#My motivation has been in the toilet but I'm starting to get back into the storytelling aspect instead of “OOOH PRETTY OUTFITS” | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

satubby · 6 months

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Hello! How are you? if you still place orders I hope you can attend to mine. I confess that your male Makima writings drive me crazy, so if you don't mind, here I have another request for you and I hope it's not wierd. Could you make a scenario that the reader moved away from everyone for a while and stayed out of everyone's sight, and after a few months she returns and they find out that he had a daughter? (Makime is the father) and he finds out that the girl is his daughter? I hope my request doesn't bother you and I really wish you could attend to it. I hope you have a good day and stay healthy!

[Hello sweetie! Thanks for entrusting me with these requests, sorry to keep you waiting but I took my months off and started working, that's why I didn't answer my inbox. Here you go, it's like a little One shot/scenario].

You find yourself in the bathroom, bent over the toilet as waves of nausea seem to drag your consciousness down. The bitter taste in your mouth and the rapid beating of your heart take you back to the murky memory of your encounter with Makime at the bar. Although days have passed since then, the images are still tattooed in your mind, like fresh scars that refuse to fade.

"Why, no, this can't be happening to me? Fuck," you mutter between sobs, feeling a lump in your throat as tears begin to mix with the sensation of vomiting. A sarcastic joke about the irony of life crosses your mind, a kind of bitter self-reflection that only you can understand.

The muffled voices of your friends reach you from the other side of the door, but you barely manage to pay attention to them. Aki, Denji and Powa try to be supportive, but the sense of isolation is stronger than ever. Makime's cold presence, clinging to your thoughts like a shadow, plunges you into a spiral of self-loathing and despair. So much effort you put into getting away from him, but it only seems to motivate him to stalk.

"Hey, is everything okay? You've been in the bathroom for half an hour and Powa keeps nagging me about coming in….. (Y/N), you know I'm worried about you," Aki asks with genuine concern in his voice. You can feel her palpable anxiety, as if she shares your torments in the distance. His words offer you a glimmer of clarity amidst the darkness, but they also make you feel even more vulnerable and pathetic. You don't think you're brave enough to face them, not after your betrayal, or at least you feel that way.

"No, I'm… fine, ugh," you say in a halting voice, fighting the lump in your throat as your tears mix with the cold sweat on your face. You clutch the toilet tightly, reality becoming a blur as another access of vomit shakes you. In the midst of this painful moment, memories of Makime reclaiming what shouldn't have been hers, assault you cruelly, causing your tears to fall silently as you once again feel stripped of your self-control and power over your actions, you feel dirty and disgusted… Sleeping with the demon, giving in to his dirty, sin-filled words. That you cannot forgive yourself.

Carefully and shaky-legged, you pull yourself away from the toilet, the cold of the bathroom clinging to your damp skin from the sweat of overexertion. You stand up, but your body feels weak, as if nausea has stolen all your energy. You look in the mirror, your reflection seems strange, almost unrecognizable, or was it the tears from so much crying? Your face is pale, with the traces of tears and effort marked on it. You stare at yourself, lost in thought as doubts and fears gather like stormy clouds.

What will your friends say when they realize what is happening? You know deep down, how disappointed they would be or maybe you always jump to conclusions without asking first. You haven't had your period for weeks, so you know the only reason for it could be… pregnancy. But you didn't want this child, as guilty as you feel, you also didn't want to be a murderer of your own unwanted child. Maybe… Should you hide this unexpected pregnancy or make a more radical decision? The thought of hiding it or even aborting it haunts you, but you know you can't help but think about it.

Your mind wanders down the dark alleys of your fears-how will Makime react if he finds out? The very thought of his cold stare and cutting words makes you shudder or worse, to see his look filled with mocking satisfaction at your defeat carrying his child inside. And then there is the damage you could cause yourself if you decide to abort, both physically and emotionally, you don't think you are capable of enduring those horrors, but you know well that in this universe full of maniacs, blood is the daily bread… That's why you hated Makime, that bastard who would destroy the dreams of others and especially Denji.

But apparently now it's more fun to annoy you, to threaten to kill them… You don't even understand what's so attractive about you that the greatest enemy in this world would notice you.

But your thoughts are interrupted when, in a nervous gesture, you bite into your own flesh. The momentary pain jolts you out of your mental spiral, and that's when you really look at your reflection. Your face is blotchy, a mixture of tears and sweat, and your expression is a chaos of despair and confusion.

The truth hits you hard: you feel caught in a whirlwind of emotions, with no clear path to follow. You realize that every decision you make will carry with it dark and heartbreaking consequences. And as you keep looking at your own reflection, you feel the crushing sensation that you are trapped in a game you didn't ask to be a part of, even though you are aware of your actions that also led you to this… You thought you could handle it by taking this job, but you are not sure at this point.

You sigh with exhaustion, a mixture of physical and mental exhaustion. You ruffle your messy hair with your hands, as if trying to push the shadows out of your mind, even though you know that's impossible. The decision to take a bath seems like a respite in the midst of the emotional storm that engulfs you. Stripping off your clothes is a mechanical act, as if you want to free yourself from the worries that oppress you, free yourself from this feeling of lustful filth even though it has been weeks since… Your first time in this body, stolen and swallowed by the devil of control.

The warm water from the shower falls on you, enveloping you in a comforting embrace. You close your eyes and let your thoughts be swept away by the stream. Slowly, you feel the mist of steam and the sound of water fill your senses, muffling the tumultuous voices in your mind.

Unnoticed, time passes in the blink of an eye, and you find peace in the simple action of feeling the water run over your skin, as if those drops of water are washing you clean of your sins. But when you finally turn off the water and step out of the shower, the thoughts return with renewed force, like angry waves lapping against the shore.

Maybe it's the monotony in your gaze or the fact that you're in such a mess between thoughts that you finally realize you're in your room, sitting up in bed. You stare into the void, your eyes swollen and your fingers hurt by the anxiety you have failed to control by biting your nails hard. Moments of relief dissolve into the raw and painful reality you face. Your mind turns again to Makime, her twisted personality or her unpredictable actions that make you so uncomfortable, you don't want to accept it, but a part of you enjoys it.

You try to map out a plan in your head, but every possibility seems to carry with it an abyss of consequences. would Makime ignore your situation? Fuck that's such a stupid thought, knowing him you know he wouldn't, always looking at you like he's the hunter and maybe he is. Could he force you to go through with this pregnancy you don't want? Your throat tightens with fear and uncertainty, a feeling you can't choke down.

You bite the end of the towel wrapped around your head, as if it might somehow take away the stress of the dark thoughts that crowd in. You keep looking for a way out, a spark of hope in the midst of this overwhelming anxiety that invades you, you have always been like this, insecure though trying.

The sound of the door being slammed abruptly breaks the silence of the room, snapping you out of your jumbled thoughts. Powa, with his thunderous energy and imperative attitude, bursts into the room like a flurry of chaos. He informs you, in his characteristic shouting tone, that Aki has already served dinner and everyone is waiting for you at the table. Though with your fog of thoughts carried away from the questions, you barely give a nod with your eyes lost in nothingness.

His words ring in your ears as you look up, meeting Powa's rambunctious figure. The blood possessed one seems more playful and noisy than ever, ready to drag you away from the pensive trance you were in. It moves into your field of vision crouching down to you, doing its best to get your attention and pull you out of that darkness.

"Looks like someone got lost in your world again," Powa comments, a hint of mockery in his voice as he smiles, showing those shark teeth that seem to be his trademark. His words sound like an invitation to leave your worries behind and join the present.

His defiant smile and mischievous child's attitude wrench a response from you. You come out of your trance, your face lights up with a nervous smile, aware that Powa might notice your worries, which you don't want him to, so you smile at him trying to draw his attention away from you. You hope that this momentary distraction will keep the rambunctious demon away and offer you a respite from the emotional storm in which you find yourself mired.

You leave the guest room that Aki had lent you, you didn't want to think about Rintarou either, what would you say to him? You don't think you're capable of anything. Your eyes fall on the trio of men occupying the kitchen. Aki is concentrating on cooking with his usual grace, while Denji and Powa argue animatedly over the vegetables that none of them seem willing to eat.

As you watch the scene, a momentary relief washes over you. The comfort of being with them, even in the midst of your anxieties, makes you feel that perhaps you can find temporary refuge… But you know the fate that awaits the three of them, it only makes you feel worse about your apparent betrayal. However, the fear of breaking that tranquility persists, holding you back in your intentions to share your worries.

Denji stops fighting with Powa and fixed his eyes at you, greeting you with an enthusiastic "Good morning, (Y/N)!" Your smile forms automatically, as if his greeting manages to momentarily dispel your gloomy thoughts.

You gather at the table, sharing your meal and chatting naturally. Aki, always attentive, asks you if everything is all right. You nod silently, not wanting to delve into your own internal struggles, not whether you wanted to bring back those horrible memories of Makime violating your privacy or this pregnancy of yours. Denji, with his characteristic intuition, comments that you seem quieter than usual, which he finds strange since you are usually the more playful one in these situations.

You stop eating for a moment, laughing nervously at his observation. "Really? S-sorry, I didn't notice," you reply trying to deflect, knowing that you don't want your world of worries to overshadow the moment you share with them.

Again, like a blur, everyone is already dressed in their uniforms, including you. You leave the apartment ready to face the day. You walk with the trio to work, your finger finds its way into your mouth, biting it anxiously once again. You wonder if the bulge in your belly will be noticeable after several months, if the stares of those around you will discover your secret. Makime is a constant weight in your thoughts, wondering what he will say once he sets eyes on you.

Every time you meet, you always feel vulnerable and nervous no matter how much you want to cover up that feeling.

As you move forward with your friends, you feel a mixture of nervousness, disgust and fear. But again, you swallow all your feelings.

The quartet advances towards the public security offices, each step you take carrying with it a load of nervousness that is reflected in your finger, which keeps getting bitten until it bleeds. The thought of facing Makime in the office torments you, and your mind races to what might happen if the devil control detects your nerves which you don't try very hard to conceal either.

The offices lie before you, and you feel as if each step brings you a little closer to the abyss of your worries. You know that when they work, they need to request the file of the next mission from Makime, and the mere idea of crossing words with him fills you with those thoughts. What will he say if he finds out about your pregnancy? You always come back to that question and fear his dirty words as possessive attached to the weight of his penetrating gaze.

Finally, you find yourself alongside the trio as they enter the offices. Aki leads the way, and you stay behind him, almost as if afraid to cross the threshold of the door. You can feel Makime's eyes on you, like needles piercing your skin. But for now, the red-haired man says nothing, he just listens and dictates the orders for the day.

Your mind clouds with a mixture of fear and resignation, as you try to keep your composure by not letting your worries overpower you. As Aki and the others dive into the discussion, your thoughts turn to Makime, how to deal with this dangerous game of appearances and secrets.

As Aki withdraws, you feel the urge to follow him, as if his presence might offer you a refuge in the midst of this awkward situation. But your plans vanish when Makime intervenes, requesting that everyone leave the office except you. His request causes your nerves to intensify, and you feel a strange sense of vulnerability pressing down on you.

Aki casts you a look of concern and comfort before closing the door behind him. The dull click of the lock adds extra weight to the already tense atmosphere in the room. You find yourself alone with Makime, and discomfort seems to fill every corner.

Makime slowly approaches you, his sly gaze and soft words forming a trap that you feel yourself sinking into. The redhead's closeness only intensifies the tightness in your chest, as if you're trapped in his magnetic orbit until you feel it… your back against his chest. You don't want to look into his predatory eyes.

"It saddens me that you are ignoring me, and I thought you had already accepted me. You know I would never hurt you or do anything you don't want, for example… Your moans that night, so soft and innocent."

His words, though laden with false comfort, only leave you more anxious. Your mind whirls as you try to decipher words with which to attack. You feel the tension in the air, a mixture of fear and obedience that keeps you on edge.

Makime's amused smile triggers a shiver down your spine. You know he can smell your fear, and that only adds to your unease. Suddenly, he takes your nibbled hand in a gesture that seems too intimate, too invasive. He scolds you for your behavior, treating it as a childish prank, as if this whole game is simply that: a game for his own twisted amusement.

"Tch! But what a mess you made… You know I'm not stupid, but we won't ask questions, okay? Let me help you with that."

The feel of his fingers around yours makes you feel trapped, and you realize that you are in a dangerous position when he runs his tongue over your badly moderated wounded fingers.

As his presence dominates the room, your thoughts become increasingly suffocating, as if you are caught in a net from which you do not know how to escape.

Makime advances with sly complacency, his falsely friendly smile is like a hook in the murky water of the situation, as he continues to play with his mouth… Oh! That beautiful, stupid, voracious mouth.

"You don't need to get so uptight, (Y/N)," he murmurs with a softness that contrasts with the storm you feel in his gaze clouded with dark thoughts. "You know I'm always here to listen if you have any problems."

Your eyes roll quickly avoiding looking at him again, desperately trying to divert the conversation away from the dangerous waters. "Oh, it's nothing, Makime. I'm just… a little tired lately," you reply in a shaky voice, aware that every word out of your mouth can be a double-edged sword in this game of yours.

Makime moves even closer, his proximity suffocating. "Tired, huh?" he muses, his tone laden with irony. "It can be overwhelming work being a demon hunter, I won't deny you that. However, you should take it easy, sometimes those emotions can lead you down…deadly…routes."

Your mind races through the possibilities behind the meaning in his words, but before you can articulate a response, he takes the initiative once again. "Haven't you noticed how your fingers are hurt?" he asks with a tone that oscillates between concern and mockery, it is obvious that the question is unnecessary in this situation.

His eyes are riveted on the hand he's still holding, as if he's analyzing every little detail of you, how his saliva is still on your wounds. Fuck how he wants to lick your sweet skin again, that addictive blood.

You stumble over your own words, diverting his attention back to you. "Oh, it's no big deal, I'm just a little nervous from the stress of work. I nibble my fingers without realizing it, sorry," you say, trying to sketch a smile that hides your true feelings. "I wouldn't want to bother you with nonsense like this."

Makime laughs softly, a laugh that makes you feel as if you're caught in a net of his design. "Nonsense, you say. But you know, (Y/N), sometimes things we consider small reveal a lot about us." His eyes sparkle with a mischievous spark as he continues, "We must learn to control ourselves, don't you think?"

You feel caught up in his devious game, a conversation that seems harmless on the surface but carries with it a subtle venom. His every word seems like a carefully crafted trap, and as you struggle to maintain your composure, you realize that you are dancing on the edge of manipulation and deception.

Makime continues his game, like a cat toying with its prey before finally attacking. His piercing eyes search yours, as if he is trying to read every thought that passes through your mind. "Sometimes, it's important to talk about our worries," he comments, his voice soft as the scrape of a sharp knife. "If you have something on your mind, (Y/N), don't hesitate to tell me. I don't want you to feel alone in this."

You feel the weight of his words like an anvil on your chest. You want to speak, desperately want to free yourself from the anguish that surrounds you, but the thought of confiding in Makime, of revealing your intimate thoughts to him, fills you with an almost paralyzing fear. His true intentions are hidden behind that mask of kindness, and you can't help but wonder if this is simply another game on his part. You don't want to be controlled by him, though at this point your lustful side wonders if you could withstand the temptation.

"Thank you, Makime," you reply, trying to remain calm, though your words tremble slightly. "I'll keep that in mind. For now, I'm just… trying to manage my own insecurities."

Makime's sly smile widens slightly, as if he's enjoying your discomfort. "Insecurities, huh? We all have our internal struggles, (Y/N), but you shouldn't be carrying all that weight alone." He takes a step closer, his presence feeling more intimidating than ever, his hand squeezing yours. "Remember, we're on the same team."

Your mind twists with conflicting thoughts, the desire to trust fighting against the fear of falling into his trap. His every word seems like a rope squeezing your throat, a rope that threatens to choke any truth you may be about to reveal. You realize you are in a dangerous game, one where every move can be fatal.

"Ahh! Anyway, I don't want to delay your work. I hope you have a desirable performance this week, don't get distracted yes?" Makime's eyes keep searching for some chink in your armor, looking you in the eye as you struggle to stand your ground, you realize that every word you choose could be the final nail in your own coffin.

"Y-yeah, well I'm out" You could hardly think straight and more so when he ended up kissing the back of your hand.

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ros3ybabe · 7 months

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Daily Check-in: October 5th, 2023 + Life Update 🎀

I swear I always disappear for a few days, lurk around the tumblr app, and then decide to give a random update. I really need to work on my consistency lol.

Anywho, life has been soooo busy. I've ben packing and preparing for my trip out to see my boyfriend tomorrow, trying to catch up on homework so I'm not super busy while I am with him this weekend, working like crazy because money is a necessity, and just keeping up with the day to day grind.

So, here's a mini update from yesterday, and yes I am still going to try to update while I'm with my man as I will still be doing homework and studying Japanese and what not.

🩷 Academic Achievments Past Few Days -

completed and passed culinary quiz

Turned in my actual spending budget from Septmeber

Finished an investing assignment

Worked on the draft for a research paper literature review thing I have to write for my psychology class (finishing it today!)

presented my mid term presentation in my culinary class and got complimented by the professor/chef

submitted a lactation nutrition chart fie ym nutrition class

completed my pre lab and lab report for tomorrow's anatomy lab

completed quiz chapter 6 for my psychology class

completed practical assignment and module quiz for my fitness for health and sport class

I've been pretty busy with school work. I catch up on a weekly basis, but of course, then more homework is released, and I feel like I get thrown back to square one. College life, yay!

🩷 Personal Acheivements Past Few Days -

kept up with skincare routine

packed for trip

journaled a few times

went to the gym for the first time since February (just walked the treadmill but it's a start!)

kept up with medical appointments

did my laundry yesterday

kept up with my duolingo and busuu streaks

regained motivation for studying Japanese

I feel like I haven't done as much for myself personally but at the same time like I have? I am a bit upset with myself. I have a meeting with my Dietetian Mentor (#1) and in the last 3 weeks since we last spoke, I haven't done anything from what she had asked because I've been so busy. I've had 2 panic attacks, extreme exhaustion, and worked 3 doubles at my job since I last spoke to her. However, I am planning on working on some of her stuff this weekend while I'll have the time, so hopefully she isn't upset and can understand my position? She seems really nice so fingers crossed.

🩷 Academic ToDo For Today -

write up restaurant field trip report for culinary class

weekly meal writing for culinary class

complete my component one for my psychology class

take my lab exam one for anatomy

duolingo + busuu for Japanese

gather my necessary materials for completing the rest of my homework this weekend

🩷 Personal ToDo For Today -

put away clean laundry

wash sheets + pillowcases + towels

take out bedroom + bathroom trash

sweep bedroom really good

scrub toilet and wipe down counter + sink in bathroom

check in to the flight app to get my boarding pass for tomorrow

therapy

meet with RD Mentor #1

morning journal

skincare morning + night

redye the pink in my hair

finish packing tonight

a lot of things to do today to prepare for this weekend. but it will all be worth it once I get to see my boyfriend.

thats all for today!

til next time lovelies 🩷

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dreamcorechild · 9 months

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Hi thank you for the car sick story… can you please make this one :

Aizetsu not being potty trained and he had to wear diapers and every other demons is trying to get him potty trained but he fails each time he tries to pee and poop in the toilet

.... Okay then???? You have.. quite the fetish for Aizetsu getting in such strange predicaments but.. Sure.

"Now Aizetsu, you are not a demon if you can't control your demon powers! That includes going to the toilet. It's called self control! A very important trait in every demon to have!"

Karaku looked to Aizetsu with an exasperated look on his face

"Now it's time for you to go to the bathroom and do your business!~"

Sekido looked down at Aizetsu. He crossed his arms together and huffed.

"You are so pathetic. And you call yourself a Demon. Can't even master the basics. That is what is wrong with you! It is DISGUSTING! The other Demons will make fun of you if you can't even go to the potty like a normal Human being."

Sekido's nostrils flared.

Karaku rolled his eyes playfully, a soft smile appearing on his face

"Look at all that angst! Ohoho... I see~ you are the rebellious type. Well, I like that!"

Karaku chuckled, he looked down at Aizetsu with a calm expression

"It's normal to not have control of your demon powers. It takes time to master it."

Karaku said softly, patting Aizetsu on the head reassuringly

Urogi looked at Aizetsu with such a worried and caring look on his face. Though he doesn't seem to want to get involved, he still wants to help the poor soul out..

"Well well well.. We have an older demon over there that can't seem to properly potty train."

Urogi smirked.

"That's a cute trait I gotta admit... But don't you think it's time for you to master your potty skills dear big brother?~"

Sekido narrowed his eyes in disapproval as he glanced at Urogi.

"I do not need your help at all, Urogi. This little brat is not cute at all....He is nothing but a waste of space." Sekido glared at Urogi as he shifted his attention back to Aizetsu. He raised his Khakkhara and pointed the tip towards Aizetsu with a dangerous look on his face.

"What are you waiting for? Go to the bathroom NOW."

Aizetsu flinched as he looked down to the floor. In fear and embarrassment, he started to sob.

"I'm sorry... I don't know what to do... It's too hard to control... My demon power.. I'm just so useless and pathetic.."

Sorrow, sadness, embarrassment, and even more.. He felt like he was a disgrace to the demon world..

"I'm sorry..."

Urogi was stunned at the state of sadness Aizetsu was experiencing. He took off his snuggly blanket and covered Aizetsu from head to toe, trying to comfort him and protect him from all the hate Aizetsu has been receiving.

"Don't worry.. You can do it! We'll help you, we promise. And you are NOT pathetic or useless. You are our bro." Urogi tried everything he could to help Aizetsu.. Even protecting Aizetsu with his own body.

Aizetsu was relieved and felt like he was finally protected from all the bullying he was given for the past few days from his fellow brothers. He wiped the tears off his cheeks, smiling and even giggling for what Urogi did for him.

"Thank you, Urogi... I don't know what else to say..."

Aizetsu was still slightly embarrassed, but he felt much more relaxed, relieved, and happy now.

Sekido looked down at Aizetsu, crossing his arms again with an annoyed expression on his face.

"Aizetsu, this is the last straw. Do it now or else...."

Sekido huffed, his red eyes glowed with rage. With his teeth clenched.

Urogi looked at Sekido, trying to stop him from bullying Aizetsu

"Hey, hey, hey, Sekido-bro.. Calm down. You're gonna scare the little guy."

Urogi looked to Aizetsu, smiling softly and warmly to him.

"Just take your time Aizetsu.. You'll definitely master your potty skills. I know you can do it."

"Thank you, everyone.. Your guys' support gave me the motivation and encouragement to continue!"

He had a huge, soft smile on his face, a slight blush.. Aizetsu felt much more happy and at ease than before.. He looked up at Sekido..

"Okay.. I promise you. I'll use the potty like a normal demon..!"

"Hmph"

Sekido muttered, his mouth closed. He narrowed his eyes, glaring at you intensely. He crossed his arms, the rage building inside him was about to explode soon.. He walked away and turned his back to you.

"I do not care about a promise you've just made. If you still keep on pissing everywhere and defecating all over the place after your little performance, I'll make sure to punish your weakling of a body to the fullest extent. Don't let me catch you next time."

Urogi chuckled softly and hugged Aizetsu, smiling even more than before

"Go on, Aizetsu~ You got this. We believe in you."

Urogi gently squeezed Aizetsu, his arms wrapped around his slender body and his wings draped over him, warming Aizetsu up with his love and affection

"Let's see what you got."

"Awwh... My big bro finally has grown a spine. How lovely~"

Karaku chuckled under his breath, his emerald eyes shines brightly as he waved his maple fan at Sekido, showing him a very smug face.

"Don't be so strict on our lil bro, Sekido. Remember, he's still young and learning!"

He winked at Aizetsu.

[3 minutes later]

Aizetsu yelped. In shame, he covered his head as he hid from his brothers. His face turned red, as he felt like a fool and stupid because he pissed the floor.. Not even in the right spot like a demon.

"No! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry.."

Aizetsu said as he cried silently. He felt humiliated and embarrassed.. And he felt so much hatred for himself right now.

Urogi looked at Aizetsu with a saddened expression on his face and quickly ran over to him

"Aizetsu, are you alright..?"

Urogi placed his arms around Aizetsu and embraced him. He kissed Aizetsu's forehead and ruffled his hair to comfort him. He placed his hand on Aizetsu's head and pat it. Even though his actions are considered as weird for a demon, he is genuinely worried for Aizetsu.

Karaku approached Sekido and nudged him

"Come on, Sekido.. Look at how hard Aizetsu is trying. You need to go easy on him."

Karaku smiled softly, his eyes glistening in a heartwarming glow

"Awwwhh... Aizetsu you are such a cute and precious demon~"

Karaku ruffled the top of Aizetsu's head and grinned widely, feeling proud of his lil brother for trying something so difficult

Sekido did not listen to Karaku. He was still too angered and frustrated to listen to his brother. He huffed and crossed his arms

"I don't care!"

Sekido was still looking down at Aizetsu, disgusted at his actions. His red eyes still narrowed as he growled, ready to lash out any moment.

"Look at this pathetic excuse of a demon! He makes me SICK!"

Aizetsu heard Sekido lash out on him again. He felt hurt and his heart hurts again.. He tried to control his demon powers, but they were too strong for him to hold back the emotions that's inside him..

"I'm sorry! I'm truly sorry!"

Aizetsu cried out.

"I tried so hard to not disappoint anyone! I tried to control them back.. I really did!"

Aizetsu looked at Karaku with tears dripping down from his cheek.

"Did I truly fail..?"

Sekido clenched his fists, gritting his teeth in anger as his rage built up exponentially. His eyes were narrowed and he was breathing heavily. This was the last straw for him. If Aizetsu pisses another time, his anger might go so out of control that he might lose it and lash out.

"What are you looking at me for?!"

Sekido barked, his lips curled with disgust toward Karaku.

"He should know the basics of potty training. He's a demon that possesses incredible power yet he's unable to control his emotions! A true disappointment!"

Urogi felt the air tense as Sekido lashed out at Aizetsu. He felt protective of his big brother, his eyes glowed fiercely as he tried to calm Sekido down. He didn't want Sekido to loose it.. He put on a calm and confident face, with no trace of fear in it; as he approached Sekido.

"Relax Sekido-bro, I know you mean no harm. Aizetsu-bro is trying his best to pee in the toilet. He will learn... He just needs more time~"

Aizetsu was so ashamed of himself.. He couldn't believe he did it again.. He couldn't control his emotions once again.. He felt completely defeated and in the brink of falling to the depths of despair.. He covered his face in embarrassment, he didn't want to show his face to Sekido or the others.. He felt so much shame towards himself. He wanted to be respected, but he can't control his demon powers...

"I'm so sorry.. I really am.. You all tried helping me.. You tried encouraging me.. But I.. Was just too weak.."

Sekido turned a blind eye to Urogi's warning.. With rage and anger in his eyes he walked toward a sobbing and embarrassed Aizetsu. He grabbed Aizetsu by his cheeks and squeezed his jaw with such force. His face was stern as he looked down at Aizetsu, with his red eyes glowing like a furnace.

"You.. Are just an utterly useless and disgusting individual. For a demon with incredible power, your inability to control your emotions will be your downfall. All my brothers were potty trained at such a young age. Why can't you manage to do the same?!"

#demon slayer #aizetsu #karaku #sekido #urogi #demon slayer fanfic #answered #request #demon slayer karaku #demon slayer urogi #demon slayer aizetsu #hantengu clones

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katsu28 · 1 year

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hi friends,

i'm so sorry, but i'll be taking a break from tumblr for a little while. my mental health has been in the toilet for a long time now and usually i'm able to cope pretty well but these last few weeks have been honestly quite Terrible. i've been so low on energy lately and just very exhausted and burnt out from school, work, life, etc etc. (the hits start coming and they never stop coming, you know how it goes)

on top of that i've also not had the motivation or inspiration to write anything lately, and everything i have written i feel is total shit. i have a handful of requests i was working on that i'm putting on the backburner for now, so if you sent one in i apologize for not writing it! if i can shake myself out of this funk i'll take another stab at them but right now every time i look at my wips i start to feel overwhelmed, which is something i hate bc writing is supposed to be fun </3

but i promise i won't be leaving forever! hopefully i'll be back very soon, but for now i think i need to step away for a bit to get my shit together. i'll be cycling some old works through my queue and occasionally i might reblog some things but for the most part i probably won't be here all that often. still feel free to tag me in things, shoot me a message or an ask about anything your heart desires, i'll respond to them to the best of my ability when i'm able to, but if i don't i promise i'm not ignoring you!

i love you all very much, i'm so grateful for you all, and i'll see ya when i see ya <3

- kait

#tl;dr #i'm taking a break but i hope i'll be back soon #love you all so much <3

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lazyauthor9000 · 1 year

Note

Hello! i was wondering if I could have a one-shot where the reader has adhd? (stuf like slow memory, forgetful memory and behaviour problems and being bad a spelling?)

A/N: Thank you for requesting, and I hope you enjoy!

Pairing: Rise!Turtles x ADHD!GN!Reader

Genre: Platonic, Fluff

Type: One-shot

WARNINGS: None

Reader: Gender-neutral

"Crap!" You yelled, skidding to a stop as you finally made it to a nearby sewer. Opening the hatch and climbing down, you continued running. Making it into the lair, panting heavily, you managed to make it on time to the training session you had almost forgotten.

As you enter the training room, you noticed everyone already there. They greet you with a smile, quickly becoming concerned at your current state.

"Woah, (Name)! Are you okay?" Mikey asked as he bounced over to you. "You're sweating like crazy!"

You nodded with a sheepish smile, feeling embarrassed as you finally caught your breath, "I forgot about the training session... I've been having trouble remembering things a lot lately."

"It's okay, we understand what you're going through. We all have our own struggles." Donnie said as he typed away at his bracelet, looking up when he was satisfied with whatever he searched for. Raphael nodded in aggreement, "Yeah, and we're here to help you out. We're a team, the Mad Dogs! We've always got each other's backs."

Their words put a smile on your face as you felt your anxiety fade away as they reassured you. You take a deep breath and got ready for the training session.

As the training began, you find that you're having trouble keeping up. You keep forgetting the moves and getting confused. You started to feel frustrated and upset at yourself for messing up multiple times.

The turtles take notice of this and start giving you their attention and encouragement, making sure you understood each move and technique. Leo used his humor and jokes to help you stay focused and engaged as everyone would groan here and there at his lame jokes, but it only made you pumped.

"You're doing great!" April cheered as she witnessed you do a difficult move by yourself as she trained alongside you. Leo nodded and grinned, "Yeah, you're really getting the hang of this! We're really proud of you."

You rubbed the back of your neck as you blushed at the compliments being thrown, a wide grin on your lips as you realized by the end of the session, you really couldn't have done it without them. They helped you stay focused and motivated the whole time. And most importantly, they did not give up on you.

"Thanks, guys," You say while packing up your things and slinging the backpack straps over your shoulders as you turned to look at them with a wide smile, "You really helped me out today."

"Anytime!" Mikey beamed, "That's what friends are for!"

"Heck yeah! Now, who wants to order some pizza cuz' I'm starving!"

~~~

Extra:

Chat: 🔥THE MAD DOGS🔥

BetterThanLeo🥶 (You) is typing...

BetterThanLeo🥶 (You): look at mu mems i senr yoi burtheads.

🖌Picasso🎨: On it!

Megamind💯: Already watched them.

BetterThan(Name)✨: Of course you have 🙄

BetterThanLeo🥶 (You): dont strart. snyways i thimk my fisj drownd

🖌Picasso🎨: WHAT?? HOW

BetterThan(Name)✨: Sounds like a skill issue tbh

Megamind💯: The last time we had a pet, you flushed it down the toilet and it came back to bite us in the ass. You mostly since it was your fault.

BetterThan(Name)✨: ...

🔥RaphaDoodle: GO TO SLEEP.

BetterThanLeo🥶 (You): lmaooo i donr evem habe a fisj. ehos the one wiyh skill isues now?

BetterThan(Name)✨: ... You both will see me in your dreams.

A/N: I APOLOGISE FOR TAKING SO LONG OMG ☹ finished this at 1 am and i am exhausted so I'll edit this in the morning. Writing suggestions are appreciated as I don't feel too confident with this one 🥲

#rise tmnt x reader #platonic #one shot #adhd #gender neutral #rise turtles #turtle

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ap0wersstories · 1 month

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Home Invasion Fantasy Part 4

*Quick disclaimer: everything in this story is 100% fiction. Real sexual assault is a serious crime and should never be committed*

Previously in the story....I had Melanie hogtied and helpless, I'd fucked her while tied spread eagle, spanked her ass, and anally fingered her while making her cum. The only thing left to do was to take her mouth, which I did while she was hogtied turning her mouth into my own personal fleshlight. But our time together is still young, and there's so much I want to do with her....

=====================

I was exhausted after fucking Melanie's sweet face, I was sweaty and my heart was pounding. If I was like this, I couldn't imagine how Melanie would've felt still hogtied on her bed with cum on her face and tits, and gagged with a ball gag and clear tape. I decided I really needed to use the toilet so when I came out of the bathroom, I could see she was utterly shattered, breathing heavily out of her nose. I put my underwear on and put on some shorts, almost deliberately doing it slowly right in front of her to further prolong her suffering. I thought I probably wasn't going to get another chance to see my little fucktoy like this again so I took some photos of her, the cum has already started to dry on her but I made sure to get plenty of close ups on her cum on my tits. Finally though I put my phone down and started undoing the rope that had her in hogtied position from her ankles so the rope was still attached to her wrists. Using some scissors I cut the tape that was around her ankles, I had meant to give her a warning but Melanie had lost so much flight, she was just my bondage puppet now. I lifted her up so she was sitting on the bed, and picked up the rope so it looped through her legs, then standing up I used the rope to force her to stand off the bed with no assistance.

Her legs were shaking, she'd been bound in such a way the her legs had lost the energy to lift herself up, but I didn't care I continued to pull the rope up into her crotch, "c'mon you little slut, get yourself up!" She was squealing in protest feeling the rope rub up against her sensitive pussy, she was looking at me begging me to help her but I wasn't going to help her, I was having too much fun watch her struggle, although I didn't show it. Instead I narrowed my eyes threateningly at her and said menacingly, "if you don't get yourself up in 5 seconds I'm going to use this rope to yank you up." That seemed to give her the proper motivation, she rocked back onto the bed to give more momentum, meaning the rope got buried deeper in her snatch, but that managed to get her up enough onto her feet to maintain balance. But only just, her legs were as wobbly as a baby giraffe. I smiled behind my bandana and turned my back to her, and with the rope draped over me shoulder to create a sharp angle on the rope I lead her around the room like an owner leads their pet. She was my little fuckpet.

After a good few minutes of leading her around her apartment I finally took her to the bathroom. On our way to the bathroom I grabbed two pairs of handcuffs from my bag and after I dropped the rope (hearing her relief at that) placed one pair around her ankles. Then I cut away the tape off her hands and allowed her to drop them down to her sides, clearly she realised I was in full control of her as she didn't fight me in any way. I shackled her two wrists together around a pipe, and started to fill the bath with lukewarm, she just watched me, clearly wondering what sick pleasure I had in my mind next. Truth was I felt she probably needed a wash after everything I'd just put her through, once the bath was filled half way I unlocked her wrist shackles from the pipe and reconnected them once free, it was only then I remembered I'd left that condom I'd fingered her with in her ass. I stood her up, turned her around, pulled out the condom still protruding (which she gave a little moan at) and gave her left ass cheek a slap for good measure. I stood up and picked her up and gently put my fucktoy in the bath. "Wash yourself, slut. I've put you through a lot. I know know you want me to say that this is the end of our evening, but that's not happening. This thing..." I hold up the condom "is not the only thing going in your ass tonight." I said that with an evil look in my eye that made her shudder.

But still she took the opportunity I'd given her, it was no surprise to me that the first thing she did was wash her face and tits of my cum. I could tell it had really disgusted her the way I'd marked her as my property by cumming on her, she looked me and made a sound while gesturing her fingers to her mouth, she was asking if I could take the gag off her. "Hmmmm you want the gag off do you?" she gently nodded, "I tell you what, finger yourself, and moan like a whore. Then when I'm satisfied, I'll take your gag off." She appeared to think about it but she really seemed to want the gag off, she hesitated but ran her fingers down towards her pussy. Slowly she began to rub it up and down, she moaned into her gag just as I asked her but she was clearly faking it, she was still only rubbing herself gently though, "I told you to finger yourself bitch, get a finger in there now or I'll give you a shampoo bottle instead!" That change of tone seemed to shake her and sure enough she poked one of her ringer fingers into her pussy, "that's it baby, finger fuck yourself for me. Moan for me." Seeing her do it gave me another idea, I grabbed her my phone and began recording her, starting at her face with her moaning and staring at the camera and moving down her body to show her fingering herself. That was definitely going on the darkweb!

To Melanie's credit she was doing a really good job, I was pretty sure she wasn't actually turned on but she was doing a good job of selling it. I took a good couple of minutes of video, I even picked up the ass condom and held it in front of the camera asking her, "do you want this back in your ass....?" bless her she shook her head and gave the cutest muffed "mmm-mmm" so with her still fingering herself I asked her, "do you want the gag off...?" she nodded her head and gave another muffled "mhmm" I responded, "ok then, I think you've been a good girl." I put the phone down and took the tape off, before taking the gag off though I gave her a similar warning as before, "no screaming or loud noises ok? I might even allow you to talk if you're really good, understand?" She nodded, so I slowly pulled the gag off her. First thing she did was massage her mouth, the gag had clearly been uncomfortable. She didn't say anything though, she just continued to wash herself, she used her hands to put some water in her mouth to wash it out. I watched her the whole time, admiring her body. She wasn't a stick, she still had some curves, which was something I really liked about her. She had washed her face but not her hair so I said to her, "do you want some help washing your hair?" she looked at me and paused, clearly thinking it was a trick of some kind. "Your...your not going to do something horrible to me if I say yes?", "no tricks, I'll use this cup to put water through your hair and help you wash it."

She looked around, thinking about it, finally she looks at me and says, "yes please." I was little surprised at how sedate she was to me, perhaps she felt if she's nice to me I won't do anything to her. I didn't want to tell her otherwise so I let her believe it, I take some of the water in the bath and drain it over her several times so her hair is drenched, then I dribble some shampoo in her hair and start to rub it in. An ex-girlfriend of mine used to say I gave really good head massages so I went to work not only rubbing it in but massaging her head. After everything I'd put her through it surprised me when she actually appeared to relax at my head massage, I even enjoyed it myself. This could have been your life if you'd just said yes to me in the first place, I thought to myself. It actually made me a little annoyed, I wanted her to be my girlfriend and I would've treated her well. I would've learnt from my last girlfriend and controlled myself a bit more when playing in the dom/sub role, I fucked her ass without her permission one night while she was tied up and gagged. I'd fuck her ass before so I thought it was ok, she said she was crying but I thought she was just playing along. Ah well she was starting to annoy me anyway so it was for the best, but Melanie I would've been a better dom to her, instead here we were. She was my fuckslave, and I was her master. I finished the massage and rinsed the shampoo out of her hair being careful not to get it in her eyes. She'd been in there for a good 10-15 minutes now so I felt like it was time to get out, before though I handed her a bottle of water from my bag making sure it had a red cap on it. She was so thirsty she didn't think twice before necking the lot.

I pulled her up and helped her out of the bath, I dried her down using a towel, Melanie just stood there letting me do my thing. I wasn't sure if she was being obedient to wait for her opportunity to escape or because she'd lost fight but I was happy she was making things easy on me right now. She still had her ankle cuffs on so I picked her up and put her over my shoulder taking her back to the bed and placing her on the egde, I wanted to wait a while before I next fucked her so I was at better strength but that didn't mean I didn't have ideas for passing the time and the first part of that was starting to come to fruition. I had laced the water I gave her with a drug that a friend gave me which he said makes people "pliable" as he put it, essentially whoever ingested the drug would become loopy and awake but very easy to maneuver. Her eyes had started to glaze over and they were half shut but she was still clearly awake, I pulled her up onto her feet and she just stood there almost completely unresponsive, just what I wanted! I undid her handcuffs and placed her hands by her side, then pulled out industrial strength cling wrap from my bag. This had been a fantasy I always wanted to do and Melanie was going to be my victim!

I started at her waist, tightly binding her arms against by going around her twice, then I start moving up her body covering up her tummy before getting to her tits. I decide to go over the top of her breasts packing them down, again I go two layers over, I keep moving up to fully cover the top of her body including her shoulders. I smooth out the creases on the plastic, and tear off the end of the cling film. I've packed her up really tight, she's still really loopy though, I doubted she realises what's happening. I get a vibrator that has a remote lead and place it tightly onto her pussy, pushing up into her so it slightly spreads her pussy lips and using bondage tape I secure it against her. I get the cling wrap and start wrapping her again from the torso down making sure the the vibrator gets tightly placed in position. Around and around I go on her legs, continuing to pack her in tight, by when I get down to her ankles I undo her ankle cuffs, no need for them anymore! She is now almost completely wrapped up, I can't believe it, she's the perfect package. I decide I'm not quite done though, getting some tape I wrap a strip around her body at her hands, another strip at her elbows, then another two strips at her knees and ankles. I pick her up and place her on the bed and stand back to really take in what I've done to her, I realise though I've missed a very important part.

I find the panties I used the first time to gag her and put them back in her mouth, I can see from her eyes she's slowly starting to realise things aren't quite right. I get some silver tape and starting at her lips I start to wrap it around her mouth giving it about 5 passes around her head being careful to try to avoid it getting too tangled in her hair. She is now completely immobilised and fully gagged unable to do a thing. I've never had a sub like this, there's so many places to start! Before doing anything I make sure I take plenty of photos and and couple of videos showing her as the complete package she is. Putting down the phone I go back to my fucktoy, I'd turned the AC in her apartment on a high setting the try to keep her as cool as possible, Melanie was starting to become fully sober and was starting to struggling against her new predicament. I don't think this wasn't a situation she'd ever even imagined, so dealing with it came with a lot of confusion. At this point I decided I couldn't be fucked with the bandana anymore, it was getting in my way of enjoying myself, I pulled it off waiting to see if she recognised me. It took a moment and she definitely knew my face then it clicked and she started yelling into her gag, "you really should have just said yes to me in the first place you stupid slut, now I'm going to use you in every sick way I can imagine, this one in particular has been at the top of my list for a while."

I picked up the controller connected to the vibrator, it has 3 levels on it, I decided I was going to start of slow with my mummified slave so I put it on the lowest level. Immediately she responded to the vibrator stimulating her pussy, screaming and moaning into her wrap tape gag, I start rubbing the plastic all over her finding myself at her pussy, I push the vibrator further onto her which made her scream even more. God I loved it, this was my fantasy come to life! I get off her and go to her fridge/freezer hoping she has what I’m looking for and I’m pleased when I see she does, I come back to her with a bowl of ice cubes sitting in a little water. I take one of the ice cubes and rub it up one of her arms, I could see her body temperature had already started to increase from being encased, the ice was melting quite easily. I rubbed it around her tummy and left it to melt at her belly button. Grabbing one in each hand now I knew where I was going with them, I placed each of the blocks on her breast and moved them around in a circular pattern focusing in particular on her nipples. Putting what was left of the cubs back in the bowl I took some scissors a carefully cut small holes right above her nipples to allow them to poke through, I grabbed the cubes again and set to work on her nipples getting them super erect. She was shaking her heads and crying, trying to tell me to stop going to work on her nipples.

I decide I’m not content with only her nipples poking through so I tear open both holes only just wide enough breasts can push through the plastic but they need help, I put my hands inside the wrap and squeeze them both out so they’re hanging over the wrapping. I can’t resist those perfect tits popping out like that, I crouch down and suck and fondle her beautiful tits, alternating between the two. She’s completely helpless to my sick fantasies, unable to do little more than scream and squirm. As I get up off her I pick up the controller, and we lock eyes as I turn it up to level two. Immediate reaction, she closes her eyes and moans harder into her gag, it’s so intoxicating seeing and hear her reactions. I sit on the edge of the bed and drag her to me flipping her over so she’s on her front. I drag her so she’s now lying across my lap with her shiny ass staring straight at me. I rub her wrapped ass making the squeaky wrap sound and then give her a light spank, she squeals in protest, another light spank, another squeal in protest. I really love the sound effect of the hand slapping onto her plastic wrapped ass, the ice bowl is right next to me so I rub one of the ice cubes over her cheeks making them glisten even more, I don’t stop until the ice cube is fully melted. Then once it is I give each cheek and a harder spank then last time, this response is much stronger, she squeals and screams and shakes her head. Such a great response, I couldn’t help but do it again! Melanie was trying to do everything she could to tell me to stop, but really it only made me want to do it more.

But I had many plans for her while she was like this so I kept moving, I wanted her to have no idea what to expect next. This next one truly was an experiment, I had a look in her drawers for something and found it pretty easily, her hair dryer. Plugging it in a come over to her and look at her, “I heard that with this wrap if you apply heat on it it will actually shrink down and constrict the product even more, let’s find out shall we?” Melanie’s eyes were wide with fear, I don’t think she could have ever imagined any of this, I turn on the hair dryer and start at her ankles. As the dryer gets close I see the plastic curl up and constrict against her body accentuating the contours of her body. I continue up her legs getting to her hands, the plastic shrinks down onto her hands, I’m trying to be careful about getting too close, no need to burn her. I continue going all around her body, the plastic clings to her skin showing off all of her curves. I flip her onto her side so I can get at her ass, running the hair drying over her it clings to her so perfectly. Flipping her back onto being face up I decide there’s one more thing to do with the dryer, I place a new layer of plastic back over her tits and set back to work with the heat. The plastic wraps beautifully onto her breasts, her nipples are still erect so they poke up like a little nub on the wrap. This experiment has been a complete success!

I turn the hair dryer off content that I’ve shrunk the plastic on her body. It’s clearly constraining her more, and now it was time for the final chapter of this, I turn the vibrator onto its highest level, she's so driven mad by all these sensations her eyes have rolled up and she’s squirming around. I sit next to her and firmly press the vibrator against her causing her to scream and moan even more,I pick up a hand full of the ice cubes and rub them up and down her body, I even squeeze a couple underneath the plastic through some holes I create. I’ve been rubbing myself during this time and it had just turned me on too much not to do anything, I turn off the vibrator and using a couple of holes I cut I push it off her. I think she thought that was a relief but then I flipped her over and cut a hole at her bottom to gain access to her pussy.

I put on a condom and started the final part of her life as a plastic mummy, I squeezed my cock into her constricted hole and and pounded into her. Every thrust I made was matched with the sound of body rubbing on the wrap and crinkle sound it makes, I’m loving it but I don’t feel like I’m getting full access so I flip her over and using scissors I cut the plastic from her ankles up leaving her top half still wrapped. Now her legs are free and I can get pull penetration into her, the top half of her is still constrained by the wrapping so she’s still pretty much helpless. Rubbing her legs I can feel she was getting hot in her plastic prison, her legs were lined with sweat. But it’s the sight of her helpless in plastic that makes me lose it and I go with every thrust I have left, Melanie has closed her eyes seemingly trying to transport herself somewhere else, with a final thrust I collapse on top of her. “Oh fuck that was fun, that was everything I ever wanted, you’re the best fuck doll ever Melanie.”

I had once again worn Melanie out, I could feel her heart pounding. She was sobbing again into her wrap gag, I think she was hoping the nightmare would soon be over. I pulled out of her and set aside the second condom of cum, Melanie lay on the bed, the top half of her still wrapped in the heat shrunk plastic and the wrap gag on her mouth. She didn’t move, she just stared at the ceiling. What more was I going to put Melanie through?

#sexstories #sex fantasy #rapetoy #rapekink #cnc k!nk #bd/sm kink

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funkymbtifiction · 2 years

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done with tritypes

Something has been bugging me lately and growing into a greater concern the more I observe myself and others. It's centered on the Enneagram, a tool for self-knowledge that leads to self development.

You are supposed to do introspection to discover your motivations and unpack your behaviors. From there, you move toward growth as your type by identifying things you can change and tackling them. When that happens, amazing stuff unfolds in your life. You get to see yourself growing, maturing, and changing as you shift away from “automatic” behaviors to “I am choosing not to do these things that make my life hell.”

That was my journey, and I was growing a lot... until I learned about tritype. And now I see others locked in the same swirling toilet bowl that has claimed the last several years of my life. I am seeing people focusing on finding their tritype and becoming more confused about themselves in the process. Instead of working on self-development and erasing the problems caused by their type/wing, introspecting and learning to identify those behaviors as they are happening, and finding clarity by identifying their inner workings, they get caught up in a loop of “What’s my fixes? What’s my second fix? What if I am this instead of that? Is this one or this one my core??? HELP ME.”

Which… means there’s no inner growth happening. It has stalled out while they focus on a far less important facet of their personality.

I have gone down this rabbit hole. Spent hours thinking about myself in unproductive ways (as opposed to analyzing my reactions as a 6 and choosing to work on them), rethinking my fixes, and trying to see them at work… with no growth as a result.

Why???

When, all along, 6w7 made perfect sense to me from the start, and is all I needed to know to stop projecting my motivations onto other people, assuming people were mad at me without evidence, over-apologizing, and playing games with people due to my indecision. That type made sense. It gave me total clarity. I read my first 6 chapter and wanted to cry, because for the first time in my life, I knew someone else understood how I think and that I'm not crazy. Other people go through this! Other people are cautious! Other people also second-guess themselves! It brought me a flash of insight. A boom of self-awareness that caused ripples in my life. You mean the negative stories I tell myself aren't real?? I don't have to believe them?? Dazed by all this sudden clarity, I got to work on the tedious task of growth. Of realizing, "I am projecting right now. I don't have to do that." Or asking "Am I jerking this person around by being unsure about them? That's a lousy thing to do to someone I care about." Or "I am freaking out, but when has the worst actually happened to me? ... never. Calm down and stop your catastrophic thinking." Or "Why am I second-guessing my ability to write another book, when the 12 lined up on my shelf are evidence that I am more than capable of doing this?"

I am done. I am going back to my core, wing, and stacking. It's all I need. It explains me entirely. It gives me clarity and joy because I can see how much I have grown. I think that's vital, especially when you are deciding who to learn from in the Enneagram world. How has this teacher grown? How are they different? How has knowing their core type and wing helped them advance to a higher degree of self-awareness and self-growth? Do they have stories about how they used to be at a lower level, and what changed? If you interact with them over a long period of time, are they still stuck at the same place in their ego-development? Are they able to laugh when they catch themselves "doing" automatic responses and say, "Sorry, total __ moment! I really thought I had gotten past that!"?

Unfortunately, the thing I hate the most about myself has not gone away, and that's my argumentative, contrarian nature, a facet of 6 / Ne-dom. Being contrarian causes my loved ones pain. I hate that. If I had put as much energy into catching myself launching into 'brat' mode out of boredom and... not doing it, maybe I would be even further along in my journey than I am today.

I’m done answering tritype asks. I don't ask anyone to agree with me that it's unimportant, but I intend to view any of my identifications with other numbers by asking myself, “Could this be a deep aspect of my type/wing? Where is this coming from and what do I do with it?”

I want myself to grow.

#enneagram #mod post

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everysongineverykey · 1 year

Text

I posted 5,679 times in 2022

1,712 posts created (30%)

3,967 posts reblogged (70%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@wrightfamily

@jonathanrook

@you-can-always-come-home

@lieutenant-columbro

@neitherlightnordark

I tagged 4,490 of my posts in 2022

Only 21% of my posts had no tags

#deltarune - 260 posts

#dhmis - 147 posts

#don't hug me i'm scared - 114 posts

#the stanley parable - 113 posts

#undertale - 53 posts

#oh... - 38 posts

#star trek ds9 - 36 posts

#💙 - 34 posts

#snowgrave - 34 posts

#donations - 32 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#who. wh. whooogohorowhwhwogoohowooebo💖💖❤💖💚💜💚💜💙💜💜💚💜❤💘💚💕💛💕💙💜💙💜💞💞💕💝💗💕💙💙💜💞💞💜💜💗💙💞💕❤💞💙💜💞💞💖💙💙💖💙💕

My Top Posts in 2022:

in a world where so much queer rep in big media is overly sanitized and watered down to the point where it's respectful but terribly boring as character writing due to writers being terrified of getting criticized for "bad queer rep", toby fox making a trans man who's a self-obsessed, fame-drunk, vainglorious trashy pop star (and also a tyrant in the king mettaton ending), a bi character who straight up accidentally turned a bunch of monsters into horrifying melty abominations and then locked them in her basement and didn't tell anyone about it for literal years before she learned that hiding from her mistakes was killing her and came clean, a lesbian who starts the game as an intimidating school bully and in whose first big moment we see her slam the main character against a wall and threaten to eat their face before she learns to open up and connect with and trust others, a trans woman who tries to kill you twice in the game and is always delightfully mean to everyone until she gets some understanding and the body she needs to be happy, a traumatized nonbinary kid who hated their own species so much they killed themself just to get their revenge and free monsters in death, and a nonbinary cat who has been through so much shit and is so nihilistic that at this point, if push came to shove and all looked lost for the heroes, they would be content to sit back and let the world end- i'm being totally serious. toby fox making those kinds of queer characters, making them messy and imperfect and scarred and letting them grow as people but still do terrible things as part of that process, that constitutes HEROISM

3,213 notes - Posted June 27, 2022

HELP???

3,622 notes - Posted January 6, 2022

kris dreemurr is so awesome. the protagonist ever. they eat moss. their best friends are a purple dragon lesbian and a goat with glasses. they do speedruns. they have their very own knife that belongs to them that everyone recognizes as kris' knife. they ripped out their soul and locked it in a cage and went all red-eyes-looking-at-the-camera-with-a-knife and then did literally nothing but eat an entire pie. they eat entire pies on a regular basis. they eat dog treats and lick book pages. they make their own bath bombs just to throw them in the toilet. they slashed their mum's car tires. they're even nonbinary

5,353 notes - Posted January 16, 2022

dhmis is great because imagine a series centered around three roommates living in a small incredibly isolated house in a story run by a strange omnipotent woman with unclear motivations who amuses herself by tormenting the roommates over and over again in various awful ways by dangling something new and exciting in front of their faces and then making it backfire horribly thus traumatizing them all and often maiming and killing them and they can't escape because they're nothing but puppets in her little show and they're chained to a narrative that will not let them go and one roommate is a naive kid with a sadistic father who traumatizes him horribly when he isn't neglecting him and also eats people and another roommate is almost aware of his situation but will never be able to save himself or his friends and is constantly rejected by his own kind and only wants to leave the tiny house but nothing, no one, will play along and the third roommate is caught in the middle, not a naive child but not quite meta aware, and thus is doomed to fall victim to the same traps over and over and also they're literally the only three people in their entire world besides the evil things that keep intruding in their home and terrorizing them and they can't call for help. ok and now imagine they look like this

6,077 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

if i were toby fox i would tweet "so honoured that megalovania was played in front of the pope yesterday! especially since i've always thought of sans as catholic" and then turn off my phone

32,323 notes - Posted January 6, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#this makes sense lmao #man. the longest tag... that was almost definitely columbo lol #and i was RIGHT <3

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curiositydooropened · 1 year

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Cheers to lovely happy moods and writing motivation! 🍻

Now, for some Steve headcannons:

When he can’t sleep, when it’s a great day outside, or when he’s bored, he loves driving around back roads and listening to music (he also loves doing this with friends and just decompressing)

He may be portrayed as a dud in the last two seasons, but once he finds his person/someone more flustered than him, that “King Steve” comfidence/charm comes out

He’s always taking care of those around him, so I just know he loves to be a sub; however, when he’s had a really tough day, he will absolutely manhandle you

Will act all macho when first getting to know you, but will 10000% make you kill the spiders later on

Doesn’t like being alone, so even if he’s not in the same room as you, he finds comfort in knowing you’re in the house if he needs you

Aaaaand Eddie:

Absolute toilet humor; will dutch oven you and maniacally laugh

Gets excited about you wanting to learn guitar but is absolutely anal about how you handle his “sweetheart”

Loves reading fantasy/horror to you or reading the same book and chatting about it

Absolute dom energy once he gets past his awkward phase

May put on a cocky façade, but he gets insecure about what people say about him and you constantly reassure him that he’s perfect as is

As for what I’m proud of… hmm. I would say the fact that I started Pilates almost 2 months ago and I’ve stuck with it! I had my daughter almost two years ago and have been suffering with back pain after my c-section and my body whole body feels SO much better and less stiff. Working out in a gym would cause me to literally cry from pain, and this has caused me to cry because I can work out with no pain at all!

Now tell me what hcs you have and what you’re proud of!

Yes, yes, YES, ABSOLUTELY to all of this. I concur a thousand percent to it all, and I'm obsessed. Well, except with Steve making me kill the spiders (don't get me wrong, it's accurate) because I'm also terrified. So it might just be a watch the house burn down kind of situation. 😂

And ahhhhhhhh! I'm so so so proud of you for sticking with it and taking care of yourself and your body's needs and for making yourself feel good!!!!! That's so amazing, and I'm so happy for you!!!

OMG My headcanons okay so...

Steve

is for sure a worshipper, like you said, he takes good care. I'm talking calf massages, I'm talking having stir fry made when you get home, I'm talking bubble bath made to the perfect temperature

loves camping because he didn't get to do it as a kid. Not really. He camped in cabins or at luxury chalets but never in a sleeping bag in a tent on the cold hard ground, and he lives for it

although the nighttime sounds of the woods aren't ideal, and the first night out, he promptly packs up the sleeping bag and hauls you back to the backseat of his car because steel is safer than canvas

is a flirt. Like makes everyone blush, even Robin sometimes, despite her eye roll, cuz the shit he says is smooth

Eddie

is a menace. Absolute chaos demon. Keep lighters away from him because he will burn a rogue napkin and not care enough to stamp it out properly

spent a holiday season as one of those donation takers for the Salvation Army, out in front of Bradley's. (a favor for Wayne) But it only lasted a few hours before he was fired for chasing people down for their cash

gets freaky, I've got to be honest. This boy loves a costume. Wearing one, seeing you in one, doing voices, it's all on the table.

And I'm proud of myself because I stayed up really late last night reformating my resume and writing a cover letter to a dream job. And then I applied. And fingers crossed I get even an interview, but if I don't, I'm really proud of myself for putting the work in and getting my name out there. In the past, I would have been too insecure to even try. But now I'm confident in myself and my abilities, and if I don't get an interview, they really don't know what kind of gem they're missing. 💎🥰

Thanks so much for this, love!!!!! xo xo

#wip wednesday #eddie munson headcanons #steve harrington headcanons #eddie munson hcs #steve harrington hcs #stranger things

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wrideau · 2 years

Text

Fun Over a Thousand Bodies

genre: smut, oneshot, fluff,sad, TW: mentions of su!c!de male×femreader

"Why don't you study my body then?" You texted your Boyfriend as you two get into a steamy topic.

"We're talking about your cuts, your scars, please don't do that again." He texted back

"i only have a month to live, everything's lost and i dont have anything to do anymore. After one more month of medications, it will all be the end" you told him cutting off the steamy vibe.

After a long talk about your illfated life with your boyfriend, you told him to meet up with you, specifically at the cemetery.

You remembered how you guys made out while thousands of dead bodies are around you.

You admit while it is a little unholy to do such things there, you guys have been making out there in the cemetery's public restroom, where no one actually goes, just a few people, as only a few people visit the cemetery at regular days.

You also thought how would you look like when you're already dead, being buried here, and everyone just leaving flowers around your tombstone.

A train of thought has passed and you already made your way to the Cemetery. You see a tall black figure, your boyfriend, waving at you.

You grinned at him and hurriedly ran to his direction, giving him a soft hug and a kiss.

You chuckled as you remember the things you guys do here in the Cemetery.

He asks you what's wrong and you said nothing.

While walking around, you told your boyfriend you had to pee, so you guys go to the Cemetery public restroom where no one actually goes.

He goes to the Male Restroom while you go to the Female's, obviously.

Just the Restroom, what could go wrong anyway? You grin as you think about your hidden motives and desire.

As soon as you're done with your business, you visited you boyfriend at the male's restroom.

He scoffs "what the fuck are you doing here?!"

"I'm a male" you sarcastically say.

"Look i KNOW you're gay, but not gay gay" he said.

You chuckled and just looked around the restroom.

"its quite dirty in here" you said.

"well, you female's are clean" he scoffs back

"You're also clean, like really, so much for a Golden Retriever Boyfriend" you laughed as you described your boyfriend's breed, it's true, he is a golden retriever, almost perfect. Perfect for you.

You hurriedly go in the female's cr, while he tails around you.

"yeah it is cleaner here.." he says as he checks around.

He goes near around the stalls, specifically the second stall. He whistles around while checking it out.

You trap him inside the stall. He shouts hey

You keep your force at the door.

"You're quite strong for a small girl huh" he says then pushes the door making you get pushed in the process.

You took him back inside the stall. You stared at him then locked the door, grinning.

Deep stares dominating each other, he slowly kisses you. You get a little off because he is so tall so he adjusts himself to your height. You started kissing him slowly and passionately, a hint of tounge touching around his lips and yours.

You slowly start to make out intensely. He slides his hand around your naked waist as you are wearing a croptop.

Feeling you in the process, he starts to move his hand higher around your stomach, to your chest.

He slowly caresses it, small whimpers started to escape from your mouth, as your kisses became sloppier.

You slowly move your lips apart as he continues to pinch your n!pples and rubs them in the process.

He then sits down the toilet seat and you sit on his lap. You kissed him deeply again while unbuttoning your croptop, he stops you halfway and does it himself with one hand.

You shyly look at him as your bare chest slowly gets exposed to his lustful eyes.

He slowly pushes the remaining clothes away from the great view that he is seeing. Scanning your breas!s in the process.

He pulls you closer and whispers how pretty you are.

He then starts to rub your n!pples fast. In circular and up and down motion. Your quiet moans slowly gets louder as you get sensitive under his touch.

You whimper in pleasure, how could this man do this, I cannot believe it.

He kisses your cheeks softly as he continuesly rubs your n!ples. Your body continues to react in pleasure.

You took your hairband and tied both of your thin hands in it. He looks at you then moves your arms on top of your head.

He stops for a moment to appreciate the view of your naked body infront of him.

Grinning, he starts to move closer, mouth close to your right n!pple, he blows it, licks it, then sucks it. You moaned a little loud. He shushes you and covers your pretty little mouth. He licked it fast, every move of his mouth kept you shaking in pleasure. He then switches his focus on your left n!pple while lightly pinching your right one.

Finishing you off with soft neck kisses, he starts to kiss you roughly, his hand started to snake around your ass, he caresses them slowly. He spanks you, then slids one of his fingers inside your panties, his warm fingers touched your entrance, you slightly moaned, you didn't realize how sensitive you'd get under him.

"you're wet" he tells you while he takes his fingers out of your cunt.

He shows you his wet fingers, putting them inside your mouth, making you taste yourself, you sucked them off of him to show how submissive you are for him.

He then starts to play with your panties, tugging them up to create friction against your c!nt. You feel the slight pleasure of it as he moves it fast.

You raised your skirt up to reveal your black laced panties, you specifically picked it because you knew this was gonna happen..

He looks at it, you shyly turn your face away and blocked him from looking at your panties.

He starts to slid his fingers down your cl!t and plays with your entrance. Your moans were unstoppable with his touch. He rubs you up and down faster. As usual, your breathing starts to get heavier and faster.

Sliding your panties to the side, he puts one finger inside you. You feel his finger slowly slide inside your warm c!nt. It was a little rough you admit, but it was good enough to make your eyes roll. You moaned his name, he stops then asks you what's wrong. You didn't say anything but just signaled him to continue fingering you.

Just when things are going well for your orgasm, you both hear a woman go inside the restroom. You both immediately stopped breathing for awhile and waited for the woman to go outside.

Finally after moments of waiting, you chuckle then stood up. He licks and sucks your sweet juices off of his fingers. You looked at him shyly as you were nervous of how you taste.

You move a little closer to kiss him again, you then started to go down on your knees.

You tugged his pants down, he stops you, he's a little shy about it, after all this is your first sexual encounter. Both of you are virgins but sexually active to start off.

He finally lets you slide his pants off, his big long d!ck surpised you. You chuckle as you touch the tip of his d!ck. You then started to lick it slowly from base to tip. You can hear his groans as you slowly satisfy him. You focused on his tip, licked it fast, licked it slow, swirled your tounge around it. Just enough to stimulate him further.

To make a move, you started sucking his tip, now sucking deeper and deeper up to his base.

His d!ck reached the back of your throat. You start to move a bit to relax yourself while sucking him off. He takes control of your move as he holds your head and moves it up and down. He pushes your head deeper to his length, making you gag. You stopped and took time to breathe a little more. You give him a short handjob to set things still.

You asked him if he could cum.

"keep going" he whispered.

You take time to get ready to suck him off.

Finally taking his length deeper, you started consistently sucking his d!ck. Feeling a little tired and lightheaded, he takes control again and pushes your head deeper to his length, now he's taking control of you. You hear his groans get louder.

"Shit. Shit. Shit" he mutters.

Your movement starts to get faster as his breathing gets louder, he stopped his hands from controlling your head. You suddenly feel warm liquid inside your mouth. You slowly take your mouth off of his length, looking at him cumming.

You swallowed his warm cum inside your mouth, you see the remaining cum leaking from his d!ck, you licked it off and swallowed it. You showed him your tounge to give proof. He just stared at you, maybe because he didn't know that this was gonna happen. You finally stood up and unlocked the door.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, you grinned, leaving him there still processing what happened.

It was Good, you whispered.

You noticed it was raining outside, he finally got out of the restroom.

You were just staring at his handsome face. You cannot believe you just did things with this man. It felt a little weird at first, but you don't regret every single thing about it. You thought yourself that maybe life isn't bad, but that's just sexual stuff. In the end, you're still depressed, you're still in therapy, continuesly drinking antidepressants, and overall still have an overwhelming miserable life. You took a deep breathe to process things. You and your boyfriend left the cemetery as the rain got a little stronger.

Today was fun, but you hope that things will get better for tomorrow and the next days.

#smut shot #smut scenarios #smutty #oneshots #oneshot #fem reader #fiction #nonfiction #writing #wattpad #seggsy

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captorsicallfriends · 2 years

Note

So in school this one year I had this one bitch in my class whom we will call Regina George for hopefully obvious reasons. And she was just. A massive bigot. Constantly bullying the neurodivergent kids, being an asshole to gay ppl, openly hating sushi. She was just,,, the worst. And I had made it my personal mission to destroy her (not like that you sickos). I drew a shitty copy of her face and stuck it to a pillow whenever I needed to punch something and you may think I'm lying about that much like a politician may say he wants equal opportunity for all, or a person on the internet claims I'm "really not that attractive so I should stop worshipping myself" which doesn't even make sense because like hello can you see me rn and also all my trauma and mental illnesses are stored in my dump truck ass which is why it's so big and you probably think I'm deflecting my deep rooted insecurities by making jokes about how hot I am which is not true and- point is I really hated this Regina bitch. So deep was my burning desire to set her hair on fire that I hatched a plan. Regina obviously wants more bigots and Trump supporters in positions of power, right? What better way to anger her than have me, an openly queer and pagan punk that's read the communist manifesto 3 times, get onto the school council leadership team? Pretty smart, right? Wrong. I had no leadership experience whatsoever and in hindsight I probably should've been focused on getting onto the team to help people rather than have my one motivation be a giant middle finger to some rich cishet girl who's dad is probably gone. Ok that was dark but you get what I'm saying, I hated this bitch. But anyway, I gave my big speech about leadership and equality and if I got onto the team I'd give the school bathrooms actually good toilet paper that doesn't feel like I'm having intercourse with a cactus covered in sandpaper. And it worked. My unhinged demonic definitely-possessed-by-a-crack-addict, stop-trying-to-drink-the-box-of-juice-you-found-in-a-bin-wtf-is-wrong-with-you self got onto a team full of white brunette children with rich parents. Excellent. Now all I needed to do was convert a herd of pubescent children into spitting on Regina's shoes and throwing gas cans back at the police. Shouldn't be hard, right? Wrong again. Apparently no one is willing to listen to a short feminine presenting dork with anger issues. Weird. My plan to make Regina's life miserable was failing. And there was only one thing left to do. You know those thoughts you get, where the side of your brain that practices kindness and forgiveness tells you not to do it but the other side that eats crayons and memories WAP is telling you to do it for no other reason than it'd be fucking hilarious if you were a character in a tv show (which I'm starting to feel like with U guys. I'm not mad tho, I feel like a small mammal in an enclosure as a group of four year olds watches me take a shit as they start giggling hysterically). So I stared deep into the mirror of agony and asked God where my moral stance lies if not elsewhere than replaceable specks of dust on a dirt road. And god, with her many mouths and her many tragedies, says nothing. So anyway I bought a roll of stickers of the lgbt pride flag online and stuck them on all of Regina's belongings without her knowing. Yes it was funny as shit no I don't regret being an asshole. The immense amount of joy it brought me to see this girl become enraged and try to frantically tear off a sticker of a rainbow off her school bag. Which really proves that you can do all the goodness your heart demands of you but at the end of the day death and life do not care what you have done and so why not make yourself immortal. Anyways this has been fun bestie love U also who do you speculate I am I'm curious 💖💖💖

oh my gods i don’t know if i should be proud or terrified, i’m most likely feeling both. but honestly she had it coming

#diya answers #ughhh i have no idea who you could be #all i know is that you’re australian bc you called your parents bogans #idek if you’re a mutual or not 😭#anon

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the-firebird69 · 28 days

Text

It's just a cig #monaco #millionaire #luxury #lifestyle #life

Solution tell me anything I don't know you cannot tell me anything I don't know and it's just being a prick this is going down with it so this huge caverns they have to go through something in case these and that's my name not yours and he said this I really don't have any time for this get out of my car it's a kid I'm stuck the seat is too low and then all your whatever you call and say that instead of laughing and laughing I said out of my car right now and said I'm working on it you saw the picture of Jason we should get him down there. Still in here Morocco it's nowhere near Morocco so he's trying to do it since he wants to go down there is one of these little boys and have you found around a little going to make fun of the place that's what he's kind of doing it's cuz the story of him that's on the asteroids that the empire took over that's right attract attention talk to people love joke laugh and take a big dump on them and really you can party and stuff there and take a dump on some of them so he's doing that and it took a dump on Trump. As me Hera and he did he says this backfired a little bit. because you're telling me let's go to the toilet don't dump on me I might absorb it into my skin so he picks it up and he throws in the toilet and he washes off and he throws away his burlap sack it says we have a problem I know you're in the way and you don't know what you're doing and we all forgot about it so they're telling people and I think it's hilarious now they're starting to get serious and they getting sick that's why they were sick now now they're doing it he took a big dump on him you can get away with doing that like every weekend they become famous as assaulting again and he says as a sultun. And since is Dave now it's someone else and he wants you to do it too this is I like to do that he knows about it he's going to dress up in slightly something close salted salted like salted of swing damn it clothes and try and climb up and it's Thor and Freya and yeah they said that so really I want to see you do that stupid crap that'll be fun you always worried about getting dirty but really these guys are joking around because it's stupid what they're doing

Hera

We have to get to work now it's too late he's got to get rest but really this has been kind of fun and horrifying and a lot of people are getting to work there's a lot of foreigners and they're investigating the sending probes all over the place and it's going to work and it's going to happen now a whole bunch of people are sending messages to their people and they're getting them back and I'm saying why is this happening they're telling the status and they say we have to get to work and stop doing this crap and it's still going to fight these pseudo empire irreconcilable differences stuff like that and yeah it still sucks but that's what they're doing

Thor Freya

Kind of sucks the interviewed me and stuff and thought it was a match hey I'm back and I'm really Tommy f and I said no you're wrong I kept telling them I said why we doing this movie I said you suck that's why and then he said why I see you're fighting pseudo vampire saying back it is damaged kids in the same people to the actual empire you had this stuff over to the actual empire handing it to them. It says all that sucks and much worse declarative handed them the material by simply packaging it in something and bring it up there and a huge fleet falls and I said wow that blows cuz it's really bad and managed to take a big chunk of it but you end up having over stuff for 5 years ago is this blows we're getting Intel and information or they are and we we know what it is and they know the numbers are not so good that the empire started at 2.75 now they're at 3.75 and it's a problem they're sending the status of the spheres and saying they've captured a bunch of them now they're after the big ones and have motivation everybody's arms of ours right now

Thor Freya

Olympus we need this very bad so we urge you to print

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thespoondrawer · 1 year

Text

So...I did a thing.

A long thing, a wet thing.

Did I enjoy every minute? nope. Did I enjoy most of it? nope.

But, did I finish it? yes. Did I run every step? yes. Did I finish in 3h59m and 26 seconds? hell yeah!

THANK YOU to EVERY single one of you who donated and made it worth doing the thing. I won't do it again so don't worry...you will stop hearing about this very soon.

It was the hardest thing I've done physically, and almost as wet as the last horrid (virtual) London Marathon I did in 4h2m in 2020.

I AM happy, honest....but I think I'll only realise that in a day or two more. I'm aching but it's a nice ache and only going DOWN stairs hurts and I ain't picking anything of the floor any time soon.

BUT...without seeming arrogant, and I know Nicola Hunt gets it (thank you so much for saying exactly what's in my head), but I did think I could possibly hit 3h40m...looking at my 22 mile training run to Bedworth and back which I did in 3:00 including a fall at 19 miles only a few weeks ago...so 4 hours was a surprise. BUT as I'd written off that target by mile 20 when I was overtaken by the 3:55 pacers (obviously not MY pacers in the end) it was a pleasant one.

Why did it take me 20+ minutes more than I thought? why was every single step after Tower Bridge awful? I put it down to 'sensory overload'. From Saturday AM getting to London on shitty trains, getting to the Expo to pick up my number in 5 mins then getting back to the AirBnb (surely making this mandatory to do in person is all about trying to sell me more running tech I don't need), meeting Shiv and the girls who arrived later, trying to eat well, get some sleep, then getting up in Tower Hamlets and trying to eat something when the stomach said NO...finding out the Underground line to Lewisham was out of action, having to get 3 tubes to get to Blackheath (waiting for 4 trains before one has 3cm of space for me to fit in), walking up to the heath not even being able to see any of London on the horizon, queuing for the toilet I didn't even need because I'd been told I should, hanging around in the cold and wet for 90 mins then ALL that 'I don't know what is going on' in my head.

Once we had started it felt...ok....I did have a little space and quickly I started chatting to the lovely Amber who entertained and motivated me all the way to Tower Bridge....but then I 'let her go' to smash it in 3h42m. What I did know but didn't prepare for, I don't know how you could, was the noise, the cheering, the banging choons, the puddles, the desolate drab arse end of London for the first 13 miles (except a tiny bit of Cutty Sark) then another 10 of drab 'could be any city in the world' before the final ouchy 3 miles where you CAN see London but you just want to see a foil blanket.

4 hours of simultaneously trying to ignore the other 44,000 runners and having to be uber-aware where they are about to slow/stop inches in front of you, elbow past you or find a tiny gap to slip between them in a rare burst of speed. Exhausting and VERY different to a happy 13 miles to Kenilworth and back taking in the sights and smells of HS2.

Then the cheering was lovely, and I WISH I had put my name on my shirt...every 30 seconds...bloody 'GO AMBER YOU'RE SMASHING IT' whilst an older grumpier looking bloke got no love. I really WANTED to high five all the kids but by halfway I just didn't have anything to give them...

Then to nail my coffin, seeing so many obviously keen runners (in vests!) pulling up with cramp, lying on the street covered in coats and holding their loved one's hands over the barrier...thinking all the time 'my calves are going to cramp soon, that will be me' all the way to the line.

So...I've done it and that's a closed chapter I think. I know people say 'you'll change your mind' but I don't think I will. Those 34 seconds I think mean I don't feel I need to prove anything. I don't get my running mojo from races, medals or speed. Parkrun maybe...but I might have also reached my peak there with 22:03...

Back to solo running, early sunny mornings, podcasts on and my stats on Strava and fewer wobbly bits to motivate me.

BUT THANK YOU ALL for support, cash and love. xx

Especially Siobhán Harrison and my amazing girls who had a shit time in shit busy wet tiring London too.

Look at the face. That says it all

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crescendeyes · 1 year

Text

high highs and low lows

Starting off the Friday with a little bit more energy than before. I realise last night my energy was at an all time low. I woke up cleaning the house and doing basically all I can to keep this house clean and nice. I ended up feeling extremely tired after cleaning the toilet, the kitchen, the floors and doing the laundry. Overkill, I know.

After that whole fiasco and not really doing any work, I realise I was so bored out of mind and got high on edibles, ate so much crap and did fuck all for the benefit of my body. I know this cause I felt like Wednesday I came out of an all time high and had an amazing day, maybe the dopamine depleted and all I was left was this brooding sense of loneliness with no one to share those achievements with.

I was at an all time low. I woke up this morning to a Friday wondering what its like yesterday and why did I put myself through all of that? I woke up feeling more motivated, more positive, more energy in fact. I told myself I have tons to do today and I wanna be productive as much as possible.

The person I was yesterday couldn't even bring myself to journal. Living alone isn't hard but I can now see the patterns of someone who does. I found out that I, myself am such a lazy person but works very smart. However, being such a lazy person can be the bane of my existence while I'm living here. It really is such a struggle and alot of effort to maintain a place you really care about.

On top of that, while I was high af last night, Abner texted me this loooonggggg ass fucking confession (for the fourth time) and no matter how many times I reject the dude, he just wont get the hint. So in the end, I told him his behaviour was creeping me out and I have a boyfriend. I was too nice to him before but i guess I needed to be firm.

If this fourth rejection with the boyfriend story doesn't work on him IDK what to do anymore. Anyway, here's his 4th confession (don't take any of what he says seriously, cause his really blew everything out of proportion):

"Before I go on though, I’ll say this once more. I will never put you in an uncomfortable position. I’m not saying all these things to put any sort of pressure on you. I’m saying it because it’s true and it’s just how I feel about you. How ever it is that you respond to all this, I will accept it and I’ll be alright with it.

I suppose you have your reasons as to why you’ve been silent with me. I’d really like to hear from you if it’s alright with you. But if you don’t mind I’d really like you to hear me out.

You know what’s so funny about all of this? Is that even if you’re gonna tell me the same thing that you’ve been telling me, I’d actually be alright with it. Because I’ve come to realise that that’s how much you mean to me. And I can’t help feel the way I do about you Amanda.

The thing is that I’ve actually been wanting to ask you out for awhile now. But for reasons beyond my control, things just started to happen and I never truly got the chance or find the right moment to ask you out.

I’ve been constantly thinking about you Amanda. Not just for the past 3 weeks. But from the very night that we hung out. It scares me a lot. To know how much I’m willing to care for you. But knowing who you are now, I find comfort in knowing that you’re someone who’s worth all that and more.

When you told me that you needed some time alone, and understandably so, I took that literally. That’s why I didn’t text you or anything through out that time. I was actually waiting to hear from you back. I really don’t know what’s been going on with you but I’d really like to. Not hearing anything from you has been difficult for me. I thought of texting you on Valentine’s Day. I even thought of texting you on the 17th to commemorate your first text to me 4 years ago. But I refrained from it because I didn’t want you to think that I’m just scoring points with you. Maybe it’s just me being stupid. And then my birthday came and went and I didn’t hear anything from you. That’s why I decided to call you to check on how you’re doing.

I’m terribly sorry for causing you pain in the past. I know that I’m not perfect. And I know that even you can tell that I tend to say things impulsively from time to time. Adhd. I’m still working on that. But I hope you know that I’ve only ever meant well. I still do regret what I did to you with what you shared with me.

I’ve always figured that I’ll find the right moment to tell you how I feel about you. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to tell you how I really truly feel about you Amanda. So I guess I’ll just say it now.

I’m truly deeply in love with you Amanda. I really am. You’ve always been constantly on my mind and in my heart. You really do mean a lot to me. I know I have a strange way of showing it, but it’s just my nature. It’s part of who I am. And even though I’m saying all of this to you knowing that you won’t be able to reciprocate it back, I just want to let you know how I truly feel about you.

You’re a beautiful person Amanda. And I don’t just mean that in a physical manner, cause you really are beautiful. I mean that there’s beauty in your heart. And I’m so fortunate to have the opportunity to get to know that. You have a demeanour about you that makes the world seem brighter. And I truly do love how you care about the world around you. I’ve noticed that from the moment that we met. And I’ll never ever forget what you shared with me. That’s something that is sacred to me now.

If it pleases you, would you allow me to take you out on a date with me Amanda?"

I can't take this anymore. I literally tried to be gentle with him knowing he was mentally unstable. OH THANK FUCK he doesn't have my home and house address, he doesn't know where I live because that would give me the worst anxiety ever.

Anyway, I told myself that today I will finally explore my gym. Hopefully its great. I am also an asthma queen now btw, forgot to mention this. WTF.

#personal #amandalovexm

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