#My therapist does emotion parts work and asked me where my primary emotions are in relation to being in command

[maybeitsbassoon]

Hi if i could be disgustingly homosexual for a moment of your time

[theonewholivesinthemovies]

So in vigilantes, I love the banter that aizawa and present mic have. I wanna try and write what aizawa’s first day as a teacher was like.

————————————————————

Aizawa: “I didn’t apply because you asked me. Nezu asked me.”Mic:

“mmmHHHHMMMMmmmmm And who else has been asking you for years?? Hmmmm?? C’mon aren’t you EXCITED to work with me?” Mic taunted

I dread my productivity rates with you being around constantly. Quite simply not rational.

Mic: “Not rational cuz I’m gonna be distracting you ?” He fluttered his eyes. Putting both of his hands under his chin, his yellow shades sliding down slightly to look down at Aizawa’s slump.

yeah because you never shut up”

NOPE! BECAUSEEEEE you are gonna see me all the time and realize how much ya love meee and teeeaching and Midnight and Vlad and -

His Apple Watch started ringing. “OOP! Gotta run can’t be late on your first day there, Teach!”

Hizashi poked his finger at his shoulder. “Can’t make that impression with your class!”

Before Aizawa could follow up his confused reaction by asking “who was vlad” and then resolving it wasn’t worth the effort to ask, Present Mic had dashed out towards the door, hair hitting the frame of the threshold on the way. Aizawa looked at the clock.

Dammit, he was right.

Mic: “gotta go dash!” He said, a stupid wide grin on his face. (He’s trying to say gotta go fast as a sonic meme but not quite landing it)

Mic was right. He had to go or else he would be 10 minutes late to being early by 15 minutes. Hizashi knew this. He knew this from when they roamed these same halls together. Dammit. “He DOES know we aren’t attached at the hip right?” Aizawa thought to himself. Too much work to focus on something so irrational.

And loud.

Why did it matter who convinced him to work at UA anyway.

It’s simply makes sense to teach the next generation to carry on efficient work. As much as he did at night, he knew better than most that one man cannot solve everything. Not even all might. Working with the same colleagues he has worked in battle with was strategic planning, efficient, and effective. Teaching was just like a fight.

“Yeah” he muttered under his breath, convincing himself.

Getting to the point of the lesson and knowing good team work. Trimming the excess was something he was good at. Regarding teamwork, Aizawa recognized he was garbage at English, (part of the reason he hated press conferences) which is where Mic shines, and even as annoying as vlad king is, he makes a great coach for driving results. He didn’t know press work like Midnight.

He started to feel small. Tunnel vision started suffocating him. This feeling choked him and made him feel useless, especially being so reliant on his eyes. He looked around from side to side to try to steady but to no avail. What was he doing here? Teaching? Working with kids? Was he worth anything to guide students?

In 2 -3 - 4 hold 2 - 4 - 6 -7 Out 2 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8.

He stopped and caught his breath, like his mandated therapist from the agency suggested. The only thing that stuck. It was the quickest was to the parasympathetic nervous system and logically can shut down these unproductive thoughts.

The thoughts just like…

Like…Before oboro convinced him he really had a place here among the heroes.

He sniffed and shook he head, shaking out the past and emotions from this fight and hoisted the wrap around his neck to cover to his chin.

“Only rational to work as a team, just like they taught me. I have my strong suits, Mic has his.”

He thought.

He added, almost correcting himself subconsciously, “Err- everyone has their strong suit to teach at UA. You have to in order to work here. The primary objective is to make the best students into the best heroes to protect the future. Even though he preferred individual work, there was value in team effort, and this school called nothing but the best display of understanding your team and pairups.”

“Just rational.” His thoughts continued. “Nothing else. Even if I prefer to work alone, I can excel in teaching these kids that. Teach kids how to know themselves best so they can make a team even more powerful.” He smiled as he walked in to HIS classroom. Nobody could see that smile of course.

The classroom was already set up. He’d been in days before to make sure everything was spotless, seating tags in place, stocked supplies, including his sleeping bag and training clothes. He was nervous to break it out on the first day in case Nezu were to walk by, probably not a good look first day, but packed it before the shift tonight.

He walked around to inspect everything, and read through his class chart at the podium. He glanced at the clock on the wall.

15 minutes.

He turned on the police radio under the podium he had placed so he could spend a few minutes relaxing and planning his route for the night shift. That was much easier than what was about to come. After a few moments, when he turned to sit around at the desk, he noticed a sticky note on top of a pink retangle piece of rubber:

Hey Eraser,

You are gonna do GREAT!

If you want to, we can meet after your first day to talk?

-Zashi

His tired eyes flung open and burned from the sudden wind.

He flipped over the eraser and squinted to study it. There was an address on the back. A local coffee shop. His favorite local coffee shop, actually.

It wasn’t the invite to hang that was weird. This felt….genuine. Not over the top. Preplanned, not spontaneous. Zashi. Not Mic. Friend, not coworker.

They hadn’t been “friends” in so long. It pained him to admit it. Zashi had always tried to keep the friendship open but he…

He…struggled to reach out.

He worked late, woke up early to plan stings, worked out, was on call for police, and had 3 rescue cats and cactus at home.

He barely ate more than coffee, cigarettes, protein drinks, and takeaway.

Maybe Mic - Zashi, knew that? He wanted to reflect back on their relationship. He was taken aback by this small act. He felt perceived about his nerves despite…being himself.

How could he expect to attend to a friendship or relationship? That’s not what this job is -

He stopped himself. He had to remind himself of several lessons that were beaten into him on the significance of teamwork. That line of thinking was not going to get him anywhere.

He sighed.

There was no excuse. Zashi had always tried to keep the line open. Aizawa was the one who never followed up.

Maybe, this job would be good for him. Maybe he wasn’t as stable as he thought~

The door slid open

Ah. My first student.

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY SIXTY-SIX

I found this pic and I loved it so much at first because I feel the same way. I've always been either thrown away or rejected in general and it feels so damn good when someone actually puts effort in!

But that word, "clingy..."

I am more than aware that the author meant no harm but I wanna get into that word a little bit because it makes my skin crawl to be brutally honest. Best to know what signs to look for if you ever encounter it because it's affection and attention you want, not clinginess. Let's find out why.

While the author is not advocating for anything unhealthy, clingy behavior within itself certainly does.

Clinginess is defined as the act of resisting separation by tightly grasping onto something. This is not known to be a benefit in relationships. There is a huge difference between you both putting the work in to stay together versus one person putting 100% of the effort in, in order to prove themselves.

In our relationships, this causes issues because as we get into it, we will see how being clingy is actually being controlling with an anxious attachment style.

Sad part is, clingy people are amongst those that can't see themselves. They are not aware of how they're coming off when they engage in such behavior(s).

Lets get into the detail. There are four attachment styles.

1.) Secure (an ability to build healthy, long-lasting relationships).

2.) Avoidant (failure to build long-term relationships due to an inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy).

3.) Disorganized (having extremely inconsistent behavior and difficulty trusting others).

4.) Anxious (insecure attachment characterized by fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, depending on the significant other for validation and emotional regulation; codependent tendencies too).

So, which came first, the chicken or the egg? The clinginess or the anxious attachment? 🤔

Attachment styles will often reveal the premise of our upbringing. They are formed when we're babies, based on the emotional attachments we had with our primary caregivers. And yes, they absolutely impact our interpersonal relationships in adulthood, it's what we're exploring in this blog!

For example, people with healthy upbringings will have a secure attachment style, honoring independence for the sake of functioning effectively as a person in society. People with unhealthy upbringings may have an anxious attachment style, wrongly interpreting independence as a lack of connection with someone.

See where the problem is? And keeping in mind, this is in reference to people who don't work on themselves.

A couple's therapist stated, "Clingy behavior comes from a person's desire to fulfill their unmet needs, whether it be emotional, spiritual, physical, or mental. The person is experiencing fear and anxiety that is attached to a belief that they won't get their needs met, so they cling hard to a person to prevent this from happening."

So, if you're anything like me, you're wondering where the line gets drawn or if there is a line at all.

I mean, don't we all want our needs to be met, isn't that normal and common? Yup! Does this alone make us clingy and controlling? Nope!

There is a line that gets drawn. In my view, that line is drawn at emotional immaturity.

Emotional immaturity is a person's inability to regulate their emotions in an age-appropriate way. There is a severe lack of self-awareness in emotionally immature individuals and they can overreact quite frequently. I think this very element enables clingy mindsets and behaviors.

None of us are perfect. However, the goal here is to bring light to the fact that we can't put unrealistic expectations and standards on our significant others because that just paves the way to disappointment, resentment, maybe even burnout or breaking up depending on how severe it is. We need to regulate our own emotions. That's no one else's job. Asking for help is one thing, using a human being as a crutch is another.

I have a list of behaviors here that are categorized as "clingy:"

*needing constant reassurance and/or affirmation, the amount of which is discernable as excessive

*has no hobbies, nothing else to focus on, although they seemingly have made a hobby out of throwing pity parties every time someone suggests taking charge of their life/feelings in some way

*intense and disruptive jealousy, this type causes frequent fights and embarassment

*reaching out excessively, expecting constant communication and interaction although it's an indirect communication of needs, often resulting in mixed signals and manipulation

*expecting immediate responses, conflict and possibly accusation(s) if not

*refuses or makes excuses out of giving you personal space/personal time

*needing to spend every moment with you, often accompanied by following you around

*possessiveness to the point of discomfort and potential isolation from others - they have a tendency to feel insecure around the people in your life and will attempt to pull you away

*stalks you on social media, monitoring all activity and every conversation; above average amount of notifications, often causing them to be the only person you see when you log-in to check them

*hypervigilance and surveillance in multiple areas of life

*you notice yourself remaining completely aware of your significant other's mood, but it's draining and often at the cost of your own contentment - especially since they often withdraw to induce guilt

Some things that make a person controlling include gaslighting, playing the blame-game, constantly criticizing/judging, insecurity they don't work on but make decisions from, causing you isolation, guilt-tripping, enabling one's own emotional instability, passive-aggression from dissatisfaction, often using the silent treatment as a response, consistent moodiness, and micromanaging.

Clingy people engage in these types of things but it's often overlooked as controlling because it's not outwardly aggressive, like loud verbal threats and physical abuse.

Passive or aggressive, it is still the act of manipulating someone to conform to only their wants and needs in an attempt to control everything around them. Don't use the word "clingy" loosely. Know the differences; seek and demand something healthy and wholesome.

Before I conclude, let's let these two duke it out for a sec. Aaannnddd FIGHT!

Affection vs. Clinginess

Affection: Gives

Clinginess: Takes

Affection: 1, Clinginess: 0

Affection: Expresses desire and love in a healthy and respectful way that leaves you feeling excited and comforted.

Clinginess: Excessive and draining pleas for attention and validation that robs you of the ability to maintain other areas and relationships (family&friends) in life.

Affection: 2, Clinginess: 0

We have a clear winner here! 🏆

Side note: May all of us that have never been loved right find happiness someday.

More thoughts later.

[songtoyou]

Epiphany - Part One

Paring: Luke Crain x Female Reader

Chapter Rating: PG-13 

Word Count: 2,204

Warnings: Talks of drug use and recovery, mention death of a family member. 

Description: Life has never been easy for Luke Crain. After the death of Nell, Luke realizes that he needs to make some changes. He decided to stay in Massachusetts and attend rehab. He was determined to remain on his path of sobriety. When you get assigned to be Luke’s sponsor, it opens a new door of possibilities that neither you nor Luke expected.  

A/N: I finally watched the Haunting of Hill House a while back. I found Luke to be very interesting. This is my take on how Luke would go on with life after Nell’s death and how his continued path to remain sober would look like.

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

Updated: Cleaned up for grammar and punctuation errors.

An epiphany is when a sudden and intuitive perception of insight into reality. It can provide a great moment of revelation and present itself as symbolic insight. Some people experience it while others often search for it.

Life was not easy for Luke Crain or his siblings. After the recent events of Hill House, Luke was scared of a life without his twin sister, Nell. Despite Luke being ninety seconds older, he always felt that Nell was his big sister. She was his protector. The only person to believe in him when others constantly sowed doubt. Unfortunately, Hill House ended up taking Nell in the end, along with his father Hugh. Luke was scared. More scared than he had ever been now that Nell was gone.

However, Luke was determined to get clean. To remain clean. He had to do it, not only for Nell but for himself. Both Steve and Theo pitched in to help pay for a good rehab center for Luke to stay. At first, Luke told them, no, but it was Theo who adamantly expressed her desire to support him.

“Luke, you have made it to 90-days. I can tell you want to remain clean. We all see it. Nell still believes in you and so do we. I want to be supportive of you because you’re my little brother and I love you,” said Theo.

With the support and help of his siblings, Luke decided to stay in Massachusetts for treatment. He took up residence with Shirley in the guest house since Theo decided to move out to live on her own. Despite her worries, Shirley believed in her little brother and his determination to remain clean. One could say it was her way to make amends for the guilt she held by not allowing Luke to attend Nell’s wedding.

It was actually Shirley’s husband Kevin, who recommended Banyan Treatment Center in Wilmington, Massachusetts. “One of my sisters went there for her alcohol addiction. She responded well to the program and has continued to stay sober for two-years. Banyan has a good family counseling program, along with outpatient therapy. Pretty much will have everything you need to continue your path for sobriety,” said Kevin one night after dinner.

It did not take long for Steve and Theo to be on board with Luke deciding on Banyan. Both liked what they read of the place. The treatment center was not uber fancy, like the one Shirley paid for all those years ago but also was a tad upscale compared to the rehab center in Los Angeles Luke recently attended.

The therapists and case managers at Banyan were nice and friendly. Rob, Luke’s primary therapist, helped ease him into a routine. Even though Luke was now over 90 days sober, Rob recommended intensive outpatient therapy every day for an hour session. Luke admitted to Rob, along with his siblings, that he was worried about relapsing due to Nell and Hugh’s deaths. He did not want to fall back into old and dangerous habits.

For 30 days, Luke was committed to his intensive outpatient therapy. Talking over his childhood trauma at Hill House and the recent events helped, not only explain his phobias but also tackle his post-traumatic stress. Hill House had a long-lasting effect that damaged his entire family. So much so, that all he wanted to be was numb. To not have to deal with the images in his mind or how the loss of his mother disturbed him.

When Luke “graduated” from intensive outpatient therapy to regular outpatient therapy, Rob recommended a sponsor for him. The Center’s alumni recovery program allowed for past patients who have succeeded in their program to help mentor those currently in the early stages of detox, treatment, and recovery. Having a strong and influential network of sober peers can make all of the difference between an addict relapsing or staying strong through hard times.

That is how you came into Luke Crain’s life. Rob recommended you to Luke as a sponsor. You had just celebrated your third anniversary of recovery. It was not that you had a bad childhood as the reason you turned to drugs. You were not abused, both of your parents were still alive, nor had you experienced any other forms of childhood trauma. Similar to Luke, heroin was your choice of escapism; the way to ease the feeling of pain and suffering. Not your own, but other peoples’.

That was the downside of being an empath.

Of course, no one believed you about being an empath. Your mother had always referred to you as an overly sensitive child and that stress was not something you handled very well. When having to deal with the ability to sense what people are feeling, whether the emotions are happy, sad, scared, stressed, disturbed, or angry, can be a lot for a person to handle. There came a time when taking on the pain of others became too much. You no longer wanted that burden. You no longer wanted to feel anything.

It did not matter how many rehab facilities your parents sent you to or how many times they pleaded; you did not care. For once, you put yourself first. Heroin helped you stop feeling. Helped you feel numb and content. You were happy. Of course, when the high wore off, as it always does, you were back to reality. You hated reality.

The last hit you had made you end up in the hospital. The doctor explained how you overdosed but were able to resuscitate you in time. That was when you finally realized you needed to change. Needed to get clean once and for all. You knew it would take time and patience. That you would not magically become clean and sober overnight. It was a process. Setbacks were a possibility. However, there was always a little voice in the back of your head that helped pull you through the dark times, to motivate you to keep going.

Now here you were about to meet the new mentee that Rob assigned you to. He only gave a little backstory about Luke, but not many other details. You ended up texting Luke asking him to meet you on Sunday at your favorite coffee shop, the As Good As It Gets Café. He promptly replied that he would see you there around noon.

 When Sunday finally rolled around, you headed to the café and waited. It was a quarter past twelve and Luke still had not shown up. You were starting to get nervous and wondering if he would ever appear. You were on the verge of texting him when the bell on the entry door chimed, indicating that someone was entering the café. You looked up and saw a very tall, scruffy, and attractive looking man standing by the door. The way he was looking around with a lost kind of look helped pinpoint that this was Luke. You got up from your booth and walked over to him.

“Luke?” you politely asked.

“Yes,” he said.

You introduced yourself and held your hand out for him to shake, which he took. You immediately became overwhelmed with the emotions that permeated this man. There was a lot of pain and loss underneath. But there was also a sense of hope and happiness that felt nice.

“Are you okay?” Luke asked wondering why all of a sudden you had a weird look on your face.

“Hmm? I’m sorry. I’m fine. I didn’t mean to…daze off for a second,” you laughed and pointed over to the booth you previously occupied. You walked over with Luke following.

“I’m sorry that I’m late. I was finishing up some homework and didn’t track the time properly,” Luke shared.

“Oh, where do you go to school?”

“Uh…I take a creative writing course at Bunker Hill Community College,” he replied.

“Nice. How are you liking it so far?” you asked him.

Before Luke could respond, one of the waitresses came over asking if Luke wanted anything to drink. Indicating that he just wanted coffee, the two of you were soon left alone.

“I like it. The instructor is really nice. It is the only course I am taking, so it doesn’t take up too much of my time. My older brother, Steve, actually encouraged me to enroll after I shared some of my writing with him. He’s a writer himself. I don’t know if you ever heard of him, Steven Crain? He has written a lot of books, mostly ghost stories. His most famous one is, ‘The Haunting of Hill House’. Have you read that book?”

“I have not. I tend to stay away from horror genres,” you told Luke.

There was a moment of silence between the two of you. Luke was adverting his gaze to anywhere but you. It was easy to tell that he was nervous and unsure of himself.

“Luke,” you spoke up to get his attention and said, “You don’t have to be anxious or feel uneasy. Getting here, to this step, is a big freaking deal. I get it, trust me. I absolutely get it. I never thought I’d be here. To be completely frank, I always pictured myself dead somewhere in the streets. I’m sure you pictured the same for yourself. But it didn’t. You’re here today because you wanted more for yourself. That is something to be proud of.”

Letting out a sigh, Luke sat back in the booth and crossed his arms over his chest. Sometimes he did not feel proud. He missed Nell. He missed her all of the time. She always believed in him no matter how many times he broke her heart. Nell always forgave him. She was always there when he needed someone to bail him out of trouble.

“You okay, Luke? If you would rather do this another time, that is okay. We can reschedule,” you offered. You could sense a feeling of grief underneath the surface of the man sitting before you.

“No. No, I’m sorry. I…uh…I was thinking about Nellie. My twin sister. She…she died recently. Well, not recent, two months ago. So, it’s still…very…it’s still a lot to handle.”

“I’m sorry,” you told him earnestly. “What was it like having a twin? I don’t have any siblings, so I always like to hear other people’s sibling stories.”

“Having siblings has its pros and cons,” Luke laughed, but continued, “They can be much at times, but I’m glad to have them. Especially now that Nellie is gone. They have been incredibly supportive, which makes all the difference in the world.”

“I really appreciate you sharing this with me, Luke. I know it can’t be easy. I am a stranger after all. You’re actually my second mentee from the alumni recovery program. My previous one …well her story didn’t have a happy ending,” you shared with Luke.

He could relate. When he left the clinic in Los Angeles to find Joey and bring her back to get her clean again. She was nine-months clean at the time but ended up using while being back on the streets. Luke would be lying to himself if he did not say he was rather disappointed in Joey. To him, Joey was someone who he could look up to while trying to get clean. He should have known something was off with her during what would be their last night at the clinic. Joey reminded him of Nell, so he could not stand by and do nothing. Joey helped him during his first week at the clinic. So, Luke felt that he owed it to her to return the favor.

Unfortunately, Joey did not want his help in the end. To this day, Luke still does not know what really happened to her after she swiped the drugs off him and headed towards that alley. But deep inside, Luke knew she did not make it. That her body would either be discovered or continue to rot in that alley. Theo would tell him that Joey was not his responsibility. That he had to put himself first when it came to recovery.

Luke pushed his coffee cup to the side and leaned on the table. You were so focused on your own coffee cup that you did not notice him staring at you intently. He was taking you in and assessing you. So far, he could admit that he found you attractive. You had a nice built. Your clothing was not too flashy. He could tell that you were the type to choose comfortable clothing over fashionable attire. However, it was your eyes that stood out. There was a softness and warmness to them that he found quite soothing. There were no ulterior motives behind them or any sense of malice. Luke could see that your intentions with him were good and that you really wanted to help him in his recovery by being a supportive mentor.

“Hey,” he said to get your attention. “I promised that I’ll come to talk to you if I ever feel like I might…. Or if I just feel like I need someone to talk to.”

“I appreciate that, Luke,” you told him sincerely.

[painted-crow]

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 1

I guess I should start with a little about me, since that’s easier than making you pick through previous asks for information and some of you guys are new here. This one’s going to be heavily personal, so you can skip it if you want.

I’m a double Bird. My Bird primary system is heavily Badger influenced, and I also use Lion to support it by telling me when I should investigate something more closely. If we can dip into primary territory for a moment, I guess you can say I understand the world through systems that model things around me. But not all of those systems are things I’ve consciously examined, or fully investigated.

My understanding of how historical people dressed is pretty limited, for example, because I haven’t studied it in depth to get all the information—but I consciously understand what I do know about it. You could say this system piece is tiny but clear; I could expand it if I chose to find out more.

My understanding of how someone I’m not close to thinks might have more data to work with, but I haven’t consciously processed it; that’s the kind of thing where my Lion primary model will tell me to look closer if that person starts acting weird. This system piece might be described as huge but fuzzy; I could clarify it if I sat down and thought about it. I probably have more of these than I realize, but Lion basically takes care of monitoring those. I don’t have to investigate everything.

But some of my systems are both large and fairly clear, because I’ve taken the time both to gather data on them and to examine it. My understanding of myself is… well, I won’t say it’s terribly clear, because I’m in my early twenties and I’m still constantly getting new information, plus someone keeps changing the environment and mucking with my data (that would be me). But I have to examine it, because my brain is like a notoriously buggy piece of software and I’m the poor schmuck saddled with tech support duties.

Basically, the reason I’m good at playing therapist with other people is that I’m constantly doing exactly that thing with myself. (This probably makes me a very annoying patient for actual therapists.)

About that buggy brain, then.

I have major depression. That was professionally diagnosed when I was a teenager and it’s probably genetic. I take medication for it, when I remember to. It especially flares up in the winter or when I’m under stress. I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder too.

I’m almost certainly autistic, which I’ve never brought up with a professional—the first person to figure it out was the system I’m now best friends with, because they’re autistic and they knew I was within two weeks of talking to me. It took me two years to catch up with them and figure it out myself.

In my defense, I thought executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and hyperempathy were like… secret menu items for depression, because those only really bug me during depressive episodes. My current theory is that they’re related to autistic burnout instead.

I mask a lot, subconsciously—it’s actually really hard to turn that off normally—and I just can’t do that as much when depressed. If I do, my tolerance for everything else goes way down and I’ll go into overwhelm and start having shutdowns and dissociating. I recover pretty quickly (hours, not days), but if you’ve never spent 15 minutes standing in a Walmart aisle trying to decide whether you want a jar of peanut butter, but you can’t make decisions because you can’t access your emotions and you don’t really feel like you’re “here” but you kind of just want to go home… well, be glad I guess.

Of course, I have other autistic traits that show up when I’m not under stress, but they’re seldom associated with autism because most people don’t know what autis are like when we’re actually happy. Like, hyperlexia? That’s not even an “official” word, the auti community just uses it because “official” literature hasn’t caught up. I taught myself to read at age three (according to my mom; she says I was reading news headlines and stuff, not just books I’d memorized) and wrote a 35k word novella when I was ten, with no external prompting. My audio processing used to be terrible, but I routinely tested at college age reading levels as a kid.

I also might have ADHD? If so, it’s also mostly just noticeable if I’m under stress, and then it’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if it’s just autism/depression again.

You might be getting a clearer picture of how my secondary and its model end up burnt so often!

(Resisting a very strong urge to cut stuff from this post.)

In short, I was a Gifted Kid. I spent a lot of my teen years biting off more than I could chew, honestly. I felt that I should be able to do more, and I wanted to be taken seriously, but I had basically no idea how to take care of myself because my needs are different from everyone else’s. I’m still figuring those out.

I’m kind of like an orchid plant: incredibly picky about conditions, wants a different “soil” and watering schedule, gets stressed if stuff changes too quickly, but when everything is just right and it does bloom, it goes all out.

I’m not kidding when I say that I have odd needs. One of them is the need for creative work, which seems to be hardwired into me. When I say that art or writing keeps me sane, I often hear back “oh yeah! I’ve heard that can be very therapeutic,” which is an innocuous reply, but it’s always bugged me, and I think I’ve figured out why.

First, because that’s not the reason I make things… I just… have to. Second, I can’t “make up” not doing creative work with some other kind of therapy. Third and most importantly, I’d much rather think of “artist” as my ground state, and depression as a condition that happens when my needs aren’t being met, rather than thinking of depression as the default that I’m just using art to escape from. That seems to me a healthier way of thinking, and probably a more accurate one, but I’m probably the only one who can see that distinction.

If life gets in the way and I can’t make space for creative work, it will actively make my depression worse. I know this because, multiple times, I’ve been unable to pinpoint why I’m feeling shitty, and then I go back to my easel or my writing or (ukulele, cooking, even just taking care of houseplants) and realize I haven’t done anything creative in like a month and thaaaat’s the problem.

I crack open a bottle of gesso to prep some canvases and it smells like… well, I don’t think you can get high off gesso? But it’s not like when you’re out of it on painkillers or cold medicine or whatever. It’s incredibly grounding, like the world snaps back into focus but it’s also oddly euphoric. Or I write ten thousand words in a couple days and it just… I don’t know what that does. I’ve never run across a word for it.

The writer of Smile at Strangers (a really good memoir centered around women, anxiety, and karate) describes a similar feeling in relation to her martial arts practice.

It’s also a bit like when all the snow melts after winter and you step outside and there’s the smell of wet soil under sunlight and I’m not sure if this fully translates for people who don’t have seasonal depression. Sorry.

Dammit, I want to paint… I haven’t had space to set up for like eight months. I’ve been nose-deep in writing projects since last summer for a reason, but right now my friggin Ravenclaw secondary is off angsting about something because of Life Stress Bullshit, and I don’t have the focus to work on any of my writing projects. Apart from this one. But it’s not really what I want in terms of creative work.

*velociraptor screech*

Oh, yeah. I guess I could mention this is why my nickname is Paint. Not sure if that was obvious before. The header image (which is more visible in the app for some reason) is one of my paintings. It’s a tiny one and it’s not one of my favorites, but I had the photo on my phone and the colors work well enough for what I needed.

(restrains self from negging my own painting ability)

This is starting to get into spoiler territory for what burned Ravenclaw secondary looks like, huh? It’s peaced out for a couple weeks at this point. I’m trying to write about what made it take off, but my ability to think of words and form a coherent sentence kinda flew out the window when I approached it directly.

Let’s just say that around the start of the month, someone I was talking to online (if you’re reading this, it’s definitely not you) kindaaaa hit a nasty depression trigger of mine. Not their fault—it’s very specific to me, and I struggle to explain why I can’t really talk about it. Basically, I spent years studying programming and web design, and due to several different but related issues during that experience, it’s now a trigger for me. I very much want it not to be, but trying to train that out of myself has induced more than one panic attack and I’m stuck between giving up on it or figuring out a way to go back to it that doesn’t totally shut my brain down.

That paragraph took forever to write, by the way.

I think I have to end this here. I… am going to go take out the trash, and water my plants, and make my bed, and file some paperwork, and maybe I’ll even mix up some bread dough or do some laundry. Spoiler alert for what it looks like when my Hufflepuff model takes over, I guess.

Oh. And I should maybe probably eat something. I almost forgot about that... again.

[failing-to-write-again]

Sakamaki Character Analysis: Cuntdelia's Children

continuing on to Cordelia's kids now. Again, they all need help in some form. Although full warning they aren't my favourites so I may not be as on point as I feel I was with Reiji and Shu.

Ayato:

So Ayato has a god complex and a narcissistic streak, why is that any why does that mean he needs the special care? Well his mum was abuisve, that's a fact. In the games we hear mentions of physical punishments as well as emotional manipulation, gas lighting, and all that other horrid stuff. Ayato is a ball of insecurities stuck in the way his mother forced on him. He has to be the best because she said she has to, and as a defense mechanism due to her constant criticism he developed his "I'm the best call me Ore-Sama" thing.

Now a lot of fanfics just see you the reader make fun of the ore-sama thing or be too depressed to even care about it, and lemme tell you why I don't think they'd actually the best thing for him. So let's say your mother, a primary care giver, puts you down all the time and makes fun of you. You grow up isolated and constantly feeling you aren't good enough but don't have anyone to talk to so internalize it all and put on an act. Then you get a person trying to date you or befriend you that does exactly what your mother did. Now when I put it like that do you see why the whole "pfft whatever oreo-sama" thing won't actually help. You'll end up dead when he snaps I'll bet money on it.

I think Ayato needs a partner who won't pander to him but won't put him down either. So when you don't want to make him takoyaki say "Not right now, I'll do it when I'm finished this level in Mario. Wanna play with me Ore-Sama?" don't say "Go do it yourself oreo-sama. Wait do you seriously not know how to make it? lol."

Furthermore push him safely. Ask for help making the takoyaki, start small with a "hey I can't reach this pan and you're super tall can you help?" as to slowly built up to "hey will you mix this sauce for me as I prepare the meat? I'll tell you what to add the ingredients are all there." I feel Ayato would benefit from this as he'll slowly realise he's learning how to do things. I think a big part of why Ayato struggles is that he was told he needed to be perfect first try and so he gets disheartened easily. Home boy needs compliments and you to not bring attention to his mistakes. Just be like "oh that's fine you can add more salt if it'd too sweet or sugar if it's too salty."

This goes for everything too he's gonna need someone who slowly teaches him, and trust me the day he realised he's learning he'll be greatfull, he won't show it much at the start but over time he'll get better. Like remember when Ayato slept with Yui in the anime? Sorta like that happens and he whispers a thank you when he thinks you're asleep. Then it slowly becomes a thing of if he knows it's just you and him in the room he won't be against putting his head on your shoulder when he needs some love.

When his grades improve you better make him takoyaki and suffocate him with hugs and compliments because he needs that to be a more open and better person.

Laito:

Laito is a hard one, because I see many s/o for him written as anti-sex who won't give into him, or those who give in whenever and I don't think either would fully work.

If you meet through a one night stand obviously you're never going to get in. I think his best chance would be a classmate he sits beside often, potentially a sacrificial bride but I'm kinda meh on that. He needs reliable no touch love before moving on to anything. So let's say he noticed you doing a crossword before class one day (it's canon he loves em) and he helps on a word or something. Now response here is everything, no swooning and "omg Laito-senpai sleep with me" crap but also don't ice queen it. Hearing "I don't want to sleep with you leave" will shut him out from you forever. I think something akin to "Oh thanks Laito, I didn't know you liked crosswords you seem pretty good at them." Now let's break this down as to why this works best in my opinion. First off you thanked him for something that had nothing to do with physical touch in anyway, second you complimented him but not on his body or skills with said body. Instead you showed appreciation for his brain. And finally the "I didn't know you liked crosswords" gives him an opening to start discussing interests other then sex.

Laito was sexually abused and I think as a result it'd need to be slow and steady with things. So holding his hand and not letting him touch the boob just yet shows you don't want sex you want him. Talking to him about things like fashion means he can do his perv on the girls for a bit before slowly toning down and starting to talk more on the outfits. He will definitely be sleeping with other people at this point, you're not dating at all. I think he'll slowly begin to appreciate the routine of having one person in his life he doesn't need to give his body to, and he may just open up about the abuse. I think being supportive and gently saying something like "well I'm not a professional so I'm not going to be much help, but if you decide to talk to a therapist I'll be there every step of the way for you." BE HIS CRUTCH.

I think he's the most likely to consider and maybe even go to therapy before dating you (I think eventually all the boys would be convinced to start going). I think it would be in therapy where he realises the fact he wants to be near you all the time isn't lust like with other girls but it's love. I imagine he'd be like "It's weird because I want to be with them all the time but fully clothed and eating macaroons or watching movies, not [the following is censored for a good reason]

I think Laito has the ability to be a great partner if he can deal with his abuse and PTSD from said abuse.

Kanato:

Kanato is a tricky case. He definitely has bipolar disorder or manic depression or some serious mental health condition past just PTSD or depression brought on by abuse. So I think he'll need medication and an actual therapist although getting him there is the hard part.

Firsts off toss the "Yeah I have a Teddy too and love sweets as well let's be 5 together" fantasy out the window, especially if the file up sentence to that is "I also like killing people, we're both crazy". Also you can't be a sacrificial bride, you'd be dead or he'd ignore your opinion.

I think maybe if you went to a therapist for a less severe issue (anxiety or something that doesn't make you STAB PEOPLE WITH FORKS) then maybe if he was following you or picking you up and had a meltdown the therapist would actually help him through it which will be like a "omg I don't have to scream to feel better" moment for him I think.

So from there he goes to therapy. He's still childish in his likes and stuff but he doesn't kill people or keep his weird ass dolls. You need to set some ground rules. "No I'm not going to make you cake unless my homework is finished and that's something I have to stick with. Remember your breathing, the longer you shout or be angry the longer you'll end up waiting for cake." Wear his pretty dresses and be nice to teddy and all that good stuff. But set limits. I see Kanato is pretty asexual, like I don't see him as the kinda guy to want sex, I don't think he's against romantic feelings for someone but I don't think he'd have sex with a s/o.

[unwelcome-ozian]

Thank you for answering. I was wondering how neurolinguistic programming differs from the trauma programming you talk about, and from hypnosis. Following this, could NLP be used "badly" (i.e. in a non therapeutic way, to cause more harm), and could hypnosis be used in a traumatising way? Please ask for more clarity in my questions if needed :)

Yes NLP can be used ‘badly’. 

NLP is the building of associations with an anchor. Neuro linguistic programming is the evolution of hypnotherapy. Classical hypnosis depends on techniques for putting patients into suggestive trances; NLP is a technique of layering subtle meaning into spoken or written language so the programmer can implant suggestions into a subject’s unconscious mind without them knowing.

The programmer is attentive to the subject they’re working with by studying subtle cues such as eye movement, skin flush, pupil dilation and nervous tics.

Through these observations a programmer will determine: a) What side of the brain a subject is predominantly using; b) What sense (sight, smell, etc.) is most predominant in their brain; c) How their brain stores and utilizes information d) When they’re lying or making information up.

The programmer will gradually and subtly mimic the subject. The programmer will take on the subject’s body language, their speech mannerisms, and will begin speaking with language patterns designed to target the client’s primary sense.

For example, a subject predominantly focused on sight will be spoken to in language using visual metaphors—”Do you see what I’m saying?” “Look at it this way”—while a subject for which hearing is the dominant sense will be spoken to in auditory language—”Hear me out,” “I’m listening to you closely.”

By mirroring body language and linguistic patterns, the programmer is will achieve one very specific response: rapport_._ A programmer essentially fakes the social cues that cause a subject to drop their guard and enter a state of openness and suggestibility.

Once rapport is achieved, the programmer will begin to delicately lead the interaction. Having mirrored the subject, they can now make subtle changes to actually influence the subject’s behaviour combined with subtle language patterns, leading questions other techniques. A programmer at this point can guide a subject wherever they like, as long as the subject isn’t aware of what’s happening and thinks everything is arising organically, or has given consent. This means it can be fairly difficult to use NLP to get subjects to act out-of-character, but it can be used for engineering responses within a subject’s system’s range of behaviour.

From this point the programmer will do two things; elicit and anchor_._ Eliciting happens when a Programmer uses leading and language to engineer an emotional state. Once a state has been elicited, the Programmer can then anchor it with a physical cue—for instance, touching the shoulder.

Anchors

A stimulus is linked and triggers a physiological or emotional state in the subject. The skilled programmer will anchor an emotion with several sensory cues– auditory, visual, and touch. The subject visualizes an emotional state from the past, or is placed in an emotional state by the programmer. When the state is reaching its peak, the anchor is placed in. The anchor needs to be unique, distinctive, and easy to repeat in the exact form that it was done. The law of strength applies to the strength of the trauma and the strength of the anchor. A stronger smell may be easier to associate with a strong trauma, which makes the anchoring stronger.

Much of trauma-based programming is setting anchors into parts. When the anchors are triggered, and the part is pulled up, then the anchors have worked. Two separate states can be fired at once.

These types of post hypnotic commands are the ones commonly used by hypno-programmers to change behaviour (behavioural modification).

Triggering Techniques: Real-Time Subconscious Implant Delivery: the Programmers are transmitting the posthypnotic command script to the subject and observing the subject’s response. This technique is required for subliminal programming. All programming standard posthypnotic command scripts can be delivered in real-time. This form of delivery can cause the perception of a voice heard in the mind of a subject to give them information or orders depending on the purpose of the handler/programmer.

Prescheduled Subconscious Implant Delivery: The internal central switching computer can transmit a script to a specified part/alter at a pre-specified time. The transmitted script’s transmission range can be limited to a single building, a city, or a large geographical area. By having prescheduled scripts, the subject has seemingly randomly occurring thoughts and feelings that can’t be associated with a commonly recurring situation like event-triggered scripts precipitate.

Event-Triggered Implant Delivery : Posthypnotic subconscious implants that are triggered with an event, thought, or code word. These are strongly experienced by the subject and are powerful tools for reinforcing a predetermined desired behaviour and inflicting delusions.

The Handler can reinforce a predetermined desired behaviour by associating a subconscious implant (negative or positive reinforcement) with an event. An example is when the programmer desires to isolate the subject from a specific individual, place or thing; the subject will be implanted with a feeling of increased anxiety, hostility, tension, and discomfort. When the subject leaves the individual, place, or thing, another posthypnotic implant is triggered rewarding the subject’s behaviour with a feeling of relief from the anxiety, hostility, tension, discomfort, and calm is restored in the subject’s mind.

The handler/programmer precisely tailors the type of negative and/or positive reinforcement, the degree of the reinforcement, the duration of the reinforcing effect and the conditions of the trigger. This posthypnotic event-triggered reinforcement can be decreased gradually and can remain so subtle that the subject believes the discomfort is naturally occurring. The subject will believe it is there decision uninfluenced by anyone else that the subject should avoid the individual, place or thing.

Subconscious implants can be combined with other implants like posthypnotic-triggered thoughts to enhance the subject’s decision concerning a specific situation. For example the subject can be implanted with a command to be sensitive to the changes in their emotions when around a therapist. The situation will elicit a strong negative emotion. This can be reinforced with another posthypnotic suggestion to avoid every situation that cause the subject discomfort and each time the subject commits themselves to removing themselves from a situation of this kind, they will feel increasing control over their lives

Steps to Anchoring

The anchor (or anchors) should be fired in exactly the same way every time to link them to the resource experience.

The programmer chooses an anchor (or anchors) that will trigger the resourceful state.

The programmers create a situation the subject will have an emotional response to (hate, fear, love, disgust, embarrassment, etc.). They will find an anchor that is unique to the experience. Individuals have the ability to use any three of the types of anchors independently or all together. It is important to ensure the anchors are used together and at the same time. The programmers ensure it is something that happens associated with that experience and is not common to other experiences.

A memory is induced, imagined or situation where the subject can experience the state.

The programmer then attaches a trigger.

The programmer will activate the anchor or anchors when the experience is vivid and the subject is in the desired state. The most effective time for the association of the anchor is at the peak of the experience. As the intensity of the experience lessens, so does the association. If the state is maintained at the intensity for a longer period of time it is more likely the anchor will be established.

Depending on the intensity of the experience can control how fast the subject makes the associations. If the experience is extremely intense the association may be strong after only one occurrence.

The programmer will break the state by having the subject participate in another activity briefly. The anchor will be tested by repeating the action that placed the anchor. It should be noted if the original response returns.

The steps should be repeated several times, each time making the memory more vivid. Replicating the experience will achieve the anchor permanently. This is not required when the anchor is established at the high point of the experience. It is recommended the anchor be strengthened by establishing it at the high point of several experiences.

Future pace the situation where the desired state is to experienced. Trigger the anchor to check that it creates a sufficiently resourced state.

The programmer will use the trigger to elicit the emotional response.

After twenty-four hours the programmer will check the anchor to ensure permanent.

Tips

If the subject does not experience the state when future pacing and experiences another state stop applying the anchor. The subject will experience the wrong state.

There is a knowingness which makes anchoring work that is established by the unconscious mind.

If the subject is in a situation where they experience the desired state in reality by another trigger, the programmer must re-establish the anchor to that situation.

Programmers can stack anchors together.

Collapsing anchors When states oppose one another and cause too much difficulty in a subject the anchors can be collapsed.

The programmer must identify the preferred response and the state they wish to change.

It is essential, first, to identify the response preferred to replace the unwanted response. The programmer must create an occasion where the subject experienced strongly the preferred state.

The subject is moved into the memory and it is intensified before anchoring it. The programmer then triggers the anchor to make sure that the state is powerful and the anchor is properly set.

Once the programmer is satisfied that anchor is firmly in place, the subject is taken to the state that is to be changed. As the subject re-experiences the response, it is anchored to a blank part. The programmer then triggers the anchor and breaks the state.

The subject is tested to ensure each anchor is properly set, and then triggers both anchors simultaneously. The effect is usually one of mild confusion. At this stage, the programmer holds the anchors until the confusion dissipates.

The programmer gradually lifts the anchor of the unwanted state, and a few seconds later lift the anchor for the resource state.

The programmer will test by trying to trigger the unwanted response. The subject’s dominate response should be more neutral or the resource state should dominate. This is repeated as necessary until the resource state dominates.

Visual Anchors Visual anchors are among the most common. There are positive and negative visual anchors.

Auditory Anchors An auditory anchor is a stimulus that is a sound or sounds neurologically linked to a state of mind.

Kinaesthetic Anchors A kinaesthetic anchor is one that is a movement, touch or physical action that is associated with a particular state.

Chainless Slaves

Oz

[hillbillyoracle]

Witchblr (for the Most Part) Doesn't Have the Gatekeeping Problem It Thinks It Does

I've been seeing this crop up in more and more posts, bios even - anti-gatekeeping statements. And I've tried to keep an open mind about it, to go "well maybe I'm just not seeing what they're talking about" but as I run into actual posts where gatekeeping is claimed, I'm really starting to think that Witchblr might not fully understand what the term means and why it's essential we don't adopt it from the groups who need it to articulate a very specific experience, one that Witchblr isn't capable of having just within itself as far as I can tell.

I don't know for a fact where the term originates but my first introduction to the term gatekeeping was through the trans community. A friend of mine was having to see a therapist, weekly, for 6 months, before she could get her therapist to write a letter that would enable a doctor to prescribe her the hormones she wanted to take. She'd researched them thoroughly, knew the risks and benefits very well, was fully consenting - but was being denied a substance vitally necessary to her mental, physical, social, and emotional well being.

Gatekeeping usually best describes folks who are not a part of a group getting to decide who is a part of said group. In this example, cis doctors and therapists getting to decide who is trans enough to access medical care they need. This is especially potent when other folks outside the group have easier access to the means than the group being gatekept. Such as when cis women have an easier time accessing HRT than trans women. That doesn't seem to mirror what I'm seeing in Witchblr posts where the word is used.

The power behind gatekeeping requires a level of organization that Witchblr as a community doesn't seem to have. And what's being denied are not things that are vital to folks' material well being but rather recognition and validation. I understand the confusion on some level. When forces with organized power deny folks validation and recognition, it often comes with the denial of material and social goods they need to survive. But the individuals out here writing their blogs largely cannot withhold what is vital and necessary to your continued existence. While we all do better with support, not everyone owes us that support and it requires an exchange to make it sustainable. Reading someone's work, even regularly, doesn't fit the bill. In my book, if you're in need of validation and support, you go to those people who already do or cultivate new reciprocal relationships with people who will.

The few cases where I've seen gatekeeping used to describe intracommunal affairs is in cases where the community is not equally privileged. And while there are a mix of privileged and marginalized folks in the Witchblr community, as far I can tell there's not a cohesive group that is considered more acceptable by folks outside of Witchblr who, through that acceptability, are shielded from the full weight of community specific oppression and ostracize less acceptable folks from collective resources to maintain that sheild. The closest I've seen to this (that isn't rooted in other intersections of identity) is that folks who who maintain a psychological view - "It's all in our heads but isn't that still real?" - of deities, magic, and divination seem to get a better reception than those who believe in other models and sometimes distance themselves from folks who believe otherwise but even then...doesn't quite fit the bill.

For internet communities in particular, I have a very hard time seeing the structures in place needed to enforce gatekeeping. Someone doesn't agree that you are [insert term]y enough for the [insert term] group they're personally a part of? Well there are likely a bunch more groups already established who would accept you. You also have the power to create, grow, and maintain your own. You have both resources and agency.

What I think Witchblr's usage of gatekeeping more often speaks to is many folks crave the validation of other people. They stake their worth and well being on disproving people. When someone says "you're not a witch if you don't do xyz" = they don't stop to think about what power that person has over their power or their practice. They just react. Someone is wrong on the internet and it's perceived as a threat.

Part of the issue is that Witchblr has a tendency toward projecting a practice rather than actually practicing. It's been my experience that when you spend more of your time doing your practice and you have a deep sense of your foundations - whether someone agrees with you or not quickly becomes irrelevant. What so many of the conversations on gatekeeping show me is that many folks do not have a strong enough foundation in what they believe and what they practice to understand who they are and what's relevant to them. They're filling that void with external validation.

Where Witchblr's "gatekeeping" usage becomes outright destructive or even dangerous is with it's continual insistence that people articulating positions well grounded in research and primary records are some how gatekeeping other people they don't agree with. Previous education does help but acting like every person who can defend their positions with source texts automatically has a degree or several is weirdly classist to me.

I went to rural schools the vast majority of my life. I have multiple learning disabilities, struggled hard, and never completed a college degree despite attempting twice. Money and my health stopped me. I was working class and now unemployed. I did not have internet at home for most of my adult life (and only part of my childhood). Like I am so close to the examples I see thrown around in these conversations and yet I have been told that by citing reliable sources that I'm elitist and classist.

Something we don't talk enough about as a community is that expertise has a lot less to do with privilege and a lot more to do with sacrifice. I chose to spend what free time I could practicing and researching. I could have spent that time watching Netflix, hanging out with friends, going hiking, etc. While it was also out of poverty, I chose not to accumulate things in my home that would take a lot of time to care for. I had a second hand hospital mattress on the floor and that was it - that was a sacrifice of comfort. I did not have a pet for the majority of the time I did my most intense studying so I could focus on my work - that was sacrifice. I did not have internet at home, largely because I couldn't afford it, but I embraced it as it created the ability to download a work at a public connection and take it home and sit with it deeply so that I couldn't reach out for other people's comments to filter it through. I only maintained romantic relationships that were low energy input and were thus less satisfying or close so that I could focus on my work - that was a sacrifice.

All this is to say - you don't see half the sacrifices people who have a level of expertise make. There's an assumption of ease where there absolutely should not be one. No one is asking you to sacrifice like that. No one is saying you're lesser for not making that sacrifice. What folks are saying is respect the sacrifices they made to get the knowledge they're trying to share with you. They're often trying to give you what they had to pay with a good chunk of their lives for. Take it or leave it, don't attack them. It is not gatekeeping to recognize that, where spirituality overlaps with history and other topics, there are correct answers that can be found if you look. That's just reality.

Also learning on your own is not the same as having access to an education or to the internet even. Our ancestors did not always have people to study from. Practices like spirit work, divination, and magic developed independently all over the world. There were plenty of interrupted lineages in there too. I think people forget that you can learn these skills through experimentation and observation. People literally can't keep you from this path of learning. Whether you choose to take it is up to you. Whether it's worth the sacrifice - only you can say.

So vast majority of ways I’m seeing people use the word gatekeeping just do not meet the criteria. Watering that word down robs it of it’s ability to name a very specific threat which is especially damaging to use trans folks who use it to call out medical discrimination. The vast majority of instances I see it used in are where someone is expressing an opinion. They may be wildly off base but as long as they’re not spreading truly harmful ideologies, they're entitled to it. Different opinions are not gatekeeping - they’re a natural part of any community and we have to have a level of tolerance for that. That discomfort you feel is an invitation to meet your shadow, understand your discomfort, and prioritize what actually moves your practice forward.

[system-of-a-feather]

So having a subsystem is interesting

[Disclaimer: This is very “our experience” based and not meant to be educational. This is conjecture and is thoughts that have not been passed with our therapist; take this with a grain of salt as our experiences and not as facts or reflections of all DID / OSDD]

This isn’t actually anything relevant to anything currently going on in our life - in fact due to stress, I haven’t been the most in communication with the system or subsystem save for Lucille and another alter - but I was thinking about it and having a system within a system is interesting.

Cause as it is, our system as a whole is a DID system, very firmly. I used to be like “well our amnesia isn’t that bad” but at this point, having my therapist comment on stuff the alters said and having it be hardly anything close to, having more information to an unreasonable level, and / or being entirely new news to me and just a lot of other things, the dissociation between parts - ESPECIALLY outside of the few minutes before and after a switch, but given anything like an hour after - is really large.

We have decent communication, but overall memory is really bad and clearly between parts. But while we as a whole are a DID system, my personal subsystem seems to have amnesia that I think runs A LOT more like a OSDD-1B system

Don’t take this for like, science or educational as much as it is just my experience and conjecture as someone with it since I am thinking about this in a more practical-first hand manner than any third person text-based description and as a result my understanding of OSDD-1B amnesia (as I haven’t discussed this formally with my therapist and I know I have DID not OSDD-1B as of right now) and DID amnesia; but I do really think the dissociation and amnesia with the subsystem is a lot more of a OSDD-1B manner

If anyone would like to add their thoughts or compare it to their experiences with OSDD-1B or DID to see if it relates, feel free to since I’m going to *try* to explain the distinction between the subsystem (wondering if it is more OSDD-1B) and the overall system (DID System)

It might just be superficial just an our-system thing, but I am curious to see.

So for our main system, when it comes to the general system, amnesia between parts feels very whole. While sometimes I do remember things that another alter did or thought (especially if it is just academic / semantic memory / facts), something they had asked or communicated that they would do, or it was just before or just after a switch, often I will come across moments that will be “I literally have zero recollection of that” and moments where I literally had no idea that they said things or did things. If they have a conversation that is particularly emotion driven, it is very very likely I won’t recall it and if I do, it is more likely me pulling together scraps of context and what I know about their state. 

Yes there are moments where we can share information and know what happened with another alter, this especially so with healing and recovery and more frequent with parts that have extensively worked to bond and understand one another (me and Lucille, Lucille and Ray mainly) - but a lot of the times I get told things by a reliable source or look back in messages and have little to no recall of it. Someone can tell me “Ray went on a three hour vent about [insert issue]” and I can often go “Oh yeah about this and I think he said that right?” having gathered that from context clues and what I know about his current state and on multiple occasions my therapist would go “No he very clearly said opposite and made that established” and I would sit there shook cause I didn’t know that was a thing that bothered him at all.

On the other hand, with my subsystem, a lot of the dissociative barriers and memories are primarily around emotional memory and regulation more than anything. Often I will still remember that the part was upset, I will often remember decent chunks of what they had said or done. Often I do remember their behavior (other than my generalized dissociative amnesia as myself that causes things to fade within a few days) and when we switch it is less a stark change but more of a “Lol I don’t know what happened there” more in a sense of “I really don’t emotionally remember why that was such a big deal because its not but okay I’m good now”.

Often the content and what had caused the part to breakdown is usually still intact and in my awareness. Often I still know a good gist of what had happened and while I might loose details of what exactly was done and said, I am usually not being told things happened that I didn’t have a pretty close understanding of that happened. Again, some information is lost, I might forget where they put things or might have lost an aspect of the vent and I wouldn’t be able to recite it perfectly or understand it, but I do remember a decent majority of it. Probably around 60-75% of the time it is more like I am ghosting behind during it all so I personally have some awareness of it.

The place where the dissociative amnesia comes into play is “why does this matter” and “I dont remember why this felt like such a big deal” and it often comes off as a “Well I don’t know who THAT was because I wouldn’t act like that.” Its not a different identity because of the dissociative amnesia but because there is a dissociative / mental disconnect from the behavior of one part to the next and each of us behave distinctly in ways that we go “Well that wasn’t me because that behavior makes NO personal sense to me.”

And like Jii (who is sometimes on this blog) was mainly in the sub-system but has kinda been moved out of it for stability purposes s they are somewhat in between the two and somewhere in between how the amnesia with the main system and the subsystem works and that’s just an interesting topic in its own regard.

Similarly to the main system, at this point if they go on emotional vents or have major breakdowns, I will often really struggle to remember the actual contents and the worries and very personal stuff that they are going through, but beyond the high emotional moments, we still do tend to interact and communicate and co-front similarly to how the sub-system works.

And also with the subsystem, just a post-hoc clarification, but I DO NOT have them constantly co-con or anything and often can’t reach them, that is more of a “when I do this is it” since most of my sub-system is dormant from what I know for the sake of stability until I sort out a balance with Jii who is being adjusted to be the subsystem Primary Protector - but that is beside the point

Anyways I hope my ramble on OSDD-1B and DID and subsystems entertained you and if this brings up any conversation points I’d love to hear from it XD

-Riku (Host)

[batdorable]

It’s hard to talk to my parents about certain things, especially concerning mental health for different reasons between the two of them. My father, while understanding of these issues due to his own experiences with depression, still does not get certain things, especially concerning relationships over the internet. My mom, while understanding of the nature of the internet, tends to attach things to her spiritual and religious beliefs, which makes it hard to level with her because her explanations don’t resonate as much with me as they do her own beliefs. Even more so, I have a hard time actually putting into words what troubles me, and when I try to, I tend to end up on a stream of consciousness that leads far away from the original topic at hand, ultimately leaving any discussion unfulfilling except for a vague hope that fades away quickly. I feel bad even attempting to try and talk about my problems, usually out of a sense of fear that I’m burdening someone else with my own issues, and that I’ll only bog people down with stuff that makes their days worse. I always feel like I’m hurting others by even bringing things up like this, and it makes me feel all the worse when I do so. I’ve feared going to a therapist will not lead me on the road to recovery, and I worry even more so that what will end up happening is an attempt to biologically address the issue. I also worry that a potential therapist will not understand my identity, either on a gender or sexuality axis, and that that may cause additional issues.

    In general, I have a hard time initiating things and getting things started, an issue I’ve had for about as long as I can remember. I have a hard time regularly communicating with other people without some degree of action on their part, and I have a hard time socializing with new people, especially out of a fear that they may not be the kind of people I want to hang out with. My interests are either too niche, or too general to actually meaningfully find a group of people I can feel comfortable with talking to and interacting with. I need to repeatedly prod myself into doing things, both trivial and important, and it often feels like a battle with my own mind to get things done. When it is easy, it tends to be things I have an interest in, but because I shift gears so easily and so often, it often results in multiple unfinished projects, and until college, it often resulted in procrastination and multiple missed assignments. I also have the opposite issue, where I get so absorbed in one thing that I can’t think about anything else, to the detriment of other things I could or should be paying attention to. Talking to people is often marred by a difficulty to maintain a discussion without there being a ‘natural’ or ‘intuitive’ path of communication. Similarly, I have a great degree of difficulty interacting with people in general because of this, especially if the person I’m talking to doesn’t immediately feel ‘right’. This sense of ‘rightness’ will be covered later, but it’s something that affects a great many issues I face. On a more serious note, it's difficult for me to actually and properly respond to people when they talk about their issues, mostly because a wave of anxiety subsumes me in doubt and worries that I will only make things worse for them, thus resulting in terse responses that I feel do not adequately fulfill some form of emotional support.

    This same anxiety has affected many other factors of my life, especially major milestones and changes that I have yet to make out of a distinct fear that I will either mess up, or will end up in a worse position than I was before. I have had a distinct amount of difficulty with getting a job, as I fear that I will end up in a career path that will either be unfulfilling, or outright odious and depressing, worsening my health overall. While I have had ideas as it pertains to my potential career choices, I’m paralyzed by both anxiety, and a more blunt barrier. I cannot drive, and though I’ve taken practice tests, have never even taken the test to get my permit. I’m afraid of being on the road, partly because I worry that the mistakes of others will end up hurting me, and that I won’t be able to react in time to survive others’ mistakes. The other issue I have is that I worry that I won’t be able to spatially perceive my relationship with other drivers on the road, and that will cause me to hurt others, or at the very least, damage their cars. Not having a vehicle has meant that I rely on my relatives for transportation, especially considering the state of public transportation in Las Vegas, and that makes it difficult for me to do things at my own leisure outside of my own home. I also have several anxieties surrounding medical processes, especially concerning my own weight tends to lead many medical professionals to look at that as the primary source of my own issues, even though, as far as I’m aware, the thing I should be worried the most about is maintaining a healthy diet and exercising. Losing a drastic amount of weight would likely cause me to suffer more deleterious health effects than not doing so. 

    As far as relationships go, I’ll speak on two major fronts: friendships and relationships. As much as my family have caused me some form of grief, I don’t see them as the main source of the problem in an immediate sense outside of what has already been mentioned earlier. As far as friendships go, I have an immense difficulty in maintaining them and doing things to maintain them for a long period of time without external motivators. I look back at a lot of lost friends and I feel a lot of regret, and it pains me when I see people I used to know in much better places now with some degree of jealousy, though I very rarely, if ever, act on it. This same form of jealousy emerges when a group of people I am a part of decides to do something (playing a specific game most of the time) as a group and I just don’t feel like doing it at the moment. This is comparatively minor, however, when compared to my feelings of a romantic nature, which have been extremely complicated. Put simply, I feel like there is some part of me that wants to be in a relationship with someone else, but for a variety of reasons it hasn’t worked out. I’ve only been in two relationships, the second of which was extremely brief and the first was also relatively short-lived and I have not been in one for nearly 7 years. I’ve been asked out a handful of times, but for a variety of reasons, I’ve rejected them, though as time passes, I’ve regretted doing so more as time has passed. I’d love to be in a relationship immediately, but I’m very aware that things like that take time. Still, it feels like there’s a hole where I’d like a relationship with someone else to be.

[puckngrind]

Skating Lessons part 16

Summary: More time in the hospital.  Does the reader get to come home?

Warnings: maybe swearing, it’s in a hospital...that’s about it.

Word count: 2954

Series Masterlist

You looked over at Josh after the doctor let you sit up finally. He was standing next to your bed. There was that familiar smirk on his face but it had been replaced with a look of distress and the color was gone from his face.

“Josh.” You reach out to grab his elbow. “Babe.” You tug a little on his hoodie to bring him back to you. His eyebrows are furrowed and you can see his mind is racing. “Josh.” You mustard all the power you could since your voice sounds weaker than it should be.

“Sorry.” He rubs his face. “Did you say surgery?” His hand drops and you take the chance to interlace your fingers in his and pull him towards you.

“Well, not necessary and not right now regardless.” Dr. Jaynes puts his hand on your foot which is still being stabilized. “We will have to let (y/n) heal a little. Keep it in a boot. X-ray in another week. Take it week by week.” He emphasized the end and Josh turns to look you up and down.

“See baby, I’m fine.” You squeeze his hand and smile at him. He huffs and looks you over again.

“(Y/n), I’m thankful this is all we have to worry about but this is far from fine Sweetie.” Josh’s jaw is clinched.

“I agree, this could have been very serious. I’ve seen many patients come in with worse conditions and accidents that were not a bad as yours. We want to monitor you today but you should be discharged tomorrow morning if all goes well. Change your meds and get a boot on your foot that you can go home in. The nurse and Physical therapist will be after lunch to fit your boot and talk home care. Any questions?”

“Can I wear normal clothes yet?” You were tired of this gown that showed all the bruising on your body. You could see Josh’s face when he saw them and you knew Mason would not be able to handle it.

“Well, let’s get the boot on and make sure we don’t need to do any more tests then yes. Can someone bring you some?” You go to say your mom could run by on her way here but then you hear Josh starting to talk.

“I can. I’ll go get my car, shower, get your clothes and some breakfast. Sound okay? It won’t take me long.” Josh brings your hand up to his lips and kisses softly.

The staff all leave and Josh almost immediately has his lips on yours. You breathe him in. How does he still smell so amazing? He’s pretty much been in the same sweats since morning skate yesterday.

“I don’t want to leave you but I’ll be quick plus someone is coming to sit with you until our mom gets here.” Josh kisses you again and you need to get your phone and ask mom for lipgloss. You feel how chapped your lips are against his.

“Wait, what?” You processed that he said someone was coming to sit with you. You give him a look trying to read his face but the look is one you’ve never seen from him until today. “Josh, I don’t need anyone to sit with me. My mom will be here in like an hour.”

“It’s an hour too long and it’s too late. They are here.” He looks down at his phone and back at you. Sure enough in walks Natalie Atkinson and Janelle Foligno. Your hand immediately goes to your hair to try and tame the mess. Josh is greeting them at the door and moves to let them in. Janelle has the biggest edible arrangement you’ve ever seen and sits it next to your bed.

“Hey (y/n)!” Natalie comes right next to you and places her hand on yours. “You have all of us freaked out.” She eyes you like she wants to give you a hug but isn’t sure so you lean in to initiate.

“Thank you, sorry. Wasn’t expecting this clearly.” You smile and the ladies quietly laugh. You eye Josh with a mouthful of pineapple. “Are you eating my gift?”

“Um...Stress eating.” He mumbles though bites and hands you the card.

All our love,

The Lady Jackets

It’s simple but speaks volumes.

“See, hockey is a family. They all have been blowing my phone up since I got the call.” Josh now has a strawberry in his mouth and hands you a skewer. He had told you but you were starting to see it. While it’s a business and his job these people really were his family in Columbus and they had their arms wide open for you and Mason to join.

Josh kisses you and made Janelle promise to call him if any doctor came in before he got back. He kisses the top of your head again and Janelle hands him her keys. He stares at you whispers he loves you and ducks out.

“You’ve changed him.” Janelle smiles softly at you. “Nick agrees. You bring out the best of him and we are so thankful he found you.” She places her hand in yours then goes to pulls up the chair across the room to sit next to Natalie.

You were thankful for Janelle and Natalie. They didn’t focus on your accident just talking about your boys, the kids, and your favorite things to do with kids in Columbus. You found yourself easily talking to them like you’ve been friends for years.

“Honey?” Your mom’s voice comes from behind the door. Her face was puzzled as she took in the room. She nodded to the girls and leaned in to rub your face like she’s always done and kissed your forehead. You introduced Janelle and Natalie. “Thank you for keeping (y/n) company while I got Mason to school and her dad off to work.”

“How’s Mason?” Your voice is the strongest it’s felt since your crash.

“He knows you are at the hospital with a hurt foot but that’s it. We didn’t know what to tell him.” Her hand rubs yours. “I’m glad you are so alert. When Josh texted saying you were more like yourself I thought there was some wishful thinking there.”

“They are weaning me off the meds so I can go home. And dad?” Your eyebrows pressed together to try and read your mom’s face.

“He’s keeping himself busy to he doesn’t have to think about it. The man couldn’t find his socks in his own sock drawer this morning.” Her statement produced a laugh out of the room. You could only imagine. You sprained your knee in high school and he completely relandscaped the yard while you waited for your ortho appointment to see if you torn any ligaments.

Your mom easily fell into conversation as she stood at your side brushing your hair. All of a sudden you could smell food. “Josh is back.” You exclaimed in a hushed voice and the three women all looked at you then the door.

Sure enough Josh walks in with a backpack that he makes look tiny and breakfast.

“Well, I guess I didn’t bring enough food for the party ladies, just our patient.” He had two bags from Fox in Snow and what you can only guess is your favorite, New Orleans Iced Coffee. He takes a sip.

“Wait, that’s not for me?” You look at him disappointed.

“Well, I wanted a sip before you downed it.” He laughs and hands it over.

“And Fox in Snow is a little out of the way from your place?” You raise your eyebrow.

“Yeah, I took a detour.” He rubs he back of his neck and slowly sits on your bed.

Your mom was already moving your tray over so Josh can lay out your breakfast. Janelle and Natalie said their goodbyes to all three of you.

“So what did you ladies talk about?” Josh had shoved his ham and cheese baguette in his mouth.

“You mainly.” He almost chokes which makes you laugh. “You okay babe? And did you time this out so you were there when the baguettes were available?” You smile at him and grab your own.

“Maybe...” he smirks at you. “And what about me were you talking about?” His eyes meet yours then he looks over to your mom who has made herself comfortable in the chair next to you.

“Oh you know, girl talk. But we also talked about where I love to take Mace too.” He gives you a glare that makes you almost laugh.

“Speaking is Mace...is he coming here after school?”

“That’s the plan.” Your mom chimes in not looking up from her magazine. “Also depends on (y/n) too.”

“Yeah, let’s see how this afternoon goes. You can bring him for dinner maybe?” You look at Josh and then your Mom.

“I told preschool I would pick him up today. Figured we can do lunch and hang out until your dad got home.” She finally looks at you. She has her ‘not going to my emotions get the best of me’ face on. You once called it stoic and got an ear full from her. “I’m glad Josh is here since I’ll have to leave soon to get in that lovely pick up line.”

You could tell your mom was relieved Josh was here. You were thankful too but you didn’t want him to miss anymore work. “Thank you mom. I know how much that pick up line is the death of you.” You giggle and turn your attention to Josh who has kept a hand on your body and still managing to eat. “And J, you need to go back to work. Isn’t there a game tomorrow?” You move your leg a bit to nudge him.

“It’s in 2 days. I’m only going to morning skate tomorrow and leaving as soon as your are released. Torts is okay with it.” He rubs his hand up your leg.

“Babe, you need to go back to...” you try to repeat but Josh interrupts you.

“Nope. Torts is a family first kind of coach. I’m sure he wouldn’t let me practice if I showed up anyway. Plus we have a quick roadie to Pittsburgh in three days.”

“And you are going to that?” It came out more like a statement than a question.

“As long as you are settled. Your mom and I already talked about plans for home.” Josh’s smirk was back.

“Yes we did.” Mom chimes in again. You almost forgot she was there for a moment.

“I’m your primary care taker and she’s worked out the whole Mason thing and then back up when I’m gone. Plus Beth is going to help.” Josh looks pleased with himself.

“Wait? What? Beth? Plan?” Your puzzled look makes both your mom and Josh laugh.

“Yeah, your mom wasn’t exactly comfortable with the showering thing.” Josh’s smile reaches his eyes as he chuckles.

“Oh. My. Word. What the...” You look at Josh and feel the heat flood to your face. You see your mom laughing silently next to you.

“There is only one person in this room that has seen you naked in the last four years and it’s not me.” Your mom laughs out. How was this conversation happening? You eye Josh who just shrugs his shoulders with a look of satisfaction.

“She’s not wrong there babe.” This makes your hands cover your face in sheer embarrassment.

“Can we please talk about something else?” You mumble through your palms. Your mom and Josh comfortably talking about seeing you naked is the last thing you want to discuss or imagine.

“Sure.” You hear another voice coming through door. Your eyes dart towards the voice. The physical therapist introduces himself and you know the red on your cheeks is not going anywhere anytime soon. “I’m not here for your boot yet but I needed to make sure if you brought pants that they would fit or if your family needed to go get something else.” He eyes Josh who clearly hasn’t noticed. You clear your throat and motion to bag.

“Oh! I brought my sweats since I was sure your leggings weren’t fitting over a boot.” Josh gets up to retrieve the bag and pulls out his old team sweats. You catch the PT’s eyes widen and you smile knowing he’s figured out who Josh is.

“Can she wear them?” The physical therapist eyes you and then Josh.

“Yes, she has before plus these are old so if we need to cut them we can.” Josh tugs at the drawstring and you know by the smirk on his face he remembers the last time you wore them. “I’m Josh by the way.” Josh reaches out his hand to the therapist.

“Yeah. Yes, I know. Huge fan. Like major fan.” You laugh at the exchange. Seeing men fangirl over your boyfriend was entertaining especially medicated. “Anyway, I’ll be back after lunch. We wanted to wait to see if (y/n) needed any more tests and we can put the boot on, talk after release care, and such.” He looks at you again and then to your mom then back to Josh. “We will need an idea of a plan for when discharge happens tomorrow too.”

“Taken care of.” Josh proudly admits.

“Oh, great. (Y/n) being home by herself really should be at a minimum until she figures out the whole balance thing.” The therapist is only talking to Josh at this point and your mom is watching the interaction in amusement.

“Wait, balance? Because of my foot?” You chime in confused because a broken foot shouldn’t be this big of a deal.

“Oh, uh, maybe...oh...has the doctor not discussed?” The professional standing in front of your bed sounds like a first year med student if that.

“Please just tell me.” You see your mom’s face contort and Josh flinch.

“You may have vertigo from whiplash that you haven’t noticed since you’ve been laying flat and on pretty heavy meds.” He clears his throat and takes in the room. “It’s nothing that will last a significant amount of time but with the foot plus the potential of vertigo your balance won’t be the best.”

“So...” Josh pipes up. “When are we going to figure out if this is something we need to worry about or not?” You are impressed with his composure and ability to ask the right questions. It’s very sexy.  The therapist seems almost intimidated and excuses himself to what you assume is get your doctor.  Your focus turns to Josh but you don’t get a chance to say a word.

“I need to go get Mason.” Your mom’s voice wasn’t as light as it was earlier.

“Mom.”  You squeak out.  “I’m fine.”  You think if you keep saying it everyone will actually believe you.

“Sweetie, I know.  It’s just a lot.  And yes, I know it could be worse but you could also just be home with some cuts and scrapes.”  She made her way to you and kisses your forehead.  

Lunch and the fitting of the boot were somewhat relaxing.  Getting the pins out of your leg from the stabilized was a relief.  The doctor explained the vertigo and had a team help you stand.  He was right.  Your balance was off and you would have fallen on your face if Josh wasn’t in front of you.  His strong arms flexed and came around you almost lifting you up on your bed.  Dr. Jaynes gave you permission to wear normal clothes since Mason was coming and Josh helped you change just in time.

“MOMMA!”  Mason came crashing through the door with a teddy bear that had an Anderson shirt on.  Josh lifted him up to help get him on the bed without hurting you.  “Look, we got you a bear like Bauer but it has Josh’s number on it!”  He hands you the bear and you hug it then him.  Josh has a look in his eye that brings a tear to yours.  

“Baby, I’ve missed you.”  You croak out.  Josh takes this moment to jump in.

“Mace, are you ready to be my big helper for Momma?”  Josh sits behind Mason on your bed and Mason leans into him.

“Yes.  We have to help her get better so she can skate for my birthday.”  Mason looks up at Josh and Josh’s face softens.

“Well bud, even if she isn’t, I’ll make sure she gets on the ice with you. Okay?”  Josh rubs Mason’s arm and looks deep into your eyes.  “Babe you okay?”  He notices the watery eyes.

“Yes.  Just ready to get home.”  You didn’t want to admit how Mason’s interaction with Josh was making you emotional.  

A new nurse walks in for meds.  Josh stands up but Mason doesn’t move.  She introduces herself and turns her attention to Mason.  “Hi sweetie.  I need to check your mom.  Could you stand with your dad or grandparents for second?” Josh’s eyes bugged out of his head and your lips curl up but Mason is the one to answer.

“Dad? He’s my Josh.”  You giggle a little and the look on nurse’s face was priceless.  You eye Josh who you can see swallowing the lump in his throat as his initial shock look turns to a sweet one.   Josh really was the closest thing to a dad Mason has ever had.  And the fact that Mason claimed him as his made your heart skip a beat.  

“Yup, I’m yours.  That’s for sure.” Josh pulls Mason up into his arms and gives him a kiss on his forehead and you melt right there in your hospital bed.

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[chamibii]

How does that make you feel? - Therapy AU

"How does that make you feel Bakugou?"

Bakugou ground his teeth and rolled his eyes. "You know I hate that question Midoriya."

Midoriya cocked his head subtly and smiled softly. "I know Bakugou, but just humor me. How does that make you feel?"

Bakugou shifted nervously in his seat and attempted to still his leg from tapping. He checked the clock to see how much time he had left in this god forsaken session. Maybe if he doesn't answer, he'd shut the fuck up.

Bakugou was uncomfortable with the silence and Midoriya knew it. "Fuck! Fine. I feel pissed off. Alright?"

Midoriya nods and makes a notation on a piece of paper. "Bakugou, as you know, anger is a secondary emotion.."

Bakugou cuts off his therapist, "If you ask me what my fucking primary emotion was, I swear I'm gonna lose my shit Midoriya."

Midoriya chuckles softly and nods. "Okay Bakugou, I hear you. We have 10 minutes left. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

Bakugou stood up quickly headed to the door. "No, I'm good. See you later." Bakugou slammed the door shut behind him, not giving his therapist a chance to respond.

This was fucking stupid. He didn't understand why after one incident at work, he had to attend therapy. He had been going to therapy for 6 weeks now and all he felt was irritated.

He knew that he couldn't return back to work if he didn't "take this seriously", as his boss reminded him nearly weekly. He hated doing this shit, but wanted to go back to work, so he scheduled for the same time next week.

---

"How was your week Bakugou?"

He clenched his fists and fought the urge to yell at his therapist. "You know how each week is Midoriya. It doesn't fucking change and won't until you sign off on me going back to work."

Midoriya smiled and tapped his pen against the desk. "You're very guarded still. Don't you believe we should be past that by now?"

Bakugou groaned slightly and took a deep breath. He didnt want to share about his week, because truth be told, it was lonely. Work distracted him and without the distraction, the only thing he had to do was clean or watch television. Bakugou had a few people that he tolerated, but after being ignored for several days, his "friends" stopped reaching out to him.

"If I tell you about my week, can you just, shut up for a while?"

Midoriya nodded and remained silent.

"My week was, hard." Bakugou took a deep breath and continued, "Since the incident, I stay at home. I dont feel like leaving. You happy?"

Midoriya quickly scribbled in Bakugou's chart and dropped his pen. Bakugou heard the chair creak and lifted his eyes to stare angrily at Midoriya. As Midoriya crossed the room to sit next to him, Bakugou stiffened. Midoriya's added weight on the couch caused his heart to race. Just what the fuck was he doing?

Bakugou scowled at Midoriya. He was wary of doing therapy to begin with, but if Midoriya pulled some weird shit, he was just going to have to forget his job and find another.

Midoriya smiled as he turned his body to face Bakugou. He flinched at the sudden contact of Midoriya's hand on his shoulder. Midoriya's eyes flashed with concern, but he softly spoke, addressing the honesty Bakugou had shown.

"This has been really hard on you Bakugou. You believe you've been singled out and this causes you to be angry. Not only that, but you have a total sense of loss of control due to being forced to take leave and seek therapy in order to go back. Even if you don't see it, or you can't acknowledge it, you're making progress and this is a good thing." Midoriya gently squeezed his shoulder.

Bakugou, embarrassed, wrenched his shoulder away from Midoriya. "Progress? Then why am I not back at work?"

Midoriya hummed softly and placed a hand on his chin. "You know, only you can answer that question Bakugou, but I'm willing to come alongside you as you figure it out."

He was so fucking irritated with this shit. He wanted to punch Midoriya in his face and just leave. As he clenched his fists and raised them to his lap, he felt the therapist tense up beside him. Bakugou knew he was going to move back to his side of the room, but the therapist still sat next to him, tense, but unmoving. He looked over at the man and scoffed.

How in the hell was someone who was a few years older than him, supposed to help him with the shit he was going through? He saw the concern, fear, and another look that Bakugou was all too familiar with, in his green eyes. Bakugou raised an eyebrow and smirked at the therapist. He had to admit to himself that part of the reason he continued to return to therapy was because Midoriya was attractive as fuck. Yeah, he wore those stupid cliche therapist sweaters to "appear warm", but when he slid them off his shoulders, Bakugou noticed the muscles rippling underneath his shirt.

Bakugou relaxed his fists and stood up to leave. "I know the session is 50 minutes or whatever, but I'm done for today. Put whatever the fuck you want in your shitty notes. I'll see you next week".

---

Bakugou sat comfortably on the couch, his legs slightly splayed open. After last weekend's interaction with Midoriya, he decided he was going to make therapy interesting. Usually he would come to session in baggy sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, but this week he chose black jeans that hung low on his hips and a red t-shirt that snuggly fit against his chest. He had put in his piercings again and could feel the fabric of his shirt rubbing against his nipple rings which caused his nipples to stand out proudly.

When Midoriya opened the door to call his name, Bakugou chuckled at the brief moment of shock that crossed his face. Midoriya knew that Bakugou witnessed this so he attempted to smooth it over with some psychotherapy bullshit.

"Wow Bakugou! This week must have been a really great week for you. In the nearly two months we've been working together I've never seen you dressed up."

"Dressed up?" Bakugou smirked. "I just put on clothes. Calm down Midoriya."

Bakugou enjoyed the way Midoriya began to flush. A light blush crept across the bridge of his nose and spread to his slightly freckled cheeks. He had to admit, Midoriya was gorgeous. Bakugou leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and placing his chin in his hands. He trained his gaze on Midoriya. Midoriya shifted nervously in his chair and tucked a loose curl behind his hair. Bakugo liked that despite his professional appearance, his therapist kept his hair fairly long and tied back in a ponytail.

"Uh, so last week, you, uh mentioned that you were struggling to leave your apartment. How are you doing this week Bakugou?"

Bakugou made a show of wetting his lips before speaking, knowing that the hint of silver from both of his tongue piercings would catch his therapists eye. "Still rough, but nothing I can't handle."

He felt Midoriya's eyes on his mouth and chuckled to himself at the deepening color on his cheeks. Bakugou raised an eyebrow and leaned back into the couch, slouching slightly, causing the denim to bunch up against his groin. He received the reaction he was waiting for when Midoriya gasped a little and dropped his pen.

"You okay Doctor?" Bakugou made sure to emphasize the title, knowing how this would nearly unravel Midoriya.

"Y-yes, my apologies. I guess I'm a little jittery from too many cups of coffee."

Coffee. Right.

"So, what's been making this week, uh, rough?"

Bakugou crossed his arms and shrugged. "I can't pinpoint it exactly. But after getting into that fight and being told I had to 'tow a line' I've just had too much pent up aggression. I've felt like at any minute I could blow and I didn't want it to be on the first guy that looked at me." He was really proud of the number of double entendres he was sliding in this conversation.

Midoriya chewed nervously on his pen. Bakugou noticed the perfect lips that looked soft and imagined them wrapped around his..

"Bakugou did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry, I spaced out."

"Where did you go just now?"

Oh you know, I was thinking about fucking your pretty mouth and coming down your throat. "Nowhere. I'm just tired. Haven't been sleeping well. How much time do we have left?"

Midoriya looked at his watch and stood, walking over to the door. "We made good progress today, so we can go ahead and end early. I have to prepare for my next client. I'll see you next week?"

Bakugou stood up and stretched slowly, allowing his shirt to creep up slightly, exposing the hint of ink that was on his abdomen and hip. He walked up behind Midoriya, pressing himself into his back, reaching for his jacket. He leaned in close, his lips nearly grazing Midoriya's ear and whispered, "See you next week Doctor".

He had to bite his lip from dissolving in laughter at the sight of the greenette turning bright red. Therapy was going to be fun.

---

Enjoy :)

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

so this is where it begins

So, Hi I'm Dino (obviously not my real name but I wish it were haha). There is a trigger warning to self-harm, mention of suicide and depression.

I'm 20 and attending university a few of my friends have done some blogs, so I decided this is where I'm going to start.

As a reader, I thought you'd better known I have dyslexia. Hence, it is a big step to write a blog as, usually, I'm not too fond of it (the dreaded writing spelling and grammar NOOO), But here we go.

In my lifetime, I've been through a lot of crap to get to be who I am today( I will probably talk about some of this in other blogs.) Of course, the aftermath of having a lot of crap happen to you is a lot of issues in the future and a lot of trauma.

There is a daily struggle with mental health. Everything is a battle most days I have to drag myself out of bed which is so very hard to do many little tasks that are easier for other like showering I find is a massive task (thanks depression love you too). Most nights I'm up to the early hours of the morning fighting the demons in my head screaming at me to give in and will not shut up until I give in to the blade and feel the sweet relief of pain as I cut myself. The blood flows out of wherever I've cut it from, Even after this it's not the end of the battle, I get a big hit off of the guilt about doing it, so I don't sleep whatsoever so am tired all the time. In the daytime dark thoughts still spinning around my head, monsters breathing down my neck. Throughout the day, they are lingering over me, waiting for me to mess up somehow and then reminding me of this mistake all day.

The night time is when they are the loudest when everyone I could turn to is asleep. Still, I don't want to bother my friends with my shitty problems 'they don't care. "They don't like you' the demons whisper in my ear when I pick up the phone to text someone, To scream out and get help for my head trying to kill me, haunting me dark thoughts taking over my mind full of darkness and nightmares no light left I'm alone with my thoughts so, I give in and let the demons take over like a bring me the horizon quote 'it comes in waves, I close my eyes Hold my breath and let it bury me I'm not okay, and it's not all right '. I'd say night time is like a tight rope your battling to staying it while monsters are trying to push you off watch you fall to your death some people make it, but some fall off. I always cant get the thought of they (The demons) have been there when no one else was. They have never left me like everyone does.....

Its been about eight years since I started cutting I've been self-harming for a while I can't remember exactly when I began, it began as hitting myself hard. , it only developed into cutting in year seven. I was bullied a lot, so this triggered me to start cutting myself. I felt worthless and like I deserved it everyone hated me so I may as well hate myself too. It began to get worse when my best friend I'd known since I was in primary school killed herself. The guilt consumed me whole, and I became a shadow of who I used to be I was no longer that sweet innocent child who had no care in the world. I was a self-destructive monster who wanted nothing less than to hurt me and wanted nothing more than have me dead. (I'm not going into the suicidal thoughts in this one yet maybe in a future blog.) Yet no one knew. I wouldn't show any emotions expect happy I was 'hyper ', but it was all an act to stop the evil thoughts consuming me and not to let anyone worry about me I didn't deserve that. I'd tell myself daily that I deserve the pain that I cause myself.

I tried to get help for the bullying at school, but my school made it worse so from then forward I shut down completely refused to talk to anyone about my depression. I didn't have a pleasant childhood my parents were abusive (again not going into that in this one). I didn't have many friends, so I never felt good about myself. This was all a massive kick at my self-esteem. It was only until year 11 when my games teacher noticed me as always wearing long sleeves in the blistering heat when we were playing rounders.

It was a childcare lesson she took me aside and took me to the school nurse then I'll never forget how my heart dropped when she said "roll your sleeves up" I first refused. She suggested that she'd go outside the room and to show the school nurse to make sure they wasn't infected or anything so I agreed to this. After this miss brown was the most supportive and she'd been. School became a bit easier from then. We started talking more and more each lesson I enjoyed her company.

One of my bullies who I am very close to now, and we talk a lot came up to me and apologized for what she has said to me in the past. I forgave her, and we sat and chatted about things I let her open up, and she had been through a lot of shit as well, and I felt terrible and told her she could talk to me. After this we became friends, and we talk now and then.

At this point, I was still self-harming and being bullied even cyberbullied to the point the police was involved. Another traumatizing event happened during this time I put my trust into the wrong person and regretted it. I still regret it today and hate myself. But we will cover that in another blog.

I did my GCSEs did pretty well, and life was okay even though I was still at home my self-harming was still a thing, That summer my sister found out about it she asked I told her not to tell mum. Guess what she did TOLD MY FUCKING Mum. My mum was in a lousy mood came to me shouted at me to take my jumper off, so I did she saw the cuts and had a go at me took my phone off me and grounded me and more which I'm not going to go into yet. It was horrible of course I cut again and again and felt suicidal she made me feel so worthless and alone.

Starting college for the first time was stressful and made my anxiety so bad. The first year of college was when I began therapy Tamsin was my therapist. She was lovely, helped me a lot. My self-harming didn't stop but reduced a bit whereas before the sweet relief of the blade and saw how much id bleed was most nights. It was like it was part of my routine. Go to school/college get home to wait till everyone is asleep then cut my night away.

Then lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of how worthless I was and how I want to be dead how I wish I could cut deeper and made it worse for myself. This reduced a bit it wasn't every night, but most nights it was rough and never thought it would consume my life as much as it did never thought id still be here struggling with it.

I've cut myself a few times where I think I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't. One of these times was in my next college it was rough as my original college had told me I wasn't good enough, And that I Wouldn't make it, so I moved to a new college. One of the first weeks there I remember cutting very deep and panicking it was a hot day I was at work and had got home and felt stressed over things and cut my arm badly. I wrapped a sock on it was all I had and texted my girlfriend she told me to find my mate I walked into town found my mate we went to the shop got some supplies sat on a bench and patched it up. I knew a paramedic, so I texted them asking them what I should do they told me to put alcohol on it, Once I got in I put some rum into a small glass went upstairs and told my dad I was going for a bath I ran the water got a wet flannel and bit it. At the same time, I cleaned it I screamed into the flannel in pain I put the water on so my parents couldn't hear me I led on the floor after this and cried to myself silently until I was done then I came out so my dad wouldn't think anything of it went back into my room and cried myself to sleep.

The second year of college wasn't too bad. I had a shit therapist who would tell me things that triggered my eating disorder and would make me feel suicidal. I remember going into her appointments feeling okay and come out feeling suicidal. I had good best mates in my life it was okay (I was still cutting through) thankfully. I am always thankful to this day my friends stopped me from going to this therapist as she made things worse I stopped seeing her for a few months if I didn't stop seeing her id be 6 feet under the ground with nothing to me but a skull.

I wasn't in therapy for a few months as I needed a break from it all until my cutting and suicidal feelings got worse, so I decided to get back into therapy with the help of my friend I had this lovely therapist called Sharon she stuck by me and suggested I go to the doctors, so I did. I was put in meds and probably diagnosed with my issues. However, id had them since I was at least eight or nine at least had some of them like anxiety. Things calmed down meds helped me but also affected me badly I got all of the side effects,( so that wasn't fun.) Still, things went pretty smoothly until university applications I was accepted into a good uni on a conditional offer. This all went wrong this was in 3rd year by the way my college fucked up and put me into The inappropriate exams I couldn't do the GCSE due to my mental health my therapist suggested I do not take it I was suicidal and cutting.

So I didn't get into the university I tried to get into another one they rejected me as I was about to give up hope my friend introduced me to clearing, and that's how I got into the university I'm in now.

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts still attack me, and I still struggle with simple things like just staying alive and not cutting. Each year I wonder am I going to make it to the next year or will I kill myself before the year ends its an achievement getting through the year and surviving it.

I have excellent people in my life now. I feel happy with where I am for the first time in my whole life. I've never felt pleased with the way things are going things usually fuck up. I'm pretty sure life will throw another obstacle my way eventually, but I'm sure one day it will get better. Self-harm will be in the past one day, not right now I'm not ready to stop altogether I can't physically do that (sorry). One day my mental illnesses will be manageable without the pain that comes with them now. Years down the line, I can say I WAS a self-harmer instead of I AM a self-harmer. That will be a while I still need to heal my emotional scars and finally be free from the monster that is depression. Depression is a war you either win or you die trying it's the worst beast of them all the strongest beast, but even the biggest worst beast can be beaten. I believe in all of you out there struggling with your depression. Suicidal thoughts depression can be beaten, look at those who have got through it google it many celebrities have depression and won the war in their head. People like Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Ellen DeGeneres and many more.

Depression is the silent killer it waits till your alone( i mean not alone physically; you could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. )

Then it strikes with false things about no one caring about you. But you are so much stronger than you think if you need support, there are people out there who care about you. You may feel alone but don't tell me in the world of billions, and billions of people, not one cares because that's not true I care.

It's okay not to be okay. I look back and see things do get better from the point I am now to the point I was six years ago things have changed, things may not work out to start with, but it will be okay. Still, they will work out one day this darkness your in will be light you won't have to struggle with the beats in your head the silent monsters that grip you with their claws and consume you alive.

So there you go that some of my battle with self-harm I will go into things a bit more in future. I hope you liked it is not the happiest (sorrrryyyyyyyyyyy ). Still, I hope I can inspire you and give you hope that it does get better and things will work out.

You probably have been told this thousand of but here is the Samaritans number they good and living is good once you get past the darkness of depression. You will get through this your strong enough!

Stay strong fighter!

love

Dino xx

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[cryptiboy]

do you have any advice for someone having flashbacks? you dont have to answer if u dont want ✌️no pressure

hi anon! ngl I’ve been dealing with flashbacks for a very long time and they’ve recently gotten worse, so I’m not super guru all under control no problem, but what it does mean is that I can share some of what’s been working for me, and what I’ve tried and didn’t work but could work for you!

First, identifying that you’re having a flashback in the moment is the first step to helping yourself with flashbacks- how can you manage flashbacks if you don’t even know when they’re running through your mind? Sometimes they’re really easy to identify (being overwhelmed by a bad memory or bad memories, knowing seeing and feeling these memories clearly, being physically and mentally upset by them, etc). Other times, it’s much more difficult to identify it (blocking out the memories you’re experiencing, memories only showing up through emotions after being triggered by something you didn’t catch as a trigger, etc).

Caring for yourself when you’re NOT having a flashback is also essential to your health when you ARE having a flashback! This doesn’t just mean eating healthy and getting enough sleep and exercise (although, those are a crucial part of this step as well)- it also means practicing the skills you’ll be using when you are experiencing a flashback BEFORE you experience it. For me, this means practicing mindfulness and mindful meditation: what I get from this is NOT “turning my thoughts off” as a lot of people think- it is though, being able to step away from the stream/roadway/track that is your thoughts and emotions, and watching your stream of thoughts (whether positive or negative) with compassion and curiosity for yourself and your thoughts and emotions. I’m probably not explaining it as well as I’d like, but I reccomend finding some articles or books on it if you’re interested!

What I’ve also learned from meditation is: BREATHING. If you don’t take anything else away from this answer, at least take this: breathing will save your life, literally. When you’re flashing back, take a moment to check in with your breath. Ask yourself and your body questions like: am I breathing right now? (Sometimes the answer is no) how quickly am I breathing? How deeply am I breathing? Am I breathing from my stomach or my chest? (Aim for stomach breathing, something most people need to relearn) Try to gently move all of your focus and attention into how you are breathing- when you realize your mind as wandered over to something upsetting, allow that something to move along down your stream of thoughts, and gently and lovingly bring your attention back to breathing (there’s the meditation again!) counting how long your breaths take, as well as how many breaths you have taken, as well as the sensations of breathing can keep your mind busy with tasks meant to calm down instead of rile up. Make sure to do at least three or four breaths before trying anything else, but you can absolutely do this for as long as you like (for the entire day, in fact! Sitting or standing still is good to start, but this can be practiced on the bus, in school, at work, on a walk- you name it, if you can breath then you can practice breathing!)

This is where I WILL interject myself- if you don’t have a therapist and haven’t talked to your doctor about this, I really reccomend doing that! They’re called a care team because they care for your health and well-being, and will have a lot more helpful resources and personalized advice than I do :) I’m also not a liscesnsed therapist or doctor or psych, this is all advice from one survivor to another

Once you feel like you are calm and okay with facing your thoughts (please do not worry if this takes much longer than you anticipated, recovery is not a race no matter what anyone tells you), you may try observing your thoughts and emotions with more attention (while still mentally distanced from them)- no emotions are bad, it is only how we act on our thoughts and emotions that can harm or help. So, sit with them and sort out what exactly is going on- can you identify what triggered this? What are your primary and secondary emotions? If you get overwhelmed (which happens for most people, often), gently take yourself away from that train of thought and bring yourself back to breathing, grounding, and self soothing. The outcome of observing your thoughts should be a calm and slightly relieved understanding- it should definitely NOT be triggering yourself into another flashback, or sitting with bad emotions and letting them build up. This step is difficult, and still one I’m personally struggling with

I talked about breathing, but what are grounding and self soothing? Let’s get into it! Grounding is when you pull yourself back into the present, physical, realistic moment around you- a popular method is to name five of each sense- 5 colors you can see, 5 sounds you can hear, 5 textures you can feel. You can also just take in the environment around you- notice details of different things, allowing yourself to flow between details and different senses and objects, thinking about how they connect and how they make your body feel- seek out sensations that you know make you calm in times of upset, like making yourself a cup of tea, holding a favorite stuffed animal, or listening to cheerful or calming music. The purpose of grounding is to recalibrate your emotions and allow them to level out, as well as healthily distract yourself.

The other healthy way to distract yourself that I mentioned is self soothing! A lot of the stuff I mentioned above can count as self soothing (like making yourself tea or listening to music)- self soothing is simply the act of soothing yourself in a healthy, positive way. Many of us have picked up unhealthy ways of self soothing (self harm and drug abuse, for instance). If you recognize an unhealthy habit, don’t berate yourself for it, you had the right idea in trying to self sooth! Instead, allow yourself to learn new, healthier ways of coping the replace the old negative ways. Some other healthy ways of self soothing include: giving yourself a bath/shower, self massage, exercise (this can range anywhere from rock climbing to running to yoga to dance- get physical in a healthy healing way!), cooking a delicious meal for yourself... there are many, many more self soothing ideas out there, these are just a few!

Remember that no matter what you take from this, meet yourself with compassion and a willingness to listen and help yourself- flashbacks can feel like an attack on yourself by yourself, and there’s often a lot of self loathing and shame that naturally comes with the problems associated with flashbacks- please, try to always gently remind yourself that: it isn’t your fault. You were hurt in some way, it is natural for you to be experiencing these things after being hurt. Flashbacks are a way for our brain to try and figure out how to do the situation better next time- but that have gotten out of hand, and have started to harm instead of help (your body doesn’t know that though- it is just trying to keep you alive and safe!) remember that you are in control (even if it doesn’t feel like it), you are important, you are strong, and you are not alone in this.

Although this post is long, it only barely scratches the surface of the well of help and hope for people experiencing flashbacks. I hope this helps somewhat, keep breathing, and feel free to message me again!

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

For the ask thing all of them :) if you don’t have the spoons 5, 7, 8 and 23. I hope you’re a good day :)

1. How old were you when you found out you had DID/OSDD?

28

2. What symptom disrupts your day to day life the most?

It varies a bit but a mix of flashbacks and time loss. Dissociation in general can also suck but most of the time it just kind of is. 

3. What is your favorite grounding tool?

Hmm… probably strong scents or interesting textures

4. What has your experience with therapy been like?

We’ve been in and out of therapy since age nine and it’s been a mix of good and bad experiences. Looking back, there were definitely previous therapists who suspected at least some of what was going on, but most of our symptoms were chalked up to a schizoaffective diagnosis. 

We’re not currently in therapy as we don’t have health insurance and can’t afford therapy. Our partner is in the process of finding a new job as his current position pays abysmally and once he finds something, we’re hoping to move to the next state over that has a much better healthcare system and actually has therapists who specialize in dissociative disorders. 

5. How often do you switch?

We switch at least a few times a day, though the frequency varies quite a bit. There are two littles who come out every day at pretty predictable times, though they also will pop out at random. Others will front sporadically but it’s pretty unpredictable. 

6. What does recovery mean for you?

That’s something we’re still figuring out. Right now, my primary goal is increasing communication between parts and helping parts feel comfortable expressing themselves. 

7. What aspect of recovering do you look forward to the most?

Hopefully, feeling ok. Like, I can’t remember a point in our life when we haven’t been struggling. We’ve experienced depression and trauma symptoms for so long that I really don’t know what it’s like to not experience that. I hope that one day we’ll be able to find peace and contentment.

8. What is a day in the life of your system look like?

Pretty dull, lol. We don’t have our drivers license right now, so we’re not able to leave the house independently which pretty much means we only get out of the house on our partner’s days off and he’s been having to pull a lot of overtime lately. 

Our neck’s been acting up again so for the past week or so our days have mostly been watching YouTube and gaming when we’re able to be upright for a bit. 

But it varies a lot depending on where we’re at physically. The past week and a half has been pretty rough so we haven’t been able to do much, but when we’re doing better physically, we like to craft 

9. What is your external support system like?

It’s pretty limited. After everything that happened last fall and having to move 4+ hours away and back in with my parents, we’re separated from most of our support system. We pretty much just have our partner here and our best friend back in NY. 

Where we are now, our options for meeting people are pretty limited and we’re stuck in a pretty conservative area so the idea of trying to make friends here is…daunting. Plus, with idea that we’ll hopefully be moving soon, I’m kinda just waiting until we’re in a new place to try to make connections, especially because the area we plan to move to is a lot more progressive. 

10. How do you record system activity?

Until recently, we just…didn’t. We’ve tried a variety of ways but have struggled to find a method that stuck. However, the other day I found a journal app that I really like and I’ve been doing pretty well so far at actually writing in it throughout the day though I’ve yet to have anyone else add to it. 

11. How does dissociation feel for you?

Lots of different ways depending on the moment. Sometimes it feels like dreaming. Sometimes it feels like being really tired. Sometimes it’s frightening. Sometimes it’s comforting. Sometimes it feels like not knowing who I am. Sometimes it feels like I’m not real. Sometimes it feels like everything is around me is just slightly out of reach. 

12. What music do you relate to your disorder?

I don’t really know. There’s a few songs by Marianas Trench that feel like they relate to me, but like, it’s usually not in a way I’m able to actually explain lol. But I guess the songs Astoria and Who Do You Love feel connected to me. 

13. What has your experience with the DID/OSDD community been like?

It’s mostly been as an observer. I watch a bunch of systems on youtube and follow a bunch of people on here and on instagram, but I don’t interact much. I post about stuff on here occasionally, but I haven’t really interacted much, mostly because I get to anxious to actually reach out to people. 

14. What media comforts you the most?

Probably Steven Universe, though we have a bunch of different comfort shows. 

15. Are there any popular coping/grounding tools that don’t work for you?

A lot of common breathing techniques like box breathing cause us to panic rather than calming us down. I don’t know why, but feeling like we can’t breathe, even momentarily, causes panic so any breathing exercises where you’re supposed to breathe out and hold don’t work for us. 

16. How does DID/OSDD affect you physically?

That’s something we’re still sorting out. I’m pretty our physical tics are related to it. 

17. What aspect of recovery are you working on right now?

Increasing communication

18. What co-morbid conditions interact with your DID/OSDD the most?

Probably our physical health stuff. Some physical symptoms affect different alters to different degrees so our pain levels and other symptoms often affect who can front. For instance, one of the littles experiences pain a lot more intensely than I do so lately, they’ve been having a hard time fronting even though they want to. 

19. Are you a trauma-over-sharer or a take-my-trauma-to-my-graver?

It varies amongst alters and traumas.

20. How much progress towards stability or recovery have you made since finding out about having DID/OSDD?

Quite a bit, though we still have a long way to go. 

When we first figured things out, it was in the midst of escaping an abusive situation that had gotten really bad. For awhile after escaping, we were a mess. The main host at the time had mostly stopped fronting and was incredibly distressed when they would come forward. In their absence, a revolving door of alters began fronting, many of whom were very angry or very depressed or terrified. We were lashing out and crying a lot and losing a lot of time. 

Out of this chaos, I emerged as the new host. I think I split off then to be the new host. At first, things were pretty rough and I would lose time when others fronted and we were getting triggered a lot. 

However, since then, I’ve gained decent communication with a couple alters and am starting to develop contact with more. We’re a lot more stable now I’m losing a lot less time. 

21. What does safety mean for you?

Being able to get a place with our partner away from our family.

22. Are there any emotions you struggle with experiencing or are isolated elsewhere in the system?

Most of them, lol. Like, I’ll start to experience an emotion but that often triggers someone else out, so *shrug*

23. How do you comfort distressed alters?

It depends on why they’re distressed. If it’s something that can be fixed, I’ll do what I can to fix it (like keeping a low level of light on at night to help those who are distressed by the dark). A lot of times, I’ll put on a comfort show to help redirect. 

24. Do you prefer internal (like thought and feeling) or external (like written notes) communication with alters?

So far, I haven’t gotten a lot of response with external communication, so it’s pretty much just internal communication for us. I sometimes get full thoughts from the others but a lot of times it’s feelings or songs and, occasionally, images.

25. What makes you happy?

Snuggles, spending time with our partner, crafting

***

holy crap that was a lot of questions! but that was really interesting, so thank you! 

~rowen