#Something in my mother reminding me that I was very... Violent in vibes if not deeds

[huenot]

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[lazarushound]

The Official lazarushound Dean Winchester Playlist

Okay so this playlist is a big deal to literally no one except me but I spent like two hours explaining every single song on my dean playlist and I'll be damned if I don't share it with SOMEONE.

The playlist in question, which I update and add songs too fairly often(ish). It's roughly arranged in order of Dean's story, from pre-canon to the finale. A fair few of the songs are courtesy of catgirlhannibal, whom I adore.

Warning that is is a VERY LONG READ and almost definitely is plagued with typos. Without further ado, here is the 9.5k word explanation of every single song (at time of posting) on the playlist. Call that shit explicable Dean Winchester vibes, complete with my favourite lyrics from each song.

• Ramble On - Led Zeppelin

Dean's favourite song! The whole song is basically about having no choice but to keep going, even when things are tough. It's also actually about LOTR which is funny cause Dean's secretly a nerd lol. But yeah, it reflects a lot on Dean's nature as a traveller and someone who never settles in one place for long. Sometimes I grow so tired but I know I've got one thing I've got to do - I ramble on.

• Travelling Riverside Blues - Led Zeppelin

Dean's other favourite song! Probably not a popular reading of this song but for me, it definitely has a level of queer coding. Asked sweet mama, let me be your kid, she said "you might get hurt if you don't keep it hid" is the most obvious example of it.

• Psalms 40:2 - The Mountain Goats

Very biblical song lol. It's a lot about small town America (as many TMG songs are) and shitty motels which resonates with Dean pretty heavily. Not to mention: He has raised me from the pit and set me high.

• Night Moves - Bob Segar

This one is literally in the show so naturally reminds me of him. But it's about a teenage romance which definitely makes me think of young Dean. I mean, come on: out in the backseat of my '60 Chevy when the man drives a '67 Chevy??

• Father - The Front Bottoms

A few songs on this playlist are pretty much only there for one or two lines. This is not one of them. I could write another essay about this song and how it relates to Dean, every fucking line. You were high school, and I was just more like real life, and you were okay as a girlfriend, but I was just more like his wife 😮‍💨

• Old Number Seven - The Devil Makes Three

This is another song I'm pretty convinced was written about Dean. Once played it on guitar and my dad asked if it was about him so that's all the validation I needed. Angels start to look good to me, they're gonna have to deport me to the fiery deep.

• Mission - Alex G

This song to me is very much pre canon/season one Dean. It's all about following orders and being a good soldier, much like Dean's devotion to his father. I was trained to stick to the mission, I was trained, I kept it on track. To me, Mission has a slightly bitter tone, as though the narrator is resentful that they've followed orders so obediently and only suffered as a result.

• Adam Raised a Cain - Bruce Springsteen

Courtesy of catgirlhannibal. What a surprise, another biblical song. Dean sees himself as nothing more than a soldier, violent and aggressive. He sees his father as a hero, despite the fact that he's an abusive bastard. Well, daddy worked his whole life for nothing but pain, now he walks these empty rooms looking for something to blame.

• Shoulders - Big Thief

Okay, I'd argue this song is more akin to Sam than Dean but fuck you, this is my playlist and I choose the music. And the blood of the man who killed my mother with his hands, it's in me, it's in me, in my veins is obviously related to Sam and Azazel but also to Dean and John, as though Dean comes to realise that he's just like his father.

• Celene - Gigi Perez

End of season two! This song is about losing a sibling and is very much the mindset I pictured Dean to be in after losing Sam for the first time. I'd also argue it's how Dean felt when Sam was at Stanford. The other day I thought of something funny, but no one would have laughed but you.

• Like Real People Do - Hozier

Why were you digging? What did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth? HELLOOO CASTIEL! Very season four Destiel, those boys will NOT kiss like real people do.

• It's Only Sex - Car Seat Headrest

Okay so post-resurrection Dean is VERRRRRY traumatised which makes it difficult for him to enjoy the things he used to love, including sex. This song is also about his struggle over his feelings for Cas: what happens if I don't like it? I like you.

• Not Allowed - TV Girl

Well, you may not like it but you better learn how cause it's your turn now! Very much following on from It's Only Sex, similar themes in this song but more relating to Dean's insistence on keeping up The Act and pretending he's the same man he was before Hell.

• Presumably Dead Arm - Sidney Gish

Second catgirlhannibal song to make the list. Just to start this off, this isn't the start of anything. To me, this whole song is Dean skirting around his feelings for Cas and trying to pretend they don't exist in hopes they go away eventually. They don't. Honey, you are nothing to me, (but alcohol and dopamine)/(I don't call people anything thought to be so sweet).

• Tangled in Ropes - Holy Locust

I literally wrote a whole essay about this one so I'll keep it short with just the best lyric. Had a laugh made of wax, house made of butter, how they melted that summer.

• Hate Yourself - TV Girl

If there's one thing we've learned about Dean Winchester, it's that the man loves to use sex as a means to avoid his problems. How long will it take? Before you start to hate yourself and go straight into the arms of someone else is just straight up Dean struggling to give himself time to grieve and overcome his trauma. He'd rather just hookup with someone else and pretend it doesn't make him hate himself more and more every time.

• Cherry Wine - Hozier

See: my whole essay about this song and Destiel. And it's worth it, it's divine, I have this some of the time.

• Body to Flame - Lucy Dacus

Another catgirlhannibal song! I see you holding your breath with your arms outstretched, waiting for someone to come rip open your chest. This song to me feels like Dean kicking himself for every trusting Cas, after Cas betrays him for the first time. To accept Cas as his family was going against his every instinct to close himself off from outsiders, and Cas just proved him right by betraying him.

• Motion Sickness - Phoebe Bridges

Okay this one is basically just for I hate you for what you did, and I miss you like a little kid lol. It just perfectly encapsulates Dean, bitter and resentful towards Cas whilst simultaneously missing him so much his heart aches.

• I'm Your Man - Mitski

Oh, woof. Continuing the betrayal arc, this song is all about Dean's guilt. It's his fault Cas fell from Heaven, his fault this angel isn't holy anymore. I'm sorry I'm the one you love, no one will ever love me like you again.

• Not Strong Enough - Boygenius

Where do I start? Always an angel, never a god 😮‍💨 I think if you played this song to Dean it would break him a little bit. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM!!!

• Legit Tattoo Gun - The Front Bottoms

I was aware of this song but catgirlhannibal brought to my attention that it's Destiel coded 🧐 Who did I think I was? Who did I think that I could be? Oh, how dare me. Dean just kicking himself for ever thinking he could allow himself to have something with Cas.

• SHALLOW (PPL SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER) - Saya Gray

Okay, this one is a bit of a "hear me out." I'm seeing Mother Mary, she says I'm closer to Hell than the clouds are to Heaven. Dean's mother is called Mary so she's LITERALLY Mother Mary which scratches my brain very nicely. Obviously Dean sees himself as a sinner and doomed for Hell, despite the fact that he's a hero. And I left my enemies, cause nobody hates myself more than me, GOOD LORD DOES THAT MAN LOVE SOME SELF LOATHING. My mother's evil and the angels too is soooooo self explanatory. Dean has an idealistic version of Mary in his head which is challenged when she comes back to life and he interacts with her as an adult. There's also the fact that real angels aren't as "good" as you'd think. Sometimes I don't think I'm cherished enough.

• John Wayne Gacy, Jr. - Sufjan Stevens

This song is an allegory for being gay. The narrator sees himself as evil, just as bad as the serial killer for which the song is named, just because he's gay. And in my best behaviour, I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.

• Always - Panic! At the Disco

Another one that is less obvious without me explaining it lol. The light in this song is a reference to the Great Gatsby which is a whole other queer coded story in its own right. But I always (hehe) picture this song as Dean struggling with Cas' feelings for him which are becoming more and more evident. It was always you falling for me particularly stands out to me, along with you are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card.

• Star Tripping - Kevin Atwater

Okay I looooooove love this song. But it's another song which relates to God and being queer. It's about a very toxic relationship, in which one person is relatively okay with their sexuality and the other is incredibly repressed (seem familiar?). I could use any lyric from this song but I'll go with: you think He made you wrong, I think you're giving Him way too much credit, crying at the party, know it only bothers you if you let it, later you can kiss me, blame it on the stuff you took to forget it.

• The Calendar - Panic! At The Disco

Another Panic! song 💀 also from vices and virtues. Another "hear me out." There's the more obvious I will come back to life but only for you but I also think the rest of the song relates pretty strongly to Destiel. You said if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat you away, I'd rather be a cannibal baby, animals like me don't talk anyway. For me, it strongly resembles Dean's view of himself, an attack dog. Cannibalism as a metaphor for love. And obviously that man loves to repress stuff and let it eat him away, so to speak.

• Lacy - Olivia Rodrigo

Lawd. This song has a lot of queer subtext in and of itself. It's all about adoring someone to the point where you become insecure because you know you'll never be as good as them. The song is bitter and resentful whilst simultaneously loving and adoring. I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you, yeah I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you. He hates himself because he loves Cas. HE HATES HIMSELF BECAUSE HE LOVES CAS.

• Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Dean does not let himself have nice things. Lord knows, it would be the first time. This song feels pretty self explanatory to me lol.

• Feeling Oblivion - Turin Brakes

Okay this is my favourite song of all time so I'm slightly biased for including it HOWEVER. I feel it also applies to Dean pretty well. We're now at the point in the story where Dean is about to/has already lost Cas. This song invokes an incredibly deep feeling of nostalgia for me, like looking back on when things were better. Now it is night time, maybe we're cruising avoiding the anti-cruise, like tell me this isn't Dean and Cas just driving around Kansas cause Dean can't sleep 😭 and don't even get me fucking started on so don't leave me here on my own, by the time fear takes me over, will we still be rolling? Feeling oblivion cause this song makes me cry every time I hear it I stg.

• Who We Are - Hozier

Poor Dean :( bro has just lost his best friend, and is now realising that he'll never be able to tell him how he felt. It's like he's seeing things plainly for the first time, realising what he's been missing. He never had Cas because they spent so long avoiding their relationship, and now it's too late. You only feel it when it's lost, getting through still has its cost, quietly, it slips through your fingers, love, falling from you drop by drop.

• Crack Baby - Mitski

I don't know if I really need to say more than: crack baby, you don't know what you want, but you know that you had it once, and you know that you want it back.

• Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

This is another song that's in the show (dark side of the moon, I love you) so naturally reminds me of Dean. It might be a bit on the nose putting it right at the end but it just feels like Dean finally letting himself rest (die of tetanus). Mama, put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore.

[yesimwriting]

directors cut sort of?

if final girl was a tv show and you had to pick a song for the opening theme song what would it be?

i’m genuinely very curious if you think there’s a song out there that really wraps not just the readers, billy’s, and stu’s dynamic together but also the vibe of the series

or if you have songs that you think represent characters individually?

anyway would loooove to know what your talented self listens to 💕

i got the notfiication for this and IMMEDIATELY stopped doing homework,, a lot of my writing inspo/motivation comes from music so i have a lot of thoughts

okay i have to preface this by saying that i am unfortunately not a cool, original indie music girly, i would LOVE to be, but i'm aware that it's not true to who i am at the moment 😭

as far as theme song, i think it's hard to nail one that i think is perfect bc i want the traditional slasher vibes and the heart of the story to be captured so i have 5 choices (that i can defend i promise 😭):

Verse 3 of I Know the End, Phoebe Bridgers - ik this song got tiktok-ified but i loved it before that 😭 i think these lyrics and the overall production provide both the kind of ominous urgency of a life and death situation situation while still packing a gut punch that doesn't seem to have a definite source, like when you hear that verse you know there's something tragic going on and you know you're hurt over it, but you can't figure out why

Verse 1 and Chorus of Ballad of a Homeschooled Girl, Olivia Rodrigo - that entire song is just so Y/n and I think the production is kind of "active"/energetic(?) enough to encompass more of the theme

Refrain 1 and (mainly) Pre-chorus of Happiness is a Butterfly, Lana Del Rey - a DRASTIC change in direction ik, and it might seem too soft, but the "if he's a serial killer then what's the worst..." verse is too literal, too good for me to not at least mention as an option,, like it's too real

First verse (or maybe the bridge) of The Love Club, Lorde - I'm on the fence about this one bc the cheerful/more pop sound doesn't fully fit the way I see the final girl fic aesthetic/vibe, but I love Lorde so it got some extra points lol. I think pairing this "clique" that should be a good with the bloody/violent visuals created by the lyrics has potential for a final girl vibe though, especially the first verse.

The Chorus of Nymphology by Melanie Martinez - this one shifts the framing a little but it’s great at summarizing what it’s like to be manic pixie dream girl-ified and implies something bad happening/being forced onto said manic pixie dream girl, so i think it works a little

So music that reminds me of the individual characters are different than what i think they'd listen to, that's a very important clarification!

This is a little less concrete to me, I've mentioned it before that Billy reminds me of Mastermind by Taylor Swift, he also reminds me of Writer in the Dark by Lorde (“I am my mother’s child, i love you till my breathing stops, i love you till you call the cops on me” is PERFECT for him idc)

i feel very strongly that Stu is Mirrorball (by Taylor Swift),, like he premeditates his actions based on getting attention (good or bad) and would literally kill someone before letting anyone find out

i wanted to give Y/n a taylor swift song so that it'd all match up, but i think it's so much more fitting to make her the odd one out in the trio and say that she's in her Olivia Rodrigo Era, she reminds me so much of Guts, she reminds me of Ballad of a Homeschool Girl (which is why it's one of the theme songs lol), and she will be relating to Making the Bed and vampire before the story ends 😭

omg if any of you have any thoughts on songs that would work as a final girl theme song or songs that remind you of the characters individually pls let me know!!

[auseyre]

Twelve Thoughts About Laws of Attraction

 

These people brutally and bloodily killed a kid and a dog in the first 3 episodes...damn! And look, I love a hot, service top bodyguard and his bratty misunderstood charge story as much as the next person but Tan? Had a dog killed so, he’s not getting that much sympathy from me here. 

Maya and Rose are so hot I want to cry. The very specific vibes they are giving, Maya -Pink and Rose -Gemma Atherton in St Trinians, push all my buttons. Sorry Charn and Tinn but every time they are on the screen my brain melts and I don’t know what else is happening. 

Charn needs to be on Game of Thrones, House of Cards, or Succession(I have watched none of these shows but I assume he would fit right in)something fitting his wicked grin and scheming soul. Like the show tells me he was a sweet and naïve do-gooder until the big bad thing happened, but that was clearly his good twin who died in the woods. His mother might be ashamed but Jimmy Ford would buy him an ice cream. (Found out his nickname is Chaos Gremlin and I can’t think of anything more suitable than that.)

The shirt game in this series is fire.

Also fire? The chemistry. 4A fire. Like I get now why people are obsessed with acting pairs(I hate the toxicity involved but I get the love). It’s like fanfic. I would watch these two as a couple in a 100 different a/u stories as long as Rose and Maya (and Nawin) were along for the ride.  

Between this and The Sign, I realized that every story needs a grandmother(or more than one) to tell these characters to get their ish together. KP desperately needed a grandmother. 

Pretty predictable plot (elevated way, way up by the performances) and toooooo many flashbacks. Seriously, please stop with the flashbacks, especially since they are mostly Charn’s dead mother or Tinn’s dead niece. Be more depressing, I dare you.  (I would pay good money to see Nawin meeting completely feral Charn for the first time and falling head over heels though --that’s  the flashback we need folks)

Rich kids with crappy parents need to learn how to hustle and embezzle money from them so they can get gone. Seriously, just buy a ton of jewelry and designer clothes and resell it all. Will they even notice? I’m guessing not. 

Look, I know the Senator is evil like the fru -ets of the devil but he reminds me of a young Temuera Morrison, so he’s also kind of hot? 

 I just really want a KP/LOA crossover where Charn and Vegas have a wardrobe and smirk off competition and Nawin brings all the violent himbo energy to visit the Threepanyakuls -- especially Tankhun. 

The goons did not sign up for all this relationship drama.

Okay, but I need a new Leverage international team with Charn, Rose, Maya, Tin, Thee, and Nawin. 

Bonus -genuine kudos to them for not going the “Charn is a completely redeemed angel now ” route and for not making that something that was required for Charn and Tin to work as a couple. Tin fell in love with chaos gremlin Charn, not the one he was before. 

[kevinsreviewcatalogue]

Review: FredHeads: The Documentary (2022)

FredHeads: The Documentary (2022)

Not rated

Score: 3 out of 5

<Originally posted at https://kevinsreviewcatalogue.blogspot.com/2023/01/review-fredheads-documentary-2022.html>

FredHeads: The Documentary is precisely that: a documentary about the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, and more specifically their fans, and how they credit the series with changing their lives. It is an extremely scattershot documentary that, in my honest opinion, ran about thirty minutes too long, as though its directors Paige Troxell and Kim Gunzinger wanted to cram as many of the fan-submitted videos they solicited into the movie as possible even if it meant a runtime of over two hours. The result is a movie that very much feels like it was made for fans, by fans, for better and for worse. While watching so many people discussing their love of the series was interesting as somebody who also loves the Nightmare series, eventually it just started to feel like the movie was rambling, like a group of friends shooting the shit at one guy's place where you're having fun but eventually you wanna do something different. There were some segments that I would've easily kept, like the guy who does a highly detailed Freddy Krueger cosplay for conventions, or the father who said that he'd rather show his young daughter horror movies where the final girl triumphs over the villain through her own grit and gumption versus Disney movies where Prince Charming does the hard work of saving her. Others, however, got repetitive, and there was one particularly weird one featuring a young lady who was frankly obsessed with Nancy Thompson in ways that gave me Annie Wilkes vibes.

It's when the film is narrowing its focus to Troxell and Gunzinger themselves, as well as their friends Anthony Brownlee, Jeremy Todd Moorehead, and Diandra Lazor, as they sit down for just that -- a roundtable discussion of the series and what it means to them -- that the film actually starts to pick up, especially towards the back half where they became the main focus. They all have interesting, and sometimes dark, stories to tell about the movies, whether they were sneaking off to watch violent horror movies that their mothers desperately tried to keep them away from (but their fathers weren't so concerned!), using the movies as an escape from bullying, or deciding not to go through with a suicide attempt because that's not what her hero, the all-time GOAT final girl Nancy Thompson, would have done. It's these stories that stuck with me, stories about how horror fandom, despite being built around movies that haven't gotten much respect until very recently, can have an uplifting effect on people going through rough spots in their lives. The movie that had that impact on me wasn't Nightmare but Carrie, the one piece of media that convinced me to cave and buy a damn Funko Pop! figurine (hey, when you're being mercilessly bullied in middle school, it's hard not to connect with a girl who uses freaky mind powers to get revenge on her bullies), but I still saw a lot of myself in the people profiled in this movie. When it got rolling towards the end, I was reminded why I love horror movies and why I'm proud to do so.

The Bottom Line

If you're not much of a horror fan already, there's probably not a lot in this movie that will hold your attention. That said, if you are, then there's a lot here that you'll enjoy. It's not really about Nightmare so much as it is about horror fandom in general, and there's a lot of material that I think would've been better saved for special features on the DVD, but overall, this film, while unwieldy, has its charms.

[jjackrabbitt]

That Damned AU

Hey guys (gn), I know you’ve heard me talk about this before, but I’ve actually been working on it now, so here’s part of it. It’s called That Damned AU because it’s been waking me up in the middle of the night to think about it for the last two years, so it’s just me damning it. I will probably change the name at some point. If you have any suggestions, I will gladly consider them. Basically, That Damned AU follows the events of the canonical story line of MPHFPC, but I’ve changed some things around, messed with some details, and added a few things. Mostly to fix or add to things that I have complaints about or wanted to hear more of. I will be tagging it as That Damned AU in case you want to block it

Before we begin I would like to thank @finn-nito for letting me talk his ear off about all this and in turn talking my ear off. It’s been a lot of fun doing this with you and getting to know you.

Now for the damned thing:

Ricky actually goes into the house with Jacob when Abe doesn’t immediately answer. Probably makes dumb comments about the decor or some thing. Goes back to his car for the gun when they see the screen door. Tells Jacob to stay there. Rushes back when he hears Jacob yell for Abe when the flashlight is found. Catches up to Jacob just on the edge of the woods and gives him shit for moving. Tries to lighten the mood and reassure Jacob, until they see the trail of blood. Is there with Jacob when he finds Abe. Ricky tries to keep Jacob from touching Abe because he thinks Abe is already dead. Both of them handle the situation Extremely Badly. We actually hear Abe call Jacob “little tiger” this time instead of just retconning it. Ricky alternates between trying to get enough signal to call the police and crouching with Jacob to try and help him. Abe’s riddle is delivered the same as before and Jacob does see the hallowghast. Ricky tries to shoot it but can’t because he doesn’t even know it’s there. When Jacob sees it he does grab onto Ricky and start shaking him with one hand, still holding onto Abe with the other.

Both boys have to be questioned, together and separately. Jacob sees Ricky’s interview because he gets a chance to snoop through the policeman's notes. He gets mad that Ricky wouldn’t admit to seeing the hallow and Ricky gets defensive about it. They don’t stop talking though because they mutually think the other is having a stress reaction and is seeing things/is erasing things from their own memories.

Jacobs parents didn’t really like Ricky before and they really don’t like him now because they think having him around will remind Jacob of finding Abe, but Jacob almost seems less stressed when Ricky’s around so they’ll allow it.

They don’t necessarily see each other more, but their interactions are way more emotionally charged now.

Ricky does start carrying his gun more because while he didn’t see the hallow, that was a scary night and he did hear something. He brings it into Jacobs house several times without Jacobs parents knowledge. This is a point of contention between Ricky and Jacob because if Jacobs parents find out Ricky will not be allowed back and will be cut off.

Because Ricky is still very much attached to Jacob when he starts seeing Dr. Golan this time, Ricky is in more danger of wights.

Dr. Golan hears a lot about Ricky. Probably significantly more than he wants to.

Ricky doesn’t get the medical attention that Jacob does because he’s poor and when Jacob knows Ricky’s having a problem he asks Dr. Golan for advice for Ricky.

Jacob is more resistant to Dr Golan’s work this time, because Ricky is there to call bullshit when he hears it and mentions that Jacob's meds are making him weird. Golan responds to this resistance by trying to convince Jacobs parents that Ricky is bad for Jacob. It does work but both of his parents are fairly shit at computers and they both have to sleep some time, so Jacob can still message Ricky and sneak out at night.

Ricky does appreciate when Jacob gets advice from Dr. Golan for him, but he does still give Jacob shit for therapizing him.

Both of them are being observed by wights at this point. Jacob gets a series of very weird food delivery guys and there’s like, three different cars that consistently follow Ricky. The food delivery guys aren’t outright weird, they just have the same ~*vibe*~ as Golan and some times they say strange shit. One of them knew his name without Jacob introducing himself.

The cars wouldn’t be weird if they weren’t definitely the same cars, didn’t only stop following Ricky when he A) was near his house or B) took random turns without signalling, and didn’t seem to follow any particular pattern to where he was seeing them. If they were in a similar area at similar times every day then okay, he just keeps seeing the same people on their way to work or whatever, but that’s not what’s happening.

Not much comes of it though. Jacob gets a few weird stomach aches, Ricky gets pulled over by a really strange cop once. Some one breaks into Ricky’s house while no one’s there and goes through stuff but doesn’t take anything or make a mess, the door’s open and a few things have moved when he gets home. You know, normal stuff.

Once, Jacobs parents go out of town. One of his mothers cousins is getting married, and they just aren’t sure that Jacob’s ready for travel and relatives and a party and everything. They don’t want to leave him for the weekend, but they both agree that he’s been doing really well lately (and it’s been months. They want to get out of the house and do Normal People Things). They tell Dr. Golan that Jacob’s going to be alone for the weekend and tell Jacob to go across the street to their neighbour for help if anything happens and they give the neighbour Dr. Golan’s number.

Roughly ten minutes after they leave, Ricky shows up. The Crown Vic goes in the garage, Alien is turned on, Chinese food is ordered and the weekend commences.

They barely even watch the movie, they’re busy talking. They fall asleep on the couch and honestly? It’s the best sleep Jacob has in months.

Until it’s about 4 a.m. and Jacob wakes up violently because this time the scene in his dream changed. This time he and Abe are in Abaton. He doesn’t know it’s Abaton, of course, and though the events of the dream have change, this one feels worse some how. Now he’s missing his grandfather and this place that he doesn’t even know what it is. He feels weirdly protective of it.

Dr. Golan Really doesn’t like Ricky. It’s significantly harder to manipulate Jacob if Ricky’s there to call bullshit. It’s still pretty easy to get Jacob to go to Cairnholm though. Even Ricky doesn’t call him a quack over it. Only tells Jacob to send him a post card of the only place on earth that’s more of a nowhere than Englewood, Florida.

Jacob does have some apprehension over being separated from Ricky, but he figures it’ll be okay since there will be a phone at their hotel.

They do spend a lot little more together than usual in the weeks leading up to Cairnholm. It worries both of them that they’ll be more than a 20 minute drive from the other. Jacob’s more obvious about it, Ricky (poorly) pretends it won’t bother him that much.

Jacob does bring one of his dads less favoured cameras with him, to take pictures.

His dad does try to insist that Jacob spends some time with him to look at birds. It’s funny, they keep seeing this one peregrine hanging around. Some times she, Frank says it’s a she, flies over them. She doesn’t seem too interested in hunting. Some times she disappears for a little while, but she comes back most of the time, unless it’s later in the day.

Kev and Martin are dating. I know it says in the book that Kev has a wife but no he doesn’t ❤️. Kev and Martin are dating and in love and very little will convince me otherwise. Everyone on Cairnholm is completely chill with it. They have dinner with Martins uncle on Wednesdays. Kev tried to take Martin fishing once and it went terrible but it was fun.

Jacob meets Martin on the first day, at the Priest Hole. He’s done at the museum for the day and is getting a drink with his sister and working on his poetry. He and his sister are harassing Kev while he’s on the job. They meet because Martins sister, Amelia, sees Frank and Jacob lugging more than they can carry up the stairs and makes Martin come with her to help.

Amelia is one of the very, very few ocs you’ll see in here, I’m not here to add a bunch of people. She’s here because I don’t want Martin to be lonely, as a plot device to make things move forward, and because I think we  should have more women. Yes MPHFPC already has a good amount of active women characters, yes I want more.

They start talking because both Martin and Amelia are huge nerds who would be excited about bird watching. When Martin mentions the museum, Jacob gets interested, as before he thinks it will help him unravel his grandfathers riddle. That’s it for now, but I will try to update again soon, though it probably won’t be as long. if any of you have any ideas or opinions to add, I’d love to hear them!

[imhereformr]

Hi, I read the other promp and I love it. So I have a one for when you have time. 27 Rivusa.

27: Help me I’m being hit on at a bar. Please be my fake boyfriend for a second.

The whiskey burned in the best possible way. It filled her throat with a sensation that replaced the pain in her heart and took her mind off the fact that she’d just had a bomb dropped on her. Her father had called her an hour ago and told her that her mother was dying. She had two months according to the doctors. Musa had three months left to the semester, and her mother had refused to let her drop the semester to come home. Musa hated that she’d chosen a university on the other side of the fucking country. Freedom from her parents would be nice, she’d thought. What a moron she’d been. 

She downed her drink and requested another from the bartender. She would get completely trashed, get an UBER back to her apartment and stuff her face with all the junk food that Stella, her roommate, kept hidden in corners she thought Musa didn’t know about. Maybe if Stella wasn’t back from her date by then, Musa would let herself cry. For now, though, she just wanted to be numb.

“Hey gorgeous.”

Musa shot him a quick glance out of the corner of her eye – more out of reflex than genuine curiosity – and ignored him. She thanked the bartender for her drink and handed him the twenty she had folded up in her back pocket. Dumbass beside her was still there, watching her sip her drink with a sly grin that made Musa want to punch him.

“What’s-a-matter, don’t wanna talk?”

Clearly not, she thought bitterly. Why were men so damn stupid? “Not particularly” she answered blankly. The guy, no older than 23, had chin-length curly blonde hair and dark brown eyes. He was quite good looking: square jaw, broad shoulders, tall. It was a shame he was so obnoxious. Though, maybe she shouldn’t be surprised; the frat jacket should have given that away.

“I won’t bite” he smirked, “unless you’re into that.”

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. He introduced himself as Tyler, and Musa had to resist the urge to tell him she didn’t care what his fucking name was. She had no idea what Tyler was like; he could be a violent nightmare or a rapist, and she’d had a bad enough night. She didn’t want to take her chances with possibly being murdered.  

“I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.” She flashed him her sweetest smile – play nice and maybe his ego won’t be too bruised, and he won’t threaten you. That was how it went, right?

“Oh, come on, baby. I can guarantee you’ll have a great time.”

Gross. Thirty seconds of you sweating on me and panting in my ear isn’t my idea of a great time.  

She met his eyes, and he was still giving her that smug look. She’d thought it, not said it. Thank God. Stella was right; her snark would get her killed one day. Maybe by Tyler.  

“Please don’t call me that.”

“Okay, sweetheart.”

“Not that either.” She sipped her whiskey again. She could feel him in her space, closing in on her. With every passing second, it felt like he edged closer and closer. Her fingers tapped on the glass in a mix of nerves and irritation. The bar was crowded, but no one seemed to notice or care that she was being harassed by some dumb ass frat bro. She should’ve gone to the fancy cocktail club on the next block up instead of the university bar. Sticking out in torn jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers was better than dealing with fuckface next to her.  

“Well, why don’t you tell me what to call you then?”  

He was next to her ear. She could smell the beer on his breath and feel the heat of his breath her cheek. Did the boy not know boundaries? Had his parents never told him not to get in peoples’ personal bubbles?  

Ugh. And running his hand along her back.  

Her back arched away from his touch, but that just seemed to please him more. His eyes fell to her chest – completely covered by her shirt, mind you – and remained there for far too long for it to be him reading the lettering on her shirt.  

“I have a boyfriend.”  

“Do you now?” he taunted, finally taking a step away from her. He watched her with that smirk still plastered on his face. She wanted to break the glass over his head.  

“Mhm” she remained tight-lipped. Her grip on the glass so strong that she was sure it would break in her hand. Better her hand than his head, she thought. At least with herself, she didn’t risk getting murdered. And, hey, maybe it would manage to distract her from her dying mother for a few moments.

“And he left you alone?”

“He should be here soon” she lied.

Why? Why had she said that?

“I’ll wait with you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t mind.”

Minutes past slowly. She finished her drink and considered leaving, but then Tyler might follow her. Musa’s eyes scanned the bar and, as if he’d been sent by the heavens, recognised a guy from one of her classes exiting the bathroom. She didn’t know him, just that he had a bad boy vibe going on that, though she’d never admit it, was quite sexy, and that he never seemed to smile or participate in class whenever he deemed them worth his time. Still, he didn’t give her creepy stalker or pervert vibes, so he’d do.  

She pushed herself off the bar stool and approached him, praying that she didn’t look to nervous. She could feel Tyler’s eyes burning a hole into her back. Her eyes locked with her classmate’s and she was taken aback by the striking violet of them. She’d never noticed them before – never really had a chance to look either since he always sat at the back of the lecture hall and was out the door the minute class ended.  

“Hi?”

“Hi, listen” Musa rambled. “I know we don’t really know each other bu-”

“You’re in Dufour’s class with me, right?”

“Yeah. I need you to be my boyfriend for a minute. There’s this creep at the bar, the one with curly blond hair, that won’t leave me alone and you’re the only person I recognize here.”

“Uh, okay.” Riven stepped closer to her rather awkwardly. It dawned on her that he towered over her and was easily twice her size. Hopefully this wasn’t a mistake because he could probably take her down without even breaking a sweat. Riven’s eyes left hers, peering over her head at the bar behind her. “Jesus, he’s full-on staring at us.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake” Musa groaned, running her hand over her cheek. If Tyler was staring, that meant he still didn’t believe her. She knew what would sell it, and she hated Tyler for having to push her to this. “Ca-”

“You want me to beat him up?”

“As tempting as that sounds” Musa laughed, “maybe just kiss me? You know, sell the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing.”

“Right, yeah” Riven mumbled.  

“Make it look natural though. Like it’s something you do all the time.”

“I know how to kiss someone, Musa.” She was surprised he knew her name. Riven moved closer into her space and, much to her surprise, Musa didn’t mind it. He radiated a ridiculous amount of body heat, but she liked it. It reminded her of the days she’d spend on the beach back home, enjoying the heat of the sun. Riven’s hand cupped her chin, tilting her head up towards his and running his thumb over her lower lip.  

She could feel her heart pounding in her chest as he dipped his head down to hers. What the fuck was up with that? She’d kissed plenty of people and never had that feeling before. Riven’s lips met hers and holy fuck. She closed her eyes instinctively and tried to ignore the sparks that had erupted in her stomach until she couldn’t anymore. Her hands landed on his chest and slid up to circle his neck and run through his hair. She felt his hand leave her chin and drop to her waist, wrapping around it and pulling her in tighter.  

When they finally separated, they were both breathing heavily. His face stopped inches from hers and Musa was surprised to find she was on her tip toes. His eyes bore into hers and Musa couldn’t seem to look away; his eyes were so damn hypnotizing. She lost herself in them until something clicked in her and she remembered why she’d been kissing him in the first place. “Is creep at the bar still watching?”

Riven’s eyes left hers and she sort of wanted them back. He confirmed that Tyler was no longer watching them or at the bar, so Musa pushed herself away from him. Cold rushed through her and she longed for the warmth his body had provided. What the fuck. “Great, thanks. I’ll, uh, see you around.”

Musa began to turn, planning on leaving the bar. She’d go to the store, buy a cheap bottle of something and get trashed at home instead. Riven’s hand grabbed her shoulder before she could turn the whole way. “Creep is by the door,” he told her.

“Seriously?” Musa groaned, turning to look. Sure enough, there was the curly, blond-haired boy, standing less than five feet from the entrance. “Guess I’m not leaving.”

“You can hang out with me and my friends. If he’s still here when you want to leave, we’ll take you home.”  

Musa followed him to a table where Riven introduced her to his friends and explained how it had come to be that Musa was joining them. It turned out that she already knew one of Riven’s friends and she found herself easily integrating into the group. They even managed to take her mind off her dying mother. Musa could happily spend the whole night hanging out with them. Riven was much nicer than she’d anticipated – in a confusing sweet jerk kind of way. He surprisingly funny too and very hot, and if she just happened to take him home that night, would that be such a bad thing?

[ruzek-halstead]

story to tell

"running is supposed to be good for your health except i seem to have sprained my ankle and i took you out with me i’m so sorry"

runner julie/innocent bystander luke 

masterlist || ao3

-

Julie doesn't run.

She can go to the gym, no problem.

Lift some weights? Hell yes. Mess around on the machines? You got it.

But cardio?

She would genuinely rather be beaten to death with a yoga ball.

But alas, there she was, dressed in black leggings, a matching sports bra and windbreaker. Her best friend Flynn had somehow convinced her to run a ten kilometre marathon for charity (guilted her, was more like it), so she had no choice but to force herself to get into shape and not embarrass herself on the day of the run.

Today happened to be a particularly ugly day. It had rained the majority of the night, and the morning was dark, cloudy and windy. Julie's favourite weather. So, if she was going to run, she would do it while she was in a good mood.

She was only in a good mood for about ten minutes after she started her run. It had literally only been ten minutes and she was out of breath and about to call an uber to pick her up off the side of the curb.

That is, until she found herself sprawled across the pavement and cursing in pain.

"Oh — fuck!"

"Mother of —"

And because Julie had the best of lucky of anyone she had ever met, not only did she wipe out on the pavement, she also managed to take down a completely innocent bystander too.

All she could feel was searing pain coming from her right ankle. Her adrenaline was still high and she couldn’t feel any of the additional scrapes on her body. She could, however, feel the hard and lean body underneath her considering she was sprawled half over it.

"What the fuck?" She heard a deep voice mumble.

Julie attempted to maneuver herself off the stranger, squeaking when she placed pressure on her ankle. “Exercise, they said,” she muttered angrily, pushing her hands down on the stranger’s chest to propel herself up. The stranger grunted, but she ignored it. “It's healthy, they said. Healthy my ass.”

Julie dragged herself across the pavement, detaching herself from the body she collided with. She was finally able to get a good look. The stranger was tall (she could tell because he was lying flat on his back against the pavement), he was also incredibly muscular and Julie was amazed she was able to knock him down. She forcefully pushed up on her knees, ignoring the searing pain, and peeked at his facial features. His hazel eyes were opened wide, and his mouth was still muttering profanities.

He was easily the most beautiful man she had ever seen in her life.

And she had just knocked him to the ground. She literally just opened herself up to a lawsuit. But he was so mesmerizing, she couldn’t even focus on that.

“Shit — are you okay?” Julie asked in a hoarse voice. "Oh my god, I think you’re bleeding. Fuck.”

Her statement seemed to grab his attention as he followed her eye line to his chest, where there were little splatters of blood. He wasted no time in sitting up and lifting up his shirt (with cut off sleeves) to inspect his (amazingly) sculpted abs.

If Julie wasn’t lightheaded and faint from her fall, she sure as hell was now.

She was too focused on his abs to notice there were no actual lacerations to cause the blood. He tugged his shirt back down and sent her an apprehensive look. “I don’t think this blood is mine.”

This time, Julie followed his eyes to her hands, where she flipped them over to reveal her bloody palms. She must have injured them when she hit the ground, attempting to stabilize herself over the stranger (the absolutely gorgeous stranger). And she must have gotten it all over his shirt when she used him to upright herself.

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” she apologized, her shoulders sagging in defeat. She was generally a clumsy person, but she usually only injured herself; it was very rare she took someone down with her. “I was just trying to train for this marathon, but clearly I suck at running and I’m ninety-seven percent sure I’ve broken my ankle,” she rushed out all in one breath; her hazel-eyed stranger was staring at her with bewildered eyes. “Which I guess is karma, but fuck, this shit hurts.”

Her stranger frowned, casting a look behind Julie to her ankle. She was still positioned uncomfortably on her knees, and she was pleasantly surprised when he stood up, dusted himself off and offered her a hand.

“No, it’s okay,” Julie shrugged him off, dramatically gesturing to herself. “I deserve this. Just let me sit here and wallow in pain.”

Initially, he looked confused, but his expression morphed into amusement as he held his hand out even further. He raised an eyebrow, as if daring her to refuse again.

Meekly, she took his hand and allowed him to haul her up, placing most of her weight on her left foot.

“You really want to help me?” Julie mumbled, as he pulled her along the sidewalk. She had no idea where he was leading her but she was too busy rambling to care. “I basically just assaulted you. Oh god, please don’t sue me; I’m still paying off my student loans!”

He chuckled and said, “I’m not going to sue you. At least, not yet.”

“That isn’t funny,” she retorted, “I literally have nothing offer you.”

For the first time since they’d started walking (re: hobbling in Julie's condition), they finally stopped. He had brought her over to a jeep parked on the street; she wondered if it was his.

Oh no, is this where she gets kidnapped by the handsome stranger? Is this like a Ted Bundy type situation?

Julie didn’t get much more time to ponder her gorgeous stranger’s serial killer capabilities, because he turned to her with a mind-blowing smirk that had all logic vanishing from her brain.

“I'm sure we can work something out.”

Julie paused, begging her brain to begin functioning again. “I’m going to be honest. You’re giving off some serial killer vibes right now.”

His smirk dropped and he frowned. “What? I’m not a serial killer. Why would you say that?”

“I don’t really know,” she blurted, “I think my brain is short-circuiting because you’re really attractive and I am in so much pain, and I don’t really know what I’m doing right now.”

“Let’s start over,” he shook his head with a hint of an amused smile on his lips. “My name is Luke, you ran me over a few minutes ago. Remember that?”

Julie frowned, but she was secretly delighted at his ability to be sarcastic, even in the most inappropriate of times. “Yes, I remember that. I have a current reminder that won’t let me forget about that,” she motioned to her bum ankle. It was swollen and purple and it just looked overall disgusting; definitely not meet cute material.

“Here’s a little about me,” Luke started and Julie furrowed her eyebrows; this conversation was getting away from her. And her ankle hurt so damn bad. “I happen to like aggressive women. Maybe not to the point where they’re physically violent, but I think I can work with it.”

Julie stared at him, dumbfounded.

“I’m sorry, what?”

He seemed to ignore her. “I should probably get you to the hospital to check out that ankle,” he replied, opening the passenger door to his jeep. “I’m assuming you’ll want to be pain-free for our date.”

Julie allowed him to grab her hand and help her into his truck. “I’m sorry, what?”

Luke dropped his right eyelid in a wink. “Sorry, was I not clear enough?"

“I literally just attacked you on the sidewalk. What the hell is going on?”

“Do you want to tell me your name yet?” He asked as he swung around to the driver’s seat.

Julie's jaw was still hanging open. “My name is Julie but I’m still s—”

“Julie,” he turned to her with genuine, bright hazel eyes. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

The brunette sputtered, attempting not to choke on her own spit. “Is this seriously happening right now?”

“Yes.”

“I'm not hallucinating, or I don’t have a concussion?”

“I don’t think you hit your head. Unless you’re on some sort of drugs I don’t know about?”

“You seriously want to go out with the crazy girl who took you down on the street?”

Luke shot her a fond smile. “It’ll be one hell of a story to tell.”

As if she wasn’t convinced from the first second she collided with him, she grinned and replied, “hell yes, I'll go out with you."

[givemeonebreath]

A big, messy Linked Universe playlist

Link for Links

Heavy on the angst, because of who I am as a person. (At the same time, don’t take it too seriously, man.)

Influenced by canon, manga (TP Link is really Going Through It™ ), my personal perceptions, and popular fandom canon.

A pretty wide variety of genres, with a bias towards metal and prog rock.

I kept snippets of lyrics for most songs, also because of who I am as a person. (Some were particularly hard to narrow down to just one verse or chorus.) Those - and a little more rambling - are under the cut if you really want, in the order of the playlist. But. It’s long.

I didn’t initially make this with the intent to share, but hey. Throughout my past year+ of listening, I’ve been haphazardly adding songs to a playlist I very creatively named Links. If something reminded me of them, whether through the music or lyrics or both, I threw it on the playlist, so some songs might seem odd or vague. Some are really on the nose, as subtle as a sledgehammer. (Sky for Sky? Dude. Sorry.) Some are there because of a fitting line or two that stuck in my head. Ultimately, music - like any form of creative expression - can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. 

My listening habits and tastes are erratic, which is why this is one big, jumbled playlist and not separated for different Links. Not to mention if I did that, some (Wild, Legend) would have a lot and some (Wind, Four) would have none, both because of my own familiarity with them, and because of the general themes of the music I tend to listen to. Most songs are a general ‘hero’s spirit reborn’ mood, anyway - those are the first part of the playlist. The second half is more nuanced to specific Links, plus a few Ganon vibes.

1. Deep Purple - April (Koji Kondo, composer of the original Legend of Zelda theme, was into Deep Purple as a kid, and it shows.)

2. Kamelot - Regalis Apertura

3. Au4 - So Just Hang On, Beautiful One (I’ve posted this here before. I can’t hear it without thinking of LU now.) So I slipped in through the gate almost unknown. All my border stamps were late. Seven days old. Cold hand griped my shoulder blade, broke the bone. Bloody nose and turned away, all the way home.

4. FC Kahuna - Hayling Don’t think about all those things you fear, just be glad to be here

5. Glass Animals - Youth Boy, when I left you you were young I was gone, but not my love You were clearly meant for more Than a life lost in the war

6. Pain of Salvation - Restless Boy A restless boy in a world too slow A flame born into cinder, ash, and glow I've given everything I gave it all Yet find myself alone

7. Haken - The Endless Knot Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line our cycle starts to fail. Our design shifted frame by frame! Across the line we die to live again.   We need a story to believe in. We need a hero to prevail. We need a challenge we can overcome, it takes a tragedy to make us one 

8. Kamelot - Memento Mori (I particularly associate this with Time and Twilight) I am the god in my own history The master of the game I may believe if she would come to me And whisper out my name Sometimes I wonder where the wind has gone If life has ever been Sometimes I wonder how belief alone Can cut me free from sin

9. Katatonia - Fighters Look I told you so We never stop If we said that We'll back it up For sure You know We're fighters

10. Megadeth - This Day We Fight! (I mean, all Links, but particularly Warriors) For this I was chosen, because I fear nothing With confidence I tread through the dead of the night Off to another war-torn, faraway battlefield Wherein lies a demonic enemy horde

11. Moon Tooth - Igneous Well, the spirit took me And this old broken body leapt up and danced Settin’ out Settin' out with all my heroes in a bundle at my back Hawk am I More wings span in my shadow than overcast Yeah, you know what they say Always need something to look up to, ha

12. Samael - Moongate Destiny, tomorrow is today Destiny, without boundaries How many nights will we spend together traveling infinity back and forth and again How many times will we go together questioning eternity about us about our wonders...

13. TOOL- Parabola This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

14. Lunatic Soul - Blood on the Tightrope No matter how hard you try To shut down your feverish thoughts They hunt you down with no regret Cause you have to fix it all

15. Hybrid - Keep It In The Family

16. Soul Savers - Unbalanced Pieces Gone, now carry on Through violent seasons I call you mother, mother, mother In vain, absent chain The twilight's bleeding And the playing board has two unbalanced pieces

17. Steve Von Till - Valley of the Moon All she gives is a stone facade Like ill-given flowers at a dead man's wake Here we slave for the dreams of another And fight over scraps like wayward dogs

18. Ludovico Einaudi - Experience

19. Lunatic Soul - Summoning Dance Three stones on the right side Three stones on the left My vicious circle of life and death   “Oh you want it” I hear it again “Oh you want it” My burden Curse to break

20. Lunatic Soul - Through Shaded Woods Run through your shaded woods Run through your shaded mind Run through the night Run away Run through the darkness Run

21. Lunatic Soul - Naavie

22. David Bowie - Nature Boy There was a boy A very strange, enchanted boy They say he wandered very far Very far, over land and sea A little shy and sad of eye But very wise was he

23. The Dandy Warhols - Sleep Well, I could sleep forever But it's of her I dream If I could sleep forever I could forget about everything 

24. Au4 - Everyone is Everyone (and Everything is Everything) Tripping and tumbling, Flipping and fumbling. Flowing on the rivers of sadness That have been forever rumbling.   But from dawn until now Of all the paths that I could have gone down Of all the valleys That I could have been flowing through.   In spite of all the chaos And all that has come between us, How is it I still find myself Here with you. 

25. Kingcrow - Everything Goes Your hands again upon the ground Falling rain for hours and hours As you learn the game Time dispels the fog ... Ever been there? Ever felt like prey? Ever thought your mind was feeble? Lot of things that don’t make sense

26. Pain of Salvation - Icon As a child I felt too old And now when I'm grown-up I feel too young A different kind so I've been told Just slightly out of reach and out of time

27. Sophia Loizou - Divine Interference (I got spooky dungeon vibes. Also, the title.)

28. Carpenter Brut - Fab Tool Runnin Gunnin Forward in the phantom shatter so grand Splatter grand, arcanum fuel Wrought iron out of the sky Over me, tells no lie

29. Blue Stahli - Death Will Have to Run All on the open road Where none will ever grow A journey toward the known With countless miles to go

30. Gyroscope - Mistakes & Ladders I am the first? No I can't be the first A continuous nothing, destined for something Tell me who you are and why you trapped me here

31. Queens of the Stone Age - Run, Pig, Run Run, pig, run Here I come

32. Chali 2na & Krafty Kuts - Guard The Fort The swords are drawn and odds are stacked And we clash the impact's a thunderous clap Calm demeanor Even though we are under attack [...my turn to guard the fort ready for combat]

33. The Great Discord - Army of Me (lol)

34. Kongos - Terrified I think I'll start again and change my name You only live once or twice, what a shame Somebody fucked up when designing this game

35. Woodkid - Run Boy Run Run, boy, run! This ride is a journey to Run, boy, run! The secret inside of you Run, boy, run! This race is a prophecy Run, boy, run! And disappear in the trees

36. The Beta Machine - The End A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me

37. Devin Townsend Project - Gump When we last met who was I? I'm sorry we no longer see eye to eye The energy to keep you in while keeping myself out I'm sorry how you'll take this  But I just don't have the patience anymore 

38. Arrested Youth - Riot! I can't get much satisfaction living in this cave It's tough to breathe, I'm in the belly of the beast Can't sleep with all my rage With me and all my generations living in this cage Pick up your guns and tell your sons, tonight we break the cage

39. Led Zeppelin - Friends So anytime somebody needs you Don't let them down, although it grieves you Some day you'll need someone like they do Looking for what you knew

40. Faunts - M4, pt 2 (Wild) Fight your foes you're not alone Holy war is on the phone Asking to please stay on hold Bleeding loss of blood runs cold And I need you to recover   Because I can't make it on my own

41. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes (Wild) I want them to know it's me, it's on my head I'll point the finger at me, it's on my head Smiling with the mouth of the ocean And I'll wave to you with the arms of the mountain

42. Devin Townsend - Jupiter (Wild) I know you At least I think I do Everything's changed But in the days that are so dark It's wonderful

43. Katatonia - Neon Epitaph (Wild) Shadow of my shadow Cling not to my grief I am long left behind now You are free

44. The Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning (Wild) Time has stopped before us The sky cannot ignore us No one can separate us For we are all that is left The echo bounces off me The shadow lost beside me There's no more need to pretend Cause now I can begin again 

45. Katatonia - Lacquer (Wild) My voice travelling Soaring bird above your head The house we lived in Ridden with disease ... The levee breaking I can't live to fight once more The road to the grave is straight as an arrow I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

46. Eskimo Joe - This is Pressure (Wild) There is no romance in suffocation  The walls fall down like your expectations You want to scream  And you want to shout But you've built up steam  And you can't let it out This is pressure 

47. Portugal. The Man - 1000 Years (Wild) We'll wait 1000 years  Until the end of time We'll wait 1000 more Dressed up in gold and white We'll climb the mountain sides  To find what's in the sky We'll dig through mountain sides  To find what's deep inside

48. Au4 - An Ocean’s Measure of Sorrow (Wild) Forgot my name and who I was. Memories of nothing floating up. All of the sorrow we once knew, Colours the ocean's water blue.

49. Band of Skulls - Carnivorous (Twilight) I am corrosive and cohesive Like a chemical bond I'm all together undone I am the broken kingdom I'm just so, so, so  So carnivorous

50. Glass Animals - Flip (Twilight) I wanna go back with a club and attack I wanna take to my guns and break you I gotta make my little foe take his own

51. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me (Twilight) My mind has changed my body's frame, but, God, I like it My heart's aflame, my body's strained, but, God, I like it

52. Kamelot - The Spell (Twilight) All my demons cast a spell The souls of dusk rising from the ashes So the book of shadows tell The weak will always obey the master

53. OSI - Radiologue (Legend) I was dreaming I was heading west thirty days faster Had a fever woke up in a sweat bailing out the water  Can't go on Can't go back   Heard your voice coming through the noise wrote it in the radio log Hurt my head, wondering what you said so I threw it overboard  

54. Katatonia - Don’t Tell A Soul (Legend) I have been destroyed by the perfection that is a lie see I'm moving soon see my feet are already on the road and if you know where I’m going don’t tell a soul

55. Haken - The Mind’s Eye (Legend) The shape of things to come are closer than they seem Changing your design every time you disappear I'm planning my escape through portals of your mind Where people seem to drop like flies

56. Pain of Salvation - Species (Legend) Sometimes I hate my fucking species Yet most days I'll do anything to please it  My generation was fooled to pursue our dreams But it is not what it seems You never need what you want And you rarely want what you need

57. Euringer - Do You Kiss Your Mama with That Mouth? (Legend) All my life, misunderstood I'm fuckin' too smart, too smart for my own good The last question, before I go is "Hey motherfucka, do you kiss your mama with that mouth?"  Yes! I kiss your mama with this mouth

58. !!! - Pardon My Freedom (Legend) Like I give a fuck, like I give a shit Like I give a fuck about that shit Like I give a fuck about that motherfucking shit

59. Team Sleep - Ataraxia (Legend) Froze asleep Coma deep I dream I'm out with you Alone at sea

60. Oliver Tank - Embrace (Legend) You're in my dreams The world is torn apart at the seams And I don't wanna leave Wearing my heart on it's sleeve

61. Machine Gun Fellatio - The Girl of My Dreams (Is Giving Me Nightmares) (Legend) The girl of my dreams is giving me nightmares I don't know what it means but she's got multi-coloured hair When she stands in the sand I dream of peaches And I'm not sure what that means either

62. Earl Greyhound - Shotgun (Legend & Hyrule) I am nobody, nobody is who I am I am a traveler on this land And nothing, nothing, nothing in my hands

63. TV on the Radio - Staring at the Sun (Hyrule) You're staring at the sun You're standing in the sea Your mouth is open wide You're trying hard to breathe The water's at your neck There's lightning in your teeth Your body's over me

64. Echo & The Bunnymen - The Killing Moon (Time) Fate Up against your will Through the thick and thin He will wait until You give yourself to him

65. Sufjan Stevens - Sugar (Sky) Don’t break my heart, don’t break my flow now And all this rage has got to go now Let’s take up this lifeline Come on, baby, gimme some sugar Don’t make me wait Don’t make me wait too long Don’t make me sing the sad song Come on, baby, gimme some sugar

66. Obsydians - Ascension (Sky) Rise above the hardships you’ll face I will sign and keep on rising As long as you are giving me your soul and keep me awake Feel like home and spread your light around I will listen and just be there As long as you are giving me your love I’ll give you my soul

67. Sonique - Sky -_-

68. Enter Shikari - The King (Ganon) Watch your back, my friend I'm about to kickstart a cycle Of never ending revenge And this time it's primal, it's tribal

69. Saul Williams - WTF! (Ganon, Hylia) "You've been polluted, uprooted by time You have been muted, computed but I'm A living vessel of the one, of the moon, of the sun" Hey! You ain't as dead as you seem, what the fuck? Hey! But you keep living your lies

70. These New Puritans - We Want War (Ganon/ Dark Link/ any nemesis I guess) Shadows dance back up, it's happening again If you listen carefully you might hear them whisper: "We hold all the secrets, we hold all the words; But they're scrambled and broken so you'll never know" Can't you see them Floating like black ash? Can't you feel them Crawling down your back?

[gryphis-eyes]

HI HOPE IM NOT LATE HELLO HELLO--

okay so first off the vibe you give me is of someone who's very creative and funny along with extremely hard working. Someone who takes things in stride and seems like the person to grow from mistakes and lessons really fast both because you've learnt what you needed to and you don*not* want to go through that again lol. Very unique, someone who stands out especially in their family and may break traditions + rules but for the better. Also someone who aids others in breaking toxic cycles!! Also do you like peonies? I saw peonies? A gif for your vibe miss ma'am

My initials are A.N!! THANK YOUUU ILYYYYY

Omg the intuition Queen is back in my castel 😳🌹💖

Everything is true and there is something funny about peonies, im not a big fan of the flower itself but i got a lil story with it. 👀 when i first started divination and witchcraft i found out i had a nasty spirit close to me so i had to get rid of it and the ritual i end up doing included peonies i went to bought 3, i still have the 3rd one in memory of my catastrophic begining 💀

⊙ The Dragon Queen

Queen of swords R, Oyster, Dragon, Venice Mallow

Can you stop being amazing

Your guide is very special, i can’t really say if it’s truly a dragon (because yes some people have litteral dragons as their spirit guides sometimes) but the vibe are truly strong, your guide absolutly reminded me of Tiamat a dragon goddess who is also a mother archetype. Your guide do have great power and a very very strong presence but right now she is ”asleep” (the rest of the reading is more a message from her rather than an actual description). She is waiting for you to stand in your power and to go to her by yourself (probably through meditation) this kind of yellow/ocher color (like in the dragon gif) seem represent her. If she is not a dragon she is definitly a warrior, like Tiamat she is a kind and nurturing mother but there is also a very dangerous and violent side of her (her wrath will never fall on you unless if you litteraly comit something very moraly wrong) i don’t remember if you watched SNK yet but she really made me think of Ymir also sword of Damocles vibe.

⊙

[quantumconfidence]

The Stigma Of The Trophy Wife & Why I'm Proud To Be One

Trophy wives and the never ending stigma... So much to say and so much to address. In this blog post as you read it in the title is all about why being a trophy wife (TW) is what I was meant to be. And most probably who you're meant to embrace too.

Keep reading Sister.

First of let me start with this mini clip...

This is all self explanatory to me and many other women who believe in hypergamy. The natural selection and order of things for women who desire to be married to a masculine man.

There's SO many negative cliche about being a trophy wife. The main one being a pretty air-head married to a rich old guy waiting to die so she can inherit all his assets and money.

And then you hear everyone around you saying things like: "why do you want to depend on a man? beauty doesn't last forever and some day he will replace you with someone hotter and younger"

But to me this is coming from such a small minded and scarcity point of view. These idea are filled with lack of everything.

There's SO, so, so much more than this about thinking of yourself as a TW!

Let's address a few of these points though because that is very important.

The "pretty air-head" Idea:

Who said that beautiful women were air-heads?

Just like everyone in this world, God has created each one of us, and you, with a special gift that NOBODY will ever provide like you do it. And that's a FACT.

I personally have worked for the largest and most successful companies in the world during my corporate career. As a people manager in technical supports, and I was VERY successful. These are definitely NOT the type of jobs or accomplishments an air-head would ever reach.

(If you're reading my blogs for the first time, Hello, My name is Mrs Queen and I'm the proud owner of this eCommerce business.)

And so, since when do we have to chose? I mean, hello scarcity mindset!

How being attractive, and maintaining your physical appearance ever kept you from being knowledgable and intelligent?

The "You'll always have to look pretty for him to stick around" Idea:

I cannot explain how this idea to me is SO basic, and SUCH a poor mindset!

Whom ever said that, clearly DOEN'T understand what makes a man marry you, when he truly believe that you're the woman of his dream. Or what makes a man stay with you for the rest of his life. So I'm going to spell it out loud, and preach. I hope you're ready?

First of all, a man stay kept if HE wants to stay kept. That has nothing to do with you but let's not ignore the following because these are contributing factors.

As a woman you're a WHOLE soul and PACKAGE by yourself. You do NOT ever or ever had to be with anybody to complete you. EVER. let me say it again, never, EVER.

And men DO understand that. They're looking and craving for that ENTIRE package. They want to experience it they want to live in it, forever and ever. This is literally their number one reason of living and striving in this world.

Yes, their MAIN reason to be alive. I'm not exaggerating.

What package am-i talking about?

Ok let's start with the obvious one:

1/ Your beauty. 

yes your face and body. And all appearances are appreciated in this world.

If you're thinking "high maintenance" and or "too exhausting" let me tell you the following very simply.

The way you care and take pride in your appearance has NOTHING to do with a man.

Never. EVER.

It has however EVERYTHING to do with how YOU, my sister, honor and love yourself. It's your way of respecting and glorify God's creation of you.

And if a man (your husband) gets to enjoy the perks too, that's his luck.

So don't allow laziness, or misconceptions to twist your mind. Taking care of yourself, and maintaining yourself is your godly duty as a woman. Let me say it again, it's self love and self respect.

Then,

2/ Your Feminine ENERGY. 

I'm literally talking about how your presence makes him feel. Have you ever had a phone conversation or just met someone and the tone of their voice, their smile gave you goose bumps and elevated your energy right away?

Making you smile, and feel warmer inside? That's what I'm talking about. Some people have the power to project their amazing energies into you and make you feel amazing in split-seconds. Everyone is of course different but the ones who love you, DO feel the energy of your soul.

And masculine men CRAVE for the feminine energy. The loving, the kind, the healing, the peaceful, resting, warm energy. They NEED you to be fully immersed into it, and let him join you into it.

They will do and pay anything to help you sustain and protect this beautiful environment. And it starts with the place you live in. Your body (back to point 1). Then your home. and the rest of your universe.

3/ Your RESPECT for him: This goes way deeper than the way you love him. Men will ALWAYS prefer being respected than being loved if they had to chose between the two. If you haven't read them, check out these books:

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

5 Love Languages

These are most definitely books that WILL drastically improve your relationship for the better. Feminism has us fooled with many ideas, and yes I'm fully aware that this movement gave the western woman many rights, and I'm not talking about this.

The movement also pushes women to violently disrespect men in MANY different ways, on a daily basis. Making you believe that it's a synonym of empowerment. It's not, it truly isn't. It's the number one key to ending your days living in an apartment with hundreds of cats.

4/ Your brain & your drive:

Masculine men do not want air-heads anyway. They want smart driven women who know how to balance all the things stated before and their lives.

A woman who can literally put all this shit together. HER shit together I should say to be more exact. DO not try to rule his life. That's HIS job. Not yours.

A masculine man wants to lead most of the times. LET him. If you believe and trust him, this won't be hard for you to do.

If not, and I mean if you deeply believe that your man cannot lead the way in your relationship, then you probably chose the wrong kind of man for you. It's never too late to find the right one.

Please note: These points ARE the WHOLE package and aren't in any particular order. One doesn't compensate for the others. ALL, meaning EACH one of them are part of the whole package that is you.

So what's a TW then?

It's in masculine men's nature to want to provide, it DOES NOT mean that you shouldn't have your own. As a matter of a fact it is crucial that you have your own AND let him provide.

One idea that I love the most in Islam, is that it is clearly stated that a man has to provide for his household and his wife's need. Only then a woman will submit to him and respect him fully. She can however have her own sources of income and decides if she wants to participate in the household spendings OR not.

Other religions have similar ideas too.

A TW is literally what ever you want to be. But most importantly she KNOWS how to be the most unique version of herself. And that IS ENOUGH.

But then what if you just do NOT want to work?

It took me a while to come up to a very simple realization. And that's because while growing up my mother always pushed me to "be independent". And to this day she still does.

I had to pounder very deeply on these things.

First of all, your value as a woman does NOT depend on what you can "bring to the table". It never was and never will.

Your value does NOT depend on how productive you can be. How much money you can earn, how much achievements you can reach. NONE. OF. THAT.

You are WELL worthy of being loved and taken care of, and just simply existing because you do. period.

Let me say it differently. You were born WORHTY. There's NOTHING that you have to do to be worthy. Your man, husband should know and appreciate that at it's right value.

You are NOT a financial burden. You ARE valuable, without having to do or achieve ANYTHING.

Your value is in you BEING you. Going back to the "whole package" idea.

Is this laziness?

I know these days if a woman doesn't want to work, she's labelled lazy. It's not. It's about understanding that the "whole package" is contribution in itself. It's HIGHLY valuable.

As I said, it's a man's reason for living, so he can experience that "package" with you.

But the scriptures say that you have to be a hard working woman at home or an active member of the society....

Yes. And you already are. Directly or indirectly. A woman who lives in her "whole package" vibe is an inspiration of everyone around her. That's her CONTRIBUTION to the world if she feels that it's enough. So it is. And there should be no room for shaming this.

And the ones shaming these women, are the ones who don't understand what I just wrote about.

The idea of "Keeping your independence"

I cannot believe how much I have been SO stubborn in grasping, holding on SO damn hard on my "independence"....

As mentioned growing up that's something my mom kept on repeating to me. That's because her marriage to my father was far from being exemplary. And I get her from those circumstances.

Let me remind you if you had a mom like mine, you are NOT your mom and your husband is NOT your father. Therefore your marriage and experience with it ARE NOT the same.

My simple question to you is: Why would you want to feel "independent"? How does being married truly makes you feel? Trapped in any ways?

I pondered so hard on this one. As a married woman I DO NOT want to be independent. I am married. Independence is the complete opposite of marriage.

Do you want independence still? Then be single! you'll have plenty of independence.

Marriage and being a wife truly requires from you to completely abandon your maiden self. That's only then that true union is ever possible. Marriage is two people coming as one. If you have found a husband that you love and loves you back, you won't need to feel independent.

We very often take love and relationship advice from women who are still wounded. My mom for example is currently single.

And the teaching she can ever pass on me are the ones of a woman who's been through three failed marriages. That's precisely why I do NOT take marriage advice related to "staying in a successful marriage" from her.

Who have you been listening to so far? Are they in the type of marriage that you aspire to be in? If not, then I invite you to reframe your way of thinking around what they taught you to believe.

The "he will go for someone younger" idea:

Ok, yes that happens, because some relationships aren't meant to last forever. But who says YOU won't do that before he does?? Or leaving him for a better option? Who will treat you better if your current one starts tripping? THAT right there is the TW mindset.

Because you know your value, and the value of being the "whole package".

Your aging DOES NOT diminish your worth or value. It does NOT. The way you perceive yourself is the ONLY factor that can have that effect ladies. Not a man. Not what your mom would say. Or what your "friends" who mean "well", or your community members will say.

NONE. OF. THAT.

It's you vs YOU.

So why wouldn't you feel proud to FULLY be your own FULL package anyway?

You can have it, so flaunt it for you, for God, and your (future) lucky hubby sister.

Popular Reads:

How To Preserve Your High Value & Feminine Energy During A Crisis

How Dressing More Feminine Will Change Your Life

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[officialleotolstoy]

Oh Dolokhov Brainrot We’re Really In It Now, aka Dolokhov playlist annotations!

A note on the cover photo: I don’t really like this one but I got tired of looking at men on Pinterest so I gave up. The window symbolizes the rum window and the smoking symbolizes uhhhhh habitual bad life choices idk

Drinking game take a shot every time I say “it’s about the vibes”

Wrecking Ball - Mother Mother

“I break it just because I can”

This is THEE ‘I am going to cause problems on purpose’ song and that is like his entire narrative purpose!! Argue with me about this one I dare you

The Good, The Bad, and the Dirty - Panic! At The Disco

“If you wanna start a fight you better throw the first punch, make it a good one”

Partially its just vibes, I won’t lie. But also the consistent spoiling for a fight is very in character

Shoot to Thrill - AC/DC

“I’m like evil, I get under your skin”

It’s got I Am Morally Repulsive But Also I’ll Steal Your Girl energy which really hits all of Dolokhov’s character traits. And of course the added bonus of gun imagery.

Mr. Brightside - The Killers

“It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this”

I added it strictly for vibes, but then I realized the quoted lyric is very much him @ the Kuragins if you take the reading that he refuses to admit he actually like them but grows genuinely fond of them over time even though he initially got to know them with a lot of ulterior motives.

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

“Mama, I just killed a man”

The amount of songs that are on these playlists just for what are essentially your mom jokes since Dolokhov loves his mom so much is a little pathetic. But I’m not wrong! I can’t really put it into words but something about this song has Dolokhov energy.

Feel It Still - Portugal the Man

“Give in to that easy living, goodbye to your hopes and dreams”

A good deal of what I find interesting about Dolokhov is the internal conflict he has of knowing he’s become rather wicked and problematic but also not really trying very hard to change and almost enjoying it so a lot of the songs on here are about that, including this one. The “I’m a rebel just for kicks now” also very much screams Causing Problems On Purpose.

The Bidding - Tally Hall

“I like to take advantage of the bourgeoisie”

His whole role in volume one and two is to take advantage of the bourgeoisie! This song also oozes confidence and a sense of superiority that comes from being better than the sellouts in high society, Dolokhov’s not like other girls uwu (he really is, but I don’t think he would admit that).

Say Amen (Saturday Night) - Panic! At The Disco

“I could be better but baby it’s Saturday night”

Embracing his own wickedness! The idea that he knows he could be better than he is but he doesn’t want to take that opportunity...yeah vibes

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes) - Fall Out Boy

“I became such a strange shape from trying to fit in”

This is the epitome of the “woe is me I need to be purified” phase he goes through when he’s into Sonya. Also “I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color” reminds me of Comet Dolokhov’s stupid eyeliner <3

Some Nights - fun.

“So what is this? I sold my soul for this?”

There’s a long stretch of this playlist that just boils down to “Woe is me I need to be purified” crisis hours, because Dolokhov’s oscillation between embracing his own cruelty and trying to be a good person is super interesting to me. This song captures the idea that he’s still having fun and there’s some good there, but he’s also aware that he’s losing himself a bit

Roaring 20s - Panic! At The Disco

“I don’t even know me”

“Woe is me i need to be purified” crisis AGAIN. This song gets more to the annoyance with society as a whole and feeling kind of lost in it

Send Them Off! - Bastille

“Help me exorcise my mind”

“Please purify me 16 year old girl! I’m 27 this isnt creepy at all ahahahha”. I do despise Sonyakhov but this has the vibes of a man feeling his own evil and wanting a woman to fix it. Not a great look.

Easy Days (Demo) - Bastille

“I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days”

Near the end of the “woe is me I need to be purified” phase when he’s kind of drifting back to his old ways and he’s like wait no- wait- and then he does anyway because he’s horrible. I also really like the acknowledgment that his horribleness is easy and pleasant for him, and he has to fight against that (and he loses that fight HDJAJJD).

Undisclosed Desires - Muse

“You trick your lovers that you’re wicked and divine”

This is a Dolokhov/Nikolai song I do not take constructive criticism. Undisclosed desires...not being straight...lots to think about! It feels almost like a corruption arc? Nikolai isn’t corrupted nor does their...fling (?) last very long but Nikolai is obviously enamored with Dolokhov despite him being The Worst so I think this fits. I don’t have enough songs for a Nikolai/Dolokhov playlist so I just add those songs to both of their individual playlists

Thnks fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy

“Thanks for the memories even though they weren’t so great”

Also mostly a Nikolai/Dolokhov song. This man has never ended a relationship on good terms, huh. Also. Sighs heavily. “He tastes like you only sweeter” never fails to make me laugh when I think about it in the context of Dolokhov post-duel being like oh?? You’re just a stupid WOMAN Hélène your brother and/or Nikolai is hotter than you :/ which is not exactly what I think happened but it makes me laugh to consider. Dolokhov ur bitterrrrr

Dangerous - Royal Deluxe

“I’ll be the last man standing here, I’m not going anywhere”

I feel like this has the vibes of his cruelty, especially in that bit after the Kuragins have died when he and Petya infiltrate the French army.

Another One Bites The Dust - Queen

“There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man”

He will hurt you and kill you so violently :) It’s about the vibes.

White Wedding Pt. 1 - Billy Idol

“It’s a nice day to start again”

In the exact inverse to his “woe is me I need to be purified” phase, he’s like ok yes i will pick up bad habits again and enjoy them because frick you! I read once that this song is about a relapse into drugs, but I’m making it analogous to his relapse into Terrible Person Behavior after Sonya’s rejection. Also the repetition of the phrase little sister does something for my brain idk, after we know he loves his mom and sister it just fits.

Highway to Hell - AC/DC

“I’m on the highway to hell and I’m goin down”

Like White Wedding, it screams acceptance of his problematicness. He knows he’s cruel and evil and he revels in it. This is the phase we see him in most I think.

Back in Black - AC/DC

“It’s been too long, I’m glad to be back”

I think this plays every time he gets reinstated to an army position he lost by being reckless earlier. Just kidding sort of but listen to this song and tell me it doesn’t have Dolokhov vibes. If you do, you’re wrong <3

Poet - Bastille

“I have written you down now, you will live forever”

This is just here cause he ghostwrote Anatole’s love letters and I think it’s funny. It’s MY playlist and I get to choose the barely relevant Bastille songs

St. Jude - Florence + The Machine

“Maybe I’ve always been more comfortable in chaos”

This one’s more scattered lyrics than an overall vibe. “Each side is a loser so who cares who fired the gun” has duel energy also.

Hey Look Ma, I Made It - Panic! At The Disco

Confession: I hate this song. However, it’s about the about the MOM R U PROUD OF ME vibes (she is. Should she be? Probably not).

Rich Kids - Bea Miller

“It’s never enough for the stuck up types”

The not coming from wealth and having to almost scam your way into being part of the aristocratic scene is very Dolokhov. Also in my mind the rich kid he’s roasting is specifically Nikolai.

Money, Money, Money - ABBA

“It’s a rich man’s world”

I’m not SAYING the wealthy man they talk about is Anatole but - [i am shot]. Scheming and clawing your way up to wealth is Dolokhovcore.

This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco

I literally have no justification for this other than that i think modern AU Dolokhov would vibe with it. Look at the amount of eyeliner he wears in Comet and tell me he didn’t have an emo band phase. You can’t.

Trouble’s Coming - Royal Blood

This is not about the words at all, it’s more about the vibes. It just sounds Dolokhovish to me, don’t ask me to explain.

Sleep Alone - Two Door Cinema Club

“They’re just ghosts and they can’t hurt him if he can’t see them”

This gives me post-Kuragins’ death vibes, and I can’t pin down exactly why? I think it’s the idea of being very alone and closed off.

Golden Days - Panic! At The Disco

I can’t put a specific lyric to it but it’s the vibes of looking back on your hedonistic youths with nostalgia and rose-colored glasses. Post-Kuragins’ death vibes again.

Go Get Your Gun - The Dear Hunter

“One foot in the grave, the other one’s kickin’ its way right down to hell”

All we see of him after the Kuragins’ death is just him being particularly cruel and reckless, almost careless. This feels like it encapsulates that energy.

The Fallen - Franz Ferdinand

“They say you’re a troubled boy just because you like to destroy”

I’m aware that a good portion of this song is about a Christ figure but I’m going to respectfully ask you to ignore that bit and just focus on all the Sketchy Things the guy does instead. Thank you. He does in fact like to destroy things! Señor Cause Problems On Purpose back at it again at krispy kreme, huh.

[chnqin]

My Epic MDZS/The Untamed Daemon AU

I’m sure other people have already done Daemon AUs, but this idea wouldn’t leave me alone. I have been working on this for like three weeks now.

I just wrote down my first instinctive thought for most characters, and then researched* further into subspecies etc. What I found for a lot of the animals made me agree with my first opinion even more, although all of these are obviously just my own opinions. I also decided to stick to non-mythological animals. (some characters have been given a lot more consideration than others, I’m sorry)

Wei Wuxian: beech marten Beech martens are quick and clever. The are nocturnal, omnivores, and skilled swimmers. They move through paths made by larger animals such as hares in the snow. {further notes under read more}

Lan Wangji: white hare More solitary animals. They have an association with the moon, which I tend to associate LWJ with. {f/n}

Jiang Cheng: osprey Aquatic birds; good hunters. {f/n}

Lan Xichen: white stag {f/n}

Jiang Yanli: asian black bear {explained in detail under the read more}

Jin Zixuan: lion Ngl it’s probably because the Persian pokemon reminds me of him

Jin Guangyao: domestic cat {f/n}

Nie Huiasang: pangolin {f/n}

Nie Mingju: wolf {f/n}

Wen Qing: Chinese sparrowhawk {f/n}

Wen Ning: black Formosan mountain dog (tuguo) {f/n}

Lan Sizhui: Xiasi Quan dog or red panda or badger {f/n}

Jin Ling: lion {f/n}

Lan Jingi: monkey They’re respected animals but also have a mischievous side

Ouyen Zihzen: capybara No, they’re not native to China, but this is what I imagined him as and I couldn’t get it out of my head or find a perfect substitute

Xiao Xinchen: swan He just gives me major swan vibes, possibly something to do with Swan Lake (as do some Lans but they’re not graceful in the same way or tragic in the same way)

Song Lan: oriental hobby falcon or black horse He struck me as some sort of raptor, but I also liked a horse for him 

Luo Qingyang/Mianmian: lynx

Lan Qiren: sheep Symbolise filial piety. Also follow other people without question (*cough* the Lan Sect elders)

Jiang Fengiman: otter Spends a lot of time around the water, just what popped into my head

Yu Ziyuan: snake Because Zidian

The Jiang Sect favour animals who live near or on the water, some even possessing daemons which are fully aquatic, and thus are unable to leave Lotus Pier

The Lan Sect usually have herbivore animals for daemons and favour swift, elegant animals.

The Jins tend towards lions and panthers, but also flashy, rich birds like pheasants and peacocks (which makes WWX’s nickname for JZX even more funny).

The Nies often have pack or herd animals. Wolves and mountain lions are very common, but also a lot of horned animals like oxen, mountain goats and sheep (bighorn sheep and ibex are common), and also wild boar.

The Wens were typically birds of prey (the Dire Owl becomes Wen Chao’s daemon) or mountain cats.

The Yus often have daemons which take reptile form. Wildcats also common.  I quite like the idea that the Yus are a sect which has cultivated the ability to separate themselves from their daemons.

~Further notes on why I picked these animals, Daemon settling, angsty AUs of my AU, and research disclaimer under the cut~

Story & Research Notes:

(I’m going with the idea that trauma can make a daemon settle into a particular form)

WWX A marten was the first thing to come to mind for WWX, I have no idea why, but the more I thought about it the more I liked it. They’re really inquisitive, playful, and cute, but are also predators and will fuck you up if necessary.  A crow was another obvious choice because they’re curious and inventive, but with a bit of a dark connotation. However, in my version at least (I’m not great on His Dark Materials canon), Daemons usually settle in the early teens, and at that point WWX really didn’t have as much darkness in him as he develops later. 

I think WWX was one of those people whose daemon changed with every thought and feeling of his, whose daemon changed so rapidly and so repeatedly that people would complain of motion sickness watching it. His daemon’s most common forms were a martin, a magpie, an otter (which drove Madam Yu nuts), and (after JYL’s settled) very occasionally a bear.

When WWX comes back most people don’t realise anything is wrong because Mo Xuanyu always hid his daemon (I think it was probably something like a field mouse although how funny would it be if Little Apple was actually his daemon and WWX unknowingly inherited her along with the body), so they just think his has settled into something too big to hide now. However, his beech martin is the other reason Lan Wangji knows who Wei Wuxian is (WWX’s daemon hides from Jiang Cheng at Dafan Mountain, so JC only suspects it’s WWX). (Angsty AU further down)

LWJ I know that arctic hares aren’t native to China, but I want you to pretend that something like that does exist because I need lwj to have a white hare daemon. They are also bigger than other hares and cuter (they look slightly less cursed than some hares do). I’m imagining a lot of the daemons being slightly bigger than their real-life animal counterparts would be, so imagine the ears coming up to a normal person’s hip-height when the daemon is sitting. Rabbits can also apparently symbolise hope, and that suits someone who is known to go where the chaos is, bringing hope and light in the darkness. 

As a child, LWJ’s daemon was expressive in a way he never could be. It liked to take snow leopard form a lot, which was seen as excessively violent to the Lan sect, who preferred non-carnivorous animals, and often snarled at people. His daemon always took snow leopard form when visiting his mother so it could curl up with her tiger daemon. 

LWJ’s daemon settled exceptionally early, shortly after his mother’s death, into an acceptable hare form. Lan Xichen always wondered if LWJ himself made his daemon settle, if she was not supposed to have been a snow leopard all along, and so always looks upon LWJ’s daemon with a bit of sadness because he feels like it was LWJ stifling - almost killing off - a part of his personality (spoiler: it was) in order to fit into the Lan sect.

(More on that in an angsty AU below)

JC Ngl, I wanted to make Jiang Cheng a goose because they’re always angry but I didn’t. Jiang Cheng shifted mostly between a hunting dog and a mouse as a child, both of which infuriated Yu Ziyuan (honestly what she wanted her children’s daemons to be even I don’t know). Jiang Cheng’s daemon settled very late (another thing his mother wasn’t happy with). In fact, it didn’t settle till the attack on Lotus Pier and the death of his parents, when it took the shape of an osprey (because he wanted to be able to fly away and pretend none of it ever happened). 

Even more angsty: One Chinese poem has the Osprey as a symbol of marital harmony and fidelity. Upon seeing his parents death, finally united in a way they hadn’t been in life, JC’s constant wish for his parents to love each other (and, by extension, him) physically manifests itself in his daemon.

JYL I know what you’re thinking. Why the hell did you give Jiang Yanli a bear of all people. Well I’ll tell you. For two reasons: one, because I can do what I want, and two, because I would say one of JYL’s most central characteristics is her wish to look after people. She’s not physically strong in the way most other cultivators are, however, and she’s always having to keep the peace at home - and so I can see her daemon becoming a physical manifestation of that need to protect (bears are known to be protective, particularly mothers), and a physical example of her inner strength which is so often overlooked.

Yanli shifted between a dove, a crane, and a maritime striped squirrel for most of her childhood. She favoured the squirrel and dove (incredibly mild animals) over the crane, which disappointed Madam Yu.  It’s one of the reasons Jin Zixuan never saw her as a potential match, her daemon too small and docile to match his almost constant lion daemon.

When Jiang Yanli was around fourteen Madam Yu took things with Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng too far one day, and Yanli saw it. Her daemon suddenly shifted into a bear, a form it had never taken up to that point, and jumped on Yu Ziyuan’s snake daemon. WWX and JC always remembered Yanli standing in the doorway, her expression placid while her huge bear daemon growled with absolute fury and menace. Everyone expected Yanli’s daemon to go back to its usual squirrel or dove form, but it never did. It remained a bear, and remained the biggest daemon of pretty much anyone in any of the sects.

I had already picked a crane as one of JYL’s potential daemons because of its connection to water and positive symbolism in China. Upon further (hopefully accurate) research, I saw that cranes depicted with lotuses in Chinese art symbolise purity and longevity, and I liked making her daemon a bear even more, because her daemon took that form to protect WWX and JC - years after her death, they both wondered if, had her daemon had taken crane form, maybe she wouldn’t have died. From what I found, “crane” is also a homophone for 合 hé “peace, harmony”, which is a quality Jiang Yanli had much of, and tried to inspire in others.

LXC I think its LXC’s hairpiece which always makes me think of deer antlers (even though it’s a dragon?), so that’s probably why I immediately thought of a stag for him. But stags are also very noble and refined looking animals which don’t tend towards violence, but also have horns for a reason. Obviously, like with LWJ, it’s a white stag because aesthetique. Upon further research, I discovered a (hopefully correct) source which says 鹿 lù (deer) is a homonym with 璐 lù (precious jade), and the character for deer is used within the character 丽 lì ‘beautiful; elegant’ - both fit LXC very well.

JGY Cats are sneaky little fuckers (I say this with love). The ultimate predator in small unassuming form. Many of the main Jin family have big cat daemons so this is kind of another smack in the face for JGY - so close to being a real part of the Jin family, but still kept apart from them - and something people like to bring up along with his mother. However, many Jins are also birds (including JGS), and cats prey on birds.

NHS I thought a fox was a bit on the nose. Also I like the way pangolin’s just drop and curl up in defence - it’s a viable form of protection, but to the outside appears cowardly. However, their scales are sharp and can cut predators who come after them. Also I didn’t want him to fit into any of his sect’s typical animals. Also also imagine how cute it would look being carried around everywhere by NHS because it’s too lazy to walk, absolutely adorable.

NMJ A wolf was what immediately came to mind for Nie Mingjue. Wolves are apparently sometimes associated with greed, self-interest, and lechery, but I think the pack elements and the carnivore/hunting nature of the wolf really suits NMJ and the Nie clan in general, so I decided to overlook that aspect (although I did briefly consider making JGS a wolf, but I like them as animals too much in real life to do that to them and also he doesn’t have a soul, so he doesn’t get a daemon).

WQ I always saw Wen Qing as some sort of hawk, I just think it suits her very well. The Chinese sparrowhawk is quite small and very beautiful. It has white, red and grey colours. They are good hunters and swift flyers. 

WN I knew I wanted Wen Ning to be some sort of dog because he’s very loyal, and also (angsty) when the Jins call the Wens dogs I wanted that to hurt even more. He’s very unusual for a Wen, none of the main sect have dog daemons - it is very much a thing that is specific to their branch of the Wen family. The mountain dog I picked for him is an endangered breed, which I also felt fitted WN well. From what I found, dogs symbolise watchful wisdom, honesty, and loyalty, which all fit Wen Ning. 

This was all perfect till I remembered WWX’s all-consuming fear of dogs. I decided to get round this by cheating and saying that for some reason daemons are different and he’s not scared of them (because they represent a part of someone’s soul, rather than being a real animal? I guess?? Please do not look too hard at this delicately constructed card tower) 

Angsty version: when Wen Ning becomes a fierce corpse he loses his daemon, another reason people are unsettled by him and another thing WWX feels guilty about.

LSZ I think Lan Sizhui was the hardest to pick. I couldn’t decide which way to go: should he follow a “Lan approved” daemon pattern; should he have a bird like Wen Qing and a lot of other Wens? Then I saw the Xiasi Quan and it’s white and fluffy and cute but it was also a hunting and a guard dog, which seemed right for him. And I liked that it gave LSZ and WN this one very tangible connection. It is also endangered.  However, I also liked a red panda and a badger for Lan Sizhui too. I really couldn’t decide between the three. I like them all, why is he the hardest to choose for? (I’m still not 100% happy with this, let me know if you have any alternative suggestions)

Again, please suspend your disbelief at the fact that WWX’s child has a dog daemon and he’s fine with this (it would have looked so cute as a little puppy running around the Burial Mounds though).

When he was younger his daemon liked to take on the forms of those closest to him. So you’d often see a bby marten running after WWX’s daemon, a tiny bird perched with Wen Qing’s sparrow-hawk, a puppy following Wen Ning’s dog around, and a tiny bby rabbit in Cloud Recesses. As he got older it shifted between the dog, a red panda, and a badger. (maybe I’ll just say his hasn’t settled yet and that’s why I can’t decide)

JL Jin Ling definitely also had a daemon which shifted because of a) his loved ones and b) his mood, and he hated it. As if his own explosive temper didn’t give him away enough, his daemon always showed his exact feelings. When he wanted nothing more than his mother to be there it would be a bear. When he was feeling defensive about his parents it would turn into a lion (this happens when he and WWX first meet and any time people talk about his parents’ deaths). When he was younger his daemon spent a lot of time as a cat and a bird, although different types to what his uncles had. 

Jin Ling’s daemon still hasn’t settled when WWX is resurrected, and he is absolutely mortified the one time it decides to turn into a beech marten like WWX’s. Eventually it will settle into a lion, and WWX will pretend to be grumpy that it didn’t choose a bear instead.

Angsty AUs:

Daemons are linked to golden cores Jiang Cheng loses his daemon along with his core. When Wei Wuxian’s core is removed it’s more like when daemons and humans are separated in the books. His daemon stays with him, but can move about freely - this is part of what causes WWX to rapidly destabilise, not just resentful energy. Jiang Cheng always feels weirdly aware of WWX’s daemon after that but doesn’t know why. WWX’s daemon is technically connected to JC too, and also finds this weird. JC also can’t work out why his daemon never came back with his golden core, and that loss is part of why he’s so angry and isolated.

The effect of trauma on Daemons Another angsty au is based on the idea that, if trauma can make your daemon settle early, then trauma can also make it change.

When Wei Wuxian is thrown into the Burial Mounds, he wishes so hard to be able to fly that his beech marten turns into a crow (because I do love a crow for him too). I kind of like the idea that after the Burial Mounds WWX’s daemon almost un-settles itself, and can change between a marten and a crow. This really freaks people out and is another reason people say he’s dangerous.

Similarly, after Wei Ying’s death and the Lan sect’s punishment, Lan Wangji wakes up to find his daemon has shifted from its hare to snow leopard form. In his soul, LWJ feels like if he had been less passive and actually stood with WWX then his soulmate would still be alive. His daemon changes from a more passive hare to the more aggressive snow leopard.

He’s criticised by the elders for it, but they shut up when his daemon flattens theirs, while LWJ’s face remains an impassive mask but his eyes promise murder. WWX is really sad when he comes back to see LWJ’s hare gone and blames himself for causing LWJ so much trauma his daemon changed. (personally if I were writing a Daemon AU this is what I would have happen, because I love LWJ with a snow leopard daemon - they symbolise bravery and martial ferocity, while rabbits are virtue and gentleness, and I feel like these two both accurately represent the two sides of LWJ. I really feel like LWJ has a huge shift in himself after WWX’s death which would be represented in his daemon. It also is, in a way, a return of a core part of himself which was lost after his mother’s death)

Sword/Instrument substitute Mixing Daemons with sword sprits - the animal becomes a physical representation of the spiritual tool. Some people could therefore have more than one daemon (for example, LWJ could have Bichen - his rabbit sword daemon - and Wangji - his snow leopard guqin daemon)

Angsty version: WWX actually does die in the burial mounds and Suibian, his beech martin, dies/changes into Chenqing, a raven/crow.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.  .·。.·゜✭·.·✫·゜·。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. 

If you are reading this you have made it to the end of this post, well done.

 I wanted to make it shorter but I had too many ideas and wanted to explain my reasoning for my choices and decided just to put it all in one post rather than lots of little ones.

*Disclaimer: I know only the smallest amount of Chinese, and have taken all my information about imagery, word meanings, and homophones etc from web-sources, and so it is very possible I have made mistakes. Though I have, to the best of my abilities, attempted to check on the cultural/artistic meaning, if any, that certain animals have in Chinese culture, the internet lies and I can’t get any decent books on it atm as the libraries are closed, so I’m really sorry if there are errors and I hope people will forgive any mistakes or blunders I might have made. 

[threeletterslife]

[Finale] 10 | Illegirl

→ previous | next (second book of ly trilogy masterpost) 

→ summary: Excelling in every school subject, acing every math test and conquering the academic world is something you do as easily as breathing. As your residential social outcast nerd, you live rather as a recluse, talking to almost no one except for your dear ol’ cousin and that sweet boy in a few of your classes—Jungkook? was that his name? Befriending your ʰᵒᵗ AP stats teacher was the last thing on your high school senior agenda…

→ genre: 90% fluff, 8% crack, 2% angst | teacher!au & f2l!au

→ warnings: profanity, implied, CONSENTED & PROTECTED sex (these adults are role models), mentions of sexual activities 

→ wordcount: 5.5k

"But what if they ask how we met?" you say, wiping your sweaty palms on the side of your modest skinny jeans. "What if they ask my age? Oh my god. What if they ask to meet my parents?"

"Relax, Y/N," your boyfriend soothes, taking you into a warm side hug as he guides you up the steps of his parents' rather large home. "You're 18 now, and you'll be in college next month. You're not so young anymore."

You huff, tucking in a strand of loose hair and fussing with the hem of your nicest blouse. "They're gonna hate me."

"It takes a lot for them to hate someone," Jimin laughs, rubbing your shoulder in an attempt to calm you down. "They're just... slightly judgmental. But it's not like they're going to interrogate you! It's just dinner."

"This was a bad idea."

"It won't be, trust me."

You sigh, rolling your eyes. "Is this my late graduation present? Or perhaps an early entering college gift?"

"Kinda?" It sounds more like a question than a sure statement. "I just want them to meet the person I love as early as possible!" Jimin gives you the puppy dog eyes he knows you can't resist.

"Okay, okay! But what if they ask questions we don't fucking know the answer to?" you say, worry lines appearing on your forehead. "Like when we met and shit??"

Jimin hums, lips pulling out in a pout as he thinks hard. After a moment of silence, he grins as if an adequate idea popped up in his head. "We'll improv!"

"Oh, you son of a b—HELLO, Mr. and Mrs. Park!" you quickly say, heart beating violently in your chest. Damn. Off to a not-so-great start. You almost called Jimin a 'son of a bitch,' in front of his goddamn mother.

Thankfully it seems like Jimin's parents didn't hear you. They smile at both of you as they open their front door wider, and your boyfriend noticeably grips your shoulder tighter, in an attempt to remind you to release your inner tension.

"Y/N, is it?" Mrs. Park smiles, though she looks you over with scrutiny. "Don't you look young?"

You flinch as Jimin wraps his arm around you, then saves you from answering. "Yeah, she's 18, mom." He places a hand on the small of your back, ushering you into the house.

"18? 18?!" Mrs. Park gasps, putting a polite hand over her mouth in shock. "Goodness me. You never date anyone more than three years younger! Your exes all had a stable job with high income... she's barely in college!"

Already, you feel quite uncomfortable, especially with Jimin's mother spewing random facts about his past girlfriends and lowkey dissing you. Then you have Mr. Park who had seemed friendly at first but continues to sneak glances at his phone as if he was expecting an important call. You were getting rich businessman vibes from him. No wonder their home had one too many chandeliers and shining glass windows.

"Mom..." Jimin warns, his voice dipping low. "You're gonna make Y/N feel uncomfortable."

"Oh no, it's fine," you quickly say, faking a genuine smile. "Yes, I'm young, but I am pretty mature for my age."

Damn. You're getting good at this lying business if you do say so yourself.

Mrs. Park raises her eyebrow, turning to consult her husband but finding him engaged in a serious phone call. She sighs, shaking her head as she looks you over once more, a warm smile blossoming on her face. "It's fine, dear. Age is merely a number. Come, dinner's waiting."

Jimin's mother waves you and her son over, her inside-wear Louis Watton fur slippers clacking against the white marble floor as she marches over to an extravagant dining room. Even the gilded vase in the center of the mahogany dinner table looks like it could pay for your whole college tuition.

And speaking of college tuition, the moment a steaming hot meal is placed on the expensive table by a couple of servants, Mrs. Park turns to you, a false smile playing on her lips. "So, Y/N, what is your college major?"

You had been looking forward to dipping your spoon into that aromatic soup but you pause, looking up to make eye contact with the older woman. "Uh, I'm gonna major in statistics but minor in mathematics."

Jimin grins proudly next to you, already wolfing down a piece of savory white truffle garlic bread. You gulp next to him, wanting to take a piece of that dish yourself. But Mrs. Park interrupts your inner drooling.

"Really? That's quite interesting. My son is a high school mathematics teacher, you two must get along well, especially if you love arithmetic like him," Mrs. Park hums while taking a delicate sip from her intricate glass of red wine. "Would you like some?" she offers to you. "It's the finest we've got, slightly acidulated with a citrus finish."

There's an awkward silence as Jimin noticeably pauses his chewing and you completely freeze on the spot.

"Oh! That's right, you're underage," Mrs. Park chuckles. "My deepest apologies, Y/N. Jimin? Would you like a glass?"

You duck your head down to stare at your hands, wondering what the hell this woman was up to. Was she purposefully bringing up your age to make the dinner more awkward? Or was it just polite habit that got in the way?

To your surprise, Jimin refuses the drink. "It's fine, mom. I have to drive us home, so I'll pass."

Mrs. Park nods in approvement, sipping on her wine glass with a dainty hand. "Now I wonder what your father is taking so long with. He was surely excited to meet Y/N." She huffs. "Doesn't seem like it to me."

Again, you really don't know what to say or how to react. Conversations, er, socializing has never been your thing. Especially with adults (eXcEpT JiMiN).

"So, tell me about yourself, Y/N," Mrs. Park says, scooting her chair closer as her eyes seem to pierce into your soul. "I want to get to know the lovely lady my son loves so much."

You gulp, taking a nervous look at Jimin who's been sipping his glass of water for quite a long time. Now you're thinking of doing the same, just to avoid talking.

Your tongue is a limp mess in your mouth, and your brain refuses to make coherent sentences. But amidst your panic, you feel a warm hand wrap around yours underneath the table, out of sight. It's Jimin, wordlessly showing his support.

Somehow it helps.

"Well, I really do love mathematics," you start as Jimin squeezes your hand.

"She might love it more than me," your boyfriend adds, giving you a loving glance. You smile. "Oh, and did I mention? Y/N's never had a 'B' in her life! She's the most intelligent person I know!"

You blush, sticking a piece of marinated flank steak in your mouth.

"Oh? Goodness, you must be hardworking, Y/N!" Mrs. Park compliments.

"Hardworking? Did I hear hardworking?" Mr. Park calls as he settles down next to his wife, across from you and Jimin. "I've always wanted a hardworking daughter in law!"

Your eyes widen as you chew on your sauteed asparagus. Daughter in law? What the fuck???

Jimin lightly squeezes your hand. A gesture to try to calm you for sure, and lucky for him, it works.

"Dad, I've already told you we haven't dated for too long," Jimin says, chuckling. "If you keep saying that, Y/N will run away!"

Mr. Park throws his head back and laughs. "Sorry, it's just that I've heard so many amazing stories about you, Y/N," he tells you, a particular glint in his eye. "You're a special young lady, and my son is blessed to be with you."

You're stuttering again, trying to find the right words to thank Jimin's dad for all the flattery. "I-I... O-Oh, gosh. Thank you, but I'm sure I'm the one who's been blessed to have met someone like Jimin." They're true words, not a hint of a fib between the lines.

"Awww!" your boyfriend sings, nudging your shoulder with affection. It's honestly then when it becomes so clear to you. Just a small action, only a small nudge of the shoulder shows you that with Jimin's support, you won't ever have to be uncomfortable. He's the magical key to your safe haven, your very own utopia. Somehow his little actions can make you feel like the two of you are the only ones in the room.

"Y/N. Y/N??"

Jimin's voice breaks you from your thoughts as you perk up looking around to see what you missed.

"You kinda fazed out there, you okay?" he asks, rubbing small circles to the back of your hand.

"Yeah, yeah," you mutter, leaning against him. God. I am so fucking in love.

Mr. and Mrs. Park watch intently with interest as they witness intense love with their own eyes. Even they seem to realize you and Jimin are a match made in the heavens.

"Ahem," Mr. Park coughs, gaining you and Jimin's attention. He smiles warmly at you, then grins proudly at Jimin. "So, enlighten us. How did you two ever meet?"

You jerk your head towards Jimin as both of you erupt in nervous laughter. "Err... long story."

It's a goddamn sin to be stripped of sight. First off, you can't fucking see which is a whole problem of its own. Second off, Jimin's sweaty hands are pressing against your closed eyelids, and you can't help but wonder if they're clean.

You'll take one for the (figurative) team and assume that they are. Besides, you don't want to ruin the romantic night by grumbling your ass off.

"Hey, that wasn't so bad, right?" Jimin whispers, his hot breath tickling your ear. He guides your body, pressing his broad chest against your back to god knows where.

"Interrogation from your parents? No, it was fucking glorious," you say, voice dripping with nothing but sarcasm. Jimin chuckles, leaving a light kiss on the back of your neck, but you pout. "Where are you taking me, Jiminie?"

"It's a surprise." He nuzzles you from behind as if that display of affection would placate you. Normally it would, but you're just not having it today. Something about being temporarily blind sucked all the patience out of you.

"Yeah, well, I hate you and your surprises," you mutter underneath your breath.

"If you hate me so much, why are you holding onto me so tightly?" Jimin chuckles as you flush. He was right. You were gripping onto his tan, exposed arms, hoping they would somehow protect you from the never-ending darkness that seemingly enveloped you as a whole.

"They say one should keep one's enemies close," you say snarkily. You're not backing down.

Jimin chuckles, placing another chaste kiss on the back of your neck. "I'm your enemy now?"

"Yeah, there's a fucking reason why there's a 'my' in enemy. You're my enemy, gotcha?" you giggle, shaking your head at how cheesy you were sounding. How love made you say the cringiest things.

You can't see it, but you know Jimin's beaming... either that or he's considering ditching you. Both are plausible.

"I just think you don't like surprises," Jimin sings in your ear.

"That too," you murmur. "Are we there yet?"

"God, Y/N," your boyfriend laughs. "You're 18, act like it! Besides, you'll love this surprise, I know you will."

"Yeah right, how can you be so su—"

Jimin's hands fall from your face, interrupting you mid-sentence as your eyes flutter rapidly to adjust to sight. Your jaw drops. "Oh my god," you whisper. "Jimin..."

It's that beach house. The same exact one that you two had visited way back when. The embarrassing night (if you recall correctly) when Jimin had quite sweetly apologized for 'sexually harassing' you. Your face reddens at the thought, and you quickly force yourself to admire the rest of your surroundings.

From outside, you can see the hundreds of little candles placed inside the house, lighting up the premises and warming your heart. There are even scented candles leading the way up to the front door. It smells like mint, and a flowery aroma you can't recall the name of.

"I remembered you like this place," Jimin says in a husky voice dripping with rich honey. He takes your hand, guiding you over and unlocking the door to the charming vacation home.

"It was beautiful," you whisper, eyes trained on the hundreds of flickering candles in front of the dimly lit ocean waters. "Even more so now."

Jimin smiles, his pillowy lips stretching perfectly across his glowing face as he tugs you into the house. "Good," he says, "we're here to make even more beautiful memories."

"Memories of what?" You cock your head, staring into your boyfriend's eyes that reflected the dancing embers of the candlelight.

"You'll see." And with that, he pulls you away to one of the larger bedrooms, following the pathway that the candles had offered.

You gasp once you enter the room. With the lack of sophisticated description, you could say that a fucking rose threw up in there. There are scarlet petals sprinkled meticulously across the dimly lit bedroom. Some incense burns in the corner, welcoming you with a sweet, floral fragrance. An aureate bed rests in the middle of the commodious chamber—your favorite kind of bed too, you might add—fluffy-looking with clean, white sheets.

The space takes your breath away. It's nothing like anything you've ever imagined. Romance writers take this!

"Do you like it?" Jimin whispers, nuzzling you from behind.

"Like would definitely be an understatement," you breathe, eyes still glued to the overwhelming scenery. "You planned all of this?"

"More or less," he mutters, tenderly nudging you towards the grand bed. Taking the hint, you flop down on the soft mattress, immediately assuming your natural position of looking like a human starfish. The sheets feel too silky against your hands, almost as if you were undeserving of touching such a delicate object. But it's absolutely perfect.

"God, Jiminie, this is so romantic."

You giggle, reaching out for your boyfriend's hand to pull him onto the bed. He complies, lying right by your side with your hands intertwined. It's silent for a while as you drink in your surroundings, attempting to engrave everything into your memories.

Then: "I'm thinking..." Jimin murmurs, interrupting your own thoughts.

"Really?" you giggle. "Usually one thinks quietly," you tease, rubbing small circles on the back of Jimin's hand.

Your boyfriend pouts as he turns on his side to face you. "At least ask me what I was thinking about." How can you resist when he's looking at you like that?

"Alright, alright, what were you thinking about?"

"You."

"Well, I am the only one here, and—"

"How I want you," Jimin quickly interrupts, his voice low, husky and sultry.

You giggle, moving over to wrap your arms around your boyfriend and burying your face into his warm chest. "But I'm right here!" you protest.

"But Y/N, I need you..." Jimin whispers, slowly pushing you back while maintaining eye contact. His look reflects back to your perception, and you can see the burning desire in them. Your stomach drops low.

Oh.

That look, with all that burning desire. It's what most people would call bedroom eyes. You would've never thought you'd see them up close, in real life. But here you are.

"Do you want me too?" His voice brings chills down your spine, and you gulp.

"No... I need you," you answer softly.

Jimin grins, wrapping a secure arm around you as he moves in. You don't have a second to breathe as his lips engulf yours. He kisses you slowly and sensually, both of your lips pulling and pushing in sync.

It's just the right amount of love and lust.

And when his tongue finds its way into your mouth, the wet figure slightly grazing your lips, you let out a weak breath. Noticing, Jimin smiles against the kiss, pulling away slightly just to flip you over.

"Jimin!" you shriek as your back hits the soft mattress.

Your boyfriend just gives you a breathtaking smile before crawling on top of you. He waits until you impatiently tug on his collar, bringing him in for another intense kiss. In acknowledgment, Jimin lightly bites your bottom lip, then traces his tongue over the bitten mark to soothe it, leaving you writhing beneath him.

He seems to like your response, hand reaching up to tilt your chin slightly upwards, everso deepening the kiss. Your tongues battle for the long-desired dominance, but in your case, winning the competition (that even proceeds to continue in the bedroom).

But even so, everything's taken to leisure and behind every sensual action is love.

You don't want to pull away, you don't want it to stop. Yet you're human and you need some damn thing called oxygen. "Ah, fuck." You softly detach your mouth from Jimin's lips wet as you gasp for breath.

Jimin chuckles. "Already?"

Your face burns at the memory that had happened early senior year, back when you hadn't known you would fall in love with the man above you. But then it hits you. "Wait, really?!"

"No, Y/N," Jimin undertones, giving you a quick peck. "We're not fucking."

"Oh, good. 'Cause I—"

"We're making love."

"Oh." You pause. "Oh."

Jimin notices your hesitation, cupping your cheeks with his hands and he gazes lovingly into your eyes. "You can always tell me to stop."

"N-No. Don't stop. It's just... I'm... Well... Oh fuck it,"  you mumble the last part under your breath. "I'm a goddamn virgin, Jimin."

Your boyfriend nods. "I know, Y/N. We'll go slow. You know, with an extra side of immense love..." He pauses to see if you're comfortable, tucking in a strand of sweaty hair that clings onto your face behind your ear. "Make me stop when you want it to stop."

You can't help but nod, head reeling with all sorts of thoughts. Then, your legs turn to jelly as your boyfriend leans away to start unbuttoning his shirt. That little shit. He's doing it tantalizingly slow, making sure you get ever glimpse of his smooth, toned muscles.  His eyes never leave yours, even when he's lingeringly inching his shirt down, revealing more and more skin.

You think you might go crazy.

"You've seen me shirtless before." Jimin has a proud grin etched on his face, seemingly proud that you're admiring his body in awe.

You sigh quickly, averting your eyes for your own innocence. "Yeah, but not in bed," you mutter.

Your boyfriend chuckles lowly, rushing in to meet your lips. "There's a first time for everything," he breathes heavily against your mouth. You'd normally nod your head in agreement but your thoughts are a bit occupied at the moment. Especially when Jimin's hands are tugging at the hem of your blouse. "Can I?" he murmurs.

Oh god.

You nod weakly, watching as Jimin carefully starts unbuttoning your blouse. He gingerly slides the silky material off of your shoulders, flinging it behind his back afterward. Instinctively, you cross your arms over your bare stomach, averting your eyes off to the dark ocean waters as Jimin's warm hands tenderly dance across your shoulders. It feels so embarrassing to be half-naked in front of someone—even if you're madly in love with the man.

Your boyfriend notices, smiling warmly at you as he pecks your cheek. "Hey, hey, don't be embarrassed. You're beautiful to me no matter what. Don't hide yourself."

"Sorry, I just..." you trail off as you make eye contact with Jimin, cheeks tinging pink. "I have no fucking idea what I'm doing."

Jimin laughs. "No one ever does when they're thinking too much of it. Just go with the flow, don't think. Your mind might not know, but your body does; let that guide you..." His sultry voice does wonders. You don't understand how it's possible to have become weaker than you were before.

Goddamn.

You shock yourself when you tug Jimin back in, his lips crashing down on yours. He groans against the contact, hands fluttering south to graze against his belt. Your stomach drops low. Damn. It's really happening.

"You good?" Jimin mutters against your lips. "Too fast?"

You shake your head. "No it's good," you breathe, gripping his arm as his fingers work to unbuckle the belt. Time seems to slow down as he slips the black band from his jeans, tossing it off the bed.

You can hear your own heavy pants, and gasp when you feel something hot graze against your jeans.

"Sorry, I—" Jimin stutters, shifting above you. But that only makes his (god forbid) boner dig into your inner thigh. Quite unholily.

"O-Oh my god," you stutter as Jimin buries his face into the crevice of your neck. "Park Jimin, your thing inflated." You giggle slightly, cheeks heating up as you feel it chafe against your jeans. "Just thought you ought to know."

Your boyfriend grunts, pouting against your neck. "I'm aware," he says softly, shifting weight from his right to his left, making you groan.

"Let's just... continue," you choke out as Jimin has a shit-eating grin on his face above you.

And just like that, Jimin helps you peel the remaining clothing off of each other. (Somehow he miraculously unhooks your bra faster than you ever could.)

You'd say it would be awkward, but it's anything but. Yet your face still burns red and your eyes keep trailing off to look at the ocean. It's not awkward but you feel so bare. You're not cold at all, especially not when Jimin's holding you so close. But you feel... shy. That's the word. You feel shy.

And it's almost as if Jimin can read your mind. "Hey, Y/N, you don't have to be so shy." He leans in, leaving a chaste kiss to the shell of your ear.

You let out a little whine, hands reaching up to cover up your face. "I'm not being shy," you argue. "I dunno. I'm just... I don't know. If you told me we were going to do the deed, I would've taken a longer shower." You pout behind your hands.

"Y/N!" Jimin laughs. "I love you, no matter how much you smell," he says, kissing your exposed forehead as he sniffles his nose to take in your scent. "And you only smell like a delicious meal to me."

You make a face, rolling your eyes from under your palms.

"Aw, c'mon, show me your beautiful face," Jimin coaxes, his sultry voice replaced with bubbly teasing as his warm hands attempt to separate yours from your face.

You huff. "I don't see where you see the beauty," you mutter, finally giving in and uncovering your face. Jimin immediately peppers your face with light kisses.

"What do you mean? I see beauty everywhere," Jimin chuckles, fingers grazing over your collarbone. "And by everywhere, I mean, everywhere," he whispers hotly in your ear, emphasizing the last word. You flush, suddenly feeling the urge to cover up your chest, but you remember you're in safe, loving hands. "Hey," Jimin calls, his fingers running through your hair, "you ready?"

"I... uh..." Your brain turns into mush at that absolute moment. It's a simple yes or no question, but your mind goes blank, and you utter something completely else. "Wait, is it going to hurt?"

Jimin chuckles, raising a cocky brow. "Well, that depends on how much you can take me."

Your eyes enlarge and you almost choke on your own breath. "Damn. I think I just got unaroused."

Your boyfriend rolls his eyes, though a smile peeks out from his lips. You feel the heat of his body lift from you as he slightly pulls away to reach for something on the elegant nightstand. Looking at him with questioning eyes, you wordlessly ask what he was doing.

"Condom," he answers, hands fumbling with the wrapper. You quickly avert your eyes, almost feeling the need to give Jimin some privacy as he deals with the protection. When he's finished, he slowly crawls back onto you, legs on both sides of your body. "Hey," he breathes, running a soft finger over your cheek, "trust me, alright? Don't be nervous, Y/N. I'll be right here the whole time."

You nod, reaching for his hands. He gladly gives them to you, and the two of you interlock both of your hands by each side of your head. His face is so close to yours that you can feel his warm breath escaping from his lips and caressing your pink cheeks.

"I love you, Y/N," Jimin whispers.

If you thought you knew what love looked like before, you were wrong. This. This look is the embodiment of love. How his eyes are slightly hooded from sexual desire, but how they also glisten brightly with all the adoration in the world. It's the look that speaks a million words. A look to say, 'I can't tell you my love enough, so I must show you.'

It's not that he was going to make love. No, with that look, he wants to give love with you. And you're not one to oppose.

Your eyes can't leave Jimin's, savoring the intimate feeling with him and the last moments of what some people might say your purity. "You and me both," you finally manage to breathe.

Jimin gives you a tender smile, hands still tightly intertwined with yours. And with that, your bodies are one.

You gasp from the foreign feeling, toes curling and head throwing back. Your hands subconsciously grip onto Jimin's and he grunts. "Good?"

"O-Oh god, y-yeah," you breathe shakily, closing your eyes as your lips part involuntarily.

You've never been this physically close with another human being. No one's ever gotten permission from you to invade your space so literally, either. But it's this moment in time where you're in pure bliss. Every movement, every breath, every warm pant that falls from both of your lips is euphoric, making up the utopian world you live in every time you're with your love.

And once it all ends and you're cleaned up, Jimin takes you by his side, cuddling you like there's no tomorrow.

"You know," he whispers sleepily in your ear, breath tickling your baby hairs. He kisses the back of your neck as you snuggle up against him, naked back touching his warm chest. "It was my first time tonight too."

You turn your head in shock, then finding your lips inches away from his. "What?" you whisper back.

"Mhm," Jimin hums, pecking your lips and intertwining his bare legs with yours. "First time making love, that is."

It only takes one statement for your mind to flash back to the pleasurable moments you'd shared with your boyfriend. How the once quiet room had become a chamber blossoming with pants, moans and little whispers of endearment. You remember the eyes that Jimin had look at you throughout the night. They had reflected all of your love for him straight back to you. That was the moment when you had known. That was when you'd truly realized this form of unadulterated love was new to your boyfriend as well. Both of you would find your way through the twists and turns of the maze that follows any true relationship, together.

The thought keeps you at peace.

24 is an age you never thought you'd reach.

It's an age old enough to make important decisions. But also an age young enough to get away with doing dumb shit.

You've lived for 24 years. Okay well, 24 years and 220 days to be exact (that's counting 6 leap days). Which is approximately 295.26 months. About 1283 weeks and 5 days. Then 8986 days. Fuck, you're old.

24's the age Jimin was when he met you, therefore it was deemed a magical age and number. Some days you agree with that, some days you don't.

Today though, you full-heartedly agree.

Jimin intertwines his hand with yours, rubbing small circles on the back of it — just the way you like. His strides equal yours, making sure he's walking right next to you, never faster, never slower. He's also wearing an all-black outfit, something that you've mentioned your love for countless times.

And you had left the house together, deciding to walk to the theater to watch Jin's newest play. Your cousin had saved both of you a special seat "on the house," and you were honestly excited to be able to support your cousin (to repay back all the support he had given you in your angsty teen years).

"So, what do you think, Y/N?" Jimin asks, breaking you out of your thoughts.

"Hm?"

"The proof I was talking about for the last ten minutes. Think it's alright to give to my students during winter break?"

"Oh god," you sigh. "I don't know... Nothing screams satanic hell than a five-page double-sided proof. Especially during winter vacation." You look at Jimin for support, squeezing his hand. "You and your students can use a break, you know. Besides, if you assign a five-page proof, you'll have to grade it, and I'm not helping you with that anymore."

"Yeah but —"

"Jiminie, they're college kids. They need to have time to go to parties as much as you need time to hang out with me!" you pout, leaning into your boyfriend convincingly. "Besides, college is stressful as hell."

"Damn." Jimin shakes his head, chuckling. "Ever since you got a job, you act like you have the answer to everything!"

"Oh yeah? Well ever since you became a college professor, you've been giving me less attention!" You swing your linked hands back and forth, grinning wildly. "And for the record, I've always acted like I had the answer to everything."

Jimin scoffs, a teasing smile spreading across his face. "Fine. Whatever, but ever since you turned 24, you think you need all the attention in the world!"

"Mhm, yes, sure. But you're just working way harder because you know I make more money than you." You stick out your tongue at your boyfriend. A childish play, but something you know for a fact that Jimin finds absolutely adorable. "Wanna know the exact math? Twenty-one thousand, three hundred and ten more bucks!"

Your boyfriend rolls his eyes. "Y/N, we've gone over this. We share a bank account, therefore we don't need to compete over our salaries."

You huff, slipping your hand away from Jimin's grip to cross your arms disapprovingly. "That's what the lesser money-maker always says but whatever, I gotchu."

"Y/N..." Jimin warns.

God. You know that voice. You know that voice very well. It's the "shut up right now or I'll punish you in the bedroom" voice. And you don't plan on being dominated today, thank you very much.

"Okay, okay," you sigh, playing with the ends of your hair. "I guess I went too far."

"You guess?"

You scoff. "Okay, fine. I know. Feel happy now, Professor?"

Dom-Jimin is replaced with the smiley boyfriend that you know well. "Just call me Jimin, Y/N... Unless you're okay with some role-playing when we get back home."

He whispers the last part in your ear, making the hair on the back of your neck stand tall. "Jimin!" you shriek, slapping your boyfriend's shoulder in shock. "You're not supposed to talk about that... that kind of stuff in public!"

But Jimin's all smiles as he links arms with you, marching you towards the theater.

"What the fuck??" you announce as you march out of the theater still dazed from what you had just witnessed.

"I know," Jimin agrees, shaking his head in disbelief. "Jin did us so fucking dirty."

"I just can't believe he made a whole ass play about us!" you exclaim, throwing up your hands. Passerbys are giving you strange looks but at age 24, you don't give a fuck. "Illegal Love my ass."

"But you've got to admit, people really digged the teacher-student romance," Jimin whispers in your ear, his hands gripping your shoulders. "Who wouldn't? It's the sexiest kink out there."

You flush red, swatting Jimin's arm away. "That's subjective, Professor," you mutter under your breath. "Besides, you and I both know you're only saying that to get in my pants tonight."

"I'd be lying if I said no, Miss Y/N."

Now you know it's gonna be a fun night. 24's the magical age alright.

At least you think it is.

—previous | next (second book of ly trilogy masterpost)

—masterlist

[you-are-my-neverland]

so. it’s finally time to talk about [my] nano.

i’ve kept my nano project pretty under wraps so far, mostly because it’s been out of my hands. i wasn’t actually planning on doing a for real for real nano; instead, i thought i would dedicate some time to my fanfic (spoiler alert, but i haven’t yet) or work on finishing up revising fairbone (spoiler alert: i did revise one chapter, but i still have like half of it left to go and a nov 30 deadline...rip). if that didn’t work, i thought i would pick a wip i started over the summer or one i had half developed (let’s just say the ideas note i have really boomed over the summer and like...yeah). in conclusion, there were many wips ready for me to work on them, including ash heart, which i really want to write but haven’t figured out how to.

instead i started a new wip.

well, it’s not necessarily new, persay. it’s an idea i’ve had stewing since like late september/early october and planned out a good portion of. however, deciding to start it was a last minute decision - and by last decision, i mean that on october 31st i finished developing the barebones of character development and basic plot lol and then gave it a go. it’s honestly been going crazy well. as of today (november 9th), i just hit 21.2k words. i’m hopeful about this year, while also not wanting to jinx stuff, but like...wow. but writing is has made me realize that, wow, this book is going to be crazy long probably...like i’m 21k words in and we’re still like in the exposition idk what’s going on. but hey, i finished planning out the rest of the basic plot for it today!!!

right. onto the wip details.

honestly, the only reason i haven’t introduced this wip is because a) i want actual stuff done on it and like a proven commitment, because i feel like too often i introduce wips i don’t actually go anywhere with and i hate it, b) i don’t have a set title and c) i actually have no idea how to summarize this.

the novel i’m working on right now is the first of a projected trilogy. i say projected because i have a vague idea that it belongs to a trilogy, but like not a lot of plot except some vaguely connected ideas that should happen in the future. in it, i used a lot of characters from these violent ends, which i tried to write for camp april 2020, but like just their basic barebones; i changed a lot to fit the story, of course. 

not to sound nerdy, but it is like....harry potter inspired, but ONLY in the magical boarding school sense. of course, right now all i have is magical boarding school shenanigans, which i don’t really like because i feel like it unfairly sets the book up as like fun magical stuff when it’s really about murder & politics & student activism (+ a lot of other things ending in -ism). the whole activism part came from watching the trial of the chicago 7 and i was like, bingo, this is what this story needs. 

kay but ANYWAYS. onto the story. like i said, i can’t really summarize it, but there are lots of themes of classism, feminism, the affect on youth and youth’s effect, manipulative adults, revolution, terrorism, sibling dynamics and found family vibes, like all that stuff...packaged into a magical boarding school off the coast of maine setting...recipe for disaster!

mainly i’ve been writing in ophelia’s pov, because she’s my main girl and she’s problematic, but also she’s trying her best and just having a little difficulty fitting in. some other main characters are her twin brother, sebastian, and two other boys, asriel and vincent, who have an initially animistic relationship with ophelia (& kind of each other?) but it’s like enemies to friends (to lovers?).

anyways. here are some carefully curated excerpts below the cut:

i. vincent and asriel meet on a train (ch. 1)

The boy pursed his lips together. “It’s unusual,” he said, finally. “That’s all.” But he was looking at Vincent as if he was noticing him, which meant he was lying, or at least withholding the truth about something. He added, “You’re not from around here, are you?”

“Do you mean geographically?” Vincent replied, raising an eyebrow. “Because I’m from New York.”

A small glimmer of a smile appeared on the boy’s lips, though it vanished as quickly as it had come. “From the Magical World,” he clarified. 

“What gives it away?” Vincent asked sarcastically, waving a hand across his body. “My impeccable taste?”

“Among other things,” the boy said.

ii. sebastian and ophelia discuss grief on a ferry (ch.2 )

“You and mom talked?” Ophelia asked, surprised. She hadn’t exactly been keeping track of them, but she was sure she and Sebastian had spent much of the day together, as they were wont to do.

Sebastian looked at the floor. “Yeah,” he answered, hoarsely. “At least she wants to talk about Des. Dad doesn’t, and neither do you.”

Ophelia sighed, wondering why, today of all days, her sister was haunting them. Maybe it was because there should have been three people heading to Rijevduct, instead of two. Maybe Mother Magic was reminded of the loss of one of her own. 

“I’ve let her go,” she said. “You should too. We have too much of our lives ahead of us to mourn Desdemona forever.”

“I don’t mourn,” Sebastian said, words uncharacteristically sharp. “But I do grieve.”

“Isn’t that basically the same thing,” Ophelia mumbled, closing her eyes and feeling the press of a headache behind them. 

“Sorrow,” Sebastian said, the word a soft shudder. “And sad endings.”

“What?” 

“That’s what makes a good tragedy,” Sebastian answered. “I read it in a book.”

iii. headmistress alexeyev gives a speech (ch. 2)

“Eight years ago, seventy two students were slaughtered here. Some died on the very spot where you now stand today.” Ophelia glanced down at the floor, seeing the motion repeated instinctively around her as well. She looked over at Sebastian, who had closed his eyes instead, a pale flush meeting the faint color in his cheeks. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, tennis shoes scraping against stone as he toed them against the floor, as if he was shaking something only visible to him off.

“It was a tragedy,” Headmistress Alexeyev continued. “I say this because it is the truth. It was a tragedy, and not one that should never have happened.” She inhaled; Ophelia saw her chest rise, shoulders with it, in a sharp motion before she exhaled, body rearranging itself into poise once more. “I speak of this to tell you to assure you that Rijevduct is safe. I know there have been continuous doubts over the security of this school since that day eight years ago. I cannot, of course, guarantee that you will not come to any harm here. I cannot tell you that Rijevduct is the safe haven you were taught it was growing up; events have already proved that it is, in fact, not as impenetrable as one might think.”

Ophelia frowned, confused as to the line of reasoning. She had thought the whole point of the year of transition was to make sure that Rijevduct was infinitely more safer than it had been—and they had all been under the assumption that Rijevduct was virtually impenetrable until the massacre, which had led to the heightened security measures they saw today.

“I can, however, promise you that I, and everyone here today, will do anything in their power to keep you safe,” the Headmistress said. Next to Ophelia, Briar bowed her head, lowering her eyes and swallowing, the action almost a convulsion of her throat and mouth. Ophelia brushed her hand, lightly, in question, and the other girl just shook her head, looking away purposefully, so that Ophelia lost sight of her face and her sad eyes.

“These next three years will be far from easy. Gone are the sheltered lives where your parents could kiss your injuries goodbye, or sing you to sleep at night. Rijevduct is far from the cold, real world, but it is close enough when it comes to not asking you what you want first. This is an adjustment period. This is learning how to survive—and I will tell you this; surviving means many different things to many different people. You will have to decide on your own what this will mean for you, and how you will apply what you are taught here to your futures. Be wise. Be proud. Be humble. Cry. Laugh. Live. As your Headmistress, I, along with your professors, will be here throughout your time.” She raised her glass, “To the worthy,” and then drank, turning and walking back to her seat, which she lowered herself into gracefully.

iv. sebastian pov! (ch. 3)

There was a dead girl in Sebastian’s first period Magical Theory class. She was sitting diagonal from him, on the Glass side of the classroom, in an empty chair, staring straight ahead at the chalkboard. Sebastian tried not to look at her too obviously, his eyes straying from the open book in front of him to her cautiously, beneath the sleeve of his sweater.

She was sitting blankly in the chair, scraping her shoes against the ground, though they could not leave any scuff marks. Though she was the same faded shades most girls were, Sebastian could make out her pleated pale blue plaid skirt, which brushed around her knees, and the stained white blouse that might have once been spotless, but had been marred forever by the circumstances surrounding her death—objectively, that was to say, with blood. Her dark brown hair fell into loose curls around her shoulders, little silver studs glinting dimly, unable to catch the light. Her knee high socks now pooled around her calves and ankles, revealing a rotting bandaid on one of her knees. One of her tennis shoes was peeling at the toes, looking as if it had been ripped apart. 

Her fingernails had all been pulled off. Sebastian was good at analyzing ghosts by this point; he recognized the bloody flesh and bone of the nail bed. There was also blood matted across her head, trickling down her temple, with bruises covering her body; they peeked out from beneath the collar of her shirt, blackened across her cheekbones with a sunken quality in particular to one of her cheeks, as if the bone had begun to cave.

Subjectively, she was far from one of the worst that Sebastian had seen.

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 28 of 26

Title: The Only Good Indians (2020) 

Author: Stephen Graham Jones 

Genre/Tags: Horror, Fiction, Third-Person, Second-Person, Female Protagonist (kinda).

Rating: 6/10

Date Began: 10/5/2020

Date Finished: 10/11/2020

Almost a decade ago, four Blackfeet Indian men went on a hunting trip. They did something terrible on that day, which they now call the Thanksgiving Classic. As the ten-year anniversary of the event approaches, the three remaining men have moved on with their lives -- but the past has come back to haunt them in a disturbing and vengeful way. 

First, though, one of their calves is sitting in eighth-grade geography-- girl, girl girl girl, not “calf”. And this girl has this certain father you remember, and that father, he has a friend you remember well, from looking up a long snowy slope, their monstrous forms black against the sky. 

For them, ten years ago, that’s another lifetime. 

For you it’s yesterday. 

Some spoilers under the cut. 

This is the first full novel I’ve ready by Stephen Graham Jones, but I did actually read a short story by him in The Devil and the Deep, a collection I read earlier this year. “Broken Record” is a horror story about a man trapped on a desert island, but with an interesting premise/twist that I don’t want to spoil. So I had one of his novels, Mongrels, on my TBR, but decided to go with this one when I saw it making the rounds. 

I feel kinda bad giving The Only Good Indians a 6, because there are some things I really, really like about this novel. But as a whole, I have to be honest with myself and how I feel about it, and that’s a pretty accurate score. There are certain elements that don’t work for me. While some of this is due to personal taste, several of my issues are with the execution. 

To start off, things I love about the novel. The Only Good Indians is separated into three parts, each of which is a distinct story connected to the others. The first part, “The House that Ran Red” knocks it out of the park. It’s a creepy and self-contained psychological horror story about a man named Lewis (one of the four) who is especially haunted by the hunting trip of ten years ago. Specifically, he remembers killing a young, pregnant female elk. His guilt and shame about what he did to her torment him to this day. As the decade anniversary approaches, he begins to see things around his home in Great Falls, Montana, and descends into paranoia and anxiety that overwhelms his otherwise happy home life. Things get more disturbing and surreal the further into this part one gets, and I really dig it; especially the shocking and fucked up ending. (Side bar: I love that there’s an “ordinary” explanation for everything that happens, except for one little detail at the end that proves supernatural shit was going on. I eat that kind of stuff right up). 

One criticism I’ve seen of this novel is that it really toes the line between horror and literary fiction. However, I think that’s a huge credit in this first part. Jones does an excellent job playing with tension; he makes me juuust feel comfortable with these characters and their ordinary lives before suddenly introducing something weird and fucked up. While tension is a hallmark of horror, Jones masters it so well here that I have to admire the execution. In addition, there’s something totally cinematic about this part (and, to be fair, many parts later on). It’s hard to describe, but there’s a lot of visuals that I’d love to see adapted to a comic book or video form because I can just picture the shots. 

At its heart, The Only Good Indians becomes more slasher horror than anything else. But the monster at the core of this, Elk Head Woman, is really well-written and interesting. Convincingly making an elk mother a creepy, violent avatar of vengeance and death is fucking impressive. It’s pretty rare that the monster gets a point of view, but Elk Head Woman is a full-fledged perspective character with her own motivations for what she’s doing. I think second-person was a great choice for her narration. Paradoxically, it manages to be both jarring and smooth with the rest of the story (”wow, ‘you’? we’re doing that?” vs “that second-person snippet really blends with the third-person narration, huh?”). I find these flairs really cool, and Jones totally nails a challenging style.  

So, high praise for the above, but unfortunately I just didn’t vibe with the second part of the novel, “Sweat Lodge Massacre”. For story reasons, it stars a totally different cast of characters than the first part. Unfortunately, this means much of the page is concerned with introducing these new characters and giving them backstories and motivations. So horror gets cast aside, and the pacing just tanks at this part. Sure, there are periodic slips into second-person to remind the reader the horror element is still in the story, but this doesn’t pay off until the very end. And when it does, it’s just not worth all the setup and wait. 

I think my main issue comes down to personal taste in horror. “The House that Ran Red” primed me for psychological horror with gory asides. That’s just not the case in “Sweat Lodge Massacre”, in which the horror is largely absent until the end, then is pretty much just violence and gore. Thematically, it doesn’t make sense to me that Elk Head Woman is the monster in this part. Lewis’ part, sure -- he’s haunted by what he did to her, specifically. But Gabe and Cass, the leads in part two, lack this. They aren’t haunted by the Thanksgiving Classic, at least not in a way that’s explored in the novel. So to have Elk Head Woman commit vengeance on men who barely even remember why is just disappointing. It comes off as senseless violence and death without the symbolic punch of “The House that Ran Red”. It’s a shame because Elk Head Woman is such an interesting monster/character and she feels wasted here. 

Part three, “It Came From The Rez” is fine-- mostly an extended chase scene that manages to be engaging all the way through. I love how everything loops back and ties together at the end, but honestly don’t have much to say about the part other than that; it’s pretty short. 

I don’t know, I think this novel just needed more time in the oven to really refine certain things. There are lots of ideas I wish were explored further -- parenthood, the whole elk/train thing, and so on. I’m also a little confused about the timeline. Ricky, one of the four, gets killed off in the prologue. But his death doesn’t really track with the book’s explanation on why everything is happening ten years after the Thanksgiving Classic. I don’t know, I could be digging too deep. But I can see the potential in this novel through its excellent first part and wish I felt that way about the rest of it. 

If you’re interested in reading The Only Good Indians, please be advised there’s a lot of graphic violence, gore, and death-- both animal and human. If you’re into slasher horror this might be more up your alley than it was mine. Stephen Graham Jones is a good writer, don’t get me wrong, so if this story sounds like your kind of thing, give it a shot.