#THIS IS THE KIND OF DOPAMINE I NEEDED

[inkskinned]

today i love the red metal crane in her long neck arching her body over the boston skyline, which means i am okay for a moment. when i am unwell, everything is a little ugly. i always tell myself look for the beauty but when it is bad, i will look at birds and sunsets and little ducklings and feel absolutely nothing.

when my brother got his puppy, i was in a deep depression. what kind of monster isn't affected by a puppy. i was gentle and kind to her - i just didn't have an emotional reaction. she's five now and i feel like i spend all of our interactions apologizing to her - i don't know why. i just didn't feel anything. how embarrassing. i feel like if i admit that, i'll seem cruel and jaded. it comes in waves. like, two months ago when i went out into the world - it was like that. life behind a pane of stormglass. a firework could go off over your head - nothing. like dead skin, no reaction. not to ice cream or rainbows or baby chickens. life foggy and uninteresting.

i love goslings again. i love their little webbed feet splayed over grass. i love good food and live music and long walks. i like puppies. i feel like some kind of my soul has been starved - i keep staring at everything with wide eyes, trying to burrow the sensation into my stomach. it's real. beauty is real. when it's bad again, remember this. i stop and smell the flowers, feeling cliche in the moment. i like the white-to-red ombre of my neighbor's roses. i like colorcoding and yoga and cold drinks. i try to pass my hands over every moment, feeling like i'm squeezing joy out of every instant. remember this. for the love of god, it's real - just remember this.

[majesticartax]

NEW FIC IN THE WORKS

cw: a/b/o elements

feat: alpha kags and beta hinata and a pro karasuno team

i’ve talked about this like once before but i need everyone to know that i think about this every day and i’m DYINNNGGGGGGG to write it!

Here is a very long preview:

okay so beta hinata is tasked with being the team’s [*googles: what’s a nicer term for “cum dump”*] for all the alpha team members, which encompasses literally all 24 of them. it’s an exclusively alpha team, aside from hinata, and they are one of the top team in their league, right up there with the other exclusive alpha teams. it’s a great honor to be the chosen beta for an alpha team! not only does he get to play with top players, but he gets to be fucked by some of the most gorgeous guys in volleyball! what a deal! in this world, each team has a beta to babysit the alpha players through their ruts, and it’s absolute gospel that the betas are treated well. they are PEOPLE, not fleshlights. if ever a beta is mistreated, the player is immediately ejected from the team. but that being said, it isn’t like the alphas are obligated to care about a beta’s pleasure, and hinata is usually left to jerk himself off once it’s over. not that he minds, really. it’s just a part of the job. he knows what he signed up for.

anyway, hinata is living his best life, except there is ONE team member who refuses to use his services. hinata can’t figure out what kageyama’s problem is. especially since the two of them are the most compatible players on the team when it comes to their playing styles. they’re basically partners on the court! but kageyama will NOT fuck him. and like… none of the players are obligated to use hinata during their ruts - he’s providing a comfort to those in need, and if they do not NEED, then he doesn’t provide. but why is it ONLY kageyama!? hinata tries not to let it hurt his feelings, but it definitely bothers him. in fact, kageyama seems to avoid him when they aren’t playing together. and, okay, maybe it hurts his feelings like a LOT. like A LOT a lot. because MAYBE hinata happens to be in love with him. maybe.

maybe.

But what’s weird is that betas aren’t supposed to be able to fall in love. they aren’t even supposed to feel feelings of love outside of familial and friendship kind of love - like biologically speaking, betas can’t have romantic feelings. it’s even illegal for betas to mate. so not only is hinata in love with someone who apparently hates him, but he has to contend with the fact that there might be something wrong with him.

AND THEN ONE DAY:

kageyama is clearly struggling hard during one of their practices, so hinata asks him if he needs anything, and he’s promptly grabbed and dragged into the equipment room. and hinata is like FINALLY, but kageyama just… holds hinata, hugging him from behind, and hinata can feel how hard he is. he can actually feel his knot through his shorts. but then kageyama just releases him and runs out after a hurried apology, leaving hinata terribly confused and breathless and with a raging hard-on. and then that sort of thing keeps happening. hinata tries to ask kageyama about it, but he’s being even more avoidant than usual.

UNTIL ONE DAY.

kageyama pulls him to their usual spot and hinata just closes his eyes and tries to enjoy the fleeting feeling of being wrapped in kageyama’s arms, all the while knowing that it will be over soon. only this time it… goes on much longer. hinata can feel kageyama’s breath against his ear and he can feel how hard his heart is beating against his back. kageyama even whimpers a few times and starts grinding against hinata’s ass. and then hinata is being bent over a big stack of mats. he gasps and arches his back, sticking his ass out out of habit. but… kageyama doesn’t pull his shorts down like the other alphas do, but he drapes himself over hinata’s back. he’s breathing all roughly and raggedly against hinata’s neck, pressing himself hard into the cleft of hinata’s ass. and then he does something that no alpha has ever done before - kageyama reaches down the front of hinata’s shorts and grabs his swollen, aching cock. and hinata doesn’t know what’s happening. he cries out, arching back into kageyama as kageyama’s big rough hands drags up and down his slick shaft. hinata’s heart hurts despite this being the most amazing moment of his life and his head is spinning. he doesn’t understand why kageyama would choose to make him feel good rather than just fucking him like everyone else. he’s so confused. but when kageyama buries his face in hinata’s hair and whispers his name, hinata comes so hard he thinks his spine is going to snap. kageyama comes right after, rutting against hinata’s backside and drenching both of their shorts.

it’s quiet for a few moments aside from the sound of their panting, and then kageyama stands up suddenly, spinning hinata around by the shoulders. and he looks at hinata. he looks at him HARD. his mouth opens like he’s about to say something, but instead he just turns away and stalks towards the door. but before he leaves he looks back and roughly tells hinata’s to stay where he is.

hinata is shaking like a leaf in the wind. his knees are weak. there is cum dripping down the front AND back of his legs. and his heart is about to explode into a thousand pieces of it doesn’t calm the fuck down.

kageyama returns a couple minutes later with a spare pair of his own shorts, a full water bottle, and a towel.

“lie back, dumbass,” he says. and hinata does, eyes wide and confused and glued to kageyama’s face. and it’s now that kageyama peels his ruined shorts down, shimmying them over his hips as hinata reflexively lifts his butt off the mat to facilitate it. but his eyes never leave kageyama’s face. the other man blushes as he squirts water from the water bottle onto the towel. his brow is firmly pinched. he looks angry, but hinata doesn’t feel that anger directed towards him. and when kageyama reaches the towel towards hinata’s smeared, sticky skin, hinata grabs his wrist. kageyama jumps a little, finally looking up at hinata’s face.

“what are you doing?” hinata’s voice feels as sticky as his thighs. the words croak out of him. and kageyama blinks away, shaking his head.

“just hold still,” kageyama mumbles as he starts to wipe hinata down. the water is warm. it feels so good that tears well up in hinata’s eyes as kageyama gently cleans him.

“you don’t have to do this,” hinata rasps.

“i know,” kageyama says back.

hinata goes home wearing kageyama’s shorts. and he’s already decided that he’s not getting them back.

and then things go back to normal. for a while. kageyama goes back to dealing with his ruts by himself and hinata gets used by the other players. but hinata can’t stop thinking about what kageyama did to him. did FOR him. it makes his throat tight and his chest ache horribly. it makes him feel hot. every day he feels hotter and hotter whenever he thinks about it. he starts feeling dizzy when he thinks back to how carefully kageyama cleaned him up, how his furrowed brow would smooth out every once in a while as he dragged the warm towel over hinata’s thighs. he aches in weird places when he remembers the look in kageyama’s dark blue eyes when he spun him around and held him by the shoulders. and he can swear his skin still burns where kageyama’s hands were on him…

and then one day, hinata feels…

different.

..

i seriously cannot wait to start writing this.

[erraticprocrastinator]

More random writing stuff: As much as I love to pre-plan and plot out what happens in my stories, I also love it when I encounter natural breaks when writing. It sort of helps breathe life back into the hobby for me. Oh, this part should really just end here? Cool. This scene could actually be done from the next POV? Even better than my original plan. Turns out I was struggling to write this because it was dragging on without me realising? The whole thing just flows so much better now. Sometimes it’s just great when my brain throws a little spontaneity into the mix. I’ve come to realise that outlines are best viewed as a guide and not step-by-step instructions.

[sysig]

I think I finally figured out why I like him so much

[bright-and-burning]

oh my god i just saw a post that reminded me of what happened on my way home. ok so let me preface this with i don’t even think i want kids. certainly not for another decade AT LEAST ok. (i had to do some math there to make sure that made sense akdjskdh) and this was like a really and truly insane moment for me. like i acknowledge this. BUT

at the stop i was waiting at to get on the train there was a woman who had exactly the same hair as me (quite common tbh) w a man who looked Weirdly like this guy i was . chatting . with last weekend (who i like. don’t Actually “”have a crush on”” i just enjoy entertaining my own attraction to people. if that makes sense). and they had this ADORABLE like 18 month old and the bottom of their stroller was packed with cool art pieces they were taking home and i had this awful moment of yearning and then i was like ??? bitch ??? you don’t even want kids. AND you don’t even like. actually know that guy very well since you’ve only talked like four times in the last 3 years.

[dayurno]

who up wanting to. cook kevin day delicious chicken and veggies curry

[sageofthestarz]

Every time I think I'm losing my ghost hyper fixation I just go and listen to a live Pinnacle to the pit that made me fall in love with the vocals and start looking into the ghouls and thus found the community

[leadendeath]

GRAAGAHAGAHHA I WON AN EBAY AT THE LAST SECOND!!!

nothin like that ^ scenario to get the heart workin (who am i kidding, my heart goes fast at everything :/ )

extra “Win Dopamine” came from the fact there was a power outage locally, and my phone was not on a good % charged so i had to use my laptop’s battery power, and no wi-fi meant i had to use phone data to use the internet but there is very little signal round here (lives in middle of nowhere) so i did that thing where u go outside and hold phone aloft dramatically BUT IT WORKED! MASSIVE LITTLE FREAK WIN‼️‼️

[thethingything]

we have an especially bad migraine where I noticed us getting aura (mostly being pissed off and upset in a specific way) for several hours before it started and we've taken pain meds but I'm not sure they've actually helped. they have definitely given us side effects though and I feel very spaced out and nauseous and generally shit.

we've also had way worse ADHD symptoms for the last few days to the point of being pretty much unable to focus on anything besides like 2 things we've hyperfixated on. we've had so much trouble starting tasks and keep struggling to hold a train of thought or focus long enough to even figure out what we need to do each day despite having all our Habitica dailies to tell us.

our brain is all over the place and I'm not really sure what to do with it or what would help but it's just occurred to me that sometimes our ADHD gets really bad in the buildup to some of our worst migraines and now I'm just hoping that both the migraine and other shit ease off soon because I'd like to be able to function

[totally-italy]

I never thought the day would come where I would be mutuals with the entire country of Italy

The irony here is that, considering as you are simply an anonymous human being on the other side of my computer screen, I have no idea whom I have the honour of being mutuals with!

[lucyvaleheart]

.

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

I just misread a post as

“just because I came prepared it doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing”

And I actually like that better than the original

[vamptastic]

getting sick of the antipsych crowd. yeah lemme just dismantle capitalism to make all my problems go away. unmedicated.

[farawayfromdryland]

here's the thing. it used to be that you could take a bad book and make a pretty decent movie, or even a very good movie. or you take a good book and make, also, a good movie, just beware the decrying hoards of readers with expectations. now, nowadays...well

[sysig]

VUXisms (Patreon)

[orcelito]

listen it's late and i shouldve been in bed an hour ago but im just so profoundly grateful to have ppl that love my fic enough that they let me know it. leaving comments, being sweet & positive & supportive. u guys r the best. amazing encouragement. i wanna give u the world