#THIS WAS IN MY DRAFTS FOR LIKE A MONTH AND IM STILL SCRATCHING AT THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE

[thatcoyperson]

IM WRITING THIS A SOLID TWO DAYS AFTER SECRET LIFE ENDS AND I JUST HAD A HORRIBLE THOUGHT. NO IDEA IF THE TIMELINES EVEN GONNA LINE UP- LIKE WE MIGHT GET OTHER SCAR CONTENT IN BETWEEN THE ENDING OF SL AND THE START OF S10 BUT I NEED TO PUT THIS SOMEWHERE (Hi Tumblr I'm posting it cause S10 is starting soon)

So. We all know how Scar didn't die at the end of Secret Life right, he won and then his episode ended, implying that he was still just. On the world. And Martyn did the whole stream where he said Scar was basically stuck there pressed the button in a desperate attempt to escape until he either dies or another death game starts, right?

So just- hear me out with this one.

The ending of SL lines up pretty well with the ending of HC S9, similar to how the start of Third Life lined up with the ending of S7, and it ending like... A week or smth before S8 started, so timeline wise it just makes sense for everyone from Third Life to just end up in S8 once it ends and miss the ending of S7.

So like. What if something similar happens with this, except Scar is the only one who goes straight from SL to S10. Why? Because he was stuck slowly wasting away in Secret Life.

We're gonna have a month or so gap in between S9 and S10 from what I've heard, so I'm just imagining everyone else getting to be at the ending of S9 and while Scars stuck trying to escape or just die in SL, and he doesn't manage to get out until S10 starts

IM GONNA FUCKING. THROW UP I HATE MY OWN BRAIN. THESE THOUGHTS ARE SO SCATTERED BUT DO YOU SEE MY VISION

[kzrosa-writes]

remnants of a lost love for a ghost | dottore x reader

prompt: after four hundred years, you are reunited with your past lover, except he wasn't the same person you used to know

notes: angst, no happy ending, mentions of blood and swords, mentions of death n killing each other, dottore is an emotional mess, aether is the traveler, more angst

a/n: this has been in my drafts for almost a month... i am proud to say i finally finished it! im such a softy for dottore so it was hard to write something so sad for him 😭💔

word count: 6k

Dottore had never been one to fall in love. He always had his priorities straight: his experiments, his role as the Second Fatui Harbinger, and his pursuit of knowledge. Everyone knew Dottore as the cold-hearted, cruel and apathetic Second Harbinger, a man who values the results of his atrocious, unethical experiments over the lives of humans.

Yet, he found himself frozen in place as he stood before you, the only person he had ever loved. You held yourself with grace and confidence, striding towards him from across the snowy lands of Snezhnaya. You held your sword firmly in your right hand, the tip of the metal grazing against the ground below you with each step you took. An old memory from his past, his lover during his time in the Sumeru Akademiya, was now standing right in front of his very eyes.

Y/N L/N... You were known as the prodigious traveller who fought alongside the legendary traveller Aether — you were the Fatui's most formidable enemy, and the very person that he was meant to fight and kill.

Dottore could feel his chest tighten at the sight of you. It had been over four centuries since he had last heard of or seen you after he had been expelled from the Akademiya for his immoral and unethical experiments. You still looked as beautiful as he remembered all those centuries ago, although much has changed about you. Your once-pristine skin was now decorated with scratches and battle scars, a reminder of the battles you had fought and a reminder of how you got to where you were now. You now adorned a black rose insignia on your waist, a mark that signified your affiliation with the Fatui's most formidable rival organisation.

However, what didn't change was the burning sparks of determination and resolution in your eyes. It was something he could never forget, no matter how many times he tried to forget about you. His eyes lingered all over your figure, his gaze landing on a flower in your hair. It was a Kalpalata Lotus, the very flower Dottore had gifted you during your days in the Akademiya. He still remembered the ebullient smile on your face, how effervescent you had been when he had gifted you the flower. He still remembered all the hours he had spent perfecting the preservation process, ensuring that the flower was perfect, just for you.

He had to hold himself back, to resist the tantalising urge to reach out to you and hold you in his arms again. Oh, how he missed the feel of your skin against his own, your warmth seeping into his heart like the old days. But things weren’t the same anymore. He had to remind himself that you weren’t the same person he used to know and that things have changed throughout the past few centuries. He held his breath, attempting to rein in his emotions.

"Y/N..." Dottore called out, his voice betraying the pain in his heart.

You took a few stops closer, your grip on your sword still firm. "Second Harbinger of Snezhnaya... Il Dottore."

He felt his heart shatter into pieces at the sound of your voice calling out to him by his Harbinger title, your tone cold and apathetic. He desperately wanted to break free from his emotions and the restraints of his title, to throw himself into your arms after all these years, but he couldn't.

With a firm step forward, Dottore spoke again, his voice trembling in the slightest. "Y/N... It has been so long. Do you... still remember me?”

The twitch of confusion in your eyes was more than inconspicuous to Dottore. He felt his heart ache with vigour at the lack of recognition from you. Have you forgotten about him? All those years you had spent together in the Akademiya... did they all mean nothing to you? Was his love for you all in vain?

"We... We used to go to the Akademiya together!" Dottore said, his voice cracking in the slightest. "Don't you... Don't you remember?”

At this point, Dottore was desperate for you to remember anything, even if it were the bad memories. It pained him to see how clueless and indifferent you were, how oblivious you were to the anguish and distress in front of you.

Your gaze hardened into one of apathy. "I don't remember attending the Akademiya with a psychopathic heretic."

As the words slipped right out of your mouth, your eyes widened with realisation, as if a memory had been unlocked from within.

“W-Wait.”

Dottore felt his heart being torn apart. He let out a bitter chuckle as he felt your words stabbing into his heart like a knife. Of course, you had remembered him as the heretic of the Akademiya, just as everyone else in the Akademiya had remembered him as the heretic who performed unethical, immoral and dangerous research and experiments, all in the name of science, and to satiate his naive curiosity.

Your breath was now caught in your throat, coming out in ragged and laboured exhales. You shook your head as if you were trying to deny the reality in front of you.

"N-No... This can't be..." The sword that was in your hands was now trembling with uncertainty. "...Zandik."

There it was: Zandik, his real name, one that meant 'heretic'. He couldn't hold back a bitter scoff at the sound of his old name, a name he had tried so desperately to forget, along with the painful memories of his past.

Despite those painful memories, he can never truly forget the memories and times he spent together with you. The memories of your shared time in the Akademiya were now playing like a montage in his head; the images and memories of laughing together, studying in the library together and working on projects, talking about your favourite academic theories and philosophies... He remembered how close the two of you were, how he could make you laugh easily, the lunch breaks you two spent together by the lush field in Sumeru, and the jokes you shared. He remembered the evenings you spent together by his side while picking flowers in the forest, the soft whispers of love and comfort shared with each other, or the stolen kisses in the dimly lit corridors of the Akademiya... how could he ever forget those memories? His heart longed for those days again, when life was much simpler and when all they had to stress about was deadlines.

Now that he was finally in front of you after all those years, he was unsure of what to do. Dottore was on the verge of breaking into tears, his heart swelling with longing and despair at the sight of your disbelief. With shaky hands, he slowly reached for his mask before hesitantly taking it off, revealing his crimson scarlet orbs — a sight you could never forget despite all the years that had passed.

He slowly took a step forward, trying his best not to scare you away. He had to be closer to you to convince himself that you were really there and not just a hallucination. He wanted to say so many things, mutter many apologies, beg for your forgiveness… but nothing could escape his lips.

It took all his willpower and strength not to succumb to his own desires and longing to reach out to you and break down. Rather, he just stood there, staring back at you with a mixture of hope and despair, two opposites of the same spectrum. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to ask of you.

“Y/N… Do you… Do you still have any feelings for me..?”

Your eyes widened in shock, your breath hitching and your grip on your sword tightening more than ever from his unexpected question. You stood frozen in place, unable to move or respond. You had no idea how you were supposed to respond to such a question, especially after finding out that your very enemy and opponent… was the very man you used to love deeply with all your heart and soul. The Fatui Harbinger who had been trying to stop you… was your old lover.

“I-It's… It's been too long.. Zandik. We haven't seen each other… ever since you'd been expelled.”

He closed his eyes shut for a moment, recalling the painful and bitter memories of being expelled and thrown out of the Akademiya, shunned and mocked by everyone. He recalled the feeling of being torn apart, the day he lost everything… including you. It was a day he could never forget, regardless of how much he wanted to. He took a deep breath before opening his eyes, taking one more step further.

“Indeed… It’s been way too long…” He repeated your words, his voice close to a mumble.

He could almost feel how tense you were, how vulnerable and distraught you were. He knew that this was the best opportunity to strike, to end her, to get his mission over with. But no matter how much he screamed at himself to go through with the plan… he couldn't find it in him to do so. He couldn't help himself, he wanted — no, needed — to know your answer. He had to.

“Please, Y/N…” He swallowed anxiously, trying to rein in his emotions. “...Do you still feel anything for me?”

“Are you asking me this as Dottore… or Zandik?”

Dottore's body froze in shock, the question catching him completely off guard. And yet, it was probably the most sensible thing you could ask him. After all, it had been several centuries since you had last seen him. He had changed, and you had too. You knew him as two entirely different people, and he could understand that.

He took a moment to gather his thoughts, hesitantly slightly before replying, “I'm asking you this… as Zandik.”

He knew that this was risky, that his reputation and role as a Fatui Harbinger could be jeopardised by letting his guard down in front of the enemy, but he couldn't care less about the consequences.

You, on the other hand, felt your chest tighten at his words. Your throat was tight, feeling a lump preventing you from breathing properly. Your grip on your sword slowly loosened, your hands trembling ever so slightly.

“I… I do.”

That was it. His heart stopped in his chest at the sound of those two words, your confirmation. Such a simple response, yet it carries so much meaning. It carried all the dreams and fantasies he had always imagined for the past four centuries… It was everything he could have hoped for. And yet, a wave of overwhelming emotions crashed through him like a violent tide in a stormy sea. Just like raging waters, Dottore was suffering an internal maelstrom of relief, joy, hope and desperation. He couldn't believe it. Centuries of desperate longing, of missing you, of mourning your loss in his life… and you were finally here, right in front of him.

He could feel himself slowly moving towards you, his movements in deliberate and shaky steps. It was absolutely excruciating to be so close to you, yet so far. He couldn't help himself, he needed to hold you in his arms again.

But that all came crashing down when he saw you back away, watching you as your grip on your sword trembled with overwhelming shock.

“P-Please…” You begged, your eyes glistening with sorrow and anguish. “..D-Don't.”

He stopped in his tracks, watching you as you backed away. It broke his heart to see that reaction from you, to see how you were clearly struggling to cope with everything. But at the same time, he could hear the desperation in your voice, the plea for him to stay where he was. Somehow… that gave him a small, miniscule amount of hope. He knew that this wasn't going to be an easy conversation, that this would take a lot of courage and strength from the both of you… but he was willing to do it. Anything for you.

He took a deep breath, trying to study himself before speaking again, trying his best to stay grounded and not let his desperation and longing for you show too much.

“Say it again, Y/N. Say it again without any fear, any doubt or any hesitation. Say those words again, and I promise I won't take another step closer to you.” He said, his voice trembling with each word. “Please, Y/N… I need to hear you say it again.”

You exhale shakily, your grip on your sword slowly becoming firmer.

“I… I still love you, Zandik.” You clenched your fist wrapped around the hilt of your sword, your breathing still erratic. “...But you're not Zandik anymore, aren't you?”

His heart clenched when he heard your words, the flicker of hope slowly dying out. It was almost too good to be true. He almost had it, everything he truly wanted, and yet… he knew you were right. He wasn't the same man he used to be in the Akademiya.

“You're… correct.” His voice was soft, almost inaudible. “I'm not Zandik anymore.”

There was no denying it. He was an entirely different person now, and the moments and memories you had shared were too far in the past, so many centuries ago. And yet, the fact that you still felt something for him and confessed your love to him despite all those years apart… he couldn't deny that he still had hope. The fact that you still loved him after all this time, the fact that you hadn't let go of the love you had for him… that was all he cared about in this moment.

Dottore could feel his heart clench and palpitate, his chest tightening with a mixture of love, hope, guilt and desperation. He missed you so much; he missed everything about you, from your voice to your touch to your scent. He missed the times he'd spent with his arms wrapped around you in the forest as you basked in the glory of nature during your midnight rendezvous in your favourite spot of the forest, enjoying each other's presence and warmth in the cold, chilly night air. All he wanted was to hear you say those words again. Those three words, so simple and so short yet carrying such a heavy meaning. All he wanted was to hear that it was him you loved, and not just his former self.

“Please… tell me again. Tell me that you still love me, and not Zandik. I need to hear you say it.” His voice was close to an anguished whisper, a desperate plea. “I need to know that it's me that you feel something for… and not just a memory of someone that no longer exists.”

“I… I can't do that.”

Dottore could feel his heart slowly break apart from your words. A part of him had been hoping, foolishly hoping, that even after all these years, after all the atrocities he had committed as a naive scholar and a Harbinger, you would still feel some sort of affection for him. He couldn't bring himself to speak, his heart swelling with pain and desperation.

“...Why…?”

His words came out as a broken whisper as he felt the resolve and hope in his heart slowly fade away. You still loved Zandik, the old him, the person he used to be all those centuries ago. But somehow, there had still been a part of him that had foolishly hoped that your feelings for him would still be the same after all this time. He was terrified, absolutely petrified, of your answer. He knew that your answer might break him for good, but he had to know the truth.

“I still love you, Zandik… I really still do.” You said softly, your voice was wavering with pain and sincerity.

Dottore could feel his heart swelling with hope and longing, his mind racing with anticipation. Perhaps, just somehow, he hoped that you were willing to embrace his new identity.

Your hands were trembling terribly to the point you dropped your sword, the hilt of the blade knocking onto your foot. You felt your chest tighten and the air in your lungs slowly getting sucked out, holding back an anguished cry. Your lips were wobbling and your eyes were watery, beady crystals threatening to spill loose. Despite this, you managed to voice out in a choked whisper.

“Because… you're no longer the man I used to love.”

He knew he had been foolish to hope that maybe, just maybe, you would be able to accept him and embrace his new identity. But there it was, the confirmation he desperately looked for. Your words shattered his heart into pieces, ripping his soul apart with no way of mending it. He had the confirmation he was looking for about how you felt about him, that what you felt was just love for a man that ceased to exist.

“...And you cannot love the man I am now?”

Dottore’s voice was raw, weak and almost pleading. There was a hint of desperation in his words, as if he was praying that there could be an actual chance that you could still feel something for him, regardless of who he was now. That tiny sliver of hope that ached in the remnants of his shattered heart still flickered and burned passionately. But deep down, he knew you wouldn't, he knew that it wasn't possible. And yet, he still chose to ask that question, a question that could crush his soul further.

“I-I… I don't know.”

A bitter scoff broke the dreadful silence that loomed in the air. He knew what your answer was. He knew deep down that you would never, and could never love the person he was now, no matter how hard you tried. He knew that you loved a ghost, someone who no longer existed in this cruel world. He let out another sharp laugh, a laugh filled with bitterness and harshness.

“Of course. Of course you can't. I would expect you to love someone… like me.”

He closed his eyes for a moment. It was all he could do to keep his composure without showing you the immense pain he was feeling inside. He had been too foolish to hope that there was even the slightest possibility for you to love him, even if it was just a few sparks of affection, despite the person he had become.

You wanted to say something, to retaliate and to tell him otherwise… but you couldn't. Nothing could escape from your lips. You stood there, trembling and shaking, as a single bead of water escaped your lids. You clenched your fist, forcing yourself to not break down. Especially not… not in front of Il Dottore, the Second Fatui Harbinger… and the person you were meant to end.

“...I-I don't know how am I supposed to kill you now.”

Dottore's eyes widened slightly at your words, noticing how your voice was shaky and uncertain. He could see that you were struggling to maintain your composure, how your eyes were watery as if you were on the verge of tears.

“...And why? What's… holding you back?” Dottore took a step closer, his eyes locked onto yours, his chest aching with pain, and a small flicker of hope.” “Why are you so hesitant to kill me?”

You took a step back, more tears spilling. “Stop.” Your voice was shaky, coming out almost as a plea. “Don't move closer, please.”

The sound of your voice saying those words, so desperate and so shaky, caused his chest to ache and tighten further. He stopped in his tracks, watching you keenly as you struggled to hold back your tears. Dottore swallowed hard, trying to pull himself together.

“Why?” He prodded, still staying in place. “Why can't I come closer to you?”

His voice wobbled slightly, his chest aching with a strange mixture of pain and hope. He wanted to be closer to you, to hold you in his arms as he basked in your presence, but he didn't dare to make a move, not while he could see the look of uncertainty in your eyes.

“I…” You swallowed anxiously, uncertainty written all over your face. “...I can't do this, Zandik.”

Dottore winced at the sound of his old, former name, yet a small part of him ached to hear it again. He wanted to hear you say his name, the name he went by now. He wanted you to know him, not the ghost of a man who had long disappeared from this world. He took another shaky breath, trying to keep his voice steady as he spoke.

“Please… don't call me that…”

You clenched your fists, shaking away the tears that stained your face. Your expressions changed from despair to one of apathy, the sparks in your eyes slowly dying down before being extinguished.

“I can't do this… Dottore.”

Your tone was cold and harsh, devoid of any remaining emotion left inside of you.

Dottore's heart twisted inside his chest at the sudden change in your mood and tone, the use of his Harbinger name sounding almost… resentful. It was almost as if you had shut down every single emotion from your body all at once. He watched as you swiftly picked up your sword from the ground, your grip tightening on the hilt. He had no doubt that if he were to come any closer towards you, you'd attempt to slice off his head without a moment of hesitation.

Dottore didn't speak. Instead, he watched you silently as his chest ached from the complete change in demeanour. He couldn't help but miss the moments before, the glimpse of your vulnerability, and the flicker of emotions in your eyes. But now… you were everything but that.

“What do you intend to do now…?” Dottore asked, his voice hesitant. He knew that he was only digging himself a deeper grave, but he could stop himself from trying his luck further and further.

Your fingers trembled as you held the hilt of your blade, your voice soft and uncertain. “...I don't know.”

Dottore could hear the uncertainty in your voice, your inner turmoil evident. That almost let him fill his heart with hope again. Almost. But that cold, harsh tone and the apathy in your expressions held him back. He hated it. He absolutely loathed it. Dottore took a small step forward, ignoring the way your body tensed at his actions.

“What does that mean..?” His voice dropped to a low whisper. He knew he was pushing his luck, but he was desperate for anything.

“I… I can't bring myself to draw my sword onto you.”

Dottore’s eyes widened slightly at your reply, his heart warming up for a small flicker of hope. You couldn't bring yourself to draw your sword on him… perhaps there was still a chance. He took another step forward, the distance slowly closing between you two.

“...Is that so?”

“Don't move any closer.” You said — rather, you commanded. Your voice was firmer and louder, any sign of hesitation completely vanished. You raised your sword in the slightest out of instinct, but something was holding you back.

Dottore watched warily as you lifted your sword, noticing your hesitation. He took another small step forward, trying to keep his emotions in check. “And why should I stop…?”

“Please, Dottore.” You begged, desperation evident in your voice. “Don't.”

He stayed in his place, keenly observing your conflicted expressions. “Why not, Y/N?”

He knew he was pushing it, but he couldn't care less about anything else at this moment. All he wanted was you, to have you back in his life again, to have you in his arms. But your next words hit him hard, the cold and harsh reality of the situation slapping him like a hard brick.

“I'm supposed to kill you, Dottore.”

Dottore grimaced slightly, your words cutting through him like a knife to the heart. Of course, he knew this. He was fully aware that they were still enemies regardless of their past, and that they both had a duty to fulfil. But to hear you say it so coldly, so bluntly… It still hurts.

He let out a soft chuckle, one filled with resignation. “...That's right. You're… You're supposed to.”

Despite knowing this, he couldn't stop himself. You were his enemy, the very person he was supposed to kill. He had to end your life, to take away your soul from this world, and you would have to do the same. Regardless, he still yearned for you, for what you used to share. The thought of you trying to slice his head off pained him immensely, causing his thoughts to swim in an endless sea of despair.

“Then… What is stopping you?” He prodded further, taking another step forward. He was now only a few inches away from you, and he didn't miss the way you flinched fearfully at the proximity.

“I… I can't.” You finally managed to speak, your voice a choked whisper. Your grip on your sword tightened to the point your knuckles were stained white. Apathy and indifference were painted all over your face, your eyes lacking their usual spark.

Dottore stayed silent, his heart and mind racing frantically. Hearing your hesitance rekindled the sparks of his hope in his heart that had been hastily extinguished, with hopes that they would flicker and burn into a bright fire of passion. You said you couldn't kill him, but why? Why couldn't you do it? That gave him hope. Your hesitance gave him the hope he had desperately prayed for, the hope that you still had some feelings for him despite everything.

“...Why not? Why can't you kill me?”

“Don't test your luck, Harbinger of Snezhnaya.”

Your voice came out in a harsh, yet firm command, your eyes showing a flicker of anger. Your emotions were all swirled up together, and you were unable to discern between how you truly felt.

Dottore chuckled faintly, a weak grin on his face. He knew you were close to snapping, but he had to try. He had to see how much he could push you before you broke before him, and he had to do everything he could just for a chance.

“Test my luck? No need. I already know you still care for me.” His voice was firm as he took another step forward to him, your shoes touching.

You took a step backwards, your breath hitching as you clutched onto your sword.

“Stop it.”

“Why should I? After all, you're hesitating to kill me. You care, don't you? I know you still care, Y/N.”

He watched as your eyes twitched slightly, as if you were in an inner state of turmoil. He knew you, he knew you were torn between your duty to eliminate him as his enemy and your lingering feelings for him. He knew he should stop… but he couldn't.

He walked closer towards you, his gaze firm as he locked eyes with you. “You're frustrated, aren't you? You want to fulfil your duty and hurt me… but you can't bring yourself to do it, can you?”

You gritted your teeth, taking more steps backwards. Dottore could hear the soft scraping of metal from your blade as you dragged it against the floor, your eyes staring back at him with a sharp, intimidating glare.

“What's wrong?” He taunted. “Why are you backing away from me?”

Finally, you felt your self-control snap. Every vulnerable emotion you had pent up inside of you completely dried up, leaving only anger and resentment.

You drew your blade to his throat, your stance firm. Your eyes were cold and devoid, as if you were a completely different person.

“Stop it, Harbinger of Snezhnaya.”

Dottore let out a soft exhale, his eyes widening slightly as he felt the cold tip of your blade prodding at his throat, a reminder of the situation and predicament you both were in. The deadly look in your eyes caused him to wince slightly, dreading how different you became after everything. You radiated a dangerous aura, absolutely merciless and angry.

“...And what if I don't?”

He felt the tremor of the blade on his neck, a clear sign of your uncertainty. He knew he was walking on thin ice, but he knew he was close. Just a little bit more…

“I could end your very life right now, Dottore.”

Your words were firm and sharp, like a cold blade close to piercing him. You felt a bitter taste in your mouth every time you spoke his Harbinger name, a constant reminder that he wasn't the same person he used to be. He wasn't the naive scholar of the Akademiya, but the merciless, cold-hearted Second Fatui Harbinger, although he seemed anything but that in that moment.

“Come on… Why are you hesitating?” Dottore continued to taunt you, trying to gauge a reaction out of you. “I'm your enemy. You're supposed to kill me.”

You clenched your jaw, pressing the tip of the blade further onto his throat. You watched as tiny beads of red liquid trickled down his neck, his shirt stained with his own blood.

He hissed sharply as he felt the cold edge of the blade press onto his skin. He knew that he was crossing the line, but he was too far gone now. All he could do now was gamble everything away. From now on, it was all or nothing.

“...Then why aren't you doing it?”

Deep inside, he was starting to wonder if you would go through with it. You had everything set up: the blade against his throat, him in a vulnerable state, and authority over him. But in his heart, he still had hope. Dottore still had hope in you, that you would spare him and slowly accept how things were.

His hope and happiness were ephemeral, shattering and crashing almost as fast as it was formed when you bit back a sharp cry and shut your eyes as you slashed your sword on his shoulder. You dropped the blade, hand trembling from the aftershock.

Dottore had expected this, but he didn't expect the sharp sting that suddenly flared in his shoulder, causing him to gasp in agony. He exhaled sharply, his anticipation replaced with a wave of pain and hurt.

He gritted his teeth as he tried to ignore the stinging pain in his shoulders, letting out a shaky chuckle. “There… You did it, Y/N. You've injured me… So why haven't you killed me yet?”

“God damn it, will you stop?!”

Your sudden scream was sharp and piercing, catching Dottore off guard with your outburst. You clenched your jaw in anger, trying to maintain your composure. You kicked your sword that you had dropped away.

You exhaled sharply as you turned around. You slowly walked away from him, before turning back to face him once more.

“...Don't make me regret killing you… when I had the chance.”

Your words and tone were bitter and harsh, filled with resentment and apathy. You looked at him for the very last time, looked at the ghost of a man you once loved, and looked at ‘Zandik’ for the very last time before walking away. You held your breath, trying to bite back the tears that were desperately threatening to spill.

Dottore was shocked by your sudden words, taken aback by your bitter and harsh tone. He watched as you turned away, walking further away from him. Each step you took felt like a stab through his heart, bleeding with his agony and despair. The sight of you walking away hurt more than the deep scar you left on his shoulder.

He wanted to call you back, to stop you from leaving, but he knew any attempts would be futile. He tried to obviate the need to call out to you, to reach out and stop you from leaving, but his heart swelled with sorrow and regret. Instead, he stood there, watching you walk further and further away, leaving him with a feeling of emptiness and hopelessness.

He felt like his heart was being torn apart, ripped and shredded into pieces. He could see in your eyes that you still cared for him, even if it was just a little. He was thankful, truly thankful, that you had spared his life… but he knew that this decision of yours would forever haunt him until the days of his passing.

He struggled to keep his emotions buried away, to hide them away. But seeing you walk away like that… he felt a drop of water drip down his chin, followed by another. Soon enough, an incessant stream of tears cascaded down his cheeks, dampening his shirt. He felt his shirt being ensanguined with his own blood, the wound caused by your blade crying out with tears of blood.

With that, all his defences slipped away as he dropped to his knees, his vision blurred and his eyes watery. It was absolutely agonising, almost soul-crushing, to accept that you had walked away and left him for good. Dottore felt his body and soul overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness and sadness, almost unbearable. He had lost you, his everything, and he had no one to blame for it… but himself.

He sat on the ground, his body shaking with silent sobs as he allowed himself to break down and lose himself in agony and despair. He had never felt this way before, completely alone and utterly heartbroken… it was killing him inside. He had lost you, the only person he genuinely cared about, the very person he had been trying to keep himself alive for, the only person… he truly loved.

Amid his breakdown, he happened to catch a glimpse of a silver-blue object on the ground, lying just a few meters away from a shiny metal on the ground, presumably your blade that you had discarded. Clearing his blurry vision, he gazed at the object, and his heart broke and shattered further.

It was the preserved Kalpalata Lotus he had gifted you.

Dottore froze, his eyes widening in disbelief as he saw the Kalpalata Lotus lying on the ground near your discarded sword. He felt another wave of overwhelming pain and heartbreak wash over him, his heart clenching further at the sight of the flower. It was a painful and gut-wrenching reminder that he had truly lost you.

He crawled on the ground, picking up the flower in his trembling hands, holding it delicately as if it was something precious and fragile — which it was. Dottore slowly lifted the flower to eye level, studying it as if he were trying to ingrain it into his memory. He noted the smallest, little details about the flower — the blue petals, the silver veins and its delicate shape. It was all too familiar, all too painful, all too much.

A fresh wave of tears spilt down his cheeks as he held onto the flower like it was his lifeline, the only thing anchoring him from this pain, the only thing keeping him from completely falling apart.

Dottore clutched onto the flower in his hand, the memories of you flooding his mind like a violent stream, each one more painful than the last. The thought of never seeing you again, never talking to you again, never holding you again… it was too much for him to bear.

Dottore knew that he was destined to fall like this. He wasn't the strong, cold-hearted, and merciless Second Fatui Harbinger right now. Instead, he was the young, naive scholar from the Akademiya again. The man you used to love… the person you loved with your whole heart and soul. Right now, he was Zandik, not Il Dottore. In this moment, he was the heartbroken, young boy who had experienced the pain of losing the very person he loved all over again, just like four hundred years ago.

— masterlist ・ navi ・ request rules

[megumimania]

UNGODLY HOUR

warnings: mentions of alcohol and drugs, fluff at the end (i lied!), rapper!ony x black reader, kinda angsty, reader and ony need therapy, mild swearing, unhealthy relationships, somewhat happy ending

a/n: im back after falling off the face of the earth xx this wasn’t supposed to be this sad, sorry x🤗 im clearing out the drafts

ony kept calling again and again, usually you’d ignore it like what you’ve been doing for the past month but tonight was different, so you finally picked up the phone. “hey.” you answered, your voice still groggy from sleep. “hey? it’s been a month y/n, where the fuck have you been!” he said with a slight slur to his words, he was drunk.

“first off, watch your tone when you talk to me and second of all, i’ve been busy.” you replied with a bite to your tone. now you regretted picking up the phone in the first place. prior to your month of no contact with ony, you were his rock. in an industry full of yes men and record labels who didn’t give a fuck about what he did as long as he dropped music on time, you were a breath of fresh air. you were his peace.

so when he’d have a rough day, or was high or drunk out of his mind, you were the first person he called. and you always came to his rescue, calming him down, helping him sober up, hiding him from the paparazzi—but it got all too much. the infrequent bad days became frequent, and his constant expectation for you to be there when he called, meant you lost out on opportunities and relationships, and you slowly began to build some resentment towards him, but that swiftly came down when you realised he was just hurting and lonely.

you were there for him through everything.

you tried to love him from a distance, help him from a distance but that became overwhelming too. you tried to get him help, but that often went nowhere. after a tense argument with him, you went ghost, needing space from him entirely. you still kept up with him on socials though, anonymously of course and it looked like he was doing well—until tonight.

“busy with what?” he asked. you let out a deep sigh before replying, “busy with my life, i have shit that exists outside of you, you know that right?” he went silent for a second before laughing. you were already tired of his bullshit and it hadn’t been five minutes since you picked up. “ony, why do you keep calling me?” you said, frustration evident in your tone. “i missed you ma.” he said his voice sounding hoarse, you felt your heart break for him all over again.

you were sure that you were gonna regret this decision later but you knew that you couldn’t let him be on his own right now, especially in such a vulnerable state. “im coming over.” you said, hanging up before he could get a word out.

—

the first thing ony did after you stepped into his apartment was pull you in for a hug. you pulled away giving him a once over and he looked like he’d seen better days. “you look a mess.” you frowned, pulling him into the kitchen to get a glass of water. “damn ma is that all you gotta say to me, after a whole ass month?” he looked at you in amazement. “just drink the damn water.” you muttered in annoyance.

“so are you gonna give me an explanation to why you ghosted me for a month?” you rolled your eyes in annoyance. “ony man…don’t fucking do this, im not in the mood.” you sighed, rubbing your temples. “do what? im just asking why you’ve suddenly remembered my existence after a month.” you let out a hollow laugh, “i needed space. ”

“space,from me?” ony scratched his beard, not knowing what to say, so you took it as an opportunity to let out all your frustrations at him. “yes, you. ony, you are the most insufferable, selfish person i’ve ever met. you took a deep breath before continuing, “all i’ve tried to do is help and yet you never take it into consideration, hell you don’t even take me into consideration.”

“I do—” he replied. you gave him a deadpan look, “you don’t, instead you end up on tmz or the shade room for doing stupid shit that makes me wonder if you actually care about your career.” ony’s jaw ticked upon hearing those words leave your mouth. he accepted that he wasn’t perfect by any means, but to come for the only thing that he put his blood, sweat and tears into was a slap in the face.

“so why did you come back?” he said quieter than intended, his eyes slightly glossy from the tears.“ i thought time apart would do us good. you needed to work on yourself and on your music, plus i just didn’t want you to rely on me like that again.” you tentatively step closer to him, caressing his cheek. “ony, i genuinely love and care about you but we can’t do this anymore.” you said, your voice wobbling slightly. “you need to sort your shit out and i can’t help you do that any more.”

the tears came out of nowhere and you gave up on trying to stop them. “I should go.” you said sniffling slightly as your eyes, “i don’t even know why i came here, i should’ve stayed at home.” you grabbed your keys and your phone and was halfway out the door, when ony called out for you. “y/n…i’ll go to therapy, anything! but i just can’t lose you!” he begged, the desperation evident in his voice.

“that’s nice.” you said, wiping your tears. you wanted to believe him so bad but you knew him like the back of your hand, this was one of his lies that he’d make you forget about in an array of large gestures and kisses until the next time he spiralled and flipped out on you. “ony, we both know how this is gonna end up.” you swore that you saw his spirit break at that moment, all the fight he had build up, slowly left as his shoulders sank in defeat.

you left his apartment shortly after, before his sweet words could coax you into thinking that things were gonna be alright, that he was gonna be alright. you expected to leave his apartment with some sense of relief but grief ate away at you, you missed him so much and you hadn’t even reached home yet. you mourned the relationship that you had with him, the relationship that could’ve been if he’d just sought out help that he needed.

you got home as the city began to roar up again and tried to move on, it was hard considering that memories of him were scattered all over your apartment, invoking a wide range of feelings from anger to immense sadness. you knew that moving on wasn’t simple especially when you had such a complex history with him. a life without ony, was a life that was going to take some adjustment to but you were to take it one day at a time.

[iloveyoongi4321]

You're Still Bleeding

Ⅰ. ⚘ Of Roses & Regrets

Synopsis: Uraraka Ochaco is haunted by the (death?) of Toga Himiko. The war may be over, but her mind is fraying, unraveling into rose-tinted memories and crimson hallucinations. Midoriya Izuku tries to help her move on, but mourning is never linear, and the past refuses to stay buried.

Preview: "Healing is uneven. Quiet. Sometimes it’s crying while brushing your teeth. Sometimes it’s staring at a cup of tea for hours. Sometimes it’s walking the same street Himiko bled out on, again and again, hoping something will feel different.”"

Words: 1.9k

Tags: tgchk, not really major character death, midoriya izuku is a good friend, horror, obsession, survivor guilt, angst, hurt/no comfort, grief/mourning, hallucinations, emotional baggage

Notes: if im being honest this has been rotting in my drafts for about a month or so.. i also REALLY need to stop writing horribly miserable queer love stories. hope u liked it just as much as i do!!! if im being honest, i dont know where to take this next lolol pretty please lmk if u have any ideas.. MANY THANKS FOR READING<333 also cross-posted on ao3!!

Blood trickles down her teeth, She smiled like she forgave me. I begged her to stay.

Ochacco doesn’t remember falling.

She remembers Himiko’s face, inches from hers. The weight of her body pressing close as they collapsed together, as if the battle itself had decided they had done enough. She remembers the rain, washing the blood away before it could dry. She remembers reaching out, fingers brushing against skin that had always been just out of reach.

Then—nothing.

And when she wakes, it’s over. The war, the fighting, the girl who had smiled through bloodstained teeth—all of it is over. She hears it in the way the medics talk around her, avoiding her eyes when she asks about the League. She sees it in the way no one tells her where Himiko is.

She doesn’t ask again.

Because she already knows.

And yet, she can’t stop looking.

She lies in bed with tubes in her arms. When she blinks, she half-expects to see red.

Instead, she sees flowers. A vase of them—roses, too bright against the sterile white. Ochacco stares at them without really seeing.

“She’s still asking about her,” one nurse mutters.

“You mean the League freak? The knife one?”

“Shh—don’t call her that. She might hear you.”

“She’s been staring at the same wall for twenty minutes.”

“Yeah, and it's freaking me out.”

Ochacco curls her fingers into the blanket, gripping it tight.

This is how it's been for a few days. People whisper and talk about her, without telling her anything. Like she's not even there. Like she's the one who didn't make it.

The discharge from the hospital is quiet. She’s healed enough, they say. No need to keep her here when there’s so much rebuilding to do. A nurse hands her a folder of papers and a plastic bag of her old belongings. The folder has her name on it. The bag has a cracked phone, scorched gloves, and a single, still-damp hair tie.

Not hers.

She holds it in her palm for a long moment, heart stuttering. Ruby red, stretchy. The kind you’d find on a convenience store shelf. It smells faintly of iron and roses.

She says nothing. Slips it into her pocket.

People talk about healing like it’s a destination. Like there’s a point you arrive at where everything stops hurting.

Ochacco knows better.

Healing is uneven. Quiet. Sometimes it’s crying while brushing your teeth. Sometimes it’s staring at a cup of tea for hours. Sometimes it’s walking the same street Himiko bled out on, again and again, hoping something will feel different.

It never does.

But sometimes, she thinks she sees her. Would it really be so wrong to hope?

In a slashed lipstick tube left on a windowsill. In dried rose petals scattered like secrets across alley concrete. In red—always red—smudged across glass like a kiss or a warning. A heart drawn in blood. A name scratched into wood. A flash of blonde hair in a crowd. A shadow ducking around the corner. Red eyes, wide and bright like they were on that last day.

She blinks, and it’s gone.

Always gone when she looks.

Always gone.

“Have you thought about talking to someone?” Izuku asks her one day, gently. He brings her bento boxes sometimes. Tries to smile like he used to.

“I’m fine,” she says.

“You’re... not, though.”

Ochacco shrugs. “Are you?”

Izuku doesn’t answer.

He sets the bento down without a word.

Ochacco doesn’t touch it. Just stares at the chipped edge of her table like it might offer her something.

He breaks the silence. “I passed by the train station last night. Thought I saw her.”

She freezes.

“Wasn’t her, obviously,” he adds. “Just some girl with space buns and a limp.”

Ochacco exhales through her nose. “You still look, too?”

“Sometimes.” He shrugs. “Old habit.”

They sit with that for a minute. Then Izuku says, “You know she’s probably gone.”

“Probably,” Ochacco echoes.

“But that wouldn’t stop you.”

She looks at him then, really looks. She doesn't know how to say the things that matter anymore.

He’s thinner than she remembers. Eyes rimmed with something like sleep deprivation or grief, maybe both. 

“You know what’s worse than losing people?” he says, voice low. “Losing the part of yourself that used to care about anything else.”

Ochacco swallows. Her throat burns.

Izuku nods toward the bento. “Eat something.”

She picks up the chopsticks. Doesn’t say thank you. He wouldn’t want her to.

But as he stands to leave, brushing a hand briefly over her shoulder like a goodbye, something settles in her chest.

Not peace, but a weight she can carry.

What would I ever do without him.

She finds an incident report two weeks after returning home.

It’s crumpled at the bottom of a file, misfiled. The date matches the last day of the war. It lists casualties, injuries, environmental damage. One line makes her pause:

Subject: League member (female). Status: presumed deceased. Body unrecovered.

She reads it once. Then again.

The words don’t change, but something inside her does.

Presumed. Not confirmed.

Unrecovered. Not buried.

She stares at the words until they blur. Then reads them again.

The dreams start small.

First, it’s Himiko standing in the rain, smiling. Her head tilted like she’s asking Ochacco a question she can’t hear.

Then it’s her voice. Low, sweet, syrupy. "You're still bleeding," she whispers.

Ochacco wakes up breathless, her hand still reaching out.

The worst part is that for one brief, aching second, she wants it to be real.

Sometimes she dreams in first person—sees her own hands stained with blood. Sees herself cradling Himiko’s face. Sees the moment her eyes closed.

Only... sometimes they don’t.

Sometimes they open again.

Sometimes she closes her eyes on purpose.

Just to see her again.

The dreams rot her from the inside, but she drinks them like nectar.

It’s easier there. 

She starts to visit the alleys. Narrow, winding paths with peeling posters and rusted gates. Ones Himiko would've liked. Places where you could vanish if you wanted to. Places heroes don’t patrol often.

She tells herself it’s nothing.

She tells herself she’s just... curious.

But one night, she sees lipstick smeared on a wall. A deep, wine red.

Next to it, the faint outline of a heart.

Her fingers shake as she traces it. Tells herself it's just graffiti. It could be anyone.

But her chest is tight. Her throat dry.

Please, she thinks.

Just once—let it be her.

But then, she recalls-

There’s talk of a new vigilante. Not quite a villain, not quite a hero. Small-time acts. Petty crimes. Stolen bandages. Blood drained from criminals—but no deaths.

No one knows who it is.

But Ochacco hears the description. Blonde. Agile. Always smiling.

Hope curls inside her like hunger.

She shouldn’t want to believe it.

She does.

She doesn’t say anything. 

But the thought echoes inside her regardless: I hope you're just as eager to see me again.

She starts walking the city more at night.

Her steps feel heavy, like they're someone else's. She thought about how Himiko always stared at her with those gorgeous, ruby eyes, like she was something shiny. Something good.

Ochacco wonders what she looked like to Himiko in those final moments. What did she see? Was there any softness in her gaze? Or was it just a mask, the same one that Himiko wore so often?

She wonders, too, what Himiko looked like to her. Had she ever really seen her? There's so much they haven't shared with eachother. Does she know enough about Himiko to keep her memory alive after all this time? Or was she left with fragments, pieces of who the girl once was?

The first time she sees her, really sees her, it’s raining.

Ochacco’s umbrella is flipped inside out, and she’s muttering curses under her breath when she looks up and—

There.

Across the street.

Blonde hair, matted to her cheeks. A hoodie pulled low. Eyes locked on hers.

Himiko.

It has to be.

Their eyes meet.

Just for a second.

But it's enough.

Ochacco steps forward.

A car blares past. When it’s gone, so is she.

Ochacco stands there, soaked, heartbeat like thunder.

The dreams get worse.

Or maybe they get better.

Because in them, Ochacco doesn’t wake up gasping anymore.

She lingers.

She walks familiar streets dipped in dusk, and every rose she passes wilts in her hands. Red petals stain her palms like cuts. Like kisses. Like guilt.

Himiko waits at the end of the path, always. Leaning against a lamp post, or crouched on a windowsill. Lipstick smeared like war paint, like ritual.

“I missed you,” she says in every dream. Or: “You looked so pretty covered in red.” Or: “I never wanted to hurt you, you know.”

Sometimes she wears a crown of thorns.

Sometimes she wears Ochacco’s old hero uniform, soaked in blood.

Ochacco always reaches for her. And always wakes up before they touch.

She starts keeping roses in her apartment.

Deep red ones. The kind that bruise when you press your thumb in too hard. The kind that rot fast, leaving stains on the wood.

She doesn’t throw them out.

Instead, she lines the petals along her windowsill, like offerings. The smell clings to her clothes.

Once, she wakes up with a thorn scratch on her wrist.

She doesn’t remember how it got there.

In her dreams, a reoccurring symbol: 

Red ribbons float through the air like severed veins.

Red nails tap-tap against porcelain.

Red eyes shimmer like lanterns in the dark.

Red lips curl, open, and whisper her name.

She's seated at the edge of a field that shouldn't exist. The grass is a little too tall, swaying in wind that feels more like breath — warm, humid, close. The sky overhead is black, starless, thick as ink, and feels as if it might collapse onto her at any moment.

The roses beside her bloom with mouths. When she reaches to pluck one, it shudders and sighs—"Why did you let me die?"

She freezes. The voice is hers. Or maybe not. Maybe it's—

Another rose blooms. It laughs. A choked, wet sound.

She stands. The ground underneath squelches like flesh. Her feet sink an inch.

A figure waits just beyond the roses. Himiko’s silhouette. Only her hair doesn’t fall the way it used to. It's soaked. Dripping. Her face is a blur, smeared and obstructed.

The figure tilts her head. A giggle. Then—

The roses begin to bleed. A slow trickle of red pools around Ochacco's shoes.

She blinks.

Himiko’s smile is made of teeth. Too many. Not human.

She starts to run—but the field stretches. The sky groans. Every step feels like dragging her legs through syrup.

And then she wakes. But her mouth is open, and the taste of blood is there. Not hers.

One night, a message is spray-painted across her apartment door.

Messy handwriting. 

COME FIND ME.

The paint is red. Still wet.

Her fingers tremble as she touches it.

She smiles.

[yanderefarm]

*record scratch*

hi its me bunny you might be wondering how i got here well it all started--

yeah full transparency im sorry for like disappearing i was feeling really burnt out from Christmas and just like... all the stuff thats been happening in my life for the past few months. weighs very heavy on ones soul. im still really burnt and tired but valentine's day is coming up so im trying to get back into the swing of things. I'll try to answer my asks and do my drafts. im probably gonna be more exhausted and not giving a fuck ejdndn so im sorry if I come across more rude or anything like that.

i miss my boys... i started playing dol again and man. man. whitney makes me think of ajax everytime now i want my big tit bully male wife back

[pinkprettycure]

how did you make your personal wiki for mwdh? and also how long did it take?

Im paying for hosting for it but its in mediawiki (same software as miraheze, fandom, and wikipedia)

Getting all the info for my own characters in is a week's and months long process that I'm still not entirely done with lol. But im done enough and at a point where i just add in things as needed and i even use the site to store extra scripts and draft out episodes instead of having a million notepad files lol. Getting the basics done (the templates and info boxes and all) took about a few days though, I just copied codes from other wikis I liked.

Since it's on my own website hosting plan instead, I had to do a lot from scratch, I had to download all the extensions and install it manually and everything. but with wikifarms like miraheze and Fandom, a lot of the work is already done since they come packed in with extensions. An example being like, in order to use tabs on pages like these

I had to install tabber neue, which I'm pretty sure is already installed into miraheze and Fandom wikis by default and you just need to check a box in the settings for a lot of the extensions.

Miraheze let's you make personal wikis for free and even password protectethem. You can make oc wikis on fandom too i heard of ppls getting deleted by them. I almost requested from miraheze so I could have a personal wiki but the site I used for hosting (bluehost) had the option to install mediawiki so I just tried it test way instead lol

[theicarusconstellation]

into the dark news + poll

i will also be announcing this in the notes of the next chapter update, but i just want to inform you all that i will be going back through and mass-editing/rewriting all chapters from act one (chapters 1-40). all throughout act one, i really let outside forces influence how i wrote this fic. i pandered to the fandom because i was afraid to make anyone upset rather than writing what i wanted to write. i saw people saying that their precious sirius would never do The Prank, so i made peter do it when i really wanted sirius to. i added 540957345 povs (most of which will stay because i do believe they shape the story) rather than just keeping it to regulus + james because i saw people saying that not giving each and every character an in-depth plotline in an mlm fic was misogyny and neglect. i came up with an elaborate scheme to keep lily alive on halloween 1981 because killing lily is misogynistic. (lily will stay alive on halloween like i promised yall because i have grown so fond of her and i know that you should kill your darlings but i've never been very good at that). i planned a lot of elaborate schemes to keep a lot of characters alive and spread myself thin trying to shove intricate plots for the black sisters, marypanlily, peter, remus, dorlene, rosekiller, etc. into this fic because i didn't want to offend anyone or make anyone upset. i truly do not give a fuck about james and sirius’ friendship, but i threw it in this fic's face since so many people regard it as The Holy Grail and i didn't want to disappoint them in any way. i wrote the black brothers way more tame than i wanted to because if regulus doesn’t want a relationship with sirius it’s framed as him blaming sirius.

the truth of the matter is, this is a jegulus fic, centered around regulus black, james potter, their relationship, and no one else. not lily. not sirius. not anyone. that isn't to say that i can't have complex plots devoted to other characters, because i can, i will, and i love to do it. every plot i inserted into this fic will remain the same, just with a few tweaks and possibly with less pagetime.

the biggest change will be that i am going back and rewriting The Prank. sirius will orchestrate it like god intended. i completely understand if these changes make this fic less appealing to you, and i absolutely respect that. DLDR is one of my biggest mottos and something i heavily encourage, so if you don't like this fic, it is totally okay to "don't read"/DNF.

i also want to draw more attention to pandora’s past sexual assault. it’s been quietly in the background, which was - in part - intentional since she herself shoves it down and blocks it out, but there are so many instances where it could have been addressed and wasn’t. idk i think id just like to have it be more front and center because it is such an important aspect of the story that im afraid gets lost in the sea of other plots in this fic.

again, there won't be very many "big" changes, but the little things will add up a bit yk? the rewrites won't be published until every chapter has gone through it, which won't be for a few months, but i will let yall know when they are.

i also don’t know how i want to orchestrate the rewrite. that’s what the poll is for because i truly do value your opinions as readers. once the rewrite has been completed in my drafts, im unsure whether i should just keep them in the original work, delete the original altogether and start from scratch posting the rewrite as its own fic, or leave the original up and post the rewrite as a separate fic (but still titled into the dark — rewrite)

[junietuesday]

also. just choose a question you really want to answer and do it >:)

currently answering fic writer asks!

17. talk about your writing and editing process

ive been asking people this one since i think its interesting how it differs for everyone, so thought i’d answer it myself! basically i’ll get hit w a very loose concept, and depending on how casual it is or if i think i need to get my thoughts in order before writing, i’ll either jump straight into it or write a bullet point “outline”. basically just a super informal brainstorm, talking abt possibly the themes/ideas i want to explore, some events i might throw in and how best to order them, and/or if i already have a vivid picture of the sequence of events, then i’ll just straight up write it out, no grammar or anything, but w the dialogue i can already picture, explaining the thoughts that the character is having, occasionally depending on how clearly i can already imagine the scene, the “outline” isnt super far off from actual prose. i’ll put a picture from one of my docs at the end, but its all just super rambly talking myself through the thought process.

then the actual writing- i usually write everything in order, bc i need to know where the character’s head is at and what theyve already thought abt in the previous scenes. i’ll keep the ideas from my outline in mind if i made one, but i dont stick to it religiously or anything, usually just going w the flow of what feels right for the characters in the moment means i end up straying a lot from any specifics. “going w the flow of what feels right” is honestly how i get the initial draft done lol, just based on vibes. if the start of a fic just isnt feeling fun, its often bc i tried to start too early in the timeline and am just vamping w too much inner monologue- ive been trying to work on starting as “in media res” as possible, not just per fic but per scene, w only a paragraph or so max interlude before getting into actual events and dialogue. i try to really sprinkle in the introspection in between the action, and to stop overexplaining, i just say certain stuff without context but that the reader can read into and fill in all the blanks, instead of me spending ages rambling abt stuff the reader could figure out on their own. if i get stuck somewhere, i rely on that trick a lot of counting back like 5-10 sentences to see if you wrote yourself into a corner.

i dont really do formal “drafts”, bc i edit as i write. i hear so many people say not to do this bc it gets in the way of just getting words down, but if im going back and rereading what ive written so far to think abt what to write next, i cant rest if i see weird sentence/paragraph rhythms, repeated words, places w dialogue that either doesnt sound in-character or doesnt carry enough double meaning, lazy imagery, etc etc. editing is also fun for me, and easier than writing from scratch, so im still working on the fic but its giving me a break so i can get into writing the next part w more steam. though when i “finish” a fic, i will go over the whole thing again for one last flow check, bc when writing i dont usually read the whole thing start to finish, so i’ll rearrange stuff and not see how it affects the greater rhythm of the story until i reread it in full for the final check. then i’ll give it like overnight to clear my head, then do one last quick reread for anything glaring i missed after having stared at this fic for so long (it usually takes me Months to write even 1-2k word long fics💀). i start looking for a title when im pretty close to done, usually from poems/literature, but if its a more casual fic i’ll just take a word or phrase from the fic that relates to the story in multiple ways.

under a cut for length but heres some of my outline for my transfem hardwon fic. bc it has elements of both “brainstorming” and “writing out the events”

i think i may break this up into two chapters. or perhaps even three. but my problem was that i thought itd be weird to suddenly jump away from moonshine and the crick for one scene only to go back for the whole rest of the fic. but if i have ch1 be the intro, ch2 be hardwon maybe in irondeep visiting jaina and nerman and such and talk to jaina abt queerness after a confrontation w other dwarves, and then ch3 be coming back to the crick for the finale of him opening up to moonshine/the ending smut… i lowkey think this could work. still be a bit of a jump but separating them into chapters will at least mitigate some of that weirdness i hope. ch1 awakening, ch2 irondeep interlude, ch3 homecoming? idk i like homecoming for ch3 bc hes coming home to the crick and moonshine, also the play on words for the smut in his stump, also coming home to his body after discovering his gender. and i want ch1 to match but i want it to be like discovery but also hardwon repressing it. so a word that evokes that too.

i think i need one more scene in here kind of getting into a showcase of hardwon’s defensive masculinity? showcasing all the things i have hardwon contemplating in the finale bc it cant come out of left field in the last paragraphs of the fic. like the idea that hes like. hes “succeeded” at masculinity. he worked so hard his whole life to be exactly what society wants him to be. a cool buff stoic warrior. this was supposed to be what made him fit in, what made people like him. and maybe it didnt work back in irondeep when he was working in the mines, but he could rationalize that if he left, maybe then it’d work. and it honestly has protected him in a way. like on first glance no one gives him shit. if he were more femme than he probably wouldve gotten mocked. but like- exactly. he Was already getting mocked no matter what he does. and hes still not happy w himself.

so for irondeep first scene it has to maybe start w some introspection to bridge the timeskip but have to be an actual example i think. hardwon talking to someone else. maybe like random people he was at the dwarphanage with? random bronzebeard cousins? i need a reason for hardwon to be talking w these people, maybe its some kind of party? to feel like the feywild party he and moonshine were going to wasnt completely out of pocket

and then after this is the talking to jaina scene. maybe the morning after or smth. it needs to be the last scene that he opens up to jaina to lead into him having the courage to open up to moonshine more fully in the last chapter

also idk if i can fit it in but while i dont want to spend Too much time on bodily dysphoria i think i might throw in something abt hardwon never really feeling like his body was right, bc he was a human among dwarves, then a half-elf, something cobbled together always one of a kind and strange, so it surely means nothing that his face never felt like his, there was always that sense of disconnection, now that hes at the crick and known moonshine for so long he thought he’d be feeling better, but its a wound that still lingers

i think moonshine needs to confront it directly somehow. after all the only way he admitted his feelings for moonshine was after jaina prodded him a bunch. scene starts w some hardwon introspection to bridge the timeskip. maybe moonshine finds the hardwon portrait after the fact. or just says like “hey hardwon you know you can talk to me abt anything right?” hardwon is like omg this is so ominous. “um yeah totally. why?” moonshines just like “i guess youve just seemed kinda off lately”, maybe hes been a lot more closed off around her trying not to reveal anything, “and i know you like to keep those walls up, but… let me in every once in awhile, huh?” she asks quietly, “are you not happy living here?” and hardwon immediately goes “no no, its been amazing, i love it here. im happier than ive ever been.” in fact hes thinking like until he met moonshine he didnt even realize the extent of how deeply unhappy he was. like he was just surviving day to day back in irondeep before he left, and now that hes living here at the crick, the difference is like night and day, he still has bad days but its only now that he realizes his “good days” from before were still like so bad. he was so busy surviving before, unwilling to look too closely at himself for fear of just breaking down, and moonshine has opened up his world so much, that only now is he discovering new things he likes (like how much he loves crick food and culture) and new feelings abt himself (security in himself. belonging and family. in a sexual sense, things hes done w moonshine and also being bi lol). and this strange new thing he doesnt understand, now that his brain is letting things come to the surface he’d never had the space to process before.

so he says “its just me. im just figuring things out.” and moonshine goes “alright. i wont push, ik you need to figure things out for yourself sometimes. but…im here for you if you ever want it.” and hardwon is like what am i doing? what am i so afraid of? moonshine opened her home and her heart to him already. given him a special place in her life that she’s allowed to so few other people. she was there for him throughout their journey. if everything before hadnt pushed her away, if she really wants him here, asking her for help in understanding a weird feeling he has isnt going to be the thing that ruins their relationship. cant make this toooooo revelatory bc theres still the final scene but yknow. him cracking the wall a little. more abt him willing to let moonshine in a little but the finale is him accepting Himself after all the self-degrading language.

ends w hardwon admitting that he liked it when moonshine called him pretty. moonshine goes “oh is that it?” and hardwon frowns like its kinda a big deal, i was lowkey freaking out abt it… moonshine goes no no i just meant like. i can do that.

[akielzx]

Hello, May I request a onshot including cuddles with Johann Chu at night? Ty. <3

YESYESY I LVOE JOHANN VERRY MUCH, OUR 'ROBOT' BOYYY also HELP IM SORRY I FORHOT I HAD THIS IN MY DRAFTS

bro i'm so sorry i had this in my drafts i think for a month, i'll then write the other submission later :sob:

maybe i just wanna be yours ！✦

＃；oneshot, johann chu x reader

tags // just tad bit spoiler (the info abt shavee in the chat n all and only that i think, maybe also abt his dad), comfort, slight misunderstanding but it's fine in the end, understandings, johann bby muah muah, also johann might be a bit ooc so bear with me, this is kinda long [keyword: kinda]

johann chu wasn't the one to be expressive of his feelings, and understand his feelings. hence why he felt bemused about [name], they certainly made a huge imprint on him.

yet shavee had also had an impact on him. but [name]'s case was slightly different. even if he had missed an opportunity to have her, it was okay now. he was healing a bit.

when they were chatting and johann had slipped this information to [name] and some other emotional turmoil, he yet puts training first once again.

nonetheless, all was well in the end. it was night and johann thought of something. [name] was doing quite well in their training, but he heard from a little birdy that they weren't quite doing well in draconic history.

maybe stress was getting to them? either way, as their senior, he felt obligated to help them out. it wasn't in a negative light, but he somehow felt like it.

as they were conversing, he then brought up their history course. [name] surprisingly did mention how they were struggling to understand a little and he offered to help them.

they asked where the both of them should go and he bluntly said at his dorm. [name] was confused at first why they wouldn't be doing it at the library.

he simply said it might be a bit troublesome for them as to referring to the girls that swooned over him, even if some girls do have self-control, he still didn't want to risk it.

and he wanted to spend more time with [name] not in training. he wanted to know more about them. miscellaneous things would suffice.

as the day passed, it was finally the time they decided to meet up that johann proposed. he asked [name] to meet him at the basketball court so he could escort them to his dorm.

when they finally came, he started to escort [name]. it was a bit awkward at first, given how the girls they passed by would look at them in envy.

[name] would try and flip them off by either going to scratch their cheek, getting something out of their eyes, or tucking their hair behind their ear using the middle finger.

but johann caught on and said that it doesn't matter and just ignore them for the best. they slightly grumbled, but begrudgingly complied as he is their senior and they didn't want to hear a lecture from a certain someone.

johann sighed, slightly amused but it went unnoticed. as soon as they entered the lionheart's club base, there susie was. she exchanged words with johann until she spotted [name].

she then asked if they were going to join, but johann answered for [name] that they were just looking around and dismissed susie. that made them confused, but thankful either way for their senior for answering for them.

he then led [name] to his dorm, and there they both discussed where they were struggling a bit. they shyly confessed that even tho they could've said that they would just research it, they were thankful for his help.

they can, but it was much more understandable if someone was there teaching it because they could get their possible unanswered questions answered.

johann nodded understanding. it is preferred that most should have a study group so there's a chance someone knows the subject they're studying and can answer simple questions.

as time passed, [name] started to understand more. they scribbled in their notebook while listening to johann. "so.. only the light king, priest- 'inazami' possessed equal power to nidhogg?"

johann nodded, confirming the statement was true, [name] scribbled again and continued, "but she also failed to rebel and renounce his position.. right?"

"yes. you are correct, i must say i am impressed by you..- not only you are quite the fast learner when we train, but also a good listener." [name] scratched their head a bit, "eh.. haha. it's just that i- wait no, you're a good guide and tutor is all.."

'and i like hearing your voice..' [name] felt a bit awkward and looked at the time, it was getting a bit late. they then start to stand up from their comfortable position.

johann was a bit confused at this sudden action, he still wanted to ask some questions. the not-too-personal ones. he couldn't think straight this time and grabbed [name]'s wrist.

"where.. are you going?"

[name]'s eyes widened a bit and looked at him.

"johann?"

his grip on [name] wavered a bit, his action seemingly getting him off-guard. he then loosened his grip and backed away. he pondered about something.

"..i don't know what this feeling is… i feel a sense of euphoria when i see you or… sometimes everything's better when you're here."

"huh?" [name] looked at him dumbfoundedly.

"i'm really glad you're here, but at the same time, i'm not because i'm scared. i'm scared i might lose you too."

"johann senpai? what are you-"

"i hope you know how much you mean to me. i wish you could see in you what i see in you."

[name]'s eyes widen at the sudden statement. they stood in their place shocked. "i… i don't understand you johann.." they ask, their brows furrowing in confusion.

"i don't either. but.."

"i'll hear you out on this. but i don't want it to be too long."

"..why?"

"…"

johann looked at [name] in anticipation, yet they stayed quiet. he asked once again, and [name] suspired.

"because… i don't want to make more assumptions and fall harder."

"why would you fall harder..?-"

"johann senpai, i've had harboured feelings for you. it feels off sometimes. i don't know if- if it's okay given your circumstance and mine."

he looked at [name] expectantly, yet stunned. he didn't expect his junior to also like him. but his brows furrowed. when [name] decided to speak once more, as he had an unanswered question.

"it's not just an infatuation i have for you, it's not just any epitome that i admire. but the way, you are you senpai. i've never loved anyone the way i love you before..''

[name] then took a deep breath before continuing.

"i'd accept your flaws in any way possible, i'd try and understand you better with how you act and maybe i understand.. but i don't. i don't understand how you feel about me. i appreciate you for you-"

"and i do too."

the sudden intervention has [name] stunned. they decided to look at johann, just to see him furrowing his eyebrows. his grasp went back to [name]'s wrist and slightly pulled them closer, but not harshly.

"i like spending time with you. it's nice. i feel calmer when i’m with you. it’s weird. i never thought i could feel like this, but you showed up. now, it’s like i don’t wanna go on knowing i might lose the feeling. and i might end up losing you."

[name]'s hands slightly quivered as his voice wavered. he felt their hands slightly shaking and he held it with the hand he grasped their wrist with.

"..are you okay [name]?.."

[name]'s breath hitches for a bit before taking a deep breath from their mouth and shaking their head, "yeah.. i'm- i'm fine johann."

"no. you aren't fine, did.. did i say something wrong perhaps..?"

johann squeezed their hand gently and rubbed circles on it, this action made [name] tense but relaxed a bit after they snapped out of their trance.

"wha- no!- no, you didn't. i just-"

johann took both of [name]'s hands and held them close to his chest, making the both of them close to each other, but not too close.

"i'm sorry if that caught you off-guard. i just couldn't-"

he was cut off as [name] hugged him and nuzzled their head close. they hummed to themselves and hugged him tighter,

"i like spending time with you too.."

"..then spend the night with me"

"of course."

-

ok bro i know that wasnt really cuddling but man idk :sob: thats all you get please accept it p;ease. im beiggin you

[collegeboysam]

i hope me asking doesn't come off as rude, but do you ever plan to come back to your "you may bury my body" fic?

again im not sure the correct "protocol" ?? for asking things like this but im just curious ^_^

😭😭😭 this is NOT rude at all, if anything is the sweetest and most polite way of asking so don't worry about it <3

Honestly thank you for taking enough interest in the fic to ask about an update! I know it varies from author to author of course, but I personally don't mind being asked at all 🥰

To answer your questions: YES, ABSOLUTELY! I think "you may bury my body" is in the top 3 of my favorite fics I have written. I have so much fun when I'm going over the drafted scenes, researching for them and then completely writing/completing the chaptrs! I'll never leave YMBMB incomplete, I'm committed to finishing it.

I'm hoping and have all my fingers crossed that I'll post the next part this month.

Why I havent updated it yet is a longer story and will yap about it under the cut if you want to know <3

Basically, how YMBMB is written is a little messy? I came up with an entire timeline, then started drafting the chapters by writing the main events/scenes for each one of them and leaving keypoints of secondary scenes as bulletpoints I'd to fill up/complete in the future.

You could say the fic is kind of written from start to end, but only the main scenes between Aemond and Lucerys, so all the "bones and organs" of the body of the story are in place, but all the muscles and skin (the details and seconday scenes) are missing. That's what I have to work on for each update.

So each chapter is written around a 50%-ish I'd say? From start to end.

What I do for each chapter update is: I go over the draft I have already written, then write the missing scenes I initially left as bulletpoints. Many times I make the main scenes I previously wrote longer by adding more details (details of location descriptions, make action sequences and more elaborate or conversations between the main characters longer). Then I re-read the chapter a couple times for misakes (since english is my second language I try to be extra particular about this) and then I post it.

Now, for chapter 6 I kind of backed myself into a corner 😭😭

As I started working on it I realized I wasn't sold in the main scene of the chapter, it didn't feel all that cohesive, so I deleted it and wrote it again from scratch. I kept working on the chapter and as I checked on the rest of the draft I realized by changing the scene I had previosly written I deleted an important plot point that would become very relevant later. It even msessed with the end of the fic.

So I had to go back a second time and re-write the main scene again. I liked the new version better but I needed to reincorporate some points I had deleted (because I forgot how important they were for future chapters lol).

Trying to keep the new version with some of the old version's necessary points in it fucking killed me lol. It took me months to get it right since my workload and day-to-day life didn't give me time to write as much at the end of 2024 . And when I had time I kept adding and deleting, and then adding and deleting some more, until it finally felt right again. The adhd didn't help but that's another issue entirely lmao.

I know I'm being too particular about a fic when is just for fun but asfsdfsf I love writing it so much that I became very passionate about wanting it to come out just as I imagined it.

Thankfully the past few months have not been as hectic and chaotic, which gave me time to work on the fic properly again and not by chunks every other night after work. This is why I could also update the Halloween fic.

Anyhow, I'm much MUCH more pleased with how chapter 6 looks at the moment, I'm still adding details and scenes to it, but the main structure and plotlines of the fic are once again connected and untangled and I feel pretty happy with the result of the rewrite AT LAST 🥰🥰

My goal is to post the update this month, and I'll try my damn hardest to make it so AND to not let so much time go by in between updates for the rest of the story.

Sorry I used part of your ask to bent about the problems I created for myself adnflskfnlkfn prisoner in a cage of my own making tbh. But that's also part of the fun of fic writing I guess lol

When the update comes, I hope you enjoy it <3 Let me know what you think of it when you can 🥰

Thank you again for taking an interest in the story and for coming to ask about it, you're very lovely!

[wayward-aeon]

Hey hello!! Im pretty sure Ive seen you around via divine-elixer's post notes, and Ive popped in and out of your blog for the past few months, and Ive been super curious about how you practice "pop culture paganism" bc Ive kinda wanted to get into sth similiar?

I have lots of fun religious trauma from childhood into adulthood and so i was like, fuck it, we ball, im making a new religion -- but im unsure where to start, but I want to incorporate my kintypes into it (aka, Ganyu having a Morax/Exuvia statuette/shrine).

Im also lumine, so like, *waves from the other side of the reality barrier* same hat meme

Anyway, you dont gotta answer if you dont feel comfy, but I'd just like some vague sense of how you go about your practices to see if any of that appeals to what Id want to create or partake in if that makes sense.

♡♡♡ Have a good one!!! ♡♡♡

- @laputian-lilies (kin blog is @twin-wishing-stars )

hi!! i'm always happy to get messages from fellow gen/shin folk!!!

before anything else, sorry for the delayed response! also, this might get long it got really fucking long, so i'm putting it under a cut.

pop culture paganism is great precisely because it can really be anything you want or need it to be. this makes it really great for those who struggle with religious trauma, or have other aspects of life that interfere with more "mainstream" religious practice (mental illness, disability, simple lack of spare time, etc) because if there's anything you don't want to or can't include, just toss it. you're perfectly welcome to compile all the theoretically enjoyable and comforting things about religion and leave the rest on the curb.

ultimately, your practice will be entirely yours. there's no wrong or right way to do it, as long as it works for you.

for me, as fictionkind, a big part of what makes PCP so appealing is being able to feel more connected to the other worlds i've been, lives i've led, and the people i've met along the way. like, a "no need to be homesick if some of home is still with me" kind of thing.

talking specifically in the context of gen/shin, although i definitely wouldn't consider myself a devotee of the archons, some of them were very dear to me. giving them a sort of platonic reverence, more akin to friends sharing drinks around a bar than a worshipper offering libations, helps me feel connected to them. i do also still acknowledge the power they have, so i might invite them to share it with me in times of need.

as an example, one thing i did as an experiment a while back was draft a couple modified versions of the lesser ritual of the pentagram. these were made in tribute to barb/atos and mor/ax, and in place of the angels or divine names, they called upon the Four Winds and the yaksha, respectively. i haven't used either of them in practice, mostly because frankly i don't have much of a practice to speak of these days (thanks, shitty mental health), but i have complete confidence in their effectiveness just by virtue of my trust in the beings to whom they're dedicated.

this is the part where i interrupt myself to say that i recommend anyone interested in PCP reads a bit about chaos magic. chaos magic is all about the power of belief, and there's a heavy emphasis on individuality and carving one's own path, so their resources and anecdotes can be very helpful to us pop culture practitioners building our own systems from scratch.

anyway, i also like incorporating aspects of technopaganism into my personal practice. a big part of this is virtual shrines and temples! i've been playing a lot of minecraft recently, and creative games like this are perfect for building little temples or tributes to any entity you may acknowledge. there's no need to worry about not having enough space or not being able to afford materials, and they never need to be cleaned. i also adore the sort of shrines you might find on folks' personal webpages, and i'd like to make one for myself when i get around to making my neocities page.

this is something we as gen/shin fictionkind have a foot ahead in, because between our personal teapots and the many religiously significant areas in the game itself, we always have a lot of ways to immerse ourselves and connect directly to the object(s) of our devotion. i don't want to call him out, because he doesn't consider himself religious, but a fellow sourcemate regularly offers incense to the temple of pervases, which i think is a perfect example of this. for me personally, i like to sit in the hands of the barb/atos statue in mond/stadt when i'm feeling down, or need to ground myself, or i just want to feel close.

i would eventually like to incorporate more personally significant things into my physical space, but that means spending money, and i'm forever broke, lmao

in terms of more "traditional" worship, pop culture gods are no different from any other god. you can pray to them, give them offerings, ask them for aid, perform ritual and divination in their name, anything that feels right for you!

other than all that, i guess the biggest thing for me is just acknowledging that, even if i may be far from home physically, i will always have a spiritual connection to the places and people that matter to me. i still see them in my dreams, i still hear them in whispers on the wind. and i know they can hear me, too.

i think that's all i have to say. forgive me if its disjointed or not very coherent at times, i'm very scatterbrained these days. thank you for the ask, and i wish you luck on your journey!

[stxrvel]

im just passing by to let you guys know the next things:

there will be no part two of closer, sorry :(, i wrote it as a stand alone and im gonna put it on the warnings or the note.

i havent started the sixth part of calmly remember, but ive got something orchestrated out there in my drafts. its probably gonna take time.

i am currently writing another bucky oneshot which came out of a prompt i saw here on tumblr that basically said: a mercenary gets an extra reward while working as a bodyguard, but the assassination order is on the same person they are already hired to protect, and the title's gonna be lethal double-play, so i hope you're looking forward to it. and i can say that im already in the 20 or 30% of the whole fic.

i am also writing a jungkook fic, that already has five parts completed, but i haven't been so sure whether to publish it or not, because all of my works have been just bucky barnes and i also dont know when ill write another bts inspired fic, so that would be it. it's a royal au and ive been working on it for the last six months. so, we'll se.

im ALSO writing an azriel from acotar oneshot but i just have like 5% of the whole fic, it's really fresh. i dont think that one is seeing the light anytime soon, and just the same thoughts of number four above.

i have neither planned nor begun to write another part of how to break a routine in one year, and i actually thought about rewriting it from scratch because i lost the path that made me write that story in the first place.

and last but not least, i have write and rewrite a request i had since like january and i dont know why everytime i start writing it i erased everything and again and again and again. i just dont find the perfect way to start it even tho it's all fluff and happiness!! its such a cute and pretty fic to write. im so sorry for the person who requested it bc its been a long wait, but im still trying and i promise i will make it out.

and i think that's all. love you all. thank you for your patience.

[ne0nlightzz]

SUP, IM BACK YA MOTHER FUCKIN LOVELY PEOPLE! IM BACK FOR WRITING!

Welp, atleast I hope I'm back! I haven't started writing the next chapter yet....and am currently rereading my own story, drafts and notes and am going to hopefully get my writing journal with my physically written and more important notes soon ish since it's at my parents house in my room. But I'm really hoping to get back into the swing of things and back into writing after around roughly a year break.

In regards to the topic of my hiatus and a sorta life update in a way and explanation on why i dissappeared(writing related further down if you wish to skip this)

I will say that my break was originally meant to be short and just so I could get my motivation back and come up with ideas, because at the time when even my updates and random stuff posted on my activity/convo board (Qoutev+Wattpad) had started to slow to absolutely nothing, was actually around the same time my grandpa had been in the hospital for awhile due to medical issues, and also a big part outside of my family was that I'd gone off my adhd medication due to not being able to refill my prescription and my mom not having time to bring me to a med check, and around the same time my mental health hit a low i hadny hit in awhile. I did infact end up back on my meds in like late March of 2024 or something, but by then I was very out of the writing spunk and ideas and just kinda stayed in that low, and continued to stay in that low pretty consistently to the point I wasn't getting in any form of a better mindset and I stated roughly like that until late july to August, and just around when I started feeling like I was doing better I'd gotten stuck with a puppy I didn't particularly want, and I'm by no means a puppy person but we had found a super sick stray like three month old puppy and taken it in and I ended up super attached despite the fact I'm not someone who by any means should have a puppy but I did it, and it's been rough and draining and has left me with little time to write or to myself, especially since he had to be kept separate from my family's other three dogs while he was getting better and then still has to be separated because my mom's dog is reactive thanks to our neighbors dog (which I won't get into) but since early October I've been living with my sister consistently and just have been busy and still not totally doing great, and more family stuff in regards to grandparents and their health has been consistent since late September of 2024 again even to now in February of 2025. But my puppy who's named Douglas and I now love with my whole being is finally starting to calm down and is getting to point where I can have a bit of free time to myself to do things like write again, hell I'm also hoping I'll be feeling better but won't jinx anything by being overly positive there.

In regards to writing again-

I don't promise that the next chapter of DFTS will be very long or overly amazing, I'll try my best but if there ate inconsistencies or more grammatical errors then before I'm apologizing now because I'll be trying my best. I have to completely start from scratch now, I need to find my writing style again, and while I've written small short wips that are trash here and there for my own entertainment I won't be posting those as they aren't related by any means and...they're just trash. But the POV of my writing might shift, as well as my language, grammar and just style as whole but since I'm still me ill assume it won't be to drastically different. I might work on a few old requests feom tumblr before jumping straight back into DFTS so I can practice and get back a sense of my writing style but we'll see what i end up doing because I'm still not sure of it all yet. But I know I do still love writing and reading even if I also took a huge break from reading stuff as well. 

-More DFTS related specifically I guess-

I had drafts for the next chapter, I swear I had two rough drafts and different versions of how chapter six would go, and I think I have the plot line in the notebook I dony currently have which sucks but I'll hopefully aquire soon. I had more recently messed around with the one of two versions I have, which is actually the only version I have access to because I can very specifically remember the second one but also can't and I can't find it anywhere on my phone(which I did infact switch phones....but all my notes transferred so I don't really know there). But anyway I have tweaked and messed around with the one draft I have access to, and I decided i actually hate it but I'm thinking I might make it a short under 2000 word filler and teaser for the upcoming chapters I hope to make good. I also have a super old ass draft I found for like what was i think originally chapter two, but its still a really cute chapter and I think one of my first real fluff chapters, and I'm thinking I'll post it on my behind the scenes as a scrapped draft since I don't hate it but it just doesn't quite fit the storyline anymore.

———

This is super long and I'm writing this in my notes, if my grammar here isn't great then I apologize, I'll edit it later from my laptop. I just wanted to make this announcement or author's note or life update or whatever before people either think I've died, abandoned my stories for good or similar plus before I post a new chapter out of no where. I just wanted to speak and clear stuff up and make it known I didn't quit, not for good atleast. I make no promises when the next full chapter will be but I might post a filler one out of a draft just for fun and post that old draft fifteen year old me wrote back in 2023, which feels so weird to say....I will add this is also a means of me getting back into the Creepypasta fandom and the Slenderverse fandoms and all too which I'm actually looking pretty forward to since I'd kill to binge watch Marble hornets all the way for once or start watching EMH again and reading up on creepypasta fics since I have no idea how the Fandom is like now or if it's changed any...but knowing the Creepypasta and Slenderverse fandoms, I'll assume it hasn't changed much and is still the super cool Fandom and community as before.

Anyway I'm making myself shut up now, I'm supposed to be folding laundry not writing this.

Please remember to stay hydrated and to take care of yourselves luvs and I can't wait to get back into the writing, the community and Fandom and talking to everything again because i really do miss it all so much and say everything I've said with a lighthearted tone and such, even if some of it's more personal and kinda crappy! And also if anyone has absolutely anything to say or ask...feel free to do so!

-Luv Lee<3

Written and posted to main writing soiclas 2/4/2025 -

[herecomesmary]

Note 24 july

I was so confused when you came back. What did you see now that you didn't see before? Did I changed? I did. I crafted this change everyday for a couple months. Everytime I woke up I decided I had to choose to hold tight to what I still had with me. And I realized I had to work from inside-out. What was left from my spirit, any sense of humanity that could keep me anything resembled a human. A woman. I drew so many versions of this that's walking around the streets right now. And it's still a poor draft. This isn't nearly close to what i wanted to be. The body feels deformed. This mind, fragile. If I look fast enough, I can see the meaningless thing I was just a year ago. I can't think a lot about that, so I just go and do stuff. Everything is a task I accomplish, objectively. And I can't hesitate cause hesitation opens space for doubt. After my first period of grief, I was so sure that this was the right path for me, the only path. After all, I was crawling after a man who wanted anything before he wanted me. Before he wanted to meet my needs. You move forward from that because you can't move even deeper into a situation so hurtful. And when I started to take a distance, you ran in my direction so fast, a passion so desperate. Love. Needs. Wanting to see my face, my mind, my body. But soon enough, this wasn't sufficient. And now you told me it's hard to breathe when im not with you. You want to occupy my thoughts again - as if you didnt lived rant free inside my brain for years-, my fingertips touching you again, my fingerprints everywhere, my mouth warm, my tongue wet, my eyes and my gaze, my eyelashes and the shadow they cast when i look away. My long hair, moving. You desire my scars, my breath, my breasts, and my nipples getting hard. My tights getting rounder, my knees getting scratches and my legs soft, my ankles hard. My neck and veins pulsing, my colarbones jumping, my sholders curved, and my back arched. You feel like you need my hands to hold and over you, my feet to walk after you, and my toes to move when you kiss me. You want even my pretty small nose to smell you and the air leaving my lungs as I exhale, the tastes my skin provides and it's perfume, sour and sweet. You yarn for the fluids that I produce with my mouth and my cunt, to drink them and kill that thirst that's been killing you. I understand you fantasize touching every inch of my body with your hands, and your fingers to fill my holes, and use your mouth to rediscover what you had under your wing before. It's like you never had me, or like you didn't paid attention when I was served on a silver plate, on your bed. I've been your breakfast, lunch and dinner before on and on, and now, starving, you're asking me for any appetizers I could give you. And as I get hopeful you might finally love me as I love you still, at the same time I wait for your interest to dissolve like sugar on water. And than, I'll drink whatever is left as my final cocktail of you.

[thoma-daily]

im gently picking up ayaitto in my hands. holding them. i rlly need to do more research on them orz

this has been sitting in my drafts for awhile so i suppose ill post em now!

ayaitto prerelationship headcanon time!

ayato knows of itto before they meet, of course--he thought he was strange, but harmless.

he's completely caught off-guard though when itto calls him over to watch an onikabuto match between him and a kid; no reservations whatsoever.

for only a minute, ayato thinks that itto may be trying to get his foot in the door to grander things... and is immediately proven wrong when he doesn't bring up his title at all, and simply doesn't know that ayato is the yashiro commissioner

ayato again... just completely thrown off, but in the most delightful way possible in his eyes.

being able to relax like he's a kid again, after having to manage the commission from such a young age, is a breath of fresh air

and its even more interesting to him that although he has a tendency to not appear for months at a time, itto still thinks of them as close friends

so he keeps in touch with itto when possible, albeit usually by having thoma hand things off to him; smaller things that he doesn't care much for but knows itto would appreciate, like special drinks and snacks or a new set of cards. small tokens of appreciation

ayato also has a tendency to suggest odd jobs from the yashiro commission when itto needs money, just so that he can see him a bit more. (itto does not still realize that he's the yashiro commissioner.)

ayato is affectionate from afar; he already knows that itto wouldn't give up the gang or anything for him, so he doesn't bother asking. he simply gives small things to itto and resolves some of the problems the arataki gang gets into some of the time. (not all of them of course! it builds character to have to figure things out... and also it's amusing.)

on itto's end... god this man is so fucking clueless. love him

itto thinks of ayato as just a total bro, always sending little gifts and helping out, albeit indirectly. and he's so well spoken! itto takes some notes from him, and offers him a place in the gang, which ayato declines

shinobu knows who ayato is. the whole gang knows who ayato is. shinobu has tried to tell him and itto just scratched his head and went "well maybe it's a different ayato?"

shinobu does keep an eye on ayato though, she does NOT trust him at all.

itto tries to reciprocate all the little things that ayato sends him--usually little diy art things, that admittedly are really bad. ayato has a collection of them and they're very precious to him

[blueflameart]

did u ask for gorou 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

imagine him having a crush on reader. he's trying so hard to focus on strategizing the battle plan but then guess who joined the meeting? reader! his tail starts wagging uncontrollably it's so cute i wanna scratch his ears and call him a good boy 😍

This is so cute

And I completely agree with that last part 🥴

Gorou had his full attention on the battle plan that kokomi was explaining in the meeting. Not a twitch of the ear was seen from him, completely focused on the plans ahead.

Well- that was until you showed up to the meeting, the former stilled ears where twitching. Your scent filled his nose and took control on his mind. It was so cute to see the general all distracted because you walked in.

He silently pleaded for kokomi to hurry up the meeting, he was fighting to urge to keep his tail from wagging. It was just so difficult! Why’d you have to walk in on a battle plan? Now he’s gonna be lost when the war actually starts.

Of course gorou thought he was slick for having a crush on you, key word, thought. Kokomi knew, his soldiers knew, kazuha knew, you knew…

Every so often he could feel your stare on him, gorou was nothing but a nervous wreck. He completely lost control of his tail when he glanced at your smirking face looking right down/up at him.

Oh no…

He knew you knew, he knows now, gorou is sweating, his fluffy tail breaks into a rapid wagging. Kokomi giggles and so do the other participants in the meeting. This was so embarrassing! How could you do this to him?

Gorou a face is exploding in a huge blush, he heard you chuckle and stiffened when he felt you ruffle his hair between his ears.

He is so gonna get you back for this… just you wait (Y/n).

Ya a lot of my drafts are months to a year late 😭

IM TRYING IM SO SORRY I HOPE U LIKED ITT