#They ruined my mental health bit by bit for years with no remorse

[vizthedatum]

I finally went downstairs this morning, and I SCREAMED.

I caught two mice in my mouse trap I laid out last night.

--

A part of me honestly thought I was hallucinating the initial findings of mouse droppings - there weren't that many but I had cleaned up so much excrement back in my cursed relationship with my ex-spouse that I could tell what they were instantly.

I thought I was traumatized. (I was severely psychologically manipulated into not taking a mouse infestation problem seriously - even though I researched, found solutions (including humane ones!), bought equipment, tried to clean as much as I could, etc. I was let down time and time again)

But I took the right steps this time - by myself. I cleaned, rearranged, cleared off areas, disinfected, and laid out traps. And messaged my landlord and asked for help. (I even told my family and friends, and they've been so supportive.)

--

I'm proud of myself.

[hartage]

gimme mother (erzsi)

i am trying my best not to turn this into a long-winded aushun post, but aushun is one of the central ships that i focus on & hungary is a huge component in my own canon / historical hetalia stuff ?? 

but here a few things i think about:

the relationship between both rodi and ersz​é​bet is very complex and runs deep -  the two of them know each other incredibly well, but that doesn’t mean that they weren’t like cat and dog in their younger years. 

ersz​é​bet genuinely saw rodi as a means to an end when she married him, and vice versa. the 1848 revolution i think was a turning point for both of them. before, hungarian nobles did convince the hapsburg government that they were a “...special unit of hapsburg land and had to be ruled in conformity with its own special laws.” but, it was clear that rodi didn’t take that seriously, and worked for cultural hegemony rather than accepting erszi for who she is. a central theme to all of is this is that erszi is a victim of her own soul searching. she desperately wants to be accepted for who she is, and all of her-- not just bits and pieces. 

erszi is a woman who’s brash, rude, ‘unladylike’ (in victorian standards at least), and a non-conformist. she is a beautiful representation of being the complete opposite of rodi, who constantly seeks to keep the status quo. erszi had always known that rodi did things for his own interest, and out of his own self-preservation. but she saw him as a means to an end, that to dabble with rodi was the only way to give herself autonomy. 

rodi is a complex man himself, and i could go into his own thought process later, but its clear that rodi’s self-preservation cannot allow any provisional ‘thorns in his side’. he’ll get what he wants, even if that means ruining whoever or whatever is trapped in between. 

however, post 1848, rodi was at a point where he knew that the situation between himself, and the rest of europe was dire. rodi performed horribly during the deutscher bruderkrieg (austro-prussian war), and now with the aspect of ludwig (a young child at this time) being a central theme in gilbert’s motivations, it meant that rodi and erszi had to act fast. marriage for them was their only solution.

i think people often like to say that both of them hated each other throughout their marriage, and that rodi’s marriage to erszi was the last of his ‘political marriages’, which the latter is true. 

however, a political marriage does not mean that there wasn’t any mutual feelings between the two. the complexity of keeping a relationship during the mid 1800’s-- a time of significant societal and political upheaval, is central to how ersz​é​bet changed. i think erszi became a completely different person between the time of 1873-1914. i say 1873 rather than 1870, or even 1867 because there was a bit of time where erszi intensely loathed rodi, and throughout their marriage felt a tad bit of remorse for being the ‘preferred one’ compared to her counterparts like nikoleta (czech), or other nations in the empire. she went from a complete life of struggle and hardship to a luxurious lifestyle that made even some of the biggest world powers envious. her lifestyle back allowed her the comfort to let those things go to her head.

however, during the fin de siècle, i believe rodi’s attitude began to bother ersz​é​bet. she saw him go completely neutral during crimea, and it left her hopeful that rodi had grown from the militarism that dominated their relationship in the early days. however, after the mayerling crisis, and the assassination of empress sisi, ersz​é​bet began to see roderich’s attitude change wildly. he became obsessed with revenge, to the point where erszi grew arguably a terrible coping mechanism-- forcing herself to become indifferent to rodi’s worsening mental health issues, and ignoring his abysmal actions in the balkans. 

 much like the PM at the time (istván tisza), erszi was originally opposed to the war. i think at this point, specifically during the july crisis, it brought erszi to realize that rodi once again was only doing this for his own self-interest, that his selfishness was not sagacious, nor was it even resourceful to the betterment of their peers at all. tisza is quoted with saying "it was a difficult decision to take a stand to propose war, but now i am firmly convinced of its necessity", while still being against the annexation of serbia. it was clear that erszi had become parsimonious with her opinions, because even if she didn’t solely believe in the things rodi was doing, she perpetuated it. she never spoke up. 

erszi probably would argue with people like nikoleta that she was afraid to speak up against rodi at the time, but i think it’s quite obvious that erszi wanted to have the best of both worlds-- the luxurious lifestyle she gained from rodi, coupled with the idea of holding enough power to never be controlled again. 

“tough to those above and humane to those below" is the best way i could explain erszi in one sentence, but this sentence doesn’t mean that erszi was always like that. she fell victim to her own ego, like many of us do.

in 1918, woodrow wilson was intentionally vague with his tenth point, “the people of austria-hungary, whose place among the nations we wish to see safeguarded and assured, should be accorded the freest opportunity to autonomous development.”

wilson saught compromise between the two goals that he had. to keep stability-- but also giving each nationality the choice to decide their fate; a wink towards revolution, and the beginning of the end to ersz​é​bet’s relationship with rodi and the emergence of her (and other nations’) independence.

[maplecornia]

chapter 27

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 1.39K

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔞/𝔫: so the continuous posting every day has now officially ended now that we have caught up in the story ^^ so be expecting updates every Saturday instead of every day lmao

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language

tags: @kookaine | @fangirl125reader | @kookiebbyxx | @taradevonne | @rae-bear |@mangminnie | @pixiekooo

The door opens before you have a chance to turn away.

You don't know why you're so scared, but you do know that being called in to meet the chairman of HYBE entertainment isn't necessarily a good thing. Especially when you haven't even started your first day yet.

Swallowing hard, you step forward, almost wanting to reach out and take Namjoon's hand. If you do, maybe then you have someone to lean on. Someone to help you not feel so afraid. However, his presence behind you offers you more than enough comfort and you take a breath, grateful that you have his moral support.

The door shutting tightly behind the two of you, you raise your eyes to find BangPD sitting at the head of the room, his chin resting on his hands. You pause in the doorway, waiting for his invitation to sit as he regards you with those small thoughtful eyes. Unable to stand the uncomfortable tension, you clear your throat.

"What's going on?" you murmur, your voice weak despite the attempt to strengthen it. BangPD smiles at your question and leans back in his chair, nodding slightly to Namjoon.

"Mrs. Lin, please take a seat." He requests, and Namjoon obliges, placing his hand on the small of your back to lead you to a small sofa set amid the massive office. As he sits you down, he takes your hand in his own before resting on the cushion next to you. Inwardly, you smile, feeling a bit of the fear ebbing away.

"Did I do something wrong?" You inquire, peering up at him as BangPD rests on the cool gray couch opposite of you.

"Of course not." He chuckles at your innocent question before leaning back in the chair and resting his face on his hand. As though he were measuring you up, making sure you fit his standards. You squirm a bit under his gaze, and Namjoon glares at him, his hold on your hand growing subconsciously tighter. "I simply wanted to ask you a question, a proposal if you will."

You bite your lip in nervous anticipation, regarding him with wary eyes. At your silence, his smile grows, and it makes you uncomfortable. Somehow, you know that you are not in control of the situation. Feeling that slip away, you don't know if you'll be able to conduct yourself properly.

After a moment, he leans forward and picks up a remote. He presses a button and a small speaker on the table crackles to life. There's a few moments of static before a voice fills the voice, and your heart pummels to your stomach.

Your voice.

Your blood turning cold, you look up at BangPD with wide eyes.

What is he going to do? Am I fired? Will Jaejin lose his job?

Turning to Namjoon, you try to read his expression, but he's focused solely on the chairman, his expression unreadable.

What does he think? Is he upset with me?

It's not even your first day, and already you're in deeper water than you signed up for.

"I--" you begin, but BangPD pauses the track and leans forward towards you, cutting you off.

"Is this you?" he murmurs. You wonder why he's asking a question, he already knows the answer to. Stunned, you don't answer him, and he smiles once more, leaning back. There's a moment of silence, as the two of you regard each other. One in confusion, the other in amusement.

Biting your bottom lip, you can't help but feel a bit indignant. Why is he playing with you? Is this some kind of game? You don't want to be a piece on his little chessboard.

Before you can open your mouth to respond, Namjoon brushes your cheek, gathering your attention. You flinch before turning to him, but he doesn't look fazed. Instead, his hand tightens around yours, and those solemn eyes bore into yours, calming you without so much as a second glance.

"Yen, you're talented. BangPD thinks so as well."

When he says those words, you can't help but feel a taste of bile rising in your throat. You bite your bottom lip, trying to keep yourself from hyperventilating, but when you see his face pass over Namjoon's kind eyes, it's hard not to. Your hand tightens, nails digging into your palm, as you try to calm yourself down, erase toxic memories that refuse to let you free.

"What?" you murmur, your voice hoarse and terrified.

"Ms. Lin, what I'm about to offer you is something that could drastically affect your life and the future of our company." Turning to the renowned chairman, you can hear the pounding of your heartbeat reverberating in your ears. You don’t notice the flash of remorse across Namjoon’s eyes, nor the way he tightens his jaw as soon as BangPD speaks. "So I want you to seriously consider before responding."

"What are you talking about?" you nearly snap, but he doesn't say anything more, just places a file on the table. He pushes it towards you, and though reluctantly, you draw your hand out of Namjoon's grip, pulling the file into your lap.

You regard BangPD with wary eyes before opening the file.

"What is this?" you murmur, squinting at the neatly printed Korean.

"A contract."

You balk, nearly dropping the papers in your lap as you look up at him. You can feel the fear growing tighter in the pit of your stomach, his voice coming back to haunt you once more. BangPD smiles at your silence, his eyes softening.

"Ms. Lin, I would like to sign you as a trainee. Underneath BigHit entertainment."

Your hand tightening around the document, you swallow hard.

"What?"

Not again, oh God please don't let it happen again.

"Yen, this is your dream isn't it?" Namjoon asks from beside you, his hand resting on your knee, an attempt to calm you down. Namjoon doesn’t know why he’s saying this, shouldn’t he be stopping you? Shouldn’t he be finding reasons so you could say no? But inwardly, he cannot stand to see your face change that way. He can’t stand to see you afraid. His heart aches every time he sees that look in your eyes.

BangPD catches the exchange, his eyes calculating and silent.

Interesting.

"You don't have to make a decision right now." He sighs resting his head on his hand once more. You look up at him, your eyes bare and vulnerable and he squints, intrigued. You may seem like an open book, but Bang Sihyuk can tell that there is more behind your innocence. He wonders if he wants to know what secrets they keep. "I'll give you a week to think it over."

Your mouth turning dry, you try not to show your relief. Maybe after a week, he'll forget. Maybe after a week, you won't be so interesting.

After all, it's not that hard to forget about me.

You try not to be bitter about the thought, but you can't help it. After all, Namjoon was right.

This is your dream.

Looking down at the contract, you grit your teeth as though that would make the lump in your throat disappear.

This was your dream.

So why did he have to ruin it?

After a moment, BangPD nods to Namjoon, and he stands. Tapping you softly on the shoulder, he pulls you up with him, your hands clinging onto the contract as though it were a lifeline. Concerned about your current condition, RM peers into your face. You look up at him with a blank gaze, as though something inside you had been fractured.

His eyes are expectant, waiting for a sign that you won't break down. Smiling weakly, you nod to him, and he grins back before taking you by the arm and guiding you out of the office.

"I want you to know," BangPD calls after you just as Namjoon's hand rests on the doorknob. You turn back to him, confused. He looks up at you from his chair, his hand massaging his temple as he regards you with those small cold calculating eyes. "I believe you have a gift."

You swallow at the words, somehow feeling small and insignificant. At your demeanor, Sihyuk narrows his eyes before sighing and turning away, dismissing you with a final farewell.

"It would be a shame to waste it."

𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢: what do you think she should do?

chapter 28 here

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[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Bad Manners (S2, E5)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:35 - Martin totally thought John Watkins abducted and killed Ainsley. Mark my words. 

0:44 - Holy. Shit. Ainsley is FIVE years old (or younger) here right? A five year old with that much determination?!?! She literally stayed silent in that clock for probably hours......and no one was concerned about this kid when Martin was arrested because...?

1:09 - Anyone else impressed with Malcolm’s aim here? Just me?

1:20 - Gil and Malcolm talking about sleep and murder is so freaking sweet. <3 Honestly, they’re acting like friends instead of co-workers and it warms my cold dead heart. 

1:29 - Does Gil become a grumpy old man when he doesn’t get 8 hours sleep? I really want to know now. 

1:39 - OMG. Gil pointing at Ainsley here is hilarious. He’s totally acting like some weird mix of a stern pissed off high-school teacher, and a step-dad trying to discipline an unruly teen. hahaha AND MALCOLM’S FACE. Look how done Malcolm is. He looks so so tired, sad, and exasperated. 

1:44 - Wow. Girl power. Ainsley has those camera guys bending to her will. I honestly would’ve thought they would just read the situation and turn the camera off themselves. 

1:47 - “It’s not a game.” Yikes. I have thoughts about this:

Malcolm is right - it’s not a game. 

Malcolm is a bit of a hypocrite for saying that to Ainsley. Although, to his credit even when Malcolm is excited/inappropriately happy about murder it’s always pretty clear that he thinks murder is wrong, and that he has sympathy for the victims and their families. 

Ainsley does not have that same sympathy for the victims. That much is clear later in this episode. 

Pretty sure the writers are trying to turn Ainsley into a serial killer this season. 

2:13 - “You know I like to share these things with my friends.” .....does this mean Malcolm thinks Dani and JT are his friends now? Last I checked (Ep 1x05) Malcolm didn’t have friends. This absolutely melts my heart. <3 I’m honestly so happy that Malcolm considers someone other than Gil to be his friend.

2:18 - “We lost Dani to vice.” .....What is vice? AND WHAT IS THE REAL LIFE REASON THAT DANI WASN’T IN THIS EPISODE?!? 

2:19 - Edrisa has a medical degree right? She has to know how dangerous consuming that much caffeine is right? Plus aren’t energy drinks super dangerous if you drink a lot of them (or maybe that’s just what adults in my neighbourhood told kids)?

2:30 - Edrisa SHINES in this episode. She’s so funny and awkward and I just love her. 

2:36 - hahaha Gil has adopted the whole team. Look at him throwing the “Dad warning stare” at Edrisa. 

3:31 - Why does Edrisa start bouncing around looking upset when Malcolm says, “rejection is a powerful motivator”?!?! Has she recently been broken up with or something? Is this a reference to how she has a crush on Malcolm (who doesn’t reciprocate)? I WANT MORE INFORMATION.

3:47 - TWIZZLERS!!! <3 Damn I love how this tiny detail about Malcolm’s character keeps coming up. 

3:55 - Ainsley is on a rampage this episode. She’s so determined ...actually she’s acting a lot like Jessica (think girl in the box bracelet). However, unlike Jessica, Ainsley’s motives aren’t about justice or the safety of her loved ones.  Ainsley is chasing personal gain (career) with a side of (a subconscious?) need to be exposed to murder and her father’s twisted world. 

4:05 - This whole interaction between Ainsley and Malcolm is really interesting. Ainsley is knowingly manipulating Malcolm to get the answers she wants. We’ve seen her do it in 2x4 and 1x19. She knows her big brother would do anything for her. It makes sense, they’re five years apart and after the trauma they experienced as children Malcolm felt responsible to protect Ainsley. He never wants to disappoint Ainsley. Not a burden he should’ve had to deal with but I digress. PLUS Malcolm looks weary of Ainsley here. He knows what she’s doing. He’s scared that she’s turning to the dark side. But he still gives her the answers because if he doesn’t - that means something has changed. He thinks that would make Ainsley suspicious and then she might remember what happened to Endicott. He’s scared of and for Ainsley. 

4:32 - OKAY. I’ll say it. The thing that annoys me the most about this episode is that it suggests that Ainsley was a debutant when in 1x6 AINSLEY TELLS MARTIN SHE WAS NEVER A DEBUTANT. She went to etiquette school - I guess that doesn’t strictly mean she also did debutant balls but it sort of suggests it in the context of this episode? Did she actually graduate from the etiquette school (there was bullying, maybe she was expelled/dropped out similar to Malcolm and Remington?)?

4:59 - “No stabbies” OMG. How is this show not classified as a comedy?!? Istg I laugh harder watching this ‘drama’ then I do watching most of the shows that call themselves ‘comedies’.

5:35 - It’s honestly kind of amazing that Ainsley and Malcolm are as ‘sane’ as they are. They were raised by a stubborn predatory psychopath and a stubborn rich meddling socialite. They had no chance of normalcy. Look at the amount of pleasure Martin is currently getting by throwing his son under the bus with regards to Jessica. 

 5:45 - “No actually, I cleaned it up.”.....does this have a dual meaning? Did Martin do something to make Malcolm dispose of the body? We already know that Martin has tried some sort of conditioning on Malcolm (remember ‘C’mon boy!’ from 1x14? The stabbing?). What if Martin said some sort of trigger word to control Malcolm and coerced Malcolm into getting rid of the body? What if this isn’t the first time?

6:05 - Ainsley is a sociopath. I’m calling it again. I called it when I first watched Q&A (1x7) because the way she treated Malcolm was more than just selfish/careless. It was cruel and she didn’t feel any remorse for literally broadcasting her brother’s private health details on television. That is messed up. I honestly won’t be shocked if the writers make Ainsley a full blown serial killers (although I’m not sure I want that because I don’t know how Malcolm would remain the main character if the story goes in that direction?). 

6:12 - Poor Jessica. I honestly feel really bad for her. Sure, she’s a headstrong alcohol dependant crazy rich woman. She also has a good heart. She’s been dealt a pretty shitty hand when it comes to relationships (minus Gil but she ruined that because she’s a MORON) and now she’s terrified that her own children have become monsters and she blames herself. She definitely hasn’t been a perfect mother but I don’t think she’s to blame for Ainsley and Malcolm’s obsession with murder. If these kids had a different bio dad, they would probably just have a low-key drug problem or some other common rich kid baggage. 

6:15 - “You know that’s not how cancer works right?” LOL. hahahaha

6:33 - Martin kind of has a point. There’s no rehab for murder. That’s why he’s been in jail for 20 years and he still wants to kill people. In my opinion, given what we’ve seen of Ainsley’s personality: as soon as she fully remembers that night - she’s gone. She’ll go full serial killer and Jessica and Malcolm will lose her forever. 

6:40 - Jessica’s little jazz hand finger twinkle as she spins on her heel and leaves Martin kills me. It’s so extra. It’s so funny. And it’s sooo Jessica. 

6:47 - Damn. Martin is pissed. I’m worried. That’s murder-level rage. If he escapes ISTG Martin is going to try and kill Gil. For so many reasons 1) because he hates Gil, 2) it’ll hurt Jessica, and 3) killing Gil will eliminate his ‘Dad’ competition. 

6:54 - Edrisa on caffeine is AMAZING.

7:43 - I love Edrisa but her blatant, unreciprocated crush on Malcolm is honestly getting a little creepy. 

7:52 - Gil spent all last season drinking out of a Yankee’s mug. Doesn’t that mean he’s a baseball fan? Why doesn’t he know this pitcher guy?

7:56 - hahahaa “Where is JT?” Because obviously JT is the team sports fan. 

8:22 - Does Gil get nightmares about cases? He always seems really uncomfortable around the dead bodies. 

8:45 - “And suddenly I’m wide awake” SERIOUSLY - is anyone else laughing every 60 seconds when they watch this show? Is my sense of humour just super dark and messed up?

8:54 - YES. The liquorice is BACK.

9:00 - I love Malcolm talking to JT about his obsession with candy. I love how Malcolm doesn’t even hesitate before giving JT an honest answer. Malcolm is acting like JT’s annoying little brother and I am here for it. One thing I did notice though - Malcolm specifically mentions candy+dopamine but doesn’t mention his depression/anxiety. Processed sugar can be a short-term (unhealthy) way to boost your mood. It’s why some people eat their feelings. I really want more backstory about Malcolm with the lollipops and licorice though. 

9:19 - “But you didn’t do anything wrong.” Awwww Malcolm is so soft here. I love how much he genuinely cares about JT. <3 I love how JT is comfortable enough with Malcolm to give him an honest answer. <3 THEIR RELATIONSHIP HAS GONE THROUGH SUCH A GLOW UP. <3 

9:32 - “Like toy dolls?” hahaha the way Malcolm perked up here. All I could think was “SQUIRREL!” hahaha. 

9:41 - Malcolm is doing better than he has been the past few episodes? I mean he’s still suffering and he’s still in a terrible mental state. BUT he also seems happier? IDK maybe he’s just entered the more manic nervous energy stage of his emotions as opposed to the depressed and scared stage. 

9:49 - “Deep childhood trauma”. So we’re looking for a debutant killer with childhood trauma who is chasing perfection? Debutant = rich lady culture. Like Ainsley. AND Ainsley went to the same etiquette school as the first two victims. The writer’s wanted us to assume the killer was Ainsley for the first 15 mins of this episode right? I’m not the only one seeing it?

10:04 - “My sister went there too.” ....why is there something super attractive about the way that line was delivered?

10:08 - I’m so done with this absolute tom foolery. Why does the team keep splitting up into two teams - where one team is JUST MALCOLM. The one who is unarmed and technically a civilian?!? This makes no logical sense to me (except for plot).

10:25 - Was Martin just about to say, “Just like the old days”?!? Is Martin referring to Endicott? OR is Martin referring to something that Malcolm’s repressed from his childhood?

10:30 - “I always root for the bad guys.” .....finally some truth from Martin.

10:40 - Soooooo I guess Mr. David doesn’t know? I promise you Mr. David has suspicions though. How could he not?!?!

11:24 - “It was brutal for Ains.” Look at how sad Malcolm is! Ugh. This hurts so much. He clearly loves his sister so so much and what she’s done is slowly killing him. I honestly think that part of the reason Malcolm helped Ainsley dispose of the body is that Malcolm doesn’t want to loose his sister. His sister is one of the only good things he’s always been able to count on. If word gets around that she’s a killer - Malcolm’s fragile world gets shattered a little more and I don’t know if Malcolm can recover mentally from that. 

11:36 - “Teasing made her capable of...stuff.” C’MON. There’s no way Mr. David doesn’t know. 

11:45 - Sooo is Martin saying that he recognized that Ainsley was a sociopath when she was a small child? Or did she just respond to his (or John Watkins’) grooming much ‘better’ than Malcolm?

11:56 - “Because she’s her mother’s” Okay. So I see the point. I can see that Ainsley is driven and stubborn like Jessica. BUT it feels like Martin is suggesting that Jessica is capable of murder? Which - I honestly don’t think she is. If anything - Malcolm is more like Jessica than Ainsley is.

11:59 - There was a look in Martin’s eyes when he was comparing Ainsley to Jessica that really freaked me out. I can’t figure out why. It makes me wonder if Martin still somehow views Jessica as ‘his possession’ (he refers to her as his wife all the time but I always assumed that was just to get a rise out of people?). Martin’s dream from 2x4 certainly suggests that he still wants Jessica romantically. I honestly think he’s going to try to escape and rekindle the romance with Jess; and it’s going to go very poorly when Jessica rejects him. 

12:06 - Preach JT. Preach. This is creepy af. 

13:00 - Ugh. Of course this creep has a history of indecent exposure. Now I understand why Gil and JT were hostile with the dude right from the start. 

13:12 - Man. People will use the Bible to justify anything. No wonder people hate Christians ( I say this as a practicing Christian).

13:18 - JT is such a good dude. I’m so glad he’s a dad now. <3 He’s going to be such a good one. <3

13:26 - “One phone call and this place will be shut down.” OH SHIT. GIL THAT IS VICIOUS AND I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

13:35 - I soooo thought that dude was going to sprint out of that room. 

14:30 - THIS. YES. This is why I have a problem with Ainsley’s enthusiasm for murder vs. Malcolm’s. Ainsley’s enthusiasm is centred on her nee to ‘get the story’. She’s obsessed with forwarding her career and as a result she’s treating crime like a competitive sport. Malcolm’s obsession (while it can border on creepy and reckless) is always centred on his need to find the killer and stop the murders. Malcolm is seeking justice and his heart is in the right place. I can’t say the same for Ainsley.

14:31 - “We’re brother and sister, everything is a competitive sport”.....whoever wrote this doesn’t have a sibling they experienced trauma with as a kid (and as a result was raised by a single parent). Seriously, my dad was abusive he lived with us until I was 10 and my brother was 7. Then my parents got divorced and my mom was a single parent (he didn’t pay child support or see his kids after the divorce). Are my brother and I competitive? Sure sometimes. But the way we grew up forced us to become partners. Annoyed with Mom? Let’s rant about it together. Is he struggling in math? I’ll tutor him in exchange for a Reese cup. Am I struggling at daycare because I have massive social anxiety? He’ll include me in whatever he’s doing so I’m not sitting alone in a corner. My point: siblings who experience trauma together don’t have the typical sibling relationships that are widely televised in North America. There’s a lot less fighting and competition and a lot more teaming up and commiserating. 

14:39 - “It. It’s terrible.” - Notice how Ainsley didn’t actually say how it made her feel? She gave the standard “TV response” to a murder “a terrible/horrific/tragedy has occurred”. She doesn’t feel bad that these women are dead. She’s too consumed with getting a story to even stop and let herself feel anything. I’ve been saying it since last season - the way Ainsley shows no regard for other people and their feelings when she’s obsessed with her job is concerning. 

14:50 - “Remind me of the people who cut us off after Dad’s arrest.” ...Are you kidding me?!? The whole fandom has been speculating about this since early season one and they’re not going to elaborate on that line?!? I’m going to need some more information about this and it better be in the upcoming episode where Jessica’s younger sister appears. 

15:40 - She thinks of her students as family? Sooo what does she think of Ainsley? Wasn’t Ainsley bullied at this school? Did she do anything about it? 

16:00 - this is like a ‘weekend/evening school’ right? Kids aren’t living in this house like a boarding school/summer camp?

16:01 - “Mr. Whitly” UGH. This bitch preaches etiquette and she doesn’t even have the common courtesy to call Malcolm by the name with which he introduced himself? Nah. I don’t like her. 

16:13 - Ugh. Ainsley, seriously? Why don’t you help your brother solve the case. AND PREVENT MORE MURDERS. Why are you indirectly but purposely obstructing justice?

16:37 - “Of course.” Huh. Do you think Martin might try and manipulate Ainsley into killing Malcolm? Ainsley definitely capable of it. She doesn’t actually seem to care about Malcolm nearly as much as he cares about her. 

17:17 - WTF?!? That’s creepy af. How did no one in this show think this assistant was a suspect? She has a super creepy doll that she ‘forgot’ on the floor the middle of a hallway. AND THE DOLL WAS STANDING UP. Not sitting, not dropped carelessly, STANDING UP.

17:30 - Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s definitely going to be having nightmares about that doll. 

18:25 - OMG. This was amazing. JT just totally bulldozed his way into catching that dude. Very badass. Also kind of funny (maybe that’s just my messed up sense of humour again?).

18:44 - Ugh. This dude has a thing for dolls. I don’t want to kink shame but - no. no. There’s something really gross about that.  

18:48 - I’ve seen some people say that this doll looks like Ainsley and how that’s supposed to be some sort of foreshadowing/symbolism. I kind of see it? I mean the hair colour is similar and if you pause the screen at 18:48 the angle kind of looks like Ainsley? It would be an interesting metaphor though - Ainsley played with dolls as a little girl. John Watkins gave her angel statues. She is Watkins’ and Martin’s doll’ in the sense that she was the object that murders manipulated/groomed. 

18:53 - Then again, pause the screen here and there’s something about the facial structure that looks like Dani to me. 

19:00 - Jessica lets Ainsley work in the murder office?!? No. No she doesn’t. This is garbage. Jessica would’ve forbade it. Jessica would’ve bordered up this room immediately after Watkins.

19:57 - Poor Jessica. She’s clearly terrified that she’s losing Ainsley and terrified of Ainsley. BUT Jess, sweetie, running to Europe won’t fix this. 

20:16 - “She wanted the dolls to look like her students.” AND PEOPLE SEND THEIR CHILDREN TO HER?!? WTF?!? NO. NO. NO. NOT OKAY. 

20:31 - HAHA look at Gil’s face when Trevor tells him he can make the ‘perfect woman’. Gil’s like WTF - can I arrest you for thinking you can fabricate a ‘perfect woman’?!!?

21:06 - Malcolm is having so much fun playing with Trevor’s doll head. Look at how excited he is. It’s kind of adorable but his manic energy is showing which is concerning. 

21:10 - Why is Trevor giving his doll fancy 1940s(ish) names? 

21:31 - Props to LDP. I honestly believed Gil was annoyed with Malcolm for barging in on the interrogation the first time I watched this. 

21:42 - “They got a word for everything.” hahaha OMG. This is so reminiscent of a teenager explaining some new tech to their tech-illiterate parents. 

22:00 - I can’t tell if Gil feels sorry for this creep or if he just thinks the dude is really gross. Probably a mixture. 

23:00 - Oh we’re bringing up the chloroform again. At least Malcolm knows not listen to Martin about this nonsense. 

23:25 - “It doesn’t feel fun.” - THIS. This is why I honestly don’t think Malcolm will ever become a serial killer. His guilt complex is just too big.

23:56 - Are. You. Kidding. Me? This is next level. Ainsley is so out of line here. AND SHE SHOWS NO REMORSE. SHE DOESN’T THINK SHE’S DONE ANYTHING WRONG. THIS GIRL HAS GONE DARK SIDE (she was already halfway there).

24:17 - I’m getting papa!Gil vibes when Gil is talking to Ainsley and I want more scenes of them interacting. Seriously, did Gil have a relationship with Ainsley when she was a kid? I MUST KNOW.

24:45 - Ainsley has no conscience. I honestly don’t think Ainsley has a conscience. 

25:00 - “Who is that!?” Malcolm is totally acting like he’s Ainsley’s father-figure right now. I’m here for it. 

25:22 - SORE LOSERS?!? I’m sorry. What? If you weren’t concerned about Ainsley you damn well should be now. That is seriously messed up. People are dead. This is not a game. Do you know who else thought murder was a game? Martin Whitly.

25:31 - Okay. Ainsley has a point. Malcolm lecturing anyone about being reckless is pretty hypocritical. But at least Malcolm cares about her. 

25:54 - Heart. Shattered. Look at how terrified Jessica is. Look at how gentle and reassuring Gil is. UGh. WHY DID SHE BREAK UP WITH HIM??! I mean, I know why I just think she’s a moron for doing it. 

26:00 - Poor Gil. He’s so confused and so concerned. The whole Whitly family is acting crazier then usual and he doesn’t know why. 

26:11 - “Both you and Malcolm are at an 11 and I’ve never seen Ainsley like that.” FIND YOURSELF A MAN WHO CARES LIKE GIL AND NEVER LET HIM GO. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Seriously. The love and concern he shows for this family warms my cold dead heart. 

26:16 - “Her father?!” Oh shit. Now Gil knows there’s something BIG happening. Jessica would never run to Martin unless she absolutely had to. 

26:19 - annnnd Gil’s also being a prideful man who’s feeling are hurt. “You went to him?” He’s right to be though - the woman he loves went to a serial killer for advice before going to the guy who practically co-parented with her. 

26:33 - “I’m here. Whatever you need. I’m here.” <3 <3 Gil is the definition of a good man. <3 I’m in love with it. 

26:48 - “You were right on time for me.” ....*snort* subtle Gil (and in front of JT!!)

27:08 - Edrisa is hysterical on caffeine. hahaha. This whole scene is perfect. 

27:20 - You know someone is acting manic when Malcolm Bright is concerned about their eccentric behaviour. 

27:34 - Annnnnd Tom Payne was a split second from breaking character here. I don’t blame him. hahaha

28:05 - EDRISA flipping and dropping that pencil. HAHAHAHAHAHA

29:10 - “Absolutely not.” hahaha this is funny but also really sweet. Malcolm knows that Edrisa hopped up on caffeine isn’t safe to have near an active killer. Who knows what’ll happen. I wish he’d care that much about his own well being. Looks like calling for backup last episode was a one time thing. 

30:37 - I’ll give the writers one thing - Miss Windsor makes a convincing murder suspect.

31:22 - GIL. STANDING. UP. FOR. JT. IS. EVERYTHING. Where is O’Malley’s back up? Oh yeah, they’re not brave enough to defend him.

32:00 - Huh. Bright texted for backup. This is growth. I’m proud of him. 

32:15 - YES. This JT arc was handled right. Sure JT could’ve complained. It would’ve been episodes upon episodes of bureaucratic nightmares and injustice. This show isn’t about racism. They showed enough to portray that the system is broken and they had JT act like a responsible adult. It’s not fair that JT had to go through this or that he’ll likely experience something similar to it again. But the fact that JT is acting like a bigger person is perfect. JT will protect his family. Always. That includes Malcolm. So JT avoids putting through a formal complaint because he knows that will take time away from doing his job, from protecting others, from hanging out with his wife and kid. JT’s taking the higher road, it might not be gratifying or fair but I respect the hell out of him for taking it. 

32:28 - Gil is so so proud of JT. Look at him. <3 <3 

33:40 - Look, Miss Windsor is a bit of a stuck up bitch but she has a good heart. Look at the way she immediately tells Malcolm where Ainsley is when she realizes what’s happening. 

34:14 - This confused me during the first watch - Ainsley obviously didn’t drink any tea - so why is she drugged? (obviously I know now). 

34:17 - Big brother Malcolm frantically looking for Ainsley is so so sweet. <3 

35:42 - The music, the dolls, and Miss Windsor’s speech here. There’s something about this part of the episode that is strangely reminiscent of 5x16 of Criminal Minds.

36:20 - ......does Miss Windsor have some sort of mental illness? She’s talking to herself and ranting erratically. Is this just emotional stress or something deeper?

37:00 - This is why Malcolm’s not a serial killer. Even now- looking at a killer - he’s trying to sympathize with her. He’s trying to understand why. He’s trying to calm her down, diffuse the threat, and get her mental help. 

39:00 - Oh yeah. Ainsley was definitely going to kill without remorse. Again. I’ve seen some theories that Ainsley only ever tries to kill to protect Malcolm. I disagree. I think Ainsley’s trying to protect herself. Ainsley is pissed off that this girl tried to drug her and kill her because she thinks Ainsley is wicked. Ainsley was pissed at Endicott for whatever he did to Ainsley before Malcolm got there. I think Ainsley felt threatened and scared so she reacted. I don’t think this has anything to do with protecting Malcolm.

39:41 - Malcolm isn’t a killer. Look. He smells gas but he takes the time to carry an unconscious murderer (who literally just tried to kill his sister) out of the building. 

40:00 - The drama. Holy hell. What a weird ending to this case.

40:48 - Who gave Ainsley a police jacket and let her keep it?

41:14 - She almost died and she’s still obsessing over ‘winning’. This is seriously unstable behaviour. Way more concerning than anything Malcolm’s done since 2x1. 

41:45 - “My father was a serial killer also.” Anyone else super irritated by that phrasing?!?  Just me?!? Something about the ‘also’ feels super wrong to me.

41:53 - Oh sweetie. I’d argue that you are more messed up than Malcolm. 

42:06 - Jessica went to see Martin twice in one episode. THIS IS BAD.

42:15 - “Maybe even more so than Malcolm if that’s possible.” Jessica knows her kids. I’m on her side here. 

42:20 - Martin is way too happy about Ainsley showing signs of serial killing. 

42:30 - Jessica? You married an act. That man never existed. He’s always been a serial killer. You just didn’t know it. He’s manipulative and you were a victim to it. 

42:50 - “A partner.” OH THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL. ESPECIALLY FOR THE GIL/JESSICA ARC.

Okay....so definitely the weakest episode of the season so far. AND the fact that we got no mention of Tally and/or the baby this episode is a crime. 

BUT I’M SO SO SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE. It’s going to be a televised fanfic and I can’t wait. 

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

I still think about everything. Every heartbreak, every harsh word. Everyone thought you were great. You shined so bright didn't you? You broke a girl who would have done anything and everything for you. You've ruined me for future relationships. Everywhere I look I see betrayal, deceit, abandonment. I'm hyper vigilant to everything. A sigh, a look, a lack of texting. Everything means I'm being tossed aside, like you did for over half a decade. You made sure all I had was you. I didn't mind. I loved you. I didn't mind shutting everyone out if it meant you were with me.

• First started dating you were talking and flirting with that girl on our bus route to school before my bus finally reached your stop where you guys were at. So much that she bought you gifts.

• You always compared my body to your ex's body. Telling me you prefer her body and that you just "Deal with mine".

•Still had blowjob videos of your ex in your iPod you kept locked.

•Texting your ex, making plans to go out. You never deleted msgs so I always found out.

•Found out years later that you actually brought her over to your parents house.

•I got pregnant. You got an apprenticeship at a tattoo shop. Started smoking again, drinking and hiding it from me. You still were texting your ex, telling me you didn't want this baby. You told me you prefer your ex because of her body, that she sucks your dick and that she plays video games.

•You broke up with me. In my frantic efforts to get you to stay with me, I had an abortion. You came back. For a little bit.

•We were watching Tangled and I fell asleep on the floor. I woke up up the couch. You weren't there. I go upstairs to our room, you're not there. So I decide to smoke a cigarette but I can't find the lighters. That's ehen I start looking around and I realized your stuff was gone. I searched the neighborhood for you barefoot, crying, asking strangers if theyve seen you. You abandoned me at your parents house. They didn't even understand why I was crying because they didn't speak english. I had to move out.

• A couple days later I'm coming to get my stuff and I see you. You're right there. I was so angry I ran up and punched you in the face. Crying. You showed no remorse. You crushed me. The whole time I was packing my stuff you were sitting on the bed and I was hitting you with stuff. I do apologize about that. It's whenever you showed me you didn't care to lose me at all that I just go psychotic and I'm violent.

•A couple weeks later I invited you to that party and we had a great time for an hour. Then you got drunk. You're such an angry drunk. You started yelling at me for no reason so I got you out of the party. I was trying to calm you down and you pushed me into a car. I fell and it hurt. Sleeping with me that night because you sweet talked your way into my pants. Then telling me were not getting back together.

•On my birthday. I was at work when I went to Google something on my phone porn popped up. All in search of body types exactly like your ex. It's now 3 1/2 years into this relationship you were STILL talking to her. Using my sisters phone to talk to her. That night we physically fought, you choked me and slammed me into the couch still holding my throat.

•We drank with your best friend and you turned into a mean drunk. Shoving me into the pavement. You always pushed me.

• You put a knife to my throat and once again pushed me into the pavement and threatened me when a video of me popped up on the internet. Calling me every name in the book. Even to my mom saying "your daughter is a whore".

• When my whole family was against me and my brother was physically beating me, you heard the whole thing and didn't come out of the room to help me. You didn't have to take my side in the arguement but you could have got him off from on top of me.

• It's at the 4th year now and my self esteem is so low from all those times you told me my body isn't good enough that when I found 72 downloaded porn videos that you forgot to hide or delete, I sliced up my body.

• I had to be hospitalized because I slit my wrists when I found out he was flirting with women and "scoutin booty" at work.

• We get our own apartment and this is when my onset of schizophrenia began. I distanced everyone. I stopped talking to my friends. I didn't go outside for months besides taking our dog to go pee downstairs. I was so depressed, lonely. So the dishes piled up, the slight mess turned to a heaping mess. I told you so many times I felt like I'm a battery on one percent all the time no matter how much I sleep. You may not have known what was wrong with me, but you should have noticed that something was. Instead of helping me you screamed at me.

• Almost everyday for a year you came home from work and saw that I only had enough energy to get the dishes done and that gave you the opening to let all your frustrations out on me. I was alone all day until 11pm and I finally got to see my favorite human, and all you did was take out your anger on me. I had no human contact except being emotionally abused by you.

• The bills piled up and because I couldn't hold down any of the jobs you got me your frustrations with me grew deeper. We started getting into physical fights. You would tell me I'm worthless, never going to be anything and no one will ever love me because I'm so messed up.

• My mental health began slipping even further and I was always having panic attacks, especially in social situations. The last time I asked for help from anyone with my panic attacks was when I smoked weed with my neighbor and I had an anxiety attack to which my heart rate reached 177bpm. I came inside and told you I feel like I'm about to die and you just yelled at me. Telling me you don't know what to do with me anymore. That I'm always sick and you can't take it anymore.

I stopped bothering you about my mental health. My emotions I kept inside instead of letting them out. I trained myself to have silent anxiety attacks. I stopped asking for help. I sank further into my illness. Into the void you left me in.

[hometothecanyonmoon]

@ot3flopped

I AM COMING AT YOU

First of all, this is nothing personal, I just hate you. Read this whole thing with a cool brain for once.

Because you keep popping in my feed when I don't even follow you and I've reported you at least 5 times.

You are without a doubt going to find loopholes or grammatical/spelling mistakes in this rant and you're going to attack me for it, but that's only because you're too egoistic to accept that you're an idiot. You may even ignore the main point i'm trying to make and focus on one sentence or whatever. You'll get stuck on one out of place or irrelevant sentence. I may have started a war and you may report me as many times as you like for whatever, but I don't care. I'm proud that I stood up for what I believe in. People do see your posts and hate them, but at least I did something about it.

I honestly think you need help. You should maybe show your blog to a professional and then let's see if they call it "a lovely place" and "the best thing I've seen during quarantine". I don't know how your filthy followers think your blog is a lovely place. And also no wonder you don't have many followers because people actually love ot3. It is NOT ok to bully anyone, even celebs.

The people you insult are someone's idols. Someone has remained alive because of them. They've helped someone through their dark days. You don't get any right to insult the person or their fans because simply, it's got NOTHING to do with you.

I don't like Justin Bieber, Lizzo and Billie Eilish, but I don't insult them. They all have massive fandoms, and they mean so much to each and every fan. Just because I don't like them, doesn't give me the right to humiliate and make fun of them. Just because I don't agree with it doesn't give me the right to call their fans crazy. It may mean the world to the fans. And you know, when you speak about ot3 the way you do, it hurts. It actually really hurts. Ngl, I cried last night after stalking you [which was probably a mistake but yeah, it happened. It made me sick.]

Harry Styles is not the most perfect person on this planet. He has flaws too, just like everyone else. I could say so many bad, false things about H or Zayn, but I won't, because I love them and accept them for who they are. And also I won't stoop down to your level.

You don't believe in Larry. Understandable. But that does NOT mean that you can insult fans or shippers. If you need to know, I'm the same anon who asked you what you're going to do when Larry come out, and you called me deluded. No worries. I'm used to it. I'm a Larry shipper.

I also asked you that your blog can simply be a Harry Styles fan blog, but you don't need to drag ot3 down. You replied saying that it is indeed a Harry fan blog. NO. It's not. It's a place where you simply hate on ot3 and try to prove your point by using rumours and irrelevant words.

If you are indeed a Harrie, I'm assuming you believe in treating people with kindness. Even though you may not like the song, he's your 'idol' (who I'm not going to insult because I'm not a jerk) and you are most probably going to hang on to his every word.

You say that Harry hated his bandmates and similar shit. [Once again, you are going to attack me saying "I NEVER SAID THAT STOP TWISTING MY WORDS"] Yeah whatever. According to you, Harry was the only good person in One Direction and he believed they were foolish idiots and so he distanced himself from them but he's still humble. Bullshit. BULLSHIT.

Harry loved and to this day loves each and every single one of them. I'm not going to believe your baseless facts.

If you do believe in tpwk (which, even if you don't, you should, you dumbfuck) then why the hell is Liam the exception to your so-called kindness? He said he was suicidal, he said his mental health is deteriorating, and if he's finally doing something that makes him happy {the YT weekly things that made you call him a clown}, then why do you have to ruin it? We are loving it!

LP1 was definitely not his best work, he could have done better, but hey, it makes him happy. He's experimenting with new music, he's getting a chance to make music his way, however he wants, so why poke your nose in between? Don't listen to the album if you don't want to, easy as that.

And he's doing it so casually, he's enjoying himself, we're enjoying watching him, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Not everyone has to be a perfect YouTuber. It's ok if Zayn's tattoo artist made a mistake in the poem. Just because you think you're perfect (jokes on you mate, you're not) does not mean people are not allowed to make mistakes.

Everybody makes mistakes. And everybody is allowed to make them. It's part of being human. People make mistakes. They're forgiven. Big deal?

So what if Niall is half naked on Instagram and he shows his chest hair? If you don't want to watch it, don't. Easy shit. No one is forcing you to look at him. So what if he slid into some Arabella's DMs? His life bruh smh

It's so easy to bully a celebrity. You think it's ok because they'll never see them. Maybe they'll never see those posts, but that does not mean it's ok to bully them. They already have such low self esteem because of staying in the limelight 24/7, and just when they get it back, there's people like you waiting.

I made 4 drafts trying to speak to you properly, but I've decided to fight fire with fire. Maybe it wasn't the best decision, but I'm willing to take the risk. Maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time doing this, writing to you when you'll stop reading after the first paragraph, but I will not let you spread hate. I'll report you and I will END you if it's the last thing I do.

Most of the times, I don't call out hateful people on the internet, because I assume they're having a bad day and yk sometimes it happens.. I'm not perfect either. But you do this everyday. Every single post. You might have low self esteem and you channel that hate on your blog. You are a bully.

I honestly don't want to be mean and I didn't want to generalise (also no offence to solo Harries who are not jerks) but you are the definition of a solo Harrie. Hear me out, I'm not saying every single one of you is bad, some of them are actually really good. But there's lots like you who believe Harry Styles is the best gift this universe gave us and no one else on the planet compares to him because he's perfect. I love him endlessly but his fans are obnoxious. It's people like you who feel the need to interfere everywhere. Like for example, that Billie-Zayn-Louis drama. What the hell did Harries have to do with anything?? You think you guys own the Internet. Sorry to burst your bubble, you don't. It's people like you who hate on ot4/ot3 and you shut down his social media presence. It's now used only for promotions. Poor kid's been in the spotlight for 10 years, give him a damn break.

Do you ever think Harry sees the tweets about his bandmates and feels his heart break? Harry and Zayn were not the only members of One Direction. Each one of ot5 made One Direction what it was. It would've been hella different if even one of them wasn't there. One Direction never was and never will be Harry&Co.

You guys are also in love with Modest! management, and I will not even go there because this rant will be twice as long. All I can say is, you're blind. You're fucking blind.

So what if Louis acted like a kid and he comes across as immature? He can be whatever the fuck he wants to be, he doesn't need your approval. He's been through so much shit and he'd give his life for the 1D boys. I can't imagine how someone can be this rude and hateful. And I saw an anon on your blog about the Torn performance, where Louis was lip-syncing. Like, bruh, duh! He missed rehearsals and Harry carried it, big deal! Everyone knows he lip-synced, even Simon, and everyone knows the reason why. They didn't even try to hide it.

I don't expect you to immediately fall in love with ot3 and start stanning them [here's the part where you say "as if I'd ever like those losers" in that case FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITE] but I tried. If you feel even a bit of remorse, a tiny drop of regret [which I know you will though you'll never admit it] and if you have even a bit of feelings and kindness and compassion left in you, I succeeded.

Please -I'm not begging you, simply asking- spread love. As I said, make your blog a Harry fan blog, which you can do even if you don't hate on ot3. To prove your devotion to Harry, you don't need to hate on his bandmates.

Thank you for reading this.

I hope the best for you. Truly.

[minsugapie]

Now You See Me: part 25 (2266 words) - I’m definitely not in a relationship?

• • • • • •

You’re a content creator that is wanting to change up your brand a little bit.

Yoongi is a faceless musician. Well, he’s two people at once. He’s Agust D online and while performing, but he’s Min Yoongi in real life.

Who will he be to you?

• • • • • •

PART 24 // PART 25 // PART 26

masterlist

• • • • • •

tags : @dixonsbugaboo @mayumioutloud @minhyukstealer @pocketfullofsuga @pwinny00 @rjsmochii @yoonglemickdoongle @live-2-fangirl @cherryicy123 @vernooope @okaysoplshelpme @thebleuprince @minyoongone

• • • • • •

OH MY GOD FORGIVE ME FOR THIS LATE AND UNEDITED UPDATE PLEASE PLEASE ENJOY IT. IM SOOOOO AORRY. It’s not really for the development of Yoongi and Y/N’s relationship but more so about seeing the relationship between Y/N and her parents. Regular updates at 20:00 resume tomorrow.

• • • • • •

There were very few things that you disliked in this world. Having a father that was always an hour early to everything was for sure one of them. Mind you, having a father that disapproved of all your life choices was also another one.

So when you, Tae and Hana, Tae’s girlfriend, were getting ready at the apartment, the three of you were not expecting there to be a knock on the door. You hadn’t seen Hana in forever because she was always drowning in homework, and she worked literally all the time. Plus, the girl was a saint. She didn’t have a single social media account, and she spent her free time volunteering in the neonatal ward at the hospital. Your parents were so proud of Tae for managing to snag such a catch…and then there was you.

Your parents had always been harder on you than on Taehyung, but you were not going to hold it against him, especially because he has always been the best thing in your life. So you did everything to please them, making all your decisions in life based on what you thought would make them happy. There was absolutely no way that you were going to tell them exactly your job anytime soon, but since they knew that you were not going to school anymore, you had to figure out something to say.

After all the years of being pushed into things and following orders, lying to your parents was something that came natural. You’d omit youtube and social media all together. Actually, you’d avoid many things altogether.

You opened the door to your dad’s displeased face. Your mom was behind him, looking slightly more comfortable. “Y/N,” he greeted gruffly, taking a step into the apartment. He stuck his nose I the air and looked around, seeing if the place was deemed clean enough for his impossible standards.

“Hi, Dad,” you meekly replied, still wanting to please him…even after all he’d done to your mental health over the years.

When he finally spotted Hana, however, you became dejected. A large smile overtook his features, and he opened his arms to her like she was his actual daughter. “Hana, my dear, how are you?”

Awkwardly giving your dad a hug, Hana replied, “Mostly tired from school and work but I’m holding up pretty good. How about you, Boss?”

“Oh, the same old same old!” He acted as if they were longtime friends, but Hana was still relatively new to the family, especially in comparison to your years. She and Tae hadn’t even been dating a year, and it seemed like he already liked her more than you.

Your mom, on the other hand, was more reserved when it came to Hana. Sure, she approved of her, and she was glad that Tae was happy. But she was more glad to see you than your dad.

“Come here, hun,” your mom whispered, pulling you into a hug. Ever since you were little, your mom confided in you and told you that a lot of what your dad believed was only him. You knew that she was disappointed in you, but she would have never let that disappointment get in the way of loving you no matter what. “Are you well?”

It was hard not to break down into tears in your mother’s arms, but you knew you couldn’t. You couldn’t tell her about what you were doing. Your dad could not know; therefore, she could not know. “I’m fine.”

Thank goodness Tae walked in because you couldn’t take this any longer. Tae was always such a good buffer between you and your father.

“Hi,” Tae said, pulling his girlfriend away from your dad and towards him. Both your parents’ faces lit up at the sight of him.

“Taehyung, my baby, come here!” Your mom let go of you and grabbed him.

While your parents were gushing over how grown up he was looking and asking him how everything was with school, you simply slunk back into a corner and prayed that the night would turn out all right. You didn’t have high hopes.

“Your parents love you,” Hana whispered, leaning her head on your shoulder. “They just need you to let them figure out who you really are. You need to let them actually get to know you…”

“Who made you so smart?”

“I just know you, and I love you. They should know the real you. How can you expect them to know you and love you for you if you don’t let them?”

Just as you were about to tell her that she wouldn’t understand and that it wasn’t that simple —she didn’t really know your dad, there was an interruption from your mother. “Okay! Everyone out! Let’s get to our reservation.”

You were painfully aware that it was still very much before your reservation started, but your mom hated confrontation, and you were sure that the only thing that would happen that night was confrontation.

…

You were right about being super early for the reservation. The restaurant was definitely not ready, so you had to all awkwardly wait outside while the people that were currently eating at your table could finish. The conversation was short, and you preferred to simply sit by yourself on your phone, texting Jin and Namjoon about what a monstrosity this night was going to be.

You were thankful that no one was paying attention to you, and they were all distracted by the fact that Hana had gotten honours all last year and was on track for getting them again this year.

Hana was loved, even by you, but you were sure that you could never live up to her standard.

What happened when you finally say down at the table was to be expected. You father asked you about Hoseok. “So, y/n, how is Hoseok doing?”

“How should I know? He’s Tae’s friend,” you grumbled, taking a sip of your water while slouching further into your seat.

“Well, he’s a very nice boy. He’s going to go far in life,” he rebuked, sitting up straighter, heightening his air of authority.

“He’s just in film. It’s not like he’s becoming a doctor…”

The look on your father’s face morphed into utter disappointment and disapproval. “He’s in school. It’s more than we can say for you. He’s a nice boy, and I expect you to at least give him a chance.”

“Dad, please,” Tae’s voice interrupted. “Now is not the time for this.”

Just as Tae started telling your dad about how he knew that you weren’t interested in Hoseok, you received a text from someone that you knew —Yoongi. He had politely informed you that Jimin and Jungkook were patiently awaiting you to reply to their snapchats. The two of them just did not stop. You were still not entirely talking to Yoongi because it had always been better for you to simply ignore people and let the feelings go away instead of trying to be the bigger person and talking to them. You just ended up liking them more after that.

“Y/N? Can’t you go two minutes without looking at your phone? I thought we raised you differently?” Your mom snapped you out of looking at your screen.

“Were you saying something?” You asked, putting your phone back in your purse because you did not want to deal with it right now.

“I was wondering if you would tell me what you have been doing since you haven’t been going to school?”

You swallowed at her question. What were you going to tell them? You hadn’t really been able to think of anything and you were planning on asking Hana and Tae before your parents got there, but they came early! They were just always ruining your plans.

“Umm,” you started, racking your brain for any possible lie that sounded believable, “I found a well-paying job.”

Your father’s eyes flew to you. The look he was sporting was practically scary, and you felt Tae hold your hand under the table. “What job?”

As you were about to answer your dad’s question, you were able to pick up on the fact that your mom looked at Hana like she would have looked at another family member. There was pride and admiration displayed in her eyes, a look that your dad had on early that night.

“OH! My job? I work for a daycare,” you blurted without thinking. Hanging with Namjin, taking care of their niece and nephew, and making videos with them counted as working at a daycare…right?

“A daycare? That’s what you call a stable job?”

“It pays all the bills, and I love it,” you were obviously talking about your real job. “Wouldn’t you rather I be doing something I loved like this instead of hating my life and becoming a doctor?”

“I’m sure Hoseok would really love having a doctor as a wife,” your dad hinted without any remorse.

“Oh, my god, DAD! Please!”

“Yeah, she’s with someone else,” Tae revealed (probably by accident while trying to change the subject from Hobi), making everyone including you and Hana look at him in question.

“I’m definitely not in a relationship?” You squinted, wondering what he was talking about and where he was going with this information. Taehyung was going to play for this later even though he meant no harm.

“She met someone…at work, and they’re talking,” he continued, avoiding eye-contact with you. He was beginning to feel guilty. There was no way to take the attention off you tonight. You were surprised that people at other tables didn’t notice the tension at the table.

The waiter thankfully came during lulls in conversation, so he didn’t catch much and probably thought we were just another loving family.

“Who is this boy?” Your dad asked forcefully. “Why haven’t we heard about him? Is he in school?”

Rolling your eyes at the situation. You didn’t even want to answer. It would practically be a waste of breath. “Again… I’m not in a relationship. He and I are just friends. I’m S-I-N-G-L-E.”

“That didn’t answer any of my questions,” his voice started to get louder.

“Shh, let’s talk about this later. We don’t need to cause a scene in the restaurant right now. I want to have a peaceful rest of the night with my family,” your mother scolded him, grabbing his hand and giving him his water to wash away his heat.

You silently thanked your mom for all that she still does for you.

***

When your parents dropped you off at home at last, your dad kept you int the hallway to talk afterwards, urging your mom, Tae, and Hana inside and away from you two.

“Y/N, I want you to tell me why you aren’t in school anymore,” you knew he was trying to sound calm, but you knew that in mere seconds it was going to be louder than for what you were prepared, for what the neighbours prepared.

“Dad, would you just trust me that I can figure out my own life?”

“But why? Have I ever steered you wrong?”

“No! But there’s only so much control that you can have over me. I need to be making my own mistakes and making my own path. You have to let go at some point!” You didn’t expect yourself to get into it so quickly.

“Why reinvent the wheel? I’ve made all the mistakes, so why do you have to? I just want the best for you, Y/N.”

“I understand that, but let’s be real. There’s more to life that expectations. I need to be happy and not try to please everyone else around me. I want to live my own life and make my own choices and date who I want to date and be who I want to be.”

“Why won’t you date Hoseok? He’s such a nice boy!” It was like he completely disregarded everything that you had just told him. He had selective hearing, only catching exactly what he wanted to hear and nothing more.

It was so frustrating. You had to stop yourself from pulling out your hair. You could only have this exact conversation with him so many times before it started to get old. It was nice being away from someone that made you feel so bad about yourself so often. “Did you just completely ignore what I just said? Why did you even bother coming here if you weren’t going to take some time and actually have a civil conversation with me? Like honestly, just stay home next time.”

“Don’t you date talk to me like that!”

“Oh, and what are you going to do about it now?”

His face was stunned. He had no control over you anymore and you could tell that it was eating him alive. When he didn’t answer, you continued, “And I’m never going to date Hoseok. I don’t like him and he doesn’t like me. End of story. Now, I’m going to bed. I love you, but get the hell out of my building before someone calls the cops on all the noise we’re surely making.”

You didn’t look back when you walked into your place, not sparing a glance at any of the people that were definitely eavesdropping with their ears against the doors. You were on a mission. You headed to your room and you were going to bed. You didn’t need this negativity in your life.

[just-bpd-thoughts]

I have a lot of followers on this account and I need to vent my emotions somewhere so like hey y'all

I haven't been super active in a long time bc of life, which is how it goes sometimes yk. But for the past several years, life for me has been dealing with abusers and facing trauma on top of trauma. My biggest abuser has been my mother, and mother's day was yesterday, which is why I'm thinking and feeling so much about this.

She victimized me for years. My entire high school career was ruined because I was too busy being her emotional dumping ground and protector, as well as her punching bag. There were days when I had to miss school to make sure she didn't hurt herself or to make sure my brother didn't kill her. And she often tossed my needs to the side, as I would ask for things I needed and wouldn't receive them for months on end, if at all. She put off making important appointments and phone calls for me. And then she vilified me for not being able to take care of myself properly due to my mental illnesses.

She was constantly belittling me for the negative effects my mental illnesses had on my life, even though she had a lot of the same illnesses and saw a therapist. We did therapy together and she never wanted to work through anything. She only admitted to having done something wrong when we were in therapy. She didn't talk about her emotions or about boundaries, she just did the bare minimum to get us through the appointment.

I didn't even know how bad it really was until I reconnected with a childhood friend and got to know their best friend (who would become my now girlfriend of almost 8 months) after all of my other friends had virtually disappeared from my life because I was so draining to be around anymore because I was a wreck at all times. Until then I didn't know how wrong my mom was and how unnatural and toxic our relationship had become. What my friend and girlfriend got me to see was that my mom and I were entirely codependent, and I was trapped in a cycle of abuse, and I needed to get out. Especially because mere weeks after my girlfriend and I got together, my parents started planning to move six hours away from home. I didn't finally realize that I didn't have to go with them until a week before the move, and up to that point, every day I woke up thinking that soon i was going to be torn from everything and everyone in my life that mattered, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I knew that if I had to go through with that, I wasn't going to survive. Either I was going to wind up dying or completely self destructing.

Leaving my mom's home was a fucking FEAT. But my loved ones gave me the means and the courage to do it. She made me help her move, and then brought me back to where I'd be living. I stayed at her new house for a little over two weeks, and she let me bring one of my close friends (in fact, OFFERED to let me bring said friend, it was her idea, and then she treated me like a nuisance later bc my friend came along w us). She treated me like garbage every day. She was always putting me down and being passive aggressive and getting an attitude with me, for no reason. She started pointless and petty arguments in front of my friend and verbally abused me the whole way through with zero fucking remorse. The day before she took me back, she got into two fights with me, the first one in a goddamn IHOP bc she said I "might as well be an atheist" simply because I'm not a Christian and I told her that it hurt my feelings to hear her say that because she knew I had a religion, and she lost her MIND, because how DARE I tell her she did something wrong? And the second was me crying to her and begging her to stop bullying me all the time and to just be my mom, which she didn't listen to at all and instead screamed at me for an hour or so about how rotten I was for wanting to leave

This was at the end of November and the beginning of December. She left me in the town I live on December 4th. Since then, she has started COUNTLESS disputes with me over social media for no reason. She has threatened me and blackmailed me, saying she'd come get me, which she can do because she convinced me to let her get legal guardianship over my person when I turned 18, telling me it was "in my best interest" and "for my health and well being". She has stolen money from me and conned me out of money when she has more than she needs and I'm living off of social security. She has publicly abused me on my Facebook page for my friends and other loved ones to see, talking to those who came to my defense like they were less than human to her, throwing slurs at my queer friends. Talking to me like I was garbage while people watched and then praising herself for being so good to me. This has further hindered my quality of life as well as my education.

She bounces between that sort of behavior and telling me about her art projects and how much she misses me. The past few days she's been nice, when last weekend, she was a terror. This past Friday my therapist told me I don't have to make any decisions yet about whether I should - or even want to - have my mom in my life. But today she finally sent me a friend request on Facebook again, after not having me on social media for awhile because of the aforementioned arguing. So before I accepted it I told her that my boundary is that she can't start fights with me over the shit I post because I will post what I want on my Facebook and none of it is ever meant to have a go at her. She simply said "understood love you" and that was that.

Then I was scrolling through her Facebook a little bit ago, and she had shared something. It was a shoddy list of the defining characteristics of a narcissist. And she captioned it with something that alluded to me being a narcissist and not even realizing it, without using my name (but of course she misgendered me on purpose). And that just fucking BITES. More than I can even say.

She's mean to me so often. She's so abysmally nasty to me. She treats me like dirt and I'm still so nice to her all the time and she still acts like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm not her fucking KID. Like she didn't and doesn't hold a position of power over me. Like it's even possible for her to be victimized by me. And then she tells me that I play the victim so much that I can't see the error of my ways ?!?!!?!??

When she was still arguing with my Facebook friends some months ago, she posted something in a comment thread while responding to my girlfriend's dad (who was standing up for me). She told him that I was going to tell him to lay off of her because, ever since my dad passed, I would "do anything" to keep her in my life. So she admitted that she knows she holds power over me emotionally and that she can and will use that to her advantage any and every time she feels she needs to. Publicly.

And now she's still acting like I'm a narcissist and a manipulator ???

Tl;dr moms ain't shit

[poetzproblem]

Have You Ever Really? Part IV

Author’s Note: Part IV, not by request. Under the cut, or read at FF.Net or AO3.

Rachel has a list.

A very thorough, carefully thought-out list.

It's divided into appropriate love songs with which to serenade Quinn, endearing gifts with which to woo her, and potential date-like activities with which to wow her should this endeavor progress to that stage of courtship.

Because that is exactly what Rachel is doing—courting Quinn Fabray.

And she might still be having just the tiniest bit of trouble wrapping her mind around the fact.

She'd honestly expected to be slapped down—quite literally.

In fairness, Quinn had immediately apologized for that unfortunate burst of temper at prom, and the guilt and remorse shining in her eyes had screamed of sincere regret. Also in fairness, Rachel hadn't been lying about appreciating the drama of it. In fact, it's quite possible that her imagination had immediately conjured up an equally dramatic kiss to follow the slap—something right out of the movies—regardless of the rather unhealthy nature of that particular fantasy. It's also possible that having that fantasy about Quinn Fabray had been one of the things to make her realize that she does, in fact, like Quinn like that.

The list of potential serenades had been drawn up as a sort of therapy for Rachel while she'd been deciding just what to do with the new knowledge that she was attracted to Quinn—and, really, to girls in general. The rest of the list—well, that had been compiled as soon as Quinn had presented her with the opportunity to pursue her attraction.

Granted, her pursuit hasn't been entirely without a few minor setbacks.

First, Finn had decided to ruin their perfectly professional (and potentially competition-winning) duet with an unwanted kiss after she'd repeatedly rebuffed his attempts to win her back with a (perhaps too) gentle reminder that she has feelings for someone else. (Really. His denial about that someone being Quinn has been very frustrating.)

Then, Rachel might have slightly overestimated Quinn's unexpected openness to her attention by choosing to sing She's Always A Woman to her in front of the club. Rachel still maintains that it's a perfectly acceptable love song. She was only attempting to acknowledge that, despite recognizing all of Quinn's flaws, Rachel is still completely enamoured with her.

Explaining that to Quinn had helped to make up for the minor snafu, along with the homemade I'm Sorry cookies and Rachel's next, much more carefully chosen serenade. Perhaps the glee club hadn't fully appreciated her efforts, but it had gotten the job done.

In fact, it had gone well enough for Rachel to jump down three spots on her gift list, breaking into Quinn's locker on their final day of school to leave a stuffed teddy bear with a t-shirt stating I Love You Bear-y Much. (Rachel hadn't been able to resist.) That seemed to go over fairly well too—at least, it did if Quinn's blush and adorable little grin were anything to go by.

(Rachel totally hadn't been lying in wait down the hallway in order to watch her reaction.)

Rachel most certainly had watched Quinn's reaction while singing I'll Be to her in glee.

It had been very favorable—even if Quinn had been trying very, very hard not to let anyone else realize it.

That's what bolsters Rachel's courage to actually ask Quinn out—or at least make some tangible plan to continue courting her through the summer.

(Rachel really, really wants to keep courting Quinn over the summer. This unexpected openness of Quinn's has opened up an entire world of possibilities right before Rachel's eyes. The girl is seriously sexy and flirty and just—ugh! No wonder Finn had kept going back to her again and again and again.)

Maybe Rachel will even get to discover firsthand what it's like to kiss Quinn Fabray.

(Please, Barbra, let her get to discover that.)

But she's getting seriously ahead of herself.

First things first. She has to ask Quinn out.

Just—

"Go out with me?"

Rachel nearly grimaces the moment she says it. She really had intended for that to come out in a far more romantic way—and a more romantic setting, though she's starting to suspect that bathrooms might just be their thing. Maybe she should have put it in song.

An amused smirk pulls up the corner of Quinn's lips, and her eyes glint with specks of green. "Do you think four serenades, a gardenia, and a teddy bear are enough to earn you a date?"

"Technically, there were five serenades," Rachel points out. "My coming out song was obviously for you," she needlessly reminds Quinn.

Quinn arches a singular eyebrow. (It's entirely too sexy for Rachel's mental health.) "There were four," she insists sternly. "We're so not counting Tuesday."

Rachel makes the calculated decision to not argue the point. Again. "Have I at least wooed you enough to earn the opportunity to continue...outside of normal school hours?" she asks, gesturing around to the empty bathroom. "Seeing that we're about to bid adieu to this place for the summer."

Quinn giggles, shaking her head. "What does it say about me that I suddenly find your weird loquaciousness cute?"

Rachel can feel a flush of pleasure crawl up her neck. "I think it says that you take advanced English with a four point five grade-point average and read a new five hundred page novel every week. Hence your easy use of the word loquaciousness."

"I don't think that's it," Quinn muses with a tender smile that makes Rachel nearly lose her breath. "Thank you for the teddy bear, by the way," she husks, stepping closer. "He's also very cute. And," she pauses, catching her lip between her teeth as she gazes at Rachel through her lashes, "kind of forward with his slogan tee."

Rachel swallows, nodding. "I...I wanted to make my case for...for our continued interactions."

Quinn chuckles. "You mean, the date you want me to agree to?"

"It doesn't have to be a date," Rachel hedges, grasping for whatever contact Quinn will allow her. "We can just...hang out. Get to know each other better."

That eyebrow inches up again. "That's generally what dating is, Rachel."

Nervously licking her lips, Rachel nods again. "It is. But I realize that actually dating me might...still be outside of your comfort zone, so I'm willing to engage in...friendly outings if you prefer."

Quinn gazes at her thoughtfully for a long moment before sighing. "Maybe I am still a little uncertain about doing all of this in public," she admits. "I mean, I can't tell my mother about this." She gestures between them. "Not yet...and maybe not ever. But Rachel, if we're going to...hang out," she practically purrs the words, "it will be a date."

"It will?" Rachel asks dumbly, heart racing from Quinn's words and her proximity.

Quinn smiles again—that sultry, seductive one that just lures a person in. "It will. And you'll be picking me up at seven. Tomorrow night," she decides. "I expect you'll plan something appropriately private so we can," her lips curve even more, "get to know each other better."

Rachel sucks in a breath. "Did...did you just ask me out?"

Quinn laughs, shaking her head. "No, Rachel. You asked me out. I just said yes." She lifts a hand to gently brush the back of her fingers across Rachel's jaw. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Rachel breathes out, nodding stupidly. She can feel the grin blooming on her face. "Yeah, you will."

Holy Broadway! She's got a date with Quinn Fabray!

She barely even registers cleaning out her locker for the year. She's too preoccupied with thoughts of her pending date. And the moment she gets home, she races to her bedroom where she obsessively pours over her list of potential date-like activities, searching for the perfect one that is private but still romantic but not too forward because she'd already mucked up asking Quinn out in any kind of romantic way and she's not about to do that again!

What she settles on is—

"Stargazing?" Quinn repeats skeptically.

Rachel grips the steering wheel a little more tightly. "It's stupid, isn't it?" she laments, frowning. "We can go to a movie instead. Or dinner. At a restaurant," she rushes out, ignoring the carefully packed picnic basket in the back seat. "Not Breadstix obviously. Maybe the Thai place on Pine Street." That seems appropriately off the beaten path.

Quinn reaches over to curl a hand around her wrist, bringing her rambling to a stop. "It's fine, Rachel," she says with a reassuring smile. "Stargazing sounds nice. We'll have a chance to talk."

Rachel exhales in relief, smiling in gratitude. "That was my thought." Also—being alone with Quinn under the stars.

So she drives them just outside of town to the OSU campus, feeling a bit apprehensive when she notices that Quinn is once again looking a little unimpressed. "Should we be here?" she asks warily as she glances around at the empty parking lot, just off Campus Drive next to a little copse of trees.

"The spring semester is over, and none of the summer classes meet on Fridays," Rachel assures her. "It's pretty dead this time of year." The students are all off campus, enjoying their weekends, and the handful of professors who teach summer courses are likely gone by now as well. There are probably only a few maintenance workers and custodians around tonight.

"One of your dads teaches here, right?"

Rachel glances at her in surprise. She didn't expect Quinn to know that—or to remember it. "Hiram," she clarifies. "He teaches computer science."

Quinn nods. "A techie. I would have guessed music or theater."

Rachel laughs, shaking her head. "He does love both of those things as much as I do, but he chose to keep them as beloved hobbies, free from the pressures of monetary compensation. I suppose there's some wisdom in that."

"But not for you," Quinn easily surmises, a fond smile dancing on her lips.

Rachel shrugs. "I can't imagine doing anything other than performing. Obviously, I'm hoping the monetary compensation will follow, but it isn't about that for me."

Quinn's smile turns teasing. "It's about the applause."

"Well, of course," Rachel concedes with a grin. "But also pursuing my passion with everything in me."

Quinn's breath hitches, and her eyes seem to darken ever so slightly "Yeah, you do seem to do that."

Oh.

She's kind of doing it right now, and she'd really like to keep doing it—which means that she really shouldn't lean in to taste Quinn's lips before they've even had a chance to really start their date, no matter how tempting Quinn looks right now.

Rachel clears her throat. "I packed a picnic." She gestures to the back seat. "It's just some veggie wraps and pasta salad." She doesn't mention that they're both vegan. "And raspberry bars for dessert." Also vegan.

"I love raspberry," Quinn murmurs with a pleased smile.

Rachel hums a vague acknowledgement. She may have remembered Finn mentioning it once in passing. It seems that she really has been quite interested in Quinn for a lot longer than she'd realized.

"There's a spot just down there," she points to the small clearing between the trees, "closer to the baseball field, where we can spread out a blanket and watch the sunset until the stars come out."

"Somewhere private?" Quinn asks, arching that eyebrow of hers.

Rachel nods. "I know it's not the most romantic place for our first date, but it's far enough away from town to cut down on the light pollution and still be publicly accessible, semi private, and...well...relatively safe."

Quinn tilts her head as she studies Rachel with a speculative look in her eyes. "You've really thought all of this out." It's not a question.

"Are you surprised?"

Quinn shakes her head, laughing lightly, and it's the most beautiful sound. "I'm really not."

She's not even all that surprised when Rachel shows her the cooler she brought along containing water (both regular and sparkling in six different flavors), three kinds of juices, and one milk. "I wasn't sure what you might like."

Quinn only laughs again, choosing a bottle of lemon sparkling water.

They spread out their blanket on the wide expanse of grass behind left field, close to the treeline but away from the obstruction of any overhead branches. The trees act as as a barrier between the parking lot and the field, obscuring them from the view of anyone driving through the main campus.

It's easy to focus on the food when they first settle down. The conversation is less easy—at least at first.

"You know, I've never actually been out here," Quinn eventually says. "I guess I should let you give me the tour, since this is probably where I'll be after graduation."

Rachel drops the last bite of her raspberry bar onto her plate with a frown. "Don't be ridiculous," she chastises. "You're second in our class." It's been a continuous annoyance for Rachel that she can't seem to edge out Quinn in the battle for salutatorian. (It's pretty much a given at this point that neither of them will be able beat Mike for valedictorian.) "You'll get into any school you apply to. You could probably even get into Harvard. Or Yale."

Quinn stares at her for a long moment with an unreadable expression. "Do you really believe that?"

"I do," Rachel confirms easily. "The question is, why don't you?"

Quinn looks away, chewing on the corner of her lip. "I don't know." She shrugs awkwardly. "Maybe because...no one else expects me to be anything more than the pretty prom queen who screws up her life by getting pregnant and gets stuck in her hometown married to her loser boyfriend."

She sounds so angry at herself when she says it, and Rachel can't help but recall another very similar conversation they'd had not that long ago—only at the time, Rachel hadn't understood that Quinn's vision of her future with Finn wasn't ever meant to be something Rachel should covet. But she thinks she understands now.

"That's not who you are, Quinn," Rachel inisists, setting her plate aside. "Not if you don't want to be." Quinn looks at her again with shining eyes. "You told me I don't belong here," she recalls with brand new comprehension. "But neither do you. The mistakes you've made don't have to define you. You can do anything. Be anything."

Quinn exhales unsteadily, turning her head and brushing her fingers beneath her eyes. "What if I don't know what that is?" She shakes her head, glancing back to Rachel with a sad smile. "Not everyone is as certain about what they want as you are, Rachel."

"Maybe you don't have to be," Rachel reasons with a shrug. "Maybe that's what college is for. Or...or maybe it just happens when it happens. I don't know," she concedes, holding Quinn's gaze. "But I do know the only way it even has a chance of happening is if you open yourself up to the possibility. And while OSU Lima isn't a bad school by any means, if you have other options," she makes sure to meet those hazel eyes head on, "and Quinn, you definitely do...why not explore them?"

Quinn stares at her with a trace of wonder in her expression. "Wow. You're really taking that whole give her wings when she wants to fly thing seriously, aren't you?"

It takes Rachel a moment to pick up on the reference, but when she does, she can actually feel her face catch fire. But she tries to play it off. "I...I think that's what you should do when you care about someone in general."

Quinn draws in a careful breath. "I think...you deserve to have someone do that for you too."

Rachel does not disagree. She just can't quite tell if Quinn is speaking in generals or to a very specific someone that Rachel very much hopes is Quinn. "I actually feel like...maybe you've tried to do that a few times already. Sending me on my way, and all that," she recalls with a tentative grin. "I just wasn't understanding you at the time."

The sun is quickly sinking low in the sky, bathing the world in hues of orange and red, but Rachel is almost certain that the color she's seeing on Quinn's cheeks has nothing to do with the current lighting. "Don't give me too much credit, Rachel." she warns. "I wanted you to stay away from Finn."

"By reminding me I'm meant for bigger and better things than Lima," Rachel points out, only really considering now what it means that Quinn had chosen that approach.

Quinn shrugs. "It's true."

"You know, most people generally try to belittle my talent and tell me I'm dreaming too big...that I'll never make it on Broadway...but you never have."

Quinn sighs, her expression going soft. "I never could. No matter what else I might have felt about you before, I've always been in awe of your talent." Rachel's entire being flushes with pleasure, even more so when Quinn admits, "And it's impossible not to admire your ambition."

"Not so impossible for everyone else." In fact, they generally find her ambition off-putting—even Finn had while he'd claimed to love her.

Quinn frowns. "Well, they're stupid. And probably jealous. Don't listen to them."

If Rachel wasn't already nearly certain that she's in love with Quinn, she would be now. She almost says it, but she doesn't want to freak Quinn out. She's still stunned that she hasn't freaked her out already with everything else. "And you wanted to know how I could like you," she murmurs in awe, reaching out to touch Quinn's hand where it's resting on the blanket.

She's pretty sure that Quinn is blushing again, and she's absolutely certain the bashful smile on her face is the loveliest thing she's ever seen. And then Quinn is moving her hand, turning it over to tentatively link their fingers together, and Rachel just about loses her breath. "I think I kind of like you too," Quinn says softly, as if she can't quite believe she's saying it.

Rachel can't quite believe it either, but her heart is practically soaring up to the stars that will soon be appearing in the sky. She only smiles and holds Quinn's hand more tightly to keep from flying away.

And Quinn lets her.

Together, they watch the sun set and the stars begin to shine, and they sink down onto the blanket to gaze up at the heavens. Rachel points out the constellations, quietly reciting the myths associated with them. She has a feeling Quinn already knows them, but she seems content to listen to Rachel talk.

Until she isn't.

Quinn shifts on the blanket, turning onto her side and propping her head on her hand as she looks down at Rachel with a contemplative expression on her face. Rachel's words trail off under Quinn's intent gaze.

"Quinn? You're supposed to be looking at the stars."

Quinn's lips slowly curl into a mysterious smile. "I am. I'm looking at the brightest one."

And Rachel's heart is just gone—rocketing up into the atmosphere and bouncing around between the stars before landing right in the palm of Quinn's hand. A breathless, "Oh," is all Rachel can manage.

And then Quinn is shifting again, moving closer, and Rachel's lips part in surprise and she can barely remember to breath because—

Oh.

Oh, her lips are so soft and warm and—

Finn was not wrong about the fireworks.

Rachel feels like she's flying apart, exploding into a million sparks of colorful light that catch the universe on fire. And when Quinn moans against her lips and deepens the kiss, Rachel knows she isn't the only one who's feeling it.

She knows without a doubt that she just found one more dream to chase, and Quinn is going to help her catch it.

[woolooshepherd]

A Silent Voice | 2/26/20

In A Silent Voice, we see characters at their very worst, and well, not really ever at their best.

Kids are rarely are ever born so… outright malicious.  Their behavior and god-awful treatment of Nishimiya are the direct products of a failed system, a system where the adults have failed the new generation.  Nishimiya was different, and those kids didn’t know how to handle it.  They were never taught these things, at least, not in the right way.  They saw her as faulty, someone who was ruining their “perfect” classroom, and they wanted her out.  The adults (I’m referring mainly to the school staff) were just as guilty, neglecting to do anything worthwhile about it (which only encouraged the kids’ behavior).  When it came time to actually take responsibility, they all just picked a scapegoat and denied their own wrongdoings.  

Ishida is remorseful later on, and even tries to make amends with Nishimiya, but he had to be forcibly put in her spot to understand.  He blames himself for everything that has happened to him, just as Nishimiya blames herself for everything that has happened to her.  Ishida believes this for years, and Nishimiya has believed this for her whole life, which clearly culminated into some serious mental health issues.

Rather than solely a story of redemption, I feel like A Silent Voice is a story of discrimination, mental health, and recovery. No one really gets “redeemed,” (besides Ishida) and in fact, some characters get even more despicable.  Ishida and Nishimiya are just two characters trying to make it in a prejudiced society that has rejected them.

Recovery is a long and messy process.  It’s not perfect, there are times when you feel like everything is /finally/ getting better, and then all of a sudden, you’re at rock bottom again.  It has its ups and downs, and I think A Silent Voice illustrates that very well.  The events of A Silent Voice are just the beginnings of recovery though, Ishida and Nishimiya still have a long way to go.

--

I read A Silent Voice way back in middle school when it was first starting to be published in a weekly magazine, and it’s become one of my all-time favorite series.  I even own all seven volumes! :)   You have no idea how excited I was when I learned years later that they were going to make a movie, and by KyoAni no less! The animation, backgrounds, music, and voice acting were all done wonderfully.

To anyone who has time, I really recommend picking up the manga series.  It’s only about ~60-ish chapters, but the pacing is more natural compared to the film. You also get to see a lot more with the characters and their thoughts/motivations (like Nishimiya’s mother).  I was a bit sad when some scenes didn’t make it into the movie, but I guess there’s only so much you can squeeze in 2 hours!

[ethinkirs]

This month.

This month I have been stressing out over school and just life I guess.

I’m very proud of myself because I have been very proactive and involved with school now that I am so close to graduating.

Right now, the reason I am here behind a screen typing away is because I am feeling guilty, disgusted, ashamed, and just plain awful. I feel like nothing and no one to be honest. Part of the reason I feel this way is because I started biting my nails after letting them grow. They were nice and long. I was so close to not biting them anymore but I started overthinking and basically ruined everything. I let things get to me and here I am, back to square one. Another reason I feel down is because I have been eating incredibly unhealthy. So unhealthy that I have noticed the weight gain in my body change. I feel like I have gained 5 pounds or something but looking at my gut grosses me out so much. Something that I have done to become healthy and work on this is running and doing some work outs at home and at school. I just want to cry honestly. I feel so ugly and disgusting. I don’t feel one bit of pretty. 

Aside from all of this petty dramatic bullshit, 

I’m here feeling guilty and ashamed from my last relationship.

I know that thinking about this will not help me right now but i cant stop thinking about how toxic, awful, and evil I am. I am a sad human being.

Like honestly, my last relationship turned me into this monster, this person that I do not know. A person that is miserable, bitter, angry, insecure, and resentful. Just reflecting on all the drama, makes me fucking sick. Why would I do these things to another human being? How did I do this for 8-9 years on and off? Why? I was so invested in making someone else miserable. I was invested in making sure that this person did not find out what I was hiding. I cheated on someone for half of a year. A whole complete 6 months and honestly felt no sense of remorse. How did I stoop so low? How? I know why I did it and understanding why I did it seriously ruins me and breaks me. This person that was in me was capable of intentionally hurting someone else for the fun of it. For the fun of it because she didn’t care. She was numb, she was in pain, she was hurt, betrayed, and so so so angry….. She wanted to see the person “she loved” in complete and utter pain no matter how long or what it took. She wanted to see him hurt. 

Wanted him to feel everything she felt prior to becoming a fucking mess. 

Till this day I probably still don’t feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for MYSELF.

I hurt for MYSELF, understand for MYSELF. 

I just cant believe it.

This is so painful and detrimental to my mental health.

I feel so insane, out of it, a fucking robot with no feelings towards others.

Truly and sincerely sad.

[progressiontoadulthood]

November 10th, 2018

I’m 19 and 9 months old and I’m back here again to vent about the scumbag Cameron that has been living in my house this year. We’ve not been speaking all term and I’m at my breaking point. The final straw was in week 2/3 of first term this year. In Kuda everything was going fine except Cam was being unnecessarily clingy on me and putting his head on my shoulder and groping and being very handsy and strange. This gave me quite a lot of anxiety to the point where I ended up tryna run around and lose him but he kept following me. Eventually it got to the point I had to tell Abi, Abi told Cam to go away when he followed me and Cam called her some name and walked off. I had a panic attack so Abi took me home, we text the chat to say we had walked home. When we got back Cam was lying on the floor in front of the door. The minute we approached he opened his eyes so Idek what he’d been doing. Isobel was a bit behind so I went to find her and shouted her name. Cam started shouting about us being too loud. When we got in Isobel said “Cam just go to bed man you’re freaking out” and Cam flew the fuck out of line, he called Isobel and bitch and a cunt and told her to get out of his house. He repeatedly referred to the house as solely his and that the rest of us had no control over it. I was already having a panic attack, I stopped being able to breathe so Isobel and Abi told him to stop shouting because I couldn’t breathe but Cam kept going and I nearly passed out. Cam didn’t stop shouting but just walked out the room. Amber then began having a panic attack which Cam didn’t acknowledge. He disregarded her and my safety completely despite the many many times I’ve helped him in situations like that. Isobel began crying as Cam had been emotionally abusing her and was getting borderline physical with her waving his hands around her and stamping near her it was clear she wasn’t safe, Cam went and sat on the stairs in the way of everyone trying to get away from her, I was sat down in my room and Isobel went back out to tell Cam how he was being a horrible person to everyone but he wouldn’t listen and threatened to call the police on Isobel for being in the house (I’m not sure if that happened now or before tbh). Eventually Isobel took him to his room where he continued to verbally assault her and then he showed her a cut he had made on his arm and said he “didn’t know where he’d got it from” the fact that he showed her it means he wanted to draw attention from it and ofc Isobel has had a past with similar stuff as have most of us, Cam knew this, it sent Isobel down a dark path with her mental health and she had to go home this week. Cam had no remorse for anyone else that night and his actions were unforgivable. Abi and Amber have both had panic attacks/have cried over it and been removed all week. I was unable to remain in the house and Beth has stayed at Ethan’s all the time. No one feels safe around him.

I have a lot of unresolved issues with him, here’s a few...

He can never let me have anything to myself and on the rare occasion i do he has to ruin it. He did it when I took MD, he never let me have a night out on my own, even when (like 2 times) when he let me go out on my own he always had to go out with his mates and dance near mine like seriously. Cam needs to give me space and a lot of it and let me go out and let me do drugs and let me go to fucking McDonald’s without him without ruining the experience with spite saying I went upstairs without saying bye to him and didn’t hear out his conversation!! Like fuck man I spent 5 mins with you and was busy working on my CVs so was only down to refuel and the he was only talking about himself and didn’t seem to care about my issues like the convo went him asking me how I was, I told him about all the work I was applying for, then I asked him and he popped off like you didn’t give a shit about my problems enough to ask a follow up so why should I ya cunt?? Honestly get to fuck. Conclusion, he is controlling, an emotional abuser and I should have taken the thousands of warnings everyone’s been giving him.

[theblogofmeandmybrain-blog]

Alcohol(e?)

I'm going to write about my experiences/ opinion/ attitude towards alcohol in this post. For people that may read this that don't know, I've never consumed alcohol in my life. I'm 21 years old and a student. Is that confusing or off to you? The reason for which I have never drank is that from almost as far back as I can remember my mum was a heavy drinker. Particularly once I started high school my life was changed entirely by my mums relationship with alcohol developed. My mum became addicted to alcohol and her addiction, in combination with her mental health my home life an absolute nightmare. What can a 12 year old boy do when home is hell and he has nobody to confide in or nowhere else to go? Everyday id go home from school not knowing what would await me. Sometimes my mum would go on these alcohol fuelled benders in which she would sometimes stay up for 3 days straight, where I literally had to sneak around my home just to stay out of her sight. I used to go to sleep on a school night and wake up to find her still up, sat in the kitchen still drinking. I'd spend all of my day in school just praying that she would have gone to sleep by the time id got back home. When my mum drank, she was my biggest fear. She could say some of the most hurtful and haunting things and some of the things she said still affect me to this day. Throughout the entirety of my high school experience I fought a private and draining battle at home because of my mums alcoholism. My mum would become a monster when she was under the influence of alcohol, which was most of the time. The days in which she were sober she was so different. She was so remorseful and sorry for some of the things that she would do. Me and my sister grew up in the most difficult environment possible. At times it was like fending for ourselves but living with a demon at the same time who made everything so difficult. There were ruined birthdays and Christmases. Nothing was ever okay. All it would take my mum to drink and everything would become null and void. I'd have to walk on egg shells knowing my mum could snap on me for any reason she could, even just looking at her sometimes could aggravate her. I'd take my dog out for hours in the freezing cold just to get away from her. I'd spend nights crying and just praying that she would go to sleep so I could go downstairs. It was the most toxic environment imaginable. My mum had several spells in hospitals and institutions because of her alcoholism, including what I think was a 6 month spell in rehab whilst I was in college. I've blocked out so many painful memories from that time, but my life at home was an absolute mess because of my mums alcoholism and it's probably played some kind of role in how I am today. It was only due to my mothers body physically being unable to handle alcohol that she no longer drinks. Nothing else worked for her, her addiction was that strong. I want to talk about my experiences with my mums alcoholism in more depth someday but I have blocked out so much of it out and it's not the purpose of this post. I've been thinking a lot about drinking recently despite this. Obviously not drinking has had huge implications for a teenager or a student in university culture. Drinking heavily is seen as a cultural norm of a student, and I feel like my lack of drinking has impacted on me socially. I've felt people have written me off as a bore or weird because I don't drink, or they won't invite me to places simply because I don't drink when I go there like that's the whole overriding point of going anywhere to begin with. I feel like it's potentially stopped me forming friendships with people or that people don't treat me the same way because I don't drink. I've been wondering whether If i did drink it would make me happier as a person. Obviously I struggle a lot with my mental health but I don't do anything that helps with that. When normal people have a bad day they'll get drunk, or they associate being drunk with being happy etc. I wonder recently if the same thing would happen for me. I do feel as though it's something which would be betraying my former self somewhat. The boy who spent years wishing that alcohol didn't exist because of what it did to my life and to my mother. I feel like I would be disrespecting all the time I spent suffering, but I wonder if I did drink id be that bit happier, people wouldn't exclude me purely because I don't drink and that I could make more friends as for a lot of students or young adults in general, it seems as though there's no point going anywhere if it's not to get drunk and if you're not down for that you may as well not go. I'm unsure which direction to go in. I've avoided alcohol for this long that it's kind of miraculous in the environments that I've been in. But I feel like I've paid for it, and that I could of been better off if I just did. The addiction side does terrify me sometimes, I'd say I'd never end up like my mum but my Nan had huge alcohol problems throughout my mums childhood and it would just be history repeating itself over and over. Maybe alcoholism is in my genes. But maybe I could be happy in a way that I can't be sometimes. Maybe I could be more included and not be left out or alienated just because I don't drink. My life has had so many moments of difficulty recently that I've wanted a way out of my head, if only for a day or for a night. Alcohol seems to permit that. People seem to get happier and become carefree. I'm not sure.