#WALA SIYANG KASALANAN!!!!

[cedrickjuans]

Even Christ himself was innocent.

GOMBURZA (2023) | dir. pepe diokno

[solreix]

sakusa kiyoomi as yn's minsan childhood friend, madalas kaaway. at ngayon, boyfriend daw?

"ang kupad."

umirap siya sa hangin nang marinig ang salitang iyon galing kay sakusa. hindi niya pa nga nasusuklay ang buhok, at hindi pa siya nakakapag-pulbo!

"napaka-aga mo kasi, nagmamadali ka ba?" inis niyang sagot habang nakatingin sa salamin.

nakita niya pang inirapan siya nito bago sumagot, "first day na first day kasi nagpapa-late ka."

dumila siya rito. "first day na first day kasi, gusto mong mauna sa lahat! wala pa ngang magtuturo niyan sigurado."

"iiwan na kita—"

nang akmang tatayo si sakusa mula sa sofa nila, agad niyang pinagpag ang pulbo sa mukha at itinulak ang buhok gamit ang kamay. agad siyang tumakbo pa-pintuan, making sure nauna siya kay sakusa dahil magsasapatos pa siya.

"ma! alis na kami!" sigaw niya habang nagsisintas. muli, dumila siya kay sakusa dahil sa bagal nito maglakad, nauna siyang matapos magsintas kaysa makalabas ito ng gate. "disney princess ka masyado maglakad kasi kaya gusto mong maaga."

"kaysa sa'yo na darating sa campus nang pawis na pawis?" sagot nito.

"mama mo," asar niya rito.

"dugyot."

nanlaki ang mata niya, at nagpanggap na gulat. suminghap pa siya para mas dramatic bago tiningnan ang tabi. "dugyot si tita? susumbong kita!"

kitang-kita niya kung paano mangunot ang noo ni sakusa sa narinig. gusto niyang tumawa dahil dito, pero pinipigilan niya ang sarili para mas maasar ito.

bumilis tuloy ang paglalakad ni sakusa at dahil sa haba ng biyas nito, naiiwan siya. agad niya itong hinabol at tumalon upang abutin ang leeg nito, at sumabit.

"'wag ka mang-iwan!"

"get off me," naiinis na tinanggal nito ang braso niya mula sa leeg.

this time, hindi niya na mapigilang matawa nang makita ang pamumula ng buong mukha nito. umabot pa sa leeg. "sensitive talaga ng balat mo! konting lapat lang ng kamay ko namumula ka agad."

"marumi ka kasi," sagot nito, inayos ang suot na face mask.

"ang kapal-kapal ng mukha mo, hoy—"

alam niya namang hindi siya marumi, pero dahil sa dumi na 'yan kaya lang naman sila nagkakilala ni sakusa. bagong lipat pa lang sa tabi nila ang pamilya nito nang umuwi siyang puro putik mula bewang hanggang paa.

hindi niya makakalimutan kung paano siya nahusgahan nito pagpasok na pagpasok pa lang niya sa sariling bahay. malinaw na malinaw pa sa utak niya ang mukhang tahimik na batang lalaki, na nakasuot ng yellow t-shirt na may mukha ni sponge bob at short na kulay itim. nasa tabi ito ng isang magandang babae na kulot din ang buhok, at nakikipag-usap sa mama niya.

"yuck." hindi man lang ito nag-abalang hinaan ang boses!

kinder pa lang sila noon kaya dapat normal pa lang na marumi sila kalalaro. well, nahulog siya sa kanal kaya siya ganoon karumi sa totoo lang pero hindi na kailangang malaman iyon ng batang si sakusa.

sumama ang timpla ng mukha niya at kumuha ng putik mula sa damit. tumatakbo siyang lumapit sa batang mukhang bubuyog dahil sa suot nito at ikinalat ang putik sa mukha ni sponge bob sa damit nito.

"ayan, yuck ka rin!" at saka siya humalukipkip.

parehong nagulat ang mga mama nila sa nangyari, at ilang sorry ata ang nasabi ng pareho sa isa't isa. dahil mas malaki ang kasalanan niya, lagi siyang sinasabihan ng nanay niya na puntahan si sakusa para sabay silang pumasok at nakasanayan na nila ito.

"duduraan kita pag-uwi, ayaw mo akong hintayin!" sigaw niya nang muling magkaroon ng distansya sa pagitan nila.

"hindi kita isasabay," sagot nito kahit nakatalikod.

akmang sasagot siyang muli nang may humarang na lalaki sa kaniya. "uy, hoshi!" nakipag-apir pa siya kay hoshiumi.

"wala ka namang jowa diba?" bungad nito.

pabiro siyang sumimangot. "mapanakit naman bungad mo, dalawang buwan tayong hindi nagkita."

humalakhak si hoshiumi. "tanga! irereto kita, crush ka kasi ni kanoka!"

nanlaki ang mata niya. "kanoka–kanoka amanai!? yung sa volleyball?"

ngumisi ito. "oo, pre. type mo?"

"sinong hindi may type sa kaniya—"

"yeah, but sadly may boyfriend siya."

naputol ang sasabihin niya nang may sumingit. iniangat niya sa katabi ang tingin at nakitang si sakusa ito, wala na ang suot na face mask at wala ring ekspresyon sa mukha.

"weh? tingnan mo! maka-react kanina akala mo naoffend ko siya!" sumimangot si hoshiumi. "sayang naman patay na patay sa'yo 'yon—pero i-interrogate kita sa jowa mo next time! late na 'ko!"

bago pa man siya makareact, nakalipad na paalis si hoshiumi. nilongon niyang muli ang kasama. tatlong beses. mabagal. at pasama nang pasama ang naging pagkurap niya habang nakatitig kay sakusa.

"anong eksena 'yon?" tanong niya.

umangat ang kaliwang kilay ng kausap. "bakit? gusto mo si kanoka?"

"hindi—pero kahit na!" lumalim ang gitla sa noo niya. "epal ka sa love life! at boyfriend—sinong boyfriend ko?"

ngumisi ito, at tumagilid ang ulo. "ako."

ilang segundong katahimikan ang namutawi sa pagitan nila bago siya nakahanap ng isasagot. "may... may hd ka sa'kin?"

this time, noo naman ni sakusa ang nangunot. "hd?"

suminghap siya. "h. d. hidden desire!"

nalaglag ang panga ni sakusa. sumara ang bibig nito, at muling bubukas pero isasara muli. tila hindi alam ang sasabihin. sa huli, bumuntong hininga lang ito, umiling, at tinalikuran siya.

"hoy! hindi ka pa nga nanliligaw!" habol niya.

humarap ito sa kaniya kahit naglalakad. "i will, tanga. pinaalis ko lang magiging sagabal."

[atsuwiee]

ushijima “diba sinabi ko umuwi ka na?” wakatoshi.

⋆.✧̣̇˚. | hindi mo rin alam ba’t siya ganito e, basta nalang sumusulpot pag nasa school ka tas late na.

genre: senior!ushijima wakatoshi au, short oneshot, fluff warnings: grammatical errors, not proofread, written in filipino/tagalog

xian’s note: senior ushijima brainrot bc i’m missing my senior crush na mag graduate na hay

“hindi ba sabi ko umuwi ka na?” you hear the familiar voice and look towards it. “oh ikaw nanaman?” oo, siya nanaman. “uwi ka na sabi e, tignan mo mag didilim na tas nandito ka pa” sabi ni ushijima. nasa organization room ka pa, inaayos yung gamit para sa next event, kaya napa-late ka nanaman na uwi.

“eh ikaw ba’t nandito ka pa?” “may training kasi ako, alam mo na ‘yun”

daming eme naman neto sa buhay, you sighed and cleaned up the room muna. “y/n sabay na…” napalingon ka uli, ay org-mate mo lang pala. he stopped sa entrance ng room, standing next to ushijima, he was small compared to him.

“…tayo” he finished what he said napatingin lang so ushijima sainyong dalawa. “sasama na siya sakin,” sabi naman ni ushijima. “huy—?” sabi mo naman tas tumango nalang ‘tong org-mate mo. “ay oh sige, ingat kayo!” sabi niya, tas umalis na rin.

“ba’t mo ba sila tinatakot?” “‘di ko man ah, not my fault they get intimidated by me”

nga naman, ‘di kasalanan ni ushijama ba’t sila natatakot sakanya, napatawa ka nalang. “hatid na kita,” sabi ni ushijima at tuluyan pumasok sa room. “hindi na kaya ko na ‘to, may training ka pa diba?” sabi mo na patanong, he didn’t mind what you just said, acting as if wala siyang narinig.

“akin na bag mo,” sabi niya. “‘di kaya ko na nga ‘to—“ sinabi mo sabay kuha sa bag mo. “sabi ko akin na, ‘wag ka na makulit, hahatid na kita.” sinabi ni ushijima sabay kuha sa bag mo na hawak hawak mo kanina. “dilim na nga eh tas gusto mo umuwi ka pa mag isa” he muttered pero rinig na rinig mo pa ‘din. “sorry po,” sabi ko sabay tawa na rin habang palabas na kami ng school.

“‘wag ka nga nag p-po sa’kin, you’re making me sound old” kontra ni ushijima. “eh mas matanda ka naman talaga sa’kin ah?” sinabi ko, kasama na rin ng tawa. “senior ka na kasi… sus,” you say with a little ‘tsk’ sound.

“you’ll just miss me once i graduate,” sabi niya sabay tawa, he isn’t like this always, pero moments like this always get you hooked onto him. “ma-feeling!” you say with a small laugh.

tinignan ka lang ni ushijima, but his gaze— it was a sweet gaze. mas bumilis pa pag tibok ng puso niya pag nakikita niya ang ngiti mo.

corny niya ‘no? lakas maka haitd sundo sa’yo kala mo jowa mo na. eh wala siguro pakipot lang ‘to o gusto niya pa ng pogi points para makuha naman puso mo.

the laughter died down pero one question stays im ushijima’s mind and that is,

“y/n, pwede ba kita ligawan?”

[ontowanderlust]

What kind of future?

SYPNOSIS. When you can see everyone’s future but your own, do you dare wonder if you had one to begin with? And while the heavens offered no answer, will you still ask which future is the right one when the person you love had someone waiting for him?

PROMPT. Fortuneteller!AU where you can see everyone’s future but your own.

TROPES. idiots in love; F2L, I swear; the art of waiting can sometimes be painful.

WC. 9k words.

WARNINGS/TAGS. Svt filo fanfic; slight angst (sobrang super slight parang kagat ng maliit na dinosaur. Rawr.); Some grammatical errors na I swear I’ll edit when I get to it; Unsolicited filo jokes (mentions of maintenance as in drugs but like in a light hearted way); food mentions;

NOTES. So. This is actually a product of a random conversation. I didn’t exactly think it would bear a fanfic out of it pero welp, here we are. Been tapping into writing in taglish again but who knows, maybe I’ll try to translate it into cohesive english din? Anyway, this is for you @moonwonuu Also, the title came from the song, What kind of future by Woozi. Kaya kung masakit man tong fanfic na to, kasalanan talaga ni Woozi yan tas damay niyo na rin si Cel kasi siya nag reco sakin nyan.

MORE NOTES. Happy birthday, Jeonghan. (I know wala kang masyadong role dito sa fic pero since birthday mo ngayon, shoutout ko na lang ikaw dito.)

You were descended in a clan of fortune tellers.

Syempre, hindi yung typical na naiimagine ng mga tao when they hear the word fortune tellers, ah? Katulad siguro ni Madam Auring (Not to be that person pero, buhay pa ba yun?) or si Master Hanz (Jusko naman yung tagline nun na "Hanz-on sa future mo" or something will remain living rent free sa utak mo every time napapadaan ka sa edsa) or that old lady sa isang morning talk show (Kabisado na nga ng pinsan mo yung spiel niya) or heaven forbid, yung mga manghuhula sa Quiapo. (Di ba gayuma yung specialization nila?)

Point is, other fortune tellers use divination as means of seeing ahead. They have techniques (tricks daw sabi ni Chan) like Astronomy, Tarot Card readings, reading tea leaves, or even looking through a crystal ball pero kayo ng family mo? You could say your family's way of foreseeing is different from the norm.

All it takes is a glance, after all.

One glance, and you'd know the person's future. Ang kaso lang, meron siyang pa-catch- terms and conditions ba, ganun.

First, you have to look into the eyes of the person. As in: mata sa mata. Would you need the other person to look at you? Hindi naman. Basta ang importante nakikita mo yung mismong mata ng other person. Although, isang malaking perk kung magkatitigan kayo. Mas clear yung vision mo.

Second, you could only take a look for certain amount of time otherwise, magkakaroon ka ng information overload and it will leave your head hurting for days. Basically, the amount of time you can garner sa pagtingin sa future ng ibang tao can only last from three seconds to three minutes. Why three? Wala lang. Gusto mo lang. You're not really the type of person to look someone in the eyes for quite too long. (Actually, trial and error din talaga ang timing ng pag tingin into the future sa family mo. There was once a rumor, according sa cousins mo na may someone na nakatagal daw ng twenty minutes. Shocking. Who even in their right mind would look someone in the eye for that long? "Did they even blink?" you had asked that one time, only for your cousin to shrug at you. "Di ba pag nagblink, you'd lose train of sight? I don't think they did." "Wow." "Di ba? Amazing.")

Third, the future you could see doesn't have a fixed timeline. Just because you've been staring at a person for three minutes straight, doesn’t mean you’ll see what will happen in the next three years or so. Minsan, your vision would take you to three minutes in the future, minsan naman it might take you three years, minsan thirty years. Point is, you could only see what will happen pero as to when it will happen? Nako. Wag mo nang isipin. Migraine lang abot niyan sayo.

Fourth, just because you saw doesn't mean it's established. Humans are fickle beings, after all. Di sila madidiktahan kung anong gusto nilang gawin sa buhay. At the end of the day, humans faced choices and it will be up to them as to what kind of choice they will make in order for the vision you saw come to fruition.

Fifth, the more attached you are to the person, the harder it is to see their future. Some elders in your family said na maybe it's because the universe still wants to find balance in everything- and by balance, they meant para daw di makapagcheat in life and abusuhin ng family mo yung ability bestowed upon you. Which is kinda bullshit kasi by bestowing this ability is already giving your family a way to cheat the system. So bale, the closer your relationship is with that person, the harder it is to foresee. It doesn't mean you won't totally see the future but more like, makikita mo nga pero it's kinda blurry and di as clear as strangers'.

And lastly- and this one sucks for you because apparently, you could see people's futures. Other people- people na wala talagang kinalaman sayo. At all. You can see anyone's future... except your own.

Di ba ang saklap? Kasi ibang tao ang nakikinabang ng ability mo. Well, depende rin siguro kung good thing ba yun or bad thing. Because on one hand, at least you're free to do your own thing. Walang looming pressure for you to take certain kinds of decisions to end up where you should be. Pero at the same time, parang di ba pwedeng kahit may onting assurance lang naman kahit papaano na may mararating ka rin in life? Na despite the struggles and challenges, may kahihinatnan naman ang buhay mo?

"And where exactly is this coming from again?" Seungkwan asked as he brandished the popsicle he was eating as he stared at the bustling quadrangle whilst the rest of his companions shared the same knowing look. "I mean- di naman sa pagaano ah? But like, you've been reciting your family's manifesto for like what, twenty times?-" he looked at their friends for back up to which they all nodded at. "- in the years of our friendship. And we're what, twelve years nang magkakaibigan?"

"Try fifteen," Soonyoung corrected to which they all simultaneously nodded again, settling in a more comfortable position.

"See?” Your lavender haired friend acknowledged. “So, really, what’s new? Kahit pa yata pagbali-baliktarin mo buong universe, yang terms and conditions niyo hindi na magbabago. Which boils down to one thing-" he stared you down with those same judgmental glare every time he felt suspicious of you. "What's got you like this?"

“Means ano daw nakita mong future bakit bigla kang nagspiral ng ganyan.” Chan pointed out, earning him a pointed look from you.

Of course, you understood what Seungkwan meant. Your friends knew you all too well, after all. You wouldn't be reciting all those shitty terms and conditions if there's nothing wrong- if you didn't see a future worth your attention.

But you did. And it's eating you deep down. Which scared you. Kasi normally di mo naman pinapansin lahat ng mga visions mo- not even when this one random dude got rejected during his public proposal. But this particular vision had your thoughts spiraling, stomach churning just by thinking about it.

"Wonwoo's gonna meet his lover soon.”

“Whoop and there it is.”

You loved Soonyoung. You really do. But sometimes this dude can really run his mouth before his brain can even catch up with it.

Turning your head, you watched as his eyes widen just as your words had sunk in his brain. "Wait, ha?" you would've found his reaction funny and you can't really blame him that his brain had short-circuited for a minute there- not when all your friends were also looking at you as if you had spoken the unspeakable.

"Wait lang," Vernon decided to finally join the conversation he had been contently listening to, raising his hand as if he's physically trying to slow down everything. "Repeat that, pero slowly."

“Exactly what I said. Wonwoo’s gonna meet his beloved soon.”

“‘The future you could see doesn’t have a fixed timeline.’ Di ba yan yung sabi mo?” He quoted after few minutes of silence as if he's arguing on your behalf. “‘You could only see what will happen, not when.’”

“Article four of your terms and conditions, just because you saw doesn’t mean established na yun.” Soonyoung proudly added. “You know, for someone who memorized the terms and conditions, bakit parang nakakalimutan mo yun? And here I thought, nasa’yo ang group brain cells for the week.” He teased, earning a smack on his arm to which he cradled in pain.

“Tsaka di ba the more attached you are, the harder it is to see?” Seungkwan added, his hands gesturing as if he was presenting a lecture. “So bakit parang certain ka na he’s gonna find someone soon?”

"Kasi." you breathed out as if you're gathering all your courage. "Paulit ulit ko na siyang nakikita.” You shrank to your seat, leaning towards Vernon who simply placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. “Aside from that, every time our eyes meet, yung scene na yun ang bumubungad sakin. And I really don’t want to keep replaying the scene over and over.”

“Kaya pala di ka na makatingin sa kanya!” Soonyoung exclaimed as if it all made sense, making the rest of them frown at him, Chan going as far as to reaching over to smack him at the back of his head lightly.

“Yeah,” you said, voice flat as if you’re trying to hide the misery behind your voice. “It’s a good thing we don’t have that much classes in common. Mahahalata niya agad eh.”

“Uh, no offense pero if Hoshi noticed it, what are the odds na di niya mapapansin?” Chan asked, sympathy etched upon his face, knowing the answer to his question.

“None. Zero. Mas observant kaya yun kesa kay Kwannie kapag naghahanap ng mach-chika.” Vernon answered as he tapped your shoulder in silent apology. “And- I know this doesn’t help at all pero when it comes to you, all his senses seemed to heighten.” He added much to your distress.

“Hmm, di kaya ikaw yun?” Seungkwan asked after few minutes of silence, which isn’t like him at all. “Yung nasa vision mo, I mean. Baka lang naman kasi kung paulit ulit ba naman-”

“She can see anyone’s future except her own,” they all chorused as you groaned, sinking further into your seat.

“I’ve never seen my future before, Kwannie. Why start now?”

“You tell me. You haven’t seen Jeon’s future sa years of your friendship din naman. And how long have you been friends? Fifteen years?”

“Eighteen,” you mumbled.

“Oh. Eighteen na pala. That's longer than the rest of us pa. So you mean to say all those years, wala ni isang vision ka nakita? So bakit ngayon lang?” Seungkwan challenged.

“Just because hindi ko makita ang future niya doesn’t mean wala na siya nun. Maybe ngayon lang nagmanifest or something di ba? Humans are fickle beings. Di mo sila madidiktahan. Same goes to visions like this. Just because I've known him most of my life, doesn't mean I have access to his future.”

“Di kaya dahil you like Wonwoo?” Soonyoung offered, pointing his popsicle stick at you. “Or baka nga kasi borderline mahal mo siya? I don't know, ano ba status ng feelings mo sa kanya?”

Soonyoung means well. They all mean well. You know that, they know that. Kaya lang, the thing about emotions, you tend to shy away sa topic na yun especially when you’re in the center of it. Okay lang siguro kung katuwaan, kung light hearted emotions ang pinaguusapan. Pero this kind of emotion? Parang you’d rather choke na lang than to unearth these feelings that had been buried deep down.

“May kinalaman ba ang feelings sa pagdetermine ng future ng isang tao?” Chan wondered as you sighed in relief, knowing he’s trying to at least lighten the burden from you. “Nai-influence ba ng feelings mo yung future?”

This, you can answer.

You shook your head. “I don’t think so. Kasi if that were the case then sana matagal nang na-disintegrate yung future nung kaaway ni kuya Hannie.” you mused, Soonyoung looking aghast as he looked at you (It’s no secret he’s afraid of your elder cousin). “But from what I’ve heard mukhang wala pa naman nakakagawa nun. Again, we’re just seers. Di naman namin kayang maginfluence ng future ng iba.”

“So if that were the case, anong gagawin mo?” Vernon asked, softly and quiet as if he was threading lightly. “When Wonwoo found that someone?”

“Be happy for him I guess,” you shrugged to which earned you a flick on your forehead by Seungkwan making you cry out in protest as you glared at him. “What the hell, Seungkwan?”

“Ano ka, martyr?” He scoffed, glaring at you in return. “Di ka namin pinalaking duwag, __. You either step up your game, or confess. Hindi yung magmumukmok ka sa gilid just because of a future that may or may not happen.”

“Pero what if this person will be the one to give him his happiness?” You couldn’t help but wonder. “What if siya pala makakapagbigay ng unyielding love and support kay Woo? What if this person’s the one he truly needed?”

“Bakit, di mo ba kayang gawin yun? You, who knew him for so long? Di mo din ba kayang magbigay ng happiness?” The thing about Seungkwan, once you challenged him into a battle of wits, he’s the type to never back down from it. Especially if it’s to defend his friends even from themselves. “Hindi mo pa ba ginagawa yun? In those eighteen years of your lives, where were you? What are you to him?”

“His freak of a best friend.” You answered, slumping down in defeat as he sneered not because of you, but rather of your answer.

Shaking his head, his eyes softened as he reached over to pat your head, you couldn’t help but feel as if he’s knocking instead. “No, that’s not the question you’re supposed to answer.”

The thing about those terms and conditions your family had, not only they served as guide but throughout the years, they also served as a grounding point for you.

Ang weird man pakinggan but the reason why you were able to memorize the absurdity of it all was because you kept mumbling them whenever you needed a clearer mind. Pero syempre, you do it in a subtle way otherwise napagkamalan ka nang member ng cult sa mga pinagsasabi mo.

So. What was the first one again?

First, you have to look into the eyes of the person. As in: mata sa mata.

“I thought,” Wonwoo spoke up, breaking you out of your reverie and back into the café where you both decided to eat out. “We established na kahit anong titig ang gawin mo, you won’t be able to find anything?” He asked, the interest in his voice didn’t go unnoticed. “Or have you just realized na you can’t seem to get enough of my eyes?”

Despite the rapid thumping of your heart, you couldn’t help the giggle coming out of your mouth as you shook your head at the absurdity of his statement. “At saan mo naman napulot yan, Jeon Wonwoo? Masyado yatang nasosobrahan na ang pagdikit mo kay Soonyoung ah?”

“And there you are,” he chose to ignore your statement, resting his arms on the table as he tilted his head at you, faint traces of smile can be seen upon his lips. “You know, kala mo di ko napapansin pero these days you seem so down. Is there anything I can help with, my beloved bestie?”

Ah, really. Whatever will you do with him? Paanong hindi ka magkakaroon ng feelings when he’s like this? When he makes you feel like you’re important and that whatever it is that you think matters to him?

How can you stop these feelings that had taken place inside you and made a home out of it? How can you ignore the growing excitement when he does this- when he gave you all his attention? His worries and care for you?

Just as you were about to open your mouth, another scene is bleeding through your sight, overlapping the warmth in his eyes- a scene of him flashing the same warmth, maybe even warmer than what you’re used to, the faint smile on his lips growing every second until it erupted into deep, hearty laugh.

Everything seemed to be hazy but you could never miss the look in his eyes as he stared onto the person who was supposed to be right in front of him.

Could you see it? The person he was supposed to be like this? The person he can be carefree with?

Blinking, you shook your head, willing a small smile to creep across your mouth so as he won’t notice the shift in you. “Pagod lang, Wons.” You settled instead, swallowing the words that threatened to escape your lips. “I think nagcatch up lahat ng sleepless nights ko. Heh.”

Eyebrows furrowing, his eyes ran through your features, studying your expression intently as if he was trying to figure the lie in your statement. Deep down, you knew he knew you’re being dishonest but you knew he would never pry- not when you’re closing yourself from him.

Truthfully, you knew it hurt him. Kasi si Wonwoo yan eh. Even if he looked aloof and distant, he is easily the kindest person you’ve ever known in your life.

“Say, Wons,” you try to backpedal, earning his attention. “What will you do when you find the person na destined for you?”

Squinting his eyes, he looked at you as if you sprouted another head. “Ang random ah?” He remarked as you gestured for him to roll with it. “Is that what’s bothering you? Akala ko ba your family specializes on fortune telling at hindi matchmaking? Nag change career na ba kayo?”

Contorting your facial expression into one of a disgust, he couldn’t help but smile at you. “Okay first of all, yuck. Bakit ako magch-change career into that? Meron pa bang matchmaker sa panahon ngayon? Parang nag regress buong diwa ko dun, Jeon Wonwoo, ah?” You protested much to his amusement, letting out a full-blown laughter that caught attention from the patrons of the coffee shop as you kept going on and on about your disdain with matchmakers.

Leaning over the table, he placed both of his hands over your cheeks, gently shaking your face, effectively catching your attention. “Oo na, ayaw mong tawagin kang matchmaker-”

“Kasi di naman yun yung purpose ko!” Your words came out slurring due to his hands pressed on your cheeks but did you mind? No, not at all. “Isang malaking insultong tawagin akong matchmaker, Jeon Wonwoo. Tandaan mo yan.”

“Yes po, kamahalan. Masusunod po.” He grinned, poking your cheeks one more time before he released you. “And to answer your question, I think… I’ll give that person my all. My unconditional love.” His voice turned wistful, a secretive smile forming on his lips as he averted his gaze towards the cooling beverage he had ordered earlier before snapping out of it as he turned back to you. “Pero parang wala pa naman siya sa point na…” he trailed off, shrugging as he effectively ended the discussion right there.

Something about your exchange had your stomach turning. What was that all about?

“Normal bang nangyayari yung matagal mo nang kilala yung tao tas wala kang makitang future niya ni minsan tas out of nowhere bigla ka na lang nagkaroon ng vision?” You asked, watching your cousins bicker over the last dumpling, your question making them cease their movements as they looked at you.

Seems these days people who are close to you kept on watching you as you voice out your thoughts. Was it really that unusual? Do you always keep these things close to you while you figure out what to do?

“Is this about your best friend dilemma?” Jeonghan asked as he wrestled Joshua out of his arm, sneakily taking the last dumpling before popping it into his mouth much to the latter’s exasperation.

“You know about it?”

“No offense, pero ang daldal ng mga kaibigan mo, __.” Seungcheol shrugged, answering for him instead as he offered you his drink to which you graciously accepted. “They had actually beaten you with that question a week ago pa.” He said, making you slightly frown at his statement.

Hay. Minsan di mo rin talaga alam kung matutuwa ka at meron kang concerned na kaibigan or maiinis kasi masyado silang nosy. Pero either way, you couldn’t help but feel grateful at their concern for you- no matter how excessive it would seem.

“Di rin naman namin masagot yung tanong, just so you know. Wala rin naman kaming nasagap na rumors about this happening in the past before. Di katulad nung sa twenty minutes rumor.” Joshua offered much to your dismay. “Kaya I don’t think you need to-” just before he could even finish his sentence, he was elbowed by Jeonghan, whose eyes narrowed as they both shared glares.

Just as you were about to ask what was that all about, you felt a presence at your side, standing behind the empty chair beside you.

Blinking, you turned your head only for your eyes to widen in surprise. Namamalikmata ka ba? Because there, beside you was none other than the person you had been talking about to your cousins earlier.

“Hi,” Wonwoo had the audacity to grin at you as if he wasn’t crashing your cousins’ lunch out before turning to your surprised cousins. “Hi kuyas. Pwede makitable?”

“Hi Jeon,” Seungcheol, the ever quick thinker was the first to recover, gesturing for him to take a seat to which your friend had graciously accepted. “Napadaan ka?”

“Ah, yayayain ko sana si __, kain kami ng lunch kaso sabi ni Nonie kasama niyo daw.” He recounted, trying to catch your gaze as he talked. Even as his attention was directed to your cousins, he was still trying to include you. “Tas sakto nakita ko kayo from the outside so it must be luck to run into you, di ba?”

Jeonghan studied him for a moment before flitting his eyes towards you. “Luck or fate?” He asked, earning a groan from you and a small laugh from your friend. “I don’t think swerte din Jeon. In case di mo nakikita, tapos na kaming kumain.”

“Di pa daw tapos si __,” Joshua was quick to interject before Wonwoo’s expression take a dip. He then turned to you as if to reiterate his statement. “Tsaka di ba sabi mo gutom ka pa?”

“Di ba sabi mo gusto mo pang umorder nung dessert nila?”

“Sige wait, order na ako para sainyong dalawa ni Jeon,” Seungcheol’s tone wasn’t taking no for answer so instead of arguing, who are you to refuse free meal? “Anyway, okay lang ba iwan na namin kayo?” He asked after talking to the waiter, making you turn your head sharply towards him. “I still have class after this while Han and Shua naman-”

“-thesis,” your cousins who were sitting across you chorused while you gave them pointed look. You know for sure these three were lying. If it weren’t for your friend’s unexpected appearance, they would’ve pushed through their plans of ordering the aforementioned dessert.

Di naman sila halata masyado no? Kung pwede lang silang bigwasan right here, right now, you would’ve done it already.

Kaya lang since they are going as far as to treat you another helping of food and paying for your best friend’s lunch even if they didn’t have to just so you could spend more time with your friend, you decided to lay them off.

“Eat well kayo guys,” Shua was the first out of his seat followed by Jeonghan who simply offered a salute to the both of you but not before throwing a wink towards your direction and a look that says he wanted to know what happened once you get home.

Seungcheol was the last to leave, placing a kiss on the crown of your head. Unknown to you, he had also been staring down at your best friend with a silent threat should there anything befall unto you in his absence.

“Pakabusog kayo,” he said with a close lipped smile. Beside you, you could feel your friend stiffening as he reached over to pat him on the back. “See you at home, insan.” He bid you as he went on his way.

Once he was out of your sight, Wonwoo took the opportunity to occupy the seat Jeonghan was previously sitting on, tapping at your shoulder to catch your attention. "Be honest, busog ka na ba? Kasi if yes, I don't mind eating all of these pero you have to accompany me nga lang." you would've swoon over his concern if it weren't for the mischievous glint in his eyes as if he was challenging you to agree with him.

"Hah," you let out a small scoff, picking up the dessert spoon, much to his amusement. "Minsan na nga lang manlibre si kuya Cheol tas ikaw lang makikinabang? Swerte mo naman, Jeon Wonwoo." you muttered, earning a chuckle from him, watching you eat your heart out.

"Oo, swerte talaga ako- wag mo sabihin kay kuya Han pero he was wrong. Isipin mo, akala ko di kita mahahanap pero guess what? Nakita agad kita tas nakalibre pa ako ng lunch from kuya Cheol- out of all people? Must be my luckiest day." he placed a hand on his heart as he bowed down at the food before him.

Chuckling, you were reminded of the question that was hanging on the tip of your tongue earlier. "Bakit mo pala ako hinahanap?" you asked absentmindedly, making him turn to you as you held his gaze. "Wala naman tayong scheduled lunch ah?

Second, you could only take a look for certain amount of time otherwise, your head will perceive it as information overload and it will leave your head hurting for days.

"Wala, gusto lang kita makasama." he said, oh so casually as if the answer was as simple as that, the rush of feelings inside you making you falter in your movements as the colors bled in your line of vision, the familiar sensation of pushing you into the future overpowering your senses. “Tsaka we haven’t had our-”

You couldn’t hear him as his voice blended into the background of voices filling your ears, muffled voices overlapping each conversation that even if you strained your ears to focus onto anything, you couldn't make sense of what was being spoken as the rush of air passing you by so quickly that you couldn't even sense if you're staying still or not.

And as for your sight? Everything seemed so blurry that you couldn't see anything at all.

The only thing that made sense was the cool sensation brushing upon your arms every once in a while, trailing down until you could feel it settle onto your hands, giving you that sense of relief. And if you concentrated hard enough, it almost felt like it was grounding you back, anchoring you once more into reality.

Remember when you had to set a limit kung hanggang kailan ka lang tititig sa isang tao? This, is exactly why- to be able to protect you from the onslaught of sensations. Pero minsan kasi may pagkamatigas din ang ulo mo no?

Cold hands engulfed your hands making you jump in surprise, breaking you out of the barrier that separated reality from the future. And despite being cold, you couldn’t help but feel the warmth behind the gesture, his thumb rubbing against the back of your hands, patiently waiting for you.

Blinking rapidly, your gaze found Wonwoo’s concerned look wash over your features, sighing in relief once he knew you were back.

“You okay in there?” his tone had became quieter and lowered than usual, his eyes searching for any hint of discomfort in yours. “I lost you there for a moment.” He may be joking but the tremble of his hands upon yours said otherwise. “What goes on that pretty head of yours at di mo pinapansin yung pagr-rant ko sayo? Minsan na nga lang ako magrant, di mo pa ako papansinin.”

Squeezing his hands, you let out a small laugh before sweeping your gaze from his eyes towards the bridge of his nose- your safety net whenever you’ve had your fill of staring into people’s eyes but still not wanting to be rude. Oh, to hell with it. Si Wonwoo lang naman ‘to, di ba? Eyes darting from his nose to his cheeks- and maybe even his lips- before you settled your gaze on his forehead, you raised your free hand, pausing on mid-air.

Sensing your hesitation, he bent down once he realized your intent, silently prodding you to continue as your hands seemed to have a mind of its own, running through his hair, wordlessly responding to the meaning behind his words.

Thank you for your concern, I’m here now. I’m okay.

“…just some boring stuff, Wons.” Still, you answered, offering him a bite of the dessert you were enjoying earlier. “Ano nga uli yung sinasabi mo?”

Third, the future you could see doesn't have a fixed timeline. Just because you've been staring at a person for three minutes straight, doesn’t mean you’ll see what will happen in the next three years or so.

“Okay so meron lang akong di ma-gets sa family manifesto niyo,” Seungkwan suddenly announced as he made a beeline towards the seat next to yours, ignoring the glares thrown his way from being too loud in the private room of the library.

Plopping into the seat next to you, his eyes bore into yours for a moment making you reel back from his sudden actions. “What?”

“Paano mo nalalaman na hindi instant yung future na nakita niyo? Like, how certain are you na mangyayari talaga sya? May pa-feedback ba kayo sa mga customers niyo?”

Furrowing your eyebrows, you turned to Vernon, sharing the same confused look before the latter decided he’d rather not get involved, shrugging at you before going back to his notes, leaving you to deal with this Seungkwan.

Gee, what a great friend you are, Chwe.

Flicking his forehead slightly, feeling small satisfaction from his small cry of protest, you push him gently, deciding to indulge him for a bit.

“One, wala kaming customers, uy. Bakit namin to pagkakakitaan in the first place? Eh sakit nga ng ulo yung inaabot namin dito plus- ang hassle kaya?” You mused, tapping on the table rhythmically. “Also, sa tagal nating magkaibigan- hell, sa tagal ko ba namang pag rant ng family manifesto namin, ngayon mo lang yan na-realize?” You pointed out, his mouth curling into a sheepish grin while you rolled your eyes at him. “Nakikinig ka ba talaga o sadyang tumatango ka lang para matapos na ako?”

He brightened, “Kasi ba naman bhie, kahit naman tumango tango kami hanggang sa maputol ulo namin di ka pa rin umaawat,” he rolled his eyes. At your periphery, you could see Vernon nodding along at him, silently agreeing. “So saan kami lulugar di ba?”

“Tama,” Vernon muttered, making you throw a crumpled piece of paper towards his direction to which he had dodged easily, sticking his tongue out at you. Really, Vernon. Isa kang tunay na kaibigan.

“Eh di sige, fault ko talaga to guys. Ako lang naman ang nagpupumilit na magrant sa inyo. Sorry di ako nagpaalam sa inyo bago ako mag rant. Sino ba naman kasi ako sa buhay niyo no?” You harrumphed, making Vernon snicker at your dramatics while Seungkwan looked at you fondly, shaking his head. “Sana di niyo na lang tiniis no? Ako lang naman ang nasaktan dito, opo.”

“Gagi,” Vernon guffawed, looking up at you as he earned annoyed groans from the background. “Ang drama mo today, ah? Di ka nakainom ng maintenance?”

Rolling your eyes, you stuck your tongue out at him to which he responded by giving you a finger heart.

“So paano nga?” Your lavender haired friend insisted, drawing you both back to the topic at hand. “Eto na lang, was there an instance ba in your life na na-delay yung predictions mo?”

“Ano to, job interview, Kwannie? Ano ina-apply-an ko at magkano ang sweldo dito?”

“Uhm,” Vernon raised his hand. “Di ba perfect example yung kay kuya Wons?” He asked, making you falter momentarily before schooling your features back to neutral as you snap your fingers and point at him to reiterate, ignoring the way your stomach dropped.

So eto na naman tayo, no? Bakit ba pag yun ang na-topic nagiging ganto ka? Bakit ba ang lakas ng effect sa’yo at bakit ka masyadong affected every time nab-bring up yan? Ano ka ba? Ano ka nga ba?

Di ba sabi mo best friend ka lang?

Right. Apparently, Seungkwan felt the same way, raising his eyebrows at your reaction. Before he could even open his mouth- probably to call you out, a deep voice had beaten him to it.

“Ano sakin?”

“Ay kabayong palaka,” he jumped at his seat, diffusing the tension momentarily as you watched Wonwoo take the vacant seat next to Vernon- just across from you, smiling at you in greeting before nodding to your companions, blinking at an affronted Seungkwan who was clutching his chest. “Kuya pwede ba magpasintabi ka naman bago ka magsalita? Para ka kasing ninja.”

Seriously. Some people should be fined at how good they look even when they're not doing anything. Bakit ba mas lalong nakakagwapo mga ngiti mo, uy?

"Kuya Wons, wag mo kong daan daanin sa mga ngiti mong ganyan, di na yan nagw-work sakin. Hindi por que gwapo ka may karapatan ka nang manggulat. Mag sorry ka sakin, dali."

Bless you Seungkwan, for calling him out. Hindi katulad ng isa dyan, ikaw talaga ang tunay na kaibigan.

Letting out a sheepish smile, Wonwoo bowed his head solemnly towards the boy beside you. "Sorry na, bebe Seungkwan, di ko po sinasadya. Next time dala na lang ako warning bell para alam mo andito ako."

"Wag mo rin akong daanin sa bebe, baka sa kanya nagw-work yan pero sakin hindi. I need suhol." Seungkwan scoffed light-heartedly as he pointed at you, making Vernon snicker at his boldness.

Before you could even stop yourself, you felt your hands clutching Seungkwan's arm in a- what you hope- death grip as you stared at your notes. Never mind. Isa kang alagad ni Satanas, Boo Seungkwan. Tandaan mo tong araw na ito. The boy in question jerked on his seat, leaning towards you as he buried his face on your neck to prevent himself from crying out in the library and risk being thrown out.

"Shuta ka, bhie," he rasped out underneath his breath, making you curl your lip in a satisfied smirk.

"Sige may utang ako sa'yo Kwannie pero first, pwede palit tayo seats?" your best friend's deep voice broke you both out of your bubble as you both looked up only to be met with an unreadable expression on Wonwoo's face.

Huh?

"Ha?" Seungkwan was the first to recover, eyebrows furrowing at the sudden request, his eyebrows furrowing as you can feel his body faltering in his seat.

"Nagf-flare up kasi yung notes ko underneath the lighting so di ko rin mabasa plus masakit din kasi sa ulo." Wonwoo coolly explained before rounding towards the space between you and Seungkwan, pushing the boy upright before taking his seat. If you didn't know any better you'd say that it looked as if Wonwoo had exerted more force than necessary when he pushed the boy out of his seat.

You then turned to Vernon, who was simply looking on at the exchange with the same interest in his eyes. Did the two of you just witnessed that?

Looking up, he then smiled gratefully to your lavender haired friend as if he hadn't rudely took his seat. "Sorry sa abala and thank you Kwannie, libre kita milktea mamaya."

And just like that, it seemed all protests dancing on the tip of his tongue had vanished from the mention of free drink. Well.

"So ano yung sakin?" Wonwoo asked again, turning to you as Seungkwan took the seat he was previously sitting on. "Been talking about me behind my back?"

Your two companions shared a look before looking at you, who simply turned to meet Wonwoo's gaze- the familiar sense of haze occupying your periphery before looking at the bridge of his nose.

“You’ll meet your lover soon, Jeon Wonwoo.” you blurted out, better ripping out the bandaid, right? Your statement earned a squeak of surprise from Vernon while Seungkwan's eyes widened at the sudden burst of courage from you. "Kita ko sa mata mo." you added, searching for any reaction coming from your best friend.

"Shuta ka bhie." you heard Seungkwan mutter underneath his breath as he watched the exchange intently while all of your attention simply focused on the boy beside you.

What are you looking for anyway? Elatedness? Pure joy? Relief? Bakit parang gustong gusto mo talagang sinasaktan sarili mo?

“I see,” your friend solemnly nodded as he looked at his notes before yours. "Have you finished your essay last night? Nag all-nighter ka na naman ba? Di ba sabi ko sa'yo tumawag ka sakin para ma-proofread ko?"

What.

Out of all reactions-

“Wait wait." Apparently, Seungkwan felt the same because he was reaching over the table, waving in front of Wonwoo's face- does this boy even know the meaning of personal space? "Wait lang talaga kuya. Di mo ba siya narinig? Sabi niya you’re gonna meet yung uhm how to say this without sounding too cheesy?” he asked, turning to Vernon helplessly.

“In short magkakajowa ka na kuya,” he spoke up, hands pausing at his notes, coaxing a reaction from your best friend.

He looked at you, tilting his head as if he's studying you. What exactly is he looking for? “Okay,” he said, slowly as if he's trying to appease the two before he shook his head, tapping onto their notes, silently telling them to go back to reviewing, much to their dismay- Seungkwan going as far as rolling his eyes before pouting in his seat, leaving you dumbfounded.

How should you take this kind of reaction from him?

Fidgeting in his seat, for a moment there he looked as if he's wistful over something- as if he was contemplating on something. Shaking his head, it looked as if he had decided because then added, "Mukhang matagal tagal pa bago mangyari yan."

“Kuya, may instance ba na you wished you never had this ability in the first place?” You wondered, kicking your feet high in the air as you watched Joshua’s hands fly over the canvas, stroke after stroke with such interest, despite hanging yourself upside down on his loveseat. “Yung ano, makita yung future ng iba every time na magkakatitigan kayo ng ibang tao, ganun?”

Your cousin let out a small hum as he turned to look at you, acknowledging your words, "Meron pa ba tayong ibang ability aside from knowing the future?" he asked, mirth dancing in his eyes before turning back to his project. "Why'd you ask ba?" he asked over his shoulder as you basked in the lull washing over.

It was one of those days where you just want to hide away from the world and whenever you felt like escaping, you knew you'd find solace in your cousin and in his humble private studio located outside of your university, away from prying eyes and meddling people.

It was always like that with your cousins, you mused. Even when they always band together to annoy you sometimes, they would still drop everything in an instant whenever you needed help. And that goes also with whenever you needed a reprieve. Their personal safe haven is always open to you.

It’s funny how fitting their personal spaces to their personalities.

Often times, when you feel like you needed to scream out to the void and let your emotions out no matter how raging it is, Seungcheol’s doors are wide open for you.

Whenever you needed to stare out into the open without the need to interact with any individuals, you always find yourself running into Jeonghan’s side.

And when you don’t want to be alone in unraveling all these tangled thoughts and emotions, Joshua would be there, patiently waiting as you wade out in too deep waters, helping you up should you reach for his hand.

“Have you,” you ignored his question, averting your gaze when you saw him pause in his movements, knowing definitely something was up with you. “Ever wished that you could be selfish just for once that you'd want to see what your future holds instead?”

You were never one to express your emotions really well, preferring to bottle everything up and locking it in before anyone could even see through you. That’s why your cousins had to familiarize themselves with your tells.

And so for you to ask directly had truly surprised your cousin.

You know very well he's studying you, trying to get past the defenses you had unknowingly put up the moment you asked the question, the both of you knowing very well the reason why.

“You know, in the years you’ve complained about our family’s... curse, this is the first time I’m hearing you asking to be selfish,” he commented, placing his brush gingerly back into the cup, palette joining thereafter as he rubbed his hands on a washcloth before nudging you as he joined you on his loveseat. “What goes?” His voice gently prodding you to open your heart just like how it’s always been whenever it’s just the two of you.

“Wala naman,” your voice shuddering, hands trembling as he placed his hands over them in small offer of assurance. “Dapat wala naman kasi. Kaso I can’t help but feel like this is not fair. I didn't ask for much- hell, I didn't ask to be like this, and I didn't ask for something more than what was given but why does it feel like the moment I wished- asked for something-- someone, why does it feel like the entire universe is against it?”

“I told Nonie na magiging masaya ako for Wons the moment he found his someone,” you continued, squeezing his hands as your lips curled into a bittersweet smile. “And wala naman problema, actually. Kasi I really would be happy if I know na yung someone na yun makakapagpasaya sa kanya kaso these days, it seemed as if all these pent up emotions are threatening to burst out. It’s as if parang gusto kong maranasan kung paano ibigay ‘tong pagmamahal kong ‘to sa kanya, you know?”

“And as I continue to wonder and dwell with all of these, I can’t help but ask- meron din ba akong future?” you paused as you looked your cousin in the eyes, his warm brown eyes greeting you with the same comfort his presence brought. “Meron din ba akong space sa future niya?”

Heaving out a deep breath, he pulled you back into upright position, before shifting your weight making you lean towards him, his arm automatically finding its way around your shoulder as you tilted your head onto the junction of his neck.

“Fourth,” he breathed out, reciting the same words you’ve memorized all these years. “Just because you saw doesn't mean it's established.” His voice quiet and somber, slowly rolling the words out as if he’s asking you to remember why the rules were there in the first place.

“Humans are fickle beings especially when it comes to emotions. Just because you tried to close yours doesn’t mean immune ka na dun. You love him for quite some time now and maybe it’s your inner self’s way of saying na it’s time to give these emotions to the person cause you’ve endured it for quite too long na.”

“I find it hard to believe that after all these years between you two, Jeon would just carelessly cast you aside because he found his someone.” He mused, his hand hovering over your head, gently patting. “So to answer your question, yes. May space ka sa future niya. I don’t need my own fancy ability para i-confirm yan. And while I never had the need to know my own future, minsan nakakatakot yung hindi mo alam kung meron ka ngang patutunguhan sa life.”

“So what you do,” he pulled away for a moment, poking your forehead then your cheeks before bopping your nose, reflexively scrunching at his touch. “Is to forge your own.”

Silence engulfed you both with him studying your features. Once he was satisfied with your expression, he reached over the loveseat for the box that you hadn’t paid attention to when you crossed his studio that was resting on the table. “If it helps- and I think it really will, someone left this for you,” Joshua announced as he placed the box of pastries on your lap. “It doesn’t really take a genius to know who this came from.”

Your eyes widened as you saw the post it note on top of the box bearing that familiar handwriting as you open to see your favorites greeting your sight.

‘A little pick me up for a gloomy day. Don’t finish these all in one sitting para di rin sumabay yung tiyan mo sa pagiging upset natin today.’

His handwriting is atrocious. Kulang ng dalawang pastries yung nasa box. But it still elicited a small smile from you- the sweetest after weeks of keeping up pretenses. It really did help, you mused.

“Ay,” Joshua called over, catching your attention once more as if he had just remembered something. “Kung kulang yan, singilin mo si Han.”

“Hinay hinay baka mabilaukan ka dyan, Jeon Wonwoo,” you watched him fondly as his cheeks puff out from stuffing his mouth with the food you two had ordered.

“Ah, nga pala.” he said slowly as he swallowed the last bit of his food, while you automatically reached over to wipe his mouth before he turned towards you, catching your hand with his while his eyes displayed nothing but seriousness. “Why do you call me like that?”

Is it because your emotions are going haywire these days? Or is it because of the looming pressure of what you’re about to do had you thinking that something in the air had possibly shifted.

What it was, you don’t know. But you just knew from the way Wonwoo imposed his question, something inevitable will happen.

Is this perhaps the end of the ticking bomb that had started the moment you saw Wonwoo’s future? Or is this perhaps the rush of the falling sand of a half empty hourglass?

Should you acknowledge it? The change that had happened without him knowing anything?

“Call you like what, Jeon Wonwoo?” You feigned innocence, tugging your hand free only for him to slightly tighten his grip, catching your attention.

“Exactly like that,” his voice drowning from the bustling sound from your background, the warm sunny disposition of the school quadrangle in contrast of the air shifting between you two. “Jeon Wonwoo,” he repeated, face contorting into repulsion as if he had tasted the most bitter food he had ever eaten.

“Grabe naman, bakit ganyan hitsura mo?” You laughed, trying to change the course of your conversation as he threw you a pointed look. Why do you keep running away from him? You both knew that's what's going on with his mind right now. So decide. Do you continue to run or do you stop and face it?

“Di mo ba gusto pangalan mo? Gwapo kaya pakinggan, tsaka what else will I call you but your name?”

“Sa tagal nating magkaibigan,” he started as he leaned back on the trunk of the tree. “The only times you called me by my full name was when you needed to point out something, when we're arguing, and when you've had enough. Tell me, have you reached your limit now? Have you gotten tired already?”

“Never,”

“Then why does it feel like you're putting too much of a distance between us? Why does it feel like you're trying to put me in such a pedestal that you couldn't reach?”

Minsan, it still surprise you how well Wonwoo knew you. From your thoughts to your emotions, he could easily tell the difference. Sometimes, it makes you wonder if he knew just how deep your affection for him ran- if he even knew of the existence of it in the first place or baka kasi sadyang ito lang ang kaya mong itago sa kanya sa takot na mawala siya from you.

“Because I want to protect myself,” you found your voice trembling as his breathing hitched, not really expecting you to finally stop running. “Kasi hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko once that vision of you comes true.”

Eyebrows furrowing, his eyes looked pensive as he patiently waited for you to finish. “Didn't I tell you? You're gonna meet that someone who will make you truly happy. In the words of Nonie, magkakajowa ka na and I know matagal mo siyang hinintay kaya imagine the elation you must've felt nung nakilala mo na siya in my vision. And I'm happy- truly, kasi it means that you're happy. Kaya lang din ako naging distant these days was because I had to deal with my own emotions. These same emotions that I have harbored for a long time for you.”

“Kumbaga, I just had to come in terms of the fact na I can't be the one to give you that amount of happiness,” you whispered, swallowing the sob that was threatening to come out. Your heart beating erratically against your chest and in the silence that crept between you two, you're almost too sure that he can hear it too.

Up until now, your cousin's advise is still hanging above you, making you wonder if it's alright to take his word for it and take the leap. But as you look at Wonwoo's dumbfounded expression, you finally had the answer you were looking for.

“Nevertheless, I'm still going to try.” with this small burst of courage, you dare continue. “I love you, Jeon Wonwoo. Always have been ever since you had approached me first in that small playground. And even if it won't be me who will be there by your side, can I still love you?”

And as your words left your lips, so had the courage that had possessed you momentarily in the heat of the moment. Eyes widening, you blinked as you scrambled to your feet, your picnic laid forgotten as you try and put distance between you and him.

But with the sound of pitter patter of his feet, you knew very well that it would only be a matter of time before he caught up to you. Kung hindi lang seryoso yung situation niyo, malamang napagtawanan mo na siya kung paano na naman siya tumakbo. However, with him catching up to you easily, holding your hand as he turned you towards him, teasing him was the last thing in your mind.

“Look at me,” Wonwoo's voice had dipped lower than his normal baritone, chest heaving from small exertion. “Did you mean what you had just said?”

“You know very well I don't say things that I don't mean,” you mumbled instead, head bowing low. Sorry, Woo pero expired na yung tapang ko kanina, you wanted to say but chose not to as you tried to wiggle yourself out of his grasp much to no avail.

“Look at me,” you could hear the desperation, the pleading that you couldn't help but raise your head as your eyes flitted immediately towards the bridge of his nose. Your safety net, as always. “Come on, look at me. What do you see?”

Fifth, the more attached you are to the person, the harder it is to see their future.

“Wonwoo,” you warned, shaking your head as he let out a small sigh as he pushed his forehead towards you, nudging you gently.

“No?” his voice close to crying- wait, what? “Dali na, please? Look at me and tell me, what do you see?”

Gathering the last of your strength, you gently moved your head, not wanting to pull away from his hold as you stared into his eyes, the familiar warm sensation lulling you into gentle assurance just as it always had been.

“What do you see?”

“Wait lang, ang foggy pa ka-”

“Way past that, love.” his voice firm and impatient. You didn't know what shocked you more- the fact that he's being impatient or the fact that- did he just called you..? “I know you can ignore the fog- dali na, what do you see?”

And just as what he had said, you ignored the fog that was creeping through your sight as you concentrated on what he had wanted to show you.

“...me.”

Letting out a small laugh of relief, his hands made its way towards your cheeks, finally allowing himself to caress you, shaking your head gently before tilting your face to capture your lips with his own.

And just like that, you could feel the cool sensation wrapping you once more- the same sensation that had anchored you before, the rush of air passing by you as the sight of series of his future flashed behind your closed eyes.

His laughter, and his frustrations, the longing, and the dejection, all of it comes down to one reason- you.

As the need for air arise, both of you reluctantly pulled back but not him going for another peck on your lips and on your forehead.

“Just like it's always been, my love.” Wonwoo whispered against your forehead. “Ikaw lang ang nakikita ko sa tabi ko for the rest of my life and I don't need to have your ability to confirm that. It's you and will always be you.”

Ignoring the rush of emotions blooming against your chest, you wrapped your arms around him. “Sorry it took me this long,”

You can imagine him smiling as he placed his head over your own. “Doesn't matter. You're here now, right?”

At loss for words, you simply nodded, letting yourself snuggle against his chest, not caring kahit magmukha pa kayong tanga sa gitna ng quad.

“I love you too,” he mumbled, catching your attention once more. “Please keep staying by my side, okay?”

“Okay,” you answered just as you felt his cool hands tightened around your waist, pulling you closer to him.

You may not know what lies in your future but somehow you had inkling that it would all turn out well.

You forge your own future, after all.

[voasprofile]

huli na ng aking ika'y minahal/loving you too late

fem!yuu

maybe ooc vil

slight azul x yuu

filipino and english version

FILIPINO VERSION

ang pagmamahal ng tao sayo ay 'di dapat inaabuso, dahil ang pagmahal ay parang tayo din. Pag unti-unti nating pinamimigay nang walang kapalit, ay mauubos din ito

si Vil ay hindi ordinaryong lalake, sa dinami daming nagkagusto sa kanya, ang mata niya ay di maalis kay Yuu

babeng di makukumpara sa iba, mala perlas ang kutis, gandang tulad ng bagong bukang rosas, ngiting nagbibigay liwanag kahit sa pinakamadilim na gabi

si Yuu ay nasanay na sa mga manliligaw na may gusto sa kanya, buwan-buwan may bagong darating.

"sa mata ko ay ikaw lang ang babae sa mundo"

"hindi kita kayang lokohin. At nang tumingin ka lang sa aking direksyon, ay parang biniyayaan na ako ng diyos"

"hindi ako tulad ng ibang lalaki, na gagamitin at paglalaruan ka lang"

sa daming beses na niya ito narinig ay parang naririndi na siya. Kaya nagulat siya na meron pading malakas na loob na magpakita at lokohin siya

si Vil na ilang buwan na pinag-iisipan ang desisyon at pag-ipon ng kumpiyansa, ay nasira ang loob

nasanay na din si Vil na siya ang hinahabol ng mga babae, kaya bakit? Bakit ang unang beses na totoong nagka-gusto siya, ay hindi siya gusto neto?

si Yuu alam na ang mga sasabihin neto

"mahal na ata kita"

"gusto kong pasayahin ka"

"hindi kita lolokohin"

sa galit ni Yuu, agad-agad niya itong tinanggihan. Gaano ka laki ang kaakuhan? Gaano siya kahangin? 

sa tingin ba niya na pag-narinig ito ni Yuu na agad-agad siyang magkaka gusto dito?

hindi, hindi niya tinanggap ang malalim na damdamin ni Vil

pero hindi nagpa-pigil si Vil

mga liham, regalo, rosas lahat nang mai-isip na pwede i regalo ay niregalo na niya

pero si Yuu ay nagka-gusto sa iba, lalaking nakatutok lang sa kanyang pag-aaral, lalaking walang oras na maibigay sa kanya, lalaking nakatutok sa kanyang pangarap, lalaking nag-ngangalang Azul

araw gabi nasa isip ni Yuu eto

'gaano kaya ka lambot ang kanyang buhok'

'ang ganda ng kanyang tawa, parang anghel ang bumaba sa langit para sa aking mga mata'

nang nakita ni Vil na wala na siyang pagkakataon, ay lumayo na siya. Ayaw niya din abalahin si Yuu

si Yuu na hindi napansin ang pagka-wala ng presensya ni Vil sa kanyang buhay

ilang buwan lumipas at nawala na din ang kanyang nararamdaman, at parang may kulang sa buhay niya

ano ang kulang?

ang pagmamahal na dati niyang naramdaman, taos-pusong papuri na dating sinabi sa kanya, ang magandang pakiramdam na ibinigay sa kanya. Sino nga ba siya?

yung taong gusto siya kahit hindi maayos ang kanyang itsura, taong may oras para sa kanya para lang mapasaya siya, ang taong nag-mamahal sa kanya

ah, si Vil

pero sinaktan na ni Yuu noon siya, mapapatawad kaya ni Vil si Yuu?

ilang araw nag-ipon ng lakas loob si Yuu, para mag-hingi ng patawad, at ilabas ang kanyang nararamdaman

dahil sa saya at gustong makita agad si Vil, ay napa tingin ito sa social media ni Vil

ay, huli na ba si Yuu?

parang tinutuya siya ng mga larawan

si Vil may kasamang babae, masaya, naghahawak kamay

ay, kasalanan to ni Yuu eh

kung hindi lang siya pahuli huli

gabing-gabi na nag-scroll sa kanyang profile ay parang pang-araw-araw na ritwal para kay Yuu

hindi matanggap na sinayang niya ang pagkakataon niya kay Vil

mahal na mahal siya dati ni Vil tapos sinayang lang niya

kung maaga kaya nalaman ni Yuu ang kanyang totoong nararamdaman, meron kayang pagkakataon na maging sila?

ENGLISH VERSION

people's love should not be abused, because love is like us. If we gradually give away pieces without anything in return, we will be all used up

Vil was not an ordinary man, many girls like him pursue him even. But his eyes can't be taken off of Yuu

a girl incomparable to others, complexion like that of a pearl, beauty like a newly blossomed rose, smile that lights up even the darkest nights

Yuu is used to those who pursue her, every month a new one arrives

"in my eyes you are the only woman in the world"

"I won't fool you, as when you looked at my direction, it was as if God had blessed me"

"I'm not like other men, who will only use and play with you"

she had heard it so many times that it's seems like she's going deaf. So she was surprised that someone had the courage to show up and fool her

Vil who had been mulling over the decision for months and gathering confidence, was devastated

Vil had gotten used to being the one being chased, so why? Why did the first girl he truly liked not like him back?

Yuu already knows every line that came out of his mouth

"I think I love you"

"I want to make you happy"

"I will not fool you"

due to Yuu's anger, she rejected him. How big was his ego? How big was his head?

did he think that once Yuu hears this, she'll immediately fall in love?

no. She didn't accept Vil's feelings

but Vil didn't let it hold him back

love letters, gift, roses, everything that can be gifted was gifted

but Yuu fell in love with someone else. A man focused with his studies, a man who was focused with his dreams, a man who didn't have time for her, a man named Azul 

he was on Yuu's mind day and night

'how soft is his hair?'

'his laugh is enchanting, like an angel descended from heaven for my eyes'

when Vil saw that he had no chance, he walked away. He didn't want to bother Yuu

Yuu who didn't notice the absence of Vil's presence in his life 

a few months passed and her feelings disappeared, and it seemed like something was missing from her life

what was missing?

the love she used to receive, heartfelt praise she used too receive, the good feeling he gave her. Who gave it to her?

a person who likes her even if she doesn't look the best, a person who has time for her just to make her happy, the person who loves her

ah, it's Vil

but Yuu had hurt him before , can he ever forgive her?

Yuu mustered the courage, to ask for forgiveness, and show her feelings

because of her impatience to see Vil, she immediately went to his social media page

oh, was Yuu too late?

the pictures seems to be mocking her

vil, with a woman, happy, and holding hands

oh, it's Yuu's fault

always beating around the bush, if only she wasn't too late

late nights scrolling through his profile is a daily ritual for Yuu

Yuu couldn't accept that she wasted her chance with Vil

Vil used to love her so much, and she just wasted it

if Yuu knew earlier about her true feelings, would there be a chance for them to be together?

[shoodleynoodle]

04.21.24 ~

Angels walk!! Super pagod pero kebs na rin kasi super happy talaga umattend ng ganitong events, saka kasalanan ko rin naman kasi di ako natulog agad kagabi pagkauwi kahit alam kong maaga lakad ko kinabukasan. Ahahaha. Wala ako masyadong picture sa phone kasi pinahawak ako ng camera ng tatay ko tas di ko naman matransfer pa kasi tamad pa ako. Ahahahaha. Super daming performances, grabe, super aliw. Para talaga siyang concert (unlike nung happy walk na andaming interactive booths pero gets rin naman kasi magkaiba naman talaga ng case and preference and mga nasa spectrum vs mga may ds) tsaka andami rin nilang guest celebrities na advocate for autism. Gusto ko lang rin sabihin na ang ganda ni michelle dee at rhian ramos. Ahahaha. Super dami rin attendees kasi napuno yung moa arena. Di ko inexpect yung ganung karaming tao kasi first time ko so akala ko yung tulad lang nung sa happy walk na smx ras super puno. Pero ayun, super enjoy talaga saka ansaya talaga sumalubong ng mga nagpaparada!!!

Saka share ko na rin na lalo akong nagkadrive na magpursue ng devped (kahit gano siya katagal at kahirap trabahuhin grr) upon knowing kanina na 96 lang ang practicing and certified devpeds sa pinas. Last time i checked (2019 ata), 51 lang sila tas puro sa luzon lang rin kaya super nakakamotivate talaga kasi nasa 1 million families yung merong household member na may asd. Eh imagine, asd pa lang yon, paano pa yung mga may adhd, ds, etc? Agawan na lang talaga. Kaya di ka na rin magtataka na andaming bata ang hindi nadidiagnose kaya hirap sa schooling and life in general eh. Wala lang, ang sad lang rin talaga kung iisipin.

Anyways, sobrang fun and eye/mind-opening experience talaga umattend ng ganitong events kaya vow ko sa sarili ko na yearly ako aattend na ng walks, with or without the parents. Ahahaha.

[chereserene]

I'm not jealous but when I try to think about it she got her favorite

Re: long post ahead don't read

This past weeks, alam ni mama na hindi na kami gaano nagkikita. Tulog na kasi ako pag dating niya at hindi na talaga ako sumasabay kumain. And it makes me sad na she knows pero wala siyang ginagawa to ask me kung kumusta ba ako.

Napapansin ko na sa kanya na everytime na nagkikwento ako, magkikwento siya about sa kapatid ko. Nakwento ko na before na mas gusto nila yung 2nd kasi she is more kind-hearted than me. Ako kasi yung tipo ng masungit sa bahay, kapag ayaw ko, hindi ako sumasagot. I don't usually smile or hindi talaga ako namamansin. Sabi ko nga I can make someone feel uncomfortable just by sitting beside u in silence. Ganon madalas yung treatment ko sa kanila. Not knowing na it is just common for me and di ko alam kung paano ko mababago yun but I'm not mad. Ganon lang ata talaga yung aura ko na I don't smile usually or sobrang cheerful.

One time, a week ata nagstart yung pasok namin nagkikwento na ako about some of my students pero minsan nasisingit bigla ni mama yung kapatid ko.

Yesterday, hindi niya ako tinatanong kung kumusta ako and she doesn't know that I'm not feeling well. Wala ngang may alam sa bahay na may sakit ako haha. Nung saturday, umaga na ako natulog and nung bumaba ako before siya umalis ng umaga. Di man lang niya ako tinanong kung kumusta ba ako, ang bungad niya sa akin kwento niya about sa kapatid ko.

One time naman, nagaayos siya and pinapakita niya sakin yung list of position sa barko na ginawa niya bago makasampa yung kapatid ko para siyang pathway kung ano yung next na gagawin. Samantalang, nung time ko ni hindi naman siya nagtanong or naging involved during my college years. Hindi nga niya alam kung anong susunod after ko grumaduate ng psychology.

Last time, first sweldo ko. I wanted to buy them something na kasya naman sa budget pero sinasabi niya sa akin na magpapabili na lang daw siya sa kapatid ko kapag nakauwi na siya.

Until now, di ko maramdaman na involved siya sa buhay ko habang lumalaki. Yes, binibigay niya lahat ng kailangan ko and she is a provider pero yung presence emotionally hindi ko maramdaman.

Alam ko naman na mahirap maging magulang pero sana kahit papaano maramdaman rin ng bawat anak niyo na nandyan kayo kapag napapagod na sila sa mundo.

It makes me sad na i know she doesn't have favorite but it feels like she already has.

Habang tumatagal at paulit ulit na nangyayari, nagsstart nang lumayo yung loob ko sa kanya. And nagsstart na rin na huwag na ako magkwento kasi she never ask me how I am.

Hindi ko alam kung kasalanan ko ba kung bakit ayaw nila sa akin o bilang anak sobrang deprive ko sa validation pagdating sa mga ganon bagay haha.

Ang weird lang na everytime na nagtatalk ako sa guidance about family kasi sila yung unang foundation mo sa life and sa kanila yung unang pagmamahal. Naiiyak na lang ako bigla kasi ganito yung nararamdaman ko and I need to divert it immediately or else iiyak ako habang nagsasalita.

Minsan hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ako uuwi.

[wanwaves]

Gusto ko ibigay — wonmina fic.

solana note: not proofread. might contain typographical and grammatical errors. written in tagalog. enjoy reading! :)

Madilim

Makipot

Mainit

Magulo

Apat na salitang nababagay upang ipaliwanag ang buhay ni William. Tulala lang si William habang nakatingin sa ngayong sira na kisame sa ibabaw ng munting apartment na inuupahan niya.

Hindi makatulog kakaisip kung ano ba dapat ang gagawin. Bibitaw o ipagpatuloy kung ano man ang namamagitan sa kanila ng kasintahan niyang si Maureen. Litong lito na siya. Hindi niya na alam kung ano ang tama. Kung ano ang dapat mas manaig. Ang ipagpatuloy o ang bumitaw?

Gusto niya kumapit, pero alam niya na kapag ipagpapatuloy niya ang kung ano man ang meron sila, silang dalawa lang rin ang mahihirapan.

Maririnig mula sa labas ng bintana niya ang ingay na galing sa mga dumadaan na tricycle at tao. Ipinikit ni William ang mga mata niya. Tahimik na pinapakinggan ang bawat ingay na galing sa magulo niyang mundo.

Mundong ayaw niya maranasan ng minamahal niya.

“Gusto ko ang ganitong simpleng buhay.”

Sabi ni Maureen habang nakahiga sa braso ni William. May magandang ngiti sa labi. Kumikislap rin ang mga mata nito habang nakatingin sa kisame na nilagyan nila kanina ng mga umiilaw na bituin.

Mapait na ngumiti si William sa tuwing naalala niya ang sinabi ng nobya tuwing bumibisita ito sa munting bahay na inuupahan niya.

Sa totoo lang hindi niya gets kung bakit nasabi iyon ng nobya niya. Hindi niya gets kung bakit gugustuhin nito maranasan ang simpleng buhay kung sa gayon okay naman ang buhay na meron siya. Hindi naman sa hinuhusgahan niya ang nobya niya, ang hindi niya lang talaga maintindihan ay kung bakit gusto nito maranasan ang paghihirap.

Kasi sa totoo lang kung si William ang tatanungin, gusto niya ibigay ang buhay na nararapat para kay Maureen. Buhay na malayo sa kung ano man ang meron kay William.

Nanliliit si William sa sarili lalo na noong napagtanto niya na sobrang layo nila sa isa't-isa. Para sa kanya nasa langit si Maureen, habang siya nasa lupa.

Sobrang layo at higit sa lahat hindi sila bagay.

Sino ba naman kasi ang mag-aakala na magkakagusto siya sa anak ng amo niya. Hindi niya naman ito pinagplanohan at higit sa lahat hindi niya rin inakala na matatamaan siya ni cupido.

Hindi naman problema ni William ang estados niya sa buhay noon. Hindi niya naman dinidibdib kung bakit ganito lang ang kaya niyang abutin sa buhay. Hindi niya naman hinahangad ang magarbong buhay. Gusto niya lang ang mapayapa at masaya na buhay.

Alam niya na hindi nila kasalanan kung bakit ganito lang ang kaya nilang maabot sa buhay. Ginawa naman nila ang lahat upang maiangat ang mga sarili nila sa kahirapan. Hindi nagkulang ang mga magulang niya sa pagbibigay sa mga bagay na gusto niya. Pinaaral pa nga siya sa magarbong eskwelahan kahit na sobrang wala na sila.

Para kay William hindi naman sila ang rason kung bakit mahirap lang sila kasi binigay naman nila ang lahat ng makakaya nila upang bumangon para sa kinabukasan nila. Pero kahit na anong bangon nila kung wala talagang supporta galing sa mas nakakataas, lulubog parin ang lahat.

Kuntento na siya sa kung ano man ang meron siya. Pero lahat ng ito gumuho noong harap-harapan siyang tinanong ng mga magulang nito noong umakyat siya ng ligaw.

“Ano kaya mong ibigay sa anak namin bukod sa bulaklak na halata namang pinitas mo lang sa tabi?”

Sa mga oras na yun hindi maiwasan ni William manliit sa sarili. Nahihiya siya. Hanggang ngayon naalala niya parin kung paano niya hawakan ng mahigpit ang bulaklak na binili niya sa kanto ng inuupahan niya gamit ang konting pera na natitira sa bulsa.

"Hindi pa ba sapat ang pagmamahal? Kung sa iyon lang ang kaya niyang ibigay sa ngayon?" Tanong ni William sa sarili.

Aminado siyang nabastos siya sa mga oras na yun. Kung hindi lang nagsalita si Maureen sa mga oras na yun siguradong umalis na si William sa bahay nila.

Hindi lang ito ang unang beses na nakatanggap siya ng mga masasakit na salita galing sa mga magulang ni Maureen. Sa tuwing dumadalo siya sa bahay ng nobya niya hindi nakakaligtas sa pandinig niya ang mga panlalait na lumalabas sa bibig ng mga magulang ni Maureen.

Actually, hindi niya naman ito pinapansin noon. Determinado naman siya na ipakita sa mga magulang ni Maureen na may ikakabuga siya. Na kaya niya naman panindigan si Maureen at kaya niya ibigay ang buhay na nararapat para kay Maureen.

Pero dumating ang araw kung saan nawawalan na siya ng pag-asa sa sarili. Sunod-sunod ang naging problema ni William. Hindi niya inakala na kukunin ng maaga ang Tatay niya. Ang tatay niya ang isa sa rason kung bakit patuloy parin siyang lumalaban sa buhay. Ang taong inspirasyon niya.

Nalunod sila ng pamilya niya sa utang. Nagkasakit pa ang nanay niya at bilang nag-iisang anak. Kailangan ni William tumayo bilang sandigan ng nanay niya. Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng yun napapabayaan na rin William ang sarili niya. Pati ang relasyon na meron siya.

Gaya ng pagkagusto niya kay Maureen, wala rin sa plano niya ang bumitaw.

Gaya ng sabi niya kanina hindi niya gusto bitawan ang taong mahal niya.

Masakit isipin na humantong siya sa ganito klaseng desisyon. Pero masisi mo ba William kung siya mismo, hindi niya na rin alam kung ano pa ba ang kaya niyang ibigay kay Maureen, kung gayon wala na nga rin siyang maiibigay para sa sarili niya?

Kahit na masakit kailangan niya bumitaw.

Nakapikit niyang kinapa sa gilid ng kama niya ang cellphone. Noong makahawakan niya na ito idinilat niya ang mata at bumungad sa kanya ang larawan ni Maureen sa lockscreen.

Hindi ko pa pala napalitan. Tanging sabi ni William sa sarili.

Tinitigan niya ang larawan ni Maureen. Nakapikit ang mga mata nito habang nakayakap sa teddy bear na nabunot ni William sa peryahan.

Malungkot na napangiti si William noong maalala niya kung paano pinapahalagahan ni Maureen ang teddy bear na yun. Pasensya na mahal kung hanggang yan lang kaya kung ibigay sa'yo.

Wala sa sarili niyang binuksan ang gallery. Tumambad sa kanya ang mga litrato at videos nila. Habang pinapanood ang lahat ng laman sa gallery hindi niya na namalayan umiiyak na siya. Tinakpan niya ang mukha gamit ang palad. Pinipigilan ang sarili sa paghikbi pero kahit anong pigil niya hindi parin nito napipigilan ang sakit na nararamdaman niya sa ngayon.

Bumalik ang tingin niya sa litrato ni Maureen na nakangiti. Napakalawak ng ngiti nito. Ito ang klaseng ngiti na gusto niya makita araw-araw. Ngiti na gusto niya makita tuwing umaga hanggang gabi. Napabuntong hininga siya at niyakap ang sarili.

“Pasensya na, hal. Pangako ko balang araw maibibigay ko sa'yo ang lahat ng gusto mo. Mapa simpleng buhay na puno ng pagmamahal at tiwala man gaya ng gusto mo.”

Doon lang napagtanto ni William ang lahat.

Ngayon niya lang naiintindihan kung bakit hinihiling ni Maureen ang simpleng buhay. Lumaki nga si Maureen sa luho pero hindi naman nito naramdaman ang pagmamahal at tiwala galing sa magulang.

Malungkot ito pero simula nang makilala niya si William naging masayahing tao na ito. A person full of love and too much love to give.

Maureen,

A perfect definition of someone who Williams wants to love and cherish habang buhay.

“Magiging madali rin ang lahat. Hintayin mo ako. Ibibigay ko sa'yo ang buhay na nararapat sa'yo. Kasi gusto kong ibigay ang buhay na gusto mo kaya sana hintayin mo ako.”

[nice2meetyouu]

'Di ako makatulog. Anong oras na. Hindi kasalanan ng milk tea or boba ito ('di ako nagpalpitate today), probably bodyclock na talaga ang may sira. Since marami naman akong nakikitang post about therapy sessions, magkukuwento na lang ako about my experience.

Parang ever since naman, I've felt na I needed help pero 'di ko alam bakit and 'di ko alam paano iexplain. So nu'ng college, merong volunteer mentors (not sure na kung ito 'yung tawag) and nag-sign up ako to be a mentee. After one sem, ayaw ko na. Parang wala naman akong napapala.

Then nakausap ko 'yung guidance counselor sa school. Nakalimutan ko na bakit. Pero naasar lang ako kasi kinontra niya lang lahat ng sinabi ko. I'm not grateful enough daw. Sa PUP nga raw, worse ang sitwasyon. LOL, never na akong bumalik.

In short, panget ang experience ko sa therapy therapy. Noong pumasok ako sa med school, merong "coaching"!!! And I hated na parang irereflect back lang nila sa 'yo 'yung mga sinasabi mo. Sabi ng younger self ko, edi sana kinausap ko na lang ang sarili ko.

Pero naging open pa rin naman ako. And I'm glad I did. Maraming klase ng coach and okay naman 'yung na-assign sa akin. Na-overcome ko rin 'yung shame, feeling ko ang stupid ng lahat ng sinasabi ko or mga problema ko pero shinare ko kay "coach" anyway. Hahaha. Surprisingly, kahit na may expectations na akong panget, hindi gano'n 'yung nangyari. Hindi rin naman parang parrot na nirereflect back lang sa akin 'yung mga sinabi ko. I actually felt heard and validated, and 'yung mga advice niya palaging outsider view, like something I never considered before, or something na pinangunahan ko na, e.g. "hindi ko kaya," pero mali nanaman ako.

I can say na naging helpful sa akin 'yung coaching sessions sa school. Maraming moments of vulnerability. Naisip ko rin at some point, okay lang kaya siya? Puro problema na lang sinasabi ko. Marami talaga akong napulot, like matutong maging grateful, tumanggap ng compliment (alam mo naman dito, Regina George vibes, pag sinabihan kang you're really pretty at nag-thank you ka, "so you think you're really pretty?"), mag-reflect nang tama, lumayo sa limiting beliefs, at iba pa.

Naalala ko noong shinare ko sa friend ko 'yung tungkol dun, na may ganitong eme kami, sabi niya, wow inaalagaan talaga kayo dyan ha. Hahaha. 'Yun lang. 'Di ko na kinukulit si coach kasi hindi na siya bayad ngayong wala na ako sa school, pero nangangamusta pa rin naman siya minsan.

tl;dr

May nagagawang mabuti ang coaching sa buhay, pero depende sa inyong dalawa. Parang relationship. Wala kang mapapala if hindi ka magsheshare or hindi mo iaapply 'yung mga bagay-bagay.

Not sure how different ang "therapy" sa "coaching". Hindi naman career coaching 'yung sa school ha, mas life coaching siya, I'd say. Pero marami rin akong naencounter na doctor na life coach and 'di ko pa rin sila bet. Swerte kasi happy ako sa nakuha kong coach sa school, down to earth, humble, patient, hindi nang-iinvalidate. I think, in the end, hindi na rin siya strictly naging coach lang, naging friends na rin kami.

Btw, more than half a century na siyang nasa earth.

[sunb0rn]

nagising ako kaninang 230 am. dami tumatakbo sa isip ko; iba ibang tao, issues.

bago makatulog ulit, naluha ako. ang nasa isip ko non is yung "friendship fallout" with Ics.

sobrang random kasi i was tbh thinking of B din bago yon.

nadiscover ko din ata na messenger glitch nga yung nakikita ko??

anywaaay,, idk. siguro kasi yesterday ka chat ko si Rochelle about bakasyon sa holy week. eh last month may semi sagutan kami sa gc (siguro sa kanya wala lang yon like biruan or baka nga lambing lang kaso trigger sa akin-)

trigger sa physical availability issues ko as a friend- walang may kasalanan sa friends, issue ko lang to kasi nga i cant be as available as i really really wanted to, especially since mangyare yung 2014.

nag sisimula palang ako ngayon. kahit gustuhin ko, hindi ko ma all out dahil dami kinocinsider.

nung time na yon nag flashback din sakin yung last convo namin ni Ics. di kami nagkasagutan pero yun na huli namin na kamustahan, ive been thinking na baka don nanggaling yung pag cut off nya sakin some weeks after. that i made her feel uncomfy from there- that maybe she thought na mag sshare ako ng *something* na wala siyang emotional capacity for.

naisip kung non kung ano yung most probably sasabihin ko sa kanya kung sakali.

...

[alvrieastuff]

Marcid Fontes

Alysse Cueves

Chapter one

"Hoy! Ano bang ginagawa mo diyan ha?!" Pasigaw akong tinatawag ng kaibigan kong si Eris.

"Umiinom at nakikipagusap, ano pa ba?!" Naiinis at pasigaw rin ang pag sagot ko sakaniya, alam naman kasi niya ang ginagawa ko, nakikita nya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan pa itanong ang obvious.

"Marcid umayos ka! Ikakasal ka na bukas! Ano! Ikakasal ka ng lasing?! May hangover?! Take Alysse seriously!"

"Ris, calm down. Let the man have the time of his life. He's getting married tomorrow to a girl he barely knows." Si Eros na sinuway si Eris, ang mag - kambal kong mga kaibigan.

Magkaibigan kami nila Eros at Eris simula pagkabata. Our families know eachother since our parent's companies are merged. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit hindi nalang kay Eris ako ikasal e, walang sagabal, gusto ko siya, magiging masaya kami, mas mapapatibay ang bonding ng mga kumpanya.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan at kung bakit kami ang napagtripan ng mga magulang namin e. Hindi rin naman ako nag-iisang anak.

"Hey." A soft voice invaded my ears and I immediately turn my head to the woman who talked just now. Hinayaan ko nalang na umusok sa inis si Eris. "Do you wanna dance with me?" Ngumiti siya ng malawak at para bang anghel at mabait ang pagkakasabi niya, pero makikita mo sa mga mata niya na may iba pa siyang ibig sabihin at balak.

Tumingin ako sa mga kaibigan ko, si Eros nakangiti habang tinataas baba ang mga kilay niya. Si Eris naman ay ang sama ng tingin sa babae, saakin at sa kambal niya.

"Sure." I returned the smile she gave me and while leaving I heard Eris said,

"Bahala kayo sa mga buhay niyo! Malalaki na kayo!"

That night is fun, unbelievable, enjoyable, and unforgettable. That woman was daring, hot, sexy and freaky. My type of girl kung hindi ko lang crush si Eris, pero marami din naman silang similarities ni Eris. Madaldal, hindi nauubusan ng kwento, mahilig sumayaw at syempre alak.

Hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang gabing yon. Alam kong mali at masama, pero hindi ko pinili si Alysse bilang fiancé ko. Simula palang alam na ng mga magulang ko dahil hindi ko naman itinago sakanila na hindi ko gusto si Alysse. For me, I did nothing wrong, I didn't do Alysse wrongly. Wala akong kasalanan sakaniya. For all I know ganito din ang ginawa niya bago kami ikasal.

Ngayong araw ang kasal namin ni Alysse. Naalala ko noong unang beses kaming magkita, mahinhin na babae si Alysse. Tahimik, mahilig mag basa ng libro, hilig niya rin ang linisin ang mga pinagkainan niya sa mga restaurant o fastfood. Naalala ko rin noong una kaming magkita, puno ng saya at galak ang mga mata niya, kabaliktaran ng akin. Magkaibang - magkaiba kami ng ugali.

Sanay ako sa maingay at gusto ko ng maingay, siya naman ayaw ng maingay at ayaw niya na may nagiingay. Magulo akong tao, siya naman organisado. I like going out, she likes staying in. I like big cities and concerts, bars and luxury. She likes countryside, beaches, nature and a simple life. Kung minsan nga tinatanong ko ang sarili ko kung tama bang dito siya pinanganak to sa Manila e, at kung totoo niya ba talagang mga magulang sila Auntie Clarrisse e.

While Uncle Anthony is walking Alysse down the aisle, I can't help but think about what will happen in our future. Are we going to be happy together? Am I gonna learn to accept our situation and love her unconditionally? Is she gonna carry my children? Are we going to be just fine? But all of my questions were shattered when I looked at Alysse' eyes.

Noong tumingin ako sa mga mata nya, alam kong malabo nang maging masaya kami.

Her eyes is full of resentment, hatred, anger. Her face is calm, but her eyes carries all the emotion she's feeling right now. And I can see through it.

It makes me wonder if may nalalaman ba siya. Hindi kaya nag - sumbong si Eris? Pero hindi pwede yon, siya pa nga tong nag - takip ng kagaguhan ko e. Hindi rin naman pwedeng si Eros dahil alam niyang pati siya mapapagalitan. Kung alam niya yung mga kabalastugan na ginawa ko kagabi, sino ang nag - sabi? May nakakita ba na kaibigan niya at sinabi ito sakanya? Pero wala naman siyang masyadong kaibigan.

Dahil sa pagkawala ko sa ulirat, hindi ko na namalayan na nandito na pala ang mag - ama sa harap ko.

"Alagaan mo ang anak ko iho." Ani ni Uncle,

"Opo." Sagot ko naman at kinuha na ang kamay ni Alysse sa tatay niya, malambot pala ang mga kamay ni Alysse 'no? Pagkaabot ko ng kamay ni Alysse ay pumunta na kami agad sa harap ng Pari.

Habang nagsasalita yung Pari, nakatingin lang ako kay Alysse. Maganda naman siya. Bilog na mapupungay ang mga mata, matangos na ilong, maliit na muka at napakagandang labi, mayroon din siyang mga nunal sa mukha. Isa sa ibaba ng labi at sa may kilay niya. Hindi mo ito mapapansin agad dahil hindi naman ito masyadong halata. Habang nakatitig ako sakanya ay siya naman tulala sa kung saan, halata na hindi siya nakikinig sa Pari katulad ko.

Ano kaya ang iniisip ni Alysse?

Tapos na ang kasal at ngayon naman ay nasa kama ako habang nagla - laptop, habang si Alysse naman ay naliligo.

Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay ang pagtigil ng gripo. She's done, sabi ko sa sarili ko. Lumabas siya ng kuwarto niya na nakadamit na, may hawak siyang tuwalya sa hinahaplos iyon sa buhok niya. Is this the new scenario I'll get used to every night? Alysse taking a bath before going to bed?

Naglakad siya papunta sa kama at umupo sa kabilang banda ng kama, "Mag - usap nga tayo Marcid." Bigla akong kinabahan sa sinabi ni Alysse, totoo kaya ang kutob ko na mayroon siyang nalalaman?

"What?" Sumagot ako na parang walang pakialam pero sa loob loob ko ay kinakabahan na ako sa possibleng sasabihin niya.

"Gusto lang sana kitang kausapin kung anong balak mo dito sa kasal natin?" Tanong ni Alysse, what? Anong plano ko? Bakit? Siya ba meron?

"Kasal tayo, tapos."

"Hindi iyon ang ibig kong sabihin."

"Edi ano?"

"I meant, I want to set boundaries and I want to make some rules." Boundaries and rules? Bakit? Para saan? Baka nga talaga mayroong nalalaman to.

"What do you mean?"

"Wala tayong pakialaman, you do you, I do me. Let's just act like we didn't get married, alam ko naman na napilitan ka lang din gaya ko." Ayon lang? Hindi niya babanggitin yung babae ko kagabi?

"I still don't get it. Do you have a boyfriend the reason why you're acting like this? Whoever he is, break up with him immediately. Saakin ka kasal, hindi sakanya."

"You don't get it." She scoffed at me. Nararamdaman ko na naiinis na siya saakin.

"Then explain to me why are you acting like this?"

"I don't like you. I have my eyes set to somebody." Pag - amin niya saakin. Wait what? Tama ba ang narinig ko?

There's this strange feeling I felt when she said that. I felt like someone pinched me in my heart, I felt like this moment is my biggest heartbreak.

"Me too."

"Well then it's great! Pumapayag ka na ba?"

Medyo nag - alinlangan akong sumagot. Tinititigan ko siya habang iniisip ang mga posibilidad na pwedeng mangyari sa papasukin namin deal. Tama ba to? It felt wrong but it isn't.

"Sino muna yang taong gusto mo?"

"Does it even matter?" Tanong niya sakin. Yes, yes it does matter. Hindi ko alam kung magiging ligtas ka ba kapag kasama mo siya.

"Yes. Anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa mga magulang mo at magulang ko kapag nalaman nila na ganito pala ang relationship natin? Are you going to save my face to them?" Medyo masungit kong tanong bago ko ulit tinignan ang laptop ko.

Sa totoo lang, may parte sa sarili ko na medyo naiinis at nalulungkot. Saakin siya kasal pero may gusto siyang iba? Pero wala akong karapatan magreklamo, dahil nauna akong magka - sala sakanya bago siya ang magka - sala saakin.

"Hindi naman nila malalaman kung hindi mo sasabihin." Sagot niya saakin.

"Oo nga, pero what if kung yung boyfriend mo yung magsumbong? Sabihin na ginagawa mo siyang kabit?"

"Andami mong satsat! Sabihin mo lang kung ayaw mo!" I was taken back by the sudden shout of Alysse. Ayaw ko ba talaga?

"No, no." Umiling ako, "What I mean is are you really sure about this? Are really letting me go out with other women and in exchange I'm gonna let you go out with other men? Do you know how pathetic that sounds?" Alysse was quiet for a bit, thingking things thoroughly.

"Huh? Alysse?" I called out once more.

"Yes." She said gritting her teeth, not backing down. "Yes, I am more than sure about this deal. And yes, I am aware how pathetic I look. But our parents are more pathetic than we are. They've made me like this."

Tinignan ko siya ng maayos, I'm observing her, her hands don't budge, it doesn't look like its sweating. Her eyes are brave.

Her eyes are so mesmerizing, how can I ever resist that?

"Okay. I agree to your proposal and idea Mrs. Fontes, I like it." Though it felt wrong and I feel like I just made myself to enter a tunnel that has no way out.

But the only reason I agreed to this is because it's beneficial for me too.

[kimhortons]

hirap talaga ako mag focus kapag stress na stress ako. so ayun kagabi after ko mag laro ng ML (after nga nung last blog post ko) dineactivate ko yung Facebook, Messenger at Instagram ko. medyo naasar din kasi ako, ang hirap mag solo rank, alternate yung panalo at talo, nakakapikon lang. pero mas naaasar ako na ayaw makipag laro ni Joemar ng rank, lagi na nga siyang inaantok tuwing mag uusap kami sa gabi—e ako na quality time ang love language—naaasar na tinatamad pa siya makipag laro, yun na nga lang bonding namin. huehue. wala lang ang petty ko lang ngayon, ayun nag deactivate ako para kapag nagising siya at nag goodmorning makikita niya. pero sa viber siya nag message, sana pala pati yun dineactivate ko. haha. after ko mag laro, around 2:30 am na ako natapos. nag backread naman ako dito ng convo namin sa messaging ng Tumblr. kaya naka off rin yung Tumblr Ask ko, balak ko rin sana i-off yung sa messaging, kaso wala palang ganon pag mutuals kayo. haha. wala lang, after ko mag backread feeling ko lang ang daming nagbago compared sa dati. minsan feeling ko, uninterested na siya or wala ng gana. ewan bakit nafifeel ko 'to parang kulang na naman ako sa aruga. kahit busy lang naman siya sa work. eto naman yung gusto ko diba, ako naman nag push sakanya na magpaka busy. or masyado lang talaga ako maraming time ngayon para mag overthink ng kung ano ano. pag nagkawork na ko ulit, wala na siguro 'to. wala naman siya kasalanan, basta ayaw ko muna maghintay sa time niya, ayaw ko muna pansinin. pero for sure mag babasa yun dito. tanbay ulit ako ng Tumblr since walang FB sa Tiktok nalang ako manunuod ng mga kung ano anong vids pang libang. Tapos mag sosolo rank muna ako or kung gusto niyo sali niyo ko sa rank, pabuhat ako. hahahaha. lalang.

[0813file]

Isa Pang Araw

jaemin x oc ; tags: angst, mcd

“Sigurado ka ba diyan? Na-double check mo na ba ‘yan?”

Halos mapaigtad ako sa aking inuupuan nang biglang magsalita ang katabi ko. Umalis siya sa pagkakasandal at inilapit ng bahagya ang katawan sa lamesa na nasa harapan namin upang ituon ang kaniyang braso roon.

“Love,” awat ko bago pa siya makapag-simulang manggulo. Sa lalim ng kunot ng noo at talim ng tingin niya, sigurado akong maya-maya lamang ay kukwelyuhan na niya ang doktor na kaharap namin, kahit pa kaibigan niya itong doktor na ‘to.

Hinawakan ko ang braso niya at marahang pinisil ito nung hindi pa rin niya ako pinapansin. Agad naman siyang kumalma at sumandal muli sa kaniyang upuan.

Nagpakawala siya ng malalim na buntong-hininga.

“’Sensiya na, ‘tol. Nadala lang,” bawi niya matapos ang ilang segundo.

Tumango si Jeno bilang sagot at binigyan kami ng malungkot na ngiti. “Wala ‘yon. Naiintindihan kita. Kung ako ang nasa kalagayan mo, baka ganiyan din ang naging reaksyon ko.”

“Talaga bang hindi na magagawan ng paraan ‘yan? Ikaw ang pinakamagaling na cardiac surgeon sa ospital na ‘to, Jeno. Imposibleng wala kang lunas para sa kaniya.”

“Sana nga meron akong magagawa para kay Jieun. Maniwala ka sa’kin, gustong-gusto ko siyang tulungan...,” huminto sa pagsasalita si Jeno at bahagya akong tinignan bago niya ibinalik ang tingin sa kausap, “...pero wala talaga, e. Masyado ng delikado para sumailalim pa siya sa operasyon.”

Saglit akong napapikit nang makaramdam ng pagkirot sa dibdib. Medyo tumagal ‘yon at mas masakit kumpara noong mga nakaraang araw pero nagawa kong itago ang lahat nang ngumiti ako sa kaniya.

Hindi niya ako pwedeng makitang nasasaktan.

“Okay lang, Jeno. Alam ko naman ‘yon.”

Alam ko dahil parehas kami ng sakit ni Mama.

Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy o HCM. Madalas, ang mga taong may ganitong sakit ay hindi na-da-diagnose na meron nito. Tahimik kasi ‘to kung tumrabaho. Kakaunti ang sintomas at kadalasan hindi pa nagpaparamdam sa pasyente. Malalaman mo na lang na may HCM ka kapag malala na.

At ‘yon ang nararanasan ko ngayon.

“Nakausap ko na si Tito. May kaibigan daw siyang magaling na doktor at saktong kararating lang niya sa Manila galing New York. Magpa-pa-sched na ako ng check-up mo bukas,” imik niya na nakapagpabalik ng diwa ko sa kasalukuyan. Kanina pa kaming tahimik mula ng matapos ang check-up ko hanggang sa pagpunta namin sa parking lot ng ospital. Kasalukuyan na kaming nakaupo sa loob ng kotse at may tinitipa siya sa kaniyang cellphone. Akmang ilalapit na niya iyon sa kaniyang tainga nang hawakan ko ang braso niya para pigilan siya.

“Jaemin,” mahinang tawag ko sa kaniya. “Tama na, please. Tigilan na natin ‘to.”

Napakurap siya bago sumimangot. “Tigilan ang alin?”

“Ito, lahat ng ‘to. Tama na, Jaemin, please. Tanggapin na natin ‘to, okay? Tatlong doktor na ang napuntahan natin at lahat sila iisa ang sagot at hindi na ‘yan mababago pa ng kaibigan ng tito mo o ng kahit na sino pang doktor.”

Umiling si Jaemin. Nasa kalagitnaan pa nga lang ako ng pagsasalita ay umiiling na siya na para bang hindi niya tatanggapin kahit kailan ang katotohanan.

“Hindi, hindi ako titigil, Jieun. Hahanap ako ng doktor na makapagpapagaling sa’yo-“

“Jaemin,” pagmamakaawa ko at hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. “Matagal ko ng tanggap ‘to pero sa bawat doktor na pinupuntahan natin hindi ko pa rin maiwasan na umasa kahit konti na gagaling pa ako. At lahat ng ‘yon binigo lang ako at ganiyan din ang mangyayari sa mga susunod. Pagod na ‘ko. Pagod na pagod na ‘ko.”

Tinignan niya ‘ko at halos mapaluha ako ng makitang ang dating ningning at tuwa sa kaniyang mga mata ay napalitan na ng pagod at lungkot magmula ng malaman niya ang tungkol sa sakit ko.

Pakiramdam ko tuloy kasalanan ko lahat ng nangyayari, kahit na ‘di ko naman ginusto ito.

“Napapagod din naman ako, Jieun. Pero hindi ko pwedeng basta na lang tanggapin na mawawala ka sa’kin sa isang iglap. Hindi ko kakayanin ‘yon. Kung ikaw tanggap mo na, pwes ako kahit kailan hindi matatanggap ‘yon.”

“Wala na tayong choice kundi tanggapin ang lahat. Ano pa bang hindi mo maintindihan do’n, ha? Tsaka mo lang matatanggap kapag namatay na ‘ko? Gano’n ba?” Hindi ko sinasadya pero hindi ko na napigilan ang maging sarkastiko. Sa tuwing mapag-uusapan kasi namin itong sakit ko, lagi na lang kaming nauuwi sa ganitong away at sawang-sawa na ‘kong marinig ang mga linyahan niyang ‘yan.

Nag-iwas siya ng tingin at binitawan ang kamay ko. Isinandal niya ang kaniyang ulo at napapikit ng mariin, pagkatapos ay umimik sa mahinang boses pero sapat na para marinig ko at maramdaman kung gaano siya nasasaktan sa sitwasyon namin. “Pasensiya ka na ha. Hindi kasi ikaw ‘yung maiiwan. Madali para sa’yong sabihin ‘yan kasi ikaw naman ‘yung aalis, kasi ‘pag nawala ka na hindi mo na naman mararamdaman ‘yung sakit. Ako kasi, habang nabubuhay pa ako, palagi kong dadalhin ‘yung sakit na idudulot ng pagkawala mo. At hindi pa ako handa para do’n. Hindi pa ako handang mawala ka sa’kin.”

At dun ko napagtanto kung gaano nga pala kahirap nito para sa parte ni Jaemin. Simula ng mamatay si Mama, sinabihan niya na ako noon na malaki ang posibilidad na makuha ko ‘yung sakit niya. Matagal ko ng hinanda ang sarili ko na maikli lang ang buhay ko. Pero si Jaemin, hindi.

Wala naman kasi sa plano ko si Jaemin. Ang plano ko, live my life to the fullest and alone until my last breath. Ayaw kong may maiiwan ako kasi alam ko ang pakiramdam ng maiwan, but then he suddenly came in the picture. Pinigilan ko naman kasi alam ko na ang mangyayari sa huli pero mapilit siya.

And it’s not like it was hard to love him, because he is a selfless person who wears his heart on his sleeves. So I let myself love for the first and last time, as a gift to myself, and it was the best thing that happened to me.

Kaya hindi ko mapigilang sisihin ang sarili ko. I brought him into this mess. Kung pinigilan ko na lang sana ang sarili ko, edi sana baka masaya siya sa piling ng iba na hindi siya iiwan at kaya siyang samahan sa pagtanda.

He could’ve been with anyone, someone who’s not me.

“I’m sorry, Nana. I’m really sorry.”

Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo. Hanggang sa tuloy-tuloy na ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko. Muli kong kinuha ang kamay niya, hinagkan ito ng mahigpit at hinalikan habang paulit-ulit na humihingi ng tawad sa kaniya, na para bang iyon ang makakapagpawala ng sakit na nararamdaman niya.

“Shhh, huwag kang humingi ng tawad sa’kin. Wala ka namang kasalanan at walang may gusto sa lahat ng nangyayari,” marahan niyang sambit habang kinakalas ang kaniyang kamay mula sa pagkakahawak ko upang maipulupot ang kaniyang mga braso sa’kin para sa isang mahigpit na yakap. ‘Yung tipo ng yakap na parang wala na siyang balak bumitaw.

We stayed like that for a while – hinayaan ko siyang yakapin ako ng mahigpit habang dahan-dahang hinahaplos ng isa niyang kamay ang buhok ko. It’s after a few more minutes of silence when he finally spoke again.

“I guess, I really have no choice but to accept this, but you can’t expect me to accept everything in an instant. It’ll probably take some time...” he paused, as if he’s having a hard time in speaking the words out, “...but I think I can do that.”

Nagpakawala ako ng buntong-hininga habang hinihigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa kaniya.

“We’ll be okay, right?” tanong ko sa isang mahinang boses at hinanap sa kaniyang mga mata ang maliit na liwanag ng pag-asa.

“Of course, love. We’ll be okay.”

Nanatili kami sa ganoong posisyon, mahigpit na yakap ang isa’t isa na para bang wala ng makakapaghiwalay sa’min, kahit pa ang kamatayan. And for some reason, amidst everything that’s been happening, I believed that we will be alright.

 

Isa pang araw, please?

 

 

 

 

“Iniinom mo pa ba ang mga gamot mo?”

Tumango ako ng marahan sa kaniya at muling nagpakawala ng malalim na buntong-hininga. “Hindi mo na ba talaga pwedeng taasan ang dosage ko?”

“Sagad na ‘yan, Jieun,” wika ni Jeno. Nandito ako ngayon sa office niya habang hinihintay na matapos ni Jaemin ang kaniyang pag-iimpake. He’s clearing all his things out from his office after submitting his resignation letter yesterday. It’s gonna take some time, so I decided to pay Jeno a visit and also to talk about some things. “We cannot take the risk of overdosing you. Sobrang sakit na ba?”

“Oo,” mahinang sagot ko. “At dumadalas na rin. Nahihirapan na ‘kong magpanggap sa harapan ni Jaemin na hindi ako nasasaktan.”

“Hindi mo naman kailangang magpanggap sa kaniya, e. Alam kong ayaw mong makita niya na nahihirapan ka pero kung gusto mo talaga na matanggap niya ng buo itong sitwasyon na ‘to, kailangan mo ding magpakatotoo sa kaniya.” He gave me a disappointed look, but then there’s also pity swimming in his orbs. And I hate it. I hate how people look at me in the eye with pity after founding out my condition. That’s why I preferred living alone, but that was only possible until I met Jaemin.

“I don’t want him to overreact. Nag-resign na nga siya sa trabaho niya dahil sa’kin, e. Hangga’t maaari, gusto kong manatili sa normal ang lahat.”

“Hindi mo siya masisisi. Mahal ka nung tao, you can’t expect him to act like everything is still fine after knowing that the girl he decided to spend the rest of his life with is dying. This is his way of coping with the truth. Alam mo namang gagawin no’n ang lahat para sa’yo, so don’t act so surprised.”

Iniwas ko ang aking tingin mula kay Jeno at ipinako na lamang ito sa labas ng bintana. Maganda ang sikat ng araw ngayon pero mas maganda kung masisilayan ko pa rin ang tanawing ito kinabukasan at sa mga susunod pang araw kasama ang mahal ko.

“Pa’no na siya ‘pag nawala ako? Wala na siyang trabaho ngayon,” banggit ko ng wala sa sarili.

I think I heard Jeno snorted lightly. “Para namang hindi na siya tatanggapin pa ng ospital na ‘to, e, pamilya nga niya ang may-ari nito, diba?”

“I’m not worried about that, and you know it, Jeno.” Ibinalik ko ang aking tingin sa lalaking nasa harapan ko na siya ring matalik na kaibigan ni Jaemin, at hindi nakatakas sa’kin ang kalungkutan na namumutawi sa kaniyang mga mata. I held back the tears that are slowly forming in my eyes and cleared my throat. “Promise me, you’ll take care of him when I’m gone. That’s all I’m asking.”

“I will, Ji. We all will, I promise,” he said while giving me an encouraging smile.

“Thank you.”

Somehow, the smile that Jeno gave me almost brought me to tears. Kung hindi lamang dahil ng pagbukas ng pinto ng opisina ni Jeno ay baka tuluyan na akong napahagulhol dito ng wala sa oras.

“Jaemin,” bati ng kaharap ko at nilakhan ang kaniyang ngiti para itago ang malungkot na atmospera na dulot ng pag-uusap namin. “Naayos mo na ba lahat?”

“Oo. I also did my rounds for the last time pero kailangan ko pa ring bumalik sa mga susunod na araw para sa pagpapasa ng mga pasyente ko kay Dr. Lee.” Naupo si Jaemin sa tabi ko, inilapit sa’kin ang mukha para mahalikan ako sa sentido at pagkatapos ay bumulong. “You okay?”

I hummed and nodded then gave him a reassuring smile but the frown on his lips only deepened. “Pagod lang siguro. Can we go home?”

“Yes, of course,” he smiled at me before looking back at his best friend who was looking at us with a sad smile on his lips. “Una na kami, Jeno.”

“Sige, ingat kayo.”

Jaemin held my hand the whole time we were walking towards the parking lot but after a few minutes, he lightly gave my hand a squeeze, earning my attention.

“Tahimik ka ata. Something wrong?” malambing na tanong niya at agad akong umiling para sana mawala na ang pag-aalala niya pero mukhang lumala lang ata. “Tell me what’s on your mind, Jiji.”

I gave him an assuring smile, telling him that everything’s okay but he’s not having it because he suddenly made us stopped walking in the middle of the parking lot. “I just thought about your patients. The kids love you so much, Nana, and I’m sure you’ll also miss them as much as they’ll miss you. Nag-aalala lang ako na baka ‘di nila magustuhan ‘yung bago nilang doktor.”

Hindi ako nagsisinungaling dahil kanina ko pa ring iniisip ang mga pasyente niya na puro bata. But my statement was also not the truth, it’s not what I was currently thinking about. Hanggang ngayon binabagabag pa rin ako ng takot ko – hindi ng takot na mamatay kundi ang takot na maiiwan ko si Jaemin dito. But I also have to trust Jeno and his friends. Alam kong hindi nila pababayaan si Jaemin.

“The kids are gonna be in good hands. Kilala ko si Dr. Lee. Matagal ko na rin siyang kasa-kasama sa trabaho at napamahal na rin ang mga bata sa kaniya, so you don’t need to worry about them, okay?”

“But are you okay leaving them and your dream job?” Natigilan siya sa tanong ko.

He became a pediatric surgeon because of his dream and love for kids. Alam kong mahirap din para sa kaniya ang umalis sa trabahong minahal niya ng lubusan at pinaglaanan niya ng pagod at mahabang panahon para lang makamit ‘yon.

“No, but I will be,” sagot niya matapos ang ilang minuto na mas lalong ikinalungkot ko.

 “Do you really have to do-”

“Just let me do this, Jieun. Unti-unti ko ng tinatanggap ang lahat kaya ‘wag ka ng umasa na simula ngayon ay magiging normal pa rin ang lahat at ayokong sayangin ang natitirang mga sandali natin na hindi ka kasama. Alam kong hindi na sapat ‘yung natitira so I have to make the most out of it.”

His eyes blinked numerous times before his gaze steadied on mine. But even though he managed to stop that, I know that he’s about to cry. He wants to cry but he’s trying so hard to be the stronger one between us two, even if everything is starting to fall apart.

Hear him out, please. Pahinging isa pang araw.

 

Tinotohanan ni Jaemin ang sinabi niya sa’kin sa parking lot noong nakaraang linggo. He’s really keen on making the most out of the remaining days we have together.

Simula nung nalaman niya ang sakit ko two months ago, hindi na siya nagdalawang-isip na palipatin ako sa apartment niya. Pati ‘yung studio at recording room ko ay pinagpagawan pa niya ng sariling espasyo sa kaniyang lugar. On a normal day, I could get mad at him for overexaggerating and caging me inside his place. But what he did actually helped me. Mas madali na akong mapagod ngayon kaya pabor sa akin ang dito na lang magtrabaho sa loob ng apartment niya. Isa pa, araw-araw ko ng nakakasama si Jaemin, araw-araw na nakakatabi sa pagtulog at nagigising na siya pa rin ang kapiling. Nothing could make me feel happier than that.

Before, we only used to see each other during his day offs. Producer ako sa isang entertainment company habang si Jaemin ay doktor kaya natural lamang na maging busy kami parehas. Hindi ko tuluyang binitawan ang trabaho ko kahit hanggang ngayon. I still write some songs whenever I feel like it. Pero dahil full-time ng nandito si Jaemin sa apartment namin, nagagawa na namin ang mga bagay na di namin magawa noon.

We can now cook together, eat together, and have movie marathons with our legs tangled under the sheets. I can always feel his warmth whenever I feel cold or have him by my side immediately whenever I feel scared. And this time, I don’t have to feel alone while waiting for death to fetch me.

Siguro ang hindi lang namin magawa ay ang bisitahin ang mga lugar na nasa bucket list namin. Hindi na kasi ako pinayagan ni Jeno na bumiyahe ng malayo o kaya ay sumakay ng eroplano dahil baka raw hindi kayanin ng puso ko. So we stick with going to pretty places near our apartment – sa park, sa isang mini zoo, kahit ang playground pinatos na namin.

At ngayon, nandito kami sa kaniyang pribadong yate na regalo ng mga magulang niya nung nakatapos siya ng pagdodoktor. Tatlong beses pa lang akong nakasakay dito – una nung 1st anniversary namin, pangalawa ay noong birthday ko last year at ngayon ang pangatlo. And it’s not like he rides this often because of his busy career. But during these rare times I see him sail this yatch makes me fall for him even more.

Naalala ko nung unang beses akong nakasakay dito at nasaksihan kung paano niya maniubrahin ang malaking bagay na ‘to. I was admiring him so much – I think it was too much that I ended up drooling. Yes, that’s how hot he is as he manuevers this luxurious thing.

“Gwapong-gwapo ka na naman sa’kin, baka mamaya niyan mag-laway ka na naman.”

Bahagya akong napaigtad sa biglaan niyang pagsasalita at hinampas siya sa braso nang mapagtanto ang sinabi niya.

“Napakayabang mo talaga,” saad ko habang nangunguso dahil sa patuloy niyang pangungutya habang bahagyang natatawa.

Tinalikuran ko siya at lumabas papuntang deck upang tanawin ang malawak na karagatan at ang papalubog na araw. It looks so peaceful with the cold breeze hugging my skin perfectly.

But the cold feeling was suddenly replaced by the familiar warmth as I felt Jaemin wrapping his arms around me.

“I wish I could’ve taken you to more dates like this before. Masyado kasi akong naging abala sa career ko.” He let out a deep sigh as he placed his chin on my shoulder.

I leaned back, letting him support more than half of my weight and focused my gaze on the setting sun. “’s okay. Parehas naman tayong naging busy no’n at kahit pa anong gawin mong pagsisisi, hindi na naman natin maibabalik pa ang nakaraan. What’s important is the present and how we will live the future.”

“And I promise to be by your side on every single day of the future we have left together,” he replied with a soft kiss on my temple.

Pinanood namin ang napakagandang paglubog ng araw habang nanatili sa ganoong posisyon. Makatapos ang may kalahating oras, bumalik kami sa gitna ng deck kung saan naghihintay ang aming hapunan. It was a simple dinner that he prepared for the both of us with string lights lining above us, giving a cozy and romantic ambience.

Pagkatapos kumain ay nahiga kami sa inilatag niyang comforter sa lapag upang pagmasdan ang mga bituing nagpapaliwanag sa madilim na kalangitan. I’ve always loved stargazing. It gives me peace and serves as my healing time whenever I feel like the world is against me.

 “I wonder what it feels like...” I mumbled to myself.

“Hmm? Anong sabi mo?”

I tilted my head to look at him only to see him looking intently at me. I draped my left arm and leg over his body and laid my head on his chest, listening to the peaceful beat of his heart.

“I wonder what it feels like,” I repeated, but this time with a louder voice, “to be up there with the stars. It looks peaceful to be up there. Masaya siguro do’n kasi kitang-kita nila lahat ng tao dito sa mundo. Mainit kaya do’n o malamig? O baka sobrang ganda ng kinang ng mga bituin kapag malapitan, ‘no?”

Nakangiti akong tumingala para tignan si Jaemin pero agad nawala ang ngiting ‘yon nang makita ang seryoso niyang tingin sa’kin.

“B-Bakit?”

“Do you badly want to go there?” tanong niya sa isang mahinang boses na para bang mayroon siyang kinatatakutang malaman. “Up there with the stars, I mean.”

 And with that sadness and fear swallowing his deep orbs, we both know that it’s not about the stars he’s really talking about.

Itinaas ko ang aking kamay at dahan-dahang hinaplos ang kaniyang pisngi. Panandalian siyang pumikit at dinama ang haplos ko bago niya muling ipinako ang kaniyang nagmamakaawang titig sa’kin. He badly wanted to know my answer.

Naisip kong magsinungaling pero walang saysay ‘yon dahil sigurado akong alam naman niya kung ano talaga ang sagot ko. Kaya dahan-dahan akong tumango at nagpakawala ng isang malungkot na ngiti.

“I want to, Nana,” I answered with shaky voice. “I want to go up there with the stars, but not today. Maybe when I’m finally ready.”

Pumikit siya sandali at pagdilat ng kaniyang mga mata ay kita ang panunubig ng mga ito. Pero nagawa pa rin niya akong bigyan ng isang malapad na ngiti habang inaayos ang iilang mga takas na buhok ko. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya kasabay ang pagpatak ng isang halik sa aking buhok.

“Tama. ‘Wag muna ngayon, Jiji, ‘wag muna.”

Hindi pa siya handa. Kailangan ko pa ng isa pang araw.

 

 

We spent the next month doing travelling nearby towns, exploring places we haven’t been before. Nasimulan ko na rin ‘yung isang kantang matagal ko ng gustong gawin para kay Jaemin. I just really hoped na matapos ko ‘yon bago ako mawala.

Nando’n pa rin ‘yung pananakit ng dibdib ko at minsanang pangangapos ng hininga pero tiniis ko lalo na tuwing magkasama kami ni Jaem. Halos araw-araw namang tumatawag si Jeno sa’kin para kamustahin ako at paalalahanang uminom ng gamot. Minsan na rin siyang bumisita rito sa apartment kasama ang iba pa nilang kaibigan and I could never be more than thankful for them for always being here for us, for me. Kahit na si Jaemin naman talaga ang kaibigan nila, magmula ng maging kasintahan ko siya, hindi nila pinaramdam sa’kin na iba ako.

Para sa araw na ‘to, may hinanda raw na sorpresa para sa’kin si Jaemin pero dahil inaraw-araw na niya ata ang mga pakulo niyang ganto ay hindi na ako nagtaka pa at hinayaan na lang siyang sabik na sabik sa mangyayari ngayong araw na ‘to. Akala mo nga e siya ang makakatanggap ng surprise sa sobrang excited niya.

And for the past two months that we spent together, I can see how happier he has been despite of the future that awaits us. I just wish I can witness that for one more day and I won’t get tired of wishing the same thing everyday. Dahil ‘yon na lang ang tanging pinanghahawakan ko, ang patuloy na humiling sa Kaniya na bigyan ako ng isa pang araw para makasama si Jaemin.

I was brought back from my thoughts when I felt it again – the pain in my chest that seems like wouldn’t end. Sinubukan kong kumalma at huminga ng malalim sa paraang hindi mahahalata na Jaemin. Mabuti na lang din at abala siya sa pagmamaneho.

Tumagal ng halos dalawang minuto ang pagsakit at pakiramdam ko ay unti-unting dinudurog ang puso ko. I closed my eyes tightly and silently pleaded.

Please, please, let it stop. It hurts so much so, please, let this pain stop. I don’t want him to see me hurting.

“Love?”

Idinilat ko ang aking mga mata at ang una kong napansin ay ang nag-aalala at maluha-luhang mga mata ni Jaemin.

“B-Bakit? Anong nangyari?” Umayos ako ng upo at itinuon ng buo ang atensyon sa kaniya.

“Kanina pa kitang hindi magising,” sagot niya at halos marinig ko ang takot sa tono ng boses niya. “You got me worried there, I thought I lost you.”

Nakatulugan ko pala ang pananakit ng dibdib ko. I wonder if that’s dangerous, if what I did almost cost my death. But then, I remembered my prayer before I fell asleep and thought that maybe, there is really someone up there who actually heard my prayers. Halos wala na akong maramdamam ng bakas ng sakit sa dibdib ko, as if I wasn’t dying in pain a while ago.

Itinigil ko pansamantala ang mga iniisip nang makita ang nag-aalalang mukha ni Jaemin at itinuon ang pansin sa kaniya.

“Hey,” I called as I placed my hands on his cheeks, giving them a light caress. “I’m here now. Napasarap lang siguro ako ng tulog. I’m sorry I got you worried.”

He doesn’t seem convinced as the crease on his forehead deepened. “Masyado ka bang napagod sa biyahe? Gusto mong umuwi na muna tayo?”

“Nah, I’m fine. Malapit na ba tayo?” Lilingon na sana ako sa paligid pero hinawakan niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko upang ipirmi ang tingin ko sa kaniya na ikinagulat ko.

“Actually, we’re already here,” he anwsered while lightly nibbling his lower lip – a sign that he’s nervous.

“Then, let’s go?”

“Uhm, nasa labas na ‘yung sorpresa ko so I need you to close your eyes first.”

I raised my eyebrows at his request but decided to comply and let him do what he wants. Inalalayan niya ako sa pagbaba sa kotse at nagsimula na kaming maglakad papunta sa kung saan man. Because my eyes were covered, my other senses became sensitive, thus immediately picking up the faint sound of waves and smell of sea from afar.

Teka, dinala ba niya ako sa beach?

“Almost there,” bulong niya habang hawak hawak ng mahigpit ang dalawa kong kamay.

 “Ano ba kasi ‘yan, love?”

“Malalaman mo rin mamaya.”

Matapos ang ilan pang segundong paglalakad ay tumigil na rin kami. Binitawan niya ang kamay ko at naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya sa’kin at pumwesto sa likod ko.

“Pwede mo ng buksan.”

The first thing I saw as my eyes slowly adjusted to the bright surroundings is a two-storey modern house standing in front of me. The next thing I noticed was the sight of white sand and emerald sea peeking behind the house.

“You always wanted to live near the sea because you always loved watching sunsets and you said that watching the stars with the sound of calm waves at the background every night would be a great way to end your day every day, so I thought, why not build our house near the sea? So you could do it every single night.”

“Jaemin,” tawag ko subalit hindi ko na masundan pa dahil hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko para malaman niya kung anong nararamdaman ko. Kaya tumalikod na lamang ako upang maharap siya at mabigyan ng isang mahigpit na yakap. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I want to. And dami nating plano para sa kinabukasan natin pero hindi naman matuloy dahil masyado akong naging abala sa career ko. Ang magagawa ko na lang ngayon ay matupad ang kahit isa o dalawa man lang sa mga ‘yon habang nandiyan ka pa.”

Umiling ako at hinawakan ang magkabila niyang pisngi. “Wala kang kasalanan, love. Naiintindihan ko naman, e.”

“Pero hayaan mo na lang akong gawin ‘to para sa’yo.”

“Okay,” I breathed out as I start to feel the burning of my eyes. “And thank you so much for this, for everything. Hindi mo alam kung gaano mo ko napasaya. I love you so much, Jaemin.”

Tumingkayad ako at ginawaran siya ng isang halik na agad naman niyang sinuklian.

“Mahal na mahal din kita, Jieun. Higit pa sa inaakala mo,” sagot niya na mas lalong naging dahilan upang manubig ng husto ang mga mata ko. “Pero bago ka umiyak, tapusin muna natin ang surprise ko para sa’yo.”

Napakunot ako ng noo sa kaniyang tinuran at nagpatianod na lamang sa kaniya nang magsimula siyang maglakad papunta sa likod ng bahay. Magrereklamo na sana ako na gusto ko munang makita ang loob ng bahay bago dumiretso sa dagat nang makita ko kung ano ang naghihintay sa’min doon.

Or should I say who because the first ones I saw were Jaemin’s closest friends with their partners, and his parents waiting for us, smiling widely and wearing white clothes – beach dresses for the girls while plain white shirt and brown pants for the boys. There are string lights everywhere, white curtains lined above and a white carpet on the small makeshift aisle between their seats. I looked at Jaemin only to realize that he was wearing the same dress code as them – and so am I upon noticing my white simple dress.

Gusto ko sanang kausapin si Jaemin pero hinila na siya nila Jeno habang ako naman ay pinalibutan na ng mga kaibigan naming babae – may nag-aayos ng buhok ko, mayroong nagdadampi ng kung anong kolorete sa mukha ko at ang iba ay panay ang paypay sa akin para raw hindi ako pagpawisan.

Afterwards, Yeji, Jeno’s finacee stood forward and handed me a white bouquet consisting of white orchids, peonies and freesia with their stems wrapped in white silk. Hyunji, Donghyuck’s new girl friend, grabbed something from her paper bag which turns out to be a white short veil. The rest of the girls hurried arranging the veil on my head, putting on clips to prevent the veil from falling.

And then it hits me. I’m getting married.

Ikakasal ako kay Jaemin, sa lalaking pinakamamahal ko.

The girls scrambled their way back to their respective seats when the faint violin sound started playing in the background. And I was left there alone on the end of the white carpet with my man standing on the other end, waiting for me to reach him.

Hindi ko na halos namalayan ang mga sumunod na pangyayari. Parang tumigil ang oras, bumagal ang ikot ng mundo at kaming dalawa lamang ang tao. And with an encouraging smile from him, I bravely took one step forward, and another one, and another one, and another one until I reached him.

He held out his hand for me which I gladly took and when I looked at his eyes, the sparkles are back and they are twinkling at me, telling me how happy he is at the moment. And I could never be happier than this.

Ni minsan hindi ko naisip na maikakasal pa ako sa lalaking mamahalin ko ng lubos, pero simula ng dumating si Jaemin sa buhay ko, parang wala ng imposible.

He’s the miracle in my life – a gift.

Naging madali lang ang seremonya and before I knew it, we were already wearing our rings as we exchange our vows.

“Alam ko namang kakaunti na lang ang oras na meron tayo, kaya hayaan mo akong mahalin ka ng higit pa sa pagmamahal na ibinibigay ko sa’yo ngayon. Hindi ko akalain na darating ang araw na matatanggap ko ang pag-alis mo pero wala na rin naman akong magagawa para mapigilan ‘yun, e. I promise to love you with all my heart and my all and even if death do us part, I will still love you, Jiji. It’ll probably take long, but please wait for me. When the right time comes, I’ll follow you up there and be with you along with the stars. I love you so much, Na Jieun.”

“Wala akong hinandang kahit anong speech kaya ang tanging masasabi ko lang ay sobra akong nagpapasalamat sa taas dahil binigay ka Niya sa’kin. You’re the best thing that happened to me, Jaemin. You gave my life a miracle, a gift, and I’ll forever treasure that with me. And I promise to wait for you, no matter how long it takes, so take your time, okay? And when the right time comes, I’ll welcome you with open arms.” Tumigil ako sandali dahil hindi ko na napigilan ang sunod-sunod na paghikbi at paglabas ng mga luha ko. “Mahal na mahal kita, Na Jaemin. Sobra.”

Hindi ko na halos nasundan ang mga sunod pang sinabi ng pari dahil sa patuloy na pagpatak ng mga luha ko. And sunod ko na lang na nalaman ay itinataas na ni Jaemin ang aking belo upang magawaran ako ng isang matamis at punong-puno ng pagmamahal na halik habang nagpapalakpakan ang mga tao sa likod namin.

Nagkaro’n ng salu-salo matapos ang seremonya at munting sayawan. Isinayaw ako ng lahat ng kaibigan ni Jaemin at maging ang kaniyang Daddy. And of course, he was my last dance.

Higit sa isang kanta ata ang naisayaw namin, hindi ko na masundan dahil ang atensyon ko ay nasa lalaking kasayaw ko, ang aking asawa.

“Mahal na mahal kita, Jiji. Hinding-hindi ako magsasawang ipaalala sa’yo ‘yan,” bulong niya sa aking tainga habang mahigpit na hawak ang aking baywang. Hinigpitan ko rin ang hawak ko sa kaniyang balikat at isinandal ang aking ulo sa kaniyang dibdib.

At that moment, I almost forgot everything. All I know is that I’m really happy and that nothing could ever take this unforgettable moment away from me. Until it happened.

Kung kailan sobrang saya ko na ay bigla naman siyang nagparamdam, tila ba pinapaalala sa’kin kung ano ang naghihintay sa akin sa mga susunod na bawat segundo ng buhay ko. At habang nalulunod ako sa kalawakang bumubuo sa mga mata ni Jaemin ay naramdaman ko ang masakit na pagkadurog ng aking puso. Sa sobrang sakit ay halos mamanhid na ako hanggang sa tuluyan na talaga akong mawalan ng pakiramdam dahil unti-unti ng binabalot ng kadiliman ang aking paningin.

Pero sa mga huling sandali, habang yakap-yakap niya ako ng mahigpit at binabalot ako ng init na dala niya ay hindi ko inalintana ang lamig ng kawalan na nag-iintay sa akin.

 

 

 

 

“Isa pang araw. Bigyan mo pa ako ng isang araw kasama siya. Akala ko tanggap ko na, akala ko handa na ako pero hindi pa pala. Kaya, please, humihingi ako ng isa pang araw.”

 

Sabi nga nila, kapag sobrang saya mo, asahan mo na may kapalit ‘yan.

Nung gabing ikinasal kami ni Jieun ang pinakamasayang araw ng buhay ko ngunit ito rin ang naging simula ng aking bangungungot, ang simula ng aming pagtatapos.

Inatake siya at dinala sa ospital, ilang araw din siyang nagtagal do’n. At dumating na rin ang pinakakinatatakutan ko – binigyan na ng taning ang buhay niya. Akala ko tanggap ko na, pero iba pa rin talaga kapag nandiyan na.

Ayaw ko sana siyang palabasin sa ospital, kahit si Jeno hindi sang-ayon do’n, subalit iyon ang gusto ni Jieun.

“Gusto ko ng umuwi, love. Iuwi mo na ‘ko sa bahay natin.”

And who am I to say no, when it feels like she’s begging for it with her life? Kaya inuwi ko siya sa bagong bahay namin, where we spent her remaining days together. Halos araw-araw na rin siyang binisita ng mga kaibigan namin pero saglit lang dahil mas mabilis na siyang nakakaramdam ng pagod kumpara noon. Kaya madalas na lamang kaming nakahiga sa labas – sa sun lounger o kaya sa buhanginan – habang pinagmamasdan ang tahimik na karagatan.

Halos araw-araw na rin ang pagkirot ng dibdib niya at habang tumatagal ay unti-unti ng nawawalan ng bisa ang mga gamot niya hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang tumigil sa pag-inom no’n. Minsan maaabutan ko siyang umiiyak sa sulok ng kwarto namin o ‘di kaya ay magkukulong sa banyo habang hawak-hawak ang kaniyang dibdib na para bang dinudurog ng husto ang puso niya. At wala akong magawa kundi ang yakapin siya ng mahigpit habang pinakikinggan ang kaniyang pagsusumamo.

“Pagod na ko, Jaemin. Pagod na pagod na ko. Patigilin mo na ‘tong sakit, hindi ko na kaya. Ayaw ko na, gusto ko ng mawala ‘to, parang awa mo na.”

Pero siguro talagang likas na sa tao ang pagiging makasarili, dahil sa pagpatak ng gabi, habang binabantayan ko siyang payapang natutulog ay ang aking paghiling ng isa pang araw na makapiling siya. Halos ilang araw na rin akong walang tulog dahil natatakot ako na baka sa kalagitnaan ng pagtulog niya ay tumigil ang kaniyang paghinga at paggising ko ay wala na siya sa’kin.

“May regalo pala ako sa’yo,” basag niya sa katahimikan habang inilalapit ang kaniyang mukha sa aking leeg. Kanina pa kaming nakahiga dito sa deck ng aking yate matapos panuorin ang sunset at ngayon ay pinagmamasdan naman ang mga bituin. “Hindi naman pwedeng palagi na lang ikaw ang may sorpresa sa’ting dalawa.”

“Ano ‘yon?”

Imbes na sumagot ay inilabas niya ang kaniyang cellphone mula sa kaniyang bulsa at pagkatapos ang iilang pagpindot ay may narinig akong mahinang pagtugtog ng piano kasunod ang pamilyar na boses niya.

  

On the road that shines exceptionally Standing there, I am waiting for you It's not cold When you are in my arms, I can feel the warmth

“I’ve been working on it for quite some time. Akala ko nga ‘di ko matatapos pero buti na lang nagawa ko,” she chuckled softly. How I wish I could get to hear more of it in the future. “I hope you liked it, love. I poured my everything into that song so whenever you miss me, you can just listen to it as if I’m right here beside you.”

You're my everything I want to protect your days and nights You are a miracle to me, I wish you could see it Spreading all over me, a gift called you You’re my night and day Waiting for you in this street, drawing you again

“Just like what the song says and like what I told you on the day of our wedding, you are my miracle and you are the best gift I ever had. I lived alone for more than half of my life but He decided to give you to me and I’ll forever be thankful for that. You are all that I have, Jaemin. I love you, my husband, my everything. I love you so much that I think my love for you is like these burning stars because it will forever burn even in our next afterlife.”

An unusually long day But it's not too bad because you're warm Just like that, with nothing to do I can live just like that You're my everything I want to protect your days and nights You are a miracle to me, I wish you could see it Spreading all over me, a gift called you You're my night and day Waiting for you in this street, drawing you again

“Love? You still there?” banggit ko sa mahinang boses. May ilang minuto na ata ang nakalipas na parehas kaming tahimik, tanging ang malambing na boses na lamang niya mula sa kaniyang cellphone ang maririnig. Kung hindi lang dahil sa nararamdaman ko ang mahinang pagtibok ng puso niya ay baka kung ano na ang naisip ko.

 “Hmmm,” she hummed in an equally weak voice. “Inaantok na ko, Jaemin. Gusto ko ng magpahinga.”

Pagod ka na ba talaga, Jieun? Hindi mo na ba talaga kaya? Kasi kung oo, hahayaan na kitang magpahinga. Ayoko na ring makita kang nahihirapan. Handa na akong pakawalan ka.

“Of course, love...,” tumigil ako saglit at nilabanan ang namumuong bara sa aking lalamunan. Huminga ako ng malalim at pinigilan ang nagbabadyang pagpatak ng aking mga luha. “Gusto mo na bang magpunta do’n? Gusto mo na bang makasama ang mga bituin?” 

“P-pwede na ba? Parang tinatawag na nila ako, e.”

Humigpit ang yakap ko sa kaniya habang tuloy-tuloy na ang pag-agos ng aking mga luha. Pero hangga’t maaari ay pinigilan ko ang paghikbi.

“Whenever you’re ready, Jiji, whenever you’re ready,” bulong ko habang ginagawaran ang gilid ng kaniyang ulo ng halik.

She tilted her head and looked at me in the eyes. Umiiyak din siya. Umiiyak ang babaeng mahal ko pero mayroong ngiti sa kaniyang mga labi at sa unang beses sa loob ng halos kalahating taong paghihirap niya ay nakita ko ang ngiti sa kaniyang mga mata.

She’s happy because she knows it’s gonna end soon and she’ll finally be with the stars. And that’s all that matters to me – that she’s happy.

“Goodnight, Nana. I love you so much,” malambing na banggit niya at pagkatapos ay inilapit sa akin ang mukha upang mahalikan ako na akin namang sinuklian.

“Sweet dreams, Jiji, at mahal na mahal kita ng higit pa sa lawak ng karagatang ito o sa dami ng mga bituin sa langit.”

It seemed to be never-ending At the end of the long wait You're the one

You're my everything I want to protect your days and nights You are a miracle to me, I wish you could see it Spreading all over me, a gift called you You're my night and day Waiting for you in this street, drawing you again

 

Hi, love!

If you’re reading this, it means I’m finally with the stars now. Just to let you know, I’m doing great and happy here, kaya sana ikaw din masaya diyan. Sana binabantayan ka ng ayos nina Jeno, kundi naku, malilintikan sa’kin ang mga ‘yon. >< Tsaka ‘di naman kita pababayaan, e. I’m patiently waiting for you here, Nana, so take your precious time, hihi. You probably don’t know, but I’m currently looking down after you, my love. So whenever you miss me, all you have to do is listen to my song, look up, and remember, I love you.

Your loving wife,

Jiji

 

 

I am also doing great, Jiji. Syempre, mahirap sa una pero tinulungan naman nila ako, tsaka tinulungan ko rin ang sarili ko para maibalik sa normal ang lahat. And I’m currently listening to your song and looking up at the stars, hoping to see a glance of your face. Ang daya mo, ako nakikita mo pero ikaw hindi ko makita. At sobrang miss na miss na kita, araw-araw ‘yon, walang palya. Pero ‘di bale, magkikita rin naman tayo, e. Diba sabi ko naman sa’yo, intayin mo lang ako dahil susunod ako diyan sa mga bituin? Hindi na ako makapaghintay, Jiji. 

Isa pang araw at magkakasama na tayong muli. See you soon, my love.

[buttercookiesncream]

Today, December 16, 2022. I will back to write again.

I'm mixed emotion while doing this, but I need to write to let go this feeling and person

I met Him Last Year. Same work but different department. I always thought na baka, siya na. Siya na iyong makakasama ko since lagi akong palpak sa mga past relationship ko.

We became closed. We got along and meet afterwards. We became couple and getting stronger.

Since uwian siya sa pangasinan, uuwi lang siya dito ng ilang months matagal na iyong 2 to 3 months and Long Distance Relationship na ulit. Every off, nasa kanila ako. Watching Him doing his axie, we played mobile legends. Kakain sa karinderya, oorder sa fast food at kung ano. Both of us had Fun, shile doing simple things together. In short, siya iyong naging pahingahan ko.

I always admire him for being Him. Naniniwala ako sa kanya. Natutuwa ako pag may mga award siya or may CSAT siya, at is, Proud Girlfriend ako sa kanya. I was with Him, when He was at his worst. Same sahod lang din naman kami, pero since mag isa lang siya at may kinuha siyang motor, at kahit short na ako sa pera. Ibibigay ko sa kanya.

May times na rin na pag wala siyang makain at kahit last money ko na, ibibigay ko parin sa kanya. Naruto akong gumamit ng Gcash since every cut off need niya humiram ng pera. Naiintindihan ko yon since I'm His Girlfriend, responsibility ko na tulungan siya. I also said No, Hindi naman ako mayaman para hindi gawin yon lalo at nangailangan na ng Pera iyong Family ko. Ending nag away kami. Sobrang Hindi ko na rin alam iyong gagawin ko that time, kasi ang thinking ko non, kailangan may mabigay ako kasi Girlfriend niya ako. I'm not bragging na ako. Lang palagi ang meron sa relationship namin pero sometimes pag meron siya. Siya naman ang gagastos. Give and Take Kumbaga. Kaso this past few months, nag aaway kami. Siguro iyong time? Iyong religion since different religion kami or sadyang may iba lang.

Nagiging okay kami pero ganon na naman. My Family Knows Him, kaya pag wala siyang pera at makain, hindi ako nahihiya na papuntahin siya samin para kumain. In short kung anong meron ako, gusto ko meron din siya. I'm not into mobile legend pero masaya ako pag naglalaro kami. Pati sa ML, support ako. Kasi lagi nga akong nandyan for him. We tried to do another bonding also, we tried to watch movies kaso nga lang, hindi siya sanay to watched movies kaya ending, kanya kanya na lang. Hindi niya ako laging kasama sa laro pero we played and get along.

Pag mag lalaro siya hinihintay ko siya, minsan nakaka tulog na ako kakahintay pero okay lang, kasi nga support ako at sinusuportahan ko siya.

I'm not a perfect girlfriend also, especially this year of 2022, sunod sunod iyong naging problema samin sa Family ko. Nangailangan din kami ng pera lalo nung panahon nakita Kong umiiyak si ate nung kinuha ng Bank iyong kotse niya ako hindi ko na rin alam iyong gagawin, kaya kahit kailangan niya iyong pera. Mas inuna ko iyong pamilya ko kesa sa kanya. Alam Kong nag tampo siya since ayaw niyang mag No ako palagi, gusto niya pag gusto niya may malabas ako. Alam Kong kasalanan ko rin kasi sinanay ko siya pero hindi ko pala kayang panindigan.

My Family? aminado ako na may problema kami sa pera at minsan ibang issue pa na hindi ko kayang iopen sa kanya. Kasi ramdam ko, na baka sabihin niyang nagdradrama lang ako.

Nag open ako one time eh, gusto ko lang ng makikinig nung gusto ko na mag break down, pero wala siya nung panahon na kailangan ko siya. Gusto ko siyang kausapin kasi kailangan ko iyong Boyfriend ko That time. Kaya kinukulit siya na baka pwedeng ako naman. Kaso ending nag away kami at pinili niya na huwag akong kausapin ng 2 days. Kasi sa kanya na raw umiikot iyong Mundo ko. Ganon ba ako? Nung kailangan na kailangan ko siya ako naman iyong walang matakbuhan? I'm anxiety is eating me up, pero nasaan siya ng ako iyong walang wala?

That was His Birthday, Sale namin sa work. Kaya hindi ako naka sama at naka punta. Gusto niyang pumunta ako pero wala akong choice kasi sobrang bigat ng problema namin sa buhay. Syempre Birthday niya yon kahit na may problema kami ayaw kong sirain yon, kaya kahit pagod ako sa trabaho nag alarm ako ng 12 am para mabait siya exact time. Binati ko siya pero hindi sakto kasi nga, nakatulog. Masaya ako na gising siya kaya nag usap kami sa chat kahit ilang mins. Pero need niya ng mag pahinga kasi susunduin niya iyong mga kaibigan niya sa Bayan. Buong sale siya lang iyong iniisip ko, kasi gusto Kong Bumawi para malaman niyang nandito lang ako kahit wala ako sa tabi niya. Tinary ko siyang tawagan agad after ng duty ko pero hindi ko siya nakausap.

Nakiusap ako kahit sandali lang kasi may problema na nga kami pero ayaw kong isipin niya iyon at don na pumasok iyong sinasabi niya na masyado na akong naka sandal sa kanya. Baka ganon na nga naka sandal na ako sa kanya iyong 2 days na yon naging 3 days to 4 days, sa sobrang pag aalala ko chinat ko iyong Friend niya kasi hindi siya pumapasok. Kasi maski chat hindi niya magawa sakin wala ring nakaka alam sa work namin kung anong nangyare sa kanya.

Pag balik niya, Hinamon niya na ako ng Break up. Am I stupid enough? Kasi nag mamakaawa ako na Huwag akong Iwan? Kasi hindi ko alam kung anong mali at kung anong reason niya?

Sinuyo suyo ko siya. Naging okay kami pero after non After His Birthday? Nakipag break na talaga siya sakin. A week after miserable na ako, iniisip ko na kasalanan ko to kasi hindi ko siya pinag bigyan sa gusto niya.

Tinanggap ko iyong Break up kasi Hindi ko na kaya, Nilalamon na ako ng insecurities ko kasi nga Mas okay daw kung si Ex iyong kasama niya. Ang lala tangina, ako iyong nandito pero iba pala iyong gusto niya. Inexplained nila na wala lang daw yon, it's a joke. Is that a joke? Sa sabihan ako na gusto niya iyong ex niya pero hindi na pwede maging sila?

I cried every day kasi Hindi ko na kaya. Kasi lahat nag sabay sabay na. August nung nakipag break siya and until this month, akala ko okay na ako pero hindi pala. One news came in na may jowa na pala siya. Alam Kong magkakaroon na talaga siya pero Hindi ko ineexpect na that fast. Kasi ang alam ko, last sale namin nung November niyaya pa nila ako for Get Together. Gusto ko ng peace of mind kaya hindi na ako nakipag kita.

And I hope and Pray To God na sana mawala na iyong pain na dala dala ko Hanggang ngayon. Kasi gusto ko ng matapos ito.

[ulapluna]

Sino si Ogag?

“Miss mo na pamilya mo?” bulong ni Ogag sa bubwit na nagwawala habang piga-piga niya ang buong katawan.

Napatingin na lang ako sa langit kung bakit ako ang inatasang makasama ng abnoy na ito. Ganoon ba kabigat ang kasalanan ko noong dating kong buhay. Pusang ama.

Kilala si Ogag sa bawat sulok ng Baranggay Sinukuan. Kung may pacontest ng That’s my Bae Brgy. Sinukuan edition ay siguradong susuko lahat ng makatatapat ni Ogag. Crowd favorite agad ang puwesto niya. 5,000 shares at 20,000 reacts sa online voting ang siguradong makukuha tulad ng tig-5,000 na kickback ni Kap sa bawat leader ng purok noong nakaraang halalan at P20,000 na hindi ipinamigay na food packs noong kasagsagan ng lockdown. Si Ogag ay parang Dingdong Dantes ang sex appeal pero nasa katauhan ni Tekla. Bukod sa kilala siya. Napatawa niya lahat siguro ng humihinga sa aming lugar. Nariyan na nakipagsigawan siya sa pipe, nakipagsuntukan sa pilay, humahigh five sa lahat ng nagdaraan kahit hindi niya kilala sabay ngiti. Punch line niya ‘yung mukha niyang nakatirik ang mata at nakalitaw ang nag-iisang ngipin. Kahit tinalpak mo na ang lahat ng kabuhayan mo ay mapapangiti ka kay Ogag. Daig niya pa ang JOWAPAO ng Juan for All, All for Juan sa pagpapasaya. All-in-one package si Ogag. Mabait at lagi lang nakangiti na parang hindi pinabaunan ng problema ni Bro.

Raraket kami ni Ogag ngayong araw pero hindi niya pa sinasabi kung saan lupalop niya na naman ako isasama. Hindi ko alam kung raket ba talagang itong pupuntahan namin dahil panay upang-kanin lang naman kami. Madalas tira-tirang ulam o kaya naman ay tinapay na hitik sa amag ang ibinibigay sa amin. Pero okay na iyun kaysa sipsipin na naman namin ang basahang basa na pamunas ng yagbols ni Mang Karyo. Sa araw-araw na biyaya ni Bro dahil walang pinag-aralan madalas ay sinasamantala si Ogag ng mga nakauunawa. Nakauunawang hindi marunong umunawa. Kahit ata ipagapas mo kay Ogag ang tatlong hektaryang maisan gagawin niya kapalit ng isang balot ng Spanish bread na gawa sa Pinas.

Wala kasing pamilya si Ogag lahat ay sumakabilang selda na. Lolo niya adik. Lola niya adik. Tatay niya adik pero ibahin mo ang nanay niya kasi adik na, pusher pa, mas level-up nang kaunti. Kaya raw noong pinagbubuntis si Ogag na kasagsagan ng hulihan. Na-raid at nakuha yung kababagsak lang sa nanay niya na isang plastic ng bato. Magbabasag pa lang ang nanay niya ayun timbog si gaga. Pero nakalaya dahil sa hindi malaman na dahilan napawalan ng sala. Sa sobrang takot dahil baka pinalaya para ibenta ang mga laman loob para makabawi ay nadurog ang utak. Kamalas-malasan ay pinagbubuntis pa niya ang magiging Mr. Pogi ng Brgy. Sinukuan kaya ayun pinagsusuntok ang tiyan. Naaktuhan din daw ng mga kapitbahay habang tinutungga yung Clorox at kung ano-anong sabong panlaba. Matindi lang talaga ang kapit ni Ogag at naireport sa DSDW ang kaso niya kaya nabantayan ay nailabas ang healthy baby boy na si Jeremy Micheal Bista alias Ogag. Pero paglaki-laki niya dahil na rin siguro sa mga nainom na sabong tumatanggal ng mantsa ay nagkaroon ng mantsa ang pag-iisip ni Jeremy Micheal o for short Ogag. Ilang taon ang lumipas at isa-isa na ring nakorner ang mga natitirang kamag-anak niya hanggang siya nalang ang natira. Buti na lang inampon kami ni Mang Karyo. Duda rin ako kung inampon kami o pinilit namin siyang ampunin kami dahil byudo na ang matanda at kami lagi ang umaalalay noong nakakikita pa. Tulong lang dahil pinapatulog niya kami sa may silungan ng dati niyang tindahan.

Sakto alas dose, binabagtas namin ang katirikan ng araw sa maalinsangan tanghali. Rumaket pa kasi kami sa palengke para mamulot ng mga sirang gulay at prutas. Kailangan siyempre ng katawan natin ng vitamins and nutrients. Kaya sa mga sirang prutas at gulay lumalakas ang immune system namin.

Napansin kong napapashet si Ogag kada may madadaanan siyang dalaga. Akala ko natutunan na rin niya ang libog sa mura niyang isipan. Muntik ko na rin siyang murahin pero suko na pala ang tsinelas niya parang bubble gum na namuti at durog na pero nginunguya pa rin dahil no choice. Kaya pala napapayukot ang mukha niya tuwing aspalto ang nilalakaran niya. Mabuti na lang nakakita siya ng bote ng mineral, instant tsinelas. Libre na, matibay pa.

Nakarating kami sa bungad ng barangay kung saan lamang ng isang hakbang ang mga tao sa linya ng laylayan. Linis kanal ang sunod na project namin ngayon ni Ogag. Pusang ama kasi itong si Kap wala nang inatupag kung hindi paliga at pabikini-open. Mas matigas pa ang torso niya kesa sa paninindigan niyang tuparin ang pinangako niyang aayusin ang barangay. Nangunguna pa sa ayuda ang mga bwakanang kamag-anak niya. Nagpapataasan naman ng mga bahay pero aligaga sa pagpila sa perang sa kanila rin naman daw galing dahil nagtratrabaho sila.

Isang matandang dalaga na suki na namin ang nagpatawag pala para linisin ang kanal nila na halos hindi na makilala kung kanal ba o tapunan ng basura. Matagal na rin kaming inuutusan ni Ate Tesang. Ayaw niyang tawagin siya na “tita, maam, o lola” tumatanda raw siya kapag sinasabi sa kaniya yun. Kung alam ko lang isang linggo na lang parating na yung huling regla niya. Tinaas na ni Ogag ang tagpi-tagping pantalon na nangangapal na rin sa tanda. Sinipat-sipat kung saan magsisimula. Isang patpat lang ang hawak-hawak ni Ogag na sasagupa sa dagat ng basura. Sa oras na iyun gusto ko siyang kantahan.

“Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura? Nag-Pasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada? Yan ang tanong namin, Tunay ka bang isa sa amin?”

Lumusong na si Ogag sa halos isang dipang kanal. Mala-Biag ni Lam-ang ang datingan niya. ‘Yun nga lang mangingibal na ang kanal bago pa siya lumusong. Pero kung tutuusin mas lalong nadumihan dahil sa kapal ng libag ni Ogag. Walang arte-arte dahil naghihintay ang isang plastik ng biskotso at malamig na malamig na cooocaaa colaaa with water pollution sabi ng mga idol namin. Jackpot din kami dahil napakaraming kalakal ang naipon namin. May bote, plastik at bakal na bonus sa paglilinis. No more basahan nights kami mamaya. Habang abala si Ogag kakatanggal ng mga basura ay hindi siya nakakaligtang bumati sa mga nagdadaan. Lahat binabati niya may mga lumalapit, tumatango, bumabati at dedma sa wonder boy natin. Nakatunganga lang ako sa may kalayuan dahil alam kong kayang-kaya na ni Ogag ‘yun.

Matapos niyang tanggalin ang lahat ng sukal sa kanal pati ang sama ng loob ni Ate Tesang nawala. Tamang food trip na kami ni Boss Ogag nang dumating sila Tikyo at mga kaibigan niyang mukang hindi gagawa ng kabutihan sa mundo. Bumati sa pawisang abnoy sabay nakicheck na rin ng matigas na biskotso. Kasing tigas ng biskotso ang mga mukha ng mga animal. Kahit hindi nakapag-aral si Ogag ay marunong siyang magpakatao. Hindi madamot at kung kakausapin mo siya ay magpapagpag pa ng suot at hahawiin ang naglalangis na buhok. Oo, daig pa ni Ogag ang mga kakilala mong nakalimot na magpakatao dahil sa narating o anumang nagpakapal sa kanilang bulsa. Pera at kapangyarihan.

Dinala nila si Ogag sa ilalim ng Talisay. Nakipag-apir muna at umakbay sa nanggigitatang kulang-kulang. Lumapit ako sa kanila. Bukod sa mga mukhang amoy putok ay sabog rin at lutang ang galawan ng ibang kasama ni Tikyo. Mabilis lang ang naging usap nila kay Ogag dahil madali naman kausap si Ogag. Isa pa ay nanununtok rin ang hininga ni Ogag kaya dapat mabilis lang ang usap para hindi ka na mapabili ng ammonia. Narinig ko na lang na inaaya siya na pumunta sa birthday ng isa nilang tropa sa kabilang bayan. Sasamahan daw siya ni Benjo, pinsan ni Tikyo sa lugar ng handaan. Napahigh five na lang si Ogag sa tuwa. Sabay-sabay silang nag-apir bahagyang lumaki ang butas ng ozone layer dahil sa mga anghit nila.

Habang pauwi kami gusto ko man sabihan si Ogag na huwag na pumunta at baka anong katarantaduhan lang ang gawin sa kaniya doon ay hindi naman niya ko maiintindihan o susundin. Siguro kung narito lang kahit isa sa mga magulang niya ay may magpapangaral sa kaniya.

Sa paglaki ni Ogag, ilang beses niyang nginitian at tinawanan ang mga napakatatalim na salita. Mga salitang mula sa pangungutya at panunukso. Hindi naman kaagad bulbulan nilabas si Ogag. Dumaan siya sa pagkabata kung saan walang takas sa katuwaan ang isang batang walang laban. Mabuti na lang may mga kumukupkop at nagbibigay ng pagkain sa kaniya noong mga panahong hindi niya pa kayang mag-isa. Nariyan nga si Mang Karyo na kahit hindi niya tunay na anak si Ogag ay inaabutan pa rin niya ito ng pagkain. Kahit nangungupit si Ogag sa tindahan ay hindi niya ito pinagtaasan ng boses.  Bata pa lang ay nakitaan na si Ogag ng kakulangan. Pero hindi naman ito dahilan para siya’y buntunan ng sama ng loob para pagtawanan. Hindi ko alam kung nasusugatan ba siya o talagang matagal nang nadurog ang kaloob-looban niya dahil sa kaniyang nanay na dapat na unang sasandalan, ay siya pang unang matutuwa kung siya’y paglalamayan. Malamang sa malamang sa dami ng tarantado sa aming barangay ay may nagkuwento na kung ano ang nangyari sa kaniya noong sanggol at supling palang siya. Pinipilit na lang siguro ni Ogag ngumiti kahit nag-iisa nalang ang ngipin niya katulad niya. Tinitirik ang mata para hindi makita ang hipokritong mundo.

Pagdating sa bahay. Kaagad namin pinuntahan sa paborito niyang upuan si Mang Karyo. Malayo pa lang ay bumati na ito.

“Ogag at Baron kayo ba ‘yan?”

Walang duda. Nalanghap na niya ang sariwang putok ni Ogag. Naghugas muna ng kamay sa bomba sabay mano. Nilinisan namin si Mang Karyo. Pinabango ang yagbols na puro ihi at pinakain. Kabisado naman ni Mang Karyo ang bahay nila. May naghahatid rin ng pagkain tuwing umaga na galing kung kani-kanino na nakakaalala dahil sobrang bait talaga ni Mang Karyo. Hindi lang talaga siya makayuko at makapunta sa banyo dahil takot din siyang madulas kaya kami na ang bahala sa paglilinis sa kaniya. Kaya ganoon na lang din siguro rumaket si Ogag dahil hindi naman araw-araw ay may aabangan ang matanda. Minsan walang dumadating kaya si Ogag ang naghahanap ng makakain. Matapos malinisan ang tatay-tatayan ni Ogag. Nilatag na niya ang higaang karton. Pumuwesto sa tapat ng maliit na siwang na tanaw ang kalangitan at panandaliang kinausap ang maykapal para magpasalamat sa mga biyaya mula paggising hanggang sa bago tapusin ang gabi. Kahit may diperensiya sa pag-iisip si Ogag, perpekto siyang halimbawa ng mga taong hindi naghahanap ng wala bagkus nagpapasalamat sa mga natatanggap, maliit man o malaki. Sa tabi ng apat na tuping karton na ginawang higaan ay ang pinapaabot na regalo sa birthday bukas.

  Kaagad humataw si Ogag sa mga pakisuyo at patrabaho. Mag-alas tres na noong makatapos siya sa pakisuyo ni Kap na magwalis sa plaza at tabing daan. Tulad ng dati kasing kapal ng monay na bigay ni Kap ang mukha nilang mga opisyales sa barangay. Si Ogag ang nagtrabaho buong araw pero sila itong sumasahod sa pagpapalaki ng mga bayag. May nagmagandang loob naman na nagbigay ng isang daan kay Ogag. May natitira pa rin pa lang may puso sa mga namumuno sa atin.

Sumama ako sa handaan sa kabilang bayan. Daig pa namin ang nag-alay lakad sa layo ng kabilang bayan. Ilang basketball court at plaza rin ang nakita ko. Dala-dala ni Ogag ang pinaabot na regalo. Sinalubong kami ng mga masasamang tao este mga tropa ni Tikyo. Itinuro ang daan. Kung saan susuot sa lungga ng mga taong takot sa bagong mukha. Kahit kasama namin si Benjo na katutuli palang ay nangangatal ang mga paa ko. Parang eksena sa shake rattle and roll at ang bida ay isa ring bonak. Kumbaga bonak sa bonak ang tunggalian. Madilim ang lugar pero nagliliwanag ang mga matang kulang pula at dilaw na sinusundan ang mga yabag. Tinuro ni Benjo, ang lugar. Animo’y may rayot dahil nagsisigawan na ang mga nag-iinuman. Mausok dahil sa yosi at vape na panis na laway ang flavor. Biglang bumirit ng sigaw si Ogag. Pusang ama talaga nitong si Ogag. Sa ganitong pagkakataon pa iiral ang pagiging bugukan. Kahit ako nagulat sa ginawa niya. Parang gusto kong isuka ang kaluluwa ko. Parang naging hudyat ng isang raid ang hiyaw ng tolongges na si Ogag. Muntik pang tumakbo ang isang may sumpal na yosi sa bibig niya. Napayuko naman yung isang pumapapak ng leeg ng bibe. Noong makilala na si Ogag at Benjo ay nawala ang tensyon na dinadala ni Cardo kapag nakakaharap niya ang mga masasamang tao.

“Si Ogag pala to! Puting ina! Kumain na kayo tanging ina nyo!”

Parang family reunion ang sumunod na ganap. Kulang na lang may magsabi ng “Lumipad ang aming team kasama si Ogag para makapiling ang mga adik sa Quezon.”

Kumustahan ang mga maaangot at may anghit. Nakakaiyak makita kapag nagtabi-tabi siya. Mahapdi sa mata ang mga amoy nila. Nilabas ang pingas na babasaging pinggan na mukang kakahugas lang. Inilatag ang isang palangganang bibe at bundok ng kanin. Akmang sasandok na si Ogag nang bigla siyang takalan ng isang salok ng tinanlarang bibe. Malaki pa luslos niya kay sa ulam niya. Bumawi na lang sa limang sandok ng kanin na maraming sarsa. Okay na rin dahil hanggang bukas na kami busog nito. Bago pa sumibasib ng subo si Ogag ay nakapag-exchange gift muna siya. Pagkaabot ng regalo ay hindi na makausap si Ogag. Lamong bibitayin na ang ganap naming dalawa. Nang maramdaman ko nang sumayad na ang kaning may sarsa sa aking bituka ay ibinuga ko ang isang malakas na dighay na may kasamang usok mula sa paglalakad namin kanina.

Sunod ay pinakain ulit kami ng isang batyang kanin at kaunting inadobong bibe. Solve ang hapunan at may dagdag lakas na para sa umagahan. Warak na naman ang kubeta ni Mang Karyo. Kaing walang bukas ang round two namin dahil madalang kami maimbitahan sa mga handaan. Marungis kasi kami lagi. Sandali lang kami nagtagal dahil naglakad lang kami papunta doon at magduduty na ang dilim. Bumabangka pa si Ogag pero nag-aya na akong umuwi dahil malayo pa ang lalakarin namin. Pinabaonan kami ng ilang buto-buto ng tinanlarang bibe at pabagat na isang plastik ng adobo na nakabalot sa dyaryo para naman daw sa pamilya ni Tikyo.

Sa paglabas namin sa malaimpiyernong lugar ay nakasunod pa rin sa amin ang mga matang sobra sa gising. Kahit sa pagtawid namin sa aming barangay parang may matang sumusunod sa amin. Binabagtas namin ang kahabaan ng highway. Hindi katulad kanina na nakapapagod ang lakaran, ngayon ay dumadampi sa amin ang malamig na simoy ng kapaskuhan. Ber months na pala. May mga naglagay na mga pailaw sa tapat ng kanilang bahay. Kumukundap-kundap katulad ng mga matang nakamasid sa kung saan. Parang napanood ko na ito sa isang pelikula. Pabigat nang pabigat ang kaba. Dumidilim na ang kalsada. May naririnig ang tumatakbo. Nagbigay ako nang babala kay Ogag pero sinisilip niya ang pasalubong niya kay Mang Karyo. Isang napakabilis na larawan ang sumagi sa akin. Sa isang iglap, sumunggab si Tikyo.

“Hoy, Ogag nasaan na yung para sa akin!”

Naibuga ko ang espirito ng tinanlarang bibe at tutong na kanin. Sa pagtawa ni Ogag, iniabot niya ang isang maliit na supot. Kaagad namang kinuha ito ni Tikyo. Sumuot sa eskinita at naglaho. Sumigaw si Ogag at ngumiti. Ang paborito niyang punch line kapag nagpapasalamat.

“Paalam, Thank you!”

Tatlong putok ang kasunod nito. Tatlong putok na nagpahandusay kay Ogag. Gumapang ang sariling dugo niya sa kalsadang nilinis niya. Sumambulat ang tinanlarang bibe sa kalsada. Bahagyang natigil ang taong nakahelmet sa nakita. Hindi ulam ang inaasahan niya. Nagkatitigan kami. Naalala ko kung paano ako pumatay ng mga taong walang laban. Naalala ko kung paano ako napunta sa sitwasyong ito. Bumirit ako ng sigaw ngunit ungol lang ng isang aso ang pumalahaw sa barangay. Ang aking mga paghingi ng tulong ay isang maingay na alulong. Walang salita. Puro tahol. Naalala ko na isa nga pala akong makasalan. Bumukas ang bintana pero walang bumaba. Tumakbo ang may sala ngunit walang humabol. Huling narinig ko nalang ay “Hindi siya ang nakalista.” Pusang ama, ganiyan rin ako dati tumira.

Nagpaikot-ikot at naguluhan. Isa ba akong anghel o isang demonyong inilagay sa isang aso. Isa ba akong kaibigan o isang kaaway. Sa ilang taon kong nakasama si Ogag ay nagampanan ko ba ang misyong hindi ko naman talaga maalala. Nakalista na rin ba ako dati sa mga kukunin o ako ang naglilista. Nilingon ko si Ogag. Nakangiti siya. Naging masaya ba siya sa naging hatol sa kaniya o nagtagumpay ba siya sa pagsubok niya. Miss niya na rin ba ang tunay niyang pamilya kaya nauna na siya o nagkamali lang ang tagalista.

Sa napakaraming napasaya ni Ogag, napatawa dahil sa pangungutya, wala ni isang naglakas ng loob na dalin siya sa hospital, naligo sa sariling dugo, nakursunudahan daw pero ang totoo napagkamalan pusher ngunit ang pinakatotoo wala ni isang nagsalba sa taong wala namang ginawa kung hindi magpasaya.

Sa mundong ginagalawan ni Ogag, naiintindihan siya ng mga nakapaligid sa kaniya ngunit sa mundong tinatawanan niya siya lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili niya. Walang masamang intensyon si Ogag sa mundong sinisilungan ng iba’t ibang klase ng tao pero ang tingin natin sa katulad ni Ogag ay isang taong maaring gumagawa ng may masamang intension.

Sana sa bawat patak ng dugo ni Ogag gumawa ito ng malilit na alon, Mula sa maliit ay papalaki nang papalaki hanggang sa maging maimpluwensiya. Sana ang mga hindi na babalik na ngiti ng binatang si Ogag ang gumawa ng sunod-sunod na paggalaw sa dating walang imik na eskinita. Isang maliit na patak na uukit ng mga mas malalaking alon. Para wala nang magpapaalam nang mali at magpapasalamat sa pagkakamali. Para malaman din ng lahat kung sino si Ogag at sino ang tunay na Ogag.

Kalahok ang akdang ito sa Saranggola Blog Awards 12 – Maikling Kuwento Category

https://culturalcenter.gov.ph

[thedauntlessmundane]

Hello world,

Naalala ko lang yung ex boyfriend ko dati nung college ako, HS classmate ko siya. LDR kami before sobrang hirap pero umuwi siya once, yun lang pag kikita namin. Na sa ireland siya. Ako sa pinas. Siguro kung di kami LDR or naging patience ako, kami pa siguro.. wala lang napapaisip lang. Gusto ko lang basahin convo namin kaso wal na ako copy ng convo namin. Sad. Pero naalala ko nung sinurprize ko siyang puntahan sa kanila pag dating nya. Napapangiti at napapaisip lang ako. Share lang. thoughts lang to ha. Byeeee

Alam ko, oo na. Kasalanan ko na at hindi na pwede.

Bye world 🌎 👋🏻