#abused men

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Contrary to popular belief; life as a male is not always to live it on easy mode. From the day many are born, to the day they die, it is often to live a life of vulnerability, violation, disadvantage, and neglect. Whether it’s the needless infant circumcision of babies on day zero, the way boys are left behind in western education, how they are so often sexually violated in adolescence, the unique vulnerabilities in adulthood, or lack of rights in fatherhood; the many issues that plague boys and men live in darkness. They are not under the public spotlight of political campaigning, or public ire. They are not picked at by think tanks, researched by academics, or fought for in the trenches of advocacy. The spotlight of awareness for boys and men is switched off. And as a result, not only are these issues not addressed, but worse, we are led to believe that they simply aren’t there at all. But just because something can’t be seen, or isn’t spoken about, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Because they do. And our failure to advocate boys and men, and worse, to attack those who do, will surely be a black mark on our history. What’s left until then is to keep playing the game. To watch boys and men run the gauntlet of life alone; where they stumble, fall, get up, fall again, are forgotten about, and too often tumble into the abyss. The kind hand of society is not reaching out to help them, but is instead clenched angrily, jutting out an accusatory finger: this is your problem boys, and yours to solve. --

Sources: [1] https://tinyurl.com/9tskxsjm [2] https://tinyurl.com/nju98uza [3] https://tinyurl.com/47jb6d8v [4] https://tinyurl.com/jx2pm4du [5] https://tinyurl.com/ha4wn35z [6] https://tinyurl.com/axyar97w [7] https://tinyurl.com/y4v2a5oc [8] https://tinyurl.com/5bb487zv [9] https://tinyurl.com/4jvhjpun [10] https://tinyurl.com/3e9zb6za [11] https://tinyurl.com/5axymffe [12] https://tinyurl.com/ytp5x6k2 [13] https://tinyurl.com/hka8jcf2 [14] https://tinyurl.com/227bjd7j [15] https://tinyurl.com/4kdvjj3v [16] https://tinyurl.com/29zj3p39 [17] https://tinyurl.com/5n77cvt7 [18] https://tinyurl.com/yc2j8zmd [19] https://tinyurl.com/2u8hu46c [20] https://tinyurl.com/dsek9t7c [21] https://tinyurl.com/ytp5x6k2 [22] https://tinyurl.com/286wez4u [23] https://tinyurl.com/4svu7szk [24] https://tinyurl.com/3cy4sznu [25] https://tinyurl.com/bdh8hc4m

Look at all that male privilege.

[overtlydinosaurian]

MYTH #14: There are just as many abusive women as abusive men.

MYTH #14: There are just as many abusive women as abusive men.

Abused men are invisible because they are ashamed to tell. There certainly are some women who treat their male partners badly, berating them, calling them names, attempting to control them. The negative impact on these men’s lives can be considerable. But do we see men whose self-esteem is gradually destroyed through this process? Do we see men whose progress in school or in their careers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining? Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Where are the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about the ones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their way or cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’re rare. I don’t question how embarrassing it would be for a man to come forward and admit that a woman is abusing him. But don’t underestimate how humiliated a woman feels when she reveals abuse; women crave dignity just as much as men do. [Emphasis mine] If shame stopped people from coming forward, no one would tell. Even if abused men didn’t want to come forward, they would have been discovered by now. Neighbors don’t turn a deaf ear to abuse the way they might have ten or twenty years ago. Now, when people hear screaming, objects smashing against walls, loud slaps landing on skin, they call the police. Among my physically abusive clients, nearly one-third have been arrested as a result of a call to the police that came from someone other than the abused woman. If there were millions of cowed, trembling men out there, the police would be finding them. Abusive men commonly like to play the role of victim, and most men who claim to be “battered men” are actually the perpetrators of violence, not the victims.

In their efforts to adopt victim status, my clients try to exaggerate their partners’ verbal power: “Sure, I can win a physical fight, but she is much better with her mouth than I am, so I’d say it balances out.” (One very violent man said in his group session, “She stabs me through the heart with her words,” to justify the fact that he had stabbed his partner in the chest with a knife.) But abuse is not a battle that you win by being better at expressing yourself. You win it by being better at sarcasm, put-downs, twisting everything around backward, and using other tactics of control—an arena in which my clients win hands down over their partners, just as they do in a violent altercation. Who can beat an abuser at his own game?

-Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That

Women crave dignity just as much as men do.

This is something I think is incredibly important. The suggestion that men are somehow less likely to want to come forward out of embarrassment is ridiculous, implying that women aren’t also feeling humiliated, feeling degraded, and feeling dishonored/dishonorable. In the same way you can tell if a woman is being abused without her reporting it officially, you would be able to tell for a man. Abused men and abused women aren’t different "diagnosis” with entirely different experiences, it’s the same definition and they’re often showing the similar symptoms of abuse. Pretending like it’s an entirely different epidemic that is going fully unnoticed and uncared for is dishonest, and frankly, making it harder to talk about male on female abuse with all these other “but-”s and “if-”s about men. This isn’t to suggest men aren’t abused, but I am saying to stop treating it as if male victims somehow feel MORE disgraced or undignified after their abuse than women. You’re indirectly implying that men should feel more humiliation about their abuse because abuse is supposed to happen to women, and not men.

[gay-otlc]

Actually I think we should talk about how incredibly fucked up it is for sapphic women to say shit like "I'm no better than a straight man 😔" when attracted to a woman in a way that isn't 100% pure and wholesome, or act like men's attraction to women is inherently dirty, predatory, or objectifying.

[ghostbsuter]

"I did not think I'd ever use it like this," the boy muttered next to batman.

It was comically, with the police and ambulance lighting up the entire area.

Danny, being himself, had gotten curious and accidentally busted a human trafficking ring, which ended up with batman and his kids (?) doing the fighting and the police being called.

"Son, solving crime doesn't mean you didn't trespass and break into someone's property, I will have to take you back to the station—"

"I have diplomatic immunity."

Officer Gordon stood still for a moment, progressing.

"You can't really, err— put me to prison." The boy took his phone out, stopped at a picture, and showed it to the officer and batman.

The vigilante confirmed his identity with a jerky nod, and Gordon is pinching his brows.

"Son– no offence your... majesty, why are you in Gotham of all places?"

The boy now identified as Daniel Phantom, prince of the other and currently the reigning monarch of another realm.

In gotham.

"Okay, so," Danny coughs, embarrassed. "I'm on university search and gotham had this really cool space science programm. I really wanted to see it."

—

(Once they checked his papers and got his statement, did they let him leave to his hotel + some of his squad going along for protection measure.

Gordon heaved a sigh, "We can be glad it wasn't the joker. That would have made headlines." and slumb in his seat.

Batman grunts, a sound the officer knows too well.

"You're gonna look out for the kid?"

Another grunt.

"Good, because Gotham help us all if that kid gets hurt.")

[hadesoftheladies]

i know we joke a lot during misandry hours, but the fact of the matter is men aren't inhuman. they do have convictions and conscience. they do have love and compassion. they are capable of immense kindness, thoughtfulness and empathy. they are very often curious and intelligent.

the difference is they don't think of women as having any of those things hence don't extend the moral consideration they would extend toward "fellow human beings". they genuinely view women as animals. and how do they view animals? as primitive. infantile. not as evolved or cultivated. mostly mindless hence mostly incapable of suffering. they don't have as much mind and their "self" is weak, so there is no memory or centralized experience, no history to the individual woman.

the same way a man can have a dog and slaughter a screaming chicken is the same way he can be a loving husband to his wife and still rape an underage girl. it's how they've all lived for so long that it's not contradictory to their behavior.

so him being nice to "his women" isn't proof you're safe with him. him demonstrating any virtue to others still isn't proof you're safe with him. him being devout to a "kind loving god" is not proof you're safe with him. him humouring you on anything isn't proof you're safe with him. him being gnc is not proof you're safe with him.

his humanity does not mean he sees you as human as well. it is nowhere near a guarantee. please understand this.

[lobotomyladylives]

Actresses being tortured on the set by male directors is a massive historical and present day scourge of the film and TV industries and it's really SO common when you look into it. like from Kubrick terrorizing Shelley Duvall (and only her) on the set of the shining to Tarantino strangling Diane Kruger until she passed out to Hitchcock replacing fake birds with real birds after Tippi Hedren rejected his advances (in order to scare and physically injure her as a punishment for not fucking him) to James Cameron almost literally drowning Kate Winslet to an actress on GOT being waterboarded ten hrs straight to get like a minute of footage to Brando improvising an unscripted rape scene on the last tango in Paris set with the directors permission that ended up traumatizing Maria Schneider (in fact quite a lot of the gratuitous, graphic rape scenes in film were included for the sadistic pleasure of the male directors at the expense of the actresses).

The list goes on and on and I could seriously talk for ages about how revolting it is that these men still have active careers bc the industry just tolerates it. No piece of art is worth inflicting this disgusting and unnecessary abuse on actresses (and it's ALWAYS the actresses isn't it, never the actors. Hmmm wonder why). We call these men auteurs and geniuses but they're really just pathetic abusive sacks of shit. I want to impale every male director who behaves like this and I want their rotting corpses displayed as a part of the universal studios tour.

[003misogynistfrench]

Do your worst girls

[classycookiexo]

I completely agree

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

This post originally appeared on Reddit

My "Aha Moment" happened because of a package of hamburger meat. I asked my husband to stop by the store to pick up a few things for dinner, and when he got home, he plopped the bag on the counter. I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized he'd gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat - which means it's 70% lean and 30% fat.

I asked, "What's this?"

"Hamburger meat," he replied, slightly confused.

"You didn't get the right kind," I said.

"I didn't?" He replied with his brow furrowed. " Was there some other brand you wanted or something?"

"No. You're missing the point, " I said. "You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20."

He laughed. "Oh. That's all? I thought I'd really messed up or something."

That's how it started. I launched into him. I berated him for not being smarter. Why would he not get the more healthy option? Did he even read the labels? Why can't I trust him? Do I need to spell out every little thing for him in minute detail so he gets it right? Also, and the thing I was probably most offended by, why wasn't he more observant? How could he not have noticed over the years what I always get? Does he not pay attention to anything I do?

As he sat there, bearing the brunt of my righteous indignation and muttering responses like, "I never noticed," "I really don't think it's that big of a deal," and "I'll get it right next time," I saw his face gradually take on an expression that I'd seen on him a lot in recent years. It was a combination of resignation and demoralization. He looked eerily like our son does when he gets chastised. That's when it hit me. "Why am I doing this? I'm not his mom."

I suddenly felt terrible. And embarrassed for myself. He was right. It really wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly package of hamburger meat that he dutifully picked up from the grocery store just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didn't know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, "Yeah. I guess we'll make do with this. I'm going to start dinner."

He seemed relieved it was over and he left the kitchen.

And then I sat there and thought long and hard about what I'd just done. And what I'd been doing to him for years, probably. The "hamburger meat moment," as I've come to call it, certainly wasn't the first time I scolded him for not doing something the way I thought it should be done. He was always putting something away in the wrong place. Or leaving something out. Or neglecting to do something altogether. And I was always right there to point it out to him.

Why do I do that? How does it benefit me to constantly belittle my husband? The man that I've taken as my partner in life. The father of my children. The guy I want to have by my side as I grow old. Why do I do what women are so often accused of, and try to change the way he does every little thing? Do I feel like I'm accomplishing something? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. Why do I think it's reasonable to expect him to remember everything I want and do it just that way? The instances in which he does something differently, does it mean he's wrong? When did "my way" become "the only way?" When did it become okay to constantly correct him and lecture him and point out every little thing I didn't like as if he were making some kind of mistake?

And how does it benefit him? Does it make him think, "Wow! I'm sure glad she was there to set me straight?" I highly doubt it. He probably feels like I'm harping on him for no reason whatsoever. And it I'm pretty sure it makes him think his best approach in regards to me is to either stop doing things around the house, or avoid me altogether.

Two cases in point. #1. I recently found a shard of glass on the kitchen floor. I asked him what happened. He said he broke a glass the night before. When I asked why he didn't tell me, he said, "I just cleaned it up and threw it away because I didn't want you to have a conniption fit over it." #2. I was taking out the trash and found a pair of blue tube socks in the bin outside. I asked him what happened and why he'd thrown them away. He said, "They accidentally got in the wash with my jeans. Every time I put in laundry, you feel the need to remind me not to mix colors and whites. I didn't want you to see them and reinforce your obvious belief that I don't know how to wash clothes after 35 years."

So it got to the point where he felt it was a better idea — or just plain easier — to cover things up than admit he made a human error. What kind of environment have I created where he feels he's not allowed to make mistakes?

And let's look at these "offenses": A broken glass. A pair of blue tube socks. Both common mistakes that anyone could have made. But he was right. Regarding the glass, I not only pointed out his clumsiness for breaking it, but also due to the shard I found, his sad attempt at cleaning it up. As for the socks, even though he'd clearly stated it was an accident, I gave him a verbal lesson about making sure he pays more attention when he's sorting clothes. Whenever any issues like this arise, he'll sit there and take it for a little bit, but always responds in the end with something like, "I guess it just doesn't matter that much to me."

I know now that what he means is, "this thing that has you so upset is a small detail, or a matter of opinion, or a preference, and I don't see why you're making it such a big deal." But from my end I came to interpret it over time that he didn't care about my happiness or trying to do things the way I think they should be done. I came to view it like "this guy just doesn't get it." I am clearly the brains of this operation.

I started thinking about what I'd observed with my friends' relationships, and things my girlfriends would complain about regarding their husbands, and I realized that I wasn't alone. Somehow, too many women have fallen into the belief that Wife Always Knows Best. There's even a phrase to reinforce it: "Happy wife, happy life." That doesn't leave a lot of room for his opinions, does it?

It's an easy stereotype to buy into. Look at the media. Movies, TV, advertisements - they're all filled with images of hapless husbands and clever wives. He can't cook. He can't take care of the kids. If you send him out to get three things, he'll come back with two — and they'll both be wrong. We see it again and again.

What this constant nagging and harping does is send a message to our husbands that says "we don't respect you. We don't think you're smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, you'll be called out on it swiftly and without reservation." Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, he feels like nothing he can do is right (in your eyes). If he's confident with himself and who he is, he'll come to resent you. If he's at all unsure about himself, he'll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable, beneficial outcome to you, him or the marriage.

Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I'm sure there are untold numbers of women who don't ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, I'm sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don't think of it as a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didn't display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car? He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders? He just said, "We can just order a pizza." The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain? "Accidents happen," was his only response.

I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and he'd made those mistakes.

So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn't he bite my head off when I don't do things the way he likes? I'd be a fool to think it doesn't happen. And yet I don't remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesn't seem he's as intent as changing the way I do things. But why?

Maybe I should take what's he always said at face value. The fact that these little things "really don't matter that much to him" is not a sign that he's lazy, or that he's incapable of learning, or that he just doesn't give a damn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind — and justifiably so. They're not the kinds of things to start fights over. They're not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesn't make him dumb or inept. He's just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And it's why he doesn't freak out when he's on the other side of the fence.

The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He's not my servant. He's not my employee. He's not my child. I didn't think he was stupid when I married him - otherwise I wouldn't have. He doesn't need to be reprimanded by me because I don't like the way he does some things.

When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him. He's intelligent. He's a good person. He's devoted. He's awesome with the kids. And he does always help around the house. (Just not always to my liking!) Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, he's always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know I'm not alone in this.

If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean "do things differently than us"), then eventually they're going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they'll actually come to believe those labels are true.

In my case it's my husband of 12+ years I'm talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family.

He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computer's operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it won't stop running. I can't (or don't) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He's a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn't deserve to be harassed over little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Since my revelation, I try to catch myself when I start to nag. I'm not always 100% consistent, but I know I've gotten a lot better. And I've seen that one little change make a big improvement in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed. We seem to be getting along better. It think we're both starting to see each other more as trusted partners, not adversarial opponents at odds with each other in our day-to-day existence. I've even come to accept that sometimes his way of doing things may be better!

It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing he does that's not to your liking. Ladies, remember, it's just hamburger meat.

==

What socially acceptable abuse looks like.

[kthulhu42]

Petition for men to be silent at all times

[cyarskaren52]

[savvisaylor]

The feminine urge to use and abuse some loser incel that's never felt the touch of a woman is intense…. Having some pathetic loser, clean my car, do my homework, suck my tits, and let me use him as a human dildo just so I'll acknowledge him is so fucking sexy🙈

[trans-androgyne]

“Me hating men isn’t radfem behavior! TERFs don’t even actually hate men, they just hate trans women.” Radfems would beg to fucking differ!! They most certainly hate men, and they will tell you so with pride. Have you ever actually heard from a radfem? They think all men are inherently predatory and dangerous and should be kept as far away from women as humanly possible if not outright be killed. Yes, they hate trans women the most—because they conceptualize them as men mocking and harming “real” women. That doesn’t mean they aren’t also misogynistic towards trans women; they are. That also doesn’t mean they don’t team up with cis men against trans people sometimes; they do. But if you look into it literally at all you will immediately see that radical feminist ideology hinges on blaming not just the structure of patriarchy but individual men for the oppression of women. If coming to terms with that makes you uncomfortable, sit with that for a while and figure out just how comfortable you are with bio- and gender-essentialism.

[coochiequeens]

So glad she got away from the dude. And the church coming out to support her instead of just pleading for her to stay because...... "divorce makes Jesus sad" is a pleasant surprise.