#all the stress made me lose an unhealthy amount of weight

[oasisr]

If you're a cancer survivor, there is a side effect of treatment that many people are not aware of.

And, the side effect that I often think is the change that has taken place to my hormones, leading to weight gain.

I follow a few tags here on Tumblr that pertain to weight loss and working out because I love being inspired by others. But, it is disheartening seeing ED content.

I can say that in the past year, I have tried losing weight in unhealthy ways to no avail.

What actually helps me lose weight after chemo and being on Prednisone (a steroid) is lifting weights, walking, swimming, and going on the stair machine at the gym. I also had an active job this year too, which involved me working in a very fast-paced role.

Yes, it turns out that working out and moving around a lot throughout the day burns a lot of calories. I also try to limit my sugar and keep a rough estimate of how many calories I'm consuming at a healthy amount.

As a short woman (5'3), I limit my calories to about 2,000 a day, and try to burn about 300 or more calories through walking and working.

This has helped me way more than restricting and being on a strict diet. I eat what I want within reason and enjoy my life. I try not to stress out over food, but I still eat mainly healthy, whole foods.

I see ED posts on here about girls who cry because their moms made them dinner. That is just so sad.

We are here to love life and enjoy food. Our experiences are a blessing.

In conclusion, my hormones have changed a lot since chemo. And, being active and eating healthy is the only thing that allows me to lose weight. Restriction does not work with my current metabolism at all!

[eazy-group]

Jacqueline lost 22 pounds

New Post has been published on https://eazydiet.net/jacqueline-lost-22-pounds/

Jacqueline lost 22 pounds

Transformation of the Day: Jacqueline shares how she lost 22 pounds. She switched from unhealthy/non-affirming habits to lots of self-care and sustainable lifestyle changes. She is also determined to break a generational cycle of diabetes and heart disease.

Social Media: Instagram: @queeniebeenie94

The person on the left was not in the most positive state of mind. She didn’t like pictures being taken of herself. She would avoid looking at herself in the mirror. She didn’t feel like herself. She found herself dealing with stress in rather unhealthy ways. Needless to say, she was uncomfortable and unhappy. One day, she decided enough was enough and did something about it. She decided to prioritize self-care (physically, mentally, and spiritually) and stop treating her body like a dumpster. Now, she’s slowly becoming herself again. 

TLDR: I’ve spent the last nine months unbigging my back and understanding the importance of self-care. So far, I’ve lost close to 25 pounds.)

What was your motivation? What inspired you to keep going, even when you wanted to give up? My motivation to better myself came when I noticed that I would do things such as avoid looking at myself in the mirror every time I walked past one. I also realized I handled stress by emotionally eating and noticed I looked like I had aged despite being in my 20s. 

There was one particularly bad day when I just broke down because of how unhappy I was. I was at an all-time low, so I decided to do something about it. I stopped treating myself like I didn’t deserve self-care and have never looked back. 

When times get tough, I try to remind myself of my “why.” I’m on this path because I know I deserve to feel good about myself. I also remind myself that every day I stay on this journey, I’m breaking the generational cycle as both sides of my family have a history of diabetes and heart disease (my grandfather passed of a heart attack at 40 years old). 

How did you change your eating habits? What helped was that I absolutely LOVE to cook. I also sought help from my nutritionist. I simply started swapping things out (i.e., subbed 1/2 a portion of rice for riced broccoli) and being mindful of nutritional information.

I wanted to make sure that the food I was preparing tasted good because that’s the only way I’m going to maintain this habit of eating healthy. There were recipes I found on various Instagram pages that helped me out! I also made sure that I was eating a substantial amount of protein. 

Most importantly, as someone with a sweet tooth, I found substitutions that helped me with my cravings! Yasso ice cream bars have been a lifesaver. 

What is your workout routine? I go to a local gym that focuses primarily on strength training and squeezes in some cardio exercises! On light/rest days, I walk my dog around the neighborhood. 

How often did you work out? I work out 4-5 days a week. It’s become an emotional outlet for me! 

What was your starting weight? In the picture on the left, I was 203 pounds.

What is your current weight? My current weight is 181 pounds. 

What is your height? I’m 5’3″

When did you start your journey? December 2022. 

Is weight loss surgery part of your journey? Weight loss surgery is not part of my journey. 

What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far? The biggest lesson I learned was to give myself grace when things aren’t going exactly to plan. Progress is very rarely linear. Remaining consistent and being patient is going to pay off in the long run. 

What advice do you have for women who want to lose weight? Be kind to yourself. It is YOUR journey. Make sure that the changes you make are sustainable. Remind yourself of your why when things get tough. Remember to celebrate the non-scale victories such as having more energy or if your clothes are becoming looser.

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[wellschooledheart]

Disappointed / Balance

I'm trying to cut down on my meals lately. It's one of the reasons I made this new tumblr, because I feel like talking about it, but it'll just disturb everyone else. Nobody likes to hear about how much or how little you're eating. If you're eating too much, just eat less. If you're not eating enough, just eat more. It's all the same and I get tired of it, because I understood already.

I'm addicted to sweet drinks and of course that was the main factor of my weight gain. I eat the normal amount and rarely ever snack. If anything, I eat less than a lot of people, because I always chose half portion of rice. I don't do exercise. I hate it. I hate how my body moves but if I want it to move better, I'd have to start. It doesn't make sense (it does).

For the past two days, I managed to skip my meals and change it with something without rice. It works, I think? Someone commented on it. Today, though, I wanted to eat, so I went to a cafe and ordered. And I hate that I did. I could've wait it out until tomorrow and tomorrow I'll wait it out until the day changes and then I won't have to eat at all. I'm disappointed in myself. It makes me want to drink something sweet. And that brought me to the second topic.

When I get sad or stressed, I'd want to drink something sweet and nice to comfort myself. My logic went like this: I'm already miserable, so why not have a little bit of fun? Now, the point is to not consume anything unnecessary (and some necessary things). However, when I get too happy, I would think that it's time to reward myself for doing well and I'd drink a sweet drink.

My current problem is finding out how to balance my mood so that I'm depressed enough to avoid rewarding myself, but not too depressed that I'd take the sweet drink route to make myself well enough to work. For a week now, it seems to work. But just then, I ate.

I have a functioning logic. I know that avoiding meals isn't good and wouldn't be enough to lose weight. I know that continuing to avoid meals will be unhealthy for both your body and mind. My logic knows, that's why it told me that eating is not bad and steered my bike towards this cafe.

I don't have to like that it won, though. I should just... not eat. I can handle it, I know I can now. I can stand to lose this meal. So why did I do it? I'm a little bit angry at myself.

I know that eating is good and not eating is bad. I just want the selfish part that doesn't want to eat to win. But I've always been weak.

Some would probably praise people for eating, but they don't know that I don't need it. I ate a lot. I ate the normal amount, usually. It's not out of place of me so I don't need a positive reinforcement to do it. Someone should berate me for eating. Should tell me I'm doing great after missing my meals. But it's not a good thing, so nobody will praise me for that.

That might be the point, that it's not a good thing. I don't need good things. This is actually a punishment. I won't try to pretend that avoiding my meals is a good thing. It's bad, and I want it to happen to me.

[rosemary-writes]

I can’t, I’m so sorry

(David x Female!Reader)

AN: this story is basically me just ranting about my experience over the past two weeks. It’s very hard going through the grief process and I wanted to share my experience through my writing. This story is kind of a self insert but I still like it

Warnings: swearing, mentions of death, losing a loved one, grief, mourning, crying, unhealthy habits, recollection of memories, soft!David, maybe out of character David, general sadness, mentions of a cemetery, vampire powers.

Word count: 3.8k

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ANY OF THE ABOVE WARNINGS

“I like to pretend that you ran away, that you’re living on an island and have a garden and a dog and that your brothers drop by to bring you groceries and books and that you are very happy and free.” - S.C. Pacheco

It happened so quickly. No one saw it coming, but then again, does anyone ever really see death coming?

You were preparing for finals. It was the last two weeks of your first year at college and you had been studying non stop. You were going to end this year with a bang and have a great extended summer without worry in your head.

Then, the phone call happened. It was so unexpected. Dad called and asked if you were alone. Thankfully, your psychology class was on a five minute break and you were out in the hallway. Dad immediately said that he didn’t know how to break it to you gently so he was just going to say it. Following his statement, he told you how your great grandmother had a stroke and she had about a day to a month to live. The hallway stood still and the chatter of classrooms ceased into nothing.

Tears had welled up in your eyes and began to flow down your face. Nothing stopped them as your dad kept telling you about everything that happened. Your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and even your mom went to the hospital to see her. It was a two hour drive. Your dad had said that your mother was going to bring you home when all of your classes were done, for the day, so you could be in an area of comfort. The only reason he said that was because the history of your mental health wasn't the best at all. The previous two weeks were spent being in bed because the stress of school began to weigh heavily in your chest.

The weight in your chest had lessened over the past few days but the news of your great grandmother brought it back. Your face was red as the tears kept flowing from your eyes. Dad said he loved you before letting you hang up. Your whimpers and scattered breathing echoed in the hallway. Hot tears dripped from your chin and onto your sweater as you ran into the bathroom. Thankfully it was empty and you were able to let out your cries. The yellow lights flickered as you fell to your knees. She was your only great grandmother and she loved you greatly. Everyone told you that you were special because you were her eldest great granddaughter. The passing quote in your head practically made you scream out in confusion and upset.

Many minutes passed before your psychology teacher burst into the bathroom. She found you on the floor, face wet with tears. Immediately she came to your side and began shushing you while wrapping her arms around you. The only words you could cry out were “She’s dying and I’m not there.” After that, the day fuzzed into nothing. Your close friend had to come and get you for your other classes. She told your teachers how you were leaving early in the week because your great grandmother was dying. Thankfully, your teachers understood and gave you extensions on every assignment that was late.

Later in the evening, your mother came to get you. The car ride was very quiet and so was the weekend. It was spent with you occasionally crying while listening to your family plan her funeral. It was also spent with you remembering your childhood in her house.

The smells and sounds lingered in your mind constantly. Sometimes you’d hear the ghost of her grandfather clock when you couldn’t sleep.

Sadly, you couldn’t sleep most days. A week came and went and you were in the start of your finals week. It was three days filled with exams. Tuesday was the first day of exams. Thankfully, there was only one exam. When class was over, your teacher asked to speak with you. She gave you an enormous hug and told you that you passed her class. With tears forming in your eyes she told you that your great grandmother would be very proud. After that, she wished you the best in life and you went back to your dorm with your close friend.

As if on cue, your phone rang. When you picked it up you immediately could tell it was your dad. He told you that your great grandmother passed in her sleep early that morning. You knew this news was coming but no amount of preparation could prepare you to hear that. Tears fell from your eyes as he told you to get through the next few days before moving out and coming home. You both said, “I love you.” before hanging up.

Later that night, you cried until the sun gently arose over the tall evergreen trees. The next few days were spent in a daze. Your friends comforted you and told you that they’d always be there for you as you cried and wanted to go home. You took your exams and packed up your room and left the college. You were so happy to leave with your mother and go home for the summer. However, the shadow of grief clung to your skirt the entire time, even as the evening turned into night and then stretched into morning.

With sad eyes, you had looked into the mirror as you applied your makeup and got dressed for her funeral. The dress you wore was long sleeved and it just about touched the ground. You sighed. It was going to be a long drive through the flat farmland to get to the town of your childhood. When your family got to the old cemetery, your father told you that it was a beautiful day for her to be laid to rest.

And it was. It really was. The sun was shining, there were no clouds, and the gentle breeze turned your warm tears cold. Birds and butterflies fluttered around the graves and danced with each other. Even as the priest recited the carefully picked words, you thought of how it was a beautiful day. When he was done speaking, your mother held you as you cried. She let go when she began to cry uncontrollably. Your younger cousins came to your side and wept with you as you walked amongst your sleeping ancestors and extended family.

At the end of the funeral, you tearfully kissed her headstone goodbye and whispered to your great grandfather that you know they're happy now, laying side by side. When you got into the car to go back to Santa Carla, you cried until you dozed off under the warm afternoon sun.

Before you had left for the whole ordeal, you called David and told him about everything that had happened. He knew that your great grandmother had a stroke and that your whole family was stricken with grief. He also knew that you had never experienced grief or the process of mourning. So, he made a promise that when you came back he would stay by your side. You gave a huff into the payphone as he told you that he would do anything to ease the process. Before hanging up, you asked if it would be okay if you could stay at the cave for a couple of days. He told you yes and that he loved you before hanging up.

When your family finally got back to the house, you immediately fled to your room. Your parents didn’t want to bother you so they left you alone. They didn’t know that you were going to spend a few days at the cave. Infact, they didn’t know you were dating David. Your parents just thought he was a college friend.

Grabbing a bag, you began shoving clothes into it. You grabbed a few necessities and put those in there as well. When you figured you had everything, you heard David's bike outside. However, before you left, you noticed your great grandmother's ring on your dresser. It was given to you on your sixteenth birthday. It was an heirloom that was passed down from your great grandmother. When she first saw you wearing it, she had complimented how you reminded her of her younger self. While looking at the ring, your hand flew to the pearl choker that was resting around your neck. They were hers as well.

You grabbed the ring and slipped it on your ring finger before leaving. Your parents must’ve gone to bed because the house was dark and their bedroom door was shut. In the kitchen, you pulled out a notepad and wrote down that you were going to be with friends for a few days.

You left your house and noticed David was at the end of your driveway. He had a cigarette in his mouth and he was looking at your neighbors house.

“David.” you called gently. His head whipped towards you and a smirk appeared on his lips. His fingers came up and took the cigarette from his lips. When you walked to him, he gently pulled you close and gave you a quick kiss. When you pulled away, his hand came up to your cheek. You looked up at him in the moonlight and could see that his face was laced with concern as his eyes studied your face.

“Hop on kitten, let’s go to the cave.” he said, as his hand fell from your face. You got on behind him and when you wrapped your arms around him he began to drive through the night. Usually, you would be happy and laughing with David as he drove erratically to get you excited. He loved hearing you shout as he would go over hills but tonight was quiet. Of course he knew why. You were grieving and he wasn’t expecting you to do any of that. When you asked to stay at the cave, he was honestly surprised.

However, part of you felt like you needed to shout and laugh. You had mentally prepared for her death for a week and now it was hours after the funeral. Part of you begged to be left alone with your ever changing mind and the other part wanted to be with David in his arms as you two laughed and talked trash about the people of Santa Carla.

Instead, your face was resting against his back as he drove to the cave. The night was clear and the moon was bright. In the serenity of the night you closed your eyes. Your eyes were irritated at how much you had been crying and you hoped that tonight David wouldn’t see you cry. He had never seen you cry and you wanted to keep it that way. You always stayed happy and energetic around him. Sometimes you could hear David whisper that he loved your spark when he thought you were asleep. He didn’t know that your great grandmother repeated the same thing many years ago.

You sighed as you felt David’s bike slow to a stop. Opening your eyes, you saw that the both of you were at one of the entrances to the cave. He parked his bike next to the three others and turned it off. Carefully, you unwrapped your arms from him as he got off. As you got off, David offered his hand and you took it. When you stood next to him, hand in hand, he kissed your forehead. You smiled at the affection and he led you down into the cave.

“I know you won’t mind but, me and the guys are going to go feed when you get inside. I’ll change my clothes before coming back” David said, as he led you through the tunnel. You hummed and looked ahead at the gentle glowing light ahead. In the main area of the cave you could hear the noises of the other boys. David’s grip on your hand tightened as you came to the steep slope that led to the main area. The first time he brought you here, you slipped going down. You smiled at the cherished memory as you carefully walked down. Thankfully, this time you made it to the bottom.

“Hey David, hey Scoob” Marko said, looking up as you and David walked into the main area of the cave. You scoffed as David let go of your hand.

“How many times do I have to tell you to not call me that?” you asked, as David walked over towards the others. Marko gave you a teasing smile as Paul came from god knows where. Dwayne followed after him and the two joined the others.

“Anyways, I think you guys should get a move on. I can tell you’re antsy.” you said. David was breathing a bit more heavily than usual and you knew that was his body telling him to eat. Without word, the boys turned and walked away to one of the many exits. As the others ascended into the night, David turned to look at you. It was his way of saying goodbye but you also knew he was asking a question.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” you said, grabbing your bag. Without speaking, he too turned away and followed the others.

You sighed as you watched him leave. It wasn’t your first time alone in the cave. Sometimes, they would go out and feed while you slept and you’d wake up in an empty nest. But, right now, you needed to be alone to just breathe. So, you went down one of the hallways to your little sanctuary. Months ago, you found a little safe haven in the depths of the cave. It was your little room and it was filled with things you found and liked. As you walked down the dim path, you could see the curtains in the doorway. Carefully, when you stood in front of them, you pushed them aside and stepped into the little safe haven. It was dark, but thankfully you had candles in different places around the room. Setting your stuff down on the bed, you grabbed your lighter from your dress pocket. You carefully lit the candles and adjusted them to keep from scorching other objects.

When you were finished you plopped down onto the mattress that was covered in blankets and pillows. You didn’t know how long it had been since you last slept. The nights were spent with you crying until you couldn’t but by morning, you were ready to repeat the whole cycle.

It sucked. Grief wasn’t supposed to be like this. Many people told you that after a few days, everything would go back to normal. Well, you wanted the feeling to go away immediately. You hated this neverending feeling of sadness. It was like a child clinging to their mother’s skirt.

One of the worst parts of it all was the day going through your head. You couldn’t stop thinking about her funeral. Was this normal? To constantly think of the funeral? Was it also normal to cry so much? You just couldn’t understand the whole grief process at all.

Gently, you got up from the mattress and walked over to the old mirror that David found for you. The candles in the room gave your features a warm glow in the mirror. You looked at your face and how it changed. You looked different. The shadows under your eyes had darkened and your eyes looked irritated. Glancing down to the pearl choker, you felt your throat tighten. The words of the past week began to echo loudly in your head.

She wouldn’t want you to fuss over her.

Even the brightest stars have to dim.

She loved you. She loved you greatly.

Then the tears came. They came so fast that you were honestly scared by them. They fell down your face as a sob escaped your mouth.

It wasn’t fair. None of it was. The pain in your body felt amplified as you sank to the floor. The worst part of it all was you couldn’t stop thinking of her. The way she kissed your cheeks when she saw you and when you left. The way her hands gently ran through your hair as you slept in her lap as a child. How she would sneakily give you chocolates after Christmas dinner and not tell anyone. Her mischievous smile flashed in your mind and it only made you cry harder. Why, why, why? Why did she have to die?

______

From the entrance of the cave, David stood still. Your sadness had reverberated through the cave like a loud radio. He couldn’t hear you but he felt the grief. Slowly, he walked to your room. He had forgotten how grief felt. It was a horrible feeling that he never wanted to experience again. However, he wanted to comfort you the best he could. As he got closer to your room, he could hear you. He heard the rapid beating of your heart as you let your emotions out. When he stood in front of the curtain, he hesitated. Would you want him in there?

David brushed the thought aside as he remembered that it was your first time with grief. He could practically smell the confusion and anger from your tears. Quickly, he opened the curtains and stepped into your room. On the farthest side of the room, you were leaning against the wall as you were trying to catch your breath. Your face was red and wet with tears. The eyeliner you wore was smudged around your eyes and David could see where it had trailed.

When you had calmed down just a little, David cleared his throat. Immediately, you turned around and met his still face. He held no emotion as he looked at your tragic form.

“Get out.” you said, quickly wiping your face. David did not move from his spot. Instead, he walked towards you.

“David, get out! I don’t want you to see me like this!” You yelled, as you turned away to shield yourself from him. He said nothing as he came behind you and wrapped his arms around you. It was so gentle that it almost didn’t seem like David. Again, you tried to say something else but it died on your lips. Instead a whimper came out as you fell to the floor and David gently fell with you. He kept your back pressed against his chest as you kept crying.

“I-I’m sorry.” you mumbled through your tears. David’s face nuzzled your neck as you wept uncontrollably.

“It’s okay. I’m right here.” he quietly said against your skin as you kept trying to steady your breathing. After a few minutes, you had calmed down enough but tears still kept falling down your face.

David listened as your heartbeat kept getting calmer by the minute. It was a soothing sound to him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking at your face. You scoffed, “No, but I’ll live.” you mumbled quietly. David hummed at your response.

“David, I hate this.” you stated with a sniffle. He perked up at your words and listened carefully.

“I hate everything about grief, I hate the confusion, I hate the sleepless nights, I hate the crying and I-” you cut off the sentence as you tried to not go into another crying fit. Taking in a shaky breath, you continued, “And I hate that I don’t know what to do. This whole process fucking sucks.”

David sighed and kissed your cheek. “You’re still in the early stages of grief. It’s confusing and it’s scary to go through. Especially by yourself.” he explained calmly, “One of the best things you can do is try to think of all of the good things that happened in her life. I detest seeing you this way, but I know it’s something you have to go through.” he finished.

You sighed and wiped your face, “But, why does it have to hurt so damn bad?” you asked, turning to try and look at his face. David moved back so he could look you in the eye.

“It hurts because you lost someone you loved. Your mind can’t understand how life will be different without her. Eventually, you’ll understand how to live life like before and carry on again.” he replied, calmly.

His eyes fell to the pearl choker around your neck and his hands moved to take it off. You didn’t object to the feeling of his cold hands as they fumbled with the clasp. Carefully, he took it off and moved to set it somewhere else. “Lets move to the mattress, hm?” David suggested. You nodded and the two of you got up and went to lay down together on the mattress. Instead of laying next to you, David was sitting next to you.

You closed your eyes when your back hit the soft blankets. It was comforting but you didn’t want to sleep even though your body was begging for it. You were just scared of what you would dream of.

“Would you like me to take off your ring?” David asked, holding your hand up to his face. You quirked your eyebrow at him. “Why would I need to take off her ring?” you asked sitting up. David rolled his eyes, “You don’t want it to fall off while you sleep. It might get lost.” he said, meeting your gaze.

“Uh, it won’t get lost while I sleep because I’m not going to sleep.” you replied, moving your hand away from his.

David scoffed at your words, “Kitten, this isn’t up for debate. I know you haven’t slept in days and it’s not healthy for you.” he argued, moving his hands to your face.

“David, I don’t need you to tell me what to do.” You declared. He looked down at you. His eyes were serious and you could tell that he was getting annoyed with this conversation.

“You are going to sleep and I don’t care if you refuse. I’m going to do this anyways” he said, finally. Before you could answer, you slipped into a deep sleep. Your body fell back onto the mattress and David was satisfied. He didn’t like using his vampire powers on you but, he felt like this was necessary. He looked down at your hand and carefully pulled the ring off. David got up from the mattress and set the ring down next to the pearl choker. He looked down at your sleeping form and smirked before laying down next to you. Tonight, all would be well for a while.

[eggluttony]

So I was thinking about the Sonic X anime and I realized Eggman probably put on a lot of weight going to Earth because Earth has a lot more fattening and delicious food than Sonic's world

Oh my god you're right, mans somehow already got HUGE from whatever he was eating in Sonic's world, so when he discovers all the great food of the second world, combined with his greediness in his desire to eat so much and how he insists he needs more food and calories than the average person... ohoho yeeesss. Now it's making me wonder just how fat and heavy he'd be if realistic, as he was clearly way larger than game Eggman and the number would really climb up even higher when he gets even fatter. Gotta be way off the charts if he were to step on a scale 😳 He'd break all of them fjsjsbkgsffhsh

I can see him being extremely eager to try anything and everything when it comes to food on earth because it's all so new and exciting to him. Like how he'd carelessly walk around in public not caring who saw him so he could get books from the library and stuff, he'd definitely be sure to visit a lot of stores, restaurants, and fast food places too. He naturally ordered alarmingly huge meals and stocked up on heavy amounts of food that can only begin to start to fill up his huge stomach, so he made sure to get plenty. He grabbed all kinds of interesting snacks and foods and drinks and ingredients for meals and didn't consider how healthy they'd be.

With the first lot of snacks and meal he ate in this world, he didn't intend to eat until he felt like he might burst. But he was very hungry and a bit stressed after the ordeal of being sent here, it all tasted so good, and the excitement of trying more kept him going, so he got carried away and couldn't stop until his stomach was bulging full. Even though he was panting and belching and his engorged gut was gurgling unhappily when he was done, he couldn't help but sigh happily because of how wonderful it all tasted, how good it feels in his belly, how his nerves from being in this strange place were effectively calmed, and how he felt so full and satisfied.

That was just the beginning and during his whole stay, I doubt he could be trusted to control himself around food. His robots tried to manage it but his cravings and desire to try more persisted and his habits gradually got worse with binges becoming much more common. It was what he does to fulfill his body's basic needs, when bored, to feel better after defeats as he found new comfort foods, and what he would do for pleasure. He was eating way too often and eating too many snacks between meals so on any day he doesn't keep himself busy, he ended up feeling immensely bloated and full after eating way too much all day.

He became addicted to the delicious unhealthy and fattening food sliding down his gullet and filling up his huge belly and it never stopped being a thrill to have endless great foods to stuff himself with to his heart's content. He doesn't think about it being more fattening because he never did in the other world but didn't have to as much because the stuff there was more natural and healthier- though he still got fat there because he overeats and doesn't exercise enough- so he loses control in a world where tons of unhealthy and large amounts of food come so easily to him hehe. He gradually starts to get heavier and bigger but it's hard to notice at first because he's already a very big man.

He'd eat things like huge meals, pizzas, and cakes and other desserts that can feed multiple people in one sitting because it's what it takes to satisfy him, not just for his size but also huge appetite and greediness. The amount of food he can pack into his huge belly is already alarming and he insisted on eating more on top and it was like he couldn't stop because it's such an exciting and pleasurable experience, he got lost in the blissful state of being stuffed with so much good food and inviting even more into his belly. Sometimes he didn't stop eating until he can't move but somehow still thought about what delicious food he'd eat for his next snack or meal.

Sometimes he went out to eat at multiple restaurants, fast food or otherwise in one day, his belly getting fuller and fuller with each visit. Of course he didn't actually get to sit inside any because a giant like him couldn't fit in those seats in the first place lol but he eats it all in his Egg Mobile. He can't get enough of all the glorious food and he pushed himself as far as he could to make sure none of it went to waste which he sometimes felt was a challenge but not too long after, he'd find himself pulling up to the next place for food. There were so many endless possibilities and options in every place, he couldn't help himself wanting to take good advantage of it and enjoy himself!

I like to imagine that the real Eggman would order stacks of pizzas and cake and other treats just like this, which is what got Bokkun to do the same while disguised as him:

Same goes for this, he really would rob bakeries and candy stores at night:

Something about him getting an enormous amount of food that he couldn't possibly eat without literally exploding but still trying to eat as much as he can until he's at his very limit... 😍

Also, I like to think that when he got out of prison after failing to feel full from the prison food, he went and ate everything in sight at home because all the wonderful food he had stocked up tastes even better after the disgusting slop he had to eat in prison but still demanded more just so he could fill up his belly anywhere near enough to the amount he feels he needs. He doesn't have to worry about that anymore and wants to celebrate so he eats and eats and chugs a few cans of beer until he's certainly comforted as his feelings of anger and stress are replaced by total pleasure and bliss but he was also left moaning and panting for breath because he seriously overdid it and was so full and bloated. That's certainly sure to have an impact.

He'd also sneak to the kitchen or maybe even out some nights for a thrill and ends up with a very very full belly after eating as much as he could, he couldn't believe himself sometimes but laying back with a huge bloated belly stuffed to the brim just feels so good. His robots overheard him loudly eating and humming with delight, mindlessly and uncontrollably stuffing his face with more. They entered a few times to catch him with food all around his mouth and crumbs on his clothes while he clutched his already stuffed belly from dinner and moaned and belched as he stuffed his face with more. It's so arousing and his gluttony and greed completely takes over, for a while he's out of control.

He loves that stuffed taut feeling and all the great food he was trying and getting addicted to but he doesn't ever consider the damage it can do to his body and he later comes to regret it. It certainly does some serious inevitable damage as his robots acknowledge all the gradual changes over time during all this that he didn't notice at all. His clothes got tighter, bodysuit creaking and jacket zipper and buttons looking incredibly strained more than ever, he was starting to take up more space in doorways, in seats, and in his bed, looking especially wide, his belly kept getting bigger and bigger, which was shocking with how big it was already as the giant he is.

They were appalled at the size of his huge belly sitting heavily between his legs and gave a look of judgment every time they had to bring even more food he's demanded. He still seems oblivious and stuffs with gusto every meal and enjoys rubbing his huge belly after. His gut becomes enormous, his tits are too big to be held back by his jacket and bodysuit so they show through, his fat ass too as his round ass cheeks are defined, and his face has plumped up with chubbier cheeks and a noticable double chin. He looks like a true massive blubbery fatass, so heavy and waddling around, fat thickly wobbling and jiggling. With the pressure against his bodysuit, it looks he might burst out any moment.

Sonic and friends notice and swear he's a bit fatter every time they see him and he seems to get out of breath just from talking and barely moving and robots try to tell him not to overexert himself, which is concerning for them and embarrassing for him. They wonder what's gotten into him but it's not hard to guess as he adds a snack compartment to his Egg Mobile and mindlessly grabs some and eats, as if he can't live without constantly feeding his big belly. With how he stuffs it in, they can only imagine how he eats in private. And when he gets back after a defeat, he gorges on tons more for comfort. The more times they defeat him, the more they contribute to his weight gain.

He didn't seem to understand why he's getting so big and he's in denial. When he learns about how he's supposed to manage the calories, he refuses to cut down and says he needs all these calories because his brain burns up millions, even though everyone else can see thousands of those calories certainly haven't been burning, so much is turning into fat that piles on and mostly goes right to his big fat belly! And the truth is he just can't seem to stop eating, he clearly isn't really thinking about how many calories he's consuming every time he finds himself forcing more food into his full belly until he's an overstuffed belching mess that can't move.

He gets lazy because it's hard work getting up, standing, and walking around when carrying all this heavy fat. He gets too fat for his smaller seats, barely squeezes into doors of ships/mechs and seats, he pops buttons, breaks zippers, and splits his bodysuit open, other clothes tear and ride up. He gets comments and teasing from his cheeky robots and Sonic and friends make jokes too, he's so embarrassed. He gets extra defensive and snaps at people that make comments and on days he's especially sensitive, he goes quiet and pouts and blushes hard and later he's gulping his new favorite ice cream from the tub after a big dinner to feel better.

It was impossible to hide his enormous big round belly proceeding him greatly whenever they commented on it and teased him. When he was in deep denial he'd snap and get angry but as he slowly started to realize as he got bigger and heavier and the consequences started setting in, he got more embarrassed and offended. He ended up in front of the mirror struggling to clothe himself, out of breath and stuck as his clothes tear and buttons pop, or shirts ride up and pants cut in and he looked at his wide fat body in the reflection and thought "what have I done to myself?" as he held his huge belly and tried to ignore the heat that rushed between his legs when he rubbed, patted, and shook it.

So he eventually ends up squeezing into his old hoodie and sweatpants that have gotten too small after really blowing up and he tries to start exercising to lose some of the weight. It's an incredibly tough challenge with his huge fat belly bouncing around and how heavy, lazy and sluggish, and out of breath and achy he gets during it, along with how he'd get teased relentlessly by his robots like I got into a bit here hehe. This post will get too long if I ramble on about it but I also really need to talk about the concepts of the process, struggle to exercise more and lose weight, and the humiliation in future posts because it really gets me going 👀💜💕

[sugakookielix]

BTS Reaction: Their S/O is Insecure About Their Weight

Prompts:  Reaction to their gf being insecure about her curves, please? Especially her belly and her pretty large thighs/hips?

&

reaction to finding out that their s/o is really insecure about their weight and is doing harmful diets?

Requested? Yes

Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: Insecurities, mentions of harmful diets/eating disorders

Gender neutral reader. Gifs are not mine! 

AN: I combined the two requests as they were similar, I also changed the request to gender neutral, but it can still be read as female reader. Please read the warnings! If you are sensitive to them please do not proceed. Also, these are way longer than they should have been and are pretty much mini imagines. 

Masterlist

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Kim Namjoon:

You had always stopped by BigHit on your way home from work/school to check up on him and make sure that he was eating. Due to this, Namjoon had assumed that you were taking care of yourself the same way you cared for him. He never realized how you never ate with him, how you always brushed it off saying you weren’t hungry, or how you seemed to be getting thinner by the minute. It was only when one of the other members brought it up to him that he truly noticed. You had stopped by his studio with food, as you normally did, and were getting ready to leave when he gently grabbed your wrist. 

“Have you eaten yet Baby, why don’t you stay and eat with me?” You forced yourself to smile at him and shook your head. 

“No thanks, I’m not hungry. Besides, you need it more than I do.” Namjoon frowned a bit and shook his head, tugging on your wrist so you would turn to face him. 

“You say that every night, why don’t you want to eat with me?” The hurt look he gave you made you immediately feel guilty, trying to think of a way to explain yourself. 

“It’s not you, I just haven’t had much of an appetite recently,” you admitted, hoping he would leave it at that. Of course, he didn’t, instead standing and leading you over to the couch so you were sitting facing each other. 

“Alright, what’s going on?” he asked, “you keep denying meals saying you’re not hungry, but it’s clear that you’re not eating. Don’t you know how unhealthy that is?” You looked away, trying to hold back your tears as he rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb. He wasn’t rushing you to speak, but you knew he wouldn’t let you leave without an answer. 

“It’s just, I’ve been gaining weight recently and I really don’t like the way I look so I thought if I dieted that I could change that.” Namjoon was silent as he let go of your hand, which made you even more nervous, before pulling you into a tight hug.

“Baby,” he cooed, “it doesn’t matter that you’ve gained a little bit, you are still the most attractive person I have ever seen. If you want to lose weight then I’ll support you, but you need to do that through proper diet and exercise, not by starving yourself.” When he felt you nod, he smiled and kissed your head. “I love you! Now, let’s eat!” 

Kim Seokjin:

Jin noticed your changes immediately, given he would often be the one to cook for the both of you. He noticed how you would barely touch your food, or push it around to make it look like you ate more than you actually had. At first, he had been hurt thinking that you didn’t like his cooking. However, he soon noticed that you never really ate anything, maybe having a piece of fruit for a snack but that was it. It soon became too much, and Jin was desperate to get to the bottom of it. That night, he made your favorite dish, knowing that it would be impossible for you to reject it. Sure enough, he saw how your expression went from pleased to distressed as you only took a few bites before forcing yourself to stop. 

“Alright,” he exclaimed, causing you to jump, “what is going on?”

“What do you mean?” you asked, trying to play innocent. You knew Jin had picked up on what you were doing, but you had hoped he wouldn’t question it. 

“You know exactly what I mean!” he scolded, “for the past week you have barely eaten anything. At first I just thought that you didn’t like my cooking but now it is obvious that something is going on. So why exactly are you starving yourself?” You looked down at your hands for a moment before speaking. 

“Isn’t it obvious? You’re Mr. Worldwide Handsome, you’re tall and fit and could have anyone you want. Meanwhile I just look awful, I’m not fit and my thighs are huge and-” 

“Alright, enough of that!” cut you off as he sprung up from his chair and walked over to you. He pulled your own out so you were facing him before placing a hand on your chin to make you look up at him. The way he was looming over you and his expression made you sink into your chair a bit. “Y/N L/N, you are a beautiful person. You are not fat, you are perfectly healthy, and I will not sit here and let you harm your body like this. I don’t know what possessed you to think these things but starving yourself is only going to make you sick. I fell in love with the way you are and I would never want you to change, understand?” You nodded slightly, not trusting your voice. “Now, you are going to finish your dinner and then we are spending the whole night cuddling. I will not take no for an answer.” 

Min Yoongi:

Anytime you got insecure over your body, Yoongi would immediately be there to kiss you and reassure you that you were perfect to him. You always believed him for a bit, but there would always be something to drag you back to your insecurities. This time, Yoongi was not there to help you. He had been touring with BTS the last few months and had been too busy to really call and check up on you. You knew that he would be mad if he found out what you had been doing to yourself, but you didn’t want to trouble him either. He was stressed enough with performances and didn’t need your insecurities weighing him down either. Instead, you would lie and assure him that you were eating and taking care of yourself whenever he called. Since he didn’t have much time to really confirm or question you about it, he just assumed you were being honest with him. You had managed to lose a fair amount of weight while he was gone, but you still didn’t feel attractive enough. As you stood, only in your underwear, in front of the mirror, you still felt disgusted. 

“Come on,” you whined, pinching and pulling at your stomach, “all of that dieting and I still look massive.” Unfortunately, since you were too focused on trying to lose weight, you forgot that Yoongi was finally coming home from tour. You also didn’t hear the door open, or notice your boyfriend standing in the hallway until you saw him walk up behind you. His arms snaked around your waist while his head rested on your shoulder, pulling you against him. You didn’t have to say anything, the look in his eyes said it all. Just from the sight in front of him, he knew what you were doing and he was upset. Mad at himself for not noticing sooner, and mad at you for lying to him. He wishes you would have told him what was going through your mind. 

“You know I love you right?” he whispered, “and you know what I see when I look at you? I see the most beautiful person I’ve laid my eyes on.” He ran his hand across your waist as he spoke, watching your expression through the mirror. “Every part of you is perfect, and you don’t have to change anything. I’ll tell you as many times as I have to before you believe me. So please, don’t do this to yourself.” Tearing up a bit, you turn and wrap your arms around his neck, kissing him softly before pulling away. 

“Thank you, Yoongi.” 

Jung Hoseok:

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

“Come on Jagi, it’ll be fun!” Hoseok had been trying to get you to come to practice with him all morning. You two never got to spend any time together, and he figured this was a good solution. Not too mention the fact that he has been wanting to teach you to dance for a while. You always promised him that you would go when the time was right, but now you seemed to be backing off. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to spend time with your boyfriend, but you were insecure about going to practice with him. All of the members were really tone and fit, especially Hoseok, but you were a bit more on the chubby side. Especially in your legs, which you knew would be more obvious if you tried to dance. Of course, Hobi didn’t know about this, and you didn’t intend for him to know. 

“Look, maybe next time, but you should probably get going before you’re even more late.” Hoseok frowned a bit, dropping his bag as he walked over to you. 

“You’ve been saying that for months,” he whined, “why don’t you want to hang out with us?” You shook your head, not wanting to argue about this anymore. 

“I just don’t want to! You’ll be better off without me holding you back anyway.” you had muttered the last part to yourself, but he still managed to hear it. 

“Hold me back? What are you talking about?” he asked. 

“Don’t you get it Hobi? I can’t dance. I’m not as fit as you and the guys are and I’ll look like a joke compared to the rest of you!” He stood there in shock as you tried to control your breathing. Realizing that you had just snapped at him, your expression immediately softened, “Look I didn’t mean to-” Hoseok cut you off by pulling you into a tight hug, you resting your head on his shoulder. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, “You’re fine the way you are, and there is no reason for you to compare yourself to us. If you feel uncomfortable and don’t want to dance then I won’t force you too, but I think that you will really enjoy it if you try. At least come watch us dance though? I still want to spend time with you.” Sighing softly, you nodded. 

“Alright fine, let’s go.” 

Park Jimin:

Jimin wasn’t dumb, he knew what you were doing the moment you excused yourself from the dinner table early, saying that you weren’t feeling well. He knew what you were doing when you would only eat small bites when he was looking and then throw away the rest of your food when his back was turned. He knew, because he had done the exact same thing. Jimin knew how stressful beauty standards were, and the pressure to always look your best. The harmful diets that many idols were forced to go on in order to keep their perfect figure, and the negative effects that come as a result. You had just recently debuted as an idol, and it seemed you were falling down that same rabbit hole. 

“Hey Y/N,” Jimin had a break so he decided to come visit you at practice, shocking you and your members, “hope you guys don’t mind if I watch?” 

“Not at all,” you said, clearly out of breath as you leaned against the wall for support.  Right away Jimin noticed how sick you looked, barely managing to stay awake and extremely pale. It worried him, but he trusted that you knew your limit so he didn’t say anything. Something he immediately regretted when you stood up and started practicing again. You didn’t even make it to the chorus of the song before you collapsed, hitting the ground hard. Jimin was by your side in seconds, helping you sit up and making you lean on him for support. 

“What were you thinking? You could seriously get hurt doing this,” he sighed a bit and ran his hand through his hair, “we’re going to get you something to eat and then you’re resting for the rest of the day. You need to eat from now on, no arguments.” 

Kim Taehyung:

Taehyung knew that you were actively trying to lose weight, but he didn’t exactly know how you were doing it. All you told him was that you had started dieting, and assured him that you would take care of yourself. You didn’t want him to worry about you, and you knew if he found out how little you were eating that he would. It actually took Tae awhile to realize just how thin you were getting. He didn’t get to see you in person often due to his comeback and couldn’t see you over text messages. Meaning that, when he finally came home and saw just how sick you looked, he freaked out. 

“Jagi, when is the last time you’ve eaten?” he asked, holding you at arms length so he could take in your figure. You paused for a second before answering. 

“I had a protein shake this morning.”

“That’s not enough,” Tae shook his head, “when was the last time you had an actual meal?” Once again you paused, giving him his answer. Taehyung sighed before pulling out his phone, dialing a familiar number. 

“Who are you calling?” you asked. 

“Jin-hyung, I’m going to ask him if he could make a nice dinner for us.” Your eyes widened and you started protesting, but he ignored you as he continued the call with his hyung. Only when he hung up the phone did you speak. 

“Why would you do that? I told you that I was on a diet!” you raised your voice in frustration, while he just gave you a sad look. Both of you stood there in silence as he waited for you to calm down, pulling you into a hug once you finally did. 

“Starving yourself is not a diet. If you want to diet properly then I will help you, but it hurts me to see you looking like this, it’s not healthy.” You wanted to argue, but the sad tone of his voice stole your words. Taehyung pulled away enough to look at you, his eyes holding all of his emotions back, “Stop hurting yourself, please.” 

“Okay.” 

Jeon Jungkook:

You and Jungkook made a habit of working out together whenever you could. Sometimes you would work out at the gym together, or other times you would just go for a jog around the block. It was something you both enjoyed and it allowed you to spend time with your hard working boyfriend. Normally, Jungkook would tone down his routine a bit so that you could keep up, knowing that you were not able to handle the more intense routines. Recently though, he noticed that you had been pushing yourself a lot more. You would constantly try to out run him, or use the same machines as him, clearly trying to match his pace. Which was alarming given the fact that you weren’t as experienced with these things as he was. Eventually, after seeing you almost hurt yourself trying to do too many pullups, Jungkook decided to confront you. 

“Y/N,” he said softly, “you’re going to hurt yourself if you keep pushing your limit. What is going on?” Realizing that he had caught on, you decided that it would be best to just be upfront with him about it. 

“Why are you with me Jungkook?” That was not what he was expecting, so it took him a moment to process what you just asked. 

“What?”

“Why are you with me?” you asked again, “you are so fit and handsome, there are millions of people who would do anything to be with you. Meanwhile, I’m over here looking like I’m constantly bloated. I am bigger than you are and can’t even keep up with a simple jog so why even bother.” Jungkook choked on his water, needing a second to catch his breath before he kneeled down in front of you. 

“Y/N, I don’t know what made you think all of that but I can assure you it’s not true. You’re not bloated, and you’re not unfit, and so what if you’re a bit heavier than I am? You still work out and stay active, and you eat well so you’re healthy and that’s all that matters. If you want to try and do more, then you need to ease into it or else you’re going to do more harm than good. Trust me.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind the way I look?” you asked hesitantly, making him laugh a bit. 

“Are you kidding? I love the way you look, no matter what size you are. I promise I would never leave you over something like that, ever.” The second you looked up and your eyes met his, you knew he meant every word of it. 

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Requests: Closed

Commisions: Open (check the link in my about)

Follow me on Twitter @/Sugakookiebiased

[completeotometrash]

Stressed Out (Ikesen Kenshin)

@nad-zeta asked: Hi hi love! Eeeeep! Its been a while since ive spammed ya box🥺🥺❤❤ hehehe! I see your requests are open so i just had to jump! Low key been feeling super down lately and crushed by all the work that needs to get done....... so here i am to ask for some fluff and bunnies to ease the soul❤❤❤❤❤ hehehe could i pretty please request a mc x kenshin comfort fic🥺🥺🥺 lol one where mc has been over working to the max and needs a little break❤❤😳🥺🥺 hehehe if ya need anymore detail or inspiration feel free to dm me😳😳☺☺

Love ya lots! Sending hugs!❤

___________

Ah, Zeta! I love seeing you in my askbox so much <3<3<3. You’re the cutest. I hope you are doing ok??? You better not work yourself too hard or I’ll come over there and suffocate you with my love. D: Or perhaps I will anyways, it’s quite tempting.

Anyways, this came much softer then I intended. But I must say, I’m quite happy with it ^^. Bunny boy fluff onw~!

Word count: 1.4/5k

TW: None

Reader has she/her pronouns

Tired.

Kenshin had noticed the dark circles under her eyes, the way she began tying up her hair more instead of combing it, not changing as often. He watched as the smile on her face changed to only a meek grin, how the light in her eyes seemed to crease. Her energy was draining on the daily, her bones seemingly heavy like weights by the way she walks. He looks outside, watching as the sun begins to descend from the horizon.

To tell the truth, she had not been feeling like herself lately. There was so much to do after she properly moved to Kasugama. She had become more well-known and offered to complete more sewing commissions. It seemed as if there was never any time, and if there was, it would quickly slip from her fingers. She would find herself not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings, let alone put on a fake smile for other’s pleasure. Her eyes skim across the velvety fabric in her hands, dropping it with a defeated grunt.

Setting her needle to the side, she rubs her forehead, dragging her hand down to rub her eyes. The weight of everything was beginning to crush her, it was suffocating. She was slowly losing the passion and inspiration she once felt when making clothing. Trying to find the fun in something when it becomes overwhelmingly urgent is nearly impossible.

She had not even noticed the sound of the door opening behind her, or the footsteps that followed. Shakily she inhales, head drooping downward. Her throat is dry, her hands began to shake from the tension in them. Everything had begun to crumble out of control.

When a strong pair of arms wrap around her shoulders, she gasps with surprise. Her heart races in her chest, threatening to explode. A familiar hand traces her arm gently, bringing her a slight sense of relief. Hot breath tickles the sensitive skin on her neck, lips pressing there.

“You need a break. The sun is coming down and you’ve been working since this morning.”

Kenshin’s voice is sultry, deep. It holds so much intensity that she almost melts into her chair. She wants to lean into his touch, let him take her away so that she never sees a needle again. But her actions differ from her thoughts. Straightening her posture, she cringes at an error she notices she made in her stitching. “I will later, I messed up here; the thread will be visible when wearing if I don’t fix it.”

She can feel his glare even without seeing him. His displeasure radiates off his body in an almost radioactive way. “The stitching can be done at another time, come with me.” His command makes her grimace.

“But it can’t… I promised that it would be done by tomorrow and they’re paying me for it. If I cancel now, what does that say about me as a person? I want them to buy my clothes more in the future, they are nice people. I only need a few more hours and I’ll be finished.” She lifts her needle yet again, pulling out her previous stitches from before. She had previously decided that she wanted to start making money for herself instead of just lending some off of Kenshin is she would be living in the Sengoku.

Standing up straight himself, he turns and looks around the room. Multiple different kimonos hang around them, each made by her with high amounts of precision and skill. It had been so long since they’d been intimate with one another, this was the most he’d even talked to her all day. He kneels at her side, paying attention to her hands.

He of all people knows what it’s like to consume yourself with something. For many years, his entire life was revolved around war and training. Nothing else mattered to him. At the time it seemed ideal, but looking back at it, he knows it was all just pure misery. An unhealthy way he chose to cope.

The woman he loves needs help- it became clear to Kenshin that it was his turn to do so.

He takes her palm in his own, clasping it gently with his calloused fingers. He notices how red hers have become. He rubs them gently, and she doesn’t stop him. She feels as if she cannot, for, the relaxation that encases her body is too much to deny.

She’s missed his touch; it’s been far too long.

Without saying anything, he takes the things from her lap, setting it to the side. She cranes her neck around in circles, closing her eyes. In an instant, strong arms are reaching out from under her, lifting and pulling her against his chest. She feels a tinge of guilt for giving in, but the ever-growing exhaustion triumphs all. She wraps her arms around his neck loosely, letting him take her away.

He sets her down in a chair, and she can hear him begin to pour water into a tub. Her eyes open and watch. “Oh, Kenshin, you don’t have to-”

“I want to.”

Her eyes begin to water as he helps her slip out of her clothes. She gets in the tub, letting the water sooth her tense muscles. Kenshin joins her shortly after, pulling her close to him. They sit there in silence for a while, he washes her thoroughly, wiping away all the stress he can. His hands soothingly glide against her neck, back, and anywhere else he senses even the slightest discomfort.

And finally, she presses a kiss to her temple, resting his head against her shoulder. “What’s been going on?” His question is clear, voice deep as he whispers in her ear. She didn’t know how, but it was as if everything began pouring out of her in that moment. She could feel the hot tears stream down her cheeks, ones he wiped away with the gentlest of touches known to man as she began to explain everything.

She told him about the pressure she feels and the guilt that lingers when she thinks of disappointing everyone. How she’s started to become repulsed by the thought of sewing, and that waking up and getting out of bed has become a difficult task. At one point, her gentle cries became full on sobs, her body shaking more and more.

Kenshin only pulls her close, listening to everything she needed to say before speaking himself.

“I love you with all of my heart, ___. I’d die for you. I need you to know that you do not need to work yourself so hard to make yourself useful. You are perfect, and if anyone ever makes you feel any different, then I will need their name so that I can kill them.” The seriousness in his last statement makes her shiver.

He continues, “Please do not overwork yourself. We will get through this, together. I don’t want you being so stressed out. You deserve a break, and to never feel this way again.” Kenshin takes her chin in his hand, “I am amazed with how strong of a woman you are. You are so strong, for that matter, that you make me stronger. I want to do the same in return.”

 She is truly left speechless. Kenshin was never the verbally affectionate type- or the best with words at all, for that matter. And yet, here he is, speaking from his heart. She turns around properly, looking into his eyes. They seep with love and intensity, boring into her soul. He adores her with his entire being, as he always will. The look alone stirs a warm feeling in her chest.

His tender lips crash into her own, pressing the softest of kisses there. Her mind goes blank as she hugs him tightly.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

Being lifted back to their shared bedroom, he lays her onto the futon, pushing her hair out of her face. She smiles, but this time, it’s genuine. Her mind and body feel light again, she feels as if she is unstoppable. Although, she becomes slightly confused when he walks to the other side of the room, opening the door to the garden.

Suddenly, a large flash of white, black, and brown fills her vision. Balls of fluff topple onto her freshly cleaned body. Little noses tickle her sensitive skin, a fit of giggles escaping her lips. All the small furry companions only seem to be spurred on by this, laying on top of her like a warm blanket.

Kenshin can only bring himself to smile at the scene, watching her burst into yet another hysterical fit of laughter. He decides in that moment that there is absolutely nothing better than seeing her smile, and regardless of what it would take, he would always seek to find it.

[thinata]

so basically i decided to stop wasting my life with my ed.

(i'm french so english is not my first language that's why u can find awkward grammar and spelling mistakes :) )

i’m trying to recover step by step. i tried a lot of things but obv it wasn’t real solutions, all i did was to relapsed and convincing myself that starving was a good thing and food is a problem. i want to eat to live not live to eat. i like cooking though but i want to stop spending my whole day thinking about my next meal or next workout.

i want to go out with people without stressing about the fact that we’re gonna order food and that i wouldn’t know the exact calories in it. i want to spend a day doing nothing but still eating the same amount of calories i did during days i had a workout. i want to make plans for my future, not a future around food or the way my body looks. a real future about my goals and ambitions. i want to become someone for myself first and then for others. and all of this is possible only if i trust my body. and i want to trust it.

i will still try to lose weight but more in an intuitive kind of way. no restrictions. no calories counting. no over exercising. no “fast day” aka starving day. i know since the day i got my ed that the habits i built weren’t sustainable. i lost weight, but i regained all the weight and even more because when i wanted to start living a real life i couldn’t. because i had no energy. no real goals over the fact i “want to be skinny”.

i know how it feels to be skinny. i weighed 42kg (92 pounds) for 168cm (5’6) . i could wear any clothes. fit in size 0 jeans with a belt. but besides that i wasn’t happy. my hair were fucking damaged. i fucked up my knees (bc i used to run and lifted weights). i lost my period -i was happy at first but it just cause a major hormonal imbalance in my body-. my acne got worse too. i was always tired -trying to function properly on caffeine u know-. i cancelled so many plans with my friends bc “i wouldn’t be able to workout if i met them that day, and i would have to eat more than i’m supposed to”. i love sports since i’m a kid and even though i was working out every day i didn’t get stronger bc i didn’t ate enough. i was just burning fat, muscles and probably more. but at least i could control something. i didn’t get more friends though. i didn’t travel like i thought i would do because u know, i thought that if i lost weight i can “do anything”. i didn’t spend more time with the people i loved. i didn’t had “more time for my hobbies”. it was nothing like i expected except the fact that you could see my bones. all my life was controlled and plan around “food and burning calories”. and i know we are all different but i’m sure a lot of people will recognize themselves in it.

i’m posting this because maybe someone will found it and realized that starving and over exercising and any others unhealthy way to lose weight is useless. it will never makes you happy. never ever. because we are human beings and we need to eat. we live in a society where body image put a lot of pressure on people (especially women) but it’s the same society where hanging out and eating with friends makes us feel better and create memories. food is not dangerous and it's everywhere and i believe that everything in life is about finding a balance.

also. maybe my body is not made to have a thigh gap, but he’s made to have strong thighs because i’m someone who love walking and hiking and swimming and running and discover the world. he’s also not made to have sharp collarbones but he’s made to have really strong shoulders bc i’ve been swimming since i’m 6yo and i’m really grateful for it. if a part of our body can’t be like we wish it would even after STARVING and killing ourselves it’s for a reason !

anyway, and then after 9 months of “fake happiness” thinking that being skinny would make me feel better, i took all the weight back (and more :) ) .

my relationship with my parents especially my father was never good. i don’t wanna go deeper into the matter (that's for another story) but to be short, just imagine the worst things in a human being : that’s my father. i’m almost 22 and i finally cut ties with him and i’m living by myself FOR myself. why i’m saying that? because i think that’s when everything change for me that i choose to truly recover. and the environment you are in is really really REALLY important. you can’t grow up mentally and physically if you are surrounded and controlled by toxic people. - life’s not easy, i’m trying to found a proper job because i can’t depend on my parents anymore for the money (actually my father did everything for me to depend on him financially so i could never live by myself, but i have friends who are housing (?) me and i could never be enough grateful for it.)

i’m someone who hates to depend on others but sometimes you have to put your ego down to become the person you truly want to be. and i know it’s a temporary situation.

anyway back on the topic! since i’m far from those toxic people i decided to recover. i post an update about my weightloss yesterday and yes i did lost weight since i’m in this new place (understand : healthier environment). like i said some of my unhealthy thoughts and habits goes back to the surface sometimes but it's a part of the process. that's why i'm gonna run another blog about recovery.

i'm gonna keep this one though. it's my last post and i won't reblog anything else. the reason i'm not deleting it is because i wan't people to see that i've been there too. i reblogged and posted unhealthy things. i had unhealthy goals and got inspired by things that are not me and could never be me. but it's okay because you can't fix a problem if you don't aknowledge it.

ily <3

[i-wokeup-like-this]

Starting a new journey - Calorie Counting

This year I made it my objective to focus more on my health and mainly on my weight. For the past 7 years I gained weight constantly. I reached a point where I feel that if I don't do something about it there is going to be no return. No clothes fit anymore and each year I am increasing in size. I buy clothes each summer and by the next summer the clothes already don't fit anymore. I lose a couple of kg in the first part of the year and then gain it all back and more in the last part.

In 2022 I reached out to a nutritionist who made me a meal plan based on calorie counting and intermittent fasting. I've started looking into calorie counting and intermittent fasting to have a better understanding of what is going to be my lifestyle.

Calorie Counting

Calorie counting is the method of recording the calorie (or kilojoule) amount of each and every food and drink you consume every day. It can be done using a food journal, an app, or by simply recording the information on a spreadsheet. Alternately calorie-based meal plans can be prepared in advance and then followed exactly.

This guy made me a meal plan where I have to focus on eating 1500 - 1800 calories with the suggestion of eating around 1800 so that when I plateau for more than 2 weeks we can decrease the number of calories.

Each meal has everything calculated (carbs, protein, fats, calories). I only have to focus on buying the foods, measuring it, preparing it and counting it.

I also can follow a 80/20 rule where I can indulge into something I crave within the calories counted and within the timeframe set for fasting.

What I worry about is that I am an emotional eater, addicted to snacking, binging episodes. The question is how am I going to be able to overcome these hurdles?

1. Emotional Eating

Emotional eating is using food to make yourself feel better—to fill emotional needs, rather than your stomach. Unfortunately, emotional eating doesn’t fix emotional problems. In fact, it usually makes you feel worse. Afterward, not only does the original emotional issue remain, but you also feel guilty for overeating.

I always then do fall into eating unhealthy after a episode of some kind happens. Drama in the family, stress from work, disappointment in myself - all of these and more trigger in me emotional eating. Unhealthy food is so addictive - fat, processed, salty, sweet, crunchy unhealthy freaking food.

2. Binge Eating

Binge eating disorder typically begins in late adolescence or early adulthood, often after a major diet. During a binge, you may eat even when you’re not hungry and continue eating long after you’re full. You may also binge so fast you barely register what you’re eating or tasting.

I was reading the symptoms of binge eating. I don't think I ever read those before.

Inability to stop eating or control what you’re eating.

There have been so many times when if I get into my head that I want chips then I need to have chips. It always happens when I am alone. If I sit in the house with my boyfriend then I am fine. If for some reason I end up alone, then I will do anything in my power to get either some kind of junk fun - like really bad junky junk food or some kind of snacks that I've been craving.

Rapidly eating large amounts of food.

Once I get it I eat it all in one sitting. It's all gone. Fast

Eating even when you’re full.

I don't even have time to think about what I am doing to myself. I just need to finish everything I got.

Hiding or stockpiling food to eat later in secret.

If there is something I cannot finish, then I hide it. I've hid so many snacks. I don't want my boyfriend to know. I don't want anybody to know. I just need my fix and nobody has to know.

Eating normally around others, but gorging when you’re alone.

I eat normally when I am in a group of people but I stuff my face when I am alone or with my boyfriend.

Feeling stress or tension that is only relieved by eating.

Yes! Been there. Done that. I am starting to feel anxious and upset to the point of physical pain because I don't get chips. I know I can have chips anytime but at that moment there is nothing I can do to switch my mindset. I keep obsessing over it

Feeling numb while bingeing—like you’re not really there or you’re on auto-pilot.

Decorporealization - my body is just doing the actions. I am not there.

Feeling guilty, disgusted, or depressed after overeating.

Never once I felt good afterwards. Just felt like a blob.

Here is to a better year!

[slotheyes]

.

I, like basically everyone else, gained a significant amount of weight over the course of 2020. Having been in pretty great shape at one point in time not too long ago and knowing my own body i typically don't have too difficult a time losing weight in a steady and healthy pace. But I have made absolutely zero progress outside of regaining my lost muscle mass since I resumed working out in June. I try to stick to a diet, but everything is working against me. My boyfriend moved in and we have a new manager at work and between the two I am overwhelmed with unhealthy food options on a daily basis. I hate how hard it is for me to resist indulging after a lifetime of comfort eating, compounded by my work life being the most stressful it has ever been and being inundated by constant offers. Every single day. I feel like I'm being targeted. Like it's a game to get me to break whatever fucking semblance of a diet I try to maintain. I dont even do anything stupid like keto, I just watch my calories but it's never been this excruciating. I'm at my wits end. I have never had an ED but shit dude I dont understand how im not there yet. I dont want to be. But im burning out so fucking bad. Every step forward is two steps back. All I see in the mirror is my double chin and face the shape of a circle. Even on days where I feel good about myself I try to take a selfie and I cant because nothing is ever flattering. Im getting older and its all becoming more and more difficult and I just want to sleep for 10 years and never look at myself again.

[deliberatelyvague]

Spotlight (Asmodeus x fem!reader)

Started: April 5, 2020 at 7:42pm

Ended: April 5, 2020 at 8:50pm

Word Count: 2,030

Shipping: [Asmodeus x fem!reader]

Trigger Warning: cutting, eating disorder, (notes of) depression

Author’s Note: Uhh so here’s another one. I enjoy writing stories, so please, continue requesting!

Prompt/Request: OK SO IDK WHICH ONE I WANT TO REQUEST SO IM DOING BOTH. Can I request a mc x asmo scenario where mc is a super duper popular idol but it’s later revealed that in order to keep her beauty she develop an eating disorder and started to develop depression resulting in cutting her self?? Sorry for the weird ask!!

—————

You had always heard the saying ‘beauty is pain’. You didn’t realize how much pain it was, however, until you got down to the Devildom. Of course, you weren’t totally off Scott-free, your fans still expected some content, and you were in no place to deny them that.

Now, you loved the majority of your fans. They always backed you up, defended you and the link, but there was just somethings they couldn’t defend you from. Including yourself, unfortunately.

Getting famous started moderately fine, you went viral because of your singing videos, and you guess some modeling businesses enjoyed your looks and attitude enough that they asked if you could do some shoots. From then on, it was a whirlwind of sessions, meet and greets, starving yourself and self harming.

That last part was relatively new, and it was caused by some hate that you had received. Well, hate was to put it in modern terms. A tabloid had started rumors that you had gained weight, which wasn’t wrong (you were still growing and maturing, your body weight is going to fluctuate), but they stretched it beyond what it was and paired it with some terrible pictures taken with your guard down. It all mixed to create a terrible atmosphere, especially when other tabloids started to gossip about your weight as well.

Eventually it seemed that your weight was the only thing important. So, you started to cut down on food. You started to take walks and workout moderately regularly, and the results were almost instantaneous. You dropped a few pounds a week, your figure slimmed down and you had never felt better. But then, the opposite effect happened with the tabloids, talking about how much weight you had lost, but this time they were praising you. You loved that feeling, it’s why you continued singing and modeling anyway.

People called you beautiful and you thrived off the attention, which is probably why when you went to the Devildom you and Asmodeus hit it off so quickly.

You two were best friends within the first week you were there- and since he had a tendency of going partying after school and hanging out with other friends of his on some days, he never noticed how little you truly ate.

None of the other brother’s noticed, or you figured they didn’t.

But then something happened, you stopped losing weight as quickly as you had been. This sends you into spirals of anxiety, making you cut back more and more, exercise more. But it didn’t work. In fact, one week when you had weighed in, you had gained weight.

As you stared at that number flashing at you, the number that was only a pound above where it had been last week, you started sobbing.

Thoughts piled up in your mind about how you weren’t good enough anymore, about how your fans will leave you, about how Asmodeus would leave you. His friendship meant the world to you, and you would be lying if you told yourself that a friendship was all that you wanted from him.

But he was out partying with demons that were better than you, no doubt, ones that were skinnier, more confident, and yards better than you in everything.

In the back of your mind, you remembered the hater’s comments on some of your most popular songs, telling you about doing things to your body. You remember the tabloids gossiping about self-harm scars on popular actresses' bodies, and you thought about why they would do that. It’s said to be a pleasure source, something that makes the person doing it feel better.

You would do anything to feel actually, genuinely happy, for once, so before you even thought about it you had popped a blade out of the razor in the bathroom and pressed it to your hip. You almost never showed off your stomach, so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal.

You flinched away from the wound almost immediately, the pain coming in tiny spikes. But then, eventually, there was a bit of pleasure coming from it, watching little dots of blood pop up and drip down your hip and fall onto the ground. You cut yourself again, then once more.

You swallowed, breaking out of the trance the red lines had put you in before you realized that you needed to finish your homework. You cleaned up your cuts, sliding on a pair of loose-fitting joggers and a shirt you had taken from Asmodeus and padded over to your desk, sitting in the sodden chair, trying not to bother the cuts more than the pants would already. You quickly finished the homework, well as quickly as you could when every few minutes or so you would move slightly and the cuts would be agitated, and for a few quick moments you considered taking off your pants, but you didn’t know when Asmodeus would make his way to your room and come in without knocking like he usually did.

Though eventually you did change into some sleeping shorts, ones that almost fell off of your body, and that were practically bootie shorts.

“Doll, I’m coming in,” you heard Asmodeus’ voice through the door before he opened it. You were laying on your back on your bed, your head hanging off and your DDD in your hand.

“Asmo!” You called gleefully, his face immediately lightening your mood substantially. “How was the party?”

“It wasn’t as good as the one the other week, you remember that one, right doll? The one I forced you to come to.”

“Oh, yeah that one. I love that the first party you made me go to was also a rave. Go big or go home, right?”

“Of course! Now, Doll, what are we doing tonight? We could watch a movie and eat some unhealthy snacks?”

“Uh, we can watch movies, but I don’t really want to eat anything,” you told him, flipping around on your bed and sitting on your legs. He tilted his head and a frown formed between his two perfectly sculpted eyebrows.

“Oh? But Lucifer told me you didn’t eat tonight, you must be hungry?”

“No, I’m not really,” you assured him, but your stomach decided to betray you in that exact moment almost as if it was saying ‘don’t lie to him I am hungry’.

He looked from your stomach to your face with an unamused look on his face.

“[Y/N], he also told me that he’s never seen you eat, that you don’t eat dinner here at all. You know you don’t have to lie to me, right?”

The honesty in his voice and the look in his eyes almost broke you.

“I know,” he looked concerned, but didn’t push you. You knew you would tell him about your disorder when you were ready, hopefully if he had any idea about your disorder, he knew that too.

The two of you decided to do an at-home spa day, and he took you to his room. The two of you did face masks, hair masks, mani-pedis, and other things like that.

You had chosen each other’s nail colors, and you had picked an orange color to match his eyes, and he picked pink, using a holographic color on your ring figures. You liked that enough you did that on his ring figured too so you both would be matching.

While you waited for your nails to dry and picked out toenail polish, he asked you about any crushes.

“Oh, no, Asmo, I don’t really have my eyes on anyone,” you lied as you looked through the shades of blue he had. His eyes immediately lit up.

“Yes! Yes you do, I knew it! Who is it?” He said excitedly, and you shook your head.

“I knew you wouldn’t believe that. I’m not going to tell you because it’ll never happen, trust me.”

“Doll, how could you say that? I’m sure a lot of people would love to date you, to be able to call you theirs!” You shook your head, scoffing at him.

“Not this guy. I’m pretty sure he had his eyes on someone else, anyway.”

“Is it Lucifer? It does seem like he has his eyes on Diavolo, but I don’t know about that one, Doll. You still might have a chance.”

“No! It’s not Lucifer, I don’t have that big of daddy issues.”

“Who is it? Please, tell me,” he begged, and for the first time you actually looked at him. His eyes showed almost.. sadness. He seemed sad to be thinking about you with someone else.

You just shook your head.

“Asmo,” you let out, leaning back and looking at him. “It’ll ruin this.” He frowned.

“[Y/N], what do you mean?”

“Asmo,” here it comes, you just decided to let it out. “I like you. I really, really like you. But I understand if it weirds you out, if I’m not your type, I-”

You were interrupted when Asmo held the back of your head and brought your lips to his. You melted into his, and he put his hands on your hips and pulled you onto his lap. You let out a yelp when he pulled on you a little too hard, your cuts opening.

“Doll, what’s wrong?” He asks, before looking down at where his hands were, one of his hands having a little spot of blood on them and the shorts being stained with a little amount of blood. “[Y/N], what’s this?” You let his lift your shirt and pull down your shorts slightly, and he let out a small gasp, his face dropping as he took in your figure, one significantly smaller than it had been when you first came, and the multiple cuts you had on you.

“I, it’s just stress. The tabloids, the comment sections of almost anything when I post pictures, it’s all just a lot.”

“Doll, you could have come to me. Here, let’s fix you up a little bit,” he soothed, picking you up and making you wrap your legs around him, carrying you to his bathroom and dressing your wounds. You didn’t say anything to him. “When’s the last time you ate or drank anything?”

“I drank some water earlier today,” you tell him, and he smiles slightly and strokes your hair. “Good job on that, Doll. But we need to get some food in your stomach, okay?”

Your heartbeat sped up, and you shook your head, tears coming.

“No, Asmo, I can’t eat. Please, don’t make me.”

“I’m not asking you to eat much, please, I can’t have my girl dying on me. What about a piece of fruit and some more water?”

You looked at the floor for a few seconds.

“Can we watch something while I eat, and cuddle, please? It’ll help me take my mind off of it, I think.” He nods, and you both walk to the kitchen after fixing your clothes.

Grabbing your food and water you make your way to your room and turn on [TV show or movie] as Asmo sat on the floor, pulling you into his lap, his chest pressed against your back. He kissed underneath your ear.

Once you had finished the food, which took a bit, but it’s still down for now, he praised you.

“Good girl, Doll. Now finish the water and he can cuddle more.”

You finish the water and turn to him.

“Thank you, Asmo. For helping me.”

“Of course, Doll. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

————

This was written by me in no way trying to romanticize mental illnesses. I try to write what I feel would help me in the moment. I completely understand that mental illnesses don’t just ‘disappear’ when you’ve figured out that someone loves you or someone helps you once- that’s why I don’t write what happens after in most cases. If you are struggling, please reach out to anyone you trust, or call a hotline.

[g00by3]

hey so my current health teachers mental health cirriculum sucks (i cant spell) so i made a list of most mental health disorders w info on each one. i plan on sending it to her but first i wanna check: is there any edits i should make? is there any misinformation or things i left out? pls let me know!! (paper below the cut):

Mental Health Disorders

Mental health disorders are a range of disorders that alter one's way of thinking, functioning, moods, and behavior. These disorders are often stigmatized but education about definitions and breaking down common misconceptions can help break the stigma. Breaking the stigma can help individuals get help while struggling with any of these disorders.

Trigger Warning for in-depth discussion of mental illness

Depression

Depression is a mental health disorder characterized through constant feeling of sadness, hopelessness, and general loss of interest in hobbies. These feelings impact your day to day life.

Types of depression include:

Major Depression/MDD (Major Depressive Disorder)- The technical term used by health professionals to describe the most common form of depression.

Manic Depression [Bipolar Disorder]- Bipolar Disorder was previously known as manic depression, and the term manic depression is outdated. The term “Bipolar disorder” was released in the DMS-3.

Seasonal Depression/SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)- A mood disorder with a seasonal pattern. The cause is believed to be due to the variation of light exposure in different seasons. Depression in winter is the most common form of SAD.

Psychotic Depression- A disconnect from reality due to a depressive condition, which can involve hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, etc.

Anxiety

GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a disorder in which a person exhibits excessive anxiety most days, for at least 6 months, about a variety of things. This worrying impairs daily functioning. Anxiety can be related to a plethora of things such as health, social interactions, work/school, etc.

Types of anxiety include:

Panic Disorder- A type of anxiety disorder in which a person has recurring panic attacks. A panic attack are periods of extreme anxiety, often including increased heart rate, sweating, nausea, and other physical reactions.

Social Anxiety- Anxiety towards social or performance situations. People with social anxiety worry about how others will perceive them or their actions, which often causes them to avoid social situations.

Separation Anxiety Disorder- A disorder commonly seen in children (while still possible to occur in adulthood) in which an individual has anxiety about being separated from people they have an attachment towards.

PTSD

A type of anxiety disorder caused by experiencing, or witnessing a traumatic event. PTSD stands for “post-traumatic stress disorder.” In the World Wars it was known as “shell shock” and “combat fatigue” among the soldiers. Can be caused by a variety of things, such as war, death of a loved one, violence, abuse of any kind, natural disasters, car accidents, etc. Not everyone who goes through something traumatic develops PTSD though, as everyone’s brain works and processes things differently. PTSD includes symptoms of nightmares, flashbacks, body memories, etc.

C-PTSD or “Complex-PTSD” is a specific type of PTSD. This disorder occurs when trauma is long-lasting and repeating.

Eating Disorders

Eating disorders are a group of disorders characterized by severe and persistent disturbance in eating behaviors as a way to alter one’s weight and/or physical appearance.

Common types of eating disorders include:

Anorexia Nervosa- Individuals who struggle with this disorder often restrict their calorie or food intake, or carefully manage what they eat as a means to lose weight. Some people may also purge through the use of laxatives or self-induced vomiting, may over-exercise, and/or may binge eat. The distinction between “atypical” and “typical” anorexia is harmful and unnecessary as both are dangerous and cause the same amount of psychological as well as medical damage.

Bulimia Nervosa- A disorder in which an individual binge eats, or consumes large amounts of food in a short period of time, followed by purging.

BED (Binge-Eating Disorder)- A person with this disorder consumes large quantities of food in a small period of time, often to the point of discomfort, and experiences negative emotions in regards to it afterwards. These emotions include shame, guilt, or distress.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)- When an individual meets many, but not all, of the diagnostic criteria of anorexia and bulimia.

DID

DID or Dissociative Identity Disorder is a disorder caused by repeated childhood trauma before the age of 7-9, which is when a child’s ego state is supposed to integrate but is unable to do so due to this disorder. It is described as the presence of two or more dissociative identities, or alters, with amnesia between them. People with this disorder are known as “systems” and alters are all individual identities. Previously known as MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) until 1994, DID affects approximately 1% of the population worldwide.

OSDD (Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder), previously known as DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) until the DSM-5’s release in 2013, is a disorder therapists may diagnosis when a patient experiences distressing dissociative symptoms that impair daily functioning, but don’t meet the full criteria for another dissociative disorder. OSDD-1 is a dissociative disorder that serves as a catch-all for individuals with symptoms that do not perfectly align with diagnostic criteria for another dissociative disorder.

The two types of OSDD-1 are:

OSDD-1a- A type of dissociative disorder in which alters are present but less distinguished and cannot “front” (take control of the body), but can passively influence one another. Amnesia is also present.

OSDD-1b- Distinct alters are present, can front, but there is no reported amnesia.

Other types of OSDD are:

OSDD-2- Derealization (feeling as though reality, or one’s surroundings aren’t real) without depersonalization (feeling disconnected from one’s body, thoughts, mind, memories, etc).

OSDD-3, OSDD-4, OSDD-5- Similar to DID symptoms, but due to brainwashing, dissociative trace, Ganser syndrome, etc.

OSDD-6- A dissociative disorder in which symptoms are unclear.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which extreme mood swings with acute highs and drastic lows occur. This condition was known as manic depression until 1980. A manic episode is when a person with bipolar experiences increased euphoria, motivation, and hyperactivity, a decreased need for sleep, and oftentimes experiences feelings of being “godlike” or invincible. Manic episodes can also lead to impulsive behavior.

There are two types of bipolar disorder:

Bipolar I- At least one manic episode has occurred, with hypomanic and major depressive episodes occurring as well.

Bipolar II- At least one depressive episode and hypomanic episode. but a manic episode has never occurred.

OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a disorder in which a person gets stuck in a pattern of obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are intrusive thoughts that trigger negative feelings that are intense and distressing. Compulsions are behaviors that a person with OCD partakes in to control these intrusive thoughts, or manage their distress. OCD is beyond just wanting to be clean or needing everything to be symmetrical- it is an exhausting disorder that negatively impacts one’s daily life.

ADHD

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, and is characterized by symptoms of hyperactivity, difficulty paying attention, and impulsivity, all of which impact an individual negatively in two or more settings. ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) was a term used to describe individuals with symptoms of ADHD minus the hyperactivity, but as of the release of the DSM-5, it is an outdated term.

Body Dysmorphia

This is a mental health disorder in which a person fixates on a flaw in their appearance to the point where it is distressing and may cause a person to avoid social situations. Oftentimes this flaw seems minor, or even nonexistent to others, but to a person with body dysmorphia, it is anxiety-inducing.

Gender Dysphoria

Severe psychological distress due to an incongruence between one’s gender identity and their sex assigned at birth. Seen in lots of transgender individuals, but not all.

Psychotic Disorders

A kind of mental health disorder that impacts one’s mind and mode of thinking. These disorders often cause a disconnect from reality.

Types of psychotic disorders include:

Schizophrenia- A person with schizophrenia experiences changes in behavior, hallucinations, and delusions, all lasting longer than 6 months. These symptoms often affect the person in their daily life or relationships.

Schizoaffective Disorder- Symptoms of both schizophrenia and a mood disorder can be an indicator of schizoaffective disorder.

Delusional Disorder- A disorder in which an individual experiences a delusion (a belief that is held, but false) involving a real-life situation that isn’t true. Examples are: being followed, having a disease, and being plotted against. This delusion must be at least one month long. The five primary types of delusions are: mood or atmosphere, perception, memory, ideas, or awareness.

Personality Disorders

A personality disorder is a type of mental health disorder where an unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning, and behaving occurs. This causes significant problems in an individual's life.

Types of personality disorders include:

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)- A mental health disorder with symptoms of: intense fear of abandonment, a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted sense of self/identity, dissociation, impulsive and risky behavior, suicidal threats or threats of self-harm, intense mood swings, inappropriate anger, and chronic emptiness.

ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder)- A disorder identified by patterns of disregarding or violating other’s emotions or wellbeing. A person with ASPD may not conform to societal norms, may lie or manipulate others, or act impulsively.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)- A pattern of demands for admiration and/or a lack of empathy for others. A person with this personality disorder may view themselves as superior, expect to be worshipped or treated as above all else, or feel entitled to whatever their heart desires.

Avoidant Personality Disorder- A disorder characterized by being extremely shy, sensitivity to criticism, poor self-esteem, and feeling anxiety towards the way they are perceived.

OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder)- Similar to OCD, as both have obsessions with rituals, habits, and cleanliness, but distinctly different. OCPD is a pattern of absorption in cleanliness, control, perfection, and schedules.

Paranoid Personality Disorder- A disorder in which a person is suspicious of others and their motives, seeing them as evil or bad. A person with this disorder may believe people are out to get them, or hurt them, or lie to them, and may avoid confiding in others due to this paranoia.

Histrionic Personality Disorder- A pattern of attention seeking and strong emotions. A person with this disorder will take extreme measures to be the center of attention, such as alter their appearance or act out.

Schizoid Personality Disorder- A pattern of detachment from social relationships, and difficulty expressing emotion. A person with schizoid personality disorder often chooses to be alone, and doesn’t care what others' views on them are.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder- People with this disorder have a pattern of being uncomfortable in close relationships. have distorted thinking, or eccentric behavior. They may behave in ways that seem strange or believe odd things.

Substance Use Disorder/Drug Addiction

Substance Use Disorder is a disease that impacts a person mentally and physically, and affects nearly 21 million Americans. Drug addiction happens when a person is unable to control their use of a drug due to a variety of reasons, despite the harm it causes.

Conduct Disorder

A serious disorder in which a child/teen displays a pattern of disruptive or violent behavior, and has trouble obeying rules.

SOURCES:

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/depression#types-of-depression

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-complex-ptsd-2797491

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/eating-disorders/what-are-eating-disorders

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/anorexia

https://www.healthline.com/health/bulimia-nervosa

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/bed

https://www.dpt.nhs.uk/our-services/eating-disorders/what-is-an-eating-disorder/eating-disorder-symptoms/eating-disorder-not-otherwise-specified-ednos-symptoms

https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/Fact-Sheet-IV-What-Are-the-Dissociative-Disorders_-1.pdf

https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/dissociative-identity-disorder-did-statistics-and-facts

https://did-research.org/comorbid/dd/osdd_udd/did_osdd

https://plurality-dictionary.fandom.com/wiki/OSDD-1a

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Other_specified_dissociative_disorder

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355955

https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/index.html

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-thinking-differences/child-learning-disabilities/add-adhd/difference-between-add-adhd

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353938

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/gender-dysphoria/what-is-gender-dysphoria

https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/guide/mental-health-psychotic-disorders

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/delusions-types

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/personality-disorders/what-are-personality-disorders

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/drug-addiction/symptoms-causes/syc-20365112

https://www.addictioncenter.com/addiction/addiction-statistics/

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-conduct-disorder

also damn if you read all of this, hope ur ok lol

i literally just wrote this for fun in four hrs bc im hyperfixating on researching mental health disorders rn.

[comeonthinkers]

The Constant Struggle of Cuteness

I feel like, this morning, I need to talk about body image. Body image, and the constant barrage of conflicting messages around body image that I, as a midsize woman, receive and dissect every day.

First of all: midsize. Was this even a term five years ago? As “plus size” has become more ubiquitous and more accepted in the past decade, “fat” has been reclaimed, and “curvy” is suddenly more of a feeling than a descriptor, the terms I used to identify with as a teenager now, somehow, no longer apply to me anymore. I’m not sure what happened in the past decade; in high school I distinctly remember almost always being the largest woman in the room. Since then, whether it’s due to perception, self-confidence, age, awareness, or just... overall changes in the population, I now find myself distinctly in the middle. 

Note: I’ve been a size 12-16 my entire post-adolescent life. For one brief stint after college I could fit into a size 10. But before and since, 14 has been the mainstay numeral in my wardrobe. My steady friend and most accurate guesstimate across brands as to what my body may fit.

14, despite being the most (so I’m told) “common” size amongst women, was for many years infamous for being the most left-out, in-between size in clothing stores. In juniors’ stores (marketed toward teens: your Charlotte Russe’s and Forever 21′s), 14 would translate to the non-existent XXL: with “XL” usually falling in the “12″ range. In Plus Size or Women’s stores, 14 is a 0X; 1X is most commonly measured around a “16″ size.

About 5 years ago I found a fashion youtuber who made a video decrying the variation of a size 12 across different brands. And I’ll agree: sizes vary a lot from brand to brand, despite there being a base similarity in most big brand stores. She, like me, found herself living in this dreaded size 12-14 fashion purgatory, this no-womans-land of sizes. And even here! The numbers can’t be trusted!

She called herself “midsize”. She looked a lot like me. And at last, I had a label I could consistently search and see body types that I could identify with. From what I can tell, midsize is the chosen moniker for fashion influencers sizes 8-16, with of course, varying body shapes and compositions. For example, many of the folks I follow on instagram that claim “midsize” wear a VERY different bra size from me- so to find “fashion inspiration” I can actually act upon from midsize influencers, I also have to bring in a few accounts that allow for more top-heavy-friendly designs.

Despite all of the overwhelming positivity and diversity now available to me as a midsize woman (for example, almost all plus-size brands now start at a size 10-12 (00X-0X), and most “regular” retail brands now extend to a XXL), I can’t help but go back to my first observation: I’m no longer the largest woman in the room. While I don’t consider myself particularly unhealthy, I also know I’m not passing any presidential fitness tests any time soon. I find it difficult to run for extended periods of time. My joint strength isn’t nearly what it should be to support my weight. While muscular, I have a lot of extraneous body fat that adds strain to my daily life, and all my body’s systems: skeletal, endocrine, muscular, cardiovascular. This isn’t good. I’ve worked for years to try to find ways to get stronger, lose weight, and improve my overall health- in fact, the difficulty I faced when trying to lose weight was what led me to discover that I have PCOS and a few hormonal hurdles to maintaining a healthy body weight.

But when I try to research how best to approach health and weight loss with PCOS, the studies are few and far between- and when available are fairly inconclusive and far from thorough. I’m left to follow MORE accounts of personal success stories, all of which are biased toward one product or another, one lifestyle brand or book tour, all of which are antithetical to every other product, book, or brand I’ve seen before.

On the one hand, I’m grateful to see more body types represented in the media.  It IS helpful to my self-esteem to normalize the bodies of women both my size and larger than me (even if there’s still a prevalence of too-smooth skin and too-round belly buttons). But I also worry about how we tend to conflate feeling good about ourselves to being healthy. They aren’t the same. And we’re letting commercial forces tell us that it’s okay to be unhealthy even when attempting to BE healthy: mentally or physically.

Time to come clean here: for the past year, I’ve been experimenting on and off with a carnivore lifestyle, which, OBVIOUSLY, many people assume is super unhealthy, much like the stigma around Atkins in the early 2000′s. Honestly, it feels a lot like Atkins did back in the day: lots of bacon, burgers, steak, and eggs. Quite literally “zero-carb”, as opposed to just “low-carb”. While low-carb isn’t really new anymore, and many people can see carnivore as a logical step past the surprisingly universally accepted ketogenic diet, I was amazed to discover just how much the “science” of the trendier diets of the past decade (paleo, keto, whole-30) don’t match up to the scientific, accepted nutritional advice of the actual medical community.

Last year I started going to a weight-loss clinic at the behest of my OB-GYN in an attempt to get my PCOS and weight “under control”. I’m gonna spoil most of the rest of this rant by saying this was a pretty dumb idea for someone like me. This clinic was created around those with extreme weight issues, for whom psychological care and bariatric surgery are the most “effective” forms of treatment (again, according to the health care system that seems determined to sell it, but I’ll talk more about THAT another time). The nutritionist I met with gave me the same spiel I’d read time and time again from every weight-loss specialist book I’d bought, despite me relaying to her my decades-long struggle with traditional diets and fat-loss strategies. A ketogenic diet was never recommended to me, nor any kind of actual dietary changes to help with hormone balance/control: I was prescribed metformin (a drug for insulin resistance most commonly prescribed to type 2 diabetics) and told to eat a low-fat, high-fiber diet.

I didn’t lose any weight. My periods didn’t regulate. I just stopped gaining weight as fast... although I did eventually gain back the 12 pounds I’d lost from my first 2 months on carnivore. 

The truth is, that treatment plan, that clinic... it doesn’t exist for someone who is trying to change their body chemistry. It might work for folks that are so obese that literally ANY form of mindful eating will help them lose 200 pounds. But let’s be real: if I lost 200 pounds, I’d weigh 6 pounds. I’m a tall, muscular woman with some fat that has tried all the recommended diets for fat loss. Through them all, I fight cravings and energy loss, mood swings, and all the symptoms that come with PCOS. The ONLY thing I’ve found in the past 10 years that actually helps with my PCOS? 

Regular exercise, stress management, and a carnivore diet. 

I’ll also point out that when I DID lose a considerable amount of weight after college (due to what I think was a combination of 1. getting enough sleep for once, 2. intermittent fasting, and 3. regular hiking), it was also easier for me to maintain my weight and many of my PCOS symptoms went away. It wasn’t until I switched to a HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL method that I then gained back all of the weight I lost (and then some) and once again began fighting uncontrolled PCOS symptoms. They compounded on each other, and made it harder and harder to get back to any kind of “normal”. 

So, I’m back on carnivore. In addition to more stable energy, noticeable reduction of PCOS symptoms, and slight weight loss, I also just... hurt a lot less on carnivore. Along this journey I’ve finally realized that I do in fact have a chronic pain problem. Whether it’s due to chronic inflammation, past injuries, or food sensitivities, I’m not really sure: but I know when I eat carnivore, my chronic pain all but goes away. Recently, I’ve been recovering from a back injury, so there was of course some pain associated with that (as well as a break from regular exercise, which I plan to get back to once I’m cleared by my chiropractor), but the daily body aches, numbness, and discomfort?

Gone. 

I’ve got regular periods when I eat this way- like, ACTUALLY one a month like I’m supposed to have. My facial hair growth slows down, even thins out. My focus improves. I sleep better, and actually follow a normal circadian rhythm. What’s total bananas is that I’m not the only one who experiences this: MANY folks who’ve tried this way of eating report daily quality of life improvements.

I’m not going to say everyone should eat this way; I’m not even going to suggest that everyone with PCOS should eat this way. But I WOULD love to see some actual RESEARCH done on this way of eating- or even better research on a ketogenic diet! I’m so frustrated by the lack of medical research on nutrition, and in particular the lack of action to curb the universally-accepted-to-be-unhealthy nutrition standards in America. While I won’t say it’s hard to eat carnivore (cause like, all diets are hard), I have noticed over the years that NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY IS HEALTHY anymore- except for those whose JOB it is to be healthy. And this isn’t a coincidence!! Almost all cultures that have adopted American corporatized food structures are chronically unhealthy, and much, much more fat than they used to be.

I agree that being fat isn’t always a personal failing, and I’m so, SO glad that more and more figures in our media diets are representing the diverse catalogue of body shapes and sizes reflected in our world. I’m happy that my future daughter won’t be fat-shamed the same way I was as a little girl, and that she likely won’t be told (like I was) that she’s too fat to be what she wants to be when she grows up, despite not actually being all that fat. 

BUT. Fat representation is not the hill I want to literally die on. I’m not willing to throw my health, my comfort, my ability to be active, away for my “right” to eat ice cream every day. I’m sick of being marketed to constantly as a garbage disposal. I’m not just here to eat and diet and wear clothes.

I’m here to LIVE. I’m here to plant gardens and make art and take walks and enjoy the seasons. And I can’t do a lot of those things if I’m constantly sick and in pain. And it’s way harder to enjoy not being sick and not being in pain when all we know to do as a society when spending time together is... eat food. 

What frustrates me is, I think so much of this really comes down to marketing, corporate profit-mongering, and the way our political system is set up to make laws for companies instead of people. I think capitalism is making us fat and unhealthy, to sell us sugar and diets and medicine and surgeries in an endless cycle of crap. I don’t really have much more to say on that, I don’t have sources, except like... well, look around you. Look at the system we have. Look at what we’re told to do to escape it. And look at how many forces are there to take us right back to the beginning of the roller coaster when we have a little success. 

Side note/conspiracy theory time: I actually think liposuction might be a more safe and effective (literally EFFECTIVE not just safe) form of “weight loss surgery” in helping folks with actual, permanent weight loss. Hear me out: while I will fully admit I can’t remember where I read any of this (as I’ve read so many scores of information regarding health and weight loss over my lifetime), I seem to remember body fat working something like this: it’s really easy for your body to make new fat cells, but very difficult for your body to destroy them. So, when you gain fat, it first occurs by your body filling your fat cells with fat, until they can’t hold anymore, and then your body makes new fat cells, which makes it easier for your body to hold onto said fat. The best way to “reset” your body’s fat threshold is to literally destroy or remove the fat cells. And, I assume, if you adopt more healthy habits AFTER having liposuction, your body would be less likely to create more fat cells than it was when you lived an unhealthy lifestyle.

Bariatric surgery is incredibly invasive and dangerous, and almost always ends up reversed by bad habits and your body’s natural ability to STORE FAT AND STRETCH YOUR STOMACH. It’s a temporary solution, and often proves to be ineffective in the long term, and leads to many unfortunate complications over time, not to mention the recovery from that surgery is LONG and TOUGH.

But liposuction (the most COMMON FORM OF PLASTIC SURGERY, I’ll add), is the only “weight loss” procedure (despite not being labeled as such- it’s “cosmetic surgery” even though it most definitely WOULD result in weight loss, right?) that actually removes fat from your body. Literally takes the fat cells away so your body can’t fill them up again, without once again needing to create more.

But bariatric surgery is covered by insurance, and liposuction isn’t... despite the fact that removing weight and fat from the body would be a more instant and potentially effective cure for obesity and its underlying symptoms, and being a simpler procedure overall, as well as extremely common. 

So like... why is being fat something poor people are forced to endure dangerous surgery and super long recoveries and lifetime habit changes to overcome, but rich people just get to have their fat vacuumed away? Sounds sus to me. 

[mysugarstory-hw1]

It is really difficult to avoid sweets as a child and I have always had a sweet tooth. I have a skinny fat body type and after years of training and working out I was able to gain weight, but I am unable to lose the fat regardless of the training because of my unhealthy diet plan. A common rule for bodybuilding is that the body is built 80% in the kitchen. My goal is to reduce fat while gaining overall weight, which is a specific type of weight loss by reducing my sugar consumption. I have been trying to lose my upper body fat, but I am unable to control my sugar cravings. This summer I had finally made a decision to reduce my sugar and monitoring the consumption for the assignment was particularly beneficial. The plan to achieve the goal was regular weightlifting, running and a high protein diet with a minimal sugar quantity.

I have experienced various harmful effects of sugar on my body including weight gain, increased acne and an increase in anxiety/depression. A survey conducted of 8000 people shows that men consuming more than 67 grams of sugar a day were 23% more likely to develop depression than men who consumed less than 40 grams per day (Kubala,2018). In the U.S added sugars accounts for 17% of the total calorie intake for adults while dietary guidelines suggest limiting added sugars to less than 10%. If I have a can of coke with both my meals, that itself is 78 grams of sugar. I used to have sugary drinks multiple times a day which were the main source of sugar in my diet. My morning coffee from Starbucks is a medium size Caramel Macchiato which alone has 33g of sugar. I have completely stopped drinking any of the aerated drinks and have switched to alternates such as vitamin water and a dark roast with no sugar.

The application I used was MyFitnessPal as it allows me to track my calories in an effortless manner. I was able to quickly add all my meals and never had a problem finding a specific food item. The application has the nutrition data for most fast-food diners and it also allows you to save your own custom-built meal. I could find every food item on the app, even if it was a traditional Indian cuisine dish.

I usually cook my own breakfast, so I created a custom-built breakfast meal on the application containing different dishes so that I am able to add my meals every day without selecting all ingredients individually every time. In college, it is difficult to have all ingredients at home, so I had to custom make some of my meals according to the ingredients used in the meal.

Another major benefit of MyFitnessPal was that it allows you to input your workout details in your main page calorie count. This feature helped me track my overall calorie deficit or surplus. The application automatically detects my total steps and reduces the calories burned appropriately from my remaining calorie goal. This makes it really easy for me to track my caloric deficit diet as I don’t have to calculate my calorie intake – calories burnt separately. I wear an apple watch which tracks my workouts and MyFitnessPal reads that itself as I allowed the application to do so while setting up.

A feature which made me decide that this application is right for me was the nutrition data. It provides me with all the nutrition where I can set a goal for my protein and sugar consumption quantity and see the total amount of sugar I have consumed in the day/week. I have not used the application for more than 3 weeks, but I believe that this feature is fundamental in the long-term use of the application. This is what allows the user to track their progress for a period of time while seeing the days you did not meet the goal separately. I would be able to see the specific days I did not follow my diet plan well on the weekends. The bar graphs displaying the data are also very efficient in easy tracking of the users weekly nutritional data.

After tracking my meals on MyFitnessPal for 2 week I realized that I did not follow my diet for 1 or 2 days in the week, which were usually weekends. I decided to dedicate 1 day as cheat day or day off as I was unable to track my consumption of sugar for the days I went out. Tracking my sugar consumption for the week and not inputting the correct values would lead to a misrepresentation of my progress in the long run. I feel my body has reacted well to being on a no sugar diet for 6 days a week.

Another situation where I found difficult was actually inputting my meals every day. From the 4th day of me tracking my meals, I usually forgot to add my meal either because of a busy schedule or maybe I just forgot. I did input 2 or 3 days of meals at once, in such a situation I don’t remember exactly the smaller meals I might have had but only added the bigger meals for those days. This leads to a case of misrepresentation for example, if I had a lemonade but forgot to input it, that could make a big difference in my total sugar consumption for that day or week. The application however is actually very efficient as it sends you multiple to add meals and meet the daily goal.

How the calorie count works on MyFitnessPal is Calorie goal – food + exercise = calories remaining. Instead of viewing the total number of calories remaining I would rather see calories consumed. Knowing about the number of calories remaining was not of much help as I was not able to tell my right calorie goal. The calorie goal was decided while setting up the application according to personal goals, height and weight. I don’t think I built my calorie goal just right by including the correct details. I do not know the exact number of calories I should be consuming to gain weight but be low on sugar and fat. It is a complicated diet plan and I believe that the application could have a smarter and more efficient way of calculating the calorie while explaining the reasoning behind that number. The reasoning motivates the user to meet the goal once they are aware of the reasons to consume or burn those specific numbers of calories for the day.

A feature which might help the application improve could be a junk burn feature. The user can input a cheat meal and the application should send a reminder saying, “Walk an extra 468 steps for the medium fries” or “get in that workout to earn yourself a lemonade”. If the user is having the craving for a specific unhealthy meal, they could input it and know the extra work they have to put in to earn it. Personally, I would have benefitted from this feature as I would be motivated to exercise better to earn my craving for the day. This keeps you consistent with your goal and motivated to keep tracking your calories.

My expectations going into the assignment were very different from my actual experience. I believed that using the application would make me more conscious of my eating habits, looking back at my meal consumption. In the past I have followed a meal plan, but I have been unable to be consistent for a long period of time. I was expecting that the application will help me be consistent with constant reminders and with the nutritional data. However, I don’t think that MyFitnessPal was able to motivate me to be consistent. The intrinsic motivation is fundamental to achieve goals like mine. I had quite the opposite experience as I stopped inputting the unhealthy food I had as I did not want to see that on my weekly data. When someone is aware that they are breaking their diet plan and eating something sugary, the self-acceptance demanded by the application is difficult to meet. In such situations I usually input only the healthy meals leading to misrepresentation.

A lot of unexpected benefits of the following experience were reduced anxiety and a better sleep cycle. If I experience any kind of exam stress, sugar can trigger anxiety for me or possibly aggravate it. Reducing my sugar intake clearly improved my sleep cycle as I was able to fall asleep earlier and had no broken sleep. Consuming sugar at night could make me stay up for hours while in the day, once the sugar rush went, I could suddenly feel sleepy. I was able to monitor such behaviors only because I was tracking my sugar intake which I could later compare to my sleep or stress behavior for the previous day. I realized how I should consume sugar in a smarter way and avoid it at specific times.

Overall, the experience with MyFitnessPal was really beneficial  as I learnt a lot of new facts about my diet details. I did not know how unhealthy some foods were which were high protein, rich in fiber and no sugar. There were days where I did not meet my calorie requirements for the day and I realized how I need to change my diet plan by adding more meals with a higher calorie count. I have almost reached my goal of reducing sugar as I can see results of losing fat. I will definitely continue using MyFitnessPal as I work towards my goal.

[shnuggletea]

InuKag Week 2020

Some nice, fluffy moments for you in this chapter. As well as a lemon but ya know. Day Five of InuKag Week: Instinct. @inukag-week​ here is my contribution for today. Hope you all enjoy!

Thank you to all of you for reading and reviewing. It's nice to know where I stand on this fic.

Chapter 5 of 8  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

Instinct

It took a year and a half but frankly, I was surprised it took that long. I may be inexperienced but I'm not an idiot and I know how these things work. When I missed a period, I wasn't even upset or confused. And the at-home and doctor's positive tests were just extra. I knew I was pregnant.

We didn't even try to be careful. Inuyasha never wore a condom and I wasn't on the pill. And we fucked constantly. With Inuyasha not even pulling out, I had to assume he didn't care if he knocked me up.

I still didn't say anything to him though. I didn't really know what to say. I wasn't his girlfriend or wife. We weren't even lovers we just had sex. I didn't know anything about him outside the house either.

I did know his moods. One glance and I knew what to expect. I knew his laugh, his tender touch, how he could be excruciatingly kind. How he was overprotective to an obnoxious amount sometimes, another good reason not to mention my pregnancy.

I had his dick memorized. How he liked it touched, licked, and sucked. And the slight curve it had and how it felt inside me. Inuyasha knew my weak points too, the spot on my shoulder, licking the inside of my thighs, how hard to suck my nipples or my clit.

I knew every inch of his body as he knew mine. Which made me wonder how long it would take him to notice? I said nothing, not even to the staff. But the cook noticed my change in appetite and the maid noticed my vomit in the bathroom.

The weather went from cold to hot again, passing the two-year mark and Inuyasha either didn't notice or was saying nothing. Even as I developed a little belly under my belly button. My clothes were getting tighter and the only thing Inuyasha had said about it was sending someone to get me new clothes.

I didn't tell him I was going out regularly to see my doctor but it was my only excuse to get out of the house. With my pregnancy showing, I couldn't even have Sango over. What would I tell her? I couldn't even find the words to tell Inuyasha!

Particularly irritated, I sat on top, grinding hard on Inuyasha's cock. Our nightly meetings had never changed and now without periods to break them up, they never faltered.

Inuyasha was lying still, his arms under his head watching me. There was no hiding it anyway and I no longer cared, one hand on his knee to steady my angle to get him deeper and the other on the peak of my swell as I rocked. The extra weight was a little uncomfortable without support in this position.

I was close to getting rid of my horny irritation, my orgasm beginning to start as I took out my frustrations on Inuyasha's penis. "You aren't...seeing anyone else?"

Now I was even more irate because Inuyasha's random question made my orgasm fly out the window. Coming to a stop, I righted myself on his pelvis and glared down at him. "Excuse me?!"

"You aren't seeing anyone besides me? Dating, fucking, sleeping with someone besides me?"

I rolled my eyes as hard as I could, making sure he could see it. Another thing I learned was Inuyasha's weak-ass communication skills. This was his way of asking me if the baby was his. Which only infuriated me.

"When? When the hell was I able to date or fuck anyone but you?!"

As skillfully as I could at six months pregnant, I swung my leg and myself off of him. He hissed as the cold air hit his dick, losing my warmth and my wetness which only made it cooler. Grabbing my robe off the floor where I left it, I tried to be clothed for this fight. I felt less intimidating naked.

Inuyasha didn't move save for pushing up on his elbows to follow my movements. "Maybe when you worked at the club?!"

Crossing my arms to sit on my chest and small bump, I glared at him hard. "I'd already given birth if it was someone from there. The kid would be at least a year old by now!"

"I know that!" He screeched.

"Then why did you ask?!"

"Maybe it's when you sneak out of here a few times a month?! Did you really think I wouldn't notice?!"

I was shocked because I sincerely didn't think he had. Shutting my mouth, I quickly swept away my angry tears and tried to stop my shaking. "I'm going to see my OBGYN you ass hat! Not a lover! The only dick I've ever known is you!"

He didn't hesitate, continuing his rant right along with mine. "You shouldn't be going out, not even to see your doctor. Especially looking like that…"

Even though I swore I was over Inuyasha's need to keep me hidden away from the world, it now felt like an elephant sat on my chest from time to time when it was brought up. Now being one of those times. "Like what? Like a knocked up sex slave? If you are so ashamed or worried or whatever then maybe you should have worn a condom!"

"Maybe you should have gone on birth control!"

"When?! I'm not allowed to leave this fucking prison and they don't mail that shit to you!"

I was so angry the room was spinning and all I saw was red. I was trying to storm back to my room but for some reason, I was in Inuyasha's hold. "Kagome?! Are you alright?!"

My arms felt like jelly as I pushed at his hold. "I'm fine. Don't touch me. You've touched me enough!"

The room was still spinning and I was struggling to breathe. Then the room went from red to black.

oOo

"It's her blood pressure. It was way too high."

I woke to the sound of voices, in my bed, with Inuyasha and my doctor standing over me.

"High blood pressure? She's 23!"

"And pregnant. Pregnancy causes a lot of changes in a woman's body and sometimes it affects their blood pressure."

"What can I do?" I stared at Inuyasha, unknown by him as he looked and sounded like a scared little boy. "What can I do to keep them safe and healthy?"

I'd never seen Inuyasha like that, terrified and helpless. He'd always seemed sure and strong no matter what was going on. It was strange to see it now after two years. And a part of me was far too happy at his acknowledgment of the baby.

"Is she under a lot of stress? What was she doing when she fainted?"

Inuyasha shifted his weight, his arms crossed across his chest like when he wanted to protect himself. "We were...fighting. It's my fault."

I couldn't stand being spoken of anymore so I slowly sat up. My doctor was quick to my side but Inuyasha was quicker. "Whoa, now Kagome. You gave us quite the scare there. Let's take it easy, yeah?"

"I'm fine."

"Jesus, Kagome, listen to the damn doctor!"

Inuyasha was upset but I could tell it was partly out of fear and all at himself. Even if I hadn't heard their conversation. It all had me forgetting my earlier slights and irritations with the man now sitting near my legs on the bed.

Leaning over, I gently stroked his cheek and he greedily took the comfort. "It's okay. I'm okay, Inuyasha."

"It's not uncommon or even unhealthy for couples to fight. But maybe tone it down until after the baby is born?"

Inuyasha saw the doctor out, who promised to return for her next visit so I didn't have to come to her. Something Inuyasha must have set up while I was out. I was trying really hard not to be upset about it as Inuyasha returned to me.

Sitting in the same spot he had before, he looked me over carefully and thoughtfully. "You set up in-home visits with my doctor?!"

His eyes went to the floor but he still nodded his answer.

"Why is it so important to you…"

"Because you're important to me."

Anything and everything died in my throat. I had nothing to say to that. Inuyasha still wasn't looking at me, wringing his hands between his knees as he hunched over.

"My mother died when I was really young. She went out one day and never came back. My dad said it was his fault, that they killed her to get to him…"

"Who's they?"

He shrugged, "no clue but dad killed them in return. That's… all I really know about it."

I held my breath because now I'd learned a lot more about Inuyasha in a few shared words. His mother was murdered because of who his father is. Meaning not only did Inuyasha have overprotective tendencies that verged on obsessiveness but he came from a family that others wanted to hurt.

Inuyasha was rich and powerful.

Which meant he was either one of two things: mob or politician. Given his interests and investments, I'd have to guess mob. I was having a baby with a mob boss.

Oddly enough, it didn't bother me. Mob boss or not, Inuyasha was a nice guy to me. I'd never seen him do bad and so it was easy to ignore any misgivings. I struggled to imagine Inuyasha hurting anyone.

"Going to the doctor..it wasn't a big deal. I was safe. There was no harm and it was an excuse to go out…"

"Didn't you hear what I just said?! Someone killed my mother just to spite my father. For kicks, because they wanted to weaken him." Turning, Inuyasha showed me his angry eyes. They always looked like they were on fire when he was like this. "The people who want to hurt me, they'd take one look at your pregnant body and see Christmas. And they would have no struggle killing you and sending me the fetus."

I broke. It was all too much. Because I wanted to go out, to be normal and free. But Inuyasha was scaring me. So I wept, clutching my swollen body like a jewel that others were trying to steal.

Inuyasha clutched it just as hard, wrapping around me to either comfort me, himself, or both. "The house sits on five acres. There's a pool, tennis court, hell there's even a zen garden. All of it is yours. You can have Sango come over and spend time with you, I don't care. Just please, don't go out broadcasting our child around town for all to see."

oOo

I was relaxing in my bed when it started. Inuyasha was still at work since the day had barely begun. The book in my hands was not being read as my mind was miles away. Thinking about the night before.

Inuyasha and I had just had gentle but satisfying sex, he bent me over the bed so he didn't put weight on my belly while rubbing my clit as he throbbed inside me from behind. At my size, sleep was a struggle. I couldn't get comfortable. But sex always helped because it tired me out.

It must have been the baby that woke me, waking up exhausted to see her foot or hand trying to escape my uterus. I could actually see my skin rise as she pushed with all her might against her cage.

That didn't bother me in the slightest, I thought it was cool even though annoying. What had my mind tumbling even till morning was Inuyasha.

He rolled over to me and put his hand over my belly, gently rubbing the spot the baby had been pressing. "Shhhh...calm down or you'll wake mommy."

Inuyasha clearly had no clue I was already awake and I continued to be as he spoke to the baby through my belly.

"I'm excited to meet you too but it's not time yet and you and your mommy need to rest. You've been a bad girl lately, getting all wild whenever mommy tries to rest. That's not nice." I wasn't sure if it was his touch, voice, words, or all of it but the baby calmed back down and stopped her escape attempts. "That's a good girl, Moroha."

We hadn't discussed a name and yet, Inuyasha had one picked out already. I liked it. It was repeating in my head all day long. The entire 'conversation' was. The whole thing was so sweet, it brought me to tears each time I let my mind hear Inuyasha's voice as he spoke to my belly. With so few instances in which Inuyasha showed interest in our child, that one moment showed me just how much he wanted this baby. And it mirrored me.

But, as Inuyasha said, it was still early. Three weeks from my due date. Which was why I ignored the tensing of my muscles around my swollen belly and uterus. Even as they squeezed close to pain. I kept hoping it was Braxten Hicks and that they would go away.

So I said nothing, even when Inuyasha texted me midday to check on us. It was good he didn't call like usual, he always said I was a terrible liar, even on the phone.

When I didn't come out for lunch, it was brought to me. And of course, I had another contraction with the maid there. A big one. It was starting to seem as though these were the real deal. This only added to the fear in my veins, doubling over myself to try and take yet another contraction. This one felt as if my muscles were trying to pull me apart from the inside out. My only reprieve was that they weren't that close together yet. I had a good 30-minute break between each one.

Which timed it perfectly for when Inuyasha burst into my room.

"Kagome?!"

My open, in shock, mouth served to allow a loud whimper to escape as my muscles tensed and pulled at me. Curling into a ball did nothing but I did it anyway for some reason. A bodily reaction I had no control over.

Inuyasha was at my side when I opened my tear-filled eyes, kneeling on the floor next to my bed and brushing strands out of my face. Taking in his appearance, it was clear he had raced here straight from work. It was the first time I'd seen him with a tie on, he usually had it off by the time I saw him.

"You lied to me. You fucking lied, Kagome!" He was mad, even as he tenderly brushed my skin with the pads of his fingers. "The doctor is on her way. How far apart are your contractions?"

Getting over my shock at his apparent knowledge, I took a dry swallow, "30 minutes."

"Good, then there's still time." He got to his feet but kept his eyes on me. "I'm just going to go change, I'll be right back."

True to his word, I wasn't even close to another contraction when Inuyasha reappeared in some jeans and a t-shirt. Chuckling to myself, I wondered if he wore jeans just to keep from being in his usual 'let's fuck' outfit.

He helped me sit up but just as he did, another contraction hit. His hands still in mine, neither of us let go and he let me squeeze as hard as I could without so much a whimper of complaint. When I continued to push up to stand, he complained then.

"What are you doing?!"

"The doctor will be here soon...and my contractions are less than 30 minutes apart….I should take off my underwear…."

It was surprising how out of breath I was like I had been running when all I'd done was face an onslaught of pain every few minutes or so.

My legs were shaking so Inuyasha sat me back down on the edge of the bed and worked my panties off my hips for me. I giggled when he got them to my ankles, lifting my feet for him, and he looked up at me with a smirk. He already knew what I was thinking, how life was like a revolving door of sorts. The very act that caused the life about to be born, taking off my panties, was now being done again for a completely different and still the same reason.

Inuyasha remained crouched before me, his warm hands on my knees when another contraction hit. He shot up, his hands on my shoulders to steady me. I grabbed his shirt, gripping it and close to ripping it since his child was trying to rip out of me.

"Inu...yasha…"

"I got you. I got you, Kagome."

A dark laugh spilled out of me, a mixture of pain and hormones that had my emotions all over the place. "You got me...INTO THIS MESS...you damn well better….be here to GET ME OUT OF IT!"

I was panting but the contraction was over, Inuyasha still held me tight though. "Please don't call having my baby a mess. Besides, the real mess starts after the baby is born."

By the time the doctor arrived, my contractions had stalled. She kept checking but my cervix hadn't dilated past seven centimeters. Inuyasha was beginning to pace.

"Isn't there something we can do? The baby could be in distress!"

That made me nervous and Inuyasha cringed, stopping his little walk to sit beside me and hold my hand. The doctor said something to her nurse and then answered his question. "The baby is fine. We went over all of this when we prepped for a home birth. Remember?"

She was scolding him and if it were another time or place, I would have laughed. He was the one who pushed to have the baby at home, changing my birth plan completely. I wanted to have her in a hospital surrounded by doctors and people who knew what the fuck they were doing! But Inuyasha had his reasons.

"Sorry." He mumbled to her and to me.

Hours passed and finally, my labor started again. But I almost wished it hadn't. I thought the contractions were bad. No, pushing a six-pound person out of my vagina was worse. Things were tearing and all I could do was continue to push and tear more.

Inuyasha was still at my side, letting me squeeze whatever I wanted to death in payback. At one point I had grabbed his shirt and pulled him in close to hear me growl. "I knew you were going to ruin my vagina."

He smiled and I almost punched him so he tried to lean back but I held on tight. My brain flip-flopped with emotions and I found myself crying. Inuyasha thought it was pain, using his free hand to brush wet strands from my face and cup my cheek carefully. But it wasn't the pain exactly. It was something else. It was fear.

"I don't...I don't want to do this alone….I don't want to raise her on my own…" I sobbed.

Inuyasha glanced over at the doctor and then back at me. "You aren't alone. You'll never be alone, Baby."

It was strange, hearing a term of endearment from him but I was too wrapped up in the situation to care. More sobs ripped from me and they hurt all the way down to my aching vagina.

"When I first saw you," Inuyasha whispered in my ear, "...up on that stage; you were terrified but you didn't back down. It was your eyes, Kagome. Your bright teal eyes and I couldn't look away from you. I wasn't there to buy or anything. You were not my purpose that day. But I couldn't leave you. I still can't. I wish I could say I was sorry but I want you more and more each day, Baby, so I can't let you go."

His words had another sob come out with a whimper but he cut it off, kissing me sweetly and not caring about the others in the room.

"Alright, Kagome. One more big push."

oOo

The bassinet Inuyasha bought months ago had yet to be used. Mainly because I was too afraid to move Moroha after she fell asleep. The last thing I wanted was to wake her.

So she slept next to me. With one arm wrapped around her head and the other poised over her, I kept her safe and eventually got used to the uncomfortable position. At two months she was far from rolling but I still felt paranoid about it.

I don't think I had really slept since she was born. Or before then when my size made me too uncomfortable. It was why when the lightest touch came to my arm, I nearly jolted out of bed.

"Kagome.." Inuyasha whispered, standing over me and looking down at the two of us.

Going around, he removed my homemade cage and gently lifted tiny Moroha into his hands. She used to fit in just his hands alone, stretching across his palms as he held them together. But now he had to put her in the crook of his arm to carry her. I was overjoyed she was growing, so small when she was born I wept for days, but she was growing fast.

Now still asleep in her bassinet, Inuyasha slowly climbed into the bed next to me. On my side and him on his, we stared at one another for a few silent moments. Then we met halfway in a tentative embrace that quickly turned up the heat.

We were ripping clothes off without a thought. It had been a while and Inuyasha had been very patient. And patient still, his tip pressing to my entrance and freezing.

"Are you okay? Are you ready?"

He was frantic. Wanting to fuck but not wanting to hurt me and the two were colliding together at the moment.

I grabbed his ass, digging in my claws, and whispered in his ear. "Fuck me hard now."

Obeying my command, his tip hit my womb so fast it made us both dizzy. A few seconds of fast pumps and we both came. Which was the fastest either of us had ever finished and stars filled my room.

We were both still a little out of it, Inuyasha still hard and as deep inside me as he could go, when Moroha fussed a little beside us. Neither of us moved and I was sure we had no clue how much noise we had made during our fast and needy fuck.

When she settled back to sleep, Inuyasha turned his attention back to me. "I meant for the two of you to sleep in my room with me."

I shook my head at him. "She keeps me up most of the night. And you have to work in the morning."

His arms around me, he gave me a squeeze. "I want to have more."

"More sex?"

"No, I mean yes that too. I want to have more kids. With you."

"Easy for you to say. I'm the one that went through hell!"

"But you can't tell me it wasn't worth it."

Inuyasha was looking back at the bassinet while I was watching him. The glassy look in his eyes and the smile on his face. If I wasn't already in love with Moroha, blissfully happy with my life, and actually thinking about at least two more children then the look on Inuyasha's face right now would have changed my mind.

"Yes. It was worth it."

I feel as though having a baby is pretty instinctual. Not the wanting to have a baby part but the growing and birthing in general.

[fedewashere]

Jenuary 31 2021

weight: 68,3kg

Hello everyone!

Since November, my life has been a nightmare, I had school tests almost everyday. Seriously, I hate my teachers so much, we’re in a pandemic, they have no right to loose their mind and make us students lose it too. Anyway, I started to binge/overeat due to stress. I completely lost control, during Christmas Holidays I tried so hard to restrict, but I have been unsuccessful. Besides that, I also lost my motivation, I didn’t want to do anything.

Fortunately I didn’t gain a lot of weight. Before the stress eating started I reached my lowest weight (65,5 kg) and now I weight 68,5 kg. Yeah, I know, 3kgs is actually a HUGE amount of weight. But if you think that this is all I gained after three months of unhealthy foods, then it’s not that bad.

I want to stay positive, because those past three months were very hard for me. I was stressed out all the time because I felt guilty, but I didn't know how to stop eating. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I'll try to satisfy my cravings from now on, but I still want to eat foods with nutrients, otherwise I'll ruin my health. As you can see, I’m still trying to remain positive and motivated. I want my control back, so from now on I’ll start a food diary on my blog!

By the way, my school class has been divided in two groups, from tomorrow they will go back to school, while the second group, which I’m part of, will continue with online school. Then, the week after we’ll switch, so I will go back to school. I want to lose a LOT of weight before that day. ✨

Anyway, it’s food diary time!

Breakfast= 208g of grapefruit (144 kcal)🍇

Morning snack= 3 mini spring rolls (140 kcal)🫔

Lunch= a sandwich made with 90g of bread (242 kcal) and 73g of aged cheddar (304 kcal) 🥪

Afternoon snack= 253g of strawberry flavoured drinking yoghurt 0% fats (144 kcal) 🍓 + 35g of vegetarian pizza (91 kcal) 🍕

calories in: 1064 kcal

calories out: 286 kcal

total: 778 kcal

I know, these two afternoon snacks were unnecessary, but I had to drink the strawberry yoghurt because my mom bought donuts and the yoghurt helped me with my sugar cravings. About the pizza, I only had a ✨tiny✨ piece, so it should be fine as long as it helped me with my cravings. To burn some calories I walked a little bit around the house and while doing it I reached almost 7.000 steps. I know it’s not a lot, but I had a lot to study so there wasn’t much free time left to walk 💁🏻‍♀️