#also hoping i can get myself to delete the bit where i for some reason go on about how grapes don't grow in jotunheim

[nostalgia-tblr]

Oh hey, a second chapter! This is the one where they get married. Yep, jumping straight to the legal nuptials here. Efficient! It's still not actually E-rated yet, that'll be the next update (because Wedding Night).

Title: The Winter Of Our Discontent (Chapter 2/?) (AO3) Fandom: MCU Rating: Explicit Pairing: Loki/Sylvie Wordcount: ~1700 for this chapter Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Arranged Marriage, Canon Divergence - Thor (2011), Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Blood and Violence, Sexism, Weddings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added Chapter Summary/Extract: “The last time I saw you, you were blue from head to toe and murdering my brother.”

[furiousgoldfish]

(tw mention of suicidal thoughts)

Alright so I am writing this because I can't find anyone to talk to, and my brain is letting me know that I need to talk about it somewhere.

I am falling depressed, and I'm unsure if it's genuine depression, or some sort of deep grief that is just feeling very similar. And I've already looked up what you're supposed to do if you're trying to break out of depression; I am sleeping full 8 hours on a regular sleep schedule, I shower regularly, I do my best to eat regular meals (sometimes it doesn't happen due to lack of energy), if I have any energy left in me, I take a little walk, I pay attention to my surroundings. I do my best to answer messages and to socialize, even superficially, with the people I see.

However, despite me doing all that, the deep feeling of sadness is persevering, in fact it gets worse after my walks, I end up going home in worse feeling of dread than before.

I was going to keep trying to break out of it, and then today something bad and triggering happened, and my mind just went very dark. Like what is even the point anymore? I started considering if anyone around me would be impacted by my suicide. And then just tried to dissociate from the bad thing that happened, tried to create reality in which it didn't. Like I could ignore it out of existence. Like maybe if I just curl up over there and never look at anything ever again, maybe then bad things would go away.

I tried to comfort myself thinking I could, at least, tell people around me and see if anyone would say anything kind or helpful, but people around me did not care at all, would go on about their troubles instead and looked at me like I was weirdo for complaining. Which again, made me feel like talking to people was the worst idea ever and like I was dumb for even engaging, I should have known I'm alone in this.

So now I'm back to sinking down in my grief, occasionally getting numb from it and sinking again. I had periods, years of grief in the past, and it just feels like you're slowly dying, right, and it doesn't stop and it feels suffocating and like you'd do anything for it to stop. But also in the past, I knew what I was grieving; it was the loss of my delusion of family, loss of hope that I will have family members who are in any way safe for me, loss of security and safety that comes with family, acknowledgment that I was abandoned and left with predators for the most of my life. I thought I was done grieving about all that, because for a while I just didn't think about it, and it didn't bother me. I don't think that's what I'm grieving now.

It's actually hard to pinpoint it, because my memories are mostly gone, but I think it's the loss of friendships in my life. I've tried hard to build connections with other people, even as scared and reluctant I was feeling about it, but it always fell trough, and left me feeling with less hope. The ends of friendships were so traumatic for me, that my memories of the entire friendships got deleted. And I can tell right now that hearing anything about people having friends, spending time together and helping each other, that usually sets my grief off, and causes me to start crying regardless of where I am. I tried to recall my past memories of friendships, but all I get back are things I never want to feel or live trough again. Every memory feels like enough reason never to interact with a person again, all of them cut so deep I have to dissociate from them right away.

And basically I don't know what to do. I am losing every bit of my willpower or energy to do anything. Even with my best efforts to stay upright, to interact with my environment and go to walks, I'm only out of bed while I'm working. And I'm randomly bursting into tears and collapsing while I'm doing my job. I am messing up basic tasks. There isn't any activity that isn't exhausting. And everything I cared about feels like nothing to me. I can't even imagine a future, which is usually what I did to pull myself out of bad moods, I would imagine a future where I had a home of my own, and security that I would be able to survive there without having to fight for my life. Now it feels like even if I had that, I would just still want to die.

I've been slowly falling into this place for months, but it is more real today than at any time before. I've put so much effort not to end up feeling like this but... it only makes me more sad to know I'm in this mess anyway. I don't know what to do. I've tried interacting with people, I've tried befriending people, every new interaction feels like it's going to drown me further.

[thenightfolknetwork]

Hello,

I’ve found myself entangled in a bit of a situation, and I’m hoping you can help me make a decision.

I am what is known as a boroboroton. I am, specifically, a twin sized pale coral futon, of quality make with silk innards, if you can believe it. I’m not a full set, I’m ashamed to say- lost my mattress - but I get by. I manifested some fifty years ago (roundabout the time of my mattress’s loss) and since then have changed owners a handful of times.

I like to learn new places thoroughly so I don’t often smother my sleepers right off, but I was getting bored and there was a shop down the street that did second hand and my owner was getting on in age, you know how these things go.

Anyway! Once I was in the shop I was purchased by a young man from the United States. It’s been quite the exciting move, to be honest- I don’t get slept on nearly as much as I used to save for the family cat, but I do get used for television and games, so I’ve come up to date on all sorts of media, and I’ve even gone outside for a picnic! It was lovely.

None of that’s why I’m writing, though. My new sleeper is, as I said, a young man. He was in Japan for a religious trip, a- a mission. He was a missionary, from- I believe they’re called Mormons? And to each his own and all that you have to take a long view of things when you’re half a sentient futon with a bent for murder, but I don’t think it’s good for him.

See, he keeps looking up information about leaving, and then deleting the searches. There’s another person who messages him often and I think it might be his lover. His lover’s name is Steven, which I am certain that these Mormons- and more importantly his parents- would not approve of. They keep making noise about sacred duties and marriage and temple sealing and someone named- Crystabeth? Crystal Meth? I can’t quite tell, I learned English rather on the fly.

It would of course be much easier for my sleeper to leave a religion that no longer fulfills him if his parents were out of the way and it wouldn’t be hard, just a nights’ work. I might be sold again or put in an attic but I have my ways and I’m an adventurous sort. Only I’d hate to interrupt all the researching he’s doing.

I could smother him, then he wouldn’t need to worry about what might happen if he left, but where would that leave Steven? Steven sends the loveliest late night texts.

Is it any of my business? Do I just let it lie? He’s been a good sleeper, brought me across a whole ocean AND looked up the best way to keep me clean! I hate that he’s so miserable.

For what it's worth, I think you're quite right in your assertion that your owner would be better off out from the clutches of people who are stifling his sexuality and pushing him to place duty to their church over his own freedom.

There is a reason many people consider Mormons to be a cult. They are a high-control group which expects – and enforces – an unhealthy degree of power over their members, using the threat of ostracisation and punishment to curtail their liberty. I'm not at all sure I would apply the otherwise admirable sentiment of “to each their own” to such a group.

With that said, I'm afraid I can't agree that leaving the church would necessarily be easier for your owner if his parents were to suffer some kind of tragic, nocturnal “accident”. Rather, I worry such an emotional blow would in fact leave him more vulnerable, and give others in the church leverage to use against him – the phrase “it's what they would have wanted” looms darkly upon the horizon.

Your suggestion of smothering your owner himself is also rather wanting in nuance. The goal here is to support him to make his own choices, not to remove the question of choice altogether. I can't help but wonder if your perspective might be a little limited by your form. To a man with a hammer, everything's a nail. To a sentient murder futon, everything's a potential futon murder.

Fortunately, it sounds as if he might be well on the way to making this difficult decision for himself – which is, after all, the only way this change can come about. If he's already doing his own research about leaving the church, and developing a support network separate from his church contacts, then it seems only a matter of time before he takes the plunge and leaves for good.

I'm afraid there's not much you can do right now to help him come to that point any faster. He needs to find his own path, and to find it in his own time. The best thing you can do for him right now is offer him just what you've always offered – a safe, supportive place where he can take a breath, research his options, and relax. The rest – so to speak – is up to him.

[camilaxmartin]

request: Could you do a Vanessa x Reader fic, where the reader falls for her, but due to their past, constantly being rejected, or falling in love with awful people. The reader begins to distance themselves from her and ignores her calls, texts, and doesn’t talk to her on the night shifts. One night Vanessa comes in and sees reader isn’t there but sees a note, explaining themselves. Telling Vanessa that you can come and talk to them in another room or just leave and never talk to them again.

Also, could I be 🦐 anon?

napkin with a name

my dear 🦐, i’m so sorry for the wait but school’s been a lot lately and also i’ve got some other stuff going on but im getting back to all the requests finally!! also im so sorry but i accidentally deleted your request as i published it too fast😭

navigation // information // masterlist

summary: request

warnings: angst (not proof read, i’ll probably do it later)

notes: i made mike our bsf here, hope you don’t mind!:) oh and i made a happy ending cause i couldn’t fully end it with angst😭 (it was my first time writing real angst so i hope and pray it isn’t bad💀)

requests: closed!!

12.05

i came to work today late as always, but i was surprised to notice i was the first one there. i walked around the pizzeria to look for any signs of mike but he wasn’t anywhere near. confused i went to our shared office, the camera room, just to find it empty as well. i let out a deep sigh and sat down on the chair before cameras to watch for him clocking in even later than me, but that never happened. a few hours went by as i lost any hope for him coming in today, i rolled my eyes at the whole situation and decided to give him a talk the next time we see about not even informing me im was gonna work alone tonight. watching the cameras i saw police car pulling up to the parking and let out a groan at the sight. what could it be this time? i wanted to groan again but then i saw a blonde leaving the car and heading straight to the door. confused i tilted my head and watched her as she calmly stood there and finally rang the bell. like on fire i stood up from my seat disturbed by the sudden sound and opened the door for her. she gently pushed the door and went in visibly looking for someone. i left the office and went straight to the entrance to meet her and ask what is the reason she showed up tonight. when i made my last turn i saw her and my heart immediately dropped. she was one of the most, if not the most beautiful woman i’ve seen in my life. collecting myself i went up to her and finally spoke up.

“hi officer, is there any problem?” i asked still being confused on her being here. she just laughed and i swear, the sound of it would be the death of me.

“name’s vanessa.” she said as she hand out her hand for me to shake. “and no, there isn’t any problem in particular i just wanted to see how you guys have been doing.. here.” she added and softly smiled, i would say even too softly. without thinking i shook her hand and smiled as well.

“oh. okay then.” i said more to myself, not having any idea how badly that one conversation would affect my many upcoming days.

14.05

tonight me and mike were sharing a shift again. surprisingly we both showed up at time so it was a pleasant one right from the beginning. around two am, a certain blonde police officer came up again. mike was a bit surprised at first but i explained to him that two days ago she was here too just to see how the shift was going. i don’t think he believed me but i couldn’t do much about it anyway. i walked over to the door to invite her in, mike following me with a bit sceptical look on his face. i chuckled as i reached the door opening it for the pretty blonde. her face almost immediately lighted up when she saw me. i could feel my face blushing.

“vanessa, this is mike. my shift buddy.” i introduced him as he gave her a small wave. she smiled to him waving back.

“i’m vanessa.” she greeted him with a wave back and i smiled at the interaction.

“is tonight any problem or you just checking up as last time?” i ask being more confident than natural even confusing myself. vanessa moved her eyes to me once again and chuckled.

“no problem at all, just checking.” my smile widened more as i moved away from the door to let her in. she did so, and started talking with mike again.

“i hope you, you both, don’t mind my presence here. i get all the shifts around here so coming in seems… like a bit of variety to my night work.” she said and mike just shook his head signalling that it’s okay for her to be here. she then looked at me and i did the same thing as he did, earning myself a beautiful smile from the beauty standing before me.

“it’s okay, we don’t really do much around here either” mike spoke up and she moved her attention to him once again. “and my ‘shift buddy’ seems to be excited with you being here” he said with a smirk and i rolled my eyes at him. she laughed at his words and walked away going to the stage room.

i walked up to mike and gave his shoulder a punch for what he said. he laughed at my actions and rolled eyes with a soft smile.

“what has gotten into you?” i asked being confused but mostly surprised at his previous words. he just looked at me with a begging look and laughed once again.

“please, i see how you look at her and how your face lighted up when she parked her car here.” he said and i felt my face blushing again. maybe there was a bit of truth in his words?

“don’t be ridiculous, she’s just some police officer and you’re acting like i she’s the love of my life” i said and scoffed giving his shoulder another punch. he dodged away and chuckled loud enough only for us to here.

“i’ve never said anything about her being the love of your life.” he said and smirked as i scoffed again. “and that’s exactly how i know, you like her at least a tiny bit.” he added and i rolled my eyes.

“you’re being outrageous, i’m just being nice, she seems nice so im being nice.” i tried to explain myself realising i was only digging my own grave. he laughed this time and i pushed him away walking away from him and following her to the stage room.

when i walked in i saw her standing before the stage talking to freddie. what an adorable sight. i took myself out of the trance and walked over, closer to her not wanting to spook her.

“they’re pretty cool.” i said with a smile looking at the animatronics. she immediately looked over at me and smiled.

“seems like they like you too.” she said with a laugh and i didn’t fully understand her but just laughed along with her. her eyes went to the animatronics again only to go back to my face again in a second. i smiled noticing it while looking at her too and smiling widely. she chuckled softly looking at my face and maybe it was my imagination but she stole a glance at my lips. i wanted to say something but mike interrupted us.

“i can watch the cameras for a while if you want to talk with her.” he said standing at the doorframe with a smirk on his face. oh god. i rolled my eyes moving my eyes from her to him and nodded my head.

“if you want to.” i shrugged and he laughed at the way i tried to sound nonchalantly. vanessa chuckled as well and i felt my face red up again.

“you know where to find me.” he said and saluted to me walking out of the room and going to the cameras once again.

vanessa looked at me with a grin as she fixed her belt, i swear she was doing that on purpose as well. she started to wander around the room looking anywhere but at me. i shook my head slightly at her actions.

“so…” she started and stole a glance at me going back to looking around once again. i stood there observing her with an uncontrollable smile widening on my face. “you’ve been working here for long?” she asked and i almost laughed at the question and the silence part she wanted to say but never did if i was working here for long with mike. i slowly started to walk to her putting my hands in my pockets.

“not too long, but some time, yeah.” i answered and smiled at my own mysterious words. she stood in her place and looked at me with amusement painted on her face.

“and how’s it been? you like it here?” she asked still looking at me as i was slowly walking towards her.

“it’s okay, at least i made a new friend when i started working here.” i said with a smile referring to mike and my relationship with him. she smiled at my words but i could see how that smile was turning into a smirk.

“a new friend huh?” she asked grabbing her belt once again looking at me gently rising one of her eyebrows.

“yup.” i chuckled being close to her now, maybe one meter away. “just a friend.” i added with my own smirk.

“i see.” she smirked fully now and looked me up and down not being so subtle about it.

“why?” i asked wanting to see how she was gonna reacted. her smirk just grew more.

“just asking.” she shrugged moving her belt along. i rolled my eyes playfully at that. “trying to see if i could ask you out.” she said bluntly and i immediately lost my smirked not being ready for her to be so straightforward. after a second my smile came back.

“maybe you could, just need to try.” i chuckled as she moved a bit closer to me reducing the space between us. vanessa bit her lip smoothly, looking at me with a smirk. she started the sentence but mike interrupted us again.

“don’t wanna ruin your moment or anything, as i was excitedly watching you two through the cameras, but that thing.. you know what thing… in our office broke down again and i need you to fix it.” he said scratching the back of his neck while looking at us. i looked at him with mercy in my eyes shaking my head.

“yes, sure.” i said and started walking to him being done with everything at that point. vanessa laughed and collected herself almost immediately, while clearing her throat.

“i’ll be going, just got another call.” she said and i looked at her over my shoulder with surprise. “we’ll get back to that conversation another day.” she added with a chuckle as she excused herself and walked out of the room, leaving my speechless, going to the office once again.

17.05

i was right on time again and smiled noticing that mike wasn’t there yet. i confidently walked into our office and put down my stuff sitting comfortably in the chair and looking at the cameras. what i didn’t expect was a police car pulling into the parking this early. i tilted my head and watched as vanessa left her car and walked to the door. leaving my office i quickly went to the entrance wanting to let her in. i smiled seeing her through the glass and immediately opening the door for her.

“mike’s not here?” she asked as she went in, looking around.

“nope, not yet at least.” i said and closed the door. “but he’ll probably get here soon, after last time i told him to always inform me if he’s not gonna make it.” i shrugged and looked at her with w smile.

“i see.” she chuckled and went to the stage room, i followed her like a lost puppy. she said her greetings to the animatronics and turned her attention to me.

“long time no see?” i laughed and she laughed as well, moving a bit closer to me. i tried to move back but unfortunately, or not, there was a table behind me so my legs just hit the wood. she chuckled at that and made another step towards me.

“you can say that.” she said softly, the smirk suddenly turning up to her face. i smiled dumbly to her observing as she was coming even closer to me with every second.

“why so early tonight?” i asked looking at her face and unconsciously licking my lips. her smirk widened.

“just wanted to see you.” she shrugged and i felt my face blushing once again. “and maybe i hoped for mike to be late.” she added with a chuckle and my eyes widened with surprise and amusement.

“any particular reason you wanted to see me, officer?” i chuckled as she was now standing directly in front of me, her nose almost touching mine.

“maybe, maybe not.” she said with a chuckle looking at my lips and licking her own. oh boy.

“hm?” i murmured not knowing why my voice suddenly got quieter. she looked back into my eyes and move her hands so she was leaning them against the table on both of my sides.

“maybe i enjoy spending your shifts with you.” she murmured as well, making our moment even more intimate that it already was. “or maybe i wanted to be alone with you.”

“or maybe both?” i chuckled softly looking at her lips as well noticing how the corners of it went up as i said that.

“maybe both.” she agreed while softly nodding her head, gently bruising her nose against mine causing me to giggle.

i chuckled and kept looking at her lips all the time wondering if she was gonna make the move or not. “well then, enjoy it.” i said softly, looking up to her eyes only to notice she was looking at my lips as well.

“oh, i am.” she said and looked into my eyes, kind of looking for permission to do what we both wanted to at that moment. i chuckled and nodded my head bruising her nose with mine.

vanessa move her head closer to mine, fully touching my nose with her and almost connecting our lips when we heard mike’s voice.

“y/n! i’m here finally!” he shouted and i immediately locked myself out of vanessa’s embrace going straight to him and leaving her hanging there, with a very confused expression on her face.

i walked to mike and greeted him, immediately pulling him to our office with a scared expression on my face. he looked at me confused and noticed vanessa in the stage room as we were passing by and his face immediately changed to worry.

when we finally reached the office i closed the door behind us and looked at him with a puzzled face. he bit his lower lip thinking about words he should use.

“again?” he asked and i felt tears collecting in my eyes. he opened his arms for a hug and i immediately went to hug him.

“again.” i said with tears now rolling down my cheeks, hugging him tightly, wetting his shirt.

it wasn’t the first time he saw me starting to like someone and then getting fully damaged mentally by just liking them. he knew about all my past relationships and how affecting for my mental health they were so it wasn’t an unusual sight for him. in the moment of i guess heat with someone the adrenaline covers my fears but seconds after i feel like crying and screaming for not wanting to go through all the pain and trauma relationships can bring. vanessa was making me feel all bubbly and happy again but every night when i got home from shifts with her i spent half of the day crying not knowing why i was actually feeling that bad. i hoped it would be different this time but the fear of rejection and bringing myself back to normal life again was stronger than any bubbly feeling.

i hugged mike tightly once again and then let go of him, looking with puffy eyes at his face. he just grabbed my hands and stroked them not saying a word but it felt like he said a thousand. i smiled tiredly to him and sniff trying not to cry once again.

“maybe it’ll be different with her.” he finally spoke up and my heart dropped even at the mention of her. “go home tonight, i’ll cover for you.” he said and i looked at him surprised but smiled even more.

“thank you.” i said and squeezed his hands going for my things and leaving the office. i walked to the entrance and looked over to the stage room, guessing i’d see vanessa there but she was gone. the stage room was empty and i felt this weird cold sensation in my stomach again. i squeezed my eyes and opened the door going straight to my car and driving home but not missing the fact that her police car was gone as well.

18.05

i was alone at work tonight, fate wanted me to have my own shift that night. i was sitting in my office and watching the cameras when i noticed police car pulling up to the parking. i rolled my eyes not wanting to see her tonight, still not being ready for whatever it was gonna happened to her. vanessa went up to the door and rang the bell once, twice, three times and i didn’t respond for once. observing her through the cameras she knocked on the door then looked straight into the camera waiting for something to happen but it never did. she let out a deep sigh and got back and to her car driving away. i let out a deep sigh myself and put my hands on my face, thinking. being tired of everything that i was feeling i grabbed a napkin that was laying nearby, grabbed a pen and started writing my heart out hoping to give it to her one day.

19.05

tonight it was mike’s turn to have his own shift. as soon as he entered our office he saw the napkin with vanessa’s name on it and knew i wouldn’t leave something like that unintentionally so he knew he should handle it to her when he sees her. he decided not read it, even though i wouldn’t mind it that much.

few hours went by and vanessa turned up to the pizzeria. she didn’t pick up on our schedules i guess. she knocked on the door and mike immediately went to open it.

“she’s not in today, it’s just me.” he said with a tired smile.

“that’s what i was hoping for.” she said inviting herself in and going straight to the stage room. mike looked at her confused but closed the door and followed her to the room.

“so uh- what brings you here?” he asked scratching his neck once again. vanessa sat down on one of the tables and let out a deep sigh.

“she doesn’t like me, does she? i was too straightforward, right? i did something wrong, didn’t it?” she asked quickly becoming an anxious mess. mike went to sit beside her and took out the napkin from his pocket not showing her it yet.

“no, you didn’t.” he said and showed her the napkin with her name on it. “y/n is just… she has been through a lot and it may not seem like it but every interaction with you gave her a headache. and not the right kind.” he explained and vanessa’s face darkened even more, looking away from him.

“she doesn’t like me back. i knew it.” she said and wanted to hop off the table but he grabbed her wrist, stopping her from doing so.

“that’s not what i meant.” he said and squinted his face. “look, y/n just… she doesn’t know how to get used to those type of feelings again because of everything that has happened to her.” he said and let out a deep sigh. “it’s not about you, if i’m being honest you’re the least important thing in this whole mechanism. it’s not about you, it could be anyone and it would be the same.” he said and vanessa felt like she was going to start crying in a second. “but if i’m being honest, you’re the right person.” he added and she looked at him confused. “y/n normally wouldn’t even let anybody she found attractive near her in fear.” he said looking at the napkin in his hands. “but with you… she did. and you know how close she let you get. it means you must be different. in a good way.” he said and she uncontrollably smiled. “listen, i’m not gonna talk for her so just have this and… decide what to do with this. but please, don’t let her get false hope. she… im afraid she couldn’t take it.” he said and gave her the napkin also hopping of the table. “i’m going to my office, you know where to find me.” he said and left the room leaving vanessa with the napkin in her hands.

she looked at it anxiously and finally opened it, seeing a handwritten letter written to her.

dear vanessa,

i’m so sorry for everything that happened i mean, when i just ran away scared. sadly i can’t control all the things that im feeling, but believe me i wish i could. you didn’t do anything wrong i would say you did an opposite to that i just… i dont know how to handle what im feeling and i really don’t want to ruin anything. when im with you, you’re making me feel like im on top of the world but when im alone again i feel like a piece of shit. i know it’s fully my problem so i don’t want to bother you with this or anything else connected to me but i just wanted you to know that u really like you and i literally would do anything for these feelings to go away but i can’t. if i wasn’t feeling all of this i would’ve already asked you out and probably ask you to date me but even the thought of it makes me feel like im going to vomit. not because of you, of course, but just at the thought that something can go wrong i just… i hope you understand and i hope this letter doesn’t hurt you as much as it does me. i would do anything to fall for you without feeling… the way i am.

y/n

vanessa felt her eyes water up as she read the last sentence of the letter. she squeezed the napkin in her hands and immediately got off of the table walking straight to her car and driving to my apartment. i have never told her where i live so i guess being a police officer comes with its pros.

when she knocked on my door i was confused on who would be at my door at this hour but when i went to open it and saw her my heart dropped again, just like when i first saw her. i wanted to close the door but she grabbed it first.

“please, let me talk to you.” she said holding the door and looking at me with tears in her eyes. i shrugged and moved away from door letting her in. she closed the door behind her and immediately went after me. “listen to me.” she said grabbing my wrist and i looked at her surprised and scared. she immediately let go off my wrist and took a deep breath. “will you give me two minutes?” she asked and i nodded my head, standing in front of her.

“quick.” i said, being able to only get one word out do my throat.

vanessa took another deep breath and looked into my eyes. “i want to try. i want to see what will turn out from this. i know you’re scared, but i don’t want to hurt you, i know you probably heard it a dozen times, but please, give me w chance.” she said and tears started to form in her eyes. “i want to be with you for as long as the world will let me and even after that. we don’t have to jump into relationship of course, but i just want to be here for you even as a friend. don’t just cross me out of your life because you’re scared. i know how it is, believe me but…” she looked away and blinked a few times. “i want to try with you. i want to be here for you i want… i want to be yours and more importantly i want you to be mine. not on my conditions, not on yours, not on the worlds conditions, on ours. however we make them. i want to be here when you need me or when you just want to talk about everything and nothing. i want to be in your life and i want you in mine. when i first say you that day i knew i wanted to try and i hoped and still hope you’ll want to try as well. i don’t want to scare you or hurt you and ill do anything in my will not to do those things but if i eventually do, just tell me and i’ll do better, for you.” she said and grabbed my hands with her squeezing them. “please, i don’t want to loose you so quickly without even getting to know you. i want to give you my days and nights to just try and help you overcome your fears and everything bad that you’re feeling. i want to be that person and i know it might hurt one day, cause we never know what’s going to happen to us, but… isn’t it at least worth a try?“ she asked and a single tear rolled down her face. i bit my lower lip thinking what to say.

“okay.” i say simply and softly not being able to say anything else, being overwhelmed by her words and everything i was feeling at that moment. she smiled, and i knew this smile already was the death of me.

she let go off my hands and gently put her own on my face stroking my cheeks with a smile and tears still floating from her eyes.

“can i kiss you now?” she asked and i looked scared and felt scared but decided to agree, after all.

i nodded my head and her smile grew even wider. she moved her face closer, touching my nose with hers and just staring into my eyes for a long moment of silence. after a while i smiled to her my hands going to her belt and moved my head up so our lips would finally touch. she kissed me immediately, but she did it so softly i almost didn’t feel the kiss. our lips danced together for a moment and then she leaned away looking into my eyes again. i smiled to her and giggled not feeling so scared or trapped anymore, nor as close as i did that day in pizzeria. her smile widened as well as she whispered.

"i hope none of us is gonna regret it, ever."

[who-do-i-know-this-man]

I made a mistake. Several actually. Several very severe mistakes. And this post isn't meant to make it all ok, I have accepted that many are rightfully mad at me, but I do hope that I can at least have some context to the mistakes I made and why I made them.

First let me say that I am privileged. That much is true. I am a white man in the american suburbs. I have the luxury of not only not being personally affected by many social issues but not even having to witness them. But I still want to be a good person. And part of that is learning about these social issues by talking and interacting with people online. But I'm still not perfect. I'm barely an adult and I have a lot of growing to do as a person. And hopefully with this in mind it will make some of the mistakes I will go over just a bit more understandable.

Back in mid march I made the submissions post for this blog, and did not expect to get as many as I did. I then spent a month taking as many submissions as I could and putting them in a list. All in all I ended up with over 2000 characters. From that alone it should be understandable why I couldn't research every one before releasing the bracket. I even ended up with many mistakes like incorrect labeling and duplicate characters.

However the first true mistake came later. I was making the poll posts themselves and I got to Lance. I knew I should have done something at the time but I didn't exactly know what. It was one poll and I was doing 16 polls per day minimum, but ideally double that so that I could have a backlog of posts. So I didn't spend as much time thinking about the issue as I should have and the conclusion I came to was that at the end of the day it was a fictional character, and if I properly content warning it it will be fine. Anyone who is sensitive to that imagery can block it. This is largely where my ignorance came in. While it may sound improbable to those who do know more I promise you I genuinely thought that I was doing no harm. And while I won't lie and say I am now a master in the topic now I do have a better understanding of the harm that this decision caused. Additionally my pride got to me. I am very proud of having "the biggest bracket on tumblr" but I had already had quite a few be disqualified for being duplicates or real people, so I didn't want to make the bracket any smaller and lose prestige. This was far from the main reason I kept him in, but it was morally wrong.

People's response to the original poll was mixed. There were people who immediately asked me to remove him, but others were on my side in saying that he should stay since he's a fictional character and his morals don't matter. So I defaulted to the stance I already had, and did nothing. This was a mistake. Above all else I should have prioritized everyone feeling safe and comfortable on my blog.

But the last night it was about an hour later then I should have been asleep and my brain was incredibly stupid, and things started to go down hill. I got the first ask in a while about Lance, and I decided to put an end to the issue. My way of doing this was doing a poll. In my mind this was my way of accounting for my ignorance. I don't know much about how severe this issue is, so I'll put it in the hands of people who did.

This poll also got mixed results. Some said I should just have the conviction to eliminate him myself, but others brought up things about that character I didn't know, like how he apparently has a character arc of learning fascism is bad, or that he has other visuals where he's wearing different outfits. I also got messages from fans of the series who thanked me for giving the character a chance. This made me feel comfortable in being a "neutral party". However with the notes I felt that I should "do this right" which unfortunately led to me doing the exact opposite.

I deleted the original poll, where 70% were in favor of disqualifying him. I didn't think it was a big deal since it had only been up a few minutes, but this was yet another mistake. I made a new poll, which included info that had been told to me since the previous poll. But the problem was that what I had actually written was not good. It was almost midnight at this point, so while I tried to remain a "neutral party" I ended up having the info show a very clear bias. And considering the character in question, people began to wonder why I was trying so hard to keep him in the poll. This led to many replies on the poll that began to overwhelm me. I was starting to realize the mistakes I had made and just how deep of a pit I had dug myself in. I panicked. I turned off replies and deleted all the ones on that were on the poll so that I could say everything I wanted to say interrupted. This backfired, and led to people going to the reblogs instead. And me deleting all the replies looked BAD. While I was trying to get the things I wanted to say out the post had spread. Spread even outside of the people who normally know this account. People who knew nothing of the history and structure of this blog, who thought that I had seen a character who was a Nazi and thought "sure come right in" and I was now trying desperately to keep him in.

This understandably made people very mad when that was their perception. Many many people were saying terrible hurtful things to me. Their heart was in the right place but even now I do not agree with the kind of harassment some stooped to. At this point I was in a full blown panic attack. Every bit of damage control dug me deeper into the pit. I decided that I needed to deal with this situation with a clear head so that I didn't make more mistakes in a panic. I deleted the poll about Lance's elimination and went to bed.

That brings us to this morning. I have announced that Lance is disqualified, and deleted the original poll containing him. I promise you all that I will try my hardest to prevent anything like this from happening again on my blog. I want to make things as right as I can. And I hope now you all will believe me when I say that I am not a Nazi, or an antisemite, I'm just a privileged idiot who made some dumb mistakes.

[quanticq]

Hey Q! Sorry for bothering you, but for some reason I can no longer find any of your tik tok accounts 😭 Did they get deleted or something?

Hi this is Q! I’m coming out of the woodwork to address this, since I did went radio silent out of the blue so it’s not a bother at all

The short answer is Yes, I deleted my tiktok

Yes delete not deactivate, I’m not coming back to That app or IG or Twt, I deleted my socials except here and YouTube, I honestly felt so overwhelmed with everything, I realized I’m not even posting for myself anymore there. A lots of people crossed my boundaries time and time again I felt so helpless, bitter with myself. I guess I was just overwhelmed with the attention I got; both positive and negatives ones.

Im done and I want to start over so that’s why I’m here and on YouTube, I already posted some of these on my community tab on YT but here’s what I have in mind for the future of the content I want to create: more detail under the cut, and also;

CW: very brief mention of spiraling, harm inflict oneself or others, paranoia, etc

•Long-form content: my attention span is a bit messed up from consuming and making short-form content to the point where I can’t focus in university. I want to create something meaningful. It’s not that my previous content was not meaningful, no. I had fun and no time is wasted when I have fun, it was warm… but as I mentioned earlier, I just felt this lingering bitterness the longer I stayed making those short-form content. It really felt like I was on the verge of losing it. Especially with how the bigger following I have the less people think of me as a person than just another content creator you see on the internet,

I want to create long-form content, I’m so tired of forcing myself to generate 15 second content. On tiktok it just feels like I’m just creating and not really connecting. I want to try something new, maybe create an open space for meaningful discussion in the comments. I don’t think I can stand another copy-paste tiktok comment anymore. You know what I meant if you’re frequent on that app.

•Art Content with Commentary: and don’t worry this won’t be those petty artist drama issue, but I will still cover anything serious

it could be love letters or video essays ranging from fan fictions, fandom culture, the art scene and so much more. I may even share a bit of my personal life, this will be self indulgent after all! I want to make it fun for myself and as well to those who comes across my channel. I really REALLY want to create a genuine following.

On tiktok it’s so easy to gain following but not so easy to retain them, it’s mostly because of the algorithm and the FYP feature there.

On Tiktok most content that would get featured as an artist there would be creative work has to be either; more than exceptional which is pressuring enough already to consistent posters, straight up suggestive content shown to minors (tiktok doesn’t really have a blocked keywords feature but it’s so disheartening to see these creators intentionally not using the sensitive warning since it could limit their reach significantly) oh yes we can’t forget the negativity surrounding beginner artists or “art lore”

All of this cesspool of negativity, it’s a whole can of worms but it will be one of my prominent topics that I wish to discuss in my future art commentaries. I hope you guys are looking forward to those! I might bring in a few people or so to talk about it with me

and finally;

•Streaming: I used to do a lot of streams during the weekends on the clock app and it was super fun! I want to bring that back but that would have to wait since I’m unfamiliar with some features on YouTube, and I’m aware that YT does not have a discoverable feature for stream but that’s alright, I want to start something small first.

In short; I’ll figure it out! just need some baby steps before I start streaming again.

.

I apologize for deleting everything out of the blue, if I’m gonna be honest it was partially planned because I’ve been thinking about deleting my tiktok, twitter and Instagram for a while now but how it happened? In my breakdown I realized that I don’t want anyone to see me spiral, especially now that I realized how young my audience are, I’m not sure how that happened but I guess posting fandom contents does attract the young ones somehow inevitably, even though my content is nowhere near as suggestive, but I do talk about serious topics from time to time… but I digress, its not fair for them to deal with me if they see me spiral publicly,

it is especially not fair to them to console me. When I was younger than 14, I’ve been in a position where I have to talk down someone who was older, maybe 4-5 years older than me, from harming themselves or anyone, it was traumatizing and unpleasant. I don’t wish for anyone to go through that, it’s very painful.

It’s been… hard for me to ground myself. Ive been seeing things through a kaleidoscope of emotions; I was trying to focus on everything but it’s just too overwhelming so eventually I cracked. But please don’t worry I’ve been doing better now, after some time away from my online persona, and of course spending time with my beloved girlfriend, I see things much more clearly now.

Thank you to anyone who read this and much so appreciate those who understand where I’m coming from

Also now that I think of it can my stuff be considered as lost media now? Amazing! But please don’t be sad the fun I had was genuine!

Thank you again to those who genuinely enjoyed my content on tiktok but it’s time for me to try my hand at something new, I will still be dwelling in my creative headspace just.. away from public for now,

if you’re looking forward for my future post, make sure to check out my YouTube! I still have a lot I need to cook hehe, this is one of the few!

More post soon, Bye bye! -Q

[brisquad-unit-4402]

hello i’ve got some thoughts and updates for this blog.

i’ve been on a bit of burnout for a while, including life outside of writing. naturally the termination has sped up that burnout. i’m exhausted and struggling to be graceful about it, but that’s to be expected. i’m not one to sit on my feelings even though i’ve lacked the energy to write. which really bites because that’s my number-one passion really.

however i’ve taken some time to relax by diverting my attention away from social media and niji streams. i’ve relearned an old hobby and splurged a little too much on a new one, and i kind of can’t believe how much i missed drawing on real paper with a real pen and pencil. and thank god the love and deepspace sponsorship wrapped up before the termination, because that game has me in not just a chokehold but like one of those umbilical cords from astral projection. the silver cord? that

i’ve been watching other vtubers lately as well. i’ve always considered adding holostars en to my list but hesitated because everything else on my blog was niji-related.

consider this confirmation that i will be adding holostars’ tempus hq, vanguard and armis, and first stage productions’ avallum to my list of characters i will write for. i admit i’m not as familiar with armis, but i’ll be paying closer attention in the near future as i branch out from strictly watching niji only.

(might also be adding idol corp’s e-sekai? maybe? i watch them once every few months and i haven’t seen pochi or yuko stream since they debuted 💀 no clue on their gen 2 either)

i’ll be overhauling my masterpost for organization soon. so apologies for the horrors about to come… to be clear i will not delete any of my writing so don’t worry!

i’m unsure how much niji i’ll write in the future. give me some time to think as the situation hopefully cools down. i appreciate your patience.

and who knows maybe i’ll write for non-vtuber fandoms too

i think it’s about time i clean my inbox out soon too. i‘ll answer what asks i can and delete the remaining ones. i’ve had a few requests sitting in my inbox for nearly a year now and i’ve recently realized how stressed i was over them and learned about some boundaries i didn’t know i had beforehand, among other things, so so it’s about time i face them head-on. i apologize if i never got to your request! please don’t take it personally if i don’t answer your request. but above all else thank you for being patient, understanding, and kind enough to send in a request. even though i tend to bite off more than i can chew i always get so happy whenever i see a notif in my inbox and i appreciate your time for a little unit 4402.

even though i’m not watching niji streams atm i’m hesitant to stop writing for them because, like, i keep thinking of this clip of doppio saying he feels like he’s allowed to buy healthy/organic food because of fan support and donations, and among other reasons... it’s very easy to make conclusions on people you only know through a screen and i just can’t bring myself to cut them out so abruptly, even if i’m a fan creator on a site none of them use.

idk when i’ll post next and it feels nice to say that. i usually try to post once every 2 weeks, but considering how i’m trying not to think about niji right now and am instead embracing other parts of my life, i dunno. it’s nice. this blog is a major source of joy for me and it feels like i’m preserving what makes it so special for me instead of turning it into a chore. hopefully with time and rest i’ll have a clearer idea of where to go from here.

that’s pretty much everything on my mind, i think? thank you for bearing with me and my yapping. i hope to return soon and that the next time you see me, my blog will be cleaner, more expansive, and with a fresh mindset. take care of yourselves and don’t get immersed in toxicity. don’t forget to do what you love 💛

[zaharya]

ADHD science ramble – a comment response

So if you know me at all, you know I have ADHD and also a neuroscience degree. Meaning sometimes I ramble a lot about the science behind ADHD and ADHD meds. Generally, people appreciate it at best, or ignore it at worst – but apparently not on reddit! So, I'm coming home – forgive me for straying, Tumblr, please give me back my belief in people's ability to understand nuance.

The comment below was in response to a post asking about ADHD medication, including concerns about stimulants and addiction, and the question of "will I quit these meds or is this a life-long thing". They also mentioned "rejection sensitive dysphoria" (which is not a medical term!) and asked for other people's insights on any of these things. I tried to give that. The original post is now suddenly deleted, and the comment was invisible even before then for whatever reason (I won't speculate whether it was censored by the mods or not, it doesn't matter.)

But since those are all pretty general topics and this was a lot of effort to write, I'm re-posting it here in the hopes someone will benefit from it – it may just read a bit odd at times because it addresses the OP of that post. So if ADHD medication, treatment approaches, stigma, or emotional dysregulation are at all relevant or interesting to you, give it a glance. There's a TL:DR at the bottom as well. If Tumblr could stop bitching at me about the formatting that'd be great. Please ignore potential oddities with the list levels.

COMMENT RESPONSE IN VERBATIM

OKAY SO, buckle in my friend because you have activated my ADHD research deep dive mode. For the record and some context as to where I got all this; I have a BSc in Psychology, and did a research masters in cognitive and clinical neuroscience. Throughout both degree programs, I've written every single paper I could choose the topic for about some aspect of ADHD. (I do not have a license for psychotherapy yet, but I am getting one.) I also just have ADHD myself. What I’m trying to say is: I know way too much about ADHD and now I must tell you about it because what else am I supposed to do with it — ANYWAY … I should probably structure this somehow so it’s less overwhelming. We’ll try this:

Medication

Strattera/Atomoxetine (ATX); how it works, why it may or may not be working for you

Stimulants; how it works, evidence regarding the risk of dependency and abuse, connections to other substance use (since you mentioned nicotine)

Long-term treatment plans; factors to consider / questions for you to evaluate for yourself

RSD — probably a rant, first; why buzzwords are counterproductive even if the experience is 100% valid

Emotional dysregulation; research again, also potentially about meds

rejection sensitivity slkjdsjfs it escalated, help

Community and peer support

Yes? Yes. Feel free to skip any parts that are too sciency, if that doesn’t interest you!

First of all, congratulations on your diagnosis! You’ve already made one of the hardest steps. But let’s get into it, shall we?

ADHD Medication

Non-stimulants / Atomoxetine (ATX)

I must say, I am quite surprised that you were prescribed ATX as your first option, given that stimulants are very firmly established as first-line treatment.

Regardless, a couple of facts about it: ATX is a selective noradrenaline (NA) reuptake inhibitor, which also affects dopamine (DA) levels, specifically in the prefrontal cortex (PFC) because— well because brain chemistry. (I’m trying very hard to keep this simple, can you tell?) Basically, the idea is to regulate DA levels through an indirect mechanism via NA. And that works pretty well, generally. ATX is effective for approximately 50-60% of people, and the effects reach moderate strength.

Now you said that you don’t really notice any effect; that can have several possible reasons:

It just doesn’t work for you; 50-60% of people show a response, sure — but the other 40-50% do not! Unfortunately it is possible that you simply are part of those 40-50% non-responders.

The exact mechanisms of that are still unclear, but there are many factors that might influence someone’s drug response, including individual differences in metabolism, genetic factors etc. --- we’re still researching that

ATX, unlike stimulants, doesn’t necessarily have immediate effects. Full therapeutic effects are generally not evaluated until at least 2-3 weeks after starting it. That also means that the effects can develop slowly, which can make them harder to notice because it’s a somewhat gradual change.

On top of that, if your doctor is even the slightest shred of competent (which I hope), they’ll probably have started at a fairly low dose, meaning that;

you might just not feel it yet, but the effect may still emerge

you might need a higher dose; if that’s the case, this increase is generally done step-wise and quite slowly, to monitor the effects (and side-effects) properly. I suggest asking your doctors about what kind of trajectory they have in mind, so you can decide whether that suits you.

You mentioned mood swings; definitely mention that to your doctor! Psychological side-effects of ATX should be closely monitored

Note that this is especially important if someone has (potentially undiagnosed) comorbid disorders. I don’t know whether that’s the case for you, but better to be aware either way.

All that said, I also take ATX and I must say that on its own its effects are barely noticeable for me. It’s only because I know that my symptoms can be worse that I even consider it effective. I am an unusual case, though, regarding med-response etc. and I take ATX in combination with Elvanse (Lisdexamfetamine; LDX).

Which I guess brings us to stimulants. You say you’re reluctant out of fear to form a dependency, if I understand correctly. Well, the research is quite interesting in that regard — but let’s cover the basics first.

Stimulants

Stimulants, i.e., various types of amphetamines (AMP) and methylphenidates (MPH), are the standard first-line treatment for ADHD. Both AMP- and MPH-class drugs essentially increase the efficiency of the PFC —same as ATX — but where ATX only directly targets NA, AMP and MPH inhibit the reuptake of DA itself as well as NA reuptake. This direct effect on DA levels is basically (very basic; oversimplified even) what makes them stimulants. It is also likely the root for your concerns about dependence risks, because DA is involved in our reward-system in the brain — i.e. the thing that tells you “i want more of this”.

So, yeah, these concerns are not unfounded, HOWEVER

It is important to remember/note that a lot of the public narrative around ADHD and ADHD medication is heavily distorted by stigma. The number of people who worry about stimulants being addictive is leagues away from the actual prevalence of stimulant abuse/dependence.

This also kinda ties into your question about whether you will stop taking meds at some point or not; the idea that treatment must be temporary roots in the stigmatisation of mental health treatment.

I’m not saying that life-long medication treatment is a delight and a joy, but I also don’t think that it is the ultimate evil it’s sometimes made out to be. –– EXAMPLE: Think of a diabetic; they will need insulin for the rest of their life, but in their case nobody would ever suggest that them taking it is somehow a bad thing.

Mental health in general is unfortunately still heavily stigmatised, and that also impacts the narrative around treatment options, including medication. And more often than not, public beliefs about psychiatric conditions are downright and blatantly wrong.

In this particular case, actual research indicates that stimulant treatment actually decreases the risk for substance abuse in ADHDers. (Generally, adequate ADHD treatment reduces risks for all sorts of unpleasant things, like comorbid disorders, social isolation, divorce, accidents — I could go on. Not the point.)

The point is that overall, from a research perspective, the risk of drug dependence due to stimulant medication is quite low. Hell, literally everyone I know who takes ADHD meds will go “shit I forgot my meds” at least every other month or so.

Of course that doesn’t mean that we can all just pop stims however we like without a care in the world. As with any other medication, monitoring effects and side-effects together with a doctor is key.

With all that said, there is good reason why stimulants are first-line treatment for ADHD: 65-80% of people show a treatment response, and for a lot of people who don’t initially experience an effect, switching to another type of stimulant will often do the trick (total response rates of ~90%). Besides the fact that they work for more people, they also generally work better than non-stimulants, meaning that the symptom improvements are stronger for stimulants. Does this mean you should just get over yourself and go for stimulants because they’re clearly superior? Of course not.

Medication response is ultimately a very individual thing; it is basically impossible to know how you’ll react to any given medication before you try it. So in the end, it really comes down to what you want. It’s your decision, based on your priorities and values.

The same goes for your question of “will I take these meds forever” — that’s up to you!

Generally speaking, ADHD doesn’t go away. It is not something you grow out of any more than you can grow a second brain to replace the one you have. And our brains have ADHD. So, symptom-wise, we will always experience ADHD to some degree at least.

Of course, there are plenty of other treatment approaches such as CBT and literal mountains of helpful strategies to learn about and use. And that’s wonderful! Still, therapy alone is generally considered less effective than meds, but it does help. The best treatment approaches are multimodal, i.e. a combination of pharmacological treatment and behavioural interventions. Aka we take meds and go to therapy. Amazing.

So let’s say you’ve taken meds for a while, you’ve gone to therapy, you’ve learnt all the strategies — you decide to quit the meds. What happens?

Well first of all, nobody can know that beforehand, so keep in mind that these are hypothetical assumptions based on scenarios that research described as likely

Anyway, you quit whatever meds that ended up working for you. Ideally, you do that slowly so you don’t have any withdrawal issues, but eventually you’re off the meds. As a result, your brain isn’t getting that neurotransmitter boost anymore that the meds created (though some research shows that some benefits might persist, yay!), meaning that cognitive impairments are stronger again.

Does this mean all your symptoms come back? Well, yes and no. On a basic brain level, impairments return at least in part, but the strategies you learnt in therapy might still help you cope with those impairments better than you used to before.

So you might be overall more functional, thanks to those strategies, yes.

But strategies will not fix your brain chemistry, and if there’s no dopamine there’s no dopamine, and suddenly you spent all day in bed. Or you’re staring at your work open in front of you feeling like there’s a thick panel of glass between you and your screen/keyboard and you just cannot make yourself type. These things won’t go away, and strategies will not always do the trick

Personally, I dread the idea of living my life entirely off meds. My main hobby is writing, which is nearly impossible without my meds — and even if I had a less challenging hobby; I want to do things in life, not waste my time trying to get myself to brush my teeth. But, again, that is a very personal decision that you ultimately have to make for yourself.

Still, here are a few things to consider that might help you evaluate your options:

Need — what are your primary needs? Which symptoms are impacting you most? (Yes I’m getting to the RSD sfksjhgj)

Want — what are things you want beyond the most important needs? Where do your priorities lie?

Benefit — what benefit are you getting from [medication X]? How much positive effect does it have on your symptoms? On your life as a whole?

Need-benefit — do the benefits fulfil your essential needs? —> if not, that’s probably not the right med for you

Want-benefit — do the benefits fulfil your wants beyond the essentials?

Cost — what costs is [medication X] causing you? Do you have side-effects, if so what are they, how bad, how frequent?

Cost-benefit — do the benefits outweigh the costs, on a somewhat objective level? (effects vs side-effects)

Cost-benefit-want — Are the benefits worth the costs, also taking your individual values, concerns and goals into account?

This last one can get quite complicated, I’ll admit, but in the end I feel like this one is what tips the scale for a lot of people.

You could have the most amazing improvements, if you suffer side effects that keep you from something that is important to you, it’s probably not worth it in the end.

Vice versa, in my case, if it means I can write, I will accept that I’ll feel incredibly nauseated on some days for like 1-3 hours. It all comes down to individual choices in the end.

-deep breath- So, that was a lot, whops. So much, that I should actually go and work, so I’ll try to keep the RSD thing short. Conveniently, the AutoMod already summed up the most important bits:

RSD is not a recognised medical term

Instead of RSD, it is better to use concepts and terminology with solidly established definitions such as emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity to talk about the experiences people tend to label RSD

This is particularly important when consulting mental health professionals; well established concepts enable them to assess your symptoms and needs better than vague, ill-defined buzzwords. I have had people tell me they were going to switch to another doctor because theirs wasn’t familiar with RSD --- that is an issue!

Buzzwords like that tend to hinder treatment progress, because they are too vague to be properly informative. Most people have a very specific conceptual definition of RSD --- namely the one that describes their own symptoms best.

That renders it basically useless as a communicative device. Doctors cannot mind-read; you are doing yourself a favour if your communication (including terminology) is as clear as possible.

Obviously nobody expects you to know specialised medical terms --- just try to avoid buzzwords; of any kind! RSD is just a very very popular one and therefore warrants repeated clarification.

Now, just cause it’s not A Thing(tm), doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. And yes, the experience of rejection sensitivity in ADHD is valid and should not be dismissed!

Emotional dysregulation is actually one of the most prevalent and most impacting symptoms of ADHD, but because it isn’t part of the diagnostic criteria, a lot of people aren’t even aware of how much ADHD impacts emotions — and how much that impacts life for ADHDers. Emotional dysregulation leads to all sorts of other problems, like social isolation or comborbid mood disorders like depression or bipolar. So, clearly, it’s something should be addressed when it comes to treatment.

And would you look at that, they did! Yay!

Research shows that stimulants are effective for reducing symptoms of emotional dysregulation; as mentioned earlier, ideally you combine that with therapy.

Especially for emotional dysregulation, therapy — not just strategies, therapy — can be very beneficial, because emotions are hard. A lot of ADHDers, especially those that only get their diagnosis in adulthood, develop suboptimal coping mechanisms throughout their life that are very hard to dismantle without help. But resolving those patterns often makes an immense impact on the general quality of life.

Conclusion: Get a good therapist. It’s worth it. (Good = someone you trust and click with, you have to be comfortable.)

Now, one last thing (almost done I promise), because you said you don’t really have anyone to talk to about this:

I strongly encourage you to actively seek out ADHD communities in a format that lends itself to connecting with people on a personal level.

So, quick story time: Back in 2018, I (by complete coincidence) stumbled over a video of a TEDxTalk about ADHD on Patreon – who even browses Patreon?! Anyway, I watched it. Cried. A lot. Backed that Patreon immediately, before even looking at the actual YouTube channel it was for. The Patreon came with Discord rewards — I had never heard of Discord but there’s nothing like ADHD impulsivity, so I made a Discord account and joined that server.

Literally my whole life has changed since then. My perspective on ADHD has changed so so much simply through seeing other people having the same struggles, and yet they were still unique. And it was a wild ride. I look at some of the beliefs I used to have and am baffled at myself. But that’s not the main point, though knowledge always does help. No, the main point isn’t another strategy or lifehack. The main point are friends. True, actual friends who accept you, but also understand you.

When I joined that server, I very quickly met a lot of people. It was wonderful to suddenly be in a space where people related to my experiences that had previously always singled me out as weird or rude or incompetent or whatever. And all those people were lovely, but they’re not the friends I mean; most of them I am not in touch with anymore. I mean the select few. They are what made the biggest difference for me. I met one of my top two best friends like 2 months after joining the server, when we both became moderators. We later did community management together for over a year, until I moved on to other things — they are still Community Manager there! I flew to the other side of the planet for their wedding. We spend hours on video chat sometimes, both just working and hanging out because we like each other’s company (and it helps us focus). I can tell them anything, even if I hate what I did or didn’t do or say or think.

Those friends.

And I don’t know you, obviously, so maybe you already have that friend, in which case I’m very happy for you. But judging by your statement that you have nobody to talk to—

I’m not saying that joining an ADHD community will magically drop a best friend for you out of the sky, but it’s honestly not a bad start. Simply gaining the peer support of people who understand and relate to your experiences is worth it.

Okay, phew. Now I’m done. For your convenience;

TL;DR

non-stimulants might still take effect or you might need a different dose

stimulants are heavily stigmatised and the actual risk for substance dependence is quite low if the treatment is properly monitored by a medical professional

ADHD doesn’t go away; we will always have ADHD brains and there will always be issues that cannot be solved with strategies

It’s up to you to decide whether you want to take medication for it, and whether you want to take them long-term or not. I personally am fairly certain that I will continue to take these meds as long as I can. Even though there are downsides, the benefits are more than worth it for me.

Emotions are hard, everyone should go to therapy.

Make ADHD friends! (I personally really like Discord communities; I can recommend the HowToADHD community — that’s the server I mentioned earlier — but it’s unfortunately behind a (very low) paywall. If you don’t know that YouTube channel, I’d also recommend checking out Jess’s videos.)

But back to the point: Friends. Whichever platform you are comfortable with – try connecting with people beyond surface level conversations in public comments/threads/channels. Slide into those DMs!

And that’s all. That was way too long and I apologise. I hope any of it was helpful and understandable, I know I can get a bit sciency sometimes. If anything is unclear just ask. Good luck with your journey! It might be hard in the beginning, but it gets easier with time, I promise.

END VERBATIM

I hope anyone finds this useful, if only for validation. Shit's hard, but we'll all be fine, together.

[sotwk]

Behind the Scenes: SotWK's Writing Process

Welcome to a little "behind the scenes" of my attempts to keep my growing list of WIPS and story requests/ideas organized!

My Fic and HC Requests are (for the most part), always open, and open to Anons. Occasionally, I also invite requests in relation to writing events or games. Needless to say, I get quite a lot of requests, and I am both flattered and thrilled by that.

However, I also work full-time (albeit always in front of a computer), and I have two little kids (who attend preschool, whew), so I have much less time to focus on writing than most creators here.

But I love writing, and I love using it to make people happy even more. My rule is, I will accept any requests (that reasonably fall within my guidelines, but I can be flexible!) as long as you can wait patiently for me to deliver on them. I always give my best effort to make it worth your while, and I will never ignore your request or give up on it without checking with you first (yes, this includes Anons).

I have no wait list. I do not work on requests "in the order they were received". I work on whatever story speaks to and cooperates with me that day, and that means shuffling amongst up to five WIPs at a time. That's simply how my brain works, unfortunately.

All my fanfics / your requests are always, and forever will be, FREE. They're gifts I am honored to give.

I am constantly saying, "I'm working on it" or "It's on my list", and I would like to offer just a bit of proof of that. So, especially for those who have been waiting a long time (and those who might have to wait even longer), I present my Google Drive's Organized Chaos to show how I keep all those WIPs in check:

Drafts in Progress: Stories that are closest to completion, and the ones I am currently trying to focus on.

Drafts on Hold: Drafts that I have started, but have stalled, so they're on the back burner for now.

Headcanons: I usually draft my headcanon requests straight on Tumblr, but sometimes they go on here.

Ask Screenshots: Where I save Asks that I responded to/deleted, but I needed to save the text for the sake of notes. Also lovely Asks that I save for posterity.

Valentine Event: I received so many Asks for this event that it required its own folder.

Gifted Graphics: Always hoping for new contributions to this one! (not subtle enough?)

And now, for my Fic Tracker Spreadsheet, which tracks ALL Tolkien fics I write, both requests and my personal projects:

I redacted the "Requestor" column to preserve some surprises. I track the estimated "Status" aka percentage of completion as a way to motivate myself, because getting to that blessed 100% is the Holy Grail for me!

WIP: Every fic that's on the "front burner" and I'm actively fighting to complete.

Requests/Concepts: Contains details of all requests and ideas I have which will eventually jump into the WIP tab.

Valentine: Remember how I said I received so many responses to this event? Yeah. I'm still determined to finish them all, though!

To Read: Yup, I track all the fics of friends that I intent to read here, too. That's how important those are to me.

I truly hope all this info doesn't scare anyone off from sending in more requests! I hope this gives Readers/Followers a little more faith in me and show that I take all requests I receive very seriously. They are the most important part of what I do as a fanfic writer.

I may be slow, but I'm committed and determined!

If you have any questions about the above, or about your requests, I'm open! Please keep sending in requests! Thank you for your support and patience!

Link to my FANFIC REQUEST GUIDELINES

Tagging some of those folks who are currently waiting on requests: @quickslvxrr @laneynoir @ladyweaslette @scyllas-revenge @lathalea @g-m-kaye @absentmindeduniverse @aduialel @friendofthefellowshipsnerdblog @jordie-your-local-halfling @ladyk8tie @blueberryrock @the-phantom-of-arda @tamurilofrivendell @achromaticerebus @klytemnestra13 @glassgulls @the-fragile-heart-of-a-lady @guardianofrivendell @a-burr-a-hobbit @literary-eclair

[soapskneebrace]

stargazer and cool dice! also if you’re inclined to answer and if it isn’t too invasive/personal, I relate a little to well to reader in your fic and it’s insinuated that finishing can feel better like hello???(!) it’s not supposed to feel like that or is that not actually finishing??? what do I need to research to get on the next level - not even asking for a friend, I’m asking for myself (again feel free to just delete this - I don’t want to be disrespectful or cross any boundaries. I’d been praying one day you’d turn anon back on so I can ask)

Hmm, that's a tough one, because I feel like I can't give you any advice that you haven't heard--you just need to experiment more and try different things.

I know, I KNOW, that's such a vague answer lol. So here's some more concrete advice, on the assumption that you have a vagina and all its accessories (EXPLICIT SEX ED UNDER THE CUT FOLKS):

Find a dildo or other penetrative instrument with a clitoral attachment, make sure they both vibrate, and use it in different positions for longer than you would normally go. Try on your back, your stomach, your side, or even sitting up. What you're looking for is twofold: a too-much feeling on your clit, like, when you feel it positioned just right you'll want to JUMP out of your skin, and a tightening feeling around the penetrating part of the toy.

You're probably used to that really fast, intense wave that happens somewhere near the start--I don't honestly know if that's a climax or not, but I do know there's way more beyond it. You've just got to stick it out and dedicate some time to this, and don't be shy about moving the toy around. Try different angles on your clit, try different depths with the dildo (if you get one that's wide in the middle but tapers at the end you might have some great success with that). There's a sweet spot--you just have to find it.

You'll know you're there when it feels like you're about to shoot the damn thing out of your pussy by pressure alone. You might stop breathing (I do), because asphyxiation just helps to prolong it for some reason. I'm no expert lol I just know it helps.

Oh, and it's important to note, orgasm is way harder to achieve, I think, when you don't start out physically aroused. Yeah, you might feel it mentally, but when you feel it in your body it will feel like you're tightening up around nothing, like you're honestly a little bit sore. So spend some time on some sexy fanfiction, erotica, audio porn, or even real porn (although I tend not to find real porn arousing, because I'm usually uncomfortable witnessing other people being intimate--ymmv).

Overall don't be too hard on yourself and try to enjoy the experience. Accept also that it might not happen, and there's nothing wrong with you if it doesn't. It's really hard, when life is the way it is right now, when maybe you've been raised to believe that pleasure is a terrible thing for you to pursue, when you've been taught that your sexual experience is destined to be disappointing. Be patient and be the lover to yourself that you wish you had.

I just realized you asked for research advice and I just straight up told you directly what to do. I'm not sure where to send you for any other advice, because I truly never found any that helped. I figured this stuff out by experimenting, and that's really the best advice I can give you too. Try this out, and spend some quality time with yourself and learn about your own body. Hope that helps!

EDIT: @captainjamster reminded me of the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and I CANNOT recommend it enough. If you’re AFAB it is a great place to start. Nagoski goes into minute detail explaining the architecture of the vulva and the myriad issues that need addressing in order to achieve female pleasure.

[pink-tonic]

Swim to Your Heart's Content🔪

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Warnings: None

It's Friday, and it's an end to another week. Usually, on Fridays, I would be worrying about how I would confess to Taeko, but this Friday, I'm not feeling that.

I think I can say that I don't have feelings for her anymore.

But what now?

Sure, my world is still bright. Maybe a bit duller than before, but it's nothing bad.

I wonder if I'll ever feel love again?

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

When I make it to school, I don't know what to do with myself. I have no one to talk to. Osano is still here, but he is talking with his friends. Kizano is also here, but I'd rather not talk with him.

I decide to go to the courtyard. I walk through the dark blue doors, and I'm met with the cherry blossom petals raining down on the ground. I walk to where I usually would sit with Taro. When I make it to the white bench, no one is there. Taro would usually be here, but he must have gone somewhere else.

I take a seat.

I really don't know what to do. If I was still in love with Taeko, then I would look at pictures of her to pass the time. But I've deleted all of those pictures, so my phone is now empty. The only picture I have now is one of Osano's cat when I saved it from the stalker.

But I remember I do have to do something. I need to talk to my boss about not coming today.

I get up so I can go to a more secluded area. The courtyard is a busy area. The Cooking Club members always walk by handing out food, sometimes the bullies walk by, and some other random students walk by or talk with their friends.

I decide to go into the bathrooms. For some reason, the bathrooms are almost always empty, but I shouldn't complain since that's better for me.

I walk into the boys' bathroom and go into one of the stalls. I close the stall and take out my phone. I call my boss' number, and the phone starts to ring.

"Hello?" My boss answers.

"It's me. Aishi," I tell him.

"What happened, Aishi?"

"I can't come into work today."

"Why not?"

"It's because... I need to take care of my neighbor's dog."

"That's fine. You did work some extra shifts, so you can take the day off. Just call me again if you want to work an extra shift."

He hangs up the phone, and I put mine away in my pocket. I open up the stall door and step out.

But when I step out of the stall, I'm met with two people.

Taro and (Y/N).

They both look at me, but look away when I look at them back. We don't say anything to each other, but the bathroom becomes more tense.

I leave the bathroom quickly. But when I'm walking back to the courtyard, only one thought is on my mind.

Are they friends?

I know that they were just in the bathroom together, and that shouldn't mean a lot. But I can't help but think about it.

It would make sense for Taro to hang out with (Y/N). (Y/N) is friends with Taro's sister, so it would make sense for Taro to hang out with them.

But for a quick second, I felt anger, but also... jealousy.

I don't know why I felt this way when I saw them together. I understand why I felt anger, but why did I feel jealous?

And this jealousy was directed towards Taro. Am I jealous of Taro?

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

When I walk out of class, I hear someone running behind me. I don't think much of it till an arm slings over my shoulder and brings me closer to the person's body.

"Hey! I hope you haven't forgotten about our hangout!" Aso tells me with excitement.

The loudness of his voices causes students to look at us with amusement. I ignore their stares and try my best to leave Aso's hold.

"Yes, I remember," I reassure him.

"Great!" He exclames happily, "Let's go straight to the pool!"

Aso let's go of me and rushes down the stairs. I can hear the sound of his footsteps, but the sound eventually fades away once he gets to the next floor.

I start to make my way down the stairs as well, but I'm not as fast as him. I do eventually make it down to the first floor, but Aso is nowhere to be found.

I start to head to the pool, and that's where I finally find him. Aso is already in his bathing suit, and he is currently swimming around the pool.

I walk over to the edge of the pool, and he spots me. He swims over and lifts his swimming goggles up.

"Hey, Ayato!" He greets me, "You should get your bathing suit on, so we can start swimming together!"

I nod in agreement. I then leave and make my way over to the locker room. I walk over to my locker and open it up. I grab my bathing suit from off of one of the hangers. I start to take off my uniform and then slip on my swimming trunks. I place my bag in the locker and then my clothes. I close my locker and then head towards the pool.

Once I walk up the steps towards the pool, I'm met with a lot more people than before. Or maybe I didn't notice them before?

I notice two members of the Sports Club swimming around with Aso. I see two people sunbathing by the poolside. One of them is Osano, and the other is Kizano.

But I notice something about Kizano. He seems to be with someone else, but I can't tell who it is. He is blocking my view of the person.

I decide to go over to Aso and talk with him. To get to him, I have to walk past Kizano and whoever he is with.

As I walk by, I make sure to take a quick look at the person.

And it's (Y/N).

(Y/N) sees me walk past and ends up folding his arms over his chest. We make a small amount of eye contact, but I eventually walk past him and the contact breaks.

When I walked past him, I felt something. It was jealousy again. But I also felt my heartache a little.

Why am I feeling this way?

Why am I suddenly switching my feelings from Taeko to (Y/N)?

It doesn't make sense! I tried killing him only a few weeks ago, but now...

But now I want him like how I wanted Taeko.

This can't be...

"Ayato!" I hear Aso call my name, and I'm snapped out of my daze.

"C'mon! Let's start swimming!" Aso tells me as he turns around and starts swimming again.

I follow after Aso and go into the pool with him and the other members.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

While we swam, Aso would instruct me on how to swim better. He would show me different forms and help me out when I didn't get the form right.

As I swam, I could feel myself getting stronger. And that's exactly what I need. I need to keep growing stronger. So I guess today really did work out.

The sun is starting to set, and the school is about to close. The gym teacher ended up coming to the pool to tell us it was time for us to leave.

We all got out of the pool and walked back to the locker room to change.

"Wasn't that fun?" Aso asks me as we head back to change.

"Yeah, it was," I answer him.

"But after all that swimming, I'm starting to feel hungry! Let's stop by the convenience store!" Aso says while he walks into the locker room first.

"Sure," I quietly respond as I go in, too.

We change out of our bathing suits and change back into our uniform. I grab my bag and then close the locker.

Aso comes up next to me. "Are you ready to go?" He asks me.

"Yeah," I reply back to him.

"Alright, I'll see you guys in the next club meeting. See ya!" Aso yells out to the two Sports Club members who are still changing into their uniform.

"Bye!"

"See you later!"

We then start to leave the school. As we walk to the entrance, we see a few teachers roaming the grounds. When they see us, they wave at us and tell us to make it back home safely.

We eventually make it down the hill and walk onto the street. We start to make our way to the convenience store.

"Today was so fun!" Aso breaks the small silence. He stretches his arms, and he lets out a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, I enjoyed it."

"Since now you know how to swim, how about we go back to the beach?" Aso asks me, hoping that I would agree, "What do you say?"

I nod, and that seems enough for him.

"Alright! I can't wait to go back! Let's go this weekend!" Aso happily tells me. I can now see a slight skip in his step as he thinks about the beach.

We eventually make it to the convenience store, and Aso picks up his pace. He stands in front of the door and the automatic doors open, and I can hear a small chime as he enters. I go inside right after him.

When I'm inside, I take a look around. I haven't been in a convenience store in a while.

I decide to go to the drink section, and that's where I find Aso. I see him getting two water bottles.

"You're getting water too?" He asks me. I can see him almost drop one of the bottles, but he is able to prevent it from happening.

"Yeah," I tell him as I open the freezer door and grab a water bottle. The water bottle makes my warm hand turn cold, and I can't help but shiver at the new feeling.

"Hmmm... what else should I get?" Aso asks himself as he walks away from me.

I decide to go to the Ramen section. I haven't had ramen since my parents left for the States. I walk over to the Ramen section and look at the flavors they have.

I didn't notice that Raman had so many flavors. I walk over to the spicy section and pick one out.

The container has the company's mascot eating the spicy ramen and sweating from the intense spiciness of it.

I go over to the chip section and pick out a bag of chips. I get the cheese flavored one. When I have everything I want, I start to look for Aso.

I walk around the small store, but I eventually find hum in the rice ball section. I see him grab three.

"Are you ready to check out?" He asks me as he grabs the one last rice ball and tries his best not to drop any of his items.

"Yeah," I answer him as I go over to checkout.

I make it to the counter and place my items on top of it. The man behind the counter starts to scan my items and then tells me my total.

I start to rummage through my bag to find my wallet. I find it and start to give him the money.

He counts it up and then opens up the cash register. He gives me my change back and then grabs a bag. He places my items inside the bag and then hands it over to me.

"Have a good day," he tells me as I grab the bag from him.

Aso is next and drops his items over the counter. The employee checks him out, and Aso excitedly grabs the bag once he pays.

"Let's go!" Aso tells me as he happily walks out of the store and onto the street.

When I make it outside, I see him rummaging through his bag. He then gets out a rice ball and quickly takes off the wrapper. He finishes it in two bites, and then throws the wrapper into the trash.

"That tastes so good!" He exclames, "I should've gotten more!"

He then turns to me, "What did you buy Ayato?"

"Ramen and chips," I tell him as I look down into my bag.

"Ramen sounds so good! Especially with cheese!" Aso tells me, "I should get that next time!"

We start to walk down the street, and it feels peaceful. Well, minus the fact that Aso is loudly eating all of his food.

As Aso is on his third and final rice ball, he asks me a question to break the silence again.

"I feel like you're too quiet today, Ayato. I know that you're usually quiet, but I feel like something is bothering you."

I'm surprised that Aso is able to know how I'm feeling. I've only known him for a few days, but he is now able to tell whether I'm feeling good or not.

"Yeah, I guess I'm a bit sad," I answer him honestly.

I don't know why I decided to let him know how I'm feeling. I could have easily lied to him, but Aso is everything I have.

I've lost (Y/N) and Taro. I'm never going to get with Taeko. Osano and Kizano are only acquaintances.

Aso is the only friend I have, so far.

"I had a feeling! But why are you all sad for? Wait, can I guess?" He quickly asks. He seems to have a feeling about what's bothering me.

"Sure," I give him the go-ahead to guess what's making me sad.

"Is it because of (L/N)?"

My eyes slightly widen at his answer. How was he able to tell?

"Yes. How did you know?"

"You may not know it, but I am very keen on details!" Aso informs me, "When you were walking over to me, I noticed you making eye contact with (L/N)! I thought the two of you were going to greet each other, but you didn't! But I could tell that you wanted to say something!"

A loud silence falls over us, and Aso can't help but let out an awkward laugh.

"Am I wrong?"

"No."

"Wait, I was right! I guess I still got it in me! But - wait, why were you looking at him like that?"

"I'll tell you over the weekend," I quickly tell him.

"Okay!" Aso agrees even though I'm sure he hears how unsure I sound, "But I have to go. My house is this way. But I'll see you soon!"

I see Aso walk away from me and down a different road.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

I make it back home and I go to make my ramen. As I start to make it, I keep thinking about (Y/N).

I hate that I'm feeling this way towards him. I want to know why I'm suddenly switching how I'm feeling.

I can't even think of (Y/N), the memories of what I did weeks ago are coming back. At first, I didn't think much of it, but now my heartaches at the thought.

I remember his eyes that were filled with terror, I remember his blood dripping to the ground and staining the gym floor, I remember how my knife ripped through his uniform, I remember how I chased him back home and how he did his best to run away from me.

I'm starting to remember it all, and I hate it.

I hate how I made him feel that way.

I feel something wet roll down my cheek. I touch it, and it's a tear.

I'm crying over (Y/N).

What should I do?

[boydepartment]

ive noticed you tend to apologise a lot when youre tired and taking a break 😅 you shouldnt do that. youre a human, of course you'd feel tired sometimes. hope youre taking enough rest and recovering soon, no pressure to take and accept requests.

im sorry your interview went weird, but its good you pulled back the moment you found it sketchy. hopefully youd get a chance to accomplish your dream sometime soon in the future! take care jayjay

-🎄

hi it’s okay 🎄 anon :) i’m gonna use your ask to talk abt something if that’s okay, this isn’t @ you, i pinky promise.

i’m gonna be honest after valentine’s day i might just leave this account ? i don’t think ill delete anything but i just can’t be on tumblr or read any of the content i used to. i talked about it a bit a couple days ago i just want to elaborate more.

it makes me really just idk :/ i don’t like the community at all anymore and it’s been declining my mental for a bit. i love enha and all my people in the different groups i like, but i really really hate how some ppl write them and it just freaks me out REALLY bad. ESPECIALLY RIKI. like fuck some of you guys are so weird bruh…. and shameless. like you have no respect and don’t even on the “it’s not that serious.” you’re fucking weird. period. there’s no reason to make some of the shit you guys say public at all.

it’s been talked abt more recently how dubcon and dark fics are more common now and i can’t keep scrolling past it and seeing it. it freaks me out that people will write about actual people like that especially someone who lived at the receiving end of abuse like that. why would you want someone you love to be put in the situation of the abuser? like it doesn’t click to me and sometimes even scrolling past and seeing the tags and send me into a bad episode so i just can’t anymore. i don’t know how people think that’s okay to push their coping mechanism that’s darker and extremely damaging on an actual HUMAN BEING. coping mechanism or not that’s fucking weird. they may be idols but they are human beings too.

i’ve also had a few asks in my anon that are just straight up rude, demanding, or calling me weird for liking riki at all? like you are attacking the wrong girl i have nothing but respect for him. those anons are just stressing me out aswell and it’s just too much. i’m exhausted constantly being disrespected. tumblr is supposed to be a platform where i can get away and get lost in lighthearted stories and it’s not that for me anymore.

i might come back after i leave on valentine’s day but i need time to actually enjoy kpop like i used to. the fans are ruining it for me and it’s just been making me really depressed. i can’t even go on tiktok sometimes because of the fan bases. i’ve always been very open with you guys and like, i need to pull back from these fan bases and take care of myself. i barely eat, sleep, or enjoy anything anymore(that’s due to offline stuff but being on tumblr doesn’t help any of that at all). i miss having fun and the communities are ruining it.

[teawiththegods]

(TW: r*pe)

Hi! I hope it's okay to ask this here, if not I'm very sorry. Feel free to just delete this ask if you don't want to answer it.

I really want to write a retelling of the myth of Caeneus, because as a trans guy and hopefully Poseidon devotee one day (I haven't really introduced myself to him yet because I'm a bit shy), the story really speaks to me. I want to write the story as Poseidon falling in love with Caeneus. However, I know that in many versions of that myth, Poseidon actually r*ped him.

Do you still think it would be okay to write a retelling of this story as a love story? Or would that be romanticizing r*pe?

Hello, love!

The thing to keep in mind is that for some reason Ovid looked at mythology and thought "You know what these stories are missing? Rape. They need more rape". He just really enjoyed inserting that into all his stories and now because of it our gods are seen as predators. I mean he's the main reason Poseidon and to a lesser extent Athena get a lot of shit now that Medusa has risen in popularity. People don't realize that the story where Medusa is assaulted comes from Ovid and that in the original Greek myths Medusa was always a gorgon. So thanks for that, Ovid!

I bring this up because there are likely stories where Caeneus isn't assaulted by Poseidon. Since I'm not 100% familiar with the different versions I did a quick google search and found this from Apollodorus

[E.1.22] Caeneus was formerly a woman, but after that Poseidon had intercourse with her, she asked to become an invulnerable man; wherefore in the battle with the centaurs he thought scorn of wounds and killed many of the centaurs; but the rest of them surrounded him and by striking him with fir trees buried him in the earth

There is absolutely an argument that despite rape not being directly indicated its still inferred based on context. However, I do also believe based on the wording there is an argument for the opposite. Of course it really does depend on the original Greek but all I can do is go by the translations and by what I know about mythology in general. And as I said its quite common for there to be multiple versions of a myth and Ovid has his reputation which only adds to that.

I did also see a few mentions of other versions where Poseidon and Caeneus were lovers but there were no sources or direct references to those myths. So do what you will with that information

But my personal thoughts on it is that its completely okay to write a love story between Poseidon and Caeneus. Of course not everyone is going to agree and thats something you're going to have to think about if you choose to share the story. But just because some people don't like it or agree doesn't necessarily mean writing it was wrong, you know?

I mean think about all the Hades and Persephone retellings we have now? According to Ovid (and possibly other versions of the story) Hades raped Persephone but that hasn't stopped anyone from making them the new Romeo and Juliet, right? So why can't you tell a cute story about a trans guy and the sea god that fell in love with him? I'd love to read that!

[zenkindoflove]

Do you have any advice for making yourself just sit down and write?

I really want to start writing again (I have not written since high school[and I’m old]) and I have so many ideas in my head but for some reason I can’t make myself write them. It’s not even writers block. It’s like fear? And not even fear about the quality of the writing. I’m super delulu and think I’ll be good at everything on the first try 😅

It’s like stage fright over writing even if it’s only for myself. I think if I can just make myself start I’ll find a groove. But I can’t make myself start.

Hey anon!

First of all "I'm super delulu and think I'll be good at everything on the first try" - Hello are you me? LMAO, this is me and my big, unnerving ego. I'm always like "oh, I think I'd fucking EAT." Even counter to evidence.

First, I want to say I relate a lot to the state you are in now. I wrote a ton when I was younger. First original stuff as a pre-teen/teen and then when I was around 16, I started writing fanfic regularly in my first fandom. I would say I wrote and posted (though I've deleted a lot of these fics since then) regularly from 2006-2012. I then had some pretty big life altering stuff happen, and I only wrote very sparingly up until late 2023 after I finished ACOTAR.

I've always thought of myself as a "writer" but during those 10 years where I wasn't really writing (fiction that is. I was writing plenty as an academic scientist going through graduate school, postdoc, and then the few years of adjuncting trying to keep my career afloat) I kind of thought that it was all just something I used to do. And then I got a new obsession with Elucien and felt like "oh, I can definitely write about this." And here I am. And I think I'm doing really well. I've really shown myself that being a writer never really leaves you. You just need the motivation, space in your life, and some discipline to do it.

Okay, but to your question, how to get started writing? Well, the answer is truly "just start writing". Which sounds like I'm blowing you off, but I think I have a few tips that might help you.

Take those daydreams that you keep having to chase away the crazy pain of life and jot down little details about them. Don't think of it as you're writing the story down. Maybe you're just making a bulleted list of the things you like to fixate on. Maybe it's capturing a cute moment with a few vibey words. Maybe you're really inspired and you write out a outline of a basic plot. Some of these may end up becoming a story down the line as you build momentum.

And if you do feel the urge, just sit down and write 100 words of a scene. No one is watching. No one will read it. It's just you and your computer. Who cares if it's fragmented sentences and half baked thoughts? And then when you return to it, maybe you realize "Oh, I could add some here, and maybe a bit there." And suddenly you're actually writing out a one-shot.

I also highly recommend looking up prompts for when you feel like your ideas are tapped out or you need just a little push to get the ball rolling.

For me, I have also made it a point to write a little bit each day or every other day. Some days nothing will happen and that's okay. But now that I've started again, writing has become a rush for me. I've really found myself again. I had such an identity crisis during the pandemic. I became a mom completely alone and isolated from friends and family. I became disillusioned with becoming a professor which I had been working towards since I was 18. And sure enough, coming back to this hobby that I did in my teens/early twenties really grounded me in the person I always have known. I just needed something that was only mine to have again.

I hope you can start that journey too, anon! And if you ever want to come off anon and chat, my DMs are always open!

[arcielee]

Interview With a Writer

Here is part 4 of my Interview With a Writer series. You can go to this post to review the other amazing authors I have spoken with ♥ Just a BTS of some of the talented minds on Tumblr and ao3.

Name:  f4ll-for-you

Story: The Intern

Paring: modern Aegon Targaryen x Reader

Rating/Warning: Sexual themes and substance abuse.

So, when did you start writing? If I’m honest, I’ve always loved writing, even when I was young I’d always write ‘fanfiction’ for stories I’d read myself, but I began writing for ‘readers’ when I was about fourteen. That was back in the boy band era, 5 seconds of summer days and none of it was good, and it’s all very much deleted now, luckily!

Everything I’d written since had been for myself, until house of the dragon came out. I mainly began writing because no one seemed to be creating any Aegon fics, and I desperately wanted one. 

I began writing on Wattpad, which is where my main (very badly written un-edited, first proper fic lives) and when I got back into tumblr, 6 years later, I found a wonderful community on there and began my modern Aegon fics.

Where did the plot for The Intern come from? Awkwardly, I’m not sure. I knew I wanted to write a modern Aegon fic. I’d seen a few ideas floating around where the family had a large successful company, that Aegon is meant to ‘inherit/work for’ so I guess I gained inspiration from that.

I wanted the reader to be someone in her own right, not just ‘Aegon's love interest’ so I tried to build up her character just as much as his. I also wanted to show how damaged Aegon was, and hint that there were reasons why she understood him. Maybe I’ll explain her backstory at some point, because I have it in my head.

Explain your interpretation of Aegon. What drives him? Why is he the way he is in The Intern? He’s damaged, that’s the main theme. He’s done something (we don’t know what, but I do hehe) that means his grandfather has forced him to work for the company and, obviously, he hates it. 

He uses his position to get girls, and continue to live his life as it was, if he can’t party at home, he will party there. It’s not until the reader comes along that he finally sees a girl for more than just sex. He likes the way she takes little interest in him, how she needs glasses to read, how she never stays at ‘after work drinks’ for more than an hour. 

I think he appreciates how she’s never looked at him as less than a person, which is what he’s used to from his family and the girls only want him for a reciprocated ‘quickie’. Whereas she actually sees him as her boss, not that he’s ever acted like one. 

My version of Aegon (this is gonna sound pretentious as fuck) has been defined by his faults for so long that he’s become them. The Aegon we meet at the beginning is a shell of the person he becomes once he befriends her.

Was there anything in specific that inspired your Reader portrayal? As I said earlier, I was determined to make her a main character, not a side character that Aegon desires (not that there’s anything wrong with that, I love those fics just as much). 

I’ve massively fallen for the ‘enemies to lovers’ style, which the intern very lightly touches on, shown in their boy/girl teasing and joking friendship they have at the beginning. I liked the idea of her being a girlboss, hard working, clever but mainly incredibly kind. I wanted to show her as a little bit damaged, through her understanding of Aegon and how gentle she is with him. She rarely pushes him into getting help when he clearly isn’t ready to. She loses her temper, yes, but I think there’s only one time where she fully asks him to get help throughout the story, even though she clearly wants him to.

Do you feel your Reader compliments Aegon well? I’d hope so, I wanted to to make them fit together, but also have their own ‘things’ they needed to do before they could fully be each others. I guess you could see it a bit like Chuck and Blair in Gossip Girl, but they weren’t an intentional inspiration, now I think of it.

They both had a lot on their plates, the reader stuck working her ass off and Aegon stuck between various girls legs…that sort of thing.

In my head, I think they compliment each other by being what the other needs. Aegon needs someone grounded, kind and gentle, but she’s also not a pushover. She’s not going to let him walk all over her. Whereas the reader needs Aegon to realise her life isn’t based around her career, that she can enjoy herself and fall in love and be a little bit reckless.

Is there any reflection of you, the author, in this story? Pretty much always the female character is a part of me, it’s kind of a way of you living the life you want to live, so why wouldn’t it be I guess? Also, I find comfort in writing about addiction/other themes because it’s kind of a way of dealing with my own experiences.

Do you think you will do a sequel or expand on this AU? I have one chapter left, the epilogue, where I will hopefully make everyone forgive me for the sad ending to part four! I’m now expanding on the Backstage one-shot, and rockstar Aegon.

[drosselmeyerwrites]

SessKag Fandom Drama

I wasn't going to say anything about the absolute shit show that this fandom has been for the last week, but some - what I'm going to assume right now given what all has gone on today - petty behavior just now has made me change my mind. You know who you are. And if it wasn't intended to be petty, you're going to have to forgive me and understand that, given the happenings of today, why I would default to that assumption. You'll also have to understand why I will be deleting particular content as my time allows, as I did just now. So, thank you for that reminder.

But without saying names, there's been a lot of shit. There's been a lot of opinions about shit. And there's been a lot of opinions formed without fully and responsibly collecting the data/ evidence that should have been collected prior to certain assumptions being made.

It seems like that may still be the case now, which is unfortunate.

If you have questions or concerns for valid reasons (not just for shits and giggles curiosity), you are free to slide into my DMs and ask what you need to. I do not particularly believe in protecting those who baselessly slander people behind the scenes with conveniently curated screenies of partial bits of conversation to drive a particular narrative. If people responsible for moderating fandom spaces are unsure of the quality of the content they've been exposed to concerning these issues, I'm perfectly content with giving you mine - unedited. Be adults and come get what you need if you need it. For now, I really don't much care for the mean girl shit that has taken over SessKag. It's fucking exhausting, and I'm going to take a time out from writing for it. As of now, all my SessKag pieces are on pause, and I'll get back to them maybe someday. To those waiting for updates, I apologize. I just don't have the energy for the crap in this environment currently. Some people in this fandom are the bull in the china shop of what has been a comfort space for many and have made it feel like an unsafe space. It is really ridiculous that it has gotten to this point and that a lack of being able to not jump to conclusions without covering all bases and impetuous actions have brought things where it currently stands. It doesn't have to stay this way. I hope it doesn't. SessKag has a long history, and I'd like to see it flourish again. Last thing, for those still hanging out, keep your comfort space if SessKag is still that for you. Unfollow who you need to. Block who you need to block. Hell, unfollow and block me if that makes your fandom experience better. You should protect what you enjoy at all costs because you having a safe space or a place to run to for a well-deserved break has more value than can be quantified. Your tumblr feed, AO3 experience, Discord experience, etc. should be filled with what brings you joy and keeps fandom fun for you. There are only so many hours in a day, and none of those need to be wasted on adding stress to you life. I wish I had taken the above advice myself sooner. Peace.