#also i hate being constantly accessible to ppl from school

[le-trash-prince]

Ray fans look away because I’ve got to vent a little.

One thing that particularly rubbed me the wrong way in regards to Ray using Sand as a surrogate caretaker was the comment about the nurse because it shows that Ray is not as helpless as he makes himself seem—he just wants to be spoiled.

And this is coming from personal bitter experience of having wealthy friends use me for both physical and emotional labor :| I had a friend tell me that she didn’t need to bother getting therapy because I could just repeat everything my own therapist was saying (even though she would then argue with every statement because she didn’t actually want to get better lmfao). I had a friend whose parents were Multiple Houses Rich tell me that therapy was “too expensive” as an excuse for constantly trauma dumping on friends—and then later that year drop 25k in cash on a car lmfao AHDJFJD JUST TO PUT IN PERSPECTIVE THE PERSONAL SALT I HAVE. I hate seeing rich ppl take advantage of someone less wealthy just so they can get something for free.

Because Ray has the audacity here to act like he’s helpless and uncared for, even though he has the money to meet his own damn needs! And Sand is rightfully commenting on it, just as he did earlier when he told Ray to save his money for a shrink.

Because yes, therapy is expensive. Rehab is expensive. Not everyone has access to those things, but Ray does! But instead he demands that Sand be the one to put in the work to make Ray feel better about himself.

Things like that can make a person feel really devalued. You feel obligated to help a friend because you want them to feel cared for, but when they manufacture these situations in order to demand labor from you, it makes you feel like they don’t care about the reason you’re doing this. No matter how much you bend over backwards to make sure that they’re okay, that they’re healthy—they don’t respect that effort by trying to take care of themselves. All they care about is getting attention.

And when it comes from a rich person, it’s like, what the fuck man? Why do you feel so entitled? You think your life is so stressful? You’re going to say that your life is stressful when Sand is working multiple hustles in order to pay off his family debts and get through school? Sand needs a roommate in order to be able to afford his apartment, meanwhile Ray is benefitting off of his dad’s second home. Ray can afford to have a nurse take care of him, but instead he asks Sand to take time away from making money that he needs.

Ray has never had to deal with the stress of paying for rent or food or dealing with debt collectors banging on his door. The only stress in his life is that people want him to care about himself! It really bugs me when rich ppl act like their needs are the only ones that matter 😠

The only thing standing between Ray and sobriety is Ray himself. And I’m not saying this to devalue how difficult it is to climb out of that pit, because I have fought depression myself for many years. But the barrier for a poor addict to reach sobriety is so much higher and the judgment they face for not being able to afford help is so much worse.

And I can’t believe Ray had the audacity to complain about his dad wanting him to get rehab. Like, this kid would prob be set up in the nicest rehab center in the country, going on nature walks and doing pottery, but he acts like it’s a sign that his dad doesn’t give a shit.

I’m not going to pretend like his dad is a great parent, but I’ll be honest—I’ve seen worse from people with alcoholic kids. I’ve seen people refuse to visit their kids in the ER when they’re at deaths door because it would be too much of a blemish on their reputation to acknowledge they’ve got an alcoholic kid—so I was honestly surprised Ray’s dad even showed up. The way his dad acted wasn’t great, but wanting his kid to get better is above the bare minimum of wanting his kid to disappear. 🤷‍♂️

I’ll also say this, but people who love Ray wanting to see him love himself is not a bad thing. No, it’s not easy to love yourself, it takes a lot of fucking work, but that doesn’t mean you should just avoid the work and push it off onto other people. He has people in his life who see enough value in him that they want him to feel the same way. And this episode has shown that no matter how much work someone else puts into loving and supporting a broken person, it will never make a difference until that person learns to love themselves.

Anyways I’m glad that the Poor Boy shirt returned to Sand this episode because I am done with feeling sorry for the rich boy. I don’t think this show is brushing over the class difference between Ray and Sand—it’s just Ray and Sand who have been trying to ignore it.

[scarletanpan]

…

That remote-connection-required GitHub program for my school work had me tweaking so hard i. Impulse bought a laptop yesterday. I have been trying to get one for a few years for school bc my tower is so old and struggles and it’d be nice to be able to take my computer anywhere else so I’m not at home 24/7 bc that’s been killing me for years so like. Had to dig into my savings but it’s still a cheap laptop I just needed it to have decent functionality and after being completely unable to get into it without connecting my Microsoft account I then spent hours uninstalling useless programs and turning off all the dumb sponsors and notifications and random ui features that look atrocious bc I forgot windows 11 existed I was still on 10.

This shit fucking sucks so bad every ten seconds Microsoft is begging u to give them every ounce of your information like it’s not even funny. It’s v easy to click into connecting everything u own to ur computer and like i really don’t care if it’s useful go ahead, but like I’m not tryna do all that. Like can I not just. Use the computer?? Maybe without the system constantly saying how much worse my experience is without one. Like no offense I doubt there’s regulations bc no one would think to fucking do it but it should not be legal to require users to sign up to a service to access their own fucking computer they bought. It literally says if u want to use a local account u can, but after u sign in. So now even tho I’ve tried to delete every trace of my email and removed the original account microsoft edge prompts me with it for sign-in when I open it and no option to delete. So they still have my info even tho I didn’t want to give it to them

And ofc they’re a tech company they need data from users to function but if u don’t glance in the settings there’s a lot of extra ones, to the point that I had to take a break from reading them. Like there’s that fucking many and the ui does way too much back and forth that makes it genuinely exhausting to navigate which is. Interesting

The part that frustrates me the most is that there are now so many random buttons and links on the sidebar every single program in order to redirect to some other microsoft-related features that I can barely tell what I’m navigating sometimes. Everything looks the fucking same, I’m trapped in a fucking soft-edge minimalist window nightmare and it makes me nauseous i think

Might be the only one who feels this way but spending a few hundreds dollars on a brand new computer and then logging in to see the desktop covered with every single possible program (or phone app) u might ever want or need transmuted into this bare, technically functional microsoft void that’s still somehow missing most basic features any active user would need and also can’t be uninstalled w/o settings windows 10 and 11 intentionally removed makes me want to crumble into a ball and die maybe. It’s not hard to add it back but. Just baffling how manipulative the design of the entire system is like. This computer hates my fucking guts for not using its features

Oh and the github shit didn’t work either. Just got to watch it rebuild faster. One of the tech guys on my support case told me the move to github was a v sudden deployment they were rushed into and has lead to tons of issues like this. Which of course, I assumed bc it was Not like this last semester but wow. Love to see tech companies fucking over their workers and the quality of their platform for a deal. Like why is tech annoying and depressing and fucking me in so many ways this isn’t good for my future which I hoped would be tech-centered. It will be anyway I just know I’m gonna be mad abt the stupid fucking ways ppl run their businesses the whole time

[doebt]

just saw a horse named QT's Gold MasterCard. no joke..mastercard .

[bratz-kitten]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS [part 5]

— people with jupiter in the 8th may experience an “abundance” of traumatic experiences throughout life, often relating to death; these are the people who truly feel like everyone they love ends up dying. at their worst, they can become desensitized to death— jupiter is ruled by sagittarius, a sign known for being in denial when in difficult situations in favor of optimism. these natives can pretend like nothing actually happened, or minimize the situation in their head so that they don’t have to face it.

— okay this might be a weird one... like, you know in asoiaf when arya was walking through the streets and was always like “i’m as quiet as a shadow”? that’s literally the energy of someone with planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house. these people are so stealthy. they’re able to move so quietly and without anyone noticing, both literally and figuratively. on one hand, they’re very quiet about their plans and ambitions to the point where other people only find out when they’re achieving success over it; on the other hand, they just. don’t like making noise while walking idk bitch you’ll only see me coming when i’m right beside you, i even get paranoid that i’m breathing too loud and that other people will hear 

— people with moon aspecting mars can be incredibly impulsive when they feel hurt or triggered. yall need to be careful with doing things in the heat of the moment that you know you’ll regret later... but in the moment, you feel so hurt that it clouds your rational side. please be more self-aware about this because you may make decisions that will directly affect you for the worse in the future 

— people with leo mars ft. constantly asking you for pictures... about anything. they just wanna SEE LMFAO THEY DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS THEY’RE SEEING. you just got ready to go out? “send pics of your makeup and your full outfit”. you’re waiting in a long boring line to get the covid vaccine? “send pics of the line”. your mom baked cake? “send pics of the cake”. plus they send so many random pictures while texting, it’s their special love language

— having moon conjunct moon/venus in synastry feels insane. you tell them something you’ve been through, and they’re immediately like “that happened with me as well.” it doesn’t even have to be something grand, sometimes just very specific things you thought were particular about you. the amount of understanding that comes with this aspect in synastry can feel very new and intense especially if you’re used to seeing yourself as the “odd one out”, used to feeling isolated in your experiences 

— people with pluto in the 1st house often feel the need to erase “traces” of their existence, for example deleting messages that they sent people, deleting all of their social media posts. they can feel anxious and paranoid about other people having access to their past self, even if the past self in question is from, like. a week ago 

— people with chiron in the water houses (4th/8th/12th) might’ve suffered bullying to the point where they repress their memories. a lot of their memories of their school years may feel foggy if they were bullied in those years

— also. people with chiron in the 8th house may feel as though they’ve been punished for wanting to experience intimacy. it’s like, the people who were supposed to be the closest to them – for example, their sibling or something – were the ones who hurt them the most. 

— people with mercury-neptune aspects and strong pisces/neptune energy in their birth chart might struggle with only remembering things when they’re right in front of them. you should keep things in your peripheral vision to remind you of reality, especially when it comes to feelings— so that you won’t start getting lost inside your own head. like... keep the letters your friends wrote you by your bedside table so you can read them every time your brain starts convincing you that you’re not loved. keep the gifts you’ve been sent on display in your bedroom wall, or sentimental material things that remind you of past happy experiences.

— earth placements and their thing for asmr... omfg. it’s like they’re always looking for things to up their sensory experience/sensitivity. like, earth signs are the ones most connected to worldly experiences so they feel so soothed with the whole asmr experience: just hearing someone gently whispering or tapping on/scratching things calms them down and helps them fall asleep. they love the tingles it’s heaven for them

— moon-saturn aspects might hold and caress themselves while they sleep because their parents never did. yes i woke up and chose violence <3 your secret is NOT safe with me 💋

— while we’re on the topic of sleeping, a majority of the pisces moons i know need to sleep while hugging something, at least a pillow. they can’t just not hug something while they sleep, it’s very instinctive for them. anyways if any pisces moon needs a pillow to hold, i volunteer as tribute 💋

— virgo placements feel sososo soothed by hearing their cats purr. thinking about how my virgo placement friends are always the ones who send me videos of them petting their cats... and then i get soothed by how soothed they feel. it’s a win win situation, if you have virgo placements it’s hereby your duty to send me a video of you petting your cat while they purr. right now. GO

— people with gemini in the 3rd house might have shaky movements of the hands when other people look at them doing things. very specific i know but the third house rules hands and gemini is a sign that has somewhat of an anxious, twitchy quality to it. on the other hand, people with capricorn in the 3rd house (scorpio risings, using whole signs) have the steadiest hands i’ve ever seen lol their movements ooze confidence, these bitches know how to make you feel as thought they know exactly what they’re doing

— people with venus in the 1st house ft. altering their pics with photoshop and hating posting selfies without filters because they never feel like their appearance is good enough. stop it. you don’t need to always look your best and especially not if your ‘best’ isn’t even what you actually look like. also... don’t even think about making self-deprecative jokes about your appearance. next time i find one of yall saying “ahaha im not bad for a 5 without talent” i’m squishing your head between 2 pieces of toast and calling you an idiot sandwich. you’re BEAUTIFUL 

— having venus in the 3rd house in composite with someone? do you mean calling each other the absolute ugliest nicknames in the most endearing way? 

— leo deals with themes of the ego, and it seems that leo placements often struggle with attracting narcissistic people into their life... leo suns/mercuries can be raised by loud, overbearing, narcissistic parents who see their kid as an extension of themselves and who teach the kid to always be very supportive and caring towards them or else they’ll deny them of words of affirmation-- either by insulting them to shatter their self-esteem or simply never complimenting the kid back. leo moons/mars/venus tend to attract narcissistic partners who only care about serving their own emotional needs and ignore the ones of their partner, and who feed off of their supportive and giving nature. which is why leo placements really need to watch out for being gullible, naïve and dismissing the red flags because my god, you be falling for some shady people. 

— people with personal planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house might feel like they can’t let go of their past life— they may dream of memories, people or places from another life. it’s like they can’t detach from it, and even if they can’t directly remember their past life, it’s like they feel it in their bones. also, they might’ve felt... estranged from their family ever since childhood; there may have been feelings of being unable to emotionally connect to their (often, distant) parents, and they might’ve even wondered if they were adopted because of how different they felt to the rest of the family. 

— okay so, a thing that people with saturn in the 3rd house need to look out for is mentally checking out of conversations while they’re still happening. these people can detect when they’re being manipulated really fast and their way of dealing with it can be to immediately shut down, to grow cold and silent and not even bother answering when you’re expected to respond. and, like, that’s great when someone starts screaming at you or being insulting/trying to coerce you into shit, but take notice if you find yourself shutting your loved ones out as soon as they say anything that triggers you. don’t simply detach from them, communicate what’s wrong

— aries placements, ESPECIALLY aries suns and moons, value generosity so much and they get so turned off by stingy ppl who don’t share with others, especially when others need it. like.. if you’re hanging out in a group with them and someone asks for a bite of your food because they have no money and you say no... espect them to never respect you. ever. 

— people with libra placements use soooo many adjectives to describe things. something can’t just be beautiful, it has to be DIVINE and CELESTIAL and INTOXICATING. they can be so expressive god it’s so fcking funny 

— capricorn placements HATE asking others for advice because they think no one knows better than them (and they’re not wrong, lol). when they truly care for someone, they might ask the person for advice simply as a sign that they respect, trust and value their judgement. even if they don’t plan on taking it LMFAO 

— people with mars in a water sign can have this terrible habit of expecting other people to guess what they want. and then they get passive agressive when you don’t instinctively feel what it is they want... and when you ask them “do you want this?”, they go like “FINALLY. i thought you’d never get there”. stop it. i know that you want people to understand you in a way that transcends words, but you can’t expect people to read your mind and then get disappointed when they don’t, thinking “oh if they loved me that much then they would’ve known that i really want chipotle for dinner :(” GIRL WHAT. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS  

[sweetescapeartist]

THE BLACK COMMUNITY & HOMOSEXUALITY

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING (possibly only if you take what I say out of contexts and you aren't trying to know or understand historical events.)

Many people wonder why the black community has a problem with homosexuality. If you do some research, you'll find the answer.

During and after slavery, black men were often brutally beaten & raped to break our will & further subjugate us. There was the fear of being horrifically murdered, brutalized, buck broken (look that one up), & fear of being cannibalized by the slave owners. (It's real... Look it up.)

Even after slavery, the law was still against us. We were still killed and raped; both men, women and even children. Black men who were imprisoned were often forced to perform oral sex to prison gaurds & raped by them, or else there would be serious consequences. Some of these acts still continue today "secretly" & are swept under the rug.

Such acts of violence aren't often spoken about. These crimes have left mental scars on the black community and reminds us of subjugation. To have another man dominate you is a reminder of the suffering. The dislike for homosexual acts stems from the historical acts of physical, mental, & spiritual torture. This is one of the wrongs that has been constantly hidden from most if America and the world.

Why is it hidden? Why do ppl not want to talk about this? Is it guilt or pain of the past? Is it admittion of more cruel actions throughout history? How is it possible to fix anything if history is ignored?

And I won't even get into all the messed up things. This is a bit of a tangent, but here are a few:

How the government has constantly been involved in attempts to destroy black men and families

The government has destroyed black owned businesses

The government has aided in assassinating black leaders

The inhumane testing done on black infants

The vilification of the black man and making the black woman see him as weak and worthless

Teaching us self-hate to be accepted

Influencing us to hating each other because one is lighter skinned or darker skinned than the other

Contracts the government made with black America that still haven't been followed through

How America has influenced African Americans to hate African culture by lying or attacking us for wearing certain clothing or natural African hairstyles

Redlining

I have to know my own history. We are taught everyone else's history in schools but not the truth about black history which is American history. So why is America hiding part of it's history? Maybe that's a question for another time or something you can research for yourself. But I have to know my own history because knowledge is power. Knowing the truth gives me peace of mind even if I can't change how the world views & treats dark skinned people. And many, many people are under mental subjugation (advertisement, politics, sexist ideals, colourism, ect. Not just racial).

Those who don't know history or cannot remember the past are destined to repeat it.

I do not want heinous acts of humanity repeated. To move forward, much of history needs to be revealed and made easy to access. True history needs to be taught to us so we can understand, empathise, & sympathetize with each other. Hiding things leads to mistrust, fear, & hatred. And how do you control people and retain power? Through mistrust, fear, & hatred.

So if you ever wondered why the black community has issues with homosexuality, it's because of violent historical mistreatment.

(That's enough of a history lesson for now. I'll get back to talking about & drawing Dragon Ball stuff.)

Also, notice I said "homosexuality" & "homosexual acts." I didn't say anything about the ppl. It was just the action that most of the black community disagrees with. So don't get the wrong idea or try to twist my words. I'm just giving knowledge and insight. Vilifying me or my words of insight reveals your true colours.

[edwardsvirginity]

au where edward has aro’s powers and aro has his

read more bc this got looonnnggg

How Edward’s life would be different:

his power starts out just in his palms (like kate’s did, my hc for canon!aro too) and he makes no effort to expand it

actually he just straight up hates his power bc duh, he’s edward (”it’s a curse,” he says dramatically, whenever anyone asks him abt it)

he realizes he has it fairly quickly when right after waking up from being turned he touches carlisle and immediately knows everything

but since he touches carlisle pre-esme carlisle’s outlook is still pretty bleak

edward is 10,000x more emo and angsty

super nihilistic bc whenever he does read someone’s whole life it becomes clear to him that there’s no real order to anything or narrative guiding ppl’s lives so like... we all out here, suffering eternally

(tbh he’s deeply impacted by having touched carlisle first and absorbs carlisle’s pre-esme deep despair, loneliness, and nihilism, which colors his whole vampire life from the beginning)

he wears gloves all the time bc he hates touching ppl bc it’s an invasion of their privacy and mentally fucks him up

he tried to do the “kill bad ppl” thing like in canon in order to restore a personal sense of justice and order to the universe buuuuuuutttt it didn’t last long bc he had to touch ppl to eat them and it became abundantly clear that people are complex and not easily sorted into good/bad boxes, and it’s hard to condemn someone to die when you know their entire life

edward is deeeeeeeeppppllyy empathetic as a result of his gift. he’s also TERRIBLE at making decisions

he resisted going to HS with the others for a really long time bc he was afraid of accidentally touching someone

the only person he touches regularly is alice bc she worries abt him being touch-starved and lonely, and she insists. edward is ok with it bc alice is legit super optimistic and listening to her thoughts is really soothing/healing, and he has her consent. plus, it’s cool/useful to be able to see her visions. edward starts pushing his gift’s limits/expanding it in order to try and access alice’s memories from when she was human, as a gift to her

the rest of the vamps in the house fucking makes him even more emo than in canon bc he thinks he can never bang someone bc it would mean touching them all the time and he couldn’t condemn someone to an eternity without privacy, and no one would ever consent to that

edward hates himself bc he feels like his gift is unethical and he’s a monster for having it and invading ppl’s privacy the way he does

he does occasionally touch ppl for really important reasons... if the cullens are worried abt someone being a threat to their family, or carlisle is trying to save someone’s life but doesn’t know what’s wrong with them

edward’s gift is kinda a secret in the vampire world, only the cullens and denalis know

despite the fact that edward is emo abt being a vampire, he’s intensely grateful he was turned by carlisle, the original vegetarian vampire, bc edward would have HAD to become a vegetarian due to being unable to kill ppl bc of his gift and it would have sucked for him to be alone, the first vegetarian vampire

alice is always trying to encourage edward to touch ppl bc she thinks it will make him less emo. her theory is that he’s mostly only touched ppl with really sad lives and outlooks and that if he understood the fullness of most ppl’s lives he might be less nihilistic

another part of his gift edward works on with alice is turning his gift “off” even when ppl are touching his hands, and being able to root through ppl’s memories and only see what he’s looking for so it’s less invasive

alice encourages edward to wear his gloves less often to school so he can practice controlling his power, on teenagers, whose lives are shorter and less sad and therefore less mentally upsetting for edward

@ang3lba3 had this brilliant idea of edward touching bella while his gloves are off and being Shook af. i can’t stop thinking abt bella almost getting hit by the van on a day edward didn’t wear his gloves, edward bracing himself and rescuing her, then being overwhelmed when he can’t hear anything from her, thinking he’s finally “broken the curse” of his gift, going home and touching someone and Oh Shit It’s Not Gone It’s Just Her

edward is like. kind of obsessed with touching bella. he’s very tactile from the very beginning. holding hands with her is just incredibly blissful for him

throughout the series edward works on refining his gift to be more tolerable. it’s like his lil project. bella makes him want to try

edward is p reluctant to turn bella into a vampire bc he’s never met any vampires with happy lives or satisfying personal narratives/growth. he thinks all vampires just #suffer in the endless void for all eternity. humans have much clearer stages of life, growth, beginnings and endings that make them more fulfilled. (or so edward claims)

post bd edward would be able to pick specific thoughts out of someone’s head without seeing their whole life, and bella would work on her shield so she can deliberately send specific thoughts TO edward, and so with both of them concentrating really hard (at first), they could have mental conversations while touching, v similar to canon post-bd (except in this version bella has more control and edward is v specific to only find the thoughts she’s sending him)

tbh if edward ever manages to figure out his gift fully, he’d make a rlly good vampire therapist, bc he could isolate traumatizing memories (that ppl may not even consciously remember) and have a good perspective on how that’s affected their lives and how they can work towards recovery. since he himself would have to learn rigid mental compartmentalization in order to stay sane with that many lives in his head, he could teach ppl how to work thru a traumatic incident and then mentally shelve it once they’re done. also, some ppl define trauma as an inability to form a coherent personal narrative, which edward could also help with, bc he can identify patterns and similarities across a person’s entire life that the person themselves may have forgotten or overlooked

anyway, this version of edward is much more gloomy to begin with but would also undergo significantly more extensive character growth, which i think would be a really cool story

How Aro’s life would be different:

still volturi

still king of the vampire world

however killing other vamps/enforcing the law includes much more torture and interrogation bc aro can only hear what they’re thinking abt at the time

he has much less absolute power over other member’s of the volturi bc they can hide things from them by not thinking abt them around him, but at the same time, aro is more feared bc his gift is more omnipresent

aro is hella paranoid and keeps the most important members of the guard within his gift’s range at almost all times

as a result the volturi are much more mobile bc aro insists on going on most outings/executions

aro likes to keep his absolute range a secret to keep ppl on their toes and reinforce their fear of him

aro collects mental gifts in order to be omniscient and is constantly looking for power-amplifying vampires. so instead of focusing on recruiting vamps with physical gifts like strength or fighting, he looks for vamps like eleazar (&alice and jasper) who can sense things he can’t, as being able to read their thoughts allows him their gift by proxy

he’s constantly suspicious ppl are hiding things from him

i think this aro would just be a lot more vicious and violent in general

less useful in battle tho, bc he can’t know the opposition’s entire strategy, and while he can know if someone’s about to attack him, it doesn’t really help him keep anyone else from being attacked

i think this aro would be generally very twitchy and bizzaro, constantly responding to ppl’s thoughts instead of their words, lowkey always overwhelmed by what everyone’s thinking + his suspicions+ his own schemes, less of a shut-in and therefore more overwhelmed by a ton of thoughts. all the other vamps would think him slightly unhinged, talking to the air somewhat nonsensically all the time, visually emotionally reacting to other ppl’s thoughts (but just looking startled or angry at nothing), never having a predictable mood. 

as a result, there would be more of an underground resistance to the volturi, and his general hold on power is less absolute. (and he’s very aware of how unstable his position of power is, which makes him crazier)

he keeps trying to expand his mental range but the REAL problem is not distance but that he can only handle hearing a certain number of ppl’s thoughts at once. unlike edward, who was forced into hearing a ton of ppl’s thoughts all the time from the very start in order to pretend to be human, and who didn’t much care abt most ppl’s thoughts, aro is never forced to live in a city and get acclimated, and he cares deeply abt what ppl are thinking bc he’s a paranoid schemer, so each person’s mind requires a lot more concentration. 

sometimes aro gets reeallll mad when ppl talk out loud bc it interrupts his mindreading concentration. yet another reason why the rest of the volturi is both terrified of him but also think he’s insane

also more unhinged from hearing ppl die all. the. time. in canon he listens to ppl’s whole lives but obvs doesn’t listen while he kills them, why would he, whereas in this au he’s forced to listen everyone’s thoughts as he kills them (or eats them!) and it is one of the things that pushes him towards insanity. (canon edward doesn’t have this problem bc he kills significantly fewer ppl than aro and also obvs doesn’t feed on humans)

ALSO more unhinged bc canon!edward refines his gift so he can “turn down” other ppl’s thoughts or mute them/stop listening, whereas in this au aro is so obsessed with power he never even tries to develop that skill bc he wants to know what everyone is thinking always, so he has no regulation ability. he keeps trying to expand his power in stupid ways (like making the range bigger) without actually trying to regulate it in ways that improve his mental health or sanity

honestly in this au aro is just significantly more insane, but less powerful, both of which make him more dangerous bc he’s more desperate

how them having each other’s powers changes the larger plot:

honestly idk

i’ll think abt it

my brain isn’t working anymore u guys figure it out

[bluepluto03]

mcu spiderman rewrite/au i may or may not do

ok so first quick disclaimer! i do not hate the mcu spider man movies in any way!! i actually enjoy them quite a bit and have seen homecoming like 4 times! and i absolutely adore all the actors in the movies, especially tom, zendaya, and jacob 

but the problem w/ the mcu spiderman movies is,,, they’re just not spiderman. at least from a writing/thematic perspective, which sucks bc so much other stuff about them is great! like tom holland is the perfect peter parker, which is why it seems so close to being right, but with the way the script is actually written... it’s just. not spider-man. 

i feel the need to explain all this/my problems w/ the movies b4 i get into the actuall au idea/plot, so please bear with me for a sec

for context, I’ve loved spiderman my whole life. i’d watch the cartoons when i was younger, and then went back and watched them all again when i was a bit older and figured out how to pirate stuff lol. i didn’t really know how to get into the comics, so i just kinda read wikis and got second-hand info from fanfics and the other movies

to me, spiderman, (at least, peter parker spiderman,) was always about like... a kid, who saw the world was broken and fixed it because he could. he had the power to fix stuff, so he did. 

as a kid w/ mental illness and a not so great home life... that was something really really important to me. to see another kid out there, who’s been through some shit, but finally has the power to make stuff better, so he is! and it would make me think, maybe i can change stuff for the better, someday, if i just get my chance

but,,,,, the problem is mcu peter parker isn’t that. 

instead of becoming spiderman bc he knows there’s bad in the world and wants to fix it, suddenly his motivation is impressing tony stark?? and don’t get me wrong i don’t hate tony, but the way they wrote his and peter’s relationship basically trapped peter. he could no longer be his own hero, bc he was tony’s successor. and that's never who peter parker’s spiderman was?? he was never a follower, he was a trendsetter. he didn’t become spiderman for approval, hell he had dozens of newspapers constantly slandering him. 

honestly the following in someone else’s footsteps thing was always a miles morales thing. he had to step up to the plate and fill the shoes of a spiderman who had already existed for years and was beloved by the whole city. obviously thats not all he is and simplifying his character to that is incredibly obtuse, but i bring it up bc tbh alot of stuff w/ mcu peter parker is just straight-up ripped off from miles morales. like how peter now goes to a fancy private school, is no longer poor (which is a huge thing w/ peter parker’s character in like every other incarnation), has a living father figure, and is bffs w/ ned, who is a straight-up rip off of miles’s best friend ganke. (for the record tho i adore ned and jacob i’m def keeping him in my rewrite,,,, also i’m glad he’s in the movie bc having a plus sized poc protagonist thats not constantly mocked is incredible) 

so, i’m complaining about all this stuff lol but ur probably wondering how exactly how i wanna fix it lol,,,, 

first, give peter an arc thats more than just..... i want tony to believe in me. my idea for that is basically a type of thing where he learns to rely on others! bc like... peter isn’t good at working w/ others lol, he’d much rather do it all himself so no one else gets hurt. (like in the andrew garfield movies where he just,,,, webs his gf to a car so she can’t run into danger lmao) 

the plot would start at a similar ish position to homecoming, though tony never recruits peter for civil war. tbh not sure if it even happened but we’ll disscuss that later

peter’s been spiderman for a few months, after a trip to oscorp left him w/ a radioactive spider bite. currently no one knows about it, and he’s doing a pretty ok job of dealing w/ everything on his own. until he takes down a big bad, lets say rhino for now, and gains a ton of publicity. after stooping a hudge disaster he’s suddenly in the limelight, and catches the attention of one norman osborn, aka the green goblin 

now, quick sidenote. green goblin is genreally seen as pretty goofy, but there are comic versions of him that are legit terrifying. if im being honest i didn’t even know about that version until i read aloneintherains fic birds eating other birds so ig thats kinda ish how i’m imagining this version of norman? though alot more composed, like the man who could someday turn into that 

so norman becomes intrested in my boy peter, and starts sending ppl after him. possibly the sinister 6, but uhh maybe not bc tbh i think this “rewrite” needs to be split into 2 “movies”/works and i might wanna save that for the hypothetical pt2 (btw if i write this it won’t b for a while cause i got other stuff going on but ig if ppl are intrested i might write some snippits/make more content for it) 

so basically the main plot is peter dealing w/ all these big bads on his own, doing ok at first but later getting really fucked up, and eventually revealing himself to ned and mj which ends up being the only way he can save the day in the end. by relying on others! yay!! 

thats it for the main plot, but don’t worry y’all we got other stuff going on too lmao 

so, for one. my boy peter is realizing he has a crush and just,,,, freaking tf out. (i have yet to decide if it’s on ned or mj. or both. sue me) the crush isn’t definitely resolved in p1, but i imagine there’d be some cute thing of him suddenly realizing and freaking out and almost revealing his powers. 

thing 2! tony stark! he is still in here, and still a mentor to peter, but in a pretty drastically different way. one, he doesn't know about peter being spiderman. he doesn't even suspect it lmao. he just gets involved bc of.... some sort of reason bc peter is so smart. do i know why just yet? no. does it matter? probably but i’m writing this pretty late after i had school all day so i’m too tired to care 

bc tony basically gives peter a real internship/mentorship type thing, peter now has access to all this tech!! and all these funds!! fucking lit!! so he changes from his pajama suit to the fancy one, tho he actually built it!! which i feel like him making his suit is a really big really important part of his character. so it doesn't really have all those random things tony added, tho peter might add stuff himself. he gets Karan as a like assistant ai as part of his internship but she never gets put into the suit

for the fist part tony plays a super minor role but like,,,, the first part is about osborn taking an intrest in him, and him confiding in ned and mj. the second part norman is become progressively more dangorus and peter has to fight him and stuff, kinda proving he is strong enough to be spiderman/be trusted to the whole world, beyond just ned and mj. also him actually getting together w/ either one or both of them bc...... bc i want that. 

oh btw idk if tony finds out or not in p2? if he does it’s either at the end or in a scene like the one w/ may bc like. please imagine the shenanigans of peter and ned (who both have high intellegence but low wisdom) in tony’s lab, obviously trying to hide the fact that peter’s spiderman. like he walks in on them and peter looks all frumpy bc he’s been trying to change real fast, and ned’s shirt is messed up bc he just stuffed the mask down the front of it, and mj is just. chilling behing them. so tony just like assumes stuff and is like....aight.... have fun.... 

oh btw the last big change that i didn’t really have anyway to insert natrually into this,,,, so remember how i said ned was kinda a ripoff of ganke? well, the writers claim he’s a “composite character” so i figured, why not give him traits from other famous spiderman side character so he actually is a composite character! 

so like,,,, throughout p1 it’s referenced that ned has a kinda dickish estranged ish dad that he hates and his mom doesn't really like but kinda forces him too... theres some mentions of his dad wanting him to transfer to a private school and being kinda rich, bur he dosen’t want to bc he knows his dad is a total dickead,,,, anyway end of the movie we find out norman osborn is ned’s dad, and ned hates him even fucking more bc it’s like bitch?? u tried to get my (maybe) bf murdered?? tf?? and its lowkey bc he can’t reveal peter’s id, but then in p2 after norman takes matters into his own hands and tries to kill peter on his own ned just fucking yells at him while the man is in jail and is like fuck u lmao 

soooo thats my really messy au idea!! i’m really tired sorry if this is hard to understand or rude! for the record i have nothing against the ppl who adore these movie’s, i just think they could be better! 

[ocular-intercourse]

i’ve had (or am currently having one of them) two inclusion measures for mentally ill or otherwise struggling people (probably a bad translation, they are workshops and stuff that are supposed to help me figure out what i can/want to do and find work)

one of them was carried by the social sector, meaning financed by the government, the other is a private service provider carried by an organisation that has dedicated themselves to train ppl for the economy sector

and i know this is entirely a question of funds, but the service one offers in comparison to the other is WORLDS apart

the thing is just.. both of those have been organized and given to me by the employment office, they are the ones paying my unemployment money so they are the ones who want to see me find work, the first one, i imagine, costs them next to nothing, if anything really, cause they get the funds from the state, the second one costs them quite a bit, to a point where they are trying to have me be there as short a timespan as possible

you’d think they’d spend a bit of that money on their own inclusion program rather than paying ludicrous amounts to external service providers

it’s just sad to see how much time and attention they can allow themselves to spend on their participants right now, i have a team of at least 5 people including the boss working with me, in one-on-one conversations with me and then team conversations about me with each other, all letting the information they get from the others shine through, all paying attention to my abilities and needs, all reassuring me constantly that i am incredibly capable and that they will definitely find something that works for me, they have access to so many training programs, they have connections to so many companies they want to talk to in my name, they are building the program of stuff they have me work on entirely customized to me

while at the social program we had two girls giving us group ‘seminars’ and maybe some conversations but that was about it

i hate that their work is so restricted by the lack of funds, i hate how little the government gives to the social sector

money is so stupid

anyways i had a talk to the boss today and he was all like they had big plans and my job trainer was as excited at working with me as she has never been at any other participant they might want to put me in a 12 month program we’ll see he also has two contacts with advertisement agencies we wants to talk to about internships and funny enough we found out that we actually went to the same school? he lives right next to my hometown, huh, and i maybe am supposed to write the texts for their new homepage?? cue me being anxious as hell about that

[trueslove]

✧･ﾟ: * (  park jiwon  ,  cis  female ,  she / her  )  have  you  seen  violet  hwang  around  ?   i  hear  the  twenty-one  year  old  is  working  as  an  art  director  .  did  you  know  they  have  97  love  alarm  points  ?  if  they  ever  want  to  be  truly  loved  someday  they  should  ease  up  on  being  temperamental  &  enigmatic  .  at  least  you  can  say  they’re  disarming  &  convivial,  too.  /  love alarm blocked

                     hello  !  im  xan  and  ur  watching  d*sney  channel ...  just  kidding  we  do  NOT  support  big  corporations  who  just  wanna  take  ur  money  😔  im  22  ,  from  the  est  timezone  (  even  though  my  sleeping  schedule  ...  does  not  reflect  that  sjbdwjkbdjdw  )  &  i  go  by  she  /  her  pronouns  !  im  gonna  be  honest  this  intro  is  gonna  be  completely  winged  so  buckle  up  ....  and  meet  violet  😋 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     quick stats + aesthetics  !

full name: violet hwang. 

nickname(s): vee, vivi.

zodiac: tba....

sexuality: bisexual.

birthplace: manhattan, new york.

current residence: toronto, canada.

aesthetics: maraschino cherries at the bottom of a glass, driving with the windows down at night, unanswered text messages, black nail polish, the sound of rain hitting the windowpane, kissing and not telling, smiles that don’t quite reach the eyes.

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     backstory ! 

was born and raised in nyc baby ! she’s a true city girl, grew up in lower manhattan ( the financial district if u wanna get specific ) to a family with lots of $$$$ thanks to her father’s position as a ceo of an investment bank located on wall street 

life was pretty smooth until she was 17 and her father got arrested for embezzlement and fraud </3 it was actually a huge scandal for the investment bank he worked for because it was a whole group of higher ups who had been in on these crimes. basically a bunch of already rich men trying to get richer ... disgusting ik /: 

her life changed pretty drastically after that ! the hwang name was all over the news, their family was pretty much disgraced by high society in nyc, not a very fun time for anyone but especially not for violet’s mom 

after her dad got arrested violet was uhh high key furious with him for ruining their lives with his greed and she wanted nothing to do with him, but her mom couldnt let go. she was still defending him, spending the money they had left on lawyers which included the money the family had set aside for violet’s trust fund that she would have had access to once she was 18 </3

 so her plans for college changed pretty drastically JSDBJWBDJW ( goodbye ivy league education ) she actually ended up getting into the university of toronto for visual studies on an academic scholarship 

so she made the big move all on her own....moved into a tiny dorm...and vowed to reinvent herself. she didnt wanna be labeled as the daughter of a white collar criminal anymore so she just made it a point not to talk to much abt her past to anyone 

her struggles as someone who grew up with $$$$ turning into a broke college student made for some embarrassing but funny moments <3 luckily though everyone else had their own struggles so no one found it suspicious JSBDJWBDJ

when love alarm launched three years ago, violet had just started college so it was really the Big thing anyone and everyone was talking about. since she’d never been a fan of other dating apps, she wasn’t gonna download it but her roommate at the time convinced her ! at first it was fun, just something she didnt take too seriously 

fast forward to graduation and she’s snagged a job as an art director for a little local museum, doing freelance art directing on the side to help pay the bills. low and behold one day a photographer hires her to be the art director to a shoot they’re doing for a badge club member who was in a very high profile and public relationship at the time

violet ended up working with that photographer and badge club member a handful of times, enough for her to catch fee-🤢 catch feelin-🤢 i cant even say it .. she’d never rung anyone’s love alarm before, so of course her first time had to be with someone who was already taken </3 safe to say she ... freaked out 

she was embarrassed above all else, but also heartbroken bc in her head like ... why would someone who literally is part of an exclusive club based on ppl ringing their love alarm care that she rung theirs ? she didnt think it’d be a big deal to them the way it was to her ( but also didn’t stick around long enough to find out jsxbsjbdjw ) 

when she was offered the block she didn’t hesitate to use it figuring it’s better if no one knows her romantic feelings ever again like that /: she’d delete the app but a part of her still likes knowing there are ppl out there who DO like her like that so ... Rip truly 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     personality + tidbits !

she comes across as ... kind of a bitch SDJBJWBJWBDW it’s truly not on purpose she just has a pretty serious resting expression most of the time ( so she looks mad or annoyed even when she isn’t ) and she’s pretty difficult to get to know ? not to mention the fact that no one has ever witnessed her ring someone’s love alarm .. so all that combined just makes it easy to assume she’s some sort of ice queen when that’s far from the truth /: 

violet really isn’t one to open up too deep to people, but that’s got a lot to do with the past she’s kind of running away from ! so if you’re her friend most of the stuff you know about her is probably surface stuff, but when she’s close to someone she can make that fact hard to realize ? she just has a way with making the people in her life feel important so it’s easy not to be focused on how much you know about her 

never bothers to correct the people that misjudge her. if you don’t like her, if you want to make up assumptions and rumors about her, go ahead like violet really won’t stop you which can sometimes make meeting new people difficult </3 if you’ve seen the dating class webdrama chuu was in she’s kinda like oh seyoung’s chara joowon 🤧

if she wants to, though, she’s pretty good at getting people to like her / trust her ! she does this a lot in professional situations, which is why she’s been doing so well as an art director so far despite being so young 

she’s also very loyal to her friends ! if you can’t ask for extra sauces at mcdonald’s....if you can’t make a phone call to your credit card company explaining that a $3,000 charge to starbucks wasn’t you.....she’s your girl <3 since she’s relatively not bothered by the way people see her ( unless it has to do with her past ) she’s usually the one speaking up if someone she cares about can’t 

after the ... incident ... JSDBWJDBWJ she’s really not a fan of the badge club and everything it stands for ): BUT she continues to do art directing work for a lot of the members when they do photoshoots, or instagram campaigns, or if they have a pop up shop, etc. it’s good money and she needs every penny considering she’s living without support from her family 

cannot cook to save her life so she’s always eating out .. this really is why she’s taking those more high profile jobs she can’t budget .. but it’s better, safety wise at least, that she continues wasting her money on takeout aha <3 

pretends she’s not a romantic and is all about the ~casual flings~ but really she’s just afraid of serious feelings and the idea of a serious relationship ... it’s the trauma 😔 constantly jokes shes gonna bring the tinder whore era back JWDBWJBDJW she is sick of this true love nonsense ! ( the irony of this url ahaha... ) 

she’s the most social after a few drinks, since drunk her isn’t burdened by a mind that overthinks literally everything the way she is sober. if you don’t supervise her though she can get pretty carried away and probably get into some kind of trouble so she’s definitely not the person you want to be in charge on a night out !

really wants a dog but doesn’t think she’s cut out to be a pet parent it feels just as scary as the idea of having an actual kid so ... BDWBDJW if you have a pet ? she’s gonna be living vicariously through you <3 

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     wanted connections !

the photographer that hired her / introduced her to the badge club member she ended up having feelings for 

the badge club remember she had / has feelings for because we love suffering 😈

old roommates from college !! maybe even the one that got her to download love alarm in the first place hehehe

also a current roommate / roommates because your girl can’t afford to live on her own <3

someone she’s confided in about her past ( maybe they judged her for it and had a falling out, or maybe they remain confidants ) 

an ex bf or gf she dated while she was in school ! she never rang their love alarm ( even though this was pre block ) so maybe that’s why things ended between them. or maybe they never rang each others and it was just a mutual thing where they both didn’t really have feelings for each other and tried to date anyway and it didn’t work. or perhaps they dated and when violet realized she was starting to have those feelings she dipped before she ever got a chance to ring their love alarm bc she didn’t want to be exposed like that and commitment is scary ): 

spare best friend ? i’d use a knife emoji to show you how serious i am but i dont wanna scare anyone away aha .. i would just love a best friend plot 🥺

current flings / hookups or past flings / hookups ! i imagine most of them to not be serious but it would be kinda cool if there was someone she’s seeing now that she’s got the love alarm block that she’s actually falling for considering she’s never gonna be able to ring their love alarm hehehehe

people she art directs for !! i imagine she’s got a pretty long list of employers ( from badge club members to regular folk  🤧 ) so it would be cool to have people who hire her for stuff, or who collaborate with her for artistic endeavors since i’ve noticed we have a lot of artsy muses <3 

ummm maybe an enemy. but where it’s like .. the hate isn’t even that deep it’s just like oh you dislike me ? well i dislike you FIRST 😠 and they insult each other and try and sabotage each other like five year olds fighting on the playground like it seems super serious to them but to everyone watching it’s like ... can you guys just get over it you dumb babies KSDBSDBWD like they could probably be good friends if they just .. stopped 

and you’ve reached the end of this NOVEL of an intro post JDBJWBDJWBDW im literally so sorry i tried not to ramble but ..... its just who i am </3 please come shoot me a message to plot !!! you can use tumblr ims but im way more available / quicker to respond on discord so if u wanna add me there and plot u can find me at junhee mr. soft hands ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172  i also did not check this post for typos so if u find one ... mind ur business 😭😭😭 

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): Midnight Edition

MAN all that psychosis was some Seriously Weird shit . i keep thinkin about it

an d yet. im like, well, shit, in some ways, I Needed That? 

long Trauma Processing Post under the cut

a whole bunch was very, Oh, Okay, So I Was Right, and those General Things from Before (i.e. when I was a child) WERE serious mental health concerns, that still exist, that I need to not do a Mother on and go “it’s probably nothing/overactive imagination/just acting out for attention”

and a whole bunch was very, like, well, just straight up disturbing frightening psychosis, of a duration and intensity new to me, and despite the bizarre and at times inappropriate content, it brings me a weird kind of relief to know i went Totally Batshit outside in broad daylight and nobody ever laid a hand on me? nobody smacked me? nobody yelled at me or got REALLY funny with me? they just, uh, let me go batshit off on my own? i almost certainly disturbed and/or offended some people, but no Punishment was dealt??????

like... the only people who spoke to me were (retrospectively obviously, at the time not obviously) concerned about my wellbeing, rather than trying to berate me and shut me up for their comfort? although i did still react internally as though that were the case. but like... How Delightful! the world i was walking through is MUCH kinder than my “family” ever was!!! those guys just saw a sick person? and not somebody being “difficult/playing up/bratty/childish”??? wtf. i’m still kind of like, is that for real???

and a whole bunch of the Episode was also “oh. okay. that was TOTALLY actually about this SPECIFIC thing from my past that is not always in my accessible life memories, but That Fucking Happened, And Its Processing And Integration Are Incomplete, because my parents were emotionally constipated and didn’t remotely know the meaning of Mental Health”

some of it is Specific Incidents. a lot of it is about like... alternating fucking, like, total abandonment, then Absolute Surveillance And Control “We” Have To Monitor Your Every Action And “We” Will Punish You If You Do Not Comply To The Restrictions And Regulations

like ahahahha. okay backstory. as a kid-kid i had literally No supervision on the computer, no like, web filters, no time locks, stumbled across 4chan and whatnot far too young, nobody noticed for Years. which, uh, that is BAD parenting. that is REALLY bad form, and i was made to feel like that was My Fault, somehow. but hey! to me, this was normal! there was a whole bunch of weird interesting stuff on the internet that really distracted me from how shitty Coming Home felt! the computer is Fun!!!!!

and then!!! while i understand the INTENTION of this -- later on “They” brought in a whole fucking load of surveillance, moved me to the bedroom next to my mother’s so they could “keep an eye on me”, put software on MY school laptop to kick me off the machine, software on the router that monitored every single webpage i went on? i was in my mid to later teens by this point??? like, the point where most kids get MORE freedom and trust, not less?! literally i heard shit from adults like “we can’t trust you” and now i’m like. oh. oh, okay. yeah. that’s... not right.

now i was a quick boy and made myself a workaround in the form of an Ubuntu LiveCD, disguised as a blank disk that i kept with other CDs, and that lovely beast TOR worked some miracles for me. but like, what the fuck?? i was going to all those fucking lengths just to try and get some human contact with people who actually did care about me, Away from my hellhole family and equally hellish school. all the fucking Being Watched made me feel sicker and sicker, i was self harming more, hiding it better, hurting other ppl increasingly because i was acting in reaction to my own pain. 

like. you can’t like... go from total neglect, to fucking CIA levels of invasion of privacy. like, that’s abuse, that’s just going from one extreme to the other. 

that’s what was so jarring about it all? like, sometimes, there would just be Nobody emotionally available at home. that sucked, but hey, it’s what i grew up with, i was used to it. then other times, it would be TELL ME EVERYTHING. I HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. EVERY INTIMATE DETAIL. NO SECRETS ALLOWED. TELL ME EVERYTHING. still with No emotional capacity there. and i was NOT used to that. that shit made me “paranoid”. uh, fucking YEAH? 

like... anybody would get paranoid in emotional solitary confinement with people watching their every fucking move. shit felt like being in a cell with the guards walking past glaring at you through the food slot periodically. “come out of the corner so I can see what you’re doing” and all that. i developed like... so many sides. to deal with it. constantly fucking flipping over. 

the priority was and is Maintain The One That Can Do School. Maintain Him. He Can Get Grades, He Satisfies The Mother, He Can Get Away From This. and i guess i did? and i’m gonna get a degree, like, a real one, a fucking good one if i keep working as hard as i have been, which... well, shit, what else can I do? this is what i am Built For. but i’d be like, flipping over with a side that is literally a terrified child that bolts to its bedroom and hisses and growls at threats outside the door. and my mother would say shit like “i think it’s just your hormones.” what kind of wack-ass shit. denial levels over 9000.

man like i’m angry but numb to it? in a sort of, oh, okay, woah, is this what i was dealing with? is this the shit i was living through? and this was denied and minimized so many times, and so many people said “well I’m sure she loves you really,” that i’d learned to say to myself “it’s not that bad, she loves me really, she’s doing the best she can” when i was literally like... cutting so much i was bleeding thru my trousers at school? i’d been trained to just like, dissociate so hard i couldn’t actually name or talk about ANY of the things that were happening to and around me that were making me feel so shitty?

YEAH so . that was Also Fucked Up.

and s///pinel like....... wsdfsjdghhjd what the fuck. huge mood. wanted while I was a fun little entertaining creature that could do Tricks and Impress and Make People Laugh!! and then i got Difficult To Deal With. Too Much. Annoying. and wasn’t emotionally valued any more! And I Turned Into A Fucking Unstable Destructive Maniac. 

yyyyeeeuuup i definitely totally did the I HATE YOU WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE ME BUT I LOVE YOU WHY AM I LASHING OUT AT YOU SO MUCH DON’T LEAVE ME I HATE YOU thing. it was not fun for anybody (understatement). and i have No Intention of living in the “grown up” version of “I hate you but we’re ~family~ so I’m going to politely tolerate your presence while I’m numb or miserable.” i’m not about it. no sir no way no how.

YH. yeah. okay i’m gonna end this post Here because if i keep goin i’ll get so mad I give myself a migraine RIP. that’s kind of a Whole Bunch huh.

[askluxnovalibra]

Part 1 Hey can you please help me, I'm a libra sun sag moon scorpio venus and mercury (and dominant) and nobody has really seen me cry or sensitive and I feel like nobody rly knows me except for my brother, cousin, and two closest friends... but they kinda suck at opening up too, and my brother has enough psychological problems. I always get perfectly along with scorpios and capricorns and yin moons bc i understand how underrated and misinterpreted their suffer and pain are

Part 2 And there are these two friends: sag suns with scorpio/pisces moon… and they are so omg im sorry but its so freaking painful. They both have their problems but they both are so fckin shallow seriously. The pisces moon just doesnt understand what life is and is brutally ingenuous. And scorpio moon is such a b**** rly. She has a tough backstory her brother has always been a jerk (he’s mentally ill) And i though she would be great bc she always says she understands pain and etc.Part 3 And here comes the deal: I have been exposed to mentally ill ppl, ocd hysterical and completely evil people who happened to be my beloved family. At 14 I stopped having them and found out they were everything I didn’t expect them to be. I lost my whole childhood (wich happened to be my basic reason to live). At 15 I went to a sports school. They were our friends, we trusted them. One year goes by and once again I am betrayed by my friends and fall on the ground.Part 4 Then, comes the BEST part. As ive said im a scorpio venus. I fell in love at first sight with a boy that totally corresponded. Small detail: he had a gf. He now broke up with her so thats kinda nice (not to sound mean, rly) for me but whatever; I was 15 and I had been betrayed by everyone. At 16 I was dead inside. I didn’t get attached i didnt live i didnt like to be even awake i cries everyday before school and after school and before going to bed.Part 5 I even got to a point of cutting my arms bc i enjoyed knowing the pain i was going through was actually real and not “sumthin you have to go through, its life.” I met the scorpio moon. At first she seemed awesome. Until getting upset at the smallest thing. Im a scorpio dominant and i know i dont need to be like that. I know she just does this because shes immature and has no clue of life. Im sorry im doing this long ask but rly i need help. No one literally no one knows this.Part 6 No one knows i cry no one knows i ever even cut my arms. And no one even notices. Thank god tbh. No one knows and imagines what it is to cry and scream and DIE for a dude you don’t even know. I know it sounds exaggerated but its the truths. I cant fall in love with anybody else since im 15 and im 17 (turning 18 this year) I live in a house ik im moving out of but i dont know when. I live with my mom in my grandmothers and she is also mentally ill. My mom too is always mentally unstablePart 7 She’s been through everything no one should go through. My dad is f****d up with this house and always hides very well we actually don’t have lots of money. My brother is an amazing soul an exceptional person who fell in love almost 5 years ago and still has anxiety bc of what happened (he didn’t know her too) and has too many psychological problems. I’m stuck with myself and no one seems to understand. I’m so sorry for this post. I’m so, so sorry. It’s just I’m done. I’m tired of pplPart 8 Im tired of ppl making me cry Of ppl being shallow Ppl hurting me and seeing me as A B*TCH I just need someone that actually knows. That actually can tell me they understand me and they too hate it all like me. Im so sorry and thank you for having the patience to read this. ❤️💖———————————————————–

It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time in your life. I know it can seem endless, and it can seem like everyone is out to get you. Once you feel betrayed, it can be hard to trust people again. It is all too easy to be stuck in our own extreme emotions. After losing faith in someone, it’s tempting to write off everyone in your life as fake, shallow, and naive. Constantly replaying the betrayal in your mind will only do you harm. It’ll only make you more angry and more likely to adopt the “me against the world” type of attitude. You’re 17. You’re still young. You still have a long life ahead of you, and it would be remiss of you to go through life with that sort of attitude. You’ve been wronged, and it is alright to acknowledge that, but you must now think about the situation with your heart, perhaps not so much with your heart. The heart can be easily mislead, easily angered, easily fooled, easily spiteful, easily misguided. Consider moving into a stage of forgiveness. Forgiveness in this sense is not saying that those people’s actions were ok, forgiveness is more for your own sake. Start to detach yourself from the pain those actions caused you. Continuing to obsess over the transgressions of others will hinders your own progress. If the wound is to ever heal, you must stop picking at the scab. Let yourself move on. One way you can do that is to write everything down (as you have bravely shared with me, a stranger) on a piece of paper. Write out every hurt, every frustration, everything that keeps you up at night. Then tear it up, burn it, or throw it away. It clears the energy. It’s no longer a problem, it’s out of your head, and you are free to move on. Detach yourself from people you can’t trust. If they’re actively causing drama or unpleasantness, leave the situation. If you can, slowly stop reaching out to them, or say you don’t feel like hanging out. If you want closure, you could meet up with the, to talk. It’s harder when they’re your family members because you can’t really escape them, but you can still with them and talk out your problems. You can say “I’m having a hard time understanding why you did this …” or “I’m confused about this situation…” or “I felt hurt when this happened…”. You must also realize that most people aren’t complete bad. In a lot of what you described, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps some of those people aren’t actively out to get you. I think you may be too close to the situation. I would advise you to get an outside perspective. You reached out to me, and that is a great start, but I only have a limited understanding of the situation, and only from your perspective. I think the best course of action is to seek real, professional help. As someone who harms themself and who is surrounded by the effects of mental illness, I would seriously consider seeking out a therapist or counselor. I am not a professional. I do not know you personally, and so the advice I can offer is very limited. Seeking someone who has gone to school for psychology will be able to help you much more than I can. It is brave of you to share this, and it’s a good sign that you’re willing to reach out to others. Consider asking for professional’s help in your area. Likely your school has access to counselors and can refer you to a full-time therapist.

I really do wish you the best 🌸

[possibilistfanfiction]

hey jude!!! just read ur last anon abt being nb and wondered if u could talk abt ur own gender experience?

well basically i didnt grow up in a very open household, like rly Zero discussion of gender, so i know i Experienced gender entirely but i played almost exclusively with the boys in my class until probably grade 6 or 7, & at puberty, even tho i was a better athlete than most boys in my class still, i started hanging out with girls more, at recess, etc. i was always into androgyny, even if i had no idea (& i didn’t) what that was—i liked some femme things, absolutely, but i wanted nothing to do w skirts or pretty shoes. i wanted to be in adidas running sneakers 24/7 if i could help it, & i wore a uniform to school w the option of a skirt/pants, & im p sure i always wore pants. at the time this, to me, seemed more functional, & it was, but it was also, as i can understand now, something that made me feel Less like a girl, although not at all like a boy.

when i was older, 12, 13, 14, my parents wanted me to dress nicer, & i was v much into like american eagle shit, although by mid hs i was into some vintage stuff. one rly big odd style influence for me was mia wasikowksa in this weird movie called restless bc it was this v soft femme androgyny & i think for me this kind of gender expression became very important to see & understand. it wasn’t that she didn’t look like a girl, or that she wasn’t a girl, but she also sometimes looked like a boy, or wore boys clothes, but she wasn’t butch. idk this movie sent me for a loop honestly lol. 

& obviously my understanding of gender expression didn’t correlate (& doesn’t correlate!) w so many gender identities, & “passing” is extremely harmful as a notion, etc. but when i was younger my understanding of gender & sexuality was very limited & began to expand when i saw very femme but still andro ppl, even tho i couldn’t articulate it at the time. 

when i was a teenager i knew i didnt want to rly have a single thing to do w any boy, which made me sure i was a lesbian bc thats the only narrative i’d rly known abt queerness, or queer women, or even queer ppl who presented as femme. there werent any out lesbians at my school (no fucking way), & the only out queer kid at all was a white gay guy a year older than me, who was popular in the way white gay boys can be popular in high school. but i read voraciously, was fascinated by the crossdressing in shakespeare (paris in the merchant of venice was a particular fixation of mine?) & anyway. i knew i was queer, i knew i liked girls, & i knew i was outrageously uncomfortable w my body, particularly my breasts. for a long time i thought this was because i was ashamed of my sexuality, when i came to sort of understand that, but ofc now i know abt dysmorphia & dysphoria, so yknow. knowledge.

when i went to college i came out big time, & it became very important to me to both be queer & look sort of queer but not queer enough to be Queer—i wanted ppl to be like ‘maybe into girls, but maybe straight.’ as im sure many of us know, this was a lot of internalized shame abt a lot of things, so that sucks. however, i cut my hair which was like the first comfortable thing i had done for my appearance in a v long time, & also smth which my parents hated & i did anyway. i wore a Lot of rly femme stuff bc they hated it tho? so this was all v confusing for me bc my parents are v homophobic, & here i was in college starting to read queer theory & gender theory & falling in love w like. the most beautiful, brilliant girl, & also spiraling into a mixed episode after i got diagnosed w bipolar I, which sort of put everything else on the backburner for a year. 

eventually tho i sorted that out (as much as u can sort smth like that out) & i started to rly pay attention to androgyny. i went to europe & i think theres a whole bunch of nuances to fashion that exist there that certainly arent here, & i spent a winter in warsaw so there were aspects to fashion & expression there that were entirely abt functionality, which i was v attracted to. in college, as well, & especially after college, gender became smth i was v much invested in bc i was (& absolutely am) a feminist, so my place in the canon & zeitgeist was one as a queer female writer. it was so so central to who i was, & what i was writing abt. every single thing i wrote in college was in some way a balm, some sort of piece abt myself, learning abt trauma & the body. sorting through a lot of hurt. i could write a theory piece abt elizabeth bishop & reading it back now i know it was also abt me, that kinda stuff.

when i went to toronto i rly rly started being invested in looking critically at gender & my experience of it bc being read as a woman was smth that was grating on me, even tho i had identified as woman for so long, & had no desire at all to transition. i know 100% i am not a trans man, so that was confusing for a long time because i sort of knew there was a space between but it was very hard to conceptualize. eventually i sort of came to understand gender is a color wheel where cis boys are blue & cis women are pink & then theres literally a ton of other colors out there, so yknow. lots of different experiences of gender. some days i feel much more strongly like i identify w women (in mostly political situations, it matters to me to be read as “female” sometimes bc rights for ppl w vaginas AND trans women are FUCKED UP in so many places). some days i hate the idea of identifying as a woman. i also never want to identify as a man. so when i was in toronto i rly started to know a LOT of queer ppl w so many different expressions of gender. & we were all young & lovely & open & fucked up & we would get fucked up but we would also go read together in the park & wander around alleys in the snow & like. there’s a Muchness to toronto that i experienced that helped me, personally, understand these intersections between my own sexuality & gender & expression as much more than just a gay woman who isn’t butch & isn’t femme. i was rly lucky to become part of a community that identified as Queer, & so i became v much understanding of these different aspects of my own identity that fell outside of binary—my sexuality, my gender. Queerness is a vital & profound thing to me & i was rly able (& so fortunate) to have a close friend group of mostly queer ppl & then a few of the actual literally most incredible allies i’ve ever known & will ever know. 

so then from there i just rly kinda thought abt things & like i got a binder & stuff in TO but rly started to evaluate my dysmorphia & dysphoria (i had struggled really badly w an eating disorder in/post college) & was able to sort out that so much of it had to do w feeling uncomfortable in the way my body was read in the world. & that will always happen bc i LOVE makeup & i have a “feminine” voice & sometimes i love skirts & i shave my legs bc i like how it feels sometimes & i dont ever want to go on T—none of these things make anyone ANY gender, but ofc theyre coded as “female.” but i’m learning to just yknow educate where i can & take a lot of solace in the community of ppl i have fostered who support & understand my Being. i’ve also allowed myself to be invested in aesthetics & fashion & how much a role that plays bc like. yah fuck Yah i look cool shit bc my friends love it & absolutely i wanna wear the same vans maia mitchell has & i want a melodrama hoodie & i LOVE local toronto designers & their angsty patches abt sad songs & whiskey but i love fashion born out of histories that is connected to smth i can understand, like queer punk movements, or smth my friends & i share, like blundstones (which are gender neutral, which is cool). i’m fascinated in how ppl express their Selves, & we are so unfortunately Finite in our bodies in the sense that that’s rly how the world, in our day to day interactions, processes who & what we are. so i invest in the care of mine by trying to listen to it, trying to make it comfortable—& clothing is a huge thing that can do that. also its fun so anyone who thinks loving (ethical, cool) fashion is vain can eat my ass

anyway lmao now i have a p decent sense, atm at least, of what makes my body its most comfortable (even if that is v far from Comfortable at times). i love my tattoos, & i basically never rly want long hair again i’m p sure, & i love makeup, & if i could wear vans or blundstones every day for the entirety of my life at this point that would be incredible. those are easy things, & i try to allow my body, in its cultural place, to have access to them as much as possible, which is so important to me in a sense of having access to a physical space that matches my mental space of gender identity. politically sometimes i feel v v much a “woman” in terms of my lived experience, & i allow that of myself as well. sometimes when i write it’s important to me that my poetry be read as a queer person but also someone who is culturally coded as a woman, bc those are still always central concerns of my work—the trauma, the power there. but day to day i’m mostly happy spending my time obsessing over other things, like what to call this new genre of music halsey & lorde are making, or why my dog stevie is a Fanatic when it comes to ice cubes. ive come to enough terms w my gender, & my sexuality—& the expression thereof—that unless someone is talking abt gender, or someone asks me a question, it’s not smth that is constantly on my mind, which is. Nice. its so nice lol. 

also i would like to point out that i know my experience being non binary is rly rly white & western in so many ways & i get that. my cultural experience of non binary gender is also v much this like. ive felt frustrated before but never in my life have i felt scared to be non-binary while i was like out & abt in the world, bc i still pass as a cis white woman literally everywhere all the time (which has its pros & cons but like, still, a lot of privilege). so i do try to keep all of that in mind as well when i try to center myself & all that jazz

& who tf knows where all of that will take me. i feel like, bc ive learned to listen to my body & my brain so much better than i did when i was younger—even when they might hate themselves—i am so much better at filling up a space in the world that occupies smth healthy. which is not smth i take lightly, & i’m also so open to changes, as long as they feel good & beneficial & true. which is sort of new for me. who knows man ur mid twenties are a wild ride 

[pizzaswag]

u know what's the worst thing about John green hate? ppl keep making fun of him for leaving tumblr for being whiny and complaining about being "bullied" but he left bc ppl starting making fucking pedophilia implications with absolutely no basis, they were just like "john green interacts with a lot of teenage girls that's creepy" like he interacts with a lot of teenagers in general bc that's his main fanbase jfc like U accused a father with a mental illness of pediophilia that's so fucking sick

True!!! I actually didn’t even know that?? I knew he left Tumblr but that being the reason gets me livid.

The Green brothers are as close to unproblematic wealthy straight cis gendered white men as you can possibly get bc like (time for a long post)-They donate a lot of their wealth (which they acknowledge they obtained partially due to privilege in addition to hard work)-advocate for lower classes both in developed and underdeveloped countries, as well as marginalized communities in general, -create safe spaces through Nerdfighteria for literally everyone-directly combat issues within the YouTube community (banning sexual predators from vidcon and the like instead of ignoring it)-I know from first hand experience that NerdCon Boston (so probably vidcon as well probably bc it’s a larger event) was entirely handicap accessible with front row reserved disability seating at all panels as well as multiple ASL translators, they had free pins for people to put on that would have their preferred pronouns (which was provided for encouraging inclusivity & to help ease some anxieties people might have about social interaction & being misgendered so they could talk to fellow Nerdfighters a little easier which was the point of the whole convention.) -They also had small business vendors at NerdCon as well!! And routinely use fan made designs in their online shop that the artists get direct compensation for. -they encourage small businesses and content creators in general-They advocate for mental health while being mental ill themselves (I know John is mentally ill, I believe Hank has ADHD) -They make educational content free and accessible purely for people to learn especially with crash course in schools that lack funding for additional education materials.-Sexplanations is a channel devoted to sex positive sexual health education-Animal Wonders is focused on animals and peaking interest in conservation efforts- P sure they have a hand in How To Adult which is just helpful and cool for everyone (and Mental Floss)-they have Project For Awesome each year to raise tons of money for thousands of charities-they have websites to help people understand why they should vote/how to vote/where to vote, making political education more accessible & understandable to more people bc that shit is complicated.-basically every major political move has a vlogbrothers video that lays out the legal terms without being too bias but highlighting why it’s good and bad. -They provide a platform for so many other creators to talk about issues they feel as though they aren’t qualified for and constantly refer to their friends content who are POC/female/LGBTQ+/disabled/etc to address issues of communities they aren’t apart of, etc. -And every time they are called out for something they address it, apologize and better themselves? So like?? Isn’t that what we all want??

[bubonickitten]

My mom's gone as far as to not trust vaccines anymore and thinking my brother's epilepsy can be improved w/ THC oil. i had a panic attack during an exam and my mom told me to smoke weed before exams...... like i can get expelled for showing up high to school, plus it can worsen my panic attacks!

YUP, like… I’m not saying I support Big Pharma 100% – pharmaceutical companies are interested in profit above all else, I have zero trust in corporations in general. 

And I’m also not saying trust the medical or psychiatric systems 100% – both have an ongoing history of ableism, racism, sexism, ethnocentrism, classism, sizeism, etc. etc. etc. Scientific racism and medical/psychiatric abuse have existed throughout history and continue to exist. There are a lot of shitty health providers out there (I’ve encountered more shitty ones than good ones personally). Science and medicine aren’t wholly benevolent or objective – they’re subject to people’s individual biases and historical and cultural factors. 

Plus, formal medical and psychiatric care aren’t the be-all end-all of treatment options. I totally support anyone who doesn’t want to personally undergo a given mode of treatment. Compulsory treatment often does more harm than good. Holistic and spiritual and alternative treatments, or relying primarily on self-care and community support, or whatever works best for an individual person are cool for those who want to go that route. (Though I draw the line at parents not wanting to vaccinate their kids based on fearmongering and misinformation. Herd immunity is important, the idea that vaccines cause autism has been debunked time and time again, and the idea that autism is the worst thing that can possibly happen to a person is awful and ableist. Personal choice regarding one’s own medical care is one thing, but when you’re making medical decisions that can harm another person or people, that’s a different beast.) And a lot of people don’t even have access to formal medical or psychiatric care due to any number of reasons (health insurance, affordability, transportation/distance issues, unsupportive family, trauma, discrimination, fear/distrust of the medical and psychiatric systems, providers within transportation distance not taking new patients or not taking health insurance, etc. etc. etc.). 

BUT that said, I have little patience for people who try to belittle the way I choose to manage my conditions. I don’t enjoy having to take so many medications, and no they don’t cure me or make me completely symptom-free, but they help me manage my symptoms to the point where I can live. I’ve been seeing the same therapist for ten years, and that’s helpful for me, but I’m not gonna tell everyone they need to open up to a therapist. And like… wrt weed – I’m not denying that marijuana is helpful in symptom management for a wide variety of symptoms for many people, but it isn’t the only option and it isn’t a viable option for everyone, for various reasons (legal, medical, financial, etc.). 

Personally, I have a history of paranoia and psychotic symptoms, esp during my extreme mood episodes, and marijuana can make me incredibly paranoid and anxious, so I have to be careful. I get together with my college friends twice a year and during those times I might have a bit of pot brownie or some other edible, but that’s basically the only time I partake, because it’s a safe space for me, and I’ve also gotten pretty decent with judging when I can handle a slight high versus when it’s not a good idea. 

Also, I have asthma, and I constantly have to remind my dad that I can’t smoke weed because it irritates my lungs and risks an asthma attack (I mean, some ppl with asthma can handle it, but personally it exacerbates my symptoms). When I ingest marijuana, it has to be in edible form. And even then I have to be careful for the aforementioned reasons. 

I don’t have anything against marijuana, and I’m in favor of legalization all the way. I just hate this idea that weed should be the solution for every ailment for literally everyone. That goes for any other treatment or self-care choice. There’s no such thing as a treatment or self-care technique that works for everyone all of the time. 

And, a lot of marijuana legalization discussion I hear totally ignores racism when it comes to the war on drugs. I feel like any discussion of marijuana legalization has to center the issue of POC – particularly Black and Latino people – being the targets of the war on drugs and mass incarceration over the past few decades. That’s not to say that there aren’t economic and medical incentives to legalize marijuana and end the war on drugs, and I also think people should be able to use it recreationally without risking legal repercussions that can change their lives forever, but to ignore the legal and discriminatory aspects of marijuana and other drugs is entirely misguided. It’s not right for so many (especially white) people to be benefiting financially from the growing marijuana industry while totally ignoring all the POC who have been and continue to be convicted of felonies (which disenfranchises and allows discrimination against them even after released from prison) for just being in possession of marijuana and other drugs. 

I’m white, and this obviously has been said better time and time again by POC. But my dad isn’t about to read any of the sources I suggest – like, I have a copy of The New Jim Crow and tried to suggest it to him recently and he blew me off. So I try to summarize the issue for him, but whenever I try to broach that aspect of the conversation with him, he totally loses interest and changes the flow of the conversation to the medical benefits of marijuana and how I should just smoke some weed and maybe I wouldn’t have to be on so many meds. 

sorry, I’m rambling. I just get so frustrated with my dad’s idea that his coping mechanisms should be universal and constantly commenting on my treatment choices as if they’re less valid. And I want to bang my head against a wall every time I hear the phrase “it’s from the EARTH” as if that makes it superior to human-made medications, because holy shit, a lot of stuff that grows out of the ground ISN’T good for you, and I hate that “chemicals are SCARY and BAD and GMOs are inherently EVIL and everyone should eat organic or they’re sheep” nonsense. 

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.