#also like you know labels and stuff care about those things

[my-pjo-stuff]

At this point everyone and their mother know that I'm a proud German and like to bring in fun stuff or specific things about my country up once in a while. Generally I'm trying to stir away from it, seeing as this is my PJO blog and I don't want to bore you all. But I think it's time to play my "As a German" card and say that the PJO fandom needs to take the words "fascist", "eugenicist" and "nazi" out of their collective vocabulary. Now I don't think I need to explain what those things have to do with my country. I will however explain the fact that German children tend to me made very aware of the meaning of those words. We learn about our history and the crimes committed. We learn about the past ideologies of the Third Reich and how to dismantle them. I especially have grown up being very sensitive to these things, as my parents have placed great importance on me understanding the whole of my country's history. That includes the Third Reich.

And as such to say that I am frankly horrified at the way the PJO fandom treats these very loaded terms is an underestimate. I have seen multiple different people comparing Luke and the TA to Nazis, saying they are eugenicists or even fascists.

Which is just genuinly so harmful because they are not.

I won't go into the specifics of the way they are not because it would go beyond the scope of this post while also being very easily searchable simply by googling the definition of the aforementioned words.

Using labels such as "Nazi", "Eugenicist" and "Fascist" on people and things that are not waters the term down a lot. Which is genuinely harmful because there very much are still IRL people with those beliefs! We cannot allow ourselves to forget the true horror of these words, because that would allow these horrors to return. If every villain starts being a "nazi"- then how can we recognize the actual nazi?

This fandom seems to love the "fiction has an impact on real life" argument. As a German I am genuinely asking you to apply this here. Now don't get me wrong- it's fine to point out these ideologies and practices in fiction aswell as parallels should they be found. I myself pointed out how Camp Jupiter's Wolfhouse is borderline eugenicist- but you NEED to do your proper research first. There are plenty of other valid ways to criticize characters, especially Luke, if you want to do it. But calling him these names is just genuinely harmful.

Please be careful using these words, and remember who and what stands behind them.

[ohplasticheart]

.

[seulszn]

Listen I love TLOU and the fandom very much but a lot of people (not calling anybody out) need a reality check and need to grow up. I wanna say my two cents on things that bother me in this fandom.

1. Boycotting for Palestine

I have seen multiple times on multiple occasions where people would sit on their phone and complain about why writers are “flooding the tags with this boycotting bullshit” and honestly all I have to say is your super childish you can’t take a hour or a week out of your day to raise awareness on a important topic that is affecting millions of people? Your so horny so down bad for pixelated characters that you don’t care about the innocent children, women and men that are dying in Palestine? The boycotting isn’t gonna stop just because you want your needs filled, the boycotting isn’t going to stop because you think it needs to, it’s not gonna stop until Palestine is free. And if you wanna read things that bad then read nobody is stoping you but a take into ignition that if a writer is spreading awareness then don’t be ignorant and say stupid shit

2. Less Sex and more angst or other genres.

Listen I love Abby and Ellie just like everyone else and I read a lot of smut about them but does that all y’all see when y’all look at them? As sex objects? Like I’m not saying that you should stop writing smut for those characters but write other things to that don’t involve smut, like angst I see a lot of people under that tag say how they wish writers would as write other things that isn’t just smut and majority of the time when they say that they get hated for it. It lowkey gets boring reading fanfics where the whole plot is smut, smut, smut. And again I’m not saying to stop writing smut but please for the love of whatever you believe in write other genres.

3. Black inclusivity

As a black writer and a black person TLOU tag isn’t inclusive enough. I know you must be thinking “Why are we speaking about this again?” Because I’m honestly so tired of how uninclusive the fandom is like I said before Ellie dates WOC if you don’t know what WOC is it’s Women Of Color all of Ellie’s girlfriends where WOC now I’m not saying you can’t write for Ellie as a white person and I’m not saying that never did all I am saying is once again all of Ellie’s girlfriend where POC

Riley was a Black African American who Dated Ellie

Cat the girl who wasn’t mentioned alot but is in the game is Asian American who also dated Ellie

Dina is a Jewish (Mexican, Middle Eastern ) American who dated Ellie

Also yes we know when the reader is white coded so don’t try a put that you don’t mention when race mentioned cause you do and we can tell when you do “She’s Petite and cute with her long blonde hair” or whatever you bitches be saying we know when you guys aren’t inclusive the whole point of fanfiction writing is to be inclusive is to make sure that readers can see themself in your xreader so if your putting all these “white things and then labeling your story as “the readers race is not mentioned” or that OC stuff that y’all do then just label the story as a white reader or a OC reader

4. Futa, trans and masc

Now here I’m gonna discuss two or three things starting off with Futa and Trans. Now I don’t know when “Futa” or “Trans” Ellie and Abby came from but a lot of you readers need to understand and learn the difference between the two because they are both very different things.

Futanari: is the Japanese word for hermaphroditism, which is also used in a broader sense for androgyny. Beyond Japan, the term has come to be used to describe a commonly pornographic genre of eroge, manga, and anime, which includes characters that show primary sexual characteristics from both females and males. In today's language, it refers almost exclusively to characters who have an overall feminine body, but have both female and male primary genitalia (although a scrotum is not always present, while breasts, a penis, and a vulva are). The term is also often abbreviated as futa(s), which is also used as a generalized term for the works themselves.

Transgender (often shortened to trans) is someone whose gender identity differs from that typically associated with the sex they were assigned at birth. Some transgender people who desire medical assistance to transition from one sex to another identify as transsexual. Transgender is also an umbrella term; in addition to including people whose gender identity is the opposite of their assigned sex (trans men and trans women), it may also include people who are non-binary or genderqueer. Other definitions of transgender also include people who belong to a third gender, or else conceptualize transgender people as a third gender. The term may also include cross-dressers or drag kings and drag queens in some contexts. The term transgender does not have a universally accepted definition, including among researchers.

Mind you I am not transgender I am nonbinary but I see a lot of transgender people speak up about how offensive it is to write a character as Transgender but it’s not really transgender but a Futanari remember a Futa is a character who is assigned a gender at birth but just has extra sexual parts like a penis.

Now another thing that bothers me is how y’all Masculinize Masc Lesbians as if they still aren’t women themselves like every time I read a fanfic with Ellie or Abby or even Vi and Sevika from Arcane you guys like to ignore they fact that they are also women themselves like it’s not gonna kill you to give those characters feminine compliments there shouldn’t be a reason why your calling these women “handsome” or other Masculine compliments and also a lot of Masculine women where makeup it’s not just a feminine woman thing. Masc Lesbians are women they aren’t men so stop treating them as if they are men and ignoring the fact that they are women

5. the Innocent childish reader gotta stop.

They title says enough I don’t think I need to say too much but a lot of y’all get innocent and corruption mixed up but a corruption kink is When you find the idea of "corrupting" someone, mostly in a sexual way, like taking virginities or introducing people to stuff like bdsm etc. It's the idea of having someone "pure" do "bad" things under your influence. And innocent is not corrupted or tainted with evil or unpleasant emotion; sinless; pure. not guilty of a particular crime; blameless. (From the dictionary)

Y’all need to understand yes not everyone knows what sex is but everyone knows what a vagina is what a penis is, what a orgasm is and what sex is but they may not knows what happens when you have sex so making the reader what y’all call innocent isn’t innocent it’s honestly to me perverted cause the only one who would say something like “my cunny feels weird 🥺” or that “what is sex 🥺” is a child. Children don’t know what sex is children don’t know what pleasure or orgasms is and when y’all say “the reader is a Bimbo” is also funny cause Bimbos know what sex is as well yes they may be stupid but they aren’t slow so before you make a innocent reader please think “am I making my reader act like a child or am I gonna make her really innocent like how regular grown ass adults act?” so don't get not knowing and "innocent" mixed up

6. The stories where they have sex inside a church also gotta stop

Now I’m not a Christian but these stories are honestly really bad and are Blasphemy a lot of people have come out and said that they don’t like the fact that people are writing stories about church in a sexual way like their shouldn’t be any reason why your characters are fucking inside a church, that’s like stomping on someone’s dead grave. You guys do shit like this and then wonder why Christian’s don’t like us. Religion isn’t something to be sexualized it’s not something to be playing with either this idc how much you hate Christianity you can be a Atheist, or Catholic or Jewish but please for the love of whatever you believe in don’t sexualize people’s religion.

That’s all I can think of at the moment if I think of more I’ll of course make a part two to this but don’t take anything I said here to heart it’s just my blunt honest opinion on things in this fandom and if I get hate for this 🤷🏾‍♀️

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Wondering your thoughts on something.

There are these questions floating around like the one you reblogged, of the flavor 'can [identity] [do something that is seemingly contrary to the dictionary definition of identity]?'

Do you think there's ever value to engaging with these conversations?

I ask because I think at some point, for myself, I was wrestling with 'can someone be straight and be with a non-binary partner' and there are layers to a question like that:

1. Can I maintain the stability and comfort and safety of my label despite who I love

2. Can I respect the identity of the person I love without changing my label

3. Is there some value to changing my label or keeping it

4. If I don't change my label but I feel queer can I still belong to a supportive community

5. [Externalized gatekeeping bullshit]

And I know the easy answer is, who cares do whatever.

But when you're in it, that's not an answer that feels productive. Like if I could have just done whatever without consequences I would have, but the consequences of deviating from or refusing to deviate from a strict definition felt very material.

Actually engaging with a sort of reckoning for stuff like that feels helpful. Reaching out to the queer community, seeking others who have wrestled with that question and found success, seeking validation in being strange that goes beyond 'everyone can do anything forever', I see the value in it. That's the community we're supposed to be cultivating, no? That's part of the support part, isn't it? Sharing experiences?

But I also see the value in saying, 'you gotta figure this shit out on your own,' because sometimes you gotta do that. I did. And my answer changed over time. It's just a very lonely process. And when we go through it ourselves it's easy to say, I did it, you can/should too. But then aren't we sitting at the whole 'I paid student loans so how dare they forgive student loans' mentality? Aren't we supposed to be making things easier?

All this to ask, isn't it better to engage with these questions in good faith than to assume it's gatekeeping bullshit? For the people it might help? Is 'you're fine, figure it out for yourself, don't worry about other people' actually engaging it in good faith?

I guess to me the issue is less that I'm against self introspection or that I'm assuming it's gatekeeping bullshit as like. what do you mean, "can x do y?" ? they're already doing that.

"can lesbians use he/him pronouns?" "can aseuxals have sex?" "can transmascs use the word tranny?" "can bisexual women call themselves lesbians?" "can you be trans without dysphoria?" "can a straight person be in a relationship with a nonbinary person?"

like... yes. of course they can. who's going to stop them? all of those things are in fact already happening and have been happening for longer than you can imagine. and the world kept turning. go drink a lemonade about it or something.

[fandoms--fluff]

GIRL GIRL GIRL RIGHT, I THOUGHT I WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER THINK OF POLY!MIKAELSONS WITH LITTLE!READER (in my head i mean not like writing) BUT I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR WRITING PLEASE I BEG YOU I NEED MORE, GIVE ME MORE AND MY LIFE IS YOURS

-🩷

Poly Mikaelsons with a Little Reader Headcannons

A/n: your wish is my command

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Klaus

You'd call him Daddy, and not any other, unlike some of the rest of your mommies and daddies

Like there'd be no reason for needing to call him anything else

Except the couple of times you copied Kol by saying 'Nik'. Which ended in Kol almost getting smacked by Klaus if freya hadn't intervened during those times

He'd definitely spoil you, not caring about Elijah's protests on the matter

He shows you his hybrid eyes to calm you down from a nightmare or a crying fit

^works like magic every time

This beautiful daddy is protective of you like nobody's business

It might as well be his full time job

He'd be the most possessive of you, especially when you regress into basically a baby, not being able to pit together a coherent sentence and just want to snuggle.

^which he would happily comply because even though it may not seem it, he'd be one of the biggest cuddlers, his wolf side playing right into it even moreso.

Elijah

You'd call him Daddy and sometimes when your tired or really regressed, call him Dada

But it's not an every day basis thing

In a very close 2nd place of how protective he is over you, to Klaus

To get you to go down for a nap, he'd walk around the abboiter's endless hallways while gently bouncing you in his arms until your snoozing peace and quietly

Would most likely buy and set up a baby monitor in your nursery to have even more reassurance of your safety even though his vamp hearing is way more reliable than the little machine. But none of the others say anything against it and let it be.

You'd sit with him in his study, coloring a sheet of paper with crayons, sat in his lap, as your Daddy reads through paperwork and boring adult vampire stuff

He'd be very soft with our that no one outside the family has seen or knows of. He'd sit with you in his bed or on the couch or in your nursery on the rocking chair and read you a story - mostly fairytales.

Paces kisses on the crown of your head

Kol

You'd call him Dada and nothing else - he's Dada and will always stay that way to you.

EXCEPT

When kol acts childishy himself (as he often does), he seems more like a best friend than a caregiver to you in those times, so then you'd call him Koly

^the rest of them may or may not be waiting for the moment where it's clear he's also a little cause like c'mon- but that's a discussion for another time

Would definitely be the one to go all out while playing with you, whether that ne setting up massive race tracks all around the abboiter for hot weel cars or creating high pitch voices for your barbie dolls and stuffed animals

He'd blow raspberries on your stomach, sending you into a fit of screeching laughter

Would 100% be labeled as the 'fun daddy'

He'd be the most disappointed when Rebekah banned them from ever dressing you again. He himself thought his outfit choices were incredible.

Would give you smooches all over your face, making you burst out into gleeful laughter

Rebekah

You'd call her Mama and Momma. Mama is used more, but you interchange it depending on your regressed state.

She'd treat you like a princess and almost spoils you as much as Klaus

She'd love buying you cute dresses and jewelry that's safe for you so you won't choke on it or hurt yourself.

She'd ban Elijah, Klaus, and Kol from ever dressing you after witnessing the horrendous outfits they put you in.

^ "this is a fashion nightmare what on earth were you thinking?!" Is a line said to all of them at different moments before she got them all together in a room and declared they're banned from dressing you any longer.

Would do your hair up in the cutest hairstyles, especially the ones with multiple braids

^it's calming for both you and her

She loves just laying with you on her bed. You snuggled into her closet and head nuzzled into her surprising warm vampire chest.

Suckling on her boobs before you're laid down for your bedtime or naps

Freya

You'd call her Mommy and sometimes Momma when you're more regressed. But she's your Mommy through and through.

She loves holding you in her arms and gets a tad disappointed when she has to put you down

^she'd 100% buy one of those adult wraps to hold you against her body

Would cast a protective charm on you so nothing happens to hurt you.

Having Mommy and Mama days with her and Rebekah>>>> they'd be the best!

Freya's the only other one who can still dress you without Rebekah going all 'power mad' (Kol's wording) because she knows her older sister has got the fashion sense that their brothers don't contain.

She'd place Kisses all over your face in the morning after you'd just woken up

Would sway you in her arms and sometimes she doesn't even realize she's doing so

[blue-devil-of-the-lord]

I've been thinking about this one for awhile. How would be with someone with a physical mutation? I'm talking humanized godzilla. Sharp teeth, hardened scales, non-prehensile tail, and claws/talons for hand and feet. Godzilla s/o worries that Kurt wouldn't want to be with them and be labeled as the 'monster couple'. Also, godzilla s/o loves their mutation but is jealous of Kurt's prehensile tail cause he can actually do things with his.

Beastly but Beloved

Kurt Wagner x gn!reader Words: 0.5K (so short, I'm sorry)

Okay, so, first of all, I don’t think that Kurt would care at all, if you have some sort of physical mutation. After all, he’s also not quite a “normal” looking person. So no worries there.

However he is somehow a little bit more protective of you, if you have a special mutation.

It’s not like he doesn’t know, that you can handle yourself pretty well. It’s just that he loves you very much, including the way you look, and Kurt doesn’t want you to feel insecure about it in any kind of way. You’re stunning!

If you have a mutation that need constant cleaning to avoid attracting sicknesses, he practically volunteers to help you take care of it.

Whether it be feathers or scales or any other kind of skin mutation, he just loves to let his fingers over it to make sure that they are perfect.

If you, on a very rare occasion, do get insecure, he will not stop appreciating your body, until you’re back to normal and if that means, worshipping you the entire day, he is happy to do so.

If those insecurities have been due to another person, they can be sure though, that the next days will not be good ones. I won’t delve into it, just know, that you’re blue boyfriend is, as mentioned, quite protective.

In the beginning of your relationship you were especially insecure. After all, Kurt is this amazing, caring, respectful man and you are simply you.

Rest assure, those thoughts don’t really last that long. Kurt spends a long time, convincing you with a lot of body worship, but eventually succeeds. However, this does not mean that it will stop him from worshipping you.

Though as much as he loves to make sure that you know how appreciated you are, he also loves to tease you.

At one time you let it slip, that you are a little bit jealous of his tail, since it’s prehensile and very agile and useful, unlike some of your mutations and since then, Kurt has always made sure to pay special attention to you with help of his tail.

So be prepared to constantly feel the tip of his tail running up and down your back, being handed stuff just with his tail or catch your boyfriend hanging down from the ceiling with the help of it.

And though you always act annoyed, you have to admit that it can be kind of cute.

Kurt however always makes sure not to go too far and actually hurt your feelings. He just wants to tease you, not harm you. After all, you’re his love!!

[engie-ivy]

(I really thought this was gonna be a lot shorter than it is! I still couldn't resist the epilogue😅 Written for @wolfstarmicrofic 30th: Traitor, to add some Fluff to an angsty prompt!)

1651 words

Part Two: Label-Stuff

Remus and Sirius are in a strong, committed relationship.

They just don't know it yet.

Couple-Stuff

"Remus, it's just you and me now, there's no one else left." Mary clutches Remus' shoulders as she looks him in the eyes. "We're the last ones standing, the only ones who haven't succumbed. The others all have fallen. It's just you and me."

Lily rolls her eyes. "Dramatic much, Mary?"

Mary shakes her head disappointedly. "Alice was a lost cause ever since she laid eyes on Frank back in third grade. Then Marlene met Dorcas at the coffeeshop and we lost her pretty soon after that. Of course no one can forget the day Gideon took Emmeline away. And now the unthinkable has happened, and our very own Lily gave in to James Potter, of all people." Mary pats Remus' shoulder. "We're the last ones who are still living our best single lives, free and independent."

"Goodness, Mary," Alice sighs. "You talk like being in a relationship means your life is over. It's just the beginning of a whole new and exciting phase!"

Lily nods in agreement. "I must say, it's a lot better than I thought it would be. There are actually so many new experiences to enjoy in life as a couple!"

"Yeah," Marlene says. "Even that stupid lameass couple-stuff isn't so bad when you have someone whom you enjoy being in a stupid lameass couple with. Like going to the bloody Farmer's Market on Saturday morning and sharing one of those giant, ridiculous caramel syrup waffles."

Mary looks unimpressed. "I spend Saturday morning in my bed after partying on Friday night, because, oh yeah, I still have a life."

"I actually like the Farmer's Market," Remus disagrees. "I usually go with Sirius. He pretends he thinks it's all so lame, but who always wants to share the syrup waffle?" He chuckles fondly.

"It's not just outings either," Lily says. "Just the normal everyday stuff too, like cooking, having dinner, doing the dishes, you never have to do it alone anymore."

"Sitting on my couch in my pj's watching trash tv with a bowl of food in my lap is like the best moment of my day," Mary says. "Never eating alone anymore sounds like a literal nightmare," she shudders.

Remus shrugs. "With Sirius and I being roommates, I haven't really been doing those things alone for years."

Emmeline glances at him. "Well, yeah, I guess you can do those kinds of things with a roommate too, but as a couple, you can add sappy romance to that everyday life! Candlelit dinners, movie dates, walks on the beach, watching the sunset…"

"Why does that have to be exclusively for couples?" Remus protests. "I mean, Sirius and I both love dinner and a movie, or taking the dog to the beach and watching the sunset. We can just do those things together."

Mary gives Remus a strange look, but then focuses back on Emmeline. "I can do all those things with three different guys each week if I want to."

Emmeline shakes her head. "It's not the same as being with the one whom you know is your person."

Alice thinks for moment, trying to find the right words. "Think about it like this," she says slowly. "When you're all dolled up, in full makeup, wearing your best outfit, ready for a night of fun, yes, you can have a good time with anyone. But the best thing about being a couple is that when you feel like absolute crap and look like an absolute mess and just want to stay in bed all day, your person will also be there, taking care of you, bringing you comfort food, making you feel better."

"Sirius has a sixth sense for when I'm having a bad day," Remus says with a soft smile. "Whenever I feel down, Sirius will bring home my favourite chocolate cinnamon buns, which they only sell at a bakery on the other side of town. And he's probably the only one who can make my tea exactly as I like it. He will make sure there's always a mug with hot tea on my nightstand when I'm sick."

Alice tilts her head and studies Remus thoughtfully.

Mary arches an eyebrow looking at Remus. "I was gonna say isn't that what you've got a mum for, but apparently, you can also have a roommate for that." She shakes her head. "Anyways, I still don't think having someone to bring me tea when I'm cranky is a good enough reason to have to constantly take someone else into account, deal with jealousy and spend time with in-laws you don't like."

"But even that is suddenly not so bad anymore!" Lily argues. "I always thought that I would hate having to spend my Sundays having dinner with my in-laws, but James is taking me to his parents' house this Sunday for the first time, and I must say, I'm actually excited!"

"Oh, you should be!" Remus says enthusiastically. "Sunday dinners at the Potters' are amazing! I'll tell you, Monty's Sunday roast is to die for!"

The girls all stare at him.

Remus scratches his head awkwardly. "Sirius started taking me with him years ago." He smiles sheepishly. "He says I'm Effie and Monty's favourite by now."

Lily keeps staring at Remus as she continues. "And I'm also going to spend Christmas Day with James' family…"

"Oh," Remus immediately chimes in. "Great! Effie pulls out all stops. Sirius and I always help with-"

"Bloody hell, Remus!" Mary breaks in. "You bloody traitor!"

Remus closes his mouth and blinks at Mary in confusion.

"Here I was, thinking that you were my last ally among the couples, but it turns out that you've been in a bloody relationship with Sirius Black this whole time!"

"I'm in a… With… What?" Remus sputters. "No! Sirius and I are friends, just friends!"

"Remus," Lily says calmly, crossing her arms over her chest. "The only way your relationship with Sirius differs from a couple's, is that you're not having sex with him."

Remus' cheeks turn red and he averts his eyes.

Lily's eyes widen. "Remus John Lupin!" She gasps. "You didn't!"

Remus' face turns bright red as he stares at his hands. "It… happened. Once or twice."

Lily shakes her head. "I can't bloody believe you!"

Remus lifts his head and looks at her defiantly. "Well, can you blame me?" He says defensively. "You know what he looks like! Besides, what's the harm?" He shrugs. "We're both single, but we still both have… urges, so to speak, and we find each other physically attractive, so why not?"

"And do either of you ever sleep with anyone else?" Marlene asks seemingly casually, studying her nails.

"I'm not," Remus says. "I mean, Sirius is just objectively incredibly attractive, no one can deny that, and we have great… uhm, chemistry in the bedroom, so it really wouldn't make sense for me to go out of my way to pick up some random guy. I don't really know about Sirius, but I don't think…" Remus trails off, pausing on the idea of Sirius with someone else and feeling inexplicably nauseous, and suddenly he wants nothing more than to change the subject. "Look, this is all very personal, and none of your business!"

"And do either of you ever date anyone else?" Marlene asks undeterred.

"We're not dating!"

"Fine." Marlene rolls her eyes. "Does either of you ever date anyone?"

Remus shakes his head. "Why would we? Sirius is my best friend for a reason, I can't imagine having a better time with anyone else, and I have zero desire to spend an evening making awkward small talk with a stranger. Besides, we both aren't looking for anything. Sirius does not want to give up on his freedom, and I don't want to deal with all the expectations and accompanying anxiety that come with a relationship."

"Oh, for god's sake, I can't bloody believe it!" Lily pressed the palm of her hand to her forehead. "You and Sirius are both so bloody afraid of commitment, but you completely failed to notice you've been in a bloody committed relationship to each other for years!"

"Sirius' and mine relationship is platonic!" Remus insists. "And, well, sometimes also physical, I guess. Platonic and physical, not romantic. I mean, not that I don't love him. Of course I love him, but more in a way that we complete each other. Sirius just feels like home, he's the only one who…" Remus trails off and runs a hand through his hair. "Wait, what was I saying again?"

Mary gives him a flat look. "I believe you were explaining how you love Sirius and are physically attracted to him, he's your other half and you're safe haven, but oh, all in a purely platonic way of course."

Remus groans and hides his face in his hands. "I'm screwed, aren't I?"

"Jamie?" Lily asks hesitantly.

James hums while he's laying with his head on Lily's lap, as she runs her fingers through his hair (like she has absolutely not been itching to do since fifth grade, no, absolutely not).

"Would you…" Lily is very careful to breach the topic. James isn't exactly good at dealing with change, and she doesn't want to upset him. Remus and Sirius are his best friends, and he might not be happy with the dynamic of their group potentially changing. Besides, those boys are both like brothers to him, so what if it makes him uncomfortable if the relationship between the two of them turns out to be not-so-brotherly?

Lily braces herself. "How would you feel about Remus and Sirius potentially one day being… more than friends?"

James stills, and a moment passes with him just laying motionless with his head under her hand, as Lily holds her breath.

Then James sits up and turns to her, his eyes wide and blinking at her. "Haven't they been a couple for the past three years?"

Read Part Two here!

[anadiasmount]

is this real? - jude bellingham x reader.

quick sum: breakup, attempt of a makeup. but you're not here to play around, wanting security, but it doesn't help when jude can't find out what he really wants. is your love really worth the shot?

wc: 2.7 k | masterlist | jude's masterlist

psa 🗣️: hi! i'm back this is kinda angsty and kinda meh :( i still hope you enjoy and like tho! also I will be starting a small jude series in the upcoming weeks, which I'm super excited about! in the mean time here is this :)

“Hi, buddy. Hi! How’s my big baby?” you say in a gentle voice to the German shepherd who couldn't stop licking your face in excitement, his tail wagging and almost crying. It was a month since you had seen Duke, and it was safe to say he missed you as well. He was a birthday gift from Jude about a year ago, since you had asked for one, and Jude wanted a guard dog when he wasn't home. 

You remember the day vividly since it was during the summer, a few weeks before his season ended, and you had the opportunity to travel with Duke around the holidays you took. Duke was a momma's boy, he wouldn’t ever leave your side no matter what. If Jude was here he would acknowledge him but he refused to leave your side. Duke was the biggest and softest sweetheart, he was so friendly and always so happy, so you wondered how he was after you and Jude split. 

Duke came into your embrace and let you hold him for a good five minutes before you got up and made sure he had his breakfast. You practised a few tricks and rewarded him with treats after. He continued to follow you around as you picked up your suitcases and took them upstairs. He tilted his head to the side confused before he whined and touched your leg, “I'm not going anywhere buddy, at least not yet,” you leaned down and kissed his head. He ran up the stairs and watched as you ragged up the three suitcases. 

Duke layed on the carpet as you went into the closet and began to retrieve your jeans and leggings from the drawer, along with your other skirts and shorts you had. Those all barely fit into one suitcase, having to lay on top of it in order to close it. One task was done but you still had to retrieve the other parts of your stuff. You wanted to make sure no trace of you was left behind. Wanting to leave a blank new canvas for Jude’s life. 

After putting that suitcase in your car, you walked back upstairs and started to take your shirts from the hangers. You never realised just how much clothes you had. Any of the shirts or dresses Jude had gifted you, you set them aside in a different pile in a box labelled “do whatever you want” for Jude to decide. You were being petty but you didn't care, you didn't want anything to do with him anymore, all the jewellery and stuff he gave you went into that box, including that damn promise ring…

“Y/n we need to talk…” Jude sighed, he shifted towards you as you sat on the park bench overlooking the small lake. “What's up? Is everything okay?” you ask, your full attention towards him. Jude covered his face, his breathing becoming uneasy as well as his heart. He wanted to avoid it but when you saw his state, the goosebumps appearing, you knew what he was about to do… it was a sign and you felt it.

“I-I-I wanna break up,” he stuttered, avoiding how you stared shocked with wide eyes at him. You let out a small gasp as tears brimmed your eyes, “But why? Have I done something?” you say shaky. You had the urge to reach over and comfort him, wipe his tears away, and reassure him you were here for him, but now you could just stare at him. Stare at his bloodshot eyes, his eyes completely dark and uneasy. 

“You haven't done a single thing, baby, I have to do this… I'm moving away and I just can’t do long distance, knowing that I'm holding you back. I also want to focus on myself and my career, I can’t let this move go to waste, it's a dream and an opportunity…”

Your gaze averted to the white swans in front of you, watching as they cuddled into each other, and swam away. You said nothing, having difficulty processing his words. It seemed like he made up his mind, and you always said you wouldn't hold him back… but now all you wanted to do was fight for your relationship. Fight for him. “Say something…” Jude said, watching intently as your bottom lip trembled. 

You sniffled and wiped your nose and tears away as you stood up. “What’s there to say… you’ve made up your mind. I’ll just go along with it” You smiled and shrugged upset, turning around and beginning to walk away from him. You heard as Jude shuffled around, and jogged towards you. “Wait wait wait, what do you mean? You have to say something, Y/n!”

“No, I don’t. All I can say is I hope it goes well with you Jude, that you have the best season ever in Madrid… And no, you would’ve not held me back… I know what I want, but now it looks like you're not a part of it,” you avoided his pleading eyes. Your gaze returned back to the white swans who now drifted away from each other. “Don't do this Y/n…” Jude begged, grabbing your chin gently, facing you to him where he had tears running down his face.

“Don’t make this harder than it already is, Jude. I’ll miss you but I won’t beg for you to stay, hold you back like you say. I’ll respect your decision…” Jude just stared at the girl who he loves to walk away. Jude cursed at himself, jogging to you because he made a mistake, a regret. But it was too late because you quickly disappeared. 

The first few days were rough, you avoided any light or noise, just staring out at the wall in front of you. But you grew angry at yourself and the world. Jude had left you, and everything inside you felt broken. You couldn't shake away the tears anytime you saw him pop into your head. Jude was a constant reminder he would always be there. 

For Jude it was worse, he showed up to training late, spoke only to his brother and mom who grew concerned, and even lost his spot in the starting eleven for their last game. Jude was devastated and without you there, he couldn't piece his life together. Jude wouldn't sleep, especially now that your sweet scent was gone from his pillow and sheets. If someone had asked Jude if this was where he would have been a year ago he would have laughed at their face.  

Jude had come back from a last meeting with his club, he was exhausted and only wanted to sleep. But he was taken back when he saw the house spotless, and it was strange that Duke didn't greet him at the door. But he smelled that sweet scent again, lingering all over the living room and kitchen, were you here?

Jude tried and tried to contact you, asking how you were or what you were doing, but there wasn't any sign of you. He would just watch your stories when you'd post but it looked like you were always with someone… He was beginning to grow frustrated, why couldn't you respond back to him? 

Jude walked up the stairs, seeing the bedroom door you once shared open. He looked around the room and saw different clothes piled everywhere. “No no, this can’t be happening..” Jude said out loud causing you to get startled. You avoided his gaze and whispered a small ‘shit, fuck’. You weren’t expecting him to come so soon home, or was it that you were here for more than you intended to be? Jude’s eyes directed to you, who was standing there looking effortlessly elegant and beautiful, his Y/n…

“I've set all the clothes and stuff you’ve given me in this box… you can do what you please with them, I don’t want it…” you say in a soft tone, cutting the silence from the room. Jude shook his head, still trying to process everything, “This can't be real… There is no way this is happening right now… This is just a dream right.” Jude paced back and forth, a hand on his forehead as he nervously chuckled.

Why was it so difficult to process what you were doing? Why was the image of you packing causing an ache in his chest? Why did it feel like you were packing away every memory and throwing it away? You were packing your stuff away and Jude knew it would be the last time he saw or heard of you. “Jude… Calm down…” you say, just watching as he sits on the bed in denial. “This day was bound to come… We have to move on, you know?” 

“It’ll be okay Jude-”

“No, it won’t. I can’t move on knowing that I still love you and the fact you're here packing everything away is hurting me, Y/n…” Jude stressed, just wanting to feel your comfort, your hands relaxing his tense body and whispering that you would stay. “Jude you broke up with me. I'm giving you space to figure yourself out but you can’t hold onto hope one day things will change. This is what you wanted, no?” you said, testing the waters. 

Jude went silent, unsure of what to say. He wanted to blurt out to stay, to not leave, that he loves you, but he had trouble doing so. Duke stood and came to your side, going between your legs and sitting, he was protecting you, Duke sensed you were feeling sad and recognized you felt like crying. “No, this wasn't what I wanted… I thought if I did what I did, it would benefit both of us but for me, it isn't… Fuck I can’t even drink my coffee without thinking of you there!”

Jude stood up, his height intimidated you as he towered over you, and you became shy and nervous. “I can’t sleep knowing the pain I caused for both of us or the fact your scent isn't in my sheets anymore… I can’t go and pass by the park we visit because it reminds me of you. I can’t help the fact I lost my best friend and girlfriend at the same time because I thought I was doing the right thing in protecting our hearts… Or it's the fact I refuse to let you go because I love you still.”

“Protect us from what exactly? Jude, I thought we were doing fine! We discussed how our relationship would work once you moved to Madrid. I have a year left of uni, graduating early so I can start my career early because that has always been my plan. You wouldn't hold me back from anything, I knew what I was getting myself into when I started dating you… If you had these doubts we could've talked it out, maybe save ourselves from all this!”

“I was scared you would lose interest and get tired of all the back and forth. Scared you would get unhappy knowing that the long distance would affect us both. I wouldn't know how you felt, and you drifting away, us growing apart, I didn't want that,” Jude insists, his hand connecting with your jaw and running his thumb along your cheek. You leaned into his touch, relishing the feeling, and fluttered your eyes closed, a sense of safety and home. 

“In a relationship, there’s stuff we need to sacrifice to make it work, and I was willing to do that because I love you. I want to see you succeed Jude, after all these years, the hard work, and dedication, you deserve this. Which is why I think it's best if we leave things as it is… We’re so used to and wrapped around each other we-”

“No no no, please-”

“You don't know what you want Jude! You pick and decide and live life as it goes! And I can't put myself through that because look at you now, you first claiming you couldn't do long distance and now saying we could work it out. What if two months in you realise it wasn't what you wanted? Are you becoming unhappy and breaking up once again? I refuse to be put through that, be treated like a test or lab rat just for your self-satisfaction. I also deserve to be happy,” you state, frustrated wiping your tears away and stepping back from him. 

Jude knew you were right, he hated it because it meant that now his biggest nightmare was becoming true. You were done, you were just done, you’d be willing to move on. Jude knew you for who you were, a girl who would listen and observe and not comment, but when you talked you spoke to let the message be clear and heard. So hearing this from you was quite humbling. He didn't know what he wanted, he was confused. 

“You’ll meet new people in Spain, this is just the beginning of something exciting and yet scary. Try it out Jude enjoy it, because this depends on how your future will be, around the people you're surrounded with… You never know, you may just find yourself where you should be… And I will always be here for you like I have, but right now it's better if we just focus on ourselves…” you say frowning, your palms sliding against each other to soothe your nerves. 

Jude just let out a breath and cried, his shoulders shaking and lips trembling which caused you to tear up knowing what you said was hurting him. But in all honestly it was the truth, “Come here,” you said, Jude didn't hold back and wrapped his arms around you, his head hiding in the crook of your neck as he let himself be completely vulnerable, holding you tight so he could relish the moment forever. Duke whined and laid his head on your legs, confused. 

Four months later here you were in England, mostly busy at Uni and an internship you managed to get after getting a referral. Duke and you enjoy walks in the morning and sometimes evening, going to dog parks to clear your head. You hate to say it but the breakup had taken a huge toll on you, you refused to admit it though. It was hard to lose the only person who had been there from day one. 

Jude was thriving in Spain, quickly fitting into the team and contributing to many goals and some assists. Best and youngest player, with many nominees to awards, It looked like he was doing better and happy, but you wouldn't know since your messages became less and less through those four months. You hated feeling a bit angry, jealous, and frustrated because he was doing better than you. 

But that would vanish because, at the end of the day, his happiness was yours as well. Even though you were miles apart, there was always something that brought the two of you together, which was Duke. You relished the good memories with Jude and cried to sleep because it wouldn't happen soon again. But a moment of honesty, you had to move on and not hold onto hope he would come back and chase you.

You learned to live with the fact but it was still hard to process. Maybe in another lifetime, you could have what you did with Jude, but for now, you were okay. It might be hard, but if something is worth fighting for, then it will occur, they just needed and required a huge miracle. You might have lost Jude but it meant you could learn from that and become a stronger person. 

Having been invited to an art gallery and museum, you got ready for the evening. Had the patience to complete a perfect blowout, and do your makeup. You also had the chance to wear your new black dress that fit perfectly for the evening. “How do I look Duke?” his head propped up and barked, which made you giggle. 

You turned to face the mirror for one last look, fixing your necklace, hiding the J initial that was still there, and spraying your favourite perfume. Your doorbell rang, and a few knocks were heard as you approached the door. Unbeknownst to you, Jude was on the other side. You opened the door to reveal him. “Jude!” you gasped, Duke coming to your side and shaking his tail when he saw Jude. Jude’s eyes roamed your body, his mouth slightly agape feeling breathless.

“I was hoping we could talk. Can I come in?”

[buckysgrace]

I both love and hate that Billy won’t admit his true feelings to a girl he cares about. That’s just so canon. I can see him the second he starts having feelings, freaking out in his head and distancing himself. Poor Bills 😫 Maybe that’s why I love fanfic where he has a happy ending. He really deserves one

Idk if you were asking for little blurbs but, that’s what you GET! <3

Ughhhh same same. I think he’s just so…. Fearful perhaps? Really afraid and stubborn to just open up and share what he feels (also also also the fear of being abandoned is soooo strong when he’s with someone he cares about in my opinion).

So then yes he starts distancing himself because it’s easier for him to put up those walls before he gets hurt, but maybe you’re also a little stubborn. Or just oblivious. And despite the fact that he is really trying to get away from you, you just can’t let that happen. <3

I think he’d be pretty strict on you two being “Just friends.” No arguments, he’s too scared to fully talk about labels or that he’d like you enough to consider you to be his partner (he’s crazy about you).

And I think you’d also have to deal with this man staring at you just all the time. He loves eye contact already but he also just loves to memorize how you look?? Definitely has your little quirks down and when you ask him why he’s staring he’s always gonna say you have something on your face lmao.

I think he’s also like reserved about physical touch? Very scared of accidentally hurting you at first and it’s just so uncommon to him that he gets all nervous and his hands get all sweaty and clammy lol. But once he’s over that?? He’s touching you all the time, everywhere and it doesn’t matter who’s around lol.

And so yeah maybe he won’t admit that he’s absolutely whipped and crazy about you but I think you could certainly tell by his gestures? Soft nose kisses, tracing your lips and holding you close any time he can <3

He will definitely refer to you as his pretty girl (or pretty boy whichever you prefer). I think he’d definitely warm up to like baby or babe but calling his person pretty really warms his heart <3

Piggybacking off of that like… he would get so flustered and defensive if you compliment him. Would act like he cannot believe you did such a thing and pshhh, him? Pretty?? Absolutely cannot handle you saying such things about him. He knows he’s attractive but something about you saying it so gently, so sweetly and softly makes his knees weak.

Okay and I think at first too he just… is not the best gift giver. He has not had that practice before so it’s not necessarily sloppy but when he buys you things it would be within the hobby that you enjoy, but more of his style (for instance if you like reading he’s 100% getting you his favorite genre or book). Which is also, sweet but I do think he’s observant enough that after the first few times he truly understand what you like and what you don’t like.

I also think he’s down with restaurant dates and going to the movie theater and what not but I truly believe he loves to do things that are more sensual and deep? He’s definitely a late night, lying under the stars and having deep talks kind of guy. It takes a lot for him to open up but you best believe he has you memorized like the back of his hand.

AND I also think he is just such a gentleman?? Holding the door open for you, holding your hand as you step up a curb, giving you his jacket?? All of those omg.

I think he’d also ask your parents permission to date/marry you and all of that stuff (granted you have a good relationship with him). He just seems like he’d really want to have a good relationship with them too??

I’d also like to think that he just admits his feelings just randomly, maybe not even fully realizing he did it either?? Say you’re sat together on your couch early on a Saturday morning watching cartoons, definitely a little hungover, and he’s just like “You know I love you, right?”

And you’re just so taken aback and this is definitely not the scene that you imagined (neither did he) but it just works. Takes a lot for you to muster the words back because how emotional would that be?? Then he’d just squeeze your knee with a little smile and settle back into comfortable silence 🥺

Idk if any of this made sense but but he’s just my special little guy I luv him very dearly hehe

[apuckishwit]

With a Capital P

Saw this post about Stobin having no boundaries, by @grimmfitzz and oops, my hand slipped.

By all rights, there should be some awkwardness. A little lingering strangeness, an adjustment period, if you will. After all, only a few days ago, he fully thought he had feelings for Robin. Well, obviously he does have feelings for her...but he'd thought they were entirely different than the ones he has.

He's maybe a little more concussed than he'd convinced the paramedics he was. To be fair, they had a lot going on.

The point is, he feels like there should be more weirdness. A time period in which he awkwardly shuffles Robin from a box marked 'possible girlfriend?' to the one marked just 'friend'--the one Tommy and Carol used to occupy before things went so sideways (though he's still too afraid to really examine the spaces those two left, too afraid it'll just confirm that he wasted so much time with people who were never his friends at all). Maybe even slot her into the box he's slowly constructing for the kids...something not quite labeled 'friend' and not quite labeled 'family' and quickly coming to take up the biggest chunk of his battered, lonely heart (oh, wow, yeah...definitely more concussed than he let on).

Turns out, though, that being drugged and tortured together, and then launching an assault on a gigantic flesh beast from another dimension with nothing but fireworks and nerve lets you skip over a lot of the beginning phases of a relationship (romantic or otherwise). Also turns out there's a secret, fourth box he didn't even know about. One that's just marked 'Robin' that he has apparently been just waiting for her to come along and fill.

Robin ends up spending most of the rest of the summer at Steve's house, more often than not. He doesn't know what she tells her parents. Doesn't particularly care. He's always had a weird relationship with parental care and authority, so he's not sure he's really in a position to have an opinion about if Robin is lying to her parents about where she is, or if they don't care that she's hanging out at his place so much.

They spend days abusing the central air, or watching movies they swipe from Family Video, or eating snacks out by the pool (he tells her she's welcome to swim, she notes that he never gets in the water himself and doesn't ask questions...but also doesn't move from his side). At first, he makes up a guest room for her when she spends the night, but after the fourth or fifth time one (or both) of them wake up screaming (goddamn, goddamn, goddamn it, he'd just gotten a handle on the nightmares about impossible creatures bursting from the wall, now he gets new material to deal with?) Robin just groans and collapses onto Steve's bed, burrowing under his blankets with him.

"Your room is hideous," she grumbles, grabbing one of his hands and bringing their joined fingers to rest in the small space between their bodies.

"I know," he shrugs. He squeezes her hand. She squeezes back. He listens to her breaths in the dark, feels the warmth radiating off of her. It's comforting. Grounding. He's not alone. Whatever terrors the night brings for them, they'll face it together.

He wakes up hours later, sunlight streaming into his room and the beautiful girl he'd thought he was falling for snuggled right up against his side, the two of them having moved in the night. It should be the stuff of adolescent fantasies but all he feels is a distant sort of confusion that they actually slept so long. Robin's face is smashed into his shoulder and he realizes he's been drooling into her hair, and the first thing she does when she wakes up is shriek about it.

"Ewww, gross! Seriously?!"

"I didn't do it on purpose!"

"Spit, Steve! My hair is covered in your spit!"

"Well I'm pretty sure this giant booger on my shirt isn't mine, Buckley!"

"Are you accusing me of--oh, wow that is big." Robin starts rubbing at her nose as she stalks into the bathroom and the shower starts running a moment later. He opens the door long enough to toss a clean towel onto the sink and then wanders down to the kitchen to start coffee.

She makes fun of his bedhead when she comes down the stairs, he goggles at the amount of milk and sugar she puts in her coffee. And he never makes up the guest room for her again.

*

"I am telling you, Johnson is trying to kill us with his exams! It's barely October and we've already had three!" Robin stabs angrily at the chicken cutlets in the pan with her fork, holding one up so Steve can see how brown it is on one side. At his nod, she starts flipping them over. She ducks her head without looking when he reaches over her to snag the basil out of the spice cabinet, still stirring the tomato sauce with his free hand.

"Yeah, Johnson's a dick. Glad I'm done with his class for good." He dips the spoon out of the sauce and blows on it for a moment before tasting, then holds the spoon out for Robin to lick the rest of it off.

"Mmm, more red pepper. And I know! You're so lucky. How did you even pass? Cheryl Mackey was crying in the band room after she got her test back, and she's like, straight a student all the way." Robin finishes flipping the chicken and goes back to chopping carrots for their salad.

"Oh, Robert O'Connell--the guy that works down at the Snack n' Go?--he saved all his tests from when he had Johnson a few years ago. Johnson never writes new ones. You give Robert 20 bucks, you can get any of the answer keys."

Robin sets the knife down and reaches into Steve's back pocket, pulling his wallet out. "Couldn't have told me this earlier?" she grouses, yanking two tens out and shoving the wallet back in his pocket.

"Hey, that's my gas money for the week!" He grabs the pot with the noodles off the stove and takes it to the colander waiting in the sink, sticking his ass out expectantly.

"You look like a hooker trying to pick up johns."

"Well give me at least half my gas money back so I don't have to sell my body to drive you and Henderson to school this week."

"Ugh, fine." She grabs his wallet again and stuffs one of the tens back into it. Then winds up one of his dish towels and smacks his rear end hard enough that he jumps about a foot in the air.

He dumps the drained noodles back into the pot and turns around to bring it back to the stove only to find that Robin is right behind him with the pot of sauce, apparently having been bringing it over to the sink. They collide, hard, and Robin screams bloody murder as hot spaghetti sauce gets dumped all down her front.

"Hot, hot, hot, fuck, hot!"

"Shit, hold on!" He all but tosses the pot of noodles back into the sink and snatches the sauce pot out of her hands. As soon as he does she's whipping off her shirt and grabbing the dish towel she hit him with, wiping off the smears of sauce that got onto her arms. "Did it burn you?" he asks, searching her torso for blisters, even though he knows at the back of his mind that the sauce was only on a simmer.

"No...no, I think I'm good. Damn, I liked that shirt, though." She straightens, glaring down at the sauce pot he slammed onto the counter.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

He holds his tongue for approximately zero point three seconds.

"Okay, then can we talk about this whole situation, cause I feel like I just got a major piece of the puzzle of why you don't have a girlfriend, yet. What the hell are you wearing?"

Robin's bra is so faded it's unclear what color it was originally, two large tears right above the elastic band.

Robin looks almost comically offended. "Excuse me? I'm sorry, are you commenting on my very comfortable and perfectly functional underwear?"

"Functional, yeah, if the function is 'never get laid ever'."

Robin crosses over to the doorway that leads to the laundry room. "We can't all exclusively wear Calvin Klein, Harrington!"

"How do you know what underwear I wear?"

"Am I wrong? Also, Jesus Christ do you own any normal shirts?"

"What's wrong with my shirts now? Hey, I'm not taking fashion advice from a girl in a, a grandma bra!"

"Hey!" She steps back out of the laundry room, wearing one of his old basketball team shirts.

They keep bickering back and forth as Steve tries to salvage dinner, eventually ending up just sitting on his kitchen counter dipping pieces of breaded chicken into the remains of the pasta sauce in the pot, having decided they really didn't want to eat spaghetti that had to be fished out of the sink.

"I'm not buying a bunch of frilly, sparkly lace just to wear under my clothes," Robin informs him. "That shit itches."

"Not saying you have to, but at least get something that doesn't look like it came out of the bottom of my gym bag."

"Eww, don't talk about your gym bag while I'm eating!"

*

It is a slow day in Family Video, and Robin has been casting him strangely intense looks since she came on shift. He restocks the shelves, picks through the candy to take home the almost expired shit to give to the kids, and is halfway through the rewinding before it finally gets to him.

"What?!" he demands. Robin blinks at him, immediately shrugging. A little too fast, actually.

"What, what?" she asks. He narrows his eyes at her and she ducks her head, pretending to find her biology textbook extremely interesting. He knows she's pretending because she hates biology. They're making her dissect a frog this quarter. After a few seconds, she slams the book shut and straightens up, determined look settling on her face.

Steve has just enough time to get a little nervous before she says, "How do you do the tongue thing?"

He blinks at her. "Uh...can you be more specific?"

She rolls her eyes. "You know...the thing! The thing with your tongue."

"I promise you, I do not know. What're you talking about?"

She looks around the store, as if some customers that they somehow haven't noticed in the last three hours might suddenly appear. Then she lowers her voice. "Like, sex things. With your tongue." She huffs a frustrated sigh. "They had to combine gym periods today 'cause Mrs. Hornby had to sub for Janson's history class, and Maryanne Greene was talking about how her boyfriend wouldn't go down on her and then Sue Rennet--you remember Sue? Apparently you dated her for, like, two weeks at the end of her Sophomore year--started talking about you and how you used to do that to her and it's the best sex she's ever had."

And oh...okay, he remembers Sue. Nice girl, a little ditzy, but she hadn't wanted to get more serious, and then Nancy had caught his eye. He can't help but puff up a little. Sure, Hawkins isn't exactly a big city overrun with choices, and judging by the talk he remembers from his own locker room days, he's a little bit of an outlier as far as being concerned with making sure his partners are having as good a time as he is...but to be called the best someone has ever had is nice.

"Don't let it go to your head," Robin says, because she can read his mind quite a lot of the time. "Just...tongue thing. You know, in case I ever do get a shot with, literally anyone."

He softens at that, reaches across the counter to ruffle her hair because it annoys her as much as it annoys him when someone does that. "You will," he says softly, and thinks that he would give almost anything, would probably happily trade any shot at happiness for himself if he could make sure Robin had someone to love her the way she deserves to be loved. He grabs one of her school notebooks and tears a sheet out, grabbing a pen out of the cup beside the computer.

"Okay, so, first things first, you can't just dive right in--gotta get the motor warmed up a little first--"

"Please don't talk in car analogies the whole time," Robin says, leaning in as he draws a crude (heh, see what he did there?) sketch of what he's going to be talking about.

"Noted. So what you're gonna do is start with a little massage around this area," he points with the end of the pen, "really take your time, get things nice and slick..."

He talks, Robin listening intently and occasionally asking questions.

"No you don't--flutter your tongue, flutter it. Here, like this..."

"Okay, vibration is good, but you're not, like, trying to blow a raspberry on her clit--"

"I said flutter!"

And that is how Lucas and Dustin find them about forty minutes later: Steve with his mouth held open wide, demonstrating what he means by fluttering his tongue while Robin stares at it like it holds the secrets of the universe, pen in hand as she takes furious notes.

In retrospect, he supposes he should be grateful that Lucas didn't immediately join Dustin on the 'Steve and Robin are totally dating' train.

*

"Shit! Steve! Wake up, it's Wednesday!"

Steve's eyes shoot open and he's vertical before he's fully awake, reaching for the nailbat propped up by his bedside table, but it's not there. It's...his bedside table isn't there either.

What the fuck, where's his bed?

"Steve!" Robin shouts, and he blinks rapidly, his surroundings resolving themselves into his...living room?

"What...Rob, what the hell? You're on winter break! You don't have school today?"

Ugh, why does his mouth taste like something died? He looks around the room, at the piles of dusty boxes that look like they came from...

Oh.

Oh yeah.

He and Robin had spent yesterday dragging the Harrington family Christmas decorations down from the attic because Robin said his house looked like a sad capitalism museum and she refused to spend the holidays in a place that didn't have a single Christmas light up. And then they'd found Steve's grandmother's recipe for homemade eggnog. And he'd maybe experimented a little bit with the liquor ratios...they must have fallen asleep on the couch.

"We don't have school but we both promised Keith we'd open all this week!" Robin shouts.

Oh.

Oh fuck.

They're still dressed in their clothes from yesterday. And they smell like a goddamn distillery. Without thinking about it, he grabs her hand and starts hauling her upstairs. "Shit, shit, shit."

"Fuck, shit, fuck!" she agrees as they rocket into the bathroom. Steve starts the water while Robin yanks clean towels out of the linen closet. "Do you have pants I can wear?" she asks, tossing the towels onto the sink and stripping out of her shirt.

"Yeah, I've got those jeans from, like, three years ago. Those fit you pretty well, right?" He tosses his own jeans and boxers towards the laundry hamper, followed by his shirt, and jumps into the shower, adjusting the temperature hotter than he likes it, because Robin's a weirdo who likes to boil herself in the mornings.

"Good enough!" Robin leaps in after him and they squeeze under the spray just long enough to get hair and body wet before separating somewhat so Robin can start scrubbing herself and he can get started on his hair. "Why didn't you set an alarm?"

"Me? Why didn't you set an alarm? You're the one who wanted to take the shifts!"

"Like you're gonna turn down holiday pay."

"It's Keith! Holiday pay probably means a buy one get one coupon to Pizza World up the highway!" He sticks his head under the water again to rinse his hair out and they switch places.

"Are you saying you wouldn't take a buy one get one coupon to Pizza World?"

"I mean...no?"

They switch places again so that Steve can rinse the soap off his body and then it's a race to get dried off, teeth brushed, dressed, and out to the car so they can get to the store in time. It's only as they are piling out of the BMW in front of Family Video that it seems to occur to them both at the same time what they just did. They both pause, mid-step and turn to each other wide-eyed.

"Huh," Steve says quietly.

"Yeah," Robin answers.

Then they shrug and continue towards the store entrance, making it in with exactly three and a half minutes to spare.

*

"Steve I really think if you're worried about this, you should be talking to a doctor, not me," Robin says, peering at a medical journal she checked out from the library spread out over her lap. "Has it changed color or shape recently?"

"I don't know, maybe? I've got so many moles, it's hard to keep track."

"Any pain or tenderness?" She reaches out and taps his hip so that he turns a little more towards the light cast by her desk lamp.

"No, definitely not. I was just having, you know, private time in the shower and it looked weird to me when I looked down."

Robin hums thoughtfully and pokes at the weird-looking mole on Steve's groin. "I mean, it doesn't look like any of these pictures of bad moles, but if you think it looks different to how it used to, you should probably get it check out regardless."

"Damn it, I was afraid you'd say that," he sighs. She shuts the medical journal and props her chin on one hand as he pulls his pants back up.

"Should I call and make the appointment?"

He huffs and flops back down onto her bed. "Yes please," he grumbles. He never remembers to write down all the appointment details.

"You want me to book something over spring break so I can go with you?"

"Nah, just whatever's available soonest. I'd rather not sit around and stress about it."

It turns out to be nothing to worry about. But three weeks later, Dustin and Max come bursting into Family Video while he and Robin are watching a new report about a brutal murder, and Steve is wishing all he had to stress about was a maybe-weird mole on his dick.

*

It's not like no one was aware that Steve and Robin were...perhaps unusually close friends. It was just never much of an issue (except to Dustin, who was obsessed with the idea of the two of them getting together) before the events of the spring of '86 and after...

Well.

Who cared how weirdly codependent Steve and Robin were when Max and Eddie had nearly died and the Upside Down was bursting up into the real Hawkins? Honestly, if that was the weirdest thing about them after all they've been through, he'd count that pretty lucky.

After everything, though--after they put Vecna/Henry Creel/One/Whatever in the fucking ground, after they do what Steve was beginning to think was impossible and seal the Upside Down away from them forever, after Max is as recovered as she's ever going to be (she's probably never going to be able to get a driver's license even with glasses, and her doctors tell them the leg braces and crutches might have to be permanent, but she's alive...she's alive, she's alive, she's alive), after Robin finally feels safe enough to come out to the group at large, after Steve spends an entire week holed up in his room screaming into his pillow while Robin patted his back consolingly before marching down to Eddie's new (government-funded) trailer and announcing that it turns out he likes both and would Eddie please go on a date with him...

He thinks maybe Eddie didn't quite understand what he was getting into when he agreed almost before Steve was done asking him out.

"Uh...hey guys," Eddie says slowly, taking in the picture he and Robin present in Steve's kitchen. There's a bag of cucumbers, a few eggplants, and several bananas spread out on the island in front of them. Robin has a tape measure and a homemade pamphlet acquired from a very exclusive shop they traveled to Indianapolis to visit last weekend. Steve is holding up two of the cucumbers for comparison. "What's, uh, what's going on here?"

Steve and Robin exchange a look. Then Steve jumps up and snatches the tape measure out of her hands. "Perfect! Here, Eds, lemme measure you." He reaches for Eddie's belt, only to freeze with a look of annoyance when his boyfriend jumps back with a yelp.

"Whoa! Whoa, hey, baby, I have no idea what you're talking about and also Robbie's right there!"

"What? Oh it's fine, Rob and I have seen each other naked plenty of times."

"Ask me about the time we accidentally showered together," Robin pipes up with a grin.

"Wait, no...wait, what? How do you accidentally shower together?" Eddie asks incredulously. Then he shakes his head. "Wait, no! No, not important. Robin has never seen me naked, and I am not whipping my dick out in front of your best friend so you can measure it! And why do you want to measure it?"

"Well I was trying to just guesstimate how big you are," Steve says, gesturing to the array of produce on the island, "but it'll be easier if I can just get the numbers from the source."

"Why do you need exact measurements of my dick?!" Eddie's eyes have gone wide as dinner plates, his voice reaching an octave usually reserved for his female NPC's in his nerd game. Steve huffs.

"Babe, you said you want to fuck me, but like, all these guides say we should work up to it." He jerks a thumb back over his shoulder at the pamphlet that Robin is now helpfully holding up. "So I'm gonna figure out exactly how big you are, and then Rob and I are gonna go up to this shop we found in Indy and get some of these toys. It's supposed to help me get used to things being, you know, up there."

Robin nods seriously.

Eddie looks at him. Looks at Robin. Looks back at him.

Steve has never seen someone look touched and horrified at the same time. Eddie rakes a hand back through his hair and sighs.

"What...what measurements do you need, exactly?"

[gege-wondering-around]

can i just say that Elizabeth and Darcy from Pride and Prejudice are the old school version of Stiles and Derek?

Cause i will shout this from my balcony till it breaks beneath me!

Stiles (Elizabeth or if you want, 'lizzy') not giving a flying f about Derek (Darcy) cause this rich dude has no care for others and just runs on raw pride, which lead all his decisions. Which ultimately makes him look like the worst man on earth to Stiles' eyes, which is why he stays away from Derek.

But then, solitary man Derek will start to fall in love with this intelligent and fine creature (stiles) because he couldn't be more difficult to get!

Stiles doesn't care about society, stiles is sharp and of an intellectual awareness that defy every man in search of the tipycal silly type to ask for marriage, and Derek cannot stress himself enough about this sweet, pretty thing dancing around at balls and answering rudeness with politeness mixed with the most sublime undertone of confidence and assertiveness.

cause stiles doesn't care about money or status, stiles cares about marrying someone he truly loves and when he realized derek did love him, he felt sooooo ashamed of how judgemental he had been of this poor man who just wanted his hand! because derek loved him enough to forgive stiles for his harsh words towards him (cause stiles thought of him as a bad individual and spoke of it to him) from the past and was then a more genuine version of himself.

And as Derek and Stiles tangle their lives together because of friends and family, they end up as the most tight knot that will not be undone! especially after derek hear about stiles' high chin and firm words of 'i may not be engaged to him now, but fear i may will' that he spoke to Derek's aunt when she went to stiles to disagree of their possibile engagement

and what did stiles do?

respond to the rudeness of this lady with the sharpest and most confidence tone of 'we will choose for ourselves' which, when derek heard about this, made him go so out of his path to get stiles.

because they didn't know each other, then they did, and they fell in love. and they weren't going to NOT act on it.

(summary: enemies to lovers. which is now my new obsession- yes, i never invested into enemies to lovers, but now i might do some digging)

I'm gonna write a retelling of this so bad.

imagine.

this kind of pretty stiles (with a sharp tongue and pretty look that defy how his mind actually thinks and hides how much 'intellectual power' he has since, for the time the story it's set in, lizzy is an unusual brave woman who would rather marry the poor guy, love of her life over the rich, cold man with money)

pretty because lizzy is viewed as a very pretty women who is recognized as such in society (which dancy then calls 'the most beautiful women I've even seen in my entire life' after someone says she's not even that pretty)

who's personality can go from this ⬇️

yk, funny, outgoing, polite (sort of) and overall a wonderful presence to have conversations with and engage in sharing opinions and dance with during balls (in which her figure is gracefully dancing and all the other stuff i dont remember)

to this ⬇️

a wonderful undertone of 'f you with respect' and 'who do you think you are', who will also be able to undo you in 30 seconds in a verbal battle cause he has the intelligence and intellectual knowledge to do so and WILL do so without much regards for consequences cause he'll do so in a way that will makes it unable for you to bite back cause you'll end up the one being labeled as rude.

pared with

this angry looking fool, who looks more arrogant than anything most of the day, to most people (and even those who knows him talk very little of his doings, because he hides his true emotions and intentions. and despite pride being his fuel, he's still a caring man who is not talk about much if not for his money = they talk about his fortune and not the values he has, despite the sort of 'contorted' way in which everything is based on pride)

(which could also be older, but who know what I'll end up choosing when i write this - because yes, i love older men ⬇️)

who, ultimately, will look at stiles like this⬇️

because 'damn, you are the only person i want by my side for the rest of my life' and he wont be able to move his gaze elsewhere cause despite being an a-hole to stiles for the major part of theirshared time, he was still able to redeem himself by showing his kindness and actually gets stiles.

while stiles is like

because after pulling up the bad facade of 'i dont give a f about you cause i think you are rude', he felt ashamed when he found he was wrong about him but then darcy (derek) forgives him and he can't hold his feelings anymore and just shows everything through his eyes and the soft laughter he lets out when they talk cause he has still to process how much these two are gonna love each other (this, before they are engaged)

so.

I'll buy the book (cause i read a school fitted version of it), annotate things, write down some coherent line of plot and one day, I'll write everything down.

till then, I'll scream about this from my balcony, thanks for have come to this sort of tedtalk.

and this is for you, my sweet @dontcallpanic, i hope you'll like my little gift as I'm still working, rather slowly, on my replies for you 🩵🫂

[twistedastrology]

- 🪐 my take on Saturn -

spoilers: it's Different 😵‍💫

----------------------------------------------------------

everyone's favorite ringed planet, and in astrology it becomes more like everyone's favorite to hate and misunderstand.

ive been reading a lot of questions on the astrology subreddit today and my mercury seemed to be incredibly stuck in the gravitational pull of saturn as a topic- i saw Multiple takes that i did Not agree with whatsoever and decided to make a post like this to debunk a whole lot of them and give you my take on what Saturn really is in astrology

saturn is most commonly associated with the physical plane of being, the material, money, finances, business, etc, all because it rules an earth sign and saturn, the god, was a god of abundance, wealth and agriculture.

bc of saturn's association with money and the material, capricorn as a sign also got a bad rap for being overly concerned with the material, money, work, and while this isn't a Bad rap, being good at managing finances as well.

if u know my blog well enough by this point, it shouldn't be a surprise that i IMMENSELY disagree with this 😵‍💫😵‍💫

to me, saturn is the first of the outer planets, and jupiter is not the last of the inner planets, jupiter is the bridge between the inner and outer planets.

where jupiter invites us to cross over to and be made aware of the higher realms of existence, saturn is the first step into those same higher realms.

jupiter is the beckoning, saturn is the answering.

as such, saturn represents ultimately the dissolution of our egos, but in this lifetime, the balance between the two.

that seems like a huge jump from what it's traditionally associated with right? well let's look at the sciency stuff real quick.

saturn's rings are an incredible phenomenon, they require just enough gravitational pull from the planet to hold them in place, and they need to be far enough away in order for the planet not to suck them in completely.

but ultimately this is a losing battle, saturn's rings will eventually dissipate within about 100 million years saturn will go bald 💔

the rings are a perfect representation of balance, and their inevitable fate is a perfect representation of what will eventually and always end.

you cannot always have balance, saturn is perfectly aware of this, but you have to have balance for as long as you must.

you have to balance your ego with your soul for as long as you live, and then when you return to the nothing, your ego will completely dissolve.

this is what saturn is.

saturn is about inevitable transcendance.

the ego is a purely human concept, but it still manages to be sorely misunderstood.

your ego is not you, it's your titles, your labels, what you are to other people, etc. the ego is saying "I am a mother", "I am a CEO", "I work for [thing]", "I do [thing]", "I am a husband", etc.

your ego is what you can offer to other people.

your Soul doesn't care about any of that, your soul says "I am me", "I am a person", that's it. your soul is you, your ego is essentially your human identity.

saturn reminds us that none of us are people, none of us are CEOs or mothers or anything, we are all spiritual beings undergoing a physical experience. but it doesn't rip us away from that physical experience, it just encourages the awareness that there's more to it than what we can see.

this is why saturn demands balance.

we have to be aware that we are not our bodies, we are not our statuses, we have to be aware that we are beings of pure energy, constantly learning what it means to be alive in as many different formats as possible.

but we can't let that awareness detach us completely from what we're experiencing, because then we won't learn the lessons we signed up for.

what's ironic is that the planet all about dissolution of the ego is the same planet that got a very egoic interpretation. we said saturn is the material, the physical plane of being, money, status, etc, those are all extremely grounded concepts in the sense that they're all human-made. they're all made for the ego.

since saturn is so about dissolution of the ego, this also ties into the fact that, to me, saturn rules over drive and the willpower.

saturn is driven and motivated to hell and back to evolve, this is why capricorns are so often painted as ambitious. they're ambitious, absolutely, but only toward evolution into their highest self.

this is gonna sound like an oxymoron but i honestly believe saturn is exalted in aries instead of libra.

saturn's motto (to me) is "I define who I become", right, think about it- Aries' mantra is literally "I am."

aries seeks the self, it defines itself to know what it is and what it isn't- that's exactly what saturn does.

saturn also therefore is accidentally exalted in the 1st house and feels very comfortable in fire signs.

take me for example- my saturn is in leo in my 1st house and my midheaven is in aries (10th house is saturn's domicile), so my saturn is in trine with the house of its rulership that's in its exaltation (to me) and it's in the house of its exaltation too (1st house has an aries connotation).

the last few months i have actually been going through a HUGE saturn lesson and it dragged my chiron in with it too, and it's been fucking Rough. last night i felt the worst i have felt in years, feeling like i just wanted to give up on life.

today, i am back on my bullshit like nothing ever happened because my saturn in 1st house makes me REFUSE to give up no matter how much life hurts. i have literally fuck it we ball-ed myself out of this shit.

im still working through the lesson, but it was an extremely saturn in leo 1st house lesson.

i forgot how to be comfortable being alone and then when i got comfortable again, i got scared of people ruining it, and im Still scared of people ruining it because i feel like i have no space in my life for anyone else right now.

and before this, i felt like i had no space for myself in my life.

saturn's lessons can be extremely painful, yes, but they're not malefic in any way. they're literally there for us to achieve balance and evolve into what we need to be before we inevitably die and lose our egos completely.

it's a balancing act now, but it'll be a funeral later, for your body and your ego.

ANYWAY- im gonna leave you with some links to further reading and stuff if you're at all interested in more abt this kinda topic-

i just wanted to yap abt this for a minute bc i thought it was rly interesting- that's abt it. see ya 😵‍💫

- links for further info :) -

what ego really is ("Why Most Men Feel Broken & Lonely - Dr K HealthyGamer - Chris Williamson" timestamp: 1:54:54)

more on this take of saturn ("The Drive of Saturn, Part 1 - Mel Flagg")

saturn & unwavering resolve ("The Power of Saturn - Sam Flagg" that's me!!)

jupiter being the bridge planet ("Jupiter's Unseen Significance - Sam Flagg")

link to a comment i made abt saturn on reddit that inspired this whole post ("What drives Capricorn?" on reddit)

[zarekthelordofthefries]

BG3 Companion Sexuality Headcanons

Astarion: Pansexual. Has a slight preference for men. Has a complicated relationship with feelings of attraction and connection, so doesn't usually like thinking about his own sexual identity. Thinks Wyll is the hottest other party member.

Lae'zel: Pansexual, kind of. Doesn't really relate to sex and gender in the same way as the Faerunian companions. Githyanki socially de-emphasize romance, and all sex is generally for pleasure since Vlaakith decides who bears eggs. Lae'zel is alloromantic, but romance isn't generally at the front of her mind in a relationship. Neither is gender; ultimately Lae'zel is attracted to conviction and fighting prowess, moreso even than anything physical.

Shadowheart: Bisexual. Very slight preference for men. (EDIT: I've rotated this in my mind after people pointed it out and I think actually Shadowheart has a slight preference for women.) Remained closeted into adulthood, not because the other Sharrans would discriminate against her (they generally don't care about sexuality) but because she wanted to impress everyone with how well she could keep the secret. Also, excessively kinky.

Gale: Bisexual. Has more experience with women than with men, but that has more to do with circumstances than preference. Though physical appearance isn't not a factor, he would probably describe himself as a sapiosexual; he's attracted to knowledge, intellectual curiosity, and strong opinions. Had crushes on several teachers in wizard school.

Wyll: Bisexual. Realized he wasn't just attracted to women at a young age, and his father was very supportive. No preference between genders, but one of his favorite things to do is court gentlemen exactly the same way he courts ladies; he likes being the devoted chivalric prince to men since he knows it's less common for them to be flattered and told they're beautiful.

Karlach: Pansexual. Years of being unable to make genuine connections with anyone have made her horny for affection, kindness, and commitment. Maybe had some gender preference before going to Hell, but her time there has given her lots of time to consider basically any options. Has at least a slight crush on basically every other party member.

Halsin: Pansexual. No gender preference. Halsin has had centuries to explore his sexuality, and his robust understanding of nature gives him a non-binary perspective on gender and sex. Nothing is a casual fling for this dude, though -- if you show the slightest bit of interest in him he will dedicate his whole heart to you. And also anyone else who shows interest in him at the same time.

Minthara: I didn't actually have Minthara in my party, but from what I've seen she seems like a pretty traditional drow, and when I think of drow and sexuality I sort of imagine a reverse of ancient Greek customs; bisexuality is the norm, men are prized for their beauty and for marriagibility, but it's expected that women will also have flings with other women, and those relationships are often considered more meaningful. I imagine Minthara follows those lines, being bisexual and assuming she may one day marry a beautiful man but being more inclined to meaningful, affectionate relationships with women, due to her own prejudices moreso than preference between genders.

Jaheira: Thought she was straight for the first century of her life, but has more recently opened up to other possibilities. Isn't particularly interested in marriage or a deep interpersonal romance at this point in her life, but she has entered a state of questioning her sexuality -- she's just not super interested in experimenting with actual relationships. She's got more important stuff to do. Did have a fling with Ninefingers that neither of them tell anyone about.

Minsc: Doesn't like labels. Minsc isn't interested in finding a partner, doesn't really care about sex, and is enthusiastic about romance mainly when other people do it. He hasn't given a lot of thought to where he might fall on any sexual/romantic spectrum, but he definitely sees beauty in all of his friends. He will give you the most heartfelt and often embarassing compliments on your personality, style, and appearance. Does that mean he's attracted to you? Maybe, maybe not, but there's definitely something queerplatonic going on.

[rayday-mayday]

I know this will probably be a pretty niche acceptance/positivity post, but for for the people who are minorities and fetishize/sexualize that part of themselves: You aren't a "bad example" for doing so.

Being a minority can be really traumatizing, and the trauma and abuse we endure can often go overlooked or be minimized. It isn't wrong for you to react to that trauma in a way where you attempt to take control back of your identity, even if that control takes the form of a sexual coping mechanism.

Personally, me being misgendered for 4 to 5 years fucked with my head a lot, and while that doesn't sound "that bad" to most since they've never endured that type of pain, it basically meant the people around me was ignoring and denying me my identity for pretty much my entire teen life which were already fucked over by other factors.

While I won't go into too much detail, all those years of having such an integral part of me denied ( especially during such formative years of my life ) lead to me developing a forced feminization kink as a trans man.

At times it can trigger my dysphoria, I have to be careful participating in it, and do my best to not oversexualize myself too much, but either way, I'm not bad for that happening to me nor am I bad for having the kink. Similarly, you're also not bad for it, no matter what your story looks like, nor how your kink manifested.

Even without any explicit trauma like that, being a minority that's just existing can be inherently traumatizing and scary as fuck. I mean, why wouldn't it be when the world around you is hostile towards you, be it overtly or covertly, simply for existing?

While I know you can also be into this type of stuff without having trauma like this, ( which is also just as valid, ) I've just never see anyone talk about this type of stuff in the sense of it developing from trauma, so I wanted to make a post like this in case anyone out there can relate and needs to hear this.

Cuz if I'm completely honest? It's kinda lonely and isolating to go through this type of stuff, due to how taboo it is to fx. be a trans person that fetishizes themselves. People can make you feel shameful for developing a kink like this, or for simply fetishizing yourself at all, since it can make those mentioned people label you as a "bad [insert whatever minority here]"

Just remember to pace yourself, know your limits before it starts to harm your mental health, and remember that at the end of the day you're more than just a sexual object; you're a person that deserves respect, love, and acceptance.

Even if you can't do any of those things just yet for whatever reasons, I'm sure you can work towards partaking in the kink you have in a healthy way eventually. I believe in you.

[55sturn]

✮ WISH YOU’D LET ME STAY

pairing: fwb!matt sturniolo x fem!reader

synopsis: in which matt and y/n have a complicated relationship, they label it friends with benefits, but deep down they both know it’s much more than that.

warnings: swearing, partying, mentions of alcohol + drugs, alcohol + drug consumption, mentions & allusions to smut, possessive!matt, jealous!reader, jealous!matt, verbal arguments, mentions of physical fights & injuries [descriptions of blood].

THIRD PERSON POV

the first thing anyone will tell you when considering a friends with benefits situation, is to not pursue it with a close friend. the second thing they tell you, don’t enter any emotional territory. do not get to know the person outside of what they like in the bedroom. that’s why people opt for an acquaintance that they are comfortable with but don’t have a tight-knit bond with. if you decide to pick up a friends with benefits situation with someone you’re comfortable with but don’t know much about, you don’t end up seeing them as someone more than who you’re having sex with, you don’t start to feel guilty when the inevitable happens.

what is the inevitable you ask?

someone is bound to catch feelings.

sex is rather intimate, for the most part. you see someone in their most vulnerable, most bare state. and it’s rare for someone to be vulnerable nowadays, to see someone bare their entire being is incredibly special.

so to pursue that with a close friend, it’s dangerous. because the intimacy of the bond changes, slowly but surely it begins to manifest into something more than just sex. it becomes more than just two people using each other to get off. it becomes something special, where you learn more than just surface level stuff about your best friend. you do not only get to be there for them and make them feel good emotionally, you get to do it physically.

and that is what slowly morphs the reality of what you’re doing.

so when matt and y/n decided to take up a friends with benefits situation, they ignored the warnings from those they confided in. they were adamant that they weren’t going to let it ruin the friendship. they were so sure it wasn’t going to be another cliche that is seen in movies that they had even said the infamous last words.

“if things get to be too much, we stop and stay friends. we’re not gonna let this wreck the friendship we have.”

and they wholeheartedly believed themselves for the first four weeks after their initial agreement. they had been hooking up almost daily without spending too much time with one another once they had both cum, but silently, over time, things became much more difficult. feelings started to arise and were getting harder and harder to ignore they longer they spent in each other’s beds after many hours of exploring each others bodies with their hands, eyes, and mouths.

matt knew from the get-go that partaking in this type of relationship with y/n was going to end badly, given the fact that he’s secretly harboured feelings for the girl since middle school. he figured if he couldn’t be her boyfriend, he could at least be the person she turned to when she was insatiably horny.

and y/n knew she was emotionally fucked from the last time they hooked up. it was the first time she had genuinely kissed matt for the sole reason of just wanting to feel him close. she normally kissed him because she wanted to get to the point of them being locked away in some room. but that fourth hook up had changed things for her.

it didn’t help that hooking up had changed the way they hung out with each other. from careful and safe physical interaction came pointed, comfortable teasing and flirting. they figured that physical affection shown in the same way couples would show it, was acceptable given the fact that they were fucking on the low.

it also didn’t help that matt would say the sweetest things to her during and after sex, his words would have her heart swelling and melting, and the pet names he used would have her feeling like a schoolgirl sitting beside her crush. and the fact that y/n would always have a change of clothes laid out for matt to change into after sex and showering so that he could feel comfortable, and the fact that she always made sure to bring him water and food after they cleaned made him feel butterflies swirling in the pit of his stomach. he knew that y/n’s main love language was acts of service, so for her to show that to him considering she didn’t show it to people she wasn’t extremely comfortable or close with, had him questioning if maybe his feelings weren’t unreciprocated.

FLASHBACK

y/n smiled at matt as made his way into her apartment after she buzzed him up. the two of them had hooked up earlier that day but matt was bored out of his mind at home alone after chris and nick had gone to some random ass party. so he shot y/n a quick text that read “buzz me up in 15.” and she happily obliged.

“hey, need your dick sucked again?” she laughed as she made her way to her couch, tucking her legs beneath her body as she sat down. if she had known matt was coming back over, she would’ve put more effort into her outfit. she definitely wouldn’t have worn a ratty college t-shirt that she had bought from urban outfitters and something prettier than a plain black thong.

“nah, nick and chris went out and i didn’t feel like going to a party so i decided i’d come over.”

“i just figured you needed something, yknow, sexual.” she teased as she tossed him the remote, letting him pick the show to movie for the night.

“that’s not the only reason i come over, y’know.”

“i know, it’s just been the only reason we’ve seen each other lately.”

“i know and i feel like a douche about it.”

“nah it’s okay matt, i promise.”

the two fell into a comfortable silence, the only sounds being the tv that played the office and their occasional laughs as they quoted the show. the two had gradually gotten physically closer as the night progressed, ending with y/n sitting with her head on matt’s chest as they watched tv. but eventually, matt had to leave after chris called him about fifteen times, both he and nick completely shitfaced, and they need a ride home.

so when matt solemnly got up to leave, she did as well so she could walk him to the door, what happened next left them both questioning their feelings for the first time.

“okay text me when you get home so i know you made it.”

“of course pretty girl, can’t have you spending all your time worrying.” matt laughed as he slipped into his shoes. y/n rolled her eyes and leaned up, pressing a quick kiss to matt’s lips, pulling away before he could reciprocate it.

“fuck i’m sorry.”

“it’s okay but i should go.” matt spoke quickly, briskly turning to the door and walking out, letting it shut softly before standing outside her door, his chest rising and falling quite quickly as he processed what happened.

he knew it wasn’t rare for them to kiss but what was rare was them kissing without it leading to sex.

the two slowly began to pull away, spending more time lost in their own minds instead of lost between each other’s sheets.

FLASHBACK OVER

as y/n made her way through the crowds of people littered around the rented out mansion, she sighed sadly. she had been looking for her favourite triplets, needing to get drunk with nick for the first time in months but she hadn’t been able to find them. nick said that they were planning on showing up, and if they were there, they had done a good job of not wanting to be spotted. however she figured matt was the reason behind that.

ever since their accidental kiss, matt hadn’t reached out to her asking her to come over to his place or asking if he could go over to hers. it had been completely silent between the two of them.

y/n had felt like she’d appear clingy or desperate if she texted him first, and matt felt like he’d come off as a complete douchebag if he asked to fuck after their accidental kiss, so he settled for using his own hand and her pictures.

y/n had tried getting off on her own but it was to no avail each time, and she didn’t really like the idea of reaching out after kissing him unexpectedly so she suffered in silence. but tonight, she decided she was going to go home with someone new, she was sexually blocked and she needed to forget about matt for a little while. she figured that the radio silence between them meant that their little situation was over.

as if on cue, she felt someone tap her shoulder, turning she was met with the most gorgeous brown eyes she’s ever seen.

“hey i’m jake, i noticed you earlier and i’ve been working up the courage to talk to you because i think you’re the prettiest girl here.” he smiled, his cheeks were dusted a deep pink as he shyly met her eyes.

“i’m y/n, and thank you.” she giggled, sticking out her hand for him to shake. the two spent a few minutes talking, getting to briefly know each other before one of her favourite songs came on.

“wanna dance with me? please? i love this song!”

“how can i say no when you asked so nicely.” jake flirted, making y/n giggle and roll her eyes as she dragged him to the middle of the makeshift dance floor. she pressed her back against his chest, slowly grinding and swaying her hips against, letting the tension and friction slowly build as his hands roamed her sides. she leaned her head back against his shoulder, turning to face him, pressing her lips against his. the two of them losing themselves in a heated make-out, unaware of the eyes burning holes into the side of jake’s head.

matt watched the scene unfold with a disgruntled expression, his eyes narrowing as y/n pulled away from the random guy, wiping her lip with her thumb. matt felt his anger build as she turned to fully face him, leaning back in to kiss him again, and before matt knew it, he was charging to the unsuspecting pair.

without a moment’s hesitation, matt ripped jake off of her, whipping the stranger around to face him as he pulled back his fist, letting it fly forward with as much power as he could muster. jake dropped to floor in a crumpled heap as matt loomed over him, ready to keep punching until the guy was nothing but a bloody mess but y/n’s hand wrapping around his bicep, her nails digging into his exposed flesh had him stopping. however jake had other plans as he stood up, cocking back his fist and swinging, clipping matt in the jaw hard enough to make matt bite his tongue which drew blood.

matt was quick to rip his arm out of y/n’s grip, quickly delivering blow and blow to jake’s abdomen, making the six foot something guy quickly double over, giving matt the opportunity to punch him square in the nose, which left jake curled up on the floor.

“you better stay the fuck away from her, you hear me?” matt seethed, spitting out blood on the floor beside jake’s curled up body.

matt’/ chest slowly starts heaving as y/n tears him away from the crowd, toward the deck. as they stand outside, away from prying ears, y/n paces slowly, her face in her hands as she shakes her head. looking up at matt, a blank expression covers her face.

“matt what the actual fuck is wrong with you? what was that?” she spits, unable to wrap her head around matt’s behaviour.

“i didn’t like seeing him all over you like that.”

“why?“

“because you’re mine!”

“excuse me? you’re the one that ghosted me out of fucking nowhere because i fucking kissed you! it wasn’t the first time we’ve kissed so i don’t understand why you pulled away matt.” she replies, a dry and bitter laugh following.

“so me ignoring you for a couple days gives you the right to throw yourself at anything with a dick?” matt spits out, rolling his eyes at her reaction.

“what the fuck is your problem?” she scoffs, her chest heaving slowly as she steps toward him, getting ready to slap the smug look off his face.

“you are! you fucking kissed me. you made me fall in love with you. you have taken over every single fucking inch of my brain, of my fucking room, of my entire life! you are everywhere and i can’t fucking breathe without smelling your perfume on my sheets, on my clothes, everywhere in my fucking room. you are lingering everywhere in my life and i’m so sick of it because i am so fucking helplessly in love with you and i have been since we were in middle school. and i thought that being fuck buddies would help that feeling go away. i thought that if i had even a little bit of you, i would see what it’s like and i would be able to move on. but it didn’t work, it made me go absolutely fucking crazy over you, y/n because i don’t know what you feel, so that’s my problem. you are my fucking problem.” matt yells, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he realizes he just confessed his love for her.

“you’re such a fucking idiot, matt.” she rolls her eyes, roughly gripping the collar of his muscle shirt, yanking him towards her and pressing her lips against his. his hands immediately find her waist and he tugs her impossibly close as he hands move up to either side of his neck.

“i love you matt, you dumbass, i have for years.”

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[4dkellysworld]

hii how is your "journey " going? i would like the hear about your practice

Hey, I think it's going great! I feel really quite pleased with the present moment. Hmm in terms of practice, I prefer to see it as a way of being/living rather than practice as practice often comes with the view of being the doer practicing and often there's expectations of outcomes/results attached to it (although I had to start these off viewing it as a practice first until it became natural).

These are some of the things I do my best to practice/embody every moment of every day (not everything all at once but based on what feels right for each moment but overall they're things that I practice):

Being present and aware in the here and now without identifying as the doer

During moments where resistance/negativity/limitation come up and it can be a lot, I just allow myself to be still and let everything be. Then I do some sort of variant of this "exercise" I described in the second half of the response based on what feels right and appropriate in the moment

Always being aware of my state of being/consciousness and making it a priority to "manage" it (which includes 1. investigating and dropping any thoughts of limitation, lack or negativity that come up from daily life and recognizing that it is not me 2. choosing to see/feel/know what I prefer to see/feel/know myself, others and the world regardless of appearances and not allowing myself to feel limited to what is perceived by the senses including my own thoughts and perceptions of 'the past'. So for me, my preference is seeing these in everything: freedom, harmony, peace, love, kindness, abundance, wholeness, fulfillment. All that good stuff. I've dropped most attachments/desires of wanting those feelings to be fulfilled externally through symbols and I enjoy just being in the state of being with those essences)

Being patient, accepting, understanding, compassionate, non-judgmental and loving of myself as well as others (which includes seeing "others" as just different forms of myself). This also means allowing everything to be as it is in the world with acceptance and without caring to change it or feeling bothered by it. If I feel bothered by something, I recognize that it's a reflection of my own consciousness and if it feels right, I'll do what I mentioned in the above point to drop whatever underlying thoughts of limitation there are. Then I continue to see what I prefer without feeling the need to physically do anything about it. If I feel spontaneously inspired to do something, I'll take action though

Challenging myself to do things that I feel resistant, averse, fearful and/or limited in order to "break out of the matrix" (which is just the mind's own limiting programming lol). E.g. feel afraid of offending/hurting someone just by speaking up so you don't want to speak your truth even though you really do want to? Do it anyway cos unless you do something about those limiting beliefs/programs, they'll keep directing your life until you do - you get to decide when that stops. Recognize you can still act with love and speak your truth with tact.

Not labelling/defining/judging anything including my own thoughts, feelings as well as how things are or how things happen. If I do, I catch myself then let go of the labels/definitions/judgments.

Choosing to be free from expectations and focusing on being present and enjoying it

Minimizing my consumption of information and being discerning & mindful of what I do. Neither believing nor disbelieving anything I read or hear (including my own thoughts that pop up!), recognizing it's all subjective and I can choose to change my mind about anything whenever I want.

Trusting my Self above all and "doing" what feels right for each moment by allowing Self to lead the way

Things that naturally happened so far as a result of practicing (I won't talk about any manifestations but more the inner changes):

Peace! Lightness of being. It's amazing. The more you drop, the lighter and more spacious you feel. Just keep dropping everything :D

Acceptance, connection and love for my Self. When I started, there was a lot of judging myself and comparing myself to other people's experiences and progress (it's just all ego trying its best to do what it thinks is right) but now I'm just allowing and loving my own experience and presence, happy to just be and trusting that all is well. I don't see anyone as better than the other, ultimately we are all One.

My capacity to give, feel, be and accept love. It feels like several lifetimes ago now when I think back to the time before I started, I don't even identify with that person anymore but she used to feel a lot of lack when it came to love and seeing love in the world used to trigger her a lot, especially with jealousy but now I love seeing love in the world, like yes this is the world I prefer, where everyone is loving and kind to each other.

No longer feeling like I need to fit into other people's experiences on this path in order to feel validated as having 'progressed' enough. No longer feeling inferior (or superior!) to others. Being patient with myself (and others!) and accepting everything is perfect as it is, everyone's 'journey' is going to look a bit different and there's no one-size-fits-all in terms of approach or experiences.

Being "kind" and more selfless - old pre-ND Kelly was a bit of a people pleaser and liked to do kind things to be perceived as kind and nice but now I just do things just because and then when people say 'oh that's so kind of you!' I'm like oh really? Never thought that, all I did was consider things from their shoes and wanted them to benefit too. I guess being seen as 'kind' naturally happens when you see everyone as yourself, you want everyone to be well and happy (I guess also cos I stopped labelling and defining things in general)

Greater imperturbability and stillness within - there are things that would have really bothered past Kelly that genuinely now don't affect me mentally/emotionally in any way and when I recognize that, there's a bit of a 'hey that's cool'. That's real freedom and peace, to not be affected by externals and being able to remain centred in your own beingness.

I'm more 'forgiving' and I can let go of things a lot quicker and a lot more easily (in comparison to the past) even with things that can feel quite difficult

A naturally quiet and still mind!! I used to not like meditation but now it's the greatest thing.

Less and less thoughts and feelings of negativity, lack and limitation. More and more joy, love, gratitude, open spaciousness, peace and freedom.

Don't feel the desire or need to argue with other people, I don't need to prove myself in any way, they can think what they want.

I don't know if it's a downside (lol) but many of the things that past Kelly enjoyed for entertainment are no longer enjoyable to me. E.g. like reading about celebs, watching shows that don't have any deep messages or spirituality in them, even like tarot readings used to be for fun and nothing serious but they're not even fun anymore. Oh well lol

It's easier to observe things more objectively when thoughts come up and recognize them as limitations rather than spiral into a loop and get caught up in identifying with the narrative or thought train

It's possible I missed some things but that's all I can think of atm. I didn't focus on results and then reverse engineer what sort of practices I needed to have in order to get there, it was more picking what felt right for me then just doing them from the heart with sincerity and then changes happened on their own. I guess it's like when someone starts eating healthier and exercises out of enjoyment rather than focused on weight loss, they may eventually find they suddenly have a slimmer and healthier body, it was kinda like that when you enjoy the present moment. Like one day I just found the changes had happened and it feels like it's a daily thing where in a way, every moment of every day "you" (the concept/identity/ego, not the true changeless you) are dying and being reborn with every choice you make, every thought you choose to accept or let go of - it's all in the mind. Every moment is a new moment and you don't have to be limited to what you perceive as 'the past'.

But ultimately, I don't think of taking credit for any changes that happened to me. I feel like it was initiated by sincerity but the changes happened on their own because I got ego out of the way (through those practices) and allowed Self to shine through. (This is a realization I just had now while writing all this so thank you for asking! I don't really reflect much on my 'progress' so this has been nice lol)