#also so many people dont experience romantic love ever!! they dont want to!! but everyone has friends everyone needs friends

[jakejeffreyperalta]

actually one of my favourite things about heartstopper is that even though it's literally about a romantic relationship, there is such a heavy emphasis on platonic relationships in both the comics and show. like, realistically, most teenagers only have platonic relationships, and seeing friendship being portrayed with the same importance as romance is so validating. i really like how much of the show focuses on different types of love that exist (romantic, platonic, self).

[cosmicpoutine]

leaving a lil rant here :]

I love Tim and his ships sm. Me personally, I only really ship TimKon. Those two are perfect for eachother and have so much clear queer coding that it’s crazy, and they have dialogue that’s just. gay shaped.

I also get TimBart, I don’t ship it romantically but I get why people do!! Tim and Bart are close as well, and the balance they get between ‘depressed tired wet cat’ and ‘living breathing embodiment of adhd’ is great.

I also get TimBartKon, they’re a trio. They are always a trio, so many people like to bring up how TimKon has so much coding and one of the big examples they use is when Tim tried to clone Kon. You know who else he tried to clone? Bart.

The only Tim ship I don’t get is TimBern, or any ship involving those two. When Bernard first appears, he’s Tim’s bully. He actively makes fun of tim and puts him down and then that character is forgotten about until Tim comes out as bi, then they just rework his character and go “haha guys this is his boyfriend not bully ygs are crazy” and just forget about all the bad stuff Bernard did? Reworking a character is great and all but, it just feels a bit weird and out of place for me. There’s always going to be that certain toxicity for TimBern, at least for me.

homie... bully??? im flabbergasted- im speechless- im jason todd (dead)

okay, im gonna start off by saying you have all the right to not ship them, and im not here to defend timbern as a ship. im here to defend BERNARD DOWD.

first thing bernard does is give tim advice about teachers, and he clearly says they're gonna be good friends.

if bernard was a bully, tim wouldn't hang around him so much. besides, i hate it when people place tim as a helpless little boy who would get bullied. he has put himself in situations where he looks weak on purpose to keep his identity safe, but he's not a victim at all. tim is a social butterfly because he's really good at masking and reading people.

not to mention, both bernard and darla push tim a lot because they're trying to get him to open up and be closer to them, but he keeps pushing them away. tim is a professional liar.

and when tim has to quit robin and start hanging out with normal people, he invites bernard over.

and bernard is acting relatively normal, and he wants to play video games and talk about how hot tim's stepmom is.

bernard is a normal teenager who has no idea one of his friends is the hero he's so obsessed with. he even shows concern for robin dying and makes up an entire conspiracy theory about batman havin a robin orphanage. you can tell he's afraid of robin being gone for real because at this point they haven't seen robin in months bc tim retired.

i dont know what about all of these interactions gave you the vibe that he's a bully because all i see is a normal teenager teasing his friends and being jealous tim gets more bitches.

im not saying that bernard was never mean or weird around tim, but he definitely wasn't actively bullying tim.

bernard is obnoxious and cocky, yes. but thats just because they wrote him as a real person. he's the school's chameleon, maybe even a little bit of a loser, too. he knows everyone but keeps a safe distance so that he doesn't get pushed into a box. im not sure if, at this point, he was already in a cult or being indoctrinated, but when we see his parents and the dowd home in tim drake: robin that just doesn't look right.

also homie talk about "forgetting all the bad things bernard did" (which in my opinion is none but okay lets follow that logic) everyone forget about all the bad things batman did to tim, he was not a kind and loving mentor, he was cruel to both tim and steph. we forget that batman was kind of an asshole to damien in the beginning. all those things are forgotten for the sake of the batfam.

in conclusion: we're just so used to the idea that superheroes can only ever form strong friendship bonds by having near death experiences together that we forget that the secret identifies exist and that the people who know them by their legal name also means a lot to them. after all, these people are the reason why they're heroes.

[hardstraykidshours]

ready

pairing: chan x virgin afab!reader

genre: smut, fluff, 18+ (minors dni)

summary: you're nervous about your first time with chan, but he makes it comfortable for both of you.

length: 3.2k

warnings: profanity, talk of insecurities (multiple kinds of insecurities), sexual/suggestive content, softdom/experienced!chan (literally the softest, also implied pleasure dom!chan), virgin!reader, fingering (f. receiving), oral sex (f. receiving), unprotected sex (please wrap before you tap), praise, pet names ("baby girl"), implied blow job, afab reader, nsfw 18+ (minors dni)

your lack of romantic and sexual experience has always been a big insecurity for you, having never even been on so much as one date. for the entirety of your adult life thus far, all of your friends were either dating, married, or at least had sex at one point or another. obviously you understand that how many partners you’d had either romantically or sexually wasn’t important. it didn’t make you any less of a person and you knew that no matter what age you are, no should ever feel like they’re “falling behind” for not having experienced these things.

with that being said, you wanted to experience these things, so it was always incredibly disheartening seeing everyone else get to experience them but never you. you would go out to bars with friends, watching them get hit on while you stand idly by. not that you ever want to be hit on by some gross, sleazy guy, but the fact that even those gross, sleazy guys didn’t want to talk to you made you think there was something seriously wrong with you. you were slowly coming to terms with the fact that you might just be single forever.

sure, you have lots of people in your life who love you and care about you, but platonic relationships are very different from romantic relationships. and yeah, vibrators and sex toys get the job done and feel amazing, but its not the same as the real thing. “dating is overrated anyways,” “you’re not missing anything,” “why dont you just put yourself out there a little more?” is what people always say. you know their intentions are good, but they don’t help all that much. you’re already a very introverted person, but the lack of people expressing any attraction to you during your very formative years made you incredibly self conscious, fearing rejection before a move has even been made. so “putting yourself out there” was never exactly an option in your mind. even if you did put yourself out there, if you went to have sex, you were nervous the guy would be wildly unimpressed, especially if he found out about your total lack of intimate experience.

but your world turned completely upside down when you met chan.

you had gone out for some drinks with friends one night. they all decided to go to the dancefloor, but you hadn’t finished your drink, so you hung back at the bar. all of the sudden, the most attractive man you had ever seen sat down next to you. he struck up a conversation, and the rest is history.

you could never bring yourself to tell chan about your lack of dating history. he is the nicest, sweetest, most caring guy you have ever met, but you always get in your head and think he’ll find it strange that you had never been with anyone prior to him at your age. thankfully, he never seemed to mind when it was painfully obvious you had never done anything before. he paid no mind to the way you fumbled through your first kiss, and he gladly came up with the new conversation topics when you first started dating (you’re not very good at small talk). he’s been your first for everything and never seems bothered when its clear that you have no idea what you’re doing.

there was one area, however, where he has yet to be your first in. obviously you want to have sex with chan, and you both know that neither of you want to wait for any reason. still, every time a situation looks like it might be heading down that route, you find a way to stop it. you’re afraid that his experience with you won’t be enjoyable for him since you have no idea what you’re doing, and he’s had sex plenty of times. additionally, being that exposed in front of anyone makes you a little nervous. chan has never ever made you feel like anything less than most beautiful person he has ever seen, but being completely naked in front of someone for the first time in such a context makes you a little nervous and makes your brain think a little too critically of yourself.

unfortunately chan is beginning to notice the way you seem to cleverly evade the situation when something seems to be heading down a sexual road. so one night when you’re making out and you conveniently say you “forgot you need to start laundry because your work uniform is dirty,” he decides to gently confront you about it.

“babe, can i ask you something?” he says as he watches from the bedroom doorway as you grab your laundry basket and start gathering clothes to wash.

“of course,” you say, never taking your eyes off your work.

“do you not want to have sex together?” he asks, careful to make sure his tone is soft, not confrontational.

this question makes you immediately stop what you’re doing, but you still don’t look at him. “what makes you ask that?”

“you just seem to stop whatever is happening when we start taking things a little further,” he starts. “if you’ve changed your mind and you want to wait, that’s totally ok. it’s not like we need sex to have a healthy relationship. i don’t want to pressure you to do anything, so if you would rather wait, that’s ok.”

you finally look at him and vigorously shake your head. “no, no, it’s not that.”

you quickly look away and start going back to gathering laundry.

“what is it then?” he says, but you don’t answer. he walks over to you and grabs your hands to stop you from fidgeting with the clothes. he takes one hand and lifts your chin so you’re looking at each other again. “please. you can tell me. what’s going on?”

your eyes dart across his face. you can tell how genuinely concerned he is. your cheeks start to turn hot, and you feel that funny, nervous feeling in your stomach as tears threaten to well up in your eyes.

“i absolutely do want to have sex with you…i’m just nervous,” you begin, choking back sobs. “i’ve never…i’ve never done this before…had sex, i mean. and it’s not that i don’t trust you, i wouldn’t want anyone else to be my first time. but i'm worried it won't be a good time for you since i don't know what i'm doing. and being that exposed and vulnerable in front of someone, even though it's you and i trust you, makes me a little nervous…”

a tear falls from your cheek that he wipes with his thumb. he just looks at you for a moment, trying to find the right thing to say.

“baby,” he begins. “i’m honored that you trust me enough to be your first. and you’re literally the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen, so i hope you know that i’m still going to think that when you’re naked underneath me. obviously i don't care that you’ve never done this before. i love you, and it’s going to be a good time for me no matter what. but now that i know all this, if you’re ok with it, i would like to make your first time all about you. this would be your moment, i wanna make sure you feel good, especially because it might be a little uncomfortable the first time. but also, like i said earlier, if you would rather wait to do anything, we can. i'm not going to make you do anything you're not ready for.”

you sniffle a little as you try to bring yourself back together.

“thank you for saying all that,” you begin. “and i don't want to wait, i still want to do this. i feel a little better now that all that's off my chest.”

“can i take care of you, then?” he asks softly. “i wanna make you feel beautiful. if you’re ready.”

you nod. “yes, please.”

chan places a soft kiss on your lips before he picks you up and gently places you on your back on the bed so he’s hovering over you. he peppers soft kisses all over face, occasionally moving to your jaw and neck.

he holds himself up with one arm as the other starts to creep down your body before finding its way inside your shirt. his hand gently make its way up to your tits. he continues to kiss your neck but smiles against your skin when he realizes you’re already not wearing a bra. he takes your tit in his hand and gives it a firm squeeze before rolling your nipple between his fingers, eliciting a moan from you.

he continues at this for a little bit before his hand makes its way back down your body, stopping just above the waistband of your sweatpants. he pulls away from your neck to look at you. “this ok?”

you nod rapidly, breathing already growing jagged. “yes.”

he leans back down to nibble on your earlobe as his hands dip into your panties. he hums in your ear when he feels how wet you are as his fingers drag along your folds before he rubs small circles on your clit.

“channie,” you moan out at the feeling.

he drags his fingers along your already soaking wet pussy a few more times. “can i take your clothes off, baby girl?”

“please,” you respond, sounding more and more eager by the second.

he tenderly takes each article of clothing off, starting with your shirt and sweatpants. he slowly rubs his hands along every square inch of your body, drinking in the sight of you.

“so pretty,” he whispers, making you blush.

he finally grabs the waistband of your panties and slowly glides them down your legs before throwing them to the ground. when you feel the cold air of the room brush against your exposed pussy, you quickly close your thighs, desperate to cover the most vulnerable part of your body.

“uh uh,” chan says, shaking his head. he taps your thigh. “open them for me. i wanna see every beautiful part of you.”

you spread your legs as he makes his down your body, placing kisses along your torso all the way down, taking extra care to make small hickies on your tits. his head ends up between your legs, where he places soft pecks on the inside of your thighs. he stops when he’s eye level with your core. he looks up at you with hooded eyes. “ok?”

you nod.

“use your words, baby girl. i need to hear you say it," he states.

“yes,” you say desperately.

as soon as he gets the ok, chan licks a clean stripe up your pussy before wrapping his mouth around your clit, sucking gently.

“oh fuck,” you moan, fingers finding their way into his hair, tugging ever so slightly.

he continues his work on your clit as he slides two fingers inside you, making you mewl at the contact. his fingers push in and out of you at a steady rate, curling occasionally to rub that sweet spot inside you. he moans against you and the vibrations send shockwaves of arousal through your body. you’re growing wetter by the second, and you feel your walls clench around his fingers. you throw your head back as your back arches slightly. chan can tell you’re getting close to your orgasm, so he pumps his fingers a few more times and gives your clit one last hard suck before pulling away from you.

you gasp at sudden lack of contact. chan comes up from between your thighs and sits up on his knees. you see how wet and plump his lips look as he catches his breath. he takes his two fingers in between his lips and sucks your juices off of them.

“that’s probably the hottest thing i’ve ever seen,” you say in disbelief, warranting a smirk from chan as he crawls his way back up your body, placing a soft kiss on your cheek.

“how are you doing? you feel prepped enough?” he asks.

“i’m doing great,” you give him a soft smile. “i want you.”

“i want you, too,” he says with a sweet giggle. he stands up and discards his clothes before laying back over you again, resting himself between your legs once again. you watch as he wraps his hand around his painfully hard cock and gives himself a few pumps to get ready. “this might hurt a little bit, baby girl. it’ll probably feel a little uncomfortable at first. just focus on how things feel. tell me to stop if it becomes too much. you ready?”

“yes,” you nod. “ready.”

he aligns himself with your pussy before pushing in veeeery slowly. you gasp at his size, and he hisses when he bottoms out. you’ve never felt so full in your life, and he stops to let you get acclimated to the feeling of his cock inside you. he stretches you out so well. it feels a little uncomfortable but thankfully not painful.

"you doing ok?" he asks.

"yeah," you say, eyes still squeezing shut from the feeling of him inside you. "just...just give me a second to get used to it."

"take your time," he kisses your temple. "just tell me when you're ready."

you get adjusted after a minute or so and realize how desperately you need friction right now. “please move, channie.”

he starts to push himself in and out of you slowly, savoring the way you feel around him.

“shit. you feel so good, baby girl. doing so good for me,” he moans, which causes your pussy to clench around him.

you relish in the way chan feels as his cock slides in and out of you, feeling every little bit of him inside you. any feelings of discomfort slowly begin to subside as the sheer feeling of pleasure and arousal are the only things your mind can focus on. the only things pouring from your mouth are whimpers and moans.

he picks up his pace a little bit, but he’s careful to not push you too hard, wanting this to be as comfortable for you as possible. he snakes the hand that’s not holding him up in between you to rub circles on your clit with his thumb.

“chan,” is all you can manage to moan out as your fingers dig into his shoulders. “feels so good. don't stop.”

hearing that, he continues his work in earnest while he notices your breathing become more and more erratic. only a few more thrusts of his cock and circles of his thumb before the knot that had been building in you breaks, and your pussy flutters around him as you moan his name with your head thrown back into the pillow, fingers scraping down his back. he slows his movements greatly, but continues his motions to help you ride out your high, milking you of every last ounce of pleasure you have left in you. once you're finally done riding out your orgasm, he slowly pulls out of you, placing kisses all over your face.

“you did so well. you’re always so beautiful, baby girl. looked so pretty coming undone for me,” he whispers in between kisses before plopping down on the bed next to you.

you turn to look at him and place a kiss on his cheek. “thank you. thanks for being so sweet and understanding. and thank you for taking such good care of me.”

“of course, baby. you deserve it,” he says sweetly. “i hope you feel better about everything now. i love you."

“i love you, too. and i do feel better,” you reassure him. “thank you again.”

he places a kiss on your forehead before getting up and grabbing a washcloth. he comes back and starts cleaning you up. Then he takes the hand that isn’t wiping you and interlocks his fingers with yours, placing a soft kiss on your knuckles. once you're all clean, he throws the washcloth to the side and lays back down next to you.

“i know i didn't do much, but did i do ok?” you ask him, brows furrowed.

“you did incredible,” he smiles.

“but you didn't cum?” you pout.

“i know,” chan says. “i've learned to control it a little bit over the years. this was about you, so i figured i didn't need to cum. i was just focused on your pleasure, not mine. besides, that’s something i can take care of really fast later.”

he gives you a sly grin, making you chuckle. you can’t get over how sweet he is, putting your needs before his. all of the sudden though, you get an idea. maybe you’re still high from your orgasm or maybe it's the new found confidence chan is instilling in you, but you decide to just say what's on your mind.

“why don't you show me how i can take care of you?” you propose.

“you don’t have to, babe,” he responds. “tonight was your night.”

“i want to,” you state. “please?”

“ok,” he says with a smile. but the sweet look in his eyes quickly turns lustful. “in that case, you’re gonna have to get on your knees for me, baby girl.”

[urmomw4ntsme]

ahsei thoughts on frazel jason/piper and caleo GO

Okay SAW THIS AND WAS LIE. i need to mswer tjsi and. frazel didnt make me feel thst jason/piper didnt make me feel that CLEO CALEO IT FCUKIGN SUCKS EW I WIL TEL MORE.

ok so frazel is oki cuti coupel i like them theg so sweet like "will u hold my hand in fromt of everyone 🥺" vibes LIKE THE ONEEEE HE GIVES HIS LIFELINE TK HER BECAUSE HE TRUSTS HER SM HE HAS TRUST ISSUES HES SCRED AND TERRIFIED BYT HE GIVES IT TO HER AND SHE PROMISES TO KEEP IT SAFE WHY R PJO BOYS SO FUCKING UNRE AL WHEN WILL I FIND SOMEONE WHO WUD LITERALLY TRUST ME WITH TJEIR LIFE LKKE NKT FIGURATIVELY LITERALLY AMD WJO WUD LITERALLY GIVE UP GODHOOD FOR ME AND WHO WUD LITERALLY JUMP INTO THE UNDERWORLD FKR ME KYS FATE ASS BITCH

anyway

um so jsson/piper NO jiper. hehehehe or better yet pason ehehhehe idk what to fee about them tbh thty lowky give steggy vibes mainly cus jason gives me stvve vibes hes also stronh soldier traumatised asf. :( and piper is js like peggy badass gorgeous beautiful shud be with me i shud be kissing her rn alexa play boyfriend by dove cameron :( and I knwo the futjre i readspoilers so now its js there in my brain can do noting about it

omg this fucjing shitp. shit? ship? who knwos i literally adore calypso okay i love her sm but i just fucking hate it that they made her fall inlove with leo?? like this is wrong (to me) on so many levels a. she was CURSED to fall in love with every single demigod who ever went to ogygia or wtv. and it was devastating obvs that she had to go thru tht heartbreak again and again but !!!! IT WAS LITERALLY NOT HE. FAULT THE STUPID FUCJING DOGS sorry gods CURSED HER CUS SHE WAS. R E L A T E D. TO A TITAN. HOW IS THT FAIR. HOW .

and ir was literally. bound to happen. there was absolutely no way that be it percy or leo or whomstever thw fuck went to that god forsaken island SHE COULD NEVER EVER HELP BUT FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT PERSON SHE WAS CURSED. i js googled it btw in case i was wrong or misinformed BUT NO. SHE WAS CURSED. SHE . HAD. TO Fall FOR THAT PERSON EVEN IF SHE DIDNT WANT TO EVEN IF SHE HATED THEMM how is that fair to EITHER LEO OR CALYPSO??? I LOVE LEO SM HE IS MY BABY I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS?????. this IS SOOOOO REMADORA CODED DONT EVEN GET ME STARTEDDDDD like. it felt liek the author wamted both of them to be in a romantic relationship ANY romantic relationship and then was js like ok well theyre byh single lets do it. NO??? NOOOOOOO AND IF U SAY ooooo bu. they spent like 1000 days on the island tgt they developed chemistry NO BITVH THEY DIDNT. LEO WAS 16 YEAR OLD TEENAGE BOY WITH NO ROMANTIC EXPERIENCE EVER. like tell me u have never ever thought u have a crush on someone of the opposite gender while spending time with them even if u probably didnt have a crush on them??? if u haven't thats fine BECAUSE I HAVE and its Normal very many people go thru that u see perosn of opposie gendrr u R FORCED !!!! TO SPEND TIME WITH OERSON OF OPP GENDRRZ and u think omg ...... do i .... Like? them. WHAT. and u probably dont ur js a loser (like i was , like leo was) who has never spent tiem with someone of tbe opposite gender (wa. raised in an extremely 'conservative' read: boys and girls cannot ever just be normal friends household also wen to all girls elementary and high school , leo was js a loser thsts my excuse for hmm) OKAY GET IT???? THEY DID NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER WHILE MAKING MECHANIC PARTS TOGETHER at least leo didnt AND I LOVE MY GIRL CALYSO AND I LOVE ADORE LEO BUT I FUCKING BET IF CALYPSO WASNT CURSED SHE WUD NOT LOOK TWICE AT LEO HE IS LITERALLY JS A LOSER GUY PATHETIC (ADORABLE AWESOME AMAZING FUNNY BUT SRSLY LITERALLY NAM ONE GIRL WHO TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY OUT OF ALL THE GIRLS WE SEE HIM INTERACTING WITJ IN THE SERIOES) anyway thanks for coming to MY ted talk its MINE dont get offended love yall stay safe muah muah

[nightgoodomens]

i keep seeing these thots that crow or azi or both are casanovas and got all the experience. or just some experience whtever

but i dont want that

i want them both to be complete unexperienced so they can have all the experiences together!!!!! (If they want them, if they arent ace which would be just as fine i just want them to be each others first everything if they arent ace)

and i so hate the thought of either of them being a player. Like ik they would treat everyone with kindness and respect but i just dont want them to have any experiences with others

Canonically nothing was said apart from the fact that they really don’t understand humans that much so experts on sex? I highly doubt it lol. That kiss looked like the first intimate thing they’ve ever done. Also they both have eyes only for each other so I’m doubtful they had anything else with anybody else.

People went as far as trying to get NG to confirm that Aziraphale would have shitloads of sex toys and he shot them down with “if they’re sex toys then they’re someone else’s and he never inspected them” with which he made it clear what he thinks about those takes going around now.

I don’t mind people choosing to say whether they have any experience or not in fics but trying to get the dude to confirm that Aziraphale would be that type canonically… I really wish people kept fandom things in fandom. And sort of step away from the fics and get a little bit in touch with reality.

I highly doubt that we will see them doing anything more intimate than maybe a romantic kiss in S3. Probably like shielding each other in the rain so Crowley gets his romantic movie moment and Aziraphale gets his romantic book moment. NG always made a point to show how love can be shown in so many more important ways than the most obvious. Sex doesn’t mean love. These two were always more about all those little and big things they would do for each other that would show their love and devotion over six thousand years so I’d actually love for things to be kept that way and doubt that will suddenly change. I’d rather have Jane Austen Balls, protecting each other, the looks, the “I won’t leave you on your own”, let’s do a miracle together, damsel in distress and saving, teasing, bickering, “our”, all of that you know. This is what gave such depth to this relationship and made it so meaningful.

And to be fair I actually hope he doesn’t do anything more. It’s not really that type of a show and fans are already exhausting with their sex obsession so they actually put me off wanting anything to do with it at this point.

I really don’t think you have to worry about anything anon. I doubt that subject will ever be touched in the show.

[vidavalor]

i keep seeing these thots that crow or azi or both are casanovas and got all the experience. or just some experience whtever

but i dont want that

i want them both to be complete unexperienced so they can have all the experiences together!!!!! (If they want them, if they arent ace which would be just as fine i just want them to be each others first everything if they arent ace)

and i so hate the thought of either of them being a player. Like ik they would treat everyone with kindness and respect but i just dont want them to have any experiences with others

Hi, friend. C'mon in and have some cookies. I made chocolate chip today. :)

First off, I can understand where you're coming from and I appreciate that your Ask to me wasn't unkind in the way you expressed it. I think we need more media with asexual characters in general, even if I don't think that's the story that is being told with Crowley & Aziraphale. (It might be with some other characters on the show and I hope that it's conclusively shown in some way in S3 as it would be a good thing.)

A word of advice from my ancient self here: I would caution you against equating virginity with "purity" or "romance" in a way that suggests that people who have had other partners are somehow "spoiled." There's nothing wrong with choosing to wait for a partner you feel comfortable with or for marriage or for any other reasons. Everyone's decisions regarding that are their own to make. The idea, though, that you judge romance relative to experience is a little worrisome. Life is full of many firsts. I'd caution you against holding a "first time" up in such high regard. There can be many different kinds of firsts. People grow and change throughout life and every experience is different and no worse or better than another one just because of when it happens. The idea of virginity meaning a "pure" experience is also oppressive to childhood sexual abuse survivors (of which there are, sadly, many, myself included).

There is nothing wrong with having sex-- just as there's nothing wrong with not having it. How many partners a person has had does not make them any less "pure" than people who have had none, nor does it mean that the sex would be less intimate or romantic with someone who has been with other people. How many partners a person has had does not impact the potential romance or level of intimacy they can have with a new partner. You don't both have to have never had sex to have a beautiful experience together.

As for first experiences with one another, I actually think they did have quite a few first experiences with one another-- regardless of whatever else did or didn't happen before. They've only ever loved each other so neither of them had ever slept with someone they were in love with before they started sleeping together. Forget first kiss-- I think Crowley is the first thing Aziraphale ever tasted, period, as I think their first kiss happened before the Job minisode. My next meta is actually about another "first" related to their relationship that they had with one another that I have the feeling from your ask that you might like. (It's called "Fish" & will be up soon.) There are still plenty of "firsts" in this story, if that's your thing, regardless of them having sex with other people.

[ghost-fight]

* Being aromantic isn't terrible. You're not any less valuable as a person because youre aro. That doesnt mean you have to enjoy it, that doesnt mean that it's easy to accept.

*Romance is everywhere. Its in books, its on tv, its in music, the movies, your family, school, jobs, public, romance is Everywhere, its impossible to get away from. It almost seems like everyone's in love in some way and you're just Not. That you're different, and wrong.

* its okay to feel like that. Its okay to feel wrong, to feel like you dont fit in. Even if you dont feel romantic attraction at all, if you feel only a little, or if you want to feel it. Its okay to feel like youre alone, to grieve the life you thought you would have and now know you wouldn't be happy in.

* Look at any disney movie. How many of them arent about a girl falling for a guy and living happily ever after? how many of them have a message that doesnt involve romantic love? You cannot expect people who grew up surrounded by romance to not grieve the loss of it. To not grieve the experience they won't have.

* Some of us dont feel human. The lack of something so engraved in our society makes us feel so outcasted that we dont even associate ourselves with the species.

* Maybe you're aro and you're at peace with it, you embrace it. Maybe you reject all love, or you live alongside it. You can be happy with it. But you also need to realize that it's okay if some aros arent comfortable with it yet. That doesnt mean theyre any less aro.

* Some of us still read the romance books, listen to the songs, watch the shows, and some of us enjoy it. Some sit there and question why couldn't it be them? why couldn't they have those experiences? why are they different? It doesn't make them less aro. It doesn't make them any less valid.

* Everyones relationship with their identity is different. Some people embrace it and are comfortable, some struggle with the words. It's all unique to each person. You cannot look at someone's identity and say "youre not -- enough." To think you'd have this life of love and a family and realizing you wouldn't be happy is scary.

* If you're aro and you havent accepted it: its okay. Dont force yourself. Let yourself grieve, and allow yourself the same care you'd have if it was any other sexuality. You're still you. One day you might be comfortable, but maybe you'll always wish to be different. Its okay. Give yourself time, and let yourself be. You're okay. You're not broken, you're not wrong. You're just you.

* It'll be okay.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hello 💗 wishing you a lovely valentines :)

heres my confession. ..... i wanna put myself out there more.. ive been honestly feeling like a baby, doing badly at college, jobless, aimless, inexperienced compared to friends my age, so..i just want to have more experiences this year, a job,going to places events bars local art stuff etc...., and hopefully those new environments can bring me closer to also new people ....:)

i feel profoundly for my friends..sometimes its sad to have to 'define ' "platonic" vs"romantic".... Do you know what i mean..? Its a beautiful feeling that i do not want to dismiss inside me even if i know expressing that is a whole diff thing

wishing U the best . Ur blog reminds me to stay hopeful. Its so easy to turn cynical.haha. sorry for the word vomit .... i wanna listen to people better too so it feels selfis of me to share so much but i am grateful for your openness to anon confessions i assume you feel similarly about sharing ?

^ yet you always give off a very, genuine interest in others , and thats so valuable

speaking is very hard , saying anything to another person, so i realized when someone shared something, that must be really delicate & Treasurable. Something to take with care

Its always worth it 2 reach out 2 others i think we need community more than ever. Much love 2U and anyone reading this . SPREAD THE LOVE.💗🌍🌎🌏💗💘🩷❤️

- 🌊💫🌙☀️🩷🌈

thankyou for this <3 no need to apologize for "word vomit" , it's all valuable to me, this is the reason i asked for confessions in the first place ^^ every day i am endlessly grateful for the tumlblr anonymous message feature & the way it empowers people to speak in a way that transcends their personal identity. to be able to facilitate a place where ppl trust me with their secrets & i trust u all enough to be able to leave anon turned on without fear of receiving hate. its not st i take for granted <333 i am overwhelmingly interested in everyone on earth lol. i want to help preserve traces of humanity for future gens.

please don't feel it's se;lfish to express yourself! especially when someone is asking you to :] people want to know more about you, im sure. its great to hear ur motivated to put urself out there. "inexperience" is a subjective thing, it's all relative.. for example i never went to college & im a 30 yr old neet w no money, compared to people my age im waaaay "behind", however i feel deeply experienced in emotional matters, death, love, spirituality, etc ! Everyone has something unique to bring to the table.

and dont be afraid to love your friends as fiercely as you would love a romantic partner. treasure them!! friendships can be so freeing when you love each other vastly but there's less expectations & pressure than a romantic partnership. Community is the answer to so many of the world's pronblems rn, we can start small in our own lives to help encourage it. even just by blogging together ^-^

thankyou for this awresome and thoughtful confession anon.. have a wonderful valentines<333333333

[6irlpet]

Mm im a virgin and im nervous about my first time can u give me some tips

hmmmmmm ok ok ok ill try

first of all its normal to be shy/nervous but anyone who's worthy as a partner isnt gonna make u feel weird or bad about that. if they do they r not the one!

be safe 😑 similarly anyone who doesnt respect your wishes for things like... condoms, lube, or what u dont want to do, etc etc is not the one!!! never Ever not just for first times!!!! it is OK to not be comfortable with certain things!!!! i know this sounds like elementary advice but a lot of people think they know it, then freeze up in the actual situation :(

wear s/t that makes u feel cute and confident (doesnt have to be crazy lingerie just like. favorite pair of underwear ukno!) and i like to Always shower day of + wash downstairs like 5 mins before sex bc its (1) clean (2) less anxiety on my part

tbh dont build it up in ur head as something that HAS to be perfect and romantic or whatever....... maybe i'm just not a very romantic person (yes) but virginity is not a big deal imo? u wouldnt expect to be good at any hobby with your first attempt, your goal should just be to have fun. and its practice! u get better lol. like unless its the only time you're planning on having sex ever in your whole life it's ok if the planets didn't align or whatever, just learn what worked/what didnt and carry it with u for a better next time!

Have Fun!!!! even when i have someone tied up i love talking/teasing, laughing with them, etc etc... esp since i'm not very dominant and just top 4 friends, i try not to get frozen in my head about what i ~should~ be acting like. i'll go with what feels natural (it all comes easier than you'd think in the moment honestly) and try to channel a bit of what i know they like. but if ur sexy character breaks or whatever , its ok... have fun with it... just be urself fr... i know that sounds corny but its true!! just have fun and anyone who is worth it is gonna giggle along with u. sex is FUN its a connection with someone, an interaction between bodies, making e/o feel good, let it be natural.

dont be afraid to mention if something doesnt feel good? so many of my friends have told me like, "i didnt like when my parter did this / it turned me off or hurt" and i was appalled, like... tell them??? u can move someones hand elsewhere, u can Communicate. when im topping i like to ask 'is that ok? that feel good? can i touch u here?' etc. u can make it sexy by saying it teasingly, but it gives a real window for someone to say if its not.

this isnt possible for every situation but i think it is worth it to have your first experiences b with someone you trust. it doesn't have to be romantic but i think you're a lot more relaxed if you are comfortable with the person. a lot of my firsts were forced/not rly fun, my first Sex was while intoxicated w/ a guy i'd only known a few days + first kink experiences were also random rushed unsafe stuff. i dont exactly regret but i do feel weird about it sometimes and so i've only recently started to be ok with hooking up with people again. via doing so with FWBs i trust and it's been a vastly different experience!!! idk how to describe it, but like knowing we're good and that it's ok and safe and fun and that they're not judging body or whatever, it's given me more confidence in playing + communicating. i used to freeze up if anyone touched me and now im getting open enough to where im considering letting myself sub again, and ok with more physical contact. ofc not everyone has friends who are dtf but no matter who it is, being comfortable with them is everything!!

nothing should hurt or bleed and i'll die on that hill. with plenty of foreplay/arousal and lube and slowly working up a stretch (if ur being penetrated) it shouldn't hurt. example: i hadn't been penetrated with more than 2-3 fingers for months, when i got home recently i tried dildo and couldn't get it in, i just relaxed + worked up with a smaller toy + knew i could go for lube if i needed (i didnt bc i have a faucet pussy but it does make it easier) similarly with anal, u just gotta work up and relax

in line with #7..... theres nothing wrong with using lube. and foreplay IS essential bc when you get aroused your muscles will relax and you'll feel better and more receptive to every aspect of sex not just penetration. i also don't think there's anything wrong with using toys????? a straight girl im friends with said her boyf can't get her off and i told her to tell him to use a vibe and she was like "i don't think we're close enough for that" like girl what the fuck he's had his tongue in your vagina i think it's okay to use a toy 😭 people historically would have gone nuts for the availability of sex toys we have now fuckin shake it up and have some fun!! it's not weird!!!! god straight people and their sex hangups. anyway.

i hope that helps????? tbh i think a lot of these are aimed @ cishet men being awful in bed for the most part but! they can still apply to keep in mind! summary: dont let anyone make u feel weird or bad for wanting things / not wanting things and u should feel comfortable and good and dont be afraid to communicate what u like (give encouragement vocalize that u feel good!) + what ur not feeling (share if s/t hurts or if u want them to go faster/harder or move up a bit or whatever)! literally HAVE FUN AND BE YOURSELF

[cindysnuts]

trigun stampede i just finished it and have so many thoughts but i can't possibly process them all so here's a more easily sharable sexuality hc list:

(oh and minor spoiler warning too)

Vash is like ace. he doesn't necessarily crave sex from any humans but could definitely be coaxed into it and fully enjoy it. if his physiology allows for that, i guess. Can probably experience romantic attraction too, but in a demiromantic way. Just demi overall

Nai: also ace but would NOT want to carnally enjoy a human. he'd hate it. has no romantic love for any human. for a plant maybe.

Meryl: idk i'm very gay and don't think about women's sexuality much, but probably bi. she could be straight but idk she has a special something I think. has been following around vash for long enough that she has a strong attachment to him. but is it love? probably. romantic love though? hmmmmm she'll have to figure that one out herself. i would like it more if it wasn't, or if she wasn't the only one... but we'll have to wait and see. she's close to Rem in Vash's mind... so no telling about that one.

Roberto: Old man, definitely straight, has definitely seen it all, has definitely made out with a man. didn't do much for him but them again what has? shared a cigarette with a man once though and it changed something about him permanently. so make what you will

Nicholas: ohhhh bitch. now this is the guy that inspired the list. he's still so young but so tired, he's seen so much. he loved that boy. catholicism has its ways though. not only does he bear that cross for the people he's hurt but for the people he's loved too. all are sins in the eyes of the cross in that way. only ever loved one man but that was enough. seeing straight into Vash's soul though... his vulnerability... his scars he's taken for loving... well let's just say this undertaker had something stir. definitely not love though. no he could never love again. monsters like him can't have love. so he definitely can't love Vash, and he didn't love Livio. or so he keeps telling himself. making that cross a little heavier. not all burdens are beared consciously.

Livio: ah yes, the little boy who fell in love with Nico so hard that he followed him to hell, to be an undertaker. a love so deep it's gonna tear them both apart. definitely gay.

Bluesummers: ah now we're on to the fun ones. these guys don't have the narrative weight to be wrapped in heavy metaphor that I don't wanna disrupt yet, so I'm a little more free with their speculation. this guy seems like he serves Knives like a god, but with that level of devotion who can tell the different kinds of love apart???? me, i can this bitch is flaming literally like f slur.

Zazie: not human, literally a hivemind, so I dont think sexuality really fits them at all. like literally i dont think they even have sex to reproduce?? so sexuality is a no lol. um that said they're also nonbinary cause they literally do not have human sex characteristics let alone human genders. unaligned evil enby you love to see it.

Rem: for catholic metaphor reasons i think she would have to be straight but she's a lesbian its why she didnt marry or have children of her own no i will not be taking questions at this time.

William Conrad: despite having two names that should make me personally feel insane he is instead a beleaguered straight man. he is a Priest, after all.

Ludia and Brad: again, straight probably for catholic narrative reasons, like Wolfwood's sexuality wouldn't be as big a burden if everyone was just gay. that said they are dyke 4 fag pair bonded permanently no i will not be taking questions at this time. actually since they live on the ship outside of the reach of the church maybe they could be gay and have it work narratively... hmmmmm.... homos

Gosef: gay asf you seen his little bowtie??

Prof. Nebraska: transgender mad scientist just loves his son.

Chuck Lee (goon from ep 1 had to google his name): straight subscribes to a space egirl's space twitch channel and buys her used space socks in a cringe fail incel way but he's supporting space swers so we kinda stan in a cringe fail way.

[aroaceconfessions]

This rant is gonna be super random but long story short I wish amatonormativity didn't exist

Honestly this blog saved me so many times. Whenever I felt like I was stupid to experience these feelings and that no body could relate, I'd aways find that there were so many people who shared my experience and that I wasn't alone. (Thanks a lot for this)

I realised that I was an asexual 3-4 years ago, courtesy tumblr. I also came across the term for the lack of romantic attraction, aromantic, but I waved it off as that time because I didn't want to think too much about it. But I remember praying to god saying that who ever is destined for me, pls don't let us meet xD ( its believed in my religion that everyone is made in pairs so, you'd either meet them here or afterlife) . Yup. I guess that was because of my asexuality as in my culture, marriage is idk let's say a big thing and it's usually arranged. Scratch that, only arranged marriage with 0.0001% chances of love marriages. And with marriage, well it obviously comes with responsibility, and I don't think I would be able to fill in for all of them (especially sexual ones). Its not like I'm running away from responsibilities, I'm also responsible for my own happiness and fulfilling 'those' responsibilities would make me unhappy, so I didn't want marriage. I know communicating this to my fams is important but I don't expect them to understand me one bit, I can already hear those cliche phrases over and over again and I don't have the mental energy to deal with that. I don't plan on coming out to my parents nor my brother about asexuality. I did come out as bi to my brother when I heard his best friend did so too, he's.. well not completely okay with the idea but he's supportive enough xd I'm thankful.

Whoever said that sexuality is a journey was spot on. I went from thinking I was bi to pan and then bi-alterious aroace and then finally resorting to my fate of being an aroace (wouldn't have it another way). I still don't know what I am but I can surely say that I want nothing to do with romance and that I don't experience sexual attraction at all. But I still want to have meaningful relationships, just not a romantic one. And if I could find someone who I really resonated with, and if they'd agree, then I would love to get married to them or whatever and do all the things deemed romantic by the society and confuse them all, I'd really love that. I do have my best friend who identifies as bi, she's my soul mate and I'm really lucky to have her. I'd happily spend my life with her, but (welp) our families would make a big issue out of it and I don't want her to go through all that. We could be in a qpr but I feel like not everyone takes it seriously and it's sad. I don't think she understands its importance too, i dont blame her. A qpr is literally everything I want. I don't mind having no one coming back home to but once in awhile I can't help but think about having someone who'd be there looking forward to me coming back home. Someone who wouldn't want to change me and understands that I can't reciprocate their romantic feelings (if they had it for me) but nonetheless I'd love them with all there's to love with.

I hate this world we live in. I hate people saying romantic relationships are the only meaningful relationships ugh. I'm so frustrated rn.

[moonglittering]

🔮 -- Does your muse believe in soulmates? How do you feel about writing Soulmate AU’s? / 🏩 -- How long does your muse usually wait before having sex with their partner? What is their view on sex and intimacy?

✨ @countlessrealities. meme. still accepting!      

🔮 -- Does your muse believe in soulmates? How do you feel about writing Soulmate AU’s?

no the concept is very, very childish to him… and he finds it to be an embarrassing way to look at romantic / platonic love. some of the idea behind a soulmate stems from plato’s symposium where he proposed the theory that people used to actually be doubled up until the gods decided people were too powerful, and split them up. your soulmate is the other half of the person you used to be…. and he hates that a lot lol. when you meet virote and you decide to love him and he decides to love you, he’s already completely whole. there’s nothing for you to do to make him any more of a complete version of himself. you can’t even make him a better person.

he’s making himself a better person, whether you’re there or not.

and sure that doesnt work for others sometimes but it works for him. much like a lot of virote’s other beliefs and ways in how he navigates all types of relationships, hes very together, down to earth, and matter-of-fact about it. it’s not overblown or lofty. vi doesn’t need to feel like he’s a puzzle piece to be slotted against another person to complete the picture. he dont even feel that way about his family and he loves his family more than anything. virote views himself as a root of a tree, everyone else = other parts of the tree. you can cut it down to a nub of the trunk, you can remove the branches, the leaves will fall off. the roots are always there. and it will continue to absorb what it needs, regardless of what’s going on above it.

the best way to sum up how vi feels about romantic love comes from eartha kitt…

‘ i fall in love with myself, and i want someone to share it with me. and i want someone to share me, with me. ’

so tl;dr

nope. he thinks we have base compatibility with a number of people and the rest is willingness to work on the relationship. platonic, romantic, etc whatever. that’s all.

like. virote’s a romantic but he’s not corny with it. 

🏩 -- How long does your muse usually wait before having sex with their partner? What is their view on sex and intimacy?

ngl, virote really has no like... waiting period lol. it kind of conflicts with his lack of experience because he doesn’t have anything casual going on ever, no hook-ups, and hasn’t even been on a vanilla date in like almost 10 years. and his sexual experience is that length of time too glfkjgdfkl. like he’s really open to sleeping with a guy in the early stages, dating him or not. hell, he’ll sleep with someone he barely knows at all.

❝ I’ve never done anything considered kinky. I have no experience, ❞ [ ... ] ❝ Haven’t had sex in, like, a lot of years. Only had it with my first and only boyfriend and all I could do was close my eyes and he’d do his thing. never did foreplay beforehand, never even did all the pillow talk stuff after. He’d screw me for like two minutes and then leave. After that relationship like, I never did anything casual. Never got to, like, explore what I like. never hooked up with someone. I’d like to find out what it’s like, though… But, I’m also scared that I’ll take my clothes off in front of a man and he’ll laugh at me. I don’t have many insecurities, but. Um. I have a lot of sexual hang-ups. I want to free myself from all of them. I want someone to want me and show me I don’t have to be scared of desire… Or, like. something like that. I’m trying my hardest to find myself in that way. Man, this soju sucks. ❞

he’s open to being free with his sex life

but there’s so much standing in his way...

however, he wants to live a little! he wants to get a bit freaky with someone!

also he’s really, really, really flexible and has dancer stamina so... whoever witnesses that in bed will be lucky. and he’s terrifyingly pretty like whomst is gonna hold his face in their hand and force him to make eye-contact??

[nicehare]

recently I've been thinking about how like, it's pretty hard to describe my sexual orientation and gender

(long ruminating post under the cut lol)

gender wise I either feel neutral or masculine, so I feel like demiboy fits, but im also afab so i identify with being transmasc too

in terms of attraction, i have a LOT of platonic love for my friends, i love them so much. platonic love comes as naturally as breathing to me, i want to bond and know all of my friends deeply, i want to form strong attachments and feel really close to people even though its really hard to do that sometimes. but, that platonic love rarely ever becomes romantic love. doesn't matter how much I know someone, romantic feelings just don't happen often for me. sexual feelings are even rarer, AND i have to know someone really well first before sexual feelings can even happen. developing a romantic attraction also doesn't guarantee a sexual attraction will develop, it just has to happen first for there to even be a chance it will. its like a chance game on neopets, you have to win the first 1/1,000,000 chance roll for romance to even have a shot at the second 1/1,000,000 chance roll for sex lmao.

when romantic and sexual feelings for someone do happen though, gender isn't a determining factor. my love for every person ive ever loved has felt different but not because of their gender(s). so that means: demiromantic, demisexual, and pansexual

but how do you tell someone - especially irl - you're transmasc, demiboy, demiromantic, demisexual and pansexual, i mean that's so many words and im already really bad at talking to people, its easier to just say im queer, but im also really careful not to apply that label to other people unless i know they're ok with it, especially since i live in the south us

(and dont get me started on trying to explain and be included in conversations about experiencing life as a woman, since i didn't transition until i was in my mid 20s, so being seen and treated as a woman has been most of my life. like, i want to talk about how its been for me as a fem person whose entire career has been in tech and how that has affected me and affects fem people in such negative ways, but if it were up to me i wouldn't even be perceived as a fem person. but, i still am because i don't pass and can't come out at work, so that's still my experience interacting with everyone who doesn't know me personally outside work. i usually try to speak up in conversations about this anyway even though sometimes i don't feel welcome being part of the conversation bc of how i identify now.)

idk. it makes me feel really, really lucky that im married and my spouse and I have such a close and loving relationship and they understand me so intimately. i almost lost them to cancer a few years ago. i don't like to think about this at all, but i know 100% that if i lost them i would just be alone for the rest of my life.

[hopeididntscareyou]

maybe this isnt the best way to deal with things. i probably got this from my dad, but i tend to intentionally do things that i know that would hurt a person, not because i want to hurt them but because i care about them and for me "betraying" them would be the only way to save them. i sacrifice my reputation, even though i would look like the bad guy. even though people would hate and resent me. i dont really care that much about their feelings about me anyways. but ya, sometimes it happens. but im just doing it for their own good. so even though, yes i am running deception, i wouldn't say i am completely ethically corrupted as at the end of the day, i feel fulfilled that i do something good for the humanity.

also unrelated topic but i don't understand why people judge others negatively about casual sex. i have been a virgin for a very long time and i dont care if the love of my love has ever done casual sex. its not a redflag to me. no i am not someone who will sleep around but in my opinion there is nothing wrong with having sex with someone you're not in a relationship with as long as you're not hurting anyone or anything in the process. sex is a human experience that you can share with someone and for it to be good and ethical it doesnt have to require a romantic relationship. this is why the dating pool is bad. its so full of people playing RPG for sex because everyone are just conditioned by the society that the end goal is to find a LTR and build family and shit. I'm not even going to start with my antinatalism philosophical bullshit, so to keep it short i just wanna say that its not everyone's life's purpose to build a family. you can reproduce in your own means without creating a human offspring. you can leave an even more remarkable product on this planet by pursueing your passions instead and who knows you would even be remembered by so many generations unrelated to you for it. so many physicists, philosophers, scientists did great things by helping this world made sense and a lot of them died without partners/children. think of isaac newton, nietzsche, etc. i kinda went off tangent with that but back to my original topic, cant we just appreciate sex for what is it and stop associating it only with dating and reproducing? also, casual sex is not always meaningless. for most people it means nothing but for me its not. if i would have sex with someone it means its because i trust them, i'm attracted to them and i appreciate and respecte them as another human being. and in order for that to happen there should be a mutual connection. you have to build trust. its literally just like dating except i don't have any expectations that it will last forever, it just means i am trying to enjoy the present moment for what it is and not limiting myself due to society's test of morality. yes i dont require a commited relationship but it doesnt also mean i would be having sex with every man i get involved with. its not meaningless repetitive shit to me. to me it should be always special and a good experience and if its not then whats the point? i'd rather stay celibate then. but to be honest, one of the reasons why i have been a virgin for a long time is because i was scared people will get the wrong idea of me. but now that im in my mid 20s and old enough to have so many experiences being slutshamed even as a virgin, i dont give a fuck anymore. life is too short to let others opinions rule my life's choices. i realized, no matter what you do, ppl will say whatever they want but it will be always a reflection of their own character and insecurities more than yours. as long as i make myself clear about what i want out of something, then i dont worry about nothing. life becomes easier when you're more honest about yourself than to play stupid redpill mind games.

[deadass-pool]

october 31, 2022 - halloween pms

oh boy oh boy DO I HAVE A STORY TO TELL

so in the past 3 months, i got a job, met new people, life kinda sucks, i met a boy, i also met another boy, i met more boys, went to a kpop music festival, met another boy, jesus fucking christ, please check in on my temper because my patience was tested.

aside from the clients that i have to deal with during my work hours in the morning hours to afternoon, i was also dealing with MEN and i dont know!!!! i havent been screwing around the dating scene in so long because i was so invested in other things such as being delusional with my celebrity crushes and college was sucking the life out of me but jesus christ, i kinda wished it stayed that way because now i got money problems (its a me problem) and boy problems (that i have to get rid ASAP)

anyways, i’m not gonna write about the 10 guys i talked to simultatnoeusly at once, the another 5 men whom all i met through stupid online dating apps, WHAT im gonna tell you is that i ended up forming a whatever situationship with a guy that i used to go to the same elementary school with. WHICH WAS WEIRD BECAUSE I KNEW HIM SINCE FOREVER LIKE IN 1ST GRADE IMAGINE HAVING HIM SEE YOUR TIDDIES NOW AT AGE 22 LIKE, THATS SO WEIRD WHO FUCKING KNEW RIGHT 

anyways, yeah based on the last paragraph that i have written, if it isn’t obvious enough for you, yes it was very sexual (and very confusing at times) and ITS SOMETIMES WEIRD because i cant stop picturing him as some random 6th grader that i walk past by numerous times when i was in 5th grade and idk idk its so fucking crazy like, THATS CRAZY RIGHT?? WHO KNEW LMFAO

anyways yea we would call each other at night, it was nothing serious, obviously. out of everyone he was my favorite since there was a common ground and experience we share so i felt more comfortable with him than the rest of the guys that i talked to. so i trusted him enough with photos that i took and hes literally the only guy i ever sent those photos to (and hes gonna get beat up by me if anything happens GOD FORBID ANYTHING HAPPENS) 

he would send good morning texts bla bla bla, it was a one month short lived experience until i decided to just be distant or whatever because hes literally any other guys. god, we were evn supposed to go on a date but it didnt happen. the point is, just because you knew him since forever does not mean he’s going to be different. i have met way too many of the same people like him, AND LIKE ME, to keep my guard up anyway.

anyways, the point is i can feel the void in me getting alot more worse. the more i entertain these men, even women (i cant for the life of god play with women even when im attracted to them i just CANT) the more i feel like this is all i ever am worth of.

i always dreamed about being cherished, being taken care of, being seen, being listened to, and just being loved and that’s because of the numerous love songs that i heard, movies that i watched and books i read, but why does it feel like i will never be worth of any of those things?

i think the dating scene of today made it worse. i think that’s why i can’t keep on settling for stuff like this anymore. i am not embarrassed to admit that i believe that i deserve being treated with respect and live the fluffy romantic corny shit you see in dramas. i truly want that lol

i just feel like i wasted so much time on spending to get to know these people, even when im not looking for anything serious, time is still a cost to even acknowledge their existence. i just feel like absolute shit over it.

idk maybe im just pmsing and its a halloween and i literally have nothing much better to do (i am literally supposed to go on errands but i ended up crying over the remaining balance in my bank account) but idk idk

and also i cut off my ties with this guy, not fully, just distanced myself. if he tries to reach out, then i’ll let him in. there’s nothing going on anyway and he’s a manwhore lol. idk im just upset over everything rn idk why im typing this maybe its because its eating me alive. did u guys know that i used to have such a huuuuuge crush on him until he went for the sexual part in our relationship or whatever we have and now i could not respect him at all lmfao

anyways, thats it ill tell more on the careeer part soon, im working on something. see if this one works out. we’ll see.

[roguestarsailor]

I HATE BEING THIS OLD AND NOT KNOWING THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’vee been mad at my past self actually. watching stranger things* makes me feel this yearning for my childhood/teen years and wishing i’d done things differently. i sometimes regret how i spent it and now im a loser adult who hadn’t experienced ANYTHING and will never know the feeling of just being carefree. i mean i know why i didn’t do those things but god talking to other people, watching media depict these rich lives makes me soo sad; like i really am wasting my youth. the depiction of teenage love, having sex for the first time, going on dates, quiet glances in class, sooo many of those things i WISSSHHHH happened to me. even in college, i never got up the courage to do any of those things. now im moving to a different city and i’m literally not ready. i feel like a fucken child but im a grown ass woman who has never done anything ever. i have none of these experiences and quite frankly im so ashamed that i don’t--its embarassing!!! i dont want some stupid guy to teach me things; i wish i could have just done those things as a teen and not be so green about everything. i wish i was just normal!! i wish these things just came easily. i wish i could just date a man and enjoy it. i wish i didn’t stress about sex every time i talk to a man in a romantic setting. i wish i knew the feeling of wanting to kiss somebody. i wish i was just normal and did those things as a teen or early 20s. now i’m playing catch up and im really just standing there as everyone moves on with their lives. soo many of my friends just did those things and now theyre in long term relationships and is soo natural for them to just lean on their boyfriends and speak in “we”, “us”, “ours”, picking up random facetime and chatting about the mundane things.....and i really really want that my heart hurts!! i wish i could one day be that open with my feelings and have it reciprocated..

and i think thats it. i didn’t put in the hours to learning how to be with someone and now im solidifying being alone*. like im used to my company and year after year im just learning to be ok with just lil ol me, and its just exhausting trying to anticipate things happening and knowing that i pretty much have to support myself in all capacity of life (figure out how to weather politicians that pride themselves in taking away my rights). i have a responsibility for my family too and i have to factor that in as well. but my god, i fucken wish i could just be normal and be like a lot of girls i know (basically my age or belowww!!!!!!!) who can just settle down w their person and know there is some sort of support and have that companion that they can depend on as they grow through the life stages. and most of them seem liek they actively love their persons too (wtf???)

anywho not feeling great this week. lots of emotions and everything feels like a trigger to me. i feel like an absolute CHILDDD.

:\

-

*yes i should know my triggers and what to avoid. yes i shouldn’t compare my life to others because mine circumstances are different..but my god i feel like such a stupid slow loser

*everyone at work keeps saying “how young i am” now that im going to SF but these people are also like i met my husbands at 25. yyeah okkk. doesnt help when so many people you know are just settled and live with their partners. honestly, meeting ppl might not be good for me anymore. and by meeting people i mean most of the girlies i’ve met through SAT and we recently had a happy hour w a bunch of them and theyre all just in relationships and thats all they talk about. is just how they can quit their jobs and have their partner supporrt them or how much more money they make than them and tho they are grateful they have that safety net or just having ur default travel buddy, doing shit together, and again “us”/”we”/etcetc. oh god maybe i gotta stop hanging out with these people..,until i sort out my fucked up brain.............i gotta get a therapist holy shit