#also there was one about the mobility aids used by a specific CHILD on here and these fic accounts were eating it up like be serious

[barbreypilled]

there’s something soooo uncouth about tagging certain posts w #writing like someone will be talking about something serious and here comes ramblings-of-a-befuddled-whovian storing it for the most offensive ofmd fic ao3 has ever seen

[fandom-hoarder]

Ok, so I got an ask for mutual aid. Of course, it's human to want to help someone in need, even if all you can do is reblog their post. But you also don't want to be scammed, or help spread a scam. So you look for clues, or you only reblog your mutuals' aid posts because you at least know they're *real*, or you don't reblog aid posts at all.

So, what are the tells? (I'm not an expert, this is just what I've learned through osmosis.)

Do they follow/interact with you, outside of the mutual aid request?

Is their username weirdly generic?

Does the blog look like a real tumblr user, and not just someone who made a tumblr to ask for aid? How old is it? Is it involved in any fandoms? Does it seem staged?

Does their aid ask and needs description make sense? Is it overly vague, or bogged down with unneeded details?

If you quote-search the body of their aid ask, do you get any similar hits for scams on other sites or under other names?

Does the account for donations look legit?

What do you find when you reverse image search?

So, having received an ask that sounded very much like someone whose mutual aid I would want to support if they're real, but already having two red flags from the jump (not following me and not in my notifications, weird wording and grammar on ask), I endeavored to suss them out.

Screencaps of my adventure under the cut.

Like someone else has said, please don't go harrass this blog. Even if it's a scam, at some point there's a person behind that screen.

So here's the ask.

Red flags: they don't follow me, I don't know them, the ask is long, the grammar and punctuation are bad, word choices are odd or misspelled. These don't mean it's automatically fake, but it looks more like a weird AI than someone using google translate to communicate in English.

So I check their blog.

Their pinned post is this (click to read, it's a longass pic):

I don't take any links yet.

I take a block of their post and check it in google; all I get are snapshots of tumblr reblogs for their aid post. I click the "buy me a coffee" link, and it looks...idk, fine I guess. There's a tumblr logo, but clicking it seems to do nothing. (I'm on mobile)

A quick search of their name on tumblr gives me 2 posts mentioning them spamming this same message to people.

I read the one with the readmore linked here

After reading wannursyafiqah74's post about it, I got on my laptop and went back to casualdonutfire.

Mostly random reblogs; cats and other random reblogs of mostly pics, many with comments that could've/should've been tags, and no actual tags whatsoever. Like set dressing that says, "See? I'm a real person! I'm leaving comments about my reblogs that show I'm not a bot! I interact! I know what I'm I'm reblogging!"

It gives me a creepy vibe. I try google again to see if I can find their presence elsewhere on tumblr. The returns are still all snapshots of their mutual aid post. I open their archive. Ok, their tumblr has archive on...?

There are no fandom-esque posts until the very first reblog, a comment on One Piece fanart on October 18, 2023.

Their first post about needing aid was on November 7, 2023. Nearly the same wording as their pinned post, except they don't mention having a child. Zero specifics on what amount is needed for what or a timeline or anything. Not even anything about Christmas coming up. Tagged generously for trans surgery and other visibility words.

Oh. AND. The buymeacoffee is different. Adela, not Adella.

Then their next post for aid is fresh on January 11, 2024; nearly the same wording, except now there's a daughter and a birthday -- no date for the birthday, though, is there?!

[reblog linked here] If you go to their January 12th reblog and click on the "video proof," it's an audio-only black screen upload to imgur, with no identifying info for what's going on other than what they describe (and it doesn't really sound like what they describe; it sounds like a kid ready for christmas but not disappointed, like idk what more you're supposed to get out of it)

Then I clicked on their buymeacoffee link and noticed something. When I hovered my mouse over the tumblr symbol under their blurb, the link embedded there showed up at the bottom of my screen. And it was NOT casualdonutfire.

It was deepeagletimetravel. And, of course, it's a nuked tumblr. Hence doing NOTHING for me on mobile.

So I went to google again!

And lo, what do I find in those lurking reblogs?

ANOTHER MUTUAL AID POST IN EVERYONE'S REBLOGS. WITH A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSONA AND STORY. BUT THE SAME WALL OF TEXT + BAD PUNCTUATION STYLE

Using a stock photo for their initial "bio" that seems awfully misleading when you don't say it's a stock photo.

And with stolen/uncredited art by thetransformistress as a thank you.

And, of course, the buymeacoffee page it linked for Ameera (buymeacoffee.com/AmeeradelzC) is blank. 👀 Totallynormal, nothing to see here.

But this makes me think. I go back to that Nov 7 casualdonutfire post, with their first buymeacoffee link to "Adela" (buymeacoffee.com/adelladomil)--

and what do ya know, the tumblr that opens is casualdonutfire!

So did they forget they made an adela account, and change their ameera buymeacoffee account to adella for their new post, forgetting to change the deepeagletimetravel tumblr name?! 🤷‍♀️

[faelynfawn]

Hi I just saw the circus au art and I'm here to ask about him.

Feel free to go on a ramble I need everything you got :3

Oh my gods thank you so much for asking I have so much to say. (Also, by the way, I love your art so so much. If you have ever noticed me spam reblog a bunch of your art, it was most likely because I was on a call with my friends and showing it to them.)

So, the first and most important thing to establish, is that all versions of Scar I rotate around in my brain are disabled. Specifically in regards to circus headcanon or AUs, he has all of my disabilities. As I am a disabled circus artist and I know exactly how it would work.

So, Scar had always loved the circus ever since he was a little kid. It was just so magical and wonderous to him. He always sort of wished he could join the circus.

Then one day, around about 15, he realised there was a circus studio really close-by to him. Three, in fact. It blew his mind. Previously he sort of regarded circus as this mystical, out of reach thing. He had no idea it was just something he could learn and do.

For me, this is sort of where it splits into two separate veins of timelines. A) One in a Minecraft-inspired fantasy setting that has a casual interdimensional travel aspect to it (the one LMLY is set in, essentially) and consists of things like codes. And B) a modern AU of a Minecraft-inspired fantasy setting with no interdimensional travel (so no Hermitcraft or Life Series). It is a more normal fantasy world and does not consist of codes or players, it is people within it if that makes sense. We will call this A and B.

In A, he was a builder already. That was what he loved doing. As a result, he decided it would be better for his career if did not show that he was disabled. If you have read LMLY, you will understand.

Anyway, because of being a builder, he was already incredibly strong. His favourite part of circus at the beginning was being a base in acrobalance. It took him a while to get the right kind of strength for aerials, but once he did he quickly started to train doubles work.

The thing is, he knew that all of the things he was initially drawn to in circus just were not realistic for him to do. His first love in circus was flying trapeze, but he knew any sort of flips would just make him pass out. But in order for flying trapeze to work, you need a catcher.

He worked his butt off to be a catcher.

Most of the circus he ever did was group work, with him fulling the role of the base/catcher. He did not have the ability to do much else, it would just trigger his symptoms.

When he got to Hermitcraft he found himself a lot more symptomatic than ever before, even after he learnt how to accommodate himself better. It meant that his ability to go back to his home world and do circus was quite limited, almost entirely stopping after season 6.

I am jumping ahead quite a bit as otherwise it would reflect the planned plot for LMLY a bit too much, but during season 9 when he built Scarland he also began doing a lot more circus again. He was using mobility aids by that point and finally had enough energy to do it.

Which brings us to timeline B.

In timeline B, Scar's career goals involved being an imagineer. As a result, he handled being disabled a lot differently.

He always considered himself unfit as a child. He hated sports with a burning passion. He was also the sick kid, always. He was rarely ever at school, he struggled to make friends because he was never able to hang out, and any extracurriculars he signed up for he almost always ended up flaking out on.

Him realising he was disabled went quite similarly to timeline A. During his mid-teens, he realised he was actually Experiencing Something and not just lazy/unmotivated/all the things he had been told his whole life. Unlike timeline A, his plans for his life were not exactly something he felt as though he could not do as a mobility aid user.

It radically changed his life when he became a wheelchair user. For the first time, he was actually able to function and exist and it was the best thing ever. He had the energy to truly dedicate himself to his plans of becoming an imagineer.

The thing about circus is it appears in all sorts of places. In particular, amusement parks. At least in Australia where I live, which is the country this setting is most like anyway. Like in timeline A, Scar had always loved it as a kid. Especially when amusement parks he visited had circus performers during special festivals and things like that, it was just the coolest.

Scar had a problem with living a very sedentary lifestyle. It was not great before he got a wheelchair, due to him being bedridden often (not that he realised that was what it was at the time), but even worse afterwards. So his physio encouraged him to pursue a physical hobby.

Which is where he discovered that he had three circus studios near-by.

As much as he loved the circus, but did not exactly consider it a possibility. It was in the same category to him as like being a Jedi or something, actually being a circus performer just was not really real to him.

Calling him was excited was an understatement, to say the least.

Unlike timeline A, it was not a smooth journey. He was not really all that strong. He loved it all the same, but for the first year and a half of him doing circus, his progress was pretty stagnant.

Until he got on testosterone.

Did I forget to mention he is transgender? He is always transgender to me. (In timeline A he got his player code altered for the record. But he is the sort of genderfuck man where he thought his tits made him hot (because they do) and preferred a t-dick over a penis. Just in case people wanted to know.)

Anyway, one of the changes he was most looking forward to was the increase in strength. He was quite disappointed when after quite a few months he did not actually get that much stronger. He did get more muscles, but they did not really seem to work.

Then, suddenly, like 8 months in, well after he had given up hope, he suddenly was just a lot stronger.

It motivated him enough to really dedicate himself to his training.

In this timeline, he really did not like basing. He felt as though his body was just too unreliable to let himself trust others' wellbeing with it. He would, sometimes, just because he was a big boy (I maintain my headcanon that he is short, however. Vex hybrid.) but he never really liked it.

He really only did the things that he truly found passion in, as he had a limited amount of energy for his training.

I want to say that Scar still is an ambulatory wheelchair user after beginning to do circus. He uses his wheelchair so he has enough energy to do circus. For a while he felt really awkward about it, he did not want people from circus to know that he used a wheelchair and he did not want anyone who knew he used a wheelchair to know he did circus. But as he grew up a bit more, became an adult, he really stopped caring what others thought of him.

I suppose I should say my headcanons for what apparatuses he uses. I headcanon that he uses (static) trapeze, lyra mostly as his aerial apparatuses, although teardrop (also called hammock) has a special place in his heart. As for ground work, hula hooping and leviwand.

I am going to inform you of his journey in discovering these passions.

Right when he first began his training, he was really interested in drops. It drew him to silks, initially, but he just was not strong enough for it at the time.

He found himself then drawn to apparatuses like trapeze and lyra instead, as even with his limited strength at the time he still could do some tricks. He actually avoided verticals (silks and teardrop) for a long time, as they were just too strengthy for his tastes.

Especially with lyra, everything always looked so beautiful on lyra. It is the worst and most painful apparatus in the entire world (author bias, I hate lyra) but he was used to pain. Besides, everything in circus hurt. That was just how circus was. Even if lyra was a bit more painful than others. (It is the worst I hate it I hate it so much owie owie owie :[ <- does lyra for fun sometimes (Although I would never ever train it I am not crazy.))

Scar tried teardrop at one point and was beyond shocked at how little it hurt. He did not know an aerial apparatus could feel so gentle! (He thought this until he started trying wraps, and discovered the pinching was its own special kind of hell.)

He was excited, because with teardrop he could do drops like he had always wanted to. He trained up for it. Then, when his trainer deemed him strong enough, he tried his first ever drop. It was sort of like this, I am imagining, although I cannot find a video of what I actually mean. The point is he flipped over himself like that.

He discovered that his body just could not do it.

He was so dizzy after it it was a wonder he did not pass out while still up there.

He was absolutely crushed and heart broken, as that was the one thing he had always been so excited for. He figured he should have seen it coming, as he did not do tumbling for that exact reason, but he really had not.

Since he was not able to do the tricks he actually wanted to on verticals, he decided he was not going to do them. He did not for the longest time. (Although, eventually he began doing silks and teardrop every so often for the fun of it. He ended up really liking teardrop. While he never dedicated himself to training it enough that he felt he could perform it, he still just loved it.)

I will say that was a lot of what his initial bit into circus was. Discovering things he really wanted to do were just not things his body could handle. He really had to let go of a lot of things he wanted to do, and instead focus on what he could actually do. He found he really could not do all the dynamic tricks he really, really admired in others, but he found his own soft and gentle performing style that really worked for him.

It was difficult, but he grew to really like it in the end. It was very queer to him, being a man who performed in such elegant and graceful ways. So gender as well. It was not actually until he saw a man do a particularly beautiful straps performance (from which he wanted to do straps, but knew he never could) that he began to really appreciate his own circus style.

At least that is how it went with aerials.

Scar found he could do very little ground work. Hand balancing was what he was initially drawn to, but he quickly found that his wrists would dislocate every single time he tried. Same with acrobalance (In timeline A, he had enough muscles built up from being a builder he did not really run into that issue.) and tumbling. Tumbling also involved flipping and he just could not do it, his POTS would not allow him.

The groundwork he could do was primarily manipulation. He tried all sorts of different things. It actually took quite a while before he progressed in any of it, because he was splitting himself across too much.

Eventually, he picked hula hooping as his primary ground work. He loved it so much. It was just so much fun to him. He thought it was so cool to take this object most people were familiar with from their childhoods and do amazing tricks with it. Especially when he began performing it (which, I will get to in a minute) he felt as though it let the kids in the audience see something relatable amongst all the cool and crazy, and he hoped it inspired them to do some circus themselves.

Leviwand was his other favourite. (I actually just remembered I have one and I should probably train it more, as I can do that on my favourite ground work apparatus rolla bolla. Anyway.) He just thought it was the coolest thing. It looked like magic. It was just remarkable and so cool and literally just physics.

(Bonus: In versions of this where Scar did, in fact, have magic, he would absolutely do circus with it. I might talk about that another time.)

Now I wish to state a bit of his circus journey, in regards to it being a job. He did not ever intend for it to be, for a long time. He had about two months when he first started that he kind of wanted to turn it into one, but it was just a hobby really. It wasn't until he was in his early 20s (in university doing double architecture and engineering bachelors) he realised he could actually apply to do circus at an amusement park's seasonal event. He did. He got in. He got to perform and get paid for it.

He essentially stumbled his way into paid work. It was not long after that he was offered a position as a trainer at his circus studio (which, he had been living on the disability pension up until that point due to not being able to find a job that he could physically do).

Then he found himself putting his university course on pause for six months so he could tour with a big top circus.

I truly believe it was the most fun he ever had, but he realised he could not actually have that as a viable career option. He was not medically fit to drive, his body could not handle having to set up the tent and clean and all that maintenance stuff, and he really did not make that much money. Enough to survive, sure, if being disabled was not so expensive and if he did not already have student debt.

So he finished up his university course while working part-time as a circus trainer. Once he graduated, for a while he took up a more standard engineering job. Then he found his niche in applying his degrees to circus stuff, and actually ended up working for Cirque Du Soleil creating their insane sets.

While he was never a Cirque Du Soleil performer himself (Do you have any idea how insane their intake process is? He would not be qualified for it even if he somehow managed to pass the health checks. Not to mention, you audition for a chance to be contacted to be in a show. No way.) he was so, so excited that he got to make such amazing things happen.

He still was a casual performer, usually taking up gigs that just happened to come his way, or doing performances with circus studios he was with.

But it was remarkable to him how he got to combine his first love of being an imagineer with his second love of circus into such a beautiful thing. He could not get over it, he just loved what he did.

When it came to being a performer himself, he definitely used his architecture and engineering degrees for his own personal passion projects too. He always had some new idea for a new cool show, and found himself the head of many remarkable contemporary circus performances.

In particular, he had this whole superhero based play/musical/circus performance with drama and conflict and betrayal. It all began when started to consider how he could put his love for archery into a show and his friend misheard him saying, "Like Hawkeye," as "Like Hotguy." Then he joked about having his best friend (or lover, up to you) play the role of Hawkeye's rival-turned-lover Cuteguy, and the rest was history.

(I also have some circus Grian headcanons. As in, I think Scar dragged everyone he ever knew into circus. It did not stick for all of them, but Grian realised that since he was an Avian he could just do fun flying tricks and it was considered circus. He liked that. What made him love it was doing it with Scar, the way Scar would come up with a million crazy ideas and make brilliant performances. Scar's love for it really rubbed off on him, and he found himself doing the same.)

Anyway. The Hotguy play/musical/circus performance was Scar's baby. It was so fun and silly and camp, while also having these serious moments that really hurt you.

It actually got quite big, and he got to tour it.

Anyway.

I have run out of thoughts.

I just love circus and I love Scar.

[wisteria-lodge]

A question for you: would you sort a living person with whom you are not in communication, and without her express consent, but whose words and deeds are very much on public display? Specifically: J.K. Rowling sure thinks of herself as a heroic Lion Primary; what’s your call?

I have spent a long time thinking about this lady. Possibly too long. But here's what I've got.

She's a Bird. She *likes* Lion primaries, and she likes them in that way a lot of Birds do - Lions feel magical and moral and easy and good. That's why Gryffindor is her good-guy house, and that's why Gryffindors always get a pass when they do shady things. They were always doing it for good reasons, because that's just how Lion primaries are. They know what's good, just by kind of feeling it.

(obviously this isn't at all how it feels to be a Lion primary, but it can SEEM that way, if you're outside looking in.)

And so she likes Lion primaries, and surrounds herself with Lion primaries. And over time, seems to have filtered for the most fiery, if-you're-not-with-me-you're-my-enemy Exploded Lions imaginable. This could also be why she's not interrogating emotional pings when she really should. Like it's heartbreaking to read some of her essays - like, no JKR, that's not a reason, that's a trauma response you ought to be getting help for. But she thinks there's inherent goodness with going with your heart over your head.

Which is also probably why, for the last two decades, she's been slowly surrounding herself only with people who agree with her - effectively Exploding her own Bird primary. She is notoriously stubborn and difficult to work with, and I have that from first hand accounts... but just think how much better an editor could have made books 4-7. Or the Fantastic Beasts films. Or the Cursed Child (we all sort of collectively forgot about the Cursed Child.)

But I see the Bird! I see the Idealism, I see the mind that likes puzzles, and systems, and mysteries. And then I see her just kinda... be lazy about it. Not think though the implications. Be happy with only a very surface-level understanding. Not edit, or update, or interrogate her system. (We know that her worldbuilding is sloppy. We know she grabs existing problematic tropes and then kind of uses them as-is.)

The more I dig into to her, the more I'll come across bits of her system that just seem very... young. They'll be things like 'Good people have kids, or if they can't, then they take care of kids.' Or 'People with mobility aids are good.' That's one's so weird I just have to bring it up. It's very consistent, and comes with the reverse - 'People who use mobility aids they don't need are evil.' Barty Crouch jr. is the HP example, but that situation comes up like - a weird amount in her mystery novels.

(also, I can't prove it, but I think Lucius Malfoy got a much more sympathetic edit after Jason Isaacs started playing him with a cane. Of course that could also be just because... he has a kid... so he can't be BAD.)

Harry Potter, the character, is also very much a Bird Primary. When he acts on really strong emotions it's because they're - yep, trauma responses. Mostly he's trying to figure out his world, synthesize everything Dumbledore and the Weasleys and Hagrid and Sirius tell him, in order to build his own system.

And he's a really loud Lion secondary, the way I suspect JKR is too. Her response to all of this has just been to double down, do MORE, be LOUDER. If her royalties, or the reputation of her IP take a hit, she honestly does not seem to care.

She's not stupid and she's not evil. Hermione was a complicated, fascinating female lead. JKR has an incredible knack for side characters. The books have good stuff to stay about grief, and depression, and I know it gets memed now, but it was a big deal (for me) when she said Dumbledore was gay. But this is how I think you can get someone who starts out in a reasonable place, and gets more and more out of touch, and harmful and wrong and dangerous - when locked into one way of seeing the world, and no one with the ability to contradict you.

[sleepingdeath-light]

adopting a child with type 1 usher’s syndrome hcs ; brandy cattle

requested by ; anonymous (28/12/23)

fandom(s) ; bluey

fandom masterlist(s) ; here

character(s) ; brandy cattle

outline ; “can you do headcanons for Brandy with an adopted gn!child with Usher's Syndrome (specifically Type 1, meaning the child is born completely Deaf, has balance problems from birth, sight deteriorates over time and in early teens is gone completely)”

note ; i am, obviously, no expert on usher’s syndrome so a lot of these headcanons is based on brandy trying to make life easier for her child and trying to accommodate them before and after their adoption (+ some bonus bits at the end of the reader befriending their cousins)

warning(s) ; none, just fluff!

of course when she adopted you, even before the process had started really moving toward, she had been made aware of your condition and the accommodations she would need to make in order to make her home safe and suited to you — and, of course, she got to work on setting everything up almost immediately after she was told about that list

she scoured the internet and local libraries for any and all resources relating to usher’s syndrome and how it would affect you as you aged — more specifically what she can do as your parent to help make your life as easy and as normal as possible without being overbearing and intrusive

she also made sure to research any and all local schools to try and find one that is regarded well by past students and parents, and that can properly accommodate your needs as you learn and grow

regarding your hearing loss: she started taking sign language classes a few months before your adoption was finalised, making sure that she had a strong familiarity with the basics of conversation and enough to identify what you need in the moment at the very least so that she could actually converse with you as mother and child once you finally came home with her

she also keeps on top of any implants or hearing devices you choose to use — making sure that you don’t have to have them in when you don’t want to/things get a bit too overwhelming, and that they’re always working as they should (she has a lot of spare batteries lying around for your hearing aids)

regarding your early loss of night vision: she makes a point of purchasing small lights and placing them around the house in places where you’re both most likely to frequent at night (namely the hallway between your room and the bathroom, her bedroom, your bedroom, the pathway to the kitchen, and a few other spots after she’s become familiar with your routine and knows where you’re more likely to go)

she also makes sure to set up frequent and consistent appointments at the optometrist so that you can both keep on top of the deterioration of your vision as you age, making sure that you always have the accommodations you need so long as you’re with her

(honestly she arranges lots of specialist and general appointments for you because she wants to keep on top of any changes or deteriorations relating to your condition — it may be annoying sometimes but it’s better than being caught off guard by a loss of certain vision or a deterioration in your balance that the both of you have to rush into addressing and accommodating at the last second)

she also starts to incorporate braille tags into her home early on to make the transition to using them easier on you as your sight continues to deteriorate — and by the time they start to become necessary for you, you’re already familiar with braille reading and the specific tags around your home so it’s not as much of a struggle as it may have been otherwise

and, finally, when it comes to your balance related problems: she takes you shopping with her to find a mobility aid that you like and that is best suited to your specific issues (which then leads to a fun afternoon bonding activity involving decorating your new aid), and when you’re at home she’s never too far away for you to ask for a hand when you can’t be bothered reaching for your aid yet

she makes sure that you’re able to be as independent and as self sufficient as possible but as your adopted mother she can’t help but want to take care of you and will happily step in to look after everything if you ask and just need a break or want to be coddled for the day

(that’s what mums are for, after all!)

but beyond all of that she treats you the same as she would if you didn’t have usher’s syndrome — you’re still the kid she’s been waiting to have her whole life, the centre of her little world, and she’s gonna love you with her whole heart no matter what

of course you still end up frequently visiting your cousins and aunt and uncle, who never make a big deal of your condition beyond making sure that you have what you need — bingo and bluey just think your mobility aid is super cool looking and the adults don’t treat you any differently unless it involves catching you before you fall or using another non-verbal way of getting your attention when you’re playing with your cousins

bluey and bingo also start picking up bits and pieces of sign language from you and brandy and incorporate it into their play with you and their other friends — usually as some sort of super secret code you can all use to talk about something without the grownups knowing

[consider-your-potatoes-mashed]

Felt like I might as well make an intro post to pin on my page so here goes…

Heyo! I’m Lia and I am a 20 year old disabled college student studying marine biology!

So some stuff about me:

- I swear A LOT so please keep that in mind it’s a big part of how I speak. I will do my best be respectful on other people’s blogs and posts when they request I not swear/curse but this is my blog and as such I will speak how I wish

- If I do ever say something offensive please please please let me know and I will adjust accordingly l want to learn and do better

- I am a saphic/lesbian/queer nonbinary/agender person (I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love very much (they use they/them pronouns))

- I use any pronouns though people typically use she/they pronouns for me based on how I present though I do kinda want to try out ‘e/‘im/‘is pronouns as those resonate with me

- I am a mobility aid user (cane and forearm crutches)

- I am physically disabled and deal with a lot of chronic pain and hypermobility as well as POTS

- I am also autistic (relatively low support needs)

- I have a lot of special interests which I’ll list below

- I’m a massive nerd and bookworm

- I consider myself a bit of a maker (I like to recreate movie props for display and cosplay) and everything I’ve made I’ve made completely by hand (no 3D printing) out of cardboard and EVA foam and hot glue/superglue

- I am super open about a lot of things so you can ask me anything you want and of course if I don’t want to answer it I won’t and this section is always subject to change based on evolving boundaries and what not so if something ends up making me uncomfortable I will probably update this to ask that I not be asked about that

- I talk a lot about my struggles as a disabled person and a lot about accessibility but I am also very new to accepting that I am disabled so again if I misspeak or anything please correct me

The special interests I can think of right now are

- marine biology

- biology in general

- the ocean in general

- corals and jellyfish (Cnidarians)

- scuba diving and snorkeling

- stuffed animals

- books (especially fantasy and dystopian and science fiction)

- comics and graphic novels

- cartoons (specifically Scooby-Doo and Phineas and Ferb)

- TV (mythbusters and dirty jobs being the longest running ones)

- disability rights and accessibility (relatively new)

- marvel and dc movies

- recreating movie props

- Scooby-Doo again cause I feel like I need to emphasize that

- Access, equity, and equality in education

- weird facts about anything and everything (I know a little bit about a shit load of things)

- Punk music and culture (I don’t really “look” punk (to me though there isn’t really one way to look punk) but I definitely feel very aligned with it)

- D&D

Many of these interests I’ve had since I was a young child but some of my former interests include:

- construction (specifically construction equipment)

- physics (this one has been lost due to my disdain for physics classes I still find it interesting but geez I am bad at physics omg)

- Chemistry (I still like it I’m just not obsessed with it anymore)

- Baseball (I still love the sport and watch it when I can but again it’s not an active special interest)

[lipiaknight]

A document of all the abuse ive been dealing with.

Mobility aids

ive told my bf many, many times not to adjust the height of my cane and crutches to fuck with me. He does it anyway because "seeing you wobble is cute" ive told him so many times why its not cute and its incredibly dnagerous to me, but he goes "yeah, but you always adjust it when you change your shoes, how is this any different" for referance, i have a set of demoldable skates that change my height by a good 5-6 inches when open, so i adjust my crustches and cane to accomidate. i wear them when going out for longer time periods because if my legs get tired or my hips start to hurt, i can lock my legs and just skate around. For shorter trips, or around the house, i obvously wear flat shoes, and dont have the extra height, so i adjust them lower its annoying as hell. i also tell him not to put weight on my crutches specifically because i have a wide rubber foot, and theres a weight limit before it will start to rip. when he holds one of my crutches (like if im going to pick someting up, or pay for something) he leans against it. Last time i got mad, he said "its not that expencive to replace the foot, just get a new one" run down to vent chat if you want a very long and in dept explination as to why that is problematic hes 50 lbs over the weight limit, btw

Isolation and lack of aid

Yeah, when my car broke down, i asked if they could help pay to fix my car so i could still work. That way i could get a job in tulsa. I was told no. Every time i asked to borrow the car, and said i could handle something myself, i was forced to have bf or gf go with me. Any time i asked specifically to go alone so i could run errands like get shots, set up appointments and such, i was told no. I even went out of my way to schedule my last doctors appointment when they werent going to be home bcause they had a date and they cancled it so they would be there when i left and when i got back. I planned on walking home and enjoying the sunny day, but they didnt let me walk because it was too far. Not even a mile, and i had my crutches. I tried making friends at my old workplace, but i was working with my bf as the manager, and he repremanded the one friend i had for wasting time on the clock while chatting with me. Its why i have no friends.

The original "i need help" summary

so, first things first. Im not able to work a job down here. I cant make any money, and so because the people im living with refuse to help with medical expences, all my tests and medical equipment is getting stalled. I dont even have my own dresser because ive been told to "get it yourself" when i have no reasonable way to make money. The only thing i can reliably do is comissions and streaming, and even then, income isnt consistant, and its barely enough to cover the medical expences i have. On top of that, when we needed to budget, one of the things that were "limited" were meal replacement shakes, which, when i have days i cant eat at all, is the only way i get neutriance in my system. Im scolded and yelled at when i dont push my body to the point of collapsing, and when i do collapse, im coddled like a child because im injured when it could have been prevented. When i said that what im experiancing is financial abuse because they refuse to support me in the ways that i need and my EBT card is used without my knowlege, my bf threatened to get violent. Even directly told me he wanted to wake me by putting a hole through the door. Im not allowed to vent to friends, and all my social media is watched without my consent, even after i tell them not to because of how my therapist taught me to manage my anger. When i got angry about the ableism and abuse, i was told i have narsisstic, self victimising tendancies, and im scared that ill be put in a place where not even my basic needs are met. its been slowly getting worse and worse over the past 2 years, but i finally feel like its bad enough to reach out

Boundry crossing

i told (my gf) not to go through my DM's when i first moved in because 1) i dont have my old groomers blocked, and i have (cw, grooming bullshit) pictures and messages of me when i was a minor in various states of undress, places where i vent and say things in the worst possible way thanks to autism and the way i process language (example calling it financial abuse when im not given an allowance to buy medical supplies and not having a consistant income as well as them taking my EBT card and using it without my input) and also just... generally flirting with ppl because im poly and i know she has jealousy issues, and instead of respecting that, she did it anyway, and didnt feel guilty till bf said he was dissapointed in her. THEN she told me, and was STILL angry about the way i talked about her, and what i said

unreasonable list of responcibilities while my needs are sidelined

Me: ah yes, My disability making me unable to do chores is the problem, and not the internalised ableism that you aknowlege and refuse to confront because youre tired from work. Get into therapy/nbh context: the only ongoing argument between my gf and i is that she wants me to clean more. The expectations of me are, and i quote

-vaccum every 3 days (the vaccum is to heavu and i have repepatedly asked for a lighter one so i can)

-wash and put away the dishes (hands over head make me pass out. I have broken dishes before. That and i have alot of trauma around doing dishes as a task, so i get really bad anxiety and they ignore me asking for comfort)

-feed, water, animals as well as take care of litter (but im not alowed to claim the animals are mine? because that makes her upset?)

-take out trash every other day (trash doesnt filll that often, and ive been fighting for me to have healther food and drinks so theres less waste. I create less than a quarter of the waste in this house)

-meal prep for BF to cook (and also make their work lunches, and take care of portioning ect)

ALL OF THIS while also having a physical disability that makes it incredibly difficult to stand / walk without pain, in a house that is so unaccessable that- on days i can get out of bed but barely, i cant leave my room because of steps and caving in floors, and STILL doing my youtube, twitch, AND comission carreer. Shes getting upset that im not able to do it all and is CONSTANTLY lecturing me because she "doesnt want to treat (me) like a child, but (im) acting like one by not helping out" i cant even fucking move away because theres no accessable jobs in my area and my previous jobs arent an option anymore because of how covid affected the people i worked for. i keep telling her to get into therapy for her PTSD and for her ableism, but ONE failed therapist appointment means she compleatly fucking dropped out. what makes it worse is that my BF is encouraging this behavior. by not telling her off i mean

Person 1: that's too much chores like objectively that is a not sustainable or normal amount of chores. also the animal thing is concerning too

Me: BuT tHeY wOrK 8 hOuRs a DaY. i ShOuLd Be AbLe To HaNdLe It (translation: but they work 8 hours a day. I should be able to handle it)

Person 1: she also shouldn't be infantilizing you for having issues regulating a large amount of tasks. are they much older than you?. youre still quite young, is that your first time living alone?

Me: im 20. shes 35 and hes 38 (yes i recognise how problematic that is)

Person 2 (responding to person 1) Definitely not for sure. Might be reasonable for an able bodied person maybe, but definitely not reasonably with your disability.

Person 1: age gaps can work when the relationship is built on trust, communication, and understanding.

Person 1 (responding to person 2): meal prep plus dishes plus vacuuming every three days is already a not normal amount

Me (responding to person 1): kinda? i lived in an apartment with a roomate before this, but she was a VERY tidy person, and we both owned very few things, and the apartment was highly accessable. The bathroom was even a reporpoused walk in closet, so i could have had a wheelchair if i wanted at the time and been able to navigate fine

Person 2: Everyone in my house has allergies, especially to dust, and my mom only vacuums once a week, so every 3 days seems ridiculous.

Me: we have 3 animals that we dont groom, and theyre allergic to pollen. They want me to care for the pollen... instead of... i dunno, not getting a hottub and saving up for an air purifier?

Person 1: this is sounding more and more like they want a live-in cleaner. them choosing to work 8 hour shifts does not mean you don't get to have choices and a life

Me: BTW, did i mention they got a hottub? like... less than a week ago? after i had been asking for a fucking dresser for months because i dont have anywhere to put my clean clothes and towels and the pet hair on my skin after i shower causes meltdowns

Person 2: Chores should be split equitably, not equally. (2 people responded with a This emote)

Me: it doesnt even have to be brand fucking new. I will be happy with a 50$ dresser covered in shitty paint from goodwill. i just need a place i can put my clean clothes. Also, did i mention that theres wasps on the back porch, where the drier is? and my family has a history of being allergic to wasps? so i panic when i go out there to wash, dry and put away laundry that i cant even fucking put away, and they treat it like im fucking manipulating them. im sorry that i dont know if im allergic or not and ther seriousness of the allergy has put people in the er and even killed family members, and im not willing to risk that. They like "just do laundry at night" as if its not too cold to walk outside. THEY DONT EVEN DO LAUNDRY AT NIGHT BECAUSE ITS TOO FUCKING COLD. they expect my coping mechanisms to make me healthy and normal. They dont realise im fucking coping, not healing.

Me (responding to person 2): but its easy for them! should be easy for me!! /sarc

Person 1: (My name censored) I gotta say this doesn't sound like a safe situation for you to be in. (person 2 agrees)

Me: its not. It never fucking was. Heres a bit of fun math for you! i turn 21 in august. my bf and i's 3 year anneversary will be the following january. my options at the time when i moved in with them were to either move back in with my mom (which was objectivly worse than this) or drive 14 hours, alone (because my gf didnt want to drive an hour in the snow to fly bf to drive with me) and have a place to stay with people who said they loved me, or become houseless. I was in a tripple loose situation. and now im fucking stuck. Im undervalued, scolded constantly, unsafe due to both location and their behavior, and unable to work or drive because my junker of a car died. Im stuck and theres nothing i can do. i just... im tired. i dont want to be here. I want to be able to move somewhere that i will be safe and get the care i need

More information on the "messing with my disability aids" from earlier

Me: ive told my bf many, many times not to adjust the height of my cane and crutches to fuck with me. He does it anyway because "seeing you wobble is cute". i just-...

Person A: ????? thats so fucked up

Person B: What the actual fuck??

Person A: "seeing you struggle to walk even more than usual is amusing to me" thats what that means

Person B: "I broke your kneecaps because it's adorable watching you struggle 📷"

Person A: my wife wont even touch my mobility aids without asking

Me: ive told him so many times why its not cute and its incredibly dnagerous to me, but he goes "yeah, but you always adjust it when you change your shoes, how is this any different"

Person A: that's.......not the same thing... one is getting dressed and ready to go out somewhere, and the other is being harassed and having to fix what was messed up

Me: for referance, i have a set of demoldable skates that change my height by a good 5-6 inches when open, so i adjust my crustches and cane to accomidate. i wear them when going out for longer time periods because if my legs get tired or my hips start to hurt, i can lock my legs and just skate around. For shorter trips, or around the house, i obvously wear flat shoes, and dont have the extra height, so i adjust them lower. its annoying as hell. i also tell him not to put weight on my crutches specifically because i have a wide rubber foot, and theres a weight limit before it will start to rip. when he holds one of my crutches (like if im going to pick someting up, or pay for something) he leans against it. Last time i got mad, he said "its not that expencive to replace the foot, just get a new one". hes 50 lbs over the weight limit, btw

Person C: i’ll beat his ass

Me: i would encourage it, but im still living with him. not yet. gimme 2 months

Person A: i hate to ask this kind of question, but if hes treating you that way is not being with him an option?

Me: siigh. (not at you, jsut alot of info hang on)

Person A: u don't have to answer if u don't want to. no pressure

Me: so, i am working on running away. In order to do so, ive done the math and to get on my feet, ill need between 2 and 2.5k$. 2.5k if were including transportation (my food will be covered by SNAP) I have a plane tiket out on the 20th, and i have a place to stay. Im not sharing my entire plan in this discord because my discord DM's are read. Not my servers, though, but im not willing to play with the chances of my plan being ruined. Im working on getting a job now, and fundraising to get the 2.5 needed to cover my first months expences via both comissions and donations, but its not going anywhere. im at 400 now. Thats it. if i break up with him, ill be kicked out. If i bring up the fact that im being abused, he will get violent. He already has in the past and swung at me. I cant work where i live due to lack of a car and lack of accessable jobs. Im in the process of running away now. just takes time. "why dont you get out sooner?" saving money takes time. Plus, my aunt is the one buying the ticket. I want to avoid holiday prices. more likely ill get a bit extra once im down here "what took you so long to realise it was bad?" love bombing and getting into a relationship with a 35 and 37 year old at 18 when i didnt know their ages and they didnt say when asked, "Has he hit you before?" no. Hes swung and missed, hit walls, put holes in doors and furnature, but hasnt techincally hit me yet. I dont expect that to last. "are you safe right now?" as long as i keep my head down and mouth sut about my plans, yes. Ill be fine (edited)

Person A: wow, im sorry you're having to go through that, but im proud of you for taking the steps you're taking. its incredibly difficult to do what youre doing, but you'll be better off for it (edited)

Me: i just wish the fundraising was working. also, clearifying that ill be leaving january 20th, not dec 20th

Person A: i hope you're able to make up the money

Me: ive been referring to it as "the 20th" with my friends to make it harder to discern. Also, all of my dm's about the situation have been in code, as well as cyphered. for F, i just use enji, for T i use enji plus a 6- cypher, and pictography using emotes plus enji for M1 (names of my friends cencored for my safety)

Person A: that's pretty cool!

Me: this is now the third time ive had to run away somewhere else for my own safety. Its jut the first time ive had to do so with so few resources. Im really good at runaway notes, cryptography, and secret messages. when i post on tiktok, i use the simplist secret code there is so my bf and gf cant see it. just... write out your message with the first letter of a sentance

My public harrassment being brushed off and ignored

Me: The thing that pisses me off, is the one time I tried to use the scooter at Walmart because I was shopping for he house alone for the first time in a while, I got scolded by an employee for not walking. When I explained that I hurt myself getting out of my car, otherwise I would use my mobility aids, she said "if you're hurt, go to the doctor. Don't be lazy" then stormed off. This was before I was medicated for my anxiety, so I just had a panic attack. I mean... How does one even respond to that???

Person W: run her over

Person Y: eat her

Person X: (replying to person W) Not with the scooter, with a car

Me: This is the same worker who saw me without my cane on a good day and asked where it was because, and I quote "I thought all you crippleds need those"

Person Y: wtf

Person Z: Going to a doctor isn't an immediate thing. You don't get hurt and then immediately see a doctor and immediately get treated. It doesn't work like that. And injuries don't immediately go away the moment that you see a doctor either.

Person Y: also has she considered that not all people have access to doctors

Person Z: ^this too

Person Y: ALSO has she considered that doctors can be busy and not have time to see you

Me: She's also the same one who told me I wasn't allowed to wear the demoldable skates I like to use when my mobility is low because I can just lock my knees and be dragged around. Like a wheelchair, but worse!

Person X: You should report her to management. (4 people reacted with a "this" emote)

Me: Fun fact! I am allowed to wear them in Walmart, it's perfectly fine. There's a size limit to the wheels allowed indoors, but it's allowed.

Person W: this is some sort of harassment

Me: Probably.

Person W: you can report it

Person X: this woman never speak again challenge

Me: She doesn't bother me when I'm with my bf and gf, so I didn't bring it up due to anxiety, and Havnt talked to her since I got on meds, but I'm just thinking, and just.... Fuck, man... I let alot of shit slide because of my anxiety in the past that I shouldn't have

Person W: did you tell your partners? they both may be able to help you report it

Me: I did, but their responce was basically "just don't talk to her, you basically never leave the house anyway" which is true, but it was annoying to hear. I dunno, I can't really go anywhere on my own as is, so it's not like anything changes considering how uncomfy she makes me, but still....

threats of violence

M1: The other day I realized That your bf and gf are my siblings in law kind. I think I will show my love by being feral toward them. I will just growl at them and bite them but in a fond way. except your gf. She scares me. Just a little. Not too much because I’m the biggest man

Me: they dont really like you

M1: that’s valid actually. I was just joking. being silly if you will. I’m sorry I didn’t know- I thought they did like me- I was trying to warm up to them and shit /gen. It’s okay that they don’t like me though that’s fine

Me: (context, i had taken an edible to manage my anxiety) Ok, i need to type this out while im still sober, its important. i told them about your financial abuse thing, and it made them both angry. Bf violently so. they basically said to stay out of our relationship, so they dont like you. As far as they know, im not talking to you for a few days. In reality, i wasnt talking to anyone relly, not just you

M1: Oh. I don’t like that they don’t like me because of that.

Me: same here

M1: They don’t have to like me because I’m annoying and not chill n shit. That’s fine. But because I said that they were abusive? And telling me to stay out of it? That’s fucked. I don’t feel like you’re safe there. I don’t like that. Be careful. I wish I could help but the only thing I could do is ask someone to help me help you financially get out. And you don’t know my parents like that and you wouldn’t want their help

Me: Bf desnt want to be called an abuser period. His ex claimed he was an abuser and still uses that as a method of earning money.

M1: that is…. A red flag. so is his ex don’t get me wrong

Me: he was really angry when he heard that. He told me that if it werent for his "spirtual council" (the spirits helping to manage his anger) he would have "put a hole through that door to wake you. Thats how angry i was". He seriously scared me, so i havnt talked to him much since

M1: That’s bad. That’s really bad. You know that right? Like that’s not good

Me: yeah

M1: Okay cool just checking. You wanna leave? Do you want out?

Me: im not entirely sure, if im being honest. i care alot alot, and i do love them, but what he said made me litterally feel sick.

M1: I know

Me: they emphasised that if the idea that they were abusive came from me and not you, the options were to 1) kick me out, 2) force me to get a job and start paying rent and break up with me, or to "call your mom, and have her come pick you up"

M1: That’s horrible. They’re fucking horrible. and I know you love them and I’m sorry

Me: im just... so scared. I know i cant support myself with how bad my body is. and i love them so much. The way Bf kept talking about being so mad he wanted to hurt me, then immedantly relaxed when he heared that the idea came from you.... Fuck, now i remember why these memories were kept from me lol

Closing thoughts

There is so much more, but when i made the deicision to run away, alot of my messages were deleted for my own safety while i make plans. As written above, My DM's are read, and my main account on here is also read without my consent. If you happen to have advice, Please hit up my DM's

[sanssouci-sims]

johnny zest is a good man (not clickbait i swear)

I never thought a townie would grow on me (I’ve largely ignored them for the most part), but Johnny Zest did. Let me tell you why!

HE’S GOT A LITTLE GIRL, GUYS. //sniff

What’s that? I’m automatically going to call him a good man just because he had a daughter? Why yes, I am. Sure, it seems bland at face value, but with the magic of ✨ 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔 ✨, I’m going to make it better.

You see, I first heard about Johnny Zest through The Sims Freeplay (basically a mobile Sims game and literally the FIRST Sims game I’ve ever played that introduced me to this stupid franchise to begin with), and honestly? He came off as absolute GARBAGE. In that game, he’s meant to (from what I remember) supervise a whole task line in a neighborhood where you’re supposed to complete a series of tasks to like... repair stuff in houses within that neighborhood? I think???? You have to complete them within a specific time limit though, or else you’ll have to shell out virtual money (or use actual money to buy more of said currency) to like, buy extra time, I think. And he’d give you something like an “extra zesty” grand prize if you completed everything in time.  I don’t know about you, but I mean like any mobile game riddled with micro-transactions, the whole thing is awfully cash-grabby (you know, like the Landgraabs). Plus, he generally just comes off as a creep like a few other Freeplay NPCs.

When I started playing TS4, I found out Johnny would also be in this game as a playable townie. And I groaned.

Like many of my other townies, I would ignore him for the most part. He lived in a trailer, wanted to be a stand-up comedian, and had no relationships with anyone (in addition to being disowned by his own family). He was a loser for all I cared.

One day, when I was looking for a household to play in Oasis Springs, and I found that Johnny had a new little face with him.

Meet Isabelle Zest, and here is how I think she came into Johnny’s life.

As mentioned previously, Johnny Zest had no one in his life. His family had long since cut him off ever since he said he wanted to become a comedian, and his parents refused to provide him any financial support to get him started on his feet. Fortunately, he was able to slowly progress in his career in entertainment to the point where he was able to scrounge enough money to upgrade his housing situation from a trailer to a modest one-story home.

Still, Johnny would always come home at the end of his work day to an empty house. He just wanted someone to share some joy with.  He wasn’t sure how this randomly crossed his mind, but one day, he decided he wanted to just... have a child. Obviously, he wasn’t just going to go start one with a random woman. In fact, he always thought he was very awkward with girls. Instead, he searched online for adoption centers near him that were looking to place children in loving homes. After a while of scrolling, he stumbled across a little girl named Isabelle.

Not only was her picture adorable, but she was described as a quiet but sweet girl who liked to smile and learn about new things. She was also almost nearly deaf and needed to wear hearing aids.  Johnny was intrigued and booked an appointment to visit the adoption center. There, he met Isabelle for the first time!

Johnny was a little nervous at first, but seeing Isabelle smiling at him just being himself tugged at his heartstrings. By the end of his visit, all Isabelle wanted to do was to just follow him around and give him hugs.

After a few more meetings, Johnny decided he wanted to adopt Isabelle. He had to fill out what felt like a multitude of paperwork and scrounge up a lot more money, but after a while, he was finally able to finalize everything and take Isabelle home!

There wasn’t really any time to settle down, however, as Johnny still had to work, obviously. But when he does have free time, he makes sure to spend it with Isabelle. In the meantime, though, when he’s assigned work to complete at home, he usually does it in the dining room where he can watch Isabelle, who will usually play with her toys nearby.

When it’s time for him to work away from home though, Johnny usually sends Isabelle to daycare. Obviously, she’s less than pleased.

Once he comes home, though? It’s all worth it when he gets to see that little smile on her face.

Weekends are what Johnny and Isabelle look forward to the most, as he doesn’t have to work and she gets to spend time with her dad all day long! He’ll often take her somewhere fun, and her favorite places to visit are the local playground and pizzeria.

So yeah, Johnny Zest is a good man. All he wants to do is to bring joy to his little girl’s life, and that’s all that matters.

[recipro-turbo]

brother mine - year ten

Chapter Rating: T Chapter Word Count: 910 Chapter Notes: originally posted to twitter here. tensei is 25 in this chapter.

Chapter-specific content warnings: minor child injury

Read on AO3 | Previous Chapter

Engine has been the dominant Quirk in the Iida Family for generations. Mutant-type Quirks were often dominant genes, but Engine had something that a decent chunk of Quirks in this class lacked: the next generation was always superior to that of their predecessors.

Tensei had explained it to Tenya in terms of technology―newer models often improved on the older ones, fixing what was wrong with the previous generation for a faster, more reliable processor. In their case, each subsequent generation of Engine was faster than the last, and depending on where in the body the engine systems manifested, the power could vary between siblings.

There are things Tensei can do that Tenya likely would never be able to on his own. He can hover about a foot off the ground, he can propel himself straight up like a rocket, he can technically fly short distances (though his comms team and his technicians and his medics really hate it when he does that). Having his Engines in his arms meant that he could be much more mobile than his father or his grandfather had been. He was also capable of reaching top speed instantly, whereas Tenya had gears he needed to go through one at a time.

But Tenya’s Engine placement is logical for someone with a speed-based Quirk. Even now, at ten years old, the kid is tall for his age. His speed without using his Quirk is astonishing. His strides are big enough to accommodate moving at speeds fast enough to break the sound barrier.

Tenya’s that step between generations, where a company makes key improvements to an existing model without overhauling the entire design. He’s superior without making Tensei obsolete, a preview of what’s to come if either of them have children. He’s the fastest Iida, and he’s still in primary school.

Being fast had one very brutal drawback, though―Tenya was not good at stopping, and he was even worse with corners. Which is why Tensei is currently kneeling in front of his little brother, who is very clearly trying not to cry while he checks to see if Tenya broke his nose from running straight into the massive tree back behind the Iida family estate.

“Sorry, Otouto,” Tensei says, as he gently prods the bridge of Tenya’s nose. He frowns sympathetically when Tenya inhales sharply at the contact, but nothing feels wrong. “Good news, it doesn’t seem to be broken! Bad news, you’re probably going to have some nasty bruising.

Tenya lets out a quiet, frustrated sound, wiping up blood and snot with the handkerchief Tensei keeps tucked in his pocket. “Again?”

“Stopping is hard. Corners are harder.” Tensei brings a hand up to Tenya’s shoulder. “Believe me, kiddo, I went through the same thing. You’ll get it eventually.”

Tenya doesn’t say anything as Tensei guides him over to one of the garden benches, where they have a first aid kit on standby. He radiates frustration the entire time Tensei tends to his bloody nose. He’s glaring at nothing in particular, eyes still brimming with tears even after his face has been cleaned up and little rolls of gauze have been pushed into his nostrils to staunch the bleeding.

“Tenya,” Tensei says gently. “I mean it―I didn’t get the hang of corners until I was in middle school. I have airbags installed in my suit because I still sometimes have trouble stopping reliably. I mean, just last week, I crashed trying to pursue that Bat Villain, remember?”

While the frustration in Tenya’s eyes doesn’t disappear entirely, his expression does become more thoughtful. “Can I try one more time?”

Tensei hesitates. He admires Tenya’s determination, but one more high-speed collision might actually break his nose. “You sure? There’s no shame in taking a breather and coming back to corners another day.”

“One more try,” Tenya says. “Please, Oniisan?”

Tensei lets out a soft huff of laughter, mussing up Tenya’s hair. “Alright, one more try.”

Tenya hops off the bench, expression fiercely determined as he walks back over to the starting line Tensei marked into the dirt with a stick. Tensei takes his spot near the tree, Mother’s contact info pulled up just in case―if Tenya did end up breaking his nose, he wanted to make sure to keep her in the loop.

“Ready?” Tensei calls over.

Tenya gets into position, staring straight at the tree.

“Go!”

Tenya’s engines roar to life as he sprints towards the tree at first gear, feet furiously hitting the dirt path that has been worn into the ground through generations of Quirk training. Tensei feels his heart beating hard in his chest as Tenya comes closer and closer to the tree, bracing for impact.

It does not come.

Tenya, about a meter or so away from the tree, turns to his right. He runs another few meters before skidding to a halt, eyes wide and chest heaving. After a moment, a wide grin breaks out across his face.

“I did it!” Tenya screams.

Tensei laughs, jogging over to his little brother. He hoists him up into his arms, pulling him into a tight hug. “You did it!”

Whatever frustration remains is dispelled and replaced by excited, enthusiastic energy. Tensei barely manages to get Tenya back on the ground before he runs towards the house to share his latest accomplishment with Father. With a laugh, Tensei texts Mother the good news, then goes back to the bench to pack up the first aid kit.

[clikere]

The Benefits of Educational Toys: Helping Your Child Learn and Grow

According to research, play-based learning is a crucial aspect of a child's development. Even while giving your child regular playtime is wonderful for families and helps kids burn off some extra energy, a child learns about themselves by playing from an early age. A child's intellect is already developing at a young age merely by seeing and absorbing their environment.

Children may acquire a variety of skills that will be useful to them throughout their life with the aid of educational toys. Toys that educate about dispute resolution, cause and effect, and problem-solving may all be considered educational. Additionally, it fosters children's creativity, teaches them the importance of sharing, and helps them develop their fine and gross motor abilities, creativity, and imagination.

Children as young as one month old can benefit from learning toys. Here are some fantastic recommendations for age-appropriate educational toys along with a description of their advantages.

Toys that are ideal for your baby's 6 to 12 months include:

1 to 12 months old: Early childhood can assist your child's sense development at a young age. Families may start introducing toys that promote greater engagement as your kid develops hand-eye coordination and grows. Toys that encourage problem-solving should be introduced when your youngster gets more active. With the aid of these toys, kids may resolve disagreements and learn about cause-and-effect clauses like "If I do this, then that will happen." Once they have figured out how a toy works after some trial and error and assistance, they will gain more confidence. Other excellent toys to introduce are those that encourage mobility.

Toys that are ideal for your baby's first year include:

12-24 months old: Once your child reaches the age of one year or older, they will become quite mobile. Introducing appropriate toys to them will aid in the teaching of balance and coordination, as well as increasing your child's curiosity with their newfound mobility. As your kid learns to walk, you may add number learning by counting their steps, which will help them become more familiar with the concepts and meaning even if they do not understand fully at this age.

Themed playsets are excellent educational toys to introduce between the ages of 12 and 18 months since they assist your child's recognition abilities to improve. For example, if you have an animal-themed playset, practice the sounds each animal makes. This will also aid with language development by emphasizing color and shape names.

Toys that will assist your child to attain new milestones between the ages of 1 and 2 include:

2 years and up As your children get older and more active, you may add toys that encourage greater physical play. When teaching children how to use specific toys, like as a tricycle, make sure they are aware of safety concerns, such as wearing a helmet, and include them in the process of using the object, so they understand that if they ride their tricycle, they must also wear their helmet.

This is also an excellent age to introduce toys that promote cognitive skill development. There are several toys available to assist youngsters to practice writing (whether sketching or writing their names) and small motor skills.

Games and books can also assist your youngster to develop name recognition and emergent literacy abilities. These toys will provide your child with a visual representation of what they are hearing, and vice versa. For example, reading a book about a dog and seeing a picture of a dog would help your child identify an image of a dog with the sound a dog makes. Reading books with color images and a few words on each page to your kid can help them get acquainted with how the words they hear appear on the pages.

ConclusionEducational toys are an essential tool for children's cognitive, emotional, and physical development. These toys are designed to engage children in playful learning activities that promote problem-solving, creativity, social skills, and overall academic readiness. We provide a Collection of Toys. Visit clickere.in if you want Toys

[marjaystuff]

Interview with Naomi Ragen

The Enemy Beside Me by Naomi Ragen makes the Holocaust come alive again through the characters’ journeys. On the heels of the brutality of what Hamas did in Israel it is important to keep the Holocaust atrocities alive. Based on real facts, this book shows how some countries in Eastern Europe, specifically Lithuania, made their own horrible imprint on Holocaust history.  The Lithuanians brutally persecuted the Jews who were also their fellow citizens.

The story begins with Milia, an Israeli Jew, whose organization’s purpose is bringing Nazi war criminals to judgement. Darius, a professor at a college in Lithuania invites Milia to speak at a conference in Lithuania. Her speech tells the story of families tortured, raped, and killed by their former neighbors. The Lithuanians had the audacity to claim that they were providing aid to the Jews, subsequently becoming heroes, a complete untruth. 

This book is a must read for those who need to remember what happened.  Ragan does a good job of showing through her characters the brutality.  But she also allows readers to understand the characters through their personal stories. As Milia and Darius begin their mission, shared experiences profoundly alter their relationship, replacing antagonism and suspicion with a growing intimacy. 

Elise Cooper: The idea for the story?

Naomi Ragan:  This story came to me when I was walking down a street in Jerusalem, minding my own business during Covid.  I ran into an old friend, the head of the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Israel, Efraim Zuroff.  He tells me about a story that flabbergasted me. He co-authored a book titled Our People with Lithuania’s famous author, Ruta Vanagaite. She invited him to be a keynote speaker in Lithuania about Nazi War Criminals.  This was the starting point for this story. I wrote a dialogue between the Nazi hunter, and the son of those living during World War II. This is a story about the here and now.

EC: The book is based on facts?

NR: Yes.  Ruta and Efraim traveled around Lithuania to gain eyewitness testimony.  Instead of her convincing him that Lithuania did not commit war crimes, the situation convinced her. They became very close on this trip and fell in love, just as in my book.  I never thought Ruta, a child of a preparator and Efraim, a Nazi hunter could get close.

EC: There are many details about Lithuania and the Holocaust?

NR: Lithuanians killed over 96% of the Jewish community.  It was neighbors, teachers, and doctors, self-appointed policemen who shot and murdered Jews. They killed as a percentage more of the Jewish community than any other country, including Germany. Today, they are one of the chief Holocaust distortionists. They are trying to falsify what happened to cover their tracks. They are attempting to use a Double Holocaust theory. They say everybody suffered, look at what Stalin did to us. 

EC: The Lithuanian executioners were brutal?

NR: They killed with such sadism, ferocity, joy, and enthusiasm. They held public parties to give out the spoils after indiscriminately murdering men, women, and children. I based the facts from first person history and testimonies.

EC:  The story speaks of acknowledgement. Can you explain?

NR:  There can be reconciliation and forgiveness. But on what basis?  First, there must be a recognition of the truth. There must be respect for the mass graves that are being treated like garbage dumps. The mass graves have not been marked in any way. They must stop painting over Jewish cemeteries and building shopping malls. This story is not going away because there has not been any justice and a final meeting of minds.

EC:  Everyone has sympathy for what is going on in Ukraine.  Do you agree many do not know how the cruel the Ukrainians were to the Jews during WWII? 

NR:  They joined mobile killing units. There were squads made up of Lithuanians and Ukrainians. I wrote the book now because people are being honored that were Holocaust perpetrators.  Just look at what just happened in Canada where they tried honoring a Ukrainian who was in the Waffen SS unit of Hitler. 

EC:  How would you describe the hero, Dr. Darius Vidas?

NR:  Unpredictable, impulsive, organized, and a novelist. He is someone who wants to seek justice. He starts out thinking justice would clear the Lithuanians of the terrible things they were accused of doing. As time goes on, he realizes his country was involved in such savage brutality.  He becomes a true partner to the heroine, Milia, the Nazi hunter. He has guts as he became a true Lithuanian patriot. He has a lot to lose, everything he has accomplished, if he agrees with Milia.

EC:  How would you describe the heroine, Milia Gottstein-Lasker?

NR: She has a dark view of the world, a cynic, with an endless quest for justice.  She compartmentalizes because she is a Nazi hunter. She is based on my friend’s experiences, Efraim. She confronts the truth about what happened to her namesake.  To make her character whole I had her deal with a lot of things: a marriage breaking down and someone who questions her own self-worth as a woman.  She has a lot of insecurities and is losing her sense of purpose. She is trying to figure out where her life is going personally and professionally. 

EC:  How would describe their relationship?

NR:  The two of them are in mid-life crisis. But more importantly, they are on a journey together. They want to accomplish something important in both their lives.  They start out as enemies because he wants to prove everything she has said about the Lithuanian atrocities is false. But then he realizes she is speaking the truth. They learned to respect each other and to have compassion.  They now trust each other.  Their relationship was a symbol for the rest of the world. Both are honest enough to accept the truth. 

EC:  What do you want readers to get out of the book?

NR: I want them to understand what must be done to honor the victims and to expose all these bogus distortions by countries like Lithuania. They are putting forward Holocaust distortions to erase, cover-up, and rewrite history and silence the voices. I wrote this book quote, “It was not the Jews gripping the past, it was the past gripping the Jews. It will never let them go until there is some kind of reckoning.” This is exactly how I think and feel. These countries in Europe must tell what happened and return the spoils they took. The quote in the acknowledgement summarizes my feelings, “Milia and Darius are both fictional characters.  Their spirits are real and live in all people whose histories have made them enemies.  It is up to us, the living, to make peace with one another.” As Milia says in her speech, there are five things that must be done: mainly Lithuanians need to stop lying about their past, stop honoring the perpetrators, tell the truth to their children, compensate the victims, and make Holocaust education important.

EC:  Next book?

NR: One never knows. At this point, we will see what happens.

THANK YOU!!

[koochieplay123]

Koochie Play: Pioneering Safety Flooring Manufacturers and Elevating Safety Surfacing

In the realm of play spaces, safety is paramount. Children's well-being hinges on the reliability of the surfaces they play on, making safety flooring and surfacing a top priority for any responsible play area or facility. Koochie Play, Safety flooring manufacturers a trailblazing name in the world of play equipment, extends its expertise to safety flooring, setting new standards for child safety and outdoor enjoyment.

The Crucial Role of Safety Flooring and Surfacing

Safety flooring and surfacing serve as the foundation of any playground or play area. Their importance cannot be overstated, as they provide the following vital functions:

1. Fall Protection

The primary purpose of safety flooring is to cushion falls and reduce the risk of injuries. Children are prone to accidents during play, and a reliable safety surface can make all the difference in preventing severe harm.

2. Accessibility

Safety surfacing ensures that play areas are accessible to children of all abilities. It creates a smooth, even surface that accommodates wheelchairs and mobility aids.

3. Durability

Outdoor play surfaces must withstand constant use, weather fluctuations, and heavy traffic. Durable safety flooring ensures that the play area remains safe and functional over time.

4. Aesthetics

Safety flooring is not just about safety; it's also about aesthetics. Vibrant and attractive surfacing can enhance the overall look and appeal of the play area.

Koochie Play's Commitment to Safety

Koochie Play has always prioritized safety in its play equipment and has seamlessly extended this commitment to safety flooring and surfacing. Here's what distinguishes Koochie Play in this arena:

1. Safety Standards

Koochie Play adheres to the highest international safety standards when designing and manufacturing safety flooring. They go above and beyond to ensure that every surface they create provides optimal protection for children.

2. Customization

One size does not fit all in the world of safety flooring. Koochie Play offers customization options, allowing clients to choose the type, color, and design of safety surfacing that best suits their needs and aesthetic preferences.

3. Diverse Options

Koochie Play offers a diverse range of safety flooring and surfacing options, including rubber mulch, poured-in-place rubber, and artificial turf. Each option caters to specific safety and aesthetic requirements.

4. Environmentally Conscious

Koochie Play is deeply committed to sustainability. Their safety surfacing materials are eco-friendly and sourced responsibly, minimizing the ecological impact.

Koochie Play's Range of Safety Flooring and Surfacing

Koochie Play offers a versatile and comprehensive range of safety flooring and surfacing solutions, ensuring that every play area can be equipped with the best protection. Here are some of their noteworthy offerings:

1. Rubber Mulch

Rubber mulch is an ideal choice for playgrounds and play areas. It is made from recycled rubber, providing excellent fall protection and durability. Koochie Play's rubber mulch comes in a variety of colors to complement any theme.

2. Poured-in-Place Rubber

Poured-in-place rubber surfacing is a seamless option that offers superior fall protection. It can be customized with intricate designs, patterns, and even educational graphics.

3. Artificial Turf

Artificial turf is a low-maintenance safety surface that replicates the look and feel of natural grass. It provides a soft, cushioned landing surface while maintaining an appealing aesthetic.

4. Rubber Tiles

Rubber tiles are versatile and easy to install. They are suitable for both indoor and outdoor play areas and come in various thicknesses to accommodate different fall heights.

5. Wet Pour Surfacing

Wet pour surfacing is a highly impact-absorbent material ideal for water play areas. It creates a safe and slip-resistant surface for water playgrounds and splash pads.

6. Playground Matting

Playground matting is a cost-effective and durable safety surfacing option. It is perfect for smaller play areas or as an underlay for play equipment.

The Koochie Play Safety Flooring Experience

Koochie Play's approach to safety flooring and surfacing is comprehensive and client-centered:

1. Consultation and Assessment

The journey begins with a thorough consultation and assessment of your play area's unique requirements. Koochie Play's team of experts evaluates fall heights, space constraints, and aesthetic preferences to recommend the most suitable safety surfacing solution.

2. Custom Design

Once the assessment is complete, Koochie Play's designers create a custom safety flooring design that aligns with your vision. Whether you want vibrant patterns or a natural look, the design is tailored to your specific needs.

3. Manufacturing Excellence

Koochie Play manufactures safety flooring materials with precision and care, ensuring that every piece meets the highest quality standards for safety and durability.

4. Professional Installation

Installation is executed by experienced professionals who ensure that the safety surfacing is seamlessly integrated into your play area. Safety checks are conducted rigorously to guarantee optimal protection.

5. Maintenance and Support

Koochie Play offers maintenance services to ensure the continued safety and functionality of your safety flooring. Regular inspections and upkeep are part of their commitment to client satisfaction.

Testimonials from Koochie Play Clients

Sarah, a school administrator, states, "Koochie Play's safety flooring transformed our school playground. It's not just safe; it's beautiful and inviting, creating an environment where children thrive."

David, a parent, shares, "We chose Koochie Play for our community park, and the impact was immediate. It's not just a playground; it's a safe haven for our kids to explore and enjoy."

Conclusion

Safety is non-negotiable when it comes to outdoor play areas, and Koochie Play's safety flooring and surfacing solutions set a new standard for excellence. Their commitment to protection, customization, and sustainability ensures that every play area equipped with Koochie Play's safety surfacing becomes a haven of enjoyment and security for children. Choose Koochie Play to elevate safety and play in your community, and witness the difference it makes in children's lives.

[thelightfluxtastic]

Disability Discourse

I've been sitting on my take on the various disability and cripple punk discourse for like a month because... ugh. But I suppose I should throw my two cents in. Ultimately I fall on the side of more inclusion within disability, and I think the more strict and exclusionary perspective relies upon some logical-seeming but ultimately false assumptions. Full essay under the cut. (CW for discussion of ableism)

My credentials: I've been disabled since birth, diagnosed cerebral palsy (spastic hemiplegia).

False Assumption 1: Physical and mental disabilities are meaningfully categorically distinct.

This is just...not true. Take my own cerebral palsy for example. It is by definition a neural disorder. For 90% of my life it was treated as purely physical: affecting my motor cortex, resulting in paralysis and spasticity in my legs, leading to other effects on my hip and back. And yet, I have vague mental symptoms resembling autism (sensory sensitivities, rigidity of thought, obsessive fixations) which, every tome I bring up to a mental health professional, I get asked "Are you sure it's not the cerebral palsy?" And I can't be! If I went to get an fMRI scan right now it still wouldn't give me a printout saying "these neurons are cerebral palsy and these are autism". But the lack of distinction between disabilities isn't just boiled down to "the brain is physical". Anxiety causes nausea. Caffeine can induce panic attacks. Also, disability as a category is a grab-bag. Cripplepunk is, according to the creator, for physical disabilities. But in the discourse I've seen flying around, I've seen people narrow it down further and say it's specifically for people with mobility issues. So are blind people not physically disabled now? What about people with GI issues? Skin cancer? No matter where you draw the line I promise you someone is drawing it somewhere else, and excluding someone you include. Related to this point...

False assumption 2: Physical disabilities are more visible than mental ones.

This is where I can see a lot of defensiveness coming from people with visible disabilities, particularly mobility issues. There's this idea of "yes I sympathize with people with mental illness, but they aren't going to get stared at walking down the street like I do in my wheelchair".

...except when the person with anxiety has a panic attack in public. ...except when the person with psychosis talks to themself on the bus.

It doesn't even have to be pathological or negative! The person with autism who is just happy-stimming is about as likely to be called a "spaz" by some random stranger as someone with an actual spasticity disorder. Because here's the thing: disability isn't defined by disabled people. It's enforced by abled people. And just like a homophobe won't ask if someone is gay or bi before calling them a slur, ableists won't care what the cause is- they just police weird bodies and behavior. They might use language that seems to favor one or another (the same way transphobic parents can act like they wish their child was "just" gay) but it's not actually genuine or true. The acceptance isn't actually there.

False assumption 3: It helps to delineate specific subgroups and keep out people who aren't "really" disabled

Now, I'm not against specific identity groups. I've been part of trans peer groups, etc. If you want to create a supportive social space for just people with [x type of disability], fine! Great! (Though ask yourself if and how you police that).

But at a societal level? Radical inclusivity only helps. If everyone who wore glasses thought of themselves as visually impaired, if everyone with a food allergy thought of themselves as disabled, if mobility aids were normalized for comfort and even temporary or occasional use- it would help everyone. Right now, lots of abled people don't bother thinking about disability rights because they don't think they have to. But if they started thinking of themselves as temporarily enabled? If they started thinking about the accommodations they might need as they got older (e.g. macular degeneration, hearing loss, mobility changes), or realized their own current needs, the world would improve for the better. It actively serves the disabled community if accessibility stops being thought of as a special concern for some unlucky people, and starts being thought of as something relevant to everyone, everywhere, all the time.

[multi-lefaiye]

💬💬💬 and pen for eden!!!!!

yes thank u <3 heheeeee

okay so the first excerpt is gonna be from one of my flash fiction friday entries, a tftgs fic specifically:

For much of his life, Jack has felt like a used battery. He feels like an old, broken thing, low on energy and with very little left to give. He supposes it was only a matter of time before someone decided to throw him out.

and thiiis is from an older thing i wrote that i might go back to at some point?? not sure though. not gonna give context for now tho <3 (if you recognize the characters. don't look me in the eye rn i know this is self-indulgent):

“Did you just shoot someone!?” Saeyoung cried, still clearly panicking.

“I don’t know, maybe?” Addison replied, trying to drag him along as they tried to avoid looking in the direction they'd just fired. “Just get in the car, asshole!”

“Sorry, I kind of have a bullet in me right now!” he protested, but still did his best to get to his feet. “I told you to stay in the car!”

“Have your goddamn lovers’ quarrel later!” Vanderwood yelled at them over the sound of gunfire raining down on them all.

and theeen this is for another slightly older thing, but i like the comedy here :3

For a moment, Henry just stared at the unconscious man on his living room floor. Then he asked the question that was nagging at the back of his mind. “Why the fuck is he naked?”

AND a little Eden conversation!!! I'm gonna talk a bit about something I haven't talked about publicly in much detail: Eden's chronic pain and fatigue. I haven't talked about it in Great detail because I'm still trying to research n' such to make sure that my portrayal is as faithful and respectful as I can make it.

I won't go into how it's going to come into play story-wise in the campaign, nor the mechanics and accommodations and such planned for this, but I'll talk a bit about it! Under the cut though b/c this might be a bit long.

So Eden's mother, Hannah, dealt with chronic illness for most of her life. In the campaign, it's kind of an ambiguous illness because she wouldn't have had access to modern terminology (or even really a specific diagnosis in general, considering the healthcare available where she lived), but I think the closest to what she has would be fibromyalgia, which is what I'm focusing my research on for Eden.

(And also, if I do go ahead and write a standalone story/WIP with Eden outside of the campaign, this will be discussed and explored in greater detail since the focus would be on him specifically a bit more.)

The research I've done so far does say that fibromyalgia isn't always necessarily passed directly from parent to child, but I'm thinking it's still something that Eden has, and after his death and resurrection his symptoms start to flare up in a way they wouldn't have beforehand.

Like I said, I am still doing research into this because I want to give the most earnest, respectful portrayal I can, but I do still have some thoughts about Eden's personal experiences with it and how he processes it. Because Eden's thought process is my favorite thing to explore.

So Eden approaches everything in his life from a very analytical perspective, so once he registers that his symptoms aren't normal he immediately goes into analysis mode and tries to determine, to an incredibly exact degree, what his limits are. He's a scientist at heart, and his response to every situation is to experiment and learn everything he can.

This will have... mixed results for him. On one hand, over time, Eden will come to understand his condition very well, even without necessarily having access to a specific diagnosis in the campaign itself. On the other hand, it also means that Eden is going to push himself a TON and possibly seriously hurt himself trying to see how far he can go before he has issues.

I'm still looking into specific accommodations Eden could have as time goes on, but I'm definitely thinking mobility aids would be very useful for him--particularly forearm support crutches, if possible.

And last thing I do wanna say. While it might be easy to assume that, all things considered, Eden would be very against the idea of using mobility aids b/c he's just so stubborn.... that's not the case! Eden is a stubborn li'l asshole, but once he understands his limits better I do think he would want mobility aids and would actively seek them out.

Aaanyway okay I still have a lot of research n' such to be doing, but that's some of my thoughts so far!!! Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[sophiegunn]

Paralympic paradox

As a person with a disability living in Australia, the past fortnight I have felt represented. It is one of the only times I’ve seen people with disabilities represented in a way that doesn’t focus solely on their impairments or mobility aids. I’ve been glued to the tv and never felt so excited about watching sport.

On Monday night, we saw the conclusion of the 2020 Paralympics. Australia had an incredible campaign; 179 athletes went to Tokyo and came home with a total of 80 medals.

This is an amazing result and Prime Minister Scott Morrison recently announced all medalists will receive the cash bonus equal to that of which Australian Olympians receive. This is a huge step towards equality.

I absolutely love the Australian Paralympic movement and feel incredibly proud to have the people we do in the foreground. Each athlete spoke with such eloquence as they acknowledged the 1,044 Paralympians who came before them who didn’t have the opportunities and support that we’re seeing now. It was so heartening to see all Australian and most international events broadcasted on free to air tv.

Growing up, I have been constantly asked different versions of “when are you going to the Paralympics?”. Not because I am interested in sport, but because I use a wheelchair. At a glance this seems harmless. However, saying things like this sets a precedent of unrealistic expectations of people with disabilities that’s incredibly hard to achieve. It would be as if we expected every able-bodied child to grow up and compete at the Olympics. Furthermore, This expectation is intensely paradoxical in nature given the essence of sport being physically demanding and disability often creating physical movement barriers.

As Dylan Alcott said after winning gold in the Quad singles tennis gold medal match,

"Not every person with a disability can be a Paralympian but they can be a doctor, lawyer, a mum, a dad, a teacher, an educator, politician, whatever it is; they don’t often get the opportunities that we’ve got here to play sport."

These comments around unrealistic expectations can further perpetuate the notion that we with disabilities aren’t good enough, no matter how successful we are in our lives, if we can’t be a Paralympian sportsperson.

Two-time Paralympic gold medalist Madison de Rozario sums it up better than I ever could.

“The only time you see someone with a disability is when they’re winning gold medals in the green and gold, that’s not realistic, that’s not fair. We don’t hold any other Australian to that level, But that’s the only time we see disabilities, in Paralympic sport. It creates this unrealistic standard.”

I believe these comments also often stem from an able-bodied perception of the Paralympics. When able-bodied people watch the Olympics, they see professional athletes performing at their absolute best. However, when watching the Paralympics, they often perceive people with disabilities as getting up and “giving it a go”. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The people we’ve seen compete at the Paralympics are elite athletes that are the best in their field right now, and should be recognized as such.

People are not Ikea flat packs, only able to be built with a single specific set of instructions. People in general are complex individuals capable of greatness. Greatness looks like many things for different people, whether it’s sport achievement or otherwise. We have learnt this through the achievement of many able bodied people and it is time to start seeing the achievements of people with disabilities the same way, Paralympian or not.

[furiousgoldfish]

I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!