#also why does nobody ever talk about anxiety shits. doing new things makes me anxious then I need a bathroom and in new places

[tenderanarchist]

It’s not very Cool Independent Butch Dyke of me to have anxiety bowel problems every time I need to drive somewhere

[biaswreckingfics]

Transcendent

Pairing: Kang Yeosang x Reader

Genre: Soulmate!AU, Angst, Fluffy ending

Word Count: 9.5k

Summary: You are born with the first words you ever hear your soulmate say permanently marked on your arm, but what happens when your soulmate turns out to be your best friend’s boyfriend and neither of them are willing to end the relationship? Find out in Transcendent.

Soulmates.

The concept of soulmates was kind of funny to you.

The idea that there was one person out there for everyone on a planet filled with billions of people, and you were somehow supposed to find them during a short human lifespan, was wild.

Of course, some people believed in fate and thought that the universe would pull the two souls in the right direction so they could find each other. You didn't know if you believed in that, but something was out there making it happen because you had seen soulmates finding each other with your own eyes.

It was a weird sight to witness. They would be standing there talking to someone or quietly walking by themselves when they would just stop like they were frozen in time. A slow turn would come to reveal their other half and the change that overcame the two individuals was undeniable.

It was ineffable.

There wasn't a physical change that you could see with your eyes, but something shifts within each person, and you always wondered what that was like.

You had always wondered what it would be like to find the one who was meant for you. The one who would be your other half. You didn't want to be one of those people who gushed over their soulmates and constantly talked about the day you would meet them, but your friends knew how badly you wanted to meet your soulmate.

They would catch you running your fingers over the light tattoo on your inner forearm that everyone was born with in curiosity, but you didn't want to make too much of a big deal about it. They knew a part of you yearned to meet the person who would understand you like no one else, and they all wanted that for you.

That didn't mean all of your friends were on the same page as you. Sure, there were some who were, but others wanted to live in the "now", and of course, you didn't blame them.

Nobody knew when they would meet their soulmate, and you understood them wanting to find happiness with another partner in the present, instead of waiting for the future. You had also dated around here and there, but it had never felt right to you. It always felt bland and less colorful than you had hoped.

Your best friend was one of those people who wanted to live in the "now". The ones who hopped into relationships knowing their soulmate was out there probably searching for them without a care.

She had been in five different relationships over the years that you would consider to be somewhat serious, but you were always the first to know and she would share every little nauseating detail with you. That's why you were shocked when she called you to gush about her new boyfriend of a month.

How had she managed to go an entire month without telling you about this mysterious man she was falling for? Where did she even meet him, and why did she wait so long to tell you about it?

"I know he's not my soulmate, Y/N, but he's... perfect."

You quietly sit there and take in Mijung's words in slight disbelief. The two of you have been best friends for well over a decade, and you knew that while Mijung liked to jump into new things, she tended to get over them relatively quickly. It was stunning how much she seemed to be into this guy.

"How come I'm just now hearing about him?" You ask curiously.

Mijung is silent for a good minute and you wonder if she even plans on answering you. "I knew you wouldn't completely agree with our relationship... especially when I tell you how different this one seems..."

The seriousness of her tone catches you off guard. You have never heard Mijung this serious about a guy, and you had to admit, a small part of you was starting to get worried. If they cared about each other this much already... What will they do when they meet their soulmates?

"What's different about this one?"

Mijung takes a deep breath like she's preparing to launch into all the reasons he's so much better than the rest. "At first, we were just having fun. Nothing too serious because we knew we weren't each other's soulmates... but then it just naturally grew into something more. Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel some type of pull towards him, and I know it's quick, but I love him."

Your mouth drops open in shock at her admission, but before you can fully process what she's telling you, she continues to drop another bomb on you.

"What if there has been some type of mistake? What if we were supposed to be soulmates instead?"

You pull your phone away from your ear to check that you are really talking to your best friend. When you do in fact see her contact ID, you bring it back to your ear in confusion. You've never heard your friend talk like this. Ever.

"Mijung... That's never happened before. You know there are no mistakes when it comes to the soulmate tattoo."

"I know, but - "

"Mijung." You unapologetically cut her off.

She sighs loudly in your ear before relenting. "I know... I know the tattoo is never wrong, and I know we're not soulmates... I just wish we were."

"What are you going to do when one of you finds your soulmate?"

Her silence on the other end lets you know you're not going to like whatever she has to say. Whenever Mijung is silent, you know it's because she doesn't want to admit something to you.

"We want to be together. No matter what." She finally says with determination. "If one of us happens to find our soulmate... It's not going to change anything."

You blink a few times, taking in what she's telling you. Now it all made sense why she was hesitant to say anything. She knew you wouldn't agree with ignoring your soulmate when you found them. That wasn't how society worked.

Everyone waits for the day they meet their soulmate. The day colors seem more vibrant and sounds seem more celestial. The day everything in your world clicks into place... and they were just willing to ignore it? To let both of their soulmates go on without them because they thought they wanted to be together instead?

"So, you're just going to say, 'screw your soulmates'?"

She sighs heavily. "Look, I know you're excited to meet your soulmate, but I'm happy with Yeosang. We're happy, and we want to stay together."

When you stay silent, she lets out yet another sigh. "Please, don't be mad at me..."

"I'm not mad at you. You're both grown adults and you can do whatever you want. I don't agree with it, but I can't do anything to stop it, either, so..." You trail off, not sure what else to say at this point.

"Fair enough... but... how would you feel about meeting him?"

"Excuse me?"

"Please, Y/N." Mijung pleads. "I really want the two of you to meet! I know you'll both get along really, really well."

The excitement and happiness in her voice makes you feel slightly guilty for mentally shitting on their relationship.  If your best friend was happy... that was really all you could ask for.

As you agree to meet him, your eyes fall to the tattoo on your forearm. The words that you knew by heart staring back at you in a slightly lighter shade than your skin tone.

Once you hang up with Mijung, you lightly run your fingers over the words like you've been itching to do ever since you started talking about soulmates. The familiar phrase bringing a small smile to your face like it always does.

“It's freaking gray, you dolt.”

You had always wondered what type of conversation spurs those words on, and a twinge of excitement fills you when you think about the day you'll actually find out. The day you'll finally hear the first words of your soulmate.

You try not to get too lost in your imagination, and honestly, it's pretty easy to pull yourself out of it when you think about what Mijung had told you. Would the couple really say, "screw their soulmates" and stay together? Well... you guess you were just going to have to wait and see. Hopefully, for the sake of their soulmates... you never find out.

A few days later, Mijung is hosting a small get-together so her and Yeosang's friends could meet, and so you could finally meet the mystery man himself. She swore only a few people would be there besides you. Thankfully, your other best friend Yunho was going to be there, which was going to help calm your nerves and make you feel less anxious. Especially since Mijung warned you that Yeosang's friends could be a handful.

As soon as you woke up this morning, something felt different. You couldn't place your finger on it, but you knew, without a doubt, something was going to happen today. You just hoped it was something good.

With that in mind, you decide to dress up a little nicer today instead of your normal hoodie and yoga pants. You put on a cozy beige sweater and a pair of flattering skinny jeans that tucked into your brown booties perfectly. You spruced your hair up just enough that it looked like you actually attempted to make it look nice, but not enough that you looked like you were trying too hard. Adding a dainty gold necklace to complete the look, you were satisfied with what you saw in the mirror and quickly headed over to Mijung's.

Once you walk into her apartment, without feeling the need to knock since you were there almost as much as you were at home, you can hear booming laughter coming from the kitchen. You quietly close the door and take a moment to gather yourself before entering what already sounded like chaos.

The first person you spot when you round the corner is your tall, brown-haired, best friend Yunho. He notices you at almost the same exact moment and his eyes immediately light up while a giant smile grows on his face.

"Y/N!"

He strides over to you in two steps thanks to his long legs and pulls you into a tight hug. You welcome the hug from the giant puppy and feel some of your anxiety immediately disappear. If there was one thing Yunho was good at, it was making you feel safe and comforted.

"Hey, Yunho."

"Well... I don't have Yunho's name on my arm." You hear someone sigh from behind him.

A muttered “me either” has you pulling away from your friend and peeking around him. He moves out of the way and turns toward the two strangers in the kitchen with him.

Your eyes immediately fall on two ridiculously attractive black-haired males. One with full lips and a more hawkish nose and the other with small eyes and sharp cheekbones. When the latter smiles, two dimples appear on his cheeks, making him look younger than he did two seconds ago.

"Y/N, this is Wooyoung and San, Yeosang's friends." Yunho introduces you.

"Hi, I'm not your soulmate." The one who Yunho gestured was Wooyoung says.

The other one, San, side-eyes his friend before coming over to you and shaking your hand. "I'm also not your soulmate, but I'll at least be nice about it. My name is San."

"What did I say that was mean?" Wooyoung loudly asks.

As the two discuss what would and wouldn't be considered rude for a greeting at top volume, you glance over at Yunho in question. He nods his head, answering your unasked question.

"They've been like this since I got here."

Before you can respond, you hear Mijung ask the two bickering boys, "Why are you two like this?"

She enters the kitchen with the question and looks over at Yunho in exasperation. When she notices you, she lets out a high-pitched squeal that causes the two dark-haired boys to fall silent.

"You're here!" She happily says while bouncing over to give you a quick hug. "Let me go grab Yeosang real quick, so you can finally meet him!"

As she rushes out of the kitchen, you turn to Yunho and say, "She says so I can finally meet him like I didn't just learn of his existence a few days ago."

Yunho nods in agreement. "She just told me a week ago too."

Your head snaps up to the taller man in disbelief. "She told you first?"

A sheepish expression crosses his face as you mull over his words. You temporarily forget the other two are even there until San gets your attention.

"Yeosang's really nice. You'll like him. Though, he is pretty quiet sometimes, so you might have to pull the conversation out of him."

Wooyoung nods along, adding, "Don't let him fool you, either. He's a savage and will attack when you least expect it."

You hum in thought. Mijung was quite talkative, so you were sure the two balanced each other out in that way.

"Have you guys known him long?" Yunho asks.

"He's been my best friend for years. I probably know him better than anyone else." Wooyoung proudly tells the two of you.

You couldn't help but ask their opinions on your friend's apparent whirlwind romance. "What do you think about their relationship?"

Wooyoung shrugs his shoulders. "If they haven't found their soulmates yet, who cares?"

San glances at the wall across from him for a couple seconds before his eyes come back to you. "I don't think it's right. Especially when they say they're going to stay together regardless of what happens."

Yunho's eyebrows furrow and you figure this is the first he's hearing about this. Before you can ask him what he thinks, Wooyoung scoffs, pulling your attention back to him.

"No one can ignore the soulmate bond. It's over for them as soon as they meet their other half."

The sound of voices coming down the hallway instantly catches your attention. You easily identify Mijung's voice, but the other voice is too deep for you to understand right away.

For some reason, you tense up, but you don't notice until Yunho gives you a weird look. That's also when you notice that you're suddenly holding your breath for some reason. What was wrong with you?

"Are you colorblind, Yeosang? That's blue." You hear Mijung argue.

The most beautiful laugh you’ve ever heard follows her words before you hear a deep voice that shakes you to your core.

"It's freaking gray, you dolt."

At that moment, your world stops. The sounds around you momentarily muffle before suddenly snapping back with a clarity. Their footsteps approaching you become louder and louder with each thud, and a sudden rightness settles into your bones as they get closer. Happiness floods you because you know, without a doubt, you just found your soulmate. Your other half. The person you'll have a connection with that transcends everything.

You feel Yunho bump into your arm and you look over at him in a daze, causing concern to grow on his face. His expression triggers something in your brain, and you're suddenly pulled from the moment when you realize what this means. You found your soulmate... and he was already claiming he never wanted to meet you. He didn't want to start a relationship with you because he wanted to continue being with your best friend, who was apparently in love with him.

With each step that comes closer to you, it gets harder to breathe. It feels like a hand is squeezing tighter and tighter around your throat, and your foggy brain beings to realize that you're panicking.

You had to get out of here. Now. You couldn't meet Yeosang because the second you spoke; the truth would be revealed. Not only would your best friend be devastated, but you would be outright rejected in front of everyone.

Your eyes flash back over to Yunho, who is quietly saying your name and asking if you are alright.

"I need to go."

Confusion flashes in Yunho's eyes. "What?"

"I have to leave." You repeat as you back away from him.

Even you can hear that your words sound desperate, and Yeosang's friends look over at you in confusion. You continue to back away from the three men who are watching you with either concern or like you were crazy.

A strong feeling tells you that Mijung and Yeosang are going to round the corner any second, so you turn and book it for her front door without a backward glance. You run away from her apartment like your life depends on it, and you don't stop until you're in the safety of your own.

Once you shut your apartment door, you lean back against it and try to take deep breaths to get some air back into your lungs. You thank everything in the universe that Mijung only lives five minutes away from you because you wouldn't have been able to go much farther.

You take a few more deep breaths to try to calm down, but you can feel yourself shaking. You don't know if you are shaking from adrenaline, shock, or fear, but you were sure it was a culmination of the three.

You had just found your soulmate. The only person in the world who is meant for you, but he is your best friend's boyfriend and she is apparently in love with him. Not to mention, he is willing to screw you over to be with her.

You feel your phone vibrating in your pocket and pull it out. You stare at your phone as you see Mijung's contact name blaring at you. There was no way you could talk to her right now. You didn't even know what the hell you would say to her in the first place. "Oh, hi.  I'm sorry for just running out like that. By the way, your boyfriend is my soulmate. Isn't that crazy?" Yeah, right.

You hold your phone in your hand until it goes to voicemail and the tiniest sense of relief fills you. You unlock your phone with a sigh and see several missed calls from Mijung and a couple from Yunho… How would you explain any of this to her?

You toss your phone toward your couch and your eyes catch a glimpse of your soulmate mark. The words you had heard Yeosang say not even half an hour ago. The words you were once so excited to hear, but now cause your heart to stutter in panic.

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Over the next couple of weeks, Mijung tries a countless number of times to get you and Yeosang to meet, and every single time you came up with an excuse or a way to get out of it, just like the night you had found out he was your soulmate.

Once you had finally returned her multiple missed calls, you came up with the excuse that you had suddenly felt very nauseous and needed to leave. She thought it was a little odd but didn't question it too much.

That excuse could only work so many times, though, so you came up with many others like you had to work or your parents needed you for something, but you knew Mijung was suspicious of why you suddenly never had time. You knew your window of time was closing, and you would have to meet him eventually.

You wished you could say a part of you was surprised when Mijung ended up calling you out, but you knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Mijung wasn't the type of person to accept "no" as an answer, and certainly not as many times as you have said it. You were slightly surprised you got away with it as long as you had.

"I know you're avoiding meeting him, Y/N," she tells you through the phone. "So, you can stop giving me all of these excuses."

You can hear the irritation in her voice, and while a part of you feels bad, the other part of you doesn't. This wouldn't even be happening right now if her and Yeosang weren't being selfish and stubborn.

She sighs in your ear. "Is it because you don't agree that we should be together?"

"They're not excuses, Mijung," you lie through your teeth. "I've just been busy lately."

Her silence lets you immediately know she's not believing a word you say.

"Look, it's not like he's even met his stupid soulmate yet, anyway, so why does it bother you so much?"

Even though she didn't know it, her words were like a slap to the face, and you sat there in disbelief that your friend was behaving this way. You mentally scoff. His stupid soulmate was also her stupid best friend.

You take a deep breath before mumbling that you have to go and hang up the phone.

You knew you had two options. You could meet him and let the truth come out and bask in the awkwardness that will inevitably ensue... or you could stay away and willingly lose the friendship you had with Mijung.

You knew your friendship with Mijung was going to take a hit either way. She would either be hurt by the truth or she'd never forgive you for continuously avoiding meeting the person she was "in love with".

Both options had pros and cons, and there were things you needed to consider before you decided what you were going to do. If you decided to go and meet Yeosang, you would finally get to know what your soulmate looked like. You would finally know if he was short or tall, a manly man or a pretty boy, but you would also be rejected by the one person on this planet who was supposed to want to be with you.

The pro to the second option was avoiding hurting your friend while also avoiding the rejection they apparently were going to give you, but it also meant that you were willingly giving up your soulmate and your decade-long friendship with Mijung.

Neither option sounded appealing to you, and a part of you hated both of them for making you have to decide between a rock and a hard place. You didn’t want to give up your soulmate. You’ve been waiting for him nearly your entire life, but him wanting to ignore the bond was forcing you to make that decision anyway, and since rejection hurts a hell of a lot more than curiosity, you choose the latter.

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For the next few weeks, you spend most of your time with either Yunho or by yourself. Once Mijung realized you were doing your best to never meet Yeosang, she obviously grew upset. In her eyes, you were mad about what her and Yeosang were doing, and you never bothered to correct her. It would be far worse for her to find out he was your soulmate than for her to think you thought they were being stupid. Which they were so it wasn't like she was far off.

After the first week, she had thankfully given up on trying to get the two of you to meet and has spent the last couple of weeks avoiding you like you were her. Of course, it hurt. It hurt to treat your close friend like this and to have her treat you like this, but it hurt more knowing that your soulmate was so close to you, yet so far away. You could live with losing Mijung’s friendship, but you weren’t sure you could continue ignoring your soulmate and letting him keep living in their lie. However, besides blowing up their relationship, there was nothing you could do.

Unfortunately, it was all going to come to a head, and quicker than you would've liked.

It was like the universe was determined to make you and your soulmate meet. If it hadn't been Mijung trying to consistently get you to meet Yeosang, it was Yunho begging you to hang out with the three of them, so he wasn't third-wheeling. If it wasn't that, it was apparently the three of you running into each other on the street, and this time, there was no escaping the inevitable.

You had been searching for a birthday present for Yunho when you decided that you needed a coffee, or you were going to collapse on the sidewalk.

Although you may have been dramatic with that statement, something inside of you did start to feel weird, but you couldn't place it. Something... something was going to happen, and soon.

You push the feeling to the side as you approach the entrance of the coffee shop. Once you got your dose of caffeine, you would figure out what this feeling was, but you had zero hopes of doing it right now.

As you go to reach for the handle, the door of the coffee shop pushes open toward you, and you quickly back away to avoid impact.

"Oh my god. I'm so sor... Y/N?"

Your body freezes once you place the voice, and your eyes slowly trail up and meet Mijung's. You open your mouth to say something, but quickly snap it shut once you take in the quiet presence next to her.

Your body and mind scream at you to look at the person next to her. To look at the man you had no doubt was Yeosang, and you try to fight it, but quickly realize there's no hope in fighting the inevitable. Slowly, you look over to the right and try to stop the gasp that leaves you.

Standing before you was a prince. There was no other way to describe him. He was ethereal, otherworldly. His skin was perfection. There wasn't a mark on it besides what looked to be a birthmark near his left eye that made him no less attractive. In fact, it added an allure to him that intrigued you beyond words. His pouty lips complimented his round cheeks in a way that made him seem softer, more delicate.

You meet his brown eyes as they stare at you curiously before you notice his brow furrow in confusion. A weird look crosses his face and that's when you know he can feel the pull because you can feel it too. It was like every fiber of your being wanted you closer to him, wanted you to unite with him.

You shake your head when you hear an "excuse me" and realize the three of you are still blocking the entrance to the coffee shop. You move away and back onto the sidewalk and the couple follows you, much to your dismay. You take in the look on Mijung's face and mentally prepare yourself for what was to come. She knew this was the perfect opportunity for the two of you to finally meet.

"Y/N! I'm so glad we ran into you. I've been dying for you to meet Yeosang!" She says with a spark in her eyes that you can't interpret.

You glance over at him and he offers you a tight-lipped smile. "Hello."

Your eyes fall closed at this voice. It was deliciously deep and may be the most calming thing you've ever heard.

When you realize what you're doing, you snap your eyes open and offer him a small smile and nod. You were determined to not say anything. The last thing you wanted was to cause a scene in the middle of freaking town.

Mijung notices your lack of voice and you can see her frustration build, but you had to remind yourself that you were doing this for her. For both of you. The more you were in Yeosang's presence, though, the less you cared about their relationship.

Why were you so willing to let your soulmate go? Why didn't you deserve a little happiness for once?

Before Mijung can call you out on your behavior, the door to the coffee shop flies open and a group of teens come out, snagging your attention for a moment. You notice the one who opened the door with his back continue to walk backward, but you think nothing of it until he slams right into you.

He spins around in surprise at the collision and spills his warm coffee right onto you. You hear Mijung and Yeosang gasp, while you hiss in shock, expecting his coffee to be hot, but relax when you realize it's more lukewarm than anything. Thank god, because getting burned was not on your list of things to do today.

"Oh my god! Are you okay?" The teenage boy panics.

He grabs napkins from his friend’s hand and begins wiping at the sleeve of your shirt. You look down at what he's doing and see a growing brown stain covering your sleeve. You appreciate his effort, but it's way too late to save it.

"I'm so sorry for ruining your shirt! I'll buy you a new one, I promise!" The boy shouts, still in full panic mode.

You grab his hands in an effort to calm him down, and to stop him from pulling at your shirt some more. You look him directly in the eyes and give him a small smile.

"It's an old shirt, anyway... and I'm okay, really."

"Are you sure? I'm so sorry..."

"Yes. I'm fine. It's not a big deal," you softly tell him.

The teenage boy looks at you like he's not sure if he should believe you before slowly nodding his head.

"I'm really sorry... again..." He tells you as he backs away from you. Realizing that's what got him into trouble the first time, he whips around and hurries after his friends.

You watch him go for a minute and sigh as you feel the liquid on your shirt become cold. Great. Now you were gonna have to... Your mind trails off as you begin to remember what was going on before the coffee incident. Shit...

You slowly turn to look at the couple next to you. Taking a deep breath, your eyes meet Yeosang's shocked ones as he searches your face in wonder.

"You're my soulmate..."

"Yeah..." you softly say.

A noise comes from next to you that snags both of your attention. You look over at Mijung, who was completely frozen beside Yeosang. Heartbreak and pain are clearly etched on her features as she takes in what's happening.

Yeosang looks between the two of you, confusion and sadness crossing his face as he tries to figure out what to do. You remember what Mijung had said when she was telling you about Yeosang. How he apparently didn't care if he found his soulmate and that he wanted to be with her.

A part of you wondered if that would change now that he met you. The soulmate bond was intense and everything in you wanted, needed, to be near Yeosang. Would he really try to ignore the soulmate bond? Did he still want to?

"You're his... That's why you've been ignoring me..."

"Mijung... I'm so sorry..."

"Are you?" She roughly asks while her eyes flash with anger. "You thought we were stupid for ignoring the soulmate bond. You probably think this is what I deserve, don't you?"

Your head jerks back like you've been slapped. "What the hell are you talking about? It's not like I planned this.

"Whatever," she spits before turning and nearly running the opposite way.

Yeosang continues to stand there for a moment, not knowing what to do. His eyes flit between you and Mijung's retreating figure. You see the longing in his gaze, but don't know who it's for.

His eyes fall close, and he takes a deep breath. When he opens them again, he looks back at you.

"I'm sorry..."

Your heart stutters at those words, and you know exactly why he's saying them. He was going after Mijung. He was going to stay with her.

It feels like your heart cracks as Yeosang turns away from you. With each step he takes, it feels like it gets harder to breathe. A part of you likes to think that his slow movements are because he's feeling everything that you do, but you have no way to know for sure. You silently stand there alone as you watch the one person who's supposed to love you walk away.

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The next couple of weeks pass by in a blur. You fall into a boring, consistent routine of work and home. The only other time you bothered to leave the house was to see Yunho or get groceries.

Life felt like it lost its sparkle ever since your soulmate left you, and it was easy to find yourself staring off into space for long amounts of time. You, also, often found yourself feeling anxious and even a little bit twitchy. Your body knew something wasn't right, and it didn't know what to do about it.

The first week was the hardest. The rejection was still fresh and the knowledge that your soulmate and best friend were together when they knew the truth, was like a slice to the chest.

Avoiding them was easy because they avoided you just as much. It was like they were pretending what they found out didn't happen. They were continuing to live in their fantasy world.

When you got a phone call from Mijung the following week, you were surprised. You weren't ready to talk to her. You didn't want to hear her apologies or excuses, so you ignored it, and the dozens of calls after that. You couldn't really be mad at Mijung for fighting for what she wanted, but that didn't mean you were ready to face her and go back to being normal again.

Yunho respected your thoughts and feelings and didn't try to force you to forgive her, especially when he found out the real reason behind your actions, which you were thankful for. To say he was shocked that Yeosang was your soulmate was an understatement, and he was just as upset with Mijung’s actions as you were.

However, Yunho was always quicker to forgive people than you were. He went back to hanging out with Mijung and Yeosang fairly quickly, and when he asked if you had talked to your soulmate, you were confused. How would you have talked to him? Why would he want to talk to you?

That was the part that hurt the most. Yeosang knew who you were, and he didn't want to do anything about it. He wanted to live in the fantasy world he and Mijung had created, and as much as you wanted to pretend you were okay with it, you weren't.

What would even happen when he and Mijung broke up? Did he think he could come crawling back to you? Finally give his soulmate a chance? You didn't want to be a second choice for anyone, especially your soulmate. No fucking way.

Also, how could you be with someone who was in love with someone else? Your best friend at that? How could you be intimate with someone who had been intimate with your best friend? Who had chosen her? Could you compete with that? With what they had? Did you even want to?

Not to mention, how could the three of you ever be in the same room together? Whether Yeosang was with her or with you? The awkwardness, guilt, and pain the three of you would feel was something you wanted to physically crawl away and hide from.

You pull yourself away from the horrifying and self-deprecating thoughts that were trying to penetrate your mind and look down at your phone with a sigh. Before you could even finish the thought about Yunho being late, the tall man rushes into the coffee shop, his eyes searching for you. Once he spots you, he books it for your table with an apologetic smile.

"I'm so sorry I'm late."

You regard him like you're annoyed, but you really aren't. "I'll forgive you if you buy me a muffin."

"Consider it done," he says, smirking at your ploy to get free food.

You silently watch as he gets up to order himself a coffee and you an apology muffin.

Yunho had asked you to go get coffee with him today because he had something he wanted to talk about with you. You weren't stupid. You knew he wanted to talk to you about Mijung, and his sudden request for a coffee date instead of hanging out at one of your apartments like you usually did, clued you in on it. Especially, when you knew he had hung out with Mijung yesterday.

For the next 30 minutes, you're able to avoid the topics of Mijung, Yeosang, and soulmates all together, but you know Yunho isn't letting you leave this coffee shop until he talks about whatever he wants to talk about.

"They broke up."

You pause with your coffee halfway up to your mouth as you process his words. He takes your actions as an encouragement to continue.

"They tried to make it work for a couple days, but neither of them could move past what happened... That's why Mijung has been calling you."

You clear your throat and put your cup back on the table. What were you supposed to say? That sucks? You're sorry they didn't work out? Because you weren't. Actually... you didn't know what you were.

"I don't really... know what you want me to say?"

Yunho sighs, "Mijung feels really guilty. She knew that you wanted to be with your soulmate... and she knew she was in the way of that..."

"So, she broke up with him?"

Yunho shakes his head no. "It was mutual. She felt guilty and Yeosang... well, Yeosang felt the change. I guess when they say something clicks into place, they're right... Yeosang wants to be with you, or at least get to know you..."

He pauses to take in your reaction, but you offer him nothing. However, he does sigh when he sees your cautious gaze. "I'm not trying to tell you what you should do here, but... he's your soulmate, Y/N. I know you, and I know you're not going to avoid your soulmate for the rest of your life."

You pick your cup back up and bring it to your lips as you avoid Yunho's eyes. He was right. You wanted that soulmate bond, and now that Mijung was out of the way, you could have it, but it still didn't sit right with you.

Once the lukewarm liquid goes down your throat, you ask, "What do you think I should do?"

"Talk to them," Yunho says without hesitation.

You sigh, "I don't know if I'm quite ready to talk to Mijung... and I don't even know how to reach Yeosang."

Yunho tilts his head as an odd look crosses his face. "Yeosang says he's tried calling you quite a few times."

Your brows furrow in confusion before it clicks into place. You had been getting calls from a number you didn't recognize, but you kept ignoring them because you didn't answer calls from unknown numbers. It had been Yeosang calling you this whole time? Why wouldn’t he leave a voicemail or send a text when you continuously didn't answer?

You ponder over what to do the entire trip home. Should you call Yeosang? Wait until he calls you again? What are you going to do about Mijung? You had almost left your coffee date with Yunho with more questions than you originally had, and now you were more frustrated than ever.

You continue to process everything you had learned as you trek up to your apartment. They had tried to make it work... Tried to be together knowing who you were... Mijung knew how much you wanted to be with your soulmate, and Yeosang felt the same things you did when he figured out who you were, but Mijung...

Mijung was standing right in front of you.

You pause in the middle of the hallway and eye Mijung while she stands next to your apartment door. The thought of making a quick escape and avoiding her fleetingly crosses your mind, but the option is quickly taken from you when Mijung's eyes spot you.

"Hey..." She starts, taking a step toward you before stopping.

You take in her twiddling fingers and anxious gaze. She's nervous to talk to you. She's scared you're going to freak out on her or slam the door in her face.

You take a step toward her, and then another until you're outside of your apartment door. Mijung bites her lip as she watches you, but you ignore her and open your door. You don't take a step inside, though. Instead, you wave your hand into your apartment as an "after you" gesture.

Mijung takes the hint, but before she steps all the way into your apartment, she pauses and turns to you. When she throws her arms around you in an awkward hug, you freeze, not expecting it.

"I'm so sorry..."

You bring your hand up and awkwardly pat her back. "Let's get into the apartment before we talk. My neighbors are nosey, and I don't want them to know what's going on."

Mijung nods and pulls away from you. Once you're free from her limbs, you shut your apartment door and walk towards your couch, knowing Mijung will follow you.

When you're both sitting down, Mijung immediately turns to you and picks up from where she left off. "I'm sorry... I shouldn't have tried to continue a relationship with him after finding out you are his soulmate. That was such a shitty thing to do. I know how excited you were to be with your soulmate... but I just loved him. I didn't want to give him up… I was being selfish."

You slowly take in her words. "Believe me... Nobody expected this to happen."

She gives you a sad smile and the two of you fall into silence. You're not surprised when she breaks it because you didn't have much to say at the moment.

"You should call him."

You snap your head to look over at her. "What?"

"Y/N, he's your soulmate. You should be with him," she tells you through misty eyes. "He's a good guy and he deserves to be happy, and you're the one person on this planet that will make him happy. That will complete him."

Surprise floods you at her words. "But what about you?"

She looks away and sighs. "I'll meet my soulmate one day... Who knows? It could even happen tomorrow. Life is odd like that."

You give Mijung a confused look and wonder who the heck this person next to you is. Mijung wasn't wistful like this. She wasn't one to dream about her soulmate.

She looks over and catches the expression on your face, which causes her to laugh. "I know. Who am I? ...Things were great with Yeosang, and if being with your soulmate is even better? Then I want that. For both of us."

"Yeosang wanted to be with you, though... He knew who I was, and he still left with you," you quietly admit part of your fears.

A guilty look crosses her face. "That was... my fault... He didn't want me to be upset, and I was so bound and determined to say, 'screw soulmates', I don't think he even knew what to do. That's why he followed me..."

She pauses like she's working up the nerve to admit to something, and when she finally does, a sick feeling grows in the pit of your stomach.

"Yeosang wasn't the one who wanted to ignore our soulmates... That was all me, and I kept trying to push him into wanting the same thing as I did, but I knew that was over the second he saw you... He stayed with me for those couple of days because I begged him to... but he was different. I think he tried to hide how he was really feeling from me, but it was obvious he didn't want to be there anymore. He was mentally checked out. Distracted, distant, and overall, just sad. When he sat me down to talk, I knew what it was about. He wanted to pursue something with you. He couldn't be with me anymore."

So many thoughts swirled through your head, you didn’t know which one to focus on.

This entire time, you were under the impression that Yeosang didn’t want to be with his soulmate. That he wanted to be with Mijung, and he didn’t care if he met his soulmate or not… but that was all Mijung? It was Mijung’s idea to ignore soulmates? Did he even say those things or was it all just Mijung’s wishful thinking?

Also, they were only together for a couple of days? She begged him to stay with her? A part of you was so mad at Mijung. That she purposely ruined this for you and convinced your soulmate to stay with her. How could she do this to you? To Yeosang?

Then again, another part of you was elated. Yeosang wants to be with you. He’s always wanted to be with his soulmate. He’s even tried contacting you multiple times. He hadn’t really rejected you…

“Yeosang wanted to be with his soulmate?” You ask for clarification. When she meekly nods, you continue. “It was you alone saying, ‘screw soulmates’?”

“Yes… and it was me who tried to continue the relationship afterward. Yeosang’s just too good of a guy to kick me to the curb.”

You hum in thought because what are you supposed to say? If you let your true thoughts and feelings out right now, you might end up smacking Mijung for pulling something so disgusting. For trying to keep soulmates from coming together when they’re two people she claims to “love”.

“Y/N… he’s your soulmate… He wants to be with you, not me, and he always has. Plus, there’s a reason the universe wants the two of you together… so you should call him and meet up.”

Your head was extra fuzzy now as Mijung suggests you call Yeosang again. She had just dumped a shit ton of information on you and it was a lot to process. You were gonna need a clear head before you talk to him about any of this.

While you are trying to work through your inner turmoil, you don’t notice Mijung reaching for your phone until it’s too late. You look up in confusion as she jumps up from your couch. Her head is down as she furiously types something on what you come to realize is your phone.

Before you can jump up and snatch it back, she drops it into your lap with a smile. “This is just the start of me trying to make up for what I did.”

You watch in complete confusion as she makes a beeline for your door before looking down at your phone to see what she did. When you see that the call screen is up and your phone is currently in the process of calling someone, you panic.

You recognize that number. You’ve had multiple missed calls from that number the past couple of weeks.

A deep voice answers the phone and suddenly you forget how to breathe.

“Hello?”

You open your mouth to say something, but absolutely nothing comes out. You can hear Yeosang’s soft breaths as he waits for you to say something, but you can’t make yourself do it.

“Y/N?”

Your eyes fall closed as he softly says your name. You had never heard it sound more beautiful than in that moment. It was almost like a caress. You force your eyes open and take a deep breath. You had to say something before he hung up.

“Hey, Yeosang…”

It’s quiet for a moment before you hear, “It’s really good to hear your voice…”

“Yours too…” You let out a soft laugh. “This is awkward, isn’t it?”

“Only if we let it be.”

The slight determination in his voice eases your anxiety. He was right. It was only going to be awkward if you made it that way. You take another breath.

“Would you like to meet up somewhere?”

“Yes,” he replies without hesitation, almost before you can finish asking.

You hold back the laugh that wants to come out and suggest meeting at a park close to the coffee shop that you met at. Once Yeosang agrees, you hang up and feel the butterflies in your stomach start to crawl up your throat.

You are really going to do it. You’re going to meet up with your soulmate, and this time you don’t have to worry about anyone else, but the two of you.

You look down at the clothes you wore on your coffee date with Yunho and immediately get up to change. You quickly throw on a pair of your softest blue jeans and an off-the-shoulder long sleeve shirt. It was a comfy, casual look, and you didn’t look like a slob so that was good. Plus, the only other time he’s seen you, you had coffee all over your shirt, so this was a vast improvement.

You run your fingers through your hair to make it seem a little more put together and throw on some Chapstick before running for the door. The two of you decided to meet up right away, so you only had a few minutes to make yourself presentable, and this would have to do.

As you walk up to the park, your anxiety doubles and you let your thoughts consume you. Was this gonna be awkward? What were you going to say? What was he going to say?

When you step onto the path that leads into the park, it’s almost like your body knows exactly where to go before your mind does. You find yourself making a beeline for the bench that sat next to a beautiful stone fountain, and when you get there, you’re not surprised to see Yeosang already there waiting. A part of you knew he would be.

When you step up next to the bench, Yeosang turns to look at the sound and shoots up from his seat when he sees you, his eyes lighting up in excitement. A shy smile graces his face and you know a matching one is present on yours.

“You made it.” He happily says as he gestures for you to sit on the bench.

“I invited you here… Of course, I was gonna make it.” You softly laugh as you take a seat.

“Right…” he bites his lip for a moment as he settles back into his spot, “but it’s just nice to see you again.”

His eyes scan you from head-to-toe like he’s taking you in for the first time, and maybe he is. Considering how hectic it was the first time you met.

You meet his gaze and, as stupid as it sounds, the world stops. For one moment, you don’t hear the rustle of the trees, you don’t see the splashing of the fountain, you don’t feel the cold stone you sit on, all there is, is Yeosang and you. Suddenly, it’s like everything clicks into place, and that rightness you felt before settles deep into your chest. This is where you’re supposed to be. This is your person for the rest of your existence.

“Do you feel that?” He quietly asks in awe.

You almost couldn’t speak. It was like words evaded your mind and ceased to exist, but you somehow grasp onto some and are able to form a coherent sentence.

“The connection…” you trail off, nodding. “I never thought it’d be like this…”

It consumed you, and you would be content never existing outside of this moment again… but all too quickly it was over. The trees rustled once more, the water continued to splash in the fountain, and the stone beneath you became solid again, but there was something new in the air. Something that wasn’t there before but would be there for the rest of your life.

Yeosang clears his throat and reaches for your hand like it’s the most natural thing in the world. His hands are soft, and his touch is light, but he’s suddenly become your anchor, keeping you grounded and safe.

“I can’t believe I was stupid enough to ignore the soulmate bond for even a second…” He says, his eyes searching yours. “I’m so sorry…”

You immediately shake your head. “You don’t have to apologize. I ignored it too… even longer than you did…”

You feel so stupid for letting him slip through your fingers for all that time. For letting this moment continuously get pushed further away from you. You should’ve never run out of the kitchen that day… You should’ve let the cards deal how they were supposed to, instead of trying to fight fate.

“I do have to apologize for walking away from you. Mijung could’ve waited. You’re more important.”

“Well… We can only go forward from here… so let’s forget about the past.” Yeosang hums in agreement. “Although, I will say this wasn’t how I thought I’d find my soulmate.”

He lets out a deep laugh. “Yeah, I couldn’t have predicted this at all.”

You fall into a serene silence, processing everything happening in the moment until Yeosang breaks it.

“I was so excited to meet you… Mijung had already talked you up a lot, and then when my friends told me about you, I almost couldn’t wait any longer.”

You pause, remembering when you met his two friends at Mijung’s… and how odd you acted before you ran out… What kind of impression did you leave on them?

“What did your friends say about me?”

An awkward expression graces his beautiful face. “Well… Wooyoung thought you were kind of weird… but San said you were super nice and that he thought you’d be cool. Once we figured out why you apparently ran out of the kitchen like it was on fire, San made Wooyoung take back his weird comment, which, of course, ended up with the two of them bickering.”

You stifle a laugh and try to figure out what about the scenario made Yeosang excited to meet you. You didn’t sound like anything especially great, and nice was something you said when you didn’t know how to describe somebody. You don’t let it bother you, though. You did act weird, so there was no other impression they could’ve had, but you weren’t worried. You’d change their minds in the future.

“How come you didn’t leave me any voicemails or texts? I would’ve responded a lot sooner if I knew it was you…”

“And say what?” He asks with a wry smile. “I’m sorry for leaving you standing there on the sidewalk in a coffee-stained shirt, can you call me back?”

You shake your head at him and try to fight the smile that wanted to permanently be on your face. “I would’ve answered to that…”

Yeosang bites his lip before smiling and nodding. “I’ll remember that for the future.”

His words fill the air with an almost crackling intensity. The future… What would the future hold for the two of you? Yeosang must’ve felt it too, because he turns his whole body to face you, bringing his leg up on the bench so he’s not awkwardly twisted, but still managing to maintain his grip on your hand.

“I know…” he starts before looking down at your entwined hands and playing with your fingers. “I know it’s gonna be awkward with Mijung… but I want to be with my soulmate… I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and not waste any more time.”

He stops playing with your fingers and looks up to intently search your gaze. He was right. Things were going to be awkward with Mijung, but you didn’t care. He was your soulmate and you wanted to be with him as badly as he wanted to be with you. The rest of it you could figure out together…

Because you’ve found your soulmate. The one being on this planet meant for you. The one who will always understand you and be by your side until your last day… and maybe even beyond that…

Because he was yours and you were his…

“I’d love that.”

Tagging: @to-all-the-stories-i-love​, @skittlez-area512​, @wanderingatiny​

[soldierswar]

Kobik - Chapter I

Bucky x Reader

(Fluff, Angst)

Plot: You and Bucky's relationship is anything but ordinary. Something that you've been used to since day one. But one day when Bucky brings home an unexpected little guest with superpowers, you reluctantly find yourself thrusted into something close to parenthood much sooner than you had ever expected to be.

Notes: I've been obsessed with Kobik and Bucky's father/daughter relationship with her since I read the Thunderbolts comics. Enjoy protective dad!Bucky.

        *Ring* *Ring* *Ring*

           “I’ve got to change that ring tone,” was your first thought after your atrociously loud phone woke you up in the middle of your mid-day nap. But you always felt the need to keep it off silent when Bucky was away from you for emergency use.

           You groggily propped yourself up and picked up the phone.

           “Everything okay?”

           “Let me guess. You just woke up?”

           There were no signs of real distress in his voice. So why the hell was he calling instead of texting?

           “Mmmmm,” you groaned.

           You being an investigative journalist had just finished working on an important writing piece that took over a month and a half to write. A piece that involved multiple trips across the ocean for in-person research. So you were pretty exhausted nowadays.

           “What’s up?” you asked mid-yawn.

           “Y/N…I need you to meet me somewhere as soon as possible. At…our spot.”

           Now you began to get worried.

You and Bucky had a special secluded spot in a nearby building that had been abandoned halfway through its being built years ago. It was safe to assume that it was just another private abandoned project after the blip that was never followed up on. So you and Bucky deemed it your secret place to go to if you needed to talk about something urgent where nobody could hear or see you.

           “Are you in some kind of trouble? Do we need a lawy—”

           “No, Y/N. It doesn’t have anything to do about me…for the most part.”

           “For the most part?”

           You could suddenly hear Sam’s voice echoing in the background again.

           “How worried do I need to be, Barnes?”  

           He hesitated.

Those pauses always made you incredibly anxious, and he knew that.

           “Are you safe? Are we safe?”  

           Another pause as he swallowed nervously.

           “James?”

           “I wouldn’t have called for you to come if I didn’t think that we’d be safe.”

           You shook your head. And although he couldn’t see it, he knew you enough to know that that was exactly what you were doing.

           “You trust me?”

           “Would I have married you if I didn’t?” you sighed lightheartedly.

           “I can be there in 30, okay?”

           And before you could hang up he said those three words that almost never faltered in making you smile, even in the worst of time.

           “I love you.”

…

           Despite the fact that he said that there was nothing really to be truly worried about, you couldn’t help but feel a pulsing anxiety surge through your body. In the years that you had been together, you never really had to use your spot for any type of unexpected emergency.

           You stumbled your way to the building being careful to not fall over the chunks of broken concrete protruding from the dirt before making your way to the door that was almost completely broken off minus two feet of it from the bottom still hinged to the door frame.

           “Hey,” said a familiar voice.

You turned around to see your husband’s beautiful face. You hadn’t seen Bucky in almost a week, so when he wrapped you in his arms you had no choice but to feel nothing but comfort and warmth. But after a two-second tender moment, you snapped out of it.

           “James,” you said.

“What is this about? Why am I here?”

           Before he could say anything, you could hear  Sam’s voice in another area of the house. It sounded almost as though he were giving orders to someone. Which was then followed by the echoes of a little childlike voice…

           You shook your head and reasoned that you were either hearing things, or things were about to get really weird.

           “Bucky,” you said raising your voice and crossing your arms.

           “How bad can it be?”

           Suddenly the only sound in the house was the sound of little footsteps sprinting towards you followed by Sam’s voice.

           “Kobi—”

           And right before your eyes, there was a little girl. A little girl that couldn’t have been older than 4 or 5 years old. She was incredibly pale and had blonde – No, white hair in two high pigtails. But the strangest thing about her was her inhumanly glowing blue eyes.

           “Everything okay Buckaroo?” she asked seeming concerned about him.

           “Shit,” Sam said under his breath as Bucky gave him a death stare.

           “Kobik,” Bucky scolded lightly, crossing his arms.

           “I told you not to come out until I said –”

           “I know,” she said as her little face and shoulders fell.

           “But someone seemed mad at you. Are you okay?”

           She turned her gaze over to you and gave you a once-over as if she were scanning you to see if you were a stranger and potential threat to your own husband.

           Sam finally joined you guys looking somewhat embarrassed.

           “Sorry, I couldn’t stop her.”  

           Now you were staring at Sam giving him the “What the hell is going on?” look.

           He didn’t seem like he wanted to be the one to answer.

Great, now you had two men who didn’t want to answer any questions about the strangest looking child that you had ever seen.  

           “Kobik,” Bucky said.

           “This is my wife, Y/N.”

           Her intense stare immediately softened, which eventually evolved into a big smile, and waved at you.

           “Hi!”

           You were awestruck, and couldn’t even answer. You just turned your stunned gaze away from her and back on to Bucky.

           “Bucky…” you said under your breath.

“I’m gonna ask you again. Why am I here?”

…

           Bucky took you outside next to a pile of large concrete rocks to sit on which you were grateful for because you were feeling pretty dizzy, and even felt a little sick.

Who was she? Did he have a kid that he decided to never tell you about? Did he feel the need to take her for some reason? Those were all logical thoughts that any rational human could think up for this type of situation. Right? And also, why did the poor thing look like…the way that she did?

           But when you finally did get Bucky to talk, everything came out of his mouth exceeded anything that you could ever imagine. In fact, for a moment of time if felt as though you were watching Bucky say a bunch of nonsensical sentences pre-exploding brain aneurism.

           But the longer he continued to speak, you realized that he was serious. This wasn’t some type of psychiatric meltdown or a sick joke.

           You shook your head as he reached over to put a comforting hand on your upper arm.

           “I know it sounds crazy, Y/N but—”

           “Crazy? No,” you shuddered, pulling away.

           “Crazy would be telling me that, I don’t know, you had some kind of accident child with someone during our marriage and you’re just bringing her over to tell me for the first time.”

           He opened his mouth to say something but you shoved your index finger in his face to continue.

           “Crazy would be telling me that you found a literal child with superpowers and you just decided to take her to see what she’ll do. But you’re meaning to tell me that it’s not even a human?”

           “Y/N—”

“You’re meaning to tell me,” you said pointing to the door.

           “That I’m supposed to believe that some extremely powerful force of ‘cosmic energy’ formed itself into a little girl, and you decided to make the impulsive decision of just taking it with you?”  

           “It’s not like that, Y/N,” he replied.

           “I’ve known about her for a little over a year now.”

           You couldn’t lie, that shocked you a little bit.

           “A year?”

           “Listen,” he said.

           “A year and a half ago were investigating a situation in Norway. One thing led to another and we ended up in an underground science lab with two scientists observing some type of glowing anomaly in the shape of a cube that they were carefully monitoring and studying. Sam and I made it our responsibility to keep this hidden and make sure it stays hidden.”  

           “So what does this have to do with—”

           He stopped you from finishing your sentence.

           “Two months later they call us to fly over and it seems that overnight this glowing anomaly somehow formed itself into this little girl that calls herself Kobik.”

           If you didn’t trust him as much as you did, you would be calling bullshit at this point. You didn’t even know that these kinds of things were humanly possible. Granted, you also didn’t think it humanly possible for a bunch of aliens to pretty much destroy New York, or for another batch of aliens to come down and somehow make half of the earth’s—No, the universe’s population disappear. So you continued to listen.

           “A few days ago we get a notice that the lab’s been breached, and by the time we got there, the two scientists are dead. When we get there to check out the scene we find that the five grown men that broke in were also dead. And a minute later we found Kobik shaking all alone in a corner.”  

           Your heart broke for her for a split second. But then you let his words sink in before realizing...

           “Wait,” you said

           “You said the intruders were dead.”

           He nodded.

           “Who killed…”

           He knew that you knew that answer.

           “She had to defend herself,” he shrugged.

           “And how did she do that, Bucky? She’s tiny.”

           And that’s when you realized that there was even more to the story.

           “Once she took form, they made it their focus to study the extent of her powers along with her behaviors. She talks, plays, and overall acts like a child of the age that she took form in…But in the wrong hands she could be used and abused into being a powerful weapon.”

           “So why did you take it?” You asked.

“It obviously can defend itself.”

           He didn’t seem thrilled about you talking about it like it was an inanimate object.

           “We don’t know if it was a fluke or not. She may not know how to properly defend herself and won’t get so lucky the next time. Next thing you know she could end up in the wrong hands. And she was scared, Y/N. I…We couldn’t just leave her.”

           You stressfully ran your fingers against your scalp through your hair.  

           “So what now?” you asked.

“She’s going to just stay here? In this abandoned half build house?”  

“No.”  

“…So is Sam going to keep her somewhere?”

The longer he stared at you the dizzier you started getting, understanding what he was actually asking.

“Y/N,” he said softly.

“I’m the only one she trusts.”

His last words fell into the background as you suddenly leaned over and threw up the entirety of your lunch…maybe even breakfast.

He held your hair back until you finally stopped.

“Bucky, you’re not saying,” you croaked while wiping your mouth.

“Tell me you’re not saying that you want to take her in.”

“Y/N, she’s scared. And I’m the only one she trusts to be around.”

You shot up and involuntarily started shaking your head.

No. This was not happening. He was not bringing a lethal science experiment into our house.

The world began to spin again as you probably got up too quickly, but you were good at playing it off. Why couldn’t he just be normal and bring an abandoned puppy home or something?

Regardless, there was no way that this could happen. There was no way that you could let this happen. You didn’t know who was going to invade your house to try to come to collect it. Much worse, you didn’t know how dangerous this thing was. What it could do to either of you when you least expected. What if it…she got startled in the middle of the night and activated some type of lasers in her eyes and cut you in half?

So you said what you needed to say.  

“No.”    

“Y/N,” he replied sympathetically.

“I know that this may be a lot so suddenly but—”

“No!” you said again putting your foot down.

“We can’t…Not right now. It’s not a good time”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Damn it.

“This isn’t some abandoned puppy that you found across the road, James! You brought home this radioactive weapon that people, might I add, bad people are looking for. And they’re not even the ones that I’m scared of!”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“After all that just came out of your mouth in the past 15 minutes, you really just had the nerve to tell me that I’m the one that’s not making any sense?” you exclaimed.

“What doesn’t make any sense is that your excuse is that this isn’t the right time. What do you mean by it’s not the right time, Y/N?”

“We…I have a lot of serious shit going on right now, okay?”

“I thought you were taking time off of work,” he pointed out.

“I am, okay? It’s just…”  

You paused, you didn’t know what to say or even how to say it.

“Is there something that I need to know? What does timing have to do with anything?”

“I…well…” you stuttered.

“Spit it out, Y/N.”

You sighed in defeat. You didn’t have a choice now.

“Because damnit, Bucky!” you shouted, startling yourself by how loud you were. But there was no stopping now.

“I’m pregnant.”

[babybluebex]

Hi, i was wondering if you could write something where Sebastian Stan is a dad to a little boy and the one who always reads to him before bed, but one night Seb is very tired after shooting, and reader is the one putting him to bed, but the little one refuses to go to sleep until Seb reads to him.

Sorry for my bad Engish, it's not my first languaje. Also, if you don't want to write this I totally understand. 🥰

no! i love the idea!! i tweaked it a bit to fit an idea i was already writing, so i hope you liked what i did with it :) and ur english is perfect my love

goodnight, sleep tight [sebastian stan x reader]

➽ pairing: dad!sebastian stan x fem!reader( y/n) ➽ word count: 2.2k ➽ summary: see above! ➽ warnings: mentions of postpartum depression, angst ➽ a/n: the image of seb in bucky’s costume, getting a little baby to fall asleep makes me go uwu

“Are you guys coming to set today?” Sebastian asked, pressing a kiss to my head. 

“I’ll see if Andy wants to,” I mumbled with a yawn. My husband’s call time was six AM, which was so much earlier than I ever wanted to be awake, so he usually woke me up with a goodbye kiss. “I think we can manage it, though.” 

“Ah, well,” Sebastian shrugged. “He’s barely a year old. I think he’ll like it.” 

“But he’s also your son,” I countered. 

“What does that mean?” Sebastian asked. Even in the dark of the room, I could see the happy glint in his blue eyes. 

“He’s stubborn,” I said. “Won’t do anything if he doesn’t want to.” 

“That’s not a ‘me’ thing,” Sebastian told me. “That’s a Romanian thing. We’re stubborn people.” 

“Regardless,” I sighed. “I think he might be scared of the costume. The mask and the arm and all; it might be a bit much.” 

“He’ll be able to tell it’s me,” Sebastian said. “Kids are like dogs, they can recognize people by smell. Right?” 

“Maybe your smell,” I chuckled, my throat dry from the night of sleep. “Mr. Bucket-Of-KY-Jelly.” 

“That was uncalled for,” Sebastian chuckled. He leaned over the bed, bracing his left hand next to me head, and I turned to fully look at him. “I smell great.” 

“When you shower, you do,” I said, scrunching my nose, and Sebastian laughed deep in his chest. He leaned down and brushed his lips against mine, giving me the gentlest of kisses. Sebastian wasn’t usually a gentle creature-- his kisses usually left me with bruised and puffy lips or marks littering my neck and breasts-- but, in the morning, he was so soft and sweet. 

“We’ll continue this later,” Sebastian said. His long hair fell into his face, and I tenderly pushed it behind his ear. Adjusting to the new everything that Seb required for this film was an experience; the long hair, the stubble, and the weight training was grueling for all three of us, especially little Andrei. He missed his daddy dearly, but Sebastian always made up for lost time with nightly tummy-time and stories. Andrei James Stan had loved his dad since before he was born-- the little bastard always kicked up a storm when Sebastian rubbed my belly or talked to me-- and, when he was gone filming something for a long time, Andy got a little upset and overly clingy. Call it separation anxiety or just plain missing his daddy, but Sebastian always made it up to Andy with a special Daddy/Andy night (which also gave me the opportunity to be by myself for a while). 

“I hope not too much later,” I whispered, pulling him down to kiss me again. “I miss you, Seb.” 

“I know, baby,” Sebastian whispered as he pressed his forehead to mine. “I miss you too. Maybe we can get a babysitter or something on Sunday.”

“Great idea,” I said. “Now, you gotta go or you’ll be late.” 

“Ugh,” Sebastian groaned. 

“Go!” I giggled. “My big super-soldier. You gotta show everyone what you’re made of.” 

Just as I spoke, from across the room, Andy made a squealing noise in his crib. The trailer we were living in while Sebastian shot Winter Soldier was a bit small, but it worked perfectly. “Oh, really?” Sebastian said, turning his head to look at Andy. “And what do you think I’m made of, mister?” 

Sebastian moved to his crib as I turned on the lamp, and I watched Sebastian, all muscles and beard and long hair, reach into the crib and pull his infant son into his arms. Andy was born premature, so he was still pretty small, and it made my heart melt. His fluffy hair was in-between a blond and a brown, sorta like how Sebastian’s hair was when he was little, and he had the most beautiful blue eyes. “Really?” Sebastian playfully grimaced, nuzzling his nose against Andy’s. “I think you’re made of yogurt and farts, young man.” 

“Seb!” I snorted. “Don’t say that to him!”

“He is, though!” Sebastian laughed, Andy’s little fist tightening around a lock of his hair. “I don’t see you denying it.” 

“Don’t say our son’s made of farts,” I protested, getting out of bed. “He’s made of wonderful things, like love and kindness--” 

“And yogurt,” Sebastian added. 

“And yogurt,” I acquiesced. Andy did eat a lot of yogurt. “Speaking of, is the little monster hungry? Is that why you’re up so early?” 

Andy nodded, patting his tummy, and Sebastian gave him to me. “Have a good day today, babies,” Sebastian told me, kissing my forehead, then brushing Andy’s hair back and kissing his soft head. “Just text me when you’re coming by.” 

“Sure thing.” 

“This is Sebastian’s baby?” 

Scarlet held Andy in a tender embrace, gazing at him with surprise. She was looking at him with a look of wonderment, like she couldn’t believe that Sebastian of all people could be capable of producing another human being. Nobody on the cast had properly met Andy yet, hence why Andy and I visiting set was such a big deal. “Looks just like him,” she added. 

“Acts like him too,” I chuckled. “Stubborn as hell and eats everything in sight.” 

“Damn, this really is his kid,” Scarlet laughed, and Andy thumped his head down onto her shoulder. “He’s so sweet.”

Andy smiled at Scarlet and gave a happy squeal, and Scarlet turned to face me. “Who’s that?” She asked in a gentle voice, and Andy’s smile turned to me. 

“Mama!” He exclaimed, reaching for me, and Scarlet and I laughed. 

“Smart as hell,” Scarlet added. 

“That comes from me,” I chuckled. Andy took a fistful of my shirt and started to chew on the fabric, but I was used to it. He was teething and chewed on everything; most of my shirts were a little frayed from him. 

“Mean,” said Sebastian from behind me, and I turned and gave a gasp of surprise. I hadn’t ever seen him in full costume before, and it was a shock at first. A leather vest and tight dark jeans, tactical gear everywhere, and a dark mask obscuring the bottom half of his face. And, of course, covering his left arm, a cast-like structure that looked like silver metal with a red star on his shoulder. The arm was covered in little orange dots-- I’m assuming to assist in mo-cap during editing-- and he wore a leather glove on his left hand. 

“Jesus God,” I laughed. “Scared the hell outta me. You look good, babes.” 

“I know,” Sebastian told me, and I knew that he was smirking at me under the mask. “You look beautiful too.” 

“Not really,” I said. “I’m not even wearing makeup.” 

“Still beautiful,” he said, and he reached up and tugged the mask off. He leaned down and, cradling my cheek in his gloved hand, gently kissed my lips. “And the little rascal?” 

“Mm,” I hummed, breaking the kiss. “He’s sleepy. Getting cranky and all.” 

“Has he eaten?” 

“Just did,” I told him. “Before you ask, yes, it was yogurt. But I also gave him some of those blueberry puffy crackers.” 

“Did you save any for me?” Sebastian asked, his eyebrows raising. 

“In my pocket,” I replied. Sebastian and I had quickly discovered that certain baby foods were delicious, especially the fruit-flavored puffy crackers that Andy favored, and I always ended up bringing some with me wherever I went. 

“I know that you’re not eating baby food,” Scarlet laughed as Sebastian reached into my pocket and extracted the plastic bag of star-shaped crackers. 

“They’re good as hell,” Sebastian said, popping a handful into his mouth. “Want one?” 

“I’ll pass,” Scarlet laughed. 

“Ask Mackie, I’m sure he’ll tell you the same,” Sebastian said. Then, he turned his attention back to me. “I could read him a quick story to get him down, if you want.” 

I shrugged. “If you really want to,” I said. 

“Alright, stinker,” Sebastian said, exchanging the crackers for Andy. “Did you bring a book?” 

“Shit, no,” I mumbled. 

“Shit!” 

“Oh, c’mon, man,” I sighed as Scarlet laughed. I frequently forgot that Andy was at the stage where he was repeating things that he heard, and usually Sebastian and I were good about not cussing, because Andy would repeat it for the rest of time. “Don’t expose me like this.” 

“I can come up with a story,” Sebastian said through stifled laughter. “Let’s find a place to get comfy, huh, mister? A nice chair, maybe? I bet Uncle Chris has a really nice chair we can settle in…” 

As he walked away, I felt a presence behind me. I had briefly met Chris at the First Avenger premiere a few years ago, when Sebastian and I weren’t even properly dating yet, but Sebastian and I had eloped, hence no wedding to see him at. “Hey, Evans,” I said and gave him a quick fist bump. 

“Where’re they going?” Chris asked, munching at an orange. 

“To steal your chair in the shade,” I said. “Andy’s getting sleepy and only sleeps when Seb reads him a story.” 

“Cute,” Chris said. “Ya know, Sebastian never shuts up about the two of you.”

“Really?” I asked. “Like, what does he say?”

“Just little stories,” Chris said. “Something you said, or something Andy did. Or just the quick little ‘we had this for dinner’ or ‘we watched this movie last night’. He adores you two.” 

“That’s nice,” I said softly. “I always worry if he’s getting sick of having these two lives. It must be a lot for him.” 

“I can’t read minds,” Chris said. “But I don’t think he could ever get sick of you.”

I nodded slowly. “I was diagnosed with postpartum depression after Andy was born,” I started quietly. “I was so anxious that I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t stop crying, I… I even thought about packing a bag and leaving and not coming back. It was so fucking hard, and I thought for sure that Sebastian would ask for a divorce or something. I guess I’m still a little worried about that. But that’s… That’s really helpful, Chris. Thanks.” 

I tried to contain my tears, but Chris must have seen through my crumbling facade, because he wrapped me in a tight hug. “You’re so strong, Y/N,” he whispered. “Know that I’m proud of you, and Scar, and Mackie, and all of us, but especially Sebastian. Man, he fucking loves you so much. There’s nothing that you could do that would make him hate you or want to divorce you. I don’t know much about your relationship, but I know that.” 

I was glad I wasn’t wearing makeup, because I knew that it would be smeared across my cheeks by now. It was one thing to hear it from Sebastian, but from an outsider like Chris, it meant the world. “Thanks,” I whispered. “That means so fucking much.” 

“And, hey, I kinda know how it goes with a baby,” Chris began. “My sisters have kids, and I’ve played babysitter plenty of times. And I’d say I’m pretty good at it. No complaints so far. So, if you ever need a babysitter to get a break for a night, I’d love to help.” 

“That would be so nice,” I sighed into his shoulder. “Not to be TMI…” I paused to let him stop me, but his hand comfortingly ran up my back. “It’s been a while since it was just… Me and Seb, ya know what I mean?”

“I do,” Chris said. “You have my number.” 

I nodded and detached myself from Chris, and I chuckled as I wiped my face dry. “I’m gonna go find my boys,” I said. “Thanks for that, man.”

“Anytime, Mrs. Stan,” Chris said with a smile. 

It wasn’t hard to find Sebastian and Andrei. They were settled in a canvas chair under a tarp shade, with Andy’s little head resting on his shoulder. He seemed like he was already out like a light. “... So Steve is like ‘Bucky?’ and Bucky looks at his friend and he says ‘Who the hell is Bucky?’, which is not that good. Because Bucky should know who Steve is, right?” 

“Are you telling him spoilers for the movie?” I asked, putting my hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. 

“It’s the only story I could come up with on the spot,” Sebastian said. “But he seems to like it… Or not like it. Does it mean he thinks it’s boring if he falls asleep during it?” 

“I think it means that he loves you,” I said. “And he finds comfort in you, even when you look like that.”

“Look like what?” Sebastian asked. When I didn’t answer and only gave him a playful smile, he said, “When I look like what, Y/N Stan?” 

“So different than usual,” I offered with a shrug, and Sebastian rolled his eyes. 

“You’ll pay for that,” he told me, patting Andy’s back gently. “What were you talking to Chris about?” 

“He was just telling me some nice things,” I said simply. “About how you’re always talking about me and Andy. And he said that he’d babysit whenever we need him to.” 

“Hmm,” Sebastian hummed softly. “Sounds promising. I really miss you, baby.” 

“I miss you too,” I told him. “Now, my love, you have work. Be good and kill Chris for me.” 

“Anything for you, my baby.” 

[writingtoforgetreality]

Help You - Little Movie Star Chapter Six (Jensen Ackles x Daughter!Reader)

[Actors-Masterlist], [Little Movie Star-Masterlist]

Previous Chapter / Next Chapter 

Summary: Your auditions were coming up. You would lie if you said you were not nervous but you remembered your lines. So nothing could go wrong. Maybe something would. But that something was not associated with the auditions.

Words: 2,003

Warnings: nervousness, little fangirl moment, anxiety, dark thoughts, panic attack, a lil sass, fluff, love for Jared <3, (Y/A) = your age

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

~2016~

“You know your lines?” Jensen asked for the thirtieth time today. Honestly, if you did not know better, you would say he was more nervous than you.

“I do, Jensen.” you did not ask him to stop questioning you. All you did was sending him a smile. Seating yourself in front of your laptop, (Jensen gave you his old one so you could write) you breathed slowly & controlled. Yes, you were nervous but you had a good feeling. Jensen & Danneel, both wanting to support you, each took seats right behind the laptop, only for you to see.

The first audition went by smoothly. You remembered all of your lines & implemented what was asked of you. Once you started, your nervousness faded away & you were delivering the lines confidently. At the end, they told you they would let you know as soon as they discussed everything with the rest of the crew.

“I’m proud of you, (Y/N).” Jensen stated after you ended the video call. Nobody had ever told you that. It meant a lot to you & he could tell by the way you reacted. Now, the waiting began. Jared had asked you to text him once you were done & you did. Letting him know that everything went fine.

You were more anxious for the Marvel audition. Unsure why, your heart was racing & your hands were trembling. It was not any different than the first one. Well, except for the fact that THE Russo Brothers were the ones doing the audition. You had been a fan of their work for years & wanted to deliver perfectly. Also, being part of the next Avengers movie? Surreal. You remembered it so clearly, when you watched your first Marvel movie in theaters. It was now or never. Again, Jensen & Danneel stood close by, hoping it would calm you down just the slightest.

Throughout your audition, you forgot your lines once or twice but covered it immediately by improvising a scene that you found fitting. It was weird. Sitting in front of a laptop, acting out a scene you were rehearsing before. You imagined working on film sets with other people to be easier. Here, you could only focus on the screen in front of you & Joe & Anthony Russo were not exactly people you wanted to focus on. Hell, you were acting like a crazy little fangirl.

“So, (Y/N).” Anthony started. “We actually have a few more auditions for this role coming up.” in the corner of your eye, you saw Jensen picking up his phone & walking out of the room. Huh, weird…

“I really don’t think we need to see more, though.” Joe continued.

“What we’re trying to say is that, if you want to, you got the role.” Anthony finished, smiling brightly. What did he just say?

“Really?” you could not believe it. They wanted you! YOU! Someone who had never acted before. The Russo’s simply nodded at you & told you that every piece of information would be sent to you in the following days. Somehow, you managed to end the video call professionally but not before thanking them again & again. They said you were a natural & a perfect addition to their new movie. And you were just loving everything at the moment.

Running over to Danneel, you hugged her tightly. She congratulated you, telling you that this was what you deserved. When you wanted to ask where Jensen was, he reentered the room, a big smile plastered on his face.

“I got the role!”

“You got the role!” the two of you said at the same time.

“What? I thought you were on the phone, how do you know?” how could he know about you getting the role if he was not even there?

“You’re talking about the Marvel one?” his eyes grew wide. You nodded & he pulled you into a hug.

“Today’s your lucky day, angel.” Jensen picked up that nickname from Danneel & you sure as hell were not complaining. “Just got off the phone with our producer. Welcome to the Supernatural Family.” it took you a moment to process what he said.

“Wait…Does that mean-?” Jensen nodded. “Oh my god! This is crazy…” you were pacing now. This being the only thing you could do at the moment.

“Congrats, (Y/N)! We need to celebrate!” he immediately called Jared to tell him the great news.

A celebration party was set up for this evening. Everyone was coming. The Padalecki’s, this time with Tom & Shep (& baby number three that was already growing inside Gen’s belly). Jensen’s parents were invited as well which meant that you would meet them for the first time. You were not a fan of parties, especially when the attention was on you, but Jensen & Danneel were so excited while planning everything, you did not want to ruin it by admitting that you actually disliked events like this. Being the center of a crowd made you uneasy but you just got two acting roles, you could play pretend for a few hours, right?

The party was not as bad as you first expected it to be. Meeting your grandparents for the first time was nice, they welcomed you warmly & told you that they were glad they could finally meet you in person. Everyone here knew about your upcoming roles but you were asked to keep it secret for the time being. People would find out soon enough anyway. This celebration tonight was more than you had ever had. Not even once had you had a birthday party or something similar. You were not used to these kinds of things. Apparently, you should get used to them since such parties occurred more often with these people. Though you had to admit that it would be a challenge for you. You liked each & every one of these people here but still, there were these tiny voices in your head that just would not shut up. Telling you that you did not deserve to have them in your life, that you were not good enough to be an actor, that they were better off without you. Shaking your head to rid yourself of these awful thoughts, you could feel your breathing becoming irregular. Shit, please not now. Not in front of everyone. You had to get out of here, you could not have a full blown panic attack when you were supposed to celebrate & have fun. Looking around the room, you saw that the kids were playing & the others were caught up in a conversation. If you were to make an exit, now would be the time. Without a second thought, you got up & hurried out of the room, heading for the safety of your own bedroom.

Shutting the door behind you, you did not even make it to your bed. You fell down to your knees & crawled the remaining distance to your bed where you sat with your back pressed to it. Your breakdown was stupid, you knew that. You got two acting roles, something you had dreamed about ever since you were little. You had a family where, for the first time, you felt like you actually belonged. Hell, there were people here to celebrate you. But the past always seemed to catch up with you, no matter how hard you tried to move on. You could not breathe. Why could you not breathe? If you did not get yourself together, you might actually pass out. Shit, you could not do this alone. But you also did not have the strength to get up. Your phone was left at the party because you forgot it in your state of panic. Trying to yell for someone to help you, you found that your voice had left you.

Experiencing panic attacks like this was everything but fun. Like you were the main character in a horror movie & you made all the stupid mistakes the audience usually joked about. There was no way to escape. You did not hear the knock on your door, neither did you feel when a presence sat down right next to you. But still, nobody was touching you. And you were grateful for that because who knew how you would have reacted to anyone touching you.

“You gotta breathe for me, (Y/N). In & out, in & out. Try to match my breathing.” was the first thing you heard after minutes. You knew the voice but could not tell who it belonged to. Not that it mattered in the moment. Having someone to tell you how to breathe was all you needed.

“There you go, you’re doing great.” the voice encouraged you. Your breathing slowly returned to normal & you were exhausted like crazy. Looking to your right, you found Jared sitting next to you, smiling slightly. Shit, you just embarrassed yourself in front of him.

“You okay?” he asked, still concerned about you.

“I’m sorry.” your voice was hoarse & it felt like almost every ounce of strength had left your body because of this panic attack.

“Nothing to be sorry for.” he assured you. “I could tell you didn’t hear me right away & I wasn’t sure if you were okay with me touching you so I tried my best to get your breathing back to normal.” you were unsure how to answer him. You knew he struggled with his own mental health. Maybe he thought you were faking this. At least other people always believed you wanted attention whenever you went through an episode like that. It was the exact opposite, if you were completely honest.

Silence filled the room once again. Jared was not done with talking, though.

“Do Jensen & Dee know?” you scoffed at that. If they knew they probably would have never set up this party in the first place.

“I guess that’s a no then.” he answered his question himself. “How long have you had these?” maybe it was the fact that you were too tired, but you found yourself opening up to Jared.

“Ever since I can remember.” admitting something like that was not easy but it was the truth.

“You should tell them.”

“So they have another reason to send me back?” Jared widened his eyes at your statement. Were you really thinking that?

“They would never, & I really mean NEVER, send you back, (Y/N). They care for you a lot & they’d be more than open to help you with this. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“Oh yeah? Well, I’ve been dealing with this for (Y/A) years on my own & I’m doing just fine.” the moment you said it, you heard that you were way too harsh with him. That was not your intention. “Sorry, Jared. I didn’t mean it like that.” looking down to avoid his stare, you waited for him to get up & walk out of your room. He did not, though. No. But his next question caught you off guard.

“You want a hug?” that was all you needed at the moment. A slight nod of your head made Jared pull you closer to his body. His embrace felt like a safe haven & you were happy that he was the one who followed you upstairs. Jared let you hug him for as long as you needed. Right now, you were all that mattered. And if you did not want to tell Jensen or Danneel, he would. They were his best friends & if he knew you were struggling, it was his job to let them know as well.

“We’ll get through this together, I promise.” pressing a soft kiss on the top of your head, he could feel you tightening your grip on him. For once, you wanted to trust another person’s promise. For once, you needed another person to keep their promise. You were not sure if you could keep going otherwise.

~to be continued~

Next Chapter

Published (04/24/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @vicmc624​, @imaginationisgrowth​, @stoneyggirl​, @alyispunk​, @thevelvetseries​, @multifandomlover121​, @samsgirl93​, @supernatural3002​, @diabetes-03, @prettyybubblesintheair, @originalsoulcollector​, @vir-tual, @bellero​, @sergantbuckybarnes​, @namelesslosers​ (let me know if you wanna be tagged <3)

[heresathreebee]

That G-D Ring of Yours

High Fidelity’s Robyn Brooks X Female reader

Summary: You seek comfort from your neighbor Rob

Masterlist

There's probably gonna be a part 2

Word count: 2.5k words

Warning(s): +15 | implied cheating, internalized homophobia, heterosexism, author and Rob swearing, no hate to polyamorists but major hate to bad faith players, shameless self insert, no beta, barely edited, long as fuck I'm so sorry

Author's note: I'm having anxiety for no discernable reason and my brain has decided this is ideal fuel for a fic, so please enjoy. EDIT: ha ha yeah still anxious but we're doing stuff about it

-------------------------------------------------------

"-- And she just touched my hand by accident and I just felt this–  this spark between us…" 

It was so sweet how he was talking about it. Or at least it would be were this not your fiancé explaining how he had been seeing another person behind your back. Had you rushed into things with him? Gotten hitched after three months because of familial pressure to settle down and start your family? Quite possibly.

But it didn't make that stabbing in your gut hurt any less. 

You had been a little gung-ho from date number 1, but he had been right there with you the whole time. Date number 2 happened the following weekend and then you just kept seeing each other more and more until before you knew it you had been introduced to each other's extended families and announced your engagement on Valentine's Day. 

You started to suspect something was amiss on Sunday, when you were braiding your hair on the bed and he had gone to take a shower. He accidentally set his phone screen aside with a text chat still open. Thinking nothing of it (he had already told you he was talking to Mark about getting drinks tonight), you looked at the name and saw it belonged to a woman you had never heard of before. Your immediate reaction was 'she must be a new coworker or a cousin,' but then you glanced again and saw the text conversation mirrored the same kind of ‘sentiments’ he texts you. 

The dirt burned into your brain for eternity: 

You had looked away then. You were actually not going to say anything at all to him that night– had planned to bring it up after Tuesday dinner with your auntie's family, but something came up. It turns out that Jessabelle also frequented the same Starbucks as you (and she's your age, not a teen like you worried). You can't even find it in you to be mad at her since it seemed like she had no idea who you were when she showed you the picture of her date at a baseball game. You tried not to puke as you asked for her number and to send her that picture "for her contact profile." 

You hadn't heard a word your fiance had said since the beginning of the phone call and you cut him off with some excuse you barely remember. You tossed your phone carelessly onto the couch and laid back on the cushions in defeat. What now? 

You weren't really a drinker or a smoker, and you didn't exactly have friends who would be supportive right now. You could hear them now, your family too– asking you what you did wrong, telling you to just forgive him or how to get even, or simply saying 'well what do you expect? Boys will be boys.' 

Maybe… no, you definitely need to get this off your chest before you do something stupid like pretend to forget about it. You had a bad habit of that because you tend to fall fast and hard. Perhaps your neighbor could give you some advice. 

Thank the Lord for fire escapes. Rob lived on the floor beneath you, always playing something good from her huge collection of vinyl records. You've told her at least a hundred times before if she played nothing but Phil Collins for the rest of eternity, you could die happy. You crossed your fingers and hoped you weren't being weird or invading her privacy. 

Thankfully, she seemed to be expecting you. She even motioned that the latch was undone and waved you inside. Ok the second wine glass made your face grow hot. 

"I'm not interrupting am I?" 

Rob gave you a warm smile. "I could hear you pacing around your kitchen for about an hour. Was about to come and get you actually." 

She pressed the glass into your hand and you made an effort not to grimace. Rob liked her drinks cheap and strong and she never held back. You tried a sip just to be polite, and she snorted at the face you pulled. 

"That's right, you like that sweet stuff. What's it called again?" 

"Stella Rosa," you mumbled, grateful when she takes the glass back and hands you a water to replace it. 

"Favorite flavor," she asked looking at her phone. 

"Uh… the peach and the rosé. They're all pretty good, not gonna lie." 

"OK, take this, grab a blanket from the hall closet, and tell me what's going on." 

You curled up on Rob's couch and put your feet up. There were piles of records all over the place, empty beer cans and a pizza box or two on the coffee table. Your neighbor tapped away at her phone screen before silencing it and slipping it in her back pocket. She gave you a minute or two to speak up, sipping her drink like you two had all night. Which actually you did as you did not want to see your fiancé right now. 

You felt two fingers gently tap your forehead. "Come on, dreamer, tell me what's going on in that head of yours." 

You swallow the lump in your throat. "I feel a little over dramatic saying my life is about to fall apart." 

Rob raised her eyebrows at you. "Damn, OK." 

You rush to correct yourself– explain your weird sentiment in more detail but you end up just vomiting words until your voice is hoarse. 

"I mean– like– like it's not falling apart per say or whatever– I… the rest of my life is fine its just my relationship that's screwed. Which I guess I'm more worried about because it's gonna screw up all my other relationships for a while too– dang it, let me start over–" 

"Babe! Slow down. Breathe." Rob switched drinks with you and against your better judgement you took a sip. Oddly enough it did calm you down. "So… it's your fiancé, right? What did he do?" 

You stared at her trying to unscramble your thoughts. "He… I found out he was kind of... dating another person. After I found out, he tried to explain that he didn't think I would mind–" 

Rob barked, "let me guess: he didn't think you were exclusive? Pull the Main Chick, Side Chick schtick? Tried to claim 'polyamory' after he got caught?" 

Two and two clicked together at last. "Yeah… yeah, he did!," you scoffed, "and it's not like it didn't ever come up in conversation: we spent our third date talking out our, like, sexualities and fantasies and fetishes and shit. If he was polyamorous, wh- why wouldn't he have brought it up then?" 

"That is so fucked." 

You took a deeper draft of her wine, coughing before setting it aside. Up until now, you've been numb. Now there's this wave of anger boiling up to the surface and you hear yourself getting louder. Rob doesn't flinch but she does give you this look of empathy unlike anything you've seen before. 

"If he– if he would have just asked me, I would have told him it was fine. My family does shit like that all the time: nobody bats an eye! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, he wouldn't have been so freaking sneaky about it. He literally lied, Robyn!" 

You whipped around and for a brief moment you knew you looked crazy. "He said he was going out for drinks with his guy friend, but he was making plans to go to a baseball game with a girl I've never heard of! If he really thought I wouldn't mind, or if he 'thought I would understand,' then why would go out of his way to lie about who he was with?" 

Someone buzzed Rob's door and she left you on the couch momentarily, coming back quickly with two bottles of your favorite wine. "Damn girl, these are kinda bougie: Peach or Rosé?" 

"I--"you choked, "Robyn you didn't have to–" 

"Peach it is!" She unscrewed the caps and handed you the whole freaking bottle of white, downing the last of her merlot and getting a fresh glass for you. 

You felt a little guilty she had spent money on you. But then again it had been her choice. If she didn't want you there, Rob wouldn't have let you in in the first place. Maybe you were just a tinsy bit worried you shouldn't be here. 

You and Rob took a break from talking to put on music and get a little tipsy. It came much easier with the help of the Stella Rosa, though Rob initially complained it was 5.5%, she did get accustomed to the sweetness pretty fast, and after consuming half the bottle, realized it was a little easier to get carried away with a drink like this. She admitted it was her first time trying rosé and now she was hooked. Eventually you started talking again, just spilling your guts out with no filter anymore. 

"I really think I just hate myself," you said cuddling the cool glassware. "When I found out, I wasn't even thinking of it as a betrayal of my trust– it felt like I was trying to come to terms with it so I could continue with the relationship. Not because it would make me happy but because… I don't know… it's what everybody else wants me to do. They don't even know about it and I was fully prepared not to tell them even though they'd want me to marry him whether they knew or not." 

Rob barked a laugh of surprise. "Doh-K!" 

"What?" 

"Nothing, nothing…" she said, "keep going." 

You stared off into the middle distance and leaned into her side. She was a tiny bit warm despite her lithe figure. Made you want to throw your blanket over her shoulders and share your greater warmth. 

So you did (you're not great at acting out your desires but this is nice!)

"It's just easier," the words left your mouth unbidden, "I don't even know what that means, but it's true. I don't want to marry him anymore but I don't want to break it off. Not marrying Fiancé means disappointing my family. It means having to find an entire new man to marry sooner rather than later because I'm already 'behind' and lowering my already low expectations. 

"It's not gonna make me happy, but I just think it's easier to keep this wedding going because at least I won't have to find somebody new who might not be as good for me just because I didn't want him. Another man won't make me happy so there's no reason to drop him... except that I don't want him." 

Rob's brow furrowed. "Are you saying it's easier for you to please your family than it is to be happy?" 

"Yes? I– no, I– … I don't know," you sigh. "I guess you could say my priorities are a little… mismanaged." 

"Sure, you could say that." Rob wrapped her arms around your shoulders and you inhaled the scent of her soap and cigarettes. "What if you tried… like… not doing that anymore...? You just said you do whatever your family wants you to do. So, just like do what makes you happy for a change." 

It really does sound so simple the way she puts it, doesn't it? Why are you doing this to yourself? You're not dependent on them for money or security or happiness for that matter. So... why has your whole life been centered around pleasing them? 

"I think… I think I've never really sat down and thought about what makes me happy," you admitted. "I think it's just been that way forever and I might have been too scared to try anything else." 

Rob hummed. "Are you still scared now?" 

Are you? You look into her eyes and ask yourself a question that has never crossed your mind with such depth. You used to be scared– but what is it about your happiness that you are so afraid of? OK, let’s start a little simpler: what are things that make you happy? 

“I like…” you swallowed, trying to break down the barriers you’ve built years and years ago. “I like… coffee. I like… short skirts. I like… girls– I like… my job. I like… music. I think I’d enjoy camping, you know, some day…” 

Your words… these things seemed so arbitrary and trivial. But in your house, these things cause dissent. “My family has an opinion about everything. There’s no right way to live in all of their eyes, but I think I figured out a way to get past it. Keep my head down and do what’s expected of me. Graduate college, get a respectable job, find a man to marry, drop the job and become a mother. Just… don’t make waves. It seemed better because the cousins who didn’t or couldn’t… well they became the butt of every joke at the family dinner. Lisa had one miscarriage so she was a ‘failure’ and Don never dated girls so he was gay and that was ‘bad,’ but grandma Zelda did everything a good Christian woman could do and they still gossiped about her behind her back… 

“And I just… I just let their ignorance control me for my entire life.” God, you could cry right now, but somehow it just felt too good to say it outloud. “That.. that is so fucked.” 

Robyn snorted, and you turned to her as if you’d forgotten she was there. There it was again, that sympathy. Not pity, she did not burden you with tears of her own or try to be angry for you. She just listened and understood. You twisted the diamond encrusted ring on your finger and stared at her. You felt it, that feeling in your heart. No one else had given you that look, like she could really see you. 

“You’re not going back to Fiancé, are you?” Her question was equal parts worrisome and hopeful and you already knew the answer in your heart. 

“No.”

And that was it. Decision made. Actually easier than you'd thought. Maybe not down the road but it felt good for now. There's the telling your fiancé it's over, the moving out, the public announcement, the inevitable feeling of failure, your family, god, his family too. Untangling your lives would be long and hard. You're not sure if you have that level of commitment and motivation in you but fuck it. Problems for tomorrow.

You rest your head on Rob's shoulder and hope your not pushing any boundaries. She doesn't stop you though, in fact she snuggles you deeper into her. You get the feeling she's been here before though your not sure which side or how bad it was for her.

"I like you way more in the few times I've met you than any man I've ever dated," you heard yourself say. "I'm sure that means something but I'm too tired to decide anymore. No tonight at least."

Rob chuckled. "I like you too, sugar."

If you made it this far, hi 💛 appreciate you, leave me a comment! Or just comment "💛"

[sugarvamgar]

you ever make some  Bastards? anfisa and valentine!  also the context of the little labels on valentine’s sheet is to like, number the parts of the story for me and my friend who’s working on this so we know when the hell in the story we’re talking abtsgddfg anyways more info abt them under the cut .. i love these bastards...

these two are in the same world as some of my other ocs - you can find them in my neontok tag under rum’s post for more information about the world nd stuff! if you do not want to look at it tldr its just me putting my more uh. “darker” concepts?? like these two! let’s continue into more info tho: so like, context! in this world, there’s this group of seven assassins who’s existence is.. very speculated. like, they’re a common myth. maybe not among all of society all around the world, but most people have heard folk stories of their existence at some point in their life. this group of assassins has existed for literal hundreds of years, and nobody knows how or why, so they just.. assume it’s a story. a myth. but it’s Not. the “seven” is actually countless people who have been trained throughout their family’s bloodlines as a tradition with every other generation’s first child - or in the case of assassins One and Two, the first two siblings. they’re all basically trained to do the exact same stuff as the original seven did, too. other than One and Two, the children don’t necessarily know each other, especially because usually they’re in completely different countries. anyways so, anfisa here used to be part of this. he was assassin Three, born and raised in russia, pretty much the only assassin of the seven to not be trained to be sneaky and quiet bc most of what he does is loud on purpose. he does know how to blend in among people normally and how to scramble away from people without getting hurt, but man. he is NOT graceful like the other six. he ends up defecting from the assassins (which is just him going. huh. fuck this <3) and leaving to not-america and goes. i will live a normal life now.          he ends up going. oh wait actually i hate how society is and how much of this city is controlled via bribes and crimes - what if i just. actively tried to cement myself in that world. what if i did crimes? i already did them before. he ends up gaining a mild following of people for this and they help him to do this.. the dude who runs the Local Crime Syndicate™ (at least, the largest one), jack, gets. very pissed off about this once anfisa’s group grows large enough scale. he employs this highly revered journalist bc in jack’s mind this goes. “oh, this guy is SO very good at picking people apart and getting into their business, and my stupid police force isn’t doing their fucking job right (lol), i’ll hire this dude. if he dies its barely any loss on my part. the journalist is valentine <3 idk his first name but he’s valentine and he is SO full of anxiety and has so much in common with anfisa about Hating Authority nd shit. this is a mistake on jack’s part who is blind as hell and cannot read valentine’s old articles + thinks he can bribe him with money to do whatever. valentine goes. <:( okay i will try i hate this but also money and also you are pointing guns at me and threatening to kill me if i Dont take the money and do this. valentine ends up joining anfisa and goes from anxious timid british (lol) bastard to mildly terrifying and willing to organize and command a group of people with anfisa who are actively trying to like, overthrow a straight up  crime syndicate organization thing that Also has quite a large hold on a lot of businesses and government related stuff in the city. and SUCCEEDS for the most part. he is very good at this and it scares the group so much esp with the fact that it grows from like 6 or 7 people to like, over 50 or more in like.. a year. shoutout to anfisa he intentionally picks on valentine bc he thinks this guy is cute. when valentine is lowkey stalking getting research on anfisa/the group, anfisa notices and goes. :) im going to make your life so very difficult but in an only slightly annoying way. you got knocked out one day so i stole your tie and then the next time you saw me on the news you saw me wearing it around my arm like a trophy. valentine is so very annoyed and takes all of anfisa’s mild friendly torment as This Little Man Hates Me So Fucking Much. Why Does He Want Me DEAD also shoutout x2 to anfisa for being great at working with machines and learning how to put foot pedals on his motorcycle so he can switch the seat around to like, a pedal control board and ride it like a skateboard. this is dangerous and very, very impractical. he does not care. he’s having fun ps. if you think valentine is similar to a certain someone you’re right. its on purpose. i “steal” canon characters all the time (see: idk, not often actually) with friends bc its very fun to see how you can reinterpret a character without it being basically an au of the original character. TLDr if you can make a connection with the other character; good! just know he’s still his own thing and its on purpose and i love him. ps. x2/bonus i named anfisa after cat no banana <3 also anfisa (анфиса) means flowering/blossoming. i have made anfisa allergic to bananas and have given him plant themed clothingLKJGFDLKJG

ps. x3 im planning on drawing the rest of this team and talking about them but i want to post them all at once. i honestly wanted to do that here but i havent posted in 9 days so i. went ahead and just posted these two and gave their info since its more than, yknow, nothing? ps. x4 (help i have so many notes) literally i never put any of my stories on earth but then dont make any effort to make the contries non-earth countries bc like. *gestures vaguely* man idk how to do that and dont have the energy to make new cultures nd stuff on my free time??? im not doing this for a professional story??? so like. yeah. anyways so anfisa is Not from russia. he’s russian. valentine is british. britain doesn’t exist. make of that what you will. anyways. that is all. thank you. i kiss you for reading this. if you have questions please ask me them i have so much information all the time and it shows me theres interest in this

[disasterinadress97]

Dallas Winston Headcannons nobody asked for 🤷🏻‍♀️

Trigger warning ⚠️

A bit of nsfw in there too

Pre Tulsa, life in New York

• His mom was a drug addict and had Bipolar 1 disorder

• He has/had 4 siblings, an older brother (six years older) from his moms previous relationship, older sister (five years older) from his dads past relationship, a twin brother (who was trans ftm) and a little sister (eight years younger than him)

• He was always the one to take care of his mom during her depressive episodes when she wouldn’t leave her bed.

• She often left days-weeks at a time when she was in a manic state

• He practically raises his baby sister, she died when she was four due to cancer

• That was when he decided he hates kids cause they always reminded him of her

• he was always stealing and dealing to get his twin brother anything to help his body dismorphia and feel more comfortable in his body

• His mom often sold his body and his brother’s to her drug dealer when they couldn’t afford drugs (his dad did not know this at the time)

• his dad was actually a good dad till their mom walked out on them when he was 9, that was when he started drinking and abused Dallas because ‘you fuckin look so much like her’

• He was apart of two gangs in New York, one of which was a Drag Queen gang

• The one Queen lived beside him and always heard fighting, she took him under her wing and after his mom left they were practically the ones who raised him and his little sister

• the two older siblings and his twin left a little while after their mom did, that was when he learned you can’t trust anyone

• you bet your ass this boy dressed in drag with his queens, a master with make up, can’t change my mind

• can walk in high heels/‘stripper shoes’ like no other!

• started selling his body to strangers for money after his mom left and his dad started drinking to afford to feed his sister and himself

• His other gang was a bunch of stereotypical big mean, manly gang members

• He started dating a guy from said gang, this guy was hella abusive, controlling and manipulative. Also was twice Dal’s age

• when Dallas left New York he broke up with him and the guy beat the shit out of him and burned him with a poker ‘so you’ll never forget me’

In Tulsa/present?

• has some severe PTSD, also suffers from abandonment issues, anxiety, depression and Bipolar 2 disorder

• Loves him some Rupauls drag race, reminds him of his Queens and how much he misses them

• Acts so tough and mean because In New York he was tough and knew it but was always seen as the ‘little kid’ so going to Tulsa that wasn’t gonna happen again

• first people he came out to about being bi was Mr and Mrs Curtis

• they also found out he was selling his body for rent/food money and that was when they realised how much they care about him

• him and Mrs. Curtis were super close, she was the closest thing he had to a real mom.

• He is actually so soft behind the tough guy act

• cuddles? All the time

• is a total brat sub/bottom don’t @ me

• the gang found out about his Drag Queen past when he accidentally sent pony the wrong photo from his phone ‘you tell them you die!’

• he obviously blabbed

• everyone was shook.

• Johnny was amazed because ‘he’s so tough but so pretty!’

• two bit laughed but lowkey was impressed with Dallys confidence to do that

• Steve was just ‘if it makes him nicer and happier than whateva’

• you already know soda begged him to do his make up let’s ge honest

• Darrel was quiet but was also a good dad and was like ‘as long as it keeps him out of jail we will always love him’

• he was touched but also super embarrassed the gang found out about it, but was thankful they were cool with it

• gang 100% harassed him to wear drag for them Atleast once

• one day dallas brought his make up and shoes over, he did his and soda’s make up and wore his shoes and the gang was shook! ‘How can you walk in those?! So easily??’ ‘He looks prettier than half the girls at school!’

• all the support from the gang!

• Dallas actually reads a lot like pony does but doesn’t talk about it incase he gets made fun of for the books he likes

• is also really smart but plays dumb

• this boy LOVES vampires, they’re his guilty pleasure. We talking the vampire chronicles, the vampire diaries, true blood, he even liked the twilight books but will never tell a soul!

Dating headcanons!

General:

• cuddles all the time

• is very insecure and gets jealous easy

• surprisingly isn’t violent or aggressive when jealous, he’s scared if he is they will leave

• plot twist! Sylvia was actually a beard so Soc’s and other gangs wouldn’t know he’s bi

• they only said she cheated cause she was caught with another dude. The hate and hurt was all an act

• is a brat so will tease his dom in public subtly but so much

• is super clingy

• wants to be together all the time

• always needs reassurance ‘are you sure you’re still happy? Like I didn’t do anything wrong?’ ‘No, babe I love you’. ‘Oh okay, are you sure tho?’ 24/7

Johnny

• always getting Johnny to stay at bucks or his dads when his dad isn’t home so Johnny is safe

• feeding this boy all the time!

• when he hears dal is a bottom Johnny is shook but surpringly into a ‘daddy’ role

• drive in dates whenever they can

• they watch the stars a lot

• when Dallas is super anxious he picks at his nails a lot and Johnny holds his hands to help him feel a bit at ease

• when Dallas is in a manic state Johnny follows him anywhere he goes. Parties, fights, anything. He just wants to make sure he doesn’t get jailed again or hurt

• Johnny highkey loves when Dallas dresses in drag ‘you’re just so confident and hot!’

Steve

• watches while Steve works on his cars, he likes seeing Steve so interested and content

• when either of them fight with their dads they drive around all night and talk. They are both quiet about feelings usually but wanna be there for each other

• hangs around the DX while Steve and soda work

• both don’t say a lot normally but are always touching each other

• when Dallas is in a depressive episode Steve will come to bucks and just lay with him for hours

• They talk about both their moms walking out on them sometimes. They both swear if they ever met these women there would be hell to pay ‘how could she abandon this beautiful person?’

Soda

• all the spooning you could ask for

• Dallas is always complimenting him. ‘You’re so pretty wtf’

• on the anniversary of sodas parents death Dallas buys him flowers and they go to their graves

• when Dallas doesn’t answer his phone Soda highkey panics ‘what if he’s hurt?! What if he’s in jail ahain?’

• Dallas always feels bad about this and tries to make it up to him

• soda is always reminding Dallas he’s not alone and he loves him

• when soda really misses his mom Dallas and him talk about some of their favourite memories with her. Soda is still sad but it makes him a little happier knowing how much she cared about him and the one he loves so much

Two bit

• jokes 24/7

• when the gang isn’t around Dallas only calls him Keith or babe

• two doesn’t usually like his name but when Dallas says it he hates it a little less every time

• two bits mom wasn’t a fan of Dallas at first but after a while and gets to know him she loves him so much ‘mom I’m home’ ‘where is dallas’ ‘idk’ ‘tell him to come over I’m making his favourite dish’

• when two bit gets jealous or feels Dallas is he always puts his arm around his waist or kissing him so the person gets the hint

• twos little sister looks up to their relationship a lot and loves how happy her brother is

• two doesn’t stop drinking but slows down on it when Dallas mentions once it worries him sometimes

• Dallas and twos little sister get close really fast. Dallas is always giving her advice and one day brings her some old make up of his and she loves it!

• two doesn’t understand why dallas seems a little sad after times like these until one day dallas tells him about his little sister and how two should spend more time with her, ‘just in case something happens. I don’t want you to regret anything like I do’

• two makes a point to spend more time together the three of them after that

Pony

• they read together sometimes

• Dallas will go to literally any movie if pony is interested

• picks pony up from school everyday

• if Dallas gets arrested you know pony is lecturing him for Atleast a half hour. Dallas just sits there with heart eyes because ‘damn I missed this pain in my ass’

• dates at the Dingo are their Friday night ritual

• they both have terrible nightmares and are always cuddling and comforting eachother after

• Dallas is always saying little things to pony about his relationship with Darrel ‘I know he’s on your case all the time but it’s cause he means well’. Dallas then tells pony about his brothers and sister and how he wishes he could live with them and see them like pony can with Darrel

• pony and dar still fight sometimes after this but never in front of Dallas

Darrel

• they don’t go out a lot for dates but like to watch their favourite shows together (they kick the gang out for a few hours on these nights)

• Darrel brings out the brat in Dallas 24/7 and he teases him all the time until Darrel gets to a point he just looks at him and with a deep voice ‘bedroom now’ and Dallas practically trips over his own feet running to the room

• they are not quiet either! The gang sees them go in Dar’s room and they all groan and leave ASAP

• the gang found out about them when the gang came over and heard Dallas call out ‘daddy!’ And never let him live it down ‘how’s it going daddy’s boy’ ‘I will literally kill you two bitch’

• Darrel never celebrates his birthday after his parents die and Dallas puts an end to that so fast. He goes all out, flowers, presents, sexy time. Anything he can do

• always sitting on Darrel’s lap, clinging to him, hugging. All of it. He’s just amazed and thankful he has such a strong and beautiful bf who loves him

• dar once let dallas do make up on him and Darrel borderline didn’t like how good he looked in it

• Dallas got him to experiment in drag and Darrel felt hella empowered. Now they dress up together sometimes. But dar says only Dallas is allowed to see him like that

• this makes dal feel extra special and close to dar and he loves it

Tim

• sarcastism never stops

• Tim is quiet but really protective, he can say whatever he wants about Dallas but once someone says one bad thing they best be ready to square up

• patching eachother up after fights al the time

• they be kinky bitches man!

• after a nightmare Dallas told Tim a little bit about his ex and it took dallas an hour to talk him out of going to New York to kill this man

• Dallas does strip teases for Tim in his stripper shoes on special occasions.

• Tim didn’t tease him for his make up or anything, he actually found it real pretty on him

• Tim never lets him stay at his own place or bucks after they get together.

• Tim is Demi sexual

• Dallas heard his ex was released out of prison and has a sever panic attack. Tim was right there reassuring him ‘babe I’m right here. No ones gonna hurt you’.

• dals mom comes to town and Tim got Angela and her friends to give her a ‘Tulsa greeting’. Needless to say she left as soon as she came

This was so long and horrible I’m sorry

Special thanks to @sunlitcigars for helping with some ideas and encouraging me to post these

[sierracolorstheworldofwords]

Yandereplier x anxious reader

An: Idk if anyone is going to read this but if you do and somehow like it HIT that reblog button babey! And also hit me up with a request if u want. Anyway, this was a request from Wattpad, and I have more one shots on there! The name of said wattpad is in my bio! :3 ALSO TRIGGER WARNING: Reader has an anxiety attack! So if that triggers you or anything please skip this! And read some of my other fics bc yes I’m plugging!

It all started with that nightmare.

Yan and you sat underneath a cherry tree in full bloom, each pink petal a promise, each soft flower a gentle declaration of love.

The sky was a beautiful island blue, and the clouds looked like they were painted onto the sky, just for you. You could see patches of them through the dark, curved branches of the tree, and feel the warm sun, sweet like honey, shining on your face.

Everything was.. perfect. You wished you could stop time forever, make this moment into a crystal bubble, preserve it in a snow globe forever.

"I have to tell you something." Yan said suddenly, fingers unwrapping from yours.

You turned towards him, taking in his gentle eyes— a beautiful brown that in the right light, looked red.

"Yeah?" You whispered softly, a love struck smile on your face.

He looked away from you, up at the sky, cracking his knuckles, "You know how I said I'd love you forever?"

"Of course! You tell me everyday—"

He took a deep breath, "That's changed. I found someone else."

You sat up suddenly, looking down at him in confusion, heart pounding fiercely in your chest, "Wh-what? Yan.. Yan that's not funny—"

"It's not a joke, senpai— wait, I can't call you that, anymore, because you're not my senpai. I can't believe I even dated you! You were just trying to waste my time and keep me away from my real senpai!"

"Wh-what?! No!"

"You're so stupid and worthless, all you do is whine and I honestly can't believe I even loved you!"

A pair of legs appeared in front of Yan, a faceless figure standing in front of him. The opposite of you, everything you couldn't be... smart, witty, attractive, actually deserving of Yan's love. You watched Yan sit up, a smile on his face— a smile that used to belong to you and you alone.

"Senpai!"

He got up, hugged the mysterious person, and grabbed their hand, "Let's leave this freak! I missed you so much!" He cooed, leaning on their shoulder, completely love struck.

"Y-Yan! Wait!" You stood up, wanting to chase him, but you couldn't. You were stuck, as if your legs had been welded to the ground below you.

"See senpai? I'm so dedicated to you. I broke their heart to prove how much I love you— do you want me to break their bones too, senpai?"

The world stopped. Everything froze like an icy tundra. You fell to your knees, looking at them going further and further away, seeing Yan going further and further away.

Your heart felt like it'd been pulled out of your chest and beaten with a baseball bat full of nails. All you could do was watch Yan leave, seeing his red hair fade away. You sobbed as your everything—the only person you truly trusted left, laughing wickedly, not even caring about how you felt, not even caring.. not caring at all.

"Yan!" You screamed.

You stood up. Legs finally moving.

Maybe you could convince him! You loved him! You could convince him! You— you loved him!

"Come back!"

You began to run, legs finally working, you desperately reached for him, the world a blurry mess of tears, "YAN! COME BACK! PLEASE—"

But he didn't.

He disappeared. Didn't look back. kept going. Leaving you like an old doll he'd gotten bored of, finding a new toy instead.

You alone. Again.

With no one to turn to. Again.

Nobody to care for. Again.

Nobody caring about you. Again.

Alone. Again.

Blackness crawling into your chest again, loneliness nesting inside of your rib cage, cocooning itself inside you. Again. Again. Again.

Alone.

Again.

You woke up with a soft whimper, heart pounding in your chest as you felt warm tears falling down your cheeks. You closed your eyes, crying softly and hugging your pillow.

Maybe you should call Yan.

He'd be more than happy to comfort you! You sat up, grabbed your phone of the charger, and noticed the time— School was in hour. You sighed. He probably wouldn't even be awake now.

You lay down back down, wondering if you should text Yan.. everything that happened in your head kept ringing over and over again, especially what Yan said. You knew it was a nightmare, but it felt so real. Like it did actually happen.. like.. like it was going to happen. Could Yan ever.. ever find someone else? Someone who was better than you? He probably could, right? Then.. then he'd leave you all alone..

Your stomach curled into a tight, knot, and you felt the familiar fear run like a spiked metal wire in your veins, causing your heart to pound harder. What if it was all gonna happen? Not today or tomorrow, but.. someday? He could easily find someone else. He was so amazing and you.. you weren't.

Yan always said he loved you but.. but.. did he really? You were an anxious mess with too much emotional baggage, and sure, he had his problems, being possessive and clingy but.. but he didn't have the type of background you had. It just didn't make sense why he would choose you of all people. Your anxiety  just made the thought worse, dangling it above your head and maliciously smirking.

You closed your eyes, listening to the voice in your head telling you that Yan was going to leave you, and that you might as well get ready for it. Prepare for the inevitable. Did you really think he would actually wanna stay with you? Really? Really? Look at yourself, you're crying over a stupid bad dream, almost always insecure and almost as clingy as Yan. You were surprised he didn't find the constant need of reassurance from him annoying yet.

You wiped your tears and turned your phone  back on and opened  up your messages, reading a few from Yan—

Omg Senpai! I just saw the cutest person today! You'll never guess who!

....It was you! Love you! <3

A smile crossed your features and you wiped your eyes, of course he loved you. Of course he did. You scrolled up and read another one.

Senpai I can't wait for you to come over this weekend! :3 I'm so excited~! We're gonna watch so much anime and cuddle so much! :D I love cuddling with you, you're perfect cuddle size. uwu

Your cheeks flushed a little, and the voice in your head snickered. You really think he loves you? It asked, swirling in your head like a snake of smoke, all those cheesy messages don't mean shit. Maybe he does love you now, maybe— but don't you think he'll get tired of you?

You frowned, arguing with it. Wondering why Yan would say those things if he didn't mean them. Of course he meant them! You knew he did. He wasn't the type to lie about loving someone. That just wasn't Yan at all!

But how do you know? And maybe he does mean them.. or maybe he did mean them, but he doesn't mean them anymore because you were so annoying and he was just saying all those things to get you to shut up. The voice filled your head, burning up all the messages with questions of why, and how and really? What if it was all a lie? What if he used to like you and now he didn't— You slammed your eyes shut. Covering them with your hands as you gritted your teeth, asking yourself if you really were gonna cry over something so stupid?

How could Yan even love you when you were like this?

Your alarm rang and you gasped, sitting up, remembering you had to pack— today was Friday, you were supposed to go over to Yan's house for the weekend. Would you be annoying? Maybe you should cancel? Say.. say you couldn't come over? But.. he got everything prepared and— you sighed softly, rummaging through your drawer and stuffing clothes into your backpack.

Your phone buzzed, you looked at it before picking it up from your bed, turning it on and opening it. Reading  the message from Yan—

Good morning Senpai! It's Friday and I'm so excited!! Don't forget to pack! :3 Also love you and have a good day! I'll see you soon! Love you! Ok bye

A small smile bloomed on your lips, and you texted back, hearing that small seed of doubt as you did. You ignored it, sending a message that read— Morning Yan-Yan! Can't wait to see you and stay over, and don't worry, I packed up. Love you too and see you soon~

You placed it back on your bed and fixed up your hair before brushing up your teeth and getting dressed, making sure to grab your phone and headphones before you did. Then you went to school.

When you arrived, you met Yan in the cafeteria, he brought breakfast for you, which was an unexpected surprise, and all he asked in return was a kiss. (Which you found adorable, and of course you gave him one.)

The two of you ate outside, watching the sun rise as you talked. You wondered if you should tell him about your nightmare, but you didn't want to ruin his happy mood, or be annoying. Before you knew it, your first class started and Yan walked you to class, giving you a kiss and a hug before running to his class.

The rest of the day.. was.. a day.

Your anxiety kept piling up, and then just found more reasons for Yan to hate you—

looks, grades, the way you speak, how you talk too much, your smile, your eyes, the way you walked, the clothes you wore.. everything.

By the time the day was over, thoughts swirled in your head like a tornado, and when you went to meet him by your locker, it took everything in you to not cry and panic. Your stomach hurt and your heart pounded as your brain kept saying— he's gonna leave. Not be here. You'll be all alone. He won't miss you. He doesn't need you. Can't you be better?

You leaned against your locker, head swirling as your chest felt like it was being wrapped up in a giant fist. Your lungs constricted. Your heart pounded. Palms sweated. Throat dry. The world blurring, people becoming slashed of color, the school becoming nothing but a blur that felt.. that felt like distant waves at sea. Real, recognizable, but not entirely there, dreamlike in a sickening way.

"Senpai?"

Yan.

Your eyes snapped up, focusing on him, the world a buzz of noise. You were so stupid! You just had to go and panic, didn't you? Ruin everything like some sick disease—

"Are you okay?" He asked softly.

You couldn't breathe.

He should've been yelling at you! Scolding you! Punishing you! Giving you a reason to cry! A reason to be scared so why, why was he being so nice?

Air rushed in and out your throat as you tried to speak, words replaced with shallow harsh breaths. You placed a hand on your chest, heart pounding loudly in your ears.

Softly, Yan grabbed your hand, holding you close as everything crashed— crashed, crashed like a boat in the middle of a fearful storm, crashed like a frantic car speeding down the high way and off a cliff, crashed.

Yan pushed people out the way, practically slamming the school doors open before picking you up and cradling you like the gentle cargo you were. Fishing the keys out of his skirt pocket, he clicked the button, unlocked his red Cadillac, before opening the back seat door and placing you there, climbing in next to you and closing the door shut.

You looked at him, the eye of the storm, the patch of sky in the middle of the tornado and—

"Don't leave me Yan!" You sobbed, clinging on to him desperately, hands digging into the soft fabric of his white shirt and you cried.

"Leave you Senpai? Why would I leave?"

You couldn't even answer back, your breathing was too rapid, too much, your nerves felt like they were on fire, and the world wasn't real— or was it real and you weren't? Or was none of it real and you were just floating? And scared? And alone? And—

"Senpai." Yan whispered, his voice a soft breeze, "I'd never leave you, senpai. Never."

You only responded with a gasping sob, throat feeling like it'd been scratched over a thousand times.

Yan placed a hand under your quivering chin, lifting your face turning your face towards him.

"Breathe senpai, breathe— slowly." He murmured, scooting closer and using his other hand to stroke your cheek, "breathe.. breathe.."

You closed your eyes, taking a shaky breath, feeling your lungs expand like blooming pink flowers.

"That's right Senpai, just breathe for me, okay?"

You nodded, swallowing back tears and feeling him shift and wrap his arms around you loosely.

"Breathe out.."

You let out a deep breath.

"Breathe in."

You breathed in through your nostrils, feeling the air travel down your throat as you calmed down and wiped your tears away.

"Better?"

You nodded.

He wrapped his arms tight around you, kissing your forehead, "I'll never leave you Senpai."

You snuggled into his chest, saying nothing.

"I mean it. No matter what that mean voice in your head—who I really need to beat up by the way— says. I love you Senpai. You and only you."

You looked at him, eyes big and wide, vulnerable, begging him to reassure you like always. He practically read your thoughts.

"I mean it Senpai," he whispered, "I really do—

And I don't care how many times I have to tell you, because I want you to believe it, so if I have to say it a hundred or a thousand times then I'll say it. Because I love you."

You gave him a watery smile, warm tears pricking the corners of your eyes, "I love you too Yan-Yan."

He smiled, kissing your forehead, before tucking your head underneath his neck and softly rubbing your back.

“I love you so, so much Senpai," he whispered, "I'd do anything for you, and I mean anything."

Your heart pounded like always when he said those type of things— his words were so reassuring.. you snuggled into his chest, wrapping your arms around him.

"I love you so much— I'm.. im surprised you haven't left me yet, senpai..."

You gasped, pulling away momentarily, "Oh Yan! I'd never leave! I love you too much!"

The yandere smiled, grabbing your hands in his, "That's exactly how I feel Senpai.."

You smiled softly, wiping the last of your tears before hugging him again. The two of you cuddled for a while before you let out a yawn, exhausted from your anxiety filled day.

“Let's go home, senpai! Then we can take a nap!"

You nodded and agreed, crawling into the front seat, Yan followed and started up his car, clearly excited. His cheeks flushed and a smile crossed his face— causing your stomach to flutter like always. Yan didn't even know how beautiful he was, sometimes.. nor did he know how cute he could be. His hand rested on the gear shift between you, while the other one held the wheel as he backed out of the school, once he was onto the road, you grabbed his hand.

"Yan?"

"Yes senpai?"

"Y-you know how you have nightmares?"

"Yeah."

"I had one this morning.." you said softly, sadly, "and it was about you leaving.. and I just thought I should tell you.."

Yan stopped at a red light and looked at you as you continued, "I-it was about you leaving me and finding someone else.."

"Senpai.. I'd never, ever do that. There's no one else as wonderful and amazing and— and ahhh senpai! There's so many things about you that I love.. and I know you're scared of me leaving, but I promise I won't, okay?"

You nodded, biting your lip.

"I really do mean it, senpai. I love you so much. I— before I met you.. I.. I didn't feel anything at all, and I'd always have to pretend to be happy.. b-but.. when you came into my life.. I felt.. I felt so.. happy—" tears welled up in his eyes, and he turned towards the stoplight, realizing it was green with a nervous laugh, "I'm such a baby— the lights green!"

He pushed the break with his foot and continued driving to his house. You couldn't help but feel your heart pound, not out of fear.. but out of pure love for your Yan-Yan. Your stomach looped itself into playful knots as his words played over and over again in your head.

"Yan.. I feel the same way. Ever since I met you.. I.. I.. know what it's like to be happy.." you whimpered, eyes welling up again, causing you to wipe your tears, "and that's why I get so anxious— and why you get anxious too.. because we're so afraid of losing each other but.. but.. I.. I know that I'd never leave you.. and I'm starting to believe you'll never leave me either.. and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to believe it.. I'm always used to people leaving."

You saw Yan smile softly, and then his smile widened, brown eyes shining with determination, "Well senpai! I'll just have to make sure you believe it! Because I really mean it, I won't ever leave you!"

You smiled again, cheeks flushing, "Thank you Yan.. I— I love you so much."

His face turned red as his smile grew, "I love you too Senpai."

Soon enough, the both of you pulled into his driveway and got out the car, going straight to his bedroom and changing into pajamas. After that, the both of you snuggled underneath the covers, exchanging love struck glances and soft kisses, until.. you both eventually fell asleep in each other's arms.

[a-day-in-the-life-of-a-brotha]

4-27-21 The end of a 12 day shift

4:22 a.m. I woke up at 4 a.m. but I stayed laid down thinking about all the things I needed to do. Pack a bag (I’m going to spend the night with Dani...well nights) cut my hair, and, manicure myself. I also have to prepare myself for work. “Shit, what am I packing” I exclaimed to the still air. Sometimes it’s weird when nobody is there ie; my children my mother. Dani sent a text “Good Morning my Love”...Ditto.

5:21 a.m. I leave the house...too late to go to McDonald’s to get 2 round egg and cheese biscuits and a large sweet tea with a little bit of ice. But my addiction to cigarettes does lead me to 7-11 to get a pack, even though I’m running late for work.

Frustration #1 So the cashier that’s normally there, ain’t there, thank goodness, however it’s a new guy...not new but not the normal early shift guy. He’s slow, I’m late, and there are many amigos in line. “Newport 100 box brother”....quick exchange and we are done. So in this instance it’s truly not an outside frustration...it’s me that’s frustrated that I am compelled to go to this job, just to make money, so I can maintain food, shelter and clothing for my loved ones. I’m a slave, all of these things should be free. I’m getting under compensated and overpaying for living....yes...just for living.

5:50 a.m. Work. It’s Tuesday...my Friday. I’m exhausted already, pained to be at this workhouse/plantation, anticipating the days end (I’m going to meet Dani). As I walk up and get settled in my work station, the jones (talking shit) begins..”You on the phone?” says my short bus patron co-worker...I head nod to confirm his thought. He still finds a way to come over to me to draw my energy which sooo many people seem to do as of late. “You be proper as shit when you’re on the phone...then gangsta as shit when you get off”...says the man that just two weeks ago hurled words that would provoke me to smack him with the bricks I call my hands on the street...but we was at work, so it’s a bunch of bullshit he’s spewing. I laughed, “It’s true brother, I am proper on the phone with my lady!” What he doesn’t know is that when I’m relaxed, I’m proper, shit I’ve studied this language so much, I’ve mastered it...so I use it. You can only go as far as your thoughts take you...so if you have a limited vocabulary that’s how far you’re going. I know I know, it’s the white mans language, but I’m from here, and it’s the only language I’m well versed in. Espanol...un pocito!!

7:00 a.m. The arrival of Omar. My friend. We are almost 30 years in as friends. “What’s up big guy” he says...”What’s up O” says me. We are both strong headed men, and about the only two people at this job that are not afraid to lose it. That characteristic trait sets us apart from the sheep at this place that are scared to speak up for themselves, instead for some of them, we will speak up. Do me and O bump heads...hell yeah. But we’ve come to a point where we can gauge each other...and we now know when and how to stay away from each other, with no hard feelings. One time we were arguing at work, a dude came to try to calm us down, we simultaneously shut that nigga down...and retired outside to squash it. Work ensues...

12:00 p.m. After Lunch. I was called in the office. Ok I fudged some numbers on the diesel gas pump for the buses I service...a couple of buses mileage was off. Who cares right? The supervisor does...Dave. He’s an older white guy that is accustomed to talking to black men any way he wants. Not me though...our first run in was our last. “LARRY to the office” on the loud speaker he says. I go... and he starts to raise his voice as if I were a child.

Frustration #2 Although this instance didn’t happen on this day, I’m getting frustrated by merely thinking about it. When Dave gets to yelling (mind you this is the 2nd of two caucasian supervisors I’ve ever had, I’m 45) all I hear is the “Blah Blah Blah...aggression aggression aggression”...I meet aggression with aggression...I don’t fight fire fire with fire...I fight fire with water. “Dave, when you raise your voice at me, I can’t hear you, AND all I get is angry.” He quickly stopped, apologized and let me calmly know what the ailment was. Nonetheless on this day, I got called in the office, informed about the challenge and I said I would fix it. He went on this soliloquy as to how and why it needs to fixed. I’m smarter than him, but I get paid less...I already knew how to solve the problem. It gives me hives, listening to idiots...

2:30 p.m. The Anticipation of Dani. I’m off work...my anxiety is on 100...I’m not having a good day, but I’m going straight to Dani...I miss her, but I’m anxious about sex...we haven’t done that yet. I rush to her, she gets off at 2:45, but she’s 45 mins away in Baltimore, and I don’t want her to be waiting too long. “What’s up babe...how was your day” says she, whilst on the speakerphone in my car. I’m completely honest with her “I’m not having a good day.” Now I don’t want to not have a good day, shit I’m about to see her, my love, my buxom enchantress, but I must be real and honest...it’s the basis of our relationship. I get there.

3:30 p.m. Dani and the food reviewer “Big Schlim.” I arrive, a hug and kiss ensued, we are both exhausted but glad to be in each other’s presence. “How was your day Dani?” “It was ok” she said and then goes in on the length of her time at work and how she was amped to get out of there (anytime you feels this way about employment, it’s definitely slave work). Normally I already have a spot that I want to go review, today I didn’t. Soooo off to MyMammasVegan to get them delicious ass honey ol bay fried cauliflower bites. In the intern I’ll figure out what we will be eating. As we rode, my guard was let down, I don’t have to defend myself with her, she is a part of my solace. We got the bites, we went to the spot, we people watched and joned on folks...laughter and her...got me through. Let’s go home...

I forgot to mention Friends...how many of us have them. Malika...well..here’s the text I sent... Good Day Malika. I truly hope that you are in a harmonious space to receive and wholeheartedly digest this message. I’ll start by saying that I love you, and I am honored to truly call you and think of you as a real friend.

I’m sending this message to set up some boundaries for me, with you. I will no longer accept you yelling at me out of frustration. I will no longer accept you hanging up the phone abruptly out of frustration. As a long time friend I expect support for my endeavors. A like, a share, a comment on the new ventures I have, are simple but effective gestures to show support and cost nothing. I noticed, a while back, that the things I was posting on my IG pages were getting no support from you. That was truly disappointing. Even the IKEA post that you called me about wasn’t liked by you, and if you truly read it, you would’ve known what that “Pink Shit” was. That call you made to me also showed a complete disregard for my schedule. I’ve relayed to you several times that I work the early morning hours...and you seem to “forget” or you just simply don’t care. Also...for the last 4 years I’ve noticed a pattern amongst my “friends”....none of you know my children. Initially I was riddled with guilt behind this, thinking that was on ME to bring them around more often. But wait a minute...you know where I live, I’ve had the same number for years, at ANY time you could’ve called and came by to chill with them...do ANYTHING with them (pre Covid). They’ve received nothing from you...nothing....your occasional presence is free. They are almost 15 and if they see you on the street...they won’t know you...and that’s not on me. I sat back and waited to see what was going to happen...nothing. So Malika, I must set up some healthy boundaries with you, these behaviors for you hurt me, and I will no longer allow that to happen, especially to my children who don’t know you for real. Ian remaining your lifelong friend...period....I ask you to respect me in the aforementioned manner going forward, and this text is not meant for you to rebuttal, it’s for you to know, and for me to release. Thank you for being around for 30.

6:30’ish Home. Dani’s House. We finally arrived. This is where I end. Me and her at home are private...I just know that I’m meant to be with her...my wife.

[replicantdeviancy]

☠ What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

                         @murdcck | the salty af munday meme | Accepting

Oh, man... This one is both difficult & easy to answer, & a little extra. I mean, we all have our own tolerances & there are some things that just make us go ‘Wow, you really did that’. Personally, I have a pretty high tolerance for bullshit, given the nature of my job irl. I’m used to some very choice things coming out of people’s mouths & I’ve worked with all walks of life on both sides of the liberal-conservatives divide, so I’ve seen a fair share of things. But I have my hard limits.

One things I have concluded is that racism is never okay (Yes, against white people as well. Racism is racism. Don’t be a bigot. Skin color & origin don’t matter. It’s the individual that matters, & if the individual is a piece of shit, look to their upbringing & environment instead of their melanin levels for blame). If I find out someone is a racist they’ll be missing a follower. 

The next is any kind of phobia against the LGBTQ+ (OOC obviously. Characters are exempt so long as it’s in character). I understand criticisms & again, each individual is different, but being anti gay, trans, or queer of any kind is a really bad look. Especially homophobia or transphobia (I have a little story under the cut if you care to look). 

Also, if you blatantly do not read or respect my rules. This one is very crucial, as I have crafted them to help with my anxiety & my personal discomforts.

The next is being an extremist or fascist. I’m too old & too tired to be seeing that brand of crazy on my dash & it makes me pretty darn anxious. I’m just here to write & make friends with awesome people. Thus far I’ve done a relatively good job of that, & I’d like to keep that positivity going.

Oh,& lying. I don’t mean about silly little things. I mean straight up lying to my face or to people about me. Not cool, bro.

Storytime: tw;transphobia. No URLs, fandoms or any identifiers will be used.

While I was in the very early stages of dipping into a new fandom for a crossover type scenario I came upon a blog for a character I’d have personally liked to write with. This person followed back, I sent a couple memes. Everything was peachy keen. I anticipated they would want to write with me, as most do when they’re mutuals, in theory. I reached out with the intent to plot something out & we got talking. They were familiar with Detroit: Become Human & my characters, which was a plus. I thought I had been rather fortunate. They wanted more information on my Connor’s human verses, so I linked them the current synopsis I had going. Immediately they began policing why my Connor was transgender &, as one might expect, my heartrate & anxiety instantly spiked.

I was appalled. They began grilling me on whether or not I was trans & the like. That’s incredibly disrespectful & honestly, it’s nobody’s god damn business what I am. No self-respecting individual would push someone to out themselves as non-cis & quite frankly, anyone who does is an asshole. I’ll make a side note here & state that it hadn’t been my original intention to make Connor transgender. He simply developed that way. That was where his character was most comfortable & that’s how he became. At the time this individual claimed to be trans as well as their partner, of which, frankly, I think was a falsehood to keep themselves from sounding like a massive transphobe. I can’t prove it & I want nothing to do with them, so I’ll keep my theories. I want to make it clear that this is only my opinions & not necessarily factual, only a reasonable conclusion drawn from the context of our conversation.

Next they had stated they don’t let their character have sexual relations with trans characters, which, again, is very skeevy. It was claimed it triggers them, but again, I have my doubts on their claims. That’s all I will say on that. Regardless & transphobic sentiments aside, this proves they also did not look at my rules as I very, very clearly state I absolutely under no circumstances (unless I really know/trust you & am comfortable & even then it’s a grey area) will ever write smut on this blog. Ever. I am a sex-repulsed asexual & I know my limits on tolerance. The insinuation alone that I was only there for a sexual ship was egregiously upsetting.

At the time I did not immediately block as I needed a moment & they had put my stressed arse on the defensive. But I lost sleep over it (I also had something else very stressful going on) & so I wrote a firmly worded statement about their behavior & asked them to do better in the future, as well as reevaluate themselves from within, before blocking them for my personal comfort & safety. It was a gross & upsetting encounter, & I’m so, so glad that I’ve never encountered someone like that before or since in my time on tumblr. My time here has, for the most part, been incredibly rewarding & pleasant experience. I like to keep things positive here. The real world is crazy enough right now.

[mascaratearsnlipsticksmears]

1..Who was the last person you held hands with? Probably My son

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy until I’m

Comfortable

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My surgeon

4. Are you easy to get along with? I try to Be. Don’t give me a reason to not Like you 😉

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Never had someone take care of me from drinking .....I’m usually taking care of everyone else

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Loyal. Chill. Down to earth .

7. Are you married? No.

8. Do you want to get married? Eventually . I do , but I need it to be for the right reason.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Makes me feel Lonely lately believe it or not.... 😔

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Steve

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Oh cool 😎”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

lil peep- star shopper

Brand new-Jesus Christ

Bebe rexha- I’m a mess

Anything Billie eillish

Doja cat -rules

Ashnikko-daisy

That’s more than 5, Idc

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Only certain people

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? I don’t know anymore

15. What good thing happened this summer? Got a tan and not covid 👌🏼👌🏼

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? My little guy? I will kiss him when ever I can cause one day he’s not gonna want me to and I’ll be sad

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Absolutely

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Yes

19. Do you like bubble baths? 110%

20. Do you like your neighbors? Yea

21. What are you bad habits? Overthinking, caring to much.

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere

23. Do you have trust issues? No, people that scumbag me Normally get cut off so I only keep ppl around I trust.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Coffee & a bowl

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Uhhh everything from the chin down 😔

26. What do you do when you wake up? Set gage up for class in the living room

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? Lauren Rayza

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? They don’t get the chance, yes a few tried to contact me but my mentality is fuck them.... one even tried emailing my friends to reach me 🙄🙄🖕🏼

30. Do you ever want to get married? I do, one day. Didn’t I just answer this

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Idk I’d have to think about it

33. Spell your name with your chin. The fuck?

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Bought a bike yesterday Lol. I used to be on the swim team and I played soccer~ also took dance for 7 years.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Depends on my mood

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Absolutely.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Try to avoid them at all Costs

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? No.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Sephora Ulta Victoria secret

40. What do you want to do after high school? Lol I think that bridge has been crosses already

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Not everyone , no.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Normally bad anxiety and hurting , or extremely chill

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yea I do.... but now I forget I have a mask on and look like a retard

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Can I just going fishing ?

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My son.

46. What are you paranoid about? Money

47. Have you ever been high? There’s a joint in my hand.

48. Have you ever been drunk? Who writes these things??

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? No.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Navy

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Eh wish I was still me with more $$$

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? I don’t have to wish, I’m doing it.

53. Favourite makeup brand? Tarte, morphs, fenty

54. Favourite store? Didn’t I answer this?

55. Favourite blog? My own💚

56. Favourite colour? Black, Periwinkle , light lavender ,pink

57. Favourite food? Japanese

58. Last thing you ate? 8 hours slow cooked ribs

59. First thing you ate this morning? Coffee

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Probably & Idr

61. Been suspended/expelled? Started a food fight in the science lab and they suspended the wrong Angela ~Womp womp...I did get detention a lot cause my shirt was too low in the front tho.

62. Been arrested? No

63. Ever been in love? Yea I think so

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? No. ☺️

65. Are you hungry right now? I could eat.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Meh

67. Facebook or Twitter? Fb

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?yes

70. Names of your bestfriends? Stephanie Lauren Rayza Kat Christina

71. Craving something? A simple hand hold...😔.... compliment here or there . To not have to do everything myself... I crave the help I constantly ask for and never get. I crave dick, I just don’t understand this shit anymore.... damnit tumblr u struck a nerve .

72. What colour are your towels? Mixed

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 1

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?idk

75. Favourite animal? So many..... tigers maybe? & Lynx. Sharks.

76. What colour is your underwear? Not wearing any 😬

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Mint chocolate chip

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Olive green

80. What colour pants? None on.

81. Favourite tv show? In the dark

82. Favourite movie? All 50 shades.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? First one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? How do these compare

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? The Lebanese chick

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Turtles

87. First person you talked to today? Gage

88. Last person you talked to today? Myself

89. Name a person you hate? Hate is a strong word.

90. Name a person you love? Gage

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Lol Geoff

92. In a fight with someone? No

93. How many sweatpants do you have? No idea

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Too many

95. Last movie you watched? “What if”

96. Favourite actress? Perry Mattfeld

97. Favourite actor? Hmmmm

98. Do you tan a lot?yassss

99. Have any pets? A zoo

100. How are you feeling? Confused, tired burning out ..

101. Do you type fast? I try

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes

103. Can you spell well? Eh

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes

108. What should you be doing? Listing stuff on Etsy

109. Is something irritating you right now? No

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Absolutely

111. Do you have trust issues? No, just don’t give me a reason too.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Ohhhh I don’t cry in front of ppl,cause then there’s a witness... did cry today tho, but you couldn’t see me.

113. What was your childhood nickname? Angiefur

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?not really

116. Are you listening to music right now? No

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yes

118. Do you like Chinese food? Yes

119. Favourite book? Crank

120. Are you afraid of the dark?some times

121. Are you mean? Don’t cross me 😘

122. Do you believe in “the one that got away”? Yes.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? I try

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Idk

125. Do you believe in true love? Yes

126. Are you currently bored? Yes

127. What makes you happy? Attention lol romance? I think romance is dead tho...

128. Would you change your name? My last name? If I were getting married, yes

129. What your zodiac sign? Leo

130. Do you like subway? Food yes, smelly train no....

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? All my besties have vaginas, nothing to worry about.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Steve

133. Favourite lyrics right now? Brand new : Jesus Christ

134. Can you count to one million? Yea but why

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t lie so I don’t have that problem

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed Cause only 1 Of my 4 asshole cats I allowed in my room

137. How tall are you? Oh how short am I? 5’1

138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? Right now black

140. Summer or Winter?summer

141. Night or Day? Summer nights

142. Favourite month? August

143. Are you a vegetarian? Keto

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark

145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee

146. Was today a good day? I think so

147. Mars or Snickers? Dark chocolate Milky Way

148. What’s your favourite quote? I’d have to think about it

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“His thumb brushes my lower lip, and his breath hitches. He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it’s forever…but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed.”

Excerpt From

Fifty Shades Trilogy Bundle: Fifty Shades of Grey; Fifty Shades Darker; Fifty Shades Freed

E L James

This material may be protected by copyright.

[inanawesomewave]

AND HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?

It’s been a very long time since I posted and for that I can only apologise, I’m extremely, abnormally, infinitely pregnant (okay, I’m 39 weeks) and I’ve spent this past few months hibernating, and recovering from a bipolar depression that, thankyou alexithymia, I didn’t notice I was having until it went away and I no longer had any thoughts of ending my life. But, I’m back now, happily alive and happy to be alive, and as I’m in these final days of pregnancy, I’m thinking about oxytocin. When you’re ridiculously pregnant you think of all the ways you can induce labour (hint: none of them work). I’ve tried it all, castor oil, clary sage, red raspberry leaf tea, evening primrose, sex, long walks, whatever. And I started thinking today about how the only thing that is proven to work, is oxytocin, and how when it is released, it can make your body think you are breastfeeding and you begin to have contractions now that the baby knows it’s okay to come out and get fed. That’s because oxytocin is a hormone that promotes love, bonding, sociability, friendship. They call it the hormone of love, lust and labour. And I realised, as I was looking up all the ways I could release oxytocin myself at home, that I don’t have a good relationship to it. At all. 

I first realised maybe there was something a little off with my oxytocin during my last pregnancy, and in the first few months of breastfeeding my son. I would pump milk or my son would latch on, and within seconds I felt horrendously depressed and anxious, as if the release of oxytocin triggered a panic response in me. They playfully call this “Sad Nipple Syndrome”, many people confuse it for a repressed memory of sexual abuse, but really, it’s related to a phenomenon known as Depressive Milk Ejection Reflex and is believed to be because of a rapid, brief reduction of dopamine immediately before milk let-down, but I wonder if for me it has more to do with oxytocin.

Now I’m not trying to martyr myself when I say this, because largely, I find breastfeeding very rewarding, not to mention practical, and money-saving, and it’s my favourite time of the evening -- when my son is cuddling me, watching his bedtime shows, and nursing. And I’m not battling through some horrendous feeling in order to do that, and really, I’d mostly got used to it. But just recently, near the end of the pregnancy I’m having now, I’m experiencing that familiar sense of dread, anxiety, depression and need to escape when he latches on, and I felt it the other night when I was expressing, and I felt it recently after (hehe) an orgasm. I mean, when it comes to dopamine, I’m fucked. I’m bipolar and I take, to be exact about the dosage, a metric ton of quetiapine (Seroquel) every day just to keep on an even keel, which is an antipsychotic which means its sole purpose is to tell my dopamine to shut the fuck up for five seconds. I’m used to having my dopamine function in swells and droughts. But oxytocin, fucking hell. I have antisocial personality disorder. It makes sense that something about the bonding hormone makes me feel uneasy, or even unwell, like I need to escape the situation. I’ve always said, something about myself and my disorder that I kind of despise, is how I have this bizarre drive to fight my way out of any and all groups I find myself in. Groups of friends, colleagues, schoolmates, peers of any kind, I will try with all my might to be part of the group, then when I realise how cynical I am about that, I will try to at least appear to be part of the group for Machiavellian reasons, and then when I begin hating myself because the pretence is too exhausting, I will find myself subconsciously picking the group apart. My lack of empathy becomes hostile, and if anything, the most toxic trait I exhibit in these situations is to break the group up entirely. If I can’t have it, nobody can. It was worse when I was younger: at school, I’d lie about things one friend said about the other and watch arguments happen, delighting in the collapse of that friendship circle. I’d tell one the other stole from them, I’d tell the other that everyone is saying she spread a harmful rumour. I’ve even gone so far as to frame a person for theft just to watch the fallout. I did that when I was about 8, I did it again when I was 10. I did it a third time in my teens. It was kind of my MO. I’m not proud of that spiteful need to isolate people from loving interaction just because I was so afraid of it. Okay, I’m a little proud of pulling it off. The ease with which you could snap apart even close bonds confirmed everything I loved and hated about how I saw the world: sociability is a lie and empathy is a cool trick to use against people. Even as an adult, whilst not maliciously and actively trying to hurt people any more, I have found reasons to leave groups under a black cloud. I was a poet once, and I hated all my contemporaries except for a few. I used the people I hated the most, got where I wanted to be, and fucked off forever because the game got boring. I did the same when I was a musician. When I was a student. When I was doing both my undergraduate degrees. My God, my need to be antisocial is so strong, it’s ruining my careers.

Now, we all know that research on ASPD is quite scant. They don’t really want to know much about us except for the fact we prefer bitter tasting things, or that people want to fuck us, or that we dig easily accessible rap music. What is out there about us is mostly inconclusive, or the conclusions drawn are highly subjective -- I featured one on this blog a long time ago for example that said we are more likely to use expressive, emotive and loaded language when talking about our life experiences, and the researchers used their personal judgements to conclude that this was further evidence of our heartlessness, which was fucking hilarious. Heaven forfend we might be seen as humans for five seconds. Anyway, today when searching around to see if there’s any chemical link to ASPD and oxytocin, I found this. If you don’t have access to it, that’s fine, it was a study from last year that looked into this very relationship, to see if oxytocin treatment could improve outcomes for antisocial people both with and without diagnosis. The research itself was more an inquiry into an aggregate of 36 previously done studies (because to actually do new research would cost money that needs to be spent on finding out if we ever yawn or if our eyes look weird or if we give a shit if someone jumps up behind us dead scary like and says “boo” or some shit). Results again were inconclusive, but something interested was noted: oxytocin was largely associated with a reduction in criminal/amoral/antisocial behaviour, but in some, had an opposite effect - that is to say, antisocials sometimes respond to oxytocin with hostility toward their loved ones. 

So why is that? Well, there aren’t any answers right now and “further high quality, large sample-size studies are required” (so, let’s not all hold our breath at once), but do I have a theory? You bet I do! 

We know that personality disorders, especially cluster-b, come from neglect and trauma. We can theorise that antisocials have a lack of empathy because we weren’t taught it, or maybe we had emotionally manipulative parents that would prey upon our empathy and later use it to harm us so we learned to be cynical of it, maybe we had to learn how to fake empathy toward our abusive parents so they’d stop beating the shit out of us for five seconds, maybe we learned the language of violence and aggression because it was the language we were taught at home, and maybe we fought our way out of social groups because we were taught not to have friends, or our parents only really loved us when we reflected their own hateful, selfish and volatile traits back to them, so we learned not only that love was pointless, but actively rejecting it was favourable. There are lots of reasons why a person might develop antisocial personality disorder. So surely it makes sense, that if we learn these antisocial behaviours, we also learn to be antisocial to a chemical process in our bodies that is imploring us to be the exact opposite? Doesn’t it make sense that if we feel love, bonding, connection, our instinct is to panic and fight it? To feel sad, to want to cry? And if we don’t know how to cry or connect to that part of ourselves because we never learned emotional intelligence, doesn’t it make sense we’d then convert that feeling into something else, something immediate and easy? Like anger? Like rage? Antisocial people experience everything in primaries: blue, red, yellow. Generic bad, rage, and generic good. When we need to access a secondary or tertiary emotion (something orange like homesickness? Or something even magenta like... fucking... humiliation?), we have to channel it back into one of those primary colours, something we can understand. So, generic good, generic bad, and red red rage are all we have. Oxytocin? Bonding? Who knows where that belongs. Could be any of the three. And let’s be honest, this isn’t restricted purely to antisocial personality disorder. Narcissists respond to love and bonding with a push-back, so do borderlines and histrionics. It all comes out different, but it all comes from the same place: don’t you fucking dare love me. The only person in my life I feel that immediate, unwavering bond with, is my son. Maybe that’s why I’ve been able to breastfeed him despite the sadness and panic of it all, because the initial reaction to the oxytocin is the hurdle and not the reward, and after that I can get to it properly, to look at him and feel intense love, empathy and joy. Maybe it’s evolutionary, the truth of it is when it comes to my children, I don’t care what the mechanism is that makes me love them the way I do or how it ties into my disorder. But how I feel about friends, lovers, and other family members is up for scrutiny, my own scrutiny at that. 

So as I sit here wondering why it’s hard for me to experience oxytocin, I wonder how the rest of you feel. Do you have a good relationship to it? What does it do for your empathy? When you perform a good deed, do you feel warm and fuzzy, or is it a logical step for you? How do you access love? Is it a decision, or a gut instinct? And for christ’s sake, when you have sex, are you doing it to grab hold of the oxytocin, or fight it off? 

[collapsingintojupiter]

Meet My Sids

So because I have no impulse control and exactly one person asked (@remussvscohangout​)--which is more than enough to make my dumb little brain extremely excited--I’m gonna introduce y’all to my Sides. And because my brain’s a chaotic little slice of ADHD hell, they’re a little complicated, but I shall do my best to do those little fucks justice.

Now, without further ado:

Charlie. “Sarcasm.” They’re the one that possesses most of my philosophical views and ideas on society and such, and they tend to be a fairly quick-witted disher of snarky comments when things get heated--thus the title “sarcasm.” They love debating, and often tend to try and moderate the others during discussions/debates for the sake of my sanity. As a result, they do a lot of breaking up the others’ fighting (and in case you hadn’t guessed--yes, they fight a lot). Like, a lot. It gets rough, but Charlie’s pretty much unfazed by everything and they don’t mind it much.

Ah, new people! This is interesting, I’ve never gotten to really chat with those before. We should talk sometime, yeah?

Riley. “Passion.” Is an actual bastard and will fight you. Or Daven. Or anyone. Mostly Daven though, they fight with Daven a lot (we’ll get to them in a moment). Riley encompasses most of my emotions, and as a result seems to operate on exactly two modes about 90% of the time: confused as fuck and angry as fuck (you can thank my ADHD for that). Nobody, not even they, know what to do about the other 10%. Definitely a shoot first, ask questions later sort. A lot of the others’ energy goes into reigning them in and trying to stop them from getting me killed.

What--who the fuck is this?? New--wait, we’re on Tumblr? What the fuck? Why didn’t you all tell me before!?

Cora. “Reason.” Possesses my one braincell, which they may or may not occasionally share with Charlie depending on the circumstances. They go off on tangents a lot when something catches their attention/gets them excited, and they are absolutely enraptured by space especially. They love it. They could talk about it forever (and they probably would if the others would let them). When they’re excited, it’s worse than Logan with Crofters, and they can be fairly distractible. However, they usually seem exasperated in group conversations because nobody listens. Ever. The others aren’t very good at listening (and quite frankly neither are they).

Greetings. It is a pleasure to meet you.

Kinsley. “Imagination.” Wild and absolutely chaotic troublemaker and schemer. Acts and dresses like a pirate, with a very Jack Sparrow sort of air about them that is fairly difficult to catch on to and understand. They tend to be quite random and spontaneous, and ramble a lot as the controller of my ideas/creativity and imagination. They get scolded by Cora a lot for being “unreasonable” and “absurd,” not that they’d ever let that stop them. And yes, they know they’re crazy. They’re proud of it.

This is cool shit. We’re finally like, real and stuff! Gotta love that. You all are welcome.

Daven. “Anxiety.” Usually reminds me of my faults and insecurities about every 30 seconds and is constantly worrying over something/worrying me over something because holy shit what if and also I just thought of this other thing and while we’re on that...They’re fairly sarcastic, and they will fight you and they will have their way if they’re anxious enough. If they’re not fighting with their twin they’re fighting with Riley, and Cora and Charlie are almost always trying to break them up and calm Daven down so they don’t screw me over. (*Hint, they’re not always successful).

Well this is a bad idea. Everybody’s gonna hate this.

Devin. “Depression.” Daven’s twin and a bastard to boot; they’re extremely grumpy, usually half asleep, and never want to do anything. Ever.  And they hate being around people; they’ll do pretty much anything to get me away from them so I can be alone. And not do anything. Loves music. Hates Daven (or so they claim; everybody knows it’s a lie though). Actually does sort of care about me, though they’re very misguided and tend to hurt me more than they help.

Who the fuck woke me up for this? I have better things to do. Like sleep. Get out of my McDonald’s.

Shasta. “Heart.” Bascially the only optimistic side on this trainwreck of a team. Sort of the child in the group, and the only Side that everybody’s nice to--probably because they’re always nice to everyone else. Anybody that says anything even remotely rude to Shasta will pretty much immediately find themselves facing the full wrath of literally everyone else. Nobody disrespects the sunshine and music and puppy and glitter-loving baby in the household and lives. Anyways, they’re basically my inner sense of morals and desire to do good and be a better person and stuff. They don’t surface much (probably why everyone else is such an idiot), but when they do the others do tend to listen (at least, they try. as said before, they’re not too good on the whole “listening” thing).

Hi everyone! It’s so nice to meet you all, I hope you guys are having a nice day!

So yeah those are my Sides. If you want to know more about them or ask them questions or see something, just shoot me an ask!

Seriously I’m begging y’all I’m so bored and need something to do and also very lonely help me

[bearofohu]

Professor Layton Anime Theory - Luke’s Possible Betrayal (LMDA Spoilers!)

hi guys its luke today i’m making a callout post on luke 

 this is probably the most cursed theory i will ever create and i promise this is pure speculation, i don’t WANT this to happen i don’t think this SHOULD happen i know the layton community will systematically explode if it does so please don’t unfollow me i am a sensitive boy 

summary of the theory: this theory analyzes the possibly of luke betraying layton in the relic stone mystery similarily to emmy based on several aspects of luke’s two appearances in the anime and what we know about the future of the anime so far.

warning: swearing, implications that luke is a good boy gone bad

ps: sorry for the typos im so fuckign tired

full theory under the cut! 

alright, lets go lesbians

me and the bros were talking on the layton community discord, and i mentioned something that has been bothering me about luke, a theory if you will. @officialchampionred summed up my thoughts on my own theory pretty well after i told them about it

i originally was just going to not do anything with my speculation, but i figured since the one i made about luke being kat’s father was so well received, even if i ended up being incorrect, i would take another shot at a theory that i think has a good chance of being realized somewhere down the line

ok so the theory summary sounds like a load of baloney when you read it for the first time, right? well hear me out, because i have several points to bring up that may rattle ur bones. without further ado, here are the points:

1. Luke’s Design and its Similarity to the Relic Stone Thugs In Episode 10

im going to start with one point that several people have caught on with all ready, but i don’t think anybody has ever really tried to connect the dots here. so you know luke’s new design, right? the fedora, the jacket, very cute

EXCEPT

here is an image comparison of luke’s design and the outfits of the men, we’ll call them the fedora fellas, we see that attack by don paolo’s orders in the museum 

now i know what you’re thinking, “that there is just coincidence” or, “THEY MUST ALL HAVE TO WEAR FEDORAS ON MONDAYS” but i assure you, the similarities here are not accidental. there’s just no way. the design team wouldn’t love the same horrible design enough to just use it on multiple characters just cause they want to. there is just no way this has no relevance. 

while some accessories and colors may be different on luke and the men, the general design is still in place, especially with the hat being an exact copy every time. a uniform protocol is being followed here. luke is most likely not wearing choice clothes. this is a uniform, and the men are also following this uniform.

it’s also worth mentioning that even don paolo has a SORT OF similar design change to the color schemes we see in the henchmen and luke

its not entirely relevant, but the red color kind of fits the bill, and i don’t think they would also change paolo’s design for absolutely no reason.

@muzzable also made an amazing color comparison for this theory between luke’s uniform and the fedora fellas, so full credit there! 

this image analyzes the color differences between luke’s outfit and the ones worn by those men. note that obviously its not exact, and its probably not supposed to be.

that’s because this is the shit akihiro doesn’t want you to pay much attention to while watching, and its WORKING. 

this is so in the event of a betrayal it will smack you upside the jaw (my jaws been broken before, it hurts)

now another counterpoint could be, “maybe its relevant but it doesnt automatically mean that luke works with the fedora fellas or don paolo” and you’d be fucking spot on you funky little luke fanatic, but i got a lot more up my sleeve to tell you.

at the end of this theory, we’re going to move to discuss luke’s motives, but for now, we’re going to stick with the essential points. now we’re going to move onto point 2, which isn’t entirely as direct as point 1, but still holds relevance if you squint

2. Luke’s Nervous/Suspicious Behaviour in Episode 10 & ESPECIALLY 20

watch out, this point is the biggest one analysis wise

you wanna know something i noticed about episode 10 and 20?

luke looks and acts noticeably nervous in almost every scene he’s appeared in

for one example, did anybody else notice the repetitive anime sweat drop going on with no character BUT luke in episode 20, ESPECIALLY the closer they got to the relic stone chamber?

he’s sweating in a LOT of scenes, and on top if that, if you pay attention to his behaviour a lot of it is him just looking generally... worried. a lot of people discredit the anime sweat drop as a cosmetic trope, but a lot of animators actually use it to convey genuine fear or anxiety that offers hints to the direction of the plot.

it’s like he knows something we don’t about the relic stones, like he has something to hide, and he gets worse the further they go, like the closer they get to the relic stones the more nervous luke gets that he’ll have to betray the professor IN THAT MOMENT

and hershel isn’t worried or nervous at all because he TRUSTS luke and i know you could be like, “oh but luke, hes just a nervous boy” and thats all fair and good, we can safely say that luke COULD be a naturally anxious character, but these little details and luke’s general behaviour are VERY noticeable once you pay attention to them for the first time, and also the concept of him being a nervous character was never in place when he was a boy with no malicious motives that we’re speculating now

the pattern of looking luke generally troubled is also shown in episode 10, though perhaps not as noticeable as it is in 20.

while they’re discussing the relic stones and luke is explaning the situation to marina (who im pretty sure is not aware of luke’s outside motive), he gets a little nervous and hesitant when they start talking about why he was doing it. layton then finishes his sentence for him, saying it was for katrielle, indirectly saving luke from having to scramble for an explanation.  he just looks OFF.

marina’s face is also the official mood for this post

anyway, level-5 loves using body language in their animations. in cutscenes, the characters often perform actions that define their thinking and their motive. for example, layton puts his hand on his chin and walks around, oh boy he’s going to expose someone. descole slams his hands on the piano keys in eternal diva, oh boy he’s pissed. layton points at someone, oh boy they’re the culprit. 

was luke ever THIS nervous and hesitant in the games, when he was a boy? no, not passively nervous. he was only really nervous in the face of danger. as a boy, he was actually pretty confrontational and confident.

so why act so strange here? what changed? 

luke looks pretty nervous in this anime, oh boy i wonder if there’s something bothering him that nobody knows about

i feel like now would be a good time to issue a disclaimer that also supports my points, this theory is NOT meant to imply, “oh luke’s a heartless bastard he hates layton and wants the relic stones for himself”

i have very little faith in the idea that, if luke is doing this, he would be doing it for himself, or because he wants to.

i’m confident in this theory, but im not confident that luke’s motives are just plain evil, because while his character can change and realistically SHOULD CHANGE, i don’t think he has it in him to just become evil. i think someone’s either forcing his hand (maybe similarly to clark’s situation), or giving him something he can’t refuse in return for layton. 

but more on that later.

now we move onto point 3!

3. Key Hint Passively Given by Picarats 

u guys know picarats, right? the guy that provides us with the streams, my bro, an awesome guy...

a guy that is in direct kahoots with level 5 and knows exactly how everything in the anime going to work out

beelieve it or not, picarats is actually a member of the discord server that i run (https://discord.gg/ZYxmPP) and he posts there occasionally. he’s pretty vocal with our community so it’s really not that much of a shocker that he would give us hints from time to time. we’re true bros. i love u my guy

but that’s not the point, the poINT, THE JUICY PART, the REASON why im bringing picarats up... is because he’s provided us with a crucial hint to support my theory, mainly during the episode 20 stream 

THE KEY HINT THAT PICARATS HAS GAVE US WAS...

LMDA’s storyline, in its current form and in its future presumably, is a  reflection of the events of Azran Legacy.

now this is something picarats DID say, though not entirely in verbatim, during the episode 20 stream. i promise u with every ounce of gay power in my body that he said that the anime’s storyline reflects azran legacy’s.

unfortunately, i do NOT have a screenshot because i was too busy having a psychiatric breakdown in the middle of the episode. if anyone took a screenshot of him saying that, pls send it to me, i will credit and love you forever. <3

that single hint during that stream is EXTREMELY crucial and most likely the most important one, it was one of the things that spurred my thinking about this theory, so essentially

BUT you may ask, lUKE, what is so important about the fact that the anime is supposed to mirror azran legacy?? whats the significance of that?? 

well.. u mere mortal... im about to give you a series of events from both azran legacy and LMDA

azran legacy was an adventure to discover the secrets of the azran, right?

right.

emmy, his loya resourceful assistant and friend of whomst he TRUSTS, is with him up until they are moments away from unlocking the secrets, right?

right.

then, this devastating shit happens.

emmy shows remorse for betraying layton but tells him she was doing it for someone else and wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

everyone dies.

are you following my thought process so far?

now lets go to LMDA’s current canon storyline

layton reunites with luke, who is acting nervous constantly and wears an outfit similar to the people who want the relic stones for malicious intent 

layton, fully trusting luke, leave katrielle to go on an adventure to find the relic stones, a series of artifacts that are linked to the azran.

they go on the adventure and then become moments away from unlocking the secrets of the relic stones

LAYTON GOES MISSING.

thanks picarats, that single sentence you said in a stream has turned me into a conspiracy theorist

are we broken yet? are we all nice and broken yet?? good. now we get to talk about LUKE’S POSSIBLE MOTIVES.

Luke’s Possible Motives for Betraying Layton

now this is yet another juicy part of the theory, and probably where the biggest counterargument might come into play, which is:

“bUt LUkE WoUld NeV ER dO tHAT”

bUT i will give you my theories on luke’s possible motives for concocting a scheme that wild, but before i do, i would like to give u a memorable quote from clove dive that basically sums up the point im about to make:

we, as a fandom, are collectively forgetting that it is unrealistic to think luke has barely changed in terms of personality and motive

do i blame us? no. after all, we’ve known luke as an innocent boy for about 11 years now. 

hino knows this. hino knows how good we think luke is. that’s why i said that his attempt to make us ignore the hints is WORKING.

and like i said, i can’t blame any of us at all for wanting to believe that luke hasn’t changed, but its simply unrealistic. 

as much as we don’t like to believe it, luke and layton have basically barely if not at all interacted for several years up until this point

luke is not a boy. something about luke has changed. 

and this theory attempts to connect just what that change might be.

like i said before, i wholeheartedly disbelieve that in the event this theory is accurate, luke has ‘turned evil’ just like we all believe emmy didn’t turn evil.

they were forced to do it for something that they deeply cared about.

they were forced to betray their friend for something bigger.

and i think that’s a damn exhilarating plot device.

Conclusion 

now you might have guessed that in this point in the theory i’ve gone from being serious into shitposting as my thought process usually does, and also i’ve been working on this since 3 AM, so im gonna go ahead and wrap this up with a disclaimer before you throw a chair at me.

i am in no way implying that this is canon or SHOULD be canon. i love luke and don’t want to see him betray layton, but this theory is meant to purely speculate the possibilites of the future of this anime

in a nutshell...

its just a theory.

A GGAAMMEE TTH E EE O RR Y.

(c) luke’s terrible and scatterbrained theories vol. 2

[mentalcurls]

4. Il tuo ragazzo lo sa che ci scriviamo?

So, episode 4, our first glimpse of actual, real life, blood and bones Edoardo Incanti and the actual beginning of most of Eva’s troubles. For a hot minute I thought I wouldn’t actually have much to say about this episode, then Silvia happened and I wrote more than half a page about her. Keep reading for a discussion of catwalks, the first time Filippo Sava is mentioned ever and the results for the Bechdel test!

post sex cuddles for Eva and Gio is doing a staring contest

I like a woman who knows how to exploit a man’s weaknesses, like pulling the hair on his legs

wow, Gio’s subconscious must be a really weird place if that’s what he dreams about when it’s about Eva, her saying she wants to be a group of strangers’ slut, how edifying

“Oh, everyone calls her that [Osana bin Laden]” *grandma’s voice comes out of nowhere: “so if everyone went and jumped off a cliff would you follow them”?* *a wild Niccolò Fares dressed as Marty McFly teleports himself there from 3.5 Ammucchiate to make his “I’m disappointed by your generalizations” face at Gio*

I mean, Eva, maybe telling Gio Sana told you to break up with him won’t make him like her more, but that’s just my opinion

“Va bene, grazie, grazie mille, ciao, fantastico” Eva, that’s not how you pretend you’re not hiding something, that’s how you talk to the dentist’s secretary on the phone when you make an appointment

poor Gio, thrown out just in his underwear, no pants, no shoes, as if there wasn’t time to put them on at least when Eva could have simply gone to the bathroom and made a lot of noise to throw her mom off and let Gio leave with some dignity at least

I mean, that’s the guy who brings you crepes at 2 am Eva, you should treat him a bit better

“Oh God, Edoardo is here, don’t look” and all four of them look, like, C’MON!

I maintain that Edoardo/Giancarlo is cute, but nothing special, really, nothing worth having girls turn their heads for, especially when he snorts

that catwalk is nothing to turn your nose up at, tough

I was unsure about this for a bit because she doesn’t like that Gio doesn’t care that much about being widely accepted and considered cool at school, but Eva doesn’t care about being popular either, she simply wants positive female relationships with her peers, except that she was used to being one of the cool girls when she was friends with Laura, so some of that lingers

“Sometimes she reminds me of Cersei Lannister” only sometimes, Silvia?

Marti is wearing his blue jacket 😭

“Do you know a ‘Giulia Med’ on Instagram?” is this LudoBesse trying to plant some kind of Julian Dahl??? OMG

Eva laughs when Marti says that there’s a girl stalking him, but then she gets called a stalker herself and her face goes “Nope. Nope.”

poor Gio, he really has to fish for that invitation to dinner

I can’t imagine the anxiety very message from Canegallo gives her, because Giovanni is right there, and we know from his dismissive comment on Rocco Martucci to Silvia the previous episode (and Eva probably has known it far longer) that he doesn’t understand trying to get in with the cool clique, so he won’t get it, he’ll just assume the worst

not that Canegallo helps out with that. I get, you’re cool, you’re popular, you can have any girl you want and Eva is sending you mixed signals, so you’re pursuing her… except is all of that true? No! We already know almost nobody knew him at the Easter party cause Eva had look for him for ages, he has to have gotten that Eva didn’t go up to him because she’s into him, so the only “mixed signal” is the likes on Instagram, which is something a hundred girls have probably done before, Eva’s answers to hi DMs are vague… really, dude, don’t you see you’re projecting your own attraction onto her?

And anyways, why the fuck are you acting like such a creep? You’re “excited” she’s stalking you? Why has every girl who’s come before Eva let you get away with shit like that? Why doesn’t your girlfriend teach you any better? Oh wait, yeah, because that’s just boys being boys 🙄🙄🙄

Gio senses there’s something off… so why would you think Eva doesn’t sense something is off with you when you keep stuff from her?

Gio 😀 laughing 😀 at 😀 Eva’s 😀 new 😀 friends 😀 after 😀 pestering 😀 her 😀 to 😀 get 😀 new 😀 ones 😀 for 😀 ages 😀 I’m fine, really

those last few lines, when sex is treated as a bargaining chip and Eva’s mean for withholding it and Gio is considered whipped because he keeps things Eva has asked him not to say for himself… 🤦🏻‍♀️

Silvia’s absolute adoration for Eva for having managed in a day what she’s been trying to do for years (I’d bet at least since 2nd year, when Edoardo probably became cool) and get an in with the cool people. Poor child, how much did being your sister’s sister hurt you?

Sana’s “You all follow really predictable mating rules.” and Eleonora’s hesitation before saying “fregne” have the same energy. Yet neither of them backs off.

“Grigliamo la testa a Rodi”/”Let’s grill Rodi’s head” top notch group chat name (considering all the flak “Le matte” got from Gio earlier)

looking like “sfigate allucinanti”, the worst catastrophe that could possibly befall a group of outcast-ish girls who are widely considered losers already, seeing as one is a cheating whore, one is fat, one is hysterical, one is the new girl and then there’s Sana

“Everybody livin the vida loca in this group, huh?” Eva, you hate weed. You went on a crusade against your boyfriend because

Poor Silvia, panicking already. Sana, she doesn’t “talk a lot” she’s ANXIOUS, c’mon girl, you’re smarter than that

re: Silvia talking a lot and Silvia more in general, I couldn’t help but think of this post and the article it links to. Silvia is torn between being a cool girl, the one everyone adores, so the one who gets (in her idealized picture of it) all the respect, attention and love she craves, and being low-maintenance because she’s probably been taught that careful politeness of proper, refined girls, who don’t make scenes, always look perfect and never ask for too much (which has probably something to do with her sister Francesca as well). It doesn’t come naturally to her, so she ends up trying way too hard, sounding needy and talking too much and all the other things (mostly) Sana tells her to stop doing in the first few episodes.

And because she wants to get Edoardo, Silvia does her best to change herself into the low-maintenance girl: she’s fine with him just visualizing her texts, she’s fine with just sex with no date beforehand or anything, she’s fine with not going to his place even though it means have has lo lend her her family’s house, she’s fine with maybe coming and with maybe making Edoardo come, she’s fine with not using a condom even though she’s not on contraception. She’s low maintenance. Then he says those awful thing to her and she probably snaps, understands on some level that she’s not fine, but represses it as fuck and works to be even less maintenance, and ever more perfect: she curbs another kind of hunger, the hunger for food and starts going down the eating disorders road, until she has another breakdown. We see too little of her in S2 to gauge how she’s doing, but I hope the girls are helping her recover a bit, despite the fact that at the beginning they’re actually the ones who suggest toning herself down. ETA: this post is also kind of relevant to the work Silvia puts in to be attractive to Edoardo, in particular when it says “women are expected to aspire toward passivity while improving their bodies and minds for winning a sexual competition”.

Federica, on the other hand, is the exact opposite: she’s not afraid to take up space, physical or otherwise, she’s loud and unapologetic, she is hungry for food and for fun and for sex (see the spoon scene with Marti or the kiss to a stunned Chicco Rodi) and she’s not going to pretend she’s not to make people around her feel more comfortable; actually, she’s the one who most often makes people uncomfortable. It’s really good that Silvia has her and we never see Silvia complain about her like she does about Sana or Eva when they deviate from her ideal of who her friends should be.

So, after that rant, let’s go back to Fede leaving the girls speechless with her spiel about paying back the weed with sexual favors, which just proves the point I made above.

in the meantime, Eva lies unconvincingly to Gio, and I reiterate: Giovanni Garau con la U perché sei sardo, don’t you realize that if you can spot a lie in Eva’s words from the other side of Rome, she probably can spot your lies? So given how mad you get, how can you blame her for being angry and paranoid?

this is the catwalk episode, first the Villa guys outside school, everyone looking at them first, then just the girls squad minus Ele; now the girls, first down the deserted road (cause they’re not popular), then under Chicco Rodi’s and Canegallo’s watchful gaze

the disgusted look Eva gives Canegallo as soon as she gets in, good shit right there 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Sana surely draws attention to herself, which is not nice except that if she wasn’t so “unusual” she wouldn’t have caught Edoardo’s eye either and the girls wouldn’t have introduced themselves to him, so really, Silvia, shut up

ELEONORA VOLUNTARILY INTRODUCED HERSELF AND SHOOK EDOARDO’S HAND baby no (I mean, he’ll forget anyways, but for that exact reason honey, don’t)

Federico Canegallo laying it on thick from the very first moment, offering the girls salsicce and thank God Eva wasn’t alone or God knows what horrible, misogynistic pun he’d have made

WHO EVEN MAKES FRUIT PUNCH IN ITALY?

creepy Canegallo make another silent appearance cheering on Sara and Laura as they play beer pong so they can get drunker and drunker

the girls cheering on Silvia like it’s the final of the 2006 Football World Cup

aaaand creepy Canegallo being a creep

idk he just strikes me as a douche and rude and lewd so I just always find him creepy

oh, Fede, I know you’re just trying to be supportive, but girl, if your friend is uncertain about going with a boy or not, you should not push her! ffs, do they know nothing about consent? (Answering my own question: no!)

FILO! My lovely Filippo is calling! And Ele is all worried, rushing off and even leaving Eva alone, when we know she’d never do that if something wasn’t pretty seriously wrong… oh, Filo, what happened to you? I hope that Jack didn’t get hurt.

“You know, I mostly go out with my boyfriend.” a nice, natural, smooth way to throw that in, Eva.

Fede has her priorities straight: she drops the boy she was hoping to get the minute her friends need her, but she still goes and gets herself a kiss

Bechdel test: the episode passes the test. There’s the conversation outside school between Silvia and Eva then all the girls minus Eleonora get there and Sana roasts Silvia’s social media habits, but the rest of that scene is dominated by Edoardo and Federico, there’s the conversation between Eva and Eleonora as soon as they get to the party about Laura and Sara. Technically some parts of the conversation at the Baretto pass the test too, but it’s like two lines at a time (about the weed, about Silvia being talking too much), but 98% of that scene is dedicated to either the Villa guys, Edoardo or Fede’s friend who sells weed, plus there’s the phone chat between Eva and Gio.

This post is part of my complete series of meta about Skam Italia season 1.   If you’d like to read more of my thoughts about the other episodes, you can find the mastepost linked in the top bar on my blog under SKAMIT: EVA. Cheers!