#also yes i'm aware i should just stop reading if it bothers me

[kurokoros]

I hate you cross-tagging! I hate you pointless love-triangles! I hate you fics that shove in multiple love interests just to get as many readers as possible! I hate you writing that develops more/better chemistry between the ship that ultimately doesn’t work out!

[lucky-clover-gazette]

prince's gambit highlights & annotations

chapter 19

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

He found he had put himself bodily in Guymar’s way. ‘No. No one goes in.’ Anger, irrationally, blossomed. Behind him was the closed door to the tower rooms, a barrier to disaster. Guymar should know better than to barge in and make Laurent’s mood worse. Guymar should have known better than to cause Laurent’s mood in the first place.

one kiss and he’s fully down bad. like these are max levels of damen down bad-ness. it took one kiss. holy shit dude. we went from “laurent knows everything and is always planning something terrible” to “you will NOT bother my poor little meow meow while he does his silent soliloquy”

‘This time, I want it actually kept clear. I don’t care who is about to get molested. No one is to come here. Is that understood?’ ‘Yes, Captain.’ Guymar bowed and retreated. Damen found himself with his hands braced on the stone crenellation, in unconscious echoing of Laurent’s pose, the line of Laurent’s back the last thing he had seen before he had put the heel of his palm to the door. His heart was pounding. He wanted to make a barrier that protected Laurent from anyone who would intrude on him. He’d keep that perimeter clear, if it meant stalking these battlements and patrolling it himself. He knew this about Laurent. That once he gave himself time alone to think, the control returned, reason won out. The part of him that didn’t want to drop Aimeric with a punch recognised that both Jord and Aimeric had just been put through the wringer. It was a mess that needn’t have happened. If they’d just—steered clear. Friends, Laurent had said, high on the battlements. Is that what we are? Damen’s hands drew into fists. Aimeric was an inveterate troublemaker with terrible timing.

this is so ridiculous damen you have laurent brainrot it is so funny how this has unlocked primal rage and determination in you that literal flogging couldn’t

but keep your head up king, this is the chapter where you get to smash

The idea of stopping, allowing himself a moment to think, was terrible. Outside, there was nothing, just the last hours of darkness, and the long ride in the dawn.

and no more laurent to smooch >:(

‘Watch over the Prince,’ he heard himself say. ‘Anything he needs, make certain he has it. Take care of him.’ He was aware of the incongruity of the words, of his hard grip on the soldier’s arm. When he tried to stop, his grip only tightened. ‘He deserves your loyalty.’

damen said “it’s MY turn on the projection”

His time as Laurent’s Captain had been short-lived. An afternoon. An evening. In that time they’d won a battle and taken a fort. It seemed wild and improbable, a hard-edged golden piece of metal in his hand.

also they’d kissed on the mouth. leaving out a pretty essential detail there damen

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘Your servants brought me to the wrong rooms.’ ‘No, they didn’t,’ said Laurent.

pffft did they just know? i’m not sure when laurent could have asked them to do it. so they must have just assumed laurent wanted him there

‘I don’t want to talk about Aimeric,’ said Laurent. ‘Or my uncle.’ Laurent began to come forward.

uh laurent i don’t think damen mentioned the regent at all. i think you’re telling yourself to stop thinking about your uncle because you would like to fuck damen without ptsd making it weird

Laurent said, ‘I know you’re planning to leave tomorrow. You’re going to cross the border, and you’re not going to come back. Say it.’ ‘I—’ ‘Say it.’ ‘I’m going to leave tomorrow,’ said Damen, as steadily as he could. ‘I’m not going to come back.’ He drew in a breath that hurt his chest. ‘Laurent—’ ‘No, I don’t care. Tomorrow you leave. But you’re mine now. You’re still my slave tonight.’ Damen felt the words hit, but that was subsumed in the shock of Laurent’s hand on him, a push backwards. His legs hit the bed. The world tilted, bed silks and roseate light. He felt Laurent’s knee alongside his thigh, Laurent’s hand on his chest. ‘I—don’t—’ ‘I think you do,’ said Laurent.

laurent listened to “dead girl walking” from heathers musical on the way up to the rooms in preparation for this. also i love the mixed feelings here—on one hand, hell yeah laurent, let yourself have this, but also this is fucked up for you both, and you really should talk it out, and the fact that you’re demanding his abandonment before fucking him is concerning, like you only want to fuck if you know he’s leaving anyway, but i mean why not then, if he’s leaving, and you know he wants you, and this is the last night to do it…

also laurent knows damen wants this, and he’s not actually using the slave thing here. the only way he’s using it, is calling damen on what he said earlier that evening before the kissing. cashing in on it, in a way. it’s not exactly healthy but i wouldn’t say it’s like non-consensual or anything

‘What am I doing? You are not very observant.’ ‘You’re not yourself,’ said Damen. ‘And even if you were, you don’t do anything without a dozen motives.’ Laurent went very still, the soft words half bitter. ‘Don’t I? I must want something.’

ooof that hit a sore spot, i think. laurent very badly wants to both lose and take control right now, and sex is a way he’s both lost and had control in the past—lost control to the regent, and had it over damen back in arles. he’s trying not to think about that, about the reasons, and damen is trying to make him think about it, and also implying that laurent can’t just do anything because it’s what he wants or feels.

‘Laurent,’ he said. ‘You take liberties,’ said Laurent. ‘I never gave you permission to call me by my name.’ ‘Your Highness,’ said Damen, and the words twisted, wrong in his mouth. He needed to say, Don’t do this. But he couldn’t think past Laurent, improbably close. He felt each shifting inch that divided their bodies with a fluttering, illicit sensation at Laurent’s proximity. He closed his eyes against it, felt his body’s painful yearning. ‘I don’t think you want me. I think you just want me to feel this.’ ‘Then, feel it,’ said Laurent.

“i don’t think you want me, i think you just want me to feel this” is an INSANE and deeply true line. but also, i think laurent does want damen—HIS damen, not damianos. and this is the last night he can have his damen.

and maybe laurent enjoys your reactions, damen. ever think about that?

‘You liked this too, with Ancel.’ ‘That wasn’t Ancel,’ said Damen, the words coming out, raw and honest. ‘That was all you, and you know it.’

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOO

The rise and fall of Laurent’s hand was like the slide of Laurent’s words, like every frustrating argument that they’d ever had, stymied, tangled up in Laurent’s voice.

great line. love how it ties the sex act to something deeper between them

Laurent held his former mood within him, constrained, and converted into something else.

horny and angry is not the ideal way for them to fuck for the first time, and for laurent to fuck for the first time since [redacted], but since when has anything been ideal for laurent (or damen, as of book 1)

He felt Laurent pulling back, pulling away, shuttering himself, trying but not quite able to manage a cool snap withdrawal. Laurent said, ‘Adequate.’

book 1: “Laurent turned to Damen. ‘Well?’ Laurent said. ‘Can you couple adequately, or do you just kill things?”

He’d caught Laurent’s wrist before, to hold him back from a blow, a knife strike. He held him now. He could feel the desperate urge for retreat. He could feel something else too, Laurent keeping himself apart, as though, this act being finished, he had no template for what to do. ‘Kiss me,’ he said again.

this is so good. it’s good for all the things damen knows, and all the things he doesn’t know. because he’s doing good here, even without the truth about the regent clicking. he’s helping laurent figure this out, confidently and compassionately, and showing him that he doesn’t need to retreat.

Dark-eyed, Laurent was holding himself in place as though pushing himself past a barrier, the tension in Laurent’s body still telegraphing flight, and Damen felt the shock with his whole body when Laurent’s gaze dropped to his mouth. His own eyes fell closed as he realised that Laurent was going to do this, and he held himself very still. Laurent kissed with a slight parting of his lips, as though he was unconscious of what he was asking for, and Damen kissed him back carefully, dizzy with the idea that the kiss would deepen.

see my previous comments about trauma and my appreciation for laurent as a romantic interest/lead

For a moment, looking felt like kissing, an exchange in which the distinctions of intimacy blurred.

"distinctions of intimacy blurred" is such a succinct way to summarize the way pacat writes the overall romantic arc. they do not need to be fucking to be fucking, and when they are fucking, they're doing other stuff too

It was not what Laurent had expected. He felt the slight shock of Laurent’s surprise, and the way Laurent held himself, as though confused as to why Damen wished to do this, but he felt the moment when surprise turned to something else.

“confused as to why damen wanted to do this” yeah that’s pretty typical for laurent

Damen allowed himself the minor delight of nuzzling.

fantastic line

He lifted his fingers to the tie that closed Laurent’s collar. He had been trained to do this, he knew every intricate fastening.

talk about setup and payoff...

Exposed, Laurent’s nipples were hard and puckered, the first tangible evidence of desire, and Damen felt a wild surge of gratification. His eyes lifted to Laurent’s. Laurent said, ‘Did you think I was made of stone?’ He couldn’t stop the rush of pleasure he felt at that, said, ‘Nothing you don’t want.’ ‘You think I don’t want it?’ Seeing the look in Laurent’s eyes, Damen deliberately pushed him back onto the sheets.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay big turning point! probably the first major tell we’ve gotten of laurent being out of control of his reactions, AND he isn’t ashamed of it and asks for more!!! massive laurent (and damen) w!!!

Lifting a hand idly to the exact place above his head where Damen might have pressed it, Laurent gazed back at him through veiled lashes. ‘Like being on top, do you?’ ‘Yes.’ Never more so than at this moment. To have Laurent beneath him was heady.

they’re both having so much fun in different but complimentary ways. laurent enjoys what he’s doing to damen, damen enjoys what laurent is doing to him. they’re both getting something out of it, which i don’t think damen fully understood what he said that thing about laurent not wanting him, but wanting to make him feel. he wants it because it’s you specifically, dummy.

Despite the cool tone, he was aware of the extent to which Laurent was holding himself in place, allowing himself to be touched. Tension still glinted in Laurent’s body, like the shine on a blade edge that would slice you open at the wrong touch.

Damen let himself experience dizzily just how much he liked the idea of controlled Laurent betraying himself in salt flavoured need into his mouth. He touched it with his hand and encountered a texture like hot silk.

i like how pacat finds these ways to say what’s going on, but in a much more compelling and beautiful way than just “damen wanted to blow him” and “his dick was nice”

‘I am not going to reciprocate.’ Damen looked up. ‘What?’ Laurent said, ‘I am not going to do that to you.’ ‘And so?’ ‘Do you want me to suck your cock?’ said Laurent, precisely. ‘Because I don’t plan to. If you are proceeding on the expectation of reciprocity, then you had best be forewarned that—’ This was too convoluted for bed play. Damen listened, satisfied himself that in all of this talking there was no actual objection, then simply applied his mouth.

LOVE THIS. how complicated traumatized laurent trying to deflect is just washing over damen, he doesn’t care if it’s not reciprocal, he just wants to make laurent feel good. something laurent doesn’t understand or expect because sex for him has always been about making [redacted] feel good and that’s it. and laurent’s bitchiness here is so tenderly and funny and in character. he delivered a “precise treatise on cocksucking” in book 1, of course he’d regard this like a business negotiation

For all his seeming experience, Laurent reacted like an innocent to this pleasure. He let out a soft shocked sound, and his body re-formed around the place where Damen was giving his attention. Damen held Laurent in place, hands to hips, and allowed himself to enjoy Laurent’s slight, helpless shifts and pushes, the quality of his surprise, and the hard act of repression that followed, as Laurent tried to even out his breathing.

damen associates sex with happily giving and receiving pleasure, so he’s confused/surprised by laurent’s unfamiliarity with actually getting attention and enjoying himself

Laurent was, by far, the most controlled lover Damen had ever taken to bed.

damen a lot of them were slaves. coached to make you feel like a god. just saying

And felt it stymied. As rhythm built, Laurent’s body locked down, his responses repressed. Looking up, he saw that Laurent’s hands were fists in the sheets, his eyes closed, his head turned to one side. Laurent, out on the shattered edge of pleasure, was holding himself back from climax by sheer force of his impossible will.

again i say, i’m so glad to see someone like laurent as the love interest in a romance novel, holy shit

After a long moment Laurent said, with painful honesty, ‘I . . . find it difficult to let go of control.’ ‘No kidding,’ said Damen.

:) a really nice tension-breaking way to find a little humor in it all, made even lighter by damen’s lack of awareness re: [redacted]

‘You want to take me, as a man takes a boy.’

this is the first moment where i’m just like DAMEN. truly. how are you not guessing this. i get that it’s consistent with his character to not assume the worst, but oh my god

‘You make it sound simple.’ ‘It is simple.’

The words fell into a stillness between them. Laurent’s breathing was shallow, and his cheeks were flushed as he closed his eyes, as though he wanted to block out the world. ‘I want,’ said Laurent, ‘I want it to be simple.’

‘Yes,’ said Laurent. ‘But—wasn’t it—’ ‘Will you stop talking about it.’ The words were ground out.

oh he’s trying so hard to let himself have this. probably before he feels really ready but it’s his last night with damen so!!

For all his bizarre nervy tension, Laurent was indisputably eager, physically. Damen searched his blue eyes. ‘Contrary, aren’t you,’ said Damen softly, thumbing over Laurent’s cheek. ‘Fuck me,’ said Laurent. ‘I want to,’ said Damen. ‘Can you let me?’ He said it quietly, and waited, as Laurent’s eyes closed again, a muscle sliding in his jaw. The idea of being fucked very clearly had Laurent out of his mind, as desire competed with some sort of convoluted mental objection that really needed, Damen thought, to be dispensed with. ‘I am letting you,’ said Laurent, the terse words pushing out. ‘Will you get on with it?’

this is so well-written, both what’s in the lines and what’s in between them. it’s a sex scene but it’s also a masterful scene of dramatic irony and characterization for them both

He watched Laurent’s face, the slight flush, the fractional changes of his expression, his eyes wide and dark. It was intensely private.

of course he's in his own head. that's laurent, for better or for worse

He felt some sense that he needed to hold onto this, to hold it tight and never let it out of his grip. You’re mine, he wanted to say, and couldn’t. Laurent didn’t belong to him; this was something he could have only once. His chest hurt.

To get what you want, you have to know exactly how much you are willing to give up. Never had he wanted something this badly, and held it in his hands knowing that tomorrow it would be gone, traded for the high cliffs of Ios, and the uncertain future across the border, the chance to stand before his brother, to ask him for all the answers that no longer seemed so important. A kingdom, or this.

i don’t have much to add here. it’s being explained perfectly in the text. it's nice to be at this point of understanding with the characters and plot that things can come together like this, thematically, on the page.

[docholligay]

Do you think authors sometimes don't realize how their, uh, interests creep into their writing? I'm talking about stuff like Robert Jordan's obvious femdom kink, or Anne Rice's preoccupation with inc*st and p*dophilia. Did their editors ever gently ask them if they've ever actually read what they've written?

Firstly, a reminder: This is not tiktok and we just say the words incest and pedophilia here.

Secondly, I don't know if I would call them 'interests' so much as fixations or even concerns. There are monstrous things that people think about, and I think writing is a place to engage with those monstrous things. It doesn't bother me that people engage with those things. I exist somewhere within the whump scale, and I would hope no one would think less of me just because sooner or later I like to rough a good character up a bit, you know? It's fun to torture characters, as a treat!

But, anyway, assuming this question isn't, "Do writers know they're gross when I think they are gross" which I'm going to take the kind road and assume it isn't, but is instead, "Do you think authors are aware of the things they constantly come back to?"

Sometimes. It can be jarring to read your own writing and realize that there are things you CLEARLY are preoccupied with. (mm, I like that word more than concerns). There are things you think about over and over, your run your mind over them and they keep working their way back in. I think this is true of most authors, when you read enough of them. Where you almost want to ask, "So...what's up with that?" or sometimes I read enough of someone's work that I have a PRETTY good idea what's up with that.

I've never read Robert Jordan and I don't intend to start (I think it would bore me this is not a moral stance) and I've really never read Rice's erotica. In erotica especially I think you have all the right in the world to get fucking weird about it! But so, when I was young I read the whole Vampire Chronicles series. I don't remember it perfectly, but there's plenty in it to reveal VERY plainly that Anne Rice has issues with God but deeply believes in God, and Anne Rice has a preoccupation with the idea of what should stay dead, and what it means to become. So, when i found out her daughter died at the age of six, before Rice wrote all of this, and she grew up very very Catholic' I said, 'yeah, that fucking checks out'.

Was Rice herself aware of how those things formed her writing? I think at a certain point probably yes. The character of Claudia is in every way too on the nose for her not to have SOME idea unless she was REAL REAL dense about her own inner workings. But, sometimes I know where something I write about comes from, that doesn't mean I'm interested in sharing it with the class. I would never ever fucking say, 'The reasons I seem to write so much of x as y is that z happened to me years ago' ahaha FUCK THAT NOISE. NYET. RIDE ON, COWBOY.

But I've known some people in fandom works who clearly have something going on and don't seem to realize it. Or they're very good at hiding it. Based on the people I'm talking about I would say it's more a lack of self-knowledge, and I don't even mean that unkindly. I have, in many ways, taken myself down to the studs and rebuilt it all, so I unfortunately am very aware of why I do and write the things I do most of the time. It's extremely annoying not to be able to blame something. I imagine it must be very freeing. But it ain't me, babe.

Anyway, a lot of words to say: Maybe! But that might not stop them from writing it, it might be a useful thing for them to engage with, and you can always just not read it.

Also, we don't censor words here.

[sillyguy99]

* don't look now, but i lost my shoe.

(Undertale Sans x Reader)

Chapter One: * what's with these homies, dissin' my girl?

[Index | Next]

Notice:

(This story is nearly 5 years old, and though it doesn't show my best work, I decided to post it, just because I stopped it at chapter 18, when there were only 2 more chapters left to finish it. So... I'm gonna give it another shot – making minor edits to make the plot less dramatic and angsty, lol.)

(***Also, since Tumblr has a more limited format: italic texts are from you, the reader, and bold texts are from others.)

• • • • •

You've changed.

The best thing your boss did was to give you that warning.

You shouldn't keep working for the law if you're just gonna be a traitor.

How am I a traitor?

You work 9 to 5, sometimes 8 to 6, for the benefit of monsters.

Now, all of a sudden, our sex life goes down the drain.

I haven't slept with you since you got that promotion, and that was two whole months ago.

I'm supposed to be your husband, but you've left me in the dry.

I'm tired.

And I refuse to sleep with someone who won't support me in my new job.

Or should I remind you said I wasn't a real detective?

That my degree's 'worth shit', simply because of the field I'm working in these days?

               The rest is an ongoing, fruitless conversation you can't bother yourself with.

               Through reading those texts for what has to be the twentieth time today, you sigh, hiccup, and close your eyes tight, lifting your face slightly to avoid letting tears fall. 

               Barely two hours are left until he comes home to drop off your child, and the mere thought that you have to sleep with him five hours after that makes your stomach twist and churn. You don't want to imagine him naked: panting, heavy, and on top of you again, doing whatever he pleases with little regards to your own limits. Nausea takes over – violent, making you open your eyes and suppress a gag.

               You really, really don't want anything to do with him anymore.

               Yet, he insists you should remain married until your child reaches their eighteenth birthday.

               “At least wait until they're grown up,” he said. “Cuz what's six more years? Be honest with me.” Then, he chuckled. “As ugly as you frown when you see me, I doubt you hate me that much.”

               That had been a year ago.

               Would you really have to wait five more years until your freedom?

               The thought sends chills down your spine.

               While he was a good father, that adjective didn't really fit next to husband. 

               At the beginning of your marriage, yes – he was the best spouse you could ask for.

               Now?

               You'd rather eat drywall than have to spend a single second near him – without your child around, of course.

               With your newest agreement, it felt more as if your husband were a client, his payment being not making your life hell, and your service what he claimed was something a wife should be willing to give twenty-four seven.

               You shake your head and search for a distraction amongst the people surrounding the bar, aware you can only end up worse if you continue to dwell on the subject. The air presses down on you hot and heavy, a feeling that only increases the more time you stay seated without doing anything for your growing aches. Your sole companion is your mind when you realize you're too overcome with emotions to talk to someone without scaring them off. Chatter drowns out coherent thinking and sensory overload begins to show by how difficult breathing becomes. Seeking an escape route, you hold the bartender back with a raised hand and an 'excuse me'. Then, you ask him for some bottled water – the only kind he could touch willingly. Small embers flutter around the air as he turns around, leaving you alone with burning cheeks and a pounding headache. 

               Groaning, you pinch the bridge of your nose and blink through your blurry vision. Then, you adjust your glasses – despite knowing the excess shots have pretty much screwed you over already. The hour marked on your phone surfaces a sigh. How fast time seems to be going makes you notice you currently only have around an hour left before your husband arrives with your child. They would be staying with you while he went off to work, and the least you wanted was to look washed up for his arrival.

               "need somethin' else, pal?"

               You jolt at the new voice, deep and hearty.

               Reluctantly, you cast your gaze up to see a skeleton monster standing behind the counter, now glossy with polish. His face is tough to make out with the blurriness, yet you can tell he's looking at you. From the way he stands behind the counter and the stuffy look his suit gives off with its pristine and exaggerated formality, you figure he's a new employee. His newbie appearance doesn't erase the warm and welcoming aura most bartenders appear to carry by default, however. Instead, it makes his smile and words more genuine in his approach.

               It takes you a while to respond aside from shaking your head – mind hazy and disoriented. You thank him and sweep the water bottle off the counter, then turn the lid open, breathe in deep, and take a series of long, greedy gulps. Finally, you set it back down, more than half of it already gone.

               One more screw up, and you were out of your job at the law department for good.

               It doesn't help that you're currently hanging out at a place strictly and utterly forbidden by your boss: a hole-in-the-wall bar and grill establishment open to all, kept family-friendly during the day and becoming more daring during the night. It has been long since you ever drank alcohol of any sort, and it's beginning to show. You can hardly sit without tumbling pitifully to the side.

               “hey.”

               You're snapped back toward reality through the feeling of someone resting their arms over the counter, facing you and waiting for your return. 

               You frown and look up from the water bottle to see the same skeleton – his previous stuffy appearance appearing more natural now that he's taken off his tie and left two of the shirt's buttons unfastened.

               "i’m no expert on humans, but you look like you could use someone to talk to."

               You feel hazy again.

               And whether due to the drinks or the heat, you're not too certain of.

               But – right now – you're positive about one thing. 

               “U- Um…”

               As you wipe a tear off your cheek and burst out half a sob and half a laugh, you realize you really could use someone to talk to.

               “Thank you.”

[puck-luck]

I’m not hating on YOU. Just on how slow and rude the characters are being made out to be. Honey should stop being so rude to Trevor, give him some credit for putting up with her attitude. Bea is genuinely for the streets. Again not hating on YOU because I like your writing style plus reading your other works i really like. I get I don’t have to read it if I don’t like it but I’ve waited and gave it time for stuff to start picking up.

I appreciate that you're not hating on me because you enjoy my writing style. That's always nice to hear. I'm glad you've read my stuff and even tried to stick it out for STG.

I want to reply to your concerns, so I typed up a couple of bullet points in my notes app. In a very in-character moment for me, it became lengthy. I'm hiding it under this Read More so that no one has to see it if they don't want to. Tbh, that includes you— and I don't mean that in a mean way, even if it might come off like that. It's hard to convey feeling through words on a page, which brings me to my first point:

1. A lot of Honey's attitude is written as means for banter, since Trevor knows that she doesn't mean it in such a negative way— he's aware that she's deflecting. Maybe I need to make that clearer and now I know, which means I can try and work on that! Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

2. Honey has trauma, which I've started to explain in the story. It's going to be fleshed out more and she WILL work through it, but the girl has some pretty complex PTSD when it comes to relationships. That's the reason why she's so hot and cold with Trevor. She knows what she's feeling, but she's not ready to accept it yet.

3. In Chapter 5, the most recent chapter, Honey admits to Trevor that she's the difficult one. She's well aware that she's having trouble with this new relationship and that manifests in her attitude towards Trevor. He says he doesn't mind (basically) and she just hums BECAUSE it bothers her that she's being hard to deal with, and yet she can't stop herself. Again— it's her complex PTSD.

HERE is a screenshot of my Google doc so you can read the scene itself:

4. Fair. Bea is for the streets. Yet, at the same time, I don't see the real issue behind this: everyone involved is a consenting adult that is fully aware of the situation. Everyone knows that Bea is hooking up with the guys in the house. If the guys didn't want to hook up with her, they wouldn't— like how Luke turns her down in this most recent chapter. She's also a girl in her 20s... I know a lot of girls in college that made goals to sleep with entire exec boards of frats or collect each frat president or, in an extreme case, a girl that wanted to hook up with every brother in our pledge class, the pledge class above us, and the pledge class below us. If the girl wants to be a slut, then she can be a slut. & that's how I'm writing her. More power to her. Things might even change for Bea over time, like how real relationships go...

5. As for the slowness: I know that my chapters have gotten super long. I keep getting carried away and writing more than I mean to. It's because I like this project and the characters I've created. BUT, each section is a day. Each chapter is a week. Honey and Trevor have known each other for just over a month and I PERSONALLY am not the kind to hook up with a guy I've just met. Yes, at times it seems long and I know that it drags at times because I can feel it dragging while I write— but I am trying to make this as realistic and detailed as possible. Between the whipped cream scene and the blowjob scene, 10 days passed. That's SUCH a short amount of time, especially since the pair didn't see each other as much that week. Honey works, Trevor trains, and a lot of that is off screen because I think it's boring to write when this is a ROMANCE.

6. If I had an editor, they could probably help me cut this shit down and make it drag less. I DON'T have an editor though and this is a very detailed rough draft of a story that would probably change a LOT before publishing IF I WERE TO GET IT PUBLISHED.

7. I apologize that you have waited and hoped for quicker advancement in Honey and Trevor's story. To me, it's not a fast story. It's going to pick up... on my outline I have Trevor and Honey hooking up 3 times next week. You're welcome to hang in there for that if you want to. It's up to you.

And finally... I apologize that my explanation was so long. And probably slow. I just want to be thorough with your concerns. If you choose not to read anymore of STG, then good for you. I'll still be churning out oneshots when I can and I hope you like those more.

I really do appreciate the feedback. I hope this response didn't seem rude because I'm not trying to be. It's also 2:30am for me so I really should go to bed before I ACTUALLY get my feelings hurt or start lashing out... which I've been known to do when tired. So. Goodnight Anon. Thanks for not hating on ME and I hope my explanations were good enough for you.

[jtl-fics]

Hey, no need to respond to this, truly, but I just had to say something. Feel free to ignore and I won’t bother you about this again, but it makes me uncomfortable how you portray Riko as this traumatized kid who just needs love&attention in your writing when he is canonically an abuser. He nearly beat Jean to death and ordered other Ravens to rape him. He broke Kevin’s hand and tried to emotionally abuse him into returning to him. He helped Drake cross state borders while he was being investigated for child sexual assault and pointed him at Andrew. He paid Proust to assault Andrew. He tied Neil to a bed and tortured him. He killed Seth. Yes, his backstory is tragic but he is an abuser. And it’s uncomfortable reading about how his victims should feel sorry for him bc now they’re older and more mature and Riko “was a kid”. I recognize you have the right to write what you want, I just wanted to tell you how it reads. I’m not trying to be mean or harass you & I won’t send anything else other than this. And do not post this to the public if you don’t want to! Seriously, I’m not trying to be mean or hurt your feelings, you’re a great writer and I don’t believe you meant anything malicious or were trying to communicate what I took from how you wrote Riko, just that that’s how it comes off.

Hey, I am going to respond to this just because I want to be clear that I am writing Riko very very aware of the fact that he has done things in the books that make me really dislike / hate him as a person. Still, as a character there are things I want to explore with him y’know?

Especially from people who he really has no power over at this point. Especially from people who he did use to have power over at one point.

Some of this might be coming across a certain way just due to the fact that I had some ideas earlier on in the writing of these that I've discard. Such is the nature of a WIP. The other part is that a lot of the snippets are missing broader context. Such is the nature of a Snippet.

Either way you're fine to be uncomfortable with that and to not like how I'm writing it but I do just want to cover generally how I'm approaching Riko in the 2 AUs I'm really treating him differently than canon.

In the Math Nerd AU I want to explore a Neil who is a lot older and who still, honestly, hates Riko. He hates him and would love to watch him sink into the pits of hell once again.... but he's also a Neil who has grown a lot since he was 18-19 and dealing with Riko the first time around. He's a Neil who not only benefited from but now truly and absolutely believes in the power of giving someone a chance. Wymack has had that level of influence on his thinking.

He was a Captain and stayed close with the Foxes and Wymack over the years. He has seen all of the kids that Wymack gave 2nd chances to.

Some of them deserved that second chance and they utilize it.

Some of them deserved that second chance and failed to utilize it.

Some of them didn't deserve those second chances and did utilize it.

Some of them didn't deserve that second chance and proved that they didn't deserve it.

Wymack still offered it to all of them and he didn't always like those kids but Wymack still did his best to help them. Neil thinks Wymack died with his only regret being that he didn't have a chance to drink the pricey bourbon they'd gotten him and that he wouldn't get to call Kevin after his games.

Neil WANTS / NEEDS / CRAVES that peace of mind for reasons I'm not going to touch on here because it doesn't involve Riko.

I have decided on a few things that are different from the initial description, such is the nature of a WIP.

Its not quite clear in the snippets because hey they’re snippets and not the full story and honestly I’ve avoided doing these snippets from Neil’s POV. All Neil is doing right now? He’s offering Riko a chance and that's it.

What Riko does with that chance I haven’t touched on at all. Neil is offering a Riko an opportunity to stop before he sinks his own ship and Neil won't even toss a life preserver because watching him drown was immensely personally satisfying to Neil last time. What he wants is the certainty that there was no redeeming Riko, that there was no excuse, and that he's totally normal for thinking about how Riko looked the night he died with warmth. If Riko proves him wrong? If all Riko really did need was someone he had no power over to treat him like a person and not a commodity?

It'd be the ultimate proof that anyone can benefit from a second chance, that Wymack was always right to offer it. He'd be okay with that too.

I also want to explore what Neil can gain by delaying the satisfaction he got the first time around by outright telling Riko to just fuck off. How playing it a bit nicer / smarter with Riko means that the Foxes are safer and also gives him the opportunity to protect other people he has had a hand in saving. Andrew was the first person that Neil saved when he went back in time, but he wasn't the last. Neil also wasn't always successful in saving some people despite his foreknowledge.

Again, nature of the WIP and nature of the Snippet were not everything is here since I sure as hell am not writing this in order with the snippets but I am going to touch on it in a WIP Wednesday ask pretty soon, probably once I finish this beast / make myself dinner.

For New Kings it's a lot easier since mostly I'm treating Riko as a joke. Someone who wants to be a threat, who remembers being terrifying to these Foxes. Except now he...just kind of isn't. He has no power over any of them. Like Nicky said, he's seen home loans scarier than Riko is at this point.

It really is them just seeing someone they remember being so huge and threatening and scary and…..its just this sad sack 20 something playing at being God because he’s good at a sport. Honestly, in comparison to what some of them got up to later? He's not even that good.

They won’t take him seriously because why the fuck should they? That would just feed into his already insane ego. In my experience there’s nothing that upsets an abuser more than his once victims just won’t give him any power over them. (Again its the nature of the snippet in that its not the full picture and I haven’t even covered Riko’s reaction to the Fox’s dismissal of him as a threat in all its unhinged glory nor Renee's grand theft Moreau.)

STILL, if that isn’t something you want to read then please just add the tags #Math Nerd AU and #New Kings AU or ME (jtl-fics & justthislazy) to a block list. I'm religious about tagging so if you still want to read other stuff then just blacklisting those tags will keep you safe.

I can add Riko Moriyama as a tag on the parts that involve / mention him if you still want to read the snippets that don't include him.

I’m not out here to make someone uncomfortable but I do want to explore these things in my writing. It might change the further I go but it might not so please proceed at your comfort level.

Thank you for writing to me with your concern and I’m more than happy to accommodate with tags if you wanna message me.

Still, like you said, I'm going to write what I want.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

WOOHOO HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️(loving these snippets with protective/possessive eddie! He’s defending his own!!)

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨(that last chapter was phenomenal and im loving the pining and tension!)

🌊🌊🌊🌊(finding each other in every universe!)

🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮(another cal story with inexplicable yet character developing magic? With bobby in the mix this time? Sign me up!)

Please accept compliments in exchange for the high writing demands I place on you - You’re wonderful! So talented! Your work brings me such joy! Thanks for sharing!

HI!!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS YOU ARE SO LOVELY ANON!

27 for ⚡️ (Hehehehe yes Eddie fight my battles for me plz):

---

“You’re a father,” Phillip tries. “You can sympathize with your child cutting you off without cause. It’s a horrible feeling!”

“Don’t bring my son into this,” Eddie warns. “And I take issue with without cause.” 

“Eddie?” Buck’s voice calls out across the backyard. “What’s going on?”

Fuck. 

Eddie turns to see Buck striding across the yard to where the three of them are… Well, arguing isn’t the right word. But talking is also incorrect. 

“Evan,” Margaret turns to her son. “We were just getting to know Eddie a bit better.”

Eddie makes a face that expresses how blatantly untrue this claim is.

Buck narrows his eyes. He stops a few feet short of the three of them.

“I told Maddie I wouldn’t cause any problems,” Buck says. “Please don’t make a liar out of me at her wedding.”

“We’re just trying to open a dialogue,” Phillip says. 

Eddie finds it interesting how little they wanted him when he was willing to try. How bothered they are now. Now that it’s a big social event with lots of people to see how their child ignores them. This is pride, more than anything. Eddie knows about parents and pride. 

Buck sighs. “If I give you ten minutes, will you leave us be for the remainder of the wedding?”

---

15 for 🚨(THANK YOU!):

---

As he leaves the bedroom, he bumps into Eddie, who had evidently been coming to knock. Buck feels a pang of embarrassment.

“Uh, hey, good morning,” he stammers. “How are you? Feeling okay?”

Eddie nods. He looks worn down still. Like the weight of last night is still resting on him. Buck is afraid for him. Nearly dying takes a toll. No matter what you do, it takes a toll. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Eddie says. “I saw that you replied to Liliana. Are you still good to pick him up? I have an appointment at eleven thirty.”

---

12 for 🌊(hell yeah they do!):

---

They don’t get a lot of warning about the impending storm. Enough, though, that Shannon is able to come get Chris and bring him to her apartment until the worst of it is over. Schools will be closed anyway. Despite Shannon’s insistence that Eddie is welcome and encouraged to stay with her, too, he doesn’t go. The city will be needing its paramedics.

And besides, Buck is a lot closer to the water than him. Someone has to be here looking out for him, too. 

Even if he won’t answer Eddie’s calls or texts. 

Eddie has tried. In the week since Buck ran out of his house, Eddie has tried. It took him twelve hours to realize how idiotic he’d been in letting him leave. Another twelve to reach out.

---

12 for 🔮(ahhh yay thank you! I'm glad you're excited!)

---

“I know Gerrard isn’t easy to work under,” Bobby says.

“Do you?” Buck asks, mirth in his tone. 

“I know what Hen and Chim told me about before,” Bobby amends. If he’s reading Buck’s tone correctly, then he’s right. Bobby doesn’t know. “And I know a little of what Eddie and Chim have shared with me now.”

Buck scowls. “Hen should be captain. You should be Captain, but if not you, then Hen.”

Bobby’s face falls. He’s acutely aware of how he failed Hen in this.

[thirstyforred]

you knew i'm gonna ask about it

posession, this bit: "And Roderick gets it, in some weird way, it makes a lot of sense. While Adda asked if she could leave her mark on Roderick's skin, Jacques just didn't bother with consent and did it. But on a soul. Or mind. Or whatever - the space between the eyes, so if someone were to open Roderick's skull all they would find would be Jacques' name in bold letters. Multiple times, repeating itself in strings, coiling and spiraling together, chaotic and impossible to read and convey its meaning, but in the end, all spelling the same name. Over and over."

rastodi is the star but i swear the jacques part is what got me

the ask game

oooo, thank you Elis 🥰 and damn, I love this moment as well.

The whole story is about these contrasts, how these people treat Roderick, how far he lets them go, and that second sentence really spells it out. Adda asked, but Jacques didn't bother. (And in the later part we have Pastodi, who is in a position where he can't claim ownership of Rod, yet, but can start asking about different things)

Jacques is also such a weirdo, because despite having so much influence over Rod, leaving this metaphorical scar on his mind, being the most impactful, he's also the least interested. For Jacques leaving such a mark on Rod is an afterthought, something obvious, natural outcome of their relationship. That's also why in one other story, after leaving the burn mark on Rod, he immediately takes it back. Scarring Roderick just doesn't seem that effective, good.

And of course there's the Spiral. I love the Spiral, I think everyone should get into the Spiral. Yes, it's just one throwaway line in a book, but it's still such a fascinating aspect of the world. And it fits with Jacques, meshes with him so well, so every time I write him I need to bring a spiral motive as well.

Writing name of your loved one can be sweet, the loved one writing it on your can be as well. But then there's this horror-like image of unhinged writing, all over the walls, claims of possession, that you can't read. Roderick doesn't know Jacques real/childhood name. Jacques is for a second this devil or eldritch monster with absolute and horrible power, who can't be stopped, because you don't know its true name.

And going back to the beginning of this except, which is just amazingly chosen 💕, the worst part of all of this, is the fact that Roderick is aware how fucked he is. Yes, he's an idiot and buffon, and all the other things, but the situation is so much worse considering he understands it. Maybe even better than Adda and Pastodi, Rod knows what they do to him. He cannot be smarter than Jacques, but he understands that as well. And yet, despite all of that, Roderick himself says that in some ways he loves them and wouldn't leave. And that's just stupid and tragic.

[nytehavyn-circle]

A few OOC things people should be aware of with me. Some good, some bad, some that explain stuff, etc...

I have a very bad memory. I have PTSD, severe social/generalized anxiety, bipolar depression with psychosis (meaning I have hallucinations; mine are not bad and not even invasive... I see bugs around my peripheral vision a lot, but I know they're not really there), and I'm on two mood stabilizers/antidepressants, Xanax for my anxiety. and a medication that helps reduce my PTSD nightmares. Not to mention the fact that last September, I spent about 2-3 weeks in a small coma thanks to pneumonia that put me on a ventilator.

All of these things together have left my memory shoddy, full of holes, swiss cheesed, and given me brain fog. There's a lot of shit I remember, but a lot of shit I don't.

This includes RP. Some threads from a while back I remember what happened, some I've completely forgotten, some ships I remember, and others don't ring a bell...

So, where that's concerned, if I ask you about a plot, or something about what's happening, any of that, and it's something I should remember because it's happened before, please don't be upset. Gently remind me and if I still don't remember, we can always do it again.

Where I am concerned OOC...

I have a very strong personality. For a very long time, I pushed myself, my spirit, down to accommodate other people in the RPC, and walked on eggshells so as to hopefully not offend or upset anybody.

That's stops.

Now, while I still don't want to offend anyone, and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, chances are that's it's going to happen. As stated before, I have a very strong personality, and I'm tired of pretending to be meek. I will probably say and do things OOC that will offend and upset, and I will probably do things in RP that offend and upset...

I can get very sexual on the dash and such OOC - there are days I am hypersexual, and there are days that I have no interest in it AT ALL - which is due to my meds. I get very friendly OOC in messages - I will bother you a lot, even if you don't message me back for a while, I'll still bug your IMs a lot, just because that's how I am. I don't do it expecting you to message me back instantly, I do it because I just do. You can read/respond to the messages as you see fit. I will flail/rave/yell about our muses, our threads, and our ships an awful lot. I will also lovebomb you because that's how I am. I like to let my mutuals know I care, I like to make friends, etc. That's who I am, and I can't apologize for being me. Sometimes I can try to curb it, but that won't happen often. And whether it's OOC or IC, I will TRY to remember to tag the threads.TRY! There's no guarantee I will, because, as I said, my mind is in an almost constant brain fog.

I will definitely lose followers for this because it happens every day. However, this is me asking you to PLEASE let me know SOMETHING about why you want to unfollow/block me to last least give me a chance to apologize and correct the offending behavior.

Yes, yes, I know you "don't owe anyone anything." This has given way, given permission, for people in the RPC to treat their mutuals like garbage, like shit, and toss them aside whenever they see fit, no matter how long they've been RP partners, and no matter if they're actively RPing and threading. It's cowardly to do this.

Yes, you curate your own online experience but give your mutuals a chance to explain themselves. The unfortunate thing is that people on here seem to think if someone does something inappropriate OOC, or other muses do something inappropriate IC, then that person is s horrible person regardless and must be blocked. This is a cowardly way when you can't even tell your mutual, "Look, this made me uncomfortable," and give them a chance to apologize and possibly curb their behavior - because I can promise, 8 times out of 10, they might not even realize they're doing something wrong.

No one in the RPC here wants to communicate and it makes RPing difficult. And it makes it difficult if you refuse to even chat OOC to your RP partners. No wonder a lot of new RPers here don't want to reach out, and it's starting to happen even with veteran RPers here where they've just stopped reaching out because they're tired of the bullshit.

I - and I know of a few others - who have difficulty RPing with someone they never talk to OOC. Most likely, if we don't chat OOC, I will probably end up dropping our thread(s) and letting you know.

It's gotten to the point where RPers don't even want to TRY to have respect for even their RP Partners. People on here love to go on and on about respect, but no one ever wants to give it.

This really has to stop and change for the better. WE need to be better, as a whole.

To wit: I am 48 years of age. And a lot of muns in the RPC are significantly younger. I will not be offended if someone comes to me and tells me my age bothers them and they feel uncomfortable RPing with me. If this does apply to you, please come tell me. I can't change it, but I can at least understand why you're unfollowing and wish you well. But this is also why I prefer to RP with anyone under 21.

Also, as I've stated in another post... if you don't like what one of my muses does in an RP, come to me, talk to me, and we'll see if there's a compromise - we can even try new muses. I have quite a few, with more being added all the time. Don't come to me blaming me and yelling at me for what my muse does IC.

I refuse to nerf my muses for any reason, UNLESS it needs to be done as a plot point, to fit the story. I will not diminish their abilities, and I will not turn my jerk muses into suddenly decent people unless it's part of a whole character arc. I won't turn my powerful muses into weak kittens just to satisfy another RPer's desire or because they don't like RPing with strong muses. I don't expect ANYONE to nerf their muses for me, I don't want anyone to expect it from me.

Mun =/= muse, and muse =/= mun. Now, a lot of beliefs and thoughts overlap OOC, but this does not mean we condone the behavior or most of the behavior and thoughts of our muses. If you've been in the RPC long enough, you'll come to realize that the muses have developed a mind of their own and will do WTF-ever they want. lol

I didn't make this post to upset or offend, I made this post for understanding and explanation. I am not going to speak for everyone, but I do know there are a handful who agree with me on what I've stated above.

Please, just communicate. Talk to each other. Talk OOC, and make friends. Make a found family. Stop ignoring each other.

[itsjaywalkers]

Hello Laurie! How are you? How are your holidays going?

I'm the same person who messaged you 2/3 months ago about the fic that I was writing and being scared to post it because it's not my native language. I was wondering how your writing goes, like how do you edit? What do you struggle with the most? I know you said it's not your native language either, and I just wanted to know what slows you down the most? Because for me personally it's grammar, structure of the sentences and its punctionation. I always wonder if my commas are in the right place and if I used right marks, obviously the placement of it differs in every language. And do you have any tips for me? ANYWAYS i'm so sorry this is such a long question bahahhaha, also I've read your new Bartylily fic and I love it. I'm on my knees for them, can't wait to see what you got in store for them. Hihi have a good day! <3

hi darling!! i'm okay, doing some writing!! and my holiday is going great <3 i've been at the beach all week, swimming and reading and eating delicious food. i missed my parents and my sisters like crazy, so it's been very fun to get to spend so much time with them <333

oh, yes!! i remember you!! i hope that fic is going well, and that you'll decide to post it someday. i feel like i already told u this, but i'm sure it's lovely, and if deep down u wanna share it, u should be able to do so, fear be damned (im aware it's not that easy but . u get what i mean)

and my editing process is . very boring and very long . i usually just write the whole chapter out, exactly how i have it planned in my mind, without stopping to check for mistakes, or letting myself get distracted by . a paragraph or a line i don't like, all that can be fixed during the actual editing. once it's done, i try to give it a day?? to let it breathe a lil. and then i reread it all!! i go scene by scene, and sometimes it means just fixing the grammar of some sentences and deleting a random line here and there, and other times it means deleting a whole conversation, or rewriting an entire scene bc it's not working how it's supposed to. editing can take me from a couple of hours to actual days, so it's not a process i really enjoy </3 writing can be a pain, but it's when i get to be messier and have fun and not worry about the end result. editing means polishing and rereading until you grow sick of the story. it's necessary but it's not my fav part of the process, that's for sure

i don't think i'm that bothered by grammar, but it's mostly bc this is just fanfiction and i kinda just . have fun with the language?? sometimes i'm aware i'm not structuring a sentence the Proper way but it looks more beautiful my way, and it sounds nicer, so why would i change it?? not a single one of my uni profs is gonna be reading it anyway. but as someone who isn't an english native speaker either, i totally get u, bc i used to be very insecure about this, and i still am a bit sometimes. i had this fear that ppl were gonna be able to tell english isnt my first language at a first glance. but so what if they do?? theres nothing wrong with that, and bc im bilingual, i speak and write in english in a manner native speakers cant replicate, bc i see and understand their language differently. and i think thats lovely!!!

the thing i struggle the most with is descriptions?? i feel like im not detailed or accurate enough, and like i lack a lot of vocabulary. i do my best to fix it during editing but it never quite works i fear.. i also write ridiculously long sentences, bc i use way too many commas when i should be using periods. and i think that my dialogues are pretty good, but at the same time im always . concerned about characters sounding real enough yk?? since, again, english isn't my first language

and i don't know about tips darling. i keep saying this, but i feel like i'm not the best person to ask about this At All, bc i'm not that knowledgeable, or talented, or skillful. i can tell you to remember that at the end of the day this is fanfiction, and we're supposed to be having fun and being self-indulgent. try not to worry so much about grammar and proper sentence structure or putting commas in the right place. bend the language until it sounds pretty enough for you and a sentence rolls off the tongue the right way. who cares if it's not Correct or Proper. it's not meant to!!! also, don't edit right away, let the story or the chapter breathe for a bit, otherwise you're gonna hate the whole thing and believe it's a Mess. it's usually not!! you just need a break and to put some healthy distance so u can edit more honestly, less unbiased

don't apologise!! my answer was even longer SIGH i hope some of this was at least a little helpful <3 and thank u so much!! more ppl than i thought are reading and enjoying the bartylily fic, and it fills me with joy <3 next ch is coming VERY soon and i can't wait

wishing u the best and sending u all my love MWAH <333

[misscrawfords]

12, 16, 38

12. Tell one book story or memory (what you were wearing when you were reading something, someone saw you cry in public, you threw a book across the room and broke a window, etc.)

Already answered, but here's another one. Well, I've been just thinking and I have lots of memories associated with particular books and moments but a lot feel poignant or sad in some way now, so for a simple but happy one - I remember reading Persuasion for the first time as a teenager in the back garden. I'd got my dad to leave a corner of the lawn unmown so I could live out my fantasies of lying in long grass reading books and I remember doing just that the first time I read Persuasion.

16. Rant about anything book related

I'm gonna weigh in on Ali Hazelwood. I'm not actually a big romance reader - I tend to get my fix from fanfic; I'm often disappointed by actual published romance novels. But I really like Hazelwood's books. She's totally derivative and has in many ways written the same book three times over which is starting to bother me but I like several things about her books: 1) the focus on academia and nerd loving characters - I'm not in STEM myself but I respect her commitment to some level of reality of what that world is like and that her characters (whatever else they may be) are academically intelligent and inhabit a world that feels quite familiar to me. 2) her heroines are often successful human beings (debatable) but with little romantic experience not because they're blushing virgins saving themselves for marriage but because they're just doing other things, Olive especially is pretty clearly demisexual- this is unusual rep and I love it and find it relatable. I find romance novel heroines really unrelatable because they are either pure and Christian (or Christian coded) or highly sexual. Yes, I know, I probably need to read different books but I do struggle to find ones where the subject matter and writing style both appeal. 3) They're easy to read - I don't mean that in a bad way - they're both easy page-turners AND I don't keep stopping because the writing irritates me and jarrs.

Why do I care enough to write about her specifically in this rant? Well, she's a published Reylo author and people who hate the fact that Reylo fanfic authors are currently doing very well in publishing and on booktok go out of the way to sneer and hate her specifically. I'm not trying to make out that her writing is greater or more profound than she is but I think it is so small-minded to resent someone's success because they have managed to capitalise on their writing talent and made the move from fanfic to traditional publishing, just because you don't like a ship. As people in fandom, we should be cheering her on and her fellow newly published and popular authors, no matter our feelings on Reylo.

(Not even going to weigh in on booktok. I have no idea; I don't have tiktok and I don't want to get it. If people are reading and sharing thoughts on books then that has to be good at least to some extent.)

38. What qualities do you find annoying in a character?

Prooooooobably similar to what I find annoying IRL: being completely self-obsessed and lacking self-awareness. At least IRL such people can't help it but I guess in fiction, it's particularly annoying if the author is also unaware of it. Obviously a self-obsessed character who lacks self-awareness can be a wonderful (comic?) character in the hands of a self-aware author, but I mean those protagonists that are meant to be relatable and sympathetic to the reader but the author doesn't realise they're actually a boring, narcissistic turd. So I guess ultimately what I find annoying is a character created by an author who doesn't fully interrogate the character and understand their flaws and then either have them work on those flaws or, in line with the tone of the novel, fail to work on the flaws.

[endobiologist]

How is hormone therapy going? I've considered it myself but I'm nervous about it. Can you tell me a little about what its like? :)

Ah, thank you so much for asking!! I appreciate it!!

Well, the experience is really quite vastly different for every person on HRT.

For me, it was one of the best choices I have ever made in my life. I was hopelessly and horribly dysphoric for my whole life to the point of nearly not being able to function (dysphoria coupled with severe mental illnesses is for sure A Bad Time) and I was lucky enough to be able to get on it fairly early, thank God because I probably would not have lasted longer-apologies for that dark subject but it is necessary to mention for how much it turned my life around entirely.

I am still not fully transitioned to my liking per sé, as the full range of Testosterone's complete effects is a maximum of 5 years according to my research. I have been on it for nearly 2 years now. I plan to be on it for the rest of my life if possible, as I'd like all effects to stay forever-- I fucking ADORE every second of it, honestly I'm not afraid of needles either like most are so I literally get ecstatic & excited every time it's time to inject LOL!! Probably a weird reaction but--it legit makes me wanna throw a party every time those 2 weeks pass & it is time to.

(Not all forms of HRT have to be injected however, though it is the "strongest, most evenly distributed form" especially if done every 2 weeks instead of every 1 week,

as my doctor described it, which made me choose it--and coupled w my lack of giving a shit about injecting lmaoo)

I have had a lot of effects, I am also finally growing actual facial hair which is nice-though I learned I prefer my face clean-shaven or at least mostly, which is a hilarious twist tbh as I thought I'd want a full beard. I'm cool with both but I definitely prefer how I look without, so I shave every now & then currently.

My body looks entirely different, at least my shoulders and arms HELLA, I've had strong asf cis men say I'm built better than them which gives me giggle-fits of pridefulness LMAO--im petty ig--

but anyway to get to the true point--I would not be where I am today or perhaps here at all, myself, if I didn't go on it and exactly when I did. I am so extremely grateful for it occurring and that I have access to it at all--I am honestly hardly feeling dysphoria except on Really Bad days when it still hits me. Even things I should be dysphoric about and was in the past, idgaf about now. My chest barely bothers me now, and used to be my personal Hell. I have even decided to not do top surgery in the future which is... really bizarre as I was DESPERATE for it before (however this most-dysphoria-removal effect seems to be rare, so don't expect it to "cure" dysphoria, it didn't for me either but I'd say reduced it by like 90% or something lol. But most don't have that strong of a reaction)

My advice for you and every trans person on the fence about it, would be do a CRAP TON of research, on its every effect, type, etc. and talk to or read about/etc. as many people you can find who can give their opinions on their own experiences-as everyone has a different story!

If it is a "HELL YES" after that, then definitely go through with it. If there is still doubt, I'd wait. There is no rush as you can always decide to begin in the future

Know though, that if you do start it, but wish to stop later,

in some ways there's a "reset button",

but in some ways there is not.

Some effects will reverse if you stop taking T, like the fat & muscle redistribution, etc.

however some will stay, for example any body or facial hair that develops will then grow forever as the follicle is "activated" (male hair is a different subtype of hair, so once it's made it can't be reversed) and etc.

Be aware of which effects do this, and just in general, get as much information you can gather.

This info-gathering also has the added bonus, of impressing TF out of your endocrinologist if you do happen to choose to go the route of beginning taking it--

During the consultation, they'll ask if you know about it well, and for me, I began on a spiel of the things I knew & how much I researched because I was so excited to begin and how much it would help me.

By my Dr's reaction she was blown away by my very informed decision, that I had thought about it VERY hard, & I think that is what assisted me greatly in acquiring the prescription for it so fast.

Basically, if they either know or just think you are going into this without much context or don't seek it passionately, they think you may change your mind and that you're "going through a phase" or that you can't consent due to not enough information that you know on it for such a majour medical decision.

If you come in confident asf that this is what you need, and you're like "Yeah I know this, I got this shit locked down" they know they're dealing with someone who is very damn sure this is the path they need, and thus the doctor doesn't have to worry nor explain more, which speeds everything up.

Overall, I will end this by saying I wish you the utmost good luck, and that whatever path you choose, you feel happy and gender-euphoric!! Thank you for asking my advice & I hope I helped in any way!! 👍👍💜🏳️‍⚧️

(ALSO I SEE UR USERNAME MMMMMNN YES, SOMEONE WITH QUALITY TASTE IN CHARACTERS--LMAOOO SRRY IM A SHAMELESS WILLIAM FANATIC, I GOTTA MENTION THAT

UR USERNAME MADE ME LEGIT SMILE-- HAHDJGNGJGJGJG)

[tiredassmage]

Hear, see, and speak no evil (the monkey emojis lol) from the OC ask game?

Tyr gave me such a FIT over these, okay? Naturally, I had to bother him to be stubborn, but woof. This was a bit of a heavy one.

I feel like he needs a sticker warning about... veering a bit dangerously close to that self-sacrifice (aside, I read that back in HK's voice and now I'm just. sighs @ myself) is the answer thing, but... he doesn't quite cross that line. He just. Flirts with it. A lot. Without telling anyone else. I don't know, he's just kfnalskdfnlsaf. Keysmashing. It isn't the answer. He theoretically knows this. Theoretically.

This will not stop him from making fucking stupid decisions. Send help. For me or him? Yes.

My poor little glowstick 😔 smth smth his arresting looks and layered identity crises have captivated me, etc etc

Hear-no-evil: What is the worst thing your oc could hear from someone?

It was all a lie and you are alone.

This was the trickiest one, honestly. Tyr takes a lot not exactly on the chin, but... He’s good at… pretending he’s fine, really. He conceals. He swallows. Because it’s part of how you could survive living with the Sith watching your every move. Tyr says one of his worst fears is to lose the few people he cares about - and, to an extent, it is.

But he also spent a while without being able to fully, genuinely rely on others. He’ll fight ‘til he’s worn down to the bone to protect those people, but the inner, ‘uglier’ (I’m stumbling to find a better word) realist in him recognizes its always a possibility. Forever’s not a guarantee. Especially when your husband’s also a spy.

“We’ll take everything from you” isn’t an unfamiliar threat. Hunter made it and made all but complete good on it. I think they succeeded a bit more than Tyr will ever want to admit; the interlude period between Chapter 3 and… even as late as Shadow of Revan? Tyr doesn’t trust almost anyone. It’s hard to completely trust even someone like Vector because he did, in a sense, lose everything. It’s not that Vector got any less trustworthy and more that Tyr was painfully aware how thin the ice underneath his feet was and how dark the waves were beneath it. He’d never want to drag anyone else into that.

But a betrayal, an abandonment by the extremely few people he’s tried so hard to let in, whom he’s trusted enough to try to figure himself out in front of? That’d cut him to the core.

It's also probably worth noting that while he doesn't exactly refrain from speaking his mind all the time with Sith, there is always an apprehensive tremor that runs through him about it. Lana may be the only eventual exception because they ultimately finally find ground as equals, but that back of the mind knowledge of being undone with no power to change or stop it never leaves. Acina's scathing Intelligence should have retired you when they had the chance! from Iokath clocks quite high on the list of things that dealt way, way more damage than Tyr has ever talked about or admitted to. That was a sore one on multiple levels and, as John Mulaney says, we just don't have time to unpack all of that.

Is what Tyr maintains about it, anyway. [inhales] Boy.

See-no-evil: What's a side of your oc that they don't want to show to other people?

Alright, okay, you got me, this one was also rather difficult, largely because his “sides” aren’t that well-defined - rather nebulous and shifting like dissipating fog. And it’s different for different people - which, obvious, I suppose, but particularly complicated given how much Tyr walks a tightrope through intrigue and opposition for so long.

Ultimately though, I don’t think he really wants to share just how far he’d be willing to go - the risks and compromises he is willing to put himself through. He doesn’t shy away from this, per se - I have written him practically verbatim telling Malavai Quinn he’d tear the Empire down to the foundations with his bare hands if that’s what it takes (and a 'same scenario, different take' version where he admits basically the same to Vector; one day maybe I'll finish either of them, F). But saying it and enacting it in front of these few souls who care so much for him, have come so far at his side are two drastically different things.

It won’t necessarily be enough to stop him, I don’t think. He still can’t see it, won’t admit it, but Tyr is dreadfully dedicated to his ideals at times. And he’s willing to wade through blood and plasma bolts to get there if he needs to. Ideals they may be, but this world has never been spotlessly idealistic. That makes him no less willing to fight for it though.

He doesn’t even quite acknowledge this as much as he maybe should to himself. Just another part of Cipher Nine, mayhap, that he won’t dare to wake until he’s necessary.

Speak-no-evil: What is something your oc will refuse to remain quiet about?

Haha, maybe all of this was just building to this kanfdlkadnslf!

Alright. Boy’s really keen to talk back to their pretentious Sith overlords about the value of mere “pawns” like himself, no matter that it continues to kind of genuinely startle him probably… until he has to deal with Valkorian on a daily basis and it finally wears the edge off (because that shit’s gotta be exhausting, what energy is left over to worry about the consequences?).

Because while he talks back somewhat often for an operative that’s all too well aware that they’re living and serving on borrowed graces and he wouldn’t change this, necessarily, he still knows a little too consciously that he’s playing with fire. He just… continues to choose to do so. To say it’s because he knows his work is necessary overstates his confidence of his position. He’s really not that confident about it. It’s just… he’s tired? Tired of trying to please while trapped in the constraints of a web. The Dark Council’s already proven they don’t trust his judgement or his loyalties and that’s what gives him a reason to genuinely question those loyalties so far as to actually break them.

The way he sees it is kind of that he’s already been a target. He has just enough of a reputation to turn heads when he speaks up, so he can’t, in whatever good conscious may be left to him, stand by silently. It happens with Lord Razer, it happens on Makeb when he talks the mission over with Darth Marr, and it, in a sense, happens on the Dominator against Darth Jadus. It definitely happens with Lana on Rishi. If there’s a single consistency to Tyr, it’s that he stands by people he cares about even a little - no matter how fucking blind he is to that quality. He’s been around the Empire long enough to know more than enough about what it’s like to be thought of as a means to an end first and anything else - friend, citizen, ally, what have you - second. That’s not acceptable to him. He’s not a spy or a soldier to spread fear and destruction. That is the cursed domain of the Sith. He signed on to look after things - people. And if they’re not doing that, then the system’s gone wrong. That’s supposed to be their jobs, their purpose. And his passion for that will always overrule any apprehensive notion of self-preservation in the face of a loosened Sith lord. Because if he doesn’t stand ground there, who will? How do you change the precedent if you’re not willing to make that change?

So, really, in short... double-edged character traits and Tyr, I guess. x,D He fascinates me. I love him. I pity him. I want him to get better and I'm going to watch him possibly get worse akldnfldsanfsdf. He's got such a Pandora's Box thing going on and idk if any of us are ready for him to actually recognize that, ignorance might genuinely be bliss klfdsalkn; or at least... maybe a little less emotionally damaging. If still potentially incredibly self-destructive. Stars help him.

[tarot-by-e11e]

First of all, I'm so sorry the feedback took this long, but here it is!

Thank you for the reading, I greatly enjoyed the interpretation as well as the depiction of the cards.

For the first card, as you said, I need to find a way to inculcate a routine that helps me destress. It makes sense you say that because I stress about everything; basically, I stress out for more than half of my day. I think exercising might be a good de-stresser as it takes my mind off my worries, so I'll try my best to adjust some timing here and there. I think not caving into peer pressure makes sense in a way, cause I do hide my real self and change my mind when I have people who want things to be the way they want it. I also think you make sense when you say I should know when to give up on a connection, because I keep saying ‘I want to get more disappointed in them till the point I literally give up trying.’ but I do realise now how harmful it is for me and how it's affecting my progress for no good reason. I'm just scared I'll go back to the connection if I don't get thoroughly disappointed.

For the second card, yes, I'm currently stepping out of my comfort zone like joining events, walking inside a room with confidence, letting my hairs down(I mostly used to wear ponytails), dress up, exercise in gyms and stuff. I think that's really helping my confidence in a way and I've also stopped bothering myself with people who want to drag me down! As you interpreted, it makes sense the second card is asking me to leave overthinking in the past, because I do overthink every single thing till the point it affects me. But I'm working on it!

The last card's suggestion is actually very difficult for me, but it again, makes sense why the card asked me to be open to teamwork, and depend on people and be open to friends. I don't like the idea of getting disappointed in a good person so I'm like 'Nah I'll do it on my own'. But I'll try!

Overall, the reading seems to be resonating and accurate!

Hi dear,

Thank you so much for taking the time to giving me a thorough feedback!

I'm really happy that you enjoyed how I interpreted the reading for you~

If you feel like doing exercise as a de-stressor, choose one that lets you quiet your mind and you don't resent that kind of workout.

Oh dear, you don't have to hide yourself dear. I'm glad that this reading opened your eyes to your situation, in just a little bit.

I'm really proud of you. You are self-aware enough that you know you have this need to be completely disappointed due to fear of going back to a connection that you're not fully given up on. The homework in this one is to make sure you know when to walk away that it's not detrimental to your sanity. Only you can decide how far you're willing to tolerate disrespect till you have had enough.

Yehey for stepping out of your comfort zone!! Yess to being unbothered by people who aren't worthy of your time and attention!

Yesss to leaving overthinking behind!!! (We're in the same boat on this one!)

At least you openly admit that it might be a bit of an adjustment to you~ I'm proud of you putting in the effort to making it happen, or atleast be open for it!

As always, I hope the best for you in your next endeavors!!

[deviant-fish]

who are you, why do you have so many bot accounts. Stop bothering us, none of us are a part of ekas.

Luckily the message has got out across all platforms by now. I can totally remove the warning message now.

I don't need to explain who I am to you in particular, since you've already been told on multiple platforms, and via my admin, business and personal email, because you just can't stop finding new ways to stalk me.

But for anyone who is not yet aware of that, who will read this message after you share it, Hello, My name is Akira AKA Deviant Fish, and I am the admin of a group known as The Fish Army.

The Fish Army is a community for people with an affinity for fish, whether they have have a fish persona, they work in marine wildlife preservation, they keep fish as pets, etc.

Within our community we do not approve of people who see fish as primarily a source of meat, which is the reason you were banned, by the way.

It's literally the very first rule, and you broke it in less than the first full sentence you typed, you little troll.

Outside of The Fish Army, there are other online communities people are part of. I assume what you mean by "bots" is other people who have screencaps of the character creator with the character they play as in the Aggregate Fiction MMORPG.

There aren't many games out there where you can play as a variety of fish, and since there's over 1000 species in that game, there's a few fish in there, so I play that game with some friends of mine.

The AF community has something going on right now to do with the vore community.

I took part in a bit of it this year, so this is the first time I've been involved there, I'm a pred by the way.

A few days ago, some visual novel game developers, released a bunch of vore games, around 30 I think, where I was a pred character in it.

Also my character build in AF has become a template there, so people can now play as me or modification of my character design.

It comes with a little story mode about me, like every template has, and people think it's pretty cool.

Since my character has magnetic powers, I also founded a community known as The Order Of The Blue Croissant, which is about how magnetism works as well as a bunch of magnetism memes, and members are encouraged to have their own characters that manipulate magnetic forces in some way, like a superhero thing.

As for my character themselves, they are a non-anthropomorphic silver trout, with human-level intelligence, that has mechanical limbs strapped to their body, and a mask that allows them to breathe water, while they are above the surface.

I have 2 big rivals/friends known as @scandium-sacer-laser , and @yttrium-yiger-microwave , who each run rival groups to The Blue Croissant, however the 3 of us form a group known as Team Beam.

The 3 characters that form Team Beam, my persona, Scandium's and Yttrium's, were modded into Sonic Heroes as a replacement for Team Dark, my persona being a swap of Rouge, Scandium's a swap of Shadow, and Yttrium's a swap of Omega.

I'm not exactly into the Sonic fandom that much, but it seems a lot of people know my persona from the mod.

I'm more active around the superhero scene, mostly Marvel stuff in particular.

Some people recognise me from the Lancaster superhero convention.

I'm the one in the space suit, that has the holographic visor, so it looks like my helmet has a fish in it, instead of my head.

For those that have seen the photos, yes, I really am super short, Asian genes did a number on me.

I have been harassed by members of Eka's Portal in the past, simply because my persona is a fish, and they started spam messaging me, saying that fish should be prey.

I was not even a member of that community, they just followed me around the internet, spamming me on every social media platform.

The Eka's Portal admin was responsible for this, and apparently they went on to harass other members of The Fish Army, as well as other players of AF, using the excuse that the several thousand people, were all the same person somehow, despite the fact they posted photos of themselves, and had hundreds of livestreams, many of which showing multiple people on screen.

You can see why people were quick to suspect you, especially since you seem to be making the same arguments as before all from the same IP address by the way, under the erroneous belief that a VPN can hide your IP from technicians, when in fact VPN's only block it from bots.

You have attacked mine and AF's community, regular as clockwork, every year around this date, without fail, since the year 2015.

Stop being a big child, find some meaning in your life, and find something else to do, that you will enjoy more.

Does that answer your question?

[thissliceofnonsense]

Wow look, more drawings!

Here's Anuli, the main character that would be better off a side character, or not a character at all as far as fae is concerned. Fae doesn't know why fae can't just read other's stories and not have to deal with faer own. Why can't fae just be without messing something up?

Also also, fae is very much in faer head and has the. hardest. time. trying to stay present and aware, leading faer to use storytelling metrics to fill in the gaps and make sense of the world. Fae has been told that fae acts clueless or doesn't care and fae doesn't know how to fix that.

And fae thinks fae might be a fallen fairy - doomed to destroy everything around faer. Anuli is trying to get faer own redemption arc to justify staying alive, but its.... difficult. Fae thinks fae may just have to run away.

Here's the quotes because handwriting is hard to read.

"I can fix my mistake, get you the happy ending I ruined."

"I know I sound delusional, but delusions are how I make sense of the world"

"What do you want me to say?" (Anuli is not that great at keeping conversations that don't somehow get faer in trouble. Fae often has to ask what the other's want faer to say. Otherwise fae will infodump, and that never ends well.)

"No. I'm not upset because of overthinking. My thoughts have crashed. Overthinking is my usual."

"No need to explain yourself. Just tell me the moment that defined your backstory (childhood) and I'll understand."

"The world makes more sense in my head"

"I would like to make the disclaimer that....yes. I am 'that clueless'. It is not an act. " (Fae doesn't know how to act anyways, and fae gets nervous and acts overdramatic anytime fae is nervous, leading to everyone else thinking that Anuli is trying to be lazy or has some ulterior motive. Fae doesn't. Fae is just eternally confused and doesn't want to be a bother.)

"Sometimes I wish I could read this story instead of participating in it."

"If I hurt you, know it was unintentional but should be expected" (Fae makes so many disclaimers about faerself and yet other fairies STILL get upset. Anuli thinks fae may need to find a better strategy)

"I don't know how I messed up. I just know that I became their antagonist"

"Wait! You can't stop now! I DESPISE open-ended stories." (unless it is faer own and fae doesn't have the motivation to finish it.)

"Don't listen to my nonsense, okay?" (Fae likes talking to faerself as if fae were talking to others because it feels nice to sort out faer thoughts but then the others think fae is trying to start a conversation).