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cto10121 · 7 months

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How Romance in Fiction Works

For this Valentine’s Day I dedicate this to all the ��Romeo and Juliet/Twilight/[insert X] isn’t a romance!!1!1” clownery out there, because now I have to contend with the depressing fact that people—and not just illiterate randos, actual bookish people perhaps too used to the Hero’s Journey template—have no clue what romance in fiction (as the main plot) works. And no, it has nothing to do with ~fantasy or ~wish fulfillment or ~everyone is nice and in love and nobody’s mean or cheats ever!!!1!1 It has to do with the goals of a romance. I’ll be focusing largely on literature, but technically this can also apply to TV, movies, and other dramatic mediums.

(Disclaimer: I will not be talking about romance as a genre, either the knight/damsel tradition or the HEA conventions of modern American romance fiction. The former has nothing to do with romantic love and the latter has nothing to do with the art of fiction but what sells, so don’t @me. It should also go without saying that I won’t be talking about romance as a subplot to the main plot. You lot already know too much about that already.)

Romance IRL vs. Fiction

So romance in real life can be literally anything and occur anywhere and at any time. No duh. That is true for *waves hand vaguely* everything in reality. Fiction, however, is a different story. It must, in short, make sense. There is plot, character, tone, as well as your literary techniques and devices. Otherwise the romance will not work or be implausible. So far, the same as most any other fiction.

Where romance differs from most fiction, however, lies in its purpose. I like it to call it The Romance Novel Paradox. To whit: Romance in fiction functions on the premise that the couple cannot be together because of X reasons. As soon as the couple resolve all of their issues and be together fully, that’s when the romantic story is over.

Thus, the task of the romance writer is to prevent the couple from getting together before the point where they absolutely need to be. So in a way, writing a romance…is fundamentally writing an anti-romance.

Sounds crazy and weird and hard? It is. That’s exactly why writing romance is so hard in the first place. You have to juggle these two separate and opposite tensions tugging and tearing at the work. You literally have to do two things at the same time along with all the other things required of writing a romance.

The Goals

So with all this in mind, the goals of the romance is as follows:

That the couple meet and fall in love

That the couple enjoy and even consummate their love

That the couple overcome any obstacles that threaten their relationship

That the couple be successful in being true to their love and the first 3 goals.

The Plot(s)

Romances actually have two kinds of plot. I’ll just call them the Courtship Plot and the Love Story Plot respectfully.

The Courtship Plot essentially deals with the inner conflicts/obstacles that prevent the couple from being in love or falling for each other. This could be as short as a scene or two or as long as a whole book/movie/TV show, depending on the medium and intentions.

Beginning/Set Up: Establishes both the world, its stakes, and/or the romantic couple. Oftentimes, though, a romance does start with a different character(s) entirely who talk about the couple before they appear.

Inciting Incident: This is when the couple first meet. This could range anywhere from love at first sight (instalove) to absolute abhorrence (rivals/enemies to lovers).

Courtship/Investigation: Even if the couple does do instalove, they must first get an understanding of each other’s intentions, the depth of love/attraction, personality, etc. This time also includes Proofs of Love, in which the lovers each provide proof of their love for each other through words, acts of service, etc.

Internal Conflicts/Obstacles: These relate to the couple’s inner conflicts/hangups that prevent them from entering a relationship and what they must do to overcome those. In this type of plot they will mostly be internal but there can be some external obstacles as well.

Separation of the Lovers: Most often because of misunderstandings/internal hangups, but it can also be because of actual external shit beyond their control.

Resolution: These inner conflicts are resolved and the couple can get together properly. Traditionally this is shown through marriage (Cheers, bells, and Hymen the God of Marriage arrives to officiate your wedding. Congrats!). Or simply living together/dating.

This is more or less the plot of a romantic comedy, but this can be the plot of romantic drama as well, especially if those internal conflicts are truly heavy. There may also be some external conflict happening, but it’s usually not as significant as the internal ones.

The Love Plot, or Love Story, is concerned with the the love/relationship of a couple as well. However, it is less focused on the courtship side and more on the external conflicts/obstacles that threaten their love. To whit:

Courtship (Abridged): Some Love Plots may include this, but it is not strictly necessary. If they, it’s mostly in abridged form, quick montage, small flashback, or simply just as Proofs of Love.

Couple Is In Love (Status Quo): Most Love Plots begin with the lovers already together and in love.

External Conflicts/Obstacles: These include anything that prevents the lovers from getting together or keeps them apart. Family doesn’t approve, society doesn’t approve, natural events occur, personal enemies, other love interests, etc. Sometimes the couple has an internal conflict going on, but mostly not for this

Separation of the Lovers: Almost always temporarily and literally, due to above External Conflicts and, on occasion, Internal Conflicts. Very rarely metaphorically.

The Lovers Reunite: Almost always, although some media may skip this part.

Couple Triumphs (Or Not): The couple succeeds in vanquishing all obstacles and they come out stronger than ever, yay! Or they don’t and they die and/or their love dies, oh no! Yes, the latter is definitely an option and actually not an uncommon one with these plots.

The Love Story Plot does have its downside in that it can be harder for the audience to care very much for the couple if they haven’t spent at least some time getting to know them and their love. However, it is preferred traditionally if just because of the dramatic and much-clearer stakes involved. The lovers’ characters are also revealed/developed through adversity, which is always a plus.

So all romances are effectively love stories. However, not all romances are love stories. Most romances tend to have both, mostly in one or two books. In Epic Romance this is stretched to three or four at the most. Beyond four the book/TV show/thing turns from a romance into a full-blown soap opera (coughOutlandercough).

So here are a few examples of romances often classified as such and why they count as romances. I’ll start with two works people most insist are not romances: Romeo and Juliet and Twilight.

Example 1: Romeo and Juliet

Though tons of Internet clowns insist to this day that Romeo and Juliet is not a romance and is a comedy/satire/what have you, it skews closely to the Romance plot as outlined.

Romeo and Juliet:

Courtship Plot: Two families in a patriarchal, violent, and conservative society hate each other (Beginning/Set Up). They meet at a ball and fall in love (Inciting Incident). But of course they are heirs of two feuding families (Obstacle 1). However, Juliet is worried that Romeo is just playing with her (Internal Conflict) while Romeo is worried Juliet might choose to refuse him after all (Internal Conflict). As proof Juliet asks Romeo to arrange for their marriage and Romeo agrees right away (Resolution). Romeo pretends he is over Rosaline with Mercutio and Benvolio and meets with the Nurse to arrange the marriage (Proof of Love). They then get married and renew their commitment to each other (Couple Triumphs).

Love Story: This is the latter half of the play. Tybalt kills Mercutio, so Romeo kills Tybalt and gets banished (Obstacle 2), Juliet forgives him (Proof of Love), they make love (Proof of Love), and say goodbye to each other (Separation of the Lovers). Juliet is then forced to marry Paris by her parents (Obstacle 3) and so with the help of the Friar she fakes her death (Resolution). But Romeo doesn’t get the news in time due to plague (Obstacle 4), and so goes to her tomb and kills himself; Juliet wakes up and does the same (Couple Defeated…Triumphs?).

So obviously Romeo and Juliet is a love story in just plot alone. But is it also a romance? As you can see, they end up dead and do not succeed in having a full relationship.

That said. Romeo and Juliet do succeed in keeping their love for each other true and pure. They do not cheat each other, think about cheating on each other, or decide not to pursue their relationship. And that, I feel, is more important than the fact that they could not be together in life. So yes, I do think theirs is a romance too, and why most people consider it to be one.

Example 2: Twilight

Speaking of another work that gets a lot of hate for no good reason, Twilight! And of course you have the antis insist this isn’t a romance either. Unfortunately for them the plot hews even more closer to the romance plot and even has more of a Courtship Arc. To whit:

Twilight:

Courtship Plot: Bella goes to Forks to please her narcissistic mother and worries about fitting in (Beginning/Set Up). She meets Edward on the first day of her new school (Inciting Incident). Unfortunately Edward wants to eat her (Obstacle 1) and leaves for three days later. They meet again and talk about each other (Courtship). Edward then saves Bella from the van the next day (Obstacle 2). This, however, does not bring them together and they don’t speak for one month until Edward gets jealous of Mike Newton (Obstacle 3). Edward and Bella become tentative friends and Edward takes Bella to the nurse’s office when she gets dizzy smelling blood (Obstacle 4). He insists on driving her home and they talk (Courtship). Bella and Edward spend the weekend apart but still thinking about each other; Bella learns what he is (Courtship). Bella then goes to Port Angeles with friends and Edward rescues her from rapists (Obstacle 4). They then talk (Courtship) and Edward admits he is a vampire. The next day Bella and Edward go public about their situation (Courtship) and they talk at lunch, clarifying their feelings for each other; Edward invites Bella to the meadow on the weekend. Billy Black learns of their relationship and tries to warn Bella (Obstacle 5). Edward and Bella meet in the meadow and confess their love for each other (Courtship). Edward successfully resists his bloodlust all for his love for Bella (Resolution of Obstacle 1).

Love Story: This is basically the latter half of Twilight and the rest of the series. Edward saves Bella from James (Obstacle 1) and the lovers are together again (Lovers Triumph).

New Moon:

Love Story: Bella and Edward are in love (Status Quo), but then Jasper tries to eat her and Edward’s self-loathing and desire for Bella to have a regular human life kicks in (Obstacle 2). Edward lies to Bella and tells her he doesn’t want to be with her and she accepts it (Separation of the Couple). For six months the two are barely functional. Eventually Bella’s need for adrenaline leads her to a friendship with Jacob (Obstacle 3–yes, this counts) and starts to love him despite herself. Laurent arrives and tries to eat Bella (Obstacle 4) and tells her that Victoria is out there trying to hunt her as revenge (Obstacle 5). But then Alice comes and Jacob unintentionally tells Edward that Bella is dead; Edward decides to commit suicide (Obstacle 6). Bella saves Edward from the Volturi (Obstacle 7) and they are reunited (Reunion of the Lovers).

Eclipse:

Love Story: Bella and Edward are in love (Status Quo), but Bella wants to keep her friendship with Jacob (Obstacle 3). Jacob is also opposed to Bella being with Edward for both ethical and personal reasons (Obstacle 3 again). Victoria is still hunting Bella but now she is making a whole new army (Obstacle 5 again). Bella realizes she loves Jacob in a potential-love-interest-way (Obstacle 3) but still chooses Edward (Resolution). The lovers decide to get marries (Couple Triumphs).

Breaking Dawn:

Bella and Edward get married (Status Quo). Bella and Edward make love, leaving Bella happy but bruised, which pains Edward so much he refuses to make love to her again (Obstacle 1). Bella seduces him successfully (Resolution) but then falls pregnant (Obstacle 2). The pregnancy is high risk, causing dissension between the two (Obstacle 3) but Bella convinces Edward to go along with her plan (Resolution). Bella delivers her baby and turns into a vampire (Resolution). She learns the ropes of vampirism (Obstacle 4) and harbors no romantic feelings for Jacob anymore; Jacob imprinted on Renesmee so he has no more love for Bella (Resolution). Irina finds out about Renesmee and think she is an immortal child, and tells the Volturi (Obstacle 5). This leads the Cullens to call their friends and prepare for any eventuality, and Bella learns to use her power (Obstacle 6). The Volturi come and try various excuses to execute the Cullens (Obstacle 7) but they are able to defend themselves aptly. The Volturi leave and Bella and Edward can finally be together with their little family (Couple Triumphs).

As you can see, a lot of Twilight's Obstacles double as Proofs of Love what with Edward and Bella saving each other constantly. That is perfectly acceptable and in fact a very common doubling in romance.

What Is Not A Romance?

Romances do have to have some provisos, a couple of quid pro quos. Again, though, there are some exceptions and writers can and will break the rules successfully.

They must be requited. Unrequited love on either side does not a main romance plot make. Unrequited love is mostly a romance subplot if that or as part of a love triangle.

They cannot be abusive (to each other). The lovers of a romance do not have to be good people at all. In fact, they (yes, it has to be both) can be bad or villainous…to other people. That said, their love must be actually mutual and good for each other, even redemptive. A couple who is bad for the world and each other defeats the point of a romance. Mutual enmity does not count (see: Enemies to Lovers).

Their love must be main plot. If the couple is not the focus of the plot, then it’s not a romance but a romance subplot. Subplots can be as complete or incomplete as they like, developed or underdeveloped, but they are subplots for a reason.

Can a romance focus on a beta couple as well? Generally no. In American romance novels, authors do set up the couple for the next installment, but that is not quite the same as page time and development. Romances focus on one couple at a time—once that couple’s love story is done, writers can move on to another couple’s romance. Stories that have more than one couple tend to be something else entirely.

What about second chance romance? Second chance romance is essentially the same as the Courtship Plot, since the work very rarely talks about the lovers’ relationship before they separated. So in plotwise it’s basically just like meeting each other for the first time.

What about love triangles? Unless Character C is framed as an obstacle in the overarching narrative, then love triangles do not really count; they are more for coming-of-age or slice-of-life fodder. Polyamorous couples, however, should count in theory if their story has the romance plot. But of course, that is the rarest kind of all.

Keep Calm and Love On

There are some unconventional romances out there, for sure. But they are ultimately rare; the standard romance plot should fit most works accepted as such. As always, romantic tropes and dynamics are neither good or bad—they all largely depend on the the execution.

The only plot that may be confusable with the romance is the marriage plot, which is something different. Marriage Plots are essentially comedies of manners and they may or may not include romantic love or attraction as a major plot element. They are less about the couple’s erotic compatibility and more about their social compatibility. Austen’s works come the readiest to mind; a contemporary example would probably be Crazy Rich Asians. Otherwise Marriage Plots have much of the same beats as a romance.

So if you’re not sure if X is a romance, see how it fits within this plot. Nine times out of ten, you should get your answer.

#romance #fiction #literature #valentine’s day #love stories #i swear i didn’t plan on publishing it this valentine’s day #i was just writing it when i suddenly realized #sometimes the forces of the universe are in my favor #romeo and juliet #twilight #should i have talked about bodice rippers?#those are basically rom coms with actual sex #cristina metas

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folxlorepod · 1 year

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Author's Notes on 'Creature' and 'Home': Trans Love, Bad Queers, and Happy Endings.

By Syd Briscoe CREATURE and HOME were an interesting pair of episodes to write, because they reflect on the same experience in very different ways. Not two sides of a coin, but then we'd be hypocritical if we went for something too binary, wouldn't we?

I started writing from the POV of wanting to give Charlie an ending that he deserved, and my voicing him actually influenced the cross-dimensional premise of the season entirely. As you may have noticed, I was finally (after the better part of a decade on an NHS waiting list) allowed to start taking testosterone while we were planning things out, and my voice changed really quickly. So from a purely practical perspective I started thinking about how punk it was to have a trans VA change sound completely during a story.

Charlie has been a challenge as a writer ever since the pilot episodes, because he's not a capital-letter Good Queer in the way that people often write their queer characters to be. He's angry, he's petty, he's paranoid, he's anxious - the track that always makes me think of him is 'I'm Not A Good Person' by Pat the Bunny, and he'd sing along to every word with a complete lack of irony. He's been through some stuff which he's never unpacked, and he stands for those among us who feel like we missed the boat in life somehow.

That's why it felt important for him to still be like that once he got whammied with the magical transition stick. Because so often in media our narratives end with us transitioning, begin post transition, and/or view it as a magic wand which is at once the root of and solution to all our problems. Charlie is still a horrid little goblin once he's allowed to feel more like himself in his skin - he's still angry, he's still depressed, he's still plagued by memories and bothered by things he can't have. He's also still very much our root-deep link to Glasgow, even as he finally learns to get off the subway.

If Charlie is an expression of how our experiences existing while trans can shape us - for better or worse - then the Creature is a manifestation of all the things we didn't get to be. Particularly the older members of the community, which very much influenced its conception as an ancient being. We didn't get to mould our bodies, we didn't get to exist outside of a hostile society, we didn't get to just be how we are. We didn't get to be the children or the teenagers our cis peers were, we didn't get to have the silly nights out without fear, and we didn't get to be carefree.

The Creature absorbs that, tries to shield the other characters from feeling that, and yet it endures. It isn't a fantasy of wish fulfilment - it isn't a gender fairy creature - but it's how I imagine an ancient being would conceive of the business of gender and queerness in a very different way to how our society does. Namely that it doesn't matter at all in the same way we'd think about it, and they're a bit confused as to why our hostile world would care so much, but the fact that people it cares about have experienced it in the way we do matters very much.

I wanted to have the Creature feel very alien, and then Charlie to come from his extremely bare bones relatable Going Through Some Shit place, and them to find not only love but more importantly purpose together. It often feels like there are so few trans love stories, and when there are they're about Hyper Passing Person No1 finding Cis Person No2, or couples breaking up due to transition, and… fuck that, to put it bluntly. Charlie is a weird person. The Creature isn't a person. If the lads on Grindr don't love you, then that doesn't mean you're unlovable. Weirdos are here, and we have always been here.

My first concept for CREATURE was Charlie helping the Creature change their jewellery. The OG idea was about body mods and the queer community, but given everything happening in the UK, my writing soon became influenced by other things. It was meant to be a very simple metaphor at the start, but it became more complicated for political and personal reasons. I don't think you can make queer art in this country without it feeling fraught at the moment, as we get battered in the media for no good reason other than our existence, and it would be nice to have something's protective wings spread over us for a while.

It is not easy being in transition, even if you're going where you want to go. That's pretty much the thesis statement of both HOME and CREATURE as a pair, and I really hope you find some enjoyment, meaning, and maybe even comfort in them.

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dancing-to-architecture · 1 year

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44 - Jack White - Blunderbuss (2012)

I'm gonna be real, I had no idea this album even existed until this came up. I liked the White Stripes back in the mid to late 00's, but never really followed much of Jack White's solo career.

He's a damn good guitarist, though, so I'm going in to this one with slightly raised expectations.

(I also had this written out like a week and a half ago and just totally spaced on actually posting it.)

•Missing Pieces-

ooh, that electric piano works really well with Jack's guitar tones in the intro, but the solo in the middle is a killer.

Weird lyrics at first, then it slowly starts to come together by the end with a great set of closing lines:

"Sometimes someone controls everything about you

And then they tell you that they just can't live without you

They ain't lyin', they'll take pieces of you

And they'll stand above you and walk away

That's right, and take a part of you with them."

And whomst among us hasn't felt exactly that way some point?

•Sixteen Saltines-

Heavy fuzzy riffs, which is kinda what I expect from Jack White.

The name of the song is extremely weird considering it's a throwaway line, but I guess just calling it "who's jealous (of who?)" might be a bit on the nose.

•Freedom at 21-

I'm giving the text on this a small bit of a pass here because this came out a WHILE before the Me Too movement, but it feels pretty 'Men's Rights'-y imo.

"She can do whatever to me and she'll be fine because she's the woman and the man is always blamed for things" feels pretty goddamned cringey in 2023.

•Love Interruption-

This is the most "Divorced Guy" song I've ever heard in my entire life.

I will not elaborate further.

•Blunderbuss-

"A romantic bust, a blunder turned explosive blunderbuss" is some pretty fun wordplay, but as a self-diagnosed wife-guy, a few soulful minutes about the nobility of infidelity is not exactly my cup of piss.

•Hypocritical Kiss-

This song just makes me think about a number of people that I'd rather prefer stay locked away in the oubliette of my terrible memory.

•Weep Themselves to Sleep-

Okay, dude, you totally invalidated your entire premise set up by the first two lines in the second two lines.

"Nobody can do [x] like I can, except all these guys."

The instrumentation is really nice, the piano kills it, but the lyrics are... not great. 'Billy Corgan Poetic', by which I mean they're pretty, have an interesting metric foot, and they rhyme nicely, but are otherwise inscrutable.

Weird choice for the central song.

•I'm Shakin'-

Jack White sings the dirty blues.

...At least he's better at it than a good number of other white guys who have attempted it.

The idea of referring to the story of Samson and Delilah as "(she) clipped his wig" is just wild.

•Trash Tongue Talker-

"You broke your tongue talkin trash,

Now you're trying to bring your garbage to me." Damn, that's a good line.

One of the few songs about "get the hell out of my life" that you could throw on at a party and not immediately kill the vibe.

•Hip (Eponymous) Poor Boy-

This feels like a band i grew up listening to. Wanna say Little Feat or something like that. It's...alright.

•I Guess I Should Go To Sleep-

Okay, I have a bit of a weakness for 3/4 time.

I also have the occasional fight with insomnia (and lemme tell ya, my insomnia's got HANDS), so yeah, this one hits home.

Also a fairly tidy analogy for death closing out the tab on a hard life. Not entirely sure if that was the intention, but it works.

•On And On And On-

I absolutely love the flow of this one. It's not exactly a fast song, but it keeps moving with the steady power of a river.

I actually had to relisten to it, as I got caught up in the movement and the meter of the lyrics and started spacing out and just vibing.

•Take Me With You When You Go-

The drums are straight out of Manic Depression. I'd know that goddamn drum fill *anywhere*.

I like the fiddle, it almost feels like it shouldn't work, but it really does.

Okay I wasn't expecting the intro to be "the first entire half of the song" but it kicks into 5th gear at the halfway mark and just Goes.

About what I expected going in, to be real. Some great guitar work, some weird but fun lyrics (more often than not).

I'm not sure when he and Meg had their big bad falling out back in the day, but the general sense of "being kinda angry at women" vibe on a few of the songs here definitely bring that whole debacle to mind.

Favorite Track: On And On And On. It's just a whole ass vibe.

Least Favorite Track: tie between Weep Themselves to Sleep and Hypocritical Kiss, but Blunderbuss would be up here too if the wordplay wasn't so good.

There's a lot of very divorce-coded "angry white guy" on this album, and that's just not hitting me.

#1001 albums #dancing to architecture #jack white #blunderbuss

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spicy-squid-thoughts · 2 years

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TW: mentions of suicide/ suicidal ideation

______________________________

In my head, I have revised this letter a countless number of times. I don’t even know if this is an official note because I haven’t fully committed to the idea of committing, but I wanted to write this anyway. I’m making up a new concept: Suicidal Ideation Note (in comparison to a traditional suicide note). Today is January 16th, 2023. The time is 9:49 P.M. Tomorrow, the Spring Semester begins at school. I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of love, and a lot of grievances. Lately it seems like those grievances are getting heavier and heavier, though since it’s all in my head it’s hard to explain. Logistically, I could probably analyze what’s wrong with me. I’ve been told that I’m great at psycho-analyzing people, not to mention psychology is very fascinating to me.

First things first, I’m tired. I’m so tired. I know I’ve been struggling with my passive suicidal ideation for a while, but lately there are more days where the urge to die is stronger. There are repetitive thoughts in my head, all telling me that dying would be so much easier than just existing-- because that’s the thing: you can’t simply just exist.

Maybe this won’t make any sense at all. I hardly do, anyways. Lol. I think existing is so difficult. As a woman, as a queer person, as someone who has both ADHD and Autism simultaneously. The world we live in is not suited for me. Our world is suited best for cisgendered, straight, able-bodied/minded white men. Especially in America.

Did you know that the ADA, (The Americans with Disabilities Act) was only brought into existence in the 90’s? Why did America wait so long to even think about giving rights to disabled people? And it was only when people with wheelchairs were crawling up the steps of the Capital that the government considered giving them a tiny bit of rights.

But my disability is invisible, and accommodations will likely not be made for me. Sure, legally businesses can’t discriminate against you based on the premise of disability but they do anyways. They’ll just blame it on something else, or not hire you at all because “you aren’t the right fit” which is secretly code for “your Autism makes you act weird and we don’t want you”.

I’m tired of having to constantly mask and blend in to act “normal” for neurotypicals who don’t care about me. I just want to be myself. This world wasn’t made for someone like me. The average life expectancy for Autistic individuals is about 34-54, which is less than the general population. It is also true that Autistic people are more likely to have depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I wonder why? (It should be very obvious why).

I’m getting a bit off topic.

I’m tired of having to fight for my place to exist. Most boomers want me gone; they think my very existence as a lesbian is offensive to their kids and their grandkids-- they want to oppress my identity and I’m tired of being constantly discriminated against, even indirectly. Even the idea of “you do what you want, but don’t expose my children” is inherently homophobic. Straight media is shoved in childrens’ faces as soon as they are old enough to comprehend fiction. Yet when it’s LGBT, all of a sudden it’s evil or too inappropriate or too confusing, even though the same exact things are being shown through a straight couple in a kid’s movie?

I’m tired of injustice and I’m tired of hypocrisy. I can’t simply “get over” the injustices of the world, and how there are homeless people and how medicine costs so much money and how corporate greed is the fuel that runs this country. I hate living in a country that everyone hates; being clumped in with the rest of the intolerant, racist people that live here.

I’m tired of people telling me that this is the best way to live, that capitalism and corporate greed are necessary and that America is the best country. It’s not. Just because there are places that are worse than us DOES NOT MEAN there can’t be greener pastures. Sure, no place is perfect. But there are better options out there and no one believes me.

I’ve been spiraling and spiraling more frequently these days. Maybe some of it has to do with trauma, but a big part of it has to do with the energy around me. I hate the constant fighting and the constant hypocrisy of everyone around me.

And yet, logistically I still have goals and dreams and aspirations. I know I have people who love and care about me and people who make me laugh. I know I am not alone, but I still feel like no one would understand the darkness underneath my smile. That line was really cringe.

Lately, I’ve been losing interest in all of my hobbies. I hadn’t noticed this until it was far too late. I had misinterpreted the meaning of “depression makes you lose interest in things”; I am still INTERESTED in writing and reading and video games and the like, but when was the last time I sat down and wrote something for fun? Played a video game? Watched a new anime? Read more than one chapter in a book? I desperately miss the times I would stay up all night reading an enticing book or fanfiction, or losing sleep over writing a silly ‘x reader’ fanfiction or even working on my novel concept. I miss the days I would pull an all nighter over Harvest Moon or Terraria or Stardew Valley or even Pokemon.

It seems like all I do now is school, work, and Tiktok. It’s all that can hold my attention at the moment. When I try to write, I psych myself out and I can’t write more than a paragraph or a few sentences. When I try to play video games, I can’t play for more than thirty minutes at most (if I’m lucky). I don’t know what happened.

I still have goals somehow. I want to travel to Europe and I want to see Japan and South Korea again. I want to publish a novel and I want to watch all of these shows and I want to work at a publishing house. But... living is so exhausting that I don’t know if I’ll ever see those things through. I’m surprised that I made it all the way to 2023. I almost kicked the bucket back in 2017 or 2018 (I can’t quite remember), but I guess I’m still here.

The main reason I’m still here is because (like I said earlier) I know people care about me. My girlfriend and my friends and my family would be devastated. My sisters and my brother are all so young, they might even gain some form of trauma if I were to go through with it. (Is that too self-absorbed to say? I don’t see my siblings that often anyways, maybe they would hardly notice my absence after a while). I know eventually I would fade into a fond memory, a pink carnation woven into their amygdalas.

Maybe a lot of people my age are unhappy. There’s a lot going on right now, and a lot of fighting. Houses and groceries are more expensive than ever and wages are the same as always. I don’t want to work 3 jobs to make ends meet. It’s already hard enough working one job. Retail really is dehumanizing. So is the food service industry.

Lately it feels like so many people are expressing their woes with the modern age and yet nobody seems to be listening. Any time I try to express my problems with how things are I am always shut down. Unless it’s someone my age. I’m tired of being so isolated from all the other adults in my life (not my friends, I mean more like family). As if Autism isn’t already isolating enough, my ideas and my beliefs are isolating me on top of that. I’m the odd one out I think.

I know my cats understand me perfectly. I love them so much, actually. I love all cats even if Persians are ugly.

I don’t know how healthy it is to fantasize over someone saving me from myself. Maybe it’s a bit unhealthy, but I seek it out in the vessel of my current hyperfixations. I don’t know why it’s so comforting to read those headcanon posts on Tumblr where my self insert Obey Me MC is suicidal and the brothers comfort them through their darkest hours, or where MC self harms and the brothers find out about it and get them help.

Maybe I’m just too scared to get help. I already know I’m afraid of change; maybe this is part of that fear. I don’t know how to overcome it or make it go away. Maybe I’m too comfortable in this depression, for if I overcome it, what will be left? Maybe I don’t want to know the answer to that question.

There are things I like that make me happy. I like Tally Hall and Vocaloid: these two music groups are spicy. I love the animes Sgt Frog, Soul Eater, Made in Abyss, Angel Beats, and Girls Last Tour. Right now I’m rewatching Bungou Stray Dogs with my girlfriend and I love it. My favorite books are The Magical Language of Others and The Lost Apothecary. I love the graphic novel Heartstopper and I love the manga Servamp. I love traveling, though I don’t get to do it often.

I love my girlfriend and my friends and my family, even if I feel isolated from my family a lot of the time.

I love the snow and I love the water and I love shells at the beach and I love the little clams that peck your fingers when you scoop up a big pile of wet sand. I love nature and I love cats and I love sea creatures and I love creating and I love laughing and I love stupid stuff like memes and Tiktok and I love Asian food.

I have so much to love, but I feel like everything else is far too draining. I can stay here, alive, and love these things, but at what cost? I want to rest beneath the Earth for centuries like the ancient gods and goddesses used to do. I just want a break from all the chaos.

I don’t think I’ll ever actually have the courage to do anything rash. I think that I’m far too much of a coward for that. So I’ll stay here and suffer and be alive.

#depression #anxiety #lgbt #intrusive thoughts #mental illness #tw sucidal ideation #autism #adhd #audhd

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twopoppies · 3 years

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Hi! I hope it’s not too annoying of a request but I was wondering if you or your followers can think of any fics that are kinda inspiring academically, especially regarding British literature, if that makes sense? I just finished rereading Come As You Are and every time I read it, it motivates me to read more and practice my writing because I want to be more like Harry from that fic hahaha and I’m looking for more fics which evoke this feeling since I’m starting my masters in October and I need all the help I can get. Thank you so much! (I absolutely love your master post and its my go to couple times a week!)

Hi sweetheart. Hmmm... I just reblogged my Dark Academia fic rec, but other than that I think it would be fics where one or the other are writers/poets etc. Not all of these are heavy on the writing/poetry, but they're all great fics.

Make Your Words A Weapon by @helloamhere (E, 36K) I recently read this a second time and it’s even better than I remembered. I love everything this author writes. This one just really hit me hard for whatever reason. Maybe it’s the way they explore Louis’ anxiety and coping mechanisms and pain and the way he pushes people away and protects himself, but also wants someone to push back just a bit and love him despite all of that. And the way Harry is the perfect foil for all of it, while also feeling like a fully developed character himself. Yeah, it’s probably all of that. Plus soul marks! (Musician Harry/Music Journalist Louis)

Our Lives, Non Fiction by @indiaalphawhiskey (E, 114K) this is, quite literally, the best fic I’ve read in years. It’s so well written, clever, funny, emotional, and sexy. Its draw you in immediately and you’ll end up falling in love with these characters before you know it. Don’t miss this one. Harry and Louis are both authors.

An Invincible Summer by Brooklyn_Babylon / @twopoppies (E, 45K) this one is mine, I hope you like it:

Never content to stay in one place for long, a few months down south researching for his novel seemed like an idyllic, slow-paced summer to Louis. He wasn’t ready for the blistering heat, the backbreaking work of watermelon picking, or how stifling the attitudes in rural Georgia would feel. And he definitely hadn’t anticipated falling in love with the farmer’s son.

The summer of 1946 would turn out to be everything worth writing about. Farmer Harry / author Louis

Mine Would Be You by @crinkle-eyed-boo (E, 115K) Beautifully written, flawed characters and an emotionally engaging and ANGSTY plot. Super hot smut that made me cry like a fool. Banter, OT5 friendship, and the gritty realness of New York as a backdrop. Loved this one. Artist Harry / Author Louis

where your lips land by BriaMaria / @briannamarguerite (E, 12K) Ok, I’ve recommended this one a few times and I really do love it. Anyway, I love fics where the two of them are both artists of some sort (Louis is a poet in this one, Harry is a photographer) because it allows for another layer of understanding and connection and support. I particularly love the way Louis’ tattoos are woven into this story with layered meaning. And, as always, just beautiful writing.

you’re writing lines about me by snazzyasalways (T, 4K) This is gorgeously written on that Dreamy, poetic style I happen to love. Louis is a blind poet, Harry is a baker, Harry falls in love with Louis’ words, then with him.

another hazy may by deLILah (M, 41K) Another author who writes great fic after great fic. This one has that dreamy quality I love and there’s also something about it that, at times, reminds me of a little bit of a Raymond Chandler novel. I know that’s weird...but, yeah, it does. Anyway, I love this one. Such a good read.

I would name the stars for you (I would take you there) by orphan_account (M, 91K) This is just beautifully written. Angst. Mutual pining. Dumb boys. Beautiful descriptions of art and creativity and fame and beautiful poetry.

Little Technicolor Things by scary_crow (M, 72K) This is truly one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I have ever read and it is an absolutely travesty that it’s not being talked about every day. This fic is gorgeous and poetic and romantic and heartbreaking and an explosion of metaphoric images and everything I never knew I needed but now that I have it I want to read it over and over and over.

But If This Ends by nonsensedarling / @absoloutenonsense (E, 107K) This author referred to this fic as their “depressed vampire” fic while they were writing, and it is that. But it’s also a unique story with beautifully fleshed out characters, plot twists, and super hot smut. Go check it out! Vampire Harry / Writer Louis

24K Magic by @justalittlelouislove (E, 33K) FINALLY a category in which I can rec this author! I love everything they write, but this was the first one I’d read and it’s just great. Smooth dialogue, sexy smut, great description of character growth…just a really fun fic.

the best part of me (was always you) by @moonshinelouis-archive (E, 6K) Gorgeous writing. The descriptions of heartbreak and missing someone and still loving them were really well done. And I cried. Of course.

'Sup by MediaWhore (GA, 7K) Divorced, awkward Harry pining for silver fox Louis is a trope I never knew I needed, but I love it so much.

I Will Never Rust by stylez (E, 38K) I must have read this at least 5 years ago and I honestly don’t remember details, but my notes say “gorgeous, sad, sexy” so... I’m crossing my fingers that old me knew what she was talking about. It’s frat boy Harry so that could go either way. LOL! Student/Poet Harry.

Loyal Knight and True by rainbowninja167 / (E, 52K) Really original story, mystery and magic, great characterizations. All around a very good read!

Turning Page by purpledaisy (M, 68K) This author does a wonderful job with their characterizations which makes their fics such a pleasure to read. This one really has you rooting for curmudgeonly Louis and skittish/secretive Harry to figure their shit out and fall in love. If you like this one, make time to read this author’s fic, Walk That Mile – it’s one of my all time favorites. Sports journalist Louis.

Black with Autumn Rain by Whimsicule (T, 93K) This author is a favorite. If you like intense, creative stories, with complex characters and tight dialogue, you should read all of their fics. This one has the flavor of a Daphne du Maurier novel – dark, creepy, and moodily romantic. Plus a supernatural edge. It’s so good. Journalist Harry.

That Sounds Fake But Okay by dancingontheceiling (E, 113K) This one has a little bit of everything: Enemies to lovers, fake relationship, famous/not famous... plus, really good writing and some sexy smut scenes. Actor Louis / journalist Harry.

Sing When You're Winning by hazmesentir (NR, 91K) another one I read ages ago, but I always like this author’s writing and the premise of newly out footballer Louis and journalist intern Harry who somehow snags the interview, is such a fun one. And I don’t know why it has an NR rating, there’s plenty of smut.

feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream by togetherwecouldbealright (M, 123K) I read this one so, so long ago that all I remember is that I loved it, that there’s some really romantic and sweet moments, and that my notes from way back when only say, “OMG this one is so good! And I’ve barely gotten to the smut!” HAHAHAHA! Journalist Harry/prince Louis (this fic has been deleted, so the link is to a download).

#writers and poets #my fic rec #larry fic rec

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fairycosmos · 2 years

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i hope it’s fine to join in on the conversation since this topic is something i’ve been brewing over for a long time. ultimately, while i agree there are wonderful things to be experienced in life — certainly there have been moments where even i thought how lucky i am to be in that moment! — that doesn’t mean it’s worth the gamble. when you have a kid, you have NO idea what their life is going to be like, you’re just thrusting them into it. and i wish love were enough, but love can’t protect a person from life. kids whose parents love them still get cancer. people who were loved as kids and had great childhoods can still lose it all in adulthood or fall victim to heinous crimes. love can’t even cure depression (or any mental illness). i don’t think people who have kids have any ill intentions. i think they’re at worst ignorant (ie they don’t think about what they’re doing at all) and at best idealistic (ie they believe their love for their kids - which is a wonderful thing in itself, of course! - will ensure their kids have a good life). my prerogative is that i just can’t in good conscience make that gamble for someone else. sure, it might be sunshine and rainbows. it might be absolute hell though. or it might not be anything especially tragic, just one of Those Lives, you know. and i kinda like living now, honestly. i got pretty lucky with my partner and am able to work in a creative field. that means nothing to my hypothetical kid though! if they’re born, there’s a capacity for happiness, yes, but there’s also *endless* capacity for suffering. happiness has a limit - suffering really does not. if they’re not born, they can’t experience joy, true, but they also absolutely can’t suffer. and that seems like a fine deal to me. and also, i feel like a lot of parents get defensive about this because a world without their kids is unthinkable, so they feel, idk, that they would’ve robbed their kids of something had they not had them? i don’t know, but nobody’s sad about not being born. like, i didn’t care before i was born. experience is only possible to the existing and living, your hypothetical unborn kids can’t experience sadness over not getting to feel sunlight on their skin. but once they’re born, they can experience so much pain. they might not, but they could, and that, to me, is the whole point — not having kids is the safest way to ensure no further suffering. (also the state of the world isn’t promising and looking at any meaningful statistics is fucking horrifying so i don’t even think it’s an even gamble i think it’s like. playing russian roulette with five bullets. but that’s my personal pessimism tho)

omg you seriously put my own thoughts on this subject into words so perfectly it's a little insane. im worried that you actually live inside my brain and are controlling it lmfao like yes exactlyyyyy. this is the nuance that encapsulates it all for me and my own personal approach to parenthood as well. it's about the gamble in my eyes, too. you can take a massive risk and bring life into this world in good faith - but that's not going to mean shit to the traumatised adult you might get at the end of it, for whatever reason. and there are an endless list of reasons. it's like, a high probability even. it's great if people can live their lives on the premise of optimism but in my eyes i don't think the beauty of life negates the harm of it either. at all. like, be real. you could say for every bad thing that happens a good thing happens - but which generally lingers the longest, effects you the most; happiness or pain? which takes years to overcome, which feels permanent and substantial? it's so clear to me that playing god with a human being's life is a decision with massive stakes, with often unforeseen consequences. like you said, anything could happen but toil is guaranteed. it's hard work for both the kid and the adult.

i think parents are sometimes so flippant about the inevitability of suffering, and it's weird to me to just shrug that aspect of living off just because you did your best with your child or because there's been fun times, too. like you said, nobody grieves not being born, nobody feels cheated out of an existence they're not even aware of. we don't owe the world reproduction. it's all just common sense, honestly. to me the possibility of my kid having a consistently difficult existence (which like you said is not unlikely if you've ever uhh watched the news or read a single statistic regarding quality of life) is enough to turn me off the idea. the future's not exactly sparkling is it. people are so quick to label childfree people selfish but i think making that choice is the exact opposite in a lot of cases, though ofc there's nothing wrong with wanting your life to be your own anyway. ultimately when i'm questioned on this i just think to myself - sorry i understand the immense weight of a human life and of human pain i guess. sorry the game isn't worth it to me the way it is to you. you know?

#anon

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 3 years

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What if some Cullen stayed behind on a new moon to be with Bella? How do you think the story would have occurred?

They wouldn’t.

Remember, we see the series from Bella’s perspective. We get a front row view to her devastation at being left behind, her depression, and the fact that Bella is put into more danger because of it and ultimately the Cullens come back.

At the end of New Moon, the reader goes, “What was the point of this damn novel? Why even have them leave in the first place if they just come back?!” Well, it was to show that Edward and Bella can’t live without each other, introduce the wolves without the Cullens getting in the way, and start the Volturi plot threads.

Regardless, a lot of blame falls on the Cullens for daring to leave in the first place. Someone should have put their foot down and demanded to stay (several did but they ended up leaving anyway). However, from their perspective, I don’t think they necessarily made the wrong choice

Why The Cullens Had Good Reason to Leave in New Moon

They’d been living in the precarious world for months now where a human is in on the secret, really shouldn’t be in on the secret, just waiting for something to happen.

Edward plays human boyfriend, knowing that he’ll one day abandon her (he plans it, even, from the moment he first sneaks into her bedroom). He has no intention of turning her into a vampire.

Which means, for the rest of them, walking on eggshells trying and failing to think what happens next. Because this is not sustainable.

Eventually, the Cullens will need to move. It’ll be a while yet, Carlisle will probably spend another few years as a doctor in Forks while the “children” go to university somewhere. But eventually, one day, they will leave the area.

If Bella’s human, she’s not coming with them.

And if she does come with them... Bella will be this sole aging human living with immortal creatures. She can’t do the high school routine with Edward very long, would have to find her own thing to do while somehow still moving with this family, and it wouldn’t be sustainable. Bella would live a very miserable life that’s not all that different from if they had never killed James in Phoenix (on the run moving from city to city, protecting this secret from anyone who might ask, having to hide her relationship with Edward if they even manage to keep that alive).

It would be a miserable life and not good for her. Even Bella, the teenager who wants to be with them forever, sees that. She can’t stay with Edward and be human, if she’s joining the Cullens then she has to be turned.

Adding to this, hanging around Bella is very dangerous. There’s a reason their worlds are separate. Jasper might be the one who cracks first, but something was going to happen one of those days. That papercut could have very easily been Edward. Bella could accidentally scrape herself in front of a hungry Alice. Bella helping Esme in the kitchen might accidentally cut herself. Every time Bella spends any time in their vicinity, she’s playing Russian Roulette.

She just happens to lose at her own birthday party.

Jasper’s attack, and every single member of the family besides Carlisle having to vacate the house, is a wake up call that if Bella’s staying human then this isn’t going to work.

Leaving in New Moon is their last chance to give Bella a human life and future. Bella’s young, she’ll move on and make friends and live an ordinary life in the ordinary human world. I do think, for all of the Cullens, none of them realize the extent of her depression and she staked all her self-worth on the aliens who she only met a few months ago and who barely even know her.

And that’s important and I think people forget that, Bella barely knows these people and they know even less about her.

Bella spends her time hanging around Edward and maybe Alice.

She has had one conversation with Carlisle, the night he stitches her up no less, never seems to talk to Esme at all, barely even sees Jasper, Rosalie barely knows her, and for all Emmett thinks she’s hilarious that’s because she’s just Clumsy Human (TM).

None of them have any personal attachment to her.

Then you have Edward throwing a fit. Yes, Alice is adamantly against doing this, thinks it will be a disaster, but Edward’s the one they’re going to live with. More, Edward does have a point, this isn’t sustainable, Bella has no idea what she’s getting into, and if she can live a human life with her human family then she probably should.

Little did they know that they were leaving her to the mercy of Victoria and Laurent, relying on the protection of the shapeshifters who might unintentionally maul her at any moment, or that she’d become mired in depression and eventually attempt suicide.

Well, Alice knew, but her visions are also flighty things that while holding true for a moment don’t necessary hold true for years.

So, I can see why they leave, and why characters who are dubious about it are convinced to leave.

For what it’s worth, I also think they thought Edward’s breakup with Bella was an amenable thing where he logically told her why he was doing this.

Edward, remember, does not ask Rosalie or Emmett’s assistance in stealing the stereo out of Bella’s car. He didn’t tell them about stealing her photos and memorabilia and sticking it under the floorboards. Given Edward’s behavior in Midnight Sun, I’m sure he didn’t tell them that what he actually said to her was that she was a distraction and he’d gotten bored. Given that he had a very reasonable explanation to break up with her, I’m a vampire and you’re human and this isn’t working out, I’m sure they thought he was mature and reasonable about it.

He wasn’t.

Who Would Even Stay?

More, if anyone stayed, then you know Edward would be staying with them. Glaring at them constantly for ruining his leaving town plan. HOW DARE THEY.

And is Emmett really going to bail on Rose so he can hang out with Edward’s weird squishy girlfriend? Carlisle tell the family to go on ahead without him, he’ll catch up, while he sits there awkwardly with Bella and says “Sorry about all of this.” Rosalie, who loathes Bella, sticking around just to spite Edward. Esme staying with Bella and infuriating Edward and causing him pain (Edward’s Esme’s basically highest priority, she’d never do this). Jasper hanging around the girl he just tried to eat?

I’d say Alice is your best bet except... This isn’t the meta for it, but throughout the series it’s clear for all that Alice likes Bella, she likes Edward a lot more. Bella is nice, but Alice has her priorities in order and is more than okay with the significant odds of Bella dying horrifically if it means everything might work out the way she wants it to.

So, given that hanging around Bella would cause a rift with Edward, she’s not going to do it. Also, I’m sure the way she sees it, it’s best to get this out of the way now so that Edward learns his lesson.

And what would they even do then? If Carlisle’s family has moved then he can’t stick around town for long (maybe the premise is they moved on ahead of him to set up the house but that will only last so long). If it’s any of the “kids” they have to hide in the bushes all day as the family will have left them behind. If it’s Esme, why didn’t she go with her family and her kids to the new city?

So it’d just be them hanging around, doing nothing to... make Bella feel better? When it’s really Edward who she wants to see rather than rando Cullen she barely knows hanging out in her yard?

Basically, I can’t see a single one of them staying behind.

But if Someone Did Stay

Then, as I said, Edward would stay too.

And Edward would never forgive them for this. They would be dead to him, forever. I can imagine, in his upset rage and helplessness, Edward would say even worse things to Bella to make it clear the entire family should leave.

It’d be a shit show all around.

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owilder · 2 years

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Penguindrum is a story about a terminally ill young girl who, after dying, is granted a second chance at life by a possessed penguin hat that her brothers had purchased for her at the aquarium. In return for this gift of life, the brothers - and the penguins who now follow all three siblings - are tasked with retrieving the titular penguindrum - else the girl will die again.

This summary does not even scratch the surface of what actually transpires in these books. They are the novilisation of an anime; and, while I am familiar with anime luring you in with a somewhat weird premise and cute creatures only to hit you over the head with sad moments and dark themes - I still was unprepared for how bizarre and heavy this series gets.

The series deeply explores the themes of what it means to be family, which ties into its recurring theme of ‘invisible children’ - the children that society tends to ignore, overlook, or straight up toss aside. In this case, it focuses specifically on children whose parents perpetrated the 1995 Sarin Gas Attack, as well as several others who had some connection to one of the victims, and the relationships between all those affected by the attack.

This subject is especially well-handled since, despite never shying away from keeping the awfulness of the parents’ actions in perspective, the series also shows the parents, through flashbacks, as their children saw them - as kind, loving, protective parents. The lens of violence and fear through which the world views their parents is not that through which the children view them because their parents never showed them that side of themselves.

Another common theme is that of childhood trauma at the hands of their guardians and society. Each of the children presented here has suffered in some way, and series explores how that trauma has effected them, pushing some of them, in some cases, to violent extremes. Those extremes can be difficult to read on occasion, but are never romanticised or excused.

Admittedly, this does make the book a dismal read in parts. (Don’t even get me started on San-chan. As if the series wasn’t depressing enough, they had to throw that at me.) However, the lighter and more comedic moments are numerous and warmly welcomed. This does mean that the series periodically gives its reader tonal whiplash which, while I would ordinarily argue is a flaw, actually benefits the story, since the subject matter and themes are so heavy.

I appreciate that the terminally ill Himari is a fully developed character with dreams, doubts, and flaws, as opposed to being the archetypically “pure and perfect fragile child” whose character and illness exist solely to drive the plot forward. While she is introduced as pure, innocent, and childlike, it becomes apparent rather quickly that there is more to her than that and that those characteristics may be a mask she wears for her and her brothers’ sakes. As is typical of many anime, the characters appear simple on the surface only to have it revealed later that they have many deeper (and in this series, often darker) layers.

Of course, there are a few areas in which the series could have been improved. Noticeably in the second book, though more egregiously in the third, the penguins that are constantly present in the background, especially No. 1 and 2, are frequently omitted. While I would ordinarily assume this is intended to by symbolic in some way, I am aware that, in the anime, they’re still present, making their sudden omission feel as though Ikuhara just got bored with describing their background antics and gave up doing so. Similarly, it is a shame that the second penguin hat has almost zero bearing on the story beyond explaining a certain character’s motivation and actions. Himari’s relationship with hers is repeatedly depicted and explored, so it feels like wasted potential to not do so with the second hat even just once. Finally, while I’m aware that the suggested incest in the series is not actually incest (which is all I can say without spoiling anything), I believe the story suffers from its suggestion. The character dynamics work best and service the overall themes of the story best when they’re strictly familial. The story makes it clear that these characters see each other as family and, for that reason alone, will do anything for one another, and even hinting at any romantic interest between any of them cheapens that a little.

Overall, if you are not bothered by a heavy and, at times, outright heartbreaking story, then I recommend reading this series. It offers so much more than its premise promises.

#Books #Reading #Penguindrum #Kunihiko Ikuhara

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bonetrousle · 2 years

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ok officially asking you what's up with the published drarry fanfic with the numbers filed off

Okay sorry it took me a while to get to this I had to. sleep etc. I'm making this post non-rebloggable bc im 99% sure the author has a tumblr and I don't necessarily want them to see me slagging their book off LMAO. under the cut bc its pretty long

Ok so my partner tumblr user tackythor went to the bookstore. To get some books. As one does. And someone working there was giving her recs including this book. She gave kind of an inaccurate description of it too by the sounds of things? So anyway she brings some books home including this one and I'm reading the blurb which is like "two boys who hate each other fall in love at a magic school in new zealand!!" im like ok. sounds bad but i wont say anything bc i dont want to be a dick. I read the first page and am like ok yeah this is NOT for me.

So tumblr user tackythor reads some of this book and im like ok how's it going?? She's trying to figure out how to explain it and goes ok so it's like the characters are basically Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. That's when the PENNY DROPS and she's like oh my god that's. that's LITERALLY what it is. So me being nosy I rifle through the book and find thank you's/acknowledgements to people on tumblr and ao3. It's all starting to make SENSE. Anyway a real quick google of the books title will rapidly find you the title of the og fanfiction AND a pdf of the (now deleted) fanfiction which I obviously immediately downloaded and read so I could compare the two.

ANYWAY, the book isn't great, because none of the characters really have a personality. This is because you are expected to already know who they are. Because they are harry potter characters with established personalities and backstories. None of these made it in to the book however. Ron and Hermione have been genderswapped to make it less obvious that they're Ron and Hermione. The Harry character is a real cranky dick a lot of the time, which makes sense if you realise he's Harry and has gone through a lot of trauma, but makes less sense for someone who's Literally Just Some Guy at a School. There are also no descriptions of the school beyond "there are no windows and it's grey and depressing". There are also no visual descriptions of any of the characters save Harry and Draco. There's also a lot of weird... sexism? and other isms? in the og fanfiction, most of which has been thankfully edited out, but occasionally some weird stuff filters it's way through (can't think of any examples off the top of my head rn, a lot of kinda strangely rigid gender stuff for the most part.) the general premise is they have to raise fake egg babies for a class assignment which is how Harry and Draco get together because they partner up to get back at their exes and I guess.. pretend flirt in the process? In the book it's not really clear why they don't like each other. They just sort of.... don't. Draco isn't a wizard racist but just a rich guy from a big city who pulled a couple of pranks on Harry or something. Again, not quite on the same level of trying to murder the headmaster etc etc but WHATEVS.

This book won an award which is how it got published. I think the fact that it's a queer novel set in nz with a POC as the main character and an indigenous magic system means that people sort of focused in on that, and thought it was a unique premise for a book and glossed over the fact that it is not super well written and the plot is very, very thin, because it is of course mostly a vehicle for drarry sex. (which has been edited out but the book is still fairly adult for a YA novel). Clearly the people running the award had no clue??? There are some nuggets of interesting stuff in there such as the system of magic but again, these are a bit of loose world building that aren't fully fleshed out. I could GO ON but I'd need to do another rifle through the book/have another discussion with tumblr user tackythor to refresh my memory about some of the finer details of the book lmfao. Anyway everyone's giving it really good ratings and reviews and it JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME but I don't really read YA so who the fuck knows. Maybe it's good in the YA world. I find that difficult to believe though. The editing really improved the book though. Like by a LOT. But where it struggles is in the lack of fleshed out ANYTHING.

I've avoided mentioning the title so far bc i dont want this coming up in the search results for the book LOL so I’ll mention it in another post. yes im paranoid what about it

#i feel like such a hater but honestly its just really funny to me to encounter published fanfiction in the wild #sorry to the author i guess <3

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danwhobrowses · 3 years

Text

Castlevania Season 4 - My Thoughts

So we return, for the end Well, the 'end', there's possibility for expanded universe stories they say but for our current trio this is how we finish it

I've just binged it all so it's fresh in the mind, so I'm gonna look at the ups and downs of it all

You can also look at my review of season 3 if you'd like

Spoilers for Season 4, Watch it and get back here

So yeah, another great season, it had its downs but a lot of it had its ups too, which we will get to soon - but first let's get the negatives out of the way

What wasn't so good Nothing is perfect, and while a lot of these will be negatives they are mostly small negatives, stuff I felt could've been done a little bit better.

Saint Germain's heel turn could've been hidden So Saint Germain turning bad under the deception of death was a good way to establish conflict and pull back the rebus thing he mentioned in Season 3. But I kinda wish we didn't immediately know that he had broke bad, like we could've been super sly and coy about the fact that he's back and this time encountering Alucard only to be the orchestrator, like imagine the shock we could've had with learning what he was doing in the Castle then getting the flashback which drove him to it.

The rules of the ring change Last season Hector made the foolish decision of trusting Lenore, and while he got to bed a sexy vampire it had cost him all his freedom and the ring would prevent Hector acting against the coven of four sisters. But come this season it turns out that Hector was easily able to scheme against the sisters and invite the downfall of Camilla. Was a bit weird to establish that last season only to ignore it in the next.

The Patented Slow Start Castlevania has had a bit of a knack for starting slowly and Season 4 kinda did the same, things only really kicked off halfway through. Now of course we had to establish things; Trevor and Sypha being exhausted, the plans to resurrect Dracula, Alucard taking in the village and whatnot but we did linger on it a bit too much.

Striga's 'Day Armor' doesn't get enough time Striga took an ambush like a champ with a specialized armor that allowed her to fight in daylight. It was awesome and striking and looked absolutely badass...but that's the only time we saw it. It was just a shame really, granted it ended up that this was Striga's only time to fight, but we could've then used it for other characters, like the ambush dude who had his armor picked apart by the trio, or the Slavic vampire, just felt we could've done more with it.

CGI is sometimes a little shoddy The animation quality was mostly excellent, but that made it very glaring when some of the 3D rendering kinda hit an uncanny valley. I think the one that was most iffy was when Varney jumped into the mirror and then the mirror fragments just kinda wiped into the ground - even though Isaac's mirror tore a hole in the air - it was just a bit off-putting at times.

Couple of things left behind So when we ended it felt like we wrapped a lot of things up...except 2 things. One, where is Saint Germain's unnamed kickass lover? We caught her silhouette just walk away so we know she wasn't killed by Death, she's just 'out there' now. We also never got back to Targoviste, whose survivors must be wondering how to function since Sypha their only hope kinda disappeared on them, they'll also learn that their royals are dead, so it would've been nice to wrap that up.

Our heroes decide to use weapons sparingly In terms of arsenal we knew that our trio had a lot. The weird thing is that in some fights they just wouldn't use what would've been handy to them. There's of course Chekov's god dagger - which we didn't get too much explaining on - but Trevor would often just not use his Morningstar or Vampire Killer at times, even against two vampires, Sypha also seems to have forgotten how to use her wind magic or used her ice buzzsaw extremely sparingly and now Alucard can suddenly have bird wings...which could've been useful in prior fights.

We still lacked intelligent Night Creatures, and the badass vampires were underused So I still feel like it was very missed that the sentient night creatures of Season 1 didn't return still, especially since they were death's creatures. The one's dialogue with the priest is still among Castlevania's best and it's a shame we missed out on seeing more of it. In addition, the Ambusher's squad of vampires looked pretty cool, but like Dracula's council ended up just being swatted away after one fight, the same can be said with the Slavic vampire that was rolling with Varney. They didn't even get the pre-battle slaughter that Dracula's council did, Godbrand got more than these guys and that's a shame.

We don't get Bloody Tears or the Full Opening So the music was good, but we didn't get Bloody Tears again. For the final chapter of this saga it would've been better than using the opening song when the trio were together. Speaking of the opening song, we could've had the full length opening that we loved to see, small stuff but it would've elevated it.

Sypha is pregnant, because...because! So Sypha being pregnant is sweet, but it wasn't really needed aside from the throwaway 'trefor' joke which Alucard did better. Also that baby has gone through a lot, it's not like Sypha's been skipping in a meadow these past few weeks. Also they really gloss over how Trevor knows this and she doesn't

Some of this could've been done in a Season 5 This is more the fault of Netflix I'm guessing, since it does feel like after Season 3 we had much more to tell, but it did feel like some of the characters skipped a load of development. At the end of Season 3, Hector was beside himself in the fact that Lenore enslaved him, Isaac was still very bent on killing everything, Camilla is soaking in her genius and Alucard is more closed off than ever, but in Season 4 Hector is much more content and now has some legitimate connection to Lenore, Lenore is treated as sympathetic, Isaac is eating berries with a new outlook and Alucard decides to rescue a village because they asked, also he has a shield now. It does feel like half of what Season 4 had could've been in a Season 5, and then Season 4 could've built between having the growth be showed; Lenore feeling left out and confiding in Hector, Isaac deciding to bury the dead and rebuild the city, Trevor and Sypha having some friction in their relationship and Alucard not helping someone in need and then regretting it. As I said, this is probably not the show's fault, they were likely told that Season 4 would be it and they had to make do with it but in a vacuum it would've been nice to have had a little more build.

What was Awesome about it So I could easily just say 'the rest of it' but I guess I can afford to be a little more detailed.

Great Animation Aside from the CGI at times the animation was a top grade of excellence. I mean I watched the current My Hero Academia episode which really was pushing its budget and still I'm impressed by this animation, the artwork and settings were excellent too.

Downside: You're turning into Trevor, Upside: You get a strong warrior woman as a love interest While Alucard could've used some more time to go from emotionally scarred by 'the twins' to sympathizing with the town's plight, his character dynamic with Greta was great. Greta herself proved an excellent late addition being both a capable fighter, a strong independent leader and someone who was more than just an Alucard love interest. If you don't like strong women you're doing it wrong basically, and Alucard realising how he's turning into Trevor was some lightheartedness to Alucard combatting his loneliness and depression.

The Dialogue remains just as enthralling as the combat One of Castlevania's great strengths especially in seasons 1 and 3 were their use of gripping dialogue, the philosophical confrontations of different parties envelop the characters in greater depth thanks to the excellent script, primarily for Isaac and his chat with the bug man. The Slav Vampire also had a fantastic monologue.

Characters remain complex After four seasons it would've been easy to make some characters one dimensional, including the side villains, but Castlevania kept with the morally grey. The psycho noble clung hard to her delusions but her motives remained pure, as much as she was someone on the heroes' side she also infuriated Sypha, Saint Germain was driven to evil out of desperation but he still believably made amends in the very very end, Striga, Lenore and Morana were all on the side of the villains but had doubt about the scope of Camilla's ambition and made them consider their very nature. Simply put, it bodes well when characters have struggles that affect their motivation.

Layered Scheming 'Bring Back Dracula' was a simple premise, but the show did really well in connecting the channels between 3 plot areas, Trevor and Sypha learned of the plot by continually walking into scholar vampires attempt it, in Season 3 it was via a Night Creature in Isaac's name to start it all too, this connects to the Hector & Isaac story through Varney who schemes with the former to enact the plan, but this also connects to Alucard's story thanks to Saint Germain also plotting too. It was a clever way to entwine all three separate stories which would eventually bring things together.

Action still kicks a lot of ass Castlevania has good action? In other news water makes things wet. But still we got some great brutal action we've come familiar with in Castlevania. It could've been easy to go overboard like other shows had, which'd zone in on one thing like gore or nudity but Castlevania remained consistent in their action, looking for new lengths of creativity that never pushed its bounds. Of course building up to the final battle where we took it up a notch for the crescendo. Also I continue to call her Sypha 'Fatality' Belnades because god she kicks ass.

Isaac and Hector grow up It could've been easy and satisfying for Isaac to just roll up to Styria, take his revenge on Hector and leave, acting in both anger and mercy. But instead the characters grew beyond it, Isaac finally decides to heed what the shopkeeper and ship captain were saying rather than the crazy witch, Hector accepts his fate but works to try and make amends his own way. When the two finally cross again we see that both have accepted their humanity and instead of working for someone else they look to seek their own happiness, they forgive humanity in a way and it saves themselves. Their understanding to 'let Dracula rest' also grants them payoff from being Dracula's loyal commanders.

Camilla goes out swinging Where was this Camilla hiding huh? Brutal, Lightning powers and a crimson sword, I mean the wardrobe seems to be a bit less than last season and not battle-suited but dammit did Camilla grip you in her scenes. Her desperation and madness in taking over the world set her up to her downfall where she was betrayed and overwhelmed by Isaac's forces, but rather than let him have the satisfaction she kills herself. It could've easily fell flat because Camilla had just been sitting around like a vampire Cersei Lannister last season and end up proving her frustrations right by having a man take her life but instead she took control of her life and went out strong.

The bittersweet ending of Lenore At the end of season 3 the scheming Lenore claimed herself 'the diplomat', but having been shelved and fonder of Hector than usual it opened the door to explore her own grasp of control. The theme of enduring being prominent in this season for all the arcs we had. We learned the tragedy of Lenore's situation though, as a child of war diplomacy was her escape, she isn't comfortable with peace or total control, she can only live for conflict. While she does like Hector, she ends up valuing her own freedom in the end; and though we could've given more time to earn that sympathy we still accept it as she decides against a quiet life of surveillance freedom with Hector - ironically as Hector has lived under Camilla's captivity - and instead chose death. It was a much more poetic death than gruesome as well, after mulling how she mourned her sister because she understood the nature of greed she elected to make a choice rather than live without making any, looking at the sun for once and getting one last banter with Hector before immediately fading to dust. In a show that almost prides itself on hypergore and graphic deaths, this one was perhaps the most tranquil deaths of the show.

Striga and Morana overcome the greed Which leads to the final two of the four sisters. Camilla consumed herself with greed and died fighting for it, Lenore had no greed but also had no freedom so chose to die in order to be free, but lovers Striga and Morana were not in Styria for Isaac's attack, they were on the outskirts fighting and seeing the struggle firsthand. Their conflict over how they agreed and disagreed on certain aspects of the fight was intriguing, with the intermission of Striga on a tear in her swanky armour to tilt the tone to Striga's side of the argument. A Soldier and a Politician, both agreed though that Camilla's ambitions only worked on paper, so when confronted with their castle overrun and their sister dead it became a matter of duty or survival. Instead of dying in a good fight, Striga looked past her desire of battle and agreed to follow Morana in living, and Morana gave up any political power she could have under an empire to be a mercenary. They didn't overreach, and it spares them their lives in a surprising conclusion where the 'bad guys' still kinda get to live happily ever after.

The ReHumanization of Alucard Alucard has always been a fan favourite, but in the world of Castlevania he still acts as an outcast. While helping the village and getting close to Greta helps bring out some positive emotions in him, it's his dedication to saving the people that gives the show some of its lightest moments, especially when he toys with the kids. In a way it's what he wanted from the twins, but they had lived to not trust and wanted to kill rather than survive, and he grew a community out of it. Allowing the town to settle is the ultimate payoff for Alucard too, because it fulfills his mother's dream, now there are people who know the knowledge that his father did.

Bringing the old band together We all knew that Trevor and Sypha were gonna reunite with Alucard sometime near the end, I mean it's a shame they ditched a city that cannot organize themselves but they were kinda needed in the castle. What's best is that the moment came in it was like they never left, perfectly in sync and bantering off each other, when they fought the top level vampires it was their teamwork and synergy which made them overcome - which is great battle narrative too because alone they were getting beaten. It's just the stuff you love to see.

Trevor is tougher than Death The final battle being Trevor vs Death was a proper Attack on Titan-esque boss fight, just peeling away at the enemy and trying not to get hit. As well as a feast for the eyes it proved to be an entertaining climax - in spite of the limited info we got on the magic 3-piece dagger - and in a way it paid off Trevor's character journey. When we first met him he was an outcasted drunk that wanted nothing to do with the world let alone his family, but now he's here fighting death to save innocent people, his half-vampire buddy and his pregnant speaker magician girlfriend, being willing to give his own life for something bigger than himself, and succeeding...thanks to Saint Germain who owed him a favour and one very clever unsung hero of a horse. To tell you the truth when I saw the trailer I was expecting Sypha to have died and Trevor to be pulling her out of hell by fighting death, but this still worked really well and was perhaps a bit more logical to the canon they set.

Death is temporary, Dracula is forever With all the attempts to revive Dracula one had to work eventually. But back at Season 3 I'm sure we all thought about what would Dracula's reaction be anyway. I mean, yeah he's dead but his wife is there, you really wanna be the guy who ripped him from his wife a second time? It worked though because the people loyal to Dracula never truly understood his grief, they only wanted to further their own agendas through him. So when Dracula does come back in the final scenes with his wife, we see that Vlad Tepes is no longer the vicious killer he once was, not for now anyway. Reviving Dracula may make people think that Trevor and Sypha's actions in Season 3 and 4 were worthless because he still revives but you do have to remember that they do still save a few lives and make a few less night creatures. In addition if they want to expand the universe long into the future they can bring Dracula back in older and disillusioned again if they see fit.

He has many faces, but you still know him At about episode 8 I was really ramping up to tear into the Alchemist and Varney for being practically useless characters, but then the show went and hit me with a great twist by having both characters being guises of Death itself, the proper big bad of the season. It was a fantastic twist which validates the characters, because it was super suspect that the alchemist know where the girl was and said you can't look at her rebus, and that Varney felt like a beta Godbrand but still managed to slither away from the fights. His design was excellent too, the crown was really menacing.

A Surprise Happy Ending! Like, could any of us imagined that? The fight ends, Trevor and Sypha live happily to make a family, Alucard has his friends, a girlfriend and a community that appreciates him, Isaac has his own kingdom, Hector doesn't get the girl or a finger but he still has his freedom, Striga and Morana have each other, it mostly wrapped up very neatly and was earned, a satisfying end which closes the chapter on our trio.

Conclusion

It is sad to see great shows end, Castlevania's use of anime-style animation with gore and a strong voice cast has done extremely well, especially for a show who only got 4 episodes for a first season. It did feel like Netflix didn't give it a chance, but it pulled it off big time and escaped Netflix's cancel hammer long enough to bring a satisfying story, and one can hope we see more of this style and universe either in more Castlevania stories or even the rumored Devil May Cry adaptation.

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veliseraptor · 4 years

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Down in the Yi City Pit: A Recs Post

So as anyone following me may have noticed, I’ve been spiraling ever deeper into a pit called Yi City Feelings. I’m down at the bottom and I’m still digging. This also means I’ve been doing a lot of fic reading, and I figure it’s about time that I wrote a recs list, since I said I’d do it and some people expressed interest.

Heads up that I am a dirty Xue Yang stan first and foremost, so this list is going to skew in, uh, that direction. Just so we’re all aware.

Divided these into canonverse recs and modern au recs, since apparently this is the only thing I’ll read modern aus for! It’s a brave new world out here.

Also like. blanket warnings across the board here for The Inherent Dubiousness of Xue Yang/Xiao Xingchen as a Pairing, Generally. I’ll offer more specific/major ones as they’re relevant/I remember, but please check the tags/authors notes as well.

CANONVERSE

lover to your nightmare by Zaatar (@ameliarating) . Xue Yang uses Xiao Xingchen getting sick as an opportunity to fuck around a little. Second person POV sickfic, except XueXiao flavored sickfic which means it’s messy and full of good things like “delirium” and “people taking advantage of other peoples’ confusion and disorientation to mess with them psychologically.” This fic also does the thing I love really well where Xue Yang’s internal monologue/self-justification is full of indications that he’s having Feelings that he neither recognizes nor acknowledges. Crunchy, delicious.

Samsara / 輪迴 by ForgivenMemes. Upsetting fic full of every content warning ever alert! (Off the top of my head: violence, rape, suicide, self-harm.) I keep going back to this fic and rereading it because it hurts so bad and I love it, because it hurts in the best worst self-sabotage recapitulating-mistakes-over-and-over way. Like, I am a sucker for a time loop fic always, and usually I read them as a route to fixing things - but honestly I’ve always loved the part of time loop fics that’s “everything getting worse first.” And this is a whole fic of “everything getting worse.” Aka, the one where Xue Yang has thousands of chances to get it right, but there’s no getting it right.

compromise by Sectionladvivi. Xiao Xingchen convinces Song Lan and Xue Yang to kiss. (aka, obviously Yi City AU where Song Lan gets folded into things, Xiao Xingchen still doesn’t know about Xue Yang being Xue Yang, and an uneasy detente where the two of them don’t touch each other gets interrupted by Xiao Xingchen Wanting Things, which is, of course, a priority always).

til dawn by Sectionladvivi. Xue Yang takes care of Xiao Xingchen’s body after his death, and mind the tags. This is that perfect Yi City level of “horrifying and also very sad, I feel bad for my boy but also he is sort of defiling a corpse (though it is just kissing).” This might not sound like a recommendation but it is absolutely a recommendation.

Our Antebellum Innocence by spockandawe (@spockandawe). First time XueXiao. Xue Yang lays the groundwork for his first time with Xiao Xingchen with meticulous care. This author always delivers, both in terms of excellent porn and in terms of characterization, and this is no exception.

life’s illusions I recall by Sour_Idealist (@souridealist). The basics of this fic is just “outdoor sex at a river” and it is delicious for that, but what I love about it in particular is this author’s Xue Yang voice. It’s always good (they are the genius behind the incredible Jiang Yanli/Xue Yang fic - no, really), and this is a fic I come back to a lot for that reason. I also love the tag “two characters experiencing two very different fics” which feels like a very apt description for the XueXiao dynamic, generally speaking.

Selenographia by lightningwaltz. A lovely, short-ish fic about the Yi City years. I don’t feel like I have a good description for this one - it’s just one of those beautiful character/moment portrait pieces, very well done.

Stories from A Lonely City by blackwatervial. A series of snapshots/vignettes from the three years in Yi City. Sweetness, bittersweetness, and of course, ultimately, a sad end. This was one of the first Yi City fics I read.

yi city depression hours by glueskin (series). Just. You know. Some feelings. There’s two fics in this one, both short character study type fics making me feel feelings.

a bird caught in this winter blizzard by cherriru. I do love a good grief/mourning fic, especially featuring someone realizing slowly the sheer miserable depths of their fuck-up. Aka, Xue Yang after Xiao Xingchen’s death. It’s just sad.

all I ever knew of love by Sour_Idealist (@souridealist). See what I said above about the Xue Yang voice and this author; this one also featuring blistering hot porn (first time), a little light praise kink, and huddling for warmth as an excuse for sex. It’s a perfect blend of filth and tenderness and I love it.

revelations wallet wood burn art by Sectionladvivi. This one describes itself in the summary as “grim pwp” and yeah, that fits (and also! is such a XueXiao vibe, whoop whoop); it’s based off the simple premise of ‘Xue Yang tells Xiao Xingchen who he is, in the middle of sex.’ Honestly, one of my favorite things about this fic is the ending, which is horrifying in the best possible way.

Your Heart Inside My Hands by williamshooketh (@ectoplasm-james). This fic is fabulously made for me in the specific subgenre of “Xue Yang thinks he knows what he is getting into when having sex with Xiao Xingchen and, it turns out, does not.” This one featuring some of my favorite things including praise kink and Xue Yang getting extremely fucked up by someone being very nice to him.

Sleep Until the Sun Goes Down by spockandawe (@spockandawe).��Love me some Xiao Xingchen seducing Xue Yang with candy. First time fic, second person POV, absolutely delightful.

pass the time by short_tandem_repeats (@yiling). A-Qing and Xue Yang bonding hours. I am actually such a sucker for their weird relationship (I don’t poke at it enough in my own stuff, should work on that) and the way they recognize each other in ways that Xiao Xingchen doesn’t, and also a-Qing having to reckon with the ways in which she’s more like Xue Yang than like Xiao Xingchen. Just a very good fic with a delightful a-Qing.

Three Springs by Verbana. Just a really excellent Xiao Xingchen POV of the three years in Yi City and a developing relationship between Xiao Xingchen and Xue Yang. Beautifully written, a lovely escalation, and I’m absolutely delighted by the gentle loneliness of the Xiao Xingchen POV here.

Red Azalea by CeNedraRiva (@cenedrariva) (WIP). A longfic in progress following the continuing adventures of the Yi City Crew after Xiao Xingchen survives his suicide attempt and Xue Yang reconsiders some life choices. Recently got tag-updated to SongXueXiao which has me absolutely thrilled. Updates every Wednesday.

ephemeral by im_krying (WIP). Xue Yang, traveling around wearing Xiao Xingchen’s face, decides it is time to go looking for the last remaining part of Xiao Xingchen that he doesn’t already possess. That is to say, the eyes in Song Lan’s head. I’m really curious where this is going - it smells up my alley at this point though it’s been a bit since the last update.

Heaven Has a Road But No One Walks It by Silvestris (@silvysartfulness) (WIP). Things I love: beating on Xue Yang, SongXueXiao, terrible road trips, fix-its where there’s a lot of suffering involved. Things this fic has: all of the above. I’m in love.

MODERN AU

(There are other recs to this one but for various reasons (pwp reasons) triggered my self-consciousness slightly too much to put on this post. Go check my bookmarks, you’ll find stuff there.

Most of these are PWP to greater or lesser extents (Rewritten and Misalignment are, I’d say, the exceptions); all very hot and fantastically written.)

circling like vultures by brawlite (@brawlite) (series). Truly quality porn, featuring mostly Xue Yang/Song Lan both pining for Xiao Xingchen, which is a thing that it turns out I really like. The sex is rough and mean and I’m really into it. (Okay, mostly the sex in the first one is mean, the second one is actually XueYao, and the third one is actually verging on nice. Wow! Growth. Anyway, it’s all very good and very My Scene.

Rewritten by incendir (series). This series is like. Everything I want from a modern AU and that was true even before the most recent fic gifted me a beat up Xue Yang suffering, so you know. I don’t have a good summary for this series other than that it’s basically a married Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen adopting Xue Yang as a third partner and it’s just. So well done, such good writing, such good characterization, I would read 20,000 more words of this and probably still be hungry.

catalyst by Ajaxthegreat. If there is a porny fic I’ve reread more than this one, I’m not sure what it would be. I’ve reread this one a lot. It’s very good. It’s very hot. I’m trying not to be self-conscious. SongXueXiao first time rough sex and boy is it tasty.

biting the bullet by Sectionladvivi. Xiao Xingchen doesn’t want to have to choose between his two boyfriends and so he doesn’t. Sectionladvivi in general writes some very sexy modern au PWP (including a few different Xue Yang/Lan Wangji fics which...didn’t see that one coming! But it works when they do it), so general rec for author but this one (as, you know, SongXueXiao porn), is one of my favorites, probably.

sxx configurations by rynleaf (series). This is a SongXueXiao series on AO3 based off of @kevinkevinson‘s modern reincarnation AU and I am in love with both the art for that AU (go look!) and these fics, they’re so good, I’ve reread several times.

Misalignment by Kasasagi (WIP). The one with a reincarnated Xue Yang and a Xiao Xingchen who arrives in the modern world from the past, fresh off his suicide.

And Once Again, if I’m Allowed to Rec My Own Fic

a kindness you can’t afford. Early days in Yi City after Xue Yang wakes up.

lick your exit wounds. I wanted canonverse-era bottom Xue Yang praise kink, so I wrote it for myself in the hopes others would also find this an interesting prospect.

this place could be beautiful. Xue Yang vs. domestic living.

tear out all your tenderness. Xue Yang gets turned on by murder and makes it a project to get Xiao Xingchen to lose control.

the beauty of your repair. PWP, modern AU SongXueXiao; there’s not an inkling of plot here, it’s really just an excuse to get Xue Yang wrecked, but nicely.

#finally posting this!!!#yi city crew #fic rec #song lan #xue yang #xiao xingchen #i'm sure i'm missing things but there's only so much i can do #xuexiao #songxue #songxuexiao

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time-to-write-and-suffer · 3 years

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I wouldn't mind that post on VNs!

So I was gonna write three different lists, but then after writing the first part I realized this is very long and takes a while to write and nobody cares anyway so I’ll just post my recommended list only. Well, I mean, you asked, but I doubt you wanted all this lol. Thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about this stuff, though. Hope you enjoy my ramblings!

An explanation for what this list is: Sometimes I know a game isn't perfect in many aspects but I still had a genuinely good time playing it, hence why I'm recommending it. Also I should mention that I could talk for hours about some of these games so if anyone’s curious about more of my thoughts, let me know.

Alright, now that that's out of the way ...

How to Take Off Your Mask / How to Fool a Liar King / How to Sing to Open Your Heart (f/m): This is a trilogy of smaller, single-RO games where you can take one of two routes depending on how you act, and they’re all interconnected where you get to meet and interact with the previous games’ characters in the sequel games. I went into this expecting very little but what I got blew me away with how funny, charming and cute the games were. They don’t take themselves too seriously, at one point an angsty male character monologues deeply about some shit, and another one just slides into frame and starts mocking him. It was so fucking funny, holy shit. Also, a central theme is literally racism against catgirls? Which is monumentally stupid, and probably the games’ main flaw, especially in the final game where it pairs up a catgirl with a catgirl racist, but that one still ends with a literal bisexual queen literally making a man her malewife because she fell in love with his cooking, so like ... It speaks for itself. My favorite game of the three is the second one, where you get to play a punchy fake catgirl and romance a pink-haired prince. And honestly, all the female protags in these games are lovely and a breath of fresh air, and the male characters are fun and not abusive assholes either. There’s full Japanese voice acting, and two out of three female protags are literal catgirls who pepper in “nya” and “mya” into their dialogue, and it’s just treated as a quirk of their catgirl race. I AM NOT KIDDING. Yet somehow it never comes off as cringe, because it doesn’t take it self too seriously. These games are just cozy. That’s the only way I can describe them. Cozy and hilarious. Play them yesterday. Dream Daddy (m/m): Man tumblr did this game dirty. This is just a cute, wholesome daddy dating simulator with gorgeous art. Coming out on Top (m/m): So you know Dream Daddy? What if it was EXTREMELY, MAJORLY NSFW? Though I realize how bad the comparison really is, the only thing these games have in common is that they’re gay dating sims and don’t have an anime art style and oh, yeah, they’re both really well-written. Or at least, extremely funny. COOT (heh) is DDADDS’ horny older cousin, and I first encountered the game on a lesbian letsplayer’s YouTube channel. Yes I watched a lesbian play a gay porn game and it was GOOD. I was there for the cringe and fun and got surprised by how genuinely funny and sometimes actually touching the game was. I can’t give it my universal endorsement because it’s not a game for everyone, as I said, it’s extremely NSFW and the menu theme literally includes the singers screaming “SEX SEX” at the top of their lungs. There’s more to this game than the porn, but there’s just so much porn. It can be censored in the settings but it’s unavoidable. However, I still think it’s worth a look just because of how funny it is and how charming the characters are. If you don’t want to play it yourself, at least watch Anima’s playthrough of it. It hasn’t aged super well in some spots but I still go back to it every now and then. Akash: Path of the Five (f/m): This game markets itself as a more “professionally produced” western dating sim, and that’s accurate in some superficial aspects. The game is pretty poorly written, but it’s absolutely gorgeous and has really good English voice acting by actual professional voice actors. The premise is quite self-indulgent, but I genuinely respect that about it. You play as the only female elemental in a village with only men, and all five of your classmates want a piece of you. It’s clear the writers have put some thought into the lore and worldbuilding of this world, but barely any of it comes through in the actual writing and plot, which is basically just a vehicle for you to get together with your boy of choice. The ROs aren’t very well-developed either, and the plot is the same in every route with only minor variations depending on which guy you pick, up to the point where the protag has the same voice lines in some parts regardless of which guy she’s talking about. It also has one extra half-route that’s so bad and pointless I genuinely wonder why they wasted resources on making it instead of spending a bit more on the writing/adding some variations to the main plot. So why am I recommending this game? Well, it’s pretty, and it sounds nice. This game is a himbo, gorgeous but dumb as rocks. Enjoy it for what it is. I know I did. Get it when it’s on sale, I think if I hadn’t gotten it at half-price I would’ve felt a bit more cranky about it. Also Rocco is bae. Mystic Destinies: Serendipity of Aeons (f/m): Yes that’s the full title, no I don’t know what it means either. You may have noticed how most of the games so far I’ve enjoyed because they don’t take themselves too seriously? Well, this one does. It takes itself SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY. Like, way too seriously. It’s a little embarrassing at points because baby, you’re an urban fantasy dating sim. Calm down. But the game has gorgeous art and 3 out of 5 routes are very good. The last route, the one with your teacher, is both the most problematic yet somehow the one that breaks down the very concept of a dating sim within its own narrative (yes, this shit gets fucking META) and it got so wild at the end that 1) I still listen to the soundtrack for that route and 2) I still remember it to this day despite finishing it ages ago. My favorite route is Shou, he’s a sweetheart, but the mindfuck route is so buckwild that I think the game is worth playing just for that. There’s also a route that’s like a neo-noir mystery? I Do Not Know. This game is many, many things and it does them so sincerely and tries so hard, you can’t help but respect it. It doesn’t always stick the landing but man, just let this thing take your hand and wax poetic at you for a bit. Also get this one at a sale because it’s very expensive to get the full version. I got it for 9 bucks on itch.io and I felt that was a fair enough price, I’d say I wouldn’t have minded paying more for it because there’s a lot of content to enjoy and/or be baffled by. Arcade Spirits: This one’s a bit more weird from what I recall, and I honestly couldn’t tell you much about it, but I remember having a very good time with it and recommending it to a friend when she was going through some tough times and she said it made her feel better. I remember it making me feel better, as well. This is a VN about an arcade and the ROs are wonderfully diverse, with very real human conflicts that get explored in each of their routes. It can get quite existential and heavy at times, but in the end it’s a kindhearted game that I think everyone can enjoy. The main character was also, how you say, mood. It’s a game about getting possessed by a video game and then learning self-love. Ebon Light (f/m): This one’s free/name your own price on itch.io so go play it. It’s a weird plot where you play as a girl who ate an elven relic? And then the elves kidnap you because you’re the relic now. All the ROs are extremely pasty (like, literally white, as in literally the color white) dark-haired elves, except for one, who’s an extremely pasty blond elf, so ... diversity? I honestly don’t know what this game is aside from unique. I used to be a bit put off by the art style but now I think it contributes to the general atmosphere. It’s a weird game that technically doesn’t do anything groundbreaking but still left an impression of “huh. weird” in my mind and I think more people should play it. The ROs are all pretty generic dating sim archetypes but done well, with bonus points to Duliae who’s just a massive creep and I love him, and also Vadeyn who’s the only bitch in this house I respect. The worldbuilding is honestly a bit buckwild and I can’t give enough credit for how unique the elves’ culture is in this game. Definitely give it a go. Hakuoki: Kyoto Winds / Hakuoki: Edo Blossoms (f/m): These two are newer releases of an older Japanese visual novel. I wouldn’t call it a dating sim, it’s ... it’s more of a super depressing historical fantasy epic with some minor romance aspects awkwardly wedged in. It’s seriously some of the heaviest and most grimdark shit I’ve ever played in a VN/otome. I don’t understand why it’s a dating sim, it doesn’t read like one, it’s just historical fantasy based on real world events with characters based on real people, and they kill and they die and they grieve and they suffer. The games are literally about the downfall of the Shinsengumi, there’s no way of avoiding everything going to shit and you get to watch and be in the middle of it all as they struggle to stay alive and relevant in a world that doesn’t need them anymore. And there’s the protag in the middle of it all, being useless and submissive and bland just the way the usual otome protag is. I don’t think these games are necessarily fun, and the romance is certainly a lot more downplayed and deeply problematic just based on the age differences alone with some of the men, but the sheer amount of horror and sadness in these games make them stand out above its peers. It’s like watching a war movie. Since most of the characters are based on real people, they feel like real people instead of the usual otome archetypes, and they are so, SO flawed, it’s interesting to just watch them deal with the shit the world throws at them. It’s an Experience, and if you’re up for it, I think it’s worth the time. Cinderella Phenomenon (f/m): This game is free on Steam so go get it. You play as a really, genuinely shitty princess who gets cursed to be poor and forgotten and she has to help one of the ROs break his fairy tale curse so that she can learn about being a good person herself and return to her normal life. This game doesn’t look like much, but it has a genuinely well-written main character who’s actually at the center of each of the stories and in the overarching plot instead of just being around to make eyes at the real protagonists, aka the love interests. Aside from the main character, my favorite part of this game’s writing is how each route slowly but very smoothly expands upon the overarching intrigue. If you play them in a certain order, you get more and more info revealed to you that you didn’t see in other routes, gaps are filled in as you find out more about what actually happened and why, but every route also stands on its own as a full experience and none is more canon than the rest. There’s also some really heavy emotional parental abuse explored, which I found quite potent at times. The romances themselves were alright, I think Karma and Waltz were my faves.

#eff plays

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zirkkun · 4 years

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I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

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ikemen-bully · 5 years

Text

The Heroine’s Importance

I already posted this on my main blog but now that I have blog exclusively for otome game I rather keep it there.

Back then when Utapri and Hakuouki were the notorious reverse harems of their time, their heroines were as hated as the anime was loved. A weird phenomenon since they’re… the heroine of those shows.

Haruka Nanami was even the driving force of the show. In Utapri, which was an anime about music, she was the one with the idea that the boys should come together and become idols. She’s the reason why STARISH exists in the first place.

For Hakuouki, the case was a bit different. It was a historic anime where the warriors of the Shinsengumi were changed into bishonen (a bit in the similar fashion that Ikemen Sengoku is today) and even if it followed some real events, a plot about human experimentation and oni was also included.

In this story Chizuru Yukimura wasn’t the responsible of the Shinsengumi, but we could see the story through her eyes and assisted the evolution of the story through her.

Both did their job as the heroine. The story was enjoyable.

To me it was weird to try to dissociate the quality the anime with the quality of their heroine. If the heroine was this awful, how her presence didn’t ruin the anime for those who hated her?

Well obviously because of the boys, who were kind of the point of those anime. After all they were put forward, especially in Hakuouki, for a reason.

Still it was unfair to judge them so cruelly, so today in fandom, this behaviour is criticized.

Now we even get positivity for the heroine, such as putting them on an equal foot as the boys! Which is great!

But is it true?

I thought about doing this post because I thought of a short-lived trend in anime which revealed a certain behaviour in both the creators of those anime and their fandom.

“The heroine matter as much as the boys”

The anime which started this trend in my eyes was Amnesia.

In this story the heroine wakes up without her memories and her soul linked to a fairy, Orion, which collided with her and made her lose her memories this way.

It had an original concept, stunning visual, wonderful OST (an opening by Yanagi Nagi!), it looked mysterious and I was very curious about it.

To my dismay, the anime was boring to say the least. And it wasn’t because it was a reverse harem so it was to be expected. Utapri and Hakuouki had their flaws but they weren’t outright uninteresting.

The problem that was the most noticeable was the heroine which didn’t even have a name or a personality.

So as the anime can make you guess, the heroine has amnesia. She’s lost at the beginning of the anime, making this premise interesting. After all when a character has amnesia, one of the points of the story is to make them recover their memories.

Which means that the heroine will be a very important character, even more since everything is from her POV! Right? Right?

The heroine doesn’t evolve throughout the story. She’s merely there for the boys to be in love with her past self, the one before she had amnesia and even if she cares for them (as a heroine always has to do) she doesn’t really love any and just adapts to the one she’s supposed to love in the animated route.

I can’t say that the heroine of Amnesia is badly written since she’s barely written at all. She’s there to support the boys and forgive anything which happens to her. For example being harassed or get sequestrated in a cage :

Even in this situation where the love interest keep her in a cage, she care more about how much he does that to “protect her” :

.Except to protect herself from direct danger (and even like this she needs Orion to tell her to be careful because she can’t think for herself), she doesn’t care about her own well being as much as a normal human being would.

Brothers conflict have a simpler plot where the heroine’s father marries a woman who has 13 sons, making her their only step sister.

Different conflict with the brothers will arise and it’s already challenging to try to develop the characters when there’s 13 of them. With only 12 episodes, not all of them will fall in love with Ema? the heroine, but enough of them will, to make it as confusing as possible.

In this anime we meet the same kind of heroine as Amnesia, where the heroine doesn’t have much personality for herself. Or at least, the only noticeable personality traits of Ema is to love having a family which she will repeat at any given opportunity.

I really hated the guys in this anime for how egotistical they were as soon as they fall in love. Once again the heroine doesn’t crush on anyone, making them all forceful toward her.

Despite this, the heroine would somewhat express that she doesn’t want her relationship with them to turn romantic.

If anything the heroine’s main presence will be about how uncomfortable she is that her brothers try to seduce her.

But again, what matters the most is that they love her, not that she doesn’t return those feelings back and she even gets depressed over it :

A revelation is made about the heroine which will make her depressed about the whole situation, especially that her brothers fight over her.

But it won’t be used to develop her as a character or to make them aware of it. It’ll be used for a romantic moment with one of her love interest, who will kiss her even if he know how much it disturb her :

The heroine is kissed multiple times by attractive guys yes, but who she doesn’t love and explicitly rejects at the end of the anime.

And even if she gets kissed, the heroine is just worried about the situation of the family, not how herself is treated by them. She never says, “what about me? Why are you kissing me when all I want is for you to stop?” or anything similar. She cares about them more than she cares about herself.

And even though she’s supposedly uncomfortable by their behaviour, she doesn’t seem like that most of the time, just enthusiastic about having a family as usual.

At the end of the anime, a lot of people were upset that the heroine didn’t choose anyone. Why would she have to when we see how the guys act?

The behaviour of the boys

A thing that we can notice in all of this is that sometimes, the guys can be really awful to the heroine but as she doesn’t care about herself, she won’t hold any mistreatment toward her person against any of them. For example at the end of brothers conflict even when she reject one of the guys, “no” doesnt mean “no”.

But why are they authorized to be egoistic and possessive without any consequences? In brothers conflict, one of the guys even tries to rape her in her sleep and blame her for that :

But again despite this, I’ve never seen hate against this character, while, like it always happen, a lot of hatred is directed to Ema.

The guys are never hated for their actions because everything they do is depicted as being romantic (even if it definitely aren’t like the scene above) and it’s motivated by their love or their pain anyway.

“Love make them go crazy” because, after all, they can’t help it, they love the heroine so much that some accidents are bound to happen, like trying to undress her in her sleep or keeping her in a cage for her own good :

It’s just an accident! They can’t help it!

But sometime it can perfectly be a conscious choice but again, not shown as being cruel.

The last anime which has this tendency to not develop their main character at all was Diabolik Lovers, where Yui Komori gets stuck with 6 sadistic vampire who abuse her daily.

We enter in the kink theory here, and being masochist and finding the idea of bitten hot isn’t a problem. The problem is that in the story, Yui is blocked in this place and she obviously doesn’t enjoy to be the playthings of those men :

Each time she is bitten she expresses that she wants it to stop. But they don’t care. Because in Diabolik Lovers, Yui isn’t their love interest but their prey.

Again we have the same problem as the other heroines where she has no real personality beside caring about the boys above herself. In this case it’s even worse because the guys are predators who will hurt Yui without any second thoughts, but she acts like they are acquaintances . Despite all the abuse she goes through at their hands she goes to them to casually start a discussion which will always end up with her being abused :

The last time she interacted with him let’s see what happened :

Once again there’s a priorities on her interacting with the boys rather than making her behavior have any sense.

What is weird with this anime, in particular, is how much the heroine is blamed for not fighting back…while she can’t. They overpower her anyway.

But the guys aren’t hated for acting this way in the first place. Isn’t it odd? Yui is victim blamed and even if she suffers, we’re never shown the real impact that such daily abuse would have on her. She even worries about them at the littlest injury they can have :

While they’re the one hurting her :

Or if they ever care about her wound it’s because someone else did it to her and they feel entitled to her body, so they want to fight the other person :

Despite the statement that they’re equal, in anime such as these it’s not the case because the guys are given excuses for their bad behavior, while the heroine has to deal with it and put them above herself.

Still, they’re supposed to be equal so despite everything the heroine can end up to be liked… but in this context it is weird.

In the case of Yui who cares about her abuser no matter what, she gets praised for caring about the guys :

She cares about them without real explanation because all the interaction with her in the anime lead to abuse at some point. It can be the Stockholm Syndrome but it’s not depicted as anything else other than your usual heroine caring about the people around her, even if they abuse her.

As such, people tend to praise her for what she’s designed to do : putting them above her.

She even gets shipped with those who torment her and the self destructive attitude she has to help them no matter how much they hurt her is glorified.

If she is loved, if she matters, why should she be paired with those who hurt her the most?

They don’t lash out to her because they’re upset, it’s a behaviour that they consciously do like above with the cage. You can’t possibly “accidentally” put someone in a cage because you’re “protective”.

But at the end even if the heroine “matters as much as the boys” there’s a priority on them being healed by her rather than her own well being. Even if Yui gets traumatized, it doesn’t matter as much as the trauma of the guys and her neglecting herself for one of her abusers who won’t even care about her happiness, since all they want is to have her.

In the same way, it doesn’t matter that the heroine of Amnesia has been drugged and kept in a cage : Toma, the love interest, does it for her own good since she’s getting harassed and we have to be sad about how much he becomes insane for her sake. We shouldn’t worry how horrific the situation is for the heroine but try to understand him.

For Ema, we have to care about how much the guys have fallen for her and how much it puts a toll on them that she doesn’t reply to those feelings. It doesn’t matter that she shown no desire to be with any of them since the beginning, even when she finally rejects them, they can kiss her because they matter the most.

And in fandom space, her importance is still limited to her catering to the boys, and even if it’s supposed to be mutual love, they never care about her feelings to the point of respecting her.

It doesn’t matter what they do to her, she has to care for them despite anything. Those heroines are written as such, and the fandom accepts them this way too.

She doesn’t matter as much as they do, because if she was, her feelings would matter and she wouldn’t be written as being “caring” at the expense of herself.

You can say that since she’s the heroine, it’s normal that she cares about the boys, since the point of reverse harem is to have attractive boys first. And I would agree with that if it wasn’t so exaggerated.

Now not all reverse harems are written this way. There’s actually reverse harems where the heroine matters as much as the guys.

For example in Dance with Devils, Ritsuka, the heroine, constantly searches to know the truth which is hidden from her. It can seem foolish since it mostly puts her in danger though.

But to this, she also get rightly upset when one of the guys try to seduce her and something literally inexistent in reverse harem, she can even slap him for his misconduct! :

She can even get depressed about how manipulated she ends up to be. For this reason, she end up lashing out at one of the guys :

Her emotions matter and you have to remember that Dance with Devils was out around the same time than the second season of Diabolik Lovers :

The heroine of the anime above never had the right to be sad about their situation, their feelings weren’t pushed forward. They have no right to be sad or upset, just kind and caring and nothing else.

At the end of the anime, Ritsuka even received hate for the choice because it was about herself, not about her love interest.

Amnesia, Brothers Conflict and Diabolik Lovers heroine’s exist only to care for the boys while at least the ones of Dance with Devils exist to have the guys attracted to her but also to pursue her own goals.

As such, it’s a mistake to say that all the heroines matter as much as the boys because it can be factually wrong in the way they’ve been created.

I don’t like that the heroines are automatically hated for being the heroine, but I don’t think it’s fair to praise them just for this reasons either.

They all have been written with different level of writing and for differents purpose, one of them being only there for the guys and not the other way around. For this reason, they should be judged differently, and people should accept that others will not like all of them.

Reverse Harem heroines are all different because the anime they are in have been done with different sake in mind. Reverse harem are like any other type of anime : with good and bad anime, good and bad protagonist.

And it would be better to accept this diversity than trying to frame all the heroine as the same.

Hopefully now the heroine’s tend to not be written that way anymore and tend to matter as much as the guys in the anime too.

#diabolik lovers #brothers conflict #amnesia memories #yui komori #ema hinata #heroine amnesia #Ritsuka tachibana #dance with devils

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