#am i ace? am i aro? yeah. also i have crushes on people sometimes and want to kiss them though

[carcinized]

the older & more mature i get the more i kind of settle into being percieved as cishet. this isnt at all shade to people who DO care, because its your identity and you get to care, but like for me there is sooo much power in not caring. and its kind of fucking awesome. im an undercover gay. need to know basis. not everyones business. im chillin

[hazelfoureyes]

Sending in anon because I'm a coward... 😩

I'm a new reader, and I just have to say-- your "a doe in fall" series is just... AMAZING!!

I could go on, and on and on about how much I love it. But what gets me the most is always Alastor's dialogue, because as someone who is also on the aro/ace spectrum, I just get it so much. Especially the subtle hoping that reader can like... Read his mind about how he feels for her, and the weird sort of stockholm syndrome we sometimes develop with ourselves after being alone with only our own company for so long, and it really is, lol, like you just get so used to being alone for so long because you know the idea people have of you, you can't truly live up to, so you don't want to "disappoint" them that you actually aren't like they are, so you just sorta... Keep them occupied at arms length-- Therefore you're forced to adapt to your company being the only love you have for a long time. it's like an obligation.

And when or if the special somebody who understands you comes along, you realize... "Wow, I've been living like this for so long, is this what it feels like to be loved and appreciated, in spite of my oddities, or maybe even in favor of them? Strange..."

Emphasis on the "strange" part because, when you're so deeply entrenched in your own soul, sharing your space for another almost feels more like learning how to swim rather than an instant "click", sparks, fireworks and whatnot. The excitement of the magical "other" has been long since drowned and snuffed out of you.

So, when this somebody who is similar to you, or just simply understands, doesn't try to change you or ignore you, but instead envelopes you and adores you, the appreciation is deep and overflowing. But there's a part of you always pinching your heart, a sort of awareness of something that isn't the case, wondering "Is this a dream? what if it is and I'll wake up and this is not at all what I was thinking?".

Haha... ANYWAY, sorry for the slightly morose and LONG read 😂 But I always think of how similar I am to how you write alastor and it's scary in a way, but comforting (especially since he's my first and biggest fictional crush) except in this case my profession would actually be burlesque. Especially since I work in the exotic dance world. It's fascinating being aro/ace in the SW world, I could go on forever- But yeah, I absolutely love your writing!! Makes me feel less alone in this world. Annnd surprisingly I always feel so sensual after reading, I love love love it!! Reading before work always gets me in the mood to dance and pretend I'm Y/N, lol!!

Much blessings ❤️❤️

*cracks knuckles* listen here babycakes, I eat this shit UP. Exploring Human Ace Alastor is my BREAD AND BUTTER. I go into ESSAYS in the AO3 comments in this 😂

you really understand, which makes me so happy and is confirmation I’m conveying him the way I want to.

Now I’m gonna ramble and echo you basically 😂

I really think Alastor (atleast in this story) feels that excitement and strangeness of how open he can be around Autumn (since she doesn’t have a proper name cuz she’s reader 😂). He’s a fish out of water despite the fact he’s actually being his most authentic self. Like you said, it’s new to him just to be … Alastor. To be honest and upfront. His normal operating mode has been so restricted for so long he’s struggling with how to be himself. And then that fear—- well what if I’m too much? What if I ruin this, when I finally have something worth keeping? He’s never gotten this far and the fear of losing that comfort is terrifying but so is the actual comfort itself. It’s new and foreign.

A deep uneasiness that’s if he fully embraces this he’s gonna just fuck it up and it’ll be his fault this time. Not a misunderstanding or misalignment of needs but a confirmation he wasn’t good enough anyway.

“it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all” he would say that’s bullshit

and because of the situations he’s been in before, he’s never gotten to actually explore physical intimacy in a “safe” environment. He was always going into interactions because he had to if he wanted to keep people around. It was a necessity, not something he actually sincerely wanted to participate. So he tried to keep them happy with other means of affection and intimacy to maintain some safe distance but eventually, always, things would fall apart. At a distance or up close.

that’s why that most recent part was called Learning. Alastor is trying new things to learn more about what he’s okay with or doesn’t care for even offering in the future. Autumn is learning (that night, tho she doesn’t understand it yet) that he’s still figuring out how to meet her halfway (even tho she’s not even asking for that) when he’s used to being forced to meet people where they are. And Detective Brady, of course, is learning he may have found motive for Tommy’s disappearance.

I’m really glad you’re enjoying his portrayal and that you’re resonating with parts of him! That makes my soul hum! 💖 your line of work mixed with your Aro/Ace-ness sounds like such an interesting conversation if we’re honest! That’s a small aspect I love about Autumn. She’s in this field that’s (wrongly) considered to be hyper sexual and full of air headed wanton whores, but she’s the first person to be like “oh! You aren't into this stuff. Let me adjust my expectations. I’ll ask for clear verbal consent, not initiate, and I’m totally okay with never fucking again if it’s for your love and company.”

I work in the SW industry in a sense (Personal Assistant) and one of my biggest pet peeves is all of the shit people project on SWers.

sorry for the essay I could talk about this for ETERNITY

omg and THANK YOU! 🥺💖💖💖💖

Referencing:

A Doe in Fall (Human Alastor x Burlesquer Fem Reader)

Part 1 - Pretty in Red smut💦 Part 2 - Liar smut💦 Part 3 - A Tragedy smut💦 Part 4 - Enough Part 5 - Too Much Part 6 - Learning smut💦

[silentwillowwhisperer]

!!!!

I can't believe I forgot what this week is!! It's bi week! Thank you, tumblr, for reminding me!

This is a really long post, feel free to just skip around if you want. I would definitely check out the links/video!

(Before I start talking, yes, I have done research and I will be providing a bunch of great articles about bisexuality.)

IF YOU ARE BISEXUAL AND/OR QUESTIONING, STEP ONE OF REALIZING YOUR SEXUALITY IS AKNOWLEDING THAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID!

I myself have this problem where I invalidate my own fears and insecurities because 'it could be worse' and 'I'm just being dramatic' and 'I should stop being such an attention seeker.'

Biphobia, especially the internalized kind, is VERY real.

NO, dating someone does not suddenly alter your sexuality. If you are a masculine-identifying individual dating a man, but previously identified as bisexual, you are still bisexual during the relationship too!

People will sometimes unknowingly invalidate bisexuality because they do not understand this. If you are an ally or hope to become one, please do some basic research before making assuptions.

I've found that reading books and articles that include bisexual representation are helpful when you feel particularly alone and when you are questioning yourself.

By the way, Bisexuality does not always mean that you only like male and female individuals! If you scroll down, there's more info on that in the article link titled 'bisexual vs pansexual.'

If you ignored everything else on this post, then pay attention here.

This is a helpful list of hotlines for queer and questioning individuals.

-

Ok sorry I got off topic. If you want to start with the basics, then maybe figure out what bisexuality is first?

What is bisexual? and What does it mean to be bisexual?

-

This next site is a wonderful place to look if you want more information on sexuality.

minus18.org These are usually more direct and a bit shorter than other articles.

Some articles from this site about bisexuality are:

Busting 7 myths about being bisexual and Bisexual vs. Pansexual

-

I think I might be bisexual (a colorful pdf complete with pictures.)

This one includes info on sex, safe sex, and healthy relationships. Those are things that I am not not at all knowledgeable about, so you'll just have to read the pretty article.

Am I bisexual? 9 signs you might be.

-

You don't have to be romantically attracted to someone to want a relationship! If you are not aware of the term queer-platonic relationship, a quick google search should clear it up pretty well.

Wanting a lifelong relationship is understandable, even if you identify on the ace/aro spectrum. These pictures sum it up pretty well.

This is an article from abc news about some queer-platonic relationships

This one is in first person : )

This is also in first person, I like this one the best.

-

Wait! What if you previously thought you were straight but now you have a crush on someone of the same gender?

You identify as straight but now have a crush on a girl and Woe is me! (That title is so funny to me.)

-

WikiHow!! Our savior and salvation. Yeah, sometimes I just give up and and look through these kinds of articles, because to be honest, they are pretty helpful. (Also the others can get really long.) Pictures too! It's a miracle!

How to tell your parents you are bisexual and How to tell your mom you are bisexual.

Because if you have a good relationship with your parents, then keep it!

-

Mental health and lgbtq

-

If you want to know a person's sexuality/pronouns/ learn more about their orientation, maybe just ask?

Seriously. Try ASKING.

-

Coming out. How terrifying. We're gonna need some links for that!

Coming out (For teens.) and Coming out to your parents

This one is a 44 page pdf of a coming out guide.

-

People erase my existence.

-

Being an ally! Allies are great! Allies are friends!

If someone comes out to you and Being an Ally to lgbtq people.

-

SCIENTIFIC QUEST TO PROVE BISEXUALITY EXISTS

-

How to express my sexuality. (I'm just gonna leave the google search here.)

-

Can you realize your sexuality at an older age? (yes.)

Myth of realizing you're queer 'too late' in life.

Oh look at that, I did not read this article, but I think it's got the jist of it.

You may also have my google search.

-

And another pdf: A closer look bisexual transgender people.

I gave up on reading it, tell if it's trash and if I should delete it please?

-

BI PRIDE STUFF!!!!

(Brought to you by amazon because that place is magic.)

There's socks and earrings and shirts and flags and stickers and pins and underwear and EVERYTHING.

-

And last but never least, if you're not a reader, here is an animated video! It's great if you're like me and your attention span likes to turn off randomly.

-

Wow, my brain walked away halfway through that, I hope someone finds it helpful. The amount of links I had open just now was stressing me out.

Anyway.

HAPPY BI PRIDE!!!!

(week)

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pass out. : ) Good night.

[ilovedthestars]

i've gotten to a place where I am starting to feel like i'm interested in Being Out as Aro/Ace but i'm also realizing how much that's just...harder than Being Out as Gay was.

rambling under the cut, because it got long.

i'm sure part of this is still my internal hangups about not being sure, not being able to define my experiences as neatly as I'd like to, etc, but i feel like it also just...comes up less. like, i'm not gonna sit down everyone in my life and do an official Coming Out conversation. i didn't really do that the first time around, except kind of very awkwardly with my parents (blurted it out in the middle of a family activity and then hid in my room for the rest of the evening) (they were fine and i'd knew they'd be fine but it was still terrifying and also painfully awkward). i've always been the "i want to just bring this up casually and have it not be a big deal" kind of person when it comes to coming out.

and like, when i was IDing as...i keep wanting to say "queer" because that was mostly the label i used, but I was using it to mostly mean gay/lesbian, and it's not like i'm not queer anymore, so if i seem awkward about calling myself gay for clarity's sake that's why. when i was IDing as gay it was easy to just be like, haha, yeah, girls are so pretty, when it came up in discussion with fellow gay people. omg, she's gorgeous, i'm so gay, etc. those little social rituals sometimes felt shallow, but they were already in place, and there were ways for me to be like, hey, i see you, me too, and have that little queer joy bonding moment with someone else.

(sidebar: in retrospect, maybe the reason I never wanted coming out to be a Big Deal is that sexuality and romance have......never been a big deal to me. i didn't have the big dramatic crushes or a secret girlfriend or anything. i was just like, hey, girls are pretty, and assumed that would eventually translate into the desire for a relationship somewhere down the line. so far it hasn't, and i'm starting to think it might never. hence the internal crisis and the slowly accepting that i'm somewhere in the vicinity of aro/ace.)

but anyway, for coming out as aspec, those little rituals just...aren't there. the closest i've stumbled upon is listening to a friend talk about an actor's bone structure and going "i'm too ace for this," but that's a declaration I don't know if I feel comfortable making to anyone but a close friend right now. the fact that I'm not particulary GNC in my presentation and I don't think i read as "visibly queer" doesn't really help the feeling that, in conversations with a group of queer people, I'm not sure if I'm being seen as one of them.

like, it's not even the idea of coming out to people who don't know what aro/ace means that bothers me. (although thank god I never went thru all the drama of coming out to my extended family as gay, because walking that back would be awkward.) for most of those people I honestly don't care that much. i can just be like, nah, not really interested in relationships, and move on. it's the fact that I want to be part of queer spaces, and belong in them. and i feel like I don't fit into them the same as i did before.

it's a weird kind of invisibility.

this is mostly in my own head, I think. I haven't had any direct experience with aphobia, and it's not that i expect that kind of reaction. i just...want that laughter and little bonding moment with people. maybe that's it--not having met a fellow aspec IRL, that i'm aware of. i haven't had the "hey, I see you, me too."

I have been able to have that in online spaces. (a lot of you reading this have been a part of that. you know who you are, and i am so, so grateful for you.) but i'd like to be able to have it in the queer spaces i'm a part of in my offline life as well.

[tolkien-feels]

You know how you're aro-ace or queer (are you? Please, if I get your sexuality wrong I'm so terribly sorry, since I'm from a very practising Catholic family, yk, and I'm not very good with pronouns and sexualities), do you have those fangirly-feelings for fictional men/ people? Or do you just think of them platonically?

(Oh my god, I'm so sorry of this makes you uncomfy, I really am trying to find out how people of different sexualities feel like towards certain people (my family has a strict ruling on sexualities, yk, but they tell us to not to disrespect them))

Good on you for trying to learn directly from people who experience what you are curious about! That is awesome and not as common as I wish!

I am ace, yes, but I'm biromantic, so my answer will be (probably) very different from someone who is aroace. And I do very often describe myself as queer, a bit like sometimes I say I'm chronically ill and sometimes I say (specific diagnoses that I am Not sharing online) - "queer" is a useful shorthand for me.

I'll put this under a cut for length.

While it's an ego boost to know you think of me as someone friendly enough to answer your questions, I really want to make it very clear that this is how I personally feel. I can't speak for everyone or even for a majority of people. If you go around asking your friends what it's like to find someone sexually attractive, I'm sure you'll get many different answers - it's the same thing with romantic attraction.

Okay, so for fictional crushes - I don't particularly get them nowadays except very briefly ("Oh, this scene was very attractive! Okay, moving on." rather than "OH MY GOD I have a crush on this character!!!!"), but when, for example, I was a teenager, oh yeah, I got fictional crushes all the time!

This is difficult to explain because I don't fully understand sexual attraction, so it's hard to explain how what I feel is different from it. But while my friends used to talk about fictional crushes in terms of how hot they were or "why can't I find a person like this to make out with 😭" the way I experienced crushes was like... warm and fuzzy feelings and butterflies in my stomach and many "!!!!!!!" emotions while thinking about said fictional crush, but it didn't occur to me to want to make out with them, and if someone directly asked me about it, it was like "Ew, no, don't ruin it, I don't want That."

This is different from platonic attraction, which is "I want to be friends with them!!" To overshare - using the Lay of Leithian as an example because I've found out I'm remarkably consistent about it regardless of adaptations or versions of the story: would I go on a date with either Beren or Luthien? In a heartbeat. I don't have a crush on them (in that I don't particularly spend my time daydreaming about them), but if they were real and asked me, oh yeah, for sure, I do find them romantically attractive. Would I go on a date with Finrod, though? No, god, no. Wonderful character, would love to have him as my best friend, even, but I would have zero wish to do anything romantic with him if he was real. And it's not because I don't enjoy linking him to romance - I actively ship him with Amarie and can be persuaded to ship him with virtually anyone else. Shippability is different from "I personally find this character romantically attractive."

So yeah, especially when I was younger, I very much did get the experience of vibrating in a frequency that shatters glass while thinking about how attractive a character was, I just didn't get the "Oh, hot 😏" memo. I still actually regularly struggle to remember innuendo is a thing, because my mind very rarely goes there.

Also, since this is a Tolkien blog, let me share a very specific thing. You know this scene?

I have spent the past 20 years trying to understand what is hot about it. For me it's like, it's a scene. A cool scene, I guess, but there are so many cooler scenes. I literally don't get what people see in it? And so many people, too, so clearly there's Something hot about it, but I just feel confused? I have had so many conversations about it, but for me it's like saying "Actually, the most attractive character in the movies is Treebeard." I'm like "?????? Did I miss something vital????"

...I've spoken a lot and I'm not sure any of this was at all useful? But long story short, yes, I can be attracted to fictional characters, but I don't really find them hot. Aesthetically beautiful, yes, but not whatever weird thing people mean when they say someone is hot.

[desi-lgbt-fest]

Hi, before I start I just wanted to say please be gentle, I was so scared to send this as an ask! I'm sure you are lovely (I've seen posts so yeah) but yk, just making doubly sure.

I'm 14. I was questioning my sexuality and I hoped you could help out a bit. Ive never had a crush on anyone, boy or girl but I am easily able to find attractive characteristics in both. Ive ruled out aro, I would love to be in a romantic relationship one day. I haven't had much exposure to boys (all girls school) so I think that might also contribute to my lack of a crush.

I don't know whether this is an issue with sexuality or age, as I'm quite young maybe I should wait and see? I'm trying to be mature about it but it scares me sometimes that I might never fall in love...

Idk, any advice or help would be hugely appreciated! Thanks for all the work you do - most of my queer exposure came from u guys and I've learnt so much about the LGBT community. Blessings and best wishes!

-anon <3

Hello anon,

Yes. You are young. But you're still an individual person and if you think the tag of being a wlw or ace or bisexual helps you NOW, you can choose it. Stay true to yourself. The labels are bound to you, you are not bound to your labels.

And here's also something most people do not say- it's perfectly alright to stay confused for some time. There's no rush or hurry to find a label and stick with it. There's no great shortage, no deadline, no tax benefits that come by selecting and sticking with your label.

Figuring out your preferences and identity is a joyous moment. It should be a joyous moment, it shouldn't be something you want to get done and out of the way. Your feelings right now matter more than any identity you would give yourself.

If you have a crush on a girl now, great! See if she likes you back, see if you want to be in a relationship with her. Or if you just want to be her good friend. I'm sure it's exciting and exhilarating and slightly nerve wracking too!

Have fun and take care of yourself. There's no rush. Not when you're 14 or 40.

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

Idk if you’re familiar with the video games AI the Somnium Files, but to me Aiba and Mizuki have aro swag. Aiba is a robot character whose personal story revolves around her platonic love for her detective partner. We’ve met another robot character who is explicitly allo, so Aiba’s lack of expressed interest in that stuff isn’t just because she’s non-human. Her real interest is looking at cool bugs. Mizuki is a human, and expresses interest in having a boyfriend, but Aiba says she scares guys away and basically doesn’t even make an effort. There was a moment when it seemed like they might’ve been setting up another character as a love interest for her, but she responded to him in a more platonic way.

I’ve also been thinking about Kim from ML and the possibility of him being aspec. He does get crushes, but it kinda feels like he’s trying hard to wrap his head around his own feelings. Maybe the lack of screentime or even mention of Ondine is making me feel this way, but I feel like they’re not really dating dating, more like close friends who do romantic stuff sometimes. He might be greyromantic/sexual or something in the middle of the spectrum. Cue him realizing by talking about it with his ace and aro besties.

I'm not familiar with those first ones, but I really like the sound of those headcanons!! It's nice when there's a range of robotic and human characters all with a variety of reactions to romance, because to tell the truth I really love aro robot characters! But when there isn't that variety, it sometimes feels like the whole "aros are robotic and unfeeling" stereotype, which, while I totally do love to joke that I am indeed a robot, it kinda hurts when that's all we get. But yeah, those headcanons sound awesome, thank you for sending them to me!! Looking at bugs is an excellent interest tbh, who needs romance when you have cool bugs

And ASPEC KIM, HELL YES HELL YES! I love that so much!! Kim being greyromantic/sexual is a fantastic headcanon, and him talking about it with his aspec friends (since we know that Max is ace and Alix is aro) would be wonderful. Come to think of it, I think a few years ago I made some aro Kim headcanons or something, lemme see if I can dig them out...

Okay I found them!! I'm just gonna copy and paste them here

As any aro knows, in teenagehood it’s common to overcompensate the whole romance thing – I thought crushes were a thing you could pick and choose, so no wonder I thought I’d had a lot!

So Kim picks his “crush” to be on Chloé. After all, she’s super rich and super pretty, right? Why wouldn’t he crush on her? It would make sense!

When she gets him akumatized, it’s less because of the heartbreak and more because of how she humiliated him about it

“If I can’t have love then no one can!!” Dark Cupid was bringing out his salty aro tendencies without even realizing it

(he’s an expert at shooting arrows. the pun practically writes itself.)

Even afterwards, he’s still convinced he’s in love with Chloé, it’s easier than trying to pick someone new to crush on when he already put so much effort into telling himself he really does love her.

He doesn’t notice Ondine highkey crushing on him (for real) because he just doesn’t even think about romance most of the time, though he acts like he does to other people since he has a reputation to keep up

(he doesn’t notice Max’s crush on him either)

After Syren, he decides that he can stop crushing on Chloé and start crushing on Ondine now – after all, she already likes him, right? Wouldn’t it be so perfect?

He’s gone through life being so dumb and oblivious to things that it takes him forever to realize that no, other people don’t choose their crushes, it’s just a thing that happens

And then it starts occurring to him… wait has he never had a crush on anyone at all then??? does that explain why he never understood why Marinette acts so weird around Adrien??? why he suspects he doesn’t feel the same way about Ondine that she does about him??? why people were so surprised that he didn’t bother moving on from Chloé for so long??? why he scoffed that people were just making up the “butterflies in stomach” stuff etc to sound more grown up, and no one believed him???

When he’s turned back into Dark Cupid in Catalyst/Mayura, something just feels weirdly right about being a heartless heartbreaker, that in a weird twisted way he can be as salty about love as he likes and not have to worry about the consequences for a while

Because why should everyone else get to experience this supposedly magical mushy feeling, and not him?

Back as Kim again afterwards, he wonders if his brief time as Dark Cupid is affecting him or whether he was always this “heartless” (read: aromantic), and whether it’s a bad thing or not – like what if crushes are a smart people thing?? what if he’s not smart enough to have one??

His relationship with Ondine shifts into something comfortably platonic after he confides this in one of their secrets games, to his relief

Max is the one who suggests the words “aromantic” and “asexual”. Kim had been wondering about that second one too – as a hot jock, people seemed to expect him to act a certain way, think a certain way, feel a certain way, and he just… didn’t.

He and Alix end up being aroace buddies. In hindsight, he realizes why he found her loud complaints about romance to be oddly relatable.

[onstoryladders]

Hi, how did you know you were aroace? I'm pretty sure I am but I'm still not 100% sure. I hate dating, sex makes me hella uncomfortable, literally my ideal life is just me being alone lol.

I thought a lot about myself and my experiences growing up before I decided to use this label. I spent most of my teenage years thinking I was straight. I only ever got crushes on boys, but I never talked to them, and I was okay just crushing on them from afar. I could also get rid of my crushes pretty easily, so I never quite understood when other people said they couldn't do it lol

I've always been a hopeless romantic, but my idea of romance has always been weird, a little bit different from what other people seemed to be searching for. I loved romance stories but when it came to reality they all felt bland and boring. I also never felt like dating like other people did, the idea of having to see a person for so many days a week made me (and still makes me) feel almost claustrophobic. Like no thanks, just-- no lol

I only had crushes on people I didn't know or didn't know well, and even then, as soon as I so much as thought that the person liked me back, I stopped being attracted to them. Even more, my attraction turned into repulsion. The idea of concretizing my feelings nauseated me.

For the longest time I just thought there was something wrong with me. Then I searched online, found some aro content on blogs and some forums and YouTube. And I remember watching a specific video and thinking: uhhh, I can relate a little too much to this lol

But it took me some time to label myself. I had to ask myself some questions – about what I felt, and what I wanted, and what I thought I wanted only because it was “how life worked” and no one ever offered an alternative.

As for the ace part, I just never cared much about sex. When I was younger I was sex-repulsed, even sex-negative at times. Now I'm neither, but I still don't experience sexual attraction for people I am close to – only strangers (almost never) and celebrities (... all the time gdnrudgsy).

So yeah, this is my experience. Each individual in our community has their own, though, so I'm not sure you'll be able to relate to any of this. I think sureness is overrated anyway. I think that people can change sometimes, and that knowing yourself is a lifelong journey. It doesn't matter whether you're 100% sure of a label, because you can always change it in the future if it doesn't fit anymore, but the important thing is that it's comfortable right now.

So if thinking yourself as aroace makes you feel safe and comfortable in your skin... just do it 💚

Wishing you all the best, anon, mwah.

[cake-and-spades]

Tell me about internalized arophobia please, thanks

I have been struggling with putting down my thoughts/ feelings for this ask for months, and I finally just did what I do best and did some research. I looked up internalized homophobia and obviously not all of these will apply to arophobia (or to everyone) but it’s a good place to expand from!  I’m so sorry this took so long anon 😭

Bold text is taken from the Rainbow Project (LINK) with anything I added in plain text underneath.

Trigger warnings for things mentioned but not described in detail, take care of yourselves y'all:

homophobia / transphobia / biphobia / arophobia / etc

self harm

abusive relationships

drinking / substance abuse

suicide

pedophilia

(if I've missed any please let me know and I'll add them above)

01. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.

Fun fact: for the first like 2 weeks after I found out what aromanticism was I refused to identify as aro because of like, the crushing fear and disappointment and the belief I’d never be happy. And of course I *had* to experience romantic attraction some day, I just *had* to, *everyone* does. (Oof)

02. Attempts to alter or change your sexual your orientation.

Do I even need to explain this one? “Maybe if I just try hard enough I’ll start liking someone. Fake it till you make it, right?”

03. Feeling you are never good enough.

Personally, whenever I used to think about platonically dating people/ having nonromantic partner(s) I’d start getting down on myself and think “they deserve a Real (TM) partner, a Romantic (TM) partner, they deserve more than the disappointment I would be” or alternately, the thought that I’m disappointing my parents by not giving them a child-in-law & grandchildren

04. Engaging in obsessive thinking and/or compulsive behaviours.

Not sure exactly how this one could relate, perhaps in obsessively seeking out romance (in fiction or irl) or exposing yourself to it knowing it makes you uncomfortable ?

05. Under-achievement or even over-achievement as a bid for acceptance.

The whole who gets to be an "ally" because they aren't *really* LGBT+ comes to mind

06. Low self esteem, negative body image.

Self explanatory, but I will also add: not wanting to be seen as a Romantic Person, policing your actions and your body / body language so no one could ever see you as anything other than Platonic or friends with benefits. Disliking the parts of you that are typically coded by society to be "romantic" things.

07. Contempt for the more open or obvious members of the LGBT community.

Self explanatory but also: Gatekeeping. I’m thinking especially gatekeeping people who aren’t “aro enough” to be considered aro (you will always be "aro enough" as long as you ID as aro!)

08. Contempt for those at earlier stages of the coming out process.

Contempt for “cringey aros / aces who make the whole community look bad / childish / heartless” when they are just discovering themselves and having a good time (and many times are just kids)

09. Denial that homophobia, heterosexism, biphobia or sexism are serious social problems.

The thought: “Sure arophobia exists, but it isn’t a *real* problem like homophobia / transphobia / biphobia” Alternately: “yeah it’s not perfect, but it’s not like I have *real problems*”

Also a personal note: I didn't like. recognize that we live in an arophobic society? Like society definitely wasn't built for us but Baby Aro me refused to understand that.

10. Contempt for those that are not like ourselves or contempt for those who seem like ourselves. Sometimes distancing by engaging in homophobic behaviours – ridicule, harassment, verbal or physical attacks on other LGB people.

This one is similar to the ones above.

11. Projection of prejudice onto another target group.

Terfs, gatekeepers, etc

12. Becoming psychologically abused or abusive or remaining in an abusive relationship.

Self explanatory :( But especially: staying in a relationship even though it's hurting you, whether because of your partner or just because it isn't a good fit for you as an aro person.

13. Attempts to pass as heterosexual, sometimes marrying someone of the other sex to gain social approval or in hope of ‘being cured’.

Y’all ever faked a crush or just chosen one at random? Y’all ever dated someone you knew you didn’t “like” like while hoping you’d catch feelings someday or thinking it was like, the natural “next step” for your friendship? Y’all ever fear that some day everyone would find out you “”weren’t normal?”” Y’all ever cry bc you know you’ll never love a partner the way they’ll love you, because their love is “”more pure/ real”” or some bullshit???? It's the internalized arophobia 😌

14. Increased fear and withdrawal from friend and relatives.

"They won't like me anymore when they realize I'm not the same as them" "They'll see me differently" etc etc etc

15. Shame or depression; defensiveness; anger or bitterness.

Self explanatory :(

16. School truancy or dropping out of school. Also, work place absenteeism or reduced productivity.

Self explanatory, avoidance of problems and people

17. Continual self-monitoring of one’s behaviours, mannerisms, beliefs, and ideas.

This one seems like it would tie in with #6, specifically monitoring yourself for the Correct Amount of romance, even if you're faking it.

18. Clowning as a way of acting out society’s negative stereotypes.

I have nothing to add here

19. Mistrust and destructive criticism of LGBT community leaders.

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one askdjfdkj

20. Reluctance to be around or have concern for children for fear of being seen as a paedophile.

God I don’t even know why I have this specific internalized arophobia/homophobia. Like??? It doesn’t make sense from an aro perspective but boy do I got it. I love kids and I have an education degree, but am still constantly afraid people see me as a creep

21. Conflicts with the law.

22. Unsafe sexual practices and other destructive risk-taking behaviours-including risk for HIV and other STIs.

Lack of care and respect for self :(

23. Separating sex and love, or fear of intimacy. Sometimes low or lack of sexual drive or celibacy.

I mean some of this is natural and healthy for aros by nature of being aro, but fear of intimacy. Fear of being Known

These last two are self explanatory :(

24. Substance abuse, including drink and drugs.

25. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, death by suicide.

https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/

[the-jennnster]

I just sat and watched Being Not Straight and, on the one hand, as someone who discovered asexuality and aromanticism in early high school and found a lot of reassurance with that knowledge, I'm so happy that more people are becoming aware of aro and aceness and speaking about it and making more resources available so that anybody else wondering about why they don't feel attraction doesn't feel so alone, but... On the other hand

I do want to talk about the aro and ace spectrums a bit more, because often when people talk about being aro/ace, they forget the "little to no" part of the definitions, and the fact that they are spectrums rather than just one singular identity that is defined by non-attraction

Cause here's the thing

I'm demisexual and lithromantic, which are on the asexual and aromantic spectrums

Demisexuality is one of the more known sublabels of ace-- it means that you need an emotional connection before you experience attraction, falling under the grey-asexual umbrella, which is basically all the ace labels where "yeah, sometimes I do feel attraction, but most of the time I don't." I figured out I was demi when I was fifteen, thanks to a Tumblr meme and a comic, and it gave me a new sense of understanding for why I never really experienced crushes in the traditional way. I had crushes, but most of them were either manufactured (ie: I picked someone that was viewed as attractive either by my classmates or what qualities I personally liked and decided "yup that's a crush") or developed over a long period of time on someone that I enjoyed being around and wanted to get to know further (falling into a grey area of crush/squish, because I've gone on to figure out that I,,, have a very hard time parsing the different kinds of attraction, especially romantic vs platonic, so I'm hesitant to call those feelings when I was younger "crushes" when I was perfectly satisfied to just,,, be around them as friends, but that's a Different thing)

And I suppose that brings me to lithromanticism

Lithromanticism is an aromantic identity, also known as akoiromantic, in which you experience romantic attraction but have no desire for it to be reciprocated and, in some cases, may feel the attraction fade upon reciprocation (often, in my experience and research, accompanied by a feeling of nausea). This, alongside most other aromantic identities, is not very well-known in the queer community, and it's an identity that I struggled to come to terms with for a long time. When I first figured it out, shortly after I figured out I was demi, I actually had a panic attack, because I thought it meant that I would be alone forever, trapped in a constant cycle of wanting to be with someone but never being able to actually be with anyone. After developing a crush on my best friend in high school and quietly nursing it to avoid ruining that relationship, my confession to them resulted in us talking about lithromanticism and how my feelings for them were largely happy just being left as-is, in a close friendship, but I felt immense guilt hiding that attraction from them. It's been a couple years since then, and I've gotten a lot more comfortable with calling myself lithromantic (which, if you're of a linguistic nature, you might recognize as being derived from the Greek word for "stone", referring to the more commonly discussed stone butch lesbians who avoid sexual reciprocation and instead derive pleasure from satisfying their partners), but it's still been something I've struggled with.

The intersection of these two identities places me in a unique position when it comes to my relationship with attraction and queerness. For as long as I've called myself demi, I've also called myself bisexual. But I'm also aromantic in a way that makes any "romantic" relationships I'm involved in far from ordinary. Because I am in relationships, actually. Two of them, because I'm also polyamorous. And I was exceptionally lucky to find partners that understand that my experience with attraction is atypical and love me regardless, but once again, there's a lot of guilt involved.

Because a lot of the time, when people talk about being aroace, they talk about how freeing and/or lonely it is to not need/desire a relationship, ignoring the aros/aces who not only desire those relationships, but are in them. In the past, I've been accused of being aphobic for "shipping" an aroace character, despite the fact that being in a relationship perceived as (somewhat) conventionally allosexual and alloromantic while still being aroace is my own lived experience, and to this day, I feel guilty, as if I'm undermining my own validity for speaking out about it or trying to make my own representation.

But, to be honest, I need to get that guilt off my shoulders, because the truth is:

I'm aromantic and asexual. I have two amazing partners that I do romantic and sexual things with (and experience romantic and sexual attraction to!!). Despite what you may have been taught, neither of these things make me less aro or less ace-- it just makes me different.

So to any of the other aros and aces who feel a strange mix of validation and guilt when people come out as aroace or discuss what its like, because you still feel those things, just not the same-- you're not alone. You can still be happy, whether it's on your own or in a relationship. You get to make the rules about how you navigate your relationships as an aroace person, nobody else.

[chibinekochan]

Loving you- ft Asmo

Asmo with an asexual reader

They are not aromantic. 

So everything goes except doing the do. 

They aren't sex-repulsed either but it's a super rare occasion option for them. 

If I got anything wrong I gladly fix it. I'm not ace or aro. Maybe a bit demisexual but that's neither here nor there. 

Gender-neutral reader insert.

  Words 2k

Falling for you was certainly something new. Completely unexpected. 

Of course, Asmo has his fair share of crushes and romances. 

Love on the other hand? Well, he thought that he experienced love. At least until he met you. Until he fell for you. 

He didn't see it coming at all. All it needed was a little human with empathy, just the right amount of flirting and care. 

Asmo can only chuckle about how fast and hard you made him fall for you. 

Even now, where he is about to confess his feelings for you, he is uncharacteristically nervous. Some might even say insecure.

  Asmo can only shake his head at himself. 

Finally, you knock on his door, much like a little boy. He nervously opens the door.

  You probably would never even be able to tell how much his heart is beating for you. "Welcome to my humble room. Please come in and feel all at home." Asmo looks at you with a wide smile, practically beaming at you. 

"Thank you Asmo. You look great today by the way." You smile at him, admiring his new outfit. 

Asmo smiles at you. "Thank you very much. I see you wear the outfit we got together last time we went out." His heart fills with a great sense of pride. 

Your cheeks grow a bit hot. "I dressed it thinking it would make you happy." It's very cute to him how you can act so shy sometimes. 

"It really does." Asmo closes his door behind you. You don't know how truly happy he is seeing you in this outfit. Especially since it's only the two of you today. "Sit wherever you want."

Asmo knows you like to sit in random places, depending on your mood.

  "I see you redecorated, it looks very nice. I love the fairy lights." You admire the small changes in his room. 

"I'm glad you like it. I did it thinking of you. When Satan was here the other day he didn't even notice. Can you believe that?" Asmo shakes his head.

"That's very sweet of you and I guess Satan just has not the eye for such things." You shrug and find yourself sitting on Asmos bed. 

It's pretty comfortable.

"Oh, I got some new products we just have to try today." Asmo spots the small basket of things he put aside to try with you. It's funny how many of these he collects. Within days the basket is always filled. 

Asmo brings the basket over. With great interest, you look at the products. "Wow, I can't even recognize any of these brands. How did you even find these?" Your eyes sparkle when you see the unfamiliar items with funny demon names. 

"Hehe, that's a secret but it wasn't easy. Now the question is what should we use first?" Asmo somehow always finds himself thinking more and more about what kind of products would boost your natural beauty or health. 

Funny how being in love changed his way of thinking completely. 

You look at the items."I don't even know where to start. They all sound interesting. Like this bath bomb that is supposed to smell like a strawberry field and makes your skin smooth." 

Asmo nods in agreement. "I agree. There are face masks too. They are made from mineral earth only found in volcanoes in the devildom. They will make any demon look at least a thousand years younger. Not that we need that, but it's supposedly best to revitalize your skin." Asmo proudly shows you the package. 

"I wonder if that works for humans too but it sounds great. You know I had this bit of dry skin on my arm the other day. Do you have anything for that?" You always happily ask Asmo for advice. 

"Of course. I got a great moisturizer just the other day. Let me get it for you." Asmo is glad he picked it up. He grabs the bottle for you and sits down right next to you. 

"I will apply it for you if you don't mind." Asmo uses every chance he can to be physically closer to you. 

"Sure, go right ahead." You completely trust Asmo, you don't see him as just a friend but you know how important sex is for him. So you have never broached the topic of a relationship with him. Being mostly content with being just friends. Even when it hurts.

  Asmo rolls up your sleeve up and sees a small spot of dry skin on your upper arm. "Looks like someone has not applied an equal amount of moisturizer everywhere." He playfully scolds you and then uses some of the moisturizer on your arm. He slowly and carefully applies the cream to your skin. He enjoys having physical contact with you. Getting lost in the sensation of being so close to you. It's somehow very intimate, despite it being just applying the cream. 

You notice that Asmo is slowly but surely using the moisturizer on your entire arm. His touch feels very good but it also makes you a bit nervous. 

You tried and failed before coming out as asexual to Asmo. It scares you, knowing how much he loves doing sexual acts. You don't want Asmo to judge you or make fun of your feelings. Mainly you fear that he won't understand you or even worse that he will take a huge step back from you. 

It's pretty clear to you that Asmo is sexually interested in you. He has asked you to sleep with him before. Asmo is always alright when you decline. He honestly doesn't seem to mind and isn't pushy about it at all either.

  "Asmo there is something I want to tell you." At this moment the words start to pour out of your mind. It's unfair not to tell him. He is very important to you as a friend and as someone you have a crush on. 

Asmo crocks his head. He wonders what you might want to say, you seem to be rather nervous. Could it possibly be that you might like him too? Asmo doubts that it's something like that, but he can always hope. Asmo braces himself for whatever it might be. "You know you can tell me everything." He is a bit wary of what you might want to confess.

"I hope this won't change anything between us but the truth is that I'm asexual." You feel great tension when you finally tell him. Asmo is surprised. 

He truly didn't expect this at all. "Wait so when you said no to sleeping with me that was because of that?" Somehow this is the first question on his mind. 

Your cheeks instantly heat up. "Yeah, I'm just not interested in that."

Asmo seems to just realize a few things. "So it wasn't because you weren't attracted to me?" He thought this was the actual reason why you weren't interested. Even when his own feelings were not changing. 

"You are certainly attractive to me. I mean we are flirting all the time after all." It's slightly embarrassing to admit but somehow it also feels nice to say it out loud. 

"That's true but I thought you were just being playful." Asmos head is racing with many different thoughts. "I have to confess something too and I hope this doesn't scare you away but I really really like you. I mean romantically." Asmo finally says what he wanted to tell you today. 

Now it's your turn to be surprised. "I had no idea. But with me being ace will a relationship between us even work out?" You feel happy but also afraid at the same time. 

'I've never had a purely romantic relationship before. I mean, you know me, I like doing these things. I like to flirt and I like the attention of others. I can't really pinpoint the reason why but with you it's different. Maybe it's because I have never felt this way before or it's because we are such close friends. I've never even been in a truly committed relationship before. All I know is that I want to be with you." Asmo seems open to it at least. 

"Even when I'm ace it doesn't mean we can't do many things together. I love to cuddle and I love all kinds of attention. I can still feel sexual attraction but it's extremely rare that I want to do it at all. If you think you can't live like this it's fine. I won't hold it against you. You are so important to me and I don't want to lose my best friend." You aren't sure how to say it right but your heart breaks by the thought of hurting Asmo. 

Asmo nods seemingly lost in thought. "I would never want to hurt you either." Suddenly he gently puts his hand on yours.

  You look at him with curious eyes. 

Then he gently looks you into your eyes. "Do you like me back?" 

"I do. I really like you." You say without a hint of doubt. 

Asmo smiles gently. "Do you want to be in a relationship with me?" 

"Yes but…" You start but Asmo interrupts you. 

"No buts about your sexuality." Asmo seems to know what you want to say. "Just answer yes or no."

You hesitate for a moment. "Yes." It surely will be difficult but it is also what you truly want. 

"Despite you knowing how I am?" Asmo can't seem to hold a giggle back. 

"Of course. I love even your bad sides." You smile at him teasingly. 

"Bad sides? I have no such thing." Asmo pouts playfully. 

You giggle. "Will you still be in relationships with other people?" This is an important question for you. 

'Honesty, I'm not sure if I will miss sleeping with someone. I never went without for a long time. I'm pretty content, just flirting for the most part. I mean, to be honest, I wasn't fooling around for a while now. I think you are to blame for that one." Asmo puts a lot of thought into his words.

  It makes you smile to see how much he truly cares about you. 

"I'm very sorry for making you fall for me." You giggle and act wounded. 

Asmo grins at you. "I forgive you."

"So does that mean you want to try a serious relationship with me? One where we cuddle, kiss, and maybe even hold hands?" Of course, there are many more things you can and will do together. 

"Holding hands? How scandalous!" Asmo laughs out loud. Then he takes your other hand and holds them both tightly. "It honestly sounds great to me. It won't be easy. We probably have to have some conversations about things. Maybe we will argue and make up. Maybe I will break your heart but maybe I will make you very happy. I have no guarantee that it will work out. Despite that, I want to be with you. I want to call you mine, and I want to be yours." Asmos words are very heartfelt. 

"Somehow this is crazy but it sounds pretty great to me." You can't help but smile at him. Even as friends you sometimes had some fights but always managed to come out stronger in the end. "I think we can make this work." 

"You are right, we can. How about a kiss now to celebrate?" Asmo is practically beaming. 

The atmosphere seems to be just right for this. "Yes." Suddenly you feel a bit nervous. It's not even your first kiss with Asmo. Your heart beats wildly.

  Asmo feels equally nervous. He doesn't even know why.

  He leans in, slightly parting his shaking lips. Your heart keeps beating faster, suddenly your lips feel strangely dry. 

Then your lips meet. Somehow the world suddenly feels right.

  It's natural and special at the same time. It lasts a few moments. A bit longer than a typical first kiss. 

When you lean in to kiss Asmo, your heads almost bump together. Causing both of you to chuckle. 

Asmo then hugs you. This also feels so right. Much more than either of you could ever expect. 

This first step into your relationship with Asmo is a good reflection of your future together. 

Sometimes you have a few bumps in the road, but there is also a lot of fun and love.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hope it’s ok to post this here. I currently identify as aroallo but I am still questioning my aro identity. When I was a kid I would have “crushes” with all the butterflies and stuff but in hindsight I think it was more a desire to be their friend rather than romantic partner.

So I guess I am just really confused about romance, in particular how it is different from like a really close and probably exclusive friendship. I know that alloaces exist who don’t want sex in a romantic partnership so I don’t think the sexual part is what makes it different. Maybe I just want a QPR? Or “friends with benefits”? Or perhaps I am in just in some sort of deep denial of any actual romantic feelings I have and I’m just completely allo? I don’t see a lot of aroallos out there talking about their experiences so I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Am I overthinking this? I don’t know :(

Yeah, you're far from the only person who's had trouble with this, Anon (even outside of ace/aro spaces), and it's a fair question. The line between romance and platonic friendship isn't easy to distinguish for everyone, or easy to define. (And there are some identities built around that like platoniromantic, idemromantic, quoiromantic and the concept of alterous attraction.)

Generally speaking what makes romantic attraction/feelings romantic is that it feels romantic. And that's not very useful to someone who isn't sure if they're feeling it or not, but often there's a specific romantic feeling people can identify. And it makes them want to connect with people in a romantic, so being in romantic situations, or being in a relationship defined as romantic.

Romance also tends to be a situation attraction. People who experience romantic attraction will have situations or scenarios they see as romantic (growing old together for example), and will feel a desire or pull to be in situations like that with the other person.

Sometimes the line between romance and platonic friendship is very blurry though, and some people can experience a mix of the two. If that's something you want to explore, some labels I'd recommend looking into are:

Idemromantic: Someone who categorizes relationships as romantic or platonic but experiences no internal differences.

Platoniromantic: When someone experiences no difference between romantic and platonic attraction.

Quoiromantic: An umbrella term that means actively dis-identifying with romance/romantic attraction/romantic orientation or not seeing it as a sensible/applicable category. Or finding romance/romantic orientation/romantic attraction non-sensical, inapplicable, inaccessible, etc. (There's a good article on quoiromanticism here)

Alterous attraction: An attraction that isn't wholly romantic or platonic, but may contain elements of both. If you look at platonic and romantic as binaries, alterous is a non-binary option.

Another thing I'd recommend looking into are squishes, Anon. These are completely platonic crushes, but they can feel very similar to romantic crushes and include a lot of similar symptoms.

Usually people experiencing squishes want to be important or want to be close/friends to the person they're attracted to, but it doesn't feel romantic at all.

As for what you want, you can want anything regardless of what attraction you may be feeling. So I'd really recommend trying not to worry too much and just trying to ask yourself as honest as you can what's appealing to you? You can also try different things out and see how they go if you want, as well.

This is a lot, don't feel like you have to have everything figured out right after reading all this. Let information sit, let yourself process things. And feel free to look into a research what looks interesting. Sometimes just because of the ineffable nature of romance, these things can be a bit subjective and there can be some overlap in ways of identitfying. So don't tie yourself in knots worrying about getting it exactly right, 'this works for me' or 'this is a useful way for me to label myself' is pretty good when figuring out labels and identity.

Could you secretly be alloromantic? It's possible, but my experience is that alloromantic people--while they may have a hard time sometimes describing or explaining romance--often don't have a hard time identifying if that's what they're actually feeling. Though again these things are a bit subjective, and the most important thing I'd suggest is to keep asking yourself what makes sense to you.

You're not doing anything wrong, this stuff can be incredibly confusing to figure out.

Feel free to send in another ask if you have more questions or want anything elaborated on. But hopefully this is helpful.

All the best!

[aroace-cat-lady]

Being AroAce

Absolutely no one asked for this, but it's pride month and I don't give a fuck. I want some possitibity on the aroace tag for once

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me. But there is something you have to know about me: I'm asexual, wich means I don't feel the urge of put my mounth on people if they look like pizza. It also mean that I have the best sex jokes around here. I have know about this since I'm 13yo, and I didn't have a crisis about it 'cause I was 13 and at 13 you are wiser that everyone else in the room.

Other thing you should know!! I'm aromantic. Wich means I smell great and that I don't feel romantic attraction. And I'm gonna stop you right there. I know what you are thinking But miss!! How can a person so cool as you don't feel one of the things that make us human!! And let me tell you my friend, that is arophobe. No, I'm not trying to call you out. It's just a fact: you were being arophobe at thinking that a person without love is lest human. I'm not recriminating you. And I'll tell you why: when the idea of being aromantic first came to me, I refused to accept it. 'Cause what would that mean?? Did I was broken?? Was I a monster?? What was wrong with me??

Yeah, I'm not proud about that. I was a victim of one of the seven knights of apocalypsis: amatonormativity. Yeah, quite a word, I know. The amatonormativity is a bitch. And not in the cool way. It is the idea of society that everyone wants a romantic monogamous relationship. It's that voice in your head that make you nervous for being single. It's the way we think people is lying when they say they don't have a crush on anyone. It's the fear of being alone, 'cause what is life if you live it on your own??

Aka, Bullshit™️

You can see it, right?? You know what, it doesn't matter if you can't. I of all people understand how hard is get out of the amatonormativity.

Anyways, another fun fact: I am aroace. Lemme tell ya smth: it's not the same being alloaro at being alloace at being aroace. We all have a lack of attraction but we are not the same. We have different communities, even if we have a few things in common. It's a mess. I love it. (If you think this is very complex, you haven't see anything my friend. Someday i'm gonna talk to you about loveless aro, orientated aroaces, aplatonic fellas and a lot of cool people i've had the honor of meet)

Going back to being aroace: I have no idea were my aromanticism ends and were the asexuality starts. I used to think they go hand and hand for everyone, but it turns out they don't. Diversity wins again.

I've never dated. I've never wanted to have sex. I'm kind of a hopeless romantic and I've read books I pray my mom never finds out. I scream break up songs as if I had my heart on pieces. Non of this things make me more or least aroace. They just make me me.

I used to hate a lot of things (like romance or unnecessary sex scenes on media) because I didn't understand them. So I get if you feel weird with the idea of being aro, ace or aroace. Just don't be a dick about it with people inside the spectrum.

Not gonna lie: being inside the aro and the ace spectrum can be an insolating experience. You start to see things since a different perspective, and start to understand yourself a lot better in ways most people never try to understand themself.

But, being honest, I wouldn't change it even if I could. It's a beutiful part of who I am and who I've been.

I'm aroace and I'm so proud of it. Not because I think I'm above of all the normativity or anything like that. But because it was a formative experience, sometimes painfull and lonely, but full of self acceptance.

Oh, and plot twist: you still can have a significan relationship if you are in these spectrums. A lot of aros and aces are on romantics relationships. And you also can have sex. Action it's not the same than attraction.

And even if you think you wouldn't be able of being on a romantic relationship, don't worry, queer platonic relationships exist!! As long as you want one. Have you seen the there is not heterosexual explanation for this jokes? Well, it turns out those are aroacephobic as well, 'cause there is a heterosexual explanation, and it's called platonic and/or queerplatonic attraction.

Queerplatonic attraction it's kind of a spectrum that englobes intense feelings that aren't exactly romantic.

And, I, being who I am, ended up in a open polyamorous queerplatonic relationship by accident. I love my someones very much and they love me. I'm a really insecure person, but they are one of the few things in my life I feel permanent.

So yeah. I'm aro. I'm ace. I'm aroace. It wasn't easy learn to adore it. Society is ruthless with people like me. Aphobia is everywere. Amatonormativity and allonormativity chase me even in my sleep. I'm not alone, even if sometimes it feels like it.

[radiosandrecordings]

must one define attraction. can they simply not point at people they get gender envy from and go “Yeah I’ll cuddle that out of jealousy but also first let me get emotionally attached to them” 

but also what is the difference between attraction and having ‘a type’ or a preference. I can only see myself dating other trans people because I do not think I would have the right emotional closeness to get near romantic feelings with a cis person. could I still define myself as bi or pan by those standards. would I ever get romantic feelings for a cis person if my aro-spec-ness didn’t get in the way? am I actually aro-spec or is it just part of the aceness and does that even matter because sometimes things can be caused by other things and that doesn’t invalidate them. 

but also what the fuck is up with aesthetic attraction. because I’ll point at an actor or a model and be like “hot” but are they like, in a romantic way?? or is it like looking at art? because straight people can acknowledge people of the same gender being hot without being attracted to them so what does that MEAN 

I don’t fuckin know man. just gonna sit here and clutch my gender and aceness and wait for me to get a Second Crush In 18 Years and see where that leads me because I really do not have enough data to go by on this one. gently pats ‘queer’ because at least that’s somethin 

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.

[lilietsblog]

so anyway im just going to scream about pgte queer representation again

cause guys we’ve got

- a bisexual most-definitely-aromantic-i-have-a-flipbook-of-evidence main character who’s the cutest blushing romantic to ever have eyes for approximately anything that moves

- her aroace-dont-@-me-i-also-have-a-flipbook-of-evidence-and-all-of-yall-saying-she-just-likes-flying-fotresses-better-than-sex-are-actively-proving-my-point enemies to vaguely-love-interests-maybe-i-mean-the-mc-literally-said-she-should-know-better-than-to-think-she-doesnt-love-her foil who uses flashing skin as a method of passive aggressiveness

- a cute as heck aroace autistic boi who’s in a romantic relationship

- with a heart-full-of-love very pan girl who respects his boundaries (once she gets to know him anyway. indrani pls dont pinch random ppls butts when you first meet them you’re awful)

- I am not talking about poly right now because it’s technically a separate thing from queer but the protagonist is also in a relationship (that is friends with benefits, where benefits include being disgustingly and adorably domestic) w/ said girl and stans her boyfriend and their relationship intensely, while the girl won’t stop shipping her / meddling in her Other Love Life because she wants her to be happy and is also terrible askdjfhaksjdh themmmmm

- a demiromantic demisexual disaster of an older man who’s a dad to one of the above, an uncle to another and technically if you squint a stepdad to the third, and killed the dad of the last one (not listed in order) (none of these people are related genetically to be clear, except for the dead one), and mentored his nephew about what being on the aro/ace spectrum is like bc having one (1) love interest does not make you not on the spectrum actually

While Papa had not been able to understand, not truly, for it was against the nature of an incubus to be as he was, his other father had seen in [him] similarities to what he’d once seen in his uncle. Enough to suggest a conversation. Not every kind of love involves bedplay or poetry, Uncle [that guyyyy] had told him. You can crave closeness with someone without craving them in other ways. Sometimes it just… fits. The intensity of it can be misleading, but you will learn.

- yeah so the autistic boi is also the adopted son of a warlock and an incubus. they are married. its controversial. incubi are not normally SENTIENT

- (this one is and they were the cutest couple as long as their son was single. now him & his gal take the cake)

- so. many. gay background and side characters

- unfortunately enbies and trans peeps are side character only but there is this vibe that like 3/4 of the side characters could be trans and we would never know bc guess whose business this is none of? anyone’s. maybe the big bad is trans. no-one in the setting has any reason to care

- also the one trans woman definitely mentioned to be such is currently off conquering her homeland. we stan a future empress. i mean imperialism is bad but so is obstructing a war effort to save the world so we stan anyway tbh

- using facepaint to indicate what gender you currently are in accordance with your homeland’s tradition? people who can read the facepaint use the right pronouns when you’re right there and everyone else / when you’re not there goes with “they”? that is happening

- “ma’am... please start a dynasty... get married... have kids... if u like girls better that’s fine we have the (miracle) technology just please... change your surname to something respectable and do a dynasty” “no”

- this is not even remotely close to everything that is happening

- i swear straight characters exist. i mean i mentioned one already (EDIT: turns out i didnt mention her. i removed that bullet point for some reason. tl;dr the protag had a ?crush? on her for a while) and there are no less than *counts on fingers* three others that statistically are shown to have interest in only girls/guys respectively