#and I’m not hyperfixating hard enough to give me the energy to go through the tag every night in search of something new anymore 😭😭

[burntblueberrywaffles]

They should invent an Anidala centered fanfic that doesn’t take hours of scrolling through the tag to find

[starrjoy]

Life update. Probably the last I’ll do for a while

Unfortunately, my little family is still not doing great. The economy is rough, so jobs are pretty few and far between. Commissions have been our only source of income for the past four months, and that’s barely been enough to get by. On top of that, my health is pretty bad, so I haven’t been able to manage my usual turnarounds. It’s all very tiring. We have leads and interviews coming up, so we can only hope things will get better soon. I’m not giving up hope that we’ll get through this, but the exhaustion is setting in.

On top of that, I’m just not all that into Sonic anymore. It’s hard to lose a hyperfixation, especially one that has brought me so much community and joy for so long. I’ve just simply lost touch with the fandom, and I don’t find myself as excited as I usually would be for upcoming events. The ending of Prime and the Knuckles series just really took it out of me lmao.

Because of that, I’m sad to say I won’t be working on Pandora for the foreseeable future. I’m not going to promise I’ll return to it since there’s simply no way to tell, but I want to thank everyone who has supported me through its 100+ pages. I learned so much from making it and have definitely developed as an artist and writer throughout the whole process. It’s sad to say goodbye. Hopefully soon I’ll have the time and energy for bigger and better projects, but for now, I’m going to rest.

If you’d still like to support me, please check out my ko-fi. I’ll be uploading more personal wips there soon, as well as recent commissions. And of course, comms will be open again as soon as I finish this last batch. I’ll still accept Sonic comms, but please know I take all sorts and am definitely down to stretch my creative abilities :]

That’s all for now <3

[hazbean-hotel-imagines]

hey! i’m an INFP bisexual transman here for a matchup:) i can be kind of awkward at first, but after a bit i love opening up and talking about my special interests and getting to know people; talking about music and media, showing them my art or writings, and just sharing a space. i like to make people laugh and am down to hit the club or just chill with a comfortable night in. i have my own share of trauma and anxieties that im trying to work through. i’d say i have a grunge aesthetic but im also definitely a nerd, too. just a dude who’s vibin’ and trying to get by. thanks for doing these matchups, they’re so fun!

Matchup

I pair you with…

~ I’m glad you like these matchups!! They’re feeding my hyperfixation and I reallyyy missed writing!! Anyway!

~ Okay, I can see you and Ozzie being so compatible.

~ Firstly, he really appreciates art. The best person to be a proofreader, or see a finished art piece. He’s not only so appreciative, he’ll give specifics on what he likes. “This was super successful here,” is a common phrase he’ll use before going on to elaborate. Anyway, he doesn’t just say he likes something, he says what he likes and why in great detail.

~ Ozzie helps you navigate your traumas and anxieties healthily. He really puts work into understanding this part of you, removing all triggers as best he can, and he’s super open to listening to you vent.

~ You understand his energy. You’re seen going to clubs and public outings with him, while also domestic enough to appreciate simple dates at home, like making a nice dinner and starting a new tv series. Ozzie just digs that you’re able to understand both sides of him; his party side, and his domestic side.

~ This all makes me think you guys would make a great friends to lovers trope. You understand Ozzie, and he shows that he understands you.

I pair you with…

~ I’m not sure why. But you know that one trope where’s there’s a dude whose special interest is their partner?? Cherri Bomb to you. I won’t elaborate on this, because I don’t know how, but I’m confident in this trope here. I’m not sure how but I am.

~ I feel like Cherri’s one of those people to be really into like having art in her apartment. You make anything? It’s on her fridge or wall. She loves everything you make.

~ Loves hearing about your special interests, and will get into them too so she understands you better. You mention a fandom? She’s googling ships while you talk. “Ohhh these ones look hot, who are these two?”

~ I feel like while she’s definitely a partier, I’ve said this before, she loves being all domestic and winding down at the end of the night. Cuddle pile with a blanket and pillow nest!!

~ Loves taking you out so she can show you off.

~ Definitely someone who appreciates music and media. Keeps up to date with popular things and her own niches. Cherri would love not only hearing you talk about your interests, but bring her own into play and be just super excited to talk about music. She’s someone who loves not only music and media, but appreciates the artists behind it, I bet she’s the type to have notifications set for news outlets that regularly cover updates on her favourites.

I pair you with…

~ Introvert adopted by extrovert trope!!

~ Vortex loves awkward. Will listen to you talk about your hyper fixations and be genuinely invested. Will also hit you with questions to elaborate so he can really get an idea of what you’re putting out. Pleasantly surprised when you begin to open up.

~ Will take you to parties, outings with friends, etc. He’s more a casual boyfriend, less sweep you off your feet and more peaceful coexistence. Love language is definitely quality time.

~ Regarding traumas and anxieties, Vortex is the best person to help you practically forget about them. If he notices you’re having a bad day and need a pick me up, he effortlessly cheers you up so well it’s hard to even realize he’s doing it. Distracts you with all of your favourite things, drinks, snacks, movies or shows, you name it.

~ Vortex lets you choose when you’re ready to vent or need to share, but until then, he effortlessly ensures that you’re always happy. Despite his casual demeanour, he’s always someone who just takes to people really well, especially you.

Alternate pairing…

Charlie

[ithinkabouttzu]

I think I’ll do another BoB ship because that’s what I’m hyperfixating on right now. 😬🦊

Also! Who are your favorite BoB characters and who would you ship with yourself? 😊

Thank you for your request again! and thank you for the question! <3 Honestly my favorite is probably Nixon or Luz, idk why I just find them relatable to me 🤭 and I think I would ship myself with Malarkey, Toye, or Bull!!

I ship you with…

Lewis Nixon!

- Okay here we go!

- SMART COUPLE ✅

- You guys would look so good together 😩 Like both of your looks would go so well with each other omg

- let me mention how y’all’s sarcastic humor would go PERFECT with each other (like both of y’all can just start cackling up about something stupid and everyone else is just like 👀)

- he also adores your body, like hips and chest, he can’t keep his hands off you!

- He loves how funny you are and loves how you he can just laugh at every joke you say, you’re also so understanding to him and smart!! the whole package, and a his dream girl!

- Arguments can be a little difficult sometimes because both of you can be a little stubborn about listening , but in the end it’s all out of love! plus you guys always apologize and make sure to communicate better next time

- he hates when you’re hard on yourself, he sees you as such a special and bright person and thinks you could give yourself a break sometimes!

- I could see you guys being that one couple that just talks to everyone and that’s really outgoing at an event! Like the fun but mature couple LOL

- Okay this is canon but like whenever he’s sick or he got hurt doing something around the house, he’ll call for a nurse (obv you) and he’ll just he like “nurse, come fix me up” In the most dramatic voice ever

- He loves how you challenge yourself and thinks to put others before you, you have such a safe and healing energy for him and he loves that so much 🥹

- Y’all are definitely a dog couple! like dog galore at y’all’s place, idk how he would feel about chickens but as long as they don’t try to pick at him or chase him he’s fine with them 🤣

- both of y’all like listening to lectures and i could see that being like a morning routine for you guys, like listening to a podcast or something like that while gettin ready for the day

- i could see you and lew just enjoying music together and just like dancing with eachother in yalls home 🥹

- He thinks your painting is PHENOMENAL tries to make a portrait of you for valentine’s day and fails tremendously, but it’s the thought that counts right? 😭

- You guys would def have creative date nights, like y’all would find so much fun stuff to do!!

- And let’s not forget that you guys would be going on all types of adventures and just exploring the world together, traveling, hiking l, you name it, he’s down for it!

- Why do I feel like you guys would be that kind of couple that LOVES going to museums? like both of you are just so open to learning that it would only make sense for y’all to go somewhere like that.

- When your get anxiety starts to act up he always encourages you to tell him how your feeling and what he can do to make you feel better. Usually he’ll try and talk your through it and see what the main root of your anxiety is, and if it’s a short term fix then he’ll try his hardest to fix the issue!

- But overall you guys would be such an adorable couple, like a smart and good looking relationship?? amazing!

I hope you like this sweetie! I apologize if this one or the other one wasn’t long enough and thank you for your request again!! 💝



[zosonils]

Crossover you say 👀

OKAY SO. SONIC COLOURS/MEGA MAN CROSSOVER

i don't have much in mind story wise, but i'm thinking it takes place under the same conditions as worlds collide, which i insist on believing also happened nearly identically offscreen in the game timeline because nobody can tell me otherwise. fairly basic setup of eggman and wily teaming up to cause problems on purpose and sonic and rock working together to stop them, and now there's wisps in the mix >:O i'm sure i could think up a fun excuse plot for why sonic colours happens twice and also mega man is here now, but mostly this was just an excuse to put the special interest in the hyperfixation and come up with some fun weapons for rock based on my first and favourite sonic game

each robot master is based on a wisp from either version of the original colours, which causes a little confusion given that you end up with two burst men and drill men but these ones have different EWN-XXX serial numbers and are entirely unrelated to their canon mega man counterparts. i haven't actually drawn the robot masters yet or thought up designs or personalities, just come up with their weapons and what stage they'd inhabit, but maybe i'll do that sometime. the robot masters are something like this

EWN-010 BURST MAN - weak to drill dash, gives bursting blaze, sweet mountain stage

EWN-011 ROCKET MAN - weak to cubic satellite, gives rocket jump, terminal velocity stage

EWN-012 DRILL MAN - weak to spike spin, gives drill dash, tropical resort stage

EWN-013 HOVER MAN - weak to rocket jump, gives hovering shockwave, starlight carnival stage

EWN-014 LASER MAN - weak to frenetic void, gives prism laser, aquarium park stage

EWN-015 CUBE MAN - weak to prism laser, gives cubic satellite, wii game land stage

EWN-016 VOID MAN - weak to bursting blaze, gives frenetic void, asteroid coaster stage

EWN-017 SPIKE MAN - weak to hovering shockwave, gives spike spin, planet wisp stage

i wrote up some really detailed information on how all the weapons work but i'll put that under a cut to prevent this post from getting too long! if you don't feel like reading massive paragraphs of game design ideas, here's the microsoft paint scribblings i did of all of them [sonic is there too]

BURSTING BLAZE

a chargeable attack that blasts out a sphere of fire to deal damage. charging it longer sends the fire out further and increases its damage output, but costs more weapon energy. without any charging it's a pretty standard low-range attack, but at maximum charge it functions as a screen nuke on par with the likes of rain flush, tornado blow, or astro crush. if rock takes damage while charging bursting blaze, he'll automatically release it at whatever charge level it was at when he got hit. in addition to the obvious usefulness of a fucking screen nuke, a less- or uncharged bursting blaze can be a handy way to quickly get some personal space in a tight situation.

cost: 1 unit when uncharged, 7 when fully charged [28 uses uncharged or 4 fully charged from a full gauge]. has five in-between charge levels costing 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 units from least to most powerful.

i came up with this name first because i wanted it to have blaze in it because i fucking love blaze the cat.

ROCKET JUMP

an explosion that launches rock much higher than a normal jump would take him, about the height of one screen. in addition to the explosion at the bottom dealing damage, rock's body deals contact damage until his upward momentum stops, which tears through enemies with low health or a weakness to rocket jump but doesn't protect him against bulkier foes or stage hazards. while he can still move left or right while rocketing upwards, the only way for rock to stop moving upwards is to either naturally run out of momentum, hit a ceiling, or take damage.

some platforms can only be reached by using rocket jump.

cost: 3 units per use [10 uses from a full gauge]

obviously a joke based on the rocket jump technique in a lot of video games, lmao. rock blows himself up and ragdolls so hard he clips out of the interstellar amusement park and sonic watches as he falls past every kill plane and into infinity forever

DRILL DASH

a dash attack slightly faster than the slide going straight down, sideways, or diagonally down-left or down-right, similar to the pile driver but shorter and without upwards reach. has fairly low attack power, equivalent to two mega buster shots, but pushes surviving enemies back, allowing them to be hit again and again with a chain of drill dashes. underwater, it moves significantly faster and further, and can be fired up as well as down, unlocking eight-directional dashing.

if rock hits a solid wall he'll bounce off of it, but if he hits certain types of dirt-like walls he'll drill into them, which can uncover helpful items like health and weapon refills and occasionally 1-ups or e-tanks [probably in scripted locations].

cost: 2 units per use [14 uses from a full gauge]

i've never played mighty no. 9 but i've seen footage of like the dash thingy he can do? because it probably looks kinda like that.

HOVERING SHOCKWAVE

fires a shockwave that doesn't hurt any more than a standard mega buster shot [unless the enemy in question is weak to it], but stuns most enemies and has a fairly decent range. if you fire it in midair and then hold down the attack button, rock's falling speed will decrease dramatically, and he'll continue to float until either he hits the ground, the attack button is released, or he takes damage. hovering will cost additional energy, and if hovering shockwave is used in midair it can't be used again until rock hits the ground at least once.

cost: 1.5 units per use [19 uses from a full gauge], plus an extra 3 units per second of hovering, for a total of a little under 9 seconds of hovering taking the initial shot into account.

this one's pretty directly lifted from the hover wispon in sonic forces.

PRISM LASER

a laser projectile that either bounces off or goes through anything it hits a set number of times, maybe three to five. if it destroys an enemy its movement is unchanged; if it hits a wall or an enemy that doesn't immediately die to it then it bounces instead. can be fired in all eight directions, but once fired its trajectory is out of the player's hands. basically imagine gemini laser, then imagine it being obscenely better in every conceivable way. best used in enclosed rooms where it can bounce around a lot and doesn't have much opportunity to get lost offscreen.

some rooms have prisms in them like the ones in colours that automatically redirect prism laser, guiding them to destroy enemies blocking paths and the like.

cost: 6 units per use [5 uses from a full gauge]

cyan laser was my favourite colour power when i was a little baby because haha bright colour funny sound go wheeee. prism laser is probably overpowered because of this bias lmao.

CUBIC SATELLITE

summons four [?] orbiting cubes that shield rock from one hit each. they deal damage to enemies they touch unless said enemy is immune to the power. standard shield weapon, blue cube is a lame overly situational gimmick and i couldn't think of anything better. rock can still fire and charge his mega buster while shielded, but obviously can't use any special weapons. every time a cube is destroyed, the remaining ones spin faster, looking something like the tubinaut badnik from sonic mania. that's just a visual effect i don't know what else to write here it's a shield weapon.

cost: 3.5 units per use [8 units from a full gauge]

i think i'd like shield weapons more if i knew how to use the attacking ones to actually attack. i used leaf shield about 3 times in mega man 2 and every time i flung it in the wrong direction and got hit anyway.

FRENETIC VOID

sucks in any enemies that rock is facing for as long as the attack button is held down, drawing them to a point just in front of him. when released, the blasters on his arms [which in this form morph to look like the purple frenzy mouth] crunch down in front of him, dealing slightly more damage than a charged mega buster shot to anything that's been pulled in close enough and knocking back anything that isn't destroyed. rock can't move while using frenetic void, and if anything hits him while he's vaccuuming he drops the move without the finishing bite or knockback. this move can also draw in most types of bullets, which are absorbed and disappear if they reach the void, or continue in whatever direction they were pulled in if the move ends before they get there.

cost: 3 units per use [10 units from a full gauge]

i thought it'd be cool to combine purple frenzy and violet void somehow. i used void for the robot master name because i believe in sonic colours ds port supremacy, but the decision was ultimately pretty arbitrary.

SPIKE SPIN

what top spin wishes it was. a close-range attack where spikes emerge from rock's body as he does a speen, giving him a somewhat bigger hitbox. when he hits an enemy, he bounces off of it in a manner similar to the way sonic bounces off of everything he hits. the move lasts as long as the attack button is held down, draining weapon energy over time, and rock can still walk and jump while speening. some projectiles will bounce off of spike spin [generally small bullets like those from mets or sniper joes will bounce off while anything stronger will still hurt], and holding the move makes rock immune to spikes, allowing him to walk over them safely until his weapon energy depletes.

some items may be tucked away in places that are difficult or impossible to reach without walking over spikes, requiring the use of spike spin to reach them.

cost: 4 units per second, for a total of 7 seconds of spinning from a full gauge. the first unit is depleted the moment the button is pressed so the move can't be scummed into lasting longer.

honestly now that i'm thinking about this i might change spike spin to act a little more like how pink spike spindashes, but i was overcome by a desire for justice for top man.

i don't know how to end this post lmao but i've been thinking about this crossover for days on end. i know damn well it's a pipe dream but right now i'm in just the right mode of hyperfixation that if sega and capcom announced a sonic/mega man crossover in a video game that isn't smash lmao i would ASCEND

[dionysianfreak]

some spicy things I do in my practice because of ADHD

given that it's literally my brain, adhd takes over a lot of things in my life. it finds a way to wiggle into everything I do in both bad and good ways. it's just how it is being neurodivergent and it's just how life goes for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't aid me in many ways. growing up we aren't taught about mental divergency. we're taught the abled and neurotypical way and that's it, but in truth neurodivergent people only struggle due to not having the resources to do things the way that'll let them work efficiently. so here is a list of ways my personal adhd effects my pagan practice and ways I incorporate it into my worship !

stimming

stimming ! i stim a LOT and sometimes, if the emotion I feel is strong enough, they turn to uncontrollable tics. this also means that when during things like rituals, I'll have to pause so I don't tic and ruin something. this is totally normal and okay ! I've never once had a problem with it, and the Gods just patiently waited for it to pass as it always does. we both know it's just something that happens and it's apart of me, it isn't something to be ashamed of or hide.

accepting stimming once I was diagnosed was also something I did as a devotional act to Dionysos ! instead of trying to mask or push down the urge to stim, I'd allow myself to just let it out. my stims vary between very overt to covert, and accepting the overt ones as normal was a feat worthy of devotion imo. you can also keep stim toys on your altar when you're not using them, if you wanted to.

time and schedules

consistent worship ????? never heard of her. same goes for offerings. sometimes I give 294894 offerings in a day and sometimes I've given one offering in a week, it just depends on my ever changing behavior. there's no need to be stuck on a schedule if you don't want to or even make one to begin with. when I first started out, I asked Hermès, Apollon, and Dionysos (who I worshipped at the time) if I should make a schedule and the no was so hard I haven't asked since. my worship is a part of my daily life, as just like I don't drive places every day I don't worship every day. both are still important in my life regardless if I'm actively doing it or not. if you stuggle with consistency, I urge you to speak with the Gods you worship and see if making things more fluid would help !

hyperfixation is also a pain in the ass sometimes, especially when it becomes something other than paganism. due to the free nature of my practice and that I've chosen to devote, it sometimes translates into "well I don't haveeee to do this" and suddenly poof, all the motivation is gone. it's VERY hard to come back when your brain is so wired on something else entirely, and I understand the feeling. during these times I personally do very small things to keep up. if I make dinner for myself, I'll offer a portion and eat with the Gods just to show that I'm participating even when I'm struggling to. the small things count.

RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

my RSD is crippling in my life, and it's reach extends to paganism sometimes as well (if you're unaware, RSD is the extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection in any form). sometimes during readings I receive a card that I believe is saying something "negative". sometimes it's criticism, sometimes advice, sometimes it's a slap on the wrist, but no matter what it is in reality I'm at the mercy of my brain to interpret it. so this has lead to meltdowns, long depressive/anxious episodes, and crying fests when I think a deity is angry with me. it has gotten so bad before that delusions have appeared and made me believe false memories or feelings of hatred from the Gods.

it's so hard and I'm so sorry if anyone else has to deal with it. to help with this, I have to fight to remind myself that advice is not an attack. the Gods are trying to help me and, even if They were angry at me, I've made mistakes before and They've allowed me to grow from them. i also have a checklist of questions I ask myself to allow logic and reality back into my head. a few questions include "have i done anything recently that's worthy of anger from a God ?", "is this something that will last forever ?", and "is this a message that has something to teach me ?".

impulsiveness

ask most people with ADHD about being impulsive and you'll probably receive a nervous side glace. we're impulsive often, which can do a multitude of things in paganism. one, starting a devoting and never finishing it. i am SO guilty of this one, and it make me feel bad even now. i have plenty up unfinished plans, drawings, and other devotional items that look around and guilt me. I've been in this cycle for a year and I don't think I'll ever grow out of it, but from what I've noticed the Gods don't mind. doing some of a devotion is a wonderful feat, and the energy that took is a wonderful offering even if you don't finish it.

I'm sure other adhd people and probably some autistic people have been in the position of "I just discovered this new Deity and oh my god I NEED to worship them RIGHT NOW or I'll DIE". They're just SO COOL and you automatically feel a connection. then three weeks later you feel demotivated to worship Them and now you feel terrible about it. don't worry, me too. to help with this nowadays I personally honor for a bit then worship if the worship relationship doesn't involve any help between us. this is what I did with Pan, and it worked VERY well for me. i recognized our connection but I didn't feel the pressure to consistently worship Him.

back to the start of the second paragraph, if you're stuck in that situation just communicate with the Deity. it can be hard to admit you're wrong, especially with adhd. however, just sitting down and calling to Them to let them know how you feel and that you think you made a mistake is a huge communicative step !

demotivation

this. one. sucks. inbetween hyperfixations, being stressed out or anxious, going through a depressive episode, and more can cause very deep demotivation and loss of energy in people with ADHD and other disorders. sometimes I'll just lay in my floor with my headphones on for hours because I literally can't find the energy to get up. a lot of people worry that this directly conflicts with Paganism and would slow progress. i understand why it seems that way, especially since adhd is a very "GO FAST, DO THIS THING N O W" disorder. there's actually a few solutions here I can think of

devote your personal healing to the Gods as this can give your brain a "reward" and can help you personally feel better in many ways. after weeks without a shower, devote a bath to a Deity or maybe eat breakfast at Their altar if you haven't been eating much. allow Them to be your motivation

take a break entirely. paganism certrainly isn't a 24/7/365 commitment and your practice molds to your needs. if you're just absolutely knocked out and need rest, take a break. I've taken MANY breaks before. I've been forced on breaks too because the Gods noticed my mental health declining before I did. never feel ashamed for needing time for yourself

do multiple small things rather than big things. a little bit of your dinner when you eat, redecorate Their altar or space, listen to music that reminds you of Them, think of Them when you're out and about in case you see something. you can weave devotion into daily acts in order to reinforce mundane things you need to do and calm your mind about paganism.

and finally, miscellaneous list of other things I do that are too small for their own section.

if you need to keep track of divination readings, no need to write down every reading you've ever had in detail. you can voice record them as you go, take photos of the cards, or use apps like Labyrinthos that can act as a tarot log.

your altar doesn't need to look perfect, it should reflect your worship and your devotion to a Deity. this means if your altar looks like a mess, as mine ALWAYS do, it's perfectly okay ! clutter aesthetic altars are the most beautiful altars in my eyes, and they're so worthy of adoration. I've never once heard of a Deity disliking an altar, They appreciate our work to put in a space just for Them. let your altar look messy and wild as you want, altars don't need to be aesthetic or color coordinated

you see everywhere that many of us are devoted to one deity in particular or multiple, I fit in here too. i just wanted to say that you never have to devote to any Deity if you don't want to. you could worship when you need help from a specific Deity or worship a different deity every month. never feel like you have to tie yourself down just because other people feel comfortable doing so.

you don't have to celebrate every festival. it's okay to skip celebrations that don't really apply to you or are at an inconvenient time ! you could also reschedule if you find yourself wanting to celebrate but burnt out or busy.

[formulinos]

Hyperfixation Corner | The 1982 Formula One World Championship, Part 2 | Physics for Psychopaths: The Killer Regulations of the 70s-80s

there are wacky seasons in formula one. some have 5, 6 drivers fighting for the championship right until the end. there are mid-season changes. but then there is one who separated weak boys from repressed men and created the collective generational trauma for those who went through the absolute fucking hell that was 1982 formula one world championship. fittingly enough, the person who won it wasn't the greatest winner, but almost literally the one left standing. this time on hyperfixation corner, we take a long, hard look at the events that shaped the season and what exactly happened. as the schedule goes:

background: the fisa-foca war

physics for psychopaths: the killer regulations of the 70s-80s

heating the tires: the drivers strike in kyalami!

the 1982 formula one world championship, or, the triumph of keke rosberg and the grief of ferrari

this is the second part of a series i'm doing this week, fruit of a month of investigation and bingewatching. please consider giving me any sort of sign of life once you read it! liking and reblogging is great, but comments and asks are just fine too! even just a letter saying "dumb" will suffice. we also touch some heavy topics - even though i don't go into detail - so please be careful as you read it! thanks a lot and see you soon :D

Usually during these write-ups I do the technical breaks as they naturally come up in the story. However, since so much of this era is related to the peak of technical innovations that had been introduced the decade before - and these concepts still permeate F1 even after they got banned or became obsolete - the legacy is just too much not to discuss them separately. I promise to do my best to keep this brief and make it make sense for those of you who (rightfully so) don't have much of a Physics background. If you have any questions after this, feel free to come and talk to me! I'm just in grad school and I'm not better than any of you.

F1 PHYSICS 101: ENGINES

Let's start from the top. First of all, to make a car move, you basically want it to do it by itself without needing to constantly be pushed by people, so you need something that makes it move, in this case, the engine. The act of all machinery properly working to take the car forwards is called "mechanical work" and what makes it possible is called "mechanical energy". Literally, energy is power (so deep) that gives you the capacity to interact with some specific set of Physics and do something. To make it more simple, you need to think of Physics as cult tv show Glee. The same way there are the jocks, the glee club, the cheerleaders and the emos, there are mechanics and thermodynamics and electricity and so on. Mr. Schuester wanted to get the glee club into nationals and to get the proper support he needed from the school, he got Finn (who was a jock) into the glee club as some sort of bridge that helped him go from losers in the glee room to losers for the entire US after Jonathan Groff sang that lovely version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

This is the same for engines. They convert one type of energy into mechanical energy which then does the mechanical work we need. In Formula 1, we use heat engines, that convert thermal energy (aka heat ana you pedantic bitch) into mechanical work by… [nick jonas voice] burning up, burning up! So, you have the engine, shaped like a V because it's the optimal configuration, and these babies have pairs of cylinders side by side - for instance, using the current specs, you have 3 cylinders on one side and 3 on the other (V6).

Ford-Cosworth DFV 3.0 V8 displayed in a FW08 that ran in 1982 - everyone had one

Each one of these guys have a volume of 1.6 L to hold gases inside them. You heat these cylinders up with the energy you got from the combustion of the fuel, the gases will create more pressure on the cylinders that have pistons attached to them. To adjust the pressure, the pistons start moving up and down, creating what we call power force and with those the bits and pieces start moving and congratulations, you successfully converted heat into mechanical energy and your car is speeding through the field. Here's a diagram because I love diagrams:

As much as heat engines have all their benefits, they do have a lil problem though: they can't convert ALL of their heat energy into mechanical energy as part of it dissipates or gets converted into some other sort of energy (kinda like Quinn was a cheerleader that was supposed to also be in the glee club but became emo instead). So basically, your aim is to extract every single drop of metaphorical blood out of the engine and make its output the better possible, knowing you are playing a losing game because it can never be 100% (Lisa, in this write-up we obey the laws of thermodynamics!)

Back to the drawing board then: to generate the power necessary, you will need to burn your fuel, and you can't just wink at it, you need something called a comburent to help, and in this case, good ole air, more specifically oxygen. The more fuel you burn, the better, but since there is so much fuel you can have in your engine, it's up to the air to maximise the power output and therefore we need to focus on the gases that get inside the cylinders. Engines are designed so that they pull the air from outside to fill the cylinders and do the work, but since these gases tend to expand, the usual way people found to make an engine more powerful was to make it bigger, in order to fit more air. That is, until turbochargers came along. These bad boys are roughly composed of a turbine that sucks and compresses the air before getting it inside a pump that then fill the cylinders. This manages to pressurise the air, so we can fit more of it without making the engine bigger and still produce more power force - thanks @ you-know-who for making this less complicated than I had originally written!

Footage of a turbo charger shown in 1982 during the South African Grand Prix

A way of quantifying the size of an engine is the number of ccs (cubic centimeters), that is, the total volume of the air-fuel mixture the cylinders work with. So we can compare, the power output of a 3000 cc naturally-aspired engine - a normal engine - was the same of a 1500 cc turbocharged engine. Cool then, turbos do the same job with half the amount!

the OG Renault-Gordini EF1 V6 Turbo being tested in Jean-Pierre Jabouille's car, 1980

Renault introduced turbocharging to F1 in 1977 as a response to the aerodynamic advances of constructor teams. NGL, it was crazy bad because the engine would fail, however, everyone would shit themselves since when it worked, IT worked. Four years later, Ferrari joined the gang and that's when shit got real for the rest of the grid: if Ferrari did it, then it doesn't matter if both cars DNQ all year long, we need to look into it. ugh they wanna be like us so bad it's embarrassing. In 1982, turbos were a luxury of manufacturer teams since the grand majority of FOCA teams used the same Ford-Cosworth V8 3.0 L (although as the year went on Certain People attempted to change that one for a BMW turbo). Later on, as they tweaked the specs to make it more reliable, more engine manufacturers became interested and saw that turbos were really efficient in doing what they proposed and by 1985 everyone had one. In their attempts of trying to limit the turbos - like fuel tanks restrictions - the FIA actually helped the cause by making them more reliable, to the point that the Honda V6 turbo blew everyone's nips off with Senna/Prost in 1988. However, since not all teams in the grid had the chance of getting state of the art tech and the ones that did were too far ahead and too quick at it, turbos were banned in 1989, only returning in 2014.

Note: There is a common issue with turbocharged engines called "turbo lag," known as those seconds after you change gears/throttle it actually feels like the cars is stopping instead of going faster. They are a consequence of the turbo readapting to the new requirements demanded by the change in throttle: the turbine needs to adapt itself to pull more air before the pump goes on with the job. One of the challenges of engine manufacturers is minimising it, given that in Formula 1, one or two seconds means winning or losing a race. Pierre PTG on Youtube does a pretty good job of uploading nice footage from The Good Ole Days and in this onboard of both Renaults on Monaco you can see/hear the momentarily "drop" when they shift gears, and thus release the throttle (special attention to Prost's as you can see him clearly working the stick shift).

We got that sorted out? Good. Let's leave the manufacturers' side and head to the constructors (or garagistes, if you want to be fancy like Mr. Enzo Ferrari)

F1 PHYSICS 102: AERODYNAMICS

If you remember the Senna/Prost special, you are aware that Downforce Is Good (Well, sometimes not much. Still, mostly it's something the engineers and designers are always working towards to). To those of you who haven't read it, first of all, fuck you. Second of all, downforce is the "gravity" of cars, keeping them on the ground with the consequence of having more grip, something very useful for faster turns and winning races.

It wasn't until the late 60s that people REALLY began exploiting how far could aerodynamics work in your favour. The pioneers are usually credited as Team Lotus, who started dropping crazy cars that stood out for being aero oriented. It's important to note that they didn't first came up with concepts like 'wings' but they were the ones that showed it actually worked and you could make grand prix winning cars with them. Lotus's founder and big boss was Colin chapman, a man obsessed with exploiting limits right to the very end of his life. How far could a car go, how faster could you make it, how lighter could you make it and how much more downforce could you create?

Turns out there was something called "ground effects" that could answer that to us: A LOT. A FUCKING LOT.  The idea was brilliant and a bit self-explanatory: why not consider the car and the ground as a single element together? It makes sense because if you think about it, unless something bad happens, the car is always touching the floor thanks to the tires and you just have these spaces through which the air flows.

Ok, so we realised we need to think of car and track as a single unit, but where exactly do we start looking? First, we must go way, waaaaaaay back with a simple principle and then we'll build up from it. Air is a fluid, which is physics jargon for materials "changes shape" when you apply force into them. In case this is weird because you're thinking of liquids, try this mental exercise: if you try to put a pebble inside a bottle, it won't suddenly spread around and assume the shape of the bottle like juice or water usually do. However, if you put a gas inside it, it would behave more like juice than pebble and expand inside its containment.

Note: There's a cool video I watch like twice a month from Stephen Murray that shows a simple classroom experiment about the nature of gases as fluids. Scientific basis can help to understand how he comes up with carbon dioxide but the most important is how he blows the candle. I'm a nerd.

If gases are fluid then, they can obey a series of rules, like one: don't pick up the phone you know he's only calling because he's drunk and alone (just taking the piss because I want to get that song stuck in your head). Besides that, being a fluid means air has viscosity (it deforms, but it can resist a little bit. It's not gonna just put out to a bottle like that and spread its… molecules, it needs to be wined and dined first, you know?). Since we're considering the air to be a fluid, then it has a boundary layer, which is a very thin layer on the surface of the fluid that "separates" it from its vicinity where it's "bound" to - kinda like a face shield, i guess? In practical terms, this basically means that the boundary layer is the part of the air that is in direct contact with the ground and this is particularly relevant to us as viscosity effects are more pronounced in the boundary layer since it's there where all the girlies wanna be (the Amber Lounge of fluids).

Fluids also obey Bernoulli's principle, which means that if you have an air flow, then if it speeds up it compensates by decreasing either its pressure or its potential energy (one of the high school cliques), due to what we call conservation of mass/energy. to go back to the Glee analogy, even though Finn became part of the glee club or Quinn became emo, or Mercedes and Kurt became cheerleaders, they were still as a whole part of the school group of students that didn't change during the year (in this case the school is the total energy of the system and Finn, Quinn, Mercedes, Kurt etc are the "types'' of energy that exist. in this write-up we're not considering situations like when Kurt got transferred to that fancy all-male academy and met Darren Criss).

In terms of high speed racing, viscosity is a blessing because since the effects are so pronounced on the boundary layer, the fast flow of air in relation to the ground feels so fast that it's almost as if it's the ground that is moving in the opposite direction (at least this is how the surface interprets it, kinda like when you're in a train and it feels like you're not moving and people are walking backwards). So, basically, the reaction is that the air gets pulled inwards and that makes the flow even faster and Bernoulli's principle is even more accentuated

To recap, Bernoulli's principle + viscosity + high speeds + air + ground = nice. All of this gives us a theoretical base to exploit the Venturi effect, the practical application which is where things get interesting and actually relevant for us. Venturi basically clocked the speed/pressure correlation in the more specific event a fluid flow going through a smaller gap ("constriction"). Its speed must get higher - so mass conservation happens - while the static pressure must get lower as a consequence of Bernoulli's principle.

The Classic Venturi Effect GIF™. Hey, if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Try to watch this gif twice, once covering the middle and once covering both extremities, you'll be able to tell better the difference in speed!

One of the several applications of the Venturi effect are Venturi tunnels, you guessed it, tunnels through which air passes and you can observe the Venturi effect kicking in. Now, you have to agree that the consequence of driving 180 mph is that air flows pretty fucking fast through the car. That led the good minions at Lotus to have the following idea: if we manage to create Venturi tunnels under the car, then we're gonna get lower pressure areas. Low pressure under the car is good because then you have less forces pushing the car up and reducing downforce and this way… we go back to 5 paragraphs earlier.

A 1982 Renault RE30B model - notice how the floor isn't completely straight and there are tunnels on each side of the car close to the front and the rear. They're the Venturi tunnels!

There were several ways to achieve this but the most significant was "side skirts". Their job was to separate the floor portion from the rest of the car and "seal" the gap between the car and the ground to create Venturi tunnels. It worked really well, so well that by 1978 the Lotus 79 had granted Mario Andretti a WDC and Colin Chapman a WCC. The unwanted consequence was that race incidents became even more common because the corner speeds were absurd due to the increase in downforce, so high drivers could go flat if they wanted to. There was also a small issue, and really, this isn't any biggie, bestie… It's just that the Venturi tunnel is really sensitive so if anything went under the car or drivers went 1 mm over the kerb, the effect would be cut down and the car would fly away (*ﾟｰﾟ)ゞ. Needless to say, people got seriously injured and died at a much higher rate.

Same RE30B model. The black lines are the side skirts, you can see how - in this view - they go higher (therefore, when you turn them upside down, lower) the rest of the floor so they can "seal" the tunnels

Another curious consequence of ground effects sensitivity was "porpoising". The variation of "states'' a car could find itself during a race (for instance, turn versus straight, higher altitudes versus lower altitude, accelerating v. braking) meant that even if you kept your Venturi tunnel in place, there was still enough variation in speed and pressure under the car to compromise significantly your downforce, causing the car to go up and down as it travelled through the track, kinda like a porpoise in the sea (where the name comes from). the result was drivers absolutely going through it during the entire race and leaving the car feeling nauseous, headaches, as if spent the day on a boat. the nausea/unwellness also made them more accident prone, specially those from teams with less apparatus aka more rudimentary ground effects. (Tumblr will murder me if I attempt to add one (1) more gif here so I will leave plenty of porpoising in F1 examples in this 28 min video of F1 ground effect cars doing laps around the Goodwood circuit. I think it's particularly perceptible in the Lotuses. Also they shot this in film and the resolution is bizarre so check them out). There is also this gifset I did of Niki Lauda's McLaren that shows it rather well

Side skirts were originally banned for the 1981 season onwards after all the scenes that had happened since their introduction, in an attempt to minimise the more dangerous side of ground effects. but of course, teams found a way to cheat using hydropneumatic suspensions to keep the car up during scrutineering and lowering it during the race, bringing back the potential of their Venturi effect flooring. The FIA just said "fuck it, we will bring side skirts back, good luck to you all," going back on a statement that for once was good for the safety of the sport (and as we'll see, proving them right on having banned them in 1980). For the 1983 season, side skirts were once again banned and flat bottoms became mandatory, bringing an end to that section of the aero party. The expectation is that ground effects get reintroduced in 2022, but even though we have had 40 years to learn about them and the aero of a car is far more sophisticated now, i still don't be trusting like dat.

Note: Bringing back side skirts is one of two stupid decisions that were taken against the safety of the drivers for 1982. The other one is the number of cars allowed on a race weekend: between 34/36. Even though only the top 26 qualified to race on Sunday, it was still 34 cars at the very least partaking in free practices and qualis - and indeed, some memorable incidents happened during these moments as we'll see.

(next up: "heating the tires: the drivers strike in kyalami!")

[fakeloveaskblog]

I think you. should ask Janus to "slither" over to your house! But also give him options! Like, "would you like to join me for dinner at my house? Or do you prefer to just go on a walk? How about we go to a fancy restaurant~ My treat~. Or maybe just enjoy each other's company at a park? You don't have to of course!"

(Words: 2095)

Logan: "Ah yes wonderful tactics stranger! This will surely be useless in my upcoming attempt!"

It was nearing the end of the day. Janus was closing up. Meanwhile Logan was trying to calm his nerves by reminding himself that he was objectivly very cool. He had on one of his best sweaters to look extra good (it had the tardis on it!).

"Alright. Looks like we can go home and have an existential crisis about the passage of time" Janus said motioning towards the exit.

Logan took a deep breathe before grabbing onto the sleeve of his crush' shirt "Please wait just a moment. How long have we known each other?"

"I guess since I started working here...so around 6 months? Please don't tell me you’re quitting! Work would just become soooo much more enjoyable"

"I was actually wondering if you mayhaps would like to accompany me on a so called 'hang out' during our leisure time...Today...Or some other day! If you want to! You don't have t-"

"No! No I would hate to!- Love! I mean I would love to!" Janus couldn't stop himself from grinning.

Logan flapped his hands in happiness "Good! So would you maybe like to go to the park nearby or-"

"No! Yes! Yes!"

"Great!"

Logan walked out of the library and held the door open for Janus. After quickly locking they walked towards the park. It was a simple small one. Just some trees, lots of grass, lots of people smoking grass, a pond, angry ducks, even angrier swans and exactly 1 ice cream shop.

All Logan wanted to do was take his crush' hand. It would be hard to do even if he tried to because Janus was constantly fiddling with his gloves. He was barely even looking at where he was walking.

"....I'm sorry for the weird way I talk sometimes" Janus quietly confessed "With the backwards talk. I kind of lie when I get nervous? I think?"

"Oh I know" Logan replied.

"You kNOw?" Janus' voice went up a tone.

"It is very noticeable but it is also quite charming if I may say so myself" It took a moment before he carefully added "Besides I have read that compulsive lying and also vitiligo can come from great stress or bad...events so even if I did not find it charming I wouldn't hold it against you either"

A small smile played on the edges of Janus' lips "Thanks"

"No need"

He took an impressively deep breathe before he stopped in the middle of the road and dramatically grabbed onto both of Logan's shoulders to stop him. He stood on his toes to make himself taller and stared into his love's eyes.

"I do not think you are also charming at all!!!" Janus very loudly announced.

Logan let up into a chuckle. He forced himself to keep eye contact "Well thank you"

Janus let go of him and kept walking very very quickly to try and distract from his red cheeks and heavy breathing. That was flirting right??? He had flirted??? He had done it??? He'd flirted??? The little voice in his head that he was starting to think was his self confidence trying to break through to him would be so proud!!!

“So would you perhaps like an ice cream in these trying times?” Logan asked. He was walking with his hands clasped behind his back.

“Oh right I would definitely love something high calorie that would just make me even more gross”

“Somehow your thick layer of sarcasm was the part of that sentence with the least falsehood in it. We can share one? Or if you get uncomfortable eating desserts in front of other people we don’t have-”

“SNAKE!” Janus interrupted him. 

He ran out into the grass of the park and hunched down to gently pick up a slippery snake. It was small enough to keep in one hand. He was repeatedly hitting his other arm against his leg and putting his fingers in uncomfortable positions.

Logan happily sat down next to him. Janus ungraciously shoved the snake right up near his face.

“It’s a baby northern watersnake! It’s not venomous I promise. It hunts fishes in the water. Isn’t that cool? It’s also one of the few species that doesn’t lay eggs! It can even put out musk to protect itself!! It’s so-”

He realized how much he was ranting and immediately forced himself to stop. He stopped his arm as well. He was so annoying.

“I apologize. Sometimes I just run my mouth and I do these stupid motions”

Logan boped his nose “The only stupid thing about that is you assuming I wouldn’t want to hear you rant. Or see you....stim...? I literally flapped my hands 5 minutes ago. I do not judge”

Janus shrugged at the stim question “My mother did always say that my father has adhd but that was in an insulting way. When I have done research on adhd I relate to a lot of it but it’s not like I have a diagnosis or anything”

“Bitchass mother” Logan mumbled under his breathe “I do not have diagnosed autism either but I do still now I have it.....Besides....Not to brag but I have both a deegre in both psychology and medicine so I can basically diagnose myself anyway”

Jan was already too overwhlemed to ask how the hell he had had the time for 2 bachelors deegre only to end up at a library.

“Anyhow we don’t have to talk about psychology...now...............maybe one day though” Logan did a little robotic evil laugh “For now maybe you can infodump about that snake, then we can get a shared ice cream and then I can infodump about glorious star trek. How’s that for a plan?”

His crush took a deep breathe before nodding. He stood up and cupped the snake in his hands. “You want to go to the pond don’t you little guy? Want to hunt and murder a few fishes don’t you?”

He turned to Logan and shuly said a few more facts while they went to the pond. He patted the snake on it’s head before carefully setting it down among the plants at the water’s edge.

The friends sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the snake as it looked for prey. (Though Logan spent most of the time adoring Janus’).

When the snake caught a small fish and swallowed it whole Janus broke out in happy flaps. He let out a happy squeal while pointing at it. Logan nodded back at him. He mimicked his flapping. 

He’d never seen Janus’ smile that brightly. Logan took his hand. Intertwining their fingers. They stimmed together until Lo pulled in his hand making his crush stumble into him. 

Jan sat with his head leaned against his chest. He looked up at Logan with blushing red cheeks. He forced himself to move back even if he didn’t want to.

“Sorry”

“No need” The nerd assured.

He stood up and held out his hand to help Janus up. They didn’t let go of each other’s hands as they walked towards the ice cream shop.

“To piss off homophobes” Janus lied up the explanation while motioning for their hand holding.

“Of course”

They ordered a scoop of lemon ice cream and sat down by the tables outside. Janus had taken off his gloves.  Their hands laid on top of each other. 

“Do you also have that experience where” Logan stopped to take a bite of ice cream “You categorize your life into what you were hyperfixated on at the time? For example I remember that when I met Patty I was into Doctor Who and right before then I was enjoying Sherlock Holmes”

Janus shrugged. He didn’t want to say that he had a hard time even remembering most of his life clearly “I can see the Doctor influence” He nodded towards his tardis sweater.

Logan’s eyes lit up “Oh have you seen it??? The ninth and fifth doctors are my favorite! Though as a bi man I can not ignore David Tennants’ everything”

“I have seen exactly 0″ 

“Well that is not a problem that can not be fixed! When I met Patty she hadn’t either- maybe because we were 12- but I show-”

Janus choked on his ice cream “12? Oh wow. For some reason I had assumed you were older”

“Oh no. She moved towns and started in my class. It was almost love at first sight. I stole flowers from my neighbor and invited her to see the movie everyone in town was talking about....Kung fu panda”

He broke out into a laugh.

“Don’t laugh at me Janny! It was an incredibly tactical decision. You see I knew she liked animals and the kung fu panda is a panda”

Janus doubled over the table while continuing to laugh “Me throwing popcorn at myself during my first hangout almost seems cool in conparison”

“Popcorn is usually hot. Not cooled down” Logan corrected. “Though to be honest the start of our relationship was sort of what you can call a ‘mess’ since as you already know both of us were foolish enough to think Patty was a guy. So suddenly I had to come to terms with liking guys. Until she told me she was a girl. So then I was straight. Until I met Thomas but that is a whole different story. It was like some people say a rollercoaster”

“Am I rude for finding that funny?”

“Yes incredibly and frankly you should be dragged to the guillotines right now”

Janus leaned closer to him with a sly smile on his face “Aw ~darling~ I didn’t know you could be sassy”

Logan did his best to hide how the nearly choked on his own spit “Yes I can indeed be if I want to. Just like how I have been able to have adequate facial expressions and voice tones and also eye contact during our whole hangout. Normally I only have a lot of expressions and tones if I am talking about hyperfixations or my wife”

“You don’t have to do that around me”

“Really? It does take a lot of energy to try and appear ‘normal’ but I was afraid of coming across as rude”

“Darling I find you lovely either way” Janus was going to pour up the biggest glass of fucking wine when he got home. He was a flirting machine!

“Oh okay” Logan relaxed his shoulders and started looking at a point right next to his shoulder instead of at his eyes. “Want to hear about Star trek the next generation? It’s the one with Data in it”

Janus squeezed his hand “I definitely have a very good idea about who that person is. Yes please tell me”

Logan went on a very very long infodump which Janus happily listened to (and did his best to reply to even though he didn’t know much). He was sure he would never get tired of hearing him talk. The ice cream nearly melted because they were both too busy with what he had to say.

“-And that is why the poetry actually have significance” Logan concluded after nearly half an hour.

“Well that sure sounds like an interesting series”

“I can show you it? Soon? I have it all on dvd”

“It’s a date- I uh I mean like planned thing not like romantic I mean-” Janus babbled out.

“I am aware of what you meant” He checked his watch “It is probably a good time for me to depart. It’s my turn on laundry today. I will get to categorize socks!”

“Wow. Sounds like a party”

Logan excitedly nodded. He stood up. Janus did as well. They looked down at their still connected hands. Jan was about to let go and simply leave but to his surprise Logan pulled him into a hug.

He leaned down and moved his arms around Janus’ waist. In return Jan quickly stood up on his toes and buried his head into his love’s shoulder. He breathed in his scent. Coffee and strawberry jam. He closed his eyes, taking in the moment.

“Janus, You are so special to me” Logan murmured while holding onto him as hard as he could.

“I- I love- I love being around you” He whispered back. Too afraid to say the truth.

Logan tried to memorise the way it felt to have him this close before letting go and taking a step back “Well I will see you tomorrow then”

“Can’t wait!”

[hannah-deactivated20220725]

2020 End of Year Friendship Post

Alright, you guys know that I love to make gushing posts about people I’ve grown fond of.

Well, I’ve decided to make a big one for the end of the year. Celebrate the friendships I’ve created and/or maintained in the last year. This is obviously not EVERYBODY as I have shit memory and some of my friends have left the site (T_T) but this list will be a bit long, so I’m gonna post everything under a cut so that it doesn’t bother people having to scroll past it. (: to the people not mentioned in this but that follow me: thank you so much for supporting me & my writing adventure. I know that my blog has been through ups and downs, has changed immensely in the course of the past year, but I hope that you guys still enjoy and do not regret following it.

If you do, feel free to unfollow. I understand that some of you probably followed me for my games or events, which I no longer post here. If you do follow for my games, don’t forget I have a blog centered around writer games now!! You can find it at mywritinggames. You don’t have to follow this blog if you just followed for games. You can follow that blog. I won’t be offended. <3

Alright, enough of that. Let’s get into some lovey-dovey mushy-gushy words of adoration for all a lot of my friends!

PS here’s a list of everyone I tagged on here with comments and the paragraph number in case you want to skip straight to your mush comments:

1. Toby 2. Franka 3. Szandra 4. Raev 5. Jade 6. Lynxxie 7. Ravage 8. Andy 9. Pax 10. Keena 11. Ariadne 12. Ellie 13. Katie 14. Etta 15. Jake 16. Aurelien 17. LJ 18. Fatal 19. Avery 20. Amanda 21. Ari  22. Galaxy 23. Elizabeth 24. Dawny 25. Cat 26. Kry 27. Eris 28. Vermont 29. Erin 30. Piya

The final paragraph is a general comment to everyone, so please make sure to read the final paragraph as well! Thank you all for existing, for staying alive through a rough year, for being here for me and for being my friends. You are all amazing and deserve everything, all the energy love and positivity you put into the world. <3 I love you guys!

1. @lordkingsmith - I’ve already beaten this dead horse, but you are SO INCREDIBLE and I have no idea what my entire mentality would be if not for you. You’ve saved me from giving up on my dreams multiple times by your positivity and always knowing how to help me!! Any time something happens, you’re right there with a solution and it’s mind boggling. You’re literally the only person that can be like “here, help yourself this way” and I won’t get upset about it because I trust you in a way I trust SO few people. You are my little brother and I am so, so happy Jason Zephyr and a stupid tomato guessing game brought us together ;)

2. @franky-ts - girl... you’ll always be my twinny. Always, always. I can’t imagine life without you in it. Even through me deleting my blogs what, 3-4 times now since we met? I always come back to you. You are always the top 2-3 people I search for when I come back because you are my twinny and if I don’t get to have a tumblr experience without you, I don’t want it! <3 I love everything about you and I’m so glad to know you. I’m so grateful to have friends like you that always reach out to me and try to cheer me up when I’m feeling down. I always want to share my ups and downs with you. If not for the damned timezone difference, I probably would. Love you, sis.

3. @catharticallysarcastic - probably my favorite person I rarely speak to ;) A friendship started with writer games and the beauty of her name (Szandra for those that don’t know)... you are a remarkable and beautiful person and you deserve the world and all of your dreams with it. I wish this world was perfect so you could live in a perfect world because you, my friend, are great. And sweet. And amazing! Thank you for being a good friend to me.

4. @raevenlywrites - I know we don’t talk much anymore. I don’t really bombard you with asks like I used to, but I do still cherish you, not only as a writer, but as a person. You have a beautiful heart and are such a caring individual. You will go out of your way for other people and this world needs MORE PEOPLE like that! You are incredible and I hope you reach the absolute apex of what you think life should be. That is my 2020 wish for you. <3

5. @jade-island-lives - Jade.... Jade, Jade. Another great friend that’s been here through my ups and downs of a couple of different blogs I’ve ended up remaking. Jeez, it’s been so long I can’t even remember how we met. But I’m so, so glad we did. You are beautiful. You are so caring and kind. Your writing is amazing and your characters are just... *chef kiss* But this isn’t about your writing, as amazing as it is. This is about you. This is about how amazing YOU, as a person, are. This is about how much I love and appreciate you as a person. This is about how much I am grateful to have friends like you in my life. This about how you’ve been here for me through so much and how I can’t imagine if I’d never met you. Even though we rarely talk like we used to, I still cherish you like we talk every freaking day. Life gets busy, especially as adults. Shit happens, life gets hard. But through everything, just know I love you and am always, no matter what, here for you. <3

6. @wyldlynxx - Lynxxieeee ~ my little Nane fangirl xDDDD you are amazing. You don’t give yourself near enough credit for how awesome you are. You make me laugh and so happy to be alive. We don’t chat like we used to, which... to be fair there are very few that I do still talk to regularly. But I still love you and our friendship. I wouldn’t trade it - for you - for anything. (: I hope one day we can catch up again and start chatting more again because our chats always, always put a smile on my face.

7. @mrs-raven-writes - Ravage! My savage little Ravage!! My buddy! Hey! Hi! You are awesome. Our conversations are so unique every time. We don’t just have the typical ‘hi how are you’ talks. I mean yes, sometimes we do if it’s been a while since we chatted, but for the most part, we’ve had all different kinds of talks. My favorite is when you randomly approached me saying you almost threw down with someone because of a game. xD And finding out that even through your absence you still keep track of me? T_T I was so flattered and still am. You are amazing and you also do not give yourself near enough credit for how amazing you are. I am so glad to know you and I hope that 2021 treats you better than 2020 did because I’d love more than anything for you to message me telling me how incredible you feel and how much life has improved. I freaking love you, girl, and I want nothing but happiness and love for you. (:

8. @violetcancerian - Andyyyyyyyy~ hi!!! omg what to say... I’m not even sure how to say what I want to say. xD A friendship forged by mutual love of King Arthur fiction... turned into what it is now. Even though we rarely ever talk anymore, I still feel so close to you... and I hope that you know that you’re still a very special friend to me. ^_^ you are so sweet and so ENTHUSIASTIC! You spread so much love to others and it just makes me smile! It makes me so happy to see you on my dash, not just for the fics, but for YOU. You, as a person, are worth so much, and I hope you get everything you ever wanted because I want nothing but the best for you, my friend! Happy new year and thank you so much for being my friend. <3

9. @magic-is-something-we-create - Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaxy!! One of my most enthusiastic friends! I always know that I can just chat your ear off about the things that have me excited because you just get so excited with me! You’re like my “pump me up” buddy because your excitement then causes me to get more excited! Instead of mocking my hyperfixations, you get enthralled with me, and I LOVE that!!! You are so encouraging and so increidbly sweet and thoughtful. You always put a smile on my face and even when it’s been weeks since we’ve chatted, our conversations are never stale. I always know if I message you, we’re about to have a fun, exciting conversation. I never get bored of our chats or of you because you’re just so FUN and put such a big smile on my face!!! I love the friendship we’ve built and I really, honestly hope it never ends because you’re amazing. <3

10. @keen2meecha - hey, buddy! We haven’t really chatted in a while but I wanted to include you because we used to chat a lot more. And it was so fun getting to know you and sharing my passions with you. I really hope that we get into touch more in 2021 because I never want to lose that bond we shared back when we chatted more! I enjoy so much talking with you and getting to know your works and sharing mine with you! I hope you have an phenomenal 2021, my friend.

11. @confundere - another buddy that I always look for when I restart my blog (which has happened an embarrassing amount of times). Ariadne is a passionate person with so much to offer this world and I cannot imagine ever restarting my blogs without contacting her. You are someone I think of frequently, even if we don’t chat as much as we used to, and I’m so glad to have met you. (: thank you for being such a great friend to me, and for being so supportive of me. I hope you have a terrific 2021. Happy new year, friend!

12. @howdy-writes - Ellieeee~ we have had many fun chats via our posts and I have massively enjoyed going from “oh what a cute blog” to “wow this girl is amazing!” I have enjoyed from going “aw how cute, she likes lesbian cowgirls” to “this girl IS a lesbian cowgirl!” You have so many incredible layers that are so fun to figure out and you are such a joy to get to know! I’m so glad I got the courage to reach out to you and talk to you because you are one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met on this site. You always have nothing but sweet things to say and I just.... I look up to you so much. Your kindness, your positivity, your love. You, all-in-all, are a role model I wish I’d grown up watching. I hope that all the youngesters following you realize that you are someone to look up to. ^_^

13. @abalonetea - you... oh, Katie, you. It still makes me laugh how long it took me to stop calling you Emily in my head xDDD you’re incredibly talented. But beyond that, you’re a great friend. Always supporting others. Always willing to be there for others. You’re a great person and deserve as much love and support, if not more, as you give. You are so kindhearted and just all around, the best kind of friend to have. Thank you for being one of mine. <3

14. @ettawritesnstudies - one of my newer friends from this year! It was so fun collabing on a positivity event with you! My hope is we can do something like that again because you were a joy to work with. ^_^ you are so kind though. So kind and so thoughtful and supportive. You are exactly the kind of friend I want in my real life. You are the kind of person I could see myself really opening up to and texting every day if I knew you irl. People like you are what make this world worth living in and people like you are what make the world a nicer, better place. I’m so grateful to know you and that you decided to join tumblr. Thank you for everything this year and I look forward to another year of friendship!

15. @homesteadchronicles - Jaaake!! Omg we don’t chat like we did when I was first recommended your blog, but I still cherish every conversation. I cherish every hi and am always sad when we have to part ways. I think about you frequently, even if we don’t always talk. I’m always wondering how you are, how your writing’s going, how your year’s going. You have been a joy to get to know and I really hope one day we can start chatting more again because our conversations always leave me with a smile on my face by the end, and I simply cannot say that about just anybody. Happy new year, friend, and I hope you have a terrific 2021.

16. @copperplatescript - Aurelien!!! I’ve probably said it before but I LOVE your name. It’s so unique compared to names I’ve heard in the past. But beyond that, there’s an amazing person attached to the name!! I love sharing things with you because interesting conversation always follows. You are so fun to chat with and you have so much interesting stuff to share! Your fascinations are so fascinating and it’s so much fun watching the progression of your projects!! I miss our chats but I know 2020 has been a hectic year for most. I just hope 2021 brings more fun and fascinating conversation and brings us closer as friends ^_^ thank you for several months of a wonderful friendship. (:

17. @ljscrawls - sheesh, I can’t believe it took me this long to get to LJ!!!! My buddy ol’ pal. Talented, sweet, fun, funny!!! Pretty much all the best traits in one amazing person. You always bring a smile to my face and leave me feeling so freaking special. There are very few that can make me laugh, cry, flattered and just so happy in one single conversation. You bring so much joy and love in my life and I just can’t imagine ever losing your friendship. And I hope I never have to because I don’t want to be without you in my life. ^_^ thank you for being such a great friend. I love ya!!

18. @fatal-blow - I know we’re not like SUPER close or anything. But I wanted to let you know that you are amazing. Not just because your talent is beyond anything I have the words to voice but... you are such a fun, passionate person to speak with and it’s fun watching you talk about things you love, especially your characters. The way that you make your characters feel so familiar when you talk about them, like you’re talking about an old friend. It’s simply inspiring. I’m so glad I found your blog and started commenting on your posts because the conversations that have ensued due to it have been so memorable. I’ll never forget you, even long after I stop being on tumblr, whenever that happens. Thank you for everything.

19. @just-a-little-bit-of-sugar - girrrrl. You’re someone that I really miss. You are so sweet, just like your name implies, and such an uplifting person to talk about. You’re so positive, and you know. I do really cherish that about you but that isn’t what makes you so special to me. Everyone has down days and I don’t ever want to make you feel like I’ll appreciate you any less for having them, like your positivity is the only thing that makes you worth friendship. Good or bad days, you are a great friend and I want to be here to celebrate the good and help you through the bad! You’ve been a great friend to me over the last year and I only hope you can say the same to me. <3 hope you’re doing well.

20. @amandahoyle - god, our friendship started with a mutual love of DARK writing. Started with my writing of Death Has a Face and other dark stories centered around death and your series I’m reading with DEFINITE darkness in it.... but it evolved into this beautiful thing it is now, that I wouldn’t trade for the world. You are a remarkable friend, always having nothing but nice words for me and I so appreciate how you lift me up during hard times. You’re always here for me and willing to help bring me out of my own personal darkness. And I love and appreciate that so much about you. You are a phenomenal friend and I just don’t want to imagine ever losing your friendship. Thank you for being so kind and so patient with me over the last several months. I’m so grateful to have you in my life, even if just virtually.

21. @leafgreen6 - Ariiiii!!!!!!! One of my earlier friends! I met you through Galaxy and our friendship kind of blossomed. The three of us together create quite a dynamic trio even if we don’t chat together like we used to. You are amazing. I hope you realize how incredible you are. You’re so beautiful, inside and out, and you are so caring toward your friends. You love and support those around you and have such a beautiful heart. You are talented af and a total badass. <3 I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. Thank you. Thank you.

22. @books-of-lunacy - Jesus! Girl, we literally never talk anymore! I hope you’re well. I miss you. We forged a great friendship that I will never, ever forget, even if it fades away. Because you’ve been amazing over the months and I’m so glad to have met you virtually. I used to imagine if we met in person many times xD and I think you’d be a fun person to like go on adventures with at midnight, when the world around us is asleep. (: I’m glad to know you and I hope that 2021 brings you joys that 2020 tried to take away. Miss you and again, I hope you’re well. Thank you for being a friend.

23. @incandescent-creativity - we used to chat sooo much when I discovered your blog, when I originally created this blog! You were one of the first people I sought out when I recreated it because you inspire me SO MUCH. Your passion for your writing and characters... your kindness when answering questions... your silliness and just overall personality and attitude, it all inspires me. Every. Damn. Day. I know I haven’t done my “ask spree” stuff I used to do frequently, which got you accustomed to my url (and was also the reason you apparently actually noticed my disappearance when I deleted my original blog) but just know that I think about you frequently. Not just as a writer and creator, but as a person. As an amazing, inspiring person that I strive to be more and more like. You are incredible. Thank you for showing the world who you are.

24. @dawnsplaceyt - I know you’ve been busy lately and life has gotten hectic but I just wanted to let you know I still think of you frequently and am grateful for the friendship we’ve built over the last year. You are such a warm person with so much passion and love and I’m so glad to have been one of the people that got to witness that. I am so thrilled that your relationship took the next step and I can’t wait to see you start the next chapter of your life. <3 I hope you’re doing well and that the end of 2020 and all of 2021 treat you well. Love ya girl.

25. @missionkitty - Jesus. I can’t believe you’re all the way down at 25. But either way, here we are. One of my favorite people that I met through the odds of an otome game we share a passion for. Your art is breathtaking. I love your style and you as a person are just as breathtaking. You are so free and passionate!! You have so much love for the things you care about and that is so admirable. I look up to you so much, especially as an artist! I strive to be more like you one day. <3 thank you for being so amazing! I look forward to another year of friendship.

26. @kryskakikomi - okay, we know each other more through games and events than we do through actual chats, but I’ve always WANTED to talk to you... and build a friendship? One of my goals for 2021 is to do more outreach toward people I have wanted to talk to but never quite got the nerve to reach out to and you’re one of the top on the list!! I’m thrilled we’ve had interactions at all but I’d be so happy if we could have more in the coming year! Hope your year goes well. (:

27. @leave-her-a-tome - uh, you’re awesome. Enough said, next! No, just kidding. xD but I wasn’t kidding when I said you’re awesome. Even just seeing you on my dash gives me a thrill. You have so much talent, yet are so humble about it and are so happy to support others. It’s quite inspiring to see someone that is so incredible be so down to earth and not full of themself. You are so fun to chat with too! Our chats are usually short but they still bring me such joy. To know that someone as amazing as you LIKES to chat with me? Humbling. And thrilling at the same time! I will never, ever forget you or the time we’ve spent talking and working together!! Thank you for everything and for the support and I hope you have a great 2021!

28. @vermontwrites​ - okay, I know we haven’t spoken much since the Prompt Pals days but I really enjoy your presence - both on my dash and my DMs. You have been through so much yet hold strong. Yes, I know some days are really hard for you but your strength and resilience are inspirational. I hope you know you’re not alone and that I’m here if you need someone to lean on, if you need someone to vent to. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to push through everything alone. You have friends that care and that want to be here for you. You are incredible and deserve love and friendship. I hope you recognize that. Thank you for sticking around and for being you. I hope 2021 goes better for you, my friend.

29. @rhikasa - okay. I know, we mostly communicate via games, but you have been such a positive force on my dash and notes in the last year. I know we don’t chat much but I do still appreciate you and want you to know that. I don’t know like if you think about me beyond the games, but I certainly do think about you and am always hoping you’re having a great day/night. You’re awesome and creative and kindhearted and I’m so appreciative to have you as a mutual. <3

30. @piyawrites - Piya!!! We haven’t really communicated in a long time but I still cherish the times we did chat. We have had so many good conversations with giggles and enthusiasm and support and I love your energy! You’re such a positive force and such a great person to know and chat with and I’m so so grateful for that. You’re wonderful and I hope you recognize the light that you shine on others lives because you do. And you deserve that same level of loving energy that you bring to others. Thank you for being a part of my online world.

Thank you everyone that is listed on this. You are are all so freaking wonderful and each and every one of you hs made a difference in my life. You all have played a big part in why I have stayed on this site and I cherish each and every one of you for all kinds of reasons. I hope you all know how loved and appreciated you are and I wish you all a very happy New Year. May 2021 show many improvements upon the last year <3

[beguilingcorpse]

Hey I took ur ouran quiz and the questions were awesome and I did indeed get dragged to filth, as has everyone in the tags, but I think we're all too embarrassed to post pictures of our results bc the callouts were so accurate kjshdfkjsdhf but im so curious abt the others,,, would you mind posting all the descriptions you did? I'm so curious. either way thanks for a banger of a quiz!

AH omg i’m so glad people are enjoying it!! and im sorry that people are getting called out lol but I did try to warn you. im mad that uquiz doesn’t have a “see all results” feature but here are all of the descriptions!!

haruhi:

you give off main character energy but also don't give a shit about being the main character. if you got this answer you probably also relate to tamaki or kyoya but ONLY one of them. you have mixed feelings about the other. you don't think you can experience love the way everyone else talks about it. you crave physical touch but your intimacy issues prevent you from seeking it out so you're stuck wishing anyone else would initiate it and anticipate your needs. people have said that they were drawn to you and a GOOD number of people have told you that they liked you. 9/10 times their crush was unrequited. you're still friends with all of them. hope ur doing well with that gender crisis you're going through!

tamaki:

wow. you're truly a dramatic bitch. maybe people find you a little grating but you're charming enough that they still hang around you for some reason??? ur a big romantic and your expectations will never match reality. every time you pass a mirror you get caught up in your own reflection, even if you don't consider yourself attractive. your self esteem swings WILDLY between "i'm a terrible person and no one really likes me" and "i'm perfect and everyone wants to be me". you definitely have SOME kind of parental complex and you projected way too hard on disney movies in your childhood. how is your hyperfixation with beauty and the beast treating you now? you genuinely want to be a good person but you find that your actions often have unintended consequences. being a wine mom (or your gender equivalent) is absolutely in your future. you're pretentious as fuck and your favorite book is probably pride and prejudice or the picture of dorian gray or some fruity shit. also you're in love with your best friend and im sorry

kyoya:

you have written PARAGRAPHS of analysis about whatever show or movie you're hyperfixated on and definitely talked about it with people who aren't familiar with the source material. you're just a little bit of an asshole (or at least you think you are) but you have a close group of friends nonetheless. you're a good liar and everyone hates playing among us with you. debate is your love language. you wonder constantly why anyone likes you at all. despite this, you're surprisingly loyal (even beyond your own expectations). you like being in charge of a situation even if people don't view you as the leader outright. you're never manipulative with malicious intent but you enjoy seeing the influence you have on others. usually this amounts to introducing them to a new show or hobby. people have told you that they've liked you and your first instinct was to say "thank you, but no you don't". you're just emotionally unavailable enough to be ~intriguing~ but consider swallowing your pride enough to tell the people in your life that you love them.

hikaru:

you know that feeling where you make a joke and maybe one or two people really laugh at it but everyone else doesn't know how to respond? of course you do. you have a very defined sense of humor and you feel like there are only a handful of people who really get you. in reality, part of this stems from the fact that you judge other people, make assumptions, and are slow to forgive. you've definitely given a friend the silent treatment for DAYS... and what was it for? are you happy living life this way? do you so love believing yourself to be misunderstood? i promise there are other people out there who like your obscure interests just as much as you do. pause your early 00s pop punk for a second and get over urself.

kaoru:

are you excited for the big recital coming up? you must be, since you've been playing second fiddle for so long. you're probably disappointed with this response. you wanted to be a main character. you feel like sometimes ur a background character in your own life. most of your friends are people you met through pre-existing friendships and you pretty exclusively hang out in groups. you're a good person and people enjoy your company, but there's maybe only one or two people who would call you their BEST friend. that's okay. you feel the same way. you rarely come up with plans or jokes, but you can "yes and" like there's no tomorrow. maybe your life is a little boring, but at least its comfortable. it's a shame, though. there are a lot of people who could help bring you out of your comfort zone, if you'd let yourself leave your bubble every now and again.

honey:

so. you have a complex. that's okay! most people do. you just HAVE to be the hottest person at the supermarket or the friend that EVERYONE loves. you have a lot of friends but only a few people who really, truly know you. you use humor or flirting or playing dumb to deflect from the fact that you have a SHIT ton of walls up around you and you're afraid to let anyone beyond the facade you put up. you aren't hurting anyone by doing this, but it does get a little lonely sometimes. you like the attention you get, even if it's pretty surface-level. you have a weird thing about crying in front of other people: either you do it too often or you absolutely REFUSE to. you just want to be held. and honestly? don't we all.

mori:

holy shit. you're SEXY. you know EXACTLY when to shut the fuck up and it's hot. it's a double-edged sword, though. when was the last time you let yourself be someone's shoulder to cry on? and when was the last time YOU cried on someone else's shoulder? hm. might want to work on that. you don't think too highly of yourself, but you recognize you're a kind person. bit of a doormat tho. perhaps you've even been called "subservient". it's a shame you're so emotionally closed off, because your friends would honestly love for you to open up more. if you did anything competitive in high school--choir, drama, band, sports, etc.--you were never a soloist or the star player. you played defense, didn't you? you were in the chorus, weren't you? i bet you were in percussion (not the quads tho). your biggest flaw is that you refuse to acknowledge how important you are to other people. there's a gardener and a flower in every relationship, and it's time you started being the flower.

[likesomekindofcheese]

How do you think Roger would be with someone who had adhd? (I'm so sorry if you've gotten this before, I only just found your blog)

I've always presented more on the inattentive side, though I can be hyper, but it mostly makes me a really messy person to live with, like I just can't clean anything up, and when I try to it quite literally sends me into a breakdown. And I infodump to people all the time, and I'm just a wreck really in all areas. My adhd is a massive issue in my life and I just honestly wonder a lot how people I idolize and love would treat me because of it

Could I get HCs for Roger in a relationship with someone who has adhd? I'm gonna describe kinda what part of ADHD I present as. I'm like, more of the inattentive type. I daydream a lot and have a really hard time processing words people say, so stuff always flies over my head. But I'm also hyper sometimes, and I can get quite loud and obnoxious. I also overshare a lot (lmao this ask is an example of that I guess) and I hyperfixate on a lot of stuff. I also get really overwhelmed by like, strong emotions, and that translates into me flapping my arms and making really loud noises, which I hate about myself. Basically I'm just a mess, especially so right now, and I so desperately want comfort from Rog

Hi there Nonny! Thanks so much. I think oversharing actually helps so that way I have more detail and more to play off of and that way I will be able to probably have a more accurate portrayal of ADHD as well! Also thanks for your patience! This past weekend I was rehearsing an online play and it got busy and I was trying to conserve my energy and recharge myself when I could!

Also, it’s normal to hate yourself. You have worth and enoughness even when you don’t feel like it. I’ll say it again, your worth, okayness, and enoughness does not change with how you feel. I have to remind myself that sometimes too! If you ever need to send another anon or dm me, please feel free to! I am not a counselor, but I have a listening ear. Let me know once you read it and what you think!

 I wrote about ADHD Reader’s before. Here’s one with Joe! And here’s one with our badger loving spaceman, Bri!

If I get this wrong in any way, drag me gently via anon or dm. 

First off, Roger is a bit inattentive himself. He probably doesn’t have anything diagnosed, he is just a little antsy and easily bored so his mind wanders. He doesn’t have a problem keeping up with your energy. I can see you two enjoying a night stroll and then stopping at a playground to go down the slide and have fun on the swings, for example!

Both of you are more on the messy side. When you move in, your clothes are strewn across chairs and on the floor. When Deaky comes over to visit he has a heart attack at the sight of it. 

He saw you breakdown from trying to clean and hugged you, assuring you would find a way to make it more fun.

But sometimes you pitch in and play music while picking it up and wind up dancing and it’s really cute.

Eventually, he uses some Queen money to hire someone to help pick up after your stuff as a gift. That way, it looks a little nicer and you don’t have to worry about breaking down.

Sometimes he will be chatting away as you ride in his car, squeezing his free hand. Then he feels your grip loosen as you look at the green blurry trees passing outside. He will go “Y/N, what’s up!”

And you look and shrug with an embarrassed smirk. “Was just...just daydreaming. Isn’t it silly?”

You felt a little ashamed admitting that to your rockstar drummer boyfriend. But he shook his golden head and said “no! No, it’s not!”

Both of you get to be loud and obnoxious together since he’s the most extroverted member of the band. Dinners together are so much fun. Even after your dessert plate is cleared with leftover chocolate stains that Roger will scoop and lick off with his fork, you still have fun. You both laugh and talk a lot. He makes you smile so hard your face hurts from all of the smiling.

If there are any spats or conflicts, both of you calm down and take time to process it, then go back to the conflict and solve it.

He helps you remember all sorts of things like the car keys or phone numbers. So then you say “you’re a genius, Rog!” and he says you’re welcome by kissing your cheek or wrapping his hand around yours.

Rog is also really intelligent. He could listen to you infodump and ask questions and be involved. He also buys you gifts and experiences involving your hyper fixation. He loves to give you all sorts of gifts and it’s really sweet.

When emotion overwhelms you, he walks you through it. Talks with you. He gives you space to flap your arms. He never nags you and doesn’t verbally nag you. Nor does he do anything to shame you. He lets you communicate your emotions and he responds kindly. He used to parent you, but he stopped. He let’s you be. Even though Roger is the wild boy, he has a heart of gold beneath all of those cigarettes and cheeky smirks.

 He asks questions about your ADHD. He even reads a couple articles about it. 

You adore him with all of your heart. You know you can be yourself and be loved and safe with him. You love to hug him, be the first to listen to all of his songs, run him hot baths after a long day, and you never stop telling him how wonderful he is to you.

And the same goes for him. You’re his angel and shining star.

Taglist: @queenlover05 @seraphicmercury @ewannmcgregor

[guccybangtan]

Stray Kids as Quarantine Activities

this is my original idea (as far as I know) so pls credit me if you make something similar! these were kind of hard to come up with!

Chan: Learning how to play an instrument:

If you and Chan were stuck together during quarantine we all know it would be filled with activities.

(let's be honest number one should be sleeping but we know chris don’t roll like that)

He would be working on stuff for Stray Kids

Producing, writing, whatever he felt needed to be done at the moment

You?

Probably sleeping or eating

The days where you would accompany him to the studio (without anyone else of course bc social distancing) you would watch him work his magic

Eventually, you’d ask him if he could teach you how to play the piano

Of course he would agree bc bubba would be so in love that he’d do anything for u

After you ask him he brings home one of the keyboards so he can teach you

He’d def be the type to do the whole romantic hand over hand on the key thing

Your hands would rest on his while he played a bit so you could get used to the feel of it

Would reward you with kisses when you got things right

Aaanndd even when you got them wrong

Chris is so dedicated that there’s no way you’d fail

By the time quarantine was over you were the next Beethoven

Someone please get me a chris i love him sm

the rest under the cut

Minho: having a picnic inside

Minho is very much a do what he wants when he wants to kind of person

So when you told him he couldn’t go have a picnic outside he was like  ヽ(ಠ_ಠ)ノ

You offered to help him have one inside where it was safe (social distancing folks!!)

It turned into a mini date

You were cutting up fruit and making mini sandwiches

You even went as far as to make some fresh lemonade

Minho was of course making a super extra picnic set up.

He laid a few blankets on the floor to make it squishy

Then he made walls and a roof out of a sheet

You brought the tray of cutesy foods into the small fort

After grabbing his laptop Minho settled in with you

Cue some cheesy romcom while you eat and have quarantine cuddles

10/10 would probably end up sleeping in the fort and waking up with everything fallen on top of you two

It would be a very fun/ chaotic event

t miiiggggghhhhhtttt get a bit pg-13 but that's a story for another time

Changbin: dalgona coffee

Changbin is whipped™ ( no pun intended)

Since all the two of you had been able to do recently was scroll through social media it was safe to say you were bored

Changbin was content with cuddling you but you had other plans

Social media gave you lots of ideas on things to do but let’s be honest

Y’all are lazy af

You had seen the new whipped coffee craze like a million times

It looked easy so you decided to do it

Boy were you wrong

You weren't even mixing for two minutes and changbin was already whining

He stopped mixing and began to pester you

You told him if he could finish it you’d give him kisses.

Man did bribery work well with him

Once it was whipped enough you got the milk and ice out

Ngl changbin would probably spill the milk and cry about it

He’s baby

Yours would be *chefs kiss* exquisit

Changbins…

Not so much

Baby would beg you to share yours with him

Of course you would be binnie baby is too cute

Hyunjin: cooking

Cooking with hyunjin was always a mess

He liked to be in charge but forgot the simple things like washing the veggies

It started out nice

The meat was cooking away in the pan

You were making some chocolate covered strawberries for dessert

Hyunjin was supposed to be chopping the veggies but homeboy got distracted

By what you may ask?

You.

“You’re so cute when you’re focused!”

Featuring his cute squealing

Then things would go south

The veggies aren't cut

The meat is burning

Its complete anarchy

You decided it would be better to just order take out as opposed to burning down the dorm kitchen

Hyunjin would still beg for strawberries even though he couldn’t complete his task

(you gave him some anyway)

Jisung: Dying your hair

This would be total chaos from the start

Mixing the dye would be fine

But as soon as you were ready to apply it Jisung was flinging it everywhere

He insisted on using his fingers

(does not work)

When you make him use the brush he gets it practically everywhere but your hair

You were trying to do a split style but Jisung would get so much everywhere

You’d just go one color

He’d be really supportive

Is honestly trying his hardest

Baby just gets so bored

Has too much energy the whole time

It would be an experience but the end result would probably be good

Next time though?

Probably get Chan who is good at everything he does

Felix: making tiktoks

Felix swore the best way to spend quarantine was to make tiktoks with him

it would be fun

You two would be super cute doing the dances

He’d make fun of you when you couldn’t learn renegade

He’d also be a good teacher though

Would def wanna do the POVs

It would be soooo cheesy

But honestly actor felix in the building

Someone get this man an Oscar!

You’d mostly sit and watch him do it

Tiktok is kind of overrated so

But if felix loved it you’d support him

Would last all of five minutes before yall decided to do something else

Seungmin: Doing his makeup

It took 12 years for you to get seungmin to agree to let you do his makeup

When he finally agreed it was at the cost of a tickle war

(Which you lost)

((it was quite the price to pay))

You’d try super hard

Eyeshadow would be bomb af

I'm talking glittery with some sharp eyeliner

Gems over his eyebrows

Maybe a lil eyeliner heart underneath

Jk jk

Unless ;)

He’d be a bad bitch

You’d probably put waayyyy too much blush tho

Seungmin would rock it

10/10 the next miss universe

Jeongin: Animal Crossing

Immediate hyperfixation on Tom Nook

Would want to bring every villager to the island and get mad when they dont all fit

Would 100% fight that fuckin bunny from easter

“Tom Nook wants too much money’’

Makes cute lil gardens everywhere

Constantly changing the layout of the island even though it costs 2395497 bells

Best friends with Isabelle

Never fast forwards through island announcements

He’d probably make felix get it so he could raid his island

Jeongin would have the cutest clothes dont @ me

He’d always play sooo intently

Can never get his attention when he plays

You’d play together at night while you cuddled

Tries to find tarantula island and gets scared when he finds it

would not time travel

fin.

Hope you guys liked this! I thought it was really cute :)

[metalbatandzenko]

About me taking breaks from this blog

Hey everyone!

You might have noticed that I’ve been taking intermittent breaks from this blog. I try to announce it when I am, because falling off the face of the earth isn’t exactly courteous of me.

I’ve been getting a lot of asks asking if I’m alright and/or if there’s a reason why I’m kind of shutting myself off.

And here’s the thing. I know I don’t technically owe anyone an explanation for why I’ve been doing that. 

But I do want to give one. 

So think of this as more of an update I guess? Anyways, update under the cut. 

Warning: it’s long.

So, about why I’ve been taking breaks/why I haven’t been as interactive lately.

I’ve been rolling this around for a long time and trying to form the words to express all this.

There’s several major factors going on here, but the TLDR is I have an issue with feeling guilty about everything, even when I have no obligation to a person or situation, and it’s tanking my mental health.

1. The first, and most inconsequential, is I’m back to school. 

I’m a full time college student generally and have been since I started this sideblog. But as of this semester, I’ve officially transferred to a new university, which means school is taking up more of my time. 

I’m also in an honors program now, which means maintaining a 4.0 is—for financial reasons—more important than ever. I’m a bit stressed out, I’m not gonna lie! 

Also, the switch to remote has been a particularly rough one. I’m having a really hard time defining the boundary between “school and homework time” and downtime, which means anytime I spend not doing homework is really just spent with me feeling overwhelmed with guilt that I’m not trying to get ahead in class.

2. The world is kind of going through shit right now.

I’d be a liar if I said the state of the world isn’t killing my motivation. There’s a lot of shit going on, and it’s overwhelming. It feels like the second we slow down to catch a breath, a new tragedy hits. 

3. My depression is kind of killing me.

Like everyone, isolation is fucking with me. It has the fun side effect of piling onto my depression, so I’ve been really having a hard time finding the will to do anything, even things I enjoy. 

This also links to that feeling of guilt over not being productive: I want to do something I enjoy, but I can’t because I’m consumed with guilt over the fact I’m not meeting some perceived “productivity quota”, so instead of doing that work, or doing something I enjoy, I do nothing. I’ve been sleeping more these past few months than I ever have, but I’m still tired all the time.

4. Family matters.

I’m lucky in that I’m quarantined with my parents, so I have some interaction, but that also means that I am quarantined with my abusive father. As a closeted, nb gay mixed-asian, being forced to spend almost all my time with my violently racist, homophobic and transphobic white dad has been uh. not great for my mental health.

He also just finished his second round of treatments and we’re waiting on a prognosis to see if he’s cancer free or not, so I’ve been grappling with my extremely mixed feelings surrounding him (as well as the fact that I’ll likely be outed at some point and have to plan for an emergency exit when I live in a different state than the rest of my family and the majority of my friends in the middle of a pandemic) for the past six months or so.

5. I have been teetering dangerously close to full burnout for about five months now, and I think it’s finally hit.

Like I mentioned, I’m sleeping more than I ever have in my life. I’m tired all the time, and I keep getting hit with waves of just. really aggressive sadness and isolation. I’ve cried more in the past month than I have in uh. years.

Writing fanfic is a hobby. The problem is, my hobby overlaps with my major: I’m a creative writing major, so a lot of my creative energy has been going towards that.

Trying to balance both is a really tricky line to walk, and I just can’t do it right now. I’m struggling enough with class as it is, so content creation has fallen to the wayside, and I feel really shitty about that, especially since it’s something I enjoy.

I also felt like I always had to be “on”/accessible for this blog. (This is a personal problem that stems from growing up in a very service based culture, and one I’m working on, but it required time away and better boundaries on my part.)

6. Increased sense of alienation from the fandom at large.

This is kind of linked to 5.

Being able to keep anon on is really important to me, I know I personally don’t always feel comfortable sending asks to people off anon (I’ve joked before that even with users I’m genuinely friends with, I send asks on anon bc I don’t want them to feel like I’m waiting on an answer). 

I only answer about a quarter of the asks I receive (I won’t say a quarter of the asks people send me given tumblr’s tendency to eat asks). About a third of the asks are: asking me when a fic of mine will be updated/a wip will be posted, accusing me of something, flat out rude/hateful, or asking really invasive personal questions. 

I’ve gotten a few asking me to elaborate on specific traumas that I don’t think I’ve even mentioned on this blog, which is both violating and extremely entitled: as if someone else gets to decide if my trauma is legitimate enough or something.

There are also the asks that I either don’t have the energy to give the love they deserve and avoid because I feel guilty about that, or just flat out I don’t want to answer.

But deciding not to answer the asks sent in good faith makes me feel incredibly guilty and ashamed. This, again, is a personal problem, and one I’m working on.

I also feel my hyperfixation on opm beginning to fade.

But generally, I just feel less connected to the fandom. It’s mostly because my lack of spoons means I’m not reaching out to people as much, but there are other factors too. It sounds dramatic, but I’m still a little shaken by the spat I had with another opm blog a couple of months ago.

And generally? I don’t think the fandom is as active anymore anyways. Some small, self-absorbed part of me still blames myself for some of that, because the timing of the fandom dying down and fracturing came right after the dispute I mentioned.

7. I really want this account to stay associated with happy things, and I’m not feeling too happy right now.

This blog was one I made because I enjoyed opm and wanted to have fun with it. I still love opm, and I love some of the friends I’ve made on here, but I just. I don’t feel the love for the fandom as a whole right now, and given all the negative emotions/things I just laid out, I’m worried about it somehow rubbing off on this blog, both for me, and for the people who follow me.

---

So yeah, that’s what’s going on on my end. I’m trying to stay positive and take care of myself, but I’m beyond overwhelmed, both for reasons related to, and entirely unrelated to this blog.

I want this blog to feel positive, and I worry this feels like I’m fishing for pity. That’s not it. I just need to get it off my chest, and kind of lay out where I am for you all, because I care about you.

Anyways, that’s all I got. I don’t know if I’ll delete this for now, but for the time it’s up, I’ll have it pinned to my blog. 

Love you all, and be gentle with yourself.

[olympiansally]

For a long, long time, I’ve felt that I will never be okay. I still think that this is the best it will ever be, and I’m trying so hard to convince myself that being numb is better than feeling everything.

We don’t know each other, but your energy, in fact, the energy of most people in this fandom is so contagious that it distracts me sometimes from all the emptiness and all the pain and despair.

And I thank you deeply for that.

***Trigger warning for: mental health struggles and discussions of depression!! I tagged it but i’m also saying it here just to be safe! ***

Hello anon! ☺️

First of all, thank you so much for the message! I’m extremely glad to know that myself and this fandom have been able to bring you some comfort and distraction!! It means a lot to know that i’ve been able to help you in any small way and please feel free to talk to me through asks or private messages any time!!!

I’m very sorry that you are going through that and having so many difficult feelings! I usually don’t talk in depth about my own mental health difficulties here, but i’ve had an ongoing struggle with depression for most of my life. Currently i’m in a good place with it and am doing very well with my current medication, but i had a very dark time last year when things got incredibly hard.

I might be projecting in assuming your feelings relate to depression, but i always prefer to treat mental health discussions too seriously than risk treating them not seriously enough. I can’t bear the thought of not helping someone i could have helped so i’ll do my best to help you here (which might be more than you asked for oops so i’m very sorry if i’m intruding)

I definitely understand where those feelings can come from and i am sending you very strong wishes that it gets better for you soon!! Please try not to lose hope that things will get better! I know how difficult that can be to believe sometimes but holding on to that can be a way to keep yourself from giving up which is one of the most dangerous things for us to do when we feel like that!! For me personally, even the make believe version of a better life was something i could mentally escape to when reality got too hard and the wish to make it my reality was what eventually got me to try again once i was mentally able to

I wish i could give you some actual advice, but i don’t know your personal situation and i don’t want to be condescending or accidentally suggest something that might be impossible for you or too far from your reality because i know that can do more harm than good! So instead of actual advice, i will be giving you some general advice that i think can be applied without too much context of particular case to case situations!!

1. Reach out for help, companionship and comfort! I know this can be impossible for some ppl to get in their real lives, but what you just did by sending me this ask is a very valid version of doing this online!! I myself am incredibly glad to know you felt comfortable talking to me and i want you to know that you can keep sending me asks or come talk to me on private messages if you want! In fact, the only reason i’m not sending you a private message right now is the fact that since this came anonymously so i don’t know who you are so that i can message you! But really, i’m always open to talk to anyone who wants to and this is specially directed to ppl with these sort of feeling who want to talk to someone who has been there too!!

2. Cling to the things that bring you any form of happiness! And i mean this even in the smallest of ways. If all you can do in terms of enjoyment is think about a character you like, then do that!! Every small inch of happiness you can get is valid and important and that goes from actually performing some type of fun activity to just thinking about something that brings you comfort. Any and all little sparks of happiness are important and can help your brain to get back in a place where it wants enjoyment and is capable of actively doing things to allow you happiness! ***Trigger warning for thoughts of suicide, pls skip ahead to the next number/paragraph if this might be triggering for you*** This may sound silly, i know, but it worked for me. In a very bad time in my teenage depression (back when i was 15 and absolutely hopeless) i convinced myself to just live long enough til the release of the last book in my favorite series, because that was the last thing i wanted out of life and the only thing i looked forward too. And that extra time i bought myself meant everything because i managed to get better and get help in the meantime and by the time that “deadline” came up i remember crying thinking of how much better i had gotten and how thankful i was that i managed to trick my brain to give me long enough to do it! That might have been easier to do for me than it would be for most ppl because of my other mental health issues so it came down to a mental battle between my hyperfixation and my depression and thankfully the hyperfixation won than one!! But i still recommend trying it even if that’s not your case!

3. Get specialized help! I know not everyone can get it but i NEED to point out that this is the most important thing here!!! I am no mental health expert and everything i’m saying here has to do with my personal experience and absolutely nothing can replace the advice of an actual trained expert! It would be extremely irresponsible of me not to say that!! I know not everyone can afford therapy or has the real life conditions to even go to therapy, so I researched some free and online options and while i only searched them now and recommend doing a deeper search if you want to use them, i will be linking here the best options i found!! Even if you are just having those feelings but don’t think you are actually depressed, i still recommend trying therapy! I am a firm believer that everyone should go to therapy regardless of having mental health difficulties or not, just like everyone should go to the doctor to make sure they are healthy and stay that way! Like i said, i researched these options now and i’m not familiar with them so i recommend looking them up further but i know even the effort of looking things up can be too much sometimes which is why i decided to do it for you! Anyway here are the best options i found:

- https://www.therapyroute.com/article/helplines-suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-from-around-the-world - this site has gathered hotlines from around the world that can help! I am not particularly comfortable talking on the phone so if you feel that way too, the next options are all online! But if you would be comfortable on the phone, this site seems to have pretty much every country i could think of and they are organized alphabetically!!

- https://www.7cups.com/ - i think this is a good option if you don’t feel ready for therapy! It provides a 24/7 online and free chat with peers that have gone through the same struggles and trained listeners! The site also has payed therapy session options, but the next two links have free and online therapy options as well!!

- https://therapyaid.org/ - this site has payed sessions but it works with a basis of volunteers and it seems like they also have free therapy options!!

- https://www.doctorondemand.com/?correlationId=4080af72-413b-4e83-a34c-f413215781f4 - this site/app connects you with doctors, including mental health experts and from what i gathered it can be a good option if you need to get medication prescriptions like maybe antidepressants! Of course, that would depend on the doctor’s evaluation but the appointments seem to be free as well!!

I’m sorry if this has nothing to do with your situation anon or if i read way too much into your words, but i recognize reflected in your feelings a lot of what i myself tend to feel when i’m relapsing into my own depression!! I apologize if this was unrelated to your case, but i felt like i couldn’t ignore this chance to help ppl like me and even if it isn’t your case, this might help others, so i did my best with the information i got!! A lot of times ppl don’t get the help they need because others underestimate their struggles and i couldn’t risk making that mistake here!

Either way, i’m incredibly glad that me and the fandom have been helping you and cheering you up in any way!! And i am always open to talk either through asks or private messages!!

Thank you so much for reaching out and giving me a chance to help others just as i’ve been helped when i needed it!! I’m wishing you all the best ☺️

[mcrmadness]

I've been meaning to ask this for a while, but do you have any song or album recommendations for Apulanta? So far I've only heard Toinen jumala and Lokin päällä lokki. Absolute bangers, but I've always had a hard time listening to new songs for some reason. Guess it's a comfort zone thing? Also, do you have any other Finnish band recommendations? I just think the language sounds pretty.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA thanks for asking about my hyperfixation and also sorry because now I cannot shut up but you can only blame yourself for that!!! XDDD

No really, I had to look for the song Toinen jumala because I remember it exists but I think it was just some special release that was not on any studio album - they do those sometimes - I am not even sure if I have listened to this song before :D But it sounds incredible!!!

Anyway, both of those songs are in their nu-metal style. And the song and album recommendations really depend on what you want from music. They have a quite long history - the band was founded in 1991 and they have been through lots of changes what comes to their musical style - still somehow they have managed to sound like Apulanta for all these years and I don’t know any other band that would sound exactly like them. No song on an album is like the other and you can’t listen to just one song and think you have heard the whole album now. (Sounds familiar eh? :D) Anyway, I’d say they kinda went from punk to “melodic minor key pop” - that is an actual description of their first album, which didn’t sell as well because they made what they thought people wanted to hear instead of what they wanted to play (but I love the album too!) - and then back to punk after almost breaking up because people didn’t like them that much. From punk rock they evolved to alternative rock, to a bit harder nu-metal sounding music. In 2004 their bassist left the band after 7 albums, and this is the time when I kinda grew out of their music and stopped listening to them.

I found the newer music only last year or something, I was never interested in it because it was too metallic for me and the songs I heard from the radio were either uninteresting or too slow for me. But that was a mistake I made because I literally judged the whole albums based on just a few single songs and those did not tell the truth of the albums. I really learnt to like those albums, but my favorites will be forever their first 5 albums.

So I see you have now heard only newer songs. I don’t really even like Lokin päällä lokki, because I have never understood nu-metal. Explains why I wasn’t that much into their albums Heinola 10 (6th, 2001) or especially Hiekka (7th, 2004). Heinola 10 still has several very awesome songs but I have never really gotten behind Hiekka, even today.

So, shortly: if you want punk, listen to Ehjä (2nd, 1996) or Kolme (3rd, 1997). If you prefer alternative and a bit more metallic rock, also accompanied with string instruments, then go for Aivan kuin kaikki muutkin (4th, 1998) or Plastik (5th, 2000). Plastik is actually my favorite album of all these, but I’m also love Ehjä and Kolme, and am very fond of their first album: Attack of the A.L. People (1995). They also have tons of great b-sides so the single compilation albums are great too.

From the newer albums the lates 2 are my favourites and I actually like to divide their history into two: old Apulanta (1991-2004) and new Apulanta (2005->), mainly because I was a fan when I was 9 yeras old and old Apulanta was a part of my childhood, but then I had a pause and found them again in 2008 or 2009, and started listening to the “new Apulanta albums” for the first time pretty much a decade later.

This is the song that peaked my interest after years, it was the first punk sounding new AL song I had heard ever since their late 90s era and I liked this song a lot and it still slaps!!! The song is called Zombeja! and here’s it’s music video too:

I’ll put more songs from different eras and styles under the cut! The max amount of videos in one post if 5 so I’ll put the audio ones behind links.

For other band recommendations - there’s plenty of bands but it really depends on what is the genre and other things you’re going for. I don’t think I can put too many videos in one so I can e.g. reblog this post with videos from other bands I like - I’m not too fond of Finnish music as it’s mostly metal or boring Finnrock and I don’t like those really. Or you can also send another ask where you specify what you would like to hear so I can try to find something that’d match that.

OLDER STUFF:

Systeemi kusee - from their punk era. At this point they still had two singer-guitarists. The title means “The system sucks”.

ATTACK OF THE A.L. PEOPLE:

Here’s my favorite song, Aurinkoon (”To the sun”), with a video where it’s a playback but for some reason the recording is not in sync at all but I can’t find a better video of this at all. I think someone filmed it from a dvd from tv screen.

Päivästä toiseen (”Day after day”), no words, it’s a bit slow but I think it’s really pretty!

EHJÄ:

...silti onnellinen (”...still happy”). The second and third album were very similar but not in a bad way.

Mitä kuuluu? was the hit that was their breakthrough. It was first released on an ep called “Hajonnut”, “Broken” in English, and they were going to break up if it didn’t work. But it did work, better than ever, so they stayed together and that’s why the second album was named as Ehjä, “Intact”.

KOLME:

Mitä vaan (”Anything”) is one of my favorite songs still day, of all time.

Mato (”Worm”), this is hilarious. I love the lyrics but unfortunately can’t translate them right now :D

AIVAN KUIN KAIKKI MUUTKIN:

Hallaa/008 (”Frost”) is just so. good. Also the video is interesting, it’s very gore and has nothing to do with the song itself :D Their old bassist directed all of these old videos of theirs.

Teit meistä kauniin/007 is one of their most famous songs. On this album they didn’t give the songs any titles, they gave only numbers to them and because of that I still am not entirely sure what are all the songs on the album. I don’t have names for them and I only remember the single releases and other songs that ended up having names in public. It’s interesting.

PLASTIK:

Käännä se pois (”Turn it away”), I just... this is very similar to the next song but I love them both - this might be the one whose audio I remember from my childhood.

Odotus (”Waiting”), I remember this music video from my childhood. It’s my only actual memory of the time when I was a “fan” of them. The actor in the video was in a Finnish soap opera (that my mom didn’t let me watch but I watched it was my cousins’) and I was very confused of why he was in the video and if it was him. Somehow didn’t understand what an actor is.

Terä: with a video but low quality OR better audio but no video, I’m linking this only because it’s one of my favorites and really shows how this album can yet again be so diverse!

Ei yhtään todistajaa, this just slaps and also has a cool video for it.

Maailmanpyörä (”Ferris Wheel”), absolutely one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. EVER.

^You can see maybe that it’s my favorite album :D I just can’t decide only one song!

OTHER STUFF:

They have also made two English albums - both have songs with lyrics either translated into English or with completely new English lyrics but all the songs are originally in Finnish. With the second one they clearly have rerecorded the whole songs but with the first one they have just done the vocals:

Viper Spank

Apulanta (Import) - I think this is actually an English version of their 2002 album Heinola 10.

***

Okay I think this is enough for now! Here are lots of my favorite songs, lots of videos (unfortunately there’s no better quality versions of the old videos anywhere) and way too much text! I hope you’re not overwhelmed and feel free to ask if there’s something you want to know! You can also see my Apulanta tag for newer songs (and also for some older ones) since I’ve been hyperfixating on the newer albums a lot lately (I saw them live in last February and never recovered lol).

I think I won’t talk about other bands here now - except if you are interested in comedy rock or fun punk, then there’s Klamydia. But I think I should do an individual post about them in that case. Anyhow, check this song from my favorite album, the song is called Ooko tehny lenkkiä (pyörällä ilman penkkiä) aka “Have you driven a bike (without the saddle)” and, well, the lyrics are what you can imagine them to be too :D The sound of that song just clicked to me and had so much dä energy I just had to listen to them even more :D Let me know if you want to know more about them too, tho with them the fun part literally is in the lyrics (and sometimes in videos) so it might be difficult to understand things sometimes.

[meta-squash]

Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating),  difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

 Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.