#and am not telling anyone I’m doing this

[balletfilmss]

STARTED OUT WITH A KISS, HOW DID IT END UP LIKE THIS?

✸ pairing: rockstar! percy jackson x ballerina! reader

✸ synopsis: after months of sneaking around behind the media’s backs, you and your boyfriend make your relationship public!

✸ warnings: not proofread. like, at all.

✸ notes: hey so im alive btw…. so here’s pt.2 to could you make it any more obvious?

“are you sure you want to do this?”

you asked the question for the millionth time, finger hovering over the bright blue button on your phone screen, identical to the one percy was eager to press.

the two of you sat together with phones in hand, seconds away from making instagram posts that would launch your relationship to the public after months of sneaking around. even though you’d already been caught once or twice…

“sweetheart, how many times do i have to tell you yes until you believe me?” percy chuckled, looking at you with those kind eyes of his.

this was his idea, for crying out loud. you knew that the media would eat it right up, with the two of you confirming their month-long suspicions and dating rumors.

that being said, you also knew that there’d be a lot more backlash from his fans than yours. who cares if a popular ballerina got a boyfriend, right?

but a eligible, hot, bachelor rockstar that had millions of fangirls all around the world?

oh, you were totally in for it.

one of the great things about percy was that he seemed to not only have great musical talent, but also the ability to read your mind.

“look, i can’t promise you that making everything public will be easy, though i think not having to sneak around definitely will,” a laugh out of both him and you. “but what i can promise is that whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together.”

that paired with a reassuring squeeze to your leg drew a smile right onto your face. you took a deep breath, reassured that no matter what happened, you still had him.

“okay,” you nodded, skimming over your Instagram caption one last time. “i’m ready.”

“on the count of three?” percy asked, holding his phone directly beside yours.

“one…”

“two…”

“three.”

together, you clicked post and watched as the upload line chased the edge of the screen until finally, it was public. everything was public.

dropping his phone on the couch, percy wrapped his arms around your abdomen and squeezed, pulling you from the cushions until you landed in his lap.

with a shriek of surprise followed by a fit of laughter from you both, you held his face in your hands, grinning at it another like two idiots in love, which you were.

“alright, swan lake,” he smiled, face close to yours. “everything just changed.”

“i don’t think so, not really,” you shrugged. “i’m still me. we’re still us. only difference is now we don’t have to go sneaking down alleys to avoid people.”

“always a bright side with you,” your boyfriend swooned at the mere sight and sound of you, his eyes filled with nothing but adoration and love. you could’ve sworn you saw hearts in his eyes.

“well, you are mr. brightside.”

that reference to one of his songs was all it took. percy leaned back into the couch cushions, pulled you with him, and kissed you so good that it didn’t matter what anyone commented on social media.

instagram!!

…now playing: last call — greek symphony

officially.yn: yeah, my boyfriend’s pretty cool 🤍🎸

tagged: impercyjacks

view all comments

impercyjacks: wow who’s that hottie in the last picture?? 😍

╰┈➤ officially.yn: idk, some musician 🤷‍♀️

its.piper.mclean: you big fucking liar, I KNEW IT

╰┈➤ officially.yn: I’M SORRY PIPES, I PROMISE I WANTED TO TELL YOU

╰┈➤ its.piper.mclean: I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS 😭😭 breaking up with you IMMEDIATELY, yn ln

╰┈➤ officially.yn: NO, piper bby don’t do this 😔

╰┈➤ impercyjacks: i am RIGHT here

user45: YL LN AND PERCY JACKSON WEREN’T ON MY 2024 BINGO CARD BUT IM SO HERE FOR IT

username: THE LDR CAPTION OMFG

╰┈➤ user72: and HIS BAND’S song playing???

╰┈➤ username: I DIDNT EVEN NOTICE THST OMG YOURE SO RIGHT

the.leovaldez: i KNEW i wasn’t crazy

╰┈➤ impercyjacks: bffr. you didn’t know SHIT

╰┈➤ the.leovaldez: I KNEW YOU WERE SNEAKING AROUND W SOMEONE

╰┈➤ jasegrace: leo. frank’s deaf cat knew he was sneaking around with someone.

╰┈➤ frankzhang: you leave maisie out of this.

username: THE COUPLE OF THE CENTURY OMFG

user289: this is THE hard launch of all hard launches

╰┈➤ user: but was this REALLY the launch, or was it all those tabloid articles 👀👀

impercyjacks: spoiler alert: she didn’t break my heart & i did, in fact, see her again ;)

╰┈➤ user: OMFG LAST CALL IS ABOUT YN???

╰┈➤ username: SHUT THE FRONT DOOR

impercyjacks: love you, swan lake 🤍

…now playing: paparazzi — lady gaga

impercyjacks: but i’m not as cool as her 🩷🩰

tagged: officially.yn

view all comments

officially.yn: last pic was not necessary.

╰┈➤ impercyjacks: but you look so cute :((

username: HE HAS A GF?? MY LIFE IS ABSOLUTELY OVER

╰┈➤ user293: girl get a grip….

╰┈➤ user: okay but like the gf is YN LN, it’s okay

the.leovaldez: yeah and guess who knew first? ME

╰┈➤ impercyjacks: actually…that was jason

╰┈➤ the.leovaldez: …. GUESS WHO KNEW SECOND?? ME 🗣️🗣️

username: girls, we lost him 😔

jasegrace: thank god, im sick of keeping your secret

╰┈➤ officially.yn: didn’t you tell us once that it felt like gossip girl?

╰┈➤ jasegrace: THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO STAY BW THE THREE OF US

username: YN LN AND PERCY JACKSON ONFG COUPLE OF THE YEAR

its.piper.mclean: im forwarding every last piece of media paper work to you.

╰┈➤ impercyjacks: send it on over 🫡

╰┈➤ its.piper.mclean: YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKIN HAPPY ABOUT IT

user29: majority of the pictures just being her 🥹

╰┈➤ fan9: and the fact that the FIRST one’s her, so she’s on his feed now

username: isn’t yn ln like…a terrible dancer? she’s so overrated fr

╰┈➤ impercyjacks: shouldn’t you like….get a fucking life??

╰┈➤ user28: OH GAH DAMN

╰┈➤ fan28: GAGGED THEM FR

╰┈➤ user18: OHHHH HE DOESNT PLAY WHEN IT COMES TO HIS WOMEN

officially.yn: i love you so big, rockstar ♥️

[newluvrs]

PARTY 4 U [PT. 3]

Sungchan ₊ ⊹₍ᐢᐢ₎  mdni!! 18+ currently listening to: PARTY 4 U - CHARLI XCX word count: 9.7k bb note: im not even gonna lie I think like half of this is smut 😭😭... lets just call it an early birthday gift 2 myself 🙂‍↕️

“What are you thinking about?” 

The room is bathed in a soft light from your bedside lamp, your eyes heavy with sleep.  A glance at the digital clock in your room tells you it’s a little past 3 a.m..  You’re in no mood to leave the current comfort of your bed, and even if you were in the mood, you still wouldn’t.  Not when the person you’re resting against is Sungchan, not when he feels so warm and safe.  This is probably too intimate of a position granted you’re supposed to just be friends with benefits, but sometime between leaving a party with the intention of fucking and actually getting into bed with him, you both changed your minds and settled for the comfort of the other.  It’s the middle of the night, and you’re not in the mood to face the complications of your relationship right now, so you don’t. 

“I’m getting so old.”  

He doesn’t try and conceal his laugh, making it clear that he finds your statement ridiculous.  

“If you’re old then that means I am too.”  

“You’re right my bad.  We’re getting old.”  

That makes him laugh harder, the sound of it making you smile, heart warming. 

“Since when have you been concerned with age.”  

You can hear the sincerity in his voice, his genuine curiosity for something he’s never heard you mention before.  As you lay with your head on his shoulder, he brings a hand to play with your fingers, before settling for intertwining them.  He’s testing his boundaries right now, seeing how affectionate you’ll let him be before you eventually pull away, and he’s grateful when it seems like tonight you don’t feel like making him leave.  

“’m not concerned with age..”  

You trail off and he stays quiet, recognizing that you’re trying to find the right way to word this for him.  You love that he doesn’t rush you, that he waits until you find what it is you want to say.  

“I’m concerned that I’ve made it this far, but that I know so little.”  

He hums in acknowledgement, turning your words over in his head.  He knows that you have a lot on your mind, having talked with you like this many times before.  Admittedly in a less intimate context, but he’s familiar with you enough to know that you need to let everything out before you want to hear from anyone.  You curl into him a little more, moving your head from his shoulder to rest on his chest now.  From this position you can hear his heartbeat, making your eyes feel heavier and causing you to feel more tender.  Something about it makes you want to bare your heart to him, but you guess that’s just what it feels like to be with Sungchan.  

“At what age are you supposed to stop fucking up.” 

It’s mumbled into his chest, and if he wasn’t hanging onto your every word then he might’ve missed it.  His kneejerk reaction is to deny your words, tell you that you’re not a fuckup and that he wishes you saw yourself the way he did, but he knows it’s not what you need.  He presses the urge down, pursing his lips as he hums so that way you know that he heard you.

It’s quiet like that for a few more minutes, and you’re starting to give in to sleep.  His heartbeat is soothing, lulling your eyes closed.  Just feeling and hearing how he’s alive is enough for you to find comfort in.  You wonder if he knows how much it is that he helps you, maybe one day you’ll tell him.  You’re just about to fall asleep when he speaks again.  

“Remember how my car got hit last semester.”  

He thinks you might have fallen asleep when he doesn’t see you move, and secretly he hopes you did so he can stay with you like this a little bit longer.  

“In the H-mart parking lot right?”  

You do remember, you remember because although you felt bad for him, the story was hilarious.  He had just pulled into H-mart towards the back of the lot with the spaces on either side of him completely open.  You’re not sure why he didn’t immediately get out of his car, but you remember that he lingered a little bit before going into the store.  While he was waiting, the car in the space behind him managed to reverse directly into his car.  When Sungchan had left his car to get the other person’s information, all the person did was give him a hug, which he accepted, before they got back into their car and drove away.  When he told your friend group, all of you laughed until you had tears in your eyes.  

“My mom was so pissed at me for not getting their information, and everyone laughed at me for it, especially since it’s considered like the one thing you’re supposed to make sure to do in that situation.” 

You nodded your head, wondering where this was going but eager to hear him speak.  

“Initially I was so mad when it happened, I was already having a bad day and then that.  But when they got out of their car, it was a little old lady.  She was so apologetic.. how was I supposed to make her pay for that?”  

As he recounts the story, he sounds like he’s truly reliving the moment.  All you can picture is Sungchan, already upset after a long day, attitude immediately doing a 180 when he saw how upset the old woman was.  You picture how maybe he saw his own grandma in her, how he would never be able to bring himself to inconvenience someone that way.  It makes you think of how much shit he must have gotten from his parents and his friends, even when he did a good deed.  

“My point is, without context, my actions seem pretty foolish.  To most people, that was me fucking up, but I don’t feel that way..”  

He can feel the way your lips curl into a smile, the feeling making his heart beat a little faster.  You feel like Sungchan always knew what to say to make you feel better.  He knew that you didn’t need to be lectured, but he also knew that you weren’t one to accept mindless compliments.  Instead, he did his best to make sure that you knew that he was always right there with you, through whatever it is you were feeling, finding the middle ground where he could.  You nuzzle into him further, wrapping your arms around him as you close your eyes, ready for sleep.  

“Goodnight, Sungchan.”  

Things might look different in the morning, but you’re okay with what they look like right now.  You feel him pull up the duvet to cover the both of you, he tries not to move too much so as to not disturb you.  You can feel his eyes on you as you drift off, and right before you give into sleep, you feel his lips gently press against the top of your head. 

“Goodnight, y/n.”

-

That memory stings your heart now as you lay here in your bed staring at the ceiling, running moments through your head again and again.  All the warmth has left your room, and what’s left is you, curled up alone in the middle of your bed.  The signs of him that still linger only serve to mock you further, making you come face to face with the memory of what you said.  In the week that has passed you’ve been a shell of a person.  Only able to keep up appearances for work, and even then if someone looked too closely your puffy eyes and morose cadence would give you away.  But if anyone noticed they didn’t mention it, and you’re grateful for at least that.  

You confided in Shotaro 2 days after that night, it had been a tough day with everything going wrong.  Your last straw was your car refusing to start in the middle of the rain, so in your driver’s seat you skipped the scream of frustration and broke down in a mess of tears.  As you pulled up your contact list, your finger lingered a little too long over Sungchan’s contact.  Your mind filled with thoughts of him blocking you, why would he want to talk to you right now, what if you just hurt him more.  You shook the thoughts from your head as you scrolled past his contact and dialed the other person you knew you could trust.  You listened to the hum of each ring, Shotaro picking up on the 3rd one.  

“Y/n? Is everything okay?” 

On the other end of the line you sniffle, staring blankly through your windshield as you let the numbness of heartbreak consume you. 

“My car won’t start.”  

You note the confusion in his voice, and it’s evident in the pause that follows.  You picture him pulling the phone away from his ear to double check that it’s you who called.  On the other end of the line Shotaro wants so badly to ask why you didn’t just call Sungchan, but he can tell by your tone of voice that somethings not right.  When he hears your sniffles he stands to get ready to leave his apartment, gathering his things.

“Send me your location.”  

-

It took him about 5 minutes to get to you, and upon seeing you and the state you were in, Shotaro declared that he would just take you home, making promises to find a way to get your car back to you.  You sit in his passenger seat staring out the window, watching the lights of the buildings go by.  You don’t notice but every 2 seconds Shotaro takes a concerned glance at you through the rearview mirror.  When he notices you shivering he makes sure to turn the heat on in his car, quietly mumbling how summer rain can get cold.  You don’t respond, you just cast your eyes down to pick at your wet clothes.  You wonder if this is how Sungchan felt.  

When he pulls into the parking lot of your apartments, instead of just dropping you off, he parks and shuts off his car.  A beat of silence passes, and you know that he’s waiting for you to start.  You swallow the lump in your throat, letting a new wave of tears fall, accepting that there’s not a whole lot you can do to stop them in this situation.  

“I fucked up.”   

He nods to himself, taking in your words, debating what it is to say next.  He doesn’t think beating around the bush will do you any good, but he wants to be delicate given the state you’re in so he chooses to speak softly.  

“Is this about Sungchan?”  

When he watches the way you clench your eyes closed in an effort to fight the tears, he knows he’s hit the mark.  He reaches a hand out to rub your back, trying to be of comfort as you try and quiet the sounds you make as you cry.  In the passenger seat of his car, you look uncharacteristically fragile.  When you get your voice to feel a semblance of strong enough, you speak.  

“I tried to set him up with Karina because she said he liked him.”  

When Shotaro hears this he cringes, thinking about how it would make him feel, but he knows you better than to think that you would ever do something without a justification in your head.  

“I really thought I was helping him.. I thought maybe I was holding him back from finding the love it is he deserves.. something that he wasn’t finding with me.”

The pain in your voice bleeds through in your final sentence, all your vulnerabilities finally exposed.  From next to you he sighs, and you know he doesn’t do it to mock you.  He’s sympathizing with you, while simultaneously betting to himself that you didn’t convey that pain to Sungchan.  

“He showed up at my door in the rain and confronted me about it.  Somewhere in the middle of our argument he told me he liked me, and I thought he was just saying that to make me feel better.  I panicked and told him I couldn’t do it anymore..”

You hesitate before saying the next part, shutting your eyes in shame.  Like maybe if you close them hard enough you’ll be able to erase the feeling.  

“I told him I never should have let myself believe that we could be together.”  

You cry harder now, guilt overtaking you and making it hard to breathe.  All you can do is shake your head recalling your own recklessness.  

“Shotaro you should’ve seen the look on his face.  He’s gonna hate me forever.”  

You’re no longer trying to stop your sobbing, letting the pain and heartache course through you.  In the worst case scenario in your brain, Sungchan never speaks to you again.  And it’s only been 2 days but you don’t think you can do this forever.  But you’re trying really hard to be patient and wait until he wants to speak to you.  

Next to you Shotaro resists the urge to close his eyes and sighs to himself at his friends’ inability to just be completely honest with the other.  How can 2 people who clearly want each other so bad, be the only 2 people who can’t see it.  He thinks back to how he felt like this was a bad idea, both of you are too vulnerable, keeping things casual not in your vernacular, but he thought you would figure it out.  Even now he knows this can’t be the end of it, but you’re hurting right now, and judging from how he hasn’t seen Sungchan in a few days, he’s hurting too.  

“Sungchan could never hate you, he just needs time.” 

He’s still rubbing your back as you sob, it makes him sad to see his friend this way.  Especially when he feels like all of this could have been avoided easily.

“I know you don’t need me to tell you that both of you messed up because you already know it.  It’s not just you, you might not feel that way, but it took 2 to end up here.”  

It was your slip up that ended the argument, but he knows that Sungchan holds fault in this too.  You both should have just told the other how you feel.  You nod your head at his words, not quite believing them yet as you’re still feeling immense guilt, but you hope one day they’ll click.  He waits until you calm down enough to say his next words, wanting them to stick with you in hope that they comfort you and that you listen to him.  

“I know he’ll come around, and when he does, just be honest with him.”  

-

You hold Shotaro’s words close to your heart in the days following your conversation.  It feels like an impossible task to wait patiently for Sungchan to reach out, but you would wait forever if it meant in the end he would forgive you.  Which is why you do your best not to be heartbroken when Shotaro tells you that after Sungchan’s last exam, he made a trip back home which is where he’s at now.  You recall how he had been homesick towards the end of the semester, so you’re happy as your mind fills with thoughts of Sungchan receiving the love he deserves.  You hope that he’s happy at home, and that despite everything he’s able to have a good time and cherish the moments spent with his family.  

You’re now a full week out from the last time you saw him, and you wake up with hope in your heart for the first time since everything happened.  As the birthday messages roll in in the morning, you’re hoping to see his name pop up in your phone.  But it doesn’t come.  You do your best to stomach the bitter sting as you go throughout your day.  In an effort to soothe it you think about how he’s with his family, and how you don’t want him to think of you if it means ruining that.  But you can’t help but recall the calendar reminder he had proudly displayed to you 2 weeks prior.  

It lingers in your mind as you get ready for your day.  It lingers as you fulfill birthday plans with friends during the afternoon.  It lingers as you decorate your apartment for your party that night.  It lingers so much that by the time it reaches the evening, it feels like it’s eating you alive.  You do your best to remember Shotaro’s words of ‘he’ll come around.’  It’s just so hard.  

You’ve picked up a habit of bouncing your leg these last few days, a manifestation of your anxiety.  You’re doing it now as you sit and watch the clock on your living room wall.  Your last hope is that he shows for your party.  If he doesn’t do that, you’re not sure that there will be any coming back from this.  It’s still an hour out from the designated start time, but the longer you sit here, the more the decorations on your walls start to feel out of place.  The dress your wearing feels more like a costume and less like something you excitedly picked out a month ago in anticipation.  The frilly black fabric shifting with every bounce of your knee.  You fight every urge to get up and go change, instead doing your best to join in on the conversation with the friends who came over early to help set up.  

When people start to trickle in you feel nerves settle in your stomach, unintentionally holding your breath each time the door opens.  Every birthday wish from other people goes in one ear and out the other.  You’re grateful of course, but you can’t help that right now your mind is just elsewhere.  Your friends encourage you to participate in the parties activities, pushing drinks towards you that for the most part go unfinished.  Drinks will only lead to tears.  Through each conversation you smile and laugh, always keeping an eye on the door under the guise of wanting to be a good host.  You catch Shotaro’s eye and he smiles at you sympathetically, the only person here who knows why you’re keeping watch.  

As the night goes on, each minute that passes feels like a lifetime.  Your floors are starting to get sticky with the occasional drink spillage.  The music that plays feels just a tad too loud for your sensitive ears, and someone has definitely thrown up in your guest bathroom by now.  You pray to god that your neighbors forgive you for all the noise.  The mood is starting to shift for you into something a little more somber.  Sungchan deserves time and space, and you know that, but it breaks your heart the more time passes that he’s not here.  When the clock reads 11 p.m., you feel like it’s time to give up hope now.  If he was going to show he would have done so by now right?  

Tears are starting to sting your eyes, and somewhere in the back of your mind you tell yourself that you don’t want to be known as the girl who cried at her own birthday party.  Growing up is supposed to be fun, or at least that’s what has been pushed to you your whole life.  But everything is so awkward and hard.  Like now, you’re aware that you have so many people who care about you, some of which are in the room with you right now.  Yet, all you can think of is the one person who you want to be here right now who isn’t.  You take a glance at the cake that sits on your kitchen counter, counting the amount of candles as you sigh.  Maybe this year you won’t fuck up as bad, maybe this year it’ll be easier.  

When you look up from being lost in thought, you notice how everyone is immersed in their own conversation.  In the back of your head the thought of quietly slipping away finds it’s way into your mind.  You just want to step away and catch a breath, so you can calm down enough and get back to trying to have a good time.  So when the door opens again, you grab your keys and leave, praying that no one follows you.  As you look over your shoulder before shutting the door Shotaro catches your eye again.  You figure it’s good at least 1 person knows of your whereabouts so as you make your way down your building’s stairs you send him a courtesy message.  

You:  Too many sounds and smells, need a min brb :P  

When he doesn’t question it or try and force himself to join you and just responds with a thumbs up, you’re grateful to have such an understanding friend.  Truthfully you don’t really know where you’re going right now, you just wanted to step away for some air.  You contemplated walking to the corner store but that’s probably not the safest idea at this time of night.  As you make the small trek to your car, you’re so lost in thought of where you should go that you don’t notice the headlights coming from behind you.  It’s not until the car rolls to a stop next to you that you’re aware, an all too familiar voice shaking you from your thoughts. 

“y/n?” 

You turn at the sound of your name on instinct, all the feeling in your body leaving you.  

“Sungchan?”

The first thing you notice is that is definitely not his car, the sleek and shiny look a far cry from his beat-up Honda Civic. The second thing you notice is his appearance; you can’t see much but you can see that he’s dressed nicely, shedding his usual street style with something slightly dressier.  Dark tones of the clothing contrasting with his typical muted palette.  It dawns on you with an ache in your chest: you’re matching.  It’s subtle but it’s there, your color scheme looks like it was picked from the same shades.  You notice the present that sits in his passenger seat, glittery white tissue paper sticking out from the baby-blue gift bag.  He clears his throat awkwardly when he notices you staring.

“Were you going somewhere?”

You totally forgot the entire reason you were even out here, your car keys still intertwined in your fingers.  You don’t say anything, just motioning behind you like that explains everything, still in shock at seeing him.  But Sungchan doesn’t care, instead he seizes the opportunity in front of him.  

“Do you want a ride?” 

You don’t even think before you’re nodding your head, shaky legs carrying you over to his passenger side.  He moves the gift to his backseat so you’re able to sit.  When the door closes you try and sneak glances over at him.  Still unable to look him in the eyes, but trying to take in his proximity to you right now.  You’re bouncing your knee again and Sungchan notices, taking in the way the black fabric of your dresses moves with you.  There’s still an awkward air in the car, like there’s so much to say but neither of you know how to say it.  Instead, Sungchan puts the car in drive, taking you away from your apartment.  

“Where did you want to go?”  

You turn the question over in your head, still trying to work up the courage to look at him.  

“Somewhere we can talk.”  

When you look over at him to gauge his reaction you see a small smile make it’s way onto his lips.  Seeing it makes you feel like a fire has erupted in your chest, hope making it’s way back into your heart again.  As the city lights pass the two of you sit in silence, but it’s a comfortable one.  You both know that the other is waiting until you’re able to be in one place to say what you want to say.  The closer you get to your destination, the more you’re starting to recognize the sights of your drive.  He’s taking you to his place.  You think back to all the times you’ve made this drive and the feelings you felt then.  You can’t quite name how it is you’re feeling right now, but you know that this is definitely different from all of those times.  

In the quiet of your own thoughts, you don’t notice how Sungchan is sneaking glances at you.  Doing his best to resist the urge to reach out and touch you just to prove to himself that you’re close to him again.  He white knuckles the wheel the entire drive to his place, feeling relieved when the two of you finally pull into the parking garage of his complex.  You on the other hand feel a wave of nerves come over you as he pulls into his designated spot.  When he turns off the car and settles into the driver’s seat, you try and rack your brain for a place to start.  You spare a glance at the clock on your phone, noting the time:  11:32.  

“It’s late.” 

You say it without any vitriol behind it, simply just looking for something to say to fill the quiet space.  Sungchan knows this, but he still internally cringes at the time, recalling the events of his day.  

“I wanted to be here earlier I really did.  My piece of shit car wouldn’t start.. this is actually my moms.”

He scratches at the back of his head as he says it, slightly embarrassed about having to take his parent’s car.  

“But you still made it.”

He looks up at you when you say it, picking up on the joy in your voice.  When he catches your gaze he can see all of the emotion that lies in it, thinking that his probably looks the same.  

“Of course I did.”  

The way he looks at you sets your nerves alight, and you have to look away to resist the urge to kiss him.  You smile down at your lap, playing with the tulle of your dress, examining the way it lies against your skin.  You pick at a loose thread as you think of a way to say the next part, knowing that you’re going to have to confront the pain it is that both of you went through.  

“I didn’t mean what I said.. you know about us not being together.”

He’s looking at you now and your heart breaks at the fear in his eyes.  The urge to skip the conversation just so you can hold him close makes itself present.  You do your best to move past the discomfort when you recall Shotaro’s words about being honest.  Something about the quietness of the parked car makes everything feel more intimate.  Each of your words holding a little more weight than usual.  

“I think being with you is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but that’s only because I spent the whole time thinking that there’s no way it could have meant anything to you outside of the sex… like it had to be too good to be true.”  

As you recall your feelings you close your eyes, trying to push down the pain.  Your own heart aches for how you felt, you pick at your nails in an effort to keep yourself here right now instead of in the past.  Sungchan can’t help but feel like you feel so far away right now, despite your close proximity.  He wants to hold your hand through every word, sit with you and walk through how it is you feel.  But he sees how much effort it’s taking you to open up and he doesn’t want to ruin it. 

“Having so much of you and none of you at all was eating me up inside.. I thought maybe I was holding you back from the love you deserve to feel and I let my own insecurities get to me.  I’m so sorry Sungchan.  I should’ve said it sooner but I knew you needed space.”  

After all of the words are out, you feel so small.  All of your feelings exposed to the one person who they centered around.  A moment passes, with your words just sitting in the air as you stare at your lap.  When he reaches a hand out to grab yours you feel like you might die.  

“The truth is, after I  left, I immediately wanted to turn back around.”

He lets out a laugh when he recalls that moment.  That was how he knew that all he was ever gonna want was you.  

“I only ever wanted things to go at your pace, which is why I went so long without saying anything.  Honestly I was fine with everything as long as I was next to you.” 

You squeeze his hand at those words, feeling overcoming you.  As you take in his words you can’t help but notice how similarly the both of you were thinking.  He stares at where your fingers are interlocked, thinking about how back then he never had the guts to just reach for your hand.  

“I think I should have been braver and just told you how I feel.”

You shake your head at his words, thinking to yourself that you should have done the same.  His thumb brushes over your knuckles, a comforting motion for the both of you.  There’s one thought that still lingers in your brain, your biggest fear in all of this.  When you speak your voice is a whisper, words hanging heavy to you in the small interior of the car.  

“I thought you were gonna hate me forever.”

“I could never hate you.” 

His response is immediate, looking at you as he says it like he needs you to at least hear that.  You stare at his face, taking him in for the first time in a week.  He looks a little tired, like his rest hasn’t been well, mirroring your own.  But he’s still the prettiest boy ever.  You can’t help yourself now, reaching a hand across the small space between you to touch his face.  The moment is delicate, an indication that all is resolved.    He sits up from the driver’s seat abruptly, like he just remembered something before reaching into his backseat.  He pulls out the gift bag from earlier, placing it in your hands excitedly.

A smile makes its way to your face as you pull apart the paper.  He watches on expectantly, as you come face to face with a small black box sitting at the bottom.  You open it to see a delicate necklace; a simple gold chain with a sun engraved pendant.  He remembers his trip to the mall with Shotaro, how he agonized over finding the perfect gift to display what it is you meant to him.  When he saw the necklace he thought about how nicely it would lay against you, silently hoping that every time you saw it you would think of him.  

As you take it from the box he silently awaits your approval, and it comes when you smile at him and place a kiss on his cheek.  You push it into his hands as you lean forward, Sungchan taking the hint immediately.  Gently, he places the necklace on you, fingers brushing the back of your neck as he messes with the clasp.  The accidental touch sends shivers down your spine, but you do your best to will it away right now.  

“Happy birthday.”

The second the words leave his lips you’re leaning forward over the console of the car to kiss him.  It’s gentle, the way you press your lips to his, Sungchan bringing a hand up to cup your face.  It reminds you of the first time you kissed and you can’t help but smile fondly against his lips at the thought.  He deepens the kiss as you place your hands against his chest to keep yourself steady.  The both of you think about how right this feels, like you were always meant to end up in this moment.  When you pull away to catch your breath, a thought pops into your head.  

“No birthday text?”

You’re just messing with him, trying to make the mood a little lighter but it’s funny to see the way he scrambles to explain himself. 

“I thought it would be too awkward.. you know given the circumstances.”

“..Are you gonna make it up to me?”

When you say those words with a bite to your lip, it has Sungchan immediately leaning in to kiss you again.  You pull away just before he’s able to reach you, a frown making it’s way onto his face at the action.  

“I love you but I’m not about to fuck you in your mom’s car.” 

“Who said we were gonna have sex?”

You roll your eyes at him, hitting his shoulder as he just laughs from beside you.  He steps out of the car, running to your side to get the door for you before you can open it yourself.  It always makes you giggle but deep down you find it extremely endearing of him.  You lead the walk up to his apartment, his proximity to you making you nervous with each step.  He keeps his hands low on your hips as he trails behind you to urge you forward and all it does is send heat between your thighs.  The short fabric of your dress bounces with every step and it drives Sungchan fucking crazy.  He’s practically vibrating from excitement when the two of you finally make it up to his, fumbling with his keys.  You would make fun of him for it, but you’re not faring much better.  

Once your finally inside he’s crowding you against his door, his large frame towering over you.  He brings a hand to cup your jaw, thumb brushing over your bottom lip in the same way he did it for the first time all those weeks ago.  You shy away from his gaze, looking down to try and settle your heart, but he’s not having any of it.  He brings his face closer to yours, lips just barely brushing against yours as he speaks.

“where’d all your boldness go?”

Self-satisfaction bleeds through his chest at the way you can’t look at him.  When the two of you are like this, it’s evident the effect he has on you.  He presses you further into the door, moving closer to you so a leg is between yours.  The lack of having him like this for 2 weeks makes everything feel just on the verge of too much.  When you don’t respond he kisses at your neck, a silent ‘hm?’ leaving him like he’s expecting a response.  He’s grateful for the bareness of your shoulders that your dress allows.  You tilt your neck to the side to allow more room for him as he places a hand on small of your back to press you closer to him.  When you feel his teeth sink into your shoulder you can’t help but whimper, grabbing his shirt in your hands to give you stability.  

Sungchan missed all your sounds, and he missed how sensitive you were.  Each reaction you have to his touch sending him to cloud 9.  The week not talking to you was hell, and although it was the last thing on his mind at the time, the two weeks of not being inside of you was also hell.  His proximity to you in this moment makes him feel like he’s high.  When he feels you shyly grind against his thigh as his lips press against your pulse, he feels like he’s gonna go crazy.  

His lips are back on yours again, the hand on the small of your back urging you to keep moving against him.  As you drag your hips against him you let out little gasps into his mouth as he kisses you through it.  You’re mostly doing the movement yourself, Sungchan’s hand on your back just a silent guide.  It makes you feel dirty as you really take in how you can feel the fabric of his pants on your cunt through your panties.  He can feel the heat radiating from you as you grind on his thigh and it makes him groan.  He pulls away from you then, watching the way you move your hips on your own, eyes closed in bliss as you give yourself over to the feeling.  The sight makes him bite his lip, an idea popping into his head.  Slowly he brings a hand to slide one of your dress straps off your shoulder, playing with the necklace that rests against you, making sure you feel the way his fingers glide against you.  He trails kisses from your shoulder up to your ear, making sure to leave an occasional bite. 

“Just feels so good, hm?”  

As he says this he presses his leg further into you, the new angle making you whine.  The sensations are overwhelming, and Sungchan is using that to his advantage.  You haven’t even made it to his bedroom and you’re practically already falling apart for him, the thought making him painfully hard.  Foreplay with you was always one of his favorite things, he revels in finding out what it takes to get you worked up.  He makes it a silent game with himself to try and see how worked up he can get you to be before he finally gives into what you want.  This is one of those times.  

When he feels your hips speed up in an effort to chase more pleasure, he abruptly pulls away from you.  Without him there to keep you up you nearly collapse against his door, his arm catching you before you give way.  When you look up at him for the first time since making it into his place, the look on his face makes him looks like he wants to swallow you whole.  It only makes you want him more as he pulls you down the hallway of his apartment into his bedroom.  Slowly, he backs you up towards his bed until the back of your knees are hitting the edge.  For a second he just stands there, admiring the way you’re practically shivering.  He brings a hand up to your jaw, tilting your face towards his.  

“What are you so shy for?”  

He smiles mockingly at you as he says it, fully aware of the way he makes you feel.  Typically when you sleep together he never says anything about having to take the lead.  But something about today makes him feel the need to play with you more.  

Instead of answering him, you sit on his mattress, spreading your legs as you do so in an attempt to tell him what you want.  And if that wasn’t enough, you push your hands up the skirt of your dress, hooking your fingers into the sides of your panties before you slowly start to drag them down.  His reaction is almost immediate, collapsing in front of you as he places his hands over yours to help you pull them down.  You would make fun of him for it if you weren’t just as desperate.  

He throws them somewhere on his bed before you feel his fingers trailing their way up the tops of your thighs; you can’t help the way you automatically try and prop your hips up for him.  You both watch the way his hand slides under your dress before disappearing under the fabric.  He looks at you when he finally makes contact with your core.  Sungchan practically moans when he discovers just how wet you are as his fingers explore you.  When he just barely brushes over your sensitive clit, your hips buck into his hand.  It’s completely unintentional and Sungchan can’t help but find it so fucking hot.  He presses his fingers harder into your clit, preening at the way you whine out his name.  

As he starts to rub in circles you fall back against his bed, the feeling just too good.  Sungchan breaks away from you briefly so he can climb on top of you.  Sitting up next to you so he can see all of you.  When you reach a hand out to grab onto the hand that’s propping him up his heart melts.  He leans down to kiss you, fingers continuing to pull you apart just by playing with your clit.  His hand is practically soaked at this point and he resists the urge to bring it to his mouth so he can taste you.  Impatience getting the best of him as he moves two of his fingers to prod at your entrance.  You feel so hot right now against his fingers and if he thinks about it too long, Sungchan thinks he may start to feel dizzy.  

“Such a messy little baby.”

It’s mumbled against your lips as he finally presses his fingers into you, making your eyes roll to the back of your head. He presses kisses all over your face as he eases his fingers in gently, shallowly thrusting to get you to open up for him.  He thinks about how much he missed this feeling and how he’s never gonna give it up again.  When he sinks in all the way to his knuckles he stays there for a minute, enjoying the way you feel wrapped around him.  

He catches you starting to try and move your hips on your own, amused at the way you’re trying to fuck yourself on him right now.  Instead of making fun of you for it, he slowly starts thrusting them in and out, making sure to press against your upper walls with each slide into you.  You bring your knees up to your chest so he can slide in at a better angle, and when you do the feeling is heavenly.  You can hear the sounds your pussy is making and it makes your cheeks burn, hands coming up to hide your face.  All Sungchan can do is coo down at you, leaning down on his elbow instead of resting on his hand so he can be closer to you.  

“My pretty birthday girl.”  

You missed his pet names so much, a possessive feeling overcoming you at the thought of how often you’ll get to hear them now.  You turn your head to the side, and when you do you see your panties.  Sungchan follows your gaze, looking at the delicate piece of fabric that lays against his sheets.  As he stares at them it makes him think of the other pairs you’ve given to him, starting with the first pair you gave him the first night you hooked up.  You never asked him what he did with them, just handing them over to him if you caught him looking at them too longingly.  Eventually they would be returned to you anyway, but as you stare at them curiosity burns through you.  It’s like Sungchan reads your mind, because as you stare at them he speaks up.  

“Do you want to know what I do with your panties?” 

The look on his face is mischievous, eyes full of lust as he spares a glance down to where his fingers are still buried deep within you.  You feel a third start to press against your opening as you nod your head.  When he gently starts working the third one into you he tells you.  

“I keep them for the nights when I’m really horny but can’t get to you..”

After his fingers are sunk all the way in he stills them again, letting you adjust to the stretch of the additional finger.  

“When I just can’t get the way you sound out of my head.. every little reaction.. the way your eyes get watery when you want to cum.. the way you take everything I give you so nicely..”

Sungchan can physically feel the way his words are affecting you, each dirty sentence that falls from his lips causing you to squeeze down around his fingers.  It only fuels the fire he has to keep going, making eye contact with you as he speaks.

“I just can’t help but touch myself to the thought of you, you make me so hard it hurts.. but sometimes it’s just not enough.” 

He shakes his head as he says this for emphasis. He’s moving his fingers now, thrusting all 3 of them into you at a steady pace, the way his knuckles rub against you feeling heavenly.  

“In those moments, I take your panties and I wrap them around me as I get off.  It’s kind of cute it’s like you’re there with me.”

He smiles sweetly as he says this, like he didn’t just confess to you that he jerks off with your panties.  

“If I need you really bad, sometimes I’ll just breathe them in.  I can always still smell you on them and it drives me crazy.”  

His dirty confession makes you feel like your whole body is on fire.  You think about Sungchan in this very room, lights dim as he jerks off with one hand holding your panties to his face.  You think about him with them wrapped around his cock.  You think about how he’s returned every pair to you after about a week, and how you’ve gone on to wear them again.  You’re starting to think perhaps he’s a little more possessive than he lets on.  When he sees the dazed look on your face as you take in what he says he feels satisfied.  He can feel you clenching around him sporadically now, making sure his palm is grinding into your clit.  When your body seizes up he’s right there next to you, kissing you through your first orgasm of the night.  It’s sweet the way he tries to ground you with gentle presses of his lips against yours as you cling to him like he’s your lifeline.  Sungchan thinks he might pass out at the way you clamp down so tightly around him, imagining how you’ll feel wrapped around him.  He’s brought back to the present when he feels you start to push on his hand, the sensitivity a little too much.  

He let’s out a sheepish ‘sorry baby’ before he gently slides his fingers out of you.  You lie there, just breathing and trying to catch your breath as Sungchan presses the occasional kiss to your face, just observing you.  

“You okay baby?” 

There’s genuine concern in his voice, and it makes you feel warm inside the way he checks up on you.  

“’m good.”  

You smile up at him, bringing a hand to his face so you can cup his cheek like you did earlier.  

“You’re so pretty, Sungchan.”

You find it amusing how he blushes at the compliment, like he didn’t just have his fingers buried in you.  You sit up from your place on the bed and he follows your lead.  He’s so hard it hurts, but if you were done for the night then he wasn’t gonna say anything.  When you reach a hand to start palming him he feels like he might combust.  He stills your hand, stopping you from touching him so he can check in on you.  

“You want more?”  

You pout your pretty lips at him, nodding like it’s the most obvious thing in the world because of course you do.  

“I need you inside me.”  

He definitely wasn’t expecting you to say those words, shock evident on his face making you smirk.  Truthfully you can only be bold when your head is completely clear, your post orgasm clarity giving you a level head enough to fuck with him right now.  He gets up from the bed to take off his clothes, finally revealing himself to you.  When he takes off his shirt, you blatantly ogle him, having been deprived of the sight for too long.  You move to stand so you can pull off your own dress but he stops you before you can.  

“Leave it on.”  

His request sends heat down your spine, making you needy again.  You watch as he makes his way to his bedside drawer to grab a condom, words falling from your mouth before he can reach for the handle.  

“Wait”

He looks up at you, confused as of to why you stopped him so suddenly.  You look away shyly, trying to find a less awkward way to say what you want to say, but you find that there isn’t one.  

“We don’t need one..”  

He stares at you like a deer in the headlights, shocking him yet again.  Don’t get him wrong the prospect is exciting and makes him feel like he might die, but he has to double check.  

“You sure?”

“Please.”

That’s all it takes before he’s finding himself back to you on his bed, sitting up against his headboard.  You make your way over to him and he helps you climb up on top of him.  When you feel the familiar touch of his strong hands helping you in place you just about lose it.  If there’s a feeling you can claim that you missed the most it’s definitely that one.  He pulls down the top of your dress to expose your tits as you’re sat back on his thighs.  He leaves kisses all over your chest, sucking marks where he can as you press your chest closer to his face.  When he's satisfied he pulls away, pulling you closer to him so your hips hover over his.  

You’re sat on top of his lap, dress now hiked up around your waist as you cling to his shoulders.  Nails pressed into his skin, you shook with the effort to hold yourself up as he slid his cock through your folds, gathering your wetness.  Each slide against your clit had you gasping, doing your best to stay still as he prepped himself.  When his tip caught on your hole you couldn’t help but whine, composure slipping slightly as you pressed yourself down, nearly fitting the head in before you felt his strong grip on your waist, pulling you back up. 

“Let me take my time.”

You shiver at the display of strength and authority, clenching around nothing as he goes back to sliding his cock between your folds.  Sungchan was always patient with you, doing whatever it is that you wanted when the two of you fucked. Seeing him take what it is that he wanted instead of giving into you immediately only made you more turned on.  So you sat there as he toyed with you, his satisfaction growing at seeing you be so desperate for him, taking what he gives you without complaint even if it’s just minor touches to your clit.  When your head starts to droop, he leans forward, mouth next to your ear as he speaks.  

“You want it baby?”  

When you feel him prodding at your entrance again you let out an embarrassingly loud whimper.  

“Please Sungchan”

He slides through your folds again and you nearly wail, impatience growing within you.  

“But I dunno if it’s gonna fit baby.. it’s been two weeks..”  

He pouts at you in faux sympathy, withholding himself from you to make you frustrated.  When you feel him bite your earlobe as he teases your entrance again before sliding away you finally break.  

“Sungchan it hurts, you’re being so mean..” 

Your voice is so whiny when it comes out you barely recognize it.  He pulls away from your ear at the sound to look at you and the sight nearly makes him lose all of his self-control.  Your eyes are hazy with lust, a frown worn on your pretty face, your kiss-swollen bottom lip quivering, birthday dress completely disheveled; he really has pulled you apart.  

“Please make it better, just need you to make it all better it’s been so long.”

Hearing you beg for him, it takes all his strength and then some to not push into you without warning.  But it’s been too long and he doesn’t want to hurt you, no matter how mean he’s being right now.  

“Am I being mean to my sweet girl?”

He laughs to himself when you nod your head.

“Want me to kiss it better, hm?”

“What I really want is for you to fuck me.”

He senses the snark starting to creep into your words with your growing impatience and in an effort to show you where the power really lies right now he rests the head at your entrance.  It takes his everything not to laugh in your face when immediately your demeanor changes, eyes going soft and jaw going slack.  He would do this all night to you if you let him, but his resolve crumbles the next time you speak.

“Sungchan please.. ‘s still my birthday.  Want to be spoiled by my boyfriend..”  

You know you’ve got him when you hear the way his breath stutters in his chest, hand on your waist tightening.  It’s like he’s in a trance the way he leans forward to kiss you, it’s messy and when he pulls away he’s leaving open mouthed kisses on your neck.  Finally, finally, he’s pushing in, giving in to what you want and what he’s been making you wait for.  It’s so agonizingly slow, you know it’s for your own good but even then you’re just so impatient.  When you feel the head slide past that tight ring, you feel the air get knocked out of you, it’s just been too long.  Sungchan’s not faring much better, teeth grit with his hands on your waist, trying to remind himself that he needs to take his time for you, no matter how wet and hot you feel on his bare cock.  You’re just so tight, and with each bit he pushes in further it’s like you just get tighter.  

“Let me in baby.”

“’m trying.”

The way you’re clenching around him is almost too much to handle, but you can’t help it.  In the two weeks the two of you have spent apart you’ve managed to forget just how full he makes you feel.  You’re shaking like a leaf with each inch he slides in, the stretch just bordering on too much.  When you finally feel your hips touch his you try and relax against him but you’re just so sensitive.  You press your face into the crook of his neck as you try and even out your breathing. 

“Still with me?”  

You don’t trust your voice right now so you just nod, keeping your face hidden.  Sungchan lets you take your time, waiting for you to make the first move.  He can feel the way you’re clenching around him as you try and adjust to the size, fingers digging into your sides at the feeling.  When you experimentally rock your hips he lets out a groan, nearly crying when you motion for him to start helping you.  

He helps guide you up, taking it slow as you sink down.  The first thrust stealing all the air from your lungs.  In this position he’s just so deep, it feels like you can feel him everywhere.  You continue with your slow pace, Sungchan being patient as you try and get used to the feeling.  He presses a kiss to your temple, waiting for you to let him guide the pace. You sit up and all you have to do is pout at him, Sungchan immediately taking the hint.  

His grip on your sides gets tighter, and you revel in the thought of there being marks left on you again after so long.  When he starts controlling the pace, helping you rock up and down, you bite at his shoulder.  The sounds you make only fuel him to start bringing his hips up to meet yours.  When he does he feels you cling onto him tighter, scratching at the tops of his shoulders.  

He knows he’s fucking you good, and it strokes his ego so much, knowing that only he can have you this way.  He looks down at where your connected, bunching the skirt of your dress up so he can see it fully.  The sight of him sinking in and out of you fills him with a sense of possessiveness, but also with a sense of pride.  Because now he knows that its him that you want.  

“Sungchan.”

You moan his name so sweetly he wants to hear that sound for the rest of his life.  He pulls you away from the crook of his neck to really look at you.  You’re so disheveled, looking the epitome of fucked out.  He knows that he’s not gonna last very long, and judging by the way you’re squeezing around him he can tell you aren’t either.  He puts all of his effort into fucking you as good as he can, each thrust hitting you just right.  You hear him whine as he’s getting close, his movements growing sloppy.  When you finally cum it triggers his own release, his head falling into the crook of your neck as he thrusts up into you.  He shivers as he fucks himself through it, the feeling of filling you up at the forefront of his mind.  Like clockwork he asks what he always asks, but it means something different this time.  

“mine?”

“all yours.”

He collapses against the headboard when he finishes riding out his high, holding you in his arms.  You’re both a mess of sweat and sex, but it doesn’t bother either of you.  You know that the cleanup has to eventually come, but you’d rather sit in this moment a little longer.  When his fingers trace along your back, he feels nervous at the question lingering on his lips. 

“Want to go on a date tomorrow?”  

He feels the way you hold him a little tighter, pressing a kiss to his shoulder before looking at him.  

“Of course.”

[hhughes]

୨୧ ⋅ 𝐓𝐖𝐎 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐇𝐒﹙⠀JH86⠀﹚

⠀⠀╰  ꒰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 ◞ fem!wife!reader x jack hughes

⠀⠀╰  ꒰ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬 ◞ in which Jack's wife is pregnant and a little emotional.

⠀⠀╰  ꒰ 𝐜𝐰 ◞ just fluff!

⠀⠀╰  ꒰ 𝐰𝐜 ◞ 1.5K

⠀⠀╰  ꒰ 𝐚/𝐧 ◞ husband!jack has become a favourite of mine. . .

"Babe” Jack whispers.

“Hm?”

“Can you scoot over a bit?” he asks

“I’m on the edge”

He looks over his shoulder, right at the face of his beautiful wife.

“Babe, I find that hard to believe,”

“What?” you ask, a little disoriented.

“There’s no way you’re on the edge when your face is pressed into my back, your legs are tangled with mine and our child is kicking me in the back.”

“But I am,”

“You’re not,” Jack argues.

“You scoot over,”

“I can’t. I’m on the edge of our California King bed that you insisted we get because you didn’t want to touch during the night because you always get too hot. Yet, you’re laying on top of me,”

“I am not,” you complain, nuzzling closer, if that were possible. “Shh go to sleep.”

Jack sighs loudly and says, “I can’t. You’re too hot and our child is kicking me in the back.”

“Yeah well, welcome to my world buddy. Can you stop talking? I'm tired.” you say.

Usually Jack wouldn’t care. He’d deal with it because he loved you and he wanted you to be comfortable, but he needed to get up early tomorrow morning and he really needed a good night’s sleep. Jack was beyond stressed. It felt like he was always 2 seconds away from having a panic attack.

His constant worry about you was driving him insane, but then he also had hockey to think about. The Devils had just lost in the third round of the playoffs. They were so close. Jack wanted nothing more than to win and hold that cup up. But then he realised he was about to hold his baby, and that was an even greater prize.

That was if he didn’t kill you first.

Turning over, you glared at him as he popped his head on one arm, looking over her to the amount of space behind you. “Baby, we could literally fit all my teammates beside you,”

“What does that mean?” you ask frowning

“I’m saying scoot the hell over!” he says, his voice rising. “You’re burning me up!”

“I want to sleep with you,”

“You are, but just give me some space so I don’t die of heatstroke!”

“Ugh, fine.” you say annoyed and rolled over to the other side of the bed.

Jack sighs, shaking his head and lays back down. He could finally breathe, but just as he’s about to fall asleep you say, “I just think it’s messed up that you won’t cuddle with me and I’m carrying your child, which is the reason I’m burning up!”

Jack opens his eyes and takes a deep breath. Here they go again.

“Sweetheart, I love cuddling with you. But I have to be up early to do press and clean out my locker. I can’t sleep through that and I definitely can’t sleep with you burning me up and our child kicking me the whole night. I love you though, you know that right?” Jack asks, looking over at you with a soft smile.

But you were glaring, lips pursed as you glared at him. “Oh yeah, I forgot it’s so hard being Jack Hughes and you need all the sleep you can get. While I can’t sleep a certain way due to the fact that it hurts because I’m the thing your child is sucking the life out of.”

“I thought you loved being pregnant.”

“I do!” you yell and his brows go up. “That’s not the point. I’m just reminding you that I don’t get to sleep or do any of the things that I wanna do anymore, but it’s fine. I’ll sleep all the way over here without the love and support from my husband because he needs to get some sleep. God forbid you don’t get any sleep.” you mumble and Jack wants to laugh. You were being ridiculous. But before he could tell you that, you look over to him and say, “And just a friendly reminder Jack Hughes, when this baby comes, say fucking good-bye to sleep.”

“I guess I should say good-bye to sleep now, because I’m sure as hell not getting any more tonight,” Jack says, holding your gaze.

Your eyes darken a little and Jack swears he’s never seen anyone as beautiful as his wife. Even when you’re a little crazy, hostile, and 7 months pregnant, you were still hot as fuck.

“You got that right, I just wanted to cuddle,” you say rolling away from him again.

When Jack hears you sniff he can’t help but smile. The emotional rollercoaster of a pregnant wife was no joke. Reaching out, he went to cuddle with you, but you smack his hand away.

“I don’t wanna cuddle now,” you mutter

“Fine,” Jack sighs, falling back onto his own pillow. Sometimes he just really couldn't win with you.

“I just want you to know, I did want to cuddle. But that’s gone now.”

“I hear you.” Jack replies.

“And I’m very upset.”

“I got that.” he says with a sigh, rolling on his side to look at you.

“I just don’t think it’s fair. I cook, I clean, I work. And I’m carrying your child.”

“And I appreciate you more than words can ever say.” Jack says sincerely.

“Then you'd cuddle with me!” you say exasperated.

“But baby, I need sleep too. And you’re literally a furnace.”

“Well if you need sleep so badly and I’m too hot and our baby won’t stop kicking you then go sleep somewhere else!” you yell

“Seriously?”

“Yes! Go to the couch”

Surely you were joking. But then you yank the covers off him and pull his pillow from under him, throwing both on the floor. He stands up and goes to pick up his pillow.

“I need sleep and I’m too mad to sleep with you here.” you mutter

“Because I won’t cuddle with you?”

“Yes!” you yell tears streaming down your face.

“Then come here, I’ll cuddle.” he says and ducks when you throw another pillow at his head.

“No! I don’t want to cuddle anymore!” you yell

“Then let’s just go to bed.” Jack mumbles

‘No! I’m mad!”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Jack says with a laugh, and why he would do that would be his last thought.

“Go!” you yell.

“If I go, I’m not coming back tonight.” Jack says

“That’s fine. Maybe tomorrow you won’t mind cuddling your wife and child.”

“Sweetheart, I said let’s cu-”

“I don’t wanna cuddle!” you yell laying your head on the pillow with a sob. “I just wanted you to want to cuddle with me!”

Watching as you cried, Jack sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He picked up his pillow and looked at you one more time. “You sure?”

“Yes. You broke my heart Jack.” you say.

He went to say something sassy back but he knew it wouldn't get him anywhere so instead he said, “I’m sorry that I didn’t wanna cuddle because of the blazing heat you were putting off. I love you. Good night.”

When you don't answer, Jack chuckles as he walks out of the room. His girl was so stubborn. Heading to the couch he lays down and stares at the ceiling. Only two more months and maybe he would get his normal wife back. He was lucky that some of the guys on the team had kids and also went through this process. If not he wouldn’t know it was normal for his wife to be completely and utterly irrational about the dumbest things.

Tonight it was cuddling.

Last week, it was because he ate the last oreo.

Next week, it might be because he breathed a little too hard.

Jesus. Two more months. He could do it.

Leaning back on his pillow he closed his eyes, thankful that he chose to spend so much money to get a comfortable couch. He hopes you stopped crying. He hates when you cry. He was tempted to check but he really didn’t want you to bite his head off. Just as he was about to drift off he felt someone beside him.

Opening his eyes, he saw you standing there.

You looked adorable, hair a mess, cute pyjama shorts, cheeks flushed. Wearing one of Jack’s T-shirts that you cropped. It kinda made you look like Winnie the Pooh. Jack still thought you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“Jack?”

“Yeah babe?”

“Can I lie with you?”

Chuckling to himself he scooted over as far as he could to make space for you. As you lay down your stomach presses into his and Jack wraps his arms around you, kissing you cheek.

“I’m sorry.” you whisper.

“It’s okay baby. I’m sorry too.” Jack whispers.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.” Jack says kissing you again.

The next morning, when he woke up with a sore back, all he could do was repeat three words over and over.

Two more months. Two more months. Two more months.

[projectbluearcadia]

Cream-Flavored Whore

NSFW Lucifer x F!MC Spice Rating: 4/4 ; BDSM Rating: 3/3 Condescending

[ Premise - Lucifer is really in a mood. He doesn't want you to leave his bedroom, nor does he want you to waste a single drop of his semen. It's going in you one way or the other, and you'd better be begging him for it. ]

CW: Orgasm denial; breeding kink; overstimulation; slight dubcon; degradation kink; hair-pulling; restraint (wrists only)

Welp, I'm not sure if it's what I was originally aiming for, but hopefully this will give some satisfaction to the readers who (like me) want to be Lucifer's cute little cocksleeve.

Wordcount: 2260

smutty notes (consult if you haven’t read my smut before.)

“Hey.” 

The singular, deep-voiced word resonates against your eardrum, making you jump back into Lucifer’s body as you drop the dish you’re currently scrubbing. He wraps his arms around your midsection, keeping you where you are. He bites the shell of your ear softly, and this should’ve been your first hint.  

“Are you that happy to see me that you had to startle the crap out of me?” you ask, a little annoyed as you turn your head towards him, only for him to lick your neck like he’s trying to figure out how you taste before he eats you (though he already knows that answer very well).

“Among other things, yes,” he murmurs, your earlobe practically in his mouth. “I’ve had a very… very long day. Can’t I come and surprise my special someone?” 

“Well, I am doing the dishes right now… since it’s my turn,” you reply, wriggling in his grip, but he shows no signs of letting you out of his arms any time soon. “You know, you’re the one who made these rules.” 

“I did,” he acquiesces. 

“So, are you going to… let me finish that?” 

“No,” he replies against your shoulder. “Someone else can do that. Unless you think you can still do the dishes while you’re bent over the sink taking every inch of my cock.” 

“L-Lucifer!” you scold, even as he drags one hand down between your legs, rubbing your inner thigh. Feeling your body start to warm up just from his fingers tracing up and down, teasing you. “You can’t just…”

“Is that a ‘no’ I hear?” he murmurs. “Let me make this clearer for you.” Lucifer manages to find your clit through your pants, pressing down on it and stroking it as he leans closer, now actively pressing you between the sink and himself. “You’re coming with me, right now, to my bedroom, and so help me if I have to wait another damn second, I’m going to fuck you right here where anyone can walk in and see what a slut you are for me.” 

You swallow thickly, arousal pounding through your veins, spreading like wildfire as it warms you up from the inside out, and not just because his hard-on is digging into your lower back. There’s a naughty part of you that’s even tempted to just tell him to expose you, and the embarrassment of having such a thought in the first place is…

“Yes sir,” you reply meekly, and Lucifer teleports with you still attached to him, straight into his bedroom. The door audibly locks with a solid click without him even touching it, and you’re left with the sound of eerie silence. 

That silence is broken and filled with the echo of wet kisses as Lucifer yanks your shirt off, barely giving you the time to throw your arms up. You let out a soft yelp in the time Lucifer releases your lips as he forces your wrists together, soundly binding them with your shirt. The tie, off. The coat, off. Then it’s your bra, and his hands are wrapped around and squeezing your breasts as he returns to dominating your tongue. 

Lucifer’s breath shudders, his eyes seeming to give off a predatory gleam as he toys with your nipples, ignoring your sweet cries of protest as he offers them merciless flicks and pinches. Your insides feel like they’re sitting on a hot stove, bubbling up, waiting to boil over, but the temperature isn’t quite hot enough yet. 

“Lucifer,” you mewl out, and all of his attention fixes on your face instead of your chest before he suddenly drags his lips down, kissing your neck slowly before he opens his mouth and bites you, sucking the skin as he shoves your pants down your legs together with your underwear. You gasp at the sudden intrusion of cold air, your senses starting to overload as he drags one hand down, sliding his middle finger between your labia, then withdrawing. Checking if you’re ready for him. 

He lets out a soft laugh as he grabs a bruisingly tight hold of your thigh, a cold trail of your lubrication making itself known. And, dragging his lips back up the other side of your neck to bite your ear, he says:

“I didn’t even do anything, you dirty whore.” 

“Ah?!” you gasp out as he picks you up, in bridal fashion, walking over to his bed and unceremoniously dumping you onto it. Your face smashes into his pillow, briefly filling your nose with the scent of his shampoo. By the time you’ve straightened yourself out, working yourself onto your elbows and knees, Lucifer’s clothes are all on the floor, revealing his body in every fascinating centimeter of its pallid glory. 

And you watch, spellbound, as his horns curl out of his head, his Stygian wings bursting out of his back and a few of his feathers gently floating to the floor. Then there’s that cute little rhombus on his forehead that you used to think one of his little brothers painted on him (it was a birthmark, apparently). And oh, good and sweet Diavolo his genitals, which might very well have doubled in size, were flushed and seemed to be eagerly pointing at your exposed and vulnerable entrance. 

“Do you know why,” Lucifer softly rasps as he leans over you, his wings casting pretty shadows onto the bed. You feel his fingers wrap around one forearm, tightly. “I even bothered to wait until you were in my bed?” Even as he’s saying that, he’s spreading you wide, his hot, eager length pressing, pressing deep inside, inch by inch. You hiccup as you feel him bottom out, his breath burning your ear as he bites it again. 

“N-No?” you whisper, almost scared to break the reverent silence of him enjoying your walls clenching down hard on him, his entire body shivering for a blissful moment. For a few seconds, you think he’ll orgasm just from being inside you, and the thought nearly drives you insane. 

Lucifer lets out a short, scornful laugh before he jerks your arms out from under you, your shoulders thrusted backwards as he tugs on the bond holding your wrists together, your face returning back into his pillow. 

“I should have known that your empty brain is too dumb to realize that I’m being nice to you,” he softly purrs, even as his hips start to move. Pulling in and out. Agonizingly slowly. “How about I put it in plain terms for you? I’m going to fill you like a cream puff until you can’t fit anymore and fall apart. Even if I have to tie you down, take breaks for myself, or start filling up a different hole, I’m going to breed you until nothing is left of you except a drooling, screaming fucking mess.” 

Lucifer digs the fingers of his other hand into your hair, pulling at the scalp and forcing your head up, back away from the pillow. His hips work harder now, starting to slap audibly into your wanting flesh and prying several cries out of you in the process. “And you’re going to take every drop I give you without a shred of complaint, understand? Be a good whore, or I’ll get the belt.” Lucifer’s voice lowers, his grip tightening. “And you don’t want me to use the belt, now do you? I expect an answer when I ask you a question.”

“N-No, sir, I don’t want the belt,” you whine, your vision starting to feel foggy as he keeps going at you. Is this how he’ll be… the entire night? The thought alone leaves you trembling with arousal. “I’ll be a good little cumslut for you.” You gasp as his hips snap forward, your lower body trembling. “Please, I need it. I need you.” 

“That’s not how you ask me for a favor,” he growls, pulling hard on both your hands and even harder on your scalp, making you yelp. You just know he’s relishing in the tears pricking your eyes. “You know better.” 

“Pl-Please,” you moan desperately. “Cum inside me, Lucifer.” 

The reaction is instant. He lets your head fall back into the pillow and grabs two full handfuls of your hips, his short nails certainly making impressions in your supple flesh as he releases the first of many loads, painting your vaginal wall with white. 

And, barely skipping a beat, he keeps thrusting away, never sparing you a moment of rest as he uses you for his pleasure. Your head is fuzzy with the bliss his cock provides as it hits the deepest parts of you, but he won’t touch your neglected little pearl. It’s your g-spot, or nothing; he won’t help you. 

“That’s right; clench just like that,” Lucifer rumbles. “Beg for it with that naughty pussy of yours. Seems like it’s smarter than you.”  

“Ugh, hnng, mmmf…” you groan out as your face rubs against the bed with his every thrust, overcome with the way he’s using your body. “Please… please,” you beg softly as he pounds at you, creaming you again, his voice strained as he groans, fixing a rough bite into your back. 

“Please what?” he growls, pulling out of you with a dirty noise, making you shake your arse at him as the loss of his member leaves you painfully unstretched. It makes you feel a little better having his semen warming you up, making sure your pussy isn’t lonely. 

“M-Make me cum,” you whimper. “I want to cum too.” 

That smirk. Oh no. 

“You dirty little slut; what makes you think you deserve it?” Lucifer purrs, condescendingly stroking your head before he pushes back into you, making you gasp in surprise. Wasn’t he taking a break?! Isn’t he overstimulated?! “If you can’t cum with just my cock inside you, I don’t think you should.” 

“Lucifer!” you gasp out, stars flickering in your eyes as he starts pounding at you again, your skin noisily slapping together with the undertones of your squelching cunt, as if trying to override any sort of complaint you have. You’re left whining, gasping, desperately trying to match his pace with zero success as he lets out pleased grunts and rewarding groans with every dutiful thrust. 

And he suddenly turns you on your side, jerking your leg up over his shoulder and pressing against your cervix, giving you the slightest rest as he slows down a little. You finally see his face, how fucking crazy his eyes are. He shows his teeth as he leans closer, his fingers slipping down your leg to press into your lower stomach, smirking as you gasp, twitching and shaking as he stimulates your walls from both sides. Your lower belly feels tight as you jerk your hips up towards him, forcing him to stroke your walls harder in the process. 

“I’m going to ruin you,” he purrs sweetly against your neck before he pulls back up from his position, roughly turning you over the rest of the way, onto your back with your legs raised onto his shoulders. Breed me! Breed me! Your mind screams at this point, beyond the point of being eager and straight into desperation. Fill me! Use me! 

And as if reading your dirty thoughts, his earlier pace resumes without any further ado, eliciting borderline screams out of you in the process. He holds you steady for his frenzy, tightening up that knot inside you, further and further until the point of no return. Until you can do nothing else but release.

Your orgasm is almost violent as it races through you, and Lucifer is left gasping and chuckling in his own pleasure as he slams into your convulsing, abused little hole, not seeming to mind that you’ve kicked his shoulders twice as he keeps your thighs open for you. 

And not only does his seed fill you yet again, before you’ve even finished coming back down from your high, he’s brutalizing your neglected clit and somehow still hard inside you.

“That’s my whore,” he growls, though you don’t know how you can hear him over your caterwauling. “Come on; keep cumming for me. Cry, scream all you want, but I’m not going to fucking stop.” He chuckles as he continues, slapping your bud several times like it wasn’t already stuck between wildly competing pain and pleasure. And he’s sliding his cock in and out again, and you can faintly see through the tears in your eyes that the warm wetness on your thighs is just as white as the sticky mess on his flushed and sensitive member. “Now… tell me what you want… Clearly and loudly so that I know exactly what kind of slut you are.” That’s…(lewd, fuck) tall order (can’t!) considering the thoughts… fragments. 

“Fuck me!” you shout in your hoarse, broken voice, and Lucifer presses his thumb—covered in his cum—on your lips.

“Clearly,” he reminds, and you lick his thumb desperately, making him smirk as he suddenly takes it away from you. That wasn’t clear enough?!?! “You’ll be getting plenty of that later, after I’m done.” 

“Use me like a sexdoll! Put a baby in me!” you beg desperately as drool starts to spill out of your mouth. Fuck coherent thoughts; you’re aching to forget that your brain even exists. “I’ll take it anywhere, do anything, just please! Stuff me full with your seed!” 

That’s exactly the response Lucifer was looking for. 

“See? Just a dirty cumslut,” he rumbles against your ear. “You’re in luck. Because I’m not anywhere near being tired yet.” 

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

the longest damn late night phone call from heaven EVER

aka, Emily has a slightly gruesome favor to ask, Charlie's determined to be good and helpful friend, and Vaggie was only half-right about people not recognizing her without her exorcist mask

Charlie: “…not exactly what I expected, when dad said heaven wanted another chat.”

Emily: “I know, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to bother you at home-”

Charlie: “It’s fine. Kinda late for a video call but, hold on.” (slips into hallway) (quietly shuts bedroom door) “It’s important right?”

Emily: “It’s… it’s important to me.”

Charlie: “Well that counts! What’s up? Uh, aside from literally you, anyway.”

Emily: “Before that, is your girlfriend- is Vaggie okay?”

Charlie: “She’s.”

Charlie: “……”

Charlie: “…fine.”

Emily: “There were a lot of bandages.”

Charlie: “Oh. Those.”

Emily: “I wasn’t trying to look, but when you were going past of bed, I just. I’ve never seen one of us like-”

Charlie: “Um I don’t think she’d really like the ‘one of us’ part. Just a heads up.”

Emily: “I’ll remember. Will they heal? Lute’s arm already has, and she said angelic steel is what- what killed that first Exorcist-”

Charlie: “Some of them- Some of them will heal, Vaggie says.”

Emily: “And the others?”

Charlie: “They’ll… probably be like her eye, I guess. The bleeding will stop.”

Emily: “Her eye-?”

Charlie: “Did you know Lute gouged it out with a sword? Right before leaving her in hell?”

Emily: “She- No! Why would she-”

Charlie: “So you didn’t know what Vaggie was when you saw her. You didn’t know what Lute and Adam did to her-”

Emily: “Charlie I SWEAR I had no idea. The Exorcists- other than Lute they keep those masks on almost all time, even up here! I could have walked past Vaggie a hundred times without knowing it!”

Charlie: “….that’s what she said too.”

Emily: “Vaggie?”

Charlie: “Mm.”

Emily: “Why ask me then? She told you and you trust her… right?”

Charlie: “It’s, complicated. And not the point.”

Emily: “Are you two okay-”

Charlie: “Not the point. What can I help heaven with tonight? I’d, kinda like to get back to bed before she wakes up.”

Emily: “Sorry, of course, I just don’t want you two to have more trouble…” (sighs) “…but I guess I’m not the right person to help am I. Not with, all this.”

Charlie: “I don’t blame you for what Lute and Adam did. Or for Sera letting them do it.”

Emily: “It still makes being friends hard, doesn’t it?”

Charlie: “…a little.”

Emily: “I’m-”

Charlie: “But! I’m not gonna let them stop us from doing it.” (determined) “Screw heaven- I wouldn’t have answered the phone if it’d been anyone other than you calling from up there anyway! Well, you or Sir Pentious.”

Emily: “I’m so, SO glad he made it here. ”

Charlie: “Me too.” (smiles) “You need help with something? Tell me. If I can do anything about it, I will.”  

Emily: “Oh it’s nothing like that, it’s just… a question.”

Charlie: “Okay?”

Emily: “….”

Charlie: “….”

Emily: “…I’m a little scared to ask.”

Charlie: “That’s okay! I know the feeling! If it helps, I promise I won’t get angry or annoyed just over you asking something!”

Emily: “Thanks. That’s. Not really what I’m scared of.”

Charlie: “Well what parts the scary part?”

Emily: “The answer.”

Charlie: “...huh.”

Emily: “I’m not sure I want to hear it, honestly.”

Charlie: “But you called in the middle of the night so you could ask?”

Emily: “Yes.”

Charlie: “So you DO want to know.”

Emily: “It feels more like I have to know.”

Charlie: “Okay…. uhh. What… kind of question is it?”

Emily: “The battle. The, dead Exorcists.”

Charlie: “Oh fuck. Shoot- Is it about the bodies? Because I’m REALLY sorry again about letting the cannibals uh, eat them. I’d kinda. I’d promised them- the cannibals I mean- and, um. They lost a lot of friends too so-”

Emily: “No that’s fine. It’s, it doesn’t matter much once they’re dead does it. S-someone should get to be happy about the fresh. Um. Meat.”

Charlie: “Ssssstillll, I wish I could’ve sent them back-”

Emily: “Did you see-?”

Charlie: “-whoops sorry, go ahead.”

Emily: “….”

Charlie: “….”

Emily: “….”

Charlie: “Ah-hem. Go ahead?”

Emily: “…”

Charlie: “Aaaaany time now…”

Emily: “…”

Charlie: “….Look, Emily-”

Emily: “I know I’m sorry I-”

Charlie: “No no! I really wish I had all night for this. Really! I wanna be the friend who sits up until four in morning talking- and any other time I would be!”

Emily: “I know.”

Charlie: “Only I also really, really don’t want Vaggie waking up alone tonight. Not after we, after I- I can’t do that to her right now, okay?”

Emily: “…yes. Okay.”

Charlie: “How about this- you call back in the morning, we settle in and-”

Emily: “Did you see an Exorcist that didn’t fit in?”

Charlie: “-uhhh, what?”

Emily: “An Exorcist.”

Charlie: “I mean, yes? There were dozens! Pretty hard to keep count when you’re fighting for you-”

Emily: “But was there one that didn’t fit in?”

Charlie: “Fit in what where- oh ugh Angel Dust get OUT of my head-”

Emily: “With the others. The other Exorcists. Was there one in the fight that, didn’t quite look right? Caught your eye for some reason?”

Charlie: “Don’t they all kinda look the same?”

Emily: “Yes. Mostly.”

Charlie: “Bloodstained uniform, horned mask, weird crossed out eye and stitched mouth aesthetic thing, scary black and white wings-”

Emily: “Did the cannibals eat the wings?”

Charlie: “The w-”

Emily: “The wings of the dead Exorcists. Did they eat-”

Charlie: “Emily- those are feathers. The cannibals ate the meaty parts sure, but-”

Emily: “So you could still check. If. If any of the Exorcists who died. If they had strange wings.”

Charlie: “I guess, I-”

Emily: “Charlie. I need you to check.”

Charlie: “What-”

Emily: “I just need to know-”

Charlie: “But-”

Emily: “-please-”

Charlie: “Hey it’s okay, I’ll check! I’ll check first thing tomorrow!”

Emily: “Promise?”

Charlie: “Of course! It’ll be easy, don’t worry! Vaggie saved the wings from all of them. I’m not sure what for- some kind of funeral I think- or target practice- funerary target practice? Is that an angel thing…?”

Emily: “We don’t….really have those in Heaven. Funerals.”

Charlie: “Oh. Right.”

Charlie: “…”

Charlie: “Must be nice.”

Emily: “I’m sorry.”

Charlie: “No- that came out wrong. Forget it! So the wing thing is just a Vaggie thing or something. Anyway. Checking the wings. Nooooo problem. CAN do.”

Emily: “Thank you. And. And you’ll just tell me about it? Not anyone else in heaven?”

Charlie: “Sure! Is it a secret?”

Emily: “No.”

Charlie: “Buuuut you don’t want Sera finding out.”

Emily: “I’ll tell her later. When I’m… Once I’ve…”

Emily: “…”

Charlie: “Oh Emily hey- it’s okay! Shh, it’s okay!!”

Emily: “I don’t know if it is.” (voice breaking) “Sera won’t let me near the Exorcists and Lute won’t answer any questions about them- I don’t know who else to ask or if I really want to know, but I can’t sleep, and if she didn’t die down there then I NEED to find her somehow and ask her HOW she could’ve been doing this! Murdering people, killing souls-”

Charlie: “Whoa wait, ask who? What am I even checking the Exorcist wings for?”

Charlie: “… Who…who are you looking for?”

Emily: “I don’t know her name. We never met.”

Charlie: “You seem to really care about her, for someone you’ve never met.”

Emily: “Because she was DIFFERENT! She-”

Emily: (looks away)

Emily: “…she’s part of why I never questioned the Exorcists. She. I thought she was proof that underneath masks, they meant well. That they were strict and distant but also protectors, and they cared, and…”

Charlie: “…and now you know what she was doing the whole time.”

Emily: “She CAN’T have been. You shouldn’t be able to be so kind and gentle and still-”

Charlie: “People can be a lot of different things, to different people.”

Emily: “How?”

Charlie: “That’s just… what makes people, people, I think. We can all do things we never thought we’d do.”

Emily: “Exorcists kill children don’t they. Child sinners- they don’t spare them, do they?”

Charlie: “They don’t really DO the whole ‘sparing’ thing. Not in the Pride Ring. Only my dad’s family is safe from exterminations- or was safe. Kids… if they don’t have anyone, or if their families can’t keep them safe, then…” (shudders) “…yeah. I’ve. I found the bodies a few times.”

Emily: “How… how can they-”

Charlie: “I don’t know.” (tired) (slumping back against the door) “They just do.”

Emily: “She can’t have done that! That’s the ONE thing I know about her- she LOVED children. Falling in line and being a good Exorcist didn’t matter as soon as a child needed her!”

Charlie: “Well- well maybe she wasn’t one of the ones who… hurt kids. Maybe she didn’t do that.”

Emily: “But she must have seen it happening. Known it happened. And she didn’t stop it.”

Charlie: (wince) “T- tell me about her? The parts you saw up in heaven, her being nice to those kids- that happened too! What was she like?”

Emily: “…watchful.”

Charlie: “A guardian angel huh?” (smiles weakly) “I think I know the type.”

Emily: “She should’ve been that. She shouldn’t have-” (sighs) “…Exorcists keep to themselves, up in heaven.”

Charlie: (grits teeth) “If they’re mostly all like Lute then that’s probably the only way to keep heaven a nice place.”

Emily: “Lute isn’t… well I guess I don’t really know her either. I always thought she was just paranoid, busy being overprepared, scared for heaven and channeling it into anger…. maybe she is that? Maybe she just-”

Charlie: “She tried stabbing out Vaggie’s other eye.”

Emily: “….”

Emily: “A lot of things make sense now, knowing what she and Adam were doing.”

Charlie: “Like keeping the Exorcists separate?”

Emily: “That, and the identical uniforms, the masks… the constant, BRUTAL training and practice.”

Charlie: “Building trust in a warzone….”

Emily: “What?”

Charlie: “Nothing- How did any of them get near a kid, if that’s what it’s like?”

Emily: “They didn’t. It was an accident.”

Charlie: “Now THAT’S depressing.”

Emily: “I guess so..”

Charlie: “…”

Charlie: “So. What happened?”

Emily: “Oh… some children were testing their wings. Just out having fun, you know. A few flew out of sight- their friends tried looking for them, but there are parts of heaven not everyone can always reach.”

Charlie: “There is? Why-”

Emily: “Heaven’s supposed to be a peaceful, happy place. An eternity of rest and recovery- It’s supposed to be safe. To be safe, Sera always said the Exorcists needed to be ready to defend it, and they needed space to not always be happy or peaceful.”

Charlie: “They always seemed pretty happy about not being peaceful, not gonna lie.”

Emily: “They get really into training with each other- but do you mean, even during the exterminations-?”

Charlie: “ESPECIALLY then.”

Emily: (frustrated) “I wish things would stop making so much sense!”

Charlie: “Same.”

Emily: “It was right there all along, and I didn’t see it!”

Charlie: “I mean, they really didn’t want you to.”

Emily: “And how many people are dead because of that?”

Charlie: “It’s not your fault… And it’s not all bad.” (weak chuckle) “Vaggie likes it better down here. The one upside to finding out old secrets is how it can make things better- she makes much more sense now too.”

Emily: “In good ways?”

Charlie: “In… in kinda silly, kinda sad ways.”  

Emily: “Silly is good.”

Charlie: “Yeah…”

Emily: “Sorry. I won’t pry. I’m just listening- passively- if you want.”

Charlie: "It’s nothing super personal or secret, just that, I get why she likes high places and open spaces when she needs thinking time. Not like the view’s amazingly great down here, so I always wondered… All those times finding her on roof tops or the hotel’s crow’s nest."

Charlie: "I asked if staring at heaven's light was a moth demon thing once and she just shrugged, but the angel thing makes so much more sense and she's terrible at lying if I'd just ASKED-”

Emily: "Now you're sounding like me."

Charlie: "URGH right- good things, good things are- when she's up there, I know now she's either cursing heaven or hating herself."

Emily: "... is there a better good thing? Because that's..."

Charlie: "Now I can HELP her. With that."

Emily: "That's a good thing, yes."

Charlie: "She doesn't have to walk around all the time being scared of me finding out and getting angry or hurt, I DID find out and I WAS angry and and hurt, and it was fine."

Emily: "Well..."

Charlie: "Okay fine, not fine but BETTR. It IS better."

Emily: "..."

Emily: “...your hotel has a crow’s nest? That must be perfect for her.”

Charlie: “What? Oh, yes. She loves it...”

Charlie: "Shit even her HAIR makes so much sense now."

Emily: “She’s grown hers out- I’ve never thought about an Exorcist with long hair- it’s very pretty.”

Charlie: “Pretty, fun to play with, but she leaves it loose even when all the swooshing annoys her. It gets in the way of her trying to stab people."

Emily: "I bet we could find a metaphor in that."

Charlie: "I guess it’s kinda like wings though? The weight and having something cover her back like that.”

Emily: “Wings are… not just that. Wings are pretty different.”

Charlie: “Long hair was probably still better than nothing though. I wonder if she’ll cut it now? Or just keep it in the ponytail?”

Emily: “What do you mean?”

Charlie: "Well, short hair is easier to take care of, right? Plus she seemed to really like having it out of her face during the battle, even after getting her wings back-”

Emily: “No, wait- Getting them back? She’s an angel, doesn’t she have- hasn’t she always had….”

Charlie: “No she… They didn’t mention that either, did they.”

Emily: “What did they do.”

Charlie: “One guess. And one guess who ‘they’ were.”

Emily: “Lute. Adam leaves- he left almost everything that actually needed doing to her.”

Charlie: “Well this time the thing that needed doing-”

Emily: “They took her wings.”

Charlie: "It was more of a ripping action? Tearing?? Wrenching- No, ripping sounds right- Ripped them off and left them on the ground next to her. Vaggie had to stuff them in a dumpster before any sinners saw them and mobbed her.”

Emily: “….”

Charlie: “M-maybe I shouldn’t have said that part.”

Emily: “It’s fine. Important to know.”

Charlie: “But Vaggie only just told ME about it, and now I’m blubbering it out to you- fuck. Forget I said it? Please?”

Emily: “You should talk about it with someone who isn’t her, Charlie.”

Charlie: “Not like this though! Not with-”

Emily: “An angel. Someone from heaven.”

Charlie: “-not with someone she isn’t even friends with yet.”

Emily: “Thanks for the ‘yet’ part. I hope you’re right about it.”

Charlie: “I will be. But um. Until then…?”

Emily: “All I know is she didn’t have wings and now she does again. No specifics.”

Charlie: “Thank you.”

Charlie: (clears throat) “You, uh. You were telling me about YOUR Exorcist.”

Emily: “Right. Her and children. The ones who wandered off-”

Charlie: “-onto the one place in heaven that isn’t sunshine and rainbows and fluffy clouds of happiness, right right.”

Emily: “It was a bit of shoreline Exorcists use for live battle training.”

Charlie: “Yay fun?”

Emily: “Where they, they practice tearing each other apart with their bare hands-”

Charlie: “Oh!”

Emily: “-weapons aren’t used for it, don’t worry! None of the children were in any real danger!”

Charlie: “But they SAW it!?”

Emily: “From a distance… not, not close enough to get splattered by blood….”

Charlie: “Oh wow that’s SO reassuring!”

Emily: “Except for one of them.”

Charlie: “How the HECK didn’t anyone notice there were kids around before starting that stuff!? Didn’t they CHECK-”

Emily: “The Exorcists are very used to being left alone.”

Charlie: “STILL!”

Emily: “I know. I was so angry at first- I didn’t show it, the other children were already hiding under my wings after I’d gathered them up. They didn’t need me getting mad too.”

Charlie: “Didn’t wanna to scare them?”

Emily: “Watching the Exorcists was scary enough.”

Charlie: “I’m trying SO real hard to imagine a happy ending for this.”

Emily: “It’s there, don’t worry. See, one of the children had wandered further than the rest, and was just standing there, frozen. Staring up at.. all that.”

Charlie: “That doesn’t sound happy.”

Emily: “It was so frustrating! I couldn’t get to them without bringing the others even closer too! Some of them could barely move they were so frightened- I tried calling up at the Exorcists, asking them to stop, but they either didn’t hear me or ignored me-”

Charlie: “FUCK that’s just-”

Emily: “But then-”

Charlie: “….”

Emily: “One of them left formation.”

Charlie: (smiling) “Yeah?”

Emily: “She came swooping down, all soaked in blood- not hers, I don’t think. She didn’t look hurt. She landed right in front of the child."

Charlie: “Oh covered in BLOOD that must’ve been, er, something.”

Emily: “It wasn’t great. Poor thing was so scared under her shadow I thought they’d cry.”

Charlie: “Wouldn’t blame them.”

Emily: “Me neither. Those masks… but’s it’s funny, you know, how much a small thing can change everything else.”

Charlie: “She wasn’t as scary as her mask, was she?”

Emily: “No. She was, awkward. I saw her do a little wave and kneel down- later they said she’d talked with them, asked if they were hurt and where their home was.”

Charlie: “Normal stuff.”

Emily: “Strange for an Exorcist. Then she- she offered to take them home. She was still all spattered with-”

Charlie: “Blood. Ew.”

Emily: “I didn’t know what was going on when it happened, I just saw the Exorcist stand up and march right into the sea, right into the waves! She come out clean enough but also. Well. Also sopping wet and a bit um, a bit less scary looking."

Charlie: "Heheh."

Emily: "A lot less scary looking. A little pitiful looking?”

Charlie: “Like Husk after the champagne bottle incident!”

Emily: “Like who?”

Charlie: “Oh our bartender. Long story- but I’ve seen sad and bedraggled wings before. I’d LOVE to see them on an Exorcist!”

Emily: “It was pretty funny. And she didn’t seem to mind the child laughing at her either. If anything I think she made more of a show of shaking herself dry and fluffing up afterwards, once she heard them giggling over it.”

Charlie: “Aww~! She didn’t wanna scare them either!”

Emily: “She was silly. I’d never seen an Exorcist being silly before. The other ones watching didn’t seem to like it. They’d finally stopped fighting and looked like they were muttering to each other… Lute, Adam, even Sera, they're really strict about not having Heaven's army mixing with the rest of Heaven...”

Charlie: “But she- the silly exorcist- she didn’t care.”

Emily: “If she did, it didn’t stop her.”

Charlie: “Did she take the kid home herself then? Once she wasn’t covered in. Uhh. Blood.”

Emily: “She did. The other children were so jealous!”

Charlie: “Jealous??”

Emily: “After she helped wipe off the, the blood spatters on them, she scooped them up and just rocketed into the sky.”

Charlie: “Ohmygosh that's so FUN! Angel piggyback rides are the best!”

Emily: “It looked like it. Exorcists train and practice, and their wings are strong- I knew that but I still don’t think I’ve ever seen someone move like that in the air. Like she was dancing.”

Charlie: “Vaggie says fighting and dancing have a lot in common.”

Emily: “She does?”

Charlie: “Mm-hmm. And if SHE’S any example, then I bet plenty of the Exorcists would be GREAT dancers too! If they bothered not killing people long enough to find out, that is.”

Emily: “If. Right."

Charlie: “…”

Charlie: “….Vaggie stopped. She was, she used to- and it took time but, she stopped.”

Emily: “And Lute cut out her eye for it.”

Charlie: “I don’t think she regrets losing it. Or- it was worth it to her? She.. sometimes it’s almost like she feels like she deserved it.” 

Emily: “I hope not. It shouldn’t have happened, it didn’t help anyone.”

Charlie: “No. It really didn’t.”

Emily: “They probably used her as an example of why no one else should do that.”

Charlie: “…well… maybe your Exorcist will still think it’s worth it?”

Emily: “Maybe. If she’s not dead.”

Charlie: “R-right.” 

Emily: “And she’s really not mine. I don’t even know her.”

Charlie: “You know enough to care.”

Emily: “To care about someone who might not even deserve it? How does that help anyone-”

Charlie: “EVERYONE deserves to be cared about.”

Emily: “Even-”

Charlie: “Everyone. At least to the point of caring if they’re dead or not.”

Emily: “… you’d make a great angel, Charlie.”

Charlie: “HA! I’m not sure that’s a compliment anymore but uh. Thanks?”

Emily: “I meant it more that, if Sera and Lute and Adam had been more like you, then none of this would have happened. Or if you’d been up here, you would’ve stopped them.”

Charlie: “Ehhh… I kinda think if you couldn’t manage it, I wouldn’t have either..? Definitely NOT alone and not without-”

Emily: “You started the hotel! You had to go against so many people to do that-”

Charlie: “-okay yes but we only JUST got that going. And I only could do THAT because I had…”

Charlie: “…”

Charlie: “It’s easier, with someone who believes in you.”

Emily: “Like a partner?”

Charlie: “Yeah.”

Emily: “A girlfriend.”

Charlie: “….yeah.”

Emily: “And it’s late. I’ll let you get back to her.”

Charlie: “It’s probably okay. She was tired and, she’s a pretty heavy sleeper once she actually falls asleep. You can usually tell when she really conks out because the snoring-”

Charlie: “-oh fuck oh no no no not again DON’T TELL HER I SAID THAT EITHER!”

Emily: “I won’t.” (giggling) “Although I might’ve heard it earlier.”

Charlie: “Fuck. Shit! FUCK!”

Emily: “But I swear on all six of my wings I won’t breathe a word. I also don’t know what happened to you guys- other than a huge traumatic revelation followed by an actual battle for your lives-”

Charlie: “That was a thing, yes.”

Emily: “-but I really hope you two are okay.”

Charlie: “Oh we will be! Weirdly enough, we’re better off now than we were before, even!”

Emily: “Lots of new things you can finally talk about?”

Charlie: “SO many.”

Emily: “Heh. Good. I’m glad something turned out okay from all this.”

Charlie: “And I really hope at least ONE more thing can turn out okay. For you, specifically.”

Emily: “We’ll… we’ll see I guess.”

Charlie: “First thing in the morning. I promise.”

Emily: (breath in) “Okay….” (breathe out) “Thank you.”

Charlie: “Any time. Or, no problem. Or- not that I WANT you to need help identifying bodies again anytime soon, I just meant…”

Emily: (laughs) “I know, Charlie. It’s okay. And it’s also really late. Good night.”

Charlie: “Good n- oh hey wait, Emily!!”

Emily: “-yes?”

Charlie: “What AM I looking for exactly? With the wings.”

Emily: “Oh- You know how Exorcist always those two stripes on theirs? The black bands on their feathers, the undersides.”

Charlie: “Yyyyep, yep. Now that you mention it…”

Emily: “She only had one.”

Charlie: "......"

Charlie: “…one… wing stripe?”

Emily: “It’s how I noticed her at first.”

Charlie: “That’s, that’s rare among Exorcists, huh?”

Emily: “She was the only one with wings like that, I think. Every few years I’d catch sight of her following behind Lute and Adam with a few others, trailing them through the actually populated places in Heaven for once, in full Exorcist gear.”

Charlie: “Well if she, if they were masked, maybe it wasn’t always the same person-”

Emily: “It was. She was easy enough to spot even without the wings, once I knew what to look for.”

Charlie: “Which was…?”

Emily: “She was the only one who’d wave back at the children who waved at her.”

Charlie: “…”

Charlie: “…oh.”

Emily: “Sorry. This is, a pretty depressing thing to go back to sleep after, isn’t it? Try to have some good dreams okay?”

Charlie: “I- I will. I’ll try. Um, you too?”

Emily: “I’ll give my best shot, if I can sleep. Thank you again, Charlie. Night.”

Charlie: “Good night..”

-call ends-

Charlie: “……..”

Muffled voice: “….charlie?”

Charlie: “SHIT!” (bangs head on door) (slips back into bedroom) “I’m here, I’m right here- no no no don’t sit up-!”

Vaggie: “What’s wrong?”

Charlie: “Nothing! Just a phone call. Please lay back down?”

Vaggie: “Something happened. Everyone okay?”

Charlie: “Everyone’s fine- Emily calling for a small favor that’s all- Vaggie c’mon, we just got it so your ribs weren’t getting pressed on…”

Vaggie: “Emily.” (alarmed) “Did Lute try something? Did Sera-?”

Charlie: “NO. Nothing happened to anyone! Now, SIT!”

Vaggie: (sits)

Vaggie: “Something’s wrong.”

Charlie: “Well my girlfriend happens to be one half broken bones and other half tenderized meat and won’t stay still, so THAT’S not exactly great!”

Vaggie: “…..”

Charlie: “…….”

Charlie: (sits too) “…Emily wants help checking the dead Exorcists. She might’ve known one of them.”

Vaggie: “Shit.”

Charlie: “Yeah..”

Vaggie: “But, knew one? How would she know any of us?”

Charlie: “Well…”

Vaggie: “She’s a seraph. The only Exorcist who goes near the higher ups is Lute.”  

Charlie: “Right but, just because you never met her doesn’t mean…”

Charlie: (sighs)

Charlie: “It was a LONG talk. Tell you tomorrow?”

Vaggie: "I guess... If you promise to be my pillow and lay down for a while instead of just pacing some more, then yeah, I can wait.”

Charlie: “Okay not fair- I was taking a call!”

Vaggie: “Your hoofbeats were tip tapping through my dreams long before then, babe.”

Charlie: “Motherfucker.”

Vaggie: (chuckling) “Sleep, sweetie.” (drags them down)

Charlie: “Hey don’t act like that wasn’t MY line a moment ago!”

Vaggie: “A moment ago all I knew was something was wrong and you were sad. Now I know just the usual shit is wrong, and you’re dead tired.”

Charlie: “Guess you’re not wrong there…”

Charlie: “….Vaggie?”

Vaggie: “Hmm?”

Charlie: "Do you.. like Emily?"

Vaggie: "Like her? The one not asshole angel up in heaven? She got all fired up with you about the shit unfairness of hell and stuff. What's not to like."

Charlie: "That's not the same as you actually liking her though."

Vaggie: "Hun, we've barely met. It's not like I went on the heaven tour with her."

Charlie: "Buuut.. maybe you'd like to get to know her?"

Vaggie: "Do you want me to get to know her."

Charlie: ".... I just wish there was some part of heaven that... wasn't bad for you."

Vaggie: "Hey, it was heaven. Murder soldier cult thing aside, if we're just talking personal comfort or whatever, it wasn't the worst thing in creation."

Charlie: "Wow what a stunning review! Other than the psychological trauma, it was great!"

Vaggie: "It wasn't that bad. Just you know. Comparatively."

Charlie: "Comparatively?"

Vaggie: "To this. Being here like this, with you."

Charlie: "Hmph."

Charlie: "...."

Vaggie: "..."

Charlie: "... you asleep?"

Vaggie: "Almost. But it feels like you have another question before you're ready for sleep."

Charlie: "You don't have to answer this one."

Vaggie: "Me not answering is kinda what fucked us over before."

Charlie: "It's different now. We can wait until you're ready."

Vaggie: "I'm ready. Ask."

Charlie: "....okay."

Charlie: "Um..."

Charlie: “Was. The sinners you killed-”

Vaggie: “Murdered.”

Charlie: “Murdered, okay. Okay. Were they. Were any of them… kids?”

Vaggie: “….”

Vaggie: “Once.”

Vaggie: “Almost.”

Charlie: “…almost… so, that was the time you stopped.”

Vaggie: “Yes.”

Charlie: “Okay. Because it was a kid?”

Vaggie: “I don’t know.”

Charlie: “What d-”

Vaggie: “I don’t know what I mean. It doesn’t. I don’t think it matters. Charlie- not killing one time isn’t the same as… never having killed.”

Charlie: “I know- I mean, I get that-”

Vaggie: “It doesn’t fix anything, or make anything better.”

Charlie: “It doesn't have to! We’re working on that part together. With the hotel.”

Vaggie: “It's not your thing to have to make up for.”

Charlie: “My home, my people, my friends and my girlfriend. Mine mine mine. And you feel better now you’ve stopped, don’t you?”

Vaggie: “Feeling like a less crappy person also isn’t the same as feeling better.”

Charlie: “It’s not?”

Vaggie: “Thinking you’re a good person, a hero even, is a pretty great feeling. Finding out you’re murderer sucks.”

Charlie: “You ARE a good-!”

Vaggie: “Charlie. Please?”

Charlie: “….”

Charlie: “What about when I hug you?”

Vaggie: “… hard not to feel lucky as hell, then.”

Charlie: “Good” (hugs) "Me too."

Vaggie: “Kinda hard to hug back while I’m lying half on top of you… Would a wing snuggle be alright?”

Charlie: “It won’t hurt your ribs??”

Vaggie: “No. I could use a stretch, honestly.”

Charlie: “Then gimme the floofies!”

Vaggie: “Yeah?”

Charlie: “GIMME GIMME~”

Vaggie: "Floofies at your service." (wings go floof) (snuggles one over charlie) “I’m glad they came back.. different.”

Charlie: “With the gray?”

Vaggie: “Mm. Thoughts?”

Charlie: “GRAY-t! They go WAY better with your hair now!”

Vaggie: (chuckling) “Nice. Girlfriend approved."

Charlie: "And it's lucky we ARE girlfriends, or else your pretty wings would have girls FLOCKING to you!"

Vaggie: "Right." (SNORTS) "Night, Charlie.”

Charlie: “If you’re wishing me goodnight to try stoping the wing puns, please know there’s more where that came from! I am in no way winging it here.”

Vaggie: “I figured.”

Charlie: "I really do love your wings, Vaggie."

Vaggie: "Really helps they don't look like they used to."

Charlie: "Hmm. Is the anything other than the color different?"

Vaggie: "... Isn't that enough?"

Charlie: "I don't mean it like that! It's just, well, they only have one stripe on them, and the other exorcists-"

Vaggie: "They were like that before. Sorry."

Charlie: "Vaggie I don't NEED them to look different. I'm just, curious!"

Vaggie: "Uh-huh."

Charlie: "Really! Did any of the other exorcists have-?"

Vaggie: "No."

Charlie: "None of them? Ever?"

Vaggie: "Not since I took up vanguard duty. Or since. Looks like Lute got rid of the position after I- after getting rid of me. Now they just all stream down into hell all at once. No one scouts ahead." (mutters) "Messy."

Charlie: "Huh."

Vaggie: "So I guess my wings didn't change that much really."

Charlie: "If they'd stayed exactly the same I would have loved them."

Vaggie: "Not sure I'd want you to."

Charlie: "Too bad. They're part of you. They're part of the most amazing woman I've ever met.... If you like them better now though, that's good. Maybe you. Maybe you'll feel like having them out more?"

Vaggie: "We'll see."

Charlie: "BUT I want eternal dibs on the wing hugs."

Vaggie: "What? You staking a claim?"

Charlie: "Yes absolutely. My wing hugs, okay?" (hugs tighter) "Mine."

Vaggie: "Okay." (chuckling) (relaxing) "They're all yours, babe." (snuggling in) “Love you...”

Charlie: “Love you too, Vaggie.”

Charlie: (smooches gf's forehead) “Goodnight…”

Vaggie: (already asleep)

Charlie: “…..”

Charlie: (traces the one stripe on Vaggie’s wing)

Charlie: "...you probably could have been happy up there... if they'd let you."

Charlie: (wipes face)

Charlie: “… fuck heaven.”  

Vaggie: (SNORES)

Charlie: (grins) (still teary-eyed) “Exactly.”

[keelt9]

Chapter 5

Masterlist

“Could…Could you at least keep your location on?” Mía is at the verge of frustration, but I try to keep it calm. The last thing she told me, probably helps her to realize what it feels like to be an older one.

That happens 20 minutes after I start my animated discussion with the big guy. He is right but I am asking for an act of mercy.

“Miss, I’m sorry, but…” I’m already red with desperation.

“Sir, please, please, just once, call her and she will know what to do!” Thankfully there wasn’t anyone nearby, one more time I arrived extremely late.

“Lad…” His new rejection pulled my last attempt. I didn't travel for more than 7 hours as I heard my little sister complain about my squandering without even telling her a reasonable reason.

I close my eyes and beg with my hands. “Sir, just one time, anyone in the paddock, I’m really, really, playing something huge here, I’m not lying to say this can cost me… more than I’m imagining right now.” 

“You should think before spended it.” I open my eyes, my hands still sticking together.

“I’m not talking about money.”

I don’t know if it was the conviction in my voice or a miracle, but he grabs his radio and calls for Violet of the media team in Red Bull. I don’t have anything more to do just sit on the ground hoping for the second part of the miracle.

“Do you want me to call for a paramedic?” I didn't get it at first but then I remember I have a red kinesiology tape from my shoulder up to the back of my neck; Anton put it on me before “send me home” for rest.

“Oh, no I’m fine, I already take my painkillers.” It’s not for causing pity, it’s the truth.

“You came here not knowing if you even will enter; correct me if I’m wrong, with a neck injury?” Now he wants to talk.

“Shoulder injury, and yeah, I take the risk. “ He bluffs looking at me like the first time I stand in front of him, with incredulity. “Because it's totally worth it.”

“OMG Y/N, what are you doing here?” Violet appears breathless as she takes out her cellphone looking for something. “Please don’t tell me Max was waiting for you?” 

I chuckle probably the last time Max wasn’t that happy that no one could find me. “Oh no, no, it’s the opposite.” 

“It’s ok, she can come in, I’ll give her a pass.” The big guy nodded and opened the door for me to get inside.

“Hey, girl!” He screams when we start to walk, this time in his eyes I see acknowledgement. “Take care of that shoulder, all right?” 

I told Violet my journey, my spontaneous plan, my arriving here without warning and my almost useless attempt to contact her without having a clue of her full name, and my new friend. I omit the fact I haven't replay any of the texts from Max since Saturday morning, and the missing calls.

“OH! I see, I see, I can help you with that.” Violet walked with me to the stands, where family and friends of the pilots could see the race without problem. 

The experience was probably what Max expected I got through when he invited me to Silverston. I was able to see the race really close; with 10 laps remaining, I stood and walked back to a similar room where Max gave me the T-Shirt. Max celebate like nothing happened. I watch all the ceremony from the T.V in the room, waiting twisting my fingers in my hands.

“How could you not know where I left it?” I hear clearly angry Max. “I left it next to the bottle.” I walked slowly standing in the corner next to the entrance where he couldn’t see me so easily.

“We’ll look for it Max, take it easy.” They are coming closer.

“Or I could go and do it myself, I bet the person inside can wait a couple of minutes.” I imagine him with lethal eyes in his face.

“I don’t think the person inside is the person you want to make her wait.” This time I recognized Violet's voice. “Lisent Max, go and then you can look for your cell phone, for christ sake.” She’s clearly done with him.

He enters head down and moves it side to side, annoying but obedient like a few times; he switches his mood to a polite one but when he doesn't see anyone he opens his arms and lets it fall with a hard sound. No one else follows him.

“See, no one, now if you let me…” He speaks as he turns but in the middle of it, he sees me smiling big at him.

We both walk faster, he hugs me, both of his arms around my neck, the last thing I saw before closing my eyes is a wide open smile on his face.

“OMG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” He speaks as he buried his face on my neck, I rub his back as I giggle, I never get used to this comfy sensation.

“Surprise.” He splits and touches softly with his fingers my chin, where probably the scar that forms the bowstring stains in a line, red wine color.

“Why…where…how do you get in here?” He asked me as pull me closer.

“You must give me credit for this, please, it wasn't easy, at all.” I grab his cap which is about to fall from his head.

“For sure. This is great, amazing… You are amazing, still do you know how nervous I was for not replying to any of my texts or calls?” I hear his question as he splits, rushing his words. I give him a peck on his cheek, like he said I recharge him.

This time he blushes, a red pop of color in his face.

We start to talk, he quickly understands I really don’t want to talk about how the examination goes so he keeps explaining to me things I still don’t understand from the race, but when we reach the garage I see media people from Red Bull quickly surround him.

The mere fact of flashes and voices whispering out loud causes a flashback in my mind. The incessant questions, just predicting the worst scenarios, others remember I’m leaving my team in the middle of a huge competition, didn't leave me breath. 

I feel a cold sweat, the need to run away appears one more time. “I’ll see you later all right?” 

Max knew that stopping a girl in the garage surrounded by cameras and reporters giving something to talk about is the last thing we need; so he nodded and walked where GP is talking with Christian, still I know that conflicted eyes.

I see Violet talking far away from the cameras with other girls, before I leave I need to thank her “Thanks Violet.” I hugged her and she did the same. 

“Any time Y/N now you have my phone for anything you need.” I assent and walk with one thing in mind, leave.

My steps were automatic as I reached the exit texting Mia; I’ll spend the night here and I will take a plane back home tomorrow morning. 

“Go back home safe, girl!” The big guy screams when he sees me walking through the door, I smile at him and wave my hand. I definitely made a new friend.

In the hotel I heard all the telling from Mia, even though I hate to admit she is right, I act reckless after a big meeting.

Mia takes a deep breath and calms her down. “And now you are in the hotel alone, that’s what makes me more angry, who think he is?” I already told her all the story. If I want peace, this is the kind of things I hope she understands.

“Oh come on Mia! I came here without a heads up, I knew he would have tons of things to do.” Through a video call it is clear to see her exasperation. “Besides, I’m the one who ran away.”

Literally.

“Whatever. Make sure to get home safe ok?” Even after her anger Mia moves me with her corner.

“I’ll do it mom” Mia laughs and wishes me good night. 

I replay the last text of Max apologizing for not being able to have dinner with me, but he already has scheduled a dinner with Charles and Lando; after that I fell asleep so quickly that the only thing that woke me up was my alarm, buzzing on my hand.

I reserve my flight as the first thing in the morning, I grab the bag I pack and run out of the room, no bother in reading the message I have. 

Thankfully Anton is already rescheduled for Tuesday morning, that means I have a free Monday, giving time to do my weekend activities, go to the grocery store, keep me updated with my morning runs and cleaning the apartment.  

Max told me he will make up with me, as soon as he arrives in Milton Keynes and I keep saying it’s ok, I saw him, that was the main point of my little travel.

A week later, Monday morning starts with a run through the hallways when I see Anton’s text telling me we will be working in the space he arranged when the coaches came. But when I enter a strong boom and color papers fly in front of me, scare me.

“OH SHIT!” I dropped my phone, I heard the sound of familiar laughs that made my heart beat like crazy.

I see them, Olivia, Charlotte, and Rachel, my team with party hats and Olivia holding a cake, counting until 3 and starting to sing “Happy birthday.” 

“OMG! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! In a single hug I practically forced Liam to catch the cake in the air. 

“What do you mean? Happy birthday!” Charlotte says still sticking to my side. She is the youngest of the team, she resembles Mia a lot. 

“Well, getting ahead a couple of days before your birthday.” Oliva, the team leader and the older of us, corrected her. She was right, my birthday will be in a week.

“Oh, but that’s not all.” Rachel, the brave girl who stepped up when I got injured a year ago, covers my eyes and turns me around. 

“Tadaaa!!” They scream as she removes her hands.

“THERE IS NOT FUCKING WAY!” I scream as I run where Matthew is waiting for me with open arms, he carefully holds me arms around my waist, shaking me from side to side, an old habit we had.

Matthew is my best friend and my partner in all the duplet competitions, we met when we were 7 years old in our first days of training in a more professional way, the bond we made was quick and became stronger year by year. Marie Anne calls us the gold coins, I can proudly say in all these years we have a modest amount of 10 gold medals as a team.

“LOOK AT YOU!” We walk back to reunite with the girls. “You look amazing!” He passed his arms around my shoulder pulling me closer. 

“I’m amazing.” It’s incredible having them here, it feels like being at home one more time.

They explained to me, they made a quick stop before going to Antalya for the competition, and they refused to let me pass my birthday alone. After my face was covered with chocolate from the cake and we sat down to eat, I introduced them properly to Anton, bragging a little bit about our achievements. After a while Liam and Anton offer to go and buy something to eat, leaving us alone for a while. 

That gave me time to explain what the coaches told me. Robert recognised my technique and my pression but his concern about the resistance on my shoulder in the long term. Marie Anne, who is actually Matt’s coach, told me it’s a notorious recovery still she is unsure a year is enough time for avoiding a reinjury. Will has two petitions, he needs my shoulder to be stronger and keep in physiotherapy at least 3 months more and they come for evaluating me, one more time.

“We imagined that from Will but that was a little bit harsh from Marie Anne.” Charlotte says, taking a sip of her bottle.

“I’ll give you 2.” Olivia said, patting my head. “In two months you will get that.” 

Liam and Anton arrive a couple of minutes later with some sandwiches and sodas. “Don’t tell your coaches I’m giving you these.” Liam laughing clearly for me didn't mean a problem but they will have a competition in 3 days.

“Please kids, go and wash your hands.” Anton says as he searches for cups. 

The team told us they will leave tomorrow night, that gives us a whole day. They give me full attention, and help me to practice some shoots. They mentioned things I wasn't doing right either because I let it pass or I'm still unsure of my shoulder. Anton and Liam let us go early with a new surprise; Charlotte already has scheduled a dinner in a nice restaurant. 

In the dinner we spoke about the training, funny moments, how good some teams are this year and the challenge that represents for Rachel switching Compound Arch for Recurved Arch. One more time I feel part of a world I love.

Early in the morning they insisted on making breakfast, just they didn't know I usually don't have breakfast at home so I ran out of morning supplies. “Ok, ok, I'll go with you.” Matt and I were walking to the nearest store, 8 blocks away.

“Max was great, I mean running in his home must be exciting” He distracted me on purpose because I didn't notice those words until I answered.

“You have no idea, still the weather was kind of tricky.” My words came naturally as I opened a bag of bread. “Fuck!”

Matt makes my arm tingle in his arm. “Yeah, I see you.” The panic on my expression made him continue. “Don't worry, no one else knows that, I’ll see you in one of the many photos a random person takes.” 

Matthew used to date a girl who is a huge fan of F1. “I thought you already got over that phase.” They broke up 9 months ago.

“You're turning this to me, clever girl.” As we walk he lends his head over mine. “Just be careful, ok? Next year we'll have a big target to hit, don't feel pressured, but…” 

I feel his breathing going slowly. “We need you there, I mean I can carry this federation on my own.”

That makes me laugh. “Ok I get it, I get it.” Slowly I open the new jar of Nutella we just bought. “He is number one too, believe me, I’m focused on being just with the best.” I covered his nose with chocolate and ran back home.

As they say, they left at night, not before Liam at the request of their coaches put them through a hard training, he said, they’ll be able to sleep like babies in the plane. 

“Take care ok?” Olivia hugs me so tight, but carefully not pressing my shoulder too much. “We came back and got you out here, promise.” I nod and the younger girls do the same.

“Love you. Don’t take my words the wrong way, I’m just worried.” Matt kissed the top of my head. 

After we saw the plane lifting from the ground Liam took me home so I can rest, he said; I quote. <Big changes tomorrow.>

I totally forgot my last text to Max was yesterday at night, he must be busy because he didn’t even read it. 

<That’s great honey! Rest, love you!> I can hear the excitement of dad after Liam sent him the video of me practicing some shots, almost perfectly.

At the hour Max and I usually talk I prepare for calling him when someone knocks the door, twice.

“You forget the ke…” I open the door thinkin Liam was at the other side but the soft light of a candle in a dark hallway calls my attention.

“Happy birthday.” I raise my sight from the small cupcake.

“Amm, thanks but…” I barely can contain my smile. “It’s not my birthday.” 

Max now was clearly speechless. “What? But…but… I see the cake, the hugs and kisses.”

“Oh.” He rushes to his answer. 

“I mean, I was passing by and it’s almost impossible not to see the flying color papers, the big letters, the cake, strange persons, a guy kissing you.” He is so cute.

“I already told you about Matty.” He bluffs, rolling his eyes. 

“Matty?! Yeah you talked about Matthew.” I am fighting for the urge to touch him.

“Are you mad or are you jealous?” He opened his eyes round as plate while I take the cupcake, blowing out the candle, or the wax will burn his fingers

“What, what? Why… Wh…Why I be?” He’s a shuttering. He is jealous, it’s funny how much this buzz could make me feel happy, maybe, just maybe he felt the same as I feel for him. 

“Let me think for more than a second.” I bite the cupcake, red velvet, my favorite. 

I’m lost one more time in his words, this time I couldn't avoid laughing. “Max, what are you talking about?” 

“OF COURSE I’M JEALOUS! Come on! Your teammates come out of the blue, and yeah, I get, it is or it will be or it was your birthday and he even gets you to laugh like that, looking so happy, I feel so so so… watching from far away .” He didn’t even realize but he just caged both of his hands at the side of head. 

I’m trapped inside the apartment, against the wall. Max is so close to me.

I grip his jacket and pull him to press my lips against his cheek. “You make me feel like my birthday is every day, you don't need to know the specific date to make me feel, and laugh like that.” He can splits still he keeps his face a few cm of my face, I smile at him. 

Suddenly he lost his words. “You stain us with whipped cream.” He looks and smiles shyly, letting down his head, carefully resting on my shoulder, both of us laughing.

“Now could I move, go and prepare something for dinner, I’m hungry.” He smiles and lets down his arms.

“I’ll order something.” He took out his cellphone clearly embarrassed for his lack of control a few seconds ago. This time I stand on my tip toes, kissing the corner of his lips. 

The cherry color in his face turns strawberry pink and that blue eye gives the perfect contrast.

[shippyo]

Wisp:hello Miss Life, do you remember me? N-No wait, of course you do. I-I’m sorry, that was a dumb question..so um, the next rounds of the tournament are coming up very soon and I’ve been getting more and more nervous…I was hoping that you could possibly give me a bit of advice to help me calm down? Y-You don’t have to if you don’t wanna! I-it’s fine..

life gestured with her hands,talking back to wisp

"Mm...Honestly, I have no idea!"

that was NOT a response anyone expected from her,life even left out a soft giggle,as if that wasnt a huge deal

"I am not some specialized therapist even though I have experience for being that everything it wont matter the thousands times i tell you to breathe, concentrate or anything,that will not solve what i think is really happening to you."

Life got down on its knees, leveling up to wisp

"But I can offer you a... conversation."

She gently settled next to Wisp.

"I notice in you that you have had a very complicated life, you are afraid,shy, yes, I see it more and more clearly now,those things that for others gaze viewed you as a weak thing..."

Life gestured around the place they are both in,a huge emptiness

"And even though you are no longer in that situation, you feel... afraid of failing others, don't you? Losing makes you feel bad,pathetic, because of the scars of the past, but look around you now, you are safe,there is nothing there to harm you."

"People who support you, the new friends you're meeting, does it even matter to win or getting to the next round? No, not at all,you are great the way you are,and we all accepted it as such."

life touched gently wisp's cheek,a small light felt inside of the kid,certain protection,safeness...

"That fear and nervousness may not go away for now, but you can keep in mind that now everything is fine and you have many people around you, even if you lose, even if there are strangers around you, everything is fine and you are not a failure for failing."

"At least...I think that could help you find peace in yourself."

@kirbyoctournament

[nomoreusername]

Not Proud

⚠️ Self harm ⚠️

Pairing:Newt x female reader

Summary:As you're ready to give in again and cut, Newt catches and comforts you.

Requested by @newts-limp

I wasn't proud of it. Not in the slightest bit. If anything, I was ashamed, but I didn't know how to stop. There's just something about the blade that seems to call to me, telling me that it was the only thing that would ever understand me.

And maybe that’s true. Maybe I’m so addicted to this thing that it truly is the only thing that matters. Maybe it's the only thing that can take the pain away. If I focus on this pain I don't have to think about the other kind. The kind on the inside that makes me want to close my eyes and not wake up.

I’m not suicidal. I don't think so, but I wouldn't exactly mind if something happened to me. I just don't have it in me to care anymore. I don't have it in me to have hope that anything good will happen soon or at all. Getting out and being actually happy and meeting other girls all feels like some dream that I’ll never get to reach.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath as I held it over my waist. It wasn't healthy. It wasn't good for me. It wasn't a solution, but I had to. I needed to do this. I had already gone a week without it, and if I didn't cut soon I was going to go crazy. I was going to lose it. I was going to do something worse than even this.

They itch. The cuts itch the most when they're healing so I just won't let them heal. It's as simple as that. Just like it's so simple to drag a blade across my stomach until I don't want to die.

I was desperate. I was really, really desperate.

I know it's wrong. I know it's an addiction, but I won't quit. I can't, but I don't need to. This isn't going to kill me. This isn't hurting anyone, and it's like I have something to fill the void inside of me. It's fine. It's fine, it's fine, it’s fine.

Taking a breath, as I went to do it my hut door opened. Frozen in disbelief, I stared at Newt who stared at me, holding my shirt up and placing a razor on my stomach. That also meant fresh cuts and old scars were on display, revealing to him just how messed up I actually am. Even though I was the best at hiding it, there was no way to brush this off.

“Hi,”I got out, managing to put my shirt down. Then, before either of us could say another word, I broke down. As I was shaking I heard my razor clank to the floor, gravity taking my biggest curse and worst blessing. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I kept mumbling incoherent apologies.

“It’s okay. It's okay, love. It's okay,”He said quickly, shutting my door and sitting beside me. Shaking my head, I kept wiping my eyes just for more tears to follow.

“It's okay. It’s okay. You're alright,”He repeated. As I buried my face in the crook of his neck the lump in my throat, along with the guilt in my stomach, seemed to get worse as he rubbed my back.

“I’m sorry,”I repeated.

“It's going to be okay. I promise. It’s all going to be fine,”He soothed. With my harsh sobs turning to sniffles, I kept my eyes close as I clung to him. Not even about to speak, I essentially shut down. While this usually happened when I was done feeding my mind and body's demand for pain, I was just so drained from it all. Knowing I had been caught was surreal, but I also knew that some things would probably change. Things I probably didn't want.

“Y/N, let's go to sleep?”He suggested. Not seeing the point in saying no, I nodded my head. I mean it wasn't like I was going to be getting any words out anytime soon. It wasn't like I even wanted to.

Laying down, I kept my head in his neck. With his arm still around me, he traced hearts on my skin, making sure his hands didn't touch my waist.

“I do love you. I will always love you. Nothing anyone says or does, even you, could ever make me stop,”He whispered. Keeping my eyes shut, I took a breath as I accepted that right now was the most peaceful I had felt in a long, long time.

I could never bear to lose him. Ever, ever.

But if I do in the future, I have him right now. He’s with me, and that has to be enough to make everything just a little less terrible.

[hannahbarberra162]

Can't Fix Fix A Broken Heart - Chapter 3

TW: crying, mentions of abuse, brief mentions of death, anxiety

Notes: I HC Thatch as being Mexican. We're getting a little yandere-y...

Also I don't think I mentioned but this is AU where Thatch, Ace, and Whitebeard don't die because I love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You weren’t really sure what you were doing. Your body was moving but you didn’t feel like you were controlling any of it. You couldn’t think, couldn’t focus on anything, could barely breathe. You realized you were still clutching the poster in your hand, so you forced yourself to relax your grip and put it in the pocket of your apron. You crouched down on your heels by the end of the alley with your head in your hands. You started rubbing your fingers on your scalp as a way to try to ground yourself in the moment. All the stupid bullshit methods of self regulation you had been reading about weren’t working. Your thoughts were swirling like a maelstrom, threatening to drown you in their chaos. You were angry so very angry and sad and scared so very scared and worried and back to angry. 

You didn’t know how much time had passed but at some point you picked up your head and saw Thatch seated next to you leaning against the side of the alley. Even though you saw him already, it still spooked you to see him so close. You jerked a little bit but didn’t move your position. 

“Rough news, huh?” he said with a gentle tone. 

“Yeah.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet another Fourth Division Commander!” his light hearted joke didn’t land as you didn’t respond. You could barely process your own thoughts, let alone navigate social interactions.

“I’m not a pirate” you said and sat all the way down next to him. You bent your knees to your chest and placed your head on top of them.

“No offense mamacita, but I didn’t think you were. So what’s with the bounty then? Are you a Marine on the run? We have a few Marine contacts if you ne–”

“I am NOT a Marine” you said emphatically as you shot him a look of malice. Immediately you deflated - he didn’t deserve your ire. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t called for. I just…I’m just angry. Not at you, though.” You absently started to fix some of the cracked cobblestones near you. It was a good outlet for your energy at least. 

“I thought all the Twisted Pirates were killed a long time ago. I haven't heard about them in years” Thatch said, scratching his goatee.

“Yeah, they were.”

“And the Marines are saying you’re the Twisted’s Commander? So if you’re not a Marine and you’re not a pirate, what’s going on? That’s a huge bounty for a civilian.”

You looked into his eyes and grimaced. You were already in so much trouble, you didn’t think telling anyone at this point would make a difference. Besides, he looked like he might actually listen. You weren’t sure you could make it through the story without crying, but taking in a shaky breath you started. 

“Um, well… about 7 years ago my island was attacked by the Twisted pirates. The pirates destroyed everything on the island and took me with them. I was with them for a while until they were defeated by Marines. The Marines took me from the pirates and kept me on their ship for about 5 years. A few months ago, the ship I was on was wrecked and I ended up on this island. I guess they want me back.”

Thatch was listening and watching you intently. Your eyes had started to water so you turned your head to face the other way. 

“What do you mean they kept you on their ship? Like they forced you to join their ranks?”

You turned your face back towards him and shook your head. “No. At first when they brought me on their ship I was so grateful. I thought they would take me back to my island or somewhere closeby. But they saw my devil fruit power and just kept me on the ship as an unprocessed pirate captive. They never took me to a base, never charged me with anything, just…kept me on their boat. Since I was never processed on any Marine base, there was no record of my so-called rescue or how I came to them. I had no status, no rights. I was just there to do with as they wanted. ”

You were crying now, tears running down your cheeks as you talked. “All the other Twisted pirates were killed in battle, so there was no one to corroborate my side of the story. They said I was a pirate since I have a jolly roger on me and it was my word against Marine officers.”

Thatch reached into his coat pocket and handed you a handkerchief. For a moment he hesitated, seeming to want to dry them himself. But you were glad he let you do it himself.

“So I stayed there, a prisoner on the ship. They never let me leave the boat or be seen by other officers or commanders or anything. I fixed their ship all the time, I worked a lot….stuff like that. They weren’t…nice to me. Then the ship sank, so…” you trailed off, feeling deflated. You didn’t feel like talking anymore about what had happened. Your initial adrenaline had worn off and you were feeling exhausted.

Thatch tilted his head with a concerned look on his face, and extended his arm to pat your back with his hand. He didn’t touch you immediately, but waited until you nodded slightly at him. His large hand started rubbing soothing circles on your back while your tears dried. It felt…nice. Warm. You laid your head back down on your knees and closed your eyes. No one had rubbed your back in…you couldn’t remember. You hoped he wouldn’t stop.

Thatch POV

Even though he was gently rubbing your back, Thatch was smoldering with rage inside. If you weren’t there he would have punched a hole through the brick wall. He hoped he was keeping a neutral enough expression on his face. The last thing you needed was to see more aggression.

Kept as a slave for years on a Marine ship? No wonder you were so upset when he asked if you were a Marine. He couldn’t imagine your time on the pirate boat had been any better either. He was sure there was even more to the story underneath the surface of what you had said. He wanted to ask you questions but now wasn’t the time. 

It was obvious that the Marines wanted you back to continue using you for your Devil Fruit and who knows what else. All the women he had ever met who were captives held deep and lasting trauma. With your fruit he couldn’t imagine how much money you’d saved the Marines over the course of 5 years, completing repairs for free. He was sure someone high up got a fat bonus for saving money on the bottom line, too. Based on your wanted poster picture, they were running you ragged. He wondered how they kept you a secret from all the other crews and officials.

For a measly 25,000 Beri they’d be able to have their free service back without having to look for you. You would fall prey to the first bounty hunter to look for you since you weren’t a fighter and didn’t have connections. It was a good plan from the Marines, but not one he was going to let happen.

Thatch noticed you started crying again, completely silent. You seemed to be used to crying and either no one caring - or worse - being hurt for making noise. Your jumpiness and nervousness made more sense with the new information. 

“Pobrecita…no te preocupes…estoy aquí” Thatch started cooing to you in Spanish, saying whatever came to his mind. Even though he was enraged at the situation and feeling sorry for you, he did notice how sweet you looked crying like this. You were like a little doll, a little broken thing he could have and fix. Thatch knew himself well enough to recognize his protective - and possessive - streak. You were so sad, so worried, so fragile. He knew what he wanted - he just needed the others inside to agree. And how could they not? After all, you were so helpless in such a big, bad world...

[breakingstanding]

I am actually devastated over Michaela… not because I care about Michael or the book, but if they’re making Francesca queer, there’s no way they’re making Eloise a lesbian (which she SO clearly is!). I saw the spoiler of Franny and thought okay they can make 2/8 queer, and then I watched and saw they made Benedict queer too! I just can’t see them doing 3, especially 2 women.

It’s so disheartening because so many people have been rooting for sapphic eloise and I think hardly anyone was wanting Franny.

I think i’m more upset with this than if none had been queer because like ugh we were SO CLOSE. We could’ve had it all. like imagine how happy we could all be right now. 😭

they’ve been setting up queer benedict and eloise since season 1 so I just don’t understand why they would do this. (sorry for venting to you- none of my friends that’s watch are caught up yet)

Always happy for a vent, and I definitely feel you! I'm personally really excited about Francesca's storyline because I really liked her this season and Michaela is EXTREMELY hot lol - but I'm also frustrated that it's the sister we've had as a side character for one season who will be getting a queer love story, and not the one we've been invested in for three seasons.

Ultimately I think the frustration we are feeling is more because this is reflective of larger issues that always pop up in fandom than being upset about not getting a storyline we wanted for a character (although I'm not going to pretend that's not a factor too!) a) There's such a pattern in fan spaces for queer people to see themselves in a character and to recognise clear queercoding, and then to have straight people come in and condescendingly say "not all characters with x trait have to be gay" - as if we have an overabundance of queer characters and are trying to get our grubby gay hands on more. So much of the discourse around Eloise amounts to people saying "not all feminist characters have to be lesbians" which is crazy to me because WHERE are all these shows that are supposedly full of feminist lesbians?? Please tell me I would love to watch them!

b) Straight fans will get all different types of characters and plotlines for the heterosexual couples and then act like queer people are being greedy if we ask for more than one for us. Just within Bridgerton there have been three straight main couples already - and of the queer siblings we've also gotten to see a cute romance between Francesca and a man, and will likely see Benedict fall in love with a woman (this is not to diminish their queerness, obviously bisexual stories are incredibly important regardless of the gender of the love interests, more just pointing out the sheer quantity of m/f love stories straight fans get to enjoy).

It absolutely sucks that we exist in a TV landscape where instead of being excited about what looks to be a delightful relationship between Francesca and Michaela we are instead mourning the loss of other another character's queer potential. It's absurd that we are so rarely allowed to have multiple sapphic characters (who aren't each other's love interest) on the same show - particularly because in real life queer people tend to flock together!

The feeling reminds me of being part of the 100 fandom nearly a decade ago. I distinctly remember when it was leaked that Clarke and Lexa were going to kiss. The sapphic side of the fandom were definitely very excited - but there was also this strange sense of dread too. I saw countless posts of people bemoaning that now that she was gay they were definitely going to kill her off - and they were right! Bury your gays was such a common trope that we could see it coming a mile off.

This has felt like a very similar reaction. Queer fans spend a lot of time dealing with subtext and are very good at recognising tropes and patterns, and we know that the chances of Netflix allowing one their tentpole shows to have two sapphic main characters is slim to none.

I hope we are wrong and things are changing for the better, I really do.

I think the best thing we can do now is swallow our disappointment and make sure we support Francesca/Michaela fiercely to prove that there is an audience for sapphic stories.

[kkqueergurl]

Grant Chapman awoke in the morning as he normally did. Poured himself a cup of tea, he’d never been able to stomach coffee, and sat on his sofa. He sighed and sank into the corner. It was a Sunday so the post would be here soon. He leaned over to the side table, and picked up a book he’d been reading, or in his case trying to read. Remus had suggested it to him. He flipped to his bookmark, which really was just a small piece of paper he’d found on his floor. But just as he began to read, a knock at the door shook his small apartment. He stood up abruptly. He wasn’t expecting anyone, right? He placed his book back down and stood up, smoothing his shirt and fixing his hair, just in case it was the lanky brunette covered in scars who’d decided to make an appearance. He shuffled over and opened the squeaky brown door. His fantasies were quickly diminished when he saw a tall dark man standing out in the hall. “Are you Grant Chapman?” The man asked.

His hair was a dark shade of brown, but almost black. He had even darker eyes, that looked like they’d been through hell and back. “Uh yes…that’s me, why?” Grant fiddled with his rings.

“I’m instructed to give this to you. It’s from a Mr. Lupin.”

“Remus?” Grant perked up, the hair on the back of his neck stood up. He shook the feeling away and took the letter.

The man nodded, and walked away, down the long, wooden hall. Grant watched him go. The man looked somber as he quickened his pace to the stairs.

Grant closed the door, and sat down to read the letter.

He picked at the dark red wax seal holding the folded parchment in place. He opened it and recognized the familiar penmanship.

“Grant,

I write to you because I know the circumstances of what I am about to do. So just in case, I have this letter to keep my affairs in order. If you are reading this, it means I’ve gone. I am no longer alive to sit and tell you this news. But on the opposing side, that means you are alive and well, which is, frankly, all that matters to me. Thank you for the kind words you’ve given me over the past many years. But this is the last you’ll ever hear of me. I’ve decided not to have a funeral, so I don’t cause any commotion with you and my friends. So I’ve decided you can have this, my estate. I know it isn’t much, but it’s far more than the drafty little place you call a home. Once again, thank you for everything, I hope to see you in another life. My one true friend.

Yours,

Remus J Lupin.”

[fanficshiddles]

Eternally Mine, Chapter 12

When all the vampires were cleaned up, everyone congregated in the living room. Hannibal arrived too after nipping home to clean up first.

Chris had Louise tucked under his arm on the sofa, Jessica and Spencer were next to them. Loki sat on the smaller sofa with Claire on his lap, so Toshi and Severus could sit next to them. David, Hannibal and Matt took dining table chairs through to sit on.

Bat was on Toshi’s lap, she knew instantly that she was a cat mum so was of course naturally attracted to her the most. Toshi was beside herself when she met Bat, after hearing so much about her.

‘She’s even better than I imagined.’ Toshi said with the biggest smile.

Severus always smiled seeing her so happy, he had his arm draped around her shoulder and was giving Bat a stroke every now and then.

‘So, we figure that they definitely must have gotten inside the school during the fire alarm, or surely one of us would have smelled them.’ Jessica said.

‘I would think so. Who set off the alarm though?’ Matt asked.

‘It must’ve been someone already inside. Would there be any student that’s a relative or friend of a hunter?’ Claire asked.

‘There’s no relation to any student at all, I always thoroughly check through every student’s background when they start.’ Chris hummed.

‘And there wasn’t anyone strange there, or again, Chris certainly would’ve smelled them, right?’ David chimed in.

‘There was a stranger there.’ Hannibal commented. ‘And there still is.’ He then narrowed his eyes at Toshi.

Toshi had been looking at Bat, though was listening of course. Her eyes snapped up and she frowned. ‘What? Are you saying I did this?’ She hissed at him.

‘I’m saying, you’re the only one we don’t truly know. You’re a hunter, what if you’re playing both teams?’ Hannibal growled.

‘How dare you even insinuate that Toshi would do such a thing.’ Severus snarled and stood abruptly, he made a move towards Hannibal but David jumped up between them.

Hannibal smirked a little and shrugged. ‘I’m just saying. You might know her, but we don’t. She’s a hunter, could still be in talks with them. She’s the only suspect we have right now.’

Severus and Toshi were about to respond but Chris jumped up this time. ‘Enough, Hannibal.’ He barked at him. ‘Toshi is not against us. She has put her life on the line for us vampires numerous times, helping to save the school and everyone in it, when she doesn’t even have to. If anything, Toshi is the only one we can really trust without question.’

Hannibal glared at Chris but backed down. Severus reluctantly sat down again. Toshi knew that if Bat hadn’t been on her lap, she would’ve had a knife at Hannibal’s throat by now.

Chris knew that too, so he was glad that Bat was effectively keeping her pinned to the sofa so there wasn’t a blood shed in Loki’s living room.

‘Are you saying the rest of us are suspicious, then?’ Hannibal asked when Chris sat back down.

‘No. It wouldn’t make sense for vampires to go against their own kind. Though there was obviously someone inside the school that set off the alarm. I doubt we will ever know for sure, but I am going to get cameras installed in the school for the start of next term.’ Chris said firmly.

‘Good idea. At least then we will have footage and can keep a closer eye on everything.’ Loki hummed.

‘There will be cameras going in every room, so no more getting your kicks in class, lil' bro.’ Chris teased with a smirk.

Loki’s eyes widened and Claire’s cheeks turned a bit pink.

‘Or quickies in the cleaning supplies cupboard.’ Chris said as he looked over at Jessica and Spencer, who blushed and looked sheepish.

Matt nearly choked on his drink.

‘What is with you dirty, dirty teachers?’ Toshi laughed.

‘I bet you’d do the same if you worked at the school, you can’t possibly tell me that given the chance you and Severus wouldn’t be getting it on somewhere.’ Loki narrowed his eyes at them with a grin.

Toshi looked at Severus, who kept a straight face but shrugged. ‘I won’t lie... So I’m not going to say anything.’ He drawled.

Toshi giggled and looked back down at Bat, who was still purring happily.

‘I guess that means we need to send letters home to all students though, about the recordings?’ David asked.

‘It does.’ Chris nodded.

‘Sounds like a whole lot of paper work.’ Claire sighed.

‘I’ll sort it. I just need everyone safe.’ Chris said determinedly.

He felt Louise shuffle next to him as she tried to get in closer to him than she already was, he gave her side a squeeze. She was quiet, she was rather shy being around them all in this sort of setting. Though she felt safe, she knew she was.

Toshi then spoke up. ‘Severus and I were talking, perhaps you two should teach Claire and Louise a little self-defence? Just in-case?’ She said as she looked at Chris and Loki.

The guys both looked surprised, eyes widening.

‘Really? Do you think we need it?’ Claire asked, feeling a little more excited at the thought than she probably should, and Loki sensed that.

‘No, we can protect you both.’ Loki said, trying to dismiss the idea.

‘I know you are both capable of that, we all will look out for them of course. It just might help.’ Toshi continued.

Chris narrowed his eyes at Toshi. He wasn’t overly keen on the idea either like Loki, though he knew where Toshi was coming from.

‘It might not be a totally bad idea…’ Chris sighed.

‘You really think we might be in danger like that?’ Louise asked nervously.

‘Well… I’d hope not. Though I guess being around us, it does bring a little danger, yes.’ Chris said softly, not wanting to outright say that the hunters had essentially threatened her, but he didn’t want to completely lie to her either.

‘I understand if this is all too much for you.’ He said quietly.

‘No, it’s ok. This is nothing compared to… before.’ She smiled at him.

Chris squeezed her side again and reached over with his other hand to brush his thumb down her cheek.

Toshi noticed the interaction between the two, how soft Chris was for her. She was shocked though at what Chris then asked of her.

‘Would you teach Claire and Louise some moves?’ He asked Toshi.

Toshi’s eyebrows shot up, so did Loki’s.

‘Me?’

Chris nodded. ‘Loki and I know how to fight, but only in a vampire way. Plus, we just go in hard. You’re a woman, you’d be better with knowing what they’d be capable of. Plus, you're a human too. We don't need to worry about taking hits in the way that you do, you are more agile than us.’

‘Seriously?’ Loki asked Chris, shocked.

‘Completely serious.’ He nodded.

‘Well, if you want me to, I’d be happy to do so.’ Toshi said and she looked at Claire and Louise.

Louise nodded eagerly. ‘I’m keen.’

Claire looked at Loki, who shrugged. So she nodded eagerly as well. ‘I’m down for it.’

‘You’re far too excited at the thought of learning to fight.’ Loki growled and poked Claire in her side, making her giggle.

‘It’ll be fun! So bad-ass.’

Loki face-palmed at that. Though he knew if Chris trusted Toshi with Louise, then he knew that he could trust her with Claire, too.

‘Can I join? Just for the fun?’ Jessica asked with a grin.

‘Sure, why not.’ Toshi nodded.

‘Well, I’d say we really can trust Toshi. If Chris is letting her teach his girl, plus he hasn’t killed her for calling him a hound dog.’ David teased.

‘Oh yes, about that.’ Chris snarled and glared at Toshi.

Toshi burst out laughing. ‘I can’t believe you actually reacted instantly to that, too.’

‘I did not!’ Chris said quickly.

‘You so did.’ Loki chuckled.

‘Yep, I heard it too. Your head whipped round so fast I’m surprised you didn’t get whiplash.’ Spencer laughed.

Chris just huffed and grumbled.

Louise giggled at his side, so he turned and buried his face into her hair. Even if her scent drove him insane with lust and hunger, he found her scent also calmed him at the same time.

‘Well, I guess there’s not much more to discuss right now… Everyone, try and enjoy the holidays. Let’s see what happens over the next few weeks.’ Loki sighed.

Everyone mumbled in agreement. Of course they were all a little on edge and would be for a while, but they’d managed to take the hunters all out, so they knew they would handle it like they always did.

[artssslut2]

Not What He’s Made For

Summary: while art is away for a match you and Patrick have a heart to heart as he takes care of you.

Part 3 of Something’s missing or standalone

I Told you it would happen (previous)

Patrick Zweig x Art Donaldson x reader

It had been a few weeks since you found out you were pregnant. Things weren’t going as good as you’d hoped but they also weren’t as bad as they could be. You were sick every morning but it usually got better as the day went on, however you were always so exhausted you mainly just laid him bed and slept all day. Art had to force himself to leave for training every morning, he absolutely hated leaving you when you were sick. Art was always there when you needed him, holding back your hair, making you soup, bringing you anything you needed or wanted. He was able to come home early some days and he was always close by because the courts were close to your guys house. However art had a match coming up that was a few hours away from where you lived. He really didn’t want to go, he knew he had to or he would fall in the rankings fast.

“I’ll be fine Art I promise” you assured him facing him in bed the night before he left. He stroked your hair,

“You say the word and I will skip it” he told you meaningfully

“Your going, end of story. It’s only for one night you will be back in 48 hours”

“I know that, but I want to be here for you, I feel like I’m already being a bad dad” he mumbled looking away from you. You felt your heart break as he told you, he was the farthest things from a bad father or husband.

“Art you’ve done everything for me for a month, you are not being a bad dad at all. You have to do this it’s work, and when I feel better I will start coming with you again so we don’t have to be apart. I know your gonna be the best dad baby.” You wrapped your hand around his neck playing with his hair. He looked at you, you could tell he was still upset,

“Still I can’t stop worrying that I’m gonna disappoint you and the baby. I’m gonna have to travel and miss things and I don’t want that.” He told you his voice cracking a little

“Your not disappointing anyone. Do you know how proud you make me when I watch you play? A-and we talked about this for years, we can all travel with you, our baby is gonna get to see so many places and watch his dad kick everyone’s ass on the court. We can even homeschool him if your still playing when he has to start school. We are all in this together okay?” You promised him touching your forehead to his. He smiled kissing your nose.

“I love you a lot you know, I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

“Yeah I’m pretty amazing aren’t I?” You chuckled as did he, Art pulled you in for a kiss. You felt him pull away slowly and look at you

“He?” He asked tilting his head, even though you didn’t know the genre yet you had a hunch,

“Just a hunch.” You smiled “why do you not agree?” You asked

“It’s definitely a girl” Your husband disagreed smiling, placing a hand on your stomach. Your heart swelled thinking about Art with your baby, you both slept peacefully through the whole night. Arts hand was always on your belly even when he was sleeping. There wasn’t even a bump yet but he always needed to be holding it. His love language is definitely physical touch even more so now.

Art left at four in the morning trying not to wake you up but he did, he made sure to ask one more time if he should stay. You couldn’t fall back asleep so you watched tv until around eight am when the door opened. You shot up into a sitting position as a wave of fear ran through your body. Who was in your house this early? With a key?

“Y/n?” You here a similar voice call out, you relaxed hearing Patrick’s voice. He barged into your bedroom like it was his

“Patrick what are you doing here? Don’t you have training?” You questioned

“It’s Saturday! You really think art would let you stay here alone?” You chucked to yourself. He said starting to open the brown paper bag revealing your favorite food,

“Here I brought you y/f/f” he handed you a box, one whiff of what used to be your favorite food was now making you gag, you ran into the bathroom barely making it, Patrick followed equally confused and worried. You started throwing up into the toilet Patrick rushed and tried to grab your hair he only grabbed a chunk. This made you miss Art he had it down to a science, he knew exactly what to do, how to pull your hair back and run your back. All the sudden a huge wave of emotions comes over you and you start to violently sob into the toilet bowl.

“What? What?! What’s happening y/n?!” Patrick yelled over your sobs, this whole situation extreamly chaotic.

“I-I miss Art” you sobbed almost comically Patrick had no idea what to do

“Uh uh well I can call him?” He stuttered panicking

“No! You can’t call Art! He has to focus on his match! A- and I can’t I-“ you cut yourself off with your own crying

“Um- mabye” Patrick wasn’t used to dealing with women in this state he was in way above his head. He hesitated sitting by you gently pulling you into him. You melted into him sobbing into his chest definitely getting snot all over his shirt. This was the first time hormones had really hit you. Patrick just sat with you until you cried yourself to sleep then he carried you to bed and sat on the floor in your room making sure you were okay.

When you woke up it was night, you had slept all day. This pregnancy was starting to make you feel crazy. The morning was a blur, you rubbed your eyes seeing Patrick in the corner of your room on the floor

“Pat? Have your been here the whole time?” You asked still groggy,

“Yeah” he nodded, “Art wanted me to give him half an hour updates. And I wanted to make sure you were okay, I’ve never seen you… or anyone cry like that before” he said walking on eggshells, you half heartedly laughed wondering if your mood swings would get worse.

“What do you want for dinner? We could order a pizza?” Patrick suggested standing up from the floor, the thought of greasy pizza making you feel sick, you swallowed

“Can we talk about something else?” You said through gritted teeth, Patrick got the message

“Yeah, sure. Uhm…” Patrick definitely felt uncomfortable, he didn’t know what to say he felt like you were dying or something. You and Patrick were very close like brother and sister. You had never seen him so cautious?

“Tell me about you and y/f/n” you smirked and watched Patrick turn a little red

“Oh cmon y\N” Patrick whined sitting on the bed with you clearly embarrassed

“Please you’ve said like three things about her and I know you guys have been seeing each other a lot lately” you begged Patrick shook his head, “ do you want me to cry again?” You asked him with puppy dog eyes,

“Fineeee, what do you want to know?” You clapped sitting up

“Is it serious?” You asked, Patrick never saw the same girl more than a week or two and it’s been a almost two months.

“Uh I mean I don’t know” he said rubbing his neck,

“What? How can you not know?”

“I’ve never been in something like this, I really like her it’s not just sex. I like spending time with her like I really like it” he blushed still embarrassed,

“So it’s serious? Do you love her?” You asked looking at him. His expression softened, he had a light smile growing on his face he didn’t say anything.

“You love her!” You beamed grabbing his arm “your in love!”

“Wait now I don’t know y/n” he tried reasoning with you

“You do know. You love her” you smiled, Patrick looked concerned

“What if I’m not good for this?” He asked changing the tone of the conversation. “All this, being with someone like this I just don’t think it’s what I’m good for” you waited a minute thinking about what he was saying

“Well do you want to be good for it?” You asked

“ yeah. Yes I do. Someday at least” he hesitated looking back at you. “But you and art make it look so easy” he admitted, you smiled to yourself

“It’s not though, a relationship isn’t ever easy you just have to find a person you don’t mind doing the hard parts with. Art and I have bad days too but we love each other enough to move past them. Can you do that with her?” You asked

“I really think I could. I-I do love her. I just want to be good at all the boyfriend stuff you know”

“Patrick come on, you held my hair back when I barfed carried me to bed and watched me sleep to make sure I was okay. And I’m not even the girl your in love with.” You chuckled and so did he

“Mabye your right” He said thinking out loud

“Of course I’m right Pat” you laughed, just then you heard the door open then saw a tired Art walk into the bedroom

“What are you doing here?!” You smiled opening your arms for him, he came over to you falling into them half laying on top of you.

“You weren’t supposed to be home until tomorrow morning” you asked still surprised

“I changed my flight I didn’t want to leave you any longer than I had too” he said clearly ready to pass out, You held him tight realizing you slept though his match

“How did the match go, I must have missed it I’m sorry”

“He played great” Patrick chimes in, you smiled into Arts hair kissing his head you felt him smile into your shoulder. Patrick yawned

“It’s late I’m staying in the guest room” he said tiredly walking out the door, the guest room only had an air mattress in it at the moment, you planned to make it a nursery

“Hey don’t get to comfortable, we have someone moving in there soon” Art yelled to Patrick, then looked up at you

“Missed you” he smiled “you too” he said leaning down kissing your stomach you smiled playing with his hair. He updated the baby on how his match was and apologized for having to leave. Then he fell asleep in his clothes and neither of you moved the rest of the night.

[issasama]

Slight SH mention

Hiya, I wanted to see if I could request a fem reader with sanemi. Reader has a sister with scars all over her arms and thighs who kinda acts like sanemi, and reader tells sanemi that his personality and scars don't bother her because she's used to it. Sorta "you're beauty never really scared me" vibes. If you don't want to no worries, please and thank you.

ahh no worries sweetheart, I’d love to write something like this, especially since it’s Sanemi & it’s such a creative idea !! xoxo - author 🦇🩷

Summary: fem’reader is with Sanemi and sometimes she catches him apologizing for his demeanor but reader reassures him it’s alright because she knows what it’s like seeing as she has an older sibling who acts just the same.

Notes: SELF-HARM WARNING ⚠️ & sfw (safe for work)

You were currently at the butterfly estate, taking some space in one of Shinobu’s rooms you decided to work on a map of different areas to patrol around nearby villages. The door was open just wide enough for you to see the blue grayish clouds that filled the sky and soft rain fill into the garden. It was peaceful and you were humming a little tune to yourself while you worked away and of course with a little help.

You were sitting on your knees atop a cushion and right below you was your sleepyheaded boyfriend Sanemi. His head was resting on your lap and he, from what it appeared, was asleep. You stopped what you were doing and looked at him, seeing how at peace he looked you smiled and gently ran your fingers through his hair. “Need something?” he asks, from his voice he didn’t sound like he was sleeping, just keeping his eyes closed and resting a bit. “Mnm, just admiring.” Despite his eyes still being closed he could hear the slight smile behind your words. Something hit him, like it tugged on a heart string.. somewhere in the back of his mind he feels like he doesn’t deserve you. You’re such a sweetheart, loved by many and your aura shines in a way that even butterflies are drawn to it. It makes him think if he’s really deserving to be your partner. Why put up with him? How could you handle him? And at that how could you love a man who looks like him? His body full of scars, from his nose down to his legs, and to him it never mattered at first but what if it does to you?

“Nemi’, what’s wrong?” He was so lost in thought he didn’t realize you had been talking to him the whole time. He opened his eyes and was ready to speak until he saw the small frown on your face, he felt even worse now, it feels like he’s doomed to just bring you down or hurt you. “I’m sorry. I never realized how much I dragged you down in our relationship.” He wasn’t looking at you anymore, how could he look you in the eyes? “Sanemi where is this coming from-“ “I feel like I’m not good enough for you.” “For me??” “Yes. I love you for you and because of that I never thought that there could be a possibility you don’t feel the same way. As a Hashira I feel like I know myself and I’m secure in me but as your boyfriend, I wonder what you think of me.” “Sanemi-“ “I know I don’t always say it but you’re perfect y/n. Your aura, your personality, and even just you in general. You’re gorgeous and there’s no way you don’t know that but then I think about how I look standing next to you. These scars.. you don’t think I look weird with them? Maybe even ugly.. I’m not one to doubt my looks but sometimes when I look at you I just ask myself, what made you pick me?”

It was quiet for a moment, he didn’t look at you until he realized the silence and your face made his heart sink. You weren’t crying but you looked so devastated. Shit. Did he make it worse?

“Im sorry I didn’t-“ “I haven’t told anyone else, especially because she’s not happy seeing where I am now, but I have an older sister who is exactly like you.” Sanemi’s eyes widened a little bit in surprise, you have a sister?? “She was a Hashira and retired, but like you she had Marechi blood so she would also cut herself in battles. She would come home with new scars in new places and I couldn’t help but want to take care of her. Instead she would push me aside and use them as a reminder to not go out at night or fight those ‘things’ (demons).” You looked up a bit, now no longer looking at Sanemi as you began to reminisce about those days. “Every morning it was the same routine, scars, pushed aside, and reminded. At first it hurt because I felt so useless but then I realized she was just scared. She didn’t want me to end up like her so she tried to scare me into staying away from the path she took. It didn’t work seeing as I’m a Hashira today. Her and I still haven’t spoken since I announced it to her.” You looked down at Sanemi and noticed he had a small frown on his face. “I love you because I know your heart is pure, but out of fear for others you push them because you don’t want to lose them. Just like my sister. I’ve never found your scars ugly because I know that the cause behind them comes from you caring, protecting people, and just like my sister I accepted them. Not once have I thought they where ugly.” You began running your fingers through his hair again and smiled. “Sanemi, I fell in love with you because your heart showed me who you really are. I know how to love you because I loved someone who was just like you and that will never change. I haven’t stopped loving my sister and I won’t stop loving you. Your scars and your personality are just a bonus for me and I’ll remind you every day by kissing each and every one. So, Mr. Shinazugawa, does that answer your question?”

Sanemi closed his eyes again. His heart was pounding in his chest, he’s never felt so loved and heard until he met you. Somehow you reached a part of him he didn’t even know existed. You kept pulling on his heart strings and he didn’t know how much of it he could take.

“Yes” he calmly said and you smiled in response, going back to humming the song from before and working on the map.

I wonder how long he should wait before finally being able to show you the gift he got you…so you could finally be Mrs. Shinazugawa.

(I know it took a bit ! Sorry luv, I kept editing it but I hope you like it<3)

[dan-whoell]

When BIG dropped I was sitting in the passenger seat of my mother’s car. We were waiting for a red light to change. The youtube notification pinged and my I got goosebumps.

In all honesty I thought it was... not a joke exactly, but I thought for sure it was clickbait, that there was some kind of spin. I didn't believe it was actually happening. I went to twitter and saw some of the responses and I thought... I don't know what I thought. Everyone was (obviously) taking him very seriously and yet I still didn't believe it was actually happening. For some reason I just assumed it was being blown out of proportion. Still I was cautiously optimistic, thinking ok, maybe it’s real, but I never imagined Dan would explicitly come out the way that he did. 

An hour or two later I got home and watched it in my bedroom, alone, and cried. It was real. He was putting himself out there in a way that he could not walk back. I was so fucking proud of him. But more than that, I felt seen. Understood. The fear and the shame he talked about was so real to me. Specifically I remember that was a lot of stress about nothing and I didn’t think they’d reject me these days, but coming out is still a surprise and to anyone that isn’t out, it’s okay.

I was 23 and closeted to my immediate family and only just beginning to really accept my own gender crisis. I had so much fear about actually voicing my queerness to anyone in my family. I was out as a lesbian at work and had one friend that I even remotely said anything to about gender (which was mostly me shrugging and saying it was something I thought about, but not a whole lot.) But none of it was authentically me. I wasn’t living my truth, you know? I didn’t even know my truth because I didn’t do a lot of the work to figure myself out. I’ve always thought that I would never fully live my life until my family was gone, so I didn’t see the point in doing much exploring.

And then I saw this incredible person that I’d watched and looked up to for years had a courage that I didn't think I’d ever have. He gave words to the anxiety inside of me. I cried and I didn’t have anyone to hug but myself. 

I’m 28 now and I’m still not out to my family. It’s still scary to me. But I’ve looked inside myself a lot, and I’ve accepted the truth about who I am. I am queer. I am trans. That doesn’t change no matter who I do or do not tell. And I only have courage to accept myself because of Dan, and Phil, and entire community of people who are unapologetically themselves. 

Five years ago BIG gave me the courage to be honest with myself, and I will forever be grateful for that.

[ghostickle]

Wandered target for a bit waiting to go for my blood tests and found a tech deck ramp set at 70% clearance and got it for only $4 im so excited