#and every day i’m alive is another day i just wish i was born someone else

[avatarkv]

EVERY CORNER OF THIS HOUSE IS HAUNTED. (1)

Synopsis ! Jake had taken you as his own after Tsu'tey's passing, leaving no one to care for you. Things had been good before your relationship with him had blurred along growing of age. You and him fought all the time; argued each other's ear off and tonight was no different-- except words have been said, severing the already damaged bond. Content & warning Jake sully x Daughter!Reader, Sully kids x Sister!Reader Neytiri x Daughter!Reader. (wc; 3104)

Jake knew a saying; held onto it ever since he had resided amongst Na’vi– every person is born twice. While he believed that it meant that the second time is when you earn your place here in Pandora, Eywa had a clever way of broadening the idea. His very children were proof of it.

He thinks it’s the great mother’s way of compensation, perhaps a second chance for him to do better– to do his very best to keep them alive on behalf of those he lost. 

While Kiri was a special case enough, you too were an odd one. 

You are Tsu’tey's daughter. Turns out, he had someone in secret while he trained to become olo’eyktan– when he was supposed to take Neytiri for himself. It was taboo– absolutely wrong to become unfaithful to one’s mate. But following the carnage of the great war, when Tsu’tey had so selflessly sacrificed his life, only then did Tsi’ewa came forward; told everyone of their love and what could have been. She was a simple songstress along Ninat, but it was her round and bulging belly that caught everyone’s attention.

It caused an uproar and understandably so. After all, Neytiri had only announced her rebellion with Jake not long before, but when the people connected the dots themselves and both stories had become one, they understood that their hearts merely yearned for another and no one should have ever dictated otherwise. Arrangements had been made and condolences were exchanged— everyone can only look back and wish that things could have been different.

Jake was supposed to take you under his wing as a way of honoring him– he owed Tsu’tey his life and perhaps an apology as big as so. But after your mother had unfortunately died during your birth, he knew to himself that he had to take you in; not as a responsibility, but as his own blood and flesh. His first daughter.

You were the loudest baby, he recalled. That day, Jake had rocked your body back and forth in his arms frantically, while Mo’at and Neytiri did everything within their power to help Tsì'ewa. Your cries were ear-splitting, enough to wake the whole clan up. 

“Just what do I do with you,” He muttered under his breath, eyebrows knitted in frustration– just where do he hold you? Is he doing it right? Are you hurt? Why are you crying so loud?

“Jake, the baby!” Neytiri’s shout from inside had cut his train of loud thoughts, snapping back to your bawling. He wasn’t doing such a good job. 

“I’m trying, Neytiri– this thing won’t budge.”

Neytiri had emerged from the hut, stomping her way to Jake with a scowl. "That is not a thing, you skxawng!" she exclaimed before gently scooping you up from his arms, cooing softly to you– though it was more like mocking him instead. “Does Jake here make you cry?” She said, patting your thigh soothingly. “He’s not at all pleasant to look at, but you have to get used to it.” 

Almost in an instant, your cries had died down. You babbled along with her, like you were agreeing with her every word. He slowly pulled himself closer to Neytiri, eyes wide with curiosity as he watched your small hands playing with her long braids. “Heh, she has Tsu’tey’s eyes,” He whispers, unable to look away. 

The flap of the hut swinging open was the only thing that got their attention, momentarily away from yours as they looked at Mo’at with anticipation. With a single shake of her head, sorrow surged their hearts, eyes traveling back to your innocent ones. They mourned for you; an unknowing child should never have to carry such grief. They had to make a choice– A responsibility they weren’t expecting to have so early. 

Jake mindlessly trails his finger down your stomach, gently, like you were the most fragile thing. Your little hand wraps around it and it was like you had binded his scattered thoughts into one big understanding. 

Sully. You’re one of them now.

Jake releases a breathless chuckle as he gazes upon his lover and you with a newfound clarity, a perspective so bright it illuminated in his very eyes. Then came an idea– the desire of having children of their own. Perhaps that’s why Neteyam came after only two years. You were quite the ploy; the push they needed to start a family.

You were truly blessed– the genius of your age was undeniable, your remarkable talent soon earning you the admiration of all who had seen it. By the time you turned six, you had already mastered many of the abilities that a hunter would need– your skills with a bow were unrivaled by most of the children your age, let alone those who were much older than you. They'd marvel at your accuracy each time you took aim with an arrow. You could never miss. You had to make sure you didn’t. 

By the age of 12, you had already accompanied Jake in hunts. You had developed a knack for planning, coming up with routes and back-up plans that were often surprisingly effective. You have proved to be helpful plenty of times. You were quick, silent– full of poise. They often wondered if you were an old, seasoned soul trapped inside a little girl’s body. 

But as quickly as the spotlight had shone down on you, it left almost as soon as it had come.

(“What you did today was reckless, y/n.” Jake settles his bow on the table aggressively, emitting a sharp thud. You were just as frustrated, throwing your satchel down the floor of the hut. 

The mission had gone rather wildly, with things not going along the plan. There was another airship– one that no one was aware of. Your instincts jolted your body, immediately throwing an explosive towards it which had it blowing all over the place– its pieces crashing and causing a wildfire. 

Jake argued that there could’ve been a more safer way. One that didn’t have to risk more of our resources and supplies; one that didn’t have to injure the other warriors. Of course you knew to yourself that you did the right thing. You did what you had to do. 

 ‘You could’ve been hurt and got others killed! Just what were you thinking?” He continued to berate you. You jest that if this went on, there’d be steam visible above his already heated head. 

“I had to take a risk– not everything goes to plan and this is proof of it.” You answered back with a scowl, “If I hadn't, there would’ve been more casualties.” 

“That’s not a call for you to answer to! Jesus Christ,” Jake runs his palms down his face, grunting, before looking back at you– expression suddenly tired and soft. “Come on kid, where’s that sweetheart who always listened to what I said?” 

You had scoffed, a hurt forming on the pits of your stomach. “That sweetheart once had a place in plans before.” You said, eyes unwilling to look at him. It weighed in your heart heavily– why did people assume that you were the only one who changed? You didn’t understand. “Pretty sure the Jake before was a good listener too.” 

The wrinkle in between his eyebrows deepened in confusion, but he never was one for confrontation. With a single dismissive grunt, he turns his back against you. “I’m way past your attitude. You’re grounded. Go.”)

As you grew, the resemblance to your father became ever more apparent. Jake started noticing the many similarities between the two of you; the way you walked– how you sauntered confidently through a crowd. Your braids would move along your heavy steps (and perhaps, that’s where Neteyam got his mannerism of swaying his too.), shoulders wide and proud. You even had his signature snarl, something Tsu’tey was known for that unfortunately seemed to have been passed down to you too. 

However, it was more than how you brought yourself. You were strong-willed– stubborn. 

There was another thing about you too. You didn’t call Jake dad anymore. It hurt him– left a heavy feeling on his chest every time you regarded him so distant. It was unfair that you still called Neytiri mom, why did it have to change with him? He didn’t have the heart to address it. Couldn’t ask you what went wrong. 

Because he knows damn well why. 

Lo’ak was enough of a headache, but you were a different kind of royal pain in the ass, more like a personal problem. It was tiresome. Petty. There was not a day that you and Jake wouldn’t argue and bite each other’s ass off– and yet, there was never a day where you two would talk it out. The fights would blur itselves out and before they knew it, things would be back to normal, only for it to fall out again over something small. It was routine. The only thing normal for you both. 

He missed you– missed his baby. Just when did you grow to become so distant? When did he start to overlook you?

You’ll admit, you might have indulged in the folk’s gossip. They always had a story for everything and they have plenty about your father. Tsu’tey was a fit olo’eyktan. He had proved so in his training and determination. Of course it was a low punch in the gut when the throne had been passed to an outsider– a demon, most of all. It was unfair, he knew it wasn’t right. A washed up marine had taken something he had worked for like it was nothing. Like he was nothing. 

You pitied your father and you feared you’d be like him– like nothing. 

And history might just repeat itself. You weren’t clueless– wasn’t blind to the fact that Jake had trained your brother more. He adored him so much that the very moment he was in the right age to train, you were off to fend for yourself; trained all alone while Jake went over the routine with Neteyam like he did with you. You remembered waiting for him every afternoon because he promised that he’d make time– that time was yours and yours only. But as the light bled and neared eclipse and you were too cold to wait outside, you learned never to wait again. 

They would come home soon after– smiles on their faces and a handful of apologies for you. 

Soon enough, your suspicions proved you right as the people started to talk again; Neteyam– the golden child. He would make a good olo’eyktan. 

Perhaps that would explain the drift between you and Neteyam too. Could they blame you for it? You had lost their attention so early– while you still needed them. You weren’t their kid and you were reminded of it everyday. In times when you didn’t know if you had space in the family hammock while they sat together, telling stories under the starry sky. You pretended to have fallen asleep everytime; back against them as you listened. In times where the family was growing and growing, until the small table wasn’t big enough for everyone anymore– or in this case, for you. 

(“Come on, ma’ite, what are you doing so far from here?” Neytiri had called for you when she noticed how distant you were from everyone. You silently scooted beside her, wooden bowl in your lap. “Look, I prepared your favorite.” 

It wasn’t. You hated it. You hated the tangy taste of it so badly. But you had decided to eat what was left on the table after everyone had gotten their meals and there wasn’t usually enough for you. Neytiri thought nothing of that– didn’t think that you eating only scraps and dried fruit was because there wasn’t anything else for you to have. She simply thought that it was your favorite and had been making it for you ever since.

You didn’t have the heart to tell her. Not when she thought she had been doing well with preparing it. You kissed your teeth, smiling tightly as you lifted the food to your lips, eating silently. “Thank you, it’s good.” You muttered under your breath after.) 

But you were family; they said so themselves. When they tucked you in to sleep, when they patted your head. They were still present now, just not in the way you wanted– not in the way you longed for. It seemed like making them angry was the only way you could have their attention– particularly, your dad. You could never make Neytiri mad. She tries to understand you, she does. Explaining now just seems so.. Petty. So childish, you decided to push her away instead. 

What do you tell her? That you only let dad blow a fuse or two was because you missed him? Because you didn’t know what went wrong? 

So there goes your routine. 

“I just don’t understand why I can’t be olo’eykte.” You had brought up again, lips in a familiar snarl. “You tire me and for what? Kiri is already training to be Tsahik– just what would my place in this clan be?” 

“We are not having this conversation again, y/n. Not tonight.”

Jake had just returned from a particularly bad hunt; went home empty-handed and with a patience as thin as a strand of hair. He continued to sharpen his dagger, movements almost aggressive. Everyone immediately went out of his way, not wanting to be on the end of his temper– not you though. You could never get a hint, it seems.

“Yes, tonight! My ceremony is almost near, sir. I have been waiting.”

It wasn’t like he had a reason anyway. Jake couldn’t tell you because he had no reason as to why. Why couldn’t you be olo’eykte? You had all the skills to be one, even more so. But in the back of his mind, a thought so deep and petty that he couldn’t bear to say, tells him that the name he carried was something to gift his eldest son. Olo’eyktan was a privilege reserved for Neteyam. He never thought to have you so early– he always dreamed of having a son first. 

“Wait more.” 

“This is insane– sa’nok!” You had turned to Neytiri, eyes pleading. She quickly grasps your arm and tries to tug you back towards the exit, speaking in a soft but firm voice as she tries to soothe the tension.

“Ma’ite, why don’t we go out for a walk?” She whispers. To be frank, she was tired of this– never of you, no. But at the way things had been. Parents aren’t parents automatically just because they have had children of their own. It’s a skill they have yet to muster– to truly understand. She didn’t know where the line between you and her had blurry along the years. Didn’t know where this constant need of yours to be seen came from. 

You jerked your arm away from her, almost too harshly. It tugged on her heartstrings, not knowing what was going on with you. “I cannot wait anymore.” You said, taking two steps towards Jake with an unreadable anger– an anger he didn’t know when had stemmed from. 

“Is it because I’m not your daughter?” 

His eyes widened. A flash of vulnerability visible in his gaze, momentarily softening his glare. “You stop this right now, y/n.” He had stood up, tucking the dagger back to his loincloth. Jake’s larger frame towered over you, telling you to drop it– to leave the conversation. But you weren’t backing down. 

“I am your eldest–! You trained me earlier than Neteyam, I have been here long enough–”

“You aren’t ready!” He had shouted with the same fierceness, earning a dirty look from Neytiri.

“Why won’t you see me?” Your voice had softened, borderline begging– just a bit, but enough for his ears to flatten in response. He knew that beneath those few simple words lay many layers of underlying meaning; emotions that have yet to be spoken. 

But he turns his back against you dismissively anyway. “Neytiri, get her out of here.” 

Neytiri grabs you by the arms again, although a bit forceful now, but just enough for her to touch you– to have you in between her arms. She embraced you, like she was trying to keep the words from escalating. She feared one of you would say something out of line; something you both would regret. 

But on the brink of the tension– the severity of the situation, you had muttered. Your voice was muffled, but it was clear. The message was oh so crystal. “You took everything from my father.” 

Jake grunts, “Yeah? Well maybe your father wasn’t enough either.” 

“Jake!” Neytiri hisses and although Jake couldn’t see her, he knew very well he was getting quite the conversation with his mate too. 

It was a low blow. Unnecessary. A straight strike to the gut. It was a pain so bitter, you didn’t want it to linger any longer– you were nauseous. You wanted no more than to vomit everything that spiraled out of your stomach. 

“You want to lead so badly and you can’t even control your temper. No clan wants a hot-head for a leader.” But he kept going– relentless and cruel. “You ought to be someone else’s shadow.” 

“But I’m your daughter,” Your tone had softened, almost cracking as the lump in your throat grew. Tears blurred your vision, threatening to escape as Neytiri held you close. 

“And yet you never listen to me— because I’m not exactly your father, yeah?” With one last glance, he stepped out, passing his children who stayed just outside the door, listening. Jake opens his mouth, desperate to ease the tension– the discomfort written in their faces, but he quickly shuts it and continues to walks out. He had said enough for tonight. There was nothing saving his face from this. It was best if he left instead. 

“Oh, ma’ite.” Neytiri rocks her body along yours, drawing soothing circles on your back but the embarrassment settles in your chest– gnawing at your body. You catch a glance of the pitiful looks from your siblings as they try to enter the hut silently. 

How could you make a mess out of yourself in front of them? Why had you let this blown over?

You retracted slowly from your mother’s hold, wiping your tears before running the opposite way from where Jake had gone to. It was better if you left instead.

mauve here! finally done writing this after racking my head for weeks. wanted it to be relatable (??) as much as possible, idk why. there is just something therapeutic w writing about your past issues <3 but i hope this one's alright!!! really excited to finally post this heheh

lots of kisses!

[teruthecreator]

sometimes i just wish so badly that my mom didn’t raise me bc i think if she didn’t then i wouldn’t hate myself as much as i do now

[nattspencer]

Awakening

Lady Lesso X Reader

Summary: Always competing with Lesso for the first of the class, the red head finally demands to have the Reader’s mother diary.

A/N: English is not my first language, I’m really sorry for any mistakes. This took me forever to write and to be honest I didn’t quite like the result, i’m really sorry for whoever requested this story but beilieve me, that was the best I could pull off, also, sorry for taking it so long. As always, I’ll still be trying my best to write great stories, so if you have any ideas and want to send me a request, I might take long, but I’ll try my best!

Warnings: bad language, mentios of smut, betrayal, angst, fluffy parts, no happy ending

Word count: 3.6k

The GIF is not mine.

          Some days you wish just not to have been born at all. Being the daughter of someone so well known, feared and respected like your mother meant that there was always a huge amount of pressure on top of you, even when you were just a kid, for you to be the best of the new generation, to achieve what your mother couldn’t, to bring evil to its golden age, or better, to its darkest age, to do what no one else could and bring glory to your family. And seriously? You couldn’t hate more all of this bullshit.

          Not that you didn’t want to be great, powerful or evil, no, the sight of people being tortured, terrified and broken was just too amusing to resist, the screams were your lullaby, you definitely wanted all of that, however, all of the pressure about it on top of your own perfectionism absolutely drives you crazy. One thing was wanting to be great, another completely different thing was to be demanded to be great, otherwise you would bring disgrace to the name of your mother, foreshadow all of what she accomplished and bury her legacy into forgetfulness.

          The days where the pressure became too hard to bear by yourself were the days you missed your home the most. Diablo of course always put that states for your raising and education way up high in the stratosphere, always urging to unleash the very bad parts of you, just as your mother would wish if she were alive, nevertheless, he was also your rock, your safe place to crumble, to put yourself back together again, and safety was definitely the hardest thing to have when you were a Never. Trust no one, that was the ultimate rule.

          Surrounded by people yet always lonely, that was the fate assigned for you. Don’t get me wrong, you had your fair pair of friends that actually seemed very loyal to you, however none of them scored as high as you on the tests, and you knew better than trusting blindly on people, that was an Ever’s thing to do. Deep down you worried that they were only your friend because you had been given your mother’s diary, which among other things, contained tips and tests questions about every single subject in the school. 

          All this worry and caution nonetheless, were unconsciously thrown up in the air when the subject was a silly smart devious reader that had been battling with you for the number one position in your classes. Leonora of woods beyond, now Lady Lesso, was the furthest and the closest thing of a true friend you had. Furthest because you were always fighting, teasing and deriding each other, she was absolutely infuriating and would do everything in her power to outrival you. Closest because she was the only one that actually understood you, your only company to your cold sleepless studying nights, and something within you just… liked her.

          Something also tells you that she might not despise you as much as she tries to portray. It wasn’t rare to find yourself waking up in the library with an unknown warm blanket resting carefully upon your shoulders, the scent of ginger tea and petrichor intoxicating your senses, lulling you into a peaceful, deserving sleep. Somehow you never had any of your usual nightmares in these nights, of course, you blamed your unbelievable state of tiredness, never fully wanting to admit how much the redhead had grown on you.

          Your own blanket also rested on her shoulders a few times, the library as the whole school of evil was especially uncomfortably cold at the late hours, and you would never just see her shivering body shrink and do nothing about it, maybe if she was someone else. 

          Returning the given blankets back, however, was a particularly fun activity to do. None of you wanted to lose and admit that they were grateful for the small gesture, so it always led to an insane battle of flirting and teasing that was amusing for both of you.

          “Here, your blanket, little dove” You said handing her black fluffy blanket back, for some reason you slept with it the whole night, even when you were at your own dorm.

          “Oh, did it serve well the damsel in distress?” Lesso said with a snare smile and a raised eyebrow.

          “It did my mighty knight, it was really comforting and cozy, thank you for caring so much for little old me, I might be growing a little too big in that rotten heart of yours” Your voice was in a higher pitch, trying to impersonate the way some ever princess speak.

          “My, my, rotten heart, you really say the most delightful things baby girl, maybe your mouth isn’t so bad after all” Her left hand pressed against the stone wall with her weight at the side of your head, half trapping you there.

          “Oh no, my mouth is as bad as its owner, but that doesn't mean it can’t drive you crazy” A mischievous smile painted your lips.

          “You bark a lot little minx, your bite must not be so exquisite after all” Your faces were inches apart and challenge was dancing in your and Lesso’s eyes, the high difference making her look slightly down.

          “Who knows? I haven’t heard any complains tho” You shrug.

          “Low standards is definitely something around this place” Lesso says leaning backwards and dropping her hand from the wall, recomposing herself in a indifference façade.

          “Guess you would have to find it for yourself. Too afraid you might like it a little too much?” Your hands boldly touches underneath her chin in a father like motion.

          “You wish” The last thing you see is a dramatic roll of her eyes before she starts walking again, her blanket between her hands.

          Sometimes, just like now when she wasn’t looking or paying any attention, you got the strange habit of noticing the little things about her. You could draw by heart the shape of her back, and would recognize her in any type of crowd. The sharp edges of her face, the beautiful curls of her red cascade, the cruelty and determination in her eyes facing something new, the way her face twists when she can’t quite understand some subject, her habit of slightly taping her long fingers on the desk when she is anxious, well, you could spend hours just naming all of it, actually, thinking about it now, that’s kinda weird, nonetheless you can’t deny, she is absolutely hot. 

          Also, from time to time, you could feel her eager eyes on your figure when you were doing something else, normally it would be just a sting in your spine and when you tried to look back at her she would distracted by some other thing, however, you knew better and caught her looking at you though random reflections in the room once or twice. You always wondered why, maybe she was just trying to have any type of wicked ideas about what her next prank would be, but something about the look in her eyes on those occasions just made your stomach twist and flip on itself. Odd.

          Hundreds of snowflakes fell thick out of the window now, painting everything pale, dead and white. It was the middle of the finals test week, soon enough you would be home with some cozy hot chocolate made by your favorite bird that because of one of your mother’s gifts, could turn itself human to take care of you. Tiredness weighed heavy on your shoulders and more than anything your mother’s diary was your safehouse, not because it had the answers for the test, but because it made you feel closer to her. She passed away when you were only ten years old, and honestly, she could be bad and all, but there wasn’t a single day you didn’t miss her. 

          Two tests left, just this, two tests and you are ready to go. These were the thoughts that kept you going though that day, your eyes were clouded due the lack of sleep and all you wanted was burying yourself in your bed. While returning some books to the library before going to your chambers, you saw her slim figure in one of the desks, Lesso’s hand barely supporting her sleepy head, falling constantly in and out of the morpheus realm. You knew she was just stubborn enough to keep like that for hours, your conscious self decided to just tease and play with her, however, the buried, cover, forbidden, parts of you wanted her to go quickly to bed, she deserved to rest. 

          “As much delicious the sight of you drooling is, I don’t think it’s worth ruining a perfectly good book, especially at the test week” You stood behind her and sneakily bend down to whisper the words in her ear, watching closely her body reacts to you as she startle slightly, making you be able to see in first hand her scruffs’ hair rising.

          “Says the one who doesn’t even have to study by the books. Mommy’s girl is too good for that” The woman said in a monotone voice, her last words dripping with venom while she turned to look directly at you. In response your body straighten and you look down at her seated position.

          “As if I didn’t get to see your ugly face almost every day in this ragged old dusty library. I study as much as you do Lesso, don’t blame my mother’s diary for you being often second best” You knew you hit the wasp nest, but the flame and rage in her eyes just made her so much more attractive. She immediately got up and stared at your eyes, no personal space between you.

          “Say that again to my face” The taller woman dared you inches away from your head, her breath fanning your features sending a chill around your spine and making your stomach twist in a weird way. You could see the devil in her façade and her voice would make any great villain feel like an naive hero.

          “No need for getting all worked up baby girl, you know you always put on a good fight” You smiled, this woman definitely drives you mad, in this villainess mode then, for hades sake she just looks luscious.

          “Don’t underestimate me just because I wasn’t born in this place” She hissed between her teeth.

          “Oh, I would never think of it, I’m well aware of the threat you are” Your left hand drifted between one of her red curls, toying purposelessly with it “Sometimes I wish you were put on the school for good, just to have you as my own witted nemesis” There was a glimmer of desire in your eyes and you could see a fire roaming and dancing behind her own.

          “As much as being good disgusted me, having killing you as my destiny makes me quite amused” Her lips twisted in the most blissful way, full of lust and cruelty.

          “Likewise darling. Now, if you excuse me, I’ll go to sleep as this is a important part of the learning process, and I would recommend you to do the same, if you still wanna put up a good fight tomorrow” You said stepping away from her, your smile never left your lips.

          “Do your worst little Mal” The nickname she gave you after your mother, Maleficent slipped from her mouth in a challenging voice.

          “Oh I always do, hellish dreams, Leonora” That was the last words you said, already on the way to your dorm.

          Your heart was pounding fast on your ribcage as it always does when you get to be this close with the red head, your stomach was equally strange, but there was a large grin painted across your face. Secretly you loved the effect she had on you, and you loved even more the effect you knew you had on her, seeing all her little subtle reactions were more amusing then you dared to admit. 

          Surprisingly calm, that’s how you would define today’s test. It wasn’t easy, actually it was very far from it, only you and Lesso were the ones to put up a fight and get almost all the questions right, however, in the end, as usual, you managed - barely - to beat her and get the first place. If eyes could kill, you would probably be dead by now, normally you wouldn’t care for things like that, but she just gets so much prettier when she is pissed, and you just loved being the one dragging those expressions to the surface. 

          After the test you headed straight to your chambers, as always at this time, you were a bit too exhausted and you already had studied for the last test tomorrow, all you really needed was a big refreshing time of sleep, so when you woke up, you could just go over your notes and be able to do the test with full attention. 

          Fogged minded and sleepy you walk carelessly to your dorm, when suddenly something throws you roughly against the cold hard stone walls of the castle, her scent invading your nostrils as she has a hand painfully tight on your throat. Her breath fanned your face and her sculptural body was tied into yours.

          “Give me the fucking diary” The way she swears just did something between your legs.

          “I don’t think so beauty, that’s private property i’m afraid” You said with a snare smile.

          “And since when a Never cares about it? I want it, I’ll take it, I’ll claim it” The hand on your throat tightness slyly and her left grabbed your face roughly.

          “Oh… did I just make you so very frustrated you needed to assault me for it? Tsc tsc you should study harder little lamb” You said playing with fire.

          “You’re cheating you filthy bitch, you have the fucking answers” Lesso spat the words at your face and you could feel her breath fanning roughly your hair.

          “Oh your mouth really says the most delicious things baby girl. However, I’m afraid I don’t give a fuck, nor our teachers” The snare smile never left your lips, you were supposed to be scared, or concern, or trying to free yourself however, you now find yourself enjoying every single second of it.

          “I could kill you right here right now” Lesso threatens again.

          “But you won’t, because you adore toying with me as much as I adore toying with you” Your left hand is now drafting between her red curls.

          “I can find new pets” She said with a raised eyebrow but a well known smile was creeping on her lips.

          “Not in this school, not in the same way we toy my little pet. You desire me Leonora” Your hand is now caressing her scruff scratching it and pulling it, while your right embraced her waist, dragging her even closer to you, as if it was even possible.

          “The feeling it’s not unilateral, I can see your hungry eyes on little old me every time I get closer” Her right hand left your face and enchase itself on your own waist, while she caressed the skin of your neck with her left thumb, still grabbing your throat.

          “Perhaps we could use this anger of yours to do something way more ravishing” You asked biting your lips at staring at her own.

          “Why do you get so much more attractive like this, fuck-” Her lips crashed on yours harshly and her hands squeezed your waist deliciously, everything in your conscious went black, as all you could feel was her, her body, her hands. 

          Didn’t take long for her tongue to meet yours, and god, it was better than any daydream you could ever dare to have. You let her dominate while a deep moan ripper though your throat making her groan in response. The cold weather of the castle faded, everything turned hot as flaming blazes roamed in a decaying empire and both of your bodies weld like cast iron. 

          When air was needed and the kiss needed to be broken, Lesso’s devious mouth didn’t dare to rest. It traveled sinuously down to your neck, kissing, sucking, biting, bruising everything along the way as you gasp for air. Half of your fogged mind remind you that you were in the middle of the dark corridor near your room and if someone passed by you would be screwed, and not in a good way, but damn, it was so fucking hard to think anything coherent when she was almost eating your neck off.

          “Less- Leo-” You tried to say when a moan erupted on your throat as she just sucked the right place “My room. Now” That was all you could manage to say.

          “Lead” She said, detaching from your neck and looking at your eyes, breathless. 

          Taking a long deep breath, you grabbed her collar and dragged her towards your room. As soon as you arrived you opened the door and pushed her roughly in, closing it behind you as you pinning her, your mouth finding its way to its newest addiction, her own.

          No sound will ever be as pleasant as the sound of her voice issuing the lowest notes as she moans delightfully, when your mouth finds the right spots on her neck, sucking and abusing her skin just as she did with yours. 

          In that room evening turned into night as the hours faded in pure pleasure. You and Lesso fucked, had sex and loved eachother blissfully as you toggle between showing your truest feelings and succumb into the deepest pleasure full of roughness and devilish delight. You didn’t count how many times you and her cummed together, how many times you felt her taste and she felt yours, however you only stopped when your bodies couldn’t physically keep up with your desire, and begged you to give yourselves up to the sound sleep waiting for you.

          A wet red mane was spreaded across your sweat chest, as Leonora’s body rested tangled on yours. Your right hand gently caressed her scalp, and your left drew incomprehensible symbols on the small of her naked back. Only a thin sheet covered half of your bodies and for the first time in many many months, you finally felt at home, with her in your arms. 

          “I wish we fought less” You said almost in a whisper, staring at the ceiling.

          “Why?” Lesso asks sleepy.

          “So I could finally get to really know you” Your eyes drift slowly towards her “Not only by your mannerisms. I see you Leo. But I wish I could truly talk to you, get to know how you truly are without the shell you and I have built to ourselves”

          “Leo?” She asked raising her head from your chest and facing you.

          “Yeah, sorry, nevermind, forget what I said” Your eyes avoid her and the ceiling looks suddenly so much more interesting.

          “No, I like it” Lesso gently turns your head towards her, her eyes so much softer than you ever saw “My mom used to call me Leo” She confesses.

          “Can I call you like that?”

          “Only when we are alone”

          “Only when we are alone” You repeat as she lays again against you.

          “I see you too” 

          “What?” You ask gently.

          “I see the little things you do, how you try your best in everything you do, how your eyes frown when something doesn’t go as you expected, how you smile slightly when some of your friends achieve good grades” She sighs “What I wanna say is that I see you, and I like what I see”

          “I really like you too”

          “Maybe when this test week is over, we could have a lunch, and maybe we could talk, in that silly way you want”

          “Good”

          “Good” That was the last thing you said and heard before the tiredness came over your body and you surrendered to Morpheus' realm.

          That night was so much more than you could ever dared to dream, however, the higher you get, the greater the fall. A hot unpleasant ray of sunshine striked your face rudely, making you wake up annoyed and almost blind by the strong light that came through the window. You sit down lazely and rub your eyes, realization hits you as Leonora can’t be found nowhere, the drawer you kept your mother’s diary laying open, broken into, just as the piece of your dying heart shattered. 

          You should know better. You are a N.E.V.E.R, you only get nightmares, not dreams, and it was as if the destiny wanted to show where you belong, what is your place, as someone who doesn’t deserve a happy ending, as an rotting person who is dead long before your heart strikes for the last time. You are not loved, everyone who loved you is dead, and soon Diablo will be too, so you are left there, alone, as it was supposed to be.

          While tears stream down your face and you die a little more, all you managed to do was to clap your hands. Well played Lesso, toying with one just to get what you want, betraying their trust, using them, making them feel loved, god that was just the cherry on top, so cruel, so perfect, it was a masterpiece indeed. Any teacher would be proud of her, and she definitely got first place this time, but you will make sure it is the last one. Every villain needs an awakening, she was yours. Even if your rotting heart dares to love her, you would rip it from your chest and bury it, you don’t deserve happiness anyways.

[kirbles]

9 ship songs

i got tagged by @omgkalyppso who shared a tav/origin (étoile/astarion) playlist they made. so i am doing the same lmao

i don't have anyone explicitly to tag so if anyone is interested, go ahead! you have my blessing!

the ship is my tav (i still need to fkin name him) and astarion. i've finished his personal quest and romance so it was fun to spend the day making this while i'm still fresh in my feelings.

'metaphor' by the crane wives ( stfy / yt ) astarion pov. the two meet for the first time. tav is more goody at this point, and so astarion acts very superficial towards him.

I've gotten good at leaning on metaphors I've gotten good at living on someone else's page I cut my teeth on second hand sentiments You can't trust a single thing I say I keep my closet free of skeletons 'Cause I'm much better at digging graves But I always dig up bones in your sympathy I can't trust a single thing you say Don't look too hard, 'cause you won't like the scars he left in me

2. 'something in the way you are' by kimbra ( stfy / yt ) tav pov. post-bite has tav very interested in the vampire. relevant to their first intimate encounter.

I'm wondering about your childhood Wonder if you were misunderstood I'm watching you inside your head I wonder if you know how long I can And I can feel it in my bones I love all of the sticks and stones And every little word you say You're breaking me in the best way

3. 'thunder lightning' by iamamiwhoami ( stfy / yt ) astarion pov. his behaviour doesn't seem to deter my tav. in fact, he seems to mostly go along with it.

Got to break the stillness for a while Need to see dеstruction to feel alive And when I say sorry I’m full of lies Got a violеnt streak I'm not ashamed Are you beat yet? Pressure keeps rising high Nothing thrills me like a savage game

4. 'snakeskin' by rina sawayama ( stfy / yt ) relates more to my oathbreaker tav and the influence astarion had in that outcome. he 'sheds' the oath like a snakeskin and follows a new path with his love

Looking for forgiveness I ran into your madness Shutting off my brain just to spite my heart You're slithering, slithering, slithering into my heart, yeah You're changing my, changing my, changing my, changing my mind, yeah I'm shedding, I'm shedding, I'm shedding, I'm shedding my snakeskin You're wearin' it, wearin' it, wearin' it every day, yeah

5. 'daffodil' by florence and the machine ( stfy / yt ) astarion pov. very much an 'oh no i didn't mean to fall in love' song.

I never thought it would get this far This somewhat drunken joke Sometimes, I see so much beauty I don't think that I can cope There is no bad, there is no good I drank every sky that I could Made myself mythical, tried to be real Saw the future in the face of a daffodil

6. 'fade' by lewis capaldi ( stfy / yt ) tav pov. oh look another 'i didn't mean to fall in love' song. this one is more my tav reacting to what happens in astarion's personal quest.

Wish somebody would've told me That I'd end up so caught up in need of your demons That I'd be lost without you leading me astray Guess I'm such a fucking fool for the way that you caught me You make my heart break more every day But don't fade away Well, I know that we've been hardly holding on To tell the truth, I can't believe we got this far

7. 'francesca' by hozier ( stfy / yt ) tav pov. post astarion personal quest. he was there for him since the beginning of their journey and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Do you think I'd give up That this might've shook the love from me Or that I was on the brink? How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily? Now that it's done There's not one thing that I would change My life was a storm, since I was born How could I fear any hurricane?

8. 'superstar' by marina ( stfy / yt ) they have seen each other at their absolute lowest and overcome some incredible adversaries. they are ride or die.

We'll stick together Make it through the storm You and I Whoever said we couldn't have it all? I love the way we worked so hard Yeah, we've come so far Baby, look at me, you're my superstar When I'm afraid, when the world's gone dark Come and save my day, you're my superstar

9. 'finding you' by kesha ( stfy / yt ) endgame. a nice conclusion for my brain sickness that is this ship.

I know forever don't exist But after this life, I'll find you in the next So when I say "forever, " it's the goddamn truth I'll keep finding, finding you I'm gonna search for your love Right through Hell and Heaven Millions of years yet to come And in all dimensions I know that you'll always be My happy ending

[rosewatergrapefruit]

“

@sallycinnamons​ hehe okay. sorry this took forever I was like ‘ok if I post it I have to make double extra sure I’m satisfied with every song on there’ (special shout out to “Every Night” by THEE Paul McCartney, which I adore but decided was not right. It’s the only one I culled)

anyway HERE is a link to this playlist and below is a bit about why each song is on here or what gains the song entry to this playlist. Basically the organizing question is what does Love sound like to me, Mimi [REDACTED]? Like many great playlists it started as an informal shortlist in my head and I decided I really did want to keep track of them. You’ll notice maybe like I did after making the playlist that a lot of them are about someone you want to listen to or want to listen to you more than anything. clearly that’s the height of romance to me...

its not in any particular order, just how I added it. 

1. “Jesus, Etc.” - Wilco - “I’ll be around / You were right about the stars”

2. “Only for You” - Heartless Bastards - first song I ever felt sounded like love to me, would have been first song if I had not been actively listening to Wilco when I decided to pull the trigger 

3. “The Book I Read” - Talking Heads - “I’m embarrassed to admit it hit the soft spot it in my heart when / I found out you wrote the book I read” 

4. “Ask Me Why” - The Beatles - “I love you / ‘Cause you tell me things I want to know” also John’s cold voice sounds like hes cryinnnnggggg :)

5. “This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)” - Talking Heads - as I mentioned earlier, often considered The love song in a catalogue characteristically devoid of them. Can’t pull out a lyric, all of them fit

6. “Ladies” - Fiona Apple - “Nobody can replace / anybody else / so it would be a shame to make it a competition”

7. “I Want You To Love Me” - Fiona Apple - Hey Guy Have You Heard This Song.

8. “Village Green” - The Kinks - ok this one is more getting at the fact that you can love a place so much, and also I always love how he goes back and sits with Daisy even though she’s married to the grocer. sometimes when you go to college out of state you form strong emotional connections with village pastorals okay?

9. “If I Needed Someone” - The Beatles - kind of incredibly blasé for a love song but thats why I love it I think?? It’s saying listen I don’t actually need anyone else but. If i did it would be you..

10. “Sugar on My Tongue” - Talking Heads - YAYYYYYYY BEING ALIVE IN A BODY AND HORNY FOR ANOTHER HUMANBEING IS BEAUTIFUL YAYYYYY LETS ALL HOLD HANDS

11. “Tim I Wish You Were Born a Girl” - Of Montreal - a repression enjoyer classic but its on here because he literally loves tim more than he knows how to think about. ok wow

12. “Concerto for Philodendron & Pothos” - Mort Garson - I have dreams about trying to orchestrate this one day and I’m giving the synth around :45 to a lone trumpet. That’s Love

13. “Nothing But Mine” - Billie Marten - “Be my friend / there is no other way to say it”

14. “Slide Away” - Oasis - “I dream of you / and all the things you said” & “Let me be the one to shine with you” & “We talk of growing old” NEED I GO ON? This one very recently has become an instant cry in the first ten seconds kind of song, which is nice. It deserves it

15. “Don’t Let Me Down” - The Beatles and Billy Prescott who is really quite crucial here - best John vocal of all time. Sorry. Don’t let me down please don’t let me down. Don’t let me down........

16. “Live Forever” - Oasis - “Maybe you’re the same as me / We see things they’ll never see” - man. man. man. man. man. yeah

17. “People Take Pictures of Each Other” - The Kinks - “People take pictures of each other / just to prove that they really existed” 

18. “Village Green Preservation Society” - The Kinks - “Aren’t they the same thing? Love and attention?” 

ok yay this was fun. If I ever add more songs I might come back to this post I really enjoy annotated lists 

[jpeg-dot-jpeg]

questions for a fic writer ask game ask!! 5 for Having a Me Party, 7, 33, 42, and 44 please!! <3

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about Having a Me Party? Answer it now!

Okay, honestly, it's been so long since I posted this?? It was one of those things that was more of a writing exercise than anything else, and it blew me away how much people liked it. To this day, it is one of my most popular fics and I want to ask, what is it about that story that people like so much? Is it the angst? The drugs? The relationship between Jason and Tim? I'd love to know!

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

Besides all of my corefour stuff (which is soooo much fun to write and I'm pretty proud of it) I'm giddy about a fic I haven't actually posted yet, but will be coming up very soon, which is an urban fantasy BatFam fic ft. vampire Tim. Here's a sneak peak <];)

He took extra care to ensure his undersized fangs went in at the right angle. There was her soft hiss of pain, the rush of venom out through his fangs into her body, then he began to drink. They let out twin moans, Tim from the flood of hot liquid over his tongue, Stephanie from the high of vampire venom hitting her system. “Ahhh, that’s the stuff,” she groaned, melting like butter into the couch cushions. The venom did its work triggering her muscles to relax and her brain to release a wave of oxytocin. The extra erythropoietin proteins would encourage the stem cells from her bone marrow to become red blood cells to replace what she had lost. With that extra kick to her system, it would be safe for her to give blood again in just a couple weeks, as opposed to the 2 months it would take without venom. As much of a parasite as he felt like depending on others to keep him alive, the benefits of his venom were undeniable. They kept vials of it in the batcave specifically for times when grievous injuries on patrol resulted in extreme blood loss. Vampires’ natural immunity to most blood borne diseases also came in handy. Tim wasn’t opposed to weaponizing his biology either. Whenever someone - usually Bruce or Dick - refused to take a much needed break, Tim would be sent in. He’d bat his eyes and say, in the most bashful, sheepish way possible, “I’m really hungry. Could I, umm, feed from you? Just a little bit?” And his dear family members would fall for it every time, offering their arms to him without hesitation. Then, the second the venom hit their systems, they’d be out like a light.

33. If you write chaptered fics, what’s your ideal chapter length to write? Is it different from your ideal chapter length to read?

My ideal chapter length to read is as much as the writer is willing to shove into my gaping fic hungry jaw (though I generally hope for anything upwards of 2k words). My ideal chapter length to write is probably 3-5k? I get really proud of myself whenever I manage more than that, but at least 2k is what I shoot for.

42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

I love and appreciate every single comment that comes my way, even if it takes me 3-5 business months to respond to them lol. It always makes me excited to get a comment from another fic writer, bc that is some top notch validation right there. I really love any comment that engages with the content of the story and asks for more details, my thought process, or what I'm going to do next.

My most memorable comment, however, was one a long time ago for a fic I can't remember, but the commenter saw a chapter update and was like 'lol its 2 am and i have to get up at 5 to drive somewhere but i saw this update and had to read it immediately' and i was like 'lol thank u i love actively making my readers lives worse <3' and then the next day they were like 'i crashed the car.' I was like hello??? but then didn't receive a follow up comment on that, so that exchange just lives in my head rent free

44. If you take/write prompts: do you prefer dialogue or scenario/narrative prompts?

I think I'd prefer more general prompts. I like encouragment that gives me lots of wiggle room, especially if its enough to work the prompt into a story I already have going. I have sooooo many wips and ideas, so I really appreciate the motivation to focus on a specific one at a time <3

[niennandil-me-writes]

Fragments of a Cybernetic Mind: Chapter 7 - The Silence of the Electric Sheep

Summary Half a year has passed since the events of Christmas of 2064. The world is slowly adjusting to sentient ROMs. But Turing is distracted from their task as ROM-kind’s leader and ambassador by another obligation they carry. They want to deliver Leon Dekker’s last words to his daughter. But first, they’ll have to find her, which doesn’t prove easy. They ask their journalist friend for help, who seems less than thrilled.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 (final) Epilogue

Content Notes: suicide mention, panic attack, trauma, guilt issues

I wake up screaming on the couch. Something hot and wet running down my face. I bring my hands up to see it isn’t blood but tears. I am tearing at my hair, scratching my arms.

Someone is calling my name.

I look up and see Turing standing in front of me. “You seem to be having a panic attack. Should I call an ambulance?”

I shake my head. Tears running down my face. I smell ozone, hear the buzzing of the servers, taste blood, more clearly than I could in the dream. I get up, open the balcony door. Humid summer air streaming in, cold on my sweat-covered skin. The sky is steel-gray with the approaching day, clouds red on the underside like they’ve been splashed with blood.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I say. “I’m out.”

Turing stares at me, face screen screaming confusion.

“If you don’t get his memories out of my home by tomorrow, I will trash every single disk myself,” I announce.

“That’s okay.” Their voice sounds uncertain. “I... I can store them with TOMCAT or – “

“Don’t you dare bring them to TOMCAT!” I shout. “He killed their sister, Turing! He killed me! I mean – he wanted – I, I – fuck , I can’t do this anymore.” I sink to the floor, back against the wall, face buried in my hands.

For a moment, they don’t say anything. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I stare at them. Anger is brewing up in me. Anger I tried to suppress those past few weeks. Not anger at my manuscript, or at Lexi, or even at the man who kills me every night. “Just give up on it, Turing!” I scream at them, standing up from the floor. “We won’t find his family in his memories! And even if we did, we shouldn’t. His family wants nothing to do with him anymore, and for good reason. If he wanted to apologize to his daughter, he could have done that while he was still alive, or walking around at least. But he didn’t. And you know why? Because he knew she was better off without him. Better off thinking he died before she was born.”

“But don’t you think she deserves the truth?” Turing is getting loud now as well. “You were the one who told me the truth is important! That’s what all of this was ever about.” They look petulant, almost angry. Good. That means I won’t have to feel bad for shouting at them.

“Well, what’s the truth? The truth is that her father died. What they put in this android wasn’t him. He said that himself.”

“But his last words were – “

“Why do you care so much about his last wishes? Why can’t you just let this go?”

“You might be able to do that, but I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because you weren’t the one who killed him!”

Their words tear me out of my fury, all the accusations forgotten for a moment, as I stare at them. They avoid my gaze, looking away. It’s so silent we can hear the autocabs speeding by outside, the only sound in the flat for a while.

“I know...”, Turing says quietly, “that he technically wasn’t alive at that point. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about what happened. I... I killed him. I don’t have dreams, but something inside my code makes me replay his death through my transistors over and over again.”

“And you think fulfilling his last wish will make that stop,” I say. “Make the electric lambs stop screaming.”

They nod. 

“And the fact that he was grateful for his death isn’t enough to do that?” I ask.

“Strangely enough, it only makes it worse,” they admit.

I think of Crow’s story. The suicidal android. I nod. Sigh. Run my hands through my hair, matted with sweat, not blood. “I’ll help you,” I say. “But, Turing, I can’t look at his memories anymore. You can keep them here and look through them, but I can’t help you with that. If we’re doing this, I have to get out there to find the information.”

“You sound like you already have an idea where to find it,” Turing observes.

I nod. “I say we pay Aunt Melody a visit.”

[cljordan-imperium]

Get to Know My OC

Once more I'm leaving this as OPEN TAG

Pinterest once more chose today's subject, and it's another of the girls.

Phaedra Shai Mandrake

1. Are you named after anyone? My names together mean “bright gift”, my mother said that is what she considered me since she had never thought she would have a child.

2. When was the last time you cried?  *the bright and sparkling eyes of the nephilim suddenly become hard and very cold* The day I found what the bastard, Gabriel, had done to my sister. *lips thinning, it is clear this is not a subject to be inquired on further.

3. Do you have kids? No, nor am I sure I want any.

4. Do you use sarcasm? It flows from me as easily as I breathe. Hanging out with Thinius and Dez, I need it to stay alive. *laughs* 

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?  Can I kill them and can they kill me

6. What's your eye color? Blue.  Tranquil when I’m calm, stormy when I’m not.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?  Depends on the mood. Now I have my boys, I’m more inclined to the happy endings or comedies.

8. Any special talents? *puts her hands out in front of her one above the other, palms facing.  After a few seconds a mist starts to form, then swirl as a ball of water slowly takes shape* I have command over water. I can use the water in the air, as well as any body of water.  With that comes the ability to make it ice.

9. Where were you born? Athens, Greece

10. What are your hobbies?  Swimming, surfing, fishing, sail boarding, snorkling, SCUBA diving, and archery

11. Have you any pets?  Dez

12. What sports do you play/have played? Swimming

13. How tall are you? 5’9”

14. Favorite subject in school? Philosophy

15. Dream job? I would love to be a swimming instructor to children.  I love helping kids not be afraid of water.  My own sister is terrified of it, something I’ve never been able to help her with.  There are too many people who die every year from not knowing how to save themselves, or how to save someone else.  I would love to be able to help that by teaching children to swim and to save one another.  I do that somewhat for nephilim children.  I tour the different Sanctuaries around the world and give a class once a year to those children who want to learn to swim, or a refresher.  You never know when you’re going to have to fight in water, or rescue an innocent who has been left to drown.  I just wish I could help more.

THE IMPERIUM CHRONICLES TAG LIST - @ceph-the-ghost-writer @kjscottwrites @writingpotato07 @saltysupercomputer @careful-pyromancer @late-to-the-fandom @autumnalwalker @perasperaadastrawriting @fearofahumanplanet @jessica-writes22 @dogmomwrites @mjjune @verba-writing @blind-the-winds @shipping-through-eternity

Please ask to be added/removed

[kores-pomegranate]

The last couple of days have been weird, not gonna lie.

I found out yesterday afternoon that a person I was very close friends with in college died from suicide over the weekend. He was the best man in my wedding. We hadn’t been that close in a long time—life takes people apart.

In November of 2022, his wife and infant son were killed in a car accident, and his other two sons were injured by alive. His middle son was touch and go and required extensive PT and OT for months after the crash.

I cannot begin to imagine the pain of those losses. I don’t want to try to imagine it.

Last November, this close friend group from college got together to be with him and his kids because we didn’t want him to be alone during such an awful time. It was a hard visit. He seemed…okay, I guess, in the way a person could be okay after something like that. He also seemed utterly empty. I think he died when his wife and baby died and I don’t think he came back. I do think he tried, and I think he wanted to be there for his kids.

I felt worried about him after seeing him and spending time with him. I messaged him saying that we should get together with our kids and try to reconnect in each other’s lives, and we tried to plan something but it fell away, and then the holidays happened. Every part of me knows that it wouldn’t have made a difference if I’d followed up with him. And still, I wish I had.

I slept not one single moment on Sunday night. For whatever reason, during my insomnia I was thinking about him and his wife. I had the thought that I should text him in the morning and get those plans solidified. It felt like such a random thought, because I truly can’t remember what made me think of him.

The way this grief has gripped me is overwhelming and surprising. I was once very close to this person. I convinced him to audition for a play with me my first semester of college because I didn’t want to go alone. The next year, we were cast as leads in the fall play. I joked with him a lot that he had me to thank for his blossoming theatre career.

We got married two weeks apart from one another, and our children were born less than three months apart. I spent every new year’s with him and our other friends for almost 10 years. It was a connection point for all of us that kept us coming back together long after we’d all graduated and moved away from one another. We only stopped when people started having multiple children and traveling got too complicated and expensive.

I thought about those new year’s trips a lot after his wife died. It made the memories feel surreal. I’m thinking about them again now, and it feels like putting multiple filters over the same photograph. So surreal it feels like a dream.

Even as I’m writing this, I’m realizing I ought to be less surprised by my grief. This person was an integral part of my life for a long time, and I guess that doesn’t go away when you fall out of touch.

I’ve never lost someone this close to me to suicide, I hope I never will again. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m writing this right now, or what I’m hoping to get from it. I had a weird day where I saw a movie about a theological debate between Freud and CS Lewis about the existence of god, I renewed my library card and killed time by reading the graphic novelization of The Jungle by Upton Sinclair in its entirety (just some light reading to help me feel better, you know), then saw Poor Things which was utterly fantastic and also…left me with some deep questions.

Much like my memories of my friend, this day felt surreal. It felt like a dream, like I was only half in it. I think maybe it’s still a sense of shock, or maybe this is just what grief feels like.

I feel very, very sad. Heartbroken, and a little helpless. I’m not close to his family, I don’t know what I could even say or offer to them to help. I think for all of us, we will just have to wait for the grief to become easier to hold.

[yellowedbytheblue]

Apparently years ago, on January 14th 2001, the angels and God got together and finally decided to mold a beautiful human with warmest heart, sweetest smile, toughest shoulders and great personality. You. I bet you’re the blessing for your family, you’re the love of the family, you’re their bundle of joy that brings smiles into their life until today. A big thank you for your mom for giving birth to a great man like you, for raising you well until you become this present you.

blow out your candles, my love. here’s another year of tender radiance and an abundance of hope

Thank you for being born. I believe you’re here for a reason even though you might don’t know what exactly that is. Thank you for being you, thank you for bring so much happiness and joy into this life especially mine. You’re such an amazing person that I believe I won’t find someone like you since you’re the one and only, with your heart and personality.

As you grew up, you may have learned to squeeze anger down your throat, growing a knot the size of a pomegranate. But the pomegranate still grows, right? And one day the knot broke, the skin burst. Red seeds shoot out of your tongue and split open on the surface. All that’s left is the anger that comes out of you and the red splattered on the white walls that were once clean. I guess what I’m trying to say is that none of this is okay.

It doesn’t matter.

They say regret lurks in the deepest corners of your heart, in the innermost arches of your ears, under your fingernails, in the crooks of your neck, inside your cuticles and gums, veiled under that thing called ecstasy. I wrote this story for your youth learning how to live. I will hold your hand and keep saying it’s okay. How hard it is to silence the beating heart, how hard it is to silence the silent voice, “the sky is turning a different shade of grey, and I’m afraid that even the world that created me doesn’t want to cling to someone like me”.

I swear, I love you.

I don’t want you to feel regret. I want to hug you to make sure you succeed in making sacrifices, to touch every fingertip and show that you have been completely devoured until now you are embracing happiness.

I know you have cried, sometimes walking the wrong path. But honey, after the darkness of the past, a new fiction of your life is revealed, where you have personified your fear into an extraordinary power. You have formed an incomplete phrase, into a poem that is as warm as a glance. I hope you can extend a little more grace and forgiveness while keeping your head tilted toward the light. There will always be time to see the flowers bloom at sunset. Live to the fullest, ya. Live happily.

Thank you, please stay alive.

Thank you for staying alive until today. I believe there are days when you wanted to give up because you’re tired. It’s really okay to feel that, you’ve worked so hard, you must be really tired of it. I just wish you can find hope in every passing day, even just a glimmer of it. I pray for you to get proper rest, I pray no tears in your dreams every night. May God bless your sleep every night so you can face sunrise with a smile on your face. May your blankets always feel warm, both sides of your pillow are cold, and may you wake up without heavy feelings on your chest.

I’m praying for your happiness. I hope you’ll be happy, in every aspect of your life. May happiness and joy will always follow you in your life’s path. Even until now, when I write this letter, I'm still proud of you and will always be.

Thank you for existing. Thank you for the warm love. Thank you, because of you I learned a lot. Thank you so much, you really mean a lot to me. Thank you for everything. May Lord bless you and keep you and also give you peace wherever you go. Happy birthday, Virleon.

[sarahwrites37]

Lines from "Maybe In Another Life" by Taylor Jenkins Reid that altered my brain chemistry 🫀

My life may be a little bit of a disaster. But I am not going to lie here and stare at the ceiling, worrying the night away. Instead, I go to sleep soundly, believing I will do better tomorrow. Things will be better tomorrow. I’ll figure this all out tomorrow. Tomorrow is, for me, a brand-new day.

Even after I got over him, I was never able to extinguish the fire completely. He still, all these years later, shines brighter to me than other people.

I may be broken and scared. But I am alive.

I want to try order instead of chaos.

I’m going to make a plan. I’m going to be proactive.

And then I realize that simple and easy aren’t the same thing.

I have a life to create here. Romance is great. But it’s only one part of a well-rounded life.

Things will always work out for Hannah. You know? She was born under a lucky star or something.

I am here today, alive today, because I made the right choices, however brief and insignificant they felt at the time.

I find that when you are doing something you are not supposed to be doing, the best course of action is to act as if you are absolutely supposed to be doing it.

“We don’t know what would have happened. But whatever would have happened wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Say it with me. Everything is going to be great.”

We can’t say what we would do in other circumstances. We can only know what we will do with the ones we face.

“I can’t love a different movie just because everyone loves the movie I love.”

I want to try to do something myself, knowing that when I have nothing left, someone will take me the rest of the way.

Her voice is strong and stoic. She is a force to be reckoned with.

I have to admit things in order to move forward.

"You are unstoppable. You are the strongest woman I’ve ever known.” "Strongest person. She is the strongest person I know. Her gender is irrelevant."

And part of loving someone, part of being the recipient of trust, is telling the truth even when it’s awful.

And I think to myself that if, by being here, I have taken away one one-hundredth of the pain that Gabby feels, then maybe I have more of a life’s purpose than I ever thought.

“Like you meet them and you think, this one isn’t like the rest of them, this one is something?”

I thought it the first time I met Ethan. I thought there was something different about him, something special. And I was right. Look at what we had. It turned out not to be for a lifetime, but that’s OK. It was real when it happened.

I truly believe we could mean something to each other, and we owe it to ourselves to see.

If I’m meant to find him, I’ll find him. But sometimes I wish I got to decide what I was meant to do.

“You know, when you meet the love of your life, it makes you do crazy things"

I’d go so far as to say your actions in love are not an exception to who you are. They are, in fact, the very definition of who you are.

"I don’t think meeting the love of your life gives you carte blanche to ruin everything in your path. There are a lot of people out there who find the person they believe they are supposed to be with, and it doesn’t work out because they have other things they have to do, they act like adults and do the right thing.”

We make choices, big and small, every day of our lives, and those choices have consequences. We don’t get to erase them just by saying we didn’t mean to. Fate or not, our lives are still the results of our choices.

I’m no longer a person willing to pretend the things I’ve done wrong are justifiable because of how they make me feel.

I’ve been thinking about breaking the rules. I’ve been thinking about giving you my number. Or asking for yours. But I care too much about my work to compromise it by doing something I’ve sworn not to do. All of this is to say that I wish we had met under different circumstances. Maybe one day we will end up at the same place at the same time. When we are just two people.

If there are people in this world we are supposed to love, we’ll find them in time.

The future is so incredibly unpredictable that trying to plan for it is like studying for a test you’ll never take.

That’s what you do when you want something. You don’t look for reasons why it won’t work. You look for reasons why it will.

If you love someone, if you think you could make them happy for the rest of your life together, then nothing should stop you. You should be prepared to take them as they are and deal with the consequences.

Relationships aren’t neat and clean. They’re ugly and messy, and they make almost no sense except to the two people in them.

“I mean I love you, and I want to be with you, and if you want to be with me, then nothing is going to stop me."

The world is splitting further and further into an infinite number of parallel universes where everything that could happen is happening. It’s a legitimate interpretation of quantum mechanics.

It’s entirely possible that every time we make a decision, there is a version of us out there somewhere who made a different choice.

I have to think that while I may exist in other universes, none is as good as this.

So I have to think that while I may exist in other universes, none of them are as sweet as this.

[fieldsofcarnations]

There was a train station, a child, and a girl.

“Oh, you’ve finally come!” The child exclaimed. “It has been so long!”

The girl only cried, and could only fall down to her knees in desolation.

“I was so happy once,” was all she said.

“Yes, but we suffered too in the early years of spring,” the child gently told her. “Adults think that spring is the most glorious time of year, but it can get stuffy too. There are just way too many bees that can sting you, too many flowers you’re allergic too, and a heat that can, sometimes, be overbearing.”

“But those were microscopic things to fear about. It never did matter five years into the future,” the girl pointed out.

“Back then, they were like monsters the size of a mountain, those problems were,” the child said, a little too mature for someone so young. “And it could still be you. Who knows? Maybe the problems you see now are things meant to be thrown away in the attic and forgotten in the next five years.”

More tears came out of the girl’s face, realizing how petty she was for crying or for being so idiotic. “I’m sorry for crying so much. You’re supposed to be the emotional one, not me.”

“Tears are the mind’s blood,” the child simply stated. “They only come out when words prick you or pinch you. To suppress them is to let a wound remain unbandaged; it will only hurt more.”

“My desire is to be you again,” the girl wished. “I was so young, carefree, and happy in those early years, but it’s all gone now. I don’t even remember the happiness then.”

“How strange, because I’ve always wanted to be you. Every day, I wish that our mother wasn’t so strict on us or how much I want to fly out of my nest. I want to be looked up upon and smile towards my freedom,” remarked the child.

“What you wish is to be another girl. Not me, not this girl. For I have so many problems, so many issues, so much work, all of which nothing is ever returned to,” cried the girl. “Other girls don’t have that many problems. Other girls were born to be pretty. Other girls don’t do much work and gain so much in payment.”

“No, I’m sure I want to be you. For there is no other person like you. You are like the dirt of our planet. You may be grimy, grubby, and filthy, but you are alive and real. You are the home of a life, another light in the darkness.”

The girl had no more words to say to the child, but she still felt the pity and shame she had for herself and her companion.

“I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to exist anymore. I wish for my existence to be erased from this world and for my spirit to be at ease. I want it all to be finished,” the girl said.

“All humans are puzzles. We are all a mess of jumbled pieces waiting to be solved,” the girl told her. “And I think that it’s good that you’re not finished, for the means your puzzle isn’t complete yet. You have so many stories to tell, so many laughs to laugh, so many breaths to breathe.”

The girl felt a little comfort in her words. “Tell me, what has become of me in the future?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you have answered all of my questions more wiser than I had!” Exclaimed the girl. “Because it’s a question I’m not meant to answer, and I can’t,” she said. “I can’t go forward. I can only stay here. I can give you the joy of your past and present, but never the future. Only the next person could answer that, and I believe your train to meet her is almost here.”

A train approached the pair. It zoomed passed open fields and city blocks, resting near them.

“I’m worried,” the girl feared, staring at the vehicle. “What if I’m a failure?”

“A second of worry causes you a year of your life,” the child advised. “Carry it with a smile.

And with that, the girl stepped into the train and went to see her next stop.

[bipolarsteaparty]

I feel like the most upsetting thing to me is that I can’t do anything right. I’m always doing something to upset or annoy you. There’s always something that I’m doing to drive you mad or make you lose your cool. I’m aware that I’m not perfect and there are times when I’ve said or done things out of anger, but no matter how hard I really do try to be pleasant for you it just turns out in disaster. A complete disaster. It ends in yelling, shouting, doors being slammed, and occasionally crying. I’ve asked myself time and time again, is what everyone has said about me right? Were they right when they called me poison? When they said I ruin everything that I touch? The terrible fear of them being right scares and saddens me. I always hoped that one day I would be good enough for another person, that one day I would come into someone’s world and they wouldn’t leave because of how miserable I make them. But time and time again my relationships end in tears and the other person being sick of me. Do you have any idea what it’s like to know my love isn’t enough? It’s torture. It’s hell knowing that I’m problem and no matter how hard I try to fix things I always end up doing the complete opposite without even meaning to. I want so badly to just scream and cry until my throat begins to bleed. I wish I could self harm again because knowing that me loving another person isn’t enough for them to stay with me makes me hate myself with a passion, because that means there really is something wrong with me and I can’t live with that. Maybe they all were right, maybe I am broken and unloveable. Why was it so hard for me to stand up to Rafael, but it’s so easy for me to lose my cool with you? Or to make you think I am trying to be combative? It devastates me knowing that all of my partners (except one) were so miserable with me. This all makes me feel like I am impossible to love, this makes me feel like a monster. Am I unworthy of love? Am I really unloveable? How can I carry on like this? How can I go on living if you and I will end in tears? I thought we were different. I thought that I was different. But maybe I am not. Maybe I’m still the same monster that I was nine years ago… I like to think I have changed since then but from the way things have been going with you and I, I don’t think I have changed much at all. I still self harm, I still lash out at people I love, I still push people I love away from me out of fear of them actually leaving (and then they do end up leaving) and I still hate myself. Maybe more now than I ever I hate myself because I know I’ve been making you so fucking miserable and that eats me alive. You’re the one person who I thought would stay, you’re the one person I thought would stick beside me. But honestly? I can feel you already leaving me. I can feel it with every fiber of my being, it’s excruciating. “I think I was born backwards… You know, come out my mum the wrong way. The people I should love, I hate…. And the people I hate…” It describes me perfectly. Perhaps I really am a monster, a poisonous flower if you will. My looks captivated you, you wanted more of me, and then you touched me and I poisoned you. I hurt everyone I come in contact with and I don’t even mean to, but some how I always do. I wish I could be drunk right now, so at least it would numb the anxiety and the pain. The pain of, why can’t I ever be good enough? Why do I always have to ruin things and hurt my loved ones? There are times when I consider suicide. I would rather die than end up alone. I would rather slit my wrists and end it all right now then know that I am going to have to spend the rest of my life without you because I’ve made you so unhappy and I ruin everything I come into contact with. How did I become so a vile person? When exactly did that happen? When I was a child? When I turned seventeen? Or a few years ago? Have I always been a monster? And don’t you dare say that I am not a monster because that’s exactly how I feel.

[sysiphus]

I don’t want to die I want to live but I can’t live

When I live my hands hurt from lack of touch that started from being born and I pushed thru cause surely surely surely my hard work on myself will mean I find someone later when I get older and smarter and figure out what’s wrong w me and how to fix it. Turns out it’s unfixable and ppl hate me just naturally cause I’m autistic and I will never become better so ppl I love would stay around. And my hands will always hurt like this and my heart will always turn inside out every morning and every day thinking about how warm it is in someone’s arms and wishing I had this one stupid little thing in my life. Chalk it up to another human who cannot face the devastating role they were born into who took their life I’ll take whatever punishment I deserve but I can’t take waking up every morning and every night as someone who’s only been touched badly and too young and hypersexualized by brain chemistry with no one and nothing to release it on. Im not worthy I don’t deserve it I have to spare ppl from my absolute scum garbage of an existence but I don’t know if I have the strength to keep that up alive and being dead makes it so much easier dealing w the loneliness and touch starvation. 10 yrs wasted for literally nothing but benefit and amusement for everyone else in my life cause I ended up back to the same place. I should’ve just left then and not spent 10 more years of suffering for no reason at all. I daydream all the time of being the next person who they would be and if they’ll be the kind of loved person surrounded by laughter and touch. I want to get this life over with already and go back to cuddling and feelign their voice thru their chest and feeling engulfed in fluffy trust and safety in someone. I just don’t deserve it here. I gotta get out asap

[kennyb0y]

Helllo ! I hope you don’t mind me requesting something? Btw I’m in love with everything you write

So what do you think Tokyo revengers character (ran , rindou , Sanzu , hanma ) would react about the reader loosing her baby (still not born ) because of them and make it super angst pls ! Thank you ><

Ascending Heaven

Ran Haitani x Reader

Rindou Haitani x Reader

Shuji Hanma x Reader

(separately)

Warnings: angst, mentions of abortion. I didn't do Sanzu because he deserves some rest. Also I wrote Hanma's part before I realized it was supposed to be the reader losing the baby because of him so it's going to be a bit different. NOT PROOFREAD.

Ran Haitani

Because of a stupid mistake, a silly miscalculation, Ran found out his pregnant wife was caught by the police as a way to get to him. It wasn't a secret that everyone was out to get any of the members or at least someone close to them. They hit the jackpot when they caught the wife of Haitani Ran.

“You just have to cooperate and we won't charge you as an accomplice.”

“He will get me out of here and all of you will be dead.”

A strong kick landed on your stomach. One of the cops pulled your hair back, making you look up, directly into his eyes.

“You really think he cares about you? Start talking or you'll be as dead as he will.” another kick.

You should have started speaking after the second kick. The life of your unborn baby should be more important than anything else but you just couldn't. You couldn't betray your husband and the friends you made along the way. God knows what would happen to you if you told the cops anything. But with the kicks getting stronger and your vision starting to blur, you were sure you would die before you could tell your husband what happened.

Fortunately you woke up in a white room, the light hurt your eyes. Before you even finish processing where you were, Ran is calling for someone.

“Ran…” you try to call for him.

“I’m here baby. I’m sorry I didn't get you sooner.”

“How's the baby?”

Ran’s face visible falls. He opens and closes his mouth two times before sighing and looking at you.

“The baby didn't make it. They kicked you really hard and there's nothing the doctor could do.”

Your arms wrap around your stomach as an instinct, you couldn't believe your baby wasn't there anymore. Ran’s hand rests on top of yours and he kisses your forehead. You cry in his arms while Ran promises you that whoever did it was dead and couldn't hurt you anymore. He tells you that he's there for you and will never leave your side.

He keeps his promises. Ran made sure every cop involved was killed and he even stood up to Mikey to get some days off to be with you. He never blamed you for what happened, sometimes even wishing you had told them everything you knew. He was thankful you were alive either way.

Rindou Haitani

You don't recall why the argument started. Maybe it was the dirty dishes pilling in the sink or the late night arrivals. Whatever it was escalated to Rindou yelling at your face about how useless you were. But you were sure he didn't mean it. Rindou was just stressed, his brother and Sanzu have been annoying him more than usual and having his pregnant wife wake him up at four in the morning to ask for ice cream surely wasn't helping.

Still, it hurts. It hurts so much that you just got a bag out of the closet, threw some clothes inside and prepared to leave the house.

“STOP RUNNING AWAY.” Rindou screamed, following you outside your shared room.

“Leave me the fuck alone Haitani.” you quicken your pace.

You don't know what happened next. Maybe you tripped over something, maybe over your own feet but when you realized your body was falling and you couldn't grab anything. Unluckily, the stairs were right in front of you and Rindou couldn't catch you before you fell down the stairs. You saw the blood before you felt the pain. And you saw Rindou screaming and running down before blacking out.

Perhaps having a baby wasn't meant to be. Obviously you and Rindou had a lot to work on before bringing a child into this world. You realized later that you tried to fix your marriage with a kid and it wouldn't end well.

Still, you and Rindou cried in each other's arms when the nurse told you you lost your child. He blamed himself and as days, weeks, months went by, he never stopped blaming himself. Rindou tried to make you leave multiple times saying you deserved better than him. But you stayed and he couldn't be more grateful.

Shuji Hanma

Your relationship with Hanma was never perfect. Far from it. You fought and threatened to leave all the time. There were days where Hanma would leave for days, weeks even.

When you found out you were pregnant, everything was suddenly gone. Hanma no longer raised his voice, doing everything to prevent any stressful situation. He loved that kid more than anything, spending nights with his head resting on your thigh talking to your belly despite the fact that you were only two months pregnant.

On top of that, Hanma made sure you were healthy and everything went smoothly. He made sure a doctor would come every 2 weeks to check on you, always cooked healthy food the doctor would recommend and wouldn't let you do anything. Hanma was committed to making sure you were comfortable. Nothing could go wrong.

Except you woke up with the white silk sheets blood red. You quickly woke Hanma up, tears dropping down your face, your vision blurry. Hanma looks confused for a moment before his eyes shift from your crying figure to the sheets beneath you. He immediately gets up, quickly getting dressed and lifting you up to take you to the car. During the car ride, Hanma’s hand never left yours, casually bringing it to his lips to plant small kisses and whisper comforting words. He never left your side, always holding your hand through all the process.

However, when you went back home with the news that you lost your baby, Hanma never held your hand again. He grew distant, the arguments came back and everything was falling apart. After a week you were sleeping in separate rooms. It got to the point where you would never see Hanma. Two weeks after the news, Hanma packed his bags and left in the middle of the night, leaving you alone and broken.

Tokyo Revengers Taglist: @bxnten @rinsie @spookygeto @rozcdust @chaoticwh0re @sweeneyblue1 @toobsessedsstuff @187skytree @kenmasbimbo @q-the-rockaholic @queen-flower @z0inqz @k-ryuuguji @sh4nn @devinsdaydreams @medusalovessnakes @aurel1ia @sh4gree @yunxbin @rizakari @lordbugs @wakasasucker @mortuary-ossuary @crown5 @drakenwh0re @hanken @kisekihany @kokoswhore @yeehawnana @prettysanshine @blingblingtaemin @albedos-world @eriskaitto @iwaizumisbicep (purple can't be tagged)

[bthehufflepuff208]

WAIT.

So I came across a post that was accidentally put in the “anti-Wanda” tag.  Basically the OP says that Dr. Strange owes Wanda an apology for making her kill Vision because if he hadn’t given Thanos the Time Stone for Tony’s life Vision would still be alive.  So I’m assuming the poster meant that Tony deserved to die on Titan, as he is, in their words, an “egotistical dickhead”; and that Strange, another “egotistical dickhead” had no right to act “morally superior to Wanda” (again in the OP’s words) because it’s Strange’s fault that Thanos won and that Strange forced Wanda into killing Vision.

And I’m like, huh? 

I mean, of course the majority of MCU fans wished Thanos tortured the “murderous, evil villain Tony Stark” to death, but do they really believe if Strange had let Tony die, Thanos would have just been like “Okay, you can keep the stone” and given up?  Like, wasn’t the point of Strange seeing only one outcome in which they won implies that even if Strange let Tony die, Thanos would have gotten the Time Stone no matter what?  And no matter what happened, Wanda still would have had to destroy Vision?

Also, these are the same people who add to their “Tony Stark is a piece of shit” lists by saying he’s a piece of shit because in Endgame, instead of going back in time to avoid the snap, he wanted to keep his daughter alive, so he brought everyone who was snapped to the present day (so those who were snapped AND the babies/toddlers born after the snap had a chance at life).

And yet, they are arguing that Wanda has every right to go on a massive killing spree because she lost someone she loves.  Someone who, even if Strange let Tony die on Titan, still would have died no matter what.

Amazing.  Remarkable.