#my mom can continue to say she’s only ever wanted me to be healthy but it doesn’t change the awful things she’d say or imply

[teruthecreator]

sometimes i just wish so badly that my mom didn’t raise me bc i think if she didn’t then i wouldn’t hate myself as much as i do now

[ienjoywritingfilth]

The night of the Concert

K I’m new here but I hope you like this even though it’s just filthy and horny and I like it like that. Maybe you will too.

pairing: dbf!Joel x fem!reader

trope Best Friend's Dad! Joel Miller

summary: your bf breaks your heart and you turn to the only person you can. It happens to be Joel Miller, your best friend Sarah's dad.

warnings: age gap (reader is late 20s, joel late 40s), dubcon, oral, infidelity, p in v, absolutely filthy talk, daddy mentioned, other shit but I've forgotten.

word count: 4.3k

The day is warm and the fan spinning next to you isn't doing much to help. You and Sarah are seated on her couch, you cross legged with her foot in your lap as you paint her toenails a vivid green. 

"I think he's gonna ask me to be his girlfriend," you say with a giggle as Sarah's eyes widen. 

"Really? Holy shit that's huge," Sarah says, watching as you swipe the green Polish onto her remaining nails. "He hasn't been serious about anyone since Mariana."

Mariana is your boyfriend Jeremy's ex girlfriend. A beautiful woman with high ambitions. You can't stand her and go to great lengths to avoid her when you see her on campus. 

Sarah is your best friend of several years, ever since your first day at college when you'd both been lost on your way to Chemistry. She's the reason you're with Jeremy in the first place. She's seen you through final exams, bad frat parties and your first college boyfriend. 

"You two will have the cutest babies!" Sarah says dramatically as you wave her off. 

"Gross. I'm only twenty-two, dude."

Sarah shrugs. 

"At least when you have kids you'll have a better reason to call him daddy."

The two of you bust out into braying laughter, so loud and for so long that when her dad comes in from the backyard he's grinning at the two of you. 

"What're you two gigglin' about for so long over there?"

Sarah's dad Joel Miller is about the nicest man you've ever met. Respectful, loving, patient and funny. You love being over at their house because you love seeing such a healthy familial dynamic at work. It's no wonder Sarah is so happy all the time. You envy that. 

"Nothing dad!" Sarah says, still wiping the tears from her eyes as the two of you continue to giggle.

"Yeah, nothing," you add, holding a pillow to your face to hide the laughter. 

"Okay, well the burgers are on the grill, jokesters. Can you get your mom? Think she's upstairs in the office."

Sarah nods, pushing off the couch and heading upstairs. 

"You staying for dinner, darlin'?" Joel asks you politely from the kitchen. 

"If you and Mrs Miller don't mind," you nod, coming to walk into the kitchen. 

You don't want to go home tonight. Your parents work long hours and the house is often empty. You're often here at the Millers place, eating dinner, studying, just hanging out. They always treat you well and always invite you to stay for meals. 

"We never mind," Joel insists as he mixes up the salad. "We only mind when you call us Mister and Mrs Miller. Makes us feel old."

"You're not old," you insist with an eye roll as you absently play with one of the edges of the decorative napkins. 

"Tell that to my knees." 

You laugh at that, turning to see Sarah and her mom Angela entering. Angela wraps you in a side hug and asks about school as the four of you gather around the dinner table. 

"I'll be glad when exams are over," you say with a roll of your eyes. "They stress me out so bad." 

"You say that and you always get top marks," Sarah says as she adds the tomato to her bun. "I bet you got an A+ on your last exam." 

"Yeah," you nod shyly as you add ketchup to your plate.  

"Your parents must be mighty proud," Joel offers before a sip of beer. Angela nods in agreement. 

"Yeah, your daddy must be so proud of you," Sarah drawls as she plates her salad, winking at you. 

The Miller parents look confusedly to one another when you and Sarah can't stop giggling.

----------

Date night with Jeremy! Dress with the stripes or the jeans? Where is he taking you? Ice cream and walk on the beach.   Sundress with the polka dots!!!!!  You're a genius Sarah Miller. I owe you big time Just pay me back by making me maid of honor at your wedding What are you up to tonight?   I'm taking my mom to see the Bangles for her birthday.  Awwww. Have fun! 

You toss your phone onto your daisy-patterned coverlet and stretch. It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon and you're in the best mood. 

You take a shower, slipping into the sundress Sarah recommended. As you do your hair and makeup in front of your mirror you fantasize about what awaits you this evening with your boyfriend Jeremy. 

You've been seeing him for three months now and he's always a gentleman, always taking you for thoughtful dates. Sarah introduced you as they're both in the same Philosophy class. Sexually he's just a little too eager, too quick. There's a lot to be improved, but you're happy to keep learning together. He's so handsome and smart. You love how he looks in his glasses when he's pouring over a textbook. 

A few hours later you’re showered, smelling delicious and wearing your shortest dress. You spin in front of your mirror before affixing a delicate lace bow to the back of your hair. You feel beautiful and you sigh dreamily.

Your phone beeps and you glance down to see Jeremy’s sent you a message. You smile to yourself, swiping up and reading the text.

Hey I'm sorry I don't think this is gonna work out. My ex and I have been messaging the last little bit and we're gonna give it another shot. I just wanted to be up front with you. 

You read the text over and over several times. It takes you that long to understand what’s happening. When you do you call Sarah, but it goes straight to voicemail. Over and over. You’re panicked, tears sliding down your face. You need to see her. You need comfort.

---------------------------

You arrive at the Miller home shortly after eight, pounding on the door as you sob. You’re surprised when Joel answers the door in jeans and a t-shirt, looking like he’s just woke up from a nap with bleary eyes and his hair mussed.

“Fuck, I’m sorry to wake you up Mr. Miller,” you sniff, wiping at your wet eyes. “Is Sarah here? It’s important?”

“Are you okay?”

He must see the frantic way you’re looking around or the tears that stain your cheeks.

“Jeremy broke up with me,” you tell him without hesitation.

"I'm so sorry," Joel grimaces, rubbing at the back of his neck and the clear display of discomfort. "Fuck I wish Sarah was here for you, or even Angela. But they’re at that concert tonight."

That's right, the Bangles. 

"Fuck I'm so sorry I forgot," you say shaking your head. "I'll leave-"

"Hold on now, I'm not sure it's a great idea for you to be driving right now," Joel insists. "Why don't you come in for a glass a water and a chance to calm down a bit?"

Under normal circumstances, you would be embarrassed at taking up his time. But considering how emotionally wrung out you are right now, you simply nod and follow after him like a sad puppy. 

He sits you on the couch and joins you moments later, passing you a glass of water. You drink it shakily as Joel smooths hair hair, watching you all the while.

“I feel so embarrassed,” you tell him once the glass is drained. “Acting crazy.”

“I know what heartbreak feels like,” Joel confesses. “It can make you crazy.”

You smile shallowly and nod at him before looking at your lap. “I’m a fucking idiot for thinking he was into me.”

"That's nonsense," Joel insists, taking your chin in between his thumb and index finger. 

"It's true," you say with your voice wobbling. "I thought he loved me," 

You whimper, tears falling down your cheeks. You're surprised when Joel pulls you into his sturdy arms. 

"Aw honey," Joel says holding you and rocking you gently.

One large hand goes to cradle the back of your skull, the other around your waist. You dissolve into tears as you say the last word and Joel holds you tighter. You bring your arms up around his neck, holding him as you cry, feeling safe and protected in his muscled grip. 

"It's gonna be okay." 

"Why do people always say that? It's not going to be okay!"

You pull away from Joel sharply, burying your face in your hands. You feel as Joel's body comes to shuffle next to yours, the cushions dipping as he moves until you're thighs touch. 

"Honey---"

"Nothing is going to be okay again," you whimper, turning to face your friend’s father. Joel looks so anguished for you, his hand coming to cup your cheek gently. 

"I know it seems like that now but I promise you there's lots of men out there."

"None like Jeremy." Your face crumbles. "None that will love me like him."

Now it's you who throws yourself into Joel's arms, burying your face in his shoulder as you cry. He rocks you slowly, petting your hair as you tears soak his flannel. 

"He ain't the only guy in the world." 

"He was special. He thought I was beautiful."

"You are," Joel insists at your jaw, still rocking you gently. "You're so fucking beautiful and don't you forget it." 

His words rumble through his chest and you can't help but feel your body soften at them. You didn't realize how much you needed to hear them until right this moment. 

"Thank you Joel," you sniffle, kissing his cheek gently without thinking. 

You feel him stiffen a moment, registering what's just happened. But he doesn't pull away. He keeps holding you, arms tight. 

And the sting of Jeremy's rejection seems to dim. With Joel's arms wrapped around you it's almost like he's shielding you from all that. It makes you feel grateful, and it's not long before you’re overtaken with emotion. 

"Thank you for everything," you breathe against his jaw. "You're so understanding."

"Not a problem," Joel says in a thick voice. 

And suddenly something in the air changes as Joel loosens you in his grip. A quiet hum, a vibration, starting between the two of you. Your hand is on his hip now, mouth tilting towards his face. You see his dark eyes dart from your eyes to your mouth and back again. 

"You're always so kind to me," you whisper, not breaking his gaze. Joel's breathing deepens and you feel all resolve leave you. 

Your mouth goes to his, tentative and gentle and you attempt to kiss him. He immediately pulls back from you, eyes wide. 

"Hey whoa," he says, pushing you gently back by the shoulder. "What're you doin'?"

You don't answer. Instead your hands trail down his stomach, tripping over his belt and coming to slide over the growing bulge between his legs. 

"Something that we both want, I think." 

He hisses at the contact, trying to jerk out of your touch. 

"I don't," Joel says quickly. But he doesn't pull your hand off of where they rest over his jeans. 

You don't know if it's the rejection from Jeremy or because you're doing something so wrong, but you can't stop wanting to touch Joel. There's something intense about this grown man getting red in the face, his breathing quickening as he allows you hand to gently massage him through his pants. 

"You deserve to feel good, Joel," you whisper as your hand goes to his zipper. "Let me make you feel good."

Joel makes a murmur of protest as he watches your fingers dragging the zipper down. He seems shocked, as if his body won't obey his brain. He makes a noise of protest when you slide your hand underneath his boxers, feeling his cock twitch. 

Joel flinches when your fingertips slip under the band of his boxers and graze his bare cock. He knows it's wrong when you wrap those same fingers around his shaft, but he's so fucking hard. He can't remember the last time he was this hard.

"You gotta---" he starts, but the rest of his sentence becomes a tight hiss as you you take him out of his pants. You marvel at the size of him, your fingers unable to meet at the base when you pull him free of his boxers.

"So big."

Joel watches you gaze at his cock, muffling a groan as you tilt forward and let a bead of if saliva drop from your mouth onto the head of his twitching cock. When you give a short stroke down, coating him in your saliva he feels he has to say something. 

"I'm married," he says weakly.

"Shhh," you murmur against his bearded cheek. "Let me do this for you."

You make a whimpering groan at the sight of him, thick and the weeping. 

"Honey, I---" He's leaning back into the couch almost like he's trying to stop what's happening. 

"Shhhh," you soothe against his jaw once more. "Just enjoy it."

Your hand begins to stroke up his shaft, using his copious pre-cum to glide. He growls lowly, hips sliding back and forth. 

"Such a big cock," you murmur, watching your hand slide up his girthy length. Joel makes a strangled noise before breathing deeply. His gaze is locked on your hand watching it delicately slide along his straining cock.

Use your mouth. Use your fucking mouth. 

He hates that this thought comes to him as he watches his daughters college friend jerk him off. Hates that this will be played on loop in his mind for years to come. Hates that his marriage of twenty three years is about to be flushed away for twenty minutes of pleasure. 

But he doesn't hate it enough to stop. 

"This...Mmmm... Shouldn't be doing this," Joel groans. You squeeze the tip and his head falls back against the sofa. "Fuck, you gotta stop-"

But even as he says this, Joel's hips are jutting forward, urging your palm to slide over his length over and over. 

"You're such a good man, Joel. You deserve this," you murmur against his ear, tongue coming to gently trace the lobe. "You deserve to feel good." 

Joel watches your thumb circle the rosy head of his cock and he shudders. Pre-cum starts at the tip, beading there enticingly. 

"You deserve to come," your warm breath fans against his neck. "Don't you?"

His head jerks back against the couch, eyes slamming shut as his cock twitches in your hand. You can see him relenting, his body twitching. 

"I shouldn't be doing this," Joel pants, thrusting his cock between your fingers. 

"You should.” Your mouth begins sponging kisses to the underside of his jaw. "Keep going. Lemme make you come." 

Your wrist snaps as you jerk him off faster, the wet sounds of his flesh turning you on even more. You wonder if he'll fuck you if you try to mount him. 

"This is so fuckin' wrong," Joel pants, his hips thrusting harshly against your palm. He's grunting, his hips off the couch as he fucks into your hands. 

He's just saying words, no thought behind them. It's wrong but he doesn't fucking care. All he cares about is the steadily building orgasm that you're bringing forth with every twist of your wrist. 

Your eyes are fixed on his face, watching as Joel's mouth goes slack and his eyes crack open, trained on your hand around his cock. 

"Want more, Joel?" You purr against his jaw. "My mouth?" 

Joel breathes shallowly, eyes going from his cock to your mouth over and over. 

Your hand slides quicker and Joel gives a strangled groan when your head lowers. You tilt your face, meeting his gaze as your tongue comes out to lick the head of his cock long and slow. Joel nearly jumps out of his skin. 

"Fuck," Joel grunts, his cock twitching. He breathes shakily before his eyes seem to darken. "Do it again."

You flick your tongue against the mushroom head before suckling gently at the tip. Joel's eyes roll back as you do this, tasting the sweet tang of his precum.  

You pull off, lower lip grazing the head of his bobbing length. You watch as he grits his teeth and his eyes find yours. 

"You wanna fuck my mouth, Joel?"

It's like he remembers who you are and what this is because you see regret cross his features. 

"N-no," Joel grits out with a wild flail of his head. "Gone far enough. This is---"

He's denying it, trying so hard to move back from you but you know he's close, the head of his cock is mauve and it twitches in your grip.  

"Would feel so good," you croon, tongue starting to circle the bulbous head once more. Joel is groaning, his hands in tight fists at his side. "I know you wanna fuck my mouth."

Joel is trying so hard not to give in. He tries to remind himself that you're his daughter’s friend, that he's happily married, that he isn't this kind of guy. But you’re so fucking sexy right now, desperate for his cock in a way his wife hasn't been for years. 

You swallow the first inch of him and he groans low and loud, his hips twitching. You pull him out slowly before you glance up at him, the throbbing head of his cock slick against your wet lower lip. 

"When's the last time you fucked someone's mouth, Joel?" You tease, and he sees the mirth in your eyes when he all but whimpers in reply. 

Joel's head is thrown back, a ragged sigh escaping him. He shouldn't want this, he shouldn't let you keep going.  

But then you take the length of him in your mouth, almost gagging at the thickness of him, and all coherent thought leaves him. 

You bob up and down on his length, eyes closing in bliss. Joel is carding his hands through your hair as you suck him off. 

"Fuck, take it deeper," he rumbles, and you feel his large palm on the back of your head, pushing. "Swallow it." 

"Yeash shur," you manage through a mouthful of cock.  

Joel can't hold back, he starts to thrust up into your throat, grunting as he fucks it. You hold onto his thighs, eyes watering as the bulbous head slips further and further. 

When you sputter you feel Joel come back to himself, gripping you by the back of your heck and pulling you off of him. You whine in protest as you sit back up, the sight of Joel's hard cock, still glossy with your saliva between you. 

“You need to stop.”

Joel watches transfixed as go to a stand beside the couch between his parted legs. He makes a sound almost pained as he watches you slide your fingers under your dress, tugging down and stepping out of your lace panties.

He just stays rigid when you crawl into his lap. You slide your wet slit along his cock, feeling as sharp huffs of air escape him. You feel heavy with power, your mouth going to his ear. 

"When's the last time you fucked college pussy, Joel?"

You smile when you hear the strangled sound escape him. You can see he's soaked with pre-cum, a shiny sticky collection wetting the coarse hairs at the base of his shaft. His eyes are stuck on the seam of your pussy teasing the head of his cock.

"It's okay to like it," you promise him. "It's okay to want this."

"I wanna put it in," Joel grunts. 

Your mouth is at his ear, warm and husky.

“Put it in.”

Joel groans and you feel his thick fingers start to squeeze your hips. He's not inside you yet, but he's so thick and warm against your pussy lips. He’s hypnotized, urging your pussy down, desperate to feed his cock into you.

“I need it," he whispers in a daze.

"You can have it," you encourage, breathlessly as you watch him grip his cock and guide it to your waiting hole.

"This is so fucking bad," Joel groans, half aroused, half disgusted with himself as he begins to feed his cock into your twitching pussy.  

You grin, fingers digging into his shoulders when the bulbous head breeches your entrance.

“Tell me to stop,” he almost begs but you shake your head.

“You deserve this,” you say. “Deserve to fuck my tight pussy.”

You’re married. You have a kid. This is fucking wrong.

All those worries are gone the second the head of his cock feels the velvet clench of your cunt. He can’t look away from where you’re both connected. Without warning he sheaths himself deeply, watching your brows crumple as you take him to the hilt. Joel watches your pussy swallowing his cock, knowing how fucking wrong it is and hating how he has no intention of stopping.

"I fuckin’ deserve this," he pants out, watching your tits bounce as you slide along his length. You ride him well, experienced, full of energy. He can’t remember the last time Angela rode him like this, like his cock was everything.

“Yes you fucking do,” you groan out, bouncing in his lap. He grips you tightly, fucking into you like you’re a human flesh-light.

He does deserve this. He works hard, he’s a good father, a loving husband. He’s never done anything like this before. Would never dream of fucking a girl who’s been over at his house for months, who’s never appealed to him like this until this very moment. A girl who’s tits jump with every thrust of his cock, whose wet mouth forms a lurid ‘O’ when he hits a particularly good spot. He deserves to have you ride him here in his house, a desperate, needy fuck.

Joel feels everything in him tightening as he watches you peel the dress off your body, tossing it over your shoulder and he sees you’ve forgone a bra this evening, letting the rhythmic slap of his cock up into you make them jiggle enticingly. You sit there naked, riding his cock with no shame or hesitation.

“You feel so good,” you tell him through a groan, your eyes falling shut.

He feels his balls contract when you start to cup your breasts, pinching the nipples as your head falls back. Joel can’t help but dart forward, latching onto your breast and laving at the taut nipple. You moan as he continues to fuck you, pausing when he grips your wrist.

“Make yourself cum,” He orders, forcing your hand between your legs. “Soak me.”

You nod doing as he says, rubbing your swollen clit for barely any time at all before you shuddering.

“Gonna cum,” you moan, head tilting back once more.

Your hands fly behind you, gripping onto his knees. Joel can see everything, see’s how your clit rubs against his shaft and your thighs shake.

"Fuckin' do it sweetheart," he croaks. "Fuckin' soak my cock."

He holds your hips again, entranced at how you slide up and down him, your arousal seeping down into the curled hairs at the base of his cock as you cum. He watches all of this in amazement, his breathing shallow and rapid.

You pull yourself back, your pussy fucking drenched as you slowly continue to pump yourself up and down on him. He’s still so hard, aching and desperate for release. He casts a feral smile at you.

“Keep fuckin’ yourself on it,” he tells you.

 You nod and he watches your plump mouth curl into a smile.

"You wanna fuck me full of your cum, daddy?"  

Without warning Joel suddenly goes rigid.

You think he's going to come but instead he's red-faced and gripping your waist. He pulls you off of him, his cock still hard and throbbing, slick from your earlier release. He shakes his head, panting.

"Fuck. No. We gotta stop."

"But---"

"This ain't right," Joel insists, tucking himself still hard back into his jeans with shaking fingers as you arch up. 

"But I want to."

"And if you keep going I'm not gonna be able to stop you," Joel lets out a shaky laugh, unsmiling as he tilts down to grab your dress. He passes it to you politely averting his eyes; as if this belated gesture means anything after all he’s done and seen. You frown.  

"Joel."

"I'm married and you're Sarah's friend. If that wasn't enough, I'm also two decades older than you."

"I like older men," you insist, trying to swing your thigh over his. Joel stops you, hand pressing you back gently. 

"You're too young to know what you want," Joel says sharply. 

"That's not true."

Joel surveys your face for a moment, concern softening the edges of his expression. 

"You just got dumped by the boy you love. You’re not thinking properly."

"No," you shake your head. "That's not it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," you say, hands reaching for his zipper again. "I just want this."

Joel shakes his head gently, fingers gripping your wrist and pulling you off of him firmly. 

"Honey you gotta stop," he says, taking your hand and placing it back in your lap. "This ain't you." 

You don't like how Joel is looking at you, like he's peeling your skin from your body, peering in to see what he shouldn't. 

"I could make you feel so good," you promise him, hand coming to palm him through his jeans once more. "Our little secret."

You see his resolve waver before his hand grabs your wrist, pulling you off of him.  He's looking at you with concern, with compassion. With pity. It makes the sting of his rejection more potent. You pull on your dress now, feeling the first pangs of humiliation starting.

"You need to go, honey. Right now." 

Now that the moment is sobering you feel a flash of panic.

"Are you gonna tell Sarah?"

"No." Joel shakes his head. "I'm not gonna tell anyone. But I think maybe you shouldn't come around here for the next little bit." 

"I understand," you say staggering to a stand. He walks you to the door in awkward silence. He opens the door and then he finally speaks.

"You are a beautiful, smart woman. Don't let one idiot make you forget." 

You eyes grow misty and you give a shallow nod before turning. 

"Thank you, Joel."

[homestylehughes]

18.

pairing(s): jack hughes x fem!reader

summary: jack proposing to his girlfriend, the girl he knew he would marry since he was 18.

warning(s): absolutely none. pure fluff, and cuteness :)

word count: 1.4k

authors note: hi loves!! my inner directioner came out when writing this fic! this fic is loosely based off of 18 by one direction (I listened to FOUR, the album, the whole time while writing this. 11/10 would recommend). this was so much fun to write, it kinda gives me romcom, or romantic movies vibes? I love writing jack all soft and cute. I hope you guys enjoy, like and reblog if you do! I hope you are all happy and healthy. much love as always <3

“I have loved you since we were 18, long before we thought the same things.”

Ever since Jack laid eyes on yn at 18 he knew she'd be the person he'd spend the rest of his life with. Jack can remember the day he met her, like it was yesterday. He had just got drafted by the New Jersey Devils as the number one pick, which threw him into a new life of superstardom. 

In the midst of being the 1st overall draft pick, the Yankees invited him to a game, having one of the best seats in the stadium, he couldn't help but smile over the fact that this was now his life. As the fifth inning came to an end, Jack decided to make his way to the bathroom. As he walks through the busy crowd, weaving in and out of groups of people. Finally making it to the bathroom, doing his business before quickly heading out. 

As he walks out of the bathroom, his phone dings from a text, pulling his phone out of his pocket to see that it's from his mom. Just as he begins to type out a response, he feels himself bump into someone. bringing his head up to see the prettiest girl he's ever seen in all 18 years of his existence, with a hot dog smashed into her chest. He's so close to her that he can see the red and yellow stains from the ketchup and mustard littered across her white as snow Yankees jersey. 

“Oh my gosh” the girl says, her head hanging low as she looks at the hot dog stained jersey.

“Shit. I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” jack embarrassingly  rambles out 

“It's..okay. It's nothing, it's just a jersey and hot dog. No biggie” she says, now looking at jack. 

“No it's a big deal, it's my fault. Here let me help you clean up.” Jack offers, as waves of guilt run through his veins.

“Are you sure? You don't have to, don't want to waste any more of your time.” the girl says

“If anyones wasting your time it's me, come over here” Jack says, taking the hot dog from her, throwing it in the trash, before turning around to look at her jersey. 

“It's pretty bad isn't it?” she asks him

“It is.. How about this, how about I buy you a new one?” 

“I can't accept that, it was an accident. Plus i dont your name.” the girl says, holding her ground as she looks directly in his eyes. 

Jack can't help but get lost in her eyes as they look at each other. 

“Yes you will, and my names jack.” flashing her smile before grabbing her hand

“Now come with me, we're going to go get you a new jersey and a hot dog, and anything else your heart desires, got it?” Jack says, briefly looking at the girl, who sends him a nod in approval. Turning back around, as he continues walking them through the crowd.

“Yn!” she says loudly behind him 

“What?” Jack asks, turning back around, confused by what she said to him.

“Yn, my name is Yn. Only fair if you know mine now” yn says with a small smile

“Well yn, what size jersey are you?” Jack asks, looking at yn, who has a slight smile on her face as she looks over all of the different jerseys.

“Umm..medium? Can I get the white one?” she asks 

“Of course” Jack sends her a smile as he talks to the worker, quickly getting the jersey for the girl. 

Sending the guy behind the counter a thank you, picking up the bad before handing it to yn.

“Jack..thank you so much” 

“You're very welcome, now on to a hotdog” he says with a smile

“Okat only on one condition.” she says

“And that is?”

“You let me buy them. I can't let you buy me anything else today.” yn says, looking at him sternly.

“Yes ma’am” 

“And so help me god if you get mayo on your hot dog, i will break down in tears.” 

“Mayo? On a hot dog?” he questions 

“Yes. it's sick and people actually do it.” she laughs 

“ well no, mayo on my hotdog for me” he smiles to her

“Good. That's what I like to hear,” she says, lifting her head up, sending him a smile before getting in line. 

Jack looks at her for a second, and in that moment he knew, hed just found the person he'd spend the rest of his life with. 

– 

“Quinn. I'm freaking out." Jack says as he paces on the dock.

“Jack calm down, she's going to say yes. Take a deep breath "Quinn says as soothing as he can, in an attempt to calm his brother's nerves.

“You don't know that” jack snaps at him 

“Yes I do, you guys have been inseparable for the last 5 years. You two are the same person, and can share the same brain cell. She will say yes.'' Quinn says. walking over to Jack, bringing him into a hug, hoping to help calm down.

Jack pulls back after a few moments, murmuring a soft thank you, before taking a deep breath, straightening his back before turning around to look out at the lake. The calm water seems to calm his nerves for a few moments. 

“She's on her way” quinn says, laying a hand on jacks shoulder giving it a squeeze before turning around heading off the dock, leaving jack alone with his thoughts. 

A few moments later he can hear the sound of the footsteps on the dock behind him, turning slightly to see her walking towards him in the prettiest white dress, the bottom of it flowing in the wind as she walks. 

“Hi, pretty girl” jack says while grabbing her hand pulling her to stand in front of him

“Hi” she says breathlessly like she'd been holding her breath the whole way here.

“I don't really know where to start but I'll start by doing this,” Jack says before slowly dropping down to one knee. Yns hands quickly move to cover her mouth, as she looks down at Jack with tears welling her eyes.

“Yn. you've been my rock, my best friend, my biggest supporter, and most importantly the love of my life for the last 5 years.” 

Yn lets out a choked sob that causes Jack to pause for a moment, to regain his breaths he can feel his eyes beginning to water, as he continues.

“I knew you would be the person I'd spend the rest of my life with the moment I crashed into you, spreading mustard and ketchup all over you. Even at that moment I thought you were the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. Thank you for always making me feel seen and loved, I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without you. I love you, and I promise I'll love you forever, until my heart gives out. So would you do the greatest honor of being my wife?” 

“Yes. yes. A million times yes, jack.” she says as she struggles to hold back her tears as she launches herself onto jack. The both of them wrapped in each other's embrace, tears of joy falling from both of their eyes. 

Jack pulls back enough to slide the perfectly cut, sized ring onto her hand. the ring going on perfectly, as if it was the last piece of the puzzle, laying perfectly on her hand. 

“Jack it's beautiful” yn beams at him, tears still falling, hitting her cheeks like raindrops on a window. 

“Not as beautiful as you” Jack says, bringing his fingers under her cheeks wiping them away. 

“I love you” she says 

“I've loved you since we were 18, '' Jack says softly before pulling her into a kiss. 

“I wanna love like you made me feel, When we were eighteen”

[charmedreincarnation]

Hey angels! I’m still on break but I wanted to show you guys how powerful the law is, and how it’s in effect with everything even when we don’t notice!

Here’s everything I’ve manifested in this year alone !

🌸70,000$ in school scholarships. My tuition does not even cost that much so most of it will be coming back to my credit card shortly

🌸an older sister. I’m the oldest child in my household, and as any older sibling knows it’s so hard. You have to lead, yet have no one to look up to for advice yourself. Anyways my dad got in touch with his old wife, and my mom who was once reluctant to let my half siblings in my life, now encouraged it! My older half sister is literally just like me. We now FaceTime, she defends me when I’m scared, she buys me stuff all the time because she has hella money, and I go to her apartment for sleep overs. I am very lucky and happy to finally have the older sister I’ve always wanted.

🌸an old friendship! I remember in 2020 I was friends with this girl and we were both super depressed, had similar circumstances, and were into manifesting+astrology. I’m sure she’s one my twin flame, and the friendship ended over the dumbest thing ever. Anyways for a year I used dumb methods like the 333 method, sp methods to get her to text me, stuff like that. I ended up giving up but earlier this year I was thinking about her, yanno just wondering where she is. She sent me a heart felt apology the next day. I manifested her without even trying!

🌸All As in school without trying.

🌸losing weight the more I eat. Y’all I’m 5’5 and 112 pounds, yet I eat like an Olympic gold medalists. I don’t even eat healthy and knowing myself.. well that’s something that’s not going to change lol. Anytime I would eat a lot, I would just say the more I eat, the more I lose and the healthier I am…and I never gained a single pound. Only lost! Don’t worry I’m still healthy and my doctors say I’m in a healthy range still, so as long as that continues healthily I’m fine.

🌸my family winning the lottery through the void state. I won’t say specific numbers but it’s in the 7 figure range, and was my first void success! I’m going to keep manifesting and exploring the void to have more stuff in the future!

🌸(dumb) but clearing my name in the unique situation. i remember just affirming the truth always comes out and she got exposed a few hours later. aside from the hate from her anons, I left the situation unscathed for the most part 😮‍💨

🌸not having seasonal depression this year. I did not manifest my depression or anxiety away for personal reasons, before anyone starts! But due to the combination of manifesting and just having a better overall life, it honestly did not affect me much this year.

🌸getting results from subliminals without even listening to them. I left my subliminal era a couple of years ago, and I don’t really use them anymore. But sometimes I come across a really cool one with dope benefits, and I want to use it bc.. why not lol. But I don’t really like listening to them, so I just wrote down that I can listen to it once and after that my brain memorizes the sequence and it works it out repeatedly even when it’s not playing and I’ve definitely noticed results.

🌸manifesting my best friend’s cancer away! I already made a post about this, but this was my favorite manifestation of this year.

🌸every single one of my shifts

🌸so many free things!

🌸and so much more, but these are my favorites!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for suggesting my girlfriend eats less?

(🫠 so i can find it later)

I know immediately it sounds insane but please I need advice. Also sorry it’s so long this is a sensitive topic and I want to treat it as such.

So my (24F) girlfriend (22F) has been trying to lose weight for about 9 months now. I let her offer up what info she wants but never ask because I don’t want to add pressure, and i’ve struggled with an ED and witnessed as my mom has struggled with her weight since I was born so I understand how hard it can be. But my girlfriend is as gorgeous as ever. And I know she’s been as active as possible so Idk why she’s so hard on herself.

My mom eats healthier than anyone I’ve ever known. When I was younger I watched her go through phases with taking on some weird diet that never really worked. She once told me she recognized her real problem is stopping when she’s “full” and not what she eats. She was insecure about that fact because she almost starved as a teenager. I tried to encourage her to accept her body if eating what she wants makes her happy. But she always says she isn’t happy when she’s not eating & only would be if she felt “sexy” again.

I’m starting to see a similar struggle in my love. She asked to go to the gym together, so I bought us a gym membership. We try to get there 3x a week for at least an hour each time. But she’s in her final semester before graduating so we stopped going as much about a month or two ago. She keeps talking about losing weight so her graduation dresses will fit better but I think they fit perfect. I zipped them myself. She never wears dresses or skirts, favoring baggy clothing and streetwear, so I think she’s just not used to the sensation of a form-fitting dress.

She joined a coed soccer team that would meet weekly for a month. I went to her games, she goes hard. She’s also started going for runs twice a week after work with a coworker. They did 3 miles one day! That’s still 3 days a week she’s been working out, plus the occasional day or two every other week we manage to get out to the gym.

She has taken to blaming me for us not going to the gym, not directly but will whine at me with a pointed tone, as if begging me to go to the gym after she told me we couldn’t go. I try to ignore it since I know she’s having a hard time and mostly venting. But if I agree and offer to drive us, she always has too much homework. Even if she’s been sitting on tiktok for an hour.

I do all the cooking for us. After she complained about not making progress I started serving us both smaller portions. Now she gets seconds after meals and will complain about being snackish or wanting a sweet treat less than 30 minutes after we’ve ate. If I stand firm on no treats (which is rare), she pouts. She refuses to get a treat without me, if I tell her she can go get one if she wants she won’t. If I give in, then later I feel guilty like I enabled her. And she’ll guilt trip me for it too. And then she’s unhappy about not losing any weight again and the cycle continues.

She’s got a broad build and a naturally curvy body. When she talks about being her ideal size/shape again, it’s always in photos of her at 14-17. I keep trying to instill in her that she can get muscular and fit but still might not look like that again because she was a child. She dismisses me every time and will compare her body to mine since we’re the same height, but I have different genetics and an overactive metabolism.

She’s active, healthy, muscular, and is maybe 30 lbs over the BMI for her height and age. I don’t believe in the BMI, just stating for reference reasons. Some of that “overweight” is definitely likely muscle since she said she gained weight after we first started going to the gym. She would not believe me when I said you gain muscle before you lose fat, even though she’s learned this in her major. In my eyes to have the kind of toning that she wants— and that athletes her shape have— she probably only needs to lose like 10-15 lbs. You can see the line of musculature on her thighs as she is. She eats way healthier than most college students because she’s a medical major and really cares about body health. I think a lot of her desire to lose weight comes from the athleticism of the PT’s she works with.

She continues to nitpick at her other behaviors (i.e. having a yasso icecream twice a week) that are far less “harmful” to her goals than overeating. But I fear it will cause a rift in our relationship if I try to suggest that to her.

I want to help her on her journey and the way she blames me makes me feel like I need to do more to help, but the only thing I can think to suggest is something I would never recommend on my own, let alone to my girlfriend who I think is beautiful as is. I don’t want her to think by me suggesting smaller portions that I have a problem with her perceived lack of progress. I only have a problem with being treated like it’s my fault she isn’t losing weight. When I tell her she looks amazing as she is she just tells me I’m biased because I love her.

I don’t feel it’s my place but Idk what else to do. So WIBTA if I told her that she should try to eat smaller portions rather than dieting since she’s already physically active and eats healthy?

[crow-aeris]

Part 3 of the au my brain worms gave me 😔

Part 1, 2, 4

=====

"I keep forgetting about you being a literal trash rat," Jason scoffs, poking at the single pitiful skillet at sat innocently in the giant pantry. He sighs, taking it out, rinsing it, before setting it on the stove.

"Shut up," Tim sighed, pressing his face into the countertop, "You're such an asshole."

"Language, birdy," Jason scoffed, grimacing as he looked through the fridge, "Is there nothing organic in here? You're supposed to be rich, Tim!"

"It's too much work!" his brother complained, "I can't bother with cooking when there are Batmen and Robins to stalk!"

Jason deadpanned, turning over to pin Tim with an unimpressed stare, "Really, kid?"

He shrugs, "You called me a stalker, Jay, I'm just leaning into it! Also, do you want to deal with Dick or Damian next?"

Jason scoffed, "You're the genius, figure it out."

"You lie to Batman once!"

"Oh shut up," Jason rolled his eyes before deciding to make scrambled eggs, because those were the only thing in the entire fridge that were even slightly healthy. Everything else was either frozen meals, exotic fruit juice, and even more frozen meals. God the amount of salt here is atrocious, "We both know you've lied to all of us at least three times."

It was very telling when Tim didn't respond.

"Alright, you make the plans, I make the eggs, and I'll veto anything that sounds utterly batshit insane."

"Do you want to call your mom first?" Tim offered, "She's probably worried sick."

Jason turned, his expression pinching as guilt churned in his chest... He... He doesn't know if he should. He knows she'll die, that someday she'll overdose and leave behind a shaking, trembling, wide-eyed and fearful son, but- but he doesn't think he could deal with it again. Sure, she's his mom, but he- he doesn't know her, this version of her, at least.

"It's okay if you don't-"

"Shut up," he hissed, shocking himself at how strangled and strained his voice sounded, "I- I don't know if I can."

And Tim, with an infuriatingly patient expression, nods.

Jason sucks in a breath through his teeth. He came to peace with her death all those years ago, the faint memory of his previous life overlapping with this reality's.

But... he still owes it to her...

"...Do you want to come with me?" Jason asks after a few seconds of silence.

"Yeah," Tim responds, "Let me go grab some money, and we can buy something instead."

Jason nods shortly before shoving the skillet back into the pantry before going to wait by the door.

A few moments later, the pair of boys sat side by side on the back of the bus. They made have been at each other's throat all those years ago, but now- god help those who ever try to sever them.

As the bus slowed to a stop, the pair wordlessly stood in tandem and strode off the bus. Years of carefully ingrained memory allowing the pair to work together like a well-oiled machine.

"What are you kids doing out here?" a strange man drawls, striding forward to stand in front of the two.

Jason tensed, shifting forward to place himself between Tim and the strange man, "It's none of your business."

"Don't be like that," the man continues, stepping forward with hungry eyes trawling down Jason's face, "are you two brothers?"

Tim's hand pressed against his shoulder, and Jason relaxed to allow Tim to work his stalker magic.

"Yes, we are!" Tim chirped brightly, his currently tone at complete odds with Tim half an hour ago, "I'm so sorry about my brother's attitude. He didn't get enough sleep last night, you see, so he's just a little grumpy."

"I can speak for myself, Al," Jason huffed, feeling acutely aware of the eyes pinning against his skin.

The man looked interested. It was all Jason could do to keep himself from lashing out at the man for his predatory gaze, "What's your name, kid?"

"I'm Alvin John," Tim says brightly, nudging Jason's side with a careful look, "What's your name?"

"How about your brother first?"

"...Thomas," Jason huffed.

"Why are you two out here all alone? Where are your parents?"

"We were out on a walk," Tim nods, "Don't worry, we're safe! Our mom is expecting us, so we should really be on our way."

"You still haven't told us your name," he interrupts.

"Bright kid! You'd be great if you smiled more," and Tim's hand tightening around his arm was the only thing keeping him from brandishing his pocket knife and pulling a Damian, "my name is Derick Gleisner."

"It was nice meeting you, Mister Gleisner," Tim smiles, "I hope you have a good day!"

"You too, kid."

Jason allows Tim to lead them into the crowd. The pair losing the eyes against their back before heading toward Jason's child hood home.

"Robert Shawn," Tim hisses, barely loud enough for Jason to hear, "arrested on account of human and drug trafficking. Batman will find him six days from now and turn him in to the GCPD."

"You want to use him?" Jason replied tightly.

Tim, to Jason's chagrin, nods, "It's the fastest way, short of breaking into the manor, which would just raise their suspicions. If you want to do this another way, I don't mind."

"You already have plans in place, don't you?" Jason groaned, swatting at Tim's arm with a tired sigh. Tim gives him a side-long look, and Jason's question was promptly answered.

They reached the house a minute later, and Jason pushes open the door with his spare key.

"Mom, I'm home!" he calls, freezing as he received no response, "...Mom?"

Tim freezes suspiciously beside him before cursing under his breath, "Jason!"

"What?" he snaps.

"You were here last time, right?" Tim says softly, "You were home."

Jason nods jerkily, dread pooling in his chest as he sees Tim's expression pinch in worry.

He tears away, the carpet bunching under his feet as he scrambles toward the kitchen.

"MOM?" he calls. She wasn't in the kitchen. Maybe her room? "MOM! MOM, WHERE ARE YOU?"

Jason shoves open the door, scrambling at the doorknob in his haste. He bursts in only to see Catherine slumped over on the floor.

This- this wasn't supposed to fucking happen yet! What the FUCK.

He screamed. His knees aching as he lunged forward to grapple with his mom's body. Her skin cold and limbs stiff- his mom- his mom.

Shit- what- this wasn't supposed to happen yet! It- it was august, she wasn't supposed to die until february. God DAMNIT.

"I've called the ambulance," Tim says from the doorway, "Jay..."

"Shut UP. SHUT. UP," Jason screams, shoving his forehead against chilled cold skin as hot tears burned against his eyes, "Mom...This- this wasn't supposed to happen yet! Tim- what- why?"

"It's... it's most likely because of the disparities between timelines," his brother says, somehow making his technical blabber sound fucking sympathetic, "i think in this timeline, since you weren’t here to stop whatever from happening…”

“…Fuck,” he hisses, flinching slightly as he hears sirens wail in the distance.

“Do you need some time alone?” Tim asks hesitantly.

Jason grits his teeth. He- he doesn’t want to leave her alone- but, but damnit, Tim. Knowing the stupid little fucker would skitter off and do something so utterlyfucking effective yet idiotic. He sucks in a breath, “Just- just give me a sec, kid. I- i need to say goodbye…”

“Okay. Take your time…”

-----

Part 1, 2, 4

and the directory

[tomboy014]

The Prince's

So, I hadn’t originally planned on doing anything for Dani, but this post from @aziraphale-is-a-cats-a-cat got me thinking about things, and I ended up writing this.

So, while the men of the Justice League are trying to figure out who Dani is a clone of, Wonder Woman takes one look at the black haired, blue eyed, mischievous girl and can’t help but see herself in her and claim, “Mine.”

The rest of the League try, but there’s no arguing with Diana now that she’s set her mind on something, but Bruce and Clark have kids and know it’s not as easy as it looks to take care of them.  She’s only ever been the “fun aunt;” she’s never had to get into the dirty, exhausting parts of parenthood before.  It escalates to a full-blown argument, but if Dani has any say in it, she’d rather chill at Wonder Woman’s place for a while.  It sounds better than staying in some gross cave or ice castle, and space isn’t her thing (the same way it’s Danny’s), so she’d rather not stay in the Watchtower.

Arguments about clones and custody continue over the next few weeks, not helped by the fact that Dani is still pretty unconcerned about the whole situation.  Or, she was unconcerned until Vlad showed up.  He’d decided enough was enough and it was long past time he collect his property.

It only takes a single scream.

Diana bursts into the room, fist connecting with Vlad’s jaw, and he’s knocked across the room.

“Don’t.  Touch.  My child.”

She proceeds to hand his ass to him on a bronze platter before he flees into the night, bruised and bloody.

Now it’s Dani’s turn to latch onto Diana’s leg, shouting “Mine!”  This is her new, kick-ass mommy and no one else can have her.  Dibs!  No take backs!  Well, it’s settled, now.  Diana is officially Dani’s mom, and no member of the JLA can stop it.  She scoops Dani up in her arms, and before she’s even out the door, she’s already telling the other Amazon’s the good news and making plans to take Dani to Themyscira to meet her γιαγιά Hippolyta. 

The two work on figuring out family life, and all’s good for a while.  Dani’s got a (relatively) stable home life and is quickly adapting to life as “Danielle Prince.”  She likes that the name sounds similar to Diana’s, like it was on purposeful choice rather than a cheap knockoff of her original’s name, and she’s getting a lot more comfortable with it.  Bruce, thoroughly defeated and resigned to put away the adoption papers, helps her enroll is a good school and finds tutors to catch her up on the years of schooling she didn’t live through.  (This includes Jason Todd, who has volunteered himself as an excuse to hang out with Wonder Woman more.)  Louis helps her get legal paperwork and documents for Dani (something she helped do for Kon).  She makes friends with Damian and Jon.  And she’s just as skilled as Danny with language, so she’s picking up Greek rapidly.

Since Diana’s adopted her and she’s gained an army of superpowered babysitters, Dani is finally starting to feel comfortable enough to share some information with the League.  It’s not much, but she lets them know Plasmius is the one who cloned her, and her last name used to be Fenton.

Oh, no.  Between those colors and facial features, Clark has a pretty good guess at which Fenton family she came from.  Still, the family is enormous, so he doesn’t know which Fenton exactly was cloned, but the family reunion is this year, and wouldn’t hurt to give Dani a bigger support system.  Would she and Diana like to come?

Vlad, meanwhile, has recovered and is pissed.  After shadowing Wonder Woman from a healthy distance, he finds out she’s supermodel Diana Prince.  Plasmius may not have been a match for Wonder Woman, but billionaire Vlad Masters is more than capable of taking some supermodel down a peg or two.

So, he approaches Diana at work, telling her he knows who she is and that he wants his “daughter” back.  His “minion” might not have been a match for her, but if she refuses to comply, he’ll ruin her career.

And she laughs.  Laughs right in his face.  Loudly.  Because she knows he’s bluffing.  A billionaire and supermodel isn’t anything new as far as the media is concerned; it’s a cliché.  But a deadbeat billionaire dad threatening to steal back an illegitimate child from an abandoned single mother?  After years of not paying any child support?  The media would eat something like that right up.  Something that could drop stock prices and ruin political careers.  That’s something anyone would be desperate to keep hushed up and out of the media spotlight, and she’ll drag him kicking and screaming into said spotlight if he comes anywhere near her daughter.  Or maybe the media would prefer to know the real story about his illegal cloning?  After all, that went over so well for Lex Luthor. 

Vlad leaves, and Diana makes a few calls.  First, she makes sure Clark heard everything in that conversation and sets him on the warpath against DalvCo if need be.  She gets Bruce up to speed, and if there’s one thing he’s in the best position to do, it’s to hit Vlad where it really hurts: his wallet.  Vlad was already a pretty scummy businessman.  Wayne Enterprises didn’t need much of an excuse to cancel or back out of business deals with him.

But Diana is still shaken up by the event, even if she’s not going to let it show.  Right now, she wants to send Dani away to Themyscira behind a wall of Amazons where she knows no one will be able to touch her, but Bruce and Louis talk her down.  Dani’s finally settling into a normal-ish life, and uprooting her now will not help her, and if push comes to shove, trying to whisk her away will not look good to the courts.  Louis knows a great lawyer, and Bruce is willing to foot the bill.

For Vlad, that did not go as expected at all.  He hadn’t expected her to know Danielle was a clone, and he doesn’t want Danielle to be public knowledge.  However, he has no intention of getting lawyers involved; she’d be expecting that.  No, he has something far more insidious planned.  It’s been decades since he’s attended one, but the Fenton Family Reunion should be coming up soon, and as far at that family is concerned, once a Fenton, always a Fenton.  She’s prepared to fight lawyers?  Well, Let’s see how she fares against an army of angry grandparents and disapproving aunts demanding that his poor child be returned to him once he sets the family on the warpath.

[on-leatheredwings]

i've found your account only a few days ago but ever since then I've been STUCK here rereading your fanfics, especially ones with damian. i wasn't even a dc fan (heard about some stuf, watched some films and cartoons, but that's it) but now im reading comics since im Obsessed and need more batboys in my life (rip my productivity😔)

Anyway, after Sleepover i'm curious what will Bruce (and maybe even Thalia) think of batboys strange behaviour towards reader. He's smart, so he definitely notices it early on, but how he'll react....

I can see him being weirded out (like he was by Jason's anger issues, before his death), but he also can be an enabler, since Robin (literaly any of them) had a hard life, so if those relationships can help him why not pretend that everything is normal? you'll be safer in a Wayne's Manor anyway

All in all, thanks for a new hyperfixation 💞💞

P.s. About games:

1. Boyfriend to death 1&2 - since you're into yanderes you might want to check this game out. I prefer the second game, but the first is also fun. But beware the trigger warnings!!

2. Long live the Queen - more of a raising sim than dating sim but you still can romance some guys and girls.

,3. Hatoful Boyfriend - mostly a comedy, but there is a yandere.

4. The Royal Trap - it's been a long time since i played it, but it used to be one of my favorites so i'll just mention it.

5. Higurashi - once again not really a romance sim, but its an interesting horror mixed with a slice of life

;A; AWWWW THANK YOU IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKE MY STUFF.... THAT MAKES ONE OF US GIJSDOFAFGHFOJDSD

and yes yes get into DC!!! (girl who hasnt even read a full run since like. injustice)

damn now you got me thinking and excited. incoming spiel

i agree entirely about bruce just knowing how Bad things can get, so to make things simpler, he's like "yes, your darling(s) can stay in the manor, boys. 🙄"

mmm yes..... when it comes to bruce noticing the batboys are yandere, i think it's always sinfully delightful to just have him be reluctantly okay with it. 😈 it's also easier narratively ngl but i also like the idea that the batfam is all just corrupted.

bruce's thoughts are that they (his sons) fight for vengeance and justice but this is where they could use some leeway.... we all need our vice... they fight so hard for gotham, they deserve a little treat (getting rid of your human rights)... it's very "Dad who wants his sons to have happiness even if its not healthy" of him. in fics where bruce is a yandere, well, he's the exact same way so he can't judge. although if that's the case, i like the idea of bruce just being like "yes what we do isn't right. let's not talk about it. just don't kill <3"

still wondering what i like more. a yan!bruce who's self aware what he's doing is wrong but he just refuses to think about it. or a yan!bruce that justifies it all because of his paranoia, Tower of Babel style (if you don't know, that's when it's revealed batman has plans to subdue/kill the justice league just in case they go rogue.)

for the batboys depends on their personality... for damian, he's so resolute in things that i prefer when he just believes 100% what he's doing is okay, if not actually righteous. ^_^

hmmm talia.... I'M STILL UNSURE HOW I PREFER THAT AS WELL... i think talia being a you-arent-good-enough-for-my-son mom is a little cliche but also. she kinda would say that. you'd have to prove your worth somehow but idk how tf darling would do that LOL. in the end, i think talia is just relieved/comforted that her son indeed feels desire and wants love and will continue the family legacy (regardless if youre afab/can biologically have children.)

no THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!! AND THANKS FOR RECS!!!! heheh yeah ive checked out btd and im not averse to the warnings its more like im not that most of into the designs ngl. fox guy seems cute? AND LMAO FUNNY BC IM ON A HIGURASHI REWATCH (never played it tho)

[messedupfan]

Benefits of Car Troubles| 6

Summary: Jules relapse causes unwanted stress for Leigh and Y/n worries for her and the baby. And Y/n gets an unexpected visitor.

A/N: If you think you've read chapter 6 for this story before... No you didn't because I just posted it. This is chapter 6. Enjoy!

Masterlist | All Stories Taglist | One Two Three Four Five

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thump, thump.

Thump, thump.

You smile as you hear the healthy heartbeat of the baby growing in Leigh’s womb from the speakers on the monitor. “I never get tired of hearing that,” you say as you hold Leigh's hand. The two of you are at another appointment to monitor the baby's growth and health. So far every appointment has gone smoothly and this one is no different. 

“I will say, in my thirty years as a doctor, I have never heard a stronger heartbeat than this one. The two of you should be proud,” the doctor says. And although you're sure she is just saying that to be nice, part of you wants to believe that your baby has the strongest heartbeat ever. 

“Thank you, doctor,” Leigh smiles as she sits up. “I have been under some stress lately and it relaxes me a bit to know that it's nothing he or she can't handle.” 

“Hold on now, stress is not good for either you or the baby. I highly recommend that, if you can of course, you remove yourself from any high stressors until after you give birth. Okay?” 

“Yes ma’am,” Leigh agrees as she wipes the gel off of her belly. 

“And you better help her,” the doctor says to you. 

“I will do my best, doc. Thank you,” you say as you help Leigh down from the observation bed. As you leave the office you can't help but be concerned about whatever is stressing Leigh out and be confused that she hasn't mentioned anything to you about it. “I didn't know that you were stressed out,” you start as you hold the passenger door open for her. 

Leigh sighs and waits for you to get inside of the car. “It’s silly stuff that's all,” she says and you tell her that nothing is silly if it's bothering her so much. “I'm just, I'm scared of being a terrible mother. And there are so many ways a baby could die. I'm just. It's overwhelming sometimes. Then there's my divorce, which isn't going well, at all! I still get sick at night or wake up with intense cravings that keep me up sometimes! And my mom and Jules are arguing again because Jules relapsed and we have no idea what set her off. We thought she was fine after her break up with Estelle! Not only has her drinking gotten out of hand but she comes home late at night and usually has company. If she's not keeping me up that way it's because she's stuck somewhere and needs me to pick her up and I'm just really tired and I-”

“Move in with me,” you interrupt her rant. 

“What?” She freezes at your statement. 

“Before you say no again, please really consider your health here. Leigh, you don't need the stress and you really need the rest. I'm not a terrible roommate and honestly, with you getting closer to your third trimester it'd make me feel more comfortable being near you at all times. I don't want to miss the birth of our child. And I'm even willing to get up in the middle of the night to cater to your cravings.” You try to sell the idea to Leigh. 

“I don't know,” she says as she considers the idea. “Your place is the perfect single person apartment, I don't know if it's big enough for the two of us.” Leigh rubs her belly as she continues to think. “Even if it does somehow fit us, there's no way it's meant for three and I definitely don't want to live somewhere that is so hazardous for the baby.” 

“I guess this is another one of those before pregnancy conversations huh?” You half heartedly joke about the situation. She shoots you a glare and you hold your hands up with an apology. “I just completely forgot about living situations during this whole thing. I never expected you to take care of the baby by yourself in your mother's house but I never thought about us living in my apartment together,” you admit as you try to think about something better. 

“It’s okay, I'm not exactly sure what I expected to happen either. But the idea of having my mom around to help me is very comforting and I'm not sure I can do this without her,” Leigh says. 

“I get that, but it sounds like she already has her hands full with your sister. Not to mention how unhelpful having her around would be. If you can't sleep because of Jules, I don't see how the baby will,” you point out.

“What do we do?” Leigh asks, unable to conjure a solution. 

You grab her hand and kiss her knuckles. “I don't know but we can think about it some more. We have time,” you promise her. She thanks you for trying to take care of her. “Let's get something to eat before I drop you off. Anything you've been craving today?” 

Leigh's eyes light up and you laugh as you start the car and get ready to take her to the fast food places that she wants to combine. 

Later that week, after some convincing, you spend the night at Leigh's house to see how bad the situation really is and wake up at three in the morning to her phone ringing. You answer it before she wakes up as well and feel frustrated when you can hardly hear Jules through the booming music. You take your phone from where it was charging and locate her from the tracking app that you and Leigh worked together on installing without her knowledge. 

You kiss Leigh’s temple as she snores softly in her sleep and leave a little note on her nightstand. You get in your car and drive an hour away to where Jules is. When you arrive, you are grumpy because by the time you get back, you have to go to work. You park and lock your car as you search for Jules in the sea of people having a good time at four in the morning. When you do find Jules it's because you hear chanting and you find her doing a keg stand. You help the two guys that were holding her upside down put her back on her feet and she is disappointed for a moment until she realizes that you're the one that put an end to her fun. 

She jumps you with a tight hug but you are in no mood to reciprocate. “Come on, I don't have a lot of time,” you say as you pick her up in a bridal style in order to keep her from running off. “Let’s get you home.”

“Thank you, Y/n,” she slurs as she nuzzles against your chest. “My mom or sister would have been so pissed but it wasn't my idea to come out here! I swear!”

You keep your mouth shut as you get her into the backseat. On the way back to Leigh's house, you have to stop by a coffee drive thru in order to continue driving safely. You offer to order for Jules but are only met with obnoxious snores and mumbles of sleep gibberish. You continue your drive listening to your playlist and when you get to Leigh's house the sun is starting to rise. 

You carry Jules all the way to her room and tuck her in before returning to Leigh's bedroom. You watch her sleep with a soft smile and write her another note before you leave for work.

While you work you and Teddy take turns looking through listings online in Leigh's neighborhood to see if there is anything available that Leigh might be okay with living in. So that she could have her mom close to her while allowing the two of you to have the space and privacy that you need. The two of you pick out three listings and you send the links to Leigh to get her opinion on them.

In the evening, while you're getting ready to go back to Leigh's house, there is a knock on your apartment door. You frown as you run through the list of people that could be at your door and brace yourself as you open the door. You relax slightly when you see your father. But only slightly. 

“Tell me why I had to hear it from someone else that you're having a baby,” he says as he steps past you. 

You clench your jaw as you curse to yourself, another thing that slipped through the cracks. “I’m sorry dad, it has been a rollercoaster. I meant to call I just… it's been really tough balancing my life and hers and it's a complicated-”

“I want to meet her,” he interrupts.

“What?” 

“She’s having my grandchild and I don't know her name. I don't even know what she looks like,” he makes valid points and the guilt starts to eat at you more. Before he decided to expand the business and open several more locations in order to make more profits, the two of you worked side by side. The two of you were close. He knew everything that there was to know about your life. Then he gave you control over this location and he put his focus on the expansion of the company. The two of you grew distant. Only ever talking about business. “How long have you been with this girl? Are you going to do the right thing and marry her? Are you ready for this kind of commitment?”

You sit down on the sofa as you try to hold yourself together. Lying to your father wasn't something that you knew how to do. But you knew that telling him the truth was going to lead to disappointment. You never wanted to disappoint your father. In the time that you were making the decisions that lead to Leigh becoming pregnant, you never ever thought you'd have to explain yourself to someone. Well, other than Teddy. You certainly didn't think you'd have to explain yourself to your father. It was never supposed to go this far. 

“I love her, dad,” you say after you tell him the complete story of how you and Leigh came to be. 

Your dad clenches his jaw as he processes. “I raised you better than to go after a kept woman.” 

“Really, dad, kept woman? That's not-”

“She was married! You knew better!” He raises his voice. You clamp your mouth shut. “You should have never gone after her. But you did and now we're here. You're going to be a parent and I'm proud that you're accepting responsibility. But I am disappointed in how this came to be.” He shakes his head and sighs. “Do you have the paternity results? My lawyer will need those in case her husband tries to pull something that could negatively affect you or even this company.”

You are quiet for a moment before you tell him that she hasn't taken a paternity test yet. “I’ve read online that those tests aren't safe for the baby when they're in utero. If it's that important, we'll get one done after the birth.” 

Your father stands from where you had him sit as you told him the story. “You accepted responsibility for a child that may or may not be yours?” 

“Dad, I love Leigh. That child is without a doubt in my mind, my child. Even if he or she or they comes out without my genetics, that baby will still be mine-”

“Ah ha! So you do have doubts!” Your father interrupts. 

“No! I'm just trying to tell you how much she and this baby means to me! I'm looking for a house and-and maybe I'll even look into getting a ring if that's what she wants. I don't know! What I do know is that she and the baby are my family now and I hope you can accept that.” 

Your father looks you up and down and then nods once. “Okay, I will. That's what you want, I'm here for you. So when can I meet my daughter-in-law?” He asks again. 

“Uh I was actually about to head over to her house. I can ask if she's up for meeting you tonight,” you offer. 

“No, no, I don't want it to be a last minute thing. I don't want to put that kind of pressure on the poor girl. Here's what I think we should do. You invite her and her family over to my house for dinner on Sunday evening. Under these circumstances, I prefer to host because she's creating my grandchild and she doesn't need to worry about a menu for me and a presentable home. How does that sound?”

You nod along, agreeing with his plan. “Yeah, I will invite them to Sunday dinner. I'm sorry again for taking so long to tell you about all of this.” 

“It’s okay Y/n, you're an adult now. You don't have to run your decisions outside of the company by me. I love you,” he pulls you in for a tight hug. You return the sentiment and hold him just as tight. 

You catch up with him as you walk him out to his car before you part ways to get in your car to go to Leigh's house. It was nice to be able to chat with him like before. You hadn't realized how much you missed him until you had to say goodbye to him. 

Once you get to the Shaw residence you immediately tell Leigh about the dinner with your father and she happily accepts, excited to get to know your father. Then the two of you talk about the houses you sent her and she tells you that she already sent emails in order to make appointments to tour the homes. “So we're really doing this?” You ask her with hopeful eyes. 

She nods with love in hers, “Yes, we're doing this. We're going to find a home for our family,” she takes your hand and places it on her belly. “It’s what is meant to be.” 

“I love you,” you kiss her on the lips and pull her closer to you. 

“Mmm, I love you too,” she kisses you back.

Seven

Taglist: @princessprudy @sayah13 @agaymilflover @awkwardmandalorian @bentleywolf29 @thatshyboy1998 @artisannat @thisischaismagic @wqndanat @madamevirgo @likefirenrain @tearsofglitter @feltlikethat @the-writer-arcane @natashasilverfox @karsonromanoff @aloneodi @lovelyy-moonlight @red1culous @jovialsublimecomputer @natasha-maximoff @iliketozoneout @doudouneverte @druggedduck @notbornbutforged @when-wolves-howl @lifespectator @justyourwritter69 @wandaromamoff69 @awesomelygayasf @nekoannie-chan @diaryoflife @wuwu96 @wandanats-goodgirl @sincerely-indi @blueredg52 @sisiwritesfanfics @fuzzyuniversityeclipsefriend @arcturusseer @scarlettwidow34 @chasethemoon @raven-ss @canyonyodeler @sokovianbaby

[myohmine]

Taylor Swift’s TTPD Song Theory: The Alchemy

I believe The Alchemy is about Karlie Kloss showing up at the Eras Tour postpartum, while Travis Kelce is another red herring.

He’s a counterfeit; She is 24 karat magic in the air~

This is Taylor writing from Karlie’s perspective:

The Alchemy

This happens once every few lifetimes.

It’s how IVF works. Not all embryos get implanted. Not all pregnancies are viable. (Higher miscarriage rate than traditional conception). It feels like a miracle when it results in a healthy baby.

These chemicals hit me like white wine./He jokes that it’s HEROIN but this time with an ‘E’

Epidural used to assist childbirth can make you feel drowsy. That’s where the ‘E’ comes from. Mama also had to give up white wine due to pregnancy, so she hadn���t felt tipsy in a while.

Heroin + e = Heroine

Taylor in Don’t Blame Me: My drug is my baby I’ll be using for the rest of my life

Reputation muse is her heroine.

Also, how sweet it is to call your wife a heroine for giving birth to your child. I’m grinning from ear-to-ear every time I hear this line.

What if I told you I'm back?

The hospital was a drag

Worst sleep that I ever had

This is Karlie showing up at The Eras Tour concert only days postpartum.

I circled you on a map

Confirming that she was a muse for reputation. (End Game: I buried hatchets but I keep maps of where I put them.)

Or, even sweeter interpretation: They drew circle around their baby in the ultrasound pictures taken during pregnancy. Taylor’s baby in Karlie’s tummy. That’s the most adorable mental picture ever.

I haven't come around in so long

But I'm coming back so strong

Remember Karlie at the reputation tour? That was after kissgate and love blackout. So many people were saying they hated each other then. And so many people mocked her for coming to the Eras Tour. How strong is she that she refused to let anything stop her from coming to support Taylor? Not the public opinions, nor recent childbirth can stop this mother.

So when I touch down

The continuation of Call It What You Want: My baby’s fly like a jet stream

Call the amateurs

I’m biased and think this line is about Swifties who chased Easter Eggs but couldn’t see Karlie embed into the heart and soul of Taylor’s songs.

And cut 'em from the team

bridges burn, I never learned

Ditch the clowns, get the crown

All the jokers dressing up as king

Baby I'm the one to beat

This is so cute. Taylor wrote from Karlie’s perspective here and really said Karlie KNOWS with absolute certainty that she is the King of My Heart.

Cause the sign on your heart

Said it's still reserved for me

Again with the ‘Karlie knows I am in love with her so utterly and completely, always

Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

And the sweetest thing about this being from Karlie’s pov is that, she already made damn sure Taylor knows, that Karlie doesn’t blame her at all for the bearding/fake love for the crowd. That’s how Taylor gets the confidence to write this whole song in such a way that could be attributed to the guy on the chief. He’s not the real muse, like the alchemy that doesn’t make real gold.

Hey you, what if I told you we're cool?

That child's play back in school

Is forgiven under my rule

This is Karlie at the Eras Tour responding to Taylor’s inability to hide how smitten she was for Karlie, especially during ‘betty’ performance. James is down bad.

I haven't come around in so long

But I'm making a comeback to where I belong

Again a reiteration of Karlie showing up to support Taylor at her concerts since 1989 to reputation tour, and now The Eras Tour. It’s as reassuring as the repeating chorus. But do you know what changes? The two lines about giving birth to IVF baby that she opens and closes the song with. In the beginning, there’s only one leading vocal. At the end, there are two vocals in harmonies. Like how Taylor and Karlie have transitioned from being moms of one kid to two kids. And they’ve been so in love through it all.

These blokes warm the benches

We been on a winning streak

Once again with the reassurance. Karlie made sure that Taylor knows no matter how much bearding they have to do, the love they have for each other never wanes.

Shirts off,

The many outfits change Taylor does in every concert.

and your friends lift you up over their heads

I Did Something Bad Choreography: Go ahead and light me up.

Beer sticking to the floor

Shout out to swifties drunk on alcohol AND fun during the concert

Cheers chanted,

ONE, TWO, THREE, LET’S GO BITCH among many others

‘cause they said

There was no chance, trying to be the greatest in the league

Again, with reference to reputation era and how Taylor was not the mass media’s favorite at all, at the time.

Where's the trophy?

Not Taylor calling herself Karlie’s trophy wife. HAHAHAHAHAHAHSJK

He just comes running over to me

James is still just as down bad for Betty now as ever.

Thank god for Travis’s team winning, otherwise this sweetest song would’ve been scrapped for being too obviously not about him.

[succulentlesbians]

Nat dying in endgame isn't canon? Her and Yelena are out living their sex in the city fantasy and bonding and making up for all the time that was stolen away from them :) I'm also rereading your fic again :D I'm deeply curious to know what it looks like from Yelena's pov, I've just gotten to the part where they've gotten on the plane but god just. The conversation about Hive. Tfw the one bright spot in your life is most equipped to understand you. But god it hurts they went through that too. </3

nat dying in endgame is absolutely so not canon To Me. her and yelena are out having the time of their lives, don't know how anyone could think differently.

saw you say curious about yelena pov and was like hmm what small tidbit could i give you that would be fun?

umm. rewrite of hive conversation, yelena pov:

Yelena turns to look at Daisy. Her arms are horribly discolored above her wraps and she's holding them precariously against her body as she lies on the bed, trying to prevent more pain.

Yelena hates it. This was avoidable, absolutely. Yelena could've taken out every person in that warehouse herself and they should both know that. Daisy is a spy now, she has to know that she needs to stay healthy. Doesn't she want to be healthy?

Yelena reaches out near unconsciously to Daisy's arm, as if she can make everything better though magic. She wishes she could.

"You don't have to tell me why," she says, "but I don't like seeing you hurt." She's not going to force Daisy into anything, but she needs to make her opinion clear that seeing Daisy in pain makes her hurt too.

She wraps her arm around Daisy's torso, hoping to offer comfort.

Daisy lets the silence go a for minute. "When I got my powers," she says finally, "I thought I was cursed."

She must have had to learn to control them. Now, Yelena can clearly see that she knows what she's doing. She hopes Daisy didn't kill anyone she didn't want to in her practice. She's not got much confidence in SHIELD, but they have to have better training practices than the Red Room.

“But I was convinced they were a gift by the other Inhumans.  And even when my mom died, I believed that I could do something good with the gift I’d been given."

Her mom had died? Another thing they have in common. Another unfortunate thing to have in common.

The rest of her words, that's the Daisy that Yelena knows. That's the girl she met who convinced her of good people in the world. Daisy is always looking for ways to help.

"So I kept working with SHIELD.  And—”

Daisy's voice cracks.

What happened to her? What made her hurt like this? If it's not already gone, Yelena is going to hunt it down and slaughter it. With delight. Great delight. And with excruciating pain.

"There was a thing with this bitch-ass octopus-looking fucker.  Hive.  He could do this thing to Inhumans—" he could do this thing to me, Yelena fills in with a sense of dawning horror— "where he made you feel like obeying him was the only thing you ever wanted to do in life.  Like there was something missing from your life and he could provide it.  Something to do with our brain chemicals, I don’t know the details.”

Yelena can't stop herself from a sharp inhale. It's obvious what happened.

Fucking mind control.

It sounds even worse than her own. Yelena, at least, hadn't been infatuated with Dreykov. She didn't know what her own feelings were all the time, if they were even real, but she knows it wasn't like that. She'd had uncharitable thoughts about Dreykov, even if she knew she'd never be able to hurt him. She'd at least had that choice. That Daisy hadn't is horrific. Absolutely horrific. Forced excitement to be enslaved is quite frankly, the worst thing Yelena can think of.

Daisy continues in a hushed voice. "I almost killed everyone. I hurt them.  Badly.  I threatened them.  Everyone in his path, I cleared."

It’s all the more devastating for someone like Daisy who cares so much about people. Someone who built up relationships with everyone she met, who did her absolute best to connect with them. It’s brutal.

Yelena grew up with killing. For better or for worse, she's generally unfazed by it. But Daisy? She may have changed from when she was Skye, but there's no way that death doesn't drag on her mind.

"When we finally took him down, good people died." Her voice wobbles dangerously. Her eyes begin to glisten as she fights tears. "So now I’m out here, trying to make up for everything I’ve done.  For all of the hurt I gave out.  The suffering I’ve caused.  And if it hurts?  It’s worth it.  And… maybe I deserve it.”

The worst part is, she sounds convinced of her words. Daisy genuinely believes she deserves it. The pain she's feeling right now, she thinks she deserves it.

It's complete bullshit.

Yelena could understand if there was no other option, that Daisy would need to use her powers. But she doesn't. So the only reason she's doing it is a misguided sense that she was somehow in charge of her actions while being mind controlled and therefore needs to suffer. Again, complete bullshit.

For someone as good as Daisy, just the fact that her body committed the action is enough to incriminate herself in her mind.

She reaches out to grab Daisy's hand, needing the comfort. Wanting to give comfort.

If there's one thing she's locked onto after getting free, it's that she was not in control of her body. Maybe she can extend that to Daisy.

"It's not your fault," she says as firmly as she can. "It wasn't us. It wasn't our choice. It wasn't your choice, Daisy."

A solitary tear begins to roll down Daisy's face. "But I did it. And I felt happy about it."

Hive, Yelena knows, is dead. She was able to find out that much. In the back of her mind, she's been stabbing him again and again. How could anyone do something like that to Daisy?

She recalls the emotionless state when she killed Oksana and the sudden onset of feeling afterward. She had gone from being glad to have completed her mission to abject horror as Oksana died in her arms.

She brushes the tears off of Daisy's cheek. "Even our emotions, they didn't belong to us." She won't ever forget the whiplash of that moment. But it reminds her— "But now they do. Now we can decide. We have our own thoughts and feelings."

Daisy tilts her head, ever so slightly. Indecision rolls across her face, crinkling her eyebrows. For a brief second, Yelena is reminded of her mother, comforting her just as she is comforting Daisy now. She would knit her eyebrows together like that too as she thought of what to do.

"You've been so brave. You’ve held onto this pain for so long.  It’s made you strong."

Pain only makes you stronger, Mama had told her the day she died. Yelena has held onto those words. She's been through so much and it's made her stronger. She's come out the other side of everything.

“Those things happened and they can’t be taken back."

There's a lot that Yelena's done that she could regret now and Oksana's death is at the top of the list. There's plenty of other deaths that cross her mind. She has to put that behind her. Oksana... she'll complete her dying request. She'll free the Widows. But she's going to experience being free too.

"But it’s okay to let it go.  It’s okay to want good things for yourself.  It’s okay to live your life.” 

It has to be okay. It wasn't her fault. She didn't choose any of her past. She can choose her future. She's going to choose her future. She's figured out contacting Daisy, she can figure out the rest of it too.

“We’re our own people now.”

Daisy's face crumples and she bursts into tears, turning to bury her face in Yelena's shoulder. Yelena strokes gently at her back.

"It was supposed to be me," Daisy mutters quietly. "Why wasn't it me?"

Yelena has no idea what she's talking about. It sounds like something she should disagree with on principle based on the other thoughts Daisy has been having about herself, but she's not going to act without knowing more. And she's pushed Daisy enough tonight. Getting the seeds in there is as far as she'll go.

So she doesn't say anything else that might bring up bad memories for Daisy. Instead, she starts to sing an old Russian lullaby, one that Mama had sang to her as a child. She waits as Daisy sinks into sleep, dried tears tracks on her face, before she dares to drift off herself, carefully holding Daisy. She's not going to let her do this alone. Not anymore.

[maibabbling]

An Essay About Kousuke

Sharing it here too because why not.

______________________________________________________________

I’m a sucker for grey characters.

He’s really interesting and personally, he’s my favorite. I love him so much.

And to all of the Kousuke haters who’s going to come at me.

No, I’m not saying he’s innocent. He did do horrible things, treated those around him horribly, teared Nol down, tried to sabotage him at every opportunity and the list goes on.

Neglect, abuse, and trauma do NOT justify his actions. But you’ve got to understand that from his point of view, they WERE justified. In his mind, he did the right thing. He was protecting himself, his family, and the company.

From a young age, Yui told him that everyone is out to get them, everyone will use them, take advantage of them, that he can’t trust anyone but her. She ingrained this sense of fear, of paranoia inside him ever since he was a kid. She crafted in him this twisted belief.

She took advantage of his starving for love and turned it into something so devious, so harmful. She made sure that Kousuke saw Nol as an enemy, an intruder who wanted to leech off them with his mom. A competitor who wanted to take what was rightfully his. She made him fear the only person who ever gave him the healthy, unconditional love he always earned for. She made him think that he was unworthy of his father’s attention and love, that he needed to work harder in order to deserve it, that he needed to be just like him.

So he stuffed down these needs, these passions, these emotions and worked as hard as he could to reach Rand, to make him look his way.

And now look at him as he is an adult, he’s paranoid of everyone, always on edge, anxious,  can’t adapt to stressful situations, unable to manage healthily his emotions and can’t function properly on his own.

You can placate the person, but not their emotions, nor their needs, and certainly not their mental state.

I’m worried for what’s coming for him, his future is nothing but bleak.

With the way it’s heading, I can assure you that Kousuke will go THROUGH IT. It will only go downhill for him from now on. How will he manage to cope? How can he? He doesn’t even know HOW TO. The only coping mechanism he thought worked (aka eating sweets) wasn’t actually ever one.

How will he cope with the realization that it wasn’t the sweets that calmed him, but the drugs that Yui, his own MOTHER, fed him through it? How do you even manage to come in term with the knowledge that your own MOTHER, the one who’s supposed to love you, to protect you, has been drugging you for many years, if not your entire life? That she’s been manipulating you and using you all this time? Add to that the fact that your reality is based on an entire lie.

The utter betrayal at him finally realizing what a wretch Yui actually is is crushing him and will continue to do so.

Now WHO is he supposed to trust?  How does he know they’re not in cahoots with his mom? Even his chef was on it. If he can’t trust his own hired help, then who can he?

I really hope he won’t distance himself from Hansuke as an attempt to protect him from Yui because he's the only one he has right now and I don't want to see what will happen if he isolates himself from him.

I do believe that he’ll move to Japan to take up the CFO position during the 4 years timeskip as a way to get himself away from Yui. But OF COURSE she’ll use this as a mean to isolate him further, to make him rely solely on her. His vulnerability will make things easier for her to play the perfect role of “Mother Dearest”.

Honestly I won’t be surprised if she decides to pay him “surprise visits” with the fake pretense of “checking up on him”. That’s so messed up because that means that in addition to the self-hatred, guilt and emotional turmoil, Kousuke will have to live in literal fear and paranoia of his mother popping out of nowhere in his house, even in Japan.

(Seriously imagine how traumatic it’ll be to go home and find the very person who drugged you, whom you were trying so hard to get away of sitting on the couch of your living room with a cup of tea in their hands.)

She could use this fear as a mean to keep him under check, as a way to remind him that no matter how far he’ll try to run away, she’ll always manage to catch him. He’ll never be able to escape her grasp. Nothing good ever comes out of fighting against her. (That woman belongs in a horror movie hands down)

After all, the end justifies the means. For her, the final aim is so important that any way of achieving it is acceptable, any actions needed in order to reach that goal are justified, be it moral or not. Be it even drugging her own son, controlling every aspect of his life, and playing everyone around her like a fiddle. Even having Kousuke was probably in her own interest. She doesn’t feel an ounce of love for him. To her, he’s nothing more than a way to achieve what she wants, a pawn that she’d discard like nothing if proven useless.

I do wonder one thing. How is he going to hold on for 4 more years? Like HOW??? It hasn't even been one week and look at the state he's in. Wrapped up in a blanket like a wet cat. He can't cope. He doesn't know how to, so he's leaning towards alcoholism. (He'll parallel Sim-Han in way.)

He'll likely fall into depression, and live the next 4 years of his life miserable and haunted by his horrid and unjust treatment of Nol, by the fact that he caused someone's death, although indirectly, by not believing the girl who got SA'd.

We still don't know what EXACTLY happened back in his college days but we all agree that Yui had a big hand in it and is probably the one who staged it all in an attempt to bring back Kousuke, who started to get loose and act like a person of his age. She needed him to work for her, to become her loyal little knight again. To rub salt into the wound more effectively , she also released Nol from the mental health institution at the same time, reminding him that he can't let go. He doesn't have the right to.

How can he, when there's a threat to his position as the heir, to his father's attention and love?

So he came back to her, like a dog returning to its master. Everything turned out as she wanted, still, she needed to keep up the act, to feed him lie after lie. So what if she had to drug him in order to placate him? What of it? After all, she can do MUCH worse. She'll do anything to keep control.

What has me worrying the most is his reaction to the fact that he is not Rand’s son. He is not Nol’s brother. He tormented Nol out of jealousy, fear that he’ll take his position as heir. Turns out that HE is the one who never even had the right to take up Rand’s position.

HE never even had the chance to have these features he desired so much.

HE is the one who tried to take something that was not rightfully his. HE worked towards an empty goal.

HE has no value without others approval, without his family’s name and the company’s.

HE is nothing.

He’ll have an identity crisis.

Am I able to see him go through all that? NO.

I want to protect him from that bald witch and throw him in therapy ASAP.

But yeah we’re not getting that anytime soon are we? Not until we pass all of our time skips.

It gets worse before it gets better. But that’s another level of worse.

I hope that in the end, once he’s been through it back and forth, and once he’s gotten years of good therapy, he’ll be able to heal and find his very own self. I hope that he’ll retake piano, an activity that he enjoys not for others; but for himself, something that’ll allow him to feel like a real person, something that’ll help him unleash his repressed emotions.

My lifelong wish is to see him SMILE again. I want to see him happy, I want to see him laugh and have fun from the bottom of his heart.

As for now, I guess I’m only going to see that in my dreams.

I'm going to excuse myself and cry in a corner.

SOB

[wrenreid]

Off Limits

contains: mentions of alcohol, angst, talk of virginity

Chapter Twenty-One

As much as I want to stay at this party to prove to Spencer (or really myself) that I’m fine after all that just happened, I leave pretty quickly after he does.

The uber drops me off at my dad’s apartment, well I guess it’s mine too now, and I try to get in as quietly as I possibly can. My efforts are quickly seen to be pointless when I nearly scream from shock at the sight of my father on the couch, mug in hand, laptop on his lap.

“Shit, Dad,” I breathe, holding my heart dramatically from the adrenaline of the shock.

“You’re really good at greeting people,” he jokes, but there’s no smile on his face or even in his eyes.

I lock the door and hang up my keys on the hook before slipping out of my shoes and leaving them by the door to be taken care of later.

“Everything okay?” I ask as I sit down next to him.

It’s well past midnight and the bags under his eyes are more prominent than before, so I already know the answer, and he knows that.

But he lies anyway. It must be instinct for him. “Yeah,” he nods, patting my knee for a second.

“Dad,” I raise my eyebrows giving him a look that lets him know I don’t want to hear his bullshit.

“You look just like your mother when you’re upset with me,” he says with a slight, unamused chuckle.

I frown, leaning my head on his shoulder. “I may be your kid, but I’m also an adult. You can talk to me.”

He rests his head on top of mine, kissing my temple like he used to do when I was young. “It’s just case work, bug. Nothing you need to worry about.”

Bug. He hasn’t called me that in years, maybe even a decade. When I was little, Mom would call be Jadie Bug which I pretended to hate because I did not want to be compared to a stink bug. My dad shortened it to just bug. Which I wasn’t too fond of but secretly loved.

“If you say so,” I sigh, not leaving his side. “You really should sleep. It’s not healthy to be up this late staring at a computer screen.”

“But it’s healthy to be up this late drinking?” His tone isn’t judgmental, just observant.

“My young body and mind is built for late nights. Yours, however, is not.”

“Are you calling me old?” A real chuckle releases from him.

“If the shoe fits, grandpa.”

“Ah. I better not be a grandpa anytime soon,” he grimaces.

“At this rate in my love life and school career, Jack will be the first of us to have kids.”

My dad smiles, ruffling my hair. “Good. You’re going to make an awesome lawyer, and although kids are amazing, I want you to focus on your career.”

“Trust me, Dad. I am,” I say with a slight grin.

It’s not like I’m ever going to move past second base with anyone at this point. Spencer pops into my head, and honestly, it just pisses me off.

“Do you regret having me so young?” I ask.

My father looks at me a little hurt. “Of course not. Having a baby made it hard to go to university, but I don’t regret having you at all. Neither did Haley.”

I nod, a faint smile on my face. “Get some sleep.” I kiss my father’s cheek quickly before getting off the couch and heading up to my room.

—

I honestly can’t believe that just happened. But I’m laying in bed with an anxiety and guilt ridden stomach ache with Jade not here, so it definitely did.

God, her face when she asked “What’s wrong with me?” Sent a dagger through my heart. She looked so hurt, confused.

And I did that. I never wanted to do that to anyone, especially not her. She’s Jade. She’s a precious gemstone. A perfect flower that needs to remain unplucked in order to continue to flourish. And she’s by boss’s daughter.

Every muscle in my body was screaming at me to turn around and not walk out of that house, but she wasn’t to be argued with. Her mind was set on her staying and me leaving. So I did.

I feel like such a fucking jackass. Not only did she think that somehow this is her fault, but I also can’t even begin to explain this whole situation to myself, let alone to her.

Every self righteous, carefully thought out bone in my body tells me that I can’t give into temptation. I can’t give into her.

I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like there’s always been that voice inside my head that yells at me when I even think something wrong. I’m a genius. A prodigy. Everything I do is supposed to be perfect. There’s no possible way that I could be what she needs, so I can’t ruin her.

I don’t call her until after the sun comes home. I’m hoping she got some rest. I don’t want to bother her because I know she’s upset, but I want to know she made it home okay.

She doesn’t answer. But at least the phone rings all four times, so at least she’s not declining my call. After the beep, I say, “Hey. I know you don’t want to talk after last night, but I wanted to know if you’re okay. Call me back… if you want to. Um, that’s all. Bye.”

I’d like to think she’s still asleep and that’s why she didn’t pick up, but I’m very aware of the possibility that she just didn’t want to talk to me. It’s understandable. I just wish I could fix this.

As much as I would rather focus on Jade right now, it’s pointless to dwell on last night when she won’t even talk to me. I also have work. Probably, hopefully, not a case. It should just be paperwork.

—

I would tease him for leaving a voicemail instead of texting like a normal twenty-something year old, but I’m not in the mood for teasing. I’m not in the mood to text him that I’m okay, and I’m definitely not in the mood to call him back.

I can’t be mad at him for not wanting to sleep with me, and I’m really not. I don’t really know what I’m feeling, but I do know that mad isn’t even close. I’m more so disappointed, I guess. Disappointed in the whole situation and in myself for getting drunk and practically begging him to fuck me. Which now that I’m really thinking about it is so wrong and embarrassing that I want to curl up in a hole and live there until I’m food for the worms to eat.

I know I was pretty drunk, but that doesn’t keep the embarrassment and recoil from twisting in my stomach. I think if 17 year old me had witnessed last night, she’d want to smother me with my pillow. Hell, I now want to smother myself with my pillow.

Even though I’m disgusted, embarrassed, and upset from last night, I still think he deserves the right to know I didn’t pass out in a pool of my own vomit at the party. Or worse.

So I text Spencer.

“I made it home fine. No need to worry.”

He’s at work, so I know he won’t see the message for a while.

Instead of beating myself up over last night, I put my energy into making Jack and myself breakfast.

“I’m glad to hear that. I know you probably, definitely, don’t want to talk to me… but can we please talk later?”

I sigh as I read the message on my phone.

“Bad news?” Jack asks like he’s some type of grown man reading my facial expressions.

“No,” I laugh softly, ruffling his hair. “Just a friend asking a favor.”

“What’s a favor?”

“It’s like when someone asks you to do something for them. Like if I were to ask you to put my plate in the sink.”

“Why would I do that?” He asks.

“Because I’m your big sister, and you love me.”

The kid shrugs and takes both of our plates to the sink. He can’t reach the faucet yet, but the effort is appreciated.

“Do you want to go out with us? I promised Jack I’d take him to Mr. Gatti’s tonight for pizza and games,” my father asks me when he’s home.

“Unfortunately, I will have to skip out on the stomach-destroying food and thousands of children running around,” I tell him.

“On the account of?”

“On the account of my sanity.”

He laughs, shrugging in understanding. “Want money to order out?”

“I would never turn down money, Dad.”

After an hour or so, my dad and brother leave to go to dinner. Knowing how much of a sucker my father is for the puppy dog eyes Jack has mastered the art of, thanks to me, they’ll be gone for at least two and a half hours.

There’s a knock on the front door, and I get up to answer it.

“Oh-” I’m a little shocked to see Spencer at my door. “I forgot to respond to your message, sorry.”

I’m not sure why I’m apologizing for that, but here I am.

“It’s okay. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. That um…”

I know what he’s going to say. “That we’re okay.” But are we?

“I’m okay, Spencer,” I tell him, nodding.

“I’m really sorry,” he says.

He’s the first to say it. Once again, I’m fucking stubborn.

“Yeah. Me too,” I say, not looking him in the eyes.

“You don’t have any-“

“Yes I do, Spencer. I really do.” I run my hands through my hair with a sigh. “Who the hell freaks out over someone not sleeping with them? I feel like some cocky frat boy.”

Spencer smiles softly, his dimples catching my attention. “You’re a lot prettier than a cocky frat boy. And smarter.”

“Not the point. I’m sorry for last night. For being a drunken idiot,” I tell him.

“I wasn’t exactly the smartest either. I’m sorry for making you feel shitty.”

I let him into the apartment, plopping down on the arm of the couch as he stays standing. “I never said I felt shitty,” I say, trying to make myself seem cooler and as if he doesn’t have an affect over me. But he gives me a look. “I hate you profilers so much.”

“Can we just move past this?” He asks, his hazel eyes filled with a bit of hope.

“I want to, Spencer. But I can’t help but think that this is because of me,” I tell him.

“Jade,” he sighs, his bottom lip drawn between his teeth.

“Just forget it,” I say, not wanting to put in the effort for this conversation.

“No,” he says. “You’re right. I just… I don’t know how to explain it without sounding-” Spencer stops talking. “It’s just that it would just seem weird because you’re a…”

Oh my god, he can’t even say it. I’m about to die of embarrassment. And anger.

“You said it wasn’t about me! If there’s something wrong with me, just fucking say it, Spencer.”

“You’re a virgin!”

I knew that’s what he was going to say, but it still stings.

“You don’t want me because I haven’t had sex before? That’s all kinds of fucked up, Spencer.”

“It’s not that… I- I can’t be your first. It would be so disappointing.”

My face contorts with confusion. Is he bullshitting me? “You’re worried about your performance?”

“No, Jade. I’m worried about not being what you expect,” he says, an expression I can’t quite read written all over his face. “I’m not what you need.”

“I don’t…” I take a breath, not even sure what the hell to say. “I don’t need anyone, Spencer. You’re right, you’re not what I need.”

His eyebrows pinch together and raise at the same time. He’s hurt. I can read that.

“Oh. Right,” he says. “I’m sorry I showed up unannounced.”

“Wait, Spencer. That sort of came out wrong. I don’t need you. But I want you. I’ve wanted you for fucking years. I never thought I’d have a chance, so this… It’s all just been so much. But if you actually like me, then I’m okay with taking it slow. It’s probably for the best anyway.”

A small smile creeps up onto his face. “Are you serious?”

“Law school hasn’t taught me to be good at lying yet,” I joke. “You don’t have to feel like you’re not good enough or whatever the hell you’re thinking in that confusing brain of yours. And I don’t care if us being together is technically wrong. I don’t give a fuck what’s wrong because I want you.”

Spencer offers his hand out to me, and I let him pull me up to my feet. His hands hold my hips as he looks down at me.

“So are we good?” I ask, biting my lip.

“We’re more than good,” he smiles, pulling me closer. “I want you too. And I want to do this whole thing right. So no sex yet.”

“If that’s what you want,” I nod, my hands rubbing his shoulders.

“But that doesn’t mean we can’t do other stuff whenever you’re comfortable with it,” Spencer says, leaning down to kiss me.

I return the gentle kiss before pulling away. “Like what?”

“Like things that seem too inappropriate to say out loud in a living room where I can see toys,” he says with a slight laugh.

I still hold onto him but turn around. “Right. I need to clean up.”

“Not right now I hope,” Spencer says with his puppy dog eyes.

“Nah, not right now. We have another hour-ish to make out in my room if you want,” I suggest with a hopeful grin.

“Yes please,” he nods, messy hair falling into his face.

tags: @pauline5525mgg @theintimatewriter @lilibet261 @greysviolets @jazzymariexoxoc @one-sweet-gubler @thatsonezesty13 @necromaniackat @awhoreforspencerreid @sebs-oxygen @scarredelirium @bts-sugaplum @awesomeness1679 @preciousbabypeter @yazzyu @cynbx @r3idsp3ncer @1010lizz @tiredbut-here @skulzombiw @lena-1895 @eevee0722 @shakespear-picaso-lovechild @daydreamingqueen1 @regulus-black-223048 @virginmusicloverr36 @jazzerbelle14 @kylakins88 @f-me-reid @lovejules888 @marimorena06 @daph-421 @idkusername8787

[ty-the-trainwreck]

I need for Robin to be at the lowest she’s ever been.

After Vecna ‘dies’ she sits in her room all day and locks herself in there. She barely eats and has only been out the house 2 times.

The first time she was out she was on a grocery run. Robin walks into the store that Joyce works at, Joyce notices that something is different. Other than the fact that everyone hasn’t seen her for 2 weeks. But Joyce notices the weak smile Robin gives her when she walks into the store. And as Robin goes around the store grabbing things and placing them in her basket, Joyce notices the slump in her shoulders. Usually Robin sits and talks with Joyce for a few minutes. Perhaps she’s in a rush? But Robin is moving as if she’s plagued with exhaustion. So it can’t be that. Joyce must have lost track of time because Robin walks up to register and is shuffling around and fiddling with her sleeves. “Robin?” Joyce scanned the items quickly, placing them into a bag and handing them to Robin. “Hm?” The freckled girl looked up, and her eyes looked so tired they made Joyce want to pull her into a hug. “Take care, remember I’m here for you when you need me.” Robin stood there for a few moments before grabbing the bag and mumbling a quiet ‘thanks’ and running out the store.

The second time Robin comes out her house is when she needs to bring out the trash. Her parents haven’t been home all month so she’s been alone for the whole month. The last time she had seen the grass of her front lawn was 6 weeks ago. She knows it isn’t healthy, and that she shouldn’t be shutting everyone out. But ever since Vecna she feels useless. Like the only reason she was useful the group was because she could crack secret Russian codes and she was an extra pair of hands and maybe even a future sacrifice. Sometimes she thinks that maybe she should have been chosen by Vecna to be the 4th victim.

Robin dragged the garbage bin all the way to the front of her house. Sighing as she places it in the usual spot she puts it, running back up the driveway before she hears a honk. Robin grumbles and keeps walking before she hears a car door slam and heels clicking towards her. She thinks maybe her mom has come home. Robin turns around and she starts going on about how she just took out the trash and she’ll be washing the dishes very soon. She’s getting ready to say she hasn’t cleaned her room yet but she’ll get to it. Yet when Robin looks up it isn’t her mom.

It’s Nancy. Robin gulps and her mouth goes dry. Maybe the whole month she was away she lost all ability to communicate with people. “Hi, Robin.” Nancy smiled at her. Nancy Wheeler is in front of her and smiling at her with all the tenderness in the world. Robin feels tears well up in her eyes. She rubs her eyes furiously while apologizing, “I’ll go— I’m sorry—“ Robin turns and starts to run to her front door before she feels Nancy’s fingers wrap around her wrist. “Rob, it’s okay. But, can I please come in?” Nancy whispered as if she spoke any louder Robin would shatter. The blonde girl opened her mouth to say something, yet words seemed to fail her. Nodding, she walked to the front door with Nancy’s hand still on her wrist. They walk in and Robin leads Nancy to her room.

When they walk in Robin starts apologizing again. “Sorry for the mess, I’m kind of a slob.” Robin chuckled nervously, trying to make a joke but Nancy doesn’t laugh. “Where have you been?” She says instead. “Really interrogating me in my own house, huh?” Robin sighed, sitting down on her bed. Nancy sat down next to Robin, her eyebrows knitting together in the way they do whenever Nancy is thinking really hard. “Rob, what happened?” Nancy’s voice was barely there. Robin felt the tears coming back. “I don’t feel..like I’m any good to the group.” Robin played with her sleeves, she hasn’t been wearing her rings for such a long time that she doesn’t know what to do with her hands. Nancy let her continue. “Nance, why couldn’t it have been me instead of Max?” Robin let her tears fall, her freckled cheeks covered in the streams. “Rob, do you know how important you are to everyone? Steve is the happiest i’ve ever seen him ever since you came around. Dustin always talks about how cool you are, Lucas always asks where you are and so does Erica. Mike likes you more than me and I’m his sister. Eleven calls you ‘Aunt Robin’, and Will has been creating you your own D&D character. You’re important to them. You’re important to me.” Nancy intertwined their hands. “I know that you’re hurting, but please, don’t do this again. Everyone is worried for you, you don’t know it but you really are important to us. And I’ll always be here for you.” Nancy leaned her forehead against Robin’s.

Robin goes outside again, she tries to resume normal life. But it’s hard. And even though it’s hard Nancy is there to help her. Because Nancy said she would always be there. And Robin has a hard time trusting but she knows she can trust Nancy.

(Robin will never know that Nancy spent the whole month sulking in her room, listening to sad songs and she only works up the courage to go see her when Steve gives her a literal pep talk along the lines of ‘go get your girl! i would but i know she needs you right now.’)

—

MY THUMBS 💥💥💥

[letmywingsdown]

Previous anon, because i’m not confident enough for DMs:

The thing is today I was arguing with my boyfriend. I’ll admit it was my fault because I initiated it for some very irrelevant dumb shit because I’ve been in a horrible mood lately. I knew I had to apologise once he began explaining to me how shitty it was, and I was about to but I couldn’t bring myself to actually say the words because I have a huge ego problem. So he smacked the left side of my face, my left cheek, because I just would remain stubborn and bitchy and not looking his way when he talked. It wasn’t harsh or violent and it didn’t hurt; just the wrist and upper side of the hand, quite quickly like when you have to tell off a kid. But it really caught me off guard and I stood there frozen. It feels like a boundary violation and when I brought up the subject to my mom (w/o saying it happened to me), she agreed. My bf started apologising right once I said how fucked up it was and I think it’s a genuine apology, but what am I supposed to do? I was getting on his nerves basically on purpose, and now I want to pretend I am the victim of the situation? But I was seriously just about to tell him I regretted making a fight up from thin air.. and stuff like that has happened twice before, once in my shoulder, the other one on my scalp. He continues apologising and I really want to forgive him because he is a lovely guy and the best thing that has ever happened to me, but how am I supposed to call myself a feminist and stuff when I am compliant once my boyfriend “beats” me? My father told me only the other day that women who stay in abusive relationships while knowing about the red flags are stupid. I disagree with him, but am I stupid? Or am I just thinking about this too much? I have childhood trauma, physical too, and I am unsure if I am overreacting because of being triggered rather than because it was objectively wrong to hit me.

He seriously is a very nice guy and I have never felt as loved and I know his love is genuine, but this has left me unsettled and, as I said, it is not the first time. Even those two aforementioned events aside, there have been very off putting things in our relationship, like him watching porn and being into cnc (we never acted on them, just dirty talk); though I think the latter might have been my fault because I was the one mainly in it (again, trauma). This was years ago and our sexual life is very healthy now, and I know for a fact he despises porn as much as I do. So what should I do? He is the only person I have left because I am a lonely loser and our connection is so sincere but at the same time I don’t feel ensured that he would never ever harm me. Is it my trauma induced paranoia, or my intuition?

Sorry for this. Thank you.

Having a bad day and starting a stupid argument is no excuse for him putting his hands on you. Doesn’t matter how mild it was; he has shown that he is willing to resort to physical violence against you, and it is absolutely 100% in your best interest to leave him as soon as you can.

You are not being paranoid at all. You are rightfully afraid of your boyfriend who has slowly begun to show you his abusive side, and it is likely that it will only worsen as you adjust to it and make excuses for him. I absolutely understand your fears, and I don’t think you’re stupid at all, but I think everyone will agree that it is objectively better to be lonely for a little while than to continue a relationship with a man who attempts to physically discipline you.

(To be completely honest, I am a 19 year old with very little experience with relationships and abuse, and I’ve had a hard time figuring out how to answer this; I would REALLY appreciate if older and wiser women would add on to give anon better advice)

[cowboyjen68]

Oh cowboyjen, the world feels so harsh and damaging and I feel so small. I’m a child of abuse and I feel like I had to teach myself everything to heal myself - but not before I fucked up my life and squandered a windfall that could have ensured my comfortable retirement. I’m so sad and angry and ashamed. I was only doing the best I could at the time. Why is the world so messed up and harsh? Do you think it’s getting better? I’m heartbroken.

I know the world is scary and unpredictable and dangerous. The bad news is, it always had been. Which is also the good news in some ways. The cycle of our world is that it is a constant battle of unfair vs fair and love vs hate and good vs evil and dangerous vs safe. When humans are involved the there will always be an up and down and back and forth in the world we are given to live in. It can be awful to see hurt in the world but can be reassuring to know it is nothing new, only the details and humans find a way to bring comfort and happiness to each other and themselves time after time. 

I had a pretty happy and healthy upbringing and I STILL managed to waste the hard earned money my mom and dad left to me. It was not a windfall but sure would have made my life more financially stable.  At the time I let my wife spend most of it and I take the blame. She was following her own patterns from growing up poor and I did not have the courage to say “no”. The loss caused me to do a few things that, had they continued, could have had a devastating impact on my life. 

After we split up I had the choice of continuing to spend my energy on wishing things were different and to wonder “what if” or do some actual work to make my life better, if not immediately, at least in my future.  My friends encouraged me to get a therapist and to figure out what priorities were important to me. The problem I was facing, which sounds like you are also struggling with, was the fact that I felt so overwhelmed I was stuck in the mud of what was done and unable to know how or what step to take to get back to solid ground. 

I listed on paper what I wanted. I listened to myself. The Me now and not the one from the past. It took several tries to be honest with myself and to lay out a plan. I was, like you, so ashamed of my actions I wasn’t seeking help or trying to find ways to improve my lot in life. When I asked for help I was sure people were judging me and I had to be okay with that happening to get the the resources that could give me some leverage to move on and improve my life.

The pep talk is you are not the only one who screwed up life by not being financially responsible and you can make up for lost chances. Now here are a few of the solid lessons I learned:

Ask your bank for help. Mine has a FREE financial planning/debt reduction planning service and app that I knew nothing about. Look to social services, even ones you think you are not eligible to use. Social workers are masters of networking and if they can’t help they might know someone who can. Don’t ever be ashamed to use local foodbanks or clothing banks. Saving 20.00 from the grocery store is 20.00 you can save or use to put gas in the car to continue working. Don’t spend money to save money. You don’t need an pricey app or special account or fancy investments. A simple free savings account at a credit union is a great start. 

I work three jobs and 7 days a week. I take any hours offered me and I am never afraid to take a few Cash Under The Table jobs when they arise. At 54 I didn’t want to be working 60 to 80 hours a week. BUT I have goals and that is what it is going to take to reach them. I did however, promise myself to not be miserable at my job so I work at three places I love. this was my compromise. I will work my ass off but not as jobs I hate.  This is my good fortune and I don’t take any of that for granted.  

There will be sacrifices to play catch up in your life BUT you can decide which things you are willing to sacrifice and what you will not. Be aware of these decisions and don’t act out of emotions. Weigh the next step with your happiness and how it will affect your success to find the balance. 

You will get your head above water again but it does take work. Sadly our life is not a cute 3 minute montage with a catchy song in some feel good rags to riches movie. It takes time and effort and focus. I do promise. The work, and YOU are worth it.