#and god it reminded me how ive DREAMED of that for years and YES i sure would need french for that

[kookslastbutton]

Too Late to Dream ༓ jjk (m)┃ch. V

✑ Summary: You did it. You married your college professor. You even bought a house together. Against all odds, everything had fallen into place. But after two years of marriage, you begin feeling something was missing. You want a baby but your husband can’t say the same.

Pairing: economics professor!jungkook x fem!artist!reader

AU/Genre: angst, smut, fluff, marriage au, age gap, series

Rating: M, 18+

Word Count: 3,342

Warnings: 8-year age gap, mentions of professor-student relationship (oc was a Masters student), jk has milk obsession, oc injured, both lonely :(, mommy issues, lots of family drama/in-laws, fighting, pent-up issues/desires, jk has daddy issues, jk being good hubby to oc

Now Playing: Make It Right, Tryna Be, Infinity, It Will Rain, Heaven+

A/N: I've heard the requests and I think it's time to fulfill them–how did they get together?! Yes, it's here and I'm excited to finally share! Also, yes this took up whole chapter so a tiny break from present-day stuff but we'll be back at it next chapter. 💞

<< ch. IV ༓ ch. Vl >> | series masterlist

Before marrying you, Jungkook had the same routine. He got up, showered, brushed his teeth, put work clothes on, grabbed breakfast, and ran out the door with twenty minutes to spare. Trying to find a parking spot at 7 a.m. at the university was no joke and he had to leave early or some college kid would take the last spot and not think twice.

His night routine was similar. Jungkook finished the day between 5 and 6 pm, slowly regretting he ever agreed to teach evening classes. He’d kick off his shoes, eat dinner, grade some of his student’s papers if needed, brush his teeth again, and went to bed.

It was a constant cycle and with no one around, not even a pet, Jungkook’s life was fairly quiet and systematic. Sometimes his buddies would come over on the weekend for a couple of hours and that surely rocked his world.

But that wouldn’t happen often during the school season due to his ridiculously packed teaching schedule. The most recent person he’d hang around during those months was Taehyung and if he wasn’t free, Jungkook would spend his time at the grocery store–stocking up on milk.

4 years ago

“That was two weeks ago man,” Jungkook says, pushing a cart with five-gallon jugs of milk to his car. He’s on the phone with Taehyung who's reminiscing about the grand opening of the new art exhibit and how “lovely” it was to meet you there.

Jungkook doesn’t need reminding though.

He clearly remembers seeing you there and Taehyung happily making a complete fool of him once he found out who you were. Thankfully you hadn’t seemed to mind too much since you and Taehyung soon moved on to discuss various art theories, masterpieces, and underrepresented artists.

“You didn't have to stay y'know.” If Jungkook didn't know any better he'd think Taehyung was salty. "You could've left at 8 pm like you planned. __ and I would have been fine."

Jungkook winces hearing the man's argument. He did think about going home at 8, but it unsettled him to leave you alone with Taehyung. His colleague was enjoying himself a little too much that night and there’s no telling what he’d do or say when he’s overly comfortable.

Jungkook had to stay until you left.

"Are you kidding me? Leaving you unsupervised would've been the worst idea after all your endless blubbering." Jungkook pops the trunk of his car, stuffing the jugs of milk inside. "God knows what you'd scar __ with."

On the other line, Taehyung smirks through the speaker. "No, that's not it......you weren't going to leave me alone with a woman, an attractive one at that."

Jungkook grabs the last jug of milk, slamming it on the floorboard. "Student, and stop talking about her like that. She's my stu—"

"Say student one more time and I'm going to take all your milk and give it to Yoongi hyung's cats."

"I swear to god, Taehyung, if you touch my milk I'm never going to another art museum or wine tasting with you again." Jungkook is very protective of his dairy products.

"That's okay. I don't need you when __ says she'll be happy to go with me sometime." Smug bastard, Jungkook thinks. There's no way you said that.

"That's bull Taehy—"

"Look she's in her masters and is literally eight years younger than you. It's not that serious so stop acting like she's fresh out of high school. Besides, you said it yourself, she's not a child."

Jungkook grunts, shoving the cart into the others. "She's a young lady who happens to be enrolled in the school. As faculty, we have no business thinking or talking about her outside those terms."

"For fucksake, Kook. You always make things so complicated!" Taehyung's baritone voice cracks through the speaker. "I'm just trying to get you to admit that you're into her some way or another. How many other students have I stayed to talk to and you couldn't give a—"

Just then a loud, high-pitch screech interrupts the call. Jungkook whips his head around immediately. He doesn't spot anything at first but a string of profanities remains audible in the distance.

"Jungkook, are you okay?"

"Yeah, but someones screaming and I can't tell where it's coming from." Jungkook walks around the grocery parking lot, eyes darting left and right. "Oh shit!"

There, near the bus stop, you lay on your side with your right leg stretched out and blood running from your temple. You try getting up but you fall right back down, cursing sharply.

"Taehyung I gotta go, it's __. I don't know what happened but she's laying by the bus stop and I think she needs help!" Jungkook shuts his phone and races to where you lay. He kneels next to you with sheer horror on his face. "__, what happened? What can I do?"

"Damn college boys, Dr. Jeon," you spit, dragging your leg up as far as you can. You reach for your bag which had flung about a foot away when you crashed. "So fucking eager to get off the bus and—oh damn that hurts like a bitch!"

"What hurts?" Jungkook lunges forward to catch your torso from slamming on the hard concrete. "Stay still okay? We need to get you to the hospital."

"I'm all set, but thanks. It'll likely heal in a day."

Jungkook shakes his head and wraps an arm under your back and legs. "Can you put your arms around my neck?"

"Dr. Jeon, I appreciate what you're doing but I don't want to go to the hospital. Please."

You're serious. No trace of bluffing or even simply trying to act tough. You really don't want to go.

"You need to be checked by a doctor sweetheart," Jungkook insists. "Whatever happened has made it so you can't walk. C'mon, my car is nearby and I'll drive you over."

"No, wait!" He feels you push against his chest.

"__. I'm not leaving you without making sure you didn't break a bone or something. I don't want to make things worse but you don't look so hot right now. So please, let me take you." Jungkook lifts you up when you give a barely consenting yes.

"You sprained your ankle pretty bad hun." Dr. Kim Seokjin draws your attention to the X-ray scan. "Second degree." He points to the visual of your partially torn ligament. "There's going to be a lot of swelling so you're gonna need to stay off your foot for at least 4 weeks."

"Do I have to stay here?" is your first question.

"For the first couple of weeks, we strongly advise—yes." Dr. Kim moves on to the next X-ray scan. "You also cracked a rib which will also take about 4 weeks to heal, or more. Of course you're head has suffered a mild concussion as well but it's very mild thankfully." Dr. Kim catches sight of Jungkook next to you, staring at the scans. "You're wife's going to be okay," he says mid-diagnoses.

"We're not—" you start to say but Dr. Kim continues talking.

"Wife, girlfriend, lover, what have you. The point is, much of what we have here will recover with a month of rest, ice, and elevation." He takes a pen from his pocket and starts jotting down something on paper. "I recommend two weeks here for moderation purposes. If things look good, you finish the healing at home. Still, be careful though, no funny business."

The blank looks on both your faces tell Dr. Kim he wasn't clear enough. "Yah, my filters going to die with you two doe-eyed deer. No funny business means no sex!"

"Oh god!" You outburst, mortified by the thought. Jungkook whips his head to your slack-jawed expression. "Dr. Kim, it's not like that between us."

The older man suddenly zeros in on your professor, eyes narrowing slightly. "What's the matter son? Having trouble getting it up?"

Jungkook jolts in his seat, startled by the crass response. "I—no, what? There's nothing wrong with my—"

"We're not together!" You shout before Jungkook's sentence finishes. "We're friends." Saying that your professor brought you here sounded a little odd for some reason, especially when Dr. Kim was already convinced you two were a thing.

"Mhm sure, heard the same thing from my wife before we went off and eloped." Dr. Kim treads to the door. If he has a dime for how many times he's heard that "we're friends" bs he'd be...well, he's already rich so never mind. "Let's move on to something more productive now, like getting __ settled in a room. The sooner she starts the healing process, the sooner she can be good as new again."

"Thank you Dr. Kim," Jungkook says, slowly standing up to stroll you and your wheelchair out of the room. You didn't like it but the nurses insisted you be in one to keep pressure off your muscles.

"Yeah yeah." Dr. Kim waves him off. "Just remember what I said, no funny business. Especially here at the hospital. You don't know how many times I've heard the nurses catching their patients on top of one another at 2 am in the morning. That better not be you two, whoever you are to each other."

"Yes, doctor." You both reply, thankful of the fact that neither of you are in any position to be looking at each other.

"Is there any way I can be here for less than two weeks?" Jungkook watches as you plead with the nurse. It worries him that you're still anxious to avoid medical attention.

"I'm afraid not," the nurse says simply. "If you need anything, press the call button and I'll be in as soon as I can."

Once the nurse leaves, Jungkook pulls up a chair next to your bed. "Stupid question but how are you feeling?"

"I'm in an ankle brace, my rib burns, and my head is still dizzy. I'm trapped in the hospital for two weeks and all because a bunch of nineteen-year-old boys couldn't wait to hit up some frat party," you groan, not bearing in mind your tongue. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this Dr. Jeon."

"You didn't drag me into anything __. I'm glad I was there when this happened and I'm even more glad that you're here, getting help." Jungkook clears his throat before continuing. "Even if it isn't ideal for you."

You ignore the subtle pry for information. "Please, Dr. Jeon. You don't have to stay any longer. It's the weekend and I'm sure you have plans."

Jungkook gives a faint smile. "So, you're saying this is none of my business?"

"No, not—not at all. I mean if you want to stay then I guess you can but I don't want you to feel obligated or anything."

"I want to be here," Jungkook says simply. "But you know that's not what I meant. I'd like to know why it bothers you when anyone tries to help you...if I may."

"Just habit," you mumble quickly, averting eye-contact. It's not your professor's job to bear the weight of your problems.

Jungkook nods in reply, pretending you gave a satisfactory explanation. He wishes you'd tell him but if you didn't want to share more then that was your choice —he wasn't going to force you. "I understand." He grabs his phone from his pocket and rests his elbows on his knees. "Are you hungry?"

"Huh?" You look back at him, his question going right over your head.

"I asked if you're hungry. It's about dinner time so I can get you something if you want. I also have a bunch of milk in my trunk that needs to get to a fridge. But I can place the order now and pick it up in my way back here."

"Milk in your trunk?" Is the only words you repeat, dumbfounded. "Like chocolate milk or...?"

"Nah, Whole Milk." Jungkook grins at your scrunched up face. You try to hide it but not very well. "Don't look so disgusted. Milk is good for you."

"Yeah when you're ten years old."

"On the contrary!" You flinch when his voice rises, along with his eyebrows. "Milk has a lot of health benefits as adults. It has thirteen essential nutrients and helps maintain muscle and bone strength. I drink at least two full glasses a day, if not more."

"I'm sorry but that's nasty." You shudder at the thought of drinking milk in your twenties let alone your thirties. "You really enjoy it? The taste?"

"Yup, always have since a baby! Loved it so much that my mother-" You raise an eyebrow to which he abruptly switches topics. "Anyway, do you want me to pick you up something or no?"

You giggle, a little uncomfortable with whatever he was about to disclose to you.

"That's okay, no thanks."

"You sure? Otherwise I'm gonna be eating in front of you." Jungkook knows how this sounds — he's trying to force you to eat. But the truth is, he just doesn't want to eat by himself tonight. He also doesn't want to leave you alone this early, especially when you obviously detest being here, for whatever reason.

"I'm sure," you say. "But...if you want to come back you can. Not like I have anything to do anyway."

"Good then." Pleased, Jungkook opens up his phone contacts. "Give me you're number in case you change your mind while I'm out."

Over the next couple of weeks, Jungkook continues to stay by your side. He leaves to teach his classes of course and to go home late at night, but he stops by every day—hours at a time.

You keep insisting that he not come so much but he always makes the same excuses. "I just brought food" or "You're on my way home from the university". Sometimes he brings in class notes too.

Due to your current predicament, you're missing a lot of content so Jungkook thinks it best to go over key principles with you and takeaways from his lectures. He says it's his duty as a professor–never minding the fact that many of his other students are in a predicament of their own yet he’s not bothering to do jack for them.

"Look Dr. Jeon, I appreciate what you're doing but you really don't have to. I'll be perfectly alright to catch myself up from the textbook and study guides. You don't have to keep stopping by." You try again but Jungkook keeps his wall just as strong as yours.

"I know I don't have to __. I know that I could leave right now, take all these lecture notes home with me, and not feel guilty about a thing. But I told you I was going to be here and I'm going to keep to that no matter how many times you urge me to leave. I also want you to call me Jungkook outside class but have you allowed for any of those to happen?" Jungkook tosses the folder of notes in his sachel, a loud thump following. "A simple thank you would suffice."

"I am grateful, I really am. But I never asked to be given so much of your time. I feel bad because maybe you're just one of those overly nice people who feel it's their duty to stick around or what not when someone's in trouble. I don't need to be pitied over! Also, you said I could keep calling you the usual, so Dr. Jeon it will remain!" Why you're raising your voice, you don't know but it's happening either way.

"Yeah I did," Jungkook quips, matching your tone. "But after the last, nearly two weeks I think we ought to be on a first-name basis! And I'm in no way pitying you okay? I'm here because I care dammit! I don't want you to be alone and I don't want you to be behind in getting your Masters. So I' try to be be here every day for at least fifteen minutes if not more!"

You don't fully process what he says so you reply to what you remember most. "Why? Why can't I call you Dr. Jeon? It's been that way from the start, twice every week. So why do I need to call you Jungkook all a sudden?!"

"Because it makes me feel younger, you insulted my milk after I first took you to the hospital, we've been eating dinner almost every night since your injury, you told me about your childhood cat named Mr. Muttonbottom, and you just called me by my first name so there are no take backs! Now, if you're done making a fit, do you want bibimbap or jajangmyeon for dinner tonight?!"

What the actual hell? You cease your arguing at once, hearing your professor, or excuse you, Jungkook, all fluffed up. Obviously, you're not the only one high-strung over being stuck in the same routine day in, day out.

"Jajangmyeon...please," you mutter.

"Thank fuck," he swears. Yeah that's new too.

"Sorry for getting mad earlier." You mumble the words as soon as Jungkook returns with the food. "It just feels odd that you've been here all the time...you're my professor."

Jungkook mauls over your choice of words, stiffening ever so slightly. "Well, I'd like to think we're sorta friends now but alright. Does this actually bother you __? I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, you know that." He places the bag of take-out on the small desk near your bed.

"No, it's doesn't bother me." you just don't know how to react or what to say besides a measly thank you. More so, you don't want to make someone feel responsible for you...you should take care of your own shit without bringing others with you. It's not the best mindset, you're aware, but its the one you have.

"Okay good because to be completely transparent, I'm sorta here for me too. I live my myself, eat by myself, talk to myself....I do most things alone so it's nice having someone else to be around." He's not sure where to set his eyes, so he looks downward, fumbling with the napkins in front of him. "I'm making this awkward, sorry."

Feeling the strange need to offer comfort, you stretch a hand over Jungkook's arm. "I get it. It's nice having someone around too."

You and Jungkook hold each other's gaze for a few seconds more, letting the brief silence do the rest of the talking. Maybe you've been looking at this a little too one-sided.

"How are you feeling today? Any better?" Jungkook cracks open the bowl of Jajangmyeon, handing it to you with a pair of chopsticks.

You take the steamy food and gesture to your ankle which has swollen down a good amount. "Still more healing to be done but it's better."

Jungkook hums in approval. "That's comforting to hear. Dr. Kim going to discharge you soon?"

"Yeah, I think so. A few more days and he said I should be able to rest up at home."

"Really?" He chews on his bottom lip. "Well great, uhm , do you have stuff going on when you get back?"

You think a moment, trying to recollect if you made plans with Na-Rae. "Maybe some but not much. I don't have a ton of people around me right now either...down here I mean."

"Well, do you wanna go out to dinner then?" Jungkook pops the question more causal than expected. It's almost like he planned this or at least has been thinking about it for a bit. "We've been eating together for a while now and I think it might be a nice celebratory thing."

"Are you asking me on a date...Jungkook?" Because it defiantly sounds like he is, as indirect as it may be.

His reply is barely audible but you hear it and for the first time, your professor sounds truly timid. "Uh, well...let's go with "hang out", like friends do."

A/N: so yeah, thats how they got together 👀😅 anyone surprised? Thinking about a drabble for thier first date now haha. Anyway, next chapter we get back to present day stuff where more drama goes down. Also, adding a chapter bc this flashback took the whole chapter lol. Lmk your thoughts 💞

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no reposting, copying, or translating my work– © kookslastbutton

[actualbird]

i'm honestly not so sure how they'd go about the stories to this card. i have one fear is that of they pull out a "and he woke up, and it's all a dream" THOUGH i think that'll depend on the execution of the story itself.

BUT SOME THOUGHTS ON THE DOG TAG AND THE HIS KEY. while the dog tag does symbolize burden and trauma, i do think to some extent it does represent his sense of duty and how it's proof of all the adversities he has overcomes throughout his whole life time. the way the metal has crinkled, just like how that scars are proof of how one has survived through pain, the dog tag serves as a reminder of how far he has come. how it's hard metal contrast the delicate touch of the butterfly... FUCK, SORRY I'M GOING ALL POETIC, but at least in chinese belief, i do like how the butterfly symbolizes the human soul, freedom and love, while in the western context, it means rebirth, hope and transformation (google, 2022) (WHICH BOTH IS VERY FITTING TO LUKE'S STORY). BUT HOW IN THE PV IT'S LUKE'S BUTTERFLY THAT BREAKS THROUGH, just shows how he's broken through the dark and his own "fate". GAH GAH GAH.

I THINK, THE KEY. THE KEY HOLDS SO MUCH MEANING WHEN HELD SIDE BY SIDE WITH THE DOG TAG AND THE PV. (I HOPE IT'S MAKING SENSE) BUT YES, the whole theme of luke's pv (at least what my current thoughts are) it's a lot about breaking free, and rewriting his fate (his demise to his illness). AND THE KEY IS SO MUCH MORE SYMBOLIC NOW. CAUSE ROSA IS THE ONE GIVING THAT KEY TO LUKE. SHE IS LITERALLY GIVING HIM "THE KEY" TO BREAK FREE FROM ALL OF THAT. ZAK.... FUCK, i need to lie down.

now that i think about it, the scene with the suitcase is also very symbolic (BOY DO I LOVE SYMBOLISM). he runs the opposite direction from the crowd. his suitcase is his literal baggage. it's all his memories with rosa before the nsb, and the way he trip and falls, as that suitcase opens and drops everything. "i realized everything i treasured had already disappeared". he's lost everything, or he THOUGHT he lost everything. he was so ready to throw everything down the drain. now isolated in his hospital bed, and the iv drips down. but "FATE IS KIND. SHE BRINGS TO THOSE WHO LOVE, THE SWEET FULFILLMENT OF THEIR SECRET LONGING" ( j. cricket, 1940)

BUT YES, GOD. I FUCKING LOVE THIS PV SO MUCH. FUCK. i'm so glad for the approach they've went for. THE CALL BACK TO THE PREVIOUS YEARS FEELS SO SATISFYING.

i kept this ask in my drafts for 42 hours to try and think up of something to say in reply but frankly i simply agree so hard with everything you just said and im in awe with all the meanings that youve drawn here, it's so GOOD it's PERFECT TO ME

idk how the story will go either but if anything, i wish it's as filled with meaning and poignancy as this ask you sent. bless your thoughts chika, phd holder of luke studies!!!!

[sunnycanvas]

Tantalizing Love

Baldwin iv x fem!reader

I was wandering lonely in the sky,

Had no connection, no matter what, with those who fly

It was the middle of night in Jerusalem. A new year's eve to be exact. You drank beer from the can as you watched fireworks in the sky from the bridge

You sighed exhausted. You walked alone on the bridge heading towards your hotel. This place hasn't had peace for generations you thought. From history till today this place place hasn't known peace. Just when this country is in peace for few generations. It faces war again

Since the day I learnt to flap my wings,

I've been listening to a melody that the cold wind sings.

You never understood your attachment to this place. You remember talking to your friends and family where there was a discussion on which place to visit

"Jerusalem" you replied

Confused they would look at you

"For historical reasons of course" you reasoned

"Since, when did you start loving history so much" one of your friends asked

Not knowing the answer yourself you stood there quietly in the middle of busy street tightening your hold on your bag

Your other friend noticing your discomfort said

"People change, so do their interest" your friend said trying to defend you

"Kingdom of heaven" you replied

Now this got attention of both of your friends who looked at you confused. "I remember watching Kingdom of heaven in television long time ago. Ever since I have been fascinated by this place" your friends nodded understandingly. "I knew you weren't type of academic" your friend who originally questioned you replied smugly. You scoffed hearing his response and your other friend laughed.

Same response came from your family

"You want to go to Jerusalem after your graduation?" They questioned

"Yes" you replied confidently

"But why?" asked one of your family member.

"Because I want to" you replied confidently determined. They seemed confused but thankfully they didn't inquire further. However none of your friends or family wanted to visit Jerusalem. "It's okay" you thought, you could live here alone.

As you walked streets of Jerusalem you watched the sky filled with fireworks

"People seem happy despite their difficult life" you thought. You wondered how Baldwin iv would have felt if he saw his country today. You remember after watching the movie you ended up reading story of Baldwin iv and realised that historically there was much more story and different one shown in movie. You always thought that once you enter Jerusalem your obsession with this place would end.

I pushed too hard to rise up high,

A bullet hit me, I broke down, Oh sigh! ! !

Alas, it worsened. You started having dreams of man every day who seemed blind. He also had missing nose and obvious disfigurement in face. These dreams became more frequent. The more you visited historical sites in the country of Israel . Each time you would see more vivid images and more scenarios. Are these memories you thought?

Tomorrow you went and visited the church of holy sepulchre. There you stood watching the place. Suddenly you had a strong headache and more scenarios came

The thirst of my throat, the tinge of my tongue,

Relieved by the rain, reminds me the song that was sung

"Baudouin" you said with tears running from your eyes. "I don't want to leave you. I don't fear your condition please let me stay not as a lover but atleast as a subject who takes care of her king". You cried as you nearly fell on the floor but Baldwin iv caught you.

"Hush now, you need to leave" people have started to notice our affair and they are not pleased since I am the king and you are maid. Also I have taken vow of chastity. You know right leprosy is thought to be transmitted through sexual intercourse as well as disfavour from God". "It's dangerous for not only for me but you as well to be in relationship with me. If people came to know that you were in relationship with Leper then you be marginalized as well. You wouldn't be able to get married as you always wanted" he reasoned

"I don't care, I don't want anyone else but you". You sobbed. Baldwin iv looked upset and he hugged you. "For once I wanted to be selfish" he said. "I thought we were careful" you cried in his chest. "It seems we weren't careful enough" Baldwin iv sighed. "We need to seperate and it's for the best for both of us" Baldwin iv said in pain. "Please don't make it anymore difficult for me"

Then landscape got disturbed, with my hue & cry,

I decided to break down, but then you passed by

You left the palace as soon as rumours spread. Your name was not ever recorded in history as people believed that the Leper king having a lover was just a rumour.Just like that you disappeared in history. You soon lost touch with your king and died of broken heart. King Baldwin iv never knew, the only people who knew about your affair kept your affair secret told the king that you had found someone else and married that you live a well settled life. Baldwin iv was happy with slight jealousy. He knew this was for the best and you deserve a better life and not be dragged down with leper. Baldwin iv never knew and people who knew about truth carried it with them to grave

Even though Baldwin iv is no longer remembered as king disfavoured by God. He remains hugely unknown in the west. Just like you he hugely remains unknown today but unlike you he is still remembered by some people. You staggered when you recalled your memories and began to cry. You wished things could have ended differently

Looking at you & feeling your glow,

Just as in movies, and the motion was slow

"Ma, Cherie" you heard. You turned around and saw a man who had very bright eyes, an aquiline nose and blond hair. He had ruddy face and moderate height.

Wondering why you picked me up, and in this life can I ever deny?

How your words housed my mind, straight through my heart, Bullseye! ! !

Baudouin, you thought. Realising you recognised him. He smiled and said. "I missed you Ma Cherie, it's been 900 years"

Have no enough expressions, my words are in dearth,

With you by my side dear, I'm the happiest man on Earth.

-Reincarnation Love Poem by Sawan Dhyani

[eddiiiieeee]

Wasted Summer.

Eddie Munson x reader warnings: strong language, real angsty, mentions of sexual things, no happy ending. yes, I am an evil fuck.

summary: when y/n has crushed on Eddie Munson the towns freak for years, until one summer brings them together and a birdy named Robin buckley, but it might turn out to be the worst thing thats ever happened to them both. or maybe just y/n, who knows yet.

authors note: all the young adults are in high school, and so are the party members, Joyce and hopper are together, Billy isn't a pimple on anyone's ass. The upside down never happened. and yes ur dad is Pedro pascal his names Nick while your mom is penelope cruz and her name is Maria. have fuuun

The heat in Hawkins was something everyone hated, it wasnt fun, it was frustrating but what did most teenagers do to escape the heat? head to the mall, which is exactly what y/n, robin, johnnathan and argyle decided to do. spending the day there, walking around, eating, the usual for the group really. they'd spend hours there before the girls eventually had to go. "my moms hosting her bookclub tonight and i am needed to help" Robin said as she looked at the group, y/n eating her oreo Mcflurry she got from Mcdonalds "come over after? i know my mom will be there" y/n said as argyle put his elbow on her head, causing johnathan to chuckle "you need to grow, y/n/n" Johnathan said as y/n scowled at the group "im literally a few inches shorter then robin" y/n said smacking argyles arm off of her "hey, dont call me short!" Robin said as she shoulder bumped y/n "im gonna head out though guys, promised Will i'd take him out to that new arcade with his friends" the burnette said as argyle yawned "ive got a hot date with eden tonight" the long haired boy said as everyone chuckled "did she say yes in your dreams or did she kick you in the nuts and you just took it as a yes?" Robin asked "ha ha funny. no she actually said yes, i caught her at family video the other day and i struck up a convo, and she said yes" he smiled, y/n hummed as Robin pipped up "ooh oh! speaking of family video, remind me to tell you about Steve" Robin said as soon after the group seperated, Robin looked over at y/n as they made their way to their bikes "so, ya' know steve, my co-worker. yea well while we were on break, his bff, Edison Munson walked in and we started chatting before steve joked about Eddie wanting a girlfriend, and then Eddie asked if i could set him up and i told him 'oh yea, my friend, y/n, i'll give her your number if she says yes' and so here we are!" Robin smiled

as y/n chuckled looking at her "youre shitting me right?" the h/c girl said as Robin shooked her head as she dug into her pocket, to pull out the small paper that held y/n's dreams "oh my god, rob, i love you!" she said looking at the number as she hugged robin tightly.

....

the minute y/n got home, she undressed as she changed into a pair of sweatpants and a black tank top before she rushed over to her phone, the purple phone was sat there staring back at her as she gripped it tightly, putting it up to her ear as she put in eddies number, messing around with cord while it rang "hello?" Eddies voice rang as y/n took a deep breath "hi, is this Eddie Munson by any chance?" she ask, sitting on her bed as she laid down on her bed, sighing as he chuckled through the phone "depends, whos asking?" She heard him say, causing her to gulp "i'm y/n, robins friend? we've got english together? you once told me you liked the sabbath pin i had on my bag" she stated as Eddie hummed "the pretty girl from my english class? how could i forget? to what do i owe this pleasure?" he said coyly as if he hadnt asked her best friend to set them up

"robin told me to call you, said you were looking around, she decided to play cupid i guess" "i always thought you were pretty, glad steve's big mouth came to use for once" he chuckled causing y/n to giggle as well "well thank him for me, gave me a chance to be set up with a pretty handsome dude" "im handsome? you dont say?" "very actually, had a crush on you for a while so" y/n could practically feel Eddie's cute grin on the other side of the call "you’re feeding my ego babe, i’ve wanted to ask you out for a while but ya' know, didn’t know how" y/n smiled as she looked up at her ceiling "well, how about next Monday? pick me up at 7?" y/n said feeling bold out of no where "yes. might be there early, cant have my pretty lady waiting now can we?" he teased

....

"oh my god, robin. i love him, god i love him so so much!” y/n said looking at her best friend who was sat across from her in the red booth. “we’ve been talking none stop for the past week or so, my parents actually thought i was dissociating again” y/n shrugged taking a sip of her milkshake, as Robin chuckled “he’s so sweet, rob, i wanna pick him up and keep him in my pocket. our dates tomorrow and i literally don’t know what to do with my hair or my clothes!” y/n panicked as she looked at Robin scared "babe, relax its all gonna be fine! curly your hair like you always do, do that glittery makeup look you do, red nails because eddie loves the color, and then one of your sexy hot leather outfits!" Robin smiled as y/n chuckled "interesting" the h/c girl said as she licked her lips

....

Eddie stuck true to his word, he was there around 6:54. he sat there happily waiting as he let out a small sigh, looking at himself in the mirror for the 50th time today just to make sure he looked perfect for y/n. at exactly 7:00, y/n closed the door behind her as she looked at the van surprised to have found it as she smiled at Eddie "i didnt think you meant it when you said you'd be here early" she smiled as she walked up to the van, watching as Eddie got out and rushed over to the over side, opening the door for her as he took in how pretty she looked, a corset dress shirt with a pair of flared jeans, black boots on her feet and a black purse and leather jacket in her arms, she climbed in thanking him as he made his way back, putting his seatbelt on and looking over at her "you look amazing, and two, i am a man of my word, sweetheart, you will never have to wait for me because im going to be ready for you anytime." y/n could feel the heat spread across her cheeks as they drove away from her place "alright, open that for me sweets and pick out something for us to listen to" he said looking over at her as he smiled, she opened the small compartment in the van and looked through the cd's only to be amazed "oh my god, a limited addition Elvis disc? you're shitting me where did you get this from?" she asked looking at him as she admired the disc "i grew up on Elvis, my grandpa had him on all the time" she chuckled as she put the disc in Eddie chuckled as he licked his lips "Well, i found it at a thrift store once, cost me around 15 bucks but it was worth it, i got it when i was a kid, for my mom. but now it just stays in here, barely get the chance to listen to it"

it was a shared feeling between the two, those people were no longer with us. "well shes got amazing taste in music" y/n smiled as they continued driving to a local diner.

....

y/n laughed as Eddie wiped the corners of his mouth "i eat like a child so what?" he teased as he ate a fry, y/n taking a bite of her burger as she looked at him "its cute dont worry" she chuckled, licking her lips as Eddie sat back in the booth "alright, im out of questions to ask, i think i know you so much right now i could take a pop quiz about you" Eddie smiled lookin at the girl opposite him "im flattered, could say the same about you, Edward" she teased as he groaned, pretending to fall down "you wound me with such a name" he scoffed playfully as y/n looked at him, with a sparkle in her eye. he was everything she thought he was.

the rest of the date was spent filled with giggles and laughs shared between the two, both sharing cute moments. staring at each other with nothing but admiration in each others.

.... it was around 10, when they gotten back to y/n's place, exactly when her parents asked her to come home. she looked over at Eddie as she smiled "i had alot of fun, Eddie. thank you really." she smiled as Eddie grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it "anytime sweets, about that second date we mentioned earlier, how about this upcoming sunday?" Eddie smiled, staring at her with his button eyes that had her melting within seconds “missing me already?” y/n giggled as Eddie shrugged, sighing dramatically. taking in her laugh as she looked at him "could be, might wanna, ya' know keep you in my pocket and take you wherever." he smiled, looking at her as she bit the inside of her cheek "come on let me walk you to your door" he smiled as he got out moving to help her out the van and then walked her to her door "i'll see you sunday, eds. call me when you get home, yea?" she said moving to kiss his cheek as she stood on her toes, smiling as she opened her door, walking in to be greeted by her parents

who stood side by side smiling at her "so?" y/n's mom said as y/n took her shoes off, picking them up as she kissed their cheeks and moved to put her shoes away "how was it? did he-" "open the door for me, made sure i got in the van and was buckled up, drove under 40 so exactly at the speed limit, paid for lunch and desert. it was perfect" she smiled as she looked at her parents, her dad nodding as he realised she'd made a check list of everything he does does for her mom. things he's mentioned to her she should make sure her dates do or else theyre not worth the second date "apparently he likes me so much that, he cant wait long for our second date, so we're going out on sunday" she said as she fidgeted with her rings "honey, thats great!" her mom said rushing over to her to hug her "isnt that great, Nick? go and get changed so we can watch our movie! go go" she smiled as y/n nodded, rushing upstairs to change. .... it was pure bliss that first week for y/n and Eddie. hanging out at his trailer or in her room, going out on cute dates to the mall, or arcade. he would get her a bunch of flowers everytime he'd see her, he'd play all her favorite songs on the guitar considering they had similar taste in music. Eddie had never let a soul touch his hair but y/n was special, she was y/n. a month into seeing each other, Eddie finally asked her to be his, that alone couldve been something that made y/n feel better about everything. suddenly nothing could upset her, she'd get morning messages from eddie, she would tell him all about her day and he would listen to every word with a smile on his face while he admired her, he loved how excited and how big her eyes would get when she would talk about something she loved, wether it be art or music or her grandpa. it didnt matter he would listen to her word for word. One thing Eddie had noticed was when they'd make out, y/n would attempt to stop it leading to anything else. Eddie made sure he didnt force her into anything but he felt this need for her sometimes and he was getting tired of his fist. he thought maybe he'd bring it up when it happened again, ..... his larger hands kept their place on y/ns hips, their lips fitting together like two puzzle pieces. Eddie hummed into her mouth as he moved his hands down to her ass, squeezing the meet through her jeans, god he loved these jeans, they made her ass look so so fucking good. his hands soon traveled to her thighs, squeezing them as well, this is where eddie knew exactly what would happen. his hands traveled closer up her thighs to her heat, y/n pulled away from the kiss panting as she moved to hold Eddies hands, a sigh leaving Eddies mouth as he looked at y/n with a confused yet concerned look "babe, do you not want this?" he asked as, y/n gulped licking her swollen lips "want what?" she asked knowing exactly what he meant. "its just everytime i try to take things further you just sort of stop me, you'll do anything to distract me from it. am i doing something wrong? are you okay?" he asked licking his lips as y/n looked at their hands gulping "i'm a virgin, eds. apart from that, i cant have sex." she said looking at him as he tried to work it out in his head

[fictionfixations]

book 7 part 4 spoilers

im having intrusive thoughts (theyre UNWELCOME. ive been hit by so many emotions i cant stop myself from actually crying rn ) now that i finished it okay so

if there are any typos or wrong words that dont make sense im SO sorry i usually sleep around this time (i wrote confused instead of convinced im SOBBING) so my brain is slowing down on me

whbat if. what if if

we encounter the dawn knight

and silver's ring starts glowing

and they accuse him of being a traitor because it seems weirdly familiar (or the knight accuses silver of being a thief? IDK)

LISTEN im still convinced that the dawn knight and silver are connected in some way. i just dont know how yet. aghhhhh

ALSO WHEN is the conversation about them mentioning 'hey you keep calling me father..' (could be brushed off as 'you remind me a lot of my father'. cue probably mixed feelings) or '..hey what was that about you calling yourself a zigvolt when we first met?'

i mean sharing LAST NAMES (edit: i said nicknames wtf? im so sorry) without being related is normal. although i dont know how normal it is in twisted wonderland.

ALSO sebek also like doubled down like

baur: you dont have the signature scales

sebek: my mother has them!

baur: then why dont you?

sebek: ... (ashamed of his father. ashamed of his blood. poor baby. he really just ended up taking being called a 'human /neg'. to be fair i dont want to know reactions to a half-fae, because that would mean during the war between fae and humans, a fae got together with a human. and we know that that relationship was looked down upon even now in the future where the war is over, i think.)

(this book made me such a sebek apologist 😭)

like COME ON dont brush it off. i mean im going to cry for that conversation because its just going to be PAIN but like CMONNN????

where are the consequences?

then again this isnt real its just. a dream.

but...

also what if the dawn knight is silvers dad and lilia fucking idk kidnapped him and it started the war [although he'd be way too young in that case since this is 400 YEARS in the past] (but then theres the note lilia read him which means silver probably did get abandoned. .......or maybe lilia killed the dawn knight and his last words were giving his son over and that note about not wanting silver's eyes to cloud over in sorrow, and to instead be as clear as the jewel on the ring...)

or or or or

AHHH

i have. so many thoughts.

i STILL believe silver's at least related to the dawn knight. ...im just not sure how but i keep backtracking to son because yes.

and like itd also play into the 'fae stealing children' idea thingy. although i wonder if thats more offensive if that gets mentioned at all. if it was like some sort of propaganda bedtime story that humans told their children to make them terrified of fae and viewing them as monsters or something..

like

cuz

remember that merchant in the port town(?) area thing

first mistook us for monsters because of our masks (but thats fair)

realized we were like fae?? made a racket

this guard came over and the merchant accused US of threatening the guy to hand over his shit like what??? WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?? we dont even want your fucking spices or whatever wtf ???

i am also a believer that there's a huge misunderstanding between the fae and humans that caused this war.

but also.

i know twisted wonderland is very tragic and everything

but if the dawn knight and the ironclads kill malleus' mom im going to hate them so much. more than i already do [well i hate the ironclads, not the dawn knight, since one bad apple doesnt make them all bad apples]. (look they probably killed raverne but..... malleus' parents man. one is better then none. :( )

god

imagine though that the dawn knight is silvers dad (in whatever twisted time loophole age gap thing whatever the fuck even if it doesnt make sense)

and the dawn knights kills maleanor . . .? i. cant remember (OKAY maleanor is malleus' mom.? and maleficia is like grandma. i think... i. bro the overuse of mal is confusing me so bad sob)

just. imagine silver spiraling into a sort of self-hate. like. im the child of your enemy. my dad ("your dad is LILIA." says someone) killed malleus' parents...

and it probably feels worse then. idk. being a human in a land of fae. like so much more out of place

and so horrible

ahh im worried

..then again maleanor (i almost said maleficia oops) is super strong right? so she'd probably win.. (but also. its a lot harder to fight with something to protect. that being your precious little eggwhich you would probably die for to keep safe) ALSO SHE DIED SO LIKE ???

hhh i dont know what to think

JP SPoilers now

also really fucking worried because JP server's all the way in like idk pomefiore and im just like

how did you even get there. whAT? THIS ENDS?

like i know it'd have to end eventually but i just cant see an end in sight...

:((

i hope we can bring lilia with us. but there might be a chance he'll be made to fall into a deeper sleep where we cant assist since the whole point of his overblot was about lilia and wanting to keep him 'alive' and there

so.....

im just. sad.

[bastardrobocop]

not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.

[qqueenofhades]

I agree with you on the happily ever after!!!!

Regardless of the way the comics end, I think in adaptation Hob and Dream are happily ever after material.

The whole point of Dream saying that life is pointless when it’s just his duties and Death reminding him that he has an appointment with Hob, is to show how Dream immediately changes his mind to “ah, yes, life does have a meaning after all, I have to apologize to my friend”. The simple, unrestrained joy that Dream shows as soon as he sees Hob, it’s just unmatched. Dream is never shown to be that happy again in the series. And we don’t see them talk!! Ever!!! The show gives them so much privacy, it shies away from their reunion like it’s an old school sex scene. AND THEY SHOW DESIRES REALM IMMEDIATELY AFTER SHYING AWAY!!!! I’m going insane, if you will excuse me.

And Ferdinand’s Hob treats his life and love and humanity in general as something very precious and it shows in him. I think the queer subtext (it’s just text but ok) really elevated this story, because now that Hob waits for Dream for thirty years and builds a pub for him, you can see that it’s not just joie de vivre that makes him capable of living forever, but also his devotion. To his life, to humanity and to Dream.

The devotion that they feel to each other, despite only meeting for 6 times in their lives and overall spending with each other about a day or two in literally hundreds of years, and YET.

YOUR HONOR THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC STORY IVE SEEN IN MY LIFE MAYBE!!!!!!

Well, I wouldn't go so far as saying (IF WE EVER GET SEASON 2 I AM GOING TO MURDER NETFLIX MYSELF) that Dream/Hob is going to be HEA material in the TV show, or that they'd go to change canon so far as keeping Dream alive, or whatever else. However, I do think that the queer subtext/text that they've added to it (and indeed, explicitly acknowledged that they've added) changes the way they have to write that relationship going forward, Hob and Dream's interactions, and the emotional tenor and weight of it. Because as people have noted, in the comics, Dream doesn't miss their 1989 meeting; he just shows up as planned and things go back to normal. But because moving the TV show to the modern day means that Hob waited 33 years past their meeting date, saved the White Horse, built the New Inn, and otherwise demonstrated this whole new depth of (queer) devotion... you can't handwave that aside and go back to "resolutely heterosexual dudebro and his spooky friend meeting up just to Be Bros." Also god bless Ferdinand Kingsley for being like OF COURSE THEY'RE BOYFRIENDS and Tom Sturridge for being like "well if Dream loves these humans he's just met, how much more does he love Hob who he's known for 600 years?" They understood the assignment. Thank you for your service, gentlemen.

Anyway, I am old and Tired enough that I have long since gotten past hanging my hat on canon validation/endgame/Word of God confirmation (especially since I have a knack for shipping things that are Doomed by the Narrative and/or bad writing. Argh). So either way, it doesn't matter to me what they do with it. Well, obviously it does and I reserve the right to have Strong Opinions on it, but it won't make any difference to my fandom activities, my feelings about it, my writing/fanworks about it, and so on. So yes. Regardless of what ultimately happens in show-verse, they're still HEA in my mind (after due amounts of Idiocy and Struggle, of course). The end.

[exnihilo-comic]

hello zero. do you have a rec list of songs? a playlist?

ok, so theres no easy answer for this

idk how to describe my musical tastes. i guess i could put them in a 3-axis graph, like this, and just kinda let the artists fall where they may

ive always enjoyed obscure and acoustic indie artists, as well as weird and obscure rock bands and mainstream rock bands. im always scared to "actively" listen to music for some reason. ill just find something i like and then seek it out organically after listening it.

pink floyd - i used to listen to my mom's pink floyd CDs on my sisters stereo a lot. my mom bought them to entertain guests whenever her friends would come over for drinks. 'Animals' is my favorite, and i never got into 'Dark Side of the Moon' that much but i liked its themes. 'Animals' gives me feelings of being a kid and imagining what it's like to be an adult. if you look at the album art for 'Wish You Were Here' along with the art and lyrics in the CD booklet, it all gives a very futuristic machination feel and it unnerved me so much i didnt listen to it. it scared me. now i love it, and its my favorite PF album art. look up tattoos of it, its great.

the real tuesday weld - contender for my fav band. i own physical music from them more than any other artist. i saw the video for Bathtime In Clerkenwell as a kid on MTV and it blew me away (anyone who knows me knows i love animation + black and white + russian art). when i realized it wasnt just a video but a music video for a band, i went down this rabbit hole of the entire band and it made me appreciate weird electronic lounge music. this is what P!ATD tried to do but failed spectacularly. its music from the past if they had the tools of the future. i listen to their music and i feel like im dreaming, its ethereal. their last album they released (the next to last to be released) was called Dreams and thats what i feel when i hear them.

i think my fav songs lately are Let It Come Down (calming jazz lounge) Silicone (noir theme for two fucked up lovers) One More Chance (cabaret duet letter from Lucifer addressed to God). one of my fav videos is probably the one for Me And Mr Wolf (contains blood and cartoon violence) my popsocket is lifted right from the video. it looks rough, i know

the peculiar pretzelmen - i heard these dudes bc i was actually looking for music like TRTW. they describe themselves as "voodoo death stomp" and it reminds me i love sad angry folk music and bluegrass. you, yes you, specifically, notfredjohnson, ive told about them to before. i have listened to a LOT of their work all year and are my current go to for music to listen to during my drive to work.

rabbit foot blues - hardcore romp ode to those with nothing and everything

sing along - how do you accept that someone doesnt want to be in your life anymore? i guess sing a song

crazy man michael is an amazing heartfelt cover of a beautiful song from the 70s

other songs i tend to like a lot solely bc i REALLY like female vocalists. i just do, they carry so much pain and hurt in their voices that just comes natural to a female singing voice.

behind these hazel eyes by kelly clarkson, nobody's home by avril lavigne, im sorry i love you by the magnetic fields, sober by p!nk, the lions roar by first aid kit,

diamonds cutting diamonds by lydia ainsworth, waiting around to die by the be good tanyas, iron horse by mean mary, with me wherever i go by laurie lewis

theres so much more in so many weird and different genres so i think ill close with ein astronaut. heres turn, which im obsessed with (i fucking love accordion) and here he is doing vocals for WREN in she'd never know

[aster-pkmn-irl-real]

DREAMER - does your muse have any recurring dream? if not, what was their worst nightmare?

And!

CHEATING DEATH - what does your muse think about death? are they afraid of it?

oh ummmm that first one is kind of like. hard to answer cause i actually don't sleep that much tbh,,, it isnt a thing where i just refuse to sleep or like im overworking myself i grew outta that phase but like i havent been able to sleep properly at all for as long as i can remember (ALSO YES IVE TRIED CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE IT DIDNT WORK) so i dont really dream thatttt much. but recently when ive managed to get to sleep ive had this dream where like. it reminds me of this one fairy tale (read: reading comprehension passage) i really liked when i was younger called marzia and the seven harlequins. i talk about it more here. (https://www.tumblr.com/aspens-lab-moved/740062909838884864/whats-a-book-that-features-your-favorite?source=share) but basically in the dream i take the role of marzia and eight other people (none of whom i recognize?? which is kinda weird) take the roles of her friends. but basically what happens is i turn like 13 in the dream and my pichu and i set out on this journey where basically we have to reset this timer in order to prevent the world from being destroyed by 'god.' so as we journey throughout the land over the course of 5 years we meet these people and we become friends and they join my cause. along the way my pichu also eventually evolves into a raichu. what happens is like basically each of these eight friends start to go missing one by one, until theres only me, my raichu, and one last friend left with his raichu. and the two of us keep going on our journey to reset the timer and stop god from destroying the world and when we get to wherever we're supposed to be stopping god there's an altar at the very top of this tower which is on top of a mountain. when we find god, whos like just sitting on the altar having a good time ig, we realize that our friends went missing because every time we got closer he was taking them as sacrifices to make him stronger. then he takes my raichu and our last friend as the final sacrifices and its just me and this eevee left to reset the timer and make sure god doesnt destroy the world and basically like the eevee evolves into an umbreon and we're able to reset the timer and destroy god because he didnt realize that the timer doesnt function on sheer power but its cause like love and hope and devotion are how it chooses its master so its reset but in the process the umbreon and i are killed, but we wake up to this really bright light, where we're meant to spend all of eternity together all alone because we're dead and we have to watch over the timer now in order to reset it next time and next time and next time because that way nothing changes and the timer can always be guaranteed to be reset and then i start crying in the dream and then i wake up its a weird fuckin dream and then for the second one . its kind complicated ig. im not going into detail for kind of obvious but i do have a few experiences regarding death and stuff and they definitely had an effect on me. i wouldn't say i necessarily fear death. i don't want to die but at the same time if i were to be killed i wouldn't try to fight all that hard yk? like if it happens it happens. theres not a whole lot i can do about that. im going to die anyway. all i can really do is love the people i love while i can and hope that when i say i love them they know i mean it and try to live a life that i won't regret when my time comes. and i dont really mean that in a yolo way but i moreso just wanna like. pay attention to my life and the world around me and i wanna pay attention to what i pay attention to. i dont want to die but if it happens i dont want to waste time trying to cling to life when i could be doing something better with my time

[pesterloglog]

Kanaya Maryam, Rose Lalonde

Act 5, page 2726-2731

-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --

GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This

GA: But Actually

GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd

GA: And Somehow

GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least

GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach

GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand

TT: You're rambling again, Kanaya.

GA: Okay Sorry

GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say

GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide

TT: Oh?

GA: Yeah

TT: Sorry to hear you were subjected to that.

GA: Why

TT: It was a little melodramatic in retrospect. Heavy-handed.

TT: But now it's stuck on that server forever, broadcasting the notes of very confused girl sifting through the aftermath of just another pedestrian apocalypse somewhere in paradox space.

TT: Have you ever written a message you regretted instantly upon sending?

GA: Lately

GA: Almost Perpetually

TT: That line included?

GA: Wow Yeah Kind Of

GA: Also

GA: That One

TT: I'm sure you must regard the walkthrough as pretty quaint.

TT: As a veteran of the game.

GA: Actually

GA: At The Time Of Reading It Lent Some Useful Insight

GA: Into The Nature Of The Game I Hadnt Yet Considered

GA: And

GA: The Author I Guess

TT: At the time?

TT: When exactly did you read it?

GA: Uh

GA: By The Way

GA: What Are You Doing Here

GA: Is This Part Of Your Ongoing Investigation

TT: Yes.

GA: Are These Tactics Really Necessary

TT: It's faster this way.

TT: If there's one thing you and your friends regularly remind us, it's that time is not on our side.

GA: I Know

GA: But I Thought Our Methods Earlier Were Effective

GA: In Illuminating The Underpinnings Of The Game

GA: You Ask Some Questions

GA: And I Answer

GA: If I Can

TT: Yes, that has been effective.

TT: But you don't know everything, do you?

GA: No

TT: My current strategy is comprehensive.

TT: Your notes have been helpful, but the facts you've supplied are being cross-referenced with understandings I already have, and data gathered by the sort of means presently on display.

TT: I still have more questions for you, which I will ask in time.

GA: Okay

GA: But These Means Presently On Display

GA: Are Making Me A Little Nervous

GA: I Think Its Kind Of A Reckless Use Of

TT: Of what?

GA: These Forces

TT: Dark magic, you mean?

GA: Yes

GA: Well

GA: Influence By The Gods From The Furthest Ring

GA: The Communion You Seem To Have Developed With Them I Find Kind Of Troubling

TT: I don't think they are as nefarious as you might imagine.

TT: Many of them seem to be intent on helping us.

GA: How Exactly Do You Know That

TT: From their whispers in my dreams.

GA: How Much Time Have You Really Spent Sleeping

GA: Since You Began Playing

TT: Not much.

TT: But quite a lot in a failed timeline.

TT: And now and then, memories surface from that alternate reality.

TT: Vague memories, but unmistakable in familiarity, like spontaneously remembering a dream from years ago by some inexplicable catalyst.

TT: In that reality, they spoke to me in my sleep and told me much of what I needed to know.

TT: Including what to do to reset our timeline and create the present reality.

GA: That Makes Me No Less Nervous

GA: Our Understanding Is That Influence From Doomed Timelines

GA: Though Seemingly Necessary To Advance In The Alpha Reality

GA: Is Generally Inauspicious

GA: Travelers From Such Branches Are Marked For Death

GA: And Though It Was Only An Insubstantial Part Of You Which Traveled

GA: Just Memories I Suppose

GA: Its Still Troubling

TT: I have assurances I'm on the right track.

TT: Surely you must have spoken to the gods by now.

TT: What did they tell you to make you so suspicious?

GA: Actually

GA: I Havent

GA: I Have Never Visited Derse Or Traveled Beyond The Veil

GA: Prospits Moon Was My Home

GA: For Most Of My Dreaming Life

TT: It was?

GA: Yes

TT: This surprises me.

GA: Why

TT: ...

TT: Good question.

GA: Skaia Was Always The Foil For My Curiosity

GA: But It Only Showed Me What I Needed To See

GA: It Very Much Had The Presence Of Something Sentient

GA: And

GA: Benevolent

GA: But Silent

GA: Not Something To Converse With Or Be Instructed By

GA: Or Anything With An Agenda Beyond Which It Knows To Be Manifest Already

GA: Like A Very Clear Mirror

GA: That Has Everything There Is To See Inside It

GA: But Only Some Things Are Visible At Any Given Moment

GA: I Always Trusted It

GA: And I Dont Trust Gods That Would Eschew Its Light

TT: You didn't actually answer my question.

TT: When was it exactly that you read my walkthrough?

GA: Oh

GA: A While Ago

TT: Before you first contacted me?

GA: I Have To Confess That

GA: Ive Been Experiencing Something Like

GA: Impression Whiplash

GA: Since That Time

TT: What do you mean?

GA: At First I Thought You Were Foolish And Incompetent

TT: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression.

TT: It was an honest mistake, I swear.

GA: You See Thats What Im Talking About

GA: That Was A Very Snarky Remark That Happened Just Now

GA: Stratified By Your Signature Varieties Of Insincerity Which Cut Through The Literal Meaning Of The Statement Like Colorful Ribbons

GA: And The Net Intent Is Something Maddening To Try To Know

GA: Its Meaning I Think Exists At The Inscrutable Nexus Of Semantic Space Where Humor Chafes Against Soft Malice

GA: A Place Perhaps The Human Mind Occupies More Comfortably I Dont Know

GA: Xenopsychology Isnt My Strong Suit

GA: Or Even A Real Word

TT: ...

GA: Uh Yeah I Know Im Babbling Again

GA: The Point Is Its Not The Type Of Behavior A Very Stupid Person Can Perpetrate

GA: And So My Impression Has Thrashed Around From Conversation To Conversation

GA: And Now

GA: Rather Than Suspecting You Of Incompetence

GA: I Have Begun To Fear Just The Opposite

GA: I Think You Might Be Dangerous

TT: To whom?

GA: Maybe Not Knowing That Is What Really Bothers Me

GA: Why Dont You Put The Turtle Ruins Down

GA: And Return To Your House

GA: I Have Sketched Some New Outfits For You That I Think Are Nice

GA: We Could Try To Make Them

GA: It Will Be Fun

TT: You seem to have taken quite an interest in my wardrobe decisions.

TT: Are all trolls so fashion-minded?

GA: Urrgh No

GA: Sadly

TT: Maybe later.

GA: What If There Isnt A Later

TT: Well, we already know there won't be.

TT: That's nothing new.

GA: I Mean

GA: There Not Being A Later Might Happen Sooner Than You Think

TT: Wow, what?

GA: I Mean

GA: For You Specifically

GA: Okay

GA: This Was Something Else I Wanted To Say

GA: Or Ask About

GA: But Im Afraid My Asking Might Play A Role In The Outcome

GA: And I Dont Know If I Want That

TT: The outcome will happen one way or another.

TT: Whether you have something to do with it or not.

TT: You might as well ask me.

TT: At least when it happens, you'll understand what it is that's happening.

TT: And just maybe, if we're really lucky, so will I.

GA: Um

TT: I have a question for you too.

TT: Let's swap ignorance, ok?

GA: Alright

GA: I Cant See You In The Future

GA: The Viewport Wont Let Me After A Certain Point

GA: Its Black

GA: But Only For You

GA: Not The Others

TT: When?

GA: Several Hours From Now

GA: Do You Know Why This Could Be

TT: I have no idea.

TT: I can't see the future.

TT: I'm a disreputable Derse Dreamer, remember?

TT: But I promise that if I have a hand in it, it won't be because you told me.

TT: Does that make you feel better?

GA: Sort Of

GA: But It Remains Ominous

TT: Is that why you want to dissuade me from my admittedly zealous investigation to go play dress-up again?

TT: Because our time here is almost up?

TT: And you hope what's on the other side of the dark curtain for me is not some sort of corruption or damnation?

GA: Also Sort Of

TT: That's thoughtful of you.

TT: To strive to pacify me as I scuffle down this black corridor.

GA: Wait

GA: Is That What Im Doing

TT: Is it?

GA: On Second Thought

GA: Thats Not What I Want To Do

TT: Oh.

TT: That's a pity.

TT: Who will make sure my soul isn't forfeit in service of gods then?

GA: Well

GA: I Hope That Doesnt Happen

GA: But Id Rather Not Get Stuck In That Kind Of Pattern Again

GA: So If You Want To Wreck Turtle Villages And Tear Your Planet Apart On The Counsel Of Dark Gods

GA: Fine With Me I Guess

TT: What do you mean, "again?"

GA: Ur

GA: Ill Do The Thing You Do When You Dont Say Anything

GA: "..."

TT: One simple word can so easily begin a story in a very thick book.

TT: But I guess we won't open this one?

GA: What Was Your Question

GA: I Believe Youre Owed Some Compensatory Ignorance

TT: Yes.

TT: I was wondering.

TT: What do you know about the Green Sun?

GA: Ive Never Heard Of It

TT: Thank you.

TT: The transaction was very tidy.

GA: Agreed

[rigelmejo]

April Study Plan Updates

noticing myself falling into that rabbit hole of ‘studying too many languages, gonna neglect progress in all!’ 

or the similar ‘using too many resources, gonna neglect making progress in any!’

ToT

suddenly felt like refreshing my french (which future me, that study plan would be: french comprhensible input youtube videos and shadowing, reading Le Francais Par Le Method Nature and finishing it, then optionally finishing some french books). but realistically i do NOT have time right now. improving that would be a “do i need it” and then do all that for a few months straight.

---

Chinese is mostly on track but I’m really whittling down what I’m doing because it’s become sort of chaotic:

Chinese study plan:

1. Read anything (priority is ONLY hanshe on Pleco app, or Guardian print novel - I do not have time for anything else. My goal right now is to be at hanshe chapter 80 by the end of the month, and to get to the end of the Sundial arc in guardian because that’s how much I’ve read of the english translation so far) 2. Listen to Chinese Spoonfed Audio, shadowing when I can (I am over 1/3 through I CAN finish it, I’m putting Listening Reading off until later because that is so time intensive I need to finish at LEAST one thing I’m reading before I can carve out time. This is ultimately lower priority, but I do NOT want to see myself start from scratch again on this, and do not want to L-R method or listen to other audio until I’ve went through this).

Anything else is OPTIONAL rn I do not have time. The 2 optional activities I’m prioritizing: 

a. Watching Two Souls in One, shadowing when desired (although any show would be fine but it would be nice to Not abandon a show lol) b. go through my hanzi characters book, SPECIFICALLY practice writing and make mnemonics to remember the TONES. saying the hanzi pronunciation out loud when i write. (While this is optional I would like to do it for several hundred freaking common hanzi because like... firstly, I’m studying japanese again and Definitively knowing the hanzi pronunciation and tone and comparing it would allow me to review/test that better as i see the japanese readings - and help me keep them firmly separate as HANZI WITH SOLIDLY AUDIBLE TONE versus japanese readings. Because right now a LOT of hanzi i ‘partly’ know i know the initial-final-meaning of and can recognize in reading and tend to just sub-vocalize when i read with no-tone or a tentative guess, and all those ‘partly known’ i really do not want to get mixed up with japanese. Thankfully it is pretty hard to confuse shou3 and te 手, or zu2 and ashi  足, because the japanese words sound pretty firmly japanese pronunciations and those hanzi are pretty hard imprinted in my head with their pronunciation in chinese already. But that may not always be the case! And my writing in chinese is like 0% skills and I think writing would help them them stick in my head when it comes to a lot of the ‘partly’ learned once I have more vague recognition of. Also again just... I know mnemonics have worked for me to remember tones but then I just stopped doing it when I went reading heavy. And knowing hanzi but not their tone is a huge weak spot, so sitting down and forcing myself to write it out will help it stick. I imagine this will be a longer term project of a few months, but it only takes like 5-10 free minutes in a day to do several so I should try when I feel like it. 

---

Japanese goals:

1. continue through nukemarine’s memrise courses. No excuses mejo if you feel you need to ‘prepare’ then just continue the vocab courses instead of the grammar. 2. continue reading Tae Kim’s grammar guide (when you can focus - I would ideally like to see myself finish the first 2 sections since I’m almost done with section 1).

Optional:

a. listen to some lets plays (I just looked up a bunch of persona lps -3-)/

*I really do not need to do optional anything rn. I want to read - I need more freaking vocabulary! (Parasite Eve, the Galaxy Train, those are down the road when reading is something less intensive). I already KNOW at the end of the month when Nier Replicant comes my ass will be playing that game in english and japanese. I already know right after that my psp’s coming and my ass will be playing crisis core. I will get some ‘immersion’/practice in soon. But I’d really like to just... grind through the nukemarine courses as MUCH as possible while I still have the very rare ability to do flashcards fast. (I go through periods where I can do 100-300 flashcards a day, and then suddenly it takes me 1 hour to do 5-10 cards and i give up again). Last time I studied japanese (for 2.5 years ;-;) I did NOT make it this far through the nukemarine courses. Poor past mejo really dove in fucking blind into japanese games with like 500 words maybe from genki and maybe 200 from nukemarine’s courses and just TRIED. Wild. I’m not doing anything that hard again lol. Present mejo would like to get at MINIMUM 1000 words in before I try that again this time around. I’m about 300 through the 1000 first words (and 300 through the grammar deck which has some extra words, and through 500 kanji but tbh kanji meanings are much less horrific now that i know some chinese to help me remember and associate). So I’ve got like... until the end of April to study 700 more! If I keep doing 40-200 a day that should be doable. 

I just know myself and the instant this ability to flashcard focus leaves I will not go back to it for months, and also the instant I get back into playing video games a Lot in japanese I will abandon any other structured study... at least for a while. Last time I did it for like 4 months, it was pretty hard, and then I just kinda just stopped studying. Phenomenal. I’m hoping if i know a BIT more words I’ll be less likely to just abandon things. We’ll see. 

LATER (end of month?)

b. play some games ovo)/

**Longer term, I’ve been desperately getting the urge to read through my Japanese Sentence Patterns book, my Japanese in 30 Hours book. Also to go through the Japanese Audio Lessons. HOWEVER. I think a few things need to happen first. First, I need to finish at least maybe 7-8 of nukemarine’s courses - I do not want to be doing them AND a textbook/another course, I would like to do them one at a time. Second, I need to finish reading Tae Kim’s Grammar Guide - that is why I want to get done all the nukemarine courses that coincide with it, and read through it that far, at least. I cannot read 2 textbooks at once, I WILL abandon one and probably finish neither. Third, I need to finish Chinese Spoonfed Audio - I know myself and I absolutely can’t focus on multiple audio prioritized activities in a study plan. I can’t listen to the DeFrancis audio and get Through it, I can’t do the Japanese Audio Lessons. In fact Japanese Audio Lessons I might ‘only’ do because it would slip in as a nice replacement activity when I finish Chinese Spoonfed Audio. An audio I can listen to while walking/working out/chilling. 

---

KEY overall goals:

Chinese: I want to finish a novel (Guardian hi baby), which has been the goal since day 1. 

After that: I want to work on audio comprehension (so Listening-Reading), shadowing (can do it in l-r or with any audio), and SOLIDLY knowing the hanzi I partially know (so probably continue through my hanzi books - I should consider using my Alan Hoenig book again tbh).

Japanese: I want to finish 7-8 nukemarine courses, and try playing video games again. 

After that: playing video games, looking up words, having fun! (And MUCH later, when there’s time - read the textbooks I have. Then even Later... try diving into reading whenever I feel ready to do that...or whenever the mood randomly strikes).

**The bolded goals I plan to actually do this April-May (guardian I may only finish section 1 but hey its a solid portion). “After that” goals are my next concrete things I want to do. 

just personal goal notes below

---

Personal goals:

1. Workout everyday (actually 5-6 days a week cause I think breaks can be good, but I’m aiming for every so when I inevitably skip one that’s the break day lol). 50 crunches, 70 pushups, at least 15 minutes cardio. I’ve been sticking to it pretty well! Hardest part is just... I hate being sweaty a lot -.- Also I’m fairly sure eventually I am going to need to add more specific time for bodyweight workouts (probably 20 minutes minimum) if I want to get any results similar at all to back when I went to the gym (which was like 12 minutes HIIT then 8 minutes cool down cardio like walking, 10 minutes warm up with pushups/crunches and stretches, 30ish minutes just weight machines, some cooldown stretches and/or walking). I want to do a few specific muscle workouts but like god baby steps, i need to consistently just work out at the MINIMUM before i add stuff because i will absolutely quit if it gets complicated or time consuming. ‘any cardio’ is very flexible so i will actually do it. (also hopefully that means when i switch To a specific thing like ‘do this for a week or 2′ because i’m consistent with working out so i can move into consistent in ONE specific workout, i will be able to stick to it). 

2. Eat low carb, low sodium (apparently -.- ). Try to get my bloating to stop getting so bad constantly, try to make my stomach stop hurting for a consistent amount of time. I would like to get it feeling good for a week or 2 straight before I eat something that hurts it again (and next time I hurt it I have got to do a one-off thing then be nice to it again :c ). I got too cocky last time. I know I hate how boring it all tastes i know but i need to just do it long enough for it to help. 

[oklcmc]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀،̲،̲⠀⠀⠀𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐄𝐃 𝐎𝐔𝐓 [𝟏𝟖+]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀゛⠀So I’m askin’ God for help，⠀⠀⠀Lord， I’m just a G and I need her，I didn’t treat her the way that she was meant to be treated ‘cause Lord，I did her wrong and she’s gon’ leave!⠀〟

໒꒰ྀི⸝⸝․․⸝⸝꒱ྀིა summary：⠀⠀⠀‘’⠀⠀⠀in which the ultimate mistake of fezco’s life leaves him vexed and instead seeking refuge in a recurring dream with a once responsive illusion of his grandmother.⠀⠀⠀‘’

໒꒰ྀི⸝⸝․․⸝⸝꒱ྀིა word count：6，502

໒꒰ྀི⸝⸝․․⸝⸝꒱ྀིა pairing：fezco ❪conor angus cloud hickey❫ ✕ black!dentistry undergraduate!female oc ❪taylour dominique paige❫

໒꒰ྀི⸝⸝․․⸝⸝꒱ྀིა forewarning：this imagine will contain use of drugs and alcohol，extreme angst，strong language and implicit infidelity. fluff emerges somewhere in the end. read at your own discretion.

໒꒰ྀི⸝⸝․․⸝⸝꒱ྀིა fun-size playlist：i. jagged edge - walked outta heaven，ii. tory lanez - walked out，iii. sg lewis - warm，iv. tory lanez，ashanti - a fool’s tale ❪running back❫，v. omarion - ice box，vi.  faith evans，mary j. blige - love don’t live here anymore，vii. toni braxton - talking in his sleep，viii. beyoncé - pray you catch me，x. b2k - sleepin’，xi. frank ocean - if i’m in love，xii. trey songz - made to be together，xiii. frank ocean - got the keys，xiv. justin bieber - runaway love，xv. lucky day - over，xvi. frank ocean - try，xvii. the carters - lovehappy. yes，this is sequenced!  ‹𝟹

໒꒰ྀི⸝⸝․․⸝⸝꒱ྀིა author’s note：⠀⠀⠀‘’⠀⠀⠀hello my sweet babies! i wanted to very，very quickly state that fezco’s character in this imagine is going to be sort of complex compared to the kind of light you’re probably used to him being cast in. i wanted it that way to be reminder that no one’s perfect. we all either made or are going to make mistakes in this thing called “life，” and it’s up to us to learn from and mend them just as he’s doing in this.

secondly，don’t be shy on clicking the “follow” action，sharing your critique under my work or by use of my inbox or simply reblogging it! it has been extremely tough，especially as a black author， trying to gain exposure for my craft these past few yrs with my return to this app. i’m not attempting to use this as a crutch either. i know i’m a relatively slow writer or notorious perfectionist，to put into other words，and i’ll always stand on this， but i’m extremely grateful for each and every like，reblog or follow that i’ve gained thus far! i won’t stop ‘til i’ve received my proper recognition. all of this is to say， support a black author today! not just for the month of black history，but year round! thank you so much and happy readings to you all!⠀⠀⠀‘’

East Highland · Late October

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀𝐎𝐌𝐍𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓

⠀⠀⠀𝓣he rather hefty parts and pieces of the Graco Hadley brand 4-in-1 Convertible Crib and Changer being aureoled by the dim light of the shadeless lamp upon the 5-drawer chest on the frigid oak floorboards before him bare striking similarities to just what kind of turmoil brewed within his love life these past three months.

Dismantle.

That was merely ever the terminology that his mind could zero in on as his ocean blue eyes skimmed over the “Storage and Care” portion of the manual. Damn shame heartbreak wasn’t a part of the description. Maybe then he’d have it all together just how he’d envisioned it to be, but he instead sat slouched against the oak footboard of his King size panel bed the very second he allowed the extended piece of paper to slip from his fingertips and sweep off into the shadows of the bedroom by use of the desk fan.

His head tilted back against the footboard before his low eyelids fluttered from the effects of his three-month binge in dark liquor, Xanax and his preferred strain of indica. Normally he’d be the one supplying the addicts, but now he could sense himself progressively morphing into one and not just in an inebriated fashion.

It was evident within his lack of self-dignity, his lack of attentiveness when it came to his circle of close friends and immediate family members and even the negligence of his own former business ventures. If it weren’t revolving around them then he hadn’t really seen a point in entertaining it.

He snatched the half-empty Hennessy V.S. brand of cognac up by it’s glass handle on the floorboards next to him before going to take yet another effortless swig from it. The warm liquid came surging through his glacial system like chiseling away at a block of ice and like any passing day over the course of the past three months, he could finally feel himself come alive again, even if only for a second.

Finally, he had found the courage to move from his place on the hardwood flooring, reaching his free hand back for the perimeter of the footboard and using it in assistance to hoist himself up on his own two. His body swayed with his turn as he faced towards the bed in which his 13-year-old brother, Ashtray had then rested upon.

He had drifted off in the midst of lecturing his only legal guardian and luminary on just what kind of negative impact he bought upon him and those around them in the span of the last three months yet again. If it weren’t about the sales plummeting in their local convenience store or illegal drug distribution due to no one taking him seriously at his age then it was about his best friend, Rue Bennett’s relapse and if it weren’t about that then it were about him being a better support system then he’d ever be due to the fact he’s the only one still allowed to keep in close contact with the mother of his child these days. Ashtray was mainly running this shitshow himself, and what did the expecting father have to say for himself? Nothing.

Though the feelings that Ashtray were vocally expressing to him were probably logical, it had only been flowing through one ear and out the other as he guzzled more liquor. This wasn’t the him that mostly everyone grew to love, but a hallow shell of what was.

Nevertheless, he still found the courtesy to yank his comforter over his resting sibling after an exhausting twenty-hour shift at the convenience store before staggering his way over to his chest of drawers to retrieve his pack of Black & Mild Cigars, Butane torch and the 4D ultrasound photo of him and his baby mother’s 36-week-old offspring that he received through Ashtray. With these items, that including his preferred brand of cognac, he found himself stumbling his way into the only room within the townhome that still seemed forbidden to step into, and that was his Grandmother Kitty’s bedroom.

There was an unexplainable draft whisking the air. Something similar to that of his heart which still hadn’t failed to make the hair on the nape of his neck rise.

The only light being emitted was from the floor lamp crammed into the corner next to her hospital bed. The only sound being generated were from the machines keeping her afloat.

He swore he hated to see her in this vegetableesque state. He wanted someone to converse with this late at night without passing judgement. Someone who would be straight forward with him about his wrongdoings without a tactic following soon after. That someone was Grandma Kitty.

The floorboards croaked with each step he took further inside the rather dim room in order to reach her bedside. One clumsy miscalculated step ended with drops of Hennessy staining the fabric of her quilt and his forest green cable knit sweater as his closed fists sunk into the side of the mattress in which she rests upon in order to prevent further damage.

Sure, the bed had shifted over an inch or two from it’s initial placement, but no harm had truly been done. You could always leave it up to him to be dishing out apologies though.

“I’m sorry, grandma,” He slurred, his chin tucking into his chest as tears whelmed in the brim of his eyes. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry!”

He couldn’t quite comprehend how he reached this breaking point within his life or how it begun even. Things that were ranked at an all-time high in his serotonin were suddenly beginning to plummet rather vastly and now he was left to apologize for things he genuinely had no control over. The spill, coming to his grandmother’s aid a second too late when she collapsed in the bathroom at ten years old and even the events that took place leading up to the breakup with his long-term girlfriend dated back only three months ago. It all hit the fan at once and he had no idea on how to stop the blades from turning this time around. It was time he faced the music.

Feeling less than empowered as a man for finally casting his emotions over his grandmother, he found himself scampering his way to the opposite side of the bedroom where a window resided, leaving behind the 4D ultrasound photograph of his offspring.

The thought of it was nonexistent, even when he went to place all the items left cradled in his arms, that excluding the pack of Black & Mild cigars, on the overbed table responsible for holding his grandmother’s medication before he snatched the rather thick fabric of the drapes of her window back.

Lightning branched across the murky night sky, illuminating the small town of East Highland in it’s hues of purple and blue, a roll of thunder following shortly after it’s initial appearance. Torrential rain commenced, tapping at the rooftop of their townhomes as his tears mirrored that emotion.

“Why so blue, Snowflake?” Her Italian Harlem drawl ran as deep as he last remembered it to bed as an adolescent.

He wasn’t at all startled by this, more so comforted as the overfamiliar sound of her continuously striking her thumb against the wheel of a Zippo brand lighter until it ignited added on to his nostalgia. The blaze guided his gaze in the direction of where an young phantom of Marie O’Neil— Grandma Kitty, if you will— rested. She took the place of her elder vegetableesque equivalent on the hospital bed, one leg propped up even in her typical attire of business casual flare leg pant suits, cotton button-ups and bloody stiletto pumps. Now that was the Marie O’Neil he knew.

The pungent aroma of nicotine laced the air. The smell had always lingered there, no matter how many times he’d attempt to try and smother it with Febreeze brand air freshener. It became another faint memory that he and Ashtray had grown immune to with each passing day. 

“I fucked up...” He finally owned up to the reason he was in that position to begin with, his forehead gently falling against the frigid windowpane just as another bolt of lightening split the night sky, this time reflecting against his porcelain skin.

“Okay, so you stuck your dick in someone and thought you wouldn’t end up with a baby,” Marie sputtered on her cigarette in her usual unapologetic demeanor until she went to pull back from it and hunch her shoulders. “Big deal. You know I’ll take care of it for you.”

“No, grandma,” He simply shook his head, recollecting all the outcomes of his grandmother correcting his wrongdoings for him in the past. There was nothing she could say or do that would reverse this. It was his to undo. “This is... It’s so much deeper than that.”

“Intrigue me.”

“Guess who passed their midterm Biochemistry exams?!” Zhané Richardson, better known as “Bébé,” an dentistry undergraduate and expecting mother, busted through the steel doors of her newly purchased luxurious estate. Clad in her muave medical scrubs, the gift of a pink Christian Dior Book Tote she received from her high school sweetheart which was now responsible for keeping her MacBook Air and textbooks, swinging from her forearm alongside her Pandora brand charm bracelet and more vivacity than she assumed she would have after an eight-hour course at only a solid six months.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐒⠀⦂⠀* ZHANÉ ⅋ FEZCO’S⠀╱⠀crib.

She posed with amusement, one foot remaining planted on the doormat outside while the other remained planted on the zebra print entrance rug inside as she held on to the door’s handle for support with a goofy smile playing on her full lips, just anticipating her boyfriend or his baby brother’s greeting, but nothing to her dismay.

That’s weird, she thought, sitting upright before going to step further inside and shutting the door behind her. She could’ve sworn she seen his car parked out in the driveway.

“I knew I would! I told you guys I would!” She babbled gloatingly, slipping out her Nike Air Max Plus “Atlanta’s” and neatly placing them aside before going to step down the short set of steps to access the open living room area where she’d carelessly fling her designer bag onto the shrink wrapped love seat alongside the jacket of her scrubs. “Bring out the sparkling wine! It’s time to celebrate! Oh, and sense you guys did help me with my studies, dinner’s on me tonight! No ifs, ands or buts about it, Fez! I think the baby wants ramen.”

Hearing no calculated objections from her partner as she normally would whenever she offered to pay for something, Zhané continued her lap throughout the first floor of the home, thinking she’d come up on a surprise of some sort, but she instead stood in the middle of the custom kitchen with her hands atop of her growing stomach.

This had to have been some type of practical joke being played by the two. It wasn’t often that it happened nowadays, especially with her being pregnant, but she could sense it coming a mile away.

“You’ve got to be kiddin’ me,” She huffed, her irritation becoming more evident as she once again waddled past the family room and formal dining room areas in order to reach the L-shaped staircase that would lead her way to the second floor where the master bedroom was and the straight staircase that would lead her to the lower level where the recreation room was. “Babe?! Ash?! Where are you two?!”

Although the recreation and fitness rooms were often occupied by the two when it came to a friendly competition of billiards going down or even blowing off stem while pumping iron, Zhané’s intuition routed her up the L-shaped staircase on account of the eerie silence that followed shortly after her calling. The house was almost ever this quiet in the evening time which raised her suspicions even more.

Zhané had reached the second level of the house cradling her stomach with merely an ounce of oxygen left in her petite frame to continue further on down the mezzanine leading to the ajar double doors of her bedroom. It seemed as though the more her dark brown feline eyes zeroed in on her destination, the more it’d seem to distance itself away from her.

The sun began to set over East Highland through the foyer windows to the left of her which had only made it easier for Zhané to make out the silhouettes moving in sync through the flickering candlelight striking against the right flush door of her bedroom. Their panting was damn near deafening as she moved with stealth towards the door way, each step she took across the plush carpet left an temporary imprint. Tears whelmed up in the brim of her eyes, her throat tightening around her airway, making it almost impossible to breath as she went to push the doors open to reveal another woman besides herself mounted in her man’s lap, in her brand new bed and all she could bring herself to utter was a single name.

“Fezco...”

“... She’s been gone for three months now, grandma. She cut all physical contact from me completely. I call, text, send gifts and even drop by the school every now and again, but she still rejects me. I mean, I get a few photos and letters through Ash sometimes, but it doesn’t compare to actually havin’ her wit’ me. I’m tired of not being able to come home to hear her voice or being able to kiss her. I feel like a child that’s lost at seven!” Fezco exclaimed, circling the armchair by her bedside before going to fall back in it with a slump.

His grandmother laughed softly, watching her grandson fidget with the carton of Black & Mild cigars he had within his grasp for a bit before he proceeded to open them, slip one out, lazily place it between his chapped lips and politely signal for her to ignite it for him which she obliged to do so.

“Sounds like you’ve been bitten by the love bug, Snowflake,” The cigarette still burned between Marie’s fingertips as she went to pick a piece of lint from her tongue. “Have you learned your lesson?”

“Hell yeah,” He answered without hesitation, smoke escaping his nostrils. “I can’t picture my life without her. This is a woman I’d lay down my life for, her and our unborn child.”

“Well while you sound so confident within yourself, I’m not your fairy godmother. I can’t just wave an magic wand over your head and expect for things to revert back to normal. I very well wish that I could, but Snowflake, this is reality. You’re going to have to get with Zhané face-to-face and tell her how you really feel.”

“How am I suppose to do all that when all she does is pull away?” Fezco sighed out, rubbing his fingertips along his thumping forehead.

“Fezco, if it’s meant to be then she’ll come around and she’ll forgive you.”

With this advice, Marie O’Neil stood up from her spot on the bed and planted a gentle kiss upon her grandson’s aching forehead before making an exit from the bedroom, leaving him alone to relish in that very thought yet again.

The overfamiliar and repetitive buzzing of an silenced iPhone located within the kangaroo pocket of his Karl Kani brand hoodie caused the ginger to peel his heavy eyelids open from a recurring dream.

He sluggishly went to sit upright in the armchair situated at his grandmother’s bedside; briefly rubbing his eyes in closed fists before going to stretch his arms above his head although the ache of being hunched over in an uncomfortable position for such a long period of time was still evident within his lower back. As if that weren’t enough, his head still pounded and his mouth had almost immediately ran dry as a result of his hangover.

He fished through the pocket of his hoodie in order to retrieve the active cellular device. He squinted his watering eyes and batted his full lashes at the beaming screen until they finally focused in on the caller ID.

Bébé.

His heart palpitated and his palms had broke into a cold sweat at the full-screen live photograph of him and his long-term girlfriend sharing an affectionate kiss in the master bathroom of their new home just a few months ago, a photograph he hadn’t seen in several months. He had premediated this very moment so many times before that he ran out of the right words to say once going to accept the incoming call on the last buzz.

“Zhané?! Bébé, I’m here! Everything alright?!” Fezco greeted with panic laced within his drawl.

“Uh, hello! B-Bonjour! Is this... Freshco?” The smart remark he was preparing himself to hear blare through the transmitter from his girlfriend had turned into a masculine voice greeting him in their broken English instead.

“It’s Fezco, man. Who’s this? Why do you have my girl’s phone? Where is she?” Fezco spoke calmly though his nerves were shot to hell as he stood up from his grandmother’s bedside and went to raid the kitchen area for his desert eagle and car keys.

He was never too trustworthy with new people entering Zhané’s life, especially ones he never even met. He was planning to make an example out of what would happen with this one had he stepped out of bound during this conversation that they were holding.

“My apologies. I Pierre, Zhané doula.”

Zhané had been fixated on natural childbirth, midwives and doulas since her first trimester when Fezco gifted her some Pregnancy & Care books from Barnes & Noble alongside that expensive Christian Dior brand tote she used for dental school and charm bracelet to put her mind at ease some when everyone else, including her parents, assumed she was being dense for actually falling through with an unplanned pregnancy with someone of his caliber. “Trailer Park Trash,” is what they’d call him and his baby brother often, but it hadn’t phased him. Not even once. He remained respectful whenever they’d come around and made sure that Zhané hadn’t held a grudge towards them because of it. “You only get one set of parents, Bébé,” Is what he’d say through her fits to get her to actually look at the bigger picture. He never thought she’d actually fall through with it, especially with a male doula, at that.

“I thought only woman do that shit?” Fezco scratched at his buzz cut with the barrel of his gun, trying to make sense of it all until it registered in his mind of who this call was actually pertaining to. “Wait, what’s wrong with Zhané and the baby?!”

“I won’t exactly say anything wrong, but she insist for me not to call parent, so that where you come in. She in labor after you friend, uh, Ruby Bennett? Make unexpected visit at le house? Moi guess she come in handy because she le one who inform me. I must urge you to get here soon as possible, ‘cause... Moi no think she can hold much longer.” His warning was soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream that had Fezco practically yanking the device away from his ear while simultaneously batting his full lashes in disbelief that a sound like that was even capable of emitting from another human being.

“What do you mean ‘Much longer?!’ You couldn’t call me any sooner than this?! You mean to tell me that she’s having it there?!”

“If you mean home then... oui!”

“Alright, man. You just make sure that she doesn’t bring my child into this world without me being present. I’m on the way.”

“I try my best. Hurry, and please drive safe!”

Hearing the overfamiliar beeps of a call ending on his smartphone, Fezco tucked his desert eagle in the waistband of his black pants and his phone and car keys back into the pouch of his hoodie. He treaded to the back of the townhome, this time to wake Ashtray with a few light slaps to his face.

“What, you asshole?!” Ashtray groaned, his slit eyebrows knitting together in irritation while his eyes remained shut.

“Ash,” Fezco rattled his baby brother’s body until witnessing his eyes peel open. “Ash, it’s time. Zhané’s having the baby.”

Echolocation became pivotal at that given moment in Fezco’s life. He became reliant on the continuous swooshing resonating off the high-mast lighting poles planted on either side of the deserted highway and the tires of his Dodge Charger Hellcat gliding against the sleek road, draining in through the parted windows rather than the state of his own subconscious as he pressed his foot on the pedal of the gas to accelerate.

The waxing gibbous moon, the forewarning of a speed limit and even the clouds of smoke cascading from his Black & Mild had only became specks in his tunnel vision. Lucky Daye’s “Over” playing at a low volume over the stereo had set the tone for the night and was drawing him right back into a shameful recollection of his girlfriend once again.

There was no other terminology besides mortified to describe Fezco’s emotions in that moment as he stood in the middle of their master bedroom, surrounded by sealed cardboard boxes in only a pair of boxer briefs as he restrained the love of his life while his fling made a run for it. In all their years of dating had Fezco seen Zhané so upset over a situation and it frightened him, but only because he was oblivious on how to annihilate her temper though it was logical. Selfish as it may sound, this couldn’t be where it ended.

“Let go of me, Fezco!” Zhané shouted through a weep, her legs flailing in midair as her overlay simultaneously went digging into his forearms which were tightly wrapped around her underbust.

“Not until you calm your ass down! You’re not gonna put my child’s life in fuckin’ jeopardy over some petty shit, real talk!” Fezco bellowed.

“You choose now to be fuckin’ concerned about us?!” She sneered through a laugh, still struggling to break past his restraint until she took notice to how he wasn’t budging and finally broke down in his arms. “I promise I’m not going to do anything, Fez, just please let go. I need to catch my breath...” She wept.

Her plead had almost sounded like a double entendre to him as he hesitantly went to turn her loose.

He watched her movements intently as she sat upright from her previous position and went to smooth out the new wrinkles within her uniform before facing him with a soft expression plastered on her face. Even through fresh tears, Fezco thought she was beautiful.

“I never meant to hurt you, Bébé—” His cliché apology was cut short when her hand went flying across his face, ‘causing his head to whirl in a totally different direction. He could sense that one coming.

“Fuck you!” She croaked through clenched teeth, a hard swallow and violent shove following soon after.

“Okay, I deserved that,” He nodded, peering back into her glossy eyes. “Can you at least give me a chance to explain myself?”

“If I were you, I wouldn’t waste my breath. It won’t change the fact that you’re a cheater or the fact that I’m leaving your sorry ass.” Her words were venomous, seeping into his nervous system and turning his body rigid with panic by the second.

She turned her back on him yet again, but not before he went to grab ahold of her wrist.

“Don’t walk out on me, Bébé...” His voice quaked with desperation, causing her to be overcome with stillness. She had almost felt sorry for him until reflecting on the fact that he was in their bed with another woman besides herself not even a few minutes ago. 

How pathetic, she thought.

“I said let... Go... Of... Me!” She grimaced, snatching away from him before going to carry out her failed plan from earlier.

Zhané bought the sputnik chandelier and track lighting of the walk-in closet to life by use of a switch before entering with raging fury in search of her Louis Vuitton Virgil Abloh Monogram Mirror keepall with Fezco hot on her trail. Only she’d know he wasn’t going to give up on her that easy.

“Y’know, you can be really self-absorbed sometimes, Zhané.” Fezco stood on the opposite side of the closet’s island, watching as she struggled to grab one of her keepalls from the top cubby though she shouldn’t have been reaching above her head to begin with. He knew just as much as she did, but he wasn’t about to expedite the process of her departing from him by volunteering to help her. He was hoping that his words would do all the damage control needed. He was desperate enough to say anything to get her to stay and work it out.

“As if I don’t have every right to be, Fezco,” She mocked, absentmindedly tossing any item belonging to her inside the open bag. “Spare me the excuses. I think I’ve had enough of those for one night.”

“I just don’t understand why you’d want to throw a good thing away. Everything we worked so hard for. A better life for Ash, a better life for us,” He approached her, reaching for the bag clenched within her hands. “I can’t let you leave like this, Bébé.”

“Then you fuckin’ leave, Fezco!” She shouted, her bottom lip quivering as she shoved the bag into his chest. “I can’t stand the sight of you right about now! You make me sick! Just pack your shit and go!”

“If that’s what it’s going to take to gain your trust back again then so be it.”

“Good! Leave your key on the kitchen counter when you’re through.” With these words exchanged, Zhané exited that closet a woman scorned.

“What’s got you zoned?” Ashtray questioned from the passenger seat, reeling Fezco back in from his flashback.

“Family feud, man,” Fezco drawled, shaking his head. “Just family feud...”

Fezco and Ashtray had both successfully managed to storm the estate they were once allowed to call their “New home,” a quarter past one o’clock in the morning with their hearts in their mouths. To say that they were apprehensive about coming a second too late to the arrival of their daughter or niece was an understatement. To make matters even worse, Rue was right there anticipating theirs.

“I ain’t got time for your shit tonight, Rue! I’m dealing with enough as is. Whatever you’re lookin’ for, you ain’t gon’ find it here.” Fezco had only glanced over at the teenager he called “Family” as they rushed towards the staircase.

Frantic and clad in her usual attire consisting of an oversized graphic T-shirt, wrinkled slacks, solid black crew socks and a pair of tatted Converse. Rue was sweating profusely, her disheveled hair clinging to the pasty flesh of her face and neck while her eyes were damn near sinking into her skull as her lengthy arms hugged at her petite torso tightly.

She was going through drug withdrawals and destroying everything within her path in order to get her next fix. Zhané just so happened to get hit in the crossfire. Never mind the nativity of her own God daughter.

“Listen, Fez, all I need are a couple oxies to get me through the night and I promise, I’ll be out you and Bébé’s hair for good. I’m so sick, Fez! Look at my eyes, Fez! I need something! My mom and Gia have been drivin’ me up a fuckin’ wa—” Rue babbled belligerently, her clammy hands flailing every which way during her speech as Fezco had only halfway listened. She knew he had heard enough when he had turned to face her once reaching the second floor of the house.

“I just said that I don’t have it, Rue! God damn! What are you not getting?!” Fezco shouted, his face softening shortly after as he pointed in the opposite direction than what they all were walking in. “Go home, Rue.”

“Okay...” She whimpered, gripping onto the glass baluster, and it had almost sounded convincing to him. “Make it opiates and we have a deal.”

Damn, was she an hell of an actress.

“Ahh!” Him and Ashtray exhaled deeply before continuing their journey to the open master bedroom at the end of the hall with the addict hot on their trail.

The sporadic bursts of screeches and heavy panting resonating from their destination caused for them to pick up their feet quicker in order to get there.

Fezco, being the first to split the bedroom door, rushed past the crammed powder room and walk-in closet area leading to the master bathroom in the nick of time to witness Zhané hunched over the perimeter of the raised platform Jacuzzi bathtub in only a pink Nike brand sports bra and her usual worn knotless box braids thrown up into a messy bun. Even with the windows cracked open to circulate some type of air and a glass of ice at her side, beads of sweat still formed at her hairline and the curve of her discolored lips all the while her usual bronze complexion had become far more pasty than Rue’s. She had been in active labor for going on five hours now thanks to her and had finally felt the urge to want to push.

“Bébé—” Three months without seeing her and all Fezco wanted to do was comfort her in her time of need, but all of that was halted once an unfamiliar face came into view.

Pierre Louis was an artist and doula deriving from Nice, France whom Zhané had met while doing her monthly grocery shopping at the local Whole Foods Market. Who would’ve thought that a simple lesson on the benefits of consuming dairy while pregnant on the same aisle would draw them this close?

He was model thin, standing at an intimidating 6′0″ with dewy skin, shoulder-length locs, oversized ears and a chiseled jawline, charming smile and bedroom eyes that most would’ve died for! He was the epitome of a work of art. No wonder Zhané dug his vibe so much.

“Freshco, is it?” Pierre inquired, sticking his hand out.

“It’s Fezco, man,” Fezco corrected, grabbing a hold of his hand before giving it a firm shake. “I’m not sure what y’all got going on, but I’m just here to check in on my lady.”

“Oui, of course—”

“Keep that cheating son of a bitch and dope fiend away from me!” Zhané managed to shout through a contraction.

“Woah!” Ashtray gasped from behind Fezco, cocking a slit brow at Zhané‘s new demeanor while Rue’s face twisted in it’s usual animated fashion whenever shit was going left in her life, now being the perfect example.

“That’s not fair, Zhané. That’s my baby just as much as it is yours!” Fezco shouted, attempting to push his way inside the room, but Pierre had stopped him from doing so at the sound of Zhané straining.

“Please! She go through a lot right now! Bébé crowning!” Pierre exclaimed, pushing at Fezco’s solid chest until he was standing on the opposite side of the threshold with his family again. “We no want to cause her anymore stress, so just wait here ‘til I tell you we finish, oki?”

“Whatev—” Fezco was cut short with the door being slammed in and locked in his face. “Want me to call the ambulance?!”

No response.

“I think I’m gonna be sick!” Rue heaved, clutching at her churning stomach yet again.

“Go sit your ass down, Rue!” Fezco bellowed, shoving the small waste basket sitting beneath Zhané’s vanity into her chest before dragging her frail body out into the open space of the bedroom and forcing her down into the zebra print chaise lounge as she began hurling up her guts. He had, had enough of her antics for one night.

He fell back onto the ottoman in front of the chaise with his pounding head falling into his hands while Ashtray fell back onto the neatly made King size bed before whipping out his iPhone.

“Ay, this the same bed you fucked that bitch on?” Ashtray inquired, his eyes remaining glued to the screen of his iPhone.

Fezco kissed his teeth, picking his head up to glare over at his baby brother with animosity.

Really? At a time like this?

“What?!” Ashtray exclaimed with his shoulders hunched.

“And if it was?” Fezco shot back in a monotone cadence.

“Then I don’t want to be lying in it.”

“You already are...”

Though fabricated, Ashtray kissed his teeth and wasted no time standing up from the bed and going to sit in the desk next to it instead.

Bloodcurdling screaming and the occasional encouraging “Push!” emitted from the bathroom often. They adapted to it rather vastly though Fezco would still find the urge to want to go knock and see if everything was copacetic, but then there was Rue, even in her ill state, reminding him that it was best to let Pierre do his job.

Five minutes of impatiently bouncing his legs had turned into ten minutes of pacing the carpet and after an additional and much-needed 15-minute smoke break out on the balcony, Fezco could no longer contain his apprehension.

“Ash, you’re the closest person to Bébé right now besides that fake ass Basquiat in there. Why don’t you make yourself useful and go see what’s happenin’?”

“Man, I ain’t going to look at that shit!” Ash remarked, nonchalantly flicking his wrist in his older brother’s direction as he leaned on the back legs of the hardwood chair that he was situated in. “I got a weak stomach as is. We all better off waiting out here if you ask me.”

Of course, he of all people would say this.

The door to the bathroom creaked open and out walked Pierre, wiping his wet hands off with a hand towel, causing all three of the occupants left in the bedroom to stand at his attention for the report on Zhané they were about to receive.

“Zhané deliver healthy six-pound bébé girl!” Pierre announced, causing them all to verbally rejoice.

“C-Can we see her now?” Fezco asked, clasping his hands together before bringing them up to his pursed lips.

“Oui!” Pierre responded, extending his hand out towards the open bathroom door. “I go make phone call now!”

Prior to giving birth to a healthy six-pound baby girl, Zhané was unfulfilled by all the turmoil that was transpiring within her life. There was Fezco’s affair debacle followed by her snobby parents’ consistency of wanting to see her fail rather than succeed in life and to make make matters worse, her grades in dental school were beginning to slip.

It all came at her so fast that she didn’t know when to slam on breaks until Pierre entered her life with clarity. He was heaven sent, constantly reminding her that this too shall pass, and it had. The sight of her baby girl; petite, red-headed with light eyes and speckles covering her tawny skin from head to toe was most rewarding. The very sight of her drove her to tears. Though what Fezco had done to them was unforgettable, Zhané had no reason to hold animosity towards anyone anymore, not even her own parents. She felt she had a reason to live again.

Seeing Zhané still situated in the tub, admiring her greatest creation of all, Fezco lightly tapped his knuckles against the bathroom door in order to garner her attention before he, Ashtray and Rue entered.

“Hi.” Zhané greeted the trio gutturally, twitching a smile in their direction as tears stained her flushed cheeks.

“Hi.” They all responded in unison, Rue extending a weak wave.

“Are y’all going to continue standing at the door or are you going to come meet her?” She giggled.

They gravitated towards her, some being slower than others, just to get a look at the newest edition of their family.

“You wanna hold her?” Zhané asked, glancing up at Fezco whom had his clammy hands tucked within the front pockets of his pants.

“Oh... N-Nah,” Fezco quickly shook his head, glancing down at his Air Jordans. “I’ll probably drop her.”

“It’s your daughter, Fezco. Don’t be ridiculous,” She nudged her head at the empty platform next to the tub. “Sit.”

Fezco obliged, sitting on the platform before holding his hands out for his daughter’s arrival. It seemed surreal that she was finally here.

Zhané placed the swaddled infant into her father’s arms, adjusting her head into a more comfortable position.

The very moment Fezco laid eyes on the yawning infant was the moment he discovered the true definition of love again. The feeling of wanting to guard someone with your life’s dependency and also get your act together while doing so though you had only met their acquaintance less than a few minutes ago came full circle. He just couldn’t believe they both made something this beautiful.

“You did great, kid. She’s beautiful,” Fezco cast his emotions unapologetically, batting away a few tears, causing them to drip onto the receiving blanket that she was wrapped in. “Just like her momma,” He looked to Zhané who gave him an empathetic smile in return. “Bébé, I’m so—”

“I know, Fez...” The truth of the matter was that Zhané had some apologizing to do herself, but she didn’t want to take this moment away from their child. After all, it was her special day. “Let’s just focus on her for now. She’s going to need that more than any of us.”

Fezco simply nodded in agreement, leaning in to peck her lips to which she hadn’t protested against him doing so though she could distinguish the Black & Milds lingering on his lips. That was yet another discussion for a later time.

“Damn, Bébé, your genes didn’t stand a chance!” Ashtray commented, causing laughter to commence between each and every individual in attendance.

“Oh, hush, Ash!” Zhané giggled, going to adjust the pink cap on the resting infants head, causing her to slightly stir in her sleep. “She needs a name...”

Fezco reflected on the recurring dream he had of his grandmother earlier in the night and took it as a sign.

“We’ll call her Marie... Little Marie O’Neil.”

Zhané understood the gravity of the situation and hadn’t questioned it, but instead embraced it.

“Marie... I think she’ll grow into that one perfectly. I love it, baby.”

They shared one last passionate kiss before the flashes of an ambulance truck in the distance of their estate began to cast in through the open windows of their home. They were finally back at one, only this time with some minor changes to get accustomed to.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀paulo goude as 𝐏𝐈𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐄 𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐈𝐒

⤷ occupation：artist and zhané’s doula

[alj4890]

I got an ask we know Riley gets kidnapped by Anton but what if Anton was in love with her and he didn’t wanna kill her but makes her his. What if Olivia killed Claudus for shooting drake.

I love the way you think, Nonny! I actually would have eaten this up with a spoon if that had happened in canon. To be honest, I really liked Justin in book 2. If he had been a new love interest, I would have done a play through just to see what happens if Riley chose him 🤦🏻 Of course then we find out he is behind all the bombings and such so...oops, LOL. When I first saw your request, I made an aesthetic with just Justin/Anton and Riley in mind. I completely forgot to add a definite OTP of mine, Drake and Olivia, to it. Smh. The story though will definitely include them along with Riley and Justin. I am so tempted to turn this into a series 🙊

@gkittylove99 @krsnlove @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @yourmajesty09 @mom2000aggie @ofpixelsandscribbles @twinkleallnight @lodberg  @amandablink @neotericthemis  @mm2305 @sfb123 @iufilms

Masterlist

True Intentions

It had happened when he had not been paying attention. It shouldn't have happened at all. He had one goal. One mission. Nothing had ever come to mean more to him than that. Nothing. No one.

Until Riley.

He knew he shouldn't have spent so much time with her. He shouldn't have helped Maxwell in picking the right dresses for her. He shouldn't have stuck around to see her come out of dressing rooms, an excited smile upon her face, as she twirled around for them to give their opinions.

It had taken all his will power to keep from telling her what he truly thought. Riley's beauty was simply stunning, not because of her outer loveliness, but more that he saw her inner beauty shining through each trial she faced. Her strength amazed him. Her wit brought a smile to his face. Her kindness touched his heart.

It made him begin to long for things he shouldn't. They shouldn't be a part of any dream or plan he had.

And yet...she was beginning to crop up in his thoughts. In his dreams.

In his plans.

He winced as he tried to get comfortable.

His plans hadn't exactly gone as he had hoped. In fact, he should have talked to his men and explained that Riley was not to be a target.

Thank God for Drake. If he hadn't jumped in front of her, she would have been taken from me.

His lips twisted in another painful grimace.

"Are you in pain?"

Justin looked up and tried to smile. "Just a little."

His nurse shook her head. "I told you to buzz before it got too bad." She gently checked his wound.

"I don't want to be a bother." He mumbled.

"You aren't." She patted his hand. "You aren't any trouble at all." Her nose wrinkled. "We had a few nobles cause unnecessary problems when the attack happened."

"Really?"

She rolled her eyes. "Some were knocked down during the chaos and demanded they be admitted."

He chuckled softly. "Sounds like something they would do."

"It's a shame that good people like you were seriously hurt while those spoiled nobles try and take all the attention." She readjusted his covers after administering some more pain medication in his IV. "I don't know why King Liam is so hellbent on bringing them back to court."

"What do you mean?" Justin tried to fight the effects of the pain medicine. "What's he doing?"

"He and Lady Riley are going on some type of tour to some of the major houses to personally invite them to their wedding."

His brow furrowed.

A unity tour. That would work on these small minded individuals. It was a smart move. The public were already Team Riam. Once the royal couple convinced the most powerful houses to come to their wedding, all the other minor lords and ladies would follow suit.

"Well played, Liam." Justin's eyes drooped closed. "Well played."

**************

He couldn't believe that they not only convinced Madeleine's entire family, but also somehow got all of Portavira on their side.

"What's the plan?" Claudius asked.

"We need something big to remind everyone that we aren't a one trick pony." Justin told him.

He looked out the window. Leaves were beginning to change with the first hints of autumn in the air.

A hint of a smile appeared as a plan began to form.

"It would be a shame if Cordonia's apple orchard had a bad year, wouldn't it?" He eyed his second in command.

Claudius chuckled. "It really would."

******************

Justin watched as every channel showed the devastation of the orchard near Applewood. He couldn't help but smile over Riley making the people love her even more for her righteous anger. Her promises to bring those responsible to justice along with making the orchard bigger than before made him nearly burst with pride.

She had grown into her role more so than he had ever imagined. Gone was the timid young waitress from New York who uttered no comment when reporters surrounded her. She was a confident woman now who could think on her feet.

Justin thought she was more attractive than the first time he had seen her floundering in front of the cameras, in desperate need of a hero. It hadn't been a bother to rush to her side then and put his arm around her. Her wide eyes had lifted to his and he had nearly melted from her beauty.

He still couldn't believe that she forgave Liam for choosing another over her. Granted Madeleine impressed him with how she could manipulate reporters into spinning a story to her advantage, but Riley was so many things that the cold countess was not. She deserved better than what she got.

And he planned on giving it to her.

*****************

A week after the orchard burning, he turned to see the one rarely far from his thoughts.

"Justin!" Riley rushed over to engulf him in a hug.

"How's my favorite media darling?" He asked.

She leaned back and gave him that smile that was brighter than flash bulbs. "Much better now that I know you're recovering." She playfully glanced about before whispering, "Save me from Madeleine!"

He laughed as he hugged her once more. "I don't know. I've seen her work and can't find fault with it."

Riley pouted. She linked her arm with his as they walked down the hospital hallway. "I prefer your guidance to hers." Her nose wrinkled. "It's weird being told how to act by Liam's former fiancée. I know there wasn't anything between them, but still."

Justin patted her hand. "Tell you what. If Madeleine is unable to do her job or you decide to fire her, then I will gladly step back into my old position." He dug around in his pocket for the earpiece she had used during Liam's engagement tour.

Her smile reappeared. "Old faithful."

"I'm always Just-in-time." He teased.

*****************

It had been too close. He hadn't expected Riley to go anywhere near Constantine. And there she was, by Liam's side, graciously accepting some necklace from the old man who had destroyed her initial happily ever after.

His heart had nearly stopped as he watched rubble fall around them. Riley had frozen in fear over Liam's safety. It was a nightmare come to life as pieces of the wall and ceiling began to collapse.

At least one good thing had come from this: one king was dead.

It sadly wasn't the king he needed to die.

Justin began to plan how he would comfort Riley once Liam was gone. He wouldn't have to tell her it was he, himself, who orchestrated his death. But he would make certain to enjoy the benefits of it.

His eyes narrowed over another slight problem he had.

He was going to have to kill his own wife too.

******************

Lythikos...

It had been almost too easy. Madeleine was already in need of a distraction after hearing Liam gush over how excited he was to marry Riley in a few weeks. Once she requested a fruity cocktail, he knew then that the poison could go undetected taste wise.

The bartender left to go replenish the champagne. Madeleine's irritation over having to wait on a refill was drawing attention.

"Here." He grinned at her. "Allow me to make you another."

Her eyes widened. "Aren't you that press secretary that helped Riley?"

"I am." He began to mix a strong cocktail for her while adding the poison, all right under her nose. "And I must say you are the best I've ever seen."

Madeleine's irritation disappeared over the compliment. "I am, aren't I?"

"Riley's lucky to have someone so knowledgeable in ways of both the court and public like you." He added.

"Yes, she is." Madeleine muttered. "I'll do anything for my country, even if it is a thankless job."

"You should be recognized for your sacrifice." Justin handed her the deadly drink.

"Yes, I should." She took a gulp.

"How is it?" He asked.

"It's the only good thing here." A tipsy grin appeared on her face when she saw Riley. She grasped Justin's hand and pulled him in her wake. "Let's go say, hi."

"Boooooo!" Madeleine giggled when Riley turned around. "It's the ghosts of press secretary past and present."

"The what now?" Riley lips trembled with suppressed laughter as she looked up at Justin for clarification.

"I'm the ghost of press secretary past." He winked at her.

"OoooOooo!" Madeleine swayed where she stood.

"Whoa, there." Riley tried to steady her. "You okay?"

"She's had a little too much." Justin mimed drinking.

"It's a party!" Madeleine slurred. "It's in the worst place ever but it's a party and I'm going to...going to..."

"Enjoy it?" Riley offered.

"Extractly!" Madeleine's brow wrinkled over that not being the right word. "Expactly?"

"Exactly." Justin corrected.

"That."

The crowd quieted around them when Olivia took the stage to offer a final toast of the evening to Liam and Riley's wedding.

"Woo!" Madeleine cheered.

Riley and Justin tried to shush her.

Her giddy smile fell as her rosy cheeks drained of color. "Somefing's not..."

"Madeleine?" Riley lost her grip on her when she swayed violently to the right. "What's--"

Madeleine hit a table, causing the plates to clatter and the vase of blood red roses to fall over.

"I hate this place." She collapsed on the floor.

"Madeleine!" Riley dropped to her knees and tried to bring her to. "Liam! Mara! Come quick!"

Justin stepped back as the two came to see what was wrong. He watched as Olivia made her way through the crowd to find out what the all the fuss was about.

"What's wrong with her?" Riley asked.

"She's been poisoned." Mara whispered.

*******************

Justin loved seeing the delighted surprise once more on Riley's face when he said he would take over Madeleine's duties for the rest of the tour. It would have been a perfect moment if Liam had not been standing there. He was ashamed to think of his nearly giving himself away when he panicked at the sight of Olivia walking in behind him.

He wished Lucretia would quit trying to push Olivia into going into the family vault. She had a sick sense of humor in wanting her niece to discover she was already married. For some reason, she did not approve of the way her niece depended on her friends for support.

Justin knew the power friends could have. Had he not been trained by his own parents' friends, he wouldn't be the worthy man next in line to the throne. His comradery with his own men inspired their loyalty and willingness to die to make him king.

He needed to distance himself from Lucretia the moment they got out of Lythikos.

****************

She was supposed to come alone! Why did she bring Riley? I can't kill her. I need her. I deserve to have a choice in the one I want ruling by my side. The people already adore her, much more so than they admire Olivia. I was supposed to become free of this marriage. Once she and Liam are dead, I'll be able to be king and have--

"Justin?" Riley's eyes were clouded with confusion as she looked first at a picture of him dressed in a royal uniform. "What is this?"

"I'm sorry, Riley." His voice cracked on her name.

Justin reached in his pocket and pulled out a revolver.

Lucretia cackled with glee as she told her niece the truth about her marriage.

Justin stood there silently as the woman he loved shook her head in denial.

She's so incredibly sweet to doubt a friend could be the bad guy. I hate that I can't pull her away from all this and simply explain why I should be the ruler of Cordonia. I deserve it. I worked for it. My entire life was made for me to take the crown. She would be able to understand that. Look how far she's come in her own life. Who could imagine a waitress from some dive bar in America would come to be the next queen of a small European nation?

"Do it already!" Lucretia hissed. "Shoot her!"

He couldn't do it. Even as he held the gun steady, pointed directly at the woman he loved's heart, he couldn't shoot Riley.

"Get away from her!" Liam ordered.

Justin spun around to see the king and guards filling up the narrow passageway.

"I thought you said this was secure." Justin snapped at Lucretia.

"It was." She held her hands up in surrender.

Justin watched as she stepped forward, pretending to stumble.

His eyes widened as once again his love was trapped within a collapsing room.

He managed to see her safely end up in Liam's arms before escaping through a hidden passage.

He left Lucretia to the guards. She had served her purpose and was sadly of no use to him any longer. Now he could plan what he truly wanted to happen.

*******************

Liam and Riley's wedding day...

"I don't care who you kill. Olivia and Riley are to be taken alive." Justin told the small team of men he was sending in. "If you have to wound them to get them here, make certain Riley's is non life threatening.

He ignored the questioning look Claudius sent his way.

"Bring them both to our stronghold." His eyes narrowed. "Do not fail me."

****************

Later that night...

"Good work." Justin straightened his jacket. He wanted to look his best when he saw Riley again.

Claudius smirked at him. "Just think of all the men we would still have if you had let me go alone."

Justin chuckled. "True, but at least we are free of our weakest links." He smoothed his hair back. "Now take me to our guests."

***************

"I know the real Justin is somewhere in there." Riley leaned as far forward as her bindings allowed. "You helped me gain the love of the people. You know that if you kill me, the people will not readily accept you as king."

He couldn't help but smile. "I know and that is why I don't intend to hurt you."

"Then why kidnap us?" Olivia demanded.

He turned toward her. "If I'm to be king, then I have to take the necessary steps to claim the throne." He motioned for Claudius to come in.

"You're the one who shot Drake!" Olivia shouted, struggling against the ropes biting into her tender skin. "You'll regret that."

"And you tried to kill me!" Riley added, narrowing her eyes.

"That was a mistake." Justin quickly said. "You were never to be harmed."

"Then why all the attempts?" She asked. "Why do you persist in--"

"You weren't supposed to be here, Riley." He knelt down in front of her. "You should have stayed in New York until the time was right"

Her eyebrows drew together. "What are you talking about.

Justin asked Claudius to remain with Olivia while he took Riley somewhere private.

"If you think for one second that I will remain with this man while you take her away go do only God knows what," Olivia's chair creaked at her straining to break free, "then you don't know what a Nevarkis is truly made of!"

Justine rolled his eyes over her rant as he untied Riley from her chair. He kept her ankles and wrists bound together. He swept her into his arms and carried her out.

Olivia's shouts were silenced by the sound of a hard slap.

Riley struggled in Justin's arms. "What did he do to her? OLIVIA?!" Tears streamed down her cheeks. "Justin, please don't--"

"Nothing's happened to her." He took her into a surprisingly clean, yet drab, sitting room.

Riley was dropped on a chaise lounge. She eyed the door then Justin.

"I'm not going to hurt you." He repeated. He gently cupped her cheek, fingers brushing along her jaw line. "I love you too much to ever harm you."

Riley stilled. She looked up at him. "You what?"

He knelt before her. "I'm in love with you. It didn't hit me until you told me you had accepted Liam's proposal on the train. I didn't plan it, but I refuse to hide my feelings any longer." He smiled at her. "You've proven yourself as the rightful Queen of Cordonia. Once Liam and Olivia are dead, you and I can rule this country as we see fit. We'll--"

Riley shook her head. "Justin," she believed he was deranged and knew she had to handle this carefully, "I'm flattered. Really I am. I mean, we both know I would never have gotten this far without you."

His smile grew at her realizing she owed him for her meteoric rise within the court.

"But if you kill Liam and Olivia, the people will not feel any love or loyalty for you." She tilted her head as she studied him. "Surely you see the problem with this plan."

"People respect power." He explained. "They respect someone who fights for what is rightfully his. Since my birth, I have been meant for something greater. My parents, Olivia's family, even my soldiers realized that I alone am worthy to rule over this country." He focused once more upon her. "And I've seen that you are the one to do so by my side."

Riley shook her head. "Justin, I am honored," her voice cracked on that lie, "to have your love but I can't accept it." Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm in love with Liam."

"Riley, he didn't choose you." Justin argued. "He left you on your own to fight against nobles, the press, even his own father. You deserve so much more than being an afterthought."

Tears slipped down her cheeks once more. "That wasn't what he did. He was trying to protect me. And I--"

He leaned down and kissed her.

She froze at the touch, refusing to participate.

"Once Liam's gone, you will see the truth." Justin promised.

"I won't." Her eyes narrowed. "As long as I live, I'll hate you with everything within me for taking him from me."

"You don't have it in you." He shook his head in amusement. "You've forgiven everyone. Olivia, Penelope, Madeleine, even Constantine. You never hold a grudge."

"You'll be my first." Riley vowed. "Liam is the love of my life. If you ruin my chance to finally be with him, I will never forgive you. As long as there is breath in my body, I will find a way to destroy you."

"You are amazing." He murmured, knowing she was speaking from her heart. He couldn't wait for that devotion to be for himself.

"Anton?"

The two turned to see Claudius in the doorway. "Liam should be here any moment."

Justin nodded and told him he would meet him and the rest of the men downstairs.

He lifted Riley in his arms and placed her back in the cell with Olivia.

His wife had the bruised imprint of Claudius's hand on her alabaster cheek. Blood had dried on her bottom lip. No tears had fallen from the force of the hit. Her left eye was bloodshot as she glared up at him.

"Liv?" Riley choked out. "Are you--"

"I'm fine." Her harsh answer echoed in the chamber. "It will take more than some two bit thug to hurt me." Her eyes did a quick scan to make certain Riley wasn't hurt.

"If you will excuse me, I have to go prepare for Liam's last night on earth." He retied Riley to her chair.

She threw her head back with all her might to connect with his face.

His glasses broke from the force of her strike. Blood poured out his nose as he stumbled away from her.

"Don't ever," his voice dropped to a hiss, "do that again, my love." He gripped her chin and jerked her face up toward his. "You will learn how to behave soon enough."

He slammed the cell door and left them alone.

"Did he hurt you?" Olivia whispered.

"No." Riley bit her bottom lip. "Not yet."

*****************

"Where is my wife?" Liam demanded.

Justin couldn't help but be impressed. The young king was standing before him, completely outnumbered, yet didn't show the slightest flicker of fear.

He asked the one question that he himself would have asked if Riley was taken from him.

"She is well." Justin replied. "Which is something I can't promise about your own well being."

"I want to see her." Liam bit out. "Now!"

Justin's chuckle was interrupted by a hastily whispered message from Claudius. His head jerked around to search the dim hallway as if doing so would reveal the missing prisoners.

How had they escaped?

"You don't get to make demands here." He snapped at Liam.

"Let Riley and Olivia go." Liam ordered. "And I will take their place." His eyes narrowed. "I know it is a temporary one."

Justin couldn't help but smile. The man was indeed brave to trade his life for Riley and Olivia's.

"No!" Riley screamed out from the stairs.

Chaos broke out as she led the charge to attack the Sons of the Earth. Justin watched as she ran over to protect Liam's back.

The couple were doing their utmost to protect the other from harm.

Their friends were taking his well trained soldiers out one by one. It was embarrassing to see how pitiful his men fought.

Olivia moved into his line of sight. Fury blazed across her delicate features.

"I'm impressed." He told her, unsheathing his sword. "I should have searched you myself."

"Trust me." Olivia circled him. "It will be the last mistake you'll ever make!"

She lunged at him. He easily parried her attack. "I think you've forgotten that it was your parents who gave me the same training you had."

"I think you talk too much!" She twirled about, bringing her daggers up to stop his sword from meeting her shoulder. He grunted from her heel piercing his leg as she pushed off to break his hold.

They continued to try and deliver punishing blows to the other. She was desperate to kill the man who was after her friends and country. He was anxious to be free of their marriage.

He noticed from the corner of his eye Claudius and Drake fighting. His second in command stunned the commoner with an uppercut to his jaw, causing Drake to stumble back into a wall.

Olivia heard the scuffle and followed Justin's line of sight. Her face paled at Claudius moving towards Drake to end him once and for all.

With a flick of her wrists she not only slashed Justin but threw her other dagger at Claudius. It struck true along the side of his neck, cutting into his jugular. He let out a garbled scream as he fell to the floor.

Justin hissed at the deep gash she had made along his ribcage.

Seeing that it was a lost battle, he hopped the banister and began to rush upstairs. He would have to go into hiding once more before orchestrating another attack.

"This ends now!" Riley yelled out at him.

He spun around to see both her and Liam rushing toward him. He raised his sword, determined to put an end to the man who stood between him and the throne. He hesitated when Riley jumped in front of her husband.

"You're not taking him from me!" She raised her battle ax. "Every time you try, I will stop you."

Does Liam know how lucky he is? She waited on him to choose her. Twice! And now she stands here, ready to defend him to the death. How could any man not fall in love with Riley?

His refusal to fight her was his downfall. He was pushed over the banister by the royal couple. While his breath was knocked out, Maxwell and Hana bound his hands together behind his back.

He looked about at his fallen and captured comrades. His attention was drawn toward Olivia and Drake. The pair were covered in blood and bruises, yet they were leaning against each other. Drake had his arm around her while softly speaking. Whatever was said caused Olivia to press even closer to his side. Her arms slipped around his waist. Her eyes were closed tight as she allowed him to hold her.

Justin had suspected something more between the pair. It looked like his coup for the throne had accomplished something for them.

Bastien and the rest of the King's Guards rushed in. After talking to the king and new queen, he collected Justin and hauled him outside.

On the way, Justin met Riley's eyes.

There were so many things he wanted to explain to her. He believed she would have been on board with his plans for the kingdom. Once he had killed Liam and Olivia, he would be the benevolent king the country needed. Gone would be the purpose for pompous nobles. He would have established a council of Cordonia's citizens from all walks of life to advise him. People would be rewarded and honored for their service instead of simply being born to the right parents.

And she would have been his queen, guiding and protecting all she deemed worthy.

"Riley, I..."

"You will never ever hurt those I love again." She hissed.

"Take him away." Liam ordered, keeping his arms locked around his wife. "He will be dealt with in the morning."

Justin knew then that it was pointless to try and explain. She would never give him a chance after all that had occurred.

For the first time in his life, he realized that his intentions didn't matter to the one he loved most.

[spacedikut]

“i want to love someone and be loved” ; spencer reid - part 2

pairing: spencer reid (criminal minds) x f!reader

summary: spencer decides it’s time to tell you, but he needs some help. 3887 words. part 1

a/n: THIS is the longest fic ive ever written but im actually kinda proud of how it turned out? i hope this is a good sequel :)

Spencer chickens out of telling you the next day.

He avoids you all weekend, actually. You resisted texting him the day after Rossi’s because you assumed he’d be busy – with his big plan involving a girl that isn’t you. You’re not bitter – but Sunday comes around and you message him not long after you wake up and six hours later there’s no response.

Twelve hours later - there’s no response.

Monday, you don’t have time to say hello to anyone – there’s a case waiting for you, somewhere in Florida.

Reid avoids your eyes. His body language tells you something is wrong, so you assume whoever he confessed to didn’t reciprocate (they’re insane) and he’s dealing with it. So you don’t press.

Spencer pretends to sleep the entire jet ride. He’s avoiding everyone, not just you.

He spent the whole weekend beating himself up. He drove to your apartment on Saturday, sat outside for so long a neighbour knocked on his window and asked if he was lost, but couldn’t bring himself to step foot out of his car.

So he locked himself in his room, away from you and your loveliness and away from his phone because he knew you texted him and he knew you’d send some soft message about being there for him if he needs anything and he didn’t need to be reminded of how beautiful and out of reach you are.

Derek seemed to be waiting for him Monday morning, arms crossed as he held a cup of coffee. It was weird seeing him in before Spencer.

“How’d it go?” He immediately asked.

“How’d what go?” Spencer mumbles, flinging his bag on the floor by his desk. He slumps in his seat.

Derek raises a dark eyebrow, “You know what, pretty boy. You had a big thing? Big plan?”

“Didn’t work out.”

It doesn’t take a profiler to realise Spencer is very clearly saying leave me alone. Leave it alone.

Derek isn’t one to leave it alone. Especially when it comes to Spencer.

He sighs and moves a little closer to Spencer’s desk, just in case someone overhears them.

“What happened?”

“That’s exactly it,” Spencer slams open a file, “Nothing happened.”

“And why did nothing happen?”

“Because I’m an idiot that can’t even tell a girl how I feel.”

“Whoa- hey!”

Derek spins Spencer’s chair so they’re face to face. Derek takes one look in Spencer’s eyes and knows what’s going on – he got too into his head and backed out at the last minute.

“You’re not an idiot. Why didn’t you do it?”

Spencer shrugs, “I got to her apartment. I had flowers, too. I don’t know.”

Derek’s evidently concerned – Spencer’s beaten up over this, over whoever this girl is, and he deserves the chance to experience love. Spencer deserves a lot more than he himself thinks he does.

“You seemed really excited, man. You can still do it. Just cause you try once and it doesn’t work out doesn’t mean you can’t ever try again.”

Spencer stares off into the distance, accidentally ignoring Derek as his thoughts slip out of his mouth, “Yeah, it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway – I was stupid to think I could get someone like her.”

“Hey, no.” Derek nudges Spencer’s shoulder so he looks at him again, “Don’t talk like that. You’re one hell of a guy, Reid. All you gotta do is get that confidence that you had Friday night back, and you’re all set. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Spencer gives a feeble nod. Derek moves back to his desk, knowing he isn’t convinced, but he isn’t done yet.

+++

Later, in Florida, Spencer’s making a coffee in the precinct’s kitchen after waiting twenty minutes for you to leave. Luck’s on his side, for once, and you’ve been working non-stop with Prentiss going crime scene to crime scene so he hasn’t had to actively avoid you. You smile at him every chance you get, though, and it distracts him.

Someone clears their throat behind him. It’s Penelope, whom Spencer didn’t realise was invited on this case.

She looks guilty. Spencer recognises that face; the face she has when she’s done something she shouldn’t have or knows something she isn’t really supposed to. Given current circumstances, Spencer bets it’s the latter reason.

“Morgan told me something he shouldn’t have.”

Bingo.

He leans against the kitchen counter, stirring his coffee absentmindedly.

“What did he tell you?” He asks, feigning tranquillity. Inside he’s screaming non-stop.

She’s got her hands clasped together in front of her, almost innocently, and fiddles with her fingers, “He told me you needed assistance in the love department.” Before he can object, she continues, “And I am willing to do anything if it means our resident weirdo-slash-genius falls in love and gets to experience some much needed cuteness.”

There’s no point in lying to her. There’s also no point in being mad that Morgan told her about his situation – they’re kind of a package deal. And, who knows, Garcia might be able to help.

“So…” She sways, trying (and failing) to appear nonchalant, “Who’s the lucky lady?”

Spencer shuffles on the spot, scuffing his shoes against the floor. He debates whether he should tell her, since, you know, you’re in the next room over, but Spencer worries that Garcia is so good at her job she’d somehow find out through hacking Spencer’s phone, or maybe somehow hacking his dreams. His subconscious. He’s terrified of Garcia and her abilities.

“You can tell me.” She insists, “I’m much better at keeping secrets than Morgan.”

Spencer turns away from her, she steps closer, and he mumbles your name.

“What?”

“Y/N.”

“WHAT?!”

Spencer spins, hands coming up to tell Garcia to shut up and Garcia immediately covers her mouth in both shock and hopefully so she doesn’t shout again.

“Since when?!” She screeches. “How could I not have known?! Oh God, almighty Doctor Reid, I feel like I’ve failed you by not realising earlier.”

Her enthusiasm makes him smile, for the first time in far too long. Garcia has that power – this innate skill to comfort those around her and make them feel special, make them smile when the world feels like its collapsing.

“Let me help!” She requests.

Spencer’s clearly hesitant. He knows it’s a bad idea.

“Please!” She begs, “I just- I have so many ideas of how you can go about this. Let me brainstorm, get back to you, and if I’m too over-the-top you can tell me no and we’ll pretend it never happened!”

He takes a deep breath. Yes, Garcia is the definition of over-the-top, but that’s one of his favourite things about her. It’s your favourite thing, too. And he did tell Morgan he had big plans. Anything involving Garcia is a big plan with big payoff.

“This is between us.”

“I’ll take it to the grave. Unless you realise how amazing my ideas are and use one to tell Y/N how you feel and then years later I get to commend myself during my maid of honour speech at your wedding.”

She looks ecstatic, hands now together under her jaw as her eyes twinkle. Spencer can’t help but laugh at her eagerness.

+++

The next day, the team returns to Quantico after a semi-successful case. The general mood is good and Morgan invites everyone out for drinks – Spencer declines, but you have your first full conversation since last Friday.

“C’mon, Spence,” Your head rests against the jet seat and you blink sleepily at him, “I feel like I haven’t spoken to you for years!”

Spencer gives you a small smile, “I promised my mom I’d call her tonight. Sorry, Y/N.”

You nod in understanding, “Will you tell her I say hi?”

“Of course. She loves you.”

You grin at eachother, immediately lost in your own world. You’ve missed him more than you realised, and you have no idea what’s going through his head, but you’re happy that you’ve had this – a Spencer Reid smile that makes you feel at home and on top of the world simultaneously.

Spencer has to tear his eyes away before he blurts something stupid, like she’s not the only one that loves you.

+++

“Spencer!” Garcia greets, Cheshire cat grin on her face. “I need to see you in my dungeon, please. Immediately.”

Spencer drops the file he’s holding. Unfortunately, Penelope’s request caught the attention of the whole team.

“What business do you have in the villain’s lair, Reid?” Derek asks. You’ve looked up from your computer, Emily smirking and leaning back in her chair in expectation.

“Uh…”

“Important nerd business. Go away.” Garcia says, eyes narrow as she tugs Spencer’s hand. He’s whisked away from any further questioning, leaving the befuddled team behind.

He isn’t sure what to expect when he stumbles into Penelope’s second home, but the display in front of him explains why he overheard a conversation about missing evidence boards earlier. Penelope’s obviously been using the new printer in her cave to her advantage – there’s at least twenty different pictures printed out on one board titled “date ideas”, then the board on the right has a picture of Spencer and you in the centre with a perfectly drawn heart around it. Under and around that is a mixture of love quotes, including song lyrics and quotes directly from romantic movies. He notices “The Parliament of Fowls” on there – Garcia remembers that he mentioned it’s considered the first Valentines poem?

“Whoa,” Is all he can say.

“I know it’s a little intense,” Garcia squirms, “But! I started scrolling through Pinterest and couldn’t stop. I don’t know what came over me, maybe some type of love deity, but I started thinking about you and Y/N in a classic love film in, like, black and white and I…”

She’s out of breath from animatedly explaining.

Spencer laughs through his nose, almost a scoff, but he’s impressed. He shouldn’t have expected anything else from the Penelope Garcia.

As Spencer wanders towards the first board, Garcia follows him like a shadow, “My personal favourite is-“ She points to a picture of chocolate fondue with faceless people in very little clothing, “-this one.”

Spencer awkwardly clears his throat when he begins to think of you and him like that.

“A little much for your declaration of love, though, I get it,” Garcia nods.

He scans the board – heart speeding up when he moves from idea to idea and picturing you and him in each one. He can’t help but think no, that one would be good for our anniversary – ah, she’d love to do that one for her birthday.

“What’re you thinking?” Garcia asks quietly. She knows his brain is whirring like her computer drive, so she approaches him gently.

“This one.” He says. “Where should we do it?”

Garcia grins behind him. The one he’s referring to shows a dinner table set up outside, brown wooded table with white wooden chairs opposite eachother. There’s flowers at the centre, a bottle of wine already poured in each glass in front of a basket of cookies, and the area around is shrouded by shrubbery, fairy lights hanging delicately from every-which-way.

It’s perfect. You love fairy lights, Spencer loves cookies, and the set-up looks private enough for Spencer to feel confident when he empties his heart and soul to you.

“The roof.” Garcia says wistfully.

“We have access to that?”

“Yes.” They both know they don’t. “Leave it to me. Oh… one more thing.” She adds, hesitantly, “Can Morgan help? I’m a lot of things, including emotionally strong and your love guru, but physically I’m gonna need some assistance.”

Spencer doesn’t even need to agree – Morgan’s gonna involve himself no matter what.

+++

Five o’clock is quickly approaching and you’re slumped over your desk, lost in your work. You need to be lost in it, because ever since Garcia released Spencer from her office right after lunch he’s been sneaking glances at you (he’s not sneaky) and has made several attempts to approach you but decided against it, sharply turning and pretending he meant to go another way instead.

You are beyond confused. You assume it’s to do with the girl he’s been trying to get over – you hope he’s been trying to build the confidence to tell you exactly what happened and maybe, you really hope, he’ll invite you over for the weekend so you can slip back into your old routine.

“Psst.”

You assume they’re not trying to get your attention, so you don’t move.

“Psst!”

You still don’t move.

“Y/N!”

Your head snaps up to Spencer leaning over the divider between your desks. He looks alarmed – which is odd, given he’s the one who called you – and he opens and closes his mouth a few times before he finally speaks.

“Are you busy tonight?” He sits back and, if he wasn’t so goddamn tall, all you’d be able to see would be his eyes. His added height means you can see his eyes and his nose. You wanna kiss it.

You smile – this is an olive branch, “I am completely available for whatever it is you might need.”

You sound incredibly eager, which you are. You miss him.

His cheeks move upwards, a smile, “Can I talk to you, later, on the roof? Uh-“ He clears his throat, “-I need to tell you something.”

You raise an eyebrow, “You’re not gonna push me off, right?”

“No,” He laughs.

“Promise me.”

Now he guffaws, “I would never, Y/N!”

“Promise me, Reid!”

“Alright, alright! I promise!” He’s jokingly raising his hands in a form of surrender.

You give him another smile and turn back to your work. You feel at ease, now, thinking he’s finally gonna tell you what happened on the weekend – finally you’ll be able to help him and go back to normal.

Spencer, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of ease. He’s about to pour his heart out to you.

He takes a deep breath and looks back to his computer, which is open on a tab titled “How to Tell Someone You Like Them.”

Step 3: Be Confident.

Spencer opens a new tab and searches, “How to be confident.”

+++

Garcia hacks into Spencer’s computer to open a document and type that the roof is ready. She wishes him luck, tells him she loves him, and calls dibs on being the godmother of your future children. As if she doesn’t have enough godchildren as it is.

He clears his throat and your head snaps towards him. You’ve been done for a while, playing Tetris on your phone, waiting for Spencer to take you to the roof where he swears he won’t kill you – you’re not entirely convinced.

“Um-“ He scratches his neck, “You ready to go?”

You nod and give him a weak smile in hopes it gives him some type of reassurance.

“Whatever happened, it’s okay, Spence.”

All he does is nod in return, gathering his coat and bag. He doesn’t really register what you say, or he would’ve been very confused.

You follow him up to the roof. The elevator ride is silent and Spencer is jittery; his hands twitch and tap against his legs, he’s bouncing on his toes and he keeps looking at you through the corner of his eye. You’ve taken several deep breaths to calm your racing heart – you hate heights, and this is the closest you’ve been to Spencer in a week. This will be the longest conversation you’ve had with him in a week, too.

The second the doors open, Spencer leaps in front of you.

“Wait!”

You jump back in surprise, “What? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Completely fine. Just… when we get there, let me explain first, okay? Before you say anything.” He’s pleading, as if you’ve already told him no. You look at him with furrowed brows and mumble an ‘okay’.

You’re visibly confused as you trek up the flight of stairs to the roof. Spencer pushes open the fire door and the first thing you notice is how bright the roof is – you always assumed it’d be dark, little light, especially at night like this.

Wait.

There’s fairy lights… everywhere. You’re pretty sure this isn’t the norm for the FBI roof.

Spencer is equally as awed at what he sees before him - it’s exactly the photo he saw in Garcia’s cave brought to life, but he’s too distracted by you to fully appreciate it. You look like a child on Christmas; eyes wide, pupils blown, mouth slightly agape. You’re gorgeous.

“What…is this, Spence?” You wonder, noticing the set table, fingers grazing the roses that sit in a vase in the middle. They’re fresh and smell wonderful.

He stands a little behind you, fiddling with his hands, and clears his throat, “Would you like to take a seat?”

You do. When he finally sits, he pours you a glass of wine and you immediately take an anxious sip. Although Rossi is a big fan of wine, you rarely take interest in it only when Spencer’s involved. You’ve come to associate wine with him – a smile peeks out from your glass as you stare at the man opposite you.

“I need to get something off my chest. But there’s cookies, if you want one,” He picks one up from his plate, breaking it in half and giving it to you. He’s stalling, but you seem to take the bait and bite into it.

“Are these from the bakery two blocks away?”

“Yeah,” He replies, but he isn’t really paying attention. He doesn’t know where to begin.

You wait patiently for him to open up. You’re still unsure of what to make of all of this – the beautiful setting, the wine, the flowers, the lights. God, the lights are dazzling in the Virginia night sky. You need context, and you need it now.

“Spence-“

“Listen.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry, I just…” He trails off, “I need to say what I need to say before I back out again.”

You fold your hands in your lap. You’re ready for whatever’s to come.

“Do you know how long we’ve known eachother?” He asks. His head tilts like a puppy.

“Nearly five years. Our friendaversary is coming up, you know.”

You realise, then, that this must be a celebration for that – that explains the… typically romantic setting. Before you can open your mouth to ask if that what’s this is, Spencer speaks.

“Four years, three-hundred and sixty days. That’s how long we’ve known eachother.”

“If we were dating, we would’ve been my longest relationship the second we passed a year.”

You don’t know why you said it, but it flusters him. He has to pause to take a breath and collect his thoughts.

“I’ve been in love with you for four years and three hundred and fifty-eight days, Y/N.”

It’s silent as you process and he figures out how to continue.

“I knew you were special when you were introduced to us. Hotch already had such a soft spot for you, and you had this way about you that made us all fall in love instantly. I remember Garcia did a background check the second she found out your name and she said you remind her of me and I… that freaked me out, to be honest. I thought you’d try to replace me.” He huffs a laugh, but can’t bring himself to look you in the eye, “I realised I was in love with you when you drunkenly defended me. Do you remember that?” His eyes flicker to yours for half a second – you’re wide-eyed, “You’d known me for two days at that point, but we’d already done a case together so we were celebrating. And these guys at the bar were whispering about me, acting like I couldn’t hear them, and the second you realised what was happening you stood up, stormed towards them and gave them a piece of your mind. It was incredible.

“You barely knew me, at least personally, but you thought so highly of me you scolded a group of drunk bodybuilders without a second thought. You made them apologise – it was hysterical watching someone half their size force them into submission like that – and when you were done you asked if I wanted to leave and go get ice cream. We couldn’t, cause you vomited on the way there, but I knew in that moment I loved you and I feel so hard, so quickly, I didn’t know what to do. And you never… you never indicated you thought of me as anything other than a friend so I didn’t try. Then you dated Greg who, in my opinion, sucked on his best days, and you encouraged me to date Abigail and I…”

He’s run out of breath and of things to say.

“I just love you, Y/N. I’m in love with you.” He adds, “I hope that’s okay.”

He finally looks at you, then. You’re just staring and he panics when he can’t make out what you’re feeling. He’s always been able to read you, you’ve always hated the saying that eyes are the windows to the soul because your eyes are always your tell, but now they’re… glassy.

You’re crying.

“Spencer…” You gasp, throat tight.

“It’s okay.” Spencer gives a tight-lipped smile. He knows what’s coming. He should’ve expected it. He has been expecting it.

“I love you too, Spence.”

Spencer chokes on air. He takes a gulp of wine.

You give him a teary smile in disbelief, “I’ve always loved you, Spence. I thought you knew that – I thought that big brain of yours knew exactly how I felt and… you didn’t do anything about it so I thought you didn’t feel the same. Spencer…”

He slowly moves a hand to place it palm-up on the table. Immediately you place your hand in his, your grip tight as you lovingly stare at him. This feels unreal.

“I’m in love with you too, you idiot.” You half laugh, half cry, “If you’ve really loved me this long, we’ve wasted so much time! God, we’re both idiots.”

Spencer’s crying too, now, and he starts laughing with you.

You’re two idiots in love, sitting opposite eachother on the roof of your place of work in a dream-like surrounding filled with fairy lights and flowers, and you could’ve been doing this for years.

Spencer sniffles, looking at you through his wet eyelashes, “Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

“If I say yes, will I get more dates like this?” You tease.

“Well, Garcia has a whole evidence board of date ideas she stole from Pinterest. We have enough ideas to last a lifetime.” He giggles.

“Penny was in on this?!”

Spencer gives a heh, “This is all thanks to her, so yeah.”

“She’s always had our backs.”

“She’s also now going to be convinced she’s cupid.”

You laugh again, and can’t help yourself when you lean across the table, still gripping Spencer’s hand, and letting your lips fall on his. Spencer leans into you, lips moving against yours as you both try to suppress grins.

You pull back slightly, Spencer’s lips following you, and whisper, “I would love to be your girlfriend.”

He kisses you again. And again. And again, just cause he can.

Big plan, big payoff. You’re worth every little stress and more.

[dear-yandere]

— oyasumi dazai.

ada! osamu dazai x reader.

cw: yandere, romanticization of suicide and death, nihilism, depersonalization, implied death, themes of regret and grief.

wc: 1985.

disclaimer: the following content does not depict a healthy relationship, please read the warnings carefully. by click the read more button, you are giving your consent to read this content.

“isn’t it lovely, all alone?” 

i.

he dreams of death.

the stench of iron and the sight of bones is nothing new, but he dreams of death like one would dream of the future. he supposes he is nobody, because no one ever dreams of their own passing (not willingly). people are pushed to that point, betrayed and hurt and put through enough suffering that life no longer seems worth living. whether life is or isn’t worth the effort lays with them, dazai reckons, but the urge to reason death from life has never crossed his mind. to him, to live is to suffer — that is, suffering is inevitable. within the same vein, it must mean that to live is to make the best of that suffering, but what is life if you’d never asked to be born?

the question is foreign and familiar all the same — bittersweet on his tongue, a plague on his mind. his life has always been filled with nothing. the smile of loving parents was a sight he’s unfamiliar with. in comparison to the misfortunes of many others, his parents were saints; and, in comparison to the fortunes of others, they were demons. and yet, that laid the problem. they have a role in this world, a calling, a purpose. but dazai… he is nothing. nothing but a black stain on this white earth. from the day he took his first breath, death has been both friend and foe, a tease and a reprieve for a boy who’d never wished to breathe life.

but, where death comes easy to others, it is nothing short of a luxury for him. it does not welcome him with open arms, nor does it even look his way. suicide after suicide attempt and yet he is still alive. and he has to wonder, is life a gift — as everyone claims it is — or a curse? and why? why was he gifted, why was he cursed? the distinction makes no difference to him, but why must it be him? was he brought into this world for a purpose? for some sort of greater good, or evil? or do the gods simply enjoy the frailty of human life and the suffering it comes with?

of all the people in this wretched world, why is he alive?

ii.

from his first breath, he begun to blacken. his heart is not his own, has never been his own (it beats for someone who is, and never will be, him.) his body holds nothing but muscle and blood and sinew, a vessel he’s been forced into without second thought. he’s never thought of it as anything more. not a temple nor a burden, just… some thing. something that is not his. something that isn’t meant to be his, as if he’s an outsider looking in through the hollows of his eyes.

humanity was always something unbeknownst to him, something he could never quite get a grasp of. the thoughts of others could never quite fit into the process of his mind, its recesses far too unaccustomed to how others should or shouldn’t feel. their expressions are unreadable at all times, a fault that has led to bullying and alienation. he never shed a tear; loneliness is to be expected when you have nowhere to fit in. he is pure black. he may as well be invisible to the human eye, no different than an ant that passersby would carelessly step on without thought. he is no different from anyone else, because he is worse.

had he sold his happiness to the devil in a past life? is life his punishment, or is this how dull it’s meant to be?

cynical — a word used to describe him all too often, but it’s never been dear to dazai’s heart. words, in fact, have never been able to describe him, not in a way he ever found fitting. what does it mean to be cynical? what does it mean to be human? what does it mean to be alive, to have a beating heart, to have feelings? twenty-one years on this earth and he’s never once found an answer.

life, it seems, is something not meant for the likes of him.

and yet, suicide never got him anywhere. whether it be the fault of dumb luck or his own ineptitude, dazai could never die. it’s laughable, how even though his heart beats without his own will, he cannot make it stop. as if some cruel god reveled in how much torture it is for him to live a life he did not ask for. every noose left him choking for air but never took his life. every gun shot blanked or missed his brain entirely. every stab and cut never hit his arteries, never allowed him the luxury of bleeding out. like water in a vase, waiting until the surface tension is broken by a slight drop and starts to overflow — dazai spent his days in hopes of when his own heart would overflow and spill.

life was given to him, and life will not be taken by his own hands.

iii.

he dreams of death so often, his only nightmare is awaking the next day.

he will only ever just be… him. forever living, forever beating and breathing — the thought of experiencing life like others do is something out of a children’s book, to him. to strive for goals, to be torn apart by failures, to get up after being knocked down again and again. he understands it in theory, the process of living, but to put any further meaning on his or anyone else’s existence seems beyond the furthest reaches of his mind.

nothing makes sense.

“i never understood the fuss over weddings, going so far as to plan one’s entire life around it.” he says one day, eyes locked on the black coffee in his hands. darkness always did make him feel at home. “funerals are much more exciting. i’ve planned mine already.” a smile twitches onto his face, one of genuine happiness and excitement. death is like a dear friend, one he feuds with often, and yet one he adores all the same.

but those aren’t words most would say. weddings are a day of joy, but to him, they can only bring grief, one unlike the kind funerals bring to others. the happiest day of his life will be the day he dies, and yet…

he finds himself wanting to marry you.

you, as beautiful as ever, crack a knowing smile and play his words off, shooing them from the air like a pesky insect. the coffee in your hands is almost pure white by this point; drowned in creams and syrups and sugars. he wonders if it’s a reflection of your heart or your soul. “but osamu, i’ve already planned our wedding. you wouldn’t die before we got married, would you?”

he smiles. it’s a reflection of your soul.

he wouldn’t dream of it.

iv.

there’s a reason for everything, or so he’s heard. a mantra mostly uttered by religious heretics, and yet the sentiment was enough to get him thinking; is there a reason he cannot die? is there a reason he’s doomed to live, until whatever entity that tortures him grows bored of his plights? is there a reason he’s alive?

you’re nothing new, nothing he hasn’t seen time and time again. but, he knew: you are his reason. he is a person that someone like you should never get close to. the sentiment is ingrained in his very being, to stay away from you. he knows already: that he will only taint you, corrupt you, drag you down to rock bottom with him. and, if there is a place lower than here, it would surely be hell.

you deserve better than that. you deserve better than him.

“if i were to ever unforgivably hurt you, promise me this.” his heart tugs uselessly, his mind already made up. “if i ever hurt you very, very deeply, please kill me at once.”

he places your hands at his neck and presses. your fingers don’t curl around the flesh like he wants them to, and he knows then that he will never deserve you. you are too good for him, too good to him; your heart is too white and his blackness will only taint it. but darkness cannot be without light. just as the pitch black can overtake the white, the white can overtake the pitch black. life is not solely black and white, he’s come to learn. to be born and to live is to tread through life in a series of greys. there is no good nor evil, only humanity. but, if he were to describe himself, he would surely be black.

“you’ll promise me this, right?”

you hesitate to answer. he caresses you gently, like his mother used to do for him. a means to quell and comfort others, he’s learned, and yet his heart still feels nothing but blackness. he’s never understood why you feel so hurt when he speaks of death so casually — his death is his and his alone, after all. no one would be affected, not for long. memories fade and hearts heal; he is but a stain on life, and no one would miss him.

“right, belladonna?” he prompts. “please say yes. to die by your hands would be my greatest joy. even more so if you were to join me in death, but i could never ask that of you…” he laughs at his desperation, knowing you’d never agree to a premature death like he. you have so much to live for, and he…

he was born to die.

“i promise, osamu.”

v.

you haunt him like a ghost.

he still dreams of death, because a world without you is one he no longer wants to live in. but you would want that for him. you know of his infatuation with the throes of death and yet you want the very thing he detests; for him to live. funny thing, life is. like an idiot ghost, he’d lived wandering through life without any direction. without purpose, dreams and ambitions never held any real meaning to him, not like they seemed to do for other people. the only thing that came close was… you.

he wants to hide like the coward he is. run away, start over again. forget this ever happened, forget he ever met you.

forget he ever tasted love.

it occurs to him that this must be that feeling of ‘regret’ he so often hears. and he’s reminded of odasaku, the only living being that had come close to eliciting some semblance of genuine emotion from dazai. the closest thing he could call to a true friend, dead. and, the closest thing he could call to a lover, gone. life isn’t meant for cowards like him.

but he lives. death has cursed him with the act of living; perhaps that’s a fate worse than death. he has spent all his life resisting the desire to end it, and he regrets never once succeeding. because now he has to live; to live with his own regrets and failures, all the things he said and didn’t say, all the things he did and shouldn’t have done.

he didn’t get to say ‘i love you’.

your tombstone is pristine and he wonders if death is just the same; clean. free of sin, free of burden. what a beautiful thought, one he’s begun to believe doesn’t truly exist. beauty is wasted on him and even death does not hear his pleas. because to seek beauty is human. to be played and toyed with is human.

and to break and destroy, is also human.

death is preferable to losing you. it laughed in his face when it came to claim you, took you away from him forever. to someplace far, far away — to someplace he can never belong.

he misses you. he wonders if you miss him too.

© dear-yandere, all rights reserved.

[plounce]

what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS

(info on this au under the cut)

theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels

magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick

demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine

demeter:

bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old

semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams

dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that

very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust

currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts

her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching

she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff

bombalurina:

bisexual. 24 years old

got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now

she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash

literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done

has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red

a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath

i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!

my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.

demelurina:

bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”

they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else

demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off

(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)

bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart

munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details

she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes

bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.

this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)

but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep

she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward

bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)

demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???

cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:

1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser

2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.

so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no

meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...

you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..

eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)

and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”

and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”

anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)

tugger:

bisexual. 22 years old

dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to

he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped

trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies

trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing

it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it

he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!

to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot

they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious

he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally

he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced

demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.

she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter

mistoffelees:

gay. 20 years old

has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept

a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak

he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective

side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant

sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.

doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.

tuggoffelees:

the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit

the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”

idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”

after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”

tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...

mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets

they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”

just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests

i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away

mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight

i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”

they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces

yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out