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cynthiesjmxazrielslover · 24 days

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Bittersweet love

An original AUmodernAzriel x Reader

these songs remind me of them <3333

Warnings: Mentions of abuse, mention of trauma Summary: Growing up with your abusive father and your mother who never spoke up against him, you had truly given up hope of any chance of a real relationship, of real love, the ones of the kind that you read about in your books, till you're proven wrong.

A/N: this is my first fic ever+english isnt my first language, and I wrote this in a daze, the idea came to me at like 3 AM,so....enjoy muah<3 Thump.....thump. DAMN IT CAROLINE GET OUT HERE! Another night another fight, that too on their anniversary, a classic. I scoff thinking about all the picture-perfect smiles and the absolutely lovely speech my dad had read out for my mom tonight, a show, it was all a show, no one knew what went inside our house every week, how my dad hit my mom, screamed at her and then bought ridiculously expensive gifts for her as if that would fix everything. I was so so tired of their useless fights, every time it all ended the same way, with my mom never leaving. I heard the rain outside before I saw it. One thing about me was that I always loved the rain, growing up, and till now it just felt right to cry under its cover, to cry with it, to admire how beautiful it felt to be enveloped in her comfort and just...let everything go. I sneaked out my window and walked out of our backyard. There was an abandoned house right behind mine, I spread rumors just so everyone thought, it was either haunted or inhabited, in truth it was my den. Snacks, clothes, comfy blankets, duvets, you name it. It had all I needed to feel better. When I entered my lair I noticed that most of my snacks were empty and the empty packets pristine clean. Oh no, someone had discovered the truth, I turned around only to find a pair of hazel eyes staring back at me, the darkness enveloped him, I couldn't see him, but guessed well enough he was taller than me. I cursed at myself for being stupid enough to enter an abandoned place at night in the middle of a heavy down pour. No, no, no, no. I stepped back I couldn't die like this, not in this shit hole. "Um, hello there. Are you okay? you just seem a little pale" I gaped at him. He had the most alluring voice id ever heard on a man and damn did it mess with my senses. "I won't hurt you, I promise. Look I'm not armed plus I dont even have enough energy to argue right now." He stepped a bit closer enough that I could make out his silhouette illuminated by the moonlight. His hazel eyes were a sweet honey brown shade, tanned skin, muscles, tall as frick, and hot too. Holy crap this guy looked straight out of a book. "Hello?". Realizing I'd been gaping at it the whole time it took me second to remember the situation I'd found myself in before I said "Hi, Im Lana" I lied, my name wasnt lana but i wasnt gonna tell some random guy who ate my snacks AND all my blueberry sour candy my name, Im not that dumb. He steps out of the shadows so i could get a proper look at him, and so he could look at me i realize. "Hello Lana, Im Azriel". I looked at him, really looked at him noticed 3 things, 1. He didnt look much older than me, meaning either he was in school or in college, 2. He was wearing my oversized hoodie which looked a little too small on him, and 3. He looked in a bad shape. He had bruises on his face marring his body, burned hands, swollen eye and looked cold, very cold and malnourished. He looked almost......homeless.

I snuck a glance outside.

I silently swore, if this man- Azriel, stayed here any longer he would DIE, either of fever or due to infection. I might already have brought a one way ticket to the deepest darkest pits of hell but doesnt mean he did. Without a thought i spit out "Come to my house". "Im sorry what?" he chuckled out smirking at me as a flush crept over me. "I-I meant that you cant stay here, there's heavy rain and its cold here. pfft that's totally what i meant" i stammer out. Reminder to curl up and die in a corner later on. He furrows his brow at my statement, a hint of amusement on his face. "Haven't you heard of stranger danger Lana?" He pipes out, his voice low and gravelly. "I doubt an 18 year old guy who wears Minnie Mouse hoodies with dora the explorer socks and a pink bow pajamas would try to kidnap me" Okay now this dude was really crossing it for me. Reminder number 2- Drown these clothes in holy water before wearing them again. Now it was his turn to be embarrassed. "I still look better in these than you could ever. But you're smart and these clothes fit me like a fucking tank top and shorts, so yes, Lana, I'll come to your house. Only because Im freezing out here" He added FRICK. FRICK THIS WAS A BAD,BAD IDEA

Azriels POV I stepped out of the shower, steam rising from the hot water. I smelled like lavender soap and vanilla- The scent of real men. I put on the fresh pair of clothes Lana gave me, A little smaller than what i wore but better than those hoodies of hers anyway. I saw her reading a book when i stepped out, no gods not another book-obsessed psycho. She motioned for me to sit down and applied some bandages, honey, and anti-septic cream and gave me some medecine, pain killers i guessed. She seemed to know what she was doing, better than going to a doctor if it meant it was free and she wasn't going- "Who gave you get these" My chain of thoughts are interrupted by her words. "I got myself banged up by a....raccoon?" A raccoon? A RACCOON? Thats the best I could come up with? Telling a girl that i got banged up by a raccoon? She laughs at my answer. It's not a soft melodic sound like i expected but a burst of laughter. She snorts and smirks at me. "Damn, a raccoon huh? Wait,does that mean your're pregnant now?Plus,what? did it tackle you to the ground with its little toe beans? What were you even fighting over, who gets the last thrown out doughnuts from the dumpster, oh, or, did she kick you out of the house instead? You're lovely raccoon wife." She laughs out, barely able to form the sentence without controlling her laughter. I roll my eyes but I cant help smile, I knew very little about this girl but i did know 4 things, 1. She was a terrible liar, introducing herself under a fake name when her name was written under every single one of her drawings, 'y/n' I liked that name, it sounded different yet familiar on my tongue. 2.She might have just saved my life 3. She had a very good taste in candy and 4. we are about to become very, very, very good friends, something I hadn't had in a while. Tell me in the comments if you want to be tagged in the next parts, plus im open to supportive constructive criticism so let me know how i can improve =) taglist: @anarchiii @starlightazriel @velarisdusk @siriuslystyle1989 @scorpioriesling

#my fav fan fics #acotar #azriel #bittersweet love #azriel x reader #azriel fanfic #azriel shadowsinger #azriel acotar #azriel fic

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cal-daisies-and-briars · 9 days

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restricting myself to only do 5 snippets lol i love them all so much

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼 (OH!!!!!! @ that last snippet more pls)

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰(this one has me on the edge of my seat!)(i say as if the others dont lol)

📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖(its new so im requesting more :))

🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷(this one i need a totally normal amount! diaz boys Talking ;-;)

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨(i just love them so much)

You can do as many as you want! Tanis submits 800 million every week.

I'm gonna put Gentle On My Mind at the bottom bc the snippet is sort of smutty, so I'll hide it under the cut.

That being said, 30 for ➰:

Tagging @steadfastsaturnsrings

---

His fault. Sure. The naproxen? He shouldn’t have taken it from Rachel. That’s on him, too. Rachel’s kid cracking his skull open? Dumb bad luck. Not on him. But, fair enough… Three out of four.

“That makes sense,” he tells Eddie weakly.

“Why?” Eddie asks.

“Just curious,” Buck mumbles.

“Well, don’t worry,” Eddie replies. “Not like you’ve had to watch them, right?”

Yeah… He supposes that’s true…

“It doesn’t matter,” Buck says quickly. “Sorry.”

Something sad flashes across Eddie’s expression. He cups Buck’s face and pulls him in for a kiss. Buck allows it to happen, although he’s not sure he’s in the mood for their usual morning activities.

“We should get going,” Buck says, breaking the kiss. “Don’t want to be late for kayaking today.”

Eddie nods. “Right. No. No, we don’t.”

---

45 for 📖:

---

“Hi,” the woman greets him with a nervous little wave.

She’s beautiful, Buck thinks. Bright smile. Gorgeous eyes. Eddie is holding her hand.

Buck feels strange. He thought she was out of the picture. Are they back together?

“Shannon,” she adds. “My name is Shannon.”

“Nice to meet you, Shannon.” Buck says, smiling. He feels a little muted and he doesn’t know why.

“Nice to meet you, too, best librarian in the world.”

They chat some more. She’s really nice. Buck can see Christopher in her. Whatever happened there, Buck resolves himself to be happy for the three of them.

Not that it’s any of his business, anyway.

vii.

Life gets busy for a bit. He dates and subsequently breaks up with an interior designer named Ali. In Maddie’s life, there’s a stalking incident. A near kidnapping. Chimney gets hurt. Maddie’s ex ends up in jail. Buck lives in a state of shaky adrenaline for weeks. He takes some time off work to help his sister move apartments again and fight with her new landlord about breaking her lease. Even when he’s back, he doesn’t have as much energy for the job as usual. He feels bad about it, but he just can’t give his all.

All this to say, he doesn’t get to know Shannon Diaz very well. Even though she’s the one picking Christopher up more and more these days. Even though she’s kind and talkative. Even though Chris lights up when he sees her and it’s clear having her back in his life has been good for him.

It’s nothing against her, really. He’s just busy. He’s got a lot going on personally. He doesn’t have the same energy for the parents as he did six months ago. No other reason.

But then…

Well, then she dies.

He only finds out about it through Carla. Christopher stops showing up to after school programming. One day. Two. By the third, Buck starts to worry.

---

60 for 🦷 (YEAH TALKING!):

---

Eddie doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know what he’s said wrong.

“What about when you got back from Afghanistan and you were hurt?” Chris asks. He seems insistent.

“Uh,” Eddie furrows his eyebrows. “I don’t think I had any ice cream then, Chris. I can’t remember.”

“No, comfort. Who comforted you?”

Eddie’s chest feels tight.

“I mean… I think your mom tried,” Eddie replies weakly. “She had, uh… She had a little kid to think about, though. You. And her mom was sick…”

“So no one?” Chris fills in.

“That doesn’t mean she didn’t try,” Eddie defends Shannon.

“What about…” Christiopher’s eyes dart around. He’s upset. He’s upset and Eddie can’t tell why. “What about when you were shot?”

Eddie nods. Okay, yes. Yes, he can give a satisfactory answer.

“Yeah, buddy. Buck was there for me. Comforted me all the time.”

“Just Buck?” Chris asks.

“I mean, other people were there. You were there. You being there helped.”

“What about Ana?” Chris asks.

“Right, yes. Ana.”

Chris narrows his eyes.

“What is this about?” Eddie asks. “Why all the interest in my own surgeries, Chris? Yours won’t be that bad, I promise.”

“It’s not that,” Christopher sighs.

“Then what?” Eddie tries to temper the edge in his voice. He doesn’t know why he is getting frustrated, too. Maybe it’s just the confusion of it all.

Christopher looks down at his tub of ice cream, then back up at Eddie. He looks like he’s going to cry. It makes Eddie want to cry.

“I… I thought going to Texas would make me feel better,” Chris says. His voice is wavering. Like it’s about to crack.

Eddie freezes. The ice cream is probably warmer than the blood in his veins right now.

“I thought… I thought I’d feel better because you’d feel worse. I thought I’d feel better because I wouldn’t be in your way.”

---

45 for 🚨:

---

“So, uh… So, where is Christopher today?”

Eddie feels a little thrum of apprehension.

“He’s at the zoo,” Eddie answers. “With his stepfather.”

Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever phrased it quite like this before. To anyone who doesn’t know Buck’s role in his life, Eddie might phrase it like… My partner. My boyfriend. Something like that. There’s a different sort of implication behind my son’s stepfather. A permanence. A finality. One Eddie knows is valid and true. But one that catches Ramon off guard, clearly, from the way he raises his eyebrows.

“Stepfather?” Ramon asks.

“Yes,” Eddie replies tightly. Maybe he’s testing him a little. “You saw him. At the funeral. Buck.”

Ramon nods. “My memory of the day is a little fuzzy.”

“Right,” Eddie replies.

“You’ve been together a long time?” Ramon asks.

“A year,” Eddie replies. “Friends for longer, before then. He’s a firefighter, too.”

“That’s good. It’s good to… Well, to really know a person.”

Something in his tone says he’s speaking from experience. Like maybe he hadn’t, so well. Or maybe he feels like he doesn’t anymore?

Eddie nods. “We’re happy.”

He doesn’t know why he feels the need to say this. Perhaps because the implication, when he came out to them all those years ago, was that he could never really be. That he was taking his life in the wrong direction. Well… Here’s the truth. He did right by himself.

---

30 for 🔼:

⚠️NSFW CONTENT AHEAD READ WITH CAUTION⚠️

---

Eddie kisses Shannon as he undresses her. Her mouth. Her cheeks. Down her neck. Her collarbone. Kissing along a line of freckles he has memorized. He knows every inch of her.

He removes her bra and moves his mouth to her breasts, brain short-circuiting at the fullness of them right now.

“God, Shannon,” he mutters uselessly. He thinks she says something back but it’s muffled and a little incoherent.

She’s so beautiful. She’s always been so beautiful. He’ll never stop being amazed by it.

Her chest has always been sensitive. She’s always liked him kissing her here. Applying a bit of pressure. Today, she’s more sensitive than ever. He obviously understands why. But her reaction takes him by surprise. The volume of her gasping. The sharp digging on her fingernails into his back. It drives Eddie forward with confident resolve.

He keeps moving. Kissing further and further down her body. Her sternum. He kisses the firm swell of her stomach. Peppers it with the affection he hasn’t been able to give. He kisses her thighs. Another freckle on her hip. He kisses her everywhere he can, and then he gives her exactly what she needs.

#daisies and briars writes #buddie shannon throuple fic #time likes pulling my teeth fic #any other way fic

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creamyavocadosoup · 1 year

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𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢 𝐛𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫?

a/n: hi everyone!! thank you so much for 1k likes across my works! i was in actual disbelief when i got that notif. i thank you all so much for the love. i dont rly do celebration posts and such but i still thank you all sm for it ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡) i haven't had much chance to write this piece so its been sitting in the drafts for a little bit but!! i have a break coming up so im hoping to do some writing then. also this is not proofread so forgive me.

characters: rtte!hiccup x fem!reader

tags: angst, hurt/comfort, unrequited (?) pining, hiccup being angy, mentions of not eating and getting hurt, almost fainting, implied almost death (astrid), near death experience, fighting, blood (got wounded)

here's part 2: take a chance with me

The salty breeze wrapped around me like a comforting blanket, sounds of the waves crashing on the shore almost lulling me to sleep after such a long couple of days. Had it not been for the sweat rolling off me, or the ache in each movement, I would have no doubt fallen asleep.

"She almost died, [Name]!" his voice boomed, his gaze so piercing it had me pinned frozen in the clubhouse across from him.

"We had a plan and you didn't stick to it. Gods knows what would have happened if the rest of the team hadn't been there to clean up your mess," he looked at me, the disappointment so apparent in his eyes it burned through the protective barrier around my heart, "And now they got away with the Dragon Eye!" his hands banged on the table, the loud noise nearly scaring me half to death and causing me to jump in my spot.

Astrid almost died. Because of me.

My throat ached, feeling like it loathed with the body it was in, rejecting this emotion that coursed through my body so intensely. My eyes burned, so terribly that I had nearly convinced myself they were acid, all in an attempt to swallow down the emotions and hope to tuck them in a corner of my mind somewhere, never to be seen or felt again.

"Maybe I was a fool to think you were ready for this." he muttered under his breath, but I heard it so clearly and the rest of the riders did too.

The said blonde laid a hand on Hiccup's shoulder, silently asking him to take a breather and calm for a moment, but he only shook it off, the irritation still clearly running hot in his veins. He stormed off, hurriedly flying away with Toothless, not a single glance back at me.

Astrid only sighed, silently approaching me, and the rest of the gang stood motionless on the other side of the room. Even the twins were uncharacteristically quiet, which had unnerved me more than I had let on. She rubbed my shoulders, allowing me words of comfort but I hadn't heard any of it despite looking right at her.

I mumbled a few words before scurrying off, making a beeline for my hut and hoping to shroud myself in the four walls and indulge in isolation. I thanked Thor for a moment due to my hut being farther than the main base, giving me ample privacy.

My emotions had only caused me to hit the targets harder, to push myself further, until I was sure something like this wouldn't happen again. What if Hiccup was right?

My winged companion whined worriedly beside me but I was too far past the point of comprehension to even realize that I was littered in tiny cuts and bruises, and my limbs had ached for a while now. But I ignored it, not even close to being content with my progress in training.

I laid in my bed, nearly motionless for the past 24 hours. Not even the sound of multiple knocks and quips from the different riders, nor my stomach growling had given me any energy to move. All my windows had been shut, allowing little to no sunlight into the room. The darkness had allowed for me to continuously slip in and out of slumber, the time passing faster than I thought it was due to it.

By the third day, I had resorted to aggressively cleaning every inch of my house, not wanting to drown in the thoughts and providing myself with a distraction. I still hadn't opened the door but had at least opened a few windows to let in some light.

Hiccup coming to knock on my door almost had me stopping in my tracks, but I chose to tune him out, not wanting to deal with that whole situation at the moment. I needed time to process the emotions and think clearly and rationally before I could face him again. I needed to improve and be sure there's been a significant improvement before he can see me again.

It took me four days, four whole days, to allow the simmering emotions to bubble over and explode to whatever mess I had become now. On a random beach at another island, training like my life depended on it with virtually no one but my dragon as my witness, and it was comforting to say the least.

The guilt from Hiccup's words had hit me like a truck, the possible outcomes of my choices in the heat of the moment and how it had almost cost one of my closest friends' lives. It made frustration build up inside me with each missed blow, each kick, each strike.

I had gotten so absorbed in my own emotions that I didn't hear or even notice the multiple footsteps of unwanted guests on the same beach. All I heard was the violent roar of my dragon and I turned around to see one of the Dragon Hunters on the ground.

I readily hurried my stance, thanking the Gods I was already holding one of my weapons, and cursed to myself. 'Fuck how did they manage to sneak up on me? Was I really that distracted?'

My vision flit between the hunters as they slowly and carefully stepped towards me, their weapons glinting under the sun. I knew I was at a disadvantage, my bruised and battered body would not be able to out-fight all of them. So I have to be smart, and figure out a way to get out unscathed.

It was quiet as we only stared at each other. This was odd, I thought, why aren't they attacking? Before I could ask questions, a familiar voice caught my attention as he walked up from the ship and onto shore.

"Ryker." I spat. Gripping my weapon tightly, I glared at the man in front of me.

"Quite good timing that I catch you here alone, hm?" He smirked, crossing his arms as he looked down at me, "Take her and her dragon." He ordered, the men around him charging at me at once from all different directions.

Over my dead body, I thought, no way are they taking my dragon! "[D/N] let's go!" The sound of metals clashing and explosions were all I heard as I parried all oncoming attacks my way as best I could and so did my dragon.

Heavy breathing and heavy limbs were all I felt as I slowed and struggled to keep up with my enemies. In a moment of weakness, I felt a blade slash through my side. Warm blood quickly trickled down my hip as I screamed out in pain.

A loud roar was all I heard before seeing a big explosion and my enemies knocked unconscious onto the floor. My dragon wasted no time and hurriedly picked me up before flying away to return to the edge, narrowly missing the arrows being shot our way.

I breathed heavily, clutching my side with one hand in an attempt to stop the bleeding, and my other holding onto my dragon so I don't fall into the ocean. The ride had felt extremely long and I could feel myself slipping from reality as more blood poured from the wound.

Blearily, I looked around my surroundings as I felt myself being placed softly onto what smelt like grass. I barely recognized my hut in the near distance and the garden I was growing beside it as my dragon hurriedly grabbed medical supplies.

Thankfully he already knew which ones to grab from seeing me patch up the other riders over and over again, and brought over gauzes and pastes. I huffed and groaned, trying and dragged to prop myself on a nearby tree to properly dress my wound.

"[D/N], get me water... water please." I was feeling exhausted but I knew subconsciously that I couldn't fall asleep now, or it would create even more difficult consequences.

My winged friend quickly grabs and brings over a pail of water to me. Taking off my armor and lifting my shirt, which was already slashed through anyways, I assessed my wound and figured it hadn't gone deep enough to rupture any organs or I would have much worse symptoms.

While cleaning my wound, a soft thumping and pairs of footsteps sounded before they spoke. "[Name]? Where are you? What happened?"

I didn't speak, focusing on stitching myself up and not crying. [D/N] however quickly beckoned them over and they quickened their paces, soon surrounding me with their bodies. The riders were shocked upon seeing my state and Hiccup had briskly told all of them to turn away from me.

Familiar warm hands were placed on my arms, "[Name]," Hiccup spoke softly. My vision blurred and my throat tightened, making it harder to stop the tears from falling, "Let me help you with that. Please." His voice was small yet firm, a hint of pleading lying underneath. Yet it was still caring, and warm, and it filled the cracking crevices in my resolve as I pulled away to let him work.

"Astrid, refill the bucket. Fishlegs, grab me more gauze and paste. And get some of the stuff Gothi gave us." The two nodded, ambling away quietly as Hiccup diligently worked on my wound. "Ruffnut, Tuffnut, and Snotlout, grab one of her shirts and get her hut prepared." Surprisingly, there wasn't any complaints or jokes from the trio, only diligent nods and they went straight to work. Thus the only sound between us was the soft rustling of the trees in the wind, and my voice hissing at the pain of being stitched up.

"It was-" I gulped, trying to swallow down the burning feeling, "It was Ryker." Hiccup's hands stopped only for a moment and stayed quiet, so I took it as a sign to continue.

"He-He ambushed me. While I was on another island, training." I added, however the pain had teetered into being unbearable causing a whimper to escape my throat.

Luckily Hiccup had finished with the needle and moved onto wrapping it, an ever-present ache there but it was much better than the searing pain I had felt moments ago. Hiccup reached beside me and covered my chest with my torn shirt.

"I'm sorry."

I slowly blinked my eyes as I raised my head to take a good look at his face. His hair was disheveled, more than usual, and his under-eyes slightly darker. He had this seemingly perpetual small furrow in between his brows.

But his eyes were still that beautiful green that I had fallen in love with at first sight. One could argue that his slightly bloodshot eyes complimented the green but I couldn't feel much happiness knowing it was because he was losing sleep over me.

His voice was quiet, dripping with sorrow and regret and it had me pursing my lips, my heart feeling tight.

"I'm sorry I said those things. They were out of anger but they don't excuse how it had hurt you." he continued, his pinky carefully linking with mine. He was testing the waters, afraid I would push him away once more but to be honest, I was too tired to even formulate a response.

"Hiccup..." I whispered, softly curling my finger around his. He looked into my eyes, hesitant to hear what I would say.

"I'm tired." I breathed out. My eyes blinked often, already on the verge to dreamland. He nods wordlessly, picking me up with barely any effort it seems, and bringing me inside my hut. Thankfully it seems like the twins and Snotlout have already finished with cleaning up my place.

Hiccup helped me into the shirt they picked before tucking me into my bed. His hands were comforting, brushing away loose hairs from my face. But it was fleeting, much like most of his touches towards me. Like it burned him, or he was disgusted by it.

He makes sure I'm settled well but before he could get comfy on the edge of the bed beside me, Astrid's voice is heard through the door. "Hiccup?" she calls, and his head quickly whips to the direction of her.

A small frown creeps up onto my face yet thankfully Hiccup only thinks of it as caused by my injury when he turns back to look at me. He smiles, a little unsure and an unfamiliar emotion in his eyes, as he reaches out to tuck a stray hairs away from my face.

"Sleep well. I'll be right here." he murmured. I only heard the soft sound of wood creaking and warm, green eyes before falling asleep.

note: guys,,, i've been gone so long?? literally ive been so busy T-T also got friendzoned before the summer so that was great. ANYWAYS!! if u liked this, i would so love to hear ur thoughts. and!! there may or may not be a part two to this too hehe

#ˋ°•*⁀➷ books #ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ everything nice #httyd #httyd angst #httyd rtte #hiccup x reader #hiccup x you #race to the edge

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 2 months

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NEW HAVEN WARDS THOUGHTS. ok i have. many. primarily though i would love to hear what fucking. tide's pov of insane tidalwave situation is. or just like. nhw tide thoughts in general!!!! him!! he!!! ok ok gotta go put goats 2 bed brb

AHAAAA HAHA I LOVE YOUUUUUU TIDE LAMBERT. i love you tide lambert. i also am extremely delighted by the fact that you and whiskey both sent me asks at the same time indepenently asking me about tide and mark. awesome little bowl of seeds for me in my inbox. under the cut with you

i haaaaave so many emotions about nhw tide the more i think about him.

i am still so MASSIVELY undecided on the whole clone thing but i do feel so strongly about the endbringer thing i brought up one time. i dont remember the way they are in canon but i have a lot of thoughts about tide and his siblings and their "ages" (magma is the oldest, tide is VERY close second (theyre not twins, but theyre probably only a year or less apart so they are The Oldest as a unit to the others. magma still plays the "im older than you" card to tide though). whirlwind and seismic ARE twins and they have such middle child energy. shockwave is the youngest until elle and has a complex about not being the youngest anymore. elle is the beloved baby girl. trust me i have experience in this this is basically the way my dads side of the family is) . anyway im getting distracted. anyway. tide and magma being the oldest and also being given powers specifically to counter leviathan and behemoth. i have emotions about this !!!! (i actually still dont really know whether behemoth is specifically fire coded but he does sleep in volcanoes so let me dream until worm proves me wrong). so like. even if theyre not clones they still get the whole "i was created for a purpose and i feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders because of it and its my only purpose and without it im lost and i dont know what to do with myself"

anyway. thinking about. tidalwave first meeting or like. early stages of meeting or whatever. tide is fucking INTIMIDATING. hes REALLY powerful, and also including that thing i put in my one liveblog the other day about Sere- if tide Wasnt A Hero it could be a goddamn disaster because his powers have the potential to be so fucking scary and bad and dangerous. luckily he is also the worlds biggest softie. tide is marginally less emotionally repressed than mark is, so he's more willing to initiate things.

i constantly think about tide in the context of that one post thats like "i hate when people say it costs nothing to be kind. it costs so much. i mean i'll pay it but damn" (im so mad i cant find that rn but. nhw tide thesis statement) hes not naive!!!!!!!! he knows how awful and shitty the world and the whole cape system is. but hes trying so so so hard to do the right thing and help people. that fucking gets on marks nerves so bad. tide is Too Nice and he hates it. "why cant you be more of an asshole so its easier for me to hate you" etc etc etc.

ANYWAY. early tidalwave. tide looks at wavelength and immediately sees a difference between him and some of the other villains hes fought. theres this almost feral desperation to him. outwardly hes cold and calculating and brutal but like. just a little bit beneath the surface he is. like a cornered animal. he doesnt Want to be doing this, but he Has To. and tide can. really sympathize with that and understand that i think. Mark Also Hates This, He Does Not Like To Be Perceived. i imagine theres a lot of back and forth like "i understand" "how could you possibly understand"

they become sort of like unofficial rivals- tide knows how the hero system works and how fucking nasty things could end up for mark if he fights someone who doesnt care about what happens to a villain, so its always tide seeking him out (fight to maim, not kill. sorry that sentence lives in my mind forever now). tide maybe lets him slip away and escape way easier than he should. because he Gets It. he genuinely does want to help mark, not in an "i can fix him" way, but in more of an "i can see youre in a horrible situation and i dont want to kill you just because of that, so im helping in the small way i can without making things worse for you" way. mark knows hes doing this. they never talk about it. they talk more than people who are supposed to be intent on killing each other should talk. neither of them will ever say it out loud but. the human connection outside of their respective Situations is kind of nice. regardless of how fucked up the whole thing is. ill-advised hookups, unmasking, etc etc all of that. but They Dont Talk About It Ever. next day theyre back to trying to kill each other like nothing happened. tide maybe privately mourns this, but still never says anything about it. tide visits mark in the hospital because no one else will. tide tells mark about ashe because no one else will, even if he knows that will basically shatter everything between them (its not tides fault, why would it be, but mark is a very "shoot the messenger, ask questions later" kind of guy)

anyway. i think about them a lot

#lays on the fucking FLOOR. i need 2 go make dinner. hoo boy #asks #intertexts #friends!!!#new haven wards

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caintooth · 10 months

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so. after my seizure (which i now think was also possibly a serotonin syndrome incident), i lost contact with my entire system except our 7 year old little. and for lack of better words, our inner world was literally on fire for several months.

i know a lot of people say inner worlds aren’t real and are just visualization tools, while others have much more spiritually-based beliefs about them. personally i view our inner world as a dreamscape of sorts, heavily steeped in metaphor chosen by my subconscious, which obviously represent my life and the structure of my system. i recognize it is not a real-life location, but i also recognize it is of deep emotional importance to me and my headmates. it is not a place we can actually “go” but it is a bit of an escapist fantasy world, like a child might experience while imagining time spent in Narnia or The Shire. it felt real to me in that it has (had) defined structure and “lore” surrounding the imagery as related to my selfhood.

so it does make sense that my brain feeling “on fire” due to medical incidents in the real world would be represented with literal fire within my subconscious world. but the thing about my personal experience of headspace is that no amount of simply “imagining something else” actually makes it change. i have never had control of that world, the same way i lack control in dreams, and i can only access it in heavily meditative states (which do often result in me falling asleep and dreaming about something else entirely).

my subconscious fights me on any changes i try to make, and brings me back to the same imagery again and again no matter what i try. i have only just recently been able to view headspace again without immediately being met with flames, but it is… vague and far away, for lack of better words. like literally looking through a window which is clouded with cinder and smoke. i have even less access to it than i did before. i don’t know “where” anyone is inside, except the 7 year old. he seems to have been placed in a bunker of some sorts and is happy / cared for, though a bit confused on where all his friends have gone. nobody else has been able to communicate or let me know if they are okay.

i honestly do assume the medical trauma has resulted in some sort of major restructuring of my system, which concerns me. i was just getting to understand myself and my headmates and who we all were, who we hoped to be, how and why we came into existence in the first place. now i don’t know any of that anymore except that i am charlie and the little is bug, and we are no different than before. for all we know though we could be alone in here now, just the two of us.

if anyone has advice on rebuilding lost contact and/or regaining visualization of our headspace, i would really appreciate it!

i know logically this is, technically speaking, a mental block caused by the medical trauma. but it is extremely frustrating and confusing, on top of the already stressful experience of 2 brain injuries + a seizure + possible serotonin syndrome + finding out i have a brain cyst all within one calendar year. anyway. thanks if you read this far! i really do appreciate any/all advice and/or kind words, even if i dont have the energy to respond after posting this. thanks!

#diary #actually did #dissociative identity disorder #complex dissociative disorder #actually dissociative #did system #cdd #cdd system #inner world #headspace #traumagenic system #plurality #plural system #actually plural #plural community #plural #traumagenic #traumagenic did

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soccerpunching · 1 year

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apologizing in advance cus i already sent an ask when I could have sent 2 in one (*￣▽￣*)ブ

anyway, any thoughts on kyotaku? ✪ ω ✪

DW ABT IT!! and I do answer faster when the ask has less subjects asasdfasdaasd. oh but the ask you sent earlier was for the lightning bolt asks or just an opinion on the character?

kyoutaku is very endearing to me! I'm not a big shipper myself and i dont see them around enough for them to leave an impression on me but just their dynamic is solid to me!!

i love their interactions in galaxy so much. it shows growth and depth from both their sides. and a little bit about how you can tell that those two had intimate talks outside their air time together. I wont be surprised if tsurugi confided about his guilt on what happened with his brother with shindou between chrono stone and galaxy, because shindou is a sensitive person that you can confide in and tsurugi mostly keeps to himself but opens up easier with emotionally mature people (like tenma and yuuichi). that's the energy they give.

they also would seem like the couple who wouldn't be in a lot of fight in general. I know shindou is a petty mf and that tsurugi has a history of being intolerable and kind of just disappears when he really doesnt want to be involved in a thing but even baring that, i dont think they would get in fights where they break each other emotionally. they respect each other's space and boundaries. they could be respectful of each other's space too much i think that if their relationship would ever have a crack, it would probably be caused by emotional distance (or physical distance) and not by saying something that may be personally hurtful.

they're also very chill together but they cant agree with each other's taste in music. they just agree to disagree. also, enemies to respectable teammates to friends to lovers?!?!? I'M BUYING ALL THE RECORDS FOR THAT ONE!!

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK!!!

#if they were lightning bolt asks... i'll do yours after the ones I havent answered yet... bcs i still have a couple #i surprisingly have a lot of opinion about this ship . maybe i should try ship opinions next time #OH I FORGOT TO TAG THOSE OTHER ASKS AS ASK GAMES ASDADFASD #halftime lore #kapane-luyeshu #kyoutaku #inazuma eleven #inazuma eleven go #shindou takuto #riccardo di rigo #tsurugi kyousuke #victor blade

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cutekittenlady · 8 months

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Tumblr Plays Pokemon White 2 - Part 8

((So i actually had to go back and fight a bunch of trainers to get money for more pokeballs to try and catch pokemon with.))

Well hanging out in the lot was a lot of fun but now I think I'll head back down into the sewers and get to the pokemon center. I need to prepare.

Yeah I think he's feeling a little... frustrated. Look its this whole revenge thing, I don't really wanna get into it.

Iris then asks what I'm going to do now, and honestly? While I'm aiming to fight in the gym I think I need to train some first. Get a gas mask, complete a bit more of the pokdedex. Yada yada.

Also I'm actually nearly out of the pokeballs. I've only got, like, four. And three of those I dont wanna use yet.

Guess that means one thing. I gotta fight some trainers for cash.

I start in the sewers. I opt to not use healing items like potions. I'd rather not spend money trying to buy more so instead my team and I are just going to have the train the difficult way by healing at the pokemon center for free. Once we have enough money and balls saved up we can try to fill out more of the pokedex.

Besides I wanna make sure I'm strong enough to beat Burgh and this as good of an excuse as any to train up.

I actually try to avoid most of the wild pokemon, saving up our energy for the trianers.

Turns out one of the trainers I beat is a doctor so i was able to get my pokemon healed up! And immediately after that I found a scientist who gave me a super potion! Dang things are looking up! I found a few items in the sewer I might be able use or sell as well.

Place still reeks though.

Getting curious I choose to check out that gaping hole in the sewers and find myself in a cave system (relic passage) rather than explore further I opt to leave it alone for now and return later.

((I actually completely forgot about Relic passage when making the poll. XD I think I'll include it amongst the potential places to catch mons after we get our eevee encounter once we get enough money for more pokeballs.))

AAAnd that rare bone I found in the sewer sold for fifty bucks

NICE

And I spend ALL my money on great balls. I decide it'll be a good idea to head to that little hidden park to start some training.

I wonder around in the grass a bit and run into an Eevee. A friggin EEVEE! A wild one! I can't believe this! Those are insanely rare in Unova!

EVERY trainer wants an eevee!

Bentley! Aries! Do NOT screw this up!

I swap Bentley out for Molly both to take down Petilil sooner, and to avoid Bentleys old habits from kicking in.

Don't look at me like that Bentley you know what you did!

After that it was a matter of being insanely cautious with the damage.

Once I got eevee down to a reasonable health level I decided that now, now was the time to use that Ultra ball I was given back in Aspertia.

Ultra ball dont fail me now!

I select.

I throw.

aaaaaand

Eevee on the team!!!

Ohhhhh he is just so CUTE!

What shall I name him? I mean he was the first pokemon in this whole thing to win, more or less, by a massive landslide. So I feel like I should incorporate that in the name.

I asked my sister what I should name this Eevee and she suggest Pollemachus in reference to him winning the poll. That sounded werid so I was considering Champ but while we were discussing it and even seeing if Pollemachus would fit into the pokemon nickname section (it did not) we wound up coming across the name Pollux. Which apparently means "very sweet" some sources claimed it also meant "crown"? I'm not sure but given this pokemon by a Poll that was absolutely no contest I think it only seems right to give him a name in reference to it.

So after a LOT of debate the little Eevees name became Polux.

And now for the moment of truth.

The nature check.

I spent so much time looking for this Eevee. I can only hope the pokmeon challenge gods look favorably upon me.

Okay

Bentley. Quiet Nature.

Aries. Hasty Nature.

Molly. Hardy Nature.

Polux.

...

DOCILE NATURE

YES.

Now of course Polux is gonna need training but I think I may be okay to challenge the bug type gym!

There will be a set of new polls soon!

#lol this was a shorter post #but a longer play session #took me AWHILE to encounter polux #tumblr plays pokmeon #tumblr plays pokemon white 2 #white 2 #pokemon white 2 #pokemon black 2 #black 2 #pokemon black and white 2 #pokemon playthrough #pokemon poll #pokmeon #pkmn b2w2 #pokemon b2w2

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laffy-taffy-creations · 1 year

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Day 1 of whumptober!

This fic was cross-posted on Ao3 here

Just One Day

Safety Net | Swooning | "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Words: 1,040

Warnings: sickness, overexertion, self-hatred, human experiments, broken promises, adultification of a minor, child abuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, uhhh…3?” someone asked.

I turned. “Oh, hey 7. What’s up?”

“9 sent me to see you. Whatcha doing?”

“Fixing the home remedy for tonight’s batch of allergic reactions. Our stupid ‘caretakers’ decided that fish sticks would be a brilliant choice of dinner despite at least 170 of the nearly 300 of us being allergic to fish or the oil the use to fry shit.”

“Really?”

I scoffed, “I know right? You’d think they’d realize what a bad idea that is.”

“No,” she said, “I mean you know how to combat allergic reactions?”

I looked at her confused. “Yeah, I’ve been the one making the remedies for everyone since being chosen as an experiment… did you really not know this?”

“I mean, I knew someone was making them, but I figured it would be one of the adults, not… you… do you even have allergies?”

“No, but that doesn’t really matter?”

She was stunned. “3. You’re 11. Are you trying to tell me that ontop of caring for literally every person in this facility, teaching everyone Japanese, making sure we’re all safe and that fights dont break out, keeping us educated as possible, ensuring we all make it to sleep at night and tending to the other kids teens and sometimes adults that have issues sleeping, you’ve also been the person keeping track of allergies and making the drinks infused with whatever it is that keep allergies from being life threatening?”

“Uhhhh, yeah? Why is that so confusing to you?”

“3! You’re 11 for crying out loud! Are you trying to tell me you’ve been single-handedly taking care of everyone in every aspect imaginable SINCE YOU WERE NINE?!?!?!”

“7. Calm down.”

“I will NOT! You’re a fucking fifth grader taking care of nearly 300 people on your own!”

“And I’ve been doing that job just fine for 2 years.”

“3-”

“Sayovai.”

“No, I dont wanna hear it, what the actual fuck 3?-”

“Sayovai.”

“You cant be serious, I mean-”

“SAYOVAI! YEHLISA UMOYA!”

She finally paused.

“I am fine. You are fine. I am doing what I have to so we can all survive here, I’m our safety net. Ngicela ungithembe nje, kulungile?”

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Fine. So long as you promise awuzicindezeli… you can promise me that, akunjalo?”

I laughed a bit. “Yebo, ngiyathembisa.”

“Good.”

----《 ¤ 》----

I tried to keep my promise.

----《 ¤ 》----

“3, you doing good?” Max asked me.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I think, just a mild sickness…”

He paused. “Go back to your room.”

“What?”

“Go back to your room. If you’re sick right now, you have to go rest.”

I protested, “I’m fine Max! It’s just a mild sickness of some sort…”

“OV, if you could see yourself right now, you’d know damn well this isn’t ‘mild sickness’.”

I scoffed.

“You’re barely walking right now.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying, I-! Actually, you know what, stay right fucking there, I’m getting 9.”

“Okay, but I’m telling you, it’s not that bad.”

I waited for a while.

They finally returned but… Was I on the floor now? When had that happened?

There was some noise, it was faint. Like someone was calling to me. I saw what looked like a hand in front of me. I made some sort of noise, trying to respond. I felt like I should be panicking, but I had too little energy.

Next thing I knew, I was off the ground. Was someone carrying me? Everything was blurry. I could barely keep my eyes open.

Then it was soft.

Incredibly soft. I recognized the feeling of a bed.

I melted into the dark surrounding me. Eventually my hearing cleared. And I was able to open my eyes again.

“3? 3 are you awake?” I heard.

“Mmmmmm…”

“Hey, hey! Dont fall asleep again! Look at me,” it sounded like Relena.

I opened my eyes and weakly pushed myself up. This whole situation was so vague in my memory… I feel like I have something to do…

“Hey, 3, look at me. How many fingers am I holding up?”

I concentrated as best I could. “Mmmm…. Four?” I guessed.

She sighed and put her hand down, “No OV… Just rest, I’ll take care of today. You’re too out of it to do anything right now.”

That jogged my mind a bit. There’s… a lot of us… in the building… I’m meant to be taking care of us… I’m meant to be taking care of us!

I instantly started to get out of bed and was just as instantly pushed back into in. “No 3! You stay here!”

“I’m meant to… be taking care of… the others right now!” I slurred.

“No! I’m taking care of the others today! You’re sick!”

My vision started getting blurry again and I could feel a tightening in my throat. “But I-"

“But nothing! Rest!”

I felt something warm go down my cheek. “I’m supposed to- I’m our safety net! If I’m not there and something really bad happens-”

“We’ll take care of it! There’s more people than just you here, 3. If things really go wrong, we’ll figure it out.”

I was starting to have some trouble breathing. Crying. That’s what’s happening. I’m sobbing.

“But- the, the others-”

“Vee, I can take over for a day. It’s one day. You’re usually our safety net. Let us be yours.”

She lifted my mask and wiped away my tears. “We’ll be fine. Just take a break. You’ve already done way too much for your age. Just one day, okay?”

I nodded as best I could. I ended up crying myself back to sleep. Even after waking up again, this time alone in my room, I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d somehow failed everyone.

It should’ve been fine. I should’ve been able to handle it. It’s my job to take care of the others. Today shouldn’t have been any different.

“Hey, 3, you awake in here?” someone called from the doorway after a while, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, what is it Agno?”

“Dinnertime. C’mon, join us. We missed you today.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit, just gimmie a moment.”

You shouldn’t have missed me today. Because I should’ve been there. I should’ve been there.

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piplupod · 1 year

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its all good and fine when I can recognize smth is the moral ocd because then i can at least tell myself im being silly even if i don't always believe it.

however. the real issue arises when i cannot tell if smth is the moral ocd or if its a genuine thing that i am doing badly/not trying hard enough with/etc.

example of brain spiral under the cut:

because then im tearing myself apart and telling myself i need to read books i dont have the energy or brain ability for (not in a lazy way, in a genuine "words are not processing in the brain and i cannot understand a single sentence of what I'm reading" way) and fight everyone on every bigoted thing they say until i have no friends left and my family truly hates my guts and i commit suicide because then maybe I'll be a real activist who's trying hard enough, because if I'm not doing enough to the point where i call out every single thing thats wrong and want to die then am i really actually learning enough and thinking abt things enough and doing enough? if I ignore Anything in favour of my own safety and well-being then I'm complicit in fascism and bigotry and would probably be better off dead anyways because the world doesnt need more self-hating self-serving cowards like me. why should i ensure my own safety when other people out there are unsafe because they don't have the option to hide? i should be experiencing every little bit of hurt and danger every oppressed minority out there experiences, otherwise I'll never understand how it really feels and i must understand it fully so that i can be a better activist and fight for real change.

this is a genuine train of thought that i continuously go through until I'm able to either stress myself out over something else enough to distract myself or get distracted by smth else. this comes up at once every two days, often more, and I genuinely cannot tell whether this is the moral ocd tendencies or if it's a correct line of thinking.

because what if it Is the correct line of thinking and everyone who tells me otherwise is just too complicit in bigotry and fascism to "put in the real work" and sacrifice their comfort? i dont know! im so tired of this though because i feel like a terrible person no matter what direction i go with this, and i obviously cannot tell any mental health professionals (counselor and psychiatrist) i see about it because they're all useless for me and I wouldn't believe anything they say anyways. (also i am ashamed of it and dont want them knowing lol)

anyways. if anyone has any insight lmk bc i am desperate lol. if this is the correct line of thinking then i would like to know so i can start doing more shit, and it its the moral ocd then I'd like to know so i can stop agonizing over this so consistently.

#pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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traumadotwav · 9 days

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she didnt tell me when the worker was leaving which like fine whatever i can figure that out myself its just bafflingly rudeness all the time, i step out to get like water and food and see shes thrown a bunch of like paper patterns of mine away when i had already put them away so im taking them out of the trash its like a new bag so she did this after i went into my room under the impression that he was going to be looking at the window and roof not be outside my door working on the heater for three hours otherwise i would have pre-coffeed and snack, i breakfast'd before then but even that had been like a fight, so its dead silent and warm in the house from her running the heater and the guy running it like its off now i turn the a/c back on like its not as wildly warm as it was the other days but its still like 75+ im wearing a mask cause there was worker in the house and my mom kept being like are you wearing the mask cause of me or cause of the guy and i fully just boggled at her for a bit while she repeated that and was finally like because there was another person here and she asked again and i was like ? repeats what i said ? like are you on something girl gdfgdgfd and im trying to make coffee and she crowding me telling me about something that im pretty sure did not happen with the neighbor and their dog being in the backyard i didnt hear a Single thing from that and even if it did i dont particularly care over like the construction happening in the house and still like that she kept lying about the kind that would be here today and im just like okay throughout it and she then Finally started to tell me about the home improvement people and being like oh they said theyll have to put a grill vent over your door and i was like why would they do that my room doesnt go anywhere youd only do that if my room wasnt getting heat, it does, a lot, i have to seal off the ceiling ducts in the winter or my room just with the heater on gets into the 80s we need ventilation in the bathroom and side vents in main parts of the house and insulation and the windows done and like i know shes just saying that to get a rise out of me, if they put a vent in the hall itll be like in the center where the duct actually is or over the bathroom like over my door is just wall into a room ?? and then after i had engaged a little bit with saying over my door is just the wall to the room theres no duct there? like again shes just saying stuff but im baffled by that like yeah in older houses there are vents like that but it would serve no purpose it would be high out of reach to a room with two ceiling vents already hkfjh but i did engage a little bit and she was all like hehe they said theyre going to give us a modern new furnance im going to fight them so we can keep our old one and i was literally like fully just why would you do that gdgdfg and she was like ours is just so big theyll replace it with an energy efficient one and she said it like gagging like and i was just again boggling at her like yeah one that would cost less to run and run better???????????? one that is silent and made for the size of the house????? like shes only saying all this to upset me and she was doing so much "cleaning" at me like yeah the guy doing the work really needed you to throw my shoes in one big pile i think he was offering to look at the internal a/c which we have never used its like in the attic in needs of repair and she was talking him out of looking this time and then as im making coffee she was like what do you want to eat, for like dinner, and its like im making coffee right now gdgdfg and she was like suggests a thing im looking forward to and i was like oh yes lets do that and she was then like Actually Im Going To Do Something Else and that something else is fine its just like, okay, gdfgfdgd

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sentofight · 1 month

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ooc. brain squeezed a little bit of energy and wrote this. I wouldn't say this is a properly proofread and stuff but I kind of give up. It is considered a draft lol but hey i want to reward myself and my brain so good job brainy. my bs down here got hint of headcanon (leaning to the canon divergent area once i add Ai.Ni stuff so you are warned.)

also copy past what i had on the first post i drafted--my rant.

ooc. it is something i kept on the shelf for a while because help my brain it is getting so slow with stuff like this. timeline for date--aka ha/yato y/agyu. ofc it is headcanon thing since we dont perceive A/iNi for the crap they pulled about him. look it gave us older zuki and thank you for it but otherwise ... that heap of garbage fire about my man date no thanks. stop making everyone wait for him. lets face it, he is not worth the wait. everyone should've moved on and not 'wait' for him. and the whole lol i forgot, again~. please. stop toying with ppl like that. i feel bad for hitomi but i feel even bad for boss. the woman risked everything for him the first time you know. but the one who got actually devastated is zuki. he said he would be there for her--the new family, the new safe home and YET HE GOES MIA. damn i hate it. it's like they wanted to pull the 'let us kill the mentor move so the pupil can go on this self reflecting journey and grow stronger'. no homie it does not work like that. feeling abandoned is different. anyway. my attempt at this timeline thing. again, mostly headcanon and ofc canon divergent because of A/iNi crap.

Down the cut, yehaw.

Birth

Born in 3rd of August, 1977 to unnamed parents and was placed in an orphanage his whole teenage years. In the orphanage, Hayato was treated badly there. There are no actual stories or incidents but knowing how bad some orphanages can be in the real world, I’d headcanon he was beaten because of the simplest mistakes. I’d think there might be some sexual misconduct but I wouldn’t go that far, perhaps to some other orphans but maybe not Hayato due to how resilient and unyielding personality from a young age. It would be troublesome to try to tame someone like him in that way. It won’t break him but what would break him is seeing something like that is inflicted on someone weaker than him. Probably this is how he was ‘punished’ back then. The more stubborn he is, the more someone is going to get the end stick to penalize Hayato indirectly. Hence, why he grew up to lust and crave for justice. As we were told by Rohan Kumakura, prisoner 89 wanted to seek justice on ‘evils of the world’ whatever they are. if you fit the evil image in his mind, you are to be punished for it.

School days

During his time in the orphanage, Hayato went to school but due to the stigma of being a “throw away child”, he was not given that much of a chance to enjoy school life. He had a strict curfew so there was no chance for him to join a school club or hang out with ‘friends’ which he didn’t have. Despite that, he made sure to focus on one thing; how to get justice for himself and for everyone who were wronged, thus researching and figuring out his path after school and after leaving the orphanage—going to the police academy! Luckily, with enough school credits and doing his best to not get into fights, which at times were unavoidable due to how some would keep instigating the fights because of his upbringing. However, Hayato is smart. He’d know how to end the fight in his favor. It is something he had to learn in the orphanage (or actually he learned FROM the orphanage whenever any inspection coming, no one would see the abuse. They know how to hide the marks and injuries.) With that, Hayato managed to score enough to send application to the police academy to ensure his place is booked by the time he can leave the orphanage and no moment wasted. Not all orphans from his place got the chance to go to school, so whenever he is free, he’d teach the kids there what he knows. Mostly, how to protect themselves.

Leaving the Orphanage

On the 3rd of August 1995, the same day he turned 18 he immediately left the orphanage. There was no hesitation, no second thoughts. He was literally dying to leave that hellscape. To make sure his plan worked efficiently, he made sure all the steps were taken properly in his high school years. Hayato had saved up enough money to rent a room but because of the whole legal papers and all, he had some troubles but worked them out with some persuasion. After that, Hayato kept working part time jobs here and there waiting for his letter of acceptance. Hayato would join the police academy at the age of 18.

Police Academy

Being young and with little experience of life under his belt, he had to be careful around everyone. He kept everyone at an arm length and more. Being from an orphanage, he learned about the hierarchy the hard way. In there, who got the absolute word in any matter was the orphanage manager, then the workers, then the orphan seniors. Upset any of these and you’ll get one ticket to hell time. The seniors in particular were the toughest on the other orphans. The more they kept the ‘order’ the more rewards they get themselves. After all, they are most likely handpicked by the workers to make the work easier on them. You go against the seniors, then you are basically going against the workers. Hayato tried to understand the hierarchy in the police academy first then work his way up the ladder to be the highest. Technically, Hayato was accepted as a student not a cadet when he was 18 for two years he learned various things which he was not privileged to learn in normal school or from the orphanage [from character building to laws.] Officially, he joined when he became 20 about the legal age in J.apan. During these two years, Hayato spent it studying and working to achieve his dream. Just going into the police academy was not enough. He had to know which position he should aim for if he wants to ‘punish’ evil doers in the world. It was hard for him to figure out if he wants to do it by his own hands or through others. Though being fueled by nothing but anger and hatred, he had to go with the former—punish them himself. It wouldn’t feel right if someone else did it. Though at this point what he envisioned was through the law or he wouldn’t go through the trouble with going to the police academy.

Now he is in the ranks, he kept his same pace—work hard, keep everyone at a safe distance, and mark your targets. The training in the police academy was honestly a joke at first to him. What he had to go through in his orphanage years prepared him for the worst. Mental games the officers would pull on the cadets didn’t work on Hayato. If anything, it made him scoff and entice the anger of some officers with his snarky remarks. He excelled in whatever they thrown at him, after all he got a goal he works for. He was not liked among his peers but no one can hate him because they see him working twice harder than anyone because of his ‘background’. It did come to moments where he would bash someone’s head but is saved by none other than the new [friend] he managed to acquire—Shizue Kuranushi. Even if he was over his past, there were times certain flashbacks would get him.

Rivalry with Shizue Kuranushi

As mentioned before, Hayato didn’t have friends back in the police academy because to him, they are all rivals aiming for the position he wants. Though one in particular was almost head to head with his achievements and at times, surpassing him—Shizue. Their first meeting was not strange occurrence but she did leave a great impression on someone who does not even care to remember his senior officer’s name. The two would often challenge each other whether shooting, running, physical training etc. Sometimes she would come up over him and sometimes he would. That to say, these two dominated every training with unbreakable records for the poor peasants in their same class year. As they bonded together, Hayato confined to Shizue about a portion of his ‘plan’ which is to seek justice. That did resonate with Shizue’s own wish to climb the ladder to seek the same thing. However, she knew he had more to tell but there was nothing she can do to get the whole truth out of him--not even getting drunk at an ungodly hour on their day off. Hayato was careful to not let his inner thoughts slip for a second. It was dangerous. Years passed and the two graduated, Hayato went to his suitable job being a detective, and Shizue who conquered all odds and became a squad leader. Going by this chart,

we see that Shizue is ranked above Hayato. Because this is the right way they chose to go by. Perhaps Shizue figured that Hayato was not going to fight her for this position thus made sure to keep him around her as a detective of her precinct. Honestly, Hayato might be ambiguous and enigmatic to all but Shizue; she could read him like an open book. Perhaps due to their shared struggles and all.

Rookie Detective

Hayato was the type to work on any case thrown at him. Being a rookie, he was belittled at first, especially with his background. He knew he had to gain the trust from these idiotic old farts who sit on their chairs and do nothing properly to get the big cases. It is the ‘play nice to get what you want’ kind of act. There were cases where he had seen the senior detectives give up on because it is pain in the ass to keep searching for evidence which didn’t help his inner passion for justice and society reform. He did get into trouble with bickering with senior detectives over cases but he had to dial it down at times. Though his hot flaming hot Cheetos brain would get the better of him and whack a detective or two yelling at them to do their job properly. That leads him to a couple of days out of service and cut in his salary but that didn’t bother him. If anything, whenever he comes back he has this smug face like ‘try again’. Even if someone wanted to take him out of the force, they couldn’t. One, his record at solving crimes is impressive and kicking him out would make everyone turn at them for questions. Two, the man got the squad leader as a friend. Do you know how that elevate his ‘social’ position? Shizue, even if she didn’t do anything, just people figuring out that she is Hayato’s friend would make some things easier for the detective. Who would want to cross the squad leader, huh? Little did they know that Shizue would never give a fuck about Hayato (because he is a big boy he can do his own ass wiping) and he would never ask her for a favor even if his life depended on it.

Downfall

Hayato Yagyu’s downfall happened when he was pursuing a criminal and followed him to the Harbor Warehouse District. This criminal is wanted for assaulting and murdering multiple women. This would be the breaking point for Hayato why? Because the criminal did something similar to what used to happen back in the orphanage. If a senior orphan hit a young orphan just because he wanted, the senior could get away from any punishment because he is on good terms with the workers. Basically, he got the connection to escape from any crime he committed or is committing or will commit. The fact that the criminal gloated that no matter what Hayato will do, the criminal’s connection will get him out in no time. The man didn’t choose the right time to rub that salt on Yagyu’s wound because the detective was holding his gun at the criminal. Feeling that the cycle is repeating over and over, the strong and with connection will come on top no matter what and the weak will be stepped on, Hayato didn’t feel himself but emptying his gun on the criminal. And as per usual, something of this scale would be reported heavily on. A detective becoming the judge, the jury and the execution, that is unheard of. Obviously, the police force had to cover this up whilst it sweep the whole force and by default open up some cans of worms which no one want to be opened. Thus, covering Hayato Yagyu’s case and manipulated and forged the evidence to present it as self-defense.

Hayato always knew he wanted to serve justice by his own hands but now, he is now sure than ever that justice is not served through the mainstream mean he thought he would do it—through the police work but ACTUALLY by his OWN hands. What he envisioned first was to do it via the proper channels and get it recognized by the legal system but now … pretty much fuck the legal system we bring justice by his own means. Hence, doing all the work by himself—killing the criminals he deem unworthy of a trial or a jail cell. Knowing how to cover up for his tracks, Hayato managed to kill more than 17 criminal. However, his gig was found by a group, a yakuza mob syndicate called the Kumakuras.

From Detective to Hitman

The reason why Hayato was found by this group is because he targeted one of their people. A guy called [X] and is important part of the Kumakuras. That did not go well with the chairman of the group and at that time it was Rohan. The chairman ordered that Yagyu to be brought in front of him. The faithful location of Yagyu gaining his new moonlight job and alias was the Kabasaki Chemical Plant. There, Rohan with his henchmen had Yagyu restrained and questioned about his strange and impressive past. Knowing Hayato kills the criminals yet when he looked over his record, there was no mention of these said killings. It means that this Hayato is the piece of pawn Rohan wanted for his group. Hayato was offered a position as an assassin and he had no choice but to accept since the other position is being 6 feet underground. His new moonlight job earned him the codename [Falco].Hayato would work normally in the morning as your local detective and by night when he is given an order by the Kumakuras, he’d turn into the assassin Falco. All this started in 2010ish so then Hayato Yagyu was in his thirties. This did a huge blow to his mindset, his values and certainly his ambition.

Breaking free?

His first hope of breaking from this vicious cycle he got himself into was his meeting with Hitomi Sagan. Their faithful meeting was when Hayato was following a target but he got the better of him and shot him in the stomach. Hayato assessing the situation, it would be foolishness to pursue in this case so he opt to escape and finally collapsed nearby Ikume Shrine. At that time, he thought that this is the end of him. All the things he had done is coming to bite him in the ass when someone came to his aid. The elementary teacher, Hitomi came to his rescue. She brought to a mob doctor called Dokuta Yogano after managing to flee the men pursing Hayato. (let’s not mention that he assaulted her by a kiss smh.) This was the spark Hayato needed to regain in 2013.

Because of their faithful encounter, Hayato became to meet Hitomi in secret because of his position and her position. It would look unfavorable for Hitomi’s look—a single mother suddenly bringing a strange man to her home. Not to mention her job as an elementary teacher, bad rep will affect her job. However, he never told her his real name just Falco. The little she knows about him, the less harm she can come her way, and if he managed to pull himself away from her, she… couldn’t find him. Though all that said and done, he was falling deeper and deeper in this peace and warmth that Hitomi had given him. The two went on dates and Hitomi realized how soft and adorable Falco actually is. Sharing another kiss and it is implied that the two grow closer about their backgrounds; Hitomi telling Falco about her best friend. Afterwards, Hitomi decided to introduce Falco to Iris who was 12 at that time. The two bonded quickly and she kept calling him uncle.

The Cyclops Serial Killings

Detective Yagyu was assigned to a new case which they dub as “Cyclops Serial Killings.” Four bodies of women were found missing their right eyes. During this time, Falco grew even closer to the Sagan family to which Iris suggested he marries her mom so he can become Dad and it was non other than Falco who gave Iris the idea of the name A-Set.

Because of this newfound feeling in his heart, Falco decided to do something almost crazy. He went to Rohan and asked him if he can stop being an assassin—to walk free from his job for the Kumakuras. Rohan was surprisingly ok with it but he asked him to do one last job which is to kill the Sagan family. The reason he wants to walk away from this life is the key to it. Of course, Falco had to accept because knowing his refusal means someone else will do the hit. To save his family, he finally gave up and went to seek Shizue’s help. He confessed to everything from A to Z. Surprisingly, as well, she was on his side. She told him about ABIS and the Psync Machine. The plan was simple, switch places with Rohan, issue command to leave the Sagans and then Falco would be able to save his family which he has now to …abandon them.

The plan was set in motion, Shizue brought Rohan to HQ, drugged him and took him to the psync room to swap with Hayato. The thing they didn’t expect was that Rohan and an accomplice—Saito Seijima were the killers they are looking for. To their shock, Rohan escaped in Hayato’s body and went to kill the Sagans. In the confrontation, Hayato (in Rohan’s body) shot at Rohan (in Hayato’s body) but Hitomi stepped in to save Hayato (Rohan.) That led to shooting Hitomi in her left arm and side which after the surgery made it unusable. Guilt eating him up, Hayato left them.

To finish what he started, Hayato went to the Kumakura to pose as Rohan and issue that the hit on the Sagans is off. Next, he went to meet up with Shizue so they can trick Saito Sejima for their investigation. Saito did confess of his crimes to Hayato/Rohan but then finds about that Rohan is not Rohan so he captures him and sends him to the Abandoned Chemical Plant. There, they tortured him and used truth serum to fess up with everything. Saito now knows about the Psync machina, the prototype in Chiba. He orders for it to be brought to him and after a while the machine is in Saito’s hands to abuse.

Not only Saito tortured Hayato but he forced a swap on him to take over Rohan’s body. For the swap to happen, Saito removed his own eye and Rohan’s and made the swap. Tragically, an error occurred and the body swap went through, however, the memories part didn’t transfer successfully. Making Hayato in Saito’s body and waking up with no recollection of what happened, he escaped after seeing a lot of men around him.

In his escape, Shizue found him but thought he was Saito himself but talking to him she realized that it is none other than Hayato but without his memories so she took him in and faked or made a new family registry for him with the help of someone you wouldn’t think of but So Seijima himself, Saito’s father and MPD. Then, Hayato who was Falco who turned to Rohan then swapped with Saito is now called Kaname Date, the new Psyncer for ABIS.

New Identity, new connections

With Hayato now being in Saito’s body and gaining a new identity which is Kaname Date, he is to the world the funny energetic detective that house the artificial intelligent aiball in his left eye—Aiba. The two met in 2014 (counting Hayato’s real age would be 37) and started working together. A problem come with being in Saito’s body is that Aiba had to keep an eye on his oxytocin level and supply it to his brain directly otherwise, well… he goes nuts. Allegedly. Because the game plot for saito is that he is born with this defect and not having oxytocin means he does not feel love. Funny thing that I looked over this and well. I was surprised by the thing I learned about oxytocin and what it actually means to have low level of it. 1) empathy in social situations and 2) and hanky panky. Actual segs stuff which leads to babies and breastfeeding and all that jazz. So where did the love for murder and not having it makes him nuts? Anyway plot potato thing.

During his time as Kaname Date, unlike his previous life, he made friends—Renju in particular and his wife Shoko. Hence, later on befriending their daughter Mizuki. This turn of personality be due to Saito’s influence and also Hayato’s deep need of connections—true and honest connections.

Renju

Renju confessed to Date about his past but that didn’t stop Date from being his friend. Yes, what he did was wrong but Renju had no hand in the actual murders themselves. Date admires the perseverance of Renju, something he needs to push himself to do.

Shoko

I honestly, for my interpretation I see Date ‘tolerating’ Shoko. She may be not a strong friend to him but he can understand that she is going through a lot. But he does not understand that the need to resort to violence and against non-other than her daughter. Honestly, had Date is still Hayato, he might have done something to separate Mizuki from Shoko early on. No one knows what abuse is more than Hayato himself, no family, no friends nothing, just alone and he had to face lots of hardships on his own. Meanwhile, Mizuki got parents but they don’t love her properly like any parents should??? That’s crazy. She deserves better in his eyes. Thus why Date is trying to come around and understand Shoko a little bit. Yes, still no excuse to hit a child even if you are feeling like the whole weight of the world on you—you chose to give birth to her. She didn’t choose this life. Deal with it.

Mizuki

Being the daughter of his good and ok friends, she obviously was special to him. Again, just because he is in Saito’s body and without his Hayato’s memories didn’t mean he found himself always weak to kids. Date got a soft spot for her, perhaps due to what he knows about her parents and due to how she always presents herself as strong and capable of handling herself. It nags something inside of his soul deeeep inside. A soft voice saying ‘that’s you’ at one point in his life. The struggling, the pretending, the putting up fronts etc. Date just can’t help but look after her even if Renju didn’t ask him to take her if things were to go south.

A Guardian

When Renju and Shoko divorced in 2015 (38 years old Hayato), Date was automatically tasked with watching over Mizuki. Honestly, he had his doubts. If Renju couldn’t have time to be with her when they were living together and he is her father, what does he think that Date would have time to be with her? He’s a detective. He could go all over the place in search of evidence and clues and she would be all alone all over again. It bothered him but thankfully, Boss does not give him more than one case to work on so he can come back home on a reasonable time and be with Mizuki more.

True that their relationship took a while for it to develop with how hurt Mizuki is. Date cannot hope to win her trust that easily but he never gave up and kept pestering her day and night. Slowly, they come to accept each other. For her birthday he gave her adorabbit which she didn’t like at first but then grew attached to it. The adorable fact between them that they make each other like stuff the other didn’t know about or care about. Mizuki started collecting stickers which Date started helping her then she grew less interested in but Date kept collecting them for her.

Her time in school was rough for a young girl whose parents got divorced. Date suggested, with obviously calculated plan, to teach her the art of defending herself—martial arts. Of course, he just unlocked the beast inside of Zuki and since then she kept breaking his kneecaps. (jk)

The New CK

Since his new identity, it has been 6 years. The new case he got is the murder of his friend, Shoko—Mizuki’s mom, November 1st, 2019. Hayato is 42 and it has been five years since Mizuki started living with him.

Imma just summarize the routes because we know the true ending is the one so.

For Oda’s route and Mizuki’s route the only thing I can take from is his relationship with Mizuki growing up; befitting the found family image. [crying about zuki in date’s somsom]

For Iris’ route, it showcase that Date again got the soft spot for kids. Not to mention, the background that Date (Hayato) and Iris shared, it might influence Date why he would believe Iris even though she spit out hot flaming garbage about the Nianiaxtlolnonlon organization and the wadget system and brain wave take over or something. The fact Date just accepted Iris words and worked together to prove her claims. But in the end, losing her. Ouchie.

Destruction route…hello pain and suffering. Idk what to say except date is an idiot and he had a chance to fondle boss’ chest and he missed it lmao. Listen!!! Like that route is mind blowing like what happened to Hitomi okay? The fact that most puzzle pieces are coming together and voila you are not you is just big brain move. Kind of reminds me of the Delta ending in ZED—shooting the screen lol.

True ending..wonderful, amazing, immaculate we got our body back. God bless, now we can go back and date that wonderful teacher and seg---. Anyway. BODY is back. Hayato is back. No more Saito’s body because god forbid trying to hijack that body again without that handsome head which was …fireworked. This sit us at the end with Hayato in his real body and he is old fart of 42 years old (I’m thinking about that his birthday is on august and the case on November so he is 43?)

That’s as far as the first game. Quick recap

3rd of August 1977--Born

3rd of August 1995—Left orphanage, age 18

1995 ~ 2000—Police Academy years, age 23

2000~ 2010—Working as a Detective, age 33

2010~2013—Falco time, age 35

2014—New life, [Kaname Date]+ meeting Aiba, age Hayato 36, Saito 30

2015~2019—Living with Mizuki, age 39

2019—the start of the New Cyclops Killings ~ true ending, Hayato got his body back, age 39

#ooc.| faty speaks #building up.| date #[here i am.........this is me.........................dead.#[goodbye world..

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indigo474 · 1 year

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July 15th-electric energy-

so much happens in my life.. daily.. so much life. my back doesnt hurt, i'm not exactly sure what i did, the weight was relatively light, 135.. i think i may have been in my head a bit and not really focused on what i was doing and ouch.. i did upper body on Thursday and it was heavy.. he really pushes me it seems more so on upper.. 112.5x2.. he keeps upping it.. i was disappointed in myself with the whole back thing.. i feel like it was a set back, because it was. James says it it all part of the process, i have to trust that it is and not be hard on myself..Kika looks great. Not the same happy pup but getting there. she's moving a little slower. the cute guy said bye to me Bye April.. see i remembered.. funny thing is.. i don't know his name.. I'll have to ask him the next time i see him. he's such a baby.. 20 something.. he's always talking about books.. he had a copy of the art of war in his gym bag.. intelligence is so sexy.. oh you read 💦

I was going to see my friend today but decided not too for various reasons. Mads has off from work and wanted to spend time together.. i was fine doing that but i had to tell her to stop treating me like shit.. i told her i didn't want to be around her. she gets in these moods where she is just on me.. everything i say she has a negative comment. she's been ok since i said something to her. we were going to go to the beach- she would rather go to a pool so we are going to the pool..

in the past few days i had 3 cardinals fly in front of me. 2x in my car and 1x in the woods. numbers numbers everywhere.. i realize i give meaning to things but dam it's weird seeing the same numbers everywhere.. 322 constantly.. i was running through the woods and 2 little dogs appeared out of nowhere.. i think i scared them just as much as they scared me.. i was so pissed- i cursed at their owner.. I tired to run and failed.. my inner critic came out loud.. hard. i didnt really fail i just didn't do what i wanted to do and i started to really beat myself up over it and i haven't gone down that path in a while but it's still there.. i had to catch myself.. why are you doing this to yourself? Why? I dont even know who's voice it is.. is it mine? x? my mom? who's voice is tell me im a total waste of space and a failure and nothing and unlovable and worse.. i cant imagine i was born thinking those things abut myself. And i catch myself and tell myself none of it is true.. don't fight it, love it, show yourself compassion and support and be your own friend. there is an old version of myself who would have quit a long time ago. there is an old version of me who wouldn't have even been able to recognize the loop of self hate that was being played inside her head, because it was normal to have those thoughts and feeling about herself.. this all happens within a 15 minute time frame as i am walking and running through the woods battling myself.. at war with myself. By the time i get to my car i feel like i've had some sort of breakthrough.

I was told i am too white by a black co worker. It happened during a supervisors meeting. there was a lot of cross talk going on so im not sure if anyone else heard it. I literally had to bite my lip to not say what i wanted to say because i knew if i said it the room would fall silent and i would be escorted out the door or this co worker would have wanted to fight me in the parking lot.. so i just documented it.. yep learned all about documentation in training. it's not the first comment i've received about me being white. something else happened this week.. with one of my reps and the ice queen. I documented it but.. i have a feeling.. i dont know what but this might not go away and it will be my word and the reps word against the ice queens word.. not sure how well i will make out in this situation.. the ice queen was wrong and she knows it.. i dont have anything to hide as i wasn't the one doing the talking.. i tried to make things better.. i learned a valuable lesson.. i just dont know if there is going to be a price to pay for said lesson.. there usually is.. i'll know come next thursday.

My mom texted me that my Aunt has cancer.. she thought i should know. I saw her at the park last year 2x and kept running. i told myself if i ever see her again i would stop and talk. i dont know how to tell Mads as i think she will be upset. I thought maybe something was wrong with Ryan. I guess not.. still in jail.

Other things .. explainable.. i feel the electricity in the air. there is a current of excitement.. i cant explain it but i can feel it. i can see it too.. in the clouds and the trees- the birds and butterflies.. i can feel it in the air- i can feel it.. so many people telling me they feel lucky.. i feel lucky i feel lucky.. its a good energy.. its a great energy..

the office narcissist left a gift on my desk this week. last week she ignored me and talked shit to my reps about me.. this week gifts.. i know i shouldn't be surprised.. i mean, i was married to someone who talked shit on me.. but i'm still surprised at how shitty people can be..

I have no idea what i'm doing as far as moving.. i saw a house but its too much house for me and honestly thats not what i really want.. i do and i dont.. a 30 year mortgage sounds horrible.. truly fucking horrible.. i dont want more stuff.. I want less stuff and more experiences.. sitting in an office all day is not living.. people laugh and say i spend more time at work then at home.. thats not a good thing that is messed up that we are made to believe thats normal.. so yeah.. still trying to figure out what it is i want to do..

over

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