#and i had and am still learning what true understanding caring and empathy are

[noperopesaredope]

I am a hardcore Collector apologist, and I will stand by them forever. I do believe that they aren’t truly malicious, they just don’t realize that what they’re doing is wrong. 

But I also kinda like it when fanfics portray them as both blissfully naive and straight up sadistic at the same time. It’s honestly one of the things that draws me to his character. Sure, I adore it when the Collector is just an easily manipulated little kid, but I also like seeing portrayals of them in which they describe how he will violently maim someone. I actually like seeing both portrayals at the exact same time.

One of the things that I like about the Collector is what I call “Terrifying Innocence.” The Collector is definitely a naive little kid and mentally quite innocent and impressionable, but here’s the thing about little kids: they can be really fucked up. Even the sweetest and most kindhearted children can be scary af.

Cognitive empathy is mostly a learned trait rather than an inherent one. Children do not come out of the womb with the knowledge that other beings have feelings and that their actions affect others, and this is clearly the case with the Collector. So they can commit different types of violence with no reaction, as they might not be aware that it is wrong. 

It’s like children who torture ants during recess. They are more fascinated by it than anything, and they don’t fully process how cruel they are actually being. When you don’t understand that other people experience pain, can’t properly empathize with it, or generally feel extremely removed from it, you become fascinated by it. It’s the same reason people like true crime or even slasher horror.

Honestly, as I said, I kinda like it when the Collector is shown to be weirdly playful upon seeing horrific things. It’s because he feels less like a sadistic ass like Belos, and more like someone who is really into slasher movies. Little kids are into violence a surprising amount. 

I have been told that I’m a very compassionate person (I don’t completely believe that I am, but a bizarre amount of people have told me this, so I guess it’s true), but as a kid, around the Collector’s age, I had multiple “disaster” phases

I had an obsession with the Titanic for a while, particularly the part where hundreds of people died. I had an even bigger obsession with Pompeii, and upon seeing a museum exhibit with some of the preserved bodies, I actually took a good few minutes imagining how each individual person died and what their last moments were like. Fucked up, I know, but it happened.

Children don’t typically go out of their way to hurt others once they realize that their actions can hurt others, but they will occasionally watch (from a distance). I imagine that the Collector is like this as well. Maybe they did watch Belos hurt the Grimwalkers and were still playful about it. 

I even brought up a small potential headcanon that they (slightly unintentionally) gave Belos ideas. Kinda like “what if you EXPLODED one of them? Ooh- ooh- or...you could THROW THEM IN LAVA!” Not an evil whisper-in-your-ear kinda way, more like asking a preschooler to describe what they think demons would do to people in hell or something. Kids get creative with it.

It wouldn’t be that he truly meant harm the way Belos did, they would do it because they found it interesting. They don’t understand other people’s pain, and therefore just experiment without realizing how bad their actions are. It’s interesting to me to read portrayals of the Collector where they are still show in a sympathetic light and he’s clearly just a little kid, but he also doesn’t really seem to care about others that much.

It’s realistic in a way that I like and captures the spirit of the messiness that is a child’s morality. They aren’t evil or completely sadistic, they just don’t see the severity of their actions and are mostly self-centered in terms of worldview.

So, in conclusion, we need more fics where the Collector is a blissfully innocent kid with a love for slasher films.

[toon-tales]

Hiya, guys! I'm back with another Meet The Robinsons fic because i don't see enough of those

Based on a few things:

That desperate "I am your friend"

And that "I never thought my dad...will be my best friend"

I tried to make this as in-character and sad as i could

That was long, sorry guys. Enjoy!

Lost connection

"You never learn, do you?" Franny said teasingly as she sat next to her son

"I was just trying to help..." Wilbur muttered, his voice filled with frustration

"He's just worried about you."

"More like worried about his precious inventions" Wilbur interrupted, his tone bitter. "All he cares about are his gadgets. He never shows any love towards me."

Franny sighed, her gaze softening as she placed a comforting hand on Wilbur's shoulder. "Oh, sweetheart, that isn't true," she replied gently. "Your father has a difficult time expressing his emotions, but that doesn't mean-" 

"I see the way he hugs you when he's back from a business trip…" Wilbur's voice trailed off as he struggled to find the right words,"He hugs me too..but there's always this distance."

Franny took a deep breath, gently reaching out to rub Wilbur's back. "Wilbur, your father loves you. He might not always show it the way you want him to, but deep down, he's always worried about you."

Wilbur slumped his shoulders and looked at the floor. "But why does he spend so much time on his inventions? It feels like he cares more about them than he does about me," he said, his voice barely above a whisper

The elder took a moment to gather her thoughts. She felt it too. The way Cornelius is always in his lab, inventing and brainstorming, becoming more distant everyday, especially from their son. "Your dad is a dreamer, Wilbur. He believes in creating a better future, not just for himself, but for everyone. His inventions are his way of making that happen."

"But what about the present?" Wilbur asked with a hint of sadness in his voice. "What about spending time with me right now?"

"He might not always show it, but he loves you. He believes that by creating this amazing future, he's giving you the best possible life."

Wilbur's eyes welled up with tears, "But I just want him to be here, in the present, with me."

Just as he muttered those words, his mom wrapped her arms around him in a tight embrace. She could feel his tears staining her dress, the way he tried to silence his sniffles and sobs, trying to be the man they always told him he was, but she didn't say anything, silently urging him to continue.

"Sometimes I wish he was still Lewis…" he sighed, "It's just... I miss the way things were during our adventure. I miss when he was my friend. Back then, it felt like we could do anything together. He was so curious, always inventing and exploring, just like me. But now, he's this super important person, the great inventor Cornelius Robinson."

His mother listened attentively, her heart aching for her son's longing. She gently placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to let it out.

"I know he loves me and all, but it feels like he's always busy now with all his inventions. And sometimes, I just wish we could go back to that adventure and be best buds," Wilbur admitted, a sense of disappointment evident in his voice.

Franny's expression softened as she understood the true depth of her son's words. She knew that although Lewis had become a great inventor, it was natural for Wilbur to long for the simplicity of their early days together.

"I understand, sweetheart," she replied, her tone filled with empathy. "Change can be tough, especially when it feels like someone we love is drifting away. But your dad's adventures and inventions aren't just about saving the future. They're also a way for him to create a better world for all of us, including you."

Wilbur looked up at Franny, his eyes reflecting a mixture of admiration and confusion. "But sometimes it feels like I'm not important to him anymore. Like he'd rather be off on another meeting than spending time with me."

"Honey, your dad loves you more than anything. But just like he was once Lewis, he's now Cornelius," she paused, letting her words sink in, "And being Cornelius means he has responsibilities and missions to fulfill. It's a big part of who he is."

Wilbur's brows furrowed. "So, I'm just supposed to accept that things have changed and that I can't have those carefree days with him anymore?"

His mother shook her head, leaning in closer. "No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that you should talk to him."

"But what if he doesn't understand? What if he thinks I'm being selfish?"

"Your dad loves you, Wilbur," she said softly, "He wants to make you happy."

Wilbur took a moment to process his mother's words. She was right. He didn't really try to talk to him, did he? With a deep breath, he nodded, "I'll give it a try tomorrow"

"That's my boy," Franny beamed at him, "Now, go to sleep, it's already late."

Franny kissed his forehead, proud that he talked to her. She knew it was hard for him to let out his feelings like this, afraid of sounding selfish or dramatic, but today he took a big step, and she was proud of him.

Franny walked out the room, with one final glance at her son. As she closed the door, she caught a glimpse of blond hair rushing out of sight, and smiled, knowing she wouldn't have to step in. She went to her room, not muttering a word from the previous conversation, eager to see what happens next.

–

"Five more minutes.." Wilbur mumbled to the person shaking him awake. He groggily opened his eyes to find his dad, a soft smile on his face

"Morning, son," Cornelius said cheerfully.

Startled, Wilbur bolted upright, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. His dad? In his room? After what he did yesterday? He was so dead.

"Morning, dad," Wilbur stammered, his heart pounding in his chest, "Am i in trouble?" 

Cornelius chuckled, ruffling his son's messy hair. "No, nothing of that. In fact, I decided to take a break today," he said, "How about we go to the beach?"

Wilbur's eyes widened, his confusion fading into sheer joy, "Really?!"

"Just you and me," Cornelius' smile widened, "Now get ready, we're leaving in an hour."

"I'll be there in a minute!"

"Okay then."

And with that, Cornelius closed the door behind him and waited for his son downstairs, knowing this is one decision he will never regret.

[darthstitch]

the end of the fairy tale

Let's talk about Nada.

So, for those who haven't read the comics, I'm going to say it now, even if the comics were already released 30-odd years ago, okay? SPOILERS. MAJOR SPOILERS. VERY LIKELY THE PLOT OF SANDMAN SEASON 2.

There.

The second thing I am going to say is this: THIS DOES NOT EXCUSE/EXONERATE DREAM OF THE ENDLESS FROM ANY OF HIS SHITTY ACTIONS. BECAUSE THEY WERE REALLY, REALLY HORRIBLE. HEINOUS. CRUEL. HE WAS A FUCKING IDIOT.

Look, I love the fucking idiot, okay? But yeah, the day I read that particular part in the comics was the day I absolutely wished I could reach into that world and shake him into sense. Like, DREAM, YOU MORON, YOU COME BACK HERE AND FIX THIS RIGHT THIS INSTANT GODDAMNIT. YOU FUCKING KNOW BETTER THAN THIS.

Thankfully, Death took care of that for me, in true Pinay Ate fashion.

Buckle up kids, here we go.

In the comics, Queen Nada was the first love interest that we see for Dream of the Endless. At least, the first that we knew of, since Endless Nights wasn't going to be written and published until years later.

It plays out like a classic myth, that tribal people tell each other, as part of a rite of passage for their youth. Queen Nada is the beautiful queen of a great and ancient city somewhere in Africa. She falls in love with a handsome and mysterious man. Despite multiple warnings and obstacles in her way, she goes on a quest to find Mr. Mystery and she eventually does find him.

It's worth noting that Dream here is again shown to be different from the usual pale, white, ghostly dude that we know. We're reminded that the Dream we see as a "default" is based on our perceptions. He appears as an eldritch godlike being, all flame and majesty to the Martian Manhunter.

To Nada, he is a beautiful young man of her own race but alas, when she finds him, she realizes that he's not a mortal. She recognizes him for what he is and is terrified, because to love an Endless is to court disaster. It's forbidden.

I won't recount the whole tale, but suffice it to say, that Dream eagerly pursues her once he's figured out that she's madly in love with him. She tries to run away but eventually she gives into Dream and they have this one incredible night of passion. But because she apparently broke this taboo, her kingdom is completely destroyed.

Dream tries to offer her the Queenship of the Dreaming, but obviously, that's not going to fly with Nada, who's absolutely broken that all of her innocent people had to pay the price for her foolish passions and love. She chooses to kill herself and while Dream still tries to persuade her to spend her afterlife with him, she refuses.

And that's why he sends her to hell. It takes about 10,000 years, but after Desire needles him (as usual) and Death points out (in a gentler fashion) that he'd behaved abominably, Dream decides to do the right thing and get her out of hell. It helps that he's just experienced imprisonment as well (we'd later learn that this has happened twice) and after some shenanigans, he does set her free.

Dream awkwardly attempts to apologize and he ends up getting rightfully smacked in the face, because, Dream, you moron, that's not how you say sorry. OMG.

DASURV.

This is one of the reasons why Tom Sturridge's Morpheus took me a little off guard. His apology to Lucienne and his closure with Calliope are leagues away from this, where he shows a lot more empathy, sensitivity and maturity. I'm looking forward to seeing how the show is going to handle that moment, since they've been doing such a great job of adapting and making changes to the source material while still staying true to the spirit of the entire saga.

But I digress. Dream does really make it right with Nada and she gets to reincarnate and live her new life, finally free of all the bullshit.

For a long time, I had wondered how Dream of the Endless could've been so cruel and petulant and capricious. I did understand that The Sandman wasn't a classic "hero" tale where the lead character would make the "right" choice every time. Dream does change and grow and develop for the better over the course of the series, which is why it's so heartbreaking to lose him in the end, just when it seems he's finally getting his shit together.

And then I read Endless Nights and I finally understood.

Poor Nada was basically Dream's rebound love from the disaster that was Killala of the Glow.

Killala was a trainwreck in the making. From the comics, it seemed like Dream had been the one who did the courting, dazzling and wooing her. She's into it, but she doesn't seem to understand Dream's real nature and it's fairly clear that she's attracted to Dream and very much charmed, but it's Dream who's fallen hard and fast for her.

It's also worth noting that the restriction against loving mortals was not yet in place. It's Killala who causes that restriction to happen. Given that she falls in love with the star of her own solar system, it's significant that the one who doles out punishment for Nada falling in love with Dream and consummating that love is our sun.

I honestly think that Killala and Dream would've still broken up, even without Desire's meddling, but it might have happened gradually, over time and Dream might have learned a far more different, gentler lesson in loving mortals. Instead, he gets faced with Killala openly betraying him and running off with Sto-Oa. Desire laughs in Dream's face about it and admits that they thought it was a fun joke.

And Dream does absolutely nothing, except to storm away.

Killala isn't punished, isn't condemned to hell, doesn't suffer some unspeakable fate. We're told that she was happy with her love, even though she does die, eventually, since she's mortal.

So it's no wonder that Dream had overreacted so badly with Nada. It was Nada who had initially pursued him. It was Nada who had gone through all these trials and tribulations to prove her love for him. She was the one who essentially did the courting and the wooing. To Dream, who was still feeling bruised and battered after getting rejected by Killala, it had to be a heady feeling, to be loved and wanted like that.

Was it any wonder that he absolutely would not let Nada go after this? That he would try to hold on to her, try to keep her by his side, damn the consequences?

It's also significant that the Dream Nada sees, essentially looks like a teenager of her own age - a clear sign that Dream himself isn't emotionally mature enough or had developed that conscientious streak that made him so endearing much later in his life. He was young (in Endless terms), he was hurting over his last love and his sibling's cruelty, and he just wanted, very much, to be loved and have his fairy tale happily ever after.

Again, this doesn't excuse his cruelty. But at least we can better understand where he's coming from and appreciate how much character growth he'd gone through, because he does, in the end, set things right with Nada the best way he possibly could. And while it's not a fairy tale ending, it's a satisfying one.

[celestialsyndicate]

Trigger Warning : RAMCOA Vent

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Sometimes I wish we hadn't known we were a system before the large parts of our trauma started surfacing. We felt as though we were healing and had made true and good progress to functional multiplicity. We still have all of the work that we had worked on and maybe it will be easier for us to heal because of that work we had done without the knowledge of the trauma. But the realizations of why you are who you are, why you are in the system you are, why you are here. Finding purpose has been something each of us has striven for and in that we've helped people, we're proud of that. But as we have found more and more ofour purposes within the system, we feel ourselves disintegrating in to sand. All we were melting away from us. This is true in any situation with DID. For us though, our closes friends have always known of us. We have been overt much of our lives, conciously hiding it from people we knew weren't safe. The covert for us was knowing we couldn't tell certain people or we would be in danger. But to be overt, to be who you are living who you are. We knew we had trauma and that we were here to help this life continue and to bring something to this world. We didn't know...this was the trauma that made you who you were. We could tell you this person was unsafe, though it came with internal fighting constantly. We could say we had childhood trauma. We couldn't give details there was only the child alter we heard screaming as we thought of any of it. That was always what stopped us thinking of it. But because we could say, I have trauma, we never thought to think any more of it. We knew we had nightmares we forgot when we woke. We knew we had a large black portion of our childhood up to age 8. But that's just trauma and we knew these people were bad so we don't need to think on it to heal.

A part of me is angry we had to realize. That it had to come up. We were healing, we were doing alright. It was slow and passive but because we weren't reliving the memories, because it was only body responses and shock, we were doing alright. And now it feels like we are drowning and losing all the footholds we had. I don't want to lose our progress. Our strength. We know the techniques to keep us grounding but the grounding feels like swallowing down the venom. I am here but where do I put this. I survived but where do I put this. I stay alive BUT WHERE DO I PUT THIS. Now what. I am out. Now what? I'm an adult. Now what? I have loving people in my life. Where do I put this? I am fucking ashes. Of who I was. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm afraid to be in my mind. I'm afraid to swallow the pain. Cry and I go numb. Cry and it's too much.

We were healing but it doesn't feel in truth.

We were healing without a therapist, but now we need one and that becomes harder.

We were healing but didn't need to know.

Even if we don't want to remember somehow the damn has broke.

I suppose in some ways I have truly learned lessons that help regardless. I know I do not have to be the monster I was made to be. I know that is not who I am. I do not have to be subservient, and I have taught my system much the same. We will not be lied to or coerced. We have pride in what we do and the love we give. We are able to be kind and compassionate to ourselves and others. We have been able to help headmates with low empathy to understand empathy and why to care for others, though they haven't experienced care. We have learned to love each other.

I am at least proud and grateful we have learned what we have before we needed the skills.

Our cup is overflowing.

I think our biggest issue is being unable to speak. We have been able to heal much else, but not our voice. There are those in system that were that for us but have been repetitively silenced. We can't journal when we do remember memories or nightmares. We can't tell others. We've begun to slowly, but it feels like pulling teeth. It is agonizing and it doesn't satisfy the weight of what we feel. It feels like dragging mountains through sand. Our mind is screaming not to remember and we feel helpless as we scream along with it to not bring the flood. But the earth has trembled and the tidal wave rises above our heads. We must ride it through.

Ride it through and survive.

I think the struggle with the remembering is that during the survival of the memory, we could dissociate, and in healing you are trying to find a means to remain present. The memory comes and you have to find your strength in it. In that moment I suppose we did as well....I think, we must learn, how to break. We have always stubbornly fought breaking. Perhaps it is partly why we dislike the descriptions of programmed systems, "Our system was not designed for us." Fuck you, we split to survive. We formed for OUR. Power. And god damn it we did. Not everyone does survive. We partitioned the hell out of those memories and we kept each other safe. Yes overtly where we could because that was our power. That is our power. We acknowledged our strength. Some felt no pain and carried us through that abuse. Some spoke loudly to those who tore us down. Screamed at those who sought us grey and gone. We FOUGHT. And we will. Yes, they knew we were a system. Yes they took this and abused us further, but my system was not theirs, it was our survival. We were a child. We had no choice to obey, we were victimized, but our system has never been theirs. Our power was never in their hands, or we'd be dead.

Maybe we're better off than we think.

-🍷♦️🖌 , et al.

[katyspersonal]

I am feeling so ill. My mental pain keeps translating into physical one, like something that keeps poisoning me from within, and it can last from very morning to very evening at times. I wish I stopped being reminded of the backstabbing, of how much that person has been lying to us, and how she threw away her empathy and common sense in an instant, as soon as she got enticed with the prospect to feel like a """victim""". When everything was explained and even forgiven prior.

For a Christian, she sure is a terrible one, and really should pray to her God for forgiveness. Because that's sin of vanity if I've seen one. Her sorry pro-lifer ass that can't even use they/them pronouns because it is "not correct in English" and has been following Mico herself before he deactivated must be satisfied with people around with whom she has to censor her true opinions, I suppose? She had all context, she had explanation and apology, she faked having accepted that apology too, lied about not really caring about the "drama", faked patience and lied about always welcoming me back - only to latch at the first chance to backstab me and my friends she got. And the way she conveniently ignored how I took my words back, too.. I don't know what is WRONG with people who think that when a person that has been stalked and harassed for a year lashes out upon feeling threatened - they've shown their """true face""". Nobody is more alien to normal human emotions and reactions than Americans. I guess for them you are either physically incapable of anger, fear and fucking up OR you are a vile dangerous monster.

But the real question - what did she want to ACCOMPLISH? She didn't really feel like a star and gain sympathy like a victim of the """horrible mistreatment""" that me lashing out when she defended my STALKER was - that I also TOOK BACK. From my knowledge, she kept herself anonymous. And of course instantly blocked me, because like a coward she could not answer for her lies. She also lost other friends too - one HATES liars and hypocrites more than anything, another has similar emotional problems to mine so no longer feels safe, third straight up was harassed by that person as well.. "They are still lovely people" she says. And I am not a "lovely" person, of course. Because "lovely" people just smile and shrug off being stalked, harassed and talked untrue shit about for a year, I suppose? Because "lovely" people don't become clingy for someone defending them so loud and proud?

My only theory is that she just secretly harbored hatred towards me all along but was forcing the facade of patience and understanding, until one day finally came what looked like a good justification to drop it. But then why sending me all that emotional support when I fell for suicidal road back in spring? Why write at least two essays to Alfred-chan about her right to interact with me and about how I deserved kindness and compassion? Why acting flattered when I said I loved her (platonically) when in reality she was creeped out? Why bothering to explain me how she did not blame me and always would welcome me back in the blog? Following me for a decent time and all that interacting. Was feeling like a poor victim that fell under attack of the "monster" for like 5 minutes without even revealing her name to the world and losing more likeminded people worth it? Was it worth it? How? How mad you should be at someone for getting attached more than """acceptable""" and for lashing out before learning why you'd defend someone that harassed us, that you'd resort to backstabbing and break all your prior promises? She even told me stuff like "ratting someone out is very condemned in my culture and I'd never do that". Then what DID she do, when she showed the moment of weakness I had 40 days ago, to a deranged ableist that has been condoning harassment and canceling for hell knows how long and she could tell wished me harm?

I want to ask whether it was worth it, but clearly she didn't lose anything of value. One of those "but internet connections are not REAL uwu" people.

I so badly want to say that this is my fault for trusting someone who is not only American but also a Christian, double combination of hypocrite and all you know. Because I just want to find a reason. I want to know WHY, even if the answer is something as shallow as nationality and religion. But this is just not fair to people who are one or both of these things but have common sense to not lie and not be cut throats. I guess the real reason is that some people are just too easily enticed with the chance to feel like the "good" guys, to mark category of people that do not deserve any empathy, human bonds and understanding because they are "evil and dangerous". It is just easier. You feel justified to mistreat a certain category of people because they are "bad" - all while the criteria for why they're "bad" is growing progressively absurd. But this coming from a person that preached kindness and acceptance. Yet she sided with the people that punish me FOR having shown that kindness and acceptance to someone else, and never intend to stop. Why following Mico yourself, then?

I have no skill of forgiving people that do not feel remorse, I am not that kind of a person. It just hurts until I forget or find another thing to worry about. I don't know where to turn to, what superior power to pray to for faster healing from this, because betrayal like this is the worst thing you can do to me. It is fine to refuse to forgive someone's mental breakdown, but why not tell me off in private? Why run under the skirt of the person with bad faith that only supports neurodivergence in the form of being quirky about one's special interests and not for what problems it really brings? Does she really think it is victim's fault when they develop bad trust and abandonment issues upon a creepy stalker trying to ruin their life? The cunt would've doxxed me if they could only over the fact that I said I was gonna reblog from who I want - again, something she herself kept getting harassed over. So was that okay, then? She never meant her words, then, and only flexed her "I interact with who I want" for weird flex of herself as a hero, and not for our friends group?

Well, yes. It has to be that. Until she saw an opportunity to switch sides and find a more compelling "enemy" to stand against. The final punch in the gut is that she assumes my friends are okay with the betrayal either, just goes around as though nothing happened, as though having betrayed someone and still writing them down as vile and unremorceful even after they apologised to her two times was nothing. Yeah, why? If a person failed to meet her personal mark of forgiving, tolerating and shrugging off harassment - then they deserve to be backstabbing and thrown to those cultish ableists. That's her logic.

And I just want to vent all this in a sorry effort to remind myself: "See, she is so petty and callous that she doesn't deserve crying and hurting over! People like that are below you, Kat, just forget it and move on!" But in the end, I just can't stop asking myself why. She did not feel like that type of a person. My other mutual also said it was not expected, since she had that 'wise', thoughtful exterior all along and acted as though she was trustworthy. At this rate I was right in my accusation of her being brainwashed, I guess... The only thing I was wrong is the TIME when it happens.

[foggyparadisecandy]

On Making a List for Living

As I've been moving ahead, cleaning up my shit inside my head, I made a list of things that fill me with joy and happiness.

Mostly to keep me busy and moving forward AND to help me improve my self-image.

NGL, at first, it was a struggle to start doing them. I was just so lost and depressed, living in the void that was left behind from my ex, yes, but also, the deeper void left behind by my parents dysfunctional shit they put inside my head.

But ... I made my list. I set my goals.

And each day, it gets easier and easier. And I'm honestly starting to feel better about myself - my present self and my wounded child.

The other day, I posted a one month summary of my progress and ... yeah ... I was surprised to see that I'm honestly crushing it. I felt like I was still moving in quicksand.

Maybe I set my goals too low? lol

Also true: I have to work it aggressively still.

I will catch myself being mean-spirited towards myself. I pause and course-correct when I do. Learning to be kind to yourself is ... surpisingly hard for many of us.

And I struggle with over-stepping boundaries. Boy is this a problem for me.

I've spent my life getting outside validation. So I have a burning desire to offer advice and help and guidance but ... I'm doing my best to correct this too.

It's grueling. I fall into agony trying to figure out ... is this kind? is it welcome? is it useful? is it necessary? Usually the answers are: maybe, not unless asked for, maybe, no.

With my ex in particular, it's so hard. Because ... I legitimately am impressed by her and can see her own growth. I believe in her more now than I ever did. She's going to be fine - I know that.

But *sad lol* ... I have this desire to nurture her and care for her. And give her advice and express concerns if I see them.

It's so ... frustrating. But I'm doing my best to learn about boundaries, set them for myself, and respect others. I ... want her to know how much I care for her and am there for her ... but I don't want to fall into unhealthy habits or make her think I feel I am there to "fix" her.

I struggle with "how do I show someone I care for them and accept them?" My go to method is "helping" them. But unsolicited helping and accepting are two completely different directions.

So ... what's the fucking answer? Ugh. It would be nice to know how "normal" people think. I guess the answer is ... just showing up. Showing that I'm interested. Showing that I appreciate her for who she is. I accept her. I understand her.

And ... honestly ... I do understand her a hell of a lot better these days than before. I have ... deeper empathy for her and her own struggles as I've learned to look inwards at my struggles.

I can see the progress she has made. She is inspiring in so many ways. Makes me want to fix my own shit even faster lol.

None of it is easy. But it's getting easier.

So yes ... I encourage anyone who is looking to become more secure and self-confident, happy with themselves, to make a list, work the list, check in with yourself and assess progress, and give it time.

The anxiety in my mind is slowly quieting and I'm feeling better about my life and who I am. I find I no longer need the external validation as much.

The odd thing is ... now that I'm feeling better about myself, I also feel like I see others in a more realistic, full light.

It's so ... bizarre to say it but ... I like her better these days than I did before. I feel like I was objectifying her before. Yes ... I knew she was a living breathing person but ... I had her on a pedestal. It wasn't realistic or healthy for either of us.

So it's funny to recognize that my "like" for her has grown while my insane love has diminished.

And my "like" for my friends is also growing. I'm seeing the world in new lights.

I have a good friend on Discord who has been out of touch. It makes my anxious mind go brrrrrrrrr even though she said she was going to be super busy. I heard her ... but ... my anxiety kicks in and plagues me with so much nonsense and doubts and feelings of "I'm a fuck up."

Obviously I am still a work in progress. I take deep breaths, I walk through my Pride Journal to build self-confidence, I remember that people can and will speak up when they are ready, and other people's choices are not in my control.

I am me regardless of whether or not other people accept or reject me.

It's probably so obvious to most of you.

It's a silly thing to have to say ... even sillier to have to learn that you lived a life without understanding that basic concept.

Oh well. Learning and growing. Fast as I can.

[aspd-culture]

Hey, so I wanted to ask a question about your recent post regarding autistic sense of justice vs empathy. Would you mind elaborating a bit more on that and how you are able to distinguish the two? As an autistic person, I’ve been looking into ASPD/cluster-b lately after realising my affective empathy is probably a lot lower than I thought. But I’ve been wrestling with the fact that I’ve always had a strong sense of justice and have been considered relatively “compassionate”, if you will. So seeing that post was a real surprise and I’d love to learn more. Hope this makes sense.

Yeah, no problem. Heads up that I am quite new to being diagnosed with autism, so this can only be as accurate as my knowledge of ASPD and recent discoveries.

So since defining sense of justice here is kind of tricky, I’ll define empathy first and use that to compare to sense of justice.

There are two types of empathy: cognitive and affective empathy. When people use the word "empathy", usually they are referring to affective empathy. Affective empathy is being able to feel the emotions of other people, almost as if they are your own. This is how people with typical empathy pick up on the emotions of those around them without trying to do so or even thinking about it. Cognitive empathy is the ability to intentionally “put yourself in someone's shoes" to figure out what they might be feeling based on what you would be feeling in that situation. Many pwASPD still have cognitive empathy, and it plays a major role in that sense of justice - more than affective empathy would.

What I mean by that is that the sense of justice in autistic people does not require affective empathy at all. That sense of justice is basically a really intense reaction to people, whether it is the autistic person or someone else, being wronged or harmed unfairly.

As toddlers, typical kids begin to develop an instinct for what is and is not fair, and this tends to be extremely strong and cause problems for their caregivers because this sense of what is and is not fair does not really base itself in any societal rules because they haven’t learned those rules yet. Because of that, they tend to get upset as to why certain people make rules for others, why some people can do things others can’t, etc. It isn’t a cognitive thing where they consider why it is or isn’t fair, they just feel in their heart that it isn’t, and it leads to necessary conversations with kids about equity bs equality and such like that. As they learn social rules, and get the idea drilled in them that “life isn’t fair”, children lose most of this intense sense of fair/just and it is replaced with knowledge of how society functions and what is considered just in terms of that society.

In autistic people, though, that understanding of society may not be as complete as it is in neurotypical people. Therefore, many pieces of that original instinct of fair vs unfair stick around. Also, autistic people tend to not place as high a value on arbitrary social norms, so even the ones they do understand do not have as high a value as the instinct to want things to be fair. While the more inexperienced bits like not understanding equity vs equality don’t stick, they still may not understand or care why, for example, someone who went to college is treated as smarter than someone who didn’t, even if the person who didn’t proves themselves to be smarter. This type of thing tends to be upsetting to autistic people who experience a strong sense of justice, such as myself, while it doesn’t affect neurotypical people.

However, that doesn’t mean I understand how it makes the non-college attending person feel, I just know that it is not fair and thus wrong to act that way. Likewise, I may not understand how minorities I’m not a part of feel when they are left out of conversations they should be a part of, but I know instinctually that it’s wrong and I don’t like it.

Sense of justice is also much less nuanced than true empathy. So for example, because I struggle with empathy but have a strong sense of justice, I am personally (this is just speaking for myself, not everyone with this combo!) predisposed to believing in harsher punishments for criminals, for example, because I see it simply as “they knew they were doing something harmful and did it anyway, why should I care if they don’t like the consequence?”. Someone with stronger empathy would feel for both parties in the circumstance, whilst my sense of justice only cares about the one being “wronged”, rather than both people.

I hope this explained it ok? If you have any follow up questions feel free to let me know. In short I guess it would be sense of justice is caring about the situation more than the people vs empathy being caring about the emotions of the people more than the situation.

[kinghijinx22]

The Owl House Watching and Dreaming review/analysis part 2

Part 2 The Collector's Origins, Amity and Raine breaking free

While I'm still don't really like the Collector a lot as a character and I think that a lot of people are way too forgiving of them considering how much damaged he caused, I do think the way this episode handles the obvious direction they were taking their character to be really well executed. They work well as the chaotic but ultimately forgivable antagonist compared to Belos's calculated pure evil and I think they play a good role in this episode. Him being a younger god like being who is incapable of understanding death and the harm that they cause on other's is really interesting and plays into a major plot point later on in a powerful way.

I think now is a good moment to mention that I really appreciate how this episode really focuses on the other biggest emotional core of this series which is the adopted Owl family. The found family dynamic between the human Luz, Eda and King has always been really strong and is where the everything started. Three outcasts who didn't fit in because of their differences were able to come together and not fit in together, becoming a found family and showing that the people that matter most are those who love and accept you for who you are. And I love that after they break free from their nightmares and surviving the Collector's games, the Owl family and especially Luz are able to use their immense empathy to relate their own experiences to the Collector's experiences. It's here that we get a proper explanation of the Collector's origins of originally being from a family of Collectors, and that their older siblings are known as the Archivists. According to the Collector, the Archivists had sent them down to the Boiling Isles to get him out of their business and while they were actually able to make friends with the baby Titans, the Archivists were not happy after discovering the Titans themselves and the fact that their powers can cancel out their own. Because they saw the Titans as a threat, they wiped them out but not before King's dad had hid King away and sealed away the Collector, believing them to be the main threat. The whole thing was clearly very messy with some misunderstandings, but what we learn for certain is that the Archivists are the true villains of this situation.

Raine playing a big role in this finale was pretty cool. They've been such a great character throughout the series and are some of best nonbinary representation in any story with how well they've been written. They finally get to start breaking free from Belos's control while Belos was on his way to the Titan's heart and while it was always obvious, it was pretty cool to see even Belos recognising their strength. They tried their hardest, even making one last desperate attempt by banging the violin on ground but was just unlucky and Belos was able to slip through a small hole in the magic barrier.

Speaking of strong witches, Amity being strong enough to regain her autonomy enough to draw the light glyph while she was a puppet was an awesome moment and what makes this moment even more special is that I think this is the first time she has drawn a glyph successfully. And just like it was Luz's love for Amity that allowed her to break free from her nightmare, I like to think that it was Amity's love for Luz that gave her the strength to draw the glyph. She uses what her girlfriend had taught her to help her break herself and her friends free from being Collector puppets. Amity, Willow, Gus and Hunter end up having to save everybody who was turned into puppets and being kept in the archives. I suppose it's now that I'll mention Hunter because I won't otherwise because I still really don't care about him and I never will but I am so happy that they kept him out of the big final battle. As perfect as most of this show is and with how important it has been for it's representation, my one problem is the fact that they decided to introduce this generic cishet white edgeboy and suddenly started pushing him as one of the most important characters to the detriment of the much more interesting queer and poc main characters and sometimes even Luz, the character who is supposed to be the main character. I'm just so relieved that they knew to stop pushing Hunter so hard as a white saviour and to actually let their queer afro Latina protagonist get to be the hero in the end.

So the Owl family is able to relate to the Collector, but to really connect with him Luz decided to take them the places where she was able to connect with other people while sharing her stories. The first place being the Owl House itself, or "the bird house" as the Collector calls it. It's where she properly got to know her now found family of Eda the Witch, King the Titan, Owlbert the Palisman and Hooty the Door. The weirdos that came together and accepted each other when they needed it, just like they were doing with the Collector. The next place they go is the Grudby court which also feels like it could be a stand in for Hexside in general because it represents Luz finding her friends and the love of her life. Where she met other outcasts Willow and Gus and they became close friends, and also where she met and was able to break down the rough exterior of former bully but now loving girlfriend Amity Blight.

The final place they go to is the Knee, the Titan's knee where Eda had taught Luz how to connect with the Boiling Isles or rather the Titan itself, where she was able to learn the Ice glyph with the help of the Titan is great foreshadowing for when we get to meet the Titan in person. The Collector themself even mentions in this moment that he's jealous that the Titan had showed Luz the glyphs and not them. Even though you could have made the assumption, this is our confirmation that the Titan really has been helping Luz to find the glyphs this whole time. The way this comes up, and the way this episode is able to brilliantly wrap up all these mysteries and plot points was very satisfying. This show has always been great at bringing back small plot details and paying them off in a big way. After hearing about all of Luz's adventures and about all the family and friends she's made along the way, the Collector makes the assumption that she must have somehow forced people like her own girlfriend Amity and her cool aunt Lilith who had started off as adversaries into liking her. But as is explained by Luz, people are complicated and sometimes they just need some kindness and forgiveness. There is more to people then what we see on the surface, and sometimes if you are able to see past someone's hard exterior you can reach the kind person on the inside and maybe even bring them to the surface. Throughout the series Luz with her kindness and sincerity has been able to do this for a lot of people, and now she's showing this kindness and sincerity to the Collector.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[outoftheforestshow]

AI and CHAT GPT thoughts and evolution of humanity

More of my thoughts about AI.

I have actually questioned the fight for $15 movement, which aims to raise the wages of fast food jobs like McDonald's to $15 an hour. I believe many of these jobs are already close to that in many ways.

While I have had major reservations about technology and relying on it, especially considering the potential threat of an EMP wiping us out, I also understand that comprehending this technology is crucial.

I used to be afraid of AI because we have all been conditioned to fear it. However, I now realize that we need to understand it, learn how to use it, and teach our kids to do the same. Additionally, we need to establish a moral foundation based on a universal/karmic understanding, so humans become more ethical (not necessarily strictly religious morals, but simply knowing right from wrong).

The danger with AI lies not in AI itself, but in what humans may do with it. We have the potential to create a great world that could ironically provide us with more leisure time, allowing us to care for nature and be more efficient. People fear humans becoming idle, but that would only be a problem if we succumb to massive greed and ignorance.

I fought against taking Ritalin for a long time because I didn't want to rely on pharmaceutical drugs (I consider antidepressants to be negative). However, life became too challenging, and I couldn't manage without it anymore.

Even now, at the age of 55, I am still struggling. I should learn how to code. I have always emphasized the importance of acquiring skills, being informed, and cultivating intelligence. I wish I had learned how to preserve food, grow my own crops, and make my own clothes, so I could be self-reliant. But now, I find myself in a state of limbo because the previous generation deemed all that worthless, and that is concerning. It is one reason why I often fear the future, but I also see its potential.

If we learn about AI, we must instill curiosity, creativity, and self-reliance in our children. AI should be viewed as just another tool in the toolbox, not the ultimate solution. Does that make sense?

Thinking that AI will write your law exams or medical papers is foolish. We will need to evolve our methods of assessing knowledge, and that is achievable. AI can be used for basic editing and even teach better grammar and spelling. In fact, AI could be employed to teach anything.

However, this could lead to a loss of teachers, which is not desirable. That's why we need to actively participate in raising children with a love for learning and teach others how to instill that same passion. This is the weak link in AI, and I fear we will fail. I believe we are going to surrender all our power to AI, and that is not the intended purpose. AI should only be used for more menial and routine tasks, while we focus on advanced tasks that would take us a year to accomplish but only an hour for AI. This could free up a significant amount of time in our lives. But as long as money and greed are in the picture, or if we allow fundamentalist Christian nationalists with a puritanical worldview to control, we are in trouble. We must quickly embrace AI and figure out how to navigate this situation because it's not going away.

I think the key word is "adaptation." Furthermore, understanding the principles of universal natural law and karmic law is crucial. I know I keep repeating this, but it's true. It's not about solipsism or relative "morality" (a term I dislike due to its cooption by religion, implying that morality can only be found within their dogmatic beliefs). Instead, it's about understanding basic principles of right and wrong morality: kindness, empathy, compassion, self-defense, and avoiding harm. If we don't have these as the foundation of our civilization, we are doomed.

AI is dangerous and should not be taken lightly or seen as a mere novelty. It is a serious matter, and we need to quickly catch up and educate ourselves. Unfortunately, I fear that we won't.

The current powers that be have a strong hold on our civilization. There are too many individuals who see AI as a means to advance their own agendas and accumulate power, rather than helping humanity as a whole. This is the core problem. Apathy, greed, and ignorance are widespread in our society. Fear is another significant factor driving these issues. Fear drives greed, hate, and ignorance. We must overcome fear!

I can see the astounding possibilities for AI in our civilization, but we must proceed with caution and deliberation. However, I am concerned because many individuals lack control over their anger and exhibit road rage. Additionally, our government's nonchalant attitude towards guns troubles me (although I lean towards anarchy and believe that it is critical for us to become sovereign human beings who understand universal law, so we don't surrender control of our lives to government, religion, corporate elites, oligarchy, or corporatocracies). The right often surrenders their power to fundamentalist religions, while the left, particularly as of late, hands their power over to government "authority" figures.

Also, keep in mind that humans should still develop and can develop original ideas.

I often struggle with stream-of-consciousness writing (which isn't inherently bad) as my morning pages tend to be like this. Even NANOWRIMO advises to forget about editing while doing NANOWRIMO; editing can come later. The primary focus is to get your ideas down on paper, and this is where AI can play a role.

While I still believe it is crucial to teach kids grammar, writing skills, and how to structure cohesive arguments (including spelling), AI can handle much of the tedious editing work. Will this put editors out of jobs? It's possible, but before handing things over to editors, don't we perform basic spell checks and grammar checks ourselves? Yes, tools like Grammarly provide basic AI assistance.

I find typing to be a challenge at times. Although I know how to type, some days it becomes difficult. Is typing important? Yes. Is it essential to know how to write and even use cursive? I argue yes! However, is typing flawlessly at a speed of 500 words per minute a critical skill? No, because we can always edit our work.

It's worth noting that even when using AI, it's essential to read what it writes. AI can make mistakes, take things out of context, and more. So, being specific with AI systems and reviewing our work is crucial. It's something I'm learning myself, making it more of a collaborative process.

Survival Strategies in the Era of AI Taught by Stanford | Stanford AIRE Director https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA9K0JMrbWg&ab_channel=EO

[primalmotherhood]

Every generation has new lingo.

Slang words, words that use to mean other things but now take on whole new definitions, like "sick" or "dope".

Those words and many others have had multiple different meanings over the years.

The year changes and so do the definitions of many of our words.

Today has me thinking about another word that has evolved over the years, maybe less noticeably than others, but evolved still, "friend".

We, just in the English language alone, have a plethora of different slang & specifications for this one word.

Best friend, bestie, bff, buddy, homie, mate, ace, dawg...and a million more of the like.

My question is, has the word "friend" lost all substance in the evolution process?

Do we even know what that word use to mean?

What that arrangement of letters meant before the millions of new iterations?

What is a "friend"?

While pondering this question I was led to look up the literal definition of the word.

Friend

Noun

A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Now, upon reading the dictionary definition, my brain began to take an entirely different route.

Was I just taught differently as a child?

Or is it something soul deep in children, loyalty?

Did someone teach me or show me how to be unwavering in my friendship and lead me to believe that its the only way to be a "friend"?

Or did it come naturally to me in a way that it just doesn't to everyone?

To me, a 'friend' is to be much more than just someone you have a "bond of mutual affection" with...

Maybe its not about what a friend IS but about what a friend DOES?

I know I was taught about friendship, relationships etc by my mother.

She taught me most of the lessons in my early years about ethics, morality and how to conduct myself with dignity.

For this & for her I am grateful.

However,I do feel as though my loyalty and beliefs surrounding loyalty come from long before this lifetime.

They feel deeper, not like something I learned on earth.

As if its in my genetic code, hardwired into my DNA.

It is something I just do because that's whats done.

Feels as natural as breathing.

The kind of friend I am is not something I am, its WHO I am.

The kind of friend I am is a direct reflection of the kind of person I am.

I didn't hold on to many of the things I was taught as a young girl in a Pentecostal church.

Somethings just stuck though.

"Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you."

That one that stuck.

It always rang true for me as a child.

It seemed so obvious to my innocent mind, of course you would only treat someone how you would like to be treated because obviously you do not deserve to be treated better than anyone else.

As an adult though, I began to see that it often came with an extra layer, "Treat others how you would want to be treated in their situation".

Or rather, always be kind as you do not know what its like to walk in another's shoes.

Having the chance to wear so many different pairs of shoes myself in my late teens and early twenties, I gained a substantial amount of insight and perspective on how anyone can end up anywhere.

This new insight and change in perspective, brought with it an even deeper connection to the philosophy that everyone should be treated with kindness.

I believe when you live your life by this, that everyone, stranger and 'friend' alike deserves kindness and understanding, it sets the bar a little higher for how you treat people closer to you than said stranger.

If I live my life in a way that I extend care, kindness, empathy and compassion to all strangers on the street then imagine how I treat the people closest to me.

These are merely the expectations and standards I hold for myself.

The other side of that sword are the standards and expectations I hold for my so called "friends".

I expect kindness & respect from strangers on the street, therefore I have much higher standards for the ones I choose to call "friends".

Not to mention I am a very private person who doesn't care much for social interaction with the majority of the planet.

So my "circle" aka my "circle of friends" is practically nonexistent.

Selective is not a word I used much and surely not a word I have ever used to describe myself, until recently.

Selective to me was a substitute for "picky" and "picky" carried so much negative connotation with it that I would have never used it to describe myself.

But Ive realized through much soul searching that I am indeed "picky" or "selective" & proud of it.

I am not "picky" in the way the word was used all around me as a child.

I am not "picky" in the way of being a "picky eater" & therefore considered a difficult child.

Nor am I "picky" in the way of being a "spoiled brat" or "ungrateful" because I always want something other than what I have or that I can never be pleased.

No. Not those kinds of "picky" or the kinder, softer, more digestible word, "selective".

Nevertheless, when it comes to my inner circle, the company I keep, my 'chosen family', my "FRIENDS", selective would be an understatement.

I wrestle with this.

My "higher than most" standards and expectations of my "friends".

Or rather the thought that it may, in some way, come off as, or even worse, actually be unwarranted and dare I say, pompous or entitled.

But, hear me out, all I am really asking for is reciprocation.

And THAT is not pompous nor entitled.

I am simply asking for the same effort and energy, from the people that I so generously and joyfully pour into.

Also are the arguments that you should accept people as they are, but also hold your friends accountable all while not expecting too much or looking for yourself in others...

Why not?

Why cant I look for myself in others?

Why cant I expect reciprocation of the love, loyalty and dedication I so freely give to the chosen few I call my "friends"?

Do I know that I am built different?

Yes.

Do I therefore realize there are not a lot of people out there that think like me?

Yes.

I also understand that these two facts in combination with geographic location, demographic and a mass amount of other factors makes my selectivity seem even more detrimental to ever making any new friends again?

Abso-fuckin-lutely.

But I refuse to sell myself short any longer in the name of humility.

So what Ive realized as I typed this piece, using none of the words I had originally intended, is :

Standards don't make you an asshole, not being willing to give what you expect does.

And its totally okay to look for yourself in others, there is nothing wrong with wanting or even expecting and refusing to settle for anything less than reciprocity.

[ruminate88]

I’ve had no control in life over anything. I had to watch many painful things. Watched my grandma die for a year. She basically sat in her rocking chair and stared out the window so tired of life 😣 I get it now. Had to watch a friend who was like a father to me, die with cancer. I’ve basically watched a lot of people I love die.

Not only that, watched my ex cody ghost me. Watched him completely disappear out of my life and show me zero care for completely destroying my life. I loved him so much he can’t possibly comprehend it. THEN I met Andrew and told him I was ghosted but never realizing Andrew is also emotionally unavailable and can’t feel true empathy for what I’ve been through. I watched Andrew cheat on me, then try to blame me and when I broke up with him, watched him become stone cold with no trace of emotions or feelings towards me. I might as well broken up with a statue. (Would’ve gotten the same response)

I could not control my heart getting broken like that. I could not control the course of my life or the path I was on. I was walking through hell with Andrew and there wasn’t a thing I could to make it any better or less painful. I had to endure the pain.

when I got married it was directly after blocking Andrew’s number, my niece who was supposed to be in my wedding AND SING, was arrested at school for something that wasn’t even her fault and was sent to juvie for 10 days!!! She had to miss my wedding!!! 😣😭😭😭 I had to fake a smile at my wedding when she wasn’t there to sing. I tried to enjoy my honeymoon but I knew my niece was paying a price for something someone else did. It hurt me. I was also sad over my ex Andrew and the way I had to block his number and never resolved the relationship or my feelings. There was so much confusion (it all makes sense now) I cried A LOT on my honeymoon and my husband I know was frustrated with me. I too was frustrated with me 🥺💔

I tried to connect with my husband and I have gave it everything I have. I’ve had to watch my husband say to me I’ve pulled away and he doesn’t understand…. It hurt me and I couldn’t explain it at that moment or express what was wrong with me. I’m still not comfortable to confront him with my feelings. I just told him, “The past haunts me.” And he never asked anymore questions after.

I fell last Christmas off a ladder and still have deep bruises on my legs that are just now starting to get better. Then in February there was a terrible traumatic death in my husband’s family that I can’t talk about but it was very very traumatic and painful. 😣 it’s all my mom in law wants to talk about and I’ve continued to be on an emotional roller coaster! No wonder my nervous system doesn’t truly ever relax or the acne doesn’t go away.

Now I know more than I did even a year ago. I am still learning though. I’ve endured many hard things that I have no control over!!! I have no control in this healing journey. I’ve had to throw my hands up and surrender to the process 100% and it sucks but I know the lessons I’m getting are going to be worth it ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 I believe life takes you where you’re supposed to go and you are have a purpose.

[thecpdiary]

Imagine Your Life

Imagine being born with something you don’t know you have. The muscle tone on one side of your body is under-developed and you are stared at because you walk with a limp. You have a foot that doesn’t look the same as the other foot, that you much later learn is a ‘drop foot.’ You have one leg shorter than the other and as a result you walk toe heel, not heal toe. And your arm is weaker on that same side.

Heel raise

Imagine being under the care of a paediatrician, and as a result of your leg length difference, you’re told that you have to have a heel raise on your shoe to accommodate the leg length difference and you have no understanding why, because nothing is said; but you only know what you can see and you don’t understand.

School

Imagine also, then as a child attending school and 'not getting school,' and while children don’t always get school initially and they may peak at different times to their siblings and classmates, through maturity, they begin to understand school and as a result they actively take part and then excel with all the support mechanisms in place. That didn't happen for me.

Cerebral Palsy and Autism

Imagine the trauma and stress you go through just to survive and you later learn the reason why; later learning in your forties you have cerebral palsy and then 10 years later, you find out through further testing that you in fact grew up with a mental and emotional disability in the form of autism and that is the reason you failed in school and everyone at the time thought you were stupid, because your poor grades matched your capabilities; and everyone put that down to you just being incapable, not incapable because you deal with something like a mental disability. Yes, imagine.

Living ‘a lie’

Imagine also, you find out you had been diagnosed with a disability at the age of 2 and the life you’ve lived is a lie and the lie continues, and you then uncover and discover the truth yourself. Fast-forward and then fast-forward again, you uncover all the facts; the truth and you’re left with a jigsaw that finally has all the pieces, but it has left you emotionally drained and reeling at the same time and you still have no support. Yes, imagine. My whole life has been and continues to be a lie; none of my own doing or making.

All of this could have been avoided

Imagine also, that much of your stress attributable to ‘not knowing’ could have been avoided, and with the emotional and mental support in place throughout, you could have functioned in what would be normal for you.

That didn’t happen, all of this is true; and fast forward to now. It’s not surprising then, I’m still struggling to comprehend what’s happened and I’m still here with the mess. I don’t blame the universe, it wasn’t in a position to help me, but it has catapulted me into being able to write; so that I don’t have to live my life in the dark anymore.

My writing softens the blow

My writing softens the blow, but it doesn’t take away my pain; the pain that I’ve had to endure. My physical, physiological, mental and emotional struggles through my disability aren’t always evident in daily life; enough for others to see, for them to give me the sympathy; the empathy, tolerance, patience or compassion. It’s not like a broken leg.

Losing my twin

And although losing my twin is not the same as what I was made to live through; it is all traumatic. I have no idea how I’ve managed to mentally keep everything together. Now I have no idea how the other half of my life is going to shape up without my twin. I have had nothing and I am still working everything out for myself.

My writing serves as a coping mechanism

My writing serves as a coping mechanism and a means of expression. Through my words, not only validate my own experiences but also offer insight and solidarity to those who may be facing similar struggles.

My writing keeps things real

My writing keeps things real. I’m honest, open and transparent if nothing else; as I continue to bring truth and meaning to my words; not just for me. Through 14 years of writing, my topics are varied. My words and writing is universal, everyone can if they want to place my words, and it fit into their life, with what they deal with.

I am happy to share my journey

I am happy to share my journey and writing with others. I hope my words have the power to inspire and uplift, serving as a reminder that even in the face of adversity, there is strength in vulnerability and beauty in resilience.

If there is something out there that’s affecting ‘my mental health’ you’ll find me writing about it on my blog. My writing keeps my thoughts alive. I hope you will continue to read.

If you like my blog, The CP Diary is a place where I get to write more blogs, to explore topics that help us to live better lives. Every day I put out a different blog with simple, practical tips to help with physical and mental wellness.

To receive my daily blogs straight to your in-box you can also sign up on my website: https://www.thecpdiary.com

[realthoughtsrawemotions]

5 things I would tell myself when I first started personal training

Be ok with the idea of not knowing everything

It can be intimidating to be the guy or girl who is expected to help change others lives even though we ourselves may not have absolutely everything together. It is true that our clients put a tremendous amount of faith in us and highly respect our opinions. As flattering as that is, it can be truly refreshing for your client to know that along your fitness journey you went through similar trials and even to this day are still trying to figure out the best ways to reach your own goals. A vulnerable trainer is an empathetic trainer, and as many of us may have learned in our studies of becoming a personal trainer, empathy is one the single most powerful qualities a personal trainer can hold. If a client asks you a question, don’t pretend you know the answer and double down on that improper technique. Perhaps make a modification for that day and say “I don’t know the answer right now, but I am going to look into this for the both of us”.

It may seem cool to be the lone wolf in the gym but you are making life 1000 times more difficult when you shut other trainers/ members out.

It’s interesting that at some point in our life we’ll preach about how important a sense of community is in a gym environment. Yet, when it comes to fitness professionals, it’s so common to see us tear each other down and find faults in one another. We tend to think in terms of scarcity, as though another trainer succeeding will somehow make our success more difficult. What’s often forgotten, is that 2 minds working together can help get you to your goals 2 times as fast. Increase that number and you would be surprised at how fast things can turn around. However, if you have an unhealthy level of competition among your peers and coworkers, you may end up bringing them down but you’ll be brought down in the process which was never your intention to begin with. Once you come to the understanding that people in that environment are likely there with the same positive intentions and goals as you have, it becomes much easier to see them as friends rather then rivals.

The energy in your voice and your interactions matter and don’t go unnoticed

If you had nothing but your positive attitude and intention to help others, you would still be miles above those who have the knowledge but don’t carry the intention to care. Now ofcourse as trainers and fitness professionals, we are fortunate enough to have the knowledge and experience to back this up, but I know when I started training people I used to see how experienced others trainer were and think that in comparison I had absolutely nothing to offer. It’s a common feeling among trainers known as ‘imposter syndrome’ and it allows us to get in our own head and feel as though we don’t belong or have anything of value to add. Like I said earlier if you carry your energy and your intention to help others, along with the intention to ask questions and constantly get better you have a lot of value to add. Even if a client can see that you don’t know everything, they can appreciate that you care enough to learn more for them. And that carries more weight than anything else will. When a client feels supported, it lets them know that you’re in their corner cheering them on and that you’re with them in their struggles. This never goes unnoticed and will support you in all your efforts as a personal trainer.

There is no right way to train someone. There are methods that will assist you in your success but as a whole there are endless ways to move your body and as trainers, we are afforded the privilege to share this knowledge and passion with others.

It’s easy to listen to a podcast, get really into a training style, and prescribe it to all of our clients and friends. That’s called passion and it’s a beautiful thing. However, out of mental convenience we sometimes find ourselves stuck in old ways and never willing to expand on these ideas. In fact we will make a genuine attempt to dismiss others perspectives so we can create our own echo chamber of fitness knowledge and practices. There are so many amazing communities within the fitness community. Get familiar with all of them and find valuable things that each perspective can teach you.

You are valuable and deserve to be treated as such

We are trying to promote healthy balanced lives in our clients but we tend to think that doesn’t apply to us. Many trainers came from an athletic/competitive background so the tendency to overwork ourselves and be as busy as possible is very real. Regardless of what background you came from though we all care about our clients and as human beings we all want to strive to be as successful as we can be. This can lead to opening up crazy availability in our schedule to accommodate to as many clients as possible and often taking on more than we can handle. That along with many other ambitions and goals without room for proper physical or mental recovery can lead to what I’ve been referring to as “trainer burnout”. We want to prove ourselves to our managers and our peers by having that go-getter attitude and we know nobody wants to hear our excuses so we put our head down, plow forward, and pretend like we have absolutely everything together. Managers eat it up, your peers admire you for it and some even aspire to be like you but underneath you’re one bad sleep away from collapsing into another mental breakdown. You start to notice that no matter how hard you work, your enthusiasm and energy you prided yourself on is just non existent. Your lifts suffer, your ability to be present suffers, and you constantly feel overwhelmed. You’ve made everyone else in your life a priority at the expense of yourself. Now you can’t even do what you intended to do from the beginning which was change others lives and give them your best because your best no longer exists. It’s some 40% of yourself that you’ve settled for because hey atleast it’s better than letting others down. You matter. You always will matter. To your clients, family, and friends you matter more than you could know. Ideally you set the way you’d like to be treated from day one and set realistic limitations with your clients and yourself. Most likely though if you’re reading this and it happened to resonate deeply with you, then you’ve probably already dug your hole pretty deep. At this point you need to have those uncomfortable talks with your clients, friends and managers. Let them know that you are a priority and that you need to achieve a level of balance that resembles what you would inspire your clients to achieve. People are much more understanding than you would think and you may just be surprised at how accommodating they can be.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Part- a, earlier

Cogito, ergo sum 8-8-21

“I think therefore I am” - René Descartes

Everything(s) that we do is just that. Literally a thing, that we do. It's a way of passing through our very short time here. From painting the Sacellum Sixtinum, to coaching little league baseball, to staying up all night smoking crack in a basement surrounded by people who correlate the word struggle to mean a way outside of themselves, but it's more about the -what- we do rather than the -what for-. Which, for those of us lucky enough to want more out of this life, perhaps it comes about at a later time as an internal journey, like it did for me, and millions of other . . . soul searchers. Soul searchers? Yeah, soul searchers.

I am because I can see that I am?

Yes, but no. I am because it’s obvious that I can see that I am now, but I am . . .even before I knew that I was too.

I read somewhere that the main function of our physical being is to haul the mind from appointment to appointment, that from the neck down we are just a means to an end. True? I mean maybe, even for me to see it.

The heart that I so passionately write about using and/or trying to use better, isn’t actually in your chest by the way. It's in your mind. The ability to reason, the ability to feel, etc, is from the organ inside your head.

The beat in your chest, which is absolutely important too, that implies purpose, is hyperbole, in my opinion. The only heart I'm concerned with when writing and living as an example of how to be kind, why to love my neighbors, and to objectify my gratitude, is the one found upstairs behind my eyes. Trust and believe that.

We can only love life in direct correlation to our level of perception, and that ability to reason that I always talk about. The heart and the mind are one and the same my friends. Parts, or pieces of the whole.

1 part heart + 1 part mind = 1 whole Shawn

I think that all those years I spent lost, and the more recent years that I've been trying to decipher ways of aligning them {the heart and mind}, were just to realize now that I was looking at them all wrong. They are not separate, except maybe as ideas. That realization is how I blended them together. It's a process. I still have a ways to go of course, but . . . It's why I believe it gets easier for me all the time. Because I know the connection between thinking and feeling is the source of our light. It's too important. And the level of brightness, or dimness, is up to us. Up to us to better understand that connection for ourselves. Patiently waiting for others to arrive is another lesson in, and of itself.

This learn•ed move, means that even though you couldn't see it before, because actions speak louder than words, that that feeling inside of me that has always been there, has, in fact, been me the whole time. Granted I had to change me but still . . . me nonetheless.

I am sorry, so very sorry for all those I hurt before, and as unfortunate as it is, the pain of me hurting over the pain of hurting others brought me to this point right here, limiting those deathbed regrets, and living life for love and hoping each day my journey helps me discover and uncover new and exciting things, mostly within, but hey . . .how I feel inside is why I am to you. That’s a thing to behold too. Lol Why I am to you, or why you are to me. Life should be lived as meaningfully as possible. Don’t you think?

Reconciling the heart and mind, is even more important than say that of the mind and body. I'd argue that without the former the latter isn’t completely available.

This reconciling holds actual resources used to differentiate between feelings, and how we feel about everything to include other human beings. Don't waste your resources on mindless, empty bullshit. Remember that life is a limited time offer. Compassion and empathy, for example, would seem like all heart, but without our ability to reason and judge, how would we know it means to care right? Its both. One compliments the other, in almost all of the most important aspects of our lives as humans.

The collective human race has such low expectations of one another these days that it's hard to evolve as a whole though. Individually we stunt growth as well because alone we are limited. We need others. Plain and simple. When we start to do better by each other, we'll be able to start holding higher expectations. Not the other way around. Better standards should be earned, like respect. Right? We show respect first then expect respect in return. Do better for better. We share this little planet and our time here with so many people. Why then is there so much hate? It’s crazy right?

If more people understood, and cared, what others feel, and not just about themselves. . . oh the changes that could happen. So, let’s continue to be kind, or at the very least be civil, and share your love and your laughter with the world as a whole. Then, together, we can light the way for more.

Until next week;

“I feel therefore. . . I really am” – Shawn Jackson

[lizzieblabbers]

hello world

today’s march 2, and why do i have this weird habit of writing my monthly check ups every second of the following month?

anyway, february had been a real pain in the ass

today, i mean tonight's the third, and it took me three business days to recover from the second month of the year, the supposedly love month

love? which part of that did i experience love?

i had tons of schoolworks because, you know, in my uni, the last two months of every semester is usually the busiest and probably the most crucial period as it is usally deemed as the "finals szn" and therefore all of our instructors think that it's okay to just dump tasks for each subject all at once likE ok fine

anyway, february ended really bad for me (at least, for me. i hope it didn't for others) because i got a really low (based on my standards) on a major and me being me, im not used to getting marks that low that i took it to heart and bawled my eyes out

but hey i guess its okay because i'm still alive, i'm not the only one in class who got that mark, and i can always try harder next semester

in line with this, though, i had realizations

i know where i am lacking, and that i need to fix it next semester if i want to graduate college with a decent transcript, enough to land me a job that would nurture me as a person and would help me provide for my family

enough of the future--another thing i realized is that i need to stop being so fucking kind because hello??? people are using me and i am too blind to hold them accountable because they are "my friends" and that i don't want to be seen as a villain or some sort of evil person who does not have any ounce of empathy towards others

i just can't help but blame the version of myself who stayed up late and woke up early to fix somebody else's script and prioritized their unfinished tasks over mine for the sake of "overall effect"

fuck overall image. what makes you think that it's okay for you to just say sorry everytime you're unable to do your responsibility to the group (minsan nga walang sorry lol) and then voila everything's okay?

i understand where you're coming from, but don't you think it's your fault for taking on another responsibility, so you are actually responsible for balancing that whilst not being a burden to others? asking for help is okay, but it involves "asking" which you don't do.

it's my fault, and i learned the hard way

ANYHOO ENOUGH OF THESE RANTS

february also gave me a good news--i ranked 9th among the whole population of seniors two years ago. and albeit late, it still gave me hope that maybe, im not dumb. maybe im just too kind

honestly i can consider february as some sort of awakening--i was naive, and people aren't always true to what they say. so this march, ill try my best to be a better version of myself

aside from emotional cleansing, i'm also trying to go back to taking care of myself (building a routine, waking my muscles up, following my skincare routine diligently) so i guess march would be a month of regeneration

wow big word

ok so i think that sums it up, i just wished to have someone to talk to about all these, you know. it would really help me

ANYWAY

BYE TUMBLR SEE YOU

((will maybe write more here, I KNOW I SAID IT A LOT OF TIMES BUT I THINK NOW ITS TRUE, because im trying not to share too much because wala, bagong buhay hehe))

BYEEEEE