#and i think it sort of helped me figure out how to pack an emotional punch in a small amount of words

[albertasunrise]

Look for the Light - 2

Masterlist

Summary: Four years ago, Joel saved you from certain death. In return, you followed him faithfully. Always ready to do and give him whatever he asked, despite the hurt it inflicted on you, body and soul. Agreeing to go with him to deliver Ellie to the Fireflies… this would be the last time you’d follow him… After this, your debt would be paid.

Relationships: Reader x Joel Miller, Joel Miller & Ellie, Reader & Ellie

Warnings: Like AO3, I choose to give none. Read at your own risk. 18+ (So excited to share this with you. So much to come folks! 🙊😍)

Series Masterlist - Part 1

"He hates me!" Ellie grumbled to you under her breath as she ate the last of the sandwich from her pack.

"He hates everyone." You snorted as you nibbled on your ration of jerky.

"He doesn't hate you."

"Doesn't like me." You grumbled in reply, a little louder than you'd intended but Joel made no sign of hearing you.

"So what's the deal with you two anyway?" She asked as she pulled Joel's coat closer.

"Nothing." You replied with a shrug.

"Bullshit."

"What do you-"

"I catch you looking at him all googly-eyed when he's not looking and I've seen him do the same when you ain't." She stated and you scoffed at that "It's true." She defended "He clearly cares about you and you clearly care about him so what's the issue?"

"I owe him my life." You stated plainly "He saved me and I have followed him ever since." Ellie gave you a bemused look as she waited for you to continue "He keeps me around because he saved me... All this is."

"You mean more to him than that." Ellie argued but you simply shook your head.

"No... I don't." You grumbled before eating the last of your jerky "Get some sleep. Got a long walk ahead of us tomorrow."

Ellie didn't argue. She ate the last bite of her food before laying down on the hard forest floor and pulling Joel's coat over her small shoulders. You watched her a moment before your eyes drifted to Joel again. The man was standing in the same spot he'd been a few minutes ago, eyes scanning the forest for any sign of movement.

You knew telling him to get some rest was futile. The man was as stubborn as they came so instead you let your head fall back against the tree you were leaning against and closed your eyes. The sound of the forest lulling you to sleep.

Joel meanwhile was replaying what he'd heard, over and over in his brain.

He keeps me around because he saved me... All this is

Did you really think that's all you meant to him?

Had he really given you no other indications of how important you were to him? He knew he wasn't good at showing any sort of real emotion. He'd shut that side away the day his daughter had died. He hadn't cried since that day either but he had hoped that the small things he did had given you the smallest indication that you were more than just a sidekick to him.

Then he remembered what you'd said to him back at the hotel.

So you're not fucking us both?

Truth was... He and Tess had broken things off the moment she realised that you meant more to him than just a casual fuck. She'd been okay with him sleeping with you occasionally. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't been sleeping with other men occasionally but when it had come to light that his feelings for you ran a little deeper. That was it.

Her words to him just before they'd left her there to die amongst those monsters still echoed in his head.

I never ask, you for anything! Not to feel the way I felt.

Joel had known, deep down, that Tess' feelings for him were a little more than just friends. But she had never pushed him for more than he was willing to give and he had always appreciated that. So it hadn't come as any surprise that when she'd figured out that he had feelings for you, she hadn't wanted any part of it. He was sure that it had hurt her more than she let on but you can't help who you love. And he didn't love her.

Save who you can save... And tell her the truth... Before it's too late.

He was sure though, as he turned to look at you and Ellie, that if he told you what you meant to him. You'd laugh in his face"

I owe him my life

That's the only reason you'd stuck around. The only reason you'd let him lose himself in you when he needed a distraction. You felt that you owed it to him. The truth of it stung more than he'd expected but he couldn't let it distract him from what he needed to do. Get Ellie to Bill and Franks.

That was his mission now.

It was a five-hour hike to Bill and Franks. Five hours and then you could have a shower and eat some of Bill's amazing food. But for now, Jerky would have to do. You were sat nibbling on your measly ration, and Ellie sat silently beside you.

"Where's Joel?" She asked having woken up to just you.

"Gone to freshen up down by the river." You stated and she gave you a slight nod before returning to her own meal.

A few bites in, you were overcome with the sudden urge to hurl and you managed to throw yourself sideways in time before you were emptying the contents of your stomach onto the forest floor.

"Whoa, you okay?" Asked Ellie as she looked at you in shock.

"Yeah." You replied as you shook your head weakly and wiped your mouth with the back of your hand.

'What's going on?" Joel asked as he appeared.

Wonderful You thought to yourself as you looked up at the man.

"Nothing." You replied meekly as you shook your head.

"She just hurled!" Ellie exclaimed and you cursed the teenager's honesty.

"Really?" Joel asked as he stepped closer to you, his brows drawing together in what appeared to be genuine concern.

"It's nothing." You waved off as you got to your feet "Probably about to start my..." You didn't finish your sentence. Didn't get a chance before a wave of dizziness washed over you and your knees gave out.

Ellie and Joel were quick to catch you but you didn't thank them. You shrugged them off before tossing the last of your jerky to Ellie and stalking away.

"Just got up to fast." You growled before making your way out of view so you could relieve yourself.

"She okay?" Ellie asked as she watched you disappear behind some trees.

"How should I know?" Joel grumbled and the teenagers scoffed.

"You can pretend that you don't give a shit but I can see that you do." She snapped, eyes boring into the side of Joel's head.

When she realised she wasn't going to get the reaction she wanted out of the man she dropped it. No point in fighting a losing battle.

"You want your jacket back?"

Nothing.

"I've never been in the woods." She said then, changing the subject completely "More bugs than I thought."

Still, the man said nothing. She knew he was probably upset about Tess but it wasn't your fault or hers. Yet he'd been nothing but cold towards you both since it happened.

"Look, I've been thinking about..."

"I don't want your sorries." He growled, still not looking at the teenager.

"I wasn't gonna say I'm sorry." She snapped back and this grabbed his attention "I was gonna say that I've been thinking about what happened.

Nobody made you, her or Tess take me." She said as she motioned in the direction you'd walked in "Nobody made you go along with this plan. You needed a truck battery or whatever and you made a choice." She paused a moment, staring him down "So don't blame me for something that isn't my fault." Joel nodded, his eyes dropping to the forest floor "And don't blame her either!"

"I don't blame her!" Joel defended and Ellie scoffed.

"Well, you've been a dick to her since we left the city."

"It's complicated." Joel grumbled and Ellie just rolled her eyes at his reply.

"Whatever."

An awkward silence fell over them both for a moment. Neither party knew what to say never so your return brought them both to sigh in relief.

"How much longer?" Ellie asked as she watched the man finish packing his supplies.

"Five-hour hike." He replied plainly and the teenager nodded.

"We can manage that." She replied before looking at you and smiling. "You've gone this way a lot?"

"Yeah." You replied, as you grabbed your own pack and slung it onto your back.

"No Infected?"

"Not often, no." You replied before looking over at Joel. "Let's get going."

You didn't wait to see if they were following. You silently trekked in the direction of Bill and Frank's. You didn't want to talk to either of them about the fact that you'd thrown up again. You didn't need to add to their burdens. Once you were at Bill and Frank's, you'd be able to rest, freshen up and lay all this to rest.

So you walked. You walked as fast as you knew Joel could handle with his bad knees. You tried to tune out Ellie's chatter but the girl was a chatterbox.

"How'd you get that scar on your head?" She asked Joel but he didn't answer, his eyes fixed on you as you walked ahead.

"What? Is it something lame?" The girl pushed "Like you fell down the stairs or something?"

"I didn't fall down any stairs." He grumbled finally and you smirked.

"Okay, so what then?"

"Someone shot at me and missed."

"See, that's cool." The teenager gushed as she glanced up at Joel "You shoot back?"

"Yeah."

"You get him?"

"No, I missed, too." He grumbled in reply and you almost turned your head to look back at him "It happens more often than you think."

"Cause you suck at shooting or, like, in general?"

"In general."

"You know, seeing as it's just the three of us, I was thinking I should pro-"

"No."

It amused you how persistent the child was when it came to having a gun of her own. You knew it wasn't unusual for kids to be curious about firearms but she was bordering on trigger-happy. You wondered if she had ever fired one outside of the FEDRA school shooting range. You hoped she'd never have to.

When the rest stop came into view you slowed your pace a little. Knowing that Joel would want to stop and restock his munitions.

"Hang back a minute." He said as he made his way over to the entrance of the derelict store "I gotta grab some stuff I stashed."

You stopped by the door, waiting for Joel and the teenager to catch up. You couldn't help the quirk of your lip at Joel's obvious misery at the child's constant chatter. He wasn't one for talking much. Only when he had a few drinks in him would he loosen up and hold a conversation with anyone. But even then, they were short.

"Stashed?" Ellie questioned as she looked up at the run-down building "Why do you have stuff stashed here?"

"You ask a lot of goddamn questions." He griped as he stepped past you and inside.

"Yes, I do." Ellie replied, smirking as she looked up at you "So, are you gonna answer me or what?"

"We hide supplies on routes." You piped up as your eyes scanned the room "In case we find ourselves short on gear..."

"Which I currently am 'cause-"

"No way!" Ellie squealed out as she ran across the store "You ever play this one?" She asked as she turned her head to look at you and you shoot your head "I had a friend who knew everything about this game. There's this one character named Mileena who takes off her mask and she has monster teeth and then she swallows you whole and barfs out your bones." You grinned at her excitement.

Your eyes scanned the pilfered shelves as Ellie played around with the long-dead game. The frames, dirty and bare.

"Okay, well, I'm gonna take a look around, see if there's anything good." Ellie stated as she looked over at Joel and then at you.

"Trust me, it's all been picked over already." Joel grumbled as he kicked at the floor.

"Maybe, maybe not." Ellie shrugged as she made her way over to the back of the shop "Is there anything bad in here?" She called out as she looked through the dark doorway.

"Just you." Joel replied and you smirked as Ellie rolled her eyes at the man's reply.

"Getting funnier." She grumbled before stepping into the back.

"Where are you going?" He asked when he noticed you step away.

"Keep an eye on her." You replied with a shrug before slipping into the back.

Joel was right about the store being pillaged but there was still the odd item here or there. You shone your torch over the bare frames, hoping that you might find something of use.

"Check this out1" Ellie exclaimed and you turned to see her dropping down through a trap door on the floor.

"Ellie I don't think-" She disappeared before you got a chance to finish.

You turned your head and shone your torch down the remainder of the shelves, stopping in your tracks when it hit a familiar-looking box. You couldn't believe your eyes when you picked the item up to look at it better and without thinking you stuffed it in your pack.

"You all right back there?" Called out Joel and you turned to look back at the room you'd seen Ellie in a few minutes before, squinting when you noticed some movement at the trap door.

"Yep!" Ellie called and you smiled as you made your way towards the trap door, stopping when you saw that Joel had finally found what he was looking for.

"All there?" You asked as you stepped towards him and he nodded.

"Looks like." He replied "She being awful quiet all of a sudden." He said as he looked up at you and then at the door "Ellie?"

"She's fine." You said but he didn't listen to you, his brow pulling together the longer the girl didn't respond.

"Ellie!" He called out again but still, the girl didn't respond and suddenly you started to worry also.

Getting to his feet, Joel took a few ginger steps towards the doorway, ready for anything that could potentially come through it.

"Ellie?" He called out one more time and that's when the girl appeared.

"Picked over, my ass." She announced as she waved a box of tampons in his face and you smirked at her before looking back at him again.

"Told you she was okay."

Joel then finished swapping out the gun he had for the one he'd stashed and then, hid it all away again. A short while later you were walking again, dust kicking up behind you as you followed the dirt road to your destination.

"Holy shit." Expelled Ellie as she spotted a wrecked plain on the hillside "You fly in one of those?"

"Few times, sure." Replied Joel as he came to a stop at the girl's side.

"So lucky."

"Didn't feel like it at the time." Joel grumbled and you smirked, remembering your own experience of flying.

"Get shoved into a middle seat, pay 12 bucks for a sandwich."

"Don't forget the cramped ass toilets that always seemed to be occupied."

"Dudes, you got to go up in the sky." Ellie groaned.

"Yeah, well, so did they." Replied Joel grimly and your face fell.

Your walking on prompted the other two to follow. You zoned out the conversation when Ellie asked about how it all started, not wanting to be reminded of how one minute you were sleeping soundly in your bed and the next, you were being carried to the car so your family could flee the town you'd grown up in. The walk passed by more or less wordlessly on your part. Stopped only to look at the mass grave that sat at the side of the road, a sobering reminder of how the army had dealt with people they hadn't had space for.

You were an hour out when your stomach rolled again and you silently dashed for the treeline before emptying what was left of the contents of your stomach. Joel and Ellie watched wordlessly as you stumbled back out onto the road a few moments later but neither of them said a word and for that, you were glad. You didn't even want to think about what could possibly be wrong with you right now.

When the fence line came into view, you instantly knew something was up. The flowers outside of the house were dead. Frank would never have let them get to that state. The house looked desolate. It had always looked so lived in before and you shared a look with Joel, a silent conversation passing between the two of you as he stepped towards the gate.

Something was wrong.

"Stay there." He ordered as he inputted the code and entered the town, gun in hand.

You followed Joel with Ellie at your side. Heart in your throat as you studied the house closely. It all just felt wrong. The door squeaked open and you felt your heart leap into your throat as the empty house came into view.

"What the fuck?"

"Bill?" Called out Joel but he was met with silence "Frank?"

Still nothing.

"You stay there." He said to Ellie, before looking up at you "Ya hear anything, you see anything, yell."

"What if they're gone?"

You knew in your heart of hearts that the lack of presence from these two men was a bad omen. There was no way either of them had left this place.

You stepped studied the table and noted the rotten food that still sat there. Frank would die before leaving a mess. You stepped into the kitchen but you were greeted by nothing but the smell of rotten food. The smell was so strong that you ran for the sink, throwing up nothing but bile now.

"Ellie?" Called out Joel and you stepped back into the dining room to see the girl sitting there with a letter in hand.

Joel stood opposite her, a grim expression on his face.

"It's from Bill." She said as she picked up the envelope "To whomever, but probably Joel." She read before putting it back down again "I figured I fell under 'whomever'... Came with this." She said lifting up a car key.

"So they're dead?" He asked, his eyes darting up to you when you gasped at his question.

"You wanna?"

"Go ahead. You do it."

You stood there and listened as the girl read Bill's letter. Silent tears slipped down your cheeks as you started at the paper in her hands.

"I leave you all of my weapons and equipment. Use them to keep..." She trailed off, looking at Joel who then took the letter from her.

His shoulders tensed and you knew exactly what it said. You didn't need to read it to know.

"Stay here." Joel grumbled before stepping out.

"Should we go after him?" She asked you but you shook your head.

"No."

An hour later you were showering and washing the grime of the past two days from your skin. Joel managed to find some clothes for you all. Some jeans, a t-shirt and a flannel for you that now sat on the unit just outside. When you were done, your eyes fell on your pack, mind wandering to the item inside. You were sure you were just sick with stress but you wondered if perhaps it was something more sinister. Perhaps it was best to check.

You could hear Joel and Ellie as they pilfered the house for essentials. So you knew they wouldn't miss you for a little while longer.

You were sitting with Ellie when Joel emerged from upstairs, hair still wet from showering. His eyes raked over you a moment. Your knee bounced as you stared at your pack that lay on the table. You felt sick. Your stomach twisted in painful knots as you unconsciously picked at the skin around your thumbnail.

"Well, don't you look pretty." Ellie teased, pulling a smirk from you as you glanced up at him.

"Shut up." He grumbled, "Come on... time to go."

Ellie got up and skipped outside but you were slower to follow. Grabbing your pack, you threw it over your shoulder and started to make your way out, Joel stopping you when you reached him.

"You okay?" He asked and you nodded.

"Golden." You replied, giving him a smile that you knew was convincing no one.

Because the truth was you weren't okay... Far from it!

And you didn't know what you were going to do.

Next

Taglist form

Tags: @hayley-the-comet @ajeff855 @mavericksicybabe @supernaturalgirl20 @dihra-vesa @nicolethered @practicalghost @theanothersherlockian @gallowsjoker @little-mrs-morales @sunnshineeexoxo @aliwritesfic @maryfanson @sherala007 @ayrusss @greeneyedblondie44 @elegantduckturtle @jediknight122 @goodgriefitsawildworld @voteforpedro09 @prostitute-robot-from-the-future @mishasminion360 @giggly-otter @athalien @mssbridgerton @huitzilinthebudgie3 @samanthacookieone @salome-c @radcollectivesoul @pedrohoe04 @paintlavillered @ktmadden86 @hotchlover

[voidpetrova]

summertime sadness — isaac lahey x reader

you can find part 1 here

☄. *. ⋆

content warnings and genre: swearing, drinking, borderline cheating — angst, fluff

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

synopsis: your summer fling with stiles had come to a cold, harsh and abrupt halt. what happens when both of you come to your senses? when emotions clash with logic, late confessions with patient ones?

i got that summertime, summertime sadness

su-su-summertime, summertime sadness

got that summertime, summertime sadness

✧.*

some people call it burying the hatchet. the phrase is an allusion to the figurative or literal practice of putting the cessation of hostilities among or by native americans in the eastern united states. some call it making peace, to end a quarrel. in latin, they call it “sepelite securim”. letting bygones be bygones. a lot of people in beacon hills chose to stick with their more traditional senses, inabilities to smoke the peace pipe.

however, you didn't fall under that category.

“what's with the smile? missed me?” of course you did. you had limited access to different varients of information, but you knew one thing for sure—you were falling in love with him. how could you help yourself? you turned around to face, him leaning against your locker as you locked eyes with his green ones. “don't flatter yourself.”

he couldn't help but smile back as he placed his hand next to the side of your head. ever since you and stiles clashed, the pack had started to gain a sense of developing tension. you and stiles spoke only when mandatory, lydia couldn't meet your gaze, almost as if she was ashamed, maybe even angry. scott, no matter how much he loved stiles, remained neutral and unbiased. he had offered to console you alongside allison on numerous occasions. derek didn't really care, he was all too familiar with the drama entangling teenagers brought up—he chose to stay out of it, but he knew stiles was in the wrong. out of everybody, isaac had been spending the most amount of time with you. he knew how to set aside his own feelings in order to help you sort out yours, and he was very patient with it. in the long run, his patience and hard work seemed to have paid off.

a generous amount of people have taken notice of your blooming relationship with isaac, and that same generous amount of people supported the two of you. they took notice of the way you would hold isaac's hand to calm him down whenever he got angry, how you would give it a tight squeeze when aiden and ethan walked by. they took notice of how he looked at you—those were the eyes of a man in love.

however, you couldn't please everybody.

“this is blasphemy,” scott couldn't help but let out an exasperated sigh at the words of his best friend. this certainly wasn't the first time stiles chose to spit out venom, disguising it as sarcasm and shits and giggles. “is there no school policy against public displays of 'let's make stiles throw up'?”

stiles huffed as he leaned against scott's locker, his best friend watching him with such concern, you'd almost think the annoyance departed. he squinted as if he was trying to read your lips, tilting his ear towards you and isaac in order to get something. anything. with a sigh of defeat, he rolled his eyes.

“you know, i actually just got a really good idea,”

“no kidding, stiles has a good idea?”

“yes, asshole. unlike some of us, good ideas come naturally and not through supernatural claws, fangs and blowing pigs' houses down.” scott shot him a glare. whatever it is i said about the annoyance making a departure, i take it back.

“what's this great idea of yours?” stiles huffed, turning to face scott estatically, as if he knew his idea would be shot down. “could you put your alpha echolocation crap to use and help me eavesdrop for a quick minute?” scott thought of you as his sister, he really did. no matter how much he cared for stiles, he couldn't defend him for the things he did and said, which is why he was so hesitant to oblige. at the same time, no matter how much stiles chose to deny it, he knew you made him happy. he knew lydia was just someone to fill in the blanks, because it made more sense— it was the way things were supposes to be; him and allison, stiles and scott. unfortunately, scott was, at times, very biased. this was one of those times.

in a second, everybody else's voices were drowned out. the sound of your laughter filled his ears as he focused all his attention onto you and isaac. he could feel the way stiles tensed up—he couldn't hear the things scott heard, but he could see just about the same. he watched the way isaac tucked loose stranda of hair behind your ear, the way you two held hands. most importantly, the way you looked at him. it was similar to the way you used to look at him, he only wished he hadn't been blind to it then. now, everything was crystal clear. so clear that it made his stomach churn.

“they're going out tonight, they're going to bar next to jungle,” scott paused for a moment, as if he was questioning what he had heard. “jungle, as in the gay club?”

stiles shot him a disapproving look. “no, the amazon,” scott met his look with such annoyance, anybody would've expected him to punch him. “it's 2011, scott. get with the program.”

if he hadn't been so focused on your conversation, stiles would've ended up with a foot in his ass. “why are they going there?” stiles asked him, this time, without provoking annoyance. “it's a first official date sort of thing,” scott explained as he listened further. “he's taking her out, just the two of them at eight tonight.” stiles knew he owed scott for this one, but he couldn't have been more grateful.

“whatever plans you had tonight, cancel them.”

i'm feelin' electric tonight

cruisin' down the coast, goin' about 99

got my bad baby by my heavenly side

i know if i go, i'll die happy tonight

as you pushed open the heavy wooden door, a rush of warmth and muffled laughter enveloped you. the interior of the bar unfolded like a treasure trove of memories, bathed in the soft glow of vintage filament bulbs that dangled from the exposed rafters. weathered brick walls embraced the patrons, adorned with an eclectic mix of framed photographs and old signs, each hinting at the bar's storied past. the air hummed with the lively cadence of a jazz ensemble tucked into the corner, their melodies meandering through the space like a river finding its course. the smoky aroma of oak-aged spirits mingled with the heady fragrance of crafted cocktails, enticing the senses to partake in the evening's delights. it was a haven where conversations danced amidst the tinkle of glasses and the low rumble of laughter, a sanctuary for wanderers seeking refuge from the outside world.

isaac was gentle with you. his hand in yours felt reassuring as you crossed the threshold into the bar, the soft timbre of laughter and music enveloping you both in its warm embrace. the interior unfolded like a carefully crafted tableau, bathed in the soft glow of vintage filament bulbs that cast a romantic ambiance over the scene. as you took a seat on a well-worn stool, he offered a knowing smile, a silent acknowledgement of your presence. in this haven, time seemed to stand still, granting you both a moment to savor each other's company against the backdrop of the enchanting sanctuary.

as you and isaac settled in, the bartender, a friendly figure with a twinkle in his eye, approached with a warm smile. “welcome,” he greeted, his voice carrying a note of genuine hospitality. “what can i get the two of you tonight?” his inquiry was accompanied by a gesture towards a menu filled with an enticing array of libations, each one a carefully crafted creation that seemed to promise a delightful journey of flavors. the anticipation between you and isaac was palpable as you exchanged glances, a silent conversation of preferences and unspoken desires. with a soft chuckle, isaac turned to you, his gaze a mixture of playfulness and curiosity, as if seeking to uncover the secret to your taste. “a beer for me and a diet coke for the designated driver.” the waiter politely nodded before heading back. you smiled at him, he knew you all too well.

“i hope this date wasn't too sudden,” he mused, his eyes crinkling with a mixture of sincerity and amusement as he leaned in slightly. the soft candlelight flickered, casting playful shadows across his green eyes and light curls. his words held a warmth that eased any lingering uncertainties, like a comforting embrace on a cool evening. you met his gaze, a smile of reassurance blooming on your lips. "no, not at all," you replied, your voice carrying the resonance of honesty. “after everything, i'm only upset we haven't done this sooner.”

isaac leaned in even further, your lips almost brushing. “tonight is about you and me, nobody else, okay?” your hot breath fanned his lips as the question passed your lips. he smiled at you, before pressing your lips to yours. “that's what i like to hear.”

unfortunately, you hadn't accounted for the uninvited guests.

as your laughter mingled with isaac's, an unexpected hush fell over the bar. turning in surprise, your eyes widened as you spotted a familiar face—stiles, his expression a mix of determination and vulnerability. his sudden appearance was accompanied by the sight of scott, who seemed torn between loyalty and concern. the air around you shifted, the romantic ambiance giving way to an undercurrent of tension. isaac's grip on your hand tightened subtly, a silent affirmation of his presence by your side.

stiles cleared his throat, his voice laced with an urgency that hung heavy in the air. “i know this isn't the best time, but there's something i need to say,” his words were raw and unguarded, revealing a side of him you had only glimpsed in passing. isaac's protective stance remained unwavering, a silent shield against any potential discomfort.

scott shifted uneasily, his conflicted expression a reflection of the friendship that had endured countless challenges. “stiles is right, he has something he needs to get off his chest.” his gaze held an unspoken plea for understanding, a testament to the complexity of their motives.

the once-vibrant bar had become a backdrop to a moment suspended in uncertainty, a collision of emotions that seemed to stretch time itself. with isaac's silent dismay, you made a choice—extending empathy to stiles and scott without diminishing the connection you shared with isaac. you waited, eyebrows raised as you finally locked eyes with stiles. you had stared into his brown eyes a countless amount of times, heart fluttering and fireworks exploding in the pit of your stomach each time. you could feel the way your heart melted, similar to the candle next to your arm as it illuminated your face. this time, it wasn't like that. for the first time in a while, you felt nothing.

and stiles had noticed it too.

stiles' eyes met yours with a mixture of regret and resignation, his unspoken words echoing in the charged atmosphere. understanding seemed to pass between you in that moment, the weight of his unspoken feelings hanging in the air. with a heavy sigh, he mustered a small, bittersweet smile, the corners of his lips lifting as he broke the silence.

“you look stunning tonight.” stiles said softly, his voice holding a blend of fondness and acceptance. his words were simple, yet beneath them lay a cascade of emotions he had chosen to keep hidden. it was a gesture that transcended spoken language, a way of saying more than words ever could.

isaac's grip on your hand remained steady, his presence a constant reminder of the connection you were forging in this evolving moment. as the seconds ticked by, the tension seemed to ebb, replaced by an unspoken understanding that the path ahead held new possibilities for all involved.

the bar around you, once a haven of shared stories and tender moments, became a backdrop to an intricate tapestry of emotions that defied easy categorization. in the midst of it all, your gaze met stiles', a silent acknowledgment passing between you—an acknowledgment of what could have been, and a nod to the new paths being forged.

oh, my God, i feel it in the air

telephone wires above are sizzlin' like a snare

honey, i'm on fire, i feel it everywhere

nothin' scares me anymore

[wickedfiction81]

Words and bullets coming out of my mouth (writing prompt)

Sometimes my feelings of self-hatred are the only authentic feelings I have. Whereas if I were to just float through a day like this, down and out, holding close to death my supposed self, I might be greeted kindly by some other lost soul who hates their existence also. I've been told, since birth, that I do this for attention, that I hate myself on the premise that others might see me and want to engage altruistically, like I'm setting a trap for someone else to fall into. So my pain somehow isn't my pain, but instead is a part of some game that I'm playing that I wasn't invited to. So then it's just Russian roulette, if I'm not really hurting then I'm hoping to catch somebody off guard I suppose. It appears as if everybody knows better than me.

I wasn't going to bring the gun. Mr. Chomas, who everyone called Chomo behind his back, my second period, homeroom, English teacher, would somehow figure out that I had brought a gun to school. Somehow that guy knows everything that's about to happen before it happens. He would look me in my eyes and say don't do it, or you need help, just before I pulled the gun from my back-pack. He says these obscure things all the time. He knew when I was thinking about cheating on the last mid-term. He said those same words don't do it. Don't be a loser, Jackie-boy. Well, that's not him. That's my dad who says that. Jackie-boy. It's sort of satisfying that I'm going to shoot myself with my father's gun. He's always putting words in my mouth. That's probably just something I do for attention too. I allow him to put words in my mouth. Yeah, that has to be my fault.

The gun fit nice and snug in my Cohrens backpack. I put it in the first pouch that had the velvet lining. It's one of those nifty switch-guns that you whip out fast with your hand. It holds six bullets. I wonder if that's why all of those rap songs refer to their guns as their six? Anyways, I've been practicing and rehearsing for this. We'll see how it goes. Ha, that's funny--see how it goes.

You're not supposed to want to die. That's another thing that I'm not supposed to do. Die. Dammit! I've got to keep it together for everybody else. I'm needed. I've got to hold this family together. Nope, again, not my words. Always somebody else's. You know whose words those are? You guessed it. My mothers. Well, maybe in honor of my mother, I'll just shoot six other people and keep myself alive. We'll just have to see how it goes. See how it goes. See how it goes.

Relax! It's just a prompt! We have to get back to writing fiction that emulates real life and emotions! If you can't write about it, then you may end up on the other side of the gun anyway. Everyone feels like dying sometimes. So play with it! Viciously! Woo ha ha! It's better than another fucking WWII novel isn't it?

[worriedvision]

Former (Part 4)

Part 3 here. Gender neutral reader, more Tighnari here than the previous part.

--

"Collei!" Amber calls, Collei running up with energy as she reunites with her friend. "It's so good to see you again! How long are you here for? I'll get a room booked for you!"

"I'm just here for a day or so. Gotta get back to work after." Collei giggles.

"Oh, is that a pack of those cards? Let's get a drink and have a match!" Amber suggests, Collei nodding as she follows Amber.

"As I was saying, Master Albedo, I think it would be better to have some sort of private space for these lost visions so we can be certain nothing like this happens again." You explain, both of you pouring over the details regarding an employee stealing the visions from the original keepsafe.

"But how could we be sure only we'd be able to lock it efficiently? Normal keys can be stolen easily, and tape can pick up fingerprints..." Albedo hums in thought.

"Well, what if we had some sort of code for the room? And we could change the code on a daily basis so only we would know what the code is?" You ask, Albedo nodding to himself.

Collei looks over after hearing your voice, and she excuses herself for a moment.

"_! It's so good to see you." Collei starts. "Master Tighnari has been really worried. He wants you to come visit!"

"Oh, it's nice to see you Collei!" You start. "I don't think I would be able to do this, my office is stationed in Mondstadt and there isn't an ideal space for me."

"Oh..." Collei trails off. "Master Tighnari really wants to see you again. Is there any way you could come back?"

"He made his feelings clear, Collei. I don't think I could, given how many people know about it." You explain.

"Collei, over here!" Amber cheers, waving her over.

"Well, let's catch up later! I can't be in Mondstadt for too long, hopefully I catch you." Collei nods, rushing off to sit with Amber.

--

That afternoon, you had received a tip from an anonymous individual in Sumeru. There had been reports of visions being sold off as delusions, said individual saying they knew the common meet up spot as they and several others had gone there at the same time slot. Deciding to chase this, you inform Albedo before rushing off.

Unfortunately, you didnt think of who would be purchasing a delusion. You get to the location, just outside of Ghandarva Ville, and the moment you stop to look around, you realise too late the people who gave you the tip did not, in fact, try to get a delusion.

They had been paid a very hefty sum of mora to make you stop getting lost visions returned. Looking around you, you realise you have no escape route. You had self defence lessons, but that wouldn't keep you safe enough.

"Help me!" You scream, the eremites getting closer. "Please, someone!"

--

Tighnari had been talking to Cyno, once again asking if he had any luck in finding you, when he heard your scream for help. His ears perked up, and Cyno figured out where the screams were coming from based on where Tighnari looked. As Tighnari grabs his bow, Cyno is already sprinting to the location.

By the time Cyno got there, you had been curled up on the ground, the self defence completely gone. He turns the corner, some eremites running away like cowards as the others continue to attack you. Tighnari arrived shortly afterwards, some forest rangers also tagging along, and he orders for them to chase after the eremites that ran away. The other eremites got detained by Cyno, him dragging them away, and Tighnari had finally seen you for the first time after regaining his vision.

Before he can let himself get emotional in front of everyone, he knows to carry back to his home so he can take care of you. The moment he does, however, he becomes selfish.

He can't stop hugging you, not for a minute or so. He needs to reassure himself you weren't out of his life, he hoped you could feel how much he missed you with the hug before he gets to work as a doctor instead of a lover.

After taking care of your wounds, thankfully not dangerous but definitely painful, he sits at his desk as he keeps a close eye on you, writing to Mondstadt to inform them of the situation.

[horeformilfs]

I don't know how to be okay

Helena Bonham Carter X Fem!Reader

TW: Smoking, Fighting, SH, Eating Disorder, Talk about SA, Abuse

------------------------------------------

"But that's what you don't understand Helena, I don't know how to be okay," You scream as tears stream down your face. "Then let me help you, please," She says as she tires to come towards you. "No, I can't be helped, all I'm going to do is hurt you, I don't want that to happen," you say, as you walk to the front door and put on your coat.

She didn't move, she didn't try to stop you because she knew that you couldn't be stopped. When you were in this headspace the best thing to do was to give you some space to sort things out for yourself even though she didn't want to. You walked out the door and down the long driveway looking back to see Helena stranding in the doorway. 

It had been a few hours since you had left Helena's house and your phone had multiple missed calls and unread texts. You clothes now scattered on the floor of your bathroom as you stepped into the steaming shower, hoping the water would be hot enough to make you feel something.

After around 20 minutes of sitting on the tile floor of the shower you quickly washed your hair, wrapping yourself in a towel after turning off the water. 

Once in your sweats, you grab your cigarets, lighter, and book and make your way to your balcony. You take a seat on the couch and your cat Bella (yes you guessed right if you were thinking bellatrix) joins you on the other side of the sofa. You light your cigaret and inhale the toxic chemicals as you start reading your book. 

An hour passes, then two, then three, once you finish your book your have also managed to go through almost an entire pack of cigarets, with two left you decide to light them and put them out on your skin, burning yourself in the process.

You did not care that you were hurting yourself though because you didn't feel anything at this point. You body was littered with scars, burns, and bruises from your anger towards yourself and nobody had ever seen them, not even Helena.

You finally went inside twenty minutes later, the clock on the wall read 4:50 am, after finally checking your phone, you saw you had over twenty missed calls from your lover and thirty unread texts.

You looked at the messages from Helena but decided not to respond. You didn't know how to explain to her how hard it was for you to feel negative emotions and the toll it had on your mental and physical health. You finally went to bed around six o'clock in the morning and slept for almost a full twenty-four hours. 

Over the next week you did not look at your phone you figured that Helena was done with you. Somewhere deep inside your heart you knew that she wasn't like that, but from your past experiences, some part of you felt like it was true. During the week you didn't eat, overslept, and never once let yourself cry, even though you needed too. All you wanted was to be with Helena but you felt as if it was over. 

It was around midnight when you heard a knock on you apartment door. You didn't know who it was so went to the door and opened it. Standing on the other side of the door was Helena. She looked like a mess, her hair was messier than usual, eyes bloodshot and puffy, and she looked like she hadn't slept very much.

"Helena, what are you doing here," you asked surprised at the visit. "I needed to see you and make sure that you were okay," she responded moving to hug you, but you back away. She looked sad and confused at your motion and asked if she could come in and you agreed leading her through your living room to your balcony, taking a seat on the couch.

"So why are you here," you asked after she sat down. "Because I was worried about you and wanted to make sure that you were okay and safe, that's all I have ever wanted," she said looking at you with a sad look. "But why, I'm not worth anything and I know that you know that too, so please spare me the bullshit and tell me why you're really here," she just looked at you, heartbroken to hear that that is what you think of her and yourself.

"Darling, why on earth would you think that, I love you so much and I know that you know that," she replied moving to face you. "I just...never mind," you say turning away from her. "No Y/N, please don't shut me out again, I know that you have your troubles but I want to be there to help you through them, I want to be the one that you go to when you need to talk or to just be held, all I want is for you be alright and that may not be everyday and that may not happen for a while, but please, I'm begging you, let me support you, I can't see you hurt like this." She said.

All you could do was look at her, You didn't know how to respond, no one had ever wanted to stay with you once they had found out but you could see that she was telling the truth. 

After a few minutes of sitting in silence you finally spoke. "Alright, I will tell you, but I don't blame you if after you hear what I say you leave me," all she did was nod her head. "Well if I'm starting from the beginning, I was born in another country and was adopted, my parents used to hit me when I was little, but they deny every doing it, so that's part of the reason why I don't really like being touched or why I flinch when you try to hug me, but I'm like that with everyone, so don't think that it's you. Then I was sexually assaulted twice, I tried telling the school about it when I was 14 but the didn't believe me. The second time it happened I told my parents and my mom asked me what I was wearing and if I had given his any sign to show that I wanted it, which obviously isn't true. 

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety later that year and after that I was in and out of hospitals. Then, earlier this year after being in a program I was finally diagnosed with social anxiety, PTSD, and BPD," you say finally looking at Helena, who had tears streaming down her face. "Darling, why didn't you every tell me this," she asked wondering why you felt as if she couldn't be trusted.

"I don't know, it's just, anytime I told someone, they would leave me, think that I was too much to deal with or would want friends that didn't have any mental health problems, so after a while I just decided to keep it to myself and not tell people that I got close to, in fear of them leaving."

"Well you don't have to worry about me leaving, because I'm here by your side the whole way, I don't care how much you try to push me away, I'm not letting go of you, you are so special to me and I hope you know that," she said as she pulled you into her lap. You flinched at first, but quickly relaxed, wrapping your arms around her waist and placing your head on her chest. 

"I would like to more about how your diagnoses effect you, if you're willing to share that with me," Helena asked breaking the silence. You gently nod your head, taking a deep breath, while mentally preparing yourself for the conversation. 'When it comes to BPD, I have a hard time expressing my emotions in a controlled safe way and tend to feel emotions very strongly, which can lead to negative coping skills like, self harm. I tend to cut or burn myself when I fell strong negative emotions because I feel as though it is my fault that those emotions are even present in my life."

"I also engage in a lot of black and white thinking, which basically is a thought pattern that makes people think in absolutes. For instance, you may think you are either always right or the world's biggest failure. People with Borderline Personality Disorder also tend to have unclear or shifting self-image, unstable interpersonal relationships, mood swings, impulsive and self-destructive behavior like I mentioned before, a fear of rejection or abandonment, self-harm and suicidal tendencies, like the cutting, explosive rage which for me can mean punching or breaking doors or walls, feelings of emptiness, and a loss of touch with reality, which for me is dissociation which is a way the mind copes with too much stress, or in my case a traumatic event," you explain as Helena listens closely, encouraging you to go on. 

"When something traumatic happens, our body tends to have a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn reactions. The fight response is your body's way of facing any perceived threat aggressively, flight means your body urges you to run from danger, and freeze is your body's inability to move or act against a threat. Fawn is your body's stress response to try to please someone to avoid conflict." You tell her.

"In my case, my initial instinct was to freeze, it is sometimes described as a 'mental escape' when physical escape is not possible, or when a person is so emotionally overwhelmed that they cannot cope any longer. I couldn't get away from the person who was hurting me to my brain switched off in a sense, I felt as if I was disconnected from my body or as if I was just observing what was happening. I think that hardest part of all of this is realizing that none of it is my fault, and when I realize that it is true I will be better equipped to cope with the feeling from the trauma." 

Once you had finished talking you sat in silence as you looked at Helena, you couldn't tell what was going through her head. "I hope you know that I'm never going to leave you Y/N, you are so brave for telling me and I hope you know that you were amazing to trust me. Mental disorders are difficult things to process especially when they are just thrown at you and no one has explained what any of it means to you." She says

"I have to say that I am beyond proud of you for being able to talk to me about his and I hope that you know that I will always be here for you, now that I know about this, we can work together on a way for you to let me know when you are feeling worse so that I can be there to support you when you need it. I know that you may feel like I'm going to leave you because everyone else did, but I promise with all of my heart that that is never going to happen, I love you so much and all I want is for you to be happy, healthy, and safe." You knew that she was telling the truth and that made you feel safe. You stayed in each others embrace until Helena spoke up. 

"Little one, I know that you had mentioned some self- destructive behavior before and I want to make sure that all of those, whether they are burns or cuts are clean and take care of. Do you mind if I take a look at them," she asks in almost a delicate way, as if not to frighten you.

You silently agree getting up and leading her from the balcony of your apartment to the bathroom. You sit of the counter as she grabs the large first aid kit under the sink. She can see that you are growing more and more visibly anxious at the thought of her seeing your body but reassures you that there is nothing to worry about and leads you through an exercise to control your breathing.

"Everything is going to be alright little love, I want you to focus on keeping your breathing normal alight, do you think you can do that for me," she asks as she takes some of the needed materials out of the kit. You nod your head, letting her know that you agree with what she had said.

"Alright now love, I'm going to have to take off your sweatshirt in order to see your arms, are you okay with that," you nod your head, but she did not want that response. "Darling I need you to answer me with words." "Yes, I am alright with that," you reply as you continue to focus on your breathing. 

Helena makes quick work of washing the various wounds on your arms, never once making you think that she was at all mad at you. Once they were clean she let you hop in the shower to wash up since you had neglected to do so for a few days, while you were showering she picked up your room and the kitchen, and grabbed you a fresh set of clothes and one of her sweaters that had her perfume on it.

You hurried to get dressed not wanting to keep Helena waiting any longer. After finishing in the bathroom you made your way to your room where popcorn, your favorite candy and The Corpse Bride were ready for you to enjoy. You knew that Helena did not like to see herself in movies but when it came to animated ones she let it slide.

You quickly made your way to her, wrapping your arms around her, engulfing her in a hug, words could not describe how you felt at that moment, that fact that she took the time to do that for you was amazing and you loved every part of it. 

[nyanyachan]

Rekindled Ties - Byakuya Togami x Reader

Chapter 1: Meeting again

The sun was shining brightly on the first day of the new school year, casting a warm glow over the bustling campus of Hope's Peak Academy. Byakuya Togami stood at the entrance, his posture tall and regal as ever, flanked by his two new friends, Makoto Naegi and Kyoko Kirigiri.

As they chatted, Byakuya couldn't help but notice a familiar figure in the background. It was Y/N L/N, his childhood best friend whom he had grown distant from in recent years. He gave her a quick glance, trying to make sure if it's really her and not just a girl who looks similar to her. As he did that, Y/N looked over to him too, making them both lock eyes for a few seconds.

Y/N looked away first, but Byakuya couldn't shake the feeling that there was something off about the encounter. He hadn't talked to Y/N in years, and yet, seeing her again after all this time brought back a flood of memories and emotions he thought he had buried long ago. He wondered if he should try to reconnect with her and see how she's been all these years, or if it's best to just let the past stay in the past.

„Who were you looking at, Togami?", Makoto asked curiously.

Byakuya hesitated for a moment, debating whether or not to tell his friends about Y/N. Finally, he decided to keep it to himself for now. "Just someone I used to know," he said with a small shrug. "It's nothing. Let's go." And with that, the three of them made their way into the school, ready to start the new year.

As they entered the school, Byakuya couldn't help but feel a sense of unease. He knew that seeing Y/N again had stirred up old memories and feelings that he wasn't quite sure how to deal with. He made a mental note to try and avoid her for now, at least until he had sorted out his own thoughts and emotions.

They made their way to the sports hall where the opening ceremony would be held. The sports hall was packed with students from this new school year, and the atmosphere was electric with excitement and anticipation for the new school year. Byakuya took his seat between Makoto and Kyoko, trying to focus on the opening ceremony and push his thoughts of Y/N to the back of his mind.

Y/N was sitting a bit further down and away from the trio on the grandstand. However, she couldn't stop thinking about Byakuya. She eventually turned around and looked up at him with an emotionless face, not giving him a chance to read her emotions.

„Hey, that girl is looking at you again!", Makoto whispered nudging him with his elbow.

Byakuya glanced over at Y/N again, this time catching her eye as she quickly looked away once more.

„She wasn't looking at me, she was looking at you, Naegi." he said simply, trying to make Makoto think that maybe Y/N was interested in him.

Kyoko shook her head. „She was clearly looking at you.", she said in a firm tone.

„You must be blind then, Kirigiri," Byakuya answered in an annoyed tone. „My eyesight is key."

„Is it?", she asked and held up her hand. „How many fingers am I holding up then?"

Byakuya rolled his eyes at Kyoko's question, but before he could answer her question, she gave him a light smack on the forehead with her hand.

"Ow!" Byakuya exclaimed, rubbing his forehead where Kyoko had hit him. „What the was that for?", he asked irritated.

„I was simply giving you a reality check.", she answered.

Byakuya sighed, realizing that Kyoko was probably right. He stole one last glance at Y/N, who was now talking to a red haired boy that was sitting a bit further down from her. Byakuya couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy as he watched Y/N talk to the other boy. He knew he had no right to feel that way, but he couldn't help it, maybe that was due to the sibling like relationship they used to have.

Finally, the opening ceremony starts and four teachers walk into the sports hall.

„Welcome to the Hopes Peak Academy! I am Mrs. Monomi and a teacher at this very prestigious educational institution. Which is under the National „We're All In It Together" Initiative leading to „Ultimate Improvement" Status.", Mrs. Monomi explained.

„Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the stake and expelled!", a male teacher yelled from the back and walked a bit more forward, so he was standing next to Mrs. Monomi. „I am Mr. Monokuma and the headmaster of this school.", he introduced himself.

„Miss Yukizome, our new head of communication and our psychology teacher will tell you now which class you're assigned!", Mr. Monokuma said and Miss Yukizome stepped forward.

„Raise your hand please, when I call your name.", she said with a bright smile on her face.

„Togami Byakuya!" Byakuya raised his hand confidently, not wanting to show any weakness in front of his classmates.

„Kuwata Leon!", the red haired boy, who was talking to Y/N raises his hand with an exciting smirk.

"Maizono Sayaka!", Miss Yukizome called out, and a girl with long, blue hair raised her hand.

"Mondo Owada!", she continued, and a muscular, bald boy with a biker's jacket raised his hand.

Byakuya couldn't help but feel a sense of relief that Y/N's name hadn't been called yet. He wasn't quite sure why he felt that way, but part of him didn't want her to be in the same class as him.

Finally, Miss Yukizome called out, "L/N Y/N!" and Y/N hesitated a bit before raising her hand with a sigh.

Leon noticed how annoyed Y/N was and he turned to her.

„Hey Y/N. Now I get it, you have anger issues!", he said chuckling.

Y/N rolled her eyes and smirked. „Oh, that's only when I talk to assholes.", she said.

Leon chuckled again. „Cool, so.. are you gonna gut me with your shoe now, or?", he asked.

Y/N playfully punched Leon's arm, a small smile on her face. "Not today, Kuwata," she said, before turning her attention back to the front of the room.

Leon laughed and turned back to his three friends, who also happen to be in the same class. „I like her.", he said with a smile.

Y/N sighed and looked over to Byakuya again. „Oh christ, guess I'll have to talk to you again.", she muttered.

As she was still looking at Byakuya, she could see one of his friends whispering something him, which made her roll her eyes.

„Babe. Babe. Babe.", Leon tried to get Y/Ns attention again, as she was still looking over to Byakuya.

Y/N sighed yet again. „Sorry. But I'm not your babe.", she said.

Leon smirked. "Not yet, anyway," he said with a wink.

„Shut up, Leon.", his friend Mondo said to him. „Sorry about him."

Leon chuckled. „You're a tough one, L/N. I like that.", he said, before turning his attention back to the front of the room.

Byakuya couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy as he watched Y/N and Leon flirt with each other. He tried to push the feeling down, reminding himself that he had no claim over Y/N and that he had no right to feel that way.

As the ceremony continued, Byakuya couldn't help but feel distracted, his mind wandering back to Y/N and the memories they shared together. He wondered if he should try to reconnect with her, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it might be too late.

As the ceremony ended, the students start to leave the sports hall. Y/N packed her things and left without looking back. Byakuya watched her go, feeling a sense of regret and longing. He knew that he needed to talk to her soon, but he wasn't quite sure how to approach her after all these years. He made a mental note to try and find a way to talk to her soon, before it was too late.

Y/N was walking down the hallway. A strawberry blonde haired girl was leaning against the lockers, looking like she was waiting for Y/N.

The strawberry blonde haired girl looked at Y/N with a smile. "Hey there! I'm Enoshima Junko, but you can just call me Junko.", she said with a bright grin on her face. „And this behind me, is my sister.", she pointed back at a short black haired girl, who shyly smiled at Y/N.

Y/N gave her a small smile and nodded.

"Are you Y/N L/N? Your family is also wealthy and in business with the Togamis, right?" she asked.

„Guess so.", she said in soft tone and shrugged her shoulders.

„That's so cool! Aren't you like best friends with Togami then?", she started to ask more questions.

Y/N hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to answer. "We used to be close, but we haven't talked in years," she said finally.

„Oh, but he's so handsome, right? But still, I wasn't so impressed of him, since I've got a boyfriend.", Junko said.

Y/N nodded politely, not really interested in Junko's comment.

„Anyway, let's sit together! We should chat, cause, you know. We're the best looking in here. Sorry but we are. We should hang out, definitely!", Junko suggest with a smile.

Before Y/N could answer, Junkos face went from exited and happy to an annoyed one. She could see that Junko was looking behind her, so she turned around. Y/N could see another strawberry blonde haired girl with goggles on her head approaching.

„Oh no, here it comes. Total dirty slut.", Junko muttered in a disgusted tone.

„Excuse me?", the girl with the goggles said.

Junko looked her up and down, before she moved a bit so that girl could get past her.

„Who's that?", Y/N asked as soon as the girl was gone.

"That's Miu Iruma," Junko said with a scowl. "She's a total perv and always says the most inappropriate things. I can't stand her."

Suddenly Miu came back and was now standing behind Junko. „Watch out, Enoshima.", she started, but stopped when she saw Y/N.

„Wait, who's that cute girl with you?", she asked with a grin.

Junko rolled her eyes. „That's Y/N.", she said. „And you can't make moves on her, you're in a different class, which means you won't see her that much.", she rolled her eyes.

Miu shrugged. "I can still try," she said with a smirk, before walking away.

„Pervy bitch.", Junko said slightly irritated. „Whatever, come on. We'll get the best seats.", Junko started walking towards the cafeteria.

As Y/N walked towards the cafeteria with Junko and her sister, she couldn't help but feel a sense of unease. Something about the encounter with Byakuya earlier that day had stirred up old memories and emotions that she thought she had buried long ago. She wondered if she should try to talk to him and see how he's been all these years, or if it's best to just let the past stay in the past.

Meanwhile Leon and his three friends, Mondo, Kiyotaka and Chihiro were walking down the hallway.

„Notice how Togami was always looking over to us during the opening ceremony?", Leon asked.

"Maybe he's just jealous that you get to sit near Y/N," Mondo joked, nudging Leon with his elbow.

Leon chuckled. "Yeah, right. Like Togami would be jealous of me," he said, shaking his head.

Kiyotaka frowned. "I don't think it's appropriate to make assumptions about other people's emotions," he said in a serious tone.

Chihiro nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we don't know what Togami is thinking. It's not fair to make assumptions."

Leon rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay. I was just joking," he said with a smile. "But seriously, Y/N is pretty cute, right?"

Mondo smirked. "Yeah, she's definitely easy on the eyes," he said with a chuckle.

Kiyotaka shook his head. "I think it's important to focus on getting to know our classmates as people, not just as potential romantic interests," he said firmly.

Leon shrugged. "Hey, I'm just saying. It's not like I'm gonna make a move on her or anything," he said with a grin. "I'm just appreciating the view."

The group laughed as they made their way to the cafeteria, excited to see what the new school year would bring.

Byakuya, Makoto, and Kyoko had finished their lunch and were walking down the hallway. Makoto was chatting excitedly about his plans to join the school's literature club, while Kyoko was listening intently, nodding along in agreement.

Byakuya was walking a few steps behind them, lost in thought. He couldn't shake the feeling that he needed to talk to Y/N, but he wasn't quite sure how to approach her. He knew that he had hurt her in the past, and he wasn't sure if she was even willing to talk to him anymore.

As they reached their classroom, Byakuya hesitated for a moment before turning to his friends. "I'll catch up with you guys later," he said simply, before heading off down the hallway.

Makoto and Kyoko exchanged a confused glance, but didn't say anything as they made their way into the classroom.

Byakuya walked around the school, trying to clear his head and sort out his thoughts. He knew that he needed to talk to Y/N, but he wasn't quite sure how to approach her. Finally, he made a decision, when he saw Y/N standing by the lockers.

As Y/N closed her locker, Byakuya was standing right next to her.

"Y/N," Byakuya said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Y/N turned to face him, her expression guarded. "Togami," she said simply, her tone cool and distant.

Byakuya hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say. "You don't mind if I take the locker right next to yours, right?", he asked.

„Well", she began and looked down for a few seconds, before looking up at him again with a smirk. „You're Byakuya Togami, you can take anything you want"

Byakuya chuckled at Y/N's comment, feeling a small sense of relief that she wasn't completely shutting him out. "Thanks," he said, before opening the locker next to hers.

As Byakuya was putting his belongings into his locker, he couldn't help but feel nervous about talking to Y/N. He knew that he had hurt her in the past, and he wasn't sure if she was willing to forgive him. "Y/N, I know that we haven't talked in a long time, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for how things ended between us," he said finally, looking at her with a sincere expression.

Y/N looked at Byakuya for a moment, her expression softening slightly. "It's okay," she said finally. "I've had a lot of time to think about things, and I realize that we were both at fault. I'm sorry too."

Byakuya felt a sense of relief wash over him at Y/N's words. He knew that he still had a lot to make up for, but he was grateful for the opportunity to start over with her. "Thank you," he said softly, a small smile on his lips.

Y/N smiled back at him, and for a moment, it felt like they were back to their old selves again. Byakuya knew that they still had a long way to go, but he was willing to do whatever it took to rebuild their friendship.

———————————————————————————— Hello!! This is my first ever fanfiction, so I hope it isn't too bad! Also you can come up with a thing that Byakuya did. to Y/N in the past. Obviously Monokuma and Monomi are humans, since this is a non-despair AU.

[nocturnalghoul]

Back to haunt me once again

Remember how I said I had thoughts about murder ghoul’s playing with their prey like a cat with a mouse? This is that. I kept it pretty broad but if that is not something you are into I totally get it and I will be back to my normal bullshit afterwards (my next plan is super sweet fluff lol). These are a mix of little thought blurbs and ficlets

PLEASE READ THE WARNING BELOW

Like I said these are murder ghoul thoughts so general warnings of violence/blood/gore/excessive cruelty apply. Lots of mentions of being chased or hunted. A few of them get tortuous with their intended target. A few of the blurbs about certain ghouls have additional stuff beyond what is implied by murder ghoul, but I placed general themes next to the ghoul’s name so that you can know to skip that section and head to the next ghoul if it is something that will bother you. If there is anything else that needs to be added as a warning please tell me! I tried to think it over but there is always a chance I missed something 

Words: ~4k of murder ghoul AU cruelty below the cut.

Title from Hunters Moon (omg I actually used a Ghost song for something I wrote about Ghost? How have I gotten this far without doing so yet)

General thoughts:

For the ghouls hunting is not even really a matter of consuming their prey. Sure that is a convenient way to dispose of the evidence, but the thrill is in the hunt itself. Rarely are their hunts quick matters, instead drawing out over hours if not even occasionally weeks. The entire point is to satiate that hunter’s instinct deep inside of them itching to burst out and blow off some steam. 

Each ghoul scratches that itch in their own personalized ways. Sometimes these are things that mesh well with the another ghoul's particular brand of torment, and sometimes something all of their own. No matter what it ends with happy satiated ghouls so most of those in charge choose to sweep it under the rug. 

The sole occasional complaints on the matter come from Copia. He loves his ghouls dearly and would never dream of stopping their natural instincts, he only wishes that they would stop leaving remnants of their kills for him in his office like stray cats leaving their owner a bird on the front porch. 

He knows the ghouls are doing it out of love and respect for the man, simply caught up in the emotional payoff of the hunt and wanting to share with him, so he makes sure to never be mad at them. However, that doesn’t stop him from politely reminding them each time it happens that while he appreciates the gesture he would rather they didn’t. The ghouls try their hardest to remember this, but still are prone to forgetting as they get lost in the roar inside their minds after a successfully completed hunt. 

~~~

Swiss: shadowy figures; danger of the woods 

Swiss prefers to hunt in the daylight, but sometimes it simply didn’t work out that way and he had to make do. Being a multi ghoul was a huge benefit in this luckily. While his larger tricks normally played off of whatever element he was primarily attuned with at the time, his options were sort of limitless. Even when focused on one element he still could bring in small bursts of the other elements to help him along. 

Swiss always loves to hear the other ghoul’s hunting stories because they serve as excellent motivation and inspiration for what exactly he can do. Oftentimes he will borrow from another ghouls playbook and add his own twist to it, coming back to the pack to share the results. These however are only used in dire situations when he just can’t keep the instinct down anymore and has to start his hunt now. 

Something is needed to fill the space between all those elements and tie the multi ghouls magic together. Between all those gaps are pure shadows. Sure all the fancy tricks of multiple elements are fun, but that shadow deep inside of him is why he prefers daytime hunting. Most consider themselves safer in the daylight but he is more than happy to capitalize on that assumption. 

Today he is tracking somebody from the nearby town who was silly enough to wander into the deep woods separating the abbey from everyone else. He starts with simple elemental mishaps, a sudden unexpected hole in the ground or increasing the already sweltering summer heat inside the immediate area. He lets the man get more and more concerned about the fate of his adventure. 

Once the man seems worried is when he finally lets glimpses of himself be seen. A shadowy figure there one moment then gone the next. A distant menacing form lurching forwards with just enough purpose to make it clear the malicious intent. 

The chase is fun as always. Swiss lets the man slowly gain a lead until he breaks into a small clearing, stopping to look at the patch of trees behind him. It’s at that moment that Swiss steps into the shadow of a tree and disappears as if he stepped into a massive hole. 

The man relaxes, rationalizes that he must have been seeing things and had nothing to worry about. The second that relieved gasp escapes his target’s lips, Swiss steps out from the man’s shadow, all sharp fangs and cold eyes. 

“Ya know, it's not polite to run off without saying hello”

~~~~

Sunny: vision manipulation

If Swiss loves to utilize shadow for his hunts, Sunny is the opposite. It took her a while to figure it out, but her air/fire multi nature could be combined to manipulate light. It leads to her being the ghoul that Swiss most often asks to accompany him on hunt. She manipulates the light, creating or changing shadows for Swiss to play with.  

She does more than fine enough on her own though. Sudden beams of light bearing down on somebody always adds a nice discombobulated element to her general pursuits allowing her extra time to play with her target. 

Today though she is excited to try out something new. It was brought to her attention by Copia that sight is very much a light based activity and her mind has been running wild ever since.

This time she herds her prey for hours, a rouge wildfire here, a dissuading wind there, a few bright flashes along the way. Finally when she gets them where she wants them, bloodied and mildly burnt from their long struggle staring in horror as she stalks closer, she tries out her plan. 

In an instant the person's head starts whipping around in confusion. 

“Sorry about that lovely one, turns out you can’t see if no light makes it into the eyeballs” she lilts sweet as day with a soft chuckle. The blind stumbling around that the human in front of her insists on is almost cute, like a scared newborn animal trying to find its way. This is definitely going to be her new favorite game to play. 

~~~

Rain: blood manipulation; massive bleeding; loss of body control

The human body is 60% water, most people forget that. As much fun as Rain has out in the lake sometimes using his element to his advantage in his hunting, there were much more personal ways to have fun with it. Instead of the long chases that some of the ghoul’s enjoy, he could often get that cruel predatory instinct worked out within a small area. 

This sister of sin didn’t even hesitate to follow the pretty water ghoul deep into the woods. He barely finished asking if she would accompany him to Mountain’s cabin in the woods for the evening before she was blushing, enthusiastically shaking her head yes. He later overheard her gushing to her singular friend she had made since joining recently that one of the ghouls was interested in her. Both siblings had been debating leaving recently but between Rain’s plans tonight and Dew’s plans with the other sister it seemed the decision would be made for them sooner rather than later. 

He is in the mood for a drawn out process tonight, but there is plenty of time. The two are laid out on a blanket staring at the stars when the sister excuses herself to head inside for a moment. Halfway to the door her body freezes midstep, sending her tumbling to the ground. 

“Oh no sister, are you okay?” Rain asks, voice laced with fake concern before releasing the magical hold over her body. 

The sister stands up and brushes herself off, flushing embarrassed as he tries to figure out what happened. As she attempts to skitter off once again, her body freezes again, muscles traitorously taking her back towards Rain laid out on the blanket. 

“I see you didn’t need to leave after all” Rain notes with fake consideration as he pilots her body back towards him. Finally the sister gets her wits about her enough to start crying as she struggles against the hold on her blood and various body water that Rain is exerting.  

Once the crying starts, Rain finally drops the facade, rolling his eyes and watching the young woman collapse as he stops her blood flow momentarily, causing her to black out. 

As she comes back, seeing the predatory look in the water ghouls eye, he can tell she realizes there is no going back to the now far away abbey. The look of understanding that dawns on the woman's face is even tastier than he is sure her blood will be later tonight. 

Now that the taste of her blood is on the mind he can’t help but take a tiny taste, leaning over to where she lay in the dirt to make a tiny knick with his claw. 

He encourages the blood to hasten its escape momentarily, gushing faster than should be possible before he collects it in the empty wine glass the sibling left sitting on the blanket. Once it’s full enough he slows the current of blood back down to a tiny trickle. He did want to take his time tonight, forcing the girl to bleed out before his fill of fun does nothing to further that objective. 

The sip of blood mixed with the soft undernote of leftover wine tastes luxurious. He allows himself one more as he considers what plan to pursue tonight. Maybe a little blood loss confusion, maybe cut off circulation to her legs, the possibilities felt endless. 

~~~

Dew: burns and temperature manipulation; neurotrauma

Rain wasn’t the only ghoul to have fun with blood, he did have to learn it from somebody afterall. Ever since his transition though, Dew tended to play with it in a different way, mixing his fire with the last remains of water inside of him to create a blood boiling effect. That tended to end things far too quickly however, so it was not currently on the table for tonight.

He watched the sibling of sin shift uncomfortably in her seat as she fanned herself. Dew had slowly been raising her internal temperature 0.1 degree at a time over the last twenty minutes but finally was beginning to get impatient. 

“Oh no, is it too hot in here? My room tends to stay cooler, maybe we should head back there” he innocently suggested. He wanted to increase how quickly this was moving along, and luckily he had made small enough a change for the sister to only feel slightly uncomfortable so far. 

It was clear that she thought he was trying to make a move on her and had probably organized for the room to be hot so he could whisk her away. She giggled before following him to his room, immediately making herself comfortable in a big chair in the corner of the room. 

He released the increased temperature and smiled when she visibly relaxed further. 

All at once he cranked her internal temperature up drastically, taking in the way her face contorted as she shifted back past overly warm to shivering with a high grade fever. 

“Oh you don’t look so good sister, let me see if I can help with that”

The woman attempted to rise in a panic as he raises her temperature even further, crawling up to 106F. The general dizziness she was starting to feel makes her easy to push back down even without ghoulish strength, but Dew can’t help but smile wickedly at the handprint burned deep into her shoulder as she collapses back down in agony. It definitely was an unnecessary cruelness even for a pent up ghoul, but Dew had to admit it was a satisfying break to keep him entertained while he waited for her brain to essentially melt with the heat before setting her loose in the woods to stumble around leaving a trail for him to follow. 

~~~

Aurora: hypothermia

Aurora's ability to literally dazzle was always a welcome addition for any night of release for the ghouls. While she would help distract with pretty currents of her namesake, leading prey in one direction or away from the other, it wasn’t particularly deadly. 

At first the ghoulette would wait for her victims to get caught up in the swirling lights, then sink her sharp claws in, incapacitating them at the least. This did not do much to satiate that cruel predatory urge though, leading her to have to hunt more often. Luckily she eventually figured out something else. 

The benefits of her particular elemental nature meant that she could quite easily drop the temperature around her, allowing a chilling wind to accompany those hypnotizing lights. Between that and a subtle manipulation of the ambient moisture in the air she could get them hypothermic with minimal effort.

There was almost a benefit to being Aurora’s target compared to one of the other ghouls. At least her prey died peaceful enough. There was a large euphoria that overtook all of their faces as they watched the beautiful display in their final moments. 

Luckily for the other ghouls, Aurora’s small size made it so that she often had leftovers. The joy they felt before drawing in their last breaths seemed to sink into the blood and flesh creating a tasty treat.

~~~

Aether: forced hallucinations and isolation; memory manipulation; stealing of vitality (? I don’t know wtf to call it)

Aether loved a slow approach. He could play with a target for weeks if not months before he finally snapped and ended everything. Being known as a healer and somebody one could confide in had its perks. 

On the shorter end of his spectrum was the more physical of his typical tricks. Organizing small accidents for his intended prey, sending them to the infirmary. Each time he would heal them, taking something a little extra for himself. Slowly over time his victims would lose their typical vigor and physically waste away. 

There was only so long he could keep that act up before somebody started to get suspicious, hence the shorter time frame. It worked in a pinch when his malicious instincts kicked in a little too strong, but it was never ideal. 

His favorite way to play with his food was very much a mental game compared to a physical one. Small amounts of hypnosis to take and replace vital memories. Generating imaginary fights and grievances with loved ones that slowly lead the target to isolation. 

Once they had fully ostracized themselves from their peer groups was when he got to fully play around with his prey. The current sibling he had been working on had been a special project of his. He had been feeling up to a challenge and spent the last 6 weeks manipulating the formerly extremely popular sibling into making everyone else hate them. Well everyone but Aether that is. The ghoul made sure to make himself a loved confidant in the siblings mind. There for support going back way longer than the ghoul had even been topside. 

He leads them down to the catacombs below the abbey, the sibling stumbling behind him in a hypnotic haze. Finally once they are in the center of the dense labyrinth he lets the quintessence induced haze fade from their mind, allowing clarity to take them over again. 

“Oh Aether, where are we?” the sibling asks them like a scared child. The change from the cocky bastard they were before to this broken shell they have become sends a thrill up the ghoul’s spine. 

“In the catacombs buddy, we better be careful though. I’ve heard there is a horrible monster that stalks around down here.” He fake soothes, hand on the siblings shoulder. With the point of contact he reaches into the siblings brain, magic quickly snaking down what are now well used paths. He implants a quick belief that there is a monster out to get the sibling then leans back against the wall giving them a head start as they bolt away in fear.

He would probably catch up a few times and dig around in their mind a little longer before releasing all the damage he has done, letting the sibling come to the realization of how little their mind had been there own over the past month and a half. Then the true monster chase could begin.

~~~

Aeon: infliction of disease/infection/necrosis; intense pain

Aeon never quite took to the mental manipulation that Aether adored so much. Instead he loved a more physical approach, sometimes even letting the mostly dormant earth element inside of him influence his kills. 

Even new initiates knew about the healing properties of quintessence, but Aeon was a lot more partial to the opposite. Dulling pain and treating disease were such a powerful aspect of his element, but they were so boring sometimes. 

He has been feeling that deep seated bloodlust all day. Right as he is about to give up and go bother another ghoul to hunt with him, a perfect opportunity limps in. 

The sibling lights up that Aeon is still in the infirmary and finds their way to the examination table Aeon gestures them towards. The sibling is so caught up in the story of how they managed to fall out of a tree that they don’t even notice the way Aeon locks the door behind them. 

He does his best impression of a serious medical professional as he checks them over asking about their injury, but his natural silly nature bleeds through, putting the sibling at ease as a light chuckle escapes their lips before they wince. 

“Hmmm, it seems like you are in a lot of pain. Does it really hurt that bad?” 

The sibling mutters something about how it could always be worse giving Aeon the perfect opportunity. “Yeah, I guess it could be worse”, he chuckles before letting a darkness settle over his face, “lets see what they looks like, huh?”

He let thin threads of quintessence flow into the sibling’s battered form and rocket towards their brain, turning all their pain receptors into overdrive. They almost fall off the table with the way their body suddenly contorts at the pain. 

The effect slowly fades until there is no sensation left in the siblings legs at all. He can feel the siblings' panting and pained grunts wrap around that bloodthirsty need inside of him, beginning to soothe the urge already. 

“You know, I saw a documentary about how dangerous infections were for humans the other day, while we are experimenting, why don’t you demonstrate that for me as well?” he hums, waving a hand over the cuts on the siblings arms and legs. 

Much like a rapid timelapse the cuts and scrapes discolor as flesh swells and infection and rot take hold. He will have to throw away those sections, but watching the sibling attempt to crawl away is fascinating enough to make up for it. 

~~~

Cirrus/Cumulus: breath manipulation; gravity manipulation (I guess?)

Often siblings see one or both of the air ghoulettes walk past and feel like their breath has been taken away. They always attribute the feeling to being a natural response to seeing such rare and radiant beauties such as them walk past, but there is more to it than that. It’s really more of an exercise of control for the two ghoulettes. 

On this particular evening their little stunt seems to have attracted a pair of wandering admirers. The two girls set out the supplies for the picnic they had planned, and invite the young pair lurking at a distance to sit with them. 

Cumulus entertains the guy with silly little magical party tricks while Cirrus lounges against a nearby tree watching the two with a warm smile. Eventually the woman asks to see Cumulus’ favorite trick with a lovestruck expression.

“Why of course I can show you that sugar” she responds with a sweet chuckle reminiscent of tinkling wind chimes. “Would you mind helping me out Cir’?”

The other ghoulette puts on her sweetest smile as she slinks over towards her mate and the siblings of sin. She notices the way the man takes in her every movement, lust starting to fill his eyes and holds back a laugh. 

On the count of three the ghoulettes conjure up pillars of intense air, pressing down upon the siblings until they are stuck against the ground due to the force of the air around them. After a moment of watching the siblings squiggle uselessly against their magic the two dispel the effect with matching laughs. 

The two humans look at each other with uncertainty, before they both decide it must be some ghoul joke that they don’t understand. The two begin to laugh nervously as the ghoulettes exchange a silent look. 

“Now, my favorite trick is a bit different.” Cirrus continues, a dangerously smooth cadence overtaking her voice. All at once the ghoulettes make a beckoning motion, pulling all of the air out of the human's lungs. Once the panic completely overwhelms the sibling’s eyes and they seem on the edge of blacking out as they grasp at their throats uselessly the ghoulettes let the air return and then some. The relief of air turns to pained panic once again as the ghoulettes force the siblings lungs to hyperinflate. 

“This is the part where you two run” Cumulus laughs, voiced laced with just as much venom as honey. 

The two siblings take off in a dead sprint only to get shot up into the air as the ghoulettes do the opposite of their first ‘trick’. The pair end up half jumping, half stumbling in their run as the pressure around them changes continuously. 

“What a lovely date night treat, and there's even one for each of us” Cirrus remarks with a loving smile at her mate before the two take off in pursuit of the two humans. 

~~~

Mountain: Fungus; infection; loss of body control 

Mountain might be known as a sweet and gentle ghoul, but he is very rough on his toys. Luckily for those around the abbey he has a strict ‘no sibling of sin’ rule, but it’s not from any high personal morals that he holds himself too. There are loads of trespassers deep in the woods for him to choose from and he thinks they are a lot more fun. Plus it helps maintain a cursed vibe to the forest that keeps the nearby humans from stomping around disrupting things as often. 

Sure, he could always manipulate the nearby vegetation to ensnare his prey or manipulate the ground below them to swallow them whole, but those various tricks have always felt overdone and a bit too obvious in his opinion. No disrespect to the former earth band ghouls, as it was very much their scene but he has his own tricks up his sleeve. 

So often people forget the effects of fungus. A simple scratch from a ‘rouge’ spore laden branch or vine and the fun can begin. The wanders through the woods think nothing of the tiny abrasions, letting the spores take root without a second thought as they continue to explore. 

Mountain lets those spores propagate and spread slowly over hours. He lets his toy slowly fester as the network of hyphae slowly makes its way through their system. Only once it seems like the intruder is about to head out for the night does he finally act.

It begins with the network of fungus bursting out of the original wound, quickly pushing against flesh as it rapidly spreads and tries to find another way out. The hyphae push into the ground, traveling through the earth and reaching up to connect to Mountain nearby. If his prey were to look closely, which they never do, they would see the way the fungus feeds into his through his feet planted in the soil. 

There are so many differences between people and rocks, but essentially they both are amalgamations of carbon and minerals. This particular skill had taken lots of trial and error, but watching Dew and then Rain use their element to puppet their kills had given him the idea. Now he can stop his toys in their tracks, trace earth inside of them, freezing them in place. 

His favorite development of this realization was when he figured out he could slowly harden the flesh to something akin to petrified wood. Tonight though he only stops this particular intruder in their place and takes joy in watching the way thick roots replace the bundles of fungus as they push into the flesh, taking up residence where they don’t belong, nutrients quickly returning to the earth around him. Ghouls don’t really need to eat their prey, the elemental release and the thrill of pursuit were the real rewards. Mountain was more than happy to share his kills with the ravenous forest around him. Besides, one of the other ghouls would likely have leftovers if he was feeling peckish later.

[yssjj]

american psycho: he's just like me fr

In No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai, there’s a passage where the main character, Yozo, who is ostensibly Dazai (it is a semi-autobiographical book), struggles to figure out exactly what the hell his Sister wants from him in a fairly obvious situation:

“One autumn evening as I was lying in bed reading a book, the older of my cousins–I always called her Sister–suddenly darted into my room quick as a bird, and collapsed over my bed. She whispered through her tears, “Yozo, you’ll help me, I know. I know you will. Let’s run away from this terrible house together. Oh, help me, please.” She continued in this hysterical vein for a while only to burst into tears again. This was not the first time that a woman had put on such a scene before me, and Sister’s excessively emotional words did not surprise me much. I felt instead a certain boredom at their banality and emptiness. I slipped out of bed, went to my desk and picked up a persimmon. I peeled it and offered my Sister a section. She ate it, still sobbing, and said, “Have you any interesting books? Lend me something.” I chose Soseki’s I am a Cat from my bookshelf and handed it to her. “Thanks for the persimmon,” Sister said as she left the room, an embarrassed smile on her face…”

At this moment, Dazai/Yozo provides an accidentally hilarious moment through his lack of empathy. Even though Yozo faces similar despair, he is unable to connect sadness to the sadness of others. After several trials of this sort of situation where a girl comes to him crying for support (which despite his wishes is a recurring theme in his life), he has figured out a simple, effective solution—distract them with sweets, books, anything at hand, even a suicide pact.

Of course, this isn’t the correct “answer” to these situations. He could have just… talked to her! But this is impossible for Yozo because claims to be completely disconnected from her. And he’s too terrified to try to reach out. He imagines that all other people have a monster behind their mask, ready to attack him at will.

The entire book is like this, a person who doesn’t know how to interact with other people because he is actually terrified of everyone around him, which is all rooted in his feeling of spiritual isolation. The title is a direct statement of the narrator’s feeling towards the world around him—as someone who is just faking being human, what point did he have in existing when he has to live in fear of everyone around him, who is ostensibly better at this being “human” thing than him?

American Psycho was this to me, an attempt by another alien (Patrick Bateman) to decipher exactly what the hell is happening in 80’s yuppie corporate NYC. Or as he aptly puts it:

EVELYN  Well, you hate that job anyway. Why don't you just quit? You don't have to work. BATEMAN  Because I...want...to...fit...in. I think he wants to fit in!

Patrick Bateman has decided, unlike Yozo, that he will fit in. He—at least, consciously—believes that he is stronger than everyone around him. Christian Bale does an awesome job monologuing with the emphasis on monotone, dry, and powerful from his ability to seemingly separate himself from the riff-raff around him. This might be why a lot of men (from what I have heard, no citation given in this article) take from this movie that this is the way of a “sigma” male, one who is different from the rest of the pack.

(This is where I would submit my sigma male test score but I couldn’t find the screenshot.)

fear and anxiety

Because of all the (wrong) takes on American Psycho being anti-feminist because of its violence against women, or the idolization of Patrick Bateman because he can cull his competition, you would think Patrick is good at killing people. This is not true in the movie. Patrick Bateman is actually very, very bad at killing people. When he kills Paul Allen, he becomes a total wreck, running through his apartment to come up with some sort of alibi, slamming open closets and desperately packing together a cute little travel set. Not that I would know how to commit a murder, but you would think for someone who considers himself to be in control Patrick would have a better idea on how to proceed with this kind of thing. His answers to Detective Donald Kimball’s questions range from guilty to insane. When Detective Kimball asks him if he knew Paul Allen was missing, Patrick jumps to asking him if the “homicide squad” is deployed on the case.

He even panics out of a murder when Luis Carruthers hits on him because it’s so unexpected, ending with Patrick desperately looking for any reason to just leave (“I’ve gotta… I’ve gotta… return some videotapes.”—as a bonus, he uses this SEVERAL times in the movie to leave uncomfortable situations). He then washes his gloved hands in the bathroom in an attempt to try to return to a “normal” interaction. It’s not pride and power pushing him forward. It’s anxiety!

Like Yozo, Patrick is also afraid. When he lies to Jean that he got a reservation for two at Dorsia (his trigger word apparently), he decides that the only course of action is to kill Jean before they make it to the restaurant. To directly discuss the traditional idea of toxic masculinity (as referenced by the men who want to be Patrick), theory would say that Patrick kills to gain power over women or to flex his masculinity. But his pride isn’t on the line when he tells Jean that he got a reservation to Dorsia. And he’s not trying to be powerful and masculine when he decides that killing Jean is the only solution. His decision is a panicked answer to stay disconnected from Jean at any cost.

Just as Yozo accepts a suicide pact from a woman because he doesn’t know how else to comfort her while avoiding connection to her, Patrick decides with how smoothly he handled Paul Owen’s murder that staging another murder is a get-out-of-jail-free card from the impending doom of having to admit that he actually can’t get a reservation for Dorsia.

And his Dorsia fear manifests in reality as a personal hell when the maître d’ hysterically laughs at him, screeching, when he first calls for a reservation that night at 8:30 for a date with Courtney. The second time he calls he gets a normal response, with the maître d’ telling him that the restaurant is completely booked for the night. But Patrick’s fear response is already baked in from the first interaction he created with his own anxiety.

societal normalcy and self-acceptance

There’s something deeply relatable to the need to try to figure out what is “normal.” Especially, the further you might naturally be from “societal normal,” the harder it is to try to figure out how to get there. At this point, the proverb “be true to yourself” might seem to come into play. But our urge to be normal is because we want to connect to others. We want to not be alone, even if that’s at the cost of suppressing our true selves.

Patrick manages to fit in at the boy’s club at work by performing all of the gestures of the others, at lunch, at Christmas parties. But his true self is completely isolated from his coworkers. He’s someone who is unrecognized as his own person to the point that people mistake his identity for others in the group. His fiance knows nothing about him and doesn’t care to, even when Patrick is trying to tell her that he has homicidal urges. The only reason she’s even getting married to him is because they have the same friends and breaking up “wouldn’t work.” Even Carruthers only hits on him because of the clothing he wears.

But even when you fit in, you want people to understand you. So Patrick tries to connect with people over and over again. But when he does try,  it’s unreciprocated. The only time he can talk about his interest in pop music is with prostitutes he hires for sex—almost as if the sex is just an excuse (which might be why his violence is also focused on them). His jokes constantly fall flat with his peers. His joke about Ed Gein sticking women’s heads on sticks could be inappropriate (and is given the rest of the context of Patrick’s personality), but it’s a very vulnerable moment for Patrick. He is purposefully revealing part of who he is and receives worse than a bad reaction—no reaction. When your friends rebuke you, it’s a decision to reach out and connect out of care. No reaction is the choice to pull away.

And when he finally does meet someone who is genuinely interested in him as who he is and is willing to reach out to him, he is unable to complete the connection. Jean is the only woman in the movie who isn’t willing to mask to just “fit in.” When Patrick takes her out and talks to her in his condo, we can immediately get a sense of who she is because she’s telling the truth. But Patrick takes this vulnerability and tries to push it away from him—thus the attempt to kill her with a nail gun—and fails as his own vulnerability (he’s cheating on his fiancee) is revealed via inopportune phone call (from said fiancee).

Silence. Jean is obviously embarrassed and upset. JEAN  Was that...Evelyn? Silence. JEAN  Are you still seeing her? Silence. JEAN  I'm sorry, I have no right to ask that. Silence. JEAN  Do you want me to go? A long pause. BATEMAN  Yes. I don’t think I can...control myself. JEAN  I know I should go. I know I have a tendency to get  involved with unavailable men, and...I mean, do you  want me to go? Another long pause. BATEMAN  If you stay, I think something bad will happen. I  think I might hurt you.  (Almost hopefully)  You don't want to get hurt, do you? JEAN  No. No, I guess not. I don't want to get bruised.  You're right, I should go.

And at the end of the movie, Jean is the only one who is able to find Patrick’s “true nature” because she is worried about him after he calls her. Patrick doesn’t reveal who he is to her. She’s the one who searches his desk and finds the drawings he has made of his compulsions, of his real or imagined crimes against humanity.

violence

After violence, Patrick responds with desperation and panic. We even see this in Paul Allen’s murder, the one murder Patrick seemed to really enjoy, where Patrick scrambles to come up with something so that he avoids getting caught. Patrick claims to have killed Christie only because “she almost got away.” In the final chase scene, the consequences come for him at an amazing tempo; police cars surround him after the sound of the first shot dissipates into the air, he escapes but is surrounded again and forced into a shoot-off, then is chased down by helicopters.

But that’s ridiculous—it’s totally fantastical. Because these scenes are in Patrick’s view of reality, it suggests that he wants to get caught. Patrick wants to be held accountable because it’s the only way he could imagine others understanding the immense amount of pain he’s in.

Part of our connection to people who really like us for who we are is that they can help us understand when we feel off. We want our pain to be vindicated as something that’s not okay. In times of desperation, we want to be able to reach out to others and hear sympathy, or reassurance that we are right to feel that something is wrong and that we should go get it checked out.

Patrick describes his need to hurt other people as a consequence of being in pain in the first place at the end of the movie. It’s a call for help for someone to notice and get him arrested so he can get fixed. But Patrick is completely alienated. Beyond Jean, nobody else cares about him to bother being concerned. When he tells a woman that he’s into “murders and executions,” she mishears it as “mergers and acquisitions” due to the level of attention she’s giving that conversation. When he leaves a long, rambling confession of all of his murders to his lawyer, his lawyer first mistakes him for someone else, and then laughs it off as a silly joke. Even as Patrick tries to double down and tell him that he was telling the truth, his lawyer takes the reality of the situation (that Patrick is at least delusional, since Paul Allen is alive and kicking) and decides to tell Patrick off for taking the joke “too far.”

In Patrick’s last monologue after his conversation with his lawyer, he “surpasses” having anything in common with the least sympathizable people.

BATEMAN (V.O.) There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with  the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil,  all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward  it, I have now surpassed... INT. BATEMAN'S OFFICE - DAY Jean is alone in Bateman's office, looking through his diary.  We see the pages that she is looking at. They are filled with  doodles of mutilated women and their names...Jean looks lost  and frightened, and begins to cry. BATEMAN (V.O.) My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better  world for anyone. I fact I want my pain to be inflicted on  others. I want no escape. INT. HARRY'S BAR - EARLY EVENING  As the film ends the camera moves CLOSE on Bateman. He is  leaning back in his leather armchair, drinking a double Scotch,  his eyes blank. BATEMAN (V.O.) But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. I gain no  deeper knowledge about myself, no new knowledge can be extracted  from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any  of this. This confession has meant nothing...

He knows that losing his connection with even the most insane people will mean his internal pain will find no catharsis. Nobody can reach him and soothe his pain. So he inflicts his pain on others, even though it doesn’t help his pain, because it’s better than not doing anything. All he has left are the drawings that Jean has discovered, his last call for help.

Pain will always exist. But connection makes us understand that our pain is human, even our pain seems to come out of us in terrifying ways. In this way, Mary Harron has created a feminist movie by simply letting guys have emotions. The consequence of allowing men to have feelings is that they want to find other people who truly understand them. Patrick and his coworkers simply “fit in” but they don’t belong to each other, to anything at all beyond a sheer facade, a mask that can be put on and peeled off at the end of each day.

Then maybe we can rework toxic masculinity from being a way to have power in social situations to wanting to just “fit in” as a way to get some sort of connection to others, even if the people you hang out with don’t really understand you. But the consequence of this is that these shallow connections don’t fulfill us, and when we undergo pain, it becomes easier to take it out on these people that you don’t even like anyway, or people who aren’t even in your ingroup. When men see Patrick Bateman as a sigma male, is it that they see someone in control? Or is it that they see someone who shows a way to cope with the pain they feel, even if the method is violent and doesn’t even work, but at least it seems cathartic on the movie screen?

[saiyanlpkwife2013]

Midnight Siren

Chapter One: Beginnings

Romantic relationship: Hitoshi Shinso x y/n (female/AFAB)

General warnings: This is a SLOW BURN relationship (I'm so sorry it takes awhile). There will eventually be smut. Some chapters contain mature/dark themes (i.e., family abuse, sibling death, sex, cursing, etc.) This is also an aged-up fanfiction where the characters are in college instead of high school. I will do my best to put specific warnings at the beginning of each chapter. This is also my first fanfiction. All feedback is welcome so long as it is respectful. This is also a WIP. I'm hoping you all will like it as I'm really excited to share it with you. :)

Anything spoken/thought or from Shinso's POV will be in purple.

MINORS: DO NOT INTERACT BELOW THE "KEEP READING" BREAK.

You really didn’t know what you were expecting.

Having just been accepted to join class 1A in the hero course, you KNEW that you would need to train harder just to catch up. You made the choice to switch from the support course when you were told that you were wasting your quirk by tinkering with nuts and bolts. You never really considered your quirk as being something worthy of being called “hero,” so you always just stuck with your smarts. 

I mean... you thought, It’s not like it’s a super flashy quirk. It’s nothing like the ones I saw at the UA sport’s festival. I’m not sure what Mr. Powerloader means. I can read minds and affect the emotional atmosphere. Big whoop. It’s not like I can kick ass or anything. 

Thinking back on the fights you witnessed during the sport’s festival sends a bit of a chill down your spine. How am I going to compete with that? Remembering the massive explosions and the dramatic hand-to-hand combat was not something you had readily available in your wheelhouse. The most training you have in that regard was evasive combat training for the simple sake of being able to test out the effectiveness of different equipment projects throughout your support course studies.

But dammit if I’m not going to try.

After all, your smarts have gotten you this far and your gut is telling you you’ve made the right choice.

Of course, if not, you could always drop out of college and start some circus side show or something.

OKAY, DON’T FREAK OUT. It’s not like I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life (career wise)...I hope.

You lay back on your bed and sigh, thinking about all of the possible outcomes to your recent decisions. Feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, wondering if you really have what it takes to be a pro.

No, I don’t get to doubt what my teachers have told me. If they think I have the power to become a hero, then fuck my self-doubt. I’ll just figure it out as I go along. Plus, I’m not the only one transferring into the hero course so at least I’m not alone...

In an effort to get you and the other transfer student some additional training, it was suggested by Principal Nezu that you both be taken to the same training camp that ended abruptly for classes 1A and 1B just a short while ago. 

What could possibly go wrong?

Of course, the likelihood of something happening again was probably pretty slim. And it helped that it would just be you, the other student from general studies, and Mr. Aizawa. It would likely be difficult to get kidnapped when you were just one of two students going. Besides, you couldn’t be on any list for targeting. NO ONE EVEN KNEW ABOUT YOUR FULL QUIRK, except for a few professors.

Stop. Freaking. Out.

Taking a deep breath, you focus on your room in your tiny apartment. You grabbed a suitcase and packed enough of the necessities for two weeks. Mr. Aizawa didn’t provide much information regarding the type of training that you would be doing but seeing as it was at some sort of camping ground, you figured it prudent to pack for a more outdoorsy terrain.

After checking, double checking, and then triple checking, you determine that you packed everything and decide to get some sleep. Tomorrow would be here before you knew it and you had no idea what was in store. Better to be rested than sorry.

~*~

Walking up to the bus stop right outside of UA, you feel your heart start to race a little. Is this really happening? You truly had never dreamed of becoming a hero, feeling that it was just something out of your reach. Not to say that it wasn’t something that excited you, something that you had WISHED was possible.

It wasn’t long after the UA sport’s festival that you had been picking up on talk around campus. During one of the fights that took place with the top 16 students, the one from the general studies course had made quite the impact on the people in the stands. Hitoshi Shinso. You remember hearing around campus and even from some of the tabloids that UA had done a disservice by not having him in the hero course. Of course, the entrance exam would have been nearly impossible for him to pass since his quirk could only affect people, not machines, which is why he wasn’t able to pass. 

That would mean he is somewhat similar to me…

Of course, you also thought that this may have been a motivation by the professors to suggest that YOU consider transferring as well. At least, that’s what some of the “mindful chatter” led you to believe.

Wrapped up in your own thoughts, you suddenly hear outside voices enter your mind. 

Ah, yes, good. Right on time.

This must be the other transfer student. I wonder why she left the support course...

Aizawa was pleased to see that both of his new students were actually a little early to the departure station. Of course, early is “on time.” And you knew this without him saying a word.

Well, at least out loud.

You offer a warm smile to both of the men before you, bowing, and offer a sincere greeting.

“I’m excited for the opportunity to not only transfer but to also have additional training in an effort to catch up to the students in the 1A hero course. I know I have a long way to go but I just want to say that it is not lost on me and for that I am grateful.”

You look towards the indigo haired man and add, “If I may add, seeing you at the sport’s festival is one of the reasons I was inspired to transfer myself. I look forward to working with you, should you be so inclined.” 

He offered an initial look of disbelievement, followed by a shy and tired smile. He reached up a hand to rub the back of his neck. 

Aizawa was the one to break the silence. “Very well. I trust that the both of you will work well together, which is why we decided to have this two week training course with the both of you instead of just supplemental one-on-one training with me. Now that introductions are over, let’s not waste anymore time.”

Someone...thought I was...inspiring?

You climb on the bus after the two men, eyes still on the back of the other student. You smile to yourself as you could feel through Vibe his tired exterior lift a little.

~*~

The bus ride was fairly quiet. Thankfully, because it was just the three of you, there weren’t too many thoughts floating around in the air for your brain to latch onto. Both Aizawa and Shinso had a peaceful mind space during the drive.

Or maybe that was because they both looked like they had pulled all-nighters.

Either way, you were relieved that you didn’t have to try too hard to drown out anyone else’s thoughts during the nearly hour long drive to the training ground. But just for safe measure, and to allow them both privacy in their own thoughts, you pop in your AirPods and listen to some early 2000s emo/punk music and doze off during the drive.

The bus lurched and then stopped suddenly. Your eyes flashed open as you saw the two men reach for the handles to exit the bus, Aizawa exiting on the driver’s side and Shinso opening the passenger sliding door.

Suddenly, your mind was filled with unwanted thoughts from individuals whose voices you did not yet recognize.

Stretching slightly, you get up from your seat and grab your suitcase to disembark the vehicle. Upon your exit, you are met with some rather loud hellos.

“Hello and welcome to our humble training ground! I am Mandalay of the Wild, Wild Pussycats and we are excited that you two have decided to pursue becoming heroes! Myself, along with Pixie-Bob and Tiger, will be doing our best to assist you in your training here. We have been informed by Mr. Aizawa that your training might look a little different from the traditional training we are used to providing but what is a hero if they can’t be flexible?”

Interesting. So I wonder how different our training will be from the rest of our classmates? You attempted to sift through the minds of the trainers but there was too much happening at once to be able to latch onto any useful information as far as trying to figure out what you would be in for during the next two weeks. You were also interested in trying to better understand the other student here with you as you had heard around campus that “he wasn’t here to make friends.” You couldn’t deny liking the idea of a challenge and you had an advantage with your mind reading abilities. You admired his ambition but also recognized that the “frosty” exterior that had been running through the gossip mill likely had more to do with wanting to keep people at arm’s length as a coping skill rather than an actual desire of his...

You also had to chuckle to yourself when you considered the fact that the two newest hero course students had quirks that could do some SERIOUS mind-fucking.

You turn your head slightly to look at the two men who you just spent the last hour with in a quiet bus only to catch Aizawa staring at the both of you.

This should be interesting. You hear him think.

“Well, come on you all! We’ll show you to your rooms and then get started with the day!” Pixie-Bob exclaimed. Her mind was shouting in the same amount of excitement.

I can already feel a headache coming on...

~*~

After being shown to your room, Mandalay gave you a tour of the camp ground. It was nice, just her showing you as her mind didn’t scream as loudly as the other Pussycats. Pixie-Bob was just so full of energy and Tiger, while he wasn’t exactly the over-the-top type, his intensity for the upcoming training was putting a lot of stress on your mind.

“And this is where you’ll be able to freshen up whenever you get a spare moment. Since you are the only girl here, it may even feel like a spa day! You’ll have the whole spring to yourself. The boys have their own.” Mandalay gestured out a sliding door to a beautiful hot spring. Just taking it all in was enough to calm your nerves. It smelled heavenly, like lavender flowers and amber musk. The effects the sight and smells had on you felt as though you were using your own quirk against yourself, bringing everything to a calm, hazy daydream. That, coupled with the fact that it was outside, felt like the perfect place you would need after a hard day of training. Maybe this will be a nice two weeks...

“Alright, now that we have you oriented to your new temporary home, let’s get some training started!”

~*~

Well, this is different.

Obviously, training to be a hero is WAY different from training to be in the support course. You initially thought that the main objective would be to learn how to kick ass and take names.

But instead, Aizawa wanted you to work on endurance with your quirk.

Shinso was already set up in his arena working on whatever it was that Aizawa had instructed him to do. He appeared to be working with a similar scarf that Aizawa wore, something you had learned was a binding cloth used as a capture tool.

You recollect Shinso’s performance at the UA sports festival, though you mostly just watched the top 16 battle it out and not the Cavalry battle. You remember seeing him do virtually nothing to his opponent, Izuku Midoriya, and still manage to make him almost walk out of the ring without even laying a finger on him. Brainwashing...that must’ve been difficult to grow up with...I’m sure it made it difficult for people to want to be close to him.

The part of your quirk that you call Vibe allows you to alter the emotional atmosphere. As a result, it takes virtually no effort to feel empathy towards others, even with very little information about them.

You watch him from across the arena, seeing an intense look of focus wash over his face as he continues to work with the cloth that he desperately wants to master.

“Y/N, with a quirk like yours, I imagine it can be difficult to focus on one person’s mind at a time when you are in a crowded space. Is my assumption correct?” Aizawa paused, waiting for an answer he already knew.

“Yes sir, as a general rule. The more familiar I am with a particular person’s mind, however, the easier it is for me to pick them out of a crowd. With that being said, I’m not particularly fond of crowds for the very reason of having too much going on in my brain at once. It can be difficult to even know my own thoughts from someone else’s if there are too many people around. I often get headaches if I’m in that kind of environment for too long.” You reply confidently, knowing that your teacher, though you’ve only known him a short while, values a student who is able to accurately label their weaknesses so that they can be improved upon.

“I see. Well, I believe it would be wise for you to work on honing in on specific people’s thoughts in a crowded room as well as improve your ability to focus on your own. Once we are able to get you to a confident place, we’ll start by enhancing your range, meaning expanding the distance your quirk can reach in terms of mind reading.”

You nod, understanding the objective. “This makes sense, but sir, won’t I need some people around for that to be effective? So far, I’ve only seen the three Pussycats, yourself, and Shinso.”

“You bring up an excellent point. Which is why classes 1A and 1B will be joining us for a short time today.”

OH SHIT. I’m officially meeting ALL OF THESE PEOPLE TODAY?!

[cannibalcoyote]

Woodland Princess Ch.7: Turn of Events

Ch.6 Ch.8

I made my way back to the trolls clearing to see that they had placed some dwarves each into separate bags to keep them from escaping and in the middle was the rest of them tied to a log and slowly being rotisseried.

I nearly laughed when I saw this but smacked myself at the thought that I was their only hope and was laughing. I took out my daggers which shone with the starlights powerful energy.

I slowly crept into a tree that was over one of the trolls that was near the edge of the clearing. I created an enduring burning rage which caused the blades to burn hotter than the sun since they are able to use your emotions to your advantage.

I jumped out of the tree and before the troll could figure out what was happening I stabbed the burning hot blades straight through the top of his head which killed him instantly.

Since Bilbo was talking to the other trolls they had no idea what happened when their friend dropped onto the floor with no reason according to them.

I quickly disappeared back into the forest, nobody saw what happened, not even the dwarves, so they wouldn't be able to give me away upon their own stupidity. I was closer to the ground now and crawled underneath a thick bush close to a foot.

Without waiting, I stabbed its leg and dragged it down to the bottom of their foot, and by the time he shrieked I was already back within the trees.

I caught sight of a gray blue guessing it was an animal of some sort, but when the sun's dawn light started to deep through the sky the gray blur turned out to be Gandalf who used his staffs and broke a rock that allowed the sun's light to come through and burn all the trolls to stone.

I didn't want any of them to know I'd helped them because then Thorin would know I have my weapons backs and would save his life even though he made me feel like the ground they step on everyday.

I quickly hurry back to camp and tell Raerthar to say nothing or else they would believe I was weak. Soon enough they came back to camp, some slightly limping and others just fine.

Thorin sent me a glare and thought 'And that's why you don't have a weapon, because you wouldn't even help us even if we're about to die'.

He stalked past me and hit his shoulder into mine as a way to say 'thanks for nothing'. I made no move to respond, knowing it was a bad idea.

Gandalf looked confused when he saw what Thorin did since he knew I was postponing the trolls from killing them, but I told Gandalf none of them had seen me so none of them knew and that that was how I wanted to keep it. He reluctantly agreed thinking it was a stupid thing but nonetheless agreed.

"Mountain trolls down here, this is quite odd." I say to Gandalf as we pack up the ponies.

"Yes, now that you mention it, it is quite odd judging that they haven't been this far since the last dark power fell." Explained Gandalf as he tacked up his horse.

"I find it strange how a wizard and an elf never seem to shut up!" Shouted Thorin from across the area. We decided to search for a nearby cave the trolls must've stayed in and sure enough we found one that smelled of death and decay.

I held my nose as I walked into the troll cave. Gandalf went around and searched for swords I believe he said while I looked around and found an odd looking thing with a deep dark blue color that quickly changed when I put it on my finger.

When everyone finally left the cave, Gandalf and I mounted our horses but it seems the other horses bolted when the trolls attacked so everyone else was walking which made me so happy at the looks of anger and jealousy Thorin threw at me when he was tired of trekking and carrying the things on his back the horses would've carried instead.

We stop at the edge of the forest where a plain opens up to drink and eat quickly. I slide off Raerthar and slip out two apples and a carrot then find her a patch of grass to eat while we're waiting.

"You know that food is much better off being given to a human other than some animal." Says a voice behind me. I turn and see Dwalin I quickly respond,"

"Why? Did you want one?" I say as nicely as I can and pull one out of the saddlebag and make sure to grab Raerthars attention without Dwalin noticing. I hold out the apple, he reaches to take it but I quickly throw it out of his reach to have Raerthar jump into the air and grab it.

The look Dwalin gave me was one of pure hatred but I laughed, hearing Gandalf chuckling slightly as well.

Ch.6 Ch.8

@tigereyesf

[sorcerous-caress]

You said we don’t talk about Jubilee’s assimar ex enough ai here’s the tea on that. You are right on the money with your assumption that Jubilee doesn’t get believed at all. Fun lore tidbit canary’s are scared birds to Bahmut so I imagine this particular assimar takes after a canary soft round shapes and golden wings and hair making jubilee’s sharp horns and tail looked even more fiendish by contrast. Jubilee is pretty naive and when a pretty angel lady told her she was special for her magic of course she was all over it. It stung a little when people at the church said goodness of her gold dragon magic helped her over come her “evil nature” but Jubilee was pretty desperate to learn anything about her powers and was fairly smitten with the assimar who saw her as useful and as she didn’t have a grasp on human emotions like love didn’t really realize she was leading Jubilee on romantically. The assimar did have some care for her as someone blessed with Bahmut’s/Metallic dragon magic and that made her useful and as close as the assimar could find to someone that understood them. The romantic feelings though completely one sided on Jubilee’s end.

What’s very fun is how this affects her dynamic with Dame Alyin and to a lesser extent Isobel. She frees Alyin obviously she’s aware not all assimar are one and the same and she refuses to stoop to the level of those who were awful to her. It’s very interesting because she clearly cares for and feels a lot of compassion for the both of them but also seems terrified of Alyin. It’s very funny because she like dose a nice gesture for the both of them and then runs off before she can be thanked. Like she packs a little picnic for them both says “you guys have been working hard you deserve a break” then promptly shoves the picnic basket at them and bolts. Eventually the fear slowly gets replaced by jealousy/ wishing that this was how it was for her. Eventually Isobel and Shadowheart corner her to try to figure out what the hell is going on and she reluctantly explains the situation with her ex. One of them ask why she didn’t mention it and Jubilee just says in a really resigned tone “why would anyone believe me.” however with everything on the table she manages to settle into a more normal relationship with the moon gals.

I also keep debating whether or not I should have Jubilee be followed by canaries as they are Bahmut’s sacred bird and she was at one point pretty devout to him. It would also contribute to the facade of cute because haha princess girl with birds following her but surprise the birds are a reminder of religious trauma/a reminder to act properly. But also like I’ve put her through enough as is and I also sort of like the Jubilee as a canary metaphor not only are they Bahmut’s bird and jubilee feels as if she’s Bahmut’s property before the three selenites convince her that she dose have free will and the Selune is way cooler but also canary’s are used to warn miners if poison gas but die in the process and the way Jubilee burns herself trying to help people matches it. Either way the song Canary in a Coal Mine (https://youtu.be/37iREbROyb0?si=DJ33WR5OjgUSm4qd) is the most Jubilee song ever.

When you mentioned the assimar resembling a canary, all I could think about was that line, "but a crow doesn't know the smell of carbon monoxide." How people's favouritism for canaries and hatred for crows could apply for Jubilee and her assimar ex, what is her name btw?

But also in how only canaries can spot it. So the miners don't have any other choice but to trust it. Even when that canary lies or exaggerates, people will always believe an assimar crying wolf because only they can see a soul as it is.

"Why would anyone believe me." Why would anyone believe the crow's cries over the canarie's songs? At least that's how they look like on the surface, the people can't see past the exterior to Jubilee's warnings of dangers that they brushed aside.

There is also Jubilee's morals demanding nothing less than perfection of her. She scolds herself for even considering thinking of Dame Alyin badly because of her ex, yet deep down she still fears her all the same. Because she is a person with flaws and emotions that can't always follow what's morally right.

She survived a cult like church but not without scars in the way she expects every pleasure to be accommodated by eventual pain to repent for it. Or how she does good deeds but can't handle being thanked. Aware of it or not.

Jubilee wanta to join them but she doesn't feel like she deserves it, or maybe she doesn't think they deserve someone like her, a "fiendish tiefling."

That deep down she is secretly afraid that she really is as bad as those churches said she was. So she overcompensates with kindness to make up for an imaginary monster inside her. Avoids Dame Aylin in fear that canary could also spot the carbon monoxide inside her.

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

OFMD 2.05 - "The Curse of the Seafaring Life" Thoughts - Part 2

The Ed and Stede edition! This also includes some more general thoughts on the show and how I'm feeling about it right now. (Spoiler alert: very good, almost unendurably emotional.) Spoilers under the cut!

Here's a link to Part 1, more general thoughts on this ep edition!

Look how much I wrote before getting to Ed and Stede. Am I a hero, a sort of goddess of self-restraint? Who’s to say? But yes.

Their chat in the corner was so cute and I really liked how it was a return to their easy friendship; it felt so nice after so many episodes of separation and drama to see them in their element again, just doing their thing! Stede being so unfazed and unintimidated by Ed, despite The Past Horrors, will always delight me. And I find it so charming how Ed has no resentment of Stede whatsoever for being captain and just wants to help him figure it out and come into his captain-y power. Echoes of their early days!

So, I felt like we were probably going to get some sort of echo of “You wear fine things well” in this episode due to it being number five, but gosh, they really just did it exactly perfectly beyond our wildest dreams, huh? 😭 As soon as they were standing in the same spot, and then it cut to the wide shot with the moon as Ed showed off his fish – oh, the heart-skipping thrill of that! (Also, Stede’s reactions to his story were SO CUTE. So supportive!) And Ed echoing “You wear fine things well” in this way where you can totally tell they both remember that moment so hard and it’s so seared into their minds and hearts and he knows exactly what he’s evoking – ugh, so sweet. The way it’s working on levels – where it’s evoking a romantic memory for them that they’re now in a place to openly acknowledge as romantic, but also functions as a love letter to the fans since the show knows just how pivotal that moment was and how that was sort of the moment that changed everything … it just worked so seamlessly packing an emotional punch (or perhaps the lovely opposite! An emotional hug!) both within the context of the story for the characters and for us. It reminded me a lot of when “Reflecting Light” started playing at the beginning of Luke & Lorelai’s wedding montage in the Gilmore Girls revival. Just that sense of, Hi guys, we see you, we love you, we love this fictional love and it’s so important from the show itself. Idk. I’m a mess! It’s so thoughtful and kind! It feels like being held by your television show!

Ed sidling up to that kiss so pretend-nonchalantly!!!! And that kiss!!!!!!!!! In the moonlight!!!!!!! And Stede wanted to keep kissing!!!!!! Passionate hands in Ed’s beautiful hair!!!!!!! I loved that, like with Pete and Lucius earlier, this scene didn’t just end on the kiss as is often the cinematic tradition, and that it went on to have the handholding and the relationship chat and then just a more general fond chat. I just thought that was so nice. And the whole vibe of them spending the episode apart and then coming together at the end to love on each other and share stories from their day – ugh, what is romance if not that??

Them walking away together chatting fondly instead of sneaking last glances at each other and then going in separate directions like in 1.05!!!!!!!!! The new flag is up!!!!!! Sometimes, just for a bit, everything CAN be perfect, actually. 🥰 David Jenkins & Crew, nobody’s doing it like you. Thanks for the love.

General Thoughts

I MISS ZHENG AND AUNTIE, COME BACK ASAP!

(I also miss The Swede and Spanish Jackie. Come back too!!!)

I’m kind of embarrassed by how heartbroken I feel that we only have three episodes left. I think I wish they’d dropped episodes 2.01&02 together and then done one a week afterward, just because it was such a long wait and it’s going by too fast, nooooo! In particular, I think I would have really liked a break between 2.04 and 2.05 just to really sit with the feeling of Ed and Stede’s relationship mending before it hurtled so beautifully and sweetly forward into another kiss and tentative coupledom. Like, having to wait for 2.05 for a week after 2.04 would have been nice, I think. But I’m just in total fangirl despair because I love this show so much and nothing will ever be like this show again and I’m so terrified we won’t get a third season and so this is just a total emotional mess for me. I wish I was still more of a crier than I am, because I could use a good cry about this one!

I know this is just one small thing in the larger abyss of suffering in the industry right now, but the fact that the cast can’t post about or do interviews about this season as it airs just breaks my heart for them. I feel so keenly, perhaps embarrassingly sad about it. That it was so highly anticipated and made with such love and that they’re having to miss out on this incredibly special time and keep silent, when we don’t know if we’re going to get a third season or know how long the strike is going to go on or if they’ll ever get to talk about the show as it’s airing again, is so god damn sad to me. GREEDY STUDIOS KEEPING THIS STRIKE A NECESSARY ACTION, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!! FOR A LOT OF REASONS, BUT THIS ONE’S EXTREMELY SPECIFIC AND IT STINGS AWFULLY. HOW DARE YOU POISON OFMD SEASON. I hope that the cast are seeing the love they’re getting online and feeling the love in its vast, warm glow. We love you and your glorious work!!!!!!!! Thank you for this love letter in the shape of a perfect season of TV!

This post [that had to be divided into 3 posts on tumblr!] is almost 3,000 words long! 🤪 And I’m sure I forgot to talk about so much! It is incredible to me how much they fit into these half hour episodes. Just a veritable antique shop in the middle of nowhere of riches!

[skylarmoon71]

Eobard Thawne - (Flash) AU Chapter 5

For the next couple of weeks, you’re distant. You’d confided in Iris and asked if they could all just give you space to figure out what was happening. You couldn’t deal with any more surprises right now. You were barely keeping it together managing a college class. Luckily this version of you kept excellent notes.

“Just saying that sounds crazy.”

There is no other version of you. It’s obvious that your decision has created a new reality. So while they believe they were with someone this entire time, it’s just the end product of the universe filling a hole.

After a day of fumbling around in the class, you were finally relieved. Teaching was a lot harder than it looked. You’re packing up your items when you hear the door open.

“I’m sorry the class is over.” You advise.

“I’m aware.”

The familiar voice of Joe West has you lifting your head. He walks down the short flight of steps, and you swallow.

A part of you had been keeping a distance because these aren’t the people you know. You thought that if you stay away, then maybe you wouldn’t have to think about the pain you experience every time you remember that you may never see your friends again.

Joe is standing right in front of you now. You take a step back.

“I should have come to see you sooner. When Iris told me you needed time I lectured myself to stay away. I guess the paternal side won.” He gives a short laugh and you swallow. You aren’t sure what to say.

How to feel.

“I understand that everything is different. But regardless of the timeline, I’ll always be there for you. You’re my daughter (Y/N). I love you, we all do.”

Hearing those words sort of break you on the inside. You speed away in a flash of pink sparks. Joe looks around, running a hand over his head.

Your running only halts when you get to an abandoned warehouse.

You scream.

“DAMN IT!!!”

Why were you being punished like this?

What had you done to deserve this?

All you wanted was to help Barry and the others survive. You wanted to help. But being here was painful. The constant reminder that you were alone, even surrounded by different versions of the people that you love.

Even Joe West here was the same. It appears that he’d taken the mantle of raising you the same way your reality of him had.

Although you’d met Joe later in your life, he was there for you. So many times when you were struggling or needed inspiration. When a fight had gone wrong. Joe stepped in to be a voice of reason for everyone. He was an extraordinary man. In every reality it seems. You laugh through the tears of the irony of your situation. It’s ridiculous to get so emotional. At least in this reality all your friends weren’t your enemies.

Life could be worse.

You wipe your eyes, walking around in a circle to calm yourself down.

It was reckless running out like that.

Your head turns when you see the familiar streaks of red.

“(Y/N) are you alright!! Joe called and he said that you were..”

His words die down when he stops rambling. Taking in your state. He keeps his distance. Eobard pulls himself together. He finally gets a proper breath.

“Is everything okay?” His tone is much calmer.

“I’m okay. Seeing him so suddenly was just a lot to process. But I’m fine.” Eobard nods.

“I understand.”

He looks around.

“Do you..do you want to walk back with me?” His hesitancy isn’t what you expect. Every time you look at his face, you sort of prepare yourself for that devious smile. Those red eyes. But each time, all you can see is care and worry. It leaves your mind in disarray.

How was it possible for you to not see a killer when you looked at him?

It’s not easy.

“I’ll walk back with you.” Your tone is soft.

“Alright.” He turns a bit slowly, walking and you follow behind. You’re still a couple paces behind him. But he can hear your steps, so he’s relieved.

With all the change that you’ve encountered, a part of you is curious about your relationship.

“What were we to each other?” His body grows stiff, and his pace slows just a little.

“What do you mean?”

“Are we just friends?”

You want to know more. Because it may be the first step in figuring this out. In the event that you can’t get back, you’ll need to find a way to live here and not have a constant panic.

“Why do you think we were more than friends?”

“Because of the way you keep looking at me.”

He stops, and so do you. Eobard turns.

Maybe this is why you’ve been so unnerved. This man is wearing the face of the person you’ve hated for so long. Yet everytime he looks at you, there’s no hate. Just warmth.

“Would it make much of a difference? We were enemies as far as you remember. What good would it do if I told you more.”

“I’m not sure.” To be honest you’re just reaching. It’s possible that he doesn’t have that type of relationship.

“Just forget that I-”

He’s right in front of you, and you jolt. When his hand lays on your cheek, every part of you freezes.

“It would be stupid for me to hope for more when you can barely be within two feet of me without looking like I’ll strike you down.”

You gulp.

You’re scared, maybe terrified. Your heart is going far too quickly.

But you can’t truly differentiate why.

He’s proven that he means no harm. But your body is conditioned to fear that face.

His face.

“If I were in love with you would that make a difference?”

It sounds like a plea.

He knows it’s a bad idea. You look so startled, but he can’t help himself. He’s spent years pining after you. Hoping for more. Just recently he thought he’d made progress. The both of you grew closer. But now that all has fallen away and it hurts. So is it not justified that he should be just a bit selfish? He leans in, nothing but his racing heart in his ears.

His lips press gently to yours.

He expects you to push him away. Punch him. Slap him. Something. But for the first few seconds, you don’t move. He’s not even certain that you’re breathing.

Just as he decides to pull away and save face, your hands move down his shoulder. You lightly grip the lapels of his coat, and you reciprocate the kiss. He’s anything if not surprised. You lean into him, and his arms wrap around your waist.

“Is this real..?”

He’s not certain. But it feels that way.

Your lips part for the split of a second, and he can’t seem to stop himself. He deepens the kiss. Unsteady hands venture around his neck and into his hair.

“How does she know..”

That’s a weak spot, because when you tug lightly, he moans.

Eobard is the one to pull back. You’re both equally as winded.

There is still a bit of chaos in your eyes. But behind that he can see the silent plea.

“Please don’t break me..”

You don’t say those words, he can read it from the vulnerability in your eyes.

“I won’t hurt you.”

He says aloud. You say nothing, just hug him.

It’s possible that you’re still lost, terribly confused. But you’re putting your faith in his words, and it makes him feel happier than he ever thought he would feel.

He just holds you, because at that moment. You both need it.

[inaaontheskyways]

Pittyober, day 13: hide

And here’s my 2nd piece for @stormyykat’s Pittyober, this time with my privateer of the Shatterhands, Titania Xandros, and her experiences in Aquila! Altho, I gotta be honest here, I’m not really sure about this one b/c it got me stressing the whole time I wrote it, pfffft, even to the point where @brewbellwizardry had to help me with the editing, so pls be kind here 😭🙏🏽

(CW under the cut: really gory, it’s just a gore fest up in here ngl-)

There is nothing that Titania prides herself in more than her gift for strategy.

After all, she originally came from a long line of warriors whose specialty was to know every tactic and trick in the book of war from cover to cover, so of course she would end up the same, even if not on the same battlefield as she had expected—wanted—it to be. Though, it isn’t like piracy is much different, really. Raiding an enemy ship and taking its resources for the crew’s own benefit isn’t unlike the ones she had been trained to perform as a soldier, with the only real change being whether a pack of yum would also be included with the gold payment.

As the second-in-command of the Shatterhands, it isn’t far-off to say that Titania’s strategies are what pulls or even saves them from the missions that they go on, nor would they have been half as successful if not for her input. Her captain and the rest of her crewmates know it too. She can think of all sorts of ways to get under the enemy’s skin and figure out what makes them tick, and to do it as efficiently as possible that makes the best use of everyone’s skills and resources; but most impressive yet, that always ensures their survival first. ‘Know thy self, know thy enemy,’ as they would say. And she would usually hold that philosophy close to her chest, a reminder to always stay cool, collected, and calculated with her plans, lest they end up failing—and failing the others by extension.

Although, there have been times where Titania would forgo her tactics because fuck it, I just want this bastard dead and now. Some opponents happened to be real frustrating pieces of shit to go up against, be it due to exceptional strength, speed, or plain stubbornness; so she would have to get a little more messy, more carnal with her moves than she would normally prefer to do. But even then, she wouldn’t let those emotions run too far away, no, those were to be kept on a tight leash. She could never let them consume and keep her from seeing the full picture, because for a member of the Shatterhands, of the Alexandrous, the mission should be her number one priority above all else.

Except, when it comes to revenge, it is a whole different story.

Because the Shatterhands are nothing if not vengeful.

A smile that is blinding and full of madness—ecstasy—is spread wide over Titania’s face, lazily twirling the handle of her xiphos as she follows after the trail of blood left haphazard through the palace hallways. Her pace is leisurely, looking more like someone out on a morning walk rather than a hunt for murder. It drips from her victim’s battered body in the same way spilled wine does at a party, carelessly lost in his rush to get as far away from her as possible, stumbling around like a frightened drunkard and bumping into furniture along his path. She chuckles darkly, finding the situation not only amusing but downright ironic to her. It is almost nostalgic, knowing that she used to be in that same position; desperate, terrified, and stripped of her pride, begging with all of her heart to be given his help, his support… only to be met with nothing more than a sneer most devastating, I don’t have time to deal with vermin.

Oh, how the tables have turned, muses the blonde with another chuckle, hard and low, gaze predatorily sharp when it catches her victim collapsing onto the floor. He lets out a pained groan, trying to get up, but the wear-and-tear of his body only allows him to drag himself across the floor, staining its once-pristine surface with long, messy streaks of blood. A weak position like that allows her to finally catch up, but really, she has only been walking slow to fuck with him, mock the fact that he now has to limp just like she does; yet is too pussy to handle what she always lived her whole life with. Her boots shake the marble, purposely creating loud stomps with her braced leg to startle him bad even if it stings. He’s about to find that there are much worse to deal with than a sickly leg.

“Dear cousin Antinous…” greets Titania with a drawl, though its nonchalance doesn’t match the sadistic gleam in her eyes, reddened like rubies, like anger—like death. Kneeling down, despite its being braced, she digs her knee against the said man’s back, not caring for the painful swell that is building into it; those ugly cries are just too therapeutic for her to let up. “You’re pretty bad at hide-n’-seek, y’know? You’re not supposed to make it obvious where to find you.”

“Fuck you!” her cousin screams out, hoarse yet defiant, wriggling around in a futile attempt to free himself of her tight grasp, “I only did what I had to, any other man worthy as I would’ve done the same! I’m an Alexandrou, I deserved that position, it was always mine to take!”

Titania scoffs, “Oh yeah? Don’t remember our duties involving treason or betraying the Emperor,” and moves the xiphos towards his neck, threatening to slit it if he speaks another wrong word. “Doesn’t seem as profitable now that you’re in this position, though, huh?”

Suddenly, her cousin’s body begins to tremble from underneath. She cocks a brow questioningly, until sounds of grating laughter cawed out of his beak, equally-red eyes staring up at her with a shine of demented glee within them. Clearly, he isn’t considering her warning nor the fact that he is at her mercy right now, as if this is still five years in the past and he can continue to play her for a fool without retaliation, string her along like the puppet he once forced her to be.

But Titania isn’t someone to be used and strung along anymore.

“Oh, dearest cousin,” he spits the term out disdainfully, “Wouldn’t you of all people know that best? You were the one who was caught with that package, with reason for treason. None of that was ever connected to me.” he smirks when he notices that she has grown quiet, grip loosened up on her blade ever so slightly. “You really think that by revealing me, the family will commend you and take you back in? That they’ll finally see you worthy of respect?”

He cackles further, “You can delude yourself all you want, but you’ll never amount to anything, Cousin, you’ll never belong. There’s no point in trying, not for you. You coming back here was a fruitless endeavor, and you and I both know it because even after all this time, you’ll always be worthless—”

Then, he ends up cutting himself off with an abrupt, loud screech of agony, accentuated by the sickening crack of his shoulder, Titania’s hand firm on his wing and twisting it all the way backwards in calculated silence. She digs her nails into his skin, watching it draw another wave of blood against his pale feathers, mulling over the curiosity that if she were to apply more pressure, will it completely snap off? Hang and lay useless like a noose by his side?

Well, wouldn’t that be quite a sight to see.

“How- how dare you! What’re you, some type of brute!?” screams her victim still, thrashing and slamming his other wind against the floor, “Wait until I get out of here, I will ruin you, I will be the death of you, do you hear me!? You’re nothing but a little bitch, you are dirt beneath my feet, you’re a defect who should’ve never been born—!”

“Hoh? You really mean that, my dear cousin?” the pirate pulls him up by his shoulder, straining it even more forcefully, causing him to choke and gurgle from the pain.

And finally, there is fear in her victim’s eyes, widening at the full realization that not only will he not make it out of here alive, but not even his death would be quick and painless either. Not when he sees her face and the vibrant furor that has fully consumed her, grin wide and teeth bared like the fangs of a predator, seeming just about ready to eat him all up and pick his bones clean from a silver platter of her own making.

“Perhaps I should show you what it really means to fear.”

[minseologs]

if tenderness was measured by how much one was in pain

Minseo had learned at an early age that if she wanted something, she would have to earn it in ways that would please the other so much to the point that she would accept pain and suffering on her own. It applied in everything in her life, as if that was the only thing she had ever come to know. The root could be traced back as far as when she was born. Always off to the side, uncomfortable in the public’s eye when her family acts as though they didn’t spite her existence previously. It was always a surprise when others have come to realize that second child was there as a spare. Soft-spoken in a lot of ways, there wasn’t much to talk about her aside from her supposed kind nature on the surface.

It wasn’t new that she often rejected people’s help and only took the ones familiar to her. There was always an initial assumption of needing something from her due to the fact that whenever her own family displayed any sort of will to assist or give, it would usually mean they needed something else— anything. A reflective form of response. For many years, Minseo had thought being kind was like this. A mere transaction to get by, most often with financial depth. It made her happy, somehow. The mind set has trickled down to the point where she had already hurt people without knowledge. Her entire existence is to give and give, until there is nothing left.

“--Fucking hate it when I’m feeling this way.” Minseo’s voice cracks as a single tear rolls down her cheek, wiping it away as quickly as it came. The emotional toll of being captive in her own hospital room had caught up and she’d be lying if she said it didn’t affect her. “I don’t understand why I can’t be home. Won’t it be safer? Wenhan’s there to care for me— Xian's been watching me so he can vouch.”

“That’s the thing, Miss Choi.” Her legal advisor looks over reports of challenging authority, most of the trouble she’s put herself in had been akin to people watching her every move. “Your excuse for this behavior could be possible from the medication, but excessive force and — ‘attempt to asphyxiate’ a guard — is out of our league. This isn’t a place we can handle things easily. I’d have to bribe hush money and erase records of things here— do you know how difficult that was?”

She looks on, her recklessness has caused even more isolation. Minseo felt more like a prisoner of a place that shouldn’t have felt the way it did while everything around her continued.

“I have a feeling this is more than just what had happened—“ her advisor flips a page, to look on. “You’ve been too erratic lately. How can we know you won’t be the same in Seongbuk? On top of all of it, the trial is still finishing up. We can't do anything but hide you away from everyone.”

Minseo kept her lips shut, thinking about how things would’ve been better off if she just didn’t survive. She admits, the feeling of just being content was so distant.

“We’ll go ahead and arrange for you to meet some psychologists. Talking to someone aside from the two will help, I’m sure. You’re not a lost cause.” She watches as the woman packs her things and heads for the door. “Why don’t you talk to your other friends? Talk to staff and try not to kill them?”

“I’d be a nuisance…”

-

"Why?" A voice on the phone challenged the idea. "It can't be a private donation if you're giving in large amount. This is a private institution."

""You're my financial advisor, let's figure it out. There has to be a way..."

"Well, you can make a charity event. Pass it off as multiple donations."

"I don't want to bring anymore attention to myself, thank you." Minseo furrows at her reflection in the mirror of her room, watching the time with thought. "What if it's like a small gathering? passed off as charity, by me. No press, no attention. Just the department and a few friends or something. We always did that for the orphanage."

"It's different, Miss Choi. Even then, I'd have to ensure your name is not with in this." the man was distressed with the request. "How am I going to split a hundred million won in between the orphanages and then the hospital all of a sudden?"

"I was in my session today that I found out the hospital is cutting annual financial support for therapy considering they found other things to worry of... how sad is that?" she chimes over the phone, looking of her reports. She had another week to show them she can sustain survival on her own. She was eyeing one nurse that appeared easiest to be kind to. "I swear... it's like sometimes I was meant to know things at the right time."

"I'm sure they're doing their very best to get you out."

Minseo was simple in life, but gave more to people who could need it without being asked. She was a patron of many associations under her name, even more so than her family. But what was a charitable deed on the surface for the rest to see was her own selfish reason to fill a void in her. A reason to cope. The gratitude filled her with joy even if she wasn't recognized. Still, even in the end, she kept looking for kindness in the wrong places. Defining it with tainted feelings and devoid of its purpose.

"Yeah.. I've been told 'money buys happiness' right?"

[sencilla-mentelibros]

Eat Pray Love

I really enjoyed this book. It brought me hope.

Liz is in her thirties and struggling with her life, so she decides to go on a journey to find something. Or «everything» as the cover of the book says. She is in a difficult position in her life because she doesn’t want what we, women, are expected to want. She doesn’t want to be married anymore, doesn’t want children, doesn’t want the dull life she is carrying… when in truth she ought to be grateful. Grateful for the people around her, the house she lives in, the job that puts food in her mouth… She is miserable though. She has many things, she enjoys social stability and economic easiness, but she lacks emotional and mental stability.

With this book she confides in us all these thoughts that torment her: «why she can’t keep a relationship, why she ruined her marriage, why she messed up things with her boyfriend, why she can’t get her act together, why she’s not living in a nice house raising children as any respectable woman would». And yes, sometimes this comes across as self-pity, but most of the times, it comes across as a complaint. Just as she knew ―and knows― that is difficult to take a different path for herself, rather than the established by society.

So, she decides to go on journey. A well-educated woman decides to pack her bags and go live in different countries for a year. To learn, to seek, to find. It is a very relatable book for me. Not because I am able to stop everything and go away tomorrow, no, but because I am in my early thirties as well, and I thought I would have everything figured out by now. Maybe I didn’t picture myself following convention, but I sort of thought things would be different. So, in a way, this book has taught me that it is okay. I am not alone in this life. We share the same feelings even when we are different, living in different countries, speaking a different language.

Liz schedules some months in Italy, some in India and some in Bali. A full year. And she divides her telling in three chapters: «the pursuit for pleasure», «the pursuit for devotion» and «the pursuit for balance». In her mind, these are three things that were missing in her life, so she must seek and learn how to bring them into her life. She starts in Italy, and she meets many friends. She puts on weight and walks around the streets of Rome. She avoids sex though. It is a sworn celibacy. She wants to find herself and not jump into another relationship without having grown up. So, she tells us about the beautiful language, the beautiful imagery (fountains, frescos, paintings, scenery, etc.) and the beautiful history of Italy. It is all beautiful.

We get to see the world through her eyes. The friends she makes. The way she lives. All depicted with a beautiful, straight to the point, full of adjectives, language that keeps you turning the page. She is funny as well. So «walking» this journey with her is enjoyable. There are parts though, where she goes and broods over her past, her decisions, her pain, her shame, over and over again, but she always comes across. She fights these behaviors and tries to be better every day. That is something to learn from.

This repeated brooding happens all along the book, however it is more severe during her stay in India, where she gets to confront her thoughts every day. Living in an Ashram and being dutiful. She meditates every day, even if she is not good at it or doesn’t feel like it. She eats healthy and make friends with everyone. It is, in fact, thanks to Richard from Texas that she learns this beautiful lesson: learn how to select your thoughts and love yourself. She often thinks of her past, but she also has transcendental experiences. According to her, she experiences many moments with God ―not really complying to a specific religion― and she finds shorts periods of enlightenment that help her throughout her journey.

Finally, she goes to Bali, where she is in the pursuit of balance. We learn a lot about Indonesia by reading her, through her experience we get to see what the Bali system is. In Bali, she keeps discipline. She meditates and visits a medicine man called Ketut. She learns how to balance devotion and pleasure. She finds what she’s been looking for.

So, Elizabeth tells us the struggle she endured at an age when we aren’t supposed to. Maybe she left a lot of comfort, yet she gained other (un)conventional things instead. She found different pleasures in life that are not common to a traditional lifestyle. She depicts her travels with historical annotations, imaginative descriptions and with a lot of feeling. Her personal experience becomes one in which you can submerge. You can accompany her through all. Bad and Good.

This is a story on how one can find her own way to fight loneliness and depression. She says you don’t have to comply into society just because you have grown a certain way. For example, she is in favor of cherry picking your religion, as long as it guides you and provides you with love for yourself and others. She gets very spiritual and yet it doesn’t feel like she is forcing a speech or her own views. She conveys a sense of «this is my journey, feel free to follow your own». She gets to experience anger, frustration, guilt, but also love an acceptance. Personally, I believe she is, in fact, searching for peace. As we all are. And she learns how to be and remain herself.

Fecha original de publicación: agosto 21, 2022.