#and i thought 'yeah not me haha im totally normal'

[dietbeverage]

Sometimes I remember a conversation I had with my mom around the time they were learning about my younger sisters adhd and she said "a lot of people with adhd need to do something to occupy themselves to help their brains think. A lot of them doodle or bounce their leg or do something like that in class and it helps them focus." And I remember thinking yeah I do both of those things but I'm built different lmao I just do those for fun and not bc of adhd. Girl...

[shivroyslut]

my life would’ve been fixed if any educator or caretaker in my early childhood just looked at my behaviour and went hmm maybe this child should get tested for something

[star-dust-shark]

pjo characters as weird and dumb things me and my friends have said

Percy: what the fuck is cockblocking like I can't block ur cock on Snapchat

-

Will: UUUUUUUGH MY ASS HURTS- ooh look a butterfly

-

Leo: I CANT FIND MY PRETTY STICKER- AW FUCK- SHIT- MY VAGINA- OOAOoOoOOooAHAHHAgh

-

Jason: I can't actually believe I just agreed with you but hey here we are

-

Reyna: why the fuck am I friends with any of you hoes

-

Piper: should I...? too late I did it

-

Will: the best way to rizz someone up is by rizzing them up *turns to friend, winks horribly* hey baby girl

-

Rachel: one sec getting my anger out *aggressively splatters paint on canvas*

-

Annabeth: sometimes I'm smart. When I'm smart, I'm smart. *awkward thumbs up and grimace*

-

Octavian: fuck the gays they should all die ... I mean I could fuck some gays

-

Hazel: I'll make you tea but not in a sweet way I'll make it so hot in burns your tongue and you can't speak for a week

-

Frank: hey guys check me out I'm a furry on drugs *WOOOF WOOF BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF*

-

Grover: I love plants :3 specifically magic mushrooms but like

-

Leo: I mean I would totally fuck you but like respect man

-

Will: Ugh fuck my life I hate everything *coldplay starts playing* I retract the previous statement I fucking love life

-

Jason: UGH UR ALL SO DUMB but I'm in

-

Nico: if u wanna kys clap ur hands *rapidly claps hands*

-

Piper: *hypnotizes u with my beautiful blue orbs* come over to my house

-

Hazel: respectfully hope you die <3

-

Frank: I'm on acid what's it called when a ton of cats jump on each other a dog pile or a cat pile

-

Reyna: OH THANK GOD- sike I don't believe in that motherfucker hahahha

-

Annabeth: I'm so smart *holds up the one good test I got in school* see the teacher even gave me an 11/10 because I wrote my name in a cool font

-

Leo: UUUUUGGGGGHHHH IM SO HORNY- *mom walks in* oh hi mom how are you

-

Will: we can just... fuck. as friends though no homo.

-

Rachel: IF I DON'T DRAW SOMETHING IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES I AM GOING TO MAUL SOMEONE

-

Octavian: you all suck and I hate you *silence* no wait come back

-

Someone: haha ur gay

Nico: yeah??? and ur not?? like don't knock it until you try it dick is yummy man

-

Hazel: someone just told me what smearing is and honestly I kinda wanna die *fix you by coldplay starts playing* LMAO WTF

-

Frank: you sad ass emo dog just be happy

-

Percy: I Am OnE wiTh ThE oCeAn AnD HopEfuLLy aLL oF ThE hOt MerPeOpLe In iT

-

Leo: *talking to literally nobody* hey guys!! gonna go get my top surgery! *shows up at claires*

-

Reyna: I only wanna die sometimes and that's normal right

RIGHT

-

Will: *playing guitar* haha look guys I'm fingering A minor *strums violently*

-

Jason: screw men *eyes widen* I should start taking my own advice ngl

-

Will: *listening to a playlist that Nico made him* ugh my emo ass boyfriend and his stupid music I hate him *proceeds to write his name over and over again in diary with hearts around it*

-

Nico: what if I strangle someone with a pair of earbuds

Will: please don't

-

Leo: *in demonic voice* LeAf *eats it*

-

Nico: *pulls gay flag out of pocket* omg it's u

Will: *shuffles around in pocket, finds condom* ... it's u, vanilla flavoured

-

Leo: my name's Leo

Percy: and I like jugs

Nico: I'm mentally ill

Leo: and I'm on drugs :D

-

Jason: is there anything better than pussy

Piper: I thought you where gay

Jason:

Jason: my boyfriend's trans?

-

Will: the temptation to fuck an emo boy rn is killing me

-

Leo: the masculine urge to

Leo:

Leo: I forgor

-

Will: that's good!

Nico: like me in bed

*silence*

-

Leo: smash or pass Ryan Gosling

Nico: SMASH

Will: PASS

Solangelo: *glares at each other*

-

Nico: omg stop with that song

Will: but

Will: but you can take me hot to go :(

-

Annabeth: yeah

Percy: yeah

Annabeth: *in funny voice* yeah

Percy *hentai moan* yEEEAAAaaH

-

Leo: *pointing at Nico* EEEEEEWWWW AN EMOOOOOO EWWW

-

Jason: never ever look up what an eyesha erotica lyric means

Reyna:

Reyna: oh you poor soul *pats back*

-

Nico: I can't breathe

Will: just

Will: breathe air

Nico: I breathe drugs

-

Piper: I'm gonna go play basketball

Leo: haha play with my balls

Jason: already do

Leo: *chokes on air*

well that's all sorry for the torture, thanks to @localcosplaymushroom, @crowwolf8, @justagremlinoncaffeine, and @secret-mewtwo for all of the funny convos that went into this

[phantomdecibel]

Hnnngggg,,, Polites being so full of kindness he managed to practically be the narrative for a good chunk of a saga and technically be the reason the crew lived, indirectly, via lotus fruit .

Eurylochus being so full of kindness that it killed him . Killed all of them .

I feel like it’s a direct parallel to how Odysseus views that kindness . Y’know ?

Aughhh I’m just obsessed with them . In my head I’m already constructing ways for Polites & Eurylochus being toxic yuri . (Mildly disgruntled coworkers)

OOOOOOUUUUUUGH YEAH THEIR PARALLELS. THEIR PARALLELS AND IN HOW ODY VIEWS THEM HAVE GIVEN ME RABIES HAHA I MEAN NO YEAH IM TOTALLY NORMAL ABOUT THAT THOUGHT. DEFINITELY.

polites being so full of kindness that it saved them. odysseus twisting that kindness until it kills.

eurylochus being to full of kindness that it killed them. eurylochus caring so much for those living that it would have saved them, had anyone been willing to listen to him.

the angel and the devil on odysseus’s shoulders. but which is which? my god it is so late.

[carmillas-girlfriend]

🍊??

Thank you for playing my silly little ask game!!!

I really hope my Olu Thoughts measure up because you're Oluwande Expert. 🥺

OKAY SO haha. I talked a little bit about how I got into OFMD on my Jim post (spoiler alert: it was for Jim). But I REMEMBER sitting at my best friend's house talking about TV shows and we were talking about that gay pirate show we had both just watched at some point in the past. And she was going "oh yeah, did you hear they made a second season?" And I said "whhaaaat??". My first watch through of OFMD did not make me sick in the head. I was very normal and casual about it after just watching s1. So I started to attempt to recall what OFMD was even about. I could not remember Stedes name. I could not remember Ed's name. I could not remember Izzys name or the majority of the plot. But I was like "oh yeah! And that couple! Jim and Oluwande!" NEVER SAY IM NOT A TEALORANGES GIRLIE. (I also remembered Frenchies name. Probably because I find Joel Fry dishy.)

ABOUT OLUWANDE ACTUALLY: I personally don't know why we decided after Ed and Stede ran off to do their Inn Thing that Frenchie would be Captain? (This is nothing against our favorite peanut allergy having hottie.) It's just that during the Izzy Mutiny, the crew got together and decided that Oluwande would be the perfect leader??? I would mostly understand Zheng actually captaining the Revenge, but if she didn't want to for whatever reason, it just feels like it SHOULD go to Oluwande. ANYWAY.

Again and again Oluwande shows that he's not just a capable leader and good crew mate, but he's also a helpful guy who's kind and soft and funny. He cares deeply for Jim and wants them to be fed and comfortable often in s1. (I also talk more about TealOranges in my Jim post but just know I love them and we were robbed of Jim and Olu kissing while Jim was still in the beard and nose. That would have been so delicious.)

Someone posted on here somewhere at some point that they aren't as invested in Olu/Zheng because there was more telling than showing and I'm so sorry guys but I totally agree. I have nothing against Olu/Zheng (and I'm a closed quad Garlic Soup Truther) but nothing hits like TealOranges!!!!

I love that Olu is such a good friend to Stede over and over again! Especially when Ed fucked off the boat to go sit on an island with Calico Jack overnight and Olu wasn't allowed to go back into Frenchie and Wee John's room (because the sitting nook is for SITTING, Olu, COME ON) and so he goes to sleep on Stedes couch while Stede spies on Jack and Ed all night. Stede talked ALL NIGHT and Olu could have gotten up and found somewhere else to sleep but he still laid on the couch and gave Stede some fucking moral support during the break up.

Hey does anyone else kind of low key ship Frenchie and Olu hahahahaha....unless

[castlebyersafterdark]

What you wrote about giving blowjobs was just one of the most beautiful descriptions of that sex act I've ever read, and I've read a fair few sexology books.

The isolated point of focus? The strangeness of being physically close but also still kind of far away from them, from their face, their breath and expressions? It's not something that's discussed but I've always been fascinated with the physical spatiality of sex. Camera angles in porn and movies can also make lovers look oddly far away from each other, whereas it's not that far irl. it's like looking at your foot and thinking it's so far away from your body yet it's still part of you and controlled by you. I also think dicks have this energy - a hard dick is just there, it almost doesnt look like it can fit or belong to the body haha (see those steve + jeans gifs you posted - he is BUSTIN out of those pants hahaha it's obscene!)

i too want that magic for mike and will - imagine how will would feel when he looked up and saw that mike was not only allowing him to do this, but enjoying it? and thank you as well for talking about this because i definitely grew up thinking that giving a BJ was debasing and i would only ever be at the whim of the man, and that he might even do something that would hurt me because it felt good for him (happened to lots of friends) and i couldnt find a way to make that kind of submission gel with my values, so i've ended up avoiding giving BJs in general. reading fic and seeing headcanons like this makes me feel like it could be possible i would find a partner who is respectful and let's me 'go at my own pace' like you said. maybe its just because i can't believe i would ever be able to make anyone give me 'that expression' just by touching them.

vinny i genuinely thought your fav sex act would be the same as will's (🍑🍑🍑), so im surprised by this revelation! hehe

Oh geez, that makes me feel some sort of way, so thank you 😌 If you have a passion, speak from the heart I suppose 🤣🤣🤣

But jokes aside, it's the honest truth! What I hope I do here is give a little different sort of introspection and just a different viewpoint on this sort of stuff, because I just enjoy speaking freely and honestly, sure there's fun in the crude and silly, but I also think that bringing back a little romanticism to talking about sex just helps when the vibes too many places only treat it as a total joke or a taboo. Normalize. Get a little lofty. Embrace being passionate. Explore a fantasy. Look at things from different viewpoints. I'm a really, really sappy guy. I'm know I'm pretty different. And I like that.

Glad you enjoyed my vision for them, it's just so!!! Yeah. And everyone has different journeys. I've alluded to certain things about myself and your mindset and comfort levels and interests can change over time. Or you decide, hey, that's actually not for me. But at least thinking and considering things is good, no matter what. We're always learning and growing.

And we would think, right??? Hahaha. Definitely a big fan, but not quite the number one. I don't know, I can't explain it. Well, I totally can, but something about framing personal insight through the guise of fictional characters is one thing, but when i shift too specifically and too directly about myself, it feels overly graphic haha. But I uhhhhh. I really really love doing that. It is what it is. Live without shame I guess, that's what I've been trying to say 😘😉

[anophelei]

cw csa rape idk venting

if you come at me for this i will kill you btw

genuinely as a victim like despite being entirely in favour of killing your rapists (i would if i could lol, and im specifically not talking about victims here too) it's so fucking disturbing how people respond every time allegations come out against someone 🙃

(its about those people like ... they're in the comment section on news articles n replies of tumblr callouts saying like "every piece of pure filth like this needs to be strung out by their entrails every pedophile and rapist should be made to suffer" despite you knowing full well they raped one of your friends at a party and dateraped your other friend at a bar ... and everyone else too✌...)

like people who resolutely could not give less of a fuck about victims all crawling out of the wood work to froth at the mouth together about stringing the freaks from the ceiling ??

its just .... call me crazy but it's not fucking normal for your response to hearing about someone victimizing children to be to flock together and engage in purely masturbatory mass ritual self aggrandizement !!!!!!!

its so clear how little anyone cares about the victims i mean ... i could count on one hand the amount of times ive seen someone so much as spare a thought ... or wait would i have to cut all my fingers off to do that ? ive never seen someone respond with any expression of sympathy or grief or sadness or fucking anything !!!! those gestures are pretty hollow sure but that just means we're beneath even hollow gestures from strangers it's fucking awesome heheee

its just so transparent too it's not about fuck man that's awful my condolences its about THEIR disgust get the fuck over yourself dude boohoo poor you just so fucked up that you got grossed about while trying to be a voyeurist freak :o( die about it

like you're not the victims, you don't know them, you don't even know the piece of shit who did it. this has affected you for a grand total of five minutes while you further exploited the victims. its not your place, and tbh you don't have any fucking right when you've never so much as Thought about us, which like, how do you even care at all, but especially this much, when we literally don't exist to you ? if we only exist for the sake of being victimised and voyeurised and matter so little we're not even worth your trite consolence then what the fuck do you care about any crime against us ???

okay no wait fuck ... they're ... are they genuinely this pissed off about someone ... 🙃 i was going to say they only care about being disgusted that someone gets off to children as a joke but it's fucking not that's literally all that matters to them, we only exist as fucking props to them, like what. the fuck. okay yeah ive been sitting here for 30 mins processing the fact that ... most people are purely disgusted by pedophilia Just Because. like the reason it matters is because It Does. haha. like um i knew people didn't care about csa victims but :o( huh. wow.

like guess i just thought that everyone was normal and .. like .. imagine caring so little about csa victims that they aren't even the reason why you think csa is even a crime, or bad, or a bad crime, or even something that has any fucking moral significance at all. pedophilia doesn't matter because of the immense amount of trauma and harm it will cause to a child who is unable to comprehend the potential consequences and thus is unable to consent, it only matters in any way because It Just Does It's Evil. post cancelled i need to die and then drink too much n i cant do either :o(

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[ofallthingsnasty]

Your last answer to another anon dropped so much lore!!!! im so invested in your ocs and reader characters(along with how you write Micah haha) its not even funny lol And it honestly made me sit down and try to figure out which of the reader characters( along with their kids) in 'capture kill' and 'through the briar' have it the worst💀 So I thought I would post my findings lmaoo

Bill Pros: Reader is actually allowed to go outside by themselves😱

Can yell at Bill and vent frustrations😂

Have a super sweet mother in law that will help you out as much as she can

Bill actually financially provides for you and your kids

Probably live in a pretty nice house

Cons: Can go outside but not without Bill making sure you smell like him, jealous old man smh -_- so lets hope you can walk afterwords💀

Deadbeat dad that is barely involved with the house work and raising the kids

Will not stop smoking near your kids

Reader is probably never allowed to say no when Bill wants some ass cause he sees her as property🥲

Poisons your sons with a bunch of toxic masculinity bleh

So I would give an 8/10 on how much it would suck to be married to Bill, would still choose him over Evan any day tho ( Evan is scarier in my opinion😭)

Evan Pros: Evan is an actually an involved father

Does love his son and raises him semi-well

Probably also live in a nice house( if you are even allowed out of the basement to see the rest of it)

Is pretty loving to the reader( unbearably so ugh)

Will help out with housework and keeping everything in order

Cons: Reader is never allowed to touch grass ever again

Will lose 'privileges' if she acts out 😬

Your son probably thinks its totally normal that mommy is kept in the basement, and is probably being taught that kidnapping your future partner is completely fine👌

I give an 9/10 on how much it would suck to be married to Evan, honestly being stuck with him sounds awful🥲 You are forever trapped and if you act out, you get punished, badly.

Micah Pros: He leaves reader in peace for extended periods of time so she doesn't have to deal with his bull that often

Reader can better protect her kids(especially her son or sons ugh imagine two or three mini Micahs running around🫠) from Micah's influence since he's gone for a lot of the time

If we are going with the canon, then reader only has to deal with Micah for a couple more years🙃

Cons: Reader and her kids are struggling financially cause Micah probably only gives her 10 bucks and a box of crackers to tie them over for the next month smh

Don't think he ever actually officially marries reader, he probably just pulled the good old 'you're mine now no take backs' move on reader lol

Micah doesn't really have much, if any form of affection for you(definitely doesn't love you💀 he cares more about his guns than you lmao) So don't expect him to treat the reader well just because she's the mother of his children.

Micah will be one of those mfs that demand his husband 'privileges' from you whenever he comes back home ugh

Probably live in the middle of nowhere in some run down cabin that Micah 'removed' the previous occupants from😶

Will poison your son or sons with toxic masculinity and with generally awful life lessons yikes

I give a 10/10 on how much it would suck to be married to Micah. Being stuck with this blonde bastard sounds like hell omg, please shoot him now John lol😭

After thorough research (lmao) In my opinion its a close match of who has it the worst between the reader that is stuck with Evan and the reader from 'through the briar'. So yeah I would choose Bill if I really had no other choice😓 But if you read this ridiculously long list hahaha, who do you think has it the worst?

Holy shit, anon... You SAT DOWN and ANALYZED who has it the worst between these two fics? I am actually speechless, this is such an honor omfg.

(Also lmao you're so funny "If we are going with the canon, then reader only has to deal with Micah for a couple more years🙃" and "Micah probably only gives her 10 bucks and a box of crackers to tie them over for the next month smh" I am cackling)

I think you're spot on, actually. Evan is really easy to underestimate but he's genuinely... not well when it comes to you. I think I mentioned it somewhere in an answer to an ask ages ago, but he actually has no issue with seriously hurting you for what he perceives to be "the greater good". That includes either taking a limb or shattering (and not properly mending) bone. Yes, he'll probably cry while he does it, will swear up and down that he hates doing this (and he does, he does) - but he has to do this. He's not the fun type of yandere. His little thing for you is kinda cute on the surface - until he has his first panic attack over you not answering your phone. (That is, if you two started dating 'the normal way'. Hah.) Personally, I think Micah is the worst out of the three, as well - simply because he has no issue with immediately resorting to violence. (And not with misguided motives like Evan, either.) Once he has you in a remote place and something isn't the way he wants it, I can actually see him getting physically abusive. We saw how he had no issue with shooting Maddy in Strawberry although she (probably) had hardly anything to do with that "unfinished business". I think running with Dutch kept him in check, reined him in. (He had to adhere to the rules of the gang, at least a little bit.) Another clue is Amos' letter to him - Amos being so scared for his family, his daughters, makes me think that Mister Bell is actually way worse than we've seen in the game. He already doesn't love you. You have your uses, yes, you're his - but fucking hell, you're a lot of fucking work, too. He has to keep you fed along with his brats and you're not even a pretty face to look at (to him. Now if we asked Arthur, that man would have married you immediately. But, as you know. Micah happened.) And maybe, that's the crux of this whole thing. There is no love here - there is with Evan and Bill. With them, if you were to completely give up one day, you'd have a (very controlled but) decent life, as far as the circumstances go. With Micah? Oh, you can try and try and try again, it will never be enough.

[xo8ball]

woah i think its been a year since i started suspecting (and identifying) that i have autism, and i feel. glad.

I remember having this horrible, horrible breakdown about not knowing what was "wrong" with me. Nothing ever was wrong with me, i was just different. I just had some things and didnt have some other things, and that made me human and normal, just not like my peers, and i still can and should fit it and be accepted.

Though, this was the longest journey of self acceptance, i've always had a big problem with my own self id, so self dxing was something im always scared of because (by my therapist's words.. yeah i got really mad at that) "my anxiety makes me absorb traits i search up, so i end up believing things that i am not part of or even experienced". Which is totally not true all my whole life i've been the weird, quiet, excellently academic, nerdy, lonely, socially inept queer kid and because i was raised a girl and im "high functioning" (bad label) nobody ever tried to think a little to why i am experiencing bad burnouts in my high school years about social life.

I've always thought autism was a weight, and i kind of still think its heavy on my shoulders. Its not an easy thing to say, for me, that i have autism. its a harsh word in where i live, and other autistic people that my peers know are "low functioning", so they think its dumb comparing the same traits we share because we both have autism, it just expresses differently .

I do have friends and a loving partner, i like to talk and sometimes do a nice small talk, i go to parties (not frequently) and see my family (very frequently). but i get burnouts, i get isolated, i hate ugly specific noises, i get sensory issues, i bond better with individuals with the same characteristics as me, or children, or animals, i have special interests that keep me very happy and talking for hours, im "weird" and say things out of context or un-needed, i have gastrointestinal problems too if that matters (haha), i cant socialize correctly because i show disinterest in some activities, im good at school but i cant function correctly without drawing the whole class because it helps me paying attention while eliminating the art from my brain (last year i got the 2nd place in highest academic score in my class, by drawing the whole year.), i zone out and get uncomfortable by eye contact or physical touch i have not asked, i stim and enjoy repetitive behaviors, i have to listen to my music alone once a day to charge my social battery. i have autism, i am autistic, and im on the spectrum, and i live and breathe and exist because i am human too.

this counts as a vent right? I'll keep on crochet (new interest 🧶)

[linskywords]

Taylor Swift Meets Hockey RPF: Advent Calendar Day 18

And the 8th ficciest Taylor Swift song of all time is…

Song: I’m Only Me When I’m With You Album: Taylor Swift Year: 2007 Lyrics: https://genius.com/Taylor-swift-im-only-me-when-im-with-you-lyrics Ficciness Rank: #8

I suspect this song is a bit of a deep cut in Taylor’s discography (is it?? I don't know things), but I love it, and it is SUPER FICCY. Not pining-related at all, not even specifically romantic, but it is soooo deeply codependent and I am here for it. Just look at these lyrics:

Friday night beneath the stars In a field behind your yard You and I are painting pictures in the sky Sometimes we don't say a thing Just listen to the crickets sing Everything I need is right here by my side And I know everything about you I don't wanna live without you

This is the friendship that we know is going to turn into romantic love when it shows up in hockey RPF. It’s the connection with a teammate who you think is just the best friend you’ve ever found, the buddy who was made for you, and it hasn’t occurred to you yet that you could want more than friendship and that maybe most friends don’t act like this. As a bonus, it’s reciprocal–look at how these lyrics flip later on in the song:

And you know everything about me You say that you can't live without me

Oh yeah, someone’s crush is about to be epically returned. With intense eye contact and eventual smooches.

Gotta throw in these lyrics, too, since they capture a specific dynamic I love in fic:

Well, you drive me crazy half the time The other half, I'm only tryin' to Let you know that what I feel is true

Is there anything better than two best friends who are constantly sniping at each other and that’s part of why they’re so good for each other?

Pairing I’d assign to this song: Mike McLeod and Nathan Bastian, the self-proclaimed superbuddies. It’s so rare that two guys who are best friends in juniors get to play together in the NHL. Even rarer that one of them gets scooped up in an expansion draft and then gets traded back to their original team so they can be together again. It’s a love story for the ages. For angst potential, we’re gonna situate this song in the summer of 2021 after Nate’s just been snatched away by the Kraken. The season hasn’t started yet, so they’re both in Ontario, and nothing has changed in a day-to-day sense but they know that it will as soon as training camp starts. It’s a dark cloud over everything. And it shouldn’t matter this much–Mike knows that most people don’t get to keep playing with their friends from juniors, that this isn’t a normal thing to expect from an NHL career. But it still hurts way more than he thought it would to face the prospect of the Devils without Nate. It’s enough to make him think…but no. They’re totally just normal friends! Haha why would they be anything else!! But after they’ve spent two months apart, when Nate gets surprise-traded back to the Devils, Mike’s not not going to run up to him and kiss him on the mouth.

Lyrics to title this story: Only Up When You’re Not Down

Masterpost Playlist

<Prev | Next>

[caramelmochacrow]

ok. yk what im gonna tell u my first thoughts on each band and band members in bandori bc why not? (i did not watch the anime before i played the game btw, i just read their character profiles)

Poppin' Party: wait so theyre like the main characters of this right? they look so normal.... all of them have normal hair colors.

Kasumi: why does she have cat ears? also wait that's kyoko?

Tae: is her name pronounced ta-eh or taye?

Rimi: she.... wait who's that again? ooohhh the one w the cool pink bass ok, also u blush when u see kaoru? yeah u arent gay at all. /s

Saya: she has a bakery? also wait i thought u had pigtails not a ponytail...

Arisa: arisa ichiGAYa? ok she's totally not gay w kasumi at all/s

Afterglow: childhood friends? theyre totally not gay w each other at all /s really like their cover of Roki.

Ran: she looks like she would like MCR, also i like her voice.

Moca: she's me fr!!! her birthday is sep. 3 and she likes bread!!! also she looks like she smokes weed

Himari: you blush every time u see kaoru? i know that youre gay.

Tomoe: oooh she's an older sister, has red hair, cares abt her friends a lot, and likes ramen? yeahhhh i dont like her at all. (denial)

Tsugumi: wait what's her name again? tsumugi? yeah i think that's her name.

Pastel * Palettes: oooh okay these guys are like photon maiden but idols alright, theyre kinda alright.

Aya: wait, is that himari? also why r u with chisato a lot?

Hina: wait.... is that towa? is she the towa of the group? she's kinda silly

Chisato: she's like the bitchy blonde girl lol, also she's childhood friends w kaoru that's so sweet!!

Maya: who are u?

Eve: why does she like bushido a lot?

Hello, Happy World!: THEY HAVE A BEAR DJ WHAT THE FUCK I NEED TO GET THIS GAME

Kokoro: oooh she's kinda silly haha!

Kaoru: why are you a womanizer and lying about your favorite food?

Hagumi: ooh she's kinda sil-- SHE PLAYS BASEBALL HELL YEAH!!!

Kanon: she looks like a wet cold shaking kitten, is she ok?

Michelle: WHY IS THERE A BEAR, WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THE FORTNIGHT BEAR, AND WHY ITS IT DJING???

Misaki: wait ur the actual DJ? michelle is just a costume? ahh alright.

Roselia: hmmm.... they might become my favorite bc theyre like rondo

Yukina: who are u?

Sayo: why are you soo strict the hell? also wait u kinda look like that pastel palette girl, are u related?

Lisa: she looks so normal, also she's kinda silly and works w moca? swag.

Ako: oooh she's like kaido from saiki k!!! she's kinda funny haha, WAIT HER OLDER SISTER IS TOMOE??

Rinko: oooh has the same va as rei? i can hear it in her voice, why is she so scared poor thing... also arima kousei moment

Morfonica: oooh they have a violin that's cool!!!

Mashiro: wait.... that's moca right? no she looks too scared to be moca...

Toko: she's like lisa but blonde and plays guitar, that's cool! she has nice clothes!

Nanami: she's the girl that looks high at that one card right? she's kinda funny.

Tsukushi: wait ur the leader? i thought it was mashiro.... i think ur lying to urself, sorry, also it must suck to be the only middle school student in ur band huh...

Rui: OOH SHE THE VIOLINIST?? i knew she would be like that.

Raise A Suillen: oooh cool they look so cool!! why are their names so non binary?

LAYER: wait... ur tae right? oh wait u play bass and sing? that's so cool!!! like mio....

LOCK: woagh she looks cool!!! wait u wear glasses? girl ur gonna be so blind...

PAREO: oooh she looks cute!!!! she's so silly!!!

MASKING: WOAGH SHE DRUMS AND HER NICKNAME WAS MAD DOG!!! THAT'S COOL!!! she. hm. she also seems to know how to make drinks and bake? yeahhhh no i TOTALLY dont like her at all. (denial)

CHU2: she looks like a cat and djs that's pretty cool!!! she goes to an international school that's why she has good english? same!!

[trailjunctionarea52]

While journaling at Black Sheep Coffee yesterday, I felt like someone was looking at me. So I looked up, and this lady with another guy was staring at me. She quickly turned away when I looked up at her. It was amusing to me, and it also made me a little self-conscious. Is it because I'm weird-looking or good-looking? Or a combo of both? And not even twenty or so minutes later, I got the same feeling, except this time to my right, so once again, I looked over, and sure as shit, this guy was looking at me, which was fine; I smiled, and he looked away.

What am I to think? It's not like I will get mad or even ask them why they're looking at me because that's what people do—we look at each other. I enjoy people-watching and engaging with friendly people, too, but we didn't engage because they looked away! It makes me wonder because it would be nice to know why, but I will never know. So this is what I'm going to do; Im going to chalk it up as they both thought I'm handsome as fuck! Yeah, I'm going with that because I am the master of my reality! Haha!

Anywho, last night was chill with a couple of doses of anxiety. While I was watching movies, a car rolled into my campsite, and their headlights lit up the side of my truck! I rolled my window down to let them know ‘what the fuck’, and they parked right in front of my shit! Like, what the fuck??? And there was no way I was getting out because if they were to get violent, at least I would be in my truck to defend myself. After a few minutes of them just chillin’ there, they made a four-point turn and boogied out. I have no idea what the fuck; I was just relieved nothing wild happened, and shortly later, a van-lifer parked nearby for the night, but whatever, that's normal, and they were gone in the morning.

And now, to the most fucked up part of my night… when I woke up this morning, I immediately touched my face to make sure my beard was still there because I had a dream—which was more like a nightmare—that I accidentally shaved my beard off! I can't recall precisely how the dream went, but basically, I was at some vineyard, and for some reason, I wanted to trim it down a bit, but in the process, I shaved one-half of the bottom off, which freaked me out! Then in the dream, I said fuck it and went with a stash, but then somehow, I accidentally shaved off one side of it, which meant I had to shave my face completely! In the dream, I now looked ten years younger with a baby face, and then someone said I looked hot, which I didn't give a shit about because I was so distraught about fucking up my face! And that's all I can remember. It was very vivid and quite disturbing to me! When I woke up, I touched my beard, looked in the mirror, and laughed! Haha!

I think I had the dream because, at one point, I considered shaving it off and going with a radical mustache so that guys could see my face and maybe have more luck attracting the guys I like! Because having a long full beard and finding guys who are attracted to guys like me is very niche compared to beardless men. And I know this because, at one point, I didn't have a long beard, and hot guy action was much easier for me to attract! Simple maths! But after last night and knowing how I would feel without it, there is no fucking way I'm ever trimming it or shaving it off for anyone; they will either like me for me or not. Period.

So, Mammoth Trailfest starts tomorrow, and I was thinking of driving up for it because my buddy is running the 50k, and a few other people I know are participating, too. I'm not sure yet because gas and everything is expensive up there, but it would be rad to chill with other trail people for a day or two. The weather outlook looks like shit, but Im not running any of the races, so whatever! Good luck, runners, and embrace the suck because it seems like it's gonna totally SUCK! Haha!

Will I go up? Maybe, and if I do, it will be at some point today; I'm just not sure yet!

[randys-ranch]

Yo I just want to say you're 100% right about the kabru thing you posted recently. I want to add that there's also a racism element, because Kabru is very clearly coded to be fantasy South Asian, and he's a perfectly average height and build for a South Asian man! He's totally normal! Yeah he's a bit beautiful, but is it impossible for a cis man to be beautiful?

So all the stuff that makes Kabru trans because he's shorter and slender basically hinges on the idea that any man that isn't a 6 ft tall Nordic giant like Laios isn't really a man, and that Kabru's natural physical traits as a South Asian man make him unmanly...

It's basically a huge mess. People can do whatever they want, but the huge amount of content like this is absolutely influenced by sexism and racism.

Sorry for the rant! You're right.

Hey thanks for the support haha- i was kind of jumped by a couple dungi meshi heads in the past for expressing my opinion. Its nice to see someone else agree with my point that people just hc him as transgender due to arbitrary "gender roles" or whatever.

Sure you can do whatever you like, but the way i've seen people progressively feminizing him more and more has made me severely dysphoric and uncomftrable. Hooboy, the amount of trans male pregnancy art i've found of him is astonishing.

He is a beautiful man, very average for his ethnicity in height and build, as you said. The trans headcanons hinge on him being petite and beautiful-which MUST mean he was afab right? Thats a bad standard to have of afab bodies.

A lot of cis women struggle to "conform" to "female standards", and yknow my heterosexual ass loves ugly + gnc women so i wrinkle my nose at the thought of women being inherently "tiny femmy subby beautiful always sparkling like a diamond."

Sadly i was born afab, and i am none of those things- so for Kabru (effortlessly beautiful dare i say) to be deemed transgender because of his "effeminate charms" just..eh. Makes me really uncomftrable.

I've seen an argument stating "his mom forced him to wear feminine attire as a baby!" which like...is his mother meant to be potrayed as demented, evil and fucked up for it? if so..that leans into Kabru being cis- i think baby clothes trauma is kinda stupid, but if this is meant to be a plot point and a source of potraying his mother as plain evil..im sorry man but that sounds like a cis man traumatized by a fucked up mom. If he were trans then the objectification would be "normal" (not really, but it'd serve to make his mother look a little bit more sane if the child is afab instead of amab).

SO. Mff im sorry, Kabru is just a gnc guy, its still kind of sad though, it doesnt fix or nullify anything- still have some criticism of his queer coding pertaining to him being gay (masc man x fem man still leans into gender norms, guys) but i randomly decided im heterosexual (not really) , i cant speak on anything outside of the transgenderism.

You do drive home a valid point though. One i feel inclined to agree with.

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert, Harry Anderson Egbert

Candy, page 38

ROXY: sup john

ROXY: long time no see

ROXY: well alright then pal

ROXY: i do believe u know the way to the living room

JOHN: yeah, yep.

JOHN: thanks.

JOHN: sorry for staring like an idiot.

JOHN: it’s...

JOHN: i just got done with a whole week of feeling weird about hanging out in my dad’s old house again.

JOHN: I kind of forgot to think about how it would be surreal coming back here, too.

JOHN: some kind of nostalgia whiplash, i guess.

ROXY: fair enough yo

ROXY: harry andersons out if u were wonderin

ROXY: hell scoot back home later so if you make it thru round 1 of awkward ex-family convos im happy to say you can be rewarded with another

JOHN: oh, cool.

JOHN: i’d like to see him, if…

JOHN: if it’s okay with both of you.

ROXY: ya we chatted bout it

ROXY: but like i said

ROXY: one thing at a time

ROXY: lets me n u tear this ol egbert/lalonde estrangement band-aid right the fuck off n see what we got goin on underneath it

JOHN: sounds like a plan.

JOHN: so, uh.

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently.

JOHN: and i’ve realized some things.

JOHN: some stuff that involves you and some that doesn’t, but all things i think you deserve to know.

JOHN: whew.

JOHN: ok lemme think where to start...

JOHN: you know how jake left jane?

JOHN: i mean, i assume you know.

JOHN: though, uh, no offense, but jane’s version might be...

JOHN: skewed.

ROXY: oh lmao nah i didnt hear it from janey

ROXY: harry anderson filled me in on wat he got thru the teen grapevine

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: are you guys not...

JOHN: nevermind.

JOHN: i’m sorry, i came to apologize for my shit, not pry into your business.

JOHN: we don’t have to talk about jane if you don’t want to.

ROXY: janey n me havent been super tight of late

JOHN: ah.

JOHN: what about politics not coming between friends and all that?

ROXY: lmao well turns out sometimes someones politics make it p clear what kind of friends they value

ROXY: or dont

ROXY: and idk sometimes people you used to like when you were a teen grow up to be assholes or w/e!!

ROXY: i think i was clingin to somethin just to prove to myself that i was doin stuff right

ROXY: ol rolal

ROXY: hella normal

ROXY: v good at sticking with friends

ROXY: the more i thought abt it the more i figured holdin on to that one thing made me lose out on some other shit

ROXY: u might relate

JOHN: haha, you got me there i guess.

ROXY: anyways

ROXY: im not tryna take up all ur big speech time w/ my stuff

ROXY: you were tellin me about how jake n janey finally went splitsways and how it gave you some kind of epiphany

JOHN: no, it’s cool!

JOHN: i’m glad to hear it.

JOHN: we can come back to your shit after my shit, maybe.

JOHN: but yeah, jake, he uh...

JOHN: he and tavros are living with me now.

JOHN: i think for the foreseeable future. we were expecting jane to have kind of a fit about it, but all we’ve gotten so far are some divorce papers.

JOHN: if she knows where jake is and she hasn’t had a drone fleet dispatched to nuke my house off the planet i think that’s a good sign she’s actually just letting them go?

JOHN: which is kind of surprising, but, uh. good, i guess.

ROXY: ok ill b the first 2 admit that janes turned into kind of a jerk lately but u no shes not actually like

ROXY: literally evil

ROXY: lol

JOHN: that’s debatable!

ROXY: sry to disappoint but janes just a person and you cant actually blame her for everything that went wrong in our marriage like i was her helpless thrall or somethin

JOHN: that’s not what i was saying...

ROXY: ok neither of us came here to argue about janey did we

JOHN: you’re right. let’s just not talk about her.

ROXY: yea

JOHN: anyway...

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how things got to be like they are.

JOHN: i guess i’ll just come out and say it.

JOHN: i completed fucked up your entire life.

JOHN: i’m not going to pretend like there are two sides here. it’s my bad, totally.

JOHN: like, not just what happened to our marriage, though it’s also true that that’s completely my fault.

JOHN: but even before that...

JOHN: i think i fucked up on just this massive, fundamental level, and it’s what i did—

JOHN: or, well, what i didn’t do—

JOHN: that caused every stupid bullshit thing about the way this world is.

JOHN: none of this was supposed to be this way.

JOHN: honestly, it doesn’t feel right that we got married at all, does it?

JOHN: your life was heading in this whole other direction with callie, and i just...

JOHN: i dunno. i just kind of took that from you.

JOHN: i think i ended up taking a lot of decisions from a lot of people.

JOHN: everything took a backseat to what i wanted.

JOHN: whatever cosmic significance the lives here do or don’t have, all the pointless suffering i’ve created is... inhumane. and—

ROXY: oh nah ill stop u rite there my man

ROXY: im sorry john ilu but this is some hot steamin horseshit

JOHN: what?!

ROXY: its some real jerkoff emoji stuff is all im sayin!!

ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no one elses could measure up?

ROXY: n then what

ROXY: did u get what u wanted?

ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied and you came out on top or like what?

ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me

ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin out apologies for?

ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!!

ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that apology!

JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant...

JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making it not—

ROXY: i like my life!!!

ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked up

ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin

ROXY: its mine!

ROXY: i mean i felt... somethin i guess

ROXY: but its not just you

ROXY: youve never been the only player in this game u kno

ROXY: do u not remember who all was there when this all kicked off?

ROXY: me n callie wouldna told u u had a choice if it was all just some meaningless bs

ROXY: its not like i was ever some master seer of all that ever was or will be but i do know a lil bit abt what coulda gone down if things were different

ROXY: and u know what

ROXY: i like the way things turned out just fuckin fine

ROXY: so maybe u could stop wastin precious eternity thinkin ur so special that its ur fault everyones not perfectly happy

JOHN: i just kept wanting to find ways to make everything make sense, you know?

JOHN: but maybe it just fucking doesn’t.

ROXY: i know we became grownups in a world built specifically n cosmically for us

ROXY: so i get wanting to find a pattern in everything

ROXY: but not everything has 2 b that deep

ROXY: n when u think abt it

ROXY: lookin at it that way, like evrythin has to be this elaborately purposeful heroic design to be worthwhile

ROXY: is actually p shallow

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: yeah, i guess.

JOHN: i’m sorry. it’s just so hard to not feel like a total asshole.

JOHN: maybe i’m not some grand vizier of destroying time and space or whatever.

JOHN: but we KNOW that there’s a canon timeline out there.

JOHN: and it seems really obvious to me that we aren’t in it anymore.

ROXY: so what

JOHN: “so what”???

ROXY: yea

ROXY: so what

ROXY: tf do i care that theres some other reality out there some1 arbitrarily decided was the “real” one

ROXY: whats that have to do with the life i have now

ROXY: what is there actually that makes this one mean less than that one to the ppl who r actually in it

JOHN: you never feel like it would’ve been better if things had gone a different way?

JOHN: magic or no, i could have done a lot differently, for you especially.

JOHN: stuck around, or... fuck.

JOHN: stayed out of your way to begin with.

JOHN: let you and callie do your thing, or do whatever it was you seemed to be headed off to do.

JOHN: i just didn’t expect it to be me, after...

ROXY: nah dont say that

ROXY: i mean i accept ur apology this time but

ROXY: theres obvs all kinds of ways shit coulda gone

ROXY: and tbh back then

ROXY: with her...

ROXY: mostly i think i just wanted to do stuff right

ROXY: not that i knew wtf that even meant lmao

ROXY: which was prob the problem lmao lmao lmao

ROXY: just like

ROXY: we had this big fresh as hell start at bein people!

ROXY: i had all these conflictin thoughts abt how to be me in the first place

ROXY: like what it meant to date a beautiful skull alien

ROXY: sexualitywise and genderwise and person in generalwise

ROXY: for a while there i didnt know if i wanted ppl to think of me as a woman at all

JOHN: ah, i didn’t know.

JOHN: well, i guess maybe i wondered?

JOHN: but the way young idiot me would have wondered, so not that deeply.

JOHN: and it seemed like you’d forgotten all about it when we got together.

ROXY: i hadnt forgotten about it

JOHN: do you want to talk about it...?

ROXY: i coulda told you then but i kinda felt embarrassed abt flip floppin with my identity i think

ROXY: mean it isnt like i grew up with big airquotes society tellin me what was right n wrong like u did

ROXY: so it wasnt any kind of shamefest

ROXY: just a lot of abstract hypotheticals wed only just started talking about and never got very far into

ROXY: just idk i thought i might do things one way but then i stopped hangin out with callie as much

ROXY: its not like i stopped thinkin abt it

ROXY: or her

ROXY: but it never rly came up with anyone else and i didnt rly feel like i could talk abt it with you so i never brought it up again

JOHN: i’m really sorry you felt that way, roxy.

ROXY: its ok its not ur fault

JOHN: but you don’t regret it?

JOHN: not going for that stuff, and instead just... marrying me?

JOHN: i’m not asking so you can absolve me, i’m just impressed.

JOHN: how do you not second guess every choice you make?

ROXY: i havent stuck my head in the timeline vortex like u have so i dunno what its like to see other options

ROXY: i just do things the best way i think to do em and then shrug n hope it works out?

ROXY: i dont think i can regret anything

ROXY: theres not only one right way to be me imo

ROXY: i like the me i am

ROXY: its not like i went n decided “actually hell ya love to be a woman n do all the shit on the woman checklist”

ROXY: i get that thats prob what it looks like outside of my own self but i dont care abt that

ROXY: sorry lol im not good at this whole explainin what transpires in my brain thing

ROXY: idk this life ive been livin gave me harry anderson

ROXY: that kinda outweighs anything else just for me personally

ROXY: n its not like i ever totally quit thinkin abt that gender stuff

ROXY: i just found a different way to work it out than maybe i was originally gonna

ROXY: i...

ROXY: but lmao john were just adults

ROXY: were not dead!

ROXY: idk i mean were only what... barely middle aged in regular human years?

ROXY: we got all kinds of hypothetical but still prolly finite eternity to work our shit out

ROXY: who tf knows

ROXY: its not like you figure out who you are when youre 23 and then the rest of ur whole life is just sittin back watchin ur shit fall apart or not

ROXY: i mean maybe thats been it for u so far

JOHN: haha. ouch.

ROXY: i just dont think im anywhere near done buildin those roxy self actualization train stops

ROXY: who the fuck can say how many more i got lined up

ROXY: same goes for u

ROXY: if youre willing to look at this life as more than a cosmically pointless dead end failure that is

JOHN: i guess...

JOHN: there’s literally nothing to do but keep moving forward.

JOHN: i may as well not be a big fucking downer about it if i don’t have to be.

ROXY: thats the spirit

ROXY: weve got a million billion lifetimes ahead of us john

ROXY: u dont even KNOW all the ways u got left to fuck up in!!

ROXY: hows that for some inspiration??!

JOHN: it’s...

JOHN: it’s pretty fucking inspirational, roxy.

JOHN: thank you for trusting me with this personal stuff.

JOHN: i know partly you were telling me all that to kick my sadsack ass, but i know you don’t talk about this kind of thing every day.

ROXY: to be real i hadnt even let myself think abt it every day

ROXY: so thanks for lettin me ramble at u out loud instead of just almost thinkin abt it once every few years

JOHN: i guess sometimes it takes hearing the same shit over and over until it sticks.

JOHN: that’s mostly an own on myself by the way.

ROXY: lmao were just rippin off those bandaids left n right over here

ROXY: a coupla professional issue discussers

JOHN: yeah, i’m frankly baffled by how fucking good we are at this?

JOHN: where was this when we sucked so hard at being married?

ROXY: buried under a shocking number of issues is my guess

JOHN: well, it’s nice to throw a few off, for once.

ROXY: feel free to communicate with me instead of spendin the next 300 years in a silent prison of your own making if u so desire

JOHN: hey harry anderson.

JOHN: it’s really, really good to see you.

JOHN: do you wanna go for a drive?

HARRY ANDERSON: yeah, dad.

HARRY ANDERSON: that could be cool.

[theseunheardthoughts]

Writing when you're baked as a fucking cake.

"Go ahead, put anything." Tumblr said. If you know me, you already knew where my mind went. ;)

(December 13, 2023; 2:43 PM; already done with work cos im lowkey god)

So I just happened to be here today after smoking some and feeling little good about myself. I usually ask myself if I need to write orrrrr something has been weighing down on me which prompts me to write and pour my heart out. This time. It's just a random, why not? Yeah, why not? I've started but I believe I can really adopt this attitude to make sure I'm living my life. There are a multitude of things to be apprehensive of, and honestly, you'll die first before you can even finish counting all of them. So yeah, I guess that's why I'm here.

But in a technicality, i was here because I just posted about a recent "wordification" - cringe word, but i'll definitely come up with a new term for this - anyway, this is what people refer as cognitive or emotional "breakthroughs" - but where I am isn't under the pretense that we have to "break" through, or that our emotions or thoughts were hidden somewhere. i am under the belief that our emotions and the inner desires of our souls have always been there, just difficult to comprehend as we're not paying enough attention to them. it is in this belief that if we have reached a certain point of trusting relationship with them, they we will start to unshed themselves so we can start to begin our relationship with them. what's most important is the ability of the self to finally understand and put it into words - allowing us to share them with other people. so yeah, there goes why i used that cringe word.

Soo anywayyyyy (my mind really works this way by default and it's incredibly difficult to hold a normal conversation with people <- also, i just realised this right now. see. wordification. HAHAHA. oh god, i'm so funny.

See? I did it again.

Anyway, the previous post was about my boss at my work. I don't know, I'm just amazed by her. She and I are really the same. Amazing but also, I am afraid. If I am projecting to her, which I probably am, but I can also argue that the mind is this magical thing that can resonate with other people... i honestly think we are more than magic. this universe is chaos and nothing of "the totality of things" don't make sense. we are just trying our best to control (hence, the quintessence of science) the things we matter but cosmically insignificant. money. power. self. others. life itself.

nothing is inherently controllable. our souls have acknowledged that - that's why 'anxiety' exists in the human soul. our selves know that. and i guess that's how we should start to perceive anxiety -- a reminder that nothing is controllable -- that's why we feel it. OKAY NOW I FEEL DUMB. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. whenever we're anxious, we essentially have thoughts of "not being able to control" a situation. BITCH, IT'S THERE. THERE'S ALREADY THE ANSWER. our mind and soul have always been there for us. all we need to do is listen. (i'm very dumbfounded right now, as was just able to put this into words)

okay. i guess that's enough writing for now. i wanna do something else. and anything beyond this will already become performative. haha < :)

P.S. god fucking damn. i forgot to post here the boss tweet. guess who's high?

"we really are from the same cloth. to be able to crush others, and still be perceived in the most beautiful limelight - a noble, a person of virtue.

as for me, i'm just waiting for the axe ;)"

too personally revealing for twitter (and no fucking way im calling that by it's bullshit name).