#and i’m not sure why i don’t think i am autistic or adhd

[themanirealityshifter]

once again, not shifting related, but see, i have a lot of things that come along with autism and ADHD, and the like, but i’m still prettyyy damn sure i don’t have em, but also maaaybe, buuut alsooo i don’t knoooow. i have hyperfixations, special interests, the verbal shutdowns, shutdowns in general, meltdowns, also executive dysfunction, neurodivergent stimming (plus some that can pass as neurotypical stimming), and lots more that i can’t remember at the moment, cuz i haven’t eaten enough, OH YEAH AND SENSORY PROCESSING DISORDER, annnd auditory processing disorder, also internalized echolalia and just echolalia, possibly alexithymia, and have trouble with social cues and eye contact. plus food allergies which is also common/comorbid with autism. plus also i was what ya call the gifted kid and now i’m burnt out and even though my grades are always good when i actually hand something in, i constantly procrastinate and have basically given up on school altogether, cuz there’s no possible way for my mental health to be okay, for me to have relationships, for me to do things i like, and do well and be consistent in school all at the same time.

soooo, what am i? i relate to autistics and ADHDers A TON. buuuut i don’t think i am one of y’all. buuut what else can i possibly be? i have no idea. i am a mystery and i pretty sure i always will be.

[brianna-lei]

Butterfly Soup 2 Asks #1

It's that time again...I-just-released-a-game-and-am-answering-questions-about-it Time!

I get way too many asks to answer individually, so I've consolidated some commonly-asked ones along with a few I thought would be fun to answer!! Sorry if your ask isn't in here!

I put all the lore/character questions first and all the "real world" questions (like about the merch shop) at the bottom. Obviously there's spoilers below so if you haven't played Butterfly Soup 2 already go do that!

LORE

What was Akarsha thinking when she confessed to Noelle that it was her brother who sent the chat message and not her? Did she think Noelle would remember? Or did she know Noelle wouldn’t?

Akarsha thought Noelle would remember. In Akarsha’s mind, that incident was so conspicious and embarrassing, there’s almost NO WAY Noelle would forget it. To Akarsha, this was practically her telling Noelle directly, “I have a crush on you.”

Unfortunately, it was much less memorable on Noelle’s end because she didn’t see Akarsha in that way and genuinely did believe it was just her brother typing nonsense at the time. And it doesn’t help that it was buried in months’-worths of Akarsha’s wacky messages.

When Noelle doesn’t really respond to her confession at the assembly, Akarsha has two theories:

Noelle remembers, and doesn’t like her back

Noelle doesn’t remember (unlikely)

And she doesn’t know which one it is.

You guys are going to hate me for this, but because they’re Disaster Gays it takes them YEARS after that to become official.

As I was writing the assembly scene I kept thinking: If only Min could possess one of them for 10 seconds and just blurt out “I like you, will you go on a date with me”! It would’ve saved them literal years of confusion and turmoil...

Why was Akarsha in handcuffs at the end of the game?

You’ll understand when you’re older. Don’t worry about it!

It was so out of character for Noelle to start crying over Akarsha when she got hurt!

Noelle is so emotionally repressed 24/7 that when something jabs her unexpectedly, she sometimes loses control and it all starts rushing out like water out of a pressurized tube. That's why she randomly starts crying when Chryssa praises her in the first game.

So in my opinion, if she suddenly thought Akarsha was possibly dead or seriously hurt, she'd react how she did (as corny as it is)! I think that part also got colored by something that happened partway through development. My dad fell and hit his head on something so hard that he nearly died! So when Akarsha falls and hits her head, I think I see it as a lot more serious and scary than most players do.

This actually reminds me of a bit I’ve had in my head for many years now! When Noelle's in college, it's her first time in an environment where Asians are a minority. So she doesn't have asian food for a long time, but isn't aware that it's bothering her.

One day Min drives over to her college and takes her to H-Mart, and when they walk in Min goes "ok I know it's Korean and not like Chinese or whatever" and out of nowhere Noelle starts crying

Why do Noelle's joints crack every time she sits or lies down?

Because she’s stiff and doesn’t exercise enough. It’s harmless but whenever Diya hears it, she’s like :(

Is Ester’s webcomic based on/a reference to (webcomic here)?

Nope! Ester was inspired by a few friends of mine, including one who worked on her stories at school in a notebook. Her webcomic’s plot is based on a story idea I had at her age.

Are you SURE X character doesn’t have autism/ADHD? It’s so obvious!

My original answer to this years ago was “I didn’t intentionally do any research on either of those conditions, and I wasn’t aiming to portray them specifically.”

Well..........A while ago, I finally properly started doing research, and a lot of what I learned about autism sounded eerily relatable. So I took every autism diagnostic test I could find online and they all said I was autistic. I’m like 75% sure I am, but at my age I’m not sure I’ll ever get a real diagnosis.

So maybe all my characters are accidentally neurodivergent because I am? I feel like Diya is for sure because I gave her a lot of traits I relate to that I now know are signs of autism.

What are Akarsha and Noelle’s kids like? Do they have any pets?

I think I'll keep it secret for now, sorry! But I saw this comment on Reddit once and this is their family on April Fool’s day. Akarsha is the one faking a heart attack and Noelle is the one making the soup

Before they had kids, Akarsha and Noelle got the most fucked up old cat from the shelter because Akarsha felt sorry for him. He’s affectionate toward them, but he’s rude to their guests like Diya/Min and hisses at them for no reason.

How does Akarsha's parents feel about her and Noelle dating?

Before Noelle and Akarsha started dating, Akarsha's parents really liked Noelle. She made such a good impression on them at the birthday party that she became their Favorite Friend, so they'd ask Akarsha about her a lot.

One day Akarsha watches an LGBT+ movie with her parents and thinks "Since they like the movie so much, they'll be okay with my sexuality!”

Akarsha's dad is cool with it, but her mom isn't. She says those things only work in movies, and that those people aren’t happy in real life. She blames Akarsha's dad for constantly saying fruity things and in the same breath goes "Everyone thinks girls are hot! That's just normal"

She and Akarsha's dad have a few arguments over it and after Akarsha's dad claims he'll go on a "hunger strike" (???) she does come around. She ultimately becomes a very supportive Ally who sends Akarsha random news articles about gay celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres

So by the time Akarsha and Noelle actually start dating, Akarsha's parents are onboard with it. They end up being the family Noelle always wished she had

Real world questions

When is the online store coming back? I’m hoping to reopen it within the next couple months! I’m hoping to restock Min’s jacket and the charms, and I wanna add new prints and plushies of the main four. If anyone has manufacturer recs for any of these that they’re willing to share, please let me know!

Are you going to make a Butterfly Soup 3?

I have an idea for a third game, but there’s a couple other projects I’m busy with (and am pretty excited to show you guys!) so I won’t be making it for several years. 

Is it alright if I write a fanfic of Noelle and Akarsha’s wedding/smut/my headcanon of the characters being trans/etc etc etc ?

Write whatever you want! Just please be mindful of younger fans and make sure to tag sensitive content appropriately. And don’t ask me to read it because I can’t! I’m legally not allowed to.* *EDIT: Okay, this was a bit of an exaggeration, but I've heard that it's a bad idea for a variety of reasons! So it's a can of worms I'm not going to open as a creator

[project-sekai-facts]

I'm curious about the autism HC/Fanon's for different characters. I know there's a few characters that are commonly mentioned to have autistic characteristics (Ichika, like all of wxs ect) but I do wonder how many characters could have parallels or things about them which would suggest autism or similar neurodivergence. Would love an in depth (or slightly in depth) look into this.

Sincerely, an autistic fan who sees herself in way too many characters

Full disclosure that I am not autistic. At least I don’t think I am. So I’ll try to do an overview but feel free to correct / add anything.

Rui is very coded as autistic. I want to do a full post on this one day (currently in the process of translating some magazine “interviews”), but to give a quick rundown: he infodumps a lot (there is a card of him doing this), his interest in engineering and platypuses easily reads like a special interest, he has difficulty processing, understanding, and occasionally expressing his own emotions despite being able to read other people well, he is sensitive to textures and tastes in food (he dislikes fruit that tastes like vegetables, like melon or cucumber), list goes on. Also other people have constantly called him weird and isolated him for this, which is a thing that happens to a lot of neurodivergent people. Revival my dream touches on this a lot so I suggest reading the flashback chapters in that event.

Toya as well is another character who I think is autistic-coded, and I see this pointed out by the fandom a lot. I made a post about the fact that he is sensitive to textures in food a while ago and most people tagged it saying that he was autistic lol. Also the fact that he isn’t good at expressing emotions on his face earlier on in the game reminds me a lot of Rina from Love Live who is pretty much agreed upon to be autistic. Oh and then there’s his habit of staring and not picking up on social cues. So a lot to back up this one as well.

Shiho is one I see brought up a lot too. Iirc the main reasons I’ve seen pointed out are her more direct way of speaking that can come off as mean when she isn’t trying to sound that way, lack of a filter (ties into the last point), as well as her intrest in music that could read like a special interest. Also like Rui people tended to keep their distance from her because they thought she was cold and unkind even though she isn’t.

Also as I was writing this, multiple people said that Ichika is autistic in the tags of her birthday post so yeah that’s something. I’m guessing because her interest in Miku could be read as a special interest, as well as her general awkwardness in social situations and overthinking.

For me personally, I’ve always read Emu as having ADHD but I could understand why people might read her as autistic or both as well.

Other than Rui and probably Toya and Shiho I’m not sure how much of any coding was intentional, or whether it happens to be that you can read it that way, but there’s no harm in seeing yourself in a character and coming up with headcanons. This isn’t the greatest post about neurodivergent coding in prsk and I’ve definitely seen better ones in the tag but I hope this helps a bit.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Do my symptoms align with autism?

I’ve been looking into whether I might be autistic recently. I’m not self-diagnosing. I just suspect I might have autism, and I wanted to put this here to see what other people think.

Reasons why I think I am:

1. Stimming

This is definitely the main one. I think I stim way more than a neurotypical would, even when I was a kid. I pace, I walk in circles, I spin around over and over and over and over again and I don’t really get dizzy. I especially like to listen to music while doing this.

Before spinning in circles, I used to pace around in circles with my hands clenched together. It sort of helped me focus and think and daydream.

I do the spinning thing multiple times a day, and if I’m forced to go a few days without it, I get antsy and a little frustrated. (When I spin, I do it on the hardwood floor, keeping my balance by placing my hands on the back of the couch, and doing it on carpet is a lot harder. This is my favorite “type” of stim, so if I’m on a vacation where we’re at a hotel without hardwood floors, that’s why I can’t do it sometimes. But then I will anyway on carpet because I just have to.)

I do tend to rock when I’m by myself — or, swaying is more like it, but yeah, rocking too. I’ll sway a bit more than I will rock.

I’m literally pacing in circles as I type this out lol.

2. Hyperfixations/special interests

(Are those the same thing, or two different things? Please correct me if they’re classified as different things.)

I have what I’d call special interests — gender, Amphibia, Dork Diaries. I look up genders and try to learn as much about them as possible, everyday.

For Amphibia and Dork Diaries, I usually just read fanfic or write my own. The other thing I do a lot is daydreaming, though, and those are the top 2 things I daydream about. I’m constantly in my head, and I’m usually daydreaming in the back of my mind, like, all day. (About those two things.)

The thing about my hyperfixations are that I don’t talk to other people about them. (I don’t like talking in general, really.) I just keep them to myself and learn about them/daydream about them by myself. I never felt a need to share and I don’t infodump on people.

3. Fidgeting

I’m not sure if this is the same as stimming, but I’m separating these two.

Usually when I’m sitting still, I’m fidgeting. I’ll be tapping my pencil or foot 90% of the time. I do it a lot, and I don’t even notice sometimes when I do.

I don’t know where to put this either, but I also bite my nails. I don’t just bite them either, I pick them off. It calms me down and helps me relax or gives me something to do when I’m nervous or just plain bored. (I’m well aware this isn’t healthy, please don’t attack me in the comments section.)

4. Procrastination (executive dysfunction?)

I know lots of people procrastinate, but I think what I experience lines up more with executive dysfunction. (Which I’ve learned is also a trait of ADHD, so I don’t know if I have that instead.)

It’s so so hard to focus on a school task or something that’s boring. Or even something that’s exciting, like writing on a fanfic or book, I procrastinate on so much. I set plans to do things but I don’t get them done. Even when it’s something stupidly easy to do, sometimes I just don’t do it. And when it’s hard, when I don’t even know where to start, it’s nearly impossible to start. (I usually force myself to get it done anyway, with big projects, but with smaller things and little homework assignments, I don’t always do. Then I kick myself for it later.)

5. Routine

I eat the same food every day for lunch, at school. (Uncrustables sandwich, yogurt, applesauce, and/or yogurt with m&m toppings I can put it in.) At home, I eat different foods for lunch — I make my own cheese burrito when we have soft shell tacos and shredded cheese. If that isn’t available, I make cheese sandwiches. If that isn’t available, sometimes I remember other things that are quick and easy to make for lunch — like pizza rolls. And if I don’t have that either, sometimes I’ll just skip lunch entirely. Or eat a small snack that doesn’t require effort to make whatsoever, but it’s usually not enough to qualify for “lunch”.

I don’t wear the same clothes everyday, but I never go shopping. I could wear the same clothes for years and be fine with it (as long as I’ve not outgrown them). The only time I get new clothes is when I see a shirt I really like. Which is usually Stitch (Lilo and Stitch, anyone?)

It’s really hard to break routine.

So there’s this thing at my school, where you can tutor/help out at an elementary school for service hours, and eventually get a scholarship to a 2-year college. The scholarship thing is major.

It took me months just to email the teacher and ask when I could come in. I’m probably severely behind on my volunteer hours. And the stupid thing is, now it’s not even hard. I just went on the first day, and it was established that I would do it every day, so there wasn’t a way I could back out anyway. And now I go and it’s no problem. It’s so stupid.

6. Social Situations

I might have social anxiety, I don’t know. I get anxious at the thought of new situations, having to meet new people, etc. I heavily dislike talking to people I don’t know. It’s why I prefer not to talk to the cashier at McDonald’s, or rehearse what I’m going to say at the restaurant.

When people ask, “Hi, how are you?”, I answer “Good, how are you?” They say something back, maybe mention a tiny bit of what’s going on in their lives, and then it’s over. For that, I have a pre-recorded answer. For other situations, as I’ll mention later, I’m actually mostly comfortable.

I speak pretty softly, and sometimes I have to force myself to a louder volume.

7. I prefer to do things on my own

I’m independent in a lot of ways, unless I need help. (And, um, not financially independent or anything, I still live with my parents.) And even when I need help, like with homework, it’s hard to let other people help me sometimes. I prefer doing things on my own.

Reasons why I think I’m not:

1. I’m fine at social interaction.

I usually pick up on social cues, and communication has never been much of an issue for me. (Sometimes I will sort of freeze up or trail off when talking, and suddenly my brain won’t make my mouth say things. Aside from that, I communicate well.) I understand that bad social interaction was a pretty big indicator of autism, but I’m not bad at it, really.

Actually, the one difference from this is that I do have pretty bad eye contact. I try to look at people’s eyes when talking because it’s polite, but then I look away, and then I look back, and then I look away, and I don’t know how long I’m supposed to maintain eye contact before looking away again. I don’t like it.

I am deaf, and I wear Cochlear Implants for me to hear. My social interaction is affected by this, as noisy situations are notoriously difficult for me to hear in. I’m asking “What?” multiple times a day lol. Sometimes I can’t hear a word the other kid is saying in school, and I just smile and nod because that’s all I can do, because it’s just too noisy. (I’m throwing this out here in case it’s something you might need to take into consideration, but it is completely unrelated to any potential autism.)

2. I don’t have hypersensitivity (I don’t think so)

Loud sounds don’t really bother me, nor do bright lights, or textures, or certain flavors or whatever. I eat the same thing a lot because of routine, not because of uncomfortable flavors or food textures. I think there have been times when everything was just a little too much. Then I usually find the nearest bathroom to calm myself down in. I don’t know if this is overstimulation or not, tho. Or if it’s specific to neurodivergency, or just me being an introvert and getting overwhelmed by people. And it’s not that often at all.

3. Very little aggression

I know that like a lot of things, autism is a spectrum. One of the symptoms is aggression, and I have very little of that. Usually when I’m frustrated with homework and my mom’s trying to help, I’ll get snappish with her (and then apologize later, because she wasn’t doing anything wrong and only trying to help).

Sometimes I do feel really mad, but I just grit my teeth and deal with it internally instead of lashing out. Like arguing in my head until I’ve calmed down and moved on.

4. Meltdowns/Shutdowns

I’m fairly sure I don’t have either of these. I think that’s also a major autism thing, one that I don’t have.

Things That I Can’t Put Into a Category Because I Don’t Know Whether It’s Indicative of Autism or Literally Just a Me Thing:

• Repeating words and phrases: I don’t do that out loud, but I will in my head

• Vocal stims: I very rarely do these, and if I do hum or make a noise, it’s usually entirely involuntary, usually because I was excited. I don’t mean to

• Repeating words: I very rarely do that also, but it has happened before. (It happened today once, when we were playing a game. Nothing came of it, it wasn’t weird, I just repeated a word my mom said — I can’t remember what it was, not a bad one though)

• Facial expression: I don’t think I have a blank-face that many autistic people do. I’m often smiling when I’m happy, or laughing at things that are funny. (Which aren’t even that funny to other people. Sarcasm makes me laugh a lot. I laugh a lot more easily than other people do.) I feel like occasionally it is hard to force myself into a facial expression if I’m not feeling that way

• Unusual posture: I literally just looked this up. I’m basically running through all of the autism symptoms and explaining mine, and this is one of them. I think I might have unusual posture. One of the things is shifting all your weight into one leg, and that’s something I definitely do, especially when I have to stand still. (And whenever I have to stand really still, and I’m not putting all weight into one leg, sometimes my knees will lock, and it’ll make me light-headed. I almost passed out one time from doing that. Never again.) I don’t really know if my posture is unusual aside from that. It might be and I just never noticed. Or it might not. I don’t know.

• Clumsiness: I never considered myself clumsy, but my brother has told me that he thinks I am. (Considering he’s my younger brother and says a lot of stuff to annoy me, take this with a grain of salt.)

• Oh, speaking of: metaphors. I think for the most part I understand them. Like grain of salt. And if I don’t, then I look it up.

• Sarcasm: kind of hit or miss with me. Sometimes I think my brain knows the other person is being sarcastic, because there’s just no way they’re serious about what they just said. But my brain makes me treat it like they are being serious, especially if their tone sounds serious. It’s hard to tell sometimes. But when I do get sarcasm, when their tone sounds obviously sarcastic, then usually it’s funny and makes me laugh

• I don’t like being away from home for a long time. Even a week gets me extremely homesick, and it feels like it’s getting worse as I get older. Maybe because I know I’ll have to move out eventually, or move away to college. Moving away for college, or moving out and far away, TERRIFIES me. This may not be an autistic thing, but I don’t know, so I put it here. Maybe it’s because my routine and my whole life would be upended. I don’t know.

• Speaking in monotone: Much like my facial expressions, I feel like I speak pretty “normally”. I don’t have a monotone voice usually. (I feel like sometimes I do, though? Not often)

• Putting pressure on the front of your feet: Apparently that’s a thing. I don’t think I do that. I don’t think I’ve done that in the past

• Decision-making: Related to the executive dysfunction thing. I think I put off big decisions. (I‘ve only somewhat-but-not-really decided which college I’m going to. And I might change my mind.)

• Sometimes when I try to joke, people think I’m being rude. I don’t know if that’s a tone issue on my part, or if the joke is in poor taste or seems more mean than just a joke (when I only ever intended for it to be a joke). Also for clarification, none of my jokes are ever racist or homophobic or anything, and I never try to be mean when I joke

• Special object: I don’t think I have one, unless you consider my phone. I don’t go anywhere without it lol. But like little things to fidget with, that bring me comfort, I don’t really have that. I just fidget with my hands, I guess.

• Verbal Instructions: Those are really hard for me to follow. If I only have verbal instructions and not readable ones, you can bet it’s a lot harder to get the thing done. I usually need a lot of clarification or things repeated to me, although that’s partially due to deafness. (I don’t think entirely, though.)

Other things about me that may or may not be relevant/important for you to know:

- I am aroace (no sexual or romantic attraction for anyone)

- I think I’m aplatonic too, and mostly anattractional (or grey-attractional, if that’s a thing). Online friends are easier for me than irl friends. I don’t even know what qualifies as a friendship

- I’m deaf (but I already explained that). I do hear with my Cochlear Implants, but I know it’s not that exact same as hearing people. I don’t know if that’s why I’m not as hypersensitive to loud sounds, or if I’m just not hypersensitive at all. (I don’t think this is something you could help clarify, though, seeing as it’s specific to me.)

I have taken a few autism tests and gotten answers like “you have moderate autism symptoms” or even “high symptoms” sometimes. For ADHD, the test answers ranged from “No” to “Potentially” to “Moderate ADHD”. (Don’t worry, I know that the tests aren’t meant to be substituted for the real thing. I just took them to try and see where I fit, if there were any indicators, etc.)

I am planning to talk to my mom soon and see if it’s possible for me to get a diagnosis. Things aren’t too hard for me right now, but I am getting older and I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to live on my own — which isn’t entirely related to this, but I feel like if I need help, I should get diagnosed as soon as possible. (If I have it at all.)

Basically, my reason for posting this was to get a second opinion, especially from people who are autistic themselves. Does this sound like autism or ADHD or something else entirely? (Is it possible to have both that have symptoms that cancel each other out?) Am I just neurotypical, but like, weird?

I want to be clear, I know you can’t diagnose me and I should see a professional. I just wanted a second opinion, in case it’s just me overthinking everything.

Also, I’m so sorry for this being so long. It’s probably a pain to read. I’m just trying to be as specific as possible.

Hi there,

I’m sorry I’m just getting to this. My goodness this was a long inbox! Lol.

This was very thorough and detailed, so it was nice to read. Nice formatting too.

I would say some traits align. But like you said, I’m not a professional. So I can’t really say. I’m curious about what my followers think too. Hopefully some chime in.

I would recommend writing what you told me here down to bring with you during an assessment, if you have one. This will be very helpful when determining a diagnosis. As it’s very detailed and thorough.

Hopefully this helps. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[miscling]

About Miscling! (updated!)

This is a horny blog for horny blog things. Please don't interact if you're a minor/under 18, go away, shoo. if you follow me, make sure to have some indication of your age in your bio or pinned

😵‍💫🥰😵‍💫

hi! i have a lot of different names, but for now you can call me misc! I am a girl, toy, doll, kitty, ditz, and mama. i love talking to people and getting lots of asks. send me things like ask meme questions, fantasies, confessions, or just ask me how i’m doing! i especially love getting tasks to do, and have an ask-task list you can use to give me things to do! i love being an obedient good girl, and especially love getting lots of praise. i’m an exhibitionist, submissive, and easily controlled by people who make me feel safe.

since this is a hornyblog, i like to follow other hornyblogs. i’m a trans woman who has a cunt, and i’m also autistic and have adhd, so i reblog stuff about that sort of thing too. i make porn and erotica for fun, which i post here. you can expect posts about edging, hypno kink, bondage, bdsm, fetishwear, tickling, masochism, petplay (i'm a kitty), hucows/lactation, monsterfucking, CNC, mindbreaking, dollification, dronification, and mommy/daughter fauxcest. i’m a subby bottom, even though i’m mommy to a few. i don’t domme, but i will tease other subs i think are cute once i get to know them.

i am poly, queer, kinky, and trans, and i’m in the UK. i’m very interested in talking to others who are the same. if you’re queer and trans, let’s be friends! i am mostly t4t, and like real life play, i’m not so much into roleplay, and i’m not looking for exclusive ownership. i like to play with lots of people and have lots and lots of fun!

i don’t really think of myself as a person so much as i think of myself as a fae-coded creature, a pet of some sort, and toy for others to enjoy. real people don’t wish they weren’t people, after all.

if you’ve read my pinned, like it! then you should send me an ask telling me what your favourite kink is and why!

Below the readmore: Tags and Links, Limits, and my Ask Task List!

Tags and links:

About Miscling contains every post that's about me.

You can find pics of me in Miscling Appears. (it's okay to go on a reblogging and liking spree through them) i make original posts under Miscling Rambles and posts about my lactation journey in Miscling Lactates i also make polls, which you can find in my Miscling Polls tag. you can hear my voice in the Miscling Speaks tag and over at my soundgasm page!

You can send me tasks with my ask tasks meme! I will take tasks from literally anyone ^^ you can see tasks I've done here! If you like or follow my blog, think about sending me a task as a little gift!

I learned to edge last year and was broken by a poll I ran to get permission to cum here then here and here. i hope to never cum again without being forced. i can't be forced to cum over the internet. i kept an edging diary for a while and my last orgasm was 1feb24.

I love to write, and I especially like to write about kink. Read bits about my play with Miscling Plays and stories I wrote with Miscling Writes.

Use my ask box liberally, anon or not. i'll answer near anything and you can use my ask meme tag and miscling answers to find questions to ask me (scroll the tag and use any meme you like, but copy in the questions or link the meme!)

I have a lovense wishlist (long distance remote vibrators)

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I have a cashapp link (if you just want to tip me directly)

I have a ko-fi link! (please don't reference anything nsfw on kofi if you use this)

I'm trying to tag my kinks so i can find them when i want them, this is no guarantee that i'll tag things though. mommysub for posts about being a mommysub, goddess thoughts for religionplay where i'm a subby goddess, Bind Miscling for bondage, hit me for masochism, moo for hucow things, lee mood for tickling, oh my circuits for robot/drone things, maid day for maids, tidy up tuesday for my maid day, monsterling for monsterfucking posts, hypno gif, spiral, hypno txt, and hypnaudio, for hypno play, and hypnoslut for general hypno posts, preyling for primal play, latexcellent for rubberwear, and as i figure out others i'll add them...

Also, I have some limits:

i have a nest partner, i won't let anything come between us

i do not like misogyny, transphobia, racism, or bigotry. This applies to kink too.

i don't like possessive language, only people i trust can own me

please don't try to make me cum or ask/tell me to

don't call me a bitch or a puppy. i like puppy petplayers a lot, but i am a kitty petplayer.

i don't like being treated as inferior, i might be submissive, but i should still matter and be treated with care and respect

sissy blogs dni, i am a woman, do not reblog my pics to your sissy blog, i will block you if i spot you.

Finally:

i am a toy for others to enjoy!

(Most tasks recieved and completed in one day: 18) (Most tasks recieved on a special occasion: 48)

ASK TASKS: PAUSED

(i'm not well at the moment, i'll do tasks when i'm better!)

use my ask box to send me tasks to do! i'd love to entertain and perform for you all! i am a good and obedient girl, and i enjoy getting tasks to do!

choose one or more task emoji and send them to me! include instructions if you send complicated tasks

tasks can come from anyone, even anons!

i'll do tasks as soon as i can! i have to finish my work wach day before i can play and i've grown very busy lately. basic tasks i'll do on my own, but i'll need help for the slightly more complicated ones so they might be a little while! Mutuals can DM me with DM tasks, and if i'm available we'll play ^^

BASIC TASK LIST!

🗜️ make me wear nipple clamps for 5 minutes! 📦 make me wear 10 pegs on my cunt for 10 minutes! 🤚 make me slap my cunt 5 times! ⚡ choose a part of me and make me use my TENS unit there for 10 mins. 🪆 dolly time! for the next 30 mins make me cup my hands, stay on my tip toes, and arch my back. 😺/🐮 petplay! for the next 30mins, make me keep off my furniture and only move around on all fours. make me put on my animal ears based on which one you send! 🤖 make me a good robot and complete one thing on my to-do list! ♾️ make me get my breast cups and pump my breasts for 15 mins! 🤐 make me gag myself for half an hour! (tell me what kind of gag to use and if I have it I'll use it, otherwise I'll pick) 🧣 make me put on my collar if i'm not already wearing it! 👗 make me get undressed and be naked for the next 30 mins! ✏️ make me write what you tell me on my body where you tell me! 💖 make me draw a little heart on myself where you tell me! 😵‍💫 make me stare at a spiral for 5 minutes (send me a spiral to use) (i won't use spirals that give me bad vibes, but i'll use any i've already reblogged) 🗣️ ask me anything, name a kink or give me a topic to write about (kinky or otherwise) and make me infodump about it. 🔊 send me a post or a write something for me to record saying, and i'll post the recording. 📝 make me go add 100 words to my current WIP novel. 🫴 make me edge for 10 minutes (Send me instructions, porn, a post to edge to, or a mantra to repeat while I do it, you can use my mantra tag for ideas. i cannot do this task on thursdays) 🕳️ make me fill up a hole for 10 minutes! (Choose to plug my cunt or/and ass, i cannot do this task on thursdays) 👅 make me stick my tongue out for 10 minutes! 💋 make me go practice deepthroating for 5 mins! 🍇 make me go get a snack and a drink! ❌ make me go take a break outside for 5 mins! 😴 make me go lay down in bed for 15 mins, no screens allowed.

SLIGHTLY MORE COMPLICATED TASK LIST!

👋 i'll ask my nestie to tickle me for 5 mins! (check my toybox) 🖐️ i'll ask my nestie to slap me 10 times! choose my face or tits 🏓 i'll ask my nestie to hit me 10 times! choose my ass or thighs (check my toybox) 👣 i'll ask my nestie to put elastic bands around my feet and snap the band against my soles 10 times. (nestie enjoys doing this to me) 🫶 i'll ask my nestie to choke me and hold my breath over a 5 minute session (please do not mix with other tasks) ⛓️ i'll get myself tied up and restrained for 30 mins! 🥊 No hands! make me put on my hand mitts for 15 minutes!

DM TASKS

If we're mutuals, you can dm me and play with me in other ways. Ask me for my lovense toy control links, combine tasks into one bigger task, send me files to listen to or hypnotise me yourselves, make me wear a diaper or control my toilet use, or suggest other things to do with me that you'd like! Non-mutuals who've gotten to know me can ask to play too.

Or...

⁉️ Give me a task not listed! (You can find the contents of my toybox here for ideas) (I reserve the right to safeword, but I'm very open and obedient, so shoot your shot)

[sexboobomb]

Wait I think I figured out how to make a pinned post. Turns out it’s very simple and I was just autistically overthinking it.

UPDATE: added a “mutuals fucked” counter to my bio hehe

UPDATE 5/3/24: yeah im gonna add a little DNI bit here because some people have been taking my posts and distorting them in ways that i dislike. DNI if you are a centrist or a non-voter by choice. "Men DNI" or anything similar will also get you blocked.

i am not interested in debating these because if you are smart enough to understand why those are harmful beliefs then you should be smart enough to do better on your own. it is not my job to teach you how to be self-aware.

by all means, please send me hatemail for this. it will make it all the easier for me to block you and get your hateful and harmful garbage off of my blog.

UPDATE 9/18/23: I will be adding many flavors of content to my reblogs instead of just liking them, some of it is bc I want to support the artists who make stuff I like, and some of it is bc I have decided that it's in no way shameful to (gasp) be attracted to stuff. Most active hornyposting and explicitly sexual content will stay on my sideblog, but if you continue following me then from this point on be aware that I will occasionally post things that may be suggestive, lewd, or downright explicit. I have also added the URL to my sideblog down below, for those interested.

Hi there >:3

You can call me V. I’m 22, autistic, adhd, and transfem! I’m a polyamorous bisexual lesbian (so far, exclusively t4t, but I’m open :3). I live in Seattle, and as long as you aren’t a creep or weirdo I’m open to making friends! I am currently in wonderful relationships with @cynthjam, @draconianfleet, @foxgirlpuddle, and @thevicioushotdog!

Trying to try new things and to be a bit more shameless, because I figure I should try to like myself as much as other people seem to. I’m still learning some of my limits, and breaking a few, so feel free to ask me all manner of things but don’t always expect an answer. I occasionally hornypost, but most of the more explicit stuff stays on my sideblog, transgirlhornyposting. Horny asks should also be directed to my sideblog if you want a serious answer. I may put the URL here eventually.

I may include more about my interests here in the future, but for right now I’ll stick to introductions. Check back later and I’ll probably have this updated!

Reblogging my stuff is not only appreciated, but actively encouraged! I enjoy very few things more than I enjoy sharing my interests with others, and reblogging helps me reach as many people as possible with that!

This one is a little bit unusual I'm sure, but for the time being I will not be interacting with any Picrew stuff such as Picrew rebog chains. I have nothing against Picrew, it just sets my dysphoria off more severely than damn near anything else. Wish it didn't but it does, so for now I have to avoid it.

I will block minors, creeps, bigots, or anyone who gives me those vibes even if not explicitly clear. Ageless blogs will be blocked, because I’m not taking any chances here.

As a rule of thumb from now on, I generally will not directly interact with folk (eg. DMs) unless I see you have liked this post to show me you’ve read it and respect my boundaries.

[talesofanaudhdnothing]

Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD 

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed). 

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

[autismcats]

what is the real hidden message of frozen 2′s “show yourself”?

so i got the inspiration earlier to finally rewatch that frozen 2 “show yourself” music video on youtube, and i had some thoughts in the middle of doing so.

as a disclaimer, i just want to say that i’m absolutely queer myself. this is not to discredit others’ interpretations of the song, and this is just my own take regarding my life experiences. i’m not claiming to speak for everyone in this post. in fact, i do still believe queerness has a lot to do with the subtext inside of the lyrics.

but anyway, i remember when the movie was in theaters at the end of 2019 and there were plenty of articles written about how “show yourself” has a hidden meaning about accepting the idea of being queer. there are lots of people my age who were new to identifying as lesbian, gay, bi, and/or trans at the time and i thought it made a lot of sense, especially because the headcanon and theory that elsa is a closeted lesbian was so popular at the time. it paved the way to shipping elsa + honeymaren (elsamaren) and made it easy to read frozen 2′s ending with them dating.

and that’s definitely notable ─ i’m not disagreeing!

but something always felt off about how i related to the lyrics personally and i was never sure why.

until i stumbled upon it again today.

in my opinion, i think the song is better heard with autism (or otherwise neurodivergency) in mind. it tells my story of finding the missing piece much better than it does of my realizing that i’m bi + trans, as well as my coming out.

again, i don’t think the LGBTQ+ reading is wrong! honestly i believe it comes down to a mix of both that and the autistic reading. but i see the latter outweighing the former here.

to me, i looked up these lyrics on google and my mind went straight to getting a diagnosis, an answer as to why my social life has always been so wrong:

i've never felt so certain all my life i've been torn but i'm here for a reason could it be the reason i was born? i have always been so different normal rules did not apply is this the day? are you the way i finally find out why?

everyone has something different to say about what part of their identity has impacted their experiences the most growing up. for me, it’s being neurodivergent. my sexuality, probably like most people (but of course not for many others), didn’t show up until my teenage years; same with my internal gender and outer presentation. my autism, however, has been present and influenced who i am for my whole life. i felt elsa’s longing and determination to find answers to her lifelong questions about not just who, but how & why she is in her musical journey throughout the ice caves.

i feel like we can all say confidently that who we are, regarding being queer, is something we can answer with the factual statement that we are queer and that’s just that, unless of course we get into the old debate regarding if it exists as nature vs. nurture. regardless, it’s always innate to some degree, and doesn’t inherently determine our personalities, behaviors, or understandings. autism & ADHD both do; it’s literally what defines autism as we know it.

that’s my argument. as i said, i’m not looking to “prove” anything or present my subjective opinion as objective fact. my take isn’t that the neurodivergent interpretation is more important or valid than the queer interpretation, just that i prefer the second option over the first.

either way, elsa is, without a doubt, an autistic sapphic! this is (part of) what makes her a valuable, relatable character to a lot of young people and we should always celebrate that. ♡

[thescarletwitchsapprentice]

Imagine: You, a student at Kamar Taj, catch the attention of an unlikely person for a particular reason. (Yandere!Stephen Strange/Yandere!Doctor Strange x autistic!ADHD!fem!reader)

*Not my GIF

(CW: Heterosexuality, slightly-big but legal age gap, magic violence, the dove isn’t dead. it’s only slightly injured, death threats but from the reader, executive dysfunctioning)

Author’s Note: This idea just came to me on a whim. So....I don’t know too much about Doctor Strange or Christine, but I saw MoM....six times. I decided I wanna expand my horizons maybe a little. 

Reader is 18+. Also Strange is autistic because fuck Benefit Cucumber for what he said about us autistic people.

You feel like you’re falling behind.

Even with all of your practice, you’re behind a lot of the other students because it’s not being taught in a way you understand. Even with Wong’s extra tutoring sessions, it’s still difficult to understand.

So you dive into as many books as possible, even breaking into Wong’s study, trying to understand the science behind it. Before you know it, you’ve made a whole-ass mind map and somehow end up hyperfixating on the multiverse. By the time you look up from your other mind map, it’s past midnight, you’re hungry, thirsty, and have to use the bathroom. 

As you attend to your needs, a certain sorcerer happens to pass by what you’re working on, but stops when he sees how extensive your research is. 

“This doesn’t look like Wong’s handwriting....” he ponders.

When you come back, you come to a halt and gasp. Strange looks up.

“Oh shit!” you exclaim. “I’m-I’m sorry, I....I know I’m not supposed to be in here, but....I’m just.....I--”

“You’re trying to understand the magic you’re struggling with,” he finishes.

You nod.

“Yeah....how did you--?”

“I’ve seen you struggle during lessons.....I suggest slowing down and focusing.”

“Already tried that, genius,” you scoff. “But ADHD and autism can be bitches sometimes.”

Strange studies your work some more.

“This is.....extensive,” he comments. “Have you been working on these all day?”

You nod.

“I’ve been trying to figure out if there’s some sort of formula or technique or science behind magic and how I can apply it to my studies, but then I got sidetracked when I saw a passage in a book about the multiverse, so I got caught on studying that. Did you know that there’s a theory that dreams are essentially ways to look into the lives of our multiversal selves? If that’s true, then there’s a universe somewhere where I’m the Sorcerer Supreme. However apparently some people aren’t able to dream because there’s only one version of them throughout the entire multiverse, so they have no multiversal selves to look at. One of these books mentioned that this is common in those who have the power to travel across the multiverse, which is very rare. I feel like I’m getting close to something huge, but I’m not sure what it--”

You realize you’ve been blathering on and stop yourself.

“Sorry, I--I tend to get carried away when talking about things I’m passionate about,” you apologize sheepishly.

“No, it’s....it’s fine,” Strange says, seemingly a bit dazed as he looks at you. “Listen, I won’t tell Wong you were in here, on the condition that you come with me to the Sanctum tomorrow.”

“Why would I go with you?” you ask bluntly.

“Because I have more books that you can read that may help your research.”

This catches your attention and you nod.

“Okay, I’m in.”

“Meet me by the entrance tomorrow morning at 7 am,” he tells you.

You nod and head off to bed. As Strange teleports the research to the Sanctum, he can’t help but think back to how passionate you were discussing the multiverse. It almost reminds him of....

“Christine,” he says in a low voice.

Yes....you remind him of Christine. But she’s married now, and in every other universe, it seems him and Christine are destined to fail as a couple. So if he can’t have her......

His mind begins to form a plan.

==========================================

You wake up and head out to the entrance to Kamar-Taj as soon as possible. When you arrive, you see that Strange is waiting there.

“What about the research?” you pant.

“I teleported it to the Sanctum,” he answers before opening an orange portal. 

The two of you step inside into the Sanctum. While you take it all in, Strange sets up a few last minute things. 

“C’mon,” he says after a few moments. “I’ve got the study all set up for you.”

He takes you upstairs to a study and you’re blown away by the sheer number of books in it. 

“Is....is this really all for me to study?” you ask.

He nods.

“Go wild,” he says, indicating to the desk with your research on it and a pile of books to get you started.

Excitedly you rush over and dive right in, losing track of time. What feels like only a few minutes turns into twelve hours. The moonlight shines in the window of the study; that’s when you notice how musty it it. 

Going over to the window, you try to open it, but it shocks you with a sort-of orange magic. Yelping, you jump back and begin to worry. 

You rush over to the study door and find that it’s open. The hallways are quiet, so you sneak over to the stairs. You try to go down it, but find that you’re thrown back once again by orange magic. Then you attempt to portal out, but realize that your sling ring is missing. Your heart pounds wildly. You rush around the upper floor, desperately seeking a way out, but everything is blocked with orange magic.

“What the hell is going on?!” you whimper.

“Are you finished already?” a familiar voice asks behind you.

Yelping, you whirl around to see Dr. Strange and you breathe a sigh of relief. 

“Thank God. Strange, you need to help me. I’m trapped on the upper floor by this weird orange magic--”

Suddenly you stop as the memory of teleporting to the Sanctum resurfaces to the front of your mind.

“Orange magic....” you whisper.

“Is something wrong, (Y/N)?” he asks, stepping forward. 

You step back, realizing what’s going on.

“Strange, please....” you pant. “I dunno why you’ve trapped me here, but you have to let me go.”

“Why would I?” His voice sounds sinister, making your blood run cold. “Why would I when you’re so thorough about research that you’ve found answers to questions that sorcerers have been asking for centuries....Christine Palmer?”

“Wha....? That’s....that’s not my name--”

“Are you sure? Because you remind me so very much of her.”

Your heart is racing, and not in the good way.

“Wong won’t let this slide, you know,” you threaten. “He’ll get suspicious when I stop showing up to lessons and then you’ll be exposed.”

“I’ve already taken care of that,” he says casually. “I told him that I’m taking you under my wing for studies at the Sanctum.”

“....I-I’ll...I’ll...” You’re losing footing.

“You’ll what, Christine?” he asks. 

Anger seethes through you.

“I’ll kill you!” 

You lunge towards him, but suddenly find yourself levitating in the air, making you cry out.

“....I wouldn’t try that if I were you, Christine.”

He keeps you in the air as he walks you away from the stairs while you cry out, begging for him to let you go. He brings you into a grand bedroom and sets you down on the bed before putting a forcefield around you.

“Since you’re so insistent about running away from your future,” he tells you. “I’m going to make sure that you know where you belong in the present, Christine.....with me. Now get some sleep. I need you awake tomorrow for more of your research.”

He shuts your door, and you soon hear the click of a lock and see the doors glowing orange. Your heart sinks as you realize the truth.

Your fate is sealed.....

[axolozzy]

vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

[mamabeatnik]

Separation of Church & Fate

This year apparently has been about learning self-validation. 

I started school this year, and turns out - I’m not dumb and i’m really good at time management, unlike what i was telling myself. 

I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD (combined type) at the very start of the year, and it turns out those are fuckin REAL and so are the issues they bring to my life. I’m not just a lazy asshole, like i was telling myself.

It’s also been about recognizing old patterns and navigating the essential inner growth. 

Why do i feel these things about myself? Why is my self-confidence destroyed this year? I KNOW i’m not bad, or dumb, or manipulative, and that i am always putting effort into growth within relationships and myself. I like to ask questions because i’m genuinely curious and i want to know what people think and i like to solve problems in ways that benefit everyone. 

So where am i getting this negative self feed-back loop? And why was it missing for a few years but suddenly has come back full-strength?

Turns out that the negative thought patterns i allowed to creep in are not actually my sentiments at all. They’re the reflections of very difficult years in harsh environments built up over time, strengthened by the perceived notions of people who have no fucking clue what’s actually going on. My inner awful dialogue wasn’t something i struggled with as a kid, until the church came along. This would be partially a product of simply being a child, but also being an AUTISTIC child. Most children are who they are, they like who they are, and they don’t realize that there’s anything wrong with them until someone doesn’t like them or misunderstands them. Essentially, all children are taught to be self-conscious and learn that they are ‘weird’ or ‘bad’ or ‘dumb” from social peers and triggered adults and the cycle starts there.

This is true tenfold for autistic children. 

Up until the point I was introduced into a society that isn’t built to include me, i had no frame of reference to believe that i was any better or worse than anyone else. I was ME. I liked being me, until i encountered a religious environment that told me i must acknowledge that i’m a bad person in order to participate and get any social ‘perks’ with my club membership (my father also told me i was 'stupid', an 'idiot', and 'dumb' on a daily basis but that's a story for another time).

This seemed arbitrary. Listening to someone preach love and forgiveness every Sunday while also casting hellish aspersions on non-club members, sanctioning domestic abuse and violence, subjugating their female members, and publicly flogging and banishing members who didn’t adhere to the exact script - none of it made sense. It sure seemed everyone was getting away with something, but because they’d stamped God’s name on it, it wasn’t hypocritical. 

My blood would boil, my blood pressure would rise, and I would daydream about stabbing myself in the neck with my pen, listening to these men preach on and on and on. Which didn’t seem constructive or conducive to personal growth. I wanted to get rid of that part of me that spent the mornings in the pew viscerally angry. Because, as i was being told, the problem was ME. 

I started asking genuine questions because i was confused how such GOOD people could be so hypocritical and lack so much self-awareness. Why would these men tell my mom she had to stay with a man who pushed her down stairs and beat her children and why would they say God wants it? Why would they take it upon themselves to discipline grown adults like they were children and treat children like livestock to “train”. Why would there be a spiritual entity that wants any of this? 

These aren’t ground-breaking questions that should shake the very foundations of a sturdy, well-built religious faith that’s predicated on genuine love and forgiveness. If we were truly involved in the spiritual practice this cult claimed we were, there would be inclusiveness. Kindness. 

Support. 

Grey areas. 

Honest and difficult conversations. 

The ability to share your experiences and have them be received with curiosity and understanding. 

There would be space for mistakes, apologies, and proper conflict resolution. 

Turns out, this was too ideal and not the environment in which i found myself. I quickly learned that asking tough questions and trying to have a dialogue relegated me to the status of “questionable” and “dangerous” - even if I took accountability and apologized. I didn’t understand that. 

Years later, i realized i’d already been marked as dangerous by this community when i was 8. And while it sounds too self-victimizing to be true - it was simply because I shared some info and asked a question. 

My father’s anger was ramping up. He had started taking it out on my mom in physical abuse form, and if i stepped in, it was my turn. Being a problem solver, i figured sharing this info with some older girls at the church might yield positive results. Perhaps their dad could say something to mine. What actually happened was difficult to process. 

The girls went to their mother, who went to my mother. I was pulled aside and reprimanded by this other woman for sharing personal family info and instructed never to do it again. She had dragged my mother over with her and lectured both of us on…something - probably encouraging us to get our feminine tongues under control. Years later, this woman’s husband would recommend that my beaten mother skip the divorce she so badly needed on the premise that God likes faithful and submissive wives. But that's another story.

So this is where I learned that my naturally questioning and problem-spotting brain was THE problem. If you see something suspicious, you will get swatted. If you ask questions, you will be banished. If you speak up for yourself, you will be punished. It doesn’t matter how obvious the problem is, how kindly you try to say it - it doesn’t matter if you’re not contributing to the dialogue in a way that sweeps things under the rug and bolsters the bullshit. 

I had assumed this was only an issue within church structure. Once i left, the pattern seemed to resolve itself. A non-religious social hierarchy built on the same non-friction and passive double-standard principles didn’t seem like it should exist. 

Unfortunately, au contraire. 

This year was about learning that people everywhere feel attacked when you suggest something in the social structure is off and try to have a dialogue about it. In a less aggressive sense, this situation mimicked the one from my childhood - misrepresentation, misunderstanding, an entire group of people telling me i was wrong and insecure, and several others clinging to the idea that i tried to control their lives.

(lol - why are they pretending i have that much power)

The difference this time was that i'm now an adult. I have endless experience being treated this way for asking questions.

i also now know that people - esp women - on the spectrum are treated socially poorly bc they're easy targets due to our trusting nature and our communication disability and inability to understand or be passive aggressive. So we are labeled confrontational and aggressive. Dramatic and rude. This time around, I can observe it from a more secure vantage point. i don't have to let it rule my life or destroy my self-confidence. Or convince me that my intentions are bad or my perspective invalid. I can simply remove this dynamic from my life altogether. I can stand up and leave that pew behind.

What surprised me wasn't that i was encountering these accusations of being dangerous again. What surprised me was that it was a social structure of people in their 30s, who should know better. What surprised me was that the church structure i'd worked so hard to leave behind exists alive and well, but on a social level.

Certain social groups it turns out, can  also be built on rules and certain ways of doing things. None of this is the more ‘correct’ way, it’s just become whatever is easy and more acceptable by a majority. There’s even a game element to it - and as long as you play by the rules and don’t upset anyone - even if their behavior has negatively impacted you - you have a club membership! Don’t rock the boat! Please be sensitive to others but the minute you ask them to be sensitive of you, it could end poorly for you and only you! If you have a mental breakdown because of years of hiding an unknown disability, you will be accused of trying to take advantage of someone financially! You're not a partner! You suck! This social construct hates consequences, but we definitely have some for YOU!

This provides a nice set-up for people that lack self-awareness or good intentions - or have yet to sort through their negative patterns of behavior. People who aren’t BAD per se, but also aren’t trying to grow or take accountability. Charismatic people who charm the pants off friends but gaslight and stonewall their partner behind closed doors. People who haven’t learned conflict resolution. People who don’t understand boundaries. People who are blind to the fact that most of society functions around using your friends to get the attention and validation you want rather than learning to get it from yourself. And these don’t make them bad people. No one is perfect, and we all have blind spots and struggles. 

The distinction lies in whether or not they’re willing to accept responsibility and pay attention when someone shares negative feedback or says “hey…i think we have a problem.”  The only bad person is someone who makes a mistake and does not apologize or learn from it, but chooses defensiveness and projection instead (at the end of the day, that will affect THEM negatively the most). No one likes to hear they’re wrong or fucking it up, but it’s a necessary part of being a human if we want to grow and improve. It’s a personal pattern to break. Humans are here to communicate and help each other.

Reliving an experience adjacent to my church upbringing as an adult has been eye-opening.  This year, i realized this is where my personal responsibility to breaking this pattern as an Autistic person comes in. Because of the autism, I will be dealing with this in some form for the rest of my life. The pattern contains many things - my participation, my willingness to trust that most people have good intentions and want to be better and will listen when someone speaks up, my effort to fit in with everyone else, my desire for connection. In certain environments, these expectations will be true. Recreating my experience as a child of witnessing fishy behavior, boundaries being crossed, and trying to step in for someone that was not my responsibility was my fault. I willingly chose to do this. That's my shit to work through.

And while it is not up to me to accept the blame for how people respond or their behavior, my responsibility, in order to avoid putting myself in these witch-hunt situations, is to learn how to recognize in which environments asking questions and solving problems is accepted, and to pursue relationships within those. Because, based on how my brain works and my communication style, no matter how much responsibility I take for my side of the street, other people will find some sort of problem with how I am.

However, I can complain about how i’m being treated for speaking up for myself all i want, but if i truly want growth and a healthy environment, i’ll stop choosing social spaces that label me as insecure and controlling, and i’ll stop choosing people who play the victim and misrepresent me and gossip.

If i am in a place where i cannot open dialogues with people and learn and grow with them, then i must seize the opportunity to trust myself, my intuition, and my emotions. Time to practice the self-validation that i have struggled so much with over the years and learn the warning signs of this particular pattern, so that i don't have to play this game again. i can validate my own experiences. I can seek environments where deconstruction of social norms is encouraged, and where my question-asking brain isn't THE problem.

Because if all it takes is one person challenging the "way it's always been" to topple a social or religious structure and wreak havoc, then what was that foundation built on? Certainly something that was already false and unsustainable to begin with. If the structure of whatever i'm questioning is truly sound, it shouldn't result in defensiveness and fear and gossip. It should add to foundations and be embraced as another unique nail that holds it up.

In a sense, I'm grateful to be confronted with this strange dynamic again. These experiences teach me how NOT to be. I don't want to live my life unable to take responsibility and unable to embrace different points of view. That's where we lose growth and accountability and stay the same. That's how we are adults with a child's conflict resolution skills. That's how we tell ourselves that our point of view is THE one and we harm and ignore the others.

Be respectful. Speak up for yourself. Ask questions. Point out problems. And if people don't like it, that's their problem.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hey i first and foremost love this blog! no matter who sends what you have information on the topic and i do appreciate that..

i know most people with autism are ok with being antisocial, but sometimes even online. as someone who had adhd and autism on the spectrum. my RSD goes bonkers sometimes and i get the feeling not even fellow autist like me.

i know life is shit. im going through alot myself. but i always chose social media to meet new likeminded people but lately especially where now everything is a popularity contest its hard not to meet someone whos indifferent or antisocial.

and in turn people that seem like they come on too strong for me.

is autism and social media a good match or am i just kidding myself? am i ever going to meet people i enjoy talking to and vise versa? 31 years and have been in and out of friendships online and irl. gained a good sense of self worth and positive outlook on life too. why do i feel singled out?

Hi there,

First and foremost, I do agree that life is shit.

I had to read this a few times to get the gist of all this.

I’m antisocial myself. I just like being alone all the time. I recently lost a friend from my childhood and I’m still struggling with it. We were t hanging out as much anyway.

I’m sure you can find a community out there somewhere. However, maybe taking some breaks from social media for a bit might help? I know I’ve taken some breaks before due to being overwhelmed.

I think the reason you feel isolated is because you’re different and have trouble socializing with others around you (at least I do). This isn’t a bad thing though, a lot of neurodivergent individuals feel the same way. The world just wasn’t built/adjusted for us. And that is upsetting.

I don’t even know what to talk about with anyone, especially strangers. I’m also afraid of bringing up my autism because I’m afraid people will start treating me weird.

I’m sorry for the long reply. It ended up being a ramble instead. I hope I at least said something helpful.

I appreciate the inbox. And I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[forcebookish]

Something really small that bothers me. Is that to me. Mew is extremely autistic coded?

Like maybe it’s because I’m autistic. And game recognizes game. But there’s something about him that feels familiar to me.

So when I see some of the criticisms of him as being “emotionless”, “selfish”, and “cruel” it feels like. Really shitty.

Because I don’t know what show they’re watching. But Mew is like. Really caring? He’s constantly checking in with his friends to make sure they’re okay? He apologizes when he is wrong? Just because he is blunt and careful about his boundaries doesn’t make him cruel? Like I genuinely am confused by the takes I’m seeing about him.

But given how people tend to view how autistic people as emotionless robots it doesn’t surprise me people haven’t tried to understand him.

I saw someone say he’s evil because he doesn’t care about anyone. And I just. Fuck off with that.

There’s also the fact that he kind of feels like he’s on the asexual spectrum to me. Which are also a group that people call emotionless robots. And like. That’s a whole other thing.

This has no point. But like. Can we not demonize every character that expresses emotions in a way that is different from the norm?

that's a really interesting perspective, anon! i'm maybe?? probably??? autistic, definitely have adhd (which you may know some experts suggest is part of the spectrum), and i also recognize a lot of myself in mew. it's one of the things that makes it kind of hilarious when i see people say that they're "like mew" and that's "why" they hate top, like... you know that mew likes top, right? you know that mew sees the best in him, right? lol

it's really frustrating to see so many people not even try to understand him when he's always been upfront and straightforward about his feelings. like, is he supposed to be squirrelly or over-the-top? why can't a guy just be honest? where is the evidence that he doesn't care for his friends when he's constantly talking about how much he loves them (even when they don't deserve it😡)? this fandom has such a bad habit of not believing characters when their words and actions match up, like!!! how do these characters have to act for you to believe them!!!!!!!

and i think you're right about mew being ace! i wish i could find the tweet again, but p'den (one of the writers) literally said he was "probably demi," and if you watch how uninterested and unaffected by gap he is - plus the fact that he couldn't have sex with top because he didn't know him well enough - that totally seems the case.

and even if he weren't ace, there are plenty of people who aren't who also don't want one-night-stands and prefer dating over having sex with strangers, draw a line when it comes to hooking up with friends, and are careful about their virginity/who they date. it should be a super easy concept to grasp, but i think people just see what they want to see.

thanks for popping in, anon! i hope it's at least a small comfort that there are people like you who get and love mew for who he is💗

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

The C!Prime Primer!

Since I’ve been getting a whole lot of new followers after my Pokemon posts, I’m sure a lot of you are confused about the two little guys I’m constantly posting about. This is the post for that!

What is c!Prime?

c!Prime is short for c!Primeboys. c!Primeboys, or c!Discduo, is the name for the platonic relationship between c!TommyInnit and c!Dream from the Dream SMP.

So, are these real people?

No. c!Tommy and c!Dream are fictional characters portrayed by the YouTubers they are named after. They’re very distinct from their actors.

Didn't you know that the real people involved are problematic?

Yes, you don’t need to tell me and I do not support that. I do not watch or interact with Dream or his content at all, and while I think Tommy is alright as a whole he’s done bad shift I don’t support. I simply don’t see why that should affect my writing of fictional characters they played in a no longer active server.

So, who are c!Tommy and c!Dream?

c!Tommy is a severely mentally ill child soldier who, while loyal and good at heart, hides that behind a mask of toxic masculinity and is just kind of a dickhead teenager a lot of the time. c!Dream is a mad scientist obsessed over the idea of immortality, who hides his emotions and attachments out of fear yet desperately wants friends and family. The two of them are in a deeply unhealthy and abusive friendship, where c!Dream is physically and emotionally abusive towards c!Tommy and conditioning him into seeing him as his only friend.

Is this canon? Was the Dream SMP always like this?

Basically, yeah! While a lot of the content I have about them comes down to personal interpretation, they canonically are part of a storyline about child abuse and trauma.

Why are you so obsessed with Minecraft child abuse?

Multiple reasons. For one, I'm both autistic and ADHD, and it’s both a special interest and a hyperfixation to me. Also, I just enjoy writing horror. But most importantly, the Dream SMP and c!Primeboys storyline helped me come to terms with my own abuse, and I want to help others do that with my own work.

What if I'm uncomfortable with these themes?

Feel free to block the “Primeboys (Derogatory)” tag!

Is this meant to romanticise/glorify/normalise abuse?

Absolutely not. I intend to do the opposite- to depict abuse frankly and to show how horrific it’s effects are. Ideally, I’d like to help others realise what they went through wasn’t okay, as that’s what canon helped me do. I intentionally depict aspects of abuse often not shown- most notably, non-sexual abuse by an unrelated authority figure, the mindset of an abuser, and the mixed feelings a victim might have to their abuser, but this is not to normalise anything. It’s to shed light onto overlooked areas of abuse in the hope it’ll help people realise that this is a part of it.

What's with all the AUs?

I like AUs. Also, I am plagued with visions about them that haunt my dreams.

Why are you so defensive over two Minecraft characters?

Years of harassment. I had a harassment campaign against me accusing me of shipping these two, romanticising abuse, being a predator myself, and in general sending me victim blaming bullshit and gross sexual shit in my inbox since I was a minor myself. I also have moral scrupulousity, and part of that revolves around fiction. Sorry if I’m a bit of a bitch about that, literally just tell me because sometimes I don’t realise it.

[lucysweatslove]

So I finished the book #97 today (the third Dr. Gretchen White book- I enjoyed this plot more than the prior, for sure).

I couldn’t really decide what I wanted to read next because a new book in a world set in a really cheesy and kinda mindless series release on KU today. Like the writing isn’t anything spectacular, the plot is always like wtf, but it’s entertaining because i can have my brain “off” mostly. I’ve been gravitating towards those kinds of books lately- maybe some allegory but nothing difficult and mostly just fun- to give my brain a break.

But. I have other options to start that I think might need to be read sooner.

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (the nonfiction book by the mortician Caitlin Doughty). I borrowed it from the library then got sucked into some KU series and forgot about it so it was returned yesterday… but… and this is the big but… I have Wi-Fi off on my actual kindle, so it’s still on there. It was on hold for a while, and I AM really interested in it, so unless I want to wait again, I can’t sync my kindle again until it’s read. I can still read Kindle books on my phone so it’s not a huge deal, but I generally prefer to read via kindle. It’s not very long and I could probably finish it in a few hours, but I read like 5 pages of it yesterday and really struggled to stay focused.

Neurotribes by Steve Silberman. This is also from Libby. I got it on audiobook (less wait time) and it’s like 19hr long. I listen usually at 1.5x speed. Because it’s an audiobook from Libby, I listen to it from the app, and once it’s due, it’s gone. It’s due in 12 days. I’ve already started it and I’m ~21% through. So far I’m kinda mad because he talked positively about Hans Ass-Burgers (making fun of HIM, not the particular “pattern” of autism he described, because he was FULLY AWARE of his involvement in the murder of numerous autistic kids)…. But also it was published in 2015, which was before much of his Nazi involvement was really discussed publicly (Herwig Czech’s article published in 2018; Edith Sheffer’s 2018 book and subsequent articles). So idk. Also anytime anybody brings up the “extreme variant of male intelligence” BS I want to punch something (even tho the author essentially said it’s more likely that women just mask because socialization).

Technically I have The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean also due in 12 days, but I haven’t downloaded it to Kindle yet, so I could only read it on my phone.

I’ve also started to read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, of which I’m on page 26/216. This one feels like a “not much thought” kind of nonfiction, but still some thought is required, of which I’m not thrilled about, but I downloaded it from KU a while ago and I do want to “empty out the vault” so to speak.

I also downloaded another KU series, Te Princess Chronicles, that seems mostly just fun. I did open up the first book a few days ago and read about 10 pages in that before I got distracted and decided on finishing Ninth House instead. But I’m oddly drawn to it again because it just seems fun.

So you see my problem? I have technically started on 4 books (have reasons to finish 3 of them ASAP) and have 3 more on my list… but I only want to read the ones that I have no pressure to finish.

It’s like the autism part of me is interpreting the reasons why I “should” finish the couple books I should finish first as a “demand” and thus I don’t want to read them (PDA profile?)… and though the ADHD part of me is like “oh but look this book is ✨N E W✨” it’s also like “oh, no sense of urgency? Ugh boring.”

[obstinaterixatrix]

WAIT OH MY GOD I HAVE TO TYPE THIS OUT BEFORE I FORGET. genuinely and sincerely I think it’s hysterical. so air was playing octopath and at one point there was a skit with osvald and someone—I’m p sure throné was asking him if he ever swore eternal love to his wife and he said something like ‘no. I never say anything I cannot empirically prove with math.’ and air points at the screen and goes ‘most autistic man alive’ and I was like ‘well, I wasn’t gonna say, but’ etc and then we talked abt it later while talking abt family stuff and I was like. air. I am just now realizing. I literally don’t have a memory of dad saying ‘I love you.’ AND I DON’T MEAN LIKE IN A TRAGIC WAY THIS IS LITERALLY SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER OCCURRED TO ME IN MY ALMOST 30 YEARS OF LIFE??? BECAUSE IT WASN’T RELEVANT???? as in there’s always been enough emotional security expressed otherwise. anyway this came up partially because we were talking about how knowing my parents makes it Extremely Make Sense why I am who I am, they are. and I say this With A Feeling So Complicated. they are in fact adhd-autistic power couple. and I have to re-emphasize this isn’t something that weighs heavy on my heart I TRULY think it’s legit HYSTERICAL that I have no memory of my dad saying he loves me and I ONLY realized it JUST NOW because of video game. listen it’s just like this and that’s fine.