#and i'm kinda sad that there's no ending where they just start dating normally

[tecchan]

So I finished Room No.9 yesterday, and boy am I thankful for the option to turn off scat stuff. They really had to make the enema scene slightly different in each route so you'd have to read the whole thing again every time huh?

[inlovewithl3vi]

i haven't wrote anything with demoncest in it recently and that's kinda sad so here I am to share my thoughts.

With the new aquarium event there's a segment with Asmos dolphin and Belphies squid, where they talk about how the animals want to be together but are too different to be kept in the same space. I feel like this could be something normal on how siblings can still enjoy each others presence without being similar. But.... the way they worded it made me think of how truly different Asmo and Belphie really are when you compare them to each other. But just the way it's written in the game it makes it almost seem like they are longing to be with each other, wanting to be closer to each other but their differences are keeping them apart. Almost as if it's some trope about star crossed lovers.

this got me thinking about Asmo and Belphies relationship after the aquarium event, how they also realized they enjoyed each others company more than they thought. For example Asmo likes when Belphie comes in his room in the morning, peacefully sleeping in his bed while he does his skincare routine and makeup. he also likes how he can talk and Belphie will listen- even if he seems asleep he can still know what he's saying.

Belphie likes when Asmo talks to him after a long day, he says his voice is calming and helps him sleep at night. He also likes how Asmo will help him take care of himself when he's too tired. He likes when Asmo lets him sleep in his bed. His sheets are silk and scented like Asmos sweet smelling perfume. Of course he has to deal with Asmo constantly wanting to cuddle, but he finds himself enjoying it more often.

in the end they end up realizing that they are actually are a good pair. Asmo makes the first move, he ends up kissing Belphie on the head when he's laying in bed. eventually it progresses to a kiss on the lips every night before they go to bed... then it carries to the morning where they kiss before heading to RAD.

eventually they just end up in a full relationship, the other brothers notice too. the only problem is they don't notice. eventually Mammon ends up pointing it out to Asmo and Beel points it out to Belphie. They probably would just go with it too. just being like "huh... guess I'm dating my brother now"

-

Bonus (NSFW) - one day Asmo comes home from shopping and before he even enters his room he can hear quiet gasps and moans. he slowly opens his door, just to see Belphie laying in his bed humping his pillow while he sleeps. He can't help but giggle at his brother's actions as he sets his bags down and slowly lays down in bed, not wanting to wake his sleeping little brother. He slowly snakes his head between his brother and the pillow, moving so Belphie was grinding against his hand and not his pillow. at the sudden change Belphie slowly starts to wake up, already noticing Asmos hands on him. "hmm?" he grumbles out, stopping his hips movement. "shhh, Don't worry your older brother will take care of you." Asmodeus reached his other hand up to stroke Belphies cheek before tugging at the waistband of the pajama pants Belphie had on.... (ngl I might make that into a full story so I'm cutting it off there lmao)

[aoki553]

GRGRGRGRG FINALLY AN OPPORTUNITY TO INFODUMP ABT HIM!!! tysm @makifishcake and prepare for a long ramble abt best boy ever (to me) and why saijun is real... let's start with an introduction to a canon crossover character only The Loser (me) cares about! this is gonna get messy in writing near the end cuz its like 3 am for me rn.

Kouno Jun is one of the two protagonists of Asou-sensei's older work, Our Hero Studies and is one of Haganeno Ken's students at Holy Lance Academy (a private school that either exists the same town as Saiki or some neighboring one)

The only translated OHS chapters so far show us who Jun and Haganeno are as characters. Kouno Jun's a generic tsukkomi high school student with normal teenage boy interests and crushes... he's baby and a total boyfail.

Jun likes video games (Kaisou Monogatari, an in-universe franchise), ramen, melon soda and Yayumi - the class rep. Pretty normal dude that's just being constantly bothered by his classmates and the teacher he hates...

...and then there's Haganeno Ken - THE delusional cosplayer hero wannabe teacher with huge interest in roleplaying and RPG video games, who immediately takes a liking to Jun, mainly for his name (his name means shield, while Haganeno's mean sword. you see where i'm going?)

most of the ohs panels will be machine translated cuz i have no strength or motivation to continue my actual translation work ngnhnh one day maybe... 😔

He may look like a generic high school shonen manga protagonist, but it's actually really charming to me how adorable he can be despite the boring presentation lolol HIS CRUSH ON YAYUMI IS SO CUTE UGHNHNH

And yeah of course he shows up in Saiki bc WHY WOULDNT HE???

Asou-sensei put him there twice. In the Christmas chapter where he's walking with a girl (MOST LIKELY YAYUMI), sees Kusuo sitting alone and being like "haha that's so sad to be lonely on christmas lmao"... EXCEPT ITS HILARIOUS CUZ HE DOES THE SAME THING IN HIS OWN MANGA'S CHRISTMAS CHAPTER.

and in the Hero Studies crossover chapter, right at the end as an unused character. (wouldn't make sense to have two tsukkomis there tbh so i get it lolol)

Same thing happens in the anime except Jun in the Christmas episode wasn't animated like he's an actual pre-existing character, except just a background character so he looks different but has the same jacket with his initials so its definitely him.

so here's all his screentime:

his terrible sense of style was referenced by Takeru at one point as well. yes, Jun dresses terrible and he has outfits much worse than this. hes a loser and i love him

okay but what's with the saijun thing? orz

basically its a silly ship me and my lovely sweetest gf (@lu-kario ) came up with and it kinda stuck around. "omg haha what if the two protagonists from different manga dated" but yeah it became an actual thing with thought out scenarios between us.

Me saying it'd be like satousai but Kusuo finds someone "normal" with actual personality would be not giving this ship enough justice. I can't tell much rn cuz I forget 90% of the stuff i make up unless i write it down BUT all i'll say is that

I like to imagine Jun and Kusuo having a calm and nice relationship, lots of quality time spent playing video games or going out to get some ramen together. Kusuo gets to have someone more usual by his side and Jun isn't likely to be bothered by Ken when Kusuo is around (:3).

and yeah, they do get another scene together in volume zero! how lovely! the christmas episode is also one of the reasons i find the ship cool but even despite the sillies having canon scenes and illustrations together i like it simply for fun.

canon crossover ships are cool and epic

my final words: go read ohs its fully in japanese online and 5 chapters are in english so far.

seriously go read it the fandom doesn't exist its really lonely.

and if you care abt our hero studies u can motivate me in the ask box, gimme a kick on the butt so i go and translate this work again after like a year or more of hiatus

[ddlcpoly]

Our third year of high school is here and everything is fucked. I originally started this club like a third of the way into my second year of high school. I wanted it to be a place where people could be free to express themselves and be passionate about what they love, and it was for a while, we even got 5 members, including myself. But then Sayori and her best friend who we call MC started dating, and so did Natsuki and Yuri (Which I was kinda surprised by). I would normally have no problem with my clubmates dating, if not for the fact that I'm in love with all of them.

Although, even that is not the worst part. We hung out this summer a lot and that included the summer festival, we all had a good time, we had some laughs and we saw the fireworks. At the end of the day I drove everyone back to their house, with MC and Sayori’s houses as our last stop. MC looked weird that night, but said he was tired and just needed to go to sleep and ran off to his house, leaving me alone with Sayori.

I don’t really know what came over me, whether it was the thrill of the day I just had, how stunning Sayori looked in her clothes, the cute way she thanked me for driving her to her house, how heavenly her genuine smile was at that moment or the fact that I’m just a terrible person that takes advantage of the people I love behind their backs. I genuinely do not know what came over me, but I lunged at her and kissed her, it was quick, not even more than a second, but I think I did a bit too passionately. Sayori pushed me away, and it looked like she was blushing, although that could’ve been me imagining things while the darkness of the night covered the truth. She ran into her house after that, not saying anything.

We haven’t spoken since, I’ve actually haven’t heard from anyone from the club. I fear it’s because Sayori told everyone of what I did to her, but I don’t think Sayori would do something like that, even if I deserve it, she’s too sweet to actually do something like that. Even so, it really worries me and all throughout Summer I thought that the Literature Club would be no more.

This is why I’m so nervous, sitting down, resting on the clubroom’s door. I saw that everyone was sitting with their desks arranged in a circle, something we only do when we have to have a serious discussion. I AM going to go inside, I just CAN’t right now, I need to gather my breath and just think of something, ANYTHING to justify myself or make them all hate me less, I just can’t go in there just to lose the most important people of my life.

A tear falls on my lap, only then do I notice that I’m crying, I stifle a sob and hear a window open. It’s MC, he opens the window next to the door, he quickly jumps over it and sits down with me “Hey, I, uh, are you OK?” I look at him confused “What? Aren’t you mad at me?” “Oh, uh, um.” he looks as if he’s thinking for a bit “Well, I was mostly confused and sad after the whole festival thing, not gonna lie, but I still care about you Monika, seeing you cry, no matter the circumstances, will make me worried.” I look at him, smiling, “You're amazing.” I say “I, uh.” he stammers “Thanks. We should we go in, there’s some things I don’t think you know about and we need to talk about.” he says as he gets up. “What kind of things?” I ask, as he helps me up, “Mistakes, we all made some mistakes that night, Monika, including me, and Sayori said we need to talk about these things to see how we should move forward.” I take a deep breath. “Ok, let’s go in.” He opens the club’s door.

1/4

[godfrey-the-chaos-duck]

this just in: Irish loser is Sad™ because all my friends can go and do shit but not me apparently

Vent under the cut, I'm really sorry about this but I have to get it off my chest (it's nothing too serious but it is kinda long)

I'm eighteen. I've voted twice. I've finished secondary school. People my age are planning holidays and going to college and moving out and actually living life, and I feel like I'm falling behind so so much.

I don't have a bank account. I don't have a passport or any form of photo ID with a date of birth. I don't even have (or want!) a driver's licence, I will circle back to that later though.

My parents (particularly my mom) keep saying they'll help me get set up with all the above but because Mom's busy with work and Dad's really forgetful, it never gets done.

It's gotten to a point where I don't actually see a point in getting these things set up, for the following reasons:

I haven't had my name legally changed yet so everything would be set up under my deadname. Which. Fuck that.

For a bank account to make sense I would need money and I live in literally the textbook definition of "rural ass farming town" so the only jobs around that don't need experience are working in the supermarket or food service. I would, and I'm not exaggerating here, rather launch myself into a black hole than do those jobs because I've heard from my neurotypical peers how hard they are so I can only imagine how awful it would be for someone with autism like myself. My only other option is to try and get unemployment benefits but like. What would I even be spending the money on? Certainly not a house (the housing market in Ireland is literally impossible) and not a holiday either.

For a passport to make sense I would need to be able to travel, and quite aside from the No Money thing (see above) I've been fucked over by fate yet again because Mom doesn't trust me to go places on my own. She's only quite recently started letting me take the bus to a town half an hour away with friends. I don't even see the use in asking her to go on a train/plane/ferry unaccompanied because I know for a fact she'd say no. She'd say something along the lines of "we should do this together a few times first" which, understandable, but then she's so tired from work and busy with housework on the weekends that that never ends up coming to fruition. Add to that my crippling anxiety, catastrophic thinking and fear of the unknown, and I have basically conditioned myself into thinking I can never go anywhere more than a half hour's drive away without a parent.

I do not want to learn to drive. My dad keeps telling me I should because it would give me freedom, except no it wouldn't. It's not like I could use his car because he needs to go places too, and I could probably never afford my own car cause that shit is expensive as hell to run and maintain, so I really see no sense in learning. Also, I have the navigational skills of a teaspoon, so I would be basically guaranteed to get lost.

All of this has come to a point where I'm super hesitant to ask for anything because I know that either my parents will outright say no, or I'll end up chickening out because they'll remind me there's probably something I haven't thought of. (Mind, they don't often fully explain what)

And this was fine a few years ago when I had no friends and couldn't see how people actually lived their lives, but as my friends are all telling me about things they plan to do, I guess I'm having a lot of realisations.

The first time a classmate of mine said she was going on a holiday independently with some friends of hers, my first immediate thought was, "Do her parents just not care?" This would've been a little over two years ago, when I and all my class were around 16.

Now, though, I'm realising that teens going places on their own is actually NORMAL and that, big surprise, I'm once again the weird one. I told Mom about this and her response was "there's no right speed to do life at" which is right, you shouldn't do things if you don't feel ready to do them, but I don't know, something about this whole situation feels kinda wrong to me.

Here's the thing that's made me emotional today though.

The big Pride festival in Ireland is on June 29th. I wanted to go last year with my friends but Mom said no because it would be "too crowded" and "what if something goes wrong and I can't be there for you" and all that. And the worst part? She's right. It would have been very overwhelming.

Anyway this year, my friends aren't going, so even if by some miracle Mom's answer was going to change, I would feel awkward not being able to go with anyone I knew. So I'm not even gonna ask.

The way I see it, I can't move on with my life in any way as it stands. I can't release music, or publish books, or sign up to act in anything, until I get my name changed, because I do not want to be renowned under my deadname.

But I also feel like I can't change my name until I move out. My parents say they need to know where I am all the time, to the point where I once had an outing with a group of friends interrupted by a call from my father because I had left with the group from the coffee shop he'd dropped me off at, to a different shop somewhere else, two minutes' walk away.

I don't know. I feel like I have no freedom or independence and I'm genuinely unsure whether this is normal for people my age, or if it's an autism thing, or if my parents (again, particularly my mother) are being weird.

Basically what I'm wondering is

Is it healthy to be in this situation? And if not, how can I get out of it?

Again, I'm really really sorry about this, I know I don't usually get all personal on here but just. I feel weird about this and need some advice or at the very least a virtual shoulder to cry on

[leverage-ot3]

What are your k drama recommendations??!? I need new ones

omg my time has come thank you anon for giving me the opportunity to ramble about shows

I ended up talking WAY too long so I'm putting everything after the first one under the cut

all of us are dead- show about high schoolers as a zombie apocalypse starts. very funny and relatable, literally they call the police and are like 'have you seen train to busan?' bffrrn. has a lot of social commentary and there are references to the sinking of mc sewol (a cruise that sunk where the captain deserted it and left a large amount of high schoolers to drown). commentary about how adults save themselves first/leave youth to fend for themselves. one of my comfort shows and although they didn't intend for more seasons, it was received so well that they have been renewed! I am also an ot4 truther and sometimes talk about them on my international shows sideblog: @nam-on-jo

sweet home- (disclaimer: I am not caught up and have not yet seen s2 which came out a little while ago) honestly I have no idea how to explain this so I'm gonna copy-paste the blurb: as humans turn into savage monsters, one troubled teenager and his neighbours fight to survive and to hold onto their humanity. basically people turn into monsters for [redacted] reasons and everyone in his large apartment building is stuck inside trying to fend for their lives.

my name- I'm just going to paste the blurbs going forward because it's easier: Following her father's murder, a revenge-driven woman puts her trust in a powerful crime boss -- and enters the force under his direction. bro some of these twists I expected but others caught me off guard. I love the main character and am a little gay for her but I think that's valid because she's a bamf. there was a plot point at the end of the second to last episode that I really didn't like and made me very upset. narratively I get why they did it but it made me sad so I'm still pissy. might get around to writing a fix-it fic one day when motivation strikes because my girl deserves better things.

the guest- a detective, a catholic priest, and a psychic join forces to fight crime caused by supernatural forces. not to say they are my ot3 but they kinda are. (other ppl interpret it is a lesbian and her two bi/gay bffs which I also accept but. ot3 tho). LOVED every twist and turn and how the three of them go from not trusting one another to being family. genuinely one of my favorites from all the kdramas I've watched over the years and I want to rewatch it again soon

happiness (tvn)- The residents of a high-rise apartment fight for their lives against a deadly infectious disease while Sae-bom and Yi-hyun try to find the person because of whom the virus spread. bro I adored this. some characters annoyed me (which means they were written effectively) but it has so much. fake dating/marriage (they wanted a better apartment lmao). annoyances to lovers. mean/rude woman soft for sunshine man. what you will do for the people you love. morals and humanity during a catastrophy. *smacks show* you can fit so much into this. no but seriously, I thought this was a really interesting take on the zombie virus! so some of the time you come off completely asymptomatic and 'normal', so people can get away with acting normal and hiding the disease around other people, so the paranoia and mystery is REALLY amped up. had me guessing a LOT. sae-bom and yi-hyun are both cops/detectives and you find out really early (ep 1/2?) that sae-bom is immune which gives a really interesting dynamic that leaves her (to yi-hyun's exasperation and heightened blood pressure levels) to be kinda reckless in the pursuit of truth and salvation. I'm rambling now because this is making me watch to rewatch but yeah as a zombie/dystopia/apocalypse lover this was a good watch. it's more story-focused than violence-heavy which was a cool and refreshing twist

alice in borderland- okay y'all I am aware people had mixed feelings about s2 but overall I did enjoy the series. 'Obsessed gamer Arisu suddenly finds himself in a strange, emptied-out version of Tokyo in which he and his friends must compete in dangerous games in order to survive.' what can I say, I love a dystopian-esque setting.

the silent sea- imma be real, I only watched it for loml bae doona from sense8. 'During a perilous 24-hour mission on the moon, space explorers try to retrieve samples from an abandoned research facility steeped in classified secrets.' basically earth is in severe crisis mode as they run out of water to drink. water has recently been found on the moon, and although there was a mysterious tragedy that happened previously to researchers looking for water in a base on the moon, they have reached a level of desperation where they have another mission to look for moon water. mystery, paranoia, a couple of good twists ensue. I thought it was pretty good even though I have some mixed feelings about the open ending.

semantic error- yes I am sliding a bl into this list. bitch you thought. of course my bl-loving self would mention this (I forgot about it until I looked up good kdramas to remind myself of stuff I have watched). 'A strict, rule-abiding computer science major must work together with an artist with a polar-opposite personality to his.' confident cool boy meets bitch boy. it's great.

and of course...

leverage con artists- I would be fired from running this blog if I didn't mention the beloved korean spinoff of leverage. 'The series follows the story of Lee Tae-joon, a former insurance investigator who forms a team of thieves and con artists to target the rich and wealthy. The team was also formed to avenge Tae-joon's son's death.' I've posted about it before so I won't go super into it but it's VERY camp, a good time, and the ot3 is alive and well. debatable more overt than their predecessor!

other mentionables:

I tried watching kingdom (again for bae doona) but couldn't really get into it. might try again later because it's critically acclaimed (I think) and has even gotten a spinoff series

my roommate really liked mr queen. I didn't really pay attention when we were in the same room and they were watching it but it's fruity

the island on amazon prime was good! interesting plot but not in my top 10 or anything. worth a watch if you're looking for a kdrama to watch in your spare time. features girlboss businesswoman being thrown into a world of the supernatural because [redacted]. supernatural black horse man keeps her safe while keeping a life-changing secret.

let's fight ghost was a thai show that I saw and loved that was adapted into a kdrama called bring it on ghost, but honestly I couldn't get through it because I liked the thai one better.

train to busan is technically a movie but it's iconic and well-known and I highly suggest watching it if you like zombie/apocalypse movies. disclaimer: kdramas do not have the slow 'walker' zombies. they are fucking fast and the stuff of my nightmares. would probably just jump off a bridge if this actually happened ngl

I did think that extraordinary attorney woo was cute. I never finished it and know that there are VERY valid criticisms about the perpetuation of media portraying people with autism in the stereotypical savant ways. however, I liked how the love interest accepted her for who she was, loved her because of who she was and made efforts to accommodate and learn how to comfort her in ways that would work for her

business proposal was pretty decent if you like lighthearted romance- I didn't finish it but would like to at some point

tale of the nine tailed was another one that my roommate and I started watching but never finished. it was alright! just lost interest

shows on my watchlist:

black knight (netflix)- 'In a dystopian future devastated by air pollution, the survival of humanity depends on a group of deliverymen known as the Black Knights who navigate the wastelands using unconventional means.'

copycat killer-

hellbound (netflix)-

shop for killers (hulu)- 'A nephew who lost his parents and grew up in the hands of an uncle who runs a shopping mall faces a new truth after his uncle's sudden death.'

the legend of the blue sea (viki + hulu)- 'A magistrate's plan to release mermaids into the ocean backfires when they're caught by fishermen.' (legit I just miss mermaid media)

gyeongseong creature (netflix)- 'In the city of Gyeongseong in 1945, a group of young people thinking only of their own survival encounter a monster born of human greed and ask themselves what humanity is.'

dark hole (viki)- 'A mysterious black fog from a petrochemical factory's sinkhole turns people into bizarre figures; people who are not infected try to survive in this middle of pandemonium.'

the cursed (multiple)- 'An enthusiastic social issues reporter, fighting against the evil hidden behind an IT conglomerate, meets a teen-age girl who is possessed by a spirit and has special abilities.'

blood (multiple)- 'Dr Park Ji Sang believes in the sanctity of human life, and struggles to treat terminally ill cancer patients and save lives while at the same time being a vampire.'

the ghost detective (viki)- 'In this horror thriller drama, a detective who catches ghosts tries to solve the case of his younger sibling's death with the help of his assistant.'

possessed (netflix)- 'A smart-mouthed detective and a reclusive psychic medium join together to get rid of the ghost of a murder who was executed 20 years ago.'

connect (hulu)- 'A man is kidnapped and one of his eyes removed by a gang of organ hunters; his eyes was transplanted into body of a serial killer; the unwilling donor now has terrible visions as he witnesses terrifying attacks on the residents of Seoul.'

and now just because so many of these only have het romances, I looked up k-dramas with lgbtq representation... (some of these recommendations were from articles from screenrant, movieweb, this subreddit, herzindagi (bl-focused), allkpop)

schoolgirl detectives (viki)- 'Five teenage girls join together to investigate mysterious incidents that occur at their school, as well as help classmate deal with bullying, depression and other crises.'

be melodramatic (netflix, viki)- 'Three 30-year-old best friends, Jinju, Eun-jung and Hanju each pursue different paths in both career and love. Despite life's difficulties, the three friends can always return home at the end of the day and support each other.'

lily fever (available w/subtitles on youtube)- 'The story revolves around the budding relationship between Kim Kyung Ju and Jang Se Rang who meet when Kyung Ju can't find her passport and has to go to her friend's house to try and find it.'

love alarm (netflix)- 'In a world in which an app alerts people if someone in the vicinity likes them, Kim Jojo experiences young love while coping with personal adversities.'

nevertheless (netflix)- 'The story of a romance between a man who is annoyed with relationships but likes to flirt and a woman who wants to date but does not believe in love.' (wlw side couple romance)

[fishsticksloser]

Can i request rottmnt romantic mikey x human!female reader? One-shot or hc.

Plot: Mikey and reader are in serious relationship with marriage in mind, Mikey appreciate how reader is putting effort in their relationship; spend time with mikey, working together in their relationship, even giving mikey alone time if he wants to.

Mikey start feeling a bit sad that he's not putting much effort in the relationship so he seek help from his older brothers for advices - tho they aren't in a relationship - which surprisingly help him make his and reader's bond stronger.

You're Still the One

Mikey x fem!reader

Warnings: aged up, fluff, Mikey centered 2nd person, kinda short :/

A/N: Mikey is about 24-ish in this... Why can I spell reservation fine but I'm struggling to spell restaurant right the first time...

After a pretty serious conversation about the future of your relationship, Mikey thought a lot about it. Not just about what you had talked about, but about your relationship in the past. He realized that you did a lot for him, you put in a lot of work into the relationship. He felt unworthy.

You both pretty in tune with each other emotions, but you always seemed to know what he needed, he had no clue what you needed. He noticed that you would drop everything for him, but he never seemed to do the same.

Mikey knew he wanted to propose soon, so he wanted to do whatever you would want for it. Didn't want it to be public? Perfect, a nice, candle-lit dinner in. You wanted to share it with those close to you? Awesome, he'd contact your family and friends to find the perfect time, place, and date for it. Whatever you wanted, he'd give it to you.

He didn't want to propose without trying harder in your relationship. Mikey ended up going to his brothers. They were older, Leo and Usagi had been together longer than anyone else had been together.

"Why did you call us here, Angelo?" Donnie asks.

"Um..." Mikey hugs himself nervously. He had to hope they wouldn't make fun of him. "I need help. So... y/n and I have talked about getting married and everything..."

"That's great!" Leo smiles.

"But...?" Donnie shoots a look at Leo for interrupting.

"I've realized that she does a lot in the relationship." Mikey continues. "I realized I don't do too much for her. So... I was wondering how to do better."

"What makes you think you aren't doing enough?" Raph questions.

"I don't know how to help her deal with certain situations, she knows what I need all the time... She makes all the plans."

"Why not take her out?" Usagi suggests. "Normally you guys go to the Hidden City for a date, right? Why not take her topside for once?"

"And how is he going to do that?" Donnie scoffs.

"With this..." Usagi pulls out a cloaking device. "As much as it sucks not being able to go up top as yourself, I think she'd like to show you what it's like up there, with people like her."

"I... Don't know what to say..." Mikey looks at the cloaking device Usagi placed in his hands, stunned.

≺✨*: .｡. 🧡 .｡.:*✨≻

"Where are we going?" You ask, following Mikey. He enters the alley, it's still light outside so you grab him. "Mikey!"

"It's okay." Mikey tells you. He puts the cloaking device on. "I made reservations at this restaurant down town."

You 2 make it to the restaurant and walk in. The reservation was under "Hamato." You 2 were quickly seated. Mikey smiled across from you.

"You did this... for me?" You smile.

"I'd do anything for you." Mikey answers. "I realized that you spend a lot of time with people like me... You deserve to be around normal people. Plus, it's nice to get away from all that craziness. So... I thought this could become a normal thing for us."

"Really?" You grin. Mikey nods. "Thank you so much, Mikey."

[ambreiiigns]

PLS discuss rick's love w birdperson

GOD the call of old man yaoi innit. easy website. ok let's just go over every birdperson moment in the show to Explain the Story

we first meet birdperson in the s1 finale. morty's parents go on a trip and rick has to babysit the kids and by that i mean rick and summer throw a fuckass party and rick invites all kind of fookin creatures including birdperson (the crowd goes wild) at said party pers meets summer's best friend tammy and they. hook up and start dating. tragedy. but what also happens is we have our first hashtag emotional plot twist when it's revealed that rick's stupid fucking wubba lubba dub dub I HATE IT catchphrase is actually a normal phrase in pers' language! that very simply means "i am in great pain please help me". i have so many thoughts and prayers about rick choosing to express something so vulnerable in pers' language. (we will later see him choose to be vulnerable to/for pers so that's just a Thing. ig.) he travels the entire universe he could have easily chosen a language No One of the Few People be keeps around understands but he chose pers' language. some might say he trusts pers enough. batshit already.

anyway both the first and iirc second time we see pers morty's mad w rick and pers has his back and defends him and convinces morty to stick around which is. so polite of him. but something i Also wanna mention early on is that pers and rick met sometime in rick's idk young adulthood while he's out there killing other ricks. they meet at some kind of festival and rick's carrying like alien vape in a backpack and pers takes a hit and they pick up squanchy somewhere too (they're the Main Dudes In The Gang) they have a band. briefly. lmao. but also they're rebels fighting The Federation. rick calls it his star wars phase or smth. ok we'll get back to this era later

now. s2 finale. one of the Best Episodes. pers and tammy are getting married!!!!! [cursed emoji] and rick is SO GRUMPY abt it. he doesn't wanna go but they drag him along and once he's at the ceremony he gets so drunk he's like. almost passed out. rick is Always some level of drunk so for him to be like. going limp fnajfnjat it has to be Astronomical levels right. yet he picks himself back up enough to give a little speech proclaiming birdperson as his best friend and that he'll go along w whatever makes him happy so if pers loves tammy then rick loves tammy too!! and calls it his greatest adventure - opening himself up to others! and immediately after tammy reveals she's an undercover agent of the federation and Shoots Birdperson Dead. and rick cries out his name and goes nooooo. horrid

the federation then pieces pers back together w robot bits and sends him off to kill rick, rick knocks him out but doesn't kill him he just takes him home to fix him up as close to Before as he can but pers has sort of. put himself in a coma bc he Did care abt tammy. and not only did she betray him but now rick has also Killed her so he kinda just wants to rot and die. so. this is also one of my fave episodes. rick has to go in pers' mind and memories and convince him to basically come back to life. this is where we get their whole backstory !! as said they met at a festival and fucked around until rick joined the rebellion. it started as pers helping rick w "his stuff" and rick helping pers w "his stuff" in exchange. i'm realizing i'm making it sound like they were taking turns jerking each other off but what i mean is yea rick helps pers w the federation but pers helps rick w killing other ricks. so basially rick joins the rebellion for pers?? 🤨

culminates in blood ridge which is this big ass battle between federation and rebels and it ends WELL. they WIN. but rick talks abt blood ridge like it was a 9/11 type event so you're like WHY is he sad abt blood ridge. and then we see it. at the end of the battle rick is once again emotionally vulnerable w pers and he shares his Big Secret w him. his portal gun that can take him anywhere in any universe. he asks pers to go w him wherever he wants. i'm reminded of rick initially turning down rick prime's offer bc "it sounds lonely" and. i guess it fucking is. he wanted his best friend w him. he reveals a fundamental part of his mindset he always brings up - that there's countless versions of reality and therefore nothing matters, so pers asks him. if nothing matters why did you help me? and rick tells him. because you matter to me. pers reads this as the Fucking Love Confession That It Fucking Is, and Awkwardly Turns Rick Down As Such. fucking friendzones the fucker. he goes "our relationship,,," and rick doesn't deny nor correct him!! he just goes like OH MY GODDDD DON'T DRAG IT OUT JUST SAY NOOOO

anyway. this trip in pers' mind. rick has teamed up w a younger rick from pers' memories and after seeing blood ridge he's like ok i get why you were so bitter. it wasn't the battle that went bad. why do you wanna save pers then? and our rick goes because you love him. and memory rick goes I don't YOU love him maybe. and our rick is like yea bet are you gonna help or not. and he's so serious and focused bc this is SERIOUS. so once they finally do get to pers and rick tries to convince him to come back to life basically lmao pers is like i'm SORRY i'm not over tammy unfort we can't choose the ones we love HE SAYS THAT TO RICK'S FACE??? and in fact rick gets pissy and goes YEAH NO SHIT WHY DO YOU THINK I'M STILL IN HERE. he reveals pers has a fuckin daughter out there and pers decides to come back to take care of her he thanks rick for not giving up on him but quickly fucks off without his usual politeness bc he's a bit mad at rick anyway. fair

when we see him again in s7 he's having a hard time parenting his rebellious birddaughter but agrees to hanging out w rick and their friends and they seem chill. i hope to see him more next season i genuinely adore him so much. the only people rick is THIS weak for are like. morty obviously summer on some level and his fuckin Daughter. Y Birdperson. the only time he admits to someone that they're special is to beth and pers. not even morty gets to hear it ‼️ we also have like them kissing w tongue in the comics once and a faggy little musical number but those are just Barely canon. what Is canon is that rick is queer which is forever really funny to me. and he goes and has a one sided unrequited situationship w some bird dilf like. who's doing it like him. the you need a high iq to understand rick and morty crowd ain't ready for this

[johanna-swann]

Okay, so here is how Buddie can still win without us throwing Marisol or Natalia under the bus and without them being just meaningless props:

Buck and Natalia date for a while (I'm thinking at least 5 to 6 months) and they take it relatively slow with the big steps like their first "I love you" and meeting the family and stuff like that. No rushing in, no moving to fast. They're really happy together.

Eventually they start talking about living together but can't really decide where that is supposed to be. Buck is all for abandoning the loft (fuck that loft), but Natalia's appartement isn't really that big either. They discuss looking for a new place together and Buck throws the idea of children into the room. He's just trying to be practical because moving is exhausting, especially in LA, and do they really wanna do that again in a couple of years?

And that's what eventually breaks the deal. Because Natalia can handle the dangers of the job (death is her job after all), she loves Buck's eccentricities, she loves his found family and they fit together really well. But she doesn't want children of her own. And that's not really a negotiable topic for Buck. Holding Kameron's baby in his arms really showed him how much he wants to be a dad. So they decide that even though they work as a couple and they're both rather heartbroken about this, they need different things for the future.

Eddie and Marisol have a really good relationship too. He thought she was kinda cool the first time they met and she just gets what makes him tick. He may not be in love yet, but he definitely has a crush on her. It's not like the thing with Ana. He was with Ana because he felt like that's what he was supposed to be doing, but he chose Marisol because he wanted to.

Everything is going great until one day over dinner Marisol says "I love you" and he can't say it back. Sure, he likes her. A lot. But love? She says it's okay if he's not there yet, she just wanted him to know. But as the weeks go by Eddie feels more and more uncomfortable with the situation. It's been months, why won't the big feelings just settle in? Where's the feeling of "I want more of this, I want to live with you, I want to marry you one day"?

Because in general, that is what Eddie wants. A life partner who he can share everything with. And he really likes Marisol. Why won't those two things just fit together? Marisol is a great person and patient, but at some point she notices Eddie's discomfort and sits him down to talk things over. Eddie answers her questions honestly because how else are they supposed to work things out?

At the end of the night she breaks up with him. She doesn't think that Eddie will just magically wake up one day and be madly in love with her and silently Eddie agrees. He's sad to see Marisol go and doesn't want to lose her. But it's not fair to her to keep her waiting for something that's just not gonna happen.

So coincidentally, Buck and Eddie end up single again roughly around the same time. Again. Neither goes back to dating. Eddie because if the past has shown him anything, it's that he can't force a relationship with a random stranger. Buck because he's scared of getting his hopes up again for something that the other person can't give. They just stay single and start spending more time with each other (and Christopher) again. They talk about their hopes and fears about dating and love. It just grows naturally from there.

And - magically or not - one day Eddie wakes up to the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen and the smell of fresh pancakes in the air and he steps into the room, eyes finding Buck and Chris next to each other sporting twin grins, and he's in love. Maybe the realisation should scare him, but it doesn't. It just feels normal. The sky is blue, the earth is round and Eddie Diaz is in love with his best friend.

He tells Buck later that day. It's a quiet moment, Christopher's working on a school project in his room, Eddie's washing the dishes, Buck dries. "I love you", he says calmly. There's no expectation behind it, no big speech following the statement. Buck looks at him. Surprised at first, a small smile beginning to light up his entire face. "Of course", he whispers, as if he should've known all along. "I love you too."

[maseyfilms]

SILLY ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU — M.M19

summary. you know what they say, friends with benefits just work until someone falls in love, and unfortunately it already happened.

pairing. mason mount x fwb!fem!reader

w.count. 1.2k+

warning. angst, sad ending, some curse words, making out ? idk

a/n. i hate this, is short, but i might write a part 2 someday. not inspired in halley's comet by billie but i like the aesthetic idc

masterlist

your relationship with mason was kinda... awkward. you guys definitely weren't dating however it was not a one-time thing too, it was more like friends with benefits.

you met on your best friend's birthday, lauren, which turns out to be girlfriend of mason's best friend's, declan.

you relationship started friendly, some drinks with your common friends, birthday parties, until that day you met at a nightclub.

both of you so drunk it made you lose part of your memory, just coming back the next morning when you woke up totally naked in mason's bed.

and that was when your little thing started. whenever one of you needed sex, was just one call away, you both shagged.

the sex was just sex. no kisses. no hugs. no 'i love you's or 'your the best'. it was just like two strangers having sex and never seeing eachother anymore. the only difference was that beside the shagging, in other moments you guys seen eachother and act like normal friends.

and it's just like they say. friends with benefits just work until someone falls in love. and unfortunately it already happened.

god and you hated yourself so much right now.

being jealous was never something you used to feel, and being jealous of someone you weren't even dating was passing through the limits.

though it was painful to see mason talking with another girl in the club you and somefriends were hanging out.

the chatting between them was nothing but a friend talk but still, she was way more prettier and nice and...

you shook your head and close your eyes while drinking the last sip of the glass of whiskey you were holding. you shouldn't be thinking about this, you couldn't, even in pain you couldn't have this type of feeling with someone that's was never yours.

the alcohol was already going to your brain, which means it was home time.

saying goodbye to your friends you called a taxi on your phone and went straight outside. it was like 2AM or something, you were alone, drunk and kinda sad. perhaps you should stayed at home instead of going to the club.

outside was cold, dark and empty, except for the drunk people throwing up on the curb.

waiting for the cab and shivering from the cold wind, you felt a hand touching your shoulder, and instantly you turn your head back to find a really drunk mason with a lazy smirk resting on his face.

"heyy y/nnn! i didn't saw you inside! where you were, huh?" he spoke while he was trying to pull you towards him holding your waist. "you know, i called you last week but you never answered..." he pouted, then rested his forehead on your shoulder. you could smell the alcohol coming from this breath.

"i-... i was really tired that day, things weren't fine at work so, i slept earlier, sorry..." you lied. the things were good at work, although you were avoiding him, trying to figure out what was happening inside your mind, inside your heart.

with his voice muffled by your skin he whispered:

"i missed you, love"

and then you freeze.

he'd never had given you a pet name or something. and he called you 'love'. that feeling that was cutting you up inside was what he had decided to call you.

suddenly you thought you couldn't breathe. quickly breaking free of his grip and taking two steps back.

"are you okay?" he asked with a worried tone, oblivious to the weight of what he had just said.

"i'm..." you tried to say, but luckily your cab had arrived. you just ran and opened the door to get in, resting your head on the backrest and rubbing your eyes. you just had to clean your mind.

then two weeks passed, it was a saturday night and you were cuddled with your blankets and cushions when your phone started vibrating. reaching your hand to pick up the phone on the coffee table you saw the name you least wanted to see on that screen. mason was calling you.

you couldn't answer it, you wanted to but you shouldn't, so you just waited, hoping he'd just give up. but then it went to the voicemail:

"uhmm... hey y/nn. i know you don't... i feel you don't wanna talk to me, i don't know what i did but i'm sure you have your motives but..." he paused. you could hear his footsteps, going back and forth. "today's match went suck, i don't know if you watched it, probably not, though i... i miss you and, if you want to or... could you please come here? i'm in my flat... " he sighed and the voicemail ended.

that's how you ended up in his apartment door. sighing before knocking three times, instantly meeting mason's glossy and tired eyes. he was shirtless with only sweatpants and messy hair.

"hi." he said, moving away from the door for you to enter. you responded with a small 'hey' and entered the apartment.

"i'm sorry for the match today, i didn't watch it but by the way you said i could tell it was bad..." you confessed, shyly looking at your feet when he held the sides of your face and out of the blue kissed you.

it was a soft and sweet kiss but also needed. you both missed that so much, felling eachothers skin touching and kissing until you can't breathe anymore.

suddenly the kiss got deeper and hotter and both of you started to take of your clothes, what resulted in you two making out with in his lap, just in underwear and mason kissing all over your neck.

however, he reached your bra strap and sucked a small purple stain behind your ear. "i love you"

you freeze.

you could not be doing this, you brain was telling you to stop, that it would've been just like the other times, you both shagged then you go back to home and drown yourself in the shower, regretting what you have done. but your heart, your heart was telling you that he meant that, that he really loves you just like you love him.

still, this time you choose your brain, being hurt one more time because of that supid 'follow your heart' concept it wouldn't happen.

you stand up from his lap and started to reach out for you clothes, tears covering your cheeks while you looked down trying to hide them.

"i-i'm sorry, i didn't mean that i-" mason spoke, confused, getting up from the couch and trying to reach for your hand but you pulled away. when you where completely clothed you looked at him.

"that's the problem mason... you don't mean it" you sobbed as you wiped your tears with the sleeves of your sweater. "and the other problem is that, i do love you, and i mean it, i fucking hate myself for this but i mean it. i really, really, fancy you, but it's not reciprocate and that's oka-"

"that's not true, i.." he interrupts you reaching for holding your left cheek and wiping your tears with his thumb, however you hold his forearm and pushed it away.

"so tell me that you actually meant it..." you softly whispered while looking into his eyes. "tell me that you love me just like i love you".

silence.

"i...." he paused and sighed. "i can't"

hearing that, you stepped back towards the door and then a sad smile appears on your face.

"me too mase..." you added while tooking the door handle. "this" you spoke pointing to you and him with tearing eyes. "i can't"

then you leave. no goodbyes or call you later. this time you actually gone.

[blazernot]

Magnus Archives Final Season Thoughts

Okay. Statement begins

Normally I started with ranting about how much I love Jon, but I'll save him for last this time. This season was a lot. Quite a lot. Some of the statements were really cool and dreamy but this season was a wild frickin ride.

Martin my beloved. He has to deal with so much, like he is literally dating the man that caused all this. It's so funny because he is just some guy, he is so normal compared to Jon. But he is also very silly. He was so annoyed that Jon wouldn't kill the people he wanted dead. Like Oliver and Simon were just allowed to vibe. He was so confused the whole time and I don't blame him. His mental health is through the drain yet he's the sunshine one because someone has to in this miserable place.

Daisy my beloved. I know she was a violent cop but she's my meow meow. Jon saying he never forgave her for the forest was something alright and I was so sad when she died. Like I know why she had to but DAISYYYYYYYY.

Bashira was also there. Don't have a whole lot to say about her tbh. I like Bashira but she didn't do a whole lot that made me feel insane except kill Daisy.

Okay so Georgie and Melanie accidentally becoming cult leaders was something I did not expect at all. I assumed that they would be fineish due to their fearlessness and blindness but I wasn't expecting accidental cult leaders. I'm glad the colonel was okay and just vibing as an avatar.

Seeing a lot of the avatars was super fun. Not!Sasha's death was very satisfying and the rest were terrifying. Like I'm glad they're dead but I didn't like that Jon could just do that. Like good for him but this man should not have God like abilities I do not trust him with those. I'm so sad Helen had to die I really liked her and I was still recovering from Daisy's death so I was very upset. Rest in peace queen

I'm gonna be honest with y'all, I don't really get the web? Like I never really clicked with Annabelle. I probably would've if we had seen more of her since I'm easy to please but where it stands she's fine but I don't think the series did enough with her.

Honestly I'm not quite sure how much I love the ending. Like I'm not angry about it or disappointed or anything like that, like I don't mind it. Idk what I was expecting but I think I was just really caught off guard by Jon tricking(? I don't really know how to describe it) the group and doing his own thing. At first I just though he was distracting Jonah so Martin could sneak attack or something but no. I understand why Jon did it, he didn't want to spread the fears and have the others feel guilt, "I don't want anyone to feel this" from the previous episode type beat. But this man had the guts to lie to everyone and then try to mercy kill the world.

Okay Jon my beloved time! He was so good this season. The romance were the bright spots in a very bleak season. Idk how to even describe my thoughts on Jon besides that his actions were very tasty

I feel so bad for him! It's like he did cause this whole mess, but he was also tricked! His! Whole! Life! He was a tool! Elias said that he made choices but his fate was sealed when he was eight!! Like this man had never not been used in his life! What choices could he have made differently! Probably if I sat down and thought about it I could come up with a list, but with his headspace I just don't blame him for everything. Yes he was a jerk in the first few seasons but his story is so tragic. He's so ridden with guilt and trauma and makes bad choices! So I think him becoming the eye the only way things could've ended for him.

Then Martin busts in with the power of love and they decide to stay together. Their I love yous destroy me more then anything and of course I get one at the ending. Martin's daydream about the end was kinda right? They did kiss and there was an explosion but there was no button just him having to stab his boyfriend :D! And then they're just gone. They could be dead, or they could be on a beach somewhere. Idk

There's apparently a sequel in the works or something so we'll probably find out there idk I haven't looked into this at all since I'm not very interested in it atm. I need time to process this one

Jon and Martin my beloveds they will always be famous

I hope the three girls stay friends. maybe they could go find Jordon or Oliver and vibe with them

Bashira's closing remarks are so simple but, so so good. I love you queen Bashira you will always be famous. Georgie and Melanie will also always be famous as well.

Statement ends, thank you for these past two weeks tma

[ginnsbaker]

Hi :)

I don't have much to say about the new chapter other than it was really good. And I loved that it was so long, i normally hate it cause I get bored really quick while reading so i take a lot of breaks but this time it was actually ok (even tho it took me 8 hours to get through😅)

The fight really pained me but at least it ended good. I feel like ever since I started reading your stories I have become more emotional cause some things I read and find sad now I normally would never give a shit about it, like I was about to cry when Leigh and y/n fighted and I never do that (it might actually be because im getting older and almost not a teen anymore but I choose to belive it's your amazing writing)

Spoiler alert⚠️

I got the biggest smile on my face when Leigh said "I love you" and "I do love you" when she said the first ily I was like "finally" but the second was so damn cute cause she reassured y/n.

Question - are we gonna learn about what happened to y/n's father and brother?

Ps earlier i didn't mean to make an assumption about your body/look i just meant that you gotta be in good shape to run a marathon cause that's really impressive to do.

-🐮

Hi again! :D

Typically, my longer chapters don't resonate as well, likely because they are, well, long. I considered keeping the date chapter brief, but it's the only one where they engage in deep, meaningful conversations, and I really wanted to highlight that.

It was initially 10,900 words, but I managed to trim it down to 10,700. I believe I could make it even shorter with another round of edits. Regardless, the entire fic will undergo a thorough editing process before I release the PDF version, similar to what I did with In Losing Grip.

I ramble too much :P

Oh my gosh, you're so young! I'm excited for you to experience the full spectrum of emotional and mental growth as you head towards your 30s. It's quite a journey. Growing older can be a lot of fun—at least, it has been for me.

re: Leigh's I love you- she wanted to reassure Y/N that she meant it ;)

⚠️SPOILER: Regarding Y/N's father and brother—it will come up in conversation. Y/N is flying her mom over to LA for the holidays.

p.s. it was me who projected my idea of a person in "good shape" :P sorry! you're right, someone who is in good shape doesn't necessarily have abs, but it's the first thing that comes to mind. im kinda obsessed with having them, and it's so. damn. hard. :(

p.p.s thanks for reading the latest chapter!

[crystalsandbubbletea]

My trauma (Technically a vent post)

CW: Death threats, suicide mention, possible sexism, stalking, war, Islamophobia, racism, body shaming, kidnapping threat, Christianity, swearing, ableism, death

Never thought I would be making a post about my trauma yet here we are. I decided that I would divide this into parts.

My bully

I would say that it started around kindergarten, but according to my mom that doesn't count because I apparently lied about being bullied when I knew that I was being bullied, yet she didn't believe me because that bully was nice to her, so that meant he was an angel.

Instead, I'll just say it started around second grade.

In second grade, there was this new kid who moved, he wasn't in my class but we had a lunch and a recess together. I don't know why, but he decided to pick on me, he would constantly call me names. I dismissed it and thought that it wouldn't get worse.

I was wrong.

In third grade, he called me "Stupid and ugly" and even said that he bet I wasn't even related to my parents and that they only adopted me out of pity, and even said that he couldn't believe God allowed someone as ugly as me to live. I ended up crying to my parents about it and that's when they knew that this wasn't a normal case of bullying.

I should also mention that he would frequently stalk me at recess, and I would have to spend the entire recess hiding from him. I did have those few fortunate moments where he didn't seem to find me so I was able to enjoy my recess.

Things got even worse in fifth grade. He threatened to kidnap me, tie me up, throw me in the back of a car, then drive the both of us off a cliff.

I'm just glad he never knew about Enaya, I just know that he would have been terrible to her as well. Or maybe he did know about Enaya and I didn't know.

At some point he ended up going after another one of my friends and said "If you don't go on a date with me, I'll call the police!" And my friend responded with "They'll just arrest you, you creep."

Yeah, she didn't take shit from anyone, and I kinda wish that I could have been like her.

At some point, I was at a museum with my parents and siblings, and this museum had a planetarium, and I was hyped about it

Except guess who was there?

That goddamn blonde bastard, my bully.

He was being creepy to me the entire show, and I started crying at some point. I think at some point one of my siblings snapped at him and told him to leave me alone and that he just had a sad life, he just laughed in response and insulted them.

After the show ended, I told my parents that I didn't want to stay, and they understood, so we, along with my siblings, went home.

Note: Bully's parents saw what he was doing and enabled it, they said "Oh he just had ADHD" and "He just likes you! Just love him back!"

My parents and my fifth grade teacher (Note: This isn't very important but my mom and fifth grade teacher went to the same highschool together and had the same graduating class together, they were also good friends) did everything they could to make sure that I wouldn't get any middle school classes with him, except that backfired.

It wasn't just one class, nope, it was all of my classes. The principal knew how bad he was to me, and still decided that he would have the same classes I have.

My parents and fifth grade teacher bombarded the principal with a shit ton of emails, until the principal finally decided I would be the one getting a schedule change.

The reason? "[They] have ADHD and Autism, [they] would be too much for those teachers anyways."

Fortunately my sixth grade year wouldn't be as bad as elementary school, as the bully would move to another city. He was a different school system's problem now, so I ended up thinking that my middle school year would be great.

How wrong was I.

Enaya

I made a few posts about Enaya, even made a eulogy post once.

Anyways, Enaya was a very good friend of mine, she was Palestinian-American and the first Muslim friend I had. I remember seeing her around school and wanting to talk to her but really didn't until around either fourth or fifth grade during one of those fortunate recesses where my bully didn't stalk me.

It was that conversation between us that our friendship started.

She would tell me about Palestine, and Palestinians culture, and it interested me, but it also exposed me to how shitty the world was to Palestinians and Muslims.

I'm ashamed to admit it took me until sixth grade to realize that she was being bullied for being Muslim and Palestinian.

People called her a "Terrorist" and accused her of plotting another 9/11, they would even try to pull off her hijab.

Oh, and how could I forget? Those dumb fuckin' white girls who acted like they were feminists.

They said that she didn't have to wear her hijab at school, after all her father couldn't harass her for it, so she should just take it off. To say it made her uncomfortable would be an understatement.

I remember refusing to just watch those people harass her for her ethnicity and religion, and how I was told to "Piss off!" because it wasn't any of my business.

Fuck those guys, that was my friend, a friend that I now know that I loved as a sister, that they were harassing.

I remember her telling me that she had dreams of a free Palestine, and even said that maybe one day we could run through the cities of Palestine, or maybe even have Jaffa oranges.

To say I wanted that would be another understatement, I loved that dream, and needed it to become a reality.

I also remember that Enaya constantly talked about wanting to help people when she got older, and I told her that she would, and that I would also always be there to support her and that we would always be together forever.

I was wrong. Nothing lasts forever.

I was twelve, and it was after summer and the first day of school. I remember eagerly looking around for Enaya, as I wanted to know if we had classes together.

Instead her brother Soroush approached me.

That's when I found out that Enaya had killed herself.

He told me that there was a note left for me in her suicide note, and she had written "[Rian], I want you to know that there wasn't anything you could have done, and that I was very happy to know you, you were a great friend and I'm glad that you decided to talk to me that day. Please don't blame yourself, please continue to live and be happy not just for me, but for yourself as well."

How could I have not blamed myself? I felt, and still feel like, that if I had just been there more for her, if I had just fought harder for her, then maybe, just maybe, she would still be here.

I also felt bad for her family, her parents and brother were angels, and I can't imagine the hurt and pain they were going through because of Enaya's suicide.

I ended up trying to suppress her memory, acted like she didn't exist.

Until last year around November. That's when I realized that I hadn't forgotten her, after all, who did I base (one of) Alex's sister(s) off of? And who did I name that sister after? And what about her personality? And why did I ask her family if they would be fine with me basing a character off of Enaya?

And how else did I get my Prolonged Grief Condition and PTSD from? After all I was twelve.

Or maybe she was half of the reason, and the other half was my girlfriend.

Alina

I only recently talked about her, I didn't mention her name.

Alina was my girlfriend all the way in Ukraine. Her and I met on TikTok when we were both fourteen. We at first talked over DM's before deciding to give each other our Discords. And soon we were talking way more, even calling each other sometimes.

One day though, one of us confessed. I don't remember if it was her who confessed or if it was me. But I do remember that we were both very happy.

I remember that I would tell her about Ponca culture, and that she would tell me about Ukrainian culture, we even taught each other some words.

I also remember at some point we swore we would meet up when we were both eighteen in Seattle. I don't know why we picked Seattle, was it because we thought it would be romantic to run through the streets? Who knows..

Happiness doesn't last forever though.

February 24, 2022. I wake up in the middle of the night due to my phone buzzing from messages, and I saw that Alina wanted to talk to me. Not wanting to wake up my brother, I took my phone and walked into my bathroom. I asked Alina what was up, and she asked if she could call me. I said yes even though I was tired and had school in the morning.

That's when Alina told me that Russia had invaded.

I remember constantly praying to my gods and goddesses to spare Alina and her family. I was praying to my goddess of fate more though, after all, she had already taken Enaya from me, I didn't want to lose Alina as well.

Cue January 1, 2023, I ended up getting a call from one of our mutual friends, Faddei was his name. Faddei informed me that Alina and her parents were killed.

I don't remember much, but I remember that I was home alone, and that I hung up before dropping my phone and screaming and crying. I didn't tell my parents about what happened.

All those plan, gone...

I still haven't recovered from Alina, my first love..

... I wish I could post more, but I'm crying now..

Dammit, why do I still cry for those who are already dead..

[imnotreal-png]

>:) -- Entry 1

OK i just smoked a joint after i wrote the date and now im kinda chillin but imma still yap on dis hoe.

I am a loser. Like a huge loser, okay? Like im not dumb or wtv, i may have reached a weird and insane level of self awareness, but im just as much of a loser as anyone else.

I keep catching myself trying to people please and overstepping my boundaries and justifying it with "oh everyone else does it, so what, its normal" like ok dumb bitch that doesn't make it okay, get a grip.

But i will be yapping away abt alot of stupid bullshit i deal with and stupid things make me sad. I am very well aware that I am irrational, but these are things i feel in those moments that i always hold in because i don't want people 2 see that weak side of me. It's embarrassing and it's not me.

In truth, i have nooo idea what i'm doing. I have 0 clue on where i'll be in the future. I didn't think i'd make it this far and not on some suicidal shit (idk if u can say that word here, oops.), i just genuinely thought that i'd somehow perish?? Like i wasn't really real in some weird way. I just didn't exist. Even though i was always the center of drama or the cause of all things chaotic, i was always misunderstood. god that's so fucking cringe but hear me out.

I always said shit that i believed was clear enough to be understood and yet it wasn't. Even my tone apparently has been rude this entire time. But no one would actually tell me how i come off, they just ate it up in silence and then spaz on me. Even now i don't really understand because i truly believe i am very clear on what im saying. Yet it's still...not seen the way im trying to show it? Idk if im making any sense bruh but whatever. Maybe im narcissistic but no one understands my brain the way i attempt to express it...or i guess how i see it. Idk i guess im just frustrated that no one understands me or gets my brain.

Also it's super cringe when people tell me im mature for my age. Literally eat my shit. actual ick. get away from me.

I hate my mom. She hates me too but she hates me bc I'm not the pussy she wishes she was when she was my age. She's the most childish person i know. I genuinely do not care what she thinks of me whatsoever. She's just power hungry and immature. Actually, I don't even hate her, i just hate that she gets to have all this power over me. I just want my freedom, thats it. She can hate my lifestyle or whatever the fuck, as long as im not living with her. At the end of the day, im truly content with who i am as a person and my moral compass etc, she cant affect that. I just need to have my own space and leave her household to finally be free and actually experience life in a comfortable and more peaceful way. I guess that's all i can say rn. I just wish she would respect my boundaries and stop treating me like im her competition and she'll always be superior. She won't and i cannot wait for the day she finally see's that lol.

!! super irrational moment alert !!

LMAO this is super cringe but like when i started music i put "listen 2 my moozik" in my bio bc we say muzik in albanian but americans wud have 2 read it as moozik to get it right + its funny? Ever since i started rlly getting exposure and performing out there, all these NON SLAVS/BALKANS have started putting it in their bio's 🙄 like be fr, its sooo obvious (at least to me). And now some of these mfs i've interacted w startes stealing my lingo and the way i type [this isn't how i type when i txt friends. its worse and i shorten everything in a miserable way cuz its funny] and it's cute at first but now mfs on social media posting the way i do and talking the way i do. [insert side eye bc yeah] and it's kinda cringe cuz they're actually rlly shallow and mainstream people, they just look like they trying 2 hard to be quirky. lol.

im probably tweakin tho idk.

i wish i grew up with art. i wish my parents had that and were able to introduce it to me. I feel like a fraud when i try to be creative and do things. Even with making music. As much as i enjoy it and love it and it really does make me happy, it feels fake. I can't play any instruments, i can't sing, im far from a good writer, fuck if know anything abt music theory...i literally just click buttons and make sounds on my computer lol. I didn't grow up indulging in art and creativity, i was actually always super bad at it. I wish i had a deeper connection with it. I wish i understood it better. I wish i expressed it better. I wish my ideas were my own. I want to be able to create something that is truly mine without feeling like im a fake.

UHHHH so imma just come on here and vent whenever i feel like i have something i need 2 say. This is intended for the void, if u come across it...cringe.

[writtenbyidah]

2023 RECAPS

my first 2024 post was about me complaining how tough life has been. However, I forgot to write a post about 2024 like how I used to posts every year. Thanking 2023 should also included.

Previous years was not included due to my first relationship has been a huge failure.

Therefore, my 2023 recaps should be starts with Jan and ends with Dec like how I used to do it traditionally

JAN 2023 - in 2022 Khairi and I made a big decision to loan a car, YES A CAR. With Late Khairi's dad help, we are able to loan a car. It was the happiest day in our life cause I get to stop hearing Khairi's complaining. Long story short, arwah made it to Khairi's graduation day and that was when Khairi received his car. We named it Puteh (technically Khairi named her). After lots of struggled, within 4 months. A year ago, Khairi got hit by careless stupid driver and yup a girl. That was after I got him our FIRST RIM.

FEB 2023 - The struggle we had, indescribable. I cannot imagine the frustration Khairi had with him knowing had to go back and forth to school with no car and had to depends on his dad. Again, I had to hear him complaining about it EVERYDAY.

But that was not it, the insurance company they signed up for lent a car to him, a good news (get to see his smile cause he do not have to trouble his dad) and bad news at the same time- the fuel consumption is quicker, at least $5 a day is a must.

MAR 2023 - New semester starts, he was still upset and disappointed. So, I was determined to make him happy. Did not know if that makes him happy or not. (Apparently he said I did not know if its a good thing or not to buy him certain items which I think is kinda useful to him lol) whatever it is, I bought him new pair of shoes for school to replace his damaged car shoes aka rim. I saw him smirking but okay lah, considered him happy a bit.

APR 2023 - an updates, still no car. Khairi still complaining about the fuel tank consumption- but oh well, what i can do about it. I accept for who he is. Reaching Eid, we still clueless with a lot of thing. I was not happy when it comes to Eid since parents were not around as well as my brother,

On second day of Eid, I was pleased to hear the news from Khairi to bring me and meet his family side, one of the best thing ever.

MAY 2023 - Khairi still on his school days where he gets busier and only had little time to spare with me. Of course we still go on a date but it was not as happy as before. The way he still managed to bring me out- is enough. Until we received news about arwah's disease news, he was diagnosed with cancer and it was one of the heartbreak Khairi had for the first time of the year. Went back-to-back to hospital just to hear sad news about the family is not what everyone wished for. Khairi still with school coming, HAD TO MAKE TIME for his dad, school, work and me. Told him countless time to prioritized his dad first and me after but he insisted to make time for me so that I don't have to feel left out- and still thankful for that.

JUNE 2023 - Semester break, now he had 3 things to focus on (work, dad and me) but I let him loose to at least take care of his dad. I never want him to regret on things involving family. Most importantly we still get to hang out but not as often as before.

JULY 2023 - I was having mental breakdown with office mates especially when you dont get appreciated and they only know complains you. My sister, Ummi get accepted by Politeknik to continue her study, alhamdulillah.

AUGUST 2023 - Coming 2023 end, we were devastated with lots of things, misunderstanding- but that's normal right? I'm happy with what he gave me, he did not give much, but time and efforts can be seen throughout the year.

SEPTEMBER 2023 - Highlight of the year, I was happy cause he made it to celebrate my birthday with NO CAKE hehe- still happy tho. I, myself don't like cake either. So, it was fine.

OCTOBER 2023 - I don't remember much, all I know was I was on countdowns to my brother and mom's arrival from the UK. Oh ya, also my grandpa is getting married to a 54 year old lady who is a widow- I guess.

NOVERMBER 2023 - Khairi's day. Remembering Khairi turning 23 was a bit not exciting cause my mom was in town, nothing much to do- celebrating his birthday was not one of it. I did not even prepare his birthday presents or his cake- does that make me a bad girlfriend. I was short in cash and was also paying for my license but thanks to Khairi for helping me out. He did help me a lot tho.

DECEMBER 2023 - As much as I don't want to remember and not expecting- I also know deep down Khairi was also not ready to deal with what he's going to face. Counting down to new year eve, I was about to watch cinema with my Bungsu, Bungsu was kind to pay off the tickets for me and Khairi but things twisted differently after the Khairi's dad was in critical condition- unable to breath, the feels was off. Told Khairi to stay at home, but he insisted to come with me. However, right after Khairi arrived at the mall and he said that his dad is dying. I immediately change the plan, the situation in the car was weird indeed with lots of thoughts coming in, we did not even say much- I remember holding Khairi's hand.

Right after arrived home, all I know I was shaking to the point I could not even stand properly, entering the house with full of hopes that he would make it to stay till new year, mind you it was on the 31st Dec 2023. A day before new year.

Hearing Khairi mumbling telling the family that his dad was taking a nap- in denial and refused to believe that Arwah has gone. For good. The scream of help, begging for him to come back was the hardest sounds for me to accept and get back in reality, but it was real, It was the day I knew he lost a dad- a person he usually depends/rely on,

I hope nothing but the best for him.

[steamishot]

it's december~

i did a lot of black friday shopping: nordstrom's (with my aunts 40% off), breville, manduka, smith tea, and lululemon. i had a "fuck it, we were overall quite financially responsible this past year" given also receiving a promotion (and saving a lot by not upgrading apartments), so i wanted to be a tad irresponsible and treat myself. it's the most responsible time to be financially irresponsible, at least!

from my last post, i still have some funkiness and sadness going on, but the crying has stopped after that period. i read sara payne's book "i did all of that for this?!", which is a book written by a medical spouse. i think i first read it towards the end of residency but didn't really relate to it too much. however, now rereading it at this point in our lives and the medical journey, i related SO much to basically everything she said, to the point where i had the some of the same thoughts verbatim. i also listened to a few of her podcast episodes called rock solid relationships, which were helpful. additionally, i did some CBT workbook practices - these were all to identify and examine all the thoughts i was having that were impacting my feelings.

i'm letting myself "grieve". recently on the medspouse subreddit, a few people have posted about how disappointed and upset they were at where their partners had matched for fellowship. a number of people have indicated crying and grieving the news. hearing this, i also felt less alone and normal to have these kinds of feelings and wounds.

some news about the job search: matt's interview and chalk talk with USC went pretty well (it seems). the interviewers were impressed by his current title from a fancy hospital. compared to the previous job interviews, he is genuinely interested in this one and doesn't think it's a step down from his current position as the others may have been. this would be a "normal" 8-5 M-F job. additionally, he has interviews with UCI and city of hope coming up. we're also in contact with UCLA. i will follow up with UCSD. cold emailing really works to get interviews. i'm keeping my expectations low but have my fingers crossed for good outcomes. i really hope he can get something with a start date of 7/1/24.

strangely, and perhaps i have some depressed girl vibes going on which is creating this - but this past month has been the most i've ever been complimented by strangers, like ever. on my plane ride to SF, an older white man poked me as he walked down the aisle (i was seated) and said "you're too cute". then, in brooklyn as i was walking to the japanese market, some younger white (?) guy started walking next to me and said "wanted to say what's up, you look kinda good". lastly, yesterday, matt and i went to visit R&T at their upper east side home. we arrived earlier than them so i was waiting at the steps while matt walked around. a black guy that walked by said "you're beautiful, have a lovely day".

i'm telling myself this is god's/the universe's plan for me. that the previous jobs and redlands didn't work out for a reason. that R&T coincidentally moved here to NYC in september so that my remaining time in NYC would be better (and it has been substantially because of them). that random strangers are complimenting me to lift me up.

thanks to R&T, thanksgiving wasn't so lonely this year. last year, i basically spent my thanksgiving weekend alone because matt was working. this year, they joined us on thanksgiving day which was also matt's bday and made it a festive day. that weekend, i spent the day with them at industry city, dropped off coffee for matt, shopped at primark and had dinner at our apartment. they invited us on a trip to CT this past weekend to see their cousin perform at a community theater. it was so nice to just tag along with someone else's plan. we just showed up and went along for the ride.

R&T are very casual and very lenient on time. matt and i's new normal is to rush and be on a time crunch so traveling with them really helped us slow down and chill. it was nice to experience how another couple travels and to finally not be in charge. thanks T for driving! we watched elf the musical (which was quite funny and entertaining), stayed at a hotel that night while they stayed at their cousin's place, visited their family the next day, met up with their resident friend at yale and got a short "tour", and got malaysian food for dinner! they are a bit younger than us, so it also feels like they have more energy. R takes a lot of nice pictures and brings a warm happy energy to the group.