#and if i hurt anyone in an avoidable way i will just hate myself more so it's kind of a cycle i simply don't wanna get into

[daz4i]

i really truly genuinely cannot go one (1) day without wanting to die

[decolonize-the-left]

(to preface this, i am white. figured i should make that known off the bat) i wanted to come bounce an idea off of you that i've been rolling around in my head for a bit. i have this pet theory that, for the population ill call here "white progressive queers who know very little about poc and racism", a large underpinning of this group's interaction with poc is a Fear of Fucking Up and more generally, moral purity thought. they (maybe even "we"- im still hopefully learning myself) get so paralyzed by this idea and line of thinking that goes something like this: "1) since i know nothing about poc & racism, then 2) clearly in discussions about these topics, i will fuck up and say something wrong or perhaps even Bigoted, which if i did 3) makes me an Irreparable Ontologically Evil Racist, hence 4) i should just be quiet and never ask questions/speak on these topics" which then results in said White Progressive Queer and those around them never learning. i wanted to know what you think abt this and tell me if im on the mark or not

also thank u for the work u do on this blog, ive found so many helpful resources through you

You're right. In my experience that's exactly how it is.

I want to add tho: yes they're uncomfortable that they might fuck up and be considered racists sure, but a huge part of that stems from the massive inability to place the discomfort where it belongs. Which is with their own guilt.

Instead they blame the conversations for making them uncomfortable.

And let's take some worthy notes here: this is not how white people feel all the time. Because white people are not uncomfortable making these fuck ups in front of other white people.

So it's not that the conversation is uncomfortable. They are made uncomfortable. And they are made uncomfortable because even when discussing anti-racism they step into the role of oppressor (the little fuck ups or accidentally bigoted comments) so naturally and God forbid other (not white) people can See how easy it is.

My advice for white people that are like this (that nobody asked for) is

Your fuckups do not define you but how you react to them does

Listen, respect, learn

That's it. That's the whole list. Say something bad? Apologize, but don't over-explain yourself. Ask how to fix it. Google how you fucked up so you understand why it wasn't okay. Google again to get idea of how your fuck up hurts people. Google some more to make sure you don't do it again. Go to some safe space and ask some clarifying questions. Listen, respect, learn.

Maybe the people you fucked up with don't forgive you and that's okay, they don't have to. But YOU won't ever make anyone feel bad or less than in the same way ever again and that's what matters.

Having one less person making racist comments matters even if it's a struggle for that person to get to that point.

I need y'all to understand that none of you are gonna just wake up being suddenly perfect anti-racist allies. And we will literally never ever have allies like that if y'all refuse to even sit with your own discomfort.

•°•°•

This weird morality issue white people have over looking racist is also just such a non-problem. Like if y'all want a PoC perspective: white people are already being racist ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ ....we Already see y'all as racists. And also I'm gonna experience racism anyway so I'd rather it be because someone was just being ignorant on the path to anti-racism.

Y'all are so worried about how shit Looks that you can't be bothered how really things are? Like you're so afraid of looking racist you'd allow yourselves to continue being actually ignorant and casually racist. And to avoid what? Being uncomfortable for a minute? Being called-out? A mean comment?

We are trying to stop hate crimes and genocide. Like that's what we are dealing with okay. Accountability for your actions is an acquired taste but I think y'all can handle some discomfort considering.

[mayullla]

A little present event: fem reader 🦋 + yandere Al Haitham 🌺 🥺

Title: Learning to love

Character(s): Al Haitham (Genshin Impact) Summary: He offered a proposal, a trial of sorts to see if you and him were really a match. Warnings/tags: Yandere themes, fem!reader, soulmates au, toxic relationship, manipulation

The continuation to: The Akasha's choosing [ - A little present~! Event - Closed - ]

You bit your lip when you saw Al Haitham waiting for you outside your small humble home again seated on one of the outdoor stools. "You are awake. I thought you would sleep a little more considering how tired you were last night from getting lost in the forest."

"Thank... thank you for finding me back then..." You looked down, it was because of him that you were able to find your way back home. But it was him that you were running away from that you winded up there. You know it was much, if anyone knew that someone was trying to avoid them this much to the point they would become lost... it would hurt the person. Yet you could not help yourself.

These feelings inside yourself felt like they were twisting your stomach yet you just can't push it down.

"Hmmm. Well, you don't have to worry about that though you should really consider other ways to avoid me."

You flinched at his words, feeling your heart rate speed up as you looked away guilty.

"I notice a long time ago that you were avoiding me, heading out so early in the morning when you usually stay in bed a little more in the past." Al Haitham looked at you from his book, waiting to see if you have something to say before continuing "I am guessing you are not really fond of this idea of soulmates. That you are acting like this? Personally, I think I would be much better if you were to say outright say that you hate me rather than run away constantly like this."

"I-I don't!"

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

"I really don't... I just don't think that uhh... you and me are meant for each other." You sighed finally admitting to why you have been acting like this for a long time. "That there might be a mistake in the Akasha... I just don't think we are compatible. I am sorry... I should have told you that sooner."

You glanced at Al Haithams face wondering how he would react before looking down again in guilt. You didn't know how to bring the subject up and had avoided it for the longest time. In all honestly you were intimidated by him.

"So you are saying that the Akasha had made a mistake?" Al Haitham asked closing his book. "Are you sure? I don't think most people if any would take too kindly to what you said especially the sages." You flinched again suddenly realizing what you were implying. That the akasha that was created by the past dendro archon, which was used by everyone in Sumeru had made a mistake. You wanted to take your words back, your face flustered as you tried to think of a way to recover from the situation.

Al Haitham watching you sighed, leaning back a little as he stared right at you. "I understand having doubts. Even I wanted to see for myself whether this was just some delusion someone in the academia made yet was accepted by those sages. Those who only rely on the akasha when it is also controlled by mere men are nothing but fools who can't think for themselves."

You found his words harsh but stayed silent.

"Hmmm, how about this. We shall do a little test between us to see if we are compatible or not." You looked at Al Haitham in surprise. What did he mean by that?

Al Haitham shook his head a little a small sigh escaped his lips, raising a hand a little as he started to explain. "While I too am not particularly fond of the idea myself, how about seeing for ourselves whether we are actually compatible or not and stop playing this cat-and-mouse chase that would only lead to nowhere."

"We can do a series of tests for an extended period of time. If we don't think we are compatible we can go our separate ways and forget all this happen. But if we do, we can continue on and see where this takes us."

Your eyes looked at him in surprise, but the more you thought about it the more it made... sense. You could see for yourself if the two of you were actually compatible with each other.

Agreeing to his proposal you could not help but feel a little determined but you could not help but wonder, "But what should we do first?" Much to your embarrassment you never really dated before too focused to take care of yourself and putting food on the table.

"Hmmm just do things that couples do. We could start by *not* avoiding each other and work away from there." You flinched a little at this personal attack, unable to look at him in the eyes again.

But you did see a small smile on his lips.

The two of you started slow, Al Haitham being patient with you as you tried to be less awkward with him on your side. You guys started first by going to the forest when you needed to go there to collect herbs, mushrooms, and berries. With him mainly there to protect you from monsters or eremites and treasure hoarders. Most of the time he was reading a book a little farther than you as you go about collecting.

He tried to offer help to you a bit, but still too awkward you declined telling him that he should instead rest while you do your work. Instead, you had to promise him that you would tell him if you need his help getting something that was too far of reach or dangerous.

A lot of your lunches were spent with him. You now purposefully pack up meals meant for two people rather than one. As you seat in the grass or under a tree or maybe at home when you worked on the small farm you had you would share your meals with Al Haitham. He would eat without saying much, but you did notice he would look a little annoyed when you brought soup and later made sure not to bring them too often. (Al Haitham also offered to pack or buy lunches every so often to be fair, and when you first time you tried his cooking you could not help but be surprised. It was good!)

You didn't go out in public much with him since both of you did not want the attention of others. And when you did most of the academia students would stare in shock unable to understand that the famed scribe had a partner while others cooed at how cute of a couple you guys were.

An old granny had called the two of you cute when you were out picking groceries with Al Haitham right beside you examining the vegetables as he too needed to stock some food in his own home. You were flustered at her words, wanting to deny that you were a couple but with a glance that Al Haitham gave you, no words came out of your mouth as you tried to smile.

You thanked the grandmother for her words.

Next were small touches and kisses, your face was never this hot till when Al Haitham told you to kiss him. You were embarrassed when he started grabbing your hand or placing a hand on your shoulder but you stifled all your complaints as you told yourself this was a trial and that it was fine. But you still could not help yourself but become nervous as you stare at his face after what he said.

Al Haitham was always patient with you, and if you didn't want to do this you were sure that he would be fine with it. But seeing that he was trying, you would feel guilty if you were to say no now.

You looked at Al Haitham's face an eyebrow raised waiting before he asked if you do not want to do it. You shook your head telling him it was fine. He always reminded you that both sides needed to put in the effort, and you knew he did. So you must... it was just a small kiss really.

He waited for you, made no movements to take the lead in the kiss, and left you to do it as you took small hesitant steps toward him shyly. With Al Haitham sitting down you were forced to lean towards him as you close your eyes unable to stare to look into his face in such a close distance. You didn't see his reaction back then as you quickly kissed and then turned your back from him unable to look at him.

What was a small peck on the lips soon spiraled from there. Moving too fast you thought to yourself, as if whatever wall that you thought was there between you and him was never there from the start. But you thought that it was fine, that this was just a test to see if you were compatible. As you forced yourself to get used to the thankfully rare kisses that Al Haitham would make. But more often than not you were forced to sit on his lap or he would lie on yours as you both either nap, read a book, or finish an essay for his case.

There were some days he would stay at your place, stating that he was too "lazy" to go back home when he was tired and told you to think of this like another test. He didn't like it when you offered to sleep on the sofa scooping you and tossing you on the bed with a hand on your waist to prevent you from leaving the bed stating that this would be the most comfortable way to sleep at a single person bed, pulling you closer to him. You felt it was too intimate but didn't voice your thoughts when you heard his small snores already fallen deep asleep.

Whatever you tried to make space between you and him on the bed whenever he decided that he would stay for the night would quickly be gone as you would find him always holding you tight in his arms the moment you wake up almost like a stuffed toy that a kid liked.

You kept repeating to yourself that this was a trial if you were compatible and if things just did not work out that everything would just work out as you two separate unknown to you that Al Haitham was still awake looking down at your hair, his arms tightening around you.

To him, this was never a trial, but you were just too precious after all as he let you think as you please. He knew that you were never comfortable with his affections. But he knew you would get used to it. He would not let you go even if you didn't. You would get used to his touch, the idea of him by your side, he would make you get used to him and let him mold you to love him just as much that anxiety would drive you insane when he is not around.

He would never let you go.

[vernons-girl]

never stopped loving you | lee dino

angsty but sweet,wc:0.9k

A few months back you broke up with your boyfriend Dino.

And you might ask, why would you break up with such a nice boyfriend ?

Well, you were not feeling good. You did not feel like yourself anymore, and nothing felt right, nor fully real. So you decided you needed to spend some time alone to focus on yourself and only yourself because you did not want to hurt anyone’s feeling or make them feel bad about the way you were feeling yourself. So you broke up with your boyfriend. Because he was affected by your state, and you noticed it.

Sometimes you would have mood swings and push him away, he wanted to help you though, he really did, but you knew he could not. He was not the problem but you did not want your relationship with him to become a part of it, so you put an end to it.

The thing is, during that phase you were angry, sad and in pain, but mostly angry. So that resulted in you breaking up with him in a fit of rage without giving him any real motive for your actions, he knew you were not feeling good, so he did not ask more questions and left.

But now, a few months later you felt better, but also guilty. Guilty about the way you treated him at the end of your relationship and guilty about how you broke up with him. So one evening you decided to text him and asked if he wanted to grab breakfast with you, and very much to your surprise, he immediately agreed.

So here you were, waiting for him at your non-officially designated table in your favorite signature café. You were anxiously chewing on your bottom lip, scrapping of the lip balm you had put on earlier in the morning, playing with your fingers you did not see him coming by your table.

“You will never get rid of that habit, won’t you ?” a voice said, you looked up to be met with him, Dino.

He had not changed much, his hair was slightly longer and his efforts to the gym had obviously paid off but he was still the same, he was still your Dino.

"Hello ? Earth to Y/N ?” he waved his hand in front of you, getting your attention back even though your mind stuck to the way your name rolled out of his tongue.

“Yeah sorry.. Please sit down !” you said pointing to the empty spot in front of you.

And he did just that, “Have you ordered yet ?” he asked, “Yes I did! I ordered for you, I hope you still like the same things from here though, I should’ve asked I am sorry !” you apologized, feeling your face get hotter.

He chuckled, god you had missed hearing his breathy laugh, “Don’t worry, some habits don’t change” he replied.

The waiter brought you guys your drinks and snacks, breaking the awkward silence that had taken place, “Enjoy your drinks.” he politely said before walking away, leaving you once again with your ex boyfriend.

“So..” he started, “Why did you want us to meet up ?” he asked.

“Well, I feel like I owe you some explanations about the last time we saw each others” you began, receiving a nod from him signaling you to continue.

“So as you know, I was not feeling the best when I ended things between us and I did not make you come here to give any excuse for what I have done, I just want - no I need to explain why I did it. I hated feeling that way but I also hated that you had to put up with it, and I know you dealt with it amazingly and the best you could, but it hurt me to see how my mental state could affect you. I did not feel like my old self, like the Y/N you fell in love with so I pushed you away before you could do the same. I thought that doing this would avoid unnecessary damages even though I was aware it was going to hurt one of us, if not both. But I felt like I had to do it for myself, for you and for us. And I know lots of time passed by but if you still love me, or at least have a tiny bit of faith left for us, I wondered if you could give me - us - another shot.. Because I miss you and I still love you, I’ve never stopped loving you.” you finished, letting out a big breath you did not know you were holding before focusing on the face of the man who was sitting in front of you.

He was smiling, that smile, you missed that too, you missed him.

“I’ve missed you too Y/N, and I’ve never stopped loving you either. I knew you were going through a rough time and I knew it was best for you and for our relationship to give you time and space. And I am glad I did.” he confessed, putting the brightest smile that had ever been on your face.

“Now get up from that sit and come sit next to me.” he said.

He pulled your closer next to him, turned your face towards his, delicately placed your chin between his fingers before lovingly, passionately kissing you, saying all the things words could not express.

[just-some-trans-nobody]

December Christmas Monster stories

December 13.) Half giant x GN reader

Warnings: depression, hating job, job quitting, size difference

Minors Don't Interact!

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Working as one of Santa's elf was a seasonal job, the pay was shit but it was fun. Pretty much volunteer work. There was a bonus though. It came in the form of the man playing Santa named Treg. 

He was a half giant and standing next to him in your work uniform you really did look like a Christmas elf. Treg was kind to everyone, always smiling. You couldn't help but be drawn to him. It helped that you were one of his main elfs. Every shift he had you worked too. Always right next to him helping him with the kids or getting him water. Any time he had to get up and walk somewhere you were with him to make sure he didn't bump into any kids. It was hard seeing kids when you were that big. Treg was always so happy when you helped him out. Constantly thanking you for every little thing you did for him. 

Treg often would make you a cup of hot chocolate during your shared break. It always tasted better when he made it. The two of you would always chat the whole break before going back to going to work. 

The work gossip was that both of you were dating in secret. Though any time the two of you were confronted Treg vehemently denied it. You did so too, just less convincing than him. One of your coworkers noticed this and asked you in private if you wished you were dating him. You frowned as you nodded your head. They gave you a look of pity before walking away. 

They must have said something to Treg because after that day he started avoiding you. It hurt badly when suddenly your schedule changed from his. You had been replaced by another worker who preferred to pose for the photos and flirt with all the parents instead of helping Treg. Not that you could do anything about it, you were assigned to a different Santa. He was a satyr who didn't care about his job, he worked the dead shift hardly anyone came around when he worked and he liked it that way.

Your fun job became miserable in less than a week all because you couldn't get a handle on your dumb one sided crush. You didn't smile at work anymore, what was the point?

Before the end of the second week you had turned in your uniform and quit. You went home and cried that night. The next day you went out to the store to go get comfort food. Walking around the store you filled your cart with tooth rotting snacks. Your heart hurt so you wanted your stomach to hurt more to take your mind away from it. 

Walking around absentmindedly you didn't pay attention to anything until you heard heavy footsteps. Looking up you saw Treg approaching you. You had the urge to run away from him but found yourself frozen in place. “Y/n? I heard you quit? Why did you do that?” His voice sounded heart broken. Why did he sound heart broken? Treg was the one who rejected and ignored you, not the other way around. 

“What does it matter to you? You made it clear you didn't like me when you started ignoring me.” You snorted, turning your head to look anywhere but at him. “I only started distancing myself because I realized I liked you too and that scared me. I'm constantly scared that I'm not going to know your next to me and I'll accidently hurt you.” Treg explained stepping closer to you. “Didn't every day we worked together prove I could handle that? You never hurt me before, why worry about that now?” You asked, glancing at him. “Because the thought of being with you meant a higher chance of hurting you but when you were gone it hurt even worse.” His eyes were starting to water as he talked. 

How could you be upset at that face? Looking down at your feet you stepped forward reaching your hand out to hold his sleeve. “I'd take that risk to be with you.” You told him, looking up at him. “For you? I'd risk anything.” Treg said carefully, holding your hand in his large one. You looked like a doll compared to him, you kind of liked it. 

[suuuupernovaaa]

tìngay 

tìngay [English] n. truth

Anonymous Request: Metkaniya reader and Neteyam are friends with benefits but Neteyam is in love with them and wants so much more but is afraid to speak up because he fears that by doing so he’ll lose them.

So the situation hurts him a lot and he cries sometimes at night and one night he’s caught by a family member and they manage to give him some advice. Your choice of end please!

Neteyam has you - but only partly. He'd do almost anything to have you completely.

Adult Neteyam. 1,576 words.

As always, when Neteyam leaves Y/N's pod, a familiar feeling sinks into his chest, where it will stay until he sees her again.

It's an odd mix of joy, satisfaction, dread, sickness, and fear. It does not feel good.

It took him a while to figure out why he felt this way. Y/N was only ever kind to him, only ever excited to see him but... something was missing. It felt as if your relationship existed only in secret, under the cover of night, as if Y/N was ashamed of him or maybe, didn't take it seriously.

Meanwhile, he was absolutely desperate for her. She consumed his every waking thought, making it nearly impossible for him to focus on anything except the next time he might see her.

It didn't feel as if she was feeling the same... or if she was, she was much better at hiding it.

Either way, Neteyam was left alone most nights, forcing the tears not to fall as he thought of her, completely fine without him.

He almost hated himself for it, but he could never hate her.

--

Standing at the entrance of my pod, I watched as Neteyam walked away. When he glanced back, I slunk into the shadows so that he couldn't see me watching him leave.

I watched him leave every time he went, wishing that he would stay, but too afraid to ask. Instead, I pushed him out the door, before I started crying in front of him.

I was a fool to fall in love with Neteyam Sully. He was the son of Taruk Makto, and his presence here was probably temporary. It was also very obvious that he wasn't interested in anything serious, and was only wanting to relieve some stress; he'd said as much when he'd proposed the us of you have some 'fun' together.

That had been months ago, and he'd never addressed it again - so I knew, his feelings hadn't changed. Sometimes I felt used by him, but then there were moments, when he would hold me, or brush my hair out of my face, that I would feel so cherished and loved.

But I didn't allow myself to believe it, because I was being foolish enough already, carrying on like this.

I had to let him go.

--

Neteyam wiped his eyes and rolled over to look up at the stars, trying to calm his breathing, but he was too upset. Instead of laying there with his family, he got up and exited their pod, heading down to the beach.

He didn't know he was being followed until it was too late.

"Neteyam? What's wrong?"

He supposed, if anyone had to catch him in a vulnerable moment, he would prefer it was Kiri.

Sick of holding it all in, he pulled Kiri in for a hug, and she responded immediately, placing her arms around him and pulling her brother in tight.

"Neteyam, are you okay?" she asked, her voice thick with concern. "Is it Y/N?"

Neteyam stood back, shocked. He hadn't ever spoken of Y/N around his family.

"Oh, don't look so surprised. You think we don't notice how you look at each other?"

Neteyam shook his head. "Bah, she doesn't... she feels..."

Kiri rolled her eyes. "You are in love with her, and you haven't told her. Why not?" She reached up, and wiped her older brother's eyes free of tears. Seeing him in pain was hard for her, but she couldn't help but think it might be his own fault. She loved and respected her brother, but didn't imagine he was very good at romance.

"She doesn't feel the same. Every time I see her, she practically rushes me away at the end of the... date. And when we're around other people, she avoids me."

Kiri crossed her arms and thought for a moment. "Have you just, asked her? You're both adults. Have you talked about it? Because you can't go on like this, Neteyam. It's eating you alive."

"I don't know what to say."

"Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't feel the same, you can move on. Go tell her now - while it's fresh."

Kiri reached out, giving her brother a gentle shove. A panicked look crossed his face.

"Do you want to just suffer forever?"

"If I tell her, and she doesn't feel the same, I could lose her entirely. What if suffering like this is better than not having her at all?"

Kiri pushed him again. "That isn't healthy. Go. Now."

Neteyam sighed, and took off towards Y/N's pod.

--

The moonlight was so clear that night, reflecting beautifully off the water, and I couldn't sleep anyway, so I had made my way down to the beach to dip my toes in and try to relax, just a little.

Tomorrow, I would tell Neteyam that it was too hard and I couldn't see him anymore.

Tonight, I could relish the way his touch felt, remember all the times we'd spent together, and try to smile before it was gone forever.

Splashing to the right alerted me that I wasn't the only one out late. A tall figure approached, and I squinted as they got closer and closer.

Neteyam.

Oh, no. If he was here now, I would have to tell him now.

I pulled my shawl tightly around my shoulders and took a few steps back as he got closer. My breathing was coming erratically now, my hands starting to shake.

"Y/N," Neteyam said, his smile nervous, when he finally reached me. "What are you doing out here?"

I shrugged. "Couldn't sleep. Needed, uh, to think."

Neteyam nodded. "Me too. We must talk."

"Yes, I think so." I reached out my hand and he took it, and I lead him back to my pod.

I wasn't sure whether to sit or stand once we arrived, so I followed Neteyam's lead.

"You, uh, first," Neteyam said nervously.

"Oh." I gripped the edges of my shawl, and took a very long, deep breath. If I didn't calm down, I was going to cry as I spoke, and I could not imagine anything more embarrassing. "Neteyam, I don't think we should see each other anymore. I know you said you just wanted, well, something fun but I, that no longer works for me."

Neteyam stood stiff as a board before me, his eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed, ears lowered. "Why not?"

I put my hand over my face as the hot tears gathered in my eyes, and my chest burned with sadness. A lump rose in my throat, making it hard to speak.

"I feel... more. I feel more for you. It pains me, to only see you once in a while, to not hold your hand or swim with you, to not... be yours." My voice was broken, and the tears fell as I spoke, though I tried to wipe them as quickly as they came.

Neteyam stood at me, mouth open, and I wanted to sink into the ocean and never rise again.

--

Neteyam could not believe what he was hearing. She wanted to break up with him... because she liked him?

Seeing the tears fall from her eyes made him ashamed of himself. All of this time, she wanted to be with him, truly with him, and had felt as if that wasn't what he wanted?

How had he failed her so miserably to allow her to get this upset?

He stepped forward, and pulled her hand away from her face as she wiped away her tears.

"I came here to tonight to confess that I am in love with you, Y/N, and that it has been paining me that I thought you did not feel the same."

She took in a small gasp, her eyes wide. "What? Neteyam!" She sounded almost mad, which made him want to laugh, even though he knew it wasn't the time.

"I would be honored to call you mine. To ride together with you every day, to make a home with you, to bring you to meet my family. I am in love with you."

He thought she would stop crying, but to his horror, she began crying even harder, her chest heaving up and down with sobs as tears poured down her face.

"Shit," he hissed, and he pulled her against his chest. "Don't try. This is good news, isn't it?"

She laughed, and he felt only a little relief. "Yes! I just feel, I feel like we are both really stupid."

He had to laugh along with her. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

She stood up, and they smiled at each other, smiles so wide that their cheeks might start to ache.

"I love you, too, Neteyam. I'm so sorry I made you feel like I didn't. I have loved you since I first met you."

He caressed her soft, wet cheek, and she leaned gently into his palm.

"Let us be honest with each other, from this moment on. Let us always tell each other the truth," she said, and she placed a kiss on his open palm.

He felt such a pride and relief in his chest, he thought he might burst into tears next.

"And you must let me tell you every day, how much I love you," he replied.

She smiled once more. "So long as it is the truth."

Neteyam knew it always would be.

[psychovigilantewrites]

Sunshine's Shadow

Pairing: Jason Todd/Reader, Dick Grayson/Reader Genre: Slow burn smut? Porn with plot? Like eventually??? Word Count: 7,600 Read on Ao3 Part 1 of 2. Summary: You had powers of darkness that made you feel unwanted your whole life. Jason Todd was the first person to convince you that your darkness was sunshine. After his death, you went to Dick for comfort and started a relationship with him. And then, Jason came back. A/N:

I'm practicing writing again to prepare myself for the last chapter of Red Who? I'm not too happy with how I wrote this, but I'm hoping to start improving again along the way as I write and learn all over again. Also, I am not familiar with Titans! I know Jason never really joined? I just winged it I'm so sorry. I also aged up Jason's death here. I think the timeline is a bit messy pls forgive me.

Jason knocked on your door.

“Come in,” he heard your soft, muffled voice.

You were sitting on your bed, scrolling through your phone. You had soft instrumental music playing in your room. The table lamp was switched on on your bedside table, but the room was still dark.

“We’re getting ready for a spooky movie tonight,” Jason said, closing the door behind him and approaching you. “Care to join us this time?”

Your eyes darted from your phone to his, and you pursed your lips in hesitation.

“No thank you, I’m fine here,” you said and brought your attention back to your phone.

Jason sighed loudly and sat on the edge of your bed.

“Why don’t you ever join us?” he asked, “We’re the Teen Titans. We’re a team. You should join us for more team stuff besides official missions.”

You simply stared at Jason. He sensed that you had more to say but was hesitating opening up. So he got up and sat next to you. “You can tell me.”

“The room is dark, isn’t it?” you asked.

The question surprised Jason. “I mean, I guess? So what?”

“That’s me, Jason. You know how my powers work. This- this curse. The shadow I emit makes everything dark and gloomy, even if it’s a sunny day outside. And no one likes someone who brings darkness in a room,” you avoided his eyes and started picking at a hangnail on your finger.

“That’s why you won’t hang out with us?” he couldn’t help but laugh. “I thought you hated us or something.”

“What?” you looked at him incredulously, “How could I? I was afraid that you all hate me for being so depressing.”

“Has anyone told you that before?” Jason asked. He didn’t know much about where you came from, but he knew that you went to a lot of different schools and orphanages. An outsider, not unlike himself.

“The kids were always scared of me,” you confessed quietly, “They refused to play with me. That was fine, but then soon after they would bully me. Make fun of me, push me down, kick me. Reminded me again and again that I was a freak.”

For some reason, Jason always had the urge to protect you, even though you were slightly older than he was. Now that urge was stronger and he wanted to hurt anyone who hurt you, to shield you from all that negativity.

“Well,” he began, “I don’t know about those assholes, but whenever I see you, I never saw darkness.”

You raised an eyebrow.

“Really!” he insisted, “I see a girl who likes to read, and who likes music. I see you smile whenever Roy and Jackson bicker. And when Wally does that thing where he starts vibrating when he eats? And on the field? The way you protect everyone, the way we can all trust that you have our backs.”

Jason held your eyes. “I don’t see any darkness. In fact, I see sunshine! Because whenever you’re around, it makes us all feel warm and safe.”

He saw the way you were trying hard to not let the tears brimming your eyes fall. “You’re not lying.”

It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

“Of course I’m not,” he confirmed. “Have I ever lied to you?”

“I guess not,” you sniffled, “I can tell when people lie. And you have never lied to me.”

“What do you mean you can tell when people lie?”

“I don’t know. It’s sort of always been a thing I could do,” you shrugged, “I don’t join in conversations, so I just observe people, and I can sort of tell what they’re thinking or when they’re lying.”

“Ah, I think I know a thing or two about that,” Jason smiled fondly.

“Thank you, Jason,” you expressed.

“No problem, Sunny,” he grinned, “I’ll call you that from now on. To remind you.”

Jason thought that he saw you blush in the dim light. “So what do you think? Wanna join us for spooky night? I mean, your shadow would even be helpful. It’ll create the spooky ambience we’re all looking for.”

“Is there popcorn?” you grinned.

***

You dumbass, you thought.

The rain had you soaked and shivering.

Jason Todd, you absolute asshole.

The smell of wet dirt was overpowering. Your team stood with you despite your shadow engulfing them in darkness. Roy had his hand on your shoulder.

The white petals stuck to the polished wooden casket as it was lowered into the ground. Your heart had already broke, and you had gone through the stages of breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably, not being able to sleep for a week after they told you the news. Right now, you felt nothing but emptiness.

The casket hit the ground with a dull thud, and you heard the wet footsteps of others leaving the grave. You looked up at the crowd. Dressed in black, you saw some familiar faces. Clark Kent and Diana Prince were with Bruce Wayne, standing in solidarity. A fiery red color caught your eyes, and you saw whom you knew as Starfire. Tall, confident, and radiating with a soft warm glow- everything that you wished you were. She was next to Dick Grayson, and your eyes made contact with blue ones, ones that reminded you of Jason.

Dick gave you a sad smile.

“I heard you’re not going to continue with the Titans anymore,” Dick broke the silence. The rain was still pouring, pounding on the glass window of the car. “Where do I drop you off?”

“East End, along Murphy Avenue,” you replied. You watched two droplets on the window fall down, racing against each other. “I have some boxes left in the Tower, but I don’t feel like seeing them today.”

“Are you going to be okay on your own? You’re not even 18 yet.”

“I’m turning 18 in three months,” you rolled your eyes. “And I already got a job.”

“Oh? That was quick. What job?”

“Private investigator,” you responded, “Lot’s of scandals in Gotham. It’s quite easy to get a job if you’re half decent.”

“Pay well?”

“Well enough.”

Silence again. Dick made a turn.

No word was said until he stopped in front of the apartment complex. Unknown to you, Dick made a mental note to check the apartment out.

“Thanks, Dick.” Something stopped you from leaving the car. Something warm. Ah, it was Dick’s hand on yours.

You looked over and stared into his bright blue eyes. “I’m here for you. Anytime of the day or night. Text me, call me, whatever. You’re not alone.”

It was his expression. The pain and grief and sincerity in his eyes. A hint of desperation, even. By now, your talent for reading people had developed, and you could tell more than just basic emotions. Dick didn’t want you to leave him alone.

Your pulse quickened.

“Would you… Like to come in?” you asked.

Dick was surprised. His eyes darted downwards in a look of… guilt? And then- “No, it’s alright. You said you wanted some alone time. Go settle down first, then maybe you can give me a house tour sometime.”

Then he gave you the grin. Dick Grayson’s charming, heart-stopping grin.

You left the car.

THREE MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH OF JASON TODD

You spent your birthday alone, ignoring the invitations from your ex team members. They all wished you happy birthday, and sent you voice notes of them singing. They said they wished you were there with them, and that they hoped you were well. You replied with a simple thank you.

The apartment you made yours was bare. The walls had no art, and the TV was unplugged. What was the point? Your darkness would have made the art on the walls difficult to see and it was not like you were planning to invite anyone over.

A couple of case files sat neatly on the dining room table, where you did your work. Your name had spread by word of mouth after your first client three months ago, and now you occasionally received texts from unknown numbers, asking for discretion and offering a few hundred dollars a day for a week of work.

Your phone buzzed. It wasn’t an unknown number this time.

Dick had sent you a text. Happy Birthday! Still waiting for that house tour.

You sent a quick thank you and ignored the rest of the message.

SIX MONTHS after the death of Jason Todd

You arrived late on purpose. “Sorry I’m late.”

You sat down in the booth seat opposite Dick and saw the way his eyes lit up when you announced your arrival.

“No worries,” he brushed it off. “Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah,” you grabbed the dirty menu from the table. Anything to fill up the awkwardness you were expecting. “What do you usually have here?”

“Waffles with ice cream.”

“For dinner?”

“Why not?”

Dick Grayson gave you his Dick Grayson Grin.

You told the aging waitress your order- “I’ll have what he’s having.”

“So how have you been doing? You seem quite busy now, since this dinner was postponed to two months later,” he teased.

“My work isn’t exactly nine to five, five days a week,” you replied curtly. You had avoided this dinner on purpose.

“No, no, I get it. Mine is the same,” he said. “It’s good that you have been getting lots of clients lately. You seem to be high in demand now.”

“Yeah, I am, actually,” you smiled softly to yourself, “I didn’t expect for business to move this fast. I’m mostly investigating cheating spouses and party daughters now, though. Hoping to move on to the more serious stuff.”

“Careful,” Dick warned you, frowning slightly, “Try not to get involved with the politics here. It’s messy, and dangerous.”

“I can take care of myself, Dick,” you assured him.

He paused. “Yeah, I noticed,” his expression quickly changed, “You’ve been controlling your shadow.”

Indeed, you have been working on pulling in your shadow while you were out in public, making it seem as normal as possible so you don’t engulf rooms with darkness, especially with your current state of mind.

Soon after Jason died, you found out that your shadow had grown larger and larger, directly linked to your moods. Then you noticed that it shrank when you were concentrating on your cases, leaving the room bright. So you meditated and practiced, day and night, to keep your shadow and your emotions in check. However, it was tiring to constantly shrink it for long periods of time.

“Practice makes perfect,” you replied bitterly.

“Jason used to talk about you all the time, you know?” he suddenly brought up.

This came as a surprise for you.

“Really?” you cocked your head to the side, “What about?”

“Lots of stuff,” Dick elaborated, “But mainly about how to make you feel more welcomed. How to get you to open up. What stuff to talk to you about. He considered you his best-friend.”

You had considered Jason the same. He was the first person you had truly bonded with, but you never knew that Jason had communicated with Dick about you. True enough, he always tried his best to make sure you never felt left out. You felt your throat tightened and gulped.

Your waffles arrived, and Dick immediately dug in.

“He said that he called you something,” he continued in between bites, “Sunny, right? Said it was short for Sunshine.”

You hadn’t heard that in six months.

Dick looked up at you and panic took over his face. “Shit- I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry.”

You couldn’t stop the tears from falling down your eyes this time. You quickly wiped them away and stabbed the waffle with your fork.

“No- no, it’s fine,” you insisted, “I just hadn’t heard that name in a while. And I didn’t know he talked to you about me.”

Dick looked at you with concern. “Pretty sure he had a crush on you, with the way he was always talking about you.”

You were pretty sure, too. You could read people well after all.

“What made you choose this diner?” you asked, changing the subject. “We used to come here all the time.”

“Yeah, I haven’t stepped in here since that day,” he avoided saying Jason’s name now.

For the first time since you sat down, you actually studied him, beyond the basic emotions that you instinctively saw in everyone. The slight frown, the dark circles under his eyes, the short chewed up nails, the five o’ clock shadow that was rare for Dick Grayson.

He was grieving alone.

“Whenever Jason faced a problem when he was with us, out in the field, or anything, he would always ask himself- ‘What would Dick Grayson do?’” you told him.

His eyes softened, and you could see tears start to well up too.

“He really looked up to you,” you went on, wanting to give Dick the same comfort he gave you. “His older brother. Though, he kept it quiet. He didn’t want people to notice how much he cared. You know, the whole tough guy act.”

Dick chuckled at that. “But you noticed, of course.”

“Of course,” you smiled fondly at the memory. When asked if his injuries hurt, Jason would always reply with Only when I laugh.

But he accepted the cold compresses and paracetamol you gave him.

12 MONTHS AFTER THE DEATH OF JASON TODD

The camera shutter clicked. You checked the quality of the photo on your digital SLR. Even from across the street and in the darkness of the night, your camera caught the couple entering the motel, hand-in-hand, perfectly. This would be sufficient evidence for your client. The classic case of Cheating Spouse was going to earn you a couple thousand dollars. Frankly, you had considered rejecting the case. You only went for high-profile scandals now. But the client was desperate, and offered a large sum of money for something so easy and simple. It was difficult to refuse.

You contemplated on whether you should go the extra mile to catch them in the act. Or maybe you should just stake out in your car and catch them coming out of the motel. You took pride in how detailed your reports always were, and that was how you managed to build your clientele.

You took a sip of the bad, black coffee, already gone cold.

Peering through the zoom lens, you angled the camera up to the rooms facing the street. The movement you caught, however, was not the lights of a room switching on. Instead, out of the corner of your eye, you saw a shadow hanging about the fire-escape in the narrow alley next to the building. You zoomed in more, and saw a familiar blue and black spandex, white eyes, and a familiar grin.

“Fuck,” you swore to yourself. Of all the places to bump into him.

You had gotten close to him since that dinner. The both of you had been texting regularly, getting to know each other and sharing stories about Jason. It helped you with your grief, and you knew it helped him too. You found out that Dick Grayson was voluntarily very expressive with his emotions, unlike his late younger brother who always needed an extra nudge.

Despite all that, you had been trying your best to avoid Dick for the past few weeks and had been giving him the excuse that you were busy. The truth was, you were scared. You knew how close you were getting to him, and right now you were lonely. So lonely that you were afraid of doing something you would both regret.

Knock, knock, knock. The glass rapped three times.

You looked over at the passenger side and saw that grin. Sighing, you unlocked the door.

“What a nice surprise,” Dick greeted you as he shut the door. “Didn’t think I would see a beautiful lady when I left home tonight.”

You rolled your eyes at his usual flirting. “I’m on a job, Dick.”

“I can see that,” he shamelessly went through your case file that was sitting on the passenger seat before he entered. “I thought you don’t take these cases anymore?”

“The poor guy was desperate, and he offered a lot of money for a simple, menial task,” you explained. ���I don’t get why he doesn’t ask someone cheaper. Literally anyone could do this.”

“But they can’t do it as well as you do,” Dick booped your nose with his gloved finger.

“What about you? What brings you to this side of town?”

“Tim needed help with some training. And patrol brings me everywhere, sweetheart,” he smirked.

You noticed that your body had subconsciously turned towards him. His eyes were not visible then, covered by the whites of his mask. He was slightly damp due to the drizzle outside.

You cleared your throat. “I’m going to stake out here until they come out. Note how long they were together.”

“That could be until the sun rises.”

“Yep.”

“Need company?”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “I thought you needed to patrol, and help Tim.”

“Ah, you’re right,” he sighed dramatically, “I’d much rather be in this steamy car with you, though.”

“Go and help your Robin, Dick,” you chuckled, unable to resist him. “Your mentee needs his mentor, Gotham needs its hero and you’re here cozying up with a PI.”

“How irresponsible of me,” he muttered. You hadn’t realized that both of you had moved closer.

You risked a quick glance to his slightly parted lips before tearing your eyes away. He was right, it had suddenly got steamy in the car.

“Text me when you’re back? It’s dangerous to be alone at this hour,” he said before stepping out and flying off in the most flamboyant, Dick Grayson way.

I can take care of myself.

You took deep breaths to calm down and slow your heartbeat.

Maybe you were scared that you were so lonely. But a part of you knew that starting something with Dick wouldn’t be too bad.

You were just scared of being judged by Dick’s dead, younger brother.

The next weekend, you found yourself on your balcony. It was 3 AM, and you were slightly tipsy from the cocktail you made yourself. You closed your eyes and listened to the sound of the wind, the cars, the occasional police siren. You made your decision.

Need you. you texted Dick, knowing he was out on patrol.

15 minutes. he replied.

Jason was dead. There was no one else who understood and accepted you almost as well as Dick did.

You waited out there in the cold for his arrival. When he did land straight on your balcony, his hair was a mess and he was panting slightly. You grabbed his face and kissed him roughly.

It didn’t matter anymore because Jason was dead.

SIX MONTHS AFTER THE ARRIVAL OF RED HOOD.

It was more difficult to control your shadow, but you tried your best. Moving in with Dick helped a bit more as compared to when you were alone, but you were constantly on edge.

He was alive, and what would he think of this? You and Dick? Would he see it as a betrayal?

Dick was having sleepless nights and was gone most of the time to help Bruce with Jason’s tantrum. Six months since Jason had appeared alive, and God knows how long before he crawled out of his grave, but he had not contacted you even once.

And you knew, you knew he was angry at you. That this whole villain arc had at least something to do with you. Even though it didn’t make sense, that you were never together, that you were nothing more than just best friends.

Somehow you felt that the rage and destruction was directed towards you.

For as long as you got together with Dick two years ago, and a whole year of playing cat and mouse with him ever since that kiss, you never had radio silence from him for this long. Two or three days was the maximum, and he would reassure you that everything was fine while you continued on with your PI business. A week long was unheard of.

Then, your phone buzzed.

I’m fine. He’s fine. Everyone’s fine.

You let out a breath that you hadn’t realized you were holding.

Is he back? you asked.

He’s gonna take some time off. Need to go. See you soon.

And so you didn’t sleep until Dick came back home the next morning.

“He’s so… broken,” Dick whispered above your head as he hugged you tightly.

You frowned. You didn’t like that word used to describe Jason. A person couldn’t be broken. People weren’t objects. You knew what Dick meant, that Jason was traumatized- but it didn’t mean that he was broken. Broken meant that you needed to be fixed before someone accepted you, that you needed to be functional or useful.

Broken meant that there was a state where people were whole, and you knew too well that there’s no such thing as a whole person. People just existed in different states, and each state was just as important as the other.

Jason told you all of that when you opened up to him about your past. One day many years ago, you fucked up during a mission. Your shadow had hurt someone a little too badly.

“I don’t even know how it works, Jay,” you had cried, “Sometimes it has a mind of its own and it just reacts outside of my control.”

“You saved me in the end,” Jason tried comforting you, putting his arm around your shoulder as you sat on the carpet of the empty living room.

“But I could have hurt you too,” you argued, “It could have attacked your shadow and killed you, the same way I killed my parents.”

You hadn’t told anyone about that. Only the Justice League knew.

“It was an accident,” Jason insisted.

“I’m just a broken person,” you choked. “No one should be near me.”

That was when he took his arm away and held your shoulders in both his hands, forcing you to face him, to stare into his piercing, fierce gaze.

“Don’t ever let me hear you say that about yourself ever again, got it?” he scolded you, “You are not broken. You’re like- like water. Or air. You exist in different states of matter, and each state you’re in is no less broken than the rest. You’re not broken, okay? You’re Sunny, you’re sunshine. You’re just sunshine…”

NINE MONTHS AFTER THE ARRIVAL OF RED HOOD

“Cheating spouse, undercover at Harvard, cheating spouse again…” you muttered to yourself as you browsed your cases in the living room, illuminated by a single warm light above your head. Dick would complain about the mess in the morning when he eats his cereal.

If he even comes back by tomorrow. you finished your own thought.

The blackmail material requests sounded interesting, but you always hesitated to accept the morally gray ones. You usually would go for missing or runaway children, the evidence of corruption, and the occasional journalist request for an inside scoop.

In fact, your eyes caught one such request. An anonymous journalist from the Gotham Gazelle. You received a text from a disposable two days ago, detailing a locker combination and an address. The contents of the locker were documents within a crisp and new light brown folder- a typical case file, along with a thousand dollars in cash and a promise of another two thousand after completion.

Journalists were not usually this cautious, but if they were investigating someone high profile, it was better to remain anonymous. Especially in Gotham.

You took a sip of your dark roast Arabica coffee, engrossed by what your anonymous client wanted you to get. It was already 11 PM.

Then, you heard the bell ring.

You frowned. Dick wouldn’t ring the bell to his own apartment.

Concentrating on pulling your shadow back, you walked barefoot to the door and looked through the peephole.

Your heartbeat quickened at who you saw standing on the other side of the door.

Calm down, calm down, calm down. Deep breaths.

The door clicked when you unlocked it, and creaked when you pulled it open.

You couldn’t remember when you had stopped counting the amount of days since you saw those piercing blue eyes that were so similar, yet so different from Dicks’. Now they were even more different from what you remembered. They were like battleworn armor standing in an enclosed case.

“There’s my sunshine,” Jason smiled weakly at you.

There was no chance of stopping your tears from falling down your face, so you didn’t even try. You let them flow freely as you speechlessly embraced him and felt his warm arms snake around you. The warmth of an embrace you thought you were never going to feel ever again.

He grew much taller than you. He was 16 when he died, and you were just turning 18. You had stopped growing a year or two before that, but boys kept on growing, didn’t they? He was the same height as you were the last time you saw him, but now he was at least a couple of feet taller. Did that mean he was back long before he started going as Red Hood? What did he do for two and a half years? Who-

“Don’t mean to be rude, but can I come in? I’m freezing my tits off out here,” he said. Even his voice was much, much deeper.

You chuckled and nodded, taking a step away to let him in.

You closed the door behind Jason and watched as he walked in slowly, looking around at Dick’s apartment. You noticed he paused at the dining table where you were working, and then strided to the sofa in the living room before taking a seat. You followed suit and sat next to him, not yet trusting your voice to make a sound.

“So,” he began, “You and Grayson, huh?”

Looking so intently, taking him all in, you almost missed the question.

“You’re bigger than him,” you blurted, before widening your eyes in horror at what you were implying.

Jason raised a scarred eyebrow.

“I mean- you- your build,” you quickly explained, “Your frame. Shoulders. Length. Big.”

“Length?” he smirked.

“Height!” you almost yelled.

Jason leaned closer to you and frowned. “Am I making you nervous?”

You couldn’t bear his piercing eyes, so you looked down at your hands.

“I thought maybe you never wanted to see me again,” you confessed, “I thought maybe you were angry at me, and hated me.”

“I was,” he simply stated.

You looked at him in question.

“Angry at you. For a bit,” he sighed and leaned back against the couch, “But I was angry at everyone. You were no exception. I was just mad everyone had forgotten me. Especially those I cared about.”

“I never forgot you, Jason,” you vowed, “How could I ever?”

“Then why did you-” he cut himself off, “Nevermind. I just wanted to say that I’m not mad anymore. I get it. I was dead, and everyone moved on.”

He crossed his arms and again, you noticed how large his arms were. His face was more mature, jawline more defined and square, eyes now more deep set with extra dark circles underneath them. As if your body had a mind of its own, you reached out to his face and caressed the scar across his cheek.

Jason jumped slightly in surprise at the sudden contact, but then closed his eyes and leaned into your touch.

“You have more scars now,” you pointed out, “What happened?”

You felt his breath down your wrist.

“Another story for another day,” he smiled and opened his eyes. You took your hand away, blushing at how intimate that must have seemed to an onlooker. “Where’s Boy Wonder?”

“No idea,” you shrugged. “You want something to drink? Tea? Coffee?”

“Aw, come on, Sunny!” he got up and walked to the kitchen, “It’s a Welcome Back, Jason party. Where are the fun drinks?”

He started opening your cabinets.

“Wow, make yourself at home, why don’t you?” you shook your head and went to join him.

“Mi casa es su casa,” he sang, “At least, that’s what Grayson told me when he gave me the address. Aha!”

He found the cabinet of liquors. “Wow, I’m quite impressed by his collection.”

“That’s my collection,” you corrected him, “Dick couldn’t tell the difference between tequila and rum even if his life depended on it. I have a variety. What do you feel like?”

“You’re the bartender,” he teased, “Surprise me.”

You nodded and proceeded to make him a drink. Jason sat down at the dining table and nosily looked through your files. That was one thing he and Dick had in common, at least.

You set down a whisky sour for him and yourself before clearing your paperwork to the side, giving him the side eye as you snatched a folder from his hands.

Taking a seat across from him, the both of you dinked glasses together and took a sip.

“Strong,” he commented, “That’s good.”

You accepted the compliment silently.

“So, you don’t know where Grayson’s at?” he inquired.

“Nope,” you replied, “I know he has missions sometimes. Helps out here and there. He’s gone for two or three days before he comes back home with a new bruise or cut. I don’t ask for details unless he starts to tell me about it.”

Your chest made an involuntary squeeze that you tried to hide. There were times when you had asked Dick, and he lied to you. You had arguments over where he was, and who he was with before.

Jason studied your poker face intently, and for a second, you felt as though he was interrogating you.

He took another sip.

“How’s business going?” he changed the subject, “I heard you never went back to the team.”

“I couldn’t,” you answered simply.

“Why not?”

“Everything reminded me of you. It hurt too much.”

A deafening silence. A look of guilt. A looming darkness that grew.

“Business is great, actually,” you went on. “And I enjoy the slower-paced nature of the work.”

“Ugh, even stake outs?” he made a face, not commenting on how your shadow became slightly bigger.

“Stake outs can be nice sometimes,” you argued, “Crank down the window, put the radio on, snack on some fries. Sometimes I read, as well. I’m used to spending long hours by myself.”

“Sounds like you haven’t changed much,” he smiled endearingly at you.

“Not even physically?” you pouted, “I’ve been going to the gym.”

He laughed at that. “Yes, I’ve noticed. You look much more… Mature?”

“Are you saying I look old, Todd?” you huffed.

“So fucking old. A hag.”

You stuck out your tongue at him and laughed together, as if nothing ever changed. As if he never died, as if you never grieved for him and longed for him.

“I’m kidding,” he conceded, “You look good. Really good. Dick’s a lucky guy.”

You frowned at the last comment. “It doesn’t bother you, does it? Me and Dick?”

Another pause. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Jason knew you well, so he knew how to answer you. His statement wasn’t a lie.

You heard the jingle of keys in the distance.

“Speak of the fucking devil,” Jason whispered into his drink before taking a big gulp.

“Honey, I’m ho- oh. Jason, I didn’t expect to find you here,” Dick stood in the doorway, stunned.

“Welcome back, babe,” you walked over and greeted your boyfriend with a kiss. For the first time, Dick looked slightly uncomfortable with your display of affection.

“You guys have been hanging out without me!” Dick whined, his child-like persona immediately taking over.

That was how Dick was. You noticed it after a few times with him, how he would mask his emotions or awkwardness with his happy, warm personality. He was a people person, charming his way anywhere and everywhere regardless of any situation.

Yet, you could see through it all. The grief, the aching fatigue, and the countless battle scars.

“Was just leaving,” Jason announced curtly.

“Ngaw, don’t be like that,” Dick tried to persuade him, “Stay a little while. We can catch up.”

“There’s nothing to catch up on,” Jason insisted, “Bye.”

He glanced once at you, and then left without saying a word.

There was a stark difference between the way he was with you and the way he was with Dick. In the short future, you would come to realize that it wasn’t that he was different with everyone else. Jason treated everyone else with the cold, rough demeanor you witnessed- but never you. You were the only one who knew him as though that Jason never died.

You saw Dick’s shoulders slump in disappointment. “How long was he here for?”

“About an hour?” you answered nonchalantly, going back to your case files.

“He has never spoken to me for more than 15 minutes,” Dick informed you, “Even then he would give non-committal answers.”

“Really?” you asked, frowning to yourself. It took just a little while for the both of you to go back to how things used to be. “Maybe he’s more upset at you since you’re his brother.”

“Nah, don’t think that’s it,” Dick came up behind you and nuzzled his face in your neck. “You smell good. Missed you.”

“Missed you too,” you hummed, “How was… Your mission?”

“Tiring,” he complained, “You choose a case already?”

“Maybe,” you replied, “Who was there?”

You heard Dick gulp. “Donna. Kon. Wally.”

“And?”

“Kori.”

You felt your chest tighten again. “Okay. I’m tired too. I think I’ll go to bed now.”

“You just drank coffee,” he pointed out, “You’re going to sleep now?”

“Or just lie in bed,” you responded, “Seeing Jason was… emotional.”

“Yeah, I get it,” he ran a hand through his dark, wavy hair.

“You coming?”

“I have to patrol,” he looked at you guiltily.

“But you just got back,” you argued.

“They can cover more ground when I’m around,” he explained. “Sorry. I’ll spend time with you tomorrow, okay?”

You smiled at him and reached a hand to press on his chest. He was so committed, and that’s what you loved about him. He really, truly cared.

“Just stay safe,” you gave him a deep kiss, tasting the cola chapstick he stole from you months ago.

“I’ll see you in the morning, darling,” he breathed.

That night you lay awake in bed, staring at darkness. You let your shadow go at night, allowing it to take over the room. A buzz came from your phone all of a sudden. Another unknown number.

You tapped it open.

This is my number if you need me. J.

It had been a while since you smiled whenever you lay alone, unable to sleep.

And how did you get mine?

You didn’t actually care. You were just so happy to be texting your best friend again.

I’m just a genius, Sunny. You staying up late to work?

You contemplated your answer.

No. Just couldn’t sleep. What do you do now, anyway? Do you patrol with the rest?

Sometimes. I mostly do my own thing now.

What thing?

Another story for another time, sunshine.

I’m glad you’re back, Jay. Thank you for seeing me today. Can we hang out soon?

We can hang out whenever you want.

You were typing a reply, but was interrupted by another message from him.

I missed you lots.

I missed you too, Jason. We have to get caught up with all the slumber parties we missed.

Don’t think Grayson would be too happy with that though.

My best friend is back from the dead. He can suck it up.

I’ll see you soon then?

You contemplated again.

What are you doing tomorrow? I got an interesting case. Wanna tag along?

***

Jason’s heart broke when he found out that you were with Dick. It was a large reason why he was so angry, and why he became so destructive. But he tried to stay angry at you, tried to hate you, but he just couldn’t bring himself to. The years without you were lonely, and he tried to fill up the emptiness with rage.

It took him so long after Bruce brought him back to his senses to finally see you because he was practicing. He knew he couldn’t bear to look at you and Dick while you were together, so he practiced controlling his emotions so he wouldn’t snap and scare you away.

But when you opened the door and he saw your face for the first time in years, everything dissipated. He didn’t need to control any anger because all he felt was longing. It didn’t matter if you were in love with Dick, all that mattered was that you were there next to him.

“Okay, so,” you began as you pulled the car to a stop in a street at Diamond District. “Rupert Thorne.”

“The guy who is running for mayor?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed, browsing through the documents, “He allegedly backed Hill in the previous elections, but now he is running against Hill. My client wants me to find evidence of corruption and find out who his sponsors are.”

Jason saw the way your brows stitched together as you read through the file.

It was difficult to be in the same car as you. Even though he was in the passenger seat, he felt like it was a small closet, being suffocated by your demanding presence.

“Why doesn’t he sponsor himself? Isn’t he some sort of closeted crime lord too?” Jason asked.

“I guess that’s the mystery,” you hummed, “He must have been promised something, or he must have promised something- if he wins.”

You smelled like warm cinnamon and vanilla. All Jason wanted to do was to bury his face in your neck and breathe you in. The pull he felt towards you was almost physical. He needed to stop himself from touching you, from claiming you.

“So what’s the first step?” he tried to focus on the case.

“He works in that building there,” you looked outside across the street to the tall mirrored tower. “COO of Trident Shipping Company. He’s doing quite well in popularity lately… Articles say he is modest and humble, charming, thoughtful, charitable… The list goes on. Must have a great PR team.”

Jason smiled to himself. You were starting to think out loud, a habit of yours he noticed one night during a strategy meeting with the team. So many years ago.

“Anyway, we want to see where he goes, who he meets, what he does-”

“Oh no,” Jason groaned, “You scammed me into a stakeout!”

He really didn’t mind if it meant spending long hours with you in your cozy car.

“It’ll be fun!” you tried to convince him, “We can catch up in the meantime! Plus, I do also need to bug his phone. Might need your help with that. I also have some metka, so maybe we can pollinate some lead suspects once we narrow them down and-”

“Woah, woah, woah, hold up,” Jason started chuckling in disbelief, “First of all- one step at a time, please. Let’s make a structured flowchart first before you start rambling off fifty-seven steps ahead. Second of all- metka, are you fucking with me right now? How did you get your hands on Soviet Cold War tech?”

Metka or spy dust- chemically known as nitrophenyl pentadienal or NPPD- was an old and outdated, yet still effective, Russian method of marking or tagging suspected CIA agents during the Cold War by the KGB. It was a discreet powder that stuck to everything. They would tag the agents at the airport, and then anything the agent touched would have traces of the dust. Including Russian assets- spies or informants working for the CIA. They would be able to identify the traitors.

“I’m a PI,” you said smugly, “I’m resourceful.”

Yes, you were. Jason beamed proudly at you. But he said, “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, how about the bug?”

“I have this-” you rummaged through your messenger bag and took out a small silver card the size of a hotel matchbox. It had the Bat sigil.

“So I assume you have Batman’s NFC card because you’re resourceful?” Jason teased. He knew the gadget well. The near field communication device allowed hijacking into another electronic device with NFC just by near contact. It could allow for cloning the device, or installing spyware.

You stuck your tongue at him childishly.

“I wonder what Batman would think of you stealing his gadgets for personal use,” Jason jested.

“Okay, I borrowed it from DIck, and it’s not like I’m using it for personal reasons. This is a highly professional operation,” you huffed, “Anyway, if you could let me finish telling you my plan. It says that Thorne is into French girls and he usually comes out for a smoke break around this time.”

“And?”

“I will be bumping into him. The NFC needs about 30 seconds of contact. I’ll slip the card in the pocket where he keeps his phone. But in case I can’t stick around to take it out, you will have to come walking behind me to pickpocket it from him.”

“Sounds good. What if he’s using his phone?”

“I’ll bump it out of his hand and apologize profusely,” you grinned. “Okay I need to get ready.”

You unbuttoned your weathered leather jacket to reveal a white top with a low neckline, giving Jason a good view of your cleavage.

“Uhhh,” he started awkwardly.

You ignored him and looked in the mirror, smearing lipstick on your lips and smacking them. Then, you ruffled your hair to give it more volume before turning to face him with a “How do I look?”

The red you chose for your lipstick matched your skin tone perfectly. And he never noticed you had a tiny cute mole on the top of your left breast. The way your hair was effortlessly messy made Jason imagine that was how you would look like in the mornings, or when he takes a handful of it while kissing you rough-

“G-great,” he complimented weakly.

If he hadn’t already died, then you were going to be the death of him.

“Oh shit, there he is,” you opened the car. “Quick, hang around a few feet behind me.”

Jason saw you strut as you approached Thorne. He was tall and handsome, and looked good for a man his age. Jason could tell that his suit was expensive. His coat was probably cashmere. He could see why Thorne was so popular. He definitely looked the part. He was talking on his phone, and he was now curious as to what you had in mind.

From down the block and in the crowd, Jason saw you pretend to talk on your phone in perfect French, rushing somewhere unknown. He didn’t notice the cup you were carrying before.

“Ah, putain! I am zo zorr’y, Monsieur!” you bumped hard into Thorne, spilling liquid all over his coat and yourself.

Thorne looked surprised, and then pocketed his phone in his coat. “It’s quite alright.”

“No, no, pleez. Let me ‘elp you,” you made a fuss. You took out a handkerchief from your bag and simultaneously shrugged off your jacket. Jason smirked to himself. No hot-blooded male would be able to resist the sight of you in a wet white low neckline t-shirt.

“Let me pay for your dry cleaning,” you worried, “Oh, putain it speeled down here too.”

You got on your knees and started dabbing the hem of his coat.

“You really don’t have to do that,” Thorne smiled and held your shoulder in a gesture to help you up.

“I am really zo zorr’y,” you looked up at him.

A flash of lust sparked Thornes’ eyes, and Jason knew you were batting your eyelashes at him from that angle. It made him want to punch Thorne square in the jaw.

“It’s really alright, madam,” he insisted, “It was my fault for standing in the middle of a busy pedestrian walkway.”

“I should ‘ave watched where I was walking,” you bit your lip and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Well, let’s just both move on from this. Please don’t worry, I can get my assistants to get me another coat,” he rested his hand on your lower back as he walked you towards the street. “Here is my business card. Feel free to contact me if you need any help navigating the city. I would love to show you all the fine restaurants in Gotham.”

“Monsieur, you are too kind,” you pouted.

“I should thank you for bumping into me,” he winked, “It’s not everyday I get to see a beautiful lady.”

You pretended to blush.

“I have to go now,” he announced, “Please give me a call.”

And with that, he entered the building.

You walked towards Jason with the look of a kid who scored his first goal.

But then, facing him now, Jason swore under his breath. No wonder you managed to bewitch Thorne so easily.

Your shirt was practically see through, and everyone was turning their heads at you. He could see your black lacy bra, and how your tits bounced as you jogged towards him.

“Hells to the yes!” you celebrated, “That was more than thirty seconds. I got the card back and- what are you doing?”

Jason had grabbed your jacket and forcefully put it over your shoulders. “Let’s hurry back to the car.”

Yeah, you were going to be the death of him.

[allastoredeer]

I'm with you there on preferring bottom!Alastor and getting squicked out by top!Alastor. The squick is worse for me when searching radioapple than radiostatic stuff, and I think it has more to do with the egregious amount of uke-fication of Lucifer that I've seen. Vox and Al get it sometimes too, let's be real that's gonna happen in any mlm ship. But I feel like it happens SO often to Lucifer, mostly cause he's small and cute, that people completely forget he's the oldest and most powerful entity in hell.

He would NOT be genuinely scared or intimidated by Al or any other sinner for that matter and Al would NOT be able to physically overpower or threaten Luci. It just feels so wildly out of character for me that any of the appeal of the ship/characters is gone at that point.

Like, for real, no shade to anyone that likes that, go on and get your food. But my extreme dislike of it has me now avoiding bottom!Lucifer radioapple like the plague just so I don't risk being subjected to it.

I think...I think you just described why I feel so squicked out by bottom!Lucifer and top!Alastor 😦 Like, I couldn't figure out what exactly about it was throwing me off, but you just said it perfectly!!

That's literally it! It's the uke-fication of Lucifer. That's it. Lucifer would never feel threatened by Alastor. He would never be overpowered by Alastor. So when I see depictions of Alastor successfully intimidating Lucifer, or overpowering him at all, it just throws me out of the story.

Lucifer's been alive longer than Hell. Alastor's measely 100+ years of being alive is nothing compared to his millennia+ lifespan. And yeah, Lucifer is the strongest person in Hell, he could beat Alastor in any fight, no question. He has no reason to be scared or threatened by him.

And look, there are ways to get Lucifer to a point of being afraid. There are always a way to make characters act in a way you wouldn't typically see. In fact, Lucifer, the biggest, baddest person in Hell, being threatened by something would be a huge thing for his character and for the story. That could totally work!

But when it comes from Alastor just going into his demon form, or looming over Lucifer, I just 🥲 it takes me out of the story. I can't. Alastor may be a big bad Overlord, and he's dangerous for sure, but like...power-wise he is just not on Lucifer's level and Lucifer knows that--Alastor knows that--and this is what makes their dynamic so, SO interesting, especially if they're in a relationship or slowly building into a relationship. That's what makes it so spicy and flavorful. The push and pull. The insecurity and emotion. The complex dynamic between them.

I think you're right about it making bottom!Lucifer and top!Alastor lose its appeal. I went back through my Twitter bookmarks yesterday and found a few top!Alastor's & bottom!Lucifer's that I've saved, but I've come to dislike that generalized characterization of it so much that I avoid it it like the plague too.

And like you said, there's no hate to those who enjoy it. This is fandom and people are allowed to write, draw, and do what they want. It's all fiction and it's not hurting anyone.

I just don't like the top!Alastor & bottom!Lucifer dynamic in most fan-arts, and I don't click onto fics with it cause I just don't want to subject myself to an unenjoyable time 😂 I'm here to have fun too, afterall.

[lostbetweenvampiresandmusic]

Worlds apart

Telling his mate about his true nature didn't go as planned.

____________________

I felt terrified, standing in front of the sign. "Welcome to Santa Carla!" It said, in bright yellow and red letters. Pictures of the boardwalk, the rides, and the traintrack - things I hadn't seen in so long.

I wasn't terrified of going back to Santa Carla. In fact, I had been anxious to. I needed to get back, I needed to come home. I just didn't know if home wanted me back.

You see, about eight months ago, I met this boy. Well, he was a bit too old to be called a boy, but you get what I mean. He was this early twenty-something year old, with the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen. With stories, I could listen to for hours without getting bored. A sense of humour that matched mine. Looks that were to die for. I had met him the day I moved to Santa Carla, preparing for a new start after losing the last family I had left. Within two weeks, I had completely fallen for him, and lucky for me, he had also fallen for me.

David was everything. In such a short time, he became my safe haven, my home, my best friend and lover, and I couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. It scared me a little how quickly everything went, but he always reassured me that we wouldn't rush into things if I did not want to. Those six weeks were absolute heaven. I honestly believe that I have never been happier.

It was only when I spent the night at the cave, their home, that something shifted between David and me.

"I need to tell you something."

"Are you alright?"

"Sit down," he said, his voice more distant than I had ever heard before.

"David?"

"You know I love you, right?"

I nodded.

"I need to near you say it."

"I know. I love you too. David, what's going on?"

"I'm a vampire."

I was quiet for a moment before laughing. "Yeah, right. That's a good one."

"Love," he looked at me, "I am not lying."

And he wasn't. His eyes turned yellow, his face turned into a batlike shape, and his fangs seemed sharp enough to tear me in two.

"Y-you're not joking?"

"No."

"You're - you're a vampire? I- you kill people?"

"Yes."

"How long?"

"Almost eighty years."

My eyes grew wide as I felt panic wash over me. This wasn't real. This was just one big prank from the boys - there is no way that vampires were real. David wouldn't lie, not ever. He hated liars, so why-? I began to focus on my breathing, trying to calm myself down.

"Why didn't you kill me?"

"I couldn't. I could never hurt you."

"Why not?"

"You're my mate. We belong together."

And that's when I fully panicked. I got sick, I threw up, I whimpered and cried and avoided his touch out of fear. I didn't dare look at him, both scared that this was some sort of cruel joke and at the same time scared that this was real. That vampires were real.

"I- David, I- I love you, I really do, but this - how can this be real? I don't believe - if this is real, if you are speaking the truth..." I fell silent, not knowing what to say.

"I am not lying to you, love."

I nodded, tears in my eye. "I need time. I - I don't know if I can deal with this right now. Not without being unfair and mean and cold to you. Im scared, and I..." The first teardrop fell. I - I'm sorry."

David nodded, getting what I was hinting at. He reached for me, holding my hand before letting it go with a soft squeeze. After losing my family and not actively dealing with that, the news of my boyfriend being undead was the final drop in the already close to overflowing bucket.

"You need to take your time and space. Just-" he took a breath, "Please stay in touch."

I had nodded, and I had left him there. Six months ago now. In that time, I had taken my space, literally. I had been afraid still and had gone to Sweden - enjoying the days where the sun wouldn't set. It felt safe. Safe from vampires and monsters, and it allowed me to deal with things. Two weeks after I had left, I wrote my first letter. I had it delivered at the videostore, hoping that David would get it. And he did, because after a week I had a response from him.

In the letters I sent him, I told him where I was, what I had been up to. I asked questions about him being a vampire, and slowly but surely, I came to terms with it. Still, I felt rather confused. I got why he hadn't told me about it from the start, and at the same time, the lying also hurt. But, in the end, I dealt with my family passing, I dealt with my mixed feelings about him being a vampire, and I was ready to go back.

And now, six months later, I was ready to go back home. I realised I had been unfair to him, that I definitely hurt him - which was not what I had wanted, absolutely not, but back then, I had been certain that I needed the space - and I was terrified to see him again. What if he didn't want me anymore? Or what if he moved on? Honestly, if he had, I couldn't blame him. I had been the one to leave.

With a deep breath, I started the short walk to the boardwalk, spotting David when he left the videostore.

"Nothing?" I heard Dwayne ask.

"No. I shouldn't have let them go. I should have gone to bloody Sweden as soon as I knew they were there."

He stomped off to the beach, and I quickly followed. Seeing him now made me realise not only how much I had missed him but how much he had missed me as well. I walked after him, stopping quickly as David turned around angrily.

"Why are you following -" his expression softened, and disbelief flashed over his face. "You're here?"

"Hi," I whispered, not trusting my voice to let any louder noise escape.

David hugged me tightly, and I broke down - crying as I held onto him. "I'm sorry I left, I'm so sorry I was so stubborn. I missed you so much, I-" I gasped for breath, sinking down to the ground. David held me, and I saw some tears burning in his eyes.

"I thought you'd never come back. I was scared you wouldn't."

"I was scared you'd be angry," I said softly, looking at him. "I'm sorry for how I left."

"I'm sorry I scared you so bad."

"Can we start over?" I asked. "Just try to rebuild what we had? If - if you want me still, that is."

"Yes," David smiled, kissing my forehead softly. "Nice to meet you, love."

I smiled shyly. "I promise I won't ever run off to a place with no nighttime again."

"Next time, I'll just follow you. The burns will be a testament of my love."

I kissed him, softly and gently, smiling when he returned the kiss. Nothing could show him how much I regretted leaving, how much I had missed him - but being here felt right. Being with him felt right. I just hoped he felt the same.

[dateamonster]

My vampire ex-boyfriend is stalking me. This is not an unusual occurrence. Even when we were still dating he was always doing this, he just used to be more obvious about it because if I called him out he already had a line locked and loaded about how he was only looking out for me. And sure, I'll admit that I've had more than the average number of near-death experiences for a seventeen year old, but at the risk of rehashing old arguments, a lot of that could've been avoided if he'd just turned me the first time I asked.

I've broken things off with my vampire ex-boyfriend a couple times before, usually for about the same reasons, but this time it's different. I think he's noticed it too. I'm not grieving anymore, not holing myself up in my room listening to sad music watching every gray day pass me by. I've talked to my friends, then to my dad, and they're on my side. My dad took a little longer to come around, but it helped that his best friend's son went through the same thing. It's good to have people around who want to support me, not just protect me.

My vampire ex-boyfriend didn't want me to be a vampire like him. He didn't want me to have sex, with him or anyone else. He didn't want me to go out with my friends without him there, but he also didn't want to come along. He didn't want me to go out after dark. He didn't want me to cut my hair. But he liked me, he really liked me. He liked that I didn't ever show much skin even in the summer. He liked that I didn't have any real hobbies or passions so that he could be the one to introduce me to music and fine art and literature. He liked that I kept my innermost thoughts so buried that they were a secret even to me.

I don't know for sure if I want to be a vampire anymore. I think I might, or at the very least I want to keep my options open, but it doesn't feel as urgent now that I know there are other ways to change myself. I used to think I needed it to be close to him. He was so beautiful, is so beautiful. My vampire ex-boyfriend, with his serious, brooding stare and his model chin and his body carved from the center of a pale diamond, his chiseled angles sharp enough to cut with just a glance. And then me beside him, with my long mousy hair and my fragile frame hidden beneath overlarge shirts and jeans when even a knee-length skirt made me feel too exposed. For all his sanguineous habits, I was the parasite, and he was the genuine article, and maybe that's why it hurt so much to have him reject me again and again. All I ever wanted was to burrow into his colorless skin, to feel what it was like to be strong and unyielding. My vampire ex-boyfriend hated his perfect body. He waxed poetic about my warmth, my softness. Maybe we were more alike than I thought in the end.

I load my old pickup truck full of lumber and nails and feel pleased by how much easier it is now that I've started to put on a little muscle. Working with my hands makes me feel more grounded in my body, so dad's enlisted my help in some of his DIY projects around the house. My collection of bandages is growing, from splinters and slips and the occasional dropped hammer, but my coordination grows a fraction less abysmal each day, and if I spill blood there's no one there to wince and whine about it.

I put a lock on my bedroom window. I pin photographs to my wall documenting my changes from month to month. Dad shows me how to shave without cutting myself, despite my insistence that if I could figure out my legs I can figure out my face. I smile more days than I don't. I still turn my head in the same direction when I hear a loud crack from beyond the treeline that's not quite thunder. I still visit his family, when he's not around. In another life I know his parents would've treated me like one of their own.

Just as I'm climbing into the driver's seat I hear a voice from the shadows, whispering the name of a stranger. I drive away. I've got no more interest in raising the dead.

[confessionsofamasc]

#1

I was born in a hospital that I drive by sometimes. I don’t understand gender or sex more than anyone. I’ve read a lot of theory. I’ve taken comfort in it. It hasn't changed my conditions, but it's granted me a sense of stability. The best of it offers clarification. The worst of it makes me feel like I don’t exist. It’s like anything, it’s complicated. It has made me suspicious of any unifying theory of gender, of simplification. That abstraction feels like more of the same. The reduction, the disappearance, the slow death. Everything begs the question and everyone is too afraid to try and answer it.

The more I read the more ambiguity I am able to accept in myself and others. It usually isn't reciprocated.

I’m a man. Right now my hair is long. It’s annoying, it gets in the way. Recently I was enjoying wearing feminine clothing, but not so much at the moment. I used to date women. I used to be a lesbian. I used to be butch, in a lot of ways I still am. I got myself into a lot of trouble that way. I sought out people who could see my maleness somewhere inside of my womanhood. This was fraught. I try not to blame myself. My maleness made me vulnerable and people could tell. That's on them.

I don’t know what I look like. People see me as different things. I’ve been told that some of these different things lie in complete contradiction with each other. To some people I negate myself and they hate that. I don’t mind being a paradox. I didn’t make it a paradox. I know how I feel and I know what I want. How other people see me is not my responsibility. I know what feels right and what feels wrong. It's one of those things, like love. No justification needed. I like what this has given me, a general ambivalence I find freeing. No one owes me understanding, not even myself, just acceptance. I roll with the punches.

No one’s going to be able to know me from a short interaction. That’s fine. That’s not my problem. It’s not their problem either. But I correct them, I give them a chance. I am as honest as possible. It’s awkward. Sometimes it isn’t, sometimes there is that moment of two people meeting, like two comrades undercover. The nod, the smiles. Some people get angry. I avoid going places where they might be able to react. I don’t go out. Sometimes I don’t correct people. 

Sometimes I know that people want me to make myself smaller, more understandable, that I must diminish myself. Categorize, define, summarize, defend, defer. I get the feeling my complexity is the wrong kind of complexity. I hate deference, I want to be an equal participant in the conversation.

I was in line for a friend’s show, waiting to get my bag searched, my ID checked and a man behind me got close, started touching my bag. Same old. Bad jokes, mean jokes, stuff to try and make me feel vulnerable. Said he was putting his gun in my bag to hold onto. Trying to get me to engage to protect myself. Flatter him, don’t hurt his ego. That boring misogynistic flirting that kids start honing in grade school. I didn’t say anything. I made myself as uninteresting as I could. That hurt his feelings. “I bet you think I’m such an asshole”, he said with little kid anger. I continued to ignore him. I didn’t want him to hear my voice or see my face. He figured I was a girl. It's the hair. Then came his quick turn to vitriol, insults under his breath. I got inside and none of my friends were there yet. I pretended to be alright, cold-blooded. Like I don't feel anything.

I learned that quickly, that being a man is not a trump card, not for me. Some people tell me this can't be true, it's not the part about being a man. I become comprehensible to them only if they separate me from an important part of my whole, if they dictate myself back to me in a way they find acceptable, in line with their worldview. Sometimes I am asked to completely disavow it to be let back into life. That is a very old trick. I got tired of it when I was still a little girl.

I know that it is the catalyst. The thing about me, the nail in the coffin. No matter what kind of man I've been, it's been true. I can't forget it even if I'm told that I must be coming at it the wrong way because I have to hold that knowledge close to survive. When I abandon it I abandon myself. Bad things start to happen again.

Why is my understanding of the violence that happens to me up for debate? How can you debate a thing you can't even look wholly at? Who gets to abstract it, define it? I should really be asking, who decides what is too insignificant to be considered part of the definition? What violence gets to slip through the cracks, undefined as violence? Why? Why are my friends disappearing into abusive relationships like I did for most of my life? Why are my friends killing themselves? Why does no one notice?

I guess there are a lot of questions that everyone's afraid to ask.

[turiluvr]

kisses on your back

in which tighnari finds himself absolutely helpless when it comes to you

— tighnari x gn!reader

It wasn't uncommon for Tighnari to ask for a massage of some sort after a long and tiring day. On some days, he'd ask you to massage his stiff shoulders with a pleading glance. On others, he'd do the same for you to return the favor—he's a firm believer that relationships should be a give-and-take situation rather than be on the receiving end constantly.

But ever since a certain incident, he's never asked for a back massage. Not because it still hurt but because of something else completely; he didn't know how you would react to seeing it for the first time. To any normal person, it wasn't a pretty sight to see traces of lightning etched into his skin like an engraving. And if Tighnari was being a little honest, showing his back—bare—to anyone made him feel vulnerable. A type of vulnerability that made him uncomfortable if he's with the wrong person.

Finally, you thought as you traced your fingertips along his back. The sudden contact of your fingertips trailing along his bare back sent shivers down his spine and he had to stop himself from moving too much when your palms were pressed against his lower back. You slid your hands to his shoulder blades with controlled force; moving carefully to avoid his scars. You couldn't help but ask him in a hushed tone while he buried half of his face into a pillow, "Does it hurt?"

"No, it's fine." He felt vulnerable under your touch. He won't say it out loud but he wanted more of it; he wanted to melt into your touch. "You can keep going."

You continued to move your hands as the smell of burning incense wafted in the air. It was a little difficult retaining your current position sitting beside him after a while and thought that perhaps a change of position would do the trick. You let out a heavy breath as you asked Tighnari, "Hey, can I switch up my position a little? I'm having a bit of a hard time staying like this."

He didn't think much of it and he absentmindedly let out a small hum of affirmation. What happened next was certainly something he didn't expect—before he knew it, he felt a heavy weight push down his lower back and your hands coming back to his skin. It didn't take him long to figure out that you were sitting on his back. His head immediately turned to look at you with disbelief evident in his expression as he asked. "W-What the hell are you doing!?"

You only smiled at him in response. "It's easier to massage you like this." It was clear that you were teasing him a little in contrast to the silent atmosphere just moments ago. "Do you not like it?"

"I don't hate it but—Ah!" The last sound he made sounded a little breathless after the words he meant to say got stuck in his throat. It was hard to not get surprised—not when he suddenly felt your lips pressed against his back. His ears twitched slightly as he felt his face grow hotter with each passing second. His voice got a little weaker. "Hey…"

You didn't respond. You continued to pepper his back with small kisses as you slowly made your way to the back of his neck. His hair was tied up but you brushed away the small strays with your thumb as you placed another kiss there. At that point, it was already difficult for Tighnari to stay still and to keep quiet.

"You… Just what got into you so suddenly?"

"Nothing. I just felt like kissing you—can't I?"

"If you want to kiss me, get off me and I'll give you one properly." He sighed. "Don't you find this embarrassing?"

"No? I find myself quite fond of your back now." Another kiss; he grumbled as he forgot the words he wanted to say.

Quickly, he scrambled to form a coherent response. "That's… not fair, isn't it? I was caught off guard…"

He felt vulnerable but he thought that if it was you, he wouldn't mind it if he became helpless with every touch you leave on his skin as it leaves him breathless. Perhaps he wanted you to continue, to go further and touch him more. Or perhaps he wanted you to stop before he became completely swept away by your rhythm. Either way, your kisses kept him breathless and gave him no time to think. He let out a low groan.

Maybe a little bit more of this wouldn't hurt, he thought as the night stretched on for a bit longer.

[anemonelovesfiction]

I Don’t Hate You

Ao’nung x Fem! Human! Reader

Warnings ⚠️ : Oral (fem receiving), cussing, MDNI 🔞

Thank you to whoever requested this, this is for you ❤️

I didn’t proof read as I am my own beta reader and I’m at work, sorry if its not too smutty for you, if it was actual smut it would have been too long!! As always English is stricken through

Translation Station

Tawtute: Sky Person (human)

Marui: Home (in Metkayina)

Ma’ite: my daughter

Innui- (ee-new-ee): made up name for Ronals youngest child

Tsahik: Spiritual healter; Shaman

Vrrtep: Demon

Sa’nok: Mother

Tsmuke: Sister

Iknimaya: Rite of Passage

Tsurak: Warriors mount

Syulang: Flower

Tewng: Loincloth

Word count 2.8k

I was only acting in the way everyone else had expected me to. Given the predicament I was in- a tawtute won the hearts of not one but both my parents, leading to a ritual in which the three of them were mated- I would say what I had currently just said to my newest sibling was up to par with what anyone else in the village believed I would say. Something hurtful about her extra digit, something about her looks, something about her size, how much of an inconvenience she was; and I’d said all of them. She was a shy thing and often spoke to Tsireya in a hushed voice, my sister had welcomed her and her mother in with open arms, but I was yet to be won over, but I was truly happy for my parents for having found their missing piece, I just wish she weren’t a tawtute, or that her daughter was unbelievably beautiful.

Her lips thin in an attempt to stop herself from crying but the fat tears in her eyes were a dead giveaway that what I had said had hurt her, and even though this was the last thing I wanted to do to the beauty that stood before me, I knew it was expected of me to hate her, so I acted like I did. My ears flicker and become downcast as I hear her sniffle, once more attempting to keep in her tears before they spilt on her cheeks, and she managed to look as beautiful as the day I first saw her.

Without another word she turns briskly and starts running in the direction she had come from, my heart hurts as I notice she picks up her hand to wipe what I assume are her tears, her sniffle causing my ears to perk up in an attempt to continue listening to her, I sigh. I want to chase after her and apologize but there were people watching.

_________

“Thats why I don’t talk to him, mama, I can’t keep-“ I stop as soon as the marui pod’s curtain was drawn back and Ronal -my stepmother- walks in, I don’t bother continuing the conversation and force myself to look away from her stare, one look and I’m sure I’d spill everything I’d just told my mom.

I make an effort to speak in English to my mom in order to prevent anyone from eavesdropping, but she had started teaching Ronal and Tonowari the language so they understand what the humans who drop supplies off say and they’re picking up on it very well. I’m starting to feel as though no one is on my side anymore.

“Ma’ite-“ She coos as she runs her thumb on my cheek gently, I only pout at her response, knowing she’d switched to Na’Vi so Ronal would understand clearly.

“What is wrong, you look bothered, are the village boys being mean to you again?” Ronal asks as she settles the newest addition to the family down, I only avoid my mothers gaze and watch as the baby starts crawling around curiously checking everything out before smiling widely and crawling faster toward where my mother and I stood. She worked quickly to make her way toward me and wobbly stood herself by using my thighs as support, she reached the length of my mid thigh in full height and she was only nine months old.

“Forget it.” I mumble before gently shifting Innui to support herself on my mother, making sure she was stable before walking out of the marui without sparing a glance toward the tsahik.

I don’t bother lifting my head off the knitted walkway as I’ve slipped on it and ended up with one foot through the hole one too many times, a bad habit I’d created as I walked on the beach, looking at the sand seep through my toes with every step I took, not bothering to check my surroundings. Although if I’m honest I would have thought that I wouldn’t be bothered since it was almost dinner time and a majority of people were starting to wash up to prepare food.

“Hey little freak, what are you doing out here alone?” My back stiffens and my head is immediately snapping up at the sound of his voice, a shiver runs through my body as I slowly turn my head and coming face to face with one of Ao’nungs lacky’s, the one I stupidly mistaken for Rotxo when I first met him, but he was so unoriginal I didn’t bother learning his name.

“I’m not a freak.” I responded while still keeping my back to him.

“I’m sure your fourth finger would beg to differ, you’re so weird, yet so interesting.” He stated clearly and I could feel my face growing hot at his words. He always has to find a way to torment me and I thought I’d escaped it until tomorrow but I was wrong. I could feel my body tensing in anger and I’d rather not blow up and give him another reason to hate me, so I turn around to finally face him.

“Four fingers or not-“ I lifted my hand to show him my fingers and wiggling them for added effect “-I am not weird.” I managed to get through without stuttering.

“With the way you act I’d think the reason you torment me is because you like me.” I roll my eyes as I cross my hands at my chest and notice his hairless brows furrowing, giving me an angered expression, he sneers and gets close to my face, causing me to back up.

“I would never like someone as worthless and useless as you. Get that through your thick tawtute head, you are undesirable and it is unclear how your vrrtep sa’nok managed to sneak her way into our clan leaders home.” He places a finger on my chest and pushes me rather harshly, causing me to fall on my bum.

“What is going on.” An angered voice spoke from behind me, the unmistakable sound of my step-brothers voice ringing through the air, I furrow my brows in confusion before turning to look at him, seeing the water droplets falling from his skin and hair, he must have gone for a swim before dinner.

“Your vrrtep tsmuke was mouthing off to me-“ He begins with his lies to justify why he’d pushed me but I scoff at his words before feeling Ao’nung reaching down to lift me up, I’d never felt his skin before and even though he’d just stepped out of the water it was warm.

“She is not a vrrtep, she is family, you do not go around pushing Tsireya like this, do you?” Ao’nung is quick with his words and doesn’t let his act of lifting me up deter his staring contest with Great Value Rotxo- Rotxo from wish? I try not to giggle at my thoughts.

“I am only treating her how you do. Is it only okay for you?” He asks with a slight snarl.

“Leave her alone.” He stated in an authoritative voice and my knees almost buck, he almost sounded like his father, I would be lying if I didn’t find my step father attractive, but I couldn’t bring myself to think of him that way.

Wish Rotxo shifts his eyes down to my blank expression, before they dart up above my head at what I could only assume was my step-brother, his face showing annoyance and anger before turning around and walking away without another word.

“Stop getting into trouble, you always need my help-“

“Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t ask for your help, you just came up here flaunting your-“ I stop myself as he looks at me the way his mother stared at mine after yelling in English, understanding of the action but not the language. I roll my eyes and squeeze them shut before taking a calming breath, letting a sigh roll off my body as I pinched the bridge of my nose, and looking up at my step brother.

“I didn’t ask for your help.” I stated in Na’Vi “I had the situation under control.”

“That is what you call ‘under control’, getting harassed by a man and being pushed by the mere strength of his finger?” He scoffs as he crosses his arms.

“How is that any different than what you do? You hate me just as much as he does. I didn’t know you wanted to be the only one who tortures me.” I roll my eyes and deliver the same amount of sass back to him.

“I don’t hate you.” He stares directly through my soul as he says these words and a shiver runs up my spine.

“You only say the mean things you’ve said to me if you hate someone, so do not lie to me and pretend you don’t-“

“I do not hate you.” He moved closer in a matter of a millisecond, his face close enough to touch mine, but he’s being serious.

“Ao’nung, stop lying, you don’t treat Tsireya the way you treat me.” I huff and cross my arms once more.

“Thats because I’m not in love with her.” He stated matter-of-factly and I open my mouth to yell at him for how he’s treated me some more but the sudden confession hits me like a ton of bricks.

“You-“ I stare at him as he nods slightly “-Me?” I ask as I point to myself and see him nod once more.

“But I-“ I stop as I attempt to analyze the situation.

“-and you!” I use my hand to signal to him and stop from speaking once more, lowering myself to the sand as I attempt to process it, yet am unable to. I can see he’s also sunken down to squat near me, paying close attention to me.

“Why?” I finally ask. His hand reached out to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear.

“Because of who you are.” He shrugs.

“You’re kind to everyone in my family even when I wasn’t kind to you. You’re quick to learn a lot of things especially when it came to helping our parents spend some tome together by taking care of Innui. You’re adorable when you hold my baby sister in your tiny hands, especially when you make that face.” He points at me as I listen to him.

“Oh I get it, this is a joke.” I slap his finger away with the back of my hand and start to laugh.

_________

Her head tilted back and the melodious sound of her laughter made me angry at first, but the angle at which she held her head was perfect in showcasing the tattoo on her neck, the design she’s carefully chosen after passing her iknimaya- even as a tawtute she managed to bond with a tsurak, making me hopeful in her ability to bond with a mate. And not just any mate, me.

Some feeling must have overtaken me as my fingertips dance around the flesh of her neck, following the tattoo down toward her collar bones where they stop, her laughter had died down as soon as I’d touched her and my ears perk up at the slightest gasp mixed with a moan, my eyes darken as she backs up quickly, my first instinct was to grasp her by her neck, scooting closer to her.

“What are you-“

“Shh,” I shush her as my other hand carefully slides down the length of her arm and allowing myself to divulge in the smooth feeling of her soft skin. I finally take her small hand in mind and gently bring it up to my lips, eyes staring at hers, and kissing her knuckles gently.

“I. Do. Not. Hate. You.” I enunciate my words while using my thumb to caress the tattoo on her neck.

“Okay,” she mutters breathily, seemingly in a daze.

“Do you believe me now?” I ask as I get close to her face and watch her dazed stare, I can feel her breath quicken and grow heavier, her mouth slightly agape.

“Please-“ she stops herself from speaking and y hand instinctively presses on her neck, urging the words to slip out of them.

“Tell me syulang, please what?”

“Kiss me,” her eyes only focus on mine as I lean in and touch my lips toward hers, her the softness of her mouth on my lips had me feeling as if Eywa had taken me up to live with her, my entire being felt complete with this little tawtute.

I push my knees on the sand below, letting go of her neck and allowing my hand to wanter up her delicate cheek, my other hand pulling her waist closer toward me.

She nips at my lower lip and I back off immediately, wondering if the reason for her doing that was because I’d somehow been too rough or hurt her in any way, just to see her smiling shyly instead. Reaching her hands out to grasp my face, pulling me closer and looking into my eyes before leaning in and kissing me again.

I run my fingers along the rest of her body just wanting to feel all of her, feeling how her skin raises under my fingers and prickling a bit, making an effort to run my hands against her back and feeling her wriggle in my grasp.

“Fuck,” The foreign word escapes her mouth, drunk off her scent I continue kissing down her neck where her tattoo sat and hearing her beautiful moans.

“Wait, ‘Nung-“ She gasps as I gently nip at the skin on her neck and shivers at the feeling.

“Do you want me to stop?” I ask in a serious tone.

“N-no,” She murmurs.

“Then why wait?” I ask as my arm snakes around her waist again.

“The water-“ She turns her head to point at the tide and I feel the heat rise up in my chest. Whenever we choose to mate we usually do so in the water, and the fact that she remembered that made me feel happy, this was definitely the woman I wanted to mate with.

“Come.” I stand and gently tug on her arm as I walk toward the water.

_________

My tewng was pushed to the side, his mouth was working on my pussy, his tongue swished along the side of my clit, his hands were playing with my nipples, and my back was up against the rock of the retaining wall. I was furiously bucking my hips and attempting to keep my moans to a minimum in case other Na’Vi were nearby.

I could see the cook fires in the distance but they didn’t matter when my pussy was being devoured skillfully by the man who tore up my feelings, now he’s just tearing me up, and I loved it. I squeeze my thighs around his head as his tongue slides against a particularly sensitive area pf my clit, making me his tongue continue to slide over that same area, my nipples are being squeezed and I can feel myself losing control.

“I’m coming, ‘Nung-“ I gasp as I let go, the explosive feeling making my hips buck on their own accord and the waves of the ocean lapping up over my already sensitive stiffened nipples added another sense of euphoria. His hands had abandoned them and taken place to hold my thighs close to him as I came down from my high until I went lax in his hold.

He pops his head out from under the water with a smirk on his face, his first breath in wasn’t even that deep and made my cheeks sting at his previous words before he’d sunken under.

“Let me show you just how long I can hold my breath,”

“Wipe that smirk off your face.” I roll my eyes tiredly, I was just happy I’d already given him a hand job and half a blowjob before he’d gone down on me.

“I’m good.” He doesn’t even bother making it sound like a question at this point.

“Practice makes perfect I guess.” I joke and he can tell my underlying comment meant I knew he’d done this with other girls before.

“Yet none have ever tasted as sweet as you, syulang.”

“Sure,” I mumble as I reach over to grab my top, expertly putting it on my body in a quick fashion.

“Are you upset with me?” He asks as he places a gentle hand on my arm.

“No you big doofus, we need to go to dinner before ur parents think we’re out murdering each other,” I laugh lightly and his smile returns.

“I like seeing your smile.” I mutter almost too quiet, but his ears flicker when I say that, his cheeks turning a purplish color.

“I like seeing you.” He smiles sheepishly, something I’d never see him do before.

“I see you,” I mutter.

“I see you as well.”

[thestarfishinjootsoffice]

How about a slashers with a s/o who is quite like they don't talk unless they feel like it and avoids people because they just don't feel like talking at the moment?

NOO I HATE MYSELF BECAUSE I THOUGHT THIS WAS A CHILD READ3R AND I HAD TO REWRITE IT.

Slashers with quiet Reader!

Michael 🔪

He can definitely relate like 100%.

He doesn't even talk anyway so you two would be vibing when you're not in the mood.

He saw those nosy annoying people who try so hard to get shy or introverted people to talk when they're clearly uncomfortable and don't want to and think they're "helping them". He despises them the most.

If they try to wiggle their way into your business expect him to attempt to scare them off and if that doesn't work then Michael's going to departure and just mind his own beeswax. Leaving you suffering with this obnoxious person.

But if starts getting too much then he'll come back and a quick stab to the arm should work. And then later he wonders why you're sulking and ignoring him, what did he do wrong (*cough cough* leaving u alone, with a stagner)

Sinclair brothers

Bo understands too. He don't really likes to have a real normal conversation with just anyone. But he catches you reject conversations people try indulge you in. He immediately thinks they did something wrong to you, if he finds out the actual reason why he gets embarrassed and calls u an idiot or something then runs away. And also he's more prone to jealousy and anger. He's going to intimidate someone if they bother you and then plan b if that don't work. He's going to be angry (in a sad way) if you avoid him, he's gonna try his best to be patient but this man's patience can only last so long. He's gonna go through the five stages of grief and then get his revenge by tackling you onto the ground (more maybe bed) and put you in a death grip lovingly.

Vincent is the most (verbally) quiet person in his family and also reserved. So you two get along quite well. Will find it odd if he sees you keep yourself away from people, sure you weren't much of a talker but it was weird... After he finds out why he leaves you alone or he comes next to you if you'd like it. He understands when you're not in the mood to be around anyone but if it goes on a long time Vincent is gonna start thinking he did something wrong. If you allow him he's going to sit or lay next to you for God knows how long (he can't go that long without your affection) and the whole time he's quiet. And if the there's any heavy pressuring people then you may find them somewhere in the woods or underground, mutilated and definitely gone.

Lester is one talkative and active goofy boy. And he's definitely gonna be hurt if you start being more quiet than usual and showing acts of avoidance towards him. Though he'll quickly learn to understand your needs and wants. If someone is pestering you then prepare for a one sided fight, he won of course. (Jonesy came outta nowhere and scared them away.) if you come to him during your quiet moods then hours long physical touch it is. Or some other way of affection if you prefer. He still gets a little hurt when you're being distanced but he won't make you feel bad it. Although he finds it funny when he sees you walking away from people who attempt to interact with you. Just don't fully ignore him. <3

AHHHH I'M SO SORRY THIS WAS SO SHORT

[xxladyballadxx]

Open Your Heart

Joshua Rosfield x Reader

Summary: Your lover Joshua Rosfield, the dominant of Phoenix, urges you to open up to him instead of always pushing him away. 

(Note: This is quite similar to the one I wrote ages ago)

~ dividers by @/cafekitsune ~

You were never the type to talk about your feelings to anyone, even Joshua. He has been very concerned about your wellbeing. So is everyone at the hideaway. The other day, Jill knew something was wrong with you and she wanted to comfort you. You pushed her away and gave her the cold shoulder. Which made her upset and more worried. 

Next was Clive coming to try and talk to you, he even summoned you to his chambers wishing to speak to you in private. He said to you once that if you ever feel sad or angry, you can always talk to him or Jill. You did none of that. None. You continued to behave like this and not to talk to anyone about how you’re feeling. 

Clive didn’t have the urge to stop you from leaving his chambers so he just sat there, not knowing what to do. When Joshua came back from his journey, Clive had a word with him talking about you. 

Joshua told his older brother that you have been avoiding him quite a lot these past few days, he wondered why and Clive wasn’t really happy about it. He didn’t appreciate your behavior towards his own younger brother, even to Jill. Joshua promised Clive that he will talk to you. He rushed to your room and beat your door with a knock, “(Y/n)? Are you in there?” 

“Please go away…” You mumbled, urging him to leave you alone. You know Joshua, he’s not going to leave until you tell him what’s wrong. Joshua sighed, having no choice but to open the door and slammed it in anger behind him, “Do you truly mean to hurt me this way, (Y/n)? By pushing me away and not talking to me about the things that are bothering you? ” 

“Joshua, I-” Your words were cut off when Joshua marched closer to you, dropping on one knee and holding your hand, “Please do not continue to hurt me like this, (Y/n). I don’t want you to keep pushing me away…” his gaze was too sad to look at. Even though you couldn’t look away from him. By the tone of his voice, you could tell that he was hurting. Hurting for you. He sat by you on your bed, still holding your hand, “Open your heart to me, (Y/n), don’t keep it shut forever…” 

You heaved a long-short sigh of defeat, finally making eye contact with Joshua by your side. Perhaps you were too aloof towards him, to Clive and everyone. This helped you to realize that you’ve been shutting yourself away from people that care about you, even Joshua….

You buried your face sorrowfully into your hands, breaking down in tears as Joshua held you in his arms, “I’m so sorry…” you mumbled a apology in a low voice, “I’m just so fucking tired…” You looked up to Joshua in the eye with that crying face, “All this bloodshed, the war, everything. I don’t even know where to start. Ever since my family abandoned me of what I’ve become so long ago, I’ve been feeling so isolated and lost. Every night, I get nightmares of everyone I know leaving me… ”

Joshua felt a sting of pain deep in his heart, he hates to see you like this so much that it saddens him whenever you feel like the whole world is falling all around you. Tearing you apart piece by piece, bone by bone. “I wonder if I deserve to live or not. I asked myself that every day. I even wonder if people will care if I’m gone…” your words were deeper than a sword, it became a poison to Joshua. It wounded him mentally and physically, his heart shattered when you said those things. You were being very hard on yourself and Joshua is hurting because of those words that upset up entirely. 

“(Y/n), please don’t say those things like that. You know how much it hurts me!” Joshua cried with his voice breaking, his eyes were becoming watery but you couldn’t tell if he wanted to cry or not, “I would never truly be myself if you were gone.” He tightened the hold on your hand, his gaze locked on you, “I will never forgive myself if anything happens to you. Without you, (Y/n), I am empty. My life won’t be the same without you.” 

Does he actually mean that? 

Of course he does…

Your heart cried out after hearing those words from him, the little cracks on your heart were slowly beginning to fade. Your eyes created a stream of tears, sliding down to your pale-salted cheeks. 

Joshua snooped you into his arms, your head attached to his chest as he embraced you tenderly. “You are my greatest gift to me, (Y/n) and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Never forget you will always have me…and the others too.” 

“I’m so sorry, Joshua…” you whimpered, your crying face still buried on his chest. 

“It’s alright, my love.” 

“I need to go and apologize to Clive and Jill for my unacceptable behavior….” 

“I will come with you, love.” 

~~~~~~~~

You gave a few knocks on Clive’s door, you have this feeling that he’s going to open with that scowling look on his face. Once the door was opened by him, no sense of anger came from him “(Y/n)..” Clive looked at you with worry, he didn’t seem angry. 

“Clive I’m-” you were interrupted when Jill rushed past Clive to hug you in comfort, “(Y/n)! We were so worried about you!” you returned the hug as you apologized, “I’m sorry for the other day, I didn’t mean to upset you both. Same with Joshua and everyone else here. It was never intentional…”

Clive smiled serenely, “What matters now is that you're feeling better, (Y/n). Remember that you are never alone.” 

“All is forgiven, (Y/n).” Says Jill with a reassuring soft smile, “We will always look out for you. Just know that we support you all the way. If you ever need someone to talk to, me and Clive will be here to listen.” 

You hugged Jill once again and then next was Clive, “Thank you…I can’t tell how much this means to me..” 

All was sorted out to the end, you thought Clive would be mad for you hurting Jill’s feelings. He wasn’t at all. He accepted your apology as he and Jill comforted you. It seemed that Clive didn’t want to upset you more by being angry with you, that could be the reason why. 

Joshua dragged you to the balcony to watch the horizon with him. You motioned your body to cuddle up next to his, holding his arm with such tenderness. He smiled gracefully down to you, pecking a kiss on your forehead and looked back to the scenery with the sun’s bliss of radiant glow flowing across the horizon. 

“It’s beautiful…” 

“Yes but…” Joshua turned to you as he pressed down his hands softly onto your shoulders, leaning to collide his lips towards yours, “Not as beautiful as you are, my love.”

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

a/n - Is it just me or are there not enough fanfics of Joshua Rosfield fanfics on here? (ㅠ﹏ㅠ)

Anyways, hope you all liked this!

UNTIL NEXT TIME 𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

[thatfilthyanimal]

tw: stalking, grooming, pedophilia, sexual abuse, past suicidal thoughts

I've recently been made aware that Dupsy is still talking about me and is now going to random Megamind fans that don't know me and telling them to avoid me. I'm also aware that they're doing this in the Ruby Gillman fandom. I have no words to really describe the level of discomfort this brings me, but I will attempt.

First of all, all the "grooming" allegations were thoroughly debunked and proven to be bullshit. I can't believe I have to even say this. I'm a victim of grooming and sexual abuse myself. It's extremely traumatic and life-altering shit, and never something I would want to inflict on someone else. I feel like it should be obvious, with the measures I took in the server to ensure no child is exposed to such things. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD due to the shit that happened to me when I was growing up, and between processing that in therapy sessions and stomaching transitioning in a near-constant hostile-to-trans-people online social media hellscape, I am tired.

I love Megamind, more than anything, and this is known and obvious to anyone who's met me. This movie saved my life when I was extremely suicidal and planning to end my life back in 2010. Watching the movie when I did gave me something to focus on, a distraction, and a responsibility as a fandom member that helped distract me long enough to get out of the planning mindset I was in. Had I not seen the movie, I do not think I would have stuck around. I will leave it at that.

And moderating fandom spaces for Megamind has been lovely! I adore this fandom. The people in it are extremely talented and sweet, and just so damn nice, like by default. I say this all the time but I've never experienced another fandom space quite like it. There are usually bad eggs in fandoms, and perhaps -I- am said "bad egg" to some, but genuinely this one is special. I have always felt that way, even when the bad eggs show up and make a stink. It has always felt worth being here for, to me.

And while I hate to give Dupsy the satisfaction of knowing they hurt me, I need to be honest-- it's been rough. I stopped talking in my server, I locked up on most of my friends and stopped talking even in DMs. I still struggle with severe anxiety in the server and have talked to Dal on various occasions about transferring the server ownership to him. He's been very patient with my freakouts and super understanding, but it's still hard. This WAS a place I felt safe, for over ten years! And now it feels like any minor can just say I'm a groomer or a pedo or whatever with ZERO consequences, just because they're mad, just because these are words that make people go "oh shit" and listen, and man! It's not ok! And this coupled with the fact that trans people are often called groomers just for existing, just… man! I'm tired. I'm so tired.

There are real, severe, damaging effects to these claims being thrown around so casually. It's hurtful to me, as a victim of sexual abuse, because when I came forward to people about what happened when -I- was a minor, I was told I "wanted it" and "asked for it". It was made to be my fault that I was abused, and I internalized it for years. It nearly killed me. I cannot stress enough how important it is to not use claims like pedophilia and grooming so lightly-- these are VERY damning terms to use on people and should be reserved for people ACTUALLY HARMING OTHERS. Being mad I banned you from the server is not "abuse" and using my Customer Service Voice to be nice to you and then being obviously tired of you when you were banned is not "emotional grooming". What the actual fuck. ALSO. This was well over a year ago! Why am I still having to post about this? Why are you still TALKING about me? And yet again I ask, where the HELL are your parents?

Anyway, if you've been wondering why I've been so quiet these days and struggling to socialize… honestly? It's this. I hate that this is what did it. I know people trust and believe me, I know the fandom backs me up regularly and I appreciate them all so much for it. I see it, but I never know how to respond. You guys continue to make this fandom feel safe for me even when my entire brain is screaming to run, and I appreciate you so much for it.

Kids deserve to be trusted when they tell people they've been hurt and I hate that the recent proshipping discourse or whatever you want to call it, this culty all-or-nothing shit, has a bunch of minors growing up feeling like EVERYTHING is something to call rapey or predatory, with apparently little room to distinguish when REAL abuse is happening to them. I don't blame anyone for believing Dupsy, and it's honestly better they DO believe all unproven claims of abuse by default, just to stay safe-- but man, it has consequences that follow people, and really should not be a thing to just throw around because you're mad at someone. I just can't believe they're STILL going around and reaching out to strangers telling them to avoid me… like, what the fuck.

I will be ok, I always am eventually, but I needed to say something, because it's honestly been a while since I've said much of anything.

Keep being kind. <3