#and it's not like our mental or physical disorders are our faults but it's now our responsibility whether we like it or not

[crowpunkcognitivedecline]

welcome to the fucked up spine blog!!!

hey! i'm crow&, and this is my blog for specifically talking about my spinal cord injury (atlantoaxial instability/AAI) and the way it's disabled me and impacted my functioning.

my blog is by and for people with neurological disabilities, neurocognitive decline/disabilities, and spinal cord/brain injuries. people with intellectual disability are also welcome in this space. details & reasoning are under the cut.

if you want a blog that allows a wider variety of people to participate, you can go to my general blog @crowpunkco.

i've been a cripple & activist for at least 4-5 years now, primarily disabled by hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and related dysautonomias, but my AAI became debilitating about a year ago. this is a space for me to talk about my experience with it.

people with the following can interact:

neurological disabilities includes disabilities and injuries of the physical brain (not psychology or development), spine, and nerves. it includes brain injuries, spinal cord injuries, epilepsy, chronic migraine, and similar. it does not include neurodevelopmental disorders like autism and ADHD, and it does not include mental illnesses. not all neurological disorders are neurological disabilities. (it's not my fault the terms are similar)

neurocognitive disorders/disabilities includes cognitive decline and impairment caused by physical conditions. this includes mild cognitive impairment (the disorder), dementia, chronic delirium, and traumatic brain injury.

spinal cord/brain injuries includes what it says on the tin. nontraumatic spinal cord injuries as well as severe CCI and AAI are included because... well, obviously, that's what i have.

intellectual disability is one disorder/disability/diagnosis. it doesn't include learning disabilities/difficulties. i don't have this, but i trust people with ID, and my NCD is much closer to ID than anything else

anyone else can follow if they like, but are absolutely not welcome to reply or add commentary unless explicitly asked for.

but why?

this is an extremely hard thing for me to talk about, and it's basically impossible for people with these disabilities to talk about our experience without someone derailing it--usually people with disabilities that do not impair their functioning to nearly the same degree who minimize whatever we're trying to talk about. it's exhausting and i just don't have the energy for it.

tags

TBA

[philsmeatylegss]

Honestly I can’t keep quiet at this point. This generation and tiktok mostly made autism a fucking quirky trend and it makes me want to slam my head in a wall. I genuinely believe 70% of people online who claim to be autistic are not or either are confusing it with another disorder (on tiktok it’s 95% I’m not remotely exaggerating). iT’s A sPeCtRuM NO SHIT DUMBASS. I fucking grew up with an autistic sibling and I was constantly in other places with autistic kids who were higher and lower on the fucking spectrum. But none of them act remotely like the fuckers on #actuallyautistic on fucking TikTok. Controversial opinion I completely stand behind is that self diagnosis isn’t reliable expect for a few conditions. By that, I mean conditions that have clear cut symptoms. You’re always anxious about everything, you probably do have anxiety. But when it comes to Autism, that’s such a fucking complex disorder that even a lot of doctors don’t fully understand. 100% agree that many women, POC, and those who grew up poor couldn’t get a diagnosis and got it later in life. As I said, I was constantly around autistic kids and most were white men. It’s an absolute mockery and disgrace to those online and in real life who actually suffer with Autism. Including people on the high end of the spectrum! Most of these people say they’re autistic and then list the symptoms of anxiety. It’s not a fucking quirky trait or an excuse. It’s not fucking trendy.

And I can’t say anything like this on platforms like tiktok or id be ripped to shreds. People who have little to no real life experiences or knowledge about Autism attacking someone who was always so close to autism that it fucked me up (I know it’s not my sibling’s fault before you yell at me). I’m fucking tired of it. I’m so fucking tired

Very recently the term “glass child” came out which describes siblings of a child with a physical and or mental disability and or a chronic/life threatening illness. The term comes from the fact that a constant feature of being a glass child is being seen through, forgotten, our voices ignored. And when we, people who have had close years of interactions with these disorders try to explain to you why you might be wrong and you just fucking shut them down, you’re just as bad as the people who ignored me when I was growing up.

It happens on here to. Definitely not as often and definitely not as obvious. But I fucking hate that it’s become a fucking trend on here. Yes, I know it’s a way for those with autism to cope, but a lot of people reblogging it are neurotypical. I’m glad it’s a way to cope, but autism isn’t a fucking funny punchline. It is half of the reason I’m fucked up (once again, I don’t blame my sibling).

Remember in 2020 on mostly tiktok and other face showing platforms being LGBTQ+ was a trend and now people say “I’m glad I’m over that phase?” The same fucking thing is happening now with autism. And what’s worse is that it undermines the credibility of those who are actually suffering with autism. I can promise you in the next few years, there will be tons of posts like “remember when I thought I was autistic? Lol worst period of my life, so cringe.” And then it’ll fall back into obscurity once it stops being a trend and when people forget about pretending to be autistic and no one will give a fuck. It happened with fangirl culture. With being LGBTQ+. Only this is more important and not a fucking trend

Idk if I’ll get hate for this or delete it, but I can’t handle it anymore. This really mostly applies to tiktok, but this happens on every single platform. And it genuinely upsets me and I can’t even point out this problem. For fucking once in my life, LISTEN TO ME. I’ve been there. I was there the whole fucking time. I spent my entire childhood dealing with autism and severe mental illness from my parents. I went to so many doctors with him. I couldn’t chose where I wanted my birthday or celebrations about me because it wouldn’t be good for my sibling. Pictures, lines, family trip were filled with screaming. Leaving events early because my sibling couldn’t handle it. Sitting and waiting for him to stop having a tantrum in my room and having fucking no one ask if I was okay. Having none of my emotional needs met do to Autism and other present mental illnesses from my parents. I KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS LIKE. I SPENT EVERY FUCKING DAY SINCE I WAS BORN TILL I WAS 18 RIGHT NEXT TO AUTISM. I DIDN’T GET A BREAK. I WON’T BE ABLE TO LAUGH IN A FEW YEARS BECAUSE I CLAIMED TO BE AUTISTIC. I’M NOT SURE MY BROTHER WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE ON HIS OWN AND HE’L HAVE TO FUCKING LIVE WITH ME. THAT’S THE FUCKING REALITY. THAT’S WHAT AUTISM IS. IT’S NOT BEING AWKWARD AND SOMETIMES OVERWHELMED BY OBJECTS OR SOUNDS. I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT BECAUSE I WAS THERE. I HAVE 18 FUCKING YEARS OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT AUTISM IS. I’VE BEEN AROUND MANY OTHER AUTISTIC PEOPLE WHEN MY BROTHER NEEDED SERVICES FROM AUTISTIC ONLY PLACES. I COULDN’T FUCKING YAWN FOR YEARS WITHOUT BEING SCREAMED AT. FUCKING YAWNING. AND THEN I WAS ASKED TO STOP YAWNING! THAT IS AUTISM.

My mom works with teens and young adults who are close to the bottom of the spectrum. These children will never be able to have a life. A lot of them don’t talk. Or they only scream or say random words. Some do repetitive actions, often ones that cause injuries. Bigger male student have to be restrained by two or three men because they will not stop hitting themself of breaking property and are unable to stop. That’s what it’s like. At most, Walmart has a program for special needs adults to be baggers. Once they graduate, they live with their parents and then their siblings. Or they go to care home that specializes in autism. We’re fortunate that if it were to come to that case, we would be able to afford a nice one. But most parents or siblings of autistic children don’t have the money to send them to caring facilities. That’s the reality. That’s what you’re claiming to have the same diagnosis as (I KNOW ITS A SPECTRUM). I pity the real autistic people and glass children on platforms on tiktok or really any platform that are having the severity of their illness become a fucking trend.

I’ll probably delete this. But I’m just so fucking upset about it and I’m not fucking allowed to point it out. I wasn’t listened to my entire childhood because of a condition you’re claiming to have. Just for fucking once listen to me

[zexoula]

what a touching read. to feel validated in the intensity of my feelings as someone suffering an emotional disorder. every sentence resonated.

marsha linehan is a psychologist credited with developing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which ive been told throughout my entire hospital stay by many drs i would greatly benefit from. every time i seek treatment, the acronym ‘dbt’ is always recommended to me over other courses of therapy and reading words from the woman herself, i can see why. this specific approach realizes and adjusts to the fact that bpd emotions are extreme emotions, and that the feelings and thoughts that we cannot control having are just that - out of our control. dbt focuses on what can be in our control in order to cope with intense splits, such as remaining focused on your present surroundings and recounting the facts.

this is my first time reading of the ‘burn analogy’ and at first i felt it was wrong comparing my emotional traumas to the physical suffering of someone with a very real, painful condition and then i thought more to myself and i was like.. no, just because my pain is not visible, because people cannot look at me and tell instantly i am in a great deal of pain - it doesn’t mean my pain isn’t real and my suffering isn’t comparable. it is. the sensitive layer of skin that has been burned and is now extremely fragile & sensitive is entirely comparable to the fragility of my mental state and strength of my emotions vs triggers and episodes. no matter what , i will always be sensitive and my mind won’t always be rational. and i can feel like it’s my fault as much as the disorder wants, but it’s just.. not..

what is my fault is how i go forward knowing what my triggers are and how i react to them. what is up to me is how i get myself through intense episodes and learn how to not feel like my world is falling apart, thrusting me back into the depths of depression from the constant reminders of the emotional stability i lack. if i split and i implode and i feel and think and say these terrible and intense things, i can still apply techniques taught in dbt to recenter myself in reality instead of letting my spiral continue.

it’s important you go with a therapeutic method where you can firmly stand by what the developer’s goal is. my goal is not to NOT be emotionally unstable, it’s unrealistic and frankly unachievable as the period of my life meant for developing emotional maturity has already been tainted. the goal is to not let that instability ruin other aspects of my life, to remind myself that no matter what evil and negative things i feel inside - i am loved and im part of peoples lives and i deserve to not feel like i am a bad person for never being taught how to handle these traumas. it’s not too late to start learning

[youreignhere]

Mental Health & The Lack of Mental Health Care in the K-Pop Industry

The K-Pop Industry has helped brought forward the Greatest Performers, Dancers, Singers and Groups to this day. The industry is a Billion Dollar powerhouse for South Korea and has boosted the Nation’s connection to the World.

K-pop has played a huge role in Korea’s Tourism boost, the rising love for Korean Dramas and Movies being appreciated by International fans. With the growth of Korean Media, for example Youtube Videos by Korean Content Creators are being viewed by Foreign viewers, all of this contributing to the overall Economy of South Korea. While K-pop has only been around since the early 1990s, over 30 years old and it has changed the entire Music Industry for the better.

While K-Pop may have many great things, there are also a lot of dark sides within the K-Pop Industry as a whole. Today, we’ve decided to write a semi-well-researched rant about some things that we have a problem within the K-Pop Industry. Starting with the Overworking Crisis and the Lack of Mental Health Care in the K-Pop Industry.

Before we begin, feel free to like the blog and lease note, if you want to support or request a Blog Topic, please follow me here and Message us on Twitter. We will link all the sources used within the blog and in a Google Doc visible for all.

This Blog is also supported by affiliates as we’re not in a country that allows Stripe Pay, so Medium can’t support us. We are grateful for any comments, likes and shares even if you can’t support us financially.

Bare in mind, this post contains references to Suicide, Depression, and other Mental Health Disorders with references to Trauma. We will do our best to pay respect to the Names mentioned. May they all Rest in Power. Please continue with caution if this may trigger you in any way. After all, your mental health also matters and I will not fault you for finding something more comfortable to read.

Now, if you are still with me, let’s get into the nitty gritty.

Chapter One: Toxic Productivity in the K-Pop Industry

Before we delve into Mental Health, I would like to start with Toxic Productivity, or in simpler terms, Overworking. From what we have witnessed online and sometimes in person, Idols just collapsing after a performance or when the lights go down. They are so tired that they can barely stay standing or walk off a stage.

But what exactly is Overworking or in other words Toxic Productivity? And how has this become the norm in both Western & Asian Culture, specifically the K-Pop Industry?

Better Up dot com says that “Toxic productivity describes the drive to produce while neglecting other important aspects of our lives. We value productivity over everything else, like rest or quality time with loved ones.”

This has become Hustle Culture or that “Grind” Mindset that many on social media push to their audiences. While there is nothing wrong with working hard, working to the point of exhaustion, to the point where you forget or disregard your own needs or those that rely on you, is Toxic and even Physically Harmful.

Companies and even the media have pushed that “Grind” mindset for years but fortunately Millenials and Gen Z have picked up on the bullshit and many are fighting against the system or simply disregarding that system by refusing to work countless hours for barely minimum wage. But the sad fact is that companies don’t care that the Hustle mindset is Toxic or unhealthy, they only care about the revenue they can bring in the more their employees work and as you can tell, even the K-Pop Industry and Korea as a whole has companies like this.

Better Up goes on to state, “Productivity equals revenue, so companies want employees to value it as much as they do. This frame of mind is considered toxic because it’s culturally contagious. The more a society promotes overworking as valuable, the harder people work. And it can also have negative consequences like burnout and poorer relationships.”

Companies that encourage overworking have a special space in Hell. I am sure most of you guys reading think the same and feel the pain when your Fave rapper, singer, dancer or group is tired and obviously working too much. Especially after learning just how much Overworking or Toxic Productivity can Physically affect a person. Overworking of course leads to burning out- which let me tell you guys, is so horrible- but it is also proven to lead to adverse health problems, neck chest and back pains and even stroke to name just a few. Just take a look at this 2016 article reporting on some Idols who suffered the effects of Overworking.

At this point, I don’t even care if they have to put out that reality series or work on a new song. I’d much prefer if they took a week off, no actually. I want them to take an entire month off. I just want them to visit family, relax, don’t touch a lick of music or choreography. Have the free time to catch up on trends and just sleep. God, some of them just need to sleep for a month, shaking my head.

Sometimes, this isn’t the companies’ fault and more so the Idol/s pushing themselves too much, mentally and physically, all for the sake of their loving fans. Due to Korea and many times, Black & Asian, even Western Culture pushing this “Hard & Long Work Hours guarantees Success mentality”, ignoring the fact that Suicide has become rampant due to the pressure on many Teens or Young Adults in or out of the K-Pop Industry. With the stress to perform well academically starting at the young age of 10, it has been ingrained into many, in or out of the K-Pop Industry.

However, as we know, Overworking does more harm than good and I wish I could just grab certain Idols and just shake them until they see sense. I know at the end of the day, many of them choose the life of an Idol and are adults who can make decisions for themselves. I just don’t agree with some of their choices (that’s pretty fair too, not like they are going to care about what some stranger on a blog says lol).

If you have any experience with Toxic Productivity, please let me know in the comments, I would love to see everyone’s thoughts on this as a whole, because we pretty much see it everyday in our normal lives as well.

But before we head into the next chapter, I would like to take a moment to help you save money on the latest in K-Pop Merch. Please bear with me, as this Blog topic is going to get a bit deeper as we dive into Mental Health and I would like to make this a quick break as well as an opportunity for you, the reader.

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Chapter Two: Mental Health & Mental Health Care in the K-Pop Industry.

Let’s start with, What is Mental Health?

This is taken from our past blog, Everyone has Mental Health; The World Health Organization states, “Mental Health is an essential component in overall Health, as Mental Health decides our emotional, physical and social well-being. This can affect any person’s contribution to their environment and overall life.”

To put it in layman’s terms, Mental Health helps how we handle stress or anxiety, relate to others and topics, and determine our choices or behavior in life. The World Health Organization, or WHO continues to state that, “Mental Health is key at all stages of Life.”

Just like Physical Health, Mental Health is equally important for every person. However, it has been pushed aside in the media, education, and by society as a whole. Mental Health is never brought up when it can decrease your overall health just as much as diabetes or a stroke.

Just like you have Physical Health, everyone has Mental Health. Please feel free to read more about what is Mental Health on our Everyone has Mental Health Blog Here.

Mental Illness or Mental Health Disorders (they can be referred to as both) are classified as a or many significant disturbances in a person’s cognitive, emotional, and even physical behavior. As of a 2019 study from the World Health Organization, 1 in every 8 people globally is affected by Mental Illness. Making that an estimate of almost 1 Billion people worldwide (as of 2021) are directly affected by Mental Health in one way or the other.

Anxiety and Depression are the most common for Entrepreneurs and in this case Musicians or Idols. You can read more about the link to Mental Health Disorders and how it connects to Entrepreneurs from our blog post here. Toxic Productivity and Overworking also connects to Mental Health Disorders, as overworking is known to harm your physical and mental well being. Sadly, many Idols show symptoms of these and other Mental Illnesses and unfortunately, there are many times where no amount of fame or money can help ease that pain.

Remember, K-Pop Idols are many times put on harsh diets, told to look and act a certain way or their real personalities would not be liked. They are constantly put in the spotlight and have to conform to rigorous schedules, while many of them deal with Anxiety, Depression and low self-esteem or Self Hatred. Not to mention the mental pressure that Society and many fans place on them to be “perfect”.

With the fact that many K-pop Companies rarely care that much about Mental Health, much less their Idols’ mental health, not taking into consideration just how much toxic productivity, anxiety and depression can physically affect a human being. Causing them to spiral and fester for sometimes years, in absolute silence. Until they feel absolutely alone, even when surrounded by loving fans and a family like group. Suicide, seemed to be a last and, sadly many times, most pleasing option of a way out of the Industry and pain.

Considering how many Idols we have lost just in the past decade due to the lack of Mental Health Care and Mental Health Awareness in the K-Pop Industry. We may not have been able to save them all, but if at least one or few had the ability to get the professional help they deserved, then we may still have many of our loved ones with us. Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers, would not have to mourn and Fans would not have to grieve.

Psychology and Psychiatry Professor, Lim Myung-Ho said, “For a long time, celebrities have mostly avoided meeting a psychiatrist or a psychological counselor as they were afraid that their health condition would somehow tarnish their image,”

We have lost brilliant and beautiful Lights, due to the fear that society has put on these human beings, as well as the lack of understanding for Mental Health or the resources to give Idols the help they deserve as human beings.

Thankfully, since the last decade, there’s been a rise in Mental Health Awareness in the K-Pop Industry and Korea as a whole. Many Idols or Musicians in the Industry, like Solo Star, AleXa and Lim Jaebeom, the Leader of Got7, have opened up about his Struggle with Depression and Mental Health. Groups like BTS, Stray Kids and Ateez are known for making music that addresses mental health struggles and societal pressures.

Personally, I think it’s time that K-Pop Companies implement Mental Health days for K-Pop Idols, as well as have some professionals within the company have weekly to monthly mandatory mental health sessions with whoever needs or wants counseling and help. Just like if an Idol was Physically sick and had to go on hiatus, then an Idol should be able to take Mental Health Days for their emotional and mental, as well as overall physical well being.

Professor Lim also thinks that there are easier ways, as in Online Counseling, especially considering how fast paced most Idol’s lives can be, it would make sense to have Online Counselors if Idols simply need to distress or vent on the go.

Cho Jung-Hwa, a Life Coach at Starship Entertainment, home of Monsta X, said in a telephone interview, “K-pop singers have managers, hair designers and makeup artists, but they often do not have any experts to resort to when they feel emotionally taxed,” she said. “If they can get some direct help from a mental health trainer or professional, they would feel much better.”

She made some good points and I would like to stress that for the Idols or Trainees, it should be a safe and open discussion so that they can feel less isolated and have less to carry on their shoulders.

There has been progress, for example, KQ Entertainment allowed Song Mingi, Main Rapper and Co-Writer for Ateez, time off for his Mental Health due to Psychological Anxiety, from late 2020 to 2021 (a total of 8 months). While KQ is still a Family like and small Entertainment Company (that is still flawed), I would like to see this more, from Companies like JYP, Starship, Cube Entertainment and even Hybe.

“Celebrities are generally more impressionable than non-celebrities,” Lim Myung- Ho said. “They often take the brunt of the emotional labor too, because they frequently conceal their genuine emotions in front of the public. In the short run, having a regular mental health check-up may seem unnecessary, but in the long run, it will help the K-pop companies’ financial success by ensuring the mental stability of their stars.”

I would like to mention that SHINEE’s Jonghyun has a foundation in his Memory, created by his mother, that aims to help Idols and Trainees with their Mental Health. I highly suggest checking it out here and seeing how you can support them or even visit if you are going to Korea or in Korea. I have to admit, that is one strong and amazing woman, to take her loss and try and make some changes in the Industry for other Idols and trainees. I wish her the best and all my love to the Shawols reading this.

You can probably tell by now, there’s still a long way to go, but I am glad to see some progress at least. I sincerely hope that those gone too soon are finally resting easy, seeing the growth and recognition that K-Pop has achieved and knowing that their art, their music will live on in the hearts of K-Pop fans worldwide. I just wish that it didn’t have to take, the passing of many amazing beings or the abuse of Idols, as well as countless backlash from fans, for it to finally start to have changes within the Industry.

Chapter Three: What can we do as Fans?

Kpop fans hold a lot of power; We can literally make or break an Idol’s or Groups career. I would honestly prefer to use that power for advocacy.

You have the power to raise awareness for these topics in the K-Pop Industry. Your favorite Idol is overworking and the rest of the group is tired but they continue to put out that reality show. Start a hashtag, bring up the topic to other fans or members of the community. Discuss it in groups and forums.

Remember Toxic Productivity does more harm than good so remind Idols that they are human too and not just a form of entertainment to us. Raise Awareness in respectful ways like starting a Twitter account and sharing your ideas or events with like minded individuals. Check out the Shiny Foundation, in honor of the late Jonghyun from SHINEE. Do your research and advocate for Mental Health Days or Mental Health care as a whole for Korea and Kpop Idols.

Raise Awareness in respectful ways like starting a Twitter account and sharing your ideas or events with like minded individuals. Do your research and advocate for Mental Health Days or Mental Health care as a whole for Korea and K-pop Idols. Support Idol from Companies like KQ or Starship Entertainment, that allow their Idols the time & resources needed to mend their mental state.

Highlight Speakers on the topic of Mental Health in Kpop, like BTS, Jay B and recently Beomhan the Ex-F M Trainee that Spoke up on his own Mental Health Struggles.

Show support to content creators that touch on topics like this. Follow and share their content to bring more eyes on the issues. Share this blog with your friends and fellow fans to help bring more eyes and start discussions. Try making your own content, be it blogs on Tumblr, Tweets on Twitter (yes I am still gonna call it twitter) and Videos on Tik Tok or Youtube to bring more awareness on these less spoken about necessities in the industry.

If you get a chance to meet your Idols at fan meets or on a fan call, quickly speak to them about your own experiences with mental health, how they helped inspire you. Let your fave Idols know that they are not alone. That they and their feelings do matter.

So, what do you think? Should K-pop Idols and Trainees be allowed Mental Health Days and have access to mental health care? Did anything else I mentioned stand out to you, tell me what in the comments.

That was probably a lot, but this will be separated into more parts because I would like to talk about homophobia, racism, abuse and other issues in the K-Pop Industry soon!

If you like how this sounds so far, please feel free to check out my blog on Medium or Tumblr and follow for more. If you’d like to get more information on Mental Health you can read my post here.

That’s all for now, I will see when I see you. Remember, you can always, Reign Here.

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[chocolatepot]

Some disjointed thoughts on diagnosing fictional characters (particularly with autism) ...

So it's generally understood that you can't diagnose fictional characters or historical figures with any disorders or diseases, physical or mental. You don't have access to all the details. You can't run the kinds of tests you need to run. Fictional characters in particular may not have a coherent set of symptoms at all - they're not real people.

(This got long, so it's under a cut.)

However, the thing that has me thinking is that autism and ADHD are ... collections of traits. There is not an autism chemical in the brain that you can check for to see if a living person is autistic (or an ADHD switch) - psychologists observe children and talk to adults to figure out if they have enough of the traits in the bundle to be considered autistic(/ADHD). And that is mainly for the purpose of determining if they qualify for assistance of some kind, not to make an absolute proclamation. There are certain issues that will get them to that conclusion faster because they more clearly require that assistance, like being non-verbal, but that doesn't make those traits more or less essential to the condition itself.

And the fact is that a lot of the traits are generally considered part of normative human personalities. Probably everyone diagnosed as an adult has spent a lot of time considering themselves insensitive, stupid, careless, forgetful, messy, selfish, etc. Being able to pin these negative traits to a diagnosis often helps people stop castigating themselves because now they don't have to blame themselves for these things - it's not my fault, I don't forget to do my homework/misunderstand what people are saying to me/etc. because I'm a bad person on a moral level, it's because of the way my brain is.

I feel like a lot of the hullabaloo over self-diagnosis comes down to the idea that people with negative personality traits are trying to wriggle out of being held culpable for them. You see it from both sides. I am constantly forgetting things because there is something wrong with my brain that prevents me from retaining that information OR I only forget things when I'm deliberately not paying attention: you need to stop claiming that there is something preventing you from retaining information and accept that you are careless and choose to forget stuff. It only counts when you spend $1000 on a psychological evaluation and basically list the symptoms you found in the much-derided social media posts and have a doctor confirm that yes, those are all signs of ASD/ADHD and yes, you do seem to be describing incidents where you displayed them. (And also talks to your mother with you and the whole thing is incredibly embarrassing and your insurance decides they just aren't gonna pay for it!) But do we actually need to parse out who's "allowed" to be forgetful, or to have any other traits that can be seen as symptoms of neurodivergence? Isn't it possible that we are all at the mercy of our brains' mechanics to some extent? Again, there's no autism chemical that makes a diagnosed autistic person's natural bluntness more "not their fault" than the natural bluntness of someone not diagnosed.

Or, to bring it back to fictional character diagnoses, which is where this actually started, this turns into the idea that fans are trying to help the character get away with something by imposing a diagnosis on them, often with a side accusation that people are just projecting their own disorders onto characters they like (which in fairness we ND folk do joke about doing). But the thing is, if you've been dealing with your neurodivergence your whole life, you have quite a lot of expertise in what it looks like, and again, all psychologists do to diagnose ASD or ADHD is observe and compare what a patient does and says to what they know about how ASD/ADHD present ... which is what fans do when they watch a show or movie or read a book and come to the conclusion that a character is ND.

This feels unfinished but I can tell I have a headache coming on and besides, my lunch break is ending, so toodle-oo.

[plural-affirmations]

Kind of a weird system + disability question, I hope it's okay to ask

We're doing volunteer work for a local event and right now our job is making these little pocket brochures of info about some of the policies attendees should know about. We've never done this kind of formatting before so we need to learn how to get it all set up on the first place, size it correctly, and format it so it'll look right when folded up, then actually write everything up in a cohesive way that fits on it all.

We're also going through a really bad period of DPDR and we're dissociating a lot more often. Winter is a bad trauma time for us so it's not unexpected but it's making getting everything done feel like trying to run through mud. We're managing, we knew it would take some time and we're trying not to force things when our brain starts to shut down.

My problem is mostly coming with tracking my hours working on it all? Any time we spend working on this or teaching ourselves how to do it or anything count as work hours, and we're supposed to track them as we go. The more hours you work before the event the more rewards you can earn, mostly they're food vouchers, so six hours of work is worth a $35 or so coupon to the restaurant of the hotel the event is at.

But I feel like we're being deceitful somehow by tracking our hours literally when our focused hours are probably a lot less? We're getting a lot less work done in an hour of time than someone who doesn't have a dissociative disorder would. And we're struggling with a lot of kinda.. "I produce less than a neurotypical person so I should be compensated at a lower rate" kind of thinking?

I know it's probably not a healthy mindset, and I know enough that I would never apply that thinking to anyone else - like, I've bought art commissions from other disabled folks knowing I'd be paying extra because it takes them longer to do something than an able person - but for some reason my brain is stuck on like... "Well it's not a physical disability that's stopping me, it's just my crappy concentration, it's not anyone else's fault that our brain is made of soup"? It feels like actually admitting how long some of this stuff is taking us is somehow defrauding the folks we're working with or like, maliciously dragging our feet just to get more reward perks?

I'm not even sure if I'm looking for advice or to vent or what with this, I just kinda needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for letting us get it out

- 🎶 System

Hey, no worries, disability stuff is right up our alley actually (we are bodily physically + mentally disabled).

Also, quick note, this is Jax writing right now instead of Phoenix, hope that's ok!

I guess my best advice would be to treat yourself the way you would anyone else. You're obviously struggling with dissociation and the like, so give yourself some grace. You're trying your best.

Second, I don't think you're taking advantage of anything. If you're worried you're exploiting the system somehow, chances are you aren't. You have to actively put in the effort to do that kinda stuff, and it would be very clearly on purpose.

And also... have you thought about how many abled people drag their feet, or goof off on the clock? I'm talking in actual employed positions, Real Life Adult Jobs. They talk around the water cooler, gossip, complain about the coffee being too weak to their coworkers, etcetera. All while not clocking out. And no one bats an eye. Because it's genuinely pretty inconsequential in the grand scheme of, say, 8 hours of work. Or, for you, however many hours of work you're putting in.

Basically, I'm extremely confident you're not doing anything bad. You seem like a really honest person, and I doubt you would do something like fuckin' around at a volunteer position. Like... it's a volunteer thing! That's already doing more work for your community than the vast majority of people who live in it.

I hope this stuff makes sense, I'm not as good with words as Nix, and I've never really written a full length post here, haha. Please follow up if you want to, or send anythin' else you feel like. :)

🖤💜💙💚💛

[compassionatereminders]

Hello! I guess I'm looking for words of encouragement. I've been dealing with severe mental illness since the beginning of my teen years (13) that popped up after I got out of an abusive situation (my brain probably repressed it for our protection) and it's just..a lot I guess. I'm 20 now so I've had a lot of years, and spent my teens institutionalized inside the system and that sucked, and I'm doing better now, on small doses of meds to balance my autoimmune disorder issues and mental health meds, and I have a lot of physical health issues. I dropped out of high school and thus have no degree and I'm on disability and sometimes it just feels helpless? Like, I'm doing some self care as I can manage it, taking my meds, doing my best to maintain a stable routine, and I still get days where every thing I do feels painful and like maybe wrong choices, I still get hallucinations, I still get delusions and paranoia, I still get days where I'm severely depressed and have to fight to not to kill myself, and likely I will for the rest of my life, I know that it's not my fault I'm mentally ill, and I didn't deserve any of the abuse that formed our trauma based disorders, but it still feels stupid as fuck that I'm in this sort of situation, I never will get fully better. I'm trying so hard but sometimes it feels like my best is only keeping myself alive

I'm in a very similar situation and it is completely unfair that we are forced to continue to struggle through all of this, especially since none of it is actually our fault. So I feel you. And I'm sending all my love. And I hope that even though it's an unfair and hard battle, you'll manage to start finding and creating your own version of happy. I'm also working on that! ❤️

[thedetectivesystem]

Cicada

Gen

Summary: After Near's unusual behavior, the SPK tries to understand him.

Notes: this is a one-shot that i made a while ago for bpd awareness i had just forgotten about it until now. we have bpd and i projected onto near of what bpd splits can be like for both the person and the others around you. please note that not every experience is the same.

Kudos and comments are appreciated !

Halle had no idea what to do the first time it happened. Her boss yelled and cried at her inside headquarters with hate. After gathering her thoughts and settling her anxiety, she could only express it in her head: it was like seeing a child delude himself with whatever false scenario his mind came up with. Gevanni and Rester were stunned, almost frightened, by the interaction.

Nears' face streamed with tears; the expression was one of both rage and fear. None of them had ever heard such a booming voice from the younger man; his voice cracked while he yelled and yelled. They all kept their physical distance from him as he went on.

"It was all your fault that he’s dead!" He accused, "He’s gone because you didn’t bother telling me what he was going to do, and you stupidly sent those men after my fucking friend!" His throat choked up a sob. "Can't you just leave too?" His employees were stunned as he yelled.

Halle stood there, nervous about losing her job because of Near's emotions and how he perceived the scenario, but also overwhelmed with sympathy for the tragic child in front of her.

"Just leave!" His voice cracked: "Do what everyone else did, and fucking leave me!"

Gevanni stood up from his chair and carefully approached Near. "Near, take a deep breath." He made sure to keep a good distance so as not to overwhelm the boy. "Breathe, breathe."

Near’s body began to shake, his throat choked out sobs, and he shook his head. A sign of his usual stubbornness, but his judgment was clouded by such physically painful emotions. His body leaned slightly onto Gevanni’s.

"Near, you’re spiraling; you need to breathe." Gevanni spoke gently: "Breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, and breathe out for the same amount of time."

Halle had no idea what she had done to elicit such a reaction from Near; he had already been moody for the day, even though all she had done was try to update him on their current case. She watched as Gevanni tried to calm himself. The man had told her that he was once a psychology student, so she knew he could figure out why Near had such an outburst.

When he fully ignored Halle's existence in front of him, Near followed Gevanni's words perfectly, and a feeling of exhaustion washed over him. Gevanni wanted to ask the boy what had triggered this reaction, but he knew he should let Near rest first.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Gevanni inquired.

Near nodded. All that had once been so strong had taken its toll on him, and all that remained was fatigue. He picked up a handful of his toys off the floor and made his own way to the elevator. Gevanni appeared hesitant to let Near go on his own, but he stayed because he knew that the boy needed his alone time.

As Near left for his room, the room fell silent. Halle hadn't realized she'd dropped her cup of coffee until she sighed and looked at the floor. She knelt and picked up the cup before placing it on her desk.

"What was that about?" Rester questioned them, breaking their silence.

"A split." Gevanni's gaze remained fixed on the elevator. "Or so I believe; I'm not exactly a professional."

"A split?" Halle repeated, curious as to what he had meant.

"Yeah, it’s a term for two different types of disorders; in Near’s case, I think he should see someone for BPD," Gevanni explained. "He was displaying signs of age regression too."

Halle has heard of the word before; after all, given her line of work, it is necessary to be more than just aware of mental problems. As Gevanni talked more, she went over to the closet to get cleaning tools to clean up her coffee.

"I’m having trouble following." Rester sighed.

"BPD is a trauma disorder, and to be honest, it's not easy losing everyone you love in a murder case you were assigned to do when you were 13 years old." Gevanni sounded frustrated, although he was taking a deep breath. "All I'm saying is that it's clear that Near isn't mentally well as a result of his trauma. I'm not sure if he'll listen and find a therapist, but I'll do what I can."

"Alright," Rester said quietly. "But why did he snap at Halle?"

"She might have triggered a split by saying or doing something that he didn’t like." Gevanni shrugged. "Who knows? I’ll try asking him once he’s rested and had time to himself."

Halle finished cleaning up her mess and thoughtfully nibbled the inside of her cheek. She was aware of how horrible everything was during the Kira case, and she couldn't imagine how Near must've felt after losing so many people he cared about, people he considered his family. She had also lost a family member due to Kira, but it had never led her to feel this way, despite the fact that she was still mourning their deaths. Near simply had little to no reaction to the murders of Mello, L, and Matt. So she didn't think about it or what he must have been doing in private. She reflected extensively on Near's past, his childhood, and how he was groomed and placed in a competitive environment. When Near described his background and environment to them, all she could think of was how cult-like the institution was.

She felt selfish in certain ways, despite the fact that this was a work setting; however, this work setting was not common. The SPK watched Near grow up, and they all grew closer like family. She watched Near develop into the man he is today—a miserable man who has everything locked up. It wasn’t her responsibility to take care of him, but she viewed him as a son, and if anything became too much and something bad happened, she didn’t think that she could live with herself.

"Would it be best if I talked to him as well?" She asked.

"Yeah, once he’s able to be around you again, it’s important to help him process this and what he’s feeling," Gevanni explained as he went to sit back down at his desk.

"Okay." She nodded.

Near isn't unfamiliar with the concept of emotions or talking about them. He's done it before, but it's a rare occurrence. Halle wonders if Near feels it disturbs people to do so or if it's just a dread of letting others get close. Actually, it might be a lot of things. She stared at her computer, pondering what to say once Near felt better; all she could do at this point was understand what he was going through and put her research into it.

[rin-and-jade]

it's pop, once again.

urggggg, one of us blabbed a bit to one of our friends. I had all that under wraps, and they BLABBED GAH!

I do that stuff to protect us, because like I don't want anyone finding out about just anything. the friend was like "go get therapy, that's not good." and like the other one kept blabbing, I had said previously that I was getting some sorta help (it was true, the ai psychologist is actually a good bandaid solution for me. though literally every other moment I'm working towards my goal.) AND THEY BLABBED we weren't and just AAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

I tried to explain it away, butttttttt I just got defensive and I think I just made things worse. I know I shouldn't have been mean to the other one (idk she's kinda like L? but Not?? she's doesn't know about us, I doubt she'll remember I talked to her.) and I feel bad, but it's just not it.

I don't know if these people are safe to share that info with, I know they'll be like "we will listen" but like I don't think they are even prepared for half the things I'm gonna say. mostly the whole "oh, yeahhhh. I'm not (insert name) I'm pop. please no I'm not saying my username, that's my actual name. I'm not joking, please just understand." and they'll be confused. I doubt I can just casually drop I might have a trauma disorder, after like knowing one of my friends for like 2 years and the other a good 4 months.

but the other one has already dropped enough info for them to suspect literally anything now, and I'm just scared if they try to reach out to my parents or my siblings or something. because I cannot handle that, I just can't.

idkkkkkkkkkk, I might just come clean and see what happens?? they'll be confused and I can't grantee to myself or just the rest of us that it's going to be okay, but the bandaid is half ripped off so maybe it's time for me to pull it all the way??

idkkkkkkkkkkkk, why must these things HAPPEN. I try so hard to keep us all safe and under the radar, but I just guess that's not something that will happen. GAH, I don't blame the other one. it's not her fault she's just confused and scared, and I'm not being helpful really. it's just so far it's been okay, but I just can't if they take it badly.

idk.

tldr what do I do, I'm pretty sure one of my friends is tipped off to the fact we are a system??? aaaaaa.

yours pop

Ok to summarize the things that happened is one of your parts blabbered enough things to make your friends suspicious and you're not quite sure if it is safe to tell or not. Correct? If so, we gotta break to two options here.. 'come out' or 'cover it up' ;

How to decide:

I don't suggest telling about your plurality without thinking as to avoid telling to the wrong one which could be potentially worse,, and because sudden topics will confuses people even more. So, if you think the friend has affinity for you and is not the type to play down or challenge or negatively questions/make remarks, but listen and try to understand,, you can come clean. If it isn't good with understanding struggles, no attempt in supporting, or just in general not a safe type when it comes to more sensitive things (i bet you tried a topic on that at least but i may be wrong) then.. just cover it up.

Coming out:

First rule.. Take. It. Slow. You. might want to plan what things you want to say, how, and when. i suggest you doing by this format i made and used for my irl friends,,

Prepping a script (mentally or physically) on what you want to say so when anxiety or fear comes up, your mind will not shut down as because some guidance have been provided for that case. This prevents the part where people are likely to drop it fast.

Gathering a few links (and you have to read thoroughly first) and keep that as a little homework for them to read. If links are overwhelming for them then revise in a paragraph or two in your own words.

Pick a time where both of you are currently calm and not busy/occupied. Make sure to hint the person about wanting to talk bout something important so they know and take it more serious than usual.

Tell everything, slowly, with clarity and avoid being vague. Tell how the certain thing got blurted out and what it actually meant, tell why you were scared of hiding it and what ugly expectations you had, tell how the disorder forms and works and give the links, tell properly how they can help/support you,, tell anything you want. And wait for results.

Covering up:

Search the likeliest accepted disorder that has similar things that was blurted out, or probably tell it was said when you're sleepy or anything else that has to do with tampering focus but i doubt that one works when enough info has been outted so hmm.

Thats all i have sadly, and, imo,, i never saw any of my friends tell how suspicious we were to our parents for like, most of the semester in school (just graduated) because i doubt they want to be involved or have enough commitment to actually tell. Unless its relatives like aunts, it could. Sorry for not responding as fast as i can, I hope this is not too late and its still redeemable.

- j

[arcane-sync]

I'm just... not in a good way. Kind of in a very bad way, actually.

Still dragging my way through school. Which is fine at this point. No new struggles there. Just... several house problems have come up as well, and my husband has done fuck all to address them. I am moderately germaphobic, so it is very literally difficult to do certain tasks. Yet I find myself doing the litter, cleaning the dishes, and hell, even some plumbing. The sinks have been draining slowly, and cleaning the drain traps has been an actual nightmare. I asked him to at least clean out the bucket I used and put on the back porch. He emptied it, but he didn't rinse them out with the hose. I've had to do construction and handyman work. I need to figure out how to drain the hot water heater. Plus normal stuff like cleaning the counters, the floors, the toilet. I CAN do these things, even with the phobia, but it is so, so mentally taxing. Plus the litter and dishes are supposed to be his chores, and he complains about them not getting done. He just... doesn't do it. Says he doesn't have time, doesn't fit into his schedule.

The cat has been misbehaving as well. She has decided my husband's clothes are a good place to go bathroom. And my husband is loosing his temper over it, which is... very literally triggering me. My dad would lose his temper with our cats growing up and kick them across the room. My husband isn't hurting our cat, but it still triggers me that he is getting angry with the cat for doing cat things. It's not her fault. It's our fault for not training her properly and/or not seeing to her medical needs. He has been complaining about this for weeks, but he hasn't fixed anything. I finally decided to just schedule the vet appointment myself. He bought cleaning supplies to deodorize her messes, but he hasn't used them properly. He just throws the clothes in the washer without running it, making the washer smell. I should mention I am ALLERGIC to cat urine. He KNOWS this. I have asked him to clean these things. But again... doesn't fit his schedule. He just gets mad about it instead. I am just trying to keep up with the problem as best I can.

My physical health is struggling, mostly because the air quality is terrible where I live. It is causing several different health issues to flare.

Counseling has been... hard. Good progress. Amazing progress. I have met a few new parts. But with that comes... well... difficult memories. Difficult emotions. New things I do not know how to deal with. New parts to take care of. I need to publicly state I am not ashamed of them or what they've been through, because I know they fear that. It is just... hard. For me and them.

Since my mental AND physical health is flagging, older mental health issues are beginning to rear their heads again. Stuff that I usually have a handle on. Self harm just to make everything... stop... slow down for a while. I have an old eating disorder rearing its head too. I've never known exactly what it is, never been diagnosed. I'll go days at a time without eating. And when I do, there's a 50/50 chance I'll keep the food down. Sometimes I'll throw it up due to disgust with myself for eating, and sometimes its due to distrusting the food, that it is somehow contaminated (and that is 100% a trauma thing, growing up in a house with food that was frequently infested. Don't know if those instances count as flashbacks or not).

I am... scared to admit to struggling. Not with my relationship with my school now. It's pretty clear that any signs of mental health struggles will be confronted with great bias. Hell, even my marriage problems. That is one of the areas they drilled me on, saying that a poor marriage was a sign that I was unfit for the program.

I find myself missing the psych ward. The permission to just... focus on myself and my own recovery.

I am... not okay.

[girlblogging9]

You have been abused or have a mental illness,so you will have sequels for life,but not everyone will understand that and for that reason not everyone will be able to walk by your side,even with medical treatment there are irreversible sequels and depending on the case we can develop other disorders. Not all people will understand this, respect this or have the ability to endure this and help you,some of them can make your situation worse. The truth is that few will really love you as you really are and want to stay by your side,build a life or friendship with you,it's not our fault that we are like this because we didn't ask to be like this,but it's a painful fact.

I've heard in the past that I was a burden,a burden for being sick,a burden for now having physical and mental health problems that were not caused by me but by external factors (abuse),I needed care but I was neglected and continued to be abused and my situation got worse and I went to a hospital for suicide,I was sick and I kept being tortured and being told it was my fault while I was calling for help and no one was listening. Like I said,these kind of people can destroy you and you need to stay away from them,because they kill you without using their hands and will never admit what they really did to you.

So,once you get out of the abusive cycle,you begin a long and endless journey to resurrect parts of yourself that were destroyed and killed, but unfortunately not all parts will be resurrected,you will never be the same person and few will understand that, for that nowadays I have few friends,few. But,even if you have people who respect you and are always with you,they won't always be able to help you and understand you and that's not their fault and it's not yours or mine either, they are unfair fatalities of life.

You never know how long you will endure and survive,you never know,in fact we are taking a risk all the time and sometimes we feel that we are disconnecting from everything and everyone and there is no strength or will left to do what we usually do,and unfortunately people will judge this,there is still a lot of misinformation and ignorance,but none of them really know what we are feeling and enduring,they don't know what they really did to us. If someone decided to put an end to their life now,we can't condemn them for that,certainly external factors collaborated with it, abuse,bad people,many things.

We are not weak,we are too strong to bear the unbearable and keep fighting,but some prefer to say that we are useless and burdens. So, for such serious and serious facts, I will never forgive the people who did this to me,although many of them pretend all the time to be something they are not,but I know who each one of them really is,people who shed innocent blood do not deserve it. pardon. Some of them make fun of my situation to this day and go to church,they believe they will go to heaven,none of them confess what they did and continue to do, none of them want to pay for their crimes.

All I know is that this type of person doesn't deserve the best,in fact they deserve the worst,they all will always have my repudiation. They like to hurt you and are always watching your life waiting for something bad to happen to you so they can celebrate and dance in your blood.

Do you defend abusers? Mostly child abusers? Do you know what you deserve? A slow,painful death and then being abused in hell forever by a legion of demons. All these people really want there to be a magical paradise waiting for them,but I hope they get a nasty surprise and a Demon waits for them.

So,you are different now and some will hate you for it and you will have countless crises and relapses,sometimes you will be left out and maybe you die too soon but that will never be our fault and we are not a burden we are survivors going through the hell everyday. And honestly,by my side I only want those who really respect me and like me as I am,who love me as I am and understand my situation without condemning me for it and don't abandon me for it,I'm not going to lie about it what I am, what they did to me,what I became,I will always be honest and I will never be ashamed of it,it's my story,it's my life,it's my struggle.

And don't blame me for things that never were and never will be my fault,life was never fair and it was never easy either.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hello. You can call us Forest (🌲) for now. We need to vent something really quickly.

We have dissociative identity disorder.

I don't think people really understand something, so let me explain:

Us, personally (for lack of better wording,) are very Introject heavy due to the nature of our past.

We have source memories more often than not.

This is our past trauma expressing itself in a different way.

And it will never stop being hard to explain to people that you're having a flashback and your throat is closing up over something that "never happened".

It's just as real and traumatic as any other memory. It's still as vivid and horrific.

And they will present themselves very differently. Source memories can be metaphorical, it can be literal. Sometimes a thing literally happened and was presented as a source memory. Sometimes something happened and then was remembered as a completely different source memory.

When has such a complex disorder ever been black or white.

And it isn't our fault we exist.

It isn't our fault if we introjected from a popular media, from our abuser, from a terrible character, from a self insert, a Mary Sue, our grandma, or anybody else.

And it isn't fucking our fault who we are. Some of us cannot disconnect from our source, while others can.

Sometimes it physically and mentally hurts. Like someone telling you and your memories that you aren't yourself and your memories aren't real either. So sorry if some of us have a horrible person that we connected to for whatever reason.

It isn't our fault that we were hurt so bad that our brain had to do this to us just so we could survive.

It isn't our fault. It isn't our fucking fault. We were hurt badly.

And I'm "so" sorry that people can't understand that.

We're so fucking sorry that our existence makes you angry, that us going through complex trauma that we ourselves can't even really completely remember or even comprehend makes us such a terrible fake.

Thank you.

Hi Forest (🌲),

I hear you. What you're talking about is a necessary discussion so thank you for shedding light on it. Exotrauma is trauma, source memories are valid, and it's no one's place to dictate your own experiences and feelings.

I hope y'all are doing alright. Please let us know if y'all need anything.

-Bun

[heronmomo]

Review🍓

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC.

First of all I would like to talk about the physical aspect of the book because it is something that stands out a lot. The cover is extremely beautiful, the art is incredible and the title is so powerful that it immediately catches the eye, I feel that both the author and the illustrator did an impeccable job in this aspect that will surely catch the attention of many readers, which is something worth mentioning.

Now, the content.

The book follows Jess, our protagonist, a teenage girl who from a very early age was left in the orphanage, since her mother could not take care of her because she suffered from schizophrenia, at her young age she has already passed through several temporary homes in where her caregivers saw her as a problem, and by several schools where she suffered harassment, so she decides to create some unbreakable rules or tips to survive the life of a 'foster kid', which makes her seem like a cold and closed person. One step at a time, her life changes when she moves into the home of her new caretaker, Barbra, and meets Oscar, a boy who likes cosplay and the geek culture in general, at school, who is impressed by her as much as her talent with makeup and dress and He asks her to join his small group and enter a cosplay competition, Jess is initially uninterested, but quickly realizes that such competitions could bring her closer to her bio mother.

I feel like Jess is such a real and complete character, it's easy to get caught up in her interests, to appreciate the way she identifies with Poe, her self-confidence, what her style means to her, but it's also easy to empathize with her. With her deepest thoughts.

Although she may seem cold, you understand the reason for her rules, you understand her desire to reunite with her biological mother even knowing that it is a bad idea and that Barbra is a great caregiver, and more than anything you understand her resentment and fear of one day suffering from schizophrenia just like her mother.

There are parts in the book where I just empathized with her so much that couldn't help but cry a little, all of her feelings become very real and personal to the reader.

But the good work that the author did does not end with Jess, the other characters are just as wonderful, although we do not know them in depth, none of them feel flat, stereotyped or repetitive, each one has their own identity and personality. Each one shines in their own way.

The author emphasizes how important representation is and this is just how it feels in the book, the characters are people we could meet, who could be our friends or even us. With Oscar I have experienced what is like seeing myself on a page, his fight against his anxiety is something that I know very well and that somehow made me feel truly accompanied. It made me feel no longer alone.

As a Psychology student, I feel that the author handled the subject of mental health very well, the approach is very positive and leaves you with a wonderful message that is something that we should all keep in mind: suffering from a disorder is not our fault, and that we all deserve both to be accompanied and to be loved even with these. Suffering from one or seeking help is not something we should feel ashamed of, and that we all, as a society, should do our best not to abandon people.

Accompanied by all this, the book is written in a very friendly language that both teenagers and adults will enjoy reading, the pace of the book is very good, although unfortunately I had to pause during reading, it was always easy for me to resume and follow the thread, mainly towards the last part where the story becomes so engaging that you don't want to take your eyes off the page.

I really applaud the author, this is her debut book and anyone who reads it would think that she has been in this industry for years because of the good work she did.

Without a doubt, it is a book that I would recommend to everyone and that will have a special place in my heart for the rest of my life.

[mrhyderager]

Off My Chest

I grew out of airing my dirty laundry on the internet a long time ago, but because of an interaction I just had, I feel like I need to say something. My upbringing was largely really shitty. Even when I was young, really young, I lived in a home where my single mother couldn't make ends meet. I didn't know it at the time but she was extremely mentally ill from long before I was ever even born. I can't speak to her life experiences prior to then, but I know from stories that she drank and did drugs and the whole 9. My older brother had told me stories of her lashing out at him and I even once witnessed her attack him with a frying pan, but I didn't know any better at the time. I was no more than 4 or 5. My brother left for the military as soon as he could. I figured that out eventually. I think the first time I really recognized something was wrong was when I was around that age and my cat, who was an outdoor cat, had come back pregnant. When she had kittens, we made a little bed out of a cardboard box and some blankets. One of the kittens started to get mobile enough to try to climb out of the box. It did so a few times and finally my mom got frustrated and threw it... the kitten didn't survive. As a kid I was devastated and I didn't fully understand but I knew it was wrong. I was 8 when we moved from Ohio to Kentucky. We had a couple of pretty good years, living in a townhouse and largely doing our own thing. But as my mother started interacting with the neighbors that lived in the same complex, things started souring pretty quickly. Again, I didn't know or understand it at the time, but two of the neighbors were moving drugs and had enough issues of their own. Naturally, I'm in the 11-12 year old span and I'm just starting to figure out my own personality and making my own decisions. My mom reacted to my autonomy with increasing violence. It was almost shocking how quickly it happened in my experience. Every kind of physical and emotional abuse you could think of, from smashing and breaking my belongings to attacking me directly - I've still got scars on my arm and leg from when she broke various objects over them as I shielded myself. Once a broom, another time a ceramic vase... it would come and go in waves and I now know that the waves were driven by a combination of drug use and some form of bipolar disorder. At 14, I had to drive her car back home - clearly unlicensed, never drove before - because she had been arrested for intoxication at the convenience store. This continued for years. My only reprieve came from my grandparents, close friends' families, and school. There were times when we played host to my mother's addict friends who were allowed to stay with us if they provided her with pills. Once I had to jump out of her moving car to prevent her from continuing to assault me as she ran stop signs and red lights to prevent me from getting out while the car stopped.  There were good times, don't get me wrong, but when all of this is happening, no matter how frequent, the good times really stop being the point. Finally at 17, as a Senior in High School, I left and went to live with my grandparents. I've never felt that kind of relief in my life either prior to that point or any time since. And while my mother's mania didn't stop there, I was free from it. I've spent the rest of my life trying to distance myself from that. She eventually sobered up after ODing on Heroin at the same time my grandmother was passing away, but she has not in my experience changed who she is fundamentally. I've never received an apology - never any personal ownership of the way she behaved - only pity parties and sob stories that I cannot accept. I was just a kid. I just wanted a parent who could care enough in nearly 30 years to stop and think about the impact of their actions. I tried for years to make this clear but I got tired of being the bigger person. It's not my job. Maybe none of it is her fault. Maybe there's illness there that won't go away. But none of that excuses the experiences I've had to go through, or the ruined relationships it's caused with my brothers, or anything else. I don't say any of this for pity or anything really other than just getting it off my chest. I've seen a therapist as an adult that's trying to not repeat a cycle of emotional illness and I'm much better for it - still, sometimes it's best to just write it all out.

[goodnewstimelesstruths]

on body image (TW: eating disorder)

So, I’ve known a lot of people who weren’t happy with the way their bodies looked, and it affected the way they viewed themselves and their worth as a person. There’s a whole bunch of reasons for this that I’m not going to get into, but it breaks my heart that a lot of people develop a strong aversion toward their bodies and themselves because of the messages that they’re receiving from culture and media and even the people closest to them. So I wanted to speak some truth to the untruths that are circulating and causing harm.

First off, this is personal to me. I developed pretty severe anorexia when I was 18 (and wrestled with it for about 5-6 years) because I’d slowly come to believe that I’d only ever be desirable if I was beautiful, and the physical and mental repercussions of that continued to linger for several years. Counseling was one of the biggest things that helped me and I strongly advocate for that, but I’d say what really saved me from destroying myself through the disorder was identifying what I was believing about myself—that I’m not worthy of love if I’m not pretty—and replacing that lie with the truth that Jesus says I’m worthy because he made me worthy. We are all made in the image of God, so fundamentally that gives each of us worth. God created us and calls each of us precious and valuable to him. He loves us so much that he sent Jesus to save us. Society and culture might not want us. That person that we desire approval from might not want us, but God always does. The narratives we craft about ourselves can root themselves deep within us, so it’s important that we discern what the truth is and dig out the bad roots so that we can plant seeds of hope that will sprout life.

The effects of sin on our bodies

Now, rooting my identity in Jesus did help me to begin to overcome the disorder. But just because I no longer struggle with it on a daily basis does not mean that I now think my body is perfect and I’m super satisfied with it all the time. The truth is that we all are living in bodies that are falling apart. We get sick, we feel pain. More often than not, our bodies fail to do what we want them to do. No matter how hard we try, our bodies will never be good enough. That's because there is sin in the world and in us. I think it’s important to appreciate our bodies and what they can do for us, but it’s also important to recognize that living in broken, imperfect bodies can be really, really hard. The Bible offers hope for that too. Jesus came down to Earth and experienced what it was like to have the same weak and limited body that we have, and then when he was sent to be killed he endured his body being mercilessly beaten. He went through intense physical suffering and ultimately death to pay for our sins so we wouldn’t have to. And then he resurrected, and one day if we believe in him we’ll also be resurrected and have brand new bodies that are no longer affected by sin. 

Unconditionally loved

If you are burdened by negative thoughts about your body/self that you've struggled to overcome, begin by uprooting anything that you have come to believe about yourself that isn’t true and replacing it with the truth that endures. A way to begin is to complete this sentence: If I am not __X__(beautiful, pretty, perfect etc), then __Y__will happen. What will happen if you are not what you’re trying to be? My sentence read, If I’m not thin, then no one will love me. I recognized that what I wanted was to be loved. And that’s true for everyone, right? Because we were designed to desire to be loved. But not loved because of what we’ve done or what we look like... What we desire is to be loved unconditionally. And the only one who can love you unconditionally is God.

When I think about and dwell on and really sit in the truth that the God of the universe, who created the world and everything in it, also created me with a purpose, and that he knows me, like all of my faults and fears, and yet sent his child to die to save me so that I could be part of his family forever, I remember that I am loved. And that has become the guiding and healing force of my life.

[peachesand-dream]

Today I feel so overcome with rage, I could scream until my lungs give out. There are so many contributing factors and in my true dissociative style I learned as kid, I sit here peaceful and quiet - like nothing is wrong because god forbid I show my emotions. For all my life showing emotion has felt like a rebellious act. Which is absolutely ridiculous, really. So here I am furiously typing a way what will inevitably sit in my stomach, in my nervous system - a deep pit of despair, fear, guilt and anger - all brewing into one big concoction of shitty feelings, gugrling around in my stomach. I feel so much heaviness mentally and physically from holding everything in. Before I grab my phone to seep into my blissful little dissociative state any further - this is what is currently preventing me from functioning.

I am angry and hurt with my parents. Because all my life they;ve made me feel like I don't matter, my feelings don't matter, and my pain is invalid. Any sickness or injury would be met with a joke or taunting or a serves you right - or what became the most used "this is probably your fault" and somehow attributed to my eating disorder and the inability to take care of myself. Always reinforcing this notion that I'm pathetic and weak. Something I still struggle to convince myself otherwise of. Now I'm 31 years old. I have a rare and at times debilitating disease with no cure. I also have a secondary disease that causes my body to feel constant nausea 24/7 and bloating - which fuels the eating disorder even more. I'm angry with my parents because they never ask how I am. They don't care. If I bring up my health they change the subject. So I've learned to do the same to myself. health fears creep in and I instantly dismiss and invalidate them. Until they become so loud I have no choice but to pay attention to them. I'm angry at myself for having so little friends at this point in my life. For being so introverted, shy and anxious that social events make me completely spiral, that sharing how I feel is is near impossible, and that my illnesses feel even louder, that I constanty feel alone and unsupported. I'm angry at my partner because I cannot deal with another night like last night where he came home so drunk he was unable to stand, picked a fight with me over an open blind and left 4 inches deep of vomit in our bathtub. Some people might feel this is unfair of me but it's not the drunkenness that upsets me. It's who he becomes when he drinks and how uncomfortable and unsafe I feel in my own home when he comes home like that. I feel so disrespected, hurt and disgusted. I deserve better than this. This has happened too many times. I've had too many sleepless anxiety filled nights waiting for him to come home yet not know what I'm up against. I wish he respected me enough to stop doing this. If he wants to become the father of our children, then I need him to stop behaving like this. Because at the moment, one more night like this would probably send me to breaking point.