#and my system is always disregulated

[raccoonfagdyke]

I don't wanna be alive anymore .

[actual-changeling]

Do you think Aziraphale has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused by Heaven as well?

I will answer this question like one asked in good faith even though my gut is telling me there's a 50/50 chance it is very much not one.

So!

There are two parts to his answer, or rather one question is actually two.

Firstly, we have to talk about whether heaven is abusive, what that abuse looks like, and how it differs from hell.

Secondly, how did the results of question one affect Aziraphale, if it is different from what the other angels in heaven face, and what additional trauma might he have experienced due to being on earth.

I could write a 10k meta post about this and go into the finest detail, but I will just try and stick to the main points for now. It's still going to be way too long because I am so fucking tired of people accusing me of 'hating' Aziraphale or harassing me on my posts or in my inbox.

Is heaven abusive? Yes, and it applies to both heaven as an institution and the Archangels running it.

Getting to know Muriel and what their life looks like was extremely helpful in properly defining this, because they showed us that although the Archangels tend to travel and work as a group, most of the angels are incredibly isolated.

The result is complete emotional neglect, which not only impairs your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships with other people, it also stops your from learning emotional regulation and how to behave and feel as a part of (angelic) society. We see the consequences of that in Muriel, who comes across as overly naive, socially awkward, and out of touch with not just people but themselves.

When your entire life has been shrunk down to what happens inside your own head, suddenly being confronted with having to live outside of your mind is jarring, overwhelming, and foreign.

How do you talk to people when no one ever taught you how to do that? How do you behave around someone after a lifetime of being alone? How do your regulate your responses to their behaviour?

Who are you when there is someone else to perceive you?

Figuring that out is complicated and it takes time, and while most of the angels are only distantly aware of how humans live and what kind of interactions some of the other angels might have, the effects of that neglect stay the same whether they are aware of it or not.

Muriel shows us that angels are not born/made as a blank slate, and neither are humans for that matter. Tabula rasa as a philosophical belief is one thing, but reality is very, very different.

Angels also appear to have the same inherent need for connection, for a caretaker that loves them unconditionally, for someone to help them figure out how to be, and that provides a safe space to make mistakes. Without some or all of that, you grow up into a disregulated, socially awkward if not inept person who does not know how to have relationships or how to properly exist.

It is one of the reasons why autistic people are a) almost always traumatized to some degree and b) do not know how to socialize. No one ever works with our brains, and the resulting neglect is very similar to not receiving any help at all.

If you are now curious what happens if you're both autistic and were completely socially neglected, the result is uh. me. Hi! Not nice, but at least I am very sure I win the award for being my therapist's most fucked up client, so that's something.

Yet the angels are not solely emotionally neglected, the system/household they live in demands a low self-esteem, a lack of individual identity, and complete adherence to a defined ideology and behavioural pattern. In short, you are told how to be a useless, tiny part in a bigger machine, that your only purpose is to succeed at your tasks, and any opportunity for individual development is removed or destroyed.

If you are now once again curious what that might be like, uh, yeah, hi once more. Obviously my childhood was not exactly like an angels life, but the core characteristics were the same, just realized differently. Again, not pretty, really, really fucks you over.

Take that and the neglect, combine it into one person, and then drop them in the Garden of Eden—hello Aziraphale! Crowley got dropped into hell first, experienced more abuse, and then dug his way up into Eden before joining him.

Aziraphale experienced everything Muriel (and Crowley, and every other celestial being) also experienced, with one main difference: He is the one who got away.

We have to remember that out of every single celestial being, Aziraphale got the best deal. He did not fall, he got out of heaven (more or less) permanently, and was then largely left alone.

Does that erase anything I laid out above? No, of course not!

It simply provided him with the opportunity to heal, to take his cPTSD and who knows what other disorders he developed as a result, and start recovering.

Canonically, heaven did not bother him, like, ever, except for the odd note about 'frivolous miracles' or ten minutes of catching up every millennia. They only started monitoring him once they started to suspect he was involved with Crowley and trying to stop the apocalypse from happening.

Aziraphale worked on some things, he got better in many regards, especially with Crowley there to support him, but after six thousand years, many aspects have stayed the same or regressed back to the start over and over.

I will tell you a hard pill to swallow now: If you refuse to acknowledge your issues to instead live in a world of nicer denial and compartmentalization even when you have been offered the chance to change it, that is partly on YOU.

Is it fair? Fuck no! It's not fair at all, and I have had so many breakdowns over that fact. I did not break it, this is not my FAULT so why should I have to fix it all on my own? Why do I have to do the work, not them? How come they get away with it while I am going to have to carry this for the rest of my life?

I still have to do it though. I have to do the work, no matter how uncomfortable and exhausting, because I want to get better.

-

This conversation has so many facets and is a lot more complex, but this is already long enough, so if you have any questions or want to know something specific (while asking politely and in good faith) just send me an ask; I will do my best to answer it.

-

We are now only missing the last part of question 2, and that one is also so fucking complicated reducing it to the main points almost feels wrong, but I will do it anyway. Again, just ask if you have questions.

Abusive households are horrible, and you want to get out and away, but they are also the only thing you know. The world is scary, too big, too open, where did all the rules go that were previously defining your life?

Surviving in an abusive environment means you establish routine after routine after routine for every possible horrible scenario, you write a mental rule book to try and reduce the abuse (don't make them angry, don't cry when they're already shouting, don't do this, don't do that, do x but not y), and THAT is your socialization. THAT is everything you know, everything you are, everything you know relationships to be like.

Once you are away from that, you are completely and utterly lost. Even breathing feels like making a mistake, you feel watched, judged, rated, berated, you have them stuck in your fucking head. So you keep sticking to what you know, your behavioural patterns that have kept you safe your entire life.

The problem is that they kept you safe, past tense. In a healthy environment, all of those coping mechanisms are now maladaptive and harm you instead of keeping you safe.

However, breaking out of them and starting from scratch is terrifying. So, so, so terrifying. I live in constant fear, I feel judged and unsafe in my own flat with the curtains shut and the lights on. I feel like I am about to get subjected to another one of his fits for daring to use the stove.

No matter what you do, your body and brain are SCREAMING at you that diverging from what you know will kill you—and then you have to do it anyway.

Do it alone and afraid and awkwardly but DO IT. Otherwise you will always find a way to recreate the environment you grew up in, whether that is people getting into unhealthy relationships and replicating the patterns they know (which Aziraphale does with Crowley, e.g. the push-pull of his affection) or eventually even returning to it because they ruined you, but a part of you is so, so attached to them you just have to try and change them.

Some people can move on from it without going back, but sometimes you need to try and experience that failure for yourself before being able to move on, and that's where Aziraphale is at.

He needs to try and fail to be capable of finally committing to recovering.

So, to summarize this entire shitshow: Yes, Aziraphale experienced emotional neglect and abuse, and while it is different to what Crowley went through and objectively less intense and physical, it is still just as valid and horrid.

Just because a car accident is objectively worse than falling off a bike doesn't mean the biker's pain is unimportant. Both can kill you, both can hurt you, and both deserve to get their injuries treated.

Questions?

[sk-lumen]

The importance of a support system.

I would go as far as to say having a support system makes the difference between being stuck in old, toxic cycles and environments, or leveling up into a better life, better places, better people. I know this from experience too.

Because when you don't have a support system (good friends, therapy, supportive family, a regulated nervous system), you are operating in survival mode (acting out of fear, feeling anxious, feeling alone and unsupported, afraid to lose anyone/anything because anything's better than being alone).

If someone tells you to just be brave and jump and believe it'll be okay, it sounds easy right? When someone has the foundation of a healthy upbringing and support system, they will have the confidence and inner strength to take risks, to stand up for themselves, to walk away from anyting less than what they deserve. They're not afraid of making mistakes, on the contrary, they have a healthy relationship with it.

But someone who doesn't have any of those things, has no foundation underneath them to give that sense of safety. They'll be afraid to take chances, to move either left or right, sometimes even feel paralyzed to make any decisions, because they've learned it's not safe to make mistakes. Mistake means falling into a possible chasm, with no safety net. To someone who's gone through trauma and/or has a disregulated nervous system, that can feel like "danger mode" straightaway. And that can mean things like staying in toxic relationships, in bad jobs, or even clinging to situationships out of fear of remaining with nothing else.

It makes sense then, for anyone in the second category, that strengthening your support system should be prioritized. It's only when I prioritized nurturing my friendships, going to therapy and regulating my nervous system (instead of always depending on others to do it for me), that I finally developed the tools, confidence and strength to make better choices.

[mama-vaggie]

Hi! Please feel free to ignore this, I am not trying to hate at all! Just curious!/gen Why do you tak care of Rhea but not other vent littles?/lh /gen /curious I know your mental health isn't the best, so I now that could be reason, I just thought that if it was, you would take a step back form Rhea too. Again no hate what so ever!/gen sending lots of love Sorry if this came off as rude or offensive!/gen

Dear Anon

I am Mod E, I dont normally answer asks in anyway on Vaggie's blog. Im just here to monitor the inbox, make special announcements, and block problematic blogs, however, Mod Ocean (aka Vaggie) and I agreed that its probably best that I handle your ask in particular in order to allow you to help you get a better understanding of what actually is going on here.

We know you meant nothing offensive in your ask and that you are genuinely concerned about Mod Ocean and her mental health. However 'stepping back' from Rhea is not possible. This is because Mod Ocean and Rhea are the same person. 

Now its a little hard for me to explain. Im going to be using terms generally used by systems (I myself am part of a system) but I want to make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR:

MOD OCEAN DOES NOT HAVE DID AND IS NOT A SYSTEM NOR IS SHE CLAIMING TO BE A SYSTEM!

IT IS JUST EASIER FOR MYSELF (MOD E, A MEDICALLY RECOGNIZED SYSTEM) TO EXPLAIN THIS USING SYSTEM TERMINOLOGIES!

Mod Ocean has a diagnosis of BPD. One of the effects of BPD is (quote taken from the NHS website) "disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – "cognitive distortions" or "perceptual distortions" " I personally dont like the use of the term 'disturbed' here but that is straight from this website: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms/

There isnt a lot of research into BPD and how these distortions manifest in individuals but for Mod Ocean, it manifests in almost alter-like personalities that have taken on an appearance and have histories all their own. They tend to 'come to front' to help Mod Ocean process the extreme emotional disregulation that comes with BPD.

Mod Ocean is my best friend, she has been a massive support in my own journey of discovering that im part of a system and encouraging me to speak to a therapist. Rhea is real. She has her own thoughts and feelings that can be hurt. I can always tell there is a massive difference when im talking to Ocean vs when Im talking to Rhea or Jadie vs when im talking to Vaggie. 

So your ask was sent with good intentions, yes. But you also sent it under an incorrect assumption. Vaggie cannot take a step back from Rhea. 

This is also part of the reason why Mod Ocean isnt always comfortable handling other vent regressors. They are always welcome to reach out to her, vent and cry and that but when they start getting violent/aggressive towards themselves or her is when she has to step back. 

I hope this makes sense and helps explain the situation a bit better. If you have any further questions please reach out to me on my blog @the-hellion-collective and ill answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability.

~Mod E 👾

[raisedbythetv89]

The thing about a lot of the Autistic coded characters in media, especially with female characters (thinking Anya Btvs and Bones as examples) is they’re often shown as being almost completely oblivious to how they’re perceived by the group and only know they’ve made a misstep when someone else tells them directly they did something everyone perceives as strange or odd or impolite and that is not the reality for so many Autistic women - especially adult women.

Many of us know almost instantly when we have made a misstep and so part of our mask is cataloguing that feedback to try and prevent that from happening again which is why so many of us go undiagnosed because this hyper-awareness caused by our socialization as women turns us into the slightly quirky manic pixie dream girl archetype or in my case the “surprisingly bold” and entertaining yet slightly weird girl who is a little odd but not enough to cause alarm and if you’re pretty it’s often found charming or refreshing.

And so you’ve developed this insane hyper awareness and then you learn you’re autistic and life isn’t this hard for everyone else and masking is slowly killing you because it disregulates your nervous system so severely you can’t eat or sleep properly and you start developing all these chronic pains and health conditions so you have to start unmasking which means being PAINFULLY AWARE of how bizarre/weird/different you come off in social settings without the mask you worked on for decades and you just have to accept it!! You just have to be totally ok with other’s discomfort at your abnormal behavior that doesn’t follow social norms and take zero action to try and rectify the situation or prevent it in future unless absolutely necessary like to keep a job or keep yourself safe around unsafe people

and the thing is, when you’re hyper aware that you are different but you don’t know how/why as a kid you’re always trying to “get it right” by “humaning properly” and finally fitting in. Embracing standing out and letting everyone see just how different you are is one of the scariest things you can face - like I have to know they think I’m super fucking weird and do NOTHING ABOUT IT - for the sake of my health??? But standing out is dangerous what are you talking about??!?!?

The blissful ignorance to the social norms you’re breaking that occurs in your youth can be more peaceful in the moment but leaves you easy prey to being taken advantage of or manipulated. Whereas full awareness of the social norms you can better keep yourself safe but every moment interacting with others is a practice of radical self acceptance which can be extremely isolating in a world where so many want to fit in. Obviously I can’t go back to blissful ignorance (nor would I want to) but this radical self acceptance of my weirdness and others perceiving it is:

A LOT

[casketscratch]

Wonderful therapy session, horrible everything surrounding it.

This is just a lot of system/memory bits we figured out with the therapist and some fucked up dreams last night.

I forgot: during last week's session, part of what O. had tried to tell the therapist was that S was wrong about him. That he doesn't "spin us out" on purpose, that he's not the one responsible for driving the rest of the system to breakdowns -- not exactly, anyway. Just that he will do anything to keep that door he's in charge of shut. So it's not him who really tries to throw us off buildings. He's the mechanism that interrupts that and throws a switch. He can push Stephan to front, which means S's after-the-fact experience/recollection is "O. is trying to make me kill myself."

But it's more like... something triggers a lot of self-destructive parts > O does his best to manage the chaos/meltdown/attempt > S's basically "activated" because he catches zero emotional residue normally > S can only remember O being around and everything being catastrophically disregulated, does his best to get things back to normal.

S was also trying to describe what he remembered from yesterday's episode. He has fragments - more than usual - of memory about the actual, us leaving the house, us deciding where to go, and some of the emotional memory. Our therapist basically said that that sounded like being a very overwhelmed, very scared child; not just a "therapy-work inner child," but, you know. Alter. Someone both trying to get very far away from everything she knew--I once woke up on the outskirts of our hometown, at the "welcome to..." city limits sign, and that alone would have been hours of trekking--and really, really fucking angry.

Part of why O basically swept her out of the house as fast as possible yesterday was because he does look for fights. He did want to run into someone and beat the living shit out of them, and he doesn't want to explode on anyone we know and care about. Because he will/has before and barely has any like, conscious awareness of the present day or who's actually around when he's dealing with wrangling these other, overwhelmed child parts.

But the other part was also hoping she would find someone who'd abduct her off the street and be nicer to her than everyone else. Hence... that memory from a few months ago, about walking into a stranger's home and being abused. I am trying not to over-intellectualize everything (attachment disorders! disinhibitive social whatever!) and it is very hard not to. Because I feel like that specific incident is so much my fault. We were so fucked up and already trying to run away, and she did one time just... go with someone who found her when we were disregulated like that, and somehow we all failed to intervene. It was really, really bad.

And I know it's not my fault, just as much as I know it's not her fault. Whatever mechanisms and structure we have were built to deal with a lot of complicated, fucked up, extreme circumstances. I think I can at least sympathize with her desire to find someone to intervene, even if it would be "bad" too. Better to be one of those kids missing on a milk carton than to go home again, seemed to be the thinking? At least people cared about the kids on milk cartons, kind of thing.

And I am trying very hard to come to terms with, the, oh fuck, everything I've said was true, all of this has always been true, the entire overwhelming story is true, the subsystem divisions are real, if she was that desperate to get away then that means, there are so many memories coming up, etc.

But mostly I can't stop dwelling on a nightmare we had last night, about us running away to a motel room somewhere. One I recognized from vivid dreams in the past that I'm still wrestling with recognizing at all. I don't remember why we were there, just that it was that place or being homeless again, and we half-trusted the owner. The cats were there, though, and I had made them a bed in the bathroom for the night.

But the place caught on fire from downstairs. And it was only after a bunch of detours and forgetting to care, forgetting about the fire, forgetting that I am extremely attached to these cats, that I finally went back and tried to rescue them. And nearly died doing it, because the building was almost collapsing by that point and I couldn't actually find the cats in all the smoke at first, just a fucked up old stuffed rabbit. It didn't feel like a victory at the end, just depressing and shameful because I would have let them burn.

S says all the time that he genuinely hates systemhood, having DID, and would devour god if it meant not living like this. But I think, now that I'm really sorting pieces here... I think S also carries a lot of awareness of the times we've been hurt because of the amnesia and has a lot of bitterness about the system because of it. Like I think that has been his job for a long, long time. And that has to be a really confusing fucking place to be sometimes.

And yes okay the symbolism in that dream is really obvious re-reading that, dear god, lmao.

[kleefkruid]

how do you feel about this trend among the youngsters to say 'hehe so autistic of me' or literally 'i'm autistic' while their behavior clearly shows they aren't? cause i'm autistic and in college (hogeschool) and people say this all. the. fucking. time and i can't handle it. (i'm 23 and do not consider myself a youngster anymore) (also my field of study (studierichting? ik ben vlaams en slecht in juist vertalen ahaha) is part of the health care system so i don't understand why they, if they want to work in health care, would say that)

Hi, I wouldn't call it a trend anymore, it's been a thing for about the last ten years amongst people of all ages so it's here to stay I'm afraid, just a variation of the "I alphabetized all my books I'm so OCD" type comment.

I do make make a light hearted quip about it if the situation allows it (people are a lot more open to critique when you wrap it in a joke, it makes them less defensive) but just as often I ignore it bc I'm not in the mood or the situation isn't suitable.

I don't really get angry about it because I know it doesn't help and if I sit here annoyed constantly thinking about it only ruins my day. I used to get wind up about things very very easely (part of having a emotion disregulation disorder combined with the classic autistic sense of justice) but in therapy I've been working on keeping that energy for more productive actions.

So instead of thinking about this, and being upset about how little people know about autism in general and even in the health care field (I'm studying applied psychology right now and I also have the same experience with some of my fellow students) I focus on making my comics and gathering information in my studies to become a more well rounded avocate for this cause (sounds dramatic haha)

So yeah, don't let it ruin your day, people will always be ignorant about a lot of things sadly. It's normal to feel annoyed by it but don't let this feeling linger too long. Just acknowledge it and let it go. This isn't easy and takes some time to get good at, don't get me wrong, but it's the best thing for your mental health in the long run.

[xxxtherrcollectivexxx]

Genshin Muses and Their Mental Health (Headcanons)

Apologies for the extremely long post it took me a while to write. I just got a little thoughtful of what my Genshin Muses may possibly have troubles with mentally.

If you don't fancy reading, then quickly continue scrolling. :)

Alhaitham - Autism Look his autism has kind of stereotypical media driven signs of autism like the super intelligence, his hyperfixation on his scribe occupation, and his preference is isolation over social interactions. He can find it difficult to understand how others think and feel, and often impulsive to speak his mind regardless of how others will perceive it. He is exceptional in finding patterns and irregularities within a situation, and always manages to be multiple steps ahead. Also noise cancelling headphones?

Arataki Itto - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) You can't tell me otherwise. Listen to all that damn dialogue. Man is an utter himbo, and add in the ADHD to further his personality. Man is incredibly impulsive and unorganised in every sense of the word. He has one of the lowest frustration tolerances when it comes to his Kabuto fighting, can't concentrate on only one topic, but can be distracted by other stimuli. But in other situations he can be completely hyperfocused on a task like going to search for his friends and making sure they're safe. He also does not take kindly to stress and stressful situations.

Il Dottore - Anti Social Personality Disorder (Sociopathy) Man shows absolutely no regard when it comes to right and wrong, and blatantly ignores the feelings of others that are impacted by him. That doesn't mean to say that he doesn't have feelings. He can emote just like anyone else, but these emotions are very external emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, and so on. But more internal emotions like sympathy, guilt, etc, are definitely not understood by him. He will lie to take advantage of others, resorts to violence should the need arise, as well as being entirely opinionated and having a strong sense of superiority over others.

Lumine - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) It was already bad enough that she has lost her brother in a world where she understood very little, with only Paimon to be her guide, but now she is thrust into so many dangerous situations and no one seems to really ask her how she is feeling. Everyone hears tales of her adventures and her heroics, but they never understand truly how traumatised and frustrated she is that she has managed to do so much and learn so little about her brother's whereabouts. As much as she has made friends over her time within the realm of Teyvat, it's not the same without her brother. Often she finds herself distracting her head with what she can do to help people, just to try and drown out that feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness she feels because she is missing her brother.

Neuvillette - Rejection Sensitivity / Emotional Disregulation (RSD) While RSD may be more of a factor within ADHD, Neuvillette definitely doesn't have ADHD. As a Water Dragon Sovereign, there's not doubt that he tries his best to learn how humans work and think and do things. Offering to help with the people of Fontaine through the judiciary system, and seeing all the awful things people can do to one another, as well as to him, it would start to weigh on his shoulders. It's easy to point out the rejection sensitivity because it's the idea of feeling physical pain and suffering when one is rejected. When Neuvillette feels these great burdens and feelings, the rain comes. The only sign that he allows to show that he is mourning and grieving the people he is trying to help.

Pantalone - Narcissistic Personality Disorder Man has a very high opinion of himself, going so far as to control the majority of the money of Teyvat. He can become very aggressive and controlling when he doesn't get what he wants, going so far as to hurting or even unaliving people who have disappointed him. He has a very hard time controlling his own emotions which is why he forces himself to smile all the time so no one can see that he is perturbed or irritated by their actions until it is too late.

Tartaglia - Bipolar Personality Disorder (BPD) Childe seems to display quite varying symptoms of bipolar, having elated and manic episodes when it comes to his favourite thing (fighting), but also dipping into low and disinterested moods when something doesn't fit his fancy. He is usually very upbeat and likes to talk constantly with the Traveler or Zhongli, and also has an exaggerated state of self and his abilities. On the other hand, he has been seen to be disinterested and feeling a lack of pleasure in this he enjoys, mostly when he has not been satisfied by someone else. He also shows a lot of restlessness and often has times where he is unable to rest or sleep.

Tighnari - Possible Asperger's Syndrome Honestly so many people believe him to have an additive personality due to consuming shrooms on the daily, but this has not hindered him in any way. He does not believe he needs to consume shrooms on the daily basis for any sort of fix. He does it to help figure out ide effects and write them down in his handbooks so others are aware of what can be safe to eat and what should be avoided. If anything, guy may have some form of Asperger's, but there's not enough to confidently say yes.

Zhongli - Depression This man just wants a really long nap. He's been through a lot and wants nothing more than to be rid of it all. He does not have any thoughts of unaliving or harm to himself, but he has become severely reclusive and unbothered by thriving as an Archon anymore. His encounters during his story quests have pretty much shown that he no longer feels he has any purpose or meaning to remain in Liyue, and the only reason he would most likely stay is because he wants to see how humans will thrive without him. When he knows that they will be fine on their own, perhaps he will finally give himself the rest he feels he deserves.

[torque-witch]

Also I’m realizing that I am very well liked in jobs because I am not like my coworkers who frequently talk back, yell, pout, storm away, etc.

That is way too emotionally unregulating for me. It’s easier for me to just say yes rather than send myself into an angry panic that will set me off for days at a time. Whereas NT ppl can apparently recover very quickly and forgive easily.

Once I lose my shit ppl become afraid of me. Literally. Because I do not hold back once I let myself.

It’s always confused me as to why people can frequently talk back or be angry in the work place and the next day it’s nbd. But as soon as I give that energy back I’m told that I’m disrespectful and never cared about the company to begin with.

Happened at napa. I’m desperately trying not to do that here bc they are part of the community I live in and I don’t need the whole town talking about me.

My mistake for shouldering all this crap for the sake of social etiquette and autistic confusion.

I am unregulated bc I am taking on cleaning up the problems that NT’s cause with lack of planning and lack of empathy.

Like what if this entire time my jobs have actually been causing my flare ups (yes, they’ve always been hand in hand) but BECAUSE my nervous system is always so disregulated working under NT’s.

[effervescentdragon]

Totally unrelated but i have a question about adhd: how did you do as a kid? (Sorry for being noisy i'm just struggling so much to get a diagnosis cause i was a gifted kid and a calm one and blah blah blah, but i genuinely don't know what else could it be and even the docs don't know so :))) it would be so helpful to hear someone else experience! Only if you're comfortable sharing obv)

Okay so, i only got diagnosed like a couple of years ago so as a kid... shit idek. Some things make sense in retrospect when i think about them now, and i havent unpacked a lot of shit from my childhood yet so idk how much help i will be. So firstly i am hugging you. Then.

I was a kid like 20yrs ago, and i was gifted, precocious, smart af kid with parents that encouraged me in everything i did, and as you may notice, i generally have a very forceful personality and a high opinion of myself, which was always the case. So i coasted on intelligence a lot, only doing assignments at last moment and all that classic stuff. As for the emotional disregulation, you gotta understand that adhd wasnt a thing 20-30yrs ago. Not even as a concept, not where im from. So i always knew i had a lot of emotions but i trained myself to control them, tho i really, really didnt succeed a lot of the time. I am also very charming and can talk my way out of almost anything, so i used that and all the other leverage to minimise the possible negative impact of what i now know was adhd shit on my life. I also think i was very lucky because i had a father that stood by my side come hell or high water, and i knew that even if i did fuck up, he'd support me without question, and a mother that would do the same, albeit in a different way (adhd has a genetic component and im p sure i got it from my momma). There were a lot of things that couldve probs be handled better, but hey, spilled milk and all that shit, im too tired to cry about it now. Kaiidth. :)

I think i was just quite lucky in some things. Also, my adhd got so much worse during covid than it ever was before, but the quality of life improved for me immensely after i finally got the correct diagnosis and meds. Before that, i just kinda ran with it? Adapted? Figured out ways to cheat the system (my awful brain)?

I dont know if this is in any way helpful. I hope you get the right diagnosis as soon as possible fron the bottom of my heart.

[genderfluid-fujoshi]

This autistic path has been already way too stupid and long

Since it was very clear to me that I'm autistic, I've been on a unending sending of tiktoks with neurodivergent info back and forth. Needless to say, I think we understand each other on a level that I just didn't think I would understand someone. Once you see how your brain works and why I does the stupid shit that scares you but also the things you like about yourself, you can't unsee it. And then you start seen it on others, some of them even say the wildest ableist crap! And you are there, trying to mask your: omfg, can't you see that you do this same shit?!?! - face.

So I was texting my siblings about a memory of them that came to me about their obsession with cheese. It's a cute story about a toddler eating almost 2oz of cheese in less than 2 minutes, somewhere in the conversation the fact I haven't talked with my progenitor in the last 3 months came up.

My sibling has always been the sharpest and brightest when it comes to make me cut my crap. I love them for that, they say the shit that one else would tell me but never with the intention of hurting me. So as I said, they are amazing at this, so they did the most incredibly precise thing they could do, and made a list of the things that she can now understand better because of her diagnosis, and how my progenitor has spend the last 50 years of their life not knowing or understanding what was different.

And then, it fuckin hit me.

They have been autistic for 50 years and didn't knew shit and couldn't even start to understand because they were the first generation to not get institutionalized when they started acting as a neurodivergent kid.

They don't know how to keep friendships beyond their work spaces, they don't understand a thing about healthy boundaries.

Because they only know abandonment or heavy attachment.

They are disregulated, emotionally immature... And autistic. And they didn't knew.

You can't ask someone to teach you healthy boundaries if they think that boundaries equals rejection.

At first I was sad for they, then a little bit angry and I couldn't grasp exactly why. The emotion didn't make sense on they, but it did on me.

Here I was, again, in the need to give them grace, to see beyond their actions, their lack of a support system, healthy and meaningful friendships... Again trying to understand, just for them to try to excuse themselves with some biodecodifing crap.

I know I'll reach acceptance, because I can see their actions through the same lens and it makes everything so much easier.

Hope is soon.

[okamirayne]

Burnout Recovery ❤️‍🩹

OUTPUT VS INPUT: Okay, I’ve learned that a major contributor of this loss of humanness, especially for creatives, can come as a result of intense output (what you give/how you expend energy) and very little input (what you receive/what fills you up/restores energy). The Output Issue can present as a kind of GO, GO POWER RANGER beast mode workaholism which makes you think that despite mounting stress levels, decreasing energy, and neglecting many key needs and values, you can still soldier the hell on, maintain your former pace, and run on fumes without crashing and burning: like Supernatural after 15 seasons😅

YOU ARE NOT JESUS-NO-JUTSU: Empathic personalises can also suffer from a kind of self-abandonment, as they tend to prioritise other people’s needs ahead of their own — in time this chronic behaviour will often make you sick. And that sickness can manifest differently (at varied levels of debilitation) for different people. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. Sometimes it can manifest as all four, because the nervous system is so very generous like that 🤦🏻‍♀️ . Do not crucify yourself to keep others from bearing their own crosses. By all means, if you have capacity, help lift the load, be kind and compassionate — just don’t nail yourself to the crosses you help to carry.

PUT PEACE/REST BEFORE PLEASURE: Self-care has become a popular mental health buzzword/term but it’s not a one size fits all. It requires you to discover what personally brings you calm and joy — and healing . Burnout can steal the joy part (which is why things that used to bring you pleasure may not — and that can feel very bloody scary). If this is the case, and you can’t find or feel the joy part just yet (very, very normal), then seek the CALM \ PEACE part instead. You do this by finding relief from the stress. Caveat: healthy relief. Substance abuse and addictive behaviours are just another form of self-abandonment in an attempt to escape/avoid pain (often, but not always, painful emotions). Here’s the kicker: We cannot avoid pain, it’s part of being human. Thems the rules, earthlings.

HEALING CAN HURT: Healing is not spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity. Healing can fucking hurt. It’s supposed to at times, because hurt shows you where you need to heal. It’s not easy. It’s not meant to be. But it can also be so full of Grace and unexpected beauty it’ll steal your breath — and not because it hurts.

UNDERSTAND SURVIVAL MODE: Sadly Burnout can reduce capacity to regulate and manage hurt / painful emotions, because your smoking burnout nervous system thinks you’re being hunted for sport or chased by an apex predator most of the time. Gods bless the nervous system. It’s a paranoid little fucker when it’s disregulated, but only because the poor little bastard has not been able to switch gears into “chill the hell out mode.” What broke your gears? Enter in chronic stress.

BEHOLD CHRONIC STRESS: Regarding burnout, this inability to switch into “chill the hell out mode” is often due to ongoing exposure to states of chronic stress. These states take many forms and impact different people in different ways. Prolonged exposure to something that makes me lose my shit and go screaming for the hills (or for Lindt Chocolate) might make you shrug your shoulders, shake it off, and go swanning about the rest of your day. We’re all wired differently — and that is especially true for introverts and extroverts (whole other topic). Best thing you can do regarding this topic is learn about the parasympathetic nervous system — the fancy term for CHILL THE HELL OUT MODE. It will HELP YOU HEAL. That’s its job.

Takeaways

FIND WHAT KEEPS YOU HUMAN. Not what keeps you a high-performing robot or a spiritual-bypassing Bodhisattva who risks martyrdom by sacrificing their humanness on the altar of other people’s needs. Humans can’t just OUTPUT, we also need INPUT. Sometimes we need boundaries to ensure we make time to discover / recover our input and experience relief and joy. And sometimes we just need to feel our hurt first or find our calm (regulate our nervous system) before we can find and feel our joy. Peace and Rest can be the road back to pleasure/healthy productivity, and your parasympathetic nervous system is the vehicle you need to be driving in. It’s a journey.

Dear Burnt-out Creatives: Journey well. I hope you heal ❤️‍🩹

~ Rayne 💜☕️

There are many other things that create this loss of humanness, but for the sake of not writing an essay-length post I selected 6 🙏🏼

[stephsycamore]

Tw: eating disorders, recovery (but like i guess positive???) Dni if it will trigger you though 💗

Friends!! This is my blog and i can say whatever the fuck i want i dont just have to review criminal minds episode by episode lol

Anyway, today marks 2 months of regular periods without using birth control to make them regular. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but i have never had a regular period without birth control making it so. While this doesn't mean i am for sure able to have a baby some day, it does mean i probably didn't permanantly fuck up my reproductive system in 10 years of anorexia. This is exciting for me. Even though cramps suck it sucks a hell of a lot less than slowly starving to death

I was anorexic for 10 years and started treatment in 2019. I have been weight restored since then. It has been really fucking hard and really shitty at times, but it has been worth it.

In 2018 when i decided to earnestly try recovery and to get into a program, I could feel my brain fuction declining. My emotional regulation was in the toilet, but then again it always was, but then my intellectual capacity was declining. And as vain as i was then, being smart mattered to me more. I could feel my brain fuction failing. Reading was hard. I couldn't write. I couldn't string ideas together anymore. I wasn't doing as well in my classes as I had been in the past. It was like a constant never ending brain fog.

People were noticing too. The emotional disregulation, the brain fog, and my body had never looked so frail. I was dying in front of their eyes. I had already been sick due to malnutrition before. But this was different because i wasn't hiding the sickness behind a party girl persona anymore. I wasn't sick in a 2010s indie sleeze way anymore. I was suddenly sick in a way that didn't look cool. That wasn't kinda glam.

But anyway. I am recovered today. Sometimes i still think about it. And i know my recovery is and might always be precarious. But it feels nice not to live that way anymore

[thoughts-feelings-musings]

17.1.23

Writing from my local Maccies init. Waiting for a bus. It’s like 2 degrees outside and I want to be in the warm. So I ordered fries and a chocolate milkshake. The fries were cold and the milkshake was banana. It tastes like medicine you have when you’re a kid.

Much to ponder on at the moment. I’ve pieced together some thoughts about the week after Christmas to the 2nd week of January.

It was all very out of character. But that felt ok, there’s been a lot of shifting in my identity during 2022 so I just felt it was more of that. If a bit drastic and a real 180. I’ve mellowed since then and I think maybe it was mania? Hypomania? I think it probably lasted quite a bit longer than that, but was escalating slowly so I didn’t notice until BAM- what the heck is going on!?! I’ll think about the lows another day. I need to process the high.

Looking back I’ve always- like most humans- displayed periods of being high, followed by lows. But they seem more extreme than most, but more dulled than the stories you hear. I’m not saying this is bipolar disorder. I don’t know that any kind of label will have any value.

The same behaviours and patterns were called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for 8 years. You can call it nervous system disregulation. You could probably give it a million labels and none would do much. All I know is that the pattern is there, I can identify the behaviours and feelings. That’s what’s useful.

The over the top sexual behaviour, all inhibitions lost. Feeling up all the time. Sleeping less and doing more. Madly excited. More confident than ever. Taking risks with safety- to an extent, my logical mind was still active so I sent A my love location. Just doing and feeling things I don’t now. Barely eating. Eating too much. Spending money like it’s nothing. Seeing P all the time. Wanting to be moving walking talking constantly.

Even dads music sounds less colourful? The hi hats less sparkly, the piano duller, the vocal line flatter.

I’m not attracted to W in the way I was, and I’m not sure I ever had genuine attraction? I’m unbothered with whether I see him again or not. And I know I’m using him a bit. A lot. For experience. For someone to message so I can hear myself talk. For a bit of adoration and compliment. I’d feel fine if we didn’t ever message again. Im not staying up to call him. I’m majorly indifferent. Not yet apathetic.

It’s surprising how out of my mind I was. Like I was not in myself. And to be honest I liked it. I miss that high. I miss that energy. But at the same time I need a break from it.

I miss my inhibitions being thrown out the window. I want to feel like that again. I need to give it some time.

I think there’s some positivity in it- it all reveals some truth that exists after the fact. But it doesn’t need to feel 170%, it can just be 40%. That’s ok.

The truth is: I want friends, I want to make my sexual debut, I want to go out, I want to flirt, I want to sing, I want to act, I want to be all I can be, I want to relax my control of myself. But I want all of that at 40% for now.

I don’t want to come down. That’s what I want to avoid, because I wouldn’t say I’m in a low period now, I’m pretty even keel, stable, 40%. But it feels like a drastic change to before. Normal feels low when you’ve been that high.

I’m right in thinking I don’t need the aid of substances. I should stay sober forever- for the greater good.

[thenamesblurrito]

Cybertronian neurodivergence and mental health

Psychiatry is a fairly well developed science on SNAP’s Cybertron, if only to better control people and fix them to serve the state. Or, on a darker note, to label dissenters and revolutionaries as mentally unstable and thus not worth listening to. People like Rung, Froid, Minitron, and Trepan are well-known figures in their field, but counselors and therapists are relatively common across Cybertron, mostly attached to corporations or funded by the state with the express goal of keeping everyone working smoothly. Even Beta Trion has a counseling license, which is why she’s one of the counselors at the JAAT.

Warning for discussion of mental illness, “normative” psychiatry, and discussion of ableism. Please note that this is a noncomprehensive list, and none of these terms are one-to-one representatives of human conditions, they’re only based off of them. The worldbuilding I’m doing here is not a statement about any real neurodivergence, mental illness, psychiatric system, or actual human being, and the values of the society I’m creating are very much opposite of my own.

Nonstandard circuitry

The Cybertronian term for neurodiversity. A convenient catch-all for any processors with “deviations” from forging, instead of issues developed over time. Those that make it difficult to easily sort mecha into functions or workspaces are usually called disorders and stigmatized in general society, and those that can be harnessed to improve or increase the amount of work a mech does are praised as dutiful, with all their detrimental symptoms ignored.

The state-controlled psychiatric system is hardly a neutral party in this, meaning every diagnosis, every medical file, every prescription, and every patient and practitioner is another cog in the machine, another manner of control. On a person-to-person level, there often is a genuine desire to help individuals and improve lives, but someone with a diagnosis of nonstandard circuitry will always have that marked as part of their ID. Their employers can see and use that. Because of the way everyone is assigned a function, a nonstandard individual won’t often struggle to find a job, but the types of jobs available to them will change.

Mostly, people have to choose between pursuing an evaluation and diagnosis to get help if they’re struggling, and avoiding diagnosis to have another aspect of themselves dissected into a set of manacles to chain them to their assigned function. Black market therapy has a strong, widespread community, but psychiatric mediations are too heavily controlled to be easily taken or copied, and bootlegs are dangerous.

Hyperfunction

A spectrum of several related conditions with related symptoms that vary in strength and effect. According to the diagnostic standards, a hyperfunctional person has a notable imbalance between social comfort and expertise in personal interests. For routines, skills, and subjects they are driven by or attracted to, they excel, hence they term “hyperfunction”, referring to their above-average ability in their particular areas of interest. This makes them very valuable to functionism, even if their interest turns to a detrimental obsession that interferes with the rest of their life.

Hypercalculative Regulation Hyperfunction

Based on autism. Mecha with HRH develop in a different manner than standard mecha, often struggling to learn common social norms and rules while soaking up all information of interest at a level higher than their peers. Their sensory nets are queued to different impulses, meaning relatively inconsequential feelings or sensations can become catastrophically painful, but certain stimulations are soothing and fun. They often require routine of some sort, predictable procedural schedules or actions they can rely on, with difficulty adjusting to unexpected change. Each individual will often connect with one or several particular special interests, becoming notable in their expertise. While each person is different and these interests usually have nothing to do with their frame’s function, they can often be assigned to work within their special interest, as their passion is valuable. Transmutate has been diagnosed with HRH. Prowl and his trine are likely on the upper end of this spectrum, although they’ve deliberately avoided evaluation.

Hypercalculative Divergent Hyperfunction

If HRH is comparable to the defunct distinction of “high functioning” or “mild” autism, HDH is “severe” autism. The two are just different levels of the same nonstandard circuitry, but functionism puts emphasis on diagnosing according to how easily someone can be used, thus the differentiation of “severity”. Going from the self-contained routine hyperfunction of HRH, mecha with HDH cannot function as a normal member of society. Common elements are a total lack of social skills to the point of little or no language development, aversion to touch and comfort, hypersensitivity, and meltdowns in response to an unpleasant situation. While mecha like these can be given work of sorts, they are considered more trouble than they’re worth, and often live a life of near-indentured servitude under adult caretakers.

Persistent Compulsion Hyperfunction

Based on OCD. Most commonly known by the flagship symptom of a compulsion to follow organization and routine, PCH has a much, much broader effect than that. A mech with PCH has to deal with intrusive thoughts and anxiety, often concerning contamination, violence, loss of control, or loss of morality. Relatively minor rituals like keeping symmetry and order in one’s physical environment keep some of the fear away, but often this can degenerate into complicated and objectively useless routines to assuage the intrusive thoughts, like checking precisely twenty times to see if the door has been locked. Compulsions like this can be draining and time consuming, even becoming dangerous in some cases, and only reinforce the fear after providing temporary relief. The meticulous and careful procedure of a mech with PCH is valuable for jobs that require thorough work, but more debilitating symptoms are usually shut down and medicated until the individual is competent enough to work again. Minimus has minor PCH, undiagnosed, but it may worsen as he ages. Fixit has been diagnosed with PCH and takes medication for it.

Executive Disregulation Hyperfunction

Based on ADHD. Commonly described as “an impulsivity in pursuing fulfillment”, it’s characterized by a short attention span, emotional disregulation and sensitivity, periods of intense energy and lethargy, inability to start or complete tasks, and chasing stimulation until said stimulation no longer provides entertainment. Because of their poor ability to regulate their executive function, many undiagnosed mecha are called lazy or idiotic for being unable to perform relatively simple actions or habits. Conversely, a subject that piques their interest will receive their full attention and effort. The adult Fireflight and the younglings Hot Rod, Skywarp, and Misfire all have EDH, although none of them are diagnosed.

Triple Fracture

This is the condition Blitzwing has due to his triple changer frame. It isn’t seen in any other frametype, hence it’s name. Triple-changers are uncommon enough to be easily targeted by the prejudices of functionism, but not the easily suppressed rarity that functionists wish they were. Aside from greater strength, durability, and flexibility, two alt modes don’t have much of an adverse effect on their physical health. The biggest negative stereotype about them is their “insanity”.

While nonstandard circuitry comes in many forms, the most feared and misunderstood version is triple fracture. It’s a mental disorder that occurs in less than five percent of triple-changers, but nevertheless it has gained synonymy with that frametype. For our case study, Blitzwing's processor functions in three sections: responsive, reactionary, and deflective. His responsive instincts manifest as the personality slice nicknamed “Icy”. This is the calmest, most well adjusted side of him, capable of taking time to think through and settle on a genuine response to a situation, but likely to switch out under duress. His reactionary instincts are nicknamed “Hothead”, and this is the personality slice that has an immediate reaction to stress, and who uses over-the-top anger and bluffing to push back against whatever is making him feel threatened. His deflective instincts show up as “Random”, acting out and adopting an attitude opposite of the mood around him to divert attention from the actual stressor and onto his own actions, which gives him a modicum of control.

He isn’t three separate people, and he isn’t even really three separate personalities. The different nicknames for the different personality slices are more of a tool for him to describe his current feelings than a set of actual names. He simply doesn’t have the ability to rationally choose a response to stimuli because of the three different filters his processor uses to perceive the world. Even his occasional crazier or more violent episodes occur because his instincts are trying to defend him. Triple fracture cannot be medicated either, because what might stabilize one slice will unbalance the other slices, and the processor as a whole will suffer. However, a triple changer with a good support system and coping mechanisms is perfectly capable of living a normal life, personality slices and all. They aren’t inherently bad, either. Blitzwing can more easily stand up for himself when in Hothead mode, and is very good at telling jokes and playing a room when in Random mode.

Modal Triple Fracture

Exactly like the above, except locked into what form a mech is currently in instead of switching out according to a situation. Sky Lynx has modal triple fracture. His responsive personality slice is tied to root mode, reactionary tied to beast mode, and deflective tied to shuttle mode. He stays in root mode most of the time to keep the most rational part of himself at the forefront.

Modal Personality Disorder

Sort of related to triple fracture, modal personality disorder causes a drastic mood swing whenever a mech transforms between root and alt mode, usually between a calm demeanor and a high-energy or intense demeanor. Unlike triple fracture, this does not involve separate personality slices, only mood swings. Since it’s caused by a specific variation in the morphcore section of the processor which controls the t-cog, it’s considered a processor malfunction type of nonstandard circuitry. It occurs more in modal frames than other frametypes. The adult Road Rage and the youngling Cliffjumper both have MPD, although only Road Rage is diagnosed. Diagnoses are disproportionately more common among beastformers, because of the stigma of “beast instincts” overwhelming one’s sapience.

Submechanoid Psychosis

A punitive psychiatric term based on the now defunct inadequate personality disorder. Colloquially known as feral syndrome, this term is less a genuine condition and more an excuse to label unsatisfactory beastformers as less than people. It refers to beastformers and occasionally toolformers who are violent, unintelligent, or otherwise have a personality not perfectly suitable to subservience. Many beastformers with genuine MPD are deliberately misdiagnosed with submechanoid psychosis. If Grimlock were ever to undergo an evaluation, he would likely be diagnosed with this, although he actually has MPD. Riptide, if he were a beastformer, would also probably be labeled as submechanoid.

Neurasthenia

Based on the now defunct neurasthenia. The condition of the high castes, neurasthenia causes fatigue, dissatisfaction, anxiety, migraines, weakness, and depression. It isn’t nonstandard circuitry, but rather a condition caused by too much stress and/or too little stimulation. It’s mostly diagnosed in upper class individuals, following the theory that the constant scrutiny of being an upper class example to society is chronically nervewracking. The symptoms and causes are poorly defined, with contradicting opinions from different psychological practices. The most common listed source of neurasthenia is overworking within an intangible function, such as the performance and emotional labor of a public figure. Prescribed treatments usually including some form of physical work with tangible results, so as to rejuvenate an individual’s motivation with real, concrete evidence of their ability and accomplishment.

Defunctional Disorder

Based on clinical depression. Characterized by lack of interest, demotivation, low moods, and lethargy and exhaustion, defunctional disorder is a relatively common mental illness. It can be caused both by forged nonstandard circuitry and stress from one’s situation. It’s labelled for the way it makes an individual less likely to adequately perform their function, but it has significant effect on day-to-day life and habits outside of work. A mech affected by defunctional disorder may fall into despair and hopelessness, self-hatred, or utter numbness, and may consider self harm or suicide. Dead End, Sideways, Swerve, and Buzzsaw all have defunctional disorder. Only Dead End and Buzzsaw have been diagnosed, but neither are medicated. Many people believe Alpha Trion must have it, hence his drinking problem.

Baseline Alarm Disorder

Based on paranoid personality disorder and anxiety. BAD often shows up as a comorbid condition with PCH. It’s caused by a constant triggering of a mech’s internal preservation and security systems, conjuring a sense of doom and danger at all times regardless of the current situation. Considered a processor malfunction type of nonstandard circuitry, a mech will suffer from paranoia, anxiety, illogical suspicion or mistrust even of a situation they know to be safe, panic attacks with acute physical fear responses, and intense stress and energy drain. Red Alert, Breakdown, and Spinister all have BAD, but only Spinister is diagnosed. He’s medicated, which is what inspired his fascination with medical mechanics.

Overclocking

A poorly defined “disorder”, overclocking refers to a processor overworking itself, moving too quickly to follow itself. This is usually a symptom of a larger condition, often HRH or EDH, but it’s also diagnosed as a standalone condition. Overclocking is characterized by scattered or nonsensical trains of thought, manic energy and following exhaustion, difficulty forming words or coherent sentences, abrupt movement coupled with aborted actions, uncontrollable tics, and a continual sense of restlessness, urgency, or inability to pause. It isn’t exactly rare on Cybertron, but it’s almost never diagnosed on Velocitron. An overclocking Cybertronian seeing a Velocitronian psychiatrist is unlikely to receive a diagnosis, but a Cybertronian psychiatrist is likely to label a normal Velocitronian as overclocking, simply due to their often speedy nature and cultural behavior. Blurr has a stutter, is quick and clumsy, and speaks with the typical speed of a Velocitronian, which means he would likely be incorrectly diagnosed with this condition.

Sporadic Hang Syndrome

This condition is basically the opposite of overclocking, instead causing a mech’s processor to pause, buffer, and/or restart a certain task or thought, often repeatedly. Some people have these problems only with certain actions or feelings, some only deal with it in stressful situations, and some have persistent trouble no matter what’s going on. Symptoms include freezing mid-word or action, forgetfulness, repetition of the same word or action, uncontrollable tics, and random and/or triggered long periods of “blankness” of no movement or sensation, the processor caught in an unresolved task or thought loop.

Autoexecution Syndrome

Caused by an error in loading and running scripts in the processor, a mech with autoexecution syndrome struggles with choices, changing routines, and executive function. Symptoms include improper ending of the recharge cycle, low impulse control, intrusive thoughts and acting before thinking, and compulsion to complete a sequence or routine before doing anything else. While it’s related to PCH and can be comorbid with it, autoexecution syndrome lacks the fear and anxiety aspect of PCH and is classified as processor malfunction nonstandard circuitry. Hubcap has autoexecution syndrome and is medicated for it.

Information Creep

Based on dementia and Alzheimer’s. A condition gained later in life rather than forged nonstandard circuitry, information creep occurs in a very old mech who’s running out of memory storage space. It’s occasionally called blurred data. Eidetic decay is normal in older memories as they are compressed and reformatted for deeper storage, but at some point the memory file itself becomes too corrupted to read or is deleted completely. A mech that has reached old age is almost certain to get information creep at least on a small scale. The condition becomes debilitating when the corruption starts encroaching on large portions of the memory, even into short-term memory. It causes difficulty knowing where or when one is, uncertainty as to who others are or what their significance is, problems following conversations, and anywhere from general absentmindedness to total loss of interaction with external stimulation. One would think that size null mecha are more prone to this, but that isn’t true. The percentage of size null mecha who suffer from more than just slight information creep is much lower than the percentage of older modern mecha who suffer the same. Medics and psychiatrists are unsure as to why.

Overwritten Information Creep

Similar to the above, except not caused by age, rather by an error in the processor that overwrites stored data rather than making a new folder in chronological order. This is uncommon, but can affect any age. Mecha affected will find themselves losing time, forgetting pieces of or entire memories no matter how recent or vivid, losing track of possessions, getting lost easily, and having difficulty connecting information with its source or correlation. Although no one pays attention to him enough to notice, Rung has overwritten information creep, hence his chronic forgetfulness.

Primus Apotheosis

A relatively recent term coined by Froid, primus apotheosis is suspected to affect 2% of all adults who have come in contact with the vigilante factions operating in Iacon. It’s characterized by excessive admiration or obsession with one or multiple faction members, idealization of their teachings to the point of blindly following, dysmorphia in their own frames and irrational belief that they ought to look more like these vigilantes, and abnormally increased interest for people and subjects outside of their assigned function, class, and cultural background. So far, a youngling’s typical overenthusiasm for a new interest has proven indistinguishable from primus apotheosis, so diagnoses are limited to adults. The condition is practically guaranteed in any survivor of relic corruption, usually with especially strong frame dysmorphia. Froid has had to do the majority of diagnosing himself, because that insufferable fool the Academy has hired as their chief counselor has the audacity to claim “primus apotheosis is absolute nonsense”.

Pathological Dissent

A punitive psychiatric term based on the now defunct sluggish schizophrenia, drapetomania, and general political abuse of psychiatry. Mecha diagnosed with pathological dissent are, without fail, rebels and activists of some sort. The official diagnosis claims that these people are “neurologically incapable of being satisfied with their inbuilt function”, therefore the state must take custody of them for their own health and wellbeing. It is by far the most dangerous label any individual could ever acquire. Froid and several others have remotely diagnosed the vigilante faction members with pathological dissent, and Impactor was also diagnosed with it prior to his execution.

[citrineghost]

On ADHD, Being Dramatic, and Being Lazy

Gather round everyone. It’s time for our every-few-monthsly post on ADHD by your local ADHD ghost. In this episode, we’re talking about ADHD and how it relates to “being dramatic” and “being lazy.”

On Being Dramatic

No doubt a lot of you have been told you’re being dramatic over the years. I know I have. There are a lot of reasons one might be dramatic, but they’re rarely about the drama.

If I’m to guess the origin of the word dramatic, I’d guess it probably has something to do with over exaggerating your response for the drama. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of people being dramatic - on tiktok and vine, on youtube... drama calls for dramaticism.

Do you want to know what isn’t dramatic? Genuine reactions. That’s right - genuine reactions, inherently, cannot be categorized as dramatic or hyperbolic. There is nothing about them that is being overdone with the intention of getting attention or entertaining other people. So, let’s talk a bit about how this conflation has hurt us as a community.

Growing up, everything I did was “dramatic.” Crying because I didn’t want to do more chores was dramatic. Having a panic attack because there was a spider in the room was dramatic. Freaking out because I needed people to stop touching me was dramatic. Getting angry when my mother made jokes about my sex life as a teen was dramatic (and apparently abusive, but that’s neither here nor there). Nothing I did that involved a noteworthy amount of emotion was anything, if not dramatic.

On Being Lazy

I know a lot of you have also been labeled as lazy over the years. “Lazy” is the diagnosis everyone loves to give to those who don’t do enough, in their eyes. If you “could have” done something and then “chose not to,” you’re lazy... right?

Growing up, I was lazy too. I was lazy for avoiding housework. I was lazy for not wanting to brush my teeth. I was lazy because I didn’t turn in my homework. I was lazy for staying in bed, on my computer, most of the day.

If I’d only just “applied myself,” or if I would just “put in the work,” then I would be respectable to the people around me. But, because I wasn’t “willing” to put in the time and effort, I was lazy.

Why Is Emotion Dramatic?

The short answer is: it’s not. The real question is, why do people seem to perceive emotion as being dramatic? These are real emotions, after all - real and genuine feelings that are being dismissed as playacting. There are a number of reasons.

Why Are We Lazy?

Again, the short answer is: most people aren’t. The question here is, why do people see others not doing something and assume it’s because they simply don’t want to put in the work? Why do they not seek out an explanation or consider other alternatives? There are a number of reasons for that too.

The Answer...

Editing to put a Read More here because it’s very long

(TW for each of these sections in their name)

1. Sexism

At its core, seeing emotional outbursts or responses as dramatic is inherently rooted in sexism. Whether you’re a boy or a girl, man or woman, if your emotions are being mocked, it’s almost definitely because of our world’s history of sexism and relating emotion to women, who are “illogical” and “just want attention.”

And “real men” work! They work hard! They work long hours! They put themselves into an early grave, with pride, by never sitting down to rest! For this very reason, women, housewives of decades past, were expected, after a long day of doing housework and caring for the children - things that are just as exhausting as a full time job - to dote on their husbands who had just returned from work expecting a hot meal and a beer to be ready for them. Her work is devalued. It wasn’t grueling or tiring or important. It was just “women’s work.” A wife who does all of the housework and child rearing and fails to provide a hot meal and a warm body to her husband is “lazy.”

This is further shown to affect men as well. We can see, as early as non-manual labor-based jobs existed, the men who took them were lesser. Men who work at computers are seen as nerds and geeks - weak. Men who work in universities, coming up with new solutions to our medical needs and discovering the mathematics we need for space travel and advanced technology - they’re weak too. They’re unimportant to society because they’re not willing to get their hands dirty. Those men who prefer artistry are called gay and seen as disposable. It is irrelevant to the conservative man that his artistic counterpart designs everything that fills his home and office - that without artists we would have nothing.

2. Racism and classism

You might be surprised, but racism and classism both have their hands in this as well. I’m talking full on systemic oppression. The ability for people in power to look down on those they see as beneath them for being emotional or passionate about a topic or incident is all about power. You can see a million examples of this today. POC are called dramatic or are implied to be blowing things out of proportion by conservative white people because they want equal rights and feel they’re being treated unfairly. Their emotions are dismissed as irrational and dramatic. 

The cries of the poor, whether white or of color, are mocked. They have no reason to be having the emotions they’re having because they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in if they weren’t “lazy.” After all, only lazy people don’t have money. Only lazy people can’t get work. If they had just “applied themselves,” they would have an income, a home, and ample food on the table.

3. Ableism

And, last but not least, we have ableism. The neurotypical and abled people of the world, at large, cannot understand the experiences of the disabled, both emotionally(those with mental illnesses, disorders, and so on(whether or not certain disorders can be categorized as a disability in a just society is another topic entirely, but they are regarded that way, generally)) and physically.

If you have sensory overload, you are being irrational. It doesn’t matter to a NT if this is caused by an actually chemically different response in your brain. It doesn’t matter if it’s Real To You. To them, it doesn’t make sense, and so you deserve no compassion for your experience. Your emotional response is dramatic.

If you have executive dysfunction, you are simply choosing not to do your work. It doesn’t matter that there is an actual reason, buried in you somewhere, for why you have become Stuck. It doesn’t matter if you feel crippled by this aspect of your life. They see that you have neglected to do something they deem easy. Therefore, you are “lazy.”

ADHD and Being Dramatic

For those of us with ADHD, being called dramatic is a very familiar experience. After a while, we begin to internalize it. We must be dramatic, right? After all, so many different people have told us we are - and for good reason. We do tend to get overly emotional.

So the question is, why? Why do we get overly emotional? Why are our emotions so much different than those of our NT peers?

1. Lack of Emotional Regulation

A big part of ADHD, which is not yet a diagnostic criteria, is our emotional disregulation. ADHD, inherently, comes with some amount of disregulation in our emotions. We have a hard time controlling the emotions that we feel and managing the intensity of them. They may come across as overly intense, or they may seem subdued, both for reasons we can’t possibly figure out as individuals. This disregulation is entirely out of our control, happening at a neurological level. Our brain chemicals don’t work as they should. But, no matter how unregulated our emotions are, they are still real. We do still feel them, exactly as intensely as we think we do. Disregulated does not mean made up.

2. RSD

If you knew about RSD before, or you’ve read my last post on ADHD (under my tag adhdghost), which has gained some popularity, you already know what this means. For those who don’t, RSD is short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition plagues something like 99.9% of people with ADHD (while not being ADHD exclusive.) It comes with the lack of emotional regulation and means we have a reaction, that seems out of proportion (or “dramatic”), relative to the thing that caused it.

In short, RSD episodes can look like an entire breakdown, a very sudden loss of any self esteem or confidence, the feeling that you are certain someone now hates you or has secretly always hated you, and/or an immediate need to get rid of the thing that caused it. These episodes are caused by any kind of perceived failure or disappointment. They can be caused by someone whose opinion or relationship we value who gives us a slightly judgmental look, someone saying they don’t understand why we like the thing we’re interested in, or even not living up to our own expectations. These episodes frequently lead to emotional outburts, episodes, breakdowns, and tears. Naturally, all of this is “dramatic,” despite it being very real and painful for those experiencing it.

3. Combination with Other Things

Emotional disregulation can interact with other parts of our lives as well. For instance, I have a lot of phobias. My reactions to seeing or being around the things that terrify me can be even more intense than how most people react to their phobias. They can cause anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns, and lasting fear for hours or days after. My recovery from these instances is hindered by my inability to regulate the feelings they caused.

Emotional disregulation can also interact with triggers, trauma, sensory problems, etc.

ADHD and Being Lazy

And of course, if you struggle with ADHD, you want to know, “Why am I so lazy?” The answer is: you’re not! Laziness is a made up word. Laziness was created to pass blame onto people who struggle to do things that more typical people can accomplish with ease.

So, what is the reason we struggle to do these seemingly simple tasks?

1. Executive Dysfunction

This is The Big One. Of all the things that can cause an inability to do things, executive dysfunction is the Achilles heel of ADHD. Because ADHD causes a difficulty with prioritizing, rewarding actions with no immediate reward, and creating a list of steps for us to take (something that comes naturally to NT people), we sometimes get “Stuck.”

This feeling of being stuck may look like us just having fun and avoiding our responsibilities. You may be Stuck right now, scrolling through tumblr mechanically even though you’ve been needing to pee for three hours. Naturally, you’ve been wanting to go to the bathroom... you just don’t know how.

To a NT, this sounds ridiculous. “Just get up and go?!” I’m sure you can imagine your parents saying, when they simply don’t understand. The truth is, tumblr can be a nightmare for executive function. It endlessly scrolls, giving you post after post. There’s no natural stopping point. You keep an eye out for a natural end to this activity, but it’s hard to find the right post to stop on. If you find those, “This is your sign to go to bed,” posts helpful - otherwise locked into the activity of scrolling regardless of whether you want to - you might be struggling with executive dysfunction.

This inability to “queue” our actions or prioritize what we need to do, and in what order, can wreak all kinds of havoc in our lives. You remember you didn’t really understand that equation the math teacher explained earlier. You know today’s homework is related to its use. Therefore, you cannot start your homework. There are a number of possible solutions floating around your head. Maybe the book will explain it better. Maybe your parents know how to do this and you could ask them. Maybe you could Google it. It’s possible the homework is about something else. But, if it is, what if you don’t understand that? Maybe you should ask your teacher before class?

Even though you have all of these solutions in your head, because you don’t know which solution is the best solution, you find yourself unable to do any of them. You show up to class with no homework and your teacher gives you a disappointed look. “I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more. You’re a very smart student.” The remark brings you to holding back tears, because you want, with every fiber of your being, to apply yourself and make your teacher proud, but you simply don’t know how.

This is the destructive nature of executive dysfunction, and it is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Distraction

For those with ADHD, the inability to regulate external stimuli makes focusing incredibly hard. You wake up one morning and plan to start that English paper after breakfast. You go to get yourself some cereal. You’re out of milk. You decide to make toast instead. You burn your toast because you lost track of time for just 30 seconds. You go to throw it away, feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt over the two pieces of bread you wasted. The trash is overflowing. You decide to take it outside. It’s a really nice day out. Maybe you should take your dog for a walk. You haven’t taken her on a walk in a while and you’re just now feeling motivated to, so you should take advantage of that. You go to retrieve your dog and take her for a walk. When you bring her back in, you go to get her treats from the shelf in the laundry room. Oh yeah, you’d been meaning to do laundry. You go to get your laundry hamper from your room and notice there’s a bunch of laundry on the floor. You begin picking up the laundry from the floor. You may as well tidy up the other things on the floor as well. You finally get around to taking your laundry to the washer. You’re out of soap. Maybe you ought to make a run to the grocery store. You take ten minutes to find your keys and wallet and then head out to the grocery store. When you get there, you’ve forgotten what it was you needed. “Oh, right! I’m out of milk!” You go and retrieve milk. When you get to the checkout and the cashier rings you up, you suddenly remember you need laundry soap. Well, it’s too late now. You’ll have to do laundry tomorrow. You can’t risk the cashier giving you a tired look by asking them to wait. You go home and make some cereal. You can’t really write while you eat, so you open tumblr. you scroll through tumblr for a while. Your cereal gets soggy, you notice, disappointed. You see a tumblr post reminding you that you forgot to order something important online that you need to get here as soon as possible. The day continues in this way until you finally realize at 5pm that you never started your paper. “It’s so late now... I’ll just start it tomorrow morning,” you tell yourself. Rinse and repeat.

If you relate to this, you might want to consider researching ADHD a bit, because this is a very typical ADHD experience.

3. Hyperfixation and Hyperfocus

The last prominent reason why people with ADHD are seen as lazy has to do with a cycle in hyperfixation and hyperfocus.

If you don’t already know, hyperfixations are those interests you have that fill you with an overwhelming love and which take up an incredible amount of your time, energy, and brain space. These could be fandoms, hobbies, characters, games, or otherwise.

Hyperfocus, on the other hand, can be related to hyperfixations or things that aren’t hyperfixations. Hyperfocus is when you get “locked in” on a task and can’t seem to put it down. If you started this post not knowing how long it was and find yourself still raptly reading, completely ignoring the world around you, you may have hyperfocused on it. If you ever start cleaning and just can’t stop until the whole house is clean, despite your lack of regularly cleaning for over a month, you are hyperfocusing on cleaning. If you write a 20k word fic in one night, you are hyperfocusing.

Hyperfocusing can leave you completely unaware of the world around you, causing you to neglect your own basic needs, such as food, bathroom breaks, water, and social interaction. 

Because people with ADHD are able to occasionally apply themselves to such an extreme degree, NT people don’t understand why ADHD people are unable to apply themselves to other things as well. The reason we can’t is because we do not regulate our hyperfocus. Hyperfocus comes from tasks that are giving us serotonin, to make up for our brains inability to give serotonin in the way it should - in the way NT brains do. Emptying the dishwasher just felt really good. The next thing you know, you’re filling it with more dishes and wiping off counters and sweeping the floor and, “oh god, it looks so nice what if I just-” and then you move on to the laundry and the living room and the bedroom and then somehow 6 hours have passed. You don’t know how it happened, but now your house is clean and you feel amazing... but also tired and hungry. So you go make some food and then pass out on the couch.

So, when NT people see this kind of laser focus, they demand to know why you couldn’t do that simple math assignment, or why you haven’t been returning their texts, or why you couldn’t apply the same level of energy and enthusiasm on that really boring geography project. They demand to know why you’re so “lazy” the rest of the time.

There’s also the element of hyperfixation. It is the ultimate distraction. Your parents tell you to do the dishes and you say you will. Suddenly, you’ve found a fanfiction about your hyperfixation and you can’t stop reading it. It’s 60k words long and it will take you all day, but you’ll find a break to do your chores somewhere in there, right?

Your mom is suddenly knocking on your door what feels like 5 minutes later, but it’s been an hour. She wants to know why you didn’t do the dishes yet. You’re upset at yourself, but you lash out at her, because you’re unable to regulate your emotions. “I’ll do it in a minute!” you say loudly from behind your door. She walks off, irritated. You ask yourself why you can’t just do it now. Why does it feel impossible to tear yourself away? Your hyperfixation is the ultimate creator of hyperfocus. It rules you.

Before you know it, it’s midnight. You’ve finished the fic. It was amazing. You realize with dread that you still haven’t done the dishes, so you sneak out to the kitchen, hoping your parents have gone to bed. They have, but you find the dishes have already been done by someone else. Suddenly, you’re holding back tears from the RSD episode this has triggered. You ruined everything. You disappointed your parents. You’re a lazy and terrible child and they deserve better.

The truth is, you’re none of those things. In fact, you’re struggling with one of the most difficult mental blocks someone can have. But to others, you’re just making excuses. To others, you should have been able to just do the dishes and then go back to reading. But you know it’s not that easy. But why?

It’s ADHD, Babey!

If this post is hitting hard in a way that feels like your life is being splayed out before you, you might just have ADHD.

The fact is you are not dramatic and you are not lazy. You are struggling with a lot of ADHD symptoms that are making functioning in a neurotypical world incredibly difficult. This world was designed by and for NT people. Your worth is not based in how you live up to their expectations.

If you think you might have ADHD, it might be time to ask your doctor about getting an ADHD evaluation. Please check out my last post (the one i mentioned is under my tag adhdghost) to get more information on RSD and on getting evaluated.

An Important Note

Many experiences and struggles caused by ADHD are also present in other disorders. For example, RSD can be seen frequently in autism as well as in anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Sensory overload, emotional disregulation, executive dysfunction, and so on, can all be present in things other than ADHD. If you want to know if you fit the criteria for ADHD, go check out the criteria on the ADDitude website, which is a great source for ADHD related information.