#and that she’s more stressed than I am about my job interview

[raeathnos]

.

[felmonth]

(Edited and slightly better developed! Will be updated until further notice)

Hey, neighbors! I am alive! XD

AAAAH! I finally managed to finish Tom's sheet, but for Au "Actors," the author of this AU is @ frillsand. I've been wanting to create drawings related to this AU for a while now, and there are still comics that I want to share.

Wally won my heart -cries- 😭💘, of course, haha. I'll be sharing with you all the comics that come to mind regarding this AU.

WARNING: Before proceeding, this may contain sensitive content, you have been warned. I hope you enjoy the extended blog and the extra mini-comic to lighten the mood.

Well without anything else to say about it...let's start with Tom Sweetheart, the stylist!!

Tom Actor's Story:

In a town called "Titirilquén," Tom Sweetheart grew up alongside his mother and brother Diego Sweetheart. They depended on each other for everything. They didn't own a television, but they would find TVs on in stores where mostly there were news and interviews with celebrities. Both of them dreamed of becoming actors inspired by the experiences shared by those celebrities on television. Their school further fueled their interests, as it offered a theater subject and a variety of art-related courses.

At school, Diego exhibited a captivating personality in his school theater performances, earning admiration from everyone. However, Diego felt uncomfortable because nobody paid attention to his brother, who was also improving with each performance and costume. Therefore, Diego decided to involve his brother in everything to make him stand out just like himself...

Over time, the school grants Diego a special scholarship that involves working in one of the largest studios in Titirilquen despite being very young. This news greatly delights Diego, so he mentions it to his brother about this opportunity to become what they wanted to be at that time. Unfortunately, those who gave Diego the opportunity were very disappointed when he brought Tom to work with him, so they reluctantly accepted Tom only because Diego requested it.

When Diego was not around Tom, they assigned him different tasks than what an actor should do, completely deviating from the agenda that Tom had planned for the week. This led him to become overloaded with tasks, but he didn't complain because he thought it had to happen when living the life of an actor.

Diego and Tom were the first young actors (They were about 20 years old, Diego 22 and Tom 20) in the Titirilquén studio. They initially performed in a few presentations for a museum, and then the director decided to create a program with them. Both did their best until they became somewhat more known thanks to the news in their town, and Tom was no longer as ignored as when he first joined. They reached a broader audience, leading them to want to learn more about the people in their town. So, they started learning sign language and refining their voices for musical sections to begin a small program aimed at families.

Both were directed by the same assistant, "Ron," but due to unforeseen circumstances, he had to retire because he had to move to another country for another job opportunity where he could earn more money to support his family. They had a new assistant, a woman named "Jenny" (She was 24 but was not interested in working with puppets.) and from this moment, problems arose. The new assistant was serious and easily stressed when the director had to tell her what to do. As a result, she left the job of directing to the two young actors.

This assistant was starting to have too many problems with the brothers, she envied that both brothers mentioned the previous assistant's actions. However, they did not say this with bad intentions but rather so that he could do his job well, since the director was demanding regarding what should be on the schedule of both brothers. Over time, the work environment between them improved, but something was missing in the assistant's life, the brothers did not say many things to her or chat with her, but instead spoke only among themselves.

One day, Jenny overheard a conversation between the two brothers about the previous assistant. Jenny misinterpreted this as a threat to her job and felt worthless to both brothers. He decided to come up with a plan with his fellow students. The plan was to put one of the brothers in a problematic situation so that she could do something to help them and get recognition for it because according to her, the brothers did not value her.

The chosen target was Tom, as Jenny considered him weak and incapable. After finishing his singing section of the show, Tom left the studio to take a break and have a drink.

He noticed that his co-workers near a restaurant were calling him to chat, Tom without noticing any suspicion in them, approached them with great joy, because he admired what his co-workers were doing in the studio.

And being recognized and starting a conversation by them was a great joy for Tom, since he always lived underestimated as just a simple doll who cannot stand out among humans.

Unfortunately, there were ulterior motives. While they were talking to Tom normally, they took him behind the studio, which looked like an alley, and there a cruel scare developed. These coworkers mentioned negative things when they entered the alley and Tom felt uncomfortable by his coworkers' sudden mood swings. He tried to back away, but was easily caught. While saying negative things, they gradually destroyed parts of his body, including arms, legs, wrists, and fingers. They showed no concern for the little puppet's screams and fear because, to them, he was just a doll that couldn't feel pain, or so they claimed, they made fun of him for being too dramatic when he screamed.

When this situation came to an end, the group of companions left, leaving him alone, Tom remained on the ground, crying without understanding how the situation took such a sudden turn. Just a few moments ago everything was fine and now he was helpless on the ground, motionless. He could only see the cotton sticking out of his body and his limbs outside his body, he could only move his head at the moment, he felt completely useless. He prayed that his brother would find him and help him, but then Jenny appeared, pretending to be worried about Tom. She helped him in this terrible situation and took him to the emergency tailoring service.

Now, with Tom recovered, he was mentally depressed and shattered. He looked at his stitched-up body and felt very insecure about venturing into the streets inhabited by humans. He didn't want to go through a similar situation again, so his only support rested on Jenny.

Tom was immensely grateful to her for helping him in this terrible and stressful situation. After a few long minutes of silence, he told his assistant that he didn't want to continue his acting career. This surprised Jenny, but she said nothing and just listened, offering ideas. She felt quite good about helping Tom in these moments of stress. She informed the director about this decision, and of course, he was very concerned and saddened, especially when Tom requested not to inform his brother.

When Tom was discharged on the same day as the accident, he didn't want to go home because a thought crossed his mind: he had always depended on his brother and was only causing him problems. So, with a heavy heart, he decided to distance himself from his brother. The assistant supported all of Tom's ideas, including the idea of complete separation. She was happy that Tom depended on her, so she found him a job outside the country without consulting him.

From Diego's perspective, after the accident, he found it strange that his brother didn't appear on the show. He asked the director why there were sudden changes in the program and why his brother wasn't there. The director decided to be tough with him, saying they hired him and not his brother. He gave Diego new rules for the new direction of the show. Diego was devastated by this news. He considered quitting his job but thought better of it; he wanted to see his brother at home.

When he arrived home, there were no traces of his brother or his belongings. He tried calling him, but there was no phone coverage. In his desperation, he contacted the authorities to inquire about his brother, but they only started working after at least two days of being missing.

This situation was stressful for Diego and his mother. They were very worried and considered various possibilities of what might have happened. Tom decided not to tell them anything when offered a call by the authorities and declared that he wouldn't return home. His family was concerned because they heard a weak voice through the phone, but it was all they could do as the studio was too secretive with the information.

Both brothers remained separated for a long time. For Diego, nothing was the same without Tom, and the show looked depressing. Despite this, he maintained a forced smile for his audience. Children asked a lot about his brother, leading him into deep depression.

Tom, moved to another country, working in a new studio as a stylist. He adopted a fearful, anxious, and panicked attitude, afraid of everyone. To distract himself, he overloaded himself with work, trying to maintain composure by breathing deeply. He couldn't stop thinking about his family, and he knew what he was doing wasn't healthy, but he wanted to stay away for a while.

Well, that's roughly the story. It's long, but I feel that now it's better understood than before. Thanks for staying to read and loving Tom Actor! -cries-

Curious facts about Titirilquén today:

Lately, I've been hooked on a series called "31 minutos," so I included some things from that series. I highly recommend it, it's in Spanish, but there are English subtitles available. Titirilquén is from that show.

Titirilquén doesn't have hospitals because literally no one gets sick there. However, there are places like Mrs. Juanita's service, who takes care of the damaged puppets in this town.

Titirilquén was a town of only puppets but tired of being anonymous and as an unknown town, they decided to include people in their town, building a civilization, the negative of the town only benefits the humans that its own puppet inhabitants.

Facts about Tom:

(Diego's data was deleted to create his respective sheet)

He is 27 years old now.

He speak spanish but he learned English thanks to Jenny.

He is very naive, and that works against him, as he decides to trust everyone.

He has a puppet friend in this studio and his name is Lulu but he affectionately calls him "Wolfy" After going through hell with Jenny, he dates Wolfy but that's when he realizes he doesn't want a romantic relationship.

When he first arrived at the studio, the studio people confused him with Wally, so since that day, some just call him "Pink Wally." (This is due to his height, skin tone and hair shape, so Tom changed his look to messier hair to not look like Wally)

Tom is a very good worker, but he always hides after finishing his work and doesn't get distracted by anything while working. If a human talks to him, he ignores them, but if it's a puppet, he takes time to chat.

Despite hiding, he is found by children, most of whom are human.

He misses being an actor but is very afraid.

Alongside his brother, they worked on a children's educational program called "Sing until Counting to 3." They taught children songs that included sign language. However, when they leave, the program is completely forgotten by the director.

Tom and Diego are not the same height, Jack has to bend down to hug and talk to him.

Tom usually wears makeup, always in pink or fuchsia, which is his favorite color.

Tom often sees little due to his poor eyesight, so he sometimes needs glasses to see clearly, but he usually doesn't use them because he finds them unnecessary.

Tom has fallen in love with Jenny because of her concern for him but by the time they are "boyfriend and girlfriend" Jenny ignores him, she is with him out of pity. Sometimes Jenny yells at him and hits him when he is loving with her.

As you can see, Tom is afraid of humans, and you rarely find him crying in studio places where people don't live, or even paranoid. If you find him in this situation, make him feel comfortable because he is completely unstable at that moment.

People consider him strange and curious because he often hides and is fearful, and they don't understand why he behaves like that. (It doesn't mean he avoids bad situations with the studio's humans; some of them respect the puppets, while others decide to hate them.)

Tom in this Au has a human brother, in the style of muppet protagonists. His name is Diego Sweetheart and they are both very close and have achieved many things together by working as a team. Diego is very attentive to his puppet brother, caring for him and trying to understand him as best he can.

Will Tom manage to become an actor again? Will his life improve? Will his brother Jack locate him after a long time? Will Tom continue to call himself unfortunate? Find out in the next episode... *Felmonth bids farewell to the viewers watching the video.*

NOW, COMIC! YAY!!

Title: "First unlucky day"

Reference movie: "White Chicks"

I don't know what Janet's design is like, I didn't find any reference, so I made it with what I found.

And well that was all, I hope you liked everything, I did the best I could and as always if there are questions ask without problems.

Bye byeeee!

Extra: It is assumed that in this unplanned part, Wally told Tom "Consider yourself unlucky for working with me from now on." (No canon for me xD but extra)

Bye uwu)/💐

[yannaryartside]

A revision of Claire’s “pushing” and who really benefits from it

A list of red flags I have been thinking about.

gif by @felixcarlucci

I was reading this post and reflecting on why it felt, like @brokenwinebox mentioned, that Carmy was always in the passenger seat in the relationship with Claire (physically and metaphorically); their post is amazing, by the way, talking about this concept of "pushing" and how it should be a mutual thing.

I want to go back to the party and the context of Carmy and Claire's past. All of it is enhanced by that interview with Molly we have been discussing.

My biggest question here is:

Why? Why the hell Claire "could tell" that Carmy wanted a relationship with her? They hadn't spoken in more than a decade, for real, wtf kind of signal did she see that he wanted to be with her? Does she think he has been in love with her all this time? Did she get that idea when she supposedly met Mickey? Because if she pursues Carmy, assuming he has feelings for her but only assuming this because of what other people told her, that is kinda fucked up. It all goes back to Fak being the one that tells her that Carmy loved her after all that shit he said while being stuck in the fridge. I swear to God that the more Molly says things favoring ClairexCarmy, the more red flags I see. Did Claire pursue Carmy knowing it would be a sure thing. "Oh yeah I remember you, you had the most obvious crush on me"

There is also the context of both of them growing up in the same spaces, Carmy very shy and Claire a very popular girl. Did she hear how lonely that was, which made her assume he was avoiding her because of a lack of social experience?

In their first phone call, she never let him explain if he was bussy, even after all that talk of her being supportive of the restaurant she said "don't make this weird," Claire was completely dismissing that Carmy was indeed doing something important to him; she never offered to work around both of their schedules, almost like she knew that if she "pushed" enough, she would get what she wanted.

And even that, their first date or hangout is not to a coffee place, maybe a restaurant with Claire actually interested in Carmy's profession and passion, or any other place they could get to actually know each other after, I repeat, a decade of not seeing each other. She brought him to a party.

She knows the Berzattos and how gatering will go on their avail, she knows Michael will set things on fire, she knows he comes from a family of addicts, and she knows carmy had difficulties on social environments (we can assume by the pictures they had around, taht Carmy attended to her birthday party and other stuff surely).

So why the fuck, on their first "date," not only does she insist on going to a party, but she tells him that he "owns her" to go there? Where there is alcohol and other people that he may felt rejected for as a kid? She knows this is a scenario that may cause him anxiety or discomfort, and she insists he must go. Maybe I am projecting a little bit here, since I am autistic, and at some point in all my friendships or relationships, I have to have a conversation about places that, because of my disability, I don't enjoy.

(little note aside: the excuse "my friend needs me" to convince him to go was utterly pathetic. Almost as much as "you own me.")

But what does this mean coming from Claire in the "pushing" thing? Does she feel she can push him to become (kinda by force) the person that will hang out in the same places as she does, assuming that is still what he wants?

She also knows that he probably felt cast aside from social events because of his shyness, and she invites him to provide all the things that may cause her to look like his only anchor in this stressful scenario.

She brought him the soft drink, tried to tell other people what a cool job he has, and told him what to do to comfort and upset a friend of hers. It felt like she was walking him on a tutorial on "how to be normal," and I didn't like that at all. Again, I may be projecting here, but the dynamic was kind of hollow regardless.

It is not like it is bad for Carmen to socialize and whatever. But she removed his agency completely; it feels like manipulation on many levels because she has perceived a lot of his struggle in this area; she also ignored his first reaction to going to the party and flipped her way. Carmy ended up trapped with a lot of immature young adults with whom he definitely has nothing in common. There was no space for actual empathy or connection to him to "come out of his shell." His conversations with Sydney are so natural because of this; there is connection and mutual respect, and he was very out of his shell with her.

The Pushing between Carmy and Syd this next season will likely be in a professional context but also rooted in a (future) agreement on mutual collaboration. But my feelings about this are not only for sydcarmy.

The "pushing" in ClairexCarmy was always in the context of Claire getting what she wanted and Carmy having to force himself to make it happen. There was no discussion, no middle ground, not even a recognition of why certain things have been difficult for you in the past; it is not an actual intention of helping to heal, but an expectation of the other to go your way "because they want you/love you. Claire is sure that only because of her will he want to change, and she will gain his heart by providing the scenario for all these things Carmy desperately wanted as a kid. I am sorry, Storer, if this is the love story you want to sell us, a salvation of all lonely/hurt people, I am very sorry, I hate it with all my heart.

[yelenasdiary]

Here's a little Yelena Drabble idea for you if you're interested. 😊 The reader is having a remote interview on their laptop, and they're nervous. Yelena is standing in front of them out of view of the interviewer, encouraging them and trying to make them smile.

Drabble || You Worry Too Much!

Pariring: Yelena Belova x Fem! Reader (Platonic)

Summary: Yelena tries her best to make you less nervous and stressed during an important interview.

Fluff

Warnings: None, this is not corrected or proof-read | 0.6K

AC: I hope it's okay I write this as a platonic fic, I haven't written one in a while and I thought this would be a great idea to do so! I hope you enjoy! x

10:15am the time read on your laptop as you sat patiently in the zoom call waiting room, all your notes and possible question answers sat on one side of you while a glass of cold water sat on the other side. In 15 minutes you were able to have an interview for a new job. It was time for a change, time to leave the cafe that you worked tirelessly at just a few blocks away from your apartment.

You were having a quick read over the notes in your notepad when Yelena let herself in with a smile on her lips and a coffee in one hand. "Good morning" she greeted, placing the coffee next to the glass of water beside you.

"Yelena? W-what are you doing here? Did you forget that I have a really important interview today?" you asked with a worried tone.

"Nope, I didn't forget" she replied, making her way to the sofa, "You've been stressed about this interview all week, I'm just here to keep you company" she added as she sat down and grabbed one of last week's trash magazines that sat on your coffee table.

"Could you please just go wait in my bedroom?" you suggest, not wanting her to distract you.

"Don't worry, you stress too much!" she chuckled, "I won't distract you....much" she added with a playful smirk.

You didn't have time to respond to your best friend as the screen on your laptop changed and you were greeted with a middle-aged man in a business suit.

"Good morning Miss Y/L/N, thank you for join me today. I know we spoke over the phone last week but it's nice to put a face to voices" the man smiled, "I'll try not to keep you long" he added. He seemed a little more laid back than all your past interviewers, it helped a little take some of the nerves you were feeling away but not enough to feel completely comfortable and confident.

"Smile" Yelena mouthed, using a small wave to get your attention.

You gave the man the generic fake smile and thanked him for taking the time to interview you for the position. "I like to get the harder questions out of the way, so, why don't you tell me why you think you would be great for this position" he said.

Your eyes glanced over to your notes, "I believe that I am a hard worker, I love working with others and meeting deadlines. I have a high attention to detail and..." you started, pausing for a moment to look back at your notes. Yelena shook her head, "very reliable" she mouthed slowly so you could understand her.

"I'm very reliable and I find great satisfaction in organising and filing. You'll find that not only am I fun to be around, I will get the job done. I am always willing to put myself out there and help others, I love sharing ideas and I am always trying ways to gain more skills in many different areas" you added.

You felt confident in your answer and saw that Yelena was giving you a thumbs up which also reminded you to smile.

As the interview we on, Yelena helped here she could, mouthing words for you to use and always reminding you to keep giving a smile here and there. With every moment that passes you slowly but surely became more confident within yourself, your eyes caught the message that was writing on your coffee cup, "you've got this" with a little smiley face quickly made you thankful for Yelena letting herself in.

"Well, I think that's all on my end. You should hear back from me by the end of the coming week, thank you again for time" the man smiled.

"Thank you, I appreciate this opportunity" you replied, giving the man one last smile before he said goodbye. You closed your laptop and looked up at Yelena, "Thank you, I can't believe you really helped me feel more confident" you spoke.

"Like I said, you worry too much! Now grab your coffee, I'm starving" Yelena replied.

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[moonstruckme]

Okay sorry I don’t want to burden anyone I know irl so rant below ! Cw for anxiety maybe? Please feel no need to read, everything is fine in my part of the world :)

I’m graduating on Saturday and that’s already more scary than exciting unfortunately, but a couple of days ago I got turned down for the only position I wanted in the city I live in now, so I’ll officially be moving away at the end of the summer. The thing is, I have no idea where !! I’ve always wanted to move out of my home state so it was never the plan to stay here, but there was a weird sense of comfort in the idea that I could potentially just stay where I am right now, continue to hang out with my friends who are doing grad school, kinda sorta pretend to just still be in college for another year or so. Which maybe wasn’t the best idea, but the familiarity was like a security blanket. Now, I cannot stop thinking about how I have no idea what I’m going to do.

I really hoped I’d have a job lined up by now, but as it stands it seems like I’m going to be working 3 jobs until my lease ends in August and after that I have no clue where I’m going. Jobs in my industry are worryingly scant and while I’m trying to make my peace with working in like a coffee shop or a bookstore or something (which I think I would be perfectly content with, at least for a while) the amount of decisions that leaves me with is stressing me out so bad. I have to figure out where I want to live, get a job there, go and find an apartment with some roommates, make all new friends, etc, etc. I’m terrified.

I have literally one friend who isn’t going on to some kind of higher education and she’s already gotten her dream job after applying to two (2) places, and I’m genuinely happy for her but it makes me feel like such a failure that I’ve applied to dozens and not even gotten an interview. I want so badly to just do something I care about but I feel like soon I’m going to have to settle for whatever pays rent. I keep telling myself that that’s fine, because plenty of people live that way and I’m sure that so long as I keep writing and have some good people in my life I’ll be happy, but it’s so so scary to know that in a couple of months I’ll be leaving all my friends and family behind but have no idea where I’ll be going.

I’m really not trying to whine, I know that I’ve been extremely lucky to go to college and enjoy barely paying for anything the last few years (I have a scholarship that pays for most of my rent and my parents help me with grocery money). There are genuinely awful things happening all over the world right now, and I live in a country that affords me a good amount of safety and have parents who I know would step in to help me if I were literally starving. I’m just sort of coming to terms with this being the first time in my life that I’m completely on my own. I’m confident that I can find something to keep myself alive, but I’ve been very lucky to have great friends and a very contented life so far, and I’m both grateful for that and terrified it’s going to end soon.

I can sort of feel myself on the edge of a wee breakdown and that really cannot happen right now because my family and my long-distance bestie get here tomorrow for graduation so I’m going to have to be very smiley and confident for at least the next few days ! And anyone I shared this with would be taking on the burden of feeling some kind of guilt, which of course I don’t want to put on anyone. So yeah. Sorry to do this here, but I really felt like I had to externalize this somehow and you guys are my unfortunate victims!

[celiawrites14]

Meet The Grandparents

Warnings including but not limited to : family drama, anxiety, drama, angst, death, oc death (not main character), suicide, depression

** this is really bad, but I had this idea in my head and couldn't get rid of it **

Long AF but I don't know how to write any other way

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a normal childhood. No psycho killer for a parent. Both still alive and loving. The only non normal part was when my mom died when I was seventeen and my 35 year old sister went missing in lieu of a case of three children going missing.

“Garcia, anything?” Hotch asked her. We were called in on the case late. There were already three victims.

“Sir, as much as I want to dazzle you with my awesomeness, I’m coming up blank.” She told them. “I’ve checked and double checked and cross checked everything I can think of and I still have zilch.”

“Have you tried checking the surrounding towns? Do everything within a 45 mile radius.” Hotch question and advised her.

“See this is why you’re the boss man and I’m just the techie that types.” She told us.

“Penelope, also double cross those names with the list of names you get with a list of teachers, nurses, and counselors.” I added in. My sister, Caroline, was a teacher. Maybe he went for the mothering type.

“Okay super. This is much more manageable and I might actually get a hit. Catch you both on the flip.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With no leads, Hotch decided it was time to try a cognitive interview.

"Alyssa, sit down." I sat down across from Hotch. "Close your eyes."

I took another shuddering breath and closed my eyes. "What am I thinking about?"

"What's your first memory with your sister?" He started off.

I thought back to my first memory with her. "We - playing at the park near my house. She use to push me on the swings. I remember her giving me under dunks."

"Did you guys always play at that park?" He continued.

"Usually, because it was so close to our house. We could walk there without crossing the highway. Just side streets. And we would go there because that's where Caroline would meet up with her friends"

"Who were her friends?"

"Ah, Callie. That was her best friend. They always played together until..." I trailed off.

"Until what?" Hotch pressed.

"When I was ten, she would've been sixteen, Callie stopped coming around. I don't remember why. I was going back and forth between Mom and Grandpas."

"Why were you at your Grandpa's so much?"

"I don't remember." I opened my eyes and stared at him.

"You do remember, close your eyes. Think back to conversations you might have overheard." He urged me. I took a deep breath, not as shakily as before, and closed my eyes. "Think back. Think back to your Grandpa's house. What do you notice?"

"It always felt so big to me when I was little. At my mom's, Caroline and I use to share a room, until I was eight. Then we moved. But I always had my own room at Grandpa's. That's when things got more stressed. Mom got another job, I started going to Grandpa's more."

"When was the first time you heard somebody talk about it."

"At Grandpas. He was talking to my mom. It must have been on the phone."

"What was he saying?"

"He's talking to my mom about Caroline getting in trouble. I can't hear everything."

"What can you hear?"

"Grandpa is mad. He doesn't get mad often."

"What is he mad about?"

"He's mad because Mom won't punish Caroline."

"What did she do?"

"He's yelling -- he's yelling about it. About - about how Caroline had a meeting with her school counselor. I don't - I don't remember anything else." I opened my eyes and stared at Hotch.

"You did great." He told me, giving me his rare smile.

"I hardly remembered anything." I protested.

"You remembered more than you thought. You gave us a lot of details. Like your sister meeting with the school counselor. That let's us know it was probably because she was bullying. She got in trouble at school."

"Hotch." Rossi said from the door.

"What is it Rossi?"

"Penelope found something on Caroline's phone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Penelope sat with me as the team found the location of Caroline. I knew when Spencer and the rest of the team came in that something bad had happened.

I opened my mouth to ask, but no words came out. Spencer looked at JJ.

JJ kneeled in front of me. I gripped Penelope's hand tight.

"When Penelope got onto Caroline's phone, she found a note." JJ said.

"What kind of note?"

"It was a suicide note. Your sister died from suicide. She was racked with guilt from the incident years ago with the boys and then the shooting. She died a few days ago." All of the words JJ was saying slowly became quieter and quieter. There was a ringing in my ears and everything turned dark.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We got to my grandpa's house, thankfully Rossi and JJ had let him know. I wouldn't have been able to tell them.

I walked into the house, dazed.

"Oh, sweetheart." Grandpa said, pulling me into a hug. I hugged him tightly. "Okay, we're going to be okay." I pulled back and moved back by Spencer. I gripped his hand tightly. "Who's this?"

"This is Spencer."

"Your boyfriend." He nodded to Spencer. Thankfully, I told my grandpa about Spencer's weird habits and he didn't try to make physical content with Spencer. "Well, I'm Henry."

"Spencer."

"I wish we were meeting under different circumstances."

"Me too, sir."

He waved his hand. "None of that. Sir makes me feel old, and I'm not that."

I smiled softly at my grandpa. He always could make me smile.

"Dad, who was at the door - oh Alyssa!" My grandma barreled into the room.

"Grandma." I hugged her tight.

"Oh, baby. It's been too long." She pressed her hand to my cheek for a moment before looking at Spencer. "You must be Spencer."

"I am, it's nice to meet you. Alyssa talks very highly of you." Spencer smiled at her.

"She is our baby." Grandma told him. "I made supper, you need to eat."

I tried to protest, but Spencer spoke up. "You haven't eaten since lunch yesterday."

I pursed my lips and looked at Grandma who was glaring at me.

"Kitchen."

"Yes, ma'am." I walked into the kitchen. "Grandpa! Grandma and Spencer are ganging up on me." I whined.

"Honey, leave the girl alone. She's been home for less than fifteen minutes."

"She needs to eat." Grandma said, coming into the kitchen, Spencer following.

"That's true." Grandpa said. "Good thing Grandma made your favorite."

"You made ravioli?" My eyes widened in surprise.

"Honey, you really didn't think I was going to make you come home after Caroline..." Grandma trailed off.

I bit my lip. "Well, I'm here now." I smiled softly at her.

"That's true." Grandpa agreed. "And we finally get to meet Spencer here."

I smiled at Spencer, who was looking at me with a smile. Even when the whole world was dark, he was always my sunshine.

"Caroline would have loved this." I said sitting at the table. "Family dinners were her favorite."

"We stopped doing them when your mom died. It became to painful." Grandma said.

"It was painful." I agreed with her.

"We can start doing it again more regularly." Grandpa decided. "We live close enough."

"We can come up if we aren't on a case." Spencer told them.

"That would be just lovely." Grandma smiled at the two of us.

"Welcome to the family, Spence." I whispered to him.

"Happy to be here." He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

End.

This is really bad but I had this thought and had to write it down. If you or anybody is in need of help, please call # 988.

[sundry-whovengerslocked]

shoutout to the confused chronics

shoutout to the people with chronic fatigue who have no apparent reason for being so tired

shoutout to the chronically ill people who feel like they can't use that term because they don't know what's wrong with them

shoutout to the people with chronic pain who only have diagnoses of the mental kind

shoutout to everyone afraid to use the word chronic even though they suffer every day

-

I'm mentally ill, neurodivergent, and have ibs.

my mother has fibromyalgia, arthritis, carpal tunnel, bursitis, insomnia, and probably more.

I find myself comparing myself to her all the time, thinking things like "my pain isn't that bad," or "at least I don't have fibro," or "I'm just being lazy." I hesitate to take pain meds because I feel like I don't "deserve" it.

comparing pain in this way is an awful practice. it prevents people from getting the treatment and validity they need.

no, I don't suffer the way she does. but I still suffer.

I have back pain daily. I regularly have to do physical activity which makes it significantly worse. I have a shitty mattress that gives me no relief.

when I have to lift heavy things or sleep wrong I sometimes get pain all the way from my neck to my knuckles.

I get joint pain especially in my knees and ankles when I walk too much or when the weather is bad.

I get unpredictable nausea and have to be constantly vigilant about hydration, staying cool, and trash bags even when I am out in public.

I have chronic fatigue that I can't explain other than the ibs and mental health, so I hesitate to use it. but that's what I have. no matter how much I sleep, I am exhausted. it's hard to get out of bed and when I walk it feels like my limbs are filled with lead. in school I struggled to stay awake in class sometimes.

sometimes I have trouble talking. it can be because I'm feeling nonverbal, because my anxiety overwhelms me, or because my nausea or fatigue get so bad it's literally difficult to use my voice. it takes too much energy.

my ibs is a nightmare. stress makes it worse, and then I stress over the ibs, which turns into a vicious cycle. I missed a job interview because of this. I will probably never have a 9 to 5 job because of this.

I am 24. I should not be feeling like this. but I do. I am.

so yeah. shoutout to the chronic people who feel like they don't deserve to use that word. whatever your problems are, even if - especially if - you aren't diagnosed with anything: I promise you, you do.

you deserve validation. you deserve an explanation. you deserve relief.

[avengerscompound]

The Interview - Chapter 24

The Interview - A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Rating:  E

Warnings: mentions of racism, family drama

Pairing: Steve Rogers x OFC Melody Danes

Word Count: 2743

Summary:  Melody Danes gets the break of a lifetime when as a lowly intern, she’s assigned to write a profile piece on Captain America.  Steve Rogers is a hard man not to fall for and as she and Melody get closer and Melody’s career takes off, jealousy leads to sabotage, and the potential to bring her whole world crashing down.

Chapter 24

Melody woke the next day to an empty bed and the sun coming through the window.  She groaned and pulled her pillows over her face.  If the bed was empty, Steve was up.  If Steve was up then Steve had met her parents without him, and god knew how that was going.  He was probably cornered in the kitchen, being force-fed while they asked a million questions.  She’d have to get up and rescue him, but she needed a moment to collect herself.  It was early and there were so many stressors working on her right now.  The lingering stress of the hacking.  Potentially needing to get a new job.  The late-night travel.  Now she was here in her family home, a place she hadn’t stepped foot in over two years, to spend time with her parents who she hadn’t seen in person since then.

It was a lot, and she really wished that her boyfriend was still in bed with her so that she could talk it out with him.

She groaned again, rolling over and picking up her phone.  She opened it up and immediately was greeted with a tirade of racism about who Steve was dating. She sighed.  Today was going to be a nightmare.

She let her phone fall on the mattress and lay there willing herself to get up, or at least fall back asleep.  After a while, the second didn’t happen, and she relented and did the first, rolling over and heaving herself up.

It was cold out of the covers.  Colder than New York was right now.  It wasn’t unheard of for it to snow here during November and she wondered if they might see some during their stay.  She pulled on a robe and slippers and went to use the bathroom.

By the time she was heading down to the kitchen, she was feeling a little fresher and slightly more prepared for this. 

The scene she’d been imagining ended up being fairly accurate.  Her mother and father were sitting at the kitchen table with Steve and a woman she’d recognized from Facebook as her brother’s girlfriend, Kieu.  Her father was still in his pajamas, a flannel set with blue and white stripes that looked like it came from a catalogue for old men’s pajamas, paired with a mismatched red robe, green slippers, and a black beanie covering his bald spot.  Her mother on the other hand was fully dressed, in a brightly colored wool dress, her braids spilling out over the top of a bright headscarf.  Kieu was bundled up more than anyone else in jeans, a long blue cable knit sweater, a black scarf, and a black wool hat.  Her long black hair was braided down her back and she held a cup of steaming liquid to her face.  Steve was still in his pajamas but he’d pulled on a gray sweater over them.  Everyone had plates piled high with eggs, bacon, sausages, toast, and pancakes.

The fire was lit, but going on the temperature, it was a recent occurrence and the two dogs were now lying as close to it as they could get.

Steve saw she was up first and stood.  “Mel.  You’re up,” he said.

Her parents both jumped to their feet.  Everyone stood frozen for a split second and then her parents rushed forward.  Her mother reached her first, pulling her into a tight hug and kissing over the side of her face.  “Oh, my goodness.  I am so happy you are home.  Don’t go putting so much time between your visits again.”

Melody stood stiff, patting her a little awkwardly but not pulling away.  “Well - we’ll see,” she said, skirting the statement.

Her dad put his arms around them both and kissed Melody’s cheek.  “You’re looking well, Mel.  We’ve been talking to your boyfriend.”  He pulled back and looked at her.  “Let me get you some breakfast.  It was my turn to cook.”

Melody looked at her mother.  “Really, mom?  You’re gonna subject Steve to the Englishman’s cooking first?”

She laughed and patted Melody’s arm.  “We researched before you all came.  I know his parents were Irish.  We didn’t want to kill him with spice for his first meal here.”

“And I appreciate it,” Steve said, watching from the table.

“Come.  Come.  Sit.  It’s been too long,” her mother said, pulling Melody toward the table.

Steve kissed her when she reached the table and Kieu stood and held out her hand.  She was shorter than Melody and much shorter than Steve, but still had a few inches on her mother.  “Hi.  It’s so good to finally meet you,” she said.  “I’m Kieu.”

Melody took her hand.  It was a surprisingly firm handshake that made Melody instantly smile.  “I know.  River talks about you all the time.  And I’ve seen the pictures.  It’s good to meet you too.”

She took her seat next to Steve and looked at him. “So, were you getting pumped for information.”

Steve chuckled and shook his head. “No. Well - there’s been questions.  But it’s been fine.”

“Mom!” Melody yelped.  “Give him a chance to breathe.”

“Oh he did fine,” she replied.  “We just want to get to know him.”

Her dad brought a cup of coffee over to her.  “How have you been?” he asked as he set it down.

This felt so strange.  She wasn’t even sure why she’d done this except that she wanted Steve to be part of her family and this was a step to get there. The thing was; aside from her brother, she’d barely even spoken to any of her family in years.  In the two years since she’d been in New York, it was barely more than a brief Facebook message.  Before that, she didn’t speak to her parents at all for a full year, and then only on holidays or special occasions.

They had really hurt her.  Their rejection of Bobbi had hurt.  They were the reason the two women had needed to spend time living out of their car or in shelters while they waited for college to start.  Now here they were playing nice and acting like there wasn’t all that pain looming over them.

Melody wasn’t sure that she had a full-blown confrontation in her.  Not yet at least.  But she could name-drop Bobbi constantly and see what happened.

“Generally pretty good.  Bobbi and I moved into a bigger place.  Her boyfriend is going to move in too,” she said.

Her parents looked at each other and her father dipped his chin forward.  Her mother nodded in return.  “How is Bobbi?” she asked.

Melody’s blood boiled, and her eyebrows knitted together.  Steve’s hand moved, taking hers and linking their fingers together.  “Well, you know Bobbi,” Melody said, her jaw twitching as she tried to reign in her anger.  “She’s very resilient.  Bounces right back from adversity.  She’s got a job in a dinner theater.  And some on-camera work.  A very nice boyfriend.”  No thanks to you.

“That’s so good to hear, Mel,” her father said. “I’m glad she’s got things together.”

That was the final straw.  She pushed herself back from the table and stood.  “I can’t do this. I can’t.  I have to go.  Steve.”

Steve stood beside her, moving like lightning as he got to his feet.  She was shaking, and the edges of her vision were wavering thanks to the pure white hot rage she felt.  “I’ve got you,” he said.

“Mel, please,” her father said.

“Wait,” her mother added, getting to her feet.

She wheeled back to them.  Poor Kieu was sitting there like a deer in headlights, her gaze flicking from the people in front of her to the hall, as she tried to decide if she could flee.

“No.  I can’t just sit here pretending everything is okay.  Talking about how good Bobbi has it.  Acting like everything is good.  We were living in homeless shelters because of you!” she shouted.

Kieu jumped to her feet. “I’m just…” she pointed to the hall and then quickly scurried off down the hall.

“Honey,” her father said.

“No!  No!  Don’t honey me.  You had one job as my parents, and you couldn’t even do it.  All you needed to do was to open your home to your niece when she’d been kicked out.  You know her parents were wrong.  I know you know that.  But instead, you would rather we both be homeless!”  She was shouting and visibly shaking.  Steve put his hand on her back.  It was the one thing keeping her in any way together right now.  If River had been sleeping he wouldn’t be now.

Her mother took a few steps closer.  “I’m sorry,” she said.  “Melody, you have every right to be angry.  I’ve gone through so many stages trying to figure out what happened and why I made the choices I did.  And the truth was, I was scared to lose one of the only friends I’d made in this town.  I tried to blame you and Bobbi for it.  But it wasn’t your fault.  You should expect your parents to accept you.  And I was a coward.  I’m ashamed of myself.”

“Do you know what it was like for us?  For Bobbi?  She couldn’t even go to a women’s shelter with me,” Melody said.  “We were sleeping in cars some nights because she was terrified.”

“I can’t even imagine.  Karla was so wrong and so cruel for what she did to Bobbi.  I’ve always raised you to believe in family and helping out people in need and acceptance, and you did everything I raised you to do, and I failed you,” she said.  “I’m sorry, Melody.”

Melody didn’t know what to do or how to feel.  She’d been carrying this around with her for so long.  Having your child be homeless because you didn’t want to make waves was such a failure.  She had this anger in her that she didn’t want to let go.  But here they were telling her all the things she’d been wanting to hear.  They were the ones that were wrong.  They were sorry.  This was what she wanted.  She’d dreamed about it and played it out in her head over and over.

So why couldn’t she just accept it?

“I just - I - I need some air,” she said.

She didn’t move for a moment and both her parents just stared at her, holding themselves like they were trying to approach an injured animal.  When she did break, it was at a run, dashing for the back door and shoving it open.

A gust of icy air hit her as soon as she stepped through the door, but it didn’t stop her.  Thick frost coated the deck, and she nearly slipped as she moved to the railing.  She was breathing heavily as she tried to stop herself from completely breaking down into tears, and every breath she pulled felt like she was breathing glass.

Steve had followed her out and he slowly approached her.  As soon as his hand touched her shoulder she turned into him, burying her face in his chest as she burst into tears.  He held her, rubbing her back in slow soothing circles.  His body was like a furnace compared to the air around them and she pushed as close to him as she could as she cried.

“You’ve been holding that in for a long, long time, huh?” he said as he held her.

She nodded.  Maybe that was all this was.  She had erected a dam to hold back her emotions just to survive.  And now here she was, with the apology she’d been waiting for and she didn’t need to hold on to it, but she didn’t know how to let it go.

“I don’t know what to do.  I’ve been waiting for them to say sorry for so long, and now here it is, and it doesn’t even feel like enough.  But I came here.  I came here wanting validation.  I wanted to have that relationship.  It’s on the table.  Why can’t I just accept it?”  She looked into his eyes, searching for the magic answer that would fix all of this.  “They didn’t even reach out to us to say they were sorry.  They waited until I was here confronting them.”

Steve cradled her cheek, his palm warm against her chilled skin.  “Honey, it’s okay if you need time to process.  It’s okay if you decide that you can’t forgive them.  But I think you want to.  And I think in the long run, for your sake, you’ll feel better if you do.  Even if you do and still don’t talk to them again.  You want to let this go.  You want it off your shoulders.  What they did was terrible.  They know that.  It’s cost them and they have to live with the consequences of their actions.  But you survived it.  You got through and you thrived. Look at what you’ve done.  And Bobbi too.  All despite your parents.  I know that’s beside the point, but here we are, you’re in the position of power.  What you do now, needs to be for you, because they weren’t thinking of you when it mattered most.”

She nodded and hid her face in his chest again.  He held her and slowly ran his hands up and down her back.  “Whatever you want to do, I’m here to support you, Mel. But do you think we can do it back inside?”

She started laughing and pulled back.  “If I go back inside, I’ll have to talk to them.”

Steve shook his head.  “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

She loved him for believing that.  She leaned up and kissed him before moving her hand to his and leading him back inside.

Both her parents stood as she came in.  Her mom took a tentative step forward.  “Your breakfast is here,” her dad said.  “Come in and get warm.”

She walked in and took a seat and both her parents sat down and stared at her nervously.  She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was going to have to say something.

“That whole thing really fucked me up, you know?” she said.  “Not just being homeless, but knowing that being in our family had conditions.  You raised me making jokes about me marrying Bobbi.  She was over all the time when you all thought she was a boy.  Even as a teenager, you let us sleep in the same room.  Then she comes out and suddenly she’s not welcome?  Not even when I said I’d be staying with her?”

“You’re completely right, honey,” her dad said.  “I should have stood up for you both.  I should have put my foot down.”

“I need time to let this go fully.  I’ve been carrying it for so long.  You didn’t even call me, you could have reached out to have this conversation so many times between then and now.  If I hadn’t come today would you have said sorry?”

Both of them dropped their eyes.  That was as clear a no as if they had said the word.

“Mel,” her mom said.

She shook her head.  “I’m allowed to be pissed!” she snapped.  “I’m allowed to, mom!  I lived in a car because they wouldn’t let Bobbi in the women’s shelter!  It’s been years since then and I got nothing from either of you!  I want to forgive you.  I believe you’re sorry and I want to accept that, but I’ve had to carry this for years.  It’s going to take time.”

“It’s okay, Melody,” her father said.  “We deserve that.”

She sighed and looked up at them. “I came here because I miss you all.  I want things to be okay.  I wanted to introduce you to Steve because I’m serious about him and you’re my parents, and even if you still hadn’t realized you were in the wrong, you could see I’d found someone who loved me and I plan to spend my life with.  I want to spend Thanksgiving with you all.  I want to forgive both of you.  But I have a lot of hurt, and currently a lot of stress in my life too.  So I might lash out while I’m here.”

Her parents looked at each other and nodded.  “As long as you’re here, we can live with that,” her dad said.

// NEXT

[lilioopdf]

recent things ive manifested:

- an opportunity to help my artist friend out at this arts event (she’s really cool bc she’s painted for a ysl exclusive event before++ on some jo malone/dior perfume boxes that looked really good) and i love that i get to venture into this sector i’m studying in an environment im comfortable in (this friend is 10 years older than me but ive known her for 2-3 years and she’s the cousin of one of my childhood best friends so)

- revised a rejection from a school committee i wanted to join. basically we had a first round of interview, all my friends got a follow up email and i didn’t, but the night before the second email i affirmed that i had it so even when i didn’t receive it i didn’t care even though i needed that committee acceptance and i just affirmed once again. my friends had to reschedule their interviews because we had an event that day, but on the original interview date the committee texted me to ask if i was on my way to the second interview and i was like ?? i never received any email, and turns out they never sent me mine so now i have the second interview lined up soon

- new phone! needed a new one for a while but i’m not the kind of person to ask my parents to buy me stuff plus my parents are kind mean about getting me new things because they have this “work for it yourself” mindset but all it took was like one week of briefly imagining having a new phone and one night of SATS before bed and a nap and i was woken up by my father to go get a new phone so here i am typing this on an iphone 15!

edit (wrote this and forgot about it but think it counts— wallet came through two weeks later and i had to script a wallet because i don’t want to pay $50 for my own wallet so i needed my parents):

- accidentally manifested being horribly sick 😭😭 i needed a valid reason to take a break but also not doing anything has been stressing me out even more

- my old job wanting me bc i lowkey missed it, and when i saw one of my coworkers that day she told me they were short staffed and to ask HR if i could rejoin and i don’t mind because this job is so chill and im used to it and it’s not super taxing for a student

[bengiyo]

Marahuyo Project Eps 5 & 6 Stray Thoughts

Last time, Lorie decided to befriend King and Venice, and joined their club. When someone spray painted the mural of Ino’s ancestor, the other kids and dean blamed King, but Lorie stepped forward to claim she did it as well. The queer club was punished with community service to clean the beach, and the three bonded over their time together. We learned that Lorie’s queer awakening is complicated by her anger at her father’s infidelity (and men as a whole as a result). We learned about a young person who died on the beach, revealed to be a close friend of Venice’s and Archie named Christina. Archie refuses to use Christina’s name because he believes it was her queerness that got her killed, and it’s why he’s trying to protect Venice by demanding she withdraw from her expression of herself. We also learned that Ino’s dad likely left their family for a queer relationship, Ino is admittedly falling for King, and his mom told him directly to not be gay. Also, King’s mom cut his hair in his sleep and I am still pissed about it.

Episode 5: Hunyango

I do love the bits of history and mythology we get at the beginning of each episode. I liked how this one highlighted the journeys of many of the characters.

Few things more powerful than a bunch of out kids enjoying an early morning strut. Poor Lorena, though. She wasn’t ready for this divide between her and Lili.

Oh good. It was just Ino with a torch. I clearly play too much d20 fantasy.

The kids are right. Naming things is hard.

Growing up, my dad thought I might become a priest.

I respect this line that Venice is walking in the conversation with Archie to reach through his walls.

Oh wow. Archie is so stressed that he’s scratched up the whole back of his neck. That’s uncomfortable.

Aw, Venice. I’m enjoying the brainstorming session. It’s good to model what planning communication with people not predisposed to listen to you. I also love that they decided to build their plan around the local context of Marahuyo and then immediately transitioned to Lorie legitimately doing research about her home.

Lorie, your friend looks worried. Can you not look at her lips like you wanna kiss her right now?

Whoa, what’s going on with Lili? Are we going beyond the Q in the acronym?

Ino is also correct. You cannot frame a presentation around a local context without directly engaging with the locals who are the context.

🎶 Flashback! Who’s that?? 🎶

Oh, Ino, what have you been through that you thought to ask before hugging King?

I’m very curious about the statue they uncovered on the beach.

Hold on, did Venice add Christina’s name to hers as a way to honor her? I need to lay down for a bit.

Ah, so we’re definitely going into rare presentation with Lili. I am seated (once I get off the floor from the last bullet).

Oh no. Please stop showing me Archie’s neck. It’s a good visual to show how these internalized pressures and traumas express in physical ways, but oof.

Episode 6: Sirena

Super amped about these kids taking the research component seriously within their specific connections. Lorie got info that her dad has access to as the mayor. Venice got info from the church through Archie. King got equipment so they can conduct interviews. Now they’re all gathered and reviewing the information they have.

“Joining us as an ally.” Wow, so many points to this show for reminding people that sometimes an ally is someone who isn’t ready to or can’t come out. In any case, they are with us in the movement.

Poor Venice. She just doesn’t know things.

Hold on…I think I recognize the Lola Puri actress. I will look her up when we get to the credits.

Good job on this show for priming people with the earlier lesson about babaylans for this reveal here.

Boys, are we doing a gay pinkie touch during the critical history lesson?

Hey, this is really good. They have an oral history now connecting a prized tradition to the yearnings of a respected ancestor for another man who turned on him in a cruel way. Unfortunately, the villain of this story happens to be one of Ino’s ancestors. Sad, but unsurprising, that a homophobe gained prominence for outing and robbing a queer man.

I’m really touched by how all of the kids had such an emotional reaction to the story and how it reflected some of their own feelings. I deeply appreciate this show for letting me see others experience how queer history feels for me.

Goddamit, Marco, I was enjoying a complicated, difficult moment. Can you fuck off?

Thank you, Lili, for destroying this man. Make sure to hydrate.

Who is this man at the dinner table in Ino’s house? It’s probably not the dad, right?

And there it is again: Venice telling Archie that courage isn’t built around coming out. He still helped them where it counted.

I’m so sick of this priest.

I do love Juvy. She’s usually so correct and King actually listens to her.

“Who are you?” “Incorrect answer! I already know your name.”

On the real. I’m so proud of Ino. The first person you have to say it to is yourself.

Oh noooo. This is probably actually Ino’s dad. This scene is about to get even uglier.

Mmmm. I don’t like Lili giving up her shorts and then immediately going to a scene where she has to get rough with Marco.

Wow, this is horrible. What a way to end this episode.

I did recognize the Lola actress! That's Angie Castrence! I knew it was Gavreel’s homophobic aunt from Gameboys 2! This was a great 6th episode with very clear ideas and goals. This episode focused completely on coming out, who it’s for, and whether it’s necessary. I like that we had three characters all scared to come out, but it’s eating away at all of them. Archie is literally tearing his neck apart in anxiety. Ino is say gay and in love that it’s leaking out of him, to the point that he was forced to confront his own mom. Lili has been outed by Marco. I love that all of our out characters reassured our closeted characters that they didn’t need to come out. Can’t believe I’ve got two shows in contention for show of the year right now.

[notquitejiraiya]

9 Years

Well, here we are again. Back to spew some nonsense you could’ve done without about fic writing and otherwise. As a small introduction to myself, if you miraculously come across this before anything else I’ve done online: hiya, I’m Becks. When I was fifteen years old I decided that I was going to create a Naruto specific blog to post fanfiction on and 9 years later, I’m still here.

This is only my third reflection of those 9 years, the first and second of which you can find linked respectively, but it’s the 24th of September, and so here I am, ready to continue a tradition set by the wonderful @unioncolours of documenting her years in fandom. Sink your teeth in below the cut off if you so wish. If not, have a wonderful day ♥️

Before I talk about myself, a little thank you to her, to Bex. Two days ago, she posted what I consider to be her most powerful reflection yet, and I command the lot of you to read it, feel it, and walk away demanding you treat yourself and others kindly for this year and all those to come. Her heartfeltness and honesty is something all of us should learn from, and it is an honour to share my forename, space, fandom, world with her. Thank you, Bex, for all you do, here and away.

Now, the first thing I must address about this Rebecca here is “job no1”, as I called it in last year’s recap. “Job no1” was to become more concise.

It is safe to say that I did not get hired for “job no1.” Not yet, anyway. Perhaps on the future. Maybe. We’re still in the interview stages, and you know how many rounds these things take.

To set the tone of this past year, I will admit that it is the 24th of September, not just when I post this reflection, but as I write it. As mentioned, I have only written two recaps of this sort in my fandom career, both of which were written ahead of time and posted on the day with little stress. This one is being bashed out when the sun is already setting, and time is running out.

Time is something that has fascinated me for years; it’s something I’ve written scientifically on, written fiction about in short spells, and something I’ve come to respect a bit more over the last year, too. It’s something I’ve especially enjoyed playing with and writing about in the one fic that I’ve published/added to this year. In Grandmaster, one of my favourite passages from the fic and one of the bits I’m most proud of involves time. But I won’t dwell on that. Grandmaster — or GM, as I affectionately call it — will get its moment later on. For now, let us focus still on time.

I’ve had a strange amount of it this past year. I wouldn’t say I’ve had too much, nor particularly little, on average, but I certainly feel as though I have. Even if not, it’s slipped away from me, and this year that feels rather damning. You see, as you might know, I live in Finland at the moment. I say ‘at the moment’ because this time next year, when I’m writing my next recap, that will no longer be true. I already no longer live 40 minutes from the front door of my best friend — moving in the summer upped it to almost an hour — and by next year I won’t be able to jump up, hop on a train and see her when the mood (and life) suits. Many rather saddening things have hammered home time to me since last September, but even considering that one thought makes time seem rather fleeting. I need to treasure it until the summer, and so forgive me if my time at my laptop is a little less than it once was.

More relevant to you reading this, perhaps, is the amount of this year that I have been able to spend writing. Without examining the statistics, I feel like I’ve barely written this year. I know that that is ultimately not true; I have made good progress with GM, and have written snippets of works to come. But I still feel as though I haven’t had the time in year 9 that I would’ve liked, and even less than the small amount I dared to expect.

In the time I did spend writing, though, I largely spent it on GM, so it only feels right that I dedicate a sizable portion of this recap to that fic.

I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that GM has consumed me. I view the world through a different lens having conceptualised, written, and frankly breathed the world in that story. I see situations in the real-life chess, and I imagine where that might happen in the GM-timeline, were it there. I see the people I envision when the scene play out like theatre performances in my head, and I think about GM, even when it’s totally irrelevant. Even just a face. I hear songs, and I think about GM. I watch movies, and I think about GM. I sit on the bus or god forbid the train, it rains or it shines, and I think about GM.

I have never, in my life, felt a story in my bones like this. When it ends, which this year it certainly must, I will cry. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t cry because it’s over — I will cry because I will remember all the countless hours that have gone into not just writing but thinking about this fic. It is a part of my daily life and has been for such a long time now. I don’t go an hour, let alone a day, without thinking about it. It has been in progress for over 2 years — during every every wrapup I have written, it has been in progress — and 2 nights ago, I finally posted a chapter, the heart of which I first sent to my friends almost as long ago.

I won’t spoil the contents, as I’m sure many of you may not have read it, but I’ll admit now that I cried as I went to sleep after posting it. It took me three months to be happy with that chapter. Three months. That long to accept a chapter that I knew I had the core, important part of set and the was happy with since almost two years ago. It felt and still feels ridiculous to me. Even three days ago I felt like, surely, I had forgotten how to write. Or maybe I just had never known how to write in the first place. I had lost my touch, at the very least, the very spark that made anyone read more than the first paragraph. How in the world could it be that I manage to write these core lines two years ago, when GMverse was Strangers and only Strangers, yet having honed the voice of this story for so long, I now couldn’t write a single good word?

I felt like such a failure. I felt like there was no way I was ever going to finish it, and if I did, I was sure I wouldn’t be happy with it. But I told myself that I was going to post the fic on Majsasaurus day and so I said, “Fuck it,” to my assignments and I finished it.

I was late hour, but I almost did it. When I read it back before posting, I cursed myself for all the clunky sentences and obnoxious descriptions — which may not even exist, I don’t know — but I still pressed post at the end, and I immediately felt proud of it.

It’s incredible when you realise you can do that. I think perhaps it’s a skill that doesn’t make sense to people when they first start writing. Not giving a fuck, that is. I know I was guilty of it for a very long time, but there’s no point in being a perfectionist, especially if you’re trying to write about realistic people. Real people are so far from perfect that you’re fucking kidding yourself if you waste your time on such things. Year 9 has been a lot about that: settling. Settling for grades in uni I once would’ve beaten myself up over. Settling for a sentence that I know could be worded better, in theory, but I’m not yet the writer who can word it that way. I’ll meet her one day, maybe. But before I get to, I have to mould her. I won’t do that without writing more and more.

In any case, in the words of Shikamaru in my own fic: “They’re just words. They don’t mean anything unless you let them.”

In line with that thought, I want to thank you all for your theories and thoughts and engagement with GM. The fact so many of you have managed to find some meaning or emotion in it that matters to you specifically, even if that differs between people, amazes me daily. It makes me emotional and humbles me and all manner of things I could write an entire reflection on.

It is on that note that, I would like to extend a particuar mention to @twnj who has brought to life so many scenes in GM with her beautiful artwork as well as created so many fun headcanons for outside of it. I am so lucky to have met and to know you, and it is a pleasure being rambly with you, my dear.

I also would like to shout out @backgroundcharacterno5 for creating one of most incredible things I have ever seen by way of this comic. You brought that scene to life more beautifully than I ever could’ve imagined even in my own head, and I cannot thank you enough for thinking of GM at all. Thank you.

And finally, the book club. Learning of your existence blew my fucking mind, and it continues to. I refer to you this way because I do not know exactly how many of you there are, but I bloody love you all, even those of you I have never spoken to. The comments I received from you and from every reader, even if I am shit at replying to them, move me and inspire me endlessly. Your analysis and theories and reactionary comments thrill me and make my heart sing. So thank you. So much.

With GM this past year, I feel I have reached a point as a writer that I never expected to, and am endlessly proud of. I never expected people to be so engaged with something I wrote — I thought I was a one- or maybe two-trick pony with song inspired banter-filled one shots and depressing britishisms. But this year showed me that that isn’t true. Do I have the widest range? No, and I’ve made peace with that. But does that devalue what I make? No. I love it. I have fun making it. And as an incredible, frankly unexpected cherry on top, so do some of you. So thank you for that. You’ve ticked so many of my author bucket list dreams in a single year.

As I have certainly mentioned in past ‘blog’-type posts, there are elements of GM which are personal to me, but in the coming year, I will introduce to you what I consider my most personal fic yet. While I may lend things I have overheard or observed, I rarely let myself into my own work too heavily. I value the power of looking over a shoulder, and do try my best to do that. But I rarely force my shoes on a character.

Piano Man (affectionately referred to by myself and those closest as GMJ) will not be like that either. Not on purpose. It will not be a 1-to-1 retelling of my life, the opinions and feelings and experiences within it will by no means be my own, but it will be an expression of things I love and know more directly than before.

GMJ will be set some 20+ years after Strangers, so I am still not escaping this universe I’ve built for myself (not that I want to escape it). It will follow one of my most beloved characters in Shikadai, and how he meets someone he really ought to have known his whole life, but by chance, has not: Inojin.

Any writing I have done that is not GM this year has been ShikaJIn. I know that many of you who follow me, do so for ShikaTema. I wonder if there are even so many of you now that joined for GM that ‘CHESS’ and ‘Cloud Nine’ are now irrelvant in my list of past fics. But regardless of what you’re here for, and whether you ship them now or not, I hope that you’ll stick around for GMJ. It is not a ship fic anymore than GM is, and I like to think that perhaps you trust me by now to tell you a story you might enjoy.

Besides GMJ I have dabbled in a couple of other potential AUs, the most promising of which is a wartime au, which came about after my dear friend Bex suggested that @clumsydragon28 and I read a book she was reading: In Memoriam. IM was one of the most fun reading experiences I have ever had, and I cannot reccomend reading with your friends enough. The joy is something I can’t quantify, and I will treasure that experience forever.

I myself have read more books this year than I have in years. I haven’t read so many fics, which saddens me, but I am so pleased that there is space in my life for fiction and stories again besides thsoe in my own head.

One of the books of this year will no doubt come when I return home to England for Christmas, because last year, darling Barb sent me (and Bex) a goodie box from across the Atlantic. In it, she placed the US edition of my favourite book: The Beach. It will get loved and cherished this year with its first physical read. I promise.

There are so many other things that I could say here, but ultimately, I don’t know that I have the time. All I can say is that I am so grateful for the people of this fandom space, old friends and new, and even those that have not shown me kindness this past year — you have hardened me to realise I am worth more than I thought.

The next recap I write will mark a decade of notquitejiraiya. That, in itself, seems absurd. But I am certain that I go into it lucky, and grateful, and really really fucking inspired.

Thank you, all, for another notquitejiraiya year. May the next be sweet and full of more frequent updates than the last! ♥️

(PS - I’ll try to be more consice next year, but I’m not making any promises)

[duchessofostergotlands]

Just read your last post on autism and well you sound like me. I don't even have a diagnosis because it could stop me from becoming a public servant which I want to be (governmental prejuidice is amazing, isn't it?). However, I also have ADHD as a possible side "quest" on my laundry list. Everything I learned about it in women in recent years screams my experience. However, no one thought to test me because I did academically well like you in school and didn't have issues conforming to classroom rules. Back then you had to be a boy, running around constantly and failing classes to even get a consideration for ADHD here. No one saw that school was my own personal dopamine farm and that I constantly quietly fidgeted with something.

Idk where I'm going with this here but yeah I just felt seen by your post. I think I want a diagnosis eventually after I got my public servant position but I'm also scared of looking for one. Because what if it isn't depression, autism, ADHD and/or even BPD? What if I'm just a lazy slob that peaked in school and someone who is just easily distracted and not great at social interactions I haven't played through in my head a thousand times before?

Hello :) The internet can be a terrible thing but the best part of it is there will be someone, somewhere, who has experienced what you are experiencing. So yes, totally relate to what you're saying. I have similar thoughts all the time. "Maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I'm just sensitive, maybe I'm just a bitch" lol. To be honest I think genuinely lazy people probably don't ever think about the fact they're lazy or get upset about it so it's probably an indication you're not. Like I often think "am I actually a good person?" but I don't think genuinely bad people ever consider that!

I did see something helpful a little while ago. The comedian Aisling Bea did an interview where she talked about her ADHD and the shame she felt when she believed she was just lazy. She said that she loves acting and she can get given a script and learn three pages of dialogue over night - her dialogue and everyone else's - and people are astonished. But you give her a simple task like filling in a form and she just can't do it. I suspect you might find you're the same way. If someone gives you a task you enjoy or find value in then you can probably do it more quickly and to a higher standard than other people. You are capable of hard work. But if it's a task you don't enjoy or think is pointless you will feel like there's some kind of forcefield stopping you from doing it. I also think if it was just laziness, if it was a choice, then no one would ever choose to be lazy about things which are detrimental to them. The call it took me 3 months to make was to register with a doctor. It was really important, it was harmful to me to not have a doctor, and yet I couldn't do it. If I could have gone online and done the whole process there I would have. But I couldn't do it because I had to make a phone call which I struggle with. So if you 1) find that you are capable of putting in hard work in certain things and 2) find that the kinds of tasks you struggle with are important tasks and not doing them is potentially detrimental to you, it isn't just laziness. I think it comes out in a lot of women when we leave school because we don't have structure, routine, someone caring for us. The fact so many neurodivergent women were high achievers in school and burnt out later in life is not a coincidence!

But also, something I don't see talked about that much is how sometimes we are lazy but that laziness is a totally natural response to how exhausting it is to be neurodivergent. Having to be constantly aware of how you talk, how you sit, how you write all day to fit in with a world that you don't fully understand but you know if you get it wrong you could lose your job, your home, everything. The stress, the anxiety, the energy involved in that. After years and years of dealing with this, you are going to crash. So when we do have a rare good day where we feel energised, sometimes we choose to do the fun thing instead of the task we have to do. Other people can be productive because they know that they will probably have the chance to be lazy later in the day or the next day or the next week. Whereas I don't know when I'll next have that opportunity. So sometimes we are being "lazy" but it's to try and repair the years and years of exhaustion and anxiety and stress that has built up! Other people are allowed to be occasionally lazy but we punish ourselves for it so much.

[idekforfun]

Comfort ... JJk

Summary: After scoring an invite to JHope's album release party, Yazmine isn't expecting anything more than to stick to the sidelines and enjoy the free drinks and music. Little did she know what her ever growing relationship with the rapper would lead her to.

Pairing: Idol!Jungkook x OC

Genre: Fluff, slight angst, strangers to lovers, ongoing series

Word count: 2.7k

...

The only thing I am able to think of as my eyes scatter across the room of popular faces is "the amount of talent in this room is enough to swallow me whole". I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and I can't seem to remember how I was ever able to suppress it. I'm finding it increasingly hard to hide behind my extrovert persona, the one that is a lie, a huge lie in fact.

 I realized I had been lost in my head when the sound of loud clapping brought me back to the real world. I barely catch the very end of Hoseok's speech, something along the lines of "Thank you for supporting me", and "enjoy the food and music" then he gives a bow and walks down the stairs where he is immediately pulled into conversation. Oh, I can't even imagine the anxiety he must be feeling. I could simply stick to a corner and hide in the shadows, whereas he has to socialize with everyone out of obligation.

Socializing. For some reason I forgot that I'd have to do that. I've been able to avoid it thus-far having arrived minutes before the actual album started playing. Now, everywhere I looked someone was talking to someone else. I realized I couldn't just stand here alone forever. I examine the room for someone I know, even better someone I have interviewed because I'll take any familiarity I can at this point. This whole ordeal is making me question my job because how am I able to meet celebrities on the daily, and here I am stressing about having to socialize at a party.

I was too in my head again, so I didn't realize someone had been calling my name until I felt a few taps on my shoulder. When I turn around, I was met with no other than Jessi, thank god. We have met on more than one occasion, and she has a weird ability of making people extremely comfortable, something I am immensely thankful for right now.

"Yaz!" She pulls me into a hug. It actually does well to soothe me. "I didn't know you were coming."

"I didn't know either," I pulled back from the hug with a gentle smile. "Actually, I was kind of surprised."

"Why, are you and J-hope not close?" she questioned.

"I mean, I had him on the show and we got on really well. We've also messaged a lot, too." I know I sound hesitant speaking, as if I'm not sure of the words I am saying. It is kind of hard to believe that Hoseok would want a friendship with me of all people, let alone be close.

"Oh, he definitely adores you, we even talked about you once," she has a sparkle in her eye as she talks and for some reason, I feel obliged to believe her. "Also, he was one of the best episodes on your show by far."

She is right about that. It has been my most viewed interview by a pretty wide margin. Part of me knows it’s due to the fact that he is J-hope of BTS, obviously, but it was also such a good video. All my interviews follow a simple formula. I bring the guest on and we engage in whatever activity they enjoy, in Hoseok’s case dancing. It brings a different level of intimacy that you can’t get from simply sitting across from one another and reading questions from a card. The conversation always flows naturally, and it’s all so genuine. On top of that, even I can admit that Hoseok and I just clicked. Our personalities complimented each other well. So much that we even continued to develop our relationship through messaging, and now I am attending his album release party which is a very important step in his solo career. Maybe we are closer than I allowed myself to believe.

“Yeah, it was pretty great actually.” I could see her eyes light up at my slight self-indulgence. Maybe I should give myself more credit.

We both turn our heads at the call of Jessi’s name from across the room. She gives me another smile and hug and tells me that she’ll find me later. I am left alone again but it’s not as bad as before. The anxiety has decreased significantly, which made my apparent hunger more noticeable. Hoseok did say to enjoy the food so I might as well. The snack table was filled with delicious finger food. As I was reaching my hand to grab a bite of some expensive looking cheese on a toothpick someone called my name. I turned around to find none other than Hoseok’s bright smile.

“So, I see you made it!” He pulled me into a hug. Not the ‘barely touch you because this is a little uncomfortable hug”, but a “I feel like we’ve known each other for years hug’.

“Hoseok, you’re incredible. The album is amazing, the release party is amazing, your outfit is amazing!” We pulled away from the hug and I could see a feint blush on his cheeks hidden well in the dimly lit room. “I’m serious, you may be the coolest person I know.”

“Yahhh, you’re boosting my ego too much.” He said while smiling shyly.

“You also may be the humblest person I know so I actually don’t think that is possible.” He smiled at me again and I swear I saw a glimpse of the actual sun in him.

“Do you know anyone here?”

“A few people, mostly through the grapevine.” He could sense my hesitancy right away, I could tell.          

“Come, I’ll introduce you to my friends.” He said as he gestured to the general direction behind him where his so-called friends were. Knowing him, his friends could be some ultra-famous idols that have better things to do than interacting with me. I could slowly feel the anxiety creep back up my spine, and my heartbeat slowly increased.

“I don’t really want to be a bother,” he looked down at me with squinted eyes and a tilted head. “I promise it’s okay, I like being alone and these appetizers are calling my name.”

He chuckled at me in disbelief, as if that was an insane thing to say in a room full of celebrities. I guess you could say a part of me is forgetting that they are just normal people too, so I shouldn’t be feeling this intimidated by them. At the same time, I’ve seen celebrities get starstruck over other celebrities, so they really aren’t just normal people and I am going to tell myself that my feelings are valid.

“C’mon, you’re never a bother. You’re my friend and I want my friends to meet you” he said reassuringly. I guess that answers my earlier internal debate. After 2 seconds of contemplation, I let myself believe him, and I signaled for him to lead the way. He lit up and tugged on my wrist so I could follow him.

I don’t know who I was expecting him to introduce me to, but for some reason his members stupidly did not come to mind. Three of the seven members of BTS were sitting on the stage together, and their heads all turned to Hoseok and I as we approached them. Despite all my inner turmoil, I take pride in my ability to pretend that I am confident and unfazed by everything. That is how I’ve done so well in my career while dealing with anxiety, but as the three idols studied us as we approached them, I could tell that mainting my persona would be more difficult than usual. I know them of course, because who doesn’t these days, but seeing them in person simply beats videos and pictures. They really were beautiful men.

“Yazmine this is Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook. Guys this is Yazmine.” Hoseok introduced while gesturing to each of them.

“Hi guys its so great to meet you.” I said with a smile. Jungkook and Taehyung who were sitting raised themselves up to give me a bow as well as Jimin who was already standing as I shook my hands at them. “Oh! there’s no need for that we can be casual.”

“Sorry, it’s a habit,” Jimin said with a smile. “After all these years it feels kind of strange not to be formal.”

“That’s how I feel except opposite. Getting used to being formal was a challenge and I sometimes still forget the strict customs.” I explained.

“Sorry if this comes across as rude but you’re not Korean? You’re Korean is really good!” Taehyung questioned.

“It’s not rude at all! I am half Korean from my mom and my dad is middle eastern,” as I was explaining, someone summoned Hoseok over to them and he gave my arm a firm squeeze in parting as he nodded to his members insinuating his departure. “I was raised in the US till age 12 and I’ve been back and forth since then.” I explained as they nodded in understanding. It was endearing how intently they were listening to me, and for some reason I felt oddly at ease with the three. My eyes wandered over to Jungkook’s as I finished my explanation, and as they met he quicky looked away.

“Your interview with Hobi Hyung was amazing by the way,” Jimin said. In the moment I don’t think I even processed that Park Jimin watches my show, I’d have to do that later. “The idea is so new and exciting. I hope that you’ll invite me once I start my solo schedule.” There was a sly smirk on his face. I wondered if it would be inappropriate to tell him I would probably jump off a bus if he asked me to, but I decided to keep that to myself in the end.

“I’ll see what I could do.” I joked back. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone new approaching us and I turned my head to find Seokjin. I was now surrounded by four members of the group and I am surprised I’ve held my composure for this long.

“Hello,” he says timidly with a subtle bow. “Sorry to interrupt, I just wanted to say bye to these three. I’m Jin.”

Just when I thought these men couldn’t get any better, he introduces himself as if I wouldn’t already know who he is. I gave a bow back and smiled at his humility, “I’m Yazmine, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Hey Jungkook, this must be exciting for you.” At the mention of the youngest members name, I turned to look at him and caught his wide eyes and small headshake towards Jin that I was clearly not meant to see as his eyes shifted to me. “He loves your videos. One time he made me watch three episodes of your trying new things series.”

“Hyung!” Jungkook cried out. Obviously I was not supposed to be filled in on this information, but my heart couldn’t help but beat a little faster at this new discovery.

“Oh, did he now?” I questioned with a smirk. Jungkook’s face twinged a subtle pink that was barely noticeable in the dimly lit room, but noticeable, nonetheless.

“Oh yeah, Jungkookie is always sending us clips from your videos,” Jimin teased. Taehyung started nodding his head enthusiastically and decided he also wanted to join in on teasing the youngest.

“You should have seen his reaction when he found out Hobi Hyung was making an appearance, he was so jeal-”

            “Okay that’s enough.” Jungkook interrupted with an annoyed expression. Despite how much I was enjoying this, I also felt a little bad for him, and I’m sure he’s been at the center of their teasing all these years.

            “Well, I really appreciate the support, and it means a lot coming from you especially.” I reassured him. He gave me a shy small in return.

            “Well it was nice to meet you Yazmine, I am sure we’ll run into each other again,” Jin said with a warm smile. “Before I leave Hobi wants a picture with all of us.” He said while gesturing to the other members. They all nodded in agreement.

            As they all turned to follow Jin, Jimin turned to me and nudged my arm with his. “Don’t go too far, we’ll be back soon.”

“I’ll be here.” I reassured. I definitely wasn’t comfortable enough to talk with anyone else here, and their welcoming energy was definitely more than enough for me. Jimin and Taehyung followed Jin, while I noticed Jungkook lingering a bit. I could tell he had something on his mind that he wanted to say.

            “Isn’t it a bit early for Jin to be leaving?” I questioned. This was my best attempt at making him comfortable enough to tell me what was on his mind.

            “This isn’t really Jin Hyungs scene, he doesn’t really know many people and he gets nervous meeting them too.” Jungkook explained. I almost did not catch the end of what he was saying because I was too distracted by his eyes. They really do sparkle just like everyone says.

            “Wow, if that’s how Jin feels then I really am hopeless.” I said in shock. If a literal bts member was having trouble socializing, I was doomed.

            “Not completely hopeless, you have us now.” He said with the most endearing smile I have ever seen. There was also something about how he said “You have us now”, as if he was insinuating that I would be in their lives longer than just a casual conversation at a party. I know it’s probably my delusion speaking, but it’s a nice thought to comfort me.  “By the way I really do enjoy your videos a lot. I guess it’s kinda embarrassingly obvious now that I am a fan.” He said with a little more confidence while referring to the teasing from his Hyungs.

            “If it makes you feel better, I have 3 older brothers, so I know how it feels. Also, I am slightly embarrassed because of how many stupid things you’ve probably seen me do. It’s actually all coming back now.” I laughed. I started internally second guessing every decision I made for my videos because Jeon fucking Jungkook watches them, and I pray that he has not seen the bird calling video.

            “What, like the bird calling video?” He says with a chuckle. This is not happening right now.

            “I am actually going to ignore what you just said for mental health reasons.” He lets out a boyish laugh at that and I swear I’ve never heard something more adorable in my life. I would honestly embarrass myself 100 times over if it meant that I could make him laugh.

            We both turn our heads at the call of his name and see the members waving him over for the pictures.

            “I’m sorry I don’t want to leave you alone…” He says hesitantly.

            “No, don’t worry about it,” I said. “I’ll just be here trying not to embarrass myself.”

            “I won’t take long so we can be embarrassing together.” He said in a teasing tone. My eyes couldn’t help but widen. I’m either crazy, or he just flirted with me. I could hear his giggle as he turned to walk away while I stood there stunned. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy as I watched him join the others. Seeing them interact with each other was so special. They looked so happy and comfortable. It was hard not to be slightly envious of their relationship. I can’t remember the last time I had a connection like that with someone, and I could tell it was rare. My eyes naturally wander over to Jungkook as he wrapped his arm around Hoseok. I could see his eyes glistening even from here with joy and contempt. His eyes meet mine and I find myself unable to look away even though I know I’ve been caught staring. His eyes crinkle at the corners as we look at each other, waiting to see who will break eye contact first. My gaze wanders across his nose and cheeks as my face heats up. I force my eyes to meet his one final time and I turn away with a light feeling looming over me.

[paracosmic-murdock]

i kinda just noticed that I never say anything here but i've been super inspired lately with a benedict OS fic (longings locked) i just labeled as COMING SOON and it will come sooner than the anthony fic i put in my masterlist like...

last year 😭

i've actually written a few chapters of the anthony one and i might start posting them as soon as i'm sure my inspiration won't end halfway through it (been there, done that) (i will post it soon bc i couldn't have written all that IN VAIN)

this is me:

anyways, as a compensation, i'm gonna share a bit of it. it's titled "tarnished, but so grand", and this is the summary:

you, your mother, and younger sisters were left to your own devices after your father's death with no one to take care or provide for you. thankfully, high society's ties were always useful, and you got an interview with none other than viscount anthony bridgerton for the job of his sister's governess. and yes, he could have expected about anything except to fall for you in such invasive, magnificently cursed manner when he was supposed to be looking for his very own wife.

if this flops i'll delete in immediately🙄

anyways, here comes the sneak peek:

After two months of knowing you, Anthony could say he got used to you not giving yourself credit for anything. He believed it was something that had to do with the sense of responsibility of being the eldest child who was imposed the task of providing for your family in a world that deprived your gender of opportunities to do just that. He saw himself in you often enough, and that might be the reason why he was so driven to you.

You nodded. “I saw him struggling and reached out to help. Did I take a liberty beyond my place?”

“Not at all. I could never question your place in this household, Miss Luddington,” Anthony was quick to erase the idea from your mind. “What I mean to say is thank you. This goes beyond your job as Hyacinth's governess, and it is not that I have any issue whatsoever. I only wish to thank you for helping Gregory as I've also taken notice of how much you have done for Eloise. This is going to be quite a difficult season for all of us, so I am incredibly grateful to you for taking the burden of my sister's stubbornness off my shoulders.”

You looked at him surprised. “You are very welcome, My Lord, but you mustn't thank me for anything.” you waved off after a sigh. “It does not need to be so difficult for all of you. I am sure that Eloise is more relaxed and her aversion for the upcoming events has been fading. You should not worry too much about her.”

Anthony cleared his throat. “I didn't mean it because of Eloise only… I have decided to start looking for a wife this season.”

That was everything but expected.

“Oh…”

Your lips formed a fine line at the thought, and you wanted to scold yourself for that painful weight growing in your gut.

“Yes… I believe it is time for me to settle down and find a wife, a viscountess. My mother has been too stressed with her responsibilities as the lady of the house, the Dowager Viscountess, and our mother. Once I marry, she will be more tranquil, freer.”

“That is right, My Lord,” you granted him. “Your mother has been tired lately. I wish you the best of luck on your quest, though I am a hopeless romantic, and dare I hope for you to find love instead of just a suitable partner.”

Anthony chuckled. “While I appreciate the sentiment, I am afraid I cannot afford that luxury.”

“You are a man, My Lord. One with power, at that. With all due respect, there are certainly not many things a person like you could consider a mere luxury, and your choice of a wife should not be one of them,” you mentioned, perhaps the alcohol giving you the guts to speak so freely. “God knows I would give anything to attend a ball, wear my fancy dresses and my jewels again, be asked to dance by handsome gentlemen, and be seen with utter admiration.”

“I take it it is your wish to marry.” he guessed, feeling his heart ache in your name.

You laughed, refilling the glass of whiskey and pouring one for him as well. “Now it is further than a dream… Papa promised me when I was a little girl that I would marry the man I loved. He said I was his daughter and that no man would ever deserve me, but I deserved whichever man I laid my eyes upon. Now I fear I shall die an old maid.”

“You can never be so sure.”

“Unfortunately, no man I marry would allow me to work, much less will he be able to provide for my entire family. I would have to marry a rich man for that, and I am afraid my status as a high society lady has been revoked. I could never get that,” you countered. “I also would not dare to abandon my dearest Hyacinth, and once she is done with her education, I will be too old to be wanted.”

“I can assure you, Miss Luddington, that it would be the most enormous waste on Earth if a lady as phenomenal as you passes before knowing what it feels like to be truly admired like she deserves.”

if you want to be added to the taglist of tarnished, but so grand, you can comment this post or dm me btw <3

if you want to be added to the longings locked's taglist, you can also let me know with a comment or dm, i'd be honored to add you

ALSO i wanted to thank you all for the support! this blog started with my matt murdock obsession and i want to write something else for him soon, but my current hyperfixation is bridgerton.

that would be all, thanks for reading! 🫶🏼

[whentherewerebicycles]

ok therapy made me feel more human and she gave me some middle-of-the-night coping strategies to deal with the pain-induced panic. she also thinks i should take medical leave from work earlier instead of trying to work up to my due date and idk i think i am considering it. i feel like the situation with [redacted] is causing me so much stress and then the rough nights/fragmented sleep mean i'm not ever really coming down from the stress and i wonder if it would be good to just like. have a hard stop at work and take some time to fully decompress before baby arrives instead of rolling straight from work into giving birth. i just found out that i got that college essay coaching job i interviewed for earlier this week, which creates some new issues (finding a nanny + possibly having to start working again earlier than planned postpartum) BUT means that i should be able to make enough to cover daycare this year and to take some additional unpaid leave if needed. i will think about it a bit this weekend but i am leaning towards ending on May 24 instead of June 3 if i can get medical approval, which i should be able to. wow sorry my public diary is just Lots of Stress right now but i think i am working through it. i also was able to get in to see the hand specialist in two weeks which is not tomorrow but is better than expected. so maybe everything will be okay who knows!!! i have to keep reminding myself that all of this stress has a purpose: i am about to meet a BABY and he is going to come home to live in my house with me and my dogs and he's going to be my kid!!!!!

[isay]

Smooth moves and my hatred of gardening

Ok so I have been meaning to write something for ages but, well you know how it goes, and [squirrel] then I get drawn into furniture restoration videos on YouTube and before you know it, there goes another good intention.

Anyhow, as of today I am still 'between roles'. I've interviewed and interviewed well for three roles recently, but alas and alack I have been first bloody runner up on all three occasions. This sucks.

As a consequence of my being close but without a cigar on the job front, we were forced to move house (as previously documented). We've not exactly downsized but we have reduced our rental outgoings substantially, which is much more tolerable although I still need to find something sooner rather than later.

This move was, while still phenomenally stressful, one of the easier ones we've done over the past decade. We're only the second tenants in what is essentially a new house, although unfortunately the first people in here were smokers, and it took a few days for us to be able to clear the smell of stake cigarettes.

We're in one of Melbourne's leafier suburbs, about 50 mins out from the CBD by train, but to me it has a comfortable feeling of being more like a small town. The house is a four bedder with two of those being dedicated to offices for Kim and me, and it has a decent sized open living, kitchen, dining area, and a small garden for the two dog beasts. I even spent today, the first dry day for the best part of a week, mowing the backyard grass. While I despise gardening with a passion, this was tolerable. I will however need a hat with corks if I'm going to do this in the summer.

The other thing about the back yard is that we have a covered patio and a view of wooded hills in the distance. There are a few tall trees that sway in the neighbours gardens and its a beautiful spot to sit and just listen to the trees and the birds. And the occasional train to break the idyll. We're tucked behind the train track, but the trains are sufficiently infrequent that after a couple of days they now hardly register.

Kim has done a stunning job with the interior decoration, yet again, and we're largely settled. Which is just as well as she's due to head off to the US on a mission to surprise her daughters and the grandkids. This means I'll be home alone for Christmas but for the doggos, which means I'll be watching a bunch of stuff and eating lots of the things she doesn't really enjoy, like mushrooms and lamb.

I have my viewing list that I'm adding to but any suggestions are definitely welcome for movies and TV.