#and the way their affection runs deeper compared to the actions of other people toward gav

[risarchives]

when damien talked about the way people act when they hug him (“like they're hugging an oven with the door open.” - 16:54), it brought me back to that aftershock video where freelancer immediately ran to give gavin a tight hug the instant he appeared in their apartment five days after the inversion. also that solstice video with huxley holding him together when dami was still struggling post-inversion. my heart is in shambles

edit: initially i credited that line to gav, but anon corrected me and said it was dami! the point still stands ig, since that line brought me back to that one aftershock audio :'( also added the one with hux because anjdhsjf I LOVE THEM

[tundrainafrica]

the fact that people refuse that levi and han had a bond (even if it’s not romantic) is insane imo... like there’s the parallels between different relationships? and when you point them out there’s always someone who will say “eww don’t compare xx with levihan”

for example? ymir and historia??? there’s so many similarities, wanting to live for themselves, wanting to be together, the fact that one of them had to leave to protect the other one and they never got to tell each other how they felt? but the bond was there? the tall, more energetic one that wants to protect and show the short, seemingly jaded one that not everything has to be hopeless? their friendship? there’s no power imbalance, just pure love, understanding. they really loved each other...

oh and the bird with one wing, it’s as if han couldn’t fly anymore without levi (but i may be looking too much into it) and then levi fell too ahhh poetic cinema 😩 we’ve been getting a lot of hate recently...

This is like way up in my asks but a lot of it has been bothering me. I’ve seen a lot of antis on twitter denying Hange and Levi’s bond because lmao apparently what has been going on in 126 and 132 aren’t enough to make something canon. 

But as a fan, regardless of what antis say, regardless of what other shippers say I will stand by this ship, rain or shine, and I will fucking scream ‘LEVIHAN IS CANON.’ 

It just doesn’t make any sense really? Like what do people need for something to be canon? A gaudy verbal declaration of love? Love letters? Kissing? Fucking? 

I don’t believe we need a declaration of love to deem something canon. Yes, people won’t agree but the fact that we have been called delusional? Levihans on twitter have been called delusional for seeing canon on this? I didn’t just look at Levihan and the scenes in 126 and 132 and go ‘YUP ITS CANON,’ I actually did have a slow burn towards this because I just thought the way I see Levihan in canon is pretty much how I appreciate a lot of the relationships in real life. 

A lot of people wait for declarations of love, kissing, fucking, embracing and making out. Yes, those are conventional ways to prove that maybe those two can be together. But those types of bullshit are only as valuable or as meaningful as the subtle domestic actions that follow. We’ve seen relationships we deem canon before, then suddenly the guy cheats on the girl or the girl hits the guy or vice versa, or they just alternate between make ups and break ups until they get tired. So what? Do they still love each other? Even after allowing themselves through go through all that shit? 

I’ve never been in a relationship like that? I wouldn’t know what runs through people’s heads when they go through those? Stockholm? Hope that maybe their toxic lover will change for the better? I don’t know so I won’t comment about this. 

But I sincerely believe there is more to analyze, there is more to appreciate and there is more to emulate in a relationship grounded in mutual trust, bonds, and a relationship that has proven the test of time and challenges (aka Levi and Hange)

I don’t believe in kisses, sex scenes or verbal declarations of love. Just because those are the socially accepted ways to ‘show that love exists.’ They are inherently flawed proofs and evidences that there exists a relationship between people. And maybe the fact that these proofs are what people wait for before they something is canon, maybe that’s the reason why it’s so hard for people to recognize that people can have bonds without it? Maybe that’s why people figuring out they love someone is so hard? Because they wait for the urge to kiss or the urge to have sex? Or the urge to write a long ass love letter?

But really love and the drive to enter a committed relationship are so much deeper than intimacy and verbal declarations. Intimacy and Verbal Declarations are only as valuable as the intentions and the implicit messages that accompany them. 

I’ve never been a words person, I’ve always been an actions person and maybe that’s why I never did keep a lot of the old love letters and the old gifts people have given me. I don’t want verbal declarations of love or commitment, I want actions. Words are easy. Intimacy is easy. If people really meant it, they would constantly strive to change for the better. If people really meant it, they would hold their breath and listen even when they were angry. If people really meant it, they’d listen to feedback and constantly try to open up. 

If people really meant it, they’d stay true to commitments, acknowledge mistakes and constantly reach out of their comfort zone to make an effort to constantly improve. 

You know where I see love? Giving up your daily routine to save some extra cash so you can drop it for a partner who’s in need? You know what’s love? Changing how you go about your life, actively changing your bad habits so you can constantly be a better partner to the person you committed to. You know what’s love? Staying by someone’s side, completely trusting them and trying at least to know them like the back of your hand? 

You know what’s love? Actively abandoning your post to save your dying friend. 

And some people might go… This is just a ship. No, because personally how I ship is how I view relationships in real life.

I do not admire relationships  for their ability to display affection in public or their ability to write long letters to their loved ones. I admire relationships for their openness. I admire relationships where couples are able to keep their problems behind closed doors because they trust each other so well they can resolve everything together. I admire relationships where couples are complete opposites yet somehow manage to make things work because you know they made the effort to adopt microchanges to their personality to make that relationship work. 

I have friends in real life who are actively in a relationship, say they genuinely love their partner yet break up and make up every week. They call their partners such vile names when they’re angry, they fucking hurt each other yet a declaration of love every week somehow makes it okay. 

I have friends whose only proof they were ever together with their partners were the fact that they lived together, maybe co-owned five cats. And when I talk to them about their partners, they know everything about their partner from the back of their hand. “She wouldn’t do that. She won’t wake up that early.” They know each others habits and despite how different they are, they adjust. They have never said anything wrong about their partner. They have never talked shit about their partners to me. Sometimes, they would talk to me when they’re concerned or when they’re emotional, but they have never called their partner asshole, bitch, fucker in the heat of the moment. I have never heard them wish ill of their partner. 

BUT THEY HAVE NEVER PLAYED VICTIM. (And holy crap the amount of relationships I’ve seen where someone is willingly able to rant and say such horrifying things behind their partner behind their back is fucking terrifying. And the way they pull a 180 in public and around their partner?? That’s a relationship???  I have seen friends call their partners cruel and abusive, only for me to find out through message receipts that they’re both assholes.)

And I will live my whole life, advocating for relationships grounded in mutual bonds and a strive to grow with their partner, whether or not they have expressed the societally acknowledged, conventional romantic connotations of love or not. 

In the end, love is love. And love is manifested not in the romantic declarations of love but in the trust, sacrifice, the effort to change for the better, the commitment to stay with the person and grow with them. 

Love is abandoning one’s comfort zones. Love is staying by someone’s side, supporting them through the thick and thin. Love is supporting one another, keeping the dynamic balanced yet constantly moving. 

Love is facing life together and making sure the person you committed to, never feels alone or unloved. 

Do not reduce love and relationships to kisses and hugs and declarations of love.

And for the people who say, “Chill this is just a ship...” I ship because I believe in the dynamic and I believe in the depth that is hidden underneath the dynamic that was shown in the big screen. It’s the reflection of what I see in relationships in real life and it’s the model of what I’d want to see in my own relationships. 

So yes, please let the Levihans enjoy things thank you. 

[incorrect-pokespe-quotes]

Let’s Talk About Norman

I’m going to start off by telling you all something you probably already know: Norman is abusive. I try not to use super strong language on this blog because calling someone abusive / toxic is a pretty big deal, but Norman is an abuser, full stop. Aside from the obvious physical violence though, there’s a lot of emotional trauma he causes Ruby through his actions— this post is mostly going to be talking about Norman’s emotional abuse and how it affects Ruby’s psyche and actions throughout the arc instead of just “oh he punched his son down some stairs” because I think it goes way deeper than that. With that out of the way, the rest of the post is below the cut!

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

I can’t talk about Ruby and Norman without mentioning this— it’s the most clear cut evidence of his abuse on-panel. He punches his son down the stairs, engages in a high stakes fight with him, and puts him in mortal danger (which Ruby has to save himself from). What I’m concerned with isn’t the actual incidence of violence itself, but rather the emotional baggage that comes with it.

The interesting thing about the Big Fight scene to me is that Norman instigates the conflict. Norman lures Ruby into a “dark and scary building” in the rain and away from others, appears behind him, threatens him, and throws him against a wall. The only thing Ruby had done in that moment is ask his dad how / why he had found him— Norman was the instigator of violence. It is Ruby’s reaction to this immediately violent start that segues into the next Big Thing about their relationship.

ENVIRONMENT OF FEAR

It is obvious from the minute Norman appears on panel that he is intimidating. Multiple characters throughout the arc mention that they are scared of / intimidated by him, but none are more obvious than Ruby. In fact until we reach the scene at the Weather Institute, Norman hasn’t been shown in a positive light at all from Ruby’s perspective. Ruby continuously mentions fear about his father: he imagines his father grabbing him, looking angrily at him, and generally seems to be afraid of him. Ruby expresses worry and concern about the consequences of his father’s anger— and that’s ALL he thinks about. Ruby mentions explicitly that he has seen “Norman’s Dark Side” and tries to hide as soon as he appears. He even shivers at the mere mention of Norman. Ruby’s entire motivation is his fear of his dad, which is bad, obviously. 

Every thought about Norman that Ruby has up until the Weather Institute about Norman express fear and stress Norman’s emotional distance. Whether or not Ruby and Norman love each other is not of importance here, what is important is that Ruby has constant worry and anxiety about how Norman will react. His entire motivation at the beginning of the arc is centered around doing things behind Norman’s back and giving him definitive proof of Ruby’s accomplishments— Ruby is so nervous around Norman that he considers communicating to be a risk. This is typical abuse victim behavior and it continues through the arcs. Living under the constant threat of (often violent) punishment has taught Ruby that disagreements and communication in general are dangerous and can spiral into violence very, very quickly— he displays this same fear time and time again.

Quick Aside: As everyone here probably knows, the main conflict in the oras arc is centered around Ruby’s unwillingness to tell Sapphire what is going on for fear of how she will react. Ruby’s hiding of his memory of their confession in the Emerald arc is the same— Ruby refuses to communicate because he is afraid of how Sapphire will react. His main emotional flaw is the fact that he is driven by fear; Norman has shown him there are consequences to communication and Ruby carries this lesson throughout his entire life. He is a victim of abuse and this hampers his ability to communicate and be emotionally vulnerable. He is so caught up in the idea of consequences that he is more than willing to lie or omit the truth to avoid the consequences of talking to people about stressful topics. This is not to say that Ruby’s actions are excusable— he’s still a dick with communication issues, but whether or not Kusaka intended it, Norman’s abuse and its consequences define Ruby’s emotional arc.

ANGER ISSUES

I can’t really talk about the environment of fear that Norman created without talking about his anger issues. He crushes a phone, shoves people out of the way, knocks multiple Pokemon out at once, and otherwise acts aggressively in various situations throughout the arc without any real Reason. As if these hints weren’t enough, we actually get confirmation through Ruby’s mother that Norman “does this often”— and judging by Birch’s reaction, these displays of destructive anger aren’t normal in in-universe. Whether or not there is a violent / strict parenting style within the universe doesn’t matter, because Norman is shown to be uncharacteristically aggressive in comparison to other adults in the series. Judging by Ruby’s reaction at the Weather Institute, he implies that his type of violence towards him isn’t uncommon; he seems almost resigned to it.

To wrap up this section: Norman’s aggressiveness is atypical even in-universe, he is shown to be unable and unwilling to curb his violent anger, and this creates an environment of fear among his family that permanently impacts Ruby’s ability to communicate effectively with others.

PART 2

DISCLAIMER: This is where things get… dicey. Everything I’ve mentioned previously is rooted in the actual drawings and actions of the characters or overarching themes / problems. This next part however focuses on dialogue. It is almost impossible to truly understand the tone of each line without being a fluent Japanese speaker (which I am not) so instead I’m going to use Viz and CY to the best of my ability for this section. I’m not going to extrapolate this to Kusaka’s intentions, since without the original work that’s nearly impossible, but I can at least talk about the way these come off in English.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Admittedly, Viz is the worst about this. They constantly hype Norman up and excuse his behavior, outright censoring some of the physical and emotional abuse. Viz absolutely mangling the tone of RS, however, is a post for another time.

Because Norman actually speaks to Ruby at length a grand total of twice times in the RS arc, we can break down his actions into these two instances: the first is at the weather institute and the second is as he’s dying.

Rather than go based on overall theme, this scene is best done line by line (this is using the CY version due to limited censorship compared to Viz). 

Scene 1: Volume 17, Chapters 208-210

(Norman is dangling Ruby off the roof of a building by his collar. There are sharp rocks at the bottom)

Ruby: Re… release me…! Norman: Insolent brat!! Is that how you talk to your father?!

To start, Norman uses tone policing and deflection. He focuses on the fact that Ruby is “talking back” to him and making demands of his father, which doesn’t acknowledge Ruby’s request or the fact that Ruby is being dangling over the roof of a building. Also note that this is the first time the words are bolded and that they stay this way throughout the fight— Norman verbally escalates the fight. Norman is abusing his position of power over Ruby in order to excuse his actions and pass the blame back to his son.

Ruby: I don’t care how furious you are with me… I’m ready for it!

(Norman decks Ruby down a flight of stairs)

Norman: Why did you run away from home?!

Note once again that Norman is implied to start raising his voice first even when Ruby isn’t. There’s another deflection here: Norman changes the subject rather than actively respond to anything Ruby says.

Norman: Well? Say something! You’d better voice your complaints right now!!

(Ruby has a conversation with the Swimmer, who advises him to apologize to avoid his father’s rage and “just go home” which… fuck you Swimmer Jack. I’m skipping that part of the dialogue bc it isn’t that important).

(While Ruby is debating what to do, Norman’s Slaking lifts the stairs that Ruby is on and tries to fling him into next Tuesday).

Ruby is physically prevented from escaping by being dangled above Norman. I shouldn’t have to tell why physically preventing someone from leaving an argument is a bad thing.

(Ruby decides to fight Norman)

Note that Norman is physically and emotionally forcing Ruby into two possible options: Fight or be obedient. He is preventing Ruby from running and deflecting Ruby’s attempts to explain himself. He then shifts the blame to Ruby *again*, attacking Ruby and his pokemon with full force and implying it was Ruby who instigated the conflict in the first place.

Norman: … so you wish to fight me? … Iron Tail and Hyper Beam… I was the one who taught you those attacks. There’s nothing about your attacks and strategies I don’t know about. You’re just wasting your time! Give up!

Here, Norman does two things: he stresses Ruby’s dependence on him and his power over Ruby. It’s a typical “your success is dependent on me” and a “there is no option except obedience” rhetoric, and is likewise typical of abusers. Norman is stressing the things Norman has gifted to Ruby (battling knowledge) and using whatever he can to force Ruby to do what he wants— he’s exerting his control.

(Ruby turns the tide of the battle, so Norman likewise switches tactics by attacking Ruby himself and attempting to hit him with a staircase. Ruby falls down the stairs and is dangling over a pit of spikes when Norman stands on the edge, blocking Ruby’s only escape route).

Norman: Now will you come quietly? Stop being so stubborn

Not only is Norman forcing his son to choose between obedience and Literal Death, he also shifts the blame again. He excuses his own actions by claiming it is Ruby’s stubbornness that forced him into this position. He deflects the whole “putting my 11 year old in harm’s way” by claiming Ruby’s own resistance to Norman’s violence is the trigger for the violence itself. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s victim-blaming nonetheless and sadly, it works

(Flashback time: Norman admits he was going to give Ruby permission to participate in contests and gets emo about it. They fall, but Norman catches Ruby. This doesn’t matter though, because they both end up falling and Ruby uses his running shoes to save them both).

Ruby: (thinking) Ru- running shoes… my birthday present from dad… saved both… our lives

Ruby displays pretty typical abuse victim behavior here, focusing not on Norman’s 3 threats to literally kill him but instead on the One Good Thing Norman did. He doesn’t mention that it was Ruby himself who saved them both or that Norman was the one who put them in danger in the first place— he’s in total denial about the severity of everything that happened.

(At this point, Norman looms above Ruby with an angry expression and a raised pokeball. Bystanders panic because it appears that Norman is going to attack Ruby who, by the way, is unconscious on the ground, but Norman gets a surprise call from Winona and turns away after realizing that Winona can see him).

“I only stopped attacking my son when I realized people were watching”… alright fuck off then Norman

Norman: HEY!! Idiot son! You disobeyed your parents, then you ran away from home. I’ve had enough! Just do what you want! In return, you’d better accomplish your goals!! A man should complete what he has set out to do… … before he can return home!!

Hoo boy. Norman never apologizes, deflects all the blame onto Ruby, insults him twice, and then tries to save face with Winona and the people around him by giving Ruby permission to do contests— which he was apparently planning to do all along. He emphasizes the things Ruby did in response to Norman’s actions (Ruby ran away from home because he knew his dad would be unsupportive and gets violent during disagreements, so in essence Norman is to blame for backing him into a corner). Norman twists the narrative in order to make Ruby the instigator in every case, justifying Norman’s responses as reactions to Ruby’s problematic behavior

Swimmer Jack: Isn’t that a wonderful father? Ruby: Thank you… father.

Ok first of all Jack is a dumbass, so jot that down. Second of all, while it’s unintentional, Ruby is being gaslit to hell and back. It is only after Norman’s omission of all the abusive behavior and bystanders’ affirmation of Norman’s love that Ruby starts to think positively towards his father. The threat Ruby used to think was so large has been downplayed and outright denied by the people around him, so Ruby’s prior fear of Norman diminishes. Ruby’s fear of Norman and the violence Norman took against him is denied, downplayed, and ignored, so Ruby begins to doubt his own animosity towards his father. Thanks Swimmer Jack you unintentionally gaslit an 11 year old.

SCENE 2: (this one is much shorter, thank god)

(Norman, while he is dying, explains the whole deal with how he was ordered to search for Rayquaza yada yada. Throughout the exchange, Ruby gets increasingly upset).

Ruby: (thinking) barred from the test and forced to search for Rayquaza… It must be some kind of punishment! What could Dad have done to warrant such… why was he made responsible… ?!

Ruby: … … but… come to think of it, dad is not someone who makes mistakes easily… something’s not right!

Slight aside, Ruby has been so convinced of his father’s power by others that he is unwilling to even CONSIDER that his dad fucked up, which… wow!

Ruby: That day… Dad must have taken the rap for someone else… and… (flashbacks to Salamence Incident) that person… was….

Ruby: (out loud) … me?! That person who set Rayquaza free… was it me…?!

Norman: Yes.

And then he dies!

(Technically he says “oh I did all that out of love” (paraphrased) and then dies but it’s just a continuation of the previous thing).

Norman, before dying, does not say “I’m proud of you” or “I’m sorry for everything” or anything remotely comforting, instead he says “hey Ruby, you’re responsible for my death and all your childhood trauma alongside your friend’s. Peace.” (this is paraphrased).

Even on his actual deathbed, Norman places the blame on Ruby for Norman’s own actions. He makes Ruby feel guilty for Norman leaving, Norman hiding information from him, and Ruby’s tumultuous childhood.

CONCLUSION

None of this is to say that Norman doesn’t love Ruby or that Ruby doesn’t love him back— I’m fairly positive the two of them love each other dearly and want the best for each other. However, Norman is a child abuser who reacts violently, instigates violence, and then turns around and denies said violence. He creates a culture of fear among his family, gives Ruby some serious communication issues, and the narrative takes his side. Norman is a child abuser in canon and has a very VERY profound effect on Ruby which has emotional ramifications throughout Ruby’s entire character arc all the way until oras.

TLDR: Normans sucks man

[babykatsu]

First Kiss.

-

pairing: katsuki bakugou x fem!reader

word count: 3k

rating: mature 🌧

warnings: kissing, suggestive content

genre: fluff, tiny bit of angst

masterlist!

Synopsis: you and bakugou had never quite got along. Not because there was any bad blood, he just chose to very obviously avoid you and treat you like every other extra in the class. However, while out on a walk during the evening, you stumbled onto bakugou all alone and seemingly upset. That's when this rocky relationship became a bit more stable.

The night sky started to paint the atmosphere, the cool breeze swaying your hair and tickling your exposed skin. As you slowly settled into your new dorm at u.a, you found yourself feeling more tense than usual. Maybe it was all the stress of the move or just plain old homesickness, but either way, the feeling ran deep within you. That’s exactly why tonight you decided to take a walk, not too far from the dorms, but just enough to finally take a refreshing break.

You eyed and analysed the scenery, the dazzling stars sprinkled the navy sky above that dripped its evening hue onto the shrinking sunset. Softly, the wind spun in and out of the trees and bushes, their leaves rustling and crunching followed by the occasional whistling of the wind. It was a calming scene to watch.

As your eyes explored the view around you, they landed on something a bit more unsettling. A blonde male, better known as katsuki bakugou, sat on a bench in the distance.

This evening, similarly to you, he had felt overwhelmed. Though he hated to admit it, he started to feel out of touch with himself, someone had been on his mind. It felt like a constant itch that never went away, no matter how much he scratched at it, the thought failed to leave him alone. This very thought he blamed for his sudden “downfall”. Admittedly, to everyone else, this failure he considered himself was completely unseen. It was all in his head.

You carefully scanned the boy from afar, reluctant on whether or not you should approach him. After all, he wasn’t the nicest of people, or at least that’s how he presented himself. Him blowing up in your face was the last thing you wanted. A heavy sigh escaped through your parted lips as you weighed the pros and cons of this current situation. Should you approach him?

The initial conflicted question was soon provided with an easy answer.

You watched his body tense up further and further, his hands clenched into tight fists as his eyes stayed fixed on one point, clearly zoned out. Something was bothering him. Regardless of his awful demeanor, you couldn’t help but lend him a listening ear. After all, it was in your nature to be so blindly giving sometimes.

You took slow and hesitant steps towards him, his bothersome state becoming clearer. The steps you took were gentle, soon gaining more of a steady pace. Though your stomach was turning, adrenaline coursing through your sluggish body as your heart thumped in your ears. It was no surprise that approaching him would shake up all these nerves inside you, his reaction would be unpredictable. You were definitely scared and nervous about the outcome, however, your caring nature got the better of you.

Soon, you were right next to him, taking a careful seat on the bench, not too close but no too far. His unusual unfocused state the only reason you were able to get so close. As your body finally made contact with the bench, his head took a harsh and sudden snap. His vermillion eyes glared right back at you, his posture only getting tenser.

“um...hi” you started shyly.

He was clearly taken aback if it weren’t for his current state, you doubt he’d tolerate you being near him. His face grew flushed in embarrassment, his eyebrows furrowing angrily at his sudden “weak” response.

You didn’t know exactly what was on his mind, why he was flustered or why he was so tense. Only if you knew that it was in fact you who was bothering his thoughts tonight.

Bakugou had never had an intense liking to someone, someone he didn’t even know, someone who was just an extra in his little world. It frustrated and confused him beyond compare. Tonight, he couldn’t shake the thought of you, and to be honest, it began to frighten him a bit. After all, he was new to these sorts of emotions. No matter how much he distanced himself or was rude to you, this weird feeling never left him. And it just had to be today, the day this thought bothered him most that you showed up.

“fuck off” he cursed, glancing away and sinking into the bench.

His words were harsh, but his voice came out calm, motivating you to try and figure him out.

“Hey, listen. I was taking a walk, had a lot on my mind and I’m guessing you do too”

You tried sparking up a conversation once more, a warm smile on your face. You kept your eyes on him, watching his response but he remained silent. The chilling air caused a shiver to run through you, more nervous now to see what would happen next. You tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear, nuzzling your hands into your oversized sleeves.

“just go back to the dorms, dumbass” he mutters taking a quick pause before his heavy eyes fall back onto you.

“you’re clearly cold”

He was right, you weren’t just cold, you were practically freezing. Yet, you didn’t want to go back, not right now. You’d never had a proper conversation with Bakugou, a once in a lifetime opportunity. Not to mention, you’d often prioritized someone else well-being over your own.

“and something’s clearly bothering you” you gave him a reassuring smile, hoping to warm him to the idea of opening up.

He didn’t seem to budge, instead of crossing his arms over his chest and giving you a smug look.

“nothings fucking bothering me. just go home”

his cold attitude should have hurt you, but his blatant lies only confirmed your suspicions. Something was definitely bothering him. Deep in thought, you bit your lower lip, looking down at your hands that hid cozily in your sleeves. Another breath escaped your lips as you dared to speak again.

“I want to stay with you for now” you hesitated to speak out at first, wondering if such a response was too forward. Maybe it was the adrenaline that invaded your thoughts right now, or maybe it just felt natural to say, regardless those words had left your mouth.

Bakugou felt his body tense up again as his stomach felt an unfamiliar buzz. Completely lost for words, so he just hummed in response.

You both stayed in comfortable silence for a while. You watched as he sat almost paralyzed, his hands returning to their shaken state. Watching him like this was worrying, to say the least, maybe even terrifying. He was one of the strongest students in the class, never showing a weak side to him, until now of course. You didn’t know what to do or what to say.

Gently, you untucked your hand from your sleeve, the cold air harsh on your skin as it lost its previous heat. Though you were nervous to make another move, you didn’t want to see him like this anymore. You reached out slowly until your cold hand rested on top of his larger, more heated one. In fact, his hands were dangerously hot and sweaty. Now you were really worried about what had worked him up this much.

His hand twitched as he felt your touch, shocked by the sudden affection he’d never experienced before. Yet he allowed this foreign territory to be further explored, making no effort to push you off or yell. His heart began thumping faster in his chest, his stomach turned as adrenaline rushed to fill his body. He was no longer bothered by his previous thoughts, previous worries of you clouding his mind for days, the unshakable feeling he got around you. Maybe it was the adrenaline, but those thoughts were soon buried deep inside him, long forgotten. All his mind could think about at that moment was your touch. How soft your hand felt as your fingertips carefully massaged his hand, the way your minor movements brought him to a calmer state. But most importantly, how cold your hand felt.

“your hand is cold” he spoke bluntly, no emotion in his voice, contradictory to his adrenaline being at an all-time high.

“it doesn’t matter”

Your voice was gentle, like your touch it was somehow soothing him. It didn’t make this weird adrenaline rush calm down, it was probably just making it heighten. However, his anger, irritability, and lack of patience faded as you quite simply just sat there, softly speaking. It was odd that another person had so much control over him, not only invading his daily thoughts but now in possession of his very emotions. That’s how he viewed the situation at least. But even when this thought hit him, he couldn’t be mad at you.

“it does matter, dumbass” he spoke slightly harsher this time, worry laced in his voice.

You were taken aback by his tone, not prepared for his empathy. But he just kept surprising you more after that, giving you no time to respond. He interlaced his fingers with yours, his hand engulfing your significantly smaller one. His hand felt warm, very warm. His touch was rough, but it held way more emotion than you could uncover at that moment. As you stared down at your hand hidden within his, you felt your face burn red.

Never did you imagine that you’d be in this position, sat next to Katsuki Bakugou, blushing at his selfless gestures. On top of that, you never imagined he’d be like this.

He grabbed something from his side, the side that wasn’t visible to you.

“wear it, you’ll be less cold”

Rather than handing you the jacket to put on yourself, he used his free hand to rest it over your shoulders. A soft smile lingered on his lips, his eyes starring deeply into yours as he waited for your reaction.

Your heart rate sped up as your blush grew deeper, his action making you feel something weird towards him.

“Thanks, bakugou” you managed to say through your flustered state.

You felt the bench move slightly, as bakugou shifted closer towards you, his leg now in contact with yours. You were side by side, joint at the hands as your shoulders, thighs, knees, all of that were pressed together.

“I have something to ask”

Through the midst of all of this, his voice sounded calm as though unfazed by anything going on. But as you watched his seemingly emotionless face, you saw his hidden nervousness, his face starring straight ahead as a soft pink glow coated his cheeks. Was he blushing?

Before you could think, you lay your head onto his shoulder, your other hand coming to rest on top of your intertwined hands. You hummed in response, eagerly waiting for his question.

“what does it mean when you can’t stop thinking about someone. like you try so hard but they won’t leave your mind”

his question was a bit out of place, but it soon started to make a bit more sense as you allowed it to sink in.

“in what way? like they’re annoying you or are you interested”

You question back, trying to gather more information on his situation, realizing this is what must have been bothering him.

Weirdly enough, someone had been bothering your thoughts as well. Maybe that’s exactly why you felt so flustered at his simple touches. For months, you found yourself attracted to Bakugou, his little glances towards you sending an electric feeling to course through you. Better than anyone, you understood how he felt in this moment, and the frustration of not being able to get someone out of your head, especially when liking them seemed so far fetched.

“I never really thought of it but I guess interested or whatever” he let out a low sigh.

The reply to his statement was simple, he liked someone. Deep down, you wished it was you, after all, you’d been feeling this way for bakugou for a while. However, he had no real reason to like you, he pushed you away, ignored you, and rarely made an effort to talk. Today was a situation slightly out of the blue, his actions out of character but enjoyable.

“then you like someone” you chirped.

You sounded happy for him, well you tried your best to. But the selfishness within you was still present. you hoped he was talking about you.

You heard a low laugh escape his lips, his hand squeezing yours a bit, but not in a painful way. Tranquility surrounded you both once more as both of you didn’t speak.

“well, i guess i like you dumbass”

You felt that same buzz bounce around in your stomach as his simple response clouded your brain. You were not expecting him to say that. Not at all. You finally turned to face him, his ruby eyes less furious as they had a sleepy look to them. His face was calm, not tensed up in a frown or in an annoyed glare as it usually was. Not to mention, his ash blonde hair was spiked up but slightly messy. He looked... cute. You felt your face get all warm, your chest all fuzzy and your hands began to slightly sweat. The nervous feeling you rarely got was present. His eyes stared right back at yours, his lack of emotion in the face and unreadable expression only made this feeling you were experiencing more intense.

“it’s not mutual?” he questioned, almost sounding disappointed as you remained silent.

You took in a deep breath, nervous to respond but you didn’t want to ruin the moment.

“no, no... it’s mutual”

The stuttering in your voice was evident, he knew exactly how nervous he made you and it filled him with pride to know that.

Silence invaded your surroundings. Your bodies turned towards each other, your eyes still locked. you analysed his features, hoping to understand what he was thinking or feeling, but it was impossible.

The distant sound of passing cars was now audible as no one spoke, the rustling of leaves as the wind hummed.

"you sure" he finally spoke up.

"I'm sure"

You both stayed silent once more, not moving an inch as you awaited his next move.

"I just don't want to fuck this up" he admitted.

This moment was nothing like you have ever experienced with him before. He was being confusing, acting out of character, and the feelings that flooded your body only made this whole situation a lot more perplexing.

"you won't, i promise" you gave him your signature smile, hoping to keep him from breaking character even further.

You watched him carefully as he edged closer to you, making your heart race. His face was only inches away from yours now.

"Don't make me fucking regret this then” he scoffed, his minty breath tickling your face.

You didn't know what he was doing, but the anticipation was killing you.

You felt his warm hand trail up your stomach, making a stop at your waist, gripping it softly. His eyes darted around your face, almost as if he panicked to see your reaction.

Nervousness and excitement pumped through your body, heat rushing to your face at his soft touch. You gave him another reassuring smile, confused as to whether you wanted him to do anything more or if you wanted him to get his hands off you.

His eyes slowly, met yours again fully concentrated. Your chest felt slightly tight, the nervousness only growing greater and greater, making your heart pound at your chest. You really prayed he couldn't hear how loud your heart was beating.

Once again, his hands wandered, lightly grazing across your cold skin, leaving goosebumps with wherever his warmth evaporated after his touch left. He finally placed this hand on your cheek, rubbing his thumb in circles. His eyes flickered between your two eyes and mouth, almost as though he was drawing a triangle on your face. that's when it really hit you, he was going in for a kiss.

He finally leaned his face closer, his lips slightly parted. It felt like time was moving in slow motion, still yet to process the exact event that was currently unfolding. But all the analytical thinking soon vanished when his soft lips finally locked with yours. You batted your eyelids shut. The tenderness of his touch finally calming you, the confusion and fear steaming out of your body. His lips slowly started to move as you adjusted into the kiss. Your both inexperienced lips moved oddly in sync, locked into each others like jigsaw pieces.

You picked your free hand up, pressing it against Bakugous abdomen. he twitched under your cold delicate touch, but as you dipped your hand under his charcoal coloured top, you felt him relax. you traced your fingers up his abs, admiring his physique.

He brought your face even closer to his, as the hand that had been resting on your cheek slid up to the back of your head, tugging softly at your roots. His nose bumped yours a bit as his silky platinum hair tickled your face.

The kiss was soft, soft for a guy like him. you never expected his touches to be so gentle, or his kisses to hold so much emotion. It felt like with every time your lips collided more and more emotions fogged your minds.

you pulled your hand from under his shirt, bringing it up to his collar, tugging the cotton material towards yourself. His chest was flush against yours, his heart evidently beating fast across you. The sudden contact of your two bodies sent an overload of excitement shooting through you.

Without warming, his gentle hand untangled from your hair, instead grabbing your hand that was tugging at his tank top. Eager to gain dominance, he grasped your wrist, snatching it from his body. Though his current movements were rapid, they still remained careful not to hurt you. Quickly, he rested your hand on his thigh. His grasp loosened, gently caressing your palm with his warm fingertips before interlacing his fingers with yours. His other that hand that was once locked with yours, now snaking around your waist.

He sunk his teeth into your bottom lip, not too roughly, but noticeably harsher than his other actions. Your lower lip was given a slight tug, and in this short moment, you both caught your breaths. You opened your eyes slightly to meet his as they bolted around your face. Without a second thought, he leaned back in, smoothly dipping his tongue into your mouth. It felt warm and soft as it pressed against yours. He explored every inch of your mouth, his tongue brushing and swirling your own. The warmth filled your mouth as he claimed your mouth.He continued to deepen the kiss, it becoming more sloppy and careless.

He pulled away suddenly, a trail of saliva connecting you both. A smirk was plastered on his face, as both of your faces beamed red.

“did I fuck it up” he questioned, as his chest was rising and falling in an attempt to catch his breath.

you gave his hand a soft squeeze, leaning in to give him one more peck on his lips.

“not at all”

The softness of your low whisper to him, caused a child-like smile to form on his face. He brought you closer to him, his hands leaving their previous positions to wrap around you in a tight hug. His head reset over your shoulder as he hugged you.

“well, does that make you mine?” his breath tickled your neck as he spoke.

You only had one answer to his question, not hesitating to give it.

“I’ve always been yours”

and with that, this once foreign feeling, foreign acquaintance, foreign touch became something a lot more familiar and secure for the two of you.

[a/n]: I hope you enjoyed my first written piece of work on here since I’ve never shared my writing🥺 ngl this was little bad but I still put in a lot of effort into it so I couldn’t let it go to waste :) don’t be shyyy to give me feedback on my work!!

[funkymbtifiction]

hi charity! i’d like to ask your help, thanks to you i’ve been able to finally pin down my type to being an enxp 9 sp/so, i’m here to find whether i’m an enfp or entp. i keep jumping between the two types but i am leaning towards enfp. do the following things sound like it? [...]

I would say so, yes, although I do want to address this:

but sometimes i still can’t help but wonder if i use ti/fe anyway when i compare myself to my mother who is such an isfp it hurts. her feelings are extremely, extremely important to her, she gets offended easily, and while she is very sweet everything is still weighed by how she feels about it. but maybe it’s just the fact that she is a fi dom? i have to care about something to really put my heart into it, but my feelings are not my world like they are hers.

That doesn't make you a TP. Fi-doms are way, way, WAY more emotional, aware of their own feelings, and inclined to act on what they feel than EFPs -- plus, I have noticed that ESFPs are also more openly reactive and emotional than ENFPs, simply because Ne-dom acts as a buffer between the world and an ENFP's emotional state. They can abstract away from their feelings, treat them as something to think about or philosophize on or mull over, rather than them leading to immediate action the way it does with Se.

For me, my stories, my imagination, and my ideas are my word -- definitely not my feelings, which are often neglected in favor of either thinking about things or getting things done. My own Fi runs as kind of a silent mechanism, self-inserting without really deeply doing so -- sort of a "I watch this movie and think about how much I would hate being in their shoes" kind of thing, without it deeply affecting me. The things that most deeply affect me, personally, are when people flat out ignore other people's emotional needs -- my NeFi can so easily fill in and leap to assumptions about the pain that is going to result from these actions that it overwhelms and depresses me, without me actually feeling what others are feeling.

I had an example of it just this week, but it's of such a private nature I can't share it -- suffice to say that someone made a request of someone I know that was so profoundly sad and simultaneously emotionally selfish at the same time that I was angry on the ask-ee's behalf, while imagining the emotions of everyone involved in a season of loss, and it sent me into a temporary depression because I had to dwell on the harsh realities of life and death and suffering. I have to be careful what I expose myself to, because some of it digs in deep, triggers my deeper well of emotion, and won't "shut off" again.

[life-rewritten]

Saying Goodbye to Flower of Evil

So it's finally here, time to say goodbye to my favourite kdrama so far of 2020. This is my post to say goodbye and also go back on all the positives and negatives of the show. It's been a long, beautiful and heartfelt journey. This show means a lot to me, and I had so much fun analysing it, every single week. Let’s start the review:

Ratings: Plot: 8.5/10 Directing: 8.5/10 Acting: 8.5/10 Satisfaction: 8/10 Overall: A Rewatch factor: 7/10

Opinions and Criticisms 

What can I say about this show that hasn't already been mentioned and discussed? What an amazing show. At the end of it all, Flower of Evil is a love story to the core, it focuses on the marriage between our main characters, and we the audience end up invested in watching the layers and truth of the marriage unfold, the psychological circumstances and the  external circumstances that lead us to the factors that will end up either breaking the marriage into pieces or end up bringing an opportunity for healing and unconditional love. 

Characterisation

This show in my opinion subverted  character tropes, in the first episode we're left feeling confused about who to root for;  Do Hyun So starts of a scary personality but we start to see him break down and we understand that we didn't have all the information about him. In the first episode we feel the exact worry and fear Ji Won also ends up feeling as  she slowly uncovers her husband is not who he claims to be. But we also like her start to look deeper for clues to help find the real truth about the psyche of Hyun So. 

We're introduced to characters at the beginning such as Moo Jin (very ableist at first, and problematic) only to see him become 3D and learn from his mistakes and show care for Hyun So and his ex love Hae So. Like with him, we also feel weary about every character when they first appear, even Hae Su who we even feel led to believe is the mystery serial killer accomplice at the start ends up being a character broken, we see how it actually affected her mind and patterns as the guilt ate her up for what happened to her brother. These are just a few of the characters the audience grapple to understand and start of mistrusting. 

Subverting Expectations

The tropes are subverted because this is a thriller, expectations are thrown out the window and changed, when one of our main cops find out about Hyun So's real identity (the show built this up so well since we know from the beginning  that he's curious and very intuitive with cases), we expect him to take in Hyun So and be prejudiced,. It’s a surprise to see he's not , he listens and understands that Hyun So isn't what everyone thinks he is. The other cops do the same as well when Ji Won is 'held hostage' by Hyun So. They don't blame her immediately as an accomplice and only worry about her safety. The cops end up becoming like a found family, the warmth, loyalty and trust with everyone including the chief was shocking to see, and yet the show made us hang on edge for a while to see these characters stories unfold. Yes they're more 2dimensional than 3D but they are important to the story and end up being characters we love and enjoy on screen. 

 I don't have anything bad to say about this show, I even enjoyed the reveal of the villain, Baek Hee Sung, his storyline whilst seemingly making him a very straight forward psychopath, the subtext of the show suggested even more dimensionality and depth to understanding his family's psyche, circumstances and reasonings for why they aided him. He's also a brilliant foil to Do Hyun So who was using his identity without knowing he's the real accomplice we were waiting for. The actors do such a good job in this show, the main couple have great emotional ranges needed to carry the painful, hurtful, alarming scenes. Props to my two favorites, Lee Joon Gi as Do Hyun So was such a perfect casting choice for this show and Kim Ji Hoon as a villain was so delicious to watch, he made me scream and squeal a couple of times. Both so addicting and entrancing to watch on screen. 

Lacklustre writing for Females

Eunha

As much as I am satisfied with the ending I do feel there are parts that a bit lack luster. The use of the daughter in the story of Do Hyun So regaining his memories and choosing to accept Ji Won yet again could have been used more, in fact I thought she was going to run away or do something defiant causing Hyun So to panic and realise he does have feelings and care. (I thought that was what they were building up to when they showed the food in the fridge he kept buying for her without knowing why) But she's pushed to the side, and almost forgotten about until we get a reunion. Eun Ha was such an interesting character to look into and I would have loved more depth and use in the storyline especially when she's connected the most to the humanity of Hyun So. Instead we got the diary scene and the title of the metal workshop being connected to Ji Won and his love for her all along. Don't get me wrong the romance was the basis of the show, so it makes sense we end with it being the most focused part on the conclusion of the show, I just wanted more Eunha. 

Do Hae Su

As much as I enjoyed the characters in the show, I felt the female characters apart from Cha Ji Won were written to be very stupid, emotional or just an obstacle to their male counterparts. This irked me for a while, Hae Su's best part is when she sacrifices her life for Hyun So but before that she acts rashly and keeps on doing things that no one wants her to, I almost face palmed when she went straight to the director after finding out someone in his hospital is the accomplice. Like it's not hard to put two and two together. I enjoyed her as a character but did feel like she was underused more than her male counterpart Moo Jin. I'm glad we get her resolution and she survived

Director’s wife/ Unmother

The director's wife/Baek Hee Sung mother shows potential of being a character with depth and aims, but she also becomes sidelined once her son wakes up, her struggles in her psyche for her new fake son and grand daughter vs her guilt of hurting her real son, was a really good dynamic to explore, but she ends up becoming weak and panicking and being taught by both her male counterparts her son and husband. She just ends up being in the background and seen as the less smart, cunning and clever one compared to them. Didn't really like that, I thought she would be part of the downfall of our villain but she just ends up wasted instead. 

The maid of the Baek’s

Don't get me started about her maid, another female character who is fridged on the show, I thought she was written so stupid towards the end for the convenience of the plot, and I hated that she reacted the way she did knowing the truth she knew. Her outburst and blackmail tactics just felt so out of the blue, it annoyed me to no end. I wish she had a reason that was hinted throughout the show, quotes or scenes that hinted she would betray them for money, more depth shown with her relationship with her and the wife, but no she just reacted out of bounds and got murdered. It was just a bit blase. 

However I'm not saying this show did not also have powerful women characters, well character, Ji Won was smart, cunning and I enjoyed watching her actions after she discovered who her husband was. But for me I would have preferred more females written the same way she was that's all. 

The final moments

I did enjoy the message of the show, especially when looking at what made our characters become/ turn into percieved psychopaths, the connection of Do Min Seok with both Baek Hee Sung and Do Hyun So was interesting to look at, and the way the world treated Hyun So because of his disorder was also painful but written well in the show. One of my favorite scenes in this show, is episode 15, (i wished the show's ending was episode 15, it would have left a haunting effect on the audience but i like happy endings too), when Hyun So proclaims he sees dead people so he can't believe Ji Won is alive. It was a brilliant build up as the ghost of Do Min Seok had been all along a foreshadowing device for this moment, immediately he said that it shocked me and made me realise what the writers planned all along. It was always right there in front of us that this will be an issue, and they used it so well for episode 15.  One of my favourite moments so far in kdramas of 2020. 

The message of the show is simple don't judge someone based on their mental disorder, they're just like everyone else if given the right opportunity to feel, and be treated like normal people. 

Analysis and Devices used

Onto the devices used for analysing this show:

The themes

I enjoyed the topic of Psychopathy, Trauma and Mental Health that was relayed through out the show, what makes a psychopath a psychopath nature vs nurture. I enjoyed how each character's needs and wants is revealed to us subverting tropes and keeping the audience questioning the reasonings and truths of each of them.

The parallels

I also liked the directing parallels when they show both Hyun So and Cha Ji Won doing different things but it connected to the actual plot/storyline of the show for example him uncovering who his dad worked with to get raw materials, and she also uncovering a fake employment scheme with the someone connected to the same person who Hyun So is meeting. They do this all the time, and it's a great way to make the audience feel on edge and worried that soon both her and Hyun So's path will have to meet and she will have to confront him on the truth of their marriage. 

The Foreshadowing

There's heavy use of symbolic foreshadowing, dramatic irony and  withholding of information all used to keep the audience on their toes with bated breaths. The genre was part thriller, so each cliff hanger was deviced well enough to show case some realisations (some painful and horrifying) and also used to make the audience go back on their own expectations and wait to see the story unfold. At first the show starts of like a murder detective show, and I liked how each of the murderers/crimes were connected to unveiling the truth about Hyun So and his father.

Some foreshadowing devices I enjoyed is when Ji Won's identity card gets smashed and handed to Hae Su, at first we don't understand why there was such a scene but it uncovers and we find the horrifying conclusion that Hae Su will get stabbed because the killer misunderstands her to be Ji Won. Each of the devices used end up coming full circle in the plot to keep the audience on edge or hurt and broken at the realisation of what it meant. I look foward to watching another show with this writer and director again.

In Conclusion

This Kdrama surpassed my expectations and even beat my predecessor Psycho but it's okay as my favourite shows. While I did have some issues with parts of it, even with those issues I was left emotionally invested in this show, the characters, the story unfolding. I enjoyed every little thing in this show, I ended up being so effected I cried many times. As a writer, it taught me how to write a good love story, a couple against the world, and how to keep an audience invested. 

[shoyouth]

*falls in* hi :D may i request a reaction (or actually analysis if that works better) with dazai and chuuya and their thoughts/feelings on committment?

chuuya ; it’s not a question of whether chuuya can commit, but rather to who, and to what level of importance.

I wholeheartedly see chuuya as a romantic and a family man, the kind to sprinkle roses on the bed, treat you to fancy dinners, and to take your child to school. I believe it’s realistic to imagine that chuuya does want that (he’s oddly very normal, sometimes), but it’s not a priority in his life at that moment—I mean, he’s in the port mafia and constantly in conflicts, so presently, he’s very focused on himself, his work, and feelings of anger within the same regard.

If given enough time to simply rest, he probably likes to fantasize about romance and spoiling a partner. He probably likes to flirt around the town (not as terribly as dazai did though, of course, make sure to never compare him) but in terms of actually committing, well, that’s an entirely different issue. chuuya would like a relationship, someone to cherish, but he isn’t sure if it makes sense for him, for the time and his lifestyle.

We know chuuya can be caring—he hates dazai, yes, but isn’t he the one who made dazai stop shooting the dead body in their old days? Did he not let himself get bossed around by the sheep because he wanted to look out for them? He’s on the “evil” side but he himself is not without reason, feelings, or morals.

The most crucial point of whether he can commit or not is based on his loyalty to the port mafia. If you were to somehow become involved, you would have to understand that you come second to the port mafia, no matter how much he loved you. After the sheep betrayed him, he committed himself wholely to the port mafia; his workplace is his family, his purpose—it must come first.

But we must remember that chuuya is not the kind of person to half-ass his loyalties; you either receive all of him or none. Therefore the easiest way for him to be willing to commit to someone/feel comfortable being romantic and starting a family, is if you’re already with the port mafia. If not, it would be more complicated.

I don’t see chuuya ever pretending to not be with the port mafia; he is a genuine, direct person and would despise the idea of fooling you, and if he is going to give you all of him, he must show all of himself to you to begin with. You must accept him as he is, and he would only ever dare to do more than flirt if he felt like you were not hiding anything either. And, if you were determined to stand by him, you would have to give up your old life and join the port mafia. If you weren’t willing to accept all of him or, God forbid, beg him to leave the mafia, he would cut off your romance (no matter how long you’d been together/loved each other) and never return.

When mori was out of commission due to the virus, chuuya was the stand in leader. Therefore, with the power he possesses, you would instantly be a target as his lover. You would have to give yourself over to him as he did to you, and you’d have to trust that he’d protect you in the port mafia, whether you worked for them or simply stayed in their headquarters. He would hate to take away your normalcy and freedom, so whatever was in his power he would grant you; chuuya would love to spoil you and make sure you’re safe and comfortable.

So, in essence, chuuya would love to eventually fall in love and protect his partner, but he would only commit if it was an all or nothing for both parties. The bond he would probably have with his lover would be deeper than many other relationships, and I believe a trusting romance would do a lot to make chuuya feel comfortable, stronger, and to heal.

There is a constant reminder of danger though: the port mafia always comes first. And if you were ever kidnapped to get at chuuya, he would do anything in his power to save you, and if he were to fail, he would probably never forgive himself nor would he ever be the same. But if there was nothing he could do and he was forced to choose between either you or the port mafia, well, you knew what his choice would be from the beginning.

dazai ; simple answer, no, he cannot commit. very, very complex answer? yes.

We know dazai is emotionally very complex, even “dead” sometimes, because he is quite morally grey. This is in due part to his traumatic experiences with mori and the mafia, but he joined the port mafia to fill the void in him. Something in dazai is, with lack of better wording, not right, and there is some kind of psychological clog in his emotions and mentality. So to reach him romantically? That would be very difficult.

Possibility, a romance could “fill the void” in him, and though I don’t think he would even want to try that approach, it wouldn’t work for him. dazai wants to find meaning in living for himself, and that can’t be found through proving his worth and protecting others, like it works for atsushi (because even oda told dazai that saving vs killing didn’t matter much to him, but it would be more “beautiful” and more meaningful for dazai, though it’s debatable whether dazai‘s view of the two has changed). If he were to enter a relationship with this broken mentality, the romance would be shallow and only damaging towards both parties.

I would even go so far as to say that dazai has either locked his emotions far below the surface or there’s an actual disconnect. I don’t see dazai as “guarded” so much as “calculated” because it’s obvious that dazai thinks very logically and he is intelligent, almost to the extent of rampo. He predicts many moves of enemies and he seems to always know what to do. Though he may flourish an emotional/dramatic attitude, when left by himself, he is a lot colder and it sends a shiver up your spine. He is, after all, still an ex-mafia member, and he carries those experiences with him, whether locked away or present on his sleeve.

At the very least, dazai has trust issues. He may care for his coworkers, but at arms length. The only true friend dazai had was oda, and I believe that part of dazai died with him. It was only when oda planned to kill that dazai’s calculating and dramatic exteriors dropped and he panicked. dazai most likely never wants to open up to that kind of pain again, for he hates it, doesn’t he? Just like physical pain, romance entails fights, betrayal, jealously, anguish—dazai probably wants a double suicide because he must admire the deep kind of bond lovers have, the idea that you would only want to go out with them by your side—but he wishes to escape all of the pain and skip right to that bond, just like he searches for a painless death.

If you wished to still pursue him, to take him and all his psychological wounds and bandages, it’s like a gamble because of how unpredictable yet perceptive he is. You would most likely have to know who he is inside, who he used to be, who he is consistently hiding to instead be who oda told him to be. but to do so you must be very, very careful. Based on your wording, your circumstances, your body language, you could be perceived as an enemy trying to get at him and he will block himself from you with no entry, even if you prove yourself later. It’s easier to maintain an act on high guard than it is to tear down the barriers and bare himself, to think through his past and actions.

The only people who have really seen that past dazai were the old mafia members: mori, chuuya, akutugawa. I’m sure he doesn’t pretend everything in front of the ada, but similar to chuuya, for him to open up there must be some acceptance of him wholely, that there’s no chance of you running away after so much is exposed; he would only clamp up further, more intent on becoming the “good man” oda told him to be. To take off the bandages, you must be patient and understand that you may never get them all off, that he may never fully open up to you.

I do not see dazai as a very romantic person. Yes, he flirts with many women and always talks about pleasing a woman, but I don’t see him as the type to desire a partner to rely on and love, like chuuya. He is a very private person, and most likely loathes the idea of sharing all of himself with another—even from a logical standpoint, it would only prove as a potential weak spot. He may joke, but he wouldn’t be the type for flings, one night stands, or marriage.

If you were able to enter a romantic relationship somehow, he would perhaps put on a show of physical affection for the ada, holding your hand and boasting about you. If you’re made for him though, you would also know it was exaggerated, and the truest way to know he cares is if he is able to relax that tiny bit with you in private, that he lets you gently unravel his bandages, that he kisses your lips with a slight hesitation. You may never have a relationship with an official title and he may still talk about suicide, but you know you’ve found a place in his heart if he speaks seriously and may question committing the act, even if his uncertainty is brief.

[go-go-devil]

Summarizing the Papas’ Actions with a Single Word

This is more of a writing exercise for myself, but you can see it as one of my headcanons. I just want to flex my interpretations of a significant trait that each Papa has to help me better shape their overall characters. Enjoy!

Papa Nihil: Compulsion

Nihil’s mind has always been a slave to his desires. As long as this old Papa’s able to convince himself that he wants something, he’s going to get it one way or another. While this go-getter attitude initially got him great success in his heyday, it was also the key component in his many downfalls. Whether it be Sister Imperator leaving him due to his unrestrained lust for the women around him, his sons losing their fondness for him due to his flippant treatment of them over the years, or dethroning his youngest for the sake of taking his place as frontman only for Imperator to place a man he couldn’t care less about in the spotlight instead, the list goes on and on.

This reckless behavior can and has often made Nihil feel guilty, but by the time he decides to take a few steps back and assess the situation, it’s almost always too late for him to fix it…

Papa I: Authority

If there’s one thing that Papa I wants to be remembered for, it’s for being someone that others look up to, a powerful figure that someone could both stand in awe at and who would not be afraid to come to them for guidance. The man is wholly obedient to his role as Papa and relishes in leading his flock toward his view of Hell. This is a trait that any good Anti-Pope should have to their subjects, but the truth is that Primo sees it more as something reassuring to himself.

He is acutely aware of his lack of charisma and hindered social skills, especially compared to his brothers and father, and many times he’ll feel that if it weren’t for him being an heir to the papacy that no one would have wanted him as their Papa. And so he finds solace in taking the role as a mentor to others, as a way to both flex his wealth of knowledge and to better communicate to those around him.

Papa II: Control

On the surface, Papa II’s need to always be in control of a situation doesn’t seem too far off from his older brother’s need to display his clout. The difference here, however, comes from scale. What Secondo wants is control over all aspects of both his job and himself: being able to stop an aggressor with either his words or (in worse case scenario) his fists, the ability to regulate his own emotions as not to show weakness nor lash out in anger, keeping a firm hold on both the clergy and those close to him, etc.

While this may seem nothing short of authoritative, his reasoning for this actual comes from a noble place. For much of his early life, Secondo had found himself victim to abuse by several authority figures in his life, and even now the scars inflicted on his mind are still far to deep to heal. He only wants this form of absolute control to protect himself and his loved ones from ever having to suffer like that, even if it makes him seem cold and even cruel to those who don’t know him personally.

Papa III: Love

Above all else, Papa III wants nothing more than to truly feel loved by those around him. “Well, this shouldn’t be an issue!” one might say, “He’s by far the most beloved of all the Papas, his charm alone can provide him with a constant supply of lovers, and even the metal scene recognized his talent enough to give him a Grammy. He must have a surplus of love to go around!” Unfortunately it’s not so simple.

Terzo is a very emotional man with a mind running a mile-a-minute, and because of this his brain seems to greatly amplify feelings of both joy and misery. Just a single word of condemnation and mockery can lower his spirits to a place where not even the thousands of praises from his fans can pull him out of, nor could the superficial affection of a one-night-stand. Oftentimes he cannot effectively calm himself due to his mind convincing him that he has no control over his perceived faults, and so he needs the support of deeper connections, whether they are friends or family or a partner, in order to reassure him that he is worth more than just his title.

Papa IV/Copia: Excellence

From as early as childhood, Copia always felt that he could never quite fit in with any of society’s carefully marked social groups. Perhaps it was his awkwardness combined with nervous tics, or his instinctual lack of empathy for most others (besides animals), or maybe it was how he could never seem to focus on the task at hand but instead daydream about his future desires? No matter what it was, it always made him feel like a lesser person, and he hated it.

Eventually he developed the idea that the only way for others to truly appreciate him was to gain the skills necessary to give him the high ground over his peers, whether it be something as minuscule as perfecting a hobby to show off his skills or as ambitious as attaining higher power in life. Countless times he’s worked himself to exhaustion, even to the point of physical pain, just to prove his worth to the clergy, and every failure brings him such fear that it leads him to more “desperate” resorts as a means of rebounding back to success.

Even with this worrying level of perfectionism, this does not make Copia an inherently horrible person. He doesn’t like to see others as tools for his conquest, especially if they’re nice to him and/or respect his boundaries, and ultimately does want to make personal connections. However, the same can’t be said for people whom he considers his enemies, and now that he’s risen to Papa, there’s a good chance that he’ll use his power to “adjust their attitudes” toward him…

[shinygoku]

Thunderbirds (2004)

A review by me, CutCat! This is 8-ish pages long!

Spoiler for the end of the film warning: Alan is in International Rescue. What a twist!

Totally Turbulent

Soooo, Tbirds ‘04 is one of those Infamous Adaptations, at least among those who enjoyed Thunderbirds (’65) and of more recent times, Thunderbirds are Go (’15). It’s one of those Bad Live Action Adaptations to a near sacred property, making it dubious contemporaries with Dragon Ball [Evolution], Avatar [The Last Airbender] and suchlike.

But wait, is it really That Bad?? Why is it as divisive as it is? What caused the film to be the way it is, and quite unpopular at that?

First I’m gonna make a long story very short by saying that a Live Action Thunderbirds movie was on and off production for many years, and that the script we ended up with is apparently better than another one that was pitched... but there are reports of cooler scripts further back that never made it, for various reasons. It’s almost a story of it’s own right but I’m only going by 2nd hand information at best, so I’d rather just link them at the end for Additional Reading if y’all felt so inclined.

With that out of the way, we have the Takes from the Andersons to look at. Sylvia had a very favourable reception to it:

"I felt that I'd been on a wonderful Thunderbirds adventure. You, the fans, will I'm sure, appreciate the sensitive adaptation and I'm personally thrilled that the production team have paid us the great compliment of bringing to life our original concept for the big screen. If we had made it ourselves (and we have had over 30 years to do it!) we could not have improved on this new version. It is a great tribute to the original creative team who inspired the movie all those years ago. It was a personal thrill for me to see my characters come to life on the big screen."

Whereas Gerry had a considerably blunter response at the opposite end of the scale:

"the biggest load of crap I have ever seen in my entire life."

As for me, a mere fan of predominantly the TAG series with limited but fond memories of the 90’s TOS reruns, I’d been inclined to ignore it and write it off as a DBE or TLA lost cause. But the combined effect of me deciding to check out unpopular media for myself, namely Dragon Ball GT and the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, and thoroughly enjoying both; and the other effect of TAG finishing but my fixation reawakening with the need to consume More, I dived deeper into the fan base than I had dared to before, in which I found more reasons to watch it and make up my own mind fairly.

Find out what I thought, and a review of the movie itself, below the Cut! ✂

Stormy Story

Ok, enough teasing, I see good things in the movie but not enough for it to be a secret masterpiece, not by a long shot.

1/3 Stars from Me. That’s Poor. (Compare with 2/3 being Good, and 3/3 being Excellent)

My main beef is unfortunately kinda the crux of the whole story, so while there were aspects I really liked, it had permanently set the bar low, and other issues were not helping matters. I’ll go into the problems after I sum up the plot.

[sitcom harp music]

14 Year Old Alan Tracy is stuck in a stuffy school with only his nerd friend to confide in. Something’s eating him up, and it’s jealousy over how his family are International Rescue, the secret rescue workers whole pilot the Thunderbirds, impossibly cool craft with capabilities vastly exceeding standard technology. Even when he’s allowed out of school and back to the Island, his envy and barely repressed resentment over not being a member himself causes him to go off and sulk and to try taking Thunderbird 1, the hypersonic jet plane, for a joyride.

His father and the leader of International Rescue, Jeff Tracy chews Alan out for almost compromising the need for the organisation to remain secret, lest their advanced technology falling into the wrong hands. Alas, said wrong hands are already working against IR: The Hood, a diabolical, cold blooded criminal with psychic powers and a grudge against Jeff. After successfully tracking the location of Tracy Island, he launches a missile towards Thunderbird 5, the Space Station where IR monitor potential disasters to prevent as much damage as possible, manned by John Tracy.

With TB5 crippled and John injured, Jeff and his other three older sons all scramble to the disaster zone via Thunderbird 3, the Rocket Ship. But with Tracy Island largely unmanned, The Hood moves in and aims to use the Thunderbirds to rob bank vaults while simultaneously smearing International Rescue’s good name. As the only Tracy brother left on Earth, it’s up to Alan and his 2 friends, Fermat and Tin-Tin, to foil the Hood and save his family, proving himself worthy in the process. He is also assisted by IR’s London Agent, Lady Penelope, and her driver/butler/lockpicker, Parker.

...

Ok, so that’s a summary you may read on the back of a DVD box, maybe it’s a bit long but whatever. Do you see what’s wrong with the story? The massive rift in the formula that should be within a template set by the hugely popular TV Series?

Critical Crux

For me, the main issue with the movie is that the Tracy family are thrown under a bus, or perhaps it’s more like being locked in a closet, in order for Alan to rise up and be The Hero. A show that was about each of them having different roles and personalities to the others, and the movie sees the best way to adapt the premise is to reduce 3 of them to cardboard cutouts who aren’t allowed to do or say anything meaningful, with the exception to this getting the dubious honour of getting a missile and exploding space station to the face.

I can’t clearly express how much this pisses me off! It’s downright insulting and baffling as well. They had pre established characters right there for the taking but go NO! Let’s make OCs to fill this newly created void instead and make the main Message of the film Friendship Teamwork.

Why does every child-skewed media hafta have the Friendship message? It’s a good one, sure, but nothing said in this film about it was fresh or original. Y’know what I see far, far less? Not just in Kid Flavoured Media, but all sorts? The importance of Brotherly Bonds between actual brothers!! I don’t subscribe to the massively misunderstood message version of ‘Blood is thicker than water’, but a story with the siblings actually pushed and stressed and coming out stronger at the end would have ruled!!

[For what it’s worth, the actual saying is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”, i.e. the bonds you choose to forge are more important than happening to be born to certain people. This correct message is still compatible with literal siblings though!]

The other, somewhat lesser Large Issue with the movie is simply that we don’t see much in the way of Rescues with the titular Thunderbirds. We only get the tail end of the Oil Rig in Act 1, and then the ‘Birds are used predominantly to get to London and save 1 Monorail Car with TB4.

Watsonian Woes & Doylist Dilemma

When looking at Media, there’s 2 main angles to consider; Doylist and Watsonian. Doylist is the “real life / meta” angle, the structure of the story or interests of the author being in the plot, that kinda thing. Watsonian is the reason given within the story.

All stories have Watsonian and Doylist reasonings, the trick is to blend them in and not use a weedy Watsonian reason for something stupid happening.

Why bring this up? Because it’s still part of the Huge Problem I have with the film; the Doylist reason for all of IR being incapacitated so easily is so Alan can shine without fighting for focus in a large group. I don’t like it, but let’s go along with it for now.

Believe it or not, but I can accept that a Movie format isn’t going to be the same as an ongoing series. There’s way less time and you gotta hit certain beats. Ideally you also condense the essence of the show into the film while being more than just a long episode. They didn’t hit this note in my opinion...

But other than ‘It has to happen for he story to work’, there’s no damn reason for all the Non-Alan Tracys to be cooped up in the crippled TB5! They put all their eggs into one basket when a considerably more sensible choice woulda been to have a small crew, and the others remain on base. Because even without factoring in a worst case scenario where another missile hits them while in space, killing them all, which totally could have happened for all they know, there’s also the part about them being International Rescue! They gotta be ready to respond to other disasters should those develop. TB1, 2 and 4 were still available for use!

If I was Jeff making the boneheaded decision, I would have taken a second to think about it and have 1 of the Bros come up in 3 with me. Seeing to John shouldn’t be something 4 people are needed for, it would just get more crowded and the oxygen would be used way faster! Considering they all come close to asphyxiating, 2 less people would mean things weren’t so damn close to the wire! (Granted, the movie also has them falling into Earth’s atmosphere and burning up as a hazard, but the whole crew being there doesn’t affect that.)

Jeff! You’re the patriarch and supposedly most experienced dude in the whole movie! Why didja run into that trap with both eyes open? Stressful situation, sure, but in the Rescue Business you need to be able to listen to the cold, clinical angle. You’re risking more of your sons’ lives making such a rash judgement!!

Character Conundrums

This is the part of the review where I begin to really emphasise the differences between TOS and this movie. I’ll hold off TAG for now in the interest of fairness.

The movie is a mixed bag when it comes to the individuals within it. Some have been refreshing updates to stuffy 60′s tropes, but several draw the short straw, feeling even stiffer than their marionette precursors.

Alan - Hoo, boy. The plot follows Alan.... for the third time if you’re factoring in the Supermarionation movies, which was quite the baffling choice as Puppet!Alan is quite the obnoxious jerk. But whatever, new movie, new canon, new Alan. While the Alan of the 60′s was a bizarrely whiny brat of a character considering he was supposed to at least be in his early 20′s this Alan at least makes more sense to be annoying. But yes, he starts off as a sullen jerk with unclearly defined jealousy towards his own brothers and seemingly a lack of grasping the stakes behind International Rescue, viewing being one of the crew as a Cool Job rather than a gruelling, life-risking ordeal. Over the course of the movie (mostly Act 3) he becomes less of a berk and a better team player, even going as far as to save the Hood personally.

Jeff - One of the stronger characters in the movie, even with this poor choice I’ve gone on about already, haha. You get the real impression the job means the world to him, but still secondary to his sons. An update and improvement to the sometimes stodgy and holier-than-thou character from the 60′s, plus his proactive role makes him way less of a backseat driver.

Lady Penelope - Best character and a splendid update to the 60′s Socialite. This Penny is always a delight to see, although her ability to change clothes offscreen sometimes pushes plausibility, haha. She and Jeff also have very natural and endearing chemistry, so for this iteration at least, I’m up for shipping them, something I can’t say for TOS.

Parker - Remarkably true to the beloved puppet version and another highlight. His interplay with Penelope is some of the best dialogue in the whole movie, and was written by Richard Curtis in an uncredited role, or so I’ve read.

The Hood - A shockingly sadistic and cold blooded so-and-so. His Psychic powers have been given a huge boost, and the depths of his spite generates all the tense scenes the movie has to offer. His performance may be the best in the whole film, simultaneously over the top while also completely deadly.

Tin-Tin - Y’know, Tin-Tin is a funny character, in how she’s very different in all versions. I enjoy her in TOS, but her potential as an engineering assistant, mathematician and member of IR are quickly discarded to make her a secretary, which is further demoted to bringing coffee. Ahh, The Sixties! One of her other defining features was the sometimes bickering sexual tension with Alan. Movie!Tin-Tin is still the implied love interest [and the same age] with him, but she’s also an Action Girl extraordinaire, with abilities bordering on metahuman. She can trek through the jungle without slowing down, she can dive underwater for prolonged sequences, and has a variation of her Evil Uncle’s Psychic capabilities, but used for good. Notably, the Kayo of TAG takes significantly more from this Tin-Tin to the original, sadly sans Telekinesis.

Fermat - The only OC I’m gonna dignify with a section here lol. He’s basically mini-Brains, complete with the way he t-ta-tal- -distinctive speech patterns. But yeah, as the hypersmart and nerdy pal, I feel that his role is pretty superfluous, though his performance in the movie got me to soften up, he’s a good kid. Just one who, like, is part of the deal breaking issue I have with the whole film. In a way I think he’d have made a better lead than Alan lmao

Brains - Not much to say here, he’s also a dude in distress for a majority of his screentime. Seems to be older than his TOS self and a bit less subservient to Jeff, but also a father ....or Fermat is his clone. They never make that clear. He’s hit on by the Hood’s Female Scientist and it’s played for comedy, more on that later.

John - In TOS, his role was infamously minimal, as Gerry Anderson took such a strong disliking to the John puppet and the TB5 model that he exiled both into space with a few token shots per episode. So in comparison, this movie is far kinder to John! He has a nice, genuine chat with Jeff, without any mission to initiate said videocall. The movie is also quite mean to John in how he gets bombed by the Hood, his space station in tatters, his arm hurt and then near suffocation with Jeff and most of his brothers. Ahh, the conundrum of being John.

Scott, Virgil and Gordon - No, they don’t even get their own paragraphs in my review. Their lack of presence and importance in the movie is my giant gripe (have you noticed yet?) and it got to the extent that I feel they could have been combined into one character to save casting money. They get maybe 5 lines each, if that. I literally can’t tell Scott and Virgil apart (I know they have name tags on their uniforms, but in most scenes I couldn’t even read that) other than knowing 1 of them is taller. Which that one is, is a mystery.

The only one with a slightly distinctive appearance and air is Gordon, which is another can of worms because he seems to be the designated Doubtful Jerk Brother and that drives me mad!! In TOS he wasn’t as main a character as Scott, Virgil or Alan, but he was still a defined person with his own abilities. And his personality was as a slightly mouthy but the most lighthearted character! Why didn’t they carry that over?!

And yeah, Scott and Virgil are pretty much the Main Two of the brothers in TOS, so their roles being reduced to 1 token act during the oil rig rescue each [Gordon didn’t even get that!] is all the more mind boggling.

Hood’s Minions - Can’t be assed to write their names out, I refer to them as Heavy Dude and Science Woman. Heavy Dude is the Heavy, and his character consists of Dumb and somewhat Sadistic Muscle. Science Woman is first objectified (we see her ass first. Yes, really.) but then it’s ‘revealed’ that as she has Austin Powers level teeth, she’s uuuuuglyyyyy and her otherwise genuine attraction towards Brains is played for laughs with this angle. And that’s still female on male sexual harassment, which doesn’t fly with me. Eeeesh. Bad writing! She does Science Things for Hood.

The Rest - Kyrano and his wife are in this. Wife is Original but basically Grandma’s role, though she doesn’t even get a single word to say. Rip. Also the Hood has a few more generic mooks from somewhere, but seemingly only for part of the movie. Kyrano didn’t do much in the show except get bullied by the Hood and little has changed.

Tone Trouble

I feel like the movie has a bit of an issue with balancing a consistent Tone. Again, let’s look back at TOS. It was a Family Show, designed to not just appeal to little kids, but to also keep their parent and other adult amused. Maybe some of it was also the result of the times, but striking to me is that they allowed the characters to get pretty hurt, complete with red paint being applied to look like realistic blood. Some of the criminals, including the Hood himself, would be very vicious, how he treats Brains in Desperate Intruder comes to mind. There was even firefights resulting in death, like the memorable climax of Operation Crash-Dive, where Gordon has to shoot a saboteur in the back, into the open sea below the compromised plane. He then proceeds to hold the cut wires together with his bare hands. Don’t try this at home, kids!

So while I can understand some of that being removed from the Movie (and TAG), there’s still the irritating going down to a perceived kid’s level for the majority of the film, which is probably also a large reason for the massive structural change. But then, there’s shockingly dark implications here and there, and the haunting sight of the crew trapped on TB5 floating lifelessly in the dark, asphyxiating. But then, again, we have goofy choreographed fight scenes with juvenile stock cartoon sounds. And then, we have Hood force choking Alan?! It has been mostly consistent until Act 3, then the tone goes up and down more than the flying machines.

Revamped Rockets

I’m mostly talking about the main craft here, though I know the Pod vehicles got modified too, I’m not sufficiently a TOS Pod Buff to go over them.

TB1 - Looks real nice! Maintains and even enhances the sleekness, and the idea of a glass cockpit is much better than having 1 tiny window and a dinky TV screen to see by. Oddly dark inside the cockpit considering how much glass there is, though. Probably my fav of the Movie Fleet.

TB2 - Oof. Looks bad, man. Like, really ugly. What have they done to the glorious design that was the Original Big Green? The unofficial mascot from her importance and unorthodox style? They turned her into a stubby, too glossy, chunky bar of green soap. The thick ass legs are a good idea but it sure ain’t enough. Also, she carries 3 smaller pods insteada 1 big one.

TB3 - Like TB1, pretty much the same design but streamlined a little. Docks with 5 sidewise instead of like pen going into its lid.

TB4 - I’m mixed. I like the idea of giving her a glass canopy and extendable arms, but the movie’s version is so boxy she looks more like a small yellow Greenhouse with the rear half of the old Four, haha. The arms also look a little stiff, can they bend? Now, if there was a sleek, glass hulled, variable armed, demolition charges-loaded Four, that would be my favourite possible version ;3 Four is my fav craft in TOS and TAG, for what it’s worth.

TB5 - I say it’s quite a visual improvement over TOS and the odds and ends jumbled look that had, though I do appreciate a bit of Chunkiness. This one really needs to have better defence too, TOS 5 may’ve been able to tank that missile lmao

FAB1 - I know that she would have been a Rolls Royce in the film, but BMW said no, so that’s not a point against the movie. And failing the classic image, it’s cute that it’s a Ford Thunderbird, though I’d have preferred one with those 50′s/60′s stylish fins personally lol. Her ability to fly is new here unless you count the Dream Sequence in Are Go (’66) and the water mode was also seen in that before this, and she gets the job done, though we don’t get to see as many gadgets and gizmos in the course of the film.

Unlikely Uniforms

I really don’t understand these. Why are they off white with minimal accent colours? What was wrong with the blueness of their suits and the broad stripe of a secondary colour? I sure ain’t saying the 60’s costumes were practical or even that fashionable, but they were very distinctive and striking!

Not only that, but for some strange unexplained reason, their uniforms all correspond not to their own speciality, but to which craft they’re currently piloting. Even if they’re all in the same Bird...! So like, four out of five are wearing identical looking red accented suits while locked in TB5. I already find the elder brothers to be the Similar Squad, and their microscopic name tags don’t help!

Why don’t they wear their own coloured uniforms all the time? Then ya don’t need the name tag at all! And the silly implication from the way there’s apparently a whole set of Craft Specific uniforms is that there’s piles of clothes that ain’t getting used in all of them, like the tiny TB4 probably having 6 whole sets on board at the end of the film.

Between that, no blue and the outfits looking like Generic Sports Wear, the only nice thing to say is the THUNDERBIRDS down the sleeve is a cool touch. Which should really say International Rescue or IR...

Mingled Misc.

Yeah, The conflation of Thunderbirds and International Rescue is a tad irritating but it’s actually something I can overlook. It’s not a dealbreaker and it makes sense the Dumbass Public would misunderstand and call them the wrong thing.

Jeff refuses Alan early access into IR and cites “No shortcuts”. Then at the end he echoes this when he is making Alan an official member, saying he did it with no shortcuts. The whole faffing scenario was a giant shortcut!!! Fuck training and being a suitable age, am I right?!

Amazingly I didn’t cover this already, but when Alan shortcuts his way onto the team he’s made pilot of ... TB4. That’s why he’s in yellow accents in the pic. Gordon is seemingly the main pilot of TB3 instead, but the movie doesn’t deign to make that clear. While I appreciate that the 14 year old with no Astronaut training isn’t put in charge of 3 instantly, I resent the careless removal of characterisation. Obviously movie Gordon never served with WASP or won the gold medal in swimming or had a massive hydrofoil crash to nearly kill him but ggggghgggaaahhhhhhhhh

Also what’s with the implication that Four is the Babby’s First Machine? She’s a highly specialised craft that would require different training to flying or Space shit! How dare you?! The most charitable link is that Alan stood around in 4 as Tin-Tin did most of the work herself, but I guess it coulda as some level of experience.

Ford Sponsorship - Gets a bit much! It’s one thing for all the cars to be Ford, but them seemingly owning the News is like an unpleasant look into a world where corporations run everything.... hahahaahaaaaaa........

Marvellous Music

Something the movie really excells at is the tunes! The remix of the Thunderbirds March is good in it’s own right and very welcome, and the new music is all solid. Special mention to Busted’s outro song for slapping so hard even people who hate the movie leave warm youtube comments about the song. I have a habit of listening to it set to TAG footage myself, haha

Sincere Summation

Look, I’ve come off negative in this, but I honestly have a lot of respect for a lot of the parts of this picture. Hood, Penelope, Parker and Jeff are fantastic, the physical models and sets have a lot of care and loving detail poured in, the music is all bangers and other little nods and homages to the show shine brightly. The director got a lot of good work in and I hold him no ill will.

I think the problem is in the Writing and probably Studio Mandates, I’m not 100% sure, but things often get snaggy when the studio you’re working under gets bought out by a bigger company partway through. Again, I’ll refer to the info I’ve seen instead of trying to relay it in my own words.

And they made a real bad call snubbing Gerry as a Creative Consultant. Some of his venom towards the film may be from that, as well as his alleged preference to Team America: World Police as a theatrical homage. And I’ve seen that before and wouldn’t really say that’s true to the spirit of Thunderbirds, but yeah...

I’d be interested in any future Thunderbirds Movies, if that’s ever on the cards again. I’d probably be even more up for continuation of the TAG series, or newer new Captain Scarlet with International Rescue involved. Either way, I want new footage of the Birds taking off again, be it puppet, people, CGI, or something new~

Extra Reading

https://securityhazard.net/2017/05/19/thunderbirds-2004/ Full movie review, warm reception. Contains photos of set pieces and costumes.

http://groovyfokker.blogspot.com/2013/02/thunderbirds-arent-go-unfilmed-versions.html Insight into some of the past issues developing a Movie, but gets some basic information wrong (Since when is Gordon the youngest and TB3 orange??)

Thanks if ya’ve been reading the whole thing! <3

[regeek]

Essay of the North: Dragons, Masks, Ghosts, and Despair

Welcome to the next part of my essay about the Four Sister guardians. This one actually focuses on the sister guardians as individual characters. The thing that first drew me to these four characters as a subject matter is how thematically relevant they are to each book. In my opinion, each of the four books in the third Deltora Quest series has a central theme: in Dragon’s Nest it is dragons, in Shadowgate it is masks, in Isle of the Dead it is ghosts, and in Sister of the South it’s despair. Each of the guardians does a lot to tie these themes together, and each can be seen as sort of an embodiment of that theme, at least of the darker aspects of it. Another interesting thing that ties each of the sister guardians together is that each is a reference to another character in mythology or fiction, so I’ll talk about that here. The guardians are all beings of decay and subversion, so each is a subversion of some classical cultural archetype. Each of these characters, by being so thematically significant, help set apart the third series of Deltora books as a more powerful, resonant story than most youth fantasy stories. 

First let’s start with Rolf the Capricorn. He is the antagonist of Dragon’s Nest, the start of the series. The main theme of Dragon’s Nest is the dragons themselves, and the crux of the story is Lief struggling with understanding these ferocious and powerful creatures. At the start of the story few in Deltora understood the dragons and their role in the ecosystem, so Lief has to learn if he can trust them as he embarks on a quest where they play an integral role. The dragons represent the harsh but important aspects of the natural world. From a distance they seem like dangerous monsters, but are actually vital parts of the environment in Deltora and must be respected. Although people fear them, they are actually keeping Deltora safe and balanced. The first test Lief faces in this series is reconnecting with the dragons and earning their trust.

Rolf is the embodiment of distrust and fear of dragons. Like the dragons, he is the remnant of a long-gone part of Deltora’s history, but not a part that should be brought back. His people are the biggest victims of the dragon’s rage, an entire society laid to waste by their fury. However, the fate of Capra is not what it seemed. In actuality the Capricorns were driving the dragons to extinction, and their obsession with beauty and artifice led to their destruction. They are a warning to the people of Deltora, an example of what will happen if they do not coexist with nature. But Rolf has nothing but resentment for dragon’s and all they represent. He has no interest in the modern state of Deltora, obsessed with a past that will never come back. He is deeply xenophobic, not just towards dragons but to all non-Capricorns. He would rather see the nation destroyed than integrate with it, helping the Shadow Lord doom Deltora to the same fate as Capra.

 Fittingly, he takes the form of a false dragon. His appearance is described as hideous, like something our of a fever dream. He represents everything people feared about dragons, with none of their natural beauty. He seeks to exploit people’s reservations about working with dragons, making Lief question whether he can count these mysterious beasts as allies in his quest. His ultimate goal was to make it appear that the Ruby Dragon had joined the Shadow Lord as the guardian of the Sister of the East. Every step of the Shadow Lord’s plan with the Sisters was to convince the King of Deltora to abandon his quest. In this case to stop the quest before it even started, he cast doubt on the ability to work with the dragons at all. Rolf’s role in the plan was to drive Lief to abandon Deltora to the same fate that befell Capra. 

Rolf is obviously based on a satyr form Greek mythology. He can be seen as a dark mirror to Pan, the greek god of nature. Pan was a being of music and sexuality, an amusing contrast to Rolf’s cowardly, pathetic persona. Over time Pan came to be associated with Pagan and Satanic beliefs, fitting given that Rolf is not what he appears to be. Rolf can also be seen as a parody of Mr. Tumnus from the Chronicles of Narnia. Mr. Tumnus was a faun encountered very early by the protagonists, and was a helpful guide for them. Lief and his companions also encounter Rolf pretty early in their adventure, but he is far from helpful. Although Rolf bears a physical resemblance to various goat-men throughout history, his personality and goals are the opposite of almost all of them.

The next guardian is Kirsten of Shadowgate, also known as the Masked One. Masks are the central motif of Shadowgate, with various types of masks being used by different characters for different reasons. Masks are used to hide your real identity with a new one of your own creation. The Masked Ones use their masks to turn on their old identities and create a new one for their new society. Laughing Jack can be thought of as wearing a mask in the form of his fake persona. Lief struggles with having masks placed on him against his will, overriding his own identity. Lief is shown for the first time a possible other life, one without the responsibilities and hardship of being the king, but with nor personal freedom. 

It starts off with his physical resemblance to Bede, which drives Bess to force him to take the place of her son. At first Bess’s projection of Lief begins simple enough, making him learn to sing like her son did. Lief is too kind to turn her down, and finds himself being drawn deeper and deeper into the Masked Ones. This culminates in him having a mask literally forced onto his face, and he has to tear it off to regain his own identity. The result is a horrifying experience for him in which he briefly loses his mind, and ends with him scarring his face. These scars are a reminder of his experience, and also serve as a permanent physical distinction between him and Bede. 

The book is structured to make you think Bede is going to be the antagonist, serving as a dark reflection of Lief. However, Bede is revealed to be a victim of the real villain, Kirsten. A character barely mentioned earlier, who nobody in the story thinks very much about, is the one behind everything. Kirsten is interesting among Deltora antagonists in that she begins affecting the plot very early on. Long before the heroes find her or even know of her existence she is pulling strings to drive the plot. The obstacle Lief must destroy in this story is not a reflection of his own identity, but someone who has removed their own identity completely. There are many masks in Shadowgate, but none as elaborate as Kirsten’s. 

From what we know of Kirsten’s past, it sounds like she spent a lot of life being overlooked by others. Despite being beautiful, her face was paid attention to, so she created a new one. However, Kirsten is different from the rest of the characters in that both of her identities are “masks” and in her double life both of her personas are artificial. Her phantom is the embodiment of her allegiance to the Shadow Lord, a mask that moves on its own. The Masked One is a projection of her power and rage without having to reveal her true self to anyone. Her victims get no insight into the person killing them. She twists the culture of the man who rejected her, taking the form of a mask with nothing beneath it. But the version of Kirsten Lief and the others meet in the castle is also a “mask.” Its how she sees herself and wishes to be seen by others, but is just as fake as her phantom. Her external beauty disguises her horrific nature, and she forces Bede to live in her pretend reality with her. Her castle is an extension of this illusive reality, a world under her control that disappears upon her death. Appropriately she has reduced the other object of her rage, he sister, to nothing but a face by trapping her in a locket. Mariette no longer has a physical presence in the world, but still has all the things Kirsten will never have. 

It is hard to look at Shadowgate and not see the influence of the Phantom of the Opera. The Masked One bears a physical resemblance to the Phantom, and murders performers to keep imprisoned a beautiful singer. Kirsten is a twist on character of Erik, wearing the physical appearance of Christine but performing the horrific action of the Phantom. Piecing together her identity is a key part of the plot, though the protagonists do not realize there even is a mystery until the end. The Masked One does not hide the image of a face burned by acid, but that of a beautiful women. Amusingly, Lief’s journey in this novel can be compared to Christine’s. Like her he is tutored in signing by a charismatic but untrustworthy figure in a mask, and he ends up with facial scarring like Erik. Also, while singing is used in Phantom of the Opera to communicate and empathize with the Phantom, in Shadowgate it is used to transmit coded warnings about the villain.

Isle of the Dead is about ghosts, the various ways in which the dead and action of the past still haunt us in the present. The most literal example of the ghosts of the past is Verity, and actual ghost keeping record of dark deeds past. Laughing Jack is on the run from the ghosts of his past, literally and figuratively. He can even be thought of as the “ghost” of James Gant, an identity left behind by a man who still wanders the world in search of something. Bone Point and the Lady Luck are places forever haunted by the dark memories of what happened there, showing Lief and the others a recording of it they cannot interact with. Lief and Barda free themselves from the Lady Luck by “correcting” the events of the past, and their battle with the Sister of the West requires they put together various other ghosts, like Verity’s memories, Doran the Dragonlover, and the Diamond Dragon. 

In Isle of the Dead time is portrayed as all-consuming and unforgiving, and the effect of entropy on this story makes the protagonists feel like they are becoming ghosts too. The Sleeping Dunes show how a moment of passivity can lead to you being erased from history and forgotten, like the Amethyst Dragon was for years. Blood Lily Island shows how the passage of time can slowly destroy you. The island looks harmless but it slowly kills you without you even noticing (Rodda thought she could slip a little metaphor for despair past me here too- not on my watch!) Even the mighty dragons are shown to be vulnerable to the power of eternity, with Veritas being trapped by the Sleeping Dunes and the Diamond Dragon being stripped to bones by fleshbanes, which grew to great numbers during her sleep. The Lady Luck shows how you can’t escape the past or the passage of time. Its’ victims were doomed to eventually lose more than they can afford, and its pursuit of Lief and Jack makes them literally unable to run from the past forever. Isle of the Dead is a book concerned with eternity, how the passage of time destroys but also preserves people and ideas.

Doran is not quite a ghost as he is more undying than undead. He has guided Lief and the others through most of their adventures, and the memory of his actions is a great tool for them. However, each time they encounter someone who remembers Doran, they explain that he is long dead and the world he live din has changed. But Doran has been here the whole time, a final taunt from the Shadow Lord. In order to complete his life’s work, he must be destroyed by those he inspired. Doran’s actions are great allies to the king of Deltora, but the man himself is turned into an obstacle. The purpose of this design was to discourage anyone trying to destroy the Sisters, making them feel like they had to destroy their own history and what they hold dear. 

But there is another “ghost” which provides Lief the opportunity to triumph over this challenge: the baby Diamond Dragon. Named after her mother, she shows how the legacy of the past is transferred down to new generations. Discovered on her mother’s bones, she is a glimmer of hope in a quest that seemed doomed. She shows that even as the heroes and icons of the past fades away, their legacy lives on in new generations. Just as Forta carries on the legacy of the Diamond Dragons, Lief carries on the work of Doran. The discovery of Forta allows Lief to beat the Shadow Lord’s trap. Doran’s last moments are of hope, not despair. He was meant to create depression about the past, but his death is a moment of hope for the future. 

The revelation of Doran as the guardian of the Sister of the West is a shocking one, a twist on the usual pattern of these books having a battle with a big creature at the end. But those familiar with Arthurian lore perhaps should have seen it coming. Doran is an example of the Fisher King archetype. Many versions of the Fisher King appear in the tales of King Arthur, and many modern fantasy tales that follow the structure of those stories use a similar character. The Knight of the Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is an example, and Azor performs a similar role in the Ixalan story for Magic: The Gathering. The Fisher King is the final guardian of the Holy Grail, a spiritual and mental challenge after a gauntlet of physical one. The Fisher King is a king who possesses the Holy Grail, but has been cursed by the eternal life it provides. The Fisher King is kept in an immortal but crippled state, forced to watch the land around him with as he lacks the strength to protect it. To retrieve the Grail Percival must let the Fisher King pass away and rest by proving he can protect his kingdom for future generations. Lief does a similar thing by revealing Forta to Doran and letting him finally rest knowing their is hope for the future of Deltora. 

Sister of the South is a story about despair, a theme that has been running through the previous novels but takes center stage at the end. Lief’s journey in series three has slowly been eroding his faith that he can protect Deltora and be a good king. The final Sister is the ultimate challenge to his confidence, and the final phase of the Shadow Lord’s plan is to make his believe there is no way he can win. The endgame is to create a scenario where the land is condemned to die one way or the other. But to build up to that dilemma is a series of challenges to Lief’s optimism, both in his belief that Deltora can be saved and whether it even should. The Shadow Lord does this by guarding the last Sister with an embodiment of Deltora itself, manifesting the cultural flaws of the land into a plot to destroy the kingdom from within. 

How fitting it is that after battling all sorts of hideous monsters, the last battle for the fate of Deltora is against a common citizen. The story of Deltora began when the Shadow Lord exploited the societal weaknesses of the city of Del to seize power, and the climax involves history repeating itself, raising the question if Deltora will ever be strong enough to oppose the Shadow Lord. Paff is the ultimate test of Lief’s abilities as king, challenging him not as an adventurer but as a politician. She turns the citizens of Del into her own weapon, presenting them with a threat their king cannot protect him from and drives them to seek shelter in paranoia and ethnic tension. Lief is forced to question his abilities as king when that question is being posed by his own citizens. And of course Paff herself is a citizen of Deltora too, representing all of Lief’s failures in a single person.

Paff is such a tragic figure because, even though her crimes were horrific, it’s easy to understand what drove her to the Shadow Lord. Nobody, absolutely nobody, treats her with kindness or respect. She was alone and unloved. Lief rescued her from the Shadowlands, but never gave her a feeling of freedom. Yet he never suspected anything was amiss with her, unaware that a deadly enemy was hiding in plain sight. Lief was unable to help Paff but also unable to understand her, never imagining that she was capable of such horrors. Of course, Lief never imagined ANY of his citizens were capable of creating the fake plague, and realizing that it must have been done by one of his subjects but not realizing who it could be was agonizing for him. Paff created a wave of despair within him by forcing him to wonder which of his subjects was a traitor, and that any of his allies could be his enemy. Her plan involved destroying the trust of the people of Deltora in each other, in their king, and of the king and his people. 

The end result of Paff’s machinations is Lief’s lowest point. As he encounters the Sister of the South he realizes he is no different from his enemies. He could have gone down the same path they did, and is tempted to do so at the end. He is as imperfect as the rest of Deltora, and in order to save the country he must destroy one of its citizens. Let Lief’s empathy gives him strength. Even after all Paff has done, Lief still has pity for her. Realizing how similar they were let him understand her pain, and he gave her an opportunity to atone, even after all she did. Yet the Shadow Lord revealed himself unwilling to provide such mercy, taking Paff’s powers and throwing her aside like a used tool. Paff had given too far into despair by this point, and rather than be redeemed she destroyed herself with the greatest symbol of the country she betrayed. 

Before we talk about the cultural references baked into Paff’s character, I’d like to talk for a moment about the creature she controlled, as it is pretty unique among Deltora monsters. Like the Masked One, it is an extension of Paff’s power, its horrific appearance and strength contrasting the unassuming, harmless appearance of its controller. It is a creature of black oil, its lack of shape representing the hidden, insidious threat to the kingdom. It can attack several people at once in all directions, representing how Paff’s plot endangered every level of Deltoran society. The two heads are an unusual feature, unlike anything else in Deltora’s bestiary. The heads being a dog and a bird lack any biological purpose, suggesting that its appearance is more about symbolism than biology. As strange and varied as Deltora’s monsters are, all of their appearances served some sort of purpose. The creature Paff summons feels more like something from ancient myth or religion, not something that belongs in the natural world. It brings to mind the two-faced Roman god Janus, or the cherubim, and angel with the heads of a man, an ox, and eagle, and a lion. 

The more mythical appearance of Paff’s creature got me thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the cultural icon Paff references is the last book of the Christian Bible. The Book of Revelations, also known as the Book of Apocalypse, is a complex and confusing part of the Bible, so I’m going to tread lightly here. The book presents a vision of the end of the world, with human society being destroyed and the people of earth being judged by God. Appropriately, the Sister of the South features an apocalyptic scenario with the grey tide, a final judgment for Lief and the people of Deltora. More specifically the Book of Revelation describes two beasts that bring down human civilization, which I think are inspirations for Paff and her creature. The first beast is a huge monster made up of different animal parts, like Paff’s creation. It caused people to follow it, like how the people followed Paff’s propaganda about the plague. The second beast is a false prophet, which “breathed life” into the image of the first beast, and brought death to those who would not worship it. Paff herself is clearly a parallel to the second beast. Yet like all the other guardians, the story that Paff references is subverted by her. The Shadow Lord’s plan is based on an apocalyptic story he participated in, and he seeks to put the people of Deltora in the same position with the Grey Tide. The first beast was described as a seven headed dragon, yet it is seven dragons that save Deltora, rather than destroy it. Fittingly, unlike in Revelations the land of Deltora is not destroyed, and Paff fails to overthrow society. The “prophecy” the Shadow Lord created does not come to pass, and the despair his plan weaponized is defeated by hope. The story ends on an optimistic note detailing a long era of peace and tranquility. 

These four characters are twisted and sad people, sympathetic yet dangerous. They are representatives of the failures of Deltora, tools for the Shadow Lord to destroy the kingdom from within. Lief’s journey to destroy the Four Sisters is about him coming to terms with the weaknesses in himself and his kingdom. Every step of the way he is shown that he cannot save the kingdom without destroying parts of it. Each of these characters are examples of what Lief could become, and he has prove himself different from them in order to succeed. As Lief battles them externally he is forced into an internal battle, one that has been building up over the course of the series. That will lead us to the next essay, about Lief’s psychology and why the Four Sisters quest is such a difficult and personal one for him. 

[f-agee]

I'm not really good at prompts but here goes nothing.

Claudette is beside herself when she finds out she's pregnant. For most people, this would be fantastic news. Hell, it would have been great news for her if there weren't a few significant issues. The first being that's she's stuck in an almost constant state of peril—second being that she has to find away to keep now not only herself safe but also her unborn child. The last issue but definitely not least is that the father of her child isn't exactly the friendliest or even friendly to begin with.

Claudette/ Frank or (whoever you pick I can't pick between Michael ,Evan ,Frank ,Kazan ,or Pyramid head)

It’s on ao3 if you wanna read it there too. I decided to do Pyramid head cause I like him and it was more interesting compared to some other killers for me

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712846

For the first time after being trapped into the Entity, Claudette cried. She honestly thought all her tears have dried out by now. Every trial being an all too familiar torture she couldn’t even produce tears for anymore, but leave it to the Entity to find a new way to torture its inhabitants. In the end she can’t even blame the Entity for her mistake, it was even kind enough to grant her odd and unusual wish for a pregnancy test after she started getting sick. The dreaded object sat tossed aside carelessly near the log that she sat at, hidden away in the deepest part of an unexplored wood in order for her to feel comfortable enough to take it. It was her fault for not being careful, her fault for not thinking you could even get pregnant here, and her fault for even sleeping with the man in general. Despite everyone else she could try to blame, her newfound torturer was herself.

She tried to reason with herself a little, every act of negligence on her part did have a very valid reason to it. She never had her period since coming here, she’s had unprotected sex multiple times since being here, and if she was gonna be honest, she wouldn’t have even guessed that Pyramid Head was fertile. He seemed more like an entity himself rather than a regular human being. She would’ve been more concerned if she had slept with that Legion boy instead of him, but in the end she’d slept with him and was now facing the consequences of their actions.

There was nothing particularly bad about the man, except for the fact that he was a monster, and that was something that pained her more than usual. It was a somewhat ignorant thought that she would have never had otherwise, but in her grief, logic and empathy was starting to evade her. Claudette knew he was an intelligent beast. He responded to natural human conversation and was definitely capable of deeper thought despite his inability to speak them. They’ve had quite a few deep conversations before they started sleeping together, but for some reason Claudette felt a little disgusted with herself. Almost like she had slept with an animal and somehow found herself pregnant. The thought felt grotesque in her brain, and when she was more like herself, she felt that she should apologize to the man for even having such a thought cross her mind.

She hiccuped and cried harder into her hands. In a deeper part of her mind, she just knew her harsh and untrue thoughts were because of what he was to her. He was indeed monstrous to her both in stature and in nature. A born killer who preys upon the undeserving with no conviction would never make for a good father. She wished Jake had gotten her pregnant instead. They’ve had a few hook ups here and there towards the beginning of being trapped into the Entity.

Claudette couldn’t call it romantic, it was two people who were desperate for contact who wanted to feel a connection with someone they trusted. Their relationship remained platonic despite what they’d have done, and they were both fine with that. Claudette would’ve felt bad if she had thrusted a child onto him for something so inconsequential to both of them, but at least it would’ve been easy. It would’ve been a whole hell of a lot less complicated if it weren’t for the fact that the real father was a non verbal killer. It would’ve been one less situation to torture herself with.

She knew the father wasn’t Jake. They haven’t slept together in what seemed like years, and Claudette hasn’t had sex with any one else recently except for Pyramid Head. Oh God, to think that her baby daddy doesn't even have a name, just a title to call himself, made Claudette feel sick again. Once again, she shouldn’t be attacking him for things that he neither is, nor can he control, and she would definitely apologize to him later, but her child’s growth and future would absolutely be affected negatively by their bloody heritage. It’s already horrible enough to grow up in a place like this, but to have a visible murderer and torturer as your father doesn’t help.

She wonders if the baby would even make it. She’s so lucky she hasn’t died recently, but luck in this place dies just as quickly as the inhabitants it affects. Who knows what’ll happen to the baby if she dies, especially if her killer damages her stomach in the process? She knows that she’ll come back ok, but what about her unborn child? If her baby dies from her inability to protect it, the grief it will cause her would kill her again. She wouldn’t even know when she would have lost it. Prenatal care is almost impossible in this place, even more so with the fact that the only hospital in this realm has an ultra sadistic tormentor guarding it. She would have to wait to either miscarry in or out of a trial, or wait and see if her symptoms go away and she never grows bigger. She’ll sit and wonder if the Entity never put her baby back together like it did her after she died, just to start grieving for something that was dead months ago.

Even if her baby did survive, would they be healthy? Claudette could only imagine what it would be like to have continuous trauma to her womb during pregnancy. It’s not that she would love her child any less, quite the contrary actually, but she would always feel that it was her fault that her child wasn’t born as healthy as it could be. She also hoped that her child wouldn’t be afflicted with the same… condition as its father. She took the time to pause in her tears to laugh dryly. She could only imagine the torture of both carrying and birthing a child with a pyramid head. All of the cute little milestones of the baby moving around in her womb would slice her stomach open, or at least cause extensive, possibly irreversible damage to her. If it got bad enough it would probably be for the best to get an abortion, but God did she want this child. Despite every bad hand that's been dealt to her, she still loved this baby. She still wanted to make it work. She still wanted to see if she and Pyramid Head could be a family.

A family. That’s truly what she wanted at the end of the day. She definitely thought of the other survivors as her makeshift family, but this was different. To love someone dearly and have them love you back in such a way that only parents and their children could share. That’s what she wanted for herself. She wished she could’ve planned everything out better. If she was still going to have a child with Pyramid Head, she wanted them to be in love with each other. To at least have a romantic relationship before being saddled with a child. She wanted to have him love her, if not for her, then for the child. She’s seen what parents who hate each other’s guts do to children born between them, and she didn’t want another thing to add onto the child’s list of hardships. It’s not that she couldn’t have a loving relationship now, they’ve talked a lot and enjoyed each other's company many times before, but the chance that he wouldn’t love her in that way or would want anything to do with the child was far too high.

She’ll find out soon enough. It was for the best if she told him now before things got too deep. Her tears started to subside and before she knew it, she was already getting up to try and find a path that leads to Silent Hill. She only vaguely remembered the way to the confined hellscape, the killer being too new for habitual familiarity, and she hoped she didn’t stumble into any other killers territory. Afraid of what they could do to her if she walked into a particularly hostile domain, she started to feel herself tremble from more than just the tears.

She hadn’t even thought about it, but all of the extra stress that gets put on her could cause her to miscarry. Who cares if you escape a mad man’s clutches, when that same mad man scares you so past your wits that your own body kills the life inside it. Not to mention even if she survives the miscarry danger zone of the first few months, the further along she gets, the harder it is for her to run, hide, or help her friends. Try as her friends might they couldn’t do much for her if she couldn’t do it herself. None of them could face a killer toe to toe, and even as a group they can only save and protect the people who could help themselves out of a chase. If a killer truly wanted to kill a specific survivor, they will, and everyone who tries to stop them will only get hurt in the process. She can beg for mercy from the more kind and moralistic killers. Wraith, Legion, Huntress, hell maybe even the Oni may be more willing to turn a blind eye to her would be rounded form, but she knows for a fact that killers like Clown, Micheal and the Doctor would relish in the new ways they can torture her and would specifically seek her out in trials.

Her breathing got rapid and irregular. She was at the beginning of a panic attack and she knew it. This was all becoming too much for her. All this heartache, for a child that she wanted to keep. She needed to calm herself, knowing that it would do more harm than good if she let herself spiral, but her grief weakened mind couldn’t handle the onslaught of emotions. She paused in her steps, before falling to her knees. She didn’t even notice the startings of the familiar blood stained concrete, or the large figure walking towards her from a distance.

The ground shook slightly with the weight of Pyramid Head’s steps, small tremors getting stronger the closer he walked towards her. The even shaking gave her something to synchronize her breaths to, making her calm enough to at least be aware of her surroundings. Something must have gotten her there quicker or maybe she was just walking faster than she thought, either way she’s glad she made it here and not panicking alone in the forest. The sight of Pyramid Head clambering towards her would’ve scared her a month ago, but they’ve met up with each other like this a lot since then. It especially loses its impact after you’ve slept with a guy. Plus she had bigger fears on her mind than a man who seemed more concerned rather than bloodthirsty.

Claudette didn’t look up to him as he came to a stop directly in front of her. Her breathing had calmed down some, but she could still feel herself shaking violently. Only when the man kneeled down and put his hand on her shoulder, did she look up to him. She wondered how he could see with that thing on. If it were some sort of helmet, he would definitely only be able to give her a sideways glance, as he had to turn his head in order to not hit her with the metal contraption. He tilted his head even more to the side in concern, obviously asking a silent ‘What's wrong?’ To her. She knows she must look a mess to him, tear stained face and hyperventilating while sitting on the ground.

Her attack had mostly passed, but it’s disappearance did nothing to quell her shaking. She was definitely going to start crying again, and she didn’t even tell him what happened yet. The silence was starting to kill her. She wished either of them could speak to break the spell. She wished that she was strong enough to just let it all out. She wished that even when she did tell him that she was pregnant with his child, he could respond back and tell her exactly how he felt about the whole thing. She wished that she could’ve gotten pregnant under normal circumstances. Tears started to flow down her cheeks again as she whimpered softly.

Pyramid Head let out a startled low whine as he quickly shifted from letting go of her, to frantically waving his arms in front of her, then finally settling his large hands on her cheeks to both wipe her tears and let him have a clearer view of her face. He was definitely not used to comforting people, Claudette now knew that for a fact, but his genuine concern and eccentric way of doing it made Claudette feel a little better. She managed to let out a short teary laugh and put her hand up to hold his arm.

“Thank you,” She leaned into his touch and sighed. “I'm sorry... For the things I thought and said that you didn’t deserve. I’m sorry that I forced you into this position. I’m so sorry for everything.”

Now he looked even more confused than before. He paused in his ministrations and only seemed to stare at her. She knows he’s probably tired of her beating around the bush. She hasn’t said anything or done anything of substance since seeing him, only bawling her eyes out and panicking. She might as well get it out already, especially since, as a new killer, he gets called out often and could leave at any moment. She looked down, took a shaky inhale of breath, and licked her lips. Well… here goes nothing.

“Pyramid Head, I don’t know how it happened, but…” A pause.

“I-,” She looked back up at him. “I’m pregnant.”

She could feel him go stiff and even tighten his grip on her cheeks. As he made no further movements, Claudette felt the need to go on. To explain herself, to hear anything but the silence and the lack of clear emotion from the man.

“I asked the Entity to give me a pregnancy test, and it was positive… I want to keep it, if you don’t mind, but I don't know what to do. How we could survive, if we could survive. How I could raise them in a place like this,” Her eyes darted to and fro wildly, her hands following. She couldn’t help but to ramble. She needed someone there to listen, and here was just the man who needed to hear it. “God do I want this kid! I really do, but this is going to be so hard. And I don’t know if I’ll be raising the child alone or-”

Pyramid Head quickly grabbed her shoulders and shook them with a strong grunt. She finally looked up at him to see his large helm quickly swaying back and forth. This was somewhat unexpected to her, considering his lack of a positive reaction initially. Does he want to help raise the child? If so could her little fantasy of a happy family be closer to a reality? The thoughts ran laps around her mind. She felt her hopes starting to bubble up inside her. She wanted to see just how far she can press her luck.

“So… would you be willing to raise it with me?” A nod as his hand went down to softly palm her belly. She was starting to feel a smile coming on. “Well I don’t want to ruin what we have going on right now, but I was wondering if you wanted to.. I don’t know. Maybe start dating?”

There was a short pause that made Claudette’s heart drop a bit. She was going to backtrack on her words, but a confused grunt stopped her. She looked at him curiously as he pointed between them, made a lewd gesture with his hands, then formed a heart after he was finished. Claudette could feel her cheeks heat up at his display before questioning its meaning.

“Where we already dating when we had sex?” A curt nod was her only answer. She blinked stupidly for a second, then laughed at her ignorance. She was apparently worried about their relationship over nothing. She’s at least glad that she had one thing going positively for her.

“Sorry I didn’t realize. Most of the times I’ve had sex was mostly just flings, and to be honest it wasn’t a lot…” He put a hand on her shoulder and rubbed it, trying to comfort her.

“Well that’s at least two of my worries gone, but what about the more pressing issues. I don’t know if the baby could survive an attack or me dying. I know you wouldn’t hurt me, but what about the other killers? You can’t always be there to protect me,” They both looked down darkly at the grim situation. “I mean I could ask some killers not to target me. I know at least a few who wouldn’t hurt me-”

Pyramid Head gave a low growl at that. So that was a hard no, but they didn’t have a whole lot of options here, and Claudette knew that neither of them wanted to test the Entity’s rules on pregnancy death. Suddenly Pyramid Head made another noise as he then gestured to himself, then towards the sky. She took a moment to think about what he was trying to say.

“Are you gonna ask the Entity yourself?” Another nod. A killer asking the Entity for a favor worked out a lot better than a survivor asking for one, but Pyramid Head was new. Who knows if the Entity will trust him to keep promises or not, although he does have a good track record for kills so far. Claudette made a face. She didn’t like to take her chances with the Entity, but this was the only shot they got.

“Well… it’s worth a shot. I sure hope this works out.” She gave a reassuring smile as he rubbed her shoulder again. Eventually he pulled his hand off her shoulder, and opened up his arms to her for a hug. Claudette wasted no time taking him up on the offer, and quickly threw herself into the well needed hug. His hold was strong yet mindful of her small form. Strong bloodied hands lifted her carefully as he stood with her still in his arms. He walked them towards the main building, most likely on his way to the library, as was their usual hangout spot. The familiar scenery of the book filled room made Claudette feel the same sense of euphoria as when she’s in a garden. They definitely have a lot more to talk about, as difficult as some of the conversations may be they must be had. At least they had 9 months to think about the details.

[adverb-slut]

Breakpoint (Fanfiction) Part 3/6 | Asmodeus

I wrote this back in February, but I keep forgetting to post things on Tumblr, so here it is super late.  Thank you to the anon who reminded me to do it!  Chapter 4 (Levi’s chapter) has been in the works since February, too ... fret not, it’s coming ... slowly.

As per the usual, you can read this chapter on AO3 here. 

Title:

Breakpoint

Summary:

These are the tales of when Belphegor, Beelzebub, Asmodeus, Leviathan, Mammon, and Lucifer each decided to actively rebel against their Father and together incite the Great Celestial War.  

Genre:

Backstory/Lore

Rating:

T

Word Count:

3263

Additional Note:

This chapter chronicles the breaking point of Asmodeus!

Previous Chapter:

Read Chapter 2 | Beelzebub here!

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“The Nephilim were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the [angels] went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.” — Genesis 6:4

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If there was one fact that was surer than the truth that the skies would always be blue, that the mountains would never move, that the sun would keep on shining, it was the certainty that Asmodeus would forever adore his job.  

There was nothing about it that he would change, and as far as he was concerned, titular angels, seraphim, cherubim, and archangels, could keep their prestige and fame.  They could cherish the fact that there wasn’t an angel that didn’t know their name, and they could revel in the knowledge that the powers they possessed were unlike any other creature before them.

It didn’t matter to him, for he knew, deep in his heart, that there was no career more fulfilling than being a Guardian Angel.  

Living for several hundred years already, Asmodeus had been assigned to guard dozens of humans in his lifetime, keeping them out of harm’s way and ensuring that their safety was prioritized above all else.  He was friendly with his charges—as all of his kind were instructed to do—but his gregariousness was merely part of the job; it was his responsibility to protect and become close to his human.

However, this all changed with his current charge.  He had been assigned to her when she had turned thirteen.  The only daughter in a family of seven sons, her mother and her long-since-deceased grandmother had prayed to God for several months to send her a protector, for she was often alone when her brothers and father went to tend the field.  

Asmodeus didn’t think much of her when he had first made himself known to her, and she wasn’t particularly interested in him, either.  Their initial meeting had been on the day her mother had died, and she hadn’t been in the mood to see visitors as she mourned.  

After several weeks, though, the two had slowly become friends.  Her mother’s death had left her in charge of the domestic affairs of the household, and she was forced to look after the eight men—nine, including Asmodeus—that shared their cramped tent.  

He helped when he could, for it was obvious to him that she was struggling in the initial months.  Her brothers occasionally wondered if she was superhuman, because due to Asmodeus’ aid, she was able to get the job done of two people (no one could see a Guardian Angel save for their charges).

It was from her that he learned to appreciate the orgasmic fragrance of flowers and the importance of maintaining an aesthetic, considering in a tent of mostly unruly boys, she was the one who kept things clean and free from disease.

This was all well and good for the first six years.  Unfortunately, when his charge had graced the age of nineteen years and four moons, Asmodeus felt something stirring within him.

It was unusual.  He realized it was a different feeling than the elation he felt when he went out into the plains and found a lone lily or the way his heart had filled the one time he realized that pinching his cheeks made them the most becoming shade of red.  

This type of feeling was strange; it was reserved solely for his charge.

The way her smile was just a bit crooked; the brown, unmarred frontier that was her neck; the attentiveness that she showed her brothers after their long days of labor out in the sun; the fact that her plush lips dripped beeswax colored with beetroot; the ardor with which she maintained a sterile tent; the intensity that her full chest heaved with as she hoisted a bucket of water up from the family well to satiate the animals.

There was no part of her that he didn’t envelop in this feeling. 

She was the sun, the moon, the stars.  

He couldn’t place his finger on what to call this emotion—it couldn’t be love, could it?  As far as he knew, love for an angel was the love their Father felt toward them, a stern disciplinary affection, while what they reciprocated was an unbroken devotion that was ever so slightly tinged with terror.

Whenever Asmodeus looked at her, he felt his cheeks bloom and heart soar; he came to realize that unlike his other humans, this one was one who he chose to guard not out of obligation, but rather due to his care and concern for her wellbeing.  

Duplicitous men who approached her in the streets would find themselves suddenly covered in animal excrement, flung upon them by some “unseen hand.”  Owners of shops in the marketplace who dared attempt to swindle her, “mysteriously” discovered that some of their wares had gone missing. Even her own father, who once reprimanded her for cutting her long, back-length hair up to her shoulders, was not exempt from Asmodeus’ retribution: the man’s painstakingly plowed fields had been ravaged and his crops uprooted by what he assumed to be “evil spirits.”

He was content not to act upon the feeling in regards to the girl herself—and besides, it wasn’t as if action would get him anywhere.  Any interaction between a Guardian Angel and their charges that wasn’t strictly platonic was forbidden, and no angel had been brave enough to even toe the line in that realm of disobedience.  

Which made the fact that late one night, Asmodeus found himself completely nude—his sweaty chest heaving from exhaustion and exhilaration—lying on a mat next to his equally drenched and unclothed charge, all the more surprising.

His charge drummed her fingers up and down his arms. “You did so good, Asmo,” she encouraged.

Considering he’d never done that before made the compliment all the more poignant as he turned toward her, propping a hand under his head.  “Do you really think so?” He shifted so he wouldn’t be putting all his body weight on his tender wings.

“Yes,” she breathed, sighing happily.  She pulled his hand from under his head and nestled it under hers.  The woman moved her tapping fingers to his chest, which was lean from doing chores around the tent.  “You’re so beautiful.”  

He could feel his face flush.  He’d never been called that. All his life, he had been conditioned to believe his own appearance wasn’t especially radiant, for he lived in a world where another angel set the standard of beauty.  “You wouldn’t say that if you knew Lucifer.”

“Mm,” she mumbled, kissing his face and running her fingertips along the bridge of his nose.  “Does Lucifer have as beguiling eyes as you do?”

“I’m not really sure,” Asmodeus admitted.  It was rumored that the Archangel of Music had eyes of obsidian, but few had seen him with his eyes opened.  Lucifer was an angel that was always engrossed in his music—completely focused on the sound alone—with no need to give heed to what happened around him.

His charge planted a kiss on his cheek, moving her lips down his face until she reached the nape of his neck.  “Surely he can’t be as enchanting as you. You, Asmo, are the most beautiful being ever created.”

With every touch, with every word, his blush grew deeper, and he wished that this moment could last forever.  

-

“I lay there, wishing that the moment could last forever,” Asmodeus recited. 

It was the next day, and his head hung low to avoid even his peripheral vision from grazing his Father’s glorious light.  He found his attention nervously wavering as admired the Calacatta marble flooring of the Throne Room and the soft notes of the flute that Lucifer played from the Almighty’s left side.

His thoughts jumped back to yesterday’s conversation with his charge; he glanced again at the Archangel of Music, trying to catch a glimpse of his eyes, but as usual, they were closed in peaceful concentration as the master flutist opened and closed the keys of his instrument to create the most rapturous tune. 

Lucifer’s confidence in playing the perfect note every time encouraged Asmodeus to stand a little taller.  He stared at his fellow angel and tried to compare their appearances, an insidious thought creeping into his head: was he truly more beautiful than Lucifer? 

His musings were interrupted by his Father’s voice, which rivaled a volcanic boom in volume.  “Asmodeus, Guardian Angel—what have you done, child?”

His Lucifer-like aplomb melted instantly.  He knew his Father wouldn’t ask such a question lightly.  He had just finished reciting the prior day’s events, after being called into the Celestial Realm to come before the Throne Room of God.  Although he knew that the information he relayed would get him in trouble, he hadn’t expected such a livid reaction.

His Father continued, His glory flashing in and out with blinding brightness, “You have broken the cardinal laws of the Guardian Angels with this lust that consumed you yesterday.  The very laws that I created—the very same laws that you chose to defy!”

“Father, I defied Your laws, yes,” Asmodeus admitted.  He didn’t know if his defense would be seen as insolence, but considering his Father hadn’t reprimanded him yet, he barreled on.  “But, believe me, lust is not the true emotion that overcame me that night.”

His Father’s voice was filled with malice as He hissed, “And what, child, feeling do you determine to have filled you as you made love to that woman?”

“You already said it, Father.”  He gulped, once again drawing from Lucifer’s serenity to grant him an iota of confidence.  “ Love .”  If he could get his Father to believe that lust—what He considered to be the most carnal of sins—did not even remotely influence his actions last night, perhaps His anger would be assuaged.  

“Love?” the Almighty thundered.  “Child, you cannot love a human.  It was I who created them; all their love belongs to Me.”

“It was love, Father,” Asmodeus insisted.  He then realized that he wasn’t even lying.  The feeling which he possessed for his charge truly was love.  

A record was set in the Celestial Realm that day—a record for how bright and furious the Almighty glowed as his Son said those words.

Lucifer’s music was all Asmodeus was aware of as he crumpled to the floor.  His hands covered his eyes in desperation, but it was to no avail; he could already feel them burning from the flashing light that surrounded him.  Sparks flew in every direction and he could feel embers of fire lick the tips of his sandals.  

Despite the sudden torridness of the Throne Room, Asmodeus could feel the ice of dread filling his veins.  A terrified, frozen paralysis took over his bones.

He had never seen his Father this incensed—in fact, most angels took great care in not even trying to imagine it.   

His Father then spoke, His voice dangerously calm, as if His livid glory wasn’t already in full display.  “Look up, foolish child.”

Asmodeus tried to raise his head, but the closer his face inched toward God’s radiance, his shut eyes burned with the blaze of a thousand suns.  

God repeated His command, a ravine of heat threading through His otherwise cool tone, which somehow made it all the more frightening.  “Look up, foolish child.”

He again covered his eyes with his hands, and even though it did little to prevent the brightness of His Father’s ire from peeking through, he was able to at least tilt his face toward the direction of the Throne.  

“Remove your hands and open your eyes,” His Father demanded.  

Asmodeus took a deep breath.  Was that it? Was his Father going to punish him with blindness for his sin?  Because that was what he was sure would happen if he dared take his hands off his eyes.  Nevertheless, he did what was asked of him.  

He choked as he opened his eyes and saw that instead of only his Father’s bright form standing before him, there was his charge, as well.  “But how?” He reached out his hand, gasping when his fingertips went right through her body without her saying so much as a word.

A vision, he realized.  Normally, visions were dreams filled with premonitions sent by the Almighty.  Often they told of future happenings, but there were times when they would show the viewer what was the current status of events if they were not there to witness them themselves.  A typical vision was usually rendered in the mind, but here, in the direct presence of his Father, Asmodeus saw the apparition with his very own eyes.

The Almighty pointed the form of His finger toward a spot on the human’s body, right below her stomach.  There in her womb rested a glowing yellow orb.

“Your ‘love,’” his Father spat, “has brought you the responsibility of a child.”

Asmodeus’ heart stopped.  A child?  His frigid blood thawed, and he couldn’t explain the sudden warm flush that overcame his body.  “I’m … going to be a father?”

“Of a child that is half-angel and half-human, yes.  I shall call this brand of creature, 'Nephilim',” his Father glowered.  “In any case, this cannot stand.”

The warmth in his body immediately cooled.  “Come again, Father?”

“I created humans to populate the Earth.  Angels were never part of My plan.”  God waved the part of His glory that formed a hand, and the vision of the human turned to ash, which dusted the tile floor.  “The child will not survive.”

“No, Father, You can’t—” he began, cringing as he heard the defiance in his voice.

“—Consider it the consequence of your lust, Asmodeus.”  His Father’s tone was decided.  “I will be merciful—even though you deserve justice, instead—and tomorrow, you will return to your charge.  She will know nothing of this incident but be forewarned—if this ever occurs again, there will be no grace. Your erasure from the Celestial Realm will be permanent.”  

Another vision of his charge appeared before Asmodeus.  This time, he was standing next to her as her Guardian Angel, as she wove threads of yarn on a loom.  The two figures laughed as if all was well. 

Something sunk low in Asmodeus’ stomach.  There was nothing more he wanted than to enter in the vision and live his life as it predicted, even if it meant loving the woman from afar.

But his eyes turned glassy as he shook his head.  “Father, I beg You. Spare the child.” He breathed deeply, a vow poised on his lips that he, in the next moments, would come to regret.  “I’ll do anything. I promise.”

His Father’s glory receded, signaling that the Almighty was on the verge of calming down.  “Be careful when you promise ‘anything,’ My son.”

“There is no price I won’t pay.”

“Even your life?”

“Even my life.”

“Your immortal life is worth thousands of human lives.”

“Then my sacrifice should be more than enough.”

The Almighty pondered the statement.  

His silence only served to highlight the fact that during this whole encounter, Lucifer had played his flute, not bothering to watch the drama unfold.

Asmodeus had to give the Archangel of Music credit—considering his dedication to his craft, it was no wonder that their Father always yearned to have him by His side.  Still, he couldn’t help but find it absurd that Lucifer hadn’t even so much as peeked at the spectacle in the Throne Room; his eyes never opened.

“I will spare your life,” his Father determined.  By now, His ire had subsided and it was possible for Asmodeus to face His direction without his eyes watering.  “And I will spare your child’s. However, you will never work for your charge, again. You will never see her and she will forget every moment she has spent with you.  In her mind, you will never have existed at all.”

Asmodeus gulped and he tasted bile in his mouth.  “But what about our child? And the Guardian Angel her mother and grandmother prayed for?  Father, You wouldn’t ignore their pleas.”

“No,” his Father boomed.  He moved the form of His arm and a third vision materialized.  

This time, Asmodeus saw his charge—former charge?—sitting on a bench, again, working on a loom.  The bulge on her abdomen was a clear indicator of her pregnancy. On her left stood a man, rugged and muscular with dark skin; his wings proved that he was an angel—her new Guardian Angel.  There was another man on her right, who kissed the woman on the lips and rubbed her swollen stomach.

Asmodeus gagged—bodily gagged—repulsion filling his throat, as he realized what was to occur.  “You’re allowing that human man to raise mine and her’s child as his own?”  He didn’t want to mention the fact that his Father had chosen for her a Guardian Angel that was physically his opposite.

“My son, did you truly believe that you were to raise this child?” the Almighty asked, His voice genuinely puzzled.  “You are a Guardian Angel; you live to guard  humans that have asked for your protection.  You were never created to parent them.”

“How will I ever see my child, then, Father?”  While he still couldn’t believe that he had aided in the creation of life, he knew for a fact that he wanted to watch it grow and be there for it.

The Almighty was calm as he said, “You won’t.”  Asmodeus felt his heart drop to his feet, as his Father warned, “Remember what I said, My son.  Angels were not created to raise humans. If you so much as think of interacting with this child, then I will have no choice but to bind you and slice off your wings.  Then you will forever remain in the Celestial Realm, doing the menial jobs of the unspecialized angels.”

Asmodeus felt something inside of him grow cold.  Whether he returned to his charge and killed his child or let his child live and lose his charge, he would be giving up his entire world.

“If that’s what I have to do to ensure the child lives, then I’ll take that offer.”  There was no emotion in his voice except for pure resignation.

“Excellent.”  Suddenly, his Father’s voice became as smooth as honey.  Knowing from experience, Asmodeus knew that His next words would be as bitter as gall.  And he was right. “Now, My son, we have discussed how we are going to deal with you impregnating a human.  It is time for your punishment for your original crime: you slept with your human charge. You say it was love, but I cannot see this purely sexual act as anything other than lust.  You know the penalty for that has never been implemented, but it is time.  However, My son, I will be merciful to you, once again.” Asmodeus simply stared dully as his Father continued, “My son, I will withdraw the original punishment for this crime from you, provided you understand the error of your ways. Answer Me, Asmodeus, do you regret what you did?

It was only then that warmth bloomed inside him once more, the burning embers of his own ire against the Almighty.  His Father could call it what He wished, but his passion for his charge was love, no matter how He twisted it.  And that love would always remain for that human woman, wherever she was and whomever she reciprocated the love to.  

There was only one word he could answer with.

“No.”

[shalebridge-cradle]

Bisclavret Round-Up

Unholy took about three months to write. Fairy Tale took five. Hindsight took six.

Bisclavret took nineteen, and that should be the biggest indicator to you that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

This was my first venture into another fandom, and out of my comfort zone (though not entirely – supernatural elements for life). I’m not sure whether or not I did the source material and its characters justice, however, especially with the supernatural element I went with (Wolves are believed to have gone extinct in England in the late fifteenth or early sixteenth century), but I will try to explain my reasoning behind some of my decisions here.

The Characters

My main concern.

We get a good view of Monty’s thought process throughout the show, through the framing device of writing his memoirs and views of his private affairs. Phoebe and Sibella, on the other hand, are characters we don’t get much of in the way of examination – we only see them through Monty’s eyes until the very end, where they reveal themselves as more than that.

Sibella is a bit self-centred, and extremely practical when it comes to how she sees her place in society, which implies some self-confidence issues. Phoebe is more idealistic, and independent, but still hopes for a match fit for a storybook. But, towards the end, Sibella demonstrates she is more than a vain god-digger, afraid of losing the man she loves and willing to potentially compromise her image to save him, while Phoebe shows that she is not nearly as innocent or naive as the people around her consider her to be.

I interpreted the two women’s characterisations as thus; Sibella believes she is bound by society’s view of her. Phoebe does not. This, I believed, needed to be the focus.

Which is where we introduce…

The Whole Werewolf Thing

“[Post-modern Gothic] warns us to be suspicious of monster hunters, monster makers, and above all, discourses invested in purity and innocence. The monster always represents the disruption of categories, the destruction of boundaries, and the presence of impurities and so we need monsters and we need to recognize and celebrate our own monstrosities.”  - J Halberstam, Skin Shows: Gothic Horror and the Technology of Monsters

I gave a number of possible causes of the D’Ysquith ‘family curse’, if it is one – the actions of the first countess, Gregory D’Ysquith burning down a monastery (divine punishment is a possible cause), but I never gave a specific answer. I think I might be operating on the logic of the original Bisclavret – it’s irrelevant.

The reason there isn’t is because I intended it as a metaphor – which I think I’ve made clear with my chapter updates here (though you don’t have to read it that way, Death of the Author and all that), but I never quite decided and what it was a metaphor for. In terms of this particular narrative, it can be read as a metaphor for feminism, and/or a metaphor for same-sex attraction.

Feminism

Edwardian Era England, where A Gentleman’s Guide takes place, is not overly-represented in fiction. Not surprising, considering it’s a pretty short time period between the surprisingly long Victorian era and the world-changing events of World War One. However, when you think of that time period, a certain group tends to come to mind – the suffragettes.

(Just a note. Agatha D’Ascoyne, the character from Kind Hearts and Coronets who inspired Hyacinth D’Ysquith in the musical, was a suffragette. She has no lines, apart from “Shush!” – Deeds, Not Words.)

We know what these people wanted – Votes for Women. They were not prepared to wait for society to change to get it, and when peaceful protest was ignored, they began to act out. They refused to fit into their role of quiet, demure, loyal wives, and for some groups, this was seen as threatening. Anti-suffragette cartoons of the time often depicted these women as old, ugly and/or selfish for wanting similar rights to men instead of accepting their place as a ‘lesser being’.

The point I am trying to make is, being in defiance of the role you are expected to play – which Sibella is afraid to show – was seen by many to be ugly. Beastly.

Phoebe runs Henry’s country estate for him. Phoebe flaunts societal expectations by proposing to Monty, instead of waiting for him to propose, the ‘proper’ way to do things. While she is feminine, she does not fit the idea of what a woman ‘should be’.

Sibella makes a point to meet her obligations as a wife, though she does surreptitiously carry on an affair. She sacrifices her own happiness to get what she wants in a socially acceptable way. She has no intention of leaving Lionel in the source material, but she convinces herself that a rich, good-looking, polite man – what society thinks of as the ideal male – is what she wants, and realises on her wedding day that it isn’t.

And goes through with it anyway.

When she can no longer fit that mould, when she refuses to go along with Lionel’s plan to leech off the countess, when she undermines and argues with her husband, that’s when things start happening. Indeed, her ‘beastly’ outbursts manifest as standing up for herself. She ends the story as a much happier and self-assured person than she was at the beginning, and attempts to bring justice to other women.

Same-Sex Attraction

This is a bit more straightforward. We’re coming right off the back of the Victorian era here, where Oscar Wilde and others like him got their lives ruined. Same-sex relationships aren’t viewed in a positive light at all at this time – you like the same gender? Off to prison with you, deviant!

As people that were (and often still are) villainised, misunderstood and attacked for the crime of existing, some members of the LGBT community reclaim monsters such as vampires, werewolves and the Babadook as their own as a means of subverting their image in a heteronormative society. Being ‘monstrous’ is not bad. Being different is fine. You may feel malformed and wrong, but you are not. You and your quirks are accepted.

For some, the ones to fear are those who appear in the daylight.

Sibella, for all her talk of being a monster, only fights back when threatened. Morton has a heart attack when put in the position of his victims, subverting the formula he’s used to. Lionel, fearing that Sibella will leave him and damage his image, resorts to violence against Sibella and several other women he sees as substitutes for her. Mary attempts to murder Sibella for getting in the way of a monogamous man-woman relationship. In her eyes, Sibella is an irredeemable villain, but Phoebe can be ‘fixed’.

If you want to look deeper into this link between horror and the LGBT community, here’s a video essay discussing gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender representation in horror films.

There are only a few non-metaphorical references to werewolves. The wolf head in Eugenia’s dower house is a family member – as previously mentioned, wolves went extinct in England during the reign of Henry VII. St Hubert’s Key is a charm that more often than not looks like a nail, and was supposed to be able to rid the body of disease caused by a dog or wolf bite. There is some science behind this – the metal was heated before being pressed to the wound, and, if the subject was at risk of contracting rabies from the injury, the heat would likely sterilise and cauterise the potential infection site.

Not the First Murder-y Heir

There are a couple of characters named or directly taken from Israel Rank – Autobiography of a Criminal, the inspiration for Kind Hearts and Coronets and A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder. I’ve compared these works before, so I’ll just go over those that appear here.

Esther (Lane) – The third object of Israel Rank’s affections, and a governess. Knows more than she’s letting on in Israel Rank, and in this story as well.

James “Jim” Morton – Appears for about a page to explain Israel’s disillusionment with the ideal male – while Morton seems great to some, he really isn’t. Since Jim only appears as a child in the book, his characterisation here is drastically different.

Lord and Lady Pebworth – Almost directly lifted from the book, with Lady Pebworth being a bad singer and Lord Pebworth an older gentleman who lets his wife get away with a lot. The difference here is that Israel introduces the Hollands to the Pebworths, while the Pebworths are hoping the Hollands introduce them to Lord and Lady Navarro.

Sir Anthony Cross – Quiet, very well-off, slightly older gentleman who is quite taken by Sibella, but it doesn’t go anywhere. Acquaintance of the Pebworths. Pretty much the same guy.

Ethel D’Ysquith (Gascoyne) – An ancestor Israel is quite taken with, not only due to the resemblance between the two. He’s made the 3rd Earl of Highhurst because I didn’t feel like making an imaginary preceding title (Monty is only the 9th Earl, while the 10th Earl Gascoyne is about five generations before Israel – Ethel was the 6th Earl) and the 2nd Earl, Roland, had already been named in the musical. Phoebe’s description of him is meant to heavily imply he was also a werewolf. If I had read the book before fleshing out the D’Ysquith family tree, he would have taken the role that the first countess plays in the narrative’s events (Ethel Gascoyne hid in a tower with an Italian magician for 20 years).

Kate Falconer – The character who would later be known as ‘Boat Girl’ in Kind Hearts and Coronets and Evangeline Barley in A Gentleman’s Guide. Her great crime is to go on holiday with her boyfriend, and gets poisoned for her troubles. She survives here, and I used her to try a formatting technique (while she speaks, none of her dialogue is in quotes: in a way, she is voiceless).

(Sir) Cheveley Drummond, (Lady) Enid Branksome, and Catherine Goodsall – only mentioned briefly. Drummond is described as handsome and ‘interesting’ by Israel, Lady Enid is a young woman from a penniless but aristocratic family, and Catherine Goodsall in an actress whose abusive husband was beaten so badly by a Gascoyne he joined the navy and never came back to land.

In addition, Lionel’s later characterisation comes directly from Kind Hearts and Coronets, since he gets  almost none in the musical. His breakdown in Chapter 11 follows his emotional journey when asking for a loan – affability, begging, threatening suicide, insults and physical violence.

Literary References:

Not always relevant, but there is a wide enough variety that I’m collecting them.

Every chapter title, and the tagline of the work, comes from Manners and Social Usages by Mary Elizabeth (Mrs. John) Sherwood. It’s a bit out of date by the time of this story (written in 1884), but Sherwood does have some great phrases in her etiquette handbook.

Ruddigore is mentioned in chapter 2, only because it is a musical theatre production (opera) where ancestors play a role and family expectations are subverted.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Hamlet. It’s Hamlet.

When in the chronicle of wasted time, I see descriptions of the fairest wights, and beauty making beautiful old rhyme in praise of ladies dead, and lovely knights...  Shakespeare’s Sonnets, Number 106.

I desire, and I crave… Fragment from Sappho’s poetry.

The countess closes her book; something by a George Reynolds. George W. M. Reynolds wrote Wagner the Wher-Wolf (with that spelling) in 1857.

I met a lady in the meads, full beautiful, a faery’s child: Her hair was long, her foot was light, and her eyes were wild. La Belle Dame sans Merci (The beautiful lady without mercy) by John Keats.

Sibella also briefly mentions Algernon Blackwood, a supernatural fiction writer who wrote a short story about a werewolf (portrayed quite differently here) that a character in 1909 could have possibly read (the story was first published in 1908).

In addition, the whole story is named after a very early depiction of a sympathetic werewolf, Bisclavret by Marie de France (and the most direct I think I’ve ever been with a title). It depicts, naturally, a werewolf (who is also a knight, because not being human doesn’t disqualify you from doing that – cutting social commentary for the 12th century) who is trapped in his wolf form after being tricked by his wife and her lover. Through chivalric behaviour to the king on a hunt, he works himself back into the royal court and, when his former wife pays a visit, bites off her nose. The king thinks the sudden aggressive behaviour from his pet prompts further investigation, the wife reveals all, and the knight is restored to human form. Also, all of the wife’s children are born without noses from then on. Lionel getting his nose bitten off is a reference to this poem.

Uncategorised Trivia

This work was written with the UK spellings of certain words, because it takes place in England. Previous works all took place in the US, and so used US spelling.

Les Patineurs Valse is French for The Skater’s Waltz. Reference to Asquith Jr. and Evangeline Barley.

All of the racehorse names Sibella finds are either variations, anagrams or synonyms of actual racehorses in the Victorian and Edwardian eras. Sir Hugh is Sir Huon, Gil Owen is Neil Gow, Irish Lass is Irish Lad, Supervision is Oversight and Pinnacle is Meridian.

Lionel was right to be concerned about Phoebe’s flower arrangement. Red begonias represent love, lavender-coloured heathers represent admiration and loneliness (and are a reference to another fandom I write for), tuberoses are symbolic of wild or forbidden passion (and was commonly used as a funeral flower), and verbena is reference to romance and sweet memories. The dead foliage is meant to mean sadness. Overall, the intended meaning is I miss you, my love.

[yogaposesfortwo]

The Yamas Explained - 8 Limb Path

The Foundation of Yoga When we mention yoga as asana (postures), we are only pertaining to one among 8 Limbs of Yoga. There are 7 other foundational pillars that structure the 8-fold-path and if we only specialise in the postures, we are ignoring 90% of the practice. within the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali states that every of the 8 limbs is adequate to the others and necessary. Yoga philosophy can sometimes feel very daunting and heavy, it’s tons to digest. thereupon being said, i would like to present this during a way that you’ll be ready to absorb and apply this to your life, so we'll take this step by step, one limb at a time. This will be first during a series of 8. Today we'll discuss the primary of 8 limbs: Yama. What are the YAMAS? The word yama translates to “restraints”. they're what Patanjali calls, the good Vows, a system of living. “The great vows are universal, not limited by class, place, time, or circumstance.” they're essentially guidelines asking us to be reasonable and decent to others. They are ethical disciplines that teach us the way to show up within the world and not be an asshole. Non-violenceTruthNon-stealingNon-excessNon-possessiveness AHIMSA – Non-violence II.35 “In the presence of 1 firmly established in non-violence, all hostilities cease.” There are obvious sorts of violence which will be easily understood like killing or physically harming another person or living being. We are taught from a young age to not harm others, but Ahimsa goes beyond just physical violence. It means “to do no harm”, which applies to others, ourselves, and therefore the world around us. It applies physically, mentally, and emotionally. Non-violence stands at the very core and foundation of yoga philosophy and practice. Non-violence shows up in some ways . one among the most important ways it shows up on behalf of me is that the way I ask myself. The negative self-talk that shows up once I look within the mirror and feel bloated, once I don’t like what my hair is doing, once I desire I’m not ok . this is often once I need to practice Ahimsa. If we would like to march through this life pityingly and act from an area of affection towards others, it's to start out with ourselves. Learning the way to move through lifestyle , and therefore the challenges we all face, is how we grow our capacity to be non-violent. When we practice Ahimsa continuously in our thoughts, words, and actions, our entire personality brings out those vibrations and from our core, we will act from an area of affection . SATYA – Truthfulness II.36 “To one established in truthfulness, actions and their results become subservient.” What Patanjali says about Satya is essentially that whatever you speak is your truth. This sutra doesn’t necessarily always ask telling the reality , it’s deeper than that. He says “ If a curse is spoken, it'll happen. If a blessing is spoken, it'll happen.” It’s an encouragement to steer an open life, to be more honest with ourselves so we will live a life that aligns truthfully to our values. This means standing in our truth and not telling little white lies, albeit it it makes us uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean be so truthful that you simply will hurt another person. We are to talk the reality when true, as long as it’s kind and necessary. If it’s not kind or necessary, then just don’t say it. We’re not meant to cover behind our niceness, we also are not meant to harm another with our words (ahimsa). There’s that quote from the bible “The truth will set you free”, and consistent with the yoga bible (The Yoga Sutras), John was right! Truth has the facility to free us from sorrow and fears. If we all know our truth and follow our integrity we will be more confident in deciding , and in our relationships with ourselves and with others. For me, finding my truth means really digging deep into Hell of my soul and excavating my core values. It’s not a simple task, but once we do that quite work, it’s extremely rewarding. Lately I’ve been practicing Satya by being more conscious of the lies I tell myself. My lies range from “you’re not good enough” all the thanks to “you’re better than them”. I also mislead myself about about time and money, creating an inner dialogue that creates me think there’s never enough. this is often a lie. When I’m ready to distinguish the difference between what are my truths and what are my lies, my life is far more peaceful. I’m a nicer person to myself and to others (again Ahimsa), and overall I feel more grounded. Trusting myself is one among the foremost valuable tools yoga has taught me. ASTEYA – Non-stealing II.37 “To one established in non-stealing, all wealth comes.” Patanjali says, “the richest person within the world is that the one with a cool mind, free from tension and anxiety.” He’s not just simply talking about stealing material possessions from others. We steal in numerous ways in which won't be obvious. Stealing can are available the shape of stealing other people’s ideas, or other people’s time. We steal from the world , we steal from ourselves, we steal from our own opportunity to grow. Let’s use the instance of stealing someone else’s excitement or sadness. I even have a lover who we’ll just call Susan. Any time I’m with Susan and I’m telling her about something exciting that’s happening in my life, or something that I’m sad about, Susan always finds how to show the conversation back on herself. this is often an enormous sort of stealing. once we compare ourselves to others or pipe in with our own stories when someone is else telling us their story, we are, albeit it’s subconscious, boosting our own ego’s and not being present for them. For all you yoga teachers out there, the thought of stealing time may be a big one. It’s important to honor time in order that you’re not stealing it from your students. People have places to be. We must consider it as our practice of Asteya. It’s not fair for you to consistently run 5 or 10 minutes over, that's not some time to require . If you’re getting to borrow ideas from other teachers, give credit where credit is due. Did any folks “make up” yoga? No! can we get inspired by other teacher’s sequencing? Of course! albeit they didn’t structure the pose, if you learned something from somebody else and you’re applying it to your class, honor your teachers and acknowledge them. This is true for timeliness generally . Practice non-stealing by exposure on time to a coffee date or dinner with the women . Honor each other’s time and your own, and remember of once you are taking over an excessive amount of of somebody else’s. BRAHMACHARYA – Non-excess II.38 “By one established in continence, vigor is gained.” All things carefully . The fourth yama asks us to use moderation in our lifestyle, and with our energy. this suggests that when our bodies are tired, we rest. And when we’ve been sitting on the couch for two days watching Netflix, we move. Essentially, Brahmacharya is about maintaining balance altogether senses by practicing moderation and consistency. Think for a flash about what’s sitting in boxes in your attic or within the basement or a storage unit. does one actually need these things? If you’re being honest, does one even know the contents of these boxes? once we have an excess amount of “stuff”, this is often described within the Sutras as overindulgence. It’s the things that you simply want, but you don’t actually need . In my experience, these things weighs us down and blocks us from reaching our greatest potential. Getting obviate the unnecessary possessions frees up space in our minds and in our lives. It creates a way of liberation and vitality. This also applies to an asana practice. once you do a pose because simply because you'll or simply because you see others around you doing it, but you don’t really need to try to to it, this is often practicing in excess. simply because you'll doesn’t always mean you ought to . It’s important that we concentrate to our bodies once we are on our mats so we will listen and concentrate to what we really need vs. what we would like . this stuff feel similar but if we take a better look, they're very different. And if we will lookout of our basic needs, the requirements subsided and fewer valuable. APARIGRAHA – Non-possessiveness II.39 “When non-greed is confirmed, a radical illumination of the how and why of one’s birth comes.” The 5th and final Yama, Aparigraha, means non-greed, non-possessiveness, or non-hoarding. It also can mean non-clinging, non-grasping, and non-coveting. Another to thanks to check out this, is having the ability to “let go”. Whatever we possess, possesses us. We can abandoning in some ways , like letting go of our attachments to identities, or to our favourite clothes. Without realizing it, we walk around in life, attaching ourselves to identities or roles (mom, doctor, yogi, vegan, etc) and that we allow them to define us. this is often where we get in trouble. What happens if we allow our external environments to impact our belief about who we are? for instance , let’s say you let your job title define you, otherwise you deeply identify together with your romantic relationship, then you get fired or your spouse dumps you. You then also lose your sense of self. you're then liable for your own pain and sadness. This Yama is about releasing attachment to people , to substances, to the will to realize success as sort of validation from others. As we cultivate a way of simplicity in our lives, we start to honor ourselves on a way deeper level. Taking It beat The Yamas are our basic restraints. Read them, and skim them again. Soak it up and let it sink in. These points are something to review and live by throughout a whole lifetime. Revisit them however often you would like to and begin applying these principles to your life, and the way you show up within the world. Allow them to require form, and witness the evolution of your own being. Author: Nicole Gheorghe Source: https://dopeyogi.com/the-yamas/ Discover more info about Yoga Poses for Two People here: Yoga Poses for Two Read the full article

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14x14: Dean and Cas and Questioning the Status Quo

Note: I found this in drafts and I believe I chopped it into smaller pieces, but I thought I’d post the whole long thing because it actually ties back to the lack of communication currently happening in S15 and the need to shake up the status quo. By, you know, someone actually speaking words. And the other, you know, actually listening. :) 

Let’s take a closer look at this, because it warrants a closer look, or so I’d like to argue: these two idiots are (and Sam too but Dean and Cas more prominently so in this ep) locked in a status quo that is informed by Dean’s inability to stop believing that what he wants is something he can’t have.

Know what I mean?

Now, I think the dance around this fact in 14x14 is quite elegant, way I see it, and though what exactly the gorgon represents is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demi-god character, yeah?

Now a bit of a look at the interaction we have in the episode between Dean and Cas. (I have a very strong urge to refer to them as nothing but the two idiots for the rest of this post but) (I shall not)

1. Invisible Cas (and Jack)

It’s rather striking. The first image we get of Sam and Dean breaking through that door together, and alone, only for a mirror moment to come barely a minute later of them doing the exact same thing, only now Cas (and yes, Jack) is stepping through the door with them. *goosebumps all over*

What does it mean? Could mean a host of things. To me? 

Well, Noah can’t see angels. Right? Fair enough, he can’t see either Cas or Jack so it’s not like Cas is special here, not really, but what does Noah represent? I talked briefly in an ask about whether he’s representative of toxic masculinity and how I don’t think he is. 

He’s submitting to his fate, isn’t he? He’d rather not, but for survival’s sake, he doesn’t really have a choice. He’s performing ritualistic killings because that’s what’s expected of him. He’s not taking any real pleasure from it. Not very toxic, especially when compared to Michael the Dick Archangel, who breaks his promise to Rowena and slaughters the innocent’s of the bunker without mercy.

I would say Noah is more likely to be representative of suppression/repression, predominantly suppression in Dean, because oh, man, is Dean tying himself in very knowing knots this episode, and predominantly repression in Cas and Jack, which is why it makes enormous sense to me that he cannot see them.

You see, where Dean is completely aware of his emotions and is actively and consciously suppressing them - which is so fucking unhealthy - Cas and Jack are both shown, throughout the episode, to be unaware of how deeply their unconscious repression runs. I’ll talk about Jack in a separate post, but oh god. It’s lovely.

Sidenote

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

(long af)

2. Almost Liturgical

This scene is so incredibly wonderful for setting up Dean and Cas’ attitudes for the rest of the episode. Cas is observant and supportive and quietly brazen in making Dean be honest with him, and Dean can’t resist opening up, not when Cas asks him to. Prompts him to, even.

There’s so much softness from Dean here, and I’d say Cas sees it, and still doesn’t see it at all. Dean’s been looking at him with heart eyes for so long without it meaning that anything between them is developing or, I don’t know, renewing, that Cas just takes that softness and those heart eyes at face value.

There are subtle shifts throughout this scene between them, but the biggest one, to my mind, comes once Jack is back at the table and tells them he’s fine, because Dean then tries to swipe his opening up to Cas, as well as the severity of his reminding Cas of Plan B, aside by being flippant and adding this smile:

Which basically gets him a stern look from Cas -->

--> because no, Dean, Cas isn’t fine with everyone being fine. You can’t just make him be fine with Plan B, because Plan B is anything but fine.

And Dean looks contrite enough -->

--> and, I would say, realising exactly how open he just left himself to Cas’ scrutiny. Feeling exposed and vulnerable and a little raw and this isn’t helped by Cas putting himself in a position of having the upper hand by using a word that’s not in Dean’s vocabulary, because whenever Cas gets the upper hand it serves to remind Dean of? 

Yes, that Cas isn’t his to make heart eyes at.

Because? 

He believes, to his core, that what he wants, he can’t have.

I’d like to shake him. And shake him hard. Because even when Cas, over and over, through his actions and reactions, tell Dean exactly what he’s feeling, Dean still doesn’t see.

And so he goes from the soft expression and full on openness with Cas...

...to that ^^^ detached and Got Work To Do expression.

*shake shake bloody shake*

Now, of course, the fact that he’s being open and making heart eyes and feeling all sorts of things that are scary as all fuck to him and always have been - the scariest thing of all is love, right? - makes him go to great and unnecessary lengths to cover those feelings up to anyone who might be watching him.

And to suppress them to himself.

Stop wanting, essentially. Letting that hope flare that Cas could love him back only leads to pain and pain and pain, because in his low self-worth idled brain, his thoughts are stuck running along the same lines that they’ve always been running along, saying the same thing they’ve always said: why would an angel rescue him from hell? 

Which translates to: why would he ever deserve Cas’ love? 

In his head, he doesn’t deserve good things. 

And he’s perpetuating this conviction out of fear, rooted in losing his family at four years old, a loss that has cemented the belief of how Good Things Don’t Last, and this cementation has occurred in Dean out of sheer ego self-preservation, and Michael now is the ultimate proof of that. Michael in his head. Because Dean said yes. So -->

3. Overcompensation

This is Dean’s default reaction to Cas being in an obviously superior position, no matter how small that superiority might be. In 14x14 it’s something as simple as Cas having a deeper vocabulary and Dean being in the sudden situation where this is revealed to Jack, who couldn’t give less of a fuck, but since Dean just spent five minutes laying his soul bare to Cas, this moment is like a slap back to reality for Dean.

And what does he do?

He does what he always does. He tries to put himself in the superior position, because, truthfully, he knows he never really can be superior to Cas, because, um, angel. Yeah. Can’t really bypass that fact.

This ^^^ is all about Dean desperately trying to cover, trying to act like Cas knowing things beyond what Dean knows makes him, somehow, inferior. 

Look, Dean’s habit of pulling Cas down to Earth is never malicious in intent, but all to do with Dean’s insecurities and, in many scenarios, also directly linked to his falling in love and not believing, ever, for a second, that Cas the angel - as an angel - could or would or should love him back. 

The angle in 14x14, where he makes light of Cas’ superior vocabulary by putting him in with the brainy kids in AV Club - and look at how it sets up for Dean with his next breath trying to impress with his knowledge of Medusa, that turns out to be based in a movie that’s exaggerated the myth for entertainment purposes, which leaves very little of his knowledge to feel as impressive as Cas’ observations regarding the gorgon - the AV Club reference aids in Dean’s suppression of his emotions.

All the while this utter verbal denial of what it is that he truly loves about Cas serves to underline to us how he really feels deep down, and knows he feels deep down, which is why he’s scrambling to cover it up, terrified the truth is written all over his face, the way it is whenever he looks softly, softly at Cas and dares to open himself up to everything Cas means to him.

So instead, in dialogue, he goes:

-- Oh, look at the baby in the trench coat. Not so powerful now. -- Oh, look at the weird, dorky little guy. He’s not a commander. -- Oh, look at the nerdy dude who knows words. He is so not my type.

Yeah, okay, sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Cas is like The fuck? -->

*darling Cas*

Now, when it comes to not seeing, we are presented with a baddie who eats the eyes of his victim to glimpse the future. Obviously he doesn’t snack on anyone’s eyes out of TFW 2.0, but he does carry a bit of the whole other side to him, where he can read people’s fate, with him in how he interacts with them, doesn’t he? It’s like he reads Jack’s palm, once he has him in front of him. And Dean and Cas?

Well, not the first one to point out that they’re both flat on their backs on the floor by the end of their encounter with the flood. 

I mean, their encounter with Noah. 

Who is actually the saviour away from the flood. Almost like their interaction with him constitutes the way out of drowning, for both of them. Funny that. But I’m skipping ahead.

First -->

4. Regards, Noah

Dean,

I see you standing alone by the truck stop reading this. I see you and the tall man and the red headed witch chasing me. I will always see you. Stop, or I will make you stop.

Regards, Noah

I’ll get back to this.

5. He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

So, we arrive at the confrontation, which opens with the statement Noah makes of how he’s a lover, not a fighter. Interesting, isn’t it? Because this is truly the core trait of the entire TFW 2.0 --> innately they are not killers, they are protectors; they are not weapons, they are shields.

In the confrontation scene we also get a previously invisible and now not at all invisible Cas focusing on giving the antidote to the victim, while Jack keeps Noah distracted by listening to the fable. 

Cas is mildly on guard about the whole thing and finally comes right out and questions Noah’s motives for telling the story to Jack. When Noah gives voice to what could be read as Cas’ own worries concerning Jack burning off his soul, Cas attacks, because he doesn’t want to even think about the implications of what Noah is seeing, or unable to properly make out, in Jack -->

--> in this context, Noah as a manifestation of Cas’ suppressed fears about Jack’s choices.

Cas being in denial of how serious Jack’s situation is, is given to us in the El Saboros, because we see Jack alone healing himself, burning off his soul, and returning to the table with a ready lie of how he’s fine. Cas might not be convinced, but he’s also unaware of how Jack is still coughing up blood, and if he wasn’t suppressing his constant worry, arguably writing it off as him being overprotective, he’d most likely take actual action in order to stop Jack from walking down the dangerous path he’s stubbornly treading. 

(rather than the righteous path) (*clears throat*)

Back with the confrontation, where Noah very easily disarms Cas (demi-god that Noah is and all), slaps Cas twice, once across each cheek, and then kisses one of those cheeks, effectively paralysing Cas with gorgon poison. 

Cas goes rigid and falls to the floor, unable to move, but the antidote doesn’t work on Cas.

Why does the poison have the same effect on him as on a human, but the antidote doesn’t? Why does it take Jack sacrificing a piece of his humanity in order to tap into his angelic powers for Cas to be released from the poison?

Mh-hmh, let’s look at Dean before we try and answer, shall we?

Dean bursts in and Noah very easily disarms him (Noah can fight y’all) and knocks Dean’s head once, twice against the wall, rendering Dean unconscious.

Let’s glance back for a moment at how we got to here:

Throughout S13 Dean was confronted with toxic masculinity representatives leading right into him saying yes to having the most outstanding toxic masculinity representative literally possess him by the end of the season. S13 was all about making Dean aware of how toxic the ideal he’s modelled himself after for so long truly is, and he did begin to move away from it, this in order to be equipped to recognise Michael’s true colours, once he had to grant them absolute access.

S14 has been very much about confronting the past and all those suppressed/repressed fears and hangups being pushed to the surface. This while TFW 2.0 have all been asked - in not so many words - to find the answer to the question of What Do I Want? 

Dean’s reply to this question in 14x12 is so far from what the narrative is continuously angling for it to be, that only two episodes later that answer is not only nullified, but brings on a possible narrative punishment, because odds are that Jack, through self-sacrifice, is opening himself up to a world of hurt, and if Dean’s answer to the question of What Do I Want? had been different, if he’d reached that point in his individuation process where he could be honest with himself, then the outcome would have been different too.

But he hasn’t reached that point, and so the outcome is what we’re given in 14x14. So, what’s Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want?

Plan B.

You see, Dean doesn’t believe that they’ll find another way to beat Michael, not really. Dean is humouring the people he loves, but he’s expecting them to be the ones to do all the emotional work and let him go, rather than him doing the necessary emotional work and confronting his fears, collected in the manifestation of his shadow-self: Michael.

Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want? is to symbolically put himself into the box of societal norms that has dictated his relationship with his shadow-self for his entire life, and drown his ego, his consciousness, with the cycle of unhealthy suppression/repression that the darker side to his shadow-self is responsible for maintaining. (Dean’s suppressed longing for more, for a long and happy life; and his repressed childhood neglect)

Why? Because his fears run so deep that he doesn’t know how to confront them without annihilating his identity. To get to his true identity, though, he must confront these fears and understand the truth: that his fears are nothing but a construct, and that he can choose for them to no longer hold any merit.

6. Shake Shake Shake

Now, diving back into 14x14, where Dean and Cas are both flat on their back thanks to Noah.

So, let’s pull on the symbolical threads I set up at the start of this post. Threads that are very much tied to the Jungian doctrine of individuation, which I first wrote about here and have been reading up on since. (seriously it makes for deeply satisfying study) (Carl Jung was a great man)

Cas

When it comes to his worry for Jack, Cas deals in suppression, but when it comes to answering the question What Do I Want? Cas deals wholly in repression. He is not being honest with himself, and it’s given to us in his exchange later on with Jack, where he talks about humans as burning bright, unlike "things like us”. 

Yes, an unspecified thing is what he identifies himself with. 

He doesn’t identify himself as an angel, which, to my mind, is important, but for him to also step as far away as he can from humanity is equally pertinent because, well, this meta writer does believe that he needs to admit to himself what it is he truly wants for himself before he’ll be able to properly begin the final leg of his journey towards internal balance. 

Noah’s note underlines how he sees Dean, but Noah couldn’t see Cas, and to me this is all because Noah is much more narratively tied to Dean, while serving - as representative of suppression/repression - to narratively highlight these habits in all of TFW 2.0, but there’s another layer to it, where Noah is tied to Cas’ repressed true identity, meaning Cas is blind to his own repression.

(and Jack is blind to his own internal conflict, given to us in dialogue when he yells at Michael - childishly - that he’s not a child) (because Jack still is a kid)

Looking at the setup of Noah not being able to see Cas and Jack, it could be argued that he can’t see them, that he’s cut off from them, because they’re unaware of him, and so he’s unaware of them.

Awareness is key to confrontation. So, to me, it’s delicious that it’s Cas and Jack who grow aware of Noah and go to confront him, allowing him to see them, because it’s the ego’s awareness that allows for any internal imbalance to be confronted and worked through.

Moreover, Cas’ continued unawareness - his inability to recognise what it is he’s actually doing - of his own repression is what is keeping Cas complacent.

It’s keeping Cas accepting the status quo.

It’s keeping Cas paralysed in his own skin.

See what I’m getting at? Cas’ confrontation with Noah is brief, very, very brief, and Cas is disarmed very, very quickly and receives the kiss that paralyses him after being slapped, like a proverbial wakeup call, on either cheek, by the representative of his repression.

And, look it, when it comes to the question of why the antidote doesn’t work on him: if Cas had been human, it would’ve.

But Cas - being an angel - needs Jack to help him, needs Jack to burn off a piece of his soul in order to get the poison out, needs Jack to unlock his limbs and get him out of the paralysis. 

Jack, who in 14x08, was shown to be such an incredibly important tool for Cas’ individuation, since Jack is the one who symbolically (and literally) woke him, making Cas aware of his shadow-self.

And where Dean is unable to face his shadow-self due to his low self-worth making him fear what it will mean for his ego, aka his self-view and understanding of who he is if he were to confront his deepest fears, Cas’ low self-worth is equally exposed through his acceptance of the shadow-self’s threat to come and take him in his happiest moment. Cas doesn’t believe he deserves more, so for his happiest moment to be a point of punishment makes perfect sense to him, and this makes it incredibly difficult for him to break out of his complacency.

Better the status quo than the Empty.

Better a useful thing than daring to consider what would actually make him happy by truthfully answering the questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be? and going for it.

*shake shake bloody shake*

The poisonous kiss from his repression, and Cas’ inability to get himself out of a state of paralysis without Jack’s help, doesn’t necessarily set up for what’s to come, but to me it does underline what is: as an angel Cas is stuck in a place where, as a human, he wouldn’t need help getting out of.

And this place that he’s stuck in takes a toll on the one person he’s tried, for seasons now, to protect - Jack - and this moment is entirely reflective of - and of course helps set up for - Jack’s choice to step into this exact same position for Dean, when he kills Michael. 

Dean

Oh, Dean.

Old patterns are a bitch. 

Actually, old patterns are turning into his greatest enemy, which gets me all kinds of squeakily excited for him. The lessons he’s been set out to learn for many, many moons now, are, at this point, hitting him so hard over the head they’re knocking him out against a wall.

Dean was fighting his toxic masculinity in S13. Growing aware of the ideal and moving away from it so that he can see Toxic Masculinity Michael for what he truly is, but because of patterns that have informed Dean’s sense of identity ever since he was a child, modelling himself on John and his mode of Feelings are Weaknesses that Will Get You and Your Brother Killed, Dean can’t bring himself to believe that there’s a way out of this confrontation with his shadow-self without killing the ego. Meaning without killing his conscious idea of himself. And because of the fear this brings of losing his sense of self completely, his incapable of believing there’s a way of beating Michael.

Even when Dean is sitting in front of the key to his own faith in the future, and yes, indeed the key to Dean’s faith in the future has always been Cas, and Cas is basically telling Dean that there’s no way Cas is ever giving up on him, and that they’ll find another way, Dean still can’t submit to his own need to believe, because his love of Cas is tethered to just as much fear as anything else, and confronting that fear, his fear of love and having hope for the future and believing that Cas does or could love him back, brings on just as much of an identity crisis as the thought of confronting his shadow-self.

And it’s all connected, of course. Because Dean’s internal fears don’t exist in a vacuum. But if he dared lean on his love for Cas and the faith and trust it’s always brought him, then he’d find the strength to confront his shadow-self and question all the lies it keeps filling his head with when it comes to perpetuating his low self-worth. Likewise, if he dared push past his identity crisis and begin to question the lies of his shadow-self that keeps his self-worth low, he would begin to feel the faith and trust Cas instils in him, and he’d start to believe in the love that Cas is continuously showing him.

But Dean can’t.

Dean is stuck in the belief that lingering in the status quo, and keeping to what he knows, is preferable, because there’s this huge thing in the way for Dean to be able to do anything else.

And holy fuck it’s formidable how this is now set up. (if I’m right in this reading)

The huge thing in the way for Dean to dare open himself up to his true identity is his inability to let go of old patterns, and 14x14 makes it explicit to me that this inability is rooted entirely in his neglected inner child. 

So what truly needs nurturing and attention and for Dean to grow aware of exactly how much he’s been neglecting it, is Dean’s inner child. An inner child that he’s been ignoring through his repression of his yearning for love. This yearning has been present in him since childhood and he’s repressed it by adopting the adage that feelings are weaknesses, and adopting this very harsh take on love in order to protect himself from a father incapable of providing the affection every child needs to feel truly safe and protected.

Moreover, Dean has been putting up walls to keep out the memory of the horror of his mother’s death and the guilt that’s haunted him and the mistrust it’s produced in him of anything good ever truly lasting for very long, and this, all this, is why he, in 14x14, teases Cas and tries to cover up how he’s really feeling and it gets him his head smashed into a wall by the representative of all of the above fears collected into his lifelong habit of suppression and repression of his true identity.

Noah sees Dean.

Noah will always see Dean.

And the narrative punishes Dean’s inability to break old patterns by having those old patterns knock him out cold, because clearly something needs to happen to shake up the status quo. 

Because the representative of Dean’s neglected inner child is...?

Jack.

And so Dean’s inability to do the shadow work needed, or to fully trust in those he loves, brings about the necessity for the representative of his inner child to step up to the plate and take matters into hand by expelling the manifestation of Dean’s shadow-self, while taking part of it into itself.

Yeah, I know right?

To my mind, Jack swallowing Michael’s grace is set to lead to not very good things.

Well, ultimately it will, I believe, but, oh, there may be quite a bit of glorious turbulence ahead. Or, at least, a huge push for Dean to face his internal imbalance and find a way to start all the emotional work needed if he’s to take full responsibility and stop running.

7. Off With Their Heads

This image is so powerful, because it serves so many possible purposes and can be interpreted in so many different ways, but here’s what I see:

A foreshadowing of the snake in Dean’s head (Michael) shedding his skin

An underlining for what Michael shedding Dean truly stands for: the first step toward internal rebirth/renewal for Dean

A plant for Jack picking up Felix and claiming him for a pet, which is deeply symbolic when looking at what Jack represents in the narrative, and what Jack himself needs for his own progression

But first, we get Sam also thrown across the room, very, very easily, by Noah the suppression/repression representative, because of course, Sam’s got his own shit to work through. Like his inability to take a moment for himself. His codependent behaviour runs so deep that he has no idea who he is unless he has people to look out for. And, good Lord, all the people under his protection getting killed by Michael after Sam insisted they bring Dean back. The internal conflict must be tearing Sam apart. *hands clutched to mouth* It’s not your fault, Sam!!

Once Sam hits the floor without getting knocked out (feels possibly significant here because Sam leading the way in letting go of the dependency and pushing himself into adulthood feels so important for Dean to finally allow himself to do the same) (but we shall see about that) we get Jack cutting off Noah’s head.

And looking at the fact of how Jack is the one to place his hands on either side of Rowena’s head, driving Michael out of her, you might say he cuts the head off both snakes in this narrative, right?

But, as I wrote here, he also swallows one of those snakes down, taking its essence into himself, while keeping a little piece of Noah in a glass box in his room, and so it can be said that he, symbolically, is tied to both symbols (suppression/repression/shadow-self) and is the last snake standing.

So. Turbulence.

Because Jack is no snake.

Jack has felt like a powerful symbol of internal balance for all of TFW and so for this symbol to now be in such absolute imbalance is quite possibly heralding Jack’s own dark arc, which could prove a necessary push out of the status quo that Dean and Cas and Sam are all in. 

Something to shake shake bloody shake them awake already.

Please. And thank you. :)

8. Access Denied

Cas has tried, on more than one occasion on the ride back to the bunker, to heal Dean, but he can’t. He can’t even see what’s going on inside Dean’s head.

*slow eyebrow raise*

Dean’s repression knocks him out -->

leading to Dean’s shadow-self no longer staying suppressed

leading to Dean’s inner child confronting the shadow-self with a declaration of how its not a child

Dean’s inner child swallowing the essence of Dean’s shadow-self down and declaring that it’s now itself again, restored to its former glory through taking into itself the toxic masculinity representative that’s the source of Dean’s repressed longing for love and his neglecting of his inner child in the first place

Oof.

Cas suddenly has no access to Dean because Dean’s repression runs too deep, and faith can’t reach where it’s not welcome, where it’s constantly shut down and mistrusted, and neither can love.

Especially not a faith or a love that doesn’t actually believe it belongs there.

The fucking status quo acting like the barrier it’s always been between these men, the barrier sitting like an enormous obstacle in front of open communication and honesty with each other, but foremost with themselves.

*so frustratingly amazing*

[tothedarkdarkseas]

Is murdoc capable of doing genuinely kind, good things? Do you think he ever has in his life, or ever will?

I think that’s a great question, and I think you’re trying to get me in trouble!

I should probably preface that of course I like Murdoc. I find Murdoc to be a very compelling guy. I think there can be an understandable defensiveness around our favorite characters, and there can be a fear, maybe, that if you sympathize with or relate to Murdoc in some way, it has to mean he’s a good person, otherwise you’re not a good person, and that isn’t acceptable. I don’t agree with that, but I understand it’s a feeling that can be hard to distance yourself from. I’m not here to insist everyone has to be as hard on the characters as I am, but I don’t want discussing them in terms like this to be seen as “bashing” and not just, y’know, one fan’s thoughts on a messy complicated dealio.

Disclaimers all accounted for… I lean toward a “no.” Not on those terms, at least. I don’t mean to discount Murdoc being capable of good, as anyone is capable of doing better and improving in some abstract way; I also don’t mean to discount that Murdoc has ever, in the entirety of canon, said nice things to fans in webcasts, or tried to do something to help the band, or had sincere emotions of regret or gratitude. But I do think if we’re defining “being good” as “doing good things” (and I do think that’s a fair enough statement) then seeing that with consistency would be a major difference. And this isn’t meant to disparage any redemption or color me as someone with no faith in Murdoc to change, but I do admittedly like to keep an unpretty reality to the characters– and realistically, I don’t know if at nearly 60, Murdoc’s in a very likely position to turn his entire personality around and become altruistic. Not saying it’s impossible, but I don’t find it likely. And I don’t personally need it to happen, either.

Here’s the bigger issue (at least in my characterization of him, I don’t necessarily think I can or should argue for anything else here): when Murdoc shows kindness it is not always genuine, and what about Murdoc is genuine is not always kind. It is difficult for Murdoc to be a “sincerely giving” person, because being kind, patient, generous, or humble are not emotions that I think Murdoc feels sincerely. Not unprompted, not non-performatively, not alone in the dark. I think Murdoc feels slighted. I think Murdoc feels owed. I think, in his most “humane” moments, Murdoc feels guilt and regret and self-loathing, but I do not think those things then become roots for behavior I’d call kind. At worst, it makes him mean, it makes him avoidant/in denial of his wrongdoing (toward Stu especially) or it makes him cruel, belittling, and aggressive. At best, it makes him manic-depressive. It makes him do a big stupid thing to prove himself, or do nothing at all.

I realize it’s kind of tacky to just quote things and point to other media, but there have been some excellent lines in Bojack that really helped me when I was conceptualizing Murdoc a little more. In the (infamous) episode Free Churro, Bojack gives a line about how he always thought big gestures were how you showed love, but it just isn’t enough; what the people in your life need isn’t a spectacle, it’s you being better, it’s you being consistent, every day. And that’s hard. I can definitely see Murdoc as a grand gesture kind of guy. This, in combination with his “sincere feelings” like regret or fear, makes him do those stupid things I mentioned. It makes him buy a giant abandoned studio for a band he’s desperately formed with a guy he nearly killed, riding high on speed and the wild-eyed belief that he really made a fortuitous mistake that night. It makes him run away to Mexico with bad cheques and keep no contact as the band comes apart. It makes him buy an island made of garbage, and trap his singer there. It makes him decide to turn a mental breakdown into an album, recording every frantic thought along the way, not allowing grief to be something he experiences alone. It has to be a spectacle. Even the more generous fans were skeptical about elements of Phase 5′s wrapping-up, and while I didn’t find it to be great writing, I do find that much believable for Murdoc: that he is performative by nature. I don’t doubt he’d feed us bullshit about being reformed, no matter what he felt inside.

See, it isn’t that I don’t think Murdoc feels sorry for anything he’s done, especially in his relationship to Stu, but what is “real” to him and what is reality don’t feel equal. I think Murdoc’s regret is sincere; I don’t think Murdoc’s apologies are sincere. That doesn’t mean I’m throwing Murdoc to the wolves, but when you’re looking outside of just him, trying to give some shared priority to the people his actions affect, it’s fair to ask what those feelings are worth compared to how he behaves. And yeah, I do think the end result is that making a flashy gesture of goodwill is not worth as much as not fucking up would’ve been. (Hate to bring up Bojack again, but it’s just conveyed so well in the “Do you think I’m a good person, deep down?” “I don’t know if I believe in deep down. I kind of think who you are is just… the things you do.”)

It makes me seem like a real tool to reference my own stupid fics, but if we’re just talking about my “version” of the characters and I’m not presuming to speak for canon… in Oysters, Stu says to Murdoc that “this (Plastic Beach) is what you are now.” I can imagine some would dislike that sentiment and think it’s unfair to hold Murdoc to one action as something defining to his entire person, and I don’t actually disagree with that; but more than that, I don’t disagree with Stu saying it. I think being so ready to distance Murdoc from his own actions is being a little too dismissive toward Stu’s experience, an experience he never asked for and has had ripple effects for them both. To him, for a very long time, Murdoc is the things he’s done. He’s allowed to say that. He’s the one Murdoc did them to.

That taps into a tougher question with an even less likable answer though– can Murdoc sincerely “make up” for anything? Can Murdoc be Stu’s dog for the next 30 years and “make up” for the first 15? (Focusing only on Stu here as I don’t feel qualified to talk about anything else.) That answer just isn’t going to be what Murdoc wants to hear. There’s no undoing it, there is no forgiving it, and Murdoc’s punishment– the only punishment he’s really had to suffer for it– is living with not getting that. That isn’t fair, he’d think, and he’d be a little right. Stu assigning blame to Murdoc forever isn’t fair, but he’s got every right to do it. It isn’t a healthy or mature mindset for Stu either, but unfortunately for Murdoc, his actions have given Stu a very earned grudge. I think they just eventually reach a point where Stu has to decide that… they’re not going to dwell on it anymore. It isn’t forgiveness. It isn’t making things right. But it is a man who was denied some major autonomy in his own life making his own decision. I also think Murdoc is smart enough to know that sorry doesn’t mean anything to Stu; in a raw, quiet, sincere moment between them, I don’t think Murdoc would disrespect Stu by asking him to say he’s forgiven. I think he’d take what he gets.

Sorry, I guess I’m getting off track and I’m not sure how to get back on. I hope it doesn’t make me seem like too much of a ball-buster for Murdoc, but I personally feel more sympathy for his relationship to Stu if he’s self-aware enough not to ask for it. I think Murdoc has only dug himself deeper with his habits and gestures up until this point. I think the best thing Murdoc can do is accept what he’s done and what he is, and in doing so… I don’t really think he’ll tap into some secret stowed away bleeding heart, gushing with “kindness” and “goodness.” And I don’t think that’s what Stu’s looking for.

I don’t think Murdoc is a very strong candidate for being “sincerely good.” I think eventually he can at least be what he needs to be, for Stu’s benefit, to get on with their lives though. I think he’s capable of seeing what that would mean, and having enough respect for Stu to put himself and his wants second.