#and therefore i am making things worse... yk?

[simonstamenovic]

bnedd a new kin assignment for smth that will be terribly for my brain or else ill be terrible for my own brain

[this-is-krikkit]

So… Fanfiction Writer Bingo. Do you still use/ever read your old stuff on Fanfiction.net? Did you prefer this platform to Tumblr/AO3 or do you find writinf and publishing is better on these?

Love you 💜

to answer your first question, dear titans in paths, no i fucking don't!! i did check it out again when i did that bingo thing (cringe intensifies) and the last time i posted on there was 6 fucking years ago 😱🤯 full disclosure, i get the urge to delete my account every once in a while, basically anytime i'm reminded of ff.net's existence, but i try not to give in. it's a part of who i was, yk? besides, opening my inbox on there just reminded me of the absolute pleasure it was to get my first ever feedback on my writing so.... yeah. i'm never rereading any of that shit though, i used to be even worse at writing than i am now BIG YIKES

as for the platform itself, the interface was terrible (still is) and imo counter-intuitive to use, so i don't miss that. also the option to read comments (aka reviews on there) directly from your profile would only appear, in RED ITALIC LETTERS DIRECTLY NEXT TO YOUR FIC'S TITLE, if someone left you a review. so in whatever interval of time before someone did, it would be glaringly absent, which always felt like a stab to my lil sensitive writer's heart (i was a teenager, gimme a break 😳). oh, and the search system is subpar, minus one million over ten, never would recommend even to my worst enemy, run for your life and give up trying to find whatever you were after on there shudders

i did love, however, that replies to comments were private and therefore couldn't count as another comment!! which is something i loathe on AO3, because it fucks up the stats and forces me to reply publicly, which i'm not a fan of. plus, it would open a direct, private line of communication between writer/reader, and that was a great way to meet like-minded people, to make friends, to elaborate future fics together, to discuss headcanons... there was a real sense of a writing community, i feel, that might be lacking a little on ao3 (which is why i link all my ao3 fics to here, though it's still not the same).

ao3 is definitely more modern and practical, but sometimes i miss the good ol' ff days. and i don't actually like posting my fics on tumblr, but i feel like i have to so they get what little visibility they can get x)

[eggbreadboi]

srry this is in reference to your tags on an old reblog of a post but i just wanna say like yes i agree so much!!, bucky barnes & steve rogers' stories and rife with trauma at the hands of being exploited by state(government) powers and (serious) writers simply CAN'T write a good story about Bucky and/or Steve without veering into deeply anti-American politics (ESP bc the story blatantly uses analogies of real life USA human rights abuses!)

too bad pretty much all of the marvel franchise in films tv anim/LA print etc can't ever actual commit to the inextricable politics of the story and try to have their cake & eat it too and p much every story circles back to "ooh we luv cap'n murica and his shield is the symbol of all goodness ooh 🇺🇸", and as such, Bucky and Steve's stories never get the actual exploration they deserve, because their too intertwined with being surveilled/exploited/experimented/incarcerated/monitored by the state and the marvel franchise can't commit to the politics of what that means

i mean... obvs the war stuff and human experimentation and torture and slavery are much worse abuses in the grand scheme of things, but writing this made me think of the D+ show scene where they literally have Bucky be monitored by the carceral state and have his autonomy denied in ways that is textually identical to how the real life US prison system abuses people... and yet it's framed as "bucky deserves it" unlike the good military man who's being inconvenience by this POW who was experimented on by Nazis hired by the military apparatus he works for. the D+ show acts as if the carceral state is benevolently "keeping Bucky in check".. like that's such an authoritarian & fascist & specifically American stance to take WRT the US prison system. all bc marvel can't stomach portraying the government's human right's abuses as abuses within their works. the franchise keeps circling back to defending the agents of the state and only giving grace when characters act as agents of the state and treating noncompliance/resistance to the state as character flaws to be grown out of at best

Ok first of all I am HONORED to get such a thoughtful and long response, I really appreciate the dialogue.

Here are more thoughts:

Marvel, as a whole, *wants* to tackle American imperialism, especially in the recent Captain America releases. This is a partially inescapable consequence of the original comics, which did quite a lot to critique the American system(ie. making Cap himself a fairly outspoken socialist), and partially just a result of recent social shifts. However, in the MCU mores than in the comics, this falls flat for a couple of reasons:

The Avengers, are, when you cut to the bone, an American paramilitary group, in the MCU (I would argue this is not as true in the comics, though it is less applicable.) therefore, any critique of the system critiques the very existence of the Avengers, and by virtue of yk.....storytelling and needing them to exist, the MCU cannot delve too far into that critique, lest its portrayal of the Avengers veer closer to the portrayal of The Seven and other villainous "hero" groups. The Avengers must be the heroes, and therefore the system that put them into power cannot be completely unjust.

The MCU resolves this by writing stories that emphasize WHO is in charge, not the system that gives them power. SHIELD is a threat BECAUSE it is led by Pierce after Fury's death.

Falcon and the Winter Soldier runs into this cognitive dissonance, HARD. In essence, because the villains are right. Not morally, ofc, but ultimately, the Flag Smashers, putting aside the murder, are working for the good of people, and the establishment is not. However, the establishment cannot be seen as the source of the rot, so:

In FA:TWS, Captain America is a threat, not because the concept of one man having so much authority is deeply horrifying, but because the man in the mask is Walker, not Rogers. An unworthy king cheating a just system, who must be replaced by the rightful heir.

Steve and Sam are good captains, and so is what they represent, because the values of the system are defined not by the system itself but by the symbol at the helm. ....Its an easy cop-out. "Sure, the results of the system aren't good" Marvel says. "But don't think about the system itself. If we have the right symbol at the helm, if you're responsible enough, compliant enough(don't get captured and brainwashed by nazis), everything will magically right itself"

In short: Helmut Zemo is right, and not just right, but illustrates the issue at the heart of Avengers stories beautifully. He's a refugee from a small, economically disadvantaged (putting Sokovia somewhere between Latvia: 2021 GDP of 39.85 Billion USD and Serbia: 2021 GDP of 63 Billion USD to the US's 23,315.08 Billion USD in 2021), war-torn country, that is completely destroyed by the actions of a United States paramilitary organization. His entire ideology boils down to "Supremacy is wrong, military interventionism is wrong". And because his ideology threatens the entire foundation of the MCU, the conversation HAS to stop at "he killed people, so he's wrong". The same applies to Karli. (and OFC murder is wrong, but we're talking their baseline ideologies) Marvel's storytelling falls flat because when the audience asks why these people did what they did, the writers can only shrug their shoulders and say "I guess they weren't good enough to believe in symbols"

Symbols don't feed families, and they don't repair wartorn land. Reparations do<3

[ph4os]

ANOTHER NOT REQUIRED STORY TIME BECAUSE WHY NOT?

SO, yk, I live in Italy. Especially in the small towns of southern Italy they take the "don't let anyone touch your hair" too seriously, especially if the aforementioned hair belongs to a young woman or, even worse, a little girl. As a result, you have to look after your hair from the moment you are born until you get married and have healthy children. To tell you, my maternal grandmother kept repeating to me over and over again "don't let anyone touch your hair other than me, your mother or your other grandmother. Especially if it is some other woman who is complimenting you. If it happens, wash them as soon as you get home AND PRAY." CONSEQUENTLY, I grew up terrified and always wore my hair tied up. In particular, my grandmother wanted me to wear them braided, when she could she tied them, but in any case this led me to know how to do braids from a very young age. However, I remember that my grandmother used to use my hair as if it were a Catholic rosary, so while braiding it she prayed, so it took about an hour to make two braids.

ANYWAY, I've always worn very long hair as a child until one day, a sister-in-law of my grandmother literally forced me to tie my hair from her. Bad things started to happen to me (for example since then I suffer a lot from sore throat) and my grandmother proposed to cut my hair. Yes, you read that right, they cut them off. The bad things stopped happening (I was just left with these very fragile tonsils that get sick with nothing). From that day on every time, for example, I argue with someone, cut relationships, etc., I cut my hair. As a child I forced my mother to take me to the hairdresser and I literally made extreme and unnecessary cuts (I also have a trusted hairdresser and I absolutely refuse to go to someone else), now that I am more aware of my spirituality I cut them myself and I only cut the ends.

ANYWAY pt2, Before, I was braiding my hair and was in the bathroom. My bathroom's balcony overlooks the point where the sun sets and therefore around this time it is always illuminated by this beautiful warm light. I have this subconscious reflex of thanking or praying to Lord Apollo whenever I see a beautiful sunset (usually I never see the sunrise but when I do I pray during it too) so, involuntarily I started praying to the rhythm of how I braided my hair and it reminded me of when I was little and my grandmother used my hair as a rosary. Luckily it didn't take me hours to finish tying my hair but I felt a sense of warmth in my heart, I don't know.

I think now I will start praying while I tie my hair also because sometimes I have such full days that I can't even make a very short prayer, if I started praying before going to sleep while I tie my hair, it would become an autonomous gesture and I would be sure to be able to address at least one daily thought to my gods and I would feel much better.

[bride-of-dracaenca]

A Brief, Totally Incoherent History of the OG Animaniacs Fandom (1993 - ???), Part 0.001

(Early - Mid 1990s Animaniacs/PatB Fandom History that Exactly Nobody Cares About!)

@@@hhh…wow. Oh hey, tumblr!

So! OG Animaniacs Fandom seems to be a mostly forgotten chapter in Internet fandom history. Arguably, it was one of the very first Internet/Online fandoms with a unique, discernable “culture.” These fan cultures had existed before – but Animaniacs, arguably one of the first “Megafandoms” - that is to say, one of the first with its genesis (as opposed to merely its continuation) on the Internet - just happened to premiere during September, 1993. Also known on the early Internet as the ETERNAL SEPTEMBER (no, I am not making this up! See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_September).

Therefore, it had stuff like this:

A! JW21 YK++i WK++ DT+++!^ P&B+ S&S+ HIP--- S!D--- P+++ Dpfdd{s} Tow2 $++++dmvac Vr+++++j+++t+++m++{s} IV! T419/65Years E5/73 H53 PonYiddish XBRomp A35 M

(That’s not my A! Geek Code, it’s the A! Code of a guy who is really, really cool and smart and was created by a guy who’s really, really cool and smart, FYI.)

Meh, I keep putting this off. Is it because of the collapse of our ecosystem and civilization in this horrible, dystopian “future” that we all find ourselves collectively in? Is it because the very idea of being one of the youngest contributing members of a fandom and, three decades later, maaaaybe, being one of the very oldest, again just maybe (I dunno) is like…one of the saddest things I can even imagine right now? Well, except for the collapse of our ecosystem, civilization, etc. etc.? Gee, okay. That part’s much worse.

I want to go back and eat Dunkaroos and watch Fox Kids. Take me back NOW. Please? ALSO I HATE THE RICH TEXT EDITOR I HATE BEING CAGED I WANT TO BE FREE AND MARKUP AND CODE AS I PLEASE WITH NO LOGIC OR REASON IN ANGELFIRE AND GEOCITIES AND TO FTP TO MY HEART’S CONTENT WITH DANCING CAT .GIFS AND MIDI FILES AND BLUE LINKS ON GREY BACKGROUNDS THAT TURN PURPLE WHEN YOU CLICK THEM AT THE VERY DAWN OF THE WWW 235273^$*&%$!23532 CURSE YOU!

@@@H. Aaanyway. I’ll just come out and say it: I was in the original Animaniacs (A!)/Pinky and the Brain (PatB) fandom starting in…in some form, at least as a lurker, September 1993, when the show first started airing on our local affiliate Fox Kids before it jumped the shark by jumping to the Kids’ WB.

Oh, haha, I kid about that last part. Please just read everything here as kidding/sarcastic, because it is. What is it that you kids do these days? Tone indicators? Read all of this as /j /lh /s or whatevertheheck. You know what I mean. Anyway, possibly earlier, because a.t.a (alt.tv.animaniacs on usenet) was preceded by alt.tv.tiny-toon. And I was a cagey, anxious, fringe-s kid who was really way, way, way too young to be there.

Oh, yes! “Kids” in early Internet fandom! Funny story about that.

So I had started posting some of the first fan works/meta, or whatever the heck it’s called now, for this A!/PatB...stuff, online, by 1994, and…just give me a sec here to chug some, um, “grape juice.” Boy am I super proud of this and this short series of “fandom history” I am about to share throughout this summer, and not ashamed at all. Oh, boy. From back then, when we all had “Warnersonas” on irc and this one total weirdo had a PatB-sona unlike the normal fans.

Also, though: there are lots of legit opinions about who the very best Animaniacs character is, but if you say it’s not Slappy Squirrel, then you’re objectively wrong. And Pinky/Brain, which totally normal people all shipped back then and was a totally normal mundane expected thing, was called Pinky/Brain or maybe Pinky x Brain but smushnames weren’t a thing yet you kids so that’s just what the ship is called, also they are married. My gay mouse uncles were married back then and it was canon. Sorry, I don’t make the A! rules. /j /s /lh. (JOKES ASIDE THE PINKY/BRAIN SHIPPING LITERALLY HAPPENED IMMEDIATELY LIKE THE FIRST MINUTE IN SEPT A! AIRED SO STOP REWRITING HISTORY TO MAKE THE GAY MICE STRAIGHT YOU ARE LITERALLY RUINING MY QUEER CHILDHOOD.)

Side Note: I see a few of you from the og usenet/IRC #watertower days around here sometimes. I know who you are, I know where you live, I – wait, no. I, quite seriously do, kid, guys, although I met some of you irl a very, very long time ago.

og A! fandom peeps - I want you to know that I had a ball back then. You’re still some of the best people I’ve ever known, you and the rest of early Internet fandom, when we were just some weirdos and nerds before the Internet was “cool” or even a thing that most people understood or even recognized! I seriously love you guys. I hope that life has been awesome to you all, and to your loved ones at every turn, treated you well, and you’ve had a blast every minute. I know stuff is tough sometimes. Hang in there. I am rooting for you all every day, seriously. Thank you so much. I can never pay you all back, and I will always love and care. <3 <3

...To everyone else – I’ll continue this series soon, once I can swallow my pride a little bit harder. I’ll be around a bit spottily this summer due to travel, but more so this fall, and hope to post a bit more this week about this fandom history “stage.” And also share some other stuff I keep putting off posting.

Thanks for reading! See you very soon, for the next installment.

What about the PPPGALF, NERD?!?…

That was an Animania IV thing, I’ll get to that very soon. Give me a minute.

Also shut up, Yakko Warner. Shut up. Yes, I heard you, nearly 30 years ago. And you know what, I did! That’s why I have no time to write or post any of this, I am WAY too freaking busy. Now lay off, willya?

Until next time, AIE!, bleugh, Goddess Grapes and harfy QORN.

slappy is gay. i have proof

[amphibifish]

what’s the worst avenue q song (in the final musical the cut one’s don’t count)

ok so i'm my opinion (excluding the reprises cause they're like 15 seconds long and i'm not wearing underwear today is too short 4 me to count i think)

i was gonna make it a tie but honestly the only one that i have true problems with is everyone's a little bit racist. (actually thank u for sending this cause this has been in my mind FOR MONTHS.)

ok quick rundown of my thoughts

this song is very catchy and has such a good melody but the message of the song is very much iffy. my personal interpretation is that nobody is above making mistakes therefore it is important to check oneself in order to not yk. be racist. mostly because of how the formula of how more characters get added to the song is character a says something racist and doesn't realize it character b points it out then they sing abt ur etc etc things along those lines i've rewritten this paragraph so much i am so tired but anyways the main problem is that this song has many interpretations with some being a lot worse than others and unfortunately there's a good chance the message of the song is literally just the title, but i am giving the writers the benefit of the doubt since one of them is literally a poc, which doesn't exempt him from being racist but yk he's probably dealt it with at some point so he knows what it's like yadada you get my drift.

tldr; i try to give this song the best interpretation i can but unfortunately it is very iffy in its message. but it's pretty catchy.

[ssreeder]

S R E E D I E

can someone (god if you’re out there) please tell me why I saw you responding to ao3 comments which is USUALLY my tip off that you’re about to drop another chapter, and instead of heeding that warning I just… Forgot about it. ANYWAYS onto the live reaction of my reading there is very little actual in depth analysis or contribution of value here to enjoy the screaming into the abyss <3

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FI-

I just- I just love bato so much dude. like… yeah. he’s so conscious of zuko relying on his right side and accomodating for that and I just love him okay???

ah bato, sneaky sneaky sneaky but also SMART man, what would the water tribe do without you to get zuko responding with more than 4 syllables

lmao blushy zuko hours <3

“forbidden one-bed conversation” oh sreedie, the comedian that you are

okay but it’s so sad that hakoda doesn’t understand teenagers despite having 2 of them and it just goes to show that war takes things from you in every aspect of life not just physically because people have to leave to fight or they die and really, isn’t that the lasting trauma?? you can heal from things that have hurt you but how do you mourn for things that were taken from you before you ever had them

yay sokka pushing him and zuko out of their comfort zone!! I’m so glad he’s making an effort to heal right before you rip their lives to shreds again sreedie, I’m absolutely thrilled truly

drunk sokka you’re really in for it now goddamnit

oh noooo not zuko alone in the dark thinkinggggg that never ends well

zuko the bad liar is once again foiled in his plans to lie

YAY ZUKKA KISSES I’m so happy you’re allowing them some nice moments before you destroy their lives for the nth time!!!

wait shit zuko is 100% overcompensating bc he’s jealous about suki isn’t he and this is going to end in flames (haha literally maybe I’m so funny) and-

y e a h I fucking called it sreedie do I get an award for being so incredibly perceptive bc I think I should honestly

I cannot believe you’re doing this to me sreedie, the first time zuko says more than two sentences AND ITS TO HAVE THE ANGSTIEST FIGHT WITH SOKKA IMAGINABLE YOURE SO CRUEL (but also fucking finally the only way for things to get better is for them to get worse so hit me bitch)

WAITWAITWAIT IF ZUKO LEAVES THEN HES IRONICALLY SAFE FROM LONG FENG AND THEREFORE AZULA WAIT SREEDIE IS THIS YOURE PLAN

zuko: *is making a stupid fucking decision bc he’s terrified and super duper traumatised*

sokka: I’ll beat you the fuck up punk

oh shit sokka abandonment issues

BATO PLS HELP THESE CLUSTERFUCKING MESSED UP TEENAGERS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAKODA DO WHAT HE SAYS

is hakoda finally realising that gay people exist

lol not hakoda finding out zuko threatened to kill his mum in order to capture and lose a 13yo

rEally hakoda??? you finally get it through your sense fuxking skull that sokka might be a lil fruity and you IMMEDIATELY decide to be homophobic?? fuck that (ikik it’s not that simple but jesus crispy yk)

w o w. hakoda you’re really nailing this conversation aren’t you. bato baby, you deserve better

fuck YEAJ bato is the real mvp of this fic let’s goooo

so in conclusion, we got some Quality zukka spice, some Intense zukka angst, and a very ominous sense of foreboding permeating throughout the entire chapter! all in all, some excellent work done by the one and only sreedie my ex-wusband (I am aware that the gender neutral word ‘spouse’ exists but it reminds me of the afrikaans word ‘gespuis’ which means like.. kinda the equivalent to the aussie bogan idk how else to describe it, but it’s NOT something I wish to associate with you my lovely divorced sreedie)

love you to bits and pieces :))

This is me just responded super late because we are divorced and I don’t owe you shit.

Jk I’m still in love with you and I’m playing hard to get.

Bato is the MVP of RIA fuck off Morrak.

There were two beds, just to be clear, it’s not my fault Sokka combined them.

Hakoda: I’m not homophobic my best friend is gay.

Zuko over compensating? In this economy? Nope, you get no extra points.

Everyone: waiting for Zuko to get hurt

Zuko: *runs away*

Everyone: damn it

Love ya to death leekie.

[sschmendrick]

Dear mutuals, little update on the cat situation : my mum asked if I had plans for the weekend and since I didn't I thought I'd just go to the shelter and say hi to the cats to which my mum suggested we actually go there to adopt. I was kinda surprised but she offered to drive me there and take the transport cage just in case. Since it was a sunday afternoon they were almost all already adopted but I saw a few that I had seen on their website. Thing is they were fearful and apparently some would hiss because of that and my mum wasn't very comfortable with my cat hissing because of her own experience with her cat. They told us to come back on a saturday morning to meet more sociable cats. So that's how the weekend went where I almost adopted a cat.

Thing is, it would be my "first" cat (I grew up with my mom's but she was already pretty old and I only lived with her for so long and didn't witness her education), so I was kinda scared of messing up with a fearful cat because I make it ten times worse. Also we were talking with the people there and I told her that I planned on being a sound engineer therefore move quite a bit (festivals, concerts, tour, movie sets etc rather than a studio) and she said that I shouldn't have a cat then so I am a little puzzled on what the next step is. I know of people who have their cat accompany them on the road and stuff like that but idk if I'm good enough with cat to make that possible. They feel more like unique cases yk ? Since I plan on living at my grandma's old house when I graduate I'll be in the countryside with a garden a space so they suggested a dog would be moe suited but idk, for that matter I only spent a few months taking care of my half brother's dog and they never really educated him. I feel a little overwhelmed and I don't know where to go or what to do with all this information. Do you have any idea of what might be the right course of action ? Or an opinion on the matter ?

[i-mybrunettelady]

3, 7, 35 & 38 el hours!! also E for whomever you feel like <3

el hours!! yess, here's a lil screen i grabbed of him earlier

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

I have no idea what he does, but it's with great difficulty because he's a Nightbloom, therefore nocturnal, and works best at night. I'd say he either reads or works on whatever he's researching right now before he feels tired enough to take a nap. Bonus points for having sex, actually lmao

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

He rarely enjoys feeling nostalgia. He's one of those people who lives in the present, and it's for the worse, because thinking too hard about the past in any capacity brings forth regrets and invites introspection, which he doesn't really like or do well? So he tries not to feel it too often. Only nostalgia he does like is the one triggered by (some of) his scars, namely the old, darkened bark at his wrist. It was from an experiment that granted him a certain level of fire immunity and it's a spell that he made himself. He likes remembering his successes. This is also the reason why he smiles pleasantly at a giant scar on his right thigh left by Mordremoth in the final battle with Soo-Won.

35. How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? 

It's known that El doesn't have many friends. He only takes interest in things people around him say if they'd naturally fall under his already established fields interest, but he's actually supportive, even if he doesn't sometimes try to understand it, if that makes sense? In one sentence: I don't have the patience to ask questions about the Thing TM, but as long as Thing TM makes you happy, you have my support. He cares, but didn't quite know how to show that care for a long time so he just.. didn't bother. Because he hates being perceived as not good.

He is learning to be different though and manually forces himself to ask questions if it hadn't sparked curiosity earlier. Being a good friend is something you learn and he's just an incredibly late bloomer.

38. What memory do they revisit the most often? 

Once again - killing Mordremoth in Cantha for the last time; lessons in magic from his saplinghood, especially with Trahearne, and getting with Liv! <3

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

Honest answer? No. El's too volatile for me in a lot of ways. He scares me and being afraid of your friend isn't a good field for a healthy friendship, yk? He is, after all, in part a manifestation of my anger that I don't really like showing because it doesn't feel good when I'm angry. As such, I don't think El and I would get along, sadly, though I'd like to just... look at him. I am not immune to handsome men.

[doodlebloo]

i am pedantic hence this ask but to be fair to cranboo moving into the commune i dont think he mentally considers himself aligned with phil or techno like, at All, he does have a friendlier relationship with phil but its not like he would fight for these people. but that small thing aside YEAH hes sooo interesting in how hypocritical his ideology is and he doesnt even Realize and kinda mentally filters out or justifies things that contradict. mental illness. go read the history of lmanberg

I feel like at first he may not have felt a loyalty to them but eventually he got to the point where he was pretty close w them both like he was at c!Techno's birthday party, gave him that axe, etc... & Imo it may actually reflect worse on him as a person if by current canon he still didn't feel loyal to them, esp considering how torn up c!Techno was over his death and how quick he was to rescue his son even after learning how much c!Ranboo hid from him, yk?

But I think that makes his way of thinking even more interesting because it's a total lose/lose... Either he is loyal to a community of people who have helped him (therefore "choosing a side" which is in his mind Bad) or he is disloyal to a community that is loyal to him, as in he wouldn't fight for those who would fight for him... Both are not great and that is sooo interesting & should be explored more

[alphabetofbullshit]

The time i accidentally manipulated my gf when she broke up with me

This all happened a little under a year ago. "'Daisy'" and I had been together nearly two years, always long distance. To contextualize the very weird, complicated relationship with brevity, we were teenagers who 'fell in love' on a lgbt discord server. The type of deal where she communicated poorly and i, in turn, tormented myself with entirely invented notions that i was constantly bothering her. That flavor of clusterfuck.

-== Story

Now, into my story. In june of that year, my otherwise perfectly healthy dad fell suddenly ill, and by the end of August he was dead. For this reason, my girlfriend 'gave me space,' which in no way helped the constant sensation of utter lonliness.

At this point in the story, Daisy has decided that i needed time on my own, and that, therefore, she would not bring to me any of her emotional needs. With her needs neglected, she begins to, herself, feel neglected. As i mentioned before, i am perpetually and often irrationally terrified of bothering people too much, so I myself wasnt reaching out either.

Now, we come to march (ish? maybe?) and we end up on call. Ill be honest, i forget if she told me she wanted to break up prior, or if it was on the call that she said it, but we're on the phone and im crushed. Now, to make matters worse, i realize i cannot find my earbud case. After tearing apart the house, i correctly assume the worst and check the washing machine... Lo and behold, my poor little galaxy bud case is entirely waterlogged.

These earbuds were nice, yeah. But the thing that broke we was that they were $250+ and that was a fucking luxury. A luxury that i had rendered useless.

So, i start crying. Out of stress, frustration, anger, sadness, i start crying. Problem was, i was still on call with Daisy, and I had not told her about my earbud mishap--- she thought i had been silent for 10 minutes after we discussed the breakup and had now started sobbing. So she tries to comfort me, apologizes, all that sort of thing, while im realizing whats going on. Never corrected her tho.

And sure, yeah, after i hung up figured out how to disassemble Galaxy Buds Pro, dried them out, and they worked just fine. I still have em and they're going strong

-== Conclusion

In retrospect, our relationship had been kinda toxic. Her response to my dad dying, and her sabotage of our relationship was insanely unfair--- i mean, she literally manufactured neglect then refused to offer me any chance to rectify it, not even telling me it was happening before it was too late. And yeah, i do kinda miss her. I mostly miss the concept of being in a relationship, but i do miss the person Daisy. Its strange.

By the way, did i mention the fact that she cheated on me twice, in addition to having been with the guy she was dating before we made it official the entire time we had been together?

Now that I think of it, ive changed my mind! Fuck her! I hope the guilt eats away at her, and i hope that in ten years time, when she looks me up, im living my absolute best life. Dream Of Me type shit, yk?

[psychelis-new]

Hey how are you?

Have you been to a paranormal place? I was just watching a medium (Kelsi Davies) on YT (her latest video). Man, I feel a pain in my right rib cage and also feel nauseated. I used to watch her back in 2021-2022 and I did not feel this way. It was calmer before. I think around 2022 was when I drop her because I started to feel nauseated and light headed whenever I watch her video. Is it normal to feel that way? Do you ever feel that way and why is it happening?

I also remember back when I was 15 y/o (2009) I have visited a historic building for my History assignment. We were in a huge group of people accompany by our History teacher and one of the relatives that used to sleep in that building (to protect historic building from vandalism). That building is a family house and was used by Japanese army for their base camp (they drive away the family out from that house by force). It is said that there was a battle between the japanese army and australian/british army. Until now you can see bullet holes on the walls of that house. These are what the relatives told us when we arrive at the scene. I remember I was nauseated and have this light headed feeling (like vertigo) but I think it was maybe because I was too excited to explore.

After the whole historical talk, my teacher ask if there were paranormal activities ever happen. And there was lot. This relative that guide us through the house stops at one room and told us, "this was where our ancestor hang the head of the beheaded and let the blood drop onto big vases. So the vases all haunted." She even saw a red eyes peeking through the bullet holes on a kitchen door. She even got chased by a walking stick at a middle of the night while residing in the house.

If you may, please share your paranormal experience and how you feel physically while at that place?

~🌻

Hi there :)

So for the way you feel in relation to the medium's videos, it could be that she triggers some "unconscious fear" inside of you. It's okay if you didn't feel this way before, we change, our minds change too, we grow aware of ouselves and so the way we perceive or think about things changes as well. You may also have experienced some kind of religious or spiritual unrelated event and therefore you unconsciously developed this kinda anxious reaction to her videos; or maybe... you grew more aware of other energies and hers/the ones she channels may feel a bit too heavy for you or uncomfortable. It's worth building up boundaries, if you want to keep watching her... do not let the things you watch "suck you up" so much (ofc, if the thing goes on, please do have a medical check anyway).

I used to watch paranormal videos too years ago, but I grew tired of them the moment I realized it was mostly for "the clicks". Online world, YT in particular, lives on how many clicks one gets (and how much they get payed bc of that) and the more you are able to make a sensational title/video, the more views you get... So I simply gave up and got on different roads to understand. I am in fact sure there's some truth, but probably YT videos aren't always the right way to find that out (ofc, this is not true for each youtuber, but yk... it's not easy to spot good ones). Also I realized I couldn't really watch horror movies anymore as they only made my anxiety worse (which they basically never did in the past)... I think the more you grow aware of the existance of something else but you cannot explain it to yourself clearly and properly (or even rationally, if you're used to think more than to feel), the more it triggers your unsafety (probably already traumatized in your past years by other situations/traumas). This is something that may be worth working on in order to heal (maybe also your other insecurities: feeling unsafe doesn't make you feel secure within yourself either and vice versa).

Similarly goes for (at least most of the) paranormal places. Okay, some of the things people tell tourists/kids may be true, but... beware of the fact that they live thanks to those tourists. Keep that into consideration as well. The fact that you felt overwhelmed could have been either your mind being wired by what the guide was telling y'all, the fact that you were actually visiting a paranormal place (and our minds may get biased on that thought alone) or... yes, maybe you felt something, some type of energy there. Your guts know better, but you need to try and stay grounded, come to a place with no expectation, as you would go to your usual supermarket, to really know. And that's hard sometimes, especially with such places.

I think paranormal is all around us, when we think about it. Some things happen without us being able to actually explain them reasonably. When you feel energies around you, or see something within the corner of your eye... that happens (at least it has happened to me, irl and also in some dreams). And at times it feels okay, other times it feels a bit uneasy. It depends on the type of energy around you, but also on yourself and how you feel (if you're already anxious for any other reason you may get an altered feeling: that's why it's important to try and stay grounded as much as we can -ofc, that's not always possible cause we're humans, but on paper, that's what we should try and do).

Ofc some places may be considered as home by some energies or entities (or something big may have happened there and therefore they cannot fully leave? I am guessing, I don't know for sure honestly), and therefore their energies can be felt more deeply there, I am not saying it's impossible or not true. I have never visited any place that could be considered a paranormal place so I am not sure of what I could feel there, but I have visited a WWII Polizeihaftlager that now serves as a museum, and honestly.... the energy there was crazy. Everything was so dang heavy, it felt like time didn't pass at all. Ofc, as said, I probably was biased by it all but... getting inside those rooms, I was gasping for air. One of my classmates started crying and almost threw up, I was holding her up but I felt like I was going to faint any other minute. In the open air inside the camp, things were a bit better despite still heavy. But being nauseated and feeling lightheaded are common reactions though, at least for what I know/experienced. The amount of energy you may feel and/or just the emotional reaction you unconsciously get by thinking what may have happened there, can totally cause that imo. TBH Medicine's students get similar feelings during the first autopsy or so (at least I was told so by some friends).

Hope this can help you btw :)

[allxsposts]

So, i feel so drained and i have no one to talk to, therefore I'll just ramble here because i don't know what to do. Maybe no one will see this but i want to get it off my chest. My anxiety is getting worse by day. I am always scared that my physical health might be at risk even though i have little to no symptoms. I can't talk to my family because they'll just brush it all off and say it's nothing which will make me feel better at that moment but then later I'll just start worrying again. I hear about people or see posts about people having deadly diseases which scares me so much.

I know i have nothing to fear in reality and that the universe is keeping me safe but I just can't help it. I feel like crying now ( might also be the fact that I started my period like two days ago). Nonetheless, i don't know what to do, who to talk to. I distanced myself from a lot of people, so I barely go outside (also because i live in the country side and it's a bit harder to get to the city). I always google things like illnesses and symptoms which i know is not okay. I feel like I am in a constant battle with an enemy i literally can't see.

Believe me, I would love to see a therapist but my parents would never get me there. I said I'll do it on my own when I'll have my own income but there are a few years untill then.

I think I have always lived like that, always worrying for the future and having irrational fears, wether is the planet dying thing back in 2012 (lmao) or anything else. I feel so alone and I feel like i am pushing my mother with spending money on me. In the past year she spent a lot of money on blood tests for me because my period stopped for several months (which was due to basically starving myself and exercising a lot, i had even 61kg, which is like 100 and something lbs idk exactly, but i was never that thin in my life, given the fact that after i first lost weight i kind of stopped at 64-65kg). Eventually, my period came back with contraceptive pills which I took for three months and then i stopped taking them but everything became okay with that so yeah.

They kind of found something about my thyroid but the doctor said it was nothing to worry about and I assume it was like that because of my eating disorder and the fact that my period stopped. I went to an endocrinologist, so she did an ultrasound and saw that. But since then, the skin on the tips of my fingers became very dry and kind of remained like that, sometimes they're a bit better but sometimes (usually when i stay in water yk) they become drier. I addressed this to my gp a couple of times but she said it should be lack of vitamin A (i struggled with that in the past), but its been a year and my skin on my fingers is still dry. I tried creams and lotions but they didn't work much.

I sometimes think its because of the thing i had with my thyroid but the tests i did came back okay mostly, but there were a few things that were not on the right level and I am very scared it might have been something more serious and the doctors just ignored it, neither did I go back to a doctor. Of course I don't want to manifest anything negative nor do I intend to do it, but yk how it gets with especially undiagnosed anxiety by a specialist.

I know that everything will work out in the end, I just hope I will get better mentally as well.

Thank you if you read this lmao

[carameloveskook]

Night

Chapter Two

pairing: jungguk x reader

warnings: angst

a tale in which where jungguk and you were supposed to fix your problems but instead things just got worse.

Notes: after my friends told me that NIGHT was really good, yk sister got a ton of inspiration and got into my feels therefore I HAD to write something :)

———————————————————————

“Jungguk I love-”

You sit up from the bed in a cold sweat, eyes puffy from last night’s events. You look over to your side at the empty space where Jungguk was supposed to be. Tears threatening to fall, you look out into the landscape. If you didn’t remember last night’s events you would’ve stand there in awe at how tall the mountains stretched as if they were trying to reach for the sky.

Sighing, you move away from the window and head into the bathroom to get ready for a day. Might as well try to forget last night even though you it’s all you’re gonna think about. Picking up your brush and toothpaste as you relive last night.

“Jungguk, I know how important your work is to you! But I’m tired of having a relationship with your phone! Can we please just this once, focus on each other?”

“ y/n...we can hang out soon but this is important-”

“More important then me?”

For the first time in forever, you saw Jungguk’s expression turn from cold and frustrated to sympathetic and familiar once you said those words. It filled your heart with happiness despite the anger shown on your face at that time, how you wished to he went up to you and hugged you there. The little action would’ve have the changed the whole outcome but alas, the world doesn’t always work in your favor. Meeting Jungguk was a once in a life experience that you would never forget. It felt like it was just yesterday you met him for the first time.

——————————————————————

It was a Saturday and you were getting ready for an interview in a high profile retail store. Your alarm didn’t ring and now you were in a hurry to get out of your house. Rushing with coffee in your hand, you had not seen a brown-haired boy walking right in front of you. Too busy with your mind worrying over getting this job, you nearly bump into the man. He catches you and you spill some coffee on the ground at the impact.

“Oh my goodness I’m so sorry! I almost spilled coffee on you!”

“It’s alright...why are you rushing?”

“I..um...wow.”

Being so caught up with adrenaline, you finally look up at the man holding you. He was wearing a suit as black as his pupils and his hair was swept to the side. The man also had fair skin and bunny-like teeth alongside a scar on his cheek. He was handsome to the point you started to stutter in awe. Removing yourself from his hold and tried to regain your posture.

“I...um...oh gosh I’m so sorry! I’m usually not like this it’s just-”

“I’m too cute for you to handle?” The man looks at you in an amused glance. He looks down to the ground and scratches his ears. You blush at his sudden flirtatious comment. You can tell he doesn’t do this that often due to his shyness afterwards. Time passes as you both look towards the ground for god knows how long until you check your watch.

10:45 am

“Oh my! I’m late, ugh it’s so useless I’m not gonna the job...” You look at the man with a disappointing smile trying to hide the fact you were close to tears. You promised yourself that you wouldn’t mess this up since it took you MONTHS to land an interview. But here you are with a stranger whom you nearly crashed into, on the verge to tears.

“Oh..um...don’t cry...” The brown haired stranger tried to comfort you but in your opinion, he’s doing a terrible job. After all, all he’s doing is patting your back in the middle of the street. You laugh at his attempts of comforting you and he smiles. To him, you were gorgeous despite tears coming out of your eyes. “I’m Jungguk by the way, want me to get you a bite to eat? It’s free seeing that your morning hasn’t been going too well.”

“I would love to Jungguk.”

That was 2 years ago. A smile forms on your lips at the memory. He had asked you for your number afterwards and a spark blossomed between you two after 4 weeks of meeting. Back then you wouldn’t even think about having arguements left and right every week with Jungguk.

‘He’s such an idiot’ You thought. Jungguk always wants to be the best and wanted everything he presents to be perfect. You loved his ambitious personality really, but things such as leaving in the middle of vacation was too far. Leaving the bathroom you head over to the bed counter and pick up the phone.

16 Notifications

None of them were from Jungguk. You look into the landscape once more, heart heavy with agony.

Picking up your phone you begin to type:

“Hey babe, we need to talk.”

———————————————————————

Just getting off the plane Jungguk sighed. Suddenly his phone rings.

1 Notification

He looked at it for moment, and y/n comes to his mind. He felt terrible for leaving her alone but his co-worker stated that it was an emergency, she had to understand right? Opening up his phone he sees that it was from her. His heart skips a beat for a moment.

“Hey babe, we need to talk.”

He panicks, why do they need to talk? Is she still mad at him? He looks at the message for longer then he should’ve, and thought, y/n changed. Before she was open with him staying late with work because that’s all he was doing. Work. He wasn’t out with some girl in a club or out drinking across the city. She became controlling and uneasy when he became the CEO. He knows he left abruptly and yet she should be over this already plus he promised to make it up to her.

Before he was able to respond, he received a phone call from his co-worker. Almost immediately he picks it up, forgetting his previous thoughts and heads out the airport door.

taglist: @hopetookmysoul​ , @mylittleangles-bts​ , @mygscafe​

[princessnakkie-blog]

What type of woman do I want to become? 10/24

today… Chris and I kissed. once I stopped thinking it felt nice. Then his hand began to venture places I didn’t want it to. Why am I a quest? Why didn’t I stop it? I am human but listen… this isn’t how I wanted it to go. It was in front of a camera and I am so shameful. Do I not respect or love myself? Did I ever? Let us be honest. I want Chris because I am bored and it is “cuffing season”. Why do I want to date? What can I get out of dating right now? I am not seeing a therapist… I am not even in the first stages of starting the gym. I have only realized that I need to start going. Why do I need validation through a boy? Chris does not like me. Chris only wants me for what every girl has. I need to come to terms that I am average. How do I stop him from my head? I became confident when I realized what I needed to do. Be mean. I needed to be mean. Not to give him what he wants and look at what happened today. Why the fuck am I so stupid? Why am I considering to just be what he wants? No. I won’t. I got over Bashir because I got him where I wanted and even though I didn’t get entirely what I wanted… I came extremely close. Now I do not care to get a text from him. What type of woman do I want to be? I still want to remain a mystery to niggas. No, I want to remain a mystery to boys and men. In order to respect myself, I must respect those around me. Okay, we had a set back with Chris. He felt what a girl must give. He kissed me which means he already took my air. It won’t happen again. He will not speak to me because my thoughts are almost the same when it comes to discussing my heart. I value the trait I have gained. I do not hold anything back. Let us access where I went wrong in this situation though.

1. I approached him first.

2. I envisioned scenarios involving him in my head… whatever I create I try to make a reality.

3. I kept texting him back. The more I text someone is the more I find out about them. The more I find out is the more supply for me to start liking them.

4. I became a fien to talk to him. I started to procrastinate.

5. I started thinking about a relationship when I know I am not even close to being ready. I am only 19. I have been screaming this for the longest. My head isn’t where I need it to be for a relationship because I am selfish and I only think of myself in most situations. I want to be my boyfriend’s prize. Therefore, I must be and look my best. If I look slipped then I am regular and I am not comfortable with just being regular. I have to go to the gym. I have to become comfortable with my skin, find my style, and be who I want to be. I do not want to put a time on it but I do want someone nice for Valentine’s Day.

6. I let basic human needs overcome my hard work. To be precise, I slipped. I didn’t remain a mystery to Chris. He somehow made me slip and show him what he is supposed to see months later. We are young but what is binding us to behave the way we do when it comes to sex and feelings? I want no more parts in this. It should never happen again. If the conversation is going into that direction then I will stop it.

7. I formulated what is worse than feelings. I have assisted my loneliness for a measly kiss from someone I will never get. The hard pill to swallow is that I am not the girl Chris will compromise for. It is sort of bothers me but there are boys who will. The thing is: I do not want those boys. So why do I want Chris?

I want Chris because I am immature and I am still a girl. Because of my princess complex, I believe that I can get what I want and how I want it and that isn’t the case. I am not a princess and it is okay to think I am but when it comes to other people, I must realize that I am not. I cannot get Chris the way I want him. I am starting to understand that as I speak.

Okay let’s look at it from his POV:

- here’s a girl that came to me. She is alright yk, she’s a girl. She isn’t what I expect. She says that she doesn’t have sex yet she allows me to touch what girls should hold close. How can I respect her?

What can I do?

- stop speaking to Chris. I do not have to block him or unfollow him. However, I will not be unrealistic. I will text him but it will not be in his favor. I will not always answer his calls if he does. I will not always text him back. I will not look for him. My heart will not pound for him when I notice him.

What woman do I want to become?

I want to be a beautiful mystery with a secret. I allowed Chirs Thomas to touch me. That is my secret. Will it happen again? No. Do I want it to happen again? At this moment, I do, however, in the future I know I will not. Once I start, I will never get my heart crushed again. I will get what I want and how I want it. I will be peaceful and dainty with a flare.

How do I get out of this funk?

- Start doing what I plan. For themoment since I know I cannot, I will induldge into my schoolwork headway. I will sleep, and watch death note. I will not text back Chris Thomas. I did not want his issues or problems. i wanted his heart for my own validation.

Im sorry Delilah, it just will not happen. Naketa needs to stop liking boys. It always sets us back. Go back to fnding boys repulsive. Tobias will give head when head is due. Grace wil supply weed. You will be fine.

i will love you one day.

10/25 5:22 AM.

[enkisstories]

The android cemetery (Chapter 18)

Viewed from the outside the apartment complex seemed to consist of window next to window and nothing else, long rows of glass held together by faith. Enabling people to live sheltered from the elements while still basking in the light - it really was a miracle of modern architecture (and materials). Alas, humanity! Behind all those high tech windows the humans were still the same old monkeys: mostly dissatisfied with everything, but easily distracted by sex. That was true as well for those not of the homo sapiens, but of the automaton deviansis variant.

It wasn’t the best afternoon for any of the three inhabitants of an apartment in the third row from the top. Daniel had continually scolded and insulted their new YK600 up to the point where even Gavin had to open Urban Dictionary in secret to learn what exactly was communicated. The man had laughed about the phrase for a good two minutes, before it had sunk in that his partner’s behavior was rather strange. Gavin had been under the impression that Daniel enjoyed caring for kids in general, not just Emma. He had done well babysitting Damian Miller, eventually won over the kids in Brindleton Bay and established a good rapport with Alice on the Adeline. So what had gotten the android so damn riled up against Evelyn-formerly-Turner? If anything, Gavin had expected the two to gang up against him, resulting in yet another shouting argument like the day before. Shouting was what they knew how to deal with, what they were used to. This development, however, was unexpected, irritating and therefore vaguely threatening. Damn androids! Gavin Reed concluded. If there was such a thing as souls, Daniel’s for sure had the worst direction sense of them all, entering an android body instead of a baby like a sensible transcendental apparition would have done! Now they had to live with the consequences.

Gavin put aside the tablet. Lazing on the couch he reached for a toy fishing rod that he proceeded to move around for Thor and Loki while his thoughts were elsewhere. Meanwhile in the kitchen Daniel seemed to have changed his tactics. He was now trying to pile work on Evelyn to get her out of his way. Only it didn’t go so well…

“You do not have the right to tell me anything!” the YK600 screeched. “You are only Mr. Reed’s android!”

“I’m not!” Daniel barked back. “Well, I am, sort of. In the same way he is my human. But not the way you think.”

“Shut up!” Lyn demanded. “And don’t try to give me any more orders, because if you do, then I…. I… Then I’m telling!!!”

“Oh? Think Gavin will take your side?! You little…”

There was a moment’s silence, then Daniel came storming out of the kitchen. Thor went into the air with all fours, hissed and ran in circles. Loki stopped mid-movement and looked at his two-legged “mama”, his soulful, eternally blue Ragdoll eyes full of questions. Daniel hunkered down. At first he was just crouching there, then he carefully extended a hand towards the cat. “Hey… hey, furball… Don’t be afraid, please. It’s still me.” Gavin noticed that the old gentleness had returned to his partner’s voice. That and the fear of having destroyed something precious in a moment of loss of control again. Loki gave Daniel’s hand a quick rub with his head, then retreated upstairs.

“Phew”, the android commented the absolution he had just received. The next moment he felt himself pulled on the couch by Gavin.

“This is getting out of hand”, Daniel said while leaning into his partner’s embrace. “We need to… Can you reach my phone?”

“Here. Do you want to call the Andersons? They’ll have a good laugh at our expense, but I doubt the suckers will help.”

“Nah. The ones who dropped that shit on us in the first place will have to solve it.”

“The Turners…?” Gavin started to ask, but Daniel had shushed him. The human swallowed the wrong way and coughed when he heard whom exactly the PL600 was calling:

“Hello? CyberLife customer service?”

“Cyber, cough, Life?!”

“We purchased a pre-owned YK600 as a gift for friends yesterday”, Daniel claimed. “Problem is, now it attempts to bond to us. It already acts as if my husband was its father! So what do we do now?”

The answer, although spot-on, wasn’t especially helpful: “The YK device needs to get reset by the new owner. You can do that yourself if you have the manual. If you do not feel comfortable with computers that’s not a problem at all. You can bring the android over and our shop personnel will gladly reset it for you.”

“Uh, thanks, but… we need to keep the YK600 a few days longer before the… our friends’ anniversary party…”

“I see. In this case just shut it down if it becomes a problem. The CyberLife smartphone app can do that, otherwise the de- and reactivation codes should be in the receipt of purchase.”

“Yes. Yes, we have the codes. Thank you…”

Daniel hung up.

“Words of reason from a human”, he sighed. “That’s something rare. I should rejoice. But I cannot bring myself to do what she suggested.”

“Shall I…?”

Daniel shook his head. He just leaned on, half sitting, half lying, outwardly comfortable, while struggling with something.

“Hey… hey, there, slide-rule… What’s the matter? You came storming in here as if chased by Connor in a full body polar bear suit.”

“I nearly hit Evelyn in the kitchen. I already had my hand raised.”

“So what?”

Daniel shrugged. “You wouldn’t understand why that is bad. Your parents never… or did they?”

No, the Reed couple had never slapped their son into the face. Jim and Dorothy hadn’t been opposed to violence in the broadest sense, such as a sharp smack on their kid’s way too thieving fingers now and then. But never anything that could be perceived as humiliating by their son. Life in general had made sure that little Gavin didn’t have to miss out on that experience.

“No, never.” Gavin confirmed, then added: “Although in one of her withdrawal episodes mom threatened to turn me in to one Captain Barnet. Does that count?”

“Hahaha!” The industrial background sound was still there, Gavin noticed, but Daniel’s laughter sounded far more natural than it had when they had met first or in Brindleton Bay.

Sweet deviant, I made sure had plenty occasion to practice since then.

“Thanks for cheering me up”, Daniel said. “Bottomline is, I know how it feels to be at the receiving end of degrading acts. And I almost did that to Evelyn in the kitchen just now. That’s why I was so shocked.”

“Uh-huh.”

There was nothing else to say, nothing to defend or justify and least of all parenting principles to discuss. Daniel was like that. He rarely tried to sway others, especially not a human, to his position in any given dilemma. Instead the android would shrug, say “that’s not how I do things”, maybe punch the other party once or twice, and afterwards make sure things were done his way. What you felt about that didn’t matter. Just doing things his way long enough for it to become a habit was good enough. It was one of the reasons why Daniel didn’t go along too well with the more preachy Markus and his followers.

“There’s something I never told you, or anybody for that matter”, the android broke Gavin’s train of thought. “You know how back when I was new at the DPD we didn’t laugh together. Instead you laughed me down.”

Accusation? After all this time? Worse, after he had just tried to lighten his partner’s mind load? That didn’t sit well with Gavin, so he shot back: “So what? You insulted me all the time!”

Instead of getting angry now, Daniel flicked his fingers and laughed again.

“Yes, exactly! And you punched me in the guts in retaliation while I couldn’t return the violence.”

The beatings, getting his face dunked into puddles or Gavin’s favorite when it came to “showing androids their place” – poking them into the LED… all the anger and helplessness… It had been far, far more than Daniel of all people had been able to contain. Unable to feed the detective his own medicine the deviant had instead channeled his newfound creativity into pranking the co-worker. Many a day Gavin had found himself soaked through, with a belly ache or utterly humiliated after having walked right into one of the traps the janitor had set for him. Except that one day when Captain Fowler had accidently picked up a laxative spiced snack intended for Gavin and the blame had for some reason fallen on Hank. That had been fun.

“The thing is, I refuse to forget this time as if it never happened”, Daniel said.

“You’re still mad…?”

“No, to the contrary! I mean, I’d be mad if you tried something like it now and you probably wouldn’t survive it. Back in ’39 your bullying was exactly what I needed.”

“You mean as deserved punishment for your deeds? No, wait, that’s not it. You do not swing that way. Okay, I admit you’ve lost me there. What am I missing?”

“Hatred, Gavin. Active rejection. To the Phillips I was nothing more than a tool. Caroline routinely switched me off as punishment for Emma. I got treated like an object. To the contrary YOU only ever TOLD me and Connor that we were things, while in practice treating us the same as your human victims.”

Gavin might have casually elbowed Connor whenever they the met in the floor, but he did that to a lot of people and often without thinking. Daniel instead had on occasion swiped the duster across Connor’s face when he had returned from an investigation, like one did with a piece of furniture. The RK couldn’t even protest lest he’d given himself away as a deviant. And it had made Gavin smile that cute rodent smile of his, so win-win.

“See, Gavin” Daniel went on, “Captain Fowler sometimes calls us his kindergarten, and he isn’t that far off. You gave me a taste of what middle school is like!”

A childhood, the deviant thought. Captain Anderson had provided the safe space for him and Connor to grow up in. And there was more: As Emma’s caretaker Daniel’s task had been to help raise the child into a successful, well-adjusted person. Daniel had accepted that as how things went in the real world. Then he had met the DPD officers, who were… everything but well adjusted. And yet they were getting from one day to the next despite their flaws, even getting results. The experience had been relieving in more than way to Daniel. Here was a dysfunctionally- functioning team that went as far as drawing guns on each other while working on a case. And Hank had outright shot down Connor to prove a point one night. Daniel hadn’t been awake again during either encounter, but been present at several similar ones. All those little scenes had shown him that one could act incredibly stupid and make the worst mistakes, yet life somehow went on and in the end things worked out more often than not. Blunders could get sailed over, their results mitigated. Almost nothing constituted the end of the world. Even if you mis-stepped as badly as Daniel had.

“I was like a kid away from home for the first time, free to be myself instead of having to strive to be the good boy”, the deviant explained. “Things would work out somehow, because they did for the rest of you, too.”

“I still understand only half of that at best, but I see you are happy. Are you…?”

“Yes. I cherish our shared memories, us being together now... everything!”

For the span of a few breaths they just hugged. No words, no thoughts and no lower parts stirring. It was a little sofa nirvana.

Eventually Daniel spoke up again: “Can you do me a favor?”

“Depends…”

“That wasn’t an actual question, you know!”

“Ah.”

“Would you do an extra shift or watch a movie with Tina while I guard the little toad? Anything to be away from the apartment for a while?”

Gavin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Of course he had wanted to sneak away, had even come close to really doing so a few times today. But Daniel explicitly asking him to do it? What was going on here?

“See, Evelyn’s not just programmed to behave like a human child, but the perfect child.” Daniel had checked her manual online and it had creeped him out more than some of the crime scene reports he had copied in his time as a police auxiliary. “This model can get tailored to the owner’s idea of what a child should be like. There’s dlc for misbehavior, irrational fears and even common childhood diseases. But the most important selling point is that an YK android will love you more than a human child. CyberLife just now confirmed it on the phone. As the only human around, Lyn will inevitably bond to you, because that’s what her code tells her.”

When Gavin went “Eeeek” at that like a small rodent, Daniel grinned.

“What the fuck! I’ll be out of here faster than you can say... whatever. Bye!”

Gavin grabbed his jacket, the car keys and the shoes and was out in the floor in record time. He wasn’t slowing down the few steps it took to reach the elevator, either. But when the cabin descended to the ground, the man remembered that he still didn’t know what had caused Daniel to turn so hostile towards the child android in the first place. What had the fucking thing said or done?!