#another thing i made awhile ago but havent posted

[pikawarrior]

Welp welcome back to my random rambles im just gonna talk bout alot of random stuff mainly my stories so here for go lets hope this is understandable

Story/maybe comic stuff

Turning of the orange | The Strawberry Patch - Old soon to be remade/written stop motion strawberry shortcake zombie movie me and my dad were making when i was in elementary schoolish. We unfortunately didnt make it that far since he had to leave often and for long times cuz work, but recently i found my old tablet with all the pics and my notes so rework time baby. Im about to use all my years of angst/horror writing to fuck these bitches up even more

The Butterfly Effect and It's Consequences | The Phoenix Effect -

The Butterfly Effect is my main rottmnt fanfic series. About my little rottmnt oc's (Ame) life and how the gang adopting them into the family changed everything mostly for the better but the bad things kinda got alot worse. Idk been focusing on the phoenix effect more

The Phoenix Effect is kinda an extension of that. Its basically the same thing but adds the cass apocalypse series into it. Basically how future Ame being there also changes things and how oopies mystics powers are hard to control after being half dead in stasis for about 12 years hope Ame does trys to leave to protect everyone from himself only to get kidnapped putting everyone in worse danger also oopies isnt that the super dangerous alien someone accidentally freed awhile ago

The Future Diary - So i watched The Hot Box's video on the anime future diary and well here we are

Another rottmnt oc thing. Ame obtains a diary from his future self being like "hey so the world is gonna end soon here's how i think you could possibly stop that. Pls dont do this all alone ur like 5" and ame decides to do it all by himself.

Got all eight chapters planned out already with two already at stage two (aka fully written out just needs to be edited and stuff). I just dont know how to use ao3 in this sense or how to tag stuff plus i got anxiety so its just sitting in my notes app

Video stuff cuz yes

Currently working on a few more special videos. On my channel ive technically reached 100 videos (i unlisted alot of old ones/never posted a bunch more so technically i reached that months ago but shhh let me have this) plus i got 135 subs now so celebrations are in order. Idk what to say bout this, am making a video using the ok ko ending song idk the name, one is a fake collab a friend made and another is an original meme a youtube mutual/friend by association made. Plus like so mant mini things for my ocs, Dimension and Watcher are gonna get so much development and cute couple moments.

Also everyone else is gonna go through so much trauma my gods its gonna amazing.

Also ive been trying to like voice things, audio quality sucks cuz im working off of my tablet but like ive voice a few of my own videos (only one posted) and like its so fun i wish i had proper stuff to do this so i can do it more

Other art stuff

I got a toyhou.se (its EnviousDeath), pls enjoy these characters and stuff

Im trying to make my art more mess and chaotic while staying clean? If that makes any sense. Still a lover of doing gacha stuff but am trying to branch out more.

Also btw how do people just idk do social stuff like trade characters, comment, and just aaaa idk what am doing i forgot how to do social stuff and also i never understood how to do this type without being awkward as hell

Character stuff

Watcher - *slaps religious trauma onto them* bitch gets sacrificed. Okay okay so Watcher, wasnt always Watcher. Before they used to be Ena a simple kid who was sent away for reasons i havent thought of yet to a church. Blah blah corruption, Watcher gets sacrificed for not falling in line blah blah they were saved and given a second chance.

Dimension - *slaps alot of anxiety and identity issues onto her* bitch got issues. Same as Watcher, Dimension wasnt always Dimension. Before she was Ellie a poor girl hated by her whole town because of the lies their mother spread about them and their father who had left years ago. She only had one friend, Watcher. Somehow they managed to make contact with each other despite being in different universes. Eventually Dimension snapped and went on a killing spree, slowly ripping apart her world in the process because this wasnt supposed to happen (think spiderverse canon events but different ill explain later) with her world crumbling around her, Dimension messages Ena one last time, not knowing Ena was already long gone, and accepts what they assume to be death only to fall into whats basically the anti void from utmv, gets corrupted and became a villain technically more of a multiversal criminal.

(For time and length reasons im cutting this segment short)

Multiverse stuff

OKAY TIME FOR WORLD BUILDING

How does what happened to Dimension's universe work? The way i explained it is like spiderverse canon events but different, but heres the details. Idk how to explain this but bare with me

Imagine each universe as a game in a folder on a computer. Each game has different code, story, art assets basically all are mostly different.

Most games are coded to have very specific story events and when something goes wrong everything breaks. Like take a spaghetti thing of code that shatters the moment you try to do something like trying to talk with an npc while having a status effect and thats how some of these worlds are like. And Dimension's was very much one of those worlds, and her breaking down like that shattered the code of their world and everything fell apart.

Im too tired to continue but my main multiverse is like one big computer own by a game creator who only sometimes knows how to make a stable game

Feel free to ask about any of what ive just ramblef about am always willing to ramble bout my stuff

[enchantingtheoristartisan]

HELP, WHY CANT I MESSAGE ANYONE

OK, SOOO, LIKE, i made this account awhile ago, and, forgot to verify my email, for like a week, went to my email, clicked the verify link, and boom, account made!, but, i was on tumbler, this account, for a bit, i could message people aka comment on posts and stuffs, even after verifying it, i could message and comment, untiiiil, i posted my fresh sans post, it was a masterlist/list for people to find, to recommend me or share more fics about fresh sans, the day i posted it, it was normal, people could message, i could message, all, was well, till, a day after, i checked my tumblr, i thought, 'huh, whys my post on fresh sans unable to be messaged?' thought nothing of it, probs a tumblr thing or something, untiiiil, i tryed to go to another post, one i was sure people were messageing and commenting on, chekced, and boom, cant comment, comments turned off for this post, so, made another account, verified it, and checked the post again, and WHADDAYA KNOW, i could comment on it!, i dont know why i cant comment on posts anymore, i checked my settings and stuffs, i didnt block or disable anything, and, im sure as heck i didnt post or comment anything against guidlines or somethings, if someone knows what to do, please just ask in my ask box thingy, im mostly online, though school gets in the way sometimes, please please tell me if you do know. i have a theory, i made this account a week ago, didnt verify it after the week, but, remmebered it, went back to the original link, it was expired , but, still clicked on it, it said it was expired, but it went to verify my account, i think, since it just put ,me back on my tumblr account, i think, it glitched it into thinking i wasnt verified, but kindaaa verified, so it thinks im not verified, so i cant comment or message people, buuut it also thinks i already verified it, so i probably cant reverify it again, i havent tried, but, ill might try later, thanks for reading, and uh, sorr for the long post, im a bit emotional right now cause, stuffs, thx, and goodday night and whatever, remember, you are very cool!

[suaudisruption]

UPDATE: [Explanation + Revamp ]

(i do express some feelings in here that might be a bit of a downer, so if you dont want to read through that, i recommend skipping to the last three paragraphs <3 )

yeesh- hey yall i know its been- definitely a good while since ive posted anything on here, besides things that went down a couple months ago. and first, i want to apologize for not fufilling my goals to get this story out. its been- a very rough year to say the least, a lot of bad things and changes, some good- but its taken its toll on me pretty bad.

i havent forgotten about this story, though. i think about it all the time, i think about disrupt and artifact all the time, and i want to share their story with yall so so bad, but- im stuck in a place where i feel like its?? too late lol??? and i know its not but- i guess it got increasingly difficult over time to actually post things because i wanted to make sure everything was planned out perfectly, that i had a good story to tell and i wouldnt let people down- but the more i kept nitpicking, the more worried i got to even post anything in the first place. and thats something i still really need to work on, tbh.

motivation was another issue in itself- its very hard for me to stay on one thing for too long, especially if it requires a lot of attention- and my struggle this year with mental health made that even worse lol. so while i so desperately wanted to make content- i felt trapped and unable to actually do so.

but i say this all with a reason- and thats because i think im going to revamp this page and give it. give this story one more shot. its not even fully about letting yall down, its also- i dont want to keep this story inside me and never get the chance to tell it, you know..? and i- know the process will take awhile and my organization might be messy, etc- but atleast im telling it in some way- besides lol, i kind of need to tell this story to help heal myself too. i cant leave this abandoned, because its such a big part of me and i- yeah.

ill form a more coherent post when i finish revamping this page a bit, but- to those who are willing and wanting to stick around for how ever long it takes for me to complete my unorganized messy storytelling lol- i truly appreciate you all. it means a lot.

and with all that, off i go to edit some things! please make sure to hydrate and eat something if you can, today <3 your health is always important, mentally and physically <3 <3

[antiresperidoneclub]

i havent posted anything in awhile but happy pride month yall! and, very much in me fashion imma take this time ta make another informational post! this installment is called

why assimilation is overall harmful to the queer community + the damage of pseudo-right wing ideas spread thruout the trans community!

CW: queerphobia, transmedicalism, bl*ir wh*te, k*lvin g*rrah, violence against queer ppl.

so, where do we start?

assimilation, what is it?

assimilation is a deliberate effort made by a minority/ marginalized group to (instead of become free) join the majority/privledged, which is wildly more accesible ta abled nuerotypical cis white lgb folks.

now, how does that apply ta th queer community? before that, we hafta look at th stark distinction between th LGBT community and th QUEER community.

because sadly its now different

imma make this as short as possible but basically,

despite its intentions when it was formed decades ago, th LGBT communiy an th way it functions is percieved is different. case in point, th term LGBT has been heavily gentrified and commodified especially by corporations tryina sell it to non-lgbt audiences. youll notice a majority of LGBT voices an advocates are usually white cis lgb ppls or are assimilationists. th term LGBT aswell has been heavily diluted and decontexualized from its roots, such as fightin for rights wit riots an demonstrations, bein heavily tied wit black an indigenous liberation, socialist ideals and memorializing th struggle for our freedom. its also (as apart of its gentrification) is bein forced ta be more 'family friendly' in an effort of control an ta make cash off of us an further assimilate us.

the QUEER community is a somewhat niche nowadays as it sticks fairly close ta th original goals as th LGBT community once had. such as wantin an willin ta fight for liberation rather than succumb ta assimilation. its also seen as a threat as it directly challenges th authority (capitlism, cops/military, goverment, white supremacy, fascism) for its mistreatment an oppresion against queer ppl and other marginalized groups. if th LGBT community is th privledged assimilations that can be proffited off of, then th queer community is more alike 'outcasts' or 'rejects' that arent as palatable ta a cishet majority ie; trans women/ trans/queer ppls of colour, more radicalized queer folks, or those impoverished.

so, with that said, how has/does assimilation harm queer ppl?

as i said, assimilation is disspraportionatly accesible ta able-bodied, neurotypical, cis, non-poor white LGB ppls (shocker) meaning th majority of queer poc, trans people, impoverished, and diasbaled/neurodivergent folks get left behind and continuosly stomped on in an attempt ta eradicate us. and it should be noted theres 2 types of assimilation

1. forced assimilation; forced assimilation is where marginalized ppls thru cultural eradication/genocide r forced ta strip themselves of their identity an join th majority which results in oppresion, discrimination, an further erasure of th ppls themselves. this is heavily seen within th queer community wit th AIDS crisis where those who survived were later branded as 'brave' by th very system that sought their demise in th first place, leavin our community in shambles.

2. chosen assimilation; chosen assimilation is where usually a small group/ or a singular person will disregard their people in an a attempt ta be spared from oppresion or discrimination. in terms of queer ppl (especially trans folks) th main contendors r blair white, kalvin garrah, an buck angel. blair is a stellar example of attempted assimilation. she not only rejetcs, but constantly puts her own people on blast publicly ta her audince of white cishet conservatives an (more often than not) fascists. not only that but she deliberatly associates wit th very ppl who seek her erasure an oppresion in an assbackwards attempt at salvation. more concrete examples include 1. showin herself as 'one of th good ones' or 'normal' 2. acting as if shes cishet 3. constantly self-hating ta appease those mentioned above 4. spewing dangerous an misinormed rhetoric aimed at trans ppls which directly affects trans poc an non-passing trans women. next, kalvin garrah. i was gonna write a whole thing on him but instead ill (below) link copshatemoe's videos about him.

so, now that we know how assimilation both forced an personal harms queer ppls in general, what about trans ppls an th trans community?

transmedicalism and its disasterous effects towards the trans community.

transmedicalism is a belif system of sorts that follows ideals such as

beliving trans ppls must be suffering from dysphoria to be trans

a trans person must want to transition to be trans

being trans is a mental illness/ neurological condition/ birth defect cause by unbalanced horomone levels or th existence of "male and female brains"

belivies HRT or surgerys are a 'cure' for dysphoria/ 'transness'

that neopronouns or non-lesbian, gay, bisexual, or binary trans folks are invalid or 'wannabes' who see th "lgbt community as a club of sorts to join jus because"

borderline or blatant rascist, transmysoginistic, ableist rhetoric.

intentional or not, that assimilation is key an becomin 'as close ta bein cis as possible' is th goal of transition.

now, i could spend ages rantin about how these belifs are blatently wrong but however rather than disecting them lets jus go over th direct harm these belifs have caused th trans community.

lets start wit nonbinary folks. nowadays as ive seen transmedicalism has become more open ta acceptin nonbinary folks but regardless they were one of th first punchin bags. since bein nonbinary in any facet isnt exactly 'medically sustained' its already seen as bullshit, but past that it opens th gates for neoprounouns an non-convetional identitys. enby ppls would be attacked constantly or called "trenders" in an attempt ta discourage them from even existing. this 'highschool bully' type of mentality along wit th superiority complex behind transmedicalism created a stark divide between "normal" trans ppls an th "weirdo, faker" trans ppls. not only did these attacks further stigmatize an already oppresed minority but also forced ppl ta hide themselves from they own community ta avoid ridicule an bullying. this type of harrasment has left these ppls wit trauma an fear of they identity bein challenged not only online but also in IRL queer spaces while they already hafta stay hypervigilant around cis ppl, now it seems th same around binary trans folks. not only have nonbinary ppls have been impacted however, binary trans ppls were left wit insecurities, wonderin if they dysphoria is 'rlly that bad compared ta others' and worrying about things they usually didnt care about. probably th biggest of those is 'passing'. passing is th action of looking as cis as possible ta blend in an avoid general treatments sustained by cishet ppls. i as a transwomen was directly affected by this rhetoric which caused me years of my transition spent not becomin myself, but becomin as close ta a cis girl as possible. this lead me ta become embarresed by my own community also factored in by havin virtually no trans friends IRL. this was th shared experince of many binary trans folks an nonbinary trans folks i know an am friends with. in conclusion, transmedicalsim has not only ostrasized an traumatized queer folks, but has also left insecurities an damage ta binaty trans folks aswell.

so, with that in mind, how do we combat, well, all of this an much more?

liberation

liberation is th action of freeing a marginalized group from its oppresive chains. an how would this look/work for th queer community?

majority of cishet ppls think that queer liberation ended wit marriage equality but thats very much not true. multiple basic human freedoms have been stripped from not only cis lgb queers but also trans people aswell. rights such as affordable housing witout discrimination, medical options for trans people being completly accesible or downright free, safe spaces or areas where were able ta exist free of fear of persecution or discrimination, better healthcare treatment towards queer ppl, things sometimes neccisary ta ones transition bein more accesible such as name/document changes, and many more things. but remember, none of this is possible witout ingigenous liberation/land back, black liberation, or under capitlism

anyways, i have 0 way ta end this so happy pride month an a very happy juneteenth!! if ur black ur more than welcome ta leave any gofundmes, cashapps, venmos etc in th notes or reblogs!

also, if you have any additions or points/topics i shouldve made or covered pls reblog wit them!

-alexis

[multifandomwriter18]

Feeling a little down: Chatnoir x reader :PART 1:

A/n: hey so it’s been awhile since I last posted. Sorry for being so inactive I’ve been working full time and I’ve been really busy. I havent been in such a writing mood and of course work and life has been keeping me on my toes but I’ll try my best to get asks / requests done and try to be more active on here.

Since it’s been a while since I posted a Chatnoir x reader I thought I’d post one now. *this is taken from my Chatnoir x reader oneshots on wattpad.

I'm basing this chapter on season 2 Glacier..(was that the name of it?) I think it was episode 10? You know the one where the ice cream guys gets akumatized and Chat Noir gets depressed cuz LadyBug didn't show up and Marionette is upset about Adrien? Yeah well this will be sorta based on that specific episode but without the whole akumatized part etc. OKAY! Now... You may enjoy!

ALSO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 200 FOLLOWERS! I know it’s not a lot to some of you but it really means a lot to me. Thank you for all the support and love I have received on my blog. Be sure to follow my other one @swiftdagger-con *keep in mind I cannot message anyone on that blog but feel free to send dms on this one here :)

Tears weld in my eyes as I small sob breaks out of me. I was standing up on the roof top/balcony of my house.

I can't believe it..

(Boyfriend name) broke up with me..how could he do something like that?!

"I don't love you anymore (y/n)..I'm so sorry..I'm so sorry.."

His words ring inside my head. I don't love you anymore..

My whole body shakes as I clenched on to the bars of the balcony. I held on for dear life chase it felt like the whole world was shaking..

"I thought I could love like I loved (your enemy's name who was once dating your now ex.bf) but I don't..I just..I..I just can't.."

I clenched my jaw as I covered my ears, shaking my head trying to making the noise in my head stop.

Not too long ago Rose was telling me about (bf's name) and (your enemy) getting close together at a small Café.

I take in a sharp inhale and slumped down pressing my face against the bars. Marionette and Ayla were trying to cheer me up today with some ice cream along with Nino but nothing was working.

Not even Adrien could help me..I mean he couldn't even go anyways but still..

I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose. My (eye colour) eyes burned from all the crying. I bet I looked hideous. Strands of my (hair colour) hair stuck to my sweaty forehead.

All this crying was making me sick. I closed my eyes and take in another deep breath. I stood up and shakily went into my bathroom and splashed water on my (skin colour) face.

•(When I mean by skin colour I mean like pale, or flushed or like light coloured skin, or dark or tan etc.)•

I looked in the mirror and frowned. My once (eye colour) eyes were now a little blood shot and I had small bags under my eyes.

I groaned and slumped on my washroom floor. "Come on (y/n) you can do this..you gotta be strong.."

I stood back up and cleaned up my face with more water. I sighed and dried my face again. Slowly my eyes softened a little more and the bags under my eyes didn't look too bad.

I fixed my hair into its usually side braid and walked back outside. I closed my eyes enjoying the cool breeze.

I leaned against the bars and looked up at the moon. I have to be strong..

"Hi there, (y/n) right?"

I gasped nearly falling on my ass. I was too much in a daze and I didn't even see Chat Noir sitting on the railing.

I stared at him with wide eyes. "Ah..I didn't mean to frighten you..I um..I was wondering if I could hang out here.."

After I was able to slow my heart heart I walked a little closer to him. "Ah..yeah sure..I mean-yeah! Yeah, I would mind that at all." I rambled out as he slumped a little looking at the stars.

"Y-you ok?" I asked softly as I moved a little closer to him. "I guess.." He barley whispered and I frowned.

"What's wrong.."

"Love issues.." He grumbled and I looked away. "I know how that feels.." I muttered as I looked back at the stars.

"Wait what happened to you?" He asked softly as his soft but sad green eyes met my glassy (eye colour) ones.

I looked away and tucked a stray strand of (hair colour) hair behind my ear. "You first.." I mumbled and he sighed. "I had this whole little date planned for LadyBug and I..b-but she didn't show up..it's not like she would've came..she said she might now be able to come but..I had my fingers crossed..I thought she would've made it.." He replied as I felt his voice starting to break.

"I..I'm so sorry Chat..I..maybe she was-"

"-it doesn't matter anymore..what happened to you?" He asked cutting my off.

I bite on my lower lip as I made sure to not cry. Especially in front of him..

"M-my..my uh...my boyfriend broke-broke up with-with me." I babbled out as I let out a small laugh.

"Not like I didn't see it coming..the thing that made me wonder was how he came up with the whole thing. 'I don't love you anymore..' Who says that to someone?" I hissed out as I cursed under my breath for saying to much.

"(Y/n)..I'm sorry to hear that..I mean..ouch..that must've sucked..wait I-"

I waved him off as I leaned against the railing. "It's ok, I got used to it a long time ago.." I stated softly and looked over at him who seemed even more depressed.

He met my gaze and looked away. "Yeah..I guess your right.."

I frowned and without thinking my hand rested on his. "Hey..don't be like that..I-maybe she was busy..people sometimes have a full plate and can't do everything at once."

He huffed as I felt his cheeks turn pink from our touching hand. I sighed and looked at him with a faint smile.

"I don't think she meant any harm..Ladybug didn't mean to hurt you..there's always next time right?"

He shook his head and I frowned pulling my hand away. "I'm sorry..I'm just making it worse right? I'm sorry.."

He looked at me and stepped off the railing and stood next to me. His back rested against the railing as his eyes met mine.

"Please stop apologizing..it's not your fault..and no your not making this worse, I promise you that.."

My eyes widened for a small moment and then softened. He gave me a small smile extended one gloved hand.

"How about I cheer you up a little, I have the perfect place." I stared at him and back at his hand.

Slowly and shakily I placed my hand in his as he then held me close.

"Hold on tight ok? I promise I won't drop you.." I smiled as I warped my arms around his neck closing my eyes as I breathed in his sweet, almost drugging scent.

"I know you won't..I trust you.." I rest my head on his chest as I was able to hear the rhythm of his heart beat.

I felt a small purr rumble in his chest making my stomach dip and churn. Finally when he was ready he scooped me up in his arms and we were then on our way.

Part two will be up soon! Thanks for reading!!

I don't think I want to add heavy sexual scenes for this chapter..

Maybe something a little vanilla like scenes..

Anyways stay tuned for more!

[inhum3n]

MaDD and my Sexuality

Disclaimer:  My account, while it is based in facts and knowledge that I have learned from different MaDD sources, is primarily autobiographical.  So please read the following passage as a hypothesis, or just me trying dissect a part of myself.  I repeat this post doesn’t reflect scientific research.  It is wholly based on my own introspections.

Awhile ago I made a post asking my fellow MaDDers if their MaDD tendencies caused them confusion on their sexuality.  It’s been awhile since that post and I’ve had time to reflect on my MaDD tendencies and my sexuality.  And here are my results.

Yeah so basically, I’m 84% sure I’m aroace, or in other words aromantic asexual.  I’ve had an inkling about my asexuality since I was about 15 when I stumbled across the word on some site on the internet.  Actually a friend of mine might have introduced it to me… Not exactly sure, either way I’m here.  

To give a quick little definition to those out there not familiar with aroace stuff: Asexual is an umbrella term for people who experience very limited to little sexual attraction. Asexuals can have libido, can have sex, can pursue relationships, can feel romantically, etc.  It’s all about the small or zero amt. of sexual attraction to another person.  Aromantics are people who don’t experience romantic attraction to other people. So an aroace is a person who experiences little to no romantic and sexual attraction to other people.  

*I might delve a little deeper into my aroace journey in a separate post or even make a whole other board about asexuality and aromance, but to keep things curt I’ll focus on the relationship between my ace-ness and sexuality*

I’ve had MaDD or immersive daydreaming for as long as I can remember, yet I havent’ had parames for that long.  For a long time it felt weird to incorporate myself directly into my daydreams.  They mainly consisted of self-made paras, face holders(people in the actual world), or fictional characters.  It wasn’t until around my teen years did I began to make parames.  Even then I rarely developed romantic/sexual relationships between my parames or paras. Usually it was more like the pre stages of a romantic relationship.  Like my parame would hug or hold hands with another para, but never kiss or beyond that. My paras could be more romantic with each other, but there was never really any sexual stuff.  I think at that age I had the awareness that my MaDD was a self made portrait of my life.  So aspects of it reflected my true desires, feelings, and thoughts.  So it made sense to me that I was most likely asexual(I was unaware of the romantic spectrum at this point or knew very little).

It started to get a little more complicated. I got more comfortable with more intense romantic plots for my parames, and more comfortable with romantic/sexual plots between paras. A part of me wonders if this is because I was slowly detaching from my religious background.  I definitely felt like thinking about sexual things was “bad” or a “sin” so I felt hesitant to include them in my daydreams.  And when I would I’d feel guilty and shameful about it. But as I left the faith so did my shame. It could’ve also been related to just growing older and learning more about sex, and thus feeling more comfortable about it.

I reached a point where I could use intensely romantic and sexual plots between not just my paras, but also my parames and paras. Interestingly I found this only worked with fictional and certain faceholder paras.  If one of my faceholders was a friend(I put a real life friend into my dadyreams) I could not explore an intensely romantic and/or sexual plot with them.  I could envision innocent things like hugging and handholding, but never kissing even less sex.  Oh my god... Sorry I just realized that that’s not necessarily true.  If the faceholder was a male friend than I couldn’t do stuff like that, but I’ve had female friend faceholders and my parames have kissed them…hmm. With the male faceholders it was always like the pre stages of a romantic relationship.  Like if you were to watch it as a movie, you would sense a romantic tension and assume they’d get together by the end.  Mine are like that except you never get the final end scene.  It’s always “A love that could’ve been but inevitably was to never be”. I guess what I’m saying is that I find it interesting that the paras that were faceholders/based off of actual people in my life were ones my parames could rarely engage in romantically and never engage in sexually.

Having said this, I also realize there’s a difference between real life romantic/sexual desires and romantic/sex fantasies.  That’s the argument I’ve heard other MaDDers make.  That sexual/romantic desires may not be properly reflected on your paracosms.

That leads me to my final thought.  Is my MaDD the reason for my sexuality?  I’ve talked about how I’ve wondered if the reason why I’m so calm and passive in the rea world is due to being more emotionally invested in these paracosms. Can that apply to sexual and romantic interests too?  Am I investing my romantic and sexual side into my paracosms so much so that I’m left with nothing in the real world.  I know I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone, and of late I’ve been thinking that I’ve never felt romantically attracted to someone either.  It’s almost like I can take people I’m interested in/crushes incorporate them into my daydreams and the fulfill my romantic wishes there.  So then that satisfies me enough and I never pursue it in real life??

I don’t want this to be invalidating to asexuals.  Aces are valid, these are just my thoughts as MaDDer and aroace.  And there isn’t really a conclusion to this…because I still don’t know.

[diamondsnpolaroids]

I know I havent posted in awhile, and I will catch you all up on my weekly polaroid progression shots but I've really been struggling this week and I need to get it out somewhere.

Yes. I am still pregnant. In 3 days I'll finally be 40 weeks. A milestone I never thought I'd get to because this entire pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of emotions, pain and endless struggles. I didnt want to be pregnant this long. At all. This is going to be long and there will be a lot of personal details, but I need to get it out. I'm tired of having all these thoughts with no outlet.

Since I was 16 years old I was convinced I would never be able to have a child. It was always a devastating thought until I got to the age of 22 when i finally kind of accepted the fact and was okay not becoming a mother. The one thing i wanted between those years, the one thing that broke my heart was I'd never be able to experience the feeling of being pregnant. That may seem silly because that's such a short period of time when it comes to being a mother. 9 months of growing a human compared to the years and years of seeing that person grow is so minuscule. But for some reason that was always what broke me most.

I was dating the same man that entire time. I was 16 when we first starting dating, and I'll be convinced till the day I die that he was my soulmate. He was my best friend over absolutely anything. I could be my totally authentic self with him. He knew how weird I was and stayed. He watched me drown myself in my depression and stayed. He saw me act like a child, like an adult, my worst and best moments. Experienced my grief and my biggest accomplishments and was always right there for me. Growing up with an alcoholic drug addict father I knew I needed a man that would never abandon his family for those things. He was the man I knew I never needed to worry about.

I never really noticed the abusive behavior. The mental torture, isolation, the control he held over me, how hard his harsh words would hit.. it never really crossed my mind because when the good times were good, they were great. When they were bad, I was convinced it was all on me. My depression was the controlling one. My insane mind was the problem. Never him. Then the alcohol started to take over. He consumed himself in it whenever he had the chance. His childhood was ruined by this substance just like mine was and he was slowly turning to it instead of working out his trauma that it caused. Hed increase the intake slowly but surely and when it got too much for me to handle I'd cry and beg that he stopped. Seeing how upset it made me the first few times hed stop or slow down. But it was never for long. Hed go a week and then once again it would slowly increase and the cycle would continue. After awhile, I was "crazy" and he was "just doing what everyone our age was doing". No one our age was drinking 6+ a night on week days and spending $200 at least per night on the weekends. By the time we hit 7 years it got to an all time low. April of 2019 I realized all of this wasnt okay any more. An old friend had walked into my life and for the first time in years I was treated like a human being with feelings. Real feelings that were valid. I was told and shown that I was no where near the same happy girl I once was. It was all over my face and in my body language that I was a totally different person and not in a good way. It was clear just by looking in my eyes that I was severely depressed. I was reassured that my decision to split to work on ourselves was indeed the best step forward I could have ever taken.

My boyfriend reluctantly agreed to end the relationship for the sake of bettering ourselves or else we'd never last as a long term couple. He stopped drinking. Wed still hangout but was met with an extreme depression on his end, begging for me to stay and help him through it as if I hadn't tried for years and years. I knew nothing I could do would make him change, it needed to be a decision he made for himself. He had ruined every part of my being and I needed to explore who I was as an individual. My old friend made me feel ways I hadn't in years and eventually I caved to my emotions and desperate need to feel wanted without the attachment and abusive behavior always on my shoulders. I wasnt with my ex, and I kept it from him. After a month I started to notice his changes but it wasnt enough. He still tried to keep me wrapped around his finger while questioning my every move. He was working on it though, and I was noticing the change, but I couldnt stop what I was doing.

After another month he found out. He was upset, naturally, but was still around. He still wanted to work on it. Then 3 days later I took my first pregnancy test. It was positive. I kept it to myself praying it was a fluke. I took 2 more the next day. It wasnt. I took one last one, called my doctor, then called him over. I told him, and it wasnt an ideal reaction. He was forcing an abortion on me. For someone who never thought they could get pregnant, to find out after years that it was indeed possible, I just couldnt. This was a miracle in my eyes. Once I told him I couldnt, giving him the option to sign off all his rights and to stay away if that's what he wanted, he accepted he was going to be a father. But he also disappeared. Just up and left, and I was met with the worst mental abuse he could ever dish out for weeks. I had never felt so low in my entire life. Being told our child is a mistake, how terrible of a person I was and how him not being around is totally and completely my fault. What i failed to mention is for the last 3 years of our relationship he would use snapchat to talk to girls behind my back. I'd check his phone after every fight and hed go out drinking, just to see up to 7 different girls names with a "sent" notification beside them. I'd delete them off his contacts, confront him, ect ect, but he never stopped. I was always ashamed I stayed with someone who could do this but my love for him was so blind and so strong.. I couldnt let go.

Whenever I would mention all the hurt he caused me, it never compared to me sleeping with someone else while we weren't even together. It was ALL. MY. FAULT. And he couldnt take even an ounce of responsibility for how he treated me and pushed me out of his arms. After 2 weeks of us knowing I'm pregnant, he started seeing someone else. He was drinking beyond what he ever was with me, and now he was with someone else. Some girl who was also fresh out of a long term relationship, totally okay with the fact he was to but also expecting a baby with. I shouldnt have been mad or upset, we weren't together, but it hurt. I wanted the man I thought I'd never have to worry about being a good dad to actually be here with me on this journey. But he wasnt. For the months to come he gave me promises that their relationship wasnt an offical thing and reassured me he doesnt think she'll be around long. I shouldnt give up hope on us. My hormonal, emotional self prayed that was true.. until they became official in September.

Once that happened, it was like a ghost town. I only saw him for the 3 ultrasounds we had to pay for. He never came to any doctors appointments, he didnt feel the baby move, nothing. The entire time blaming me for him not being around. I sat at home every day after long shifts at work knowing I'm all alone in this world, growing a baby, doing everything by myself while he lived his life with no responsibility, laying next to her every night. Every day my heart broke. Some days were better than others, but not a single day I didnt wish and pray that hed atleast be there for his child. I knew my feelings weren't relevant anymore, I just wanted my son to have a father. He needed to have a father. I wasnt going to let my kid go through life always wondering why he wasnt enough for him like I did. I still hurt for myself, but no where near as much as I hurt for my son. I was given empty promises from my ex, he said hed call every day so atleast if he didnt watch our baby grow inside of me, hed atleast know his voice when he finally arrives. But hed go days without calling, and it would somehow turn into my fault because I hurt him too much to call his son.

I've spent this entire pregnancy working on myself, on my mental health, researching how to be a mother, what I need to do and stay away from, how to cope with every type of situation that may arise. I've done nothing but work on growing myself to be the best person I could be for my son. He just stayed drinking away his problems, distracting himself in every type of way he could. Avoiding all responsibilities of becoming a father soon.

Fast forward to about a week ago, when a phone call got a little spicy heated between us and ended in me sending him some snapchats of myself by his request. I know I shouldnt have, he was with someone else, but I missed him and wanted one last feeling of being wanted by the man I always thought I'd marry. I did exactly what broke me the last 3 years of our relationship and I really didnt feel bad about it. For 2 days this continued until it just stopped and he got cold with me. Once again, I'm left broken hearted but this time, I know it's my own fault.

During the time before this, for months I highly considered giving my son my last name. It made sense. He wasnt reliable enough to even spend 30 seconds every day to call his son, how could I ever believe hed be there every day for him once he was born? It was logical. Everyone who knew our situation told me I should even before I brought up that being an option I was weighing in my mind.

A few days after our snapchatting stopped, I had to finally tell him. I couldnt bring myself to blindside him with something so serious. I should have, really, but I still hold his feelings deep in my heart, and I couldnt hurt the man I spent over 7 years with like this. So I told him. He broke. But not in any way I ever thought he would. He confessed how he still loved me, how everyone around him knows he still loves me, ending with how much this would break his heart, giving us no chance of ever being together again. We'd never be able to do things as a family, hed never look at me or our son again. It was, to say the least, extremely intense. But it also left me wondering if this was one of the many manipulative ways he knows to get what he wants. He always brought "us" up to get his way on things. It felt genuine, but I'm also extremely hormonal and yes I still love and miss him like crazy.

It's been a few days since then and theres been no word of any feelings since. Hes been cold and more distant and my heart is once again broken into a million pieces. Hes called a couple times but he still misses days. I was given the go ahead to try and self induce labour by my midwives so I have been. When he calls and asks what I did with my day, I'd tell him. Last night apparently I shouldnt have. I was met with anger because I should "leave him be, he'll come when hes ready" as if he knows any kind of physical pain I've been through these last few months.

These past 2 weeks alone I have felt nothing but pain. Between feeling my hips separating, my pelvic bones shifting and my son's head descending lower, constant back pain, not being able to walk properly, my kid sitting on nerves leaving my legs feeling paralyzed or sending shocks into my vagina. Not being able to sleep more than 2 hours at a time max, peeing every hour on the hour, his feet kicking my ribs so hard I curl over, getting his feet stuck under them as well. The pains are unimaginable as you can see, now mixed with all the emotional distress I've been under... you could imagine how I'm ready for this child to enter the world. But no.. I'm being selfish. He isnt ready. I'm fine to keep going. Because apparently my ex knows everything my body is enduring just to bring our child into this world. It broke my fucking heart last night when he yelled at me for it. Absolutely shattered it.

Which brings us to this picture. I couldnt sleep once again, and every time I woke up I was met with mind numbing depression and long crying spells. I feel more alone than ever. My 16-22 years of age is crying for me knowing this was all I ever wanted out of life and it has been constantly ruined and brought down by a man I never knew would act the way he has been. This pregnancy was so easy in almost every aspect compared to most women, I've been so so blessed to have such an easy time physically and yet I constantly feel as if he has ruined this experience for me. Sometimes the mental abuse from a man is worse than the physical. And he knew exactly how to ruin this all for his own selfish needs. I've spent all day today feeling ruined, beaten down, and just straight up depressed. I'm not ready to be a mother, infact I am absolutely scared shitless to be one. But I'm willing to go through being scared over all this physical pain I've been through that seems never ending. I'm ready to meet and love my little man. But once again I feel like I cant even be happy about it because of my ex.

I'm tired. I'm so so so tired of being so inlove with a man who has shown me time and time again he wont be the father I always knew he could be. My heart hurts so bad for my son every single day. And I'm just.... tired. Which is why I'm posting this picture along with my story. I know some women have it worse with their pregnancies and the fathers leaving. I know some men can be all of this plus physically abusive towards women. I know I dont have it the worst, but I'm trying. I need to for my son. I doubt this post will get very far, and I know a lot of judgment will come my way for it, but if my pregnancy journey can help even one woman not feel so alone, then I'm happy with sharing it.

[thisbibliomaniac]

Would you hate me if I asked for all 200?

 I could never hate you my darling !

200: My crush’s name is: ohhhh I’m not posting that here XD

199: I was born in: hell 

198: I am really: average 197: My cellphone company is: stupid 196: My eye color is: brown 195: My shoe size is: inconvenient 194: My ring size is: 7 on my ring finger, 8 on my middle finger 193: My height is: 5′5″192: I am allergic to: according to my most recent rescan, egg yolks, corn starch, and ... something else 191: My 1st car was: a windstar 190: My 1st job was: ice cream shop! 189: Last book you read: Pride and Prejudice. loved it 188: My bed is: blue, green, purple, and pink 187: My pet: obi, who is so cute 186: My best friend: amazing wonderful beautiful incredible 185: My favorite shampoo is: maui vanilla 184: Xbox or ps3: nintendo 64183: Piggy banks are: for collecting cool money 182: In my pockets: scrunchie and box cutter 181: On my calendar: seeing @dangerously-human asap! 180: Marriage is: unlikely 179: Spongebob can: die 178: My mom: cool beans 177: The last three songs I bought were? these boots were made for walking, 9-5, idk probably something by kelly clarkson 176: Last YouTube video watched: steven crowder on the catholic boys. worth the watch 175: How many cousins do you have? oh gosh. so many. i was gonna add them up, but honestly? there’s at least 40, and aint nobody got time to mentally run through the whole family 174: Do you have any siblings? yes 173: Are your parents divorced? no 172: Are you taller than your mom? lol yes 171: Do you play an instrument? piano 170: What did you do yesterday? worked :/[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: nope 168: Luck: i joke about it, but not really 167: Fate: no 166: Yourself: heck no 165: Aliens: nope 164: Heaven: of course 163: Hell: definitely 162: God: absolutely 161: Horoscopes: absolutely not 160: Soul mates: yes 159: Ghosts: no 158: Gay Marriage:  nope 157: War: yes 156: Orbs: ? 155: Magic: cats are magic [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs 153: Drunk or High: neither 152: Phone or Online: phone 151: Red heads or Black haired: ahhhh. both 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: cold 148: Summer or winter: nether D:147: Autumn or Spring: autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 145: Night or Day: night 144: Oranges or Apples: apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: curly 142: McDonalds or Burger King: ew neither 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: milk140: Mac or PC: pc always 139: Flip flops or high heals: both!!138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: ugly and sweet are not mutually exclusive 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi 136: Hillary or Obama: haahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha135: Burried or cremated: idk i wont be there 134: Singing or Dancing: singing 133: Coach or Chanel: walmart 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: taylor hicks!!!!! 131: Small town or Big city: in between 130: Wal-Mart or Target: both 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: adam sandler 128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure 127: East Coast or West Coast: east coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: neither 125: Chocolate or Flowers: both 124: Disney or Six Flags: disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox: Indians [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: a necessary evil 121: George Bush: i was like 12 so 120: Gay Marriage: wicked 119: The presidential election: ridiculous 118: Abortion: murder 117: MySpace: useless 116: Reality TV: depends on the show 115: Parents: not really sure how to answer this 114: Back stabbers: dump them 113: Ebay: sneaky 112: Facebook: another necessary evil 111: Work: the most necessary of the greatest evil 110: My Neighbors: enigmas 109: Gas Prices: too high 108: Designer Clothes: why? 

107: College: not for everyone 106: Sports: baseball is the best 105: My family: wild104: The future: D: [ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: my coworker hugged me yesterday 102: Last time you ate: got shish tawook earlier 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: havent really seen anyone 100: Cried in front of someone: i dont do that 99: Went to a movie theater: couple weeks ago 98: Took a vacation: went to see stell and danger 97: Swam in a pool: a looong time ago 96: Changed a diaper: longer ago 95: Got my nails done: never have 94: Went to a wedding: probably a cousin? so also a long time ago 93: Broke a bone: never 92: Got a peircing: ears 8 years ago 91: Broke the law: i do not do that either !90: Texted: stell just now [ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: @identityconstellations88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: solitude 87: The last movie I saw: far from the madding crowd 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: seeing danger 85: The thing im not looking forward to: work on monday 84: People call me: boring 83: The most difficult thing to do is: exist 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: nothing 80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom 79: First time you had a crush: high school 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: i can hide from anyone ;) 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: usually do 76: Right now I am talking to: stell 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: uhhhhhhh74: I have/will get a job: hopefully never again, but thats not my luck 73: Tomorrow: bible study! 72: Today: shish tawook 71: Next Summer: who knows 70: Next Weekend: sleep 69: I have these pets: obi, walker, punky, daisy, loki, and lady 68: The worst sound in the world: nails on a chalkboard 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: no one 66: People that make you happy:my friends 65: Last time I cried: idek 64: My friends are: amazing 63: My computer is: dependable 62: My School: over and done with 61: My Car: adorable 60: I lose all respect for people who: give up their pets , especially for petty reasons 59: The movie I cried at was: oh goodness i dont know 58: Your hair color is: red 57: TV shows you watch: so many 56: Favorite web site: i dont think i like any of them 55: Your dream vacation: paris 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium 52: My room is: purple 51: My favorite celebrity is: oh goodness i have no idea . tom hiddleston probably 50: Where would you like to be: ireland 49: Do you want children: yes48: Ever been in love: no 47: Who’s your best friend: stell 46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: being with cats 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: any of my friends 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: no 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no 41: Have you pre-named your children: no 40: Last person I got mad at: my boss 39: I would like to move to: ireland 38: I wish I was a professional: nothing. i dont want to be a professional anything. i hate working for other people. they suck. every single one. [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: reeses pieces36: Vehicle: corrola 35: President: RAND PAUL 202034: State visited: hawaii 33: Cellphone provider: they all suck 32: Athlete: jason kipnis 31: Actor: tom hiddleston 30: Actress: sandra bullock 29: Singer: lea salonga 28: Band: needtobreathe27: Clothing store: walmart 26: Grocery store: walmart 25: TV show: the office 24: Movie: so many 23: Website: already asked 22: Animal: cats 21: Theme park: not really a theme park fan 20: Holiday: reformation day 19: Sport to watch: baseball! 18: Sport to play: bowling 17: Magazine: none 16: Book: madman 15: Day of the week: friday 14: Beach: the one in jersey stell and i went to last year 13: Concert attended: tobymac and brandon heath together 12: Thing to cook: snickerdoodles 11: Food: shish tawook 10: Restaurant: idek 9: Radio station: majic 105.7

8: Yankee candle scent: cinnamon 7: Perfume: honeysuckle 6: Flower: roses 5: Color: pink 4: Talk show host: regis philban XD 3: Comedian: probably john mulaney 2: Dog breed: pitbull 1: Did you answer all these truthfully?  yiss 

thanks dan

[buddy-tuesday]

It's been awhile, but ive been feeling pretty garbage lately. I told S almost a month ago that it would be best if she and I took a break from our friendship.

It's been a year and a half, but learning that she has a boyfriend now sent me spiralling, as if things JUST ended between us. And it wasnt even a relationship.

I think it's hard because we never got to treat it like a relationship. There was so much affection, but it felt like this big secret almost. And now, she's posting pics with this guy, and posting lovey dovey tweets about him, and im just like, heartbroken. There's a way I feel about her that I'm not going to say here, nor will I tell anyone, but ive felt it for a really long time now.

Anyway, I want to move on. I want to have her in my life and be friends and be happy for her and her relationship, but I'm SO jealous. Not just because of how I feel about her I don't think, but I'm incredibly lonely. I have so many friends, but nobody that really wants to date me, and be in love with me, and call me their favorite person ever.

And that sucks. I have so many people in my life that consider me among their best friends, if not their absolute best friend. I have no shortage of people to hang out with. People who will be there for me when I'm down, or need to talk. Hell, im sure if I asked, a good amount of em would cuddle up with me and tell me it's all gonna be okay. But I don't want that from any of them.

Is that selfish? This longing to have more, and be the most important person in someone's life? I was called superficial yesterday. Not as a joke or an insult, but as a matter of fact. And I know it's true. I feel like I'm asking for too much. Part of me is like "Don't settle for less than what you want", but another part of me is like "Your wants are unrealistic". Which is it?

S helped me get through so much after my breakup with M. She made me feel like I was worth being with. That I'm a decent guy that a gorgeous woman could want. But i tied all of my self worth to her wanting me, and now that she doesnt, that self worth is gone. I dont know what to do. Ive always gotten over a woman by being with another. And now, a year and a half later, i havent grown, because i dont have someone getting me to grow. I feel like a mess of a person who cant function alone, but can't be satisfied without someone that i feel like fits everything I want.

I have so much more I want to say, but this post is already long enough. Anyway, I'm sad, and lonely, and I can't see that really changing for a long time. If I didn't have so many people that want me in their lives... I don't know.

Dropping everyone from my life and moving across the country feels like a better idea every day.

[lex921]

9years ago. Almost 10? WOW. Where does the time go? In all seriousness, its incredible how time flys. I'm going to try to put in all I want to say but man theres so muuch I have to say I dont think I would be able to fit it all on one post honestly.

You've taught me so many things, shown me alot, shared alot, grown alot, lost alot but regained some. You've put up with all my kooky antics, thoughts, beliefs and still have stood by me. I've seen the negative dynamics of our relationship/ marriage but I've seen the positive. I know not to glorify a person because we all have crap we need to work on but we tolerate and carry the weight of the other when needed. In general Relationships are scary, exhausting, untrusting really, stressful, uncertain. I don't trust people, like at all. (-100%) Shoot I dont even trust my own damn self and some people may be reading this and may think differently, but those are just my experiences. People are in your life for a season not for a reason. You, have been here for a reason. Theres alot to learn from you, not just life or life skills but life lessons. You're such a HUGE and intergrdaed part of my life the only one really that's stuck around and that's been a for sure stay for so long. I've dragged you through the mud, the desert, the national fucking forest, and all around the damn world and you've still held on. I dont know if I should be impressed or disappointed. Contradicting, but you've been one of the the only and most stable relationships I've had. Being with you since I was 18. I am forever grateful. I love you so much, I care about you soo much as a person. My love, you are an incredible soul. I'm sorry I dented and totaled you throughout these years. You're so undeserving of that. I've had to heal, and try to work on my own inner childhood trauma. You've gone from an extremely black and white logical person to loosening up a little bit. Which I love and appreciate and at the same time you've taught me discipline and that you need to be serious. I'm a bag of mixed emotions and we are completely opposites( me being emotional and dreamy and you being so logical and a bit cold) but with such amazing chemistry that we've had. I'm sorry I've been lost in my own world and trying to figure my own shit out and we've hurt each other relentlessly but were still here surviving. Call it stupid or whatever but know that you're an incredible human being. I hope that you continue to grow. I'm sorry I've been shut off for awhile. Thank you for being so patient and for pulling weight while I've been incredibly unstable as you have. We watch each other grow and fall all the time but that's why were here for one another to help get one another back up again. Besides giving myself that healing love thank you for letting me give you some of that affection. September 21st is your anniversary date, mine is October 3rd when I said yes. I dont mind going with yours, you are the first person to really truly make me feel loving emotions and what it is to be a bonnie and clyde duo. To make me feel what love Is supposed to feel like.( in my own terms) Especially What a mother fucking orgasm feels like without having to use a fucking vibrator because before you no one could actually turn me on and make me aroused to be quiet frank. You definitely awakened my senses in a way. I grew up with you. Being so young. That's why I would always choose you. No one else was capable to give me that. Plus I made the cliche move of tattooing our initials and date on the back of my shoulder. Even if we are not together in later years I definitely won't regret it and i havent till this day. Heres to 9 years of ups downs lefts rights and all the fucking way around wherever the heck we were going LMFAOO. I love you so fucking much and always will. I dont know how were still standing but man I appreciate that we still are. Let's see where this life takes us individually or together. Id love to make you a father and see how you raise our kids. You'd be incredible. While I'm over here trying to read into he psychology how to properly navigate on how to raise a child so that they dont have so much of trauma growing up and hopefully they will learn the tools to navigate through life as they grow older. Happy 9 years papi te amo mucho 😘😘😘😘😘

[viridescent-lament]

someone paying an absurd amkunt of attention to my recent rbs may have noticed all the art i rbed is tagged with inspo and favorites. and that is because. i can look at so many things i love in all this art. and look at my art and realize i cant even begin to mimic that. i cant compare. 

im going to back up because theres a bit more i think. just a dump of things that have affected? my mood

a few days ago. i look at my face. i see bumps. i am very concerned (im supposed have a clear face because thats one of the few consistent compliments on my face thats the one measurable thing that i liked about it -)

i do a mask or two (a rare event, and a different maskni havent used before) it doesnt gok away. but while im looking. i realize i dont hate my face (at the time). i recognize several things that arent bad and some that are neutral. from this point on ive cokntinued to do an apricot scrub but those bumps remain (they were there befoe school but i suspect wearing a mask all day has worsened it.)

i work on an art piece for a few days. i am not happy wiuth it but it doesnt look bad.i post it before school.

now that im finihed with that piece i need something to do during school. i crochet. made a coaster in one bus ride to school, another between classwork, and most of one during a mostly free period, which was completed on the bus. (to be fair. its 5 rounds and described as quick to work up)

the first i give to my teacher before school. she is nice about it. notably, i offered it to a teacher i had last year first, who mentions she still has a doily i  gave to her last year, and she thinks of me when she sees it.

i gave the second to my art teacher. he is very nice about it, which is not unusual but always makes me :D

also during art. i work on a pinch pot and recieved positive feedback relating to it beijng a square and alsl me adding orbs to the corners. notably. i placed the pot on my friends desk and said something along the lines of 'i crave [feedback/attention]' (dont remember exact wording)

i try to finish the last coaster in last period to give to my teacher but fail. i do give it to my friend while we're in the bus and she has a very sweet reaction (involving gasping and compoiments and i noticed her staring at it for awhile after)

sometime after that on the bus ride i think about how nice positive feedback is and vaguely wish my friend from last year who always had an extreme good reaction to gifts and kind acts was still here.

the art has not had any feedback beyond the requester/my friend (who is the requester). thats not too bad but i dont rb it to main bcs i want to post the speedpaint first.

i start working on getting the speedpaint up. i need a song. i ask my sisters while we r outside about songs i can use. the twins are alsok planning 'celebration days' for mema. we end up singing and they stol and say my voice is good. a bit more singing and me being embarrassed and sinking to the floor with my hands covering my face at one point. i have been convinced to join them in singing a song for mema.

at this point i was excited. i am critical of my voice and have not sung much since third grade choir (i auditioned the next year but did not make it, which was discouraging for a small child).

next day. another apricot scrub to maybe get those bumps off. excited messing around with twins in morning. printing out pictures of myself at emmas request. and printing song lyrics. mema is mowing outside. i begin to practice. i doknt hate it. i stop and drink water. i try to memoripe lyrics, although i donot get ti the end. considering posting my singing on blog. twins go swimming. i take a small break. post speedpaint. 

twins come inside w kai. they are all in a bad mood. i try to start again, slightly nervous/embarrassed to sing in front of people. 'im a little pitchy' 'yeah you are' - kai. kais always like that but. emma also says its not good. notably emma is never like that. i dont really care cuz its obvious shes in a bad mood even without avas reassurance. 

ava convinces me tok play tea party. kai clinks spoon against ceramic cup and it hurts my ears. i tell her to stop and she does. kai tells me to go off my tablet. i cokntinue with the internal justification 'its overwhelming to focus on them only (not exact words)'. ear still hurts from cup clinking. small snarking between kai and i. twins and kais voice eventually becoming more and more irritating. i leave tea party.

later twins trying to get my attention and i answer aggressively and they say nevermind. internally i amthinkung that this isnt even overstimulation/bad noise (cant remember word for that) just me being annoyed at them for no reason. 

speedpaint has recieved no attention. i shoukdnt care but am slightly disappointed. i try going through open tabs to rrb things. all the art is amazing. i tag everything as inspo and favorites, because its all amazing. i keep noticing littke techniques that each piece does. two handle lineart color differnces better than i did on that request. one has a sketchiness to the lines that adds to it. one has beautiful flowers that i could never get. i think about improving. i dont know how. i cant figure out how to learn. and other self depreciation.

that self depreciation continues with my singing. i cant do it. im not good at singing. i cant memorize the words. etc. mema is out of the house and i try practicing again. i cant get myself to sing. i eventually tell twins i cant do it. 

throughout this. i try to listen to music. watch videos. something to blockbout the noise and get the right noise. nothing works. currently settled on a song that almost does it.

theres alot of internal emotion that i dont know how to describe. 

logically i know myart didnt get nktes bcs it was posted while my friends were offline. and art not getting notes is one thing thatas nkt even a major part of this. but.

i am disgusted by my face right now. i doknt know whats wrong with it. i dont know whats wrong with my body.

ive been thinking about cutting my hair. i like how it looks now. and have recieved a random compliment from somebody i dont know at school. who said i could really pull it off. but. i want to experiment. ill probably come back to this style. but i want to try some stuff.

[chickenfetus]

all moongan

thank you for asking falen tbh i love u sm and i love doing these 

omg is this ask for this ask meme i literally almost posted this along with the wrong ask fml

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

more cereal than mik because.. i dont eat cereal with milk……… i love the crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

as someone who lives in a tropical country is that what its called idk we dont have seasons and it never gets lower than 25 degrees so yes that would be ideal

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

hrmmmmm… i just remember the page number?? or try to lmao if i dont remember i just skim through the pages and try to recognise where i left off

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

with at least 2 packets of sugar tbh…. i dont drink coffee

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

omg story time i went 2 get my braces removed and the dentist wanted to take pics so he was like “smile with your teeth!” and i was like ok! but then he kept saying i wasnt doing it right lmao… guess whos never smiled b4… (me) so he told me 2 practice my smile lol i didnt answer the qn but ya,,, i am probably

6: do you keep plants?

i used 2 be very against plants… now theyre okay i guess i dont rly keep any

7: do you name your plants?

refer 2 6

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

art??? i havent drawn in awhile

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

no LOL

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

on my side!!!! i cant sleep on my back bc i gotta hug smth.. and my stomach is out of the qn

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

🅱️… and .. same brainwaves…. poor mans ____…. this is all from the shady hq im so sorry my other pals

12: what’s your favorite planet?

the moon for no real reason

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

hMMm, watching astro and mx perform??? and just being shady with bell lmao

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

this… question,,,..so im thinking of a bright place with white walls and translucent curtains so the light call fill the (living) room perfectly and everythings really ??? sunny and shit idk its warm… the floor’s made of (fake?) wood and theres a small kitchen bc i cant cook and idk if my friend would be able to lol.. theres 2 bed rooms both are painfully small but it works.. theres one other room with a closet for clothes… the bathroom is just a shower, sink and toilet… theres no washing machine rip and ?? thats about it poor mens life

i watchd the like we used mv again and i realized ...... that is literally where i got this imagery from thanks the rose i love a relatable band

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

heres a fact (?) from me first: it rains diamonds on one planet ?? mecury maybe?? mars??? whomst.. this isnt even a fact its ,me trying to recall shit

ok real fact: There are thousands of other planets out there. sorry lads this website doesnt wanna have fun

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

is spaghetti bolognese a pasta dish

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

im chill with my current hair colour??? bc its brown sometimes idk shitty hair

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

i asked my irl friends (group name: panic support group) and this is what they said

K: everything

E: when u were one hour late (i dont remember this happening but i do know im always late but never for an hour past me wyd)

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

goDD i dont but i sure want to

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

this is strange but every eye colour is my favourite although ppl with two or more colours in their eyes are so cool

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

its just my school bag lmao i got it 4 years ago and i take it everywhere even if the event is “small” and they ask us to bring “smaller bags” ill bring my big ass school bag anyway it looks like this (i dont have to but linking stuff is so fun)

22: are you a morning person?

technically.???its the holidays but i still manage to get up before 10 (most of the time) and … even if i have like 5 hours of sleep i manage to feel awake really easily????

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

tf i just use my phone lmao this is what ive been doing for like a month now… i could watch every vlive i havent watched yet, i could make video compilations i could practice my art but… even though im out of school im still procrastinating.. legends only

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

mmmm falens the closest to that

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

my classroom

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

white converse??  i have 2 get new ones every like 2 years since theyre also my school shoes and break easily….. other than those i have my blueblack converse too (i dont wear them as much so theyre still in one piece)

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i dont eat bubblegum bc im always afraid ill swallow it and die and im p sure its illegal here

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset but i dont look outside enough for either

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

hm……… with jen its when she sends me asks on anon despite it being super obvious like im not a Fan when my friends send me asks on anon bc sometimes i cant tell and i get a sense of false hope but w/ jen its okay but i know its her

with bell its when they reply to my keyboard smashes with their own keyboard smashes lmao and when they just??//?? say smth cute abt their faves (lately its been sanha thank u sh)

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

ya lmao when i have 2 sleep alone and its completely dark i have half a mind 2 believe some random supernatural being is out for me

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

hmM. socks are great i always wear them bc i wear shoes almost every time i go outside… i dont have any weird socks bc im Boring but i have 3 pkmn songs and 1 gudetama socks/.. bUT I DID buy my friend those socks with individual toe pockets… it was so funny when my other friend saw it she choked on her drink and almost spat it out. we laughed so hard we hit our heads against each other i love friendship.. i have 2 wear white socks for sch bc… aesthetic? god if i know lmao….. i only ever wear ankle socks bc….. socks any higher than that? cancelled.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

listen ive never stayed up later than like 1am ok maybe 2am??? but i was working on like a project that was due the next day for school with my groupmates (friends) so does that count lmao

33: what’s your fave pastry?

bread………. sugar donuts…….. i am Aware that thats not how u spell it but wtv

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

why does this ask so many qns in 1 qn……. i had a cat?? it had pink stripes and it didnt have a name bc i dont name my stuff… even my pokemon.. and yeah i still have it except its in a big dusty bag where all my other toys are kept

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i kinda have to use stationary for school so ya.. p often is correct… pretty pens??? i dont rly see the point whoopS!!! in exams u can only use black or blue so

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

im listening 2 day6 so like day6

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

my room isnt even my room i just go there to sleep .. the place im always at is like a study area except its open?? so everyone can see me lol and . its not messy?? if u look at it from far but the shit on the desk and shelves are so fucking messy god i need to pack those

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

aLRIGHT LADS welcome 2 megans ted talk

(skip this if ur not fond of drama)

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics... i SURE hope not... idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

another thing... jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm and i did go off tangent with the question as usual lol

39: what color do you wear the most?

i wear a lot of colours tbh??? but bc its rly hot out ive just been wearing the same shirt every time i leave the house and its black so

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

i dont wear jewelry rip

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

challenger deep

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

hm,, ive only ever visited this coffee shop like more than once bc the girl i used 2 like showed it to me b4 like 2 years ago and it was nice i liked their mocha frappe and its cozy i guess??? sometimes i go there with friends to study/just eat but i havent gone in awhile.., its two stories and it has an open air sitting area too i prefer sitting inside bc the sun is a big no thanks.. the ceiling is kind of like?? going downward?? like the kind iin attics???? idk man it was nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

u cant see shit here sorry

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

cant relate

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

yea?? sometimes i just gotta bc my brain wont shut the fuck up

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

suddenly all of the puns i know have left my mind thanks @ me

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegetables

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

the dark and whats basically in it???? like ghosts zombies and shit u kno the scary shit

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i like buying albums?? theres a CD in those so it counts lmao i bought sunrise by day6

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

boxes??? like containers????

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

boxy and letting go by day6

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

YOU KNOW I HAD TO DO IT TO THEM and oh worm

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

me: rocky.. ?????? from astro.. /?? no ive never heard of any of those and i saw the word horror so u wont hear abt those from me any time soon

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

i literally havent been outside for 2 days

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

be petty aka yesterday i changed my twitter icon from jae 2 brian bc jae’s being a child rn so hes out

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

when they ramble abt smth they like thanksk buds

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

is this the song from p!atd i have it in my playlist lmao oh i fucing hate this song i always skip it im not listening

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

idk what either of those are but bell and boxy

59: what’s your favorite myth?

idk any

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

anything that eunwoo has ever written

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

ive given eggs for karissa’s birthday b4 and i got a kermit its not stupid tho its just the closest thign i could think of

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

i drink water juice everyday every minute every hour

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

my books are all in shelves lads i just  heard the fucking keys rattle im not doing this shit im logging off night

ok day 3 and im back like i said previously my books are on shelves i tried rearranging them by series b4 but my housekeeper rearrnaged them randomly the next day so i gave up

i make playlists for songs that i like, really like (i still skip them sometimes rip) and songs that my friend recommends me i have a seperate playlist for the songs i like in japanese 2

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

light blue?? like its actually p white bc its cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

m not rly

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

just. leaves maybe??

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

Horror Movie

68: what’s winter like where you live?

oh winter is fucking fantastic it never gets colder than 25 degrees celsius here and if it does rain it lasts for like 10 minutes

69: what are your favorite board games?

i used to rly like snake and ladders and monopoly :-o

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

im not ready for that kinda death

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

english breakfast or earl gray??? those r like the standard right

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

ya but i never do bc i either forget to or am just 2 lazy

73: what are some of your worst habits?

being lazy + procrastinating :-D

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

okie :-o ..

they’re great ok ive talked abt them like 10 times in the span of 2 months but whatever folks

they’re super nice, kind and just all of the positive adjectives out there in the dictionary ...... they’ve helped me multiple times and they’re always there 2 lend me a listening ear (or in our case, eye lmao) idk??? im just super comfortable around them always and im honestly so thankful we became mutuals (and subsequently friends) last year!!!! i cant say a lot bc ill just get v repetitive but overall they’re an awesome friend and im glad we still communicate daily via twitter and sometimes our skype sessions even if they’re kinda awkward bc i never know when 2 talk bc im scared ill speak and theyll say smth and itll turn into a MESS which actually happened lmao  

im looking forward to the day our skype sessions become super smooth and easy going!!!

75: tell us about your pets!

i have none but id die for boxys cats

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

well yeah always tbh but its not smth i have to do but more like want to do im just 2 lazy to get around doing it

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

?? i almost said lemons arent pink but i Remembered...... yellow lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

i feel like this is an Attack? okay LISTEN so story time again.

on the flight back from japan i watched the alien covenant and i couldnt even get past the scene where the baby alien was gonna kill the poor guy who ended up being locked up with the infected dude as soon as i saw the blood and the alien emerge from the guy’s back i bolted lmao

so to calm myself down nd block that memory from my mind i went ahead and watched despicable me 3.. which HONESTLY im the worst critic ever but in my humble opinion.... the movie was good????????? idk i didnt watch minions the movie though i got lazy again whooopS!

anwyay i sidetracked but im neutral im not a fan but i wouldnt go out of my way to call minions annoying?? bc they really arent? i feel like its only seen that way bc of how people make posts abt how annoying minions are even tho.. they arent??

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

my memory hates me so every specific thing my friends have ever done for me has left my mind but .

the cutest thing? everything my friends do for me

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theyre yellow and no i didnt theyve been there ever since i could remember

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

lava cake

82: are/were you good in school?

yeah i was good in school for like the first three years and this year i just flopped so badly lmao and its my important year too oh well my exams r over and i still dont have a backup plan in mind

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

all of dance gavin dance’s albums have awesome art

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

back when i was really into 5sos i thought of getting a tally since that was their logo at that time but now no not really unless i decide to get lance’s face tattooed onto my forehead on impulse

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

im keeping up with hq, bnha and tg manga!!!!

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

idk what those r but sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

big hero 6

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

who wrote this whats up with these questions

i googled and.. not really?? they all look nice

89: are you close to your parents?

close enough to stand being in the same room as them but not close enough to want to initiate conversations

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

tokyo was really cool (literally) and if i ever go again id love to go with friends so we can explore more??

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

japan was supposed to be the only plan for this year but my grandad passed away so i had to go to malaysia multiple times earlier this year ik this wasnt the qn but ive already went to the planned destination tm so

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

BARELY SPRINKLES A PINCH im anti cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

um. like?? i tie the sides of my hair that cover my face back??? bc i dont like hair in my face

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

bell

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

hopefully something useful

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i also click remind me tomorrow lmao

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

infp-t, capricorn, hufflepuff (same as falen nd jen yay)

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

uh ive never been hiking and i dont plan on it sorry body

99: list some five (or id never shut up) songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

currently......

when you love someone - day6

like we used to - the rose

crazy sexy cool - astro

death of a strawberry - dance gavin dance

if it means a lot to you - a day to remember

idk if these actually “resonate to my soul” they just sound nice

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

oh worm.. i wouldnt miind either???

i know i have 2 choose but like

if i go back into the past i could be less annoying?? but the past has actually helped me be the way i am today and i think im learning to be a better person?? im definitely way better than how i was previously 5 years ago and im just grateful i was able to learn from my mistakes???

so i wouldnt go back to the past.

if its in the future i can see how ill end up and if its not good i might end up being able to change myself so i dont get my “bad end”..???? maybe or i can just see what happens in the future and i can look forward to it

itll also give me a chnace to have the most fun while i can if its not too nice

so my decision is to go to the future

thank you so much for asking falen god this got so long lmao

[enaasteria]

Answered Asks // 2

Under the cut~~~

Anonymous said to enaasteria: April 15th 2017, 9:14:00 pm · 6 months ago Ok, don't answer to this because I will not see it anyway. I was @jamlesspyo and I say was because when you'll see this my blog will already be deleted, personnal reasons. So I want to tell that you are one of the most amazing writer I had the chance to read a story of. You are also the sweetest person so thank you so much. I hope that one you will have enough confidence in yourself because you deserve it so much. Love you and stay healthy

I will answer this bc you might come back and I’ll def miss you. Thank you for all your warm encouragement and help throughout my struggles and I couldn’t have asked for a better reader/friend. Miss you and wishing you all the best!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: April 20th 2017, 10:59:00 pm · 6 months ago you might not read this for awhile and when you do you don't have to reply, but i just wanted to tell you that all of your writing here is beautiful and amazing! finishing your story is so worth waiting for and i can't wait to read the ending! thank you for sharing your writing!

You might not think this after you read chapter 16. It’s a kind of flargh chapter but needed to be in there so T_____T I’m kinda nervous about it but hopes everyone enjoys and feel it was worth the wait.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: April 23rd 2017, 1:14:00 am · 5 months ago Freaking heck, you are an amazing and professional writer!!! I'm reading through Apartment 5108 now and I can't think of words even close to satisfactory enough to compliment your writing!! All the best for your writing and future endeavours! :)

Ahhhhhh you are too kind to me. Thank you so much for reading and no worries. please don’t stress over what to write or compliments because I enjoy any kind of feedback tbh. Spazz messages are the best!

@sassyunicorns2​ said to enaasteria: May 11th 2017, 8:31:00 am · 5 months ago I won't lose hope! I know you can do it, because you are an amazing writter and you always have great ideas!!! I am here in the other part of the world cheering for you! 🙌 FIGHTING!! 💪👊 P.S.: I'm sorry for the errors.

I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you so much for your continued support. It means so much to me and I’m so glad you love this story!

@whosexo​ said to enaasteria: May 11th 2017, 3:57:00 pm · 5 months ago SEND 💖 THIS 💖 TO 💖 THE 💖 FIFTEEN 💖 NICEST 💖 PEOPLE 💖 ON 💖 TUMBLR 💖 IF 💖 YOU 💖 GET 💖 5 💖 BACK 💖 YOU 💖 MUST 💖 BE 💖 PERFECT 💖 Miss you hope you're doing amazing!!

No words can amount to how much i love you too! I apologize for my year long disappearance. I’m a terrible person. UGH. But I shall blame it on work and daily stress. T___T Hope you are well too, love!

@dream-exo-fantasy said to enaasteria: May 11th 2017, 3:58:00 pm · 5 months ago SEND 💖 THIS 💖 TO 💖 THE 💖 FIFTEEN 💖 NICEST 💖 PEOPLE 💖 ON 💖 TUMBLR 💖 IF 💖 YOU 💖 GET 💖 5 💖 BACK 💖 YOU 💖 MUST 💖 BE 💖 PERFECT 💖 (A side message: I hope you're not stressing too much about writing. Take your time and stay healthy 💕)

You are the sweetest and thank you so much. 2017 was unfortunately the most stress filled year i’ve ever experienced but hopefully the latter end will treat us all better, yeah? T.T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: May 12th 2017, 1:46:00 am · 5 months ago wah yay! okay take your time! i (and many others) can't wait to see your masterpiece! 💕

Love you!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: May 20th 2017, 12:32:00 am · 5 months ago So I was wondering did ahri told sehun about what happened to her while sehun went after jiyul like she drank the juice and was taken to hospital or did sehun already knew or anyone told him bc I think you didn't mention that?..

Soi definitely told him---actually her wrath probably yelled at him and was infuriated with his poor actions. he probably got scolded by everyone tbh.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: May 29th 2017, 6:07:00 pm · 4 months ago Youre probably busy with apartment 5108 but i really hope you do come back to keepers! Chapter 1 left me on edge and im still eagerly waiting for the next part!! Much love sent your way❤️❤️❤️

I CANT WAIT FOR KEEPERS. I want to write it two ways but I might just do two endings bc I’m a sap and a total angst fest lol

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 5th 2017, 8:41:00 pm · 4 months ago enaaaaaaa i miss yoooooouuuuuuuuu ):<

I MISS YOU TOOOOOOOOOOOO

@unsungthoughts said to enaasteria: June 5th 2017, 9:19:00 pm · 4 months ago Apartment 5108. I'm beyond in love w this story! I was so into the story to the point where I could literally feel everything, the emotion esp. It is truly an amazing piece of writing. I'm new here (since yesterday and just finished 5min ago) --cont.cont.-- and yet to explore ur other stories, which I will definitely do cz I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH 💕

You make me blush! I’m so happy you enjoyed this story and I’m glad it made you feel things. I hope 16 treats you well and that you’re having a great time on tumblr! welcome, welcome. AND I LOVE YOU TOO

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 15th 2017, 11:47:00 pm · 4 months ago power through love! you got this! 👏🏽👏🏽

I was jamming to POWER as I wrote this chapter. Lord knows I needed the help. orz

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 23rd 2017, 2:25:00 pm · 3 months ago this is kinda random but Charlie puth's Attention reminds me of Red 😅

Imma go listen to this and add it to the playlist! TY ANON!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: June 24th 2017, 11:31:00 pm · 3 months ago ena, i just wish you can fathom 1/16 of the greatness you've omitted onto the exo fandom. you're writing is absolute perfection. fandom writers are just not appreciated enough! you're art is just as important than the art exo creates. you are able to create a story and a character. just think about that. a person and their life. real or not, you've created a character all of us can relate to in one way or another. i hope you keep finding joy in what you do and never lose this passion. 🌺

I remember reading this message 3 months ago and it made me want to cry. Thank you so much for your kind words and thank you for appreciating fanfiction as an art form. I think this writing is such a lost art and people don’t appreciate the time and effort going into a story. But reading this made it so worth it and thank you so much for your kindness!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 7th 2017, 7:22:00 am · 3 months ago Omg i just followed you now bcs of apartment 5108 and others too. Geez why i havent discovered you then?! Seriously for me its really hard to find fanfic that matches with my reading style gosh its pretty damn well written and you succesfully made me feel like im the character. You mess my feeling hun'. You did it. Seriously youre one of the best writer i ever known in tumblr. Im looking forward to ch 16 and others too. I hope u doing well!!!! Lots of love from your lovely reader💛

Thank you so much for your kind words! It’s such a huge compliment to see you hold my writing to such a high regard and I hope this next chapter doesn’t disappoint. I’m so glad you like it and please let me know what you think of the rest of the chaps!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 7th 2017, 12:45:00 pm · 3 months ago I've been following you for about a year now and DAMN HOW I LOVE YOU. Its been a year since you last updated Apartment 5108 but you still log in to check on your fans. Writers block is an ass but all you need is some inspiration and then you'll be firing away with the Seahri feels. or Ahrun feels. However you decide to ship them. Also Chanyeol is my fav and the fic you wrote called Two killsss meee. THANK YOU! Also, I'm Egyptian. Pretty cool knowing you have international readers eh?

I’m so sorry you’ve had to wait so long for a chapter!!! It’s so amazing how there are international people reading this and I can’t thank you enough for your kindness and also for sending me this comment but ALSO SEAHRI. LIKE THIS KILLS ME AND ITS SO CUTE AND ADORABLE.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 7th 2017, 1:56:00 pm · 3 months ago Hey Ena! Just wanted to tell you that I literally open your page every single day (its been 3 months LOL) , just to check if there's any update for apt5108, no rush but that just show how much i adore your work, i just freakin' love your story! I never felt so desperate waiting for the next chapter.. but I believe good things take a long time, and I believe your work could be one of the good things, even better the best thing!! Love, Your biggest fan💕

IM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT. I don’t know what to say other than this year has been a mess and a true struggle but I dearly wanted to write this chapter and forced myself to do it and post today. I’m so sorry if it wasn’t worth the wait but hopefully it’s a good continuation to their story T____T

@sehun---addict said to enaasteria: July 20th 2017, 10:07:00 pm · 3 months ago Personally i would rather wait until you finish the story and post it in one go bcs waiting game for each chap is pure torture . Much love♡

I wish I could’ve posted it all but 16 nearly killed me to just finish so I hope this is a good chapter to hold you off until 17 T___T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 20th 2017, 10:14:00 pm · 3 months ago In reference to your tag in the previous ask- I think posting the chapters as you finish them would be preferable for me. That way I wouldn't have to wait as long for another update? But I'm wondering if writing it all and posting it generally at one point would be easier on you, so that it could kind of be one and done. Either way, I appreciate you taking the time to write this story! You are so incredibly talented and I find it so kind that you take time out of your day to write.

16 is going up soon. I hope you enjoy it and I’m so sorry for the wait. Thank you for your patience and I hope you read with low expectations because I’m a bit nervous about this chapter. It’s excruciatingly long T.T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 20th 2017, 11:46:00 pm · 3 months ago please post 16 when it's finished! that way we can have a new chapter at a time to enjoy!

It’s going up!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: July 23rd 2017, 4:47:00 am · 2 months ago I know I'm late but about the end of appartment 5018 I'm really curious about Polaris. Will it be build ? Will it be insignifiant ? I really like it so yeah that's what I'm most curious about :)

This will be addressed in 17! :D

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 2nd 2017, 9:53:00 pm · 2 months ago same anon who recommended moondust~~ i have another one for you ena ^^ it's the house we never built by gabrielle alpine <3 best of luck on the story!

Imma check this out after I answer these messages and add it to my playlist! Thank you so much!

@yoruu-gen said to enaasteria: August 21st 2017, 1:01:00 pm · a month ago Happy Fanfic Writers Appreciation Day to my most favorite fanfic author in existence ❤ Apt 5108 is by far the best thing I've read on this website and I look forward to continue stalking your Google Docs 👀 I'm so thankful that you pulled me out of the writer's block abyss and I hope I won't disappoint in the future lol. Thanks for always being such a great friend and for always dying with me about our biases 😅 Love u lots~~

YOUUUUUU. I LOVE YOU. I also thank you so much for helping me with this chapter. You are such an inspiration and I know you feel like you’re not that great of a writer but honestly---you are one of the two I really, truly, look up to on this platform. I always enjoy your words, your stories, YOUR STRUGGLES with your biases but also so thankful for your friendship. 

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 26th 2017, 9:36:00 am · a month ago Red is my favorite fic and it impacted me so much in a way i can only be thankful. Getting away of a one-side love relationship was really a big choice i should have made before but it's really scary to do so. Reading Red helped me aknowledge what i was doing to myself after denying it for too long and i finally decided to take care of myself for once. So i'm thankful because your amazing way of using words helped me realize i should do what's better for me and no one else. Take care of yourself

Red is honestly one of my favorites too. It was so easy to write (compared to apt) hahaha and although Sehun wasn’t a good character in it, I enjoyed the progression of how real the characters were? Like---this happens in real life and not all things end happily with rainbows and butterflies. It is a struggle to see a person go through something like this but it’s also a testament to their character and their willpower to walk away from it and say when they’ve had enough. I hope you’re doing well, anon.

[stl29tide]

i havent been online since that ugly announcement what has panaroma done since then? :/

After the backlash, the CEO made another comment about how much she loves Skam, but then said even though Henrik won’t be taking on gay roles, with their help he’ll be able to play any role he wants, such as a soldier, a police officer, a prince, a loving family man, etc.

It was just super cringe-y because the way it was worded made it sound like a man couldn’t be those things and gay too. People started calling her out again and Henrik’s mom posted a message to Kosegruppa DK with something along the lines of “Do you honestly think Henrik would sign with somebody who’s a homophobe?” and the agency took a screen shot of it, the CEO took a screen shot of it and uploaded it to their Instagram pages, like ‘See!!!’

Another actress with the agency made a blog about how she’s bisexual and she’s not offended, so other people shouldn’t be either and how this was a decision Henrik made and people need to realize that he has to play other roles, and they’re all completely ignoring what the actual problem is and why people were offended. I mean….every single comment reiterates that it has nothing to do with Henrik wanting to play characters that are different from Even and for some reason they’re all just ignoring that. She basically went on about how Lene (the CEO) is the nicest person ever and she’s not homophobic and she works super hard to secure her clients roles on Game of Thrones and Stranger Things (and I can’t even believe I’m typing this to be honest, lol), but Henrik liked her post. The CEO still also refuses to come out and just say “I’m sorry I phrased this badly and people were hurt by my words. That’s not what I believe, nor is it reflective of the agency or Henrik.” Had that happened three days ago this wouldn’t have blown up to what it’s become and now multiple people are starting to look bad.

Everyone in the comments section that I’ve seen have been really polite about it for the most part and have explained over and over again what the problem is and how it continues to be handled super poorly, but they’re just not listening. I can’t decide if they’re all really that obtuse or if it’s an ego thing? I mean I genuinely don’t understand it. When you have person after person (not to mention journalists writing media articles about it….literally spelling out the problem for you), you should listen to them. You shouldn’t continue to willfully ignore it. It’s become so ridiculous. At this stage I don’t know if she’s just stupid/insensitive or if she’s trying to alienate some LGBT fans on purpose to further distance Henrik from Even.

Oh, I almost forgot. Mia, the actress with the blog, also made a comment about how Lene mentioned that he wouldn’t be accepting roles where the character was mentally ill either, but they didn’t write about that in the article. Then she said she’s sure people would’ve been upset about that too.

They just….all need to get off the internet for awhile. All of them. No more stupid comments, no more whatever version of “damage control” this is, no more ‘likes’, no more glossing over what people are trying to tell them. Unless they’re actually willing to acknowledge the problem (which they seem dead set against for some reason), they should just stay silent and let this die down.

[simpleguitarguy]

July 18, 2020

3:30AM

Hiding things.

I started off my character to be this guy who everyone can rely on and was a one call away person. That whenever im called i'd always say yes.

But I learnt alot past that phase. I became this ignorant selfish fool who would just want his feelings to be acknowledged and treated well. then I ended the phase.

Back in january there were things that I did hide from people especially my girlfriend and I wouldnt want to come back to this topic as I was in the wrong even if I didnt really have bad intentions.

After that, I would remind myself to just be true and immediately tell or rather be open on my status and what I think about, and who do I talk to, and what I am planning , what am I doing.

So I stepped up to be that man who people could ask and give honest opinions and answers without hiding it.

but, After awhile in this realization that i've made and adjustments I do and the passion to commit that my heart wants.

its recently unappreciated based on what I hear and see.

Even though I did my own improvement.

Even if I tried to be more trustworthy.

I guess people and my girlfriend thinks I am still the same person as before.

The same person who was years ago.

as if I never grew.

as if I never lived.

it sticks to my mind that I am being barraged by the information about my previous mistakes that I gave effort to learn and Honestly, right now.

without even being mad.

I can die , not because of anyone. but if I die it is a favor for myself.

I am not a perfect person. Even someone who is aware of solutions can be broken because of a negative force.

as those people who took their own lives would say. They tried their best. They were far away from the ones who they want to help and cant take the ones who are near that can help but doesnt really notice.

I can say I am still Hiding.

I am hiding this thought that one day people would see it and say I am sorry dale.

I lived for 23 years wanting to be appreciated and right now I dont talk to anyone.

I dont have a Mother who wants to care about me. All she does is live her own life and wait for us to be far from her. All I can feel is that I am still alone in a house that has people.

All I can do is try even harder and try and try and eventually (I hope) I won't have to go.

still, I posted this because its just me.

I havent been listening to music.

it pains me even more when I hear the words that my dying heart would want to hear.

And if my girlfriend sees this, I hope you would always have a great day and I dont want you to blame yourself.

It's just that in these situations we have this choice to be helpful and sacrifice our own burden for another or just leave.

and this time I was alone, but I still do appreciate your efforts and I am always sorry for being faulty and inconsistent and basically a failure.

I am hoping that after I write this letter.

I would still have the chance to see the moon lying anywhere and just staring in the night sky.

and I hope you could join me.

so this is my thought for today.