#anyway! lovely piece. everyone involved did a GREAT job.

[shesmore-shoebill]

okay, okay, yes, me and my wife. but also this is a deeply clever and horrifying premise. like "i live in your house" and it becomes true. because he lives in your head, and he is living there. He is in your house even if he isn't.

and you spend the whole time thinking- if its in her head, it will get better once someone else is there- her wife, a loved one who has been expressing concern for her wellbeing.

And then she arrives, and invites him in. And it ends with "do you hear that" and an unbothered "yes".

HORRIFYING. well shot, well written, well composed, well acted.

[ariisheresstuff]

My Eyes Are Up Here!

Pairings: Bakugou x fem!reader (aged up)

Summary: You and Bakugou were at a Pro Hero Gala, and seeing you in a certain dress just does something to Bakugou

Genre: SMUT! MINORS DNI‼️

Warnings: You and Bakugou fucking in a coat room, kissing, cursing, dirty talk, just everything you could think of involving smut

MasterList

A/N: My requests are open! <3

“Babe! Are ya ready?” Bakugou called out to you from the living room as he placed on his coat, you two were just about to leave for a Pro Hero Met Gala that happens every so often. Katsuki really hates them, but you encourage him that these events can get his name out there. “Yeah! One sec!” You quickly touched up your dark lipstick before fluffing out your hair one last time, you quickly grabbed your purse before walking down the stairs. Katsuki heard your heels clicking down the stairs making him turn around, “Fucking finally, taking all the fucking- holy fucking shit.” He stopped his sentence midway admiring you from an angle, you had on a very tight long maroon dress. There was a slit by your left leg, your hair was in a big puffy bun with loose strands of hair coming down on the sides. “Like my dress I’m assuming?” You teased at him as you walked down the previous stairs, “Hell fucking yeah.” You giggled as you walked over to him placing your hands on his chest, you looked up at his crimson dark eyes. You played with his tie as you sighed, “Could say the same about you Kats.” Bakugou smirked at you as his hands roamed every piece of your body making you sigh softly, “You always look so fucking good for me baby, fucking hell.” He moved your head to the side to attack your neck, you moaned softly as you wrapped your arms around his neck. You whimpered when you felt him bit down on your collarbone, “K-katsuki, stop we have to get going.” You pushed him away as he whined, “I mean we could always just not go.” He said with a grin as he went to attack your neck again but only for you to push him back lightly, “Kats, i did my hair and makeup. Were going.” Katsuki sucked his teeth before grabbing your hand as you two walked out the house, “Just know I’m finishing the job later princess.” He said in your ear before lightly biting your lobe.

Once you two arrived at the event, there were paparazzi everywhere. “DynaMight!” “Y/N! DynaMight! Over Here!” “Love the dress Y/N!” “DynaMight! Who are you wearing!” A bunch of them swarming with questions, Katsuki gave them all scowls. You two were on the red carpet as multiple paparazzi took pictures of you two, some solo but mostly you two together. Katsuki pulled you into his chest as you placed a hand on his torso leaning into him. Flashing lights blinding you from every angle, until you two decided you were done with pictures for the night. You two quickly met up with the rest of your old classmates. Kirishima quickly noticing you guys and making his way to you. “Bakugou! Y/N! Nice to finally see you joining us.” Kirishima dabbed up Bakugou as he gave you a hug with a back rub, “Hey kiri! How’s everything?” You asked him with a smile, he returned a sharp smile back at you, “Been great! Never better, how about you two?” “Same old, same old.” You joked around “Kacchan still being the grumpy old Kacchan.” Kaminari’s voice came from behind Kirishima, you smiled at him. Katsuki gave him the finger, “Shut your ass up Sparky.” You gave Katsuki a frown, “So disrespectful.” You said with a bit of tease making everyone else laugh, “Keep testing me woman.” You gave him a smirk making him grin at you, “Anyways, where’s the rest of the gang?” You asked Kiri who then pointed to a table where everyone else sat, you nodded before grabbing Bakugou’s hand and dragging him to greet your other friend’s.

After a few hours of drinks and talking, the ceremony was gonna start in about 25 minutes. Usually about awards or about the high top chart of hero’s. You were talking Momo about something when you felt a hand grab your wrist pulling you out of your seat. You yelped as you turned to see who it was, only to find your boyfriend who had that shit eating grin. “Momo! I’m so sorry I’ll be with you in a minute.” “No worries Y/N.” Momo waved you off with a smile, your turned to face Katsuki. “Kats! What the hell are taking me?” “You’ll fucking see baby.” You sighed knowing what was gonna happen, he quickly pulled you into a room filled with everyone’s coats. It was a really nice room that was meant for coats, before you could even process what was happening Bakugou pushed you into the wall. You gasped lightly at the sudden movement. “Katsuki! You were really are gonna do this right here?” “What the fuck do you think?” You rolled your eyes as he started to pulled the top of dress down to reveal your lacy bra, “W-what if we get caught or something?” You moaned lightly as he started to kiss your cheek and kissing down your neck, “We’re fine Y/N, just let me fucking touch you.” You moaned a bit loudly this time as he started to cup your tits through your bra, he then un-clipped it behind you with one hand. You moaned at the contact, you shivered at the cold air hitting your sensitive nipples. They immediately hardened in his touch making him darkly chuckle, “Fuck baby, these fucking tits.” He bent down to latch his mouth onto a nipple, circling his warm tongue over the bud. You placed your head back on the wall, whimpering and moaning. “I-oh fuck, katsuki.” You placed a hand in his hair scratching his scalp making him groan, you immediately cupped his face to bring him back to face you. You crashed your lips on his making him moan lightly, he cupped your neck as he shoved his tongue into your mouth making you moan lightly. You both pulled away for air but not for your lips to stop touching, your cheeks felt like a wave of heat.

“God, i can’t get enough of you Y/N.” His hands wandered down to your lower region as he picked up the bottom of your dress, he groaned seeing your thong. “Shit, I bet your already dripping for me aren’t you princess?” He said in your ear making you shiver at his hot breath, “Katsu, please!” “Please what baby?” You felt his finger tips slowly rubbing circles over your clothed clit, “T-touch me.” “Touch you where? Use your big girl words.” You groaned at him teasing, getting frustrated. “My pussy! P-please Baby, rub my pussy till I’m numb!” He smirked before rubbing off your thong making you gasp “Good girl.” He dug his fingers into your sex making you jump at the contact of his thick fingers entering you. “Oh! Fuck! Katsu!” “I know baby, feels so good hm?” You nodded into his neck as you wrapped your arms and legs around him gripping onto him for dear life. “Jesus, could you feel you squeezing my fingers baby. You close?” You whimpered out an answer making him coo at you, “Aw, my poor baby wants to come on daddy’s fingers hm?” “Yes! Yes! Please daddy!” “Go ahead baby, make a fucking mess on my fingers you slut.” You shivered as you felt a gush of white hitting you, you could see stars as your orgasm hit you like a bus. Katsuki held you as you shivered and jolted at the intense pleasure, “Fuck baby, making a mess everywhere.” He took his soaked fingers out of your pussy, a glistening clear substance dribbling down his fingers. He slowly placed his fingers in his mouth sucking off your sweet nectar. You moaned as you watched him, “Taste so sweet like always baby.” He cupped your face as he placed his lips on you, you could taste yourself on his tongue. “Taste yourself princess?” You nodded with a whine, “W-want your cock.” “Tch, so demanding.” He unbuttoned his jeans before sliding them down, he placed his hands in his boxers freeing his member. His cock jumped out slapping his stomach, you eyes widened. He chuckled “I know baby, so big.” You whined as you wrapped your arms around his neck to bring him closer to you, he lined himself up to your core. He looked into your eyes softly. “Ready?” You nodded as he immediately shoved his cock into you, you had to burry your head into his shoulder to moan. “O-oh fuck, Jesus- baby.” Katsuki moaned as he thrusted into your pussy, the room filled with skin slapping and echoing in the room. “Katsuki! So big!” “I know princess, m-my big cock destroying your insides.” “I love you K-Kats!” Tears ran down your face in pleasure as you felt that similar burning in the pit of stomach like earlier, he thrusted more harder into you. “Fuck! I’m cumming baby, i love you more.” His thrust became sloppy as your body twitched, “Oh f-fuck baby!” You squealed as your toes scrunched up in pleasure, you moaned and whimpered. Your body jolted more than last time as you came on his twitching cock, you felt his cock twitch more. “Oh fuck! I’m cumming! S-shit!” His hips stuttered as a heavy dump of warm cum filled you up full, he rested his head by your neck as he you both panted like you both ran a 5 mile run. He jolted as he finished, you closed your eyes. You both jumped when you heard an announcement discussing that that ceremony is starting in ten minutes, “Just in the nic of time.” Katsuki gave you a smirk as you ran your fingers through his sweaty hair, you laughed softly. “Can’t have them waiting big guy.” You both quickly started to freshen up, you looked into the mirror by the door to fix your makeup and hair. Katsuki fixed his tie and jacket, you turned to face him. “What?” You chuckle as you rubbed away the lipstick stain on his jaw, “Can’t be suspicious.” He chuckle lightly before grabbing your hand and quickly making it back to your seats.

You two quickly met up with your classmates, “I’m guessing you two had a fun time.” Sero teased at you two making the rest of the boys laugh and cackle, “The fuck you talking about Tape Boy?” “Might wanna check your necks lovebirds.” Denki teased at you making your eyes go wide, Katsuki looked away with a growl. You two flushed pink, “W-we um I- “Just shut your mouths.” Katsuki demanded them as they continued to snicker at you two. You looked up at Katsuki with a shy smile, he huffed before grabbing your hand to go sit back down. “Let’s just get this shit over with already.”

Tag-List: @ebiharachan @otomefan @amis-love-bugs @slasherstories123 @writeslikedream

[shrinkthisviolet]

5 + headcanon au - what if Larry Butz hadn't been forgotten/flanderized by the writers and instead was in all three games in the Original Trilogy (and maybe even beyond?)

This got a little away from me 😅 under the cut:

Phoenix isn’t the only one struggling with Edgeworth’s disappearance/faked death, Larry is too. It’s easy to forget, but Larry was Edgeworth’s best friend too, they cared about each other! Larry would be extra pissed because of the toll it’s taking on Phoenix—when they see Edgeworth again, it’s Larry who takes the first swing, surprising pretty much everyone. It’s one of the few times Larry loses his temper…and Edgeworth is surprisingly contrite because of it (he wasn’t contrite enough in 2-4 for my taste, and tbh I think being yelled at by Larry of all people would shock anyone into being apologetic)

Larry is pretty intuitive when he wants to be. While Phoenix dismisses Ini as airheaded, Larry would realize there’s something else underneath that (he knows what it’s like to be underestimated intellectually…and how someone might use that to hide something). He probably wouldn’t figure it all out, but Phoenix would still remember Larry’s words at a crucial point when he’s putting the pieces together about Ini and Mimi

On that note, I’m also intrigued as to his dynamic with Engarde—by all respects, Engarde’s front is very similar to how AA1 Larry acts. That could make for some very interesting situations when the two are forced to interact. Maybe Larry befriends him and is heartbroken to learn that Engarde was just faking. Maybe he was a Nickel Samurai fan too, extra sting (he and Maya would also bond over that because iirc she was a Nickel Samurai fan too. Idk if Edgeworth was). Maybe Engarde makes some jabs at Larry, and Phoenix furiously defends Larry’s honor, and it doesn’t feel like “oh great, I have to defend Larry again”, but rather, “how dare this guy insult my friend”—because yeah, I think Phoenix and Larry would’ve gotten closer and really bonded by this point. They were already besties, but Larry’s also showing how smart/intuitive he is lately

Larry would be able to help in the search for Maya! Granted, Shelly de Killer could still easily give them the slip, but it’s one more person, and Larry being involved would ease Phoenix’s nerves even more. Larry might be clumsy and awkward, but he cares fiercely about the people he loves, and lately, he’s been showing just how sharp he really is

Larry leaves post-AA2, much like Maya did post-AA1. This is because he got an internship with the mysterious Elise Deauxnim, and he really wants to take it, as much as he also wants to stay and help. Phoenix, Maya, and even Gumshoe and Edgeworth, convince him to go. Now that Edgeworth’s back, Larry feels better about leaving

AA3 would still happen the same, but uh. Without Larry in 3-2 at the KB Security job. Just make a new character for that one. He reappears in 3-5, he’s on the path to becoming an artist. He takes the “apprentice name” of Laurice Deauxnim because it makes him sound smart (Phoenix insists Larry doesn’t need that, but Larry just shrugs. Deep down, though, he’s touched). I think 3-5 would play out…mostly the same? Minus…all of the weird flirting. Seriously, writers, what was up with the weird flirting?? (Speaking of which, he did that in AA1 too. At some point in this rewrite, he’d apologize to Maya for that. But anyway, moving on)

He’d be such an amazing uncle to Trucy! And unlike Maya and Edgeworth, he lives pretty steadily in Japanifornia, so he drops by often. Trucy calls him “Uncle Larry” and he dotes on her (in between trying to convince Phoenix to get his badge back, which is a losing conversation, but Larry has to try. Seeing Phoenix like this is killing him—what happened to his overly hopeful best friend who now won’t even take Maya and Edgeworth’s calls?)

He and Kristoph can’t stand each other. Larry doesn’t trust him, and Kristoph doesn’t like him (Larry doesn’t like him either, but he especially doesn’t trust him). Kristoph reminds him of an old girlfriend—patronizing, rude, more interested in correcting his manners and appearing kind than actually being so

He grates on Apollo at first, when they meet, but he’s also the most forthcoming, which Apollo appreciates. He tells Apollo everything he can—Phoenix swore Larry to secrecy about his plan, and Larry relays that apologetically to Apollo with a wince. He doesn’t like all this secrecy, especially doesn’t like how Phoenix is treating Apollo so dismissively, but…hey, Larry’s loyal before anything else, and Phoenix is still his best friend

He might like Klavier, the showmanship performer type seems up his alley. Plus, they’re both artists, just different kinds. Much like with Ini, Larry would recognize that Klavier’s hiding some very deep vulnerability in there…and he’d feel for the kid when his best friend, Daryan, is found guilty of smuggling and of coercing a boy to go along with his plan. Pairing that with Klavier’s brother being Kristoph (who has, at this point, been arrested for Zak’s murder)…yeah Larry’s pretty sure the kid’s nearing his breaking point

He’s not super clear on the tech know-how of the MASON system, but hey, anything to put Kristoph away for good—that fake ace was a lucky bluff, but there’s always a chance of it being overturned. Phoenix being crafty is kinda unsettling to Larry…but with Kristoph arrested, the effect on Phoenix is clear—he’s committed to retaking the bar, he smiles more, he’s more hopeful

Larry…doesn’t want to think about what Phoenix’s improved mental state means about how Kristoph was affecting Phoenix, but he has his theories (listen, he’s been in his fair share of relationships, okay? So if he’s more insistent on Phoenix going to therapy and even drives him to his sessions and prays that he’s talking about Kristoph with those therapists, if he slips Phoenix some resources about recovering from an abusive relationship…sue him, he can pick up on things and he’s worried)

Skipping ahead to SOJ: he’d play co-counsel for Apollo with Trucy’s case, and he’s kinda pissed at the other guy for throwing veiled insults at his niece. Who does this foreign peacock think he is exactly? Larry’s got half a mind to give him a piece of his mind, but Apollo just gives him that exhausted “please, Larry, don’t cause a scene” look that Phoenix always got, and…yeah, okay. Maybe when Trucy’s free (Nahyuta receives a surprisingly detailed portrait of himself with devil horns speaking the words “I hate children and I’m no fun”, which he never finds out the meaning of)

(And ofc also in SOJ, he’s not a weird flirty creep in the bonus case. SERIOUSLY writers WHY)

Not totally sure how he’d fit into DD, but I’m sure there are ways

I…did not expect to get so invested in this omg 😅 can someone write this fic??

send me an au and i’ll share 5+ headcanons about it!

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

ive been spending way too much time on terf blogs the past few days and this thing i saw has been living in my head rent free like

(Image description: @/fakeboitherottengirl writes, "You learn to chase gender like you learn to chase any other drug. You chase gender euphoria like an anorexic chasing her skeleton. The next piece of clothing, the next haircut, the next injection, the next operation, THATS the thing you need to be happy. After this next binder or HRT or boob job or dress or tube of makeup your body will finally feel "right". And by the time you've eliminated all the things that could be "wrong", when no hair is left out of place and and you "pass" you realize you are still yourself with all the same pain you've been running from getting closer every day. And suddenly there's nowhere left to run. Your hair can't get any shorter. Your chin can't get any smoother. No shade of lipstick fills the void it once promised to. Capitalism lied to you and is actively profiting off of your gender dysphoria/euphoria. Dysphoric people deserve better than the capitalist "solution" of transition." End image description.)

There's so much wrong with this where do I start. (Soooo tempted to just throw out the whole suitcase but I think there's maybe half a thought in there worth keeping. So here goes)

All of the procedures you've listed above are things cis people do as well. Buy makeup and have boob jobs and get laser hair removal, buy gender-affirming (or gender nonconformity-affirming) clothing and jewellery. Yet somehow it's only bad when trans people do it? Capitalism leaves hollow voids of suffering in all of us. How we fill it is each of our own choice, and all of the things mentioned above are morally neutral. Including drug addiction and even eating disorders, because we believe in a thing called bodily autonomy. heard of it?

The capitalist solution of transitioning: Okay yes lots of trans people spend money on transitioning. A lot of cis people also spend money on gender-affirming clothes, accessories and surgeries. Capitalism has a solution for everything. It's true. BUT: not everyone's transition involves a lot of money, and most trans people are poor af. We cut our own (or each others) hair, get clothes from free clothes swaps and use other forms of mutual aid. Changing your name and pronouns is free! And yes we have to exist under capitalism, great observation sherlock. anything else?

And what, exactly, is a better solution for dysphoric people? Since you acknowledge they exist. Is it to live with their pain forever? I mean, you radfemmy types take enormous pride in suffering and make suffering the very core of your ideology so I can't say I'm surprised. Tell Me, has your suffering enlightened you? Do you know things no one else does? Did you find the light. And why am I reminded of tradcath imagery where you have to suffer to make up for being born, until you die... is this the kind of imagery you strive to invoke? Is your suffering the yoke you toil under forever, to make up for the wrongness in your soul and the void in your heart. Do we all need to find Jesus? Tell Me? (or please maybe just help us dismantle capitalism. yes it wants to sell you solutions to problems that didn't exist until capitalism told you you had them!! yes it hurts everyone!! we agree on this!!)

tldr suffering is great and if you embrace it you won't have to participate in capitalism anymore. but it's fine to participate in capitalism actually, as long as you're being nice and cis about it i guess. womanhood is only suffering and manhood is only violence and there is no room for genuine joy in the human experience. this is what you're telling me yes? okay. cool. okay

anyway I've found so much love and peace from being trans, not really from changing my body (which I BARELY have and still don't really know if I will) but from being part of loving, accepting, truly radical communities. Going from being othered to being part of the othereds. Community is the true value of the queers. Probably you radfems would agree about your own!! You love your communities and want to keep them safe!! See, us too. And we don't have to fight each other to keep ourselves safe. In fact fighting makes all of us less safe! None of us want that.

Anyway it's so difficult to have nuanced (or any) conversations about these things and i appreciate you taking the time to read this. and as much as I understand that my "why can't we all get along uwu 🥺" thing is naive and idealistic, I would much prefer to be naive, idealistic and hopeful, than full of distress and fear and despair at the state of the world - and the state of feminist, body neutral and autonomy affirming activism. (A despair we share, I assure you! Being hopeful anyway is an active choice.)

Hope is hard. It is! I have a lot of practice cultivating mine and it still doesn't come easy. The first step is believing you can have hope, and that things can get better. The next step is to find out what you, personally, can do to actively make things better for people around you. Start hyper-local, log off from the internet for a lil while, consult older activists around you. Millions of people doing tiny things will add up to bigger changes, and you have to believe change is possible. You have to. Otherwise you will get too content in your own misery and stop growing as a person and stop actually making the world better.

"You have to act as if it were possible to radically transform the world. And you have to do it all the time." ― Angela Davis

Anyway, one thing that doesn't help is trying to take away people's bodily autonomy. Whether that's restricting access to abortion, or access to transition, or access to cosmetic surgery, or ability to do sex work, or kink. Just cus you personally think any/all of these are oppressive and evil, doesn't mean you get to make choices for other people on how to live their lives.

Bodily autonomy.

If you're against abortions, don't get one.

If you're against transition, don't get one.

If you're against kink, don't do it.

Some people don't get a choice, such as victims of sex trafficking or Hershel Walker's mistresses when he arranges their abortions. But that doesn't mean you should take the choice away from everyone.

[lynxindisguise]

Snippet from Ch. 2 of my Slytherin! Sirius x Bad Boy! Remus AU. Read the rest on ao3

Blacks do not care about ‘goodness.’ They care about greatness, excellence, superiority.

Sirius doesn’t find himself waiting in a hidden corner of the library out of the goodness of his heart. He doesn’t care if Lupin—who is now seven minutes late—passes his classes. He doesn’t even care about winning McGonagall’s approval. (Okay, he cares a little about that, but that’s not why doing this.)

No, Sirius is simply seeking something, anything, to relieve his excruciating boredom. Plus, Lupin is going to hate this, and he's hoping to extract a bit of joy from that.

But when the gangly delinquent finally arrives—now twelve minutes late—he looks more sheepish than anything. Sheepish and exhausted, that is, the most recent full moon having clearly taken its toll. Everything about him is rumpled, from his tawny hair to his ill-fitting uniform to his sallow skin. He reminds Sirius of a crumpled piece of parchment.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, sinking into his chair. “Fell asleep after Charms.”

Sirius is suddenly assailed by the image of Lupin passed out atop a tangle of blankets, and he imagines tucking him in and smoothing his hair and—

He clears his throat. “Shall we get on with this, then?”

Lupin nods blearily. “My worst subjects are Transfiguration and Herbology, so if we could start with those—”

“We’re actually going to start with the basics,” Sirius cuts in, tone jarringly crisp in contrast with Lupin’s soft mumble.

“Sorry?”

“Spellcasting 101. Your grip is too loose, your posture is atrocious, and your pronunciation is shit. How you’ve gotten this far is beyond me.” (There’s a compliment in there, somewhere, if you squint.)

Lupin sits up, affronted. “I—my pronunciation is fine! Just because I don’t sound like the bloody queen—”

“This isn’t going to work if you’re going to get defensive—”

“You just insulted me! That’s not how you teach.”

“What do you know about teaching?”

“I know it doesn’t involve insulting your students.”

Sirius would argue that insults have fuelled his learning since he was a child, but he’s at least partially aware how fucked up that is, so he just huffs a sigh. “Would you like my help or not?”

“Doesn’t matter anyway,” Lupin mutters, shoulders curling forward. “I can get O’s on everything, and I’ll still never be able to hold down a proper job. Not for long.”

Sirius’s lips part helplessly. It should be a relief—Lupin acknowledging what he’s been too polite to say. But hearing it aloud just makes his chest ache. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs finally. “That’s shit.”

Lupin looks up, eyes round with surprise. “I… yeah. It is. Thanks.”

“For what?”

He looks back down, picking at his nails. “Just for… No one ever… I love James and Pete, but they always try to convince me everything will be okay. They don’t get it, especially James. He thinks everyone is like him.”

“… A massive twat?”

“Open-minded,” Lupin corrects, stifling a grin. “He wasn’t trying to embarrass you in Hogsmeade, you know. He really does just have a thing about taking in strays.”

“I’m not a stray,” he snaps, the picture of poise and not at all reminiscent of a cagey rescue dog.

“Sirius—”

He flinches at the sound of his name.

Even his ‘friends,’ usually called him Black. That’s where his value lay—in his identity as the Black heir. Regulus called him Siri before he called him nothing at all. And his parents… He was always ‘son’ to Orion, and ‘darling’ to Walburga, and when they did use his name, it was a hiss, a threat, the slice of a dagger across a sheet of ice.

It’s different coming from Lupin’s lips, something foreign and soft and achingly tender.

“Didn’t think anyone would ever accept me for what I was,” he pivots, sensing Sirius’s discomfort. “Did everything I could to push them away, but then they figured it out, and…” He smiles to himself, a gentle, fleeting thing that briefly softens all his harsh angles. “And I still hate it when they fuss over me, and half the time I’m convinced they’ll eventually get sick of my shit and leave… But I don’t think I’d make it alone. And I’m an introvert.”

It should make him cringe, such cliché, sentimental drivel. It does make him cringe, to the point of creating a burning sensation in his nose and behind his eyes…

“Stop trying to distract me, Lupin,” he sniffs. “We’re still fixing your grip.”

[whatyourusherthinks]

Columbo Season 3

Oh thank god Season 3 is WAAAY BETTER than Season 2. I'm not gonna lie I thought this was gonna be a one hit wonder show. Y'know, one of those shows are like really good for the first season and everyone says the show is great because they only watch that first season over and over because when they get to the second season they realize the rest of the series wasn't as good as they remember so they stop watching the show and then forget about the whole thing and get the itch to rewatch the show after telling people it's the best show ever and the whole cycle repeats itself in a never ending loop until that person eventually grows old and their memory completely declines as their symptoms of Alzheimer's went completely unnoticed by their friends and loved ones because they were distracted by the show-watcher's insistence on how excellent the show is and eventually that person needs to get put into a home where they slowly wither away in a pastel Americana prison and pass away disconnected from their families. Well Columbo is not like that show at all.

I actually like Season 3 more than Season 1. Unfortunately those stupid cold opens from the last season return, but it feels like whoever made them learned from their mistakes as don't show anything significant from the episode. Also, I just think the plots of this season were just better. Well, you'll see what I mean when we get into it.

Episode 1 'Lovely But Lethal'

This episode is pretty good. It's got Vincent Price as a waspy make-up CEO, so yeah. I am always surprised when I see Vincent Price in something I like, even though he's pretty much known for doing shows and movies I liked. He adds class. Martin Sheen is also the victim. But honestly the best part of this episode is that I learned a lot about make up in this episode. I never realized you have to physically put on those beauty marks. Watch Columbo try to explain why he knows so much about make up made me chuckle darkly, but we'll talk about that in a later section.

Episode 2 'Any Old Port in a Storm'

This is my favorite episode of the season, simply because I really like the relationship Columbo has with the killer. I also really like how the guy got caught, I even predicted it. Won't say anymore those, watch this episode.

Episode 3 'Candidate for Crime'

In this episode, Columbo takes down a corrupt candidate for senator. I dunno, watching corrupt politicians get taken down specifically tickles me. One of my favorite episodes of Leverage (which is a show I'd be more than happy to review if people are interested) is the episode where they infiltrate Congress to stop a CEO of a cheerleading company.

Episode 4 'Double Exposure'

The episode has the coolest trap I've seen Columbo set for the killer. I also really like that the final piece of evidence that proves Columbo's theory is something that Columbo didn't know was part of the equation until it turns up at the very end. Really though, whenever Columbo and the killer come to and unspoken understanding that they both know the murderer did it but that Columbo has no proof are really entertaining.

Episode 5 'Publish or Perish'

I'm thinking a secret trick to knowing a great Columbo episode is if the writing industry is involved, because just like 'Murder By the Book' this episode is really good. Another trick might be the killer trying to set up a frame job too. Anyway, this episode is great and I'm not gonna say anything else.

Episode 6 'Mind over Mayhem'

This episode the killer uses a robot to cover for his alibi, and it still isn't the most absurd thing the show has done. I actually like that Columbo just full on lies at the end and almost arrests the wrong suspect on purpose to trick the killer into confessing (Whoops that was a spoiler my bad), it's sleezy and totally corrupt but it also really worked.

Episode 7 'Swan Song'

This episode has Johnny Cash playing a pedophile. He's also an airplane pilot, which is funny if you know about the man in real life. This episode is the weakest of the Season, and might be the weakest overall, despite having Mr. Cash guest star. There is a lot of filler. Some of it makes sense, if you have Johnny Cash you should have him sing. But there's like a five minute sequence of Columbo getting a sales pitch from a funeral director. Also they are really inconsistent with Cash's character and they try to go for a sappy ending where he admits he was going to confess at some point and Columbo knows that because he's a good singer? Yeah it's kinda stupid.

Episode 8 'A Friend in Deed'

If Columbo was a more serialized show, I could see the killer of this episode being a reoccurring villain or his nemesis or something. But as it stands this episode is pretty cool. I started thinking what if there was a Columbo villain where the Lieutenant's usual bag of tricks wouldn't work, and this episode is kind of that. I really like the way Columbo catches the bad guy in this episode as well, it's another great trick and I didn't even see the final twist of the episode coming.

Summation

I should probably start changing the title of these final sections to "Ranking" since this is what these are going to become. But anyway, just like last time I'm going to make the new episodes red to help you know which episodes were just added to the list.

Suitable for Framing

Any Old Port in a Storm

Murder By the Book

Publish or Perish

Double Shock

A Stitch in Crime

Double Exposure

Mind over Mayhem

A Friend in Deed

Candidate for Crime

Dagger of the Mind

The Most Crucial Game

Short Fuse

Blueprint for Murder

Prescription: Murder

Most Dangerous Match

The Greenhouse Jungle

Ransom for a Dead Man

Lovely But Lethal

Dead Weight

Etude in Black

Death Lends a Hand

Lady in Waiting

Swan Song

Requiem for a Falling Star

Oh... uh... since I have you here I was just wondering if you could hear out a theory of mine. What I was wondering

Is Columbo Gay?

Season 3 showed some promising clues for my little theory here. Some is just circumstantial, like Columbo knowing about make up, but my big piece of evidence is this: In 'A Friend in Deed', Columbo sets a trap for the murderer in an apartment he bought to do that. And he puts pictures of his "brother-in-law" and his nieces. But not his wife and his kids. Yeah, apparently Columbo has kids too. Admittedly that fact is does contradict my theory, since gay people definitely would be able to adopt at the time. Eh, let's just break even for now and move on to the next season.

[just-jordie-things]

Bite Me - Mike Wheeler

word count: 4052 warnings: swearing, unedited and poorly written summary: Mike has harbored a crush on (y/n) since the day they met.  And all it takes is a run-in with Billy Hargrove for him to lose his shit and let his feelings be known. (a/n): I just randomly felt the need to write for one of my best boys

___

(y/n) (y/l/n) was a sweet girl. If you asked anyone they’d tell you how kind she is, to everyone she meets.  From giving out homework answers when someone forgot, to sharing her lunch, she’d lend a hand no matter who you were.  She was a good person, and that’s why Mike was so in love with her.

He had been ever since she’d joined the Party, back in the fourth grade.  She’d been bringing in an extra juice box and snack for two weeks, just for Will, and the four boys agreed unanimously to offer her a spot in their group.  Mike can still remember the look on her face, the wide grin that showed off her recently lost tooth, and the way she’d giggled and agreed instantly.

They taught her D&D, she was invited into Will’s fort, and taken in by Joyce as one of her own.  She was truly one of them.

She didn’t look at him like everyone else did, it’s one of the first things he’d noticed about her, and he could see it every time their eyes met.  That annoyed expression that he was used to receiving -from peers, from his parents, even Nancy, even their friends- he’d grown so accustomed to it, until he’d met her.

“Fuck you! Fuck you!” Mike was shouting, about to lunge towards Steve, before (y/n) and Dustin grabbed his arms to yank him back.  “We can’t just stay here and-”

“That’s exactly what we’re doing!” Steve shouted back, shoving a scolding finger in the younger boy’s face.  “We’re staying here, so I can keep you dipshits safe!”

Steve rolled his eyes before spinning around to leave.  Nothing stressed him out like these kids.

“Come on, we’ll figure something else out” (y/n) said quietly, and tugged on Mike’s arm a little more.  

His glare softened when he turned to her.

She nods her head off to the side, prompting him to walk off with her.  He groaned, but he followed when she pulled him towards the living room.  Her hand didn’t let go of his wrist until they were away from everyone else.

“You know nothing you could say right now is gonna make me less pissed off-”

“I know,” (y/n) giggles before he can start ranting again.  “But maybe you can just take a breath and pretend to calm down?” She hums, and she laughs again.

Mike groans loudly, loud enough that everyone in the house could hear him, before he threw himself down onto the sofa.

(y/n) just shook her head, and sat next to him.

“Steve’s just trying to keep us safe, Mike,” She says, voice just as soft, but a bit more serious now.  “He’s not doing this to make you mad, you get that, right?”

He nods, but hangs his head in his hands.

“Are you… um… upset because El’s out there?” She asked unsurely.

She had a pretty good feeling that Mike had a crush on Eleven.  He was distraught when she left, and since she’d come back (a few hours ago) he’s been extremely on edge.  Hence the pouting right now.

“I guess,” He shrugged.  “I just- I want to just-”

“I know,” (y/n) murmurs again.  “I get it”

She admired Mike’s need to help, to get involved.  He was brave, if not a little reckless as well.  But there was something sweet about his extreme need to help.  Even though she was still convinced he was only wired this way because of his crush on Eleven.

Mike looked over to her, finding that loving look on her face.  His favorite expression -maybe even his favorite thing- and it somehow calmed him down a bit.  She smiled when he hadn’t started grumbling again.

“You good now?” She asked.

“Yeah,” He sighed.  “I’ll be fine”

She grinned, and poked his cheek affectionately before getting up from the couch.  

“I’m gonna get a glass of water and make sure Steve’s calmed down too,” She told him.  “Guess I’m the only sane one around here”

He laughed a bit as she left the room.

“Steve?” (y/n) called gently as she approached her older friend.

He turned to her, an unamused, and rather annoyed, look on his face.

“You alright?”

“I will be, once I’m in a retirement home and have restraining orders placed on all of you,” He answered, making the girl laugh.  “Your boyfriend calm down yet?” He asked, and her laughter stopped almost instantly.

Steve was chuckling now at how red her cheeks were turning.

“He’s not-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, heard it before, pretended to believe it before, whatever,” He said, and (y/n) busied herself with getting a drink.  “Now’s as good a time as any to just, you know, confess.  You’re stuck here anyways”

“No I… I can’t um…” She shakes her head, staring down at the bottle of water she’d grabbed from the fridge.  “I can’t do that” She finished weakly.

Steve had known (y/n) for a few years now.  He’d met her the first night he’d hung out with Nancy in the Wheeler home, she’d been there with Mike coming up with a new character for D&D.  His first impression, as it was for all of the kids, was that she was a geek.  And she was, but she was a lot of other things too, and what stood out the most to him was her kindness.  She didn’t exactly fit in with the Party like the boys seemed to.  Not only because she was a girl, but because she was… friendly.

Mike wasn’t cruel to Steve by any means, but he was a snarky little shit that sometimes made Steve just want to-

“Why the hell do you like that little asshole so much anyways?”

(y/n) was still blushing as she shrugged her shoulders.

He’d picked up on her little crush one of the first times she’d met him.  He called her out on it right away too, luckily only Dustin had heard, and he’d laughed it off, thinking it was a joke.

It wasn’t.

“He’s such a piece of shit,” Steve said through a laugh, earning a pointed glare from (y/n).  “Obviously he doesn’t treat you the same way he treats, well, everyone else”

“No, he doesn’t,” (y/n) sighed lovingly.  

Her eyes glanced out to the living room, where Mike and Lucas were heatedly, and quietly, arguing.  She rolled her eyes at the sight, not that it surprised her.

“He’s very, um-”

“Sweet on you?” Steve supplied, earning another look, which quickly turned into a nervous smile.  “Yeah, that’s how I’d put it.  I don’t know why you’re being such a baby about it.  He obviously has a little crush on you too,” Steve said, wagging his finger around in her face.  “Otherwise he wouldn’t be such a little gentleman towards you”

(y/n) didn’t say anything else, but she didn’t have to for Steve to know how she felt.  He’d always known.  She didn’t do a great job at hiding it, but her friends, and Mike for that matter, were oblivious.

They were interrupted by a bright light shining in through the windows, bright enough that she shielded her eyes as she wandered out to the large picture window.

“Who is that?” She asked, as everyone gathered around to figure out who could show up at the Byers’ house right now.

Their question was quickly answered.

“Sinclair!”

The angry, dangerous voice sent a shiver all the way down (y/n’s) spine, before an uneasy feeling settled in her stomach.  Billy Hargrove was bad news, but him being here, right now, was even worse.

“Stay inside” Steve ordered, shoving the kids down underneath the window.

“I know you’re in there!” Billy screamed again from outside.

“Stay inside” Steve repeated, before walking out of the house.

“What the fuck does he think he’s gonna do?” Lucas asked, as everyone peeked their heads up just enough so they could see what was going on outside.

“He’s gonna fight him” Dustin said in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

“He’ll lose,” Max mumbled.  All eyes turned to her, but her gaze was trained on her brother, afraid.  “He’ll kill him”

“He’ll be okay,” (y/n) whispered to her new friend.  “Steve’s a tough guy, and can throw a punch-”

“I’m not so sure he can take one, though” Max said.

(y/n) frowned, and set a comforting hand on the girl’s shoulder.

“We’ll be alright” She assured, even though she wasn’t certain what was going to happen.

Steve was now walking down to Billy, who was still yelling, but they couldn’t make out what exactly.

“What’s he saying?” Mike hissed, only to get shushed by Dustin, thus starting a ‘shh!’ war.

(y/n) only let it go on until Billy shoved Steve back by his shoulders.

“Boys!” She scolded, sitting up a little straighter as the fight outside escalated.

Just as she’d sat up, Mike grabbed her by the shoulder and pushed her back down.

“You want to get seen and murdered?” He whisper screamed.  She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t hide her sweet smile.  His brow furrowed at her smile, but he wasn’t quick enough to say anything about it, as everyone’s attention was pulled back to the scene outside.

Billy had shoved Steve to the ground, and was racing up to the house now.  He locked eyes with the Party, who all quickly leaned down as low to the floor as they could get.

“Lucas, run!” Max screamed, shoving the boy to haul ass before her brother could storm in and get his hands on him.

When the door swung open so hard it slammed against the wall, Mike grabbed (y/n) by both arms and just about ripped them out of their sockets as he pulled her upwards with him to get her as far fucking away from Billy as possible.

“We have to help Lucas!” She tried telling him while he dragged her off to the other side of the house.  “Mike!” She shoved his hands off of her, and gave him a pleading look.  “This isn’t like you, come on, he needs our-”

“Where are you, Sinclair!? Come on out!”

She ran away from Mike before he could convince her to hide.

Finding Lucas shoved up against the wall, something in her clicked.  Billy’s significantly larger framed towered over the boy, who was clearly afraid, while Billy snarled nasty things right in his face.

“Why don’t you just fuck off?” She yelled at him, before thinking through the consequences of her actions.

Dustin and Mike stared at her in shock.  She didn’t curse much, so to hear the foul word come out in her voice was… pretty out of character.

Just as Billy whirled around, likely about to send one knockout punch to her face, Lucas took his moment of distraction to knee him right between the legs.  (y/n) squealed, both hands covering her mouth in surprise.

It was then that she took Mike’s advice to run back into the kitchen, and duck down behind the cabinets so she was out of sight.  

“You’re fucking dead!” Billy howled in pain, and while every bone in (y/n’s) body told her to cover her ears, close her eyes, and stay hidden, she peeked around the corner anyways.

“No,” A different voice, a calm voice, a familiar voice, spoke up.

(y/n) had never been so relieved to see Steve in her whole life.

“You are” He finished, and took a strong swing of his fist against Billy’s jaw.

The crack that resonated made her wince, and she shut her eyes only for a moment as illy toppled backwards.  He didn’t fall, and instead swung back at Steve, starting a very violent fistfight in the Byers’ kitchen.

“Come on, you gotta move” A pair of arms encircled her torso and helped her up from the ground.  

Mike’s hands were much more gentle with her now than they had been a few minutes ago, and this time she let him bring her out to the living room, away from the fight.

Her eyes were wide with fear as she watched Billy throw Steve around the kitchen effortlessly.  It was terrifying, she felt as though she was about to see him get killed.

When he landed a rather harsh punch, right under Steve’s chin, she cried out for him.

Steve crumbled to the ground, definitely knocked unconscious.  He looked dead, though, and as the thought crossed her mind, she felt it again.  The snap.  Like an instinct buried deep was just let loose.

“You motherfucking piece of shit!” She screamed in a way that Mike, or any of them, had ever heard before, and was charging at Billy in an instant.

It was a hasty decision, grabbing the beautiful vase of flowers off of Joyce Byers’ table and throwing it full force at the back of Billy’s head.

While his head was soaked, and definitely bleeding from the shards of glass, he still managed to stay standing, and was fuming with anger as he glared down at (y/n).

“You made a big mistake little girl” He growled, and began to stalk towards her in a threatening manner.

“Bite me” She snarled back at him, followed by the rash decision to spit on him.

“(y/n) what the hell are you-!?”

Mike’s warning was cut off when Billy reached her, and she kicked him with all the force she could right in the gut.  He grunted, but it hardly slowed him down.  All she could see was red as she kicked him again, and began to throw her fists against his chest.

She didn’t have an ‘oh fuck’ moment until he grabbed her wrists in his large hands, and kept his hold so firm that tears welled in her eyes from the pressure.

“I’m gonna fucing kill you, little girl” He snarled, teeth bared right in her face.

Oh, fuck.

She tried to yank her body backwards, out of his grip, but he was faster, and stronger, and bigger than her.  This resulted in her being thrown, no, slammed into the nearest wall.  She cried at the crack of her skull against it, but had no time to react as Billy’s fist was all she could see, before it struck her and knocked her out instantaneously.

She fell like a limp, broken thing, and even when Mike grabbed her and shook her by her shoulders, she remained unconscious.  It didn’t matter that Billy was still looking for blood, he pulled her into his lap and held her close against his chest.  He was living a delusion thinking he could protect either of them if Billy came back for more, but he didn’t care.  He was gonna keep her safe now.

Max had plunged the syringe into her brother’s neck, and was threatening him with Steve’s bat, but Mike hardly paid them any attention.

“(y/n), wake up, come on,” His voice was barely a mumble, and he hated to admit it but his throat was growing hot and tight with his tears choking him up.  “C-come on open your eyes” He stuttered.

He pushed her hair out of her face so that it wouldn’t get sticky from the blood running out of her nose.  He wiped away the red substance with his sleeve, not bothered by it at all.

“We’re going!” Lucas called, and rushed over to Mike to help him carry her.  “Dustin Will and Max are getting Steve in the back.  I’ll help you with her”

Mike didn’t have time to question anything Lucas had just said, and hastily went along with the plan.  They looped (y/n’s) arms over both of their shoulders, and made their way out to Billy’s car. ___

Everything.

Hurt.

It was the first thing that (y/n) was aware of when she came to.  Her legs, her arms, her torso, her head-

Oh shit my head hurts.

She groaned softly, reaching a shaky hand up to prod around her eye.  She wasn’t exactly sure why, but it was definitely bruised.  The rest of her body had to have been bruised too.

She suddenly shot upward as the car went over a bump, and that’s when she realized she was even in a car.  Why was she in a car…?

Her head rolled against the seat, and she was met with someone’s shoulder against her cheek.  She winced at the pressure, probably because her cheek was bruised and bleeding.

“(y/n)?” A gentle, but distant voice called.  It sounded kind of hazy, like the person talking was miles away, and not right next to her.  “Hey, can you hear me?”

Her eyes met Mike’s round and worried brown ones, and a lazy smile tugged on the edges of her lips.  Even though his brow was furrowed, and there was a deep frown on his lips.

“What happened?” She asked, voice scratchy and quiet.

“What happened?” Mike repeated, much louder than he intended.  She flinched, and while an apologetic look swept over his face, he didn’t apologize.  “(y/n), you attacked Billy Hargrove” He told her in a grave tone.

“I did?” She asked proudly, her smile returning.

“No- don’t- jesus (y/n) what the hell are you on?” He asked.  “He almost killed you, I mean, look at you!”

“Can you please stop yelling dipshit?” Max called from the front.  “I’m trying to focus here!”

(y/n’s) eyes widened, and it dawned on her that Max was the one driving.  But just as she opened her mouth to protest being in the car right now, Mike continued on with his angry little rant.

“I mean, seriously, what the hell, (y/n/n)? Did you think you were gonna win? Did you really think that you were gonna take him down?”

Her brow crinkled and her eyes welled with tears, both from all the pain and his cruel words.

“Do you even realize that he could’ve killed you? Huh? I mean, I really thought he did for a second.  Do you even care?”

“What’s your problem right now?” The girl whimpered

“You are! You’re my problem,” He said, not thinking through the fact that she was crying right now.  “That was really stupid (y/n), really reckless”

“Oh, because you care so much about playing it safe,” She scoffed.

It was getting awkward for the others in the car, minus Steve, who was still knocked out.

“All you wanted to do tonight was to get out there- well- well here we are, Mike!” She shouted.  It hurt her head to yell, and Max was yelling again too, but she drowned it out.  “Hope you’re freakin’ happy” She mumbled, holding her hands against the side of her head.

Mike sighed, and pulled her hands away from her face, staring at her seriously.

“(y/n)...” He said softly.  “I’m sorry it’s just…” He let out one more heavy breath to prepare himself before diving in.  “Look at yourself (y/n), you’re hurt and there’s- there’s nothing I can do about it”

(y/n’s) brow furrowed as she stared back at him.

“What do you mean?” She mumbled weakly.

“I mean I- you… I have to… ugh” He groaned, clearly frustrated by his inability to form a coherent thought.

“You have to… what?” She hummed, face leaning around his shoulder tiredly.  

They were close enough that their whispers were only heard by them.  And somehow, it felt like they were the only people in the car.

“Mike?” She whispered when he hadn’t said anything yet.

His eyes flickered over her battered face.  The black eye, her split lip, her bruised and cut cheek, his heart broke looking at how much pain she must be in right now.  He couldn’t believe he let this happen.

“...protect you” He answered lamely.

“Protect me?” She repeats, soft, and loving.  “From what?”

“Apparently everything from interdimensional monsters to senior year bullies” He said, making her laugh softly.

“You don’t have to do that,” She said with a small shake of her head.  “I’m alright, I will be anyways.  You don’t have to worry so much about me-”

“See I do though- you- you make it impossible not to worry.  I’m just always- I’m a mess, okay?”

She giggled again, and rose a brow.

“I’m not following…you sound kinda crazy Mike-”

“I love you, okay?” He told her.

She choked.

“And I just need you to not get yourself hurt… okay?”

She’d never heard him speak so quietly, so nervously.

“You- you’re- um-”

“No more fighting people- and-and things- bigger than you, deal?”

His hands cupped around her face, thumb stroking over the bruise on her cheekbone in a comforting sort of way.  She swore she was melting into his touch, for a moment she forgot all about the agony her body was in.

She didn’t think twice about leaning off his shoulder so she could reach up and plant her lips against his.  It’s a gentle kiss, because her lips are sore and she was a bit nervous.  

Mike’s eyes widened, and he was sure this wasn’t real.  No, it couldn’t be real, there was no way (y/n) was kissing him.  Maybe he was the one that got knocked out? And this is all some kind of twisted nightmare-dream?

But it was real, she was kissing him.  And it was… wow it was great.

She’d almost pulled away, but he pulled her right back in, and shut his eyes to kiss her properly this time.

If he was being honest, he wanted nothing more than to just take her and pour every ounce of love he had for her into this kiss, but it would probably only hurt her more.

They were cut off by a low whistle, and (y/n) turned to see Steve, who had apparently been sat next to her this whole time, and Dustin, who was sat on his other side, both giving the pair very different looks.

Despite his face looking just as messed up as hers, Steve pulled a sly grin, and winked.

Dustin, however, looked like he might vomit.

“What.  The.  Fuck!?” His voice cracked when he screamed, making both (y/n) and Mike jump a bit in their seat.  “You guys have been- been- hooking up this whole time!?”

“What? No!” (y/n) argued back, shaking her head and trying to kill the idea in Dustin’s head before it escalated, but it seemed to be too late for that.  

“You have! You’ve been frenching!”

“Oh my god,” Mike rolled his eyes.  “Dustin, shut up”

“Can we save this argument for later, fellas?” Max hollered from the front.  “I don’t think that this is the most important thing going on-”

“W-wait a- wait a minute- wait a-!” Steve’s eyes widened as he started to panic.  “No! No way! Stop the car right now! Who let her drive-!?”

His screaming was abruptly cut off by the car swerving, causing everyone to scream now.

“Drive on the right side of the road! Jesus Christ we’re all gonna die!”

(y/n) wrapped both arms around Mike, one behind his neck and the other around his torso, keeping her secure.  In case this car were to crash, her seatbelt, and Mike, would anchor her in place.  Well, she hoped it would anyways.

He reacted quickly, embracing her tightly.

“I’ve been thinking I would get killed by a demogorgon,” She mumbled to him.  “Guess it’ll just be a plain old car crash that takes me out”  

He chuckled, but shook his head at her.

“No one’s dying, we had a deal”

She glanced up at him, a sweet smile on her lips.  And she waited for him to look back down at her to say anything.

“I love you too” She hummed, just soft enough that Dustin (luckily) couldn’t hear.

The smile that grew on Mike’s face was brighter than she’d ever seen from him before.  (y/n) was so relieved that her feelings were returned, that she felt she could go back to sleep, if she wasn’t getting nervous all over again about what was going to happen.

All they had to do now was to kill a monster and save their friends.

___

xoxo ~ jordie

[phoenixyfriend]

The Family Tree is... a Disaster

Takes place in the TCW Leverage AU. It does contain a few deviations, namely that the narrative ended up shifting Plo's role in Ahsoka's life, and Ventress's role overall.

This is mostly just dialogue where I outline the fuckery that is the disaster lineage family tree, not actual fic. It stemmed from my incessant need to justify "25yo Obi-Wan somehow got custody of 9yo Anakin without Shmi dying."

Warnings for: canon character death (modernized), canon violence (modernized), and references to Nazis and white supremacists (Palpatine collects WWII weaponry as a parallel to his canon display of Sith artifacts in his office as chancellor, and Ahsoka thinks it's sketchy)

----

"Okay," Cody says, setting down a glass of whiskey as he drops into the seat across the table. "What the hell is your family tree like?"

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow, and continues cleaning off the definitely-not-stolen crystal komodo dragon he'd won in today's job. "I beg your pardon?"

"You and Skywalker," Cody says, gesturing between Obi-Wan, who is just sitting there minding his own business, and Anakin, who is across the closed-for-tonight bar and doing something inadvisable on the pool table. "You've said he was your brother, and mentioned raising him, which, sure, I'm over twenty years older than my youngest brother, people take over parenting roles all the time. But you have different last names, have mentioned stepfamilies that the other doesn't have, reference things as 'your aunt, not mine,' and I am just getting... very confused. I figured it was personal and I could leave well enough alone, but considering your older brother almost shot us today--"

"Okay, Xanatos is not my brother," Obi-Wan immediately says. "Just. I just have to stop you right there. Xanatos was a student of my father's for a time, but I promise he's not family. Nobody except maybe Komari would consider him even close, and she doesn't count since she's in prison for life and the farthest thing from stable."

Cody gestures. "That, Obi-Wan. That's what I'm talking about. I don't even know who Komari is."

Obi-Wan purses his lips in a failed attempt to not smile. "Do you actually want the explanation? It's long and unnecessarily complicated."

"So's mine," Cody snorts. Obi-Wan waits, patient and pleasant, and is rewarded when Cody sighs. "Please."

"Of course, my dear. To answer your first question, though, Anakin is my half-brother." With a smile, Obi-Wan digs a piece of paper and a pen from his briefcase. "So, center of the chain: me, my father Qui-Gon, my grandfather Yan, and my great-grandfather Yoda. With me so far?"

"Easy enough. Do you have to go back that far?"

"Great-grandfather Yoda is still alive and regularly escaping the old folks' home to terrorize younger relatives, so yes," Obi-Wan says. "Given that you may just meet a tiny, meddling relative of mine when he's bored, we do in fact have to go back that far."

"...how old is he?"

"We don't know for sure. A hundred and eight-ish is the best guess." Obi-Wan shrugs. "It's not a huge deal, mostly he likes bothering Anakin these days. Anyway, grandfather. Yan Dooku. Inherited a minory duchy from his maternal grandfather decades back. Mostly hangs around there because he's on terrorist watchlists in the States."

"Oh, lovely."

Obi-Wan grins. "Trust me, it gets worse. Anyway, grandfather never actually married, but spent most of his time with his 'best friend' Sifo Dyas, who died about a decade back."

"Gay?"

"Well, we know that now, but they got together in the seventies, and this was back when they were both working government jobs, so, you know. It happens."

"Good to know," Cody says. "So, Yoda's kid is Yan, who inherited a title and land from a maternal relative, and had a life partner but never married. With you so far."

"All of Yan's kids were adopted," Obi-Wan continues, sketching out the first branch away from the Yan/Sifo partnership. "Rael was actually grandfather's cousin, maternally, and ended up in his custody after getting orphaned at five. These days, he does most of the stewardship duties at the Serenno Duchy. His daughter Nim is teaching military history at a university in Germany."

Cody nods. "Uncle number one is named Rael, technically your dad's cousin, has a daughter. Got it."

"About a decade after Rael, they adopted my father, Qui-Gon. He and grandfather fought, frequently, but they did care for each other. My father was a botanist, did bio-engineering. We'll get back to him later, because he's where things get complicated." Obi-Wan made sure to leave room around the name. "Just a few years older than me was--is--Komari Vosa. She is... serving a life sentence. I think she fought Jango once."

"She fought my father?"

"To the best of my knowledge, they both almost died, yes," Obi-Wan says. "She's in maximum security these days. She was an assassin. I'll get a call if she breaks out, and I'll let you know along with everyone else."

"Bad news auntie, got it."

"Last adoption, sort of, is Ventress," Obi-Wan finishes off. "A few years younger than me, is technically grandfather's personal assistant and does secretarial work and the like, but we all know he's planning to leave as much of the inheritance to her as he is to the rest of us. She's aggressive and unpleasant, but she takes care of him and hasn't actually threatened to kill any of us yet, so that's fine."

"How'd she join?" Cody asks.

"Ky Narec was a friend of Qui-Gon's; Ventress was his daughter. Ky died a few years after Qui-Gon did, and Ventress was a mess, after." Obi-Wan shrugs and scratches that connection into the little sketch of a family tree as well. "Grandfather offered her a job until she got herself back together, and then she just kind of... stuck around."

"Youngest aunt, more of a cousin." Cody summarizes. "Now we go back to your father?"

"Qui-Gon Jinn was a man of many skills," Obi-Wan says drily. "Adequate birth control was not one of them."

It's almost a pity that Cody wasn't drinking anything, because going by the way he chokes, Obi-Wan's pretty sure the spit take would have been spectacular.

"I'm sorry," Cody says. "Can you repeat that?"

"I was an accident," Obi-Wan says, not even bothering to hide his smile. "So was Anakin."

"So that sounds like... a story."

"It is," Obi-Wan confirms. "My biological mother has never been in the picture. They had a fling, she wasn't sure if she'd want to abort or give me up, just that she wasn't ready to be a parent, and Qui-Gon volunteered to take full custody so she could go back to her life after the birth. I've never met her, but I kept her family name. You can consider her irrelevant beyond that."

Cody nods.

"So, when I was about a year old, Qui-Gon reconnects with an old flame, they get married two years later. Step-mother number one is Tahl. Lovely woman, I absolutely adored her, and she had a daughter, my stepsister, Bant Eerin."

"I met her, right?" Cody asks.

"Yes, she was the doctor who patched up my bullet wound a few months ago," Obi-Wan says. "With the giant glasses that make her look a little fish-eyed."

"She was nice."

"She is," Obi-Wan agrees. "At any rate, that was our family for a while, and then Tahl died when I was fourteen. Bant wanted to go to a magnet school for medical studies, and Qui-Gon's grief was... not optimal for taking care of multiple teenagers, shall we say, so Bant moved in with her paternal uncle, Kit Fisto, and Kit's son Nahdar. He's a marine biologist, incredibly friendly, and has no idea of any of the rest of my side of the family's questionable activities. If you ever meet him, you will pretend that we are a legal firm with a team of security consultants."

Cody raises a brow. Obi-Wan despairs. "Best you could do?"

"We're not that likely to run into him." Obi-Wan draws out a new line. "So, Qui-Gon deals poorly with grief. This is also around the time that Xanatos came around to ruin our lives a little. He was a very rich and unpleasant man, but he's dead as of four hours ago, so you don't have to worry about him. Or his son."

"His son?"

"Anakin handled that," Obi-Wan says. "Thoroughly. Granta Omega is no longer an issue. He's not dead, but... well. Anakin has his ways. Er--I should probably mention Feemor; he was my father's assistant at the university for a long time. Anakin and I still call him our uncle."

"Also a person to avoid mentioning criminal activity to?" Cody prompts.

"Well... no, but only because I don't think he'd care. The man is, forgive me, more of a 'walking sweatervest' than I am. He's a very bland and unassuming man. He once described himself as the background character of the soap opera that is my family's existence."

"Sounds like a charmer."

"Oh, he's very kind and clever, and witty as well. I adore him, and he really is family. He's just also very, very normal. Not boring, but..." Obi-Wan trails off and shrugs helplessly. "He's an editor for an agricultural research journal. Also not someone I anticipate us running into."

"Noted."

"Right, so, Qui-Gon dealing poorly with his grief didn't involve much drinking, but there were a few months of him trying to... lose himself in the pleasures of the flesh?" Obi-Wan tries, and then deflates at the look on Cody's face. "He was slagging around. Shmi got pregnant with Anakin, who was born when I was sixteen. Shared custody at first, Qui-Gon got him weekends and every other holiday, that sort of thing, and then they got married because they actually did like each other well enough, and it was easier on the taxes."

"So Shmi is stepmother number two."

"Shmi is stepmother number two, yes." Obi-Wan sketches in Anakin and Shmi. "About nine and a half years after Anakin was born, Shmi and Qui-Gon were in a car accident with... well, it later turned out it wasn't an accident, there was a hitman called Maul involved, he's actually Ventress's second cousin or something, I don't know. Grandfather handled most of that problem. Qui-Gon died, Shmi was in intensive care, and I got custody of Anakin as his nearest adult relative. We weren't very close before that, because I was off at university by the time he was old enough to form memories, but that changed once he started living with me. I more or less raised him as a single parent from that point."

"This is why he jokes that you're like a father to him."

"Precisely," Obi-Wan says. "Shmi took about a year to recover enough to move again, and grandfather covered the costs. She still had to live with a dedicated carer and attend daily physical therapy. At that physical therapy, she met Cliegg Lars, whose son Owen was also a patient there. They hit it off, and three years later, they married. When Anakin refers to his stepfamily he's talking about the Lars out in Nevada."

"Nevada?"

"They have a farm. A very, very normal one. We don't drag them into our activities, unless we have an at-risk person who needs a safe house." Obi-Wan pauses, and then decides this really needs to be stressed. "This is important to me and Anakin, that we don't get them involved unless there's absolutely no other choice. Shmi's been through a lot, and the Lars are busy enough running the farm."

"Works for me," Cody says. "We've got enough safe houses that it shouldn't be an issue. I'm guessing this story doesn't end there, though."

Obi-Wan grimaces. "My own love life has been... a bit of a mess."

"I already know about Kryze, at least."

There's that. "I was temporarily engaged to a friend, Siri Tachi, shortly after high school. We were in a relationship, but this was mostly something done to appease a relative of hers that was getting overbearing to the point of absurdity, and she couldn't just cut them off. We broke off the engagement after the relative passed, and we're still friends."

He notes that down, then adds the other embarrassment of his early years. "First marriage was actually a drunken joke between myself and my best friend when we were in college. We got it annulled a few months later because we just didn't have time to drop by the courthouse before then, and he's actually engaged to Asajj now."

"Asajj?" Cody asks, watching in fascination as Obi-Wan tries to mark in both his own short marriage and the newer, long-term engagement without crossing any lines. He settles for just writing the name twice and including an asterisk with 'this is the same person.'

"Ventress," Obi-Wan clarifies. "Yeah, Quinlan's a fun guy. His little sister, Aayla, treats Anakin like a beloved younger cousin."

"Are they also off-limits for criminal activity?"

"No, Aayla's the one that taught Ahsoka how to vent-crawl," Obi-Wan says. "And I'm pretty sure Quinlan has contacts in every major government branch, criminal organization, and Fortune 500 company on the planet. I reach out to them regularly."

"Resources, then."

Obi-Wan nods. "Some time later, I married Satine. We had a son; you've met Korkie. We split due to incompatibility a year and change before Qui-Gon's death. Satine doesn't engage in criminal activity, but Bo-Katan is..."

"I've met Bo-Katan. I know what she's like, Obi. You don't have to explain."

"She works with Maul sometimes."

"...the man who killed your father?"

"Yes. It's all very stupid and convoluted." Obi-Wan still writes her in. "So, that's them. Korkie goes to boarding school, and I try not to involve him in anything. Anakin and Ahsoka like to teach him self-defense and the like, but Satine is adamant that he stay unaware of my less legal dealings until he's an adult."

Cody shrugs. "Makes sense. Is that every--wait, no, Skywalker's married."

Obi-Wan grins. "Yes, and Padme's got twins on the way."

"I was there when he told us," Cody says drily. "He was very loud about it. Okay, how does Ahsoka fit in?"

"Hold on, I forgot Beru," Obi-Wan mutters. "Owen's fiancee. Same rules as the Lars. Okay, you asked about Ahsoka. Right. So. Um."

He dithers. Cody waits for him, and then Obi-Wan just gives up. "Ahsoka, dear, would you like to explain how you joined the family, so to speak?"

Ahsoka looks up from whatever she and the boys are doing--there are multiple beer glasses and straws and duct tape involved, and Obi-Wan doesn't really want to know--and then flips off the table and over to Obi-Wan and Cody. She looks over the family tree chart, and then says, "Oooh, did you tell him about the cult?"

"You were in a cult?" Cody demands.

"No, Komari was. She was head priestess or something. I dunno, it's why she's in prison and stuff."

"I did not tell him about the cult," Obi-Wan mutters, already regretting this. "The Bando Gora aren't a problem anymore. I've already gotten to explaining how you and Anakin know each other."

Ahsoka rolls her eyes, steals his pen, and starts sketching in around Quinlan's name, over by Asajj since Obi-Wan's section is too crowded. "Okay, so, Quinlan's adopted. His dad is Tholme, and Tholme's dad is Plo Koon. Plo Koon is good friends with my Auntie, Shaak Ti, who raised me. They live next door to each other, out in the country, and I'd play in his yard a lot, because he had puppies, and he took me to visit his bees. Whenever Auntie needed a babysitter, she asked Quinlan or Aayla to do it since she knew and trusted them, and Aayla needed pocket money."

"This is so unnecessarily complicated," Cody mutters.

"It is!" Ahsoka chirps. Her grin is far too sharp. "So, this one time, Aayla was watching me when I was fourteen, and she was just helping me with my physics homework. BAM, the door slams open, and in stumbled Skyguy with his arm missing. I've never met him before, and my first introduction is him shortly after he's gotten an unplanned amputation."

Anakin, on the other side of the room, giggles. Obi-Wan just sighs. The Fett brothers appear to be in the land of 'horrified fascination.'

Ahsoka revels in it. "There's blood everywhere, I'm screaming, Aayla's panicking, Anakin's halfway to unconscious and insisting we can't call the hospital, and nobody can get Obi-Wan on the phone. Quinlan's in another country, and Auntie Shaak and Uncle Plo are at a movie, so they've both got their cellphones off. Tholme was faking his death at that point to get away from an incident with the Irish Mob, so we didn't even try him."

"What the actual fuck," Rex breathes.

Ahsoka continues with relish. "We get Bant to pick up, and she's there an hour later with Padme, because Padme knows how to drive the way Skyguy does, and the entire drive there is just Auntie Bant on speakerphone telling Aayla how to stop the bleeding and get him stabilized while Padme's screaming at traffic at the top of her lungs."

"I owe Aayla a fruit basket," Anakin muses aloud. "The anniversary of her saving my life is coming up, it's warranted."

"Five years, baby!" Ahsoka crows. She fist-pumps.

Obi-Wan just drops his head into his hands. "You're killing me, children."

Anakin shrugs, grinning. "You know, I think Fett Senior might have been involved in that fight."

"My shitty dad cut off your arm?" Rex demands.

"No, I think he was busy fighting the Interpol guy," Anakin says. "But he was definitely there. I think. Blood loss kinda got to me after a bit, but I'm pretty sure Jango Fett was there, and also Boba might've been hiding in the getaway car?"

"I need another glass," Cody mutters. He doesn't stand up, though.

"Wait," Rex says. "So who cut off your arm?"

Anakin shrugs with an unsure noise. "Someone tried to convince me it was Grandpa Yan, but he was in the middle of a court case in Italy for some kind of parole violation when it happened, so he had an alibi."

"...did he actually violate parole?" Cody asks, and Obi-Wan thinks he looks like he doesn't know if he actually wants an answer.

Ahsoka shrugs. So does Anakin. Obi-Wan carefully looks at a spot behind Cody, and doesn't explain anything about wine tastings used as covers for illicit arms deals.

"The arm?" Rex prompts, sounding a little desperate to get back to the question he likely thinks is the most important.

"I still say it was Skeevy Sheev," Ahsoka chimes in.

"It wasn't Palpatine," Anakin snaps.

"Your creepy older friend who took you to operas and gives you fancy gifts and knows way too much about swords who was conveniently there to talk to the police and cover for you so you didn't get arrested for getting in the middle of a gang war in the first place, yes," Ahsoka says, dropping into a chair and sighing dramatically. "The guy who definitely hasn't been trying to convince you for a year and change that your wife is cheating on you with your older brother."

"Ahsoka!"

"What? He is."

"Anakin," Rex says, "your life sounds like a trainwreck."

"I'm not going to assume a frail, elderly man cut my arm off!" Anakin protests. "Even if he wanted to, he doesn't exactly have the muscle for it!"

"Grandfather's older," Obi-Wan points out, even though he knows it won't help. "And he definitely still could."

"Ha!" Ahsoka shouts.

"He could have hired someone?" Cody suggests. "Doesn't need to do it himself, if he has enough money."

Obi-Wan has a sneaking suspicion that Cody is deliberately stirring the pot as revenge for Anakin sending him eighty-seven cat memes inside an hour during last night's dinner.

"You all suck," Anakin declares. "Also, what the hell do you mean 'knows way too much about swords,' Ahsoka? You know way too much about swords!"

"Yeah, but I'm like ninety-percent sure that his antiques are Prussian and mid-century German military officer dress uniform relics, and pairing that with the Nazi pistols he's got on display--"

"He's just a history buff! And his family's German, of course he prioritizes that region, it's not like he doesn't have Russian or French or English antiques in there too, it's all sides of the war and--"

"I'm just saying he's almost definitely sending me sketchy glances like he thinks I'm planning to steal the silver on the three occasions you've had me with you when you stop by, and I'm pretty sure it's got less to do with my criminal record and more to do with me being, you know, not white."

Anakin looks ready to blow, so Obi-Wan interrupts. "Ahsoka, you were explaining how Anakin passing out on Aayla and scaring us all half to death led to your friendship?"

Ahsoka blinks at him, and then sticks her tongue out at Anakin and turns back to the chart. "So basically, Skyguy had to recuperate in Uncle Plo's living room for a week or two, and I kept showing up to bother him because he was bored and nobody would give him a laptop for 'security reasons,' because he had to lay low and stuff. He made me help him sketch out designs for a prosthesis and do all the writing for the math he had to do for the 3D printer, and we got to chatting."

Ahsoka hops up and back onto a table, legs swinging below her. "I decided he was cool and started following him around while he was getting used to only having one hand, mostly because I was bored. He showed me how to hotwire a car, and explained the best places to put a bug if you were looking to make it sneaky, and he picked my pocket to show off so many times when he was walking around Uncle Plo's house that I made him teach me that, too. And, uh, then Aayla found out and they got into a shouting match about it and decided they both needed to teach me parkour so I could get out of any mess I got myself into, since I was obviously going to follow them into a life of crime."

"And you did," Anakin says, far too proudly. "You're the best thief in this half of the country."

"Only because Aayla moved out east."

Anakin rolls his eyes and pulls Ahsoka into his side, digging his knuckles into her skull. "Best thief! You are the best thief! Be proud of yourself!"

"Let go!"

"Never!"

Obi-Wan sighed heavily and rubbed at his forehead. "Children, please."

"You're not my dad," Ahsoka growls out at him. "Skyguy, I'm going to bite you!"

"Good luck, the only arm you can access is the one that's going to break your teeth."

Ahsoka shrieks in outrage and stomps on Anakin's instep.

It's almost funny, for all that Obi-Wan's seen it play out a million times before, but the really interesting part is seeing Rex's look of fond dismay.

Obi-Wan thinks he might be adding a branch out to the Fetts soon. He's not actually sure if Rex is interested in Anakin or Ahsoka, and he's smack dab between them in age, so that's not a help either, but... well. The expression is familiar enough.

"Please tell me you don't match-make," Cody mutters to him.

"No, I plan to let the pieces fall where they will," Obi-Wan responds, just as low, and far more amused. "I'm simply trying to predict where those landings are to be."

Cody looks at him, and then back at the roughhousing trio, and sighs heavily. "You know, I really didn't think that you technically being minor royalty was going to be the least convoluted thing in your story, Obi-Wan."

He laughs, because it's true. "I'm first in line to inherit the title, since Rael denounced his claim. Nim isn't interested, and Qui-Gon's dead, so... I'm next."

Cody makes a face. "Delightful. I'm guessing that's not a connection we can safely make use of."

"No more than the Kryze or Naberries, I'm afraid." Obi-Wan claps him on the shoulder. "Chin up, I've plenty others in the metaphorical rolodex, all far less legitimate and far more amenable to work with our little outfit."

"Rolodex, really?" Cody snorts. "You're not that old."

Obi-Wan smiles winningly. "You don't know how old I am, Cody. All my IDs are fake."

"Anakin's twenty-four, and you're sixteen years older than him, going by the story you just told me," Cody points out. "I do know how to do basic math, Obi-Wan."

"I had to try," Obi-Wan admits. "I threw a lot of information at you all at once; I'd hoped you missed some of the ages in there."

"I have eight brothers," Cody scoffs. "And literally dozens of cousins, plus niblings, uncles, aunts, and so on. I have experience on this."

"If I asked you to list of the age of every single relative you have, you'd be able to do it?"

"Do you want me to draw a chart? I can draw a chart."

Obi-Wan can't help but laugh. "I'd be delighted, my dear."

Cody rolls his eyes, but Obi-Wan thinks--it's hard to tell in the dimmed lights of the closed bar--that there's a hint of a blush on the man's face. Obi-Wan lets himself slouch to the side, drops his head to rest on one fist, indolent debauchery in every line of his body. Cody does his best to ignore him, but Obi-Wan knows how to smile lazily and blink slowly and draw a man in.

(The whole 'indolent debauchery in every line of his body' phrasing is Anakin's, from back when he was a teenager trying to read highbrow literature to impress a cute girl... and to come up with new insults for his older brother.)

"So," Cody says, with a cough meant to somehow distract Obi-Wan from whatever's showing on the man's face. "Why, uh, why is your grandfather on terrorist watchlists?"

"Well, he didn't initially do anything," Obi-Wan says. "He was just a gay man who didn't hide it quite well enough, and had too much money and too white a face for someone to just call the cops on a faulty report. The Red Scare was technically over by that point, I think, but if a few people made suggestions that he was more loyal to the country that gave him a noble title than to the United States... he received a few warnings, of course, and it could have all blown over..."

"But?"

"But my grandfather is not a man to do things by halves, and instead decided that if the government was to list him as a threat, then he would oblige and make himself a threat," Obi-Wan finishes. "Living up to their labels, rolling with the assumptions, whatever you'd like to call it. It all irked him, and so he made some incredibly questionable decisions to make the government's lives harder. Some weren't bad, like donating to anti-war foundations that were protesting the Gulf War and the interventions in Yugoslavia, that sort of thing, and some were... nobody really looks well on gunrunning, you know."

"For fuck's sake..."

"Indeed," Obi-Wan chuckles. "Ironically, he has minimal opinion on the optimal form of economics, for all that virulent xenophobia and the remnants of anti-communism were involved in the whole mess. He just wanted to create problems for the people that were causing him problems."

Cody shakes his head. "I want to judge that, but you've met my father."

"Jango Fett is, indeed, also not a man to do things by halves," Obi-Wan agrees, attempting to nod gravely but breaking into a smile at the end. "That man is absurd."

"At least he's not dragging Boba into it anymore," Cody mutters. He drags over the fresh sheet of paper and pen that Obi-Wan offers him. "Okay, right, let's start with Jaster..."

[catboyantichrist]

hello! i saw that you were taking requests for headcanons and oneshots! could i ask for some headcanons on either a gn or male MC bringing a brother along to get their first tattoo? as in the MC getting their first tattoo and having the brother come along because they’re secretly nervous lol….. thanks so much! <3

Aaa! Of course! I originally planned to write this as a M!MC but it ended up completely gender neutral. Also this idea is so creative so thank u for asking me to write this ^^

☆ The Brothers Coming With GN!MC to Get Their First Tattoo!  ☆

You finally did it! You gained the courage to finally get your first tattoo. You've been wanting this for awhile, it's just external forces always made it difficult for you to get one. I guess the brothers really helped with your confidence huh? Well the days leading up to the appointment your nervousness started to get the best of you. What if it hurts too much?

Not wanting to cancel the appointment, you decided to ask one of the brothers to come with you! Just for fun y'know... not because your scared or anything.

Lucifer:

-When you walk into Lucifer’s office asking if he’d come with you to get your first tattoo, he was more than happy to accompany you.

-But he also wanted to have a bit of fun.

-When you go to the shop he immediately noticed that you were nervous, and he started lightly teasing you without hesitation. 

-”Are you nervous MC?” He smirks.

-”No! Why would I be?” You were shaking.

-Oh you’re shaking. Maybe toning it down would be a better idea.

-When the artist comes out and actually begins, Lucifer just puts you on his lap. The pure shock from that would just get rid of any pain in that moment.

-While you’re getting the tattoo, Lucifer’s getting work done on his phone. There’s never a bad time to do work after all! Ignore his massive undereye bags.

-You need a distraction? MC why don’t you start on that potions homework from awhile ago?

-Once the tattoo is completed, Lucifer help you with the aftercare. Once it's healed he will begin to lightly graze his hand over it when he’s close to you.

Mammon:

-You wouldn’t even need to go to him to ask, he’s already going to your room to ask if you can hangout. So when you ask if he could come with you to get your first tattoo, he immediately agrees.

-When you go into the tattoo parlor, he’s just as excited as you are. After all, his human has been talking about this for weeks!

-When the tattoo artist comes out to ask some general questions, Mammon begins to notice your anxiousness. When they leave to set up the work area, Mammon leans over and puts his arm around you.

-Don’t worry MC! You’re the strongest human I know! Plus you have the great Mammon to protect ya!

-When the tattoo artist brings out the needle, Mammon is scared FOR you. But, keeping his word he shakily grabs onto one of your hands.

-“Only focus on me ya hear! It’ll be over before ya know it.”

-The only thing that scared Mammon more then the tattoo was the price OF it.

-He’d contemplate+ getting matching tattoo’s with his human, but needs to check if that would get in the way of his modeling career... just kidding. He doesn’t care

-”Oi MC! We’re gonna match one day. Ya got it?”

Leviathan:

-Convincing Leviathan to go outside can be sort of… difficult. Especially to a place he’s never been to before.

-When he sees how fidgety you are when you ask though, he sighs and agrees. “Fine but only because you’re my Henry”

-When you go into the parlor, he immediately goes to see if any of the tattoos are themed after any anime's. If there are, you will have to drag him away from them so that you can actually get the tattoo.

-When he turns away sad, you grin and offer to come back with him to look at the art another time.

-Depending on where you’re getting your tattoo he’d either play games on his phone with you or you’d just watch, so that there’s something to distract you from the pain. 

-If that doesn’t distract you enough you two will just start rambling about whatever anime you’ve watched last.

Satan:

-He was intrigued that you wanted him to come support you out of everyone. This seemed more like a job for Asmo. You’ll just ask Lucifer instead? Well you should’ve asked for him to come sooner!

-Before even going to the tattoo shop, Satan was doing as much research as possible to make sure you were prepared.

-He brought water and pain killers just to be safe. Yes the water was in a cat themed water bottle. I will not take criticism.

-When you go into the parlor Satan will watch the artist with intrigue and possibly even ask questions about being a tattoo artist.

-Satan will sit beside you and probably read with you or to you. If your handling the pain well enough Satan will probably just hold your hand and continue with the previous conversation he was having with the tattoo artist.

-Once the tattoo is finished Satan will research the best possible tattoo aftercare routine (and obviously talk to the artist about it as well)

-He found the whole experience fascinating, and contemplates maybe even getting a tattoo as well one day. Obviously just to spite Lucifer... no other reason. (-Cough- MC’s approval -cough-)

Asmodeus:

-“OoOo MC where are you getting the tattoo 😏”

-Okay jokes aside, of course he’d come with you! He’s supported tons of his friends and admirers when they were getting their first tattoos! These may or may not have been his name and/or face

-I’m not saying he’d do the same and try to convince you to get a tramp stamp of his name but I’m saying that’s exactly what he’d do 

-Although at the end of the day, no matter what you chose he’d love it!

-When the artist starts working Asmo immediately grabs onto your arm (or whichever arm isn’t getting tattooed) and starts talking about whatever gossip that’s going around currently.

-Every time the artist says “5 more minutes” (which is at least 10 times) Asmo puts his hands through your hair and praises you on how well your doing. Damn even the tattoo artist is blushing.

-Once the tattoo is finished he’d be so excited to take pictures of it, and he’d waste no time finding clothing pieces that would show off the tattoo even more! He'd also ask the artist for tips with aftercare and what skin products are okay to put on the tattoo.

Beelzebub: 

-You want Beel to come with you to get a tattoo? 

-“I mean if it makes you happy MC! Can we go to Madame Screams afterwards?”

-You walk into the tattoo shop and decide to look at some of the designs with Beel

-You turn for a second because you saw an amazing design. Although you nearly had a heart attack when you turned back.

-No Beel wait the food designs aren’t actual food!!

-Because of the amount of exercise this man does, and some not so... happy issues. Beel knows some very effective breathing exercises! Before and during the beginning of the tattoo he’d lead you through some breathing exercises to help you through the pain and any possible anxiety.

-He’s already holding your hand (if you allow it) and if the pain gets to be too much he gives you 100% permission for you to squeeze his hand, he’ll barely feel it anyways. Once the tattoo is finished Beel grins at the sight of it.

-”Wow MC it looks great!”. If the tattoo involves food in anyway, you may need to remind him that it’s not real as his stomach growls almost immediately. 

-”Could we go to Madame Screams now?”

Belphegor:

-“Why don’t we just take a nap instead?”

-When he realizes how much you really want this tattoo he begrudgingly agrees. Although he immediately cheers up when you offer to cuddle with him when you both get home.

-You go into the shop and he wants to get it done as fast as possible

-When the tattoo artist begins, Belphie was originally holding your hand.

-Now he’s just found anyway possible to cuddle with you... oh nope now he’s just asleep.

-On the positive side it gives you the opportunity to put your hands through his hair to help calm down. You kind of start drifting off yourself...

-Next thing you know you’ve woken up with the finished tattoo. Belphie eventually wakes up as well and lets out a long yawn.

-”Wow MC... it looks great. Do you wanna go take a nap at the planetarium?”

[deniigi]

Please take this section from a piece about Baby Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon bonding post Bandomeer.

I’m sure that this isn’t how their master-apprentice relationship was formed but I refuse to read so this is it for me 🙃🙂

Title: platelets

Summary: After the smoke clears on Bandomeer, the Agricorps gathers 12yo Obi-Wan into their ranks and prepares to train him to become one of their own. Qui-Gon thinks they should wait a damn minute here. He’s had a change of heart.

---

Obi-Wan was no longer in the med bay. It took Qui-Gon two hours to find him and two years off his life trying to look casual under the irritated gaze of so many suspicious Agricorps members.

The foreman (forewoman) was the first to crack under Qui-Gon’s very charming smile—and she didn’t so much as crack as tell him that his attempts to be subtle disgusted her to the core.

Obi-Wan had been given over to a young lab manager. A friendly man in need of his first supervisee. He was soft at heart and, according to the foreman, very good with kids.

Qui-Gon understood implicitly and rapidly that this was his new competitor.

He asked the foreman what the knights had done to incur the corps’ ire and she told him to search his fucking feelings.

She closed the door behind him, effectively locking him into one of the Agricorps terrarium-lab bubbles.

 --

Qui didn’t like to snoop. He loved to snoop.

Nothing was more satisfying then having a poke through the lines upon lines of glasses and test pockets that covered the tables. He had a sniff around the experimental cuttings taking root in their glasses and then took cover when he heard a voice break out into a laugh.

He peered over the edge of the counter and spotted the familiar green smock-tunic of the corps. Its owner had tan skin and narrow eyes and his back stooped into an arc. Qui-Gon craned his neck and found that the arc came over the tuft-y red hair of his future apprentice (because there was no real question here, regardless of the corps’ agitation; the knights would always get first choice over the initiates).

The lab manager, however, gave no sign of trepidation. He held in front of Obi-Wan a handful of seeds that sprouted and curled under his smile. Obi-Wan watched them with wide eyes. The manager turned his gentle face down towards Obi-Wan and nudged his hands until Obi-Wan was holding the mass as it grew.

“Look, you’re a natural,” the man said.

Obi-Wan sucked in a lip and focused hard. One of the plants’ first adult leaves began to unfurl.

“Well done. Fantastic,” the manager said. “Look at you already. Great job and for that, a reward.”

“A reward?” Obi-Wan asked, handing the tangle of roots off as the manager held out his hands for them.

“A reward,” the manager agreed, plucking one of the fat stems from the bunch and holding it out to Obi-Wan, “A snack.”

Damn. This guy was good.

 --

 The foreman was smug as a dungbeetle in shit when Qui-Gon skulked out of the lab. She asked him how his proposal had gone. He scowled at her and made off back to his quarters.

Normally, he would call someone to lament the traitorous actions of these supposed-allies, but no one was going to be sympathetic right now—not even Tahl. She was going to say what everyone else was going to say which was “Man, you had how many chances to get this right?”

He smashed his face into the pillow of his bunk, then flung it off and flattened his cheek against the mattress.

There had to be some way to turn these tides back in his favor. He wasn’t losing to the Agricorps. Master Dooku would have a heart attack. Qui’s failure in this—more than Xanatos—would kill him and then he’d have to live with that guilt for the rest of his life.

UGH.

Alright, Jinn. Think.

 --

 He had a brilliant plan. It involved a lightsaber. Obi-Wan loved lightsabers. Qui-Gon had witnessed him loving them many a time.

He scrounged up some tools and squeaked past the Agricorps security for a quick bounce off to acquire a crystal. A blue one. Obi-Wan looked like a blue saber sort of kid. It took a while to find one because everyone, everywhere, was conspiring against Qui-Gon on this. Even the Force seemed to be telling him that he was too late.

But for once, he didn’t care. There were only so many times you could fuck up before you started fucking up at least in the right direction.

He got the crystal. He brought it back to the corps headquarters and went on the hunt yet again for his (his damnit) future apprentice.

  This time, Obi-Wan was in the dormitories. Qui-Gon almost gasped in horror to find him outfitted in an over-large green smock-tunic. He flapped the too-long sleeves with a goofy smile while his lab manager reached around him and tightened the belt at his waist as far as it would go.

“You’re so scrawny,” the lab manager told him. “We’ll fix that.”

Obi-Wan beamed up at him and held up his sleeve-covered hands.

“I like green,” he said.

A small piece of Qui-Gon screamed internally.

“I think you’re more of a blue, actually,” the lab manager said. “But this is what we’ve got for now. When you get bigger, we can see if there’s a blue that fits you.”

“There are so many colors,” Obi-Wan said as the manager trapped his arm and started rolling up one of the sleeves. He tried to do the same with the other on his own, which just made the manager’s job harder.

“There are,” the manager said.

“Do you get to pick?”

“You sure do.”

“How do you pick?”

The manager patted Obi-Wan’s head and turned around to hunt down something else from the spare clothing supply.

“It comes to you,” he said, muffled.

There was a long silence. Qui-Gon had just decided to step out of hiding, when Obi-Wan, looking at the rolled edges of his sleeves said,

“I think I want to leave.”

Qui-Gon’s heart stopped. The manager’s rummaging did, too. He pulled himself carefully out of the cupboard.

“Leave?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Obi-Wan said to his sleeves. “I think I want to leave.”

No.

“You’re a little young to leave, aren’t you?” the manager said awkwardly.

“Maybe,” Obi-Wan said. “But I’ll figure it out. If I can survive those people in the mines, then I can figure it out, can’t I? And then I can pick my colors out there. You get to pick, right? Maybe I’ll do blue after all.”

Fuck. No. Qui-Gon was gonna—

“Hey, why don’t we do this?” the manager said, setting aside a set of gaiters to kneel down in front of Obi-Wan. “Let’s give us a trial run, huh? Two months, max. I know we didn’t make the best first impression, but give us two months—eight weeks—and after that, if you don’t like it, we’ll make sure you’ve got somewhere to go when you’re ready to leave. Does that sound okay?”

Qui-Gon held his breath. Obi-Wan studied the knuckles of the hands holding his. He rubbed his split lips together.

“Eight weeks?” he asked.

“That’s all, no more and if you really, really can’t stand it, then even less,” the manager said.

“And you’ll help me? Even if I say I don’t want to stay?”

“Even if you don’t want to stay.”

Maybe Qui was operating on another, less child-friendly level here, but why in kark’s name you’d even give the boy the illusion of choice was beyond him. The answer was, truly, that the second Obi-Wan set foot away from the jedi, he’d be signing his own death sentence.

Xanatos wouldn’t care if he wasn’t Qui-Gon’s true apprentice. He wouldn’t ask those kinds of questions. He’d just seize the opportunity the moment Obi-Wan no longer had someone standing behind him, and when he was through, he’d bring the body to the Temple and lay it out cold and open-eyed on the front steps.

There were no other options for the child now. Qui-Gon was being kind with this process of trust-building. In reality, if he really needed to, he could contact Yoda and acquiesce to his previous wisdom and arguments for Qui-Gon to take the kid on. Yoda would then change the boy’s assignment and orders; he would return to the temple and thereafter again go through the selection process. But this time, Qui-Gon would select him without hesitation.

That wasn’t how Qui-Gon wanted to do this, but if the boy thought that he was going to leave, to step out into the cold of space, then to spare him a cruel, meaningless death, Qui-Gon would.

“Thank you,” Obi-Wan said quietly to the manager.

“Anytime, hon,” the manager said. “Who knows, anyways. You might even like it here.”

 --

  The trouble with the damn Agricorps was that they were phenomenal talkers. They talked to people about their problems and all these insecurities and they gave them food and drinks and told jokes and laughed and hefted their littlest supervisees up onto their shoulders and all that served to make their members loyal to each other to a fault.

In short, Obi-Wan’s lab manager was winning this battle more every day.

This was not helped at all by the fact that Qui-Gon had discovered through a surprise meeting that Obi-Wan was afraid of him.

They’d bumped into each other in the hallway as Obi-Wan came from the mess hall and Qui-Gon went to drop off some documents, and the kid scrambled away from him and flattened himself against the corridor’s wall.

Some serious meditation (and agitating Mace, great tower of sleep-deprived wisdom) had brought Qui-Gon to the conclusion that yeah, a month in forced labor, being banished to a mine, food deprivation, physical assault, and so on really did a number on a twelve-year-old’s trust in people and their associates.

Further, Mace pointed out that Qui-Gon was approximately ‘half a mile tall and covered in overgrowth.’

He did not appear to be a soothing presence to children. Mace said that if he’d deigned to join him and the other masters in chatting and cuddling the younglings in the crèche, this wouldn’t have been a problem, but alas, Qui, you stuck-up nerfherder. You reap what you sow.

Mace’s hind and foresight was, as per usual, invaluable.

Qui-Gon decided that he was going to be the nice version of himself. He was going to smile at Obi-Wan. That would do it.

 --

 It didn’t do it.

The foreman came to Qui-Gon’s quarters to gleefully tell him not to approach the corps’ young supervisees unprompted. He was giving the children hives.

He explained to her outright that he intended to take Obi-Wan on as his apprentice.

She told him good luck. Obi-Wan, she claimed, was already settling in with the others. He was making friends. And Qui-Gon wasn’t so cruel as to separate such a traumatized boy from such comfort, now was he?

But there, she was mistaken.

He definitely was that cruel.

The foreman told him to die miserable and slammed his door.

 --

 It took another two tries, but eventually, he managed to find Obi-Wan tucked away on one of his breaks from his training in the lab. He appeared to be at a loss for what to do with himself. He’d settled against a window and had splayed both hands on it as he stared out into the cracked soil of Bandomeer.

Qui-Gon watched him for a little while and then cleared his throat.

Obi-Wan jumped. His eyes came up for the briefest second and then his head went down.

“Master,” he greeted.

“Obi-Wan,” Qui-Gon replied. “You seem bored.”

Guilt colored the boy’s cheeks in a flush.

“I’m not bored, Master,” he said, fidgeting with his rolled sleeves.

“May I sit?” Qui-Gon asked, gesturing next to where Obi-Wan knelt. He nodded and arranged himself in a more dignified posture. Qui-Gon let him; he sat down next to him, grumbling and creaking and popping.

His bones weren’t what they used to be.

Once he was finally more or less comfortable, he turned to notice Obi-Wan staring at him with eyes like a cat’s.

“What? You never seen an old man sit?” he asked.

“What happened to your hair?” Obi-Wan asked.

Oh.

“It’s in a bun,” Qui-Gon explained, reaching up to release the mane. It tumbled down over his shoulders and cheered for fresh air.

Obi-Wan’s gaze became even more cat-like. Qui-Gon fought off a smirk.

“You want to touch it?” he asked.

The kid looked away abruptly.

“It’s okay. You can touch it,” Qui told him. “It looks better than it feels, I must say. Needs a trim—look at these ends, little one. I ought to be arrested for crimes against decency.”

Aha. Gotcha. Look at that wobble in those lips. Trying not to smile. They’d see how long that worked, now wouldn’t they?

He badgered Obi-Wan until he finally broke and reached up to brush his fingers against the hair Qui-Gon put within his reach. His attention snapped into place.

“It’s soft,” he said, amazed.

His fingers started combing without permission. Qui-Gon let it happen.

“Very useful for cold climates—have you ever felt a snow-yak, Obi-Wan?” he asked.

The boy shook his head. Of course, he hadn’t.

“Do you know what they look like?”

Another shake.

“Well, perhaps one day, you will see them,” Qui-Gon said indulgently. “When I was a boy, my master told me not to try to pet them—he told me at every step of the way, he knew me well. But you know what I did?”

There was that smile now.

“You pet them?” Obi-Wan asked.

“I sure did,” Qui-Gon told him. “And you know that they did?”

“Kicked you?”

“Me? No. I was too small a target. They charged my master—Master Dooku; you may have heard of him.”

Obi-Wan shoved his giggles into his palms.

“I want to pet one,” he said.

“Yes, you do look like the type,” Qui-Gon said. “Tell me, Obi-Wan, what are your feelings on pathetic lifeforms?”

“What’s that?”

“You tell me. What’s a pathetic lifeform to you?”

Obi-Wan settled in and thought about it as he gazed out the window’s thick glass.

“Me,” he decided.

Bless him.

“You?” Qui-Gon said incredulously. “No, no. You saved a jedi master. I said ‘pathetic.’”

“Me,” Obi-Wan insisted again.

Qui-Gon held a finger out between them.

“If you are a pathetic life form, then I am in grave danger,” he said.

The giggle this time wasn’t hidden. It make Qui-Gon’s own grin grow.

“I was thinking a lothcat,” he admitted. “Or a dragon—love a dragon. Of course, the yak—perhaps not pathetic to my master, but to others yes. They’re not smart, Obi-Wan, poor things.”

“You like animals,” Obi-Wan said.

Qui-Gon weighed this statement with his head.

“’Animals’ isn’t quite broad enough, but yes, they fall into the category,” he said. “I’m also a big fan of rescuing the plants that no one can keep alive.”

Obi-Wan brought up his knees and wrapped his arms around them. He settled a soft cheek onto the top of the right one.

“That’s what I’ll be doing here,” he said.

“Indeed,” Qui-Gon said.

There was a long pause. The boy sniffed softly.

“You will be happy here,” Qui-Gon told him gently. “They will take care of you.”

Another sniff. An eye scrubbed with a too-long sleeve.

“I’m sorry I’m not good enough,” Obi-Wan whispered.

Well, this was a conversation Qui-Gon hadn’t wanted to walk into. There were, from his vantage point, a few ways out of it, but at the end of each of those paths was a set of brown eyes framed by intense, wispy green brows.

“You are good enough,” Qui-Gon said. “I am just a foolish master. You deserve someone better than me, Obi-Wan.”

“There is no one else,” Obi-Wan said.

“There will be,” Qui-Gon said.

“No, there won’t. I’m out of time. All that’s left for me is...this,” Obi-Wan said, gesturing to the landscape beyond the window.

Qui-Gon studied it; the cracks in the soil, the piles of broken stones.

“It is a little bleak,” he admitted.

“What is it like for non-jedi people?” Obi-Wan asked. “Do they go to school? How do they find somewhere to sleep?”

“You will not be a non-jedi person,” Qui-Gon said.

There was a long pause.

“What?”

Qui-Gon sucked in a breath and let his shoulders fall.

“Unless you really want to be one,” he added. “Apologies, I spoke without thinking.”

Those blue eyes were the same color as the crystal in Qui-Gon’s pocket. He put his hand inside of it and pulled the carefully wrapped parcel out so that Obi-Wan could see it. He rolled it slowly until only the crystal sat in his palm.

“There is greatness in you, Obi-Wan,” he said. “And I am not a good enough Master, but you are more than a deserving padawan.”

The eyes flicked from the crystal to Qui-Gon’s face once, then twice.

“Do you mean it?” Obi-Wan asked.

“Are you okay with having a silly master?” Qui-Gon asked. “I will not sugar-coat it—one of my students has already fallen. I am the type of person who Master Windu has been dreaming of the unfortunate demise for since we were children.”

“Why?” Obi-Wan asked with eyes only for the crystal.

“Excellent question. I am told that my brain is fundamentally ill-suited for human interaction,” Qui-Gon said with a smile.

Obi-Wan huffed.

“Does Master Windu really dislike you so much?” he asked.

“He speaks to me in such ways only out of love. My other friends say that I am dedicated intensely to the flight of fancy.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Obi-Wan said.

“You know, funny thing,” Qui-Gon told him, reaching over to take his hand and press the crystal into it, “Neither do I.”

[daydreamrry]

so did the sun article mention her or not? i saw someone say whenever it’s a n article from his team it never mentions her, unlike from her team. //

I was the anon that wrote that and I didn’t notice it at the bottom lol but I’m also not convinced Harry’s team approved that part. Back to the SEO post another anon linked to… what if the Sun added that part in just to boost their own SEO ranking. Editors can change pieces so I bet the Sun added that in. PR doesn’t completely control what is written they just heavily persuade and guide the piece. (I work in PR)

Here’s a prime example what I meant tho. This is an example of something Harry’s team sent in:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.capitalfm.com/news/harry-styles-nick-kroll-dont-worry-darling-gifts/

Notice how it was posted in March of this year but no mention of Holivia just Olivia as director briefly? This publication posts super positively about Harry in general and has done a lot of articles detracting from Holivia. Everyone wants to hate on his team, but hear me out on this theory.

I think his team has been actually working really hard to keep Harry’s brand as disassociated from her as possible while the stunt continues. That’s part of all the winning of awards (not to say he didn’t earn them but a lot of awards are political, esp. Grammys) and why Liam and Ed keeping bringing him up, that’s why Lorde talked about him, and Joshua whoever Olivia Rodrigos ex, and why Jen Aniston wore the same suit as him for People, why Courtney Cox covered his song. Yes all these people get clout from his name but think about how many random people have been talking about him lately??? Why?? Image restoration. All of these people have done nothing but say amazing and positive things about him. PR people talk a lot and it’s not a stretch that they’d be involved somehow in all these random positive mentions. It’s their job to find these connections and positively promote their clients. Why do they care so much about his image?? HS3 baby!! Harry wants to be and his team wants to market him as one of the greats of his time (Grammys, high profile articles with RS and famous music journalists, placement on 500 best albums and 500 best songs?) More than anything Harry wants critical acclaim for his music. They do not want it cheapened by being tied to Olivia. The article today proved it to me. They laid out that he wrote it before her and they will continue to say that and steer album marketing as far from as they can strategically. Think about it. How much press has Olivia gotten not tied to Holivia and how much press has Harry gotten not tied to Holivia? Exactly!

Theory continued: I also think his team reads these blogs and they know that we all think it’s PR. I think maybe they are the ones leaving some of the “it’s PR” comments on the DM and other Holivia articles not the GP. (Go look up what they did for Eroda and all the fake Twitter accounts they made for that marketing push) If everyone thinks the relationship is fake even if stories say otherwise, this angle is better because he didn’t really break up a family/date her anyway. Olivia still gets name recognition and tabloids get clicks. That’s why I think we see Harry being so over it. At first his team wanted to sell the it’s real thing to water down the home wrecker narrative they’ve worked so hard to clear (why he wasn’t looking horribly miserable although still strange in the January photos) but they noticed we weren’t buying it. Now they’re purposely seeding doubt and straight up disconnecting him publicly from her as much as possible. They’re the ones that fed that Page 6 article about him singing about his ex in front of her. They’re trying to make her look bad guys! Why? It’s better for Harry that we’re thinking poor Harry caught up in this stunt with such an annoying person. It’s actually sort of hilarious. And real tea I think Jason’s team is doing the same thing so I doubt there’s any real bad blood between Jason and Harry bts or any of their shared friends. That’s why the subtle shade with the kids and Jason before the Emmys and the classic doodle line. Like damn. She’s probably on the phone so much talking to her PR team about how to salvage any of this and it sells her girlboss image. He’ll still make fun of the situation on SNL but I bet Olivia comes out looking the worst. The only confusing part is Jeff? Why would he hype Olivia on the teaser Instagram story hmm? Why not Harry? Well he’s not gonna tag them both in the post and honestly I think they’re trying to distance Harry from the movie some too bc it’s tainted by her and the stunt. I’ll stand by Harry’s core team who’ve been around being loyal to him. I think tommy is dancing with Olivia like that bc he knows fans will capture it and she’ll look stupid.

I know this is a lot and sounds sort of crazy. I’m not a Larry or any of that but literally this whole thing has been so strange and this is the only explanation I can’t come up with. This is the first relationship I feel is a stunt truly without love or at least some romance involved. I don’t know what happened between them but that weird dancing video and the yacht pics really cemented it as being off for me. I don’t think Harry’s innocent or any of that either. I know he has flaws but I can’t for the life of me wrap my head around why someone who was so horribly paraded through the press with 1D would find themselves in this position again when he hasn’t had anything like this in the press for like 5 years? I know there are some pieces still missing like why did this all start in the first place?? I don’t think Harry would willingly tarnish his image even for a movie role. I don’t believe they were even seeding Holivia back then. I think they had him photographed with Flo stating they were just friends and the article about him being single to get ahead of any costar romance narratives. This was supposed to be a serious project for him. Something else happened that sent us all careening down this path to Holivia hell and it probably involves betrayal of some sort which is why he made that weird statement “thanks to everyone who has my back” at the brits. I’m convinced that DWD was supposed to be a movie to show he has acting range and that’s why he took the role, but it’s become some weird death trap.

link

[shinsouskitten]

Okay so hc’s of Hawks, Dabi, Bakugo, and Shinsou with an outta pocket s/o plz! She just oozes crackhead energy and says the most funniest most wildest shit. (Hawks:*teasing her* S/O: Ah, so you think cuz your balls drag across the floor, you got jokes huh? ☺️) Sis could come up with the most immaculate of roasts (S/O: Mineta, you waste of sperm! I will rip your spine outta your ass and make it into fine China before sending it to your parents 😡) and do the dumbest things just cuz she wants to (Monoma’s on his bullshit and S/O just suplexes him without saying a single word). Imagine their faces when she breaks the fourth wall a couple of times, says some freaky shit with a straight face, or she’ll just go “Nope” and jump out of a window with no hesitation (she don’t care how high the drop is, she heading out). Need them to be with someone who just has “I woke up and chose violence” energy.

I POSTED IT TO THE WRONG ASK 😭😭😭 i still have the other request saved on the actual document so at least i didnt completely fuck it up

still, im gonna go cry in a corner so brb

---

i had a stroke reading this 😅

but like i read this out to my buddy @grapefantaenby and we both were like BRO I LOVE THAT, even if my writing of it is subpar at best lol

also that m*neta insult is actual perfection. might send it to my ex

Warnings: chaos, some swear words, m*neta exists 🤮

---

Hawks/Keigo Takami: 

🍗 Keigo loves it

🍗 He especially loved when the two are you are partnered up, simply because of how terrified the villains are when they see you. You’re not even that scary, they just have no idea what you’re going to do

🍗 You could either decide your weapon of choice that day is a chair, or take a bag of popcorn from a nearby store and just sit there eating it while Hawks does his job (heroes don’t steal so Keigo always makes sure to go back to the store and pay for you if you forget)

🍗 He’s used to you jumping out of random windows. He was absolutely terrified the first time, and jumped straight after you to catch you, but now he just sends a bunch of his feathers to make sure you make it to the ground safely 

🍗 You don’t bend over and accept everything the commission asks you to do, and it’s quite common for them to demand that Hawks keep an eye on you to ensure you don’t get into too much trouble. It’s also quite common for you to just walk out mid meeting with a middle finger to the rest of the conference room and a scream that you want food

🍗 The fourth wall breaks. Oh God the fourth wall breaks. Hawks literally just stand there like ‘what the fuck’ when you turn to an empty piece of sidewalk and mutter something about villains being too hot for their own good (legit thinks for a moment you mean temperature-wise, but is still confused anyway)

---

Dabi/Touya Todoroki:

💙🔥 Oh boy. If there’s one thing that gets on Dabi’s nerves it’s chaotic individuals. He deals with Toga and Twice on a daily basis, so you’d think he’d know how to tone out the craziness. Alas, he does not

💙🔥 Sometimes he wants to throw you against the wall and just tell you to shut up for a goddamn second, and other times he wants to praise you for showing some low level villain that the league was not to be messed with. Maybe you did it with an insult about his mother, but it still worked, and the villain left you with an apology quickly enough

💙🔥 Not that Dabi would ever actually tell anyone that he thought they did a good job, so he usually just ignores you, attempting to stay out of your way (he also doesn’t really want you to insult his mother)

💙🔥 Eventually he becomes more accustomed to your… uniqueness, and occasionally you actually manage to get a half smile from him with one of your numerous insults aimed towards Shigaraki. They can get pretty creative

💙🔥 If Dabi is ever at odds with the rest of the league for some reason (there’s not really a reason, he’s just being Dabi), they - usually mom Kurogiri - sends you in an attempt to cheer him up. If you don’t manage to cheer him up, you still manage to annoy him enough to force him back to the rest of them. Either way it works out

---

Katsuki Bakugou:

💥 ‘Wow you’re annoying’ is the first thing Bakugou thinks when he meets you (he should meet himself) so he plans to just ignore you. After all, he’s not there to make friends. He’s there to be the best hero

💥 Annoyingly, even with your naturally chaotic energy, you still manage to stay right on his toes. That’s what finally gets him to notice you (notice me senpai), and to his frustration, you’re barely even trying to beat him, and yet you manage to remain hot on his heels

💥 He’s surprised you’re not suspended from all the shit you pull, but you always manage to get yourself out of trouble one way or another. Even if that way is jumping out of a second story window and claiming they can’t kick you out when you’re injured (how that actually works he has no idea)

💥 He’s wanted to throw a chair at that stupid copycat Monoma since he first met him, so when you actually throw a chair at the guy, Bakugou laughs. Like really laughs. Kirishima thought he might’ve been possessed for a moment, but Monoma’s expression when he finally got back up was priceless

💥 It takes a while but he slowly manages to respect your skill as a hero - as much as King Explosion Murder can respect anyone. And even though your personality is… unusual, you’re not Deku, so he can deal with you

💥 Besides, anyone who can and will suplex Monoma without any warning is a worthy friend for him

---

Hitoshi Shinsou:

💜 The first time he met you, you were screaming like a banshee running through the halls of school, chasing after a small purple speck some way off in the distance. He didn’t get involved

💜 He saw you next being held apart from Bakugou with help from Aizawa’s scarf. You were screaming again, but this time at least you sounded human. He heard something about an ‘angry pomeranian’ before he decided to leave you to it

💜 You’re part of 1A, so Shinsou doesn’t pay you much mind other than the infuriating need to prove himself to everyone that ever doubted him. He’s surprised when you don’t act like the others in your class, and first gets to talk to you after you barrel into him in the hallways mid lesson (you were both skipping so he didn’t call you out on it)

💜 He asked if you were okay, and your exasperated response of ‘Bakugou’ explained enough for him. You sat together for a while. Okay, you refused to get up from the floor. He got tired of standing and decided to join you

💜 You get your first smile from him after you’re almost caught by a teacher looking for you, when you grab his hand and make a mad dash to a darkened classroom currently unused by anyone else

💜 Your first laugh comes when you flip off Denki after he tried one of his many pickup lines on you. The blond’s reaction was great, and Shinsou couldn't help but chuckle at how you managed to twist Denki’s pickup line into some distorted insult to his… nether regions

💜 Your chaos is a nice contrast to how nonchalant Shinsou usually is. You bring some much needed joy to the purple haired insomniac, and he helps to calm you down when your usual energy might be unneeded in certain situations. You know what they say; opposites attract

[nevertheless-moving]

thanks again to @dykerory and @willowcrowned for this genius au. this is an incomplete collection of very specific set of headcanons/daydreams i had about a tangential version of your au that made me emotional in the middle of the woods. whenever you feel the time is right, i’m very eager to hear your og version on the ‘but obi-wan, tho!’, because i admittedly pushed this one’s resolution really far chronologically because i wanted batman to be involved.

continuation from here

note: my understanding of dcu is as sporadically informed as my understanding of the gffa. 

newly graduated clark kent gets his first journalism job and starts settling more and more into the superman thing. the rest of the justice league has been around but his entrance onto the scene is the one that really inspires the various heroes to actually start coordinating to deal with the weirdness magnet that is dcu Earth. Clark is in his early 20s. Anakin is in his late 30s.

He’s been living on Earth, without the force, for nearly 2/3rds of his life. He has a close knit circle of friends who were kind to him even when they thought he was just a weird and crazy emo cult victim (the gradual increase of public encounters with aliens and superpowers sparks some awkward apologies, Anakin at 38 just waves his friends off, smiling and changing the subject, neither confirming nor denying his high school ramblings of spaceships and magic. it doesn’t really change anything).

He lives an hour’s drive from smallville, and runs a successful auto shop. people travel from pretty far to check out some of his more wild and specialized motorcycle abominations. makes enough money selling them to rich idiots to fund his free auto-class and auto-repair programs for impoverished communities.

It took a while but he eventually came around to the idea of helping people without physical force (ironically, this is happening around the same time Clark is coming to the realization that he can help people with physical force). Generally respected as a pillar of the community. When people start to realize how profoundly weird he is as a person in a number of inexplicable ways, someone will generally pull them aside and quietly whisper that he was in a cult at a child, no one really knows much about it except that it’s what inspired his anti-modern-slavery work, which is a little telling. Not married. Was in a long-term relationship for like 9 years. It didn’t end well but no-one knows the details.

Has several cats. 

He’s- wistful but settled. He’s been through a lot of therapy. He meditates every morning and night, clearing his mind and examining his emotions in the way Obi-Wan taught him. He thinks Obi-Wan would be proud of him. He know his Mom would be.

Once he gets used to the idea, he never really stops loving the concept of learning just because. Duel bachelors degree in in african american history and american literature, masters in engineering, masters in astrophysics a phd in theoretical physics, another phd in medieval folklore. He’s worked a lot of jobs. 

He was already pretty well versed in astronavigation back at the temple. Over the course of his time on earth, he gets more educated in earth astronomy and physics. With is increased knowledge, his theory for ‘how did i get here’ shifts from slight hyperdrive miscalculation, to big hyperdrive miscalculation, to some sort of hyperlane incident. he realizes that none of the stars he knows are familiar in any NASA database. He must be beyond wildspace, which helps him let go of the last bit of hurt he felt that Obi-Wan never found him.

Then he really learns physics- and- light doesn’t exactly work like that right? He thought it was just primitive Earth understanding but... he gets a phd more or less accidentally, trying and failing to disprove that the speed of life is constant constant.

Get’s another even more accidentally, explaining how alternate universes might form if we assume slightly different universal constants. He publishes his thesis anonymously around the same time metas are becoming a household term, and at least one science journalist speculates on it and how alternate universes might explain the increasing prevalence of wildly different superpowers. He doesn’t claim credit for the honorary diploma awarded to the unknown theorist- he doesn’t want to risk drawing any attention to him and by extension Clark, who’s alien differences are far more of the ‘military experiment interesting’ variety then his.

He stops tinkering with Clark’s ship. He finally gets how it works. Now that he realizes how FTL travel has to work in this universe, tinkering with the mechanical generation and harnessing of the massive quantities of energy necessary to do is startlingly familiar. But it doesn’t matter. No matter how far and fast he travels, he’s never going to be able to get back to the life he used to know. 

Perhaps this is what being the chosen one actually means- he’s meant to live a life without the force, so that when he returns to it in death he’ll be able to somehow...educate? the force? maybe?

Ok, he’s not great at the metaphysical spiritual side of things, but he does accept that going back is out of his control, and he’s doing good here, even if it’s not galaxy altering.

Despite all the therapy, he never doubts that his early life was real. He has his saber and deep, deep down he can feel a spark in the kyber. He can’t do anything with it, but it’s there. There’s also pieces of the utter wreck that was his ship in the cellar, next to the sleek unblemished pod that Clark arrived in. Shortly before Clark becomes Superman, he asks for his help in melting down his old ship to make unearthly alloys. 

He’s not surprised when Clark tells him he met a ‘real’ ‘magic’ user- it stands to reason that considering how relatively easy it is to convert energy from one form to another in this universe (Clark can fly), at least one kind would bend to sentient willpower in a similar way as the force does.

It’s still a little nervewracking showing his lightsaber to someone new for the first time in a decade. Zantana scrutinizes, bewildered. 

“There is some sort of power locked within, but it’s unfamiliar to me,” she admits finally. “I could probably brute force it and force the energy to release itself, but it would likely destroy the container.” Anakin politely refuses. 

Later, after the justice league’s formation, Clark mentions to J’onn that he has a friend who might be able to work on his ship. J’onn is extremely doubtful when he’s brought to a bizarre autoshop in the midwest that looks half-like a roadside attraction. Anakin sighs and digs his hands into the guts of the craft, muttering incomprehensibly and yelling at clark to melt down some pieces from the special scrap pile. A few days later he explains the patches he’s done to an impressed J’onn. When he asks how a human came to learn such things, he’s absently informed that,

“I used to work in a junkshop in Tatooine. All sorts of ship parts came through.”

“I’m unfamiliar with this world.”

“Tell you what, if you ever meet anyone who’s heard it of it, send them my way, and I’ll make your next repair free.”

“Oh! I’m afraid I don’t have any earth money...”

“Ugh, of course you don’t. it’s cool, capitalism sucks anyway and everyone’s entitled to free transportation, regardless of the area they happen to live. I do ask that if you can’t pay for the repairs that you spend an equivalent number of hours either attending one of my free auto classes, or volunteer at a community-led charities of your choice, here I’ll get you a pamphlet-”

So the Martian Manhunter becomes a weekly volunteer at a Midwestern Food Waste Reclamation Facility. J’onn J’onzz ends up becoming Anakin Skywalker’s friend well before he becomes comes truly comfortable around Kal-El. For a telepath, 39 year old Anakin’s Jedi orderly mind is a soothing relief.

(again, Anakin has spent far more time meditating on Earth then he ever did at the temple. Before all this, spent five years dutifully memorizing the Jedi way even as he struggled to live up it’s basic practices. For the first few years on earth, religiously practicing every meditation technique Obi-Wan ever taught him, thinking obsessively about the philosophies he never had time to really process, is just a desperate attempt to reconnect with the force, prove himself worthy of it. But even after he gives up on ever touching the force again, he keeps up the practice, he can’t release his emotions exactly, but he does find peace. The tendency to stop mid-rant to earnestly pronounce made up zen bullshit and then sit quietly for an hour before picking up on his tirade again as though there was no interruption is one of the things many things people find profoundly weird about him)

Kal-El doesn’t stop asking new aliens and dimensional travelers if they’ve ever heard of Coruscant, or Hutts, or the Jedi Order. Anakin might have given up, but Superman remembers his older brother scrubbing away his own tears to focus on helping Clark calm down enough to touch the floor again. The more the Kryptonian’s powers developed in alarming ways, the more Anakin set aside talk of missing his home galaxy. Anakin might have claimed it wasn’t like that, but Clark was determined to take every chance his increasingly weird life threw at him, no matter how vanishingly small.

In the middle of his first battle with Braniac, Clark starts insulting his incomplete database. The world collector pauses, demanding a more precise explanation. Clark complies, giving his best technical description of Coruscant’s cityscape, Tatooine’s binary star system, and so on. Braniac is so distracted that Superman recovers completely from his kryptonite poisoning and easily saves the day.

Neither the lantern corp or the denizens of the neutral zone have the answers. Superman doesn’t mention it it Anakin, but he never stops looking and listening.

“How did you even meet that guy?” Flash asks curiously after stopping to say hello on one of their after work laps of the country. 

“Aliens among us support group,” Kal-El responds deadpan. 

“Oh. Wait, what? He’s an alien? I thought he was from the future or something! You’re messing with me. No way that’s a thing. How many people are in the support group? This is a joke, right?”

“Sorry, most of them aren’t out and I don’t want to violate their privacy- a lot of them have high profile jobs. How do you think I met J’onn?”

“SUPES I’M FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW YOU’VE GOTTA STOP”

Anakin is just sort of vaguely known by a solid chunk of the super community as ‘that one midwestern zen space mechanic’ and no one really questions it because everyone’s life has just gotten so goddamn weird. A few of them know he used to be a space wizard of some kind. Space wizards now being a regular hazard of life on earth, no one has reason to doubt this, and it’s as good an explanation as any for Anakin’s general vibe.

well. almost no one doubts this. Batman does not simply accept Anakin’s general bullshittery without carefully investigating and drawing his own conclusions. He does not share these with anyone.

But one day Clark- this is well after Superman became Kal-El to him, and not long after Kal-El tells him to call him Clark- comes up to him and asks for his help finding about an alternate universe. Knowing and dreading where this is going, Batman stalls,

“Shouldn’t you be asking one of the league members who regularly travels between universes?”

“I have, over the years,” Clark admits, awkwardly scuffing a boot on the floor of the cave. “But no one’s familiar with the exact one I’m looking for, and I thought since you’re a detective, and also one of the smartest people I know, you might be able to help me...”

“You’re an investigator yourself, and you can survive the vacuum of space,” Bruce shoots back flatly. “I’ve told you before Gotham is my priority, and this has ‘personal project’ all over it.”

“Come on, B, please,” Superman pleads, trailing Batman around the cave like an overgrown puppy. “In a few months it will have been 30 years! He’s my brother! Just let me see the research you’ve already done!”

“Who says I’ve already done research on your brother?”

Clark shoots him a look. And Bruce concedes the point with a grunt.

“I’ll need need to talk with him first,” Bruce finally concedes. “Bring him by the cave. Take the-”

“Take the tunnel entrance, I know, I know,” Clark agrees with a grin. “This doesn’t mean he’s authorized to know your secret identity. Thanks Bruce, this means a lot. I’ll ask him tomorrow about his schedule.”

Superman flies off and Batman scrubs his face with a gloved hand. After a moment he pulls up Anakin’s file on the main monitor. Bruce honestly respects and likes the man, as much as he respects and likes anyone who’s not family. He admires his sense his style, appreciates his upgrades to the batmobile, and is impressed by both this civil rights work and his additions to the scientific community.

That doesn’t mean he’s not convinced that Anakin’s brother is a bit insane. Again, he’s not judging! He dresses like a bat to scare random henchmen and beat up actual demigods! He wishes his rogues gallery was as capable of directing their ptsd-inspired delusions and staggering intellects towards such productive pursuits!

Bruce was already in quiet awe of the Kent’s ability to raise an outrageously superpowered being without blowing up a chunk of the country; their success in derailing a supervillian origin story just puts him over the edge. He stares at the three most likely profiles he’s pulled together. Christen Jones, from a negligent family, death certificate filled out suspicously sloppily at age 3. Earl Lucas, went missing at age 9, both parents dead in a violent assault. And Jake Hayden, who at age 5 disappeared along with the rest of his family in a seismic accident later linked to Luthercorp.

Anyone of them could have suffered on the streets for years and coped by establishing an elaborate fantasy world, aided by self medication, only to eventually be picked up by the Kent’s and start healing. Certainly Anakin had the intellect to create worlds in his mind. All his rogues were smart enough to create their own little realities in their heads- it doesn’t mean they were actually reachable. 

Unfortunately Anakin had a Kryptonian younger brother who was determined to actually find the space wizard knight homeworld, even as the 'Jedi’ in question had slowly moved away his reliance on the delusion as an adult. Batman really didn’t see any way bringing up his conclusions to Anakin or Clark could possibly be helpful, and so many alien allies had a ‘If you find about the Jedi please contact Kal-El of Krypton on Earth’ pamphlet that it would be excruciatingly awkward to try and discretely correct anyone.

Bruce was not looking forward to this conversation.

[sinner-as-saint]

Power Over Me - 6

Bucky Barnes x Reader AU

Previous Parts

Run-through: CEO James Buchanan Barnes is a dominant. And he’s spent the last 5 years searching for his perfect submissive. Then one night, he finds you. He thinks everything will fall perfectly into place now; but he thought wrong. Turns out your unfortunate past which still haunts you to this day, and some of his enemies are, well, connected. Things go wrong. And your bond with your dom is tested in many ways…

Themes throughout the series: dom/sub dynamic, smut, dirty talk, angst, fluff, soft dom!bucky

a/n: *sigh* and here we are! This is the last part of the Power Over Me series. Thank you to everyone who loved and supported this series. And thank you for loving soft dom!bucky as much as I did! I love you guys!

3 months later, you found yourself in a much better place.

You were in a much better mental space than you were on the day you left Bucky’s house. You weren’t broken in pieces anymore. You were healing just fine.

The memories still hurt. The betrayal and the lies hurt. And the heartbreak did as well. But none of those even came close to how much your heart hurt when it missed Bucky. You were hurt, but you still loved him. He had changed your life after all, he had gotten you out of a bad place. He showed you how to love again, how to trust. He catered to all your needs. He protected you.

He made you feel safe. But he also lied. And you found out in the most terrible way possible. After that day outside your work building, you never saw Thor again. Guess he had made a mess and had left your life for good this time – and you were thankful for that last part.

That evening, when you packed up some basic things and left Bucky’s house, you went straight to find a hotel room for the night. You still had your amazing job and enough money in your bank account to find a new place. A couple of hard and long days filled with tears later, you found yourself in a cozy little, not too expensive apartment, not too far from work.

You settled in just fine. You did contact the club and asked them if Bucky came by, looking for his money back. And they said no. You did try to pay them their money back still, in the fit of rage and heartbreak that you were in, but they refused to tell you how much he had paid for you initially and they didn’t want anything to do with you anymore. So you had no other choice than to let it go and forget about the club like it was a bad dream.

You settled into your new place over the week, and then Friday night in the first week you heard a knock at your door. You were in the shower so it took you a minute to get to the door. When you finally opened the front door however, you saw nothing but a folded piece of paper on the ground, and no one else was in sight.

Curious, you picked it up and closed the door behind you again. You opened the note and saw that it was in Bucky’s handwriting. Asking you to meet him at the bistro you always went for dinner on Friday nights. It had become a little ritual of yours.

You felt a pang in your chest.

You tore the paper apart bit by bit and then threw it in the trash. Then broke down crying on the floor. Why would he reach out if his love was fake and just for show? Why wouldn’t he just let you be? You loved him, despite how wrong his actions had been. But you didn’t go that night. Instead you curled up in your bed and let your tears fall until you fell asleep.

From then on, each Friday night, at around the same time you’d receive a knock on your door. And you’d open and you’d find a note on the floor at your door. Sometimes you’d open to see what it said, other times you just threw them all in the trash without even opening it.

It was always the same message. Asking you to meet him at the bistro. After the first month, you began questioning yourself. Should you have given him a chance to explain himself before you left that night?

-

Life went on. By the second month, you were back to being yourself again. You had friends, and you went out each weekend and had fun. Each time you were out though, you always kept an eye out for a tall man with dark hair and blue eyes. You often wondered, what would you do if you ever came across Bucky casually and unexpectedly on the streets one day?

Would you stop and listen to what he has to say? Would you pretend he’s just another face in the crowd? Or would you just glare at him and move on? Besides, why was he still trying? Couldn’t he see you didn’t want anything to do with him anymore?

Okay, that was a lie. You died a little each time you heard the knock at your door each Friday night. You couldn’t fight the need to be with him, despite how pissed you were. You wanted nothing more than to just be in his arms again. Or have him hold you in his bathtub again, and kiss you and tell you there’s nothing to worry about because he’s there for you.

Oh you missed him.

 Three months passed this way. Each Friday night you would receive the note – which you tore apart. And you thought that as time would go by, all of it would hurt less. It did. But as time went on, you missed Bucky more and more.

Until one day you hit your limit. That’s it, I’m going to that bistro.

-

You walked in through the doors and the memories came flooding back in. One of the main reasons why you and Bucky used to love this place is because it was very lowkey and quiet. Never crowded and it was very cozy. The little bell rang above you as you walked in.

You scanned the place, your heart racing and then you were sure your heart skipped a beat once you finally saw him. Bucky, in the furthest corner of the room.

He looked at you like he was witnessing a miracle. He was indeed, he had been trying for three months to get you to talk to him. He called when you first left, then you blocked his number after the first try. Then he had his people look for you because he was miserable and he had forgotten how to live without you. He ended up finding the address to your apartment, but he didn’t want to be pushy, or invade your privacy too much. So he figured a handwritten note would do.

Little did he know that three months later, the little note would in fact bring you to him. He was blown away when he saw you walk in. Little brown, body hugging dress, a tan coat, boots – simple but enough to make him want to get on his knees and beg you to come back to him again.

He noticed your hair was longer, it looked great. You wore red lipstick now, you never used to before.

“Bucky.” you were conflicted as you greeted him as politely as you could. There was a pain in your chest. Was it a wave of nostalgia or was it just your heart swelling up with happiness now that you’ve finally met the man you loved?

Hi baby… “Y/N, hi.” He stood up and walked over to pull back your chair for you, like he always did no matter where you went.

You sat down and watched him as he took a seat right across you. He had waited three months for this, he didn’t want to waste any more time. So he got right to it.

“I know you’re hurt. I just need to you listen to me, and then you can… leave if you want to. But I deserve a chance to explain myself.” He spoke, looking down at his folded arms on the tabletop. Okay, he did deserve one chance.

Only upon hearing his voice did you realize how much you had truly missed him. He looked, just as broken as you were. His hair was a little longer, curlier. His eyes were the same, just more tired. His facial hair seemed a little not so well groomed. But he looked good nonetheless.

“Okay. Go on.” You kept your replies short because that lump in your throat wouldn’t let you talk anyways.

He took a deep breath and began. “I’m sorry.” He paused. “I should apologize because what I did was wrong, and you didn’t deserve to find out that way. I should’ve been open and honest about it.” his words brought you back to that first discussion you had in his study that one night. “But my intentions weren’t as petty as you were made to think.”

You were quiet.

He shook his head slightly, thinking back on everything. “I was scared to tell you about the… deal I made with the club. I was scared because you were the most perfect thing in my life. And I was completely in love with you and I couldn’t risk losing you. I needed you way too much. Still do.”

He looked up to find you looking down at your lap. He continued. “When I saw you that night, at the club, I didn’t know you had been involved with Thor before, as his sub. I found out later, when you told me.” This made you look up at him.

Oh.

He continued. “When I saw you that night I… my whole world changed. You were everything I was looking for. And I knew I had to take you home and keep you safe. I had to save you from that place, and from men like Thor.” He paused again, and exhaled loudly. “I never brought you home to show off to him, or as a trophy or whatever the hell he told you.”

His voice was calm still. Sincere, and he hoped to make you see his side of the story. Seeing you were still quiet, he continued talking. “Y/N, I love you. I love you more than I could ever put into words. And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner about what I did.” He paused. You couldn’t move your eyes away from his face. Oh Bucky…

“I thought you said we would tell each other things. Every little thing. Then how did you miss this, Bucky?” you spoke up finally. He hung his head low in shame. “This would’ve hurt much less if you had told me the truth on day one, rather than me finding out through Thor after I spent months loving you. Why did you have to hide such a thing?”

…I spent months loving you… “I was scared. I was scared that you would leave me. And back then I thought that when you do find out the truth one day, you would at least give me the chance to explain myself. Instead you just took off.” He sounded hurt. Then again, so were you.

You sighed, inching forward and making sure to keep your voice down. “I took off because I was heartbroken. And because I’ve been in that situation before where a man bought me and then fed me lies, I-,”

He cut you off. “I didn’t feed you lies! I-,”

You cut him off then. “I’m not done yet.”

He was quiet after that.

“As I was saying, I left because I didn’t know what else I should do. I felt betrayed, Buck. My past hasn’t been easy and you know it.” your words hurt him. “I thought… I didn’t…” you trailed off then took a deep breath and continued, “I couldn’t go through it. Not again. I had just been told that the man I love bought me just to assert dominance over his rival. What would you do, huh?” you waited.

He sighed. “Why did you have to believe him?” he asked, his voice a little shaky.

You scoffed. “I had no other choice. His words made sense at the time, and I was vulnerable and he knew just what to say to break me down. Besides, you had been lying to me, hiding the truth this whole time and Thor, despite being a pure evil person, was the one who told me the truth.” You paused, letting him feel the hurt that you felt that day, three months ago. “I had no other choice but to believe him.”

Bucky was quiet for a little while. Then he spoke up. “Do you forgive me? Don’t I deserve a second chance to make things right?” he asked.

You did forgive him. He did deserve a second chance. But…

You sighed. “Buck, if I go through something like that again, it will kill me.” You referred to the heartbreak.

Bucky reached out and grabbed your hand and held it in his. This was the first time in three months that he touched you, and it nearly made his eyes water. Fuck, he missed you. “Babe, this is you and I we’re talking about. You and I have a special bond.” He looked you right in the eyes as he spoke. “You are the love of my life, and nothing will ever change that.” he said, meaning each word. I love you, damn it!

I love you too…

“Buck…” you trailed off, not knowing what to say. You wanted so desperately to hold on to him. You lowered your eyes immediately, fearing you might start tearing up.

He let go of your hand for a brief moment, reached into the inside pocket of his coat and pulled out a long, rectangular box. “Come home. Come back to me, please.” He pushed the box towards you and you knew immediately what it was.

His collar.

Bucky had kept it of course, both the collar and the ring. But he decided not to bring up the ring just yet, one step at a time.

You looked down at the black box with a little bow on it. Your hands itched to touch it. You had missed it, missed having it around your neck. You missed how you used to wear it so proudly – proud that you were his. Bucky’s.

Bucky watched how you hesitated. You didn’t even open the box. Then you looked up at him and he caught the look in your eyes. Oh no…

“Bucky, I, um…” you trailed off, not knowing how to word it properly.

No. No. No. “You found another dom?” he asked, getting protective out of habit. You shook your head at him and sighed.

“He’s not a dom.” You answered. Bucky’s world came crashing down a second time. Oh fuck no…

“Who is he, then?” he asked, not caring of he sounded a little pissed off. How could you… just move on?

You shifted in your seat. “His name’s Steve. I met him recently, through a co-worker.” You answered, taking it slow.

I don’t care. I don’t care. You can’t be with someone else, you’re mine. Bucky’s inner thoughts were haunting him as you spoke.

“I decided to take a break from… all that, and try something a little more lowkey and normal this time. Steve and I are… supposed to be going out tomorrow.” You didn’t know why you felt guilty for saying so.

“Do you like him?” he asked, ready to punch that fucker already.

You chuckled dryly. “I met him once. We’ve been texting and stuff, and I don’t know what you and I are anymore so…” you trailed off. Once you said it out loud, you realized that you didn’t. You didn’t like Steve. No. You loved Bucky. You were just trying to forget him, but you couldn’t.

That’s why you agreed on going on a date with Steve in the first place – to try and forget Bucky, to try and move on. But now that you were here, in front of him with his collar which meant so much to you, right in front of you; you realized that you could never love another man as much as you loved Bucky.

“Oh.” Bucky was hurt and he didn’t even try to hide it. He didn’t know what hurt more; that you rejected his collar, or that you were trying to date other people and didn’t need him as your dom anymore. He chuckled, feeling sorry for himself. “Well, look who’s breaking my heart?” he tried to turn it into a joke but couldn’t.

No. I’m not, I still love you. I love you more than anything, Buck please…

“Bucky, I-,”

He cut you off. “No, it’s okay. You’re not wrong. It’s just that, I thought that you and I…” he trailed off. I thought that you and I would end up together like we promised. I thought we would get married and have a family like I always dreamt of. I thought that I would retire and raise our kids with you, in our home. He couldn’t stay any longer. “I gotta go, I guess.” He got up to leave and you were frozen in place.

Don’t go, I love you. Don’t go. “Bucky, the collar…” you wondered if he would take it with him, or would he just leave it here with you.

He sighed, chuckled and looked down at you. You remained seated as he took a step away from the table, ready to leave. “Throw it away on your way out. I… I can’t keep it.” he swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. He instinctively reached out and gently touched your face, grazing your skin with his knuckles. “Thank you for meeting me, and listening to me.”

Then he left. And you didn’t stop him, you were still processing all of it.

---

Bucky spent the entire night and the following day drowning in his sadness, lying on the bed which used to be yours, desperately holding on to all that he still had left of you. He shed tears last night, after he left the bistro. But now, he was just too weak to even cry.

He was broken.

You were in no better shape. After Bucky left, you picked up the collar and made your way to your apartment. You didn’t throw it, you couldn’t. Once you got home, your hands were a little shaky as you put the collar on and stood in front of the mirror.

Oh Bucky… I miss you.

 Saturday evening, Bucky heard a knock at the front door. He lazily walked downstairs and opened the door to reveal someone he least expected.

You.

You looked up at him. Red, watery eyes. His sweater was all wrinkled and his hair was a mess. You weren’t in that great of a shape either to be honest. He looked right at you until he finally realized that this wasn’t his mind playing tricks on him. It was actually you.

He wanted to just pulled you inside and give you a tight hug and never let you go again but he waited.

“Hi.” You said, surprisingly, sounding less hurt than you did at the bistro the previous night.

Bucky kept quiet. He frowned a little, remembering clearly that you said you were gonna go out today with what’s his name. “Don’t you have a date to go on to with your little boyfriend?” he sounded like a pissed off, middle aged dad.

You sighed, rolling your eyes and lowering them down because they began watering already. “I met the guy once. He’s not my boyfriend.” You paused and stepped forward just a little. You needed to be close to him so badly. “Besides, I had to come home to you.” you said and it broke him again. But in a good way this time.

You kept your eyes down and continued. “I realized last night that no matter how angry I am, no matter how much I try to move on or forget, no matter where I’ll go, I’ll always need you. I’ll always be yours, because… because I love you, Buck.” you bit your lip and held back a sob.

He couldn’t resist pulling you into his arms any longer. “Baby, come here,” he pulled you inside and closed the door behind you and gave you a tight hug. You wrapped your arms around his torso, tightening your grip around him as you pushed your face into his chest and cried.

“I love you, Buck.” you sobbed. “I love you so much. Please don’t let me go.” Your tears wet his clothes but he didn’t mind. You were here now, you were with him and all was well.

“I know, baby. I love you. And I’m never letting you go.” He cooed, kissing the top of your head. “You’re home now, it’s okay.” He tried to calm you down when he himself held back his tears.

You pulled away to look up at him with tears staining your cheeks. He wiped them all away and gave you a kiss on the forehead. “Don’t worry baby, I’m here.” He cooed and kissed down your damp cheek and down your neck. Then he noticed you were wearing his collar again and something in his shifted naturally. “You’re wearing my collar again.” he noted, holding your chin gently.

You nodded. You hadn’t taken it off since last night to be honest. Bucky gave you a look, one you understood all too well. And just like that, it felt like you two hadn’t spent three months apart.

“Would you want to go to my playroom, Y/N?” he asked, using his dom voice that you had missed so much.

“Yes, sir.” You answered, without hesitation.

 And that’s how you found yourself in Bucky’s playroom, cuffed to the big X-cross on the side of the room. He tied each one of your wrists and ankles to each end of the cross. He left your waist unrestrained and something told you he wanted you bound and restrained, but he also wanted to see you squirm. He had you blindfolded and you were left in suspense as he moved around the room.

You could hear him pick up things here and there. You could hear his footsteps getting closer then moving away again.

He finally approached you and gently touched your cheek. Your heart raced in anticipation. “Keep your safe words in mind, Y/N. I will not push your limits too much, however, you will not cum without my permission. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Oh how you had missed that voice of his.

“Do you know why you are here, Y/N? Why I’m having to correct your behavior?” he asked again, and this time you couldn’t tell if he was close by or far away because your own heartbeats rang in your ears.

You worded out your answer as best as you could, despite the nervousness and excitement, and impatience. “Because I left, sir. And because I chose to believe Thor and I got carried away by my emotions. I didn’t give you a chance to tell your side of the story. I should’ve trusted you and known that you would never do anything to hurt me, sir.”

Hmm. Bucky toyed with the suede flogger in his hand. Good enough baby, but…

You waited. He didn’t say anything, instead you just received a smack across the chest with what you knew to be the suede flogger. You gasped, not expecting it. It didn’t hurt that much, it tingled around your erected nipples.

“You’re right. But not entirely.” He spoke and you heard him step aside and you knew he went to pick something up. He approached you again. He stepped closer than where he stood earlier. You felt his warm breath right in between your breasts as he kissed his way up to your neck while positioning a plug right at your puckered hole.

You felt the coldness of the lube and the size of the plug as he pushed it more and more inside you. His lips brushed along your throat as he spoke up again, “Those aren’t the only reasons you’re here, Y/N.” pushed the plug further into you. Your body welcomed it in, desperate to fill the void. Any void, by anything. You relaxed your body as much as you could. But Bucky was making it hard.

He nibbled and kissed right at your most sensitive spots along your neck, whispering as he went. “You are here because you didn’t hear me out.” he managed to get the entire toy in you and his hand pulled away from you. But not his lips, they kept trailing along your throat and collar bones as he spoke.

“You’re here because I love you more than anything in this world and beyond. But you ignored all the love I gave you.” he paused, sucking on your skin before letting it go. “You’re here because you dared to even question the love I have for you.” he kissed along your jaw. “You’re here because in the past three months, there wasn’t a day where your memories didn’t torment me until I broke down completely.”

He kissed down to your breasts again. His words and the softness of his lips were making you lose your mind already. “I begged for you to come back. I was on my knees, screaming your name,” he kissed his way back up to your ear and nibbled on your earlobe, “but you never came back to me.” He purposely brushed his lips against your own. “You’re here because you abandoned me when I needed you the most.” He repeated. “I needed you, Y/N, and you weren’t here because you chose to believe a vile person over me.”

You were breathless and needy by the time he pulled away from you. “Sir, I’m sorry…” You whined. And you earned yourself another smack in between your legs by the flogger. You whimpered, you had forgotten about the plug. But the tingles left behind by the flogger reminded you that it was there, stretching you out, filling you up; snug and deep inside you.

Bucky chuckled, lifting his hand up and gently touching your lips with his finger. He circled your mouth, tracing it softly then dragged that finger down your neck, and in between your breasts and down your stomach and finally, he slipped it in between your legs. He toyed with your folds, his finger parting them with ease. You were soaking wet. “Sorry doesn’t make it better.” He whispered. “You were even on the verge of dating someone else, weren’t you?” He approached you, teasing your entrance with his finger. You moaned, squirming already. “Tell me, would you let him to all this to you?” his voice was deeper, dripping with lust.

You were quick to respond. “No, sir. I would not.”

Hmm. He tortured you even more by just gently pressing his finger against your entrance. You squirmed again, whining with your lips parted. “Would you let him touch you?” Bucky’s lips touched your skin again, near your ear where he whispered, “Would you let him please you? And do all the things that I do to you, huh?” he asked, taunting you. He knew damn well no one could ever satisfy you like he could.

“No sir, please...” you begged, whining.

He chuckled again, finally slipping his finger inside you. Then added another, stretching you out at the same time as the plug. Bucky curled his fingers and stroked you gently. You moaned out loud, squirming and tugging onto the cuffs as his brief touch sent electricity coursing through your veins. “You see? Your body remembers me, Y/N. It knows it belongs to me, and no one,” he leaned in closer to your ear, “No one at all, can touch it. You’re mine, you hear me?”

Oh fuck… “Yes, sir.” You were breathless, and you whined in discontent as he removed his fingers from you, mercilessly. Smack. Smack. You felt the suede flogger against your body again, on your stomach and your breasts this time.

“What color?”

“Green, sir.”

You were dripping already, legs shaking with how wonderful the plug felt but also because you craved him. His touch. You received a few more smacks from the flogger, then he got rid of it. He stepped closer to you on the cross again, his lips brushing faintly against your own as he spoke. “Do you know how miserable I was without you?” he asked, catching you off guard with how soft and quiet he sounded. Which was immediately followed by, “Would you like me to show you?”

You gasped, trembling. His words alone made you almost start to moan like a man woman. “Yes, sir.”

He stepped away. You relied on your hearing to make out where he was, or what he was picking up to punish you with. And then you heard it, the buzzing sound of the vibrator. Bucky walked over to you and placed it in between your legs; right on top of your entrance. You whined immediately as it made contact with your body.

The vibrations reverberated throughout your entire body, making you squirm and tug on the cuffs. You threw your head back and whimpered as he wiggled the wand a little and making you whine louder. You felt your body clench around the plug as he teased you.

“I missed you so much.” He said, softly as he pressed the vibrator further against you, mercilessly. Please…please…please you silently begged. “Do you know how that felt?” he asked, his voice calm but taunting. You didn’t answer, you couldn’t focus on anything. You involuntarily moved your body forward; against the vibrator. Bucky noticed, and he lifted the vibrator off you; denying you even a bit of release. You trashed around and squirmed, moaning again. “This is how it felt.” He hissed right in your ear.

You were still recovering from your denial when you felt a loud smack right on your thigh. You recognized that it was his riding crop. You yelped, not expecting it. He trailed the tip of the riding crop from your thigh, up to right in between your legs and gave you a little smack there, making you cry out again before he brought it up all the way to your breast.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Smack. You yelped. Bucky stepped closer and tilted your head back and kissed you deeply. More like invaded your mouth like he owned it; pushing his tongue past your lips and stroking the top of your mouth like it was nothing. You whimpered as he pulled away despite knowing you wanted more. “It’s so frustrating to want something so terribly, then just have it snatched away from you so mercilessly, isn’t it, Y/N?”

You earned yourself a spank right in between your legs when you didn’t reply. Your body clenched around the plug again, you moaned wantonly. “Answer me.” He sounded a little more stern.

“Yes it does, sir. Please…” you begged. He didn’t say anything. Instead, you felt the vibrator being pressed against your clit again.

Bucky pressed the vibrator further against your core, making you drip even more and moan louder, making you squirm and making your body beg for him. “I was yearning for you, my little pearl.” He sounded soft and quiet again. His actions anything but. He wiggled the wand around and make you scream louder. “I was alone. Broken and empty. I needed you but you weren’t here.” He moved the toy from between your legs, trailing it up your body, circling your erected nipples with the tip of the wand and then back down to where you craved it the most.

You were sure if it weren’t for the blindfold, you would have tears streaming down your face by now.

“Sir, please… I’m sorry. I should’ve stayed and listened. We could’ve worked it out.” You were breathless and whimpering. Bucky hummed at your response but then kept toying with you.

For quite a while, he kept at it. You begged him incessantly, but he denied you each time. He teased you and denied you your release like he owned your very being. Your pleas were incessant, and wanton. But he still wouldn’t give in. He kept going until your body trembled against the big cross. Until your pleas became incoherent, and your spit trailed down your chin. You were a mess.

He removed the vibrator off your body abruptly, deciding he had messed with you enough. You whined again at the loss of contact. No... please…

“Sir, please…”

You heard him carelessly throwing the wand and the other equipment on the bed before stepping closer to you. “It’s okay angel, I’m here now.”

You felt him kiss his way down your body; starting from your neck all the way down to your legs, where he untied your ankles. He kissed up your thighs again, then pulled the plug out making you squirm. Your wrists were both still cuffed to the cross as he lowered his pants, picked your legs up and wrapped them around his waist. His cock briefly brushed against your wet folds in the process and you whimpered.

“What color, Y/N?”

“Green.” Oh fuck… please.

Bucky had done his waiting, months of it. Now all he wanted was you. To remind you that you belong with him. All he wanted was to hear you scream as he makes you cum around him. So he wasted no time in aligning his throbbing tip to your dripping wet entrance.

He pushed himself into you; stretching you out. His nails digging into your skin as he held you by your hips, as he filled you up like always; making you whine and moan as he went. You were both gasping by the time he filled you up entirely. “You’re mine.” he growled in your ear. “Tell me.” He stayed still, allowing himself to feel your walls clenching around his cock. “Tell me you’re mine.”

You whined. Oh fuck… “I’m yours, sir please...”

Bucky started rocking in and out of you, without wasting any time. You felt all of him; your walls clenched around his thick cock as he started out with slow strokes and then gradually sped up into you. “You’re not going anywhere, you hear me?” he asked. And you nodded pathetically.

You felt all of him, the bumpy and the velvety skin of his length. He felt incredible as he stroked your walls with his pulsating cock. You were a moaning mess in no time. “Promise you’re never gonna leave me.” He hissed, speeding up into you, absolutely fucking you into the wall behind you.

You whined like a desperate brat. “I promise, sir…” you didn’t even know if you made sense anymore. Because in your head you didn’t. All you could think of was his cock, and how well it filled you up. He pushed his head into the crook of your neck and swore under his breath.

He fucked you relentlessly; earning more and more moans out of you each time his cock stroked your walls. You soon felt the familiar pressure forming; pressing inside you as the familiar warmth spread all over your body. You moaned wantonly.

Bucky nibbled at the skin under your ear and you lost all control you had left; your mind a foggy mess. Your clit rubbed against his pelvic bone each time he buried himself completely in you, and he soon quickened his pace; earning even more moans and mewls from you.

He pounded into you as fast as he could. He moaned right into your ear and the sound sent shivers down your back like it always did. “You’re all mine!” he growled again, biting down on your skin.

Your legs started to shake around him as he quickened his pace; pounding into you relentlessly. The pleasure built nicely as he took you higher… and higher… and higher.

“Sir, may I please cum?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. You were so thoroughly fucked out you could barely talk properly.

“Yes, angel. Cum for me, cum all over my cock…” he breathed into your ear. You couldn’t hold back anymore. So, you came undone around his cock; screaming. Walls clenching around him. Bucky’s thrusts became irregular and slower as he came right after you did, cock throbbing against your pulsating walls; moaning out loud when he felt your walls pulsating violently around him, both of you gasping for air.

“I love you, baby.” he said, breathless just as you.

“I love you more.” you responded.

 Your mind was hazy from there on. And you were only able to reorient yourself once he pulled you into his lap in the bathtub; both of you surrounded by warm water. And once you did, tears began escaping your eyes again.

“Are you okay, my little pearl?” he asked, tightening his arms around you.

“I’m sorry.” You sniffled, hugging him tighter. He kissed the top of your head.

“It’s okay baby. Don’t apologize. We’ll heal, both of us. And we’re gonna be okay, together.” He cooed, stroking your hair gently. You placed a soft kiss on his chest.

“I was so rash, and unfair.” You argued, softly as you pulled away from his chest.

He smiled at you, cupping your face. “You were angry and hurting, baby. You had every right to be. I messed up by not telling you the truth sooner. I should’ve be honest from the start.” He said, looking you deep in the eyes.

“I should’ve stayed. Just to give you a chance to explain yourself.” you argued back.

He shook his head. “You were protecting yourself from being hurt again. It’s okay, babe. We’re okay, look.” He leaned in to give you a deep kiss, proving to you that there was no hard feeling between you two anymore. He kissed down your neck, gently and you noted that your collar was off again. You smiled.

“I love you, Buck.” you said again. You would say it a thousand time but it still wouldn’t do justice to how much love you had for this man.

“I love you too, baby.” he kissed your forehead. “Tell me something,” he sat straighter with you still in his lap, “When you’re ready, and when we’ve both healed completely, and when I’ve made up for the mess I made,” he paused, “one day, you will marry me, right?”

You chuckled, leaning in to cup his face and kissed him on the nose. “I will.” you hugged him again, tighter this time. “Why do we always have these serious talks in bathtubs?”

He laughed. “I love you so much.” He mumbled against your neck. You said you loved him back, and Bucky could feel his heart healing already. And yours was too. This was all you both needed; each other.

It’s true then, huh. Bucky thought.

There was this thought in his head, which haunted him during the time that you were away from him these past three months. Turns out, it wasn’t haunting him – it was just a reminder. That at the end of the day, he was lost without you. He was incomplete without you. He’d even go to say that he needed you a tad bit more than you needed him.

It’s you, baby. It’s always been you.

His inner voice spoke up again as he held you in his arms in that bathtub, wondering if he’ll ever have enough time in this lifetime to even show you just how much you mean to him. He knew then, that instead of being the other way around all along, it was always you who had power over him.

[ragsweas]

Hobbit Fic Rec List!

MODERN AU!

Hello! I always wanted to share a gigantic list of awesome works in Hobbit fanfic, but realized they are too many. So let's start small. A few modern AU that everybody has to read!

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How to fall in love in 100 days by Kytanna

As their lives intertwine, Thorin, Bilbo, and their nephews learn the meaning of finding a family, love and the hard path towards healing. All, over the course of a hundred days.

A lovely piece with all the cuteness and fluff.

Softer Strokes by autisticalistair

Thorin is a well-known artist living a secluded life in the Swiss Alps. Bilbo is a former history professor living in a trauma rehabilitation centre after a devastating accident that took his parents lives. Through a mutual friend, Bilbo finds himself in Switzerland, and Thorin finds himself with company for the next few months, and neither of them are prepared for what that will bring.

I'll never say 'I love you' by JustReadingMaybeWriting

Bilbo is a veterinary student who one night saves the life a handsome but wounded man. Bilbo should have called an ambulance. If he had called an ambulance, he wouldn't be in this weird mess. He certainly wouldn't be falling in love with the man he saved, who can't seem to leave him alone.

This one's a bit dark, but I love it.

painted blind by nasri

The last time Bilbo stepped foot in Aberdeen it was with a broken heart and a bachelor’s degree. All things considered, this time isn’t so different.

Plan B by Drenagon

Plan B: an alternative strategy; a contingency plan, devised for an outcome other than the expected plan.

Or, sending an unqualified temp to act as Thorin Oakenshield's PA because no one qualified can put up with him.

(He'd say they can't meet his standards. Of course he would.)

Meet Bilbo Baggins. He just became Plan B.

One Modern!AU I always wanted to read and this is just it! It's amazing!! And the whole COmpany is there!!

A Land Far Away by Prollyaghost (Callmerin)

"If we were in a different time or place, this story may have begun with ‘once upon a time’, or even ‘In a hole in the ground, there lived…’ But as it so happens, we are in this time and place, in the outskirts of London, where there are no ‘once upon a times’ and the only holes in grounds lead to sewage tunnels. There does happen to be, however, a man who has dedicated a great deal of his life studying these ‘once upon a time’s. He is an English teacher, enjoys afternoon teas with homemade raisin scones, and he most certainly does not believe in fairy-tales.

His name is Bilbo Baggins, and that last bit about him is about to change."

Bilbo Baggins, an English teacher who has never been outside of England, suddenly finds himself thrust into an adventure when a strange man named Thorin Oakenshield requires his help to fulfil his father’s dying wish. Turns out studying the niche topic of the ancient, fictional society of dwarves was more useful than his parents could have imagined. Plunged into a forgotten land, Thorin and Bilbo must find the mythical Arkenstone, before the legends of the past come back to haunt modern society.

Okay, this one's a WIP, but damn the premise is super interesting and honestly can't wait for the next update!

Nothing Gold Can Stay by perkynurples

Bilbo Baggins led a rather peaceful life, thank you very much, until an old acquaintance decided to turn it upside down, and he found himself agreeing to take a job that’s… let’s say not exactly up his alley, and might eventually cost him a little more than his treasured cozy lifestyle. Who would have thought tutoring a slightly menacing monarch’s more than slightly overbearing nephew could prove to be such an adventure?

This is one of the fics that does not need an introduction. No matter how many times you read this, it isn't enough. And we all love Fili and Kili here.

What to do When Your Cat is an Asshole by lily_winterwood

“You have a cat?” asks the face on the screen. “Yes. His name’s Smaug, he’s orange, and he’s an asshole. Aren’t you, Smaug?” Surly Food Provider glowers at me, which, of course, I am immune to. “Aren’t you a little asshole?” I don’t see why he needs to call me that. My butthole is perfectly licked, and it smells wonderful.

The AU where Smaug is Thorin's asshole cat. Written for the Bagginshield Unexpected Anniversary.

This one's small, and hilarious and even better if you imagine Benedryl Cucumbersnatch narrating the whole thing

No Ordinary Love by badskippy

Bilbo and Ori have been best friends since they were ten years old and tragedy brought them together. Now, a new job, a sudden rainstorm, a chance meeting and budding romance with a burly, handsome stranger will not only alter their lives, but set in motion events that will change everyone around them, and reveal how lies, deceit and assumptions can leave deeper scars than the ones that can be seen.

WIP, unfinished, but damn was this an interesting tale. For anybody who loves angst, go give it a read!

Remember Me by thehistorygeek

Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield are destined to suffer. In every life they live, in every age, in every era, they meet, and this meeting brings back all the memories of the lives that have come before. But every meeting serves also as a death sentence, for once they have met, one of them is doomed to die soon after, usually tragically and prematurely. They remember nothing of their past lives until they meet, and once they have there is nothing that can be done to stop their fate.

For anyone obsessed with Reincarnation and/or History, this is it.

A Remover of Obstacles by MistakenMagic

"Dis often chided her older brother for being a misanthropist. She did it so often it had become a term of endearment. It was true that Thorin struggled with people; he struggled to form and maintain relationships. Dr. Grey had diagnosed him with this and Thorin hadn’t the heart to tell him this wasn’t a symptom of his PTSD, it was a symptom of his personality. He exercised a sense of apathy with almost everyone he met… But Bilbo was different. Thorin actually found himself wanting to know more about him."

Another fic that DOES NOT need an introduction. I have read it thrice and every time the emotions are still the same. Trigger Warnings, but damn this is all worth it.

An Unexpected Meeting by what_am_i_even_doing_tho

This is the chronicling of the modern day shenanigans of Bilbo Baggins, who is an absolute gay disaster, and Thorin Oakenshield, who is unashamedly enamored. Aka, the modern Bagginshield AU that no one ever asked for but they're getting anyway.

green and gilded by nasri

The next time he visits his parents there are flowers left in the grass, pressed back against the gravestone. They are yellow and white daffodils, plain and wilting.

“Who’s been to see you?” He asks, taking a single photo of the flowers with their drooping stems and curled petals and the wet winter grass that surrounds them. His mother would call it kind, his father might say it's curious, and Bilbo takes another petal to tuck into his pocket.

You know those stories that you read once and then they never leave your head? And somehow your whole life begins to revolve around that one story? Yeah, this is it. Spoilers in tag and I would suggest you read before advancing cause many people do not like it, but even if you are not in that group, just give it a read. This story deserves all the reads.

Bran' New Suit by pibroch (littleblackdog)

Andrew's description had been sufficient to recognize him— a riot of honey brown curls, short in stature, a well-favoured face with expressive features— but it hadn't quite been enough to prepare Tom for the sharp, almost painful tug in his gut at the sight of the man. They had never met before, to the best of Tom's recollection, but there was something eerily and inexplicably familiar about him all the same.

One of the first Modern AU I read and dauym...you won't get it until the end but then...it's fun.

Under New Management by frostyjack

Fili's life is pretty good -- he's doing well at university, he gets on well with his uncle and guardian Thorin, and he's never likely to know what it's like to be poor or unwanted. Then Thorin takes in a foster child -- Kili Oakenshield, a long-lost relative whose past is a total mystery. Suddenly, Fili's life gets a whole lot more complicated. But maybe it gets better, too.

Lots of trigger warning for this one, but when the end comes, you'll know it's all been worth it.

One-Sided Conversations by northerntrash

"Thank you for listening," Thorin said, getting to his feet. "I hope to be able to return the favour, one day."

The man on the bed didn't respond, but since he'd been in a coma for longer than Thorin had known him, that wasn't entirely surprising.

(Not Quite) Prince Charming by manic_intent

The problem, Bilbo would later tell Gandalf in aggrieved irritation, was not so much the unannounced visitors, oh no, but the fact that due to the lateness of the hour and sheer merciless fate, it came to be that at the respectable age of forty, Bilbo was being introduced to a real, live king while wearing striped pyjamas and fluffy slippers.

The Making of a Story by northerntrash

When Bilbo finds a case of old family photographs, he becomes determined to find the original owners: what he does not expect is to become quite so involved in their lives, or that those photographs should prove quite so important.

Misunderstandings and other obstacles for love by ylc

This series dammit! It's amazing, and the dynamics you would ask from a Modern AU.

Candle Glow and Mistletoe by euseevius

Bilbo and Thorin have been married for six months now. The thing is, Thorin’s family doesn’t know this. And because pretending to be just friends for the three weeks you’re going to spend at the family cabin is so much easier than telling the truth, that is what they will do.

(Of course Bilbo has his own ideas of how believable it is for a grown man to bring a friend to spend Christmas with his family. That’s why they make a bet out of it.)

For days you need to just laugh at these two idiots.

The Lost Kingdom of Erebor by Twisted_Barbie

AU. The Lost Kingdom of Erebor is shrouded in myth, likened to the heavens and compared to Atlantis. Until an archaeological discovery unearths that which was lost and awakens the Mad King from his cursed eternal rest.

Not a happy ending, and mysterious and you need to give it a read. Just, do it. It will all be worth it.

Of Palaces and Ruins by livelongandgetiton

Slow burn. Bilbo Baggins is a half-baked archaeologist who has put his dreams of adventure on hold to teach secondary school. Thorin is the grandson of a politically powerful figure in the historically rich and deeply isolationist country of Erebor. When he flees conflict and corruption in Erebor to settle in London, he finds his hands full with two young boys. Gandalf meddles, and Bilbo signs on as a personal tutor for the boys in hopes of getting a foot in the door to archaeological work in Erebor. He soon discovers that Thorin is a tough nut to crack. As Bilbo takes care of the boys he and Thorin grow closer, and secrets about not just the brooding stranger, but the mysterious country and politics of Erebor begin to unravel. It turns out that Bilbo isn't leaving adventure behind, after all.

WIP, updating. JUST READ IT!!!

Write Me Down Easy by lucyraebrown

Bilbo Baggins, a simple man with a wish for something more than his life teaching high school English, is obsessed with a famous author by the pen-name Oakenshield. Although he knows the future is dim for his chances of finding out about the man behind his favorite book, it's reassuring to know someone has the same thoughts about the world.

WIP, updating. It's mostly fuff and happiness, so yesss...feed your inner Bagginshield!

Show Me My Silver Lining by BiSquared

Three years after the hostile takeover of his grandfather's record label by one DJ Smaug, lead singer Thorin Oakenshield is ready to give up on his dreams, even if his band isn't ready to give up on him. If Thorin can convince talent scout Bilbo Baggins to sign them, they might just have a fighting chance. Of course, this is the night when Thorin gets stage fright.

The music industry AU no one asked for.

Love-In-Idleness by perkynurples       

Taking Bilbo Baggins, a successful movie actor who is only just getting used to the perks and intricacies of becoming A Face People Want To See, and putting him together with Thorin Oakenshield, with his very traditional (read: slightly backwards) ideas about what constitutes Real Art and Real Talent, might very well be viewed as just some clothead’s idea of a joke. But there are jokes, and then there are carefully calculated risks the size of controversial reproductions of classic Shakespearean plays - for Bilbo, it is the chance of a lifetime to prove himself to all those who have ever deemed him too one-dimensional to even attempt stage, while Thorin has the opportunity to get out of the rut that’s been hindering his career for so long now, and shine in a role worthy of his talent once again. That is if the two learn how to share the same space for more than ten minutes without wanting to tear each other’s hair out. The course of true love never did run smooth, after all…

Did I read this in one go? Yes I did. Did I fall in love with Bagginshiled all over again? Yes I did.

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And that's the list folks! I hope you guys have fun reading all of these nice fics! (And all the bagginshield angst/fuff)

[meta-shadowsong]

On The Scheherazade Job (Leverage)

Note: this is actually an essay I wrote a while back but never got around to posting; I am doing so now because there was a conversation on discord about classical music and my feelings about this particular episode came up.

As I discuss in greater detail behind the cut, I love this show a lot and my criticisms are mostly meant lovingly; and if they’re going to do an Orchestra Con Scheherazade is just. Too Thematically Perfect to not use (plus I love it so getting to hear it in one of my favorite shows was a plus). But. This episode, man.

So, let’s talk Leverage for a minute.

Overall, Leverage is an absolutely amazing TV show that I genuinely recommend everyone watch, especially if they’re into capers and/or found family tropes. The main and recurring characters are all great and I’m really, really excited  by everything I’ve heard re: Leverage 2.0 which I haven’t gotten around to watching yet, alas. I don’t spend a whole lot of time in the fandom (in part because I’m one of, like, two people who doesn’t ship the OT3) but what little I’ve dabbled in has also been pretty great/pretty chill. All around, it’s a Good Experience that I recommend everyone at least try.

Anyway. Uh. That being said, while Leverage is pretty close to perfect as far as TV shows go, and the episode quality is generally pretty even throughout all five seasons, there are a handful of episodes I don’t particularly enjoy. Two of them because they freak me out (the Grave Peril job and then the one with the creepy experimenting on homeless people); one of them just because it’s a very specific parody of a show/style of humor that I simply do not Vibe with (the Office job)…a few others for reasons I can’t recall off the top of my head but I tend to skip past unless I’m doing a Dedicated Rewatch. There’s also an episode that I adore even if it doesn’t quite feel like a Leverage episode exactly (the 1940s one). And, obviously, the bulk of the episodes are on a sliding scale of ‘decent’ to ‘I LOVE’ depending on the mark/the specifics of the con/which if any recurring side characters show up/etc.

But there is one other episode. That I really, really want to love. Because so much of it is Great. Nate being creepy, Hardison being awesome, a really cool vault for Parker to break into…

I’m talking about the Scheherazade job.

And I really, really do want to love it.

But it just. There are so many details. That are Wrong.

(is this how medical professionals feel when they watch hospital dramas lol)

Uh, some background.

I am a certified Orch Dork (which. Uh. Was that even a term outside of my high school???) My immediate family is heavily involved with classical music. My father is a published composer (some of his work premiered in the 80s) and taught music theory and composition at the university level before moving into music education advocacy. My mother, before retiring, was a freelance musician and also played in a major symphony orchestra for something like fifteen years, as well as maintaining a private studio and teaching at the university level. My sister went to a conservatory, and is now working as a music therapist, supplemented with teaching and (in the before times) freelance work. As for myself, I started playing piano and violin (and later viola) when I was a Very Smol Shadowsong; I was in school and youth orchestras for a good 8-10 years, through the end of high school/first year or two of college. I also did choir/voice lessons for several years, but that’s less relevant.

I have, in fact, played Scheherazade. Not the solo part (I was never that good), but I have played this piece.

My point is. I know what I’m talking about here. And. Ffffffffff, I really, really want to like this episode!

But that is not how any of this works!

Like. Okay. First of all, Scheherazade isn’t really the type of piece a guest soloist comes in for. That’s done for concertos, primarily (there are a few other cases, but they’re Specific Pieces (i.e., Beethoven’s 9th symphony which has a choir and vocal soloists) and/or pops concerts which are a whole different animal). Among other things, you might have issues with the union over this? I’m not sure of all the details that go into those contracts, but the thought does occur.

But, whatever, that gets handwaved because this is propaganda/the mark’s vanity project. If that was the only problem, it would fall neatly under suspension of disbelief and I’d roll my eyes and move on.

Second of all, that is. Really not how orchestra rehearsals are run??? Also, was Hardison only on that one piece, or was he concertmaster for the rest of the performance, too? Was the concert only Scheherazade? Because that’s really short for a professional orchestra. Yes, it’s a long, multi-movement piece; about 45-50 minutes, but…like…that’s one half of a concert. Most concerts, at least the ones I’ve been to, have a short work (an overture or something) and then a long work (a symphony, a suite, a concerto, a symphonic poem like this one), an intermission, and then a second half with a similar makeup. Maybe an encore. There are exceptions, of course, especially when doing, like, a Themed Week (and pops concerts, but, again, those are a whole different animal).

But, like, you see my point, right? Unless Hardison was only joining the orchestra for Scheherazade, and their regular concertmaster was resuming their position for the rest of the concert (which would be super weird; Scheherazade isn’t a concerto and, again, you don’t usually bring in a guest star like this but—well, like I said before, propaganda/vanity project, we can handwave that), then he also needs to rehearse all the other pieces on the program, too. Plus, like, even if he wasn’t, the conductor and the rest of the orchestra (…mainly the conductor; orchestras are not democracies lol) are going to need/want to at least run through the piece once or twice with him, to make sure tempos are correct, balance is correct, everyone’s following along correctly, etc. Especially since—well, I’ll get to that later, when I talk about the piece itself.

Tl;dr: walking out of the rehearsal like that just because he obviously knows his part and he doesn’t need to rehearse? Not A Thing That Would Happen.

Third! The orchestra, as it’s shown, is not the correct instrumentation for Scheherazade. And, like, fudging it is a thing that happens when orchestras are worked into TV shows because Reasons but…like…there are some Very Key Instruments that are missing from that stage. Like, for example, there’s no harp. Why is that important?

Well, that brings me to point the fourth: that is not how Scheherazade works! The whole piece of music that the con is built around! Does. Not. Work. Like. That.

Yes, the concertmaster is featured—but they’re featured throughout, sort of ‘playing’ Scheherazade in interludes between the movements/an introduction at the beginning/etc. (Like. I just double-checked, and there are at least three in the first movement alone.) It isn’t one big solo at the end. In fact, the one at the end is one of the simpler/easier ones.

Also? The violinist isn’t the only soloist. Remember what I said earlier, about the mysterious invisible harp? About how Hardison ditching rehearsal really does not make sense? The first concertmaster solo is basically a shared/duet cadenza between the concertmaster and the harpist! I’m pretty sure some of the others are like that, too! And, like, yes, a good harpist will be able to follow along regardless of what weird-ass shit the concertmaster pulls but doing that for the first time in the actual performance is. Well. Bonkers. And Does Not Happen. (Barring, like, either the concertmaster or the harpist getting into a car accident on the way to the concert hall and someone has to fill in, I guess, but that’s obviously not the case here so. Like. You see my point???)

There’s also a pretty significant featured part for the principal cello, and I want to say one of the horns, and one of the winds—maybe bassoon or clarinet? It’s been a while. But my point is, while the concertmaster stands in for Scheherazade and it is a hugely featured/famous violin part/at least one of those cadenzas will Probably be on at least one orchestra audition (not a guarantee, but they’re Common), a) they are not the only soloist; and b) they have solos throughout the piece.

(Also, much pettier detail, but generally speaking, you don’t stand up for these solos, you stay in your seat and play them. You’re only standing in front of the orchestra for stuff like concertos. But, again, that could probably be handwaved because vanity project/propaganda/whatever. Little weird, but not, like, on the level of the rest of it.)

…yeah. So. Uh. I really do want to like this episode. And there’s a lot to love in it! The mark/the setup for the con is interesting, the Italian shows up to be pretty and mysterious, there’s a cool vault, and Scheherazade is a gorgeous piece that I’m always happy to hear.

But there are. So many things wrong. With how they do it. That the Orch Dork in me gets cranky, lol.