#anyway i need to go to my grandma's for the day but i've been sitting on this for a while so here we are

[fabbyf1]

*taps microphone* is this thing on?

oh, hello.

it's me, yah girl.

you'll never guess what grandma's been up to.

after avoiding my google docs for weeks months, i have finally dusted them off and started writing again. i'll be honest with you guys: i've gone through a lot of ups and downs with writing recently, where i loved it one day and hated it the next, which is why i took such a massive break. i don't like to post things i'm not proud of, and don't fully believe in, so i'm glad i took some time away to do other things and not let writing fanfiction ruin my mental health.

but now? WE'RE BACK BABY. i followed troy bolton's advice and got my head in the game and thought to myself, what would bring you joy to write? and there was really only one answer to that question.

lestappen.

so that's what i've done.

i set out to make this a one-shot pwp, and if that's what i decide it's going to be, then it's pretty much complete right now and just needs an edit. but i think i'm gonna try to add more onto it over the next couple days and make it a short story instead.

it won't be anything massive like long live or vapor, but maybe a little more than a one-shot.

happy charles on pole day, besties. thank you for sticking by me while i got my life together.

snippet under the cut.

context: friend-charles has a bad hook-up and asks friend-max to give him an honest blow job review

Charles stretched his neck to the left and right as if he was about to hop into his car. 

“Do you always stretch before giving someone a blow job?” Max asked, ignoring the sweat that was forming around his hairline. 

“Fuck off,” Charles said lightheartedly. He brought his hands up and hesitated for just a moment before resting them gently on Max’s knees. Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird. Max was proud when the muscles of his thighs didn’t twitch or anything at the contact. “Now move your hand out of the way,” Charles instructed, looking down at where Max was covering himself.

“You’re bossier than I thought you’d be,” Max said, trying to sound as normal as possible. 

“Is that right?” Charles asked, hands still gripping Max’s knees. “Do you think about me often, Max Verstappen?” 

“I—” Max squeaked, which was somehow more embarrassing than sitting with his cock out. He glared at him as he said, “Fuck you.” Charles looked delighted by his words, which only made Max narrow his eyes further. “Don’t make me regret this,” Max warned, finally letting his hand fall to his side. 

Charles looked at where Max was lying soft against his thigh. “Do you need me to flirt with you or something?” 

Max scoffed. “No, asshole, I don’t need—” 

“Ohhh, Max, you’re so handsome,” Charles cooed in a high-pitched tone anyway. Max’s jaw dropped open in shock. “You’re so big and strong and fast,” Charles continued, batting his eyes at him in an exaggerated way that would be comical if he wasn’t on his knees. “Mister three-time world champion with a big dick and a—”  

Max’s cock twitched, and they both saw it happen. 

“Oh my god,” Charles said, gasping loudly before cackling. “Oh my god, that actually did it for you?” 

“No!” Max snapped, covering himself again with his hands. “Fuck you! It was a coincidence!” But he wasn’t even sure if Charles could hear him over his roaring laughter.

This might be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to him.

He always knew that Charles Leclerc would be his downfall, but he never expected it to be over a blow job.

[nova-alien-rants]

sometimes it can be really fucking scary to achieve the things you've always wanted.

i think i need to put this out there not just for myself, but for anyone else who may be having a hard time coping with change in their lives, even if it's for the greater good.

this past wednesday was genuinely a really hard day for me. like, really really fucking hard. one of my best and oldest friend bailed on me along with her entire family which i considered to be my own, my parents acted disgusting toward my brother and tried pulling the same shit on me, i came back to my dorm after 40 minutes of driving to discover someone came into my room and touched my shit, and then had some stupid freshman act like a brat when i brought it up to the RAs. i haven't felt as low in a LONG time as i did by the end of that day.

but while i was driving back to campus, feeling completely alone and like i had no one to talk to, my grandparents ended up calling just to chat. i was crying so hard that i couldn't stop myself and spilled everything that had happened to me that day, and to my surprise, they were... really nice. they comforted me and even offered for me to move in with them once they get settled in their new house. i told them i felt really worried about how my parents would take the news of me moving, but my grandma said not to worry about that and she'll take care of it. for once i'm actually glad the people in this family are crazy.

all i've ever dreamed about for as long as i can remember is getting away from my parents. no longer living with them, no longer being controlled by them, no longer being physically and mentally broken down by them. my life goal has been to break free from my parents permanently. not a career, not material possessions, none of those things can ever come close to that goal. but now that it's happening, i'm filled with a kind of fear i've never experienced. there's so much uncertainty about literally everything in my life now.

will this thing with my grandparents' house even work out? how will my parents react to it? how am i going to manage to move all my shit into my grandparents' house even if i am able to stay there? what will happen when next semester starts? if i move in with my grandparents, my parents will cut me off financially and i won't have any help paying for my university tuition and/or housing. how will i finish my degree? how will i be able to afford going to graduate school? how will i pay for my medical bills?

i know in time all of these questions will become trivial, and i'll be able to look back eventually and be able to laugh about the fact that i was ever worried. the universe always works in my favor, even if i can't see it at the time. things always seem to have a funny way of working out but it's scary in the moment to not know what's going to happen. i'm a person who desperately craves stability and concrete plans in order to function, so all this uncertainty is... a lot to deal with.

but i think all this is happening so i can shed my old life and start another chapter in which i can finally heal for good and stay that way. even if our old lives suck, we can get used to them anyway and changing them can be absolutely terrifying. i think that's why leaving one's comfort zone can feel so hard. we don't know what to expect, so how are we supposed to protect ourselves in the event that something goes wrong? but i've come to believe that things don't go wrong, they simply don't go the way we expected them to. and that's scary, but it's also okay to sit with that fear. everything happens for a reason.

i'm not one of those people who will say to just "be happy" under circumstances such as these, even when your feelings may seem irrational and/or confusing to you. we're human, we're not fucking robots. we can't go through life stone-faced. change is hard. it's scary. it's overwhelming and full of so many questions no one may ever have the answers for. it's okay to take some time to cry, to scream, to get those feelings out. our brains are trying to keep us safe, and it's our job to let our brains express themselves. not every feeling has to be rationalized. it doesn't all have to make sense. sometimes it's okay to Just Be.

i personally believe that the world would be a much better place if we all took more time for ourselves to really feel our shit, because that's the only way it's going to get processed and let go. if you're someone like me whose BPD makes every feeling seem like a nightmare straight from hell, or whose alexithymia confuses you about what you're even feeling, that's okay too. again, you don't have to have all the answers. let yourself cry. let yourself lie on the floor. let yourself engage in your comfort activities. let yourself rest.

change isn't supposed to be all sunshine and rainbows. it's hard work, but it will all be worth it in the end. after every single one of my darkest times, i found myself shining brighter than i ever did previously. i don't know why we have to go through certain experiences, but it will all make sense one day. every single person on this earth has trauma, even if they may not have been abused or deal with a form of a post traumatic disorder. we're all just oversized children who are scared and need a hand to hold as they navigate life. we're human, and we're allowed to feel. we're going to get through this.

there's a reason why people say bravery is being scared while doing it anyway. change really is fucking scary, regardless of how good it may be for us. i'm going to keep saying it. hold your breath and do the thing anyway. let yourself be scared. feel that fear. make room for it and live with it. your brain loves you and is trying to protect you, even if it seems misguided. it's doing its best to be there for you, so you may as well at least humor it, right? how beautiful is it that your brain loves you enough to constantly try and protect you, regardless of the circumstance? i think it deserves love back. love those parts of you which have always loved you.

you're going to make it. you love you.

[lazzarella]

Every episode is over too quickly, even though they're mostly getting longer ;__; anyway, back again with my rambling nonsensical notes!!!

- Aww! Baby!Dee!

- Gah, they're so sweet (visiting the little boy)

- "At least it reminded me I hadn't been forgotten" Ouch!! Guessing Dee's parents were quite absent when he was a kid? (Though I guess we don't know yet when they died)

- holy crap, these two gazing at each other when they're taking a photo with the little boy lmao at least Yak was paying attention

- How can Yak still be Dee's patient when everyone knows they're dating?

- "One month, five days, etc." DUDE!!!! Are you— I just can't...

- lol @ Dee not remembering Yak's birthday! But I did! XD (really should have posted that screenshot of his file that I've had saved in my drafts since ep 1... Sigh)

- "Find joy in becoming someone else in your own way"

- I love Kao <333

- Yak sulking and taking Dee's drink was so cute :3

- bloody hell, Yei just pulling Cher onto his lap like that O_O

- "You wear size 56?" I LOVE YOU, GRANDMA!

- Ahhhhh! Yak's face when grandma says he must be the reason Dee's watching boxing now!!! He's so pleased!!!

- lmaoooooo the giant dick plushie!!! (That bloody thing haunts me on aliexpress btw!!!! I can't search for anything without it popping up, as it were)

- look, I know I always gush over how soft Yak is but seeing him cuddling Ice Bear was almost too much for me

- "I've gotten used to having you in my arms" WHO SAYS THAT, YAK?? WHO???? Not fake boyfriends that's who!

- And now he's pouting because he wants to cuddle!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh

- And then he brings up Taem. Well done! lol

- (Okay, it's clear—or, well, likely—he's just clinging to his crush on Taem any time his feelings for Wandee rear their pretty head(s), but... Jeez, dude!)

- And Dee's face? His response??? He's not talking about Taem

- "Let's find something fun to do!" I love you, Grandma!

- Yak taking a video of her ;__;

- Okay, her all black outfit is super cool! And she's wearing creepers!! I think...

- Yak referring to himself as Dee's boyfriend at the cemetery... *pinches bridge of nose* I can't handle much more of this. And Dee's deflection! Ahhh. The way they're both dealing with their developing feelings is so interesting and delicious to watch

- oh that outfit does not suit Yak…

- I wonder if Yei is doing underground fights for $$$ to help the gym??? And that’s why he didn’t get physical with Cher. Idk

- Yak offering to help Dee again <33333

- There really is purple and yellow everywhere! (The cardboard Taem was carrying)

- I need a comparison between Taem's reaction when Yak grabbed her hand (not really comfortable) vs when he grabs Dee's hand!!!

- And Yak could be spending more time with Taem but he already had plans with Dee! Gosh, he's just... Oh, that boy!

- Ahhh! They're baking! They're having a flour fight! They're flirting over food again!!

- (Is this the first time we've seen Dee in the elephant pants too?)

- Holy shit, the audacity of Ter taking Kwan to the same restaurant and are they sitting at the same table???????

- so many short shorts and cut off tees and I'm not complaining

- awww! The tiny drink buddy dude has a name!

- The TENSION when they're listening to Fluke's song though??? JFC. You need a ginsu to cut through that

- YOU HAVE SWEET EYES??!!! No comment. I just can't lol

- smooch blocked by the oven timer! lol they really were going to kiss that time, though

- Ahhhhh, Dee looks so happy!!!!

- Yak taking and posting a photo of Gooddy on his glass was adorable :3

- (ngl, with them standing so close to the edge of the balcony, I was envisioning Gooddy going over the side lol)

- love them plugging the new line stickers in the toothbrush bit

- YoryakWandee vs WandeeYoryak is giving me duck season vs rabbit season lol

- Ahhhh! Next week's preview!!! How am I meant to wait???

[eartheats]

phew! hiya guys! hopefully y'all haven't missed me too much!

...

given that i've been home for a week now and i kinda forgot rotomblr was a thing from bein' on the grindstone, though, i can't say i'd blame y'all if ya did. ^^;; oopsies! only one i've really been talkin' to as of late is family and miss amarys, outside'a workin' stuff

but i wanted to let y'all know i got home nice and safe!!! if i didn't, i'm pretty sure my friends would'a seen to it for sure!!!

but wow. i gotta admit, after not bein' home for so long, i really have missed it here! blueberry and hoenn have been nice, but y'all gotta see the work that mads and jacques did while i was gone!!!

[pictures: there are a few of them so let's go one by one!

first: a picture of the interior of ren's house, which is pretty small, all things considered. there seems to be a place for bouton and coriander to root themselves in and it's well maintained, and it looks like it got a little touch up with some decorative flourishes.

second: a picture of ren's TV, sitting atop a dresser. a playstation one can be seen on the floor, and there's a small bit of shelving showing a few different games. eagle eyed viewers can see atelier marie: the alchemist of salburg, barbie: race and ride, and every need for speed game released on the console pretty close up, and they're well worn like they've been played often.

third: what seems to be a brand new couch and chair. the chair sits normally, but the couch sits rather low to the floor; lulu can be seen placing half of himself onto it, eyes closed in what seems to be bliss. the chair appears to have a pillow on it with an arbok pattern, along with a pastel pink orthworm plush draped over it.

fourth...strangely enough looks like a bedroom, but it seems to have been stripped of any personal belongings. there seem to be a few boxes to the side of a surprisingly large bed, where it seems that a recognizable metagross, linux, has taken over rather gladly. the bed frame itself seems to have, uh, not been ready for this, but if the metagross cares (if they didn't do it themself), it's not apparent, at least. if one looks closely, they can see some patched up holes in the walls...]

haaaaaa...i won't lie, steppin' into my old parents room was. kinda panic inducin' at first. it still feels like a space that ain't ever gonna be mine, and...i think i'm makin' my peace with this becomin' a guest room instead'a ever gettin' one of my own. but as ya can see, i'm treatin' the first guest like a king!!! 😌 the bed was gonna need to be replaced anyway, but i guess i see where mom was funnellin' money into. that bed's apparently some bougie ass shit, but i'm gonna replace it once i go back to blueberry for sure.

[picture: a young man with an impressively custom tailored pink suit has a florges beside him, who seems to giggle at the camera. to his side, a pink haired woman with her hair tied up in standard paldean pokemon nurse style in what can only be described as a grandma dress with a cardigan over the top of it, with a Flareon nestled by her legs.]

also!!! jacques and mads went off to sinnoh just a few days ago for the start of contest season!!! i heard he won the jubilife ribbon with ease, and he and mads are makin' their way to floaroma right now to take part in the next qualifier. they're keepin' me updated and it seems like they're takin' the world by storm! apparently he stopped off along the way and picked up an old partner of his from his parents too, so minerva ain't a one woman show!

but yeah! uh. between work and stuff i'll still be a lil busy, but i wanted to let y'all know i'm okay! and to expect some nice pictures soon, heehee!

[sugar-omi]

I've been thinking. What does demon!Cove do whenever a sermon or some activity during church time happens? Does he spend his time in a room or is he invisible so he can wander freely? Could he change his appearance? My friend and I were just discussing on how Cove would disguise helping as some kind of helper for the church (i think they're called ushers?) to avoid suspicion. Then we brought up the idea of what would happen if MC was talking to a priest raving about how demons need to be persecuted and that their church (mc's church) is a safe haven from all things bad.

And Cove is just right there, standing beside you or behind the priest. Smiling innocently but knowing full well he's about to ruin this old priest's day.

he'd do all of that

first he'll hide, or turn invisible bc he got tired of watching everyone pray and rant n rave about the oh so evil satan!!

but some days he's tired of masking as an usher or church goer (a grandma once asked why he was snickering, we're supposed to be reading the bible and listening to the holy word!! n he could stop laughing long enough to lie so she hits him w her paper fan)

NSFW route: he'll have you around some corner and has his fingers buried in your insides as you read the Bible, mocking you and your stuttered words.

SFW route n he'll do this anyway, he'll tell you about what actually happened. points out all the inconsistencies and hypocrisy...

will even do it while you're sitting in the very back of the pews, trying to tune him out.

mmm another nsfw thought, he'll mask as a human save for his tail and has his tail... other places. and tells you to try not to squirm or make noise while the priest is going on abt section 5, something something, cove wasn't listening bc you're distracting him! stop be naughty and let him learn the word of God won't you? don't you want him to turn a new leaf? how can he change if you're squirming and whining n gasping. God, the nerve of some people...

[nicistrying]

Sat 31st Dec 23

Ending 2023 on a high after a long, stressful Christmas week. We ended up staying at Matt's parents' from Christmas Eve through to yesterday bc they only live 5 mins from the nursing home where his grandma was dying. So we went to sit with her every day to look through old pictures, talk about her favourite memories, and towards the end just to keep her company and hold her hand because she was too exhausted to do anything or even speak. It was so sad and the one thing she said was that she just wanted to drift away peacefully so it was awful to see her distressed and uncomfortable for almost a week as she deteriorated. But I think it meant a lot to her that we were all there at some point every day just so she wasn't alone. She died the 28th so we spent the 29th with his family and tbh everyone was just so relieved she wasn't in pain any more. And because they knew it was coming they had already come to terms with it. So it kind of felt like a peaceful day rather than grieving. We all just relaxed, I just sat around reading my book all day bc I had been doing as much housework at our house as I could to avoid us coming home to an actual bomb site, and also at his parents' so they didn't have to do it after spending 8 hours at a time at the home. We came home last night to have one night together in our own home with our shiny new TV that all Matt's brothers chipped in for us for Christmas bc our old one was really on its last legs. Matt was working a late shift at the hospital so I spent all night unpacking, doing laundry and cleaning to get the house straightened up a bit.

Today though, we had a lie in together (got up at 8.30!!) and woke up to a gorgeous sunny day so we both took Mags out for a lovely long walk. Had lunch and a cuddle on the couch, then Matt went up to do some uni work before we go to his brother's for NYE tonight with the rest of the family. I did more housework and then finally got to work out - I've been craving exercise all week but had an awful period and walking Mags for 20 minutes at a time was painful enough, and obvs we were spending as much time with family as we could. Despite everything, we did actually have a lovely Christmas Day. Just my dad was a dick both times I saw him over the holidays which is exactly what I expected therefore not worth getting upset about.

Anyway, it felt great to have a more normal day today and to get a proper workout. I did legs - strength followed by 25 mins on the bike which I'm just finishing up as I'm typing bc I need to go get ready for tonight.

Outfit for tonight after about 10 changes

Hope everyone has a great NYE with your loved ones!

[justm3di0cr3]

Anyways sending this bc Addie told me I should... It's very big guys it's 2k words don't tell me I didn't warn ya💀 @viilpstick

Anyways this happens like a few years after Daisy and Ruggie graduate NRC, Daisy is living in the Shaftlands (I think) with Trein as he decided to be her guardian while Ruggie is working and still living with his grandma at Sunset Savannah; Daisy is planning to move there so they can see each other more often and end the long distance aspect of their relationship (yes I thought about this way too much)

"I'm home.” Ruggie said, taking off his shoes and stretching his arms. His ears twitched at the sound of footsteps getting closer fast, was his grandma running? He told her to take it easy…

They continued to get louder until the familiar face of his girlfriend showed up at the end of the hallway, a big grin on her face as she looked at him and he stared at her in shock and confusion.

“Don't just stand there, give me a hug!” Daisy joked, opening her arms right after, and Ruggie ran towards her, holding her tightly in his arms and nearly making them fall in the process. The blonde laughed at him and kissed his shoulder. 

“When did you get here? I thought you would come visit next week.” he separated himself from her, but kept her in his arms, his hands caressing her face as she leaned into his touch. 

“I decided to make a surprise.” Daisy smiled. “Mozus told me I could visit you guys sooner, especially since I've been planning to move to Sunset Savannah so…” 

“I still can't get over the fact that Mr. Trein basically adopted you.” Ruggie laughed at the memory. “Don't call him by his first name, it feels weird.”

"Oh shush, he likes it when I call him by his name. So get used to it, will you? He’ll be your father-in-law one day.” Daisy stood on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss, Ruggie chuckled.

Father-in-law, huh…

“I see you two are catching up already.” Granny Bucchi stood at the end of the hallway, hand on her mouth as she laughed at the couple in front of her. 

“Grammy, how long have you been there?” Ruggie complained, embarrassed, separating himself from Daisy but still holding her hand, as if if he let go she would run away. 

“Enough time, enough time… now come my dears, dinner’s ready!” The old woman slowly but surely made her way to the kitchen, as Daisy ran to help her walk and Ruggie followed behind with a smile on his face. He couldn't believe his two favorite people in the entire world were with him right now… 

“Don't worry, Ruggie, I brought all the food with me. I basically forced granny Bucchi here to not waste anything from your stock.”

“Oh, nonsense, I would’ve gladly used our food to make a meal for my grandson’s girlfriend.” She said as she pinched Daisy’s cheeks, making the girl giggle. “You deserve every inch of it.”

“Don't waste your breath, Grammy… Daisy never listens.” Ruggie teased after pulling her and his grandma’s chair, letting them sit down first. Daisy stuck her tongue out to him in a childish manner, and the whole room was filled with laughter and joy as they ate a wonderful meal together.

Truly, this was heaven.

•••

“Sorry ‘bout that, we really don't have any other rooms… not a big house, as you’ve seen…” Ruggie apologized as he helped Daisy set her baggage in his room, the blonde followed him, embarrassed to have to go to sleep in the same room as him.

“That's totally fine, really. There's no need to apologize.” Ruggie gave her a soft smile, going to his small wardrobe and taking out a thin sheet, setting it on the floor as a makeshift bed. “Wha- love, what are you doing?”

Ruggie’s ear twitched at the affectionate nickname. “Preparing a place for me to sleep. You can sleep on my bed, I don't mind.”

“What? No, you don't need to do that! We can just sleep together.” Daisy said, matter of factly, but after Ruggie stared at her with his eyes widened, she blushed and looked away, finally realizing the meaning of her words. “I mean- I-I mean literally sleeping! I wou-wouldn’t want you to sleep on the floor at your own house!” Daisy fidgeted with her fingers as Ruggie’s eyes softened and he started to chuckle. “O-or if you're not comfortable I could sleep on the floor…”

“That's out of the question!" Ruggie said, then, he folded the sheet once again, setting it aside and grabbing his girlfriend’s hands. “Sure. Let's sleep together. If you're ok with it.”

Daisy still refused to make eye contact, but nodded, squeezing his hands in return. Ruggie smiled at her and guided her to his bed, telling her he would change in the bathroom and that she could have the room to herself so she could change and they could go to sleep. With that, he left with a few clothes, leaving Daisy alone in his room.

After the girl got changed, she sat on his bed, waiting for Ruggie to return. She looked around his room, it was small, somehow very similar yet very different to his former room at NRC… she looked at his worn down night stand, smiling at a picture of him as a child and his grandma. She giggled at how cute he was as just a kid, he really did grow up to be such an incredible man.

She tilted her head, seeing something with a velvet texture behind the frame. Carefully, she grabbed the object, realizing it was a box, and her heart started beating at the sight of it. Why would Ruggie have a velvet box in his room? Could it be-

No. She mustn’t get carried away.

Well… but there wasn't harm in making sure, right? She opened the box carefully, scared it could somehow break. Daisy's brown eyes widened in shock as she gasped, a hiccup following it right after. 

Inside there stood a small golden ring, very simple, with a few details adorning it. There was no jewel, but it was beautiful regardless, its simplicity being enough to make Daisy’s heart skip a beat.

Wha- was Ruggie- no. They were so young still, he couldn't- he probably didn't- I mean-

Another hiccup.

“Daisy.” Ruggie’s voice was heard from behind the door and the girl immediately put the box right where she found it. She started fanning herself to calm down and to make the obvious blush on her cheeks go away. “Can I come in?”

“Yes–” she hiccupped again and Ruggie laughed as soon as he got in.

“You’ve got hiccups?” Daisy nodded, looking away from him and staring at her hands. She couldn't face him after seeing what she saw. “You want me to bring you a cup of water or?”

“N-no, I'm alright–” another one. She put her hand in her mouth as she frowned. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Let's just go to sleep.”

With that, Ruggie decided to let the subject die, climbing onto his bed and laying down with Daisy by his side. They laid a bit far from each other, — or as far as they could, given that just like the actual house, Ruggie’s bed was very small — Daisy fidgeting with the thin blanket and looking in the opposite direction from where Ruggie was. The man in question looked at his girlfriend in confusion. 

“Why are you so far away?”

“I'm not.” Another hiccup. Ruggie chuckled and grabbed her face gently, making her look at him. 

“Come on, we’ve cuddled in bed before, it's not that different, really.” The hyena beastmen opened his arms and Daisy stared at him, her cheeks flustered. She slowly got closer to him, making herself comfortable in his arms, and basically melting into him as he started playing with her hair. “Why are you so nervous? If you're uncomfortable I can sleep on the floor. I really don't mind.”

“It's not that.” she said, squeezing him tight as she glanced at his night stand. “I… Ruggie, c-can I ask you something?”

“Anything ya want.”

“What… what's up with the ring on your night stand?” Ruggie’s hand stopped moving and scratching her head, he was frozen as he realized he was caught red handed.

“Uh… what ring?”

“Ruggie.”

“Alright, alright, you got me!” He said, rolling to lay on his back as Daisy stayed where she was, staring at the beastman laying next to her. His cheeks were red and he looked extremely nervous, his ears couldn't stop moving and Daisy smiled, he looked really cute. “I… I bought that a few months ago…”

“Months?!” Daisy sat down on the bed, looking down at him in shock. “You had it for months?”

“I wanted time to think about how I would ask you, ok?” He pouted, his blue eyes staring at her. “I've been saving for it ever since I left NRC, I figured I’d want to buy a ring one day so I could ask for your hand…”

“Right after– you're crazy.” Daisy chuckled nervously, a hand on her mouth trying to hide her sheepish smile. 

“A guy needs a plan of life, ok? Is it that surprising to think about marriage when you’ve been dating for years? And it's not like I was gonna propose right after school, I just wanted to plan ahead.” Ruggie defended himself. “I had a whole plan to do it as well… now it's all ruined.”

“No, it's not.” the blonde said, laying on the bed again as she tried to encourage him. “You can still do it. What did you have in mind?”

“Well…” Ruggie started, looking at the ceiling as to avoid the woman’s gaze. “My plan was to cook you something nice when you visited next week…”

“You were gonna ask me next week?”

“Can I finish?” Ruggie looked at her as he chuckled and Daisy just pouted at him. “I would sneak the box in your pocket or your purse and wait until you found it just to mess with you a bit, so once you opened it I would do the whole cringy stuff of getting on one knee and blah blah blah–”

“It's not cringy, it's romantic! And even in your proposal you can't be normal, huh?” She joked and Ruggie turned his body to her as she laughed, a smile on both of their faces. “It's a cute idea though… you can still do it, you know.”

“I can't, you found out about the ring and about my plan, it's not going to be genuine anymore…” Ruggie sighed, closing his eyes in defeat. Daisy caressed his cheek, her thumb moving in circle motions making Ruggie purr. 

“Isn’t there another way to fix the situation? I do want you to ask me.”

Ruggie opened his eyes, his gaze locked with hers for a moment, until a mischievous grin formed on his lips. Daisy knew there was something up the moment he looked at her, but it was too late, a second later the man had moved on top of her, hands holding her wrists as he pinned her down, a smirk on his lips as he moved his face closer to hers.

“Well… I mean, there might be.”

Daisy hiccupped. Again. She thought it had gone away… Ruggie’s eyes widened in surprise as he giggled and she looked away, embarrassed by herself. His hand moved towards her chin, making her look at him, his clawed finger slightly touching her lip.

“Eléa.” He tried, and hoped that his pronunciation was correct this time, just this one time he wanted to say her name without mistakes… “I want to marry you.” The blonde held her breath. “So… will you?”

Hiccup. Ruggie laughed and Daisy told him to stop as she hiccupped again and the man laughed even more, his grip on her loosening. In annoyance, Daisy managed to free herself from him only to grab his neck and force him to move closer to her, kissing him right then and there. It wasn't very long, wasn't deep either, but it was full of love and affection, a demonstration of what she actually wanted to tell him, that she’d go absolutely anywhere as long as he promised to go with her. After all, he was her home.

“Yes.” She whispered between kisses. “I will.” She locked their gazes once they were separated, both flustered but extremely happy, and she held him close for a hug, which he reciprocated right away, giving her small kisses on her shoulder. 

“Wait–” he murmured as he gently separated himself from her and got up. Daisy sat on the bed, looking as the beastman grabbed the box and sat down next to her. He opened it, getting her left hand and putting the ring on her finger, smiling stupidly at it. “I guess we’re engaged now.”

“It seems so.” Daisy giggled, admiring her ring and gently passing a finger on it. “It's perfect.”

“Nah, you deserve more.”

“No, I love it.” She reassured him, giving him a quick kiss. “We need to tell your grandma about this tomorrow, and Leona too, and Jack and Ace, Deuce, Grim and–”

“Shh, I get it, I get it. Let's just sleep now, ok? I want my fiancée all to myself for now.”

OMG BARBS WE WON?? THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED OMG DAIGGIE KISS WE GIT IM SOBINNG THUS IS SO CUTE I LOVE THEM SM DAIGGIE NATION WE ARE WINING ‼️‼️WE ARE BEING FED 5 COURSE MEALS ‼️‼️‼️

They are so cute omg, I got butterflies reading this cuz they are so pookie (adorable)

LIKE YES WE NEEDED AND GRANDMA BUCCHI BEING TH SLAY SHE IS

[shadowuponstorm]

Hi, Arvin Russell

A year after the incidents in Coal Creek, WV, and Meade, OH, Arvin is back in a small town after serving in the Vietnam War. He thought he had left the drama back home, but boy, he was wrong to assume such a thing. MENTIONS: ABUSE, FIGHTING, SMOKING, BLOOD

"Anything else for you, sugar?" A lady asked as I stirred a spoon in my coffee to blend the creamer.

"No, thank you, ma'am, I'm fine," I respond with a drawl of my southern accent as she nods her head and moves on to handle another customer.

I've just gotten back from overseas. Fighting the war in Vietnam was no easy task, and since I've taken a seat, many people have come up to thank me for my service or give me God's blessing that I was able to come back home to my family. My grandma and uncle don't know I went to war, and I also haven't seen them since I left. What happened in the past year, I can never go back and face them, not after what I've done. I haven't prayed since my mama and daddy died or been in church since that day. Reverend Preston Teagardin was found dead in the pews with a bullet wound to the head. I take a sip of my coffee before I hear the bell on the door ring, catching my attention. I look over and see a couple walking in, a guy wearing coveralls with the name tag "Raymond" on the chest and a girl in tow behind him. I hunched that something was amiss when I saw the look on the girl's face; she was scared, and Raymond had quite a rough grip on her arm. They decided to sit at a table adjacent to my seat, and a waitress arrived to take their order when I heard Raymond start to flirt with her. The waitress decided to flirt back, which made me roll my eyes.

"Seriously?" As I took another sip, I thought, "If you're going to flirt with other women, why even bring your girlfriend?"

The waitress asked the girl for her order before she muttered, "Nothing, thank you."

"Speak up when you're spoken to, whore," Raymond said through gritted teeth as he slams a fist on the table, making everyone in the place jump, except for me.

"No, thank you, I don't want anything," The girl spoke louder as the waitress walked back behind the counter to get Raymond's order ready.

"It's good that you listened to me; you were getting fat anyways," Raymond said as I paused mid-sip at the audacity of this man to treat a woman as such.

As much as I wanted to punch him or smack him on the back of the head, I could hear my daddy telling me, "Wait for the right time." 30 minutes or so went by before they decided to head out. After watching them leave, I pulled out my wallet to grab a $10 bill to leave as a tip and headed out the door to make sure the girl was okay. I looked around for signs of her and thought I might've been too late until I heard a scream. I rushed over to where the sound was to see this Raymond guy has her pushed against a brick wall with one hand over her mouth and the other on her hip.

"You're going to do what I tell you to do," Raymond muttered as he reached his hand that was on her hip to go under her dress.

Before he could do anything else, I ran over and landed a punch square across the jaw. He groaned in pain before he turned his attention to me and wiped the blood from his lip. Raymond wielded his fist back to land a punch in my nose, hard. I then jump on top of him to continue throwing punches until I see him struggle.

"Now, stay away from her, or else I will find you again and do worse than this," I said as I leaned my face to Raymond's, "Got it?"

Raymond nodded weakly, and I moved off him to turn my attention to the shaking girl in front of me.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. He shouldn't hurt you again, is there anyone you need me to call or come get you?" I asked as she shook her head no, "Okay, come on, I'll give you a ride, and you can stay with me until you recover enough."

I started to walk to my car, expecting her to follow me, but before she did, she landed a hard kick to Raymond's ribs. I opened the passenger door for her to get in, then shut the door to go to the driver's side.

"Why did you do that?" I hear her ask before I told her I'll explain everything when we're back at my place.

After arriving, we got out of the car and before I could grab a cigarette to light, I see her walking up with a napkin in hand.

"Wha-" I was about to ask before she started wiping away the blood from my nose, "Why are you doing that?"

"You did something for me, so I thought I would do something for you," the girl responded as she tossed the bloody napkin in a nearby trash can, "I believe you said you'll explain everything when we arrived."

I pulled out a cigarette and lit it before I asked her for her name.

"My name is Y/N, and yours?" She asked back, making me chuckle.

"Arvin Russell, and well, no girl deserves to be treated like that, so I waited for the right time to beat up that dumbass," I said as I walked toward my porch and asked, "Are you sure there's no one to call?"

Y/N shook her head before saying, "My mama died when I was young, and my daddy was nowhere to be found. I've been on my own since I turned 18, but I lived with my aunt most of my life. She lives in the next town over. What made you think you needed to wait for the right time?"

"My daddy, he taught me that before he died," I responded as Y/N looked curious before she asked about how it happened.

"I was young when my mama got diagnosed with cancer. My daddy had it in his mind that God would remove the cancer from her body. So we would go to the praying log to pray, hoping that it would work, but when it didn't, my daddy sacrificed my dog, Jack. He committed suicide the day we buried my mama," I responded as I turned my head away, not wanting to see her reaction.

"Please tell me that dog isn't still hanging on the cross," Y/N said as I shook my head and told her how I went back years later to give him a proper burial that he deserved.

"So, what brought you to this small town of mine?" Y/N asked as I considered my answer before simplifying it to, "I've just finished fighting the war in Vietnam. Amongst other things, but I'm keeping those details to myself."

"I get that. You just met a total stranger after coming to her rescue," Y/N said as I laughed before I thought to ask if Raymond knew where she lived.

"Oh shit, I forgot about that. He's probably waiting at my front door for me to come home," Y/N responded, looking nervous, before I told her she could stay as long as she needed to feel safe, "Wait, you're okay with me staying? Even if you just met me?"

I nodded before saying, "I'm not a bad guy to live with, I can give you space when and if you need it."

"Okay, then I accept your offer, Arvin Russell," Y/N said with a smile as I smiled back at her.

Little did we know that decision would change both of our lives forever.

[iwannabeastarstarrockmann]

I DID IT!! I LEFT HER :)

I bought a plane ticket and flew for the first time (which was so fun and I got to sit by the window both times!) to be with my extended family who I don't know all that well but my grandma is here too and my grandpa is on his way, so I feel more comfortable since they practically raised me. it's been so fun this past week getting to know all of my cousins and aunt and uncle! there's so much to do here too! I've been hiking, biking, riding atvs, riding my aunts boat, attempting wakeboarding although failing miserably, shooting my uncles guns which was a rush!! and it turns out I'm a perfect shot lmao. and on top of all that, this family really likes to do stuff together which I'm not used to at all so I swear I've been getting invited to one thing after the other every day I've been here. there also happens to be a whole lot of positions open up right now in this area which is great because I was mostly worried about how I was going to find a job last minute.

my uncle and I seem to have a lot in common which is comforting. he also grew up in the desert with nothing to do and also had a crazy mom so were getting along very well. we seem to have a lot of similarities in other areas as well. he took me for a day to show me some of his favorite things to do and also show me what a day of work is like for him and put me to work for part of the day so that he could get a feel for what im skilled at. were surrounded by so much forest so he took me to some of his favorite spots close to a cabin he's been fixing up and we got to explore an abandoned mine shaft!!! OMG it was so cool! he also took me to a really nice cemetery near where he works and it was so beautiful and mystical and we saw a whole lot of deer all throughout it which just enhanced the whole experience. I'm having so much fun

I've never been so relaxed in my entire life. its sad to think that this way of living was always available to me lol. oh yeah, the coffee here is absolutely amazing! and there are so many options, its almost overwhelming. now that im able to be more active, I've fallen back into my coffee addiction to stay energized throughout the day lol.

id say the only con is that my aunt is a lot like my mom so sometimes it can be difficult to be around her but other than that, this is like heaven :))

obviously it's not perfect, as I'm still trying to cope with the guilt of leaving my mom and fighting the urge to cut or starve when my guilt gets to be too much but id rather this lingering feeling than the constant torture of living with my mom in a place with nothing to do and nowhere to go, you know?

plus side from all this trauma is that I've lost 14 pounds since I left her and that's just from all the hiking and walking I'm doing during my free time lol

I'm still in a calorie deficit most days but its not really that low compared to how I used to restrict.

I'd say right now the only thing that's really stressing me out is my need to constantly body check, its definitely gotten worse since I moved out here, and its because I really cant tell how others perceive me.

I'm also fighting with myself most days since I got here cause I keep catching myself saying things inside my head like "you dont deserve to eat", "dont be a fat pig", "no one will love you if you get fat", you know, the cliche signs that you are not completely recovered yet, but I think I'm also going to be starting my period soon and I often fall into a depressive state right before, and it often starts with self hatred and then fades halfway through my period.

anyway I've gotten way off track, obviously the move cant solve all of my problems but I am so happy right now despite my mental struggles and still cant believe that I'm lucky enough to be so easily accepted by a family who doesn't even really know me yet! I wouldn't have been able to escape if they weren't so welcoming from the very beginning.

[marshallfan99]

Happy 10th Anniversary, PAW Patrol!!!

Wow, I can't believe it's already been 10 years...it feels like it was just recently that I was sitting there in the living room of my family's vacation rental home in front of the TV and watching the premiere episode with my brothers...and then spending the rest of the week in front of the TV watching new episodes every day because I couldn't do anything else with a giant cast on my dominant arm. Marshall and the other pups kept me occupied during that otherwise painful vacation, and I've stuck with PAW Patrol ever since.

(That's only ONE of the MANY Marshall moments that cheered me up and made me laugh during that week.)

(And here's another one...also relatable since I'm always falling down stairs and stuff 😅)

This show has helped me through so many tough times in my life, like depression, anxiety, etc. It acts as a great escape from reality, an amazing source of comfort, something that's easy to just turn on and watch when I need to unwind or want something I can have lighthearted fun with, it's easy to just turn it on after meltdowns or when my brain is fried and veg out to it since it's harmless fun that doesn't cause intense emotional responses from me, and I even binge it during nights where I have insomnia! It's so important to me, and it even saved my life a couple times...yep, that's right, the pups have saved me too, that's how much of an impact they've had on me. They've taught me so many things as well, from the importance of teamwork, to never giving up when things get "ruff" (hehe, sorry I had to, that's my inner Marshall at work 😅), to always looking out for your friends and helping them whenever you can, to "Do my best, and forget the rest!", to the very important message of you don't have to have superpowers to be a hero (this one was WAY before Mighty Pups was a thing).

(Seriously this is one of my mottos, thanks for that lesson, Marshall!)

(Had to put a Mighty Pups GIF in here after ending the paragraph by mentioning it lol)

I never stopped liking PAW Patrol even during the time I had to take a break from it for my mental health reasons, and I actually missed it so much during my time away from it. Eventually I decided I couldn't stay away any longer and came back to it with the goal of using it to help me overcome my severe PTSD siren phobia, which is why I had to step away in the first place...and it's working! I can actually watch it now without freaking out and going into panic mode which is great because now I can watch my favorite show with no problems, just like I used to!

When PAW Patrol premiered back in 2013, it VERY quickly became a special interest for me even though I was NEVER in the target age range for it, being in my early teens when it premiered, and I'm also actually afraid of dogs in real life...cartoon dogs like the PAW Patrol pups are cool though, and Marshall is my favorite cartoon dog of all time, and he's actually tied with a Pokemon (another special interest of mine) character for my number one favorite fictional character of all time! He's so relatable, adorable, funny, and has a truly PAWsome personality! Also the fact that he is TWO THIRDS of 911, BY HIMSELF is pretty amazing too in my opinion. Unfortunately his skills aren't needed much anymore in the newer seasons, which makes me kinda sad. I wish he got more screentime in the newer seasons...but instead it's always Chase and Skye now. I am still hoping for him to get his own focus movie though. I'm holding myself back from going on and on about Marshall this time, I've done that enough in my Marshall appreciation post and this whole account already and this is supposed to be about PAW Patrol as a whole anyway, not just him 😅

(The most PAWsome team ever!)

My parents don't really approve of me getting and playing with the toys and merch, but I can still get it thanks to my grandma who knows how important PAW Patrol is to me...in fact, I just got a couple of Mighty Pups t-shirts (because of the upcoming Mighty Movie) thanks to her, one of them featuring a huge image of Mighty Marshall (of course, that one is my favorite), the other one featuring an image of Mighty Chase, Marshall, Rubble, and Skye with the text, "Mighty Pup Power!" I was so thrilled to learn that there are officially licensed PAW Patrol shirts in adult sizes and had to get some! If anyone else wants to get some PAW Patrol shirts in your size, Amazon has plenty of adult-sized PAW Patrol shirts to choose from, with some PAWsome designs too! I'm so happy that the creators know that this show has a strong teen/adult fanbase, and acknowledge us by making shirts that fit us! And I'm so happy that this show exists!

(This is my favorite part of the opening theme!)

(Cute dancing pups from the movie!)

This has been a long rambly post, but I really wanted to post something for PAW Patrol's 10th anniversary, and talk about how much it means to me. Growing up autistic and with no friends, just bullies for the majority of my life because of it, made me turn to the TV for comfort, and I often saw the characters on TV shows I watched as my friends. I had a very lonely life and when PAW Patrol premiered, I found seven new friends in the pups and Ryder (with Marshall being my best friend), and I tuned in for every new episode when I could, to watch their latest adventures. Starting with Everest, each time a new pup (or cat) has been added to the team has felt to me like I also gained a new friend as well, even though I do have actual friends now, the PAW Patrol still feel like friends to me. It wasn't a "phase" like my parents had always said, it still isn't a "phase"...it's a HUGE part of my life and I'm extremely grateful that PAW Patrol is still going strong even after 10 years and 10 seasons.

Happy 10th, PAW Patrol! And here's to many more years and adventures to come in the future!

[captainrayzizuniverse]

Yes! Thank youuuu @goldcrumble for this I truly need it now. I’m sitting in Kelowna waiting for the worst year of my life to be over in the most unremarkable way (binging on paw patrol with my nephew) and what better way to do it than this? Beware, long ass essay incoming. 

When did you become a Louie? (This is about to get loooong)

I love talking about this because it’s such an interesting journey for me compared to other artists I love. I used to watch British reality tv with my grandma every year and that of course includes x-factor and strictly come dancing (and the GBBO, sewing bee, BGT etc..it was unhealthy) which usually start around the same time. We started with x-factor when leona lewis won until the last season with Louis as judge. So yes of course I watched the one with 1D and I was rooting for them during the show (and Louis was my LEAST fav only because I’d watch the xtra factor and the video diaries and he was SO loud and obnoxious and basiclly everything I find annoying in a person. Sorry it was what it was. Anyway after that season I never paid them any attention but we continued watching x-factor year after year. I've mentioned this before but when Louis was announced as the judge in 2018 I remember telling my grandma that it’s probably to draw in the 1D fans because the show was so bad at that point. Obviously I said it with eyes rolled and thinking ‘they really think they’re gonna save this shit with a kid from a boyband?’. Little did I know this guy will ruin me. Anyway as a non fan and someone who really didn’t know anything about the guy I absolutely loved him as a judge..so like a couple of weeks in I read his entire wikipedia and was 100% drinking the ‘reconnected and in love with his long term gf and has a kid with a one night stand from LA’ koolaid. And I listened to his singles at the time, loved them, added them to one of my Anghami playlist and it was chill for a while.

I have never been in a music fandom before..I’ve been in the football fandom (esp livejournal) for ages and also several movies/tv shows and books. I think most of the music I listen to are either from bands who are dead or there just isn’t a fandom big enough to exist…or I haven’t found it. Dunno..just never got into one. SO on a flight from oslo in 2019 I was reading a fic from another fandom and in the author’s note there was something about being inspired by a Larry fic and I vaguely remembered who the Larry ship is about. So when I clicked it and saw that it was THE Louis T, I went into my second rabbit hole and saw all these news singles he has out and an album that was about to come out and a show in Toronto and wow so much excitement all at once. Booked the tickets for the show which were later cancelled due to covid and then never got to see the ltwt live (rip hearing defenceless live). After that I didn’t follow up with him, I didn’t even know lthq was a thing ffs. When people say that they need to promote things on his personal IG, it’s for people like ME! Anyhoo! I still never searched him up on Tumblr until one day by chance I saw a clip from a livestream on instagram of one of his earlier shows in Texas. I didn’t even know concert livestreams were a thing tbh. So I kept on monitoring to find the source until I got to finally watch an entire show (I think it was the 4th American one, a few before the chicken nugget incident) and then somehow that led me to Tumblr and slowly I started following very very few blogs. So when did I become a Louie really? Was it 2018 when I was like ok the dude is cool I like the couple of songs he has out? Or 2019 when I booked my first concert ticket? Or in 2022 when I found the fandom on Tumblr? Also I got into 1D when I read that wiki page and it said something about him having the most writing credits. It intrigued me and was like ‘fine! I’ll give them a go I guess!’

your favourite song? (one off walls and one off fitf)

We Made It. All this time (if you ask tomorrow it might jump between Saturdays or holding onto heartache or she is beauty)

your favourite music video?

Miss you! The hair, the song.

your favourite gig?

Toronto one because I was anticipating it for sooooo long and it fully lived up to it. Esp after spending the entire 2022 watching livestreams and being jealous af. The new york one was good too but my home show will always be my fav

your favourite louis hair?

X-factor hair. 

your favourite louis interview?

Oof man this is hard! They all kinda get mixed together so either a Zach lang one (probably the first one because it sticks in my memory more since I saw it right when it came out) or one of the buzzfeed ones like the snack wars or the one he did with the yellow background (man I’m lazy as shit, I can literally YouTube this).

suit louis or tanktop louis?

Suit Louis. Literally anything but tank top louis. I know I’m the only one in this boat but I just don’t dig tank tops. I think it’s also the fact that he almost always wears hideous shoes with them that kinda kill the look. If I had to be specific, I’d say tracksuit Louis. 

favourite louis tattoo?

I’d also go with the x&o’s 

favourite louis bodypart? (c'mon we all have one!)

I immediately thought his eye crinkles but realized that’s not a body part. Maybe hands or the veiny neck??I love a neck with passionate veins (what even am I saying??)

—-

I think my small Louis loving mutuals have either already done this or have been tagged, so it ends with ME!

And with that I shall wish everyone a genocide free 2024! A free Palestine! And an end to this fucking massacre!

Back to watching Marshall and Skye on PP. 

[thenexusofsouls]

{i am the caretaker of souls} *sigh* I'm sorry guys, but I'm not gonna be able to be on tonight. I got some bad family news (I'll explain below the cut), and my dad and I have to have a very tough conversation with my grandmother that I know is not going to go well. I don't know how long that'll take, but I'm already not feeling creative as it is, so after we talk to her, I'm sure I'll be feeling even less so. I just need some time, unfortunately. I'm really sorry to disappoint everyone at the last minute, but I just got the news from my cousin like... an hour ago, so it was very unexpected. Thank you for understanding, and I'm sure I will be back here next week.

So... I have several aunts on both sides of my family, some of which have been really shitty to the family, and others have been great. My favorite aunt was diagnosed with brain and spine cancer about two months ago, and things have not been going well. It's very aggressive, it's moving very fast, and tonight my cousin told us that they're already at the point of setting up hospice for her because it's not going to be long. The doctors are saying days or a couple weeks. It went... so fast.

Aside from this being my favorite aunt, so I'm already upset about losing her soon, it's rough because my cousin is going through almost the exact same thing I did seven years ago with my mom. My mom was 63, hers is 60, so neither was very old. They both had cancer that went all over the place, especially brain and spine. And they both ended up in hospice at home. My mother lasted five weeks once that happened, so I guess we'll see how long my aunt lasts. But... I just feel so bad for my cousin because I know exactly what it's like to be in her position, and it absolutely sucks. It's one of the worst things to go through, watching someone you love just waste away. So it's hitting very close to home for me because it's bringing up so many feelings about my mom again.

This is my dad's sister, so he's very upset. He's one of six, and he's already lost two siblings. Two others are complete assholes that we very much limit contact with, and then there's my aunt, and we were closest to her out of all of them. So it's really rough for everybody all around.

In a little while, we have to sit down and tell my grandmother. My dad had been keeping her in the dark about everything (something I didn't agree with) because she gets very weird and crazy when she's told bad news and my dad wanted to avoid that. She starts saying really messed up things, cussing us out, she revenge-starves herself, revenge-doesn't-sleep, like she'll purposely refuse to do things so that we have to give her attention. She's very manipulative. Anyway, my cousin told him about two weeks ago that things were going well and to let grandma know the truth. He chose not to. Well now he has to hit her with it all at once and basically tell her that her daughter is going to die very soon, out of nowhere. She thinks things are going okay and she's just getting treated for a back issue. So this... is not going to go well.

He's asked that I be there to help him break the news, and I want to support him, so I'm gonna help him out with this. I really don't want to, but I know he doesn't either, so we'll just deal with her tantrums as they happen. But there's a very good chance that she'll refuse to go to bed at all tonight and we may need to be up with her, and I don't want to just leave my dad with all of that because he's really upset too.

So yeah, that's what's going on. There's just no way I'm writing fun things tonight, I'm just in completely the wrong mindset, you know? I want to be here, but it's just not going to happen tonight. I've just been sitting here crying on and off.

For those who follow me on multiple blogs, I expect to be on tomorrow night, but if for some reason I'm not, I'll let you all know over on those blogs. Tonight is just going to be bad because of how my grandmother is going to react and then get angry at us, likely, but by tomorrow things should go back to normal... at least until we get that next terrible update that something has happened to my aunt. *sigh*

I'm just so tired, you know? It's been so much lately with my job, my health, dealing with my toxic grandmother, and now my aunt not doing well. It's a lot of muchness all at once and I'm definitely feeling it. I really appreciate how understanding everyone has been lately. I know I've been so sporadic with my activity for various reasons in the past few months, so those of you who put up with me, I just wanna say... thank you and I love you all. <3

[kalisbaby]

My mom's in the ER with my sister because her (mom) sugar went up. And she hasn't been taking her medications or her insulin or gotten a new PCP after her old one suddenly up and closed his business. (Like deadass they scheduled an appointment for her and when she went they were shut down. No notices, no calls, no nothing!)

So both me and my sister are beyond frustrated and upset because she legit isn't taking care of her health and she will sit around all day in her phone and like not eat anything until one of us comes in the room and asks us to make her something. And that could be HOURS! And no matter how much I tell her to stop fasting she still does it cuz "God told her to" and not to question her faith or relationship with God but...fasting for over a year (or two idk how long at this point) for HOURS every. single. day. when you have a major health issue is ridiculous. I'm sure God didn't want her to maintain it for that long especially one where she doesn't pray or anything. She just like...watches TV and plays on her damn phone so, ma'am!, what kinda fast???

Anyway, I'm digressing.

THE POINT IS I need her to care for herself. Like I NEED her to want to do it for herself. I've said this time and time again, like it's a bad song on repeat at this point, but I cannot take care of her for herself.

I can make her meals but I can't make her eat them. I can sort out her medicines but I can't make her take them. I can see her appointments but I can't make her go to them or tell the truth while at them (a problem I also had with my dad btw. He just would not tell his doctor everything and I would be like, "Are you fr right now???" At one point the doctor just talked directly to me because my dad was acting like everything was fucking fine when it WASN'T!).

And I feel like my mom thinks we're SUPPOSED to care for her because she, and I quote, "did it for [her] mother" and yeah I get that. And honestly, I have no problems doing for my mother, but my grandmother also did for herself. When she needed help she asked for it but she was very much able to tend to her own needs up until the last few years of her life when her health deteriorated to the point where additional assistance was mandatory and we ALL helped then. (I legit flunked out of the second half of my first year of college to help my mom take care of my grandma and I still don't regret it to this day. It was a joy to care for her and to be with her in those last few months of her life.)

But my mom still has a lot of her mobility and functioning and I get that she's tired after nursing three children, two elderly parents, a husband, not to mention her actual nursing job, but I don't like her not trying. Like for HERSELF. It often feels like she's just like, "why do I have to do this when I have daughters?"

And it's like, we won't always be here. I'm here now but what about in the future? I wanna live more! I haven't even done an iota of and iota of what I want to do. And I get it, that's on me. Those are my choices and I accept them but it wouldn't be fair for me to never even try because I have to stay home and build my life around caretaking my mother while she's still relatively young and able bodied. Like if she wasn't then this wouldn't really be a discussion. I would have my frustrations,.for sure, but I would deal with them because I know my mother couldn't do for herself. But knowing that she CAN but just often WON'T??? That's a whole nother thing. A WHOLE nother thing.

I just...

I think about how ppl have repeatedly told me "there's always one that stays behind" meaning there's always a child that stays and takes care of the aging parents. And that one was my mother and I despise that saying for a plethora of reasons but mainly because people say it to me like "give up your dreams, your hopes, your goals because your life is already decided and it's taking care of your mother at the expense of everything else." It makes me bitter. And I don't deserve that. My mother doesn't deserve that.

She deserves to live her old age in peace as comfort and joy. And I deserve to live the last embers of my youth the same.

But how I do that if people are pre-determining my life to be built around someone else? Especially at the expense of the small facet of happiness I managed to eek out for myself? What cruelty!

And I still want children some day. So am I only meant to care for others and leave no care for myself??? Idk the answer to this but what I DO know is, I need my mother to get it together. To care enough about the rest of her life to want to actively live it and not just lie around wasting it away waiting for me or someone to do the very basic of shit for her.

I need her to care enough for herself. I can't do it for the both of us. I just can't. Something will eventually have to give and I fear when that time comes because I'm nto sure of what choice I'll make and I'd hate for it to be me at the risk of harming her. If that makes any sense.

I just want her to care. That's all. Just care about yourself, mommy. Love yourself enough to try. PLEASE! For the love of God, please!

[iguessitsjustme]

For the "Talk About" meme: 15 and 24 💖

Oooohhhh these are good ones. I'm gonna have to think about them for a bit.

15. Talk about the time you were most content in life.

Other than now, which is probably the most content I've ever been in general, I'll tell you about a specific time I was content. I think I was about 17, maybe 18, and I was with my family visiting my uncle and his family. We were at some cabin, I think my uncle rented it or something, I'm not sure. I'd never seen it before and I haven't seen it since. So this was my dad's side of the family and we aren't particularly close to my dad's side of the family. Well my siblings and I aren't. My parents are a bit more. I've described the disconnect that us siblings have with our cousins as "they are hinged and we are not." My older brother says it's because they had a stable and stationary home life and we have not. ANYWAY. We were at this cabin and it was on the river and after a long day of boating and playing in the river and being incredibly self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit and being around people/strangers (since I didn't know my cousins well at all, they were basically strangers), everyone was chilling at the house, getting ready for dinner, playing games, etc. I went to the dock by myself and just sat and stared at the river as the sunset. That was probably the most content I've ever been. It was also probably the most at peace I've ever been. Which was nice because immediately after that moment, when I went back, my grandma started quizzing me on my plans for the future and I had none which did not help my anxiety. But being near water and just getting to sit and watch the waves is always what makes me feel the most content.

24. Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

There are so many things that people have told me over the years that have meant a lot to me but most of them are incredibly personal and I can't share with anyone but they meant a lot because those people felt safe enough with me and trusted me enough to share those things. BUT if I were to choose a specific thing, it was something that one of my good friends from college told me once about myself. So my friend is the type of person that everyone goes to with their problems and they all kind of expect them to kind of fix it for them. Or give them advice (which they always ignore but I digress). And one time, when I was stressed and needed to vent, I called them and I vented and they let me go on for quite some time, even though I knew that I was the last in a long line of people to dump on them. When I was done, I said "I'm sorry, I know everyone's been coming to you with their problems lately and that you have your own shit to deal with. Is there anything you need to vent about, you can dump on me if you need to." And my friend, said one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me, "Rae, don't worry. I know you're not venting and expecting me to fix it. You're not just dumping your problems on me and leaving me with them. I never have to worry about you. You might get stressed and vent, but you always work it out yourself. And you don't ignore me. I'm not worried about you." And I almost cried. To know that my friend, who carries so many burdens from other people in their life, did not consider me to be their burden in any way and to trust that I would be okay, it just meant a lot. Cause I had another friend (we aren't friends anymore though this isn't why) who was the exact opposite. This friend didn't trust me to be okay at all. She constantly nagged at me even when I was doing fine and it made me doubt myself and my ability to be okay. Which is actually something I've worked very hard on. If there's one thing you can count on me for, it's that no matter what, I will be okay. It was nice to have my friend recognize that.

Make me talk about myself

[freebooter4ever]

Hi! I really love your work— do you have any advice for someone who doesn’t have a lot of experience drawing human forms/anatomy? I dont really know where to start 😅

Thank you!!!! ^_^

So first off, bear with me, I'm going to point you to some of my old old art. In general, any 'progress'/tutorial type stuff i post goes into the "wip" tag: freebooter4ever.tumblr.com/archive/tagged/wip

The rest of this discussion is going under a cut lol

I've been drawing since i was a kid - as my grandma likes to tell it i would sit quietly at the card table next to her and make her draw with me because "everyone can draw, grandma". Sometime around high school i got it into my head that i needed a 'class' to understand anatomy, as if it was just this magical thing i would suddenly understand. (college was useless) The truth is i didnt start getting better until recently, when i gave up trying to 'learn' anatomy and just started studying bodies. That sounds weird, but i don't know how else to describe it? If someone told me ages ago that i could learn anatomy the same way i self-disciplined myself into being able to pull out computer science concepts at the drop of the hat, i feel like i wouldn't have wasted so much time but anyway...

Check out any doodles before my mchanzo era for drawings that i did prior to getting serious about practice studies: freebooter4ever.tumblr.com/archive/tagged/mchanzo. Terrible anatomy. Atrocious. (with one exception that i still like which is a poster on sasha bees' wall hey bees if you're reading this) 2016 ish.

THEN 2017 i lost my job, moved away from pittsburgh, missed my DJ friends, watched a documentary on netflix about st*ve aoki (after watching everything vaguely DJ related on the streaming service lol), and the aoki drawing era begins: freebooter4ever.tumblr.com/archive/tagged/steve%20aoki. I joke that the way I learned anatomy was by becoming obsessed with a DJ who contorts himself into very strange positions and has photographers that take photos of him from LITERALLY every angle and who tends to walk around half naked an unusually large amount of time but like...that's literally what happened. Not that im saying you have to start drawing half naked DJ's...just find a subject you dont mind drawing hours of studies from and it makes it a lot easier.

When I'm doing 'studies' I tend to do two separate drawings. Initially I literally just 'study' what I'm looking at - I put it in photoshop and trace the lines that I see. I don't OUTLINE it, there is a huge difference. A lot of times the lines that stand out are not the outlines but rather a dominant shadow or sharp edge. After I feel like I've got a good handle on it, I do another drawing of the pose freehand. Then I take the original photo and put it underneath that drawing and check where I've messed up. If I'm completely off I throw it away and start again, lol. If there's a few errors I fix them. More and more lately I find that the freehand drawing is fairly accurate with anatomy unless it's an unusual or challenging perspective. I break this down more in this post using joe as an example: https://freebooter4ever.tumblr.com/post/633653906052923392/its-been-a-while-since-ive-posted-one-of-these

Those study drawings rarely see the light of day. I just delete them when I'm done because i didn't have an...aim...? For the drawing. They just were to learn.

The doodles that I post on here? Some of the simpler ones are practice sketches from gifs - i will have a gif running next to my drawing and will try to draw what i see, freehand. Some of the more complicated drawings/portraits are from photos - but there's usually something i see in the photo that i want to convey? Like light? or a specific part of anatomy? I dunno, i make shit up as i go.

AND THEN there's my favorite, when i have done all this practice and i can do shit like drawing characters from my imagination. Like kenny hugging his cat. These don't have any reference - im just relying on my memory of anatomy i've drawn in the past.

I dunno. Dont let bad anatomy get you down, just keep trying. My anatomy hero - a sculptor ethan idolized and i idolize by default - even said himself that he doesn't feel like an 'expert', and he's in his 40's and has been doing this shit for decades. Just draw!!! The more you do it, the more you'll start to see what you like, and how you can make it how you like even more. I still think my anatomy is bad, im still embarrassed by it. But i also know i've gotten better because i can see it now.

ANYWAY this is long, im exhausted, i have to go to bed now :) and i was serious about scheduling an abs livestream. Maybe this weekend if im ambitious.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary21

9/25-26/2023

i took a walk today.

i saw this guy. i took a picture with him too.

i can scarcely imagine what people are supposed to use this guy for i guess you just throw balls at him and practice aim or something. encountering him felt really crazy. just disused shadows of men posed and waiting to play ball with you.

anyways, i also cleaned the apartment a bunch while listening to the locust and electrosleep int'l, the floors of the bathroom, and then the studio zone i guess, kitchen and everything, under my gf's desk, and i also super cleaned off our kettle, i'd like to go at it again but it's in a decent enough state now. this is gross but oil splatters onto it and i just didn't really bother. don't think badly of me please. it's not like it's for anything but hot water, and like, it's not fancy. but seeing it cleaner, to the point i could really actually see myself in it, was crazy, it's this old thing from my grandma, i never saw the thing approaching bright.

tomorrow we're going to see a movie, and then after is errand day again. everything is super busy suddenly, i guess.

not really actually. but you know. or you don't. i dunno what i'm saying honestlyyy.

i took a walk today, and cleaned so much today, because i need to take a break from music so i can go back to these songs and with a clear head actually listen and decide on changes and things, see what is actually good, or closer to actually good, and what isn't. i've driven myself slightly crazy. i think the most i can let myself do each day, is work on guitar tones, just little stuff at this point, figure out cool ways to distort things and whatever else. to help with guitars, i acquired (lololol) a plugin that simulates pickups on a guitar. really really useful actually. i honestly expected it to sssuck, but it didn't/doesn't, and that plugin came with another thing that can do distortion, and it's a good sounding distortion/bunch of good sounding distortions.

so now that i have all these amp sims, a pickup sim, some physical modeling, impulse responses to simulate cabs, i'm excited about putting imperfect guitar simulations through these things to reach fucked up and weird tones. so far though, i'm really fond of all the ring modulation options i have. they can help me get some locust-y sounds. i can already do that on my own too though honestly.

i should do the last bits of working out i need to do today and wash my face after this song.

today i've also been looking for more images of grubs/larvae/whatever, for the cover art.

and now the movie tomorrow is a maybe. that's mostly okay i guess. i could go either way i was just excited for it because it'd be a welcome distraction so i wouldn't keep obsessing. we'd have to go to a part of town that honestly i am not super crazy about. downtown is just super, i dunno, grody in a way. mega gentrified, supra-millennial, hot, sad. it's the los angeles las vegas crossroads, really. it's better than the strip which is just a soulsucking hell every time i'm there for even a little bit. but the movie would probably be really good, it'd be a wkw movie i'm pretty sure, i've never seen any of his movies.

on my walk i didn't see much else that was really memorable i guess, i walked around where i normally walk around, a lot of other people out today which makes me feel nervous a little i guess, some people stare. i guess at the end of the day i just hope they stare in the more positive way and not because they think i'm way disgusting or something but the positive way is also not actually positive. it's just unfortunately somewhat gratifying to be seen like that i guess.

anyways i'm really sleepy now, so maybe i should just go lay down earlier than usual. it might be really good for me. i can't wait to see if i feel good tomorrow and then not ruin that with forcing myself to sit and listen to these songs over and over and instead maybe just working on a guitar sound or something. that would be kind of a nice day, and then maybe going and seeing a movie, and if i don't i dunno.

oh, tonight i tried something new, breaded chicken and gochujang butter instead of miso butter (still kind of miso butter because i put miso in there too). it was really good. it's kind of like, the best of both worlds.

anyways, byebye!!