#anyway yeah if you're plural i am not going to ask questions because it is none of my fucking business and frankly it is nobody elses either

[tidal-chaos]

the online system community sucks so bad lmao

[our-aroace-experience]

ok so here's my ace/arospec story

ace:

i learned about being ace

oh i don't know

12 years old maybe

i searched it up after reading about it online

"aroace definition"

it went something like

"being both aromantic and asexual"

i searched up

"aromantic"

"asexual"

at first i thought it was a bit strange

i hadn't learned yet

to distinguish

between romantic attraction and sexual attraction

because i didn't know

people actually wanted sex

people actually saw someone and went

"wow"

"i want to fuck them"

i had a crush on a childhood friend of mine

at the time

(a guy. i am a girl.)

i'd always assumed i was cishet

grew up in a conservative christian household

slightly offtopic but honestly my parents were great

not stereotypical conservative christians

both allies

they had friends who were trans and gay

i'd checked out queer media from the library

and they were fine with it

anyway

back to the story

so since i had a crush on the opposite gender

i assumed ofc

i was cishet

well ofc i wasn't into sex, i was just a kid

but at age 13

almost 14

i was alone

in a hotel room, no parents, on instagram

that's the only time i could get that

late night phone time

when i didn't have parents around

i found @i.put.the.ace.in.disgrace on instagram

scrolled through every fucking post

on their account

and on the #asexual tag

i related to those posts

like

a lot

a suspicious amount for someone supposedly allo

even though i was just a kid

yeah maybe i'd grow into it

maybe i'd feel attraction one day

but not now

and who the hell was going to tell me

what i could or couldn't identify as

so i tried out the ace label

spent hours and hours

wondering if it was right

if i was really ace

if i wasn't too young

but going back to being allo felt wrong

so i decided to keep the label

the first person i came out to

was an online friend

they were so amazing and supportive of it

i love them so much for that

they said i'd been on their gaydar for a while

(a message i still think about

when wondering if i'm really ace)

felt sick the next day

i'd always been an ally

supported my queer friends

arospec aspec trans homosexual i supported them all

but it made me sick

to think about me

myself

being queer

it was sort of rough

but i got through it

later

came out to my friend and her mom

they were cool about it

i knew i'd be safe

they weren't ecstatic or super happy

but they accepted me

"cool"

that's what they said i remember it

i was a hot mess that day too

stuttered over all my words when trying to come out

and they still accepted me

i love them

later

i decided to hint at my identity to my mom

talked about not liking sex

i checked out a few ace books

from the library

my mom took me aside

i don't remember her exact words

it went something like

"it's natural to be curious

but you can't be ace at 14

you're not trying to be

are you?"

ofc

i managed to convince her i was allo

had to be more careful then

arospec:

i'd only had one crush.

one crush who i'd liked as a friend first.

you see where this is going, don't you?

well

i didn't

i'd heard that aces had not very many crushes

so i assumed i was just Really Really Asexual

and i couldn't be aro hahahaha

i'd been in love before!

aros cannot be in love!

oh by golly i was wrong

i started questioning

(only one crush?

my friends are all over their crushes

plural

and i've only had one??

maybe i'm not as allo as i thought)

i debated over gray-aro and demi-aro

picked demi

it described my experience more accurately

came out to aforementioned friend

then aforementioned online friend

they were chill about it

(fucking love them)

then i 3d printed a black ring

and a white ring

ace

and aro

and this is maybe the best part of the whole experience

i had friends who were stereotypical conservative christian

queerphobic

they complimented my aro and ace rings

and so did my mom

and that made me really happy for some reason

shit that was a long ask im sorry

thank you for sharing! i hope your mum comes around to you being aroace one day

also side note: this reads like a poem it’s so well written!

[sophieinwonderland]

Questioning monocon-median anon here! Following up my last ask because your response was really helpful and because a little has changed! We're not necessarily looking for advice or anything with this one, it just feels really nice to tell someone what's going on and that's not an option with anyone we know.

So when we started being more open to the possibility that we could be plural, three of the others like. Showed up? They were already there and had names, but they showed up with their own forms. At first I thought that it was just me (the host) thinking up the forms I thought they would have, but then one of them (we'll call him E) showed up and part of his appearance genuinely surprised me (he's a redhead, and I very much didn't expect it.)

As for the memory thing you mentioned in your response (tysm for the reply btw!), it does feel like our memories are divided. We all remember everything the others do when they front, but if it wasn't us it feels like we're watching somebody else's memories that we have a first-person perspective of.

We've been trying to figure out Who each of us is, what the differences are, etc. We've discovered that E has a very different music taste from me and C, and E loves painting, even though I (host) have absolutely no skill at it or interest in it. We were really excited to learn that, because I didn't consciously Think that about him, it just came to me, which I am assuming means it came from him. E and C also have different styles they like to dress in and views on the world and other people. And E and C both use different pronoun sets than I do!

There are two others that we know of, but X is kind of silent right now and we haven't "been" it in a while. We can kinda see it when we concentrate on going into the headspace though!! It isn't really moving or talking or anything, but it's still There, so that's something. The other one (Cr) is odd because we can sense Who he is and kinda what he looks like but he hasn't been around.

We've also learned that C is older than the rest of us, which is interesting?? It's not by a whole lot, but we didn't expect that, so it was still cool to learn. He also seems to be the primary symptom-holder of one of our disorders, which actually makes a lot of sense now that we think about it.

Anyways, yeah!! Super sorry for the long ask, we're just really really excited to find out about each other and kind of explore what this means for us and everything and we wanted to tell somebody. Thanks for helping us out and for the resources from the tulpanomicon and everything!! I hope you have a great day!!

Yay! Glad to be able to help! Thank you for sharing!

It definitely sounds to me like you're a system and it's cool that you're discovering more about each other!

Wishing you a great day too! 😁💖

[bossbutch]

umineko chapter 6 (first half)

or door chains and "wait, is umineko actually about being trans and plural"

after thinking about Trans Beato in my last post one of the early things Featherine (hi featherine) says is to describe new beato as An Egg, lol so in anje's reality every chapter is a bottle message and ep 5 (and 3 and 4?) was a Forgery, ok ok umineko the book tells umineko the reader "without you here i don't have the power to think" yeah i get it i get what you're putting down

so i thought battler figured out Everything but he really only knows love and what his sin was? or he figured those out and could derive everything else. i'm 99% sure it was his promise to sayo but also that kanon was the one mad at him, not shannon

ok how much does umineko author understand about DID. i'm not sure what specifically made me write that in my notes? i'll be up front that i am not plural and get all my info about it secondhand from autistic girlies. but like. i'm seeing a lot of what i know about it in umineko, which like the trans reading idk how much is authorial intent versus what i'm bringing to it. but umineko rolls out the red carpet for you to read into it "fun beato won't be revived" :(

sayo giving kanon Permission to Love is a conversation i've had with one of my friends a number of times YOSHIYA-KUN! google translate has kanon writing his name something like "good, question mark", i'm sure if i knew japanese there's a lot of meaning in how he writes it (kanon may be a boymoding girl but "kanon" is An Assumed Identity anyway. i'm going to use he/him until he says otherwise.) but can i trust any new information in episode 6 to be Truth or just battler's interpretation? i guess that's all i've ever had to go on

beato chick being all like "i gotta Live For Father" is incredibly fucked up knowing that that's probably what kinzo asked of beato the younger

so now chick beato is reading umineko, which is awesome. i wanted ch6 to jump right into Battler's Game but chick beato and anje+featherine commentary are fun side stories.

erika once again metagaming and battler using it as bait. we love an "i know you know i know". lol at everyone in battler's story expressing immediate annoyance with her

anje doesn't get why the servants need "magic" to allow themselves to love which means she must be way behind me and battler in understanding. but, with that said, why in top-level-reality would they think that they Have the power to marry into the family, but it can only be used by shannon OR kanon? going under the assumption that they're different people because the alternative is too silly to consider at the moment

eva-bea is back (in metaphor at least), and they reiterate that spiderwebs are bad for beato-prime but part of eva-beato's Thing. dunno what's important about that- eva beato is A beato, not Our beato. as someone with a controlling parent george's Thing with his parents hits hard. i feel bad for kanon because jessica clearly loves him Way Less than george loves shannon

anje says that asumu gave birth to battler when we know that's not true. is the anje that meets with featherine not seeing any of the purgatory stuff?

i know there's still a "lion" and a "williard" to be introduced because of the fighting game but they still aren't here in chapter 6

[while writing my notes i wrote "anje" and forgot what i was gonna say]

big focus on The Chains this chapter. if knox means that the chain couldn't be set from the outside, how do you make it possible. they could've been shot and staked through holes/traps but knox says that's undiscovered evidence. if knox 8 resolves anything not shown then either its hiding in the room (boring) or the room was never really closed because kanon cut the chain before battler arrived. but genji supposedly saw the door locked and with no sigil so he'd have to be lying too.

if knox Is a misdirection- that is, beato has used secret passages or weird devices or other unrevealed clues- then the amount of focus they've put on it is kinda silly. but what counts as a "clue that's shown to the reader" leaves a lot of wiggle room. like umineko isn't under an obligation to show the necessary clue in the same chapter as the puzzle or anything.

remember when rudolf told battler that he was gonna die soon? when was that. that was probably a big deal.

umineko outright says "pay attention to the romance sections" and idk if that's just a hint for The Promise To Sayo or something more

battler to beato: "i understand magic, so i'd be able to carry you off the game board, i think that was your wish". so is host-beato not just a representative of trauma but explicitly A Headmate to battler?

what's the thematic point of making erika Pathetic. [i'll write more about her when the episode is over]

Alright so there's only one Big Mystery in episode 6, and it's How Do You Get Battler Outta The Room. i'm writing about this no later than featherine tells anje to think about it for herself. "love" is the hint to the intended solution. -_- Erika is Not the Detective, so he could just kill her, but he would still have to deal with the standing red truths. could he argue Kinzo Exists This Time? he died before The Game Begins so i dont think he could be part of the setup. either battler doesn't know how eva and hideyoshi's Chained Room was set up (if it was set up at all) or erika made that setup impossible this time.

the two nonmagical explanations are "not a crime" or "not a closed room". he has to Leave The Room without breaking the tape somehow, so it's not a closed room. (on that subject, i love that battler's first idea for a game is "everyone fakes their deaths". of course he wouldn't want to really hurt them.)

if erika isn't held to knox's 7th (she killed those folks) then battler isn't held to knox's 3rd right? he could make a secret passage? or say that "no secret passages impossible for erika to find" just means erika missed it. but that's a weak answer, it's much stronger to create a possibility for someone to escape the Other sealed rooms to come help him. we haven't said no secret doors or search from erika for them. we do say "unbroken seal means no one has entered or exited" but that just means no one used those particular doors, right? if there's another means of escape it's all okay

in the second half of the chapter: gaap immediately goes through everything i just said. umineko is good, ya'll.

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

If DCLA characters had Tumblr part 9 🕺🏼

🎨 biamakesart Follow

Hi!! I made a new comic 💜 Like and reblog

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

Haha that happened to me and my friends once 🤣

3 notes

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

Randomly remember when my dad explained to me that him and his then fiancée were getting married. But he didn’t say that, he started to do this elaborate story about some papa bear that was on his way to meet mama bear at the meadow and saw a flying unicorn or something. That was his ”metaphors” for how they were getting married.

Some extra context to this story: I was 18 when he told me this.

👩🏻‍🦱 dangerously-beautiful-ant Follow

In that case, how did he explain like… how babies are made?

I both want and do not want to know.

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

”Imagine a pegasus and a unicorn. They love each other very much, and so they run across the rainbow together. Their love causes it to rain ice cream and everyone is so happy! Soon there’s a new pony appearing when the unicorn shoots glitter from its magical horn. All the magical elfs celebrate the arrival of the pony, which of course is purple and sparkles a lot! Now, do you have any questions?”

10 year old me:

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

How did you even go through puberty?!

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

I’m asking myself this every single day.

30 notes

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

When someone has hurt you, remember that everyone has the same bodily functions as you do.

What I am saying is that, whenever someone has made you feel awful, just picture them farting. They aren’t so scary anymore now, are they?

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

I tried this and then I immediately felt bad because I pictured my mom finding out I thought such a ”vulgar” thought about her and shamed me for it

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

Then picture her burping after shaming you. Who is ashamed now?

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

Camila have you pictured these things about me?

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

Yes.

#you’re my childhood rival #I need to picture you doing gross human things so I feel superior

76 notes

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

I remember when my coach told me I reminded her of a singer she loved as a kid. That singer made her heart beat a lot… and that’s why she wanted me to pursue music because I reminded her of it.

Anyway I am theorizing if she had a crush on that singer and now she wants me to give a new generation of girls crushes with my sweet melodies.

✌🏼 arodarmivida Follow

You're already giving this generation of girls crushes on you <3

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Define ”girls”. In plural. Haven’t seen or heard anyone except for Jim.

7 notes

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Tumblr is fun. I interact more with people I know irl on here than I do with them irl.

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Yeah, especially some people who you barely interact with irl and thus you don’t know them well enough to know it’s very obviously their Tumblr blog 🤣

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

He does not even seem to know the tumblr blogs of people he DOES interact with a lot irl. He may just suck at knowing people.

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

I know people!

I wish Gastón was here, he'd defend me.

📸 felicityfornow Follow

@rollertrack

🎥 rollertrack Follow

Oh hi. I’m here. I just don’t post a lot anymore I’m mostly here to send memes to people in DMs.

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Can you help defend me from these people who tease me

🎥 rollertrack Follow

I always got your back, man 🙌🏼 But tbh it’s kind of funny how you aren’t figuring out who people are 😝 Some of these are so easy, and it’s people who I personally don’t talk to a lot either irl!

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Come on man… give me some hints

14 notes

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

At the convention now and I found a nice pin that suited me 💜

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

I love that so much! Wish I could have gone to the convention with you!

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

Have you found any pin for me?

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

I found three pins, all that I think represent us three specifically. Guess which one is yours

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

Please tell me you’re not at the starcon…

🎀 italys-biggest-bow-collector Follow

Oh i’m at the starcon! I’m not cosplaying or anything like that, and I’m into more niche things that I wouldn’t find here in the first place… however, I often end up finding something interesting, something I didn’t think I wanted. Like those pins, or sometimes VHS tapes of old stuff that are impossible to find, or are impossible to find with that dub.

Why? Are you there?

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

She is. She could go without even asking but not me because my dad can’t have control over her, but he refuses to let me do anything…

She’s also in cosplay >:3

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

I’m not in cosplay!!

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

She’s in cosplay ;) You’ll know exactly that it’s her when you see her

28 notes

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Hey I found something interesting while at the con!

I have no idea what the actual babygirls are in that competition but I vote for @rollerskatingonthemoon

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

In that case I vote for you back! 😜

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Yay may the best babygirl win!! 😍

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Why are you two like this

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

ÁMBAR IS A BABYGIRL TOO!!! VOTE FOR HER!!

💍 queenoftherink Follow

See this is why I don’t go to these cons. They make people weird.

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

You’re missing out, we’re cosplaying Team Rocket right now and you would have made a perfect Meowth 😹

44 notes

🥸 jeremias-realperson Follow

If my stepdaughter walks out in an astronaut outfit and cat ears, and having a spacy makeup, should I be concerned about that?

Or is it just the latest fashion?

0 notes

💅🏼 ja-jazmin Follow

I have a new video idea 😁 And I wanna ask you guys here before I ask people irl.

For people with uteruses: If you told your parents you were pregnant today, how would they react?

🎤 singing-is-who-i-am Follow

*wrecks the entire house in an angry rampage* ”WHAT?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!”

🌟 supernova-number-one Follow

”Oh, who’s the father? Ha! Don’t tell me, it was just some random one, huh?”

Then she’d kind of accept it but make comments about me probably being unfit to raise a child (she tried to murder 3 people so idk if she’s the best example of how to be a good mother anyway)

💍 queenoftherink Follow

”I am going to assume you know what you’re doing, and that this was planned. I can provide you a room if you need to, but you have the responsibility yourself.”

It’s funny that I think that because

I live in a mansion with lots of rooms. I could be pregnant with quadruplets and everyone would have their own room

She doesn’t live here anymore

I guess I am just thinking more how she’d react back when she was the owner of the mansion. Like if she didn’t react like that then she’d maybe be supportive and then when the baby is born she tries to get custody of it or at least force me to live with her so she can be close to the child and influenser it.

But today I guess she’d just be like ”I’m happy” or something. She’s going through therapy. So am I because of the fact that she didn’t until now 😀👍

🌼 punk-not-dead Follow

”Oh that’s great, sweetie. Want a cookie?”

(Then we would not discuss it more)

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

I think my parents would be very happy for me, although because of my young age they’d act a bit cautious. But, they’d always be supportive ☺️ If the pregnancy was planned, I think they’d trust me that I’m ready, and if the pregnancy was unplanned, I think they’d support me in whatever choice I make about it.

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

”Congratulations! Have you planned this for long? Do you know the donor?”

(in my case, I’d have to plan it and use a donor)

📸 felicityfornow Follow

Mom: ”You’re kidding! No!” *hugs me* ”Ok! Have you planned it? When’s the due date? Have you picked out a name? Have you bought everything for the nursery? Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? And you know the father is the father? No I’m just asking, sometimes I wonder if your dad is your dad… no, I didn’t cheat on him, but you know… maybe you were switched at birth.”

Dad: ”HI PREGNANT, I’M DAD! Oh, but wait, is it granddad now? No, because it’s YOU who is pregnant and YOU are my daughter, so yes, correct response…”

And bonus: My mom’s wife

”Aww, kisses in the air! Kisses at your belly! Wow! Maybe the child actually is red haired this time, we all thought you would be, but then your dad’s genes got too strong… or I don’t know.”

58 notes

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Last night I dreamt I got triplets, and I made teeny tiny beanies for them.

Anyway anyone wanna make triplets with me? 🥹

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

I’m up for adopting triplets and we can raise them together as best friends who are co-parents 😂 Like your cousin and his band

💍 queenoftherink Follow

I’m up for having 3 children with you (although I’d settle with 2 tbh) but not at ONCE

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Ok but… hear me out…

You two, and another person, are surrogates who give birth at the same time and then I’ll take all the babies and dress them up in beanies

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Yeah no, either get me pregnant and expect ONE child per pregnancy, or raise adopted children with Luna as your platonic co-parent

💅🏼 ja-jazmin Follow

Wait, why can’t he get Luna pregnant? 🤔

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

I don’t want to

💅🏼 ja-jazmin Follow

But why not? I thought you liked him 😉

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Jazmin, to keep this as simple as possible:

Luna and Simón are best friends and despite trying out some romance in the past, that’s all. They are very close and always will be close, but platonically. That’s why they won’t try for a baby, because they don’t have that relationship. If they raise a child it will be as platonic co-parents. And that child would most likely be adopted.

But me? Well… 😏

… Simón, actually, you wanna try for triplets? I can’t promise anything but come to my room in an hour

🛼 rollerskatingonthemoon Follow

Yay I can be a nanny for the potential triplets then 😁 Or one kid. Or twins.

💍 queenoftherink Follow

And Luna please leave the house for an hour or two

🎸 beanie-guitarist Follow

Glad we solved this 🥳

Actually now I’m just excited if I end up with one kid 🤩

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Ok guys tmi

💍 queenoftherink Follow

Your existence is tmi

27 notes

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

I’m sure I can even turn straight girls a little sapphic 😏 /hj

📸 felicityfornow Follow

Hmm, has it ever happened?

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

Well we can start with you. When you wanted to promote my singing and you just wrote a long poem about how my voice takes you to other worlds…

I was very flattered but also you turned into Sappho’s descendant with your descriptions 🙃

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Wait a minute…

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

Wuh-oh

🍓 chico-fresa Follow

Is this Luna’s secret side blog? Why else would Nina write about her singing?

Has Luna been dating Jim all this time?! And she fooled me by saying she ”barely interacted with me” to put me on the wrong path of figuring it out

✌🏼 arodarmivida Follow

HELP no i’m not dating Luna

🏳️‍🌈 creyendoenmi Follow

Matteo is gonna go through every person ever before even considering me

📸 felicityfornow Follow

At this point, I'm wondering if Matteo's gonna find out in the most unexpected and random way.

17 notes

[marindram]

full transcription of Marin's blog from Omega Mart!

huge thanks to @b0chelly for recording a scroll-through, which i typed this out from. (and warning for Omega Mart lore/story spoilers. second half is in reblog)

Marinknows.best

Location: Seven Monolith Village

Last Login: 12/31/2019

Profile Views: 101,275

About me: I love listening to music and glitter

Friends (0)

June 26, 2018

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

So 14 feels way different than 13. For real. I think it's because I was expecting 13 to feel different, but sometimes when you expect something it turns out the opposite ya know?

Plus, 13 is like, "I'm new to being a teenager!!"

14 is more like, "I'm becoming the person I want to be." At least that's how I want it to be. I wanted to start this blog as a record of all that.

I should ask Did you guys feel the same way when you turned 13 and 14?

But probably nobody's gonna read this because I'm just a weirdo in the weird dessert. I mean, I know my best friend Jesse is reading this (hi Jesse). Besides her, crickets.

But yeah, if you are reading this and you don't know me - I live in Seven Monolith Village, a teensy tiny town that you've only heard of if you're into aliens or homesteading. And I'm literally stuck. As in, I'm physically unable to leave. My first memories are of all the adults in my life (Charlie, my great-uncle/father-figure - Rose, my what? Roommate? Mother-figure? Pseudo-aunt? All of the above? and my mom, Cecelia. who doesn't live here) telling me that for some reason, there's something wrong with me that makes it so I can't leave a certain radius of where we live. I got older and thought that they were just exaggerating to keep me safe, but then last year I tried. And it was, let's just say not good.

Anyway. That part of my life sucks, but not everything sucks. This year is all about Marin Dram 2.0. Not new, but definitely improved.

And maybe someday, somehow somebody will read this and care about what I have to say. Somebodies, even. Until then, this is Marin Dram signing off and sending my lame contemplations into the void!

July 1, 2018

Things I Want To Do Before I Turn 20 (and some of these will never happen like are literally unable to happen but JUST LET ME DREAM

1. Kiss someone (who???)

2. Meet HTB (kiss him) (jk he would never) (plus meeting him would be enough)

3. Go to Paris

4. Go to Rome (or somewhere cooler in Italy, look up where is the best pasta???)

5. Go to Greenland (why not???)

6. Go to New York City

7. Go to LA (with a dream and my cardigan lol)

8. Go to the Grand Canyon (this isn't mine, but 9, Jesse is sitting right here and she went to the GC when we were 12 and she's like blah blah blah it's my favorite place in the world and you'll love it. I'm doing this so she'll shut up.

9. Live in a normal house with normal rooms → ideally 12 of them: living room AND TV room, kitchen, dining room, 3 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, study/library.

-plus an upstairs downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I got my own

-plus an upstairs/downstairs

-I'm willing to compromise on the number of rooms as long as there's more than ONE for TWO PEOPLE and I get my own room with an actual door. Very into doors.

10. Go to a mall (Jesse says there's a bunch of bonkers ones in Vegas)

11. Make friends who aren't Jesse (no offense, Jesse)

12. Get Cecelia (my "mom") to teach me about business stuff so I can open my own cool coffeeshop/bookstore someday

13. Learn to drive (ask Charlie to teach me, he's obsessed with his truck) (Jesse says she can teach me because she's Little Miss Mechanic and thinks she knows everything about cars but news flash Jesse: you're you get than me)

14. Figure out my signature style- like I want people to send me pictures of things and be like "this just screamed Marin" and for that to be true

15. Liquid eyeliner??

16. I'm stopping here because I just read over all this and want to die/cry because easily 3/4 of these are literally impossible?

17. Kill me

18. Bye

19. Lololol Charlie just came in and I was complaining about this, not being able to leave and stuff, etc and he said that I should visit new places by... reading books?? And I mean I like to read. But dude. That's the dumbest thing I've ever head.

July 30, 2018

Okay so this is what I want my life to look like:

I want a pink room. Not just pink... P I N K. Cool pink wallpaper (floral? jacquard??), pink carpet, lots of pink flowers everywhere, a four-poster bed with a pink silk canopy, lots of cool pink throw pillows. Like, so pink that

people think I'm being sarcastic! Oh, and BOOKS. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases, and some of the shelves have, like, STUFF on them that isn't books, like gifts people gave me, or things I've collected on my JOURNEYS. You know, normal stuff that people who live on normal places and do normal things have.

If I lived in in this room, it'd be in awhite three-story house at the end of a cul-de-sac (did you know "culs-de-sac" is the plural? Not "cul-de-sacs"? crazy) and I'd wear very classic girly clothes and my hair would always do what I wanted it to. It'd be one of those towns that people call small, but it's actually a city. just one with a kinda small, cozy feeling. Somewhere that gets cold enough to wear cute jackets but not so cold I have to to like, shovel my driveway. Not a non-place with like 100 people where you can't even go outside without going crazy.

August 2nd, 2018

I guess I should explain where I live, for all my avid fans out there! (lol) (hello??)

So like... I don't live on Earth. At least, not the Earth you think of when you think of EARTH. I live in some some weird off-brand version of Earth called the Forked Earth where there are aliens and magic wells of magic energy and everything is MAGIC but like the crappy kind of magic, where the sun never fully rises and some goo called "runoff" has made everything wacky and oh yeah, my mom is responsible for that and everyone here hates her!! LOL

Also, I can't leave! Like, literally can't! Rose says I'm a "special child of Source" and that's why but that LITERALLY explains tells me nothing, in fact it just raises further questions that no one can seem to answer! AHHHHHHHHHH

Anyway, the last time I tried to leave I felt. When I try to leave I feel like I'm being pulled back by something, like you know those old cartoons where someone's on stage doing something dumb and then someone offstage pulls them away with a giant shepard's crook? It felt like that, and when I opened my eyes I was back in 7 Monolith Village. UGH.

I know this sounds crazy!!!!! But believe me when I say that I am the least crazy person here. Also, """here""" is C R A Z Y. Runoff has made everything the bad kind of psychedelic and then people here actually DRINK IT! Not only do I not DRINK THE STUFF THAT HAS MADE THE WORLD INSANE, I also do not talk to aliens (or whatever Nula are) like Rose or believe crazy conspiracy theories like Charlie, so I believe that qualifies me as the most normal person in the Forked Earth, thank you for this honor, I accept this award with humility and grace!

September 4, 2018

I had the weirdest dream last night?? I was swimming in a pool full of cereal, and when I came up for air, my mom was pouring milk on my head like she was rinsing my hair. She had her hand over my face like I was a little kid and she was shielding me from soap getting in my eyes.

Anyway I have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I went to bed hungry and I need to take a shower? Lol

October 16, 2018

I was trying to hide this entry from Jesse, but JESSE IS A NOSY PERSON. She says that blogs are for readers, and if I wanted something to be private then I should "Just write in a fucking notebook and hide it under your bed like a normal person, Marin." I'm allowed to have secrets!! Anyway, I'm making her a freaking playlist, that's why I wouldn't tell her what I was writing about. but EVEN STILL! I'm allowed to have secrets!! But I have this blog because I wanna get my feelings out, I wanna see everything in my head typed out all nice in a way that doesn't make it look insane. You know? I don't know who I'm asking.) Because, it's not like I go to a normal school or have a normal life where I'm surrounded by normal people I can talk to. No one knows about me! I'm trapped in this crazy place and This blog is my only outlet to the world outside. I KNOW that's heavy but it's true! The point is: Jesse's birthday is coming up. The central consistent thing in pretty much my whole life is sharing headphones with her and listening to music. The soundtrack to my entire existence is her. I wish I had money and could buy her the best presents of all time, but I can make her the best playlist of all time. I want it to be so good it feels like magic. I want her to think I'm magic. I had another dream the other night. I don't remember much, just glitter. I must be crafting too much. Or looking at festival makeup tutorials. Or both.

November 12, 2018

WARNING- Weird thoughts ahead, lol.

I can never tell which feelings are normal, and which are me being a giant weirdo. But for as long as I can remember, I've had this feeling like every part of my body that's possible to have a ribbon tied around it, has a ribbon tied around it. It's so weird. I can't see the other end of the ribbons - how far they go. where they're attached, nothing. And sometimes it's fine, because sometimes I can hardly feel them. I can forget about them for days at a time, weeks, months if I'm lucky. But then other times I can feel them like, pulling at me. It's freaking spooky, to have something pulling at you from somewhere you can't see. I can't tell if it's pulling me toward whatever it is? Or if it's trying to warn me? Or if I'm just insane??

Does that make sense? Does anybody else feel that way? (she asks into the void)

So idk I guess this ribbons-feeling is why I'm really careful all the time. Like I'm just a careful person. Charlie tried to give me a hard time about it, and I can't be like "I don't wanna pull back in the ribbons too hard without realizing it and wreck something!" because he'd be like "WTF Marin, do we need to get you help?" But also, more and more, I want to be the opposite of careful. I want to take a pair of comically oversized scissors and cut the ribbons into so many pieces that nobody can even tell what they are any more.

I don't know why I'm such a freak, only that I am. I don't know why I can't leave 7 Monolith, only that I can't. But there must be a reason, even if I can't see it, and I feel like it makes sense that the ribbons-feeling is part of that reason, right?

There's just a lot.

January 15, 2019

Happy new year! Lol I forgot to write on the actual first day of 2019, but OH WELL!

I got this new glitter nail polish, thanks to the monthly makeup subscription box my "mom" sends me as an outlet for her abandonment guilt. It has like, every color glitter imaginable without quite reading as "rainbow" which is fine just not really what I was in the mood for and it's vaguely halographic and shifts into all these different colors depending on the light. I'm obsessed. Anyway.

I was putting on another layer because I chipped it like 20 minutes into wearing it, and all of a sudden I had this feeling like I recognized the glitter? Like I felt this thing way deep in my gut and for a minute I couldn't breathe. It's the closest thing I've felt to how books and movies make Christmas look. Like I was home, with family, cookies and cider and all that stuff. Familiar and safe. I almost didn't recognize that feeling. And it came from the nail polish. How weird is that.

I mean, I don't want to make it sound like I've had this awful Charles Dickens childhood - Rose and Charlie are the best ever and always there for me and I love them a lot. But things never feel like...home. You know?

My mom always says this cryptic stuff about how I'm "special" and I wanna strangle her because I'm not, but you try getting my mom to stop doing anything she wants to do. Rose told me once that one day, I would "lead the charge into a new era of existence and access" because I'm "of the Source" and I was like uhhhh okay?? Charlie mostly treats me pretty normal, except when I ask him questions about our family. my mom or any Dram. He knows that I want to know more about them and he's my only real entrypoint, but apparently he's like the black sheep of that whole family. He and my mom were close way back right before I was born, but now whenever she comes to visit he barely even looks at her.

So that's to say: nobody tells me anything, ever.

January 16, 2019

Okay this is so weird. I wrote that entry yesterday about glitter and then last night I dreamed about glitter. Then I woke up with purple glitter in my bed?? Like not a lot, so at first I thought it was from my nail polish, but it was just a handful of purely purple glitter that looks nothing like my nail polish. SO WEIRD!!!!!!

February 14, 2019

Rose has an old book full of "ye olde" style fairy tales, and I flipped through it for the first time in forever today.

Not so weirdly, I've always been drawn to the story of Rapunzel.

Rapunzel couldn't leave the tower, or else she'd break her neck and die.

Same.

February 19, 2019

I was reading this article the other day in one of the teen magazines my "mom" gets me a subscription to and it was all about body positivity, which is great, but it was basically just like "wear a crop top if you wannna wear a crop top! it doesn't matter what size you are! You go, girl!" And like, sure. Yes. I am all for that. But doesn't it seem like there are some steps missing in there? Like, I can physically put on a crop top and wear it outside. But how do I convince myself that everybody isn't looking at me and making fun of me in their minds? How do I unlearn the last almost-fifteen years? How do I get actually positive about my body, not just put on a crop top and fight the urge to cry all day?

It's the same thing like when my mom sends me brochures from the CEO camp she ten when she was my age (her dad started the camp for her, which is an insane thing just by itself, but she did all the work, which is even more insane) and she's like "Marin, you lack direction for your life" and I'm like, cool mom. Yeah. I can see that. What I can't see is how to get there from here.

March 2, 2019

This is what I want my life to look like, volume 2:

The walls of my room are covered in Polaroids of me and my friends. There are lots of mirrors in all kinds of shapes. hearts and moons and stars. There's a record player and a lot of vintage records by Billie Holiday and Lena Horne and Peggy Lee and Nina Simone. And Christmas lights! Everywhere! Lots of of pink and purple Christmas lights everywhere.

If I lived in this room, I'd have so many friends and be part of so many clubs. My best friend would have a collection of vintage cameras, and every place we go to that has a photo booth, we'd get photos taken. Every time I'd look at myself in one of those mirrors, I'd feel happy at what I see and never weird or sad. (Jesse hates taking pictures, so even when I actually do normal stuff with her there's no evidence. What even is a life supposed to be without evidence? That's not an actual question you need to answer Jesse, it's just a question)

Anyway, if I lived in this kind of room, my mom would probably be like, an art history professor at a liberal arts college. That's how come everything looks so cool, because I would know stuff about art. My mom and I would love to try new recipes together. We get each other new cookbooks for every special occasion, and right now we're working out way through a Moroccan one. Moroccan Mondays.

In actuality, there's a dust storm happening outside and my eyes sting.

March 9, 2019

Here's what I'm obsessed with lately.

Can. You. EVEN???

February 3, 2020

Omg I totally forgot this blog existed!!

I lost the password and instead of just resetting it I got in one of my super stubborn moods (Taurus moon lol) and just kept putting in guesses and jokes on me, it locked me out. Anyway, that's a boring story.

But my friend Ximena is really good at hacking and stuff, so she got me back in. Yeah you read that right - I have friends. Obviously a lot has happened since my last post. Ximena moved out here a couple months ago (X's family used to live here but they moved away a while ago) and she introduced me to Lora who I sorta-not-really already knew, and Jesse and I have been hanging out with them a ton. Jesse kind of more than me. Which is fine!!

Anyway I'm 15 now? If I lived somewhere normal I'd be psyched about almost being 16, because I'd get a car and have a Sweet Sixteen and eat a huge PINK cake, but I don't!

February 16, 2020

I read this fanfic the other night that was written in the second person so everything was like "you." "you're doing this" etc you know?

So... You go to a drive-in movie with Heartthrob Boy, and he spills soda on you by accident. And you take off your shirt ( you have a tank top on, don't worry) to clean it up, bit you're still all sticky and self-conscious about being sticky and HTB like... used his tongue to get it off??? AAHHHHH I'M DISGUSTING

but also I wonder if a boy will ever touch any part of me with his tongue

March 2, 2020

Hi I don't know if you heard but I have friends :)))

March 15, 2020

I think I'm so into painting my nails and doing my hair because those are things that always fit. I don't have to worry about places not carrying about a size 8, or places that carry XLs but when you read the measurements they're actually size 8s too and it's like jesus if that's an XL what am I

My "mom" was confused why I needed new pants because mine still look new, but I showed her the thigh holes and she was like "that's a weird place for a hole, how did that happen" and I realized that when your legs are a certain size, you just don't know about thigh rub and what it does to clothes. Pants could just last for years.

No matter what, I can paint my nails with a different color nail polish on every finger, and I can always do a braid crown. And I know I'm cute as hell, etc, so this is not a Marin Needs to Learn to Love Herself thing. It's just an UGH thing

April 17, 2020

So Rose does all these Source experiments on plants and flowers and stuff. Tbh, it's just one if those things I hardly even register anymore because it's just always there. She's explained to me a million times what Source is/does/means, but the way Rose explains things sometimes is just a LOT to take in and she refers to me as a "child of Source" but I kinda figure that's like "child of God" right? What else would that mean?

But anyway, it's really annoying because dried flowers are a part of my new aesthetic and I pinned a bunch of them up on my wall but I woke up this morning to a freaking jungle of very alive flowers. I freaked out. on Rose, and she Rose said she didn't do it and I was like WELL THEN WHO DID and she said that I did??

Which like. Obviously that doesn't make sense. I asked her what she meant and She just shook her head and said " It's happening. We should have known" which is some horror movie shit that she refused to elaborate on. I love to feel safe and normal!!

Or maybe it's not a horror movie at all. But maybe it's a superhero movie? Maybe there's some kind of origin story I don't know about yet, and all of this will be worth it once I figure out my powers. I wonder what my costume will look like. Lol.

April 23, 2020

Is it possible to die from longing? I know that sounds melodramatic, but I'm also kinda serious?? Because it seems like one of those things that could fester and get infected and kill you. It's like when you fall down and bang up your knee, and you need to put a band-aid on the scrape for a while, but THEN you need to air it out - but how do you know when you're supposed to do each one of those things? And if you do either one too much, your knee gets infected. What if I smother my heart with band-aids for too long and it gets infected? This isn't about anybody. I just keep having these dreams about someone I never expected to have dreams about and they're so intense that they keep leaking into my life and I wonder if I need to do something about them.

May 2, 2020

So Jesse's gotten really into metal music, and I tried to get her to play me something since, AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED, that's what we've literally ALWAYS DONE with music and each other, and she kinda looked at Ximena out of the corner of her eye and said like "I don't think it's really your thing" And it was the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.

So later I looked up Zenion, the band she was talking about, and I listened to every single fucking song they've ever recorded turned up as loud as it could go with my own headphones that are better than hers anyway, and I loved it. And I didn't love it just because she said I wouldn't. I loved it because it was loud and weird and wild and when I listened to it it made me feel like it's not crazy when so feel stuff so hard it's like my heart's gonna vibrate out of my body. And I would have told Jesse all this and we could have shared it, but I guess she thinks just because I like HTB and glitter and stuff, I don't have the capacity for anything else.

She clearly doesn't know me at all. So much for any kind of whatever, why would she ever want to kiss someone she clearly sees as like a stupid baby.

May 7, 2020

The dreams are getting weirder and they're happening more. I'm getting scared to go to sleep. Not that the dreams are always scary (they almost never are, or not scary like in a typically scary horror movie way). I mean, I've only ever been me. I don't know what other peoples' dreams are like.

The other night in one I was jumping on a trampoline, which is something I've never done in real life. I told Rose about it when I woke up, and she said "do you even know how to jump on a trampoline?" and I said "Rose, it's not like riding a bike. You don't have to learn. You just jump." and then we got into this whole thing about how some things we just know, and jumping's one of them, and how that's so weird. Sometimes I really like talking to Rose about stuff.

May 19, 2020

So, it's prom season in the real world. If I lived somewhere normal, my prom dress would be pink with lots of tulle and silk flowers at the shoulders, and it would fit perfectly and trying in dresses would be fun and not anxiety-inducing.

But since there are only like 10 teenagers currently in 7MV, were not having a homecoming. Cool.

May 27, 2020

So, mom came to visit this weekend, and I asked her about her prom. She was Typical Cecelia at first, very "Prom is a waste of time and money, Marin. It's a night when lesser people play dress-up to engage with their aspirations of grandeur." And I was like eyeroll forever and just stopped talking. BUT THEN she actually talked to me like a human being. She was like, "I actually didn't go to my prom" and when I asked her why she said that she didn't have a date, and was very self-conscious about it. I almost passed out at her admitting that she's ever been anything less than perfect.

(gonna continue this in reblog)

[oneusmyeongju]

On a mission | Oneus (ot6)

Pairing: Reader, RAVN, Leedo, Seoho, Keonhee, Hwanwoong and Xion.

Description: Keonhee being too perfect for this world Y/N began to question herself. And to find the answer, she began to write a plan to find out.

Word count: 4.4K (4453)

Everything began with a simple question.

"Is Keonhee a robot or a human being?"

I don't know why this came to my mind, but it was just a question that got me thinking for several weeks and still got no answer.

I was on my couch, looking at Musik Bank when Oneus appeared, they appeared with their new comeback "To be or not to be". I was just listening and enjoy the music when an idea came to my mind, just as random as the first one.

"Why can't I disguise myself as a make-up artist or something to gain more information?"

Immediately when my question came to my mind I stood up and walk around the living room to think better. I wasn't a spy or something I was just playing around.

And I looked for one more time to the TV and at that moment the camera was zooming on Keonhee's face. And took a paper and a pencil to write my non-fantastic plan on paper to execute the plan.

So at 7:30 A.M sharp, I will be at RBW entrance, with a bag in my hand pretending to be a delivery man saying that Oneus bought food. When I will make sure I am safe in the building without anyone noticing I'm there. I will find out where Oneus practice room is, and I will say I work as a composer but I am new and don't know the building well blah, blah, blah. Then I will take all the information they know without suspicion, then I will be ready to put my plan in function.

I wrote my mission in a text, but easy for me to remember I write at the back of the paper.

1. Enter in RBW, without getting caught, pretending to be a delivery man.

2.When you finally get in Oneus practice room gain information about something you can find your answer (luckily and preferring to be a concert as soon as possible)

I looked one more time to read what I wrote, it sounded risky, and it will impossible to make this without any suspicion on me.

I took a deep breath and close my eyes. I imagine how all this will be working out, and was a pretty well plan. But I am clumsy and luck wouldn't be on my side.

I was trying to stop to think about the plan and without thinking I was going tomorrow at the RBW, pretending to be a delivery man.

---------------------------------------------

I woke up at 6 A.M to make sure I had enough time to buy all that food. And as I walked somewhere to buy food my mind went blank for a second.

How someone will buy food at 7:30 A.M? I will just go maybe at 10 A.M, is a good time.

I bought all the food it was hamburgers, pizza, cola and ice cream. And instead, to buy a bag of food, I bought two bags.

---------------------------------------------

I shook my head and took again a deep breath when I was finally at RBW at the front door.

When I was entering, a man who was just about to stop me from entering was saying loud and clear:

"I'm sorry miss but visitors can't enter yet, don't you mind coming never?"

I thought that my plan was already ruined but I raise the bags and said:

"I am not a visitor I was just delivering food to this place. And the address said to come here. Don't you mind letting me in? I am just doing my job."

The man was somehow confused, he looked close to my bags and said:

"Ahhh, I didn't saw the bags. Sorry miss. You can enter."

And he let me in. The first mission COMPLETE and I was about to say "goodbye" when I said in a whisper.

"You better be sorry.", I was just about to take the elevator when the man said:

"You said something just now?"

"No nothing. I was saying goodbye, sir.", I was speaking with a rush voice, but he raises his shoulders and said nothing in return.

And after that, I press the button to go on the first floor. And with my phone in my hand, I just looked at the old Vlive where Xion and Hwanwoong were showing the first floor of the RBW building.

I was just looking but I haven't got enough time to memorise, while I was still in the elevator and when I got off. I was still looking at the Vlive I was intensely watching, trying to figure out where I must go.

Walking and walking for some time, I was just about to ask someone to tell me where Oneus practice room is when I bumped into a person. I got scared and dropped the bags and my phone, hit the floor.

I looked up, and Leedo was there.

That's why I was scared so much, I said in my mind.

But he took the phone and the bags, giving them to me saying that he was sorry, and for a split second, he looked at my phone.

"You are a huge fan, no? I can see on this Vlive you were watching right now."

My mouth was opening and closing in shook and give the bags to him:

"This is for you."

"For me?", Leedo was just saying confused as ever.

"No, not for you for all the members. You plural, not you singular."

"This is tricky", he said while I was just laughing silently at him.

For a second I forgot what I was supposed to do, and trying to remember my plan I said:

"Ahh, and one more thing. I am not a fan. I am a compositor but I got all lost and don't know where I am right now, anyway if I was a fan the security guy wouldn't let me in, riiiiight?"

He was just thinking looking at me blankly and nodded.

"And where you are trying to go?"

"I wanted to meet all the artists and I knew only Oneus, soooo I was just looking to meet the artists who I am going to work with.", these words came into my mind right away, it wasn't true but for Leedo was making sense, and so for me.

And following my plan, Leedo was just making this for me a lot easier than I thought, going me to the Oneus practice room.

But when I got there my hopes went -100%. I didn't think how I was supposed to get the information when I can't speak for no reason.

Everyone was just dancing prepare for maybe a concert. And Leedo with a cheerful and friendly voice was saying to his members:

"I'm back, with someone, is new here so don't be harsh with her".

I walked a few steps behind, making me stop because of the door that was blocking my way.

Everyone was looking at me, waiting for me to speak and introduce myself. And I was trying to keep my cool and trying to speak what was on my mind.

"H... hello. I'm Y/N a...and I am the new compositor. I... I'm looking forward w... working with you."

I didn't know why I was so nervous. Maybe because of my bias Keonhee who was just looking at me. Trying to not make eye contact with him, because I probably faint I looked at others, making random eye contact with Hwanwoong.

I was working hard to gain information, I did all this, I didn't want to quit and leave because of my bias, so I took for the 100th time a deep breath and looked at everyone else except Keonhee.

I was walking into the centre of the room and sat down and everyone does the same thing with some suspicion on their faces.

I was smiling and now was step two, gain as much as information you could.

And without looking at Keonhee I began to speak.

"Sorry, for interrupting your dance practice, but if you all don't mind, can I ask you a question? You have a concert or something?"

After I spoke, the room was filling with silence and RAVN's voice was breaking the awkwardness and the silence that filled the room for 30 seconds.

"Yeah, we have a concert... Somehow. We have a fan meeting. And it's on 27th."

Inside me, I was so happy it was in 3 days the fan meeting, and I can find my answer quickly, but I tried hard not to express myself too much. But I hadn't much time for thinking, because Seoho's voice can be heard.

"Sooooo, you are a composer. Don't you mind showing us, you are a REAL composer? And not some random human who is an nr.1 fan and wanted to gain information because you wanted to do something?"

I was frozen in my place, he didn't know my plan, I thought of it yesterday. It's impossible, and I don't know how to compose some lyrics, now I really wanted to quit. But I looked at Keonhee and shook my head, and my mouth was speaking on its own.

"Sure I can prove it. I AM a real composer."

Everyone was looking at me, they didn't believe me. But I can't give up.

Seoho took a pencil and a blank paper and said:

"You can write about anything. You are going there," and he was pointing to a couch at the corner of the practice room, where there was a table too," and we will prepare for the fan meeting."

I was feeling I was on a test but I go and sit on the couch with the blank paper on my face.

This wasn't according to the plan, but I can't lose now. Seoho believes that I am not a composer, but I will prove him wrong.

I'm not gonna lie, in 15 minutes I was just looking on my paper without writing anything.

And while looking on the wall, a message appears on my phone. And it was just a stupid notification. I looked at my Keonhee wallpaper when suddenly disappear and it was a black screen reflecting my face instead, then I couldn't stop writing.

Leave your phone off a while

Us in the mirror

Just the two of us in this maze

The reflection of you and me in this mirror, mirror, mirror, mirror

It might be heaven's joke

Stuck inside a square frame

Endlessly push and pull

From the darkness above the clouds, you shine light

Phenomenon Phenomenon

Open the doors to this space

Between you and me, me and you

Erase what's not needed

Connect the two, connect the two

Even with time and space against us, you're still my love

You know, 0 and 1, don't wait

I can look at you. I don't care about anyone else

Remember it's only you and me in the mirror

It took me 1 hour but, writing some lyrics was somehow great. I didn't have a chance to say I finished it, because Keonhee took the paper and look at it.

I was nervous, thinking that he wouldn't like it if he found that the inspiration was because of a wallpaper of him that I had on my phone.

He read it out loud and my face was down, blushing. And without interrupting him I listened to Keonhee's voice, so the others.

When he finished it, everyone was surprised looking at me more believable than before, when I entered the first time here.

"You did a great job here Y/N", Keonhee's arm was touching my shoulder, and the only thing I could hear was Seoho's voice making me raise my head, slowly.

"Sorry, for doubting you. But you don't look like a composer to me."

"The same goes for me", said Hwanwoong. "And for everyone, I'm looking forward to working with you, too."

I saw everyone's face, feeling sorry for everything. But I didn't want to see them like this and I began to smile.

"Everyone, don't feel sad. If I was in your place I would do the same. You can use these lyrics for a comeback or something, soon. I will go.", I stood up from my chair, going to the exit door. I was so close to leaving, but Xion's voice kept me for a few seconds.

"I feel sorry, too but for making you feeling better, why don't you come to the fan meeting."

My heart dropped, I was so happy. My mission became easier and easier, thanks to everyone.

I slowly leave the building, with Xion's words in my mind. I wanted to do this, but I slowly wanted to accept that Keonhee is just a human.

---------------------------------------------

The next day. I was on the same couch on the same spot with the same pen, but with another paper on my coffee table. And I started writing the next plan.

But before, I bought a ticket to the Oneus fan meeting, it was at 3:15 P.M, it wasn't so far away as I thought, so it was again easier for me.

So, I will be at the fan meeting at 3:10 P.M. 5 minutes I will just go to find my seat. Then they begin the fan meeting, and I will be there just sitting in my seat. Then when I am sure they saw me I go to the backstage without any noticing from anyone, and get into the artist room. And when I will go to the artist room. Then I don't know, fill a bucket with water, or just splash him with a bottle or a cup filled up with water. But before I will just make sure that nobody is in my way. Just Keonhee and me, then if he IS a robot I will run and hide where I can, and if he ISN'T a robot probably I would get kicked out and Keonhee will be mad at me, saying to Seoho and everyone that Seoho was right, that I wasn't a composer and hate me, everyone, forever.

I looked at the paper filled up with my writing and the plan was way riskier than I thought. I didn't have a plan to lure the bodyguard, but maybe I would come up with a solution in the case at the right time.

Shortly:

1. I will be at the fan meeting on time.

2.I will sneak up to the backstage when I make sure one member notice me.

3. Splash some water when you and Keonhee are alone.

4.RUN!!!!!!!! Don't get caught.

My head starts hurting when I looked at my plan, but it was worth trying. I hadn't anything to lose. Maybe I will come back kicked out with a restraining order from Oneus, but I wasn't going to meet them again if that happens.

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27.09. I was at the fan meeting at 3 P.M, because I was so nervous and I ended up coming a little early. But the fans didn't wait for a special invitation. When I was entering the room where was taking place the fan meeting. All fans were speaking loudly and everyone was pushing for just a better view.

I looked at my ticket, it was the 10th seat, but I didn't think I will end up fiding my seat at all. It was too crowded.

Trying to find my seat for 15 minutes, but I didn't have a chance to find my seat and I was just standing on my feet. The fans have the vocal cords very strong because my ears wanted to fall off when Oneus was just introducing themselves.

I knew they were excited, but when I met them a few days ago, I wasn't like this. It was just an excitement mixed up with a little fear. And today I felt the same way.

There a lot of fans who were just going to speak with them and getting autographs from them. But I was just looking, with the fans behind me pushed me every second to get a chance.

I was on my feet for like 30 minutes or more, when a crazy fan pushed me too hard and I didn't know what exactly was happening, but I knew I was down on the floor with my right feet hurting me badly.

Good job Y/N.

I said to myself, I wanted to make something but I ended up just hurting myself emotionally and physically.

I heard Leedo raising his voice to his fans.

"Please, To Moons I know you all are very excited and all but I think someone fell, please go back 3 steps, just 3 to make sure everyone's all right."

Fans didn't want to go back from their idols. But they had no choice, Leedo was repeating the same sentence again and again and the other members followed him saying again the same phrase.

They go more than just 3 steps, and my eyes met with everyone else. And they were just frozen in the place like me, making eye contact with everyone, even with Keonhee.

Seoho didn't stay for too long, because he wanted to help me get up as soon as possible.

"Are you all right, if you want we can call the ambulance.", said Seoho with a rush voice.

"I'm ok, don't need to worry.", even if my leg was hurting me I didn't want to quit right now.

Seoho breathes in relief and everyone does the same thing. Fans were somehow jealous of me and Seoho, but they made this not me. They got what they deserve.

Seoho, looked at me and I don't know if he wanted to be safe or not, he just said.

"Y/N, we have some ice bags in backstage in Oneus room, can Keonhee walk you there because I have some autographs to give."

I nodded, and my plan was just going fine.

It wasn't bad after all. The fans contributed to my plan, so I am happy.

Step 3, go to the backstage.

My mission was going to end, but I didn't want to end so soon.

Keonhee said what he was told by his hyung and took me in the backstage making me go into the "Oneus" room.

"It's ok, you can leave now. I'm alright don't need to worry.", I said without thinking twice, without thinking about the plan. I just wanted Keonhee to have fun with his fans.

He stayed silent when he was putting me on the couch, searching for the ice bag.

"We want to be everyone ok. I can't leave, Seoho and Leedo will be making sure that I made what I was told to, so it's not a clever idea."

I can't contradict Keonhee because he knows he's hyungs the best. I'm not here to contradict, I'm here to find out the truth behind Keonhee.

I looked around the room and I can't see something with water to splash Keonhee, so I asked Keonhee:

"Keonhee, I want to drink water, can you tell me where to go?"

"Just stay... I would get the water, for you, just wait a little bit longer."

After some minutes RAVN appeared, running:

"Keonhee, the fans got crazy and everyone is asking about you, I would find the ice bag and you can go there. Keonhee, please!"

Keonhee leaves the room, feeling a bit disappointed. But RAVN found the ice bag so quickly that I didn't had a chance to blink.

"Here, is. Take this and wait when it's over ok?"

I nodded and RAVN disappeared, leaving the room. I put the ice bag on my leg. It hurts so much, I didn't know exactly how my leg was hurting this badly. But after I fell, fans were just ignoring me, step on my right leg, that one who was hurting me from the beginning.

Crazy fans.

The room was filling up with silence and I looked around.

This is my chance, to bring a cup of water.

I said in my mind, but Keonhee said that he would take care of it. I stayed on the couch without moving an inch. When someone was opening the door.

It was Keonhee with a cup of water in his hand. He gave it to me without saying anything. Then leave as fast as he could.

Why everything is in a rush?

I was staying sad because, couldn't make my final mission, the last and only mission. That mission to splash Keonhee in the face.

Keonhee is Keonhee, he wouldn't let me if I ask him nicely, it must be a surprise for him. But he is just too perfect to be a human. That's why I asked that question.

And without doing anything, my mind went to how I became with that question in the first place.

I was in my room with my phone in my hand and I was just scrolling on Instagram when a notification appeared on my screen.

It was from Oneus. The new song "To be or not to be". I listened 10 times, and after that, I was just looking on Youtube to an unboxing to Oneus album "Lived".

I was just looking at the photos when Keonhee's photos appeared by flipping the next page. I take a look closely and without thinking I order myself one album.

After 5 days the package arrived and when I took the album and saw Keonhee's picture, I knew I had to do something. His face, his eyes, his skin, his nose even his lips are too perfect.

But the way he acts when he is not on the stage made me think I was thinking wrong about him.

But the more photos I looked at, the more I was thinking about the question that it was bothering me for several weeks.

"Is Keonhee a robot or a human being?"

That's how all began, it was just a simple story.

But I looked at all my surroundings and saw where I was. A room filled up with make-up with backpacks and mirrors.

What I have done?

That was the only question that I had at that time.

My leg was killing me, it's hurts so much than before, and I wanted to run. But Oneus came.

I was feeling anxious and when I and Keonhee eyes met. I felt sorry for him, before making sudden moves.

Everyone was asking me if I was ok but I repeat the same thing with a forced smile on my face.

I didn't know if they believe me, but my leg didn't want to cooperate with me. They looked at my leg, and I saw that my leg was bigger than my usual leg.

Hwanwoong panicked and was about to call the ambulance.

"I'm fine, don't call the ambulance. Excuse me, I will go home now."

And as I stood up, my legs felt shaky, thought that my legs were about to fall in every second. And I began to leave the room.

When I closed the door. The door began to open again. It was just Keonhee with the cup of water in his hand, that I didn't even take a sip from it.

"You didn't even drink your water", he said while giving me the cup.

I looked at my cup and without a second thought my hand was moving on its own, splashing Keonhee right in his face, and suddenly feeling a lot better I began to run. Trying to get to the exit.

The bodyguard let me go, even if my right leg was about to give up.

I was about to call a taxi when an arm was on my shoulder, I knew who it was. It was the second time he has done this.

"Don't feel sorry, and for a guess, you are not a composer either you wanted to find the answer to your question?"

I looked back and saw Keonhee with the water dripping from his chin. I couldn't hold myself to laugh, so I began to laugh as hard as I could. Keonhee was looking me confused and gave him a thumbs up.

Saying that it was true.

He wasn't mad, he didn't want to make anything. He was just surprised that a fan HAD done something like that.

The sirens become louder and louder. Someone had called the ambulance, then Keonhee said to me, the last sentence he could say:

"Seoho was right, but I can't blame you either. Real or not? I will ask myself the same question if I were you, maybe I've done the same thing. Don't...

He didn't have a chance to finish his sentence. And when the ambulance arrived I had gone on my feet inside to take me to the hospital.

When I entered the ambulance with my corner of the eye I saw the rest of the members looking at me with a happy and bright smile. I smiled back.

When the ambulance was taking Y/N to the hospital, Keonhee with a whispering voice continued.

"Don't be sad. You don't deserve to be sad just for this."

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The next day I was in my bedroom on my desk writing in my journal, everything that happened, with the ending and answering my question.

"Is Keonhee a human being or not?"

Answer: He is a human, and he would ask himself the same question, too.

My leg was in gypsum and didn't hurt me anymore. I took my crutches and began to go into the living room looking at the TV once again.

On the coffee table, I saw the papers I wrote my non so fantastic plan, and in the end, I ended up being somehow friends with him.

---------------------------------------------

The days passed so fast that I was pretty much used to my old life before the plan. And everything became to go to normal.

When 8 months later I saw something I didn't believe.

Oneus was announcing their 5th mini album and I was in Poland for a week so I missed it. But when I came home I listened to the song everyone was talking about so much.

The title track was "Black Mirror" and from the title, I knew it was something familiar.

I think, it was some weird coincidence, but when I heard the lyrics I knew it was the lyrics I wrote. They made more lyrics to the song, but 30% was my work or something like that. (I'm not good at matemathics.)

I listened to the song with a big and bright smile on my face.

Now every time I hear "Black Mirror" my mind always will be going to the day, when my stupid plan was somehow good. Making me and Keonhee meet each other and be friends at the end of this story.