#aren't something I need to be embarrassed about and I should allow myself to be expressive about what brings me joy or something.

[ghostprinceiii]

Okay it's 4am so this is gonna be kinda sappy or whatever but So Much of what I read involves romance (and I read,,, So Much in general) that I've kinda become desensitized? to it? or something? Idk I've gotten really used to it and I can appreciate it in writing from like a narrative standpoint or whatever, but then occasionally I'll come across a story about an aromantic/aroace character and I just have one of those "oh" moments, y'know? where I'm reminded that I can be happy too. I could have the kind of meaningful relationships these characters have and I don't have to force myself into a romantic relationship to have that. Like, that's genuinely an option and it's so good. Cuz, like, I knew that, but until you see an example of it and you can kindof picture yourself like that more clearly you don't really know it.

[homunculus-argument]

It's actually kind of funny how much brain space you can free just by adopting the principle of "if it's not hurting anybody, it's probably fine". If you don't know whether you should or should not do something, pause and try to figure out who's going to get hurt if you do that. If you struggle trying to come up with any imaginary hypothetical person who would be harmed by whatever you're doing, you're probably not going to benefit from listening to that doubting voice telling you that you're not allowed to do that.

Once I learned how to make friends and started finding people who actually liked me and supported me, my family started warning me about surrounding myself in toxic echo chambers that uncritically affirm and validate whatever I'm telling them, and believing whatever they say. Of course the people who have only heard my side of the story would believe whatever I'm telling them and side with me, they haven't heard their side of what happened. That it's unfair of me to poison people against them by telling people how they make me feel, when they aren't there to argue in their own defense. That family needs to be there to tell you the hard things about yourself and criticise the things you're doing, because strangers don't love you enough to tell you to stop doing ugly and cringe things, and correct you when you're being embarrassing.

That losing yourself into uncritical echo chambers of blind support and affirmation, without being held back by the leash of the critical eye of your family is bad because.... Yes, why? Who is being harmed if I do so? Am I being harmed by being surrounded by people who are utterly delusional in their opinion that I am fun and likeable? Who don't tell me when I am acting sickeningly wrong because they don't have the decency to smack me for doing that? Who never make me cry by telling me about every single thing that I am always doing wrong?

Who is harmed by my happiness? Why is it wrong to surround myself with people who are utterly delusional in their belief that I'm not a bad person? Why not entirely lose my grasp of reality as my family sees it, and believe them?

[tetheredfeathers]

Beach scene.

"I do," I say. "I need you." He looks upset, takes a deep breath as if to begin a long argument, and that's no good, no good at all, because he'll start going on about Prim and my mother and everything and I'll just get confused. So before he can talk, I stop his lips with a kiss.

I feel that thing again. The thing I only felt once before. In the cave last year, when I was trying to get Haymitch to send us food. I kissed Peeta about a thousand times during those Games and after. But there was only one kiss that made me feel something stir deep inside. Only one that made me want more. But my head wound started bleeding and he made me lie down. This time, there is nothing but us to interrupt us.

My hands cup either side of his face, his stubble feels rough against my smooth hands. My cold lips envelop his impossibly warm ones, my hands make their way around the nape of his neck, and a sudden desire to pull on his golden curls overtakes me. A certain urgency invades my senses. I lose comprehension of reality and the gravity of the situation we are in.

His hands come around my shoulders to caress me, I think, until he pushes me away. My face surges with embarrassment. In what world would Peeta refuse my kisses? Is he out of his mind?

"Katn-iss, lo-ve, listen," he attempts to speak as I slither my hands down his waist, lifting the hem of his undershirt. "Yo-u're the one w-ho should—"

My heart races as his swollen lips form the word "love." Is he saying this for the audience, or does he really want to call me love? I am his love, aren't I? I think of a world where Peeta would come home from work every day and say, "Love, I'm home." Oh, how I would long for him all day, both our faces lighting up brighter than every star collected as we make our way to each other.

"Don't 'love' me," I spit, fuming at his selflessness. How dare he try to sacrifice himself for me? How dare he think I could survive one day on this earth without him? How dare he not realize how much I need him? My body heaves with anger and passion, lighting an ethereal flame as I engulf his lips once again. I lose all restraint, one hand aggressively tugging at his blonde locks and the other swiftly removing his shirt. I absorb his words with my mouth, sliding my tongue across his upper lip. A breathy sigh escapes from his mouth, sending shooting stars into my head. He finally gives in and unlatches his lips, allowing my tongue to enter. His tongue is no competition for mine; I push him over and explore his mouth with unearthly desire.

In the caressing silence that follows, I find myself on top of him, straddling his lap. I grind my hips against him, breathing out his name as I feel his arousal against my core. His burning chest heaves harder against me as he peppers my neck with kisses, working his way to my ear. Overwhelmed with desire to become one with him, every inch of my body buzzes with electricity. A peculiar place in my body pulsates with energy, only slightly relieved when my hips grind against him. I want every inch of his body enveloping mine, covering me and holding me ever so tightly.

The rough pads of his fingers brush ever so slightly against my breasts, making me arch my back against him. He smirks mischievously against my collarbone, proud of the reaction he is able to elicit just through a slight brush. Oh two can plan the game, Mellark. Just you wait.

I glide my nails over his back, finally resting my hands on his hips, pulling him ardently against that spot that's begging for relief. His hips buck aginst mine as my mouth lays wet, open mouthed kisses all over his golden neck; Our moans chorus through the dead of the night as the breeze envelops our tangled silhouettes.

His stocky build flushes against my soft curves, reminding me of all those nights on the train. Why hadn't I tried this sooner? Why hadn't I realized that he is the only boy I really need? Why hadn't I understood that I physically cannot survive without him?

What if this could be it? What if one day I could take Peeta to the meadow behind my old house with miniature versions of ourselves? A small girl with black hair, blue eyes, and a little boy with blonde hair, grey eyes. Somehow under the hot, pink sky and the gritty sand digging underneath our feet, I imagine a world where my beautiful my boy with the bread could be a father.

The sensation inside me grows warmer and spreads out from my chest, down through my body, out along my arms and legs, to the tips of my being. Instead of satisfying me, the kisses have the opposite effect, of making my need greater. I thought I was something of an expert on hunger, but this is an entirely new kind.

It's the first crack of the lightning storm - the bolt hitting the tree at midnight - that brings us to our senses. It rouses Finnick as well. He sits up with a sharp cry. I see his fingers digging into the sand as he reassures himself that whatever nightmare he inhabited wasn't real.

[eloise-t-g]

long post ahead. i wanted to respond to some of the things i've seen people saying about the watcher situation. i honestly just needed to get some of this stuff off my chest lmao.

"sorry, the bridge has been burnt and i can no longer support watcher" - valid.

"i'm happy with this compromise and will continue to watch their content" - valid.

"oh so they apologise, change nothing, and now people are happy to give them money?" - things have changed. they compromised and completely changed their plan for the new website. did you not watch the update video? they're also issuing refunds to anyone who wants one.

"i bet people who over-reacted feel real stupid now!" - some people over-reacted, but a lot of people had valid criticisms and concerns. they shouldn't feel stupid if they expressed it in a non-abusive way.

"yay, we successfully bullied them into changing their minds!" - you're ... you're proud that you bullied someone? this isn't fucking elon musk or jeff bezos. these guys aren't multibillionaires exploiting their employees. these are three youtubers who want to pay themselves and their employees a living wage, while making content they're proud of, and they made a simple fucking mistake. stop throwing around the term 'eat the rich' as though it applies here.

"the apology video is clearly PR!" - yes, watcher is a business. this is how a business responds to situations like this. they had abuse hurled at them for 48 hours straight, they shouldn't feel bad for wanting to make sure everything said in the video was 100% agreed upon and analysed beforehand.

"steven was clearly the one behind this, he should be fired or step down!" - was he? do you know that for a fact? cause from what i saw, all three of them got in front of the camera and made the announcement video together. i agree that he should step down as CEO, but only because they clearly need someone who has actual business experience leading them (if you remember, ryan and shane stepped down a while ago because they didn't want to deal with that side of the company anymore - in the same video, they thanked steven for being the sole reason watcher was still going).

"they shouldn't have been silent the whole weekend" - maybe so, but it's clear they went into lockdown/crisis mode. also, businesses aren't open on weekends. i think it's fair that they waited until monday and took their time with it. maybe they should have tweeted something like "we're sorry and we're working on an explanation", but that just would have given people another place to attack them.

"you're all being parasocial" - i've seen this used against both people who are supporting/giving the team the benefit of the doubt, and people who are against everything. a lot of people (myself included) have used this experience to realise they were developing/had developed a parasocial relationship with these men. this is a good thing - it allows us to recognise these things and make changes within ourselves.

i think generally people are more parasocial towards youtubers than celebrities in films and tv shows. YT feels like there is a barrier removed between the creators and us; it makes us feel like we know these people in a way that we don't know actors who are always playing different roles. YT makes it easier to believe we're seeing the real people, when we really don't know them at all.

"why should i pay someone who owns a tesla?" - you don't have to. also, steven has been working consistently for years. it doesn't surprise me that he has enough savings for an expensive car. people are allowed to own things that you and i can't afford.

"they're embarrassed to be youtubers" - might be true, who knows. but for me it feels more like they want to be taken seriously as filmmakers/television producers, and don't feel like they can do that on YT.

"there's clearly money mismanagement going on" - i think this is likely. i personally don't know what it's like to run a business like this, which is why i've been watching videos from other youtubers who do. since they're saying they don't know where the funds are going, i'm inclined to believe watcher's budget is way off what it should be.

"why didn't they initially say they were having money troubles and might close doors?" - i can see both sides of this. i believe they should have recognised that their audience would have been more receptive to this kind of honesty. however, if you're asking people to give you money, while also saying the venture might not work out, it doesn't engender a great deal of trust. why should i pay for a 12 month sub if it's possible watcher will fold in 6? who will be around to issue me a refund then?

"we were happy with blue and yellow text on a screen!" - valid, but it's clear that they weren't. they clearly want to push themselves further creatively. on the other hand, it definitely feels like they got impatient and wanted that future creation to start now, when they don't have the funds for it. they shouldn't have tried to force their loyal audience to pay for content the audience didn't ask for.

"i don't want to fund steven, andrew, and adam flying around the world eating expensive food." - very valid. i wonder how different things would have been if this 'Worth It' revival had come around 6 months earlier. it still would have been tone deaf in a global living crisis, but i don't think people would have been this upset. what i don't understand is them doing this show if they genuinely couldn't afford it, which is the implication i got from them announcing it just before announcing the paywall.

"why don't they move their office out of LA?" - that would be incredibly expensive, especially for a company that is struggling financially. they would have to uproot their entire lives, and would probably lose a great number of their staff who don't want to/can't move. they would have to completely start over, which is something i imagine they're desperately trying to avoid.

i think the cancel culture that has grown in popularity over the internet over the last few years has led people to believe that:

they can say whatever they want online with no consequences.

people aren't allowed to make a single mistake, and should understand that when they do, it's okay to for others to spew hate and awfulness towards them.

part of me doesn't even know why i made this post, i think i just got sick of seeing the same complaints and questions lmao.

[ghouljams]

Ghoul, I have a question.

I always see people describing the CoD guys as « knowing what they want », and a lot of readers are also described like that. Not that it is wrong, on the contrary, I like it a lot, because I’m not really confident myself (even though I try real hard to be) and it throws me into a world where I am. It allows me to dream.

But the thing is, I keep wondering if some of the guys would actually like someone like me, who is always unsure, hesitating, who takes time to decide for absolutely everything. Who’s extremely shy to the point of getting really anxious around people, and who has no idea of how relationships work. Who does everything to give and never know how to take without being embarrassed and feeling like I don’t deserve it, who sees others taking advantage of it and runs away even further from people every time it happens. I try to overcome all of this, but there’s no real progress, and I genuinely think the CoD guys would end up being frustrated with me, or bored, or both. Or that they would even be interested in me in the first place.

I’m not trying to vent or anything, but it’s just that you portray every character so well (yours too, I love them so much) that I was wondering what your thoughts would be about this ?

Anon I will answer this for you person to person and not as a writer.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you which darling would be nervous like you, which CoD boy would be patient, because at the end of it all these people do not exist and we can make them do whatever we want. I am going to tell you that anyone who loves you and wants to know you will understand and accommodate your nerves. Sex is a conversation, whether you know what you want or don't. Your partner should provide a safe space for you to try things out and decide what you do or don't like, they should be there to boost you up not shame you for your indecision.

Hesitation is natural, needing time to decide is not a bad thing. If the person you're trying to sleep with gets frustrated with you then you should not be sleeping with them. Sex is fun but it's also vulnerable, you should feel comfortable enough to voice your opinions to your partner and know that they'll talk it out with you.

In my own show of Ghoul vulnerability, I struggle a lot with feeling like I deserve the things I get. The space that I occupy feels like something I need to justify, I'm constantly afraid that I'm too much or that my desires/needs will be a bother to the people around me. I spent my whole childhood being pushed aside and told that my needs didn't matter, and that no one had time for me, and it left wounds that I will probably never heal from. But let me tell you right now: We both deserve to take up space, to be people, and to get the same things that others do. There's nothing that either of us have to do to justify our existence or our right to the things we want.

I truly suggest looking into therapy or finding a friend that you can talk about this with. Being selfish is one of the best things you can do for yourself. And if you feel like you're too scared to do it, do it scared. I don't believe that you don't know what you want, even if it's just knowing what you want to try. I do think you've forced yourself to push it aside or rationalize it away, and same, but that doesn't mean my desires aren't in me somewhere. We all know what we want, it's just a matter or articulating it.

All my love darling, I wish you the best.

[winslowat3am]

Do u give money to people on tumblr?

Short answer, no. I don't reblog those posts, either. Majority of them are scammers, bonus scamster points if they use their race/gender as emotional manipulation. (Rant incoming cause this pissed me off, not you, but it had me thinking about a lot of shit). I'm sorry but I could never be on Tumblr begging for money, that's embarrassing, no offense. I commend anyone who's shameless enough to do that cause in all seriousness, couldn't be me. I feel like there are just some things you shouldn't do & asking strangers, half of which are minors, to give you their hard earned money in trade for nothing is one of them. The victim mentality of "let me spam my followers with a bunch of sob story updates about my life's issues & guilt trip them into giving me cash", no. Leave them alone. That shit's annoying, inconsiderate & entitled. & it's always the same fucking people holding their hand out. The people you're begging for cash are more than likely struggling too & need theirs. Tumblr is the worst place to ask for assistance. If you need money then you should seek a financial aid program, or I don't know, log the fuck out & get a job like everyone else? That's what people who need money do. There's no excuse, I said this before & I'll say it again, making money nowadays is easier than it has ever been cause of access to technology. Everything is virtual. You can work from home. There are people making millions eating for a fucking living on YouTube. If you're broke atp it's cause you either make excuses for why you can't work or you're just lazy. It's a choice. You don't even need to physically go out & find a real job. Make something. Perform a service. Everyone has something they can offer. Don't sit there & expect people to pay you for nothing. I hate lazy ass people who wallow in self pity, make excuses & don't contribute anything to society & simply exist to leech off others. It's parasitic & pathetic. You "can't work", but you can play around on social media every day? Hmm. You deserve to live in poverty then. You're not special. You better sell some p-ssy, d!ck or c*ke. If you're bussing it open to everyone anyway you might as well get paid for it, in the words of my wife, "make it count". Seriously, I don't respect those people. Tumblr beggars are the equivalent of irl bums who loiter at gas stations harassing passersby for change. It's fucking irritating & unfair that we live in a world where weak people are rewarded, coddled, catered to & given breaks for doing nothing. "Oh well, you know, John can't work, he's dealing with a breakup that has him in a deep depression. I just- I don't know if his mental health will allow him to work." Bro, I sympathize but at the end of the day, screw John. He has no real problems. There are people with cancer & aids right now who are working. People with no limbs are working. He can work, he's physically able to, but ultimately he won't cause he's a mentally weak man with no drive. Let's just call it what it is. I've been homeless & depressed before, I dug myself out of that hole WITH NO HELP, if people can bounce back from homelessness, addiction, abusive relationships & rebuild their lives, if people with deformities can work there's no excuse for why these lazy asses are living in houses, have food & water, with themselves being the only person they have to take care of but they're on here begging us & living off the gov't. That shit IS sad. & I get so heated over this topic cause the bastards who log on & beg aren't going to log off fucking Tumblr & make adjustments so they can afford to live, they're not going to or offer an exchange, they'll continue to do this shit. In the comfort of their home. Meanwhile, the ones they beg have to scrounge. So no motherfucker, I can't help you spend my money. Follower counts mean nothing here cause nobody gets paid on this dead app, this ain't YouTube. If you have hella followers but you still can't eat or pay your bills it's a sign your priorities are fucked. Up. Your followers owe you nothing. Have a little pride & self respect.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey, so I have a situation going on (TW for extensive discussion of ED):

So I'm in recovery but sometimes I still relapse, especially during the fall and winter months, idk why but those are just the worst for me in terms of ED. My roommate and acquaintance knows that I've been battling ED for most of my life and before I moved in with her and other flatmates, I told everyone that I am in recovery and that I need them not to comment on my food (be it choices that seem disordered but are actually improvements to my previous situation, or idk my portion sizes for example).

Despite that, this roommate, who is currently going through an eating disorder and is in therapy for it, keeps commenting on my food. She keeps judging how much I eat, keeps asking me questions about why I eat what I eat (eg. Sometimes there are days when I just won't eat something I haven't made. I just can't. And she'll just keep asking why. It's not malicious but she doesn't take the hint when I say "well you know...due to the problems" and essentially forces me to just outright say that I can't eat it because I don't have control over it and the ingredients, which is both a frankly embarrassing thing to say and most of the time she doesn't really get it either), and sometimes says things like "Idk how you eat like that and aren't fat lol" (which usually occurs when I have like...a slice of bread with jam or something, which is, mind you, also usually my only food of the day because I am too busy for my own good, and because my meds cause me not to have an appetite).

Worse than that, she vents about her ED problems to me constantly. I get that maybe she needs someone outside of therapy to talk about it with, but it makes me really close to relapsing every time. She'll come home and start saying things like "I weighed myself yesterday and lost another X kg" and "A guy ranted to me about how he wanted to lose weight, like duh he should be happy, he might need it for when he's like me, who hasn't eaten in 3 days." and "I've been so bad today but it's probably a good thing because the 4 days before that I didn't eat at all."

I don't know how to gently reaffirm my boundaries and tell her that it's affecting me really badly when she says such things to me. I don't want to be too firm or mean, and I understand that she's going through bad stuff, but I'm not in a place where I could listen to it without it fucking me up badly.

Honestly, I think you've given your roommate the benefit of the doubt for too long. She doesn't "forget" she's triggering you. She's subtly doing it on purpose. She doesn't "not pick up on" your hints about why you're uncomfortable. She's enjoying making you uncomfortable. I usually do not advise people to think in such a paranoid fashion, but I truly believe the writing is on the wall here. As someone who has given others the benefit of the doubt for too long and gotten hurt for it, I feel obligated to say this.

Anon, those of us who have eating disorders are often unwell in other ways. We often have trauma and difficult relationships and other issues. And we're often competitive in our eating disorders, which is a real risk. Many of us try to show off being the "sickest" or make it a game, sometimes. And you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to be too firm and "too mean" in defending your health. Her going through stuff does NOT justify her putting you through stuff, and that's a lesson all of us who have mental illness need to learn - both in regard to what we put up with, and what we may make others put up with.

So listen. A successful boundary is not a statement of "you can't do X." Attempting to control the behavior of others is useless. Instead, think of a boundary (and speak your boundaries) in terms of "if you do X, I will do Y to protect myself." And do be prepared to follow through on that consequence. As one of my favorite TikTok therapists once said, "a boundary without consequences for violating it isn't a boundary, it's more of a fancy request."

If you're stuck in the lease and don't have the option of moving away from this girl, here's what you can do to get by for now. Make a list of all the things she has done to trigger your ED, and make a list of responses that will be protective for you. Then, have a kind but firm talk with her about how she constantly triggers your ED and how you will be taking the following measures to take care of your mental health. Let her know you're not trying to be hurtful but for your protection, these are non-negotiable. Things like "If you continue to make comments about what is on my plate, I will take my plate and leave the room." or "If you continue to vent to me about your eating disorder, I will hang out with you less."

She may try to act the victim. Do not be swayed by this. No matter how she feels about this talk, nothing is worth sacrificing your mental health, and it is her own responsibility to learn to take care of her own mental health WITHOUT hurting others, as we all must learn to do. Tell her that you want for her to have someone to talk to about this, but that someone cannot be you. She has done this multiple times. This isn't a mistake at this point, and honestly, you're not doing her a favor by letting her go without learning how to hold herself accountable for respecting the boundaries of others. But more importantly, you're not doing yourself any favors by teaching yourself that it's okay to let others hurt you because they're having a hard time. Your hard times matter too, anon.

Best of luck in the roommate stuff and in making it through the winter.

[littlespoonevan]

Ciara!! you are so real for that tag 'i just wanna be hELD' like???? relationships were never a necessity in my life,,hell,,im 28 and like never had one actually and it never truly bothered til this year. I feel embarrassed for not having anyone in my life ever and start to think that maybe I have some kind of a problem? because yes I haven't actively searching for it but also nobody offered anything? showed any interest?idk? and these days all I want is just to be held. I wanna come to a home where im 100% me. I'm sorry dumbing this on you I am thinking about it a lot these days and seeing your post and tags was like universe screaming at me or sth

oh bud, you are absolutely not dumping this on me!!! i'm nodding along vigorously with everything you're saying!!!!

i've been in one relationship (which was bad for So many reasons and certainly was not romantically fulfilling in any way) and i've dated a little but the true, genuine affection that comes with being loved by someone is just......not something i've ever experienced lol.

and i think when talking about it online a lot of the time the legitimate reasons some people have for wanting to be in a relationship sort of get brushed off in a 'you don't need a relationship to be happy!!!! romantic love isn't everything!!!! be proud to be alone!!!!' kind of way. and i mean. like you said, i'm fine on my own generally. it doesn't bother me. and i don't need a relationship to be happy.

but also. i'm still allowed to want one?????? why shouldn't we get to fall in love, u know??? or find that happiness and love and affection with somebody????? why should i have to settle for being alone when most of the world isn't????

and y'know, re the age thing, i think it's a vicious cycle bc the older you get, the more it maybe feels embarrassing to reveal your lack of experience with relationships so it can make you back out of dating someone before things get serious but then that just means going Even Longer without having those experiences askjdfh i have yet to work through that issue myself lol

also. i know dating apps have been very helpful in one way but in another i feel like they have rUINED dating culture bc it feels like now you do have to be actively looking in order to date anyone. (i am so firmly against the whole 'it'll happen when you least expect it' thing that is highkey not true anymore askjdfh) but my experience of those apps is just everything feeling so formulaic and like you're ticking boxes of the same basic conversation you have with multiple different people while also swiping past people you could potentially really like bc all you're seeing is a few pics and whatever info they've decided to reveal in their bio (which is usually extremely limited). and in general, i think they really don't benefit people who prefer knowing someone in person/being friends first before dating (like me)

but yeah tl;dr. it's really hard sometimes, when i've had a bad day or i'm stressed, to know if one of my friends felt like that they can go home to partners who'll hold them and comfort them and make their day better without having to be asked. and i just....go home, pick myself back up, and carry on. it would just be nice to not have to deal with everything on my own, y'know?????

relationships certainly aren't everything and not all of them are good but also i would like someone to take care of me now, thanks 🥺

[e-icreator23]

Vent again. If you cant read it. Wither: You can't let him do that! He can't be banging or throwing stuff! You think its funny but its- D-d:You need to stop being a drama queen. It doesn't mean anything! Stop it. Where did banging and throwing things get bad? (where did you get that from?!) He's not doing any harm Wither:But it sounds like he's trying to break his controller! [He has a PS5] B-o: WHAT DO YOU CARE?! YOU HAVE A MASK ON AND YOUR A JUNIOR! ITS CRINGY! Wither: And you're a sophomore! You should know not to- B-o: Shut up! No one asked! Aren't you embarrassed?!! This is what happened right now. My brother started to rage at a game and from my room, it sounded like he was banging his controller. I came out to see whats going on and he was yelling before this and hitting something. I told my sister to go to her room and that he was acting stupid. He got mad and insulted me and said I am a nobody and I am embarrassing. My sister got scared from him yelling so got my dad who was drinking. He came it and my brother went back to the game he was getting mad at for loosing and he laughed about it. I told him what happened and he still laughed about it. I got mad since he lets them both get away with things like this and I am tired of the insults. I hate that once they know I will be married to a woman that they won't want me around since like my brother has said and I shit you not he said this word for word "FAGS ARE MENTAL. THEY AREN'T HUMAN" My dad constantly wonders why one of his cousins who came out to them is never around, I can't blame, not at all. It's because none of them support them! They outright show they disappointed in them! My brother says that my dad and him HATE people who are gay or anything relating to it with a passion. They are more concerned of how they look than about anything else, my brother has to constantly remind me that I am more on the bigger side and that he's so embarrassed about it! He said that he will never say hi to me during school even when I say hi, he acts like he doesn't know me and says to others that he doesn't know me. He likes to make fun of me saying I won't get anyone. And even if I do, they will leave me since they never really loved me. I am so tired of this. I want to leave so bad but If I try to leave with another family member then my dad will start to guilt trip me and I don't want to leave because I don't want to leave my friends yet. I know I'm a damn disappointment to them. I know that shit but I have to be reminded over and over and over again. No wonder why I'm distant with them. I try so hard at school to make them proud but it can never make it last. I won first place somewhere big in my state but just "oh nice". thats it. I get Honor roll. "good and stay like that" I am so tired of it and I know I am still gonna push myself to try and get good grades but I know nothing I do will ever be good enough to make them proud of me. They ask why is it hard for me to talk to people, no shit its hard because If I say anything wrong to them, I would get hit. I would get yelled at for saying anything wrong. They told me I am not allowed to tell anyone about my situation, I can't talk to my councilors about this, I cant ask for help. Not even online. If I say something wrong, I feel like they would hate me. If I do something they don't like then I'm the piece of shit. I know they have said that I can talk to them but I feel like I cant since I dont know what they will say. I am scared, I am so fucking scared. I know non of them are bad or anything I am just terrified of them since they are so amazing and I can never amount to them in any way. I don't know what to do. If I eat how I normally do, im told to stop. My health problems are my fault and yeah maybe they are. but still at least be semi nice but no he makes fun of me that I cant breath right. To them ADHD and autism arent real. it's fake so people can be lazy. If I am friends with anyone who's like that then im the weirdo. I'm stupid to even get near them. im so done.

[everyonezgirlfriend]

REDAMANCY - nine

BLAIR'S POV - October 23rd, 2007

I walked into Bill's house, setting my jacket and bag down on the back of his couch and walking over to the dining table. I was about to sit down, when Bill stopped me.

"There was actually something I thought I should talk to you about before we started," he said. I furrowed my brows in confusion. What could he possibly want to talk to me about? We weren't friends.

"Go on," I said.

"Um, I don't wanna sugarcoat it or anything, so I'll just tell it how it is. The other day at lunch I heard Toby talking to his friends. They were making fun of him for being a virgin and he said he wasn't, and basically admitted to cheating on you and having sex with other girls. He was always kind of vulgar about you, too, like, going into detail about what you guys have done. It was really uncomfortable, and I know out of everyone in the world I'm probably the worst person to be telling you this, but-"

"Are you trying to ruin my fucking life, Bill?"

"What?"

"Do you think I'm gonna believe any bullshit that comes out of your mouth? We hate each other, as if I'd believe you're looking out for me! I don't know what your issue is, but Toby would never cheat on me. He loves me."

"Blair, why would I lie?"

"I don't know. Why would you tell the truth?"

"Because-"

"Save it. I'm leaving."

I stormed out, making sure to scoop my jacket up this time, not allowing Bill to say anything more. I got in my car, driving away as fast as I could. There was no way he was telling the truth. Even Alice said she didn't think Toby would cheat, and she hated him.

I drove straight to Alice's house. I thought about going to Toby's, but I worried he'd be in a bad mood and get mad at me for being mad, ironically. Not to mention, I worried he'd get in some sort of fight if he found out Bill was making up lie, and Toby wasn't exactly the best fighter. It would embarrass me if he lost, so I had to avoid making him get in one.

Once I got to Alice's place, I could've broke down her door with how hard I was knocking on it. She answered, instantly laughing at my angered state as she knew I was supposed to have tutoring today.

"Another shitty day of tutoring?" She asked. I walked into her house and plonked myself down in the couch, pausing the show she'd been watching.

"We didn't even get to the tutoring!" I complained, "He's such a fucking dick, Alice, I hate him, I hate him so much!"

Alice's eyes widened as she sat down next to me, surprised at my words. She knew I hated Bill, but she hadn't see me this passionate about it since I was fifteen, when I woke up from being drugged by him.

"What'd he do, B? Are you okay?"

"He's a stupid liar! He told me he heard Toby talking to his friends about our sex life, or lack of, and that he's cheating on me, and finding other girls to fuck because I refuse. Can you believe that? What's the point of making up a stupid lie like that? As if I'm gonna believe it. Even you say Toby wouldn't cheat, and you don't like him!"

"How would Bill even hear Toby saying switching like that? The guys aren't friends, they're never together."

"Exactly! And he thought I'd believe him. I don't know what his problem is. He was being okay with me, then all of a sudden he does this."

"Guess he hasn’t changed. He’s just… weird. Have you told Toby?"

"Not yet. Should I?"

"It’s up to you, but he might try and fight Bill, and you and I both know Toby can’t fight."

"That’s what I was thinking. He doesn’t need to know anything’s been said. I mean, it’s not like it’s true."

｡.｡:+* ﾟ ゜ﾟ *+:｡.｡:+* ﾟ ゜ﾟ *+:｡.｡.｡:+*ﾟ ゜ﾟ *+:｡.｡:

BILL'S POV - 23rd October, 2007

I sat down on the couch, throwing my head back. What the fuck? Why didn't she believe me? Was it because I'd started being a dick again? That wasn't my fault, it was hers. I thought we'd been making progress, then she told me she still didn't like me. I hadn't expected us to become friends, but it was getting ridiculous how much she could hate me for seemingly no reason.

Tom walked down the stairs with a confused look on his face. "Why did the front door just slam so hard?" He asked.

"Because Blair's a fucking weirdo who can't admit when her asshole boyfriend is being an asshole."

"I take it you told her, then."

“Yeah, and she blew up. Called me a liar and said I was trying to ruin her life. Maybe it should've been you or one of the other guys to tell her."

"We still can."

"No, she'll just think I sent you guys after to try and plead my case. It's no use. Now I'm not gonna get my extra credit."

"You sure that's the only reason you wanted to do the tutoring?"

"Obviously, I hate her."

"You used to. But I think this has kind of given you a soft spot. Or should I say hard spot."

"Excuse me?"

"'Oh, Blair'."

My once lazy eyes now shot wide open. "You guys heard that?"

"No, just me. The guys were in the garage talking, I came out to get a drink and heard more than I wanted to. Don't worry, I didn't tell them. But you like her."

"I don't." I wasn't lying there, I genuinely didn't like Blair. Not at this point, anyway. "She's just, like, so fucking hot. I don't know what it was that day, she just- she got under my skin."

"And into your pants."

"It was a moment of weakness. Won't happen again."

"You sure?"

"I'm positive."

PREVIOUS PART HERE

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[writemywaytoyourheart]

Ahh your new post about Tae and Jennie was comforting. I did have a gut reaction of sadness since he is my bias wrecker. I want to rant a little. I do think I am kinda actually in love with him. It feels weird to be attracted to someone who is taken. I know I’m getting too into the parasocial aspect, but my life would be pretty empty without it. It’s kinda embarrassing. I can’t help but compare myself to her and feeling sad too. Insecurities ugh

Sorry for taking so long to answer this, I was typing a response and needed to stop to go help someone, but I'm back now!

First of all, no matter what anyone says (including your brain), there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed about feeling this way.

You will not be judged here, I can promise you that.

I really do think that people need to take a step back and realize that most every reaction is a normal reaction.

Some fans claim to be so "not toxic" that they themselves are in fact being toxic. It isn't fair to say that being sad or upset in any way is overreacting. Not being affected by the news does not equal being "normal" or "non-toxic", it just means that you don't have a reaction, that's it.

Your feelings are valid, nonnie.

Sometimes people fall for someone they've never met. Just bc others don't understand that doesn't mean it's not true.

Sometimes it's the comfort they bring, or the way that person makes them love themselves or want better for themselves, sometimes it's because that person brings the best out in them even if they never know it.

I am so sorry, love.

I am sorry that your heart is hurting right now. I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world and bring you all the comfort you need to heal. You can hurt, it is okay to hurt. No one can tell you not to hurt.

It really does suck when these feelings are so very real and a very big part of one's life. Because when they are taken away, that heartbreak is also very much real.

People need to realize that.

Yes these fans probably KNOW that they would not have ended up with their idol, but that does not always stop those feelings from being present. People can be in love with someone and it not be that level of for example: saesang. It's not fair to lump them all together.

Some people have all of those strong feelings inside but do nothing about it, it's not right to call them delulu or whatever. That's just causing more unnecessary shame and labeling and embarrassment for something they can't help. You guys, people fall in love with completely fictional characters and it is real and if that character dies or when book ends that heartbreak is real.

Yes, we are fans. Yes, there are millions upon millions of us.

And yes, some fans are very much in love with the artist.

Why do we have to shame them for it? Take a look in the mirror, take a look on the inside and figure out why you're attacking those people. Maybe you should be grateful that you've never had to experience that.

Taehyung deserves love, he deserves to feel safe and unjudged in his relationships. He deserves to have what he wants whether it be a family or a relationship or whatever. He does not deserve to feel guilt and shame for wanting and or having that.

And you deserve to be allowed to grieve because it isn't you.

Jennie is beautiful and kind, yes. She is a lovely person. And so are a lot of people. People love famous people because they know of them. Just because you aren't on the screen in front of millions of people does not mean you are not lovable and deserving. It just means most of the world doesn't know about you, they might be in love with you if they knew you.

You are you, nonnie.

You are so special, because you are you. There is no one else in this world that is you. There will never ever ever be another you in existence.

I don't know your name or what you look like or what you hate or love or enjoy eating or are allergic to. But I know that you're another human being that is struggling with something. I know that I love you, because you are a unique person on this earth that clearly has a beautiful soul.

Anyone that is in love with Kim Taehyung but will silently grieve when they don't end up with him, is a beautiful soul to me.

Feeling insecure and inferior is a normal part of life in today's world. And it shouldn't be.

You are so beautiful. I promise you.

The only person that needs to know that is you.

You should never feel the need to change yourself for anyone. You should never feel lacking because someone you love does not love you the same in return.

It might feel right now like that pain won't stop. Or maybe it's not as painful as I'm making it seem. But it is for someone.

I'm sorry that your heart is sad and that you feel insecure, I want to erase all of that for you. But I suppose that's what will make you who you are meant to be.

Someday, there will be someone that loves you the most. That will drop anything and everything to be there for you. That will make you their first priority. That will believe in you when no one else does.

Someday that person will be you.

You will be that for you.

Until that day comes, I will be here to root for you, to cheer you on if ever you feel lacking. I might just seem like someone on the other side of a screen typing out a response and there's no face or name or whatever to me. But I can assure you that I am a real person that really does care so deeply for every single one of you. Not just because we're all fans of the same group, but because you are real human beings with real struggles and joys in life.

Please let yourself cry. I'll cry with you, okay?

Your pain is real and that pain you're feeling hurts me too. I'm already crying for you 😅, for everyone that has heartbreak right now.

I guess I just feel a lot. And that's okay too.

Let yourself cry when you're in pain. It's okay. You love someone that now has someone else and that fucking hurts. Don't tell yourself you're not allowed to feel that.

Someday. Someday you will put yourself where you belong in your heart, whether or not anyone else does or not. Life is full of so many things and people that you haven't met yet.

I love you, you beautiful soul.

-chip 💕

[thatlavenderblue]

So I am autistic and even though my autism (and especially the fact that I wasn't diagnosed as a child) had a big impact on my life, I don't really feel disabled. I have sensory issues but I can still function with them. I miss social cues and sometimes people get offended but I'm also very sensitive so I make sure that everyone feels okay so they aren't mad at me. I need to have very detailed explanations to understand things and I need to be guided when trying new things but people have always helped me when I was in need. I have executive dysfonction but people always cared for me and helped me get things done if needed. So I don't really feel disabled.

What I do feel though is restricted. Because of the ableist representation of autistic people in mediass my parents never noticed my autism which was obvious. I never had access to a diagnosis or accommodations. I grew up always restricting myself, never asking for help, never asking for what I need and never doing what I wanted to do because I knew I wasn't ''normal'' and I desperately wanted to fit in.

Even now, knowing that I am autistic and using accommodations, I still feel restricted. I'm still too embarrassed to infodump about my special interests to my ND friends even though I NEED to as a way to regulate myself. I'm too embarrassed to ask for help when I can't do something because of executive dysfonction. I'm too embarrassed to stim in public. I'm too embarrassed to tell new people that I am autistic. I'm scared that they'll think I'm weird, I don't want to annoy them.

I feel restricted by the way I was raised: in an ableist society where '' autism'' is almost a bad word. Growing up, the only representation of autistic people were played and written by neurotypicals. I felt like I should feel sorry for autistics. I am trying to free myself from internalised ableism, but it will take time.

I hope everyone is having a great day! Don't forget to unmask as soon as you're in a comfortable environment that allows you to<3

[sleepyowlwrites]

hullo there sleepyowl! if u would be so kind may i have some advice?

how do you get confident to share ur writing? for me im worried to share not until it's finished and perfect. however i want to share in google docs for anyone to read but its still drafting stage. what do you think? should i finish first? since things will change. but also i want to share it but i think its not good enough

Well, if you take me as an example,you should absolutely share something in a gd that is still in its drafting stage and unfinished. I'm very direct about it. "This is a draft zero, there is stuff in here that is already non-canon, and the characters aren't consistent yet. I do not have an updating schedule and would never commit to one. But you can read it if you want!"

That might not be for you. Maybe it is.

As to how I got so confident, well.

I WORKED FOR IT.

Truly. When I was a baby writer, I had so much confidence because I didn't know I was bad - talented, yes, but still unskilled - and so I would share things without fear. And then as I i progressed I passed through the dreaded stage of being-very-aware-of-the-good-but-also-the-bad and it psyched me out a bit. A lot a bit. But I love writing and I couldn't stay away forever so when I came back, I decided to just go for it.

Now, at this point, I had gone from being a massive introvert with a lot of insecurities to still an introvert but with a solid base of self-esteem, some life experiences that changed me forever, different priorities and goals, a set of skills and knowledge, and the ability to understand that putting myself out there was just what everybody did all the time, and I could do it to. What was the worst that could happen? Somebody doesn't like what I write? I don't like what everybody else writes, so it's only fair.

I approach my art the same way I approach myself: I'm a work in progress, but I have made tremendous amounts of progress and I'm interested to see where I'll go next. I don't have to feel embarrassed that I was once a child making childish mistakes, or feel guilty for enjoying certain things, or for not always finishing projects. I am being the person I want to be, and I'll be the writer I want to be. Being a person is also not optional, but writing is, so I get to be so much more relaxed about it.

It took me years to get here, but I've also been here for years now. You just have to start. Believe in yourself, believe in your writing. Love yourself, love your writing. Enjoy yourself, enjoy your writing. Develop your self-confidence over time, develop your writing confidence over time.

A lot of my current confidence comes from the fact that I know I'm a good writer. But I got here because I believed I could be one and then worked for it. It's homegrown confidence, and nobody can take it away from me because I earned it by myself, for myself.

And I'm a conflicting person. I have fantastic self-esteem but sometimes low self-confidence, and I find that comes from one main factor. I'm confident in myself because I know myself. I'm less confident around others because they often do not. That's the chance you have to take. Pull from the confidence you have from yourself when allowing others to view your work in progress (either you or your art).

And, like anything in life, this requires practice. But you knew that. It just always does.

But like, anybody can practice this! You don't need special skills to start out with. You develop them along the way. You can be a good writer - and maybe you already are - if you just go for it.

It comes down to practice, and it comes down to love. Practice this thing because you love it.

One more small note: how can you determine if a thing is perfect? You can finish it, but how can you know that it's reached its perfect form? I'm not sure we can ever tell. In that case, share it while it might be "bad" or wait until it's some stage of polished, but either way, share it because you love it regardless of perceived quality. After all, you are allowed to love your art in every stage, in all its forms. And you should.

And people can tell. You can tell when a writer loves their work and it can transcend the perceived quality. Maybe it's a zero draft. But I am having so much fun writing it, and I want my friends to he in on the fun with me.

All that to say that: you should love your writing, and work at it, and share it because it brings you joy, and you will get better at writing, and better at sharing, because this is art and life, and you have to practice. It's really fun to practice, though.

Thanks for stopping by!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I am an INXJ 21F (unclear about own type) with an INFP acquaintance. She is very vocal and firm about her position and thoughts, she also finds it very easy to share her darker/messier self to others and to ask for help and advice. I am utterly torn about this person and wonder if my negative reactions are a reflection of my own insecurities as she herself seems like a well-integrated and self-aware person. I admire her ability to share so openly because it initiates an opportunity for others to be vulnerable with her as well. I know that it is not something I could do myself with my perfectionism and dislike of burdening others. But I find it frustrating and embarrassing that she is the only one on the group chat being vocal about her stress and everyone else coddling her up, when hypothetically this should go both ways. I’d appreciate your insight on what this says about me or about her!

----------------

1) What does it say about you? It looks like you've got some idea already because you mention how it may be reflective of your issues like perfectionism. The way in which you are unnecessarily getting entangled with her is probably an indication of projection. Projection is the (unconscious) tendency to see your own unacceptable desires in other people.

On one hand, you deem it "unacceptable" to be authentically yourself in public. Why? As you've alluded to, it's likely due in part to self-loathing. You yourself don't want to see your negative aspects, let alone expose them to others. Perhaps you fear that others will judge you just as negatively as you judge yourself. Hence, the perfectionism.

On the other hand, authentic self-expression is a real and legitimate human need, and you cannot deny a universal psychological need no matter how hard you try. Thus, when you see someone being so effortlessly authentically themselves, it serves as proof that it's quite possible, and it reminds you of how terrible it feels to deny yourself the opportunity.

This contradiction of denigrating yet desiring authenticity creates cognitive dissonance for you: Are you right to deny your authenticity or is she right to express hers?

Projection is a defense mechanism. Instead of confronting one's own wrongs, it's easier to point out the wrongs of others. By judging her authenticity as "unacceptable", you can continue believing that you're in the right to deny your own need for authenticity. Unfortunately, defense mechanisms are unhealthy because they separate you from the reality of yourself, but you can't escape reality forever. The reality is that you keep denying yourself of authentic self-expression and it's immensely painful and that's why this issue pops up for you. You use perfectionism to blunt the pain. You use martyrdom to blunt the pain. But these strategies can never eliminate the pain because they never confront the true extent of the pain and its root cause. (FWIW, this issue is prevalent in INFJs.)

You also say you're frustrated and embarrassed when she's so open and gets all the attention because it should hypothetically "go both ways". I don't disagree with equality in relationships, but your negative reaction raises an important question: Why would people "coddle" you when you never allow yourself to express the need for it? After all, you don't show off those darker aspects of yourself, right? The fact that you use the word "coddle" in reference to emotional needs belies a very negative attitude about emotional life on your part.

I can't speak for the others in the group who aren't here to speak for themselves, but the inequality you witness in your relationship to her isn't because of her, it's because of YOU and your unwillingness to treat your emotional needs as important and deserving of "coddling". Just like above, it is also projection to judge/blame her for hogging attention just because you deem it "unacceptable" to ask for so much attention for yourself. It wouldn't be fair to want her to feel apologetic or in the wrong for doing what you can't do.

Now, if you explicitly asked her to reciprocate (to attend to your emotional needs the same way you attended to hers) but she flatly refused, then you'd have a right to feel resentful. That would serve as concrete proof that she doesn't care about your needs as much as her own. However, even then, it's not very useful to get lost in blame or judgmentalness - what would it achieve? It would turn you into a cold and dark version of you, thus giving you even more to dislike about yourself. When someone proves to be a bad friend to you, you could choose not to dwell on it and simply move on to find a better friend.

2) What does her behavior say about her? Does this question presuppose that everyone should have some kind of judgment about her behavior? Being judgmental is an indication that you lack proper interpersonal boundaries, which is, in part, what makes projection so easy to deploy. Lack of boundaries means you don't know where you end and others begin. You don't see the world as it is but as you are.

Reflect: Why do you get so invested in how others behave? If someone isn't being grossly unethical, on what basis do you feel justified to make judgments about them and their character? After all, the way they choose to live is really none of your business, is it? Do you believe that people should be free to be themselves? If not, you're going to have a lot of relationship problems. If you want the freedom to live as you please, you should grant the freedom to others. But if you don't take advantage of the freedom, are you going to begrudge others for doing so? It wouldn't be fair of you.

I have nothing to say about her because how she behaves is her business. It has nothing to do with me, so why should I have any judgment about it? It affects you, though. You fixate on her because she is bringing your unconscious issues to light. She is an image you've created for the purpose of self-scrutiny. You can use this as a golden opportunity to address your underlying struggles with authenticity, or you can indulge judgmentalness and continue to get triggered by these brazenly authentic people for the rest of your life.

[notmuchtoconceal]

Beautiful response. I know I said this before, but you don't have to dignify each of my asks with a response. You can ignore as many as you like. Especially when I'm drunk and say something incredibly stupid and worthless. I'm not embarrassed about those moments put on display (sometimes I need a good reprimanding to get my head back on)--it's just that I don't believe my id and my impulses should be enabled. When someone's being too stupid to breathe, deigning to speak to them is doing them a disservice.

I think you'll find your life is happier when you only reward people who give you worth. And the reward you should give those who give you their worth is your voice. If what I'm saying holds meaning to you, respond. If it doesn't, please don't.

Remember how I was talking about principles? That's one of the principles I follow, and it is the opposite of stifling. It's liberating.

When I make these asks, I do them for me. It's easy to mistake that for selfishness in its purist form, but like, it's more akin to the selfishness of someone who's faced with their own mortality? The selfishness of someone dying of cancer who has let go of their concerns and embraced a sort of optimistic nihilism. And since I ask them purely for myself, you can decide if they have consequences or not. I'm both complex and simple. The simple part of me is that I enjoy watching you perform. The selfishness comes from the fact that you're so good at what you do and so intoxicating that it's easy to forget you aren't some Performance Golem, and there's, y'know, a person behind the mask. Maybe that's a compliment for you. I'm gonna trust my gut and say it is.

I ain't a sociopath. But I'm like a recovering alcoholic. You really, really don't wanna put alcohol in front of me, bro. Because you know and I know that I want it. And if you want passion, you're gonna place that bottle in front of me, and you're either gonna get something really, really wonderful or really, really terrible. Either way, it's the path of chaos. If you don't want to experience a migraine DO NOT put that bottle in front of me. When I grin mischievously, don't look at the grin. Don't even look at the coy eyes. Look behind them. Look for the pain. Look for the person who's screaming for you to NOT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T YOU DARE and pounding fists against the irises.

What you are describing is the healthy attitude formerly adopted which allowed me to beat depression and drastically recomp my formerly morbidly obese body. I'd lost this attitude once I had to seriously reassess the motivations of the self-professed faggot for whom my ire is the substance of life itself.

His behavior was so confusing to me, I took on his perspective, changed the shape of my soul to understand him. I did it voluntarily and let him ruin me. There was a part of me that didn't think I deserved to get better. A part of me that thought I was cheating. A part of me that was leaving behind my family, whose abuse I was complicit with for most of my childhood, partly out of survival, mostly because I didn't know any other way to be. I felt as though I needed to forget so much of my past as I could to change, this faggot refused to forget and thus refused to forgive, and so always focused on surviving, could never thrive.

I did much penance and psychological and spiritual castration in my 20's to separate myself from my former brutality, and I'd felt myself in a place where I had understood my own values and my own limits well enough that I could take on the weight of my darkness in a productive way. I was wrong. I'd become too yielding. The faggot was evil. I remember all the ways he tried to talk me down into agreeing to be as pathetic as he was. I remember how transparent some of it was and couldn't see what was right in front of my own eyes. He wasn't any more evil than anyone in my own family. No more evil than my own little brothers. Small, scared, shivering, needing to poison you for an ounce of self-validation.

I don't owe my family shit. My family are even bigger assholes than I am. They choose to be this way. They don't fucking turn themselves into other people to reach transcendent self-destructive catharsis. Neither did this faggot. When I started ignoring him, it was because subconsciously I realized the game was up and he'd gotten out of me what he needed. If he wanted me to be a finance bro with him, fucker should have had the patience to help me with money blocks, cause I don't like being mindwiped and brainwashed. I got fuckin money issues and trust issues and I don't appreciate some fairy screamin at me.

I'm not gonna become a fuckin Ubermensch listening to scared farmboy chickenshit faggots, okay? Use your big counselor nerd brain to avise your king or go your own fuckin way, but I ain't your lackey. I was your muscle when you deserved it, but when you're a bitch, I ain't yours. St. John My Everlasting Light. It was so fucking confusing to me how pathetic you were. Bafflement. Sheer and utter bafflement is how you got eyes on you, sweetie. Holy shit. Must feel good to finally be totally figured out so you can be totally reduced and limited to a footnote just like you need to do to everyone else to make yourself feel less than tiny, huh? Holy shit. Every time I think about you now, I think about how I'm better in every way and how you deserve to be miserable for being so stupid. Holy shit. I've experienced all your thoughts from the inside and you are a total insipid garbage loser. Completely worthless. You have no value. If your brains were on the wall like Kurt Cobain's (who you admire and resent and long to be, with his beautiful hair and beautiful lyrics and beautiful bitch cunt breeder wife who reminds you of your bitch cunt mother who violated your boundaries so hard, every other woman feels like cheating, so you'd rather just be her and hate your father, the model of all shitty men who abandoned you) then everything would be beautiful.

I can imagine now the beautiful world where you've blown your brains out. I can see you screaming FUCK in that empty room for no reason, then unloading the pistol in your brain. A white flash of light engulfs you and a heavenly Cinerama score plays. The streets of a summer day in Milwaukee are lined with beautiful happy smiling couples in love, and everything is clean and the flowers are in bloom, and your ghost is there, invisible, watching all happiness, screaming about how you're alone and don't deserve love, and your ghost unloads the pistol in your brain again and there's a second flash of light and the day only gets brighter and all the happy couples more in love. I picture you blowing your brains out over and over and everyone around you just being happier.

I picture you being the only person in the entire world miserable and alone, trapped in a box in space filling up with your own piss and feces wile your eyes are spread-open clockwork orange style while you watch other people's happiness forever, damn-well aware you are the cause of your own misery. You have gotten me to temporarily ignore the German boy cause you've gotten your stain on him, but once you're washed off his 5D genius aura, all links between you and me will be gone, and your mental illness will only continue getting more hilarious.

Thanks for pissing on all my time and sympathy and attention, loser.

You begged to be fuckin worthless, and daddy's a giver and an accommodator. Way to go. You didn't like being encouraged for your art. You didn't think Tumblr was worth your time. Frankly, I don't think Tumblr is worth my time either, but what I make on Tumblr definitely is because I value myself. What the fuck was it with you and your heart button bullshit and bitching about people saying "hi"? Oneword? Uh. Is it cause you were a coward who followed broad trends to never be known? See, I believe you can work with broader trends without compromising your integrity, and this is the process of artistry? You don't understand that, though. You only know how to cowtow and beg. That's what you meant when you kept calling yourself a simp and a bitch and I was confused? I really couldn't understand how you saw yourself, cause I was reacting your writing, and not yet aware to the degree to which we were both drawing (as if in trance) straight from the unconscious, and so mutually had blindspots. See, if you had only given your attention to people who were worth it (like I did) you would only attract the people you wanted to attract. You played it safe and attracted safe people, then complained cause you wanted to be told what to do. You chose to be dumb and worthless.

That's why you go into the purgatory sex fantasy hell realm where your infinite suicide procuduces heavenly love auras now. That's why Ask Friend Crazy Guy is You, But Better In Every Way. He's a version of what you could have been if you had an iota of self-respect, but you pissed on everything you were given.

That guy who liked Xiu Xiu who you were bitching about and seemed to just think I was for reasons? Like... come on, dude. Did you just think that we liked similar things and thus were the same person? Are you not aware that art transcends ideology and you can't make blanket assumptions about an audience unless you're giving the game away you can only think like a targeted consumer bot? You're aware different people can like things for different reasons? Was there no thought whatsoever, and it was something like a sympathetic magical association? Are you way more a horny pagan witch than you're willing to admit? Why were you bitching about witches all the time when you so clearly are one? How completely unaware of yourself are you, and how much of the manipulation was deliberate? Are you just manipulative at the level of automatic implanted animal reaction? Are you trapped in the false garden of Eden? Do you just see things that you are and panic cause you think you'll get hit, so you pretend you're not that thing? Do you ever just slow down, stop and think and tell yourself there's currently no danger here? The past is the past? The person you're talking to is not your abuser? If you're hypervigilant, maybe engage responsibility instead of attaching yourself to someone? You're aware that other people have different feelings from yours? Maybe you're not because your crippling mental illness has left you in advanced state of emotional retardation.

You probably already knew I could understand people in ways you couldn't and produce art you couldn't fathom cause I had a deeper grasp of reality, huh? That's why you felt so worthless? I was just loving you and assuming the best, bro. I was hurt all my life and you were special and unique to me and you brought me into a different place. Thanks for shitting on me, though. You taught me I definitely had far more value than even I could have ever imagined possible.

Thank you, man. Enjoy the bullet through your brain, forever.

All is love is love is all.

[unlockthestars]

I've seen some discourse in a few different places recently, and it's been on my mind a lot. Setting boundaries for yourself is healthy and good, and expressing those boundaries is essential for making sure you have a space that is safe for you. We can't dictate what other people do, but we can express our boundaries in a healthy way. But if your boundaries cross someone else's, you can't expect them to give up their boundaries for you. You have to do some self-policing and look out for yourself, especially on a platform that allows you to block tags you don't want to see.

Asking someone to tag something so you can block it is a healthy way of enforcing your boundaries. Expecting other people to cater to your boundaries on their blog is not.

For example, though I haven't posted a lot on this blog, on one of my old blogs, I had a muse who was very into knives and bl.oodplay. I made sure to tag both of those things because not everyone wants to see that, and I recognized that.

For me, I have that I don't like eye squick in my rules, and I request that people tag images, especially. I have all sorts of synonyms for eye squick listed as tags I don't want to see because that is a way for ME to look out for my own boundaries. I'm not going around to everyone going "You can't write eye squick because it grosses me out," especially when sometimes in a fight-heavy series, people might have injuries to eyes or hands (which is another one of my things, though it's a lot less).

It's honestly kind of the same for s.mut. I am never going to say that everyone has to write smut; not everyone wants to! Some people aren't comfortable, some people have trauma, and some people just flat out don't want to. And any and all of those reasons are perfectly fine, valid reasons! No one has to explain their reason for wanting or not wanting to write something.

I have discovered, though, that writing s.mut has actually been very healing for me. I've been through a lot of different types of traumas, and have felt so ashamed for so long of basically ever even thinking about s.ex, that being comfortable enough to write it has actively been helping me heal some of that trauma. Because that embarrassment and shame followed me everywhere, and allowing myself the permission, the freedom to write characters that are so much more comfortable with themselves has helped me in a way I didn't know was possible.

And maybe this is too much information, but writing is amazing. It can help you heal parts of yourself that you've been struggling with for a really long time, it can help you discover parts of yourself that you didn't know existed or get more in touch with parts of you that you've known for a while. It can help you channel emotions that you have trouble dealing with, help express those emotions and feelings in a healthy way. It can do so much.

So yeah, long story short: look out for your own boundaries, curate your own experiences. And while you should definitely respect other people's boundaries, don't try to force your views onto them. This is a collaborative hobby, and if we all look out for ourselves and offer one another mutual respect and understanding, it'll be even better.

And if you ever need anything of mine tagged, just shoot me a message or an ask, even on anon if you're not comfortable! and I'll make sure to tag that for you. But I'm also going to continue writing the things that I want to in my little corner of this space.