#as much fun as i’m having with this. i’ve been too sad and low energy to really do what i wanted to do

[fizzytoo]

i wanted to stay away from having my sims settle down right away with the first person they fall in love with in this gen and instead i have these ambiguous relationships i don’t know what to do with 😭

[little-pocket-medic]

i’ve been sorta avoiding medic all week out of nerves, but i really need some healing.

i’m in the medbay, trying to explain myself to him. he looks exasperated… and kind of distressed? like seeing me hurt is upsetting him more than usual.

see, doc, i was climbin’ a tree, trying to get a picture of this really cool bird i thought you would like, and i kinda sorta may have fell out of it.

twenty feet out of it.

so uh… i hold up my left arm. it’s pointing in a direction that i’m fairly certain arms are not supposed to point.

listen, i know you’re kinda too small to really use the medigun right now, but maybe you could talk me through it? i can’t find engie anywhere and who knows how long he’ll be gone, and my arm really, really hurts.

he cautiously agrees. i know he hates it when other people touch his stuff, but i do my best to reassure him that i’ll be good and do exactly what he says.

i bend down so he can hitch a ride on my unharmed shoulder. he instructs me on how to use the ceiling-mounted medigun- press this button, turn this knob, set these numbers on its control panel. seems like this model packs more of a punch than his portable battlefield one.

i push the power lever forward and shudder with relief as the red energy flows into my arm, setting the bones into place and knitting them back together. when it’s done, i wiggle my fingers. it’s like nothing ever happened.

damn, doc, this is pretty satisfying. i can see why you like doing it… why you miss doing it. hey, don’t look so sad, doc, i’m sure you and engie can fix this crazy size thing soon. it’s not like you’re gonna be tiny forever…. right?

he’s leaning against my neck now, so i can’t really see him, but his breath sounds a little shaky. is he scared of heights?

i carefully pick him up off my shoulder and cradle him in my hands to get a better look at him. he’s hiding his face. why?

i hear a tiny sniffle.

oh.

doc, hey, are you okay? listen, don’t cry- i’m really sorry if i made ya sad. doc, i promise you won’t stay this size forever. and even if you did, i’d still lo-

shit. i didn’t mean to say that. well, i’ve gone this far.

i’d.. still love ya, doc.

and- and i mean that! yes, i’m serious. listen, i’m really sorry to have told ya when you’re havin’ a breakdown and all that but i’ve been overthinkin’ that note like “what if he takes it the wrong way and hates me” or “what if he thinks i’m just makin’ fun of him” and i been sick with worry all week and i couldn’t frickin’ take it anymore!

what?

no, of course it’s not just sexual, doc, i don’t see you as- as some sort of object. i like you. as a person. for reals.

🫀 anon

TW: Angst, mentions of arm injury/sex. Nothing graphic.

Medic let out a tired sigh. Writing in his journal wasnt the same as it used to be- therapeutic. Calming. But now, he's just struggling to hold a pencil.

A pencil. He could barely hold a pencil.

The team had been struggling without him recently. Tales of their losses always found their way back to him- tales of his failure.

Sure, being small was fun for a bit. But it long outlasted it's welcome. He just wanted to be back to his old routine. His old small talk with Engineer after battles. His chess games with Heavy.

....his bickerings with Scout.

As Scout came into the medbay, Medic pulled his notebook shut. He turned to him, frowning at the state of his arm and the likely false story.

He couldn't do much with it right now. He could have Scout try and cast it, but it was very likely he'd mess it up and cause more issues. Well, Medic could talk him through the Medi-gun. Worth a shot.

The Doctor explained how to use the ceiling mounted healing device in a low, monotone voice. He didn't do it on purpose- the lack of sleep and the abundance of stress simply took a toll.

He climbs onto his shoulder, getting a better view and allowing the other to hear easier.

Scout seemed to get most of what he said, as the runners arm went back into place. He rambles as he usually does, trying to reassure the Doctor that it wouldn't last forever.

Would it last forever?

Medic grabbed his sleeve and leaned against Scouts neck. It very well could- Engineer normally fixed problems very quickly; This was taking weeks.

Scout seems to take note, picking the little German up and holding him in his wrapped hands.

Now in view, Medic has a harder time concealing his sorrows. Normally he's rather good at it- but with everything piling on...

In an effort to retract his previous statement, The runner let's something slip.

'I love you, doc.'

No, you don't. Medic says, almost angry, in a stern tone. 'You don't even know me...' He wanted to add, but didn't. He already said too much.

He listened to Scouts talk about how he didn't just see him sexually, but he might as well of been on mute. Medic wasn't listening anymore.

Unless you vish to torment me furzher, you may leave. He says, taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes. Talk to Engineer about zhis. I'm not paid to be your zherapist...

Cold. Even for Medic. His emotions were getting the better of him.

While never conventionally kind, Medic always had his ways of showing he loved his fellow mercenaries. This was out of character.

[guangchuans]

hey adam what did you think of the metamorph concert? oh funny you should ask! here :3

hi guys. i’ll pretend i know staging directing and anything more about music than “i like sounds” here 👍

first, critique:

the concert felt and was rather short. i understand why, but it was still sad to had it end so soon lol

my personal opinion here: i wish we got more older songs other than the iconic ones, but again, this is the guilty album concert, so i understand

he really did not do well on “not over you” and i’m glad he acknowledged it too, not just moving past a subpar performance

“want” also wasn’t the nicest imo? he sang that weirdly low, or at least that’s what i heard

maybe again, just my audio, but it really didn’t sound as if he actually Sung “advice” lol

this one i’ve said before but honestly, even taemin can’t do “move” now - the dance i mean. maybe it was the clothing here though bc on the show with akmu it was great. but yeah the red cloth outfit didn’t pair well with “move” imo and made the key hip movement look messy

this is not about taemin; the beyond live style of concert kind of deprived us of actual cinematography of it :/ like tell me why strings and black rose looked so much better on random fancams from 7 rows behind than… on the actual screen lol

general commentary:

he was so nervous. really. like i get why, again, i understand it all, and even that didn’t stop him from delivering some absolutely delicious stages, but ohhh brother he was nervous

why was the audience so. dead. like why did you hype up my man when he did good huh. i have to do everything in this house myself next time i’ll be the hype man nr 1

this is my lukewarm take: i didn’t enjoy the “criminal” rock version that much. it was very boring? the chord progression of the guitar sounded too much like a sample without much twist, and there were better ways to incorporate rock into that song imo

i think overall the ratio of lip sync to backing track to no backing track was reasonable and i do like that he didn’t try to lip sync much, just letting everyone see “yeah this is playback”

and now <3 praise and what i enjoyed <3

even though i really don’t like “the rizzness”, that opening was fucking insane. imagine starting a concert while hanging upside down. and singing while it. wow!

all the ment segments were so precious. it was clear he missed the audience for his solo stuff too. i know he’s been touring with shinee for half a year now and all but i imagine it’s different to know that these people came here only for you, you know? the interactions were cute and it was just… well it’s good to see the both sides of lee taemin :)

as i mentioned, the ratio of supported vocals to raw vocals was reasonable, but when he did actually sing… oh lee taemin. this is obviously a biased opinion because i genuinely love his voice, it was what made me fall in love with him as an artist in the first place. notable mentions of vocals imo:

“heaven” was perfectly delivered and a feast as always. the bridge in “heaven” is probably my top 5 taemin bridges, so it’s not surprising, but the energy on the stage while he performs that is So Good. MWAH

“light” was fun! i was dancing along, the playing with the dancers choreo is entertaining to watch and it’s a good time over all

after the flop of “not over you” he payed back with both “night away” and “blue” to me. “night away” especially, it felt so warm and so… just lovely. he nailed that

even though i don’t particularly enjoy “black rose” i can’t deny, it was so good. the choreo is always captivating and he sung it well

“door” … where do i even start. “door” is one of my favourite taemin songs of all time, and to see it executed in such a bold way was absolutely incredible and so enthralling, i felt enchanted listening to each new note and line. genuinely an amazing experience

some miscellaneous thoughts that i don’t know where to place:

i loved “impressionable,” the energy was so right for it, especially, well the D2 unzipped pants :)

the “strings” choreo is so sensual and sexy and yet in this classic taemin style of subtlety about it, it’s so nice to watch, to see him get lost in the pain/pleasure the song talks about. and there is almost, a grown aspect to it now, the aspect of like fully owning his body and what he does with it. very nice

“she loves me she loves me not” was cute, the choreography was very simple but still nice to look at, and i loved the energy on stage of it. the girl gang TM smiling and all :) good time!

rearrangements/special concert versions of songs:

as i mentioned above, i have lukewarm feelings about “criminal,” i didn’t dislike it, but it could have been better

LOVED the whole “danger” stage so much as well as “famous,” to me they’re like two sides of the same coin tbh. and something about both of them being in the same section as want mmm…

i wish i didn’t have to talk about “guilty” but i think i have to mention “guilty” too. the staging was absolutely gorgeous, the orchestral pieces at the beginning and before the bridge, the change in choreo of the dancers as if ensnaring him… it was delicious! such a good stage!

a separate section for the encore because i feel like it deserves it:

i don’t think it’s too untoward to think of jonghyun’s passing when it came to the date of the concert. i saw a few other mentions of it too, so i know i’m not alone in this belief. and this is not to suggest it was somehow planned this way with this date in mind, but rather, soemthing to just keep in the back of your head, i guess?

the whole encore was magical. opening the concert back up with “idea”, the orchestral version nonetheless, and staging that mixed both the hell and heaven aspects of the concept (light blue iridescent suit + dark stage lighting and fire) was delicious to witness and a great way to get the energy in the audience back up again

i don’t think i can talk much about what “pansy” means to me as a song without crying. maybe it’s stupid, because that’s exactly what the song was meant to do, but the fact that taemin co-wrote it too just… makes it so special :( and to know what… the sentiment of the song is probably even doubled now, to know that he came back from the enlistment, because so many fans kept loving him and his music and we stayed by his side even when he wasn’t there. this is just me being sappy i know but to hear “pansy” again made my heart sing

“i think it’s love” is a beautiful song and he sung it beautifully. it was a great encore choice, just an overall masterpiece

finishing the concert with “identity” of all his songs, on a concert named metamorph after the idea of metamorphosis, the imagery of cocoons and blooming and growth seen throughout the concert, with, once again, the significance of the date… it meant so much. it means so much. it was genuinely a moving performance, one that hooks you in and keeps you there, not letting you go. the emotion the execution the meaning behind it all… it just felt right, for that song to close the concert

CLOSING THOUGHTS

i’ve seen every taemin concert, save for the beyond live one in 2021, and this one fits into the theme beautifully. it’s a comeback, it’s a reminder that he’s still here, that he is Back, and he is back for good! as he said in one fan sign, this will go on for as long as he wants to and he will be the one to put the stop to it. i’m grateful for everything taemin did musically this year and i can’t wait to see him grow even more, as an artist and as a person. love you! if anyone read this whole thing leave me an 🍎 emoji in the replies hah <3

[95isthemagicnumber]

My boyfriend is so sweet. I’ve been feeling bad about myself today and was also hangry when he called. He basically validated me, saying that he likes me for how I look now (I’m at my highest weight ever) that he thinks I’m super sexy, and that I don’t need to lose weight to change how he feels about me. I was hangry and low energy, but what he said gave me energy. I cried too because I had a lot of pent-up frustration.

He’s the best. I know that some of my friends think I can do better than him physically, but his character is really good, he’s sweet, and he’s not like the typical XY. Most XYs out there are TRASH. My BF doesn’t disagree with my feminist views. He doesn’t trigger me unlike most XYs. Out of all my ex-BFs and him, he’s the one who made my birthday the most special. I’m so happy I have him. :)

To me, a man doesn’t need to be wealthy or 6ft+ (I used to have these standards 🤣). I realized that what’s more important to me is a man’s character, his sweetness, his patience, his knowing how to handle me when I get sad or moody, his unconditional affection for me, how relaxed I am around him, and how much fun we have together. My BF fulfills that.

[eureka-its-zico]

Hiiiii, I’m 🧀 baaack. I felt an energy disturbance in the Force and turns out there is a sneak peek for the next chapter and oh my God… I choked on my tea 🫠😂

I was HOPING for a conversation like that. And I did think Nami would be the one who would point something like that out to Zoro too. Idk, Nami just seems like the person who’d give the best advise 🤷🏻‍♀️

And honestly, something about dancing in fics whilst the guy watches just hits different for me. I am sappy and just melt at parts where the the guy’s interest makes an absolute fool of themselves on the dancefloor (think it’s because I dance like an absolute fool too 🤷🏻‍♀️😂 It’s all about having fun!!!).

I am so looking forward for the next part and it’s so hard with this Zoro brain rot that I’ve been having 🫠😂 I have a course assignment to submit before end of Thursday and then I have a midterm that I can take whenever from Friday until Tuesday and just… I have to admit, I even started writing again to deal with this obssession that I have been having 🤦‍♀️ I cannot say I’ve been productive when it comes to a lot of my adult responsibilities…

As for Tumblr in 2009 - I have to admit, I was a teenager then and didn’t care too much about Tumblr then 😂 I was active between 2011-2012 and going crazy for a lot of bands so my dash before the purge was… a lot of bands that I am not really listening to anymore, BUT it was a lovely trip down the memory lane. It wasn’t fun to remember how cringe of a teenager I was tho 😂 I’ve been on and off Tumblr for years, I have to admit. And I keep coming back to it at times where life gets a bit too hard.

Last time I sent in the ask, I wasn’t doing well and I still am not the best mentally though I’ll get there. Thank you for your kind words, they meant a lot to me over the weekend ❤️

The cherry on top, and this is funny to me because life sometimes gets ridiculous, was last night when my keyboard and mouse put up their middle fingers and stopped working at the same time whilst I was in the middle of something 😂 And not to the point that I need to replace batteries or charge them, but actually replace them 🤣 It’s alright though, I work in tech and I have learned that technology does this to me out of sheer spite 🤷🏻‍♀️

This sneak peek has brought me such joy and I am smiling like a fool and I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep again tonight 😂

Thank you for sharing this with us! And I hope you are having a lovely start to your week! ❤️

Osiyo oginalii,

How wonderful it is to hear from you!!! I love that you used a Star Wars reference in relation to knowing I had posted something 🤣 but I am sorry it made you choke on your tea (this also feels like a low key st reference).

Nami really is the best person to bring that kind of stuff up. She’s the most observant of the crew, because she has so much to lose in her mind. So, it’s made her hyper aware of everything around her. Luffy was just a wildcard she never saw coming. I feel like she’s always trying to get a read on everybody, and because of that she just notices what others might be trying to hide. Like feelings 😬

I am like you! I have been struggling to complete all my uni work because I’m having my first lung procedure this Friday. So, I’ve been struggling to do all my homework before then and also work on publishing this week before I’m out for the weekend. IF you do write something, please let me know. I would absolutely love to read whatever you create 🖤

It makes me sad you are still having a hard time, but just know I am here for you. I know it isn’t much, but if there is anything I can do to help keep your mind off it or make you feel a tad better I will always do my best. I sincerely hope this week is kinder to you in some regard.

If my keyboard or anything went out on my computer I would DIE. I spent 2k+ plus on that thing to play games, and I would cry tears of pure agony. Tell your mouse and keyboard we have absolutely no time for this foolishness and that they need to get it together ASAP.

I hope you got some sleep these past few days! Your health is so important! Again, I am sending you all the hugs. Much love 🖤

[thebumblecee]

ive noticed a weird vibe in the fandom too recently but i don't know what or why

I have no idea what’s going on. The energy is low from my end/the parts I see.

People seem to be grouping off and only talking to each other I guess?

It’s natural when fandoms grow. People obviously make friends and want to talk to their friends etc and when you find people to be safe with that match your energy you sort of stop posting as much publicly.

The show also ended on quite a sad storyline with Gabriel and I think that’s made some of the content very melancholy and that’s bled out.

The vibe I was specifically referring to was the nitpicky jibes. I’ve always been quite free with my hc/jokes/memes/fic content whatever and usually people who didn’t agree would just not interact and these days I’ve been getting jumped on for every little thing and it’s boring.

I’m a firm believer that canon and fanon don’t have to match and apparently that upsets people lmao.

Whoever you are anon I hope you find things get better for you and the weirdness goes away and we can have fun ♥️♥️

Obviously it might be none of these things! My experiences are not universal!

Love ♥️

[bisluthq]

I think the new/old lyrics from My Boy makes it about Joe, but the widows (and the maylors that think it's for matty) are interpreting the "I'd play again" wrong.

She doesn't want him back like that, to me at least, it reads entirely like she misses his friendship? And nothing else

Imgonnagetyouback sounds like a completely different type of back together, which makes sense bc that one is definitely 100% for matty

I’m gonna complicate this further tbh. When I first heard the song I heard more Joe/really LTR on it tbh so I do lean towards that in spirit/vibe/atmosphere but I also think her saying this is just about her being really sad makes it more about like both men rather than one of them.

To me, the whole “play pretend / I’d play again” has a very specific and personal meaning and idk that Taylor shares this but here’s my thing: I knew my first ex and I needed to break up when I felt like I was playing pretend with him. It was a very specific moment too. He had moved into his first flat, right, and I didn’t help him move like it took a few days for me to even go visit him and even though he now had his own place (I’d had my own place since we finished school but we used to spend more time at his mum’s than at my place because I always had housemates and his mum’s place had free food and free booze so like big brain energy right why would we hang out with like 2-3 other people and eat pasta and drink shitty booze when we could be at his mum’s place eating nice food and drinking nice booze and watching stuff on the nice big tv like BFFR there was a clear winner there and it wasn’t wherever the fuck I happened to be staying at the time) we actually hung out less? I think because now his living sitch was comparable to mine right and I’d rather deal with my own housemates than his ones and have all my stuff and like there were idk just no benefits to going to his place. But then he hosted this party and everyone got really wasted (surprisingly or, given where this story is going, maybe not so much) I did not. I brought out drinks and like poured out snacks and then everyone, including him, went to bed and I stayed up tidying shit. And I just had this very unreal feeling all around me. Like I’d spent an evening playing pretend girlfriend/wife. Like I didn’t want to do any of this shit right - I didn’t want to be standing there at 1 am washing fucking glasses right and I hadn’t wanted to be pouring crisps into bowls and I hadn’t wanted to be the one to tell him like booze is running low and someone must run down to the store (he went) like… I hadn’t wanted to do any of that shit. I don’t think I even especially wanted to be there that night, let alone like helping to host. I’d rather have been doing other stuff. So anyway, there I was at 1 am washing dishes and I realized full on, in that exact moment, that I’d just been playing house. I’d spent the whole evening playing pretend. And that’s when I knew we were over.

Granted, the whole thing went on for a couple more months but that playing pretend realization hit me before I suspected he was talking to his upstairs neighbor (he was) and before he broke up with me because he thought I’m a lesbian (I’m not).

I also will say that there was a time that he absolutely was my best friend. A long time even. But at the end, I was playing pretend.

and a part of me, to this day, would absolutely play again. Not because I want him back like that in any way - I think if he showed up at my house and said it’s been me all along I’d be absolutely mortified - but because there was a point at which we really were a great couple. We had a lot of fun together. We had a lot of inside jokes. We had a lot of firsts. We learned a lot about ourselves and what we want in relationships from each other. We - almost definitely - messed each other up in a bunch of different ways. And yes, a part of me would play again because it was a special and wonderful time in many respects.

I’ve had that feeling of unrealness/playing pretend since btw and I always know either this thing is about to end or I’m about to have some kind of major life change if it’s not about a relationship (I used to get that feeling towards the end of the school year at uni like not as strongly but once exams started and the weather started getting warmer, everything would start to feel less real).

and again, I would play again because I have a lot of fond memories of my uni summers.

so idk I have specific personal associations with that line and I agree it doesn’t mean you want that person back nor do I even think you necessarily want the friendship back as it was. You want that moment back from before you realized you were just playing iykwim? At least that’s what it means for me and it might well mean something different for Taylor but that’s how I hear it in the song.

[kidmachinate]

Force Your Way

Taking longer than expected to do things can be a huge letdown, especially if you end up being your own worst critic in this regard. Too long to get to some select point in your life to succeed at this game called life. My last post came from a place or hope with the odds stacked against you. This one has much more hope. I’ve been carving a new path for the year.

While core values haven’t changed a whole lot, learning safe boundaries is becoming a key factor. Mental peace is priority. True progress will never come without it and sometimes, like my last post mentioned, that means losing someone or something close to you. You pray this isn’t the case but what can you do? We can pretend we aren’t selfish but everyone has to look out for themselves out there to some extent. Unless you’re covered for money through parents or financially free on your own terms, you have bill to pay like the next person. How else after all am I going to afford both Final Fantasy XVI and Diablo IV in the same month? In fairness, one of these is already paid for.

In today’s age of the internet, many of us care more about being right than actual facts. Why? Because when the facts roll in, said people may not like it, and then suddenly get quiet, and we can’t have any sort of accountability or admittance of fault now can we? This is something else I’m not having time for. I’ve made snide comments towards something I don’t believe in or think it morally wrong, but I also can’t claim to be a saint either. Many of us are likely supporting one company or another with shit values. Such is life.

While I have a consistent thought that we are never alone, we can definitely feel that way at times. There’s value in friends for both company as well as the handful you can trust. There is no value in words that don’t match actions. Apologies that just come out for them to do the same things over and over again. That, there is no value in. I’m referencing each of these things here and none are truly new. I’ve just changed how I approach it. In many cases, I simply don’t. It isn’t worth it.

I’ve recently found peace in revisiting both Final Fantasy VII: Remake, and Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII Reunion. That and slowly but surely plowing through a gaming backlog in preparation for smaller games coming as well as the big ones listed above mid-year. I’m a gamer at heart and while I may “waste my life away” at times in this, I’ve got plenty going on in between errands wise and have been very pleased with progress in this thus far. I also recently started new work that seems like a fulfilling role and challenge right up there with recent gaming challenges I’ve been taking due to the nature of the games default difficulty or choosing to up the difficulty to a hard mode equivalent. I like being challenged. It keeps me on my toes. Even when doing errands, going to new places, it’s a challenge. Can’t let the game win right? Life isn’t a game? Convince me otherwise. Or ask a politician.

I came from a pretty low place to a much better one over the last couple of months and only recently landed a new work opportunity to really help with this. Something just snapped and it was time to turn the sad stories into a happier one. It was bleeding into my day to day and I didn’t like it. I’m sure the household didn’t like it either. Sometimes we need to start a new chapter or a whole new book. Make ourselves into a brand new character. What if your current character is fine? Sometimes you just need a respec. Balance out your traits and decide what gets more time an energy vs other people, activities, and even thing you buy and eat.

Ultimately, I choose to not Have a Nice Death, unless it is the fun (still in early access) roguelite game. I’m not done here. Far from it. Furthermore, for the first time in a while, I am also looking forward to the future and where this new opportunity leads. Knowing your worth goes a long way too. Don't be afraid to embrace this. I'm reminded of dialogue from my recent revisit to VII Remake.

**after doing a side quest for money for an old man and then Cloud asking for more to do a simple favor for them after**

Aerith: It feels good to help people out, doesn’t it?

Cloud: Eh.

Aerith: You having fun yet?

Cloud: Heaps.

Aerith: Then you can’t be afraid to show it more. Don’t forget, it’s all about service and salesmanship.

Cloud: I’ll leave that to you.

Aerith: All right, but don't think you can rely on me forever, mister.

Cloud: Wasn't planning to.

Aerith: That's good. 'Cause I command a very good salary.

[redfoxandice]

“I’m So Lucky.”

I don’t know how to start, but I was thinking that I wasn’t such a cry baby and wasn’t this desperate for love. Well, there is less stabilities now in my life.

Ever since learning about dad and him going off pills, I feel like this relationship has really took a turn. Those were some really, really bad days, where I would spent daylight crying and feeling like we are just tugging each other and stretching both of our limits and making each other doing things they don’t want to do. The vicious cycle is that he needs alone time, but I am very not ok with that - what do you mean alone time? Do you NOT want to see me / hang out? I know it’s not about me but it’s hard to take, especially with roommate and her introvert bf displaying such a bad example (I think she basically trained him to have no self care), I don’t know how to deal with it. Plus I’m not good at saying things like “hey I’m feeling quite sad”, especially if it’s because of him - I would feel guilty. I can’t really word my thoughts out, mostly I end up crying. Maybe because before I really only need to tell my parents that, and they wouldn’t really listen, dad would just keep talking...so I stopped responding.

I am really sad though, I missed him when he went on the trip, and we weren’t able to talk much because trip & bad signal, so I was sort of imagining that, you know, we’ll have fun catching up and I’ll tell him I miss him, then we’ll do something...but it ended up as him feeling tired, feeling low-energy, sounding like he isn’t enthusiatic about plans, and I’m just sad...and we spent time together, but it doesn’t really feel right. There were cuddles and good chats, but I can feel like he’s tired and he’s not catching my drift, which makes me scared. What if he’s just doing it for the sake of it? I didn’t feel the intimacy there. There were a lot of cuddles afer waking up, but it just felt...forced? Empty? And he was showing me videos on the trip, and I heard them happily chatting in the background...and I was thinking that you sounded happier than you were with me (well, cuz he is tired)...

And during the christmas lunch, people talked about partner and kids (cuz they all much older...), and the second youngest (I’m the youngest) was talking about her wife with cute girn on her face and saying how she’s so lucky to have her. It’s so cute, but I’m also just thinking about him, and feeling sad that it’s not been great...and I can’t say that wholeheartly, and I don’t know if it’s going to improve......and I don’t know what that would mean, because I’m really sad that we are not getting each other, and I think if this keeps being the norm, I would not like it and I might have to call a stop to it. And of course that makes me really sad too : (

It was really cute when he asked to come over after the trip before he went, cuz it made me feel like he’s excited to catch up, but he wasn’t really feeling the best, which affected me as I would try to fix that, but in the end it shouldn’t be my job...I’d rather see him all happy and energetic a bit later than him forcing himself to come.

I don’t know, it just feels really hard to communicate these to him. And he would say ‘it could be because I’m dumb’...but, I want to see some effort towards not being dumb...I don’t like when you are being dumb, and I don’t think it’s an excuse...it’s a lot better than my last relationship, where he just refused to listen and work, but I’ve also grown scared of communicating, and I found myself second guessing everything when I’m on edge. I was really trying to do everything, EVERYTHING last time because I really cared and I really tried, but nothing worked...and I don’t know if I could explain this to him.

Anyway, I still think he’s great and cute and very likeable, but sometimes I do struggle to find that feeling. Glad that we are able to have direct convo (even with me sniffling) even thought I couldn’t word it / explain it very consistently. I don’t really want to bombard him with complaints / serious talks like this either, we’ll see how we go across Christmas I guess.

I’m really hoping for an affectionate and cute Christmas, even though he hasn’t planned anything while has planned board game session with friends........... *sigh* idk man I’ll just take a shower

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[firstbeachgoblin]

Hey! I hope you’re well, can i request an imagine where reader is Embry’s imprint and they haven’t seen eachother in months because reader has a life she can’t just drop for him but she comes back when the pack is blowing up her phone ? Thank youu and don’t worry if you don’t write it, it’s fine!

Thank you for the request! It took a Long time But It's now complete with a total whopping 5k words!! Any way I hope you enjoy the fic.

I put it under the cut because it's so long but it's my brain baby at the moment lo.

Returning to you.

Embry Call x Reader

5058 words

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most of my life has been spent in the Forks area so getting to travel to Europe for six months to see the art and culture was a dream come true. The past four months I’ve been travelling through Europe, starting in Greece and ending my trip in the Irish countryside.

The old art and architecture filled me with a joy that I could not get anywhere else in the world. The smells, sounds and sights all played their own part into the experience. I got to see the moon rise over Mount Olympus, the David by Michelangelo in the Vatican, tour through the Louvre, drink wine on the beaches of France and so much more. I’ve been living my best life.

It's been a dream to see the world, I've met so many new people and tried so much food. I’ve enjoyed every minute of my trip, but there was a part of me that longed for the beaches of La Push.

That part is Embry. Embry Call. My boyfriend, my pal, my love and my light. To me Embry is my everything and to him I’m his everything. That is one thing that has been made perfectly clear the past four months I’ve been away. Every day he’s told me he misses me and I know he means it, I’ve been told not just by him but also the rest of the pack.

Everyday I’ve woken up to ‘Good morning I miss you.” Sometimes he phones to tell me that he feels like he might die if I’m away for any longer. I always chuckle and tell him he will survive, it’s not like I’m going away forever; but that's what he feels like it is. This usually earns me a long winded whine from the other end of the line.

My phone buzzed against the smooth surface of the bedside table while Embry’s face flashed across my screen signalling that he’s calling. A smile graces my lips as I pick up the phone to be greeted with his loving voice.

“Hi (y/n)!! I miss you so much.” sadness was laced in his usual cheery greeting, it hurt my heart to be away from him but I would never trade this experience for anything. I’ve been planning this for years and I wasn’t going to pass up cheap plane tickets.

He filled me in on the pack's shenanigans, complaining about how they keep teasing him for being glued to his phone awaiting any updates I would send him. The later it got the heavier my eyelids seemed to feel, my speech started to slur with exhaustion of time zones while Embry continued to become more energetic with each passing minute.

“Em. . .” A yawn interrupted me mid sentence, a low whine emanated from the phone as he knew I would want to get to bed to have the energy for the long trip I’ll embark on tomorrow for Ireland, which is my last stop. I’d be spending the remaining two months of my trip in the lush countryside.

“I think I should get to sleep, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.” I mumbled into the phone.

“But (y/n)!” he dragged out. I knew he wanted to talk longer but I physically cannot do it. Even though Embry and I don’t live together officially yet, we’d talk into the early morning till one of us fell asleep.

“But (y/n) what?” I dragged out the ‘a’ matching his whine.

“I miss you and want you to come home.” I could hear him pause over line before he continued.

“Besides, sleeping isn’t the same without you.”

I ran my hand through my hair gently tugging on the roots easing the tension that’s built up over my trip. As much fun as I’ve had, he does have a point. Sleeping just isn’t the same without Em. My nights have been spent restless in beds that aren’t mine without the comforting touch of my boyfriend; but that doesn’t mean I can just drop everything and go back home.

“Em you know I can’t just pack everything and go home. . .” I looked at the painting that hung over the tv that sat opposite of my bed. A puppy-like whimper fell from his lips when he spoke again, his voice cracked like he was going to cry. It broke my heart hearing him upset.

“I-I know I just really miss you.”

“I know Embry I miss you too, but it’s only two more months then I’ll be home.”

We chatted for ten more minutes before I fell asleep on the phone. As much as I missed falling asleep in his warm embrace I can’t just fly back home, not yet at least.

The blaring of my alarm woke me from my slumber. The clock face read 6:02 a.m. taking everything within myself to peel back the blankets that encased me in their warm grip. I patted through the bed sheets to find my phone only to knock it onto the floor in the process.

My lock screen adorned a photo of Embry with icing smudged across his face from his birthday party but a swamp of text messages from the pack covered my favourite photo of him. Five texts from Leah, seven from Jake, nine texts from Paul, 12 texts and two missed calls from Sam and a whole group chat titled ‘(y/n) come home.’

The group chat kept pinging with the members of the pack who were still awake discussing the logistics of flying out to Ireland to take me back home. Was Embry really causing that much strife in the pack for them to create a group chat? Knowing him, it couldn’t be too far from the truth.

Leah and I call once a week to check in and make sure the other is doing okay since I left. It’s one of my favourite parts of the week being able to have a one on one with someone sensible. Every week she fills me in on Embry begrudgingly, she does it because she knows it makes me happy which I appreciate.

Reading through her texts she didn’t say much in regards to Em’s behaviour the only message relating to him was “come get your man child please, he’s getting snot on the floor.”

I listened through Sam’s voice mails which were begging me to come home, he informed me that once Em knew I was asleep he started moping around Emily’s house again for the fourth consecutive night in a row. This was news to me.

The texts entailed that Embry was becoming a pain on patrol and that Paul ‘couldn’t take another minute of the incessant whining.’ I told them the same thing I told Embry; I’m not dropping everything and rushing back home to sooth the wails of a love sick boy. There isn’t much I can do from across the ocean anyway.

I stretched my body and headed towards the bathroom to brush my teeth and shower before I had to leave for the airport.

I packed the few remaining things I left out to prepare for the flight and headed my way to the lobby to check out. I enjoyed travelling but I wasn’t going to miss sleeping in hotels and hostels.

Two weeks have passed since I touched down in Ireland and to say I’ve been having the time of my life is an understatement; I’ve been having a ball living my best life.

The land was capped in a luscious emerald green sea of grass that waved in the wind, the roads were lined with hand built stone walls that marked the division of farmers fields.

Sheep and cattle grazed in pastures, and old castles dotted the countryside. It was gorgeous. It was a view that I wanted to see again, a view I want to see with Embry.

It felt like time was flying by between sight seeing, trail hiking, museum tours and calls with Embry and Leah. It has already been a month. I had one more month before I was to jet set back to the U.S. and see my Embry.

One more month before I was back in La Push surrounded by the scent of sea water and trees with the looming threat of rain constantly overhead except in the summer. For two months of the year La Push was bright and sunny with the expected summer storms that happened.

I had fallen asleep on the phone with Embry again when I realized my phone was lost in the sea of sheets as it buzzed with an incoming phone call.

I couldn’t find it until the call had gone to voicemail and my phone landed on the ground when I gave up and ripped the blankets off of the bed but whoever called must have felt it was really important. Picking up my phone the most unflattering photo of Jacob was plastered on the screen, his name in white.

“Hello?” I asked groggily into the phone, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I looked over at the clock which said in bold red numbers 1 am.

“Hey (y/n)! You sound like you just woke up.” I heard him chortle from the other end.

“That’s because I just woke up Jake, it’s one in the morning.” a yawn escaped my lips, I know I’ll have a rough time getting over jet lag when I go home.

He occupied twenty minutes with idle chatter and borderline interrogation about all the sights I’ve seen before I asked him why he was calling me so early in the morning

“Embry has spent the week at my house, you need to come home there’s nothing we can do anymore to occupy him till you return.” He sighed, Jake knows I want to finish my trip but we made a deal that I would come home early if there were absolutely no options left to keep Embry from sending the pack into hysterics.

I knew he was buttering me up for something.

“Are you sure you can’t figure something out? It’s just another month!”

“Another month of him eating my cereal and getting dirt on me from my dad!”

I snorted with laughter at the fact that Billy was telling Embry every embarrassing detail from his childhood.

“Jake please just let me think about it okay?” I sighed, flopping back into my hollowed cave of blankets and sheets.

“Okay, I’ll let you think about it but don’t think I won’t be telling Sam.” he warned.

We laughed together and he wished me a good night before hanging up the phone, before I slipped back into slumber I sent Jake one more text.

‘You wake me up at one in the morning again and it’s over for you.’ in which he responded with ‘Oh no I’m so scared lol.’

I reached over to the bedside table and plugged my phone in before the sweet embrace of warmth and slumber took over my senses.

The next three days I was bombarded with texts from Paul whining about the wolf mind link and how every patrol shift he had with Embry was spent tuning out his constant thoughts of me.

Standing in the shower with hot water running over my skin soothing my tense muscles I heard my phone buzz against the granite countertop. I rolled my eyes and continued to bask in the endless hotel hot water.

As bad as staying in hotels could be, the hot water made up for the early breakfast and sheets that were tucked in a little too tightly.

I had shampoo in my hair when my phone started buzzing again, this time with a call. I grumbled under the stream of water washing away the soap before it could get in my eyes; whoever's calling can wait.

I moved on to conditioning my hair, letting it sit while I wash the rest of my body with a lightly scented lavender soap.

I refused to use the complimentary soap because it dried out my skin and the lotion just left me feeling sticky instead of moisturized.

Watching the soap run down the drain my phone rang again, I clenched my fists, who could possibly be calling me now? I still refused to get out of my steamy heaven to answer my phone.

My gut told me that whoever was calling wouldn’t let up until I answered. I washed out the conditioner from my hair and wrapped it in a towel.

The mirror was coated in a layer of steam, the tiles were cool against my feet. I wrapped the plush towel around my body, mopping up the droplets of water that remained.

My phone started vibrating with rapid fire text messages from the pack’s group chat they made a month ago. I sighed, picking it up to sift through the messages. I read a message from Jared telling me he’d pay me to return.

The pack always made me laugh, together they’re a walking sitcom. There is never a dull moment with them, someone always had something witty or sarcastic to say.

I checked to see who had called me and it turned out it was Sam, I listened to his voice mails and immediately phoned him back.

As soon as I hit the call button it only rang for half a second before he picked up.

“Thank you for calling back, I thought I’d have to call two more times.” he chuckled.

“Well I was in the middle of a shower, can’t really take a call there.” I moved through the room with my phone pressed between my shoulder and cheek. Stopping at my suitcase to pick out what I was going to wear for the day.

“I’m going to be frank with you, I need you to come home. . .” I let out a huff before he continued.

“Embry needs you badly, he’s just a pile of mush on the floor now. It’s a chore to get him up to go on patrol. Please?”

“Fine, I’ll see what I can do Sam, I’ll try to book a flight for the earliest date I can find.” I knew I was giving in but from what they were telling me and the constant texts were getting to be difficult to manage.

“Thank you, when you get back I’ll buy you take out for a month okay?”

“I hate that you know what my weakness is.” I laughed through the phone, a month of free take out? Hell yeah. It made the prospect of going back a little brighter since I wasn’t going to complete the rest of my trip.

I wasn’t losing out on too much though, I had seen and done everything that I wanted. It wouldn’t be too bad to go home early.

We talked for a couple more minutes before parting ways, I threw my phone on the bed and watched it bounce a couple times before turning my attention back to getting dressed. Since I had a flight to book it was okay to spend the rest of the day lounging in pj’s.

The soft fabric of my pj’s brushed against my skin as I jumped into bed with my computer in hand, and now it was time to book a flight back home. Maybe text Paul and tell him he can quit complaining as well.

I woke up the next morning with my flight booked for take off in the afternoon and my daily good morning text from Embry. I felt a little sad to be leaving such a beautiful country but the trees, ocean and Embry all called my name.

Pacing through the room I grabbed the comfiest set of clothes I packed for my return flight back to Seattle, I had enough time to sleep on the plane to be conscious enough for the three and a half hour drive back to La Push.

I was set for a long day ahead of me but it was going to be worth it in the end, seeing the bright and happy face of my boyfriend, getting to hug him and kiss him again.

I made one last check of the room before I gathered my clothes and toiletry kit and made my way into the bathroom to shower before my long flight. As I was stepping into the shower my phone pinged from the counter with a text from Sam.

“Have you booked that flight yet?” it read.

“Yeah I’m due for take off at 1. I should be back in La Push some time tomorrow!”

My fingers brushed the cool surface of the counter top as I put my phone back and got into the shower, hot water immediately running down my back; this time my phone wasn’t being blown up by a desperate wolf pack trying to get my attention.

I can’t sit in the shower for hours on end this time, I have a flight to catch and a boy to surprise. Embry was currently still under the impression that I would be coming home in two weeks. Boy would he be in for a surprise.

The residual steam wafted out of the bathroom while I brushed my teeth revealing my towel wrapped body and hair in the mirror behind the skin. I checked the time and noted that I had two hours to check out, make my way to the airport, and check into my flight back home. Two more hours before I could smell the trees and ocean, two more hours before I could see my friends and hug Embry.

The time managed to move by in a blur by the time I was shutting the trunk of the yellow cab that was going to drop me off at the airport. I got into the back seat and the driver peeled away from the hotel front onto the winding roads.

“Aye where are you headin’?” The driver inquired in a thick Irish accent.

One thing I noticed in my stay here was that the accent changed in every town or village I passed through. It added to the charm

“Well, I’m on my way home after spending six months in Europe.” My eyes scanned over the green hills that rushed past in a blur.

“My favourite places I’ve been have definitely been Ireland and Greece.” I smiled towards him.

The lines around his eyes crinkled with the smile that graced his face at the mention of Ireland.

“Well that’s good to hear innit? Glad you’ve enjoyed your stay. We welcome ya with open arms if you return.”

We held a light conversation until we arrived in front of the drop off area for passengers, thanked him and grabbed my bags before heading into the crowded lobby.

The front of the terminal was metal and glass that reached towards the heavens with automatic doors gaping open like a mouth. Inside was a dull white with light grey floor which my shoes clicked against with each step.

It was packed with people like a can of sardines, I weaved my way through the masses towards the check in desk which thankfully only had a short line to get through.

Under the mix of fluorescents and natural light the desk lady’s bags that donned under her eyes glared with visible exhaustion from the mass amounts of people that swarmed the terminal.

Despite her clear drowsiness she still greeted me with a warm smile and a soft hello.

I grabbed my ticket and thanked her then turned and pushed myself through to the security check, dropped my luggage off and took a seat to wait for the boarding call for my flight.

As I waited grey clouds started to fill the sky blocking out the little sun that was once shining in its place.

My eyes grew heavier by each minute that passed, waiting could be hard, but waiting in an airport where there’s no sense of time is worse. So I distracted myself by people watching.

A lady was bouncing her baby, the old man across from me was snoring. A businessman paced back and forth speaking urgently into his phone, a family chatted excitedly for their family trip to the Canary Islands.

I pulled my eyes away from them as the call for my flight rang out over the crowded terminal, grabbing my suitcase and making my way towards the gate.

Excitement filled my every step as the anticipation grew and bubbled inside me. I gave the greeting flight attendant a small smile and made my way to my seat, for being last minute I managed to get a window seat.

We sat on the tarmac for twenty minutes before taking off and before I knew it the seat belt light pinged off and I was fast asleep jet setting my way back to America, back to my home.

I couldn’t tell what time it was when I woke up but the clock on the tv screen said 2 a.m. and that we’re due to arrive in an hour. I sat up in my seat and gazed out the window into the starry night sky.

Energy started to course through me as I watched the arrival time tick closer and closer. A light rain misted down over Seattle as I left the Seatac terminal and made my way through the maze of cars in the night that was made darker by the rain.

I spotted my blue Subaru and popped the trunk so my interior and seats wouldn’t get wet. It had been a long six months since I last sat in my driver's seat, the wheel almost felt foreign in my hands as I turned the key and listened to the engine roar to life.

I drove through the winding roads of the city to the Seattle-Bainbridge Ferry to take the 45 minute ride into Bainbridge and headed North to get on the 101 then turn onto 110 which would take me back into the heart of La Push.

The closer I got to Forks the brighter the sky became; well as bright as it could be on a gloomy day. The clouds became painted in the glow of purple and pink as the sun rose over the horizon, the rain had let up and left me with an overcast sky for the remainder of the drive back.

Since I slept virtually the entire flight back I didn’t feel the weight of exhaustion at all, but surely when I arrived back in the arms of Embry I knew I’d hit the wall with sleep deprivation.

As I barreled through the corridor of trees I passed the signature ‘welcome to Forks’ sign and turned right onto the 110, twenty minutes to home. I was so close but my soul felt like it was light years away.

The clock on my radio told me that it was currently 6:45, the pinks and purples that coated the sky faded away to the typical grey that fills my senses with delight. Sea salt and washed up kelp started to seep into the air that circulated into my car making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

Closer to Beach Drive I got the stronger the smell of the ocean became. The turn signal clicked as I turned onto the road that gave way to Sam and Emily’s house so they could take me over to Embry’s in the off chance that he happened to be awake at this hour.

It’s highly unlikely that he would be up at this hour but it’s not something I could be one hundred percent positive about. I stepped out of my car and turned around to see Emily running as fast as she possibly could towards me with open arms and a huge smile plastered across her face.

Dropping my bags I dashed across their lawn into her embrace.

“Oh (y/n)! I missed you so much, you must be so tired.” She released me from her hug and settled her hands on my shoulders giving them a gentle squeeze.

“I missed you too Emily, I knew I’d be tired but not this tired.” I chuckled while wiping at my under eyes in a feeble attempt to wipe away the exhaustion.

She put her hand on my lower back and led me inside for the awaiting cup of tea while Sam moved my bags into his truck.

The warmth of their home embraced me, the comfort of their kitchen was familiar. The only thing missing was the rowdy group of boys that made up the pack who usually occupied every available seat in the home.

I took a seat at the kitchen table where three cups of tea sat waiting, I should have expected a q and a when I returned. Wrapping my hands around the mug the warmth that radiated from it filled my hands.

Emily took a seat beside me and Sam entered through the door and sat adjacent to both of us.

“So how was the trip?” We sat around their table chatting until our cups were empty and filed out of the house into the early morning air.

“Emily and I will drive your car back to your place after I drop you off at Embry’s, the kid’s been sleeping in my living room more often than I’d appreciate.” Sam’s eyes crinkled with a smile, I knew he was joking but at the same time there was truth to his words; and honestly I couldn’t blame him.

“Thank you for putting up with him while I was gone, I owe you guys one and you owe me take out for a month.” He rolled his eyes and ruffled my hair turning into the Call's driveway. Embry’s mom had already left for work leaving him to his own devices; which meant he would sleep in as late as his heart desired.

We got out of Sam’s truck and he dropped my bags on the doorstep. I turned and gave him a quick hug and a thank you before sticking my key into the lock.

The door creaked open and I dragged my suitcases to a stop in their front entry way and shut it behind me.

My shoes landed on the floor with a soft thud and I gingerly walked up the stairs to ensure I wasn’t too noisy while making sure to avoid the one squeaky stair.

I got to the top of the stairs and hung a left down their light beige hallway that gave way to the oak door that guarded Embry’s room. His soft snores filtered through the door, it’s door knob was cool in my hand. Making an audible click with the turn of my wrist.

Dark mahogany brown hair peaked up from beneath the sheet that tucked Embry’s body out of view. One pillow was on the floor while the other was tucked firmly between his cheek and arm, I smiled at the sight of my sleeping boyfriend which filled my every inch with the utmost joy.

My sock covered feet pressed into the carpeted flooring with each step I took towards his bed making sure to step over the piles of dirty clothes that were scattered around the room.

The sun filtered through the gaps in the window blinds casting pools of golden light on the floor and along his walls causing the crystal prism that hung above his closet to sweep dashes of colour across his walls.

I pulled back the grey top sheet to reveal his peaceful face and I swear my heart was going to burst with the amount of love that I feel for him. His hair was tousled in every direction and a cow lick stuck straight up on the left side of his head.

My hands ran over his hair, smoothing it out while I whispered his name. Embry groaned a bit and rolled over, I whispered his name a little bit louder and moved my hands from his hair to his shoulders running them along his arms finally waking him from his slumber.

“Hi Em!” I gushed out as his brown eyes opened and focused on me. His face split with his toothy smile and his arms shot around me, pulling me down into his chest.

“Do you know how much I missed you?” Embry mumbled into my hair.

“I figured a lot with the amount of texts I got from the pack.” I reached up brushing the hair from his face.

“You can never leave me for that long again. . .I didn’t know what to do without you here.” He ran his hands through my hair placing a gentle kiss upon the top of my head.

“I was so worried about you. I couldn’t protect you and make sure you were safe.”

“Well next time I’ll make sure you can come, then you don’t have to worry.” Craning my neck up I placed a kiss upon his lips which were still a bit swollen from slumber.

“The important thing is that I returned safe and in one piece. The other important thing is I get to spoil you with the gifts I brought back!”

His laugh filled the room sending vibrations through my body.

“Hey! That’s my job to spoil you, not the other way around.” He ruffled my hair causing us both to laugh. I peeled off my socks and wiggled my way under his blanket.

“I think it’s time we catch up on six months worth of cuddling.” I poked a finger into his side.

“Yeah I think that’s a good idea, you owe me for being gone so long.”

“What? I came back early!” His hands made their way under my shirt to rest on the bare skin of my back sending waves of heat through my body from being pressed into him. Oh how I missed my heater.

“Yeah, by like what? Two weeks?” his silky voice chuckled out.

“I missed you Embry.” I told him, placing a kiss on his exposed shoulder.

“I missed you too. Now let's go back to sleep, you look tired.” He said to me as he rested his chin atop my head and pulling me closer.

[icarusfallsforwalls]

Oh NYC Night 2, where do I even begin?

I’ve honestly been pinching myself all day thinking about the fact that not only have I been able to see Louis twice on this tour 😭 but that I got to experience both the high’s too high (NYC N2) and the low’s too low (Atlanta). As @pndnj said to me, I got my redemption show 😭 and omg did it effing redeem 🥲

I’ve already said this, as have countless other people, but Louis & his band are incredible live. Like INCREDIBLE. Louis’ voice? Angelic. Louis’ band? Perfection. Louis' stage presence? Magnetic. Louis' lead guitarist? So hot.

The NYC venue was so pretty! I didn’t take many pictures, but I spent a lot of time looking around at all of the ornate & intricate details.

Not to mention, waiting in line outside of the venue actually faces the Empire State Building, so cool views all around.

For this show I was on the floor in the pit! Something I was actually nervous about and avoided at my first show, but was actually a game changer in NYC?? The pit is the heart of the show. Obviously you can enjoy Louis from everywhere, but you just FEEL every bit of it in the pit and I think Louis pulls from that energy. He had a table set up at the entrance with free water, and an announcement was made before the show started about taking a few steps back to make space and leaving the pit if you weren’t feeling well, so in general it seemed like that situation had improved slightly.

Am I just inserting random pictures? Yes.

For starters (he he) Sun Room is so good live! Their energy is infectious and a great way to warm up the crowd. They also seem so genuinely happy and grateful to have this opportunity and their admiration of Louis is obvious.

Because my mind is a jumble, I’m tired and words are hard for me right now here are a few things:

- Louis coming out to We Made It is iconic and WILL change your life. It is the PERFECT way to start the show. I’ve always always loved that song, but the live performances of it have truly elevated it to new heights and so much of that is due to the drums! @silverfoxlou and I were talking about how much we would love to have a clip of Louis and Steve talking about the conception of that and the process of making it happen.

- Drag Me Down is possibly the loudest and most floor shaking song. Super fun & comes early in the show, so the energy is still very high.

- Don’t Let it Break Your Heart is actually everything to me. It means so much to me and I actually just want to live in the live performance of it. Is it too dramatic to say it healed my soul?

-Two of Us is a gorgeous song in general, sometimes too sad for me to listen to, but gorgeous nonetheless. The live version is so anthemic, so hopeful. 🥲 I have so much respect for Louis for performing this every night. It's a truly beautiful and heartfelt moment every time.

- Always You is a straight up BOP, even more so live with everyone screaming and jumping and dancing. And the guitar on it?? 🤌🏼

- 7 is hot and sexy and sweaty and 💦 SO GOOD

- Fearless is a fucking classic, even more so with the ICONIC guitar solo (marry me Michael 💍)

- Habit is Habit and the crowd loves it

- Copy is SO GOOD live. Even better when the crowd knows the lyrics and screams them with you. Louis FLEXED on this one, you feel it in your bones 🤌🏼

- Defenceless is also SO LOUD. The crowd loves this song too, as they should!!! As SANJU noted earlier, the floor was literally shaking through this one too.

- Beautiful War is beautiful and calming, a welcome little break from the chaos since it seems like a fair amount of the crowd did not know the words. They all held up their torches though!

- Little Black Dress is SO HOT. I’M SORRY. 🥵

- Walls is THE MOMENT. And it’s so special that Louis knows what that line now means to us. Such a special moment between artist and fans. And he not only knows it, but loves it too 🥲

- Only the Brave is absolutely everything you want it to be. Surrounded by love and pride flags and the ultimate feelings of acceptance and support.

- Through The Dark!!! My girl!!! I have to admit I didn’t love it during AFHF but OMG do I love it now. Another very special moment.

- And finally, ladies & gentlemen, gays & they’s, please rise for the bitch that is KMM. Louis is a rockstar, get used to it people. He puts his whole bussy into this song, as does the crowd!

- Also the chicken nugget slkdjflksjd !!! But pls don't throw things at him!!

Overall, the BEST time!! I loved every time he stopped and spoke to the crowd. I just loved hearing his voice. I loved watching him finally have the opportunity to own the stage and put on the show he’s had in him all along. I love to see him happy and smiling and bouncing and glowing and rocking out. I love that he’s finally getting to do this, after so many years of setbacks. I loved looking up to see Oli intently watching Louis and the crowd (yes, I took a picture and yes, he is hot).

It was just the best night. I loved all of it. Tour!Louis is the best Louis 🤌🏼

Nothing shows you have a shit camera like going to a concert does, but here have some pictures ☺️

[absolutepokemontrash]

MC is Half Demon and They Look Awfully Familiar Lesson 16

Masterlist

Previous part

It’s finally here! The long awaited Lesson 16! Please enjoy, my lovelies!

MC had gone back in time, they didn’t think their year as an exchange student would end up like this, but yet, there they were. They sprinted up the stairs to the attic and burst through the door.

Their heart was in their throat as they made their way down the hallway and peaked through the door.

“MC?”

Belphegor, safe and sound, got up from the bed and rubbed his eyes. “What are you doing? What’s wrong?”

“A lot of stuff… um…” MC tapped their foot and shifted anxiously. “I’m going to get you out of here, okay?”

“Right now?”

“Right now.”

MC slammed their palm into the door and slowly wrapped their fingers around the bars as they felt the remnants of Lucifer’s spell coil its way up their arm. The spell had weakened with time, and Lucifer must have neglected to reinforce it.

They gritted their teeth and countered with their own magic, but MC could feel their strength being drained. Their vision blurred ever so slightly as something else countered Lucifer’s magic. It was warm and calming, as if someone had pressed a kiss to MC’s forehead and told them everything was going to be okay.

The door let out a metallic screech as it wrestled against the spell, begging to be opened. Until finally, blue sparks erupted from the door and slowly fizzled out. The door slowly creaked open as the warm energy faded.

Belphie took a tentative step forward, when met with no resistance, he stepped into the hallway. Free at last.

MC stood in silence, fatigue washing over them. That was… exhausting.

“You did it.” Belphie beamed at MC, who looked up and returned the smile.

“I… I did!” MC squeaked, looking at the broken attic door in wonder.

Belphie laughed at their starry eyed expression and held out his arms for a hug. “Nice job, MC.”

MC threw themselves into his arms and let out a laugh of pure joy at their achievement. They had broken a spell put down by their father. They had done it! All by themselves! He was going to be so proud of them! Well, after Belphie and him made up of course.

“You know,” Belphie whispered as he wrapped his arms around MC. “I wonder how long it’s been…”

“Hm?” MC felt Belphie shift slightly in their arms, a new material rested against their face. MC opened their eyes and looked up.

“How many thousands of years it’s been since I’ve held something so human in my arms.”

Belphegor was in his demon form, curved horns jutting out of the side of his head, a tail lazily swishing behind him. He smiled as he looked down at MC.

“What are you-”

MC was cut off by a hand wrapping around their throat as they were yanked upwards. They let out a scream as they immediately shifted into their own demon form, their wings flapping, desperately trying to push Belphegor back.

MC’s hands clawed at the hand wrapped around their neck and slammed their feet into his chest. Their escape attempts were put to a halt as Belphegor slammed MC into the hallway wall, painfully pinning MC’s frantically flapping wings.

Their vision swam as the base of their skull connected with the wall, their ears rang and tears began to prick at the corners of their eyes. Thinking fast, MC tried to sink their rapidly sharpening teeth into Belphegor’s arm but his grip on their neck was holding their head straight.

They were going to die-

They were going to die-

They didn’t want to die-

They couldn’t just die like this!

——

Belphegor almost rolled his eyes as he watched MC panic and thrash. He could feel their pulse race beneath his fingers.

A demon’s life or death adrenaline kicking in was no joke, Belphegor knew that. But this kid- this little brat wasn’t even a full demon.

Belphie’s face contorted into a scowl as he let his magic seep through his hands, he soon felt MC’s pulse slow and clarity return to their vision.

——

MC’s kicks and scratches slowed and black spots danced across their vision as their gaze settled on Belphegor.

Every ounce of energy that MC could have mustered was sapped out of them, every single breath they managed to choke out took a massive amount of effort.

“There we go,” Belphegor smiled, his head lolling to the side. “Was that so hard, MC?”

MC let out a low growl, then a whimper when the grip on their throat tightened.

“Now now,” Belphegor sighed. “You’re in no position to get snappy with me, are you?”

MC didn’t respond.

“You know, half breed? If you’re tricked by a demon, you truly have your own stupidity and naivety to blame.” Belphegor continued. “You wouldn’t understand that, would you? You’re half human. Humans are notoriously easy to trick.”

MC gripped the hand holding their neck even tighter, digging their nails into his wrist.

“It’s pathetic, that’s what it is. Are you even Lucifer’s child? Your wings say so, but your ability to fight back leaves something to be desired.”

The insult caused MC to slam their foot into Belphegor’s ribcage, he grimaced, but his grip held firm.

“It’s just so ridiculously pitiful, MC.” Belphie said. “Any real demon would be able to fight back from this easy peasy.”

Belphegor snickered and used his free hand to rub the remaining sleep from his eyes. He was barely half awake and MC was still completely at his mercy.

“So sad… sad indeed.”

“Wh-why?” MC barely managed to whisper, Belphie rolled his eyes.

“I swear, does anyone in this house tell you anything?” Belphie sneered. “I. Hate. Humans. Simple as that. And look at you, the half human kid of the brother that locked me up here, you’ll have to forgive me for being a little upset, MC.”

“Let’s see now,” Belphegor cooed, bringing his face slightly closer. “Does your pride match up to your dear dad’s? Are you willing to beg for your life? If you do it well enough, I might be tempted to let you live.”

The grip around their neck relaxed slightly, MC gasped for air, taking a few deep breaths. Belphegor raised an eyebrow.

“I’m waiting.”

The silence hung in the air, the back of MC’s head throbbed in pain as they tried to focus their gaze to Belphegor’s. They’d say what they were going to say next looking him in the eyes. The child’s black and red eyes slowly narrowed into an icy glare.

“Death first.” MC snarled.

Belphegor’s hand tightened around their neck so much that MC couldn’t even scream, their hands fell to their sides and their kicks slowly subsided. As their vision began to fade, they almost laughed despite themselves.

It seemed they really were their father’s child.

——

“Death first.”

Belphegor tightened his grip and felt MC’s throat practically crumple and fall apart in his grasp.

Even when faced with death they refused to grovel. Belphegor let out a soft laugh. They really were Lucifer’s child!

That look of pure disdain, that refusal to just give up and beg, all Lucifer.

They really were… Lucifer’s…

Belphie snarled and slammed MC’s unconscious form into the wall again, trying to ignore the feeling that twisted his gut.

“I hate you…” he whispered.

“I hate you… I hate you!” Belphie repeated, not daring to look up. “I hate you I hate you I hate you!”

Belphie’s hand slowly slipped from MC’s neck and they crumpled to the floor. his arm fell limp at his side as he caught his breath.

There was no way the kid could have survived that, and yet, Belphie heard breathing. Quiet, shuddering breaths.

He dragged his eyes to look at MC. Their demon form really did look like his brother’s. MC’s horns hadn’t fully grown in yet, but they were just beginning to curve upwards, one a little more than the other. Everything from their wings to the diamond shaped mark on the centre of their forehead, was all Lucifer.

The brother that all of them had once looked up to, the brother that took care of them, the brother that declared war on everything he had known for their sister.

…but MC wasn’t Lucifer, were they? No. No they weren’t. They weren’t the human that Lilith had fallen in love with either, they weren’t the reason for the war.

They were the only person that reached out to help Belphie, the person who went up to visit him, they were someone who saw him as family.

“What did you do?” An all too impossibly familiar voice whispered. “Belphie, what did you do?!”

He felt his throat tighten. A DDD buzzed nearby, it was lying face down a little farther down the hallway. In an almost hypnotic state, Belphegor walked over and picked it up.

Two texts greeted him.

Father: I’ll be home in five minutes.

Father: The student council meeting ran late.

The text wasn’t what caught his attention, it was the picture on the lock screen. It was a picture of MC, Levi, Mammon, and Beel. MC was on Beel’s shoulders and Levi and Mammon were shoving each other around behind them. Mammon looked to be having more fun than Levi, who had just noticed his picture was being taken and looked completely terrified. Beel was eating a bag of chips and MC was in the middle of reaching into the bag to grab a handful, they were looking into the camera like they had just noticed the person taking the picture.

They were walking back from… something. Half of Mammon’s face was covered in RAD’s school colours, and Levi was holding a few poster boards that were also in the school’s colours. MC was wearing one of Beel’s helmets, even though it was way too big on them.

Ah, Belphie knew what they were doing. They were heading home from one of Beel’s games.

Belphie’s eyes were glued to MC and Beel. Beel was… smiling. He was happy. He didn’t notice his picture was being taken and he was looking slightly off-camera. One of his arms was holding one of MC’s legs in place so they wouldn’t topple backwards.

Belphegor felt the DDD slip out of his hands and clatter to the floor, he walked back over to MC. They were still breathing, and Belphie blinked a few times to make sure he was seeing right. The tiny cuts from his claws had completely healed over, and the swelling around MC’s neck had slightly lessened. They were being healed…

He kneeled down next to them and reached out to touch their head, he hesitated for a brief moment before letting his hand rest on their hair. A softer magic ran through his hands, MC’s breathing became less laborious and their throat slowly began to fix itself.

Belphie suppressed a yawn at the exertion, he picked MC up and carried them downstairs. They were still completely unconscious. That was good, Belphie heard that humans healed faster in their sleep anyway.

He set them down gently on one of the living room couches and walked back upstairs. Even as he lay back down in his bed, Belphie still couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched.

——

Lucifer dragged Mammon and Levi up the stairs to the House of Lamentation by their ears, Satan, Asmo, and Beel trailing behind him.

“You both are so lucky Lord Diavolo wasn’t upset.” Lucifer growled.

Levi was in his admiral’s uniform, but it was so wrinkled and smelly that anyone could tell it had been lying at the back of his closet. Mammon was still in his school uniform and was trying to wiggle out of the ear-hold.

“C-come on Lucifer! Ya gotta understand, I can’t get hung from the ceiling today, I have a modelling gig!” Mammon pleaded.

“Y-yeah! There’s a rerun of I Can’t Believe My Girlfriend’s Secretly Been Royalty-eeeeow!” Levi screeched and tried in vain to remove Lucifer’s hand from his ear.

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “You two should have thought about that before you and Levi decided it would be a good idea to get into a fight in front of Diavolo and Barbatos.”

“What a functional family we have.” Satan drawled.

Mammon and Levi’s pleas for mercy quieted when everyone stepped into the house, something was… wrong. Very very wrong.

“MC?” Lucifer called out. No reply. He let go of Mammon and Levi.

“Blood…”

Lucifer turned to look at Beel, who had his nose in the air. “What was that, Beel?”

“Smells like blood.”

Everyone stood motionless for a few moments as what Beel said began to sink in. Mammon was the first to break the silence.

“Shit, MC!” He shouted, rushing towards the dining hall.

“MC? MC come on,” Asmo sped towards the bedrooms. “If this is some kind of joke it isn’t funny!”

“M-maybe they’re in the backyard! I’ll check…” Levi ran to the back door of the house.

Satan and Beel went in the direction of the library while Lucifer stalked towards the living room.

If MC was playing some kind of joke on him, he’d wring their neck.

He entered the living room and breathed an immediate sigh of relief upon seeing MC lying on one of the couches, sleeping soundly. They were just napping…

Lucifer’s lips quirked upwards into a fond smile as he ruffled his sleeping child’s hair, then paused upon seeing the rusty substance that now coated his glove. Mostly dried blood.

“MC..?” He whispered, sitting down on the couch and pulling them towards him. “MC?”

When MC didn’t respond, Lucifer’s heart began to race in his chest.

No.

No.

Not again.

Not like Lilith…

“MC, wake up,” Lucifer said in a more commanding tone. “You’re okay, wake up, right now!”

They didn’t stir, they just lay there. Their breathing and his own thundering heartbeat was all Lucifer could hear.

A shriek from Asmodeus brought him back to reality as Lucifer slowly rocked MC back and forth, muttering the names of spells as he tried to use his magic to heal them.

“What happened?!” Asmo rushed forward, hands already glowing white with magic.

Lucifer couldn’t give an answer nor could he look away from MC as Asmodeus ran a glowing hand along their head.

Asmo snapped his hand back towards him like something had burned him, he looked up at Lucifer with a look of pure confusion. “L-Lucifer… do you know whose magical signature that is..?”

“H-huh?! MC?!” Mammon, followed by Satan, Beel, and Levi rushed to MC’s side. The chorus of questions and shock were of no interest to Lucifer, he continued to cradle MC in his lap.

“Lucifer!” Asmo tried to get his attention again, he growled and whipped his head around to his other brothers. “ALL OF YOU, QUIET!”

Such a sharp snarl from Asmo of all demons immediately quieted them down as Asmo turned back to look at Lucifer. “It’s Belphie. That’s Belphie’s magical signature. I’d bet my life on it.”

Lucifer felt his blood run cold, his grip on MC tightened as he pulled them closer to him.

“Belphie is up in the human world, Asmo!” Satan snapped. “How the hell could he have done this?!”

“I don’t know!” Asmo retorted. “But I’m not lying, that’s Belphie’s magic!”

Belphegor got out of the attic.

Belphegor hurt MC.

Lucifer gently set MC back down on the couch, in a matter of seconds his true form was revealed.

“L-Lucifer…” Mammon whispered.

Watch them.” Lucifer growled. He turned and stalked down the hallway towards the attic.

When he burst through the door to the attic staircase the first thing that hit him was the residual magic energy that practically coated the room. His spell keeping his brothers from being able to enter the attic, the spell that hid Belphie from view if they somehow managed to bypass the first spell, and finally most hauntingly, was the spell that kept Belphie sealed in the attic. All of them were dispelled by a counter spell from an all too familiar magic signature.

MC broke the spells.

Lucifer stormed up the stairs and down the hall to where Belphie was supposed to be, the stench of magic and blood got even stronger as he approached the open door.

He stood in the doorway, Belphie was sitting on the bed, hugging his knees, he looked over at Lucifer. The two stared each other down, Belphie’s expression held no malice or anger, it was glassy and far off, like he wasn’t even there. Belphegor wasn’t close enough to see, but Lucifer’s pupils had retracted and stretched.

“Lucifer.”

“What have you done?”

There was no triumph or glee in Belphegor’s voice, it was hollow and empty.

“I ruined the exchange program like I said I would.”

—————

MC’s eyes fluttered open, they expected to wake up to the sound of their DDD alarm buzzing and telling them to wake up for school, but the intense soreness of their neck snapped them back to reality. They were in their father’s room, lying on his bed.

“Ah!” MC rasped, a hand flying to their neck to pull off the hand that was just wrapped around it.

Their thoughts raced. Why were they here? Where was Belphegor? Why weren’t they dead?!

“MC..?”

MC lurched upwards whipped their head back and forth to find the source of the voice. They didn’t have to look very far, Lucifer was sitting next to them with a clipboard and notebook on his lap.

“D-dad?” MC felt tears prick at their eyes, the events of the day crashing down on them all at once. They let out a sob and buried their head in Lucifer’s chest.

Lucifer held MC close, If he wasn’t a demon, the grip MC had on him would have crushed him.

“Sh, it’s okay, you’re okay. You’re safe now.” It sounded to MC like Lucifer was trying to reassure himself as much as he was trying to reassure them.

It hurt to cry, every sound and heavy gulp of air made MC’s neck and ribs throb with pain, every tiny movement of their arms made them want to cry even harder. The only silver lining was that it was less of a sharp recent pain and more of a reminder of a much older injury. The sped up healing courtesy of multiple spells must have aided in that regard.

“I’m sorry…” They whimpered, choking out another sob. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…”

“MC, what on earth are you sorry for?”

MC sniffled before explaining. “I… I-I let him out of the attic… I didn’t listen when you said not to go up there…he said he wanted t-to fix everything… I just wanted to h-help…”

Lucifer hugged them tighter, it hurt a little, but MC didn’t care.

“I’m sorry…” MC whimpered again. “I’m so so sorry…”

“Shh,” Lucifer whispered. “It’s not your fault. I should have been there. I should have…”

Lucifer trailed off and the two fell silent, save for the occasional sniffle or hiccup from MC.

Despite all the reassurances, the guilt didn’t go away, but what was worse was the fear. Every cell in MC’s body seemed to be screaming at them for their sheer stupidity. They had let Belphegor almost kill them, and their failure to fight him off had been made known to the entire house.

MC’s shaking slowly subsided and they pulled away slightly. “H-how did I live through that? How am I okay..? He said he was going to kill me…” MC let out another sob and touched their neck. “What kind of demon am I if I can’t even protect myself?”

“MC, look at me,” Lucifer instructed, MC shakily complied. “You have nothing to be sorry for. None of this was your fault, this fight has been brewing for thousands of years and you just got caught in the crossfire. You’re still a child, there’s no shame in being hurt by a demon thousands of years older that caught you off guard and deceived you.”

MC nodded, wiping their tears with their sleeve. Lucifer did his best to smile comfortingly.

“Besides,” He helped wipe MC’s tears away. “I don’t think any other demon in this house has enough magical power to break all three spells I had in place at once. You’re not weak, MC, nor are you any less of a demon.”

A meow broke its way into the conversation, Bean nestled himself into MC’s lap and began to purr.

“I thought...” MC sniffled, then smiled. “I thought you didn’t want Bean in your room.”

“I’ll make an exception for today.”

“Careful, Father,” MC laughed between hiccups. “Cerberus might think his favourite demon likes the cat more than him.”

“You might be right, and we don’t want to give Cerberus another reason to want to eat the cat.”

MC giggled, then winced at the pain in their neck. Lucifer sighed and pulled them into another hug.

“Asmodeus said that you’ll be back to normal in a few days or less.” Lucifer whispered. “You’ll be okay.”

“Are… are you going to be okay?” MC asked.

Lucifer didn’t respond for a moment, then sighed.

“I will be.”

After a while of absentmindedly petting the cat and leaning on their father’s arm, MC finally asked the question that had been on their mind since they had woken up.

“What happened to Belphegor?”

“He’s with Beel right now.” Lucifer replied, MC half nodded as they stared blankly at the opposite wall.. “He’s not going to hurt you again, I can promise you that.”

“Mm…” MC mumbled, they took a deep breath and braced themselves. “I’m sorry for being such an idiot…”

“MC-”

“No, I messed up,” a lump formed in MC’s throat as they continued. “Beel, Belphie, and I ran away after Belphie escaped the attic the first time… Lord Diavolo found us and took Belphie, I-I made Beel go back to get all of you so I c-could sneak into Barbatos’ room and fix everything…”

MC hiccuped and rubbed at their already puffy eyes. “I just made everything worse…”

Lucifer sighed and absentmindedly clicked his pen. “I know. Barbatos and Diavolo came over before you woke up and explained everything.”

“What about the other future?” MC sniffed.

“According to Barbatos, he merged it with this one.” Lucifer said. “He said that we’ll be getting small batches of memories from that timeline, but that’s it.”

MC blankly nodded again. Their head was filled with emotions and questions they just didn’t have the strength to deal with. It didn’t help that every single one of their limbs felt heavy as lead and they just wanted to go back to sleep.

“Do you need anything, MC?”

“Music would be nice.”

Lucifer smiled and got up to turn on the record player. “Cursed or not?”

——

Belphie was still in the attic. He lay in the bed in the midst of the destroyed room. Nothing was keeping him locked away up there, the door hadn’t closed since MC unlocked it earlier. Despite it all, Belphie didn’t want to leave. Not after what happened earlier.

Lucifer was fully ready to kill him. It had taken Beel, Levi, and Mammon using their full strength to actually hold Lucifer back.

But the hours had passed, Beel had left, Mammon and Levi could barely even look at him, Asmo and Satan hadn’t even come to see him. The youngest had ruined everything, and all he had left to keep him company was the lingering feeling of regret.

“Belphegor.”

Belphie didn’t open his eyes at the sound of his name. He felt a sudden weight on his chest, making it harder to breathe. He was no stranger to sleep paralysis and the unexplainable horrors that often followed, but his thousands of years of experience never could have prepared him for what he saw when he opened his eyes.

Lilith.

Her face was just as he remembered it, her eyes were just as bright and full of life as they were thousands of years ago. Her downy wings were open and fluttered slightly, and to Belphie’s horror, the wound from the arrow that pierced her right wing was still fresh.

But that was all, there were no remnants of the scars that coated her arms and neck from the war, no defeated look of resigned despair…

It was Lilith, just as Belphie remembered her.

She glared at her brother with a rage he hadn’t seen in millennia. She had his shirt balled up in her fists as she asked her first question.

“What the hell were you thinking!?” The pain and agony in her voice when she asked nearly caused Belphie to cry. “Why did you do that?!”

Belphegor couldn’t respond, he just stared up at the ghostly form of his sister. Her glare hardened.

“I didn’t help MC break those spells for you to… do something like this!”

Her form flickered for the briefest of moments, instead of a halo and wings, a dragon-like tail and thin curved horns took their place, Lilith’s eyes darkened and her nails grew longer and sharper before she flickered back to the form Belphegor recognized.

“L-Lilith?” Belphie whispered, she rolled her eyes.

“Using my death as an excuse for that…” She trailed off, her grip on Belphie’s shirt tightening. “You’re terrible! You really are!”

Terrible? Lilith’s childlike way of chiding people for their misdeeds hadn’t changed a bit. Belphie half expected her to cross her arms and puff out her cheeks like a petulant kid.

“What do you mean?”

“MC!” She growled, flickering back to the unfamiliar demon form. “They weren’t involved! They had nothing to do with me! NOTHING!”

“They’re… they’re half human!”

Belphie’s pitiful attempts to justify his actions to Lilith and himself fell flat as the tight knot of guilt in his gut only grew.

“And I’m stuck like this!” Lilith cried, she flickered back and forth from her angelic and demonic forms, her wounds from the war returning and disappearing as she switched back and forth. “Stuck between being an angel and a demon! But you’d have me back in an instant, wouldn’t you?”

She was right, Belphie would have given anything to have his sister back in any form. Angel, demon, human…

“You can’t stop and think for one moment that the humans had nothing to do with my death?!”

“That human was the reason the war even started!” Belphie retorted, trying to push Lilith’s hands off of his shirt. “He’s the reason why you were in trouble in the first place!”

“No he wasn’t! It was me! I made that decision, not him!” Lilith hissed. “You know what you’ve been doing for the past how many millennia? Looking for someone to blame! Looking for someone to hate that you have actual power over! You don’t have power over the Celestial Realm, you don’t have power over father, but you do have power over humans. You hate them because it’s convenient, and MC paid the price for it!”

Belphie shook his head. “That's not true!”

“Then why?!” Lilith snarled. “Why do you hate them so much?! Why don’t you hate the angels with that much ferocity?! What did MC ever do to you other than try and help you?!”

Every accusation hit him like a hammer to the skull. His head throbbed with every single thing Lilith accused him of, no matter how much he denied it, he knew it was true. Every last word.

“Just..!” Lilith’s rage morphed into something much more quiet and fragile, she slowly curled into herself and shook her head. “Just… why? Why haven’t you been able to move on?”

Belphie felt tears prick at the corner of his vision. “You were our sister. They were just going to… just going to kill you like it was nothing. We promised we’d protect you and you died anyway…. and it was all my fault.”

“Belphie…”

“If I had never taken you to the human world this never would have happened…”

“So what?”

“H-huh?”

“So what?” Lilith repeated. “It’s over now. It’s been over and done with for thousands of years. You need to let it go.”

“But-”

“My death wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t Beel’s, and it wasn’t any human’s. We tried to fight the person who was responsible and…” She trailed off, then quickly shook her head and returned her stare to her brother.

“H-how,” Belphie mumbled. “How are they all going to forgive me..?”

Lilith grimaced and shook her head. “I have no idea. Just… try. Try and fix this...”

Belphie sighed and nodded. “I will.”

Lilith finally smiled. Her new tail swished through the air behind her as she slowly faded away.

“Thank you.”

————

Author’s note:

May the muse Calliope have pity on my poor soul, this has been a WIP in my Google Docs SINCE PART 3 OF THE HALF DEMON SERIES CAME OUT.

I hope you all liked the angst… I’m not too proud of my skills in writing the big sad (tm) yet, buuuuut this is ✨ progress ✨, so I’m not going to self deprecate! I’m thinking of doing a version where it’s M!MC or A!MC instead of L!MC, because I know that Belphie and the kids would react very differently to the whole attempted murder thing…

But for now, I must bid you all adieu. I’m going to eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

[kirschteinsj]

Another life

Genre: angst, (dazai x male reader)

warnings: mentions of blood, guns, language, death

word count: 1.2k

summary: y/n and his last moments with his ex lover

a/n: hi !!! This is my first time uploading something here!! this is a short bit I wrote that I kinda liked !! I'm not too great at this yet, but i hope to post more since its kinda fun !! i hope you enjoy it !! ^_^ !! 

The boy sat there, crutched against the cold, concrete wall, wincing in pain. Blood pouring from his abdomen, how long had that wound even been there? It didn’t matter, he knew his precious days were soon to be over and there was no energy left in him to fight. Eventually, Dazai would catch up to him and find him here in his vulnerable state. Either his old lover would kill him or he would bleed to death in this grey, empty garage.

His eyes felt heavy and begged to be closed. But he couldn’t get them too. A part of him wanted to wait until his last breath for Dazai to find him. It excited him, the latter discovering him there bleeding to death. Perhaps he could put him out of his misery.

Dazai’s quick footsteps echoed in the empty hall, he’d found him. Y/n’s head jolted upwards, a sly smirk plastering his face. He was just on time. The agent made his way over to y/n, gun extended before him in case of any surprises

Seeing the tall, slim man’s face made him reminisce about the tender moments they spent together in the past. How his lips felt against his, how his frail hands grazed his skin under the moonlight. The sweet nothings they shared and the witty banter exchanged. He’d missed him, but knew things were better off without him.

“You’re alone.” He croaks, blood trickling at his lips. Dazai’s expression changes. His face which once was a stone-cold emotionless slate was now washed over with a soft expression topped off with a fragile smile. The brunette huffed and lowered himself to y/n’s position and sat on his knees, gun still in his hand.

“I suppose I am. I told Kunikida to stay back and watch over the entrance. Thought I’d spend some alone time with my favourite person, hm?” He teases, placing a curled finger underneath the boy’s chin, tilting his head up towards him.

Dazai looked into his tired eyes, lids hanging low. He too realized he didn’t have long, he was becoming colder.

He recalls the nights he stayed up with him, talking about all the things they wanted to do, how their days went, shit-talking Chuuya. He missed him just as much. But after Dazai had left the mafia, things changed. What once were mutual admirers were now bittersweet enemies. Though, whenever Dazai saw him, he could only think of the y/n that was his lover. Why did it have to be this way?

Y/n’s expressionless eyes bored into Dazai’s. He wanted to tell Dazai everything about the way he had felt for his ex but knew that if he did, the words would trail off his slick lips and end short. He felt as though he’d run out of air and end things unfinished.

“Dazai,” he spoke, gasping for air, “I missed you, you bastard.” Earning a chuckle from Dazai. The lover raised his hand to y/n’s forehead and pushed wisps of his hair away from his eyes, clearing his face so he could see him better.

“You’ve never been keen on pet names, have you?”

“I haven’t. Some things never change.”

Dazai pouts, “You know I wouldn’t mind being called ‘baby’ every now and then.” He whines, rolling his eyes facetiously. Y/n coughs up a laugh and clings onto his stomach, concerning Dazai. He noticed the wound and felt rage, for some reason. Though his mission was to stop y/n and kill him, he felt infuriated at the idea of someone attempting to hurt him. What kind of sick and twisted way of love was this?

“Ouch, that looks bad, who did that to you?” He posed, moving his gun to the opposite hand, gently lifting the boy’s shirt to examine the wound.

He looks down at Dazai’s hands and then averts his eyes back to his slender face, “I dunno, I just noticed it. It’ll kill me pretty soon.”

The older boy sighs, bringing down the shirt. The injury would kill him, yes, but within a few hours to say the least. Truthfully, Dazai was disappointed, he didn’t want to be the one to kill y/n. But leaving him to die here wouldn’t be ideal either. He’d be found and saved, something that Dazai couldn’t let happen either. If y/n was to die, it would have to happen right there and then. The tension on Dazai could be detected from a mile away, y/n caught onto this almost immediately.

“Dazai, I’ve done some horrible things.” Y/n grunts, attempting to sit up straight. Dazai lends him a hand and the boy leans his head against the wall, closing his eyes.

“I know you have. We both have.” 

“But you’ve become a better man.” He insisted, “Dazai, if I asked you to do one last favour for me, for old time’s sake, would you?”

The tall man was curious yet hesitant to hear his request. But nonetheless, Dazai agreed to hear this favour. Perhaps he could fulfill a dying man’s wish.

The frail boy opened his mouth and spoke in a near whisper, “Dazai, I want you to shoot and kill me. Right here, right now.”

Dazai felt his stomach drop. He’d killed people before and wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if it meant protecting the lives of others. Though in this case, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to.

“What, are you too afraid to die slowly and painfully like this?” The man smirked as he pointed at the wound, teasing him in an attempt to calm himself down. Y/n let out a soft giggle.

“Maybe I am. But in all honesty, I don’t want to be saved. I think I’ve lived an eventful life, don’t you think so? I think,” he pauses to cough, “that it’s time for me to go.”

Closing his eyes, Dazai leans his head back and inhales. Though he still loved y/n, he knew he’d have to do this before anyone else could. He had to end things here.

“Okay. I’ll kill you. On one condition.”

“That is?”

The tall brunette remained silent, and leaned into y/n’s face. He set the gun underneath his chin, allowing it to hold his head up and slowly, he closed the empty space between the two, lips interlocking. Kissing back with whatever energy was left, y/n hoped this moment would last nearly forever. Was this what heaven was like? He wouldn’t know and wasn’t destined to either. Dazai released from the kiss with a tsk, y/n’s blood resting faintly on the latter’s lips. Gradually, he stood up, towering over his lover. Raising the barrel of the gun to y/n’s head, he looked at him one last time, remembering their lives together. Acknowledging that this was the last time he’d see y/n alive, he exhaled in sadness.

“I missed you too. I’m sorry it had to be this way, y/n.”

“So am I, Dazai. So am I.” 

“Maybe we can meet again sometime soon. For old time’s sake.”

“Perhaps, in another life.” He smirked, cocking the gun.

A deafening silence took over. With all his might, y/n opened his mouth to whisper his final words, eyes brimming with tears.

“In another life.”

And with that, Dazai’s gun fired.

[thefanficmonster]

Unconditionally. Completely. Infinitely.

Corpse Husband x Pregnant!Reader

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Fluff

Summary: Five months in and Y/N is not having such a nice time with the tenant that’s living inside her. She loves the company and wouldn’t exchange it for the whole world, but all the disadvantages are getting more annoying with each passing day. No worries, she’s not tackling it alone. Her amazing boyfriend, soon to be fiancé has her back.

Requested by Anon. Thank you so much for you request! As I mentioned in the reply, this is my first time writing a pregnancy fic so if I got anything incorrectly I sincerely apologize. I did some research but I can’t be sure I got everything right. If there’s something you’re not happy with, feel free to let me know. I’d be more than happy to fix the fic to your liking. Hope you enjoy ❤❤❤

“How are you doing, babe?“ This is his third time checking up on me in the last forty minutes and it’s downright hilarious. Since I can’t drink, for obvious reasons, I shoot my group chat a quick text to take a shot every time Corpse drops by to make sure I haven’t chewed off my own arm in frustration.

I’ve been chilling with a bun in the oven for about five and a half months now and it feels like I’m climbing a mountain that never stops getting steeper. I’ve progressively gotten more passive aggressive and cranky as though I myself am a baby. I think I’d be more aggressive and less passive if I could stand on my two legs without the room spinning right round. If I do manage to stand up, my feet won’t let me remain in that position for too long. I’ve heard foot massages help but to me that sounds like hell - I don’t like massages and especially not foot massages. I’d appreciate it if no hands came in contact with them, thank you.

“Yeah, I’m good. Don’t worry about me, I’m not that helpless.“ I give him a reassuring thumbs up. “Go do something fun, babe. Heck, do it twice - one time on my behalf. I don’t want you stuck with me like this.“

I’ve been trying my hardest to be my regular cheery self around Corpse. He’s been nothing but sweet, supportive and loving since day one and he doesn’t deserve to see me during my low points where my frustration is through the roof. Sure, this was kind of an oopsie for the both of us, but I’ll never forget how happy he was when I told him.

“So, you say it’s mine, huh?“ He jokes like this every now and then, never failing to get a giggle out of me.

“I don’t leave the house, silly! Of course it’s yours.“ Is my usual response. And it’s true. I really don’t leave the house. I didn’t leave it before and I can’t leave it even if I wanted to now. The pregnancy is hitting me hard and I spend almost all my days in bed.

It’s not a pleasing sight and I try to spare Corpse as much as I can. I try not to ask for too much from him, or from anyone really. I know I can do most of the things, if not everything, on my own, so why bother my loved ones to have to deal with my messy self.

“I’m not stuck, Y/N. I want to be here.“ He sits down next to me, “Plus, playing video games without you isn’t fun.“

I automatically cuddle up to him when he gets settled on the bed, resting my head on his chest, “Aw I miss play with you. But right now all of my little bit of energy is concentrated on not falling over whenever I stand up.” I start absentmindedly tracing abstract patterns on his chest, “Who knew that in order to develop a human you lose the ability to function as human yourself? I feel like a whale washed up on land. Big, tired and sad.”

He snorts, restraining his laughter just in case it might piss me off. He’s such a sweetheart, but he should know it would take a lot for him to piss me off. Even in this state. “How can I help? I’d do anything, you just tell me what. Maybe a mass-...” I lift my head to give him the well known finish-that-sentence-I-dare-you glare. “Maybe not...”

Suddenly, I feel pressure on both my temples. It’s not yet pain, but I know it will get there soon. I cringe as I force myself to remove my hand from Corpse’s chest, reaching towards the nightstand where there’s always Advil and at least two small bottles of water. I swallow one pill and chase it with a long gulp of water, making a mental note to take another if the pain doesn’t go away in 30-40 minutes.

“You know how you can help me?“ I say, carefully adjusting my position so the both of us are comfortable, “Distract me. Talk to me. Tell me how you see the future with this misfit that’s already giving me headaches.“

He chuckles, the noise vibrating throughout his chest. I can hear the speed on his heartbeat change - it has quickened. I can only write that off as excitement when he speaks: “I don’t think the headaches will go away. I have a frightening feeling they’re just gonna get worse. A lot more sleeplessness, but a lot less vomiting. A lot more standing up and walking around. A lot more smiles and laughter. More of our friends at out house. Who am I kidding? Rae alone will invade the entire house just to spend time with the baby. You and I be damned.”

I find myself visualizing every detail he describes, all the pictures so vivid and so realistic. A smile spreads on my face as I let myself get transported into Corpse’s version of the future. To be honest, his version is almost the exact same as mine, “If she’s so occupied with the baby, maybe we’ll be able to dip out for a date night every now and then. We may be parents, but we’re not even in our mid-twenties yet.” I sigh, closing my eyes for a second, “I now regret not leaving the house more often while I could, you know?”

“Oddly enough, I do too. I feel like I haven’t taken you on enough proper dates. We didn’t seen enough of the world while we had zero responsibilities, it almost feels like it’s too late now.“

I frown, sitting up to be at eye level with him. I gently rest my hand on his cheek, making sure he doesn’t try to avoid eye contact. “Listen here: Fuck the date nights and fuck the responsibilities. I wouldn’t mind being stuck in a single room if you’re there with me.” I think for a second. Deciding not to make the conversation too serious, I add, “That is if we have food and water. Wouldn’t want you to turn into a cannibal on me.”

He smiles, “I’d never and you know it.” I’m aware his response refers to both halves of my statement, putting my mind at ease.

Having sent my message across and having it well received, I sink back down in my previous position. His hand travels to my hair, his fingers combing through it carefully and sweetly, giving me that feeling of being in a bubble of love and safety. His touch has the ability to calm me down, comfort me, encourage me. He is my guiding light through the fog that represents the confusion from all the pain and exhaustion I’ve been suffering through recently. I know those bad sensations will pass, but the power he has over me is forever.

Him and I are forever. Well, Him and I and a new addition in the next four months.

“I love you so much, Y/N.“ He whispers, cutting through the comfortable silence.

“I love you too, Corpse.“ I whisper back.

“I hope our baby is like you. I hope it’ll be smart like you. Talk like you, act like you, look like you.“ He trails of, his voice wavering.

“I hope it’ll sound like you.“ I say mischievously, hiding my smirk in the fabric of his shirt

He laughs, “Sure, unless it’s a girl.”

“Are you kidding me?“ I giggle, “Especially if it’s a girl.“

His laughter rings in my ears, reminding me there’s always gonna be something to hold onto when you’re in pain. Be it his laughter, his touch, the look in his eyes. I’ll always have him there to relieve my pain. To take my mind off all my troubles. To love me.

And for me to love him right back.

Unconditionally. Completely. Infinitely.

@susceptible-but-siriusexual  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @hacker-ghost  @itsminniekat  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis

[isa-ghost]

How do you hold onto hope that anything will be done with Anti or any of Sean's Egos? I fell out of love for JSE and his content about three years ago due to.. I guess just growing up? But I used to check back in from time to time because he used to promise that "Big Thing's" we're coming for his Egos. (Mind you this was before the pandemic took full effect so there wasn't that as an excuse.) I just recently checked his channel and saw he has taken a step back (Good for him and his mental health if he needs that!) from making content. Did he burn out? Is he ever going to do anything with the Ego's? I don't even know why I care at this point? I guess I just want logical answers and you are the smartest JSE fan I know? Anywho. Sorry for the rant. I'll get out of your asks. 🌶

Oookay unpacking this ask time.

Anon thanks in advance for sending this because as feisty as I felt at first, it helped me get out a lot of things I've wanted to say in this regard for a Long Long Time so, yeah. Thank you.

1. Personally I don't like the term "grew up" in reference to CCs or much of anything tbh, because you're rarely too old to enjoy the things you love. But I get what you mean regardless. Just wanted to plop out my take on that topic in general. Never think you're too old to enjoy something harmless though. :)

2. I've been shaky on hope lately, to be honest. He's not been doing a ton of videos in general lately, minus some strays and the Deltarune Chapter 2 series (I genuinely didnt expect him to play it bc he hadnt played another recently released big game I wanted to see him play but he did, and I'm super grateful bc it was killing me lowkey). Which obviously the decision not to make a ton of content at the moment is okay. He's very burnt out, he's been having severe health issues both physically and on/off mentally. The lack of content and low energy he's had lately is just disheartening if that's the right word idk. BUT!! We DO have a MASSIVE Thankmas stream coming in December to look forward to!

I miss him and some days I get kinda,, idk, bitter? About the radio silence. But unlike a lot of people that have been in and out of the JSE Community between 2018 to now, I respect his health and the fact that he's a whole ass human being and has a life and other things he is more than free to do instead whenever the fuck he wants. TLDR I think have better critical thinking skills than some people on here and Twitter lmao. And the last few years have been shit, both in the world and- at least on here -in the community (dare I mention the t*ablogs). Though lately the community is quiet and very very peaceful and enjoyable again. At least in my corner here.

The thing is, I'm not and was never here ONLY for egos. I love Sean and everything about him to bits. He made one of the worst few years I had in the 2010s infinitely more bearable and gave me an explosive amount of inspiration for creativity that I'd not really experienced before. And friends I'll never let go of.

I miss ego content. I want it to keep going. I'm extremely sad it might not continue. But as an artist, I know why he was promising big things once upon a time. When you're a creator and you have a story like this, you want to flesh it out. The motivation and muse is high. People are excited and you want to deliver. The difference with Sean is that he wanted it to be as high in quality as he could push for after all our excitement and incessant thirst for more. And his plans involved a budget and more than just himself and none of it was his main focus. It was a fun side project.

HOWEVER, big projects like this get interrupted by life, smaller projects, distractions and other things. Sean got SLAMMED by all of the above non-stop these last few years and then hit a bad burnout. I think that through it all, he hit that dreaded wall some artists with big, long term plans like the egos story hit and lost motivation. It got overhyped. Pressure got too crushing. Any plans he made to FINALLY continue the ego storyline got murdered by Covid more than once (which.. personally the term "excuse" sounds kinda shitty in reference to that imo but I digress). Making promises only to have outside variables beyond his control break them was killing him, so he just stopped promising. And people who have no respect or patience got annoying and some got straight up inexcusably vulgar, immature and hateful before dramatically fleeing the community in a tantrum like he'd personally come to their house and betrayed them. It was infuriating to watch go down.

But no matter how much it might hurt or be disappointing to see it die out, I'm here for Sean and his journey no matter where it takes him. I'm not sitting here being a stubborn beacon of anything. And I also recognize and (no matter how reluctantly) respect that we aren't OWED ego content. Never were. It was not an obligation no matter how many promises he made or how much hype he stirred up. And to be fair? We drove the hype a million miles further than he EVER did and we can't blame him for that. I hate the people who do. I'm grateful for the ego content we got and I'll cry if we ever get more. But if it's done, it's done and we just have to accept it. I, as sad as I am to, accept it. And we can always make our own.

And finally- thanks for the compliment. Idk if I'd say I'm the SMARTEST but that means a lot either way. :')

I hope this gave some answers even though it came out more of a vent/rant and PSA??

Obviously any JSE followers and mutuals please feel free to reblog this. But don't start any fights, not that I really expect there to be any?