#as well as well....health kicking my ass and need to recharge.

[cfabyssal]

//I managed to almost get Laha to 70 on all crafting and gathering thanks to @nossumusmanus, @ancalagxn, and another friend. Would have been far long and painful without their help and seriously appreciated what they had done.

[syn4k]

🌿

unfortunately the only way to solve not wanting to create things is to not create things until you want to create things again.

"but Six!" i hear you protest over the angry yells of all my followers. "that can't be true! i hate that!"

i hate it too. But listen up you self loathing chucklefucks this is IMPORTANT.

if your brain and body is telling you that you are tired and that you need to take a break, fucking listen to them. Do not ignore them and continue making things anyways.

I do not give a fuck about your making one thing per day streak. I do not give a fuck about your follower count or engagement or statistics or whatever the fuck. I do not fucking care how stubborn you are. This rule is set in the laws of the universe itself just like the laws of physics are.

If you do not schedule time for yourself to recharge, your body will automatically do it for you and it WILL NOT ASK POLITELY.

that's what burnout and writer's block IS! you cant make shit if you're too fucking tired and depressed and busy trying to function as a person and don't have any energy left over for creative work! creating things takes ENERGY and EFFORT even the most self loathing low quality shitpost stick figure youve ever doodled on the back of an napkin. That takes effort too. This is your body realizing that you're going past your own limits despite everything and forcibly shutting you down so that you physically fucking cannot anymore for your own health.

Full stop.

If you take the time that you need to rest and regain energy and use it instead to continue doing things that require energy, your body will force you to allocate that time to rest at some point eventually.

So yeah. Sleep in hard over the weekends. Do nothing. Be unproductive. Fuck capitalism and FUCK the Protestant work ethic. I am being so fucking serious right now. This isn't just me repeating what I've heard, this is me sharing things that I've had to learn the hard way over the span of literal fucking years because my dumb ass kept ignoring it too.

You are allowed to, and encouraged to, politely turn down outings with friends and family if you're too tired.

You are allowed to, and encouraged to, take a day off from school or work if you wake up and know in your bones that you are too tired. (Make sure to let your teachers know beforehand. They'll understand. Skipping a day of work is a whole nother can of radioactive horses that I don't want to open right now but others here may have advice. Check the notes.)

You are allowed to, and encouraged to, do nothing.

You are allowed to, and encouraged to, be "lazy" (if you're not enjoying the forced time off, you're not being lazy).

If you can only do the bare minimum to take care of yourself (i.e making low-effort meals, only using the bathroom twice a day, etc) then that's okay too. The more you rest, the more energy you'll slowly build up to do more things like going to the grocery store so that you don't starve and getting those assignments done and taking an extra two minutes to make yourself a glass of something warm in the mornings so that you don't want to die quite as much. Also, when you can, ask your friends for a script and call your doctor about prescribing you depression medication because I love you and this is not normal and you deserve better.

Living life is not supposed to make you want to die, and surviving is not the same as living.

your body has a built in hierarchy of needs and at the top of the list is creating things, which you can only do once you're at a certain level of energy and wellness. if something's wrong, your drive to create will be the first to go.

it's scary, but you'll be okay

be gentle and kind to yourself. imagine that your brain and body is a horse: kicking it when it's down and yelling at it to move won't help. you have to meet it where it's at and feed it and comfort it until it's ready to move on again. you can't write trail songs if you've got no path to roam

this quickly spiraled out of my hands but i am very passionate about this subject and also i love u. good luck.

[mainsmaven]

Heavy metal machines ps4 review

It forces the player to reflect on each section to consider whether they should risk clinging to their precious resurrection tokens, or if they should seek the safety of a respawn point. This was a fantastic addition by Steel Mantis. The more daring among you may even choose to forego paying to use a checkpoint, as hanging on to resurrection tokens will increase Therion’s maximum health. On the bright side, there are plenty of checkpoints scattered throughout levels, each of which you can activate for one “resurrection token”. At times, you may even find your downstairs neighbors telling you to quiet down after you cuss the game out (from personal experience). It will challenge every last drop of patience that you have. The culmination of each of Valfaris‘ battle mechanics results in a game whose combat rarely stagnates, especially considering its difficulty. Meanwhile, using the shield at the right time will stop a projectile in its tracks, and a well-timed block can briefly stun larger enemies. Landing melee attacks recharges the power meter, which leads to some really tense moments of nailing perfectly-timed melee attacks to charge up the destroyer weapon. Therion is well equipped with three weapon slots that correspond to different attacks: a weak ranged weapon, a powerful melee attack, and a powerful “destroyer” weapon that chews up Therion’s “power” meter. This polish persists into Valfaris‘ combat, which is pleasantly responsive and deep. Platforming sections will keep you on the edge of your seat – like this one, which has you hang from flying worms while crushing alien skulls. These forced me to restart the entire battle on more than one occasion. While these levels are generally the most rewarding, there were a few specific instances where a boss would launch a Call of Duty: Modern Warfare-esque “martyrdom” attack after death. Even when Steel Mantis decides to reuse a boss later in the game, they keep things interesting by completely transforming the method of defeating them. These battles provide crushingly difficult challenges that punish the player for even the slightest of missteps, à la Dark Souls. Said boss battles are scattered generously along the labyrinthine tunnels of planet Valfaris, and they’re some of the strongest points of the game. Instead, the player must constantly learn to defend against unique attacks, all of which will be used in boss battles. A lack of variety, then, would slow things down quite a bit. This is a good thing, because Valfaris throws a LOT of enemies at the player. Each enemy is hand-animated, and each boasts unique levels of creativity bolstered by distinctive fighting styles. Valfaris will have you dismembering thousands of monsters along your journey, from the weird to the grotesque (and even some that are just grotesquely weird). Unfortunately, this method of storytelling doesn’t allow for much character progression. Meeting a frame rate of 60fps even on my laptop, Valfaris is consistently smooth, responsive, and beautiful – regardless of what machine you play it on.Įach boss battle is preceded with a bit of banter between Therion and his opponent. Valfaris does an excellent job of paying homage to games like Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, Blackthorne, and Contra, all while feeling distinctly modern. That motivation is instead guided by its kick-ass heavy metal soundtrack, hand-animated characters, and 16-bit vaporwave aesthetic. In fact, even upon the game’s completion, we’re met with little more than a bad cliffhanger.īut then again, the story was never really meant to be the main draw of Valfaris. Like the 16-bit era that it takes influence from, Valfaris doesn’t need a gripping narrative to provide the player with motivation to explore. We never really find out what happens to Vroll, or what he did to make Therion hate him. In fact, I’m leaving the game with way more questions than I had coming in. Ultimately, despite the occasional off-handed comment from Therion, the narrative of Valfaris is nothing to write home about. Turns out Therion is Vroll’s son (understandable), and Therion must return to his home to uncover the truth of its doomed fate and challenge the arcane evil at its very heart. The player soon discovers that Valfaris is ruled by Vroll, a tightfisted dictator whose reign has devolved the planet into civil war. Therion is a skull-rocking, head-banging, long-haired, bonafide badass who’s hell-bent on saving his home planet of Valfaris. Valfaris introduces the player to Therion and his AI assistant Hekate. Welcome to Valfaris, home to an ever-growing dark presence which it is up to you to thwart.Ĭan Valfaris live up to its own epic soundtrack, and can it top the precedent set by Slain!? Either way, get ready to rip the galaxy a new wormhole.

[thotsforvillainrights]

(It’s 1 a.m. and I’m shitting out this last draft before I open the box. Maybe tomorrow while asks are stacking I’ll try to update the old AUs or maybe Pivitol or something? SIDENOTE: Ya’ll gotta be tired of this man by now but I can’t help it. He’s on my mind heavy right now)

~Taking Care of a Sick Skeptic~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

-Put your strongest soldier in a room with this man and I guarantee they’re coming out sniffling/crying. It’s a fucking miracle you can handle him when he’s at his worst. This includes right now while he’s sick...

-”FUCKING TAKE IT!!!” You shove the spoon in his direction and he glares at you before jerking his head to the side. “No! Piss off you fucking TROGLODYTE!!!” You gasp at his insult (Please google it lol). “Take it and stop being a child Tomoyasu!” You once again shove the medicine in his face. “NO!” You quickly take the open mouth opportunity to shove the spoon inside. He immediately spits it back out onto you pristine shirt and smirks. “You fucking asshole, fine! Have it your way!” You basically have to wrestle with him to get him to take the medicine. You get it down his throat and roll your eyes as you watch him cough after swallowing. “Ugh it tastes like shit!” He grumbles at you. “Yeah well it’s necessary towards your health. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go change my shirt” You glared at him in annoyance before exiting the room. 

-When you come back into the room he’s up sitting at the desk in the corner and typing furiously on his laptop. “I know you’re not up working right now and you’re supposed to be in bed recharging from the sickness.” You say with disbelief. He slowly turns around in the chair and stares at you. “What does it look like? I’m a board member. I’ve got important stuff to do and they need me. Those incompetent fools would surely screw something to Hell if I don’t hop on this and-HEY!!!” You quickly shut the laptop and snatch it off the table. “Absolutely not. Get your ‘Pepe the King Prawn’ looking ass up and go lay down!” You point at the bed. He growls and abruptly gets up from the desk to reluctantly comply with your request. When you leave and come back, he’s on yet another laptop typing away! You don’t hesitate to snatch this one either. You’ll have to ask where he got it from later. The third time you come back to switch out the water in the humidifier by the bed. At first it looks like he’s just scrolling or playing with something on his phone. When you get a closer look you realize he’s fucking working FROM HIS PHONE! You have to take that too! He wasn’t too pleased with it but he was all out of energy to fight back.

-Finally you return and he’s laying down like he’s supposed to do. He peeks up at you from the gaps in his messy hair and groans. This time not in annoyance but in a weak kind of pain. You sigh and sit on the edge of the bed, stroking his side and staring at him apologetically. The medicine hasn’t fully kicked in yet. You lean close to him and kiss his forehead (despite it being sweaty and gross). Who cares about the risk of getting sick too? You lived with him anyway. If you didn’t take care of his stubborn ass then he’d probably died by now. When you get up and prepare to leave, he reaches a shaky hand out to weakly grip at your outfit. “Wait...please don’t leave me...” You slowly turn to stare at him and smile gently. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it in a million years.”

[lazyvoyager]

school has been kicking my ass so no art, barely any writing, and general feeling kind of shitty because of it, but (at the risk of sounding a bit cheesy) coming back to your blog felt a little like coming home :)) it's comforting!! ❤️ I hope you're doing well!

Oh that is so sweet!🥺💕~ My ass has also been thoroughly kicked by school, so I can totally relate. Hang in there!💪✨ And try not to worry about that art guilt. Focus on school and your mental health👌 Your online presence doesn’t have to be another obligation~ You’re always welcome to come check out my dumb blog if you need a recharge~😆

[curiousdamage]

Drabble Prompt #13

49: “Who Hurt You?”

For @thatsweetbobbyfacetho

Fandom: Karate Kid Becca Verse

Pairing: Terry Silver/ Mikey Sullivan

Warnings:  Use of period relevant homophobic slurs and attitude.  These do not reflect my personal feelings.  ****Violence to a person for being homosexual depicted*****

Summary:  Mikey’s brothers aren’t happy to discover his relationship with Terry.

It was pouring down buckets of ice-cold rain. Suitable for a funeral, especially this one. He was still in a bit of shock. He still couldn't believe she was gone.

For such a tiny woman, his mother had always seemed so strong and indestructible. He looked down the line of his siblings. Nick was there in his uniform, as was Luke. They looked so closed off and cold. Did he use to look like that in his uniform?

Cara was next to their Dad in a plain black dress. She'd been so strong through all of this, taking care of the arrangements, tending to their Dad, keeping things running while waiting for her siblings to fly in from all over the country. She was so much like their mom.

Addy always thought she was, but she wasn’t nearly as strong as Cara or their mom. She was strong, sure, but she was too loud about it. Too look at me, while Cara never called attention to it. She just did what needed to be done, like Mom always had.

Addy and her husband Jack were next to him, both in their uniforms. And there he stood, in a rumpled suit and muddy shoes. He had left in such a hurry; he hadn't really packed well. DD was pressed against his side, looking fabulous as always. She squeezed his hand.

He lifted his head and looked at the gathered crowd. Aunts and Uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, service members. John was standing nearby with both twins wrapped around his waist, hiding their faces in his coat as he held an umbrella over them and one arm around them.  Good on him for showing up. Cara needed some help, even if it was just with their girls.

Next to them was the face he was looking for. Terry was standing with Becca, holding a dark umbrella over them. At some point, he'd wrapped his overcoat around her thin shoulders. It was dragging in the mud, but he knew Terry didn't care. If Princess was happy, he was happy.

He caught his eye and Terry nodded ever so slightly, so slight that no one else would even notice. It was then that the ridiculousness of the situation struck him.  There he was, wrapped in the arms of a very married woman and his family could accept, even encourage that, but he couldn't even acknowledge the man in front of him.

Don't look too long. Shake hands but don't linger. Laugh but don't smile. Never let anyone know. His last conversation with his mother had been her lamenting that it was time for him to settle down and find someone to grow old with. Stop running around chasing models with that silly friend of his.

Terry.

He couldn't tell her that he and Terry had never really been chasing models, they'd just been too stupid to admit they were chasing each other. She would have never understood. He didn't want to think about what the rest of his family would think. They were strictly, traditionally Catholic, sometimes he was pretty sure they would see his very existence a sin.

He knew his brothers. If they knew he was, well, what he was, they'd kill him. It was bad enough to them that Cara had been an unwed mother and was now divorced. Nothing like having a queer for a little brother to complete the set.

Nick was sleeping with his unit's secretary. They had been cuddling in a back room at the wake for God and all to see, especially Nick’s wife. Luke was an alcoholic that put the rest of them to shame. Addy and Jack's oldest was one of those nine-pound preemies, but he and Cara were the bad kids. This was so ridiculous.

He flinched at the sound of Taps. Thank goodness this debacle was almost over. 

Deidre snaked her arm around his shoulders. "I’ve got you," she whispered. He squeezed her hand. He hated this song. He hated it so much. It was so finalizing.  And he couldn’t cry because the Sullivans are good little soldiers and good little soldiers don’t cry.

"Come with Terry and me when we leave. It'll give you a few minutes to relax," she whispered, again. He leaned in and kissed her cheek. Chuckling to himself at the sheer hypocrisy that his brothers and Dad would rather see him kiss a married woman than the man who loved him.

"Thanks, DD. You're an angel, like always," he whispered. And she had been. It had been her idea to have Terry fly up to Stanford to get Becca and fly her out to Virginia. He couldn't be there for Mikey, but no one batted an eye that Becca's godfather had flown her out and back. It was stupid, really. And he was the worst because he was letting them ­get away with it.

------

Deidre was a genius. It was just thirty minutes from Arlington cemetery to his parent’s home, but it was enough. Sitting between the two people he loved most had recharged him. A cup of coffee and a few cigarettes later, and he could deal with his family for the rest of the evening. 

Shake hands. Smile kindly at the words of sympathy. Listen to another old story.  Rinse.  Repeat. If one more person asked him what he’s been doing since he'd left the Army he’d scream. It had been four years.

All too soon, he saw Terry tap Becca on the shoulder and whisper something in her ear.  He guessed it was time for them to go. Becca was in the middle of finals and had to be back the next morning to finish them.  If it hadn’t been for Terry flying her down in his plane, she wouldn’t have gotten to come.  Commercial flights put her either missing the funeral or her last two finals.

“Want to grab a smoke before you go?” he asked, walking over to him.  

“Sure thing,” he said, flashing that smile that still had the power to make Mikey senseless.

“Come on.”  He led him outside to a small garden.  Once they were far enough from the house, both to smoke and to not be overheard, he stopped.

“Thank you for coming,” he said, taking out a cigarette, just to have something to do with hands that wanted to reach out for the other man.

“What else was I going to do?”  

Mikey shrugged, letting his head fall back against the garden fence.  

“You look tired.  Why don’t you come home with DD and I now?” he asked.

“I’m okay. I got a flight out tomorrow.  I figure I’ll stay tonight.  Help Cara clean up after everyone leaves.  John’s taking the twins with him, so I don’t want her to be alone,” he said.  “She might need some help with Dad. It’s been stressful on him.”

“How’s he doing?”  

The General had a heart attack a few years before that had left him with declining health.  He still got around on his own, but Cara came over at least once a week to make sure he was taking his medications and everything was well.

“He’s just tired.  He never expected to outlive Mom.  I don’t think he’d even considered the possibility.  Hell, knowing him, he’d ordered her to outlive him,” he laughed, lightly.

“Let me pick you up tomorrow.”

“Nah,” he shook his head.  “It’ll be late. I’ll probably just go home and crash.”

“Well, if you’re sure?”

The two men turned to face each other.

“Yeah, it’s just a few more hours of family togetherness, then we can go back to ignoring each other,” he smiled.

“Power through,” Terry laughed.

“Yeah.”  With his cigarette gone, he reached out to touch Terry, straightening his tie, his hands lingering as they slid down his chest.  “There.  Now Margaret won’t harass you about looking disheveled.”

“Me? You look like you slept in that suit.”

“You’re not supposed to do that?” he teased.  

“There are better ways to sleep,” Terry shot back, smiling that smile again.

He laughed, his eyes sweeping over his boyfriend’s frame. “You’d know all about that.  I’ll see you on Wednesday?”

“For sure.”  With one last look at Mikey, Terry walked back towards the house. Mikey waited a moment or two before following him.

A figure stepped out of the shadows, having gone out to smoke a few minutes before Terry and Mikey.

“Fucking disgusting,” Jack muttered to himself, shaking his head.  “I always knew Mikey was a fucking fag.”               

————

Nick was in the front yard, speaking to everyone as they left.  He was the oldest.  It made sense for him to speak for the family.  

He saw Becca and her godfather, Terry, he thought his name was.  He’d seen him a few times through the years at Becca’s events, and Mikey’s girlfriend leaving. He didn’t care what those two said, they were definitely a couple. 

He walked over to greet them.

"Are you sure you can't stay and visit with Grandpa longer?" he asked her. "I know he'd love to spend some more time with you. He tells everyone about his granddaughter at Stanford. I don't think he'd be prouder if you had gotten into West Point."

"Well, I don't know about that," she smiled. "He's still pulling for one of us to play in the Army-Navy game."

Nick laughed at that. "Honey, those Navy boys wouldn't stand a chance against you." He hugged her before turning to Terry, "Thank you for getting her out here. It was bothering the old man that she wasn't going to be here."

“No problem. I'm happy I could help her,” he replied, shaking Nick's outstretched hand before leading Becca to a waiting car.

“Why are you thanking that queer for shit?" Jack asked as he and Luke joined Nick.

"What are you talking about?" Nick asked. "Silver ain't a queer. He was a Cobra Kai Green Beret."

“I don't give a rat's ass what he was. I'm telling you what he is. He's a fucking homo and he's fucking your brother," Jack snapped.

"You better watch your filthy mouth," Nick warned. "This is my mother's funeral. I don't want to have to kick your ass now."

"I saw them together," he insisted, "They were out back, and they weren't acting like no Army buddies I have."

Nick looked around and grabbed both men by the upper arms and dragged them into the garage. Making sure all the doors were shut, he turned back to his brother-in-law.

“Now, you want to make this claim, you'd better tell us exactly what you saw.”

"They were in the backyard, smoking and talking about seeing each other later," he said. "Then Mikey fixed Silver's tie and was running his hands all over him." Seeing his brothers-in-law weren't convinced he continued, "Look it's not just what they were doing, it was how they were doing it, how they were looking at each other. I mean, trust me. Something's going on with them." 

They were quiet for a while before Luke spoke.

"Nick, you know we've always kind of known he was a little light in the loafers with girls. I mean look how long he’s known Deidre and they’ve never…," he shrugged helplessly.

"Yeah. I guess you're right," he conceded. "But not being serious with girls doesn't mean he's screwing some guy. You're going to have to show me more proof before we do anything else."

“I'll get your proof" Jack promised.

"What about John?" Luke asked, "Should we let him in on this? He knows the guy better than anyone."

"No. This is a family matter and he ain’t family anymore," Nick said. “No one tells him anything. Whatever this guy may or may not be now, he was a Cobra Kai and John takes that shit seriously."

Three weeks later, Nick had his proof.

------

Mikey was getting ready to leave his condo. He had two lessons this morning, then he had volunteered for the air ambulance that afternoon. and he was meeting DD, Peter, and Michaela for lunch in between and

Terry for dinner. He had just thrown the last of his things in his flight bag and was looking for his shades when he heard someone knocking on his door.

He was cautious when he saw his brothers and Jack on the other side, but he managed to hide it.

“Hey, guys. What are you doing here?” He stepped back to let them in.

“We need to talk,” Nick said.

“Why? What’s wrong? Is it Dad?” he asked, concerned.

“No, it’s not Dad.  Dad is fine,” Luke said.  He rubbed his neck.  This wasn’t really his scene.  Nick was supposed to do most of the talking.

“We know about what you’re doing,” Nick said.  “We know all about you and Silver.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Come on, Mickey,” Nick pleaded.  “We have proof.  Don’t make us do this to you.”

“Proof of what?” Mikey’s blood ran cold.  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Proof that you’re a fucking faggot,” Jack snapped, slapping an envelope against his chest.  “That’s what the fuck we’re talking about, Asshole.”

He opened it and glanced at the photographs inside, feeling sick.

“You had me followed? Why would you do that?” He was confused and hurt.

“Because, after the funeral, we had to know,” Luke answered. “We had to know if our baby brother is a goddamned cocksucker!  I can’t…, I can’t even look at you now.”

Mikey looked from one man to the other to the other.  His brothers. His blood.  He took an almost involuntary step back.

“Get the fuck out of my house!”

“Be reasonable, Mike,” Nick said, putting a hand on his shoulder.  “You know you have to stop this.  It’ll kill Dad if he finds out.  You don’t want to hurt Dad, do you?”

“I said for you to get the fuck out of my house,” he snarled, slapping Nick’s hand away. “My personal business is mine.  Leave!”

“I told you all the faggot wasn’t going to be reasonable,” Jack scoffed.  

He took a step forward. Mikey swung at him instinctively. His fist connected with Jack’s chin, knocking him back a few steps, but Luke caught him pinning his arms behind him as Nick punched him in the stomach. Mikey fought them off as long as he could, but he fought fair and three on one was never meant to be a fair fight. Too soon he was on the floor while they took turns hitting, kicking, and punching him.

“Okay! Okay!" Nick shouted, stopping the other two. "He's had enough, we don't want to kill him. He’s still our brother and he’s had enough."

Before leaving Nick knelt down beside him. "Mikey, Buddy?" His voice was soft, the way it had been when they were kids. "You know we did this

for your own good, right?" He brushed the hair back from Mikey’s face tenderly. "Break things off with Silver and come home to Virginia, okay? We're you're family. We love you, Silver doesn't. He's just using you until the next woman comes along. Think about it, okay?" He leaned down and kissed his temple. Mikey thought he was going to be sick.

After they left, he tried to get up. On the third attempt, he decided the floor was just fine. He laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling. All those years, all the forfeited happiness, so careful, so cautious, and it was his own brothers. His own damn brothers.

-----

Five hours later, Mikey was late for lunch. Once DD had called the airfield and found out that Mikey had never come in, she rushed to his condo.

After getting no response to repeatedly banging on the door, she used her key to let herself in.

"Mikey, rise and shine, Babe," she called, heading towards the bedroom.

Peter caught her arm and stopped her. He motioned to Mikey's feet visible on the other side of the sofa.

"Michaela, get out of here," he demanded. "Wait for us in the hall,"

"But Daddy…,”

“Now, Honey," he answered. "Mom and I will take care of Uncle Mikey, but you need to wait outside."

“Yes, sir."

"Mikey?!" DD knelt beside him. "Mikey, honey?  Oh, God.  What happened?"

Peter knelt beside him and felt for a pulse.

"Is he?" she asked.

"He has a pulse. It's weak, but it’s there," he replied. “I'm going to call for an ambulance. You keep trying to wake him."

"Mikey! Mikey, sweetheart, you're going to be fine," she cried. "Wake up, Darling. Please wake up."

It seemed to take too long for the paramedics to get them to DD. She'd sat on the floor, holding his hand, alternately telling him it was going to be okay and begging him to wake up. It wasn't until he had been loaded into an ambulance that she remembered.

"Terry! I have to call Terry. He,…, Oh God."

Peter put a hand over hers on the phone on the counter. "DD, I hate to even ask this, but is it possible that Terry did this? I mean, it’s obvious that he let his attacker in. Maybe Terry is the last person

who needs to be with him now."

Deidre considered this. "Could he? From what I've been told, absolutely. Would he? Never. But God help the fool who did."

-----

Mikey was awake by the time Terry made it to the hospital. His fist clenched in rage at the sight of his lover's beaten and bruised body and face. He swallowed his anger and forced himself to walk over to the bed softly.

"Mickey? What happened? Who hurt you?" He reached out and touched his cheek.

Mikey flinched and pulled away from his touch.

"Don't you touch me," he snapped. When he looked up, Terry could see it. The man he'd known even just this morning was gone, locked again behind that wall of pain and shame and fear that he’d spent the last sixteen years taking down one brick at a time.

Buttoned and buckled up. Untouchable. Unreachable.

The man who had loved him through the lowest point in his life, who had

helped him let go of the guilt of simply surviving, who had never given up on him no matter how much of a bastard he'd become, was gone, leaving Daddy's perfect little soldier in his place again.

"Don't do this, Mikey," he pleaded. "Don't go back there."

"Do you think I ever really left?" He questioned, before his anger at the situation boiled over.  "God!  You are such an overgrown child! Did you really think we could ever be anything? I had it right and I should have never let you in, to begin with. It's over, Terry. I don't want you anymore. Please leave."

"Mickey, please! Mickey, don't, please don't do this,” Terry whispered, not trusting himself not to shout.

"Go! Get out!"

"I'll go," Terry said, quietly. "I'll leave. Just tell me who did this? Who hurt you?"

Mikey shook his head and looked away. "Goodbye, Terry."

"Yeah, yeah, okay," he muttered. "Goodbye, Mikey."

He turned and left the room.

DD looked up when he came back to the waiting room.

"Terry? What is it? Why are you out here?"

"Everything is fine, or as fine as it can be. He just doesn��t want me here," he answered.

“Oh, Terry," She put her hand on his arm. “You know it’s just because he's hurting and scared. Give him time to process it all.”

"Yeah, I know."

"What are you going to do now?" she asked.

"I'm going to find who did this and make them pay."

The look in his eyes worried her. She wasn't sure if she should hand over the envelope, finally deciding that withholding it would only delay him getting the information he wanted. Not stop him.

"Here. I found this at his place. I took it because I knew he wouldn't want anyone else seeing it, but I think you need to."

He thumbed through the photos, coming to a slip of paper at the end.

"Here's the information you wanted, Sarge. I'm sorry it wasn't better news."

His jaw clenched. He should have known Mikey's family was behind this. He nodded and stuck the envelope in his pocket, "Take care of him, DD. You're probably the only person that he'll ever let near him again."

------

Seven hours later, Terry was in Virginia.

It took three days for him to track them down when they were alone.  He caught them outside of a bar.

“What do you want, Faggot?” Jack swore when Terry stepped out of his car.

“Shut the fuck up!” Terry grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pulling him to him, then throwing him against a nearby car with a sickening thud.  “You all don’t talk.  You listen and maybe you’ll live.  Mikey could have killed you.  He didn’t have to take that beating you gave him, but he loves you too much to hurt you.  To hurt your wives and your children.  You should thank whatever gods you pray to that I wasn’t there.  I don’t give two fucks for any one of you.  You all think you’re big men?  You’re nothing.  You’re pussies.  Fucking little maggots.  If you ever so much as look sideways at Mikey again, I’ll ruin your shitty little lives.  I’ll bring ever skeleton you’ve ever buried out to play and dance with them in front of your father, wives, children, God, and the whole damned world.  Mikey will look like a damn Saint when I’m finished with you all.  And if you ever even think of putting your goddamn hands on him again, I’ll kill you all with my bare hands.  Do not fuck with me.  You won’t win.”

----

John had just dropped off the twins and was having a smoke on the Sullivans’ porch with Cara when they got back to their father’s home.

Seeing them coming up the walk, Cara patted his leg and kissed him on the cheek before going to check on her father.

“So you all are the ones who put Mike in the hospital,” John said, taking a drag from his cigar and exhaling slowly.  “That tracks.”

“Mind your own damn business, John,” Nick warned.  “This is family business and you aren’t family even if you do manage to talk your way back into Cara’s bed.”

“Maybe not,” John conceded.  He held up his cigar, studying it for a minute.  “You know, in all the years I was in the Army and teaching karate, there were only three men that I was ever scared about what they could do with the skills I was teaching them if pushed far enough.  One is in Leavenworth for murdering a fellow soldier.  The second one is in Lompoc for beating a guy into a coma for screwing his girlfriend.”  He stopped and took another drag from his cigar, blowing the smoke towards them.  “And you all just made an enemy of the third.  Whatever it was that he told you, it wasn’t a threat.  It was a promise.”  He stood up and pushed past them, turning back at the steps and smiling in that way he had that looked like an animal baring its teeth before an attack.  “Have fun with that. Goodnight, Gentlemen.” He made a mock salute before leaving.

[changseobbing-blog]

Untitled: Bff-L

Exo Fanfic

Baekhyun x Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Angst/Fluff

Warnings: Mentions of depression, low mood.

Curled up in a blanket is your safe haven. 

You don’t feel like venturing out into the real world today, not when you’ve felt close to tears for the last week. Nothing is wrong in particular but when you’re suffering from depression it’s never that clear-cut. Generally, you have good days and you’ve fought hard to reach a place where you can live mostly happy.

You’ve been through the therapies and tested medications until you found what works for you. You’re mostly able to focus on all the good things you have to appreciate in life.

Today isn’t one of those days. Today you feel like it would be better if you never existed. Being awake and present is exhausting. You make an instant decision and reach for your phone to cancel the plans you had for the day. You were going to let yourself rest, sleep and hope tomorrow will feel a little better.

You know from many years of trial and error that it’s ok to feel sad and take a day for yourself. Sometimes forcing interaction isn’t always the best thing for you in your personal war with mental health.

Losing one day of the battle won’t affect the long-term outcome. You need to recharge to pick yourself up and enjoy things again and eventually you’ll get there.

You plan to only leave your bed to use the bathroom and get water. Your favourite duck feather duvet hugging your body and providing comfort as you drift in and out of consciousness watching funny dog compilations on youtube to distract your mind. You keep your phone on silent to prevent yourself from overthinking since you hate bothering your friends all the time.

They love you and would do anything for you but you don’t want to seem needy or annoying, they all have busy lives and their own problems and you don’t want to burden them despite what they say. You don’t want anyone to feel the way you do…

A knock on the door startles you awake. You weren’t expecting any company. So you pause your laptop and stay silent. Hopefully, they’ll go away. You daren’t look at your phone because you don’t have the energy to explain yourself further, you just want to be alone.

The knocking stops and you relax momentarily. Then you pull the blankets over your head and groan when you hear keys jingle in the lock and someone steps in loudly calling out your name.

You should have never given him a key.

Byun Baekhyun, your best friend of 10 years and also a giant pain in the ass who doesn’t seem to have understood you cancelling the plans you had with him and your other friends.

Maybe if you hide under your duvet he’ll think no ones home and go away, but you soon find out that doesn’t work when you hear the creak of your bedroom door and he immediately snorts.

“Y/N, you aren’t being subtle...I can see your foot”.

You huff and yank your traitorous foot under the covers as you feel his body weight sink into the edge of your bed.

“Didn’t you read my text?” you mumble meekly from under the blankets.

You feel him pull the covers down enough to reveal your eyes. You stare up and your best friend tiredly as he takes in your appearance. You know your hair must be everywhere and there are bags under your eyes. You probably looked how you felt and you realise he’s figured you out when he cocks his head and frowns slightly.

“Didn’t you read the seven replies I sent you back?” he counters, eyebrow raised but eyes soft.

You shake your head in response and look away, his concern making you feel self-conscious. You don’t even know why you feel like this, Baekhyun is one of your biggest supports. He’s seen you at your worst, never judged and accepted every part of you without question.

You’d met back in high school and had instantly clicked. He was your complete opposite. Loud and friendly, dragging you along with him as he created chaos and mischief. He was actually one of the first people to notice you weren’t being yourself. You had suddenly isolated almost everyone and taken a break from college due to stress.

He was away at a different college but when he visited you for the holidays after you’d been ignoring his texts he’d seen right through the mask and facade you were trying to hold together. He had stayed up with you all night as you cried and accepted that this was something you had to get help for.

He was there when you admitted to your parents how badly you were coping and did his best to support you and help explain to them as they struggled to understand. They still don’t fully understand but at least they’re trying.

Baekhyun on the other hand dove right into the deep end, he read books and looked up articles on how to support someone struggling with depression. He never pushed you into anything you were uncomfortable with but never let you slip back to the darkness alone.

Thanks to him and your small group of close friends you managed to pick yourself up, graduate college and find a job that you enjoy. They’re there when you want to socialise and give you space when you don’t, always offering a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.

You are brought back to the present, realising you’d spaced out when a hand reaches out to tuck some hair behind your ear, Baekhyun starts to brush your hair soothingly with his fingertips.

“It’s ok, you don't have to leave your bed. I just figured you’d want some company and a Planet Earth marathon, maybe some pizza?”.

You space out again under the comfort of his touch but as your brain slowly processes his offer you feel your eyes well up, suddenly overcome because you for a moment didn’t feel like anyone cared. You don’t know what to do with your feelings so you just sniff and nod.

A warm roughness swipes over your cheek to wipe away a stray tear and you realise its Baekhyun’s thumb. He moves and crouches down next to the bed to meet your eye level, he smiles at your warmly then taps his chin in thought.

“Do you want me to invite anyone else? I could kick always Jongdae’s butt at Mario Kart and make him throw a tantrum for your viewing pleasure” he offers playfully causing you to break your first smile of the day.

“No, I think your annoying ass is plenty of company for a day if you’re insisting on staying” you sigh.

Secretly you’re glad he’s here to keep you out of your head. It’s never exhausting being around Baekhyun, everyone thinks your crazy for how long you’ve been friends and have put up with him. I mean, they’re right and you are crazy, but Baekhyun always says he’d rather drive you crazy then let you feel like you’re going crazy.

“I guess I should get up and properly dressed so we can go buy some snacks?” you whine, gesturing to your teenage mutant ninja turtle pyjamas and stretching your arms to mentally prepare for leaving your bed, but your best friend shakes his head and drops a paper bag in your lap. Your favourite snacks spilling out the bag.

You cuddle a bag of Popchips and start to tear up again but Baekhyun waggles his finger at you.

“Why are you so surprised that I’m here with the snackage, we both know I’m the best and also the smartest, and most handsome and talented…”

Your face creases up in confusion as you watch him start to ramble off in his own self-praise but decide to let it go today. You’ll roast him another day, right now you remember that you’re hungry and remember the existence pizza.

“So extra large cheese with all the toppings” you interject, pulling out your phone from under your pillow to access the pizza delivery app. Baekhyun plops himself next to you on the bed, sitting above the covers and grabbing a spare throw from the ottoman to cover his legs.

You work in unison as he sets up the tv and you finish ordering the pizza. You realise you’re already feeling better, the distraction from someone who understands and cares about you already starting the clear the fog of your mind and as you settle into your pillows and David Attenborough's soothing voice starts to fill the room you feel calmer.

You feel safe and validated and when he asks if you want to talk you open up to him about your thoughts and feelings, he listens patiently and never interrupts. He offers you comfort and assures you things will get better with time as he wraps his arm around your shoulder and rests his chin on the top of your head.

You stay that way for the rest of the evening, even after the pizza is devoured. The warmth and the familiar smell of Baekhyun’s aftershave keeping you grounded and you look up at him appreciatively for a little while. His mouth hanging open, round wire-rim glasses sitting at the end of his nose as he slouches against your headboard engrossed in the show. Floppy honey coloured hair sitting in every direction from what you assume was the wind outside.

When he looks down at you with warm eyes and soft smile, you already know tomorrow will be better.

[chillydayzgaming-blog]

Borderlands

Ever wanted a million guns? How about 17.75 million guns ripe for the taking? Guns that'll melt your enemy's faces off, burn them alive, make them scream for their mothers as they experience more than 1.21 gigawatts of electricity coursing through their veins? Then Gearbox Software has a game for you. Released in 2009, Borderlands is a loot based FPS with RPG style skill perks and classes. Four characters to choose from: Sarcastic marksman Mordecai, over enthusiastic brick shithouse named appropriately enough Brick, femme fatale reality shifting Siren named Lilith and finally the impromptu leader of the bunch Roland. He's the big black guy with a turret. Between it's respawning enemies who exist to drop loot and it's wonderful space western setting Borderlands became a cult classic that enjoyed more fanfare over time, gaining traction as an alternative to standard shooters of the time. The first time I recall hearing about the game was from an article talking about Ice T playing it himself. A glowing recommendation from him and it being cheap used at GameStop ensured that I would pick it up. Showing it off to my friends we soon began to play it together, eventually I picked up the GoTY edition, getting all the DLCs that I hadn't yet grabbed anyway, but by that time I was in my third play through of the game. The game working off of a cyclical new game plus mode allows for the player to replay it over again if they wish, with additional difficulty added to the game. To offset that the loot gets better too, so yay, more farming. My fondest memories of Borderlands was starting up the game, putting on some Cage the Elephant and just going to town on the final difficulty. The first area, the Arid Badlands, is a blast. Classic space western fare: Hostile bandits, crazy alien animals to shoot and plenty of loot chests to open up. Learning about all the hidden boxes, running a circuit of slaughter and chilling out to a great band is phenomenal fun. Strongly suggest it as a cathartic method to relax. Surprisingly enough I actually enjoyed classic Borderlands' bare bones story. That doesn't mean it was fantastic, it was cut down from the early ideas for the final release. Essentially the story boils down to there being a vault full of loot, you know, the stuff you've been collecting all the while? But that in a way is a wonderful subversion of what we expect. We expect the McGuffin of the story to bring us what we want, when at it's heart it is meant to only play the role of a desired thing. Be it a princess in yet another fucking castle, big black books filled with Eldritch knowledge or in Borderlands case a vault full of loot. But, spoiler alert, it isn't. It's full of tentacle monster guy. You've seen enough hentai to know where this is going. So you trampled across the East coast of a forsaken continent on a largely abandoned planet just to have to fight a roughly four story interdimensional monster hell-bent on diddling you with his tentacles. Bet you feel used huh? But, really, didn't you have fun along the way? The NPCs are pretty entertaining without being overbearing, dry wit in ample supply in addition to the clear cut quests. I feel as though the vault's true purpose was to show us what we want more than anything in the game, and that's more challenges to overcome. We the players would find it boring if the PCs ended the game with an unending pile of loot, we want to keep up the lootfest ourselves. So after you beat the end boss, who was admittedly pretty easy, you get the opportunity to begin again, but stronger this time. There's a bit of side mentions of cyclical time to help handwave this, which I appreciate, separates it from most other games in that regard. At it's heart the game did have issues with it's writing however. While I did enjoy the more serious tone of the game the slight lean towards humor was very fitting for it, dark humor injected here and there helps to keep it from being too dry. But it felt like a tipsy guy trying to keep his composure, giggling to himself one minute and standing stone faced the next. This was later "fixed" via the DLCs and sequels, going from leaning towards humor to diving headfirst into it. But that left the first game in an awkward position, it's pretty light story doesn't nearly compare to later games in the series. However what was in the game was fairly well done, I'm judging it by it's initial release, not taking the DLCs into account. The main character's lacked good insights into them as people, perhaps to help us associate with them better, but when it comes to a story I want to know how a character reacts, feels about their world. For what it is I have to give the game a 15/20 in the story/concept category. Excellent loot based FPS, subpar story but cool world. Borderlands thrives on it's FPS mechanics. Wonderful gunplay, metric fucktons of guns to utilize and useful character perks to utilize. Want to turn a hawk into an AC-130? You can do that. Shift through reality while running like Speedy Gonzales? Yeah, kinda. Punch shit like, really really hard? Brick shithouse at your service. Ammo spewing, ally healing and bone hurting bullet shooting turret? You'll be making people go owie pretty fast. Along the way you'll gain a bunch of passive and activated abilities too, which are a staple of any perk based game nowadays. Come to think of it Skyrim has perk trees that kinda remind me of Borderlands, would be interesting if it was partially inspired to do so by the surprise hit. Anyway, gotta give the game.e a high five for it's system, it works fantastically. As it's a loot based FPS, you have a backpack that slowly gets upgraded over time. Which is great because after a certain point you end up drowning in grenade mods, shields and weapons after wading through a dungeon. Ooh, speaking of I should expand those things. First off we have those lovely modifiers for your grenades, teleporting, sticky, you name it. Hell, the healing ones are my favorite, a plethora of devastating health sucking good vibes at your fingertips. Your shields are like a secondary health bar that refill over time on their own, plus cool side effects to give you little bonuses. Stuff like resistance to elemental attacks, faster recharging or beyond average shield count. Borderlands' dungeons are some of the most fun I've had in a while. Not too big, ripe with hostiles and loot, perfect for an hour of stomping through with friends. Of course where Borderlands truly shines is in it's open air bandit camps. As I said before I adore the starting area, the Arid Badlands, it's handful of Skag dens and Bandit camps are some of the best fun I've ever had grinding. To me it's not even grinding, it's cathartic ass kicking. Anyway, you get a lot if dusty places to kill stuff in, plus some mountainous places later on. Overall it's world design is quite beautiful, can't really fault it beyond any spots you can get stuck in. Overall it's gameplay and mechanics earn it a solid 20/20, the little things like weapon skill building over time, class variation and just simple dumb fun in it's dungeon diving makes it a near perfect game to pop in and just tear shit up with your friends. Onto Graphics and art style. Borderlands utilizes a cell shaded design that's iconic and quite easy to recognize. Rocks pop out at you, enemies stand out amongst the backdrop and the equipment is well understood from afar. Just enough detail without it being too attention grabbing. Character designs are a bit exaggerated, but that's to be expected really. I can't fault the game for having generic visuals in terms of NPCs and the world, at the same time it also benefits from my soft spot for space westerns. So unlike a lot of shooters it gets a nice noon in the form of it's iconic style, which really helped to set it apart. Ironically it was to be more realistic, but midway through production they changed that. For the better I say. The graphics, for it's time, were/are wonderful. I say are because, well, they still look pretty good. Might not stand up to say... the sequels, but that's just due to higher resolution over time. All in all I believe it has solid graphical quality, no faults to be seen from my 100+ hours of gameplay. So to grade it on it's visuals I'd give it a 20/20, started a series strong with it's unique design, strong visuals and charming atmosphere. Space Western game's gotta have a twangy soundtrack yeah? This one does, plus some haunting tunes as well. While the gun sounds are a bit soft for me the music, both the OST and the choices for opening and ending tracks, are are superb. Opening up with Ain't No Rest For the Wicked by Cage the elephant (my favorite band) and ending with No Heaven by DJ Champion the game uses it's music to help set the mood. You aren't good guys, you are shades of anti-heroes that are on the planet of Pandora to kick ass and get loot. The reasons vary but in general you're gonna spend most of your time shooting native wildlife and locals in the face. A lot. Not much else to comment on, 15/20 in that regard. Just needs stronger sound effects. Plus more PC interaction, but that's more writing than anything else. Enjoy shooting shit? Looting shit? Then Borderlands is the game for you. Easily 30+ hours of shooting and looting, multiple playthroughs and a never-ending stream of baddies to torment even if you do "beat" the game. Not that you ever really do beat it, it's one of those games that you can keep playing forever really. And you know what? I really enjoy that. I see replayability being from two things: wanting to experience the game more/again or seeing how you can do things differently. Myself, I change very little across playthroughs, but I LOVE to feel those events again. If not for the story than for the sheer... wonder or excitement of the events. The first few nights in Minecraft, the end of a dungeon in Skyrim that deposits you at a vista and in this case just the thrill of stomping through dungeons that I've cleared dozens of times before. I can honestly play the same zone in this game for hours. For that reason I have to award it a 20/20 for longevity, just slip the disc in and keep enjoying the gift that keeps on giving. There is very little that I would change about the game, it's a bloody masterpiece as is really. But as I've said before it's lacking in the story department. Having the characters have more shit to say, either due to quests or at each other as they're out and about. Better sense of group cohesion is what I want, to feel that these guys are a group of fire forged friends out looting the countryside together. Plus expand in their back stories, have audio logs like future games had to help explain them a bit more, perhaps a personal quest or two. Hell, have their personalities and backgrounds come out via their dialogue with each other and NPCs, just enough to help us get them better without it being too distracting. Metal Gear Solid V: the Phantom Pain did this quite well, since Snake was meant to be more of a silent protagonist he had more personification via cassette tapes. Perhaps expand on the PCs via that sorta mechanic? Oh, and better SFX, guns and such. Just make it more visceral sounding, that feeling you get when you pop a bandit's head with a satisfying headshot... Enhanced with proper bullet sounds. This game helped bring back loot based games. Be they FPS, dungeon crawlers or whatever, it helped show that a non mainstream game could as much ass or even more ass as the same major releases of that year. It's art style, iconic. The atmosphere and tone, simply a pure mixture of light-hearted romp with violent lootfest. Gunplay that is up there with some of the best shooters. Very few things to complain about, it's a game you and your buddies should buy used and just pop it in to play all weekend. Gold star game overall, 90/100. Very few can match it in sheer fun, that's without taking DLCs into account.

[ambitiouslyamanda-blog]

TEN THINGS I LEARNED IN MY FIRST YEAR OF UNIVERSITY — 05.07.17

First year of university was…wild, to say the least. If you’re reading this, you’re probably a senior in high school struggling to grasp an expectation on what post-secondary will be like, shaking in your scared, bewildered little boots. Have no fear; I am about to disclose to you everything you need to know about your first year of university, from the workload to parties to relationships and beyond. If you’d like to know the ten important lessons I learned in my first year of university, read on!

1. Being away from home for the first time is simultaneously awesome and awful.

If you’re moving into a dorm first year like I did, or are simply moving out into an apartment to go to school, be wary that being away from home has its up’s and it’s downs. While the positives include no rules, curfews, or groundings; going wherever you want, whenever you want; and basically, taking your new city by storm with only you in charge, going away from home for your first time also introduces many new responsibilities you haven’t encountered yet, like paying bills, cooking your own meals, and for some, doing your own laundry. First year, I loved my newfound freedom, but learned rather quickly that it’s necessary balance it with grace and care, making sure the most important things like schoolwork and bills were taken care of before I went out to the bar that night.

2. If you’re moving away to university, you will miss your family and shitty small town.

Homesickness is something that happens to everyone who goes to post-secondary, and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. Even I thought I wouldn’t miss the minuscule small town I previously lived in for 6 years and would be perfectly fine without my parents, and I ended up taking the train home the first weekend because I missed them so bad! Truth is, you will miss your parents, siblings, friends, and extended family a lot, especially if you’re travelling too far to visit on weekends and study breaks, so make sure to keep in touch by calling an texting them. Your mom may be hundreds of kilometers across the province, but her sweet, soothing voice is just a ten-digit phone number away.

3. Making friends is much easier than you expect it to be.

When I went away to university, I only knew two people; my roommate, who was my stage manager/good friend in high school, and another girl I went to secondary school with. Safe to say, I was terrified of not being able to make friends due to my obnoxious nature and that I would spend my first year cooped up in my dorm, lonely and bitter. Luckily, this didn’t happen; in fact, I made friends my first day of being at university. I lived on residence, which was the greatest aid to meeting and connecting with people; and to be honest, my residence floor felt like a family to me, and I miss them all tons! I got to meet loads of people during frosh week by doing events and just mingling through my res building, and my academic orientation was also a tremendous help in connecting with people in my program. I know some frosh events and orientations are absolutely abysmal and super lame, but many of the people I was grouped with or had spoken to during these events are still in my life today, either as acquaintances or best friends.

I also want to emphasize that even if you don’t live on res, you can absolutely make friends through your program, campus groups and events, at the gym, or even through study groups. Just do the things you like to do, and you will find someone to connect with.

4. Frat parties are overrated (but good places for booze!)

I’m going to say it – frat parties are kind of  lame and you should not feel obligated to go, even if  all your friends are attending. My rule of thumb is if you have to pay to get into a party, it’s probably not going to be very fun (though there will be ‘free’ booze, so it’s really a balancing act of the pros and cons). Drunk people are obnoxious and impulsive, so visiting parties or going out to crowded bars can easily place you in uncomfortable situations. Be wary of where you’re going, don’t put your drink down out of sight, and always go with another person.

Oh, and please, do not chug your alcohol. You will fucking die if you do.

5. Your schoolwork comes first, and said schoolwork will kick your ass.

University is a social butterfly’s dream, but remember why you’re there to begin with. You need to get your degree, and to do that, you must pass your courses, which requires attending classes and studying your ass off. The jump in workload from high school to university is huge, and preparing yourself for it is important. First year is often considered among upper years to be the easiest out of your four year degree, so take this time to get the best grades you can to improve your GPA in case you bomb a class later in your university career. Studying and finishing up work takes a lot of time, so make sure you plan ahead so you don’t fall behind. If you are overwhelmed with your projects and exams, it’s important to take a step back, breathe, and ask for help if you’re really struggling. Remember – you can retake a class if need be.

6. Professors can either be your best allies or your greatest enemies.

Your teachers in high school probably told you, “your professors aren’t going to baby you like this in university!”, and they’re right. Your professors aren’t going to nag you to hand in your assignments or attend class; they get paid whether you do or you don’t. But most professors do care; and some will undeniably help you get a better grade in their class. Using office hours was something I wish I did more during first year because I absolutely could have used some help when writing essays or studying for exams. A professor is often more than happy to help you improve or send you in the right direction, so don’t be afraid to email them or speak to them after class to schedule an appointment. However, some professors — often the one’s who have to teach hundreds of kids per class — won’t be as helpful. In fact, they can be the least helpful people around, whether it’s treating you like an idiot or being as vague as humanly possible. Feel free to contact TA’s instead of your moody prof for better clarifications.

7. You probably shouldn’t be working a part time job during first year.

Unless you need to do so to pay your bills, I don’t recommend getting a job first year, mostly because your stress levels will be through the roof. If you end up having a steady handle on your school work after your first midterms and have garnered an idea of what your program expects, you can find a weekend job to get some extra cash, but I personally think first year should be about having fun and getting good grades.

8. Drinking and drug use are normalized as all hell in university.

If you were like me and barely drank throughout high school, you will be intrigued to find out that a good 90% of people you meet in university either drink a ton of alcohol or smoke a staggering amount of weed. Sometimes both. While I am someone who drinks probably once a week now, it is important to be open to trying new things but also be safe about it. So no, I’m not telling you to go inject yourself with heroin; I’m saying trying a beer or taking a shot of tequila is perfectly fine. I know most who go into their first year aren’t legal until second semester (in Canada), but I don’t really feel like telling you not to drink because in the end, you’re gonna do whatever the hell you want. Know your limits and again, be aware of your surroundings to ensure your safety.

9.  Finding a relationship should not be a priority!

For some reason, I had envisioned myself meeting the perfect guy first year who would date me and make me ‘happy’ as we traversed coffee shops and listened to avant garde albums together. Safe to say, I was slightly disappointed when that didn’t happen. I want to stress that finding a significant other should not be on your priority list first year (or at any time, really) because you already have so much to focus on. Relationships are sometimes hard, and require a lot of work and energy, which often, you don’t have to spare during the tribulations of freshman year. You have your whole life to fall in love; patience is a virtue.

10. Your health is much more important than school ever will be.

As someone who almost collapsed under the stress and anxiety university brought me, I stand behind the point that before anything else, you need to take care of yourself. Yes, schoolwork is important and social events are fun, but if you’re feeling like you constantly have a weight on your chest or a panic attack every two days, it is important to step back from the stress and get help. Post secondary institutions have mental health initiatives often free for students that include solo, group, or single counselling sessions, along with other things, like stress relieving yoga classes or help lines to call if you’re uncomfortable with professional therapy. If you’re someone privy to catching colds or sicknesses, make sure to let your professors know through emails and academic consideration papers so that you can stay home and rest should you contract something nasty. As someone who wrote three of her exams through bleary eyes, a fever of 101 degrees, no voice, and a nose stuffed to the extreme, I can vouch for the importance of physically taking care of yourself. Indulge in a bath, drink some tea, take a nap, put a face mask on, or even go for a walk — any of these self care practices are important in recharging from the perils of studying and socializing.

There are tons more things I could have disclosed in this article, but these 10 points were the most important for me to state. University is an incredible experience for me so far — and I hope it will be for you as well.

Ambitiously,

Amanda

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[cynical665]

Megaman Legends Review - 1

Megaman Legends Review

Megaman was always a series that no matter what year it was, it stayed in 2D, with the exception of the Megaman X series. Even powerful consoles like the PS4, Xbox One X and Nintendo Switch, Classic Megaman refuses to go 3D and it should stay that way. However if we go back to the PS1 we see two attempts of 3D Megaman under the name of Megaman Legends. Now on my quest to play every Megaman Game I came across a small retro store that sells...well retro games. And I saw Megaman Legends there, I didn’t know what was so special about it but I just needed it..I didn’t buy it, I didn’t have a PS1. A week later I came back and got an N64 along with Megaman 64 and Pokemon Snap. This was the first time I ever had an experience with the N64 other than emulation. Since this is my first N64 Game I figured that I’d give my thoughts on it while I play it. Just a reminder that I’m playing Megaman 64 however I’m going to be calling it Megaman Legends from now on, it just sounds better than the 64 Disease that spread to every N64 Game. (Super Mario 64, Mario Kart 64, Starfox 64, Kirby 64 The Crystal Shards, Donkey Kong 64, Harvest Moon 64 and Wave Race 64 to name some.)

The Beginning

We start off with a narration of the world we’re in right now, it tells us that the world is basically covered in water, people are forced to search the vast ocean to find ancient technology, Quantum Refractors. These refractors are in ruins underground patches of land. The people who look and search for the refractors are called ‘Diggers.’ Originally the only jobs for the Diggers were to find refractors for civilization but legends were told of a legendary treasure known as ‘Mother Lode.’ The Mother Lode is supposedly extremely powerful, so powerful that it can get rid of the fear of running out of regular refractors and provide so much power the world will never run out of energy. Then the narrator for some reason asks what the true motives of the Diggers really are.

Then we’re greeted with the most ominous music of all time with someone from a radio talking to Megaman, seemingly with the transmission cutting out. Megaman actually finds a refractor with the person over the radio saying that they’ll finally be able to make some money for the refractor? Seems a bit..Greedy, I guess that’s the smallest hunch to what the narrator said about the motives of Diggers. After taking the refractor the pedestal it was on starts to sink with everything shaking with three weird eyeball things being forced out of the wall. Seeing the doors starting to close Megaman books it out of there and barely making it out. Megaman tells the girl that he’s alright however she says that she’s picking up some readings of a ‘Reaverbot’ and to get out of there. Already? Seems kinda funny to start us where the mission ends and with some powerful bot around us. HM, It’s almost like that bot isn’t going to be a big threat or something. And before we end up moving more than 2 feet Ms.Tutorial stops us dead in our tracks to tell us that there’s...a reaverbot somewhere and if we can see it? I beg your pardon, WOMAN? And why is the scariest music playing at the beginning of a Megaman Game? It’s alright cause the game tells us that we fire with the Button and press Z+R to lock onto enemies. We can also use L+R to lock onto enemies along with moving with the D-Pad, but I’ll get into that later. One nitpick is that when you finish reading Instructions and asks if you wanna read them again, they put Yes as the first option. Why? Why should I have to read more then once? It’s nothing huge but it annoys me a bit. Some enemy’s shoot out of a wall but they’re really weak so like 3 shots can kill them. Megaman, Link called he wants his rupees back. And weird ass squares that have a glowy thing inside.

The Controls

To put it simply Megaman controls just the way you think Classic Megaman would control in 3D. The Camera is very janky at the first parts though, however after leaving the ruins I found the Camera Controls to be alright. However it isn’t controlled by the C-Buttons, it’s controlled by L, R & Z with L & R both going left. This concept works fine on N64 but I’d hate to see it being played on a PS1, Since the PS1 Controller doesn’t have an analog stick and just the D-Pad. Tutorial Woman tells us to go right and well, I dunno where else to go. Woman asks us if we see a door anywhere and I’m stuck. Why am I stuck? Now we’re told that to open doors we use the Down C-Button to open doors and investigate items. Basically it’s our interact button, a bit strange. The game has its own strange auto-lock feature but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. We continue and already know how to jump with A, however it’s a bit weird. Megaman’s normal jump doesn’t go that high up so for even basic platforms we hold onto the edge of them and have to jump on them.

The Reaverbot

Woman tells us that she found a Reaverbot real close by and tells us it’s above us. It’s a total joke as long as you stay far away it can’t hurt you.

The Beginning (Continuation)

We go on a bit further and find some chests, damn this game is a bit similar to another game, I can’t put my finger on it though. In one chest there’s a Power Raiser that’s simple enough, a part for our buster gun that makes it more powerful. However in the other one we’re given some ‘Zenny.’ Zenny is basically this game's version of currency, think of Bolts from the Classic Megaman Games or Rupees from Legend of Zelda. After getting those Woman tells us that she found a huge blip in front of us. What is a Blip? A Blip is an unexpected, minor, and typically temporary deviation from a general trend or a short high-pitched sound made by an electronic device, well I don’t hear anything and the first definition doesn’t make sense so….-Woman starts to cut off and we learn that her name was Roll the entire time. Wow, like Roll from Classic Megaman? Not some fake out like Alia from X? Actual Roll? Sounds cool, but we gotta get outta here if we want to see or even hear her cause she’s losing us from the horrible transmission. Then we fight some big robot that’s also supposed to be a Reaverbot? I guess? How many Reaverbot models are there? So far all of them look different and vary in strength. Well we actually fight a somewhat difficult boss..is what I would be saying if Megaman dies in 3 Hits. This boss is piss easy, I just ran around him over and over again while he would try to hit me and miss by 5 miles. After Megaman gives the bot the mean look the bot powers down and Megaman leaves, bUt Uh Oh LoOkS LiKe ThE BoT hAs OtHeR pLaNs!1  However, before the bot can do anything Megaman pulls a suicide squad and jumps off the buliding saying sayonara to the Reaverbot, but Roll with quite a large ship actually catches Megaman and they go off.

The Voice Acting & Sound Quality

Hear me out, I’m not one to complain about Voice Acting and Sound Quality on such an Old Console like the N64 but jesus christ, even when I’m in a dead quiet room I just can’t understand what these characters say, I have to go on Youtube to find a Longplay of Megaman Legends (PS1) to understand what they’re saying. Everything just sounds too..pixelated? I don’t know how to describe it but on PS1 it sounds great and I can understand what they’re saying but why? The N64 version came after the PS1 version, is it because Megaman 64 is on a cartridge and not a CD? That is the reason isn’t it? God damn it

The First Cutscene Alright, after panning over a 2D image with a 3D Model of a Ship Megaman thanks Roll, and jesus christ Roll in this game is just so sweet. She’s easily one of the best characters, after telling Megaman she had engine problems he replies saying that it’s alright and then winks? What are you doing Megaman, what does that mean? She’s your sister for christ sake. Then Megaman says one of the best lines I ever heard in Gaming History “Don’t worry we’ll find it someday (The Mother Lode)..And your parents too.”

Now we’re introduced to some old guy in our ship, who is our grandfather. But we aren’t told who he is in the game until way later. Happened with Roll and now our own Grandfather? I don’t even know what his name is. They never say it, Megaman and Roll just call him Gramps. But this brings up the question, whose Grandfather is this? Roll is still looking for her parents so that means Megaman isn’t related to Roll, from the way Megaman said “Find your parents” then who is this guy? I might be looking too deep into it, but it still confuses me. Oh yea and the ship is crashing, that’s a thing too. We crash into some patch of land somewhere with the ship all busted up. Not by mentioning his name but by reading the text boxes myself, with voices over it, I’ve learned that the  grandfathers’ name is Barrel. Barrel tells us to look around for some kind of town or city somewhere. There’s also some monkey called Data that acts as a saving point, recharge health and I assume recharge weapon energy if the game even has them. I’m sure they do, it is a Megaman Game after all. How convenient, there’s a sign saying “To Town” with an arrow pointing up. But before we go further we see a police car go to our ship! Here if you don’t talk to the right person first, dialogue repeats. We can also kick when we can’t shoot our buster. After walking a bit we see the city with a huge broken border that I know we didn’t do, what the hell happened there?

KattleLox

Now we enter the Shopping Center of Kattlelox called the Apple Market, and yes. This is infact where AVGN found Megaman reading some “Dirty Magazines” and yes, Megaman reads porn. The absolute mad lad, there’s also ‘Jetlag Bakery.’ After pissing around the Market we enter the Junk Store with a woman saying that her husband went into some ruins in front of the Border. After going there and killing some enemies we find the guy and he books it out of there. We can keep on going but why would we? I have no reason to, let’s just go back to the Junk Store, the woman thanks us by giving us her broken down support car, lame. But not so lame because it’s very helpful later on. And we see some really cute looking Lego guys who say they’re waiting for Ms. Tron. Oh, you mean the Smash Bros Spirit? Also it’s only now that I realize that Megaman sounds like a woman, didn’t know if they’d actually do that for the American release: I know in Japan it’s actually really common for women to voice young boys in things like anime. Think of Ash from Pokemon, in his earlier regions. Now with the support car we can now change our weapons, save, recharge our life, our energy, and enhance and make our weapons even better. However I didn’t know this my first time around it actually took me 4 hours to realize that. With the support car finished Roll gives us our first special weapon in the name of Splash Mines, what are they? Exactly what they sound like. After leaving the car we’re given our own pass to walk around Kattletox however not one that allows us to go anywhere because of a security risk. Apparently there’s some pirates coming to Kattletox. Roll is worried for Barrel so we go to see if he’s safe. Some kids, that we have to sneak up on, say that some girl is actually a pirate in the city. Here we meet a woman talking to the little lego bots which are called Servbots. One funny thing I found out about the city is that you can actually get hit by cars and lose some heath but you can get some health back from some vending machines everywhere. The actual city is pretty small but not small enough where you can’t not get lost. We enter city hall where Barrel is talking to the mayor of Kattlelox, Amelia. She tells us that she knows the reports of the pirates. After leaving City Hall we see the same woman who was talking to the Servbots being chased by a dog, which is kinda funny cause she was a bit rude earlier.

The Game’s Comedy

The game is filled with tiny funny jokes like this, so many little things that would make a 5 year old shit their pants laughing just makes me feel all giddy inside. Also don’t forget you can get hit by cars.

Pirates!

After going after the woman and the dog we politely tell the dog to go off itself and it just gives up. After helping the woman she just runs away telling us to mind our own business. We go back to roll to tell her Barrel is fine. But she points out that there were strange looking ships flying by. Then some go to the city with some things sounding like they’re being blasted. This worries Roll imessly and she figures out that the pirates are actually terrorizing the city, the pirates are actual terrorists. Roll runs into the city to make sure barrel is alright. The police tells Roll that we can’t go through cause it’s really dangerous, and us being Heroic Megaman we say we gotta stop the pirates. And the police just lets us go without even moving their hands. We see some giant mechs look at a door with all of them staring at us one at a time. And it turns out the Servbots are apart of the Pirates with 3 of them right in front of us. And I think it’s safe to assume that the woman we saved from the dog is actually the Miss Tron the Servebots are talking about. And here we start with our first mission!

We are the 3 Bonnes Brothers!

For this fight we’re supposed to get a key from the 3 Brothers and their mechs. They each go around the city passing it to each other and each mech has their own little perk. The red one is the most powerful out of all, the yellow one is one of endurance so it has more health and the blue one is the fastest. This boss fight is pretty hard for my first time so I died every now and then. Since I didn’t know that upgrade were a thing in this game. And ahh, it’s so nice to beat them. Oh, what’s this? The Servbots run somewhere screaming “Miss Troooon!” and I was right! Woman is Tron! And she’s gonna teach us? Oh..wait no! I barely have any health Tron! HAVE MERCY! SPARE ME, SPARE ME!

[entergamingxp]

The 5 Biggest Gameplay Changes in DOOM Eternal

January 21, 2020 1:00 PM EST

DOOM Eternal makes great strides over its 2016 predecessor; here are a few of the biggest gameplay changes in the upcoming sequel.

In just about two months, DOOM Eternal is set to arrive and kick even more demon ass than ever before. As the long-awaited follow-up to 2016’s excellent DOOM revival, DOOM Eternal ups the ante of the series in significant ways, especially when it comes to how the game feels and plays.

At a preview event in New York City, we had the opportunity to check out the first three hours of the single-player campaign in DOOM Eternal. During that time, we not only were able to get a better understanding of how the story will play out, but also how the anticipated sequel will feel and play. If you were a fan of 2016’s DOOM, then you can rest easy: DOOM Eternal plays just as well as its predecessor, if not better.

Of course with this being a sequel, there are also plenty of new gameplay additions and enhancements in the mix in DOOM Eternal. After our time going through the first few levels with the Doom Slayer, here are 5 of the biggest gameplay changes that we saw during our gameplay demo with DOOM Eternal.

New Tools and Toys for the Doom Slayer

Like any good shooter sequel, DOOM Eternal gives the Doom Slayer a ton of new weapons and equipment to work with while taking on demon hordes. Aside from old favorites like the Shotgun and Plasma Rifle, a few new weapons make their way into the Doom Slayer’s arsenal and expand on his abilities. Two of the most notable new weapon additions include the Flame Belch and the Blood Punch which, by their names, should be pretty self-explanatory.

Aside from sounding incredibly badass, the Blood Punch (when unlocked) upgrades the Doom Slayer’s melee attack to a sweeping, devastating hit that can take out several enemies at once. The Blood Punch, however, does operate on a cooldown that requires a certain number of Glory Kills to recharge, and the player will revert to the Doom Slayer’s normal melee attacks until then. From my time playing, I found the Blood Punch to be incredibly effective at crowd control, especially when you are faced with a group of smaller enemies in front of you, making it a powerful new addition.

The Flame Belch, on the other hand, is another new piece of equipment that can help give an edge in battle by lighting enemy demons on fire. Fired from the Doom Slayer’s new shoulder-mounted grenade launcher, the Flame Belch gives a quick burst of flames that will ignite demons and slowly whittles away their health over time. While not super powerful by itself, the Flame Belch can be very effective in taking down enemies when used in tandem with other weapons, and also giving the player valuable Armor Packs. I especially found it really helpful against some of the bigger demons you’ll fight like the Hell Knights and Arachnotrons. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed by them, you can light them on fire and quickly retreat to still pluck away damage on them and then go in for the finishing blow.

Each Weapon Feels More Specialized

Outside of the new equipment and weapons that DOOM Eternal introduces, most (if not all) of the previous iconic weapons that were used in 2016’s DOOM make a return with some new upgrades and abilities. Yes, you’ll still be able to blast demons in the face with the Super Shotgun, and it still feels just as great as before.

While DOOM Eternal brings back your favorite weapons, one of the key gameplay changes that I saw while playing through the demo was its greater emphasis on switching up weapons in specific scenarios. In Eternal, several of the demons that you’ll face now have a specific counter or weapon that they might be weak against, which you can use to take them down more easily. The Cacodemon, for example, has an opening for you to lob a grenade into its mouth when it widens its jaws, which can then stun it for an easier Glory Kill. You’ll also come across shielded enemies that are vulnerable to the Plasma Rifle by firing it at their shields, causing them to explode and letting you jump in for an easier kill.

Though DOOM always placed an emphasis on varying up which weapons you’re using, this ability to counter specific enemies with certain weapons helped make each weapon feel more unique and useful. Given that DOOM Eternal throws a ton of enemies at you at a time, knowing where and when to use each weapon will help give you an advantage when faced with an army of demons in front of you.

Enhanced Customization and Weapon Modifications

Aside from the sheer number of weapons at your disposal in DOOM Eternal, weapon customization and modifications also take a greater focus this time around as the Doom Slayer. The weapons come with not just one secondary firing option, but many of them offer a couple different ways for you to radically change up their capabilities.

These new abilities are unlocked through weapon modifications that you will collect and use throughout the course of the game, and can give your weaponry a whole new way to take down demons. For example, with the game’s starting Shotgun, you can modify the secondary fire to be either a sticky grenade launcher or change the Shotgun to go full-automatic. At first I favored the sticky grenade launcher to take out waves of enemies from a distance, but I quickly found myself switching to the full-auto Shotgun mod when I was faced with larger enemies and could rip a hole into them effortlessly. You can also easily swap between weapon mods on the fly to change up strategies in the middle of combat.

Alongside the weapon mods themselves, throughout the course of DOOM Eternal you’ll also collect points that you can use to upgrade your weapons and customize them more towards your style of play. Whether you want to favor certain weapons or enhance their capabilities to work better with specific abilities, DOOM Eternal already seems like it is opening up even more combat options to players that want to take full advantage of them.

More Mobility Than Ever Before

2016’s DOOM was already a shooter that looked and played exceptionally, and DOOM Eternal somehow makes that even better. The fast-paced and relentless combat of DOOM is entirely present in Eternal, and while the weapons already feel great, mobility especially seems like it has gotten an upgrade in the sequel.

The Doom Slayer has a few new moves at his disposal in DOOM Eternal when it comes to mobility, making him far more versatile to move in and out of combat. One of the most significant new additions is a dash move that can quickly dart the Doom Slayer in any direction, a vital new move for dodging incoming enemy attacks. The dash can also be used in mid-air, making it crucial to use in some of the platforming-heavy segments to cross large gaps.

In addition to the dash move, the Doom Slayer also now has the ability to climb up specific wall faces, another crucial part of areas where climbing and mobility are needed in DOOM Eternal. While DOOM Eternal isn’t suddenly a platforming game by any means, the new mobility options for the Doom Slayer not only are integral to the game’s exploration segments, but also serve as essential new components of its combat.

Gorier and Gutsier

In case you hadn’t played 2016’s DOOM, the rebooted series is incredibly gory and violent, and that is especially the case with DOOM Eternal. Not only do Glory Kills return, but DOOM Eternal has somehow made the series’ signature finishing moves even more ridiculous and over-the-top than ever before.

But aside from the return of these gory finishers, DOOM Eternal makes things even more bloody with a brand new battle damage system against enemy demons. As you pump bullets into oncoming demons you’ll see their flesh and guts exposed and wearing away, which adds to the visual spectacle of DOOM Eternal’s gunfights.

However, this doesn’t just serve as an added visual flair, but the battle damage system also serves as a helpful way of identifying which demons are on the verge of being finished off. This is especially helpful when taking on several larger demons at a time, as you can quickly figure out in a fight which demons you should focus on first by ones look like they’ve taken the most hits.

Is it bloody and maybe a little too much? Absolutely. Is it still helpful to know which demon is hanging on by a thread and ready for a Glory Kill? Hell yes.

DOOM Eternal will release for PS4, Xbox One, PC, and Google Stadia on March 20, 2020, with a Nintendo Switch version to arrive down the line. For more on the game, you can check out our latest hands-on preview.

January 21, 2020 1:00 PM EST

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/01/the-5-biggest-gameplay-changes-in-doom-eternal/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-5-biggest-gameplay-changes-in-doom-eternal

[bondedbrotherhood-blog]

Love me tender

Written by @TenaciousDoctor and @LordshipHalogen #Warning #SexualThemes #Mature *~*~*~*~* Lassiter: Procrastination is like masturbation. In the end you realise… you’ve just fucked yourself. Waiting until ultimately the last minute to come and do this had not been my intention, sure, but when push came to shove, actually walking my ass down to the med wing and getting strapped up to donate the silver stuff had really ‘not’ been what I wanted to do with my night. Day. Whatever. Stupid vampire schedule… There were some perks to being the last living soul (pun intended) in the place though - no one to watch me squirm. No one to force idle chit chat with. No one to ask how I was doing. Yay me. There was Jane though. And if ever there was a doctor I trusted with my personal space, it was her. Regardless of the chaos around her, or even within her, Jane always took her oath as a doc seriously, providing comfort, care and compassion to the patient first. So she didn’t bother with the ‘hi how are yas’ or the ‘is everything okays’. No. She sat down, smiled, asked for my arm, and went through the motions. Creator sent, this one. Creator sent. “Can’t believe it was actually a quiet enough night to do this,” I manage, my tone even and light. Pretending like across the hall I hadn’t sat hunched over, broken and bloodied as she’d helped reset my wings months earlier. “Bet they didn’t even find a Lesser out tonight,” I add, looking away as she waved around a needle longer than my finger. “Lash isn’t one to play his cards before his hand is due…” Jane: *The noise and rush faded and I welcomed the silence and the empty tunnels. Every last soul had left and I was alone at last. Or not… Lass was waiting in the PT suite and it didn’t surprise me. I was expecting him, but when he didn’t come down with Adrian, I figured he wasn’t ready for this. A warm smile brightened my otherwise exhausted features as I stepped into the room and went about taking out what I needed, and sitting next to Lass. My latex gloved covered hands worked a gently pace around everything I needed to do as Lass broke the silence with some nervous small talk. I nodded and smiled to keep him talking with an occasional “uhu”, until I had all the silver blood required from him. I took a disney plaster from the silver tray and had it ready to apply to the small wound. Rolling back on the small black stool, I put all the used items in the silver tray for disposal and turned back to face Lass. My voice soft and laced with concern* All done, and you didn’t even feel a thing. *My concern was for his mental health and everything he had been through the past few months. He wasn’t one to talk, and he preferred to joke about everything, and even though he was still prancing around in his wacko outfits from his Wizard of Oz wardrobe, I saw the pain reflected in those white eyes* Would you like some hot chocolate? Lassiter: I did. I totally wanted hot chocolate. I also wanted the end of this war, world peace, and Lash’s head on a spike. But I’d settle for the hot chocolate. And Jane’s company. “Sure,” I agree with a nod. “I was gonna take some time out in the sun though, while everyone else is asleep. Interested in joining me? You and Ad are like the only ones I can ask since it’s not fatal to you…” Managing a smile, I hopped off the gurney and stretched, tilting my head from side to side and offering my arm with a flourish to the good Doc. “Swing by the kitchen, grab some of the good stuff and head outside?” Fritz would undoubtedly be up. Pretty sure the guy never actually slept. Or he’d figured out how to sleep with his eyes open and the vacuum running. I’d believe it, to be honest, but here’s hoping he wasn’t gonna bust a nut about us making hot chocolate in his kitchen. Jane: *Hooking my arm into Lass’s, I smiled and nodded over at my private kitchen which was next to the medical supplies. Not many people knew about this small kitchen, but that was the idea. It was for Manny, myself and Ehlena to use. I steered Lass in the right direction as we walked down the tunnels. Winking as I stopped and opened the door* We have our own set up down here. It beats having to ask the doggen for snacks and refreshments all the time, especially since our hours don’t coincide with the rest of the household. Fritz keeps the fridge and cupboards well stocked. *Slipping my hand free from Lass’s arm, I pulled out a pot and poured some milk in to boil on the small stove, before taking out two large mugs and adding a few heaped spoons of hot cocoa* It’s been a few days since I’ve been out in the sun. Ever since Manny and I don’t talk, we don’t go for walks anymore and… *I stopped and cleared my throat to stop the rambling* Hot chocolate out by the pool deck will be heaven right now. *Once the milk started boiling, I turned the stove off and poured the hot milk into the mugs, and passed Lass’s mug to him before we made our way down the tunnels and out the garage to head to the gardens and the pool* Lassiter: I frowned but didn’t say anything when Jane mentioned Manny. The whole manse knew of the conflict between Jane, the human doc, and Murhder. Hard to miss some of it, all things considered. How Jane was handling it after the shit hit the fan though, that was something I was curious about. To go from the cool calculation of Vishous, to the steadfast Doctor, then the maelstrom of Murhder… I just couldn’t imagine it. And people thought my tastes were out there… Following Jane up and out into the world, a sigh of bliss escaped me as sunlight lit me from head to toe. For just a second I didn’t bother trying to put a dimmer switch on the internal glow, relaxing every muscle just to feel the sun completely. With my next inhale I had it back under control though, not wanting to blind the good doc and ruin our walk. “That feels better,” I admit, taking a sip of the hot chocolate and looking around at the garden. Already I could feel my body settling, the warmth and golden light recharging me like nothing else could. Not food, not sex, not TV. “You haven’t said much about Manny or Murhder,” I continue softly, looking at a bed of flowers trying to bloom despite the chill, “I don’t want to push or pry, but I was wondering…” I looked back up at the blonde, arching a brow. “Are you alright?” Jane: *This was exactly what I needed… A break from the med wing. I let out a sigh of relief the moment I felt the sun kiss my skin. A feeling of pure bliss washed over me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lassiter glowing a little brighter and then it was gone. He was enjoying this as much as I was. Living in a world with vampires had its perks and I was happy here with them, but I missed the sun. Nowadays I missed more than the sun… I missed myself. I’d lost myself along the way while trying to please everyone around me and now I found myself free, but mindful of those I’ve been hurting. Like Manny and Murh… I knew it would take some time for the dust to settle, because I kicked that shitstorm up quite high and it didn’t stop there. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and relished in the feeling of the sun on my face. Lassiter’s question didn’t surprise me, and I took a sip of my hot chocolate and stepped inside the pool area, which was very secluded for an outside pool. The tall brush and flowers around it provided a private paradise. It was perfect for those who wished to bath in the moonlight, but everyone mostly used the indoor pool. We walked over to the other side where the loungers were lined up, and I placed my cup on the small table next to my lounger before sitting down and kicking my feet up* I’m not sure how to answer that question… I’m dealing with all the emotions as best I can, and one day I’m winning and the next day something happens that kicks my feet out from under me, but I will get there. The mind is a powerful maze and my journey through it is just as powerful. Lassiter: That it was. It was the one thing you really kept when you lived as long as I did, too. The material, even the body, was insubstantial at times. But if you kept your mind, the parts of you that defined who you were, then it wasn’t at all lost. “I know what you mean. There are days where everything seems and feels impossible. But the strongest parts of you are always in the mind, because it’s the core of you. When that is broken?” I let out a bitter laugh. “Then you’re lost.” There had been times in the past however long where I’d been convinced that I’d lost everything. Lost myself, my purpose, the very essence of my being. Finding yourself again… well, that was the hardest thing anyone ever did. Settling onto one of the recliners, I kicked back and closed my eyes. “I think I’ve been lost too many times, if I’m honest.” Something I rarely liked being anymore. Jane: *I reached out and picked my cup up from the table, sipping slowly while I scanned the angel’s features. He’d been to hell and back, and that was just in the last year. I had no idea what he endured before the Brotherhood, but something told me it was more than most of us could handle. Lassiter was a beautiful male… angel, even with that Alice in Wonderland wardrobe fit he styled. His gorgeous multi colored hair framed a handsome face and his personality was as sparkly as his attitude. Very few people knew the Lass myself and Qhuinn had come to know. The angel fighting the inner demons with a hint of sass and leopard skin tights. Green eyes shifted away from the angel and settled on the clear water as I sipped away at my hot chocolate, allowing us both some quiet time to bask in the sun without commitment of conversation. Both of us lost in our own thoughts for as long as we needed. Some time later, around mid afternoon, I got up and went to sit next to Lass on his lounger* You know what we both need? A movie night, with nothing but monster movies and an over indulgence of sweets and popcorn. Lassiter: Angels didn’t necessarily ‘sleep’, but I was damn close when Jane came over to sit beside me. Stirring, trying not to start, I watched the female as she relayed her idea. There was a childish joy to her about it, a hope that it would be something relieving and renewing. I was /totally/ down for that. “That? Sounds fuckin’ magical,” I agree, smiling broadly as I sat up properly. “Bet if I let Fritz know he’ll organise continuous stream of whatever we want. OH! I’ve been craving a sundae 5ever,” I crow, leaping up from the seat and whirling to face Jane. Reaching out, I took her hand and pulled her up and to my chest. “How soon should we start?” This was why I liked Jane. Her intelligence wasn’t just literal, it was emotional as well. And while she could be as cool and sharp as her scalpels, there was a warmth and sweetness to her that was unrivalled. Add to that she was a damn fine female to look at and shiiiiiiiit. It was no wonder the males had fallen over themselves and lost their damn minds. “C’mon, I’ve got the perfect thing to wear for this too! The best pair of flannel pjamas. So comfy. Bet I could have Fritz get a pair for you too,” I grin, winking. Jane: *Smiling at Lassiter’s enthusiasm and relaxing into his warm, glowing touch, I made myself comfortable next to him. For a moment I forgot about everything and allowed myself to float. The best thing about Lassiter was that I didn't have to concentrate on staying corporeal. The Scribe had awarded me that comfort with Vishous, but since we aren't together, that gift didn’t extend to the next male in my life. Instead, I had to focus on staying solid, but with Lass, that rule doesn’t apply. It was an easy and carefree feeling I had missed , and haven’t had for way too long* I bet Frtiz will go all out for you, and the pj’s sound like a swell idea. *The past few months have been a roller coaster ride of emotions and stress, and heaven knows I needed some decent down time. And with what Lass had been through, I’d say that goes for both of us. The late afternoon sun baked down on us as I closed my eyes and rested my head on Lassiter’s shoulder* Lassiter: As the sun moved past its peak, I grinned and twisted, swinging Jane up into my arms. She was light, fitting perfectly against my chest as I carried her back toward the manse. When I breathed in her scent was there, fresh and bright and clean. I felt more relaxed than I had been in a long time. “I have a spare pair of the pj’s. Fritz is good, but I doubt he can scrounge up a set before we sit down for a movie. You can come up to my room n’ change,” I offer, arching a brow as we entered through the side door, back into the house. Reluctantly, I put the good Doc back down on her feet. “N’ ladies choice, you get to pick the first movie, okay?” Jane: *My mind shut down for the first time in a very long time as Lass lifted me into his arms with such ease, I had to look down to make sure I wasn’t imagining the movement. The gentle flow of air around us, the only confirmation that we were moving as I closed my eyes, and laid my head on Lass’s shoulder. His touch was as gentle as a light ocean breeze, and it felt good to be in his strong but oh so tender arms. My lips curled up in a smile and I welcomed the light mood and atmosphere that enveloped us. The stark contrast between light and dark was astonishing as we stepped inside the house and I instantly missed the sun as my feet touched the ground. Or maybe I missed the warmth of Lassister’s arms…* Yes, I will change in your room. I haven’t watched a movie in over a year. Let’s go with Avengers, Infinity War, if that’s something you would like to watch? *Taking a step forward, I winked over my shoulder* Race ya!! Lassiter: “Oh /hell/ yes, Avengers are da bomb. Heroes that are pretty easy on the eyes. N’ I mean, have you seen that Thor guy? Pretty sure he looks like me. I mean, it’s in the jaw n’ the eyes, but there’s something there.” I glanced down the hall then back, just as Jane yelled over her shoulders for the race and took off. “Oi!” I darted after her, managing not to take out one of the statues as we went. Even as I chased, I realised I had no desire to win. Rather, I wanted to keep that look on her face. Eyes bright, grin light, and laughing. I didn’t think I’d heard Jane laugh in so long. Too long. She hit my room first, and I groaned dramatically as I came to the door, panting a little at the sudden exertion. “Okay, fine, you win. But now I gotta wonder ‘what’ you win,” I chuckle, moving over to my closet and pushing things aside to try and find the flannel pajamas. Yeah, they were comfortable, but since angels didn’t really sleep, I didn’t really put them on that often. The moment I did bother to use the bed in this room were for idle moments I needed to think, and if there was sex to be had. It was sweet of Fritz to keep changing clean sheets. “Aha!” I grabbed them both and withdrew from the closet, tossing the pair at the bed as I glanced to Jane. My hand went for my shirt then stopped, some of the joy bleached from the moment as I realised that changing right here meant showing my scar. I could care less about the rest of me - before the scar my body was perf - but now I thought about it, changed clothes because of it. Yet Jane had seen it. Not even healed, but at its worst… Taking a deep breath in and letting it out slowly, I yanked my shirt up and over, tossing it toward the laundry basket as I walked over and picked up the flannel button up. Jane: *Grinning over at Lass as we walked into the room, knowing he let me win, but enjoying it nonetheless, purely because I felt light and happy. With everything he’d been through, there was something special about being able to share these rare moments with him. My eyes scanned around the room while Lass went over to the cupboard to pick out our evening wear. I didn’t even want to know what he would… Bugs bunny pjs landed on the bed for me… what’s up doc.. almost let out a chuckle but caught the moment of hesitation before Lass took his shirt off. My hands bundled the pjs together and I headed to the bathroom to change and wash my face, taking my time to give him some space to get settled. On returning to the room, Lass had the movie ready to play, and Fritz was at the door with our popcorn and refreshments, along with a selection of chocolates. Jackpot. This movie night with Lass was starting on a damn good note. Fritz left the trolley for us before bowing and seeing himself out. I picked up a tray and loaded it with everything my eyes thought my stomach could eat. I knew very well I wouldn’t be able to eat half of it, but it looked too good to pass up. Placing my tray on the bedside table I grabbed popcorn and got comfy on the bed, laying on my stomach with my feet up and crossed at the ankles, while Lass got his own treat on* You know, it’s been so long since I’ve watched movies, I can’t remember what Thor looks like. Tell me, how many hours a day do you spend watching TV? Lassiter: Jane was a class act. Rather than stare or make it awkward, she gathered her PJs and hit the bathroom. I dressed in no time, the softness of the flannel on my back comforting as I called Fritz and cued up the TV, ready to go. When she returned, I grinned at the tray being loaded up, waiting till she was done before moving to get my own. “Well, angels don’t really sleep, so… a metric fuckton would be an accurate measurement. I watch whatever I want until y’all wake up again to keep me company.” Which was an odd way to put it, but that was the truth. Some days I just waited for everyone to wake up again. “It’s not too bad. This time of year it’s longer nights than days, so I see everyone a lot more.” Hitting play, I settled in. My doppleganger appeared on screen and I tossed a few popcorn kernels into my mouth, chewing with a grin. “M’ totally better looking than him though… right?” Jane: *The grin on Lass’s face was almost child like, and it was easy to think he was all easy going and care free. Which he wasn’t. But only a few of us knew about the internal and external scars, and my lips were sealed on that subject. I always resisted the doctor/patient urge to ask him how he was doing, because that was not suitable in his situation. The external wounds might have left scars, but the internal wounds would take a long time to heal. My head turned from the TV screen to Lass, and back and forth a few times before I added teasingly* I don’t know… I mean, he is a god after all, and you’re just an Angel. There is a certain kind of beauty in all that power. The popcorn that came flying my way had me laughing and twisting to miss most of the kernels. My fingers fished some out of my hair and tossed it back at Lass* Okay, fine. You have much better hair, and your glow is to die for. Lassiter: I snorted. “Literally,” I replied, the irony deep in my voice. I’d died to get my glow. Dying and being made an angel hadn’t been on my afterlife plan but here I was. And some days I couldn’t remember how long ago I had died. I missed my longer hair though. Much like the Gods. Yet I still wasn’t ready to grow it back. “Gods are overrated though. And total whores. How many lovers are busy screaming ‘God’ in bed instead of their partners name? Gods get around,” I teased, setting aside the popcorn before I bothered to use it as an arsenal again. “He’s not even with Jane in this one either. She dumped his ass like radioactive waste.” Too late I realised I was probably edging the line of dangerous territory, considering my companion had just gone through her own messy break ups. I wanted to kick myself at my own stupidity. Jane: *The mood went from light and joking to thick and intent with Lass’s last words. Silence coated the air like a thick veil. The movie was even muted or maybe that was just me. My mind had suddenly locked everything out. Hell… At some point I knew I had to face the music, but it was easier to throw myself into my work and pretend nothing happened. The harsh reality though was that everyone knew what went down, and what made it worse was that I expected everything to go back to normal. It was foolish of me to expect that, but it was easier to think of it that way, than to deal with everything. At some point I would have to deal with it in a way that I’ve been avoiding. Apologies were not enough. It would take time before Manny would even consider me as a friend again and that hurt. His friendship meant too much to me to give up on it, but he was a tough nut to crack. It was time for me to stop pretending that everything was fine, and face the music. Some part of me feared that Manny would never consider me as a good friend again. Taking a deep breath I sat up and grabbed a pillow to hug as I crossed my legs. I really fucked things up and this was unfamiliar territory for me. I was the one who fixed things… fixed people… I was out of my depth here. Lassiter: Jane’s body language shifted, withdrawing into herself as I mentally took my foot outta my stupid mouth. Dropping my head and swallowing a curse, I lowered the volume a little on the movie, leaving just enough as a cover if she shot me down. “Hey. Look. I’m practically bird brained I’ve had wings for so long. M’ sorry. But hey… if you ‘do’ wanna talk about it…” I reached across the small distance to brush my hand against her knee in a comforting gesture, my gaze trying to meet hers. “...I’m here. The age thing does come with its perks. I know more than I should.” Or wanted to, really. I’d lived through more than most people would want to or even physically could. It wasn’t even something I was proud of; after a while, endurance was just endurance, and everything left its mark. Once you became an angel, so few of the scars could be seen. Unless you dealt with a demon spawned vampire asshole. Jane: *Lass’s words gave me a sense of comfort I hadn’t felt for a long time. The type of comfort I needed right now. The non judgemental kind that assured me with unspoken words, and as his hand brushed over my knee, I found myself leaning towards the handsome angel with no shame and no remorse. My voice soft but steady* Honestly, I have to face my demons instead of trying to avoid it. I got myself into this mess and I’ve been avoiding cleaning it up. Drowning myself in work and pretending everything is fine isn’t fixing anything. I have to accept the consequences of my actions and talk to Manny again. This time without expecting him to forgive me or to understand why I did what I did. *As I said the last words it felt so real. The possibility that Manny might walk out of my life and never return was too real to deal with and I didn’t want to talk about it now. No, this night was to be enjoyed and take my mind off the catastrophe waiting for me* I’d rather not talk about it for now. I’m enjoying our pleasant, drama free movie night. I just need a second to recollect myself. *I realized I was still leaning into Lass, but the comfort his presence gave me was almost addictive* Lassiter: Honestly, Jane gave me more than I thought that stoic, self contained woman would. Sometimes I had to remind myself she was almost as bad as the Brothers themselves; granite walls to hide the fact that inside, they were screaming. They were just too damned determined to let anyone hear it. As she shifted closer, leaning into me, my body reacted on instinct. Lowering the weight of my arm around her shoulders in a half hug, I stared down at her as she spoke, letting her purge the feelings she could, while she could. It wasn’t a wonder that more than one male had thrown their hat in the ring where Jane was concerned. Strong and fierce, compassionate yet ruthless. And as beautiful a female as I’d ever seen. The weight of her against my chest, the faint warmth of her in her corporeal form, felt surprisingly good. I didn’t want to recoil. I didn’t want to push her away. Honestly… I wanted more. “Take as many seconds as you need.” My voice came out a murmur as I looked down at her, breathed in the scent of her and savored this feeling of peace for the brief moment it was afforded to me. Letting out a gentle sigh, I dipped my head just enough, until it rested against hers. Jane: *A blanket of warmth enveloped my body and mind and with that I felt myself letting go of the stress that plagued my mind. My body relaxed against Lass as our foreheads touched and for a brief moment I questioned whether this was real or if I had fallen asleep without realizing it. The peace I felt was unbelievable. My body curved around his like a perfect sculpture of desire and passion blended with pure bliss. My mind was standing on the edge of questioning what was going on, but being in Lass’s arms felt too good to allow any logical interference. I’m single. He is single. And this felt right. My body put my mind on standby mode and took complete control. My hand sliding up the angel’s neck and into his long, thick hair to tangle and tug at my pleasure, while my legs rubbed against his and my body started a soft grinding motion accompanied by the faintest of moans* I don’t need seconds… I need you… Lassiter: Every part of my body reacted. The sweet sting of her hand in my hair, the delicious friction of her legs twined with mine, her body pressed against me; they sent a warm rush from head to toe. Without thinking I lifted one hand to cradle her cheek, dipping my head to claim her lips in a soft kiss. Sliding my other hand around her waist I shifted, drawing the weight of her onto my chest as I lay back. Her lips were softer than the pillows we lay on, and I took my time tasting them, one kiss after another. It was tender, gentle, and fuck, I loved it. I needed it. There was no aggression, no savagery or snarling… just peace. Comfort. Sliding both hands down her sides, I reached the perfect curve of her rear and squeezed lightly, lifting my hips against hers as my cock hardened between us. She was so slight a weight on my chest, my arms half around her and holding her safe. With the curtain of her hair falling forward to tickle my cheeks I broke the kiss to chuckle softly, brushing my nose to hers. “I need you too, Doc,” I murmured, looking up into her eyes. Letting go of that perfect ass, and trust me, that was hard, I slid my hands slowly up her back, under her shirt. I didn’t go further; didn’t lift the material off. I wasn’t going to lead - Jane deserved the power, the control. If she wanted to say no, if she wanted to back out and watch Avengers till we died, I’d do it. Jane: *His lips were soft and gentle on mine, leaving me gasping softly with delight and surprise. The slow and careful movement to settle us in a comfortable position with me on top brought a smile to my lip. His confirmation of his equal desire spoke volumes without the words being uttered. We both needed this. We both wanted something different to take our minds off the hell that we’ve been through, although my wreck couldn’t come close to what Lass had been through. The world around us fell into step as if summoned by the gods themselves. The lights dimmed, leaving only the candles to flicker as the TV turned off by itself. I didn't give it a second thought. Angel powers and all that. My hand moved from his thick long hair down to his face, tracing an invisible line down the side and down his neck, chest and under his shirt to trace over his abs. Wow, his abs were really fine. I continued to trace circles with my fingers as if I needed to get him familiar with my touch. Some part of me didn’t want him to think for even a second that he was being touched by evil, which had me lingering with the touching while my lips only left his for short breaths between gentle kisses. My other arm was snuggled in halfway under his shoulder, fingers curling around hard muscle with a tender touch. My feet did a little dance and tease of their own up and down his legs and the tango continued until I was sure he was completely relaxed under my touch. My lips left his warm, soft lips and it brought a groan of protest to my throat, but I wanted to taste the rest of him and I wanted to take this exquisitely slow. My eyes caught sight of the bulge in his pants and I had to swallow a few times and remind myself that slow was good with Lass and where his mind had been. I took my time kissing, licking and blowing hot air up and down his skin, getting rid of his shirt and mine as I went. Lassiter: The clothes came off slowly, and it was nice to think we had all the time in the world to indulge in this moment of peace. As Jane stroked over every inch of skin, removing her clothes and mine, I lost myself to the sensation. It was tender and teasing, careful but full of promise. Her fingers brushed near my scar but I didn’t flinch, didn’t stop for a second to wonder at her seeing it, judging me for it. Pitying me for it. She’d already seen it. And it never mattered to her. As her lips ghosted over my chest, the wet caress of her tongue over both nipples, followed by that teasing breath, had my own hitching. As one hand stroked down her naked side the other dropped to tangle in the bedding, sparks of pleasure lighting up my skin as I moaned softly. My lips lifted against hers, rolling in a slow, sensual grind as she continued to explore. Reaching the waistband of my super comfy PJs, I didn’t hesitate in lifting my hips, the fabric sliding away to leave me bare and very /obviously/ ready for more. Like, a lot more. Not one to hog all the attention, I sat up and rolled us again. It was my turn to return the favor, taking one brief second to nudge the hardness of my cock against the core of her, like a promise of what was to come, before I lowered my head and kissed at her neck. My lips made their own trail down, taking time and care with each nipple until they were hard peaks, the swell of her breasts covered in light goose pimples as I licked and blew on the sensitive flesh. As my fingers hooked into the hem of her pants to draw them down, I didn’t think about anything else. Not tomorrow. Not the past. Not the pain or the fear or anything else that had dogged my steps for so long. I thought about /her/, I thought about this moment. I thought about wanting to indulge in every second of it until we were both happy and spent and at peace. So I did. #LoveMeTender #BondedBrothers

[desireesroadtrip]

Episode III: Return of the Jetta

It is now July 2018. I have gone on two major road trips in my life thus far. I am about to embark on the third. But before I tell you about that, let’s reflect on those first two I’ve taken…

Hello, all.

My name is Desiree Echevarria and I have wanderlust.

I’m 27 years old and have lived in Southern California my whole life. I’d like to get out immediately please, if only for a little while. And here’s why.

Every day, I go to a job that, admittedly, I like a whole lot. I have family and friends that I like a whole lot. I have a life that I sure do like a whole lot.

And yet…

I gotta get the fuck out of here.

At the end of every day, in order to get home, I drive east on one the many freeways in Southern California that are in a perpetual state of apocalyptic clusterfuckery. I sit in traffic. I dodge assholes who are seemingly using their BMWs to try to commit vehicular manslaughter on everyone else on the freeway. Sometimes, I’ll admit it, I’ll add to my own anxiety by being the asshole who’s trying get ahead in traffic using my clearly superior weaving skills. OUT OF THE WAY, JERKS, I HAVE TO GET TO MY HOUSE BEFORE YOU GET TO YOURS. I NEED THAT EXTRA 2 MINUTES TO SIT AROUND AND BE TOO LAZY TO SHOWER.

I look out the car window and see the same scenery every day. If it’s not the crumbling concrete of the rough, grey L.A. freeways, it’s the boring, well-manicured, strategically landscaped, but grotesquely artificial, ambiance of Orange County. And every day, while sitting there in traffic, I think to myself: “What if I just kept driving? What if I didn’t stop at my exit and I just kept going east? Who would stop me? No one, that’s who.”

That’s what I wrote five years ago in my mission statement (you can re-visit that lengthy manifesto here) prior to embarking on a three-week road trip across the country and back. It was a trip that, when I returned, a friend of mine referred to as a “walkabout.” I liked that. So that’s what I call it now.

I drove my Volkswagen GTI (R.I.P.) from Los Angeles through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada.

Pictured: Black Magic the GTI, the most beloved of all my Volkswagens.

I didn’t have any deadlines or any real destinations. I went just to see what I could see. I stopped and pulled off the road to take photos whenever I felt like it. I talked to strangers. I blogged a lot. And it was fucking awesome.

(I won’t rehash the happenings of that first trip because literally every post on this Tumblr prior to this one chronicles them in detail. I created this Tumblr specifically for that trip and am reviving it for this next one. Scroll back to read about my exploits if you’d like.)

That first trip was a major turning point in my life. It got me out of my lifelong comfort zone and made me a little more fearless in general – and that alone has had far-reaching effects. That trip shook all my shit up, in a good way.

Today, I’m 32 years old and a lot has changed since then.

For starters, I don’t like the word “wanderlust" anymore. Makes me cringe. Please forget I ever used it.

But also, I don’t live in Southern California anymore. I live in Austin, Texas – a place I encountered on that very first megatrip.

This might seem surprising because in my post-roadtrip recap back in 2013, you may recall I returned from that trip with grand plans to “kick down Hollywood’s door and take the motherfucker over.”

Narrator voice: She did not take the motherfucker over.

So how did I end up in Austin? (I get this question a lot. So, finally, here’s your answer. *Clears throat.*)

Throughout my twenties, I worked in Hollywood. When you work in Hollywood, your friends and family love to hear stories about the most glamorous parts of your job. Everyone loves hearing a story with a famous person in it, even if the story is simply, “I got an email from Jennifer Lawrence today. She seems nice.” See, there’s a famous person in that riveting story about a work email. That makes it a good story. It’s very cool to come home from work and tell people that you spent the day with Clint Eastwood or that Jay Leno showed you around his fancy car garage or that Bradley Cooper asked you for a bottle of water and you handed it to him and you will both cherish that moment forever.

It’s very cool to tell people those parts of your job. But those aren’t even the everyday moments. Those are the sometimes moments. They’re awfully cool, but what happens when the day-to-day of your job is in no way fulfilling and, in fact, sucks so much ass? That’s much less cool.

It’s a tough trade-off. Because you like being able to tell your family and friends your Hollywood anecdotes. It makes you seem interesting. You like being able to watch a movie and see your name in the credits. It makes you feel important.

And it’s a hell of a thing to have to admit to yourself that it’s not actually what you want at all.

But that’s exactly what I did at the end of 2015.

Hi, I’m Desiree Echevarria. I’m sure you remember me from The Hunger Games. I played Katniss.

Here’s where I was: American Sniper was finally finished. I worked through TWO releases of those DVDs, one per year. So I had SOMEHOW been working on American Sniper for a damn year and a half (looooong after the film had left the theaters and lost all the Oscars). So I was bored and ready for something new.

My boss came to work one day and very excitedly told me that the next movie we would be working on was Clint Eastwood’s new film, Sully, starring Tom Hanks. It was our job to produce the bonus features for it, as per usual. The film would likely be a hit, like anything else Clint Eastwood or Tom Hanks does.

And yet I felt nothing. I did not feel excited. I did not feel awe. I did not feel that Hollywood magic that I know I felt at some point in my life before.

A Clint Eastwood/Tom Hanks joint walks through the door and I feel nothing.

I was burnt. out.

Sorry, Clint. 

It was time for a change, and not just on a three-week walkabout to recharge my mental batteries this time. For one thing, I was broke af (because the thing everyone loves to downplay about working in Hollywood is that the pay is shit and if you don’t like it well, fuck you, there’s a line of about a thousand suckers right behind you just BEGGING for a shot at your gig). But also, I didn’t want to have to come back to this place — not just this production company, but this Hollywood. It was time for a REAL-ASS CHANGE.

Austin, Texas was about as much of a 180-degree shift from my status quo as was possible. So that’s where I set my sights.

I moved out of my expensive-but-still-somehow-in-a-bad-part-of-town Los Angeles apartment and into my parents’ house 50 miles away in Orange County for a few months to save what little money I could (and braving the 4-hour round trip commuting to the production office in Glendale daily as a trade-off).

I remember the day I put in my two weeks’ notice at that production company. My boss, a producer who had done pretty well for himself, had gone on vacation (he went to his vacation house at least once a month, otherwise he would “go stir crazy!” he often said). I remember I was alone at the office on a Friday. And I mean ALONE alone. I had no co-workers. It was just me and my boss. Though, most days it was just me. All alone. In a small room. My boss liked to work from home mostly, and he had the freedom to do so.

On this particular Friday, I asked if I could work from home. Doing so would save me four painful hours of driving in L.A. traffic. We weren’t a busy office. People didn’t stop by. People didn’t call. We seldom got packages and if they were important (a delivery of assets from a studio or something) I sure as shit knew if they were coming. But my only project on that day was writing research reports for Sully. So, yes, I could have done my job from home. My boss could have done me a HUGE solid by just saying yes to my simple request.

Still, my boss said no. He didn’t feel “comfortable” with me working from home even though it was 2016 and the internet had been invented decades earlier. Besides, what if an office emergency came up?!

Narrator voice: An office emergency had never come up.

I said, “Okay.” And I spent that day in the office. By myself. Pouting. Lamenting my lack of freedom and control over my own life. All while my boss was sitting in a hammock, strumming one of his many vintage guitars at his vacation cabin in the mountains. This seems like a relevant time to add that this job did not come with health insurance.

I put in my two weeks’ notice that day.

I was 30 years old. And this shit was no longer worth it.

Two weeks later, I packed up my Volkswagen Rabbit (R.I.P.) with everything I owned. I didn’t own much. A friend would later call the fact that I was able to fit my entire life into a car “romantic.” I call it “poor.” I then embarked on the second major road trip of my life: the move from my home in California to my fresh start in Austin, Texas.

I didn’t know what the fuck was going to happen, but at least I was free.

Pictured: Tibor the Volkswagen Rabbit, named after the German man who sold him to me (and who replaced the Rabbit decal with a Golf decal for some reason).

Road Trip 2: The Great Escape

I drove from California to Texas in two days in a car that I wasn’t sure would even survive the trip.

The trip HAD to be two days because I didn’t want to blow what little money I had staying in hotels over the course of several nights. I didn’t have a job waiting for me in Austin – in fact, all that was waiting for me there was just one friend from California and a cheap two-month sublet to share with a stranger from Craigslist.

On Day One, I drove from Orange County, CA to Flagstaff, AZ because my friend Camille lived in Flagstaff and I stayed at her house. However, Flagstaff was nowhere CLOSE to being the halfway point between California and Austin. So my first day’s drive was just 7 hours. Meaning my second day… well, my second day was 15 hours and 1,026 miles of pure hell.

For one thing, the aux input in my car was broken and the only CDs I had with me were five Taylor Swift CDs. I know on the surface, that doesn’t seem THAT bad (after all, it’s better than silence, right?), but I listened to those five Taylor Swift CDs over and over and over again throughout the course of 22 driving hours, pushing myself to the brink of madness and back again several times over.

I tried listening to the radio, but when you’re driving through endless zero-population towns in West Texas, you can’t put a lot of faith in radio stations that play music even EXISTING. (Though, there are plenty of radio stations with loud preachers yelling about how most things are The Devil™.) So even though I was on a tight schedule, I made the time to pull over at a Wal-Mart and buy a CD – ANY CD – that wasn’t Taylor Swift. I purchased a Luke Bryan CD.

By the end of this ordeal, I would come to hate Luke Bryan as well.

(Note: I have since forgiven both Taylor Swift and Luke Bryan for what they did to me that day.)

But deeper than that, my Road Trip 2 lacked all of what made that first road trip great. I didn’t enjoy it the way I had before. This time, I didn’t take the trip slow and stop along the way to smell the roses and take pictures of interesting rocks I saw. This time, the trip wasn’t a walkabout. It was a mission, and a scary one at that.

What if I failed? What if I got to Texas and hated it, or couldn’t find a job, or ran out of money, or became a Republican? There was a lot for me to worry about on that drive.

After 15 hours, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I thought the drive would never end – especially in the late hours driving down endless empty two-lane roads in the pitch-black darkness of West Texas, with what I still maintain to this day were UFOs in the distance. I showed up at my Craigslist sublet at midnight, immediately rolled my sleeping bag out on the floor, cried for the 90 seconds I remained awake, and then passed out.

Pictured: my first Austin apartment. I slept on a mattress on the floor for longer than I care to admit.

The first thing that made me feel better after that sad-ass moving night was waking up the next day and being able to see some familiar faces. My friend Krista, who had moved to Austin not long before I did, swung by my empty apartment, picked me up and gave me a tour of the city. That helped make the transition remarkably easier. 

Pictured: my first meal on my first day in Austin at the now-defunct restaurant Bacon (R.I.P.) courtesy of tour guide, @kristadoyle​.

Also, as luck would have it, my friends from back home, Kyle and Iris, happened to be on vacation in Austin during that very weekend and we were able to meet up and do some touristy shit together. And again, that familiarity in a strange new place calmed my nerves immensely. I value my friendships above pretty much everything in the entire world and things like this are why. I like to think I’m pretty resilient on my own, but I’m far more resilient with help from my pals. I highly recommend friendship A+++ 11/10, 4 stars.

Pictured: Kyle, me, and Iris during my first weekend in Austin in the quintessential tourist destination -- Dirty 6th.

But once that introductory weekend was over, I had a lot of hustling to do. I didn’t have a job AND I only had enough saved to live comfortably for two months — which meant I had two months to make it work in Austin or I would have to crawl back to my parents’ house in California with my tail between my legs. The clock was ticking.

That Monday was the first day of SXSW, Austin’s major annual music, film, and tech festival. I had decided to move to Austin in time for SXSW because people on Reddit told me that if I wanted to network in Austin and find a job, I needed to be at SXSW. But badges to get into SXSW run upwards of thousands of dollars (which I did NOT have). So I got in the only way I could – by working for free. I volunteered for a week at SXSW and got a badge in return.

And for once, Reddit was right. I got two job offers that first week.

I knew then that everything was gonna be okay.

Still, the offers I was able to get weren’t ideal. I took a job doing customer support at a website in Austin while patiently biding my time for the job I REALLY wanted to open up: a content writer position at the startup where my friend Krista worked (also as a writer). She raved about how awesome it was and how, someday soon, they would probably hire more writers. So I waited all spring and summer for that probably. For six months, I looked something like this:

Then, finally, a writer position opened up and I pounced on it. I got the job and can honestly say, it’s one of the best things to ever happen to me.

This sounds pretty anticlimactic, I’m sure. There was this thing I wanted and I was patient and then I got it. But to me, it’s been pretty life-changing.

Working as a writer at a great company (Aceable – we’re hiring) is what I wanted all those years in Hollywood. And I just never quite found it. Sometimes I worked on projects that didn’t inspire me, sometimes I was doing work I was capable of, but not passionate about (hello, post-production), and more often than not, I worked for companies that didn’t challenge me or offer an actual career path. It wasn’t their fault necessarily, but a symptom of the small-production-company-grind that plagues much of Hollywood.

But by sticking around that kind of environment, I would always be doomed to this cycle of burning out and getting out, burning out and getting out, repeat times infinity. I’d always be looking for a temporary escape and it would never be enough – because I would never truly feel like I have control over my life.

Getting my job at Aceable was the validation I needed to finally stop feeling as though I was moving backwards rather than forwards.  

I never would have imagined as a kid who was OBSESSED with making a name for herself in Hollywood that I would find everything I was looking for in a career in the middle of Texas.

Oh yeah, and now I get to work from home WHENEVER I WANT.

There’s a saying that goes: Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.

I won’t say that my time in Hollywood was a “mistake” because, in reality, I HAD to do it – all of it. If I hadn’t, I never would have learned that it wasn’t what I wanted. Some alternate universe Desiree is out there, writing a blog where she laments never having taken the chance to pursue her film and TV dreams and then leaves behind her job as an astronaut to make it happen (what an idiot).

Besides, I had my fun. I did work on cool stuff. Working on the first film I co-produced, The Hopeful, gave me some of my all-time favorite memories and left me with some awesome friends that I still have today. I got the chance to work on my favorite show of all time, The Simpsons, and for that I’ll always be grateful. But all those pursuits had significant drawbacks and, ultimately, weren’t sustainable, like a lot of film/TV career paths (but that’s a whole OTHER conversation for another day). It turns out my heart just wasn’t in it.

I also want to say, as I’ve said many times before (and y’all are probably sick of it but this is my blog, get your own) Austin is a really fucking great place. I like it here. I feel a sense of community and pride in my city for the first time in my life. My list of restaurants to try in Austin is NEVER-ENDING.  It’s gotten to the point where I feel guilty going to the same restaurant twice now because I’m always thinking, “Shit, I could be trying a new place instead.” Put simply: it rules.

So I’m in a uncharted territory going into the third major road trip of my life…

Road Trip 3: The Everything’s Actually Pretty Okay

For the first time, I’m not using a road trip as a motif for some kind of escape. Progress!

I’m packing up my Volkswagen Jetta for a trip across the southwest that will be part walkabout, but also part of it will include some much needed quality time meeting up with some good friends from California. It’s a regular, good ol’ fashioned vacation. And I’m super pumped.

As always, I’ll take the time to be alone with my thoughts because while I’m at a place in my life where I feel pretty settled in a lot of ways, let’s never lose sight of the fact that I am an always-buzzing ball of anxiety and need these little jaunts as a way to reset my brain. It’s for this same reason that I like to go camping a lot (though camping in Texas seems abysmal DON’T @ ME.)

I’ve always appreciated road trips for the head-clearing they allow me to do.

I’ll take little weekend trips here and there for a breather.

There was the time when, on a whim, I drove from L.A. to the Grand Canyon because I had spent months pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into writing an awards show that turned out ABSOLUTELY AWFUL (read aaaallllllll about it here). 

There was the time I drove from Austin to Scott, Louisiana (the boudin capital of the world!) to clear my head after a summer on the dating apps broke my brain – damn you, Bumble!

And then there was the time I spent an entire day driving aimlessly through the rural areas outside of Austin the weekend after the 2016 election (ugh) to calm my nerves with the sight of pastoral landscapes and the taste of out-of-town BBQ before the impending unraveling of American democracy began.  

Road trips clear your head, man. They’re underrated. Whenever I tell people I’m going on a road trip, they tend to say things like “Oh no, all that driving! Hope you have plenty of audiobooks all lined up!”

And I’m like… no.

I don’t want to distract myself. The whole point is the solitude. I like the solitude.

I like that there is NOTHING to see sometimes.

I LIKE THE NOTHING.

I really believe that being in new places forces you to think differently than you normally do, and from those departures away from your normal thought patterns come your best ideas and your inspirations for growth.

My life is definitely FAR from perfect and I still have about a MILLION flaws that I have to constantly work on, but with freedom comes the time, energy, and ability to do just that.

So I guess that’s what makes Road Trip 3 different – I’ve got some freedom in my life and with it, I just want to see some cool shit and spend time with people I love, relax out on the open road, take some pictures of some interesting rocks I see, and know that when I get back to Austin, I’ll be happy to be back in Austin.

I can’t say that things will always be like this (who can?), but this is how things are right now.

Also I wish to purchase one (1) marijuana when I arrive in Colorado. IT’S LEGAL, MOM.