#at this point its like. i dont even wanna try im tired of dealing with the pain

[nerice]

i MISS drawing

[bones-of-a-rabbit]

u can never have too many au ideas (aka the cursed-sun/moon au)

(im copy n pasting this from discord bc im lazy sorry y'all fsjhf)

other au idea: Sun is a ruler or lord in a fantasy world or smthn and Moon is the form he's been Cursed into turning into each night. Reader is a low-tier magic-weilder (who has a secret past that involves smthn rlly Bad and they used to have a reasonable amount of respectability in th community but now theyre shunned and cant get a job anywhere and also has a big scar and/or only one eye lol) who's one remaining ability is the ability to lift minor curses or plagues. Sun has been searching for someone who can 'bless' the curse of Moon (or whatever is making Moon be nasty murderous bloodthirsty man) for ages but mages r rare and most of them spend maybe one night trying to cure Moon before either getting got or being scared into getting tf outta there

so eventually word reaches Sun of a mage who's been looking for work, with the only catch being that they arent very powerful and no one has much to say abt them, and Sun, who has burnt every single thread he has trying to find a mage, is like GOOD ENOUGH CALL THEM HERE

and reader is like 'oh shit this is potentially a rlly good job, the only catch is that i have to deal w a demon possessed guy thats like twice my height and three times as strong,,' and like. bc they have Zero Options and also feel like their life has run itself into th ground and there is little left for them/no way to get themselves out of their Issues, they r like 'yeah sure its gonna take a while bc i can only perform minor magic but i'll do whatever i can to see that this curse is delt with'

and instead of trying to face Moon head on, they start with just kinda,, getting to know him. he's kept chained/locked away in a chamber every night to keep ppl safe, but every night reader goes into the chambers, sits at a tea table just out of his reach, and just. talks with him

they dont entertain his trying to mess w them, taunting, cruelty, etc, but they talk when there's the chance for standard conversation. at first it's hell bc Moon is a little shit and he never cooperates. he never answers questions, he spends the entire night threatening to tear them apart and savor their insides, etc. they bring him a cup of tea every night, and every time he smashes the cup and throws the pieces at them

ok well point is eventually Moon starts to mellow out around them, will actually sit and have conversation with them, one day is like 'you think i dont know what youre doing?? youre just trying to bore me into falling for ur trap so u can kill me. i like ur style but its not gonna work >:3'

and reader is like 'i literally do not have enough magic to kill a toad let alone a whole entire possessed person' and moon is like ',, huh. so what IS ur goal here??' and reader is like 'i want to lift ur curse for both u and Sun's sakes. i gave u my word, and i will follow through, at the very least to clear my own conscience of a past sin'

and so eventually Moon, out of curiosity, and later bc he likes spending time with reader, starts letting them cast the healing magic on him, breaking the curse little by little every night

and at the same time all this is happening, reader is spending mornings and evenings with Sun and keeping him up to date on how the process is going and, eventually, becoming the person he turns to when he's stressed or tired or rlly just wants company

and idk smthn smthn eventually both of them rlly want Reader and they dont know how to act so they just b making fools of themselves but reader is a dumbass so theyre just confused

(Moon absolutely tells Reader abt every 'oh man i rlly wanna kiss kiss snuggle smooch the mage rn' thought Sun has during the day but Reader is so used to Moon being a little shit n making shit up to mess with them that they r just like ._. )

the plot twist part,,

(the secret dark past that reader is hiding is that they used to be a local mage for a nearby town who was known and respected for giving 'blessings' to ppl for small fees but one day for Reasons, they cast a curse upon someone and one of the biggest no-no's a mage can do is Curse someone so the town practically rioted, tore them down from their pedestal, called upon another mage to strip reader of their magic, and then cast them out)

(rn im considering the idea that the person reader Cursed is Vanny, who, because of her own curse, eventually went on to be the one who cursed Sun and Moon)

[baby--b4t]

hey pookster i’m just leaving this here because I know you’d do justice if you ever made it into a minific :3

kaveh absolutely LOVES horror/creepy things, especially when regressed, but alhaitham can’t do it. like CANNOT.

sincerely, 🐠fishie anon :3

OH MY GODS ANON YOURE SAVING MY WRITERS BLOCK RN (º̩̩́⌣º̩̩̀ʃƪ) im gonna try and write a quick minific in hopes that itll make me wanna post more and work on my bots. ALSO TY FOR THINKING SO HIGHLY OF ME- i feel like my writing is mid but ill try my best for this silly idea (its super late as of replying to this so sorry if its a bit jumbled or doesnt make sense-)

(fic under cut)

Kaveh was supposed to be in bed hours ago. 5 hours and 38 minutes, to be persice. Alhaitham had been counting. He did everything he though would work to get Kaveh to finally lay down, close his eyes, and rest, but nothing was working. Warm bottle, bedtime stories (he had read 7 different stories at this point), and even trying different stuffed animals and pajamas. Nothing. Alhaitham was exhausted.

“Hayi? Do da tree birdies sleep? Wha’ about… Oh! Wha’ about da creepy crawlies in da kitchen?” Kaveh had been asking nonsense questions like these all night, part of the reason he was still awake at nearly 4 in the morning.

“I dont know, Kaveh. What I do know-… Wait, whats in the kitchen?” Alhaitham began to answer before he registered what kaveh had said. He sat up in the bed a little bit and looked down at Kaveh. “What did you just say is in the kitchen?”

“Da creepy crawlies!” Kaveh excitedly exclaimed, a wide smile forming behind his pacifier. “Dey have 6 leg, 3 eye- BIG eyes, and are really teeny tiny. Dey walk around in da dark and eat da bread! Dats why it has all da holes.” Kaveh started giggling, his tiredness clearly showing in his speech.

Alhaitham felt puzzeled. More than when he was trying to figure out why Kaveh wasnt sleeping yet. But what was getting to him the most was the though of some spider-like creatures crawling around in his food while he didnt look. He shuddered, the thought of bugs in general making him feel gross. He rubbed up and down his arms for a moment, trying to get rid of his goosebumps, before pressing further into this. Surely it was Kaveh just being silly… Right?

“How do you know this? Who told you about these… ‘Creepy crawlers’?” Alhaitham asked as he tried to fight the tiredness in his mind. This whole talk took a turn that was not helping his already fatigued state of mind.

“Dey told me! I got mad ‘cause my sandwich had holes, and I asked and dey told me.” Kaveh explained trough slurred giggles and mumbles. “Dey very small, so is easy to make holes. I scolded dem like you always do for da holes…” The more Kaveh explained, the more Alhaitham imagined a ton of ant-sized abominations crawling around their pantry. He shook his head and tried not to gag.

“Kaveh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the ‘creepy crawlers’ arent real. You probably dreamt about them at some point.” Alhaitham tried to explain to Kaveh, but Kaveh didnt seem to want to believe it.

“What?!” He sat up in the bed with Alhaitham, jaw dropping and his pacifier almost falling out. “But.. But dat were so cute-“ He felt himself tearing up over the fact that the little creatures he thought were so adorable werent actually real. Alhaitham sighed, realizing that now he had to deal with a meltdown.

“How about you go to sleep so you can dream about them? Does that sound like a good idea?” He suggested as he tried to coax Kaveh into laying down again. The poor baby was so tired at this point he didnt realize that Alhaitham was moving him. It did seem to stop his oncoming waterworks, however.

Kaveh gave a small nod and snuggled back up with Alhaitham. It seemed like as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was in a deep sleep. That baffled Alhaitham. How in the world would Kaveh be so willing to dream about thousands- No, millions of little spiders in his food? If Alhaitham saw them, he would already have a match in hand to burn the house down.

However, Kavehs great big imagination never failed to impress Alhaitham. He just seemed to show it so much more whenever he regressed. A soft sigh came from Alhaitham, just accepting it. His little Kaveh would just have that sort of creepy imagination and he couldnt stop it… But he would still be checking the entire house for bugs when they woke up. No ‘creepy crawlers’ get to live rent free.

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

Yeah so that’s what I meant just because ‘everyone’ hates them (terrorists organisations) doesn’t mean they stop, they still kill many and it’s okay if you don’t stand up for the victims because they aren’t ‘your people’ so then why do you and your people spread so much hate and use terrible words for people who stay neutral, those who don’t do or say anything from either side? As it was your logic to not say anything for people undergoing attacks other than the one in Palestine since it has nothing to do with you and there are apparently enough people to support and voice them, so is the case for non-islams regarding the current matter, I don’t get it why so much of double standards? Y’all can’t stop your own people then what are y’all expecting from others which okay is still fine but calling them really really terrible stuff, swearing at them, cursing them for not even saying a single thing, really? Why is everyone forced to have a say, maybe if your community showed the same amount of dedication to go against the terrorist organisation under the name of your religion, maybe just maybe it would have made a difference (if you’re wondering why I’m talking so much about muslim terrorists, it’s because the place I live in has had to go through ALOT because of them, I don’t talk of the others). I get it what is happening with Palestine is definitely wrong but why doesn’t this amount of care and consideration not happen for victims everywhere from everyone? Why then do you choose to stay neutral and not say anything and why we are forced to say something ? please make some sense.

babes, youre rambling. if its fine can you summarize it a bit? ill try to respond but like. youre throwing comeback after comeback. its kinda hard keping up??? im tired from exams n my attention span is low

it’s okay if you don’t stand up for the victims because they aren’t ‘your people’

see, i said theyre not my people as a clarification. bc im muslim, but i dont consider them to be muslim. that is separate from my reason as to why i dont talk about "muslim" attacks. my reason was because everyone knows those organizations are wrong, so theres no point in clarifying it.

why do you and your people spread so much hate and use terrible words for people who stay neutral, those who don’t do or say anything from either side?

i personally dont. not anymore. because after a lot of thought on it, i personally understood why people may not comment (e.g. for their safety). i no longer bear any hostilities to people who stay neutral. cant say anything anything on anyone else's behalf.

calling them really really terrible stuff, swearing at them, cursing them for not even saying a single thing, really? Why is everyone forced to have a say

same as i said before.

maybe if your community showed the same amount of dedication to go against the terrorist organisation under the name of your religion, maybe just maybe it would have made a difference

see, i really dont get what you mean by "your community". if you mean my (muslim majority) country, it literally has zero terrorists. literally. bc the police is so harsh, patriotism and loving peace is built into us from day one, men have to go thru military training, SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE they dont want anyone to align themselves with those terrorist ideals.

if you mean us as muslims, in islam its our job just to be pious and treat people well. yes, a tiny percentage end up terrible, but with 2 billion of us, if one percent is terrible its still going to be a large number. muslims mostly have the mindset of "let god deal with them" which is why you wont see many speaking up against terrorists

if youre talking about arabs as a whole, the issue is (and i can go into a whole rant about this) most of them have been fucked since the british n french messed with us like a hundred years ago. its why iraq is a mess, its why palestine-israel is a thing. i know youll wanna say "they can still speak against these organisations" but habibi, the arabs are so divided. they cant unite over anything. not even speaking up against israel, which is literally attacking an arab country, so how can you expect them to be able to speak up against muslim terror groups? (not excusing it, by the way, just i think this is the reason why)

by the way, they do speak against terrorist groups. the muslim brotherhood is designated a terrorist group by bahrain, egypt, russia, saudi arabia, the uae, and syria. only one of those isnt muslim majority + isis is designated a terrorist group by egypt, jordan, syria, the uae, kuwait, saudi arabia, iraq, tajikistan, kazakhstan, azerbaijan, and even AGHANISTAN OF ALL PLACES. i could name more but you get my point, i think

if you’re wondering why I’m talking so much about muslim terrorists, it’s because the place I live in has had to go through ALOT because of them

i understand. and i can tell youre really passionate about this. just a question anon, what exactly are you trying to say here? bc youre so full of emotion right now (maybe bc this is personal to you) that everythings coming out at once and its not rlly making sense.

would you mind telling me your thoughts in one or two sentences? like i can tell your mad abt this situation, but why? is it that you dont like the way arabs/muslims (please specify which instead of saying 'you people') react to "muslim" terrorist groups? or the whole thing about getting mad at those who stay neutral? itd rlly help me if you specified

[docilepillow]

MARCH 2024 MEDIA DIARY 2

I ran out of embed space on the first post i had slotted in for this!!! So i'm making two posts!!!!!!! They belong together!!!! Okay!!!!!!! PIZZA TOWER < this game is soggy goop >

Even though I cleared a good portion of this game nigh a year ago now, i still feel compelled to put it on my media diary now, as i've only just got around to finishing the game properly! I believe the point i dropped off the game before was at Pig City, which, i think , is kinda understandable given how big that level is, but, was probably a real bummer for the whole of my friend group who were super into the game when it was new and i probably missed out on talking about it alot with them... POOP!!!! just because this game is popular enough to actually warrant talking about it with my friends later, instead of saying stuff like how i enjoyed the silly cartoony art stlye and the games general charm, im just going to post a level tier list i made the second i beat the game at like near midnight kinda hazy-minded without thinking on it too hard without thinking too deeply in a way thatll be completely inflamitory bc im mostly satisfied with the experience i had and dont really feel the urge to P rank anything --

The stats are saying my total hours round up to 6 hours 50 and pepinno is pointing at me Aughh

My , , Errr, " CRITISISM " of this game is that the funny pizza man is a little, erm, STICKY? Kinda gross. a little weird. Partially my fault. I'm sowwy. I'm not very good at this game but i absolutely respect everyone's opinion on it . Go watch my friend @shoppncart's speedrun, by the way, it's cool :

Speedy! THE MARIO MOVIE < the bario boooby geheheheheheheh >

this is probably a tired opinion but since i was subjected to this movie for the fifth time in a voice call my take is thaat this is probably more enjoyablel then the safeass illumination film. like. yea. that films probably objectively better but. id rather watch something thats an actual adaptation. like this movie. where basically nothing mario happens outside names . Aw. i honestly think this movie has intrigue to it genuinely maybe im saying this bc its one of the movies ive actually watched repeatedly before, like roger rabbit, but i think the history behind this movie and the old anamocity turned-endearment are what make it worth watching. that and its a little goopy You Guys Wanna See Some MM2 Proggys? not a new piece of media technically but ive been playing a fuckton of MM2 recently still as of the end of the month and its absolutely dominating my time as of late, and i kinda wanna show off a small amount of the progress ive made on it, as much as the world map, at least --

It's a media diary. it exists to document MY gaming life. Deal. anyway in regards to it i'm almost finished with the world 4 castle, which is crazy, because before i hadn't even finished world 2, but now i got all of this creative energy in me... If i finish this soon enough, i'd be able to upload it on NSO, so keep your tumpler eyes peeled, mutrals :J I personally like it because theres a theme of aescending on the world map. The space theme in this looks the best, i think.. THE ALCHEMY OF US - HOW HUMANS AND MATTER TRANSFORMED ONE ANOTHER < what the fuck ????? a book ??????? >

yea thats right im reading books this ones actually pretty good apparently a 2020 bestseller though im not in the habit of reading those often so i'll just have to take their word for it on that aspect. i think lifes all about trying new things so around halfway through the month i picked up this cool book i found at my library and got a library card. After reading through it all, i think anecdotally that this book is a very neat read. theres a few sentences that're a little offputting to my young mind but overall the book is filled with alot of cool insight i reccomend checking out if youre the boooky type of person! i think its very good and im glad i picked it out :) i donnu how many of these will be going onto my media diary in the future or anything , but maybe i will if i end up reading more! I'll have to make it up to a friendd for waiting till now to put up something i read here first before that thing she likes. oops.

Volp. OUTSIDE of the traditional media format again, also, are things i largely started on this month but don't think i'll be making all too much more progress in, or if i'm unsure i'll finish what i was doing all in one month- CASTLEVANIA THE ADVENTURE- REBIRTH

POINT OF DROP OFF - STAGE 4 END BOSS REASON BEING - UMMM SORRY I GOT DISTRACTED AND DIED TOO MUCH

castlevania rebirth is a really really cool game. its really cool and im not typing this as fresh as everything else because it was something i picked up for one big sitting earlier in the month. i probably couldve finished it at any point during the week, but simply was too distracted and wanted to do other stuff. It's very cool though, i love the vector sprite art, and there ARE silly stock sound effects everywhere, which is always a big positive for me . I mostly just like how snug the wii classic controller is , and this is a cool game to play it with considering its one of the only non virtual console or old game collection style games available for wii in this exact style ( Not counting the good handful of games that choose to use the wiimote on its side instead. )

over all ill probably sit down and finish this someday soon i just gotta like find time for it whenever next my wii u is plugged in ( it fights for an hdmi slot with my switch and ps4 all the time...! ), and ill probably end up trying to play punch out wii at the same time, given one doesnt dominate my attention over the other. From my understanding they're both short, though, so it shouldnt be too big a deal or obstacle no matter how long i put this off. RANDOM TERRARIA PLAYTHROUGH terraria playthru 1million

ii just really want to see the new terraria update Waaaah... i stopped having fun because i self imposed myself to not use setbonus armor sets at the part of the game where that stops being acceptable anymore so im stopping i think i did get to make another terraria pet though that makes me happy POINT OF DROP OFF - the mechanical bosses

also the most recent thing is

i got too tense and needed to excuse myself after like an hour 30 i cant take too much tension in movies i was really uncomfortable and had to leave to take a breather bc the main character gets put in a really really shitty situation and it was getting hard to watch for my autistic ass

thats enough i think thanks for coming see you next month lol

[stargazer0001]

there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is

like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.

but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!

Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.

and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'

like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.

[terraliensvent]

good gpd im so frustrated with stuff in terras rn. idont care anymore if they know who i am im jyst. so so frustrayed. its so hard to get stuff u want without spending money and im really lucky i have 3 terras. but oh god its so frustrating seeing people ask for. what even was it. asking for 14 myos. for 1 terra. it makes me so unvelievably angry!!

not tomention the way terra staff picked all the people who werent that active in chats. but just because they knew eachother well and were friends. it makes me lose hope for ever being a syaff and helping make this cs a little better :(

also how terra gas are always peopel with super detailled "pop" styles. like yeah youre picking smaller artists but.. yhey all have very similar styles and. its discouraging to someone with a chibi style who just really likes designing terras. it makes me wanna leave so bad.

and i. i cannot handle some of the members sometimes. some members will talk about how they dony have much money, like someone said they didnt have money for something. then immediately after bought a terra??? i mean i get that it can be addicting n stuff but. its so so frustrating oh god.

especially when people like. are talking about stuff and someone mentions something cpmpletely off topic. i could understanf if!!! maybe !! they asked nicely for a topic change and left it at tht but. ive seen people spam their own topics in the middle of another convo.

also i dont even wanna mention the trading scene. its insane. man i. ive been condidering leaving for sonlong mostly from members and specific staff. but. aughhhgg i love terras so much i just. wish i could make it better. i genuinely cry over it bc . i love terras so so much but its all going to shit . :C

im mostly just frustrated with dtaff constantly taking customs because if the staff customs channel and their new godly role. it sucks. it makes people feel like their artvisnt worth it, seeinh bids surpass thr hundreds while some camnot sell a fullbody for $5 just bc bias.

if staff see this, im sorry. i wish i didnt have yo go on a vent blog to say this. but i know saying it in the server would just get me silenced. please try to help with these issues seen here. and im genuinely so sorry, i really want to help, but this is the only way i can help now: giving criticism. i hope things change and i can enjoy terras again. i also hope staff are okay, i do not eant this to be mean or stressing in any way. :C [sorry for the typos mod i am very shaky rn and in a bus and carsick so im trying to fix them as mucj as i can. and ty for dealing witg all the drama.]

im sorry youre having such a bad time anon, it can be difficult once you realize all the deep cracks within the foundation of something you like

youre right in saying the trading scene is absolutely insane rn, people have decided that myos arent as powerful of a trading chip anymore but theyre still just as difficult to get, what the FUCK would someone even need 14 myos for

the staff has always been cliquey, if youre not in their little friend group you might as well be dirt, and theyre so biased toward pop artists, thats why kiwi rot was allowed to make a feral terra custom even while the hammer was coming down hard on them.

members are so rude and im tired of people pretending theyre not. at some point you gotta wonder how many times someone will breach social contract again and again regardless of every single time theyre politely told to wait their turn, just say you want to butt in and be done with it. ive never seen so many people absolutely unable to actually pay attention to the conversation at hand and it really seems like they just want to hear themselves talk

staff as a role is just a pretty little modifier to say “im elite, now drop $100s on my customs so you can immediately trade it off and say ‘looking for staff swaps ONLY if you offer me anything else u r getting blocked xoxox’”, none of them actually really use the new role to bring new viewpoints to the species or to make systems move faster, if they were then youd think we would actually have implemented more site functionality than one single fucking forage button and people wouldnt have to wait upwards of 2 weeks to get a myo design approved

terras biggest downfall is that every single person in the server is too sensitive for criticism and take it way too personally, that way everything gets silenced and nothing gets better.

personally anon, i suggest distancing yourself a bit. when i started moving away from the species and focusing on irl self improvement, i felt so much better (and started saving a lot of money)

[catnherthoughts]

ptsd in romantic relationships 12/18/23

this is not fair to you and i apologize. there is nothing you have done to me as far as i've known. this weight coming onto you is not what you deserve. i should be sorry that i am the one you love*. you don't even know it! you have no clue and as much as i'd love for it to stay that way i don't know if i can keep hiding these panic attacks. but how am i meant to tell you. it's not a good thing and i'm meant to be good. i am as good as i can be because you picked me an made me yours. you gave me something i've been searching for for years and i have to nerve to feel any sort of way? it's been a very long time since i've been in therapy. i think that you can infer from some things. you aren't dumb, in fact you're a capricorn. with a cancer moon. god you are great.

i remember when we were in the car and you said you've never really had any sort of real emotional turmoil. you've never thought of suicide. never been abused to a degree that was severe. that is so nice. i was so grateful that you never had to experience something like that. you don't have any sort of weight on you. then immediately after i thought to myself. i have thought of it. there were days, weeks, months, years where it's all i thought of. more times than i'd like to admit that i've tried and for some reason unbeknownst to me all failed. all of them failed for me to come to you like a battered puppy inside.

you don't know what happened to me. how they hit me and what i was forced to take and how i was manipulated. i was meant to feel like i wasn't a person. that is what love is to me. i am scared everyday that you are going to do the same and that is not fair to you. you are nice to me. such a great partner. how could i ever think that way. i feel so horrible about myself when you say something stupid and i think about how you could be trying to manipulate me or trying to do something to me. when we got high over the phone and u joked about gaslighting i laughed it off but i almost went into a panicked frenzy.

i don't deserve you. i can't pretend like i am not who i am. you don't know me at heart and i don't even know if i can tell you. how is this gonna work. you don't get it and i don't want you to. no one has ever really loved me without repercussions to my psyche. i have scars on my body from everyone i've ever loved, whether self inflicted, inflicted by them, or mental. im so tired. i dont deserve you i should kill myself. you don't deserve a girlfriend like me. you deserve a girl that is okay mentally, no attempts under her belt, a normal girl. so you guys can love each other and you don't have to deal with this. i don't even want to deal with it. i don't want to tell you but i think after we break up i may do it. i got the love i've been longing for and i've been so tired of keeping going. you don't deserve a dead girlfriend. maybe i'll do it a few years after we break up so u don't think its your fault. if anything its the opposite. you're delaying the ineviatable by being such a good person.

i haven't been good at all. i'm a bad person. i can say that the world molded me this way but that is an excuse i chose not to take. there is something wrong with me in the soul after being thrown around the way i have. you don't deserve someone like me. if i had a gun i'd do it right now and leave you a long letter about how you were such a great boyfriend and how you helped me through what i'd never tell you about and all the things of that sort. i think that i was meant to perpetually be abused so that i can take all i can possibly take and then reach a breaking point where my method of choice actually goes through. i'm sorry that i am me.

gray text: ohh, guessing u don’t wanna talk about it

blue text: i don't want it to seem like i don't tell you why i feel some ways sometimes because of anything against you. there is just a good amount of things you don't know ab yet and eventually you'll know ab it all but i just get anxious that you won't look at me the same plus i don't wanna like burden u with this stuff i can deal w myself. i trust you a lot and rlly do appreciate you very much.

im so sorry that we met and you liked me.

[paopuofhearts]

Time for some personal emotion dumping on being Native and Jewish.

(Dont comment with some "wow this is an unfair take" bullshit you will be blocked because fuck you its not about you, even if you're Native and / or Jewish, this is my personal frustration that I am sending to the void because Im tired of only talking to my partner about it).

Lets start with I fucking hate everyone on all sides because literally no one wants to struggle through shit to actually build bridges, they just want to sit in their "I'm right your wrong" or "I'm afraid for valid reasons" camps.

Like.

I know the internet isn't real (by which I mean the internet is not a trustworthy or reliable source of information and the internet is not at all any form of activism space). But god it fucking sucks to just be continuously bombarded with either:

- Israel has done nothing wrong

Or

- We can't be bothered to do anything productive because people are mean and dangerous to us in progressive spaces

Which. I get it. I really fucking get it. But at the same time: why the fuck isnt anyone working to do anything about it?

Like. Im in a pretty fucking liberal city. I teach. And a lot of the shit I teach is dealing with handling current events and indigenous issues - including starting from scratch and introducing basic vocabulary to people about what things mean (from Indigenous and Settler-Colonialism and Nation States to Zionism and Native Identity and Basic Judaism).

Half the adults I work with refuse to consider anything but their own ideas, and students take after that. Thats fair for students, to an extent, but like - adults? In an education setting? Where we're literally spending time talking about Empathy and Community Building and Restorative Justice - and you refuse to fucking listen to anyone but yourself? (And its not just White people - its Black educators, other Native educators, the whole fucking spectrum).

Then I go out to help with movements in my city and I have to hear bullshit about how Zionism Is The Devils Work while trying to support groups pressing for a ceasefire.

Then I go to my synagogue and when it's not being evacuated due to shooting threats no one wants to talk about what's happening and they actively start to cold shoulder you for bringing it up.

So I try for other Jewish community works only to get bombarded by people online with "wow you're a traitor they're using you it's co-opted".

Like.

Fucking hell.

There's no such thing as Purity Politics. It isn't realistic to think Israel will be dismantled. It isn't realistic to think Palestinians will be moved. It isn't realistic to expect that the activist work you do that goes for good reasons won't be full of people there for wrong reasons.

But damn does everyone wanna fucking judge and isolate people for trying.

Honestly at this point Im just like. Fuck my Jewish community for refusing to engage. Fuck my Native community for refusing to be compassionate. Fuck my online community for perpetuating this shit. And fuck everyone who thinks its a black and white situation where there can only be one winner.

Im exhausted and I hate everything and I hate that doing anything positive is so heavily scrutinized and dragged over the coals as some sort of disloyal deception.

[tillinghastcorporatemedia]

Often Dystopia (And how its gonna affect my art)

As much as there are some seriously good dystopian fiction. (yes im enamored with sci-fi) personally to me it almost feels tired but i understand the appeal and popularity

But how does this effect my art, and turn TillinGhast Corporate Media

Well first let me explain what TillinGhast Corporate Media is

TGCM was and is me taking what little part of my previous project that never took off and i never made it very far with, Tillinghast

Tillinghast was my outlet for my anger and isolation, and originally began after the death of my grandfather and the falling out of the people i had tried to gather for a band

I had written an ep dealing with my loss and an album that was inspired by election day 2016 and the amount of anger that i felt towards the establishment that i was already growing increasingly tired of

I ended that project after 2-3 years of trying to find vocalists/funds/and start making art

after that died i didnt touch any project and just wrote shitty electronic again, much like everytime i get bored with writing metal, but this time i had much more fun making just beeps and boops with no expectation of vocals and just making basic looping music

So where did TillinGhast Corporate Media come from?

If you notice i did keep the tillinghast name, as i found out when i first started this solo shit, isnt wasnt in use by any active musicians, and i only found one band that hadnt been active in over 8 years

But i wanted something new

something different

So i kinda let my focus on music, the thing i had been doing for over 10 years, go to the side to try and create elsewhere, right at the beginning of 2020

the first thing i thought i would try?

Writing a book

Which as a lot of people on here know, is really really really really really fucking hard to do, especially when you start this shit working a 9 hour overnight shift and writing on days off while everyone else you care about is asleep

And in figuring out what i had wanted to write then, i decided to not go big, but to try and keep me entertained, i needed more than just a few characters

So using a small chunk of info i had written down when i was trying to get into dnd and make my own scifi version of the game, i created a few planets, each with different species and histories and lore and economies

and i made a decision

Each planet would have different stories

to try and keep me entertained

which worked for about a year, and i havent updated since because i have trouble making myself create anything other than music, but i dont wanna get too recent or on a tangent

But why the name TillinGhast Corporate Media?

Well, because it sounds cool as shit. I used to love vaporwave and alternative genres and anything i could find that was "weird"

but also at some point i decided that if i do ever blow up, i want to hire other creatives and actually pay them well, and give them a place to really get out a message for the future

But its just me

So i get to have all the say

at least for now

But why a universe you ask? Why is this so damn long? Get to the point?

well at least for two of those im trying to be verbose and explain myself, and honestly if you read this far i love you and hope that youll stay here on this journey with me

I've always wanted to be part of a group, art creative, touring band, etc.

Ive gotten close only once or twice, but ive always been diy and taught myself shit so i figured i wanted to combine all of my loves into one thing, one giant sandbox where i can be creative in my decisions

And once again, i didnt want it to be just me. So TillinGhast Corporate Media will always be changing and evolving as i learn more about this giant world im having to navigate

I will say there will probably errors or fails, but i want this to be inclusive and open and loving so other people can use this as a means to escape, if even for a little bit, the harsh reality we all face.

Much like i got an escape in music and books as a kid and teenager

So why a universe? because a universe is big and can hold many stories and many perspectives, much like a library can hold many different pieces of knowledge

So to get to the final point, for those of you who actually made it this far based on the title

TillinGhast Corporate Media both as myself and as a future idea or brand

at least for now

Will not ever be a dystopia story

I have not forced myself to change and grow and evolve and continue to sit in my negativity and apathy and just general poopy pants view of the world

To not try with all my might to maybe write something that while not a utopia, is not dystopia and imagines a brighter, better, future where people maybe dont have to worry about as much, because they learned from our awful horrible past and actually refuse to repeat any of it

To try and make this more about characters and stories and music and the things that make myself and others smile, instead of regurgitated dystopias where even basic life is rough

does this mean everything will be all flowers and butterflies and my little pony?

absolutely the fuck not

Truth is often stranger than fiction and anything can happen even in a shiny place, but the point is to not be a negative nancy and have a bunch of shitty stuff going on all the time

One of the planets is a floating colony with what little remains of the human race

One planet is basically in the middle of an uprising of an exiled group

The book im writing (kinda spoilery but idk if ever ill finish this damn thing) literally has an act of terrorism being planned from someone who was radicalized by a really bad group that is basically space religion and its many parallels

All of my short stories are slice of life stuff that happens in a few scenarios where each character reacts to an outside force

But this wont ever be some dragged out for purely entertainment type angsty or edgy or anything like some books do with trauma

i want to look at stuff like we're building to something better, not something worse. optimistic but not utopia or something like that

(honestly this point ive already kinda gotten myself choked up so im gonna wrap it up)

But TillinGhast Corporate Media is basically my idea for a better future

and maybe im wrong and my stuff sucks and i need to change it

i have no idea because no one really follows my shit

so i just do what i want within the dumb boundaries and expectations i place on myself

but it is has been better before and it will get better again, and i am tired of that place being only in my head

so im creating this big huge universe with aliases that i call "artists" so it looks like there is actual musicians in this universe, i at one point started on a medium length animation series, and im trying to use my shitty computer to learn 3d shit

So stick around, at least you'll get some music out of it

and on that note i will mention i do have a few singles and 2 albums out, all of which is on youtube and streaming sites (its on spotify but i fucking hate spotify both as a company and some of the people they sponsor stream on any other site please you'll give more money to your favorite artists)

[zhuhongs]

Hello everyone. omnibus update. oh my god am i tired but i legit dont even have a bed bc my cousin is.. not v helpful at all. soooo where do i start. lol.

Okay i got outta quarantine at 11 and took a taxi to my dorm. BUTTT my dorm building is located on a street that has a very busy street market. so i was dropped off a little bit further down and the driver told me it was down there and i thought i knew where it was do i confidently walked down a busy busy street with two monster luggages and got lost and almost hit with a scooter until a VERY NICE uncle helped me find the place. Then i checked in. which was ... interesting bc i came at the same time as a dude from shanghai. and the dorm leader was very... laid back and took her sweet time to check ne in. thus was fine but i was like... nervous lol. anyways, afterwards i talked to her and told her yk. why im here, that i speak chinese a bit. she was v nice and friendly. she told me all my roommates are out but theyre all japanese. which is funny bc like... i practice chinese SO MUCH to be like.. here are ur roommates. speak in jpn which. i can do. but LOL. so i go in, i fought with the door. so fucking much. omg that door beat my ASS. LIKE NO OTHER. no one was there. i barely got my things set up and wrote a note and left on the door bc i had orientation right after. and i thought like. oh okay just go pay my fees. get my schedule and leave. NOPE. i go in, I'm immediately doing a verbal interview to gauge my language abilities even tho i already took a placement test. and theyre like. cool, the class for ur level is going on. Right Now so uh. go to class. girl i was do hungry. so i go, sit in class for 3 hrs (not bad im just tired). My teacher is soooooo nice and very animated. i really like her. class is... a little higher than my level tbh. there was a lot i didnt know and it moves v fast... i feel so winded. But ik I'll be able to do it just fine. Oh yea i took the bus by myself and hhhh oh my god. the bus alone was so much. i sit down. wait for my bus. i thought i had the wrong one bc i saw a bus with my number on the opposite side and swore i was gonna miss the bus but i didnt. also i tried to give this old lady my seat and she scolded me by saying that she stands so much to keep herself healthy and then told me that i need to close my legs and sit up straight bc I'll look prettier. lmaooooo. and she told me not to be on my phone like the girl beside me. then the girl beside me asked me if i was a student and we had a conversation. she was very nice. helped me a lot she was japanese so it helped that i speak japanese a bit. there are. so many japanese students here. the guy i sit next to in class is japanese. i asked him his name but from his accent i knew he was japanese so i said "もしかして日本人ですか?" and he was like "はい! あなたも?!??" and i was like... nooo ofc not. and i explained i just studied it as a teenager bc i was a weeb. we talked abt anime. he likes bp which yk... unfortunate now but i doubt this random guy knows that whole deal. but yea, had many good pleasant conversations. tho nothing like deep connection but i didn't really expect that anyways. But yea, after i got out i was supposed to meet my cousins old roommate to get her mattress and fucking.. oh my god. nothing went right so my cousin was like... uh can u stay on campus till i get outta work and im like. uhhh thatd be 3 hrs and i rlly just wanna go back and lie down. and she didnt respond so i came back, met my roommates. which was... nice but kinda strange. there was a point they were kinda just all surrounding me and i was in a corner (like actually physically) trying to speak in half chinese half japanese. which was hard bc im just very disoriented. its been a long day and its only 7pm. but my cousin just got back to me abt the mattress. I'm meeting someone else at the dorms hopefully soon to get a mattress and then i can Finally SLEEP.... today gas been so much but in a very good way!!

[thisisanude]

crying my entire shift because i can’t deal with reality i regret being born there’s no escape any solution will hurt the people i love the most and every single solution hurts me a lot so i just want to die i really don’t want to be alive right now i feel more hopeless than anything else i feel like if i died right this second i would be completely okay with it and i haven’t wanted to die in so long it’s been a few years and i just want to numb myself and i can’t cuz my mom is here and i just want everything to be ok i just really want everything to be the way it used to be but it can’t it literally can’t i don’t know what changed i don’t know how this happened would this have not happened if we didn’t become long distance? would this have happened anyway? i am not a spiritual person really especially not in the crystal way but i kinda wanna get moldavite just to seee what will happen like they say you should get it when you’re ready to face whatever changes are meant to be in your life that are meant for you even if they’re extremely difficult and it feels like i need that right now i already feel like shit all the time might as well fuck it up and fully change the entire course of my life if it’s gonna happen regardless anyway. and if it’s not meant to happen regardless then maybe that willl help show that. i don’t know. will it even work. maybe it’s worth a try. i don’t know what im supposed to tell my family. i dont know what im supposed to tell my friends and coworkers and everyone i just want to drop dead right here right now in the middle of this urban right now and not deal with anything at all this is genuinely like the hardest thing ive had to go through that was in my control i think. like health scares of my family and my cat dying are the hardest things ive had to deal with that made me the most violently unwell but this is a whole different experience like i actually have no idea how to cope i cant tell anyone except for her and its not fair to her that im using her as a therapist kinda like telling her all these feelings both positive but mainly negative when its literally about her. and i feel like an awful person i just want to tell my boyfriend that he deserves better but thats literally my best friend like ive been with him for so long he knows everything about me he knows me better than anyone i think and im his entire life and i dont want to leave him i really dont i just wish i could have both of them but i have to choose and i feel like i already made my choice but i dont know how to live with it like it feels like there is no right choice at all God i’m so depressed like this is really making me unwell i wish i could turn back time and not have told her the truth but she kinda got it out of me but still it was my choice and i was making it real obvious too so it’s like fully on me like 100% and i feel so bad going back and forth about it i feel like maybe i should just leave her alone because it’s not fair to her that im having such conflicted feelings and it’s also not fair to him i feel like the right thing to do would be to take space from both of them and really think about things and puke bile and foam daily until i feel like i know what to do but GOD i’m selfish and i’m terrified and a pussy i don’t know how to do those things i don’t know how to do the right thing and i really don’t want to but also would that make me feel better than this because anything feels better than this like please can i feel even a crumb better im so tired of feeling this ba d i feel like im gonna puke every second of every day and burst into tears and it’s not fair nothing is fair i keep rereading all of my posts about her wondering how it even happened how that could’ve been possible and if it would’ve happened anyway at some point even if multiple factors didn’t go into play (her sister making comments, us being able to fuck again, my relationship switching to long distance after 5 years of seeing each other a lot more often) and ts like i can never know the answer to that really and do i even want to know

[kusundei]

i have a headache . haircut is fine i suppose like. i can live w this. honestly it just looks like? ajaxs? so i suppose we r matching. kinda looks like how i draw his hair??? definitely doesnt fit me though but hair always grows back^_^ will probably look normal and how i wanted it to before i leave for japan anyway. i just. am still. bothered from earlier. being here is making me. ill. a bit. i forgot about the smell. because she smells like him and jesus christ i felt my heart drop like bad. seeing her also made me the same amount of anxious i expected. was bad bcuz she kept talking to me and i wasnt thinking or registering anythint because i was so nervous??? oh and. the picture of him. on the mirror. but aside from that im okay^_^ just tried to ignore and not look st it im glad they moved locations and the other one got shut down because i think i can be okay like this

god forbid my mom is getting her hair done too though and jesus christ am i. im still. upset. because why did you start lashing me as soon as i got into the car??? complained and called me selfish?? dumb??? but i suppose it was expected. just like what the fuck??? like i can handle you pestering me about work and school and everything but everytime. its always. ajax. you bring him up every single time because you know thats how you’ll get a reaction out of me because i cant act unbothered when you do because what the fuck??? keep his name out of your mouth he wasnt even related to the fucking conversation??? pestering me because i wont tell you things but im not fucking lying to you im telling you the truth??? god forbid i dont ask him those things because why do i need to know that? and let alone why would I TELL YOU. why do you care why is there always a problem??? and youre so upset for what??? i didnt even do anything why am i always the one who has to deal with your moods?? youre always so angry anyway its jsut i didnt even do anything its so fucking frustrating im sorry and you lash me while youre driving??? like keep your hands on the wheel what the fuck is wrong with you??? and then you complain “ohhh so you dint wanna talk to me anymore?” like fucking obviously??? talking to you is like talking to a brick wall you do not listen. regardless of what im talking about regardless of if im telling you the truth or lying and its repeated REPEATEDLY its the same thing yoyre always so upset that we have to have the same conversation everytime but youre the one who starts it??? im sorry you always have a problem with me im trying. i truly am i just wish you could learn to realize that not everything youre thinking has to be verbalized. i do not need to be subjected to every thought you have you complain that i am quiet and dont talk but thats because if i do you would kill me for even saying anything. again i am fighting a losing battle with you every single time whats the point? so you have an actual reason to hit me??? like im not giving you that

but irs okay. it is. okay. i am fine. i am filled with love. we are leaving soon and i do not need to tweak or let it consume me. she will not be upset again when we get into the car and we will either continue to drive in silence or she will speak to me like a normal human being because she is calm and reasonable now. she is giggling w tina surely she will be okay in the car and amused. she will leave me alone and not pester me. my head hurts so bad though i feel sick and ill and im hoping thats just from. being tired and not eating and nothing else. but im okay. i will not tweak. i am normal. i am okay today can still be a good day because it was up until this point^_^ wasnt even this upset being told to walk home and then getting lashed after it truly was just. the insulting. the mentioning ajax and then hitting me. but its okay.! im okay ^_^

[how-gross]

2:37am — December 23, 2023

I’m so fucking sick of everything. Whoever said you life doesn’t end at seventeen was a fucking liar. I’m sick of this. All of this. I hate everyone and everything and I really just want to go to sleep, and never wake up.

It’s almost my second semester of my senior year of high school. My college application deadlines are coming up. Scholarship application deadlines are coming up. I might not even win some scholarships since I waited until the last fucking minute to apply— I DIDNT EVEN APPLY YET.

I wanted to apply for scholarships before the school year even started, that’s why my mom’s friend suggested. But the minute before I submit the application, my mom’s like, “wait don’t do it yet. Wait until we can do it together”. So I wait, but then other people are talking about getting scholarships, so I beg my mom to help but she goes ahead and tells me that her friend says I should do it myself. I FUCKING TRIED TO, BUT YOU TOLD ME TO WAIT UNTIL WE DO IT TOGETHER, SO I WAITED FOR YOU TO TELL ME WHEN YOURE READY TO DO IT TOGETHER. And then you want to tell me that you already have enough stuff on your plate so I can’t expect you to remember when to do those applications. But if I were to go up to you and ask you to do it, you’d be hostile or exhausted and either way I’d end up feeling bad. And then you want to turn the conversation around, asking me if I want to do applications tonight, but when I tell you I’m tired from the week alone — WHICH I AM. I AM TIRED. I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE FUCKING TIRED — you wanna say, “you made such a big deal out of it”.

YES. BECAUSE IT IS A BIG DEAL. I WOULDN’T HAVE COME TO YOU IF IT WASNT A BIG FUCKING DEAL. AND SOMEHOW THIS IS MY FAULT ALL OVER AGAIN. YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH A PERSON LIKE YOU. I HATE THAT IM SO FUCKING RELIANT ON YOU TO FUCKING SURVIVE.

And now, during Christmas Break, a fucking old lady wants to mention, “yeah, around this time scholarship deadlines are coming up”. Oh yeah, just what I wanted to hear. I know that already, shit-for-brains. You heard me mention scholarship applications, you see me trying to make the effort, you think I don’t know that applications are coming up? Why the fuck do you think I brought my backpack with me on fucking holiday break? And then when I try to apply for scholarships and get ahead on things, listing out the different ones I want to apply to, my mom’s like, “Let me check grammar before you submit”. But as I’m sending you the stuff to let you check, you can’t because you’re in a meeting. And then I try to talk about how I can stay organized by making a spreadsheet and asking you to help, you’re like, “I promise we will work on it together while I’m off”. But then, when I say we could work on scholarship applications the next day after you get off from work, you’re like, “do we have to do it tomorrow?”. YES. YES WE DO, BECAUSE AT THIS POINT IM GONNA BE FUCKING DROWNING IN DEBT. IM GONNA HAVE TO WORK FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. THIS AFFECTS MY FUCKING FUTURE AND YOURE TREATING IT LIKE ITS A FUCKING SIDE JOB. AND YOU WANT TO YELL AT ME FOR PROCRASTINATING AND SAYING I NEED TO WORK ON TIME MANAGMENT, BUT YOU DONT WORK ON TIME MANAGMENT YOURSELF. YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FUCKING EXAMPLE— SOME SHIT OF AN EXAMPLE YOU ARE.

My holiday break isn’t even my own. I can’t relax, at all. Because if it’s not schoolwork, then it’s college applications or scholarship applications, and if it’s not those, it’s family.

Oh by the way, forgot to mention, MY FUCKING GRANDMOTHER IS LIVING WITH US NOW. YEAH, CUZ MY FUCKING MOTHER DECIDED TO JUST PICK HER UP AND BRING HER TO OUR HOUSE, AND NOT BRING HER BACK HOME BECAUSE SHE CANT LIVE BY HERSELF SINCE SHE HAS DEMENTIA. And now my fucking grandmothers insistent on going by home, arguing with my mother, and I’m expected to take sides as usual. My mom’s trying to get me to be on her side and understand her issue, but it’s like; you lied to her and told her all this shit and you expect her to be okay with it? You know how she gets and how stubborn she is about her own independence, what the fuck did you expect when you lie to her, tell her she’s not going home at the last minute, and expect her to just deal with it? You do this shit with everyone; you make decisions for other people and expect them to just suck it up and deal with it, just be subservient to all your fucking needs. This is why I hate you. You don’t let others make their own choices.

And I get it, because my grandmother is too unstable to live by herself. She forgets things and asks for stuff multiple times. She mixes up her own medicine. She creates these scenarios in her head and believes they’re real. And it’s even harder on my mom because my aunt doesn’t do jack shit besides paying for groceries once in a while, and even then it’s half-assed. But for fuck’s sake, you could have handled it differently instead of just bullshitting your way through. Sure she probably would have reacted the same, but at least it wouldn’t have the added effect of, “dealing with this shit at the last minute”, and “being lied to”.

And yeah. It’s almost Christmas too. That’s fun. Fucking fantastic.

Everything is happening all at once, I’m overwhelmed, stressed and so close to just relapsing heavily, and I’m just expected to be okay with it? Just expected to suck it up and deal with it because everyone else is going through this and it’s hard on everyone, not just me? Everyone just expects me to communicate with my mom, like it’s the easiest thing in the fucking world— but you don’t have to fucking live with her. She doesn’t see you the same way she sees me. And that’s the fucking problem.

I hate all of you. I hate this. I hate everything and everyone and I just want it all to be over. I’m sick of this.

[pinkadork]

Why can't we just start over?

I feel I'm finally waking uo to shit and its just

None of it matters now

I dont wanna learn lessons to be good for someone else. I wanna learn how to be right for me and him.

I fucking wanna slit my own throat im tired of always talking too much i fucking cant ever just be happy with shit. I have to ruin every good thing or person to ever come my way. I dont want to just be friends I'll do it but fuck this shit is esting me from the inside out, and yeah i deserve it but fucking shit does it hurt. I can't do anything right. I can't even fucking not shut up long enough to let shit happen i gotta ask abunch of weird shit and be horny and gay about shit the whole fucking time. I hate mental illnesses i hate everything i hate myself. I'm just a person they know at this point.

Im tired of crying about the same shit

Im tired of waking up to not him. I just wanna fucking die and sometimes i feel like he wants me to die too. And he ahould im a pos. I make everything about myself like we arent both going through shit, i wanna walk into the freeway. I hate how bitter i feel at times and i wanna just die and not deal with anything ever again. I can't stop loving this nigga and it doesnt even matter to him, not that it should. At most its a "i feel bad" nigga i wanna jump out of my skin. I feel like like i have constant chest pains and my stomach locks up and i start missing tf out of him. Its like im a puzzle and and some one just took a chunk of middle pieces out. I dont enjoy shit unless im being delusional or high. Whats the point of trying to change shit anymore. I dont wanna be the best version of myself for someone else im never gonna stop being upset i couldnt be for him. I wasnt for him.and i wont be. I miss him. I miss his family. I miss our cats. Fuck the state i hate i have to go back to that fucking house. Im only alive rn because i have to send shit back. I managed to break my own heart and his. For what? Pride?ego? The last word? I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING I JUST WANT MY BOYFRIEND BACK

[second--chances]

..

so i did some research, uh.. and it uhm said to ‘write letters you’re never going to send’. it sounds fucking stupid but ill try it anyways.

[It lets out a sigh, a scrappy piece of paper beside them. As they open their mouth to speak, it picks up the paper and squints at the words.]

its been 15 days since you left and i miss you alot, so so much, its not even funny.. so much things are happening right now and all so fast as well. i learnt how to read and even adopted an ostrich at one point. im even getting fucking married. i wish you were able to be here too but i feel like uhm, we both know you can’t.. and despite all the good things that are happening, theres so much bad things too. 

i lashed out at icarus and adam- all because they fucking threatened to destroy your hat. i know its stupid but i just dont want to lose the only piece of you i have left. chance, my roommate, he ate the ostrich i adopted and then azzy bashed his face into the ground. now im alone..

[He pauses for a second, wiping tears from his eyes with his arm.]

i really wish you were here. im tired of having nobody here for me anymore. i just want you home dad. please. id do anything. i cant fucking cope and either anyone i talk to tries to kill me, kidnap me or just straight up ignores me. i cant deal with this dad, i want you back.. i wanna be able to hug you again or- or to even have you to talk to about flowers.

and i know its not possible but i’m allowed to dream aren’t i.?  i know that if you actually were here, youd be proud of me.. wouldn’t you? i know you would be.. i love you dad..

[Acheros stops completely after that, setting the paper down beside itself and bringing its knees up to their chest, only to hide their face with their knees. Sobs can be heard off of him, becoming louder and louder by the second.]