#bard is so boring at low levels

[nonbinaryurianger]

I'm actually really glad for this cloud test because it's giving me the opportunity to try classes I haven't leveled yet and learn which ones are actually fun at high levels.

so far I could take or leave black mage but bard and samurai are both fun so they'll probably be new foci of mine on live

[raeynbowboi]

HOW TO PLAY AS THE BELCHERS IN DND 5E

Today, we're going to explore how to build the Belchers as a DnD Party. Plus Teddy. We're not really going to touch on stats. Let's be honest, the Belchers aren't really great at anything. If we were building them accurately, they'd all be super low level and/or with terrible stats. But it's your character and your campaign, so you can make them more or less optimized as you see fit. They're also all basic Humans, so we're pretty much just focusing on their classes and subclasses.

BOB BELCHER

PALADIN OATH OF DEVOTION

Bob is largely defined by his principles and values. As Tina puts it, Bob is a good business owner, but a bad businessman. He cares more about providing a quality service and succeeding his way than making money. And in Little Hard Dad, he's shown to say "It's the principle of it" way too often. This to me reads as a Paladin. Given his belief in quality service and moral principles, I label him as an Oath of Devotion Paladin.

VARIANT BUILD

FIGHTER SAMURAI ARCHETYPE

Bob is pretty boring and straightforward, which makes Fighter really fitting for his personality. If he was going to model himself after anyone, he'd choose Shinji Kojima/Hawk. Thus, the Samurai archetype. However, if we're leaning purely into the boring practicality and straightforwardness of Bob, I might suggest Champion instead. It's the most Fighter-y Fighter you can build.

Regardless of his class, make sure to pick up proficiency with Cook's Utensils or the Chef Feat.

LINDA BELCHER

BARD COLLEGE OF DANCE

Telling Linda Belcher not to sing or dance is like telling Tina not to talk about horses or telling Bob not to cook. It's just not going to happen. She loves the theater, she sings all the time, and she was once in an amateur garage band. All the makings of a classic bard. Given her love of dancing, I went with the College of Dance.

TINA BELCHER

CLERIC LIFE DOMAIN

Tina is the family member who puts the most stock in things like fate, true love, karma, and damnation. She is also one of the characters that mentions religion more than anyone else. More specifically, she strikes me as a Cleric of Sune, the Faerunian Goddess of Love and Beauty. Sune's virtues include following your heart wherever it leads, championing love and romance at all costs, taking any risk in pursuit of love, being true to your heart and your passions without shame, and trying to make the world a more beautiful place. As such, Tina is the perfect candidate for a Cleric of Sune. Sune has two domains: Life and Light. Given that Tina has at least some interest in nursing, the Life Domain seems more in-line with Tina's values as a follower of Sune.

GENE BELCHER

SORCERER WILD MAGIC ORIGIN

I know, I know. It's a sin that he's not a Bard. But Gene and Linda are very similar characters, and both work as Bards. The best thing for a party is diversity. So, I looked at Gene's personality beyond just his music. And the core of Gene is whacky nonsense. Usually, when Gene tells stories, it's an excuse for weird imagery. The Banana-fullo, Fart School, radioactive pizza sauce. Thus, the Wild Magic origin for Sorcerers spoke to me. Gene loves whacky randomness, so he would be drawn to Wild Magic. Plus, he's not really a good bard. He hates practicing, he's unfamiliar with the concept of a workbook, and kind of just expects a music career to be handed to him. Hell, when he got cast in a play and had all of two lines, he didn't memorize them, and wanted to ad lib every take. Gene's a sorcerer with the Entertainer background, but he is NOT a bard. He doesn't take his craft seriously the way Linda does.

LOUISE BELCHER

ROGUE ASSASSIN ARCHETYPE

One of Louise's main skills is her ability to pick locks. Bob is literally afraid to go into her room as he expects boobie traps to hurt him. She's a clever tactician, masterminding several heists and revenge schemes. She's good at tricking people and lying to their faces to get what she wants. As for why she's an assassin, in the episode where Louise is uncertain of her future, one vignette paints as a John Wick style Wedgie-Sassin. She's also a fan of Francine, a Special Girl doll that spied on the Russians during the Cold War. She's not typically a fan of girly things, but she does like the one that's a spy. She's definitely the family member who would be the outlaw punk of the group.

RANGER GLOOMSTALKER CONCLAVE

In more recent seasons, we've seen a newfound interest in archery, with Louise even making a zombie movie centered around her blossoming hobby. The Gloomstalker/Assassin multiclass is also a very good multiclass in combat, which is why I felt it was the most fitting for Louise. She's also pretty accurate with other ranged combat like spitballs and throwing things at people.

TEDDY THE HANDYMAN

ARTIFICER BATTLE SMITH

This one pretty much goes without saying. He's a mechanic and handyman, he's used to moving and hauling heavy objects, plus he's burly, making him a great fit for the party's tank. The Battle Smith is an artificer built for the front line, and they get to be joined by a mechanical ally. Teddy would absolutely take a hit for any of the Belchers. The guy also fell off a roof and walked it off, so he's definitely got the highest Constitution score of the group.

I think this party turned out alright. Bob and Teddy are on the frontlines, Linda and Tina are the primary support, Gene is a ball of pure chaos and uncontrolled energy, and Louise is sniping people from the shadows. Everyone's doing what they should be doing to work as a unit, and also happen to be a fairly well-balanced party as well. This is an especially good party for low stakes and silly campaigns, but probably not the kind of party you want to bring to Barovia or Avernus.

[dailycharacteroption]

Retrograde Revision 3: Archivist

(art by suomar on DeviantArt)

Another case of bards in name only, today we’re looking at an archetype that is essentially a librarian.

Described as being “bards that eschew the dramatic aspects of their training”, that need not necessarily be the case, as archivists could easily have gained their arcane/occult magic by studying the body of work under their care rather than having gone to any bardic college.

Either way, they are still associated with academia, and may have a personal history as a scholar first.

The badass librarian has been a thing in recent decades, so whether they are archivists or scientists doing field work, these brilliant minds can prove how effective their stores of knowledge are both on and off the battlefield.

This archetype feels like a first pass at a non-loremaster knowledge-based character, the sort of thing that would evolve later into the overall vibe of the investigator class, so it’s interesting to see where it got it’s start.

Rather than inspire bravery in others, archivists instead focus on providing running commentary and guidance on how to fight the creatures they and their allies are currently facing. While they have to identify them first, doing so gives their allies an offensive and defensive buff against them as they point out vulnerabilities and limitations in the subject’s attack and defense.

Whether it be supernatural boredom or the sheer crushing weight of their focus on minutiae, these archivists can wax technical on a subject to daze or confuse those under the effects of one of their “fascinating” lectures (how fascinating they actually are may vary.” Later on, they can even affect whole crowds this way.

Predating the skald ability of the same name, these archivists know so much that they are true lore masters, able to recall incredible amounts of information on a topic a few times per day.

Additionally, their magical lore makes them better suited to identifying magic items, disabling magical traps, and recognizing magical runes in time to better brace themselves against their effects.

Furthermore, they also demonstrate proficiency with all skills, which only grows over time.

More powerful archivists are so knowledgeable that they can predict a possible outcome and occasionally take the most average result on any sort of activity, including when attacking and resisting, which can be useful in an emergency.

The archivist, with it’s eventual ability to treat every single skill as a class skill, as well as taking 10 often and 20 a few times per day at a low level, has the potential to be the arguably best skill monkey in the game. The base combat performance providing both an offensive and defensive buff against identified foes is also very nice, though the ability to daze or confuse foes that are already fascinated is of dubious unsability, since most situations in which you’d fascinate, you’re trying to avoid combat, and it’s not clear how confusion and daze work in regards to keeping people fascinated when they might start punching each other. Beyond that, however, I recommend spell and feat choices that help you have an at least partial answer to any situation you come across. Damage spells with a variety of types, utility spells, debuffs, buffs, you name it.

The nature of their ability to debuff foes they fascinate might give some the assumption that they are boring or dry lecturers, but that doesn’t have to be the case. It could be that their passionate diatribes are simply bewildering to others, and you can certainly portray them as being passionate about many a subject.

A mystic prank goes wrong when a bookish student cast a forbidden spell to get back at his classmates, and now they are all stuck inside a demiplane centered around the most popular tabletop board game in the school. Experienced adventurers are needed to enter the game’s world, master the rules, and rescue the students.

Palanz Whisperwind has never seen any of the monsters he’s spent his whole life studying. In need of a change of pace, he hires a party of adventurers to escort him on this field study. Putting up with his incessant droning and condescending attitude may drive the party up the wall, though.

The secret name of Falrax, the demon lord of night, is hidden in the secret archives of the Library of Thoumous Rang. Getting to the repository, however, will prove difficult, as the gynosphinx archivist Written Conundrum is loath to allow the ignorant and uninitiated to touch her tomes, even if the fate of the world is on the line.

[lootgoblinmarketplace]

Unethical D&D Hacks #2

-It is a lot easier to just convince the low level quest giver that you completed the quest than actually going to do it.

-Have something you need to retrieve? Have the Wizard conjure a fake version of it and run away after your reward.

-Have someone you need to defeat? Have the Bard cast some kind of enchantment spell that compels them to believe you succeeded.

-Tired of those annoying escort quests? Have the Sorcerer cast an illusion so that the NPC thinks they have arrived at their destination!

-You'll never get a follow-up quest by this NPC, but you made some quick coin and won't have to help that loser with their boring task.

[utilitycaster]

Could you explain further why preemptive healing is a good strategy/better than healing word whack-a-mole? And would the strategy work the same for other classes if they are the main healer, like druids or bards?

So glad you asked!

Consider the following scenario. You are the cleric in a four person 5th level party of the most classic Core Four makeup (fighter, wizard, cleric, rogue). You are well into combat and have not done any healing so far. Everyone's taken some serious hits and is at pretty low health, including the monster, who has a 2-attack multiattack. You did, however, all roll low on initiative, so the monster goes first, then the rogue, fighter, cleric (you), and wizard last. It's your turn. The rogue has 9 HP left. the fighter has 12 HP left. You have 20 HP left and are about 50 feet from the rogue and fighter, both in melee with the monster. The wizard has 7 HP left and is another 50 feet away from you (ie, 100 feet from the monster). And, unbeknownst to you, the monster has 50 HP left.

Preemptive healing: You cast toll the dead on the monster. It makes its save. You also cast mass healing word and heal everyone for 7 HP.

The wizard casts scorching ray and two beams hit for 14 damage. [wizard at 14 HP, monster at 36]

The monster attacks the rogue and fighter on its turn, hitting both and dealing 12 to the rogue and 13 to the fighter. They are both still up at 4 HP and 6 HP respectively

The rogue then attacks and hits for 20 damage. [rogue at 4 HP, monster at 21]. The fighter attacks and hits for 12 damage on the first hit and 10 on the second. The monster is dead; congratulations.

Whack-a-mole strategy: You cast guiding bolt on the monster and deal 13 damage. That is the end of your turn. [monster at 37 HP]

The wizard casts scorching ray for 14 damage again. [wizard at 7 HP, monster at 23 HP].

The monster attacks the rogue and fighter on its turn, dealing 12 to the rogue and 13 to the fighter. They both go down.

You cast toll the dead on the monster. It fails its save. It takes 7 damage and remains up. You cast mass healing word and heal everyone for 7 HP. [monster at 16 HP].

The wizard is running low on spells and casts fire bolt. It hits for 10 damage.

The monster attacks and hits the prone rogue and fighter again. They both go down. It's your turn. If you use mass healing word again, then you don't have a 3rd level for Revivify. Do you heal the rogue? If the DM isn't having the monster attack people who are down, then this could mean the monster attacks the rogue twice, downs them before their turn, and then the fighter makes a death save. On the other hand, if the monster IS attacking people who are down, then the fighter might die. Similar things may happen if you pick the fighter to heal. Do you try to attack with something better than a cantrip? You don't know that the monster only has 6 HP, and you could miss. Unless you're a grave cleric, you need to get into melee with the monster to cast spare the dying.

Now, I could continue, but this will get boring, and unless you're really fucked with the dice eventually you or the wizard will probably kill the monster, but note that you had better luck in the second example (your cantrip worked this time!) and got off a more powerful damage spell to boot and GUESS WHAT, you're still in combat with two people down over a round later instead of out of combat with everyone up, and you've used more spell slots, and a nat 1 death save could mean one of the two unconscious people dies. And I set this up in such a way that you and the wizard are relatively safe, with a melee monster that's not very smart and staying in place. What if that were a bandit with a ranged weapon? What if there was a second very low-level monster with only one attack who could take down the wizard? This is unlikely to go full death spiral; but a single fairly minor complication or a few really unlucky rolls could shift it that way.

If someone gets knocked out and they're before the healer in initiative, you lose their turn and whatever damage they would have done. That's actually the crux of it. It's a loss of damage, and it's a risk as well, and while clerics can do a decent amount of damage that's not really what they're typically built to do. It's much better, as a support caster, to focus on keeping your martial and DPS casters consistently up so that they can do what they do best, namely, attack. If you top someone up such that they don't go unconscious, you used exactly as many spells as you would if you waited until they did go unconscious, but now, they don't miss a turn. Is it really worth you doing that 14 guiding bolt damage when your fighter gets 1d10+4 damage and two attacks per turn?

And yes - this works for anyone who's playing a primary healer. It is better to keep people up in the first place than wait for them to go down.

If I may: I played the main healer, kind of by accident (cleric player left after like 3 sessions, leaving me, a bard, as the only full caster at all; we did have a paladin for backup but he was also our heaviest hitter and paladins don't get ranged healing). I didn't look up strategies, I just kind of learned by doing, and the whack-a-mole strategy never occurred to me. I was stunned to learn that people use it, because it is not remotely intuitive. Honestly, as someone who does not play video games at all, the reason I was initially drawn to healers was because I was like "I do not trust you motherfuckers to heal so I'm going to do it" and the fact that whack-a-mole is popular indicates that I was right.

[kradogsrats]

Overture (Fic)

Me @ Wonderstorm: a PIANO? seriously? piano? okay, I guess… (Piano. What the actual hell.)

—

The royal soirée was warm, stuffy, and, considering the company involved, interminably boring.

It should have been a golden opportunity—artists, writers, musicians, and even a scholar or two had been invited to mingle with the Katolian royal court. At an event like this, catching the eye of the right person could mean gaining a patron who’d set you up for life. Crown Prince Harrow was already swarmed by hopefuls looking to present him with samples of obsequious drivel.

Lissa wandered through the collection of adjoining rooms, wineglass in hand. The setting had been artfully arranged to be ideal for the gathering—comfortable chairs and low couches encouraged intimate conversation, scattered tables were packed with spreads of bite-sized pastries and cut fruit, and servants circled discreetly with selections of wine at the ready. Unfortunately, she hadn’t been in Katolis long enough to have discerned which of its wealthy elite might take an interest in her work, so engaging with any of them was a gamble. Scholarship was generally more difficult to find interested patrons for than the arts, as well—there might be little here for her if she didn’t want to spend the next ten years writing insipid genealogies.

The crowd of guests mercifully thinned out as she got further from the prince. The rooms became less unbearably warm, the scent of so much mingled perfumes less cloying. She paused in one that was nearly empty to sip her wine and take a few breaths. The lone bored servant stationed there ignored her.

In the corner of the small lounge was a piano. Lacking anything else to hold her interest, Lissa stepped over to examine it. She wasn’t truly a musician, but she knew quality when she saw it—the piano was a fine piece, plain in its ornamentation but with solid construction and elegant shape. She didn’t recognize the dark wood of the body, but the keys were Neolandian ivory. An almost unspeakable level of luxury—she’d only ever seen wooden ones, before. She ghosted her fingertips over them, barely touching the surface.

“Do you play?”

She whirled guiltily, feeling like a child caught where she shouldn’t be. Gray-eyed Viren stood behind her, sleek in his high-collared coat rich with embroidery—she hadn’t expected to see him, especially not this far from the prince’s side.

Had he followed her?

“Only a little,” she said, shaking that thought away. “I’m better with more portable instruments.”

”Portable?” he echoed curiously, moving closer to stand beside the piano and idly running a hand over the polished wood.

“Most of the old stories in Del Bar are meant to be told with music,” she explained. “It’s an essential piece—the story isn’t properly understood without it. You wouldn’t have seen many wandering bards hauling around something this size, so the music has to be adapted for it. I do lute, mostly, instead—keeps things as close to the original form as possible.”

”You don’t think we should use every tool at our disposal to build the past into an improved future?” he teased, gray eyes dancing with mischief.

She laughed, familiar with this kind of irreverent scholastic banter, and matched his playfulness in her response. “More that I think we need to remember the past accurately, if we’re to truly build on it at all.”

“Maybe you’re right.” His face faded to seriousness and his eyes grew distant for a moment—then his focus and smile returned. “Nonetheless, will you play something? For me?”

“I suppose,” she said, taking a seat on the bench and smoothing her skirts. She kept her face tilted down, ostensibly focused on the keys but hopefully also hiding her sudden flush.

The ivory was cool and smooth under her fingers. “Some people call this one ‘In the Hall of the Mage-King.’ It’s from a story about a wicked mage who lures a young woman to his castle, intending to ensnare her as his bride.” She glanced up at him. “No offense intended.”

His mouth quirked against a laugh. “None taken.”

She closed her eyes—she’d always found it easier to play from memory when she didn’t look at the keys—and began slowly. The music was a simple, repeated melody, meant to gradually increase in speed and flourishes according to the musician’s skills and taste. That was part of why she had chosen it, to give muscle memory a few measures to return before she tried anything fancy.

Or has that story just been on your mind, lately?

Her brow furrowed slightly as she concentrated harder on the music, sweeping away all other thoughts. She hit fewer false notes as she continued, her hands moving faster and with more confidence. When she felt she’d shown off enough, she shifted smoothly into a coda, winding the music back down to slow simplicity, and finally silence.

The last notes still hung in the air as she looked up. At some point, he had shifted to lean his elbows on the piano’s frame. His head was cocked to one side, watching her.

“Beautiful,” he said quietly.

They suddenly seemed very close. She met his eyes and held them, refusing to be the first to back down even as her heart hammered and she felt heat creeping up her neck.

He straightened abruptly, faint color rising in his cheeks. “I mean—that was lovely. Thank you for indulging me.” He glanced toward the door and sighed. “I should get back to Prince Harrow and make sure he hasn’t gotten into trouble.”

“Absolutely,” she replied, with deadpan earnestness. “I can’t believe you left him alone with a pack of poets. That’s practically treason.”

He laughed, bowing slightly. “Good evening, then, Lissa.”

She inclined her head in return. “Good evening, Viren.”

He stepped toward the door, then realized he’d forgotten his wineglass and returned to retrieve it, nodding at her sheepishly. He paused, his fingers twisting on the glass’s stem. “And what happens to the young woman, in the story?”

“Oh,” she said, keeping her voice light, “There are a few versions, and no one knows which is the original. In most of them, she escapes with the mage’s sundered heart, ending his cruel reign. But in a very few, very old texts—she falls in love, and becomes his queen.”

“You should tell me the whole thing, sometime. The nice version.”

She tilted her head to look at him for a moment—storm-gray and tarnished gold, iron-hot pride and wolf-winter hunger. Beautiful, indeed.

“Maybe I will,” she said, and smiled.

—

The piano is one of the first furnishings he buys for their home—it’s a more modern upright construction, for the smaller space, but still finely made and tuned to perfection.

He coaxes her to cover her eyes as he leads her into the room, and laughs at her delighted gasp when she opens them. Whirls her around the sunlit room in his arms.

She plays it daily. The lute rests in the corner, forgotten.

[noblecrumpet-dorkvision]

Twists for Humanoid Encounters

How often has your D&D group needed to fight the same group of humanoids in every room? 2d4 hobgoblins in every room of a hobgoblin fortress? 2d4 kuo-toa in every room of the kuo-toa temple? 2d4 bandits in every room of the bandit hideout? Sure, some of these humanoids have “suped-up” versions like hobgoblin captains, kuo-toa whips, and bandit captains, but eventually things will get boring with the same enemies every time and those boss monsters are usually reserved for the boss fight! 

Encounter Twists (1d20)

Here are some ways to make an average group-encounter a bit different. Roll 1d20 to choose randomly or pick from the list below. These tend to be keyed towards an assumption that the enemies are humanoid, but that might not be the case.

(1) Varied Weapons. One of the enemies has a different weapon. For example, if all the thugs have maces, maybe one has a glaive or greatsword. Meanwhile, another uses two daggers instead.

(2) Varied Armor. One of the enemies has different armor than the standard. If the hobgoblins wear chain mail, perhaps one is wearing plate. Maybe one didn’t have time to put on armor and only wields a shield.

(3) Minor Spellcasting. Somehow, one of the enemies has come across the ability to use magic, whether divine or arcane. The creature gains the Magic Initiate feat, thereby gaining a cantrip and 1st-level spell.

(4) Healing Potion. One of the enemies is packing a useful healing potion, usually one appropriate for the players to find at their level in case it falls into their hands. If the creature sees an ally go down, they can give out their potion or use it on themselves.

(5) Other Potion. One of the enemies drinks a potion as the battle starts. Choose randomly from the following (d8): (1) Potion of Giant Strength, (2) Potion of Fire Breath, (3) Potion of Flying, (4) Potion of Growth, (5) Potion of Heroism, (6) Potion of Invisibility, (7) Potion of Invulnerability, or (8) Potion of Speed.

(6) Other Consumable Item. One of the enemies carries a consumable magic item, used when the time is right. The players might be able to snag one if it has multiple uses. Choose randomly from the following (d6): (1) 1d4 beans from a Bag of Beans, (2) 1d4 beads from a Necklace of Fireballs, (3) a vial of Oil of Sharpness, (4) a Gem of Brightness with 1d4+5 charges remaining, (5) a Deck of Illusions with only 1d4+1 cards remaining, or (6) a vial of Oil of Slipperiness.

(7) Class Feature. One of the enemies has experience in a player class, gaining one of the following features chosen at random (d12). Each functions pretty much like the class feature of the same name. These are meant to just give the impression of a class through one, usually simplified feature, rather than all of a class’s unique features.

Bard: Bardic Inspiration: Use a d6.

Barbarian: Rage: Bonus damage at +2.

Cleric: Spellcasting: Knows the Guidance and Sacred Flame cantrips. Can cast 3 spell-levels-worth of spells: either Cure Wounds (1st), Guiding Bolt (1st), Spiritual Weapon (2nd), or Spirit Guardians (3rd). Use their Wisdom modifier for their spellcasting statistics (minimum 13).

Druid: Wild Shape: Choose an animal appropriate to the setting and have it be up to CR 2.

Fighter: Maneuvers: Give them 4 d8s and just choose 1 maneuver for simplicity’s sake.

Monk: Ki: Give them 3 Ki Points and let them gain two unarmed strikes (d4) as a bonus action, or else dodge, disengage, or dash as a bonus action by spending a ki point.

Paladin: Divine Smite and Lay on Hands: Give them 2 1st-level spell slots with which to smite. Also give them 10 points of Lay on Hands.

Ranger: Spellcasting and Fighting Style: They can cast Hunter’s Mark twice per day and gain the Archery or Two-Weapon Fighting styles.

Rogue: Sneak Attack and Cunning Action: Use 2d6 for the Sneak Attack damage.

Sorcerer: Spellcasting and Metamagic: Give them 3 1st-level spell slots, a cantrip, and a 1st-level spell eligible for the Twinned Spell Metamagic feature. They can use Twinned Spell on one of their spells up to 3 times.

Warlock: Eldritch Blast and Pact Magic: Give them the Eldritch Blast cantrip, then 1 3rd-level spell slot (assume a second slot was used already). Then give them the spells Hex, Witch Bolt, or Hunger of Hadar.  Use their Charisma modifier for their spellcasting statistics (minimum 13).

Wizard: Spellcasting: Knows the Minor Illusion cantrip and one damaging cantrip. Can cast 4 spell-levels-worth of spells: either Fog Cloud (1st), Magic Missile (1st), Flaming Sphere (2nd), Web (2nd), Fireball (3rd), or Lightning Bolt (3rd). Use their Intelligence modifier for their spellcasting statistics (minimum 13).

(8) Mount. One of the enemies has an appropriate mount, offering them greater mobility and the offensive/defensive features of an additional enemy, if it has attacks.

(9) Pet. The creatures have a pet, captured creature, or summoned magical servant of an appropriate challenge rating. This could be a beast, a monster, an undead (if a necromancer is present), an elemental (if a wizard or druid is present), a fiend (if a warlock or cleric is present), or a fey (if a druid is present).

(10) Brute Creature. One of the enemies has the maximum amount of hit points based on their hit point calculation. The creature rolls twice for damage, taking the better of the two rolls.

(11) Meek Creature. One of the enemies has half the normal amount of hit points based on their hit point calculation. The creature rolls twice for damage, taking the worse of the two rolls.

(12) Unique Species/Race. One of the enemies is of a different species. For instance, a group of Bandits might have a Dwarf or Bugbear in their ranks. You can grant an NPC creature some traits of the new species/race (like Dwarven Resilience), or you can just use statistics of a different monster (like the Bugbear).

(13) Infiltrator. One of the enemies is secretly a monster in disguise. Ones that fit the bill might include: a Doppelganger, an Intellect Devourer, a Succubus/Incubus, a Lycanthrope, a Yuan-Ti Pureblood, a Yochlol (if among drow), a Barghest (if among goblins), an Oni, a Hag, a Slaad, a Rakshasa, or a Couatl. For more powerful characters, you could use an ancient metallic dragon or a Deva.

(14) Sickness. One of the enemies is suffering from a random disease. Creatures that come within 5 feet of them have a chance of contracting the disease. The creature should be displaying symptoms in order for the players to effectively make decisions about this in combat. In theory, though, other enemies might be asymptomatic, so smart players should maintain distance with all the enemies.

(15) Unusual Surprise. If the players took precautions and surprised the enemies, half of them were unusually alert and are not surprised. If the enemies were not initially surprised, half of them were far from prepared and are instead surprised even if the players took no precautions. Perhaps they were daydreaming, sleeping, getting armor on, or tripped.

(16) Feat. One of the enemies has a random feat chosen from the following (d20, reroll on 16+). Some may require them to change their weapons or armor, and are marked with an asterisk: (1) Alert, (2) Athlete, (3) Charger, (4) Crossbow Expert*, (5) Defensive Duelist*, (6) Dual Wielder*, (7) Great Weapon Master*, (8)   Heavy Armor Master*, (9) Mobile, (10) Mage Slayer, (11) Polearm Master*, (12) Sentinel, (13) Sharpshooter*, (14) Shield Master*, or (15) Tavern Brawler.

(17) Unusual Talent. One of the enemies has an exceptional statistic, different from others of its kind. Choose one of the creature’s abilities that is on the low end and make it comparable or better than their strongest ability. For instance, if such creatures normally have high Strength, give this one high Dexterity. If they are typically low in Intelligence, give them a high Intelligence and let them use smarter tactics. Give them unique weapons or spells if appropriate.

(18) Damage Rider. One of the enemies deals additional damage of a random type using one of their weapons. This may come from a magic oil or poison applied to their weapon, or perhaps their own arcane or divine magic. Don’t use a magic weapon as players will be able to use it once the battle is over (unless you planned to give such an item as treasure in the first place). Their weapon deals a bonus 1d6 damage of a type chosen at random from the following: (1) acid, (2) cold, (3) fire, (4) lightning, (5) necrotic, (6) poison, (7) psychic, or (8) radiant.

(19) Siege Weapon. One of the enemies is manning a siege weapon of your choice against the players. A ballista is usually a good option, since you usually don’t want a cannon in your players’ hands and a catapult is better for non-moving targets. You could also create a magical siege weapon, like a turret that casts Burning Hands, Scorching Ray, Ice Knife, Acid Arrow, or Lightning Bolt.

(20) Elemental Shield. One of the enemies has immunity to one damage type and resistance to all other damage until they are dealt damage of an opposed damage type, which destroys this magical shield. Pair the damage types like this: cold and fire, radiant and necrotic, acid and lightning (think of it like earth vs. air). Alternatively, one of the creatures is naturally blessed with immunity to one damage type. Give the creature some sort of visual cue for this to clue the players in.

Characteristic Twists

Another way to vary humanoid creatures is by giving them interesting personality traits or interesting physical features. Roll or choose from the Appearance Twists table to make one of the humanoids look more distinct. Roll or choose from the Personality Twists table to make one of the humanoids act differently or more interesting, sometimes in a way the players can exploit in combat.

Appearance Twists (d20)

Creature has...

Outlandish hairdo

Interesting headgear/hat

Worn trophies collected from enemies

Personalized armor or clothes

Prominent visible tattoos or war paint

Prominent visible scar

A cape or other dramatic attire

Prominent facial jewelry (or facial hair if they have it)

Weapon made from unique material or uniquely decorated

A meaningful symbol prominently displayed

Unusual physical features for their species

Eyewear (glasses, goggles, mask, or eyepatch)

Prominent visible birthmark

Unusual attire for class/profession

Missing or prosthetic limb

Trinket (roll on existing table) worn and visible

Worn piece of valuable treasure

Worn a memento from a lover

Worn animal hide

Appearance altered magically or through a curse

Personality Twists (d20)

Creature is...

Suffering from a form of Long-Term Madness (roll on existing table)

Overly confident, willingly enters dangerous combat situations

Overly cautious, always readies their action into a reaction

Intimidating, can frighten a target as a bonus action with a successful Charisma contest

Sadistic, aiming for weak targets

Defiant, challenges the strongest foes first

Overly dramatic, draws a lot of attention

Automysophobic, can't stand getting dirty

Irrationally terrified of something in the players' arsenal (magic, animals, fire, etc)

Biased against one of the players' species and focuses on them

Angered or terrified by mages, attacks them first

Flirtacious with one of the players, is effectively charmed by the player

Witty, taunts foes with banter

Indecisive to the point where they sometimes only take the Dodge action

Loyal to their leader to the death

Edgy and mysterious

Best friends with one of their allies, always tries to Help them in combat

Cowardly, becomes frightened and attempts to Disengage or Hide if damaged

Honorable, refuses to fight with an unfair advantage

Drunk and suffers from the Poisoned condition

[moongoddessmox]

Tom Hiddleston Filmography - A Review

A list of everything Tom Hiddleston has been in, according to IMDB, and I will be watching each one and reviewing it here! A lot of his stuff was super obscure, and he did lots of shorts, so I have excluded those. I also do not include voice acting, only live action.

1) Loki (2021) Disney+

I'm actually only on episode four, so I don't have a thorough review, but so far it's so good. Love Loki, but something feels weird. Maybe bc I prefer him as Thor Loki, all dressed in his robes and shit, but I still think it's really good. 10/10 Tom Hiddleston overall. 9/10 show.

Alright, after finishing the show and analyzing it, I would like to change my rating to 5/10. 10/10 Tom. Tom is always great, it wasn't his fault how Loki was portrayed here and he did well with what he got. Now, the show? Ass. Like, the whole Sylki thing was meh, boring to give him a female love interest when he's canonically bi, but also the self incest? Fucking weird. His outfit? Trash, put him in his fucking Loki robes. Mobius, man, you coulda been good, but here you are torturing and insulting Loki just like everyone else. Loki just needs someone who shows him true and genuine care and trust. Not whatever the fuck Mobius and Sylvie was doing. This show was not about Loki Loki, it was about Sylvie

2) Avengers: Endgame (2019) Disney+

Need to re-watch, but such a good movie. Tragic, devastating, but so good. 10/10.

3) Leading Lady Parts (2018) (I forgot to remove this)

4) Avengers: Infinity War (2018) Disney+

Again, need to re-watch but 10/10.

5) Thor: Ragnarok (2017) Disney+

Pretty sure this is everyone's favorite Thor movie, and I agree. So fucking good. I need to re-watch it, but it gets an 11/10.

6) Kong: Skull Island (2017) HBO Max

7) The Night Manager (2016) Amazon Prime Video

8) Crimson Peak (2015) Netflix

Shame about the incest. But I enjoyed this movie a lot. I love him in this time period, lawd. I don't really care for the female lead, I don't remember her name but she irks me for no reason. But Tom? Damn, damn, damn. 9/10. Sorry, the incest cost this a point.

9) High-Rise (2015) Amazon Prime Channels

Hm. Um. Hm. So, I get the point of the movie, capitalism sucks, the high levels looking down at the low levels, chaos happens but everyone is still stuck in the capitalist system (the high-rise) and yeah. Maybe I’m just simple-minded, but it wasn’t my favorite movie lol. It was so chaotic, abstract, and dystopian and I’m just not into movies like that. But, for what it was, I think it was good and an interesting symbolism for capitalism. It was just fucking wild. You really gotta use big brain energy to follow and keep up with the metaphors, but it was good. Tommy boy always looking like a snack, we see his badonky, love that. He did really well, I think he captured the essence of the film and portrayed the emotions and character well. 10/10 Tom, 7/10 movie. Also, love to see Bard--I mean, Luke Evans. Love him.

10) I Saw the Light (2015) Amazon Buy or Rent

11) Muppets Most Wanted (2014) Amazon Buy or Rent

I have seen this movie, but I couldn't tell you a thing about it and honestly, I don't care enough about the Muppets to buy it. I'm sure it was good, but who knows.

12) Coriolanus (2014) ?

13) Thor: The Dark World (2013) Disney+

Need to re-watch. Everyone's least favorite Thor movie, but honestly, I loved it. I love all Marvel movies and didn't think this was bad at all.

14) Exhibition (2013) Amazon Buy or Rent

15) Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) Amazon Buy or Rent

16) Friend Request Pending (2012) Amazon Buy or Rent

17) The Hollow Crown (2012) Amazon Buy

18) The Avengers (2012) Disney+

The OG, love love love. Everything about this movie is wonderful. God I love Loki.

19) War Horse (2011) HBO Max

20) The Deep Blue Sea (2011) AMC+ (Amazon)

Hm, interesting. I liked it, Tom Hiddleston is so fantastic. He really showed a range of acting skill here and it was so good. The raw emotions he showcased and just those little facial expressions really made this incredible. We do get to see some badonky, that’s always a plus. His skin is so smooth and looks so soft...but anyway, his acting ability is just so amazing, I love him so much. 10/10 Tom, 7/10 movie.

21) Midnight in Paris (2011) IMDB TV (Amazon)

22) Thor (2011) Disney+

Great, fantastic, wonderful, breathtaking. Lovely movie.

23) Archipelago (2010) AMC+ (Amazon)

24) Wallander (2008-2010) DVD

25) Cranford (2009) BritBox (Amazon)

26) Unrelated (2007) Amazon Buy or Rent

27) Suburban Shootout (2006-2007) DVD

28) Miss Austen Regrets (2007) DVD (or BritBox - Amazon)

Aww, Tom is such a cutie in this movie!! Young babyyyyyyyyy. Great movie, I love period pieces, especially Jane Austen stories so this was good! He was really good in this role, I want more of him in historical pieces!! Not a lot of screen time tho, shame.

29) Casualty (2007) BritBox (Amazon)

30) Victoria Cross Heroes (2006) Youtube

31) A Waste of Shame: The Mystery of Shakespeare and His Sonnets (2005) ?

32) The Gathering Storm (2002) HBO Max

33) Armadillo (2001) BritBox

34) Conspiracy (2001) HBO Max

35) The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby (2001) DVD

[captainofthetidesbreath]

Hey Gena!!! Any thoughts or hopes about cr3 you’d like to share? Like obv classes for the PCs and stuff, but also, maybe timing or place? EXU has me crushing hard on tal’dorei again and I feel like there’s so much to be explored there still, but also Marquet and Xhorhas remain so unexplored too—or would you like to see a completely new place yet again?? Like what’s out west of tal’dorei? Or perhaps a different plane?

Hello! I have some thoughts but the ones I'm willing to share are mostly:

I would love to see Travis play a cleric, a druid, or a wizard. I think Travis has a fascinating approach to mechanical problems—Travis is capable of making me excited about mechanics—and I also would love to see what he does when he has a full suite of options available to classes like these, especially since they'd allow him to more easily play supportively. I would also not be opposed to seeing him work with a Battle Master (my beloveds), Echo Knight, or Arcane Knight fighter. Also, I think it'd be funny if he played a wizard because I want to see him manage wizard hit points.

It'd be really fun to see someone revisit the ranger class, especially since XGTE and TCOE have come out since then.

Full. Paladin. Please.

Can I get a non-musically based bard? Spare College of Eloquence?

Call me boring but someone play an elf, please. Elves are great.

Less boring: I am with the fandom on warforged. I also want to see a loxodon, bc they're SO good, and an aarakocra, because it's funny for a low-level adventurer to have a flying speed.

Would LOVE to see the Tasha's origin customization options and/or the optional class features.

As far as timing, I think the way is forward. I would think a long sandbox campaign set at any point before either C1 or C2 is too restrictive for sandbox structure. I do not have thoughts on the size of the timeskip, however, only post-C2.

I've been convinced on an Issylra game.

Someone hop over to Blightshore or Port Damali real quick, please, do it for me.

I would personally love to see the Shattered Teeth, but I am unconvinced that there is enough space there for the main space of a long-form campaign. I think it'd make a great setting for a miniseries, however, EXU or otherwise. I think the same of Marquet, actually.

[geraltrogerericduhautebellegarde]

Better Taste

Howdy, howdy! This is my third (of five) prompt fills for my 500 Follower Raffle! 

This is for the lovely @vampire--dad who requested the pairing Jaskier/Yennefer and the trope “jealousy”!

I hope I’ve done it justice!

Warning: Things get horny under the cut! 

-

Her voice was the last one Jaskier had expected or wanted to hear. It cut right through his broken heart when he heard her, right behind him, “Well, well. The bardling without his keeper.”

Sighing, Jaskier spun in his seat to meet the violet eyes staring back at him, “Do you need something?” His words were harsh, biting. The last thing he wanted was to be needled by Yennefer of Vengerberg.

“Where is he?” She asked, sounding bored, still staring into Jaskier’s eyes.

Jaskier sucked in a sharp breath, “How should I know?” The ache in his chest throbbed painfully with the reminder of Geralt’s absence from his life.

Yennefer scoffed and rolled her eyes, “You’re practically his pet.”

“Well now I’m a stray,” Jaskier snapped back.

Yennefer gazed back at him consideringly, “So he dumped you.”

Jaskier grunted and spun back around in his seat, facing the bar, “You can go now.” Jaskier felt the heat of Yennefer’s body as she got closer to him and he glanced to his right to see her leaning against the bar. The barkeep approached and opened his mouth to speak before Yennefer quickly cut him off, “A bottle of whatever your best wine is.”

Accepting the offered bottle and a cup, Yennefer shot Jaskier a sharp look, “Follow me.”

And he did.

He wasn’t quite sure why he followed her, but there he was, and hour later, sitting across a table from Yennefer of Vengerberg, an empty bottle of wine between the two.

And even more shockingly, they were getting along.

Standing up unsteadily, Jaskier smiled down at Yennefer, “We need more wine!”

Yennefer raised her cup in salute and Jaskier turned around and walked carefully back to the bar. The barmaid behind the counter smiled sweetly at him as he approached so he leaned on the counter and fixed her with his most dazzling smile.

Some pretty words and a delicate kiss to the cheek later, Jaskier was strutting back to the table he was sharing with Yennefer, free bottle of wine in hand.

As he approached, Yennefer glared at him. Dismissing the expression on her face, Jaskier sat down happily and quickly refilled their cups, sliding Yennefer’s back across the table to her.

She was still glaring.

“So, you’ve moved on then.” Yennefer finally said, still glaring.

Jaskier furrowed his eyebrows, “What?”

“From you’re stupid little crush on Geralt.”

Jaskier flinched when Yennefer spat out the name, “I don’t know what you’re on about.”

Yennefer scoffed, “Don’t play ignorant, bard.”

“Afraid to say I’m not playing this time.”

Yennefer levelled him a withering look before picking up her cup and taking a drink. She slammed the cup back down on the table, making some of it slosh out, and stood up from the table.

“What are you doing?” Jaskier asked, feeling incredibly confused, as he watched her straighten out her dress.

“This wine is shit, I’m going to find some one with better…” Yennefer trailed off, glaring over his shoulder before finally finishing her sentence, “taste.”

Glancing behind him, Jaskier saw the barmaid from before staring at him from behind the bar. She waved when she saw him looking and he smiled back at her tightly. When Jaskier looked back to where Yennefer has stood, he found her missing. Looking around the tavern, he finally found her leaning over the shoulder of a well-dressed man sat across the room.

Dumbfounded, Jaskier took a large gulp of his glass of wine, frowning as he realized it was the same wine they had been drinking before.

Turning his attention back to Yennefer, he watched as she picked up the cup sat in front of the man and took a sip.

Jaskier narrowed his eyes as he felt his stomach clench uncomfortably. It was the same feeling he used to get when she would show up and redirect Geralt’s attention from him.

Odd.

There was no Geralt around to feel jealous over and the man she was apparently trying to seduce wasn’t really his type. Why would he be feeling jealousy?

Oh.

It was Yennefer. Humming to himself and taking another drink, Jaskier considered this new revelation. She certainly was beautiful, and they had been getting along rather well before she’d gotten mad at him. Hmmm… but why had she gotten so angry when things had been going so well?

Jaskier glanced back at the barmaid as he thought about Yennefer’s parting words about his taste.

Oh.

She must have watched him flirting with the barmaid. Jaskier smiled, pleased that she had felt the same jealousy that was now pooling in his gut.

Jaskier stood slowly, his eyes following Yennefer’s movements as she traced patterns on the man’s chest from her seat in his lap. Jaskier let out a low growl.

Jaskier stalked over to the table, looming over the couple. Yennefer glanced up at him, a bored expression on her face, “Did you need something?”

Before he realized what he was doing, Jaskier reached out and grabbed Yennefer’s hand, yanking her out of the other man’s lap. The man in question let out a loud shout of protest but Jaskier ignored him, pulling Yennefer along behind him as he marched them up the stairs and to the room he’d rented for the night.

Once they’d entered the room Jaskier spun around quickly, pressing Yennefer up against the wall. She smirked up at him, “Is something the matter?”

Grinding his hips against Yennefer, he hissed at the friction on his hardness. He leaned forward, his lips ghosting across her own. “Do you want this?” he asked, his voice just a whisper.

Her eyes flashed, “Do you think I’d be here if I didn’t?”

“Answer the question.”

Wrapping her arms around Jaskier’s neck, she leaned into Jaskier before whispering back, “Yes.”

Jaskier wasted no time, pressing his lips against hers in a heated kiss.

Yennefer let out a loud moan as Jaskier gripped her thighs, hiking her up higher against the wall. She rolled her hips and Jaskier bit her lip in return before pulling back and raising an eyebrow, “So we’re doing this?”

“Stop talking bard, there are much better uses for your mouth.”

Jaskier spun around and walked over to the bed as he trailed kisses up her neck, dragging breathy sighs from her. Throwing her down on the bed he quickly crawled up her body and pressed a kiss to her mouth, “You mentioned something better I could be doing with my mouth?”

Yennefer smirked and put her hands on his shoulders, urging him back down her body, “It’s time to prove you’ve earned your reputation.”

And he did.

-

Check out my masterlist!

Tag list: @stinastar @feraljaskier @bastardofmothman @hailhailsatan @moonysourenza @its-onions @elliestormfound @dapandapod @geraskier-trashh @jaskierswolf @fontegagrilledcheese @negativenuggetz @veritasrose @kozkaboi @skai6

[landofgatesandconstellations]

Very sorry to drop a large session on you for your first analysis! But can you analyze a Knight of Breath (Rustblood/Derse), Maid of Rage (Bronze/Prospit), Mage of Time (Gold/Derse), Witch of Breath (Mutant/Derse), Page of Void (Olive/Derse), Maid of Doom (Jade/Derse), Seer of Life (Teal/Prospit), Witch of Heart (Cerulean/Prospit), Prince of Blood (Indigo/Derse), Knight of Light (Purple/Prospit), Heir of Mind (Violet/Derse), and a Rogue of Space (Fuschia/Prospit). Thank you so much.

Knight of Breath (Rustblood/Derse), Maid of Rage (Bronze/Prospit), Mage of Time (Gold/Derse), Witch of Breath (Mutant/Derse), Page of Void (Olive/Derse), Maid of Doom (Jade/Derse), Seer of Life (Teal/Prospit), Witch of Heart (Cerulean/Prospit), Prince of Blood (Indigo/Derse), Knight of Light (Purple/Prospit), Heir of Mind (Violet/Derse), Rogue of Space (Fuschia/Prospit)

7 derse, 5 prospit, not a bad balance. You generally don't want to stray too far from even, but this is certainly close enough.

8 active, 4 passive. (knights are active in all the ways that matter so shush) also not a terrible ratio, but not a good one. Starts straying into dangerously unbalanced territory, but should still be fine. (note that being too unbalanced results in a loss of versatility. In an all active session, large foes like the king can become an issue when no one is buffing, and in an all passive session, a player that gets isolated becomes easy pickings.)

This session lacks a hope player, a bard, a thief and a sylph. That's not too bad, especially with the lack of sylph replaced by more maid, and the thief's role approximated by knights. The lack of hope player means no deus ex machinas, and the players are likely to suffer from a case of big sad.

The knight of breath does support, and cleans up what the others can't get to. The maid of rage makes sure that everyone understands what they're here for, and doesn't get too excited. The mage of time does time stuff, prevents paradoxes. The witch of breath makes the breath good. A useful pair with the knight of breath. The page of void makes sure nothing gets too busy or complicated The maid of doom kills stuff and produces the big sad The seer of life helps avoid the big sad, and keeps everyone alive and incredibly wealthy The witch of heart helps people self actualize and be the best them. They're a cerulean, perhaps with mind control, which could be really damaging if they use their psionics and not their words. The prince of blood prevents toxic relationships and keeps everyone unrestricted The knight of light guides and executes The heir of mind is big brain moment The rogue of space is frog and speed

Lot of movement, lot of sad.

The session will lack breath and light. With a knight and witch of breath, it should start operating as if it had normal breath levels fairly quickly. Maybe the veil is much closer, so no one can go between the planets, but the knight or witch of breath could blow the soon to be meteors away, and the rogue of space could teleport people, ignoring the close veil. The players don't know much. Perhaps they started playing sburb accidentally, and all their sprites were useless. The purple and violet will be able to deal pretty well with low light, so that's not a big issue either

The big sad. With maids of rage and doom, there's a whole lot of sad being created. If the seer of life, witch of heart, and maybe page of void don't deal with that early, the session is in danger of just getting too sad to continue. No one would think they could actually achieve their goals, and everyone might just flee to the dream bubbles or initiate an unnecessary scratch. If the seer of life helps people find happiness, the witch of heart helps them find self, and the page of void uses their negation aura wisely, they'll deal with the big sad just fine.

The rogue of space may be helped by the mage if they manage to stop suffering and fussing over paradoxes long enough to be useful, but the knights are likely to help out anyway. No one asked them, but they sure are here. The knight of breath acts as a poor man's time player, collecting frogs real quickly, though not as well as a time player, and the knight of light sits in the background providing advice and probably being smug. You have a good setup for the breeding, and it should succeed without too much fuss, though they might have to take a break to wait for the mage to arrive, or be happy with a cancerous frog, as a time player is probably needed for success.

Pretty even on all of the combat roles. I'll elaborate more on this in further analyses, and you can ask for it specifically if you want me to elaborate on this session, but it's kinda boring for this one, you're just real balanced.

Overall, a pretty likely to succeed session, if they overcome the initial lacks and the big sad.

[utilitycaster]

I’ve been thinking about playing a Dragonborn fighter but I’m torn between a psi warrior or a rune knight, what do you think of these two subclasses?

Hi anon!

So I think both these subclasses are, at their core, mechanically very strong, and I haven't had a ton of experience with either. This is not particularly helpful to you.

I do think the deciding factor if you don't have strong plot reasons is which flavor you're going for, and that's somewhat decided by the world you're playing in; psionics are a very specific vibe and they don't fit in all settings, whereas I think rune knights are more adaptable. And here I will expound a bit on why I find psionics difficult, but that's purely my opinion. What I'm getting at is either choice is mechanically valid and depending on what campaign you're playing in either choice may be good for flavor reasons, but I personally have a strong preference for rune knight mostly because I think crafting and runes are cool and I don't really like psionics.

So the thing about psionics is that I think they work really well in comics and film and pretty well in books and in an audio-only medium it's not great, and in an improvised medium it's also not great. I've played a character for whom Detect Thoughts was a signature spell (UA College of Satire bard, which, while the concept is great, does need a lot of work and I ended up switching to Eloquence) and anyway in practice what happens is either you play RAW and Detect Thoughts mostly gives you what the person wants for lunch; you play with a more lenient DM and they give you tons of information for the cost of one low-level spell slot which is a little annoying, and either way the rest of the party doesn't know and can't react in real time and that is very hard to work with and slows everything down. It's just...I find it more interesting when you have to do good old-fashioned persuasion checks and investigation checks to get information, it becomes a group effort, and it offers much more NPC interaction and while there's a cost for failure, you can also try to mislead them. Psionics work so well in something scripted - as mentioned recently I'm not a big X-men person but psionics are a huge part of that whole deal and obviously they are terribly popular - but I just don't like them much in D&D.

And, in all fairness, the psi knight doesn't get to read minds; this is more a criticism of psionics on the whole and getting into "the NPCs in your backstory/plots centered around you have the potential to be kind of boring." Whereas runes are just fun. Someone taught you weird Giant magic! Hell yeah! But again, mechanically, they are both quite good, and you may not share my feelings on psionics.

[bounce-a-coin-off-your-witcher]

A Great Treasure

(Jaskier just constantly getting kidnapped by dragons and dressed real pretty? Yeah. I’m into it.)

tw: gratuitous, almost My Immortal levels of outfit description because I am A Ho For The Look, dragons being horny, Geralt being soft as fuck but also kinda horny

---

The next dragon that took Jaskier wasn’t nearly as sneaky. Nor was it green. The great, sapphire-blue reptile swooped down above the road in broad daylight and plucked the surprised bard up with its great talons, disappearing over the tops of the trees before Geralt could so much as think to pull his sword. The Witcher heard Jaskier’s startled cry echo out over the forest and urged Roach into a canter. He departed from the beaten path and took off in the same general direction the creature had been headed. “It hasn’t even been three full fucking weeks yet. Fuck.”

Hello, Jaskier! I’m a friend of Etheid’s, the dragon introduced herself. The draconic method of telepathic communication still bothered the bard a little but the blue dragon’s voice seemed more sing-song than Etheid’s had been. Certainly more feminine. Call me Lythos, or Lyth for short. 

“Nice to meet you, Lythos,” Jaskier muttered, clenching his eyes shut tightly. “Let’s talk more when we’re on solid ground, yeah?”

Afraid of heights, bardling?

“Just a smidgen of a little bit.”

Worry not, we’re nearly to my tower.

“Another tower?”

Whatever happened to talking on solid ground?

“I’ve been kidnapped by two dragons in one month. I’m curious.”

I doubt this will be the last time you’re kidnapped by a dragon, either. Not until one of my brethren gives up during their turn or loses the bet.

“Their turn? What bet?! What are you talking about?”

I will explain the situation to you more fully when we land. There is much to be discussed. Many things to plan. Many rules to be determined and recorded for the others. 

Jaskier sighed, glad he’d left his lute tied to Roach’s saddlebags today, and let himself be carried off to yet another strange adventure. “So you guys are just going to keep swooping in and stealing me away like this because it’s fun?”

Yes. And because Borch said that you and Geralt are kind-hearted and friendly mortals. We dragons don’t meet many such humans in our travels; we’d like to reward you somehow.

“So you’re rewarding me by kidnapping me?”

That’s why we included the second part of the deal, with the elaborately designed outfits. It’s not just because we enjoy collecting treasures from all over the Continent and squirreling them away to play with later; it’s also our form of payment to you. If you’re dressed from head to toe in silk and gold when Geralt rescues you then there’s no time to stop and take those items off before you ‘escape’. You can keep them or sell them; anything you are given by one of us should be considered payment for services rendered.

“And the service that Geralt and I are providing is...entertainment?”

Correct. It would be unfair to use up so much of a Witcher’s time without paying him.

“You’d be surprised how many people do that, actually,” Jaskier griped. “Village after village, turning him away without payment just because he’s a mutant and a freak. It’s horrible!”

Now you understand why my kin are so desperate for something good in the world. The love between you and Geralt is pure and strong, that is the other reason we chose the two of you.

Jaskier blushed. “We’re just a couple of flimsy mortals that happened to bump into each other and get along. Most of the time. It’s a very human thing to do. There are other couples in need of some emotional urging, if you’re looking to orchestrate a romance.”

No, we wish only to further yours. Now, would you care to look through the clothes I’ve gathered? We have at least another day before your Witcher finds us. 

“Less than a day if he chooses not to pause for meditation, the fool.”

He will not risk losing you, Lythos sighed happily. I checked in on him earlier; he is meditating and gathering his strength. He has admitted his love for you now and is determined to prove himself. How dreamy.

“That is absolutely precious! Ugh, I love him so much.” 

Then let us make you lovely, so that when he arrives he is doubly excited to see you.

“I can’t argue with that logic. Not from such an ancient and wise creature.”

Flattery gets you everywhere, bard, Lythos teased. She huffed out a thin cloud of steam and Jaskier chuckled in return. 

“I know.”

---

“Are you kidding me?”

Absolutely not, the dragon shook its snout. Try them on. Unless you don’t like it, of course; I have other options, too.

“No, it’s all very lovely. It’s just...I get to keep them?”

Of course. I don’t want to make you change your clothes in the middle of Geralt’s daring rescue. That would totally ruin the romance!

“I suppose that would be rather odd. Even Geralt might catch on to something like that.” Jaskier held clothes the dragon had preferred in his hands, glancing once more at the suggested shirt. “What exactly is this supposed to be?”

It’s a tunic, of course. What else could it possibly be?

The bard gesticulated towards the dragon, holding the apparent tunic out for inspection as if he was shocked or surprised by Lyth’s choice. “It’s completely sheer!”

Yes, and it will make you look so very delicate, Lythos urged. Just try it on with the pants. Just once. You can change if you don’t like it, like I said. There’s a whole closet of costumery at your disposal, Jaskier.

The bard sighed and pulled the pants on first. They were made of a deep, peacock blue silk and hugged him in all the right places. He turned back and forth, observing their fit in the full-length mirror Lythos had provided. His legs were defined but the material wasn’t overly tight; it hadn’t bunched up near his thighs or ass like silk of this kind usually did. “Were these tailored to fit me?”

Yes, they were. 

“How? I’ve only been here for a few hours and you pulled these directly from the armoire!”

Etheid passed along your measurements to the rest of us so that we could better prepare.

“Right, of course. Dragons. Bets. All that fun stuff,” the bard sighed. He tugged the gossamer shirt down over his head and tucked it neatly into the waistband of his high-waisted trousers. Jaskier glanced towards the mirror again and discovered that he looked...he looked amazing. 

The shirt had been designed with a low, swooping neckline that revealed both his collarbones and a good portion of his chest. The thin, almost translucent white material left whatever the shirt did cover still almost entirely visible. When he blushed it could be rather obviously traced all the way down to his mid-chest. The giddy bard mussed his hair a little and did his best pouting ‘rescue me’ face; oh yes, that’s the way to do it. 

Jaskier looked downright sinful. 

“You are absolutely brilliant, Lythos! Geralt is going to lose his mind when he sees me in this ensemble.”

So you’ll wear it?

“This particular outfit is my new favorite. I’ll have to wait until the next dragon shows up before we can turn a profit from this whole bard-napping melodrama venture.”

There is always the jewelry. I can give you a few extra pieces to sell since you love the clothes so much; I have too much of the stuff sitting around and collecting dust anyway.

“Would you like it if I let you choose all my jewelry? I’m afraid I tend to go a bit overboard.”

Yes, yes! The dragon huffed happily, filling the space briefly with a cloud of steam. I have temporary earrings and bracelets and necklaces. I even have anklets if you so desire. 

“Goody!” the bard rejoiced. “I love anklets! I never have good enough reason to wear them, though. This will be lovely. Do you mind if I roll the pants up to my knees? Geralt does so love the sight of my bare skin. I think it would drive him absolutely mad if we showed a little ankle for the Witcher.”

Please do whatever you see fit, my friend, Lythos insisted. You must sparkle for your White Wolf. You must look the part of the treasure he seeks to find!

“Ah, so I’m a treasure this time instead of a damsel?”

Hmm, yes. I think that makes it more interesting. What kind of treasure would you like to be?

“Geralt’s,” the bard breathed dreamily. The large, winged reptile rolled her eyes and huffed again.

Duh, that’s the point. I meant like...pirate treasure? A king’s treasure? I’ve never done roleplay before. Mostly just burning down the houses of rude nobles and kidnapping some princesses upon request. I’m not incredibly familiar with human treasure.

“Oh! I could be your hoard!”

You’re brilliant! Of course! This will be so fun. What if you laid in my tail when Geralt arrived? Like I was guarding you?

“Well then how would he get me away without hurting you?”

I could make him give a speech? Woo you away from me with your words?

“Oh, that’s very clever. Very dramatic. I love it!”

We do make a good team, I think.

“Do you have any makeup? This look would be excellent with some eyeliner.”

You are definitely as entertaining and fun as Etheid promised. I’m sure that Aramaris will enjoy you just as much.

“Wait, who’s Aramaris?”

They chose the next lot after me. Then, after Aramaris has their turn, Vertos would like a chance to partake. 

“Hold on a minute. There’s a waiting list of dragons who want to kidnap me?”

And see Geralt come running to your aid, yes. It is rather sweet to watch and we are all very bored. We’re going to see who can make you the prettiest and get Geralt the most worked up. 

“So this is just a game to you?”

As I said before, it is both a game and a legitimate matchmaking endeavor. Additionally, we’re compensating you for your time and trouble.

“I suppose,” Jaskier agreed. “Plus this outfit is absolutely to die for.”

Yes, and now to the makeup!

---

Geralt was very confused and very tired. He had tracked the dragon through the woods to yet another ancient, dilapidated tower. Jaskier was hidden at the top, no doubt, probably terrified out of his mind. This was the second dragon to capture his idiot bard in a fucking month, though the first time had been extremely unorthodox. Just plain odd, really, considering Geralt’s previous experiences. 

Oh well, nothing he could do now except climb the tower and rescue Jaskier.

---

Jaskier was waiting for his Witcher to arrive while reclining within the coil of Lythos’s enormous blue tail His pants were only a half-shade brighter than her scales and the contrast was remarkably artistic (perhaps by design). The bard was barefoot and his pants were rolled up to just below the knee. Lyth had insisted on decking him out in lots of jewelry since Jaskier was to be her supposed hoard. It will be more realistic and believable if you’re dripping with silver and sapphires, bard. He found himself unable to argue with her logic once again.

Jaskier had a handful of thin silver bands around one ankle, a silver cuff around his left wrist, and another bejeweled cuff at the top of his left bicep, beneath the shirt. Lythos had added a thin silver chain around his neck, which fell to just above his chest hair and ended with a teardrop shaped sapphire pendant. Some kind of crushed gemstone powder had been dusted atop his collarbones and into his hair, making him seem to sparkle in the midday sun. He’d added a light, smudged layer of kohl around his eyes to widen and darken them like he had once at court. The dragon had also demanded that he slide several rings of various styles and sizes onto his long, tapered fingers. It will draw his attention to your hands, she explained. You will thank me tonight, I’m sure.

That suggestion had Jaskier blushing brightly and Lythos had nearly snorted fire from laughing so hard at the young man’s reaction. 

Here he comes! She announced, bringing Jaskier’s back to the present. His blue eyes fixated on the thick wooden door that led from the chamber where Lythos lay curled and ‘guarding’ him to the bedchamber where he’d stayed the last two nights. Very shortly after her announcement there was a determined grunt, a heavy thud, and the door crashed open to reveal Geralt. 

The Witcher was breathing heavily and his nostrils were flared but he wasn’t wearing his armor. He hadn’t been wearing it last time, either, and Jaskier wondered if he was already onto their little charade. “You know I won’t win if we battle,” Geralt admitted, staring across the room at the lounging dragon.

His eyes flickered to Jaskier for a moment, widened when they took in the bard’s appearance, and then returned to staring down the monster. 

I don’t intend to fight you, Witcher, Lythos said, projecting her bored words into both of their minds. Jaskier knew that she was faking the cold disinterest but his heart still picked up speed when one of her large claws hooked beneath his chin and raised him into a slightly taller sitting position. Though I suspect that you’ve come to take back my newest treasure and I am loathe to let it go so soon.

The Witcher nodded, unable to form words. He was nervous for the life of his bard but he was also slightly distracted by the way Jaskier was being forced to arch his neck and tilt his head that way. The bard looked so fucking breakable and soft, surrounded by scales and held partially aloft by such a strong and pointed appendage. His eyes were wide and completely focused on the Witcher, his own peril seemingly irrelevant even as he gasped against the scraping claw. Geralt shook his head to clear it and narrowed his eyes even more. “Don’t hurt him.”

It’s my treasure, Lythos hummed dismissively. I will do with the human lad as I please. Go away, Witcher, and leave us to play.

“He’s not a toy,” Geralt growled. He reached for his sword and cursed when his hand swiped through empty air. He knew bringing a weapon up so many flights of stairs was pointless but he still should have kept it on him for safety. Jaskier made a gentle, nervous noise and the Wicher flinched. “Please don’t hurt him!”

You would barter for the human? For his safe return?

“Take me instead,” Geralt offered. He held his hands up in surrender and took a slow step forward. Lythos lowered Jaskier back down to his lazily reclined position and raised her scaly brow. The bard was shocked; he hadn’t been expecting the Witcher to do something so drastic right away. He’d anticipated some kind of argument first.

You would sacrifice yourself for him? Trade yourself to me in order to save him?

“Of course,” the Witcher scoffed. Lythos could hear his slow heartbeat starting to accelerate. “I love him. I’d do anything for him.”

Hmm. Little treasure, what do you think?

“I can’t let him do that for me. He’s a Witcher, I am merely a traveling bard. The world has more need for him than it does for me.”

“Jaskier,” Geralt half-whimpered. A pleading tone bled into his words as he took another step forward, this time towards the bard, “You foolish man. I know you. You’d grow bored here. You’d grow antsy to travel. You’d try to escape and you’d get yourself hurt or killed or...”

I protect what is mine, the dragon interrupted. He will be safe here. I will keep him happy and entertained.

“Please,” the Witcher sighed. He dropped to his knees and bowed his head forward, white hair falling in a curtain around his ridiculously attractive face. “Jaskier was the first good thing Destiny ever did for me. I can’t lose him.”

I have seen into your heart and know these feelings to be true, Lythos intoned. She spoke as if she was making a very difficult decision and not sticking to a vague pre-determined script. You may take the bard and go, but you must hurry. I may change my mind.

Jaskier clambered out from between the coils of her massive tail and allowed Geralt to sweep him up into those strong, stable arms. He clung to the Witcher’s neck and buried his face to hide his smile. Lythos said her final goodbye to the bard alone; I hope my kin treat you fairly. If they do not, let me know, and I shall take care of it. Thank you for the lovely time.

“Thank YOU,” Jaskier mouthed. 

And then they began to descend the winding tower staircase.

---

“I hope I never see another dragon again in my life except for maybe Borch,” Geralt panted, urging Roach into a slightly faster canter.

“Yeah,” Jaskier said, smiling a little to himself. “Running into another dragon so soon after two nearly identical kidnappings would be very strange.”

[superfluouskeys]

Hello there :) I just created an FFXIV account and wondered what class I should play. Any recommendations?! Luv, Tiny ♥

*a very normal amount of foaming at the mouth* omg!!! welcome and I hope you enjoy!!! it is a wild time -- my entire data center just got locked down as "congested" for the foreseeable future, but I also have a character on Crystal and am happy to help with stuff!

You can play every class in the game eventually, so you're definitely not locked into what you choose! There are also three different starting cities--Ul'dah, Gridania, and Limsa Lominsa--with slightly different intros to the main story. I personally think that the Ul'dah starting story does the best job of introducing characters that are important for the base game's main story, but all are fine! The Limsa Lominsa starting story is my least favourite overall, but that's definitely just personal preference, and it comes with the undeniable bonus that is a tall scary pirate lady.

TANKS

As a tank, you are expected to lead the charge and set the pace for dungeons. You keep enemies focused on you and take the brunt of the damage. You'll have a pretty simple rotation of damage abilities and your focus will be on managing cooldowns to minimize the damage you take. Your starting options are Marauder, which turns into Warrior at level 30, and Gladiator, which turns into Paladin. Both job quest stories are kinda dull, but Gladiator/Paladin gives you Mylla Swordsong who is a gift. Both are a solid option for a starting class, and will make most of your early-game content pretty easy on you. Gladiator/Paladin starts in Ul'dah, while Marauder/Warrior starts in Limsa Lominsa.

HEALERS

As a healer, you are expected to balance keeping the party alive with contributing to damage and crowd control. Your main focus will be keeping yourself alive, as you have the power to resurrect, and keeping the tank alive, as they take the brunt of the damage. Your only option for a starting healer is a Conjurer, which turns into White Mage at level 30, and starts in Gridania. If you like the idea of healing and also want a pretty easy leveling experience with fast dungeon queues, this is a great option--I started as a conjurer on both of my alts that I actually play because White Mage is just easy and fun to play and level. The job quest story is kind of boring though.

DPS/DAMAGE DEALERS

There are three kinds of DPS classes: melee, ranged physical, and ranged magical/casters. Your job is to hit boss until die.

Pugilist starts in Ul'dah and turns into Monk at 30. You hit stuff w your fists. Monks have positional requirements for every single one of their abilities, meaning you have to hit the enemy from a specific position (side or back) in order to do maximum damage. It's kind of complicated to get the hang of, and probably not a great starting class unless you're just really into the idea of it and ready to learn how tf it works.

Rogue starts in Limsa Lominsa and turns into Ninja at 30. You get dual knives and stealth. You get buttons to press where if you mess up you get a lil bunny over your head and you can't do anything for a lil bit. This is one of the few jobs I don't have leveled very high, so I don't really know how it plays at higher levels, but the job quests at low levels are insanely boring imo. Probably a fine starting class if you like the idea/aesthetic of it.

Lancer starts in Gridania and turns into Dragoon at 30. You get a pokey stick and lots of jumps. Very flashy and fun, at high levels it's a nice balance of complicated enough to be interesting to play without being too hard to play well. Job quests are AMAZING and really help you understand where a major character in the first expansion Heavensward is coming from. Very good starting job, highly recommend if you like the idea of jumping and stabbing.

Your only option for a starting ranged physical DPS is Archer, which starts in Gridania and turns into Bard at 30. You get a bow and arrow and songs. Ranged physical DPS are nice bc they don't have to get close to the boss or stand still to do damage. Once you hit 30 you can unlock the Performance action and play music on in-game instruments. Bard is a support DPS that focuses more on giving buffs to the party and does low personal damage. Job quests are nice. Great starting class, easy to play and plenty of good bow and arrow aesthetics if you're into that.

TIME FOR MY FAVES ranged magical DPS require you to stand still to cast most of your abilities, which can be exciting when game mechanics require you to move.

Arcanist starts in Limsa Lominsa and is unique in that it can turn into both Summoner, which is a ranged magical DPS, and Scholar, which is a healer. Any EXP you earn on one, you also earn on the other, though there are separate job quests for each, which I recommend doing lest you find yourself in a level 75 dungeon without half of your scholar abilities because you are DPS trash. :)

Both Scholar and Summoner are pet classes--Scholar has fairies, while Summoner has carbuncles which are these lil babies

Both classes notoriously have a bit of a learning curve. If you want to play a healer, I would definitely recommend learning White Mage before you tackle Scholar. Scholar uses shields rather than regen, meaning you want to anticipate damage rather than react to it, and requires a LOT more resource management, so it's just a good idea to understand how healing works in the game generally before tackling all that extra stuff.

Summoner can be a fine starting class, but you'll probably have to do a bit of outside research to understand what you're supposed to be doing. It can also be a bit clunky to level--I didn't find it really fun to play until level 70. Job quests for both are okay; nothing I'd go out of my way to recommend.

Thaumaturge starts in Ul'dah and turn into Black Mage at 30, and it was my starting class and is still my main, so I'm biased! You get a staff and lots of fiery explosions. As a Black Mage, you have a fire phase where you expend all of your mana casting your explodey boys, then go into an ice phase where you regenerate your mana to do it again. Easy to learn, but difficult to master, as Black Mage requires you to stand still as much as possible, and it only has one defensive ability.

You may have some trouble with solo duties and job quests early on -- I remember feeling really embarrassed that the friends I was playing with finished stuff a lot faster than I did sometimes, but then when I played paladin and white mage respectively I was like oh I get it now lol this is easy af. Job quests are fun--I have a sentimental attachment to the evil lalafells. A solid starting class if you like witchy aesthetics or explosions and don't mind the unique playstyle.

tl;dr: Personally I usually hate whatever people say is an easy starting thing to play in a game and will be much happier working a little harder to learn to play something I like. If you don't like whatever class you pick, you can choose a new one pretty early on, so no stress, and there are also a lot of great jobs that you can't unlock until later! I hope some of this was mildly helpful, and thank you for giving me an excuse to ramble lol!

[dhwty-writes]

Chapter 19 - Golden Gowns and Eventful Evenings

I have no excuse, so I will just post this and run 

Jaskier and Geralt attend the banquet in Goldfurt together. 

prologue | previous | next

Read on AO3

Being the biggest city between Yspaden and Mirt, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Goldfurt exceeded any and all expectations Jaskier might have had before returning after his twenty-year absence. Being governed by his brother-in-law, Janina’s husband no less, it shouldn’t come as a surprise either that they exceeded them in the wrong direction.

Truth be told, he did not remember a lot about the city from his pre-Oxenfurt days. Of course, they had been obligated to visit the banquet every year, both as neighbours as well as the family of the future Countess, but Jaskier had been barely thirteen the last time he had attended the festivities. The only thing he remembered from that visit was his short-lived infatuation with one of Goldfurt’s squires. It had promptly ended when said squire had basically wiped the floor with him in the training yard during their one and only interaction.

After that unpleasantness he had gladly given a rather wide berth to the city and the castle at its centre. Jaskier had even managed to forestall the unhappy reunion for another year due to a cough at the most convenient of times.

This year, however, there was no excuse in the world that would have made it appropriate for him to stay away. Not with his title, not with his renewed betrothal to Lady Alina. Not with the two newest additions to his household, he was supposed to parade around like a pair of exotic animals.

Jaskier ground his teeth as he tugged at the sleeves of his shirt. ‘Melitele’s tits, I’d gladly attend the dinner if I could leave Ciri and Geralt in Lettenhove,’ he thought bitterly. But that would not only be a grievous insult, it would also rouse more suspicion and rumours than they already did. ‘Best hide them in plain sight.’ And if something unforeseeable were to happen, they could also make a quick escape.

Due to these unforeseen developments, the lack of information had posed quite an obstacle. If there was one particular lesson the twenty years with Geralt had taught him, then it was that ignorance in the face of danger could be fatal. And while one might assume, that a witcher’s lifestyle was much more deadly than a Viscounts, Jaskier would gladly go and fight a dozen ghouls with nothing but his lute, instead of entering the vipers’ nest that was Goldfurt.

Extensive reconnaissance—consisting of squeezing as much information as possible out of his three sisters—had revealed that he might actually have better chance with the ghouls. The silk doublet his servant buttoned up would do little against daggers in the dark or libations laced with poison. Not that he expected his kin and kinfolk-to-be to try and murder him at a dinner party, of course. He expected them to have some decorum at least.

Still, he had entered the city knowing fully well that he was anathema to at least half a dozen invited guests, not least of all their host. On the other hand, which relative of his wife was not anathema to Filip Firkalt?  None of them, that was which. It had been one of the primary sources of their entertainment in the past days.

It was no secret that while he and his sisters nursed a precarious love-hate-relationship, the loving aspect was completely lost on the in-laws. The source of that animosity, of course, lay in the title he now bore. The moment his disappearance after his graduation from Oxenfurt had become public knowledge, both of his brothers-in-law had begun vying for what was rightfully his, Kerton with his heir even more so than childless Goldfurt. The fact that he had returned to rob them of what they had already considered theirs, was just another strain on their relationship.

Another of the lessons Geralt had imparted to him, was the importance of a plan. So, not only had the four Pankratz siblings spent their evenings mocking the stupidities they had been forced to endure by the hands of the men in their lives the past two decades, they had also conspired how best to pay them back within the confines of propriety. Two of them, at least. Janina and her blood-tear mourning garb had only been the appetiser for the main course that was to be served at the banquet tonight.

Or rather, it should have been. For the first vital life lesson he had learned on the Path was that every plan, no matter how good or bad, immediately went to shit upon the first contact with the opponents. Theirs had been no exception to the rule. The memory still made him clench his fist in anger. The disrespect shown to him and his sisters by not riding out to greet them was one thing. But he should have punched Goldfurt in the face when he first had called Geralt a dog. ‘Right then and there, castle peace be damned.’

“M’lord?” the attendant fussing over his cuffs called his attention with a meek voice. “Begging your pardon, but you have to let go of that fist, m’lord.”

“Oh,” he replied dumbfounded as his eyes travelled down to the rings he was holding in his hands. “Of course.” Slowly, he uncurled his tightly clenched fingers, while she slipped the signet ring as well as the embellished buttercup ring in place.

Jaskier stared blankly at his mirror image, fighting the urge to smile at the sight of him clad in Lettenhove ochre and muted autumnal colours. It would be the last time to dress for such an occasion before winter undoubtedly would settle in but a few days. He would be in need of a level head as much as a stoic façade for this evening. No matter how much he wanted to shout out his delight over his delivery from the straightjacket that had been his mourning garb. He wouldn’t have a lute to do so anyways, so there was no point in it.

In any way, there was no bard required this evening. He needed to be the Viscount de Lettenhove instead, protecting all those who had sought shelter at his home and hearth for the winter. ‘Geralt chief among them all.’ The witcher had protected him for nigh twenty years of his life, after all. After all these years of watching helplessly as villagers, nobles, and innkeepers had made Geralt’s life miserable, he was finally in a position to repay him. And it was high time that he did so.

“Will that be everything, m’lord?” the servant asked with a coy smile.

“Yes.”

He bowed obediently, still lingering. “Shall I be waiting for your return?”

Jaskier spared him a short considerate glance. He was quite an attractive fellow, although far too young. “Best not,” he answered, doing his best to keep the contempt from dripping into his voice. It wasn’t directed at the servant anyways. “It will be rather late, I’ll wager.” He certainly wasn’t desperate enough to take a man to ben who might not be offering his companionship for his own volition but because of ill-directed instructions he’d received.

Besides, he had a witcher to get to. The servant bolted from the room and Jaskier quickly followed, but not before grabbing the bundle on his bed.

His witcher had been billeted at a ridiculous distance to Jaskier’s own rooms in quarters which found themselves in a distressingly poor state. Well, nothing in Goldfurt Castle classified as ‘poor’ exactly, but in comparison to the usually upheld standard, it was scarcely better than the rug on the floor he’d been offered at first. The unfairness of it all made his blood boil.

Geralt, on the other hand, remained as unfazed as Jaskier was accustomed to. He had even kept him from running back to make good on his first impulse to bestow their host with a bloody nose. Instead, he had praised the quarters and assured him that he would be just fine, before ushering him out.

‘Maybe,’ a treacherous voice in the back of his head hissed, ‘he’s even glad to get away from you.’

Jaskier gnawed on his lower lip. He couldn’t even fault Geralt for that. His own welcome for his oldest friend had been anything but warm and he was well aware of the coldness freezing the air between them. ‘He still hasn’t apologised,’ he reminded himself. ‘Stubborn mule.’ Instead, Geralt had hurt him even more, albeit unknowingly so. Not that that made it hurt any less.

The same door that had slammed shut behind his back a few days prior blocked the path before him now. Jaskier didn’t allow himself a second thought and swung it open. “Ger—” He was with one foot over the threshold already, when he suddenly remembered and the fear of finding Geralt in bed with Marin stole his voice.

“My lord?”

He appeared to be in luck. Geralt was alone in the chamber. And nearly naked. The only strip of fabric on his person was a towel slung low around his hips and the shirt in his hands, his hair still damp from a bath.

“Uhm,” he said eloquently, while he desperately tried to get his thoughts into order. Unfortunately, he did not manage before his mouth started talking without any cerebral input: “You’re not wearing that,” he blurted of all things.

No ‘Good evening, Geralt’, or ‘How are you enjoying your stay, Geralt?’, or even ‘Fuck, why can’t we go back to how it was before, I’m slowly losing my mind, Geralt.’

No, it was 'You're not wearing that.'

If ever there was a moment for the skies to part and the gods to strike him down with a well-placed bolt of lightning, this was certainly is, right before 'You don't want to keep a man with bread in his pants waiting.' What was it about the witcher that made him so exceptionally stupid? Whatever it was, if the gods could hurry up and erase his existence from this earth, Jaskier would be much obliged, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, nothing happened.

Nothing of that sort, at least, because something happened and that was Geralt slowly glancing down at the towel and up at Jaskier again to deadpan: "I wasn't going to."

"Good," Jaskier's mouth ambled on.

He had to hand it to Geralt, the fact that he didn't so much as raise his eyebrows before moving to put on the shirt was undoubtedly one of his greatest displays of discipline so far.

"You're not going to wear that, either," Jaskier continued, slowly regaining control of his words again.

“Why not?” he asked, his voice impossibly honest. As if there was nothing wrong with the black shirt and breeches, he had worn on the day they’d arrived.

“Because,” he quipped and tossed him the bag he was carrying, “you’re not going as a witcher tonight. This is my brother-in-law’s banquet; we have a reputation to uphold. You're my friend and anyone who knows me, which is everyone here, is well aware that the only way my friend is dressed in anything but the finest clothing would be over my dead body. I'd never allow you to stand out for your tastelessness and considering that you don't appear to have a fashion sense for yourself, I'll gladly provide you with assistance."

"Hmm." Geralt cleared his throat and said: "I need to change if you want me to wear that." He flourished the expensive clothes in his hand.

"Right." Jaskier took a breath to steady himself. But somehow, his feet didn't move.

He raised his gaze with an amused expression on his face. "You need to leave the room, my lord, unle-" The expression on his face changed rapidly as if he was just realising what he was saying.

The barbed retort was already on the tip of his tongue: 'Why, Geralt, are you offering I stay to watch?' But the image of him and Marin kissing was much too present in his mind as it was, so Jaskier bit his lip to keep it from escaping. 'He's not mine to keep,' he reminded himself. 'Never has been, never will be.' "Right," he forced out and turned around, "I'll wait for you in the hallway." He wasn't sure either of them would survive the dinner otherwise.

Jaskier did his best to keep from fidgeting and pacing while he waited outside, which was no easy feat considering the nervousness and hum of energy building within him. Normally, he wasn’t prone to fits of anxiousness. Tonight, however, there was so much that could go wrong, so much that would ruin everything, so much—

Mercifully, the spiral of dread was interrupted by the quiet lock of a door behind him, accompanied by Geralt politely clearing his throat.

“Finally!” Jaskier meant to say as he turned on his heel. What got out was more of a garble: "Hngh." Geralt looked... dashing. There was no other word for it, truly. Well other than 'otherworldly beautiful and I can't decide whether the outfit choice was the best or worst idea I had in a long time and shit, I really should have taken that into consideration; he's not yours to keep, Jaskier, get it together, gods damnit!'

Yeah, dashing was much easier than that. Blue suited him, but Jaskier had already known that. He had chosen the outfit for their last ball together as well, after all. But in contrast to that disastrous outfit, the witcher wore clothes that actually fit him, instead of too small things Jaskier had pulled out of his bag. And on top of that, the witcher had the audacity to smirk. "You approve, my lord?"

"I do," Jaskier managed without embarrassing himself further. "We should go," he decreed. "The Count and Countess will make their appearance soon; it is considered terribly impolite to arrive after them."

"And you're only aiming for impolite?" Geralt teased.

Jaskier frowned and quickly looked down to hide a smile. It was true, most of the meticulous planning by him and his sisters prior to this visit had been to be as impolite as possible while still operating within the socially acceptable norms. Janina and her blood-tear mourning garb had been only the beginning of what would undoubtedly come to a head this evening.

Judging by the quiet snort beside him, he wasn’t quick enough. “Geralt,” he spoke up a few moments later.

“My lord?”

He grimaced slightly. “You probably shouldn’t call me that tonight. It would only… raise suspicion.”

The witcher frowned deeply. “And what should I call you then?”

“Julian,” he said simply. “That’s my name, you know.”

“I thought you resented that name.”

‘I do,’ he thought. “I mustn’t,” he answered and continued on into the dining hall. A large part of the nigh two hundred guests had already arrived and heated the room up nicely, in spite of the freezing temperatures outside. A plethora of voices filled his ears, the kind of pleasant buzz that usually promised an eager crowd Jaskier could sail upon. But he couldn't, so now the mix was irritating, fraying his nerves. And it smelt. Not quite enough to actually stink, but that would come soon enough with the fragrances mixing with sweat and food.

All of the sudden, Jaskier pitied Geralt. He knew the witcher had much finer senses than he did and if he was nearly overwhelmed-

A nigh unnoticeable touch at his elbow made him whip around. He stared directly at Geralt's face. "Are you alright?" the witcher asked quietly, concern etched onto every fibre of his body.

"Quite," Jaskier answered stiffly, letting his eyes sweep over the crowd until he spotted Ciri and Józefa at a table directly beneath the dais. “Let us join my lovely sister and cousin, shall we?” the Viscount announced with a bright smile frozen on his face as he crossed the threshold, a gentle hand on Geralt’s elbow to ensure he would follow.

There was no announcement, no herald making their arrival known, yet at least half a dozen heads turned their direction immediately. A hushed whisper spread through the ballroom with each of their footfalls, like ripples on a still lake during a rain shower that turned into a thunderstorm. A few moments passed, none of the attendants quite sure how to react—Julian Pankratz’ return had been surprising to all, disconcerting to most, and relieving to none.

Then: “Julian Pankratz!” a booming voice cut through the backdrop of murmurs, the crowd parting to let the speaker through. “I didn’t think you’d have the guts to show your face here.”

Jaskier’s lips curled into a true smile for but a moment when he recognised him. “Dawid,” he greeted his former friend, wincing slightly when he pounded on his shoulder, “I wouldn’t have if I had known you’d be here.”

The knight laughed at that, slung an arm around his shoulders and pulled him along. After that it was as if a wall had broken down. The journey to their places was torturously slow, continuously interrupted by former friends and lovers, now married and introducing their heirs, enemies and strangers, who sought to curry favours, or just regular attendants who just wanted an excuse to gawk at him.

They had almost made it, the end of their table already in touching distance, when another petitioner approached. It was a young boy, a squire, Jaskier guessed, dressed in Goldfurt’s livery, who bowed deeply. “My lord, my lord Goldfurt sends his regrets for the unfortunate seating situation,” the boy said with a wavering voice. “I am to let you know that there unfortunately is not enough space to accommodate all of your family as well as your witcher.”

Jaskier did not have to look up at the half-empty dais to know it was a blatant lie. “Unfortunate indeed,” he replied curtly.

“However, his lordship asked me to inform you that you yourself are welcome to join him at the high table, as are the two maidens who share his blood. And that you may rest assured, my lord, the witcher will enjoy himself just fine where he is.”

"I thank you kindly," Jaskier answered primly. "If you would do me the favour of relaying a message to her ladyship, now? Tell my sister, what is good enough for my witcher is good enough for me. I do not wish to add any additional strain to our familial relationship than there already is with our presence, which is why I am sure I will enjoy the festivities just as well down here as up there."

The boy stared up at him with wide eyes. "Lady Goldfurt," impressed upon him again. "If possible, in the presence of Lady Kerton." He nodded hastily and disappeared.

When Jaskier turned around with a sigh he was met with Geralt's dark expression. "What?"

"Do you think it advisable-"

He waved his hand around tiredly, continuing his path to Józefa and Ciri. Fuck, he was exhausted already and the banquet hadn't even started yet. "Do not worry about my wisdom, Geralt, I know more about these affairs than you do."

"It's not your wisdom or intelligence I question, I know you have both aplenty. It's your foresight. I do not know you to be a patient man."

"And I am not, but luckily it is not of the essence in this case. I am aware we tread on unfamiliar territory for you, but I grew up here. I am well aware of how far I, Julian of Lettenhove, can go before truly insulting someone. Lucky for us both, it is much farther that either you, Geralt of Rivia, or I, Jaskier the bard, could hope to. If anything, it will reflect poorly on our host to deny me my designated place over such a petty squabble. It will earn us sympathies!"

"What will earn us sympathies?" Ciri's eager voice asked.

"The fact that you will have to make do with this entirely new place for you, cublet, that is not at the side of the host of such a lavish gathering,” Jaskier replied and bowed with a flourish, taking her hand to kiss her knuckles. She giggled. “Madam, what a joy it is to see you. Truly, you are the jewel that crowns this evening; your beauty outshines the rising sun after a moonless night.”

“Thank you, Lord Lettenhove,” she answered with a perfect curtsy, during which the skirts of her dress flared out. Lettenhove ochre, just like his doublet, he noticed, and her dark hair plaited in an updo that must have taken hours to complete. It left no doubts as to where she belonged. She glanced up at him with a malicious glint in her eyes. "Do you know the best part?" she whispered.

He leaned down to her. "Tell me."

"The skirts are so wide, I could still gut a man in it."

Jaskier blinked in surprise; it was the quiet chuckle form Geralt that got him to finally break into laughter. "And what a good thing that is," he assured her.

"Fiona," Józefa chided softly. "I told you not to say that in nice company."

“Of course, cousin,” Ciri replied with a mischievous grin, “I would never.”

"Thank you," he said, rolling his eyes and winked at Ciri. He couldn't stop the feeling of pride welling up within him, but at least he could stop himself from hugging her by approaching his sister and kissing her hand as well. "You, madam, are just as dazzling as our young cousin. I fear I shall be blinded after this night, surrounded by so much beauty."

Behind him he heard Geralt whisper to Ciri: "What answer?"

"I just insulted him politely," Ciri answered just as hushed, evidently very proud himself. 

Józefa huffed and crossed her arms under her chest. She was wearing an expensive red robe with orange embroidery and primroses etched on the edge. "You are a woeful waffler, brother. But you look good, too. Nice and proper."

"Nice and proper indeed," Jaskier replied and straightened his impeccable doublet. "You think I can fool them into thinking I am just as much of a stuck-up prick as my father was and as they are?"

"Hmm," she hummed and cast a quick glance around. "I think you already have. Maybe yell at a few servants or refuse to speak to any of the ladies if the topic is not their beauty if you really want to drive the point home."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Working on it, sister dearest. I'm working on it." He clapped his hands and smiled brightly. "Well, let's get comfortable, shall we?" he chirped and pulled the chair back for his sister and Ciri in turn.

When he turned to Geralt and quirked a curious eyebrow when he still found him standing. The witcher looked back and forth between Jaskier and his two wards before shrugging. Geralt pulled back his seat with the mockery of a bow. 

He huffed a quiet laugh. "Thank you, my friend," Jaskier said with a subtle touch to Geralt's shoulder as he sat down.

"You're welcome. Julian," he said, as if he was probing out the taste of the unfamiliar name in his lips. A moment later he grimaced, as if it was particularly disgusting.

Jaskier was almost about to tease him about him when the great doors opened and Lord Goldfurt walked in with Janina on his arm. His sister looked magnificent, if he dared say so himself. While she usually didn't indulge in the luxuries that her advantageous marriage granted her, Jaskier was sure that she was wearing the most luxurious dress she had donned since her wedding. It was in dark and subdued tones, almost dark enough to count as mourning, that screamed "Lettenhove" at the same time.

Jaskier smirked. It had been a brilliant idea on Justyna's part.

The unhappy pair stopped before the dais, Janina stone-faced and Filip with a smile that fooled no-one. "My dear friends," he greeted them, "I am overjoyed that I am able to greet all of you once again at the beginning of this new year. May it bring prosperity and health for all of us. Especially my estranged brother-in-law, Julian Pankratz who has finally ascended to his rightful place as Lord Lettenhove. It's an honour and a pleasure to finally host the famous Pankratz siblings again. A shame that you are missing one of your matching set. What do you say, Julian? A toast of the famous poet!"

Jaskier rose from his seat to the thundering applause and bowed exaggeratedly. Somehow, this was the most calming thing he had done in months. "Thank you, thank you," he placated. " I fear neither honour nor pleasure are the words our hosts usually describe us with." It roused a laugh from the crowd. "But, for the sake of this tradition, we will behave.

"I am thrilled, though I am entirely undeserving of the praise. Here's to my sisters, who are more beautiful than a bouquet of larkspurs. To the Count of Goldfurt, our gracious host. It is my utmost joy to finally be reunited with my family and my home. To Redania! And to his beautiful lady wife, my sister, Janina of Lettenhove."

He could practically feel the temperature drop in the hall as soon as he had uttered the last words, all eyes trained on Goldfurt to see how he might react. He practically didn't react at all, besides begrudgingly raising his goblet to his mouth and taking the tiniest of sips. "To home," he agreed reluctantly, "and my lady wife."

Janina, on the other hand, barely contained her grin and drank a big gulp. "To home," she said as well and the toast echoed through the hall, slowly reciprocated by all of the guests. The toasts were mixed with murmurs of confusion that died as soon as the food started to appear.

The banquet itself was a dreary affair as noble banquets often were, especially if the people at your table were of the quiet sort. And what was Geralt if not the quietest of them all?

Still, Jaskier delighted in pointing out the Counts, Barons and knights to Ciri. Between Józefa and himself they managed not only to call up old history lessons of their neighbours and their connections to Lettenhove, but also a fair share of gossip as the first course was served: fish. Oh, and what fish it was. Platters upon platters of smoked cod was passed in front of them, along with roast pike and fat carps in beer sauce, accompanied with little pastries of perch, trout, and salmon.

It was good. No, divine even. Not as good as Ana's cooking at home, but that was hard to beat. Apart from that it might be the best food he'd eaten in years.

"Did you know," Józefa stage-whispered and leaned over to him, "that three years ago Goldfurt's aunt was found in flagrante with Dergetten's elder sister?"

Jaskier gasped, pretending to be scandalised. "You're kidding. That old bag?"

"What's in flagrante?" Ciri wanted to know and Geralt choked on his food. "Jaskier, what's it mean?"

"Umm," he felt his cheeks grow hot. "You know what? Geralt will gladly explain that to you." The witcher shot him a mean glare that betrayed that, no, he absolutely would not. At this point he decided that it was best to change the topic. "Do you see that old knight over there?" he asked and discreetly pointed at the table across the dance floor from them. "He's supposed to be a dragon slayer."

Geralt snorted disbelievingly, and Jaskier shrugged. "Oh, we all know he's a liar. He's got the dragon's wings hanging in his hall, I've seen them. If you ask me, it's a bat he killed. And not even an especially large one."

Ciri giggled at that and Jaskier happily continued to dish out child-appropriate rumours as the next round of dishes for them to choose from was paraded around. It was poultry next, roast chickens, chicken pastries, scalloped chickens. But also, a dozen herons, little carrot-nests with fieldfares, and truffled capon. And all along the wine flowed freely. Est-Est was brought out by the barrel, as well as dry reds, sweet whites and even the odd sparkling wine in between. Normally, Jaskier would have indulged happily, but he had the feeling that he should keep a clear head for the evening. Besides, he had monitor Ciri's alcohol intake, who readily charmed the servants into slipping another sip into her watered-down wine.

They had just advanced to the main courses—fourteen suckling pigs, two dozen roast veal, eight whole boars, a handful of oxen, with thick gravy, cooked and fried and braised roots and an overabundance of cabbages. White cabbages, red cabbages, pickled cabbage, cabbage salad—oh, how he missed Toussaint in the winter—when some puffed-up peacock playing at being a poet swaggered onto the dance floor. Jaskier huffed and crossed his arms, pointedly ignoring Geralt's bemused stares. 'The bardlet isn't even good,' Jaskier noted and forced himself to stop listening, else he might work himself into a rage over the blatant display of negative talent, that's what it was—

Geralt relieved a servant of her pitcher to refill both their goblets. Upon seeing Jaskier's questioning expression he shrugged. "Might make it more bearable for both of us," he explained and nudged the cup towards him. "This night I won't suffer sober."

He laughed hoarsely and clinked their cups together before taking a large gulp. "To sobriety, then."

"To banquets," Geralt added and glanced over to Ciri, "and no more surprises."

"What are you two talking about?" she wanted to know.

"The last banquet we attended together," Jaskier answered, steadfastly trying to ignore how his heart hurt at the thought. "It's where... we met your mother."

"Oh." She perked up at that, although her eyes seemed to grow sadder. "Was it... was it similar?"

"No," Jaskier said, just as Geralt replied: "Yes."

They blinked at each other for a moment before looking away. Jaskier tried to ignore the curious look Ciri gave him before she was distracted by Józefa again, the gods bless her soul. He was sure the little princess wasn't listening anymore and he was even more sure that Geralt was well aware of it, when the witcher growled: "The music was better."

"Excuse me?" he squeaked. Quickly, he cleared his throat. "Excuse me?" he asked again

He leaned over to him and Jaskier eyed him warily. "The bard's shit," he hissed. "Can't even carry a simple tune."

Well. That wasn't untrue. But hearing it from Geralt made him nearly spit out his wine. "You think all bards are shit," he responded as soon as he had recovered from his coughing fit.

"Bull-fucking-shit," Geralt growled. "I like your singing well enough."

He raised an incredulous eyebrow. "You called my singing a fillingless pie."

He shrugged. "And I still think that's true. Tasty crust," he impaled a piece of pie on his fork, "no filling." He pointed his fork at Jaskier. "Pretty voice, empty lyrics."

"Oh, so you think I have a pretty voice?" the words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "Anything else about me that appeals to your artistic eye?"

"Hmm," Geralt answered and raked his eyes over Jaskier's body before quickly hiding his smile behind his goblet. Not quickly enough, though. His cheeks grew hot with the blush and he frowned darkly.

'Stop it,' he commanded himself. 'No use reading meanings into something where nothing's there.' He drained his water glass. He was is desperate need of a clear head, for he was quite aware that the heat coursing through his body was not merely caused by the many people getting drunk in the room.

At least he could distract himself with dessert being served: sweet pumpkin pies and baked, stuffed apples, red berry groats and oat biscuits with honey and cinnamon. Jaskier was quick enough to snatch the cup of mulled wine out of Ciri's hands, but could hardly protest the platter laden with all different kinds of sweets—not when his plate didn't look any different.

He passed the goblet he had just salvaged over to Geralt, who just scoffed. "Oh, now he's ripping off your songs," the witcher grumbled. "Ridiculous."

Jaskier sighed. "Let him." He knew there were enough impostors; he had stopped caring years ago.

"He's not even getting the lyrics right."

"I thought they were empty anyways," he remarked and popped a biscuit into his mouth.

"Not the point."

"Jaskier," Ciri interrupted them, "they're starting to dance."

He frowned as he saw Goldfurt leading Janina onto the dance floor to signify the end of the dinner. He sighed as he caught Lady Alina's eye on the other side of the hall. No doubt he would be expected to share at least one dance with his betrothed, for propriety's sake.

"I suppose you should join them, Julian," Geralt quipped and crossed his arms as they watched Justyna and Damian join them on the dance floor.

"I suppose I should."

"Well?"

He rolled his eyes. "Maybe later. For the moment, allow me to abuse your presence to hide from my duties." He watched his two sisters dance when another thought hit him: "Wait, how do you know that the lyrics are wrong?"

Jaskier could've sworn he saw a blush creep up Geralt's cheeks as the witcher grumbled something unintelligible and hid behind his tankard again.

"Geralt of Rivia," Jaskier gasped indignantly, "are you trying to tell me, you memorised my songs?"

"Don't flatter yourself."

“I—” Jaskier began, only to be interrupted by Józefa: “Julian,” she called his attention. “I believe you should honour the Lady Alina with a dance.”

“Fine,” he ground out and rose to his feet.  “I believe I have to surrender you to my sister’s care for a while, so I fear our conversation will have to come to a close for the moment.”

“Pity,” the witcher grumbled and leaned back in his seat, obviously not finding it a pity at all.

Jaskier laughed as if he had just told a joke. “Do try to enjoy yourself, my friend.” He winked, though his heart sank. “I’ll be back.”

He wasn’t quite sure if he should be relieved or not to leave the witcher and his sour mood behind, though he was sure that his own mood grew worse with every step. Eyes and whispers clung to him all along the way, although he pretended not to hear.

He couldn’t deny them their right to gossip; they were landed gentry after all, what else were they supposed to do with their pitiable lives? He’d just prefer that gossip to be limited to him and not the newest two additions to his household.

He had been hesitant, at first, to bring both of them to Goldfurt. Truly the last thing on earth they needed was more attention on Lettenhove. But after some long talks with Józefa they had come to the conclusion that there were rumours anyways. Not bringing the two of them along would look even more conspicuous.

In the end, he wasn’t the one who found his betrothed, for she beat him to the chase. “Lord Lettenhove,” she called for his attention.

“Lady Alina,” he did little to mask his surprise. “You’re just the one I was looking for.”

“Were you now?” She raised her eyebrows. “No doubt for the same reasons as I do.”

“And which might those be?”

“To satisfy my brother’s demands that we socialise, of course,” she replied and raised her fan to hide her exaggerated yawn. “Is there not a question you should ask me?”

Jaskier bowed gracefully. "May I have this dance, my lady?"

“You may.” She barely even bothered with a curtsy before she let herself be led to the centre of the dance floor. The spent about half of the dance in icy silence, before Lady Alina finally spoke up: “So, are the rumours true then?”

“Rumours?” he feigned ignorance.

She snorted. “Do not insult me, Lettenhove. We both know that you are well aware what I am talking about.”

Of course, he knew. The whole society talked about nothing else but Fiona Nowak’s parents. There was a myriad of different stories where she came from and why she was in Lettenhove now, many of which he and Józefa had planted themselves. The most wide-spread, however, was the only one that he had actually tried to extinguish: “If you want to pretend, you’re more stupid than you actually are, fine. Let me be frank, my lord. Is young Miss Nowak your bastard daughter?”

He locked his jaw. “Those rumours are none that I encouraged,” he answered curtly.

“That does not answer my question.”

“And yet it is the only answer I will give on that matter,” he insisted. He had no wish to discuss the matter any further, so he was not quite sure what made him continue talking: “Though it is true that she is very dear to me, as is her safety. I would do anything to keep her safe.”

“How admirable,” she responded drily. “Though again, I would have thought the cleverness of your sisters runs in the family. I am disappointed to see that it doesn’t.”

He raised his eyebrows. ‘Ouch.’ Were he a man easily slighted, he would have taken offence. In reality, though, he was only impressed. “Are you well acquainted with them, my lady?”

“With some better than others. Did you know that I spent a few years in Nowigrad?”

He tensed up and she laughed.

“Of course, you did. You avoided the city like the plague back then.” Lady Alina smiled politely. “Well, Jolanta sends her regards.”

He frowned. She had never told him that she knew his former fiancée.

“She also lets you know that another friend of yours is growing restless with… this.” She made a vague gesture at the gossiping nobles around them.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I could not say, my lord, I am but the messenger.” The music stopped and she stepped back from him immediately. “I believe we have satisfied our duties. Good night, my lord.”

Even after leaving his fiancée in the arms of another, the dancing did not stop. Instead of his feet tracing patterns over the floor, his words took over as he found himself getting sucked deeper and deeper into the deadly dance of deception that was so popular with all nobles. Whenever he spun, trying to step off the dance floor of politics he found himself in the slippery grasp of yet another opponent. Chief among them, of course, were his sisters.

"Despicable old bag," Janina hissed, still eyeing the dowager Baroness he had rescued her from. "She's rotten to the bone."

"A Dergetten through and through," he agreed. "Józefa told me she’s the reason Lady Zibold came down with that horrible stomach sickness two years ago."

"Really, Julek?" She rolled her eyes. "You, churning the rumour mill?"

He shrugged. He had never claimed to be above these petty squabbles; he was landed gentry, after all, what else was he supposed to do with his pitiable life?

He spun away from her, soon to be embraced by another lady. All the while he danced, he could hear the rumours continue to spread like wildfire.

“Did you hear Lettenhove had the witcher bring his bastard to his keep?” he heard one nobleman whisper.

“She’s supposed to be the daughter of some whore,” another quipped.

“Don’t be a fool, Alma, she’s the Countess de Stael’s daughter; remember how she retreated to a temple for a few months a decade ago?”

“No, she has elf blood in her veins, it’s why he hid her.”

On and on the whispers went and Jaskier couldn’t help but roll his eyes at them. Not a single one of them got even close to the truth. He supposed he had to be grateful for that and he couldn’t resist the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth when he saw her. She was hand in hand with Daria, sweeping over the dance floor and disturbing this dancing couples in the process.

He spun a web of lies to evade a landed knight’s curious questions and found himself on the dancefloor again within the blink of an eye, Justyna in his arms.

"I am glad to see her so joyous," he said with a fond smile as Ciri and Daria swept past them again, nearly knocking Janina and Goldfurt over in the process. "Both of them." His smile widened even more when he saw her keeping her husband from reprimanding them. 'You can't hide from me, Janka,' he thought triumphantly, 'she's gotten to you just as much as to the rest of us.'

Justyna hummed her approval. "She's a sullen child, is she not? I feared she might faint during our first meeting."

Jaskier sighed. "She's been through a lot, Konwalia. She's seen so many bad things, worse than anything you or me can imagine, and she's just a child."

He stepped away to bow to her as she spun away from him. When he pulled her close again, she averted her gaze. "Maybe I didn't give you enough credit. Maybe you might be able to understand."

“Maybe I might be,” he agreed cautiously. “Where’s Julek, by the way? I don’t think I’ve seen him in hours.”

"He's— Miss Nina put him to bed. He was... not feeling well."

"He's a quiet boy."

"He is. Easily overwhelmed, too. He doesn't smile a lot either. He's a good boy, though," she assured him quickly.

"That I do not doubt," he said and smiled. She didn't return it. "Justyna?" Her gaze flickered away nervously as she tugged on her sleeve. It was a bad habit their father had beaten out of her even before he'd left. It worried him. “You—I am aware that you think me unable to comprehend your worries, and maybe you are right and I am. However, I hope that you would still confide in me after all these years. If there is anything short of murder and treason within my power to help you and yours, I will do it, without hesitation.”

She kept silent for a few more moments, looking uneasy. "It's Damian," she told him quietly. "He believes him a changeling."

He huffed disbelievingly. “A changeling?”

“Yes,” she confirmed. “That’s what he settled for after accusing me of adultery first. He does not believe that a son of his could be this—”

“Inadequate?” Jaskier offered, well-acquainted with that particular paternal sentiment.

“He is not what he wants his son to be. Not courageous, not knightly enough, while Daria is—not enough of a boy to be precisely that.”

“And isn’t that a familiar tune?” Jaskier sighed quietly. “I am sorry your son takes this much after his namesake.”

“I am not.” She raised her chin defiantly. “For I love his namesake, just as I love my son.”

“I am glad to hear that.” The song ended and they both took a step backwards. Jaskier reached down and gently lifted her knuckles to his lips. “Worry not, my lady. For the time being, you are guests in Lettenhove, protected by my castle peace. And I happen to be quite fond of cowards, monsters, and inadequate children.”

Her expression softened. “I know you are. Thank you, Jaskier.”

He squeezed her hand briefly, before excusing himself, in desperate need of a drink—and a conversation with a certain witcher, he believed. The ballroom floor was as dangerous a terrain as it had been the whole evening, but Jaskier deftly dodged those who threatened to converse with him before collapsing in the chair next to Geralt. "Finally," he sighed and gladly took the goblet his witcher handed him.

“Did you have fun, Julian?” Geralt asked him and Jaskier raised an incredulous eyebrow.

“Did I look like I was having fun?” he countered.

“I am sure there was quite a number of attendants you managed to fool.” The unspoken ‘but not me’ hang heavy in the air between them and for a moment he allowed himself to bask in the familiarity of that. Jaskier closed his eyes, the noise and smell and lights draining away with every heartbeat until he could pretend it was just the two of them in a lonely clearing, sharing a skin of sour wine. Just them, just friends, just a witcher and his bard.

The illusion was sundered all too soon by a voice they had suffered all too long for one evening already. "Good sirs, might I persuade you to make a request?” Jaskier opened his eyes again and found himself staring into the young and bright-eyed face of a bard whose hopes and dreams were surely about to be crushed. The boy smiled widely and bowed. “Along with a bit of constructive criticism, mayhaps?"

Jaskier exchanged a quick glance with Geralt and, slowly and deliberately, set down his goblet as he waited for the answer he knew would come: "You changed the lyrics," Geralt stated, "not for the better."

"And how would you know?" the bardling asked with too much enthusiasm and tilted his head to the side. He gave them both a thorough look before gasping with excitement. "Oh, I know who you are! You're the witcher, Geralt of Rivia. And you-" He turned to Jaskier and his eyes grew wide. "Master Jaskier!" He bowed deeply. "It's an honour to meet you, truly it is. I have studied all of your work, sir, I am one of your greatest admirers."

He did his best to hide his pained expression with a smile. "I fear I do not go by that name anymore. I am old and weary; it is time for the new generation to get a chance. Viscount Lettenhove, if you please."

“Of course, my lord. And, if I may be so bold: wise words, wise words indeed,” the bard preened, too caught up in his speech to notice Geralt’s elbow landing in Jaskier’s ribcage or the wheeze that escaped him at that. "Might I humbly request a piece of advice of you? It would honour me greatly, no matter—”

"You may," he interrupted him and shot a glance at Geralt. "Stop singing other people's songs."

"But-"

"Don't interrupt him," Geralt growled.

“Thank you, my witcher,” Jaskier said and twirled his goblet in his hand. “See, young man, here’s the issue: you may be a bard, might even call yourself a strolling minstrel, and yet you are living off another’s hard work. I do not begrudge you for it; repeating songs you have heard certainly is a way to make your living. Mind you, however, that a poet, a troubadour, a veritable minstrel is, first and foremost, an artist.”

“But—” the bardling laughed nervously. “But I do not paint pictures.”

“Evidently,” Geralt grumbled just as Jaskier asked: “Don’t you?” He sighed and took a sip. “I certainly did. My experiences were my canvas, my emotions my paints, my aching heart my brush. Which is why I cannot sing the songs of another. How can you aspire to give a true performance, pour your heart and soul into it, if you don't even know what you're singing? You're still young, so go out into the world while you still have the chance. See if you don't find something that's worth singing about."

"How will I know that I have found such a thing?"

"Oh,” he stared into his goblet, “you will."

"But what is it? Will my heart stop when I spot it? Will—Will I lay my life on the line for it? Is it something worth dying for?"

"No," Jaskier said softly, "your life will stop, that much is true; but it isn't something that ends so much as something that begins. You will know when you have found something worth singing about, when you find something worth living for."

Next to him, his witcher choked on his wine.

[kunstpause-archive]

FFXIV NPCs as the type of players you meet in game

Inspired by the FFXIV husbands as healers post I thought what about all sorts of NPCs as your average FFXIV player you meet in the game?

~

Haurchefant: Doesn’t voluntarily play dps, he’s a tank at heart. If he has to he goes Ninja so he can still support his party. Has the annoying tendency to think he can off-tank as a dps and takes tankbusters not meant for him to “just help out.” As a tank he sometimes goes for flashy maneuvers more than safe use of cooldowns. The tank that always clicks hallowed ground just half a second too late.

Merlwyb: Big crit dps is all nice but steady and consistent wins the game for her. She is a strategist at heart, able to adapt to every situation and having a plan for each single moment in the fight. Her burst windows will make you wish you were the same class as her - her flawless execution will make sure you know you’ll never reach that standard.

Aymeric: Bard. He is there to support you and to literally sing your praises. Everything he does is to make you shine like the star you are meant to be. If he tanks he is the kind of PLD that stops his dps rotation to send a clemency your way. It’s not that he doesn’t trust the healer but you can never be too careful, you know? Watches your health bar more than his own.

Kan-E-Senna: Salty healer main that decided to play DPS and not care anymore. Picked up dancer at lvl 60 and never looked back. Her dps is good but she has no patience for really learning complex rotations. She just wants to hit things while looking amazing. Somehow ends up being in a world’s first party anyway. 

Estinien: That one melee DPS that never, ever moves out of an AoE. Argues he can take it and a little bit of damage has never hurt anyone. Manages to live through situations he shouldn’t. Dies anyway to that one generic mechanic he should have seen coming.

Ysayle: Takes over leadership if noone stops her. She gravely misunderstood a boss mechanic once and has sworn: never again. Has watched all the guides and meticulously prepared for each fight. Knows each attack and what it does, you’ll never catch her unprepared, not even in roulettes. 

Zenos: His DPS is his utility. The embodiment of the samurai. He is not here for all your group-relevant shit, he is here to parse in 1st place and he will gladly let the rest of the raid die so he can keep up his uptime. LB3 is his by right and you WILL adapt or you will be kicked from the group. (Becomes a praise hungry puppy dog if he ever meets someone who can out dps him.) 

Yugiri: Now you see her, now you don’t. She is everywhere and nowhere in a battle, never standing still. But you don’t need to worry about her, she knows the fight by heart and you barely ever have to heal her anyways. Delights in stealing Zenos’ limit break whenever she manages.

Hien: Looks at first glance like every other melee dps main, but is actually trying his best to get rid of their bad reputation. He will explain the fight for you a dozen times if you need him to. Does top DPS but doesn’t run a parser because “we’re all in this together”. Low key carries every raid he is in but never claims the fame.

Lyse: That one person that keeps tagging along even though she said she wanted to go to bed three hours ago. Has a tendency to over explain fights to people who already know them. Tends to give people advice on how to better play their main job despite not having leveled it herself. Is a staunch believer in glam over practicality.

Crystal Exarch: That person that has every class on 80 and can actually play all of them quite well - but they play with a controller and sometimes their targeting is off. Prefers to tank or heal but will absolutely go dps if needed. Likes being a caster and loves to fiddle with 2+ minutes long rotations. Probably would be a summoner main if they could ever decide on maining anything.

Ardbert: Goes offline randomly, even during savage/extreme. It’s probably his internet but noone knows and he never explains. Doesn’t get kicked bc he is the one person that has done all the content before and his input is needed. Stacks with you even when it’s not necessary.

Emet-Selch: Afk’s for half of the fights. Doesn’t have a good excuse except that he’s bored. Probably watching netflix on a second monitor or literally napping. The guy that complains both in chat and in voice that the class rework took away his fav ability. Still wants the glory days of progging Alexander when it was brand new back.