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deepdeanvsweston · 10 months

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Just a quick fun little Torchwood AU that I put no thought into!!! /s (these ideas have not left me alone and I have thought about this extensively and in detail)

If you're unfamiliar with Torchwood, it's a spinoff show from Doctor Who about an organisation on Earth who monitor and sometimes combat extra terrestrial activity. Think MI5 but with aliens.

- it's in the modern era

- Lucy and Felix are Torchwood too

- the rift is under London now

- so everything happens canonically, like Daisy and Hazel still experience and solve all the murders, Daisy still dies at the end of DSS

- and she like ACTUALLY dies. She drowns

- Felix is understandably Devastated, and goes to make some Unwise Decisions

- these involve ripping someone from the past through the rift and then putting their unlived energy from their time period into Daisy to revive her

- the person he takes from the past is from the 1930s. Guess who it is. It's Aleks!!!

- Felix pulls him through because he was reported missing, but noone was looking for him (sorry Aleks) and so Felix figures it's ok to pull him through

- (it gets a bit paradoxical because the only reason Aleks is reported missing in the first place is because Felix pulls him through the rift)

- Daisy and Aleks are now like. Lowkey connected because of this

- for example if Aleks died Daisy would too and sometimes they hear a very brief glimpse of the other's thoughts

- anyway Hazel and George saw Daisy die, like her body and everything, including in the morgue

- when Daisy comes back Hazel doesn't take it well, understandably, thinks she's fake and not the 'real Daisy'

- so they retcon her (which means they give her an amnesia pill) and leave her to grieve

- George is slightly more on board with everything and so gets to remember Daisy, but this makes him and Hazel drift apart because she can't understand why he doesn't seem as sad as her

- fast forward to when they're all adults (like 20ish)

- Daisy, George and Aleks are working at Torchwood, they were recruited

- Hazel's just out living her life, but she's a bit lonely, so Kitty drags her to a bar one night

- at the same time, Aleks is deemed to have learned enough about the 21st century to go out on his own, George encourages him to go to a bar and socialise

- Hazel and Aleks meet and really like each other, they fall in love blah blah blah

- George and Daisy (especially Daisy) are losing their mind over the fact Aleks has managed to fall in love with their old best friend

- Hazel and Aleks get all domestic, move in together, but she gets suspicious at the fact he's always out at odd hours

- she tails him one day and is completely shocked to see him and George at an alien ship crash site or something like that

- she tails them and ends up at the ✨Torchwood base✨

- she sees Daisy and is like 'hey! What the fuck!' but deals with it better this time

- Hazel feels so guilty that she didn't believe Daisy all those years ago

- anyway everything is explained, Hazel gets recruited, joins the team (she's still completely pissed at absolutely everyone for lying to her but moving on)

- ok so that's the backstory

- they solve and sometimes create alien shenanigans

- they find out that Hazel has this weird energy around her that draws in murder to her

- the murders would have still happened regardless but some universe energy is always creating opportunities for her to be there

- Daisy is a little jealous of this

- Hazel and Daisy actually solving the murders is just something they happen to do because they're good at it

- none of them are monogamous

- Daisy is a trans woman, and an aromantic lesbian, she/her

- George just uses the label queer for gender and sexuality, pronouns change on the regular, depending on his mood

- Aleks is still figuring shit out because he's from the 1930s but definitely thinks boys and girls are attractive. He/him but George explained pronouns to him and he got excited when he realised people could use she/her for him but he's left that for another day

- Hazel is a nonbinary girl, uses she/they and is bisexual

- they're all like slightly in love with each other in the sense that noone else has seen what they've seen, and they've been through shit together. They'll always always have each others' backs

#ME catering for ME #mmu #torchwood #murder most unladylike #robin stevens #daisy wells #hazel wong #alexander arcady #george mukherjee

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maedaeme · 1 year

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OUGH ALRIGHT magni backstory ramble time under the cut. was putting this off just in case i wanted to make changes but now i'm committed.

and later im not going to be able to stop myself from rambling abt his companion connections at length so i'm dropping this here as the starting point to keep me CONSISTENT.

refers to mild act 2 spoilers because I need to be a little bit unhinged about things. currently in act 3, but i'm saving that for later because there is so much happening. anyway

bullet point backstory bc it's 11 pm. what up.

used to be a priest(ess) of lolth. raised among devout lolth-sworn, which of course gives him baggage he doesn't even realize exists until like halfway through the game.

'i had a normal childhood' - guy who very much did not have a normal childhood. am i projecting my religious trauma here. who can say

very committed. basically used serving lolth as an elaborate excuse to get away with whatever selfish whims popped into his head

worked alongside two other, equally terrible priestesses under the mutual understanding that they were only 'allies' until they could stab each other in the back

last one standing is loth's fav. you know how it is

did in fact get stabbed in the back when one of them uncovered a secret of his and used it to oust him

fully accepted he was going to get sacrificed to lolth. was pretty chill with it, actually. as far as he was concerned it only made sense.

the priestess who ousted him decided it would be meaner to banish him to the surface instead

she was correct.

became SO INCENSED at being told he was not a worthy sacrifice that it became ALL he cared about

like. he refused to wrap his brain around it, so he just went 'fine, i will claw my way up from the dirt and eat bugs or whatever and i WILL become so fucking impressive that when i come back DOWN here you will HAVE to sacrifice me. that's how good i'll be.

'also maybe i'll trans my gender while i'm at it bc at this point I Have Nothing To Lose'

lost ability to use magic in the middle of this and just refused to think about the 'god abandoned me' implications

knew nothing about the surface. broke into places, stole, and murdered to survive. discovered life was easier if you got good at lying, just in case you got caught stealing. and he was already Very good at lying.

once he got it all figured out, he fell into organized crime VERY easily, while still secretly holding onto his General Disdain for everyone around him. this was not hard to do. people are shitty to you when you're a drow.

spent a couple decades fighting, stealing, and occasionally murdering if you paid him or annoyed him enough. mentally tucks away all of the crimes he does as 'for lolth' even though he's lowkey aware that's not how that works. there's a bunch of complicated stuff going on in his brain up there and he is avoiding all of it.

basically he starts the game an expert manipulator who FULLY expects to just eventually murder these people he keeps picking up because it Has to be that way, except thru act 1 he. doesn't. and then he starts to get used to them. enough that at camp he starts to drop his Eternal Performance, which everyone initially writes off as 'magni being weirdly dismissive and blunt for some reason' until late act 1 when they realize 'oh wait. that's what he's REALLY LIKE. he was LYING.'

his feelings towards the companions and himself and his goals get incredibly complicated. sometimes he sucks. sometimes he doesn't. gale makes him ask himself questions he does not want to know the answer to, but he can't just let it GO now that he's asking them. the people around him are trusting him with their deepest secrets and desires and it is FREAKING HIM OUT because he doesn't know how to do anything with secrets except destroy. so he drops the act further thru act 2. except they're still doing it. because they know what he's like by now. and they know that sometimes! he refrains from doing the mean selfish thing! because they wouldn't like it! and he hates that he feels that way and is occasionally halfheartedly mean and petty later like it's going to make the uncomfortable taste in his mouth go away but he is forming attachments to these people and there is NOTHING he can do about that

anyway. i'm going to shake my laptop later re: gale being asked to Explode by his god and how it forces magni to look literally his Only Driving Goal For Decades (getting eaten by spiders) in the face and ask himself if that's really what he wanted, but i'm in full hyperfixation mode. also he just rly loves astarion. he can't say that word though. feels wrong in his mouth

it's also put him in the weird act 3 spot of being the person who has already ASKED himself the hard questions that everyone else is now asking. he is, for the first time ever, somewhat the reasonable one. which means he's gotta accept he thinks differently about things than he used to. which he doesn't like. but he's embraced the softness, he just doesn't want you to mention it.

and sometimes he just goes and stands in a cold lake at 1 am so he doesn't have to think about anything. you know how it goes

#pointless post #mae plays bg3 #i'm so sorry this is so long. thank you for humoring me. bless u

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florenceisfalling · 6 months

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gripping [redacted irl person] by the shoulders.

it does not matter how many r/egg_irl astolfo memes you pull up quite literally asking for random people (including cishets you just met???) to figure out your gender for you. the other queers are not going to feel safe around you when you spend your entire time on campus harassing people, misgendering transmascs in romantically/sexually charged ways, and getting a trans woman (who you Also misgender!) kicked out of her fucking housing. using "i wanna be a girl but im still cis though 👉👈" doesn't come across as endearing anymore when you tell younger transmascs that you wanna make them your gf and have kids with them, or when you used to tell everyone you were a cishet dude and literally fucking ran to physically chase down lesbians you'd never spoken to walking alone at night, or when you. I REITERATE. got a fucking trans woman kicked out of her dorm while calling her a man!! force her to switch to different housing by calling the fucking campus police on her because youre sad!!! and then lie saying she called them on you!!!! the only reason i felt bad for you and was nice to you was bc i thought you were just a sad maybe-autistic maybe-ace person who needed friends (and then maybe-trans maybe-woman maybe-lesbian) but your college experience seems dedicated to making life as hard as possible for every autie, trans person, woman, ace person, lesbian, and various mixes of the above you encounter - and then fucking lying and threatening everyone you consider your "friends" to get what you want after they repeatedly ask you to stop. i had enough of this when my exfriend fucking molested a girl and then said "i think i might be a transbian" as a poor attempt at an excuse (as if tgirls get away with that shit? as if they arent horribly scrutinized??) until all his cis guy friends forgot abt the girl's trauma and then went back to "nvm im a cishet guy :)" once everyone was chill with him again. i am fucking beyond tired of it now that its someone pulling the "i think i might be a transbian too" after fucking up so bad you couldve made a tgirl homeless and openly misgendering and mistreating other tgirls and sexually harassing other queers and refusing to spend any time around trans people (except for those you perceive as cis women - of course, including trans people who don't pass to your liking). stop asking me to decide whether your egg needs cracked or not and start treating trans women (and everyone else, too, what the fuck is wrong with you??) with respect and maybe you'll get some satisfying advice (since you didnt take mine) but at this point everyone is either scared of you or fucking hates you and theres not a single trans person ive met on this campus who has anything to say about you other than "oh yeah, that person stalked me/my friends". like sorry if im a little hesitant to validate you (AS IF YOU DESERVE IT AFTER CALLING SECURITY ON A TGIRL TO KICK HER OUTTT MY GOD I HATE YOU) but you also said "oh dont worry im ace :)" after sending weird sexual shit to someone (after they asked you to fucking QUIT) so youre not new to using your identity as a shield and now turning around and talking abt how you MAYBE are HYPOTHETICALLY a tgirl teehee but you cant decideeeee doesnt change the fact that your actions suck ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPLODE

#serious transphobia/sa/harassment mention sorry

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misspickman · 7 months

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moss might i please have some trans tim headcanons. or trans kon if you’re feeling it.

Hii blink thank you blink i always have those<3

Kon is nonbinary and transfem to me and i do have a more specific way this happens in mind which is he starts questioning his gender after already figuring out hes not straight, and this is a few years down the line post sb 2011, so hes getting comfortable living on the farm and having a group of friends there, being a part of the kent family (hes never had a family before!!) and its because of that new personal comfort and safety that he can think more about himself as a person and not just. An icon with a role.

I read his tt03 era as his big Repression Period (along with cassie) where he figures he has to be a Normal Real Boy so he ditches the 90s superboy charm for a more traditionally masculine look, which maybe works for his secret identity but isnt what he actually enjoys. So later he starts growing out his hair and tiptoes around more flashy costumes which are daunting now, because kon has a lot of hate for his younger self for being foolish and a try hard, and this all reminds him of himself back then.

Its a slow process but he will get there eventually and i think living with ma helps a lot. Being away from the public eye and with someone who wouldn't judge him for not wanting to look as masculine would do kon wonders. Also he hangs out a lot with the yj girls, and i imagine cissie would eventually she starts putting makeup on him for funsies (and bc cassie doesnt let her) which kon has many feelings about. No worries! Anita braids his hair like she did cissies so many times and kon goes haha does this mean im one of the girls now as a joke and then has many feelings about that too bc what if he Wants to be one of the girls? Uh oh

I have less of a specific timeline for tim so some scattered ones are:

It would take her a long time to make peace with being trans and to come out, bc imo tim would not be a fan of the Coming Out Process. Would hate to do it. Would only do it once its the last feasible option bc shes sick of lying (again) and being seen so wrongly by everyone. I think she just writes cassie a note or something like it would be funny.

Jack having been so obsessed with tim being his perfect masculine son would make all of this especially hard but also make certain stuff make more sense in retrospect. Its impossible to think about tim being queer in any way without thinking back on jacks behavior.

Theres a v sweet image in my head of helena braiding tims hair bc once she lets it grow out tim does not know what to do with it and helena has to do something about that (set in a future where helena knows tims identity. The cowl doesn't really show hair. But boy it must be sweaty gross in there).

While i think kon would be big into makeup and all sorts of fun clothes and shoes i dont imagine tim being That much into it, is not as much of a makeup girlie, loves a nice dress but mostly for occasions and such.

One of the reasons why itd take her so long to figure herself out is she mostly didnt get body dysphoria until she thought of the possibility of Not Being A Man and then started noticing little things that bothered her, bc tim would be very aware of which traditional standards for being a woman she is not fulfilling. Very aware of and held back by the Issue Of Bodies And How They Are Perceived, as you do.

The initial realization would probably be something sudden that she refuses to think about for a while bc tim v much lives by that post thats like i may be trans but i have a job so idc about that rn. Its in the back of her mind and she is Not examining it when there are bad guys to punch out there.

#I have to note that i dont believe in skinny kon and this goes twice as hard for transfem kon #Just bc hes not a man doesnt mean he loses all his muscle mass and body fat come on #Anyway yay thank u tb. I love thinking about trans hcs always and forever #Ask

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corgijones18 · 8 months

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I've been enjoying Baldur's Gate 3 SO much and none of my friends have played it, so I've decided to share things onto Tumblr! I'm annoying and want to share/talk about my lovely characters, so I'm gonna share some information about my first character. I honestly want to replay the game and romance every character because I want to experience all the character moments with a character I visualize. If you like this share some info about your characters! I love learning about everyone's Tav/Durge!

My first character:

Gwendolyn Springsong

Gwendolyn is a Half-Elf and she grew up in a small town outside of Baldur's Gate with her Mom, who is a Wood Elf. Gwen is a Bard, College of Lore, and is the leader of the group (in my game/world/lore). Unlike everyone else, cause most my Tav's are gonna have sob stories, Gwen lived a pretty normal life prior to her abduction. Most of her youth involved her questioning her gender, but when she was 12 she knew she was a woman and her Mom supported her in getting the medical care she needs (Gwen didn't originally start as trans, but as a trans woman the more I thought about it the more it made sense). She moved to Baldur's Gate to start Bard College, as she had a natural talent and would play at her local Inn for coin. Gwen then decided to officially stay in Baldur's Gate after graduating, but she visits her mother frequently. The day she was abducted, she was performing for a family outside of Baldur's Gate. Wrong place, wrong time. As she begin to work with new faces and figure out how to rid of the tadpole, Gwen ended up falling into the "leader" role due to her charisma & protectiveness over everyone, and due to how nosey she is. Gwen never felt destined for anything, but somehow destiny found her.

Fun Facts:

Gwen is 36

Gwen is Bisexual, she doesn't necessarily follow the "Bard's are sluts" trope, but she is a disaster bisexual and has too many crushes

If Baldur's Gate had Alignments, Gwen would be Chaotic Good

Gwen is 5'2" (short Queen), she gets her height from her Dwarf father

Gwen's instrument of choice is the Lyre

She is naturally a brunette, but dyed her hair pink since she wanted it to stand out (it's also her favorite color)

Gwen knows some Druid circle practices, since her Mom is a Druid

Her focus is "College of Lore" because she wants to know as many things as she can

Tends to be blindly optimistic & wants to see the good in everyone

Gwen's VERY good at lying and putting a facade on when she's not ok as she normally puts on a positive front for everyone else

Gwen doesn't follow any of the Gods, but she will pray to Selune or Chauntea occasionally

Most charismatic member in the group

Is the group healer, along with Shadowheart

Group dynamics/relationships:

Gwen is best friends with everyone at camp, but questions Minthara's choices A LOT

She loves stealing with Astarion

Everyone tends to express their feelings to Gwen, she's like the group leader & therapist, but Gwen normally only confides in Shadowheart

Originally Astarion & Gwen didn't get along, but the two bonded over their similar taste in wine & impressive skills in breaking into places they probably shouldn't be in

Gwen was the one who prevented Shadowheart from killing Lae'zel

Gwen's blind hope in each group member has led her into dangerous situations which annoys Shadowheart, but is something she also loves about Gwen

As soon as Karlach was able to touch people, Gwen basically gave her a hug every hour

One early night when the group was very drunk, Gwen let it slip that she's had a crush on everyone in the group except for Astarion & Gale

She knows ALL the group dirt & drama

Gwen has met met Wyll's Dad prior to the start of the game, as she has performed at a ball he was at and she is best friends with Charity, one of my other OC's, who comes from a noble fanily

Karlach and Wyll would try to get Gwen to work out with them, but she is not athletic at all and would frequently sneak away

If anyone says anything out of pocket, Gwen makes eye contact with Shadowheart (love a side eye queen)

Gwen would try to read books Gale recommends, but most of them would bore her (so she asks Charity to tell her about the book)

Gwen would, though, find something each member was interested in and try to be good at it/learn more about it

If anyone questioned Gwen's leadership choices, Shadowheart & Lae'zel would instantly back her up. Lae'zel would also make several comments how nice it is to have a woman in charge.

Gwen's Mom knew Jaheira & talked about how heroic she was, so Gwen totally fangirled when she met her, and Minsc

Romance dynamics with Shadowheart & Halsin:

As soon as Gwen met Shadowheart, she had a crush on her. Shadowheart learned of this crush pretty early on and would constantly tease Gwen, until the Teilfing party where they finally kissed

Gwen is in a polyamorous relationship with Shadowheart & Halsin, the three of them are very happy together (they agreed they can sleep with others if they inform the others, but Halsin is really the only one who MAY sleep with another)

Halsin was the one who yearned for Gwen, and when they finally talked about their feelings, Gwen told Shadowheart everything and gave her a speech, to which Shadowheart responded with "so, we both want to climb mount Halsin, huh?" (my bisexual, in my headcanon, queens)

Shadowheart will tease Gwen by calling her "shorty", even though Shadowheart is barely taller than her (in my headcanon)

After they dealt with the parasites, Gwen & Shadowheart find a cozy home in Gwen's hometown and invited Shadowheart's parents to stay with them, Halsin would visit frequently and at some point he just ends up staying

Gwen would wait for Shadowheart to go back to sleep when Shar would hurt her, and if Halsin was there he'd stay up to comfort her (and at some point the pain stops)

Gwen & Shadowheart frequently have everyone over to reconnect

Gwen always worried about Shadowheart's relationship with Shar and would drop subtle hints of worry with Shadowheart, believing at the end of the day Shadowheart would do what was best for her, but whenever Shadowheart directly asked for Gwen's opinion she would SHARE IT

Shadowheart & Halsin would go to Gwen's performance and just talk about how talented and beautiful she was

ALWAYS little spoon, no matter who she is cuddling with

This is everything I could think of at the moment. If you enjoyed this, aw thanks! I just love sharing information about my characters I create in any game! My next OC I'm going to do is Charity!

#baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate shadowheart #baldur's gate halsin #oc #bg3 #bg3 tav

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the-writer-nerd-ro · 3 months

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This is the second installment in my series "The H in Sara Stands for Have A Nice Day" which is loosely based on the Bon Jovi album Have A Nice Day, the first one moreso than this one.

This one still has lore, though! Enjoy!

Also, coincidentally, it's National Sara(h) day, so enjoy that as well

Last Cigarette

Sara was lying on the couch, her head resting in Hunter's lap, looking through the mail. If it was a bill she set it on the coffee table, if it was a Victoria’s Secret ad she handed it to Hunter so they could admire the pretty models together, and if it was personal she opened and read it from her awkward almost upside-down vantage point.

One such personal letter was particularly ill-fitted to be read upside-down, because as soon as she opened it a pack of Taco Bell hot sauce hit her in the face.

She picked up the packet and read it, laughing so hard that Hunter looked away from the Victoria’s Secret ad.

“What is it?”

Sara lifted the Fire Sauce packet so Hunter could read it.

Hunter read aloud, “Too bad you're not single. Huh. Do you have a secret admirer I should know about?”

She certainly wasn't worried about someone stealing Sara away, they'd made a comfortable little life together and she knew Sara was as all-in as she was.

“No, no, it's an inside joke. Let's see, how do I explain it…”

“You don't have to explain your inside jokes if you don't want to, I trust you.”

Sara nodded as she sat up. Hunter had been running a hand through her hair and had to untangle her fingers so she didn't pull out any hair.

“I know I don't have to tell you, but I want to. This,” Sara took back the sauce packet, “is from my ex-girlfriend. We dated in college and she used to hide Taco Bell sauce packets in my stuff because she knew I hated Taco Bell.”

“I didn't know you hated Taco Bell,” Hunter said as if that was the most important thing Sara had just said.

Sara's eyes glittered with a righteous passion, “It's not real Mexican food. It's slop masquerading as Mexican food.”

“Noted.” It made sense now why Sara never picked Taco Bell or any similarly inauthentic taco places when they were deciding what to get for dinner.

“Anyway, Nora used to find the silliest, flirtiest hot sauces and leave them around for me to find. She kept it up when we broke up because we still lived together and by then it was just a fun game we played.”

“Wait, you kept living with your ex when you broke up?” That was even more surprising than Sara not liking Taco Bell.

“Yeah, I mean, it was a no-fault break-up.”

“What happened?”

“Well, she's straight and I'm a trans woman.”

“Ohh. That checks out.”

Sara smiled softly, “I owe her a lot, though. She was the first person to support me in my transition, she helped me figure out my personal style, she even helped me pick out my name. I wouldn't have made it very far without her.”

“She sounds pretty awesome.”

“She is.” Sara unfolded the letter and scanned it. “She's married now, that was a couple years back, and her and her husband have a little boy now. She wants us to come visit them when we get the chance.”

Sara showed Hunter the family picture that had been included. “It's nice… It's nice that she's still including me in her life, even after we parted ways. Not everyone puts in that kind of effort.”

“Are you going to write back?”

“Yeah, I think I will.”

“Hold on.” Hunter hopped up, disappearing into their bedroom and reappearing a minute later holding something.

She sat back down and handed Sara the mystery item, a small stack of photos. Most of them were of Hunter and Sara, one of them was from Christmas and included Hunter’s Aunt, Uncle, and cousins as well as Sara and Hunter.

“Since she sent you a picture of her family I thought maybe you’d want to send her some of yours,” Hunter suggested, resting her head on Sara’s shoulder.

Sara beamed, a little choked up, “Perfect.”

#drawfes fanfiction #drawfee #sara pena #hunter richardson #sara x hunter #hunter x sara #the h in sara stands for have a nice day #national sarah day #have a nice day

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erigold13261 · 7 months

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this might sound weird, sorry, but uh how exactly do u write a character’s struggle with their gender (ex.: trans umbrella) and/or sexuality (gay, bi, etc.)?

Made this a lot longer than I meant to, so putting it under a cut. I hope it helps since this is how I do it.

Actually, I realized I kinda didn't answer how I specifically write characters struggles, just how to do it. So basically, for me, I pretend to be that character and just allow myself to have an identity crisis.

Don't know if that actually helps, but I have such a weird fucking relation to my gender and sexuality that it helps me figuring out how a character might react to figuring out their gender or sexuality.

Anyway, under the cut is a lot more information that might help you figure out how to write a character struggling with their gender or sexual orientation! Hope it helps!

Make them confused and experiment? Or make them in like denial or something like that? That's what I would do.

You can also give them imposter syndrome if you want. That can be something people struggle with. Honestly just picking one thing can be a good start since some people only struggle with one part of their gender while others struggle with it on an entirety.

Even just making them ignorant can be a good starting point on why someone is struggling with their gender or sexuality.

For an example I can use 1010 for you, though their struggle with gender comes mainly from being robots and not humans, since I am a human writing them the feelings can be seen as something a human could have.

Haym is a version of imposter syndrome. For him, it's because he was given a male body even though his first body and code was for a girl. So technically he is trans, but he never went through any of the struggle of being trans and feels like calling himself transgender is lying to himself and others.

This can be seen as something an accepted and/or passing trans person could feel. Like a trans woman who who was fully accepted by family and is able to pass as a cis woman might have these thoughts that she never truly struggled and so isn't "trans enough" to actually be in the community.

Which isn't true at all, but because she feels like an imposter (like how Haym feels) then it creates this sort of grey area about how the trans person feels about themself. They are happy to be being their true self, but also feel guilty and afraid that they aren't really trans or haven't suffered as much so they tend not to celebrate their transness or won't participate in queer spaces because they feel they don't belong.

Another situation could be whatever the fuck Purl-hew has going on. They put their safety and comfort of everyone else about their own opinions and feelings.

Purl was a girl who was forced to be a boy, never felt like either because of his robot nature, and so just constantly struggled with the idea of being queer at all, but also never wanted to explore that because they felt they would be alone and isolated.

Even after the rest of 1010 came out as queer before Purl did (even though they were the one to first have any queer thoughts at all), now Purl wouldn't want to come out because it would look like following a trend but they also had the whole "there has to be someone NORMAL in 1010 or else we will die" mentality.

Purl felt safer in normalcy and routine. So breaking out of that routine and safety to be their "true self" was not something they were willing to do until they were forced out of their comfort zone/the closet. And the only reason they were forced was because being in the closet for so long seeing how other people were having fun and being happy by being their "true selves" was so mentally painful for Purl that they just ended up having a breakdown and saying their thoughts about their gender to someone (pretty sure I have it so that it is Zuke that Purl confesses to first).

But before Purl ever even thought about being any flavor of queer legitimately, they were experimenting (with drugs, alcohol, and sex) with the excuse that it doesn't matter because they are a robot. So technically they aren't queer at all.

This is kinda the mentality I see straight men have when they have gay sex. They will say that this doesn't matter because they have a wife and kids, or that because it's a one night stand or a paid prostitute that it doesn't actually count as gay sex. Or even because they are the one penetrating that it doesn't count.

You can have your character try to justify why their queer actions aren't actually queer to have them be in denial of their identity even when they are absolutely experimenting with their identity. And even when they realize that something is wrong, you can have them go into full blown denial and have them jump away from their coping actions or even dive deeper into them if you want.

Even after Purl came to terms with being queer, they still had plenty more to explore about themself. It doesn't always just end when you say you are trans or a lesbian or something like that. You continue to grow and explore yourself to see what is more right (or to see if you have changed over time).

Purl was able to figure out that they were asexual but just with a high libido because of their experimentation. They are probably also more closely tied to agender-ism but prefer the nonbinary label even after all of this time.

Which is another thing you can do. Experiment with labels and show a character's preference.

Haym uses the term bisexual even though he could very well be omni or pan or whatever else like that. Rin uses genderqueer even though it could be agender or libramasculine. Purl doesn't care to be called trans but doesn't mind being called nonbinary even thought nobinary is under the trans umbrella.

You can also a character just be wrong about themselves to show them changing. I'm sure Zimelu for the longest time identified as bisexual before and after she came out as trans because working on BOTH sexuality and gender identity can be difficult for some people.

Like even though Zimelu always liked girls and only girls, I can see her saying she is bisexual because there was one boy that looked kinda attractive to her and so she immediately thought that meant she was bisexual. And once she realized she was trans, now she kinda believed she would have to be bisexual because of a "women are supposed to like men" mentality.

You can have characters just be wrong about themselves and struggle to realize WHY something feels wrong to them. Zimelu, who struggles a bit with being feminine because she was basically built to be "masculine" in a way that shows "negative" emotions such as anger, bluntness, other stereotypical "male" emotions, thought that she would have to be bisexual because she was trying to fit into a more "standard" role by pretending to be heterosexual.

When Zimelu was a man, she could just say she liked woman without a second thought because that was "normal," but as a trans woman, she feels like she has to force herself to like men because that is what a "normal" woman would do.

Thankfully she was able to figure out that she only liked women by just having thoughts about being with a man that felt wrong. So Zimelu never really experimented with being with men. Though that did pose the struggle for Zimelu on whether to call herself straight or a lesbian because she didn't know if transing her gender would affect that label at all. So she tends to use WLW or sapphic probably.

Even with just gender stuff, Zimelu for a bit after coming out did the whole 180 thing where she tried to be hyperfeminine to make up for her "natural masculine" tendencies. This could be a good way to show an identity crisis of someone being fake and not being their true self.

Let's say you had a super badass guy who could kicked anyone's ass and drink anyone under the table. He could build anything from scratch and was your stereotypical man. But then she realizes that she is trans and goes in the complete opposite direction because she feels like she NEEDS to be this way to be seen as a woman. She hates it because it's not who she truly is, she still wants to build stuff or fight people, but those things aren't "lady like" so now you have a character who is having an internal struggle to follow society's standards for gender norms or be true to herself and act similar to how she was before.

Same thing for transmen who start acting like a stereotypical man, trying to overcompensate for their years of being a woman. This is basically an exploration of gender, which is good, but if the trans person ends up keeping the mask on and not being their true self, you can show a real identity crisis as well as a gender crisis as they learn to unpack all the learned cisheteronormative culture they were taught from childhood.

Another thing you can do is to just show ignorance of queer culture in a character. Like Neon J for the longest time didn't have the words or connections to queerness that a lot of modern day people have thanks to the internet. He grew up in a time without internet (or very rare internet for personal use) so he was completely blind to the queer culture that might have been around him but hidden.

He was walking purely on instinct of who he was. Though he wasn't one to really hide who he truly was, but he also thought that everyone wanted to be the opposite gender or likes both sexes. He was ignorant to cishetero-ness as well as queerness. He had no idea why he wanted to be like his big brother or the other guys, or why he would stare longer at girls than the other girls in his class.

Neon J had to do some trial an error, and definitely made some mistakes, but also stayed true to himself and was willing to fight people for what he thought was his true self. He always thought he was a girl, even when he knew something was off. The only reason he even started to think he was a guy truly was when he got into a car accident and his hair and breasts were cut off.

Every time before that he was just kinda playing it off of like "yo lol, what if I was actually a guy? haha!" It was all just jokes and laughs, but I'm sure his friends kinda knew it wasn't and so just always went along with the "jokes" that Neon would say.

Tatiana on the other hand, she knew something was up as a kid and by the time she was a teen was pretty sure she was a woman. Probably because her father was the time to say things like "don't be such a girl" and so Tatiana was able to figure out she wasn't cis even without constant access to the internet or any real queer spaces at a young age.

She had less of an internal struggle with her gender identity as much as she had an external struggle with the world around her constantly telling her she was wrong, confused, just going through a phase. Things like that where she was being constantly questioned and doubted for her identity.

Honestly I sometimes have Neon in this mindset too, though he was more like this with friends, while Tatiana was unapologetically herself with the whole world. The two are stubborn people who are willing to be themselves, but to different degrees.

Neon needed the accident that basically gave him free top surgery to start being himself truly against the world, but he also needed to break free from his past entirely and so moved away and never looked back. He couldn't be around people that knew him before he transitioned because he wouldn't be able to be his true self as easily as he could be with strangers who never knew him as a woman.

Tatiana on the other hand was fighting pretty much the entire time to be her true self and so was okay staying in contact with people who knew her before she transitioned. She also never looked back with her family (which was just her dad as she barely saw her step mother or half brother as family) but did stay in contact with other people who did know her when she was a man.

Both of these characters show external struggle, with Neon also showing a bit of internal struggle while Tatiana was more of a "this is who I am, I am going to change and make it everyone else's problem" kind of struggle.

You can really show all kinds of struggles with characters figuring out their identity. Even having them be sure about one part of themself and questioning another.

This is something I have a lot of asexual and/or aromantic characters go through because trying to see the LACK of something can be harder than actually seeing something in yourself. It's why a lot of asexual people start off saying they are bisexual or pan or something, because they think since they have the same reaction to everyone, that they must be attracted to everyone (not knowing that it was no reaction that they were feeling).

Like Tatiana and Eloni both are asexual (with Tatiana being aromantic), but are totally okay with their gender identity. Tatiana was sure she was a woman, but struggled a bit with relationships. At first she thought she just wanted to grow her band up, but even having one-night-stands and stuff because of her high libido didn't really give her the fulfilment she thought she needed (and just having sex/high libidos are definitely something a lot of asexuals have a hard time grasping. Even non ace people sometimes think if you are asexual that means you can never have sex at all or else you are lying about your identity).

Eloni on the other hand was trying to force himself into a relationship as soon as possible basically because he thought he needed that to complete himself (which was something 1010 pushed for so long that honestly all of 1010 thought this way, that you literally NEED someone to complete you, which Eve also told them was true as well since she believed it too).

Actually, speaking of Eve as well, she kinda falls into the ignorance category but not in the sense that she doesn't know about the queer community, but in the sense she doesn't know about herself. Even though she explored herself thoroughly, and always tried to dive into her mind, she still didn't KNOW about who she was and what she wanted. She couldn't figure out what was wrong with her because she was looking for herself in other people instead of within herself.

You can always have a character just refuse to look into themself, or to refuse a part of themself. Either because it is too much work and they don't have time, because they are scared about what they might find, or even that they are indifferent and just don't want to unpack all of that right now.

I mean, fuck you can have a character KNOW something is up but refuse to look into themself because they just fucking hate themself and don't WANT to try and be happy. Show a character getting toxic with themself and going in the opposite direction of what they think they might be.

Like a man who might be gay or trans just ends up embodying the hyper masculine dude-bro persona and becomes super homophobic and/or transphobic because of his internalized hatred for himself. This would be a good character to work on deconstructing world beliefs and helping them heal from whatever fucking broke them enough to make them hate themselves.

You can even show how them healing and finally being able to accept themself as who they truly are could lead them to apologizing for their actions and possibly inspiring someone else to change as well (you can also just show them changing and apologizing but not getting like forgiven, which is not a gender/sexuality thing, more of just a story plot point, but just know if someone changes their gender or sexuality it doesn't negate every bad thing they did because they were denying that part of themself or because they are now queer that means they are free from criticism).

Even going in that direction, you can show struggles between the queer spaces, like how a lesbian might not like a transwoman because she has a dick or won't trust a bisexual woman because she slept with men/is in a relationship with men.

How binary trans people might shit on nonbinary people, or how asexuals and aromantics are seen as not queer enough (bisexuals and trans people too if they are in a "hetero passing" relationship/are passing). Bisexuals are told to pick a side, microlabels are told they are doing too much, nonbinary people are seen as a "third gender" or "woman lite" (which honestly opens up a lot of good story struggle idea explorations for masculine or amab nonbinary people and how they are treated in the community).

I am realizing that these ideas I was giving recently are more external struggles rather than internal struggles, but that could be a reason for someone to have an internal struggle.

Someone could be absolutely sure of themself UNTIL someone comes along and questions their identity. That spark of doubt or hatred put forth can end up sowing the seeds of questioning your identity, or at the very least realizing you have to fight for your right to be present and accepted.

There are lots of ways you can show someone struggling with their gender or sexuality. You can mix and match what they struggle with vs what they are confident in.

Have someone be okay identifying with a different gender, no problems there at all, but they are afraid to use neopronouns.

Have a passing trans person wonder if they are still trans because they don't struggle anymore (or even someone who is passing trans and refuses to identify as trans because now they just see themself as the gender they identify as, which itself can be a whole struggle they went through to get to that point).

Have people experiment and get mess. Give them regrets for what they did or have them realize what they experimented with wasn't for them but they were happy they tried it.

Have someone realize they are actually gay and not bisexual. Or even that they weren't actually trans and now have to deal with the idea of detransitioning, which itself is scary in how the media and queer community ends up portraying that.

Let characters make mistakes, have fears, have wants and desires. Try to put yourself in their shoes if that helps at all! For me, that is why I end up making a lot of asexual characters, I am ace and want to explore that with characters.

Honestly, a LOT of the reason I even explore so much queer headcanons and stuff is because I want to explore my own sexuality and gender. I have no idea what I really am still. Other than asexual, I am still trying to figure out what I am.

I have a gender and sexuality crisis every couple of months, when I have this like realization that I am alive and a human being which scares me into thinking too much about myself.

I don't know if I am aromantic or just afraid of commitment. Or if I am genderfluid, librafluid, agender, genderqueer. I don't know so I just picked a label and just put my gender on the back burner until it starts to boil over then I remove it to give it some attention before putting back there to simmer and repeat all over again.

I hope this helped, I don't think it actually would have all that much since I don't feel like I went into any real helpful specifics, but if it did help then I'm glad!

Really just have fun and experiment! If pretending to be the character helps, then do that! If reading other people's gender/sexuality experience helps, then do that! Have fun and explore!

#eritalks #noart #asks

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gaz-light · 1 year

Text

Beyond the Sea

Mile 0

Hello and welcome to Beyond the Sea, a new production by Morrigan Pandora. This is a follow up project to my last personal series of journal entries I kinda half thought about lore bits for. I wanted to write this as an on going roleplay project based on the events in my life. I liked the idea of time passing in terms of distance, the perspective will be from that of the leading lady Violet Edelmont and her partner Dahlia Cosmina. Violet is a groomed to mediocrity middleclass sarariman whose identity as a trans woman is slowly displacing her from even those meager scraps of success. Her search for meaning and identity has brought under fire from the law and into the gaze of Dahlia Cosmina, the bassist for local punk band "Siren Sluts". This is a story about leaving home, or at least I want it to be. We'll start with how it all started moving and you'll get updates as they come.

Recorded on: 6/12/2148 using Halcyon Neurocord

The perspective is of a short woman's limply lying in bed. Her eyes dart around a cold stone tile room decorated with all emerald green furnishings.

This thing working? I think it is? Fuck it let's just start. It's one of those mornings, you know the ones when you fucking reek. Bad. Your shoulder hurts, your legs are both sore in different places, you've been wearing that same shirt for 3 consecutive days.

A pile of clean clothes lay forlorn in the corner of the room, she never focuses on them directly for the duration of her morning routine.

You're not gonna take it off either. It's one of those mornings that has become those days where you wear it into work. Again. But that's ok, I'm cute I can get away with it. I'm also usually covered by a labcoat so it isn't too bad.

the feeling of her eyes glazing over is prominent while she mindlessly scans a fluorescent screen.

This is my life, it's covered in numbers, spreadsheets, and data. Things I was told had value and meant something but doubted a single fucking person here could prove it. But everyone else seemed to think so. Not that they seemed to think much of anything. The people at this place feel off, or maybe it's the whole place. Things in general feel stagnant here. Neither work nor happiness flows in its sterile halls and grey offices. Things have been getting mildly worse but no one seemed to care. They ate it up when we learned we were losing 30% of our PTO to a PLANNED shutdown at the all hands today. I don't know why they stay. Maybe they think that glorified preacher that runs the meetings and signs their paychecks is actually as generous as he claims. Maybe it's because they smell like soap. I smell like sweat, violence, passion. It's the Saturn Sluts crop I wore this time. High cut pants, nothing too slutty, but I didn't want to take it off. I haven't been able to focus all week, everytime I try I think of her. Her voice screams with a fury I wish I could call on. She plays like she cares more about her music than I've cared about anything in my whole life. If I could do more than awkwardly tackle her in her own pit I might figure out what that is. Maybe if I sat down and talked to a therapist I could figure out my own shit too. But it's not like they've got openings during my 9-5 so. Guess I'll just wait for the weekend. Again. Next weeke-

"Hey Violet, Sruthi had been wondering when you'd get form 9561 Fille-"

the voice jolts her to attention and almost out of her seat, the feed cuts out a fraction of a second later cutting off the tail end of a nothing work conversation. The feed cuts back in on a drive home, looking out through the bug smattered visor of a motorcycle helmet. She does not speak, but the feed blares with loud and rowdy punk music, high tempo and full of righteous idignation, it contrasts the thudding first gear 1 rhythm of the motorcycle as she waits, bored in rush hour traffic.

Home. Dinner eaten, laundry still in the corner, folded. Non work email checked and job board perused. Eyes turn to starlight, the moon hangs in the night sky and a faint unrest holds her.

I don't even know exactly why I'm recording this. I just had to tell someone my everything but, well, didn't really have anyone else. I don't wanna forget these feelings either. Something about them tells me I should hold onto them. At least I'll get to document my stupid crushes and finally get a sense for how bad my taste in women is.

I, need to get to know you. I don't know exactly how to take care of you good. Maybe if I study you and record you and examine you I can figure that out. Beats doing this every day.

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6okuto · 2 years

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i love your hcs so muchh 💕💕

i cant help it, i need some like those of mc getting along with escell but with stella!! what does felix thinks of this? 👀👀

like stella just lets mc do whatever to her, and every time they enter a room stella is following and meowing behind, or they chirp and get happy when mc gets back from idk a little trip, and mc is always calling her sweet lady or princess and meowing back

baby talking stella and felix getting jealoud and baby talking to felix??? ugh 😤😤💕

MEOWING TO FELIX?????? 😩😩😩

this. my fellow cat owners UNITE...

felix figures out stella's affinity for mc Very quickly. it starts with her running to the door when she hears them coming. and then it's rubbing against their leg. then stella is sleeping in their room all the time and oh i can hear mc coming for the meeting [the sound of little paws are following from behind]

some of the best moments are when it's just So casual. mc walks into the kitchen cradling stella like a baby and they all turn around like Hello? stella is just :P ? You Know The Face.

sage and anisa find it funny to tease felix . sage slaps his back and dramatically gasps, "your partner and cat like each other more than you, huh?" [cue anisa snorting a little from behind]

"ooh stella look, felix is jealous of us." "i am not jealous." "ohh stella do you think he's lying? yeah? yeah you do, sweet girl. he's a big liar, isn't he?"

has someone ever tried talking to you guys while you're holding a cat and you only process half of what they said because you're busy with the cat and moving its little paws. felix has this look of defeat on his face while mc carries stella and bounces her from side to side. maybe finding his notebook isn't that important

"you need to meow back" "no i don't" "yeah you do. meow" "mc" "meow" "i'm not meowing back." "nya?" "gods—"

one time he tries to call mc's name and they don't respond. he turns around and they're slow blinking at stella. "mc?" "shh we're communicating"

it's so much easier for mc than anyone else to teach stella a trick. stella will spin and jump only for them she is so gorgeous and talented and perfect felix you have to agree

mc calls stella "princess" while felix sits and watches . mc turns around and smiles and calls him their prince and Oh!1?2?@!#%?? 'aww, does my prince want attention too?" "wh—" "feliiix, i love youu" "mc—" "you want kisses? you want my kisses too?"

felix is stuck between stuttering out a "no" and "please" and his face is red because yes he Does want kisses but Why Like This

mc asks if felix has ever tried putting a little outfit or hat on stella and he just ? why would he? like no no no why would you not? boom mc is carrying around stella so everyone can see her with a little costume (felix won't admit that he finds it cute)

he thinks it's all really endearing actually. come on. come on he's just a guy who loves his partner and cat (even if he doesn't act like it sometimes.) he saw stella curled up asleep against them on the bed and he didn't have the heart to wake either of them. just put a blanket over mc and went back to work quietly

he learns to just accept it eventually. he uses it to his advantage by taking stella to mc's room to distract her or telling mc that if they do something he'll let them buy stella a toy or outfit . that kind of stuff. like if he could Take Photos? he'd have an album of the two of them #LOOKINGONTHEBRIGHTSIDE

tags // @evanox @felixescellun @yelenalovegood @rimeliker @demon-paradise @pst-02 @diamo-chan @chubbywasouski @god-is-trans @sweet-milky-tea705 @felixismytrophywife @bananacockatiel @yoyo-campfire @felinvu @sleezzsister @lonelylittlecowboy @hestia-marie @lordbugs @azahelmz

le formulaire pour le ... taglist ?? damn what's taglist in french

#last legacy #fictif #fictif felix #last legacy felix #felix escellun #felix iskandar escellun

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laundryandtaxes · 3 years

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Any advice on dealing with people in my social circle who dont support genital preference? This girl (who ive had sex with and is my best friends roommate) told me she thinks a cis woman who refuses oral sex from a trans woman would be transphobic. i feel like thats extremely entitled and rapey and im definitely not going to have sex with her again but she's very in my social circle and I don't want to cut her off. Should i just avoid all discussions abt trans politics with her?

I would try to separate this from "trans politics" entirely. There are political issues regarding the question of how we can maintain the ability of trans people to live full lives that are as healthy as possible, and the general organization of society around men and women's differences and the need specifically to have some safeguarding for women because they are generally smaller and less strong than men and men commit enough sexual violence against women for that to be a consideration taken into that structuring. Those are political issues because they deal with how we are going to structure society.

So firstly, this is not trans politics. If anything it's gay politics. There are only two relevant questions here. One is whether homosexuality exists, or whether it doesn't. This is the most fundamental, but you might need to circle back to it and start with the second question, because many people who toe this party line have functionally convinced themselves to just ignore sex in any instance where everyone isn't happy to have it acknowledged. Either homosexual people are lying about our sexual orientations (and, despite some people crying on the internet about how homosexuals are being cruel by being homosexual in public, many of us didn't figure our orientations out easily and quickly at the age of 4 and never ever question or investigate it) or we are incorrect about them. This is the only logical way to address the existence of people who say they experience only attraction to the same physical sex, and the existence of people who think that's a hate crime- we must simply be mistaken if we aren't just bigots, and I have seen some especially egregious people say they think lesbians were just making up the notion that whether your partner has a penis or not is relevant to what sex acts you two engage in. Certainly I would try to sus out the nature of this woman's opposition to the right of homosexual women to sexual agency, because a lot of the whole mess of how we got into this is that a lot of people have been willing to just say things that even they don't actually believe but have never thought about. I would say that the relative clarity in my inbox is proof that, no matter how many times someone wants to piss themselves on the internet about it, the majority of people who identify as any variety of LGBT, at least at this point, have a very hard time rationalizing away the notion that some people are homosexual and that that is in fact allowable. And the majority of people who are not some variety of LGBT find this whole thing abhorrent and ridiculous. No amount of telling women to not even discuss this in private has actually kept them from doing that, and most people, I think, have come to the realization that it does in fact matter to most people what genitalia their sex partner has, and it's fine that it does.

The second question is what bodily autonomy for women means, and in what other instances she's okay with bodily autonomy being so severely limited. I might try to start here if she is generally progressive. Women are not unfamiliar with coercive rhetoric that is intended to change our own actions to suit the desires of others. She's absolutely encountered this reasoning before and hopefully she's been able to see through it. She might initially feel uncomfortable with this question and recoil instantly, resorting to, "Well lesbians don't have to do x BUT-" and it is at this point that you can remind her of all the "buts" she's already encountered wrt women's autonomy. I would offer up a few thought exercises intended to get her to consider what autonomy really is. For instance, some people believe that women should be able to get abortions so long as the circumstances leading to the pregnancy were sufficiently bad- this is conditional granting of autonomy. Rape abortion exemptions highlight that the question for these people is not whether women have the right to not be pregnant with a fetus they don't want to carry- apparently the answer to that question is yes, but only if she earned the right to have an abortion by first suffering enough. You'll see a lot of similar language around this issue. Sure, some women have been traumatized by penises- darn, fair enough! I guess those women are just prevented from being able to be good and normal people who are able to see past their own sexual orientation bigotry. This is not unprecedented for women. It might be helpful to highlight for her that any time you say women can do x BUT, it places immense pressure on women not to do that thing because we have been socialized to do as asked. People who push this line know that it is especially effective on women because female socialization is basically the practice of making someone painfully compliant.

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kinardgo · 3 years

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Hey Jay, I hope you don't mind this and please feel free to ignore, you just speak your truth always so well and I might be overthinking this.

Do you maybe have any tips on dealing with shame about pronouns? I struggle a lot, because for reasons I cannot be out irl atm, but I finally figured out which pronouns I'm comfortable with, he/him. But I feel extremely ashamed about calling myself that online or with strangers irl, it makes me feel like a fraud and undeserving cause I'm not out in most parts of my life and if I'll come out in the next year it will probably be with they/them first (because I'm a coward and last time I tried hinting at he/him didn't end well). Like I know who I am now, but I am not brave enough to live it.

Okay well first of all, thank you for trusting me with this, that means so much to me.

I think the best thing I can do is tell you that I am not out in a lot of irl situations either, and I go by she/her pronouns very often. I also go by they/them with some people at uni because explaining te complex details of my trans masculinity is a fucking chore and I cba doing it. Do you think I should be ashamed that I don't instantly correct every person I know on my pronouns? I'm guessing you don't. Offer yourself the same kindness.

Try shifting your perception of this a little - really, it's all just boundaries. You have different boundaries with different people, we all do. And we let different people see different parts of ourselves, whether that is because it's practical, or safer, or simply none of their fucking business! I'm sure you practice this to some degree already. So, stop thinking of it as you lying or hiding this part of yourself, and think of it instead as only allowing certain people the priviledge to know that part of you. Honestly, they should be so lucky for you to trust them with that.

Also - you do not have to earn your pronouns. I am sat on my sofa with my whole ass titties out right now, having come back from a shift with my literal gay workmate where I just... went by she/her. If you have to earn the right to use your pronouns by telling everyone or doing a certain thing or looking a certain way then slap my ass and call me [deadname] because I did not earn shit today, I didn't do the bare minimum. I'm still a gorgeous, PROUD trans masc nonbinary person and I don't have to do shit to earn that!

As for doing it online - start small. Faceless tumblr accounts are a good thing here because a) no one is tracing it back to you and b) no one really questions it? And if anyone does give you grief, just get nice and intimate with the block and report buttons. You literally do not have to interact with dickheads on this site unless you want to. You can always change your pronouns back if you want to!

Lastly, and most importantly, I would rather you were awkward and uncomfortable and even dysphoric than in real genuine danger. Being "out" - which is a very flawed binary perpetuated by cishet people who think they are entitled to every aspect of someone's identity - is a privilege that less trans people than you might think from looking at them online can afford. Bravery has nothing to do with it. You are not a coward for protecting yourself, whether that be physically or even just from the mental strain of having to reassert and explain your identity to a bunch of strangers!! Strangers!! Bestie!! They literally don't know you!! Do not let their opinions fuck with you like this!!

If you want to go by he/him, you go by he/him by whoever you trust to respect that and keep you safe. As far as I am concerned, the rest haven't earned the right to call you he/him, not the other way around.

This is so long but I hope you can get something helpful from it.

Love u x

#jay.txt #dysphoria mention #transphobia mention #stay safe my lovely friend #i hope you find some peace with this soon!! <3

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 3 years

Text

Let's Call It Funny

Prompt: Hi! If you know about those gen z peter parker posts, could your write something based on that? With Steve Getting It (tm) because fatalistic nihilism in humor tended to show up during the world wars and we’re seeing a reflection of that now? Sorry- I just think it’d make great options for steve and peter bonding, and dad!tony but actual emotions (gasp!) You can totally ignore this if you want!

Don't ever apologize for giving me such a great ask

Read on Ao3 Part 2

Warnings: uhhh gen z humor

Pairings: none! all found family in this bitch

Word Count: 2529

Here’s the thing about humor. It’s not necessarily that one generation is any funnier than another, it’s just that high school kids are perpetually the funniest people alive. Something about being in a pressure cooker of an environment with a bunch of other people whose bodies are changing in new unpredictable ways whilst having very little say in how their lives go creates humor. Gasp of shock, right?

So basically what Peter’s trying to say is that he’s fucking hilarious.

Come on, not only does he have the default high schooler stuff, he’s also gay, which gives him an instant bonus. He’s trans, which opens up a whole new subset of humor for him to explore. He’s neurodivergent as fuck, and we all know that makes people funny as hell. And if that weren’t enough, he’s severely traumatized and he’s Spider-Man.

Peter Parker is funny as hell.

What is truly devastating—and really, it’s their loss—is that so few people seem to appreciate it.

Ned gets it. Ned’s not someone Peter would expect to not get it, just because hey, it’s Ned. They’ve met each other in the hallways and been like ‘hey! You’re still alive! Congrats on having a body!’ Only for the other one to go ‘hey! You’re alive too! I wish I had an intangible form!’

Because bodies are stupid and evolution really fucked us over but at least we’re not horses.

A solid 50% of their interactions are just quoting John Mulaney and Bo Burnham bits back and forth at each other. Peter’s never gonna forget the day they both had detention and had to watch that stupid Cap PSA—it’s propaganda, you Nazi fuckwits—and something reminded them of the ‘horse loose in a hospital’ bit and they just did it. Full out. Stood up and did the actions and everything. The rest of the room was either trying to do it with them—and failing, because they didn’t have nearly enough practice—or looking so confused. The security guard—Paul, he’s great—just looked at them blearily after they finished and went:

“I mean, you kids are right, but you’re not supposed to talk in detention.”

Well, excuse them for trying to make it more entertaining for everyone.

MJ gets it. If Peter’s being honest, he learned most of his humor from her. She is the master and it is an honor to study in her wake. He’s definitely hijacked the asking whether or not anything’s actually meaningful existentialism jokes and they’ve wormed their way into his day-to-day repertoire.

“Why are you late, Mr. Parker?”

“Time is a social construct, Mrs. B, none of us are ever late or early except in the subjective spacetime paths. The limits of our sensory perception make it so we can’t tell if anything is real, let alone whether or not they conform to some arbitrary definition of ‘time.’”

“…just sit down, Peter.”

See? It works.

Aunt May gets…worried.

Sure, they’ve actually talked about when Peter needs help and wants to reach out and when he’s just making jokes off the cuff because hey, humor’s a great coping mechanism or it’s just a joke and not that serious. Peter loves his Aunt May, so so so much, and the last thing he wants to do is really worry her. And she’s gotten pretty good at figuring out when he’s just joking and when he’s spiraling.

Sometimes, though…

“Peter,” Aunt May calls from the kitchen, “did you remember to stop by the store on your way home?”

Peter freezes halfway through the door.

“Peter?”

He swallows. “…no.”

“Why not?”

“Because I am too stressed and consumed by the swirling pit of blackness deep in my soul to remember my head is connected to my body, let alone remember to go to the store.”

Silence.

“…Aunt May?”

“Do you want to drop off your stuff and then go to the store?”

“…yeah, please.”

“Love you, Pete.”

“Love you!”

“Try to remember that you’ve got arms so you can pick stuff up.”

“Got it!”

See? It’s fine.

The Avengers don’t get it. Like, at all.

Natasha and Clint like, sorta get it? They make the same jokes all the time when they think Peter can’t hear them, which—come on, you guys are super spies, surely you know people are gonna hear you when they’re gonna hear you. Natasha will make a crack about something, Clint will laugh and shove her shoulder. It’s their dynamic, we get it. But when Peter does it…

“Hey, Baby Spider?”

Peter sticks his head up from the ceiling. “Yeah?”

“Where’re you crawling off to?”

“I’m gonna go hide in the garage.”

Natasha blinks up at him. “Why?”

“Because if I get crushed by the airlock doors then I won’t have to do my paper tomorrow.”

Silence. Natasha’s mask is too good for Peter to actually see what’s going on with her, let alone from this angle, but silence isn’t good.

“Nat—oof!”

Something blurs out of the vent nearby and tackles him down onto the couch.

“Clint!”

“Nope,” Clint mutters, wrapping Peter up in a hug as Natasha comes to join them. “You’re staying with us now, Pete.”

“Guys, I’m fine.”

“Peter,” Natasha says softly, “don’t joke about that, you’ll make us worry.”

“I don’t wanna do that,” Peter mumbles, “but it’s fine.”

“Coping mechanism, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s got too many brain cells to do that,” Clint says, ruffling Peter’s hair.

“Stark has a lot of brain cells, you see what good that does him?”

“Hmm. Guess you’re gonna have to stay awhile, Pete.”

There are worse fates. Definitely.

Thor just kind of gets confused by it. He acts like Peter isn’t going to be absolutely fine because there’s no need to do anything like that. No, Peter, you don’t have to put the bleach in first into your cereal, there’s plenty of milk left over. No, Peter, you don’t have to throw yourself off the roof because your laptop is freezing, Stark has so many just lying around. No, Peter, you don’t have to pack a rucksack and run away to the Alps and live like a recluse, come here and get a hug.

Peter suspects Thor’s playing dumb on purpose. The man is smart as hell, there’s no way all of this is flying over his head. And honestly, it warms his heart a little bit when he sees Thor’s sincere, concerned look when he thinks Peter’s not looking.

Banner and Rhodey just kinda shake their heads and move on. They’re used to it. They live and work with some of the most dramatic fucking people in the goddamn universe, they’re used to a little bit of extra humor. Occasionally one of them will give him a look that says he’s pushing his luck, but that’s not often. Less often now ‘cause he knows what he can get away with. He’s also seen them hiding smiles behind their hands or poorly disguised coughs. They’re not as slick as they think they are.

Tony.

Tony is the fucking worst.

Peter can’t get away with so much as sighing too hard before Iron Dad™ is swooping in all soft words and concerned touches. Jesus. You’d think he’d get it, he uses humor as a coping mechanism too, goddamnit, why is he so worried about Peter?

Okay, fine, he knows why.

MJ’s over at the Tower, having another one of her ‘sketch people in crisis’ appointments with Natasha. Peter is coming off of a 32-hour caffeine rush and is violently wishing for death. Tony is in the kitchen doing…something.

“Hey, do you think bleach would make a good smoothie?”

Tony wheels around to see MJ pulling a glass out of the cupboard.

“Kid—“

“Sounds like a filling breakfast,” Peter groans, “can you make me one too?”

“…I’m legitimately concerned,” comes Tony’s mutter.

MJ ignores him. “Who’s the bitch on your forehead?”

Peter rubs absentmindedly at the massive knot on his head, courtesy of a wall that rudely decided to move at the last second while Peter was attempting to walk through a doorway. “He’s called DJ Braindeath and he’s my only friend in the world.”

“Peter—“

“Oh did you meet him at the furry convention?"

“Technically it’d be a buggie convention.”

“What the hell are you two talking about?”

“The pantry doesn’t have good coffee, I’m going to Starbucks.” MJ grabs her bag. “You want anything?”

“A will to live?”

“Peter, what the fuck—“

“Oof, I’ve only got like…20 bucks.”

Peter lets his head drop back to the counter. “Then just leave me here to die.”

“Can I have champagne at your funeral?”

“I’ll be dead, I won’t fucking care.”

“God, I wish that were me.”

Then MJ’s gone and Peter gets treated to a 20-minute conversation with a very concerned Tony Stark that he doesn’t remember most of because hey caffeine crashes aren’t fun.

He definitely does it on purpose sometimes just to wind Tony up. Like there’s this one incident with an interview he does as Spider-Man and he gets asked what he thinks about Tony Stark’s newest intern, Peter Parker.

“That boy’s an embarrassment, just…complete failure. Can’t speak without stuttering through every other word and self-esteem issues all over the place. Also looks like he got dressed in the dark.”

The reporter had awkwardly moved on to another question. The interview aired later that day while Peter was at the Tower. Tony sat next to him on the couch about halfway through.

“You look good, Pete.”

Peter had mumbled halfheartedly, only to hear the reporter ask the same question.

“See, that’s the problem with having a secret identity, you don’t…” Tony trailed off as he heard the answer.

Peter snorted as Spider-Man finished talking. “Say that to my face, you bitch, get a real job. At least I don’t look like someone vomited silly string all over my spandex.”

“Are you okay?”

See? Fun.

The only one he’s made a conscious effort to not be this funny around is Steve.

Because, okay, here’s the thing. Steve’s disappointed look has no effect on him anymore. He’s immune, motherfuckers, he’s had detention too many times for it to still work. Here’s the other thing: Steve doesn’t actually use that tone of voice that often. It’s this meticulously crafted image he plays up in interviews because it catches all the bad guys so off guard when Captain America is suddenly swearing a blue streak at them and telling them to go fuck themselves in, honestly, quite creative ways. The sincere Steve Rogers disappointment and concern still very much works. Also doesn’t help that Steve does caring so fucking well, like…who gave him the right to say a few things and hold Peter like he’s something precious and do the quick one-two punch of saying a super sincere compliment and following it up with ‘I love you.’ Who did that? It’s rude. Stop it.

And yeah, Steve’s the resident Mom at the Ready. It’s a risk to even sit on your bed looking sad ‘cause here he comes, wearing something snuggly and saying ‘hey’ in that stupid, stupid compassionate voice. So Peter knows he’s just gonna end up crying from too much soft if Steve actually gets concerned. Which won’t be fair because he’s gonna try and explain that he’s fine and it’s just his sense of humor while crying. Yeah, like that’s gonna be believable.

So he’s trying not to but damnit it’s hard.

Then he walks into the kitchen one day to see Steve struggling with the toaster.

It’s one of Tony’s new prototypes—which means that anyone struggling with it is so fair—and from the looks of it, it’s managed to not only burn the bread to a crisp, but also mangle the slices beyond recognizable shape.

Peter’s not paying that much attention. He’s on his phone, heading towards his spot in the corner with the beanbag chairs and definitely doesn’t recognize Steve as he goes.

He only plops down and hears someone declare, in a completely deadpan voice: “There is no point to existing at all.”

“Oh, mood.”

He doesn’t think much of it. He doesn’t even know who said that, that’s how hyper-focused he is right now. He hears the others come in and feels Clint plonk down next to him.

“Hey, Pete.”

“Sah, dude.”

“Just vibing. Did I do it right?”

“Yeah, man you’re going great.”

“You teach Thor ‘yeet’ yet?”

“We’re getting there.”

“Steve,” he hears Tony call from the kitchen, “what the fuck did you do?”

“Language.”

“Don’t fucking talk to me about language when you’re making toast that looks like a goddamn welder’s table, what is that?”

“Your prototype’s work, I imagine.”

“How did you even—“

Clint chuckles next to him as the two of them start fondly bickering. Peter’s too busy speedrunning the five stages of grief in his head.

Did…did Steve say the thing about there being no point to existence at all?

No…no way.

He must be imagining things.

Then, of course, there’s a chime on his phone.

Ned: Did u do the bio hw?

There was bio homework?

Ned: yeah, due at noon

“I now know why God abandoned this timeline and when will death come to take me?”

The room goes silent.

Shit.

“Peter,” Clint says, “it’s gonna be fine, you can do bio homework in your sleep—“

“Are you okay?” Ah, that’s Thor.

“Kid—“

And Nat, and Tony’s probably rushing over here as he speaks.

Then there’s another voice.

“We can only pray the reaper arrives early for his appointment with us, kid.”

Peter’s head snaps up.

Steve.

Steve fucking Rogers raises a coffee cup at him in salute and takes a sip. He makes a face.

“…that was definitely salt,” he mutters, before shrugging and downing the whole thing.

…what?

Peter’s still staring at him until he catches his gaze and winks.

Oh, fuck yes.

“Steven Grant Rogers,” Tony says, hands on his hips, “explain.”

Steve just gives him a look. “I grew up in the Great Depression, Tony, and I was in the army. You don’t think I have a fatalistic sense of humor?”

“Plus the fact that most of my generation is resorting to types of humor found when death and stress are so ever-present that you have to joke about it says something,” Peter adds, “doesn’t it?”

Steve raises his cup again. “See? He gets it.”

And just like that, the bond between Peter Parker and Steve Rogers was written, formed, and sealed in salt and existentialist depression.

“There’s two of you,” Tony mumbles, “oh my god, there’s two of you.”

“Oh, you just wait ’til Buck and Sam get back.”

Peter can’t fucking wait.

#marvel #mcu #avengers #spider man #peter parker #fic #dragonbabbles

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asuglyasiseem · 3 years

Text

Hello my INSANE Will-Graham-Is-Trans-Coded essay is about halfway done at this point and I’m posting my progress here in hopes that someone will give me some kind of feedback? I’m literally just writing a goddamn manifesto for my own enjoyment/hyperfixation/therapy as I haven’t written an essay since college. I’m also citing various peoples’ metas and stuff from here. CW for the usual Hannibal stuff as well as liberal use of the words vagina/female with regards to transmasculinity, mention of SA/r*pe

First, because of the depiction of Will Graham’s mind as vaginal, and because of his alienation from traditional masculinity that that vaginality causes him, I am defining him as a metaphorical transmasculine figure: a man whose talent is coded as debilitatingly female. Graham is introduced as a thirty-something professor at the FBI academy, antisocial despite his intelligence and physical ability. The reason for his alienation is his “pure empathy” disorder, a way of “[feeling] way too much” (“It’s a Matter of Taste"). This is a pure fantasy invention, explained at points as “too many mirror neurons” (cite). He describes it as manifesting “[close to] Asperger’s and autistics” (1.01). This makes him a medical and psychological curiosity, although he avoids professional attention, as well as leading to his recruitment as an FBI Special Agent by Jack Crawford. Crawford gives him a job as a criminal profiler; he visits particularly brutal crime scenes and, alone in the room, imagines himself acting out the crimes of the murderers, including their feelings. The murderers’ thoughts, feelings, and actions, lingering at their crime scenes, penetrate his overly empathetic (empathic?words lol) mind. Unfortunately, he cannot compartmentalize these penetrations. Like a trauma survivor, he finds motifs, urges, and feelings from these scenes following him into his psychic life. At times, his control slips, and he will blurt out a thought from one of the killers rather than himself (cite?).

Will constantly being described as “liquid”/ “fluid”

Graham’s power, rather than lying in a masculine field such as analysis, forensics, or violence, is distinctly feminized; his mind is a psychological vessel for violent men, whose penetrations corrupt him, body and soul.

Secondly, Graham is non-functional socially as a masculine figure. He has no close personal relationships, instead rescuing stray dogs. At one point, he initiates a kiss with his colleague, but she rejects him because he is “too unstable” (cite). In his past as a police officer, he retired because he was unable to shoot and kill a dangerous suspect, an obvious phallic failure in a show full of weapons. In addition, the show sets up Will’s unfulfilled longing to be a parent through Abigail Hobbs, the daughter of a serial killer who he catches and kills in the show’s opening episode.

Throughout the narrative, Will’s masculinity is contrasted with the masculinity of his boss and paternal figure Jack Crawford. Crawford, despite his tenderness and care for Will, often misunderstands him, either patronizing him or treating his unique needs with impatient scorn. In the first episode, Crawford asks him about his autism, leaning down to gently push up his glasses and force him to make eye contact (Fig 1). Crawford and Graham frequently clash over his inability to compartmentalize and deal with the workload Crawford puts on him, emphasizing how Crawford misunderstands the toll the work takes and expects him to be functional in ways that he’s not. In Jack’s world, the properly emotionally repressed, masculine world of the father, there is no reverence for either Will’s vulnerability or his talent. In addition, Jack’s relationship with Will is caught between the personal (as his quasi-father-figure) and the professional. Jack ultimately values Will’s importance as a tool over his personhood, and a tool that needs to function correctly within its place to be valuable. This further communicates to the viewer that Will’s existence is something unique and dysfunctionally extra-masculine.

If Jack Crawford represents the morally correct masculinity of the father, Hannibal Lecter is a morally neutral, but highly destructive masculine power. It is not a functional masculinity, but a pure force of masculine power that exists beyond good and evil, and even beyond traditional gender and sexuality roles. Hannibal’s pansexuality- Tobias, Will, Alana 3some. The show’s creators represent Lecter as he sees himself, as a godlike figure. A few sentences about Hannibal and god?

Although Lecter is somewhat queer-coded, he’s also by far the most functional, moral, and successful character on the show, a kind of modern renaissance man who charms and is useful to everyone around him. His life is immaculately groomed, planned, and predictable, “without friends, family, or messy romantic attachments” (ailichi). However, as a surgeon and a serial cannibal, he is deeply involved in the work of life and death through bodily violence. At one key early moment, Graham watches Lecter perform emergency surgery on a dying man in the back of an ambulance. Graham and Lecter make sustained eye contact while Lecter is wrist-deep in the man’s chest. At this moment, Graham realizes Lecter not only has the skill set to be the killer, the Chesapeake Ripper, but also more broadly that he possesses the great power to reach into bodies and determine who lives and who dies- he is not simply some fussy European with strange taste.

In general Lecter’s cannibalism is in contrast with his overtly immaculate life- it is a “‘dirty’ crime; gore and liquidity and uncivilisation”. It reveals his true “fertility and passion and eroticism in the quiet abiotic clinical sterility that is his life … his only vice in the eyes of the world… is actually the only thing that humanises him” (ailichi). His dinners with the other characters, in which he feeds them his victims, represent not simply a joke he is playing on them, but also his only ability to provide for and connect honestly with those around him.

Lecter therefore for the viewer and for Graham, comes to represent the truth of a masculinity that can be accessed by them- an amoral masculinity that includes breaking the boundaries of the body, as is Graham’s mind’s power. Lecter and Graham quickly connect intellectually; he is in a unique position to understand the violation, the pleasure, and the shame involved in Graham’s work, because his own humanity depends on his ability to break the boundaries of the body and mind in a way that is too messy and bodily to be simply masculine. The abject as corrupting the gendered?

#trans will graham #will graham #hannibal #nbc hannibal #hannibal lecter #hannigram #diary #ftm will graham #hannibal meta

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gremlin-writes-angst · 3 years

Text

The Life of an Ackerman: Chapter 1

Jean Kristen X FTM!reader

3k words

My longest chapter so far ( I think)

Trigger warning: Transphobia( No slurs or deadnaming, just ignoring new name) mentions torture and death ( no death or torture but the words are used)

Let me know if I missed a trigger or if you spot any spelling mistakes.

Feedback is encouraged!!

I haven't said happy pride month so happy pride month and I thought it was fitting to say here because this is both gay and trans.

Click here if you want to see more of my work and follow me for more!

Being born an Ackerman wasn’t easy, especially when your father was Kenny the ripper. Your father never had much restraint, for booze or women, when the two mixed Kenny had no problem, most of the time the booze amplified his pleaser. It was no different the night you were conceived, Kenny had his booze and women who worked at the bar. They didn’t love each other, they might not even like each other. You could describe their relationship as a drunk flirt and a waitress who was tired of it, and knowing the best way to get rid of the man was to do what he wanted. She was partially right, because, after one night together, Kenny left her alone, and which was exactly what she wanted. Then three months later she discovered she was pregnant, and Kenny was nowhere to be found. While she was pregnant she investigated Kenny and where he could have gone, and by the time you were born your mother knew where Kenny lived and she had no problem doing the same thing Kenny did to her, she disappeared.

Kenny wasn’t thrilled to find a baby at his door, with a note claiming it was his own. Though he wasn’t the best person, he wasn’t going to leave his own infant, so he raised you, more like trained you. You learned how to protect yourself and others, how to hurt and kill people at the age of 10, you never killed, you just knew how. You missed the innocence of only knowing how to kill because you couldn’t go about life as Kenny the Ripper’s child without killing someone.

At twelve you started to change, you had discovered why you felt so disconnected from your body. You slowly began to change your appearance to be more like the boy you were, even if your body was a constant reminder that you weren’t. You told your father about these feelings when he questioned the change in your appearance. You know he would catch your lies if you tried, so you told him the truth. Telling him that you wanted to go by Y/n instead of the name your mother gave you, you wanted to be called he/him like the rest of the men instead of she/her that you’d been for the past twelve years. He never called you by your old name again, but he also never called you y/n, he called you a nickname which is how he addresses most people. To him, you were now ‘kick’ short for sidekick cause that’s all you were to him.

Being his son and being trained since you were a child, you became a member of the Anti-personnel control squad. Even though you didn’t agree with his stance, you were still forced to work for him. He had told you almost everything about Reiss family and the Ackerman family, and what he hadn’t told you, drunk Kenny told you. So you knew more than most and you formed your own opinion. All for nothing though because you were still forced to work for him and against the scouts. Though being his son and learning the skills of Kenny the Ripper, and being forced to work with him, brought you to working with the scouts, so how angry can you be.

After Kenny died, you grieved and then healed rather quickly, it was important to be able to get over people, you learned that from your dad. After healing you came up with a plan, you hunted down Levi Ackerman, a man that your dad had mentioned more than once. He was an Ackerman along with the captain of the survey corps, you need to meet him. There was a lot your late father had taught you, like manipulation, or blackmail, and because he couldn’t keep his mouth shut you had enough information on Levi to do what you were taught. Though your plan underestimated Levi and fell to pieces when the man caught you.

You were sneaking around the survey corps base, when you felt someone pull you back along with the feeling of a knife against your neck, you knew it was him when he spoke.

“You have three seconds. Who are you and why are you here?”

“ I’m y/n Ackerman”

“Bullshit.”

He pressed the blade further into your neck, it reminded you of your father’s signature move.

“It’s not. I’m the son of Kenny Ackerman, your uncle. Making me your cousin.”

Even with the information which should be shocking to him, I can’t feel any changes in his heartbeat or the pressure his knife has on my throat.

“What proof do you have?”

“I know you are from the underground. I know your mother’s name, Kuchel. I know about your mother’s job.”

You could have continued but Levi didn’t seem to like what you already said and stopped you.

“How do you know that information?”

It was a stupid question, you expected a smarter man. But it must run in the family cause calling him stupid out loud is just as dumb as his question.

“That’s a stupid question, Kenny Ackerman, my dad told me.”

You now felt a change in pressure of the knife on your neck, shockingly it didn’t press deeper but released just a little.

“Did you just call me stupid?”

It was a rhetorical question, and the tone sent chills down your spine. If he hadn’t moved the knife away you would except he was going to murder you. After seconds of torturous silence and stillness, Levi fully removes the knife from your neck. You weren’t free though, he still had the knife ready, now aimed at your back instead of your neck. You weren’t so stupid to try and move, you would be dead in a second if you did such a thing.

“Smart cookie arent you.”

He was testing you, he wanted you to move so that he could strike. But since you didn’t he had no reason to believe you would later.

“Move forward, and don’t make any movement that I don’t instruct you to.”

You start to move down the corridor, trying to determine the right speed knowing that if you move too fast or too slow you’ll be in trouble.

“You are going to turn and enter the next door on your left. Then you’ll turn right and wait by the door.”

His voice was more demanding than before. You spotted the door he talked about, and when you reached it you turned left then right, stopped, and waited at the door as instructed. Levi was right behind you as you entered the room, but he now stood to your left, right in front of the doorway.

You were afraid to make too much movement cause his eyes and kife were still trained on you. Without moving anything but your eye you survived the room, noticing that multiple scouts were cleaning the room.

“Connie and Jean come here.”

Levi yelled into the room, two men approached him. The short one with almost no hair, stood in front of Levi ready for instructions. Then the taller one with brown hair and a long flattish face, stood slouched as if his sergeant wasn’t in front of him. The shorter one hit the taller one, who then straighten his posture. It was funny in an attractive way. Levi turned to the short one and began to give him instruction.

“Connie, go inform Hange that we have an intruder in custody who may be lying about their identity, they’ll know what to do.”

Connie left as soon as Levi was done talking and had now turned to the taller one, and by process of elimination you figured out that he was Jean.

“Jean I need you to find something to confined this intruder with, rope would probably work best.”

Jean moved to a cabinet right next to you and pulled at some rope.

“Good thing we just organized sir or else it would have taken me ages to find this.”

It wasn’t a super finny joke but it was funnier than what you had heard in the past month, and a laugh passed right through you. The was quick shuffling and you realized everyone’s eyes were on you. They all know how strict Levi was and that you laughing wasn’t something Levi instructed. When they realized Levi wasn’t going to do anything they got back to work.

“Jean tie this man’s arms behind his back.”

You had never been called a man and once again your emotions slipped through and a smile reached your lips.

Jean approached you and put his hand on your shoulder, turning your body so you were facing the cabinet the rope came from. He began to tie your arms, tight enough to restrict your movement but not the blood flow. While he works he talks, whispering so only you hear.

“Thanks for laughing at my joke, no one does, it also takes balls to laugh at one of my jokes when your under Levi’s knife.”

Ironic. His hands finish tying yours and he guided you back to Levi.

“Sir I’ve tied the intruder, where should I take him.”

“That won’t be necessary, I got him for now. Everyone finishes cleaning this room, it better be spotless when I return from the torture chamber.”

He takes me from Jean and pushes me out of the room, and toward what I can only assume will be my death or wish for death.

“See you soon, or maybe not.”

“Jean!!”

Jean calls out from behind followed by others yelling at him for the insensitive joke. I smile even if it is a joke at my possible death.

You know sat on the floor of what you assume is a torture chamber, it’s dirty, which isn’t a shock. Suddenly the door opens and Levi walks in and behind him comes a taller person with glasses and a determined face. They seemed to be at the end of a conversation.

“Oh another Ackerman, exiting!”

The taller one practically jumps closer to you.

“We don’t know if it’s true. That what you are here for.”

Levi closed the door behind the two of them still trying to take away your last name.

“Oh come on, what would a poor thing like this lie. Especially lie about being related to you.”

The person stood over you, staring at you intensely, but they talked as if you weren’t there.

“I don’t know, but I do know that Kenny isn’t the father type.”

“I can’t argue with that. I never claimed he was the father type.”

You laughed at the idea of your father acting like a father to you.

“Pipe down brat. Only talk when we ask you a question.”

Levi silenced you.

“Wow, no kick to the stomach. Have you gotten soft?

The person mocked Levi, they also started to investigate you, but never touched you.

“Non-sense.”

That’s all Levi said in defense of the person’s accusations of his emotional strength. You found it Ackerman-like, Ackermans don’t need to defend them selfs over stupid accusations.

“You’re pretty good at spotting lies. So I want you to tell me when the little twerp lies.”

“So no torture, why bring him here then? I think I was right, you’ve gone soft. But no complaints here.”

The person finally addresses you.

“Hello I’m Hange, and it might be your lucky day, As long as you don’t lie, we won’t touch or harm you.”

You weren’t sure if you were allowed to nod so you stay still, Hange continued.

“So you claim that your and Ackerman, to be specific y/n Ackerman. Are you sticking by your original statement?”

You were tired of the constant questioning of your true identity.

“Yes, I am y/n Ackerman!”

You snapped a little.

“Feisty, that’s the Ackerman attitude!”

They turn back to Levi.

“I don’t think they’re lying but I’ll continue.”

They turn back to me.

“Is your father Kenny the Ripper, also known a Kenny Ackerman?”

It was only the second question but you were already sick of the interrogation.

“Yes.”

Hange turned back and walked to Levi.

“Still no lie detected, I don’t have any more questions, because you won’t tell me the rest of the story.”

They nudged Levi with their whole body.

“So you believe he’s an Ackerman. Their little proof of what he says”

When Levi finished, Hange added to what he was saying.

“And less against it.”

They sounded smug.

The two of them left, you were left in the gross dark room. You were also left dark in the sense that you had no clue what they were discussing you knew that what they decide will be your future.

Eventually, the door opened and Hange came in, more excited than they should be.

“A new friend!”

They grabbed you and lifted you onto your feet and began pulling you out of the room.

“Oh sorry, I was supposed to ask before touching you.”

Even though they sounded sincere, they continued to pull you around.

“The cadets and others always tell me that I should respect others space”

They continue to pull you until you arrived at a room, they opened the door and pulled you in, then sat you on the bed.

“Welcome to your new room, it took some convincing but we agreed that at the very least we should keep you in our sight. So your kind of trapped here now, but I promise it won’t feel that way!”

They left and closed the door, but before you could relax they rushed back in.

“Whoops, guess I should undo those restraints.”

You had forgotten about the restraints, they had been on practically all day. You stood up from the bed and turned around so that Hange could undo the rope. You thought back to the person who did the restraints, you thought about his face and his hands and his voice, his laugh that was caused by his own joke. You tried to remember his name, it rhymed with bean, and started with J.

“Jean!”

When you remembered his name, it slipped out, not quietly.

“Yeah, that’s what I said,”

Luckily for you, Hange was talking about the very person you were thinking about. Either way, you became embarrassed. Soon enough Hange left, and you were alone with your thoughts.

You stayed cooped up in the room you were given. There was one door, zero windows, one bed one dresser, and a mirror. There wasn’t much for you to do, the only clothes you had were what you were wearing. You had no reason to leave, no birds to watch and you didn’t even consider looking in the mirror. The boredom had finally reached you, and you couldn’t think of a way to cure it. Luckily for you, someone came to the rescue.

The door open and as it opened Jean came into sight. He had a towel slung across his shoulder and a bucket in hand. He scanned the room and upon seeing you he froze, then coughed a little, while a blush crept up his cheeks.

“Sorry, I thought this room was empty.”

He didn’t make any movement to leave or enter, he stood there staring at you.

“Well, now you know. So are you going to leave or come in, or have you become a statute?”

He started to move inside your room, you had expected him to leave. He must have noticed the confused look on your face, deciding to explain himself.

“Levi’s strict about the cleanliness, so either you clean this room or let me.”

He has a stupid smile on his face as he offers the bucket and pulls the rag off his shoulder, also offering it to you.

“I’m not cleaning, so have fun.”

“That’s what I expected.”

He started to clean the room, but he eventually became tired of the awkwardness of being watched in silence.

“So you have no worries that I’ll snoop on you or steal from you?”

You changed your position on your bed, now sitting legs crossed.

“Yeah cause the man who makes terrible jokes is going to steal something from me. No, I just don’t have anything for you to steal or snoop.”

You responded sarcastically but also felt there was no reason to hide the truth so you told him, in the end, to clear up any confusion.

“Oh so you think that I wouldn’t be able to steal from you, you must be confident. You are you that you are so confident.”

He was joking with you, your glad a strict scout wasn’t the one who was cleaning your room.

“Someone who you restrained less than five hours ago.”

You thought it was weird that he was acting so normal around someone that was labeled as an intruder.

“You’re clearly not much of a threat if they let you in such a nice room.”

You laughed at his detective skills.

“Real though who are you, intruder.”

Without knowing your name, he only knew you as the intruder and decided to use it as a nickname.

“I’m y/n!”

He waited for you to continue but you never did. You didn’t think Levi would want you exposing yourself as an Ackerman.

��No last name?”

He questioned, but you’ve been here before and always answer with something that shuts most people down.

“Lots of people don’t.”

He took your answer, as most people did.

“Yeah, I guess you right.”

The room went quiet again as he continues to clean. Every once and a while one of you would strike up a conversation. You need to stretch your legs, got up, and walked to the door and back, which earned you an earful from Jean about making the floor dirty when he just cleaned it.

Eventually, he was done and had to leave. He opened the door about to leave but stopped when he heard your voice.

“Before you go, can I have my sock back?”

He turned around with a slight shock on his face.

“I guess you have a right to be confident. And you really did have nothing else for me to steal.”

He dropped the sock next to your shoes. He grabbed the door handle and began to close it while saying goodbye.

“See you around, Intruder.”

You assumed that this was going to be a countenance thing, and you don’t mind.

#connie snk #jean kirschtein x reader #ftm reader #levi akerman #ackerman family #hange zoe #tw queerphobia #tw mention of torture #tw mentions of death #attack on titan

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