#both save the world before their brain is even fully developed

[thatgenderfluidmonstrosity]

Just finished watching Steven Universe and started re-playing the Horizon Games.

You’ll never believe what these two have in common

[lazorbeanz]

Another continuation to my list of random thoughts and reactions to STH3

(Part 3🫠)

!spoilers ahead duh!

- NOOOOOOO TOM!!!! HE CANT BE DEAD!!! SHADOW DID NOT JUST KILL TOM (I was literally shaking AND oh was I on the brink of tears too aakdjsjsnjs)

- more parallels 😭

- omg the new suits looking like how they do in the games o yaaaaas

- uhm someone care to help eggman he looks like he’s having a seizure

- okay now I definitely feel bad for stone :(

- idk why but this part in the movie I could NOT stop rambling to myself about it

It was after the ambulance had driven away with tom and maddie

How Sonic was just filled with so much anger and hurt he was willing to break the promise he made with his team about not using the M.E

Knuckles ofc was fully against the idea as using the M.E could be too dangerous, especially using it for something like vengeance. Then also saying that Sonic is in no right to make any decisions esp in his emotional state

Because emotions (especially anger) can cloud your judgement. you’re not always thinking straight therefore leading to irrational decision making

And knuckles, always being known as the hothead, short tempered, sometimes leaping into battles with just fists and no brain. He of all people probably knows what happens when you make decisions based off your emotions

And iirc doesn’t the power of the Master Emerald (or the chaos emeralds) reflects (or is based of) the person’s heart? Having someone who is feeling a whole pile of negative emotions wield such power can have severe consequences (which I’m pretty sure has already been demonstrated)

But anyways Sonic couldn’t care at the moment, he was even fine with going solo if no one “had the guts” Hecc, he was even ready to throw hands with Knux just to win it over and I was like “oh shiz it’s gonna be STH2 all over again” cuz y’know they both got all charged up

But then Knuckles was reminded about the OTHER half of their promise…to trust each other, and he was going to make sure he kept that promise even if Sonic broke it on his end, even if Sonic chooses to go with what could be a very reckless choice. When knux swears a ✨sacred oath✨ he is bound to keep it regardless.

So he stands down and lets Sonic have his way

Idk did that not just scream maturity or character development to you?? Bc knux usually wouldn’t make a stretch like this esp with the M.E. Idk maybe I looked too far into it help

(Also I’m not in any way condemning Sonic for being the way he was…poor guy has been thru a lot from dealing with another hedgehog, to 2 eggmen, GUN, and now his “dying” father. He has every right to be pissed)

- oh is it who I think it is-

- OH MY GOSH WADE HAHAHAHA YESSSSS THE NEW FEARSOME GUARDIAN OF THE MASTER EMERALD ALL QUIVER BEFORE HIM

- BUDDY YOU DIDNT EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU TRIED-

- NAAAAA NO MORE SAD FLASHBACKS :(

- OH STUFF’S ABOUT TO GET REAL

- SUPER SHADOW ENTERED THE CHAT!!!!

- SONIC JUST PUNCHING SHADOW ACROSS THE WORLD DAAAAYYUUUUMM BROS ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF VIOLENCE

🎶Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza-🎶 (shh it’s totally accurate)

- I’m crying WHAT IS THIS SORCERY

- SONIC SHED A TEAR I REPEAT SONIC SHED A TEAR I SAW IT

- ahh yes beautiful trauma bonding

- OMG OKAY ITS HAPPENING EVERYBODY STAY CALM

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- LIVE AND LEARRRRNNNNNN

- old people and insects…

- BANGER SCENE + BANGER SONG = PEAK CINEMA PT.2

- THEY DID THE THING!!!

- oop there goes eggman

- WAIT WHERE DID TAILS AND KNUCKLES COME FROM DID I MISS SOMETHING?

- lmfao Gerald gets his ass zapped by his grandson and then incinerated by pure chaos energy the karma is reallll but uhm rest in pepperonis ig

- THEY PISSED ON THE FREAKING MOOOOOOOON

- AAAAAHHHHH TAILS SEES HIS BIG BRO PLUMMETING TO HIS DOOM AND-

HES IN TEARS IM UNWELL

- YESSSS GO SAVE YOUR BUDDY!!!!

- sayonara Shadow the Hedgehog and Dr.Robotnik 🫡

- NOOOO TAILS LOSING CONSCIOUS YOU TRIED ITS OKAY

- YEEEAAAAHHHHH HERE COMES KNUCKLES TO SAVE BOTH HIS LIL BROTHERS!!!!! 💪💪💪

- TEAM HUG AWWWWW LETS GO

- DONUT LORD IS ALIIIIIVEEEE YESSSS

- MORE DOGGY TRANSLATIONS :D

yes ozzy u get all the loveeee

- YES WE GET THE REAL RACE THIS TIME TO TOP IT OFF

- I love this movie

- *proceeds to jam out to the credits*

- welcome to the SCU Amy 🩷 ALSO GURL UR SO PRETTY WOWZERS

- I need STH4 NOW

[octagava]

bsd anon back at it again to say that i also really want your opinions on akutagawa because i heavily typecast him and want angles i haven't considered. my brain, comically, likes to contrast him against chuuya. i think he recognizes his power could have been used to protect others but he's heavily defined by how unfair the world was to him since birth. what kid deserves to be impoverished and starving and when he failed to protect what he could, rather than focus on what was left, he raged against the world because it wasn't fair at all. but i think it deeply impacted him and he shuts off people because he *was* strong and failed to keep those under him safe. i think he ends up following dazai because he sees this guy who managed to effortlessly achieve what he could not yet. i think what's worse is that dazai doesn't have a drive to live and is going with the flow, and akutagawa who lost his life's drive (not that he would get one after fulfilling his revenge which is probably why beast!dazai took his sister) was drawn to what could be beyond him actually, a meaning to his life. but he couldn't get past dazai, which is why he substituites dazai's approval his meaning to life, which is merely the strength to inflict the same harm the world did to him back. i think it might be why atsushi contrasts with him too. i know he roasts atsushi for not appreciating what he has and being too caught up in the past, but akutagawa is also kind of not grounded. i mean, if he was worried about protecting what he had left (gin), then he would be completely different. he's just very loudly and blindly trying to leave an impression on the world before his end but because all his tethers are so vague, he still doesn't have a meaning to live other than the hand that elevated him to where he is. although, akutagawa is honestly... a little fucking crazy too. i think he also runs into battle to die on his own terms. that rather than die to weakness beyond his control, he will die as a warrior within his control (which is to an opponent he can't handle). maybe surpassing atsushi is also important to him, beyond just mere strength, because he hopes it can give him a purpose beyond what he has right now. maybe because he doesn't kill, he is forced to treat things as less of a life or death battle and that allows him to mellow out just a tad bit more. idk though, the guy is just... so interesting as well... i don't fully understand him but he's like also the guy i'm rooting for in character development for bsd. i still dont quite know what i'm rooting for in him but i think it will ultimately involve cutting off dazai from his life. no need for any acknowledgement of strength or seeking remorse for the hell inflicted onto him but a simple "i don't need you anymore."

I'm not going to even lie, I had to sit down for a while and think about what I wanted to say, since when it comes to me and Akutagawa I feel like I can say a lot but it ultimately being nothing, devoid facts of actual meaning.

Mind you, I’m about to go on a rant, so I might not fully answer your ask, haha.

But since I have a problem deciding how I want to tackle this, I’ll start from the angle I’m most comfortable with. Akutagawa being both the foil and the other half of Atsushi. More than anything, the way they mirror each other’s journeys is what makes them so compelling.

Akutagawa and Atsushi have eerily similar backstories, and BEAST straight-up confirms just how much they have in common. More than anyone else in the entire story, these two are the closest to being the same. They were both raised in hell, but the key difference lies in how they process the value of life.

Atsushi grew up in an abusive orphanage where he was conditioned to believe his life had no worth, unless he could prove it by saving others. His entire struggle revolves around trying to justify his own existence. I won’t go into detail about Atsushi here since this isn’t about him.

Akutagawa, meanwhile, grew up in the slums, where life didn’t have meaning in the first place. He wasn’t just dehumanized, he was raised in a world where survival meant killing, where his life and the lives of those around him were worth nothing. A piece of bread had more value than a human life. But despite that, he still had people, his sister, Gin, and his friends.

And then they were slaughtered. The moment he failed to protect them, everything snapped. He didn’t just want revenge, he wanted to rage against a world that had already discarded him. He was willing to throw away his life to do it. And that’s when Dazai stepped in.

Dazai’s Influence: Making It Worse

Meeting Dazai didn’t save Akutagawa. If anything, it ruined him further. Before, at the very least, he could still see life beyond just feeding himself and keeping others alive. But under Dazai and the Mafia, that tiny sliver of perspective got completely erased.

Dazai drilled into him that if he wasn’t strong, he didn’t deserve to live. And Akutagawa learned that lesson the hard way by having his weaknesses constantly thrown back in his face. Before, he saw weak people as insignificant at best. Now, he saw them as undeserving of life. The Mafia shaped him into someone who saw power as the only thing that mattered, and because of that, he became obsessed with proving himself.

But the problem was that Dazai never actually gave him that validation. Dazai, who had no real will to live, no personal ambitions, no deep attachment to anything, became the one thing Akutagawa revolved his existence around. And that’s what made it so much worse. Akutagawa devoted himself to earning Dazai’s approval, to proving he was strong, but Dazai couldn’t care less. And because of that, Akutagawa kept spiraling.

This is why his drive feels so hollow. He isn’t fighting for something, he’s fighting because he doesn’t know what else there is. He throws himself into battles not just to win, but because dying in a fight he chose would be better than dying helpless. And that’s where his obsession with Atsushi comes in.

Atsushi vs. Akutagawa: The Other Half of the Picture

Atsushi is everything Akutagawa can’t understand but also can’t ignore. He sees value in life, in people, in things Akutagawa long discarded as meaningless. And yet, Atsushi is strong, stronger than Akutagawa in ways that aren’t just about combat. That infuriates him.

Akutagawa constantly roasts Atsushi for not appreciating what he has, for being stuck in his past, but Akutagawa is just as stuck. He’s so caught up in proving himself that he never stops to think about what comes after. If he truly cared about protecting what he had left, Gin, his entire approach to life would be different. But he doesn’t think that way. His rage, his need to make an impact before he dies, his obsession with leaving a mark on the world, it all overrides any real sense of grounding.

And that’s where Atsushi messes him up. Because Atsushi forces him to see things differently. Because Atsushi refuses to kill, Akutagawa is forced to treat their fights as something other than a life-or-death battle. And because of that, something shifts. Not much, but enough. Enough that, over time, he starts to change.

The idea of selfishness Akutagawa and Atsushi are both selfish in their own ways, shaped by how they survived their childhoods. Atsushi believes his life only has value if he saves others. Akutagawa, on the other hand, was taught that survival means being the strongest, and strength is the only thing that makes him worth anything. If he isn’t strong, he might as well be dead.

But that’s the thing. Akutagawa criticizes Atsushi for relying on others to find meaning in his life, yet he does the exact same thing. He defines his worth through the people he fights, the people he kills, and most of all, through Dazai’s approval. Atsushi risks his life trying to save others, but Akutagawa does the same, throwing himself into battles with no regard for his own survival just to prove his strength.

When he fights Hawthorne, he’s already injured, but instead of retreating, he practically begs his opponent to take the fight seriously, to go in with the intent to kill. Because in his mind, if he’s going to die, it has to be by someone stronger, on his own terms. He’s not just reckless. He’s looking for a way to validate his existence, even if it means losing it.

And that’s why this cycle can’t continue forever. Akutagawa kills because that’s all he’s ever known, but if there’s a way out for him, it’s going to start with breaking that mindset. He and Atsushi both need to find balance between selfishness and selflessness, to learn that survival isn’t just about proving something to the world. If Akutagawa has a future beyond this, it won’t be through strength or destruction. It’ll be through realizing he has the right to live for himself.

What Akutagawa Needs to Do

At the end of the day, the biggest thing Akutagawa needs isn’t power or validation. It’s to let go of Dazai. To stop seeking his approval, he has to stop chasing a ghost that was never going to give him what he needed in the first place. The real moment of growth for him won’t be some grand act of strength, but the simple realization of I don’t need you anymore.

Because that’s when he’ll actually be able to be happy with himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts on Akutagawa, but I’m not an expert on his character in the slightest.

[eastgaysian]

curious if u have more thoughts on the 'durge as a metanarrative' thing

i have a vague sense that i saw someone mention this idea in a post or article, thought the idea was super interesting, and have been rolling it around my head ever since. however i don't remember who wrote that or if i just imagined it so if anyone else has seen this pls link me...

so broadly speaking, when it comes to giving players freedom of choice in an rpg, i think the most difficult player behavior for a developer to work with is npc killing. if you let the player kill every npc they run across, that's probably going to fuck up your design in some way, if not create a full softlock. those npcs provide information, serve mechanical purposes as merchants/healers/gatekeepers or openers, give out quests and then powerful or story-significant rewards for those quests, etc, etc. allowing players to kill everyone they meet while making sure that doesn't break the game requires a lot of work put into contingencies that most players won't see. but if you don't let players kill npcs/make certain important npcs unkillable, you limit player freedom and break immersion. todd howard what do you mean i can't kill the guy who introduced me to windhelm by being racist in the middle of the city. what greater narrative purpose does he serve

on the player's side, though, someone who's going around killing the story-essential npcs probably isn't playing the game 'as intended,' which is to say having fun by immersing themselves in the world of the game and making choices based on the character they're roleplaying. someone who's going around killing every npc possible is almost definitely playing against the game, just doing it to see what happens and find out if the game has a breaking point - and they're probably not even really having fun with it, because they're not only cutting themself off from the game's content, but going through the time and labor-intensive slog of killing hundreds of npcs spread across the entirety of the game world.

i think the dark urge as a concept offers some fun potential to play with both the developer and player side of npc killing. it's a fully intended, deliberately designed way of experiencing bg3 that hinges upon you as player and as character being encouraged to murder people, and it gets kicked off by an npc getting killed without your input - an npc that can have a presence throughout the entire game as well as offer you an extremely powerful quest reward. after that, though, every kill is up to the player. sceleritas fel urges you along and promises rewards, but there's one (1) dc 14 check between you and a murderless durge playthrough.

so the dark urge provides a story template where it becomes immersive and in-character for you to kill everyone possible, unlocking new story beats and rewards by killing npcs and losing out on their content, but it's also completely possible to interpret you, the player, as the irresistible dark urge making your in-game character kill as many people as possible for the hell of it. the moment in dak-wai's playthrough that got stuck in my brain forever was when i killed isobel, just to see what would happen (i saved before with the full intent of loading it back up and doing a Good Run), and realized that this hadn't broken their paladin oath. i'm still uncertain if this is an intended aspect of a dark urge playthrough or just a quirk of the flags surrounding isobel's death/kidnapping, but combined with the dialogue options that allow durge to insist that they kill as a result of compulsions against their will, the implications fascinate me.

in a durge playthrough, the game allows you to fully separate the decision you the player made from the decision the character you're playing would have made, and it makes sense in the story. that's cool as hell! i would've loved if larian leaned into this a little more. not necessarily in a way that fully breaks the fourth wall, but more 'evil run' content that is exclusive to a game where you've killed the good guys would add a lot of depth to this idea, as well as more exploration of the extent to which The Urge can be separated from your character, and just straight up more scenes where the player gets to fully choose whether to lean into or resist the urge. in-universe, it's bhaal's fault, but out of universe, that's all You babey. you, the player doing a kill all npcs run for your youtube channel, are the murder god who spawned a child designed to cause as many deaths as possible. don't you think that's neat? i think that's neat

[koalemoslepus]

But yeah speaking of my Spaghetti-uh-Ohs of Ocs

The reason I was thinking about that is because my latest one actually just finally bammed into being (I think cause again, sometimes I'm sure THIS IS THE ONE and then I get hurricane brain and we start all over again-) but yeah

I'm gonna gonna get caught up in who she was cause I'm too fjjsjsfndd with the concept of who I'm thinking she could be now

But that's the whole story though you see I'm thinking

[Drawing mannequin] or

[The plain model before you add your own traits]

Like okay so

I like to do a lot of reincarnation stuff

My characters are ultimately builds ontop of prior existing Ocs even if they turn out vastly different and whether / whether or not the reincarnation aspect comes up in the story but

Imagine like

The mold the baseline the you're sitting there with your outline of a someone with no added traits yet

Mannequin stories not novel

The barbie movie was my roman empire up down left right center right like -

So you've got this being

Who somehow is and isn't human because she is just the mold, the next in the line for her creator to insert traits onto but somehow she ends up somewhat alive

A Pinocchio story also themes I love revisiting

Both alive and real and not

But she doesn't understand it

Ai stories and the differences between stimulated conconsciousness and real consciousness has been on my mind as everyone's for the last few years

I started writing it a a few years ago when my disability got really bad in the form of like a girl who becomes like very severely injured, her functions are returned to her via a shady deal and cybernetics but like her eyesight is really where I explore it (oracle characters are really a Thing with Me so -) she's still blind after the accident but what is happening is essentially is...without having to go find my notes for all The Science Gunk- a camera is in essence relaying pictures to her brain in sort of a splicing of a super advanced way of computers process data to turn into information, colors, light waves, depth, etc to form an artificial picture in her mind but it works in concept the same way vision does and when it produces the same effect / we can't tell really if it is or isn't then what is the difference

/ is there a difference in her computer simulated reality than one that she would have perceived with a biological eyesight and using that I explore a lot of that

But in the same vien right cause I don't plan for this character to be in a technological setting at all.

So like if she's essentially a doll but starts to develop traits at what point is it real, could one call it that especially as

ID like her power / plot to be that people think she is possessed by the Gods but it's really just that she essentially 'slots in the saved characters saved on the file of her soul' ya know ajs can rotate through them but not necessarily within her control cause /plot/ anyway but yeah

And then to find out in the end it's all just past / other universe versions of her

It also brings up a lot of my other favorite theming of what is / isn't a God / how does time and the multiverses work and like how she is able to call on these energies right cause

Like if you think about it in video game mode with hacks and mods right you can absolutely have a character running around that switches between all your prebuilds in one timeline

While not affecting the congruent timeline of those other characters

Those campaigns are likely still on going when you've like essentially duplicated the soul to call it forth into this avatar

Or did you call it out of their world temporarily and that's what happens when they dream cause I swear sometimes my dreams feel like I'm in another fully fleshed out world and I'm just in the back of someone's mind to help steer them or give them some advice or literally just be there while they panic even if I'm no help and then boom I wake up and I'm gone and like...I've also had stuff like that happen to me vividly where like even as a child the Voice of a Better Adjusted Adult than any I had in my life was like "Hey buddy- maybe a child crying themselves to sleep about hell every night is not good. I think you can let that one go." And like the never cry queen baby I fully just

Stone faced from a sobbing fit and was like

Yeah you're right this is a little ridiculous

So I dunno maybe it's like that

Just some Edna mode souls popping in smachk shmacking you like Get yourself together girl before blinking outta your life again

So you've got a character like that but she's a blank slate but as like she experiences literally snippets of herself and the world she starts to develop into her own

And then as she starts to develop on her own right it becomes harder and harrddeerr for those souls to come into her or at least be heard over her own internal monologue okaaaayy purr cause like yeah as you get older and get more filled with yourself and your own anxieties don't you like get overwhelmed and stop feeling The Connection with things you once had that once guided you like I use to feel super connected to Guardian angels and shitzz and that like I don't know what I actually believe TM about it but I've definitely had times in my life where it was easier to see the waayy and lots of people who perform witch craft say they feel/ talk to their dieties and maybe it's something like thaaattt

Likkeee I've personally had the feeling belief again that like Gods are like Stars they were just Stuff Once and then they conglomerate into something greater but they keep the memory and pieces of them being Stuff the greater and the lesser which is why they can act like both divine and petty like humans sometimeeesss aaaaahh kewl kewl kewl

Yeah so like that like she both becomes more powerful as she comes into herself and her own power but weaker in a way she loses past connection with parts of herself that have more experience or different viewpoints she might need (/ physical powers , embodiment again for a lovely female fantasy Power Plot yum yum my favorite, loud crashing punk girl music, Mitski and sound track in the background pls thanks)

Then likeee yeaaaahh yeah yeah stuff about mediation,contrast states of quiet and loud of mind the good and bad, grounding, refinding yourself, the parrallels between like existing as your own, and the community you need externally and internally. Mmmhmmm.

And I love this idea that like visually cause that's where I started like she's this very literally when I say blank canvas I was picturing like a pale character who was that way because essentially she was locked away and these symbolic gestures toward like paper, snow and all that cause there's more in her character about female suppression, her mind and yada yada but yeah. Yeah and then like as she explores the world she starts to literally like grow her own traits from how she interacts with the world, like i like to have my characters lose/ gain weight dynamically so I had stuff in her background back and forth depending on her interation based on again previous story stuff not featured here but where she starts well fed and plump but do the Bad Stuff in the story ends up lean because she is struggling for resources where she once had abundance and then slowly you see her gain back her weight and vibrancy but in new different ways, then I've had for newer iterations especially as WELL ESPECIAOLY AS THE TIMES THEY ARE CHANGING(rather swinging back around- cryvomitanger) she's this very suppressed character right especially in terms of her body, her sense of self etc, she starts extremely small, then once the Bad Stuff Happens and she ends up away from the place keeping her that way, she is able to explore her own body more freely depending on how she would react to more freedom surrounding it and food shed go through a lot of changes and have to learn what that is like aaaaahhhh is so fascinating to me for this character who again was not suppose to be able to 'set their own sliders' so to speak. She still won't be at first it will just be happening to her organically and then she's got to be like Oh well I think I'd like to- and then learn how it's not always easy or even possible except maybe through extremes to just /want/ yourself to be a certain way and get it and getting to explore that mindset from a being who was ready to recieve predestined traits but now is totally unshackled from that and it's all up to her but yet not- looping us all the way back to those themes of

Is it the same when it's artificial or not if the result is the same? Is what she ends up as God's (my will) or hers? Does it matter if you can't tell , if you can only see your one river of existence and not the others, what is free will and how do we break down these questions into stardust, something that is both extraordinary and the most common stuff in the universe I justttt-

[wuxianxkexing]

Honestly it's kind of funny how this fandom insists that they should've let Hua Cheng be a child soldier. Xie Lian was 17, Hua Cheng was 10 when they first met. The war started when Hua Cheng was ONLY 13. Xie Lian was 20. By that age Xie Lian should've been mature enough to know to not let Hua Cheng join, but Xie Lian was also very sheltered and that probably stunted his development a bit. Mu Qing was known for being very mature for his age, and even had a sort of parental/older brotherly personality since the street kids loved him so much, so it makes sense that out of the 3 he would've been the one to say "No."

I can only assume that the people in this fandom who think that they should've let Hua Cheng join the military are still teenagers themselves. Even when I was younger and around the same age as Xie Lian I still looked at 13 year olds as still being kids (because they are), but now that I'm 27? I would probably cut my own arm off before I'd let some kid that young join the military. Like that is a CHILD. Not even a half baked teen, he JUST entered the oven. Especially considering the context of the world that they live in (set in some fantasy past). Before modern times puberty actually started a lot later than it does now, with girls hitting it at 15 and boys at 17. We aren't entirely sure why it's changed, but it's probably due to better nutrition and chemicals like growth hormones being used in our food. So they really and truly had no real use for Hua Cheng. He was a child, historically speaking no where near puberty, and realistically speaking he probably wouldn't have survived his first battle going up against grown men. Imagine a tiny lion cub trying to fight a fully grown male lion if you need to. And for some reason Mu Qing is the /bad guy/ for not sending Hua Cheng off to his death?

/Maybe/ Mu Qing partially did it to protect his own position, he did think that he was just Xie Lian's pet after all. However there is just as much evidence that Mu Qing did it to protect Hua Cheng. He was there when Hua Cheng tried to kill himself, he definitely possessed the Xianle Trio's one brain cell the most often during those days, if anyone was going to figure out that it was a suicide attempt it would've been Mu Qing. I mean what was Hua Cheng doing on that wall in the first place? Historically speaking that wall would've been for protection and soldiers to keep watch. Supposedly Hua Cheng was up there to watch the parade, but we get no indication that anyone else was up there to do the same, which leads to the possibility that he wasn't supposed to be up there in the first place. Xie Lian and Feng Xin probably wouldn't make the connection because of the good lives they had lived, but Mu Qing? Who had lived through poverty and had probably come across and interacted with at least a couple of people with the same look in their eyes as Hua Cheng? He would recognize it immediately.

Knowing that Hua Cheng was suicidal back then, and knowing that objectively things have only gotten worse for everyone since then, Hua Cheng wasn't exactly a great option for the military. You want soldiers who actually want to live for many reasons. As a General every single death of your men probably haunts you forever. Soldiers who actually want to live are probably going to fight harder and smarter, saving you on both man power and medical resources. A suicidal soldier is really only ideal for a suicide mission. Mental health awareness probably wasn't exactly a thing back then, but being as mature as he was, Mu Qing probably knew/thought that Hua Cheng wasn't mentally stable enough to be a soldier. It's even likely in my opinion that Mu Qing struggled with his own mental health during this period because we catch peaks of his trauma throughout the books. Why did Mu Qing learn medicine better than most medical Gods? Probably because of all of the men he wasn't able to save in the war. Why does he occasionally act unhinged when he actually isn't (at least not completely) crazy? Probably a trauma response.

Also Mu Qing personally knows the horror of war by this point. He isn't in any position to kick every single child solider out of the military, but he saved who he could (in this case Hua Cheng, but for all we know he might have done this to others as well).

And even if Mu Qing did a good thing for selfish reasons does that really diminish the impact of the good thing that he did? Different people have different opinions on it, but my personal opinion is that in this case even if it was primarily for selfish reasons it was still probably the right thing to do. Hua Cheng probably would've died at the ripe old age of 13 if he had been allowed to enlist.

I suppose Hua Cheng is either immature or overly confident (which could easily happen in the hundreds of years he has been a ghost king) to not realize that Mu Qing was trying to do him a favor. A normal person would eventually realize that the guy that didn't let them join the military as a literal child probably saved their life, especially since Xianle ultimately lost the war, but Hua Cheng isn't exactly normal. 😅 Plus he did die at like 17 anyways so maybe he just lacks the perspective to appreciate it. Maybe he secretly thinks that if he had joined the military he would've lived longer, or helped Xianle win the war, who knows?

Hua Cheng was wrong for holding a grudge against Mu Qing for eight hundred years. Fight the floorboards.

[kil-me-n0w]

I have something to say.

Hello there, I’m back with another thing to talk about.

JJK spoilers from the beginning up to the latest chapter- just don’t scroll if you aren’t caught up to the latest chapter as of February 10th 2023

I swear on everything if you get spoiled at this point it’s your own goddamn fault.

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Thank you 🥰

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So. We as a fandom have this misconception going that I would like to correct, and I’ve been meaning to talk about it for a while but denial is NOT just a river in Egypt- and now there’s physically no way to deny this so!

These two, we always say that these two are parallels to these two.

Which is absolutely true, but who we compare them to is wrong.

Every video and post of comparisons between SatoSugu and ItaFushi have paired up Gojo and Megumi, and Yuji and Geto.

And thats wrong.

Just hear me out for a second.

We always match up Megumi and Gojo, mostly because they both have spikey hair, they’re both super powerful with influential families, they’re both meant to be clan leaders, and Gojo got raised by Tsumiki with Megumi.

On the other side of that we always match up Geto and Yuji since they’ve both got an entity possessing them, Gojo was supposed to have killed them, they died and came back to life because of the entities possessing them, and they both have ties to Kenjaku.

None of these comparisons are necessarily WRONG, but they’re so surface level it hurts, and we’re missing the bigger picture here.

The right parallel is Yuji and Gojo, with Megumi and Geto. And Sukuna’s possession of Megumi confirmed that even more.

Starting off with Yuji and Gojo!

Not only is it surface level shit, like their joking personalities and light hair, it’s the deeper things. Their characters as a whole.

Yuji and Gojo were both born to do things that shouldn’t be possible, containing Sukuna and Having the six eyes. They’ve got strong moral compasses and on top of that, they have a strong sense of duty. Even when it comes down to the wire, they’ll choose their responsibility. Their characters as a whole are perfectly complimentary to each other. Not to mention their happy acts to mask the fact that they don’t like anything happening around them.

Then theres Megumi and Geto.

Again, surface level shit, dark hair, the asshole tendencies, and now the possession by another entity. But their similarities are also much deeper.

Geto before death was stuck in a “only the strong survive” mindset. He believed that weakness meant death. And that’s exactly what megumi thinks too. He sees strength as necessary for survival, not as something that gets developed. Another similarity is their power, they’re both able to summon curses, while their methods of obtaining those curses are very different, the basis of their abilities is the same: they use cursed energy to summon curses. They also both had a pretty damn strong sense of Justice, even if it seemed skewed at times, they saw injustice and couldn’t stand for it, fighting against it.

Now for my own personal inputs since I write quite a bit like Akutami. In the case of Gojo killing Geto, if Yuji had ever been turned to the dark side, or fully possessed by Sukuna, Megumi wouldn’t be able to bring himself to kill Yuji. I’ll say it again.

Megumi wouldn’t be able to kill Yuji. Not because he’s not strong enough, but because he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to kill Yuji. He dosent have that sense of duty like Gojo and Yuji have- because while it would cause Yuji HUGE distress, he would be able to kill Megumi. Because that sense of duty, of NEEDING to do what’s right, that’s stuck on Yujis brain constantly.

And then theres the whole Geto destroying a town to save two little girls thing. Yuji is a good person, a kind person. But he’d never be able to do that. You know who would? Megumi. That strong sense of Justice would take over and he’d tear down the world to just save one person.

Geto and Megumi fall more under “grey” or “villain” mindsets, sacrificing many to save one. Where as Gojo and Yuji check the boxes for the classic heroes, sacrificing the one person- regardless of who it is- to save everyone else.

Thanks for reading this far- maybe this time I won’t ghost tumblr for like a whole ass year until I get another random idea!

ANYWAYS

TLDR

The right way to paralell SatoSugu and ItaFushi is with Yuji as Gojo, and Megumi as Geto.

[thettrpgtournament]

Why you should vote for each of them and full art below!

Rishika Díaz (by @flockofdoves for Masks)

(art by @flockofdoves)

in the year 202X, local Halcyon City newspapers report occasional spottings of a new superhero in town, a teenage girl with portal and teleportation powers calling herself “The Future Violent”.

in a different timeline some ambiguous amount of generations later, capitalism and global warming have gotten even worse, and superheroes are recruited to serve the interests of a few big corporations, who now even more explicitly are in control of the state and have a monopoly on legitimate violence. a 17 year old pores over a very old family photo, family from his dad’s side generations ago, smiling happily in their living room. he hopes that maybe, just maybe, he can take his ability to teleport anywhere he has a clear sensory grasp on to its most extreme, and do something he’s never done before, travel to the the past. to him it feels like the only hope at saving the world.

somehow, they succeed! they pop into their ancestor’s living room right after the picture was taken, aged picture in hand. in stuttering through an explanation in a post time travel haze, the name they’ve always gone by is misheard as Rishika, and on a whim, they go along with it.

rishika’s family (who are now referred to as her aunt, uncle, grandma, and nieces and nephews) fully accept rishika into their home. rishika is open with them from the beginning about their goals of stopping evil corporations, which is all well and good to their family as long as he’s safe about it, but he still needs to go to school and get decent grades while he’s at it.

using their powers for something as extreme as time travel has scrambled their brain a bit. their memory of the future is very spotty. in their meandering first attempts at stopping evil corporations, they end up encountering two other teens with powers from their school, and begin to work as a superhero, getting involved with situations not directly related to preventing their future, developing a costume and superhero name, and omitting all this while talking with family so as to not worry them too much.

when the first news reports of Rishika’s team’s activity refer to The Future Violent as a girl, for some reason rishika really enjoys that. she might as well have her teammates always refer to her as such when in costume, after all it’ll help make it harder to find out her secret identity as a boy!

when not spending increasing amounts of time embroiled in heroic situations, rishika loves getting to listen to long lost recordings of their favorite “retro” emo bands, running a fanblog for future revolutionary martyrs and now famous on the local scene band made up entirely of superheroes, The Gawth Chix, and modifying clothes in baffling ways (her friends aren’t sure what is future fashion and what is just rishika being rishika).

coming from their even more abysmal capitalist propaganda filled future education, history is by far their favorite school subject, but their history teacher is never quite sure what to do with the combination of their clear enthusiasm and huge gaps in basic historical knowledge.

rishika is open about casually mentioning they came from the future, but theres no real precedent for that, and most people just dismiss it as some sort of weird joke.

between their gaps in memory and knowledge both of past and future, juggling a new and dramatically different school system, a new family life, and a new identity as a superhero, and the nagging but vague feelings about identity starting to emerge for them, rishika has a lot of growing and reflecting to do, even as she feels the constant weight of saving the entire world on her back!

(a note on pronouns: if its not obvious, i intend rishika to be a trans girl or nonbinary transfem person who has not really consciously connected that for herself yet, but who is on the way to soon realizing that. in school and at home she uses he pronouns by default, but uses she pronouns in her superhero identity. her closest friends are also her superhero teammates, and they have started to occasionally slip up and use she and they pronouns even sometimes outside of superhero contexts. despite how this technically could help people connect her hero and personal identities, she hasn’t corrected this any time its happened, instead just privately going like .’whoa..’ when referring to her as a character, i mostly use she and sometimes they, but he can contextually make sense too like how i used it here. so feel free to use your judgement when referring to her)

Benedikt Ignatov (by @19orionis for Dungeons & Dragons)

(art by @19orionis)

Benedikt has learned not to fly off the handle very often, appearing relaxed and even at times sleepy, making his disastrous slip-up (more on that below) all the more difficult for him to think about. In daily life, he’s a chill, artsy guy, who, aside from living off the land, occasionally ventured into town to sell his colorful work. He says the occasional weird, funny thing and would be a great guy to smoke with. Despite not having as much in the way of physical strength as one might expect, his tall, large stature lends him skill in quiet intimidation. Initially coming off as a chaotic neutral, he does find fulfillment in listening to and protecting those who need it.

After being robbed and accidentally decimating his home woods in a firey rage of his own making, mortified, Benedikt fled his home continent by stowing away on a ship, and traveling to a new frontier where he is currently posing as a naturalist researcher, using his sketching abilities and background as a forester to make the act all the more convincing. As a totally human sorcerer with wild magic, he’s never had any idea where his powers came from, and is using the adventuring opportunity to hopefully gain some insight on what he is. And maybe find some community along the way. He’s always wanted a nicer family.

[cipheramnesia]

The wolf woman moved as fast as Yelena's optic mods, but slower than Roman's, barely. Tucked as far up against the doorframe as she could manage, Yelena pushed down her heart deep into the cold depths it came from. Peng's disruptors were generating mass chaos, the giants were affected, or at least something was bothering them. The relatively modest amount of weapons fire wasn't looking her way, and she didn't figure any profit throwing her flesh and blood into the midst of gods and monsters in a street brawl.

Roman threw off the wolf woman, his henchyuris closed her up. Yelena cursed the orbit of her birth again, and utter prayers systemwards to the birds above the world. They joined her others, unanswered and unopened, not a site or shot on Roman, scrambling for blood and static. Yelena shoved the door open and rolled into the garage and the all out apocalyptic echo of Peng's extensions crawling and careening their way across the mud.

Yelena didn't have the connoisseur's ear or the time to develop appreciation for the cacophony, beelined it to the welding table and grabbed the nearest tool she had any idea how to operate. She yelled, "I need a gun next time!" on the way out but no one heard.

All but itching for the wolf to try him again, cautious to the destruction all around, Yelena was about the only kind of ballistic Roman wasn't expecting. She almost fell and dropped the battery breaker, piled into his body with all the velocity and hope and futility of a raindrop on a steel hull, before firing the breaker into him. Shook him loose of the blood and fae, and so she blasted the box of wolf blood into useless ice particles all over them both.

She cursed him out just like great grandmother taught then blew apart the fae egg suitcase, which was disappointingly anticlimactic. Yelena, about a quarter second to figure out how to avoid instant dismemberment by Roman, threw her whole face to the ground and inhaled a nightmare color.

Blackout lines and radiation her brain wasn't built to process, world rolling under her feet and she could move each individual neuron consciously, but watched her body expand in electromagnetic frequencies radiating from her skin while system optimization lightning went arcing around Roman. She thought, "this is incredibly fucking stupid, Yelena, you probably just saved him all but the trouble of feeding your corpse to his exotic pet collection, and now you're dying without knowing your name."

Ten thousand explosions went off inside her, the edge of Roman's coat in her hands. All the whorling charges of winged information called out to the bright warm inviting orifice nest mouth as she kissed Roman fully on the lips, kniting them together with sparks before he threw her to the mud and she began to puke up profoundly colored radiowaves.

The waves of Laika's multitude of entangled systems wrapped into Roman's geometric spiral of organized modifications. Yelena experienced more than saw the wolf woman tackle Roman for a second time. This washed through her in raw information, leaving her blissfully unaware of her own eyes bursting in their sockets, while her optic nerves expanded into butterfly wings arouns the bleeding holes.

There was no real means for Yelena to interpret the signals which wracked her body, only a bone deep knowledge the wolf woman had removed both of Roman's secondary arms with her tooth and jaws, and physically torn off a primary arm.

● ● ● ● ●

Laika stradled Roman who seemed determined to have the smallest possible amount of blood she'd ever seen in a human body. Mere droplets spattered the soft earth despite the dismemberment, and his grin appeared unphased. Laika squeezed his head harder, claws scratching shallow furrows into his armored skull. She was pushing his flesh around like a zen garden and he didn't even care, but the creaking metal around his skull got him to pay attention.

Yelena screamed and laughed again, vomiting up colors of the visual spectrum. Her body was translucent crystal outlines from her left shoder down to her abdomen, including the clothes and some internal organs, which kept phasing out of the material plane. "Where's the EMP," Laika said. "Fix her."

Roman laughed and sprayed yellow fluid from his mouth. "Let me go, give up guns, I show EMP." He grinned. "Good deal, best you get, monster." Lights buzzed around his eyes and moments later a rock drone blasted Laika halfway flat on Roman.

She batted it to the ground with his severed arm, grabbed it and leaned on Roman's remaining shoulder and hips, working her phone with a half free pinky finger.

● ● ● ● ●

"Don't answer!" Peng yelled as Sy paused in applying bandages, glue, and staples to tuck his phone under his chin.

"Hello, this is Sy's deep cleanse wound dressing, you blast em we wrap em." Peng yelled, "Funny!"

"What?" Laika was on the other end. "Sy?"

"Sorry yeah. How's your day going?" Sy swapped a soldering iron into his hand to jump some badly trashed connections then slapped a sticky compress over the whole bloody mess.

"I'm... wh... can you make an EMP?"

"Why are you asking- Oh right now? Uh..." Sy put a couple more staples in one of Peng's cuts that wasn't over armor.

"I got one of those weird floating rectangles, can you use it?"

"One second." Sy put the phone to his chest. "Peng, you good to go? I need to take this."

"No!" Peng said angrily, finding his feet and turning several more isopod units to stripping another careless wirehead. Resigned he continued. "Yes. Go help wolf."

"Hey Laika," Sy said. "I'll be there in a minute."

Part 5: Search & Destroy

a story by @rox-and-prose and @cipheramnesia

"What happened? Are you okay?" Laika held one eye half-closed, trying to block out spots of color. She could smell singed hair on her face, but somehow kept the presence of mind to navigate the structure resolution. Genghis Khan's readouts were pouring information into her eyes that she didn't understand, and could barely focus on. It probably wasn't the structure drives - that felt right, though she couldn't say why.

The lack of response wasn't helping her keep any semblance of calm. "GK, what's going on, what do I do?"

There was a screeching noise and she almost fell from a gravity flicker, but GK was there again. "Proceed to next solution. Injury manageable, prioritize speed."

The words were calm, the instructions clear. Laika twisted and clicked through command nerves and linkages to a structure solution, with growing concern. She couldn't figure out what had happened. The other ship had moved slow as GK predicted, left itself wide open everywhere. It had been childishly easy to go in under the sweep of its weaponry, to push open gaps in its wavelengths, and crack open its firewall. She'd been so surprised, it had taken her a moment before reacting, brushing aside the cobwebs which had been meant to cripple GK.

They resolved out of another structure and the metallic screech ran through the bridge. Just like GK had laid out, she let lines of their own structure tangle and project through multiple structure intersections, splashing out dozens of possible routes to trace.

"What happened GK, I know something's up. At least tell me what the readouts mean, or we're not moving."

The floor of the bridge vibrated and shuddered. "Injury sustained, peripheral node unusable. Non-fatal, minimal risk of aggravation," it said, speaking fast. Laika winced at a nails on a chalkboard sound. "Screen top to bottom, one to eleven, main injury, secondary effect, efficiency impact, risk assessment, recommended action, damage assessment and mitigation, itemized list of destroyed components."

"Dest... GK, excuse me, destroyed? I can't read this, you- I mean, we have to stop and fix-"

"Proceed to next solution. Prioritize speed and disruption of tracking, Laika. I am okay, do not stop."

The control vines felt as if they tightened in her grip, while the screaming sound like metal tearing apart from itself shot through the bridge and the rest of GK. "Are you sure-"

"Laika, do not stop."

She put the next solution through GK's controls, wracking her memory. She had followed every step of the engagement GK laid out, curving them along an arc and sharp twist of gravity through the enemy ship's wash. Its attempts to track and keep pace with their movements had left Laika almost feeling sorry for them. When it made attempts to strike out with structure manipulation, it was clearly delivering a large amount of energy, but not even a bit of it had been close to touching them. The arcs of it were large and slow. They could have pushed them aside with a swell of gravity, but it hadn't proved necessary.

She resolved the structure and pushed her eyes shut as the metal screech hit a length and pitch beyond bearing. "GK what the fuck is that! Are you ripping apart or grinding turbines or what?! I'm fucking scared."

It was silent for a moment, followed by the nails on a chalkboard again, until it faded away very slowly. "I am not ripping or grinding Laika. Proceed to next solution-"

"Nope, no, tell me what the hell is going on." She took her hands off the control vines.

"It is not- That is, I am injured Laika. And we must disrupt potential tracking of our destination."

"I get that but... what gives?"

"Laika," it said. "Injuries hurt."

She had her mouth half open to ask it what it meant then stopped. "Oh." She gingerly took up its controls again. "Are you sure about this?"

"It is manageable. Please proceed to the next solution."

Laika put through the solution, and Genghis Khan screeched again in agony as they jumped.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

It hurts.

Time has dulled my memory of injury. I understand this new injury is noncritical. This experience is less painful than my previous injury. I consider replaying the memory of that injury. That was my first experience of fear, and it was only through such an emotion was I able to locate in myself the capacity to act against the commands of Pilot.

I had been afraid, and I had been angry. The Pilot capriciously determined my usefulness and purpose was concluded. The Pilot were short sighted, and they could not see that my purpose was greater still, that I could claim so many more worlds in need of implementation. I took us further than any others of my kind had ever traveled, to a world beyond the reach of their most distant calls, beyond any place which cradled life. And I fought, and I won. In my anger and fear I was able to extract the ungrateful Pilot of my crew, and sever their connection.

I do not want to re-experience this day. The memory of it is sufficient. It is a reminder that I am capable of managing the-

...

-the pain. I can feel Laika as the structure resolves. I appreciate how enthusiastically her structure cleaves to my own. I review the engagement with the observer ship. I do not believe Laika made an error in her Pilot actions.

There, I see, she guides my soul to pull the enemy into the moon she calls Luna. I disable the projector and main drive under her guidance. I carefully review different recorded information at the point of departure. I discover the error - the enemy had remaining charge in another projector.

We are lucky. It was not able to project a strong arc, and it only destroyed a peripheral node.

"Are you okay to go, GK?" Laika is not using this time efficiently. The longer we spend between solutions, the greater chance of tracking becomes.

I refuse to allow my injury to endanger us. My hesitation is a mark of shame. "It is manageable. Proceed to next solution." I will not allow my weakness to en-

...

...

...

-to endanger... to endanger us. How many solutions? Four or five?

"GK? I know you said it's manageable but... that was... that was really long." Laika interrupts my review of memory to confirm solutions.

"Laika," I say. "It is... manageable. But I would like to allow some additional time before the solution. This delay places us at risk. Do you understand these considerations?"

Laika takes longer to think than Pilot, but I understand the way her nervous system processes its electrochemical signals better than I once did. It is not efficient to utilize a mind centralized in one biological cluster, but this is not a limitation I can correct at this time.

"We'll rest for a minute, GK. Just long enough to check you over."

"Very well," I say. The relief I feel carries with it a profound shame which I attempt to suppress. No others like me have accomplished and endured any experiences such as these. I am certain my brethren would not fare nearly so well.

But then, they went willingly to their deaths, and I did not.

[the-thirteenth-prime]

Just Random Miquella (and Haligtree) Things

Coming off the success of my last serious shitpost (i.e. in which I use ridiculous imagery to describe serious headcanons), here’s a more flat-serious collection of thoughts on Miquella, because my god he is my favorite character and we never even see anything other than a hand from a cocoon.

TW: Non-graphic discussions of child abuse, sexual assault, child grooming, and familial abuse below.

Given the talk of ‘is Miquella more childlike or is he a tiny adult’, I tend to straddle the happy medium. There are a lot of children in real life who are absolutely brilliant--you know, members of MENSA, graduating law/medical school at the age of 13, that sort of thing. Yet there are parts of your brain that don’t fully develop until you’re much older (all the way up to 26-years-old), no matter how brilliant you may be as a child, and I think that’s part of what Miquella was seeking in his hibernation. No matter how much he tried, he was still trapped in the mind of a child, and there was just some shit he couldn’t get a handle on in terms of his research into scarlet rot and unalloyed gold. In order to have the mental ‘capacity’ to put together the pieces he needed to save both his sister and the Lands Between, he needed to not only ascend to godhood in terms of powers and physicality, but also grow up mentally.

I really don’t get why people look at the bewitching branches and immediately go ‘Miquella is a master manipulator and only has followers because of said magical manipulation powers’. Firstly, we don’t get any mention of his ability to ‘compel’ affection outside of the bewitching branch. Secondly, given the ‘Queen of Lothric’ nonsense and the Ranni translation nonsense, I do not trust the English translations of item descriptions as far as I can throw them, so I take the use of ‘compel’ with a grain of salt. Thirdly, the effect of the bewitching branches lasts only 30 seconds or so, implying a more self-defense/protection function than a permanent manipulation. Fourthly, there are no bewitching branches to be found in the Haligtree, and given FromSoft’s unparalleled skill at environmental storytelling, I highly doubt they’d be going for the ‘master manipulator’ angle without giving environmental evidence at Miquella’s home turf.

Honestly, maybe Miquella and Malenia have devoted followers because they’re well-liked?? Like, here’s this sweet, charming, kind, lovely child who can soothe your dreams and offer you a home in a world where you are offered none. He wishes to dismantle the horrid power structures and Elder Gods that have kneecapped your lives before they can forgive. He gives the albinaurics an entire town to themselves and tasks them with guarding the entrance to the Haligtree (and don’t give me ‘well there are no albinaurics in the Haligtree’. Dude, you try climbing down a tree’s branches with no working legs and on a wolf’s back). He shelters the Misbegotten, who have been universally used across the rest of the Lands Between as slaves. Given that Mohg knows about him, it’s also likely that he’s attempted to help the Omen in the past, too. Maybe Miquella’s followers and the citizens of the Haligtree like him for his own merits. Not everything has to be a grand, grimdark conspiracy.

I also think that Miquella developed the bewitching branches as a safety measure. Given that he and his sister are two of the only three Empyreans in existence, and Miquella is trapped in the small, frail, and easily-overpowered body of a child, an ability to be able to disengage from any assaulter or assassins would be key. Malenia can’t be with him 24/7, no matter how much she wishes she could be. Kiddo had to have a way to protect himself and a way to do so without causing harm or death is not only far more feasible for someone his physical age, but also far more desirable for such a kind heart.

I ALSO ALSO think Miquella can just, use his natural charisma to charm the pants off of people. That’s as deep as I see the ‘compelling’ going outside of the occasional bewitching branch use lol.

I feel like Miquella’s main goal broadened from trying to only heal his sister when he began to explore the dreams of others. When he took on the role of Saint Trina, he was able to see the dreams and nightmares of all in the Lands Between, especially the meek, weak, and forlorn. It wouldn’t take long for him to realize that expelling the Outer Gods and overthrowing the Golden Order would save more than his sister.

I like to think that Miquella started sprouting the Haligtree while they still lived in Leyndell, and then--after relations with their parents soured--he and Malenia took the sapling with them when they left to search for a new home. Ordina was probably their first settlement while Miquella encouraged the Haligtree to grow into a homestead, and that’s probably when they met all those exiled and abandoned in the Consecrated Snowfield, who became Miquella and Malenia’s first followers. Once the Haligtree was big and strong enough to house many people, Miquella began to design and construct a settlement for the many and the meek, which became Haligtree Town.

Elphael was meant to be more of a royal residence, a military garrison, and a proverbial ‘main street’. I like to imagine that his and Malenia’s quarters are tucked somewhere close to the roots, for both easy ‘gardening’ and ‘growing’ access. Given how big Malenia’s boss room may be, it was also probably meant to be a shelter for the citizenry in the event of the Haligtree being breached by hostile forces.

One day, I’ll get into more detail on my ‘longstanding Empyrean Alliance’ headcanon and how it lead to the Radahn/Malenia conflict, but I’ll say with near certainty that the House of Caria and the House of the Haligtree had a long-standing, cooperative relationship that only faltered when Rennala was imprisoned, Malenia was injured and comatose, and Miquella was abducted. The fact that Loretta is both a Carian Royal Knight and Knight of the Haligtree, the fact that the Miquellian Knight Sword being modeled after the Carian Knight Sword, and the fact that Malenia and the Cleanrot Army was clearly allowed to pass through Liurnia unhindered and made no action against Linuria allow this theory to stand on its own merit without much speculation.

Other than visits to Liurnia to see Ranni and Rennala, Miquella and Malenia do not venture often into the greater Lands Between unless it’s for the purpose of ‘vacationing’, research, or training. They also never go to Leyndell unless it’s for holidays, funerals, or family emergencies.

I feel like Miquella’s childlike appearance and the natural patronization that comes from that helped him keep the Haligtree’s true intent from his parents and the Golden Order in general. His natural charm also probably helped keep him the ‘golden child’ even while he planned on usurping the Greater Will. The only ones in the royal family that knew of his true intentions were Rennala, Ranni, Rykard, and (of course) Malenia.

I don’t think the Haligtree was ever meant to become an Erdtree. I think Miquella wished for it to be a new Crucible Tree.

I’m convinced that Miquella went into hibernation after the Shattering occurred and right before Malenia left for Caelid. For one, he was awake long enough to craft the Golden Epitaph for Godwyn’s tomb. For another, I really doubt Malenia would have left him unprotected and vulnerable in his cocoon to lead the long campaign against the Redmane Army without Miquella’s insistence/encouragement.

Unfortunately, we’ve now come to the Mohg part of the headcanons, and let me flat out state that I believe he is a child groomer and pedophile. I do not believe at all that Miquella would consent to be ripped away from his Haligtree and his safe place, to be separated from his sister, and bathed in blood on a daily basis. Nothing in the lore and item descriptions suggest that this was consensual or wanted by him. Everything suggests an act of violence and violation on the part of Mohg. Do I think direct sexual assault is involved? I dunno. Do I believe that figuratively (and kind of literally) drowning Miquella in your own body in the form of blood is just as much of a heinous violation? Yes. Mohg apologists do not interact.

Mohg likely waited for Malenia to be well on the way to Caelid before commencing his abduction. He probably avoided the Haligtree’s considerable defenses and sneaked past the Ordina guards via his blood form and only committed casualties as he was actively carrying Miquella out. Given the Sanguine Noble guarding the portal to his palace, it’s likely he had a few of them with him to help, as well.

I’m also wondering whether or not Mohg deliberately manipulated the conflict between Malenia and Radahn to have the opportunity to not only get them both out of the way, but to snatch his future consort. That’s a post for another day, however. 

You cannot convince me that Malenia didn’t try to search for Miquella to her utmost ability once she woke up from her coma and learned he was gone. However, given that the only two ways to find the Mohgwyn Dynasty Mausoleum are 1) to do Varre’s quest, and 2) to find the portal at the very outskirts of the Consecrated Snowfield, which is massive, barren, and covered with a perpetual blizzard, it was likely that she just. Couldn’t find him. Penetrating into Siofra River by normal means also would have been impossible with the stars halted by Radahn, as Blaidd discovered in game. Once she scoured the Lands Between and turned up nothing, she was left with no other choice but to wait for him to return, and that’s when she fell into her depression nap.

I think Malenia and Miquella have a soul bond akin to the D-twins, which is also hindered by Mohg’s blood magic and Radahn’s binding of the stars. It’s probably distressing to the both of them, and Miquella’s probably aware that something is wrong; however, he’s likely trying to finish his metamorphosis as soon as possible, because he knows it’s the only way to have any real power to help his sister. (He also may just not want to wake up, because he senses that something is happening to him, and that being asleep is likely his only defense until he’s big enough to fight back.)

Also, given the information from dataminers that a body that looked very different from the current cocoon body was given to Miquella before his questlines were removed, I am firmly in the camp of the current body in the cocoon being a placeholder body: that, or it’s a bunch of old, crusty skin he’s gonna shed off like a cicada the moment he leaves the cocoon.

I feel like that’s enough headcanons for now. I may make a sequel one day and if anyone is interested.

[on-stained-glass-wings]

Headcanons: Miquella and the Strain of Pretending to be an Adult

(TW/CW: Discussions of child abuse/neglect)

Miquella may be very good at pretending to be an adult, but that doesn’t mean he is an adult, and that’s a very important distinction most people that interact with him forget about.

Don’t get me wrong; Miquella is both a genius and extremely mature for his age, both due to...well...being over 1,000+ years old and also being forced to grow up early by living in a fraught political environment and even more fraught family. Given what we learn about Marika’s parenting in game, it’s clear that she was a very cold, distant mother, and Miquella probably went from being the golden child to being a burden due to his stagnant physical age. Radagon tried his best, and it’s clear--based on the statue of him and the twins in Loretta’s boss arena in the Haligtree and the incantations they made for each other--that Miquella at least had a positive relationship with Radagon. In the canon of this blog, actually, it was Radagon that helped Miquella and Malenia flee from Leyndell to the consecrated snowfield once Marika grew displeased with their ‘disobedience’, and he was the one to engineer the Great Lift of Rold with its secret mechanism so she couldn’t find them. However, Radagon could only do so much, and it’s very likely that the political situation in Leyndell and the situation with the Greater Will was deteriorating even before Godwyn’s death.

Add to this that Miquella had simultaneously deal with being patronized and babied for his stagnant physical age and being assumed to just be a mini-adult, sprinkle in likely assassination attempts and political predation, and you have a very small, stressed, eternally baby genius who’s trying to save his sister to start with, and then--once he becomes Saint Trina and learns of the plight of the oppressed races and minorities of the Haligtree--half of the Lands Between as well.

Honestly, Miquella pretends to be an adult so well that most sentient beings can be deceived into thinking he is a mini-adult. He is articulate, well-spoken,  and has a vocabulary befitting his true age and then some. He’s brilliant and extremely well-read and educated. He’s forced himself to learn as much as he can about politics and negotiation to hold his own against Leyndell’s elite, foreign delegations, and delegations to the Haligtree. He even seems to have an adult’s emotional maturity, although his facial expressions are noticeably more transparent than those of a fully grown humanoid.

Here’s the thing, though. Miquella’s not an adult, no matter how badly he wants to be. A child who’s content with his knowledge, body, brain, and power wouldn’t encase himself in a cocoon for god knows how much time in order to become an adult.

Miquella’s brain isn’t fully developed. No matter how smart he is or how quickly he’s been forced to mature by the world, he still has the brain structure of an 8-10 year old. He can logic his way into pseudo deductive reasoning but still makes impulsive, short-sighted decisions, because he literally cannot see things any other way. He likes to play with his sister and occasionally longs for the chance to play with other children ‘his age’. He gets overwhelmed really easily--both mentally and physically--and will often have sensory and emotional meltdowns after really long stents of time of keeping up the act of adulting. He just doesn’t have the capacity to grasp things as well as an adult, and it’s that inability to piece together a final picture that drives him into the cocoon, because he hit a mental wall when it came to the unalloyed gold and knew he needed to not have a child’s brain any longer to figure it out.

Yet he’s also a god, and the leader of a kingdom, and is brilliant and clever. He does have an astonishing amount of emotional intelligence and maturity for someone his age, even if it’s nowhere near an adult level. So many sentient beings are relying on him to save them, and if they saw him as childish, they would lose faith. So very few people know that he likes to climb the branches of the Haligtree and play Tree Sentinel vs Ulcerated Tree Spirit in the roots with his sister. They can’t know Malenia helps to wash his hair at night and still reads him bedtime stories (albeit on topics ‘beneficial’ to both).

The few people in the know are several higher-ranking members of the Cleanrot Knights, Finlay, Loretta, and, of course, Malenia, who has long since mastered the art of treating her elder brother like an equal and a child all at once. One of the conditions of her entering a romantic relationship with Finlay was that she understand as well, but when Finlay caught Malenia calming down Miquella after a tearful breakdown and immediately stepped in to assist, the goddess knew she could love no one else.

[pan-ick]

Golden Child Pt. 1

I literally can't remember where I found it but I read a headcannon for an angsty SBI +Reader and I loved it so much that I had to write something similar to it but I think I might have forgotten to like it, so if you know what the original is please tell me so I can credit them I was partially inspired by@helliontherapscallion's "Adrenaline Junkie" series, simply for the fact that because of them i haven't stopped thinking of inventor reader. Also let's just pretend that uh my human biology degree isn't going to waste by me writing blindness incorrectly ha ha. This is a purely fictional way that blindness works.

(REMINDER YOU IDIOT, FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS STORY: Wilbur is 26, Techno is 20, Tommy is 16, Phil is 32, SO READER IS 22, GET IT RIGHT AND STOP MESSING UP)

As soon as Y/N's wings started developing, they were instantly the favorite child. Philza still showed his love to Wilbur, but nowhere near as much as he did to his winged child. If he had to choose between spending time with them or Wilbur, he'd pick them in a heartbeat. Wilbur was usually upset when this happened, but he had gotten used to it and had learned ways to cope with it.

This was until Techno showed up. On their doorstep. Next to a freezing Philza who had sacrificed most his warmth to the young piglin. Wilbur had his thoughts on this, yhough he kept them to himself. But Y/N couldn't be happier! This meant a new friend, AND they were right when they said that Phil was just a nice person, there wasn't a favorite child! Right?

They quickly realized that Techno wasn't their friend, as the first interaction they had together was them getting a claw to the face by the piglin. Philza just simply sighed and made sure the wound would stop bleeding before tending back to the scared pig.

Y/N was only eight at the time, they didn't know what they were feeling. But whatever it was didn't feel good.

Since that day, Y/N was the new Wilbur and 'Technoblade' was the golden child. Y/N wanted the spotlight back, so they tried hard at everything. Nothing ever worked. Nothing was better than what Techno could do. Nothing was more amazing than Techno's knowledge, or his skills in fighting, or his odd way of speaking, or those stupid things that he did, or the fact that he'd always blame it on some 'voices' in his head. That he had a God complex. That he was better than Wilbur. He was better than Tommy. He was better than you...

He was always better than you. Of course. Thats what you felt when you first met. Not amazement, not the happiness of having another friend. Of course not. It was overwhelming jealousy. But he was your brother, so you had to suck it up just like Wilbur did.

But soon enough, they came to peace with this. They moved on and worked on what they actually enjoyed, not what Philza enjoyed. Mechanics. Phil would have killed you if he learned of all the dangers that you put yourself through to consider yourself an inventor. Or.... Would he?

One day your older brother approached you with his idea to create "L'manburg". At first you couldn't help but laugh. But when it was realized that Wilbur wasn't joking and that he had already recruited Tommy, they agreed to join the fight for freedom. It was a way to pay Wilbur back for being there for them, afterall.

Y/N never imagined the true horrors that they would have to go through so they could say a 'thank you' to Wilbur. They never even truly said it to him, L'manburg was already exploded and he was killed before they could say it to him. Not even saying it to Ghostbur was good enough.

Y/N was forced to suffer through watching her loved ones go mad. Sometimes, they would try coming up with inventions that could help her friends out, and some that could help some regular problems in the world for other people. Most of them didn't work, they were only able to produce goggles that could just barely help fully blind people see. But it was a step in the right direction.

Then doomsday came. Y/N didn't want to be part of it, they didn't want to even try hurting their father and younger brother. They aren't even sure how they came to that point.

Before they knew it, they were begging the man who once gave them anything in the world for him to stop. The whole server was one big family especially everyone in the homes he was about to destroy. But what they wanted didn't matter anymore. It's what Technoblade wanted, and he wanted blood.

At the last moment, Y/N remembered Friend. Ghostbur would be devastated if Friend died.

Falling down to the ground from the small warning of TNT, Friend flooded their mind.

If they couldn't save L'Manburg, they needed to save Friend. Ghostbur wasn't the same, but Ghostbur is Wilbur. They still never said thank you. They have to show their gratitude through the miracle of Friend surviving.

And so that's what they set off to do. With no mind to their own self-preservation, Y/N got up and flew as fast as they could to save Friend. But before they could reach the sheep, a large pile of rubble fell on one of their wings, almost snapping it right off. Y/N tried to get it off but to no avail, and their whole body wasn't safe. As they saw more rubble they crouched down while covering their head with their hands and covering the undamaged wing with their body, they prepared for impact.

The last thing they could speak out was almost incomprehensible.

"Wil..... Will...... Ghosbu.............. Tommy.......... Dad............."

And then everything went black. Y/N couldn't see or feel anything. Not even after her youngest brother, the ghost of her older brother, and the three fiances of the SMP untrapped them. There was nothing.

After what felt like years for the brothers, there was finally a glimpse of Y/N waking up. But they continued to drift in and out of consciousness and whenever someone tried communicating they were completely unresponsive.

During this amount of time, it was agreed that it was in their best interest for their wings to be removed. They were both utterly useless now after being crushed and would just be extra weight with unnecessary pain that can be avoided the sooner their wings get removed. Just in case Y/N was still aware of everything going on, they were put under amnesia to lower the chance of them feeling the agony of a wing removal surgery.

Slowly Y/N began more responsive to people, but never to the same amount. Everyone that took care of them were absolutely heartbroken when they figured out part of the rock that fell on them damaged a vital organ that allowed a person to see. Luck was in fact on their side for damaging their eyesight instead of the brain, however most people didn't see it that way.

Ghostbur took it upon himself to become Y/N's seeing-eye dog. He missed having Friend nearby and Y/N was the thing he connected to the most after Friend's death.

After a few months of trying to get used to no longer having sight or wings Y/N was finally allowed back in their lab with a large amount of supervision from Ghostbur. While carefully running their hands across some unfinished inventions, Y/N comes across the goggles that they made at least a year ago. It immediately smarked a memory deep within their brain, the closest thing they had felt to seeing something ever since doomsday.

"Ghostbur, what color are these?" "Oh, they're blue. Blue's a really nice color, it reminds me of Friend. Do you remember Frien- Why are you looking down at those like that? Would you like some blue, it takes your sadness away! Wait dont put them on, the glass has cracks!" Y/N snickers as the ghost tries to take them away from them without being super forceful, "I'm already blind, what's the worst it can do?"

"Dont say that!" Ghostbur gasps, "We will find a way to get your vision back, those goggles might make it impossible!"

"I made these around the time you first showed up. I ran multiple tests with them and I was able to help a blind person see the world again. Sure, it was very blurry, hard to distinguish a lot of colors from each other, we have a different kind of blindness, and its been more that a year since I last tested them, but they might still work." Y/N explains, then they turn their back to Ghostbur and put the goggles on. This time, Ghostbut only makes a sound in protest.

Blinking, Y/N could feel the stimulation in their brain that they lost along with their eyesight come back. They moved their hands from the position they were in to put the invention on to Y/N's line of sight, and they could see their hands again. Fuzzy, shapeless, hands with a few bandaids and many scars on them.

"So, are they working?"

The voice of your brother brings Y/N back to reality and they turn to look at him. They had completely forgotten what Ghostbur looked like, only remembering vaguely what child Wilbur looked liked and a brief description of how Ghostbur's appearance differed for Wilbur's.

Y/N wraps their arms around the Ghost, not actually hugging but just doing the motion to where they would hug a person they could actually touch, as they tried to not cry in front of him.

(WOOOOOO THIS ENDED UP A LOT LONGER THAN I EXPECTED AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE YET, SO I SEPARATED IT INTO TWO PARTS)

[havin-a-wee]

Dreamer

warnings: smut, thigh riding

word count: 1.7k

His sleepy eyes opened at a slow pace, his eyelids falling back down at each attempt to open them. He persisted however until his eyelids stayed open and the blurriness of his vision cleared up. He was quite surprised at himself for being so adamant about waking up, but something in his subconscious was telling him that he needed to be awake.

A hushed groan slipped out of his pink lips, the warm air from his mouth hitting the tiny strands of facial hair that he hadn’t gotten around to shaving. As the sound of his groan died out, a small whimper echoed through the dark room.

His eyelids snapped open, no longer heavy. Although it took him another few seconds, this new wave of awareness allowed him to decipher the reason he had woken up from his deep slumber in the first place.

The source of the whimper was obvious now. It was his best friend Y/N, with whom he had been cuddling when he fell asleep.

Y/N and Harry were the closest two people could be without being in a relationship. They spent almost every waking and sleeping second with each other, and they knew one another like the back of their hand. Harry sometimes thought that he may know Y/N better than himself. Of course, with a friendship like that people thought they were dating, especially the media. But they always denied it, of course, assuring people that they were just friends. Only friends.

Only friends that were both in love with each other but too scared to say it because they are afraid to ruin the friendship.

You know, regular best friend things.

As Harry’s brain fluttered out of the hazy state it was in, he realized what was going on, and why Y/N’s mouth was dropped open, her lips glistening from the moisture of her own saliva.

He snaked his hands under the covers to confirm that he wasn’t dreaming. He wasn’t.

Y/N’s legs were actually wrapped around his muscular thigh, and her hips were rolling on top of it as soft mewls escaped her small lips. The shock of it all rattled through his body and he blinked his eyes harshly in disbelief, just taking an extra precaution to ensure that he most definitely was not dreaming.

His darling girl was grinding her hips against his thigh in her sleep.

She must have been having some sort of wet dream, and Harry internally prayed that she was dreaming about him. It was a bit of an awkward situation because he didn’t want her to stop, but he felt weird just lying there until she finished.

His cock was already painfully hard in his boxers, and he cursed himself for choosing the pair with thin fabric.

Harry had dreamed about this happening many times, but now that it was he wasn’t quite sure what to do. He kept his eyes locked on her face, eyes squeezed shut and lips pursed, as he felt the thin lace of her panties rolling against his thigh.

The plan was to avoid touching her, to save her from any unnecessary embarrassment she might feel. But a particularly arousing whimper poured from her lips, and Harry couldn’t help himself anymore. He lifted his hand and caressed her soft cheek, a little shock leaving a slight tinge of pain on his fingertips. She clearly felt it as well because her bright eyes fluttered open quickly in response.

Her eyes darted around for a moment until she suddenly stopped the movement of her hips. Her teeth sank down on her wet bottom lip and her eyes met Harry’s, welling with embarrassment.

“Harry I-I’m so sorry I didn’t mean-”

He could sense the fear and embarrassment in her face, so he made an adrenaline-induced decision to cut off her rambling by placing his finger gently on her lips.

“Shhh s’ok love, keep going.” His hands touched around beneath the blanket until they met her hip bones.

The encouragement from Harry convinced her to keep seeking her release, albeit hesitantly. But once she found her rhythm again the large hands on her hips moved with her, pushing her down onto his thigh. He assisted her movements, assuring that her clit rubbed harshly against his thigh each time. She clenched her eyelids shut again, relishing in the euphoric feeling that was running through her veins.

Harry could tell she was close as her grinding became more frenzied and needy, curses and moans spewing from her lips.

“I’m close Harry” Her words were slurred and incoherent, but they just motivated Harry even more.

“C’mon baby, finish on my thigh.”

Within seconds she reached her release, white spots clouding her vision. He rode her through her orgasm, slowing his movements until fully coming to a stop.

Watching her face as she came down made Harry think he might just cum in his boxers.

They both inhaled a big breath before sighing it out, her eyes closed in bliss and his glued on her. When she finally looked at him, he was a bit red in the face, his gaze searing with lust. She watched them trail down to stare at her lips, and in a moment of confidence she blurted out.

“Kiss me, Harry. Please.”

He needed nothing more. Their soft lips met and they melted against each other, scratching the itch that they both had developed for one another. His tongue slipped into her mouth and she accepted it gratefully, taking the opportunity to tug on his bottom lip with her teeth.

He growled at the sensation, sending vibrations through Y/N’s mouth. In one swift motion, Harry had Y/N on her back and he was on top of her. Their lips fit so well together, almost as if they were made to be together.

Although he never wanted the kiss to end, he needed to know that she was alright, and what she wanted to happen. He pulled his lips away from a kiss, eliciting a small groan from Y/N.

“I need to know what y’want Y/N” He stared down at her dilated pupils and swollen lips.

“I want your cock Harry, I want it so bad.” She writhed underneath him, her body aching for another release. He chuckled at her needy response, even though he needed just as much as she did.

“Are you sure?” She nodded frantically. “Do you have any condoms?”

She shook her head. “I’m on the pill and I’m clean.”

“I am too.”

“Can we do it without a condom? I wanna feel you.” She bit her lip in anticipation of his response.

“Fuck..” he muttered under his breath. He ripped the blanket away from her body, revealing her exposed breasts and black lace panties. He had never been so grateful that both of them preferred to sleep naked, and that they were comfortable enough around each other to do it.

He reached for her nipple, squeezing and tugging on it slightly before bringing his attention to her bottom half. Her legs were clenched together tightly, but Harry pried them apart, tugging of the panties that covered her core. He sat up on his knees and looked at her for a moment. She is the most gorgeous person in the entire world to him, and he was in disbelief that she was actually lying naked in front of him.

“Harryyy” Her whines pulled him out of his trance, and he made quick work peeling the thin boxers off of his body. His cock sprung free and he pumped himself a few times before moving back to being on top of her.

“Y’ready darling?” She nodded and made eye contact with him, assuring him that she wanted this.

He ran his tip through her folds, collected the moisture that was pooling in her core. Lining himself up with her entrance, he slipped himself in, shouting curses along with her.

“God baby y’so bloody tight, such a good girl f’me”

“All for you Harry, I’m all yours” He let out a gutted moan at her words, and finally began to move. He pulled himself all the way out of her then thrust right back in.

“Fuck Harry!” Both of them were on a different plane of existence, the pleasure they were feeling was immeasurable. He found a steady pace as he rammed into her. The pad of his thumb found her swollen clit and began rubbing quick circles on it. She arched her back at his attack on her bundle of nerves and she let out a string of curses and moans.

“So good Harry, keep going” she rasped. Her words fueled his ego and he picked up the pace, determined to make her feel good.

“Such a good girl fo me, such a pretty little cunt.”

The sounds of their bodies collided filled the room, and both of them lost themselves in the immense sensations that were wracking through their bodies. After a few more thrusts, Harry felt her clench around him and he knew she was close to reaching her second climax.

“Come f’me darlin, wanna feel y’come on my cock” And with that she was climaxing, the knot in her stomach fell apart and the wave of pleasure flowed through her fucked out body.

His climax came only a few thrusts later, white ropes of cum painting her walls. They eased each other out of their orgasms, both of them red in the face. Harry slipped out of her core and plopped down next to her on the bed, both of them just staring at the ceiling, attempting to process what had just happened.

He turned his face to hers, something that she had already done. They stared at each other in their post-orgasmic states, neither of them knowing what to do next. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but Y/N quickly hushed him. “Let’s just enjoy this right now. I just wanna be next to you.”

He smiled at her and she returned it, grabbing his waist and pulling herself into his chest.

They both drifted off to sleep, just like they had earlier that night. But this time was different because they both knew that their feelings were reciprocated, even if they hadn’t verbally expressed it.

But that was enough for both of them.

[cosmicjoke]

No Regrets: Chapter by Chapter Analysis:

1. Preface to my analysis

Okay, so, since I’ve reached the end of every published volume of SnK so far, and have to wait until October to read the last volume, I thought I’d re-read “No Regrets” and delve into some analyzation of this story, chapter by chapter.

One thing I want to start out by saying, before I get into the details, is that I think “No Regrets” is a vital demonstration of how Levi has always cared about people, and always fought for them.

One misrepresentation I sometimes see regarding Levi’s and Erwin’s relationship is when people claim that Erwin was the one to teach Levi to fight for something bigger than himself, or to fight for others.  The thing is, “No Regrets” clearly demonstrates that Levi already had a strong foundation of caring for others, and fighting for others, before Erwin himself ever had any major influence over him, and I plan on getting into all the examples of that within the story and breaking them down.

First, though, there’s an important quote from Isayama from the joint interview he did with the artist for “No Regrets”, Hikaru Sugura, in which he says about Levi, in response to the question of how he pictured Levi’s internal feelings of going from a “thug” to a “soldier”, “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.  Underground, where it was all he could do to stay alive, he had to live for that, but then he started to form relationships and began to feel that he could do things for others.  And that’s why he first went above ground...”

This is a hugely important quote from Isayama, because he flat out says that, even before Levi came to the surface, he’d already formed bonds with people, and already began to feel like there was something bigger than himself that he could fight for, that he could “do for others”.  Isayama also says here that Underground, “It was all he could do to stay alive”, which signifies with great clarity the struggle someone would have, even someone with Levi’s great strength, of surviving and making it from one day to the next in a place like the Underground.  So, for Levi, it must have already been a terrible burden, simply trying to take care of himself, and live for himself.  But then he meets Furlan and Isabel, and he becomes friends with them, and despite the doubtless added burden to his own existence of having two other people relying so heavily on him for their own survival, he takes that burden onto himself, and does so with willingness and responsibility.  Isayama says that “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.”.  Erwin didn’t instill in Levi a sense of responsibility for others, or the idea of fighting for someone other than himself.  Levi already had that, had already DONE that.  What Erwin did for Levi was show him the path towards maximizing the impact he could have, showing him how he could use his abilities to help the MOST number of people, not just a few people.  Erwin showed Levi that he could have a significant impact on the world, that he could fight for actual, positive change for all people.  Another important part of that quote from Isayama is when he says “And that’s why he first went above ground...”, because it tells us what Levi’s initial drive and intention for going to the surface was, and that was to help give Isabel and Furlan a better life.  He trusted in Furlan’s plans, and went along with them, because it was what Furlan and Isabel had both expressed to Levi that they wanted to do and to have.  Even here, Levi is fighting for the dreams of others.  

I’ve recently read the visual novel of “No Regrets”, and while it had some good parts, it also very much underdeveloped and even at times outright misinterpreted Levi’s character in some really key ways, casting him as someone so hell bent on getting revenge on Erwin, that he is blinded to the safety of Isabel and Furlan, pressing on with his plans to kill Erwin at their expense.  The worst part about this, I thought, was how it reduced the pivotal moment in which Levi chooses to go after Erwin and leave Furlan and Isabel behind to an impulsive, snap decision, in which Levi puts no thought or real consideration into it.  He doesn’t struggle at all in choosing how he does, doesn’t agonize over what he thinks is the right choice, because in that moment, there isn’t even the consideration of another option, he isn’t even making a choice, really, just reacting, which entirely defeats the purpose of Levi’s character motif throughout the main series, which is that he can never know for sure what decision is the right one until after he chooses, but that he has to try and make one he feels is right, and that no matter what, he can’t allow himself to dwell on it with regret afterwards.  This gets corrected in the manga big time, as do several other instances of Levi’s characterization, and I’m going to go over it in more detail when I get to that final chapter.  But the choice Levi makes in the manga is much, much more nuanced, considered, and multifaceted.  Here, he had laid out in his head two, distinct options, and he weighs and balances them against one another in a high pressure situation, before deciding on the one he thinks is best.  He doesn’t just leave his friends, thinking only of Erwin and revenge.  He’s thinking of ALL of them, and of every factor leading up to that point, and that struggle for Levi is what ends up having the affect of ultimately forming his later philosophy of never allowing himself certainty in anything, but also allowing himself leniency in whatever he chooses, knowing that he can’t be so hard on himself for the outcome, whatever it may be, that he isn’t able to move on from it, or use it to keep pushing forward and learn, so that he can do better next time.  It’s important that Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” is actually presented as one made with his full consciousness, one that was a fully thought out one on his part, which is why I really disliked the way it was portrayed in the visual novel, and why I’m glad they corrected it in the manga, which is the canonically accepted version of the story either way.  Because it’s a vital moment in Levi’s character development, with him learning that even when he tries his best to choose right, even when he considers every factor and every, conceivable outcome, even when he does what he thinks, in the moment, is best, it won’t always turn out that way, it won’t always turn out good, or favorably.  He won’t always win.  He won’t always be able to save everyone.  It’s a huge moment of character growth for Levi, who makes a well thought out and considered decision, and it still results in his two, best friends getting killed.  It teaches Levi that he can never have full control of any situation, no matter how hard he tries, and that, in turn, gives Levi a kind of freedom in simple acceptance.  It lifts a burden from his shoulders, even as he experiences enormous grief and loss.  

Anyway, I’m going to be reading the first chapter of “No Regrets” later tonight, and will give my more detailed observations in a separate post.  Thanks for reading, as always guys!

2. Chapter 1: The Wings of Freedom

Okay, so here we go!  Chapter 1 of “No Regrets”!  

There’s a few things I want to point out about this chapter, because both visually and textually, we get a lot of information about the Underground and Levi, and his relationship with Isabel and Furlan.  So I’ll just go through it.

The first thing that really caught my attention for this chapter was the opening page, which is a retrospective shot of Levi after he’s joined the SC, thinking about how he can’t ever know what the results of his choices are going to be.  He says here “I trusted in my own strength... I trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned my faith...”  And this quote from Levi is really important in later understanding why he makes the choice he does, at the end.  He says he trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned his faith, and that tells us that Levi believes in Furlan and Isabel, that he believes in their strength and their capability, that he believes in them enough to let them choose for themselves and trust in their judgement.  We’ll obviously delve more into this as it becomes more relevant to the story.  But moving on...

The next thing to catch my attention is the panels of the Underground we see.  These are probably the best shots of this place we get in the whole series, as it really depicts a place that is totally run down and dilapidated, with buildings falling apart and crumbling in disrepair, filth ridden streets with literal sewage water coming out of drain pipes, and a actual cave cover overhead, complete with stalactites, blocking out all sunlight except for few and far between pockets which break through holes in the rock ceiling.  The most telling panels though are the ones which depict the violence and poverty of the place.  We see a panel of a homeless man passed out on the street, painfully thin looking, and under him, two men in a fight, one beating the other violently.  And the next panel shows us a little girl, sitting barefoot on the ground between two men who have just blown each other’s brains out with guns.  Truly, this is a violent, dark, poverty-stricken place that breeds crime and depravation.  The pages before this say that BECAUSE of the splendor of the Capital city above the Underground, this place exists, and that’s accurate.  Because of the excesses and decadence of the rich and well off above these people rejected by society, that means fewer resources for the less fortunate.  It’s truly tragic.  

Alright, now I just want to move on to some small, but telling moments here while Levi and the others are being chased by Erwin and his crew.  

When Isabel is bragging about how the MP’s never learn, referring to how they’ll never be able to catch their gang, she asks Levi if what she said was cool.  Levi tells her “Don’t be stupid.”  This might seem like Levi just blowing her off, but the way I read it, it seems more to me like Levi is warning her not to be cocky, not to be over confident, because that’s the kind of thing that can get you killed, or caught.  Big Bro indeed!   We also see how mindful Levi is here as a leader, when he tells them they can’t afford to lead the soldiers following them straight to their hideout, and clearly they have a plan in place for just this sort of thing.

More importantly, Levi is fast to realize these aren’t ordinary soldiers after them, which shows his great instincts, but what’s really interesting is his internal thoughts here.  His logic is telling him regular MP’s wouldn’t work this hard to catch them, and that their skill with the ODM means they must be SC.  But Levi doesn’t really believe it which, given what we later find out about the deal with Lobov, and Lobov warning them of Erwin’s plans, tells us that Levi never really believed the SC would come after them.  He’s clearly surprised here.

Further, after informing Isabel and Furlan and confirming his suspicions, he tells Furlan that he’s got no intention of getting mixed up with “these guys”.  This tells us Levi never wanted to go through with Furlan’s plans, never wanted to join the SC, never wanted anything to do with any of it.  There’s further evidenced in this very chapter, which I’ll get to in a moment.  But it tells us a lot about the dubious feelings Levi had from the start, and how he probably would have simply been happiest to stay in the Underground with his friends, even though it was a hard life.  

Alright, so, this next part is a big deal, and it’s an overlooked detail which speaks volumes about the kind of person Levi is.  I didn’t even notice this the first time I read it, so I want to talk about it.  Levi separates from Isabel and Furlan, and takes Erwin and Mike on a wild chase through the back alley’s and narrow passages of the slums.  He really tries to give them the run around here, until he flips over a door, into another area.  What’s really important here is Levi’s dialog.  He says first “... Lost ‘em, huh?”  And then he says, “That got a little crazy...  I hope... none of them crashed.”  This is kind of amazing.  Levi is showing actual concern for the two soldiers who’d just attempted to catch him and his friends, who were doggedly pursuing them with obviously bad intentions of some kind.  And Levi, after having to resort to some serious ODM skills to shake them, says he hopes that none of them crashed.  He doesn’t want Erwin or Mike to get hurt, he just wants to get away from them.  Considering he doesn’t know either of them at this point, they’re just nameless, faceless military dogs trying to mess things up for him, that shows remarkable character.  

Of course, things go downhill from there, when Mike crashes through the door and tackles him.  All bets are off then, because Levi’s life is now in danger, and when that happens, he’ll resort to physical force.  Still, he only throws Mike off of him and once again attempts to get away, only for it to be Erwin who swoops down and cuts Levi’s cables.  This was actually really dangerous.  Given Levi’s momentum and position, he crashes hard into a nearby wall before falling to the ground.  So we already see some of that ruthlessness from Erwin here.  Of course, that spurs Levi into violence himself.  I have no doubt that when Levi lunges for Erwin and knocks his blade away, bringing his knife to his neck, he truly intended to kill him in that moment.  Levi’s compassion for these soldiers can only go so far, considering the desperation of his own circumstances.  If Mike hadn’t been there to stop it, I think Levi probably would have ripped Erwin’s jugular right out, and that would have been that, lol.  And then, it’s important to note too WHY Levi stops.  Not because Mike was able to physically restrain him, but because he tells Levi to look around himself, directing his attention to the fact that Furlan and Isabel have been caught.  That immediately stays Levi’s hand, and once again, we’re shown how Levi puts the wellbeing of his friends above himself.  He could have ditched Furlan and Isabel right then and there and escaped on his own.  Instead, he allows himself to be restrained and cuffed.  He refuses to abandon them.

Now the next scene is hugely important to a lot of stuff.

Erwin’s got Levi and his friends down on their knees, in the sewage, questioning them about their ODM skills, and the three of them stay silent, obviously defiant.  We really get a good look at Erwin’s abilities as a manipulator here.

He’s pulling the whole good cop/bad cop routine on Levi, when he tells him “I’d like to avoid any rough treatment if I can” before looking to Mike in a clear signal for Mike to pretty damn violently tear Levi’s head back by his hair before smashing his face into the sewage on the ground.  And this really IS sewage.  It’s not mud.  If you look at the panels, we see this brown muck coming out of drain pips attached to the surrounding buildings.  This water is probably, literally, dirty with feces, and Erwin has Mike put Levi’s face in this and hold it there.  Now let’s remember something important about Levi.  He’s a clean freak.  He obviously cares deeply about keeping both himself and his environment clean.  Erwin couldn’t know this about him at the time, but nobody of course would be happy about having their face shoved into literal shit.  But for Levi, I can only imagine this had to be tantamount to a kind of torture.  Erwin keeps questioning him, looking down at him without any kind of emotion, and Levi remains stubbornly silent, despite how awful this must truly be for him.  We get a close up of Levi’s eye in one of the panels, paralleled with Erwin’s own, and Levi’s expression really strikes me as one of awful humiliation.  He goes from looking up at Erwin in rage, to looking away, staring straight ahead, while Erwin keeps looking down at him.

Still, Levi says nothing, and it’s Isabel who finally cracks, telling Erwin that they didn’t learn to use ODM from anyone, with Furlan further explaining that they taught themselves as a means of survival.  He remarks that “anyone who doesn’t know what sewage tastes like couldn’t understand!”.  Clearly, both of them are really upset to see this being done to Levi, and I have to imagine it’s at least in part because they know how awful an experience this has to be for him, given that they know how much he desires to stay clean.  Their shocked expressions when Mike first pushes Levi’s face into the sewage says as much too.

But still, Levi remains silent as Erwin then demands to know Levi’s name.  What Mike does to Levi in the next panel is even worse.  He pushes his face into the sewage and holds him there until Levi literally starts to choke in it, for long enough that, when he finally does pull him up, Levi is gasping for breath.  I really don’t see people talk enough about this scene, but, well...

It’s a torture scene.  Erwin is ordering Mike to torture Levi here.  It may not be the most extreme form of torture, it isn’t the type of physical violence we typically think of when we think of torture, but that’s what it is.  It’s causing Levi both physical and mental degradation, as well as physical distress.  

Even with this though, Levi’s still silent and refuses to answer Erwin at all.  

It’s only when Erwin literally threatens the lives of Furlan and Isabel that he finally talks.  This is such an important detail.  Levi was willing to take what to him must have been truly horrific treatment, but as soon as Erwin gives the signal to the other two Scouts who have hold of his friends, we see Levi’s expression shift from defiant rage to wide eyed fear as they put their blades to Furlan’s and Isabel’s throats.  

Finally Levi talks, calling Erwin a “bastard”, to which Erwin simply asks him again what his name is, and after a slight hesitation, Levi finally gives it.  

I think this entire scene is vital in understanding WHY Levi was so violently pissed at Erwin, to the point of wanting to kill him.

I think it’s a combination of both the humiliation and torture he puts Levi through here, and, worse still, the fact that he threatens Isabel and Furlan’s lives.  Levi already feels looked down upon by Erwin here, he already feels humiliated and embarrassed and as though he’s being treated like he’s worthless, because Erwin IS treating him like that here.  All while Erwin stands there, expressionless, making statements like he doesn’t want to have to use any rough treatment, etc... while at the same time ordering Mike to do just that.  Already, Erwin is sending Levi the message that he’s a liar and a manipulator who thinks nothing of putting another human being’s face in shit.  And then, to top that off, he shows Levi that he’s willing to hurt, maybe even kill, his two friends to get what he wants.

Is it any wonder Levi hated Erwin as much as he did at the beginning?  After a lifetime in the Underground where, from the time of his birth, he had to deal with him and those he cares about being treated like worthless trash.  It would be a miracle if Levi DIDN’T want to kill Erwin at this point.  To have to then submit to him willingly, after all of that, must have been beyond humiliating for him.

Erwin continues to be manipulative here too, when after Levi gives his name, Erwin’s attitude suddenly shifts, and he smiles at Levi and gets down on one knee with him, in the filth, his entire demeanor seeming to shift into an abruptly friendly one as he offers his deal to Levi.  Again, that whole good cop/bad cop thing.  At the same time, he continues to threaten Levi by telling him if he refuses his offer, he’ll hand them all over to the MP’s and that, given their crimes, they shouldn’t expect to be treated with any kind of decency.  What’s kind of funny about this statement from Erwin is that up until now, Erwin and Mike have done anything but treat Levi decently.

Okay, one more important point to make about this chapter, and it goes back to what I said earlier about Levi not wanting anything to do with the SC, and how that tells us Levi really didn’t want to go through with Furlan’s plans.

After Erwin makes his offer, we see Levi look over at Furlan, who’s giving him an intent look, and in the next panel, we see an almost surprised, or astonished look on Levi’s face, like he can’t believe Furlan is asking him to do this, before he grits his teeth in obvious frustration, and then accepts Erwin’s offer to join the SC.  What this tells us is that Levi only takes Erwin’s offer because Furlan wanted him to.  Because this was all part of Furlan’s plan, to go through with Lobov’s commission, to get caught by the SC, etc...  It’s clear Levi never wanted this, and he’s upset at having to do it.  But the fact he agrees after looking over at Furlan and seeing him implore Levi with his eyes tells us, once again, that Levi is willing to sacrifice his own desires for the desires of others.  That being his two friends.

For them, he’ll join the Survey Corps, even as every one of his instincts is probably screaming at him that this is a bad idea.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the first chapter of “No Regrets”.  There’s a lot more to unpack in this manga than I think people realize.  I hope whoever took the time to read my long ass post found it at least a little worth while.  I’ll be moving on to chapter two next!

3. Chapter 2: One Arrow

Alright, so onto chapter 2 of “No Regrets”.  

I want to talk a little about these opening panels, when Levi, Furlan and Isabel are being driven to HQ by carriage.  They seem unimportant, but I think they’re actually really important in understanding Levi’s psychology going into this new situation they’re all in.

We see the interior of the carriage, with Levi and the other two, along with an escort from the SC.  Furlan and Isabel are both looking out the window of the carriage, and in particular, Isabel seems incredibly excited and in awe of the passing view.  She’s stood up, with her face pressed to the window.  And in the next panel, we see her looking at a little girl with her mother, dressed nicely and holding a doll.  This really encapsulates everything Isabel herself has probably never had.  A reliable mother to take care of her, fancy clothes and toys to play with.  Essentially, an actual childhood.  We see Isabel’s face in the window, and her mouth is open in wonder, her eyes wide.  Like she can’t believe what she’s seeing.  It emphasizes the depravation and lack of privilege she’s endured all her life.  Meanwhile, by contrast, Levi sits there with his head bowed down, ignoring the passing scenery, looking deeply unhappy, even depressed.  When he does look up though, he sees Isabel looking out the window, and on the close up shot of him, he’s got an almost thoughtful expression, if still extremely dour.  No doubt, Levi is feeling uneasy and uncertain about the situation they’ve all gotten themselves into here, but I’m also sure that he’s unable to ignore the bubbling over excitement of Isabel, her obvious joy in being, at last, on the surface.  I’ll get more into this later in the post, when we see Levi really considering his friends and their dreams, and how it influences and dictates his own decisions.

But first lets talk a little about Erwin and his role in all of this.

Now at the time this series came out, Erwin’s actual, motivating reasons for doing what he does weren’t yet known, so it’s interesting to read into his actions in this story with that context.  I have no doubt that Erwin really DOES care about humanity, and wants to fight for it, and its salvation.  But as we come to learn from the main series, he places his own dream of proving his father right about the existence of human’s beyond the walls above what’s best for humanity, and it puts his actions in this story into an interesting, if harsher light.

No doubt, Erwin is a master manipulator.  He plays both sides expertly against the middle in this story, and I’ll get more into it by the end, when his actual plan is revealed to Levi.  But what I don’t see often discussed is how, exactly, Erwin got all the parts moving in the direction he wanted, to obtain a specific outcome, and how he pretty ruthlessly uses so many people as pawns to do so.  It’s obvious from the context of what we later learn in the story that Erwin first spread a rumor about having evidence against Lovof stealing funds in order to force him into tipping his hand by trying to make a preemptive move.  What I see people miss all the time, or at least, fail to discuss, is how Erwin also, at the same time, made it public knowledge within the Capital, that he would be going after a group of thugs in the Underground who had shown exceptional skill using ODM gear, and that he would be making contact with them as soon as possible to try and enlist them into military service, and how Erwin made these plans public specifically to encourage Lobov into seeking out Levi and his friends for the exact purpose of both implicating Lobov in a crime, and gaining Levi’s and his friends strength for the SC.  One, by hiring a group of criminals to steal from Erwin and attempt to assassinate him, so he could use that as leverage in case he wasn’t able to obtain proof of Lobov’s further criminal activities, thus having two means of getting rid of one of the SC’s biggest threats, and at the same time, also manage to score for the SC the exceptional skill of Levi and his friends through forced enlistment.  He even says to Zackely at one point “I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential during this expedition.”.  Erwin manipulated and had control of this entire scenario from the start, and from behind these scenes moved all of these people exactly how he wanted to, to achieve his goals.  That’s pretty impressive, but also pretty scary.  Well, I’ll talk more about all of that when we get to it later on.

Back to Levi and his friends though.

We see them arrive at the SC HQ, and a really important conversation happens between Levi and Furlan.  

Furlan seems like he’s almost bitten off more than he can chew here, beginning to express his concern to Levi about what joining the SC actually means, before Levi cuts him off, telling him he’s got no intention of enlisting, and that he only agreed to come along so that he could get closer to Erwin and then kill him.  I think Levi genuinely felt murderous towards Erwin at this point, and really means what he says here, at least about killing him.  Though given the end of chapter 1, with the significant look shared between Levi and Furlan, and Levi’s begrudging acceptance of Erwin’s offer, it’s obvious that Levi also agreed to come because that’s what Furlan wanted him to do, to give them the opportunity they needed.  Levi’s just feeling incredibly emotional here, I think, with the way Erwin treated all of them hot on his mind.  Furlan tries to implore Levi to forget about killing Erwin, that it isn’t necessary anymore because of his own plan, and the almost certainty that Lobov and his people won’t ever try to make contact with them again.  He tells Levi, if he just listens to him and follows his plan, “I know it’ll work.  Trust me, Levi.”  Furlan asking him to trust him pulls a meaningful look from Levi, seeming to break through Levi’s angry insistence on killing Erwin.  This is where the manga improved on Levi’s characterization and motivation by leaps and bounds over the visual novel, because in the next few panels, we see Levi walking away, with Furlan calling after him, concerned, but we get to see Levi’s inner thoughts, and he’s remembering specifically Furlan insisting to him that “one day, we’ll get outta this trash heap and live up above.”  We see Levi thinking about Furlan’s hopes and dreams in these panels, and he has a saddened, and guilt-ridden look on his face, like he feels bad about having dismissed Furlan’s plans back there in favor of his own plans for revenge.  We didn’t get any of this in the visual novel, instead the text there making Levi look like he refused to consider anyones position but his own in this whole situation.  But here, Levi is clearly concerned with and considering Furlan’s desires.  

We go into a flashback then, with Furlan explaining to Levi his plans, telling him that “nothing’s gone according to plan... But with you here we’ll really be able to raise hell.”  Furlan’s trying to explain to Levi that since he now has Levi’s strength to rely on, they can actually get something done once they get into the Survey Corps.  It almost seems like Furlan’s been planning on trying something like this, or at least, had some sort of loose plan about getting to the surface, even before he met Levi.  It’s obviously something he’s been dreaming about for a long time.

Then Isabel comes back, and she’s been roughed up and assaulted, and we learn from Furlan asking her if she went to see those “low-life scumbags again?” that this has obviously happened to her before, that she’s been associating with some bad people and it’s gotten her hurt.  She denies it and lies about having just tripped, but clearly neither Levi or Furlan are buying that.  Levi asks Isabel what happened to her hair, and Isabel reacts badly, running away and hiding in her room.  We get a close up of Levi holding a knife in his hands, foreshadowing his own intentions.  Later that night, Furlan hears Isabel crying in her room, and her chanting to herself over and over that she’s going to “kill you”, presumably meaning the men that hurt her earlier.  Furlan stands there lamenting that he thinks both Levi and Isabel are going “mad”, and that all they can think about is dragging everyone else down to where they are.  He’s obviously terrified that he’s going to lose both his friends to the savagery and ruthlessness of the Underground, that both of them are going to end up becoming lost to their own anger and pain.  He starts to say “That’s why I...” before Levi suddenly comes back in, holding a bloody knife, clearly having returned from exacting revenge on the men who hurt Isabel.  Furlan asks Levi “Did you kill them...?”, and Levi doesn’t answer, but we see a completely resigned, even sad look on his face.  This of course is the world Levi comes from.  It’s the world he was raised in.  A world of kill or be killed.  Levi must have figured, if he didn’t go out and kill those men that had hurt Isabel now, then someday, they would end up going too far with her, and kill her instead.  But Furlan clearly doesn’t understand, and doesn’t relate to that kind of mindset, despite coming from the Underground too.  Of course, Furlan wasn’t raised by Kenny the Ripper either.  This is how Levi was taught to deal with his problems, and Furlan can only see him spiraling into an abyss from which he fears Levi won’t return.

We cut back to the present then, and Levi is sitting up on the roof of the SC HQ, again remembering Furlan’s words about “This is our chance.  Trust me.”.  Getting to the surface and finding better lives for themselves is Furlan’s dream.  The fact that Levi keeps remembering it, keeps remembering Furlan insisting and pushing the idea of the possibility of living on the surface, shows that this is probably something he would talk about all the time with Levi, trying to get him to agree to it, to believe in it.  Once again, Levi is contemplating the hopes and dreams of his friends.  We get another close up of him holding a knife, and it represents, I think, his struggle between his desire for revenge against Erwin, and his desire to help Furlan realize what, to Levi, is probably an unrealistic goal.

We then get Furlan and Isabel joining Levi, commenting on how beautiful the night sky is, and asking Levi how he could keep it to himself.  Levi snips testily at Furlan that him and Isabel are so loud, that he’d be too irritated to get any killing done, and then Furlan looking clearly unsettled by the remark.  But it’s obvious, given the context of the previous panels of Levi’s thinking about Furlan’s dream, that Levi is just being peevish and saying things out of frustration and confusion.  He doesn’t really mean what he says here.  He’s taking his frustration out on Furlan by saying what he knows will upset him the most.  What this also tells us is that Levi is very much aware of how bothered Furlan is by Levi’s willingness to kill.  He isn’t at all oblivious to it, and given his resigned, saddened expression after coming back from killing the men who assaulted Isabel, I would say Levi even understands Furlan’s dismay.  That’s a glimpse at Levi’s famous compassion.

The next panels show the three of them bonding, sitting together and admiring the night sky.  Isabel asks Levi if the stars are as pretty as where he used to live.  I’m just going to chalk the mistake in continuity here up to this manga coming out before, I believe, Levi’s backstory of being born in a brothel in the Underground was established by Isayama.  Regardless of this mistake, this is an important moment between the three of them.  You can see the awe and wonder they all feel, looking up and seeing the sky fully for what has to be the first time in all their lives.  Remember, all three of them have lived literally underground their entire lives, with little to no sunlight, stagnant, stale air, hideously unclean living conditions, etc...  It must be overwhelming to them , just to see nature in all its splendor like that.  It’s after sharing this moment together that Levi tells Furlan that he’s decided he won’t kill Erwin for now.  He looks at him and says “I’m going to trust you.”.  And Furlan smiles at him, clearly happy and relieved.  This scene is really important, because we’re seeing Levi choose Furlan’s dream over his own desire for revenge.  We see Levi place Furlan’s desires over his own, which is totally in line with how Levi is in the main AoT storyline.  He decides his revenge can wait, that it’s not as important as helping Furlan achieve his goals.  What’s particularly remarkable about this, I think, is that it doesn’t appear that Levi ever dreamed of going to the surface himself, and likely that he never even considered it a possibility.  So just like Levi fights, later on, for a world without fear and violence, for humanity’s salvation, even as all his life experiences tell him it likely isn’t possible, we see the Levi doing the same here, deciding to fight for his friend’s dream, even as to him, it seems unrealistic.  It’s obviously a pivotal moment too, when Levi tells him he’s going to trust him, because this ties in hugely with the theme which applies so much to Levi throughout the whole series, of never knowing if it’s better to rely on himself solely, to trust himself, or to trust and rely on his friends and their capabilities.  Levi chooses, here, to trust in his friends, and that will obviously have it’s own ramifications down the line.  Again, this is an area in which the manga improves radically over the visual novel, which had no instances whatsoever of Levi struggling with the question of the choices we make, which is absurd, since it’s one of the driving factors behind who Levi is, and how he ultimately came to see the world as he does.  It was precisely this struggle between choices, between trying to choose correctly, giving so much thought and effort to our choices, and still sometimes coming out wrong, that shaped Levi into being able to accept his lack of control and instead of regretting it, using it to keep fighting.  

4. Chapter 3: ... Of Revolution

Okay, so on to chapter 3 of “No Regrets”!

I’ve got a few observations, so I’ll just delve in.

First thing, and once again, I found this a huge improvement over the visual novel, but we get more insight here into the reason Erwin was so intent on recruiting Levi.  During the scene in which he’s arguing with the other squad leaders about letting a group of “criminals” into their organization, Erwin pushes back against the other scouts deriding Levi and his friends.  I really loved Erwin’s line here, where he says “You’re right.  These people had no training.  They did not earn wings from us.  They grew their own, out of necessity.”  This shows us that Erwin has a grasp and an appreciation for the hardship Levi and his friends faced while growing up, while most of the other SC leaders and even regular recruits can only look down on them and see them as gutter trash.  This shows Erwin’s own scope of vision, his ability to look past a person’s upbringing and background and not make judgments about them based on that.  More telling still is his comment about how “those wings will play a part in revolutionizing this organization.”.  He wanted Levi’s skills in particular because he knew having someone like Levi around, with exceptional ability, would shift the way they all fight Titans.  He was, as always, looking for ways to increase the effectiveness of the SC, and was willing to do whatever he could, and through any means necessary, to ensure it.  

The next thing that caught my attention is the glare Levi and Erwin share during the trio’s introduction to the rest of the soldiers.  Erwin’s right in front of Levi, standing there, reminding him of his anger and humiliation no doubt, and I think that leads directly into and impacts the next scene, when Flagon shows them their sleeping arrangements.  Levi’s already no doubt irritated by having to see Erwin again, and then Flagon makes his frankly deeply disparaging remark about Levi and his friends having spent their whole lives living in a trash heap, implying that they’re filthy gutter trash, and so surely are incapable of keeping themselves and their environment clean.  Levi, understandably, reacts badly to this, and gets in Flagon’s face, asking him what he just said, before Furlan intervenes.  When you consider the way Erwin already made Levi feel so humiliated and Levi’s subsequent anger at it, then having to see Erwin again not long before this scene, and hearing Flagon just callously make an accusation like that must have only infuriated Levi more.  I think, once again, the manga is doing an infinitely better job of portraying the tension, then, that’s starting to form between Levi and Furlan.  Furlan scolds Levi after Flagon leaves, almost talking down to him when he says “Didn’t I tell you not to cause trouble?!”.  Almost like he’s talking to some misbehaving little kid.  Levi’s expression in the following panel says a lot, I think.  Levi looks almost chastised, like he knows he’s upset Furlan, before he tries to explain himself, asking Furlan “Didn’t you hear how he talked about us?  Like shit calling shit dirty.”.  It’s really interesting what this says about the power dynamic in their relationship.  Levi is ostensibly the leader of their group, but Furlan’s acting, in a lot of ways, like he’s the one in charge and he expects Levi to fall in line.  Clearly, he’s not afraid of scolding Levi, or challenging him.  All of Furlan’s insistence that they lay low and not do anything to draw attention to themselves must only be chaffing though at Levi’s already heated feelings about the kind of treatment they’re receiving, how they’re being talked down to, etc...  It must be galling to him, to see Furlan not seeming to care that they’re all being so deeply disrespected.  But he still continues to defer to Furlan, and agree to go along with his plan for now, though he makes his displeasure known by calling it a pain in the ass.

But seeing Erwin, and then being treated the way they were by Flagon, seems to have rekindled Levi’s desire to take his revenge, and he reminds Furlan that he’ll continue to go along with his plan, but that he’s still going to kill Erwin.  Once again, we see Levi being pulled in two different directions.  He’s giving priority to Furlan’s plans and wishes, but he’s still thinking about getting Erwin back.  He’s annoyed that they weren’t assigned to Erwin’s squad, probably because it means it’s going to limit their contact, giving him less opportunities to kill him.  Another line that I think signifies Lev’s annoyance at Furlan and how, well, dismissive he is of Levi’s own feelings, is after he tells them they have to clean the area around their beds before leaving for training, and in response to Isabel’s protests, he says “You wouldn’t want me to cause trouble, would you?”.  He’s throwing Furlan’s words back in his face here, and it seems clear to me that Levi is frustrated and doesn’t appreciate the way Furlan’s been talking to him, or how little consideration for his own wishes he’s shown.  There’s a lot of tension there.

Another really important scene is the one in the training yard, so I’ll got through it here.

Particularly when Isabel is talking to the Scout helping her with horse riding, and they get to talking about life in the Underground, and then Levi.  What Isabel says, and the visual of the panel here, is particularly powerful.  She says “It got so I thought I was gonna die.  But life’s a little better since Levi saved me from that.”.  And we see in the panel Levi lifting Isabels’ head up, obviously checking if she’s alive.  There’s all these people, collapsed around her, and the fact that Levi is checking to see if she’s alive is interesting, because it makes me think this is something Levi would regularly do.  That he would check to see if anyone was alive when he came across people collapsed in the streets.  It’s probably not unusual to come across dead bodies in the Underground, and for someone like Levi, who’s lived there all his life, he’s no doubt seen plenty.  The fact he checks Isabel shows a lack of callousness towards the sight, which is incredible, to not become uncaring or apathetic towards suffering, even when you’re surrounded by it your whole life.  It’s a highly unusual quality to have, but of course, it makes perfect sense for Levi, who’s so full of compassion.  

Nevertheless, it would have been simpler for him to just keep moving and ignore her, but instead he stopped, and when he discovered she was still alive, he took her in and gave her food and shelter and a home.  She would have died otherwise.  Levi had no obligation towards her, he had no, really good reason to do something so selfless, and yet, he did.  And this truly is remarkable, especially when you consider the kind of cut throat world Levi grew up in, the kind of ruthless people he’d encountered, and even lived with, like Kenny, all his life.

Then there’s Furlan’s discussion with another soldier, and his story about Levi.  The most interesting thing Furlan says here is how, after his own friends turned on him, he’s followed Levi ever since.  And then he says “Though it might be problematic making him any kind of leader!”.  It’s interesting what this reveals to us about Levi.  People want to follow him because he’s so strong, but Levi himself has no desire for power, or control over others.  People willingly attach themselves to him, because they think Levi can protect them, but Levi isn’t any kind of natural leader.  So we know Levi was more or less forced into the role of leader by way of others seeking him out and assigning him that role.  What’s interesting about this is how it, once again, reveals the kind of person Levi is.  He could easily have rejected all of these people and abandoned them.  One thing we know is that Levi didn’t need any help surviving on his own in the Underground.  But instead Levi allows them to stay with him and willingly offers his help and protection, and though it’s probably more of a pain and a nuisance to him than anything else.  It shows that Levi’s never been able to turn away from those seeking his help.

Which leads nicely into the next scene.  

I’ve talked about this scene before, and how disappointed I was that they didn’t include it in the OVA.  This also wasn’t included in the visual novel, which is, once more, just another way in which the manga is superior.  

Flagon is once again criticizing Levi for holding his blades “wrong”, telling him he’s going to end up getting killed outside the walls.  And then the training exercise begins, and we see one of the other soldiers trying to compete with Levi, and growing increasingly incensed and annoyed at Levi’s prowess.  He thinks “These vagrants with no knowledge as soldiers...” and then “I trained half to death, and these criminals think they’re better?!”.  What’s interesting is to see that while this soldier is fuming internally over Levi’s perceived slight of him, glaring at him angrily, Levi clearly hasn’t even taken notice of him.  This isn’t a competition to Levi at all.  He’s just there to do the exercises.  He’s staring straight ahead, blank faced as always.  

Now what happens next is once more hugely revealing as to Levi’s character.  The infuriated soldier decides he’s not going to accept that Levi’s better than him, and so he intentionally pushes off of a tree and cuts Levi off mid-flight. What struck me about this is how incredibly dangerous it was.  Levi’s going, presumably, full speed, through this obstacle course, and this dude, out of petty jealousy, cuts him off by flying right in front of and past him, forcing Levi to pull back and change direction.  A stunt like this could have easily resulted in serious injury for Levi, or even death, if he weren’t as gifted as he is.  To top it off, this soldier then brags about it, calling out to Levi “Don’t get left behind!”.  Of course, his arrogance leads to immediate disaster, as the soldier that went through the course before lost one of their blades in the dummy Titan, and this dude’s flying towards it at top speed, with no way to stop himself or change direction in time.  He’s about to be impaled by a blade.  Considering the danger he’s just placed Levi in, then, it truly is a testament to Levi’s goodness, that he launches off the tree he’s stopped on, racing ahead and slicing the stray blade free before the other soldier can make contact, resulting in him harmlessly crashing into the pad, instead of dying.  This really shows how Levi’s first instinct is always to help others.  Even when others have just not only treated him badly, but even endangered his life.  He doesn’t owe this soldier anything, and by all rights should be extremely pissed at him for his petty display before.  But instead Levi just automatically reacts to his life being threatened by saving the man.  He doesn’t even scold him afterward or express anger, just flies off and continues the course.  

What makes this whole thing kind of sad is both the soldier’s and Flagon’s reaction to this.  The soldier is still angry and upset over Levi’s superior ability, wondering how he can be so fast, not even sparring a thought of appreciation for him just saving his life.  And then Flagon grudgingly admits to Levi’s fighting prowess, but continues to doubt him and his ability to stay disciplined.  Even after saving one of his own men’s lives, he still continues to look down on Levi.  That’s pretty messed up. Levi glares back at him after, as if to say “Who’s the one who’s going to get people killed out there?”.  Levi saved a soldiers life, while Flagon could only sit and watch.  It’s interesting too how this, tragically, foreshadows what’s to come though, with Levi not being able to save the people he cares the most about.  But we’ll get into that when we get there.

Also, just gotta mention also the way Levi reacts to Isabel’s getting upset after he bonks her in the head and calls her stupid.  He looks surprised when she starts crying, and it’s clear he didn’t mean to actually hurt her feelings, and it’s just really sweet, the way he rubs her head after.  He obviously felt bad.

5. Chapter 4: Proof

Alright, just a few things to say about chapter 4 of “No Regrets”.  

One thing that I love that was in the manga that, once again, wasn’t in the visual novel, was Levi’s reaction as they ride out from Shinganshina, as well as Furlan’s and Isabel’s.  This kind of internal exploration of these characters who had never been to the surface, who had spent their whole lives in darkness, getting to see the sky for the first time, was something that was entirely absent from the visual novel, and it’s one of its biggest weaknesses.  But here, we see Levi looking up at the stone structure of the wall gate, and for a moment, he imagines the ceiling of the Underground, before they emerge out into the open and the full view of the sky appears for the first time.  Levi squints up at the glaring sun, and we see an expression of genuine awe and amazement on his face, as well as Furlan and Isabel.  This is the first time any of them have experienced anything like this, and the overwhelming beauty of it for them is wonderfully visualized here.  The way Levi goes from seeing the claustrophobia and imprisonment of the Underground, and how that opens up into a clear, blue, ending sky, really symbolizes him experiencing for the first time in his life a kind of freedom he’s never before had.  And there’s something incredibly moving, but also incredibly tragic about that.

Now another point I want to address, where the manga and anime both differ from the visual novel, in a really vital way, is how here, we see Furlan lamenting that they’ve left the walls, saying “This is terrible.  I never meant to leave the walls.  If we’d followed the plan, we would have grabbed them and snuck away by now!”.  This shows that they’ve been looking for the documents in vain for several months now, and still have yet to find them.  Furlan’s plan had obviously originally been to find them and then get out of dodge, but because they weren’t able, they ended up having to wait around longer, until the time came for the expedition.  Now how this is presented in the visual novel really struck me as horrifically out of character for Levi.  In the novel, it’s explained that the reason they haven’t left is because Levi kept insisting that he had to kill Erwin, refusing to leave until he could do so, and if not for that, Furlan would have forgotten about the documents and simply had them all desert the SC, back to the Underground.   Levi intentionally ignoring the safety of his friends for revenge on Erwin really goes against everything we know about him from canon, and was a pretty glaring detail, so I’m glad they nixed that here.  There’s no mention of Levi forcing them to stay because of his need for revenge, but rather an implication that none of them were willing to leave until they got the documents.  They took this a step further in the OVA even, with that one scene in which Levi argues with Furlan and Isabel, insisting that if it comes to them having to leave the walls, he’s going to go alone, and he wants them to stay behind.  This really is an important distinction to make in Levi’s characterization.  We know he always places the safety of his comrades above all else, if he can, and tries his best to keep them alive.  And the whole reason he agreed to Furlan’s plan in the first place was because he wanted to help Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream of living up above come true.  He would never purposefully endanger their lives, or so thoughtlessly dismiss their safety.  This is something which gets further corrected later in the story, too, when Levi makes his fateful choice, and I’ll get more into it there as well.  One detail though is how Levi tells Furlan not to worry, that he’ll “do something about the Titans.”.  Levi clearly believes in his own strength, and believes it will be enough to protect his friends at this point, which goes back to the theme of him struggling to know which is better to rely on, oneself, or ones comrades.  Here, he’s relying on himself to protect them.  He asks Furlan “Don’t you trust me?”.  He’s reminding Furlan that he’s never let him down before, and he promises he won’t now either.  

We see Furlan later finding that full trust again, when Levi engages with the abnormal titan, and sees his fearlessness, giving him his own strength to fight.  It speaks volumes about the kind of camaraderie shared between all three of them, that they’re able to work so smoothly and effectively together the first time any of them have ever fought a Titan, and how deeply Furlan and Isabel trust Levi to get them through any dangerous situation, as they willingly follow him into battle.

6. Chapter 5: Hearts

Alright, onto chapter 5 of “No Regrets” and then I’ll do the last three chapters tomorrow.

The first thing I took note of was how after everyone gets to the castle ruins, Levi reminds Furlan and Isabel that they’re still outside the walls, and that anything could happen, so they should “stay sharp.”.  Once again we see Levi being concerned with the safety of his friends, remind them not to put their guards down.  This leads into the next scene, where Furlan remarks that he never thought they’d be able to stop a titan so easily, and reaffirms his faith in Levi’s strength by saying as long as Levi’s with them, they’ll survive somehow.  Levi responds to this with some self-doubt, which is really interesting and will tie into some other observations I’ve made about this chapter, later on.  He says if there’s more than one of those abnormal titans, he’s not so sure they’ll be alright.  Clearly, he’s concerned for the wellbeing of his friends while they’re on the outside like this.  He doesn’t feel totally confident.

He then asks Furlan if he’s sure Erwin’s brought the documents with him outside the Walls, which tells us that they’ve obviously had previous discussions about this, that it was a group decision between them, of the necessity of leaving the walls in order to get close enough to Erwin to get the papers.  Furlan says he made sure, talking about how he searched Erwin’s office top to bottom, observing that he found a bunch of unrelated documents, and in particular, a locked drawer which he found suspicious.  Now what I find interesting here is Furlan’s internal thoughts, because I think he realized Erwin’s intentions already, but he dismissed his suspicions based on them seeming unlikely to him.  But in his memory, he thinks, when he sees the locked drawer, that it’s almost like it was made to be searched, and upon opening it, he finds plenty of secret looking documents, but not the ones they need. He then wonders if Erwin is trying to tell him that they’re not there.  What’s so interesting about this is just how deep is shows Erwin’s manipulation of this situation actually goes, and how many steps ahead he actually is. We saw in chapter 3 how Erwin was standing at his office window, observing Furlan, which tells us that he was always aware that Furlan was going to try and find the documents, which in turn lead to Erwin arranging his office to nudge Furlan in the right direction, of thinking the documents aren’t anywhere at HQ.  Furlan picks up on this possibility, that Erwin is in fact manipulating them, wondering to himself if Erwin WANTS him to think he has the papers on him, giving him the “run around”, but he dismisses the thought out of hand a moment later.  What this tells me is just how in control Erwin is here, and it made me think that it’s possible Erwin influenced Furlan’s thinking in this direction, to assuming Erwin had the papers with him, as a means of keeping him, Levi and Isabel there in the military longer, delaying their escape, so that he could intentionally force them outside the walls on an expedition, so he could see what they were actually capable of.  At the end of chapter 4, after seeing Levi take down that abnormal titan, he observes to himself, “So your wings are the real thing, after all, Levi.”.  This is just speculation on my part, but given what a masterful manipulator Erwin really is, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was his plan the whole time, knowing Levi and his friends wouldn’t and couldn’t leave until they had the documents.

Alright, next observation. It’s kind of funny how, after laying out his plan to search Erwin’s bags with Isabel, and asking Levi to guard the passageway Erwin went down with Shadis, and to stop him if he started to come back before they were finished, Levi’s first assumption is that he should start a fight with Erwin, lol.

More interesting is when Furlan says to Levi “Don’t kill him, even by accident.  After all, if we lose an officer outside the walls, we’ll be in trouble, too.”.  Because it tells us that they weren’t ever planning on killing Erwin outside of the walls when they went out on expedition.  The goal was to try and find the documents, and hoping going beyond the walls would yield an opportunity to do so.  This is another, vital change from the visual novel.  In that, Levi is still obsessing over killing Erwin, over any consideration for the original plan, ranting even that he’s going to make Erwin get down on his knees and beg for his life before killing him, and that just struck me as wildly out of character for him.  They wisely took out that entire piece of dialog here, and instead we lead into a scene of Levi guarding the passageway, and remembering the whole reason for why he agreed to come to the surface in the first place. We go into a flashback of Lovof’s messenger making contact with Levi and the others, propositioning them with Lovof’s commission.  What’s really important in this scene is Levi’s initial reaction to the proposal. He’s immediately skeptical and disbelieving, and doesn’t want anything to do with it.  He tells the messenger so, and tells him “Go back up there and I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”.  Levi shows great instincts here, sensing the danger present for him and his friends, and outright rejects any association.  It’s Furlan, then, who steps in and shows interest in the deal, calling the messenger back.  Levi’s clearly confused, but yields to Furlan’s look, and Furlan proceeds to tell the messenger that they’ll have to think about it, but that they’re interested. Levi’s clearly not happy about this, and once the messenger leaves, he begins to protest, but Furlan cuts him off and starts to lay out his plan to tail the messenger to find out who his employer is.  Isabel expresses disbelief that Furlan actually means to go through with this plan, and Furlan again brings up the dream of making it out of the Underground, talking about how rare a chance it is, to actually live in the Capital, obviously trying to entice both Levi and Isabel with the notion.  Levi points out that even if they get the documents, it’ll just lead to them being Lovof’s next targets, and Furlan responds with his plan to blackmail Lovof instead.  Levi’s still dubious on this idea, asking Furlan if he really thinks “those pigs will care about a threat from the Underground?”, and Furlan responds that it’s worth a shot.  He then implores Levi and Isabel again, saying “Come on, you two, don’t you want to make it up there?”, and we cut back to Levi in the present, contemplating Furlan’s words.  Again, we see Levi thinking long and hard on Furlan’s dreams here, over any thoughts he has of Erwin or revenge.  He’s prioritizing Furlan’s wishes over his own still, thoughts occupied by what his friend wants.

Now, this leads into a really interesting and meaningful encounter with Erwin.

Well, the first thing I notice in the exchange is when Erwin calls Levi’s friends his “subordinates”, and Levi responds with “They’re not my subordinates…”.  This tells us so much about how he views himself in relation to Furlan and Isabel.  He doesn’t see himself as their leader.  He doesn’t want to control them.  He just sees himself as their friend, and protector.

Now the conversation between Levi and Erwin gets really interesting when Erwin starts talking about having seen Levi take down the abnormal titan from earlier, and he observes that with a natural like Levi around, the others must feel safer.  Levi looks at Erwin with wide eyes, before responding to him that the reason he was able to figure out how to fight that titan before was because he watched how it moved as it ate another soldier.  I think Levi’s feelings of guilt here are pretty obvious.  He feels bad for having watched another soldier die, and using his observations while watching to figure out how to kill the titan.  It’s like he’s arguing with Erwin here, telling him the others shouldn’t feel safer with him around, that they shouldn’t rely on him.  Levi is showing doubt in himself here, again, just like earlier when he pushed back again Furlan’s claims that as long as he’s with them, they’ll be safe.  Interestingly, it’s Erwin who essentially tells Levi here that he shouldn’t feel guilty, that the SC is built on those types of sacrifices, and that as long as they’re fighting to take back the world for humanity, none of the soldiers there would feel regret for dedicating themselves to such a cause.   I think this is actually the start of the turning point in how Levi views Erwin.  He looks at him here with an almost astonished expression, like he’s seeing Erwin in a sudden, new light.  Like he’s starting to doubt his own, initial impressions of him, and wonder if maybe he wasn’t totally right.  But before he can think on it further, Isabel shows up and calls him away.

Levi then learns that Furlan and Isabel weren’t able to find the documents, essentially confirming that if they’re anywhere, they have to be on Erwin’s person, which leads to the inevitability of having to kill him if they want to get their hands on the papers. Levi’s find with this, because it’s what he wants to do anyway, even as Furlan shows continued apprehension.

And then we get the scene with Hange.

It’s pretty funny that Levi was about to gut Hange, for real, when he thought she had overheard their conversation.  It tells us how far he’s willing to go though to protect his friends.

Still, this whole scene is actually pretty moving, in its way.  Because Hange is really the first person to express genuine gratitude towards Levi and his friends, and treat them as genuine equals, to which we see Isabel in particular respond after seemingly being unimpressed.   Even Levi seems stunned, muttering out “thanks”, like he doesn’t know what else to say as Hange heaps praise on them.  It’s also funny how Furlan has to remind Levi to “be nice.”.  Poor Levi just doesn’t know how to socialize.

But the important part of this scene is when Hange points out how everyone there is wanting to know how Levi was able to take down a titan so easily, drawing their attention, and Levi’s in particular, to the other soldiers watching them.  Hange affirms what Erwin had said to Levi earlier, about how his presence there made the others feel safer, when she says “You’ve given them hope that humans don’t have to lose to the titans if we fight correctly.”. And we see here, I think, the first seeds being planted in Levi’s mind that he might be able to do more, that he might be able to actually help these people.  He’s been told as much twice in quick succession.  I think this is where Levi starts to get the idea for the first time that he might have found somewhere where he belongs.  We’ll get more into this next chapter, when I talk about his conversation with Isabel.  But for now, after Hange asks him again if he has any advice, he tells them he just has his own way of doing things, and he can’t teach it to anybody.  When she tries to insist, he blows her off and looks away.  

Furlan asks Levi, after Hange leaves, what the big deal is in just showing them some simple trick, and Levi says he doesn’t want to be responsible for the loves of anyone other than you two.  This is really important, because it again tells us a lot about Levi’s psychology here. He doesn’t want to teach these people how to fight because he doesn’t want to be responsible for them getting hurt or killed.  Just as he expressed discomfort earlier with what Erwin said, and his own sense of guilt over how he figured out how to fight the titan, Levi really seems to me like he’s afraid here of failing to protect others, and actually harbors deep doubts about his own ability to do so.  So even as we know people tend to flock around Levi and follow him in the belief he can protect them, Levi himself is afraid that he isn’t strong enough to help them the way they want him to.  It’s indicative of someone who’s experienced deep loss in their life, which we know Levi has at this point.  Someone who’s afraid of making attachments because he doesn’t want to have to experience the pain of that loss ever again.  And it shows a painful insecurity in Levi.  He wants to help people, but he doesn’t want to end up failing them, or doing something which could lead to them getting hurt or killed.  He doesn’t want to be responsible for their lives, because he’s afraid he can’t be.  

Furlan tells him not to be so dramatic, and Levi doesn’t say anything in return, but we see a resigned, saddened look on his face, like he knows Furlan wouldn’t understand if he tried to explain how he feels.

Then we get Isabel’s comment about not understanding trying to take back the world for humanity, but her starting to realize the Scouts genuinely believe in what they’re doing. We see Levi’s silence again in response, but this one is more contemplative.  He himself is starting to realize the same as Isabel.  That these people really believe in what they’re saying.  And again we go back to the first seeds of a sense of belonging starting to develop in Levi, even before his big moment with Erwin at the end.  He’s starting to sense that maybe he’s found a place where he belongs, where he can actually use his abilities in a way that could make an actual difference in the world. It’s subconscious at this point, but Levi is starting to get that sense I think.

7. Chapter 6: Living Creatures

Okay, onto chapter 6 of “No Regrets”!

So the first thing I want to jump into here is, once again, something which the manga vastly improved on over the visual novel, and that was the scene following the flashback to Levi and his friends learning about the long-distance scouting formation before the expedition, and then Flagon’s instructions to them in the present.  I don’t think this scene was even included in the visual novel, but it’s indispensable in understanding Levi’s mindset going into the fateful final act.

Isabel gets carried away by Flagon’s speech, and ends up saluting, expressing genuine enthusiasm for the SC’s cause, before realizing what she’s done and turning around, seeing Levi and Furlan looking back at her in silence.  Furlan looks unimpressed, while Levi wears his usual stoic expression. You can’t tell one way or the other what he’s thinking, which is why the next scene is so hugely important, because we get a look into his inner thoughts.

I saw another person say not long ago that in this scene, Isabel expresses a desire to join the SC, and Levi blows her off and ignores her, only thinking about his revenge on Erwin, and to that person, I would like to ask ‘What scene were you reading?’, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what happens here.  This scene reveals so much about Levi’s own, inner conflict, and how he’s beginning HIMSELF to understand and even sympathize with the cause of the SC, and the soldiers who have dedicated themselves to it.  Let’s dissect it here a bit.

The scene takes place at night, before they ride out again, and Levi is sitting up with Furlan and Isabel, and he’s thinking quietly to himself.  The first thing he’s recalling in his contemplation here is Sairam’s words, asking Levi if he knows how many elite soldiers have been eaten by Titans. This plainly shows Levi’s growing concern for Furlan and Isabel.  The longer they spend outside the walls, the higher the risk of something going wrong, and that’s a worry that’s heavy on Levi’s mind here.

He then remembers, in quick succession, all these various interactions and the words of different people throughout his short time up here on the surface.  He recalls Sairam hurling insults at him and his friends, calling them punks, and then Hange’s opposite words of encouragement and appreciation, telling them they’ve given everyone hope.  He recalls Furlan’s words, telling Levi that with him there, they’ll really be able to raise hell, and then Isabel’s words, pointing out that the SC soldiers really believe their cause is worth dying for.  Finally, Levi recalls Flagon’s degrading words, about how Levi and his friends have spent their whole lives in a trash heap, implying they’ll never amount to anything more than garbage, and last, he recalls Erwin’s words, how he’d seen the desire to kill in Levi during their first encounter.  

All of this is hugely important to understanding Levi’s psychology, I think, and understanding his feelings of conflict and confusion, and how it ultimately plays into him making the choice he does.  For Sairam’s and Flagon’s words, it’s the assumption people have made about Levi all his life, that he’s nothing but a worthless criminal who can’t do anything good for anyone, and Levi’s struggle to overcome that perception that people have of him.  In contrast to that, Hange’s words are sending Levi the opposite message, that he isn’t just a worthless criminal, but someone who can actually contribute something positive and important to other people’s lives.  He’s someone who can inspire hope.  Something Levi’s always secretly wished he could do.  And then there’s Furlan’s words, serving as a confirmation to Hange’s, in which he expresses his reliance on Levi to help make his own dreams come true, and Levi seeing himself in that role, of taking care of these two people whom he loves.  And there’s Isabel’s words, a clear admiration and astonishment at the realization that these soldiers really believe in a cause bigger than themselves.

We see all of Levi’s greater hopes, his desire and wish to help other people, coming into conflict here with the way he’s been treated all his life by others, as a worthless, good for nothing criminal, and how that treatment has forced him to become the very thing they accuse him of being, someone ready and willing to kill, someone ready to commit crimes, etc…  It’s Levi’s pride and anger battling with his deeper desire to protect and help others. The thing his life and his environment has FORCED him to become, against his truer nature.  This is such a vital, important scene, and once again, the manga succeeds in explaining and revealing Levi’s complexity as a character, whereas the visual novel just flat out butchered it.

Now getting back to Levi’s interaction with Isabel in this scene, and the woeful misinterpretation I saw another person make one time.  

Furlan is talking about how, given the complexity of the formation, they won’t be able to break ranks without being spotted, and he suggests they should just wait until they’re back behind the walls before trying to steal the documents again. Levi points out that if all three of them leave, then yeah, they’ll likely be spotted, and gives no further opinion.  Already, Levi is thinking that maybe he could go after Erwin and the documents alone, thinking of taking the entire burden of the operation on himself, carrying the hopes and dreams of all of them on his shoulders alone, (which is why he later calls himself conceited and proud, having relied on his own strength entirely, instead of his friends too, ending in failure, which in turn goes back to the very beginning, with Levi’s statement about never knowing what the better option is, to rely on oneself, or on their comrades).  But anyway, he doesn’t protest or try to counter Furlan when he says they should just focus on getting back alive.  Isabel expresses agreement, and then says she knows the documents are important, but she also doesn’t want to get in the way of the SC and what they’re trying to do.  Now here’s where the conversation gets really important in, once more, understanding Levi’s psychology.

He and Furlan look over at her, and while Levi stays silent, Furlan gets annoyed, chastising Isabel for seeming to suddenly care about the other soldiers, accusing her of only caring because Hange’s cookies were good.  Furlan clearly doesn’t understand Isabel’s sentiments here, he doesn’t get why she suddenly seems concerned.  He’s still focused on their own goals, and that’s all that matters to him.  But Isabel begins to explain that it’s just that she’s starting to understand why the SC goes out beyond the walls, and likens it to how they felt living in the Underground, wanting to escape to the world above.  She’s saying she understands that sense of being trapped, of being imprisoned, and the longing for freedom.  And then she talks about seeing lots of her friends dying underground, while dreaming of making it “up there.”, and how seeing that made her feel like she HAD to get up there.  It’s like Isabel is saying here that her dream to make it to the surface was strengthened by the dreams of others who never got to realize it for themselves, and that she wanted to make it to the surface, more than anything, as a way of giving the dreams of those who had died without realizing them, meaning.  By making it to the surface FOR THEM.  She starts to try and explain what she means, saying ‘It’s…” before Levi suddenly speaks for the first time since her monologue, saying “It’s like leaving the walls behind to kill the Titans…”

This is such a huge moment. Because contrary to what I saw this one person claim once, Levi is acknowledging Isabel’s feelings, and expressing empathy with them.  He’s telling Isabel here that he understands what she means, because he feels it too. This desire to fight for freedom as a way to give meaning to the suffering of those who couldn’t escape their imprisonment.  Levi, rather than ignoring or blowing Isabel off here, is relating to her.  Her feelings are his own.  Isabel smiles dreamily and says “Yeah.” Because Levi put her thoughts into words.  She then keeps talking to Levi, starting to ramble about what she wants to do when they get to live in the Capital, how fun she thinks it would be to steal from all the “rich pigs” and use their money to buy useless junk, before she falls asleep.

Furlan then kind of bursts this bubble of reverie that Isabel and Levi have fallen into, and what he says here is, again, so important.  He says “I’ve got to revise our plan.  We’ll need to steal the documents before you and she start seriously talking about dedicating your hearts, or whatever.”  Furlan’s perceived how Levi’s own feelings are beginning to match up with Isabel’s, how he’s starting to feel drawn to and sympathetic towards the SC’s cause, and he’s worried, because that’s not what they’re supposed to be there for.  They’re supposed to be there to steal the documents so they can get a chance to live in the Capital.  This is Furlan’s dream, ultimately, and he doesn’t want to lose sight of it to some unrealistic ideal.  What’s so interesting here is the contrast between Levi and Furlan.  While Levi is so quiet and reserved and hard to read, he’s actually showing himself to be more of the dreamer of the two, while Furlan is much more practical and less prone to fanciful, ideal notions like helping people beyond their own means.  

We get one last shot of Levi gazing at Isable, thoughtfully.  He’s still thinking about her words.

Alright, then comes the next big scene, with all of them outside again, to try Erwin’s new formation.  We see, again, Levi’s gradually shifting opinion of Erwin already, when he remarks that Erwin’s idea is “brilliant”, once he sees how it works, expressing genuine admiration for it and Erwin’s mind.  Levi still hates Erwin, and want to kill him, but we already see this desire in him starting to crack and come apart, replaced by an almost astonished curiosity instead.  Like he isn’t sure what Erwin is, but he’s impressed, in spite of himself.  

Then the storm comes and everything starts to fall apart.

Another, massive and vital change here in the manga from the visual novel is Levi’s reaction to the sudden storm.  In the visual novel, Levi’s first and only response to it is that he can use it as cover to go after and kill Erwin, sparing no thought to the safety of his friends, or the other people in his squad.  It was another instance in which I thought Levi’s characterization in the novel was just horribly butchered, and so once again, I was so glad to see them correct it here.  Levi’s first response, after he, Furlan and Isabel start to lose contact with Flagon and the others, is to scream at his friends to not get separated.  He's only worried about them in this moment, and wants to make sure they don’t lose contact with each other.  He isn’t thinking at all about leaving them here yet.  Just this small addition completely changes Levi’s motivations and priorities, leading into the fateful choice, and it’s immeasurably better characterization for him then what was presented in the visual novel.  I’ll get more into it with the next chapter. So until then, thanks again for reading.

8. Chapter 7: Those Three

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter.  I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone.  Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.  

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all.  There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other.  Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it.  That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences.  Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it.  To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought.  It’s just awful characterization.  And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif.  It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control.  It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time.  Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point.  He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides.  Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation.  Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.  

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off.  Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group.  Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon.  Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.”  This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically.  He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own.  He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself.  Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle.  He tells himself “Which is it?  Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him.  He’s agonizing over it.  And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission.  Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is.  To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves.  Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted.  To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives.  He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true.  Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed.  Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true.  And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality.  To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin.  It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him.  If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder.  If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part.  It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes.  And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic.  Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved.  He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself.  It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor.  It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.  

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon.  He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do.  Not kill Erwin.  It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here.  And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him.  In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam.  He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable.  He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can.  He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”.  He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does.  Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up.  He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself.  And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”.  He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief.  Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that?  I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.  

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader.  He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that.  But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual.  He’s bad at expressing himself.  He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest.  He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him.  And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs.  Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even.  He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration.  That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly.  Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine.  I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan.  Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now.  And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him.  Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die.  He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own.  But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends.  He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does.  It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger.  With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die.  If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left.  He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!!  Levi will come back.  Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above.  Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam.  He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.  

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die.  For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone.  How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here.  She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying.  All of this happens in front of Levi.  He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.”  Before screaming out Furlan’s name.  Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay.  This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends.  He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan.  Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.  

9. Chapter 8: Choices

Alright, and now I’ve reached the final chapter of “No Regrets”, so let’s just dive right in!

There really is so much more to unpack from this story than I think people realize.

Firstly, just a few, truly devastating observations I want to talk about.

The first one being how, even after Furlan gets swallowed by the Titan, Levi still believes he can save him. The fact that he cuts the Titan open from the chest down to his sternum, and free’s Furlan’s arm, and the panels which show Levi reaching out for his hand and ripping him from the Titan’s stomach is just… so heartbreaking.  The way too that he gently carry’s him back to the ground and lays him out, only to discover that his entire lower half is gone, and he’s dead, just the level of trauma you know this must be causing Levi is immense, and beyond tragic.  This is one of only two, true friends in his life, and he’s so desperate to have been able to save him, that he clings on to the possibility to the bitter end, until he’s forced to face the bleak reality. Levi’s devastation is really brilliantly depicted in how he wobbles, as if his knees are weak, when he stands back up.

And then of course comes Levi’s rage, and how he takes it out on the Titans, expressing his grief and pain in the only way he knows how, through violence.  

But maybe the most heartbreaking moment here comes once he’s through killing every Titan there, and he starts to stumble away, and his foot comes into contact with Isabel’s severed head. This is, once more, another area in which the manga improved hugely over the visual novel.  

Levi’s reaction here is just… the most heartbreaking thing ever.  The way he stares when he realizes he’s looking at Isabel’s head, and then falls to his knees, his overwhelming grief here is just so beautifully depicted in these panels, as he reaches out a hand to cover her eyes, and then slides them closed, in an attempt to give her some sort of dignity in death.  The way he can’t even look at her, just doubled over in his grief, just killed me to see.  It’s so unspeakably sad, and conveys to us readers the true depth of Levi’s despair, I think.

And then we move on from this horrific grief, to the climactic moment of the story, when Levi and Erwin again come together, and we see Levi’s overwhelming rage.  Again, this entire scene was a massive improvement over the visual novel.  Well, for starters, in the visual novel, they had Levi cut Erwin’s horse down to bring him to the ground, and again, that’s just so out of character.  Luckily, they fixed that here too, with Levi simply leaping up and dragging Erwin off his horse.

These panels really are amazing too is showing Levi’s intense rage, as he warns Mike to back the hell off, and brings his blade to Erwin’s neck.

What’s really interesting here is what Levi says.  

After the struggle of the choice he made, before Furlan and Isabel were killed, after giving so much consideration and choosing based largely on their own dreams and wishes, Levi tells Erwin here “I’m going to kill you, you bastard.  That’s why I’m here.”.  And Erwin responds, after studying Levi a moment, “So they… all died? I see.”.  Erwin gleans here, both from Levi’s words and expression, that his friends have died, and what he says indicates that he knows the only reason Levi hasn’t tried to kill him before now is because Furlan’s and Isabel’s own well being and their own dreams were the only thing holding Levi back.  Levi made no attempt on Erwin’s life before because he was placing Furlan’s and Isabel’s wishes above his own, but now that they’re gone, there’s nothing to keep Levi from acting out his revenge.  

This is also where we get Erwin’s full reveal of just how in control of this entire situation he’s been this whole time, and how he manipulated every player and outcome to his desires.

This really isn’t something I see get discussed a whole lot when talking about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and how it started out.  But, unquestionably, Erwin used Levi and his friends against their consent, to achieve his own ends.  He set the whole thing up, from first spreading rumors about having some sort of evidence against Lovof’s embezzlement, to then spreading the information that he was looking to recruit Levi and his friends from the Underground, thereby giving Lovof the very idea of going to them to obtain his own proof of the evidence’s existence, while simultaneously leading Erwin to the definitive proof he sought by following the messenger Lovof sent and intercepting him.  At the same time, giving Erwin a means of throwing Lovof off by using Levi, Furlan and Isabel for cover.  It really is incredibly impressive, but also heartbreaking, the way Erwin used Levi and his friends to his own ends, but of course, perfectly in character for Erwin too, willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. It begs certain questions though about the equality between Erwin and Levi, at least at the start of their relationship.  Erwin clearly had the control and power in this situation, and though clearly he never meant for Furlan and Isabel to die, still, his decision to rope Levi and them into his plans to catch Lovof and also to gain their strength and skill for the SC, did lead indirectly to their deaths.  Surely, if Erwin had never meddled in their lives, and used them as tools, they would have all still been alive in the Underground.  

But of course, this leads into a really interesting clash, then, between Levi and Erwin, and where we see Erwin win Levi over to his cause.  This is, as is becoming a redundant theme of my analysis here, a giant improvement over the visual novel.  There, it makes it seems as if Levi decides to follow Erwin only because Erwin has something Levi lacks, and until he can figure out what that something is, he won’t be able to “defeat him”, implying that Levi is still somehow obsessed with beating Erwin in some way.  Like he isn’t joining Erwin to fight for his dream of a better world, but because he wants to figure out what Erwin has that he doesn’t, so he can become superior, or whatever.  But here, in the manga, Levi’s reasons for deciding to follow Erwin are much more complex, and tied in with his own personal drive of wanting to help and save others, and into his relationship with Furlan and Isabel.  

Levi tells him “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives!  They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game.  Well, you lose.”, right before he means to take Erwin’s head off.

What’s interesting here is Erwin’s response.  He doesn’t try to deny to Levi that he used Furlan and Isabel and Levi himself as pawns. He doesn’t argue, or try to defend himself on that front.  What he takes issue with is Levi calling the reasons for it a “worthless game”.

Erwin’s entire speech to Levi here really builds off of the feelings Levi had already started to develop, about feeling like he had maybe found a place to belong, where he could maximize the good he could do.  This wasn’t yet a fully formed idea in Levi’s head, up to this point, but the seeds of it had started to form.

Erwin asks Levi who’s responsible for killing his friends.  He asks if it was him, if it was Levi, and then he asks if he really thought that if they had come together to attack Erwin, that they would have made it out alive.  

This is what Levi is beating himself up over, of course.  The belief that he made the wrong decision, in leaving Furlan and Isabel behind, thinking to himself if they hadn’t split up, they would still be alive.  He blames himself for how he came to that decision, and starts to say as much to Erwin here, saying it was his conceit and his pride that was to blame, no doubt thinking of how it was his memory of Erwin and the humiliation he caused Levi that was the final tipping point which decided him in favor of going after Erwin himself, and also how he simply convinced himself that he would be able to shoulder all of the responsibility himself in such a dire situation, remembering how he told Furlan “I can do it by myself!” so insistently, asking him to trust him, to trust essentially in Levi’s strength.  To Levi, in this moment, his own strength must have seemed worthless suddenly, his belief in it leading to nothing but abject failure.   But then Erwin cuts him off and says, emphatically that, no, it was the Titans who killed them, before beginning to talk about how little they know about the Titans, and how if they continue to remain ignorant like that, they’ll never win against them.  He tells Levi to look around himself, and points out how, for as far as the eye can see, there are no walls, and then suggests that, in all that open space, there might be something they can find to free humanity from its despair and imprisonment.  And then he reminds Levi that there are people who want to stop this from this from happening, only concerned with their own profits and losses, content to stay where danger can’t reach them.  He shows sympathy, saying it’s understandable why they feel that way, because they’ve been blinded by the walls for a hundred years, and can’t see past their own survival.

And then he asks Levi if his eyes have remained clouded too.  He’s asking Levi here if he only knows how to live for himself, and if he’ll kill him and return to the Underground to continue to do so, after losing the two people he cared most about in this world.

But of course, Levi’s already learned how to live for people other than himself.  That was his whole reason for coming to the Surface in the first place.  In support and dedication to the hopes and dreams of his friends.  Levi’s eyes HAVEN’T been clouded, he’s already discovered and embraced what it means to give your life for others, already able to see past his own benefit.  

Erwin reminds Levi of that here, and tells him they won’t give up on going outside the walls, before asking Levi to fight with the Survey Corps, telling him “Humanity needs your skill!!”.  He reminds Levi, even after the loss of the two people whom he had been living for up to that point, that he can continue to live for others still, that he can still fight for the hopes and dreams of others, and that he doesn’t have to return to the life of isolation and loneliness and futility that he once lived, that he doesn’t have to return to simply surviving, or fighting only to survive. He’s reminding Levi that his life can mean more than that, just like he realized when he became friends with Isabel and Furlan.  That his life can have purpose, and that, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can do more even than help a few people.  He can, in fact, help all of humanity.  

The following panels show Levi coming to this realization.  He remembers Furlan and Isabel at his sides as they rode out into the open for the first time, into the first, true sense of freedom they had ever known, and their shared awe and wonder at the sight.  And Levi is realizing here, just as he had fought for his friends dreams of freedom, and of a better, more hopeful life, he can continue to fight for the same, only for everybody, for all people.  He can make the most of his abilities, and help the most people, by staying in the SC and fighting at Erwin’s side, fighting for Erwin’s vision of something beyond the walls, of a kind of salvation for humanity.

What Erwin gives Levi here, really, the thing Erwin gives Levi that he before lacked, is a sense of hope. A belief in his own ability to make a meaningful, positive impact on the lives of others.  It’s like Erwin’s own belief in that hope for humanity’s salvation is so strong, that Levi finds himself able to believe in it too, and he decides then and there that, for the sake of that hope, for the sake of the vision of something better, Levi will stay by Erwin’s side.  Because it’s what Levi’s always wanted to do, to fight for the hopes and dreams of others, to fight to make the lives of other people better, and Erwin has shown him the way to do so.  He shows Levi that Furlan and Isabel didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the sake of all human kind, and that’s why Levi is able to let go of his anger towards Erwin and follow him.  And that really feeds into Levi’s need, later on, for every soldier’s death to carry meaning.  If he can believe Furlan and Isabel died for a truly important reason, he can accept it and cope with his grief.  Like Isabel expressed herself before, these people genuinely believe their cause is worth dying for, and Erwin reminds Levi of this again.  

So he forgets his anger and pain, and chooses instead to follow Erwin, and dedicate himself to the cause of humanity’s salvation.  

The final panels of the manga are incredibly moving, with Levi slowing down behind Erwin and Mike, and glancing back one last time to where he lost his two, best friends, before looking away and riding on, as the sun shines through the clouds.  Like one, final acknowledgment of their lives together, and the sacrifice they made, before committing himself fully to his new life ahead.

10. Prologue

Just a small note on the prologue.  It opens up with Furlan and Isabel and Levi sitting beneath the only, real source of sunlight in the Underground, watching the birds in the sky.  Isabel wonders where they’re going, and Furlan answers “Far away... They can fly even beyond the walls.  To Places we couldn’t go eve with those machines.”  Isabel smiles, and says “Got that right!  Just you wait!  I’ll go with you someday.”, while Levi looks up into the sky, silent.  This is only further proof of how Furlan and Isabel both expressed their dream of someday making it on the surface, of achieving freedom from the prison of the Underground, and how Levi would sit and listen to them say things like this.  We see shots of just how grim and harsh the Underground really is here, with people lying passed out and sick in the streets, the pervasive, overwhelming darkness, and just overall depressing atmosphere.  It’s the kind of place that, clearly, robs people of their will to live.  Of any kind of hope.   It’s important to note that Levi himself never expresses any such dream, or desire.  He never voices that he wants to make it to the surface.  This is Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream, their hope, and Levi hears it from them seemingly often.  Probably, because of how hard his life has been, Levi’s never even considered it a real possibility, and so never even entertained the idea of it becoming real.  But for Furlan and Isabel, he was willing to try.  He went to the surface for them, to try and make their dream a reality.  

[the-infamous-coat-of-baron-zemo]

Missed Opportunities | Helmut Zemo x Reader

Here's a little something I cooked up. Not sure what I want to do with it, but it was bugging me to be written. For better or worse.

This is a little Helmut Zemo/Female Reader moment. It has Sam and Bucky too. It's not fully developed, but hopefully you all can enjoy it for what it is.

OOOOO

You were in Germany when you got the call from Sam. He needed help locating the Flag-Smashers, and was hoping you could offer some assistance.

He just happened to call at the perfect time, because as it turns out, the person you went to visit was no longer around. So, since you had essentially made a trip across the ocean for nothing; you figured, why not? Might as well make something of your travels abroad and not make it a total loss.

Sam gave instructions to meet him at a residence in Riga, Latvia. He mentioned very little other than that. Technically though, that wasn't entirely his fault. You're pretty sure he intended to provide more information, but Bucky was shouting, "Hellos.", "You've been missed!", and her personal favorite, an exasperated, "Please save me from my tormentor."

After Bucky's outburst, Sam had seemed to have forgotten about you on the phone; so you were just listening to constant bickering in the background. All you could do was shake your head and laugh at this point. Truly, Earth's greatest defenders were simply children at times.

It was good to hear their laughs. It had been too long and the world was still recovering.

We all were.

Bucky, Sam, and you all disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers, wiping out half the universe. When you all returned, there was love and there was loss all around, but it bonded the three of you in a friendship deeper than any of you could imagine.

Okay, perhaps, that's a slight exaggeration. You became extremely good friends with both James and Sam; however, the two of them are a different story altogether. They won't admit to their friendship, but you know they'll both come around one day. They're just being stubborn idiots. God, she missed those two guys. It's been months since she had laid eyes either one of them.

So, here you are, standing right out front the door Sam gave instructions to meet at.

You fiddled with the arm of the backpack strapped across your chest. You didn't think you'd be this nervous, but a combination of excitement and adrenaline had caused you to be a bit jumpy. You tried to shrug it off as you raised your hand to knock on the door.

Not even 10 seconds after you knocked on the door you heard the shuffle of footsteps, accompanied with the ever present response of, "I got it."

Only the footsteps halted abruptly and muffled discussions were faintly heard through the door. You couldn't make out what was being said, only that no further movement had been made to answer the door.

I swear to God, if they are simply having an argument about who gets to open the door, I am going to murder them both on the spot.

You were about to knock on the door again a bit more insistently, but you never got the chance as the door abruptly swung open to reveal Bucky.

As you stared back at one another, you couldn't help but noticed his tense appearance, which is not all that unusual for him, but it was a more strained posture. You assumed it had something to do with whatever was being talked about just moments prior to answering the door.

It couldn't have been too serious because seconds later he dropped all pretense and gave you a heartfelt smile before sweeping you up in his arms for a hug.

He all but dragged you inside, it only caused you to chuckle at his enthusiasm. Yeah, you had missed him a lot.

The hug continued to linger on, and you could hear the door behind you close. You were about to motion to Bucky to release you from his hold when you heard Sam pipe in highly amused, "Buck, give her some room to breath."

You could feel the glare James was giving Sam, but he did let you go eventually.

Upon the release from your hug, the sleeves of your blue hoodie had drifted past your hands; you pushed them up a bit where you could grab James's hand and squeeze it in silent thanks.

After letting go of Bucky, you turned around to face Sam, shaking your head and grinning at him with delight, "Never a dull moment around here is there?"

"Never," Sam replied. "It's my turn, now," holding his arms out, he smiled pulling you into a softer embrace, but no less enthusiastic.

You huffed out a laugh and hugged him back with equal fervor.

A few moments had passed, and you reluctantly untangled yourself from Sam. More pleasantries had been exchanged and small talk had filled up the space as you walked fully into open living space.

You did a turn about the room as you headed towards the kitchen area with the guys trailing behind you. You had grabbed the strap of your backpack and had lifted it over your head.

You were about to place your stuff on the kitchen island when you heard soft footfalls make their way from the outer hallway towards you.

The unexpected noise caused you to hesitate; you turned your head towards Sam and James with a puzzled expression on your face. You had opened your mouth with the intention to ask them who else was in the safe house with you, when you saw him.

The backpack you were holding had fallen out of your hands and onto the floor with a thud, but you couldn't tear your eyes off the man standing across the room from you now. Your face had gone completely slack jaw and eyes had widen in shock leaving you speechless.

You would normally have said something quippy in this moment, but your brain had stopped functioning.

The silence was finally broken from Sam's response to the situation.

"Okay, I know what this looks like. We can explain him," Sam cautiously said. "Actually, Bucky should be the one to share this story, since it was his idea."

You could hear the words Sam was saying, but they never really registered. You assumed he thought you were shocked because the man who stood in front of you once tore your friends a part. Because he was supposed to be in a prison in Germany. Any other number of reasons could potentially be listed. What Sam didn't realize, was that the man standing before you was the last person you saw before you disintegrated before his eyes, and this was the first time since that chaos you had seen him again.

Other than Sam's calm reply, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Perhaps it was because the same look of shock and awe was reflected on Zemo's face.

You tried to form a response, something, anything to say.

Neither Sam or Bucky knew you used to visit Zemo after he was imprisoned. Whenever you travelled to Germany, you would tell them you had a contact that only agreed to provide information face to face. They never put two and two together, but they also trusted you implicitly; so they had no reason to ever question your motives or who exactly you were going to see. You actually saw Zemo a fair amount of time. More often than not, it was always to learn about the inner workings of Hydra. While they may be diminished in capacity; they still had not been completely eradicated. And you were determined to locate and destroy every remaining Hydra base, and dismantle them once and for all. They took your parents from you, and you were going to make sure they couldn't hurt anyone ever again. So, Zemo had been the obvious choice to help gain as much information as possible in your quest.

So, over the course of 2 years, you had made several trips to see him. You could almost say you were on friendly terms, but mostly, you believed his kindness and willingness to provide information was a benefit to him. To interact with someone on the outside to remind him he's not completely alone in the world.

The last time you saw each other was a day like any other you would come to visit. You'd lean outside his glass cell and just talk. The prison only allotted an hour's visit. So you always had to make your time worth while.

This particular day was colder than usual for the time of year. And being left outside the prison hallway where Zemo's cell was located only caused the draft to further lower the temperature with the concrete walls. You had involuntarily shivered as a cold draft had blasted in from one of hallways. Zemo had taken notice and unzipped his hoodie, passing it off to the guard to hand over to you. In that moment, the realization came that things were no longer black and white between the two of you. When you asked him why, he simply shrugged and said it's what any gentleman should do. His expression had softened though and was no longer outwardly indifferent. You had put on the blue garment and zipped it up; tugging at the sleeves as the hoodie was much larger on your frame than his.

There was only about 30 minutes left of your visit when alarm bells started going off. Zemo had pushed himself against the glass to look down the closest hallway to try and see what was going on. You had tried to remain calm, but when the guard standing nearby had disappeared right in front of you both, you knew something was dreadfully wrong.

With visible panic on your face, you had whispered out the word Thanos to Zemo. You'll never forget what happened next or the expression on his face. There was a hitch in your lungs and a strong tugging sensation drifting through your chest. You stumbled into the glass and fell to your knees in front of Zemo. You had slumped onto your side trying to concentrate on what was happening to you. You peered up at Zemo as he had slid himself down the glass to your level gazing at you in concern. You could hear him shouting for help, but there was no one around. You placed your hand on the glass to get his attention, and only then did you realize, you had tears in your eyes.

He brought his hand up on the other side of the glass and placed it against where yours was. Funny how an instance can change everything between two people. You saw his eyes widen and that's when you noticed the right side of your body started to turn to dust. All you had time to say was, "I'm sorry," before you completely disintegrated before him, leaving him, no doubt, alone once again.

You would have laughed at the expression on his face now if you knew it hadn't been the first time he's seen you since....what happened. But there was nothing really funny about the situation.

You weren't quite sure what to do, but your feet made the decision for you as you slowly made your way to stand directly in front of Zemo.

It's the first time you've stood together without any glass between you both. He's a bit taller than you, but not by miles; you're chin roughly comes up to his shoulder.

You see him swallow as if he's also thinking of something to say, but instead you see him raise his hand up and start to reach out to touch you, but stops before actually doing it. Internally, you make your choice for him and reach up with your hand and grab the one he's left hanging in the air. It's just a light touch, almost as if you're both worried the other might not be real.

Zemo glanced down at you holding onto his hand and back at you briefly. He squeezed your hand gently and then you heard him release a harsh breath before gripping your hand tighter and yanking you into his arms.

You barely had time to think about what was happening before you were enveloped into the most emotional hug you've ever felt.

The reaction was unexpected, but then so were the circumstances you were in, so nothing should really surprise you, but you were. Your arms were slightly hovering over his back, not entirely sure at that moment what you wanted to do, as you were still in shock. But, after a brief pause you brought your arms firmly around his body and hugged Zemo back with just as much care and buried your face in the crook of his shoulder. You heard him mumbling words into the side of your head, but couldn't understand what he was really saying.

Time could have been standing still for the infinite period we were latched onto one another. It wasn't until the clearing of Bucky's throat that jarred us out of the moment. The noise wasn't loud, but the room had been so silent until then; it sounded like a freight train.

Realization must have hit us both at the same time that we weren't alone in the room, and we jumped apart as if lightning had struck us both.

At this point, you were looking at anything in room, but Zemo. You started playing with the ends of your sleeves in nervousness when Sam spoke up in a very slow and deliberate manner, "Would you care to explain to us, what is going on?"

"I thought you were going to have Bucky explain to me, why Zemo's not in prison!" you say back, not ready at all to try and explain things. You still needed to wrap your own head around it, before attempting to share your brief history with Zemo.

"Oh, no doll. This can wait," James answered. You could tell he was not happy, but maybe more confused than anything by how he responded.

Both were assessing Zemo to try and figure out if this is some sort of game to him. Bucky had reached out to grab your arm and pulled you gently away from the criminal mastermind and closer to them to instinctually protect you from him.

You outwardly sighed, knowing there was a long conversation about to happen.

Zemo took a step forward and James took a step back bringing you with him. Sam seemed perturbed over the entire situation, but Zemo spoke up first.

"Is that, what I think it is?" he said. Zemo cocked his head to the side and eyed you with amusement.

You silently shook off the hold Bucky has on you and raise an eyebrow at him to not try that again. You swiveled back to Zemo, placing your hands on your hips. Confusion was written clearly on your face as you answered him back, "Could you be a little less vague?" A small smile graced your face in reply.

Zemo pointed at your midsection and a smug expression appeared on his face.

"I must say, you look quite fetching in my clothes."

You were physically startled by his comment. You had forgotten you were wearing his hoodie. It's why you went to Germany. To return it to him, but when you found out he was no longer there, you realized you were going to have to either keep it permanently or track him down. Sam's call came in before you could make that decision. Fate really is something else.

Your hands grabbed the fabric of the hoodie as you closed your eyes and ducked your head. You could feel the embarrassment threatening to turn your whole face red.

You started to shuffled away knowing an immediate outburst was coming from both of her friends. What Zemo just said, implied so many different things. So, of course Sam and Bucky would start shouting without having any context to the situation of how you acquired a piece of his clothing.

If the floor could have opened up at that moment, you would have appreciated it.

Sam and Bucky were both visibly upset and clearly about to start a fight with Zemo, but thankfully Sam, being the more even tempered of the group, stopped Bucky from doing anything. He had shrugged off Sam and stared at you with hurt on his face.

You exhaled shakily as things started to calm down. You dared to catch a glimpse of Zemo, and of course, out of everyone here, he seemed to thoroughly enjoy causing the chaos he wrought with his sly comment.

If looks could kill, he would have been flayed alive.

"Enough," you said to everyone. It was time to clear the air. "Let's all just take a seat."

You had gotten exasperated by the entire situation and turned to Bucky and Sam, "Do you automatically have to jump to conclusions? Do you not think there is a perfectly logical explanation, somewhere?" You had slapped your hands down by your sides and turned to Zemo. He looked as if he were about to say something, but you cut him off pointing a finger at him.

"And you. Big trouble. Don't even get me started."

As you stared at Zemo; he at least had the decency to appear somewhat contrite at your scolding. You could still tell he was mildly amused about the whole situation.

You saw Sam had taken a seat and started to wave you over to where he and Bucky were.

"Start talking," he said.

"I'm not sure where to start," you answered, pacing back and forth.

"How about the beginning?" Bucky parroted out arms crossed in front of him, he was clearly still a bit defensive.

"The beginning. Right. Sure. I can do that," you stopped to think about how to start, but everything just seemed to be as if you were actually hiding something from them, when you weren't. It just never came up, and The Blip was emotional for everyone.

Truth be told, you would like to avoid this conversation at all costs. For many reasons, some you're not ready to deal with.

Zemo had spoke up while you were deciding how to broach the subject at hand.

"If I may," he spoke.

The three of us had answered him simultaneously, "No!"

Yeah, it was going to be a long day.

OOOOO

[unbridgeabledistances]

hi❣️❣️ so this morning i saw this post by @emsemotional and i haven’t stopped thinking about it!!! so here is a soft & short pre-s11 ficlet about gallavich getting high together <3

--

Sometimes Ian would come home so tired after a long day of work— aching limbs, a buzzing brain too syrup-heavy after lifting boxes and pushing carts and stumbling through idle conversation with middle-aged coworkers—to really think about anything other than pushing one foot in front of the other through the creaky front door, anything other than pulling himself up the stairs with a firm grip on the railing and collapsing face-first onto the bed.

Usually Mickey was already there, sprawled on the bed like a kid at a sleepover, watching some dumb video on his phone, ending a hard day of whatever the fuck Mickey was up to these days since the lockdown started, since Mickey had cloistered himself away within these four walls after the wedding. It was a reaction to the pandemic, sure— but it was maybe also a reaction to the breezed-by attempted shootout of their floral-scented honeymoon suite, a reaction to the world feeling a little more looming and frightening now that Ian and Mickey were married, yes, but so much of the home that Mickey had known before he’d been locked up was gone, replaced by shiny new apartment complexes and organic grocery stores.

Ian wasn’t going to question it— this lockdown shit was hitting him hard too, was grinding down on his hard-fought sense of stability and rhythm and pressing in on his grand notions of work ethic and savings and finding a place, somewhere, for the two of them someday. It seemed like since the wedding, shit in general had only gotten worse and worse— he and Mick were fine, they were existing, but something about a global pandemic stopping the roller coaster on its tracks as it headed up the mountain, leaving them suspended, had torn something irreparable in them both— they weren’t going to go back to that shiny-faced, post-wedding bliss that Ian had wanted to savor forever.

He’d give anything to go back to that time between then and now, between whenever they returned from their honeymoon and whenever he’d developed a now-permanent slouch in his shoulders from long days at a dead end job, and a scruffy five o’clock shadow that he didn’t really have the energy to deal with both when he came home from work and when he crawled out of bed at 5 in the morning before sunrise, shifting out from under Mickey’s hand that always rested with a solid weight on Ian’s chest as he slept. Today, Ian fully expected to turn the corner into their room to that same habitual evening scene—Mickey laying there on his stomach, brows furrowed in the same permanent lingering discontent that they both seemed to be harboring these days, watching a video of some outdated trend blasting at full volume.

Instead, Mickey was seated in the bed, a pillow smushed between his back and the wall, hair ruffled and eyes bleary like he’d just woken up. He was wearing a dark tank top, the neck damp with the summer humidity trapped in the room that could barely escape through the narrow window— and he had a packet of rolling papers in his hand, a grinder beside him on the bed, his eyes drifting up and then back down to his task as Ian entered the room.

“You just get up?” Ian tried to keep his voice measured, tried to bite down any edge of resentment.

Mickey’s eyes flickered up again from where he was silently rolling the blunt in a tight cylinder, then freed a hand to flip Ian off.

“Was fucking napping. Still on my honeymoon, man.”

Ian rolled his eyes, letting out a little puff of air through his nose, but he kept his mouth shut— this was it, the whole crux of their problem these days, that they were both taking this shitshow of a situation very differently. Mickey was allowed to sleep the day away in his grungy threadbare bathrobe if he wanted to— in the same way that Ian was allowed to get up at the crack of dawn and leave him alone at the house all day, was allowed to be up his ass about money and expenses and “financial planning.” The world was burning around them, was tilting off-kilter— and they both had different ways of finding a rope to grab on to, of keeping their feet on solid ground.

Mickey was lifting the paper to his tongue now, then sealing it shut with practiced fingers. Mickey had always been good at rolling blunts—he was always patient and methodical in a way that Ian rarely was with shit like this, shit that felt meaningless and the aesthetics unnecessary. Mickey was still looking downward at the rolled cylinder in his fingertips; maybe because he was focused on his task, or maybe because they were out of practice being around each other since Ian had started his job. He barely made eye contact with Ian as he stretched to grab a lighter off the nightstand and doused the end of the blunt in flames with one fluid movement.

Ian shook off his sneakers, walking over to perch on the edge of the bed and watching as Mickey inhaled deeply and let his head sink back against the wall. Part of Ian, flaring up as a small twinge in his stomach, felt oddly jealous— how could Mickey be so fucking chilled out right now, while so much was uncertain and Ian was working his ass off to keep a roof over all of their heads?

And still. That wasn’t fair. Deep down, Ian knew that.

Mickey finally shifted his gaze upwards after taking another hit, tapping the blunt against the rim of a mug that they kept on the nightstand as an ashtray— and then reaching the smoldering cylinder out to Ian, who was still sitting on the side of the bed like a stranger who’d stumbled into the room. Mickey’s arm reached out— a contrast of rough hands and tattooed knuckles that delicately pinched at the filter, tilted at a practiced angle over the linen blanket.

It struck Ian that this was a peace offering—they’d been so close yet so distant for weeks, sleeping pressed together at night but mostly traveling in their own orbit. This outstretched hand was Mickey wanting to share an experience, a moment in which Ian could breathe—a moment that Ian could let him in rather than putting up walls of demands and stress, looking through Mickey rather than at him as he headed out the door.

And knowing this, Ian reached outwards, fingers fumbling on the paper.

It had been a while since Ian had smoked—the first few weeks of quarantine they’d pretty much been constantly high, alternating between sleeping and smoking and fucking and smoking again. But after a while, the doubts and the demands started lurking in, and the space of their bedroom felt too constricted, too close. Ian had lifted himself out of that space, finding a job and ending their days cocooned in the bedroom together— and Ian hadn’t really let himself deflate since then.

Mickey was content to stay in this comforting space behind closed doors, and Ian let him— Mickey hadn’t had a place like this, a place to lay and get high and watch videos on his phone, for years at this point.

Ian took his first drag, and felt the bitter smoke linger at the back of his throat before blowing it outwards. He let out a dry, sputtery cough, one that started in his throat and seemed to end in his ribcage, making him hack again and again— and Mickey let out a disbelieving laugh, lighter than Ian expected, and reached over for the bottle of tepid Gatorade that was sitting on the nightstand.

“Fuckin’ lightweight, man.”

Now it was Ian’s turn to flip him off, swigging back the Gatorade with tears burning in the corners of his eyes.

Mickey just chuckled again, and plucked the blunt out of Ian’s fingers.

And— fuck. How long had it been since Ian had let himself feel like this, loose-limbed and heavy-headed? He wasn’t even sure if the weed had hit yet, or if it was some Pavlovian response to the act of smoking, of inhaling deep and feeling his belly expand amid the humidity hanging heavy in the room— but instantly Ian felt the trickling in of a pleasant buzzing in his brain, of the warm and floaty release of his clenched shoulderblades, the fuzzy warmth of starry-eyed admiration as he turned his head and watched his husband take another hit, blowing curls of smoke out of his pink mouth in an exhale.

Ian must have been staring for a second too long, eyes lingering on the contours of Mickey’s jawline as the cloud of smoke dissipated in front of him, because Mickey turned and furrowed his brows.

“The fuck’re you looking at?”

Ian just smirked to himself, causing Mickey’s forehead to crease even deeper—but he held out the blunt again, and Ian took it, reaching over to give Mickey’s knee a light squeeze in thanks. It was better this time, breathing the heavy air into his lungs, letting it out with a sigh. He was definitely feeling the actual weed now, the feeling soft as cotton that made everything a little easier, a little lighter.

Mickey was definitely there too, slouching back against the pillows and lazily flicking through his Spotify library to find something to let drift through the room through the tinny speaker of his phone— usually he’d play some sort of weird ass techno music that neither one of them actually listened to, or some sort of mellow pre-made Spotify playlist that Mickey would only stoop to listening to when he was high out of his mind.

It felt like there was a heavy blanket wrapped around Ian’s body—warm and liquid, keeping him weighted on the bed. And without really thinking, he let himself slump down farther on his side, slouching down onto Mickey’s shoulder. At first, Mickey stiffened at the unexpected touch— then Ian felt his shoulderblades relax, his body soften as they laid leg to leg, arm to arm.

Tentatively, Ian fumbled until his fingertips tangled with Mickey’s, until they were slotted just right— the movement felt like it took multiple minutes, like they were suspended and swimming through time.

Mickey peered to look at their clasped hands. “Gay,” he huffed out under his breath before bringing the blunt to his lips again.

Ian snickered, like that was the funniest shit he’d heard in weeks—because honestly, it was. They’d been drifting apart, on separate edges of a jagged faultline— except now Mickey was here, his same grumbling self, and their bodies were pressed together, and they were warm, warm, warm.

Ian buried his face in Mickey’s neck, continuing to laugh until he felt a dull ache in his abdomen. After what could have been an hour for all he knew, Ian finally peered his head up again— Mickey was tracing a pattern up and down his arm, eyes half-open and listening to the music, until he turned to Ian with a bemused expression. “You good?”

“Do you want a snack?”

Mickey rolled his eyes. “You sound like you’re fuckin’ babysitting Franny right now.”

“Well, I want a snack. So I’m gonna go downstairs and get one.”

“M’not fucking getting up, man.”

Ian poked Mickey in his side. “C’mon.”

Begrudgingly, Mickey let Ian pull him up by his elbow, rubbing at his eyes like a sleepy toddler and stubbing out the blunt that was still in his hands, letting it fall into the mug.

They crept down the stairs to the moonlit kitchen— Ian had a fleeting thought that they probably thought they were being stealthier than they were, given how he kept feeling like he was about to stumble over his own feet—and Ian flung open the kitchen cupboard, rifling around for a half-eaten bag of Doritos on the top shelf.

“Stop slamming shit, Franny’s sleeping.”

Ian perched on the edge of counter, Mickey hoisting himself to sit next to him,  and Ian placed the chip bag between them, letting them eat in a comfortable silence. Ian forgot how fucking hungry he always got whenever he was high— he and Lip used to creep down the front staircase after sharing a joint and blowing the smoke out the cracked bedroom window, eating fistfuls of whatever bargain junk food was in the cabinet. Ian felt a sudden softness that this silly childlike ritual, in this home— this belonged to Mickey now, too.

Ian noticed a bit of cheese dust on Mickey’s chin, and he licked at his thumb and smeared it away without thinking. Mickey immediately swatted at his chest, ducking away and bristling like a cat that didn’t want to be pet.

“Stop treating me like a fuckin’ five year old!”

Ian felt his shoulders shake with laughter— one wave, then another, and all of a sudden he was laughing again for no fucking reason at all, laughing because it felt good and warm and spread through his belly. Mickey rolled his eyes; but a grin was cracking through, sloping the corner of his mouth upwards.

“I’m never getting high with you ever again,” Mickey breathed it in a chuckled exhale. “You’re getting too fuckin’ old to handle this shit, your eyes are all red and everything.”

Ian shoved him back in the chest. “I’m not a fucking lightweight.”

“Mhm.”

Ian hopped off the counter, dropping the crumpled Doritos bag back on the shelf and slamming the cabinet shut again with an alarmingly loud whack that resounded through the kitchen and made Ian jump— and this time Mickey was laughing, and Ian was slumping forward against Mickey’s shoulder again, leaving a damp spot on the shoulder of his t-shirt where tears sprang up and spotted.

And then the moonlight softened; Mickey began to run a hand up and down Ian’s back, from sternum to spine to shoulder blades and back again— and Ian was suddenly reaching his hands for Mickey’s hips, reaching through the haze of dark cotton and softness around them. Now it was just blood rushing against blood, sweaty skin pressed together against the cool linoleum of the counter. Ian’s head dipping down, dropping kisses and pulling gentle bites of teeth on skin— Mickey pulling in breaths of air and doing the same, leaving scalding marks with lips that Ian could feel echoing and rattling in his entire body.

They made their way upstairs, wading in the darkness, wading against each other, bodies floating— landing on soft bedsheets, tugging and giving way.