#but I don’t think it fits anymore which is a bit devastating

[captain-mj]

Vampire Part 6

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Content Warning: Implied delusions?? It used to be true but not anymore and that upset Ghost

Soap got to work immediately on Ghost’s new mask. He needed something that would cover the majority of his face while also not bothering his new ears. 

Ghost was lounging on the couch, giant body on display. 

Soap had to bite his lip and look back at the mask that he was working on. Images of those teeth and that mouth around his… 

Anyway. 

His throat hadn’t quite healed. The bruising had faded but there were two holes in his neck that looked like they might scar despite how gentle Ghost had been. His hips had also not healed. They still ached from how hard Ghost had gripped him when he messed up and said the lord’s name. The way Ghost’s nails had sank into him so deep. It had definitely awoken things in him. Now all he could think about was how nice it would be to have those nails holding him down. Sinking into his flesh again. Ghost’s mouth had been cold. Incredibly soft and cold. 

Ghost hummed. “Johnny. How is my mask coming along? I am tired of this.” 

Soap hated this. He didn’t want Ghost to cover his face again. If he could, he’d draw him right now. Take his immense beauty and get it on paper. He wished he could take photos but he knew Ghost, or… Simon… It was such a trip knowing that name, but he would just disappear. Like mirrors, they couldn’t appear in photos. Which was devastating. He wanted so many pictures of them. But he supposed unlike humans, Ghost would never change. He’d always remain the same. No need for something as silly and sentimental as photos. 

“Soap.” Ghost snapped at him. 

“Oh! Sorry, sir. Yeah, it’s coming along.” He held up the mask for him to look at. Like his old one, it had a skull design on it. It would fit more like a medical mask rather than a balaclava but it was the only design Soap could think of that would work. 

Ghost nodded. “I’ll need you to get more bleach. I want to keep my hair blond.”

Soap paused. “I’m sorry. You get your ears. Rip your mask. Get so distraught you don’t eat. But you had time to bleach your hair?”

“Yeah, exactly.” Ghost nodded like that was okay. 

Soap just shook his head, unbelievable. 

“Johnny, I’d like to talk about yesterday.”

“Yes! I’d also like to talk about yesterday.” Johnny turned around to face him. “I have so many questions. Was my blood really that good?” 

Ghost frowned. “I meant you killing someone.” 

Soap got a bit pale. “Thought we were just going to not talk about it.” 

“Who were they?”

“Don’t know. It was on accident. I thought they’d stop at the sunlight not… Not…” 

Ghost nodded. “Good. Senile. If you’re being forced to tell the truth, you can say they ran out into the sun. If there’s any more details, don’t say them. And don’t tell me.” 

Soap nodded. “Understood, sir. Thank you…” 

“Yeah. It’s alright.” He reached over and grabbed his hair, pulling him over. His hand was so big. It made Soap feel very, very small. “And yes. You did taste good.” 

Those intense, dark eyes stared right through him like he was made of glass. Soap should’ve kept his mouth shut. Should’ve just kept it moving. Let the blissful thing that was Ghost’s attention wash over him. 

He did no such thing. Instead, stupidly, he asked a question. 

“What are you going to do about Price?”

Ghost could hardly be described as a fragile person, but Soap watched something snap. His mouth twisted up into a snarl and he tried so hard to seem angry. 

He didn’t though. 

No, Simon just looked heartbreakingly sad. 

“The only reason I don’t tear him limb from limb is because I can’t.”

Soap swallowed. “Is he why you haven’t turned me yet?”

“I just… want to make sure this is something you really, really want. I want it to be special. For you to have a choice.”

Soap nodded and they kept eye contact. It made Ghost speak again. 

“Price was my commander. He talked to me like I was an equal. Discussed plans with me.” 

Soap squeezed his wrist and he felt him tighten the grip in his hair. It started to hurt but he didn’t want to interrupt. 

“I thought he was attractive. The fangs. The way his eyes glowed. I was swayed. An idiot. A stupid fucking human. Walking into the jaws of something I couldn’t understand. I need to make sure that doesn’t happen to you. That when I sink my teeth right here.” He tapped his gloved fingers onto his jugular. “And claim you as mine for eternity. Make myself your sire. That it’s something you’ll never regret.”

Soap wanted him to continue. To keeping talking in that accent that was both ancient and so modern. 

When it was clear that Ghost would not continue, Soap spoke up. “I do. I want this. Want… Want…” You. Want you. He could say it. Nice and easy.

Rodolfo burst through the doors. Ghost released him and he fell. “Rudy. Something wrong.”

“None at all. Just wanted to check on you. Rough few days.” He reached over and ruffled Ghost’s hair. Soap felt green with envy. The way they interacted so easily. He wanted to run his fingers through his hair. Kiss his temples. Feel his cold mouth on his body again. 

Soap looked away. He reached up and grabbed his necklace, toying with it. His old one had been snapped and unusable, so he got a new one. Protection. 

Sometimes, he didn’t want to be protected. But the little cross stayed around his throat all the same. 

Ghost stood up. “I am going outside to the backyard. Tell me if you finish the mask.” He disappeared in a wave of smoke. 

Rudy looked down at Soap, still on the floor and hummed. “Feel better now that you’ve finally been bit?”

“Surprisingly? Yeah, a little.”

“Good. Happy familiar, happy home.” Rudy seemed to have something they wanted to say. His nails, not quite as sharp as Price and Ghost’s but that was due to age and age alone, picked at his pants. He turned abruptly to leave before swiveling back around. 

Soap waited. It worked with Ghost, so why not.

Rudy took a deep breath. “I think you’re… a good… person.”

Soap almost choked. Was this a compliment? Was he being complimented right now?

“You’re nice. Good.” Rodolfo patted him on the head. “What you did, even if it was stupid, was the right thing to do.”

Soap nodded blankly. They were being nice. 

Too nice. 

“Are you guys going to kill me?”

Rodolfo laughed. “No. We’re not going to kill you. Just relax.” He smiled at him. 

Soap’s heart didn’t slow down.

Ghost came back in eventually. “Price managed to seduce our neighbor and I swear if he eats that guy.” He shoved everything off Soap’s bed to sit on it. 

Soap should’ve reprimanded him, Ghost would probably listen, but he found it endearing. He was sketching. Luckily not Ghost. Just some random portraits. But this did give him a perfect opportunity.

“Ghost, sir.”

“Yes?”

“Can I draw you?” 

Ghost paused at that and looked at him. He weighed his options. “I suppose it has been a long time since I’ve seen what I look like…”

“Exactly. May be good to remember, yeah?”

Ghost tapped his fingers against the wood. “I think my last portraits were made at my wedding.” 

Soap had long since learned that Ghost had married a few times over the years, most of his spouses nothing more than political alliances or were ways to cover up what he was. Both admissions were said with so much guilt when Ghost had drank too much drugged blood that Soap felt inclined to believe him. 

“Oh yeah?”

“Price had an artist paint us consummating in a graveyard.”

“Did you… actually consummate… in a graveyard?”

“Yes. I wore the mask though.” 

Soap laughed a little. “Really? Mask on, fucking in a graveyard?”

“Yes. It was fun. I think that was the last time I get married actually. Didn’t mean much, just a little bit of fun.” He tilted his head back, exposing more of his jaw and throat. It made Soap feel funny things in the pit of his stomach. 

Soap focused on getting him on paper. He had the excuse and the permission to stare at him until he gets his fill. He wants to gulp Ghost down until he can only taste him in his mouth. A bitter aftertaste coffee couldn’t mask. 

Instead, he draws him. He makes two portraits. One he can keep, one for Ghost. He’ll pretend the first one had something wrong with it if Ghost sees it. That way he can have it. He could color it later. Make it as close to real life as possible. 

Maybe it was a tad obsessive, but Soap had always liked his things to be his and his only. Ghost couldn’t be one of his things but the portrait could be. All his. 

He spent the rest of the night and a good bit of the morning like this. Ghost taking up his bed, perfectly still. At one point, Soap was pretty sure he had dozed off, eyes closed and no sign of life in him. 

Soap finished the portrait and as soon as his pencil stopped scratching the page, Ghost opened his eyes and held out his hand. He painstakingly ripped out the page for him and handed it to him. 

“You left out my scarring.”

Soap tilted his head. “What?”

“My scars. The…” Ghost made a motion around his mouth to mimic a blade cutting his mouth. It made him think of the Joker weirdly enough. 

“What scars?”

Ghost looked hurt. “That’s not very funny, Soap.”

Soap didn’t understand, but Ghost seemed so upset it made him want to fix it. “I drew you exactly as you are. I didn’t change any details.”

“Yes, you did. You got rid of my scars. I understand if you don’t like them, but you could just admit it.” Ghost hissed at him. Clearly this was hitting some nerve that Soap couldn’t begin to understand. 

“Ghost. You don’t have any scars.” 

Simon swallowed so hard it made an audible click in his throat. “It’s the whole reason I cover up.”

Soap wasn’t sure if vampirism cured scars, but despite their lifestyles, none of the vampires had any, so it made sense. Maybe they just didn’t notice?

Ghost got up and went looking for Alejandro, Soap trailing behind him. He held the portrait up to Alejandro.

“I look like this?”

“Your hair is a little fluffier, but yeah. That’s how you look.” 

Soap thought Ghost was going to have a meltdown. 

“I look like this? Exactly like this? I have no scars?”

“No? As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never been scarred up.” Alejandro looked confused. 

Simon started to scratch at his arm, clearly going through a lot right now. 

Soap made a decision right then and there. He was going to keep Ghost from having to deal with anything else for a bit. It wouldn’t be too hard to convince him to just relax at home for a little while. Just as long as no one brought any more news. 

Price burst into the room. 

“Guys. I’m getting married!!”

[thefirstlioveyou]

cw body image issues regarding weight

-

lately i’ve been seeing a lot of posts about the trope where a character gains weight after traumatic events as a form of healing and i kept thinking about byler post s5

when everything finally blows over and will is no longer being tormented by any supernatural entity, he finally gets into a relationship with mike. he’s happier than he’s ever been. although he stumbles from time to time with his trauma, he’s still becoming more and more comfortable. he’s eating a bit more from all the dates with mike and just overall, which leads to a bit of weight gain.

he notices clothes don’t fit like they used to and it leaves him devasted. he even cancels a date with mike because he’s too ashamed to let mike see him. he thinks about how mike probably feels about it, if he’s even noticed yet. maybe mike won’t find him attractive anymore once he does notice. he might even leave him

a few days after the cancelled date, mike drives to the byers house to see will out of the blue. will struggles to bring up his weight but he eventually bottles enough courage to ask if he still finds him attractive. mike finds this question ridiculous! to nobody’s surprise, his weight changes nothing about how he feels about him. he’s actually quite a fan of his tummy and how soft it is.

mike makes sure will understands how beautiful he is and how he always will be. he tells will how amazing it is that he gets to see will happier and eating well, how his love is one of the reasons why.

will learns to love his body just as much mike does :)

[flowersandbigteeth]

Hi! I recently read everything you have on Hugo and I adore both him and your writing style so much! All the characters in your writing feel so vivid!

You mentioned in a headcanon post that when they were younger Hugo thought the reader was annoying since he couldn’t drink or hit on girls when they’re around

Since it discovered this information my brain keeps making me think about the reader overhearing Hugo complaining to his friends about them so I just wanted your opinion on what you think would happen to calm my brain down because I seriously cannot get my head to stop making up many many angsty scenarios about this!!! Especially when I’m about to go to sleep!

Thank you so much for all the hard work you put into your stories and sorry for the long ask, have a great day/night!

I hope this helps you get some sleep, lol!

You were walking around Hugo’s house to the backyard and you overheard him talking to some of his friends, you stop just around the corner when you hear your name mentioned

They were complaining that he never hangs out with them anymore and when he does it’s always with you, a dumb kid, in their words, so they can’t have any fun

Hugo wanting to fit in complains that you are impossible to shake off, just a dumb kid that won’t leave him alone

Of course, you are devastated and run back home, rushing past your parents to your bedroom to collapse into tears 

A few days go by and you still don’t feel better. Food doesn’t taste good, you don’t want to watch cartoons, or play with your dolls. You feel like a dumb baby and wish you could be more grown up

At first Hugo enjoys spending a day with his friends without you, he feels like he can be a real teenager, but after a few days he starts to worry where you’ve been.

He knows your parents aren’t the best (sometimes they forget to feed you and often leave you home alone, even though you are too young to be without a babysitter) and worries you’ve gotten into trouble or something has happened to you. When he goes out with his friends all he can think about is you and what might be wrong 

Finally, he can’t hold down his worry and heads over to your house to check on you

Your parents are very anti-were people so they send him away, telling him to leave you alone, which only makes him worry even more

He ends up seeing you at the little park down the street, you’re swinging on a swing set, but just kind of drifting back and forth, not really enthusiastic about it

When you first see him approaching you immediately jump off the swing and run to hide in the play set, curling up in one of the little hidey-holes 

Hugo is confused because normally you are thrilled to see him, so he wonders what’s changed and a bolt of dread shoots down his spine, thinking you’ve grown out of him and don’t like him anymore

He follows you over and peeks in, but you turn your back to him, which only makes him feel more worried

He asks you if you are trying to play hide and seek with him and when you just shake your head and start crying a bit, he knows something is wrong, so he reaches in and fishes you out, sitting you on his lap

He tries to bribe you with ice cream, but you aren’t having it and just continue to cry on his lap, so not sure what else to do he hugs you really tight and pats your head 

He ends up begging you to tell him what’s wrong, asking you if it was something your parents did or someone bullying you at school 

You are so embarrassed and overcome with sadness you don’t know what to say and instead snap at him that he’s a big meanie and you’re not friends anymore before dissolving back into tears

Of course he’s very upset by this, because he can’t imagine what he could have done to make you angry with him

He promises you if you just tell him what’s wrong he’ll fix it for you and with a lot of coaxing he manages to get out of you that you think he thinks you’re a baby and you wish you were grown up (in your mind teenager is very grown up) so he will want to play with you 

He’s not sure where this is all coming from, but he tries to assure you that he likes playing with you and he missed you when you were avoiding him

You argue back that that’s not what he told his grown up friends and suddenly he realizes that you overheard him talking with them and feels horrible

He’s not sure how to fix it, but to make you feel better, and because it is mostly true, he promises you that you are his best friend and he was stupid for saying those things. He tells you sometimes grown ups say things they don’t mean and don’t really believe when they are trying to fit in. 

You’re still skeptical, but you stop crying at least and ask him if he wishes you were grown up

He tells you he likes that you are little because he can do this…he stands up and tosses you up in the air and catches you again, before spinning you around in circles by your arms, until you can’t hold in your giggles any longer and he’s put a big smile on your face. 

When he puts you down again he wipes the tears and snot off of your face with his shirt and tells you the two of you can hang out together all day, with no one else, and do whatever you want to do to make up for it 

You decide to extort him for ice cream and make him chase down the ice cream truck and buy you whatever you want. You end up eating ice creams together on the curb, while you tell him about things that would be important to a little kid (stuff you learned at school, what’s happening with your favorite cartoon, etc.) until it gets dark and you get full and sleepy. 

Since your parents aren’t home (they usually spend their evenings at bars and you’ve come over to his house many times, hungry when they neglected you) he lets you fall asleep in his arms and he carries you home and tucks you into bed (He knows where your parents hide the spare key under a potted plant). 

After that he never lets his friends talk bad about you again and comes to the realization that he cares more about what you think of him than what they think of him.

[ryuichirou]

Seeing that you have TreyRiddle in your "ships we love" list makes me so happy! thank you for appreciating them and for the beautiful art! (rare treyriddle fan). It's canon that Trey is overprotective of Riddle, but do you think he could go a little yandere for him? I like the idea of Trey being this person who doesn't like meddling into others' businesses or standing out, but everything changes when it comes to Riddle. What if he one day decides to stand up against his mom? (I'd love this to happen in the main story!!)

Also Trey going full bananas during sex and in a spur of the moment, he marks Riddle to the point that poor boy has to wear make up or a concealment spell to cover the hickeys lol

Sorry for replying so late, Anon! And thank you for enjoying our stuff <3 I’m glad to hear you like TreyRiddle.

You know, ironically we did discuss that exact theme right before getting your ask! (We also talked about this trope a liiiittle bit a couple of months ago)

We really like the idea of unhinged Trey! His protectiveness of Riddle really isn’t always the healthiest, so he fits the yandere trope very nicely, despite usually being a very pleasant and nice guy. But this is what makes it better – he is such a nice guy you wouldn’t expect anything bad from him (well if you’re not Rook or Idia who sussed him out lol). Trey is nice, but there is one thing that he hates – when someone makes Riddle upset. And there is one person who upsets him constantly.

The thing that we discussed is that it’s surprisingly easy to imagine a scenario in which Trey just… kills Riddle’s mother at some point. Of course, he would do it secretly, and he wouldn’t have any problems with hiding her body because he learned some helpful lifehacks at the science club about certain properties of certain acids. Of course, Riddle would be absolutely devastated, so he would support him, say that they just don’t know where his mother is, maybe she got lost, maybe she went somewhere and forgot to tell anyone; he would tell him all kinds of lame excuses while hugging him tight at saying that it’s okay and that he’s here. Very manipulative of him, but hey, at least no one ruins Riddle’s life anymore! So it’s for the best.

…that definitely won’t happen in the main story lol but even if we take a less drastic scenario, he could still spook and threaten her. Or maybe poison her so she can’t speak anymore. I’m pretty sure that even if Trey ends up not doing anything, he would definitely fantasize think about it.

Ahem. That got kind of dark huh!

To comment on another idea of yours about Trey leaving a lot of marks on Riddle, yeah this is definitely going to happen the moment Trey gets too horny to be careful with Riddle lol But I think Riddle doesn’t like to be babied in bed, so he would be glad that Trey is doing whatever he wants. But when he sees himself in a mirror the next morning, he’ll absolutely freak out. It’ll look much scarier and more intense than he thought….

[frankenruth]

What I would do as : Jane Doe !

-Karnak’s Dream of Life is a behind-the-curtain headless illusion (think Station RTC)

-Getting really up into the choirs faces during her entrance, then (not as close, but still up in there) to the audience for the “Why?”s

-“Do you want to know what really freaks me out” *once again gets reeeally up into Constance’s face and starts to untie the bow around her neck - Constance smacks her hand down immediately*

-“Sometimes so jealous he EATS the children” *quickly and aggressively squeezes/hugs the doll*

-“I find that idea terrifying!” *as if genuinely terrified*

-*makes hands kiss like little hand puppets after “i liked the part where the two boys kissed”*

-*excitedly pulls down lever and is devastated when she hears “jane doe” - and it doesn’t make her any happier when she doesn’t even get a tiny bit of info about her past*

-Walking through the audience in the first half if her song (like what 2015 did in the second half), leans over to a few audience members as if asking them the questions that are in the song - obvi not as close as she got with a choir but rather a head turn and a slight tilt

-Second half she’s being chased by the choir with funhouse mirrors (on stage not in the audience anymore)

-“Isn’t there anyone to-“ *trips and falls* “tell me who I am?!” *starts clawing at the side of Karnak’s box*

-Very surprised that they threw a birthday party just for her (like Station RTC) (her TNBS costume is a tiara and a cat blanket cape)

-“Happy birthday dear-“ *face lights up* “Hmmm-mm…” *looks down and starts sniffling*

-This one would kinda fit into a me-as-Ocean post but I don’t think I’m gonna make one of those so I’ll add it here ; *whisper-shouting* oh! oh shoot she’s crying uh uhm.. Ricky! *shoves him towards wherever the accordion is*

-The New Birthday Song does not cheer her up unfortunately, but they do however light the cupcake candle and clap for her when she blows it out (she is still very, very sad)

-Ricky offers the Savannah name while still thinking of one, so he says it like “Suuuuuh.. vannah!” - she thinks this is how it’s supposed to be pronounced and says it like that both times

-The little arm-lever thing like in McCarter

-Ricky tried to high-five her but instead gets it returned by the dolls hand instead of hers

-Gives Constance her tiara for Sugar Cloud

-Very reluctant about being brought back (ily cjt rtc)

-Gives Constance a big ol hug before leaving (which she hesitated about at first, but Constance actually started the hug so)

-Also gives Constance her doll. For good measure.

-“Her name..” *head swings over very excitedly* “Is Penny Lamb” *starts smiling - which is super confusing and new to her and she touches her face super surprised*

-Final wave goodbye to everyone, wipes a tear and is very confused at what it is. perhaps.

-Seen at the very end skipping and spinning and dancing around while holding her doll by the hands (now both with their heads)

[i-did-not-mean-to]

Can I get a treat with hedgehog Curumo (and Aiwendil too, if you like)?🧡

👻Treat👻

We're really in it now, aren't we? @cilil has requested a treat!!!!

It's my honour and pleasure, of course, to supply this!

Here are 920 words of sweetness (and a bit of sad, for spice)

Warnings: there are insects in this story. Also Curumo is a hedgehog...ask Cílil lol

<3

Curumo was literally and figuratively speechless once more—the indignity of being confined to the puny body of a hedgehog was too much to bear for someone as proud as he was, but to be pushed away gently but resolutely from the big, orange treat Aiwendil was attacking enthusiastically with a small, sharp knife was a new, utterly devastating low, nevertheless.

“You’ll be sick, you dummy,” Aiwendil cooed softly and lifted his most beloved into his cupped hand to bring him to the level of his disgustingly indulgent, warm eyes. “And I don’t want you to be unhappy tonight.”

Sniffling expressively to make sure his vexation was noticed, Curumo rolled up with a huff while pointedly facing away from that loving gaze. It was unbearable—this whole ordeal was so humiliating!

“Don’t be like that, love,” Aiwendil pleaded. “I promise that I have not forgotten you.”

Despite being piqued himself, Curumo was nevertheless careful not to hurt Aiwendil’s tender palm with his spiky dismay.

Come to think of it, his present form might have been well-chosen after all, he had to admit—he had ever been a thorny fellow who had inadvertently harmed those who had had his back out of sheer misery and misplaced pride.

Throwing one suspicious look over what had once been his shoulder—his current, laughably round shape did not really allow for such anatomical distinctions anymore—he gave an inquisitive squeak, confident that Aiwendil would go on blabbering merrily even though Curumo was patently unable to answer.

“You’ll see,” Aiwendil chuckled. “Now, would you please let me finish carving the pumpkin without throwing another hissy fit? The sooner I’m done with this, the faster you’ll get your surprise.”

Curumo vaguely remembered that there had been a celebration on this night, but his memories of his previous life were slowly fading—drifting in and out of focus—and he was convinced that this festivity had never been of much importance anyway.

While humming an old song, learned at the feet of Yavanna, The Bountiful, Aiwendil carefully placed Curumo on a richly embroidered cushion and took up his blade again.

A pleasant, companionable silence fell around them as the beautiful, ever-youthful Maia reverentially modified the fruit of his Lady’s labour to take on a more celebratory appearance and his eternal friend dozed in the fragrant heat of their little hut.

Aiwendil went by another name now, and he had taken on the guise of a gnarled, old man, but—just beyond the thin veneer of a skin-deep glamour—he was still overwhelmingly beautiful.

Blinking sleepily, Curumo glimpsed the shimmering emanation of Aiwendil’s very essence—soft, gentle, and boundlessly generous—and his acute dejection subsided.

“There we go,” Aiwendil exclaimed, holding aloft his slightly wonky craft, and beamed at Curumo with the same carefree, earnest joy with which he had won that cold, careful heart many ages ago. “What do you think, darling?”

Drumming his tiny paws against the pillow and wrinkling his snout in a heartfelt but ultimately failed attempt to emulate a genuine smile, Curumo did his best to convey approval and delight.

Of course, he recognised Olórin—meddlesome fool and annoying know-it-all that he was—in the blank spaces Aiwendil had cut out from the firm, plump flesh of the pumpkin.

A strange sense of wicked contentment washed through Curumo’s armoured little body then—he was a hedgehog, and Olórin was a gourd, and as such, they were both beloved by Aiwendil.

How could he truly resent an incarnation that had been inspired by the faithful, unwavering devotion of one so pure and loyal?

Nevertheless, he soon grew impatient—he had seen quite enough of Olórin in his former life, and he had no desire to stare at the old jester for any extended period of time, not even when his likeness was wonkily imprinted on a bulbous squash.

Consequently, he slid off his cushy throne and pretended to go after the accursed holiday decoration with renewed vigour.

“Ah! Don’t be so impatient, friend,” Aiwendil laughed, but he picked up Curumo once more and swiftly carried him to the shed in the garden.

“Here,” he said. “Have at it.”

Sniffing and squeaking faintly in confusion, Curumo thoroughly took in the maze of dry straw and discarded vegetable refuse before turning to Aiwendil, seeking his aid.

“There are delicious worms, beetles, and caterpillars in there,” Aiwendil whispered and gave Curumo’s butt an encouraging pat. “Go ahead! I’ll be right here if you need me.”

Even kneeling on the damp, hard floor, Aiwendil towered over the small labyrinth he had clandestinely built, and Curumo narrowed his beady eyes at him in frustration.

Nevertheless, the thought of juicy treats made his mouth water, and so he carefully started his path, guided by the small sounds of cheering and pride coming from far above the ephemeral walls.

When he finally arrived at the centre, he found a beautiful goblet—akin to the tableware he had once possessed himself—which was filled to the brim with crawling, writhing deliciousness.

“Quite topical,” Aiwendil giggled and, pulling out his own flask from a hidden pocket in his coat, he touched it to Curumo’s chalice.

It was an absurd, profoundly sad, but also undeniably sincere toast to a love that had lasted through ages, spanned continents and worlds, and even defied death and disintegration.

“To us,” the wizened man said to his pet hedgehog. “To all that we are, to all that we seem, and to all that we shall be once more.”

Thank you so very much for another chance to write these 2!

You're the very best!!!!

-> Masterlist for October!

[ewingstan]

Finished Twig

Alright, some thoughts. Whew.

This will be mostly on the epilogues, because that’s what I have on my mind and that’s what I have the most to say about. But I have a lot to say on the whole thing, so please ask me anything about the story, its end, and its characters, because I’d love the chance to put my thoughts down. I know I have some character asks I need to get to, feel free to keep sending those in. 

I feel confident in saying I love at least three of the epilogues. There’s a triptych in Red, Shirley, and Emily’s stories about finding a way to live in a wasteland world. The devastated, lonely woman in the devastated, lonely landscape, wondering what they were even fighting for after so much was lost, and finding the bit of green that answers her. Shirely and Pierre getting their swansong scenes, flexing the problem-solving muscle they’ve built up as Sy and Jessie’s go-to competent people, showing that it will be difficult for the old order of things to reestablish itself. Emily getting to live and to love and to be loved, to rub impropriety in propriety’s personified faces, to start living the type of life we’d all hope to be living if Twig’s technology was made available (that is, taking full advantage of body modification with our partners and then going at it like rabbits).

I am not sure at how I feel at the proposed ending Sy- sorry, Simon- gives the king. It fits with the world that Sy wanted when he was discussing that with Jamie and Helen, way back when. Constant conflict, no room for stagnation. But I worry about how much of a break from the order of things it will truly be. Was the problem really that the academies were stagnant? A lack of challenges wasn’t what led to the use of their population as experiment-fodder. Conflict would only make them less likely to hold back, as we saw since the start of civil war breaking out in the Crown States.

But maybe I’m being too short-sighted on this, and should be paying more attention to the promised end-state. Maybe the stagnation being prevented was the slate-wiping the Infante and his ilk seemed to desire, the plan to choke the world and come back in a few centuries to repopulate it with loyal lab-grown subjects. By contrast, the endstate Simon promises has the Nobles killed, the academies curtailed. The world not choked by power wedded to control. Red, Shirley and Emily’s chapters becoming prophesies, an example of what could come in a world where people don’t need to fear idle lesser nobles making their towns into play-places, or the academy forcing itself to be necessary for everyone’s survival.

I don’t know. Perhaps it’s all just the framing of things that was needed to convince Adam (which yes, I do love the full-circle detail of the king being fucking Frankenstein’s Monster, absolutely terrific as the final tidbit of worldbuilding we get). Or maybe I’m wrong to try and find something resembling a happy ending resulting from this plan. Lord Simon’s narration certainly seemed to suggest that he had left all semblances of morality to his past self. But I don’t really think Simon should be considered separate from Sy. This was a story about growing up. “The poisonous child wasn’t a child anymore.” “Lambs grow up, and then they aren’t lambs anymore.” Simon is Sy, grown up, in the most circuitous way possible but the only way his fucked-up psyche could really allow. His conversation with Duncan confirmed it for me: what if I’m different from the person I was, when I became attached to these people? What if I’m just putting in new hooks? Simon framed it in his head as manipulation, because that’s what he is, but really that just describes any group that stays together over time. No one stays the same, and if we stay together its because we’ve found things to like in the people we’ve become.

At the end of things, all Simon’s done is given himself the biggest bug-box to shake yet, with his friends at his side grown into Nobles and Doctors. Crown and academy wedded together in a way the originals couldn’t be. I can see why Lord King Adam took the deal—sure, he’s at the head, but its of a beast he can’t even really steer at this point. Like professor Lawrence seeing the Infante as something he needed to flow with until he was given a good argument for taking a fucking harpoon gun to the bastard, Adam helms a system whose momentum seems predestined to take it to a place no one would actually want, but whose avoidance would mean the Crown and Academy giving up power and control. The Lambs are offering to force that avoidance for him.

Alright this got a bit meandering. Final thoughts: I still think this is the best of the three wildbow works I’ve read so far. Worm finished stronger for me, but then, Worm had one of the best endings I’ve gotten the pleasure of experiencing in any medium. I might prefer being in the headspace of Taylor over Sy, at least marginally. But the character interactions, the worldbuilding, the struggle with how to have meaningful relationships when you’re a perfect manipulator, the fact that we get to see such a large cast change and mature— its truly amazing writing. Thanks, WB. This one has been a ride.

...

Now, do I have the willpower to go even a day before starting the Glow-worm chapters?

[grapesodatozier]

mike wheeler trying on nancy's dresses thoughts feat supportive big sister nancy and her supportive gf robin <3 (warning for time period typical homophobia)

nancy would let mike borrow her dresses when he was little. she also taught him makeup, which he had a lot of fun with, but he liked the dresses better bc they took less work and the makeup sometimes lingered in a way that made him self conscious and anxious. but he loved wearing the dresses, and nancy would sometimes get mad bc sometimes he’d spill syrup on them or break the zipper so she’d stop letting him borrow them for a bit, but then he’d pester her until she gave in and let him try them on again.

until one day, when mike is about 10 or 11, he stops asking. nancy sees him looking at her dresses when she wears them, an almost sad look in his eyes, but he doesn’t ask.

so nancy asks! she says he needs him to model a dress for her bc she can’t see how the back looks in the mirror. and mike is 11-12 now and so of course he bitches to try to hide what he’s feeling, all like “fuck off nancy I’m not a dress up doll leave me alone!!” and she’s like “stop being a baby just help me!!” and eventually offers him some quarters for the arcade or to help out with his next dnd campaign, so he caves. and he still pretends to be annoyed, but nancy can see him smiling softly in the mirror.

eventually nancy gets tired of giving mike cash and favors so she sits him down for a sibling heart to heart and basically says absolutely fuck anyone who makes you feel like you can’t dress the way you want, you look great.

so mike starts asking again.

but then he hits his growth spurt.

the first time he realizes her dresses don’t fit him anymore, he doesn’t cry in front of nancy, but she can hear from outside his bedroom door that that’s what happens after.

she’s devastated, but what can she do? they’re both just resigned and sad about it, nancy stewing and trying to plot a solution, when robin buckley falls so clumsily and perfectly into nancy’s life, all 5’9 of her. almost exactly as tall as mike.

of course, while nancy loves making a plan and executing it, this one's a little more delicate. she really likes robin, but she knows this is mike's call. she can't even be sure, as cool as robin seems, that she'd be cool about it all. she's almost positive, but she doesn't depend on almosts or maybes when it comes to her little siblings' safety.

she feels damn near 100% though a few days after robin kisses her for the first time, when she's finally regathered her wits and her head has mostly stopped spinning.

plus, she knows robin cares about the kids, mike included. she knows robin knows, what they've all been through. robin gets it. nancy has seen robin put herself on the frontlines. robin and mike may press each other's buttons, but nancy knows robin wants to keep mike and all his friends safe.

she asks mike first if he'd be comfortable asking robin to go dress shopping with them.

"what?" he asks, face bright red. "i don't... that's nice, nancy, but i don't need my own... and why robin?"

nancy explains, in so many words, that robin is the only person they know who's mike's height who can try dresses on in public safely.

it takes him a minute, and his lips are still pressed together so hard they're almost turning white, but he agrees.

and so does robin, happily! she makes lots of weird, awkward jokes, and she still teases mike, but never about the dresses, only in the normal way. it makes mike... comfortable. helps him breathe easier.

cue: montage of robin trying on dresses mike wants, mike critiquing them, jokes about how robin thinks they'll fit mike bc she's suffocating on her own boobs they're so tight around her chest. and she and mike joke on each other a lot, mike acting annoyed or like an annoying little sibling, but robin and nancy can both see the soft smiles on his face, and the wistful looks in his eyes, and nancy is so grateful for them both, and robin is so happy she gets to be a part of this. and mike goes home with a few dresses he'll spend nights and nights trying on and twirling around in, smiling that soft, thrilled smile at himself in the mirror.

[actualsunflower]

I never really talked about my surgery besides posting my ‘I lived bitch’ post on some of my sm after my surgery. I guess I’m a bit more ready to talk about it now though. It’s long so it’s under the cut. I’m feeling emotional

tw for talk of suicide and self harm also

Coming up to my surgery was terrifying. My depression got so bad, so fast, so intensely especially up to the last few months. I was working full time hours, doing commissions on top, saving 600 or more from each of my $800 checks, all the while barely getting sleep and not making enough to pay for everything I needed. My pets both ended up needing expensive vet trips which bit into my savings. I wasn’t getting much traction with my posts because everyone on tumblr and discord hated me. I have almost no friends, I wasn’t active on social media, I had lost the huge support group I was with before this. I was so depressed I can’t even remember the year. I remember bits a pieces, I remember sobbing every time my roommate an I tried to leave the house because of my chest and the binder and the way my clothes fit, I remember being so embarrassed by my body AND the crying over it in a household that isn’t supportive at all. I remember being so suicidal that I’d take walks by myself and watch the train and the cars with an empty mind and a numb body wishing I had the strength to jump in front of them. I remember staying awake unable to sleep, falling asleep on calls at work from my exhaustion. I remember each month that went by it got worse and worse. I december, I started cutting again with whatever I could find, I would break wine glasses and use bent bottle caps, I don’t even know if it hurt more because I couldn’t feel it. It was easy to play off because of my iguana's claws. I would call place after place trying get somewhere to write me a psych letter saying I was clear to get surgery because of my diagnosed schizophrenia, but nowhere in town or out would help. It wasn’t until the week before my surgery that I FINALLY found someone who went out if their way on their day off to write me that letter. I wanted to feel relief but I still didn’t have a ride yet, I still didn’t have all the funds. I was close but not close enough. My tax return would cover the rest, and my caretaker and I were splitting the cost of travel and the hotel. My tax return didn’t come. I felt sick every day waiting. I had a horrible panic attack one morning after another failed call to get a letter and my roommate had to hold me until I fell asleep on the couch during our work hours and went back to work when I woke up saying my power went out. Then the week came and something incredible happened. Someone messaged me asking how much I still needed. From all my work and savings I still needed over 1k. They helped me with this. I had the letters, after lots of fighting with people in the house we finally got a ride, this I had thought was all I needed. I couldn’t even believe it. I thought they were lying and I felt so sick. I cried so hard. I’m so grateful and I think about it every single day and I’m not exaggerating. I promised to pay them back and as soon as I was working again I did, and I’m still working on some art for them too though I feel bad it’s been taking so long. The day finally came to leave. My pcp had written a psychical health approval and we faxed it over, but on the MORNING we were in the car, on the road about to get on the highway I got a call from my dr. saying she won’t actual clear me anymore until I got more bloodwork. We quickly went and got my blood drawn before getting back on the road to Seattle from southern Oregon. I got a call just outside Salem. My bloodwork came back saying I had a potassium deficiency and she wouldn’t clear me anymore for surgery. My ENTIRE surgery was paid in full, our hotel rooms were paid in full, my surgery was in 2 days. I was devastated and horrified, we called my surgeon’s office and my dr over and over, we stopped in salem and I picked up a prescription they called in and I bought a ton of food and drinks in the car that had a lot of potassium and I ate and drank nothing else for the next 2 days, she told me check again once we get to Seattle after taking it 2 twice a day. We went on through portland and vancouver, Ive been there enough times but I’m always in awe of the big buildings and intricate paintings and bridges. We stopped close to tacoma at some tiny little town to go to the bathroom, I bought some potassium drink that I chugged in the car. I can’t remember what it tastes like but I do remember seeing some crows chasing a raven while I was standing outside the car. Tacoma was scary. It looks gross, there was some big ass dome? The buildings were ugly and the highways were terrifying. I saw a ferrero rocher museum when we got stuck in the wrong lane and had to figure out how to get back on the highway. I saw multiple bald eagles, they were awesome, I love birds a lot. We made it to Seattle, it was gorgeous. I didn’t know the space needle was orange. Before we got into Seattle, we went past the SeaTac airport. It was terrifying. I had NEVER seen airplanes that big in my entire life. They don’t even look like theyre MOVING when they’re in the sky, it was the absolute strangest experience in my entire life, and still is. i live literally right next to an airport at home, and the biggest thing I’ve seen is when the Ospreys occasionally stop in, other wise it’s tiny little planes, shipping companies and Reach helicopters. Those passenger planes are SO MUCH BIGGER than Ospreys. We went into tunnels, huge overpasses, it was weird. Seattle is covered in plants, walls were covered in ivy and it dangled from overpasses, it was really awesome. Though the landscape, it’s all identical to oregon. It didn’t even feel like we left the state. That night after getting settled into the hotel, we had some issues with a super dirty room with no working electric so we had to get another room which thankfully they didn’t charge more for, we went to some stores for supplies we couldn’t fit in the prius. I brought Nick with me for comfort and my paras plush. I went to a world market for the first time in my entire life. I bought some lavender honey from Spain, and that exact mushroom mug you always see all over the internet from there and a cute Toro toy from target. I felt so horrible. I was going to kill myself the next morning I kept thinking. I was so sure. I felt delighted that I was going to. I was so, so sure I was going to. I was going to take a walk because our hotel was in a little area with a barnes and noble, a few other stores. I was just going to walk off and ‘get lost’. But I was just a bit happy that I finally got to see Seattle and the airport, see something things I’d never seen before and gone farther away from home I’d ever been. We went to bed, it was hard and uncomfortable but my meds knock me out anyway. In the morning, we struggled to find a place to even get bloodwork done in Lynwood, we didn’t know where to go and it was hard to find a place even after calling very place that came up when google searching. That morning, I took twice the amount of potassium I was told because I wanted to make absolutely sure that bloodwork came back because if it didn’t, all my money, hard work, will to live, everything would be gone and I would die. We had complications getting the papers faxed over through states. My dr had to come in on a weekend for it. I am so grateful for her for doing all that for me. The lady at the desk was an older Asian lady, and she was super patient with me during the whole frustrating process of getting the work faxed. After getting my blood drawn by her, we left to await the results. We went back to the hotel, and my roomate and I decided to take a short walk down to the barnes and noble. I bought a shadow in riverclan and leopardstar’s honor, and one other of the triple novella ones. I sat in the starbucks and read the entirely of the graphic novel waiting for that call. We called them, no response yet. We walked back to the hotel, when they called. I was cleared, she wrote the letter and faxed it to my surgeon, and my surgeon called me saying the anesthesia guy would call me about 8pm to prep me. I hugged my friend and felt like I was going to cry but I was just so overwhelmed I couldn’t. I waiting for the call, he was extremely nice, and answered all my questions and was very very thorough, dispelled a ton of misinformation I had heard and put a lot of my fears to rest. I went to bed, my surgery was at 6:30am and I needed to shower and scrub with an antibacterial brush before we left.  That morning we went in. They came out to the car and gave me and my friend a covid swab, which sucked ass. They called and told us to go in and meet them in the office. The entire building was made of glass, and I took a picture of the sunrise behind the glass building. We found the dingy stairs at the back of the fancy decorated building and took those because I was too scared to entire the elevator. I met the ladies in the room, we went back, they asked questions and drew all over my naked body with markers, I talked with the anesthesia guy again (he was an EXTREMELY tall older man who said he’d been doing this for 40 years.) I took a pregnancy test, then they had my roommate leave and took me to the operating room. I laid down on a weird bed, they put my legs on some weird thing that was alternating inflating and lifting my legs up. The anesthetist was asking me questions about my job while they prepped a ton of things that idk what any of it was. Then he stuck the IV in my hand, smacked it very hard, and the nurse put a mask on me and I was out in half a second. I started waking up still in the operating room. I was so delirious, but I could make out someone over me, and I asked? “*Friend?*” because I thought it was him but as my vision got better the lady laughed and said no. She was a short blonde white girl. My friend is taller and a Mexican dude. I really don’t know what I was thinking honestly but we both think it’s really funny still. I passed out again and when I woke up again I was in the waiting room and she was sitting next to me. I asked if I was at planned parenthood, I don’t really know why I thought I was there. She said no. I asked if I could drink caffeine and coffee, which she laughed and said yes. I was so tired and mumbling everything. I asked her how much weight I lost, she said 6 pounds. Apparently I took longer than normal to leave because I just kept going back to sleep. When I was up, the nurse told me “No peeking!!” about not moving or looking in my surgical binder. Eventually I was awake long enough and they put me in a wheelchair and down the elevator out to our car and we went back to the hotel. I barely slept that entire 9 days, it was crazy. Everyone kept saying you’d sleep so much, the whole time, but I just couldn’t it was loud, people were smoking in the building, the neighbors seem to live there in the hotel and they made some incredible smelling Indian food every single day. I took a picture of me with the HUGE surgical binder on in the mirror in the hotel room and posted it on social media saying ‘I lived bitch’ which prompted my brother to message me asking what happened as I hadn’t told a single person in my family what I was doing. My chest was so swollen that my collarbone was completely gone. I was being reminded every 6 hours to take medications, every morning and every night too. My next appointment came up, my first time seeing my chest. It was in Kirkland washington. The building was many stories, their was construction going on and it was very loud and shook everything, and we were underground. The elevator was strange and underground and worked backward, you had to press the buttons in the reverse order for them to work. I took the stairs instead, which was a very bad idea, but I was ok in the end and we made it to my appointment. She came in and took of my binder, i couldn’t stand up straight the nipple bolsters grossed me out so much. I couldnt move my arms and the penrose drains made my gag. I was very disappointed when I had to put the nasty looking binder back on for several more days. After the appointment we went back and my friend and his mom went to target for more supplies, and he bought me a ton of dinosaur toys I had been wanting and some other cool things for himself including a really neat rayquaza figure and some atla graphic novels and I bought a green shirt from target just to have a shirt I bought when I finally got surgery. My last appointment came up. We went to the appointment, at Carillon Point. I got the binder taken off, I got the bolsters removed and the drains taken out. Cutting the bolster stitches felt like nothing. The drains were the WEIRDEST THING I HAVE EVERRRRR EXPERIENCED. It didn’t hurt! But dear fucking GOD was it STRANGE. My nurse laughed and said everyone says that. She asked me how long I’ve been wanting this, and where we were from. She was shocked that my home town has less than 22k people and the biggest building is a 3 story bank. We went back outside, Carillon Point is a marina, and it was gorgeous, super clean, beautiful plants, an awesome view of Seattle over the water, a super cool nest where a bald eagle couple was sitting with each other (we got pics but they’re blurry lol). I got a coffee at the adorable fancy starbucks and we walked down to the floating docks. There were fancy cafes, a clothing shop, a salon and a restaurant, and a big bell and a clock that rang on the hour. It was cold and windy but very pretty. I saw a boat named “Her Idea”. I couldn’t even comprehend what I was feeling. i was wearing a jacket and shirt I’d worn for years before then. but it was different now. it just felt right. I wore that exact same jacket today. We took a few pics, then went back to the hotel. We had to leave the next day. When we got back to the hotel, my rm and I decided to walk to the bookstore again. Bad idea honestly because I was very dizzy and it made the swelling worse plus I still couldn’t really stand well. Next morning we packed up, I put my surgical binder back on and we drove all the way home, we took what google maps called a shortcut through a neighborhood that ended up taking up almost another hour, but it was ok because it was a very pretty neighborhood. We got home and I immediately took a shower and struggled to wash my hair but it felt so fucking good. I have completely forgotten the month of may. I can’t remember it at all. I just remember being annoyed about sleeping on my back since I’m a belly sleeper, and having to wear the binder to bed. Every day was weird, wearing clothes was weird but good. I love that green shirt I bought. I wear it all the time and it makes my chest look amazing. Life now is weird. I’m not suicidal at all anymore. It’s really weird. The feeling disappeared immediately. I don’t know what to do with my life. Not in the meme way but I really didnt think I’d make it this far. Now I’m here and I need to do something with myself. I’m still lonely all the time and I still have little to no friends. I want to make amends with some people an reach out more but the shame of my depression years holds me back. Some things that I never noticed before, some things that still make me feel that feeling:  Seat belts. Wind. Biting cold wind, the sweat, the heat, itchy stuff. The chest bowl? You know the spot right between the pecks and above the belly that dips and it’s there even though I’m fat and it wasn’t there when I had breasts. Shirts from the side. Buttoning and zipping clothing. Leaning over. Reaching things. Stretching. Hugs and chest bumps. Crossing my arms, reaching from side to side with no resistance. Water touching my entire chest in the shower. Clothing in new sizes and old clothes pilling up. Just everything now.

But honestly, the best part? Is that I don’t think about it. It’s never in my mind anymore unless it’s a happy thing. In general I don’t think about it and it’s amazing. All that pain and frustration is gone. And it’s weird. It’s amazing and I love it. I hate it and I’m confused. Life is amazing now but it feels weird and terrifying that I have to live it now. Life is POSSIBLE now. Every single day I think about the people who helped me. I earned about 85% of it, the rest was from the kindness of others and I can’t even begin to put into words the kindness and happiness and gratefulness I feel. I feel like I could never repay these people in a meaningful way for what they gave me. I have been passing on when I can and donating when I find the posts and have the money to pass this along and I plan on making more donations once I pay my current medical bill (it’s going to collections on December 11th if I don’t pay it off LOL) and I am just so humbled. I hope some day I can be the same beacon of hope to someone here that people were for me. I’m trying my best

Thanks for reading this far if you did. I just feel like there’s been so much on my mind lately and I’ve not really got many people to let it out to. Just know that I am so, so eternally grateful for the help and support and I am doing everything I can to pay it back and pay it forward, I’ve been making a huge effort to donate and share when I can and I really hope we as a community can keep this going because it truly helps and truly saves lives. I know it really did save my life, this surgery did and this incredible community did

[annafragiile]

hi there

idk if anyone will see my posts but it doesn’t matter I think.

I’ll be using this like a diary of some sorts? I used to write this stuff into my physical notebook and then later into my notes on my phone but I thought I’ll give this a try, cause I didn’t do the other two methods consistent enough.

I think I should introduce myself; I’m 23 and been pr0-a for 10 years now, but with many interruptions.

~~~

Consistency and finishing my tasks are something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I’ll start something, get super excited over it, but then drop it after some time if I don’t see any pleasing results.

It all started when I tried to get down to my dream weight, but didn’t work hard enough for it and just gave up. But it’s not like all those thoughts stopped, I still felt bad after eating too much and was scared of standing on a scale.

When I think back, the only time I’ve been really happy and didn’t think about my weight was when I actually managed to achieve my dream weight without realising it. Because of drüg abüse I lost a lot of weight and had my dream body. Tho I stopped doing drügs after I realised how damaging they were to my body, I still maintained my weight. I think I only gained 1 or 2 k g which is amazing considering that I ate a lot.

I was really happy then, I wore a lot of skin tight clothes and didn’t worry about it looking unflattering on me, it was perfect..

My first real down came when Covid hit, I had a depression relapse and the thing I realised about myself is, the worse my mental health is, the more I eat. I ate so much, i didn’t even know what feeling hungry was like. Waking up I was still full from the food I ate the night before, it was not healthy at all. Of course I started gaining weight after a while, so I decided to go to the doctor. I got anti-depressants prescribed and I used them for a little bit over a year, they helped and I managed to lose a bit of weight again.

My second down was recently. I stopped taking my meds one year ago cause I was feeling fine and also didn’t like the way they made me feel, made my body react to caffeine and controlled my sleeping schedule. I was fine at first, but without realising it my mental health got gradually worse again. I started eating more and suddenly I didn’t fit into my jeans anymore. My face started looking chubby without me realising it. I finally had the courage to stand on a scale and it was devastating. It’s never been this high before. I felt like shit. I immediately went on an oat meal diet and managed to go down 4k g.

I’m still far away from my dream weight, I’m still really uncomfortable, even if I managed to do a little damage control. It’s not enough. I need to be more persistent, I know I can do this.

~~~

I’ll be posting my daily calorie intake and also my weight.

If you read my post all the way down feel free to reach out. I have no one to talk to about this, have always kept it to myself but maybe it’ll help if I have someone to talk to, we could push each other to achieve our goals .. <3

[hiddlesdarlinggabrielsangel]

This is pretty raw, and a lot longer than I expected but I think I needed to let it out. If you’re currently grieving a pet, this might be too much to read.

My dog passed away this past Saturday morning.

I’ve been in shock ever since and absolutely devastated. My appetite is gone and I’m nauseous and I’m realizing that even though my mom had a similar bond to Ivy, her way of grieving is very different, and I just feel alone.

While Ivy lived a wonderful life of 10 years, longer than many dogs get, she seemed to be doing fine until literally midday on that Friday and we had no idea it was something that would ultimately take her life. We’re struggling with all the “what-ifs” and “if only” thoughts but even though we don’t know for sure, we suspect the cancer we had removed a year ago had come back and even though we get her checked out routinely, we just didn’t catch it in time. The emergency vets said that it was as though her body was attacking itself. It’s just hard because we have her father from the breeder who literally turned 13 the day after she died, the day we buried her. We also still keep in touch with the breeder and she’s told us that HIS father is still alive. So, it was just so unexpected. And Zac, her dad, doesn’t even seem to be registering the fact that she’s gone. We showed her to him when we brought her home, but he barely noticed and just laid down next to her for a second before getting up and wandering off. He doesn’t have the best eyesight and maybe what they did to her body made her smell different, but I thought there would have been some recognition. But he just sort of moved on like nothing happened. Maybe he just understands better than we humans do that death is a part of life, even for his own daughter, but when she was alive he did look after her in his way. I just hope he doesn’t wake up one day looking around for her but we did all we could do.

I didn’t expect to get into the actual event but to be honest, it helped to type it out. The thing is, while I’m absolutely devastated right now, it’s not like I was on top of the world before she passed. Three years before we got her as a puppy in 2014, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The year I graduated college, 2014, I got a job as a nanny for an emotionally abusive family (which I thankfully left after 3 months but was still a bit traumatized). I had a second surgery for endometriosis in 2015 and was prescribed depo provera which made my depression and anxiety way worse than it already was. I got a job as a photographer taking photos for church directories which was insane (12-17 hour days, no breaks worked in, at least 2-4 hour drives, many kind people but enough rude people to make it miserable), I developed panic attacks and took a medical leave of absence (ultimately left), was judged by so-called friends, went through a time where I couldn’t work because I didn’t know enough about what would trigger these panic attacks, isolated myself from my friend group (hardly any of whom were reaching out anymore anyway), and realized in early 2017 that most of those “friends” who did reach out weren’t really my friends, and between April 2016 - Sept 2017, my “job” (because I didn’t have a real, paying one) was to work on myself in individual and group therapy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m very grateful for both, but when your job becomes analyzing what’s wrong with you, or why you do what you do so you can stop/change/adjust constantly, it gets to be a bit much. Then I got a retail job in Sept 2017 where I dealt with a narcissist coworker. I also started getting migraines at that job in 2018. Sometime in 2018, my brother met his now wife who has never liked us because we don’t fit in to her “fantasy” (not confirmed, but my theory). When we first met, she told my brother I was “too nice” and “not candid enough”. We have done and continue to do everything we can to be welcoming and she’s nothing but disrespectful to all of us. She even sent something to members of her own family recently that they have been very hurt by. Anyway, in July of 2019, I briefly got a job canvassing neighborhoods for a construction company until I had an 8-hour long panic attack. Needless to say, I did not stay there. Feeling ashamed and hopeless, I made a plan to take my own life. My dad interrupted me as I was writing the suicide note, and obviously I’m still here. I got another job the following week, one that I’m still at, but it didn’t come without its hiccups. A man who yelled at me and who I still have to set boundaries with nearly five years later. Another man who acted inappropriately but ultimately he was set straight. As you can imagine, my brother’s girlfriend/fiancée/wife made our lives difficult and did everything she could (and succeeded a long time ago) to separate him from his family who he seemed to be so close to before (I used to think of him as my best friend). In the summer of 2020, I started having hypnopompic hallucinations where I’d wake up physically but I would still see things as though I was in a dream state which freaked me out. In December of 2020, I made a total of 6 batches of cookies, rolled out, embossed, all the works for literally hundreds of cookies, and that triggered an underlying back issue from carrying too much weight in my backpack slung over only one shoulder in college. This resulted in me going to the chiropractor, getting massages, and as the back issue was finally working itself out, it felt as though it dispersed all that pain and more to the rest of my body. I won’t go into it because that would be a post somehow longer than this, but about a year later after having had a third surgery for endometriosis in 2021, seeing a gastroenterologist, worrying if I was having seizures, and finally seeing a neurologist, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2022. I found out my uncle had been diagnosed with cancer earlier that year too, a sarcoma. He passed away in May.

Around a month later, my mom, a non-smoker, was diagnosed with a rare type of non-small cell lung cancer. It’s called ROS1 and it’s very aggressive. Not only that, but it does not go into remission; my mom will have this cancer for the rest of her life. Already, she’s gone through two treatments, and the when we suspected the trial she was on wasn’t working anymore because of a mass they found in her right lung, she had a biopsy done in December right before New Years, and in the middle of it, she had heart failure. Thankfully, they revived her and she’s ok. At first they thought it was a heart attack but her arteries were clear. They said it was a case of broken heart syndrome. Her heart has recovered fully since then, but she was taken off the trial, and after briefly trying another targeted treatment, she’s now on chemotherapy.

After experiencing a traumatic event with my brother and sister-in-law back in December of 2023, my family hosted a baby shower for them at our house earlier this month. I’ve been conflicted about how I feel about the coming of this child. I have been overwhelmed about my mom and the side effects she’s been having from the chemo along with the other drug that they’re giving her for the first 4 rounds. My dad caught pneumonia a few days before Ivy passed. I was already overwhelmed.

I was almost always already overwhelmed. But through all of the above, except those first 3 years of endo, I had Ivy. I could go to her. I could play with her. I could pet her. I could cuddle her. Or I could just watch tv or be on my phone but she always had a way of knowing when I’m sad or upset and needed her there. And I think she just genuinely wanted to be with me whether it was on the couch, on the floor, or even upstairs.

That’s part of why this is so hard. It’s ALL of these current things, plus Ivy. Ivy made it bearable. I know I’m not always going to feel this way, but I think I need to get it out somewhere. While I know that I will move on and live my life through the good and the bad… part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want to face life without Ivy. I don’t want to have people come into my life and not be able to introduce them to my “buddy”. I know how that sounds. And again, I know I won’t always feel that way, but the thing is, I don’t have any friends I can talk to. I have people who care about me and that I care about, but I’m not close enough to share this and one person I used to think might be that type of friend kind of has proven that she’s not interested in a real friendship. She just checks on me by text every few months and says she’s praying for me. While that’s sweet, whenever I try to engage, she ignores it and then literally just writes another text checking up on me a few months later. She responds to updates, but not when I try to reciprocate.

So, with my friends falling away, with my brother turning away from me, Ivy really was my best friend. Possibly my only real friend.

[graveyard-darlingg]

well, i am curious about the name hades and how you decided upon it! its a very beautiful name, in my opinion

hmmm well the emoji is umm like. someone crying into their hands, i think? im pretty sure the emoji was made specifically for discord, if that helps. its like a dramatically devastated "oh no!" kind of, though it can be used in many situations. actually i have a friend who pays for my nitro (i don't ask them to, i have no idea why they do it [imagine the emoji here]) so i have so so many emojis to choose from, even an eeeeeeeeevil one bwehhewhwh

yes you do give off violent vira vibes! specifically tarantula girl and lolita, i think! also i adore god complex so so bad, i memorized all the lyrics a bit ago. it's one of my favorites. i have a somewhat good voice for singing her songs so its really nice to sing along to them. honestly id recommend basically all her songs to you, but for starters mayyyybe luka, waiting by a hospital (i dont remember if that's the exact title), and i dont care (so so so osossososoo good) which are some of my favorites. she came out with a new ep recently!!!! it's incredible, i love it so bad i wanna see her play live

yes! we do share the same timezone! its 5 now for me :D i do hope my friend shows up... ill possibly go to bed if they don't soon. its been a while since ive pulled an all nighter - i might be good at doing it but im not so good at the repercussions anymore. plus being a hypersomniac :/

im really happy to hear you had a good day! spending time with friends is wonderful! im sorry you have to go home now, though. i hope you get to see them again sometime soon

and the puppet thing! i actually don't have experience with puppetry, unfortunately. i haven't watched many puppet shows either, but the ones i have, and even the made up ones shown on tv or music videos sometimes have always intrigued me. im just too busy with my five million special interests and hyperfixation, i suppose

im glad you find me interesting! i was hoping so, you're very cool and if i came across as boring i mightve dramatically melted into a sad puddle

ummm what's your favorite color? generic question, i know. also, if you could paint one thing perfectly, what would it be? its okay if you dont have an answer!

also i think id be able to make a moodboard of the vibe you give off o.O

-🎭 (ive decided you can also call me puppet if you want :D)

starting with my alias, my middle name is actually a greek god. i loooove greek mythology so i thought the alias hades would fit with my blog theme! im very very glad you like it.

i think (??) i have a good picture of it in my head — the emoji, i mean. i could be very wrong though. alsoooo, discord nitro? very fancy if i do say so myself.

violent vira has a beautiful voice. i love how she sings. i’ll have to give those songs a listen when i get off my flight!! it’s really cool that you can sing like her!!

it’s awesome that we share the same time zone!! i’m sorry your friend hasn’t shown up though :(( all-nighters aren’t fun anymore now that i’m an adult, and neither are the repercussions. is hypersomnia where you sleep a lot? like the opposite of insomnia?

if you can recommend me some of your favorite puppet things to watch, i’d love to watch them. i actually have a few favorite puppet characters myself, though they’re from games and anime. also, i totally get the hyperfixation thing.

of course you’re interesting, dear! i don’t think i could find anyone boring. there’s so many different facets and aspects to everyone and their personality. i’m glad you think im cool though!!! that made me very happy to hear!!

hmmm, my favorite color? i’d say black but if you want to be technical, it’s not really a color, so…. blue, earthy greens, and red!! in that order actually. and if i could paint anything perfectly, i think it would be a portrait of my mom, my brother, and i. what about you?

[willel]

I think the problem with Will is that every single relationship in his life seems so one sided. Noah even said that he feels like the other characters on the show don’t like Will

I think that's become his perception, Noah's too I suppose. Even the audience a bit.

They are all finding new interests and pulling away, so Will feels left out in the dirt. It's a normal thing teenagers do, but it's worse for Will because of what he went through. He's not dating any of his friends, so the only attachment he feels like he has is their shared trauma from Upside Down shenanigans and d&d. Will wants things to "go back to normal", but there is no "normal" anymore and never will be again. It could totally be an insecurity of his that Vecna hones in on. "They only truly care about you when you're in danger, don't they?"

I don't think this is true though even though it feels like it. His friends and family really do love him. They would be devastated if anything ever happened to him. But there's always gonna be a black sheep who feels like they don't fit in. Whether they do or not depends on the situation. Unfortunately, he's the black sheep.

As a fellow black sheep, he's doing what all we black sheep do. Start slowly (or drastically) pulling away because we feel like we aren't needed or that there's nothing we can do to contribute to the people we love. That they don't need us or we're a burden to them. You start coming up with reasons why everyone must be pulling away from you. That it must be something you did or something you said. it's a feeling that's difficult to overcome and can lead to very dark thoughts. "I wonder if they've thought about me at all? I'm sure they do they called me last week, but..." "Would they even notice if I were gone? Of course they would... but would they?" It's a struggle.

WHICH IS WHY, I think Jonathan's speech is very important.

That part where Jonathan makes it very clear that the distance between them is NOT Will's fault and that he's not upset with Will or bothered by him or anything like that. That he's just been distracted with his own stuff and he hopes that even when he's distracted by other stuff, Will can still find comfort and company in him.

It really goes to show how much love Will has to give and how badly he wants some kind of reciprocation as he offers Jonathan the same comfort Jonathan is offering to him. "I'm here for you too."

So I get where Noah is coming from. I do hope that Will can find others to confide in about his personal feelings and struggle. I mean, other than Jonathan of course. He doesn't talk to anyone (except Jonathan) about his personal struggle unless it's an outburst (that Will vs Mike argument).

I feel like in California, El probably leaned on Will a lot which is great and all, I love me some WillEl family feels as we all know. BUT I kinda wonder if someday, he can also lean on El's shoulder for stuff. Especially the supernatural stuff none of their friends can truly understand. We know now that Will didn't really explain shit to anyone about what the Upside Down was really like based on the teens scrambling with what to do while they were there. Imagine holding all that inside. In Brenner's words, it's like a festering wound.

There's always Joyce too, but phew. She's been going through a lot since Bob's death and it does kinda seem like she's lost touch a little bit with her sons and El.

I really hope season 5 dives into these dynamics, but...... I don't have high hopes. It really feels like they're excited to give us a love triangle bonanza rather than some complicated family dynamics which sucks. Doesn't help that at every fan event i hear whispers of, people repeatedly ask about the ships and basically nothing else, so the fans are all for the triangles too and I'm just like urggggg

This is stuff I feel like we should've gotten way more of in season 3 and 4. Not just for Will either. For Jonathan. For Joyce. Hell, even Mike and Nancy who we STILL haven't gotten a lot of sibling content for. It's a shame. One of the worst offenders is no insight into what Max was feeling about her step-brother being the big bad.

[lorenfangor]

I heard that #40 was super homophobic :/ so I skipped it. But now your fic is making me want to give it a try. How problematic is it? Are the characters worth it?

Okay.

Okay.

Let’s talk about #40.

The plot of The Other (a Marco POV) is that Marco sees an Andalite on a video tape sent in to some Unsolved Mysteries-esque TV show, and he assumes it’s Ax and hauls ass to save him from being captured. Ax, being Ax, has videotaped the show, and they pull it up and Tobias uses his hawk eyes to figure out that it’s not Ax, it’s another Andalite - one without a tailblade. Ax is appalled at the presence of this vecol (an Andalite word for a disabled person) and we find out that he and others of his species have deep ingrained prejudices against at least some kinds of disabled people.

Despite this, Marco and Ax go looking for the Andalite in question because he’s been spotted by national TV, and they meet a second one, named Gafinilan-Estrif-Valad. The vecol is Mertil-Iscar-Elmand, a former fighter pilot with a reputation and Gafinilan’s coded-gay life partner. The two of them have been on Earth since book 1; they crashed their fighters on the planet and have been trapped there thanks to the GalaxyTree going down. Gafinilan has adopted a human cover, a physics professor, and they’ve been living in secret ever since.

Thanks to that tape, Mertil has been captured by Visser Three, and he’s not morph-capable so he can’t escape. Gafinilan wants to trade the leader of the “Andalite Bandits” to the Yeerks to get his boyfriend back; he can’t fight to free Mertil because he’s terminally ill with a genetic disorder that will eventually kill him, and (it’s implied that) the Yeerks aren’t interested in disabled hosts, even disabled Andalite ones. Despite Ax’s ableism, the Animorphs agree to work with Gafinilan and free Mertil, and they’re successful. Marco ends the book talking about how there are all kinds of prejudices you’ll have to face and boxes that people will put you in, and you can’t necessarily escape them even if they’re reductive and inaccurate, but you can still live your life with pride.

So now that I’ve explained the plot, I’m gonna come out the gate saying that I love this book. I love it wholeheartedly, I love Marco’s narration, I love Ax having to deal with Andalite society’s ableism, I love these characters, and as a disabled lesbian I don’t find these disabled gays to be inherently Bad Rep.

that’s of course just my opinion and it doesn’t overshadow other issues that people might have? but at the same time, I don’t like the seemingly-common narrative that this book is all bad all the time, and I want to offer up a different read.To that end, I’m going to go point by point through some of the criticisms and common complaints that I’ve seen across the fandom over the years.

“Mertil and Gafinilan were put on a bus after one appearance because they were gay!”

this is one I’m going to have to disagree with hardcore. I talked about this yesterday, but in Animorphs there are a lot of characters or ideas that only get introduced once or twice and then get written off or dropped - in order off the top of my head, #11 (the Amazon trip), #16 (Fenestre and his cannibalism), #17 (the oatmeal), #18 (the hint of Yeerks doing genetic experiments in the hospital basement), #24/#39/#42 (the Helmacrons’ ability to detect morphing tech), #25 (the Venber), #28 (experiments with limiting brain function through drugs), #34 (the Hork-Bajir homeworld being retaken, the Ixcila procedure), #36 (the Nartec), #41 (Jake’s Bad Future Dream), and #44 (the Aboriginal people Cassie meets in Australia) all feature things that either seem to exist just for the sake of having a particular trope explored Animorphs-style or to feature an idea for One Single Book.

This is a series that’s episodic and has a very limited overall story arc because of how children’s literature in the 90s was structured - these books are closer to The Saddle Club, Sweet Valley High, Animal Ark, or The Baby-Sitters’ Club than they are to Harry Potter or A Series of Unfortunate Events. Mertil and Gafinilan don’t get to be in more than one book because they’re not established in the main cast or the supporting cast, I don’t think that it’s solely got anything to do with their being gay.

“Gafinilan has AIDS, this is a book about AIDS, and that’s homophobic!”

Okay, this is… hard. First, yes, Gafinilan does have a terminal illness. Yes, Gafinilan is gay. No, Soola’s Disease is not AIDS.

I have two responses to this, and I’ll attack them in order of their occurrence in my thought. First, there’s coded AIDS diseases all over genre fiction, especially genre fiction from that era, because the AIDS epidemic made a massive impact on public life and fundamentally changed both how the public perceived illness and queerness and how queer people themselves experienced it. I was too young to live through it, but my dad’s college roommate was out, and my dad himself has a lot of friends who he just ceases to talk about if the conversation gets past 1986 or so - this was devastating and it got examined in art for more reasons than “gay people all have AIDS”, and I dislike the implication that the only reason it could ever appear was as a tired stereotype or a message that Being Queer Means Death. Gafinilan is kind, fond of flowers, and fond of children - he’s multifaceted, and he’s got a terminal illness. Those kinds of people really exist, and they aren’t Bad Rep.

Second off, Soola’s Disease? Really isn’t AIDS. It’s a congenital genetic illness that develops over time, cannot be transmitted, and does not carry a serious stigma the way AIDS did. Gafinilan also has access to a cure - he could become a nothlit and no longer be afflicted by it, even if it’s considered somewhat dishonorable to go nothlit to escape that way. That’s not AIDS, and in fact at no point in my read and rereads did I assume that his having a terminal illness was supposed to be a commentary on homosexuality until I found out that other people were assuming it.

“Mertil losing his tail means he’s lost his masculinity, and that’s bad because he’s gay! That’s homophobic!”

so this is another one I’ve gotta hardcore disagree with, because while Mertil is one of two Very Obviously Queer Characters, he’s not the only character who loses something fundamental about himself, or even loses access to sexual and/or romantic capability in ways he was familiar with.

Tobias and Arbron both get ripped out of their ordinary normal lives by going nothlit in bad situations, and while they both wind up finding fulfillment and freedom despite that, it’s still traumatic, even more for Arbron I’d say than for Tobias. And on a psychological level, none of the main cast is left unmarked or free of trauma or free of deep change thanks to the bad things that have happened to them - they’re no less fundamentally altered than Mertil, even if it’s mental rather than physical. And yes, tail loss is equated with castration or emasculation, but that doesn’t automatically mean Mertil suffering it is tied to his homosexuality and therefore the takeaway we’re intended to have is “Being gay is tragic and makes you less of a man”. This is a series where bad shit happens to everyone, and enduring losses that take away things central to one’s self-conception or identity or body is just part of the story.

Also, frankly? Plenty of IRL disabled people have to grapple with a loss of sexual function, and again, they’re not Bad Rep just because they’re messy.

“Andalite society is confusingly written in this book, and the disability aspects are clearly just a coverup for the gay stuff!”

Andalite society is canonically sexist, a bit exceptionalist and prejudiced in their own favor, and pretty contradictory and often challenged internally on its own norms. In essence, it’s a pretty ordinary society, and they’re really realistic as sci-fi races go. It makes sense from that perspective that Andalites would tolerate scarring or a lost stalk eye or a lost skull eye, but not tolerate serious injuries that significantly impact your perceived quality of life. Ableism is like that - it’s not one-size-fits-all. I look at Ax’s reactions and I see a lot of my own family and friends’ behaviors - this vibes with my understanding of prejudice, you know?

“Mertil and Gafinilan have a tragic ending, which means the story is saying that being gay dooms you to tragedy!”

Mertil and Gafinilan have the best possible ending that they could ask for? They are victims of the war, they are suffering because of the war, they get the same cocktail of trauma and damage that every other soldier gets. But unlike Jake and Tobias and Marco, unlike Elfangor, unlike Aximili? Their ending comes in peace, in their own home. Gafinilan isn’t dying alone, he’s got the love of his life with him. Mertil isn’t going to be as isolated anymore, he’s got Marco for a friend. Animorphs is a tragedy, it’s not a happy story, it’s not something that guarantees a beautiful sunshine-and-roses ending for everyone, and I love tragedy, and so I will fight for this story. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it deserved better. But it’s not less meaningful just because it’s sad. Nobody is entitled to anything in this book, and it’s just as true for these two as it is for anyone else.

“It’s not cool that the only canonically gay characters in this series don’t get to be happy and trauma-free and unblemished Good Rep!”

This is one I can kind of understand, and I’ll give some ground to it, because it is sucky. The only thing I’ll say is that I stand by my argument that nothing that happens to Mertil and Gafinilan is unusual compared to what happens to the rest of the cast, and that their ending is way happier than Rachel and Tobias’s, or Jake and Cassie’s. But it’s a legitimate point of frustration, and the one argument I’ll say I agree has validity.

(Though, I also want to point out that I think there are plenty of equally queercoded characters in the story who aren’t Mertil and Gafinilan - Tobias, Rachel, Cassie, and Marco all get at least one or two moments that signal to me that they’re potentially LGBT+, not to mention Mr. Tidwell and Illim in #29 and their long-term domestic partnership. There’s no reason to assume that the only queer people here are those two aliens when Marco’s descriptions of Jake exist.)

“Marco uses slurs and reduces Gafinilan’s whole identity to his illness!”

Technically, yes, this is true, except putting it that way strips the whole passage of its context. Marco is discussing the boxes society puts you into, the ones you don’t have a choice about facing or escaping. He’s talking about negative stereotypes and reductive generalizations, he’s referring to them as bad things that you get inflicted upon you by an outside world or by friends who don’t know the whole story or the real you. The slurs he uses are real slurs that get thrown at people still, and they’re not okay, and the point is that they’re not okay but assholes are going to call you by them anyway. He ends by saying “you just have to learn to live with it”, and since this is coming from a fifteen-year-old Latino kid who we know is picked on by bullies for all sorts of reasons and who faces racism and homophobia? He knows what he’s talking about. He’s bitter about what’s been said and done, he’s not stating it like it’s a good thing.

Yes, absolutely, this speech is a product of its time, but it’s a product of its time that speaks of defiance and says “We aren’t what we’re said to be,” and in the year this was published? That’s a good message.

tl;dr The Other is good, actually, and Mertil and Gafinilan are incredible characters who deserve all the love they could possibly get.

[olivia200312]

Prime Missing~ TFP! Optimus x Half-Predacon! Reader *Request*

Requested by the lovely CreatorCat

Plot: Hi there! Could I please request a TFP Optimus x half Cybertronian and half Predacon female Autobot reader? Only Optimus knows she is like that. Her Predacon form is a dragon and her vehicle form is a mustang car (Wildstyle colors from Lego Movie). Her fighting style is dancing (dance fighting, usually coordinated with music only she can hear in her earpiece, unpredictable). It takes place during Beast Wars where they meet Ultra Magnus. Optimus goes missing and the reader is very upset because she has a crush on the Prime.

Ultra Magnus grows a crush on her after seeing her fight in battle. He is concerned she'll get hurt because her style doesn't fall into the protocol and can't be monitored. He forbids her from joining the ranks in battle until she 'shaded up'. The reader is devasted and falls into sort of depression because that she wouldn't be able to dance or fight anymore and that was what she lived for. Optimus returns (finally) to find his crush (the reader) not herself anymore. They have been 'broken' and fight the way that Ultra Magnus saw fit. He's horrified because this wasn't 'his Y/N' and confronted Ultra Magnus. Afterward, Optimus takes the reader aside and confesses and she smiles for the first time in 'forever'. The next battle she's in, she breaks protocol and does her original style of fighting much to everyone's happiness (except Ultra Magnus). She also reveals her Predacon side to protect everyone from the Decepticons and Predaking.

What do you think?

That's a long request ever since I got a request to write a high school version. Lol. So, I read the entire text here and began to think. Do not think it is a bad way. I absolutely love the request but however, I don't like a few things. I'm not familiar with Beast Wars at all. I know only like literally one character and that is Optimal Primal. He is in fact the new Prime in Power of the Primes after Optimus' death. Don't believe me? Watch the 10 episodes or follow the OC book that I'm working on since I'm partnered up with Alita-One and others on Quotev. Furtonaly, I don't like Beast Wars at all since it's different. I also couldn't help but cringe a bit since it's TFP playing in Beast Wars. I remember some clips and scenes where Optimus actually goes missing after the base got exploded and Ultra Magnus appearing. I also remember Predacon's Rising.

Also since I don't like hurting other lovely characters (either rejected or friend-zoned), I made Ultra Magnus different. He'll be not crushing on the reader, but don't worry, he'll get tasted with his own medicine. Revenge will arrive.

Head area:

Brain: Processor / Brain Module

Head: Helm

Face: Face plate

Ears: Audio receptors / Receptor Orifice / Audials

Nose: Enstril / Olfactory Sensor

Eye brow: Optical Ridge

Eyes: Optics

Mouth: Intake

Lips: Dermas

Teeth: Denta/Dentas

Tongue: Glossa

Chest area:

Chest: Chassis / Thoraxal Cavity

Back: Hexa-Lateral Scapula

Spine: Bipedalism cord / Back Strut

Chest and back armour:

Chest plate

Back plate

Mid-section plating

Neck guard

Side plating

Arm area:

Arms: Arms / Restarlueus

Forearms: Bitarlueus

Hands: Servos

Fingers: Digits

Arm armour:

Gantlets

Shoulder pads

Arm guard

Lower area:

Pelvis: Pelvis

Butt: Aft / Skid-Plate

Thighs: Tibulen

Calves: Cadulen

Feet: Pedes - the high heel bits are called Struts or Heel Struts.

Lower armour:

Skirt plates

Aft plate / Skid plate

Thigh guard

Ankle guard

General/Internal components:

Muscles: Cables / Pistons - It depends on the area in question.

Veins: Fual lines

Stomach: Tanks

Lungs: Vents - used to stop the con/bot from over heating.

Heart: Spark

Tattoos: D-con/A-bot Insignias and the lark

T-Cog: The thing that allows all Cybertronians to transform, be that their arms or their whole body.

Bonus:

Penis: Spike

Vagina: Valve

Body: Frame

-------------------------------------

"Jack, meet Ultra Magnus," Arcee introduced her human partner to the missing commander of the Autobots.

Jack looked shocked as he took a look at Ultra Magnus. He was light blue while Optimus was dark blue. The commander had a strict look on his faceplate. What was his problem? Sure, there was a war still going on because since Cybertron, the home planet of the Cybertronians, including the Autobots, Decepticons, and the Predacons, was dead so the idiotic Decepticons moved the war towards Earth when they discovered that the Autobots had been hiding there. Honestly, Megatron was too evil and stupid for actually settling the war on Earth. Earth! The planet was involved in many wars already, especially WWI and WWII.

But let's get to the point: what's been happening?

Well, the Decepticons discovered where the Autobots had been hiding. Before it got blown up, Optimus ordered everyone to leave the base and a serious warning: don't use the phone to call or send anything. If they do, then the Decepticons can track your signal, which can lead a serious danger. Jack went with Arcee, Miko with Bulkhead, and finally Raf with Bumblebee. Eventually, the base got exploded. Optimus got seriously wounded that Smokescreen found him. He was a smart rookie for hiding him so that Optimus can possibly heal and be safely hidden. Sadly, the damage was too much that Optimus was slowly offlining. He didn't want to leave, especially not Y/N. She was a half-Predacon and half-Cybertronian. She was an Autobot. So, it means that Y/N's carrier or sire was a Predacon while the other was Cybertronian. She was found wounded in a forest by Optimus and he took her to the Autobots base. Poor Y/N... She remembered how scared she was when she was there. I mean, she was wounded, lost on Earth, and didn't know anyone. She lost her creators thanks to the war. She eventually learned fast how to take care of herself.

When Optimus met her, he couldn't help but thought that Y/N was a unique and beautiful femme he'd ever seen. I mean, she was half-Cybertronian and half-Predacon. He had seen full Predacons before like Predaking. Soon, he'll meet Darksteel and Skylynx who were brothers. Y/N had wings and a tail so she was very unique. She was thankful to fly and control her balance more. The human kids loved Y/N. Miko, of course, asked too many questions that at one point, Jack and Raf had to stop her since they noticed when Y/N got uncomfortable and scared.

But anyway, that all happened before the big explosion. Optimus grew in fact closer to Y/N that he was the only one at the base who Y/N trusted. She would stay by his side, help him and ask questions. Optimus gladly helped her whenever she was scared or asked questions. He also found her adorable in secret. He sometimes asked himself about her like her wings for example. Were they sensitive? Maybe they were? He will only know if he touched it. If Y/N ever allowed it.

While Y/N was with the Autobots, it didn't mean that she met everyone. She didn't meet Ultra Magnus at the time. He was a strict commander of the Autobots and was light blue and red. His vehicle was very similar to the Prime. His shoulderplates were weird, kinda. No disrespect. But oh boy, Y/N hated Magnus. When he saw her, he was only coldhearted and strict towards her. Y/N's fighting style was dancing but the commander didn't like it that he forbid her to do so. It was like this:

The Autobots just came back after a fight again with the Decepticons. The fight was brutal this time. Apparently, the Decepticons had a new 'weapon' and it was a full Predacon! It was a male and in fact, the ruler of the race when they went instinct many years ago thanks to Megatron himself. Shockwave managed to bring the king back from the dead. His name was Predaking. He was huge! After all, he was a male and a ruler. Since Y/N was half-Predacon, she actually can't transform. Some Cybertronians who were half-Predacons, couldn't actually transform. Some can, some couldn't. Y/N didn't mind that she couldn't transform. She liked how she looked, even having a Predacon tail and wings.

But everyone was wounded. Y/N fought against the male Predacon himself. Their fight was rough and they bit and clawed. But Y/N managed to trick him by dancing. Fighting was a little bit of dancing if you didn't know. You were moving and using your whole frame. It was exhausting for Y/N, but she won.

Ultra Magnus, however, didn't like her fighting style that he brought her into a private chamber. He closed the door and faced her, with his usual strict expression. "Soldier, I want you to change the style."

Y/N lifted her optical ridge up in confusion. What did the commander mean by that? Her armor? Her outgoing? What was it? "What do you mean?"

"Change your fighting style. Also, I forbid you from ever going to fight with us."

Y/N couldn't believe what she heard. Was he really serious? Was he going to forbid her from going out to fight? But what about Optimus Prime? He still wasn't found! He was missing ever since the big explosion that the Decepticons caused weeks ago. The human kids spread around together with their guardians and they weren't allowed to not use any technology or else the Decepticons will track them down. Jack, stupid enough, used his cellphone to text his mother that he was fine. It was understandable for a kid to text its parent to let them know that they were fine. But when it came to the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons, then it was important to listen to the advice.

Ultra Magnus simply left the private chamber, leaving the poor half-Predacon femme alone.

That's basically how it happened. Ever since that day, Y/N didn't come out a lot from her berthroom. She was very spark broken ever since the strict commander told her those words. He forbid her from searching Optimus, who was still missing at the moment. How could he say that? Y/N cared deeply for Optimus just like the entire team. He was their leader but also someone that would protect others and be willing to sacrifice his life.

Y/N would only recharge all day. She ate and drank of course but it wasn't a lot like she used. Basically, how a normal Cybertronian ate. If you didn't know, humans can die from broken hearts. It was in fact a Broken heart syndrome, also known as stress cardiomyopathy or takotsubo syndrome. It was very sad to have that like heart disease. Not only humans can have that syndrome but also Cybertronians, especially the Predacons, full or not. Y/N attracted that syndrome. Everyone says that action speaks louder than words, but words hurt more than actions. Y/N had shortness of breathing and having chassis pains. That was the most common syndrome of heart disease.

Ratchet, the medic of the team wasn't blind at all and was trained to notice signs of any health problems. Since Y/N was showing those signs, he did the tests and diagnosed her with Broken Heart Syndrome or should I say Broken Spark Syndrome? Ratchet kept a close optic on her and made her take medication, especially if she showed signs of chassis pains and shortness of breath.

But meanwhile in the main room of the base...

Ratchet was updating Y/N's health on the Cybertronian computer since it was important for the medics to keep new updates so that they can keep the information. There was actually no standard treatment for the syndrome that Y/N had, but you can survive with medication and as long as you're being careful. Not only do doctors like Ratchet keep updates safe but also dentists as well. Ratchet was mad at Ultra Magnus for saying hurtful words but kept it quiet. It was time that others should watch out for what comes out of their mouths. Words can damage someone and give an illness. He began to ask himself how would Optimus react if he found out about that...

Bumblebee then walked up to Ratchet and beeped a question at him.

Ratchet signed and looked over his shoulderplate. "No, Bumblebee. Y/N is still a little bit weak to come out. I am doing the best I can to help her on track. But her syndrome doesn't have a standard treatment. Just like on humans."

Bumblebee frowned and let out a sad whirl. He saw Y/N as his good friend and cared for her as a friend. He was mad at the commander for saying those words that he nearly attacked her. Didn't the idiotic commander notice at all how much he damaged her? Why was he even doing this?! Just because she was a half-Predacon!? Bumblebee clenched his fists in anger as he started to shake.

Ratchet, being a smart aft medic, noticed it and quickly placed his servo on the scout's shoulderplate. "Easy, Bumblebee." Just as Ratchet wanted to say something further, his computer caught a signal. He quickly went to the device and Bumblebee looked curiously over his shoulderplate.

"Hahaha!" Ratchet began to laugh and clapped his servos happily. That caught everyone's attention as they walked up to him, except Y/N, who was still sadly in her berthroom to rest. She did hear Ratchet's happy laugh, which was confusing, but she didn't bother to check since she felt weak. Ratchet turned around fast with a big smile on his faceplate. "Optimus is alive!"

That caused everyone to cheer happily. Y/N fell asleep at that time. She didn't hear Ratchet's loud voice that said that Optimus was alive and coming soon to the base.

2 hours later~

"Awesome! Optimus is now like 2.0!" Miko happily jumped as she was fascinated by Optimus' new look.

"It's good to have you back, Optimus," Arcee said with a smile.

Everyone was saying how happy they were to see and have Optimus Prime back. The leader was smiling as he listened to everyone with respect. He was happy to see them as well. Even though he was almost offline for good, he thought about others, especially Y/N. But wait, where was she? He saw his friends but not Y/N. He frowned. What happened to her while he was missing? He wondered about her every day. He nearly did join the AllSpark and taking the servo of his mentor, Alpha Trion. The old smart mech understood his student's decision. He even teased Optimus to get the spark of the half-Predacon. He blushed.

Ratchet seem to realize Optimus' frown and he immediately knew that it was about Y/N. He walked up to his leader. "Optimus, I have to speak to you. It's urgent."

Optimus nodded in understanding. Of course, he heard Ratchet's serious tone, which meant that he was deadly serious, especially for being a medic. His job was to take care of others and help if needed. They both went to a private chamber to speak while others stayed. Ultra Magnus, however, got a bad feeling...

Ratchet closed the door and turned to face Optimus. "Optimus, while you were gone, others had a fight against the Decepticons. They had a new 'weapon' it was a full Predacon... a mech. He's named Predaking, the ruler of the Predacons. Y/N fought against him. I must say, I am impressed with her fighting moves. Dancing. Ultra Magnus didn't like her style at all. I saw them going to a private chamber. I learned from Y/N that Magnus forbid her from going out and he forced her to change her style..." He sighed and took a deep breath. "As a result, Y/N has Broken Heart Syndrome, also known as stress cardiomyopathy or takotsubo syndrome in humans. But I called it the Broken Spark Syndrome. She has trouble breathing and having chassis pains. I made her take medication."

Optimus couldn't believe what he heard. How could Ultra Magnus do this? He was getting angry. The commander took it too far by his words. He look calmy at Ratchet and nodded. "Thank you for the information old friend. I will speak to commander Ultra Magnus and see Y/N."

Ratchet nodded back and they left the private chamber. Ultra Magnus knew that he was busted. Optimus slowly walked up to the commander, with a disappointed and angry expression on his faceplate. He took the commander to somewhere private and let's just say that Optimus was so stern. He also finally punished the commander for what he said to Y/N. Ratchet was satisfied and mumbled under his breath: "As humans say: 'Get rekt'."

Optimus then walked through the hallway corridors, searching for Y/N's berthroom. Each bot had a nameplate hanging against the door. It was easier for everyone to find each other, except for humans since they were so small. But good that the kids remembered which room was who. They drew small symbols on each door of the bot. Ratchet got a symbol of a doctor, Bumblebee got a bee, Arcee a motorcycle, etc. Y/N had a dragon, even though she couldn't transform into a Predacon.

Optimus knocked on the door gently as he found Y/N's door. After no response, he softly opened the door and peaked in. He smiled softly once he saw Y/N recharging peacefully. But he was still worried about her health after all. He walked to Y/N, closing the door softly to not wake her up. He caressed her helm with his gentle digits and he smiled once he heard her purr. Predacons can purr a lot. Yes, even Optimus can too but not a lot like the Predacons can, even half ones. Optimus continued to caress as he sat down carefully, lifting Y/N's helm and laid it on his lap. For some reason, laps were so comfy. No wonder humans and Cybertronians fall asleep easily, even falling asleep on someone's body. It was so cute when a male slept on top of the female as a couple or friends. Family too. But mostly, females slept on top of the males.

Y/N softly moaned in her sleep as she moved a bit. She felt very comfortable. But that's when she groaned and had trouble breathing. She panted and Optimus got worried. He then noticed the medication on her nightstand. He grabbed it and then Y/N gasped and sat up, her servo on her chassis.

"Easy, Y/N," the familiar deep voice said.

Y/N snapped her helm towards the very familiar deep voice and gasped. it was Optimus! Wait, he was really here?! She was about to say something but Optimus silenced her by cupping her cheekplate, causing her to blush a lot. He helped her take the medication and soon, she breathed normally. But she felt then sleepy again. Optimus noticed it and softly pushed her down. "Recharge, Y/N. Your body needs more rest."

Y/N smiled softly and fell asleep. She can now catch a lot of rest since Optimus was alive and well. She found him more handsome. His new look, now strong body, etc. But she loved his hips, smile, voice, and smirk. As she was sleeping, she felt soft dermas on hers. Optimus was kissing her, just like in the movie Sleeping Beauty.

I apologize if it isn't familiar a lot. I decided to try and make it a little cuter for the fans, especially the ending part.

[itsivyberry]

no longer his

Mako x f!nonbender!reader

Part 2 of number 1 supporter

request: could you please do a part two of number 1 supporter please. like what happens with Korra added to the picture? 🥺👉👈 (i absolutely loved it btw! great job!!! ❤️❤️❤️) [ @xxspqcebunsxx ]

a/n: thank you so much!!! I’m so glad you wanted another part, I’m so sorry it took so long! enjoy <3

warnings: heartbreak, Korra being a home wrecker and not my favorite person 😬 Mako also being a bitch, Bolin being the best ever. Some major descriptions of physical pain due to strong emotions ig

summary: Korra coming to Republic City not only ruffled many citizens, but also jeopardized Mako and Y/N’s relationship.

word count: 1276

song recs: it’s not the same anymore - rex orange county, another love - tom odell

gif credit: @bolin-hits-rockbottom

Korra coming to Republic City wasn’t all that bad, really. Bolin had already become fast friends with her before he knew her title.

Y/N and Mako were doing just fine, for the most part. Y/N continued to watch the pro-bending matches and practices. The only difference was that Korra began to watch with her, mesmerized by the swift movements of the brothers.

Korra hit it off well with Y/N. Neither of them had any issues, but Y/N made it obvious which one of the brothers was taken. Bolin was very forward with the avatar, making advances to get closer with her. Y/N was rooting him on, while Mako wasn’t the biggest fan of her. Y/N couldn’t quite pinpoint why Mako was such a jerk to her, especially since Korra was so nice to all of them and thanked them profusely for being her first friends in the city. His mood had decreased significantly since she first showed up before one of his matches, and it was taking a toll on Y/N’s attitudes as well.

~.•*✰

When Bolin began to show Korra how to bend during a match, Y/N could notice that she was almost trying to impress Mako with her bending skills. Y/N began to grow extremely insecure, her non-bending suddenly becoming something she was ashamed of. There was never any issues with her not being able to bend, especially when hanging out with Mako and Bolin, but now Korra was suddenly making her very self conscious about herself.

These feelings started piling up. Y/N felt sick whenever she went to pro-bending matches, worried that Mako would suddenly decide to take an interest in her instead of his beloved girlfriend.

It wasn’t long ago when Y/N thought Mako was going to propose, and now some random girl from the Southern Water Tribe showed up, introduced herself as the Avatar, and put a wall between the lovers.

Korra was also leading on Bolin, which made Y/N’s dislike for her grow tremendously. She had been hanging out with him, making advances with him, and accepting every date he threw in her direction, yet still disregarded his attraction to her and used him to get closer to Mako.

Y/N saw right through this, and would often confide in her old friend, Lu, from school that lived in Republic City.

“Maybe the Avatar just wants to be close with an earth bender and a fire bender.” Lu had tried to tell Y/N.

“No, I’m telling you. Bolin really likes her but she’s after Mako. I don’t know why she isn’t understanding that I’ve been with him for a very long time and that he won’t leave me for her.” But oh, how Y/N was so incredibly wrong in that moment.

Not only did Korra manage to break Bolin’s heart, but she soon enough ripped Mako and Y/N’s relationship to pieces when Bolin was on his way to get her flowers.

~•.*✰

“She’ll love these, Bo! They are gorgeous. Don’t you think so, Pabu?” Y/N gushed, picking a flower from the bouquet and lifting it up to the fire ferret who was sitting on her shoulder to smell. Pabu took a big whiff, squeaking and nodding in approval.

“Thanks, Y/N. And thank you, Pabu. Let’s go give these to her! I’m so nervous, but so excited!” Bolin exclaimed, practically vibrating with anxiousness about the girl he really and truly fell for.

As they walked throughout the city to the bending arena, they spoke on and on about anything and everything. Y/N had always gotten along with Bolin famously, which helped boost her and Mako’s relationship.

They reached the arena, and curled around the back near the large patio that overlooks the water and Air Temple Island. The sun had set almost half an hour ago, leaving a gorgeous array of oranges, yellows, and reds in the sky that reflected off the calm water’s surface. City lights were twinkling throughout the sky, and stars began to appear faintly.

“It’s a perfect night to do this. Wish me luck, Y/N/N!” Bolin turned, controlling his breathing and still shaking with anticipation.

Y/N passed Pabu onto his shoulders and adjusted the bouquet. “Good luck, you’ll do amazing. Just tell her how you feel and give her the bouquet!”

“Oh, please walk a bit further with me! You can hide behind one of the pillars, I’m just too nervous!” Bolin gasped out, out of breath from the nerves. Y/N begrudgingly agreed, eager to get upstairs and visit Mako.

She walked slowly along the edge of the railing, keeping an eye on Bolin as he walked.

But, something had stopped him in his tracks. His face grew immensely disappointed, angry, sad, and a whole jumble of emotions Y/N couldn’t name. Tears welled up in his eyes, the dim light on the walls making his eyes glisten. Bolin glanced over at her, his bottom lip trembling.

She hesitantly peeking out from behind the pillar, and was frozen just as much as he was.

There, right in front of the beautiful scenery, was Korra, macking her very own dearest Mako. A small puff of air escaped her lungs as she took a larger step towards the scene, dropped her arms & shoulders in defeat.

The very thing Y/N didn’t think would happen had came true. Her boyfriend, her love, her future, had cheated on her, with the very girl he had absolutely no previous interest of even being friends with.

Bolin blinked, and tears dropped to the marble ground. Y/N was crying now too, as she suddenly watched her future crash and burn. The two ahead of them broke apart, a smile growing on both of their faces.

That was, until Korra had looked behind Mako and saw the two people she was avoiding. Bolin, crying and holding a now messy bouquet that had been ruined by the wind, and Y/N, who was crying watching Korra help Mako cheat on her.

Korra never had any issues with Y/N. She’d always looked up to the girl, who had always gave so much love wherever she went and was never discouraged from people who made fun of her lack of bending abilities. But now, she had ruined any chance of being friends with her after she ruined the beautiful relationship of Mako and Y/N.

Mako was confused, and turned around to meet the eyes of his devastated brother and heartbroken girlfriend.

“Oh, no, no, no-!” Mako said, panic and realization setting in as he reached for his girlfriend. “This isn’t what it looks like!”

He was now running towards her, the tears streaming down her face more visible as he got closer. He stopped in front of her, putting his hands on her shoulders.

“I saw everything. This,” Y/N motioned between the two of them, “is over. Don’t ever speak to me again.” She turned and left, crossing her arms over her stomach to try to alleviate some of the pain that was reverberating through her chest.

“Bolin, please!” Mako’s voice cracked, turning to his brother to reason. Bolin angrily threw the bouquet at his feet, more tears falling on the slick ground.

“How could you?” Bolin asked quietly, furrowing his brows at Mako. He quickly turned and followed Y/N, catching up with her to comfort her.

Mako watched, defeated and absolutely broken, as his brother and girlfr- ex girlfriend walked away from him in tears and sorrow.

There was no recovering from this, and he soon realized he lost the love of his life and his very best friend, along with his last remaining family member that he loved so dearly.

And it was all because of the damned Avatar.

~•.*✰

a/n: okay so I really don’t like Korra like at all, I’m sorry if you do but I really don’t like her 😃 she’s my least favorite character in the atla universe so it was only fit that I wrote a literal hate fanfic about her. anyways Mako is a bitch in this but I love Bolin so I hope you enjoyed 🙄 also thank you for requesting, it meant a lot that you wanted more about a small silly little blurb I wrote from a separate request!! love you all <33