#but I feel like it’ll get more feedback here then YouTube so

[animationismycomfort]

hey guys I have a serious question here

and everyone knows to answer a serious question is through POLLS

so



[petriform]

my album "ultramarine" turned five years old yesterday. its name refers to the color of the photo that comprises its album art.

at the time i released this album, i hadn't released anything of significance that wasn't chiptune in about four years. the last such release was "brown plaid," the spiritual predecessor to this album.

("brown plaid" was also a december release, but don't worry - no anniversary posts for that one until next year, when it turns ten.)

that album was slow, personal, vulnerable. naturally, to my mind, this one Had™ to be slower, more personal, and more vulnerable in order to be "worth it." and that's okay, because i was in the space to do that.

see, within those four years since "brown plaid," i had:

begun to lean heavily into chiptunes for my live sets due to a number of factors, phasing out non-chiptune songs from my setlists

released two full-length chiptune albums ("veneer," "don't worry, you're great!")

gotten to do a lot of really cool stuff i would've never imagined as a result of said leaning into chiptunes

but the latter part of that period existed in overlap with an era of my life that i spent wounded and miserable. i was under an incredible amount of stress, staring into that feedback-looping void of capitalism being ready and willing to discard me. medical issues were popping up. the mental health care i had access to ranged from mediocre at best to abysmal at worst - for as long i had access to it at all, that is.

i wrote most of "don't worry, you're great!'' during this period as affirmations for myself because i desperately needed them, and i hoped that those songs could help others in that way. (some people have been kind enough to share with me that they really did, which i appreciate beyond measure.)

that same energy went into "ultramarine" - but instead of affirmation, it was for validation; validation of the more cynical feelings and experiences that weighed heavily upon me at the time. so to go back and release something like that was daunting because not only was it Not Chiptune at a time i'd come to be known for being Very Chiptune, more importantly, it felt like a betrayal of those who found something to connect with in the optimism of "don't worry, you're great!" i still kind of feel this way, to be honest. that's part of why i haven't gone back to celebrate this one very often. this was the first album for which i declined to press CDs, and i've never performed any of the songs live. hell, it's not even up on my youtube (fixing that soon).

but there's a lot in there that's special, i think. i go off-vocoder in almost every song, and it's easily my most vocal album in that manner. i mean, the first track is fully-acapella save for a sustained string chord! and having not followed it up, it's still very easily my most personal and vulnerable album. given the circumstances of the time, it might stay that way.

in retrospect, would i do some things differently? yeah. five years of music production experience later, the album sounds about five years of production experience worse. that's fine. i regret chickening out and revising the lyrics of songs like "precious" to be more optimistic than i truly felt. i didn't want people to worry about me. i guess it worked out.

anyway, i should stop before i go on too long. "ultramarine" is unique in my discography for a number of reasons, and it'll remain so (even with the spiritual sequel it's getting). five years out, i can say i'm glad i released it, despite everything.

listen to and download "ultramarine" for free / name-your-price here.

[singull]

been a while since i posted a personal thang heeeeeere.

wanna know why?

‘cause my ass got a journal ohmergerd! also got a glass dip pen like i mentioned i wanted and aaahhhhh i feel so FANCY writing with a dip pen. 8D

but yeah, since i’ve been spilling all the boring deets of my life into a journal, i haven’t been posting shit here bahaha. probably a good thing? xD but also sometimes a bitch misses getting feedback about things sometimes rather than just writing into a void.

last few days have been a little rough because my mind has gone back to dwelling on the friend breakup from early this year. keep spiraling into trying to pin down what i must have done or said that was so wrong that she felt the need to cut me out of her life for good. and like…yeah i can think of plenty of reasons, but being able to come up with a laundry list of what i believe are my faults isn’t terribly helpful bahah. i’ve fought with myself a few times this year about reaching out to get some sort of non-vague answer, but ultimately i know that i likely don’t want to know whatever her answer is because it isn’t likely to give me any sort of satisfying closure anyway and will probably just make me feel worse about myself.

annnnnnnd yeah it feels like all my progress of slowing accepting that my friend is gone for good is unraveling completely and aaaaaahhhhhh. the fact that we had to put our other dog down a few weeks ago and i’ve been sleeping terribly is probably a big reason for the back-tracking. been feeling that depression slithering back into my life and it makes it difficult to focus on things that would preoccupy me usually and keep me busy. plus it’s beginning to get darker earlier so i’m sure that isn’t helping bahaha. winter months in alaska fucking suck. i could deal with the cold and the snow and shit, but the darkness just makes things so much harder.

anyway…i talked my boss into upgrading our POS system at work! we’ve been using a Square Stand with an iPad Air for a few years, but the tablet has been lagging a lot with square’s app in particular for a while now, so we’re going to get Square’s Register (which will be so nice so i don’t have to worry about iOS updates butting heads with app updates) AS WELL AS a barcode scanner and receipt printer. aaaayyyyyyyy. i’m pretty lowkey hype about the scanner. it’s gonna be an asshole to reorganize the entire inventory, but hey, it’ll be something to do at work during downtime. P; will be nice to make checking out more seamless, especially since my boss wants to start looking into getting volunteers for the shop again. lemme tell you, trying to tell a volunteer to study the inventory so they learn to know where to find items on it for check out is like pulling teeth. being able to tell them to just scan a barcode will make training so much easier for me. xD also, no having to worry about teaching someone how to interact with an iPad. suffering is having to teach an elderly person about iOS gestures. xD; just teaching them to use the app can be a whole thing in itself. hopefully the register will be much more straight forward.

still reading, but been working on playing god of war 2018 since september since i’m interested in playing ragnarok later this year, but vidya gaems really cut into reading time bahaha. also i keep falling behind on my shows and youtube watch later list. xD;

[jackitk]

So about half a year ago I released a mod of Golden Sun called Dawn of Djinn.  Basically a remix version of Golden Sun with some stronger fights and many changes tying to battle mechanics.  A month or so ago, I figured it’s been sitting on the Internet long enough that it was time to showcase the full mod via playing through it for Twitch/Youtube.  So I think I’m going to start rotating videos of said playthrough in my queque of content uploads, so here’s episode 1.  If you decide to check it out, or even decide to play it for yourself, let me know what you think. 

 I’m rebuilding version 2 from scratch in order to reincorporate dialogue, so now would be the perfect time to get feedback so I can incorporate more improvements into version 2 whenever I eventually finish it.  Meanwhile it’ll still be worth it to play version 1 since it’ll be a while before version 2 is done and it’ll be different enough that version 1 will still feel like it’s own Golden Sun mod.

If you want to learn more about Dawn of Djinn there’s more detail, including how to play it, on it’s Github page that you can find here: https://github.com/JackitK/goldensun-dawn-of-djinn

[thepinkscope]

WHAT METHOD COULD HELP YOU BREAK YOUR CYCLE OF TRAUMA/PAIN? / pick a card

(This is an intuitive reading)

BEYONCÉ: HOMECOMING EDITION

Note : I'm so happy with the feedback I've been getting with my other readings. While doing them, I was a bit hesitant so I know that with the confidence I have now, the readings that I do now will be of better quality lol. I will only debut paid and free reading options this Friday. Enjoy today's reading. I might upload another one tonight as a thank you :)

pile 1 :

A few messages came to mind when doing this pile. The first one is the acknowledgement that you’re in a really crucial part of the growth in your life. You’re growing up and there’s this one deep-rooted belief that you have which probably manifests all the situations (mountains you’ve “failed” to overcome) that have kind of created a burden inside of you. In that burden is a lot of hurt but on top of that hurt, is anger. I’m not seeing that your life is all bad but there’s just this one thing. The belief you might be struggling with is that the world is against you or that people want to see you fail. Trust me when I say those to beliefs just circle back to a moment in childhood (usually) where you decided that you’re not good enough and that has snowballed into the belief that people of the world just can’t let you win. This might not be everyone’s message but I’m hearing that some of you cover this pain by aggression or materialistic things in order to display a better life than you’re living.

The way to overcome this cycle once and for all and you will! The universe is literally saying that this pile will find it easy to break out of the cycle if they just hit the nail on the head. Uprooting that core belief and changing it. Some tips : you need to learn how to breathe properly - do some research on breathwork. YouTube has great meditations on breathwork. This method is amazing, I used it once and I just burst into tears and felt all that I was carrying on my shoulders leave my body. Another tip is to spend more time outside. Just be intentional about it. Even if you find a tree somewhere and just sit there on your phone. Just make the effort to go outside. I believe this will help you connect to the world around you in a meaningful way and you’ll realize that there’s so much beauty that the world has always been prepared to offer you. If someone in the past has betrayed you whether that was your parents or siblings or friends and this is what caused the belief…you might need to make an effort to spend time alone and breathing through the wound as you heal it. To those with anxiety, still, attempt breath work and even meditation (especially if you can’t visit a professional). The whole point is to face this pain and over time it’ll disappear.

pile 2 :

You’re such an interesting group of people because there’s a lot of encouragement coming through for you guys. You might be the “I’m a bad bitch (or whatever gender-appropriate word)” affirmations in the mirror type. You might be actively working to step into the version of who you want to be. There’s a lot of transformation energy popping up so you might’ve transformed a lot of negatives into positives. If you resonate with that, give yourself a lil applause okay. It’s not fucking easy out here. Especially at the beginning of the healing journey. However, you might be struggling to sleep or fall into a bit of a spiral every now and then. What I’m hearing for this group is that those issues are stemming from this belief you have buried inside of you. You might believe that a part of you is deformed or that you’re not “normal”. This is a wound that has made you feel like you’re maybe not good enough. There’s nothing wrong with you and you might even be able to say that but do you really deep down believe that there’s nothing wrong with you?

I’m hearing that I need to suggest something that I’m actually doing for my healing journey and that is some inner child work. There are many ways to approach inner child work but the method I’m talking about requires a bit of a specific type of meditation. Just find a place where you feel comfortable. Even before you sleep. Whatever works for you. Try to envision yourself in a safe place (whatever that looks like for you). Mine is in a clearing of a jungle with some angels and beds of clouds. Once you envision that place, bring up a moment that was recent in which you felt really bad. Get a hold of those emotions and then go back in time. Go past all your memories and try to find the earliest memory in which you feel the very same emotions that you just picked up from your most recent situation. Once that’s done, enter that memory and comfort your inner child. Talk to them, validate their feelings and listen. Transform that feeling of inadequacy and tell them that they’re enough. Once you’re done you can come back to your safe place and slowly get back to the present moment. If you can do this meditation enough times, you’ll see wonders in your life. I know you guys are manifesting amazing things and this will be perfect in helping you in that process.

pile 3 :

Oh man, I’m playing tug and war with this group. On one hand, there are a lot of you that are in a space where you feel a lot of freedom and on the other hand, there are a lot of you who feel stuck, contained or trapped. It might not be the case for everyone but it might have to do with other people making you feel that way. Whether that’s staying at home with a family that hurts you and restricts you or with a partner that makes you miserable or bored. There’s just this feeling of running and escaping. You might’ve gotten out of the situation or you might still be in that situation. Regardless, the message here is that you don’t need to cling to the affection of someone who internally destroys you. I’m not telling you to do anything reckless. I think you just need to continue or start the journey of really analyzing what love means to you and what it will mean to you moving forward.

This is not necessarily about self-love although it can be depending on where you are emotionally and what you feel you can take. Go back to the basics. (This is not just about romance, please think of any and every form of love)

What is love?

What does it mean to you?

Why does love exist?

Have you ever felt the love that you’re describing?

What would you want the you in 10 years to experience when it comes to love?

What stops you right now from experiencing that kind of love and how can you change it?

Really take the time to dive into this because you might discover your distorted views on love. I love you guys, pile 3! Sending you that love you deeply desire!

pile 4 :

Effort. This is what your group is all about. The amount you put in and the lack you feel coming back. You’re such an actionable person and so you know how to give to others which is really sweet and honestly a strength. You always make the effort but you might face cycles in which you feel like no one cares enough to give back to you in that same way. You might’ve had moments where you felt used or shunned in some way even though you were basically offering up your heart to the people around you. It’s interesting, in psychology sometimes (despite our best intentions) we may develop or pick out people that force this cycle to appear. You might choose friends or partners that don’t have the trait of giving because something inside of you is trying to compensate. It’s really not your fault because at some point this was a skill that helped you survive. Maybe when you were 2 years old or 7 years old or 12 years old. There was a time when you felt you had to do things for others just to gain affection and acknowledgement.

But you’re old enough to no longer need this skill. You’re okay now. You’re doing well enough to not have to do that anymore. You have choices and options now. An abundance of love surrounds you as you walk the earth. I would suggest hearing your experiences out loud and closing the chapter. So if you need to write down what happened for this cycle to emerge and explain the ways it hurt you but also made you grow then you can change the perspective you have of other people in relation to yourself. If you don’t write, you can record a video or a voice note or talk to someone you trust with your heart. It’s important to get it out and breathe while deciding that you no longer have to do this anymore. As you move forward, you’ll have a more compassionate perspective when it comes to other people and your relationships. You’ll start attracting people who do put in the effort you want to see in your life. Good luck on your journey pile 4!

Click here for my master post

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[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Portrait of a Dangerous Man🎨4

Warnings: (series) non-consent sex and rape; slow creep; cucking; (this chapter) only plot hehe

This is dark!mob!Clark Kent x reader and explicit. 18+ only.  Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Synopsis: Your dream of having your work hung in an art show comes true but your first buyer is not all he seems to be.

Note: I’m at my tipping point, I swear. I’m dealing with everything in our household, new bed (delayed delivery yay!), cleaning, cooking, dog walking, and working. My only escape are my fics and this weekend I’m telling everyone to fuck off so I can do the writeathon... but sorry for the rant, enjoy more Clark.

Thanks to everyone for reading and thanks in advance for all your feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 As usual, I’d appreciate if you let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Wednesday trickled by like sand in a glass. You could hardly keep your eyes open as you typed away and a double espresso shot was the only thing that saw you through your hours at the gallery. Vanessa was excited for her next event and already asking after some new pieces from you. You promised her some from your storage unit to stave her off as you held in your yawns. 

You collapsed into bed that night beside Marcus. He complained about his day until he drifted off and you followed suit shortly after. You awoke with a decision, the echoes of your boyfriend’s gripes in your head and heart. You hated how miserable his job made him, how dull your own was. It felt like there was nothing else but the almighty dollar.

You called Clark after an email to Jim, your nerves alight in anticipation of the disgruntled reply. It didn’t matter. You were done. You didn’t need to worry about the all caps messages and curt zoom calls.

“Hey,” Clark picked up, he sounded out of breath.

“Oh, hey, sorry, it’s me,” you swiveled in your chair, “I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“Nope, just getting in a work out,” he grunted, “you’re not bugging me if you have good news for me.”

“I think… I do,” you forced out, “I just sent in my resignation.”

“Mmm, you don’t sound… happy,” he hummed.

“I am, I think I’m just processing it,” you replied, “I said I’d let you know today so I’m letting you know.”

“Well, how soon can you be here?” he asked.

“Today?”

“Sure, why not?”

“I guess, I could leave as soon as you want me,” you said.

“I’ll send a car,” he intoned, “I’ll give the driver your number, if you don’t mind.”

“Yeah,” your voice almost squeaked, “I can do that.”

“Alright, sweetheart, see ya soon.”

The line cut out and you lowered your phone slowly. You stared at Outlook and the new email icon along the taskbar. You closed the laptop and stood. You could worry about the fallout later, right now, you had to get ready for another day of painting.

🎨

It was starting to feel like deja vu every time you arrived at Clark’s house. You got out and thanked the drive, Jeremy, before he drove off. The doors opened before you got to the top of the steps and your host was already dressed in the same outfit he wore for each session. His hair was neat but his beard was even thicker than before.

“I think you can tell I’m a little antsy to start,” he chuckled, “how are you, sweetheart?”

That pet name caught in your mind again. It might just be a habit of his. Nothing more than an absent-minded word.

“Me too, honestly,” you smiled, “but I have a weird question for you.”

“Ask away,” he said as he walked with you through the foyer.

“The beard… you want that in the portrait or--”

“Oh, ha, yeah,” he ran his fingers along his jawline, “I guess I wasn’t thinking. You’re the artist, what do you think?”

“Well, erm, either way is fine,” you said, “I was just… wondering. I’m not even close to starting on, uh, you yet. I mean, right now I’m just working on the background and basic shapes.”

“I’ll let you make the call when you get there,” he said, “say the word and it’s gone.”

“Alright,” you came to the top of the stairs and he pointed you ahead of him.

He followed you as you entered and you went about filling the jar with water and resituating the set up. He sat as you mixed and chose your brush. You climbed the ladder and peered around the canvas at him. He took on the same pose as usual and you dipped the bristles into the pigment. You could make a happy life of this.

🎨

Clark shifted and cleared his throat. You rolled your wrist and glanced back over at him as you drew your hand back from the canvas. He braced the chair and pushed himself up.

“How about a break?” he asked as he shook out his arms, “back’s a bit stiff.”

“Sure,” you said, “I think I could sit down for a moment.”

You took a step down the rung of the ladder but your toe slipped and suddenly your palette was against your chest. You slid down backwards as Clark rushed over and barely kept you from toppling the entire thing over. You laughed at yourself as he righted you and looked down at your paint-streaked shirt.

“Jesus,” you muttered.

“You okay?” he asked as he kept his hand on your upper arm, “be careful.”

“Yeah, I’m-- clumsy, is all,” you carefully pulled away and set down your brush and palette.

“Come on, sit,” he pulled up the stool and planted it before you, “take a minute.”

As you sat, he stretched his arms over his head and then out to the sides. He paced around the other side of the table, long strides as he worked the cramps from his long legs. He stopped and came up to play with a brush as you leaned an elbow on the table.

“Well, I did have another offer for you,” he said, “I was thinking of waiting but might as well ask now.”

“Oh?” you raised your brows curiously.

He swished a slender brush in the air then lowered it and picked at the tip.

“I’m having a get together on Saturday, some business friends and the like,” he said as he set the brush back with the rest, “it won’t be work. You’ve earned some time off. You can even bring the boyfriend.”

“Saturday?” you pondered, “I’m usually at the gallery on Saturdays.”

“It would be great networking,” he said, “and I already told all my friends about you. They’re excited to see your work. It will almost be like a viewing and it’s only right the artist is there.”

“I could make it work,” you mulled, “Marcus would love to come back.” You snickered, “he loves this place.”

“It’s a nice house,” he said casually, “a bit big for one person… hence, the party.”

“I’ll put it in my calendar,” you stood and slid your palette closer and cleaned it off to remix the mess of paints.

“Great,” he said as he rounded the table and brushed close to you, “it’ll be nice to look at a mug besides mine, huh?”

You laughed as you squeezed out the dark paint and nodded, “ha, sure.”

🎨

The rest of your week was spent much the same. Jeremy drove you to Clark’s and you went up to the studio to continue your work between small talk and silences that grew so thick you had to break them with mindless comments. It wasn’t enough to focus on the path of your brush as the man tugged at your attention.

Marcus was excited when you told him about the party. He raved about how he needed to let loose, about how much expensive alcohol he was going to drink, and the awesome backflip he was gonna do into the pool. You reminded him, he hadn’t done anything like that since college but he swore he could still do it.

You didn’t share the sentiment. You were anxious. You were flattered to be invited but despite what Clark said, it still felt like work. His friends were going to be there and he apparently was trying to sell them on your art. 

You didn’t realise until after you hit send on your email, but you put your livelihood in this man’s hands. A man, you reminded yourself, who was little more than a stranger.

On Friday, a day you were thankfully not called to the mansion to teeter on the ladder and paint, the buzzer rang and drew you off the couch from amid your YouTube binge. The man on the speaker called back that he had a delivery and you let him up. You took the box from him, the thick silver ribbon giving away the sender even before you could read the tag.

Inside you found a black dress with little gemstones set into the fabric like stars in the sky. It was nicer than anything you’d ever owned before and a pair of silver shoes were tucked in beneath the outfit. You took the shoes from the tissue paper and something else shifted in the bottom.

You reached in and revealed a velvet box from the depths of overzealous stuffing. You opened the lid and found a simple chain of diamonds. You gaped in disbelief. They were real. The fake ones didn’t look so nice.

You phone chimed before you could even think to call Clark. It was as if he could see you. You answered and your voice warbled pathetically.

“Hi, I was just gonna call,” you touched your throat as it constricted.

“Yeah? I got the notification that it was delivered,” he said, “you like it?”

“It’s too much,” you gulped out, “really, I can’t--”

“I want you to look nice. I want you to feel good and have a good time,” he said, “I feel like you’ve been working so hard. You need a chance to just let it all go.”

“Look, I…” you were uncertain how to handle it. It was more than generosity but you felt wrong denying it as much as you did accepting it, “I’ve never had a boss buy me diamonds. At least let me give those back.”

“Boss?” he mused on the word, “I suppose, but you gotta dress the part now, sweetheart. You’re gonna rub shoulders with a lot of rich dicks like me. Pardon my language.”

“I didn’t realise it was such an upscale thing,” you put the velvet box down and turned to sit on the couch beside the large box. You played with the silver ribbon and chewed your lip.

“Sweetheart, it’s nothing, you got this,” he said, “trust me, if you can win me over, my friends will be child’s play.”

“Mhmmm,” you stared at the tv mindlessly, “Clark?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you doing all this?”

There was silence and you heard him sigh then a subtle metallic click.

“Because I can. And you’re a talented artist. Didn’t all the big painters used to have patrons back in the day? You know, Da Vinci and all that.”

“Sure, I guess--”

“Look, sweetheart, I’m glad you like the dress, I gotta go.”

He hung up abruptly and you turned your phone to stare at it in confusion. You were starting to get a bad feeling and that little voice in that back of your head, that little sabotaging bitch, whispered in your ear. No, you wouldn’t let your self-doubt get the best of you this time. You either grabbed this chance or you spent the rest of your life doing menial work and painting the world as it passed you by.

🎨

Friday night, Marcus couldn’t stop rambling about the party the next day. You just couldn’t get over the tickle in your chest, the same one you got before job interviews and doctor’s appointments. You were on edge, even as you spent your stress on him, your body writhing against his as you panted and pouted. It had been a while since you fucked. All the work and the stress had just let things slip past you. Maybe with your new gig, you could get back to those early days when it was all you wanted to do.

You slept soundly. You blamed the sex and the momentous week. You got up, had a lazy brunch time meal, and beat Marcus at MarioKart several times over before he convinced you it was time to get ready. 

You pulled on the gifted outfit after fighting with your make-up and hair. You gave a little tada spin to Marcus and he lifted his brow as he tried to figure out his tie.

“Wow, where’d you get that?” he purred, “fuck, let’s be late.”

He ran his hands over your hips as you neared him and fixed his tie for him. You giggled and planted a kiss on his lips.

“Jeremy’s on his way,” you warned, “I don't wanna bite the hand that feeds.”

“Oh, and it feeds you well,” Marcus chirped, “you think he’ll let me have a spin in the McClaren?”

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t. I don’t need to scrape you off the side of the road,” you took your phone as the screen lit up, “come on, he’s here.”

“Fuck, babe, really, you’re gonna make me follow you out of here with your ass looking like that?”

“Stop,” you tittered, “you know, there might be more sellers tonight?”

“Oh yeah? I guess you’ll be paying a mortgage soon enough.”

“Me?” you scoffed.

“Sure, I’ll be your sugar baby,” he kidded.

“Well, baby is accurate,” you teased as you stepped onto the elevator, “please, just behave.”

🎨

You were surprised to see Vanessa at the party but reassured to see a familiar face. Clark had been distracted by his other guests and you did your best to mingle, letting Marcus take the lead until he was distracted by another guest’s Rolex and started asking too many questions. If you did start selling art to these kinds, you suspected you’d be paying for a lot of overpriced brands. That was a worry for another time.

You stood with Vanessa and a man she introduced you to. Bruce Wayne was tall and his dark-hair was combed back neatly as he spoke over the glass of wine in his hand. You were bored of the Monet-Manet argument, one you’d heard a million times from the stubborn gallery owner, and you were at your limit of socialisation.

You excused yourself and put down your unfinished drink on a table. You looked around but couldn’t see Marcus anywhere. The last you saw him, he was with Clark but you couldn’t find him either. You frowned and wandered between the pairs and trios gabbing around the room.

Just past the bar, you looked back and still no sign of either man. You huffed and your heels clicked into the foyer and to the stairs. You’d go to the studio and sit for a moment and collect yourself. You just needed to take a breath.

You climbed the stairs slowly, the din of the party floating up behind you. You came to the top but stopped as your eyes were drawn to a pair of open doors opposite the studio. You neared and stayed against the wall as you peeked inside. Marcus admired an old-six shooter and spun the barrel.

“You got everything, man, I swear,” you hid behind the door frame and listened.

“Eh, it’s all just things,” Clark replied, “I bought that from an auctioneer down in Texas. A verified antique but it just hangs here. Not good for much but looking at it.”

“Dude, what I wouldn’t do to live here? Have cool guns and even cooler cars? Shit, you know how fucked it is that my lady is making bank and I’m over here with my dick in my hands? I mean, I’m proud of her but… I mean, if I could get paid thousands for drawing, I would’ve tried to learn.”

“She’s good. Dedicated,” Clark remarked, “she’s special. Worth more than money.”

Marcus hummed and you heard the barrel click back into the place. Neither of the men spoke as you heard something shift and Clark cleared his throat. Subtle footsteps moved around the room and you pressed yourself to the wall. You should leave and let them talk but you couldn’t help but be curious.

“Isn’t she?” Clark prodded.

“Y-yeah, but… I don’t know. I just wish I had more,” Marcus said, “I probably sound like a chump, huh?”

“You can’t have it all,” Clark replied.

“Says the guy who can buy anything and everything,” Marcus moped.

“Oh?” Clark intoned, “so… how about it then? Fifty thousand.”

“For what?” Marcus chuckled nervously.

“Her,” Clark answered.

“Her-- I… my girlfriend?” he sputtered.

“If money can buy me anything, that’s what I want,” Clark said firmly, “it’s a one time offer… whether or not you agree to it, I’m gonna fuck her.”

You skin crawled at his words and you covered your mouth in disgust and shock. You inched closer to the door to hear better as you waited for the response.

“One hundred,” Marcus said.

“Seventy-five,” Clark countered.

“That’s my girlfriend, dude,” Marcus hissed.

“And yet you’re haggling with me over her. Eighty.”

You tore yourself from the wall before you could hear anymore. You felt hollow and heavy all at once. Your eyes were glossy as you scurried over to the studio doors and pushed the left one open. You unhooked the diamond necklace and tossed it onto the paint-stained palette and rolled up your brushes.

You stormed over blindly to the easel and pushed it over. It clattered to the floor loudly but you were already out the door and halfway down the stairs. You gripped your clutch and the bundle of paintbrushes tightly as you continued on outside and the blurred outlines of luxury cars passed you by. 

You stomped up the long drive in your heels as you flicked away tears and pulled out your phone. You knew it was too good to be true. Any of it; your art, Clark, Marcus. You weren’t good for anyone unless they could get something out of you.

[suchalonelysunflower]

“Please, you can’t die now” for Ashton?

A/N: This will be a heavy topic. I have been trained as a first responder in my country and if you want to become one, please get informed on how to do it in your country. I will leave some resources of information here.

Not Ready (a.i)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x fem! Reader

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of characters death. Language. Hospitals. Resuscitation. Trauma

Remember that Reblogs, Feedback, Comments and likes are very important and help a lot 💕 Hope you like it and Happy Reading 🦋🌻✨

Disclaimer: this is one of the realest angst I’ve written. It’s based on a irl experience of mine and a story time I saw on YouTube from creators I admire. Read with caution.

My materialist // wanna be part of my taglist?

Suchalonelysunflower 1K+ Celebration

It was very quiet, too quiet. And you didn’t know if you liked it.

In all the nights you slept next to Ash he was never quiet, but you got used to his snores by now, almost to the point where you found it hard to sleep when he was not around. But tonight he was quiet, and it was a sudden kind of quiet, the one that could make goosebumps appear by the side of your neck.

First, you thought he was asleep, although sleep hasn't come easy for him lately. A few days ago he started to have a horrible cough caused by the smoke in the air of L.A, a common occurrence thanks to the fires and the heat, but the coughs were so bad it almost prevented him from getting any sleep at all. He was coughing not too long ago, maybe a few hours ago? maybe minutes? So the silence unsettled you to the point of near desperation.

Something was wrong, you could feel it.

“Ash?” You asked in a whisper, but he wasn’t answering “Ash? Are you alright?” Still, no answer.

You could hear the sirens going out at the back of your head “Something’s wrong” They said, “Has it ever been this cold?”

You turned immediately, finding Ashton laying on his back with his eyes closed in a peaceful frame, but that didn’t make you jump out of the bed. No, it was the fact that his chest was not moving that got you up on your feet in less than a second.

“Ash!” You yelled but you got no response.

His hands were cold and clammy, a greyish color tinting them as you could feel him slip away. And you were not going to let that happen.

It took you less than a second to call 911 and put it on speaker as you took off the sheets from his body and started compressions, thanking every god there was for that class you took to become a first responder.

You counted in your head each second that passed you by, measuring your compressions to the beat of that old song, 1, 2, 3… till you got to thirty, laying down to breathe into his mouth a couple of times before starting all over again.

All the weight of your body was pushed through the heels of your hands, pressing firmly and steady into Ashton’s chest.

“C’mon baby!” You cried, feeling how your tears fell from your eyes into his chest “Please, you can’t die now! C’mon!”

In the back of your head you could already hear the front door opening and the heavy footsteps of the paramedics climbing up the stairs, but not once did you stop until you heard the “M’am! Please step away, we’ll take it from here”

You felt a hand wrapping around your arm and pulling you away from Ashton’s body as another paramedic took your place and started doing compressions.

“Please, help him!” You yelled between sobs as the other paramedic led you out of the room and closed the door “Please!”

“Ma’am,” The paramedic said, “Is there someone that you could call? You shouldn’t be alone”

“M-my phone,” You stuttered through a cry “My phone is in the room”

The lady nodded and walked right back into the room, just in time for you to hear a “I can’t find the pulse!”

You felt the way your knees gave out as you fell to the ground, sliding your back down the wall as earth-shattering sobs ran through your body and made you shake uncontrollably

Ashton can’t die. He can’t. He’s barely in his twenties, he has so much to live for! His fans, his friends, his family… How are you going to tell Anne Marie about this?! What can you say? What can you do? It was only a cough! And now he was-

“Here,” The lady said, handing you the phone and placing a hand on your shoulder. “We’re doing everything we can. But I have to tell you that it doesn’t look too good and that you should probably call someone to be here with you. The police were already informed and they’re on their way”

“P-police?”

She nodded “It’s the law to call them when-” But she didn’t finish the phrase, she didn’t have to. You already knew why.

With shaky hands, you called the first number that came through your head, the only one you knew would pick up this late and that would be here the fastest. If what you thought was happening was really happening, then you knew he would want to be the first one to know.

“Hello?” Calum picked up immediately, and despite his sleepy voice, you already knew he was up from his bed “Y/N? It’s two a.m. What’s happening?”

But you couldn’t even say it. How could you say it? How do you tell someone that his best friend might be-

“Y/N?”

“It’s Ash. He’s- He-” You managed to say between the sobs, breaking down completely.

“I’m on my way” Was all Calum could say before ending the call as he sprinted to his car.

You sat there with your knees pressed to your chest, hearing the muffled voices of the people that were surrounding your bedroom.

A million things were running through your head as you cried silently. You felt a crushing pain through your shoulders but you paid no mind to it, after all that pain will disappear with time, but the pain of losing Ash? How could you ever come back from that?

You weren’t ready. You weren’t ready to say goodbye, you weren’t ready to let him go and live your life without him. It was too soon, too sudden. It didn’t feel like the end but what if it was?

“Y/N!” You heard someone call at the end of the hall.

Calum was standing there, panting heavily almost as if he ran there in the middle of the night. He was wearing his sleeping sweats and a big shirt, mirroring your own outfit as your world fell apart. You got up in a jump, running to him and engulfing him in a hug, hiding your face in his chest as you let yourself break down again. Seeing him there made it all real.

“Shh, it’s okay” He tried to calm you, but you could tell by the beating of his heart that he was just as scared as you were, he was just better at hiding it “Y/N, what happened? Is he okay? Where is Ash?”

But before you could answer, the door to your bedroom opened as a bunch of paramedics took Ashton in a stretcher to take him to the ambulance.

The image of your boyfriend’s body surrounded by doctors and pumps that helped him breathe would haunt you for as long as it needed, but it’ll always be accompanied by the words:

“He’s back! We have a pulse and we’re taking him to the hospital”

*

The white lights were blinding and burning your eyes. You haven’t been able to sleep in almost two days but you barely felt tired, all the adrenaline of that night still lingered on and as you held Ashton’s hand, you wondered if it’ll ever go away or if you’ll have to stay alert at all times.

Ashton glanced at you from time to time as the doctor explained what happened, tugging on your hand with reassurance for he knew that reliving that night must be very hard for you.

“... It wasn’t just a cough, Mr. Irwin. It’s possible that you already had a pre-existing condition that was affecting your lungs and the smoke in the air just made it trigger; it expanded to your lungs and heart, making it impossible for the air to run through smoothly. We were able to fix it thanks to the quick response of your partner, had she waited just a couple more minutes to start compressions we might’ve had a different ending today”

You closed your eyes and pressed your lips on a thin line as the tears came crashing down silently. Just thinking of what could’ve happened made your entire body go limp as the images of Ashton laying in your bed, cold-stone and without breathing filled your head.

“Thank you, doctor,” Ashton said with a hoarse voice, still recovering from everything. “Can I have the room, please?”

The doctor nodded and smiled kindly at the two of you before walking out and leaving you alone in the hospital room. And only then did you allow yourself to let out the cry that’s been burning at the back of your throat, letting your head fall on top of his hand.

“Baby,” Ashton cooed, softly running his hand through your scalp “It’s okay, Y/N. I’m okay, you hear them say it”

You lifted up your head, holding tightly to his hand as your red, puffy eyes took him in. He still had the same smile that made you fall for him in the first place, and you don’t ever want to imagine a life without it. Ever.

“I lost you…”

“And I came back,” He said, cupping your face delicately. “I came back because of you. You saved my life” You shook your head “Baby, you did. If it wasn’t for you I-”

“Don’t say it,” You begged, swallowing hard “Please don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it ever again”

Ashton’s eyes softened, he had no idea what you went through in those moments for he doesn’t remember anything other than going to sleep and then waking up in a hospital bed surrounded by you and his friends, all of you with tears running down your eyes and dressed in your pajamas.

“I’m sorry I left for a moment and you had to go through all of that” He softly offered and you chuckled despite yourself.

“You know you can’t use the “I’m sorry I died” excuse forever” Ashton laughed.

“Can I use it on Michael?”

“Maybe,” You smiled at him, wiping away some of your tears. “It was really scary, you know? I was really scared”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s okay, just - just don’t do that again, please?” You asked, letting out a breath as you held his hand tightly “I won’t be able to do all of this without you. I’m not ready and I won’t ever be”

“I wouldn’t dare” He smiled, bringing you closer for a small, sweet kiss “I’m not ready to let you go, either”

*

*

tags: @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @mystic-232 @talksoprettyjjx @theshyspy @hoodhoran @flaneurcth @conversecake @bubblegum18 @irwin-fletcher-ash @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @1980holland @wiiildflowerrr @hoplessromantic727 @fivesecondsofonedirection @another-lonely-heart @aabc5sauce @dudethisiswhyyoudonthavefriends @fakebetch9694 @5sos-imagine @SunflowerAngel2123 @perfectnouis @in-superbloom @lukeisstillapenguin @sadcupofcoffee @superstarmarvel @personalmuyverypersonal @cnco.angels @vtte @as-hs-blog @himbohood @sofiaaraee @irwindoll @ashtonsunflower @nicebasscalum @calumspupils @secretsicanthideanymore @the-ghost-of-ash @alltimesos @wontlastimokwiththat @ttinahood @lukespitinmymouth @perfectnouis @cncoangelss @darrensos @whywontashloveme

[supernaturallyobsessedchic]

Fever

[gif credit to @heytheredeann​, I couldn’t find a gif perfect for something like this, I got distracted by a certain someone’s gorgeous face.]

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Warnings: all the icky feelings of being sick, fluffy Jensen, sweet Jensen, just Jensen being adorbs!

Word Count: 1,017

Summary: The reader is sick, and Jensen treats her to a unique way to having breakfast in bed.

Square: Breakfast in Bed ( @supernatural-jackles Tell me a story bingo)

Bingo Masterlist

Main Masterlist

Mobile Masterlist

~

She turned onto her side with a plugged up groan.

The side of her bed cold and empty. Telling her, her boyfriend has been up for a while now.

She and Jensen had a fun night last night hanging out, outside on his balcony. Having a chill date night. Chatting, whine, and the cool night air at his apartment in Vancouver.

She had decided to visit him while he had the weekend off. Maybe being out in the cold for however long was enough for her to get sick with the cold.

She heard the door open.

“You awake babe?” Jensen whispered.

“Barely.” She grumbles.

“You sound awful.”

“I feel awful.”

She felt a warm hand on her head. Jensen furrowed his brow. “You’re running a bit of a fever, how about you stay, rest up. I’ll make you some breakfast.”

“Okay.” She says, turning her face into the pillow, passing out.

Jensen shaking his head, chuckling.

She’s too wore out to stay up long enough to eat just yet. He thought.

Maybe later when she’s up for it.

 She managed to wake up for the day around noon. Jensen no where to be found in the apartment. But a note in the kitchen.

‘Went to get you a few things, rest up, maybe soak up in a nice hot bath. I’ll be home before you know it. – J’

She read his note with a sweet smile growing on her face.

“A bath sounds amazing right now.” She says with a sigh.

She gathered herself a change of  comfy clothes, getting a hot bath going. Not too hot but enough for her to tolerate.

Dumping a bath bomb in the tub, letting it fizzle and fill the tub with bubbles and the calming scent of lavender.

Undressing quickly she dips her naked body in the tub. Letting out a sigh of relief and content. The warmth of the water relaxing her muscles. The steam opening up her sinuses.

She slides further down the water, letting her head rest on the tubs edge, the water only getting to her neck. She closes her eyes, content with sleeping in the tub of warm water.

 She woke up to feeling a hand stroke a finger across her forehead.

She opened her eyes slowly, not feeling all that better but better than she did originally, seeing Jensen sitting on the tubs edge, brushing dry strands of her hair from her face. Even playing with her hair. She smiles with a hum, leaning into his touch.

“How are you feeling hon?”

“Still sick but better than I did.”

“Well that’s good at least.” He says. Getting up, walking out and coming in quickly with a towel.

“Better get out of there before you turn into a prune.”

She begins to move, the water being a lot cooler than it was when she first got in.

She got up tiredly but with ease. Getting out, walking into Jensen’s awaiting arms as he wrapped the towel around her, drying her off.

She didn’t care too much. She was still too exhausted to care that he was doing what she was well capable of doing.

“Lets get you dressed and in bed.”

“In bed? But it’s three in the afternoon?”

“Yeah, and your still sick. You need your rest. Besides, I got stuff for a killer soup I want to make you if you’re up for it?”

“Sure, soup sounds so good right now.”

She managed to get her clothes on herself, Jensen had changed her bed with clean and fresh sheets, a bottle of Gatorade on her nightstand.

She didn’t protest that she wanted to do other things, she allowed him to guide her to bed and she got herself comfortable.

“I’ll be right back; I just need to check the soup.”

“How long have I been asleep?”

“Well, I got home probably not long after you got in. I check on you when I got home, and the water was still hot then. So I figured you just got in at that point. So I started cooking the soup, and once it got close to being done I figured it was time to wake you up.”

“What would I do without you?”

“Turned into a prune,” he says with a sweet smile, chuckling. Earning a giggle from her.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I got your game system set up on our TV in here if you’re not sleepy, and if you’re wanting to play some games, watch YouTube or Netflix, we could watch it on there.”

“Got to remind me to go to Best Buy to get our Apple TV fixed.”

“Yeah, been meaning to, just been busy lately.”

“I know, but I still say it needs to be updated.”

“I just think it’s something else.”

“Jensen, I’m telling you when apps crash, it’s a compatibility issue with the software. It’s nothing more than a computer.”

“Such a nerd.”

“I know, you love me.”

“Yes I do.”

He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving to check on the soup.

Coming back with a tray, sitting it on her lap she see’s two bowls of soup,  her favorite fruit juice she likes to drink when she’s sick, and small potted plant. The tag saying it’s a sweet blossom, a white spotted Aloe looking plant.

“Aw, thanks Jay.”

“Figured with your allergies, you’d like this type of plant instead.”

“I do like it, but place your bets on how long it’ll take me to kill it.”

“It’s a type of cactus honey, it might take you a while.” Jensen says chuckling.

“Never know, I’m not much of a green thumb.”

“I know.” He says. Kissing her cheek again.

“Nothing like a little breakfast in bed though.” He adds.

“Breakfast? Dude, it’s almost four, and it’s soup.”

“This is your first meal of the day. It’s breakfast.” He says with a smile.

She shakes her head, rolling her eyes laughing.

“Dork.”

“I’m your dork, and you love me.”

“Yeah I do, thanks babe. For taking care of me.”

“It’s what I’m here for.”

~

A/N: What’d you think? But seriously, place your bets, I do have my first plant that I think I’m gonna end up killing unintentionally. But let me know what you thought of the story, Feedback is always appreciated. :3

~

Jensen Girls:

@luci-in-trenchcoats, @supernatural-jackles​, @becs-bunker​, @jayankles​, @jeaniespiehs20​, @mlovesstories​, @winchesters-favorite-girl​, @salt-n-burn-em-all​, @backseat-of-deans-67chevy​, @moonlight-on-her-skin​

Dean Girls:

@akshi8278​, @flamencodiva​, @misfit0118​, @shawnie74​, @lyarr24​

Dean and Jensen Girls:

@akshi8278​, @lyarr24​

~

Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of supernaturallyobsessedchic. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post. 4/11/2021

[astxroiid]

What It’s Like

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Fandom: YouTube

Pairing: Ethan Nestor x Reader

Word Count: 1,623

Warnings: a short moment of angst, crying,

Summary: Y/N invites Ethan, her roommate, to come play Mario Kart and eat takeout with her after his Twitch stream.

Author’s Note: This is just a quick little thing I thought about the last night! Am I procrastinating to keep from writing those series? Yes. Yes I am. [thank you @soft-haas16 for proof reading and giving me feedback! Ur the best <3]

Tags: @bigdickdaddysatan , @staxryskxes , @soft-haas16 , @cas-loves-pizza

Masterlist // Read Before Requesting

(GIF NOT MINE)

Ethan sat in his gaming chair in front of his monitors spinning side to side as he read the chat that was gliding up one of his screens.

“Spidie-cents, thank you for the bits!” He calls, eyes still following the words coming in.

He’d had an average day, nothing too outstanding and interesting about it. So why not spice things up with a surprise stream?

“When am I playing Among Us again? I don’t know. Hopefully sometime soon. I’ve been trying to get a lobby going with Seán, Corpse, Chris, and the rest of the usual bunch.”

He takes a sip of his water and checks his phone real quick. Nothing. He sighs and sets it back on the table, looking up at the chat.

“Are me and Y/N dating?” 

Ethan becomes visibly uncomfortable at the question. “Uh, no. We just live together. Not dating.”

Chat goes wild, teasing him and asking a thousand more questions.

Ethan struggles with reading while the chat is going so fast. Only making out different ship names and heart emotes.

“Guys. Guys. Calm down. I can’t read chat.”

There’s a soft knock on his recording room door. “Yeah?” Ethan calls out. You step in, looking slightly shy and nervous. The stream can’t see you, which your thankful for. But they can see the way Ethan is looking at you. Smiling with loving eyes and excitement running through him.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Oh, am I interrupting?” You ask, concerned.

“Oh. No, your fine. What do you need?” He reassures

“Well, I was gonna see if - when your stream ends - you would want to come play some Mario Kart with me? And maybe order some takeout?” You’re fidgeting with your hands, trying to maintain eye contact.

Ethan smiles warmly and nods enthusiastically. “Yes! Totally. I’m ending my stream in about an hour,” he checks his phone for the time, “is that okay?”

You grin. “It’s perfect. Thank you. I can’t wait.”

Ethan expresses the same feelings before you both say goodbye and you leave the room, giddily preparing to order food.

✩ ✩ ✩

Ethan comes downstairs after his stream, excited for a game night with you.

You’re sitting on the couch, scrolling through your phone. You’re wearing a pair of dark grey sweatpants that you might or might not have stolen from Ethan, a black spaghetti strap shirt, and a silver chain necklace Ethan had gotten you for your birthday last year.

He smiles at the memory of you opening the box he’d been holding behind his back, gasping and giggling and completely at a loss for words.

You struggled for a few minutes trying to find a way and thank him for such a beautiful piece of jewelry.

You look up from your phone and smile wide. “Hey,” you greet, “whatcha smiling about?”

Ethan looks into your eyes. “Nothing, just thinking about your birthday present I got you.”

You absentmindedly reach for the chain resting on your chest and play with it, smiling.

“Thank you, again.”

He shakes his head, grinning, and saunters over to the couch. Ethan flops down beside you, placing his arm behind your shoulders on the back of the couch.

He slides down slightly, spreading his knees and rubbing a thumb on your shoulder bone opposite him.

Chills cover your body at every little gesture Ethan does. Especially the way his arm is around you and his thigh is pressed flat against yours. Your cheeks heat up and you pretend to focus on your phone.

“U-uh the food should be here soon. In ten minutes maybe,” you look over at Ethan.

He looks back at you, a goofy smile on his face. “Nice,” he squeezes your body against his with his arm and rests the side of his head on top of yours.

You start to get ready for a round of Mario Kart, choosing your characters and load outs and then moving on to which cup you should play.

“What cup do you wanna play?” You look over to Ethan.

“Well, I believe there’s only one good answer - the greatest cup out of the entire game.”

“The Star Cup.”

“The Bell Cup.”

You both blurt at the same time.

“What?” You ask incredulously.

“Star Cup?!” Ethan looks at you, shocked.

“What do you mean ‘Star Cup’? It’s the best one! It’s got Dolphin Shoals - which is hands down the best map in the game, Mount Wario, and Sunshine Airport. That’s the big three all in one cup!” You flop your hand to your thighs for dramatic effect.

“No. No. No. No. See, I hate to break it to you - but that’s where you’re wrong.”

You raise a questioning eyebrow and cross your arms over your chest.

“The best map on the game is Wild Woods, but the rest of the maps on the Crossing Cup suck. So that leaves Ribbon Road, Super Bell Subway, and Big Blue which are a trifecta of greatness.”

You shake your head. Before you can retort - there’s a knock on the door. The food has arrived. You thank the delivery person and grab the food, taking it to the living room and sorting out your’s and Ethan’s food.

“At least we can agree that Bowser’s Castle is the absolute worst,” you say, setting Ethan’s box in front of him. He nods his head, agreeing.

“Yes. Definitely.”

You both decide on Ethan’s Bell Cup first, eating your food and goofing the whole time.

✩ ✩ ✩

Halfway through the night Ethan realizes that he’s losing. In a desperate attempt to redeem himself; he snakes an arm around you and begins to tickle your side.

You jolt upward, almost throwing your controller while trying to fight him off.

“E-Ethan!” You cackle. “St-op!”

While you’re distracted, Ethan manages to send a blue shell your way and slowly crawl his way up to first.

You press the pause button and catch your breath. You both set your controllers on the coffee table and look at each other.

You’re panting and smiling at the goofy man next to you. “That... was so... unfair,” you accuse breathlessly.

“You never told me to play fair,” Ethan states like the five year old he is, smiling like a dork.

You roll your eyes and get up to throw your box of food away. Before you can get to it, there’s a hand gently in yours, pulling you towards him.

You crash into Ethan’s lap, giggling. “Lemme put my food in the trash,” you look up at him.

“In a minute,” Ethan looks down at you, pulling you closer to his chest - hugging you. You bury your face into his shirt, inhaling his scent. Your body relaxes into him and you smile to yourself.

This is all you could ever want in life. You and Ethan, holding each other, at peace. Then reality sets in. And you realize that you couldn’t be truly happy like this. Just friends.

All this is - is one friend holding another friend. And that’s all it’ll ever be. No ‘I love You’s. No kisses. No holding each other in bed every night. Just friends being friends.

You feel tears welling in your eyes and you try and hold them back but before you can Ethan pulls back to look at your face, smiling.

His face falls at the sight of yours, being replaced by fear and concern.

“Hey. Hey, what’s wrong? Did I do something?” He grabs your face, looking into your eyes.

A tear slips down your cheek and you shake you head but Ethan knows better. “No. Talk to me. What’s wrong?” He asks again.

You take a deep breath and move his hands from your face. “I—” you start but decide against it. Having no idea how to tell him. And do you really want to ruin your friendship?

Ethan’s eyes plead with you and there’s no way you can refuse him.

“It’s just,” you take a deep breath. “I don’t think I can do this,” you admit gently.

“Do what?” Ethan asks, concerned.

“Be just friends with you. It hurts too much to keep going,” another tear slips out. “I see you every day and I’m filled with this overwhelming sense of loss. And the pain in my chest everytime you look at me is so overbearing and I can’t keep putting myself through this every single day,” you look away from him, closing your eyes tight.

“Especially when I know you don’t feel the same. That’s the worst part about it, Eef. Knowing you’ll never feel the same,” you collapse into his chest, crying.

Ethan places a hand on your back, moving the other to the base of your skull and kisses the top you your head.

“Hey,” he says, softly. “Look at me.”

You look into his eyes, your own red and puffy.

“Who said I’d never feel the same?”

“What?” Your face contorts in confusion.

“Y/N, I’ve felt that exact way about you for so long. You have no idea...”

Your heart melts and you smile. “Really?” You wipe a tear from your cheek.

Ethan uses his thumb to wipe away your other tears and smiles. “Yes. Really.”

He slowly starts to lean in and you grin. “I think I do have an idea of what it was like.”

Your lips connect and move together in a sweet dance of love and tender longing.

You pull away and giggle, pressing your forehead against his.

You wrap your arms around his neck and pull him to the side, laying with him on the couch. You kiss him for longer this time with more intent.

“Can I go throw away my food now?” You almost whisper.

“As long as you take mine with you.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Ty guys for reading! And for 300 followers!! Ahh words can’t express how thankful I am for you guys <3333!

[onewithnomightypowers]

clandestine (chapter 2)

PAIRING: Tom Holland x fem!Reader

SUMMARY: Y/N is an up and coming actress, married to a once hotshot actor, Harrison (Haz). What happens when her co-star, Tom, makes her realise that she is stuck in a loveless marriage. A marriage starts crumbling and a new romance stars brewing.

chapter 2: portrait of a dinner

A/N:  the characters in no way portray how these ppl are in real life. i do not encourage cheating. i hope you guys like this chapter!! i would love to know how you guys feel about the story. feedback is always appreciated.

warnings: drinking, smoking, cursing

word count: 1.6k

important: the whole chapter is a flashback, character thoughts are in bold italics

masterlist   series masterlist   chapter 1   chapter 3

“I rent a place on Cornelia street”, Tom said casually in the car. They were sitting in the backseat of a black town car, going for their shoot. Y/N had suggested that they travel together, in an attempt to get to know each other better. She said, “It would help with the on screen chemistry”, the whole production team agreed. But that did not become a norm for them, mostly because of their different call times.

Both of them had hectic filming schedules and only saw each other when they had scenes together. Sometimes they would bump into each other at the craft service, but otherwise, they were on their own.

During the last few weeks of filming, Tom had started getting her coffee. He had noticed how she took her coffee during the shooting. Black with one sugar.

“There you go”, Tom handed her the coffee. “Thanks Tom.” He gave her a smile. She was walking towards the door, and Tom started following her behind.

“I’m going to hair and makeup, do you wanna tag along?” she asked him.

“Sure, I have a 15 minute break anyway”

“Have you seen Hot Rod? I watched it last night” she didn’t know why she asked that silly question. She found it embarrassing.

“That Andy Samberg movie, right?” Tom nodded, “Yeah I watched it a long time ago, it’s a classic”

“I totally watched it for Bill Hader” She found herself easing up to him.

“Valid reason. Loved him on SNL. Do you know Stefon? from SNL?” She reached for the door handle, a gush of cold air was felt by both of them.

“Don’t even get me started on Stefon. I used to watch Stefon compilations on YouTube all the time. It became a problem” she chuckled, remembering how Haz used to get pissed off whenever she’d talk in a ‘Stefon’ tone.

Oh, I love it when she chuckles like that. I wish I could kiss her. NO. She is fucking married, Tom.

“Yes yes yes, New York’s hottest club is…” Tom tried to imitate Bill Hader as Stefon. He looked around a bit and pointed towards the paparazzi, who were trying to take pictures of anything worth money. “New York’s hottest club is paparazzi” he continued.

“If paparazzi is the hottest club, then I’m fine staying at home” Y/N was laughing so hard that she couldn’t breathe. She clutched Tom’s arm to avoid falling down while trying to contain her laughter. She hadn’t had a good laugh with Haz in a long time.

--

Tom found himself at Y/N’s doorsteps with cheap wine he bought from the convenience store last minute. Y/N had invited Tom and his partner for dinner during the last week of shooting.

“Oh, I’m not seeing anyone actually, but my lonely heart and I will be there”, Tom replied to Y/N’s invitation.

He rang the bell and waited for someone to open the door. Tom was met by Haz’ charming smile, as he opened the door. Tom could see right through his fake smile. Clueless to Y/N and Haz’ fight prior, he entered the two story building.

“Why did you invite him without asking me?” Haz screamed, slamming the plates on the table.

“I didn’t think you’d be home tonight, you never are” Y/N replied in the same tone as Haz

“So you were going to have dinner with him, alone?”

“Yes” she said in a crude way.

“Are you fucking him?” Just as Haz asked her, the doorbell rang.

It would be better fucking him than fucking you. At least he’ll be home.

Y/N entered the kitchen leaving Haz to open the door. “You must be Tom” said Haz, in his most likeable voice.

“Yeah and you must be Haz. I got this for you guys”, Tom handed him the wine bottle.

He’s a bloody hotshot and brought us cheap wine.

“Hey Tom, I’m so glad you could make it”, Y/N said, taking Tom in for a hug. She could feel Haz burning a hole behind her head with his gaze.

She pulled out of the hug, “do you want red or white wine?”

“Red”, Harrison and Tom said in unison. Y/N let out a little chuckle and went into the kitchen. Tom started noticing the little things in their house, like how there were film and Polaroid cameras scattered everywhere. There was a vinyl shelf right above an old golden gramophone, adjacent to their brown leather couch.

He noticed a collage of pictures and recognised some of the photos from the time they were taken on set. There was one with him and Y/N. He felt a sense of pride knowing that their picture hung on Y/N’s wall and the possibility of her looking at it every day.

“So, what do you wanna hear?” Harrison was standing next to their vinyl collection. “Since Y/N lives here, we have everything Taylor Swift, I don’t suppose you’re into that pop shit, are you?”

“Actually I do like pop but more like alt-pop”

Harrison wasn’t surprised. He seemed like a ‘Beach House’ kinda guy anyway, to him.

“So you like alt-pop?” Y/N walked towards the boys with two glasses of red wine in her hands. “Have you heard of ‘peter cat recording co.’?” she asked Tom

“Yes I have! Oh, I thought nobody knew about them. I’m glad I found you”, Tom was filled with giddy excitement.

“PCRC it is, then”, Haz said in an annoyed tone. He grabbed the vinyl of ‘portrait of a time’, their first album, and placed it on the gramophone.

“Babe, where is your glass?” Haz asked Y/N.

“Oh I, shit I left it in the kitchen”

“No worries I’ll get it”, Haz kissed her cheek and left the living room.

Even though Y/N knew it was fake niceties, she still craved it. It felt nice, behaving like a normal couple instead of fighting over every damn thing, and him storming out of the house almost every night. Sometimes she felt that Harrison was a hypocrite. He would accuse her of cheating with every guy in her life, but wouldn’t be home nine out of ten times.

They were now seated on their wooden dining table, with dried flowers in the middle. Haz and Y/N were sitting opposite to Tom. There was Chinese takeout in their fancy china.

“Sorry about the take out, neither of us are good at cooking and we didn’t want you getting sick”, Y/N tried to justify the absence of a home cooked meal.

“It’s fine as long as I’m getting fed”, Tom chuckled.

“No actually all this food is only for Y/N and me”, Haz said, trying to sound serious.

That was a bad joke, all of them thought.

There was an awkward silence. Haz cleared his throat, “So Y/N, are you seeing someone?”

“Haz, you can’t just ask someone that!”

“It’s okay Y/N. No Haz, I’m not seeing anyone at the moment.” Tom said, blushing at the personal question.

“So you are single”, Haz said looking at Y/N, in an attempt to imply that she might be having an affair with him.

Trying to hide her annoyance, Y/N started serving the food. The rest of the dinner was normal. They talked about the movie and Haz did not spontaneously combust. In Y/N’s mind, it was near to a success. When Tom started to leave, Y/N offered to drop him to his apartment building, but he settled on walking him one block.

Y/N grabbed her jacket as they left the house. She pulled out a box of cigarettes from her pocket and offered Tom.

“Oh, I don’t smoke”

Y/N scuffed with a cigarette between her teeth.

“What kind of an English man are you?” she said, lighting her cigarette.

“Well you know it’s a common misconception, we don’t all smoke”

“That’s good to know”, she took a long drag.

“Also you might not like the wine I brought you. I realised pretty late that I should be getting you something because I was visiting your house for the first time, so I bought the best wine I could find in that convenience store”, he pointed towards the store a few metres away from them.

“Its fine, it’ll remind me of my youth”, they both laughed.

“I guess this is one block, you should go back home now”, Tom said while trying hail a cab by waving his right hand frantically, at the edge of the curb. He looked ridiculous.

“You clearly have never done this before” she laughed at him, turning Tom’s face red.

She stepped off the curb, to be seen clearly by the oncoming traffic, put out her arm and a cab was there in seconds.

“So I guess I’ll see you around” he said while pulling Y/N into a hug.

His touch made her hyper aware and same could be said for Tom. Y/N started to pull out but stopped half way. It felt like they were both looking inside each other’s soul through their eyes.

“Ay, lovebirds, you comin or not”, the cab driver screamed making them break away. He got in and Y/N closed the door for him. That’s when her phone pinged.

Haz: where are you, I’m going out.

[layce2015]

Neil Druckmann: Halley and I have written an outline for the plot of Last of Us 3. We're not working on it now, but I hope it sees the light of day one day.

Me:

Mr Druckmann,

1. You lied to the consumers, telling them that the franchise was always about Joel and Ellie.

2. You went and tried to ruin people's livelihood on YouTube who dared talk about your game when it leaked by putting strikes on their channel.

3. You overworked your coworkers to death, to the point where 70% of the people left after the game was released.

4. You blatantly tried to hide the fact that Abby was a playable character and hide her side of the story.

5. You used Joel as a marketing tool because you knew that's who everyone wanted to see when you damn well knew he would be killed in the first 2 HOURS OF THE FUCKING GAME!! Hell, in one of the trailers you put him in a scene that doesn't happen in the game, it's Jesse instead.

6. You have even gone and disregard legitimate criticisms of the game and labeled everyone who didn't like the game as bigots, sexist or misogynist.

7. You also lied and said we didn't have to kill dogs but yet there's a scripted moment where you have to kill a dog as it attacks Ellie.

8. You tried to make Ellie and Joel the bad guys and say that Abby is the real hero when she's a fucking psychopath who relishes in the violence while Joel and Ellie never did. They did it to protect themselves and survive.

9. You said that nobody else cares for the characters as much as you do but you have a funny way of showing that you love those characters.

Joel is beaten to death by a golf club and Ellie is punished for wanting to avenger her father figure while Abby "She-Hulk" Anderson is in the right for avenging her father.

Oh and for good measure, you had a character, that looked alot like you, spit on Joel's corpse.

10. You also knew, from play testers, that people wouldn't like the game and even some of the testers hated it. But instead of getting feedback and try to fix the story, you went ahead and shipped the game as is.

11. You retconned the message of the first game, which was about love and hope, finding the light. But in the second game the message is there is no light, just misery and revenge is bad and violence begets violence. (And if anyone says "but it's about forgiveness" I will find you and smack the shit outta you)

I'm sure there are more shady shit you have done before and after this game released but that's all I can recall now.

Oh and supposedly your company is working on a remake of The Last of Us for the PS5, which it really doesn't need it.

The word "remake" has me terrified. If its just to update graphics and game play, then thats fine. But I have a feeling, Mr Druckmann, that you're gonna try and change it to how you want so that it'll fit with Pt 2's narrative. (i.e. put Joel in a more villainous light and make the Fireflies the heroes)

But I implore you, please, please, PLEASE, do NOT make a Last of Us 3. You destroyed and ruined the characters of Joel and Ellie. You made a despicable, unlikable character and pushed her as the main character that we had to sympathize with.

You broke the trust of, not just gamers, but fans of your company and the fans of TLOU. And when that trust is broken, they might never come back.

I mean who the hell wants a TLOU 3?!?! There's nothing to go from here. No hope.

If this game does happen, I will NOT play it. My heart and trust is broken. I will also not play any games that you, Mr Druckmann, are involved in.

I am DONE with Naughty Dog from now on. I'll only play their older games like the Uncharted series and the Original Last of Us. Or should I say the ONLY Last of Us.

[mcmoth]

So... I just found the song Theseus by The oh hellos, which... really surprised I hadn't found it sooner, being both a dsmp and the oh hellos fan, but oh well. Anyways, I just wanted to ramble about how this song fits c!Tommy, cause my god... the animatic I could make with this,,,

Oh, and this was originally a YouTube comment, btw, so it's maybe less expansive or personal than my usual rambles here would be. I just thought to actually rather post this on tumblr and delete the comment as to not add to the pile of dsmp comments cluttering the original song's feedback ^^ here y'all go:

At the edges of my fingers

Never quite closing round it

Oh, that peace like a river

Always going, but never getting

- How c!Tommy is constantly on the move, always preparing the next plan, always striving for some closure, how his two main priorities right now are safety and honesty - peace - and he tries so hard to get it, always, but in the end, never seems to succeed.

Seems like maybe it's not all that much a place

As it is a way

And ways don't ever seem to want to

Stay too still for too long

- Reminds me heavy of L'manburg. At the start of it, Wilbur did say that L'manburg wasn't a place, it was it's people, it's ideals. Words over violence, fighting back against oppressive authority, and seeking a family. And that's still what c!Tommy holds close to this day. But... as we all know. L'manburg, as it stood, didn't last long in these idealistic hopes.

Isn't that what it's all about?

The slow trickling thaw that sets the banks in half

The sweet melody it makes when the canyons crack

I wanna give it all I've got, and I want nothing

I want nothing back

-The "I wanna give it all i've got, and I want nothing, I want nothing back" makes me envision the season 1 finale, when Tommy tried so hard to fight for L'manburg, against all odds. And as Techno shouted at him to give up on being a hero, he just yelled back that he never wanted to be one, didn't want to be anything, rather "just wanted L'manburg back". For all of them.

Also, the first 3 lines give off cool imagery - the division between the dsmp and L'manburg, the war, the split sides after the election for the "trickling thaw that sets the banks in half", and Wilbur's words and symphony, once hopeful, turned miserable, as it echoes against Pogtopia's walls for "melody it makes when the canyons crack".

Whatever kingdom come, it probably won't come quick

No mighty clarion to announce it

No single use ark to discard in an instant

Like Theseus's ship, we'll fix the busted bits

- makes me think of new L'manburg, of everyone trying to rebuild after the destruction - constructing on top of the remains. Integrating the losses into their future. The creation comes slow, and without fanfare - the healthy bit of it, at least. But that's what's important about it - being able to take something slow for once, and just... working towards something again.

'Til it's both nothing like and everything

It's always been

It's a wonder we expect a thing to

Stay the same at all

- Theseus' ship is a metaphor for how, if you take something apart, one by one, gradually changing it's parts 'till it's all replaced, is the ship still the same ship? Or is it something entirely different now? And I feel like that's an interesting way to view c!Tommy - so much has happened to him, all lives lost. He's lost his spark, he's regained it again, different now. He's lost his friends, he's regained them again, different now. He's lost his brother, he regained him again, different now. So many labels have been assigned to him - hero, liability, toy... is he even Tommy anymore, misaligned pieces of what used to be a full puzzle? Or... is it that, after everything, it's still just him...

Maybe that's what it's all about

We keep fixing what we know is only bound to break

What's worth saving is never worth letting go to waste

I want to mend what I've got, instead of throwing away

- This is so relevant for c!Tommy. Whatever is important to him, he refuses to throw away. The discs, his relationship with Tubbo, trying to reconcile with Techno, not giving up on Wilbur... His whole speech to Foolish, that one stream, highlights this well. If he loves someone, he will never let go. It's worth trying to mend, in his eyes, even if there's no guarantee it won't just break again. Just like his home, rebuilt dozens and dozens of times after all the griefs and opportunities to leave it. He always returns to what is close to him.

Ain't nothing come easy

No, nothing comes quick

It's gonna hurt like hell to become well

But if we set the bone straight

It'll mend It'll fix

And we'll be well

- c!Tommy's whole story has been painful. He gets beat down, more often than not. He goes to get closure in prison, and he returns undead. His bones shattered, feeling reality altered. But he still tries. Still tries to figure out what to do next, what to save next, even as he's tired to the bone. And there's something to say, about that - about how he tried, despite the pain. His healing process is such a mess, but it's a healing process all the same.

Ain't nothing come easy

No, nothing comes quick

But I want for you this, that you are well

I want for us this, that we are well

- That's what c!Tommy wants, in the end. For everyone to be safe from torment, and to have fun. For everyone to be well. It isn't easy, and he's not perfect, and his edges are sharp enough to cut, but he wishes nonetheless. He tends to the server, he asks c!Dream why he doesn't hurt after leaving everything, he preserves Ranboo's flowers; he just wants everything to be okay.

We are well, we are well

We are well, we are well

We are well

- And they will be, I hope. Because if there's one thing that c!Tommy's story has shown, after all the fighting, abuse, arguments, death and grief - it's that he's still alive, and hanging onto hope... And though things are bleak, I'm hoping one day, the whole server, not just c!Tommy, will be able to say "we are well", too.

So... Yeah. Check out the oh hellos if y'all haven't already, their music is wonderful <3

[centurypark]

Masterpost

Hi guys!

So I love cartoons and have had an idea for one floating around for awhile and decided to try and make it a reality. Before we start, some basic rules for interacting:

1. I, the current mod, am a minor. Adults are more than welcome to interact but please keep my age in mind. I'm totally comfortable with swearing but avoid nsfw stuff and flirting with me and anything like that unless you know me and I've given you permission.

2. The standard DNI. No racism, homophobia, transphobia, antisemitism, ableism, et cetera. I myself am bisexual and genderqueer, and this show is going to have a diverse cast, so keep all that to yourself. You too, terfs.

Now onto the good stuff!

The show follows two best friends: Echo (they/them,) an Indigenous 14 year old with ADHD; and Molly (she/her,) a 14 year old autistic lesbian. While wandering around in the woods, they stumble upon an abandoned amusement park that was never there before. They fall through a portal into a new world, gaining magical abilities and joining a rebellion against the corrupt ruler, Q.

This show is in the very beginning stages. I'm still learning art basics and don't currently have a good animation program to work with, so I'm literally starting from scratch here. The good news: you'll get to follow my show's journey from the beginning! The bad news: it's going to take quite some time to get any real content.

I'm planning on making this show as diverse as possible, both sexuality and gender-wise and race-wise. Because I'm not Indigenous, or Black, or South Asian, this means a LOT of research. (Which is another reason this is going to take awhile. Hopefully it'll be totally worth it though!) While this research includes, and will include, a lot about harmful stereotypes to avoid, if I do write a character that's hurtful to a community in any way PLEASE call me out on it. I definitely am not going into this with the intention to hurt anyone, but I know good intentions only go so far.

Sensitivity readings

Basically, if you are a part of a community that I'm hoping to represent in my show, I'll invite you to come and read over the script and see some designs and maybe some episodes depending on when you join the team. While I'm not able to pay anyone rn and won't be anytime soon, every sensitivity reader who gives feedback will be credited in multiple places.

Dm me to join the discord and sensitivity read for us

If you're a person of color who likes to draw, animate, or write animated shows, feel free to help! We'd love to have you.

To help work on the show, apply here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc0kFbdXMsl_oZF8uGWKBQoVLF7pOomlvAyQK8r-Z9hq-We0A/viewform

We are still in need of animators, storyboarders, and sound editors, although we have spots open in most positions.

We are in need of someone to be a mod on Twitter, apply or dm me @/owlscbooks if you're interested.

So where will we be able to watch it?

Most likely youtube.

My askbox is open! Love you all!

[sunshine-stars]

I probably won’t end up writing this but I’m having so much fun with the jatp six of crows au so:

SPOILERS FOR SIX OF CROWS AND CROOKED KINGDOM

Reggie is Nina

They’re both bi

Love food so much

Wear red

I wanna see him with heart render powers but hate having to use them cuz his parents always fought and used them against each other ouch

I can’t describe it but it just FITS

Dates Matthias (WHO WONT DIE IN THIS CUZ I LOVE HIM)

Willie is Jesper

Adhd

I would love to see him with Jesper’s cocky attitude

The guns omg

Gay

I can see him having trouble with gambling cuz he always think that this time he’ll get it right

(OMG THERES A MUSIC VIDEO ON YOUTUBE WHERE THAT LINE IS ABOUT JESPER AND ITS AMAZING HERE)

Suppressing his powers - prolly doesn’t realize he’s a powerful ghost in jatp and doesn’t realize he’s a Fabrikator

And it just fits that his mom died when he was young and he has a dad he always feel like he’s disappointing ouch

Hopelessly in love with Wylan

Alex is Wylan

Blonde lol

Gay

Idk if he’ll have dyslexia simply cuz I don’t and I don’t want to represent it wrong so I’ll either not include it or do tons of research about it

Realistically I could write him with a stutter instead cuz I have one but idk

Dad doesn’t accept him because he’s gay and maybe dyslexia and treats him like he’s stupid and worthless ouch

It just kinda seems like Alex would’ve had a rich snobby family

I project onto both of these characters

Dating Jesper

Or wait maybe Alex should be Matthias idk I’m just brainstorming rn

Ofc he’d still have anxiety and he’d just make a lot more sarcastic comments than does in the books

THE BANTER BETWEEN HIM AND WILLIE

Julie is Inej

BADASS SPY JULIE OMG

Also tell me Inej isn’t a lil bit gay cuz her and Nina obviously flirted in the books

And Julie’s bi so it fits

She seems like she’d be the most religious out of all of them

Cuz cross and stuff and just imagine Julie praying to the saints after her mother died and just ouch

After losing her mom she walked away to the next town and got kidnapped and ouch

But in this they find her in Fijerda and are just so amazing

Imagine her saying “I will have you without armour, or I won’t have you at all” to Luke

Dates Luke

Luke is Kaz

Ik this seems weird but hear me out

Ran away with older brother cuz parents didn’t accept his love for music and other reasons

Why am I making everyone run away in this omg oh well

Then older brother dies ouch

So Luke completely turns to music and closes himself to get by and joins the Dregs and ends up at the top

But he’s less closed off and scary as Kaz cuz I just can’t see that but still a bit less Luke like

I feel like Luke would actually be scary smart but the impulsiveness and puppy dog ness just gets in the way so people don’t realize that

Dates Kaz

Bobby is Matthias

Gremlin done with your shit energy

I can see him with backwards ideals in Fijerda and coming to Kerch and just being like what everything I learned is wrong???

DOESNT DIE IN THIS

I don’t have a lot of strong reasons for this but I can feel it

Dates Nina

Carrie

Matthias’ sister

Goes to Kerch with him

Same everything I learned is wrong???? But has a harder time accepting it

Insecurities

Enemies to lovers Flarrie

Flynn

Went on a walk with Julie and got captured with her ouch

But they stayed together the whole time

Just awesome dynamic with Julie

Enemies to lovers Flarrie

Anddddd more plot stuff

It’d be more lighthearted than six of crows but more heavy than jatp

Ya know how the original crew was Kaz Inej and Jesper

Instead it’ll be Kaz/Luke, Wylan/Alex, Nina/Reggie, Matthias/Bobby, and some Carrie

Kaz is the same

Wylan/Alex runs away/gets kicked out a lot sooner and Kaz recruits him sooner

Nina/Reggie is the same but a bit more with them than at the start of six of crows

Matthias/Bobby and Carrie get freed by Kaz a lot sooner

Matthias/Bobby and Nina/Reggie HATE each other and can’t stand to be around each other but eventually fall in love

Matthias/Bobby is constantly annoyed with all of them but needs them to survive but secretly is fond of them

Carrie joins in sometimes

Inej/Julie and Flynn come in a lot later and Kaz/Luke saves them before they go to the brothel

Jesper/Willie goes to Kerch a bit later and Wylan/Alex recruits him instead of the other way around

They obviously do the heist

And they have a lil band

ALEX/WYLAN PLAYS DRUMS AND FLUTE

Wow I got carried away with this

Any feedback is really appreciated!!!! Feel free to make suggestions or whatever!!!

[skullsandwineglasses]

Hi! There is a show: ZYW and some other guy travel for 3 days. From what I've seen, it's his morning routine to warm up his vocal cords Also ZYW is hugging trees and basically most of the time they eat lol Also they talk a lot, so I guess it should be cool to understand. When you have two minutes, could you tell us what this show is about in general? The name on youtube: 《仅三天可见》[第六期] 姜思达 周一围｜一个冠军给我带来了无妄之灾 Perhaps they're visiting some place important to ZYW? Thank you so much for all your help!)

Yeah, so in brief, the show is about the host, Jiang Sida (JSD), who spends 3 days with a celebrity in each episode to try to understand them better. 

ZYW in particular is a celebrity who really interested Jiang Sida because of how quickly ZYW gained popularity after Birth of an Actor, and also because of all of the negative rumours swirling around his personal life. ZYW is often insulted by the media for being 油腻, which means greasy. Greasy is an insult used to describe older, middle-aged men who are sleazy, self-absorbed, and on the heavier or chubbier side, although sometimes this insult can be leveled at younger, in-shape male celebrities too who come off as kind of douchey. 

It’s sad because even though ZYW doesn’t often express it, you can tell that the rumours do get to him. For instance, during the first meal in the show, he wanted to use a toothpick, but he was wary about using it in front of the cameras so he pocketed it away. The host noticed this and sympathized and playfully said, “Ah, too protective of your image. Stop the camera. Let’s go upstairs to the third floor, I understand you.”

The vocal cord warm up (that occurred during the hike before that meal) happened because ZYW asked JSD “you studied production right, not broadcast? If you studied broadcast, this would be a good place to practice your sound”, to which JSD replied, “show me” (or, “give one”). ZYW proceeded to demonstrate a dantian qi exercise. 

In the voiceover during the hike, JSD  said that even though they were friendly, things were still a little awkward and distant between them since they hadn’t gotten to know each other yet. 

On the third floor rooftop, JSD opened up to ZYW about a film he wanted to write about. JSD shared his ideas to ZYW, saying that the film would tell the story of his father who spends a year away at sea fishing. ZYW then shares his feedback, saying that it’s a really meaningful story because it’s about the loneliness of a man out at sea. Basically, this conversation is what finally allowed JSD to connect to ZYW because they were finally talking about deep and thoughtful topics like the art of storytelling and life lessons. ZYW said to JSD, you need to think about what kind of perspective you want to show. Is the story about the son’s feelings about his father’s return, or is the story the father’s story at sea, and the son is just an observer meant as a stand-in for the audience? ZYW then said that he was pleasantly surprised to learn about this side of JSD because he now knows that JSD is able to understand him. He also encourages JSD to keep pursuing his dream of wanting to make this movie. It doesn’t matter whether the end result is good or not, but it’s a joy to be able wake up everyday and pursue your goal. JSD says that he spends everyday thinking about this story he’s creating, because he wants to get to know the story better since it’s still so unfamiliar and foreign to him. 

During the tea segment, JSD asked ZYW if he was bothered by the things the media says about him and he kind of just shrugs it off and says that it grounds him. They talk about how he used to love karaoke (KTV) when he was younger, JSD asked him what his wife likes about him, and ZYW said that you have to ask his wife why. ZYW mentioned how people would call him PUA, or “pick up artist”, and then JSD if those things bothered him. ZYW said that he learned to ignore those things, but they do bother his wife. The tea segment ends with them noting that it looks like it’s about to rain soon, and ZYW says, when it rains, you can choose to stand in the rain, or avoid it and go indoors. 

During the evening meal, ZYW is asked again about how he feels about what people say about him and why he doesn’t address the rumours. ZYW says that it’s pointless because his voice alone isn’t going to make all the rumours stop. JSD says that it could be cathartic to be able to yell back at people, and ZYW laughs and says it’ll only be for a moment’s satisfaction but it won’t change anything. When asked if he is a person who likes to win, ZYW said that he likes to finish things, but does that make him someone who likes to win? He doesn’t compare himself to others, but he just wants to do what’s expected of him. JSD then tells ZYW that the director of the show asked him if he was worried that netizens would accuse him of trying to use this show to try to rescue ZYW’s image (洗白, which means to “wash white”, or clear someone’s name). JSD tells ZYW that his goal is to present celebrities in an honest and genuine manner, and if it just so happens that the celebrity is actually a better person than what netizens thought, then that’s the truth and he’s not fabricating anything. 

The following evening, they have a conversation about happiness. ZYW says that he doesn’t compare between the years in his life or classify certain years or decades as being bad years or good years. He doesn’t wish to forget the bad years. He says, why would you need to forget the bad years?

By the river, ZYW asks JSD if he ever thought about what kind of animal he wanted to be. JSD says that it doesn’t really matter what animal, but if you asked him if he would rather become someone else, he’d say no. ZYW says that not wanting to be another person is a pretty good answer. 

During the final sit-down interview, JSD starts off the conversation by saying that ZYW looks relaxed most of the time, but he’s actually 绷 (”beng”) on the inside, meaning stretched-tight. ZYW asks how so. JSD says that ZYW is constantly noticing things around him, and avoiding things and people and cameras. ZYW says that it’s part of his job to notice more details more than the average person. In terms of avoiding cameras, he’s constantly being scrutinized, there are always cameras around him. Even during this interview, they have to put on a show of being relaxed in casual conversation, even though there’s a whole sea of cameras and people with mics and earpieces around them. So it’s only natural to want to try to find a balance between reel and real life by being a little aversive towards cameras and people’s scrutiny.  

JSD then says that ZYW seems like he has a lot of thoughts that he keeps to himself. JSD says ZYW is 拧巴 (”ning ba”) , which kind of means uncomfortable, awkward, restless, wanting to do something but not doing it, like for example, being uncomfortable with rumours but not addressing them. ZYW says that what’s the point of explaining? How is it meaningful? Will explaining something change you as a person? You are still you whether you choose to explain something you not. Likewise, you are still you despite the rumours. The rumours (no matter how bad they are) don’t change who you are. Only you know who you are.

This really reminds me of what Xiao Qi said in episode 64 of TRP: “If there’s anything that needs to be explained, then no matter how much you try to explain it, it’s never going to be explained away. Let them spread the rumours.”

ZYW explains that there is no way that a single word or statement from him can possibly fend off the tens of thousands of words from netizens, so there is no point. In addition, rumours are only momentary and they ebb and flow. The netizens are always going to look for a new rumour or scandal to talk about anyway, so the uproar about him is only temporary. 

ZYW also says that there will always be rumours. There’s no truth. He will never expect that a single interview can change people’s minds. First of all, the viewers can’t experience the conversation in the same way the he and JSD are currently experiencing the conversation now in this moment. The audience will be watching it through a screen. The audience will only seeing an edited recording of the conversation, but they will never be able to know or understand the “true” nature of the conversation that he and JSD are having right now because the audience isn’t here with them. This is actually some really deep and philosophical insight from ZYW lol. What is real? What is the truth? 

JSD asks ZYW is this means that he’s disappointed and lost faith with the audience. ZYW says no, this is just reality. We can only hope to influence people who are able to influence, like people in our immediate circle, but when it comes to noise or mass opinions, you don’t have control over that. 

JSD then asks about fatherhood. JSD says that most men would talk about how fatherhood has changed them. ZYW says that most of his friends talk about this, but he doesn’t. But if he doesn’t talk about it, does he think about it? ZYW pauses to reflect. In another interview, ZYW noted that all kids have their own life “scripts” that they act out and deal with (this was in response to how he doesn’t seem to be home often to be with his kid). In that interview, he said that that was the way in which he had to grow up, figuring out his own script (and essentially not relying on anyone), so he doesn’t expect it to be any different for his own child. This once again result in the media backlash against him and questioning his role as a father. Which is why when faced with this question from JSD now, ZYW has to pause to think carefully about how to answer. 

JSD asks why can’t ZYW give a straightforward answer for the audience. The audience doesn’t want to hear an answer buried in layers of meaning, but they just want a simple answer to things. ZYW says that sometimes he isn’t completely sure of what the answer to something is, and so he can’t give a straight answer. It would be easy to give the answer that the audience wants, but he needs to be able to give answer that is genuine and resonates with him. 

JSD asks how ZYW would respond if the audience calls him self-absorbed. ZYW turns the question back to JSD and asks him to provide a response for him because he doesn’t know how to. ZYW said that he would just not respond and let it pass. On top of that, ZYW says that he doesn’t think of himself as being self-absorbed at all. He’s actually dissatisfied with himself in a lot of ways, and all he wants is for the audience to not pay attention to him so that he can be peacefully left alone. 

JSD asks if ZYW is he is more afraid of being criticized or being forgotten. ZYW says that being forgotten would mean that there is a problem with his acting skills. In terms of being criticized, it would depend on the criticism. He would mind criticism towards his acting because he would want to improve any problems in craft. However, if it’s personal criticism, then he doesn’t care. 

ZYW says that someone he admires once said, it’s a complicated world out there, so find a comfortable position, change positions, and learn to live with it.

JSD’s second last question to ZYW is whether he’d rather choose a comfortable position/posture or a beautiful position/posture. ZYW said that he would choose a comfortable position. JSD asks if ZYW thinks his current “posture” looks good (i.e., if his current standing and image is favourable). ZYW asks that you’ll have to ask someone else in order to know. 

The last question asked whether ZYW can predict how this interview will be received by audience. ZYW says that they touched upon many deep topics, but it’s hard to say what kind of effect it will have on the audience, or how the audience would choose to interpret it. He’ll welcome thoughtful discussion, but it would regretful if the audience took away very superficial things from the discussion. 

JSD asks if ZYW is happy with the discussion today. ZYW says that if it weren’t for the cameras, they could have gone deeper into some topics, but because there are cameras, he has to have impose boundaries on the things he’s willing to reveal. But he says that he would be interested in having more private conversations with JSD.  

JSD ends the episode saying that ZYW is an old soul who knows himself, knows what he wants, and already has his own “world” (meaning he already has what he needs). 

lol I was at first only going to summarize the first few minutes of the episode, but I ended up watching the whole thing because I was so memorized by ZYW’s insights, so here you go, a scene by scene summary of the episode. 

For those curious, you can watch it here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzt31O7imS4

[absolutepx]

So I've been playing Death Stranding lately. Wait, that's not what this post is about. Well, it kind of is. Hang on. What is Death Stranding about?

A: Norman Reedus getting bare ass naked B. Sneaking around ghosts with the help of your sidekick, an actual baby C: Carrying 50 Amazon packages up a hill while trying to not topple over D: Waking up in the morning and drinking 5 Monster Energy™ for breakfast

For those following along at home, the answer is actually none of the above. Despite the set dressing being bizarre to the point of near absurdity, what the game is actually about, like thematically, is actually really simple.

See, the development of Death Stranding was actually quite a trip. Hideo Kojima is the video game world's equivalent of an auteur director. He has a very recognizable personal style. It's thoroughly horny – he caught a bunch of shit for the design of Quiet in MGSV, but like, a lot of Kojima characters are just -like that-, including the dudes. Also, this is going to possibly be important later.

Anyway, so Kojima was going to do a rebootmakequel of Silent Hill, and the demo actually made it to the PS store and I could actually write a whole side essay about why P.T. (it was called P.T. for some reason btw) was brilliant game design for how it used the same hallway over and over and it was somehow beneficial to the overall feeling of horror. So Konami it turns out kinda sucks nowadays and they like, fired Kojima (they were huge dicks about it behind closed doors, too) and scrapped the project and kicked him out on the street and kept the Metal Gear series which was his baby (literally the baby in the sink in P.T., he snuck a bunch of messaging about the Konami situation into the demo like a breakup album) and Kojima would go on to form his own studio and poach some of the people who worked with him to boot. So the thing about Kojima is this: he's got a reputation for already putting some wild shit in his games, like a ladder that takes like 10 real time minutes to climb in MGS3 for dramatic effect, and a boss in MGS3 that summons the ghosts of all the people you were too lazy to stealth past and killed, or a sniper battle with a really old guy that he wanted to have last two weeks or some shit until he died of old age but he was "told that "this was impossible and not recommended." That is a real quote I just looked up. So he's coming off the heels of making this hugely successful game with MGSV and the hype of the P.T. Demo and he fucking, he like took all the people that were going to be working on P.T. Along like Guillermo Del Toro was going to co-write it and Norman Reedus was going to star in it, and he's like, I'm going to make this game called Death Stranding. And the first trailer comes out for it and it's completely nuts. Norman Reedus wakes up naked on a beach crying with a baby and there are floating people in the sky? So we're all like hooooooly shit, there's no one to tell him "this is impossible and not recommended" anymore. What's he going to make now!?

So the whole time the game is in development I keep seeing these tweets where it'll be like, Kojima and one of his homies smiling with some saccharine message about being spiritual warriors and changing the world. And not just Del Toro and Reedus, there was Mads Mikkelsen (another guy Kojima puts in the game just because he apparently loves him), and the band Chvches, and also like, Keanu Reeves at one point? You know how everyone has just kind of accepted that Keanu is a being of light? Here he was endorsing Kojima. The hype was pretty confused and frantic.

The game eventually comes out. A lot of game journos hate it because I think there was this expectation it was going to be, you know, less weird and have more of the conventional structure of a video game. That's not to say the average gamer wasn't also dismissive of it, but I think on the ground level there was more of an understanding that like, yeah, Kojima just be like that sometimes.

Because the game was a timed console exclusive and your homie don't play like that, I spent the first year or so cautiously viewing Death Stranding from a distance. I wasn't sure I was going to like it – except for being really impressed with P.T., I wasn't actually a big fan of Kojima's games as games – but I -was- sure that I was going to buy it, because of the way Konami fucked him over, just out of support. And the shit I was hearing was really out there. The primary mode of gameplay is just delivery packages. You collect Norman Reedus' bathwater and pee and use it as grenades. You get a motorcycle that looks like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus, and when you sit on it, his character in the game says "Wow, this thing is like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus!"

But I didn't really want to know that much about it. Something has that much fucking crazy person energy, you want to go in mostly blind, right? So maybe people just weren't talking about this, or maybe I wasn't seeing it, but then I watched Girlfriend Reviews' video about it and they came right out and said it (link provided if you want to hear Shelby say it more articulately than me):

Death Stranding is basically about the exact opposite of Twitter. It's about remembering how to be kind to each other, how to reconnect in a world where people are so often hostile to each other by default. Prophetically, it's about a world where people are afraid to go outside or touch other people and how damaging that is. It's not a game about carrying packages, it's a game about helping people by being brave enough to walk through a wasteland carrying their burdens because they can't. It's about rebuilding the lost connections between people, about restoring roads and giving people hope. I bet, for Kojima and the people close to him, it's about how to answer hostility with compassion. You can't kill people in Death Stranding. You can and are absolutely encouraged to fucking throw hands with people sometimes, but all the tools and weapons are nonlethal. So I think Kojima took all the Twitter heat he got over the Quiet nontroversy, and all the feelings of isolation he had from Konami separating him from his team during the end of the development of MGSV, and all the support and encouragement he got from his bros Del Toro and Mads and the rest, and decided to channel that into making a game that was a statement about all of it. And sure, it's a little heavy handed, and sure, it's a little saccharine, and sure, the gameplay sometimes borders on miserable in service of creating emotional payoffs. For me, especially in 2020, this message is a huge success. Social media should be an opportunity for all of us to feel more connected to each other, yet primarily it feels like one of the main forces driving people apart. Why is that? Why is the internet of today such a hostile place? I'm old enough to remember web 1.0: I can haz cheezburger memes; YTMND; the early wild west days of Youtube... What happened to us? I've thrown the blame at Twitter in the past, and I think the architecture of the user experience on Twitter is absolutely a big piece of the puzzle, because it fosters negative interactions. But in terms of the behavior, people have observed that 2018 Twitter was actually almost exactly like 2014 Tumblr. (For the record, Tumblr is now one of the chillest places left on the internet, because so few fucks are left to give.)

I think part of it is the anonymity. The dehumanizing disconnection of the separation of screens and miles. Louis CK, before he was cancelled, had a great point about cyberbullying, and why it's so much more savage than kids are IRL. When you pick on someone in person and you are confronted with seeing the pain you caused them, for most sane people it causes negative feedback and you become disgusted with your actions and eventually learn to stop being a shithead. Online, at best you can "break the wrist, walk away".

At worst, you can become addicted to "clout chasing" and the psychological thrill of being cheered on by your social ingroup. It's even worse if you feel like it's not bullying and your actions are justified because whoever you've targeted is a bad person so you don't have to feel bad about what you do to them. This is where reductive, unhelpful catchphrases like "punch a nazi" come in. For every argument, one or both sides have convinced themselves that the other side is subhuman because their beliefs are so disgusting. And sometimes it's even true! A lot of times, especially these days, people really are acting like animals or worse online. Entire disinformation engines are roaring day and night, churning out garbage and cluttering the social consciousness. (Kojima talked about this bit, too, way back in MGS2. As if I wasn't already in danger of losing my thread through this.)

The human brain was not built to live like this. You can't wake up every morning, roll over and open your phone, and be immediately faced with a tidal wave of anger and indignity. It wasn't built to be aware of fully how horrible the world is at any moment ALL AT ONCE, ALL THE TIME. And you will be. Because of another way that our brain works – the way we are more likely to share negative opinions. And because of the cottage industry built on farming outrage clicks, and because of constant performative activism.

It's not that I don't agree that being informed is important.

It's not that I don't agree that the causes people get riled up about are important.

They are. They absolutely are.

But we can't keep living like this. The constant, unending flood of tragedy, arguments, and hot takes. How much of the negativity we associate with online culture is the product of this feedback loop? What if the rise of doomer culture has been, if not entirely created by, has been nourished and exacerbated by our hostile attitudes toward each other?  Incels and TERFs, white supremacists, radfems, tankies and Trumpers – it seems like on every side of every issue, there are people simultaneously getting it wrong in multiple directions at once and there are more being radicalized every day. They are the toxic waste left behind by the state of discourse. And any hill is a hill worth dying on.

So what am I actually advocating? I don't know. There are a lot of fights going on right now that are important and we can't just climb into bunkers and ignore our problems hoping that Norman Reedus and his fine ass are going to leave the shit we need on our doorsteps. We need to find the strength to carry those hypothetical packages for ourselves sometimes - and hopefully, for others as well. Humans are social creatures. We need interaction and enrichment.

We need love.

So just try to remember the connections between humanity. Try to put more good stuff into the world when you can. Share more shitposts and memes. Tell your friends and family that you love them. Share good news when you hear it. Go on a weird fucking tangent about Death Stranding. Find a way to "be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes."