#but I will keep just being proud of myself for freeing myself when i realized the truth of everything

[allofuswantgwinam]

after having all this time to sit here and reevaluate everything with my ex and to have to accept that he really did not gaf about me has been such a roller coaster fr. i a was so brainwashed and lied to it’s disgusting

[foldingfittedsheets]

I am a little creature largely made up of anxieties. There have been times in my life when it was worse. It’s currently significantly better. This story takes place at a time when it was pretty bad.

Food was a prison for me. I moved out early with very little idea of how to feed or care for myself. Every meal was a question mark. For three years I had Brendan doing most of the cooking but when things ended between us I moved in with some other friends. I suddenly had no way to feed myself again.

I was working at the sex shop and living with all my coworkers; a premise that would make sitcom writers weep. In that house, at the age of 24, I learned how to fry an egg. It was the only thing I knew how to do but by god, I mastered egg frying. I was so proud. I could now have one stress free meal a day of an egg on toast.

The problem was my roommates. Living with three other people is already tough but messes pile up alarmingly fast, especially in the kitchen. No one sees the whole mess as their responsibility but the one person who’s responsibility it absolutely wasn’t was mine, as I only ever cooked eggs. Glaciers moved quicker than the dishes got done, mountains of greasy unwashed dish ware were fixtures across the counters.

My friends occasionally cooked for me and each time I happily cleaned all the resulting dishes. This seemed fair.

But on my own I only used three implements for my egg. When I finished with my spatula, pan, and plate, I carefully washed them and set them to dry. Every time I came back to the kitchen there was nothing clean.

Crusted on ketchup, dried food, and unsavory residues plagued everything I needed to touch. So I ended up doing all the dishes twice, once to use my three implements and again once I was done.

I started to realize I’d come home, see the filthy pile of dishes, then go to bed without eating because I didn’t have the energy to wash it all. So I finally addressed my roommates about it. Please, I beseeched them, can these three things always be clean. I cannot function like this, and eating is already hard for me.

The answer returned: no. My request was deemed unreasonable and a counteroffer was made to turn off the small space heater I ran in my room in exchange for them magnanimously cleaning up after themselves. I declined, as my bones ached with cold everywhere except my room since no one else wanted the heat on. The impasse continued. I went to be hungry.

I noodled on it. I schemed. I plotted. And on my day off I went to a thrift shop and acquired a nice little pan and spatula. I squirreled them away into my closet. The plan was just to wash and dry it after meals and keep it in my room.

This is not how it went down. On day one of my pan coming home one of my roommates popped into my room to chat, glanced into my three quarters shut closet and immediately said, “What is that?”

I sighed and admitted my plan. All three roommates roundly condemned my plan as extremely passive aggressive. I tried once again to explain that I wasn’t eating, but my secret pan was now a source of contention, a precious resource held back from the collective.

Their discontent reached a fever pitch and I finally declared, “Fine! I will put my pan in the kitchen. On one condition. If I ever find this pan dirty, ever, I will scrape whatever is left on it into your bedding. I swear to god, if I ever come home to it being dirty there will be a reckoning.”

Terms were agreed.

The first month or two went okay. On the third month I awoke to eat breakfast and found my precious pan sullied. I grabbed it and marched upstairs. Betty was named as the culprit. I strode into Betty’s room and stood over her sleeping form like the vengeful ghost of dishes past.

“If you don’t get up and clean this right now I’m going to dump it on your bed.”

Betty groggily regarded me. “Seriously?”

“I have never been more serious.”

“It’s one time, can’t you just clean it yourself?”

“No. You promised.”

With much huffing and grousing Betty arose from bed and tromped downstairs, hastily cleaning my pan while I watched. “Happy?” She demanded.

I was. I made my egg, cheerfully cleaning the pan afterward, leaving it to dry.

[starsofteal]

Daylight

Halsin x Tav // Halsin x Reader

Summary: Tav misinterprets Halsin’s declarations, thinking he must not want her as much as she wants him. Can Halsin convince her of his love? A/N: Well, my first Halsin fic is here! Based off this dialogue from the game, featuring a classic miscommunication trope. When I first came across this dialogue, I found myself rather disappointed by Halsin’s declaration, and I realized I was focusing on all the wrong parts of it. I couldn’t get the idea out of my head, so here we have a scenario in which Tav has done the same. This fic is so self-indulgent it should be a crime. Warnings: Hurt/Comfort (emphasis on the comfort—I promise all’s well that ends well). Pretty spoiler free, except for the opening dialogue if you’re romancing Halsin and you want all that to be a surprise. 

“Relationship?” A deep chuckle rumbles in Halsin’s chest. A sinking feeling settles into your gut. You weren’t sure what to expect when you broached the topic of a potential relationship, but a laugh? A direct blow from an enemy sword would have hurt less. 

“Such terms belong to civilization—a little unfamiliar to my lips.” His words continued, but that soft smile, those kind eyes, the strong, steadfast shape of Halsin, it all begins to shift, distorting just slightly as traitorous tears prick at your eyes. A quick bite of your inner cheek reminds you to hold steady, to not let the tears fall—by every star in that gods damned sky, you are not going to let him see you cry. 

“…you and I should each seek happiness wherever it lies…”

He’s still going on? You think to yourself. How long can one rejection take? You bite your cheek even harder, a coppery tang bursting on your tastebuds. 

Halsin’s words echo in your mind, despite the fact that his monologue seems to continue, piercing your heart again and again, the pain stealing the breath from your lungs. You will yourself to take in another breath.

“Let others know the happiness of being with you.” Halsin smiles down on you, not an ounce of malice in those soft green eyes. The staunch difference between his kindhearted gaze and the red-hot pain radiating in your chest was nearly laughable. In fact, at that very moment, you were unsure if your next steps would include crying, laughing, or launching an all out assault on the mountain of a man before you—an action that would surely not work out in your favor given the comical size difference between you two. 

In the end, it was all you could do to offer a small, meager, “I see.” It’s a notable effort to keep the emotion from your voice, but you’re proud of the attempt all the same.

A frown breaks out across Halsin’s face, his brows knitting together in confusion. “Have I said something wrong, my heart?” 

Those two words are a slap to your face. You don’t trust yourself to speak, not again, so without a word you turn and make your way to your tent as fast as your feet can take you. 

The fabric barely has time to fall in place behind you before the warm tears finally break free. 

_________

Two days had passed since the incident. While you wanted nothing more than to mope about on your bedroll and avoid Halsin altogether, your situation doesn’t exactly allow for such luxuries. 

Which is how you find yourself in the woods with Shadowheart, foraging for ingredients to top off your party’s supply of potions and tonics. Though you left early in the morning, the sun glares bright overhead now. Wiping a bead of sweat from your brow, you crouch low beneath a bush and scan the area for the bright violet blooms Shadowheart had you scouting for. 

“I just don’t understand why you had to drag me out for this,” you fuss at your friend as thorns from the underbrush prick your side. Your clothing offers little protection against natures most irritating defenses. 

“Surely there’s…someone more suited to this than I.” Your following scowl can’t be entirely blamed by the literal thorn in your side, not as thoughts of Halsin flash through your mind once more. 

Shadowheart hums absentmindedly. “Yes, this is true. Halsin is more in tune with the forest,” she mutters, collecting something from the earth too small for your eyes to make out. A soft clink tells you the specimen makes it into the glass bottle. “I was actually hoping to talk to you about that,” Shadowheart continues, popping the cork back on the bottle and tucking it away. 

“About what?” You hiss as another thorn embeds itself in your palm. You toss a scowl her way before distracting yourself from the conversation as you fiddle with removing the thorn. You’re not sure which hurts worse, the abrupt change in conversation topic or the wound in your hand. Impervious to your dirty looks, Shadowheart makes her way over to you. 

“Well, you two were nearly inseparable. Absolutely enamored with each other—anyone could see it.” She takes your hand into her own to assess the damage.

“And now, well, if I’m being completely honest dear, you’re rather dour, you seldom leave your tent, or you’re looking for any excuse to get away from the party—sorry this’ll only hurt a second.” You wince as she pulls the thorn free and presses hard on the wound to stanch any bleeding. “And, well, Halsin’s been…unusually forlorn. Like a poor dog that’s been kicked in the stomach.” 

With a scoff you withdraw your hand, taking care to apply pressure to it just as Shadowheart had done. 

“I couldn’t care less what Halsin’s been doing.” The lie is ash on your tongue. 

Shadowheart looks at you then, really looks at you. You try your best not to fidget under her assessing gaze. 

“What happened?” 

“I—“ 

“And don’t bother lying to me,” she’s quick to interrupt. “Save it for someone else. I know something has been bothering you.” 

Resignation floods you. Leave it to Shadowheart to see right through your bravado and into your heart. 

“I was a fool for thinking he could ever be happy with me.” The words are soft as they fall from your lips, but they burn your heart all the same. A firm weight falls on your shoulder as Shadowheart offers an encouraging hand. 

“Tell me everything.”

_______

Halsin’s voice calls out your name from just outside Shadowheart’s tent. His low timbre still brings a tightness to your chest, but you will yourself to breathe normally. You’d been doing your best to avoid him since getting back to camp with Shadowheart, but you suppose now is as good a time as any to rip that particular bandage off. 

“Yes, Halsin?” You ask matter of factly, not even looking up from the array of ingredients you’re currently sorting through. You pointedly ignore his gaze as he steps into the tent, taking up a majority of the albeit limited empty space. 

Halsin clears his throat, clearly uncertain how to proceed. You two had always shared such an easygoing openness between you,  but the last two days had left him scrambling for purchase. 

“I was hoping we could talk,” Halsin smiles down at you, undeterred by your clear avoidance. 

“Mm, we are talking.” You collect up one of the empty potion bottles, wiping at a smudge spot with the edge of your tunic. 

Halsin forces a chuckle, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “Of course we are, but, erm, perhaps we could go for a walk? Enjoy some of nature’s company for the evening?”

“That won’t be necessary.” Your tone is sharper than you’d intended, but the guilt passes over you in a second as you replay his words in your mind, his scoff when you so much as mentioned a potential relationship. 

Halsin sighs. He had hoped that his 300 odd years of experience would give him a leg up in navigating this prickly conversation, but—as is usual when you’re involved—his heart and his tongue seem to be tripping over one another. 

 “My heart,“

That gets your attention. Your gaze snaps up to his, laced with venom. 

“You do not get to call me that. Not anymore.” 

Halsin feels his own chest start to cave in as the hurt flashes across your face—you master it a moment later, but the damage is done. 

“I’m not sure what I’ve done to upset you,” he starts, but you interject again. 

“It’s fine. I’m not upset,” you force some neutrality back in your voice. “You weren’t interested in things continuing between us, and that’s fine. Nothing to apologize for.” You gesture to the flap of the tent. “You can take your leave now.” 

Halsin does the opposite, braving another step closer. 

“Of course I need to apologize. It appears my words have caused some confusion. Worse yet, I fear they’ve caused you pain.” 

At that, you still, finger pausing over the bottles set up in front of you. 

“You must know that I would never intend to hurt you.” Halsin’s tone was bordering on pleading. “Even now, it physically pains me to know that I’ve hurt you so.” He draws a hand to his chest, moving as if to soothe an ache that’s nestled beneath the surface there. 

You glance up to see the hurt now reflecting in his eyes. It’s enough to bring forth a sigh from your lips, your shoulders caving in as resignation takes over your body. Even now, you can’t find it within yourself to hate him, no matter how much easier it would make this. 

“You’re not responsible for my feelings, Halsin,” you sigh. “They are my own.” 

“No, but I do take responsibility for my words,” he counters. 

“You don’t want a relationship with me and you said as much. There’s nothing left to be said.” Despite your best attempts, your voice breaks on the last word. You close your eyes, clinging to the blunt words, mentally rebuilding your armor to power through the rest of this conversation. 

“There is so much left to say, my heart.” Halsin’s gentle words caress your face like the sun’s rays on a warm summer day. “I have so much left to say.” 

You keep your eyes closed, focus on taking another breath, keeping your heart steady. “Then speak.” 

“I love you.” 

Your eyes spring open, and Halsin is before you, close enough to touch. A large, tentative hand reaches up to cradle your face. You don’t pull away, and that’s enough to bring relief to Halsin’s heart. 

“I don’t understand,” you whisper, afraid your mere voice would crack the perilously thin ice you suddenly find yourself on. “You said—“ 

“That I would not keep you to myself,” Halsin is quick to finish the thought. 

“That we should seek out other people,” you correct, a touch of anger shading the words as you step out of Halsin’s grip. 

At that, Halsin’s eyes widen. “No.” His voice holds more sharpness than the druid had ever shown with you before. “I said no such thing.” 

“Well, maybe not exactly, but the sentiment was there,” you grumble, the frustration seeping through at your hazy memory. 

“That ‘sentiment’ is misguided.” His tone leaves no room for argument, but you do it anyway. 

“Well, forgive me if I don’t have it memorized word for word—I was a little busy having my heart broken,” you snap. 

Halsin pauses for a heartbeat and you watch the pain shine in his pale green eyes at your words.

“And I will never forgive myself for the pain I’ve caused you these last few days. But listen to my words now. I beg of you.” 

Another heartbeat passes. He takes your silence as permission to continue.

“I don’t abide by these conventional rules set in place by society. My home is in nature, and I follow the path the Oak Father has set before me. These ideals of what relationships should or shouldn’t be, you’ll have to forgive me if they're all but foreign to me.” 

Another wave of disappointment washes over you and you close your eyes in a futile attempt to deter the familiar pinpricks of tears. A warm, familiar hand caresses your face before tilting your chin up to bring your gaze to his. 

“But trust me when I tell you that I have never met someone like you. My heart does not stir lightly. But it does for you. What I feel for you pales in comparison to those who came before you.” 

There is no doubting the sincerity that lies in those soft verdant eyes. 

"It feels as though I have been asleep in a centuries long dark night, and now I am finally seeing daylight,” Halsin’s deep voice soothes, each word repairing the aches and tears of your heart.  

“There is no one else for me, my heart. Call it what you wish; you are all I want. Nothing would make me happier than to have you by my side for the rest of my days, if that is what you desire as well.

My love for you runs deep and true. Never doubt it, my heart.”

And then his lips are on yours, and every thought eddies out of your head, but one: Halsin loves you. 

Pure joy and relief floods your body and you don’t even bother trying to stop the tears of joy that follow. Halsin pulls back from the kiss just enough to swipe the tears from your cheek.

“I love you, too, Halsin,” you whisper in the space between you as Halsin presses his forehead to yours. 

“Forgive me, my heart. For the pain I have caused you.” 

You smile up at that handsome face you’ve grown to hold so dearly. Your slender hand  reaches up to caress his cheek, tracing the swirls of his tattoo. “Only if you’ll forgive my foolishness for doubting you.” You feel the shame rise up, bringing a heat to your cheeks.

“My heart, there is nothing to forgive,” Halsin murmurs before pressing another kiss to your forehead.

[tarotwithavi]

A life lesson I want to share with you

When I was a child, I often felt neglected. Both my mother and father were busy with their jobs and lives, and it felt like they didn’t have time for me. I always wanted their attention and love, but I didn’t know how to ask for it. The only time I felt appreciated by them was when I did something they could be proud of. If I won a competition, got the highest grades, or acted like the perfect "golden child," then they noticed me.

Because of this, I started to believe that in order to be loved by my parents, I had to be the best at everything. I pushed myself harder and harder, trying to meet these high standards. I thought that if I was the smartest, the most successful, and the perfect child, my parents would love me more. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had created these expectations for myself. My parents never demanded I be the best, and they never told me I had to be perfect. But I convinced myself that I needed to.

Over time, I started to feel more and more pressure. I was so focused on being the best that I never stopped to think about how it was affecting me. I was always worried about failing or not being good enough. The need for recognition and appreciation from my parents was slowly eating me up inside. I didn’t feel free to just be myself; instead, I felt like I always had to perform.

But one day, I had a realization. I began to understand that my parents had always loved me just as I was. They didn’t love me more when I got good grades or won awards. Their love for me was unconditional. I realized that my parents weren’t working hard because they didn’t care about me; they were working hard because they loved me. They were trying to give me the life they never had. They wanted to provide me with opportunities and luxuries that they had never experienced growing up.

This realization changed the way I saw things. I finally understood that I didn’t need to be perfect to earn their love. My parents were doing everything for me because they loved me from the start, not because of my achievements. It wasn’t about what I could do; it was about who I was, their child.

Looking back, I learned a big lesson from this experience. Sometimes, we put too much pressure on ourselves, thinking we need to be perfect or the best to be loved or appreciated. But the truth is, real love doesn’t come from our successes or achievements. It comes from who we are. And most importantly, the people who truly love us ,like our parents ,will always love us for who we are, not for what we do.

Now, I try to remind myself that I don’t need to prove my worth to anyone. I don’t need to keep pushing myself to the point of stress and exhaustion. I can just be me, and that is enough. My parents love me, not for my grades or awards, but because I am their child. And that is a lesson I hope everyone can learn: You are worthy of love just as you are. You don’t have to earn it; you just have to accept it.

[star-girl69]

giving the people what they want 🙏

warnings: ofc swearing and yes we get VERY freaky yet AGAIN, y/n refers to herself as kk’s controversially young gf bc i think it’s funny, deal w it

—-

you: babe we should do this trend

kk: yes come over

kk: don’t even have to film it i’ll do it for free

you: i know u wanna kiss me 💋

kk: i think that’s obvious

you: no it’s a tik tok sound

kk: ok great come over and kiss me

you: ok… calm down… i’m coming

kk: really???

you: what is wrong with u.

kk: i’m sorry plz forgive me ma’am

—-

you: come over

kk: yes i’m omw

you: amazing response time btw

—-

YOU: WHWN THEY CALLED OFF THE CIRCUS BURNED THR DISCO DOWN WHEN THEY SENT HOME THE HORSED AND THE RODEO CLOWNS IM STILL OM THAT TIGHTROPE IM STILL TRYING EVERYTHING TO GET U LAUGHINF AT ME AND IM STILK A BELIEVER BUT I DONT KNOW WHY IVE NEVER BEEN A NATURAL ALL I DO IS TRY TRY TRY IM STILL ON THAT TRAPEZE IM STILK TRYING EVERYTHING TO KEEP U LOOKING AF ME

kk: is this taylor swift?

you: omg u got it right?? i’m so proud ❤️

kk: i learned from the best 💪

—-

you: why do u have no food in ur apartment

kk: ?? we have food

you: literally here rn and u don’t

kk: me and laila went shopping yesterday babe

you: *laila and i

kk: same thing

kk: i’m sure u can find something

you: i cant and im starving

kk: baby there’s food

you: i’m never eating again bye

you: i hate u healthy freaks

you: buy potato chips like normal ppl

kk: okay baby

…

you: i was hangry im sorry

kk: i figured 😂 no worries babe

kk: did u eat?

you: yes i had to doordash tho

kk: 🙄

—-

kk: i love u

you: PLEASE DONT KYS

kk: what????

you: i’m sorry it’s an automatic response

you: i love u too ❤️

kk: u confuse me sometimes

you: then i’m succeeding at being ur controversially young gf who’s references u don’t understand 🫡

—-

you: do u hate me?

kk: no ofc not

you: are u sure?

kk: yes i’m sure where is this coming from babe?

you: u let go of my hand earlier ☹️

kk: babe are u fr rn?

you: bye u hate me ok i’ll just see myself out

kk: and i’ll just drag u right back in bc i don’t hate u

kk: when did i even let go of ur hand?

you: when u were adjusting the bags ☹️

kk: ok so

kk: i let go of ur hand for one second to adjust the shopping bags i was carrying for u and u think i hate u?

you: yes exactly

you: do u?

kk: i love u my very clingy girl 😂

—-

kk: what is aura?

you: like aura points or the actual metaphysical thing

you: pls use it in a sentence

kk: “this dance is giving u negative aura points”

you: ok translation: doing this dance makes u look like a fucking loser

you: basically it’s like coolness

you: like if i tell someone “outfit gives u +1000 aura points” i’m basically saying like ur fit ate

kk: oh i see

kk: thank u baby

you: controversially young gf to the rescue 🫡

kk: u do realize ur not that much younger than me right

kk: like it’s not controversial

you: can u let me have this.

kk: okay baby ur my controversially young gf

you: thank u very much ❤️

—-

you: stop cheating on me.

kk: excuse me?

kk: i’m literally standing across from u. we’re in the same room right now

you: tell that bitch to back off before i do

kk: are u jealous?

you: obviously not. come here now

you: please

kk: yes ma’am

kk: i don’t even know who ur talking about btw

you: the blonde?

kk: i was genuinely too busy looking at u to notice

—-

you: omg this is so us.

kk: it’s a deer and a raccoon??

you: u just don’t get it…

kk: what is there to get

you: see the deer is me and u are the raccoon and the raccoon is hugging and kissing the deer

you: bc like ur so clingy

kk: unfortunately that makes sense

—-

you: i miss you

kk: yeah baby?

you: please come over

kk: i cant rn babe

you: please baby i miss u so muchhhh

kk: i’m sorryyyy sweetheart

kk: i’ll see what i can do but probably in an hour yeah?

you: that’s too long

you: come over now

kk: i’m sorry babe i cant

you: please caroline

you: i need you

kk: 30 mins

you: i need u really badly though…

kk: 20 minutes i promise

you: caroline please i really really need u rn

you: u know where i need u

kk: be there in 5

—-

[forthelostones]

𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ➺ 𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐣𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐲 #4

anderson construction and landscaping had been parked outside your door since you returned home from university. as if the summer couldn't get any hotter, the business owner works overtime in your area. anderson is collecting new, loyal clients of your neighbors, cementing her permanence in your life for the next few months. what's to come of your girlish crush when she keeps showing up?

𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜. 18+ (mdni); age-gap, young!reader, older!abby, butch!abby, slow-burn, suggestive language, thoughts of infidelity, ellie ft, smoking/drinking, mentions of parents, nickname: sweetheart, and modern au.

𝚊𝚗. everyone wow thank you so much for the love on for your eyes only! it means so much. here’s something a little different, hope you enjoy. any requests don’t hesitate to drop ‘em, xx jstar.

♫ 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚢𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝. hypotheticals by lake street drive ♫

https://arab.org/click-to-help/palestine/

I didn’t bother looking at my watch during our session and somehow I noticed the sun was nearly gone. A fist tightened in my stomach when I realized how long she had been in my presence without me being aware of the fact. I can’t remember a time when my social battery grew instead of depleting. 

Technically, I should be tired since I stayed up filtering through applications and cleaning my entire place simultaneously. But it was something about her that energized me. Even motivated me and made me excited about this project. She gave me a sense of agency, which I haven't felt in the last decade.

“You built these bookshelves, didn't you?” She snorted in disbelief as we traveled to the living room before her departure. 

“I did,” I said, in the kitchen as I fetched myself a beer, feeling proud at the recognition. 

I followed her manicured finger trace at the edge of the panels. She twisted her head sideways to read the dusty titles on the shelf. Even though I only saw her back, I knew her mouth was open in astonishment at my first edition copies of classic books, something I’ve been cultivating for twenty years. I bring the tinted bottle to my lips and stand with my free hand on my chin. 

She tucked her index into an original print of The Well of Loneliness. She looked over her shoulder quickly to check if I was watching her, which I was. I quickly diverted my gaze towards the floor and sipped. “I’ve had that book for a while,” I say. 

“Is it okay if I…” 

Her voice became silent, almost a whisper as if she’d be in trouble if she muttered a word about the novel. 

“Of course. Please.” 

I gesture towards the couch and she pulls the untouched book from the shelf as if it were delicate china and sits on my worn sofa. I bit the corner of my mouth as I saw her sit right where I lay my head and I took a seat on the farthest end away from her. She crossed her legs and brought the grey-shaded book onto her lap. The pages were stale and yellow-ish, almost crumbling under her careful touch. She followed the inside of the spine with her thumb, straightening the first page and a shiver traveled down my spine to my toes. 

“From the library of Abigail Anderson.” Her voice drops an octave, loose and saturated in a sexy chuckle. I wanted her to repeat my name just like that until her voice was hoarse.

I knew my cheeks grew bright red and I had the inclination to press the bottle to my face to cool my embarrassment. The embosser was a gift from an ex-girlfriend and she took the liberty of pressing it into every book I owned, even my most valuable ones. 

“You like that?” I smile, concealing my trembling lip with the neck of the bottle and thumb. 

“I wish I had one but my books aren’t special enough.” 

“What do you like to read?” 

“Same stuff you do.” 

That stuff is novels that exclusively includes women.

Her eyes linger with a glint that can only be described as fervor like she never met someone who read lesbian fiction. I didn’t break eye contact like I had been for the last three hours. I took another sip to hold back a large, toothy grin. Her phone vibrated with another ricochet of text messages, which she continuously ignored. But soon she broke our quiet pact by reading the messages and excusing herself to the next room. Her voice has a quiver in it although hushed. 

“Ellie. I’m sorry I just—okay. Okay. I know I am sorry. It just… Of course, I love you are you—alright. I’ll see you soon.” 

She comes back into the living room without moving back to her original spot. Her face was thick with an emotion I knew all too well. Dread. Maybe she needed an excuse to stay longer and I felt okay with that.

“I don’t know if you’re hungry or anything—” / “I’m gonna go—”. 

The jumble of words flusters us both and her grip tightens around her phone. The sight makes me think she could snap it in half right there. Ellie, her girlfriend, definitely gave her a stern talking to. The little cat-like girl I met on the street couldn't have made her feel so small. She brushes a stray hair from her face that wasn’t there. Instead of confidence, I saw her shrink down twice in size. 

“Oh, yea of course,” I rub my hot neck.

Her eyes dart towards the copy of The Well of Loneliness. 

“You can borrow it if you want to.” 

Instead of traveling around the couch, she let her body swipe past me as I rose from the couch. Our clothes mingled in a private dance just before she slipped on her shoes and fiddled with the door. With the book pressed to her chest, she turned to me, a mere two feet away, and thanked me. A silence fell between us. It wasn't awkward, but comfortable. I felt comfortable.

“Anytime, I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

What I wanted to come out as a statement became a question and I resented myself for it. I wanted her to know that I was going to see her.

“Hopefully. ‘Night Ms. Anderson.” 

“Drive safe, sweetheart.” 

A soft I will left her solemn lips and I watched the twinkle of her headlights illuminate my body. I raise my hand to wave her off but she turns her head before I can. I quickly tucked it away in my back pocket. My throat hardened seeing her car drive away.

As I closed the door, the lingering silence of the house struck me strongly. The missing book from the shelf made me feel hollow in a way. I was glad that she took it but I wish... I don't know. I finish my last sip of beer and toss the bottle out. I walk to the bathroom and turn on the shower.

The water offered me a clarity the cool breeze outside could not. I was relishing in a former life that I wish I had done differently. Craving someone who truly understood me and appreciated who I was. I never got that. My heart pumped with anxiety-ridden blood. Painful memories that I shoved away threatened to —

My hands are on the sparkling tiles, spread with 2 inches in between. I press my eyes shut and try to understand where I stand. It feels like the calm beads of water transformed into pebbles. Hitting my skin with an angry vengeance I could not place. The steam inhibits me from getting a deep inhale. I can't move. I open my eyes and soften my knees. I find the strength to reach for the knob and draw my body onto the floor. My knees come to my chest and I count until the water turns cold.

I opened the windows in my bedroom and listened to the chirping of cicadas. I close my eyes and walk backward onto the perfectly made bed. Instantly, my back melted. Why was I denying myself this? I lay with my feet dangling and was disrupted from the lingering sleep by my phone in the living room.

7:30 PM: What have you gotten me into Ms. Anderson?

She sat with the book in her lap, the only blankets around being a plum-colored top sheet. Her legs held the book and a small light illuminated the first page. Her thumb held the right page and her index and middle in the crease. I could imagine how she rubbed them against the paper like earlier. I stared at the photo and fell deeper into the elements of it.

7:35 PM: 400 pages is nothing, You'll do fine.

A bubble appears and vanishes.

7:36 PM: It's actually 448 pages, thank you very much.

7:37 PM: My apologies. 48 extra pages won't kill you.

7:38 PM: You don't know that...

7:40 PM: I think I do.

7:41 PM: Well, we can discuss what you think you know tomorrow...

My fingers twitched to reply but it was clear that she desired to be left alone. I couldn't determine why these casual conversations left my face aching, but they did. I reflected on how long it's been since I went on a date. The number enters my mind and burns slowly like a forest fire. The sides of my head throb as I slip under the blankets.

to be continued...

[vanderlesbian]

141 dating a civilian

hii!! this is a self indulgent belated bday gift to myself (im 20 now...) but i hope u guys enjoy it!! also feel free to leave requests in my asks bc i am so bad at thinking of prompts but ive been wanting to write so bad LOL

writing this had made me realize that i love writing gaz content........i am obsessed with him.........

gn reader! no warnings :)

masterlist

captain john price

- price loves being around you—you bring a sense of normalcy that relaxes him. when he's home, he enjoys doing domestic things around the home. he offers to do the laundry, he'll make you tea in the mornings, he feeds the dog and cat you two raise together and will go with you on any errands you need to run. when he's with you, he never thinks about work, which makes you happy because you hate to see him overworking himself.

- i feel like you two would meet through laswell. a mutual friend, you and price would meet one another at a pub or something of the sort. immediately, the two of you take an interest in one another, and laswell would catch onto that rather quickly and finds it endearing. when getting to know one another, you mention the fact that you live alone, which gives price the excuse to hand you his number. "in case you need anything", is what he told you, and you could've sworn you saw laswell snickering behind him. regardless, you ended up texting him a few days after that, asking him if he knew how to fix cars.

- loves going on vacations with you!! when price has a decent period of time off, he'll ask you if you want to go somewhere, to which you always answer yes. road trips are his favorite, because driving for long periods of time is something calming for him and he enjoys the fact that it's just the two of you traveling. maybe you'll go camping, or perhaps you'll drive a country over to spend a few days in a different city; whatever it is, you and price always have a nice time. while he gets to travel a lot, he recognizes that you don't have the same opportunity, so he loves to take you places as see your reactions to things. when he's deployed, he's always on the lookout for places to take you later.

- one of your favorite things to do is visit price while he's in the office. you usually bring him a meal, whether it be home made or take out because you know he's going to forget about grabbing himself something to eat. he always thanks you with a kiss, then you linger for a moment to speak to him, giving him time to eat and take a break from his work. while you're visiting price, all of his attention is on you, and if a soldier knocks on his door and asks to speak to him, he'll use his captain voice to tell them to come by later unless it's an emergency.

- price is very proud to call you his partner. although he tries not to bring you up too often at work because of privacy and professional reasons, he likes to mention you casually every now and then, especially with laswell or the other 141 members. he's proud of the work you do, no matter what your career is; he's just likes to brag about his amazing partner. he will do his signature v shaped smile whenever someone says in surprise,"oh, your partner is a/n [occupation]? how cool!"

simon "ghost" riley

- ghost is a listener, not a talker. and boy, does he love listening to you ramble on about your day. he finds it cute; the way you complain how expensive your coffee was that morning, or how you couldn't decide what to wear to simply go pick up a snack from the store. his responses include a lot of "oh really?", "i bet", and some snarky comments when you bring up a coworker that you don't particularly like. ghost is quiet, but his little responses show that he's well invested in your stories.

- just like everything else in his life, ghost keeps his relationship with you very private. it took him quite a while to even tell any of the other 141 members that he was in a relationship, simply because he didn't feel the need to tell them. he also wanted to protect you; not that he didn't trust the other members, but he was scared of your name accidentally being said to the wrong person. you were innocent, and ghost didn't want to ruin that innocence with the dark realities of his job and put you in danger.

- listen; meeting him at a music store. you would definitely be the one to initiate things, so when you saw a tall, handsome man flipping through records beside you, it made you look for an excuse to speak to him. "that's a good album", you would then finally speak up after watching him pull out a vinyl by the doors. ghost would honestly be taken aback; no one ever really strikes up conversation with him in public. "yeah" would be his response, but the dryness of it didn't stop you from continuing the conversation. after you two begin dating, ghost will often bring up how you were insistent on speaking to him, which never fails to bring a shy blush to your cheeks.

- you think it's amusing to have such a "scary" looking boyfriend. he tags along behind you whenever the two of you go out, and you often forget how large and intimidating he looks to others, especially because he always wears dark colored outfits and a face mask out in public. imagine ghost lingering behind you like a lost puppy while you mindlessly look through clothes at a store. when you're at the register, you notice the cashier glancing behind you, forgetting that ghost is looming over you like a bodyguard.

- speaking of others reactions, you love showing ghost off to people. you'll be spending time with friends, family, coworkers—whoever, and you get so excited whenever they ask if you have a boyfriend. you think it's funny to see their eyes widen when you pull up a photo saying "this is simon, he's deployed right now but (blah blah blah)". you had asked ghost for his permission to show photos of him to others while he wasn't around, and at first he was hesitant, but after hearing about the reactions he gives people, he doesn't care anymore. people think "that's their boyfriend?", which makes ghost smile to himself because yes, he's all yours.

kyle "gaz" garrick

- you two have this thing where the moment he opens the door after coming home from a mission, you'll sprint into his arms and he never fails to pick you up off your feet and squeeze you tight. gaz greets you like he hasn't seen you in years, covering your face and neck in kisses and spinning you around in his arms for what feels like forever.

- loves to facetime you when he's away. sometimes you'll be in different timezones, but both of you will be willing to stay up at 3 in the morning jusst to talk to one another. gaz always gives you room tours of whatever place he's staying at while deployed, or he'll call you while he's out shopping to ask what souvenir you'd like best. sometimes the other 141 boys will pop in to say hello, or gaz will shove the camera in their face to ask if they have anything to say to you.

- i feel that gaz would easily become jealous, especially because he can't be with you all the time. while he's away from you, you'll text or call him about an encounter at work or while you were out and about where someone tried hitting on you, earning a snarky remark from gaz. they always make you giggle because you're aware how protective he is of you, and they're often silly remarks like "they're lucky i wasn't there" or "should've told 'em your boyfriend is 6'5 and a wrestler"

- gaz is younger, so i feel that you would be a university student or something of the sort when you first met him. working part time at a local coffee shop at the time, you vividly remember gaz complimenting you the first time you served him. "you're very pretty/handsome, by the way" he said confidently, but quickly walked off before you could thank him. after that, gaz came in as often as he could, learning something new about you each time he came in, and it got to a point where you would simply give him a drink or pastry for free each time he came in. eventually he would ask you out, offering to take you somewhere after your shift, to which you immediately agreed to.

- when gaz visits your place, it's always like a silly little sleepover. the two of you will watch comically bad movies, make homemade pizza, play those couple's card games and he'll listen to you talk about any gossip you have. when gaz is with you, he takes it as his time to just be himself because he's so comfortable in your presence. he doesn't have to worry about being formal with you, and the two of you are equally as silly as you spend time with one another.

john "soap" mactavish

- soap doesn't like to bother you with his work. when he's with you, he'll always be so upbeat and playful, but you've learned to be able to notice when he's particularly stressed or tired. he insists that he's fine, telling you that you don't have to worry about him as he tries to play it off. he's a bit stubborn about it, so sometimes you have to bother him just a bit before he finally gives in and tells you what's up, or simply agrees to laying down and having a rest.

- okay, picture this. you meet soap at a dog park. i think he would have a german shepherd...which is besides the point, but when your dog and his both stop in their tracks to be friendly with one another, both of you feel that it's only natural to make conversation, right? the two of you quickly hit it off, to which you credit mostly to soap for being much more extroverted than you are, and the two of you talk about your dogs for a bit before the conversation focuses on yourselves. smoothly, soap would ask for you to join him on another trip to the dog park sometime, using the excuse that your dogs seemed to like each other.

- soap loves to text you while he's away, and other than gaz, he would be the one to text you the most out of any of the boys. he mostly sends a lot of random pictures of things he says reminds you of him, but will also update you on a bunch of random little things he's doing. "just shit in this french bathroom" "johnny i don't need to know that" "had to tell somebody"

- will leave plenty of his clothes for you to wear while he's gone, and it's practically all you wear during that time. you'll leave the house in an outfit completely made up of your boyfriend's clothes because they're just so comfortable, and it makes you feel less lonely having his scent lingering with you. even when soap is home, you still constantly wear his clothes, and 90% of his wardrobe is practically yours.

- soap would love to visit YOU at work. you forget your chapstick? he's on his way. you text him that you're hungry and forgot to pack a meal? he's bringing you your favorite fast food. although he's busy and can't stop by all the time, soap tries to stop by as often as he can, and all of your coworkers have learned to recognize him. "here comes johnny" one of them will point out, making you quickly whip your head around to look.

[darlingmbappe]

Out of the Dark | Kylian Mbappé x Plus Size Fem Reader

Summary: Though months of an almost picture-perfect relationship, Kylian still kept you hidden like his own personal secret. How are you supposed to feel like it doesn’t have something to do with how much you weigh?

Warnings: Feelings of being insecure about your weight, slight angst at the beginning, vague sex scene, cussing, not edited very well. Let me know if I missed anything! — English is not my first language —

Masterlist

You’re so proud of him. Truly, he deserves every bit of praise he gets. Even before you’d met him, you followed his career closely, amazed at how someone your age could be accomplishing such monumental achievements. And now, you get to love him intimately, personally tell him how fantastic he is, how much you admire him.

You and Kylian have been together for around eight months, the greatest eight months. It was mutually agreed that your relationship would be kept in the dark from everyone. This seemed like the best idea, what with him having the status he does and you being just an average person. Besides, you’ve never enjoyed the spotlight and we’re happy to keep your weekly grocery store run paparazzi free.

Hidden behind that superficial excuse was the real reason why you were content not being in any tabloids… the bigger body you occupied wasn’t exactly something the media would ignore. You could practically read the headlines already, a reasonable delusion you constantly had to push from your mind in order to stay sane and secure.

It was hard work, learning to love yourself, building up your confidence. You knew you love and accept the body you had, but there was always that little voice in the back of your head saying, ‘am I strong enough to put myself out there like that?’

Kylian seemed relieved when you asked him if the relationship could be kept hush, but now you feel like it’s been too long. You’d brought up the idea of going public after your six month anniversary, but he dismissed it with a quick shake of the head, blaming his agent and how she would freak out if he was announcing a new relationship. She would set him up with dates for all of these events. Models, actresses, and influencers hung on his arm at red carpets while you snuggled alone on the couch, following the events through twitter.

He always assured you that he wished it was you, but it was too complicated. It was a viable excuse at first, but it’s four months away from your one year anniversary. You were tired of dropping hints about beautiful restaurants and romantic spots. You were starting to feel like he wanted to hide you, and not because of his agent would complain or his fans would uproar, but because he was ashamed of you. What a shitty feeling.

“What’s that look, amor?” Kylian asks your reflection in his bathroom mirror.

Not realizing you were lost in thought, you shake your head, leaning against the doorframe. “Nothing.” Smile. “You look great.”

He fixes his tie then turns to you. “Very convincing.”

You try and play it cool, laughing. “No, you seriously look amazing.” It was obvious he didn’t mean that part, but you really don’t feel like having this fight right now.

“So do you.” He grabs your hips, trapping you against him and the door.

Now you really do laugh. “Good one, Ky.”

While he wore a designer suit, you were rocking a pair of boy-short underwear and an oversized hoodie. Kylian was going to another super fancy award ceremony. He was getting a trophy and everything, but you couldn’t be there with him. Instead, he’s going to kiss the cheek of a tall, skinny, gorgeous 21 year old model when his name gets called. She was get to be his date for the night while you — the girlfriend — waited patiently in his bed for him to come home and tell you all about it.

The dynamic of the whole affair sets in, sending a little tang of jealousy and insecurity through your body. He notices how your stare points away from him now as you wiggle out of his grip and trudge towards his bed. Kylian walks toward you as you flip through Netflix without any intention of picking something anytime soon.

“I wish you could come with me.” He offers, his facial expressions ridden with guilt. You respond with a quiet and half-hearted hum, continuing to look through the true crime collection. He picks up your dismissiveness. “You know I do.”

“Mhm.” You didn’t mean the sarcastic tone behind it, it was just a natural reaction.

He sighs loudly, scratching his neck. “If you want to say something, say something. I can’t read your mind.” You continue to flip through shows and movies, trying to mask the sad expression that you surely couldn’t hide much longer. “We agreed to this. We both wanted it this way.”

“Eight months ago.” You add, looking at him now. He looked annoyed, like this conversation was a burden to have. “At some point I want to get out of this house. I feel like we should, I don’t know… rethink that whole part of our relationship.”

“This again?” He shuffles to the corner to grab his shoes with a huff. “You know how complicated that would be. You would hate attention like that.”

“Maybe I would.” You sit up in your spot while he sits at the foot of the bed, his back facing you. “So what? I might not love the attention but at least we get to go out to dinner, or take a walk together, or I could hug you after a match, or act like we’re together at all!”

He finishes putting his shoes on, still facing away from you. Kylian doesn’t say anything back for a while. You just waited for him, he had to say something eventually. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

Not what you wanted to hear.

You nod silently, but that hurt. You watched him grab his phone and wallet on the nightstand as he prepared to leave so he can pick up his literal runway model of a date.

“Are you ashamed of me?” The words came out of your mouth without your permission, but there they were — shifting the mood of the entire conversation without a second of mercy.

He looks back, his eyes rid of any annoyance and replaced with something kind of depressing, a look you’ve never seen from him before. He opens his mouth right as his phone rings, he looks down at it regretfully, sighing out. “One second.” He murmers sorely before he answers it.

You bit the inside of your cheeks to keep the tears at bay. Crying seems like the last thing you want to do right now. You turn your attention back to scrolling through the now very blurry movies on Netflix. He mumbles something about being right down and hangs up. “I…”

“Yeah, yeah. Go.” You assured and bite your cheek harder, feeling the tears right there. “Can’t be late. Not a good look. I get it.” There was a clear harshness behind your permission.

“We’ll talk about this, alright?” He fidgets, making his way to you, kissing your forehead. You feel a tear fall and you wipe it just as quickly, not looking at him. “Hey,” he coos, lifting your chin up wo finally meet his stare. “I am not ashamed of you.” He wipes the tear and kisses your nose. “Okay?”

You nod, sniffling and casually wiping another stray tear away, offering a weak nod. “Okay.”

Kylian felt wrong for walking out at that moment. He knew you wanted to go public but never knew that you were feeling this way. It was something he wanted to unpack, something he wanted to make you feel better about.

That question drove him insane all night. His steak tasted dull, his wine tasted bitter, his date looked like nothing compared to you. She twirled her hair and batted her lashes, assuming he was single. Why wouldn’t she? Nothing in recent news even hinted at any kind of romance going on in the star footballers life, but he knew the truth. He knew who he had waiting for him under his covers, and she deserved better than what he was giving her.

The night crawled by, achingly clapping along with the crowd without really listening to what the applause could be about. After accepting his award, he only wished he could find you in the sea of strangers from the stage. He just wanted to go home. Lay with you, hold your hand, let you know his intentions.

Of course he’d thought about this secret relationship from your perspective. It’s weird, needing a date and not being able to take you, even if you were his girlfriend. He couldn’t help but wonder how he’d feel if the roles were reversed.

They kind of were once, and he hated that feeling with a burning passion. Your office held a Christmas party last year and everyone had to bring a date… something about even numbers for one of the holiday games they’d planned out. You mentioned it in passing that you were going with Neil, the handsome budget analysts that you considered to be one of your good friends. Kylian wanted to pick a fight so bad. He wanted to tell you that he didn’t like you going with someone else… but he couldn’t. You’d endured countless news articles pondering if he was dating one of the many women that accompany him, helped him look spiffy for these events, kissed him goodbye as he went to eat a nice dinner with hot models and actresses. How would that be fair?

Hours went by and you didn’t feel the need to wait up for him. These events could drag on for hours past your bedtime, and your mood tonight in particular didn’t feel up to listening to all the glorious details that he makes out to sound dreadful… free cocktails, gourmet food, meeting celebrities, making new friends… there were only so many ways to complain about it before it started sounding disingenuous. The more you thought about it the later it got, quickly time spiraled out of your control, finding yourself watching the busy streets of Paris through the open window from the bed. The frustration you felt when your eyes closed and all you saw was Kylian arm in arm with girls that weren’t you put a dreadful feeling in your stomach.

It couldn’t have been later than 1 o’clock in the morning when Kylian returned, his tie loosened, top buttons undone, jacket almost dragging on the ground as he trudged up the stairs, leaving the shiny new trophy by the door.

It’s kind of insane to him how on long days like these he craves your touch, your comfort. He never thought of himself as someone who could be dependent on another person, at least not in this time of his life. With his priorities set on becoming a legendary football star, he didn’t necessarily set aside time for romance, but you just… happened. Someone so unlike the others, your charm reeling him in until he knew he was done for. Helpless.

The pressure of the public eye is brutal. He knows first hand how the media can ruin a relationship, no matter how strong the pillars you stand on are. They find ways to chip you down, make you doubt everything, make you doubt yourself. You were innocent to it all. He wanted to keep you that way. Selfish, sure, but he knew it would eventually cause some vicious issues down the line. It happens every time.

As he walked through the bedroom door, the shape of your silhouette under the covers tugged on his heart. Though his brain was begging him to wash up in the bathroom and go to sleep, his feet lead him to your side of the bed.

He crouched down at eye level with you, petting a gentle hand on top of your head, taking his time to really look at your face. You eyes slowly opened, he offered a tiny smile that he didn’t even realize grew on his face.

“I didn’t mean to wake you, amour.” He cooed, running his thumb over your cheek.

“I can’t sleep.” You groggily respond, closing your eyes at his touch.

He leaned over, kissing your forehead continuously without pulling away. “I’ll come to bed in a second.” He mumbled against your skin before standing, taking off his uncomfortable outfit on the way. He made quick time brushing his teeth and washing his face, changing into a clean pair of boxer briefs before crawling into his spot next to you.

Without thinking twice, his hands latched around your waist, pulling your bodies close together and spooning you with his face nuzzled into your hair.

You were hyperaware of everything. The way that his hand landed on the puff of your stomach, the amount of room you took up on your half of the bed, the roll that formed when you laid on your side like you were. At the beginning of the relationship that’s all you could think about whenever Kylian wrapped his arms around you. It took you a while to not tense up and let yourself melt into his touch, but tonight you were taken back to the beginning. The questioning if you were ever going to be good enough. If you’d ever be taken seriously as a couple. If people thought you two looked weird together, that he could do better than you.

“You’re beautiful.” Kylian eased, snapping you out of your thoughts. He felt your muscles tight under your skin, he just wanted you to relax. “I mean it, (Y/N).”

You didn’t say anything back, gulping to try and get rid of the panicky lump in your throat. He kissed the shell of your ear, reaching his hand under your T-shirt and letting it land on your bare stomach.

You tensed up more, instinct telling you to get up and go to the bathroom or something to get out of this situation.

“Stop, bébé.” He clicked once feeling your squirming. “Let me hold you.”

The longer the two of you stayed silent, listening to each others breathing, basking in the warmth you both provided, you felt more at ease. He shifted slightly, letting himself look down on you while holding himself up on his forearm.

He touched your cheek, tracing tour eyelashes with his thumb. “I’m taking you out to a nice dinner tomorrow night.”

You furrowed your brows. “Out?”

“Mhm.” He kissed the tip of your nose. “That new Thai restaurant you told me about last week.”

The tears swarmed your eyes, a wave of happiness surging through your body like electricity. “Really?” Your voice came out squeaky, laced in weary excitement.

He smiled down at you, kissing your grin onto his own face. “Of course.”

“Oh, baby…” You coo, grabbing his face in your own hands, letting some of the tears run down the side of your face. “Thank you.”

Kylian wiped them away sweetly. “Don’t thank me. I should have done this a while ago. I shouldn’t have kept you hidden away all to myself for this long. It wasn’t fair to you, I’m sorry.”

You pulled his neck down and kissed his passionately, but the pace was slow. Eventually, your tongues greeted each other expertly, his legs climbed over to lay his body on yours, his hand roamed under your shirt to feel your bare tits. It wasn’t long before you both got rid of the minimal layers keeping you apart, desperate to feel safe in each others touch.

He was gentle, loving, caressing every inch. Kylian spent extra time loving on the places he knew you overthought about. The ones that people would point out in the past. He kissed and licked them while praising you, leaving marks to remind you how he felt about you. All of you.

You attempted to roll over and have him take you from behind, but he pushed you down. “I wanna see your face. Wanna watch you. Wanna look at you.” He was borderline incoherent, but completely lucid. He said all the right things, forgetting completely about the surefire wave of trouble that would be headed your way tomorrow night.

Kylian was drunk on your sweet sounds. The continued “ah, ah, ah”’s that escaped your plumped lips drove him insane, cumming inside your shaking walls while watching the pleasure grow on your scrunched face. You came while clutching his biceps, closing your eyes tightly in euphoria.

He cleaned you both up, wiping you down with a wet rag before laying back next to you. This time, he pulled you into his chest while he laid on his back, feeling your body now comfortable and relaxed, listening to your soft snores that tickled his bare chest.

The next morning, Kylian’s side of the bed was empty, but the vague memory of his sweet kiss that landed on your forehead before he left send butterflies to your stomach. The much clearer memory of dinner plans tonight erupted another wave of them, motivating you to get the day started as soon as possible, needing to get home and prep for a night you’ve been waiting for for way too long.

On the doorstep of your humble townhome sat a big white box, a pink letter taped to the top with your name written nicely on top. It was obviously Kylian’s penmanship; neat but a little wonky. You giggled to yourself, bringing the box inside and opening the envelope.

To my sweet (Y/N),

You will look so beautiful tonight. I can’t wait to see you. Be ready by 7:30.

I love you, bébé.

-Kyks

You pressed the card dramatically to your chest, humming at the sweetness overload from your boyfriend. Though you wanted to relish in that moment, you couldn’t take it anymore. You had to see what the hell was in the box.

“Oh, wow…” You gasp as you catch the first glimpse of the dress that sat neatly on the tissue paper. You pulled it out, putting it against your body. It was a pink floral midi dress, form-fitting at the top, looser on the skirt and a slit that ran down the side. It was gorgeous. Perfect. Thank god that Kylian has a sense of style or else you’d be making your debut in an ugly outfit… Even better, you were thankful he knew your size because that thing fit like a glove. Goddamn… you look so sexy in this.

Time flies, it really does. Especially when your brain is working overtime thinking about the absolute worst things that could happen. You couldn’t stop yourself from taking two shots of tequila to calm your jittery nerves, hoping the shaking in your hands or the knot in your stomach would subdue before the knock on the door came. But, alas, it came…

You took a deep breath in the mirror, checking yourself from head to toe. Confidence is something you had to build, and it’s so much harder than people make it out to be. Fake it ‘till you make it can only take you so far, the rest is real work, especially in a world that praises people who look the opposite of you.

You’d hear your thinner friends complain about how fat they looked right in front of you, as if you didn’t have to live in that reality every single day. It was like their worst nightmare was looking like you. They’d tell you “you’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” As if you couldn’t be both. You’d walk closely to the wall and try and take up the most minimal amount of space possible — as if you could hide your size, feeling like every judgmental eye was on you all the time.

It was the little things that added up (along with the more brutal comments you’d get through life), but your skin was thick. Thick, yes. Unbreakable? You were about to find out. As soon as you stepped out under the mercy of the public eye with him… you’ll be tested how much you can actually take. How much this relationship could actually take.

You swung the door open to reveal the most handsome sight you’d ever seen. Kylian wore an all black suit. You thought to yourself that this must be what the models of the past were used to opening their doors to. Now, it’s finally your turn.

Kylian was holding a bouquet of flowers that matched your dress, showing off a huge smile. He seemed like he wanted to speak words, but his eyes spoke for him, much louder than anything his voice could come up with.

He eyed you up and down, a visible gulp making you want to retreat into yourself shyly. “Hi.” You meeped, cheeks sore from the smile you couldn’t shake.

Kylian cleared his throat, blowing out a raspberry. “You…”

He continued to eye you, walking in slowly as you shut the door behind him. “You did good with this dress.” You complimented, taking the flowers from his hands and walking them to your sink to grab a vase.

“The dress is just a dress, amour.” He growled, watching your backside like a lion would his lioness, infatuated with every curve and crease your body created under the material. “You in that dress? Tu blagues?” Are you kidding me? He stood behind you, wrapping his arms around your stomach and kissing your shoulder. “Oh lá lá…”

You laughed, lulling back into his touch, basking in his warm and secure embrace. “You always say the right things, Mbappé.”

He hums, unwrapping his arms and taking the flowers you were cutting from your hands, taking over the process. You stepped back and watched him as he filled the vase up with water, dropping them in with precision, one by one until they displayed beautifully.

He set them next to the bottle of tequila and shot glass you'd left out. He raised an eyebrow at you.

You shrugged. "For the nerves."

"Ah..." He nods, opening the cabinet and grbbing a tiny glass for himself, pouring the golden liquid into each one, holding one out to you. "To nerves of steel." You clinked your glasses, throwing your heads back and shivering as it went down. With a grimace, he shook off the taste of the drink. "Ready?"

Your mouth was dry despite the liquid that still lingered in your mouth. You inhaled deeply, faking a smile on your face while grabbing your purse. "Yep."

Kylian sensed the waver in your confirmation, reaching out to hold both your hands. "They're going to say whatever they're going to say. We can't control their thoughts on our relationship." He kissed your knuckles and all the rings you'd decorated your fingers with. "But we can't let them keep controlling us."

"I love you." You say, looking deep into your man's eyes and thinking about all the emotions you've seen them hold. The frustration after a loss. The playfulness before sex. The adoration during the first I love you that slipped his tongue. The relief that washed away the anxious look when you said it back.

"Your carriage awaits, princesse." He takes your purse and hold your hand, leading you both to the door that he opened for you.

You thanked him as he helped you into the large town car, running around to the other side and sat next to you.

As you neared the restaurant, his hand never leaving your thigh, you just looked at him, taking in every ounce of his being.

He wasn't ashamed of you. He loved you. He cared, he listened, he was perfectly yours. You knew no matter the things you'd surely read about yourself, the things you'd surely think about yourself at times, that Kylain would be a constant. This new chapter might bring some hard times, but you'll stand with Kylian. And he'd stand with you. You knew he would.

A/N: Plus sized ladies never get nearly enough representation on this platform. Hope you all enjoyed, this is something I wrote from my own feelings/experiences being plus sized! Love you all so much.

Taglist: @trentione @mentalbaddie @neymarsrealgf @akiraquote @mrswhitethornbelikov @kymb-10 @formula101x @photmath @marcelineslove @tsikik @iheartkyky @freshfraise @jokertbh @germanapples @urfuturesoccerwife @nightlockcornucopia @laylaynaynay130 @starlight8374 @depressoesssspresso @mbappesbae @ maddyperrezz @gigiboss @xanjoy @lovekm @jkkiks @vvbasmavv-blog @suzysface @ lolarmy72 @lizzz2967 @kylians-world @superswaggycooch @shashla @mehrmonga @abayo222 @missmo79 @tties24-7 @gurleenkl @drewstarkeysbae @ vibinwkay @ctn26 @ippid @i0veless @abayo222 @http-isabela

[maybank-archives]

jealous - jj maybank

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warning: +18. NSFW CONTENT. MINORS DNI. public sex. fingering. vaginal sex. unprotected sex. language. dirty talking.

word count: 1.4k

author’s notes: that's a wrap, speaking of it, use protection kids :)

masterlist | join the taglist | kinktober masterlist!!!!

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Sure, this doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all, hooking up with your friend, what could possibly go wrong?

I sat there watching the third touron flirt with him as he poured their drinks. Sure, we are not a couple or anything, but we have been mackin' each other for a while now and who knew that I would suck in this whole no-strings-attached thing? All I know is I was dumb enough to go along with it. This is classic JJ.

I was able to ignore him for most of the night, until now. I saw him getting closer in my periphery but my proud self pretended to be busy talking to Sarah or even looking at the people.

“Can I offer you, ladies, fun?” JJ says handing Sarah a drink and holding out his hand. He waited for my response as Sarah grabbed hers.

“No, thank you,” I tell him without moving an inch.

“C’mon Y/N, I'm already here, just take it.” He insisted

“I’m good Maybank, I need to take care of something actually, I’ll be right back Sarah.” 

Lies, I just didn’t want to stay around him, I don’t even know why I’m this annoyed. For my luck there were a bunch of girls gathered at the bathroom door, Fuck that, I needed another way out. I walked out of the bar on the beach and made my way to the street.

“Hey, Y/N, wait up.” I hear JJ’s voice behind me. 

“Go away JJ” I shout.

“Woah, what are you doing?”. He asks, grabbing my hand.

“I'm going home. Why do you care?.” I said reaching for my keys in the back pocket of my jeans skirt.

“Your home is not this way, what’s wrong?.” he insisted. 

I didn’t answer. JJ snatches the keys out of my hand which made me sigh loud annoyed

“Can I have my keys back please?” 

“Not until you start talking,” he said, pulling me into the back of the bar. “What the hell happened for you to start acting like a brat?”

“I don't know, why don't you ask your new friends?.” I replied with a dry tone. “I didn't know they were your type by the way,” I added, reaching for my keys but JJ was faster and held them high.

His blue eyes narrow with a hint of intrigue on them. A smirk showed up in the corners of his mouth as he realized. “And I had no idea you were the jealous type.” He teases, making you scoff.

“I just don't like being another one in your books, but it's ok, we can end this and you're free to have all the fun in the world.” My cheeks heat up.

“I'm not mackin’ anybody but you Y/N.”

“That’s not what it looks like.” I accuse.

“I’m sorry, did I miss something?.” He said

Damn him, how does he do this? 

I want to kill myself. There’s no way I’ll say a word when he couldn’t be less bothered.

“Fine.” I swallow. “Can I go now?” I try to grab my keys but he keeps them out of my reach again.

“Nope, you’re still pissed,” he says flatly.

“I’m not.”

“Ha.Bullshit.What the fuck happened?” he snaps

“I’m not blind JJ, If you want to go, just go okay? I don't know what I'm still doing here.” I snap back “I’m… I’m done with this.” The words burst out before I could stop them. “Whatever this is. It's done okay?”

JJ’s eyebrows are furrowed. His expression is a mix of confusion and shock. “Why?”

“Because I said so.”

“No way,” he says again. “You can’t just call it off without giving me a good reason.”

“I don't like to see how you look to other girls.”

That sounds insane if I say it out loud. Who the fuck am I?

“Are you telling me you’re not into me anymore? Is that the deal?”

“No. But—”

“There are no ‘buts’, baby doll. It’s a simple yes or no answer,” he whispered, leaning in. My breath hitched. Fuck. His gaze held mine, leaving me unsure if it was anger or just desire.

“I-I don’t have a reason,” I confess trying to escape

“How about I help you clear your mind and decide? How does that sound?” He said putting my keys into his pocket.

Before I can realize it, I’m against the wall and his mouth is inches away from mine. Luckily, I guess, we’re almost hidden between a dumpster and a bunch of cardboard boxes. JJ’s scent made my brain foggier as he pressed his body onto mine.

“Why didn’t you tell me you needed my attention baby?.”

I clench my jaw.

“So you’re still into me?” He places his thighs between both of mine, grinding me against his erection.

I’m trying so hard to focus that it’s impossible for me to reply.

“Something tells me you still do.” His lips brush over my ear, making my nipples sensitive against the lace of my bra. 

I’m frozen in place, it’s ridiculous how wet I’m. Now I remembered why I was so attracted to JJ in the first place.

His blue eyes are deep and penetrating, locked onto mine. I watch him smirk and push the hem of my skirt up, cupping my core. I arched my back under his touch.

JJ doesn’t seem to care that we’re in public, he dips his finger under the crotch of my panties rubbing the wetness. “Yup, seems bout right.” He murmurs as his lips kiss my neck. He pushes one finger inside and my muscles tightenin around it. 

His lips found their way to mine. He’s hesitant for a second watching me lean closer.

“I knew you wouldn’t resist.” He mocks crashing our lips eagerly.

Oh God. This feels sinful. All I can concentrate on is the unbearable pleasure centered between my legs. JJ keeps fingering me as he devours my lips. He bites the bottom of my lip as he breaks the kiss.

“You’re so needy. It’s super hot.” 

“J...People can see us, please.” I whine

“Let’s give them a show then,” JJ adds another finger, curling them inside me, my vision gets dark as hits a spot deep down. I moan embarrassingly loud. I Rock against his hand, no longer protesting.

My vision comes back, focusing when JJ takes his fingers out of me. He unzips his shorts watching me. I should definitely protest to that, someone really might see us. But the only response I could give, was a nod with my head.

JJ flashed me a mischievous smile before sping me around in the wall.

His breath fans over my neck as he lifts my skirt more. I can tell how long I’ll last. JJ has the ability of knowing how my body works. That’s why I collapsed under his touch in seconds. The thrill of everything about this moment also wasn’t a big help. 

JJ gives a deep thrust as his hand is wrapped under my throat. I grip my hands onto JJ’s waist as he increases the pace. 

“I’m not gonna last long princess.” He murmurs as his hands are now on my waist lifting my ass. “You better cum faster.” I spread my legs wider as he says.

Crazy to think that a few minutes ago I was so against the idea of being fucked in public.

JJ flips me over again, this time facing me, he grabs one of my legs to his hips, I wrap around him deepening the contact, JJ gives me a wet kiss on my chest and a big suck on the skin of my neck. The orgasm races through me and leaves me breathless. I feel my legs shake. I held onto JJ’s shoulders as I whined. JJ gives a barely audible groan and buries his head between my neck and shoulder as he pumps into me.

He wasn’t kidding. He comes so fast that is hard to decide whether I should be impressed or tease him about it. He pushed his shaft into me one last time as his hand clamped my tight and hip.

Both of us breathless, we hear voices around us, I push JJ away and shove my dress down. JJ peeks and sees some figures pass us by a few steps away without realizing our presence.

JJ tucks his still-hard cock into his shorts looking to the sides.

“For a person that was talking about giving a show, you look very concerned,” I teased fixing my clothes.

“And for a person who was wet just from talking to me, you still act very bitchy. Didn’t I fucked you right?”

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✧˚ . taglist ˚✧ (join here): @loverofmarsss,

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

© maybank-archives 2023 — no one has permission to copy or translate any of my works, if you see any of my work being reproduced in another platform please contact me! :)

[lavender--fairy]

HEYY FAIRY!! I DID IT !! I MANIFESTED MY DESIRED FACE!!! okay i really wanna go in depth with this ask since i finally manifested my desired face. So i followed you just because you mentioned about how you manifested your df and i've tried and failed so many times its actually crazy. When i started i would affirm day and night (failed),tried self concept (failed), then i tried to enter the void (failed), tried shifting to a reality where i had my df (failed) and then you started posting edward art stuff and i am not even lying when i say it freed me in ways i didn't know i could be freed, i read all your posts and infact i would eagerly wait for your next post, i'd keep refreshing your blog in hopes that maybe you'd post and when you did i'd read it a thousand times ( i even have all your posts written in my notes just in case you decide to deactivate lol fan girl behaviour? yes) Anyways so i read your "be a doer" post and i decided to actually feel that i was who i wanted to be instead of thinking of it, it lasted a few days but i kept pulling myself back up since my college starts soon and i just cannot go looking and feeling the way i used to, so there was this burning desire to have what i wanted unlike any time before. But i had a hard time persisting and i figured out it was because i wasn't imagining what i want and because i kept switching my df like every other day (i got this from the "feeling and self" post you linked from edward art) so i took my time to figure out a face i loved and when i tell you it got so easy to persist (because i was imagining what i always wanted and it felt so nice that i naturally wanted to keep going back to feeling it) i did have a few doubts here and there but i read your posts and edward art's posts and i'd be back on track. There were alot of things that would bother me like 3d, the future, the past but when i imagined all of this didn't matter, i had my df right here and right now (i also manifested other stuff to build faith that the 3d will reflect no matter what, especially when i had thoughts like "what if it doesn't work?") nothing changed for a few days but i was busy imagining another thing that i did was i was trying to fix my appearance like instead of imaging my new face i'd imagine how i could fix my current appearance but i realized i dont have to do that, i can imagine a completely new face, a face that i loved and felt confident in. AND TODAY I WOKE UP WITH MY DESIRED FACE, I WAS SO SURPRISED LIKE OUT OF NO WHERE??? I LOVE WHEN THE LAW SURPRISES ME LIKE YESTER-NIGHT I WOULDNT HAVE EVEN GUESSED LIKE WTFFF?? UGH I LOVE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW I AM LITERALLY DANCING IN MY ROOM RIGHT NOWWW!! i dont have to be insecure and hide when someone points a camera at me ?? i am being treated better?? i am soo soo confident and sooo ready for college !! Thank you so much fairy i can feel warm tears roll over my cheek as i write this, i couldn't have done this without you thank you for freeing me, i will always and forever love you !! thank you

hey butterbean!! wow wow wow this is just amazing honey and your journey feels so close to my heart. I just cannot express how happy i am for you!! So so so proud of you that you did not give up!! i hope your life is full of joy !! sending love!!

[tlouxx]

Electromagnetism - p. 2

~ ellie williams x reader

——————————————————————————

part one | part three <3

synopsis: you and ellie williams have been long time rivals. you're a physics majors at wellesley college, and you’re competing for the same spot in the prestigious dr. ramsey’s lab as ellie. suddenly neither of you can escape the other as you’re both trying to navigate your final year of college.

content: college!ellie, mean!ellie, modern au, academic rivals to lovers, forced proximity, swearing, banter, eventual smut i swear, tensions rising between ellie and reader

——————————————————————————

Day 22

PHYS 302: Quantum Mechanics 

It’s only a few weeks into the semester, and this class is already demanding way too much of my time. Ellie and I are still sitting next to one another. I think both of us are too proud to move. Our first exam is coming up in less than a week, and to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I can tell Ellie is stressed out about it too. She’s been studying every free second, biting her nails down to a nub, and she wore that same shirt yesterday. Not that I’m keeping track! We are spending a significant amount of time together between our class schedule and work. I guess you begin to notice little details about someone when you’re with them almost everyday. Even if it isn’t by choice. 

…

I can’t think straight. So many variables are swirling around in my thoughts. Ellie. My increasing anxiety. This exam. Being the best at what I do. The professor lecturing is only background noise to the ardent contemplation of the current state of my life. Quite   frankly I’m struggling to understand what a quantum state is or why I should care about it. I’m only brought back to reality when I realize that Dr. L is talking to me. 

“Are you listening?” 

“I’m sorry. Can you repeat the question?”

“Can anyone else tell me what the variables are that define the quantum state of a system?” 

Ellie quickly speaks up, “Compatible and Incompatible.”

“Correct, Miss Williams.” Dr. L glares at me as she turns back around to the dusty chalkboard. 

…

I want to throw my head down against the desk. I knew that, and now I’ve made myself look like a fool in front of the class. I’m just so distracted by Ellie lately. Ever since she got in my face and said she intended to get the same lab position I’ve been dying to have, I feel frozen in time. I knew she wanted it, but it’s real now that she’s said it out loud. Getting into Dr. Ramsey’s lab could mean I have a fighting chance at grad school or even a future in research. It’s fucking important to me. It occurs to me that maybe Ellie and I could have an alliance. After all the saying goes, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. 

…

In the corner of my eye, I see Ellie chewing on her pencil. She’s studying again while I’m stuck explaining basic calculus to a freshman. It’s 8:07 p.m. Only 23 minutes till the end of my shift, but I tell her anyway that we’re closed for the night. I needed to escape the monotony of derivatives and integrals. 

Ellie’s head lifts up as she hears me escort the girl out the door. It seems I piqued her curiosity, “Why did you tell her we’re closed?” 

“She’s going to fail calculus with or without my help." I slump back in my chair knowing I'm barely conscious from my lack of sleep. "I’m just exhausted today. I don’t want to explain integrals again.” 

A smile appears on Ellie’s face. She looks down at her hands before looking up at me again. I think I almost made her laugh. 

“Trust me. I heard you explain it to her multiple times. I get it.” 

Before I know it, a smile is materializing on my face too. I laugh knowing we have a mutual understanding. To be honest, Ellie kinda intimidates me. Maybe that's why when I’m around her it makes my body feel like it’s on fire. I can hear my heart pumping as she starts to move in closer to me ever so slightly. I know she’s waiting for me to say something else. Maybe I should say something else. I hope she doesn't notice how I choke on my words as I try to speak.

… 

“Um, while we’re uh talking… I was just wondering how you felt about the exam on Friday.” 

Ellie settles into her seat. Confidence seeps out of every pore of her body. I watch as she sets down the pencil she was once chewing on. “It’ll be easy. Maybe not for you, but it will be for me.” 

“Sure… Ellie." I mirror her position. Trying to emulate the confidence she exudes. "I was just going to offer you some study tips in case you needed them.” I remark back at her. 

She leans forward in her chair. Without warning, the air between us seems to thicken. “You could barely keep up today in class. I certainly don’t need any of your help.” 

I lean forward too. “Really? Because I think that you’re studying every second you get because you know I’m better than you."

I stand up, and walk toward Ellie. As I begin to close the space between us, Ellie lifts herself out of her seat. She almost looks like she can't believe I'm saying this "..and you can’t stand the thought of it.”

Ellie looks like she's about to say something. Her mouth opens but closes. She turns around and opens up her bookbag. I watch as she rips a piece of paper out of a notebook. She writes something down.

She turns back around with a paper crumbled in her hand. Ellie inches toward me just like she did on our first night working together. My breath catches in my throat as my mouth goes dry. She pushes the piece of paper into my chest as I stumble backward. 

She swivels on her foot and begins to pack up her things. I grab the paper and look at it. She remarks “It's my number for when you realize you’re the one who needs my help.” 

… 

As I walk out of work, the cold of the night makes goosebumps appear all over my arms. I am still in shock of what just happened. Ellie pushes past me and into the emerging nightfall. Her perfume lingers behind. She smells of mint and eucalyptus. Not wanting to disturb her, I continue walking a few paces behind her.

My head feels clouded. I feel overwhelmed by all of the thoughts spinning around in my head. Did she seriously just do that? 

The moon brightens up the night sky as Ellie exits my view. My apartment building is only a few blocks away. I need to tell someone else about what happened tonight. I pull my phone out of my back pocket to text Dina. 

8:33 P.M 

you will never guess what just happened to me tonight 

D: What??! Spill please!

Well... I asked Ellie about the exam in 302 and she basically said it’d be easy for her, but not me. So i said well maybe i could give you tips so you wouldn’t have to study every second of the day. then she gave me her number?!!! and said to text her when i realize that i am the one that needs help??

D: oh my fucking god. 

isn’t she crazy? 

D: I mean.. I think you both are.

D: but i’m curious if that’s her real number? 

D: send it to me and i’ll let you know. 

you have her number?

D: we might’ve exchanged numbers at some point..

???

D" well…. we kissed once or twice. 

D: but we're not talking anymore 

omg. DINA! why didn’t you tell me!!! 

D: I thought you'd be mad and it was casual!!

D: send me the number!!! 

I threw my phone onto my bed after I sent the number over to Dina. I doubt Ellie would give me her real number. She probably just wanted to fuck with me. Not that it matters if its real or not.. I wouldn’t text her anyway. 

I’m disappointed that Dina didn’t feel like she could tell me about her and Ellie. I’m supposed to be there for her like she has been for me. I let this stupid rivalry get in the way of our friendship. Although when I look back on it, I don’t think they tried to hide it either. Maybe I’ve been too caught up in the fact that she was my nemesis to realize that Ellie and Dina were practically sitting on top of each other at parties or both missing at the same time. How could I have been so naïve to miss this?? My phone vibrates on my comforter. I feel my stomach drop. I’m not sure I even want to know. I open my messages with one eye open.

8:47 P.M. 

yep. that's ellie’s number. 

… 

Day 26

PHYS 302 : Quantum Mechanics 

The sun is shining in through the cracks of my blinds. My eyes are barely open. I feel the fatigue wash over me. The warmth of my bed is all-encompassing, but I know I have to pull the covers aside. My legs feel like lead as I walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth. The darkness under my eyes looks deeper than usual. I pulled an all-nighter studying for the exam today. I’m debating if I have enough time to run to the coffee shop down the street. I’m in desperate need of caffeine. 

I end up walking to get coffee.I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my eyes open without it. The wind is starting to have a chill to it as summer slowly bleeds away. The bell rings as I walk in the door. This is the coffee shop I originally met Dina in. Her hair was shorter then. Our friendship continued to develop the more and more I came here. Then we found out we were working together at the tutoring center, and well the rest is history. 

…

Walking into class with my iced latte in hand, I see Ellie. Her hair looks more disheveled than usual and her clothes wrinkled. Maybe I’m not the only one who pulled an all-nighter. 

I’m not sure if the caffeine is helping me or just making my anxiety worse. Despite my fear that I may not have studied enough, I feel confident. I tell myself today is going to be the day I’ll be setting the curve. Not Ellie. Staying up all night is going to be goddamn worth it when I see that smirk Ellie wears off her face. 

I look over at her as I sit down. She’s still biting her nails, but she doesn’t look at me. 

I shift my body to look at her. She finally looks up from her notes. I whisper to her “Goodluck Ellie.” 

Ellie looks at me and winks. She is wearing her exhaustion on her face, but her self-assurance is ever-present, “Goodluck to you too, sweetheart.” 

I turn back around seething. The heat is rising to my cheeks, but I don’t have time to think further because Dr. L starts handing out our exams. I’m ready for it.

… 

I’ve been anxiously pacing my room. Biting my nails even. I think Ellie is rubbing off on me. I dismiss the thought of becoming more like Ellie. The grades are going to be out tonight in 20 minutes. I continue walking back and forth on the hardwood floors of my room. I need to distract myself for just a little while longer. Instead, I keep brooding over my conversations with Ellie and the moment this exam score will come out. 

Only a few minutes are left until the email will pop up in my inbox. I spend this time running over the exam in my head again. I’m pretty confident I answered everything correctly. Well maybe except for question 25, but I think I’m overthinking it.

My laptop pings, and I know it’s the results. My hands are damp as I lift open the screen. The subject line reads Exam Results. I click on the link 

9:30 P.M. 

Subject : Exam Results 

Congratulations, 

You’ve received the top grade on exam one with a score of 100%. Take pride in this! 

Sincerely, 

Dr. L 

… 

I am buzzing with excitement. I shoot up out of my seat and sigh with relief knowing my hard work was worth it. I subconsciously start thinking of Ellie. How she feels in this moment knowing that I did better than her. I take pleasure in thinking that she’s jealous of me. Thinking of me right now too. I catch sight of Ellie’s note crumpled up on my desk. Before I know it, her number is in my phone, and I’m typing out a text to her. 

9:32 P.M. 

Need my tips now Ellie?

[realisticjupiter]

Can you do chishiya with someone who has family issues? And chishiya tries his best to comfort the reader? (Pls i wanna see him doing it 😭) thank you!

Summary: Chishiya understands exactly what you're going through.

Genre: I'd consider this fluffy angst

Pairing: Chishiya x gn!reader

Warnings: Trauma dumping on both ends, neglect by parents, lmk if I missed anything!

Word count: 478

A/N: I really hope this is okay! Also 😅 this isn't really him comforting you, it's more like you're comforting each other and ranting about both of your family problems. I don't really see him as someone who knows how to comfort someone well unless he's been in the same situation.

"I don't think I want to go back.." You whispered, words laced in emotions as you let yourself admit things to the Cheshire man in front of you.

"The original world?" Chishiya asked, tilting his head to subconsciously show his interest in the conversation.

You nodded.

You hated to admit that a world of pure death was better than your life before. But ever since you got here, you realized how freeing it felt. How different it was compared to the real world.

It wasn't something you were proud of, but more so something you couldn't control.

The thought and reminder of how much debt your parents put you into, and the lack of attention you received as a child, it made you realize how pathetic you were now.

You've come to terms that you didn't even care if you lived or died in this place.

"Why not?" Chishiya furrowed his brows, his face showing more emotion than when the conversation started.

You shrugged, your eyes stuck on the ground beneath you. "I'm afraid that--" You paused. "I'm afraid when I get back, my parents wouldn't even realize I was gone." When you said it out loud, you realized just how stupid that sounded.

"I understand." Chishiya muttered, watching as your body language changed the moment he spoke.

It was a sort of relief to hear Chishiya say something other than a question.

"You do?" You asked, finally putting your eyes on his.

"Mhm," He nodded, making a weak smile. "The only reason my parents were really together was to keep their status in the hospital." He shrugged, "They weren't even parents by the time I was... I-I don't know."

Now it was Chishiya who was avoiding eye contact. Unable to look at you, afraid of how you'd react to his pitiful past.

"Have you ever felt like you were destined to be alone?" You blurted, resting your chin on your raised knee.

Chishiya turned to you, taking in a long breath through his nose at your sudden question. "Yes. I don't think I deserve anything more than that." He nodded slowly through his words, watching as you stared at him with such interest and admiration.

"Psychology is weird. I don't know why I hate myself because of something my parents did." You continued to speak, letting small details of your past life fall out of your mouth before you could catch it.

"Maybe you don't hate yourself," Chishiya mumbled, "Maybe you just hate the thought of being your parent's child." His words were a pure projection of himself, but even after he spoke he was unsure if he had made complete sense.

"That sounds like the same thing." You commented, growing a soft smile on your face as you looked at him.

"It does." He nodded, mimicking your smile.

The silence was deafening as you both sat there, unsure what to do, or say with the new found information you shared with each other.

"Do you hate yourself?" You blurted.

Silence.

"..yes."

reposts and comments are appreciated <3

[papayatori]

Don’t Blink! (P3)

LN4 x fém!reader

No warnings

I’m not sure how long I’m going to carry on this series, I guess it depends on how well it does. I’ve got nothing but positives so far, so I hope it stays that way. I also take requests! Feel free to leave me some! (This one is kind of shorter, I’m sorry. Longer one next time!)

My alarm interrupted my peaceful sleeping. I was beyond pissed and could have thrown it across the room had it not simply been doing its God-forsaken job. I decided that, at the ungodly hour of 7am on a Saturday, that I would get up and make breakfast like normal human beings usually do.

How incredibly jealous I was of said human beings.

In about thirty minutes, I had started things in the kitchen. I had my morning cup of Chai and was ready to take on the world; and by the world, I meant the frying pan.

Pancakes were a delicacy that could not be coveted, an art that took decades to master. Pancakes with bacon were even better. Not to mention, keeping my apartment from burning down as an added plus. With that said, I gave all of my attention to the stovetop.

After a long battle with the floury pancake mix and attempting to turn it into a batter(there was now a huge mess to clean up later, yet another reason I have yet to master the art of pancake making), I had finally managed to have a breakfast fit for a king.

Or better yet, a breakfast fit for me.

I had decided to leave the mess to clean up later, I was hungry and it could wait. Though, I was proud of myself and couldn’t help but snap a picture of my breakfast and post it on Twitter.

I ate in a comfortable and relaxing silence. I had earned this after yesterday. Though, I hadn’t really stumbled upon last nights memories until now. Lando and I had texted for a while after I had gone to bed, him insisting that I never answered his ‘question’. At first I was really sure what he meant, but then I had come to the realization that he was asking when our next date was.

Silly me.

I would be lying if the thought of our time yesterday hadn’t sent me into a mess of smiles and butterflies every time I thought of it. Sure, I had always found Lando attractive, but never had I thought anything more than that. Why would I? I hadn’t met him until yesterday.

I’m starting to believe I might be going insane, and I will be blaming Lando for legal purposes.

Ding!

Startled, I looked down at my phone. I usually didn’t get many replies on Twitter, this was new.

And you didn’t invite me? I thought we were friends 💔

At first I was confused as hell, and then I read the name of the person who had replied.

Lando Norris

I shook my head with a small smile spreading across my lips. I wasn’t sure how he managed to find my social media, or why for that matter, but I suppose it wouldn’t have been too hard. I decided to reply anyway.

Maybe next time Mr. Norris

…

…

…

My laptop open, camera plugged in, I knew for a fact that these were going to be the easiest photos I’d ever edited. I plopped myself back down on my couch, satisfied with my breakfast and cleanup afterwards, one hindered percent determined to be productive today.

Woo hoo!

Okay, maybe that was a bit of sarcasm. Though, i wasn’t lying about these photos being easy to edit. The hard part, however, would be keeping my eyes off of Lando’s face for long enough to edit his photos.

Who knew such a thing could be so insanely difficult.

It was honestly frustrating trying to keep my mind away from him. I’ve dated my fair share of men, and I don’t think I’ve ever had this much trouble keeping my thoughts in check. This also begs the question, what exactly were we now? I’m not sure if our date had any romantic implications in the first place. He could have just been being friendly. I would be a fool to mention it.

A knock on the door pulled me completely out of my rambling thoughts, and a part of me was thankful. I got up to open it, curious as who the hell could be knock in on my door at 9am.

The door revealed the most beautiful pair of blue-green eyes I had ever seen.

“I brought you things!” Lando said excitedly, not waiting on me to let him in a pushing past me to the table in my kitchen.

“Good morning to you too, Lando.” I chuckled, following closely after him.

“So, first things first. I’m mad at you.” Lando pushed his bottom lip out, giving me a pout I couldn’t help but giggle at.

“And why would that be, Mr. Norris?” He glared at me.

“You know exactly why I’m mad at you.” He clicked his tongue. “Fortunately for you, that isn’t why I am here.” I tilted my head, urging him to continue.

Lando pulled some bits of paper out of the sack I hadn’t realized he was holding. His eyes were too much of a distraction for me to even notice. He smiled then, holding my gaze for a little longer than I had anticipated before finally breaking the silence once more.

“Sign these.” He slid the papers towards me.

“What am I signing exactly?” I asked. As he handed me the pen, our fingertips touched for a moment, sending electricity through my body. My face heated up and I reverted my eyes back down to the paper to keep from falling into his.

“It’s a contract. I worked my magic with Zak, you’re welcome, and he’s written up an official agreement for you to work for McLaren.”

“You’re lying.” I gasped, reading through the paper that said just about the exact same thing Lando had just described to me. “I thought you were joking.”

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up like that, not even after you had pancakes without me.” I rolled my eyes at his smirking figure. I ignored his comment.

“I just can’t believe it’s actually happening. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted something like this.” This time I looked up at Lando with the biggest, genuine smile he’s ever seen me wear, and instead of smirking, he actually gave me a genuine smile back.

“I’m sure you can believe this then.” He reached further down into the back, balling it up afterwards. “Paddock pass for Bahrain. You won’t need to worry about the flight or the hotel situation, you’re going to be staying in the same one as Oscar and myself. I think Zak will probably also be there this time around seeing as it’s the first race of the season.”

Before I could really think about what I was doing, my arms were wrapped around him in a tight embrace. He was quite taller than me, leaving my face buried into his chest. His muscles were tense, slowly easing as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Thank you, Lando.” I mumbled, my voice muffled from his chest.

“Anything for you, darling.”

Coming to my senses, I pulled away a bit quicker than I would have liked.

“Fuck, I’m sorry-“

Lando was laughing at me now, probably seeing how red my face was.

“I got a bit excited.” I continued to try and explain myself without sounding like a fan.

Well, I was a fan, but that was beside the point.

“Just don’t get so excited that you forget to sign those papers, Miss y/ln.” I looked down at them to find that he was right, I really had forgotten to sign the papers.

His hand squeezed my shoulder as I was writing, causing me to hesitate slightly before continuing. His touch sent waves of heat through me, heat that I could explain but most definitely couldn’t deny either.

I looked up at him when I finished, praying my face wouldn’t give away the things his touch did to me. He smiled sweetly.

“I can’t wait for next week.” He said, as if he were the one who had just signed contract papers with McLaren as their primary photographer.

“Neither can I.”

…

…

…

“This picture? Really?” Lando gave me a look as we pulled my laptop away from me on the couch. I should’ve learned my lesson last time he took something from me, but apparently I had not.

“I like that one! It brings out your eyes.” I stated proudly. He smirked.

“You like my eyes, do you?” I paused, not expecting for that sort of question after the moments we had spent in the kitchen.

“Maybe, maybe not; but one thing is for certain, and that is that the LN4 Twitter fan girls are infatuated with them, and that’s all I need for my entire career to blow up.”

Who was I trying to fool, myself? Lando sent me a knowing look.

“Staring contest, go!” I was completely caught off guard by this, not prepared in the slightest.

His eyes bore into my own, blinding me without any light whatsoever. They were full of so many emotions that I couldn’t place, though the joy behind his iris’s couldn’t be contained. I almost smiled at the thought that maybe I was the reason behind the joy he was feeling.

Don’t blink

I lost myself in his eyes, in my thoughts, perfectly content to stare into him for the rest of our time together. I hadn’t realized that that we had slowly drifted towards each other, my mouth parted slightly in instinctive anticipation. Was this really happening?

Then he stuck is tongue out at me.

I blinked in confusion at first, laughing at his action before realizing I had lost the staring contest.

“Oh fuck off!” I laughed, throwing on of the couch pillows at him.

“You’re just mad because I’m right!” He laughed along with me, seeing the dawning look of realization grow on my face.

The only reason we had a staring contest was just for him to prove the fact that I liked his eyes. This bastard knew what he was doing. Honestly, I was starting to like that.

Or maybe I was just starting to like him.

…

…

…

The late afternoon had rolled around after spending the entire day joking around with Lando.

So much for being productive.

I led him to the door on his way out. I’m not really sure why I didn’t want him to leave; but, his presence sure beat the hell out of being lonely and editing his photos all day.

“Thanks for today, I had a lot of fun.” I said, giving him a small smile as a thanks. He chuckled.

“So did I, other than the part where I didn’t get pancakes.” I rolled my eyes before an idea popped into my head.

“If you won’t hold this over my head anymore, maybe you could come over for breakfast tomorrow morning?” Proud of myself, I gave him a wink. He blanked, surprised I even offered.

“Sure! As long as I can consider it our second date.”

“A deals a deal.” I offered him my hand. He shook it with a triumphant smile, bringing my hand to his lips before gently kissing the back of it.

“I suppose I’ll see you in the morning then, darling.”

And with that, he was gone and the door had shut behind him. The only thing he left behind was the faint scent of his cologne.

[notmorbid]

hacks: season 1.

dialogue prompts from the first season of hbo's hacks. (some lines have been tweaked for rp.)

i didn't realize it was a shoes-off situation.

did you want a gold star for showing up?

you classist monster.

you're supposed to be on mute.

what are your feelings on the climate crisis?

i explicitly told you not to say my name.

we don't work together, you work for me. and not very well.

it doesn't get better. it just gets harder.

do i have big hands?

i have nothing left to lose.

fuck you, lemony snicket.

why do you keep sending me petfinder links?

i told you you were going to regret over-tweezing in the '90s.

the only thing i regret is not getting emancipated.

just don't do it on my time. or in my chair.

go ahead and disregard the picture i sent you.

i do miss you. as a friend.

you think you know everybody better than they know themselves.

you don't even have to go through security?

stop acting like a hillbilly and sit down.

i guess it's good you can be there for someone's kid.

i always drink too much when you're around.

i can radically accept that my mom is a cunt.

they say if you collect, it's not a problem, it's a hobby.

jesus. was it at least good coke?

let's blow this shit and go celebrate.

watching tv is practically like reading a book, at this point.

you're that girl who never got to sit with the cool kids and never got over it.

what a rush. i should blackmail more often.

i feel like we're about to win a bunch of money together.

do you want to do coke in the bathroom?

i would have had such a crush on you in high school.

sorry to be so blunt. we just did a lot of coke.

who even likes marvel movies, anyway?

you were right. i am a little shit.

i don't really have friends. i think that's a huge red flag about me as a human being.

the real work is in loving yourself for who you really are.

my father's in my phone as 'dickhead'.

i know two things: you are a good person, and we need to do some molly.

i don't think i've ever seen you not wearing pants. did somebody die?

what's going on here? premarital sex?

go get a book on attachment theory and a bottle of ativan.

you don't have my number saved?

this is why your building banned parties.

the keg-shaped hole in the wall could have been made by anything?

i have an amazing idea, but it's kind of insane.

that's such a creepy way to be woken up.

i have some weed edibles on me.

to be honest, i keep forgetting to have an opinion on it.

i think shitty things keep happening because i've been a self-centered asshole.

do you know how to play mahjong?

people would rather laugh at me than believe me.

it was great, until it wasn't.

you haven't even heard about when the vatican had it in for me.

it's the truth. it might be nice to finally fucking say it out loud.

you can make it funny. you can make anything funny.

i drink, like, a glass of water a month.

am i blushing?

maybe it's just because i watched carol last night.

i've honestly never met anyone like you.

pretty soon, you're gonna be the same age as me.

i am a grown-up, and you can't make me.

i'm gonna eat your dessert and go home.

i've never been this close to someone i wasn't hooking up with.

stop waiting for ___ to be proud of you and start doing things that make you feel proud of yourself.

hope you enjoyed the free show.

before you, i didn't care what happened to me.

you always make loving me feel like the easiest thing in the world.

what? i'm literally naked here.

oh, that's horrible. play it again.

you're young. you'll be fine.

the whole soul-baring thing seems awfully off-brand.

let's grab a table and talk some shit. come on.

i would have been more than happy to smoke weed with your mom.

well, anyway, he's dead now.

camping? how do i protect myself from bears?

if i'm not upset about it, you shouldn't be.

it's exhausting, beating everyone else to the punch.

never forgive, never forget, baby.

will you stay off webmd? it's bad for your personality.

i can't tell who's haim and who's just three people.

you've always had my back. that way it's easier to stab.

at least now we kind of get each other.

i promise not to send you unsolicited pornography anymore.

you know you're charming. it's annoying, actually.

true feminism is being able to just come out and say that some women are cunty monsters.

your accent makes everything sound smarter than it actually is.

when you share a sense of humor with someone, it's like speaking your own private little language.

we come into this world completely alone, and that's how we leave it.

i don't pretend. i never have.

did you change your signature scent recently?

can we get pulled over for having too much fun?

it's not from therapy, it's from mental health tiktok.

you do think about me, and i think about you. it's called a human relationship.

you don't get to tell me what's important.

i move forward. i always have. end of story.

who slaps people?

i'm worried if i don't say it now, i'll never say it.

do you want some coffee? i made some.

it involved an ice cream truck and a hot wire, and that's as far as i'll go.

my uncle really doesn't want me to do 23andme, so i'm pretty sure he's a serial killer.

i always felt really, really lonely here.

maybe my entire existence shouldn't just be a response to my shitty childhood.

you need to learn to cry without moving your forehead.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hello mara, recently i read your post named 'i am not a person of integrity', and i have been thinking about it for the past few days. it was beautiful and changed me to my core in a very positive way

i hope you are having a good day mara

do you have any manga recommendations lately?

hey anonymous -- i appreciate that; i have mixed feelings about the article in question, because 1) i am proud of the writing and having actually finished it, instead of being another one of those projects i start and drop, & 2) i:m not necessarily proud of the circumstances that prompted me writing it, and how it is 'tainted' from being written out of a bitterness;

i:d often thought about writing a retrospective for it, mostly just covering the following:

a. after i finished writing that article all of the weird related neuroses i had felt unwound and like i finally permitted myself to grow; i:d used to have these weird freaked-out 'episodes' of crying and panicking over the memories, and for what-ever reason that all stopped after i finally directly addressed the memory instead of doing a bunch of weak little tip-toeing and self-coping;

b. in the aftermath, and after 'wilderness' i had to learn to be more alone, and comfortable being alone, and comfortable dealing with pains and discomforts alone--and alone here would include not using the internet or 'venting'--and doing this changed a lot of my assessment over self and self-behavior; i think how i wrote and shared myself obsessively both hurt myself and people i ought to have loved more, all borne out of this intense fear of trusting myself to a quiet that i:d been terrified of;

c. in responses from other people, i sometimes worry people mistake the point was to be unapologetically perverted as though wallowing in muck and mistaking that muck for self leads to some assumed healing--there is probably merit in having shame and humility over some personal matters; mostly (and what i think helped me 'move on') was the issue of needing to address uncomfortable thoughts that burrowed inside myself and i had constructed convenient lattices around to support a status that was rotten. sometimes i worry, too, that this was interpreted as needing to be overly penitent--but the most important issue, i think, is that ability to finally confront something internal that you are terrified of confronting; those types of thoughts that, when they bubble up, your brain starts desperately trying to push-down and construct excuses and narratives for until it disperses into your body in a soft-forgetting till it inflames and bubbles back up again like some carrion odor.

d. i:d thought about deleting it a handful of times, due to the bitter root, but it keeps being left up; but: the phylactery part--after those weird neuroses started to die down and (in wilderness) i realized i had tied a bunch of my identity to visual novels and art and writing i found a greater peace in just giving up on all of those aspirations. i am not really an artist, or a writer, and may-be i don:t really care about visual novels whatsoever; there was something really freeing about that.

i haven:t really read manga this year at all, but i:ll recommend eden: it's an endless world! because it:s what i would want to read if i wanted to read manga--if you:re willing to be spoiled, you might like this video of the final few pages being synched up to a song it references, it:s one of my favorite videos (go ahead! spoil yourself!)

take care; natsunokumo is a manga i like, too, not completely translated last time i checked, though

[casual-tarot]

Closure on Your Situation

A song to listen to during this reading: Jacob and the Stone by Emile Mosseri

Pile 1

I'm hearing "burning briges." I think there's someone that was once very important to you that you're cutting out of your life. Spirit is telling me that this had to happen, it was an inevitable change that was always going to be part of your journey. It's an ending that was always going to come, that was necessary, and that's ok. Good things will be coming.

Maybe that's what you needed to here, that this time in your life, as heartbreaking as it is, is making room for something new, better, to come in. Maybe you'll get a new job offer, or a raise/promotion, maybe you will meet someone new. No matter your situation, something good is coming, and you should be excited.

This person that you cut out from your life likely didn't have the best intentions, or maybe they just weren't right for this part of your journey. They needed to leave to make room for new things, or so universe could teach you some sort of lesson. Not in a malicious sort of way, I myself lost a friend recently, and I realized it was spirit's way of telling me that I needed to set firmer boundaries, which would in turn lead something new into my life(we share similar stories, maybe you needed hear mine, and thats why I was called to tell you.)

Either way pile 1, keep strong! Keep going! It's going to get better, bright things are on the horizon, remember that. You're likely still learning spirits lesson right now, if you need more clarification I recommend looking into other readings. Whatever it is, spirit is proud of you because you're growing! I hope this helped.

Confirmation and signs: taurus, Gemini, Neptune, trident, Virgo, Leo, water, fire, water and fire together(complimentary and opposed), opposites, opposing sides, north node, moon, 1, 11, 111, 1111, 7, 77, 777, 8, 88, 3, 33, 6

(Note: I completely forgot what image pile 1 was when doing this reading, so it makes even more sense now lol.)

Pile 2

I'm getting the vibe that you're leaving something behind, and that it's scaring you. Maybe you've decided to leave a job or a partner or maybe you've decided to move. No matter what it is, I think the thing scaring you is that the people in your life won't approve. Whatever you're leaving is likely "safe" in the sense that yes its easy, but it doesn't make you happy. Maybe you yourself are doubting your choices because of that same reason. Safe doesn't always mean good. Now I'm not saying to go and do anything too drastic, but sometimes being impulsive can be a good thing.

For example I have a friend that decided to leave our hometown and go live a couple cities over, even though her friends and family all mostly live over here. She seems happier then ever with her decision, and free. And we still get to see her whenever shes free(if thats something you're worried about, leaving your loved ones behind). Another, smaller example is that I had impulsively decided to cut my hair, despite knowing my old haircut made me look "prettier" and knowing I'd have to deal with my families reactions. I don't regret it, I love my hair now, it finally makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.

Excuse the rambling lol, I just felt called to tell you that, maybe you needed proof that it's all going to be ok. You need to do what makes you happy, not anybody else. You're the one who has to live with it after all. I choose the thing that makes you smile. I hope you get to be happy and confident in your choices like we were, pile 2. I'm rooting for you.

Confirmation and signs: losing or leaving a job, 111, Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn, Leo, Aries, Sagittarius, 333, 666, 888, 777, earth, pentacles, money, finances, financial gain or loss, fire, creativity, passion, wands, venus, Fertility, femininity, accepting yourself, confidence, venus in furs, loving yourself, sensuality, sexuality, Pluto, rebirth, transformation, coming into your own, caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly, change, the moons, Cresent moon, first quarter moon, taking action, controlling your own destiny/fate

(Note: While editing this, I realized I referred to you as pile 3 a couple times, maybe you felt drawn to that pile as well! Go check it out if you feel called to.)

Pile 3

(It's 11:11 as I write this)

You seem to be feeling extremely guilty about something, maybe leaving a situation or person behind. It could be quitting a job or getting out of a toxic friendship, either way you feel selfish and not worthy. I'm getting the feeling that you think this is all your fault, blaming yourself for everything. You don't even feel safe in your own head at night when you need to rest, where you feel like you should be able to sleep it off. Your plagued with thoughts of what you did "wrong" here.

Let me tell you something pile 3, you didn't do anything "wrong" here. Whatever this is that's plaguing your thought, it's not your fault. Whatever situation you left, you left for a good reason. It was no longer serving you and/or was actively hurting you.

I feel called to tell you a story from my own life. Recently, I lost a very close friend of mine. We suddenly grew apart and I was plagued with doubts, wondering if I had done something wrong, if it was my fault. It's been months since I left them and cut them out of my life, and now I realize it was them. They suddenly pulled away and made it so I felt guilty about it, made it seem like it was my fault. It wasn't, they were just being cruel, even though I don't think they intended to. But I needed that to happen, I needed to realize they were a toxic person in my life and to be free of them. Now I feel better then ever, and I feel bad for the past me, who thought it was all my fault. I felt so alone. I fell into a deep depression and wouldn't tell anyone what was going on until I had cut that person out. But I'm glad it went through it, because it made me better for it, it made life better for me.

And if, IF, for whatever reason, you think you did make a mistake, no if's and's or but's, then that's ok too. We are human. We make mistakes sometimes. It's ok. We can grow from that too.

I'm sorry you're going through whatever it is you're going through pile 3, but know that it's not your fault, and you didn't make a mistake. It's ok. You're growing, and that means change. It means growing pains. It means leaving things behind. You will get through this pile 3, even if it takes some time. You will become better from this. This isn't your fault.

Confirmation and signs: fall/autumn, winter, change, end, snow, falling leaves, changing leaves, grey skies and cloudy weather, Aries, cancer, Sagittarius, Libra, 333, 666, 444, 1111, 999, earth, pentacles, stars, stars in the night sky, twinkling/sparkling stars, crying, rain, creativity, sickness, bed rest, hospital, rivers and creeks, forests, fire and flames, passion, hope, it'll all get better, it'll all be ok, the moon, the night, the night sky, The moons spirit, the moon Goddess, New moon(that made me emotional lol), change, venus, accepting yourself, inner peace, Jupiter, fate/destiny, this was meant to happen, it will all come to fruition soon, it will all come to an end soon, don't blame yourself, change is coming,gifts from the universe, unexpected gifts, gifts disguised and tragedies.

(Note: I feel like you may have been called to pile 1, if so check that one out too.)