#but I’m deeply afraid something worse is going to

[the-iron-general]

I have a very, very deep dark feeling that something is going to happen in this show that is going to emotionally destroy to such an extent that I’ll never recover.

[stylesispunk]

'You gave me something to lose'

Joel Miller x f!reader

summary: Joel is afraid of losing you.

wc: 4k>

warnings: angst, mentions of panic attacks, fluff. Messy writing cause this is an old draft.

a/n: this was on my drafts for so long so I'm posting this as a gift because I'm going to London for the next two weeks and I won't be very active on here. So once I return, I promise I'll write the pendant things and requests I have. I hope you like this one. Happy reading 💌

dividerers by @/saradika-graphics

Joel didn’t fear anything, not dying nor being alone or even broke.

Not the clickers, not darkness, but you.

when his mission to take Ellie to the fireflies became into caring for the teen, he felt panicked.

And when he learned he had fallen deeply in love with you, you gave him something to lose.

And he was frightened.

Joel had always been a fortress, walls built high and strong to keep out the pain and loss he had endured. But now, those walls were crumbling. Each moment he spent with you, each secret you both had shared, each tender touch, chipped away at the defenses he had so meticulously constructed.

Since the day Joel met you at the QZ in Boston, you had stolen something from him. He didn’t decipher what back then, but every time you weren’t on his sight, a knot formed on his stomach. Every time he caught a glimpse of you, his blood rushed into his cheeks.

And God, every single time you smiled at him, he could find a reason to keep surviving in this world, again.

And that’s why when you had decided to go after him, when he and Tess took Ellie with them to the fireflies. He had made up his mind, between the anger and tinted loved was feeling for you right at that moment, he had decided he was going to protect you more than anything or anyone. Even when you got on his nerves.

The journey to the fireflies was grueling. The roads were treacherous, infested with clickers and hunters. Every step was a battle, every night a gamble. But Joel was relentless. He led the way with a grim determination, always keeping you and Ellie close. The tension was palpable, a silent acknowledgment of the danger that lurked in every shadow.

One evening, as the sun dipped below the horizon, casting a warm orange glow over the desolate landscape, you found a moment of respite. The group set up camp in an abandoned building, its crumbling walls offering a semblance of shelter. Joel, ever vigilant, took the first watch.

You approached him, the flickering firelight casting dancing shadows across his weathered face. He looked up as you neared, his eyes softening slightly. “You should get some rest,” he said, his voice a low rumble.

You shook your head, sitting down beside him. “I can’t sleep. Too much on my mind.”

Joel glanced at you, the hint of a smile playing on his lips. “Yeah, I get that.” There was a pause, a comfortable silence settling between you. “You know,” he began, his voice barely above a whisper, “I never thought I’d feel this way again. Not after everything.”

You looked at him, searching his eyes. “What do you mean?”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’ve…” he paused, “Never mind.”

You furrowed your brow, sensing the weight of his unspoken words. “Joel, you can talk to me. Whatever it is, I’m here.”

He looked away, his jaw tightening. “It’s just… it’s hard to explain.” He paused again, just a few seconds, lifting his gaze up to yours “Why did you followed us three?” he asked.

The question caught you off guard, but you didn’t hesitate in your response. “I didn’t follow all of you. I followed you.”

“Why?”

“Because back in the QZ there wasn’t a life after you” you confessed, “Life sucks in there, but without you it would be worse.”

Joel’s eyes widened slightly, the vulnerability of your words hitting him harder than he expected. He stared at you, trying to process the depth of your feelings. “I never knew…”

“Of course you didn’t,” you interrupted softly. “You’ve always been so focused on surviving, on protecting Tess and yourself, that you’ve never stopped to see how much you mean to people. How much you mean to me.”

He shook his head, struggling to find the right words. “Good to know it because I feel the same about you.”

Your heart skipped a beat, his admission filling you with warmth. "Joel..."

He took a deep breath, his eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that made your heart race. “When I met you, I didn’t think I could care for anyone again. But you... you changed that.”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes, but you held them back, not wanting to break the cosmic moment “I’m glad. Because I can’t imagine going through this without you.”

Joel reached out, his hand cupping your cheek, his thumb gently brushing away a stray tear that had escaped. “Now can you, please go to sleep?”

“Can I sleep here?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

Joel’s expression softened, and without hesitation, he nodded. “Yeah, you can.”

He shifted, making room for you to lie down beside him. As you settled in, the warmth of his body next to yours was both comforting and grounding. You felt his arm wrap around you, pulling you closer, and you snuggled into his embrace, feeling safe and protected.

“Thank you,” you murmured, your voice muffled against his chest.

“For what?” he asked softly, his breath warm against your hair.

“For letting me in. For trusting me.”

Joel pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head. “I trust you more than anyone. And I’m glad you’re here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

You smiled, the weight of the world feeling just a little bit lighter in his arms. “We’ll figure it out together. “As the night deepened, the sounds of the wilderness outside seemed distant, the crackling fire casting a gentle glow around you. Joel’s steady heartbeat and the rise and fall of his chest were the lullaby that finally coaxed you into sleep. In his arms, you found a peace you hadn’t known in a long time.

He felt his heart giving up for you.

That had happened a few months ago.

And Joel had become afraid. He found himself lying awake almost every night, staring at the sky and the stars, a storm of thoughts raging in his mind. What if something happened to you? What if he couldn't protect you? The thought of losing you, of seeing the light fade from your eyes, was a nightmare he couldn't bear. It was a fear far greater than anything he had ever faced; greater than the harsh realities of the post-apocalyptic world he had navigated for so long.

During the day, he tried to push these fears aside, trying to focus on the present. But it was impossible. Every smile you gave him reminded him of what he stood to lose. Every time you reached for his hand, his heart ached with the weight of his love for you and the dread of its potential loss.

He watched you with Ellie, how you cared for her, and how you brought joy and laughter into her bleak world. He saw how you made her feel safe and loved, and it only made his feelings for you deepen. Ellie, too, had become a part of this fragile, makeshift family, and his love for both of you intertwined, creating a web of vulnerability he couldn't escape.

The wind howled outside, carrying with it the bitter cold of the frozen winter night. Inside the small, dilapidated cabin, a fire crackled in the hearth, casting a warm glow across the room. You, Joel, and Ellie huddled close to the fire, trying to fend off the chill that seemed to seep through the very walls.

Ellie poked at the fire with a stick, her eyes reflecting the dancing flames. "What do you think it’ll be like, Joel?" she asked, her voice filled with a mix of hope and uncertainty.

Joel looked up from the map he was studying, his eyes softening as he met Ellie’s gaze. "What do you mean?"

"After the cure," she said. "When this is all over. What do you think it’ll be like?"

Joel leaned back against the rough wooden wall, his mind drifting to a time long past. "I reckon things will be...different. Better, maybe. People could rebuild, start over. There might be schools again, towns with shops, places where kids can just be kids."

Ellie smiled at the thought, her imagination running wild with possibilities. "I want to learn to play guitar," she said. "Like you, Joel. You promised to teach me, remember?"

Joel chuckled softly, a rare sound in these harsh times. "Yeah, I remember. We'll find one, and I'll teach you. Maybe we can even have a little concert, you and me."

You watched the exchange, a warm feeling spreading through your chest. "What about you, Joel? What's something you’d want to do?"

Joel hesitated, his eyes flicking to you. "I... I’d like to have a place of our own. Somewhere safe. Maybe a little house with a garden. We could grow our own food, live a quiet life. Just...be together."

You smiled, your heart swelling with affection. "That sounds nice," you said softly. "Really nice."

The conversation drifted into a comfortable silence, each of you lost in thoughts of a hopeful future. You leaned against Joel, the warmth of his body a comforting presence. His arm wrapped around you instinctively, pulling you closer.

Ellie yawned and stretched out on the floor next to the fire. "I think I'm going to get some sleep," she said, her voice already heavy with exhaustion.

"Good idea," Joel replied. "I’ll keep the watch."

Ellie nodded and pulled her blanket tightly around herself, quickly drifting off to sleep. You and Joel stayed by the fire, the quiet crackling of the flames the only sound in the room.

"Do you really think there’s hope for a cure?" you asked quietly, your head resting on his shoulder.

Joel sighed, his fingers gently stroking your arm. "I don't know," he admitted. "But I have to believe there is. For Ellie. For you."

You tilted your head up to look at him, your eyes searching his. "You’ve been through so much, Joel. Yet you still find it in you to hope. That’s incredible."

He shook his head slightly. "It's not hope," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "It's you.”

Joel’s panic attacks had become more frequent as the days passed. Every quiet moment seemed to stretch into an eternity of worry and fear. He could feel the weight of his responsibilities pressing down on him, and the constant fear that he wouldn’t be able to protect you or Ellie gnawed at him relentlessly.

When the three of you had finally arrived at Jackson, Joel’s thoughts were a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. Jackson was a sanctuary, a place where you could all be safe, but his fears didn’t dissipate. If anything, they grew stronger. The more secure the surroundings, the more he worried about what could go wrong.

Jackson was bustling with life, a stark contrast to the desolate landscapes they had traversed. Children played in the streets, people worked in gardens, and there was a sense of community and hope that was almost overwhelming. Joel watched it all with a heavy heart, his mind racing.

He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was going to die, that some unseen danger would take him away from you and Ellie. The thought of leaving you unprotected was unbearable. That’s when the idea started to form: maybe the best way to protect you was to leave you in Jackson, where you’d be safe. Where you could even find someone younger than him to kept you alive.

Joel sought out his brother. He found Tommy in the community hall, finishing up some late-night paperwork. The room was quiet, the only sound the scratch of Tommy’s pen against the paper.

"Tommy," Joel said, his voice low and strained.

Tommy looked up, immediately sensing the urgency in his brother’s tone. "Joel, what’s going on? You look like you’ve seen a ghost."

Joel took a deep breath, his hands trembling. He sat down across from Tommy, his eyes filled with anguish. "I need to talk to you. It’s about Ellie and... and my….my " He couldn’t find the words to describe you. Calling you his lover wasn’t a proper word to use, it felt so weak. There was not nickname that could make justice to what you meant to him.

“Your girlfriend?” Tommy asked.

Joel nodded.

Tommy set his pen down, giving Joel his full attention. "Alright, tell me what’s on your mind."

Joel’s voice cracked as he spoke. "I don’t know how much longer I can do this. The fear... it’s eating me alive. I’m so scared something’s going to happen to them, and I won’t be able to protect them."

Tommy’s expression softened. "Joel, you’re in Jackson now. It’s safe here. We’ve got walls, people who care about each other. You don’t have to do this alone."

Joel shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes. "You don’t understand. I feel like I’m going to die, like something’s going to take me away from them. And then what? What happens to them if I’m gone?"

Tommy reached out, placing a reassuring hand on Joel’s shoulder. "We’ll take care of them, Joel. You’re not alone in this."

Joel’s tears began to fall, his voice choked with emotion. "I’m asking you to take Ellie with you. Keep her safe. And let my baby stay here in Jackson. She deserves a life that’s not filled with running and fear."

Tommy’s eyes widened in shock. "Joel, are you sure about this? You’re talking about leaving them behind."

"I’m not leaving them," Joel said, his voice trembling. "I’m trying to protect them. They’ll be safer without me."

Tommy sighed, his heart breaking for his brother. "And what about you, Joel? What happens to you if you leave?"

Joel wiped his tears, trying to steady himself. "I’ll find a way to keep going. I just need to know they’re safe. That’s all that matters."

Tommy nodded slowly, understanding the depth of Joel’s fear and love. "Alright, Joel. If this is what you think is best, I’ll take care of them. But you need to talk to them first. They deserve to know why you’re doing this."

Joel nodded, his heart heavy with the weight of his decision. "I will. Thank you, Tommy."

Tommy pulled Joel into a tight embrace; his voice filled with emotion. "We’re family, Joel. We take care of each other."

Joel clung to his brother, the tears flowing freely now. He knew the conversation with you and Ellie would be one of the hardest things he’d ever have to do, but he also knew it was necessary. The fear of losing you both was too great to ignore, and he hoped that, in time, you would understand why he had to make this choice.

Joel walked slowly to Ellie’s room, his heart heavy with the burden of what he was about to do. He knew this conversation would be one of the hardest of his life, but he also believed it was necessary. He took a deep breath and knocked softly on her door.

“Come in,” Ellie’s voice called from inside.

He opened the door and stepped into the room. Ellie was sitting on her bed, reading one of the books she had found in Jackson’s library. She looked up and smiled when she saw him, but her smile faded when she noticed the serious expression on his face.

“Joel, what’s wrong?” she asked, her brows furrowing with concern.

Joel closed the door behind him and sat down on the edge of the bed. He looked at Ellie, her young face full of life and determination, and it made his heart ache.

“Ellie, we need to talk,” he said softly, struggling to find the right words.

Ellie set her book aside and gave him her full attention. “What’s going on?”

Joel took a deep breath, his hands trembling slightly. “Ellie, I’ve been thinking a lot about our journey, about everything we’ve been through. And... about what comes next.”

Ellie shook her head, her voice rising with emotion. “Joel, no. We’re supposed to stick together. We’re a team.”

Joel looked down, unable to meet her eyes. “Ellie, I’m not sure I can keep doing this. The fear... it’s too much. I’m scared something’s going to happen to you, and I won’t be able to protect you.”

Ellie reached out, placing a hand on his arm. “We protect each other, Joel. That’s how we’ve always done it.”

Joel swallowed hard, his voice breaking. “I’m asking Tommy to take you to the fireflies. He’ll keep you safe until you arrive to the hospital.”

Ellie’s eyes filled with tears, and she shook her head fiercely. “No, Joel. I’m not going without you. We’ve come this far together, and I’m not leaving you.”

Joel’s heart ached at her words, but he forced himself to continue. “Ellie, you need to understand. I’m not... I’m not your father. I can’t be the one to keep you safe forever.”

The words hung heavy in the air, and Ellie’s tears began to fall. “You’re the closest thing I’ve ever had to a father, Joel. Don’t you get that? Fuck”

Joel’s own tears threatened to spill over, but he steeled himself. “But you’re not my daughter and I’m not your father.”

Ellie shook her head, her voice filled with desperation. “No, Joel. Please. Don’t do this. We need you.”

Joel reached out, cupping her face in his hands. “I need you to trust me, Ellie. This is the best way to keep you safe.”

Ellie pulled away from his touch, her face a mix of anger and heartbreak. “I don’t want to be safe if it means losing you. You and her are all I have, Joel.”

Joel stood up, his heart shattering at her words. “I’m sorry, Ellie. But this is how it has to be.”

He turned and walked toward the door, each step feeling like a lead weight. He paused at the doorway, looking back at Ellie one last time.

With that, he walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind him. He leaned against the wall, his heart breaking at the sound of Ellie’s muffled sobs. He knew this was one of the hardest decisions he had ever made, but he believed it was the right one.

As he stood there, trying to compose himself, he heard footsteps approaching. You appeared at the end of the hallway, having heard the conversation. Your eyes met his, and in that moment, he saw the same mix of anger, hurt, and confusion that Ellie had shown.

You approached Joel slowly, your face a mix of anger and hurt. He could see the questions in your eyes, the need for an explanation that would make sense of the pain he had caused.

"Joel," you said, your voice trembling. "What are you doing?"

Joel looked down, unable to meet your gaze. "I'm trying to keep you both safe. You and Ellie. This place, Jackson... it's where you can have a real life."

Your eyes narrowed, and you took a step closer. "And you think abandoning us is the way to do that? How could you even consider leaving us behind?"

Joel sighed, his shoulders slumping. "It's not abandoning you. It's making sure you're protected. If something happens to me—"

You cut him off, your voice rising with emotion. "Don't you get it, Joel? We need you. Ellie needs you. I need you. You're the reason we've made it this far. You can't just walk away."

Joel's eyes were filled with pain as he looked up at you. "I can't shake the fear that I'm going to die, that I won't be there when you need me most. I thought if I left, you'd be safer."

You stepped even closer, your anger giving way to desperation. "Safer? Joel, we've faced everything together. We protect each other. How can you think we'd be better off without you? How can you think I would be better off without you?""

Joel's voice was barely a whisper. "Because I can't bear the thought of losing you.”

Your heart ached at his words, but you knew you had to make him understand. You reached out, taking his hands in yours. "Joel, I love you. I need you with me, not just for protection, but because you're my love. Leaving me won't keep me safe; it'll break me."

Joel looked at you, tears welling in his eyes. "I don't know if I can do this. The fear is... it's too much."

You squeezed his hands, your voice gentle but firm. "We'll face it together, Joel. Just like we always have. You're not alone in this. Please, don't leave me."

Joel pulled you into a tight embrace, his tears finally spilling over. "I'm so scared," he admitted, his voice choked with emotion.

You held him close, your own tears falling. "I know, Joel. But we're stronger together. I need you. Ellie and I need you"

As you stood there, holding each other in the quiet of the hallway, Joel felt the weight of his fear begin to lift. The love and determination in your voice gave him the strength he needed to keep going. At least for a bit.

After a long moment, Joel pulled back slightly, looking into your eyes. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice filled with sincerity. "I was trying to do the right thing.”

You nodded; your heart full of relief. "We'll figure it out, Joel. Together."

Joel took a deep breath, cupping your face in his hands. “I love you so much,” he said, pecking your lips.

Your heart swelled with emotion as you returned his kiss, a soft, reassuring touch. “I love you too, Joel,” you whispered, your voice steady with conviction.

Joel rested his forehead against yours, closing his eyes as if trying to etch this moment into his memory. “I just don’t want to lose you or Ellie. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to either of you.”

You stroked his cheek, your thumb brushing away a stray tear. “We’re not going anywhere, Joel. We’ve made it through so much already, and we’ll keep making it through. Together.”

He nodded, pulling you into a tighter embrace, the warmth of his body a comforting reminder of his presence. “Together,” he repeated, his voice more confident now.

You pulled back slightly from the embrace, looking up into Joel’s eyes. "Come on," you said softly, taking his hand. "Let’s get cleaned up. It’s been a long day."

He nodded, allowing you to lead him down the hall to the bathroom. The room was small, but it had a functioning shower—one of the many luxuries you had come to appreciate in this place. You turned on the water, adjusting the temperature until it was just right.

Joel stood there, watching you with an exhaustion and adoration. He started to undress, his movements were slow You did the same, your eyes meeting his with every piece of clothing that fell to the floor. There was an unspoken understanding between you. Both of you bared int front of each other, stealing glances of your bodies in display.

Once you were both undressed, you stepped into the shower together. The warm water cascaded over your bodies, washing away the grime and tension of the day. You reached for the soap, lathering it between your hands before gently running them over Joel’s shoulders and back.

He sighed, leaning into your touch. "You don’t have to do this," he murmured.

"I want to," you replied, your voice tender. "Let me take care of you." You said, pressing a kiss on his wet shoulder.

You continued to wash him, your hands moving in soothing, circular motions. The warmth of the water and the intimacy of the moment began to ease the tension in his muscles. When you reached his hair, you took the shampoo and began to work it into a lather, your fingers massaging his scalp.

Joel closed his eyes, a soft groan escaping his lips. "That feels nice," he admitted.

You smiled, continuing to wash his hair with gentle care. "Good. You deserve to relax."

After rinsing the shampoo from his hair, you handed him the soap. "Your turn," you said with a playful smile.

He took the soap, his hands surprisingly gentle as he began to wash your shoulders and back. The feel of his strong, calloused hands against your skin was comforting, a reminder of how much you meant to each other. He took his time, his touch tender and affectionate, showing the love he felt for you.

When he reached your hair, he repeated the process, his fingers working the shampoo through your locks with the same care you had shown him. You closed your eyes, savoring the sensation of his hands in your hair and the warmth of the water cascading over you.

For a while, the two of you stood there, simply enjoying the closeness and the rare moment of peace. The world outside might be filled with danger and uncertainty, but here, in this small bathroom, there was only love.

When you were both clean, you turned off the water and reached for a towel, wrapping it around Joel’s shoulders before taking another for yourself. You helped each other dry off, the intimacy of the moment deepening the existent bond between you.

Joel looked at you, his eyes filled with gratitude and love. "Thank you," he said softly.

You cupped his face in your hands, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. "We’re in this together, Joel. Always."

He nodded, pulling you into a tight embrace. "Together," he echoed.

As you both stood there in the warmth of the bathroom, wrapped in towels and each other's embrace, the bond between you felt stronger than ever. The fear and uncertainty of the world outside seemed to fade away, leaving only the love and trust you had for each other.

Joel kissed the top of your head and took your hand, leading you back to the bedroom. The soft glow of the lamp illuminated the bedroom, casting a warm, golden hue over the room. You both moved slowly, savoring the peaceful moment.

You helped Joel into bed, making sure he was comfortable before slipping in beside him. He pulled you close, his arms wrapped protectively around you. The simple act of being in his arms felt like the safest place in the world.

Joel tilted his head slightly, his lips brushing against your forehead as he spoke. "I love you so much," he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. "More than I can ever put into words."

You looked up at him, your heart swelling at the raw honesty in his eyes. "I love you too, Joel. So much."

He took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving yours. "I don't think I've ever felt this way before. I mean, caring this much for someone. Not since Sarah. And it's... it's scary. But it's also the most wonderful thing I’ve ever felt."

Your heart ached for him at the mention of Sarah, but you knew how important it was for Joel to express his feelings. You placed a gentle hand on his cheek, your thumb brushing against his stubble. "It's okay to be scared, Joel. But you're not alone in this. We’re in it together."

Joel nodded, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You've given me something I thought I’d lost forever. Hope. A reason to keep fighting. And I want you to know that I’ll do everything I can to protect you, to make sure we have a future together."

You leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to his lips. "We’ll protect each other. And we’ll build that future, one day at a time."

He wrapped his arms around you tighter, holding you close as if trying to memorize the feeling of having you in his arms. "I promise you, I'll never let anything happen to you. You and Ellie mean everything to me."

You snuggled closer, your head resting on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. "And you mean everything to us, Joel. We're stronger together."

Joel sighed contentedly, his fingers gently tracing patterns on your back. "Thank you for standing by me, for believing in me. I don't know what I’d do without you."

You smiled against his chest, feeling the warmth of his love envelop you. "You'll never have to find out, because I'm not going anywhere."

With that, you both drifted into a peaceful sleep, the worries of the world outside momentarily forgotten. In each other's arms, you found solace and strength, ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead together.

Hours later, Joel woke up in the middle of the night, the room shrouded in darkness. He instinctively reached out for you, but his hand found only empty space. Panic surged through him, his heart pounding as he sat up, his eyes scanning the room.

"Baby, where are you?" he muttered, throwing the blankets aside as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He quickly pulled on his pants and a shirt, his movements hurried and frantic. The fear of losing you, so deeply ingrained in his mind, took hold as he rushed out of the bedroom.

He moved swiftly down the hallway, his mind racing with worst-case scenarios. Had something happened? Had someone taken you? The thoughts were unbearable. He reached the top of the stairs and bolted down them, nearly stumbling in his haste.

When he reached the bottom, he paused, his eyes darting around the living room. Relief washed over him as he saw you sitting on the couch, a cup of tea cradled in your hands. You looked up, startled by his sudden appearance.

"Joel, what’s wrong?" you asked, concern etching your features.

He let out a shaky breath, his heart still racing. "I woke up and you weren’t there," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. "I thought something had happened to you."

You set your tea down on the table and stood up, crossing the room to him. "I’m sorry," you said softly, reaching out to touch his arm. "I couldn’t sleep, so I came down to make some tea. I didn’t mean to scare you."

He pulled you into a tight embrace, his arms wrapping around you as if to reassure himself that you were really there. "It’s okay," he murmured into your hair. "I just...I can’t bear the thought of losing you."

You held him just as tightly, feeling the intensity of his emotions. "You won’t lose me, Joel. I promise."

He nodded, pulling back slightly to look into your eyes. "I know. It’s just...sometimes the fear gets the better of me."

You cupped his face in your hands, your thumbs brushing over his cheeks. "I understand," you said gently. "But we’re safe here. We have each other."

He sighed, the tension slowly easing from his body. "Yeah, we do."

"Come on," you said, taking his hand and leading him to the couch. "Sit with me for a while. The tea is still warm."

He followed you, sitting down beside you on the couch. You picked up your cup and handed it to him. "Here, takes a sip. It’ll help you relax."

He took the cup, his hands still slightly trembling. He sipped the tea, the warmth spreading through him, helping to calm his nerves. "Thanks," he said, his voice steadier.

You leaned against him, your head resting on his shoulder. "We’ll get through this, Joel. Together."

He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer. "Yeah, we will."

The two of you sat there in the quiet of the night, the warmth of the tea and the comfort of each other’s presence soothing the fears that had momentarily overwhelmed him. In that moment, Joel felt a renewed sense of peace, knowing that as long as you were by his side, he could face anything the future held.

As the minutes passed, the tension in Joel's body melted away. He looked down at you, your eyes closed, content and calm. He pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead. "I love you," he whispered, the words carrying all the weight of his heart.

"I love you too," you replied softly, without opening your eyes.

Joel took another sip of the tea, its warmth soothing him from the inside out. The night was still and quiet, a rare tranquility enveloping your home. He gazed around the room, taking in the modest, yet comforting surroundings. This place, this sanctuary in Jackson, could become more than just a shelter. A home.

You snuggled closer to him, and Joel felt a profound sense of gratitude. For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to truly believe in the possibility of a future filled with hope and love. The horrors of the past, the constant threats of the present, they all seemed a little more bearable with you by his side.

"We’ve been through so much," he said quietly, his fingers gently stroking your hair. "But sitting here with you, it makes it all worth it."

You opened your eyes and looked up at him, a soft smile playing on your lips. "We’ve found something real, Joel. Something worth fighting for. And no matter what comes our way, we’ll face it together."

Joel nodded, feeling the truth of your words settle deep within him. "Together," he echoed, his voice filled with conviction. "Always."

The two of you sat there in the stillness, the warmth of each other's presence a balm for your souls. Joel felt a sense of peace he hadn't known in years. With you, he had found a reason to hope, to believe in a better tomorrow.

As the night wore on, the exhaustion of the day began to catch up with him. You noticed his eyelids growing heavy and gently took the cup from his hands, setting it on the table. "Come on," you whispered, standing up and offering your hand. "Let’s get some rest."

Joel took your hand and allowed you to lead him back to the bedroom. The room was still bathed in the soft glow of the lamp, casting a warm light over the bed. You both slipped under the covers, and Joel pulled you close, your bodies fitting together perfectly.

With you in his arms, the fear and anxiety that had plagued him earlier faded away. The rhythm of your breathing, the steady beat of your heart against his chest, all served as a reminder of the love and strength you shared.

"Goodnight, Joel," you murmured, your voice filled with tenderness. "Goodnight," he replied, pressing a final kiss to your forehead.

As he closed his eyes, Joel felt a deep sense of contentment. No matter what the future held, he knew that with you by his side, he could face it all. Together, you had built something beautiful amidst the chaos, and that was something worth holding on to.

In the quiet darkness, with you in his arms, Joel finally allowed himself to drift into a peaceful sleep, dreaming of the life you would continue to build together, one filled with love, hope, and endless possibilities.

[amuseoffyre]

I’m emotionally ruined by the fact that Aziraphale hasn’t broken out of his heavenly conditioning. He still loves doing good. He gets happy when people tell him he’s an angel and says “it’s nice to tell people about the good things you’ve done now that I’m not reporting to Heaven”. He will literally put himself in harm’s way to make sure he does the Good and Right thing.

It can’t be understated how much Heaven’s influence still impacts on him. Aziraphale has been created, ordained and conditioned to believe it and he can’t just switch it off or walk away. Crowley didn’t get the choice. He was Fallen. He was kicked out and - as per the rules of toxic and terrifying cults - Aziraphale was always told for centuries and millennia, Falling was the worst thing that could happen. If you’re bad, you’ll be forced out. If you’re bad, you’re not one of Us. You’re one of Them.

When he did something he perceived as Right (ie. saving innocent children from death), but knew it wasn’t what Heaven intended, he broke down. Crowley found him a crying, shaking wreck afterwards because he was so convinced he was Evil. He was so convinced he was going to be dragged to Hell and that he was now a demon because he did one thing that saved some children but because it wasn’t a specific directive, it was Bad.

It shapes so much about him and it’s why the whole series looks like he’s having so much fun doing silly human things, but there’s this brittleness to it. He’s happy and excited and he’s doing his human-life things and having a lovely time, but he’s also constantly stressed because of the Need To Do Good. From the moment Gabriel turns up, he’s a nervous wreck and is trying to hide it by Doing Good, by Solving the Problem, by Fixing Things, by being so active and reactive rather than letting himself think about it. It’s a sign of exactly how frantic he is that he starts giving away his books and letting humans touch them.

Watch his face when the Archangels show up unexpectedly: that isn’t joy. That’s blind terror. He’s so afraid of doing the wrong thing in Heaven’s eyes, even though he made the active choice to do so because it was the Right thing to do. He’s a Guardian and he will protect, but he is so very afraid of the repercussions, even now. 

At the end of S1, Crowley said “they’re gearing up for the big one” so Aziraphale’s not oblivious. He knows a big one is coming. He knows something worse than the Antichrist will be on its way. And he’s trying so hard to pretend that everything is normal and fine and if he ignores all the looming bad stuff, it won’t happen. If we don’t say anything about it, nothing has to change.

But then the changes come knocking at his door holding a box and the choice is gone. He can keep trying to blinker himself to it, but then there are angels and demons in the bookshop and he’s had to use his halo and everything is falling apart.

So when he realises that he can get himself into a position where he can guarantee those repercussions won’t happen to Crowley? He will absolutely take it. He says himself “I don’t want to go back to Heaven”, but the instant the Metatron offers him a free pass for Crowley, to take Crowley out of both Heaven and Hell’s sightlines, to keep him safe (Another bee inside the hive, if you will), no wonder he grabs it with both hands.

The tragedy is that Crowley thinks that when they saved the world together, that was the end of Heaven’s influence in Aziraphale. When he was cast out the split between him and Heaven was sharp and clean. He doesn’t - he can’t - understand how deeply it has tangled around Aziraphale. It’s built into Aziraphale’s entire being and unravelling it isn’t that simple. Aziraphale’s trauma is a horrible, terrible Gordian knot and Crowley can’t understand that he couldn’t simply cut through it, because that’s just not how Aziraphale works.

[strniohoeee]

reader is down bad for matt, like she blushes, giggles, goes mute whenever he's around and he kinda enjoys it and one day he finally asks her to go an a date and it ends super fluffy

She’s Got It Bad

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: Y/N was out of her mind in love with Matt, but she was shy. Which left her in awkward silent situations until one day Matt puts his foot down! 🌷

Warnings⚠️: None?? Writing kind of sucks also sorry if there’s grammatical errors I never proof read till two days later after I post lolll😭

Song for imagine: This Is How It Feels- D4vd, Laufey

So this is how it feels

To fall in love with you

To always think of you

To always dreams of you

You know when you’re reading or watching a romance book or movie, and one of those super cheesy slow mo scenes happen? Where an 80s love song is queued and the two love interests stare at each other while their hair oh so dainty blows in the wind? And you’re curling your toes as your heart beats for the next scene to happen? Just thinking “I need more! Give me more!” And then it goes back to reality and they end up walking right past one another….

And it wraps you into this hour and a half or 230 page book/movie about the girl wanting the guy….but the guy not really wanting her or simply seeing her as a sister or painfully shoving her in the friend zone? And you’re itching for more. Tired of this back and forth of who will get one another first?

And if you said yes to any of those questions then you are sure looking at my life right now…stuck painfully stuck in the friend zone. Mainly because I put myself there. Let's face it, I'm deeply afraid of rejection. Why ruin something that is virtually perfect.

I had it bad for Matt and I’m not so sure he felt the same way, but I’d never in a million years ever jump at that. I’d rather rip my ears off and tape them to the concrete and then run them over consistently for an hour… okay a bit graphic and a bit over the top but you get the point. He’s off limits and I’ve got it bad for him…

Most of our interactions consisted of short conversations, me blushing like an idiot and even sometimes going silent..offering a nod here and there. It’s even gotten to the point of having to leave the hangout because I was so nervous around him. I mean what if I said something that he found cringey? What if I embarrassed myself which I tend to do a lot might I add? Or even worse…what if he didn’t find me funny?

All these terrible instances bounced off my brain like a bullet ricocheting off of metal walls. As I sat chewing my lip, suddenly my thoughts were interrupted

“Helloooooo” I heard loudly from the other end of the phone call

Blinking out of my trance I soon realized I had been on the phone.

“I’m sorry Nick I got side tracked” I replied gripping the phone again

“Yeah I can tell you went rogue for like 3 minutes there, did you even hear what I asked you?” He asked laughing

“Uhhh yeah and I think you should go with the yellow shirt” I replied praying I wasn’t so far off from what he was talking about

“That was like 10 minutes ago, I asked are you coming or what?” He said huffing

“I’m sorry? Coming? Where?” I asked again as I furrowed my eyebrows

“This is why I don’t call you, you have the attention span of a fly” he said laughing which caused me to laugh

“I’m sorryyyy I was thinking about something” I replied to him

“Aren’t you always… I was asking if you were coming over tonight for movie night?” He said shuffling around

“Ohhh duhh of course I never miss Saturday nights with you” I said getting up to pack my overnight back

“Even though Matt and Chris are joining us this time?” He asked

This is where I hadn’t been listening previously and I almost choked on my saliva trying to form a proper answer.

“Uh.. *ahem* yes of course they can join us” I replied trying to seem chill

“Wow sooo nonchalant about that” he stated sarcastically

“Oh will you shut up” I replied stuffing my duffle bag

Nick opened his mouth to speak but on the other end it sounded like someone walked in his room

“Matt get the fuck out I’m on the phone” Nick said which made me laugh a bit

“Who are you talking to?” I heard Matt ask his brother

“Your girlfriend now fuck off” he said almost hissing at Matt

“NICK STOP” I squeaked over the phone

“I don’t have a girlfriend you sicko” Matt stated sounding annoyed…. I looked up at my imaginary camera (hmm how do I take that response) I thought.

Shaking that feeling off I returned to the call

“Okayyy bye nickkkk see you in a bit” I replied rushing him off the phone

Hanging up the call I sighed deeply… if I wasn’t already nervous to possibly run into Matt then oh boy was I in for a treat

Usually, Saturday nights were for Nick and I and I rarely ever ran into Matt or Chris. Usually it was Chris and him and I had a cool bond. We’d stop to hug and chat for a bit before Chris left to go out. And if I ever ran into Matt it was him leaving with Chris which prompted me to wave slightly and avoid all hugs. Rambling on about Nick needing me for something upstairs each time and not even giving them the chance to respond.

I usually shut my eyes and shook my head when I turned away from them and even muttered a few unkind words about myself to myself….

But tonight…tonight Matt was joining us which meant I couldn’t be awkward around him or else Nick would for sure point it out.

I had gotten to their house with dinner for all of us which we landed on chilis…. Good thing I was 21 I needed a to go drink…preferably strong!

Sitting in their living room as we all began to eat, Nick scrolled through Max as we sat on the floor with our food on the coffee table.

“We should watch Silver Linings Playbook I heard it was good” I said looking over at the tv as Nick had just passed the movie

“I’m down” Chris said shrugging his shoulders

Nick and I usually watched action movies where we’d see a bunch of sweaty hot men fighting bad guys. And most of those movies we’d just yell out if we’d smash the guys or not. I don’t know that Matt and Chris would want to take part in that so a rom-com was for the win!

Max was playing a few ads before the movie and as I was sipping my margarita in a styrofoam to go cup (how niche) Matt had called my name

Looking over at him I raised my eyebrows at him.

“Do you like rom-coms?” He asked me

I felt my ears getting hot and my face too….good thing I’m drinking and I can just blame it on the alcohol.

“I do, I love them actually” I replied nodding at him

“I love them too” he said smiling at me as he ate a fry

“Nice” I said nodding my head and looking over at the tv…why the fuck were their ads still playing? Squinting I turned back around to face him

“Uhh what’s your favorite?” I asked him clearing my throat

“I’d have to say 10 things I hate about you” he replied wiping his hands

“SHUT UP! Me too” I replied getting really excited and loud (blaming it on the alcohol once again)

“No way” he replied laughing

“No! like I swear! I have all the romance movies I’ve ever seen ranked in my notes app and 10 things I hate about you is number one, look see” I replied rambling as I opened up my app and showed him

His brows raised…an impressed look might I add

“Wow Y/N didn’t know you were such a hopeless romantic” he said winning at me

This made my heart flutter and my voice disappear? Sinking into my skin I nodded at him before turning to watch the tv

Throughout the whole movie I kept catching Matt looking at me but he’d look away quickly. This made my skin crawl in a good way though

The movie finished and I found myself emotional. I mean it wasn’t a sad movie but rather beautiful. Nick and Chris had gone to lay on the couch at some point in the movie.

So to no surprise Matt and I turned to find them fast asleep. Shaking our heads we cleaned up the living room and headed to the kitchen to place everything in the trash.

The hallway light illuminating the kitchen as I washed my hands

“I almost feel like Silver Linings Playbook is my number one rom-com” Matt and I both stated at the same time

Laughing I shut the water off and turned towards him

“I guess we really are similar” I said to him as I crossed my arms over my chest

“I suppose so, but I wouldn’t know you’re always running away from me” he said quietly

“Am not!” I replied standing up straight

“You’re always running away from me as fast as possible, you don’t hate me do you” he stated as he wiped down the table

“No” I replied watching his every move

“Then why do you run away? Do I stink?” He asked laughing

“No! You just happen to catch me when I’m busy” I say lying through my teeth

“Right…I suppose so, I do know how to get you at the right time though” he stated throwing the paper out

“Do you?” I asked cocking an eyebrow

“Yeah…when I take you on a date and have all your attention so we can really get to know each other”he says

“Well we’re friends so I do know you” I reply rolling my eyes

“No…know me on a different level that’s not…friends” he says smiling at me sweetly

“Not friends?” Was all I could mutter

“Just say yes to the date you loser” he replied shaking his head

“Yes..sorry yes I will go on a date with you” I replied shaking my head and giggling

“You’ve ever seen Notting Hill?” He suddenly asks me

“I actually haven’t” I stated

“Want to watch it?” He asked me

“But Chris and Nick are sleeping” I replied pointing over my shoulder

“You miss queues don’t you?” He asked cocking an eyebrow

“They don’t call me a ditz for nothing” I replied jokingly

He looked at me with adoration in his eyes for a moment before opening his mouth

“I mean with me…just me” he replied with soft eyes

“Oh....yeah” I replied breathlessly as I shook my head…am I that fucking stupid? I thought to myself

We shut off the tv and the hallway light. Matt led me to his room as I followed behind. It felt so foreign being in a room with a new undertone to it….more than friends

“You can sit closer I won’t bite” he says as he looks over at me

“Right, sorry” I say sitting closer to Matt against the headboard

The air felt awkward as we watched the movie, but Matt slid his arm over my shoulder and pulled me in

“I’m not a stranger” he replied as he snuggled me closer against him

Smiling against him I melted into his touch as we fell asleep to a romance movie. I guess being shy does work out in the end and I’ve always had it bad for Matt but after today? You’re for sure thinking

She’s got it bad!

The End

I wasn’t sure how to end this…it’s so HARD TO END A STORY WTFFFF. Anywho we’re almost at 2,600 followers🥹🥹. Yall I could cry this means so much to me I remember when I had hit 100 followers and I never thought I’d make it this far. I’m so eternally grateful for you all😩🖤🖤. I know I don’t update three times a day everyday like I used to, but I’m so glad yall are sticking around till this day when I post once to twice a week every two weeks. I don’t deserve you, thank yall so much🥹💕💕💕. Stay tuned for more work baes

-J💅🏽

[ash5monster01]

hii!! could you write something for charlie dalton and an insecure reader (they are already dating)? ive been feeling kind of ugly lately😭😭 tysm

I’m so sorry this has taken me so long, I hope everything has been going okay. Insecurities can really suck sometimes, but we just have to remember we’re all beautiful in our own way <3

Perfectly Me

Pairing: Charlie Dalton x FemReader

Warnings: fluff, self doubt, insecurities, anxiety

Summary: Dating cool and confident Charlie is proven to be hard when most of the time you’re insecure about everything about yourself.

word count: 1.1k

Masterlist

Charlie had always been Charlie. You weren’t entirely sure where he got it from. Somehow after all these years in boarding school he had found a confidence that set him apart from the others. You had never met anyone else that had lived life with their chin so high and smile so wide. He was confident, fun, popular, and you felt everything but. When he had chosen you it was shocking. How could daring and brave Charlie seek out the only girl that kept her head ducked and mouth shut. Yet somehow he did and everyday since you had been questioning why.

Especially on days like today. Days where Charlie’s laugh bellowed loudly through the lunch room as you sat quiet as a mouse beside him. Girls looked on with adoring looks and boys laughed after every sentence that left his mouth. His presence was large, everyone saw him, everyone liked him. It was so intense that as you sat beside the boy you loved you felt more invisible then ever, especially to him. He didn’t see you, there is no way he could have. You were nothing but an inanimate object beside him and you had only ended up in this position from a cruel trick of fate. Not only were you now invisible but humiliated because you couldn’t compare to him. You never could.

When the bell sounds you’re the first out the door. You didn’t want to wait and see if Charlie even acknowledged you, it would hurt too much if he didn’t. You barely went noticed as you left anyway so it would be no surprise if he didn’t notice either. But he did. His proud look turning into one of confusion as he spotted your form rushing away. He had wanted to kiss you, stare into your pretty eyes for a moment longer, but you were gone in the blink of an eye. He wondered why, it almost feeling like you were trying to escape him. This very thought plagued him the rest of the day as he awaited a moment to see you again.

Once classes were over it took him forever to find you. He felt like he had turned Welton upside down in search of you until he finally found you curled up on a window seat in the library. Your eyes were cast downward at the book in your hands, your forehead pressed against the cool glass of the window where you sat. You were so beautiful and his heart yearned deeply for you in that very moment. He wished you didn’t feel so far away. He just wanted you two to be okay. As much as he talked about always having a girlfriend he never thought he’d be lucky enough to have one, especially you.

“Found you” you jump slightly at the sound of his husky voice. He’s lifting your feet and sliding beside you before you can react. He doesn’t make any notion that the window is cold against his back as he finally looks at you.

“I wasn’t hiding” you finally say, a bit nervous in his presence which you hated.

“Felt like it” the sad way he drops his gaze from you makes your heart clench. You hadn’t meant to hurt him but he had unintentionally been hurting you.

“I know” you whisper and Charlie looks up to see the sad expression you wear, one that matched his own.

“Can you tell me why?” he asks and you notice how small he seems here. He isn’t loud and proud Charlie, he’s your boyfriend who’s afraid you’re going to say something that hurts him and even worse you know what you have to say is going too.

“I don’t know why you’re with me Charlie” you say, officially closing your book and giving him your full attention.

“What do you mean?” he asks and you bring your hands to your face, sighing into them before looking up again.

“I’m not like you Charlie. You’re good looking, popular, outgoing. I’m just not” you say, exasperated and tired of not only being insecure about everything else in your life but about this too.

“Yes you are!” and this has you chuckling dryly, so tired of being lied to.

“No Charlie, I know it, you know it, and the rest of these imbeciles do too” you say, arms crossing over you chest and Charlie sighs as he presses a hand to his forehead.

“You are to me” he says calmly and you feel your heart rate accelerate at the confession. Charlie dares a glance at you to see your face flooded with sadness and confusion. He had never meant to make you feel small. “You’re the only girl for me. Maybe you’re not all that outgoing but that’s okay. I need someone who is going to bring me down to earth. I wanted to kiss my girlfriend today before she left after lunch and instead I watched her run away from me. I don’t try to make you feel worthless, I’m just so used to being loud and bold to hide the fact that I’m terrified my life won’t turn out the way I want it to. The only thing I’m sure of is you”

“Is that true?” you ask and Charlie chuckles even though none of this conversation is meant to be funny.

“It’s the most true thing I’ve said all week” he tells you and finally you take a good look at your doe eyed boyfriend. His floppy brown hair hangs in his eyes and the crooked smile on his face is still only ever directed at you. He loves you the way you love him, for all the things neither of you are. So you scoot forward and wrap your arms around his neck.

“I’m sorry I assumed the worst of you” you tell him and he gives you a tight lipped smile that you happily lean forward and kiss.

“I’m sorry I expected too much of you” Charlie apologizes in return and you smile before locking your lips with his own again. Pulling yourself closer to him your book slides from your lap and lands with a loud thud that has you both giggling quietly in the back corner of the library. Charlie doesn’t care about the attention it might’ve brought and kisses you good and hard again.

The best thing about Charlie is no matter how insecure you are, at least he will always be there for you. You balanced each other out and balance was the most important key to life. Balance love, balance work and art, and you shall be free.

[whateverisbeautiful]

♥️Reveling in Richonne - TOWL

#33: The Push (1.04)

While I had to basically dedicate a whole post to that one powerful line where Michonne expresses that she only feels safe when she's with Rick…we now have to talk about how the rest of this riveting scene goes. Because see, Michonne only feels safe with Rick...but Rick is not exactly the one in this gym with her right now as we get the return of his alter ego The Bold As Hell Talking To His Wife Like That Man 😑...

So after Michonne so beautifully and vulnerably expresses herself to Rick, I was very curious how Rick would respond to such a heartfelt confession. Like here is your lovely wife telling you essentially that you're her only true safe space so now you know that no matter how you try to keep her safe from a distance, she’s never really going to feel safe unless you’re with her. I just knew something like that was going to hit Rick’s heart.

But what I didn’t fully realize is that Real Rick is so deeply buried inside Dead Rick so even that moving sentiment from Michonne doesn't penetrate his heart the way I thought it would.

And with Rick's response, this is the most this man has ever tried it ever imo so let’s talk about it...

After Michonne says she only feels safe with him, Rick silently stares at her, at a loss for words again and still frowning. While I know deep down her words hit him, he still has a wall up rn.

Upon hearing this, I feel like you can see on Rick's face that he knows the biggest obstacle to getting Michonne home safe is himself, because she loves him too much to leave him. Hence he proceeds to try and remove the 'obstacle' by no longer being a safe place to land for her which is hard to watch.

Michonne walks up to him and knowing he’s consumed with fear she softly but adamantly tells him, “We don’t have to be afraid, Rick.” I like how she says "we" instead of just telling him he doesn't have to be afraid. They're still one unit to her and they can face this together the second they get it together. She's confident they don't have to let fear dictate how they move because the two of them can always overcome.

Rick is also adamant tho when he responds saying, “Yes we do.” And then Michonne stays asking the right questions when she says, “So that's what I tell our son? That his father didn’t want to know anything about him because he was so afraid?”

Every time Michonne has to acknowledge Rick’s lack of acknowledgment of their son it hurts my heart. 😥 Like Rick, this is a special brand of hurt you are causing your wife.

But as y’all know, it only got worse. 🙃

Rick says, “I’m not the Brave Man.” 😔 And one; I do like how at least him saying this means the Brave Man story Michonne told him about did stick with him. Like he had been acting like so much of what she was saying was just bouncing right off the walls of his heart, but it’s clearly all seeping in, he’s just trying to mask it.

And two; it very sad how assuredly Rick says this. Like he truly believes that the brave man he once was is no more. He only views himself as a fearful failure now. 😥

Rick doesn't realize that the fact that he's still on this earth after everything he's been through is a sign of his resilience and strength so he is still the Brave Man.

gif cred: @nat111love

And then…y’all, Rick says the one thing I told him not to say. 😪

There was one comment that was most off limits and it’s the one he makes when he says, “You shouldn’t have come. I was taken away. I didn’t have a choice. You did.” The audacity. I'm pissed every time I hear it idc.

It was so cruel, so wrong, and so unfair of him to say that. Especially with what this is implying about Michonne as a mother. I think we all knew there might have been a "You shouldn't have come" moment in TOWL but for me what makes this so egregious is him comparing her situation to his and basically saying she made a bad choice. Appalled tbh. 😑

(Even tho stepping outside of the show, I really respect Danai for trusting that she could have Rick say something so foul and still believably get Richonne to a rewarding point of reconciliation by the end of the episode. 👏🏽)

gif cred: @figmentof

When Michonne hears this you can see how incredibly hurtful it is in her eyes so she does the only thing to do in this moment and she pushes him away. And I felt that shove with every fiber and it was necessary because whoever this was in front of her wasn’t Rick. Like this was a pain-inflicting imposter and he needed to get away from her.

gif cred: @ricksmarlene

As Rick does a figurative push away, Michonne does a literal push away.

And then the look Rick gives when she pushes him…y’all for me this is the scariest he’s ever been. 🫣

Like more than Machete Rick, and Feral Rick, and all those other lethal Ricks…this moment where there’s seemingly nothing behind his eyes is just straight terrifying.

I know I joke about The Bold As Hell Man as a new character thing but in this moment I genuinely was like 'Michonne, I do not know who is in this gym with you right now.' Like truly who the hell is this man in here cuz I don’t know him. 🫢

gif cred: @ricksmarlene

Regarding the approach to Rick’s coldness in ep 4 - something I’ve lauded Michonne for in the past is how she is very good at both empathy and accountability and that’s how I personally approach this conversation about Rick’s fear-based behavior as well.

I empathize with the fact that Rick is operating from a place of pain, trauma, and deep love for Michonne while also knowing that the way he is hurting his wife is so not okay. Being in pain doesn’t give a free pass to deliberately cause pain to someone else. And he is intentionally hurting her.

I can both understand that he has severe PTSD and is really trying to hurt himself even more than her because he ultimately wants to protect her, while also knowing that ‘Dead’ Rick'...

I’ve always felt that in a soulmate partnership like this, you have every right to feel what you feel but also every responsibility to not emotionally disappear on or damage your partner in the process of navigating those feelings.

But people are flawed and don’t handle everything perfectly, especially in the midst of trauma which is why I can empathize with the situation. Both on Rick’s end and Michonne’s too as she has every right to feel what she feels.

Rick is so convinced that he is not worth coming after. That she should have given up on him just like he essentially gave up on himself. It’s hard for him to grasp how valued he is. Self-depreciation is what he feels most strongly but it manifests itself as almost condemning her and telling her she essentially made the wrong choice as a mother to leave and look for him. It’s so below the belt to say that.

Rick knows with the love they have this was really the only choice for her to come. I think that might be part of why she tells him he doesn't know anything anymore. Like he forgot how their love and partnership work. They don’t leave people behind especially not each other.

And Michonne was in such a tough conflicting situation when she learned Rick survived the bridge. On one side she has her kids to raise and they need her. And on the other side, her kids’ father and the love of her life has a 99.9% chance that wherever he is he’s in agony and imprisonment - because if he was at all okay and free he would have found his way home by now. So as Michonne, how do you live with that? Especially when your souls are as interconnected as Richonne’s.

She can feel him out there desperately needing her. She can feel her kids needing their dad. She had to go after him. And honestly, Rick knows if he were in her shoes he would have absolutely made the choice to go after her too.

In fact, I low-key feel like if Rick was on that boat like Michonne in TWD 10.13 and the roles were reversed where Michonne disappeared and Rick found signs that she was alive out there, Rick would have got on the walkie with Judith and his little girl wouldn’t need to do any convincing to get Rick to go after Michonne. Rick would just be straight-up telling his daughter, 'Hey Judith, I found out mom might be alive and I’m already en route to Bridgers Terminal to bring her home to us so...

The choice to be away from her kids was not at all an easy one for Michonne to make and was rooted in deep love and loyalty to Rick and to her kids. So for Rick to frame it as anything else was just plain wrong. 

But again, hearing Michonne say she only feels safe with him a few seconds earlier it’s like Rick is trying to deliberately destroy being her safe space so that she can officially feel better about leaving him and going home.

We’ve always praised Rick for being willing to do anything and take out anyone to protect his family but what’s so interesting about TOWL is that we see Rick is willing to even take out himself and break her heart and his own to protect her. 🥺

gif cred: @nat111love

In this gym, Rick is basically attempting to unalive himself again. 😥 I think that's even what his contorted expression was about when Michonne pushed him. Michonne's entrance into his life has made him come alive but he’s convinced he must be ‘dead’ for her to live. So he's doing whatever he can to try and stay dead - such as saying something this upsetting to the love of his life.

It’s a real conundrum because even back when he was Alive Rick, Michonne was the one who made him feel most alive so now that he thinks he has to be dead it’s especially complicated to be back with the brightest and most igniting light in his life - his wife. And I like how they explore the really dark effects of doing what Rick’s grandpa said and being the walking dead.

However, in his warped mindset, what Rick can’t quite see is that trying to take himself out rn and turn off his humanity is killing Michonne too. 🥺

They’re too interconnected for him to try and take himself out this way and it not take her out in a way too. But I do like how Andy plays this moment like the words taste horrible in Rick’s mouth as he goes against his very design and actively tries to hurt her.

Michonne fervently tells Rick he doesn’t know anything anymore - which it’s def seeming that way more and more. And then she smiles with tears filling her eyes and says, “So, this is who you are now? Big guy, huh. Solider of the CRM. You’re moving up right? That’s the plan.” She's letting Rick know he has an unnatural allegiance to losers, that's not like him.

I like how of course Michonne picked up on the fact that Rick was soon gonna be moving up the ranks. And it’s so sad cuz in ep 1, Rick literally seemed disgusted at the idea of moving up the ranks of the CRM but he’s lost a lot of that defiance now.

Also, it’s really interesting to me that this is when Michonne starts addressing the CRM stuff. Because I feel like before she was always trying to rightfully bring the conversation back to their family but Rick was always deflecting back to the CRM. So now she’s just like okay since that’s all you can talk about, let’s talk about it since this is the clique you claim despite saying you don’t. 

gif cred: @figmentof

Michonne says, “Maybe I should be afraid of you in the red uniforms. I don’t know what you’re capable of.” And I was like - Rick, come on, this has got to be a wake-up call knowing your wife even has to remotely entertain the thought of needing to be afraid of you. 😥

But the way he’s looking at her it’s clear the wall he has up is pretty strong right now.

gif cred: @kris-lulu

Then while it pains my heart so much, I always love the way Michonne says, “You lied to me. You keep lying to me.” Like you just feel everything she’s feeling. Exceptionally acted. 👏🏽

gif cred: @kris-lulu

And then if I was fully feeling the emotion when she expresses her hurt over Rick continually lying to her when they’re the two people most meant to be honest with each other, I really really feel the emotion leap off the screen when Michonne says, “You think I’m not beating myself up for not being with my kids right now? That I’m not wondering how I’ll ever live with myself if God forbid….” Oof. 😣🥺💔

gif cred: @riickgrimes

Y’all, this was an outstanding performance, and when I tell you these lines reverberated in my brain for days. It was so moving and so heartbreaking. Like even watching it now for the hundredth time I’m choking up. 😭

gif cred: @riickgrimes

Michonne is a mother. An excellent and devoted mother. A mother who has been through so so much and more than anyone should have to endure. And she’s done it all for the love of her family. A large reason she’s even standing in front of Rick right now is because she loves her kids and they need their father.

Like don’t get me wrong she wanted to find Rick for her and for him, but we saw that convo in her final TWD ep between her and her daughter. Judith had to urge her to go because Michonne was hesitant to leave her babies.

And since setting off to find Rick, Michonne has tried so hard to keep the faith despite the exhaustion and the hardship and now here this man is making her feel like she made a bad choice when she is already wrestling with the difficult decision she had to make as a mother.

Like the fact that she says she’s been beating herself up. Cue my tears. 😭 And the fact that she doesn't know the current status of her son and daughter and she can’t even bring herself to voice the potential outcome of something bad having happened to them while she’s been gone. 😢

Especially knowing that in the past when Michonne had left home for a far briefer time than this, she returned to find she had lost a son not once but twice. It's too much. 😞💔

gif cred: @riickgrimes

Michonne is very aware of the power of words and she doesn’t use them lightly. She doesn’t even like to vocalize painful outcomes like when she thought she lost Rick in Say Yes and couldn't say aloud that she thought he died. Both then and here, she trails off and shakes her head not even wanting to put those tragic scenarios in words.

It’s like how in that deleted season 7 finale scene (that will always be canon to me since it’s the only time Rick and Michonne and Carl really engage after Richonne became an official couple) Michonne encourages Carl to not fantasize about failing because she’s built this great resolve to not even give negative outcomes power in thoughts or words.

I’m so glad Michonne got to let all that emotion out in this gym and be this raw and expressive as a woman and as a mother. This is Michonne at her most vulnerable, speaking about one of the most personal and sensitive things in the world - her children and her feelings and fears as a mom.

You’d think surely this time Rick would have a non-zombified reaction to seeing her pain and how deeply he hurt Michonne here. Like before when he’d been hurtful, Michonne hadn’t yet even cried like this so maybe this would finally be the wake-up call.

...But no. 😪

Instead, Rick just looks at her and grimly says, “That’s why you should go.” To which I always respond...

That's my instinctual response every time cuz like how can you not roundhouse kick your screen when hearing Rick say this? 😒

And y’all, let me tell you, Michonne is my big sister in my head lol, and I promise you I would have been in my full Solange energy up in this building with Rick. Like, don’t let me be in any of these elevators with them because I’m scrapping for my sister. 🥊

Rick responding like that had me wondering how much more audacity does this man have left because my goodness it seemed endless. This was genuinely painful to watch.

It would be hard enough to see Rick emotionally abandon Michonne on any subject, but when she is specifically expressing raw emotions about their kids as the mother of his children, and he still has a cold distant response - blood boiling, tbh. 😠

And also him saying she should go was extra frustrating because 🗣Michonne was going. She was standing right at the exit of this building when Rick came running for her. So telling her she should go was not only hurtful but unnecessary. 😒 

gif cred: @riickgrimes

Michonne responds like it’s really sinking in that whoever this is in front of her is not someone she knows.

gif cred: @riickgrimes

So she gathers herself after being fully emotionally abandoned by Rick and then she says, “Okay. I don’t know who you are. Cause the man I knew would never talk to me like that ever.” Gospel. Rick 'Loverboy & Family Man of the Year Every Year' Grimes would never be so disrespectful.

gif cred: @riickgrimes

It’s interesting that Michonne doesn’t say 'I don’t know who you are anymore' like she'd said previously. Now it’s almost like she’s saying 'I don’t know who you are at all.'

gif cred: @riickgrimes

And once again, Rick masks the pain inside with a steely-eyed sorta lifeless stare at her and it’s just tragic. 

gif cred: @clonecaptains

They hear walkers trying to get in and so Rick says, “We’re getting out of here.” And Michonne nods in a way that feels like she’s had to just surrender the hope of them ever figuring this out. Like as Rick grabs things to help with the escape, Michonne has such a sad sense of surrender over this whole hurtful situation.

She just poured her entire heart out to him about something she feels most vulnerable about - her kids - and for the first time was met with nothing back from Rick. Yet another sign that something is seriously broken within Rick because every other time she’s emotionally expressed herself to him he’s always handled her heart with care and met her where she’s at, like going to Washington and fighting the Saviors. 

Michonne grabs one of those pole things and the way she slowly walks over to join Rick at the door it’s like now she has to put a wall up too because Rick has become adamant about not being her safe space anymore. You just can fully sense how devastating it is that even after finally reuniting with the love of her life, she still feels alone. 💔

gif cred: @taiturner

This whole thing was such a brilliantly acted scene from Danai and Andy. 👏🏽 Like truly these world-class actors were continually confirming that they are powerhouses of the craft with this whole miniseries. 🔥

This gym scene is simultaneously riveting and a hard-watch because of how much visceral pain is infused within it. 🥺

So after Richonne’s most gut-wrenching moment of conflict to date, I remember one of my many thoughts was now how the heck does this episode have an S rating because ain’t no way Michonne lets The Bold As Hell man near her like that after all this. 🙃

But Danai is a sagacious writer and so the following adrenaline-pumping events on a stairwell help force Richonne back together in a very sweet way. And the timing of the following events couldn't have been better, cuz lord knows we and Richonne needed something to turn the tide after this heartbreaking gym scene. ❤️‍🩹👌🏽

[lipstickitty]

Twisted Up In You

Danny Wagner x f!reader

18+ only, minors DNI!!

(Just something silly I wrote forever ago and just dusted off and finished 🤭)

Warnings: friends to lovers, fluff, language, alcohol, flirting, kissing, biting, dirty talk, pet names, mentions of masturbation, oral f&m receiving, daddy kink, unprotected sex, breath play (barely), breeding kink

2.9k+ words

It started out the same as any other cabin party. Josh, Jake, and Sam all brought their respective partners, leaving you and Danny the odd men out.

Everyone had had entirely too much to drink and Sam had the brilliant idea of pulling out the twister mat for a drunken game.

Coincidentally Sam was the first one out, followed not long after by Jake, then Josh, one by one until the only players left were you and Danny with Sam controlling the spinner and calling out each new position.

Everyone else, being extremely intoxicated, had made the wise decision to go to bed, recommending you two do the same. But Danny was stubborn as a mule, and you wouldn’t pass up any opportunity to be close to him, claiming you wouldn’t stop until you were declared the winner. He hadn’t ever seemed to notice your gazes being more than friendly or just how much you craved his presence. Sometimes when his eyes met yours you could swear he felt the same, that there was an undeniable spark between the two of you, but you were too afraid of ruining your friendship if he didn’t feel the same way, deciding to save yourself the heartache and keeping your feelings to yourself.

“Daniel! right foot blue.” Sam called out. You heard Danny shift on the mat behind you and felt his foot come down on the spot just behind yours. The air was stolen from your lungs as you felt his warm breath on the back of your neck.

“Left hand green y/n, let’s wrap this up!” Sam rubbed his hands together, ready to end the game and get some much needed sleep. You took a deep breath and extended your left hand to the nearest green spot, the position causing you to essentially be bent over at the waist right in front of Danny. You could’ve sworn you heard him gasp behind you but chalked it up to your drunken imagination.

“Ready to throw in the towel, y/n?” Danny teased.

“Not a chance, Wagner. I could do this all night.” You shot back.

“Well I couldn’t, you guys are stressing me the fuck out!” Sam chuckled. “Left foot yellow, Daniel.”

Danny’s other foot came to settle on the spot right next to yours, effectively pressing himself against your back. You blushed in your compromising position, hoping the guys couldn’t hear your thoughts screaming in your head.

“Right hand blue y/n, chop chop!” Sam clapped his hands together. You tried your hardest to reach your right hand down to the spot it was intended to go but in your drunken state you lost your footing and fell backwards, squishing Danny between your body and the mat. You were in utter shock and so embarrassed but then you felt Danny’s chest rumbling with laughter under your weight. You looked up at his face to see him laughing so hard there were tears rolling down his cheeks. You started to giggle as well in spite of yourself.

“Daniel Wagner, undefeated champion! Now if you’ll excuse me, my bed is begging for me.” Sam says, helping you both up off the ground and hugging you goodnight.

“Danny oh my god I’m so sorry, are you okay?” You stammered out.

“Y/N, I’m fine, seriously. I could think of way worse ways to spend my night than being pinned down by a beautiful woman.” He said with a grin.

You blushed even harder. “Hush Wagner, you’re wasted.” You giggled out.

“Be that as it may, you’re still gorgeous when I’m sober.” He said quietly, caressing your cheekbone with his knuckles. You shyly met his eyes and saw his stare focused on you, lightly chewing his bottom lip. You impulsively reached out and ran your thumb along his bottom lip, gently pulling it from between his teeth. He inhaled deeply and pulled you closer with one hand on your lower back.

You were used to mixed signals from Danny, but this seemed to be crystal clear despite the fog in your brain. “Don’t move, pretty girl.” He mumbled, closing the distance between your bodies and pressing his lips to yours with featherlight pressure and one hand on your jaw. He pulled back and exhaled a shaky breath.

“Danny… I don’t wanna do this if we’re gonna regret it in the morning…” you sighed, looking down at your feet.

“I’ll never regret kissing you, y/n. And besides, I won, remember? Help me celebrate my victory.” He teased, bringing you back to his lips and weaving one hand into your hair. You gave yourself over to the kiss and pulled him as close as you possibly could with your arms around his neck.

“It took all my self control not to grab you and kiss you right in front of Sam when I felt you against me. I knew I had to take the chance or I’d lose my mind.” Danny mumbled between soft kisses down your neck.

“Danny…” you gasped as he moved one hand down to grip your ass. Feeling bold from the liquor in your system, you ran your hands under his shirt and trailed your fingers up his stomach and chest, tugging the shirt up as you went. He hummed at the feeling of your hands on him, breaking the kiss just long enough to tug it off his body, before gently nibbling and sucking at your bottom lip.

You allowed yourself to feel the full expanse of his torso, letting your fingers trail down to his happy trail and then to the waistband of his pants. He shuddered a breath and ripped your top right off your body, making you gasp. “Fuck, look at you, y/n. I can’t believe I waited this long to kiss you, touch you, hold you. I’m a stupid, stupid man.” He mumbled between kisses, snaking his arms behind your back to skillfully unhook your bra. You let the straps slowly slide off your shoulders, baring your breasts to him for the first time. He let out a quiet gasp as he brought his hands up to your breasts, kneading your flesh and tweaking your nipple just to hear what sounds you’d make. Satisfied, he scooped you up in his arms, making you squeal as he took off towards his bedroom.

“Danny!” You whisper-yelled, giggling softly.

“Couldn’t have my brothers seeing your perfect tits, could we? This is all mine, baby.” He growled in your ear, tossing you down on the bed before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants, letting them slide to the floor, leaving him in only his boxers, which left next to nothing to the imagination. You bit your lip at the sight of him, all disheveled and worked up.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous. Come here, please?” You whined, undoing your own jeans and making grabby hands at him. He chuckled, removing the jeans from your body before settling his body between your legs and wasting no time capturing your lips in a heated kiss, letting your tongue slide against his, making you both sigh in pleasure.

You lightly tugged at his curls, making him involuntarily grind his hips down into yours. The feeling of his hardening cock brushing your throbbing pussy through nothing but his boxers and your already soaked panties had you moaning into his mouth and wrapping your legs around his waist.

“You’re so perfect, baby doll. Want you so fucking bad.” He groaned out, leaning up on his forearms to take your hand in his and trailing it down his waist to cup his length through his boxers, then pulling his own hand back to dip underneath your panties. You felt him twitch as you lightly palmed him, feeling just how hard he was already for you.

He ran two fingers through your slick before raising them to his mouth, cleaning all traces of you off his fingers and groaning at the taste. “You taste so good, pretty baby. Gonna let me have another taste?” He growled. You nodded furiously, gently stroking his length and snapping the waistband of his boxers against him, hoping he’d take the hint and remove them.

“You want me naked, sweet girl? Wanna see just what you do to me?” He teased, leaning up to remove his boxers and rip your panties down your legs, throwing them somewhere in the room.

“Yes Danny, please. Wanna see if it’s as good as I imagined it, baby” you moaned and wrapped your hand around his length as he ran a finger down your slit.

“Oh so you’ve imagined it, huh? Fuck, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pictured this pretty pussy with my cock in my hand. Made myself cum thinking about how good you’d feel wrapped around me, the perfect noises you’d make for me.” He mumbled into your neck.

You stroked him slowly, delighting in the deep breath he sucked in through his nose.

He pressed his forehead against yours, taking a shaky breath at the feeling of your hands on him.

“You gotta stop princess, love feeling your hands on me but I need to be inside of you. Make you feel good. Wanna hear you say my name again and again.” He said quietly, slowly kissing down your chest, pausing to suck your nipple into his mouth and bite down gently before resuming his kisses down your stomach, pausing again to suck dark marks into both your hipbones. You were a mess, writhing underneath him, begging for anything he was willing to give you.

He made eye contact with you through his lashes as he pressed an open mouth kiss to your mound, slowly parting your lips and circling your clit with his thumb. You moaned out, desperate for more.

Without warning he plunged his tongue deep inside your entrance, making you tangle your hands in his curls and buck your hips upwards. He wrapped his arms around your legs, throwing them over his shoulders. “Don’t worry, angel. I’m gonna take good care of you. Not going anywhere until you cum for me over and over.” He punctuated his filthy sentence by circling his tongue around your clit, then finally sucking it into his mouth, making you fist one hand in the sheets and the other in his hair.

“D-Danny! Oh my god, fuck… your mouth, Jesus fucking Christ” you moaned breathlessly as he devoured you.

Danny removed his mouth from you just long enough to say, “you’re so fucking wet, love. Soaking right through your panties for me, right down the hall from my brothers. Dirty girl. My filthy fucking girl.” With that he was diving back into you, fucking into you with his tongue and letting his nose work perfectly over your clit.

“Danny… fuck, daddy, don’t stop.” You whined out, trying to stifle your moans. He groaned loudly into your heat at the name, sending delicious vibrations through you.

“Come on princess, cum for daddy. I need to feel you let go, fucking soak me.” He gasped out before shaking his head side to side and sending you crashing into your orgasm. He talked you through it the whole way, thumb still rubbing slow circles over your clit as you came down, finally releasing your thighs from around his head.

“D’you wanna stop, angel? I’m happy just holding you all night long if you wanna stop.” He mumbled against your lips after crawling back up your body.

“No daddy… I wanna taste you. Please? Then I want you to fuck me stupid. Don’t stop until I can’t remember my name baby, please, I need it.” You whined, stroking his cock from the tip down to the base once before cupping his balls and teasing your fingertips over them. He shuddered a breath before pressing his lips roughly against yours once more.

“You want a taste, angel?” Danny whispered, thumb coming to slip across your bottom lip. You nodded eagerly. Danny reclined back against the headboard with one arm behind his head.

You nipped at his neck before sucking one of his nipples into your mouth, gently biting down on it making him hiss. Then you trailed your tongue down his stomach, letting your nose run through the trail of hair leading down from his navel. You ignored his cock entirely, skipping over it in favor of sucking his balls into your mouth one after the other, teasing your tongue over them.

“Oh fuck-“ Danny groaned as you licked a stripe from his balls all the way up his shaft before sucking his tip into your mouth. You moaned softly at the taste of him, feeling him twitch in your grasp. You hollowed your cheeks, slowly bobbing your head on him, taking a little more each time. The hand that wasn’t behind his head tangled itself in your hair, not pushing or pulling, simply holding it for you.

“Look so pretty with my cock in your mouth, baby. God damn, you feel good.”

You pulled off of him long enough to catch your breath, replacing your lips with your hand. “Fuck my mouth, daddy? Please?” You asked in your sexiest voice.

“Shit y/n, you sure?” He breathed. You nodded, taking his tip back in your mouth. Danny groaned and gently began thrusting his hips up into your mouth. You brought one hand to cup his balls, moaning around his length as his thrusts got a little more forceful.

“Ohhhhh, fuck- gotta stop or I’m gonna cum in your mouth, angel.” Danny moaned out, using his grip in your hair to gently tug you off his length.

“Are you gonna fuck me, Danny?”

“Anything for you, baby doll. Anything.” He whispered, using one hand to guide the tip of his cock through your wetness, tapping it against your overly sensitive clit a couple times before slowly pushing halfway inside you, pausing with his knuckles white in the sheets and his teeth sank deep into his lip.

You moaned at the feeling of him stretching you, digging your nails into his back.

“Please, Danny. I need more of you. Please.” You whined, clenching around his cock. You heard him growl low in his throat at the feeling and slowly ease himself the rest of the way inside your dripping pussy. “You don’t have to beg angel, I’m gonna give it to you. Gonna take such good care of you, don’t worry.” He gritted out through clenched teeth before dragging his hips back and then slamming back into you, making your back arch off the mattress and a yelp escape from you.

He set his pace, pulling out slowly before slamming back into you and pulling your hips back to meet his. You felt him hitting your sweet spot constantly and brushing your cervix deliciously on particularly sharp thrusts.

You were babbling incoherently, nothing making sense besides his name and filthy curses, whining for more despite not knowing how much more you could really take. He was overwhelming your senses in the best possible way. He tangled one hand in your hair, wrapping the other around your throat and lightly squeezing to control your breath. It only served to enhance your pleasure, you were clenching tighter around him on every thrust. He moved the hand off your neck to circle your clit once more with his thumb.

“You gonna cum, angel? Feel you gripping me so tight, let go baby. Let go for daddy, I’m right there with you. Fuck.” He choked out, doing his best to keep his pace despite being out of breath and barely holding on himself.

“Gonna fill you up, angel, get you pregnant with my baby. Fuck, take it all.” With that your eyes rolled back, back arched unnaturally off the bed, and you let out a wail of his name as you soaked his cock. He let out a long drawn out moan at the sight, eyes squeezing shut and hips stuttering in their rhythm as he spilled himself deep inside you.

He groaned once more as he gently pulled out of you, mesmerized by the sight of his cum spilling out onto the sheets. He collapsed next to you and pulled your sweaty body against his, kissing the top of your head and holding you close as you both panted.

Slowly your breathing returned to normal and the fog in your brain cleared somewhat, making your heartbeat quicken slightly as you allowed yourself to consider the consequences of what you’d just done.

“I can hear you overthinking and you haven’t even opened your mouth, angel. This isn’t the last time unless you want it to be, but I’m hoping you stay right here in my arms and let me wake up with you in the morning. I love you, y/n. Never knew how to tell you, but here we are.” He chuckled quietly, running his fingers up and down your back as you nuzzled into his chest.

“I’ve loved you for years, loser.” You mumbled back through a grin.

“No, no, I won, remember? First the game, then I got you in my bed? I can’t believe you forgot already.” He teased, making you swat his chest with a laugh.

“Stay right here, love. I’m getting us some towels and snacks, and after I clean up we’re gonna lay here and watch movies until we can’t hold our eyes open.” He stood and pulled his jeans on, walking toward the door.

“Are you suggesting a sleepover, Wagner? Does that mean I can draw on your face when you fall asleep first?”

[theresstillgrowinghere]

I don’t often find I have much to say during chronic illness awareness months anymore. I’m tired. My words feel tired. I don’t feel like I have anything new to add. Sometimes I worry though that that in part comes from my having been in various digital chronic illness spaces for almost a decade. Of course it feels tired to me. There are things that rattle around my brain that feel so obvious and commonplace (and that have been said much more eloquently by others before me) but may still be worth expressing, just judging by the ways people in my life haven’t been able to understand

So for gastroparesis awareness month this year, there are a few things I want to note from my experiences (tw for food/eating, weight without numbers, medical trauma)

1) My relationship with food is so scarred and multifaceted. It is messy and thorny, conflicting and complicated

(I am scared of food. I miss food. I hate food. I want to eat so badly. I never want to think about eating again. Tell me in detail about how it tasted. I love food. Please don’t ask me to join you for a meal. I don’t want to miss the communal aspects of eating. I feel so disconnected and other and separate just because I don’t eat. Sometimes I do try to eat and it makes me sick. Don’t comment on it, please; it’s not helpful to scold or encourage - I feel shame either way)

2) There is no cure. There is only management. I think people understand this in theory more than actuality, because when I say this I mean please, please stop expecting any management option to be The Thing. Please don’t expect something to offer substantial improvement, even if it is a life-saving dramatic change. As I have tried to explain to people in my life, those types of interventions are often complicated and risky and, in our broken healthcare system, very difficult to access until the situation truly is dire and life-threatening. Which can mean that the body takes significant damage before getting there. Sometimes by the time you access the intervention, that damage is irreversible and the goal is just to stop further decline. It’s not making me better; it’s keeping me from getting worse. For some reason that’s difficult for people to understand

(But sometimes people do find what for them is The Thing or are The Things, and that’s an important piece of the whole picture. The problem is the persistence of unrealistic expectations among people around us)

3) My relationship with healthcare is vital but fraught and heavy. I rely on it tremendously just to stay alive. It is also my only in-person access to the world and to people, which is a weird kind of mindfuck. But I am also deeply afraid of it after so many years of trauma. I am terrified of hospitals and medical professionals. I’m sorry for the way that fear makes me irrational, makes me assume, makes me protect myself. I know so many medical professionals are so caring and kind, but it is very, very hard to go into a medical setting trusting that that will be the case

4) There are some things I wish truly were obvious. Like don’t comment on someone’s weight, ever. Don’t say you wish you could “have a little of that” to change your appearance. Don’t try to convince me to “just try to eat a little.” Trust that I know my body best. Don’t offer me unsolicited advice or recommendations. Don’t say “when you get to be my age…” because I will point out that, based on the amount of damage to my body already, it is very possible I will never reach your age. But more to the point, I am not too young to be this sick. It happens

Anyway, these are my 3am-notes-app, camped-out-on-the-bathroom-floor thoughts. It is also important to note that they exist in the context of my gastroparesis being born of and coexisting with my other chronic illnesses, and they all become so deeply entangled

Wishing everyone well. Hoping your August is kind and gentle

To everyone with gastroparesis (and other digestive disorders, really), I’m sorry your tummy hurts, and no, you actually don’t need to be very brave about it. As I heard someone say recently in a different context but definitely applies here as well, “We weren’t born to be fighters. I don’t want to be brave. I want to be okay.” I just want all of us to be okay

[gyupinkys]

thinking about absolutely insane yandere cheol n hoshi x knife/gunplay .. just imagine .. they’d be so ruthless with you, making sure that both of them are forever engraved in your brain .. and the STAMINA ugh anyways

also I feel like cheol would have a daddy kink whereas hoshi would have more of a sir kink? idk what are your thoughts

I just found ur account not too long ago but I’m obsessed with your works!!! thank you for being such an amazing writer <3

p.s not sure if u do anon tags but I’ll probably be active on here since I love ur works sm so if you do end up having anon tags could i be your 🐇 anon?

I'm glad you enjoy my work and tysm for reading!! I absolutely agree that Cheol would have a daddy kink whereas hoshi would have a sir kink. And this ask.. right up my alley. 

WC: 1.6K

WARNINGS: Yandere, murder, kidnapping, gun play, DUB CON, fingering, unprotected sex, degradation, slut shaming, double penetration??, choking, daddy/sir kink, creampie, sex tape

You tried to listen to Cheol’s words. No one is fucking stalking you, those things only happen in the movies. No ones stealing your panties, they're just getting lost in the dryer. Those stains on your sheets? Probably from your lotion. And the gifts, flowers, random envelopes of money? Just from a friendly neighbor who is probably too afraid to say hi to you. You tell yourself these things as you hear your bedroom window slide open. Too afraid to alert the man in bed next to you, too afraid to move, to breathe. You tell yourself these things as you hear not one but two sets of footsteps walking around your bedroom, nearing your bed. You tell yourself these things as you make eye contact with Cheol, a hateful look on his face as he grabs the man by his hair and slits his throat, the blood flying over you. It’s the last thing you tell yourself as Hoshi whispers “Just close your eyes, my flower.” in your ear as you feel something sharp pierce your neck. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're so uncomfortable and so hot. You're on a very comfortable bed yet your body is twisted and It feels like heat is surrounding your body from all around, making you groan. 

“Look who's up.” Cheol speaks into your hair, inhaling deeply. 

“Cheolie?” you whimper.

He grabs your hair and forces you to look at him.

“It’s daddy to you, my love.”

“What? Cheol let go of me.”

You hear a gun cock and feel a cool metal press to the side of your head from behind.

“Don’t misbehave, my flower. I wouldn't want you to make your  punishment worse.” Hoshi says from behind you.  Well that explains the heat.

“Hoshi, what are you doing?”

He presses the barrel harder into your skull making you whimper.

“I want you to call me sir.” he whispers into your ear. You groan, this is so embarrassing.

You go with the better of the two.

“Sir, what's going on?”

“I couldn't wait anymore baby, you were getting too scared, too suspicious. I especially couldn't stand to see you fuck that son of a bitch. It’s your fault he’s dead. If you kept those slutty legs closed none of this would happen.”

You start to cry. What is happening?

“So it was you two stalking me?” you say in tears.

“Bingo baby.” Hoshi says, patting your head. It seems like he’s the good cop in this situation.

“Just let me go.”

“And why would we do that? We just got you.” Cheol says as his hands begin roaming your body.

“Cheol stop.”

He gives you the scariest, darkest look you’ve ever seen.

“Daddy” you whimper, beginning to cry even harder.

“That's more like it, baby.”

“What is it, flower?” hoshi whispers as his hand travels to your ass beginning to squeeze. You groan feeling your mind and body begin to get conflicted. You hate them, you hate them because they know how you feel about them. They know you’ve wanted them for as long as you’ve known them. Why couldn't they do this the normal way? Why did they have to be psycho murderous stalkers?

Cheols hands move between your legs and beginning rubbing you over your panties. Hoshi moves his hands to your breast beginning to harshly rub and squeeze making you whimper out in pain. So much for being a good cop…

“Sir, it hurts.”

“I’m glad.” he chuckles, putting down the gun.

Cheol moves to hover over you taking in your tear stained face. “Don’t waste your tears baby, you're going to need them.” He pulls off your flimsy sleep shorts and panties beginning to rub your clit in harsh circles. You try to push at his chest only to be forced down by your throat. 

“Take it baby. I don’t wanna hear a word out of you if it’s not daddy or sir.”

You whimper. God you hated this but it felt so good. He thrusts three fingers in you, feeling zero resistance as you clench around him.

“Daddy please it hurts.” 

“If it hurts why are you so wet?”

Well, he got you there. 

Hoshi, probably tired of being neglected, turns your face and captures your lips in a heated kiss. You try to pull away when you run out of air only to be held in place. You begin to choke from the lack of air, feeling yourself begin to panic and squirm. 

“Fuck hosh, shes getting so much tighter.” Cheol groans.

“I want to feel.” Hoshi pouts.

“Wait your turn.” Cheol growls, pulling his fingers out of you and using your wetness as lube for his hard cock. “Baby, I’m gonna make you feel so good. Fuck you until all you can remember is me, well I guess the stockholm syndrome will help with that.” he smirks, pushing into you completely and ignoring your groans as he begins to thrust so hard you feel your thighs sting. He pounds you into the bed, hearing the bed creek with each movement. 

“Daddy.” you yelp, trying to find something to grip onto to ground you, yet you doubt anything will distract you from his brutal pace. He fucks you for what feels like hours, his huge cock, moving in and out, in and out.

“Daddy, can I cum?”

“You think you deserve to cum after you slutted yourself out?”

“No” You groan. “Look at you using that brain.” he says.

“You’ve had enough, it's my turn.” Hoshi harshly shoves Cheol and flips you around. He puts you on all fours and arches your back, quickly thrusting into you and begins to fuck you so hard you genuinely see white. You cant hear anything, see anything, think of anything but the feeling of him fucking you. You're harshly brought out of your daze when you feel something cold and wet probing your ass. You muster up the strength to mutter “Sir, what are you doing?”

“This hole is looking empty, baby. I’m gonna fill you up real nice don’t worry.” Cheol says with a slight laugh in his voice.

He begins to push the lubed gun into your ass, slowly thrusting it in and out of you while Hoshi picks up his pace. 

“I wish you could see this, Flower.”

“She can.” Cheol says and pulls out his phone, beginning to take pictures of the filthy scene.

“God, I’m gonna cum in this sweet pussy.” Hoshi groans as his thrust falters, bottoming out completely and filling you up completely. He pulls out with a sigh, admiring your swollen pussy, leaking with his cum. 

You slump onto the bed, only to be pulled up by Cheol. The gun being pressed to your head yet again.

“Don’t get tired on me baby, It’s my turn again.”

[harasharaved]

Jason Todd Fics - September 2023

Fics I recommend with a focus on or POV of Jason Todd. Masterpost can be found here.

Key: Has a ship or romantic plot, unfinished, multi-chapter, one-shot

NOTE: some of these do require an AO3 Account to read.

Whisper Closely in My Ear by Kangarou

The words went in one ear, rattled around like bees, before ramming out the other. The doctor was sitting painfully close, only two feet away. The tone of voice implied he was talking louder, not quite a yell but something nearly there; it sounded like a whisper to Jason. So quiet, with every third word unintelligible, except for that first phrase: "Mr Wayne, I'm afraid you're profoundly deaf." --- Jason is profoundly deaf. He learns to cope with it.

An AU in which Jason is deaf. This is one of my favorite Jason fics. I often find myself coming back to it. Its a great character study, introspective and has that delicious kind of hurt you just want to sit with for a while, with a helping dollop of comfort.

Children Will Listen by Parker Avenue

Jason Todd is good at extortion. He's what the adults call a snoop - nobody paid attention to the little kid with the big ears. Without even realizing, adults would hand him the keys to getting what he needed. Jason knew how to collect information, because adults found information valuable. And it was. It was free, easy to get, and easy to carry, so long as he kept his head clear and his facts straight. Jason had information Batman could use. He knew it. He had thought it over all day, sitting on that moldy couch, eating stale saltines. Batman would definitely be interested in the information Jason had. Batman had become scary again, like the old stories Jason used to hear the goons in the area tell. Breaking bones, just barely keeping people alive. Batman didn’t kill, no, but sometimes? Sometimes living was worse, maybe. Jason stayed crouched behind that dumpster, silent, because he simply couldn’t decide if Batman was far gone enough to make a kid wish he was dead. (Jason Todd knows how to get what he wants, and Batman tries to lure him to safety.)

Okay I will admit, my biggest weakness is fics about street kid Jason. Slow adoption got me good. Anyways, this one isn't finished but I love the way the pacing takes its time. Co-parents Bruce and Selina is never a con either!

Stargazer by LemonadeGarden

Jason Todd is seriously injured during patrol one night, and is forced to stay at the manor to recuperate until his injuries are healed. To pass the time, he makes a list of things he never got to do before he died. Except there's one small problem: most of them involve Bruce, and Jason doesn't really think Bruce cares all that much about him anymore. This is a story about how wrong he is, but I made it sad anyway.

I'm sure everyone and their mother has rec'd this fic, but I'm doing it anyways because I love it deeply. If you haven't read it, this is your sign!

Glow in the Dark Stars by essspressso (stylesmakethefight)

“I’m being serious, asshat,” Jason hisses, swatting his hands away from his face. “You have to tell me what year it is.” Nightwing crosses his arms a little petulantly. “It’s 2017. Happy?” Jason freezes, breath catching in his throat. 2017. Five years ago. He was…he was fifteen. “Shit,” he murmurs. He’s going to eviscerate Tim. Or: Red Hood Jason and 15-year-old Jason swap timelines, landing one week before 15-year-old Jason is supposed to die.

Time travel trope + Jason Todd's tragic ass life = amazing fics. Feelings, prepare to be felt! LOTS of Angst. You might even shed a tear. Wonderful fic!

Too Much Fucking Salt by Pez_The_Platypus

A rural housewife instinctively understood the law of quantity into quality. Add a pinch of salt to a soup and it tasted better; add one pinch too many and you ruined the batch. Jason had been in limbo for a year and a half, trusting things would get better even though everything just seemed to be getting worse. It was something small that set him off, but really, it was an accumulation of a lot of things that led to this. He was going to kill the Joker.

A one shot, but a LONG one. This one is very sad, heavy, and bittersweet. Its not Bruce or Dick "bashing", it provides a pretty well rounded and human description of them, which is to say they are not angels. Still, if you love pondering the tragedy of Jason Todd and themes of coping with trauma and the inherent grating sensation of trying to heal, this is a great fic for you.

YOU MUST KNOW LIFE TO KNOW DECAY by orpheusaki

Bruce starts, eyes glaring down at the city and unwilling to look anywhere else, especially in Jason's direction, "You always… hated the rain." Jason's breath gets caught in his throat. (For as long as Jason can remember, it's always been raining.)

Jason angst and character study rooted in comic-accuracy. Great short read!

This Kind of Weather by r_astra

Jason’s at school when his mom dies, and that’s the only reason any of it happens. If he’d been home, if he’d been with her, he would’ve been in the wind before anyone else even knew. Even if they looked, no one ever would’ve found him. He’d have taken to the sewers if that’s what it took, man-eating crocodile guy and all.

Yes, another Jason Todd adoption fic, one in which he does not steal the tires. I have a type and I'm limiting myself to only 2 of the many I love. This one does not have much of a focus at all on the Bat-side of things, just a story of Jason finding a home, much older than in the comics.

A Straight Blade by Sparkypants

"What happened to your face?" Bruce asks, reaching his hand for Jason's jaw. "You're bleeding." Jason bristles, cheeks turning pink. "I cut myself shaving." He says, and wipes at the cut with the cuff of his hoody. Damian makes a clicking noise with his tongue, "I'm amazed you haven't taken your own head off." He snarks. Jason shoves his chair away from the table, temper flaring. "Well it's not like anyone ever taught me, is it." He hisses. He's five years late, but Bruce finally teaches Jason how to shave.

Quick one-shot with feelings. Great little read I often find myself revisiting.

Growing Like a Breeze by WhaleofaTime

April 27th isn't anyone's favorite date, but it's somehow worse than usual today when Bruce gets his car stolen. It's nice of Red Hood to come to his rescue. Nicer even that Jason keeps him company afterwards.

One of those fics that explains everything about why Jason and Bruce's dynamic and relationship is so magnetic to read about. They both suck at feelings and yet make me feel SO MUCH.

[vanilla-poisons]

Random Post about Jamikali’s magic

There’s something infinitely heartwarming and heartbreaking about Kalim learning magic because he saw Jamil use it. Jamil wants to be seen as his own person outside but Kalim wants so desperately for them to relate. Kalim deeply admires Jamil and wants him to be happy but everything he does just makes things worse. He imitated Jamil everyday to learn magic. He could’ve done a million things but instead tried to learn what Jamil was doing. He didn’t learn magic to be the best or to fulfill some sort of requirement…he did it because he loves Jamil and thought it was cool.

I wonder if Kalim was there when Jamil learned his unique magic was snake charmer. He canonically knew his power of course and even promised to not say anything but how did he know? It’s unlikely to me that Jamil would rush to Kalim when he learned his unique magic to show him. Was Kalim the first person he accidentally used it on? Was it scary? Did he know what was going on? Was he looking into Kalim’s eyes for them suddenly to go blank and glow red? Did he panic thinking something went terribly wrong and that he’d hurt him? Did he only find out he could use commands when he frantically yelled at Kalim to snap out of it and to say something?

Did Kalim find it scary? Did it shake him for the one person he trusted most to randomly use powerful magic on him without warning? I wonder if after it ended Jamil made Kalim promised to never tell anyone because he was afraid of what Kalim’s parents would do or think.

Was Kalim disappointed when he found out his own unique magic? Did Jamil sigh with relief when learning that his was less powerful than his own? That he was still better at Kalim with magic. If Kalim was disappointed I imagine it was brief after he learned the fun ways he could use his power. To make instant pools in the desert and dance in rain of his own creation. He probably eagerly came up with his own fun chant. I wonder if he ever used it when he was attacked and summoned huge storm clouds to surround him hoping the rain would wash everyone away.

I’m so normal about them-

[deputyrook]

Impressions- 1/? Mark Hoffman x Psychic!Reader

(Repost after I accidentally deleted my tumblr 😭)

Kerry, an old friend of yours, knows that you have a gift for clairvoyance. When she reaches another dead end in the search for Jigsaw, she brings you into the station in a moment of desperation.

Unfortunately, it's not just the two of you who are present for your revelations.

Word count: 3498

Set after Saw II. Inspired in part by this gifset. I have no plan for this, I just started writing for fun, and suddenly I had 3000 words down.

WARNINGS: Blackmail, power imbalance, abusive dynamics, overt threatening, reader is deeply afraid, general Saw-levels of horror.

“Pretty sure having civilians in here is against the rules,” Detective Mark Hoffman remarks to his colleagues as he enters the precinct room, “…and having them play with the evidence definitely is.” 

Rigg looks up toward the voice, as do you, but Allison Kerry doesn’t. Her eyes are trained on the piece of evidence that you hold in gloved hands, a small and rusted lock.

Spread out on the desk in front of you are a variety of grisly photographs- from crime scenes and autopsies, all related to the now infamous Jigsaw killer- and a few pieces of physical evidence. It turns your stomach just to see them, but you swallow your discomfort and try not to show on your face how upsetting you find it.

“Take it up with the Chief. He approved this, as long as it never gets out to the public,” Kerry responds with a scowl. 

Nobody is happy you’re here. Least of all you. Rigg is the one to finally say it to Hoffman, with an air of forced levity- “Kerry’s got a psychic friend.”

That makes you wince, and Detective Hoffman’s reaction- a slight raise of his eyebrow, and an audible scoff- makes you all the more embarrassed to be here.

“Well, I gotta see this. Aren’t you going to introduce me?” He asks Kerry, walking over and pulling up a seat to the table that you’re all sitting around. He sets his cup of coffee down on the table, right beside some horrific metal contraption, and looks you over skeptically.

“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it?” Kerry snaps, her voice raising in irritation. She finally looks over at Hoffman, shooting him a glare. “She’s been right about things before, and Eric’s been missing for months. You have another lead, you let me know.” Having defended herself, and by extension you, Kerry runs a hand through her hair and sighs. 

After a pause, she tells Hoffman your name, and then adds, “We’ve been friends since college.”

“Nice to meet you,” you say with a strained smile. He nods in response, but he’s smirking, like he finds the entire thing ridiculous. To be fair, it is.

“Listen, I don’t… normally do this kind of thing, I swear,” you say to the table of detectives, who all watch you in anticipation. You feel like you’re on a stage, and it makes you worry they can see you start to sweat. You feel the need to defend yourself further, and prove you're not insane (or worse, an idiot). “This isn’t my job. I don’t charge money to do this or anything. I’m only here because Allison asked me.”

“Well then, work your magic,” Hoffman says, taking a sip of his coffee, “Rigg, you willing to put money on this?”

“Let me guess, you’re betting against?” Rigg shoots back, and Hoffman gestures as if to say, obviously.

Ignoring the heat of embarrassment rising in your cheeks, you close your eyes. 

“I can’t promise anything,” you mumble, but even as you speak you’re starting to get impressions. Those strange feelings and impulses that beat against your intuition like a war drum. 

Turning over the lock in your hands, you feel a sudden sharp pain in your left eye- you drop the lock, cringing, and gingerly reach up to touch your eye, feeling the bone of the socket under the skin.

“I haven’t told her a thing about the investigation, by the way,” Kerry says, and you detect a note of pride, or perhaps vindication, in her tone.

“Something was… here. Cold and heavy, like a lodged bullet.” You point to your eye. The table is silent now. You could hear a pin drop now, each detective’s rapt attention singularly on you. You get the feeling of something on your face, hard and suffocating. And then, the impression of cold- the long winter, wind whistling through trees, and still snow. The forest, the river, the empty lake.

Death.

“This was- whoever was associated with this didn’t make it out alive.” You open your eyes and pick up the autopsy photos, scanning through them until you find one that fits. A sheet covers the head, but you know what’s underneath. You still feel the echo of the mask on your face. Quietly, you pick it up, and then set it back down.

“Some of the details leaked. Lucky guess. Tell us somethin’ about John Kramer or his assistant.” Hoffman says, and you see him shuffle in his seat. His demeanour has changed, going serious. Keyed into your intuition as you are, something spikes a signal of danger through the back of your mind.

Not all that unusual for the cops you’ve met, though.

For several minutes, you get nothing but flutters of feeling and pain. Your foot goes numb, prickles like pins and needles; your body feels warm, like it’s being baked under the sun. Each sensation comes and goes just as quickly. You take the strange metal contraption in your hands, feeling the weight of it in your grasp, and close your eyes again, trying to stifle the feeling of panic that rises within you.

And then slowly, it comes to you. A vision of a chessboard, with multiple pieces, moving too fast for you to follow. It hurts your head to try. Finally, you speak again.

“I think… there’s more than just one. There’s the King. The Bishop. The Rook. The Knight- there’s at least… five? No, four. No wait, there’s a Queen, but is she aware of the play, or just a pawn promoted? And who is he? Is he real, or an imitation?” Your words are coming too fast for you to censor, spilling out so quickly that you trip over them.

“Are you saying there are… a team of Jigsaw killers?” Rigg asks dubiously. You nod.

“I think so. It’s all jumbled, it’s… a thousand strings weaved into patterns that I can’t follow. There are plans laid on top of plans, curled into schemes and plots. The King’s Crown is tainted with a rot, it drips down his forehead, it hurries his hands. It guides their every act.”

You take a deep breath. “I don’t know where they are. I just feel her desperation- the Bishop. It’s like a fucking- it’s a torrent. She needs him, because she hurts, and she doesn’t know what care is like if it doesn’t hurt. God, and there’s so much hurt. It’s- it’s endless, it’s all pain. It's all pain.” 

“She’s not making any sense-” Rigg mutters.

“Eric Matthews. Where is Eric Matthews,” Kerry’s voice cuts through, bringing its own hailstorm of impressions to you- regret, remorse, desire, annoyance, desperation and guilt, heavy like a stone. Suddenly, you’re struck by the image of Kerry as an angel. You shake it off, confused.

“Ah… cold. It’s cold. He’s inside the Earth. Buried below ground, somewhere deep and dark. Poor Matthews. God. It’s so cold,” you can’t help but shudder, feeling tears welling up in your eyes. It seems so lonely.

Kerry is silent. It’s obvious she would have preferred something more optimistic.

“Anything else?” She asks finally.

“Yeah there’s… there’s something…” you bite your lip, and grimace. There’s a feeling there, distant and only a flicker, but it seems really, really important. 

“I can’t quite figure it out, it’s like… it’s like a mirror. What is it? What are you saying?” You sigh, trying to understand. A feeling of rage slips through you. Horrible, sickly loss and rage. A heady sadism, the feeling of power. A feeling of voyeurism- of enjoying it.

You receive a flash of an image, a large figure, in a pig mask. That image is pretty fucking clear, but there’s something about it that you’re just not getting, that seems like it should be really, really obvious to you. You chase the feeling through the corners of your mind, like a dream you can’t quite remember.

The image of the pig’s mask turns to a theatre mask, and then to a blank void. It swirls and laughs at you, mocking. 

“There’s something I’m not seeing with him. The brutal one, the Rook. It’s like... he’s been tied up and pulled into this by a wire. The King uses it to move him, but what started in reluctance has become...something else. Something sick,” you mumble. Ironically, with the face a blank and swirling void, the impression becomes stronger.

You feel obsession, the kind that eats away at a soul. They all have it, but this is like a slow burn, a chemical fire in his heart that erupts and spills out. He enjoys it.

And suddenly, it’s like he’s right there. Close,  close, it’s so strong and burning so clear because he’s right in front of-

Your eyes snap open, and you’re staring at Detective Mark Hoffman, whose eyes drill into yours. 

Without a doubt, with one hundred percent, absolute certainty, you know that he is one of the Jigsaw killers.

“Uh,” you tear your gaze from his, and look at Kerry. The prickle of danger is alighting every nerve in your body, and quickly, you’re starting to panic. You laugh nervously. “Sorry, I don’t know what that was. I don’t have anything else. I should go.” Abruptly, you stand. You need to get the fuck out of this room, where Jigsaw is sitting just feet you-

“Hold on.” Hoffman’s voice freezes you. He rests a hand on your arm, and like a frightened rabbit, you jump. “You alright? That was a lot. You sure you didn’t get anything else?”

“What, are you a believer now?” Rigg asks him. He too looks a bit shaken, but frowns. “Sorry, but we didn’t learn anything from that. I could have told you Eric’s dead. The rest was a mess.”

You incline your head in an apology, feeling your hands start to shake. “I didn’t get anything else. No identities of the accomplices, or anything like that,” Fuck. Fuck, you need to stop talking. When you say the word accomplice, Hoffman’s grip tightens on your arm.

His eyes meet yours, and you feel your breath catch. You think you’re going to be sick.

“You did good,” Kerry says, though she sounds disappointed. She looks over her notepad. “We got a lot of information that’ll be helpful to keep in mind as we investigate. And who knows, maybe more will come to you later.”

“Yeah, maybe,” You say. Suddenly, another wave of pain and dizziness crashes over you, so overpowering that your vision swims. You’re falling, spinning, and then you’re caught in a warm embrace. Sturdy arms are holding you, keeping you from collapsing to the ground.

You open your eyes to see the killer holding you, peering down at you. Expressionless.

Somehow, it feels comforting, even knowing what you know. Somehow, it feels protective.

Lies upon lies.

“Hey, I’m headed out anyway. I can drive you home,” Hoffman says gently, and your eyes widen. Wee oo, wee oo! DANGER!

“Oh, no, I’m okay, really,” You mumble, but as you try to stand and extricate yourself from Hoffman’s grip, he just holds tighter. He smiles in a way where you can sense the snarl, just below the surface.

“Shh. It’s alright. Don’t worry about it,” He says, quiet and forceful, right beside your ear. You catch Rigg rolling his eyes. 

“Really Mark?” He mutters. You shift in the embrace again, attempting to stand upright. This time, he lets you go, but keeps a hand on you. To the others you’re sure it looks like a helping hand to steady you. To you, it seems like a threat.

But what can you do? If you scream out that holy fuck, he’s a Jigsaw accomplice, Kerry might believe you and no one else will. You don’t know what Hoffman might do under pressure, but you’re certain that the word of a crackpot psychic wouldn’t be enough to put him behind bars. Not without some kind of proof. And without that, your safety would very much be in danger. More than it already is.

You could adamantly refuse his ride, but then he would definitely know that you know. And again, that puts you in a very dangerous position. 

Maybe you could play it off as though you didn’t see or know anything? What choice did you have? Kerry had accidentally fucked you by asking you to come in and do your best.

“Are you okay?” She asks, concerned. She looks from you, to Hoffman. “I have to stay at the office a bit longer, but I’ll catch up with you after. I promise, Mark’s a good guy, even if he looks scary and gets on my nerves. He’ll get you home safe.”

You muster up a smile. Kerry and Rigg know you’re leaving with him. He can’t do anything. 

“S-sure. A ride home would be great, then. If it’s not too much trouble.” Your smile wobbles under the intensity of Hoffman’s stare. You feel like a mouse, being cornered by a hawk. Finally, he lets go of you, only to put his hand on the small of your back.

“Steady now,” he says, "It's no trouble." You nod.

“Thanks. Sorry again I couldn’t be of more help,” you shoot Kerry an apologetic smile, and are ushered out of the room by Detective Hoffman. 

He leads you out of the precinct, keeping his hand on your back as he does. All the while, your stomach churns in anxiety. Down the corridors, and around countless bends and offices, you're lead down the stairs and eventually reach the door outside.

He stays right beside you all the way out to his car, close enough that you can hear him breathing. By now, it’s dark out, a quarter past nine in the evening. Kerry had asked you to come late, so that if anyone was watching the precinct, you wouldn’t draw any attention- jokes on her, you supposed.

Hoffman opens the car door for you- what a gentleman- and closes it behind you with a heavy thud. It feels like the closing of a coffin door.

A coffin. Another flash, of a coffin filled with glass. Blood, everywhere blood. 

“Never believed in psychics before,” Hoffman says to you. He’s sitting in the driver’s seat when you open your eyes. You hadn’t heard him enter the car.

“That’s what Kerry said, the first time I told her,” you murmured. You glance around the vehicle. The doors are locked from the inside, and you don’t know how to open them. 

“What’d you see this time?” Hoffman asks as he starts up the car.

“Uh, I don’t know. It was all blurry,” You reply. If you’re going to try to convince him you’re a shit psychic, you’d better start now. 

“Uh-huh,” he replies as he pulls out of the parking lot, “You’re a terrible liar, you know.”

You swallow nervously, your heart starting to beat wildly in your chest.

“I haven’t told you where I live,” you mention, trying to keep your voice light.

“Let’s go for a drive,” Hoffman answers coldly.

Oh, you’re so fucked. 

You close your eyes, searching your intuition and trying to calm your breathing. The damn ‘gift’ has never been much help to you, but if it could get you out of this situation, you would pray to Cassandra every night for the rest of your life in thanks.

“Don’t bother lying any more.” At first, you think it’s your intuition saying that. After a second, you realize it was Detective Hoffman. “You said enough that I know you’re for real. So what’d you see?”

You glance out the window. He’s taking you out of the downtown core, away from the busy streets and traffic lights and out toward the highway. Swallowing nervously, you reply, “A glass coffin. A lot of blood. I don’t know if it’s something that’s happened or is going to happen. It’s never really clear- that’s true.”

And I’m sorry about your sister, a voice inside you whispers surreptitiously. You bite your tongue before you say it out loud.

“How often you get that?” He asks.

“It depends. After a session like today, I’ll get waves of it for a while. And then it’ll ebb. But it always comes back.” A migraine is starting to bloom between your eyes, but you know it’s the least of your problems tonight.

His grip tightens on the steering wheel. Strangely, for a moment, he seems nervous. “Can you... can you talk to the dead?”

You shake your head. “No. Sorry. I wish I could.”

He drives silently for a while. For a weird moment, it almost seems peaceful. He drives on the highway, and then exits onto an off ramp, into an industrial district. Hoffman drives in silence with you for the better part of half an hour. Then, finally, he pulls off beside an old mill of some kind, one that looks like it shut down years ago.

There is not a soul around. If you were to start screaming now, at the top of your lungs, you doubt anyone would hear you. Hoffman unbuckles his seat belt, and turns to face you.

“Are you going to murder me?” You ask, voice shaking.

“Now why would I do that?” There’s a note of false concern in his voice, which is offset by the smug smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth. He wants you to say it out loud. 

Right now, you’re feeling helpless.

“Alright. Alright. Yes, I think- I don’t know what I saw. Maybe it was you, maybe it was someone else. Bringing me out here instead of home isn’t a good look for you, you know,” you ramble nervously. He watches you.

“You think I’m the accomplice," he confirms, "Explains why you were so jumpy after,” Hoffman leans across the middle console, and tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear. It would feel intimate, if it wasn’t overtly threatening. 

“Which brings me back to my question. Did you bring me out here to kill me?,” you size up the windows as you speak, wondering if you could break them, if you had to. Can you roll them down? Nope, locked too, just like the door.

“You’re the psychic.” He replies, before he says, “I’ve still got questions that you might be able to help me with. You’re too useful. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I won’t lie to you, so don’t lie to me, either,” you snap back at him. He actually laughs at that, incredulous.

“You’re really something,” he mutters, shaking his head. “Listen. Your... theories. You tell them to me, and only me. You don’t tell Kerry, you don’t tell Rigg. You wouldn’t want to put them in danger, would you? No one would believe you anyway, but let’s not take any chances.” Hoffman leans into your space again, using his size to intimidate you. He’s only inches from you, caging you entirely back against the passenger side car door.

You nod your head in acquiescence. He hums in approval.

“Good. You tell Kerry about your theories, and it doesn’t end well for anyone, get it? Can you 'sense' that?”

And you can. You know he will kill you if he has to. He’ll kill you, Kerry, your family, anyone that gets in his way or threatens his cover. You get the horrible, hopeless sense that nothing would be able to stop him if he wanted you dead.

“Give me your phone.” You pass him your flip phone, still feeling dizzy with adrenaline and a pulse of relief- that he’s not going to kill you. At least not tonight. Probably.

After a few moments, he passes your phone back to you, leaning back into your space. A contact has been added under the name Mark. 

“Now I wanna hear you say it. You’re not going to tell anyone else.,” pressed back against the car door, you almost feel like you can’t breathe, but you nod quickly. Sickeningly, your face is flushed from the proximity.

“I won’t tell anyone else what I see about the Jigsaw murders. Just you,” you breathe, and he nods, touching your neck for a brief moment before he lets go and leans back, sitting back in the driver’s seat and looking you over.

“Before I take you home. Is there anything else you picked up that you haven’t told me about?”

“Mostly just feelings. Power, rage, loss, pain. Things like that. The, um, pig mask,” you pause, floundering, worried that continuing will piss him off. But he catches it- of course he does- and raises an eyebrow.

“And?”

“And I’m- I’m sorry about your sister.”

He sits back like you’ve knocked the breath out of him. He looks truly stunned, staring at you with his mouth slightly agape. You quickly add, “I don’t know anything about what happened. Just uh, just that sentence. And the feeling of... of a crushing loss.”

“Right,” he shakes his head, starting the car back up. He nods to himself, like he’s still processing what you’ve said. “Fuckin'... wow."

"Yeah, the intuition doesn't pull any punches," You mumble in return. He glances at you in surprise, and you quietly curse your inability to shut the fuck up.

Reluctantly, you give him your address, and he starts to drive back to the city. Within another half an hour, you’re pulling into the driveway of your apartment building, anxious to be out of the car and into your home.

“Now I know where you live. Got it?” He murmurs. You nod again, mutely. As you exit the car, Mark stops you.

“I’ll be in touch,” he says, before you scamper into your building.

NEXT CHAPTER

[captinamericashusband]

The Love Letter | Steve Rogers/Captain America x Male!Reader

A/N: Another Steve Rogers fanfic because he is a cutie. This one is way shorter than my first fic and not the best writing I've done admittedly. Anyways, enjoy!

P.S. Stream Short n' Sweet by Sabrina Carpenter 💋

The Love Letter

Word Count: 2.4k

Summary: Y/N, too afraid to verbally confess his feelings for Steve, gives him a love letter instead

Warnings: Sad

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Natasha stared bewildered at Y/N, aggressively punching the boxing dummy in the team's training room. With each continuous whack, growing strength with each successive hit, the dent in the dummy's torso grew larger. Natasha observed that he only acted this vehemently if something was bothering him. The last time this occurred was after a botched mission that resulted in numerous accidental deaths and tonnes of paperwork. As Y/N began winding down from his strenuous training, Natasha approached him, already having a slight idea for the cause of his trouble.

“It’s Steve isn’t it?” she abruptly asked. 

Y/N glanced towards her with a questioning look. “I’m sorry?”

“You like him, but you’re too scared to tell him.”

Y/N stared at her, trying to maintain a look that conveyed he was completely unsure as to what she was on about. However, he soon cracked under the pressure of her intense piercing gaze and gave her a resigned look. Sighing, he said, “Was I that obvious?”

"Y/N, we all see the way you ogle him." Y/N's jaw slightly clenched at his obliviousness to his obvious crushing. "The whole team knows, and I wouldn't be surprised if Steve himself did too."

Y/N let out a frustrated groan, running a hand through his hair. He always hated Natasha’s cunning observational skills. But he was aware this time his long-term crush was exposed at his fault. “I just don’t know how to tell him. I mean, what if he doesn’t feel the same?”

Natasha lightly placed her hand on Y/N’s shoulder. “You’re not going to ruin anything by telling him. There’s nothing wrong with being honest. Plus, there could be the chance he likes you also.”

Y/N’s head shook slightly. “I’m not sure how to tell him without completely embarrassing myself in front of him.”

Natasha’s expression turned deep with thought. Then, the metaphorical light bulb lit up in her head. "Maybe you should write him a letter. That way nothing you’ll say will be misconstrued. It's the most objective way to say your feelings for him, Y/N."

Y/N glanced towards Natasha, unaware if she was serious or saying everything in jest. "Wouldn't it be easier if I sent him a text message?"

Natasha shook her head. "Letters are more romantic. Plus, Steve is old-fashioned. I'm sure he'd appreciate it more than some lacklustre text."

As Natasha left the training grounds, Y/N began thinking deeply about her suggestion. He never imagined telling Steve about his feelings, let alone confessing through a handwritten letter. The worse that could occur, he thought, was that Steve would reject him and the entire trajectory of any friendship they had would completely change beyond recognition. However, the idea of Steve being whisked away by anyone else was enough to fill him with dread. He couldn't have a repeat of his emotions during Steve's brief fling with Sharon Carter. Tear-dampened tissues filled his room the week he heard the news – he reached a new low during that time. After his shower in the gym's adjacent locker room, Y/N began devising what he would say and how exactly he would say it.

Walking back to his room, Y/N made a brief detour to one of Tony's several printers scattered around the compound to grab several sheets of paper. He was already anticipating the inevitable drafts that would end up in his garbage bin. As he sat on his desk, cracking his knuckles before putting pen to paper, he hoped whatever monstrosity he would conjure would convey his feelings in a way that Steve would fully reciprocate them.

------------------------------------

After three hours and several tossed crumpled balls of paper in his garbage, Y/N finally created what he thought was the best thing he had ever written. Skimming through it again, he started thinking otherwise and that it was actually really bad. The letter read:

Steve,

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I finally decided I needed to air it out. Natasha suggested writing you a letter, and honestly, I was hesitant at first. But the more I considered it, I realised it was the only suitable option for this situation. I know you're not the type for overly grand gestures, so I'll keep it simple.

Ever since we met, I've been admiring you. Not just for the reason that you're Captain America, but also for what I've seen in who you are as a person. Your kindness, bravery, strength, and dedication amongst many more of your qualities are things I've come to deeply respect. Over time, these feelings I felt for you have grown from something more than admiration – something I never expected.

I've tried to hide it, but I'm not sure I can anymore. I like you, Steve. I really like you a lot, as more than a friend. I know you've been through a lot, so I don't want any of this to complicate you any further. I just needed to tell you how I feel. I value the friendship we have, and I don't want this to negatively change that.

I understand if you don't feel the same way. If you'd prefer it, we could both pretend I never wrote you this. But if there is a chance you feel the same, maybe we could both see where this goes. No pressure, no expectations – just honesty.

Y/N

After rereading it for the fifth time, Y/N decided this was the best it would get. If Steve hated it, then so be it. Y/N put the letter in a sleek dark brown envelope from a stationary set he bought earlier from a high-end arts and crafts store. Since it was for Steve, he had splurged on whatever he could in hopes it would convey the seriousness of his feelings.

As Y/N walked towards Steve’s room, a feeling of severe anxiety washed over him, causing him to fidget with the letter between his fingers. The outcomes of the letter-sending were so polar that he wasn’t sure if his feelings were worth the chance. On one hand, Steve would feel the same and both would live happily ever after. On the other, Steve would downright reject him, their friendship would be destroyed, and the awkwardness would find a way to infiltrate its way into the team, getting in the way of their world-saving. 

Steve’s door came into view, and the urge to turn around and leave became stronger for Y/N. Before Y/N could back down, he heard footsteps descending the hallway’s corner. After quickly slipping the letter under the door frame, Y/N ran in the opposite direction. Whatever was to ensue after was up in the hands of whichever deity was out there.

------------------------------------

The team assembled for dinner shortly after Y/N’s letter made it to Steve’s room. As he sat in his designated spot beside Natasha, his hands started becoming clammy, and his head became nauseous with worrying thoughts. Steve has yet to arrive at the table. Coughing lightly, Y/N turned towards Natasha. 

“I did it, Nat.” Y/N quivered softly. 

“Did what, Y/N/N?” She said in between her chewing.

“I sent him the letter. Earlier this evening, I sent him the letter. God, I can’t believe I listened to you.”

Natasha turned her head, eyes wide in disbelief. Before she could respond, Steve walked into the dining room. The team greeted him, including Y/N whose voice wavered slightly upon seeing the man he so recently confessed his feelings for. Steve’s eyes wandered around the table until they stopped on Y/N. The two looked at each other, and Y/N’s stomach churned. He tried to read Steve’s expression, but it was indistinguishable. As his heart pounded, his hands trembled under the table. 

Natasha slightly nudged Y/N with her elbow. “Relax, Y/NN. Just see how he acts.”

Y/N nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. As Steve approached the table, he pulled the chair directly in front of Y/N, sitting down with a small smile. “Hey, everyone,” Steve greeted, his voice soft and supple, smiling brightly at the team. 

Y/N managed to contort a crooked smile in return. “Hi, Steve.” His voice wavered once again and his cheeks blushed. He looked down towards his plate in hopes no one noticed.

As the team continued with their conversation – Bruce and Tony bantering about lab tech, Thor sharing a story about Asgard, and Clint making sarcastic remarks near the table’s end – Y/N kept glancing towards. Steve looked relaxed, but every so often, his eyes would also meet Y/N’s, and Y/N’s stomach would be sent into a spiral of front flips. 

At one point, Steve met Y/N’s gaze and held it for longer than usual. Y/N’s heart skipped a beat. He knew at that point that Steve must have read the letter. There was no other reason for the glances they shared with each other, and the slight glint of something in Steve’s eyes. He could already sense the inevitable conversation Steve was about to confront him with in the not-so-distant future.

Dinner continued, and eventually, the team started to disperse. As for Y/N, his heart sank as he remembered it was his turn to wash the dishes today. Today of all days. Even more troubling, Steve had volunteered behind to help with cleaning. Y/N already knew where this was going to lead. With one last glance at Natasha who offered him a reassuring smile, it was just Y/N and Steve left together.

------------------------------------

The kitchen was dead silent as the two men cleared the table, the clinking of dishes and the sound of running water from the sink being the only interruption. Y/N could feel Steve’s presence beside him – comforting and warm, but tonight it felt different. Heavy. He couldn’t conjure the courage to look at him, instead focusing on aggressively rubbing a stubborn stain on one of the plates.

Finally, after what like an eternity, Steve finally broke the silence. “Y/N,” he said, his voice carrying a certain softness that made Y/N’s heart beat faster. “About the letter…”

Y/N froze, squeezing the sponge in his hand hard. He knew this was bound to happen, but hearing Steve’s voice mention his letter still made him incredibly nervous. Slowly, he turned towards Steve, ready for whatever he was about to be hit with. “Yeah?” he managed to whisper, his voice barely managing to make it above a whisper.

Steve fully turned towards Y/N, setting down the dish he was currently drying and meeting his eyes. His expression was serious, and his blue eyes were holding a feeling Y/N couldn’t decipher – nervousness, maybe, or regret. “I read it,” he said quietly. “And I want you to know that I’m honoured that you trust me enough to share your feelings with me. I really am.”

Y/N’s heart clenched. He felt the impending doom through Steve’s tone. Y/N nodded slowly, attempting to keep his emotions in check. “But…?”

Steve took a deep breath, he turned away briefly before meeting Y/N’s eyes again. “But I don’t feel the same way,” he said, voice firm but soft. “I care about you a lot, Y/N, as a friend. I value our friendship and I don’t want to hurt you. But I don’t see you the same way as you see me.”

Y/N’s felt his heart shatter, the pieces were spiralling into a million jagged edges. The pain was worse than anything he experienced. It felt worse than any gunshot or stab wound he ever endured. “I understand,” he said. It was evident he was trying to hold back tears. “I just thought… maybe…”

Steve’s hand hovered above Y/N’s. He hesitated before retracting it, unsure if Y/N wanted to be touched or not. “I really am sorry, Y/N. I don’t want to make this awkward between us. I value our friendship too much for that.”

Y/N could only nod again. His chest swelled with a numbing feeling. He then realised what the glint was in Steve’s eyes. It was pity. “Yeah, no I totally understand,” he muttered. He stared at the soapy water. “It’s fine. I’m fine. I shouldn’t have said anything. It was stupid – I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” Steve said gently. “It was not stupid at all. You have every right to express your feelings. I’m just sorry I couldn’t give you the answer you were looking for, Y/N.”

Y/N could feel the tears pooling near the ducts of his eyes. The weight of the rejection fully settled on his shoulders. “Yeah well…thank you for being honest. I appreciate it, I guess,” he whispered, turning back to the dishes to hide the tears now streaming down his cheeks. He scrubbed at the plates more force than necessary, trying to channel to pain he was feeling towards his hands. 

Steve hesitated. It was clear he wanted to say more, but he could tell Y/N wanted him to leave. “I really am sorry, Y/N.”

Y/N couldn’t trust himself to speak again, afraid his voice would hint at the tears leaving his eyes. After a brief moment of silence, he could hear Steve’s footsteps retracting from the kitchen.

When he was sure Steve was gone, Y/N let out a shaky breath before letting his tears fall freely. He gripped the edge of the sink, knuckles turning white in an attempt to hold himself together. But it was to no avail. He slid down to the floor, back against the kitchen sink. The pain was too raw to hold in. As he buried his head in his hands, he sobbed and prayed that no one would walk in and see his miserable self.

He was fully prepared for the possibility of rejection. But everything in him was hoping Steve would feel the same. That the future he envisioned for both of them together would become real somehow. The heartache he felt was unbearable, and each breath he took was a struggle as he attempted to calm himself down. Was he not good enough for Steve? Was he not attractive enough? Y/N started internally beating himself, trying to find the reason he wasn’t desirable for the only person he could ever want.    

Minutes passed, maybe hours; Y/N wasn’t sure. Eventually, the tears started slowing down and his breathing became more shallow. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand, taking a few shaky breaths before standing up. He knew he had to pick himself up and move on. But for now, Y/N could let himself wallow in his grief. 

As he walked back to his room, he couldn’t help but think if he could ever face Steve without breaking all over again. 

FIN

A/N: Sorry! Hope you enjoyed! Next one will be cute as fuck I didn't enjoy writing this one that much actually it didn't fill me with happy giddy feelings.

[la-rougo]

*SFW*—

Hades x Chaotic deity ! GN reader

I could make a chaotic reader series lmaoooo

Warnings: swearing

Even though the king is often busy and doesn’t really visit the upperworld unless necessary, but he sure does know a lot of dieties out there, including you

He only heard about your title like “f/n the disaster bringer” or “f/n the god/goddess of stupidity” he lowkey wanted to know who this deity is

You often run around in valhalla messing with gods and goddesses, pranking all of them and get kicked out sometimes, even Loki is afraid of going near you but ended up being your sidekick

Now that piqued the helheim ruler’s interest, how did someone even managed to do something even worse than loki?

He decided to come out to the upperworld more often to observe you from afar. He wanted to know more about you and maybe hang out around sometimes since he haven’t seek any fun in his life for a long while after all, though he have tons of work to finish

There he sees you pulling out your shenanigans stupidly, how cute. Your chaotic behavior may seem dumb and annoying to other deities but to him? He found it adorable and fascinating on how you come up with new ways of pranking deities none stop

H/c deity was found pushing Loki lightly made him dropped whatever he’s holding “jeez f/n! You’ll never ever get tired of bullying me do you, oh well. That’s what I found cute about you~” Loki said teasingly as he bent down to reach for the object only to feel a hard smack on his ass, his body jumped up highly like those goofy cartoons, yelped loudly from the impact on his butt. He turn look back at you with an angry wojak expression, his fist clenching being one centimeter close to blow your head off with a single punch

You whistles casually and ran away “this is the sixth time of this week that you abused my cheeks you stupid as—!!! *slurs*” you saw him chasing after you, running for your dear life, you tried to find a way to escape him cause you know damn well if he finally get you then he’s gonna slap your bakery back with immense amounts of strength that could send you to the oblivion

You found a tall intimidating god, you didn’t look up to see who he is or you have any clue of it, you hid behind him, sticking your tongue out at Loki. The mischievous god sighs and asked the tall god “sir, I apologize for that gremlin and for the commotion. May I have them back?” Loki smiles sarcastically. The tall god chuckles… wait, you recognize his voice “I’m afraid you’ll have you get your revenge later” oh shit. Is that… is that Hades? You thought as you lean to his side to look up and see his face while Loki floats away in defeat

You stare at him, who’s watching Loki leave, he is Hades the king of the helheim… he’s even handsome up close, suddenly his gaze switches to your eyes as he look at you with a gentle smile

“Where’s my thank you hm?” Your soul flew back to your body and you bowed deeply, head digging down the floor “uhh thank you very much mister!” You said, not looking at him. Hades was about to say something but was cut off by you fleeing away from him as fast as you can, leaving him confused and amused

You actually have been crushing on Hades for a while now, obviously you rant about him to Loki

Every time you see him greeting gods and goddesses so formally, unlike you. Makes your toxic traits says you can do that too

Well you actually tried that but failed, miserably

You often sneaked into the underworld to see your fellow friends like hypnos and definitely not Hades

He’s like your biggest crush or smth, when you saw him training or slaying any titans so majestically or his gaze lays on you, literally those night at your house would be you giggling and kicking your feet thinking about him

You often see him in events, celebrations and parties that mostly zeus being the host(of course) and you see how nice, well mannered and perfect he is

He’s like completely opposite to you which made you believe that he couldn’t be with you, he deserves an independent, formal and smart person, a person who’s as perfect as him not a goofy comedian… at least that’s what you thought

After your first direct encounter, you’re so close to explode every time the moment he made an eye contact with you again

Hades decided, soon he’ll get to know more about you and maybe got together… wait what?

You were hanging out in Valhalla again, but this time. You’re alone, sleeping while your back leaning against a tree in the garden while shifting uncomfortably

A presence seems to be approaching your slumbering form quietly, not daring to wake you up from your beauty sleep. The presence looms over your unconscious body, whoever it is, stepped beside you and laying down next to you without making any sound.

Your uncomfortable shifting was not unnoticed by the person next to you, hands slowly caress your back and sides silently, your upper body was caressed gently, being guided by the hands, which make your body turns aside. Suddenly your head lays on a soft surface, a fabric texture. One of the person’s hand now rest on your head and stroking your hair so tenderly. With the change of position and feeling something on your head, it causes your eye lids to open up slowly, expected to meet a sunlight but instead, observing the sight in front of you made you realized your current position.

You were sleeping on Hades’ lap?! While he’s stroking your hair?!?!?!

“Wha-“

“Hush, dear. Go back to your rest”

Your slightly widened eyes stare at his gentle ones, as gentle as his smile that’s being portrayed on his face

You were about to ask more questions but quickly got shut up by Hades’ lip placing against your forehead. Saying you’re shock would be an understatement. Hades’ lift his head up slightly, moving to place another kiss on your already pink dusted cheek

After calling for your soul to come back to your body, yet you still can’t move, not that you want but you’re actually that surprised. But you collect all your courages left and leans up to his face, leaning in slowly and place a peck on his cheek, the same way that he does to you, which made him surprised, but it was quickly replaced by his silly smile

He peck you back on the forehead while his hand run up to your head and pat it dearly, you feel like you can die right there, like fr

Hades lean against the tree and lift you up by your lower parts, placing you up on his lap and he guides your head to rest on his shoulder

He didn’t expect your second encounter would be this… lovely and sweet, he loves it a lot. He felt like everything that mattered his mind vanished while there’s only you in his head, he had never seen your peaceful side before and he love it, honestly he admire everything about you to the point he didn’t realized his feelings developed more and more

The two rest together under the tree in a garden peacefully, no one dares to mind them or even see them in the first place. At least one person saw and ran away to go weeping in the corner

You and Hades eventually become closer and closer together, even if the two’s personalities are as different as day and night, rumors starts to spread about Hades being your boyfriend or smth

I kid you not, when Poseidon heard about this he’s beyond disappointment. Out of all god and goddesses, you??? While zeus actually being supportive and adamas is just, shocked

Hades didn’t mind the rumors, he actually likes it since its just fun to tease you something like “we look like couples don’t you think?”

You almost leave him a scar

He’s actually starting to get serious about his feelings, does he think of you as a friend? Of course! That’s what he at least tried, cause seeing you with Loki makes him rethink his plan about confession

One day he was about to meet you in Valhalla like usual, smiling a bit. Once he’s close to your meet up place. A frown soon took over his face when he sees you and Loki together

He was about to turn away but a few words reached his ears

“What if he didn’t like me back?”

“He’s obvious as fuck!”

“Wait really?”

Hades turn back to see your nervous form looking around, probably looking for him? Hell yea!

He sneakily approach you from behind and surprise you with a little greeting

You flinched and turn around to see Hades’ face, his handsome face… you look back to Loki and giving him the “what do I do bro” face. Loki didn’t reply and slowly leaving, giving you a last thumbs up and vanished

You were about to go chase Loki but soon realized what you have to do. You nervously turn back to Hades, smiling like always, gah dayum he’s hot.

You cleared your throat and trying to recall all the practices you did with Loki, only to stand in front of him awkwardly. Hades’ calm expression turn into confusion and lean himself in to see what’s mattering you

“Are you alright?”

You startled by Hades again and trying to form a sentence

“Okay so, I’ve been crushing on this guy lately…”

Hades’ frown slightly and straightened his back. He only stood silently, he doesn’t even have to ask who it is cause it’s probably Loki, if it’s another person then, why would you tell him and not Loki?

“He’s a very cool god, I used to watch him from afar and admire him, I never thought of approaching him or talk to him because he’s Zeus’ brother. I’m scared he wouldn’t want to date an unserious deity because he’s more than a divine being”

Hades expression changed into a shocked one as he awkwardly spoke up

“Poseidon?”

You look up at him with a “bro what?” Face and facepalm. Do you really have to confess more? You thought he’s more clever than this!

“No… it’s not Poseidon!”

“Adamas?”

“…no.”

That’s obvious enough judging from Hades’ even more shocked expression. You pray he doesn’t reject you or if he does then at least doesn’t damage your relationship, you heard a soft chuckle left Hades’ lips and a reply

“I apologize for my obliviousness… but thank you for your reassurance”

Wait what? Reassurance? Fr? Like— fr?!!

You felt your cheek heat up, so does his. Hades lean in to place a peck on your cheek and pat you

“I like you too”

Flabbergasted was just an understatement, you couldn’t process anything but the only thing you’re sure you’re feeling is happiness and love

You look at him, now slightly flustered expression, which suits him a lot. You lean up and return the peck

Holy shit, having hades’ as a partner is literally every girls dream

Since he have quite lots of work, he’s quite clingy. When he have a free time he would cuddle you and spending times with you ended up with him going back to his work late

He loves you with all of his heart and he never dares to not return the affections because you have to feel how good you make him feel!

He’s also not ashamed of giving you affection or you giving him too much in public, like when he’s having a meeting with the Olympus gang. You who weren’t even invited is sitting on his lap and calling him like “hades my pookie bear” he loves it a lot and love his relatives’ reactions (Poseidon being the most disgusted)

He cares a lot like A LOT about you, example like when you cough a little he would immediately become worried and ask if you’re ok, he’ll go get you warm water and meds

Of course you tell him to calm down, although you love that about him

He doesn’t often get jealous because he trust you and loves you! Though sometimes he’s a bit unhappy when you’re too close with some other god/goddesses. But he wouldn’t cause a scene and just look away until you’re back to him

He🗣️definitely🗣️cook🗣️so🗣️good🗣️even though most of the time you would cook for him, but when it’s his day off he would make the most delicious meal known to Olympus for you, his love of his life

He could go on days ranting about how you’re a light that lit up his dark life into a fun spontaneous one, he loves you so much even words can’t even describe how much he cherish you

[purplecritter]

theories/thoughts/analysis about touchstarved after playing the demo a few times

Under the cut because it got long (I exceeded the post character limit...) Also spoilers btw. PS: All the links are to posts on the official social media accounts or their kickstarter, with the exception of the animated trailer screenshots that I got from here.

(Happy one month since demo dropped!)

Mhin

I'm starting with them because I play favorites.

Mhin's silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights the crying eye (guilt? pain? blood? Their pupils almost seem to glow red, I wonder if it's connected) and the beak (in a way that reminds me of the skull of a bird rather than a live one).

The red choice connected to them is about asking if they're a scientist: their precision is almost surgical, though when asked if they've studied anatomy or medicine their reply is “Not quite” so it must be something similar enough.

When Vere complains about their first encounter with Mhin, he mentions that their dagger (visible in their in-game art) is an antique. Perhaps they inherited it, maybe from a mentor? It’s a curious choice of weapon for a hunter: stilettos (it’s described as such in the demo) aren’t ineffective in battle (especially if wielded by a physically strong fighter, which they absolutely are), but they are favored by assassins because they’re easy to conceal, they strike precisely and deeply but without letting much blood leak from the needle-thin wound.

As far as design goes, the clasps on their hood looks like a mix between the quaternary celtic knot and the triquetra / trinity knot. Symbolically, the latter is associated to the Triple Goddess (more on this in Leander’s section) or three elements, while the former represents the four elements or the four seasons or the four cardinal directions, and is often used as a symbol of protection.

Their fatal flaw is that they “resist change at all costs”. I'm led to believe that they became a Monster instead of being born one. I think it either happened not that long ago or they lost control over it recently, and that's what spurred them on their search for a cure. Them being described as “outcast” also makes me think that they could have been exiled from wherever they came from, perhaps because the people found out that “a monster hides within their frame”.

When questioning them about Ais, they say “I'm not going to risk my life in the hopes that any of them is different” which shows that they’re distancing themself from their situation (i.e., being/becoming a Monster).

Their hate towards Monsters could be either a projection of the hate they feel towards themself (if they were aware that there was a Monster inside of them before they lost control and hurt someone, for example) or just because one took over them and by extension they hate every Monster because of it. If the “lost control and hurt someone” thing is true I'll also add that they might be working as a Hunter as a way to try and atone. It could also be a way to expel the more violent instincts (I’m assuming they have some) into something productive.

The “they're afraid of being hurt. Or worse” on their relationship chart with Kuras feels to me like they're afraid of hurting him, also because when you ask them how they get along with him during the demo, they say “Few people are willing to help others; fewer when there's any risk involved” and I'm choosing to interpret that they think of themself as the risk. I know I'm really pushing it on this aspect but the “If you stay too close to me, you'll get hurt”+“Find someone safer to ask for help” only fuels me more. Their monstrous form also looks less defined and more liquid compared to the others, maybe because it's not as developed so it doesn't look as solid?

Vere is also said to be often provoking Mhin in order to make them lose control: he's confident in himself enough to think that he'd have the upper hand in a fight with Monster!Mhin, probably because they're a skilled hunter but they don't have that much experience over their monstrous side. Mhin dislikes Vere because he’s “the embodiment of everything [they] hate about Monsters”: while Mhin holds back from their nature and seeks a cure, Vere wants to give in to his instincts without restraints.

In the demo, they get defensive when questioned about the Senobium, but when they say “Whatever you're looking for, the cost may be higher than what you're willing to pay” I think they're speaking from experience.

It's interesting that it's implied that they slept with Leander once. Judging by the comment about the Wet Wick being the “perfect combination for making mistakes”, they're not enthusiastic about it. I’m guessing that they don't like that Leander has seen them with their guard down? Or they

Unless I missed something, it's unknown where in Eridia they're staying. I'll say it's probably in a different direction from the Wet Wick since they make a point of saying that they're only going there to protect Kuras (instead of, for example, “I live nearby anyways so I'll take the same road”).

The flowers in their pin design look similar to cornus kousa, or some other type of dogwood, symbolizing hope, resilience, renewal (I also found: rebirth, new life, strength, regret). After a long and grueling winter, Eridia greets the first dogwood blossoms with relief. These flowers are known to cling tenaciously to life even in the worst conditions, from barren wastelands to ruins perpetually shrouded in Fogfall… Really poetic meaning! I imagine Mhin as the dogwood flower, persisting even after the Tragic Backstory that made them lonely (“barren wastelands”) and their Monster Form (“shrouded in fogfall”)

Leander

Leander's silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights only his eyes (they share the color of his magic -> maybe it's how he uses magic that contributes to him being “monstrous”?).

Nothing to note about his red choice except that it is unlocked by generally following his lead (taking the flower when he offers it, touching him without hesitation).

Speaking of his magic, an Alchemist MC notes that it extraordinarily powerful, enough that he doesn't need incantations or spell circles to cast it. Kuras mentioned that Leander prefers the company of those similar to him and that the Bloodhounds are mostly people who've endured the hardships of Lowtown, so I can't help but wonder if Leander was always a natural at magic, or if he did receive training but was later cast out, or maybe he left by choice?

A recurrent symbol in Leander's design is the triangle, as a detail mostly (on his coat, boots, dangling from his belt), but there's also one that looks like the alchemical symbol for earth (🜃) attached to the brooch on his chest; another symbol for earth is, you guessed it, the serpent, whose other meaning is duplicitous nature as well as renewal and rebirth. This connects to the ouroboros (present in his earring as well as in the background of the sticker and charm kickstarter rewards), symbolizing the cycle of death and rebirth and with relevance in alchemy as the “all in one”. The same theme is also present in the symbol of the triple moon (on his belt) symbolizing the stages of birth life and death and more in general three aspects united in one; the white lilies symbolizing renewal, regrowth, rebirth. The green feels fitting too, since it's often used to symbolize health and abundance.

Alongside the little triangle shape, attached to his belt there are a key (which is not the room key he gave MC), the head of which reminds me of two snakes knotted together; there's also a... I have no clue what that glowing red globe-spike is actually. It's the only other red item (along with the gem on the earring sword hilt) on Leander, but in some of the concept art it was green instead, so I think it's at least somewhat connected to his magic or the source of it. The shape of it combined with the red glow reminds me of Eridia’s towers’ architecture but that’s probably a stretch. I also feel like the symbol on the central part of the triple moon belt buckle is relevant: it immediately reminded me of a spell circle, and after doing some digging in sacred geometry, I’ve found that its 6 petal-like shapes (lilies also have 6 petals...) look similar to the hexafoil, “germ of life”, or the central part of the “seed of life”, which is connected to the divine creation of the world in 7 days/phases; a series of interconnected hexafoils make the “flower of life”, the meaning of which is creation (both in general and of the universe itself), and that everything’s interconnected to everything else... I couldn’t help but think of the “As above, so below” tagline in the Bloodhounds' poster; the sentence has so many interpretations in alchemy/esotericism but the gist of it is, “things in the higher realms of existence are just like in the lower/earthly plane” and “what happens in a large scale also happens in a small scale” and “common material things can make pure spiritual things”.

Overall, I'm thinking that all the green-glowing details on his outfit might be arcane foci, to help him cast magic without using incantations. As of right now, I’m willing to bet that Leander's connected to the Allmother (the traveler in the cart prayed to her) and/or the Abbess (the leader of the Senobium, I think): many of the aforementioned symbols also have ties to femininity and/or feminine qualities.

Other big things in his design are the eyebags and scar that goes from the cheek to the arm. I don’t have much to say on those, probably the scar is going to be connected to some important backstory event and the eyebags are a clue to suggest that there’s something troubling behind the bright and positive persona that he presents as.

If we want to take the name literally (I do), we could assume that Leander and his Bloodhounds are not simply a group of mercenaries, but mercenaries with a cause. Hounds are a breed specifically intended to track something specific (or someone specific) by scent. Given the animosity shown by them at the mere mention of the Senobium, it could have something to do with that, but perhaps it's also something more personal to Leander.

Let's get to the biggest red flag of the green-themed man: “Fatal flaw: [REDACTED]” and “Not all Monsters are inhuman”. There's also the fact that Vere doesn't trust his behaviour (I'll get to it in his section but I would generally trust Vere's words to be truthful). It’s also worth noting that in the first scene he makes an appearance in, he’s presented almost as a performer, a subtle-not-so-subtle hint that he can work his audience really skillfully. Overall, he seems too good to be true, and to quote Leander himself in the demo, “Things that seem too good to be true are often just that.” I don't think he's malevolent per se, but I also believe he's a very good liar (or at least, good at keeping his cards close to his pillowy bosom chest) and he can be a lot more ruthless than he lets on.

I already said it in Mhin's section but it's implied that the two of them slept together once, and I can't help but wonder if Leander also tried the whole "let me touch you so I can see what curses you but also you can tie me down if you want wink wink" tactic with them.

I get the feeling that he also slept with Ais? “He sure likes it when others take control”+“He's not so bad once you get to know him”. The bartender didn't joke about the room being used often huh (i’m saying this lighthearted and teasingly, nothing against it lol).

He's obviously staying at the Wet Wick with the rest of the Bloodhounds, and it happens often enough that the bartender/owner is familiar with their habits. I wonder if he also as a house of his own or not.

The flowers (in-game art, animated trailer, pin design, charm and sticker design) are white lilies, symbolizing devotion, sympathy and faith (I also found: renewal/rebirth/reregrowth and purity. Nothing says “I love you” as clearly as white lilies—ironic, since they’re some of the region’s most poisonous flowers. Some mages believe that these lilies contain a mysterious magic, but attempts to harness this power have only resulted in lethal poisonings. A not-so-veiled warning to be careful of what lies behind Leander’s charming facade... And considering that he seems to like when MC defers to him, I could imagine the (metaphorical... unless?) lethal poisoning in a possible bad end!

Kuras

Kuras' silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights the several eyes (truth and secrets being very important themes in his route, he's also described as “observer”) and his tears (his guilt).

No red choice for Kuras, but there is various flavour text depending on choices. First and most notably, the Unnamed MC notes that something about him feels familiar: this could simply be a hint about him being divine in nature, or it might mean something more, I'm still uncertain. Moreover, depending on dialogue, one of his scenes towards the end of the demo plays out slightly differently, and it shows the more playful side of him (which I absolutely didn’t expect, but I enjoyed that).

As far as appearance goes, his human form and his divine form have many similarities: this post does a very good job of showing them, but additionally I'll say that his halo (silhouette, charm and sticker design) reminds me of the shape of his earrings.

There are a few lines that imply that being in Kuras' vicinity feels physically warmer. It could be just a standard “MC likes him so being near makes them feel all warm and fuzzy” but I think it's more to do with his angelic nature having a comforting effect on people. Something that could be connected to that is the theme of fire (“eldritch flames”, also visible in the charm and sticker design), which symbolically is the element that purifies souls and reveals the truth.

His clinic seems very neat, for someone who works with numerous patients for the whole day. Moreover, his clothes stay unnaturally devoid of any sign of dirt. His appearance is also very curated, so I think that part of it is him being thorough about cleaning and part of it might be a consequence of his magic. Additionally, during the 16/04/23 Q&A stream with the devs (timestamp: 49:32), they (jokingly) said that Kuras doesn’t even put his hair up while performing surgeries, which to me also means that he doesn’t need to do it because he’s supernaturally clean and hygienic.

There's no clear mention of him having magic in the first place, but I don't think he could've completely reattached MC's arm so flawlessly any other way.

I wouldn't think much of it if it were any other character but Kuras' birthday being January 1st makes me think that he picked the date on purpose... or randomly, considering it doesn’t seem to be important to him.

During the 16/04/23 Q&A stream with the devs (timestamp: 41:24), it was noted that Kuras’ name was deliberately chosen, I think implying that it probably has a meaning behind it, though I can’t say what as of now (my search only revealed that kurash is a type of wrestling in Central Asia, and that there’s a deity called Kura in a region of Syria).

I think it's a known fact in Eridia that Kuras is not simply human (“Only the most desperate or the foolish would dare lay a hand on me”), so it's interesting that he chose to not disclose that to the MC. Granted, they've interacted for less than a day now and information is the currency. I also wonder if he’s always been a doctor or if he chose to become one at a certain point... I guess it would depend: is he “repentant” for something he did before settling in Eridia, or after?

Ais also thinks that Kuras used to be more outgoing but the reason he doesn’t really open up a lot to people anymore is because he “must’ve been burned”, which is an interesting insight. I lean more towards thinking that he’s been burned after becoming a resident in Eridia.

There's nothing that strikes me as peculiar regarding his relationships with the other characters,with two exceptions. Kuras' self-inflicted exile is centuries old, and combined with the fact that he (occasionally and begrudgingly?) works with the Senobium, it might be plenty of reason for Vere to hate him. I think that Kuras might've witnessed how he came to be captured (or actively took part in it), and that event is what feeds his mistrust towards Vere. Secondly, it’s said that he “looks forward to Ais helping around his clinic”: does Ais use the Seaspring’s healing powers on some patients (“I help him in the clinic sometimes”)? I wonder if the smokey scent when the MC wakes in Kuras’ clinic was because he’d been there recently.

He lives in one of the more populated areas, probably because 1) more easy for patients to reach him and 2) he likes meeting people.

The flowers in his pin design look like magnolias, symbolizing longevity, grace, divinity (I also found: eternity, perseverance, purity). The elegant magnolia’s therapeutic properties are vital in such a dangerous world. The Senobium cultivates a small magnolia grove, though few make it past the imposing gates to enjoy the rejuvenating blossoms… Of course the medicinal aspect reflects Kuras well. And there’s the connection to him being employed in some form by the Senobium too, the gates could definitely be a metaphor for how he keeps the true extent of his powers at bay

Ais

Ais' silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights his tattoo (Ocudeus' tentacles) and his eyes (the Groupmind's effect).

If MC’s been talking defiantly to him throughout the demo, the red choice connected to Ais also consists of rebelling to him, which he clearly enjoys (he’s said to dislike easy fights, so that’s probably it).

An Unnamed MC will note that Ocudeus’s presence/calling in the Seaspring feels familiar, and that his tattoo feels unnatural and it seems to move when they’re not looking... I’ll say that the tattoo isn’t a regular one, and might be the physical manifestation of the metaphorical mark that the bond with Ocudeus left on Ais. This also explains why in the silhouette of his monstrous form the tentacle tattoo is extended beyond what it normally looks like (it reaches his face, and over half of his chest).

The very prominent eye theme (charm and sticker design, Ocudeus possibly meaning “eye god” if it’s latin) and feeling of being watched (+“Got eyes in the back of my head”), plus the fact that the red-eyed woman knew what MC was seeking as well as their name, makes me believe that Ocudeus' area of influence is very extensive. As a consequence of the Groupmind, it's likely that apart from sharing thoughts (and identity?) those connected also share what they see to Ocudeus/Ais.

The notes left on the pillars are interesting. The topmost and middle one I feel are more useful to the player and serve as casual worldbuilding, but the bottommost one is the most curious imo: decoding the scrawling results in “never wish on a shooting star he's always listening”. Initially I thought that the “he” referred to Ocudeus, but it doesn't feel correct (Ocudeus always watches, it doesn't listen).

During the 16/04/23 Q&A stream with the devs (timestamp: 36:32), Ais was said to be the first character that they created, and the rest of the cast was built around him for cohesiveness. This is interesting to me, as from the demo I thought that “central” role would fit Leander more.

Speaking of Leander, both of them have a like/dislike relationship with each other (Leander because “the assassination attempts are funny, until they’re not” and Ais because he “won’t hesitate to put Leander in his place when the time comes”). Leander seems to be uncomfortable about the effects that the Seaspring has on people, while Ais talks about “a time where Leander's resolve will be tested, same for anyone in this plane or the next”... I wonder how soon that time is going to be 👀. I already noted this in Leander’s section but I think they also slept together at one point or another.

Same topic, different character: Vere. It’s cute that they’re so fond of each other [1, 2], and I’m very curious to know how they met. They probably bonded because of compatible personalities, but I also think that they like each other because they’re both dangerous, and being with someone who is also as dangerous feels... Fitting, safe, maybe?

The fact that he's “not as in control of his powers as he thought” is also interesting to me, since his nonchalance doesn't seem to be because he's lazy but because he's extremely confident. Perhaps he got too sure of himself and lost sight of the risks?

Ais is described as “renegade”, which by definition is someone who betrays a principle/alliance. I have no doubt that this is connected to the reason why he's a “gang leader without the gang members”, and probably to how he came to bond with Ocudeus. Because he's also said to dislike isolation, I lean more towards saying that he didn't willingly let his (former?) members go, my theory is either they left on their own (perhaps they were scared of Ocudeus, or they didn't approve of it) or he accidentally disposed of them (either because he wasn't in control of Ocudeus / the Soulless, or because Ocudeus felt hungry and they were conveniently nearby). Either way, it must have hurt him, since he's not at all willing to talk about it beyond “Gang took a walk”.

I’m very curious about Mhin saying “Monsters like [Ais] don't know or care about what they have”... What does (did?) Ais have? Could it be in reference to him letting his former gang/companions go away in favor of siding with Ocudeus and/or the Seaspring?

He lives at the Seaspring, though I wonder if he sleeps in a pile near those cushions, cuddling the Soulless, or if he has more personal quarters further in. There's a cave entrance visible on the other side of the bloody water, but that feels more for Ocudeus rather than Ais himself.

The flowers in his pin design are spider lilies, symbolizing mourning, goodbyes, lost memories (I also found: death, abandonment, new beginnings). Eerily beautiful, red spider lilies bear the sorrow of loss and farewells. Eridians believe these flowers shepherd lost spirits into the afterlife. The city has seen a sudden increase in these unearthly flowers, leaving many puzzled about their meaning… Very fitting with Ocudeus’ domain of losing memories and thus, beginning a new life! I’m not sure if we should be taking the increase in flowers literally, or just metaphorically as there’s many in the Groupmind

Vere

Vere's silhouette [1, 2] in the animated trailer [screenshot] highlights the eyes again (“windows to the soul” and all that), his fangs (him being the most openly aggressive) and the collar and chains (the thing that binds him to the Senobium's will).

I haven’t been able to not get his red choice [edit: “hidden ending”, not a red choice], but from my understanding of what others have said it’s based on how you talk to him and not on your actions. I’d love to say more but since I don’t know exactly influences it, I don’t have much to talk about regarding that🥹

“Not quite human, not quite monster. Seems we’re both--” I wonder if he was about to finish the sentence with ‘cursed’?

 He has unique dialogue for each of MC’s backstories: to an Alchemist he says “The misery born of your mistreatment haunts you. I understand what it’s like to be used and thrown away. I’ll give your life new meaning”; to an Unnamed “You poor thing, misled by those you trusted most. You caused so much suffering unknowingly. I know that pain. I can help you forget it all”; to a Hound “The betrayal, the loss of hope, the sheer desperation that drives you still to search and search to no end. I could give you something new to live for”. Apart from showing that he knows stuff he’s not supposed to, I’m more interested about what he says to Alchemist and Hound: he knows the pain of causing suffering unknowingly, and he knows what it’s like to be used and then discarded. His powers seems to be seeing through people, I’d say almost mind-reading (“You can’t hide anything from me.”), but I think soul reading is a more fitting definition. I feel that all of the comments related to MC's backstory have more to do with what they experienced/felt than just objective facts, plus the way he says “All that suffering has made your soul so irresistibile...”, it makes me think that he's reading MC’S present and past emotions through their soul.

The most apparent part of his design is that he’s half showing, half hiding. His outfit makes the harness very visible, yet he hid the leash from the MC for as long as possible, and he didn't let them close enough to touch it. His pants are fully cover one side and show skin on the other. The sheer fabrics look very cool on their own but I like to think they're also part of the "half show, half hide" thing he has going on. An Alchemist MC will note that the collar seems to be enchanted, while other backstories will simply say that the lock seems easy enough to open.

In the charms and stickers design, there's his chain in the background, and it's broken. Metaphorically and literally, “breaking free from the chains” symbolizes putting an end to what holds someone captive, but also finding freedom to be oneself. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but I think a freed Vere would also feel free to not hide so much of himself. On that note, I'm extremely curious about what he draws on his sketchbook. Also in the charm and stickers design, as well as in the Nintendo Switch port art, is the key that he stole from the MC. It's curious that they included it instead of a more personal object like his sketchbook (present in the Switch port art but not in the stickers), but it might just be a fun nod to the demo or maybe he'll develop a habit of stealing the key again in the full game, so I don't think I should read too much into that.

Neither Vere or Kuras of them gives too many juicy details about their mutual hate towards each other during the demo, but from the additional info [1, 2] published on Tumblr, I think it might have to do with the fact that both of them have been confined in Eridia for centuries, and perhaps Kuras even contributed to the capture of Vere, too.

He’s defined as a “charlatan”, which by definition means “someone who decieves through false claims”. It fits with him saying “If I were you, I wouldn’t trust a word I say” and “Information is a luxury [...] If you valued my words you'd have taken them seriously”. This feels like a recurring theme for Vere: Ais also says, “Vere is one of the most honest people you'll meet. Just don't listen to a single thing he says”. Despite the very obvious predatory/mischievous nature of Vere, I think that he is very honest about the things he says: it’s about reading between the lines.

His very evident distaste towards Leander might be connected to this, seeing that Leander seems to be hiding a lot.

Vere clearly likes Ais, but as soon as MC asks more, he warns them about how dangerous he and the Seaspring are. I think both are true: Ais being “a good person” doesn’t exclude the fact that he is dangerous.

It could be a stretch, but I wonder if Vere lives/stays in the building that he was chained to?

The flowers in his pin design look like some type of lilies, perhaps wood lily are a type of amaryllis that symbolizes passion, allure, pride ( when researching the wood lilies, I also found: danger, determination). Local legends conflict on the origins of the amaryllis. Whether they sprang from the spilt blood of a scorned lover or were born of an ancient Senobian ritual gone awry, the truth behind these flowers is knowledge long forgotten… or held by a privileged few. Like Kuras, his flower mirrors the connection to the Senobium though it remains vague about how exactly they became involved... In the greek myth, Amaryllis consulted an oracle to win the love of the shepherd Alteo: she walked to his house every day, piercing her heart with a golden arrow, and on the 30th day flowers bloomed from her blood. Alteo became enamoured with the maiden and the flowers that bore her name... I wonder how Touchstarved’s version of the myth is different than ours, and which character Vere is more akin to?

Nothing on Sen or Elyon for now since there's too little info on both, but I'm looking forward to putting them under a microscope too 👀

(bangs pots and pans) please share your theories/thoughts if you read this far? 👉👈

[throughparisallthroughrome]

"In Darkness, We Transcend"

Chapter 5: Cult of Personality

Pairing: Anakin Skywalker x Reader

Word Count: 7.9k

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of suicide,

A/N: SOOOOOO sorry this took so long! I ended up having to split this chapter into 2 part (got a little carried away with dialogue oops) so I promise the next one is coming soon. I really really can’t wait for it (it ends on an awful cliffhanger…) Please enjoy!! Let me know if you want to be tagged <3

Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4.

No matter how you stacked the crystals on your nightstand, they never looked right to you. 

Your time as a Jedi allowed you to develop a liking for the diverse minerals available in the galaxy. There were millions, and you spent a reasonable amount of time collecting as many as possible when you got the chance. All different colors, shapes, and sizes. They reminded you that there were so many opportunities in the galaxy and the beauty that came with that. Especially now, you were grateful for that reminder. 

You stacked one called “pietersite” you found in a cave on Alderaan on top of a piece of ocean jasper from Kamino. You felt the colors looked nice together, and you had always wanted a cairn next to your bed. The tranquility was necessary, as you did everything you could to bring it to your space. Just as you got them to balance, your hands knocked them over as a knock on the door across the apartment startled you.

You sighed and set them down, realizing that you should probably focus your energy on the surrounding boxes instead of some rocks next to your bed. A week had passed since you were knighted and granted more spacious living quarters. Quarters that fit your status much more. While you didn't receive the role of master, they provided you with quarters befitting one. It must be some sick way for the council to apologize for what they put you through with the Children of Nox. Funny. 

As you strolled through the small apartment and to your door, you wished you had this space when writing. It would have made that process much more comfortable- well- as comfortable as it could have been. Writing for months on end about a cult you were unwillingly indoctrinated into in the name of research wasn’t exactly “easy.” After tripping over a few boxes and loose items, you finally reached the door and pressed a few buttons, buzzing in your mystery visitor.

“Master Kenobi!” You exclaimed, a hint of confusion lacing your voice, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“The pleasure is all mine, Y/N.” He smiled at you, though a hint of sadness was present in his eyes. Besides the look in his eyes, you felt it in the force that something wasn’t right. Your own smile dropped. 

“Is everything okay, Master Kenobi?” You gulped slightly, watching as the man in front of you searched for something to say, opening his mouth in response before closing it harshly.

“Why don’t we take a walk?” 

He led you through the temple and into the gardens, passing several younglings and other Jedi along the way. You felt yourself growing more nervous as the seconds passed, the silence between the two of you excruciating. You knew deep down that whatever he was about to tell you couldn’t be good. Your hands grew sweaty, and you discreetly attempted to wipe them on the sides of your robes. 

Obi-wan knew you were nervous. Hell, he was feeling worse and worse about this as he led you to the garden. There was no going back from this. And although you both attempted to hide your nerves from one another, they were painfully obvious. You noticed his discretion, and it piqued your interest (As well as kinda made you want to die).

“Master Kenobi,” You followed him as he stood on the ledge, looking at the city surrounding you both, “Why did you bring me here?”

He sighed deeply, bringing his hand up to scratch his beard in thought, “I’m afraid there’s no easy way to discuss this.”

“Discuss what?” You felt your breathing hitch. Fuck. This was not good. 

“The council likes to believe that what they do is in the best interest of everyone.” He looks off in the distance, avoiding your lingering gaze. “As a member of said council, I’d like to say that’s true. But there are cases where I feel as if maybe we could have handled things a bit better.” 

“Obi-Wan, is this about the Children of Nox?” Your hands shook as the words left your mouth, and you carefully put them behind your back, avoiding his concerned eyes. 

“No, I’m afraid we’ve moved past that.” He motions for you to follow him, sitting down on a bench surrounded by beautiful trees, vines, and various flowers. “Congratulations, by the way. I’m glad Anakin and I could make it to the ceremony. It’s a great honor to be knighted, and after everything you’ve been through, you deserve it.” 

“Thank you,” you mumble while fidgeting with the rings on your fingers, feeling an unpleasant taste on your tongue at the mention of his padawan’s name. “But if it’s not about them…” You trailed off as you turned to face him, watching his lips form a frown. 

“I’m afraid the council has been lying to you, Y/N. And I’d like to preface that even though this was before my time as a member, I was involved. And for that, I am so sorry. I hope you know that at the time, I thought I was doing what was in your best interest as a youngling. I hope one day you can forgive me.”

“Master…” You trailed off, your eyes wide and body shaking at his words. What could Obi-Wan Kenobi could have possibly done to you?

“Y/N, Anakin isn’t the only chosen one. Actually, he is one half of the chosen one prophecy.” He smiles gently at you, putting his hand on top of your shaking one. “You are the missing half.”

“W-What?” You manage to croak out, your mind not believing the words coming out of his mouth. 

“I really shouldn’t be telling you any of this- I could face expulsion from the order. I feel as if I owe it to you after everything that has happened in the past year. It’s not your fault, and it’s not Anakin’s. The council made a decision that seemed to be the most beneficial at the time.”

“I-I don’t understand.”

“They picked Anakin as their chosen one and made sure that you stayed separated from him as long as they could. I know that you and Anakin don’t know each other, but that isn’t an accident, either. Anakin doesn’t know any of this, and I’m afraid I can’t tell him quite yet. They were worried about what could happen if you met too young and how this would look to the younger Jedi. The Jedi code prevents attachments even though the prophecy states an attachment between the two of you would bring balance to the force. The Council was selfish in its decision, believing that maybe Anakin could bring balance to the force on his own. But he can’t. He’s reckless a-and, selfish, and angry. I’m afraid that you would be his only hope.”

Your blood suddenly boiled as you realized the implications of his words.

“Does that mean they sent me on a ‘research’ mission to the Children of Nox in an effort to keep me away from him? All for the selfishness of their code?” You spoke plainly, attempting to hide the anger within you. Obi-Wan adverted your gaze, giving you the answer you needed.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry. I had no idea when I agreed that it would go this far. That it would cause so much pain to you and Anakin both. I’d give anything to change my decision.” He attempted to console you with his touch once again, his eyes widening as you flinched away from him.

“What else, Obi-Wan?” You stated flatly, the anger and sorrow in your voice leaving you. In this moment, you only felt empty.

“Well, there is something else. This decision wasn’t made by the current Council, as the prophecy is thousands of years old.”

“But you just said it was?” You interrupt, furrowing your brows in confusion.

“The current Council decided to uphold the plans made by those during the High Republic. The decision to separate the chosen ones goes beyond just our Jedi Council. It was made decades ago, deciding that the best option was to keep things as normal as possible. I’m afraid these things were decided before you or Anakin were born.”

“Obi-Wan, what is considered normal? I feel like you aren’t telling me something.” He sighs once again, leaning back against the bench.

“Admittedly, yes. The Council fears the power the two of you may possess together. It’s new and scary and something that has been foretold as long as the Jedi has existed. The fact that it’s come true within our time is just- I don’t even know how to explain it. But it seems that the Council and the Jedi have long been afraid of the power the chosen one prophecy could bring- and I know that isn’t fair to you or Anakin. But that is just the way things were and always have been, unfortunately.”

Obi-Wan was met with your silence as you stared off into the distance, letting the news wash over you.

“So I’ve lived my entire life like this because the Council was too fucking afraid of the prophecy they are supposed to uphold?” You don’t falter from your gaze out onto the horizon, speaking as calmly as possible in this situation. 

“I’m afraid so, Y/N.”

“And you’re not telling Anakin for what reason?”

“I know the boy- and he won’t take this nearly as well as you are. I fear what he may do if he finds out.” Obi-Wan mumbles the last part of his sentence, the guilt washing over him as you come to terms with the situation.

“There’s that fucking word again,” You mumble, balling your fists at your side as you take another deep breath, “I-I can’t fucking believe this.” You choke out a sob, feeling Obi-Wan trying to soothe you once again.

“Don’t!” You shoot up, shouting at him, “Don’t fucking touch me right now. Please.”

“Y/N, I’m so sorr-“ 

“Please stop, Obi-Wan! I just-“ You take another shaky breath, gripping your knees to ground yourself, “This is unbelievable. My entire fucking life as a Jedi is a lie. I’ve done everything in the name of the Order and in the name of what I thought was the greater good. What I’ve been taught as a CHILD is in the name of the greater good. I’ve been indoctrinated here as well, the Order isn’t much better than the Children of Nox- just preaching different things.” You trail off as your realization hits you, Obi-Wan staying silent next to you.

“I’m afraid I must leave, Master Kenobi.” You stand up, your voice shaking as you brush off your robes. “I hope you can understand my decision.” 

“Y/N, wait-“ He grabs your arm as you turn to leave the gardens, forcing you to face him one last time, “I know there’s nothing I can do to convince you to stay. I can’t say I blame you for wanting to leave. But please- don’t do anything irrational. And just know that I am so sorry.”

You take a deep breath, pull your hand back from his, and nod, a reassuring smile spreading across your lips. The second you turn away from him and make your way back to your quarters, tears start falling freely as your heart pounds. 

You’re not sure at what point you broke out into a run, but as you sprinted through the temple halls, ignoring the looks of those around you, you knew that you needed to get out of there as fast as possible. Your legs and hands were shaking, your mind racing as your body felt like it was going numb. Breathing was nearly impossible, and by the time you opened your door, you collapsed on the floor, the panic attack washing over you as fresh tears streamed down your face.

You let out a quiet wail, the sobs taking over your body as you struggled to catch your breath. You attempted to cover your hand over your mouth, wanting to conceal the sounds of your cries from the others in the temple. It was over. Obi-Wan had told you everything you needed to know in order to solidify the end of your days as a Jedi. 

Everything you knew was a lie. Everything Anakin knew was a lie. And no matter what Obi-Wan had told you- you’d never stop hating Anakin. He got the best missions, the chosen one treatment. The only thing you ever did to surpass him was being knighted first. And you knew he hated it. You saw it in his eyes at the ceremony. 

You managed to pick yourself up off the floor, making your way to your bedroom as you shakily put the few belongings you wanted to keep in a couple of bags. Some clothes you needed, toiletries, pictures from your time as a youngling, any awards or sentiments as a Jedi, some books you enjoyed as well as the copy of your books, and finally, your lightsaber. You knew Eric’s door was always open to you, so that’s where you eventually ended up. 

You’d never go back to the temple. 

“Hey,” You heard a soft voice mumble next to you as you stirred in your sleep, your eyes fluttering open in confusion.

Anakin smiled as he nudged you, watching your brows furrow through exhaustion. You groaned softly at the disturbance, lifting your hand that had somehow ended up on his knee to your eyes and rubbing it. He unknowingly gave a slight frown at the lack of contact from your knee and the way you suddenly lifted your head off of his shoulder. You let out a small yawn, covering your hand over your mouth in the process. Anakin giggled at your tiredness, finding it difficult not to.

“Fuck,” You grumbled, the sleep giving a slight scratch to your voice, “How long was I out, Ani?” 

He blushed a little at the old nickname your sister had given to him while cracking a smile, “Like 10 minutes.”

“That’s it? Maker…” You put your head in your hands and shook briefly, attempting to wake yourself up.

You suddenly cleared your throat, moving away from Anakin as you realized how close you had been sitting next to him. You were so tired before that nothing other than the rest mattered at the moment. Now you were uncomfortable again. Anakin, of course, noticed this, and it took everything within him to not reach out and comfort you. He knew this had to be fixed on your own terms, as much as he hated it. 

“Thank you,” You mumbled to the cab driver, throwing him some credits and crawling out of the vehicle. 

The air was brisk, and you felt the hair stand on the back of your neck. You wrapped your shawl closer around your arms and over your head, glancing up at the stairs to the landing pad. Anakin stood next to you, wincing gently at the breeze in his face.

“Ready?” You sighed at his words, choosing silence as a better option before beginning to walk up the stairs. 

He quickly followed behind you, making sure to glance behind him. When you reached the top of the stairs, you paused, taking in the sight of the cruiser before you. It was big, and it was exactly what you needed. It wasn’t a warship, either; it fell more into the “luxury” category. But as your eyes trailed down the ship, you noticed a hooded figure standing beneath it. 

You instantly tensed up, and Anakin immediately felt you through the force. You both exchanged nervous glances as the two of you reached for your lightsabers instinctively. Before he could say anything, you began to slowly walk towards the figure, feeling something familiar about it. He mentally cursed himself and then followed closely behind, unclipping his lightsaber from his belt and holding it close. 

You stood tall and took the shawl off of your head, feeling braver as the force signature of the person in front of you became more familiar. “I’m afraid you have the wrong platform. This is Jedi business.” You stated coldly, gripping your lightsaber tighter, your knuckles turning white from your nerves. Anakin nearly choked hearing you call yourself a Jedi and how boldly you spoke. 

“Do I?” The voice was melodic and one you had craved for so long. You instantly grinned.

The figure turned around and met your eyes, smiling wide on their face. You clipped your lightsaber back and ran to them, pulling them into a tight embrace and taking in as much of them as possible.

“Fuck, I missed you so much Padmé.”

You swang each other around, giggling and laughing as you held tightly. You buried your head into her shoulder, breathing in the scent of your older sister. 

“It’s been too long, Y/N. I’ve heard so much about you lately. I’m so sorry I haven’t visited sooner, and I-I’m sorry for our circumstances now.” She pulls away from the hug, still holding onto your body tightly as she searches your eyes for any response. You brush off her apology, pulling her in for another tight hug.

“No need to apologize. You’re here now, and that’s what matters. Wait, Padme- Where’s your security? I don’t like you here alone.” You search the perimeter, Anakin walking up next to you and nodding to Padme. 

“Y/N, they’re here. I promise. I asked them to give us a moment together- they don’t need to know what’s happening. You’re starting to sound like Anakin.” She giggles at you, raising an eyebrow slightly at her underlying claim. 

“I-” You cut yourself off with a laugh, giving her another quick hug before pulling away and taking another look at the ship. 

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Padme asks, stepping beside you and glancing up at the ship, “Made sure you got the best one we could offer.”

“Y-You did this?” You turn to her with a smile, noticing how she looks back away from you and at Anakin. You turn to face his grin.

“It was my idea, but Padme shouldn’t give me the credit. Figured it was better than some old, suspicious republic warship they gave to the Jedi. Although, I didn’t know she was coming to say goodbye.”

She beams at Anakin’s words, grinning back at you. 

“Guilty as charged.” You look between Anakin and Padme, the words stuck on your tongue. As much as you wanted to stay with Padme and catch up, Obi-Wan’s life depended on you. 

“Padme…” You turned to face her, the sorrow in your eyes telling her everything it needed to. 

“Go,” she pulls you in, holding her hand against the back of your head and squeezing her eyes shut. “Do what you have to do. Just... please be safe. Come back, preferably in one piece.” 

You nod against her, letting a sob take over you as you embrace her warmth for what feels like the last time. She cries too, mouthing to Anakin behind you to keep you safe, and he gives her a solemn nod, feeling tense about the situation. You shudder beneath her touch, taking a deep breath and pulling away. She smiles gently at you before pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. 

“Come to Naboo when it’s all over.” Padme squeezes your shoulders.

“I-I’d love to, but I have the restaurant and-”

“Y/N, it can wait. Our family needs you right now- especially after all of this. Please. Do it for us. You need to rest, honey.” She reaches out to you again, and you bite your lip, thinking over your response as your leg bounces.

“Okay. Fine- yeah. I could stay in Naboo for a few days.” You laugh slightly, smiling back at the girl in front of you.

“Okay, now go! Before we start crying again!” She shoos you off, breaking eye contact and walking away back towards her guards, who suddenly made an appearance at the edge of the platform. You felt yourself let out a breath you were unaware you were holding. She’s safe. 

You follow Anakin onto the ship's loading dock, turning around and making eye contact with Padme one last time before the ship closes, and she’s gone.

You let Anakin walk to the cockpit without you, taking a moment to sit on the floor and breathe for a second. Your mind is reeling, your heart pounding. It was all happening. In a few short hours, you would be on Mustafar, facing the past you thought you had escaped. As lovely as it was to see Padme, it didn’t help you at all. In fact, it only made you feel worse. You needed to get Obi-Wan back no matter what, but deep down, if something happened to you along the mission- it never concerned you. Padme made your willingness to sacrifice yourself much harder. You didn’t promise her verbally that you would return, but with the last look she gave you, you knew that’s what she wanted. She knew you far too well for your own good, and she knew you would try to do something morally righteous. She knew you’d try to be the hero.

Maybe Anakin did, too. Deep down, a part of you felt like he could see right through you. Like he knew you better than you knew yourself. And maybe he was lying about not asking Padme to come, knowing it would be the only thing that made you take yourself into consideration. The only thing that would prevent you from doing the ‘heroic’ thing. And as much as you hated yourself for it, you were thankful, even if he didn’t do it. You knew there was so much more to the relationship between you and Anakin, more than he even knew. But you suspected he knew that much, too. He knows there’s still more to the story. 

“Hey,” Speak of the Devil. 

“Oh- uh- Hey.” You awkwardly stand up to meet his gaze, wiping your wet eyes on your jacket sleeve. “I- uh- I should probably change.”

“Yeah,” he whispers, his intense eyes staring holes into you. You quickly turn to grab your bag and change in the nearest bathroom before a hand on your wrist stops you, his calloused fingers making your heart skip a beat. “Y/N, everything’s going to be okay.” You flash him a pathetic smile and a nod before running off. 

He frowns as you break away from him and bolt into the bathroom. Taking a deep breath, he wipes his hands on the front of his robes and shakes his head in annoyance. He just wanted to help. Why were you still being so difficult? How long was this going to take? He finally walked to the cockpit and sat in the pilot's chair, throwing his feet on the dash and closing his eyes. As much as he didn’t want them to, his thoughts wandered to you. He thought about the dress you wore, the muscles in your back it exposed, how you talked to your employees, and the gentleness you possessed when you fed him that soup. This was going to be a long trip. 

“What are you doing?” You cross your arms at the man before you, annoyed by his comfort. 

“Oh, fuck! You fucking scared me!” He jumps at your words, taking his feet off the dash and taking in your different look. His eyes scan your body thoroughly, and you feel yourself shift uncomfortably under his gaze. Although you knew you liked it. 

“Get out of my seat.” You sneer, and he raises a brow, leaning back into the seat further and letting out a loud, sarcastic laugh. You clench your fists at your side. He was clearly enjoying this.

“Your seat? That’s fucking rich. I’m piloting. End of story.”

“No, not end of story. It’s my fucking mission, so get the fuck out of my seat!” You snap at the man before you, pointing to the co-pilot's seat as you yell. 

“Your fucking mission? We’re saving my master. I’m leading the mission-” He stands up, getting in your face as he yells back. Your face turns red with anger. You were not putting up with his self-righteous chosen one shit right now. Not when so much was on the line.

“Anakin, you don’t know shit about what we’re doing here! How dangerous this is! Obi-Wan’s life is on the line, and I come back to you with your feet propped up on the controls fucking daydreaming! It’s my fucking mission. Drop it. Now.” You move closer, sticking a finger at his chest accusingly. He let out a laugh, rolling his eyes at you and smiling. 

“Y/N, you think you’re so fucking high and mighty because the Jedi sent you on a suicide mission to be a part of that fucking cult, and now Obi-Wan is gone, and now you feel guilty. Stop acting like you’re so much fucking better than me. I’m so sick of your fucking attitude. And why is this your fucking mission suddenly when you haven’t been a Jedi in years? I know about the Children of Nox- I’ve done the research, I’ve read the books-”

“And who do you think wrote the fucking books!” You yell in his face, feeling his hot breath on your nose. His smile had dropped, his eyes washed with guilt. You knew he wouldn’t admit that you were right, but his eyes told you everything they needed to. “Now sit the fuck down and get out of my fucking chair.”

“Okay, Y/N, you may be leading this mission, but I need to pilot. Please. It’s nothing against you, but I don’t feel comfortable with other people piloting. I have a thing- just- please.” His voice was soft, and desperate, his eyes searching yours for any sort of sympathy you could offer through your cold gaze. You sigh and shake your head, plopping into the co-pilot seat next to him, knowing he was undeserving of a verbal answer.

“Anyways,” You kick your feet on the dash as Anakin messes with some of the controls and lifts the ship into the atmosphere, punching on the hyperdrive. He throws a glare at you. “You may want to take a look at this, Anakin.” You pull up the most recent HoloNews feed about you, shoving it in his direction.

“Woah-Woah-Woah-Woah, What the fuck is this?” He rips it out of your hands, staring at the headline. ‘A forbidden love? Jedi Knight and General of the 501st Legion, Anakin Skywalker, makes first public appearance with ‘Like a Bantha!’ CDC, Y/N L/N. Could this be love?’ The picture showed you smiling and waving at the fans while his hand rested on your lower back, leading you into the restaurant. He only had eyes for you. Fuck. 

“Just fucking read it; I’ll explain in a second.” You search his eyes, unable to read the expression on his face. You attempt to reach out through the force and see him glance at you. Nothing. 

His eyes scanned the article, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

Even though the Jedi Order is known for forbidding their believers from any sort of attachment- romantic ones included- our dreamiest Jedi is seen behind CDC of ‘Like a Bantha!’ Y/N L/N into her own restaurant. Now, you may be thinking, how do we know they’re together? Maybe he’s just a bodyguard? Well, readers of Galatic Gossip Magazine, the GGM has yet to let you down!

As you can see from our clearly dissected photo, his hand on her lower back, the smile on her face, and the crease in his brow as he looks at her says it all. Our Jedi is clearly smitten. And our Chef is clearly in love. And everyone knows L/N wouldn’t do anything like this publicly without a reason. It has to be a relationship. There’s no question about it! Listen, in a few weeks, when we see them kissing in a public place, and I come back to write a follow-up, don’t say I didn’t tell you so! But now the main question is… how is Skywalker getting away with this? If we know, then the rest of the order has to know. Are they okay with their chosen one being romantically involved with another? And what does this mean for the rest of the Jedi? This controversy raises many questions about the Jedi and what they stand for. If you have any thoughts or questions you’d like to add, click the link below! And don’t forget to subscribe and tune in next week!

“I-I don’t understand. This feels bad.” He hands back the device as he gulps, feeling suddenly uneasy about his reputation as a Jedi. 

“No, Anakin.” You lean forward with a smile, resting your hand on his knee to comfort him. “This is good. This sends a message to the Children of Nox. We know each other—we know the truth. And clearly, the rest of the galaxy knows something is up, too. They should fear us—they need to fear us, especially when all eyes are on us.” You gently squeeze his knee before leaning back in your chair and closing your eyes. 

“I think I get it. Even though they know we know each other, fear is our most powerful ally.” He mumbles to himself, biting his lip in thought.

“Exactly. Now, what do you know about Mustafar?” You giggle, enjoying his nervousness about the news. For some odd reason, the idea of the galaxy thinking you were a couple didn’t necessarily bother you. 

“Well, I know it’s located in the outer rim and is pretty much uninhabitable, as it’s a lava planet. It’s a mining planet overrun with all sorts of crime- pretty sure it serves as the headquarters of Black Sun as well as the Children of Nox. However, I do remember one of your books saying that Crimson Dawn often fought over territory on the planet.” You quirk a brow at his knowledge, a satisfied grin painting your face with the credit he gave you.

“Wow, I’m impressed, Skywalker.” You leaned forward, adjusting some of the controls on the ship, “You’re very knowledgeable. I appreciate that. Would be a shame if only one of us had a brain.” You shot him a wink and a smile, to which he reciprocated. 

“It’s all thanks to you, Naberrie.” He mused, and you smiled softly to yourself at the use of your real last name. How you miss being called that.

“Now, like you said- it’s an outer rim planet. And it’s all fucking lava. Not only do we need to be careful about not burning to death, but there are pirates everywhere. And who knows what crime syndicates have been there since the last time I was there?” You turned your chair to face him, and he automatically mimicked your actions, his brow creased in concentration, “We need to land around 17 klicks away, so it’ll take around half a day to get to the fortress.” 

You open a projector and map out the new waypoint for you both. Anakin follows your painted fingers carefully as you show him where you need to land and what direction you need to hike in. 

“There’s a cave in this area; it would be best if we landed there. In the case of pirates, syndicates, and the cult- this conceals us the most. When we arrive at the fortress, there’s a series of ventilation that we can take in. They used to be under construction for a long time, but hopefully, they’re functional. That should block out most of the noise. I scouted the ventilation system for a long time when I was there in case something happened, and I needed to make a quick exit. Regardless, if we follow a certain path, it’ll take us across to one of many control rooms. We exit the vents- knock out some guards- and there’s our disguises. They should have a keycard to the control room where we can slice the computers and access the data on where Master Kenobi is being held. We could also disable the cameras and alarms, and we might as well- Wait- Are you getting all of this?” You break your stare at the projection to see Anakin wholly spaced out, looking at you. 

“Oh- uh- yeah, of course. Keep talking, I’m listening.” Anakin stutters out awkwardly, feeling the energy shift between the two of you. He makes a bold move and places his hand on yours, giving it a light squeeze. You freeze. He smiles. 

“O-oh- Uh- okay, well, then you and I make our way to their cell block with the information about where Kenobi is being held. We break him out- but keep our disguises up. It’s crucial we act like this is standard- even to Kenobi. The Children of Nox are smart- too smart- and we can’t risk any slip-ups- especially when we have Kenobi. I’m not sure at what point it will be best to reveal our identities to him, but I’m sure he’ll catch on. We leave the same way we came in, making sure to avoid detection the entire time.”

“Sounds easy enough.” Anakin grins, gripping your hand tighter with his gloved one and leaning back into his seat, letting his eyes rest for a moment before you land. 

“Yes- it does. But there is one thing that will make this extremely difficult-”

“And that is?” He opens one eye at you, his eyebrows raised. 

“They’re all force users. We have to conceal our force signatures as best as we can in order to remain undetected. We can use the force minimally- but nothing crazy. The higher-ups will suspect something just with us in proximity to the Temple- but that’s just general unease. We have to be careful about this, Anakin. There’s so much at stake and-”

“Hey,” He gives your hand another gentle squeeze, his brows furrowed in concern as he feels your heart rate rising. He doesn’t know how he can detect it- but his force sensitivity is significantly acute when he is near you. “We’re gonna make it. He’s gonna be okay.”

“A-Anakin, shouldn’t I be comforting you? He was your Master, after all. I-It’s okay, you don’t need to do this, Ani.” You trail off into a whisper, breaking eye contact. His hand doesn’t falter it’s grip on yours. 

“This isn’t your fault, Y/N. I know you feel like it is. And I’m sorry I used that against you- you don’t deserve that. Y-You don’t deserve any of this.” He grabs and holds your hand with both of his, those blue eyes searing into your soul. But with those words leaving Anakin’s lips- you do the unspeakable. You hug him. 

You throw yourself into his lap and wrap your arms around his neck- not saying a word. He can feel your body shake slightly above him, and you can both feel each other’s increased heart rates. He wraps his cloak around your body while his gloved hand snakes itself around your waist, pulling you closer into him while his other one finds its way to your scalp, massaging your head against his chest. You lay there momentarily, closing your eyes and taking in his warmth. He smelled good- too good. And shockingly- you were so comfortable there with him. A small part of you didn’t want to leave. You didn’t want it to end. And with the beep of the dashboard, it did. 

The second the ship notified you both that you entered the Mustafar system, you jumped off of his lap and into your own chair so fast. You both cleared your throats and avoided eye contact- clearly not wanting to discuss the intimate moment you just had. Were you weak? Just giving in to your unfairly attractive enemy like that? Probably. But did you like it? Yes. 

“Do- Uh- Do you mind punching in those landing coordinates for me, Chef?” He attempted to mask his nervousness with a nickname. Even though you smiled, you saw right through him. 

“Of course,” You mumble, quickly typing in where you need to go onto the ship's navigation system. He watched as your fingers moved, another smile teasing its way onto his lips. 

You were both silent during the landing sequence into the cave- the air thick with tension for what was to come. To say you were nervous was an understatement- you were fucking terrified. There was so much that could go wrong and so quickly. He opens the door, and you’re instantly hit by the smell of smoke. You carefully step out of the ship, blaster out and ready to fire as you survey your surroundings. Anakin quickly discarded his cloak, leaving it behind on the ship as the door closed. 

“Fuck, This sucks already.” You squeeze your eyes shut, the smoke instantly making them water as Anakin giggles at you. 

“Okay, Princess, didn’t realize you couldn’t handle a little smoke.” He muses, and you glare at him, ignoring the heat rising to your cheeks with the nickname. 

“Shut up. Let’s start walking.” You walk away from him as you pull up the map on your navigator, giving you the best directions to the coordinates of the Temple. You hear a slight ‘aye aye, captain’ from behind you and roll your eyes as your lips curve into a smile. 

“So you’re just a chef at some restaurant? Didn’t realize just a chef would end up on the front page of the galaxy’s hottest gossip magazine…” He teases, and you roll your eyes, gently kicking rocks along the path.

“It’s only cause of you, Skywalker.” You toy, and suddenly, it’s his turn to roll his eyes.

“Now you can’t possibly think-”

“Of course, I don’t think that.” You turn to look at him, placing your hands on your hips, and he smirks. “I know my status. I earned it.”  

“Oh?” He raises a brow, “How so? I’m beginning to realize I don’t know much about you, Chef.”

“Well, what exactly do you want to know?” You start walking again, avoiding his lingering gaze on your figure. The heat rose to your cheeks, and you became slightly apprehensive. What the fuck.

“Tell me everything. We have a long walk ahead of us, y’know. And I find it fascinating that you are more famous than I realize.”  

“Well, okay. I’ve loved cooking and eating for as long as I can remember. When I was a youngling, I was always excited to be sent out on missions with the hopes that I could try some of the local foods and customs, as well as being just exposed to their cultures. I just loved seeing different things that we weren’t used to as a Jedi, yknow? My master would even let me bring some ingredients home if we could, and I would figure out something to cook. I honestly don’t know where the creativity or my ideas came from- they just sorta happened. The Order was kind enough to let me visit with my family for a long time- I often took holidays in Naboo, and I learned to cook from my mother and sisters, as well as enjoyed their- our native foods and cultures. I also took a bunch of missions there, so I really got to know the planet.”

“Oh yeah, the food was terrific on Naboo. I noticed how much of your restaurant was inspired by it. It’s really cool. But how did you even become a famous Chef? You’re so young…” Anakin trails off in thought, trying not to offend you, and you laugh. 

“I’m getting to that, Skywalker. And actually- the entirety of my restaurant is inspired by Naboo. It was the little piece of home I had away from home. Anyway, after I left the order, I lived with Eric for a long time, doing a bunch of random freelance work. But all of my time and money went to cooking, traveling, and eating. I somehow managed to befriend a lot of Chefs, and over time, they took me under their wing. I became really popular in the community, and they were all impressed with my knowledge and skillset despite never going to culinary school. I have this thing about flavors, and somehow, the skills have always come to me so easily. I don’t know why or how- but it’s helped me thrive ever since. Eventually, I made enough money to open “Like a Bantha!” which did insanely well and put me on the map. The only reason I’m so fucking famous is because I’m an ex-Jedi who’s never been to culinary school and has the insane culinary talent of someone who’s been cooking for 50 years. And it’s beyond just me- the Force has something to do with it. Cooking is my passion- I thought I was the chosen one of that, not this. And Anakin, I feel like I’ve accomplished far more and have done far more good for the galaxy with “Like a Bantha!” than I ever could as a Jedi. I’ve given so many people new opportunities and experiences… It’s what I’ve always dreamed of. I thought being a Jedi would fulfill that purpose- that longing. But it never did.” 

You stop rambling and gaze at Anakin, noticing he has a particular unrecognizable gaze towards you. Admiration, maybe? You weren’t sure.  

“Wow- uh- That’s-um, That’s really impressive, Y/N.” He stutters out, and you feel almost shameful.

“I-I I’m sorry, Anakin, I shouldn’t have-”

“NO, please. I loved hearing about it. I’m almost jealous. No need to apologize. I just wasn’t sure how to respond. Now I am. It’s incredible that despite everything, you built yourself back up and made a name for yourself in such an iconic way. I’m really impressed.” He flashes you a smile, and you find yourself becoming a little more fond of the Jedi next to you. “Tell me about your staff. You all seem pretty close.”

“Ha, yeah, that we are. I feel like I raised all of them despite a lot of us being the same age or most of them being older, actually. I probably shouldn’t say this, but Cora’s my favorite. She came in freshly out of culinary school and was so intimidated but so excited to learn. Something about her... I just felt so inclined to help her. To make her grow. I’ve taught her everything I know and some more. I’m still teaching her. She’s teaching me, too, actually. She’s probably a year younger than me, but she’s so fucking smart and talented. I’m so proud of her every day. I feel like her big sister. And I’ve spent so much time with her. I know her friends and family; I’ve cared for them and helped them when I could. I mean, just recently, I paid around 7,000 credits for her Lothcat to have surgery after a bad accident. I left the restaurant with her, knowing she’d take care of it. She loves the place as much as I do. If I ever left it, I’d leave it with her. She deserves it.”

“And what about Luca?” He avoids eye contact, but you raise a brow at his question and laugh.

“Luca is Luca. He’s almost as good as Cora but still young and so reckless. He’s also way too fucking horny for his own good. He’s hit on me so many times it’s hilarious. I never entertain it, but I do find it amusing. I just let him talk himself into a hole, and he always stops. It’s become more of an inside joke than anything. He’s also in charge, despite his attitude and lack of maturity, he has an amazing talent and is immensely passionate about the place. He’s gonna do great things one day, especially when he stops thinking with his dick.” You both laugh, and you notice his shoulders drop, the tension easing on him. Was Anakin Skywalker becoming comfortable around you? 

“Ah, I see. Thought maybe something was going on there. You’ve seen the way he looks at you?” He jokes.

“No, no,” You giggle, “There’s nothing going on there, as much as he hates it. And yes, I’ve seen the way he looks at me- it’s purely lustful. Besides, I haven’t had anything romantic happen ever, and fucking Eric was the last person I slept with, and that was a fucking mess. I’d rather not rehash that. Besides, virgin Jedi boy, what’s it matter to you?” 

“It doesn’t- was just curious. And believe me- I’ve had my fair share of fun. It’s not very ‘Jedi-like,’ but again, I never really have been.” You raise a brow.

‘Makes sense. You always were trouble-”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, come on, Anakin,” You nudge him slightly, “Don’t act like the entire order didn’t hear about it when their beloved ‘Chosen one’ would act up! Gossip spreads faster in the Jedi Temple than it does on GGM.” 

“I- Touche.” 

You both fell into a comfortable silence, and the walk was amicable despite the circumstances. You took your time taking in your surroundings, most of which you only saw during a window when you were a part of the Children of Nox. Although the mission was critical, you were grateful you got an opportunity to see Mustafar for yourself, not locked inside. There were so many mountains and valleys where you walked, you couldn’t help but feel uneasy. Anyone could pop out. And they did. 

The second you felt a trigger being pulled- before the shot was even fired- you pulled Anakin behind some rocks, cutting your thigh open in the process. 

“Ah, Fuck!” You shouted, grasping your thigh and putting pressure on it as Anakin fired your blaster back.

“Y/N, are you hurt? What’s wrong?” He ducked beneath the rock, allowing the blaster to cool off while he attempted to inspect your knee, only to be pushed away by you. 

“Just focus on shooting! Fucking bandits.” You trail off to yourself as Anakin fires at them, the noise growing unbearable to you. You had to make it out of this. This was not part of the plan. You ripped off the bottom of your shirt, wrapping it around your clothed thigh, hoping to stop the bleeding. You ignite your lightsaber, the yellow hue contrasting beautifully with your surroundings while you stand up and reflect the shots back to the bandits. 

“Y/N!! What the fuck are you doing!” Anakin throws the blaster to the side, igniting his own lightsaber and jumping over the rock, hitting a few bandits with their own blasts. 

“Ending this. We don’t have fucking time for this!” You yell back as you slice through the last of the bandits with your yellow saber, ending the fight. You exhale and wipe the sweat off your forehead as you shut off your lightsaber and clip it back to your belt.

“Hey,” Anakin yells towards you, gaining your attention from the slaughter you both just committed, “Check these out.”

You turn around to meet Anakin’s eyes as he leans against 2 perfectly good speeders the bandits had graciously left you. Well, they didn’t have much of a choice.

“Holy shit!” You yell back, running over to meet him as you inspect the speeders. He instantly smiled at your reaction. “These will get us there in no time!”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”

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